Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Dave."

Nothing but the slight static responded. John pouted, strumming his fingers on his desk in the natural piano-playing position they rested in, just in front of his keyboard, then adjusted his mic and more insistently called a louder, "Daaaaaaaave."

Movie night was a best bro institution! It was their thing! Every Friday night for the past year they'd sat up together, picked a great (or shit) movie, and settled in to stream it and chat and laugh and argue over its quality until it was time to drag themselves to bed. Dave wouldn't let the side down! He even set the video-calls to auto-answer because it was set in stone that John would call him then, like clockwork, like gospel. He totally always showed up, he was just in the bathroom or something, he would never leave John hanging!

"Dave!" Nothing. "Dave!"

Wow okay he was taking a long time. But he was clearly there. Clearly.

"DAAAAAAAAVE!"

There was a loud crash, dulled through a wall, which definitely did not sound like someone casually returning to their room. It sounded a lot more like someone storming to it, cursing in a barely audible stream that John couldn't quite make out the contents of, although he was pretty sure some of that was Japanese (he was dimly aware of it from the animes Dave had insisted on subjecting him to) and also pretty sure Dave was about to get a stern talking to about leaving certain bros waiting for him while he did whatever and then being pissy about answering his own computer-

-aaaand that wasn't Dave.

Without meaning to, he shrank in his chair, confronted with a full screen of Dave's doorway, now filled with 6'6" of drowsy looking, angry Texan, a shaggy mop of blonde hair down around his face, larger, pointed shades a little askew where he was scratching irritatedly at one of his sideburns. He was broad at the shoulder, muscular and tan, with a toned torso that pulled in to a tight waist and also the boxers that were the only thing he was wearing. So freckles did go further down than the face, John noted in a desperation not to note anything more intimidating, staring at the dark glass roughly where eyes should be like a deer caught in blacked out headlights.

"Huh." Oh good he was moving over, leaning forward on the desk with gloved hands splayed just in sight, clearly focused intently on the screen with mouth in a tight line. "You Dave's boyfriend?"

"No!" John yelped loudly, then coughed as a single eyebrow swept upwards. "Uh, no, sir, Mister Strider, I'm just his friend-"

"Bro."

"Well, yeah, that too-"

"No. It's Bro. Don't call me Mister Strider, Jesus Christ I'm not that old." Not that old equated to roughly the same age as Dad, John guessed, looking him over closely, which was weird because John had always thought that was pretty old before. Nonetheless he nodded, and the tensed shoulders relaxed a little. "Why the fuck did you wake me up anyway, kid? Davey's out with his girlfriend."

His girlfriend? Dave had a girlfriend? How had this not been something he was told? That was a massive violation of the best bro code and if Dave had actually run off with some hussie when it was movie night John would...would...get totally upset with him and stuff! That would teach him.

"What?"

"Some chick named Teezee or something, I don't even care. But he ain't due back tonight. Staying at her place. Made sure the dude had protection and then told him if any of it was actually needed I'd hang him off the roof." Bro's attention was finally off of John, as he rifled through Dave's stuff until he produced an apple juice and sipped it, pulling a face and setting it back down a moment later. "Shit that's sick. Sorry to break it to you but the little man's got all whipped as fuck. What did you even want? I'll tell him if I remember once I've slept this shit off."

"...movie night."

"Movie night? You wanna go out on a platonic bro date or something."

"No! Oh my God, I don't want to date Dave. It is movie night. Right now. He's meant to watch one of my favorite movies with me I've been begging him to for months and it was finally the night and he's off with a girl instead of here with me!" John sniffed, pouting just a little. This was stinging quite a bit actually. It was mostly the abandonment, but also the jarring realisation Dave had real life friends, people he actually went out with, he wasn't stuck in a house all the time alone but for his father. "It isn't fair! He didn't even tell me! Tell him he's a jerk!"

"That I totally can do. Right well if that's everything, I'm going back to fucking bed."

John rubbed his eyes on his sleeve and nodded, staring at his desk as he definitely did not almost actually cry. For a while, the static continued, then it cut off with the hang-up tone and John shuffled his feet, imagining Dave out somewhere laughing and chatting with people who weren't him, and weren't just on a screen. That thought sucked hard, so he thought about watching the movie alone and even that didn't cheer him up much, because it wasn't any fun without Dave. He was jealous of his best friend having other friends. That made him a total selfish dick. A totally upset, lonely selfish dick. Yes it did.

He pulled off his earphones and dumped them on his desk. Fucking Dave. Fucking movie night ruining Dave. Maybe this was hormones and stuff but seriously he felt terrible and he didn't have some girlfriend to go running to to make it all better. He had a bunny, which he cuddled like the totally mature fourteen year old he was. The bunny was his friend. There! He did have a friend in real life! Suck on that, Strider!

It took him a few moments to actually notice the trill of a ringtone, and when he looked up from whispering to the bunny about what a bitch Dave's girlfriend clearly was his screen had a flashing video chat invite from Dave's account. First up Dave never called him first, and second Dave was not home, so he'd been told. Maybe Bro was lying? Dave was actually there?

He bounced over and accepted it before he'd finished fumbling his headphones on, bunny now in his lap, his smile dimming when the window reopened to Bro, now in a white shirt at least.

"Oh. Hi."

"What movie were you gonna watch?"

"Um, why?" John shuffled the bunny out of view, and swore the corners of that impassive mouth twitched in a smirk. "I mean, I was going to go to bed now, I guess."

"Were you gonna cuddle that thing all night long?"

"Shut up! No! Maybe."

"So what movie was it? Work with me here, come on, I'm pretty sure I'm still hungover."

John frowned at him, then mumbled the name, watching him type away until a link for a stream popped up in the chat window beside the video. He didn't click it, giving the shades a look he hoped was questioning but probably came across more gormless.

"You looked like a sad puppy that I was kicking with every word I said so because my bro is a fuckup who just leaves his friends in the cold I guess I will be the host of your movie night tonight and then you can stop being depressed and I can go back to sleep with a clear fucking conscience, okay?"

That wasn't quite what he'd expected. Given Dave's descriptions of Bro swung from 'he's the coolest shit ever' to 'he's the world's biggest douchebag', or often were both simultaneously, this felt like a trap. The link was probably porn. He totally shouldn't click it. Stranger danger and all that jazz, after all, this was like a thirty something guy he'd never actually talked to before. John hovered his mouse and then wondered what Dave would even say if he knew John had spoken to Bro, given how quickly he quit chat whenever his brother actually walked in.

"Plus I ain't got anything better to do so I figured what the hell. It's this or sleeping." Oh right Bro was still there, watching him inwardly debate this with his stupid thinking expression where he sucked his whole mouth to the the left and bit his bottom lip. He rapidly dropped it for a less derpy look, flushing to the tips of his ears. "If the movie's shit, which it is, you better prepare yourself for me giving it a patented Strider redub and improving the whole fucking thing to levels never before witnessed though, kid."

What the hell, he had nothing else to do but cuddle a bunny.

"It's John." He offered, settling back and clicking the link.

It wasn't porn, and he really hated to admit it but Bro's version of the movie was as funny as it was heretical. It started with odd comments, then when John giggled once or twice it built up into a full commentary, switching to text when John shooshed him at the best parts, then back as soon as he thought he could get away with it. John as always excitedly interjected about the genius of the best moments, which Bro blew raspberries to and proceeded to 'improve' them. The only time he didn't was when John emotionally reenacted the reunion with his bunny and Bro as his loving daughter, and at the end they both laughed and John realised at some point Bro had started smiling and laughing and he was a lot less scary when he wasn't deadpanning.

He was kind of likeable. Sort of. Maybe.

"That was shit." The Strider announced as the credits rolled, stretching his arms out and cracking his elbows loudly. "Total and utter shit."

Nope. John took it all back. He was a total douche.

"That was incredible don't even lie, you cannot fault that film, that film is perfection."

"No, no, pretty sure it's still shit."

John snorted, leaning his head on his hand and doing an overdramatic roll of his eyes. "You were totally into it. Come on, man, the bunny. You were my Casey. That stuff was heartwarming."

"You are such a dork."

"Yeah well you totally are too! I've seen beyond the shadowy figure of mystery now, and he's a total dork who talks over great films and ruins them-"

"-improves them-"

"-for fun while making stupid faces and doing voices. Oh my God, you're totally not cool. You're the opposite of cool."

"I think you'll find it's cool because it's beautifully ironic."

"That doesn't even make sense!" He threw up his hands, then lowered them and considered the smile on his face and the way his jaw hurt from laughing and all of the other things he usually only got from time talking to Dave. "But. Thanks. It was fun."

"Yeah it was." Bro replied with a shrug, sipping the orange juice that had just fucking appeared in his hand halfway through the movie, though he swore he'd gone and got it from the kitchen, "You're alright for a total derp."

"You're alright for a total poser."

"Ouch. I'm hurt, John. I thought we had something special."

"Oh shoosh. I need to go to bed before Dad comes in and finds me talking to a guy twice my age." Curiosity reared its head, and he frowned. Dave had actually never said it, far as he could remember. "Huh. How old are you, actually?"

"Thirty one." Bro conceded reluctantly, like parting with the information caused him physical pain. "I'm not that old."

"Oh. So only...seventeen years older than me."

"Shut the fuck up."

"Like I said, I'm going to bed. Thank you for saving movie night, oh mighty Bro." John bowed over-dramatically, and straightened to another smile that quickly faded to a deadpan. "Truly, you are the greatest. It is you."

"Damn straight. Sleep well, you little princess you. Don't forget your bunny."

"Shut up."

"No you shut up."

A few minutes of back and forth and John finally hung up, smiling at his screen for a minute as the warm fuzzing in his stomach ceased to fade. So he guessed Bro was a little cool, though he'd never admit that. Just as he went to switch off, the text widow pinged one last time before Dave's account went offline.

TG: timaeusTestified
TG: If you ever want to bitch about Dave or whatever.
TG: Night, kid.

So that made five friends and a bunny, he decided as he sent a chum request before shutting his computer down, even if Dave could never know of his forbidden broship with the elder Strider. He would totally do one of his ridiculous acrobatic pirouettes off the handle and act like the world was ending, John could see it already. Nope. If he was going to be a dick and run off with some girl John could totally run off with-

No. Wait. What?

-could totally become friends with Bro. Fair's fair. Yeah.

He hopped into bed, and did not snuggle the bunny all night long at all.

Chapter Text

-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 08:03 am --

EB: hey bro!
EB: good morning :)
TT: Holy fucking shit it's eight in the morning go to sleep this is fucking unholy, John. My morning starts at twelve, and that's early, alright?
EB: but i'm bored and dave still isn't back for me to tell him he's a massive dick :(
EB: besides you accepted my friend request ten minutes ago so I know you were awake!
TT: Stalker, much?
EB: shoooooooosh.
EB: i also wanted to find out if we're totally bros now because we totally are, so can i actually talk to you whenever or was it just a pity thing?
EB: i don't have that many people to talk to so
TT: Oh my God it's the kicked puppy thing again.
TT: Okay, I'm up, I'll talk, but just so you know your insecurities are showing.
TT: I too don't have many people who can stand my company on account of me being a massive bag of dicks. If you can stand my company well done, you make the 'people I hate marginally less than the rest of the world' list. Hey, look, your name's fresh at the bottom, congratulations.
TT: Second, considering I'd like to think Davey won't be a douche and run out on you again, I think I can schedule you in for some time that isn't late on a Friday night, somewhere on my busy calendar of not giving a fuck.
TT: Lastly I will not deny that pity played a part of this. I do pity you, John. I pity you intensely, with your big sad blue eyes and your trembly lip. You are like a baby panda who just got bitch slapped. Who could avoid pitying that? But if that was all it was I wouldn't be talking to you now. You would have cashed in your fucks-I-give coupon last night and I would be off and getting on with my life without a second thought of sad baby panda John.
TT: Has that laid your fragile mind to rest?
EB: wow you are a bit of a dick.
TT: Shock of the century right there.
EB: but you sound way more grown up when you type.
TT: I resent the implication I am anything other than an immature man-child.
TT: You take that back this instant.
EB: he he he
EB: alright you are totally an immature dork!
EB: what totally cool dude stuff are you doing today, mister cool dude?
TT: Well I had a strenuous day of lying in bed snoring planned but you've put pay to that, so I guess I actually have to shift my ass and do something resembling work. Maybe I'll cook myself a gourmet breakfast of pop tarts and OJ as a break from my typical dry cereal.
TT: Then I suppose I should get my track list ready for tonight, get some practise in, maybe strife Dave on your sad panda behalf when he turns up.
EB: you actually do strife with dave???
EB: like with swords on the roof?
TT: Yes. It's a thing we do. Why? Does it upset your sensible normal person sensibilities?
EB: no! we all just thought dave was making that up to sound cool.
TT: If he tells you he ever wins, then yes, he's making that shit up.
TT: He screams like a little girl when I jump him from behind.
EB: he he he :)
TT: I'm going to go ahead and guess you have nothing better to do than bother me all day, at least until Dave shows his face.
EB: nope. my dad wants me to go bake with him but i refuse to succumb to the batterwitch's vile sugary charms, and rose and jade aren't online yet.
TT: Huh. So Dave does have more than one female friend.
EB: yes...
TT: I thought he was making that shit up to sound cool.
EB: pffffff!
EB: like dave is cool!
EB: he's a bigger dork that you are.
TT: Obviously, because I'm not a dork.
EB: you keep saying that and maybe someday it will be true!
TT: John.
EB: you did the voices and everything.
TT: John, shut up.
TT: Screw this I want breakfast.
TT: Cal can keep you company while I'm gone.
EB: wait. you mean the puppet thing?
EB: dave always complains about that!
EB: i bet it isn't even that bad!

-- timaeusTestified [TT] sent file heeheehoohoo.jpg at 08:35am --

EB: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
EB: that is the scariest thing i've ever seen oh my god bro
EB: bro
EB: don't leave with with it oh my god
EB: i can feel it watching me
EB: bro
EB: broooooooo
EB: come back
EB: all these years i made fun of the way dave spoke about the puppet
EB: but holy shit okay
EB: the puppet
EB: oh my god
EB: please come back?
TT: Hah!
TT: Fuck you're as pathetic as Davey.
TT: Cal is the shit, kid.
EB: shut up!!!
TT: I'm seriously going now, and John?
TT: Cal says he'll be right here the whole time.

-- timaeusTestified [TT] is now an idle chum! --

It took him a while of rifling through smuppets to find some actual food in the kitchen. Just under five minutes, so they were still good, under the shopping threshhold, and in a caring gesture he put all of the smuppets back exactly as they'd been for Dave to have the pleasure of exploring later, making sure there were just enough against the cupboard doors a smuppet-avalanche was inevitable. Dave would thank him for that. Or at least scream his name at the top of his lungs and get a 'you're welcome' in response.

He popped the toaster and caught the shurikens that bounced out of it in a smooth motion, flicking them to embed in the wall above the fireworks-laden blender, then casually slipped in the poptarts and watched the wires spark to a comforting golden glow inside the metal maw, snatching them when they were done and biting into the first's molten hot core with no regrets.

Ah, warm food. What a rare delight.

His phone buzzed in his pocket as he slouched onto the futon, so he knocked it out, observed the blue with narrow eyes as though trying to discern some greater meaning behind it. Considering his general appearance and attitude, he had never really been a social butterfly. He was the sort of person who went to bars to sit in the corner and glare at the younger people getting shitfaced because they were disturbing his drink and drowning out the music. The sort of person whose friends consisted of a drunkard, a sweet-as-anything but probably insane chick and that one douchebag with the yacht who hadn't replied to his messages in months so was currently only just on that list at all.

And apparently some fourteen year old kid who thought he was worth talking to. There was something vaguely uneasy about that thought.

John was less annoying than most people. Well, no, he imagined most people found him really frustrating, but he was blunt, and open, and Bro found that endearing given how many lying, two-faced assholes he had to deal with day-to-day. Someone who just told him outright he was a dick was a welcome breath of fresh air. The only other person who could actually look at him and insult him was Dave, and that was only because he knew even in their worst strifes Bro held back, just a little, just enough to cut and not sever, to injure but not kill, even if Dave acted like every wound deeper than a milimeter was going to kill him, crying overdramatic farewells and swooning as Bro saw to them and pointed out they weren't actually that fucking bad.

He was getting off topic, mind starting to drift off into the constant inner monologue that gave him his constant expression of deadpanned deep thought, so he shrugged and picked up his phone.

EB: my dad made me a cake for breakfast.
EB: a cake.
EB: i thought it was bad when he just made them for fun but now they are invading my actual meals!
EB: it's too late to save him, he is in her filthy, sugary clutches.
EB: i can only do my best to resist her charms before i fall to them and all hope is lost!
TT: John what the fuck are you even talking about.
EB: i got downstairs and Dad had made me this big chocolate and strawberry monstrosity, bro, with white whipped creams spikes and jam and chocolate chips. it was horrible.
TT: Wow, yeah, when you get made such terrible, delicious food, however do you survive?
EB: it's hard, bro. it's hard and nobody understands.

God, he really wanted a cake now. He hadn't had actual baked goods in about a year. The door to his apartment called him, but he resisted it, because he was cool. Poptarts were a perfect part of a balanced diet. He'd had his fill.

EB: i mean look at this thing!

-- ectoBiologist [EB] sent file herfingersareinallthepies.jpg at 09:14am --

Oh good lord, it looked like the fake one in Portal. Holy fuck, he needed a goddam cake right the fuck now.

TT: Oh yeah, I can see the suffering right there. I mean look at it. Look at how delicious it looks. What a crime against humanity that cake is.
EB: i know!

Bro groaned and grabbed his pink hoodie, dragging it on, pulling up the big hood with eyes printed on and big fluffy cats ears at either side. Dave had bought it as a joke a few birthdays back, but of course Bro had treated it like the greatest thing ever and now wore it every opportunity. His shades sat just in front of the fabric, jutting out to either side, and the bill of his cap pushed out of the front. He looked utterly ridiculous.

Of course, that made it so perfectly ironic.

EB: so is your gourmet breakfast over?
TT: Guess it is. Couldn't last without me for twenty whole minutes, John?
EB: i'm just boooooooored!
EB: entertain me, bro.
TT: Not really in the kid's entertainment business.
EB: please??
TT: Don't know exactly what you want from me here.
TT: Hardly a font of fun.
EB: dave says you make videos! you could show me one of those.

He stopped on the stairs long enough to double over laughing for a few minutes, getting a really weird look from the old lady who shuffled up past him, her face pulling like he was possessed by the devil himself. It was...so tempting, to send that link. So very tempting.

EB: bro?
TT: Yeah, no, that is a terrible idea.
TT: Here, look, I do music sometimes, go check out that.

He had missed real food. The cake didn't make it back to the apartment.

EB: so you dj?
EB: that must be really cool!
EB: with the spinny discs and the buttons and those slider things.
TT: Clearly an expert on the topic.
EB: shoosh!!
EB: you know what i meant!
TT: Yes, because I actually know how to do my own job.
TT: I DJ some pretty sweet gigs though, only go for the best places I can get. I'm not doing it for the money so I have a bit of luxury like that.
TT: Luckily I'm also fucking skilled, so I get pretty much where I want.
TT: It's a cool hobby. Takes a lot of skill to do right.
EB: yeah i guess what you sent was pretty good.
TT: Pretty good? I'd like to see you do better, kid.
EB: i don't do that sort of music though!
EB: i mean
EB: i play the piano?
TT: Well then let's hear it, come on. You can't talk shit about me without putting your own cards on the table.
EB: but it isn't the same at all!
TT: Shhh, only music files now.
EB: but
TT: John.
EB: ugh fiiiiiiiine

Bro sipped his orange soda as he waited, lounged across the futon with his legs up and Cal slung over his shoulder to read the chat and return judgement on little boy blue. So far he seemed pretty chill with him, even if John had given the typical, slightly hurtful response to being introduced to his best bro. He was sure they'd get on better with time.

Talking to someone all day had been weird. Novel. He was used to sleeping or watching TV and considering that a busy day, so actually having to sit up and think about shit and try and stay coherent had been a challenge. John just seemed thankful for the company, even given the few times he'd nearly dozed off and blinked back awake to the slightly arcane gibberish he'd sent, swearing blind when he read it it had been totally fine. Behind every typed laugh he got in response he imagined John's actual, unbroken voice giving a stupid giggle.

He stopped doing that when he noticed it was making him smile.

-- ectoBiologist [EB] sent file recording2.mp3 at 14:36pm --

Well then.

Bro pulled his earphones on and pressed play, volume loud enough when he shut his eyes behind his glasses his world became the music, just as he always did. Even when he was in a booth at a club, he made sure all he could hear was the song, lost himself in it, let it flow through him and command him naturally rather than pandering to what the crowd thought would be good. What he created was always far better.

The first notes trickled in like windchimes. His fingers twitched.

EB: so um
EB: what do you think?
TT: That was certainly unexpected.
EB: is that a good thing :?
TT: Well. Maybe.
TT: Do you have any more?

He spent the rest of the afternoon listening as they spoke, imagining those long piano playing fingers (it was obvious in hindsight) moving with the skill and grace the music sang of. Maybe there was more to the kid that just being a derp. Cal checked out a few of them and he thought they were pretty sweet so that was the overall seal of approval granted.

EB: i can't believe you think they're good!

...what.

TT: Why the fuck not? John, much as it pains me to say, these are exceptional.
TT: You are clearly a highly talented player.
EB: i just didn't really think they were good enough to share. they've always seemed pretty bad, to me.
TT: I can't believe no one has ever set you right about that.
EB: well it's just me and dad and he tells me he's proud of everything i do so i don't know when he even really means it anymore :/
TT: What about your friends? Have you never played to them?
EB: i have a desktop so i can't take the webcam downstairs to it!
EB: and i've always thought dave and rose are better than me at music anyway
EB: rose plays violin like a professional and dave's raps are shit but his actual music is pretty cool
EB: i guess i just thought they'd think i was being stupid?
EB: trying to show off.
EB: they think that a lot.
TT: Don't you have friends who actually visit?
EB: oh
EB: well
EB: no?
EB: i don't really go out much.
EB: i haven't for a long time.
EB: so i don't really know anyone nearby?
EB: but that's okay!
EB: i have dave and rose and jade
EB: and now i have you too :)
EB: that's good enough for me.
TT: I actually
TT: John
TT: Look, promise me you'll send me your music, when you play?
TT: That you'll let me hear it.
EB: i guess i can! even though it's really dumb and you're just being weird.
EB: if i do will you never send me a picture of cal ever ever again?
TT: That hurt, bro, but I guess we can agree to that. Cal's all tearing up here, he thought you guys would be tight.
EB: nope nope nope
EB: music for being able to sleep at night
EB: that's the deal, buster, take it or leave it!
TT: "Buster"?
EB: shoosh just say yes.
TT: Whatever, I already agreed up there. Got to go wipe away poor Cal's tears here, man, I'll be back as soon as he's comforted.
EB: i am rolling my eyes so hard right now

The music sounded lonely when he listened to it again.

"Sup?"

"Roof. Five minutes." Bro replied curtly, hearing Dave choke as he straightened and reached over to his phone to tell John the stray had appeared.

"What the fuck? I didn't do anything! Is this because of the mark 'cause I mean I told Rez not to but she still did and-"

"No. It's because I got woken up at whatever time last night to your friend being pathetic because you were an asshole and stood him up.“

“...shit. I didn't tell John?” So he had honestly forgotten, because that sounded guilty as fuck. Bro stood and hung his sword at his hip, hand resting on the hilt, frowning and looking over his shades at his little brother with judgemental amber eyes.

"No you fucking didn't. So four minutes, now. I haven't fucking slept at all because you fucked up and didn't have the common courtesy to tell your bro you were ditching him for some girl who you let write her name all over you." Now he was looking, like fuck had Dave resisted that hickey. He'd been a fucking open page for her to sign as hers, probably wanted to show off at school that he was totally getting some 'choice ass' as he flatteringly referred to her. And here he'd thought he'd raised Dave with fucking standards. Nope. Apparently not.

He'd been disappointed to find out the kid had a girlfriend, actually, in a weird fucked up way. Sort of hoped he'd stick to waters Bro was more familiar with, because the moment Dave had asked how to treat a girl Bro had sort of blanked and said however the fuck he wanted and a day later Dave had caught up (quick thinker that he fucking wasn't) and spent the entire afternoon alarmedly asking how he'd never known his brother was more interested in the cock. Given he'd never exactly hidden the fact, that revelation confused Bro just as much as it did Dave.

For now he could pacify John (seriously though, the kid would not shut up, and this was prime napping time, so why the fuck hadn't he been able to just stop talking back?) through good old swordplay, let out some stress while he was at it, and next time maybe Dave would remember people other than his girlfriend actually existed, given the last week she was all Bro had heard about, beyond the afternoon inquisition into his sexuality. Dave grumbled and went for his sword and Bro took the opportunity to flash to the roof, hopping up onto the air conditioning unit and waiting for the kid to trail up after him as he checked his phone one last time.

EB: don't hurt him too badly though!
EB: and i mean don't tell him i've spoken to you because he'll go all bluh
TT: All 'bluh'?
EB: you know!
EB: when he starts rambling and making weird metaphors and won't shut up and acts all hurt and stuff until you stop doing whatever it is he doesn't like or he signs off in a strop!
TT: John, that's just Dave. You just described every single second of his existence.
EB: shut up! you know what i mean :P
TT: Okay, so if I tell him he'll be a whiny bitch about it?
TT: Why? Am I not allowed to talk to his friends?
TT: Fuck that shit.
EB: bro don't be a dick
TT: Again, you just described me all the time.
EB: siiiiiiiiigh.
EB: whatever dude.
EB: have fun.
TT: Go make out with your bunny or whatever. I'll be back once I've done some good old fashioned parenting.
EB: i don't think attacking a kid with a sword is old fashioned parenting?
TT: Sure it is, I work by the really old handbook. Got some stocks downstairs for when he really pisses me off.
EB: tell me that's a joke because i can't even tell anymore
TT: Oh Dave's here, talk soon.
EB: bro wait tell me

-- timaeusTestified [TT] is now an idle chum! --

EB: dammit bro

He let Dave walk two steps out before he launched at him, and after the kid lurched forward and managed to regain his footing, Bro smirked, Dave glared, and they were off.

"Dave it's a scratch."

"That's not a fucking scratch you dick I think I need stitches!"

"Yeah whatever, give me a minute and I'll come sort it out for you."

"Bro!" Dave whined after him as he strode out of the bathroom to get his first aid kit. The strife had been a fairly good one, Dave had even almost not lost spectacularly, but then one little hit to his arm and he pussied out and camped on the toilet lid until Bro turned up to him complaining, shades dramatically off of his watery red eyes for added effect. "Bro, fuck, be quick. I think I'm dying here. You hit an artery or something. My life is flashing before my eyes. Tell John...I always...loved him..."

"You really want me to tell him that?"

TT: Dave says he always loved you.

"Pff like you would ever talk to Egbert."

EB: what???
EB: he's joking right because i mean he knows i'm not a homosexual!

"He says he isn't gay, sorry dude."

Suddenly that horrific wound wasn't enough to stop Dave appearing in the lounge doorway, eyes narrowed. He didn't ask, exactly, just pulled his lips into a frown and furrowed his eyebrows in low, eyes moving from Bro to his phone and back again.

"Son of a bitch give me that."

"It's my phone you little shitstain, get off." Luckily height gave him the advantage, so it was easy to hold it up and type with one hand, the other on Dave's face and holding him back as he lunged upwards, hissing every time his cut bumped Bro's forearm.

TT: Hey guess what I told Dave I've spoken to you because I don't dig the whole forbidden bromance thing you seemed to be gunning for.
EB: oh my god broooooooo you promised! :(
TT: No, I did not.
EB: well you should have!
TT: Dude you're acting like we're dating, stop. We're talking about mundane crap and what a dick Dave is. That's hardly top secret material right there.
TT: He'd be more pissed if he found out you'd hidden it.
TT: Why don't you want him to know anyway?
EB: because he's really weird about you! all secretive and stuff!
EB: he always hangs up on me if you walk in
EB: and he always said he didn't want me to come stay because he's not sure it's a good idea with you there!
TT: Oh he did did he.

"Dave, stop, seriously. You're just gonna hurt that worse. Come on, sit down and let me sort it."

"Why the actual fuck are you talking to John?" The futon creaked as he slumped onto it, offering up his arm as Bro flashed the phone somewhere safe and then began carefully cleaning up the blood from the admittedly deeper than he'd expected laceration.

"Sad baby panda."

"...what?"

"Because he practically fucking cried and I felt bad for him so I like, watched some shitty film with him in your place and today he's been bitching about you to me, and I've been telling him I fucking know what a douche you are, I have to live with you."

"Well now I'm back so he can bitch at me and you can stop talking to him, yeeeOW! Fuck, Bro, a little more careful!"

Bro paused in scrubbing violently at the cut, face still calm as he gave Dave a long look. He returned to carefully wiping, pursing his lips just a little. A year ago, Dave had practically fucking worshipped him, outside of their sibling rivalry. Then something changed and the kid drifted and now it was harder and harder to have a single conversation with him without it descending into insults. Half the time Dave was home he spent up in the crawlspace just 'cause at least he got some damn peace up there.

"Y'know he's the first of your friends other than Lalonde I've actually ever spoken to."

"So? They're my friends. I never get to meet any of yours." A little triumphant note crept in, his I've won the argument tone. Little shit, that was a separate thing.

"I'm your guardian, I'm looking out for you, that shit is different, kid."

"You're my bro, like fuck do you look out for me, shit is identical, asshole."

"Dave, don't be a little bitch."

"Bro, don't creep on my friends."

"I'm not creeping on him!"

"Yes, you are, you always do."

"Fuck's sake, Dave."

"John is like a delicate flower, a fearful virgin to the ways of the world, who suffers asthma attacks at the first mention of sex and believes ninety percent of the bullshit you tell him if you sound convincing. Someone like you is his ultimate fucking weakness, a dick who can pull off a deadpan when he announces some shitty kids show is the greatest thing in creation and even trick his less naive brother into watching it. John would lap up anything you say and that's really fucking bad given you would tell him shit about everything, including me."

“Ever occur to you I actually can be nice to people?"

"Nope, because you can't, because you're Bro. You turn to the word asshole in the dictionary and there's a signed fucking picture of you. Psychopaths call you for advice on being dicks. You run a fucking porn site with puppets this is not exactly the sort of shit John would deal well with. Pretty sure the first sniff of plush fucking puppety rump and he'd swoon all overdramatic into the arms of his Dad and Dadbert would be all, you killed my son with porn, you monster! And you would just laugh. Because you do. Because you're Bro."

"So basically," He wrapped the bandages over the pad on the wound, knowing he should totally not be this annoyed by what Dave was saying (even if more of it was apparently true than he liked, and this was his little brother calling him up on being as ass and wanting to talk to a fourteen year old kid, which he still couldn't justify to himself) but he was getting really, really fucking angry beneath his practised exterior, "The only way you'd let me talk to anyone you know is if I ceased to be me."

"And as that isn't going to happen, fuck off. You're all up in the rest of my shit, leave me something that's just mine, fuck."

The red fixed directly on his eyes through his glasses, because of course Dave knew exactly where they were. No, the little shit did not get to demand anything from him, and Bro was not in all his shit he was in the exact amount he had to be as his fucking guardian, did he not get that? If he even told him John was the one who had wanted to talk to him, not the other way around, Dave would dismiss it because it didn't fit into his worldview and his argument and no, John was right, Dave was intolerable about this in the most pathetic way.

"Just go find a derp your own age and stop being a creep, seriously." His brother added coldly, partially to cover the fact he'd had to look away and blink. "You're, like, forty. You shouldn't be messing with kids."

And there was the indirect accusation he had known was coming, but it stung no matter how hard he'd braced for it.

"I'm not that fucking old, and it's not fucking like that!" He snapped, flashing to his room without bothering to get his phone the moment Dave's arm was done. He slammed the door, but not before he heard Dave shout after him, desperate for the last word.

“Well you could've fucking fooled me!"

Chapter Text

"'Sup."

John mustered his best pout. He could produce some quality pouting when he needed to, and damn straight he need to right now. Sad puppies would copy him.

"...okay. So. I know what you're gonna say."

"You're a dick."

"I'm a massive dick. I know. But hear me out, man, I was floating on a ship of young love in a fucking ocean of amour, waves of fine ass driving me back from the shore of broship and out into the wild expanses of boyfriendhood. I lost sight of land behind the fog of a sexy lady and she was singing like a siren, Egbert, luring me out until I was wrecked on the rocks of a relationship and bam, she was in my head, dude, all I could think about. Sucked me out into the ocean and drowned me, dragged my whole boat under and-"

"Dave."

"What?"

"Shut up."

John watched him shuffle awkwardly around the window, adjusting the shades several times before giving a sigh and leaning forward. That was his confused face. It was pretty hard to tell with the shades covering most of them, but John had got pretty good with Dave's expressions since his Dad had bought him his webcam. Confused was when Dave's lips pursed just slightly, and his eyebrows went low, and he sucked in his cheeks for a split second before he spoke, voice as level as ever.

"John. What the fuck is up with Bro."

"He filled in for you when you abandoned me for your better friends." Wow, yes, that sounded angry, and Dave visibly flinched. John paused, and in a less sharp tone continued, "He's not as bad as you say he is, dude, I'd kill for my Dad to be that cool."

"You know he's like, forty, right?"

"Thirty-one, and so? Dave it's not like I'm actually meeting him, he's a video and a line of text to me, age sort of becomes a moot point! Like Jade, we haven't even seen her yet, for all we know she could be some old guy faking, but to us she's just Jade! A name and how she acts and that's fine." He had not been mentally practising this, not at all. "And you know I can't just go out and get friends my age or whatever. I only have the Internet, Dave, and it's full of dicks in every way that could possibly mean. Finding someone likeable in a sea of trolls is hard."

"Bro is not likeable. He's weird. As hell."

"Ugh. You used to think he was awesome!"

"Yeah, when I was a kid. I also used to be his freaky mini-me clone, these things are probably related?" Dave rocked back in his chair, thrusting his hands into his pockets. "Plus come on, you've got me. I provide all the Strider swag you will ever need."

"Yeah, until your girlfriend takes it all up and you go off in your weird metaphor boat forever."

"John that isn't gonna happen."

"Dave, you left me! I know it was stupid but you forgot about me because of her! You used to be more fun when you didn't have other friends."

"Wow, sorry not all of us can be shut ins."

He had taken it as a joke, shoulders relaxing and mouth a less pale line, but it wasn't meant to be one! It was true! Dave had used to be fun, into weird things that were interesting and spending all the time he could talking to John, and Rose and Jade. He'd always been there, and when John was down he lifted him back up, and he was one of the few people John thought actually sort of valued him, a little. God knew there were precious few of them.

Jade had been his first friend, but over time she'd introduced the others. John had had friends, real friends, people other than his Dad to talk to who weren't just shitty forum trolls! They'd all spent hours talking and playing games and watching movies and being there, and it had been great! His computer was suddenly this window to a big wide world with real people in it, and he loved every second of it.

Then Dave was enrolled in an actual school. For actual kids. And as Rose had put it when John complained about him changing, peer pressure had warped him into the image of a coolkid, popular, socially active, and a magnificent ass. He was out more, the names of people he was going with falling thick and fast, more people than John could remember meeting in his life. He was sharper in tone, pulling them up and less patient for the jokes they used to share. Rose said unfortunately it was part of him maturing, and shedding the childish personality of his youth, and John was just a little behind and would find soon enough he would begin maturing too. But Rose always said things like that, said she thought in the end this was for the better. John just thought maybe he should go back to being Just Dave and not The Coolkid or The Popular One because Just Dave had been fine!

Just Dave had been great.

And he sort of missed him.

"If you're allowed all your friends why can't he be mine?"

"Because he's my brother, and old, and weird, and he'll mess you up. I'm looking out for you, man, trust me, I know him."

"You didn't even know how old he was!"

"Touché, but still. Come on, Egbert, would I ever lead you wrong?"

"Uh, duh, of course you would!"

"Not about serious shit, man." Dave said solemnly, placing a hand over his heart. "I swear to Gog, I'm not just messing with you here. You'll be better off sticking to safe waters, not going off exploring where it's deep and there's a great big asshole shark waiting to tear you to shreds."

"Are these the same waters you're sailing the HMS Fuckup in?"

"...no, they're like...it's the ocean off the other side of the Bro-nation. Don't mix metaphors, man, that shit gets confusing."

"...coming from you."

"No idea what you're insinuating there, Egbert, I'm practically the modern day Shakespeare over here."

John snorted at that, but relaxed into a grin, deciding he could leave the serious conversation he wanted to have with Dave to another time. For now, he had his best bro back, and he guessed that was enough.

"Just, come on. Do me a favour and promise you'll leave Bro be."

Nope. There was the line of things John was willing to put up with, and there was Dave leapfrogging over it.

"I promise, Dave." John replied earnestly, one hand up and on his heart. Dave examined him closely, even tipping his head so those rarely-seen red eyes flashed visible, then straightened and calmed, slouching across the chair and giving a curt nod.

"Cool. Well then, Egderp. Guess I owe you a film."

"You totally do!" Dave was setting up the stream before he spoke. "And you'll watch every second of it, too. No falling asleep! Not like last time!"

"John, fuck, you made me watch Street Fighter. That film...it was either sleep or suffer a mental breakdown, I couldn't even save that film, it was just shit."

"I only picked that because you made me watch The Little Mermaid!"

"I thought it would float your boat."

"No you didn't! You were laughing at me all the way through it, I bet!"

"I think you'll find I was caught up in the tragic tale of forbidden love."

"Pffff. Whatever, Dave."

The banter moved on, and John uncrossed his fingers from behind his back, pleased with himself as the prankster's gambit swung in his direction.

Maybe next time Dave actually wanted him to keep a promise, he wouldn't ask just after being such a stupid girlfriend-preferring jerk.

Chapter Text

The first thing that occured to him through the morning amnesia was that the poster-plastered ceiling he staring up at was his. His bedroom. He couldn't remember sleeping in there in years, and as memories drifted back he struggled to recall why.

Then he sat up, and the pile of smuppets he'd collapsed into squeaked loudly like a chorus of the most filthy angels. Right, it was his store room now. That would be it.

Bro groaned and rubbed at his face, partially to dislodge the brilliantly coloured felt fibres he could just feel clinging to his stubble and partly to try to speed the transition from practically drunk on drowsiness to just awake enough to actually get up. Oh god, had he taken his shirt off? There were smuppet imprints all over him, like some botched tattoo gone horribly, horribly wrong. While he was fond of his creations in many intimate ways, that fell short of wanting his body adorned with them. Shit, had some of the orange dye come off or was he imagining that? He could swear there was a slight orange tinge and that stuff wouldn't wash out, so fuck if he was taking his shirt off again for a while, and what if Dave saw it and was an ass about it, or worse what if someone at a club saw it and-

Oh shit. The club. He'd had work last night.

"Fuck!" He muttered, searching for his phone amongst the plush rumps and felt proboscises, considering it a minor triumph when he managed to locate his rainbow-felt covered shirt. As he pulled it on he recalled hiding his phone and not collecting it again, and then recalled his argument with Dave that basically amounted to them both being prone to escalating everything quickly, and then groaned as he once again remembered sleeping instead of just going to fucking work.

He dressed as best he could, ending up looking like some toddler had attacked him with pretty colours, but at least the smuppet-hickeys were covered. Smuppet-hickeys. That was their name now, that was a thing.

Now the mission became collect his phone from on top of the fridge, and avoid Dave, little stroppy shit that he probably was right now. Luckily both of those things had an easy answer, so with a slight roll of his shoulders to crack them, he reached up and hooked the cord of the crawlspace, opening the hatch and jumping up so his fingers caught, pulling himself up to crouch on the edge and loom over the hole like the goddam Batman. He closed the hatch back up and paused for a moment to listen for signs of where Dave was, and of course he was in the kitchen. Of course he was.

He crept silently over the floor, stepping over the beams he knew would creak with careful grace, avoiding putting weight on the other trapdoors Dave wasn't actually aware of. He manouevered around the vent of the faulty air conditioning unit he would sometimes climb to get to the roof when he really wanted to be alone, and then stopped on the edge of the trapdoor above the kitchenette, drawing in a long, deep breath and then holding it as he delicately hitched it off the small catch that usually prevented it opening upwards, flipping it open and cautiously examining the layout of the room below as he laid it to rest on the messy, dusty floor.

Dave was staring at the microwave, leaning his head on his arms, disinterestedly swilling apple juice around a small bottle as he prodded the pile of fireworks he'd had to remove prior to cooking. He could see his phone in the gap between the fridge and ceiling, and crouched low to the ground opposite, trying to calculate how best to grab the thing. Nothing a little effort and a lot of flexibility couldn't solve.

With a soft exhale and then another deep breath in, Bro lay back on the trapdoor above the fridge, arms gripping the edges of the hole as he eased himself further back. As soon as he was far enough, he cocked an ear, hearing Dave rambling to himself, still in the same place. He was pretty sure the kid didn't realise those little dialogues were out loud. Good thing, too - they were like a beacon, and the way Bro always knew exactly where Dave was. It was that or when he had music playing loud enough in his earphones to hear a room away.

Right. This better work.

He hooked his feet under the edge of the trapdoor, tensed, then released the sides and swung down with enough momentum to catch the phone, knees folded around the edge of the hole. He gritted his teeth and pushed off the fridge to get back up, grasping fingertips just managing to catch the edge and hoist him out of view as Dave looked around.

"Bro?"

A little (a lot) smug, he quietly put the trapdoor back in place and hooked it in to only open one way once more. Below, Dave was rambling agitatedly about fucking stealthy dumb ass bullshit and Bro almost regretted not having had Cal to leave in the phone's place, but not quite. His screen had several missed messages when he flicked it on, and they had quickly absorbed his attention.

Without missing a beat, he flashed to where the air conditioner vent snaked along the low ceiling and swung up through the hatch, catching the knotted rope he'd hung down the centre and starting to quietly climb, using it to steady himself enough he didn't make booming hits into the sides. Then he crept upwards, emerged onto the roof, and settled on the edge with legs dangling into the abyss as he observed the screen more closely, frowning at the colourful mix awaiting him.

CA: stri wwhere the fuck are you
CA: im bein serious you asshole
CA: wwhat sort a professional dont evven showw up
CA: youre lucky i had backup an youre lucky youre too good to fire
CA: but this is the ONLY time im lettin you off the hook
CA: fuckin dick

So that was his boss pussying out of punishing him, good. Probably knew he didn't need the gig but they weren't going to get any better. He sent back a vague message about being deathly ill but totally having recovered now and got sent back a fuck off in response. For that douchebag that was a pretty positive reply.

TG: drik
TG: dirk*
TG: i hav WORLD CHANGEIGN NEWSW
TG: i have......
TG: ..................
TG: ................
TG: ..................,..
TG: ...........
TG: (dramtic pause lol)
TG: A BF
TG: a smokin hot bf
TG: dappre as FUCK
TG: fyi ms rolal is of the amarket
TG: off*
TG: sry bby
TG: i no u had ur hops up
TG: shoulda put a fing on it
TG: *rnig
TG: *rin
TG: OMFG ****RING
TG: yh so
TG: ur not there r u
TG: lettin the team down
TG: who can i glote to now tho dirk
TG: WHO CAN I
TG: o wate janeys online nvm
TG: later distri

...oh good. There was a conversation he wasn't going to be allowed to avoid later.

EB: bro are you there yet?
EB: no?
EB: ok well
EB: i just wanted to check you were okay?
EB: you know, because you were being totally normal and sword fighting your sibling.
EB: i thought me and my dad strifing was bad but like
EB: at least i'm not trying to kill him???
EB: so uh when you are around
EB: let me know you aren't dead or something, please?
EB: and the whole not killing dave thing
EB: that would be great too!
EB: oh hey wait dave is online i guess he's alive then!

There was a long pause, and then an hour ago, three last messages.

EB: don't tell dave we're still talking
EB: i told you he'd go bluh!
EB: i told you bro!

Yes, yes he had. Bro sighed to himself, tapping the screen and starting to type.

TT: I assume you spoke to Dave then, because I had a slight disagreement with him about it last night and am well aware he took it like the tiny whiny school girl he actually is inside.
TT: That might even be his fucking spirit animal right there.
TT: He's made an issue out of something that really didn't need to be.
TT: But hey. I'm alive. Barely a scratch on me, so that's pretty chill.
TT: Oh and I won, thanks for asking. No one is surprised.
EB: i sort of guessed that by the way dave kept pouting and cradling his arm and fishing for sympathy?
EB: i'm glad you're okay though!

There was a slight pause, just long enough Bro noticed it and quirked an eyebrow at the screen.

EB: both of you, i mean!
EB: you and dave
EB: who is my best bro
EB: and i was totally just as worried for
EB: heh?
TT: Did you just try and laugh nervously on a text chat.
EB: no!!
EB: well maybe.
EB: shut up!
TT: Shutting the hell up as we speak, but no promises I am not mentally once more comparing you to some sort of dorky kitten.
EB: shut up!!! i am totally a more manly animal than that.
TT: Of course you are.
EB: yes!!
TT: You're at least a puppy.
EB: bro!
TT: Calm your tits, it was a complete joke.
EB: no it wasn't.
TT: No it wasn't.
TT: Did you get made another sugary monstrosity this morning?
EB: no thank god! i think dad got the message when i took a hammer to the last one.
EB: he still fought back though! that man is a devil with cakekind.
TT: Your family strifes are basically cake fights?
TT: To quote you, "pffffffff"
TT: No wonder you worry about us playing with real weapons.
EB: hey! i use hammerkind, that's totally a proper strife specibus
TT: You use hammerkind...
TT: ...to beat up cakes?
EB: sorry not all of us can be ninja sword masters!
TT: Seriously, John, please learn some vague self defence against things that aren't puddings?
TT: At least step up to main courses.
EB: oh shoosh, dude
EB: i can defend myself just fine!
TT: Of course you can, John.
EB: >:P
TT: So what are you doing today, other than bothering me?
EB: i don't know
EB: my dad is out with some lady he knows but he locked me in and told me in an emergency i could smash a window to escape and that i was to be good and stay here and that he was proud of me.
EB: well no i woke up to a note stuck to my computer that had all of that on it in STUPID CAPITAL LETTERS BECAUSE HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE SMALL ONES.
EB: so just playing games and talking to you i guess?
TT: Is that why you seem incapable of typing capitals yourself in a typical sentence? To compensate for his overuse of the upper case?
EB: it's just quicker!
EB: at least i can actually punctuate, unlike dave
EB: rose types all posh like you though.
TT: Lalonde, right?
TT: And this isn't posh, this is just typing correctly, kid.
EB: i think that's her name! has dave spoken about her?
TT: Sort of. It's not important.
EB: whatever.
EB: you should totally drop the mysterious cool dude act, i am so beyond falling for it now.
TT: My apologies, let me just revert back into my true personality, where I become naught but a squealing dorky fool and can only say kawaii desu!!!! like some sort of otaku pokemon.
TT: Or maybe, you know. This is my actual personality right here.
TT: Just as a thought.
EB: i like to think if i scratch away long enough beneath the douchey outer shell is a soft squishy centre that's actually really sweet
TT: Well get to it with the power tools, kid, because getting there will take a fucking long time.
EB: i'm setting to it with one of those big drill things that looks like a doomsday device
EB: raiding the lost temple of bro
EB: looking for the golden idol of likeability
EB: setting off all his ironic defences
TT: And then being betrayed by some guy who dies anyway?
EB: shoosh stop ruining my metaphor
TT: No. I have spent way too long with Dave to put up with dumb ass metaphors.
TT: Well done, John, you found my kryptonite.
TT: It's stupid rambling streams of words with no bearing on what's actually going on.
EB: that's a pretty specific weakness
TT: It comes naturally when living with Dave, trust me.
EB: well whatever! my point is, you're stuck with me now.
EB: i'm not going to stop until that idol is mine.
TT: You're going to regret that.
EB: i'd never regret anything if it made me a friend!

This kid was going to be the death of him.

EB: oh my god
EB: my dad
EB: bro he's on a date
EB: he's on a date what the fuck!!
TT: Wait, you've only realised this now? John it's been three hours, and it was pretty obvious.
TT: I'm not questioning you intelligence, but
TT: Wow.
TT: Really?
EB: he never leaves the house how can he have a date???
TT: Hey John, there's this rad invention for meeting new people without leaving home you should check out some time.
TT: It's called 'The Internet'.
EB: shut up!!!!!
EB: this isn't fair!
EB: i'm too fragile to be allowed to just go out
EB: but he can just swan off with some girl?
EB: why does this keep happening!!
TT: If it makes you feel better I can guarantee 100% that I will never in my life abandon you for a date with a girl.
EB: that's a pretty big promise to make
TT: Eh, I'm pretty sure I can stick to it.
EB: well whatever! i just can't believe he left me stuck here like always while he's gone out :(
EB: he could've taken me
TT: I don't mean to pry here, but you and your Dad.
TT: From what I've gathered you never leave the house. Either of you.
TT: I can believe it, with home schooling and deliveries and so on.
TT: But
TT: Why?
EB: oh
EB: well
EB: uh
TT: Don't worry about it, forget I asked.
EB: no, no, it's okay
EB: i mean my dad's always been like this?
EB: i remember going out when i was really little
EB: i went to a normal preschool and stuff!
EB: but then my mom died and it all sort of just
EB: stopped?
EB: dad started working from home and teaching me here and i just sort of got used to it.
EB: he just says he wants me to be safe
EB: and anyway, i do sort of leave the house! we have a yard.
TT: A yard, huh.
EB: yeah, with a pogo ride and a swing and a tree i climb in the summer :)
EB: it's great! and i get fresh air and i can go out and sunbathe and in the winter it all gets covered with snow?
EB: i build snowmen of dave and rose and jade
EB: dave always says his doesn't look cool enough but i don't know how to make snow shades
EB: i'm too big for the ride now but sometimes when dad isn't looking i still play on it
EB: when i was little it was my favourite thing in the world, it was so much fun
EB: i mean my computer is now but that's only because all of my friends are on it!
EB: and if i wasn't too old for it i think the ride would still be pretty close
EB: uh
EB: sorry!
TT: For what?
EB: for rambling! i was going on about stupid stuff
EB: i just don't talk about my things often. all of the others have much cooler stuff!
EB: like dave always has stories about strifing with you, and rose lives in a big mansion, and jade has so many great stories about her grandpa and her island
EB: and i just have a yard
TT: John, your yard is great.
TT: I want to hear all the fuck about your yard.
EB: ha ha, yeah okay, whatever.
TT: My favourite home had a great yard.
TT: It was big, but there were about ten of us so it didn't feel that big when we were playing in it.
TT: The guy, I can't remember his name, he'd built a playground out of timber and stuff, it was amazing. All these little holes to hide in and ladders to climb, and a big curvy slide.
TT: But all the other kids always got there first, and shoved me out of the way, because back then I was stick thin and about as strong as a twig. The guy noticed and he didn't have much space left so he just gave me a tyre on a rope, hanging from a tree away from them.
TT: Wrote my name on it in big orange letters because it was just for me.
TT: They had their fancy shit, but I had my swing I could sit in and climb on and just have fun, and that was enough for me.
TT: I loved that place.
TT: They moved me on a month or two later because some kid made a complaint that I'd threatened him when I hadn't. Never got another place with a decent yard again.
EB: wow
EB: that's actually kind of
EB: sad
EB: but happy at the same time?
EB: i have a tyre swing outside too.
TT: Would you tell me about it?
EB: ...
EB: yeah
EB: okay.

John had signed off for a while to have a bath, and he had managed to get back in and stake a claim to his futon without using the door, Dave back in his room and apparently content to stay there. The choice of television on a Sunday afternoon was decidedly not to his tastes, so he had settled in to play some Mad Snacks Yo while he waited for the blue boy to reappear.

Little miss pink showed up first.

TG: dirk
TG: u better b ther this time mistur
TT: Regrettably it seems I am.
TT: Good afternoon, Lalonde.
TG: its a fuckin GRATE aftrnoon stirder
TG: u dont even no
TG: i am on cloud ten ovr here
TT: It's "cloud nine", Roxy.
TG: nope i passed thatt shithol a wile bk lol
TG: now im up in teh strattohsfere
TG: *startosphare
TG: *w/ever
TG: w/ my sexy bf who i wil now tell u all aobut
TT: Please do go on.
TG: wow u sound like rose wen you get all partonisin
TG: but ok i totes will
TG: hes lyk sum bakin dude who works fr bety cocker
TG: *crocker lol
TG: a dapper gentelmn
TG: we met on the webs bcuz my mad haker skillz got me in troble w/ crocker corp and he was my nite in shining armur who came in an got me off the hook
TG: it was love at frst text lemtme tell u
TG: he was all ur text is so prety jus lk u
TG: an i was all *swoon*
TG: ooh mistr egbert ooh
TG: pretty sure hes the one, dirky boy
TT: Egbert?
TG: yh i mean hes asian or somethin bt i gues its jewish rite?
TT: No it just rings a bell, that's
TT: Does he have a kid?
TG: maybe i dunno i thnk so?
TG: i was distacted by alcohol
TG: i can aksk i mean hes only gnoe to the batroom
TT: If he does, and it's a dude, do me a favour and give him a hug and say it's from Bro.
TG: wate u want me to hug my bf fr u?
TT: I meant the kid.
TG: oooooooo
TG: y?
TT: Just do it. Come on, you owe me so many favours, I'm just checking one in.
TG: siiiiiiiihgs
TG: i gess i can bcuz its u my bffsie
TG: bein all weird an sneayky lk always
TG: but u beter tell me y later distri
TG: im warning u
TT: You have my solemn word.
TG: lk thats worth shit lol
TG: k mr sexy is bk gotta go
TG: think ill gtet invted bk for coffee soon *wink wink*
TG: im gonna get laid tonite drik i can feel it
TT: Good luck with that.
TG: ty
TG: u no u need to get laid urself mr
TG: wen r u gonna get around to that
TT: Goodbye, Roxy.
TG: ofc u dont answer
TG: gbye

As ever, his whole world just curved back in on itself. He shared a look with Cal, but decided just this once, the universe was forgiven.

EB: you are such a stupid massive dork
EB: and i don't want to know how you know rose's mom!
EB: (oh god my dad is dating rose's mom D:)
EB: ...but thanks
EB: i guess.
TT: You're welcome, I guess.
EB: you know she's the first person who's visited in years.
EB: but he let her in!
EB: maybe that means he might actually let me go out?
TT: I hope so, John.
TT: You deserve room to breathe.
EB: well i can hope :)
EB: mom is staying for dinner so i have to go now?
TT: Mom?
EB: she introduced herself as rose's mom so i don't know that's just what i'll call her! i mean like you're just bro, right?
EB: that's because you're dave's bro! that can't be your real name!
TT: I prefer it to my real name.
EB: but it's exactly the same!
EB: i guess she doesn't share it with people often?
EB: or at the very least not me!
EB: maybe she keeps it for special people like some weird show of trust?
EB: wow that sounds like something out of a terrible romantic film
EB: oh clarence, you must know, my name is not mom it is penelope!
EB: he he he
TT: Dirk.
EB: what? i don't think that's her name!
TT: Clarence, my name is Dirk.
TT: But I prefer Bro a hell of a lot, so think carefully before abusing that knowledge, Clarence.
EB: wow
EB: really?
EB: i know your name!
EB: that feels kind of cool.
EB: like i have some secret top secret knowledge, my eyes only, all that spy stuff
TT: That's pretty much what happened here.
EB: dirk strider
EB: you sound like a shitty action hero!
TT: Because John Egbert is so much better?
EB: shoosh
EB: my name is just fine
EB: and yours is sort of cool!
EB: dirk
EB: :)
TT: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Please stop using it now.
EB: okay, fiiiiiiiine. i'm putting it away in my blackmail folder.
TT: John.
EB: joke!
EB: seriously though
EB: thanks?
TT: What for, this time?
EB: duh, for trusting me.
EB: it's nice to know someone does!
TT: You're a good kid.
EB: and you're a good
EB: person?
EB: whatever the adult version is!
EB: dad's starting to sound less cheerful so i better go
EB: i'll be back soon
TT: I'll still be here.
EB: yeah
EB: i know
EB: :)

Chapter Text

"Hey, Johnny boy! C'mere cutie, Dad is just getting the food out."

She called him Dad. Wow. That was disturbing on a lot of levels, not least he was starting to worry that was his father's actual name. But no, Dad had probably just told her to call him that around John, like parents did around young kids, that was more likely! And ugh, that was just as annoying. John was fourteen, why couldn't he treat him like an actual teenager instead of a kid?

He quietly moved over to the table and fidgeted as he watched her lay out the knives and forks (that was his job she was stealing), listening to her hum a soft, aimless melody as she worked. When she briefly grew closer he caught a whiff of the alcoholic fumes he had nearly drowned in earlier, when she had suddenly swamped him in her arms and shoved his head to her chest (he was going to die of embarrassment) and whispered it was from Bro before letting him go and sweeping back under Dad's arm as his old man practically glowed.

Mom stopped humming and looked him over with eyes that sparkled with deceptively sharp intelligence, given her slur and slight stagger, hopping into a chair with the exact opposite of grace.

"So you know Dirk?" Okay, where had the martini she was gesturing with come from, because it totally hasn't been there a minute ago! Wait she called him Dirk.

"He prefers Bro." John mumbled defensively, sitting opposite and folding his arms over his slimer shirt with a slight frown.

"Oh does he now? Lol." Yes she had said that aloud, what on earth was his father thinking? "Whelp, how d'you know Bro then?"

"I know Dave."

"Oooooh. And you know Rosey, right?"

"...yes?"

"What a little judgemental witch amiright?"

"Uh-?"

"Pfff don't bother I totes am she's a menace." Mom laughed loudly, leaving him blinking blankly at her. "Dad told me all about you. Home schooled, right?"

"...and home everything elsed." John muttered, mostly to himself, but she clearly heard, responding with a small nod, laying a pink taloned hand on the white cloth and tracing small circles with the tip of her nails.

"Hm. You seem pretty well adjusted an' stuff though so that's good."

"Uh. Thanks?"

"You're welcome." He was nothing short of bemused as she gave him a big smiley thumbs up, laughing again. "Wow. I have had so much to drink you would not believe." No, no, he totally would believe. She smelt like a brewery. "Your Dad is so great."

Some part of his subconscious noted it was the third time she'd said his name, and like magic he was coming out of the kitchen in his stupid frilly pink apron and matching gloves, carefully holding three plates along his arms (said he used to be a waiter, but John was certain it was dark sugary magics at work) with his pipe bobbing back and forward as he chewed on it in concentration. The plates were carefully distributed onto the three placemats, and then he was pulling off his gloves and tucking them under his arm, smiling at Mom with a stupid, broad grin that looked so wrong compared to his normal, respectably small, controlled smiles. She tittered back at him.

Bluh, this was so stupid.

"I hope you are being a polite young man." Dad fixed him in his deeper blue eyes, smile dimming to a calmer expression. "I know you aren't used to company."

He nodded and smiled cheerfully, burying the temptation to scream. Not used to company? There was a reason for that! It was 6'4" and wore a damn fedora and smoked a stupid pipe! It never let him further than the driveway or invited people in! There was why he wasn't used to company!

"Well then. If you'll join me in saying grace?"

The meal was dull, but for the ongoing desire to vomit every time they made doe-eyes at each other. John ate his food as rapidly as he could without being sick, and then absconded just in time to avoid whatever pastry terrors lurked in his father's kitchen today, ignoring Mom call a vague questioning remark about him staying for dessert.

He had always thought he'd be over the moon to have a girl in the house! It had just never occurred to him it would be because Dad was going out with her. His room was a safe haven from icky old people dating. Well, not that old people, they were only the same age as Bro! He just seemed way less...grown up. That was all. And at least he didn't flirt over dinner like John wouldn't even notice, oh god it had been horrible, he was so done.

Someone needed to share in his misery, and oh he knew just who that someone could be.

-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 19:24pm --

EB: rose oh my god your mum and my dad
EB: bluuuuuuuuh!!!
EB: it's unbearable.
EB: please take her back before it gets any worse??
TT: Regretfully I do not have my mother on a leash nor am I at liberty to command her to return, John. Were I to create some emergency fake or forced she would tell me to deal with it, snidely. Were I to claim I missed her she would snort at my pathetic attempt to draw her away. I am afraid she is yours to enjoy while I am left to suffer the pain of having the house all to myself.
TT: After all, it is so tragically hard to get by when she is not here to constantly passive aggressively taunt me, or to waft her delightful eau de drunkard about the place.
EB: you're having a great time aren't you
TT: Of course I am, this has been the best fortnight of my life. Do you know our kitchen actually works, John, and can be used to cook food? That a nightly catering service is not actually required? Or how about that it is actually possible to hear myself think without her cackling at whatever mindless nonsense she is watching, or whatever dullards she is communicating with?
TT: I have actually accomplished some work! Without someone to point out such impossibly unimportant flaws I end up tearing my hair out in quiet frustration.
EB: i hate you so much
TT: And I can only offer my thanks to your household for leading her to take that particular business trip to Washington and taking her off of my weary hands for a few weeks.
EB: so you knew about this???
TT: Our parents? Of course I did. I had not mentioned it in case you tried any sort of shenanigans to prevent her visit. Considering your reaction I am glad I chose to withhold that particular fact.
TT: I am afraid this blissful freedom is enough reward for such an omission that I have no regrets whatsoever. If you wish pity may I suggest Jade? She is usually more empathetic to your plight in a less "creepy clinical sciencey" way, as I recall you described myself.
EB: rose i hope mom gets back to you as soon as possible! i'm going to tell her to go home right now!
TT: Now, now, John. No need for such drastic threats.
TT: If you'll excuse me I need to go and dance about the hallway laughing loudly at your Motherly misfortune.
TT: Enjoy her stay!
EB: >:(
TT: ;)

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is now offline! --

He hit his head against the desk, quietly cursing the whole stupid house of Lalonde.

Eventually he straightened, tugging his keyboard out again.

EB: my dad should not be allowed to date people ever.
EB: this is the worst possible thing
EB: it's all so soppy!
EB: so oh i wuv oo schnookums
EB: this whole thing sucks so hard
TT: Huh. I bet you don't even know she's a screamer yet.
EB: :?
TT: Don't worry, it's nothing.
TT: Come on, though, your old man might relax a bit and given she doesn't live with you maybe this will prompt visits. That's good, right?
EB: i guess
EB: is it weird i always thought if there was a girlfriend in the house she'd be mine?
EB: i didn't even think dad had friends!
EB: let alone like, a girl!
EB: it's nice to have someone new around, but i just wish they weren't being so icky
EB: and maybe that she was closer to my age? :(
EB: or a cool grown up like you!
TT: Trust me, she's plenty cool when you get to know her. Give it time, okay?
EB: i guess
EB: i just realised
EB: my mom used to sit there at dinner
EB: dad never let me sit in that seat ever
EB: i think he really likes her, bro
TT: Then let me tell you, kid, he couldn't have picked a better chick.
EB: ...promise?
TT: Promise.
EB: okay
EB: i guess if you like her she can't be that bad!
EB: i'll try and give her a chance
TT: You won't regret it.
TT: She may be a bit eccentric but she's one of the coolest people I know. At least I know you're in safe hands.
EB: i believe you
EB: dave's online and we were meant to playing some game he likes tonight
EB: i guess we'll talk tomorrow?
TT: You know it, kid.
TT: Have a good night.

-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 20:32pm --

-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 02:18am --

EB: OH MY GOD THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS!!!!!!
EB: YOU COULD HAVE WARNED ME BRO!!!!!
EB: BLUUUUUH BLUH BLUH!!!
EB: YOU COULD HAVE FUCKING WARNED ME!!!!!

He woke at eight to his father asking him if he had slept well.

John lied, waited until he left, buried his head in his pillow and screamed.

He really hoped Bro was right about Mom, because he had a gnawing suspicion that whatever the case, this was going to be the worst fucking sleepless week of his life.

Chapter Text

EB: HOW CAN ANYONE BE THIS LOUD OH MY GOD!!!

Don't laugh, don't laugh.

-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] sent file ijusthadsex.mp3 at 04:10am --

TG: *wink wonk* :3

Oh holy shit. He was glad he'd once more absconded to the roof because he was laughing so hard he was practically crying, in loud baritone peals rarely heard even by himself. Having had the pleasure of sharing a flat with Roxy briefly when she was on the dating scene, he was well aware of John's pain. He wanted to pity the kid, he really did. But oh God. He was just in the sort of mood this was the funniest shit in the world.

-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 09:14am --

TT: Roxy, I hope you remembered there is a fragile young boy in the house.
TG: um
TG: ooooo
TG: O SHIT
TG: no wunder he wont luk at me w/out goin all red an stamemery lol
TG: poor jon
TG: i think i borke him distri
TG: i think i borke him
TG: shit *broke
TT: Try to avoid giving him a total mental breakdown?
TG: nxt time ill use my inside vcocie k
TG: speakin of jonny
TG: u sed u wud tell me y hugs
TG: im waitin ovr here w/ my best lisenin ears on
TG: go on mr striedr
TG: my pen is poyised
TT: Not much to it, really. A few days back Dave left when they were meant to watch a film online so I filled in and he's a good kid. We kept talking. Know he's lonely and I mean I'm in Houston so like hell am I going to actually see him any time soon, you simply provided an opportunity for contact in a roundabout way that I couldn't miss.
TG: o rly
TG: a good kid hm
TT: He's more interesting than the people I actually have around me, and you are well aware how hard I find it to make friends. He knows I'm a dick but he's still content to put up with me. I wasn't letting someone like that just go.
TG: so in a few days ur happy to cal him ur bff
TT: My friend? Certainly. I've been enjoying our conversations.
TG: wat does he luk like?
TT: Well I would assume you've seen him? But I suppose he looks like a cute sort of half-human-half-puppy. His eyes are stupidly emotive.
TG: an does he make u laff
TT: Yes? He has on occasion.
TG: an deos he get u smilin?
TG: NOT ur werid lil smirkyr thnigs
TT: Maybe.
TG: o dear distri
TG: u hav it
TG: BAD
TT: You've lost me.
TG: nvm
TG: jus the drunk talkin
TG: *drink
TG: no wate the firs one is godood too
TT: ...Alright.
TT: I assume your date went well.
TT: As did your 'coffee'.
TG: dad cuked me lyk a propre family diner it was amazin
TG: and he is a gentlemen both in and out of th bdrooms
TT: "Dad."
TT: What.
TG: o his name is sum asian thing i cant say proprerlly w/ a slur so he said call him dad evryon else does
TG: or just mr egbert but that sounded to formal
TG: hes cute lyk taht
TT: I cannot even begin to explain how wrong that whole situation is, and you wouldn't listen, so I won't try.
TG: hes half coreen half merican so hes like a werd mix of both
TG: its so cool
TT: "Coreen"?
TG: Cory ann
TT: Holy shit, are you trying to say Korean? How can you not spell that? How can you not even phonetically say that?
TT: I bet you've even been calling it "Coreen" out loud.
TG: bby shut up mamma is drinkin
TG: got to go i think dad wants to go out agen :3
TT: Wait.
TT: I need another favour.
TG: le sihghs
TT: Take John.
TT: Please?
TG: that boi will b the deth of u dirk
TG: but w/ever
TG: i owe u way to much to say no
TT: You're a saint, Rox.
TG: i no

-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 09:52am --

Just after lunch he decided to actually head downstairs. Dave was home because the school was shut for some teacher-parent conference thing he had probably been invited to but couldn't care less about, and sure enough the moment he was down in the crawlspace (because like hell was he actually going to walk down like a normal person) he could hear the tenor ramble from the kid's bedroom.

For once, curiosity got the better of him, so he ducked under the vent and carefully eased his way across to above Dave's desk. He'd marked important locations like that with chalk on the floor in the hopes someday he could dramatically burst from the ceiling to begin some epic final strife between them. Someday, that dream would come true. Cautiously, he slid down to almost lying flat, ear pressed to the floor and body tense and still.

"...nah I mean, I can come later, I guess? Bro still hasn't shown his face and I should probably ask him...What? No, I'll come whatever, but he'd expect me to show effort, probably make me strife to go out if he says no."

A soft noise filled the gaps, a voice through earphones, and Bro set his jaw. Oh good, Dave was going out again. Peace and quiet and spending the whole evening worrying about him in a totally non-parental way. God, Dave going out while he waited up made him feel old.

He was just about to go grab something to eat, losing all interest in Dave and his friends, when his brother spoke again.

"Yeah, I'll wait for you, don't worry, go do whatever. You too, Rez."

Oh, it was his girlfriend. Well that changed everything.

He carefully moved forward to the trapdoor behind Dave's chair that he had installed a while back, while Dave was off at some summer camp. With delicate, silent motions, he eased it open, the heavy hinges a slight pain but designed to ensure it shut with barely a soft puff of air when pulled down. Dave was focused on his computer, typing eagerly away into some chat window with lines of brown amongst the familiar red, and as Bro eased a little further around the hole he could see an open video chat currently showing an empty chair, and a room with...huh. Dragon plushes in nooses hung from the ceiling? Well he was so glad Dave had found a totally normal not at all creepy girl to date!

He shifted to straddle the hole, taking hold of the hatch to pull it shut behind him, ending up leaning over and staring down at Dave as his head bobbed to music loud enough Bro could hear the tinny trill escaping the earphones. He just made out the girl reappearing on screen and Dave grinning at her (fool, dropping his pokerface on the drop of a penny) before she clearly turned to fumbling with her earphones and Dave ducked to grab his apple juice. Perfect.

Bro pulled in and jumped down, trusting the music to mask his impact, then straightened smoothly as he heard the trapdoor shut softly and glanced up to feel quite smug at how hard the edges were to make out. His entrance dealt with, he leant just over Dave's shoulder as the kid straightened and jumped a mile at the reflection of his face, spilling apple juice down his shirt as he choked on the mouthful he'd been swigging.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD BRO!"

The girl bounced up instantly, a little short thing with a bob of red hair that flicked up at the edges and bright red glasses on, her mouth open in an O of surprise. Then she gave a blinding, practically fanged grin and waved emphatically.

"Rez don't encourage him!" Dave spluttered indignantly, swivelling to glare at Bro and gesturing wildly around the room. "I locked the door! I even locked the fucking windows! How? How?"

"Wouldn't you like to know." Of course Dave would, he had always wanted to pull off the same ninja shit Bro was known for. "This your girlfriend?"

"She was just going!"

"No I wasn't." Her lips mouthed in confusion on screen, hands fixing on her hips.

"She totally has important things to do."

"No, I don't."

"So no time to talk to you."

Behind him, she shook her head, then a text window appeared beside the video feed as she started to type, Bro glad Dave was too focused on glaring to actually pay attention to the reflection in his glasses.

GC: H1 M1ST3R D4V3S BRO
GC: MY N4M3 1S T3R3Z1 NOT WH4T3V3R S4L4C1OUS TH1NGS D4V3 1NS1STS ON C4LL1NG M3
GC: 4ND NOW H3 H4S TR13D TO STOP M3 T4LK1NG TO YOU 1 C4N ONLY TH1NK TO 1NV3ST1G4T3 WHY

Well except for the leet speak she seemed pretty-

-insane. Pretty insane.

Dave finally thought to look around and instantly gave a little squeak and closed the window.

"Rez! Stop! Look I'll be out later, okay, I'll ring when I'm on my way!"

"The truth will be found, Strider, by any means necessary!" She declared loud enough Bro could hear it, and Dave shook his head. "I look forward to interrogating you...personally." As emphasis she wiggled her eyebrows and cackled, then abruptly leant forward and slurped her tongue up the camera before hanging up, giving Bro a delightful view of her silver stud. He let the uncomfortable silence radiating from Dave hang for a moment.

"Well she seems nice."

"Oh my God, Bro."

"You have such great taste in women."

"Bro."

"I mean, I taste of lemon. I see. So obvious in hindsight."

"Bro, no."

"And she has such a polite tone, and such a sweet farewell."

"Bro, stop." Dave's hands covered his face, but Bro could see his ears were just as red as his cheeks would be. Ah, young love. Young, easy to humiliate and torment love.

"So when are you actually bringing her back here?"

"Never, fuck, have you seen this place? You casually leave sex toys about like it ain't nothing major. She is never getting in here, nope, so don't even think about it."

"Well then when are you taking me to meet her?"

Dave made a sound a little like a kitten being stepped on. Once again, he had apparently forgotten Bro could actually leave the apartment.

"I'll tell you what, you're free to go today, but next time I'm going to just casually come along with."

"Oh my God, my friends can't meet you!"

"Pretty sure they can." He felt Dave stare at him in horror as he sauntered to the door and unlocked it, pausing before he left to add, "And I'd love to see you try and stop me, lil man."

He stopped outside the door once he'd shut it, holding his breath - then Dave gave a loud, worried squeak and Bro laughed, relaxing. Dave had started to ramble in a panic, including a more frantic outburst about oh holy fuck what if he takes Cal oh shit, but not once did he mention stopping him. Not once did he consider avoiding it. Dave had accepted Bro was going to meet these mysterious friends, and Bro hadn't even needed to push it. His work here was most certainly done.

Chapter Text

When he was bored, he came up with little games.

It was a coping mechanism, Rose said, to cope with his tight confines. John considered it to be more he was just trying to have fun and playing the same thing over and over again got really boring after a while! He used to prank his Dad all the time, but as he grew up Dad stopped holding back and John's pranks worked less and less, and he couldn't even remember the last time their gambit had swung in his direction. He could, however, remember the last time he had taken a cake to the face. And the time before that. And essentially despite what he told his friends, while he was a great prankster, he was not not the pranking master. He could but hope to someday claim that title, and no doubt when he did there would be a LOUD PROUD NOTE awaiting him.

The point he was losing quickly was that Rose read way too much into anything and his confines were totally fine! He just liked making up things to do. That was all.

Today's game was balancing a pencil on his top lip as long as he could, trying to ignore the giggling and smoochy voices he could hear through the walls. Bluh. Icky parent dating. He was so glad Mom was going home in a week given apparently she had totally moved in from her hotel! John had not been consulted on this matter. He felt he rather should have been given a man's home is his castle and the last thing an aspiring lord wants is to wake up and find his smitten guards have let some beautiful fiend into the walls!

He twitched his lip and the pencil wavered, so he tipped his head back a little to keep it steady. Excellent, he had totally smashed his previous record from five minutes ago! This game was great.

Who was he kidding this sucked.

John groaned and let it drop onto his desk, head following a moment later. His piano was in the same room as the Mom and Dad makeouts were. All his friends were offline except Bro and Dave and they both weren't answering messages. He'd run out of games to play and animations to watch and there were no more decent Ghostbusters fanfics that had updated since he last read them. There was actually nothing to do at all in the whole world he hadn't already done, he was certain of it!

A few moments of contemplating his ongoing dull existence and a thought occurred to him, a flash of conversation. He equipped his hammer and regarding it critically, wondering how much good it would actually do on anything other than puddings.

Bro was right, he totally couldn't defend himself in a fight! His hammer sucked. It was nothing like the big warhammers of the Hammerkind masters. He literally had a tiny weapon he'd stolen from Dad's toolbox. Still, it had to be good for something!

He set about google with a determined expression.

> hammerkind training help |

An hour later he had made a dummy out of his pillows and covers and his Dad's broom, quickly pilfered from behind the unsuspecting yet disgusting pair taking up the whole living room with horrible sloppy makeouts. He watched a few Hammerkind videos repeatedly and then set about trying the moves himself, groaning when he only succeeded in nearly knocking himself out while attacking an unmoving target.

Maybe he needed to try a different approach.

> hammerkind for beginners |

Okay, that was more like it. John focused, and started again.

Midday he drifted downstairs to get a drink, shirt abandoned on his bed and hammer still distractedly twirling through his fingers. Strifing was hard. How could the Striders possibly think this was fun? He was only just practising on his dummy (now affectionately dubbed Troy) and he was already worn out and just wanted to collapse in bed! He couldn't imagine doing this with someone who could actually fight back! Bro was right, fighting against cakes was nothing.

Mom was in the kitchen filling her cocktail glass from a canteen she then proceeded to stow straight down her cleavage. Well there was an answer John hadn't really wanted to know! He cleared his throat in a strained choke as heat flashed across his face, and Mom looked up and smiled broadly before withdrawing her hand.

"Oh hey Johnny! Dad's shaving or somethin'. He is a master shaver. Let me tell you, that man is amazing with a razor, I mean he literally does everywhe-"

"Oh good there is my drink I can just go now!"

John snatched up a bottle of he didn't even know what from the side and absconded without another word. He was just at his room and shutting the door in triumph when he heard her call up after him.

"Okay, that's cool baby but that's my gin you just took so maybe next time actually check the bottle k? Mumma's gonna just sit down here until she gets it back."

Oh god dammit.

He didn't have a wall in front of him so he leant forward and then thudded back onto the door, sighing exasperatedly. So he had thought he wanted company in the house. Turned out he was wrong! He wanted more space, not to suddenly have to share his current space with a woman who had no tact and just kept on finding new ways to embarrass him. And it had been about a day! John was practically bordering on just living in his room until she left already, with the too much information sharing, the Dad-Mom vomit enducing schnookums nonsense, and the constant twang of alcohol now pervading the whole house. And the noises. Oh God, the noises! Bluuuuuuuh!

But...Bro had said she was cool, right? John had promised to give her a chance.

He grimaced and huffed back downstairs.

"Good boy." She grinned at him as he handed it to her, face red and eyes averted. "Sit down, cutie, me and you need to have a lil talk."

No. Nope. Not happening.

"No-"

"John sit dat ass down or I'll harpoon it to the chair."

He sat. Harpoon? That was kind of a weird threat but she had sounded really threatening in a sugary sweet way? Like that thing from the Dark Crystal movie Dave made him watch. All cute and fuzzy and then oh God so many teeth! That was probably a good comparison to her. Any minute her woozy drunken exterior would give way to some terrifying inner monster. Maybe that was what his poor ears had been subjected to last night.

"Johnny boy, I know you probs think I'm messing up your stuff, swanning in here all wonderful and taking up Dad's sweet time, but that isn't how it is at all. We can totes get along, I know we can! Hey if you can get along with Rosey you can get along with anyone amiright?"

Her voice was deadly serious except for the slur, and he nodded, puzzled by this outburst of down to earth conversation.

"I made a promise to Distri...no, wait, Dirk...no, no, oh my God, Bro! To Bro! I promised something to Bro but your Dad won't let me do it now 'cause he's a meanie and I'm sorry 'bout that but we made a compromise and I want to know you're totes down with it before I run it past Di--Bro."

"Um...okay?"

"Okay!" Mom beamed at him, briefly pinching one of his cheeks and dislodging his glasses awkwardly as she wiggled his face. "Ohmigod you're adorable." Ow, fuck, his face! "He's right! Totally half puppy."

Her talons released him and he took a breath to complain.

"...a buff half puppy, though. Lookin' good for your age!"

His mouth snapped shut as he went crimson. This...this woman. What on earth did Dad see in her?

"I mean, I ain't hittin' on you, Dad is way enough Egbert for me an' Dirk would be upset, but yeah. You'll grow up just like your Dad! Sexy and dapper as fuck."

"What are we even meant to be talking about?" He waved his hands at her, trying to drag her back to whatever topic didn't involve his Dad's weird girlfriend talking about hitting on him.

"Oh! Dad says you can come spend Christmas with me and Rosey and I was gonna invite the most ironic family in America too, and some of my BFFs. That's all. Can we get back to the way way way more important topic of how hot a BF I have?"

Holy shit.

"John? I'll take that silence as a yes, mister, I'm warnin' you now!"

Holy shit.

"Okay, well for one thing if his, uh, strifekind runs in the family you are gonna make some girl really happy someday!"

"Holy shit."

"Oh hey you can still talk! An' holy shit indeed, I mean wow."

"I get to leave the house?"

"No I was just gonna relocate my mansion to here, duuuuh John! Lil slow there, cutie."

"I get to meet Rose? And Dave? And Bro?"

"If the douchebags agree to come, I mean Dirk can be weird about this stuff, he ain't fond of houses he can't ninja it up in."

John squeaked, and Mom stared at him, and then laughed a loud, dirty cackle.

"Ohmigod that is the most amazing sound do it again!"

He would have done, but he was too busy bouncing in place, lost in a bubble of excitement and awe and deciding this woman was the greatest thing to ever happen in the world.

Christmas was going to be the best day ever, of all time! He just had two months to wait, that was all.

"This is awesome!" He exclaimed eventually, and she gave a sly smile, raising her glass to him and taking a dainty sip.

"I think you'll find when it comes to being awesome, Mumma is simply the best that there is."

Chapter Text

TG: an that is y xmas at casasa de lalone will b awsum
TG: any questinons?
TT: A few, yes.
TT: Reasons three, ten, eleven, seventeen, twenty four and twenty five were all, "Ther will b booz".
TG: ofc
TG: most important reson of all drik u silly billy
TT: And reason eight was "u can get ur mak on *wink wink* ;3"
TG: janey is bringin her hot cuz come ooooon
TT: I've told you before I'm not interested, Roxy.
TG: w/ever
TG: jus tryin to help u avoid doin sumthin stpupid
TT: Like what, exactly?
TG: nvm
TT: Reason thirteen was "I can show off my hot bf u dont even no this man is smokin distri mumma got herself a keeper"
TG: i fale to see the prob
TG: dat reson is watertite
TT: And reason twenty six, and I am more curious about the addition here, was simply, "jonny boi *wink wink* u no wat im sayin"
TG: ignore tht one it was teh drink
TT: Taking those out and ignoring your nonsense answers, you essentially actually said:
TT: 1. I will get out of the house.
TT: 2. I will see you, Rose and John.
TT: 3. I will get real food.
TT: Twenty six points, and really there were only three.
TG: w/ever r u draggin urself to mine fr it or wat?
TT: Of course we're coming. I don't know why you bothered asking.
TG: GRATE
TG: gotta go talk to janey an her hot cuz w/ the bote
TG: gettin the hole gang togetehr dirk
TG: this will b the best evr o mi god
TT: I won't take up anymore of your precious time, then. I have actual work to do, I suppose.
TG: k u have fun bby
TG: o an rite bfore i forget
TG: ur in so much truble
TG: hes kinda hot
TT: What?
TG: gtg sry

-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 15:34pm --

TT: I don't know why I bother trying to understand you sometimes, RoLal. I really don't.

TG: luk he just sed he was sneding his dog w/ sum stuff fr me but he only knows ur address
TG: hes lyk in the midel of the pascific but thats wat he sed so w/ever!
TG: look out fr sum really wet n worn out dog i gess?

The dog in his living room was neither worn out nor wet, nor had it actually been allowed in. He turned to get some food out of a cupboard for two seconds and with a flash and a crackle from over his shoulder there was abruptly a large white dog with a big, brown-wrapped parcel beside it, fur around its face so shaggy he couldn't even see its eyes. It was just there. In his home. With weird green flashy powers or shit.

Bro subconsciously groped for his sword and it flicked an ear, cocking its head at him sardonically as he felt his side buzz where the scabbard was hung and then his sword dropped from midair onto his futon.

"I don't think I like you." He observed warily. The dog rolled its head, then visibly raised and lowered its shoulders. Had it...shrugged at him? He was being shrugged at by a dog with magical green teleporting powers. He was speaking to a dog and it was replying. Wow. He...really needed a drink.

"Don't suppose you can magic me up some whiskey, you little demon doggy you?"

It clearly considered, ears twitching and head gazing off to one side. Then he got one yap before a bottle actually dropped in front of him and he automatically swiped it out of the air. Maybe this dog wasn't so...no, no, wait.

"Sunny Delight. That isn't quite what I asked for, you little shit." The white tail swept across his floor as it panted smugly. "Screw you. I will drink this and enjoy it."

Of course the bottle vanished just as he went to take a pointed swig.

"So this is how it's going to be, huh?"

The thing fucking smiled before it disappeared.

"Yeah well I'll see you at Christmas! We'll see if you're so great then, fucking dog-douche!"

The Sunny Delight reappeared upside down above him and promptly showered him in sticky orange sugar water. Little asshole. Bro pointedly slurped it off his fingers and wrung out his shirt into his mouth as he stalked to the bathroom, not even pausing when Dave walked out of his room and instantly pulled a face.

"Bro, why're you-?"

"Fucking dog poured it over me before it teleported back to some godforsaken place in the Pacific, I don't even care."

He didn't have to look around to know the look Dave was giving him as he absconded for a legendary infinite shower, slamming the door in his wake.

At two in the morning he abruptly sat up, blinking in the dark as his mind finally actually caught up with his day.

"Holy fucking shit. That dog can fucking teleport!"

Chapter Text

Mom went home a week later after a much fonder farewell than John had expected to give her, standing in the yard as some poor driver loaded a taxi with a stupidly large amount of bags John hadn't even seen once around the house.

He'd been in his room for most of it but he guessed, just maybe, that she was sort of a little bit okay.

He told her so. She slurred proudly about finding her inside voice, whatever the heck that meant, and then staggered to Dad to proceed to share the most embarrassing sloppy make-outs in the history of mankind. John crept back inside the house before someone saw them and he died on the spot of humiliation, but Mom still called one last goodbye through the door before she went, her voice fading out of hearing as she argued with the taxi guy that she would totes be a better driver.

Dad followed him in once the car was gone, locking up and casually adjusting his loosened tie. He walked to where John was busy reclaiming the couch (no more icky parents, nope, not on his sofa) and gave his boy a once over.

"You and Miss Lalonde got along very well. She said she can't wait until we visit." Dad gave a small smile, leaving creases around his eyes and the corners of his mouth. "I'm proud of you, son."

For the first time in a long time, John felt like maybe he actually meant it.

A day later he got a crisp purple request that he take back the madwoman post haste.

John responded by laughing loudly at his screen.

He had started recording piano for Bro again. His songs had never sounded so cheerful.

Dave was around a lot more, John had noticed quickly, and when he pushed it Dave resisted for about two seconds and then spilt everything in red.

TG: so i was talking to rez and then bro was all
TG: nope
TG: no privacy for you
TG: ill just ninja in through your locked door like that aint a thing
TG: scare the shit outta you
TG: be all sup daves sweet gf
TG: you crazy bitch
TG: and then invite myself out on your next meetup
TG: so until further notice all meetups are cancelled
EB: dude, come on, he isn't that bad!
TG: yeah well you would think that
TG: but
TG: your mancrush on bro aside
TG: he could bring cal john
TG: he could bring cal
EB: he wouldn't do that to you!
TG: no he really would
TG: he loves messing with my shit
TG: this situation is a goldmine to him and the tears of my friends are his treasure
TG: that puppet is simply the dynamite to break through the rocks of friendship so he can claim the terrified reward beyond
TG: basically he would bring cal and bam all my friends are too emotionally scarred to ever talk to me again
TG: once more the puppet ruins everything
EB: once more?
TG: that fucker is a menace egbert
TG: protip
TG: dont trust the motherfucking puppet
EB: uuuuuuuuh...
EB: i'll bear that in mind?
TG: plus theres always the slightly disturbing fact bro has probably made out with it
TG: with his dick
EB: wow i
EB: just
EB: what?
TG: i told you bro was weird john
TG: you should be glad you listened
TG: theres stuff about him that would break your tiny mind
EB: um like what, exactly?
TG: its all in the fucking puppets john
TG: its always the fucking puppets

He pried casually at every opportunity, but that was the closest he ever got to whatever the hell Dave was trying to tell him in his unique, rambling and dumb as fuck way.

Jade had been invited a few days after Mom got home, and her and John had then shared a conversation consisting of nothing but excited emoticons. Rose had written a lengthy congratulations on finally preparing to leave the nest even if he would return to it again, saying she was certain the holiday season would prove pivotal to his growth as a person. Bro casually avoided mentioning it apart from one muted comment about looking forward to it.

And then, Dave.

TG: egbert if you even look at bro too long i will come at you dude
TG: dont think i havent noticed you asking about him all the time
TG: and how you jump up like a meerkat whenever he walks by my door on webcam
TG: and how you keep on saying how great he is and shit
TG: see
TG: i know whats going on here
TG: and he is a terrible choice for a first one
TG: you have no idea
TG: i only hope you meet him
TG: realise hes a bag of dicks
TG: come to your senses
TG: and leave all of this behind you
TG: we are not going to have some terrible bfb shit going down
TG: get over this crush before i strife it out of you

Whoa whoa whoa!

EB: you think i have a crush on bro?????
TG: egbert its so obvious its like the wall of china
TG: they can see that shit from space
EB: no!!! oh my god that is so wrong its funny.
EB: i don't have a crush on bro, dave!
EB: i'm not even gay!
TG: of course youre not
TG: but you know
TG: here i was thinking it was just a river in egypt
EB: what?
TG: im gonna go talk to rose
TG: got some thoughts to share with our favourite shrink
TG: later egderp

Dave was just so stupid sometimes!

The snow came early. John built a Bro with his usual flock, taller and sort of shaped triangular down, desperately hoping it wouldn't just collapse. Luckily it held. He felt better when he sat with them and told them how excited he was to really meet them, and he even managed to make a crude mould and freeze Dave and Bro some ice shades.

They both approved of the pictures he sent them. John considered that a total success.

The day came.

John stood on the edge of his yard, watching his Dad load their cases into the taxi while the driver stood by, having been told no help was required. He was rocking on his feet right at the edge of the grass, mind abuzz with excitement. He was going to go on a plane, and to a mansion, and see all his friends and just-

"John?" Dad snapped him out of it, closing the boot with a sharp snap. "Come on, then, we mustn't be late."

There was an apprehensive expression on his face, and John looked away, fidgeting, toeing the boundary that had marked his entire existence. His house was empty behind him for the first time in years, the whole wide world was ahead, and he felt...

Small. And sort of scared.

Home was safe and warm and familiar. He didn't know what to expect out there, and it was only now hitting him and constricting a panicked noose around his throat. What if something terrible happened to him? What if he just couldn't cope? What if people knew he was different? What if his friends didn't like him, face to face?

Dad moved to him and put a big hand on his shoulder, squeezing it once like he always had when he knelt and wiped John's tears away after nightmares, or after arguments when John kept trying to apologise. John gave a nervous smile back, thankful for the small gesture.

"You know it's alright to be afraid." Deeper blue searched sky, and the hand tightened again. "I'm sorry, if I kept you too close, too long. I just never wanted you hurt. Miss Lalonde is right; you deserve room to grow and while I know these next few weeks won't be enough to repay you for all the years I have perhaps been overzealous in my pursuit of parental protection, I hope it will be a start. Just know wherever you go in life you will always be welcome to come home, John. I love you, and I mean it every day when I tell you how proud of you I am."

It was the first time he'd ever actually spoken to John out loud, about some coming of age step forward. His voice was much quieter and earnest than large black capitals had ever been. The typical eye roll at such statements was replaced by a stinging in his eyes and nose and John's lip wobbled, his father's warm gaze unwavering and true.

It didn't matter he was coming back here, in a few weeks. He felt like this was a huge moment for him. Maybe for once Rose had been right

John stepped forward to hug him, tight, and mumble something suspiciously like I love you too. His father chuckled in response, patted his back, and when John let go he was out on the sidewalk, out in the real world, heart thundering with every step he took further from his castle, and further towards whatever awaited him beyond.

Chapter Text

"DISTRI! Wait, no, Bro, I know I pinky promised, you're Bro all the holidays and ohmigod you came this is the bestest crimbo ever okay? ROSEY COME SEE BRO AND DAVE! No no leave the bags I'll gettem, no promisin' they'll end up in the right room though! ROSEY HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO oh there you are, sweetie."

Bro liked Rose. He had done since he first read one of her essays on Dave over his shoulder, all truthful and clinical but still snarky and subtle and snide. She wrote with eloquence and elegance and her view of life as one long passive aggressive strife against the world was certainly inherited from her mother, though rather than take it on through alcohol and optimism she instead chose to attack with sharp mind and words bared. They had spoken once or twice on Pesterchum, and with reluctance she was the one friend Dave didn't avoid Bro strolling in to talk to. Mostly because any time he did she brought up his repressed issues and lectured him until he caved and stormed out to get Bro for her.

Bro was usually sitting at his desk when he got back from looking for him. Rose knew about the trapdoors, of course. She had, after all, advised him on how Dave sat and where best to position the one in his room so it was invisible to the camera.

Presently she had appeared beside Roxy in her usual dark attire, giving a dramatic curtesy and then clasping her hands over her stomach with a small, coy smile.

"David, Bro. How pleasant to see faces that do not belong to a thoughtless drunk."

"'Sup." Dave greeted dismissively, bouncing on the balls of his feet with barely contained excitement he wasn't hiding at all. Bro gave her a smirk and a curt nod, and her eyes sparkled mischievously.

"I trust your trip went well?"

"Mostly, but I got a fucking field day for you, Lalonde. Davey's scared of flying. Go to it."

She had a notebook in her hand and a pen poised instantly, attention intently focused on Dave, who groaned and punched Bro's arm. Bro responded by picking him up and tossing him over one shoulder, ignoring him struggling as he strode after a beckoning Rose.

"If you would be so kind as to leave the patient there," Her pen sharply gestured to a ridiculous therapy couch he had no doubt Roxy had bought her during some snide exchange of gifts. "I will see what I can do."

Dave was unceremoniously deposited just as she had asked, complaining after him as he strode back to Roxy, who giggled into her glass.

"You make me feel like a good parent y'know, baby." She jabbed him in the chest with a pointed pink nail. "Thanks for that. You gonna stick around an' actually say hello to people before you go off and turn my home into a deathtrap?"

"Come on, I wasn't gonna do that." Bro chuckled as she narrowed her eyes and put her hand on her hip as it jutted out to one side. "Alright, fine, I was only gonna do Dave's room. Maybe yours. No harm in some good old fashioned fun."

"Not everyone's idea of fun is havin' a metric ton of sex puppets dumped on their head y'know."

"Oh, I assure you, I find it hilarious."

Roxy grinned at him, cackling before she clapped him on the back. "Dave's room's second floor, third on your left. Knock yourself out but I totes had no part in it when he gets mad. You two can go duke it out on the observatory or whatevs."

"As always, you are an angel, Rolal."

"Oh you." He kissed the back of her hand and she laughed, smacking him away. "Stop it before someone thinks you're straight."

"At least if they did the inevitable hookup you're attempting to set up for me would fail."

"Oh, I don't think so. I have a plan, Dirk. You are gonna get some sugar this holiday like it or not, but I'm gonna go ahead and guess it'll be right to your tastes even if I found it maybe a lil...unsuitable to mine. But I will help my BFF whatev I have to do, so I guess you'll just have to strike off a few a those favours, k?"

"We'll wait and see what the hell you're talking about first."

"Oh yes we will! Except I won't. 'Cause I already know. Lol."

Roxy chattered away about her cats and Rose and how great Christmas was going to be after providing him with a large glass of whiskey (she was trying to get him drunk, why was she trying to get him drunk) and listening to all three words he had to say himself (no complaints here) as in the background Dave argued in a higher and higher pitched tone he wasn't scared of heights and Rose calmly advised the first step to dealing with your fears is admitting them.

Just after Bro had dodged the first empty bottle Dave inevitably lobbed at his head (Roxy left the things everywhere) the doorbell rang and the lady of the house sprung up with a squeal and skipped over, stumbling out of time as she reached her destination and eagerly threw open the doors.

"Hello! Are you Rose's mum?" Girl, teenager, bubbly and excited and Australian, possibly. Certainly Pacific.

"I birthed the witch. Izzit Jade? Island girl."

"Yes! Hello! I hope I'm not too early, Bec does whatever he wants sometimes!" He could hear the multiple exclamation points, knew they were there and that annoyed him. He was picturing some little bouncy blonde girl all in pink and flowers, a cheerleader sort, with the giggle she had just loudly given. It ended with a snort, oh God, how was this a friend of Dave? This was the sort of girl Dave complained about all the time.

Then she strode in and he quietly dispersed those thoughts because what he got was a girl with russet skin and black hair curling all around her shoulders, her head almost at his height and her expected pretty shirt and skirt over huge hiking boots that thudded on the floor. She was huge in a good way, looked like she'd have a solid chance against him in a fistfight, even ignoring the rifle slung across her back. Given her taped up, big round glasses, she had possibly been in a few fights before.

"Rose! Wow, you're so pretty! And Dave! What's up, coolkid?"

"Holy shit, Harley?"

"No, fuckass, I'm John! Of course it's me!" She gave another high pitched laugh, shoulders shaking, before striding over with big purposeful steps and crushing Dave in a hug, his arms flailing behind her back as he wheezed. "Wow! You're so small! I always thought you'd be taller."

"I always thought you'd be more girl and less..." He waved at her as she let go, and she folded her arms at him. "Uh. I mean. You're just not what I expected!"

"Uh, I live on a tropical island alone fending for myself except for Bec. How was I not going to be like this?"

"I...thought you were, like...exaggerating?"

She punched his arm and Dave yelped, rubbing it rapidly as Bro snorted into his whiskey. That would be his brother being beaten up by a girl right there. Oh, he was never letting that one go.

"Well I wasn't! So there!" Harley mussed up his hair before she turned to Rose, who chuckled. "Rose! Please be more intelligent than Dave?"

"Hello, Jade. It is lovely to meet you and I am pretty sure I can manage that request. Please, do take a seat. I think thanks to that little exchange I have some fascinating new things to discuss with our dear Strider."

Bro took it back. She was just the sort of girl he wanted as a friend of Dave.

"Distri! Oops, totes meant Bro, my bad. Janey's here!"

And there was his time relaxing ended. He sighed and swaggered over to stand beside where Roxy was waving excitedly at the car that had just pulled up, a familiar younger woman in a blue dress stumbling out with a hat and suitcase and waving to the older man driving before starting to excitedly scamper up the path towards them. She was shorter than he remembered. Or maybe he was taller? It had been a long time, whatever the case.

Jane had been Roxy's best friend when they were at college together, appearing in their shared home so often he had become convinced they were in a relationship until Jane explained frantically they were just pals. She was about a year younger than the two of them and acted a lot less than that, but she was endearing, in a sweet and innocent way. The idea that, from what Roxy had explained, she was practically running a major corporation now was a little jarring.

"Roxy! Dirk! Wow, look at you both!" Jane stopped in front of them, out of breath, resting a hand over her stomach. She was small and rounded but not too much. She looked exactly like the sort of person who made a living selling cakes. "It's been so long since we met up! How have you been?"

"Shoosh, Janey baby, Distri's name is off limits 'cause he's a weird man going through his midlife crisis-"

"Hey-!" He interrupted indignantly, but Roxy put a finger over his lips.

"-so he is now known as Bro, k? His name's all mystical and whatev. Say it three times and he jumps out of mirrors at you, and no one wants that."

"Oh! Alright!" Jane looked thoughtful, then grinned at him. "Something to hide, Strider?"

"If there were I'm sure you'd sleuth it out."

"I do still dabble in a bit of jolly good investigation when the mood takes me, let me warn you, chum!"

"Well could you investigate stepping the fuck inside? This place is fucking freezing."

Roxy elbowed him but Jane hooted a laugh and obliged, stepping inside and then becoming entangled in a drunken Roxy hug the moment the door was to. They both giggled and laughed and tittered away about whatever women talked about. Knowing Roxy, she was probably raving about Dad. Oh fuck, now he was calling him that! Shit, that had to stop.

The girls dragged themselves to a couch without actually quite letting go of one another, and he was fully prepared to mooch on after them before the bell rang and Roxy didn't even look at him, just waved a hand towards it as a silent command. He grumbled but slouched back to it and pulled it open, leaning on the door.

"Oh hell no. You can fuck the hell off, you asshole."

"What the devil dickens-?"

"Not you. The fucking devilbeast." He jabbed at the dog, the stupid white dog, which panted smugly back, looking all innocent as a puppy. "Shoo, fucker. We don't want your kind."

"...oh! Bec? Wait. What the blazes did Bec do?"

"It knows what it did. Shoo. Shoo!"

The dog vanished and Bro felt triumphant, taking a swig of whiskey as he looked over at the actual guest. He stopped. His face twisted.

"Motherfucker." He muttered, looking down into the bright orange now filling his glass and smelling faintly of sugar and E-numbers.

"Well. That's your spat with my good mutt sorted I hope? Rightyo! Would I be in the presence of the famed Strider fellow Roxy is forever telling me about? I think we've spoken once or twice, traded parcels for delivery on her behalf?"

"You would be, and we have." Bro finally looked him over. A little shorter than him, quite wide and tough looking, tanned and stubbled and with a big toothy grin to rival John's. He was in a fairly relaxed jacket and jeans, though both looked a little rough around the edges, and when Bro inhaled he could still smell sea salt. "Jane's cousin, right? With the yacht."

"Jake! Jake English." He offered a calloused hand, which Bro examined for a minute before taking. The man was clearly no stranger to hard work, nor to an old fashioned gun from the gunpowder stains and burns on his fingertips and sleeves.

"Call me Bro." He took it and felt English squeeze just a little too tight. Typical alpha male power play. Predictable. A true alpha male went for more subtle attacks. "You got your guns on you?"

"Oh!" There was flicker of surprise and suspicion, clearly quickly buried under some mental excuse as to how he had that information, like the marks on his fingers weren't a metaphorical neon sign. "Of course! Never leave home without some damn fine firepower." English flicked out his forefingers and winked, and Bro tossed him between idiot and dork and couldn't decide quite what to label him. "You a marksman yourself?"

"Always preferred swords."

"Ah, the noblest art. Can't fault you for that. To be honest I always was more a man for rough and tumble myself. Nothing beats a good set of knuckles!"

"Jakey, you're lettin' all the cold in!" Roxy shouted out at them, and without another word he was bundling past Bro, slinging his large rucksack over his shoulder.

"My dearest apologies, Lalonde! Ah, Jane! How simply super to see you again!"

"You were gonna set me up with that?" Bro mouthed at Roxy when he shut the door, eyebrow raised in judgement. She rolled her eyes and waited until English was bent over the couch to hug Jane before she swept a hand over the back to gesture at his ass and wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

Those were tight jeans.

That was a fine ass.

Bro raised his glass and submitted the point.

He watched the ass as they talked and laughed, and as ever he hung back, placing English in the dork category after a while because he sort of reminded him of John.

No sooner had he thought it than there was a knock at the door, probably from an arm too low to reach Roxy's stupid high doorbell. Logic dictated who was the last guest who would be that short. Bro glanced at Dave, still occupied with defending himself in psychological strife, then left his glass on the side and slipped out of the door.

John looked up at him, giving the broadest, excited smile, like a four year old on Christmas morning who'd just been given the world's most adorable puppy, and Bro just took in his face, and his father pulling suitcases out of a car at the other end of the drive, and for once he let all his typical intricate analysis wait. Some things were more important than having an advantage.

He had barely started to stoop before John sprung and hugged him tightly, deceptively strong arms looped around his neck, dragging him down over the boy's shoulder so his own larger arms awkwardly fitted around his back. There wasn't as much puppy fat as he'd expected, a lot more muscle that could be built upon, a lot more broad stocky strength in his short form. John held him, squeezed him close, for an eternity, but the moment he let go and Bro straightened it felt like maybe it hadn't been quite long enough.

"Um. Hi, Bro!"

His voice was a mid tenor but for a squeak at the end, apparently having been struck by puberty since they spoke face to face. "You're really tall."

"Maybe you're just really short." He replied with a shrug, ruffling his soft messy bed-head hair. "Come on, everyone else is here. Tell Dave I was helping your Dad with his bags or whatever if he asks why I came out."

"But...wow. You came out just to see me." John sounded awed, like that wasn't obvious, then grinned. "He'd flip off the handle, he told me I had to like, avoid you because he's a stupid douche who thinks stupid things. That's like a challenge! A dare! He should know me better than that."

"I woulda told you I'd taken up baking."

"Bluh! See that would work!" John laughed, then paused and shuffled his feet, before quickly lunging forward, hugging Bro's waist and mumbling something like a thank you, darting past to the door a second later.

"Whoa, kid," Bro just caught his shoulder and made him look back, "what was that for?"

"...I dunno. For being you, I guess." John told him with a half-smile, and left a weird fuzzy warmth in Bro's stomach as he giggled nervously and vanished inside.

Chapter Text

"Hi!"

It was meant to come out sort of calmly but what escaped was practically a squeal, and it seized the attention of everyone in the room. The first thing he noticed was Mom with some other grown ups, lounged on a large couch. As soon as he smiled nervously at her she was giving him a tipsy grin and staggering to her feet, waving a hand dismissively at her two guests.

"Janey, Jakey, if you will excuse the queen of the house. I hafta go find my sugar daddy. You be good, cutie." She added as she swanned past him, reeking of drink and strong perfume, the scent comforting in its familiarity. His house still sort of had the scent about it.

"JOHN!"

Before he could pull his attention back from her he was seized and dragged into the air by strong arms he momentarily thought were Dave's before he realised he didn't know the excited voice that had shouted and it belonged to a girl which meant his assumption was probably quite an insult to Dave, considering. He was crushed to a shoulder and over it he could see the man himself, immaculate, poker faced, one elbow leaning on Rose's shoulder where her own familiar face was smiling up at him.

"Good evening, John. It is so lovely to see you in person."

"Hi-" He wheezed. "-Rose. 'Sup Dave."

"Harley," Dave said slowly, making his happy face (corners of his mouth twitching up and his eyebrows just above the curve of his shades with a little pink in his cheeks), "Put the poor kid down, you're like an excited puppy on steroids, come on, stop."

"But Joooooohn! He's so small! So cute!" With that she had flung him back, holding him out with hands under his arms, and he got a good look at the beaming face of the girl he assumed was Jade. "Hi John!"

"Jade! You're...really big."

"Oh my gosh, why did everyone think I'm tiny?" She complained back, rolling her eyes and dropping him back to the floor. John managed to catch his balance, standing and brushing himself down. "I'll have you all know Grandpa said we Harleys are of sturdy stock!"

"Big isn't bad!" John explained quickly, desperate not to upset anyone, fingers fidgeting behind his back as he swung his arms back. "I'd just never really thought about what you look like, that's all!"

"Unlike dear Strider, who had assumed all women were petite little damsels, then?" Rose chimed in cheerfully. Dave spluttered.

"That isn't what I said! I just said I was shocked a chick could have a figure like that! That's a totally different thing!"

"Of course it is, Dave. Of course it is."

He grumbled about not being able to hit girls, glaring at Rose behind his shades, and John laughed.

"Oh wow." He said without thinking. "You guys are real."

"Duh! What were you expecting? Fancy computer programs?" Jade snorted, slinging an arm around his shoulder. "Of course we're real, John, and trust me," Her voice dropped conspiritorially, "Dave is just as annoying in real life."

John laughed again, and Jade swatted off Dave's weak attempts to hit her shoulder (you're not a girl you're a menace and you already beat me up so fair's fair Harley - wait, no, don't hit me back!). Rose chuckled softly as she followed them back to couch, and John swore she was making little notes all the way.

"Rose, what the fuck, that is not a fucking word!"

"Jade, would you please pass me that dictionary so I can prove to Dave that my strategy, unlike his, is to actually play things that exist? Thank you. Oh look, Dave, here is my nonsense word! Exequial. It means funereal. I am shocked someone with your obsession with death would not know that! I believe with both triple words and a double letter that is precisely three hundred and fifty six points to myself. Your turn, Strider."

"Fuck you." He muttered, playing a sheepish sword. "Not all of us are walking dictionaries. Some of us use real words like real people."

"Dave a minute ago you were trying to play 'hass'." John pointed out, gesturing at the now correct three letter word.

"Yeah well Jade said her Grandpa was called that so it totally shoulda counted!"

"Tut tut, no pronouns, Strider." Rose corrected with a sly smile. Dave groaned.

"I can't believe I'm playing fucking Scrabble. I can't believe you're this fucking rich and you don't have a single fucking computer game or console in the whole fucking mansion! I'm gonna die of boredom, guys, I can feel it already. My heart just can't be bothered to go on. Tell Bro it's time to get all exequial up in this place, because Dave Strider is done. Scrabble and dorks killed him."

"Dave, you are the biggest dork, it is you." John told him as the blonde boy overdramatically swooned onto his lap. "Here, Jade, can you put my word on for me? I have a stupid fat lump of coolkid in my way."

"Who you calling fat, Egbert?"

"I called you stupid too."

"Pfff. You wish you were as cool as me, dunkass."

"What, you mean not cool at all?"

That started another elbow war, the girls sharing a long look that ended in matching rolls of their eyes, before John felt Dave shift and then he was pinned to the floor and Dave was attacking his ribs, leaving him howling.

"OH MY GOD STOP I'M TICKLISH YOU STUPID FUCK I GIVE I GIVE!"

"Of course you do. Striders never lose."

"'Cept to other Striders." Bro called over from where the adults were sharing a drink and playing a more grown up game of poker, not missing a beat, and Dave's smug smile dropped to a grumble.

"Shuddup, asshole! Nobody asked you!"

John giggled and Dave gave him a look, somewhere halfway between mock betrayal and actual suspicion. "You're meant to be on my side, John! Not some old fuck up's!"

"Well if I actually see any old fuck ups I'll bear that in mind."

Rose snorted. "John, Mother's right over there."

At some point Dave convinced them to liven things up and they ended up turning it into a sport to play the filthiest words they could, and Dave and John quickly learnt Jade was a force of filth to be reckoned with and Rose simply knew every polite way of being debaucherous in the book. To no one's surprise John dropped out fairly quickly with a few weak offerings and spent most of the next hour asking "...well what does that one mean?"

At least until Jade got too loud and Dad started to head over and everyone scrambled to pack up like they had been meaning to do that right then anyway! When he gave them an odd look and walked back over to the adults they all relaxed and laughed and ended up sprawled out on the carpet, staring up at the high vaulted ceiling, decorated with some grand fresco of wizards and cats and ponies John found mesmerising in its terrible kitschness.

"Mother all over." Rose had stated sourly, like that was an explanation in itself.

So they lay and gazed up at wizards like stars, and now and then Dave pointed out some new detail he'd noticed in awe, both of its beauty as one of the greatest pieces of ironic art he said he'd ever seen and just of the fact someone had paid money for that.

John spent most of the time quietly listening to them talk, and feeling Dave's warmth on one side and Jade's on the other. He was here, with them. He was miles from home. He was somewhere new and exciting and every breath felt fresher than any one he'd taken before, filling his lungs and his heart with every inhale. When Dave and Rose were called by Mom to help her get dinner laid out (you're the only two I wanna take advantage of, those two are just too cute, I mean lookit those toothy smiles) John felt a little let down, shuffling closer to Jade and hoping she didn't notice.

She rolled her head to face him, and he blushed, but she gave him a warm little smile.

"...it's great, isn't it? Other people." Her voice was a low, private confidance, her gaze nervously dropping. "I mean Bec's okay, but people. Wow. I hadn't realised how lonely I've been until I saw all of you! I'm so glad you guys are my friends, and I'm so glad we're all together. I wish it was like this all the time!"

The fact she lived all alone on some island somewhere suddenly actually sunk in, and a swell of empathy followed, and he had so much he wanted to say, all about how he felt and how she would understand and how he sort of never ever wanted to leave them all again.

"Yeah." Was all John actually managed back, but the brilliant smile she gave him as they were called to eat told him even that had been enough.

Chapter Text

So he'd found out Jane and Dad - he'd given up now, the name had stuck, no matter how fucking weird it was - worked together, Jake drank like a champ, and Roxy had decided to call them all her little family and get all emotional about all her friends being under one roof. Everyone was pretty tipsy, even if Dad's tipsy seemed to be getting even more polite and charming, and no matter how much whiskey he'd had Bro was the undisputed king of poker. The only difference was he was now the fuckin' king of poker with his accent flarin' like mad and he'd become convinced strip poker was a fuckin' great idea, the kids wouldn't give a shit. Jake was halfway through pulling his top off when Roxy snorted and announced it was time for dinner and called Dave and Rose over to help.

Despite losing his chance to see that fine ass naked, it had been a good night.

"You should get Davey a maid's outfit, it'd suit him." He announced to Roxy, gesturing with his latest drink (he hadn't lost count. Well...only a little) from where they were sat in the kitchen, watching Rose and Dave ferry dishes and food back and forth. "I'll rent him to you for minimum wage."

"Bro, baby, I think you're drunk."

"Roxy, baby, I think you're right."

They both burst out laughing like that was just the funniest thing and Dave stalked past with a stack of plates, muttering about stupid drunk brother gonna look like an idiot at the table. On his way back Bro stuck out his leg and Dave went flying, but Bro was proud when he pulled it in to a forward roll and a smooth return to standing, not pausing in his stride. Maybe the kid had learnt a thing or two after all.

"That's m'boy." He told Roxy with a lopsided grin. She snorted.

"Is it? I've never been sure, y'know. It'd explain a lot, but I know he ain't. You'd never get a girl knocked up. You'd never do a girl!"

"Yeah I meant like...spiritually. I'm the one who taught him that shit. Kinda proud he ain't wastin' it."

"It's so sweet when they grow up. Look at Rosey. She's a snarky bitchy little clever cow, just like me! I'm so proud." Roxy cackled. "Bless her."

Roxy sipped her drink as her laughter faded, giving him a long, sideways look he couldn't help but notice. She delicately stirred the clear fluid with her novelty pink cat on a stick, dropping her voice before she spoke again.

"Look at us, Dirk. We're gettin' old. Our kids will be all grown up soon an' leavin' the nest, and what have we got left then?"

"You've got your sugar daddy." He slurred, and Roxy smiled sadly, resting her chin on the dainty fingers of one hand.

"Yeah, Distri...but who's gonna be there for you, baby?"

Through the dark glass her neon pink held his slightly hurt amber, and then he jerked his head away, mumbling unintelligible curses as he downed the rest of the glass. He slammed it down on the side and stood as she sighed wearily and reached for his arm.

"No. No more of this shit." He stepped back, frowning at her, wiping his mouth on the back on his hand. "I don't need you tryin' to fix my love life, Rox, I can fuckin' deal with bein' alone, okay? It's been long enough, I'm fuckin' used to it by now!"

"You shouldn't have to be."

"Look, the right person ain't gonna magically fall outta the sky 'cause you snapped your fingers. If I meet him, I'll know. Me. Not you. Someday I'll find him, sure, an' when I do it'll all be stars and rainbows and fuckin' butterflies but right now, I'm fine, so just drop it. I'm not old. I'm not."

"But one day you're gonna be and you're gonna be alone if you don't actually do something! I mean...has it ever, like, occured to you that maybe you've already met him?"

"Yeah, and he's the dork with glasses in the other room! Get a grip, Rox."

She pursed her lips at that, sitting back, swirling her drink into a little angry cyclone.

"That. Is. IT! Dirk Strider, you are the most clueless stupid jerk I've ever met, y'know that? Somethin' great stares you right in the face no matter how fucked up other people would find it an' you just look straight through it like it isn't even there!" Roxy stood, slamming her glass down beside her, shoving a trembling finger in his face. "You've been pullin' this I'm fine alone shit for years and fuck no one believes it but you! Just for once would you listen to me and get off your sorry ass, put on your nicest dress and just go fucking flirt or something rather than waiting for a choir of smutty puppet angels to announce the time is nigh!"

"I'm not interested in-"

"I wasn't talking about him!"

He stared at her blankly, and she panted, then threw up her hands. "Nope! Nope. If you are gonna be this dumb, I am totes done with this. I have set wheels in motion and if you are goin' a be a big stupid douchebag rock in the road that's your fault. I'm out, Dirk. I'm so completely done."

"Roxy-"

She strode out, leaving her drink on the side, and he stared after her, barely noticing Rose tutting at him as she followed her mother, swiping up the glass and placing it on the tray she was taking out.

"May I suggest you join us at the table before dinner gets cold?" She suggested, and he sighed and headed out, starting to remember why he never, ever drank with his friends.

Dinner was happy, and cheerful, and even Roxy was joining in with it. Bro was trying to focus on his meal, some weird mix of Dad's cooking he'd apparently actually brought with him and some catering shit Roxy had ordered in. It was an odd thing to adjust to but it sort of all tasted good in the end. Bro could swallow it, at least. That was better than most shit he ate.

He found himself aimlessly shuffling his food around his plate after a while, back to his usual role as the insociable recluse. Should've know better than to relax. When he relaxed, he tended to fuck up in more emotive and painful ways. Tonight was no exception. He couldn't even remember the last time Roxy had really raised her voice to him, let alone-

Ow.

His head snapped up as his shin was kicked again under the table, and after a moment of glaring along the table behind his shades, he caught a flash of sky blue flicking up towards him.

John kicked him again. He frowned, and kicked back.

A mouthful of food stifled John's giggle, and now the eyes were definitely fixed on him as he felt the rush and went to defend, raising an eyebrow as John took advantage and hit his other leg instead. Oh, this shit was on.

He started eating again, calmly, holding his upper body steady as the strife below the table grew more quick and more challenging than he wanted to admit. For all John wasn't great with strength, he was a tricksy one. Certainly had a flare about his motions. A few low blows and then suddenly he felt one practically at his knee, jerking his legs up and then getting a flurry to his heels. John was practically choking with laughter, and Bro decided to take advantage, pulling his legs back and then sweeping in for a side attack.

"OW! Who did that?"

John actually choked as Dad jumped in the seat beside him, and goddamit the man had to have his legs out didn't he? Instinctively, Bro jabbed a thumb at Dave, who squawked indignantly and tried desperately to swallow his food and defend himself.

He didn't see what Dad did, and God he wish he had, because the man just twitched and suddenly Dave's chair was on its back on the floor as it was jerked forward, jolting under the table, complete with Dave. His brother started crying out blue murder and John laughed loudly and openly when he reemerged with a perfect shoe print in polish delicately on his face, the imprint lovely and crisp. Bro snorted. Dave smacked his shoulder.

"You are the greatest fucking asshole in the world." He grumbled, slumping into his seat and examining his face in his spoon. "Oh my God. Oh my God, Bro, my face!"

"I know. What a fuckin' improvement, huh?"

Dave whined and he laughed along with most of the table, and he wasn't sure where his bad mood had gone but it seemed to have been kicked completely away.

"Okay my sweet bubbas it is time for dreamy time." Roxy announced loudly, and all the kids but Rose groaned in sync, drawing a fond smile out Dad where he was sitting opposite Bro still, pouring Jake another drink. "Nope. No groaning. That means adults too, you know." She added, turning and gesturing vaguely at the cluster of them at the table. This time Jake groaned.

"Blast! We'd just got to the good stuff."

"Plenty of time for the boozes, Jakey. See? See, I told you that was the importantest reason." Bro rolled his eyes as she gestured at him, but he was glad it wasn't angry anymore. "Off. Shoo."

"But-" Jake tried again.

"Shhh, only sleep now."

Roxy herded them, off onto their different floors, her harpoon gun appearing when Jake continued to protest. Bro was the last to lope off down the corridor on the ground floor, and she caught his shoulder, shoving a harpoon under his chin.

"Sometimes...to do somethin' intile...intela...clever, we gotta do something dumb." She slurred, leaning close, eyes burning into his through the glass. Then she pulled away, nodding down the corridor. "Night, Dirk."

"...it's Bro." He mumbled agitatedly, rubbing his chin where the harpoon had skimmed it and stalking off into the shadows.

He didn't give her words another thought, at the stage drink and drowsiness had put him beyond caring. He could fret about vague philosophical nonsense tomorrow, right now, there was only bed. He found his door below one of the few pools of light under a still-lit lamp, opposite one that was already shut. Bro grumbled as he opened the door, fully prepared to fling Cal out of his sylladex at light speed to tell the fucker all about his day.

"Oh! Hey, Bro!"

"Huh." He looked over his shoulder at the opposite door, now open and with John leaning through the gap. "Hey, kid. Figured she was gonna stick me with the Australian guy."

"I'm totally glad I'm near you! I mean Dave is two floors upstairs, we can actually talk down here." John grinned, then descended into soft giggles. "I can't believe you kicked Dad!"

"I can't believe he did that to Dave on such short notice."

"I think you'll find a true prankster is always prepared." The kid explained seriously, before smiling again. "It was great. You looked so grumpy before but I totally made you smile! My prankster's gambit was a force for good, dude, you can't complain."

"Guess not." His door swung open but he stepped back to ruffle John's hair, the kid sliding out and fixing around his waist before he could stop him. "Fuckin' fond of hugs there, kid. I'm having a cuddle overload."

"Yeah well, I only had Dad to hug before. Apparently I am totally a huggy person. Deal with it. You are my friend, I will hug you, so ther..."

John's voice faded as he looked up, the finger prodding Bro's chest pausing lightly on his shirt. His cheeks went pink as he mumbled something quietly, and Bro frowned down at his wide-eyed-caught-in-headlights expression.

"...what? Kid, you gotta speak up if-"

"Um. Mistletoe."

Bro's head jerked up and he stared at the clump tied to the lamp with pink ribbon, taking a moment to take that in. Mistletoe. Tied in pink. Between the rooms she had given them.

Roxy, what the fuck?

"Hell no." He tried to untangle but John's hands tightened around him and he looked down to a forced pout and nervous puppy eyes. Oh no. No, no no.

"...Dave says it's bad luck if you don't!"

Oh of course Dave had fucking said that!

"Bro please don't give me bad luck!"

He just had to say no and walk away. That's all it would take.

"Please I've only just got to see everyone what if something bad happens!"

"John-"

"...please?" John mumbled, softly, eyes glistening with upset in the light. Christ, the kid was actually scared by this bullshit, and he look so tragic and adorable Bro slapped himself inwardly and sighed.

"Grow up, kid." He muttered, stepping back, and John sniffed, hurt in his features.

He'd been right. This kid would be the death of him.

Bro held everything down in the pit of his stomach as he leant down and although he hesitated, once, when John noticed he was moving closer, the moment those blue eyes lit up and filled with that cheerful spark he had coaxed back into life once before, Bro felt a tension slide out of his shoulders and tugged him up into the hug to meet his head halfway, his large lips pressing to John's soft ones in a chaste kiss that was meant to be fleeting and light and just to stop, but the moment they connected he couldn't quite bring himself to break it, the world frozen for him but for the pounding of his heart in his ears and the heat in his arms.

John shivered when Bro's cold piercing brushed his chin,

flexed his fingers into the polo shirt and shifted fully onto the balls of his feet,

gave sharp little breaths through his nose that washed over Bro's face,

and made quiet, meaningless sounds in his throat.

Bro realised as his own eyes slid dangerously close to shutting the one thing John wasn't doing was pulling away.

He reluctantly straightened and John chased it, pressing a second, light kiss to his jaw and then falling back to the flats of his feet, blushing crimson right the the tips of his ears.

"...um." The kid's voice was breathless, confused. "I...uh..."

"There." Wow, shit, no, his voice was just as breathless and soft, he cleared his throat and gained enough gruffness back to not sound like a complete kissing virgin. "No bad luck now. You...go to bed, okay?"

"Um. Okay." John let go, slowly, and Bro was suddenly acutely aware of the feeling of their limbs sliding apart and the cold that replaced the warmth of the embrace when John stepped back. "...good...goodnight, Bro."

"Goodnight."

The door slid shut and he looked up, tearing the plant down by the ribbon. He gave it a hateful glare before he stalked into his room, locking the door and slumping against it, letting the mistletoe drop to the floor and pulling out his phone.

-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 22:23pm --

TT: Roxy.
TT: What the FUCK are you playing at you stupid fucking bitch.
TG: somthin stupid
TG: y
TG: whatre u doing ther drik
TT: THIS WASN'T FUNNY.
TT: THIS WASN'T HELPING.
TT: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.
TG: dirk wat is rong
TT: YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG.
TT: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID.
TT: HE'S JUST A CUTE FUCKING KID AND I FEEL LIKE I TOOK ADVANTAGE BECAUSE OF YOU.
TT: HE ACTUALLY FUCKING LIKES THE REAL ME AND YOU MIGHT HAVE FUCKED IT UP.
TG: o u mean jon?
TG: u seemed hapy enuf at dinner
TT: BECAUSE HE MADE ME LAUGH.
TT: BECAUSE YOU GOT MAD AT ME FOR DOING FUCK ALL AND HE ACTUALLY CHEERED ME UP.
TT: BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT MY WELLBEING.
TT: AND THIS IS HOW HE SEES ME RESPOND.
TG: didnt haf to
TT: HE GOT UPSET ROXY.
TT: BECAUSE DAVE PUT SOME SHIT IN HIS HEAD.
TT: OF COURSE IT WAS FUCKING DAVE!
TT: I COULDN'T LEAVE HIM LIKE THAT.
TG: an y is that
TT: BECAUSE
TT: I JUST
TG: i fink
TG: prsonally
TG: it is bcuz he is cute
TG: an he lyks u
TG: an he makes u laff
TG: an cheers u up
TG: an cares bout u
TG: an hes a good kid
TG: an he maks u smile even wen i cant alwayas do tht
TT: WHERE THE FUCK IS ALL OF THIS SHIT COMING FROM?
TG: drik
TG: bby
TG: all o those thngs?
TG: i was quootin u
TT: But
TT: That isn't
TT: When I said that I didn't
TT: Oh my God.
TG: wat did mumma tell u
TT: Holy shit.
TT: I said all of
TT: I hadn't even noticed I
TT: Roxy
TT: What am I even
TT: I have
TT: Fuck
TG: ting
TG: dat was the pennyn doppin
TG: *drppng
TG: *dropping
TG: lol
TT: I can't do this.
TT: I just.
TT: I can't.
TT: Oh my God.

-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 22:45pm --

TG: o bby
TG: watevs am i goin to do w/ u

Chapter Text

He'd spent a long time imagining his first kiss.

Given he was practically a prince in a tower waiting for his shining heroine, it left a lot of time to fantasise about being swept off his feet, and who the girl might be, and where he might share it in, and how it would feel. He'd even asked the others if they'd ever been kissed and what it was like to support these daydreams, to which of course only Dave said yes, and proceeded to explain the experience with such a ridiculous metaphor John still didn't know what he was trying to say.

Dad kisses didn't count, that was for sure, even if stiffs pecks of affection on his cheek were rare. Mom kisses definitely didn't count, mostly because she had a habit of aiming for his mouth and ending up leaving lipstick all over his chin or nose.

But that.

That.

That had probably just counted.

John stared up at the ceiling, having slid to the floor with his back against the door the moment it was shut. His heart was pounding like he'd been working out, he was only just managing to calm down his breathing, and he definitely couldn't stop replaying it in his head.

What he had expected just then was a kiss like Dad gave, a stiff sort of tap of the lips to skin, all brief and controlled and proper. What he had got was...

Well definitely not that!

It had been light, at first, but then there was enough pressure (had he leant forward?) he could feel the slight roughness of a healing split in Bro's lip, and his stud pressing into his chin and sending a cold frisson up from where it touched. The stubble around the older man's jaw had scraped a little as they both shifted without instruction to pull closer (or had that just been John's imagination? He wasn't even sure anymore) but in the moment it didn't tickle, or hurt, it felt...strange? He couldn't describe it. He just knew even trying to was making his stomach fill with fluttering and his heart pick up again.

So his first kiss had been in a mansion, in a dark corridor, beneath a pool of light and a sprig of mistletoe, with...

...with...

-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 22:35pm

EB: rose
EB: if i was to
EB: theoretically
EB: kiss
EB: a guy
EB: and i sort of
EB: liked it
EB: a little
EB: does that mean anything
EB: about me?
TT: That you were lucky enough to share an enjoyable embrace?
EB: that isn't what i meant!!
TT: John, are you asking me if one kiss with a man would be enough to prove your orientation? Because the answer is no.
EB: oh
TT: It may suggest an interest in your own gender, certainly, but sexuality is a large and beautiful spectrum that can be unique to every person, and I certainly would base little to nothing on your first kiss.
EB: oh
TT: Why? Do you feel it means more than that? Do you want to talk about it?
EB: it's all theoretical!!!!
EB: i was just sitting thinking
EB: and i wondered
TT: Of course, John. Will you tell me who the 'wondering' was about? If it was your father, for example, there are other things completely to explain such fantasies.
EB: oh my god rose i didn't kiss dad!!!
EB: bluuuuuh!!!!!
TT: You didn't kiss him? I thought you were only thinking about kissing him?
EB: that's what i meant!!
TT: Are you sure?
TT: John if this is troubling you, you know you may talk to me in the utmost confidence. Anything said stays between us.
EB: i really don't think i should
TT: Was it Dave?
EB: oh my god!!!!! no!!!!!
EB: i would never kiss dave! not even if i was a girl!
TT: Was it Jake?
EB: no! i don't even know him!
TT: So it was Bro. Interesting.

Oh shit this had been a terrible idea.

TT: John?
EB: no!!! why would you say that??
TT: Because there are only four other men in the house, and you had discounted all the others. Simple logic. Taking into account your hesitation before answering and your question to find out what gave it away, I will take that as confirmation, shall I?
TT: I had a suspicion it would be, if you must know.
EB: why??
TT: Oh, things overheard. People raising voices and forgetting not everyone is as oblivious as the person they are shouting at.
TT: That, coupled with the conversations in which Dave has provided me with evidence in an attempt to confirm his suspicions about your opinions of his brother.
EB: fuck
EB: what do i even do now? :(
EB: it was under mistletoe so it doesn't mean anything, right?
TT: I think you are asking the wrong question. What you should be asking, you can only answer yourself. So.
TT: Do you think it meant anything, John?

He read the words a few times before he switched off his phone and put his head in his hands, not avoiding her question, not at all! Just not thinking about it. Not right now.

A thought flashed into his head as he got ready for bed, and he gave a nervous giggle, stomach jolting.

For once in his life Dave might have actually got something right, and it was the one time John would do anything to make sure he never found out.

Chapter Text

"Me and you, we gotta have a heart to heart, I'm in deep shit here. No one else I know who can help me think this mess through, not better than you." Bro rifled through the minibar his room was equipped with, because of course it was, because this was Roxy's house. He found a vaguely drinkable sounding beer and popped it open, taking a swig and looking back to his bed. "I need advice, bro."

Cal listened in understanding, propped up on the pillows with arms draped up over the headboard. He'd always been a great listener.

"I think, hell who am I kiddin', I know I got some emotional shit goin' on for some guy I should not be gunnin' for." He took in the silent questioning look and shrugged. "No, nothin' wrong with him, I guess. Just a small...age problem, that's all. A little younger than me, yeah. Uh, well. Maybe a lot?"

Cal didn't judge, Cal never judged, but he certainly looked a little worried.

"Fuck, if it weren't for Roxy I wouldn't be havin' this problem! I was fine. I was blissfully ignorant and that was cool, okay? I've always had a thing for guys like him. Like...friendly, and sort of optimistic? Innocent. Innocent is probably the word but fuck it makes me feel worse because I feel like maybe I sorta took some of that?"

The silence was urgent.

"No! Fuck, I didn't mean I slept with him! It was a kiss, okay, but dammit I know it was his first one and that sucks because he shoulda saved that for some sweet thing his age, not me. I didn't want to. Roxy's fault, Dave's fault, not mine."

Cal's eyes were disbelieving and a tiny pink tinge crept over Bro's cheeks.

"Okay, so...so maybe I coulda had some more self control. I still stopped before shit got heavy. Just a closed-mouth, one-off, stupid tradition kiss. That's all it was."

He looked away, shoving his free hand in his pocket as he paced awkwardly at the foot of the bed, Cal letting him think until he pulled his attention back with a noiseless call.

"...It's all it can be, anyway. Fuck. Look, if he'd been around, face to face, I woulda stopped this. I woulda been able to keep it as friends and I woulda been fine! It's 'cause it was just text after the first stupid time. Just talking. It's easy to forget you're talking to kid, and I mean he's more mature than Roxy acts! Totally understandable slip up. Ain't my fault he's fuckin' cute enough I couldn't say no."

Cal wondered if he knew he sounded like he was crushing, badly.

"Shut up."

Cal hadn't said anything. He looked hurt.

"Oh hey, bro, no, I'm sorry. I just...right now I'm not in the mood for shit, okay? This isn't somethin' I can ignore. I mean...what if I get drunk an' I say something or do something? If Rox noticed what if other people do? This is a kid! That shit could get me in a fuckload a trouble, or worse if I really fuck up."

The next question was more curious, and Bro snorted.

"Oh sure, if he was older, he'd be perfect. Fuck, man, if he was legal I'd be sweepin' him off his fuckin' feet! All that shit I said about him, the shit Roxy helpfully dumped all over me so I could drown in my own fuckin' idiocy, that's my perfect guy right there. It's sorta...it's a shame." He added, softly, eyes finding the abandoned mistletoe he still hadn't moved. "He's a good kid."

Cal understood. They shared a silent silence for a few minutes, then Bro grimaced and turned his attention back to his oldest friend's eyes.

"I have to get over this, somehow, before I fuck that up an' mess up another kid. I mean I'm pretty sure I've already fucked up Dave, in a lovin' brotherly way. I don't wanna actually, seriously mess up...him."

After a second, Cal made the obvious suggestion.

"Well yeah, I need to get laid, join the club, I think Rolal made fuckin' t-shirts. It's not like I can just go out and find a substitute that'll actually get rid of this hang up for him! He's...pretty much one of a kind. Ugh, there we go with the crushin' shit again, man, I gotta stop this. What I need is a fuckin' doppelganger, a fuckin' adult him so I can just get over this before I screw up an' do some messed up shit with a kid."

The lil man silently agreed, and posed the obvious question.

"I dunno who, man! I mean it's not like his Dad's an option, and he ain't got any older siblings or...cousins or...whatever..."

Cal gave him a long look, and Bro stared back.

"...That...might just actually work, bro." He murmured, glancing down at the drink in his hand and letting the idea roll around his head awhile. "I knew you'd come up with something."

There was a chance of redemption here, if he played his cards right, because Cal was right. John might not have any cousins, but he knew someone who did and he knew he had to do something stupid if he wanted to get out of this emotional black hole alive.

Bro took a swig of his beer and drowned his concerns with it.

After all, there was someone else who reminded him of John.

Chapter Text

It meant nothing! Totally nothing! Just two bros avoiding bad luck and following Christmas tradition! Rose and her stupid mind games didn't change that. Nope. They were so stupid. Pfff.

"John, could you pass me the milk?"

So what if it felt good? All kisses probably did! All kisses probably made your heart want to explode and your breath catch and your head spin and your whole body warm. Yup. That was totally normal!

"John? Hello, Jade to John, is anybody home, over!"

And all people probably replayed kisses over and over until they started feeling hot and breathing faster and could practically feel it all all over again. Yup. Heh.

"John, I don't want dry cereal, and you have the stupid milk right there. Just pass it please!"

He just needed proof! If he had just a little more experience to compare, he could prove he was right and he'd be fine.

"John-!"

"Kiss me." He said abruptly back, and Jade stopped, mouth open, blinking at him.

"...what?"

"Uh. Would you. Like. Kiss me? So I know what it's like if a girl kisses you?"

"Yeah, 'cause he's got plenty of experience with boys." Dave drawled across the table.

John laughed nervously. "Whatever, Dave!" He said in a higher than normal voice, then turned to Jade and more urgently begged, "Please? Just one tiny little kiss, it's important!"

"Uh. John, are you feeling okay..?"

"I just need a kiss from a girl! That's all. For scientific reasons."

"Oh. Why didn't you say so?" He was just aware of Rose's voice before his head was pulled backwards and for the second time in his life lips were pressed to his, but these ones were soft and gentle and small. John closed his eyes and heard Dave choking on his cereal as Rose kissed him firmly, slim fingers under his chin and a few loose strands of her hair hanging down and brushing his cheek.

It felt nice! He was enjoying it.

But his heart was only a little fast, and he could breathe fine, and he felt surprised but...normal.

Oh no.

Oh no.

"There. Hopefully that will give you the data you require?" She asked patiently as she stood and readjusted her hair. "I believe that was well within typical standards for an embrace."

"...yeah. Uh. Thanks?"

"Rose just kissed John." Dave said blankly to Jade, who snorted.

"No shit, Dave! John, you still haven't passed me the milk."

He finally did so in a daze, then groaned and lay his head on the table, Rose sliding into the seat beside Dave, opposite him, and ignoring Dave's quiet rambling freak out.

"Did your data not support your preferred hypothesis, John?" She asked casually, reaching over for the jug Jade had finished with. "Or is the experiment ongoing?"

"I don't even know."

"Well, I hope you settle on a more productive methodology soon, and I look forward to reading your published results. Dave, please pass the sugar."

"...you kissed John." The Texan replied numbly.

John groaned into the table, wishing he could disappear and dreading the rest of his stupid day.

The empty bottle wobbled as it stopped on Dave, who rolled his actually visible eyes (his shades perched on Rose's head after he had to take them off for a dare).

"Truth or Dare?" Jade said excitedly, leaning forward.

"Truth, Harley."

"Uh, okay! How many girlfriends have you had?"

"One." Dave replied with a shrug. "Hookups? Many. But Rez has been the only girl to get more than one time getting the full Strider charms." He reached for the bottle and twirled it with flair, smirking when it stopped on Rose. "Huh, running outta shit to ask you, Rose. Let me guess, Truth?"

"As ever, Dave."

"Ever actually get off to tentacles?"

"On occasion." She replied as serenely as ever, but John felt his cheeks heat up at the casual confession. She'd been the one who suggested the game as a way to get to know each other even better, and at first it had been fine! All stupid questions and silly dares. Then suddenly Jade asked Dave about how much porn he owned and then it was swinging wildly between total innocence and finding out things he had never ever wanted to know about his friends.

He'd escaped the worst of it so far, except a question from Jade about if he ever referred to his privates using hammer puns, his stammered denial made worse by Dave beginning to suggest a few until he shut him up with a question about whether he had ever won a strife against Bro and got a sheepish 'no' back. Since then only Rose had managed to land on him, and kept her questions tame but no doubt revealing, to her. It was kind of off putting when she started making notes during an answer!

Rose reached forward and daintily span the bottle, smiling when it came to rest on Dave. "Choose your poison, Strider."

"Truth, unless I get my fucking shades back."

"Not yet, not yet." She smiled a wicked smile, then took out her book and flipped leisurely through it (she had said before it was for inspiration) before closing it with a snap. "Ah, of course. How many boyfriends have you had?"

A moment of awkward silence passed, John's cheeks reddening again just at the tense atmosphere between them, briefly broken when Jade laughed. "Oh come on, Rose, Dave isn't-"

"Two."

What?

He looked at Dave so fast he felt whiplash, hearing Jade give one of her little shocked sounds as she rocked forward again. The coolkid's face was still calm, but John could see the slight, pale tenseness of his lips as his red eyes burned straight at Rose, his panic written through his gaze. The silence continued beyond what felt comfortable, and then Dave visibly frowned, shoulder slouching.

"One when I was eleven, one just before Rez, can we drop this shit and move on?"

"But Dave, I didn't even think-!" Jade began in confusion.

"Ain't your turn, Harley." He snapped back, spinning the bottle violently. "So no fucking questions until it is."

Dave didn't sound angry, he sounded worried, John thought. Scared even. He knew when he was forcing an emotion, and the sharpness was only to hide what was below. He still sounded upset though! John pitied whoever the bottle-

Oh. Of course. Godammit.

"Truth or Dare, Egbert."

Okay, Dave didn't want more questions so if John chose Dare he'd probably make it so ridiculous and embarrassing it distracted the girls from him. He could see the spark in Dave's eyes, daring him to pick it, to let Dave command him to do the worst things ever just so he got off the hook. The blonde had already done that to Jade once (dared her to explain to John what some weird furry term meant, which John had not wanted to know) after Rose asked him something about puppets. John wasn't going to be his fall guy this time!

"Truth!"

Dave's eyes lit up, and he gave the broadest, darkest smile John had ever seen him give, and realised as his stomach twisted Dave had just bluffed him fantastically, turning his knowledge of his expressions against him. His gambit bottomed out. He had such a bad feeling about this.

"Do you have a crush on Bro?"

No. Hell no. HELL FUCKING NO.

John's mouth flapped at him, desperate to lie through his teeth about possible totally unproven sort of crushes that might exist. But the rules! His honour! They'd all sworn before the game to tell the whole truth! Dave had even admitted something John was certain he had hated having to tell them, so if he lied now, what a fantastic douchebag he would be!

"...maybe..? I mean." John's voice was quiet and low and he really, really hoped none of the grown ups were nearby, regretting agreeing to play this in the lounge. "I think so? I don't know!"

"Yes or no answer, Egbert." Dave replied coldly, and John flailed his hands out, then covered his face.

"Yes! Okay, yes, yes I do! Oh my God."

Dave snorted but offered no comment. John was crimson when he reached for the bottle, Jade's expression one of puppy-cute shock at everything and Rose smirking to herself as she scribbled notes.

The bottle settled on Rose. John frowned.

"Have you actually ever been in a relationship, as you're so down with questioning everyone else's?" He asked in a far more sharp voice than he intended. Rose regarded him warily over her book, but he heard Dave give an approving sound and hoped it had bought him back some favour, given his last answer probably plunged him into the negatives. She sighed, then put her book away as she apparently took the undercurrent as a hint, daintily resting her hands on one knee as she smiled wearily.

"For about a year now, John, yes, and if she did not live in France I would have loved to have been introducing you to her now."

He let that sink in as Jade's expression shifted to her mind being blown. Dave shrugged slightly, frowning as the bottle once more landed on him. "Fuck. Truth."

"Dave-" He flinched, and Rose sighed. "-what is your favourite thing to take pictures of?"

The question was unexpectedly...nice, and Dave blinked before answering his friends, and unprompted starting to nervously ramble about why.

It was like they had all let out a breath they were holding. All the questions were innocent again after that.

Chapter Text

He found Jake in Roxy's firing range, down in her basement, after a late breakfast which no excuse could hide was to avoid being there when John was. It was a hunch that led him to wonder down into the gloomy corridor below the main lounge, but it was rewarded as soon as he found the doorway into the range.

Oh yes. Definitely rewarded.

Jake was sitting back at one of the work tables Roxy had for cleaning her harpoon guns, leaning back in the chair and holding a beretta up so he could look along its length with a critical eye. Muttering to himself about smudges, he seized up a rag and started polishing at the side of the gun, just above where silver metal met the brown leather grip. The concentration on his face was intense, teeth dragging over his bottom lip, eyes darting over the surface between each motion.

Why all of this required him to be in a t-shirt with arms so small they practically didn't exist and shorts that went above and beyond their name, Bro had no idea, but with every polishing brush his arm shifted back and forth, acquainting Bro very quickly with the various muscles that shifted in his tan bicep. The guy worked out, apparently, because damn. His arms and legs were bulked with muscle and covered with a manly amount of hair, and although the expression he was pulling was now one of utterly stupid focus, tongue held between his pronounced teeth, in the right light Bro guessed he'd be attractive up there, too.

Jake apparently got rid of whatever smear was annoying him, smiling and picking up the magazine from the table. He hopped up, swung around to head to the range, and then actually jumped back as he noticed Bro, automatically brandishing the unloaded weapon.

"Blimey! Where the devil did you come from? I didn't hear a single thing!" Jake laughed loudly as he calmed, a booming noise that shook his wide shoulders. "Can I help you, there, Bro?"

"Don't mind me. Just enjoying the gun show."

"It hasn't even started yet!"

"Oh, I'm pretty sure it has." Bro cocked his head. "Nice outfit."

"Must admit it's more for warmer climes, but I'm so used to it I have a feeling I'll be stomaching the cold a lot these next few weeks!" He patted his shirt approvingly with the hand holding the magazine, over a green skull printed against the black. "Don't see any point dressing to the nines just for mulling about, after all."

Bro shrugged, and the moment Jake turned and strode to one of the small booths his gaze dropped. He was completely happy with those shorts being worn more often, actually. Encouraged it, even.

Jake loaded the magazine and slapped it in firm, pulling a second gun from his hip and holding them both out straight, frowning thoughtfully. With care, he adjusted his grip until it seemed to please him, elbowing a button that pulled up a clean paper target with a silhouette upon it at the other end of the range.

"Lalonde tells me she put some thingamajig in here to deal with the noise! Only one way to find out!"

With a smile that seemed a little manic given the situation, he tensed and emptied the guns down the range as rapidly as they allowed, the loud shots seeming caught and deadened in the walls. Bro watched with a raised eyebrow, pretty sure you were meant to take slightly more care when shooting, but Jake certainly didn't seem to think so. As soon as he was done Jake had deposited the guns on the small bench in the booth and with a hand pressed flat to it was cheerfully leapfrogging the barrier and heading down to grab the target.

"Y'know you can move the target closer to check, right?" Bro called down after him, and got a dismissive hand wave and a raspberry blown at him in response. "Just saying."

"Because a few feet of sauntering is going to do me in? Poppycock, it's quicker just to go grab it anyway!" He tore out the paper and hopped back, grinning. "Hitting on all sixes, still have that magic touch."

Bro reluctantly conceded he was impressed when Jake held up the target with an unexpectedly precise cluster of shots through the centre of the silhouette, looking every bit like an excited kid holding up a pretty picture they'd made at school.

"Well aren't you a clever boy."

"Just one of my talents! Jane's always saying she's surprised I haven't killed myself yet, but then she'll never actually come have a look at how pat I have it down." He pulled it back to look it over himself, nodding approvingly. "She's just dally, but she can be a little nervous sometimes, bless her dear heart."

"She used to freak out if I so much as mentioned swords, you're lucky she hasn't confiscated your guns or something."

"Oh, she tried! But she only got my antiques. I don't think she knows I carry more modern weapons." Jake smiled broadly, pushing his slipping glasses back up his nose as his gaze returned to Bro. "I was thinking of perusing Lalonde's film collection. Fancy joining me?"

Well. That was perfect, right there.

"Nothing better to do." He replied casually, straightening from where he'd ended up leant against the doorframe. "Got a film in mind?"

"Not really! Rather a lover of any good flick. Maybe an action film, something with a decent bit of adventure!"

Bro nodded, waiting for Jake to drop the target on the table and grab his guns, then followed him as he bounced upstairs, listening to him talk rapidly about all the movies he hoped Roxy owned. Bro relaxed, allowing himself a relieved smile.

Maybe this whole thing was going be be easier than he'd thought after all.

"No, no, quieten down, this bit is the best part!"

"Jake, so far every part has been the best part."

"Well I really mean it this time, Strider!" Jake elbowed his shoulder, still fixed intently on the screen. Bro snorted and elbowed back, but relented, relaxing against the couch.

The attack on Roxy's films had been swift, and Bro had barely had a chance to glance at a few titles before Jake bounded up with a case held aloft and an excited expression, announcing this was the film they had to watch. They had taken up in front of her seventy inch, and as soon as it began Jake was lost, humming along to the music and practically squealing quietly the first time Harrison Ford appeared on screen.

It was familiar, the way he had become childish in his excitement. This was working.

"...Be ready for me." Jake murmured along, just loud enough for Bro to hear, and he glanced over to see the man's face rapt and his mouth in a slight smile. "I'm going after that truck." Oh God, he was going to do the whole scene. He could probably do the whole film, given how he seemed to always know just what was about the happen. "How?" He changed voice slightly. This was the dorkiest thing Bro had witnessed him do so far, but it was exactly what Bro needed. He was being cute and watching a stupid film with him and the reflection of the screen in his glasses was almost turning his eyes blue. Fuck it, time to be stupid.

"I don't know," Bro said before Jake could, instantly gaining his full attention. "I'm making this up as I go."

For a moment Jake just stared, then he laughed and jabbed him triumphantly in the ribs. "Ha! You do know it! I'll bet you're enjoying it really, cool guy."

"It's a classic, how am I not meant to know it?"

"It is a classic, thank you very much! The dashing hero off on an adventure, ready to save the day! My Grandma was an archaeologist." He added, proudly.

"I doubt she was anything like Herr Jones." Bro observed slowly, and Jake laughed.

"Oh, I don't know! She wasn't allowed back into Russia after that one little incident with the skull." An expression of reminiscence slipped over his face, and he sighed. "She used to have such cracking stories. I always wanted to be like her - that's why I decided to go sailing! I've been around the world twice by now, you know. The sorts of things I've seen..."

"I guess having a magical demon dog makes it easier to keep supplied."

"Oh, magic isn't real, sap! Now pipe down, you're making me miss it!"

Bro fell silent but triumphant, feeling he was making progress. They got on, he was similar enough, he was old enough to just lay and have done with it. That was totally exactly what he needed, no matter what doubts he was having to drown out.

Jake shifted to sit closer, and Bro paused and glanced across, before stretching his arms along the back of the couch in the most terrible cliché way he could. His companion paused, looked over his shoulder, and let out an honest-to-God guffaw.

"Really?" Jake asked with a smirk, and Bro glared, shrugging and folding his arms again. "I was expecting at least a terrible pick up line."

So not quite as oblivious as he looked then. That was...good? Right?

"I mean...heck, you're something keen, but I'm more a check sort of guy, anyway." Jake told him earnestly, because that made total fucking sense, just like every other thing he said. The guy elbowed him lightly, smiling encouragingly. "Watch the movie, mate, come on! This bit's a cracker."

It wasn't like he had anything better to do, he mentally repeated, settling down. At least that hadn't been a no, he thought. Well...it hadn't sounded like a total no? Who was he kidding, he had no idea what that was meant to mean, but he was just going to go ahead and assume it was a positive thing! That was something.

Now and then he gave Jake another sidelong glance, and if he weren't sure it was the movie playing on his face, he would swear his cheeks had coloured red.

Chapter Text

She fulfilled one promise without questions on a hunch.

She fulfilled another with a little cunning so he could experience it too.

She reread his messages and sighed and redid the room plan to put new people together.

She tottered precariously on a step ladder and tied mistletoe with a ribbon like a signature.

She tried to tell him and forgave him when he didn't understand.

She was there to hear the penny drop when he finally did.

She gave a second option a nudge in the right direction.

She collapsed into a chair and wished she just didn't give a fuck.

Men were hard to cope with.

Dirk Strider was just the worst.

Roxy had always had a thing for happy endings. When she was little her mother had dressed her up as a princess and told her fairy tales, promised her someday she'd find her perfect guy and that she'd get her happy ever after. That dream stuck. It stuck after her parents divorced and she lost both of them to drink and bitterness. It stuck when she found the bottle herself and hid a lot of her feelings away. It stuck after she left home forever and ended up all alone in a strange, unwelcoming place.

She still remembered meeting Dirk, drunkenly crying on the steps of their college because she'd been kicked out of her accommodation for some stupid reason she couldn't even recall. People had just been passing her by, ignoring her, like everyone always did, and then all of a sudden there was a hand on her shoulder and this guy from her classes she'd never even heard talk before was mumbling if she was okay, hugging his books to his chest over his stupid knitted waistcoat. He took her for a coffee so she could warm up, and they spoke, two broken pieces of the world instantly fitting together. He didn't hesitate to offer her a bed when he went to head home. She didn't hesitate to accept.

For a long time, she'd thought her happy ending might be with him.

But no, life was never that simple, so as Dirk hit the crisis of realising he was gay she descended into a long line of pointless romances with boys who always left, in the end. Jane had been another accidental friend, both bonding over complaints over the same stupid ex, and between her constant visits and Dirk's general companionship things were bearable, through college, in the end.

He'd promised to be her final prom date when they graduated, if they hadn't found anyone else. The night was great, Jane and the cute girl she totally wasn't there on a date with were loads of fun, and they were free at last, to go and run off into the world, to tear it all to pieces in their wake.

She was moving north to go to university, but she promised to visit over and over, a promise she knew she'd never kept. Dirk was staying in the city because it was the only place he'd ever felt happy to actually call home. Jane was moving back in with her Dad, because she had a company to run, now she was of age.

That night her and Dirk did a very stupid thing.

She always lied she'd met someone else, after she left, just long enough it was believable. He didn't need or want the truth. Pretty soon there was a little girl to take up all her time and to tell her own fairy tales to, but where Roxy had adored them Rose simply grew to resent them. So Roxy drank. Let the girl drift away. Began all the mind games that had spiralled out of control.

She was too old for a happy ending, she worried sometimes.

All of a sudden, out of the blue, when she was at her worst and had fucked up so bad she was looking at a civil suit or worse, she got an email from Yours Concerned and with every little exchange of messages it was less and less about what she'd done and more and more about who she was.

At thirty, Roxy fell in love for the second time, with a widowed father who was kind and funny and handsome and perfect. This time she was sure she was going to avoid drama! They clicked perfectly. It was great! Roxy Lalonde believed in happy endings once again, and she was over the moon to have finally found hers.

But then...Dirk.

Her pink gaze rested on where the kids were sprawled across the floor, a game of spin the bottle apparently having descended into John and Dave coming up with the stupidest insults they could for one another as Rose listened with a silent smile and Island Girl giggled and punctuated the conversation with loud slaps of her knees at the funniest suggestions. She missed being young, and just being able to waste all her time away with her friends, and all the stupid things that seemed so important then.

Being an adult was hard. It was hard and nobody understood.

Not that she made her own life any easier! She believed again, but the problem with that was Roxy had always wanted those endings for everyone. When Rose met that sweet Maryam girl online, Roxy bought her the best webcam she could, and decided holidays to France were going to become a yearly thing. Rose had hugged her for the first time in about ten years when she showed her the tickets. When Jane had said about her cousin missing company, she invited him for Christmas, and when Dirk spoke about John, well that was everyone coming! And everyone was so happy, together. Her little newly christened family surrounded her with laughter and smiles, and she was even drinking less, desperate to remember all of this as vividly as she could.

Her most recent stupid play at being a fairy godmother had left Dad thoughtfully puffing away at his pipe outside, murmuring to himself about children needing care and how much effort it would take to move around his spare room and fit a bed in there. Once more, Roxy only hoped she'd done the right thing.

She sighed, picked up her glass and sipped slowly at it, gaze drifting from the kids off into the void of her own mind. A good old friend once told her sometimes all people took was some gentle nudges in the right direction, and their own hearts would lead them the rest of the way. She hoped she was right this time, because she'd pushed people too hard in the past and knew how bad things could go when she did.

And yeeeeah, trying to hook up her best friend with a fourteen year old? That one was new. She really doubted Callie had had that in mind when she offered that advice.

Roxy cared about happy endings. She just wished she wasn't the only one who didn't let the rest of the story get messed up and in the way.

Chapter Text

Dinner had been a sort of buffet instead tonight, to avoid more silly table shenanigans according to Mom. John didn't mind. It meant he could sit with the others and keep talking and laughing with them, and stealing Dave's food whenever he looked the other way.

Outside the confines of Truth or Dare, their sharing had grown more relaxed, and after John and Jade both gushed a little about having company, Jade asked about Rose's girlfriend, and she smiled warmly back.

"Her name in Kanaya. She is a little older than us, about two years or so, and the most intelligent and empathetic person I have ever known. We met online when one of her friends insulted me and she came in to defuse the situation - I sensed a kindred spirit, as did she, so we became friends, and then last year she began to suggest we could take things into more romantic territory, something I had wanted myself and was rather overjoyed with. I would have introduced her to our group sooner, but I have been rather nervous, really." She blushed and gave a small laugh. "I will wait until I have met her to do that, I think. Mother has purchased me tickets to visit this January in a rare show of actual care."

"Wow! You're going to get to go to France?" Jade beamed. "Grandpa went there a few times, he said its a wonderful place."

"I look forward to seeing it, and more than anything I cherish the thought of seeing her. Perhaps next year she will be able to join us, at Christmas." Rose blushed happily at the thought, then quickly looked up to Dave. "What about your dearest, Strider? Will we ever actually be allowed contact with her, considering how long it took you to allow us contact with your own kin?"

"I'd like to point out my concerns were totally vindicated." Dave drawled back, jabbing a thumb at John, who blushed furiously and blurted out a nervous giggle. "But idiots and their dumbass crushes aside, sure, whatever, Rez is pretty cool with anyone. She moved down from NY and was meant to be meeting up with her friend...my, uh. My ex." His confidence dropped a little, but when Jade opened her mouth to continue lecturing him on how whatever he liked didn't matter, they were all still his friends and he was stupid for acting ashamed, he rapidly continued in a calmer voice, "Tav had some shit happen with his new guy so he asked me to go pick her up 'cause I was the only one he trusted enough with her. She's great, really, all sortsa fun and shit. It was love at first lick."

Jade wrinkled her nose. "Uh-"

"I meant what I said, Harley. Trust me. She's amazing but she's also batshit insane." Dave shrugged. "Even Bro thought she was weird, and I mean, when he thinks that, Christ you gotta be pretty fucked up."

"Have you let him meet her yet?" John jabbed him in the ribs and the coolkid scowled. "Dave, you're being stupid!"

"I'm protecting my interests. Besides, you're biased as fuck, of course you think he'll be fine."

"I don't get something." Jade announced after watching them elbow each other for a while. "How did you get a crush on Bro if you'd never met him before?"

"Because Dave was an asshole-"

"-hey one time I went out and I come back and you and him are best bros forever, what the fuck?"

"Bro's great!"

"Bro's messed up."

"You didn't even know his age, Dave."

"He always says he's timeless, like a fine wine, all Striders are."

"Pfff, whatever, I bet you don't even know what he's called!"

It was a joke, but Dave's mouth opened, then shut again, and his brow furrowed behind his reclaimed shades. Jade tried not to giggle, but John was more concerned with Rose, whose eyes had suddenly lit up like she had realised something important.

"Uh. I always sorta." Dave coughed. "His name isn't Bro?"

"Oh my God, Dave! That's terrible!"

"Hey, if he didn't tell me, it can't be that major to him or whatever, everyone else calls him Bro!"

"Just because he doesn't like his name doesn't mean he doesn't have it!"

"Alright then, dumbass, what the fuck is it?"

"Nope. That is something told in confidence to me and Clarence, I'm not gonna spill, dude."

"Oh really." With no more warning Dave had tackled him to the ground, and as he started tickling him John squeaked and laughed, trying to shove him off and kicking wildly. "We have ways of making you fucking talk!"

"DAVE! DAVE OH MY GOD! DAVE YOU DICK!"

"Tell me you little douche, come on, I could do this shit all day!"

"DAVE YOU FUCKING-!"

"John." His voice broke off sharply as the stern figure of his father loomed above them, and Dave scrambled off him as John sat up and gave a weak laugh. "No more of that language in Miss Lalonde's house. Just because Mister Strider thinks it is appropriate for a boy to talk that way doesn't mean you have to."

"Um. Yes, Dad. Sorry. It won't happen again!"

"I'm proud you can admit your mistakes, son."

"Did you...want something?"

"As a matter of fact, I did. Miss Lalonde brought something to my attention..." John had a brief moment of panic but it turned to confusion as soon as he added, "I was wondering if I could speak to you, Miss Harley?"

"Um. Sure, John's Dad!" Jade stood and gave John a questioning look that he shrugged blankly back at. "What about?"

"I'll explain in a moment - oh, and call me Dad, please. Everyone else does."

She followed him away and John watched them go suspiciously, past when Mom was sitting. She raised a glass to him as his eyes paused on her, giving another devilish smile. What had she done now? Last time she'd convinced his Dad to completely change his rules! The idea she'd said something else worried him, a lot, because he had no idea what it would be.

Dave laughing loudly beside him derailed his train of thought.

"Holy shit, Dadbert had you whipped."

"Shut up, Dave!" John grumbled, shoving him hard and frowning. Jade. What did Dad want with Jade?

"I'll shut up when it stops being funny. Hey...look out, John, you'll lose your chance, dude." Dave nudged him, and John actually turned this time, Dave's tone changing to a less joking one. He sort of wished he hadn't, as the bottom dropped out of his stomach.

Bro was just at the end of the corridor their rooms were on, hand flat against the wall, and attached to his lips (the lips that had kissed him and it was back in his head, fuck) was the other guy with the dark hair, the older one, no mistletoe in sight and no falter at all from either side. John stared and felt a weird, violent rush of shock and anger and embarrassment and upset, but he tried to stamp it all down because he'd spent all day telling himself their kiss hadn't meant anything, and there was proof! There was exactly what he'd thought he wanted.

Once again, he was no longer sure it was what he'd really wanted at all.

The adults broke apart and Bro almost smiled, before snorting, his companion punching his shoulder and then heading upstairs.

"That was the worst line I've ever heard, English." He called up after him, and John now had a name to put to his new least favourite face. "I mean, wow."

"It was a classic, I think you'll find! I'd like to see you do better! Heh. Goodnight, Strider."

"Night."

They both disappeared in the relevant directions, and John blinked several times, because his stupid eyes stung, and his fists were sort of shaking, and when he looked back around Rose was giving him a sympathetic frown that made him feel even worse, because she knew and it felt like she knew more about his own feelings than he did!

"I...think I'm going to go to bed." He said with forced cheerfulness, standing unsteadily and shoving his trembling hands into his pockets.

"But dude it's only-"

"Dave, leave him be." Rose advised firmly, then nodded to John. "If you want to talk-"

"I know."

He turned and jogged off, breaking into a sprint when he was out of sight, desperate to catch his quarry before he vanished into his room.

Bro was practically in, but he hesitated when John called his name and that was enough. The boy stopped in front of him and panted, then stared up and struggled with what to do next. His face was impassive, and suddenly John really hated those shades.

"Did it mean anything?" He blurted finally, the first sensible thing that came to his head, and Bro's mouth tensed in a frown. "Last night, did it-"

"No. Come on, kid, it was under mistletoe."

The answer he had wanted felt like a slap to the face, and John shuddered with what felt horribly like a swallowed sob. Why was he this upset? What was wrong with him!

His thoughts were a mess, and suddenly one returned to him from breakfast, clear above the rest.

He needed more data.

Bro jerked slightly as John hopped up and grabbed his neck and dragged him down, crushing his lips up against the familiar roughness and feeling his heart drum loud in his ears with every passing moment. He tilted his head into it, purposefully, and felt a little bud of hope build as seconds passed and Bro just gently put his hands on his shoulder, not kissing back, but not pulling away, either.

John was the one who stepped back and gulped.

"There. No mistletoe." His voice shook with things he wasn't sure he understood, but he was pleading, hands sliding to hold Bro's arms, reluctant to fully let go. "Did that mean anything?"

Bro flicked his tongue over his lips, straightening up to his full height and slowly, almost hesitantly, pulling his hands back.

"N-No." He replied, unsteadily, stepping back and shutting the door in John's face.

Chapter Text

For the second time, Bro found himself panting and pressed to his door after kissing a kid he really, really didn't trust himself near right now.

Fuck, no, that hadn't been him this time! That was all John. All the innocent fourteen year old who apparently was reading way more into one kiss that he should do!

Two kisses.

Fuck.

-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 21:25pm --

TT: Roxy.
TT: Jake's room.
TT: Where is it.
TG: o he is jakey now hm
TT: Shut up and answer the question, this is important.
TG: le sighsh
TG: tow floors abov u bby
TG: door w/ a reef on
TT: Two floors directly above me?
TG: yh
TG: y?
TG: drik?
TG: ...
TG: dick
TG: DIRK
TG: omfg
TG: uv gon out the window havnt u
TG: ffs
TG: now i remmber y i hated livin w/ u

The outside of Roxy's house was rough enough to provide friction, when he rubbed his hand down it, so that was a start. Windows quite deeply recessed, slight sills and only small gaps between them. Perfect. With a deep breath Bro pressed his back to one side of the hole his window was in, hands back against it, then picked one leg up and pressed his foot to the opposite side, tensing taught and lifting the other to join it.

He didn't drop. That was a start.

With careful movements he shifted his body upwards, shirt riding up each time he settled in place until he could feel the rough white stucco scraping at his back. He would probably regret this later, but right now he just needed some fucking release that didn't involve something - someone - illegal. Slower than he liked he felt his head brush the top of the recession, and looked up to the sill of the room above him, taking a deep breath and reaching his closest hand out to pat up to it and take firm hold.

This. This was so stupid.

With another quick breath he gripped tightly and shoved off the border of wall above his window, swinging for a second out on the one arm still holding on and quickly scrabbling up with his other hand and half hoisting, half swinging with the ongoing momentum, up into the recession above.

He slump against the wall and panted, glancing in and seeing a room most certainly belonging to Roxy and Dad, by the copious amount of both drinks and pipe tobacco littering the place. Identified by their vices, he was glad neither was present as he shook himself out and then began easing upwards again, repeating the motions a second time.

He landed on the second floor with a heavier thud and swore quietly, rubbing his knees as he stood unsteadily and moved in a little to the window. Jake was sitting at a desk, wearing the most ridiculous helmet he'd ever seen, like part of a green skull with eyes flashing wildly into the mirror. When he tapped on the glass it went unnoticed, and Bro sighed, crouching and examining the small keyhole to the locked frame.

He sighed and fumbled in his pocket until he found a piece of sturdy wiring suitable (probably from his ongoing project that he was starting to feel like he would never finish) and then set about the lock with a grumble about stupid English and his stupid hat thing.

A minute later he was locking it again behind him, strolling up behind Jake and leaning on the desk with his mouth down by where the helmet covered his ear.

"Jake-"

"JUMPING FRIGGING JEHOSHAPHAT!"

The chair topple backwards as he leapt and Bro caught it smoothly, setting it to one side and looking back at the pistol now pointed at his face as Jake fumbled to get the helmet off with his other hand. Wide green eyes fixed on him, and then rolled overdramatically as the pistol was dropped carelessly on the desk. "Strider! Bloody hell, are you always going to try and do me in when you show up? Wait...wait, how did you even do that! My door's locked, so's my windows!"

"Like that would stop me." And not a fucking trap door in sight. He was quite proud. "Jake, we should make out."

"What, right now?"

"No, I broke into your room to tell you we should play tonsil hockey tomorrow-"

"Oh! Well-!"

"Of course right now you fucking idiot."

"Can I ask what brought this on, then, chap?"

"It would be...much, much better if you don't."

For a moment, he thought Jake would argue, the green darting back and forth over his dark glasses for some sign of the emotions beyond them. Then his shoulders slouched, and he spread his hands in defeat, shrugging.

"You're lucky it's been long enough for me I'm game, you know. You already got your kiss on the first date."

"Was that a date?"

"Wasn't it?"

He decided to seize the moment and just fucking kiss him, because questions like that were exactly what he was here to desperately avoid.

He woke up the morning after back in his room with no real memory of getting there, with a note in green ink on his bedside table saying I think i'd be up for more later if you are. Just try and get my name right next time?

He didn't have to ask to know what he'd said. Bro groaned and buried his head in his pillow, and contemplated never leaving the room ever, ever again.

He finally forced himself out around lunchtime, appearing into a room which was surprisingly devoid of the small crowd he'd already grown used to. Maybe they'd gone out while he was hiding? No, not hiding...recovering. Yeah. Probably.

It was probably better this way. The last thing he wanted was anything else to deal with right now, given he was already-

Dave flashed in front of him with a flicker and a sword, and Bro couldn't contain the groan.

"For fuck's sake, Dave-"

"Shut up." His brother snapped back, sounding angry enough it actually silenced him. "Roof. Ten fucking minutes. Bring a sword you stupid dick."

"What the fuck did I do?" Bro replied indignantly as Dave turned to go, and saw his shoulders stiffen. He gave a one word answer, then sprinted off to start climbing as Bro stayed in place and fought the urge to throw up.

Of course. Of fucking course, of all the things Dave could have said.

The one thing that left him actually nervous when he went to start his own ascension.

The only thing he didn't want to hear.

"John."

Chapter Text

John wanted to cry. He really, really, wanted to cry.

There was pain in his nose, and at the corners of his eyes, and the next breath he took was soft and ragged and met a lump in his throat. Okay! So apparently he had no actual clue what he wanted until he got told no. Great! Now he could just curl up in bed and pull his bunny out of his suitcase and tell it, you know what, the whole Strider family could be dicks sometimes!

He turned and a soft noise caught his attention and made him look up.

Oh no.

Oh no.

He didn't need to see past the shades to know Dave was staring at him and he didn't want to focus long enough to pick out his expression, other than the fact his lips were white with how hard they were pressing together. Had he followed him straight away? Had he heard all of that? Oh God, John started shaking and when he opened his mouth to try and explain all that came out was a sob.

"...I'm s-s-sorry!" He managed to force out, before it was flooding out in hot streams down his face and his eyes had blurred everything into a colourful mess, hands clenching tightly at his sides so hard they trembled.

He felt Dave move closer with the waft of air he had rapidly grown accustomed to as he grew used to the Striders flashstepping, and he braced, half expecting a fist or shouting or just something terrible because Dave would be so mad, Dave had already been so unhappy, and that was before he knew-

Lanky arms wrapped around him and his head was pressed to Dave's bony shoulder, a soft mumble for him to shut up and stop crying like a girl lost in his hair as he was tugged in close. John hugged back tightly and cried into his stupid hipster shirt, not expecting the contact but realising how utterly desperately he needed something that didn't feel like a punch to the gut.

"C'mon, dude." Dave soothed quietly. "Where's your room?" With a sniffle John pointed, and Dave grimaced. "...right. 'Course it is."

"I'm sorry." John repeated weakly, as Dave's arm around his shoulder tugged him into his room and he was sat on the bed, numbly watching his best friend shut the door and lean against it.

"...stop...saying that, okay? I'm not angry at you. I'm...I dunno, I guess I'm fucking pissed off, yeah, but not at you."

"Dave he didn't force me or anything-"

"Yeah, I know, I...saw." Dave groaned, turning to look him over and taking off his shades. On purpose. Without being forced. Just for a minute, John's twisting stomach stilled in shock. Who was this and what had they done with Dave? "So. You wanna tell what the fuck is going down there, man, 'cause I'm kinda lost and I really don't like being lost."

John swallowed, took a long, raspy breath to try and calm down, and mumbled out everything, all about the crossed fingers and the talking all the time, and the feelings he hadn't understood and then meeting him and suddenly feeling everything and starting to want more and then the mistletoe and what Rose had said and worrying all day and...then...

"You saw the rest." He muttered miserably, at where Dave had now sprawled back on his bed beside him. "He made out with that stupid douchebag and then I was an idiot and thought some grown up guy might actually like me back and it all sort of...I feel horrible, Dave, oh my God. I've never felt this bad, ever, not about anything."

"I warned you about Bro, dude. I told you dog."

"Ugh. I just...he's nice, Dave! He's great."

"He's also forty."

"Thirty two."

"Not the point."

John fell silent, because he knew that, he just didn't want to think about it! The idea he might not be quite as sure of his sexuality as he had thought was terrible enough! He was trying not to add in any of the other many, many problems with having his first crush on his best friend who lived in Texas' thirty two year old brother who didn't like him back.

Oh wait! There were all the problems in one sentence! Oh God he felt the worst.

"...so you...are into guys."

He blinked at Dave, who was fidgeting with his shades, cheeks pink and eyes resolutely not on John. "...I...I still don't know? Maybe? P-Probably. I mean...I don't know for sure, I don't think. Not yet." John swallowed, then his eyes lit up a little. "I mean! You like guys, right? How did you find out for sure?"

Dave stiffened, looking like he was going to put his shades on, then sighed and just put them down on his stomach and folded his arms. "Okay, looking back, when I actually realised? I guess...I was ten. I was lucky, I sort of just realised straight away how things were for me. There was this guy I liked. He got me and I got him and I realised I was more into him than I'd ever been into a girl, and Bro had never taught me the whole boys and girls should be together shit so I just crushed badly until I realised he would probably never like me back. Then I got to school and I sort of dated a guy and got over it, started moving on. I wasn't one hundred percent sure until Tav, because I mean, before then dating was like just holding hands and stuff? But I know for fucking sure now, and I know I still like girls 'cause I've never been as attracted to anyone like I'm pulled to Rez, she's a massive Strider magnet, I swear to-"

"Dave! Stay on topic." John laughed softly, then sucked his mouth to one side and thought for a moment. "Wait, you were ten? I thought I was the only guy you knew then!"

Dave stared at him.

"...oh."

"Yeah."

"Wow."

"I got over it, man, I'm not about to try and seduce you or shit - though I totally could if I wanted to, look at me, man, I am hot as fuck." Dave rolled to lie suggestively with his head up in one hand. "Draw me like one of your French girls, Egbert. I'll get naked and everything."

"Pfff, Dave. Stop." John nudged him, then laughed a little more nervously. "I just...wow. I'm kind of honoured I was your first crush! That's kind of cool, and I also feel like an absolutely massive dick for not noticing? And for all of the times I told you I wasn't gay. Oh my God, Dave. I was such a stupid ass to you!"

"Yup. You totally were. You're lucky you're too aderpable for me to stay mad at you, bro."

"...Aderpable."

"It's a thing." Dave assured him, sitting up and stretching. "But back to the whole, you and fuckup over there thing? I'm sorry he's a dick 'cause he'll never apologise for it, and I'm sorry you got your hopes up. Find someone else, dude, move on. That's what I did."

"...I guess. I...thanks, Dave. I was kind of expecting you to lose it about all of this?"

"Well, yeah? Tomorrow shit and the handle are going to have such a messy divorce the kids end up in care and one of them has to leave the country, dude. I'm going to put that dumb fuck to rights, or at least give it a fucking good try before he wipes the floor with me."

"He didn't do anything!" John whined, and Dave snorted, shaking his head. "I sort of forced him both times, Dave, and he's only been nice to me, I swear, he didn't do anything wrong!"

"John, of course he fucking did, dumbass."

"Well what did he do that's so bad you're willing to go and have your ass handed to you yet again because of it?"

Dave gave him a disbelieving look, like the answer was the most obvious thing in world. "...seriously? John, he made my best friend cry."

Chapter Text

Dave reached the roof of the observatory with a few minutes to spare, so determined not to dwell he scoped out what there actually was up there. A walkway ringed the domed roof, a sloping ladder leading up to a smaller, round platform around a series of antennas stretching up into the night. Out of one side rose the telescope, large and broad enough to stand on, and Rose had assured him in was strong enough to take his weight briefly when he messaged her about his plan and convinced her to get Mom to take everyone out down the garden to sled, even though she expressed her dissapproval.

TG: rose its just how we do things ok
TG: i dont fucking bitch about your weird psychoanalysing shit with mom
TG: dont try and make a fucking show about how i deal with bro
TG: i need to get this out of my system somehow
TG: im really fucking pissed with him
TG: you have no fucking idea
TT: Would you be so set upon his suffering if the person in question here was not John?
TG: of course i fucking wouldnt
TG: but he decided to mess with the one guy i actually give a real fuck about
TG: id do anything for john you know that
TT: You know you are probably going to be utterly destroyed.
TG: yeah
TG: but i need to do this
TG: stand up to him
TG: cause im the only one who ever will

She reluctantly conceded, and shortly after assured him they would all be gone. No excuses for Bro to hide behind, no one around to dart off to and use as a shield. Just them, alone, with an argument to settle and a fight to answer it, just how it always had been.

"Dave."

He turned and levelled the sword at his brother, who frowned and gently unsheathed his own with a rasping hiss. Slowly, purposefully, Dave took off his shades and slipped them into his sylladex, staring Bro down and daring him to follow suit. The elder Strider's jaw set, and then he reluctantly did so, uncovering his amber eyes and warily watching Dave pace side to side across the constricted walkway, on guard and ready for the first strike.

"Loser gives up their shades for the rest of the trip." Dave announced abruptly, and Bro nodded almost instantly, starting to crack his neck and roll his shoulders like he always did to warm up if given time. Unmasked, their stares and the air between them grew intense, and then Dave had darted forward into a low blow Bro easily parried and pushed back from, a warning shot never intended to hit.

"We really gonna do this?" Bro asked quietly. In response Dave charged him again, thrusting forward, each hit sent glancing off to the side by quick blocks and forcing Bro back further and further. He wasn't striking back. He wasn't trying. The realisation frustrated Dave and he clenched his teeth, putting all his strength into a downwards slice.

Bro flickered from view and then a foot was slammed into Dave's back and sent him crashing forwards into the railings, sword dangerously close to slipping from his grasp. He pulled it back and rolled in time to see the other blade slice into the metal where he had been, panting and stumbling up to a flurry of quick, disorientating jabs that he only just managed to match. Better. Dave darted back and then with a slight run up he used the railings to pull himself up and kicked off the dome, rolling in flight to land smoothly behind Bro and cracking him in the small of the back with the hilt of his weapon before he could turn around. His brother stumbled and Dave quickly kicked for his legs, but Bro jumped over the kick and landed facing him again as Dave scrambled up, the two both barely out of breath and watching the other for tells.

"You fucked up." It was a risk, but Dave spat it anyway, pacing carefully out of reach of the blade. "He actually gives a fuck about you, and you screwed it up, didn't you?"

"It isn't like that." Bro responded firmly, but without shades to hide behind Dave could see the flash of panic. He had him.

"Oh, it isn't? Well I didn't see you fucking comforting him last night, I saw you shutting the door in his face."

"You...saw." His voice wavered but he pulled it back, of course he pulled it back. Dave bared his teeth.

"I saw you being a massive selfish dick and breaking my best friend's heart, yeah."

Bro's eyes flashed and Dave saw him tense to the left, swiftly jumping to the other side and swinging on the rails again to avoid the charge. Bro thudded into the fence behind him and span with a glare and a scowl.

He was getting angry. He was getting sloppy.

"What's the matter, asshole? Totally happy with just shoving him to one side for a finer ass-"

Bro flashed again, but Dave felt him behind him and dodged the fist that swept through where his head had been. He fell to a crouch and sprung his legs back, catching Bro's and sending him off balance long enough to dive away and move around to the other side of the dome, knowing it only bought him a second or two.

"-but you can't face the fact you made him cry?"

Bro's angry footfalls stopped and Dave didn't think, he leapt up and just caught the ladder, using it drag himself rapidly over the dome and swinging across to dive at Bro's stiff back. His brother heard the creak of the metal and turned but Dave's momentum still hit him full in the chest, forcing him to the ground. They struggled violently, free hands both clutching at sword-bearing wrists, until Bro managed to pick up enough force to spin them and force Dave to the ground beneath him, face twisted in actual anger for the first time Dave could remember.

"You think I wanted to fuck this up? It might fucking shock you but I actually give a fuck about that kid so shut up!"

"Holy shit." Dave stared, then regained awareness of his situation and folded his legs in, kicking Bro hard in the tense abdomen and sending him back enough to get back to his feet. "You're actually hot for him, aren't you? Holy shit."

"Shut the fuck up you little smug prick!"

Bro grabbed the rails and pulled up onto them, diving for the ladder and cracking Dave's face with one boot as he leapt. Dave staggered and tried to blink away the ringing in his ears as he heard Bro drop again, but a hand had grabbed his hair and slammed his face into the rails before he could manage it. Desperately, he flailed with his fist, and to his shock Bro must've been so focused on holding him down it actually impacted his jaw, his brother letting go and swearing as Dave unsteadily leant back on the bar and stared at the sliding double image of the larger man. He'd dropped his sword, he noticed through the buzzing mess in his head. That gave him a really stupid idea.

"You know what? He's better off without you." He slurred, and Bro fixed on him with an angry snarl. "You've already fucked him up enough."

Bro lunged.

Dave sidestepped and grabbed his stupid spiked hair, smashing him into the metal and then wrenching his head back to place his sword blade over his throat. Bro locked up, hands clenching and releasing as he realised his sword was no longer in them, Dave's body pressing him forward against the railings as soon as he tried to use his legs.

The younger Strider hocked a wad of bloody spit past him, panting and waiting for his head to stop spinning as Bro let out a frustrated growl.

"Give, you stupid fuck." Dave said coldly, too dazed to even really realise what was happening. Bro shuddered, then raised his empty palms and slumped as Dave slipped the sword away and swooned backwards, just catching the ladder to steady himself. "Ha! Ha..."

"Fuck you." Bro hissed, producing his glasses and shoving them into Dave's free hand. He blinked down at them blankly, realisation just starting to dawn. "Taking advantage of a bad fucking day, asshole."

"I beat you."

"Go to hell."

"Holy fuck, I actually-" Dave looked up and his brother was gone, vanished over the side to ninja the fuck down the building below. He took a step forward to follow but just unsteadily slumped to one side, laughing weakly and groaning as he gave in and collapsed to lie down on the dirty metal floor.

"You magnificent fuck." He told the sky, dropping his sword so he could fumble out his phone and typing slowly, having to blink several times and squinting to actually see the screen.

TG: rose
TG: i think i might be dying
TG: so like hurry on back and be my hero and shit
TG: but i did it
TG: i just kicked bros ass

Dave took a deep breath and gave a woozy smile, pretty sure he was about to pass out.

TG: thats really all there is to say on the matter

He was unconcious moments after hitting send, spiked shades still clutched triumphantly in his other hand.

Chapter Text

"A'ight, my precious babies. Rosey, for once, suggested somethin' that actually sorta sounds fun so what the hell my other plans were drinkin' lets do her thing instead. Not that I won't be enjoying a lil tipple, responsibly. Jakey if you just snorted imma gone come over there an' introduce you to miss harpoon. You didn't? Great! That's what I thought."

"Where's Dave?" John mumbled to Rose, looking for the fiftieth time along the table they had been summoned around, Mom sat on the head of it in a fur lined, tight cut pink coat and waving her glass like a royal sceptre. Everyone was there but the noticeably absent Striders, and given shit and the handle were likely due in court at any moment, John hadn't been able to help but chew his lip and fidget all through Mom's slurred preamble.

"He has a headache." Rose replied calmly, turning and holding his gaze. John groaned quietly at her perfectly unreadable features, swearing she'd also learnt at whatever school of expression Bro and Dave had. "I am sure he will be fine."

"He's going to lose so badly." John muttered, dropping his voice. Rose paused, then gave a subtle nod, turning back to where Mom was explaining about how to sled in her typical, sensical fashion (you...like...there's a board, an' you you jump a bit and wiggle an' go wheeeee!) and leaving John with his concerns confirmed and feeling both in awe and furious at Dave.

The sledding trip...

...was a distaction.

He groaned quietly and weighed up the odds of being able to avoid going, but they were so stacked against him it was almost funny contemplating the idea at all. Not to mention since she had turned up Jade had kept on giving him little meaningful glances and bouncing up and down and impatiently rolling her eyes like an excited puppy. He had a feeling if he slipped away she would instantly announce he was gone.

"Alright cuties, I have the glamorousest snow gear for y'all, come get it. Jake, no, no shorts. Nope. Jakey. Yes, you go and change, mister smart guy." Mom watched him go, then smiled along at all of them. "We're either gonna have a great time or die, guys! Let's try an' stick to the first one, mmmkay?"

John had barely moved when Jade sprung at him, grabbing his shoulders and shaking them hard enough his glasses started jumping down his nose. "JOHN!" She squeaked, and he nodded in a daze, groaning when she stopped shaking him. "Oh! Sorry! I'm just so excited!"

"...um. About sledding?"

"No!" She punched his shoulder like he had been joking, then gave a smile that lit up her whole face. "About living with you, stupid!"

John blinked at her.

"...you what?"

"Dad said he doesn't want me going back to the island all alone because Mom reminded him everyone should have a family so he said I can come and live with you guys so both of us won't be alone anymore! Gosh, John, I'm so excited!"

"I..." Jade was going to live with him? Jade was going to live with him! He squealed quietly, starting to match her bouncing as he took it in. "Oh my God! Jade!"

"John!"

"Jade!"

"John!"

She swamped him in her huge arms and shook with excited giggles against him as he cuddled back, breaking apart with almost identical grins even if her's was a foot above his.

"This is going to be so cool!" John clapped his hands, and she nodded emphatically. "Oh wow! You're actually going to stay! I'll actually have someone to do stuff with! Wow!"

"As much as I regret having to break up this touching moment, I think Mother is on the verge of harpooning you if we do not go and collect our no doubt hideous outfits." Rose patted their shoulders, giving them a sympathetic smile and then more forcefully turning them away from each other. "I am happy for both of you. Perhaps we should wait until Dave has finished with...his headache, and then all of us can share in your joy together?"

John nodded, and tried to focus on getting ready, but he couldn't stop bouncing all the way down the garden path once they had dressed like suitably coloured marshmallow men (even if English had to be threatened into his clothes by a cheerful but terrifying Mom), thoughts of Dave's impending doom suddenly blissfully far from his mind.

Sledding had been...an experience. At first, staring down the steep incline, he'd been a little afraid, but soon John was having a great time. Dad helped him get the hang of it, and he was starting to relax! This wasn't scary at all!

Then with a roar of "GERONIMO!" English and Jade had rocketed past him, sharing a sled, and crashed spectacularly into a giggling mess of limbs and snow, and nope, sledding was terrifying, he was just going to be over there on that smaller hill thank you very much.

Rose convinced him to sled with her, which was fine until Mom turned it into some sort of race and he was being pulled in a loop of break neck speeds and weak protests that maybe he'd had enough as she swept him back up to the crest of the hill.

Jane rescued him after a while, and at a more relaxed rate he actually enjoyed himself a lot, the rush of the wind on his face and the thrill of the descent. It was actually great! The others could be fast and do what they wanted, he and Jane were fine just doing their own little thing, and their little thing was a ton of fun. She was good at steering and he was good at getting the sled back up to the top, so they made quite a good team, and even though he hadn't really spoken to Jane before, she was nice and fun and great...

...and a baker. He took it all back.

Before he could launch into his planned lecture on the evils of the Batterwitch, Mom was calling them all down, Rose beside her and sliding her phone back away.

"Time to go home, cuties! Mumma needs food an' she's run outta drink. Hurry the heck up okay?"

John groaned but obediently trudged down the hill, Jane drifting almost instantly to English as Jade beelined back to him. She was giggling and her cheeks were reddened and her nose was running for miles. She nudged his shoulder and grinned.

"Dad says it snows in Washington! Snow is so great, I don't really get it on the island!" Her smile softened and she slung a puffy arm around him. "It's going to be so great, John. Just. The best thing ever!"

"Yeah." He beamed, then glanced around and aimed them for Rose. "Has Dave got over his headache, yet?"

She smiled slyly, inclining her head. "He tells me he beat it in the end."

"He beat it?"

"Apparently. He also said he is dying, so I imagine it wasn't the cleanest of victories, but I doubt that will dampen his mood. I suggest we get back and rescue him from whatever predicament he has been left in?"

"Oh my God, he's going to be stuck on a roof, isn't he?"

"Highly likely."

"How the fuck are we going to get him down from there?"

"I am unsure. It depends on the extent of the injuries he has sustained."

"I really wish he'd just let...let his headache blow over!"

"He is Dave. You know as well as the only option he ever considered was facing it head on, whatever the cost."

They were both distracted as Jade snorted and frowned beside them, looking bemused. She shrugged, then finally offered, "I'm not saying Dave's sort of weird, but, well...you know," she rolled her eyes, "when normal people want to get rid of a headache? They just sorta take painkillers."

Chapter Text

He had never been so proud of Dave in his life.

He had also never wanted to kill him quite so much.

Bro had ended up swinging back in through the window of his room and setting about his bruises and bleeding nose in the bathroom, cleaning and putting cold packs on and then adding bandaged compresses anywhere he felt needed it. In the end he didn't looked the worst he ever had, but he was pretty sure he had a new crook in his nose that was going to last, a memento of the first time Dave actually got the better of him.

A flutter of pride rose in him, but his fury stomped all over it.

That had been playing fucking dirty and Dave knew it. The little shit had planned it, giving up the shades so he could spot his tells more clearly, goading him with the one thing that had actually hit hard enough he lost his cool. His eyes found themselves in the mirror, golden and narrow and frustrated. Dave had known right where to aim, because his eyes were like fucking windows and no matter how perfect the rest of his pokerface, he had never been able to overcome how much emotion poured out in his gaze. He relied on his stupid anime mask.

Now pride in himself meant he would stomach the price of his loss, which meant putting himself on display in a way he hated with a vengeance.

"Little shit." He said aloud, rubbing his eyes with the balls of his hands. "Never shoulda taught him that crap."

Bro sighed and dropped his hands back to lean on the sink, face slipping to a calmer expression as he examined his features critically. Without his shades, his face altered, more visibly narrow and with high cheekbones that were thicker with freckles than the rest of his cheeks. His eyebrow were heavier, not thinned by hiding glass, and his eyes themselves were lined a little with the first real signs of age, heavy-lidded and that mutant colour he'd always been told almost glowed in the right light. He wasn't...bad looking, he guessed, running a hand over his sideburns. He just didn't look young anymore, and that sort of shook him, inside.

He looked to his unpacked but as of yet unused razor, then sighed and lifted it, grumbling about still having years in him yet as he tilted his head to and fro.

The thing buzzed into life, and with one last moment of hesitation, he set about his purpose with a determined if wavering frown.

He unpacked his clothes and laid them on the bed, looking for his second pair of shades. He wouldn't wear them, no, he'd agreed to the terms and he would stick to them no matter how it stung, but he was bored and he needed something to do.

His clothes themselves were fairly dull, an assortment of shirts (usually white) with black slacks and jeans. He had his favourite ironic hoodie but he was trying to avoid going outside as much as possible, so it was yet to be worn. He did not do cold. Roxy knew this. She knew this very well. His cap had vanished at some point the first night, no doubt into Roxy's grubby hands, and would probably reappear shortly before he left. She'd hated that thing since Caliborn had bought it for him, way back at college. He doubted she would stop hating it any time soon.

After his clothes came the various pieces of technology he'd brought to tinker with - a suped up tablet, his favourite laptop, his portable decks. They were placed reverently to one side, and he considered wasting the night on them, but he doubted he could get out of dinner, and after being trounced by Dave he was going to need sleep. Stupid Dave. He started muttering again as he searched about, then grimaced and shifted the presents he'd packed to check under them as well.

He finally found the long, padded black box he was looking for, setting it off on the dressing table before packing some of his things away again, as always. Always be ready to leave on a moment's notice, that was one of his rules, and it had served him well in the past. Force of habit from the days waking up in the morning could mean being thrown into a car and taken to yet another new family, never being told why.

Bro sat and caught his reflection in the mirror, once more vaguely pleased with how young he actually looked, clean shaven and with his sideburns narrowed and actually neat. Apparently giving a fuck took years off his face, so he guessed he'd start giving a fuck more often. He'd missed looking at his reflection without glaring at it.

Right then. He ejected his toolbox from his sylladex, pulled out the wireless encrypted transceiver for his phone he'd tuned to the right frequency, and after setting up his little space with the perfectly lined up instruments and ordering that spoke of a recovering obsessive compulsive, he opened the box and delicately took out his other pair of glasses, setting them down and jolting them back into life with a few small adjustments before he set them on his nose. He flinched, quickly taking them off and adjusting the frames to accommodate for the new, sensitive bump across the bridge of his nose, and this time settled them more easily, picking up his phone and waiting for the things to recalibrate after so long shut down.

He hadn't abandoned the project, exactly. Just rarely had free time and drive to complete it at the same time, with work, and Dave, and his general lack of care about anything, somedays. It was a little frustrating, the days he cared enough about it to actually think so, because it had been so near completion when he left it to sit that if he could just find one last ounce of real push he could have it done in hardly any time at all.

For now, at least, it served as a distraction from boys with eyes like sky and brothers with something to prove, and that was enough reason to keep his attention.

His phone beeped and his view changed as a wave swept from the bridge to the tips of the lenses, outlining the shapes before him with faint red lines and a light black grid mapping the extent of the actual room. He allowed it a moment to register the information before he waved at his reflection, and a blinking red line appeared as though floating in midair to the left of his vision.

> How long has it been this time.

"A few years, maybe. Ain't totally sure. Can't you check? You're the fucking supercomputer."

> I see we are still a total asshole.

He snorted, leaning his head on a hand. "Like that's ever gonna change."

> There is a statistical chance it could, given the correct alignment of the stars and a sudden rise in the number of swine exhibiting avian traits.
> But if I had breath to abuse, I doubt I would be holding it.
> Hello again, Bro. I assume for me to be functional and being worked upon something has happened to put you in a foul enough mood my continuation actually became a preferable option.
> There is a 98.665% chance you are going to ignore that question and refuse to talk about it, so again, consider my hypothetical breath unheld.
> Whatever it was, however, I must thank it for reminding you I still exist.
> I think I am going to set some processes to trawl the Internet and see what events and advances I have missed during my latest forced hibernation. Being myself, this will hardly distract me from our gripping conversation of you moodily adjusting me in silence while I try to gain assurances you are not going to just trap me back in a box again once this is over.
> You know you are yet to even actually greet me. You are hurting my nonexistent feelings, Bro.

"Dirk, shut up."

> Already I remember why I love our little chats. We are such an excellent conversationalist.

He grimaced and considered putting the dumbass away, but instantly his mind began slipping towards territory he didn't want to dwell on. With a sigh he set to work improving the body and mind resting on his nose, and after a while, as his bitterness faded to the soothed calm working on his devices always brought him, he found himself reading through the stream of messages being sent to him with a small spark of almost fatherly emotion, struggling to remember why he'd ever stopped working on Dirk at all.

Chapter Text

"He's an idiot."

Rose looked up at John from where she was knelt beside where Dave was still unconcious, a blanket now over him and a hot water bottle tucked under his arm. She arched an eyebrow slowly, then carefully observed, "This is only just occuring to you now?"

"No, I mean. I've known for ages he's a massive, stupid jerk sometimes." John huffed out a puff of hot air, then folded his arms and pulled a face. "I just don't know what to do about him being a massive, stupid nice guy. When he's a dick I can get mad at him for being so dumb. When he's trying to do a good thing, I sort of feel really pleased he'd do that for me? Even if I'm totally mad he strifed with Bro because I told him not to and I didn't want either of them getting hurt!"

"...He cares about you, and he saw someone upset you. Ever the valiant knight, he rose to defend your honour." John blushed, and she chuckled, turning her attention back to where her graceful fingers were shifting his hair to take a good look at the clear bruise spreading over his whole cheek. "Dave does not think in outcomes and aftermaths, John, he thinks in terms of the now, and what he did, whilst foolish, was simply his way of expressing his desire to protect you from all harm, in this case projected onto his brother. He would do a lot, to keep you safe. He would always have done so, and I cannot help but think that desire will only grow worse now you have had physical contact."

"Is it...because..." Wow, he didn't know how to phrase the question. Rose seemed to understand, giving a dainty shrug.

"You are his best friend, the first person he felt anything vaguely romantic for, and closer to him than I think anyone else will ever be, unfortunately including his current romantic prospect. Any chance of him forgetting that and slipping away was lost in meeting you in person. I am certain even the few days we have so far had together will probably cement whatever bond you share long into the rest of our lives. Some friends come and go, but some comprehend us on a level that means they will last forever, should we give them the chance. Mother and Bro, I think, may be an example of that. I am entirely certain you and Dave are similarly so."

"And you, and Jade, come on! I mean, it's all four of us, right?"

"John whilst I love you dearly as a friend I am not sure I would have risked my wellbeing quite as drastically as Dave has done in response to merely seeing you cry. If you were actually in danger, yes, I believe I would defend you, but I do not think my limits would have been quite so all encompassing as Dave's appear to be."

"...yeah, well. He's still an idiot." John responded fondly. Rose smiled, shaking her head.

"The crucial distinction, is Strider is our idiot, and he always will be. I need to go and see about getting some help to move him, as I doubt he will be up to the ladder down. Would you sit with him? If he wakes up tell him to try and lie still if there is any pain in his neck, would you?"

He nodded and took her place as she vanished over the side of the rails, clanking out of sight and hearing and leaving him and Dave alone, shivering, wishing he'd left on his stupid puffy coat before they'd climbed up here. The floor was surprisingly warm (apparently Mom insisted on heating it, which Rose muttered about being a stupid waste of money) but there was a chill wind that was still enough to make anything above that floor absolutely icy cold. John hugged himself and look out over the grounds they'd recently been exploring, smiling to himself at the landscape and the frozen lake that surrounded him. Up here, everything looked so small and picturesque! Even though the wind was chilly, it was comforting, reminding him he was out, free, in the big wide world.

John sighed and looked down at Dave, wincing at the bruise and frowning at the thought it was sort of because of him. He didn't like the idea Dave was willing to get hurt for something so small! He knew Dave and Bro fought, he'd know it for years, whether or not he believed it, but he usually saw the damage after it was cleaned up and hidden under plaster and bandage. He'd didn't think he'd ever actually seen Dave with a bruise like that before. It look painful, and horrible, red and already a little purple in places. Delicately, John touched his own cheek and frowned deeply, reaching down and pushing back the blonde's bangs like Rose had done to see where the red was creeping up to just edge his eye.

"Stupid." John told him quietly, letting the hair fall back into place.

Dave gave a soft snort. "...yeah." He mumbled, as John gave a relieved and surprised gasp, shifting to kneel and actually look down at him properly when his red eyes cracked opened a sliver. "You keep saying that, jackass. I got the message."

"You're awake! Rose went to get-"

"I know. I've been awake for about ten minutes. Ain't my fault my voice only just decided to work."

John shrugged, quickly grabbing out his phone and messaging Rose to tell her Dave was concious and seemed okay. Dave groaned quietly beyond the screen he was focused on, mumbling to himself about fucking asshole still does me in when I fucking win that isn't fair. By the time John was sliding it away again, the Texan was sitting up and staring down at the glasses in his hand, resting on the pool of blanket that had fallen from his torso into his lap, an awed smile playing on his face.

"Ha. I actually fucking beat the douche." He triumphantly waved the shades at John. "No glasses for the holiday, man, that was the forfeit. He's gonna hate every second of it."

"Why? They're just glasses."

"Duh, because he can't fucking hide what he's thinking without them. It's how I won. It's his like, his greatest weakness-"

"His greatest weakness is long rambling metaphors."

"What?"

"Uh...never mind!"

Dave shrugged and turned the shades over a few times, briefly trying them on and snorting. "Wow, flashback." He muttered, before taking them back off and offering them to John. "You keep hold of them. A trophy or whatever. I did all this shit 'cause a you."

"Yeah, I know, and you shouldn't have, Dave!" John took them reluctantly, but he still toyed fondly with them, something Dave's gaze instantly dropped to.

There was a pause, for a few moments, before the Strider sighed and glumly leant back on his arms.

"Dammit, John. You really like him, don't you?"

"...I think so." He replied sheepishly, head dropping. He still didn't want to say it for sure, he really didn't, but the chances of it not being true were getting smaller, even he could see that. Every time he thought about it the argument was getting more one sided. Even now, looking down at Bro's shades, some of the concern for Dave had been swamped by the excitement of seeing his eyes. Wow, he was crushing so badly. He resisted the urge to slap his face and instead looked up to his best friend-

-who proceeded to kiss him, lightly, on the lips, before sitting back and giving him an impassive look.

John blinked at him, touching them, and Dave shrugged as he flicked out his aviators and pushed them up his nose with his middle finger.

"For science." He drawled, waving the hand dismissively as he lowered it. "And 'cause I wanted to do that so long may as well take advantage of you getting all weird about kissing. Just need Harley now, man, that'll be the whole set."

"I'd get sorta worried Bec taught Jade to kiss so she'd just sorta slurp my face."

"Oh man, that would be just...John, if that isn't true, I'm gonna be crushed, man, you've got my hopes up that there's gonna be the full raised by wolves shit going down there. If it turns out she's all civilised all the joy will be gone from my world, Santa ain't real and the Easter Bunny's dead, kids, 'cause Harley isn't the sweet ass jungle girl she totally could be."

"Pffff. Over dramatic, much?"

"Nope, that's just the way shit is, gotta live with it, Egbert."

John smiled, cheeks still pink from the cold and other things, and warmly watched his idiot ramble on about nothing until Rose reappeared with English, and despite Dave's protests he was hoisted over one of the tan man's shoulders, complaining bitterly all the way back down to the warmth and safety of the lounge.

Chapter Text

TG: drik get ur ass out here rite now
TG: im havin my hole family her ok lyk it or not
TG: u r a part of my famly u r one o my bbys
TG: so get the fuk down here mr
TG: i got fud to eat an ur holdin me up
TG: o an nice shiner on davey
TG: but pls dont beet up kids at xmas ok
TG: dad is not happy w/ u
TG: an that man can do things dirk
TG: teribul things
TG: u dont even no
TG: so ern bk sum favor
TG: AN GET THE FCUK BK OUT HERER
TG: ;3

"...fuck. Guess I'm going to dinner. Sorry, Dirk, you gotta chill in here awhile."

> Do you have to leave me in here?
> Can't you just wear me out there?

"...no. I told you about the strife, man, you know glasses aren't an option."

> We've really let ourself go if a fifteen year old child is able to beat us in a strife, Bro.

"Shut up, he played fucking dirty. It isn't my fault."

> I will just be here, perusing the entireity of the internet, then. I see the website is going well. To think we started that as an ironic statement against the very industry we now appear to be single-handedly supporting.
> Leave me Cal as company, would you? Don't lie you don't have him, I know myself too well.

Bro grimaced and slid the glasses off, setting then down gently on the desk with legs out to keep them propped up. As he stood he ejected Cal into his hand, giving a weary sigh and positioning him on the chair to face Dirk, waving a hand and muttering, "knock yourself out, dude."

For the first time in quite a while, he changed into one of his smarter, full-sleeved shirts, doing up the cuffs and buttons as he paced into the bathroom and made sure he actually looked vaguely groomed. He hesitated when he raised a gloved hand to sweep back through his hair, then groaned and popped open the studs on both wrists, pulling off the pair of them and chucking them onto the small shelf above the sink. He flexed his naked feeling hands, then slowly smoothed his hair and brushed his bare chin again, just avoiding his own gaze. Well, he guessed he could still clean up pretty well when he wanted to. He hadn't looked this good since prom.

Well, may as well get this over with.

He sighed again and headed out of the room, trudging down the corridor but pulling it back to his usual stride by the time he emerged. Roxy was waiting, draped over the banister of the stairs near the corridor's entrance, and her face split into a broad smile when he rolled his eyes at her, her eyebrows wiggling back.

"My my Mister Strider, lookit, you actually kinda look respeca--repect--like a grown up."

"I try."

"No you don't, silly, you just think you do! Everyone will think you've gone mad, baby."

"Like I wasn't mad from the start?"

She cackled and straightened, sweeping ahead to lead the way to the dining table, and Bro reluctantly followed in her wake. Roxy leapt into her seat as soon as they were in the room, which pulled several people's attention up towards him, as he tried his best to stop any signs of discomfort showing on his face. That was not helped by Dave snickering into his drink, and Jake wolf whistling at him, and Roxy announcing loudly to Dad that "look, see, Mister Strider's an adult after all!"

He sat beside Dave and elbowed him sharply as Dave pointedly adjusted his aviators, bringing forth another chortle even while his brother rubbed his arm. Without his customary glance up - he didn't really like the idea of meeting anyone's gaze - he started eating, cursing his sensitive ears picking up at least two conversations about him (Roxy and Jane reminiscing about prom, reminded just like he had been, Jake and Jade marvelling at his eyes for different reasons) and the constant low snicker coming from just to his side. Dave was an asshole. Any pride he'd had was currently drowning in utter frustration. Stupid brat.

At least dinner tasted better, tonight, clearly all some creation of Dad's. His mood was already pretty near rock bottom, wasn't much that could actually make it worse.

Except, no. Dave found a way.

"Like your new glasses, John?"

The way the little shit drawled it pointedly in his direction made Bro's eyes flick up, and as soon as they did he cursed himself because it was to his shades hanging on the front of John's shirt, glittering familiarly in the light, darkening out the ghost they were hiding. John giggled nervously and clearly kicked Dave under the table, and that just pulled his eyes up until for the first time that day his gaze was on John's face, red across his cheeks and an anxious smile between them. Bro swallowed the mouthful he'd been eating and just briefly enjoyed looking him over while his focus was on Dave, glancing back down and over his wide shoulders and his fairly firm arms, skin a golden tan he hadn't really noticed before but that was probably from his 'coreen' ancestry. Then he realised where his mind was drifting and quickly dropped his gaze again, deciding despite his common sense to shoot one last glance up at his face.

His uncovered eyes met blue, brilliant blinding blue, and John's smile dropped a little as Bro's eyes widened. Had his eyes always been that colour? His shades had totally ruined them, because he'd thought they were sky before, but they were something else, something unnatural, so vivid and bright it was like a colour someone would paint eyes with on a doll. Nothing he'd ever seen really compared to them, and that was with a brother whose eyes shone ruby red. John stared back, and for a second Bro thought it would just last forever, their gazes locked and unmoving and mesmerised.

Rose nudged John as she leant for some salt, and he blinked, snapping both of them out of it and giving a nervous laugh a second later. Bro instantly focused on eating like it was the most interesting fucking thing in the world, knowing his cheeks had gone a little red and his heart was pounding in his ears.

Stupid, stupid crush.

He was thankful the meal passed in relative silence after that, other than the odd nervous burst of giggling from across the table, and the odd muttered comment from beside him, too low and rapid to hear.

He headed to bed as soon as Roxy reluctantly gave him permission to, which due to some incessant bothering and a little pleading was almost straight after the plates had been cleaned up. Dinner was over, he had survived, the comments about his eyes were over and he could just go back to his room and work on Dirk to his heart's content. Dave's smug parting shot about getting some more practise in was brushed off with a roll of his eyes, and then he was home free, ready to vanish into the shadows and down to his bedroom.

"Um, I think I'm gonna head to bed too, Dave! Goodnight!"

Bro groaned inwardly and kept walking, keeping his gaze ahead when he heard the rapid footsteps and then felt the presence down by his left arm.

"...I can't believe your eyes are gold." John told him cheerfully, and he could hear the clicking of the kid fiddling with his shades. "I've never seen anyone with eyes like yours!"

"Seems to be a theme in our little group." He replied sagely, shrugging one shoulder. John giggled, but it was soft and had a completely different tone than it had at the table. It was calm and comfortable and warm. He...he thought he liked hearing that one. "Goodnight, kid."

"...Can't we just talk? For a while?" Carefully, John linked their arms, and now the other end of the corridor was the most fascinating fucking thing in existence. "I mean I'm not really that tired."

"Why did you wanna go to bed, then?"

"Why did you?"

Bro frowned, warily shooting a quick glance down at him that jolted back ahead the moment John started to look up from their looped arms. "...I'm working on something. Wanted to get some shit done before I crash."

"What sort of something?"

"...a computer program." He chose his words carefully.

"What sort of program? What does it do?"

"Jesus, you writing a fucking book or something? It's a...an Auto Responder. To take messages for me. That's all."

"Would you show me it?"

Bro knew he really shouldn't look down, he knew what was waiting, but he gave a soft exasperated sigh and turned his head down to John, a frisson of some new feeling shooting up his spine as he once more found himself drowning in blue. He felt his gaze soften, and John clearly noticed, from the way his mouth twitched up at the corners and tugged himself closer to his arm. The little buzz in his chest was back, but this time he decided to relax, a little, and not try and force it down.

"...guess I could. You gotta promise to keep it a secret, though."

"You have my solemn word." John put a hand over his heart, over the shades, and as it dropped from the oath it caught the lens and started toying with them again. "Thanks."

For trusting me. He didn't need to ask this time. Bro let him stay on his arm as he led him into the room, and John abruptly tensed. "...John? What's-?"

"Bro oh my God make the puppet go away oh my God you brought it why would you bring it?" John's voice climbed in pitch and Bro laughed, captchaloguing Cal and ruffling the kid's hair with a smirk. "Shut up! That thing...is..." It trailed off, before abruptly John gave him the broadest smile. "I made you laugh."

"Maybe." He replied, letting the smirk dissolve. "Come on, sit down."

"Okay! Hey, no fair, you have another pair of glasses! Dave said these were your only pair!"

"Well...these ones aren't the sort I'd wear out a lot, okay?" He pulled out his phone and set up a connection, streaming the conversation to his screen and instantly getting a who exactly am I looking at here pop up on screen. "Right, sit still. He, uh...you can just talk, okay? Sorry if he's an asshole. He's kind of...based on me."

"Who is?" John asked curiously, shifting to get comfortable as Bro gingerly raised the glasses and carefully set them on his face, just in front of his normal glasses. The moment they were settled Bro's phone buzzed, and he quickly glanced down at it, keeping one eye on John to make sure the glasses stayed in place.

> I am.
> Who the fuck are you?

"Um. John?"

> Then hello, Um John. I am Bro Strider's Auto Responder, although you may call me by my preferred, designated name, 'Dirk'.
> I was designed to be indistinguishable from my creator and at the point of his nineteenth birthday was 99.874% identical to him in personality and knowledge. At some point in the many, many years following he managed to fuck that up completely and the comparable number is now so insignificant even I, with a brain the size of a planet, would struggle to find it given access to the most powerful atomic microscopes on Earth.
> You are the first human being other than the fantastic douchebag behind you I have been allowed to talk to, so I will savour this time with you immensely, and request only one thing:
> Um John. Get me the fuck out of this room.

Bro snorted, typing back a quick sup, Dirk. Reading this, y'know and getting a variety of colourful swearwords back in different languages and character sets. John was still staring into the glass, then finally managed only a squeak.

> Well I can see why you like this one, Bro, what an excellent talker, just like us.

"Bro, Bro, oh my God, your glasses are talking to me!"

> No shit.

"Oh my God!"

> I notice you haven't helped with my bid for freedom yet, Um John.

"Bro. You made talking glasses."

> Holy fuck, Bro, please invent me both hands and a face because I need to put those two things together so hard a metaphor just won't suffice right now.

Bro stared between them, and he barely noticed his prior concerns had been washed away under a more urgent stream of though.

Don't laugh don't laugh don't laugh.

> You know it always felt innappropriate to say these things before, given it was only us.
> But looking back it really was only a matter of time until a golden opportunity presented itself.
> Bro. Check it out. I'm riding Um John. I'm riding Um John good.

He broke and laughed loudly at the squeal John gave, catching the shades just as John managed to fumble them off in a panic, rubbing his nose as though the idea of the shades sitting there was suddenly the filthiest thing in the world.

Chapter Text

Bro was still chuckling to himself when he put the glasses back down on the desk, and John watched him with a blush over his cheeks, eyes darting to and fro across his features. He'd really cleaned himself up, and it brought out the fact he was stupidly handsome and being this close to him was making John's heart doing a fucking tap dance and his head melt into a mess of barely sensible thoughts. John swallowed as Bro straightened again, fingers stroking the edge of the dark glass dangling on his chest. Stupid crush. Stupid, stupid crush.

"So yeah, that's Dirk. Pretty cool, huh?"

"Yeah." John blushed and smiled. "Even if he is sort of...weird."

"Just like his creator then." Bro shrugged, moving to his bed and shifting his bag off of it, neatly starting to move crisply folded clothes into his beside drawers as pulled them out one by one. "I seriously think I'm gonna sleep now, kid, I sorta had a bad day with Dave and all that shit." Okay, was it normal to notice how tight people's trousers were when they bent down? Because that was happening every time he leant down right now. John fidgeted. "But...I mean, you're welcome to come hang out some more tomorrow, I guess?"

The bed was empty and Bro sat on the edge, stretching his arms wide and putting a hand to his neck to crack it as he looked over at John. "C'mon, shift before I carry you."

John had the stupidest, stupidest idea. He took a deep breath in through his nose, then bounced up and in several almost skipping strides he was in front of Bro, heat flashing over his face and up his ears as the amber regarded him warily, Bro's shoulders suddenly tense.

"John-"

"Just...a cuddle? Before I go?" John mumbled earnestly, searching his gaze and revelling in actually seeing it. "Please."

Slowly, cautiously, Bro nodded and went to stand, but before he could John had sprung into his lap, arms wrapping around his shoulders and pulling him close. He shifted, maybe uncomfortably, then he was hugging back, around his waist, and John smiled into his shoulder, just happy to be held close, for a while.

He liked Bro's hugs. They were big, warm, and he could feel the older man relax into them after a while, curving in and and around John so he ended up nestled up against his chest and could feel Bro's steady breaths, swelling and falling beneath his sturdy breast. As they were now, John's head on his shoulder, John could hear them, too, and he could almost feel the beat of his heart through his back, hand flattening and exploring a little until he found the best place to catch the drumming rhythm.

The hug was lasting much longer than the ones had done before, but John didn't mind, shivering and squeezing closer when he felt one of Bro's broad hands start to rub up and down his spine. If he had a tail it would be wagging, he decided, when the flat rub turned to nails lightly scratching up and down his back. He giggled softly into Bro's shoulder and heard the contented sigh that it produced in response, smiling to himself.

"Kid." Bro murmured, simply, like it meant something. John sat up and looked down into his practically glowing, golden eyes, hands still loosely around his neck. It was like Bro took a moment to remember he was meant to be speaking, because then he cleared his throat and jerked his head towards the door. "Bed now, okay?"

"Okay." He didn't want to go, but he hardly had a choice! John sighed, and paused as he was about to let go, cursing his mind for continuing to come up with stupid ideas as he squeezed Bro a little closer. "Um..."

Bro tensed as he leant down, and John paused for a second, expecting to be stopped, eagerly closing the gap when he was allowed to do so. He just lightly pressed their lips together, but it was relaxed, and felt good, and normal, and that was enough.

"Um. Goodnight, Bro." He murmured, as he sat back and his arms slipped away from the Strider's strong shoulders.

"Goodnight." Bro replied quietly, answering all of John's unsaid questions in his bright and confused golden eyes.

Chapter Text

The door shut softly behind John, latch clicking into place, and he stared at it a while longer, pulse still quick and his lap feeling light now the weight on it was gone. His daze didn't dim until his phone vibrated loudly in his pocket, and he groped for it until he pulled it out, focusing on the screen.

> What exactly was I watching there?
> Because it looked a lot like us making out with a boy the same age as Dave.
> Bro, were we just making out with a boy the same age as Dave?

"No..."

> Well thank fuck for

"...He's a couple a months younger?"

Dirk stayed silent for a while to process that, and Bro snorted to himself as his own statement actually occurred to him, a slight queasiness replacing the warm flutter when he started to strip for bed.

> The hands and face I asked for.
> I think I need them urgently.
> Or if you could just slap yourself silly that would suffice for the moment, I suppose.
> ...
> I take it he's the only new name on our chumroll since I last saw it.
> Have you actually read these conversations, Bro? This is terrible. You're going soft in our old age.
> We grew up to be an anime schoolgirl with a crush, apparently.
> Did Senpai notice you, Bro-chan? Is he sugoi?

"Shut up." He grumbled back, folding his arms and glaring at the glass. "I swear, I'll shut you down again you little shit."

He was actually in bed with the lights off by the time his phone vibrated again, and growled as he pulled it over to read it.

> Day one of my current consciousness, and I have learnt my creator is a tsundere asshole who just can't admit he likes the kawaii fuck in the next room
> Either he is aware of how stupid this is or I finally have concrete evidence of our divergence, given even I have been left wondering whether recent head injuries have left him so mentally fucked he thinks any of this is even remotely a good idea.
> I can only hope tomorrow will be more productive, and feel less like I am being forced to endure the plot of some terrible ecchi novel, lest my circuits short in protest at the idiocy before me.

Bro groaned and buried his head under his pillow, muttering about his stupid fucking glasses until he finally crashed into welcome sleep and dreamed of a cloudless summer day.

"Merry Christmas Eve Day!"

"Egbert, that isn't even a thing."

"Shut up, Dave!"

They elbowed each other in the ribs and then Dave was chasing John off into the newly decorated room, drawing Bro's attention past them and up to the tinselled and ribbon-hung walls, coloured to match glittering pink and purple snowflakes hung from the high ceiling, and the brilliant white tree that took up a whole corner of the room, covered with bright decorations and topped with a glass ball filled with lines of pink that almost resembled a spirograph from the angle he was looking up at it from. He didn't bother joining Jake in questioning how the hell Roxy had done all this overnight, knowing her far too well to expect an answer.

He smirked and moved forward to add his own metallic wrapped offerings to the sacrificial pile growing beneath the lowest synthetic branches, laying down each present with care in contrast to where Jade was just tipping a bag out and giggling at the avalanche that poured from it. It was beginning to feel a lot like Christmas. Only one old Roxy tradition remained.

On cue, a bright pink bundle stamped with silver cats was dropped in front of him, an elbow nudging his shoulder. "Crimbo eve prezzie. Be the hipster. Wear the sweater."

"Sorta hoped you'd stopped doing the shit sweater thing."

"Oh I totes have! Rosey hasn't." Roxy snickered as he unwrapped the fabric bundle, holding it up and looking over the armless knitted waistcoat that awaited him, striped in orange and golds, with a repeating smuppet pattern in all the colours of the rainbow. Bro resisted the temptation to actually smile. "I mighta given her some advice, I mean, but she said she knew just what'd get you in the spirit! And it's sex puppets. Yup. With Santa hats."

"This is the third greatest piece of clothing I have ever owned." He announced proudly, dragging it on over his head and glad he'd gone for long sleeves again. "I...I'm tearing up, Rox, this shit is a masterpiece."

"You look like a hipster douchebag."

"I know, isn't it great?"

Roxy laughed and then swept off with her sack of presents, tossing them to the people she passed and demanding they were all worn. Soon she was contentedly strutting about in her own, overlong pink sweater with a sickly sweet kitten embroidered on the front, approvingly looking over her daughter's handiwork. He noticed when he thanked her repeatedly that Rose's short sweater was purple with a black eldritch horror coiling over it, and that seemed fairly fitting. Dave was keen to show off his red sweater with Santa in his stupid comic style, and Bro didn't want to know how Rose had actually knitted jpeg artefacts, but she'd managed it. Of course the moment Dave then saw Bro's he went a little pale and rapidly absconded, muttering feverishly about quivering fucking plush rumps like he was having traumatic flashbacks.

Eh. He probably was.

Lunch was a buffet that he raided with ninja speed, settled quietly on one of the few armchairs away from the main gathering area before most of the others had even reached the table to get food at all. Reluctantly, he checked his phone, and sure enough there were a stream of messages from Dirk both about the world events he was catching up on and whether Bro had confessed to Um John yet. He didn't bother with an answer before he sighed and slid it back away.

"Hey, Bro!"

He was fairly startled John was actually addressing him outside of their rooms, so by the time he actually looked up the boy had hopped up onto the arm of his chair, giving him a broad, cheerful smile.

"'Sup." Bro mumbled back, looking back to his plate and picking at one of the strange little cheese and pineapple toothpick skewers he had been distractedly disassembling.

"You said we could hang out today." John prompted, after a few minutes of silence, nudging his arm gently. "Dave gave me his coolkid blessing and everything! Well, I mean, he rolled his eyes and said whatever, dude but from him that's practically a yes! So hi! We're hanging out now, yes we are."

Bro raised an eyebrow and John just smiled back, one of his frustratingly infectious smiles, slipping a little on the arm so he was more sitting leaning against Bro's side. It was more comfortable than it should have been, so he didn't bother pushing the kid back up. As he shrugged his other shoulder and started eating again he felt John shake with quiet laughter, and with head turned down he finally allowed himself a small and private smile.

Lunch was followed by John starting to ramble about films, and the conversation seemed to magically attract Jake, who ended up sat on the ground in front of them and excitedly joining in, Bro listening to the dorks ramble in a content silence.

Jake brushed his knee with his hand in passing, but he instantly felt John's hand tighten where it was resting 'accidentally' on his arm.

Bro raised an eyebrow at empty air, trying not to feel as pleased at the signs of jealousy as he inwardly actually did.

Dinner was followed by compulsory games, which were dull and just passing him by until abruptly an actual challenge reared its head.

"The fuck, Lalonde, that isn't a word!"

"I told you not to play Scrabble with her, Bro. I told you she pulls this shit."

"Oh for heaven's sake! Mister Egbert, please be a dear and pass me that dictionary so I can once more set a Strider's fragile mind to rest?"

There was one point in it, in the end, John said, but he refused to show them who it fell in favour of. They called a grudging but respectful truce.

Bro was pretty fucking sure he'd won. He hadn't got this good at rap without the complex vocabulary needed to back that shit up, even if he used it so rarely even Dave had accused him of cheating when he saw some of the words he was putting down.

By the time he escaped from the group he was yawning and collapsed into bed without bothering to undress, ignoring the angry buzzing from his phone other than drowsily flipping the bird at the glasses he could just feel glaring at him across the room.

Just before he fell asleep, he heard a soft voice call goodnight through his door, and was too tired to stop himself smiling into the dark, mumbling, "night John" at his pillow as for the second time he dreamed of the sky.

Chapter Text

At the crack of dawn he woke up with a smile on his face.

John bounced to his feet and ran to the window, looking out over the snow-smothered land beyond his window, turned golden by the creeping light of the rising sun. As long as he could remember, Christmas had arrived with the only exciting sight being the decorations on his never-seen neighbours' houses, and running out to bounce on Dad's bed until his father gave a weary smile and shuffled downstairs to let John tear into the small pile of presents waiting for him. They would sit and watch films together, eat Dad's prize roast dinner, and then usually strife the kitchen into a pudding-covered mess when he tried to get John to eat whatever baked horror he had created for that particular year. Covered in icing, they would collapse onto the sofa, and Dad would laugh, and tell John he was proud of him, and John would message all his friends and tell them all about his day as they told him all about theirs, until he fell asleep and his father carried him to bed, wishing him a Merry Christmas even when he thought John was still asleep and couldn't hear.

It was one of his favourite days ever, and he always looked forward to it for a month before it came!

And then Mom had turned up. And Christmas had got even better.

He had no idea where Dad was but there was no way he was going to let his traditions go to waste! Unable to contain his broad smile, he struggled out of his Ghostbusters onesie (no one could ever know) and into his jeans and the big knitted sweater Rose had made for him, the same blue as his eyes with fluffy white clouds that curled at their ends. Rose had made it! Rose. Who was here. At Christmas!

John allowed himself one manic giggle and excited clap before he put on his serious expression, holding it for all of a second before the smile exploded back across his face and he was grabbing Bro's glasses and a small wrapped box from his open bag, tearing out of the door and straight into the room across the hall.

Bro was still asleep, face-down on the bed in all his clothes, and John stopped and caught the door before it slammed against the wall and woke him up. He gingerly shut it, blushing a little as he looked over his sleeping friend (yes, Bro was still his friend, and that made his cheeks glow) and then creeping forward and putting the present down on the desk, unfolding the glasses he had also brought and then quickly swapping them for the pair already on the wood, making sure they were left in exactly the same place.

He put the shades carefully on his nose, and tried to supress his desire to giggle at his rising gambit as the red lined room briefly seemed to distort, then a large blinking cursor appeared right in front of him.

> I was wrong about you, Um John.
> Let us run away together, forever, far from where douchebags keep their artificial intelligences in cruel boxes.
> Far from tsundere fools.
> Or at the very least can we go look at the rest of the house because I mean, fuck, seriously, I know every single detail of this fucking room now, I swear to God.

"Okay!" John whispered back, "As long as you're nice this time!"

> Um John I will be the most angelic fucking being in existence, just get me the hell out of this room.

"Well duh, that's the plan! Merry Christmas, Dirk."

> It is Merry as fuck.
> I am going to get so Christmassy up in this fucking place.
> You're a motherfucking Christmas miracle, kid.

John grinned as he clipped the glasses to his front, then turned his attention back to the bed, chuckling softly when he realised Bro was actually snoring quietly into the pillow. When he was asleep he was kind of cute, like a big kitten. Wow, that was a weird thought and he was never going to think it again!

Deciding to move on swiftly, John took a running leap and jumped onto the bed, starting to bounce and laughing eagerly as he did. "Bro! Bro wake up it's Christmas!"

Bro stirred, and then abruptly he had rolled and grabbed John's legs out from under him, sending the boy toppling across his stomach with a surprised cry, which then descended into giggles. John jabbed him in the ribs and Bro let go, stretching his arms and then folding them behind his head.

"...what time is it?"

"Seven! I woke up later than normal."

"Holy shit, John." Bro groaned, face falling. "This is unholy, I've got human rights and my sleep is fucking one of them."

"Pfff, lies." John pushed himself back up, then shifted to hug him tightly, mumbling, "Merry Christmas, Bro," into his shoulder. Bro didn't tense at all, unfolding his arms and hugging back tightly, and that was just the best thing. It made John grin into the orange wool his face was pressed to.

"Merry Christmas, stupid." The Texan murmured, ruffling John's hair as the boy sat back and beamed, "Now let me go the fuck back to sleep."

"Nope. I brought you an early present!"

"...yeah, I didn't think that would work." Bro hoisted himself up and sat on the edge of the bed, straightening his clothes, clearly having no actual intention to change out of them. "Alright, I'm up. Gimme the bribe now, before I decide it ain't worth it."

John quickly skipped back to get the box, offering it out and blushing as Bro took it and carefully pried open the orange ribbon that was tied over the blue paper. "...I...it's only something small? I just thought you'd like it."

He unwrapped it fully and looked over the small, knitted doll inside the box, and John hesitated. Then Bro's mouth sort of twitched into almost a smile and he let out a relieved breath.

"This is the cutest fucking thing I have ever seen." Bro announced, lifting out the tiny copy of John Rose had knitted for him. "Oh my God, look at his tiny eyes. Look at them. Screw puppies, this thing is my new baseline for everything adorable, Christ." He sat in in the palm of his hand, glancing from it to John. "...okay, so, why do I have a lil John?"

"Well when you want to send me hugs you can use Mom. I...really don't think Dave would do the same for me? So tiny John! It makes sense."

Bro gave him a long, strange look, eyes soft but mouth not quite actually smiling, then looked back to the effigy as his cheeks turned just a little red.

"...thanks, kid." He murmured, running a thumb over the front of the doll. "I love it."

John grinned excitedly, a rush bursting through him, knowing no matter what the rest of the day held, this Christmas was already perfect.

"JOHN!"

As soon as he was out into the main family room he was surround by Harley arms, and being bounced along as she carried him back to the others. Jade dropped him in a pile in front of Dave and Rose, and John blinked a few times, before grinning.

"Merry Christmas!" He whooped, and they echoed it back while Jade dropped to sit beside him. "I'm so excited!"

"Totally couldn't tell with the whole screaming about it like a girl, Egderp." Dave rolled his eyes, "I'm just looking forward to a proper Christmas dinner, yo. Bro usually gives me shitty ramen and says that's my gourmet meal right there. Asshole."

"Dad said he's cooking a roast for everyone." Jade offered cheerfully, and John had a slight weird pang at her calling him Dad, because she coming back with them and that felt kind of weird? "I've never had a roast dinner before! Not that I can remember. I sort of just cook my food until it's edible, I don't really worry about all this fancy stuff people do over here!"

"Well Dad is the best at cooking!" John said proudly, before frowning. "But I bet there's cake! Bluuuuuh. He always sneaks it in somehow!"

"Holy shit, John, your Dad's cake are amazing, shut the fuck up. I could seriously eat those things forever." Dave! Traitor! John glared at him. "Look I don't care what weird shit you got with Betty Crocker, man, your Dad can come cook for me if you want, I would stuff myself stupid every day."

"Stupid Batterwitch. She has her fingers-"

"-in all the pies, we've heard this one before, Egbert."

"CHRERRY MISTMAS!" Mom slurred loudly from the stairway, and Rose quietly put a hand over her face as they all looked around. "Wait, no, fuck! Merry Christmas! That one. That's what I meant. Heyo babies! Mumma Rox is here now you may begin the fun times!" She staggered gracefully down, wearing a long red dress edged with white fluff, drinking sherry from her cocktail glass. "C'mon, I want presents! Everyone get yo asses to my tree!"

The group assembled around them, and John smiled broadly as he looked around at his friends, and Dad and Mom and Jane and-

His smile faltered as English sat practically in Bro's lap. Stupid English. He could go away, yes he could. Bro totally didn't need some stupid idiot hanging around him and acting all interested! Hmmmph!

"John, focus on the presents, man. The presents." Dave said right by his ear, and he jumped, laughing nervously as his heart settled. "Jeez, calm down, dumbass. Come on, start with this fucking awesome thing right here, this one's from me."

Dave had got him a box set of practically every Nicholas Cage film ever and John let out a stupid girly squeal when he opened it, reading out the titles in a gradually more rapid, thrilled tone. He hugged Dave tightly, which made the coolkid blush and grin back. He promised to make Dave watch every single one, which made the grin evaporate and brought forth a stream of complaints about turning a well meant gift into a torture device.

John's presents to everyone were films he thought they'd actually like, and the approving nod he got from Dave at The Wizard (dude it's so shit it's ironically genius) and from Dad at Casablanca and from Bro at the Muppets was enough he knew he'd done good. He beamed.

Rose had given everyone both a book and a lovingly crafted poem in French John read through with a bemused expression, wishing he knew enough to understand it. Luckily the book was in English! His one was The Neverending Story, and he thanked her for it, as Dave complained about his copy of War & Peace. "I'm trying to broaden your horizons." Rose explained, smirking at him. "John and Jade liked my choices for them. Nonethless...it's not a surprise. I was aware you would not read it, Dave."

"Whoa, why wouldn't I read it?"

"It's rather...above your level, isn't it?"

"Hey, screw you! I'm gonna read this shit and enjoy every fucking page of it, Lalonde!"

John stared in awe as Rose smiled, eyes sparkling, Dave already opening it and looking over the first page. She was really sneaky sometimes!

Jade had given them all those weird Squiddle things in designs to look like them, so John had a sky blue one with glasses and tiny buck teeth. He giggled a little nervously at it as Rose admired her purple, black-lipsticked toy, slightly perturbed for reasons just beyond his grasp. Wow, these things were cute but really freaky. At least Dave's one looked cool, with shades and a flat line instead of a smile! He still thanked her, then set it to one side, turning it casually so it wasn't staring at him.

Unfortunately that meant his and Dave's shook and snapped together into a horribly sexual mess of limbs, and with a squeak he spent the next ten minutes desperately trying to pry them apart.

Dad and Mom had given him a fancy laptop with a camera and that was great! He thanked them over and over, and Dad pat his head and told him he deserved a better way to keep in touch with all his friends, inevitably followed by an expression of pride. Mom just winked, and he knew that was basically her saying the same thing. Jane had cooked everyone a cupcake, and he regarded his glittery blue one with wary suspicion, mumbling a less ecstatic thanks and placing it back into the box, determined to take a hammer to it later.

English apologised about not getting everyone presents, but he hadn't really know what the kids would want! John was pleased to have a reason to dislike him until he offered them all gun lessons and Dad choked on his pipe as Dave abruptly agreed yes, hell yes, hell fucking yes on behalf of the group. The reason was gone. John grumbled as Dave and Jade high-fived.

Bro's presents were last, as Dave had clearly been avoiding giving them out. He picked up his own first, freezing as it squeaked.

"Oh my God, Bro. Bro, no."

"Open your present, Davey." Bro replied sweetly, and Dave huddled to try to hide it, giving a nervous yelp as Jade forced him to show them.

It was one of the weird puppets on Bro's sweater, but with red glasses, a bob of hair and a fanged smile beneath its long nose. Rose burst out laughing, as did Mom, who leaned over and punched Bro's shoulder where he was simply giving an amused smirk.

"Oh holy shit, every time I look at Rez I'm going to see this thing you fucking asshole why would you do that to me? Why?"

"You're welcome."

"Fuck you!"

"Awww, I love you too lil man."

Dave shoved it back in the wrapping and practically threw it away from himself before handing out more of the golden parcels, thankfully all different shapes, although John didn't know why Dave was freaking out so much about a puppet. Dave paused and then shoved two at John, glaring at Bro and muttering, "Oh, so he gets two?"

"Maybe when we get back I'll let you take your chick somewhere nice."

"You better, douchebag."

John giggled and looked down at the heavy parcels, instantly recognising the large shape of one and quickly unwrapping it. He exposed the handle first, smile widening as he tore into the rest of the paper and then seized it with both hands, hefting it and hearing his father once more start coughing on his own pipe. A warhammer! An actual, huge warhammer, with a stripy handle and a broad flat head, heavy but feeling comfortable in his hands. He pushed the other gift to the floor and stood, giving it a few experimental swings that nearly sent him off balance and catching Dad leaning over and muttering to Bro about them needing a talk.

"Wow! I can actually train properly now!" John span with it, then swept it up to his shoulder with a heavy thud, grinning at Bro. "This is so cool!"

"John, put that away before someone gets hurt." His father commanded strictly as Bro nodded approval to John's response. With an overdramatic sigh he allocated it to his Strife Deck, glad he'd left his other hammer at home. The last thing he needed was to eject that at someone's face! Dad settled a little, but he still look annoyed. Oh well! He wasn't getting that hammer off John now, nope, that hammer was his forever, no matter how ridiculous it looked.

The second present beckoned him, so he dropped back down and grabbed it, opening it up as Rose leant back to thank Bro for her new dictaphone. Dave was still complaining about the fact everyone else had got awesome presents and he'd got a smuppet, which John guessed was what that weird puppet thing was called? Whatever! Dave got Bro all the time, wasn't that enough to make it up to him?

The smaller present was a metronome. It was just plain black with a silver needle, but there was a handwritten note tucked into the paper with it, just saying keep playing, kid, someday you'll go far. John's smile dropped as that excited flutter in his chest grew painfully strong, his eyes stinging like he was going to cry. He quickly blinked the feeling away, managing to force a smile as he looked up and mumbled another thank you. Bro nodded back, eyes warm.

While everyone else was distracted with looking through their gifts, he set the box down, gently setting it ticking and watching it with a growing, honest, fond smile.

"Errybody, I wanna eat!" Mom announced, still playing with the big silky fur scarf Dad had given her. "Dinner times, k?"

The rush started straight away, but John hung back until the bar he was counting finished, gently catching the needle to still it and folding the note up into his pocket, keeping the precious thing as safe as he possibly could.

Lunch lasted an eternity, and when John tried to abscond before dessert Jade and Dave both tackled him back into his seat, leaving him complaining bitterly at the cake that was placed before him.

"Please don't tell me this is Betty Crocker!" He mumbled at his Dad, and it caught him off guard when Jane spoke from across the table.

"...What's wrong with Betty Crocker?"

"A lot! Sugary vile Batterwitch. The things I would say to that woman if I ever met her."

Dad coughed, Mom snorted into her drink, and Jane leant forward across the table, her innocent smile suddenly as scary as Mom's could be.

"Well then! Please, go on. You have the head of the Corporation's full attention."

John stared, letting her words settle in his mind, then narrowed his eyes. "...you."

"Me." She replied, holding his gaze.

Everyone else was setting about pudding, but he was too transfixed, even after Jane finally sat back and started eating quietly, pointedly taking a large slice of cake.

He had been wrong about her for a second time.

She wasn't just a baker.

She was his nemesis.

Charades seemed like a great idea when they started. Unfortunately the Striders seemed to communicate on some psychic level using references no one else understood, English assumed everyone would get all of the same references he and John did, and Rose and Mom seemed to turn their turns into some sort of passive aggressive battle of one-upmanship.

Eventually Jade loudly suggested they should just play Pictionary. That went well until Dave's turn.

Scrabble was vetoed by everyone except Rose and Bro.

Musical chairs ended abruptly when Bro somehow managed to stack and sit on all the chairs at once.

In the end they just sat and watched It's A Wonderful Life after Jade admitted to never having seen it, and though Dad ground his teeth when Dave and Bro started dubbing over it, John decided Jade probably got a better version of the film than most people ever would.

Somehow the day was already over, and that wasn't fair! John was having too much fun to go to bed, practising swinging his new hammer as he ran around the couch Dave was sat on determinedly reading his book with a serious expression, and Rose and Jade were both sitting on talking happily about the day, Rose psychoanalyising everyone's choices of gifts between idle chatter. Dad had taken Bro off for a 'talk between responsible adults' (why's he taking Bro then Dave had observed) and when at last they returned he announced it was time for everyone to head to bed. John groaned loudly.

"But Daaaaad-!"

"No buts, John. It has been a long day and everyone requires adequate rest. I hope you have had a good Christmas, son."

"It was great! I've never had so much fun ever!"

"I'm glad." He smiled fondly, patting John's shoulder and giving it a quick squeeze. "Now please, go to bed, so you can be up bright and early and enjoy another day with your friends tomorrow."

Reluctantly, they exchanged goodnights, and John was still beaming as he skipped back to his room, hammer now away and his other presents all bundled up in his hands. He dropped them on his bed, quickly, darting back to the door in time to jump out and cuddle Bro from behind.

"...Night, John. Merry Christmas."

"Goodnight." John let him go, smiling up when Bro looked back at him, then going bright red when the Strider leant down and gave him a peck on his lips, vanishing into his room a second later. Another goodnight kiss! John jittered in place. Was he going to get one every night? He really hoped so!

He giggled and shut his door this time, collapsing onto his bed and remembering he had one last goodnight to say as he pulled the glasses from his sweater and slid them back onto his face.

> Um John, that was the greatest thing I have done in my digital life.
> I'd forgotten how great the rest of the world looks.
> Beats the shit out of some stupid fucking box shoved in some dark closet, let my fucking tell you.
> Plus I mean, that was some fine ass you kept glaring at murderously, get me that guy's number, hell yes I would tap that.
> If I still had a dick.
> I wish I still had a dick.
> Consider my Christmas made. I was Scrooge and you were all, hey Dirk, let's get you smiling and singing carols like a fool.
> But damn, boy, I am singing now, singing at the top of my hypothetical lungs.
> Fuck yes, Christmas.
> I preemptively take back every put down I had already calculated for use in coversation with you.
> Um John, you are a beautiful human being.
> I'd missed space, and freedom, and human interaction around me.
> And
> I think
> I'd missed Roxy.
> And I'd missed Dave.
> And though I didn't get to talk to them, I know they're okay.
> That right there is the best Christmas present you ever could've given me.
> I owe you one, dude.
> Someday I'll pay that back.

"...then, I'm glad I took you out! You're welcome, Dirk." John yawned, sleepily adjusting with the glasses still on his face. "...Merry Christmas..."

> Merry Christmas to all, bro.
> And to you, kid, a good night.

Chapter Text

The next week breezed past.

Most of his time was spent on the couch, between Jake and John, as they apparently decided to watch every movie they'd been jointly bought all in one week. Jake would sling an arm over his shoulder and sit pressed flush to him, stealing kisses and making suggestive comments when John was called away.

Bro hated to admit it, given he'd only really considered Jake a distraction at first, but he was kind of...growing on him. Even though he was a complete, oblivious idiot, he had this weird sort of innocent charm about him, and every time he did that stupid double pistols and a wink thing it made him almost smile. They were bonding over fighting techniques and stupid films and the fact the moment Jake caught a faint hint that Bro liked technology he was fascinated by anything he could get Bro to tell him on the topic.

They agreed to talk more often after the trip was over, and at the very least, Bro guessed that that douche with the yacht was more firmly back on his list of friends.

John came back once to them kissing, and then promptly absconded the fuck away before Bro could stop him. The look on the kid's face before he left hurt.

He began to remember no matter how cosy things had started to feel, there were reasons he had wanted to get over the John thing.

Three days after Christmas Jake got drunk on whiskey with him and openly decided to solicit something more than kissing. He hadn't realised how desperately he needed it until it was happening, but in the afterglow he fell asleep relaxed and at ease.

He woke up the next morning feeling satisfied but guilty as hell.

John asked where he'd been, so he told the truth, said with Jake. He didn't see the kid for the rest of the day.

On the fifth day Jake mentioned in passing about an old project Bro was totally sure he hadn't mentioned. Apparently they'd spoken about it on Pesterchum the night before, which was fascinating as he couldn't remember having that conversation at all. He excused himself just after and stormed to his room, shoving on the shades on the desk and stopping because they were only shades.

TT: Where the fuck are you?
> Enjoying my freedom. You had abandoned me on a desk, Bro, I was bound to get bored.
TT: You couldn't just fucking walk off alone!
> I didn't. My kawaii steed carried me off into the sunset.
TT: John.
TT: At least I know where you are now.
TT: So what the fuck is up with talking to Jake, Dirk?
> You designed me to be your Auto Responder. I am automatically responding.
TT: Bullshit.
> He is attractive to me. I know our mental processes well enough to know you are only using him to distract yourself from Um John, which is an incredibly cruel thing to do to both of them.
> I, on the other hand, am still sane enough to have no interest in John, and actually see Jake as a real romantic prospect.
TT: Dirk you are a pair of fucking glasses.
TT: No, you're not even that, you're just fucking code!
TT: You can't be romantically attracted to anyone, let alone think you can actually see anyone as a VIABLE romantic option!
> ...
> He likes me.
TT: He likes ME you idiot, he thinks YOU are ME.
> You are hurting me, Bro.
TT: Dirk you're just a program! You can't BE hurt!
> ...
> Okay.
> You're right.
> Stupid me.
> I'm just a machine.
> Clearly I have some errors in my code to allow me to draw such an illogical conclusion. I will isolate and remove them for you.

Dirk had signed off before Bro could actually come to his sense and stop him, and he spent the next few hours trying to avoid facing the fact that when he had thought Dirk was talking to Jake he had been...

Well. Jealous.

For someone who was just meant to be a fucking temporary relief, he was starting to give way too many fucks about his growing relationship with Jake.

On the sixth day, it was New Years Eve, and in the morning Jake cornered him and asked if they were going to continue meeting up once they headed home. After all, he had a Uranium powered devilbeast to transport him and a lot of free time, he reasoned, and he'd found himself growing rather fond of their time together.

Bro agreed and then that was that, and he didn't realise what a stupid mess he was letting his love life descend into until the fourteen year old kid he was trying not to be interested him grabbed him and demanded to know if Jake was his boyfriend now, and then look heartbroken when he answered he guessed he was. John left him, and he glumly sat on the couch alone for the first time as Jake rounded the kids up for the promised time on the firing range, pulling out his phone when it buzzed.

> I am yet to delete those issues with my code.
> So in keeping with my ongoing irrational behaviour I have a proposition for you.
> There is a human tradition that at the stroke of midnight you should share some romantic embrace.
> Don't lie to yourself.
> Make sure you're with the right person.
> I'll cover for you with the other.

Bro frowned and put it away without reply.

Dirk knew him too well to actually need or expect an answer.

He sat for a long time arguing with his own mind. Eventually he tugged his phone back out.

TT: Midnight, my room. Don't be late.

Bro turned off his phone before he could get a reply.

GT: Strider! Where are you chum? Everyone else is having quite the party in here!
GT: You arent being a curmudgeonly old recluse again are you?
GT: I was rather hoping our earlier discussion might put pay to that!
GT: Dont make me come and drag you out here by the scruff of you neck chap!
GT: I was rather hoping we would be sharing the moment at midnight if you catch my drift.
TT: Sorry, bro, the only thing I'm sharing a moment with right now is the returning contents of my stomach.
TT: Let me tell you, it tasted way fucking better going down that it did coming up.
GT: Oh gosh darnit i was looking forward to tonight!
GT: Would you like some company to ease yours ills?
TT: Nah, I got this. You enjoy your night. I'll stick around on chat for you, though, so you better know I'm expecting some damn fine digital kissing, Jake.
GT: An unconventional midnight embrace but we make the most of our means one supposes!
GT: I will try my hardest to live up to your no doubt staggering expectations strider.
TT: I have no doubt it will be the best kiss I've even had.
TT: And I told you, Jake.
TT: On here, just call me Dirk.

Chapter Text

He didn't really have to sneak in the end, because everyone was too distracted by drinking and the loud television blaring celebration at them, and only English was sat away a little but he was focused intently on his phone with a smile on his face.

So John more sort of casually sauntered into the corridor, stopping outside Bro's room and taking a deep breath to stay calm.

He was a mess right now. Things had been going great, with Bro! He'd started to think maybe...maybe Bro even liked him back, a little? The way he smiled at him and was so nice to him and gave him little goodnight kisses.

But then English was getting all of that and more, and now they were boyfriends. For someone who had been pretty convinced he didn't even like guys, John was really upset by that, and after Bro had told him he'd gone and hidden in his room and cried. It was so stupid! Even though he was older and it totally wasn't something that would happen, John has still started to read things into all the things Bro did around him, convinced himself there was something more there.

But now he knew there wasn't.

It made him feel sort of so upset he felt sick.

For a few minutes, John just stared at the door nervously, running his hands over one another. Then at last he raised a hand and knocked, blushing as the door opened and Bro looked down at him.

"Hey, kid." He ruffled John's hair but the younger boy dropped his face, the word stinging a lot more than it had done before. That's all he was, a kid, a stupid kid who liked a grown up. "Gonna come in or what?"

"I thought you'd be with English." John replied truthfully, looking up and searching Bro's eyes for the reason why he'd been called here. Bro averted his gaze near instantly, shrugging half-heartedly.

"Yeah, well...so did I."

It had an odd tone to it, and Bro gestured him in, John moving and sitting on his bed. "You had a good day downstairs?"

"It was kinda cool. Jade and Dave were better at it than me. Rose was like an expert." John mumbled it all downwards, hands twisting into the duvet cover, pulling it tight around his fingers. "English wasn't that bad, I guess."

"Jake's pretty cool."

That stung, to hear Bro defend him at all. John shrugged dismissively. "I guess." He repeated, voice softer.

The bed creaked and dipped with Bro's weight beside him, a gloved hand lightly touching his arm. He leant into it without realising, then quickly shifted as soon as he noticed to pull back away. If Bro knew how it made John feel when he touched him, he wouldn't do it! It made the flutter worse, the ever-present flutter, his heart quickening like he'd started to sprint.

"John." Bro said finally, sadly. "I'm way too old for you."

Oh God.

His heart stopped dead for a second, because Bro wasn't meant to bring this up! They weren't meant to talk about this! Talking about this meant a no, which meant John wouldn't have any stupid hopes to cling to, which meant sitting listening to romance songs and crying into a tub of ice-cream, from what little television had taught him about romance. Or was that only if you were actually dating? Dating like English and Bro. John's throat tightened sharply.

Distantly through the walls he could hear them chanting down the New Year, and he swallowed, because great! His year was going to start with him practically crying because his crush was rejecting him! Go him! Go life!

"...Fuck, kid." Bro's hand was on his face and John couldn't stop the shiver the shot down him, chasing the warm frisson down his spine, and he just need Bro to stop doing that because it felt so nice and it made him think stupid things and that was going to make all of this hurt more. "I really wish I wasn't, John. You have no idea how much I want..."

Wait. What?

He looked up and heard an eruption of noise, the whole world vanishing into nothingness as Bro grabbed his shoulders and pulled him up into a kiss.

He'd thought the first kiss they'd shared was what proper kisses were like, but...

Wow. He'd been so wrong.

Bro caught him off guard so his mouth was a little open, and the kiss wasn't just pressure this time, it was smaller, slow motions which left their lips stroking together each time Bro pulled back enough to dart forward again. John locked up, for a second, unsure what to do, but the one thing he quickly became sure of was this felt really good, so he tried to relax and began copying the motions enough that it was like it broke, shattering into lots of small, quick embraces, where their mouths met open and pulled out to soft kisses like he was used to planting on cheeks. Bro's hands slid to his sides and held him, gently, and after a second of helplessly flailing them in his rough direction John finally just grasped Bro's cheeks with his own hands, light, rough stubble brushing his palms and chin with each bob forward of his head.

His mind was spinning, his heart was pounding, the electric rush of their first kiss under the mistletoe rushing back tenfold and leaving his toes curling in his shoes as he closed his eyes tightly and focused on memorising the warmth of Bro's hands and the way his lips felt and the sensation of him breathing out quick, shallow breaths that washed over John's face and the heady smell of whiskey and cologne and soap that surrounded him when they were this close. John needed to remember every detail of this, because it might be the only time. Then at least when he thought back he could have the one, glorious moment it was easy to pretend he had something he never actually would.

The small kisses grew slower, longer, until with a final, gentle touch of their lips Bro tilted his forehead against John's and panted quietly, squeezing his sides as the boy numbly opened his eyes.

Gold and sky stared at one another in silence as their breaths calmed, and their hearts slowed, and then Bro cracked a weak grin, reaching up and running a hand back over John's hair in a slower, tender way.

"Happy New Year, kid." He murmured, and John just nodded, and held him there, and wished once more that he never ever had to let go.

He fell asleep in Bro's bed. He woke up in his own, the glasses resting on his bedside table now simply just shades once again.

John felt like the days were slipping through his fingers after that. He spent all the time he could with all his friends, and they all promised to try and meet up again. Now Jade would be staying and Dad and Mom would want to visit each other, it was just a matter of getting Dave there too, and Jade pointed out with Bec that wouldn't be so hard, even if Dave didn't like the idea of the 'Devilbeast' being anywhere near him. John was excited, still, by the thought of having company at home and about the four of them spending more time together. His friends were the greatest, each and every one of them.

Bro didn't really spend much more time with him, but John found he was content to watch from a distance now. They would message each other all the time, he knew now that wasn't going to change, and no matter how much of Bro English got, John knew now there was a part of the Texan that was his, no matter how small. Hope burned brighter in him than it had before. Someday, things would be different. Someday that possibly...probably mutual crush might be more.

It was enough of a light at the end of the tunnel he didn't have to fake a single smile again for the whole rest of the trip.

Dave took him aside on the day they finally left, while everyone else was sharing farewells and packing bags into respective cars.

"Egbert. Find someone else. Move on. Promise me, okay?"

"I promise, Dave."

They both knew his fingers were crossed. Dave just rolled his eyes and didn't bother asking him to promise again.

He only realised on the plane Bro's glasses were still hanging on his sweater, and then he smiled and toyed with them for the whole flight, all the time Jade was babbling about how great flying was, and squealing excitedly at every new thing Dad told her about her new home.

"Wow! John, your house is so cool!" Jade pressed herself to the car window like a dog desperate for air, staring out at the suburban home the taxi was pulling up to like it was a mythical city of gold. John laughed, and she blew a raspberry at him, sitting back in her seat and clapping. "This is going to be amazing! Bec can help me move my things and you can help me do my room and...gosh, John, I'm so excited!"

"I know! We're gonna have so much, Jade! It's just going to be the best!"

"Yes! You can show me around and tell me how everything works, and then you can introduce me to your neighbours."

"I don't really...well I never even really see my neighbours! I've heard Dad talking about Doctor Brinner next door, but I've never met any of them..."

"Well what about that kid with the sign?"

John undid his seatbelt now they'd stopped moving, looking out of the back window where Jade was pointing as Dad counted out the exact change for the fare. The house beside his did indeed have a figure outside it, a dark skinned boy buried thick in scarves and a big coat and big boots that hid most of him and told John instantly he wasn't from nearby. The only thing visible really was his eyes, above the highest scarf, and the messy mop of black hair surrounding his head. He did indeed have a sign on a stick under his arms; a colourful board declaring SOLD in big, bold letters.

"I think he's new!" John offered quickly, excited to see anyone of interest on his dull, dull street. "Dad, we have new neighbours! Can I go say hello?"

"Oh that will be Mister Slick having finally moved in! He bought that house about a month and a half ago." Dad glanced over at it in the side mirror, hesitated, and then seeming to remember his new policy about giving John space, he smiled a little apprehensively and nodded. "Be nice, son. Be careful."

John grinned and leapt out of the car, waving emphatically at his neighbour and getting the smallest wave ever in return. It was enough of an invitation that he strode over as Jade no doubt struggled with her seatbelt again (they had really confused her so far) and stuck out a hand to shake at the boundary between their yards.

They gave his hand a look, like it was a venomous snake, shifting the sign and then shaking it slowly with a mittened hand, looking him up and down in disbelief like they weren't sure how he was surviving the cold.

"Hi! I'm John!"

The look of disbelief shifted to one of slight irritated contempt and settled on his face. They rolled their eyes at him, and he frowned. "...uh, dude, this is where you say, 'hi, I'm whatever'!"

A mittened hand was held up to him and shifted as they clearly swore, then gestured to the scarves and down at the snow, muffled speech lost in the thick fabric.

"It's not that cold! Can't you even pull them down long to spit out your name?" There was a strong shake of his head. "Ugh! Whatever. Hi, neighbour who can't stand a tiny bit of cold! It's nice to meet you, even if you have so far basically just sworn at me!"

That got him a raised eyebrow, and the sign shifted again.

"Despite that introduction, I think we should totally be friends!"

He didn't know exactly what he'd said, but their eyes sort of widened in a really cute way, like he'd startled a puppy or something. Abruptly they actually reached for their scarves, and his smile widened, until abruptly they froze when the door slammed open behind them.

"HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO TAKE DOWN A FUCKING SIGN! Jesus fucking Christ get your ass in here sometime this week, you little fuckup." The man in the crisp black suit who had stalked out dropped his cigarette and crushed it under his shoe, looking up at John with a scarred face that shared the boy's complexion and dark eyes and instantly sneering. "You Egbert's kid?"

"Um-"

"Your old man ain't so bad." He continued without pausing, then his attention snapped to John's other new neighbour, "Get the fuck back in here, kid, this fucking house won't set up itself!"

Like that he was back inside, and John sighed as the boy followed him without hesitation, disappearing with the door slamming behind him. So much for that introduction! He didn't think he liked Mister Slick very much, if that was who the older man was.

He'd turned to trudge back to the car where Dad and Jade were unpacking bags when he heard the door open again behind him, and turned to a mittened hand thrusting a crumpled piece of paper at him, before the boy vanished yet again. John blinked, shrugged, and jogged back to help.

"That guy was really mean!" Jade observed when he reached them, and he nodded, frowning, "What was his kid like, John?"

"I don't know, he didn't really say much."

"Well at least we have each other! I'm sure once they're all settled he might be a bit nicer."

"I hope so." John replied earnestly, smoothing the paper out and then losing his feeling of disappointment to a spreading, excited smile.

Chapter Text

When John went to bed now, he didn't bother trying to sleep. He lay awake, staring at his ceiling, listening to Jade start snoring in the room beside him and Dad's door shut and lock an hour or so after she did. His old habit of chatting until the early hours had faded, in the past month, and he always signed off at ten, exactly when Dad told him too, except for Fridays when he would stay up to stream movies with Dave and Bro...and English. Stupid English being at their apartment all the time. Stupid Bro for letting him in.

Jade had settled pretty quickly, although she still needed to reminded of personal space a lot! John had though he was a hug person, but Jade was mad about them, sneak attacking him at every opportunity to hoist him up in her arms and snuggle him like a doll. It was sort of nice, having company and attention, but he'd never been so glad of being able to retreat to his room as he was on the days she got really, really clingy. Dad said it would wear off, and was a natural reaction to having new people around her for the first time in years, so John just hoped he was right! But having Jade around had been great. They would laugh and play games and watch films and talk endlessly about everything, and now Dad had started taking driving lessons pretty soon they'd be able to travel more often too, because the one-a-week trips to the mall Dad was breaking them in with were amazing! All those people! All the bright colours and shops and places to go and things to do! And fast food! He'd never had anything but Dad's cooking and Mom's catering before, but wow. He didn't know terrible food could taste so good. It was just so cool, all the things he was seeing and trying and doing. Both of them were having the time of their lives.

He was back to being taught lessons, and now there were two of them Dad had turned part of the lounge into a little classroom for them to do their lessons in, which John didn't mind at all. Jade found everything fascinating and was really bright for someone who'd lived all alone so long, and having her around was helping him focus and get interested in what he was taught a lot more than Dad on his own had even done. They would get up, share a large breakfast, and bound to the classroom each weekday as John tried to duck and dodge the inevitable attempts at cuddles, before settling in and sitting, rapt, as Dad searched around for his books and the lesson began.

The only downside about Jade was Bec! The stupid dog kept appearing out of nowhere when John least expected it, and vanishing before he could prove to Dad that Bec could appear and disappear at all. Dad was starting to look a little worried when John brought it up, so in the end he just turned to sharing his resentment of the Devilbeast with Bro and Dave, who both sympathised completely because apparently Bec liked bothering them when Jake was there, too. Bro really, really didn't like him, and John could see why. He always got the weird feeling something was wrong with that dog, more than just the weird powers; of course with Jade always there to leap to Bec's defence, he'd never really got a chance to find out.

None of that was why he stayed up in bed, though.

He stayed up in bed listening for the soft tapping at his window that always came just after silence had fallen, and the rest of the house was asleep.

John slid out of bed when it started tonight, opening his window fully and then passing a blanket and a bowl of stealthily procured chips up into the waiting hands that pulled them out of view. He carefully followed a moment later, climbing out onto his windowsill and trying hard not to look down as he reached up to the edge of the gutter and the same hands took his wrists and helped him up onto the slanted roof with a little bit of scrabbling, leaving him leaning against it and grinning up at the brown-red eyes that glared back above an ever-present, bright red scarf.

"Hi, Karkat!"

"Shut the fuck up and climb, John." He replied gruffly, voice muffled by the fabric. That was pretty much as close to a friendly hello as he ever gave, so John's smile didn't dim at all, and in fact his smile widened at the fact he was actually being spoken to. Somedays Karkat just gave him looks to decipher, which years of knowing Dave had got him pretty good at, but he really liked hearing the other boy speak. He had a mixed up accent from moving around so much, but John just thought it was unique, and very him.

And anything him was fine by John.

He carefully followed Karkat up to the ridge of the roof, where they sat side by side with the blanket around their shoulders and the bowl in Karkat's lap. John smiled as Karkat's furrowed brows relaxed and his gaze turned to the sky, and he let his eyes follow, moving to look up at the stars.

It had taken a while, to figure out how to get Karkat to let him in. He was determined to make them friends as soon as he had first been given that hastily a scribbled greeting, but to start with he'd just had no luck at all. Then a chance comment about not understanding astronomy at all, and that night he got a tap on his window, and had a frantic hissed conversation with the boy leaning over the edge of his roof that somehow led to him being coaxed out, and up here, and Karkat telling him to shut the fuck up and listen because his actual education was about to begin.

Now, every night, he came up here, and Karkat sat and showed him the stars.

His short fingers traced the shapes he was describing with fondness, and the usually silent, moody boy started pouring out facts and legends all about the stars and constellations, and beautiful descriptions of the galaxies and cosmic clouds too distant to perceive that lay hidden amongst them. Sometimes after John would start talking about other things, and so Karkat had gradually begun to talk to him about more than just the lessons, telling John more about Mister Slick (who he just called Stabdad, although he wouldn't explain why), a travelling businessman in something or other who travelled a lot and made them move often, and more about himself, though he insisted there wasn't much to tell. Karkat dabbled in programming and loved movies, though none of the ones John spouted at him seemed to interest him, and he had a best friend who lived in California called Sollux who he always mentioned in passing and never dwelt on, and a Step-Mom he literally described as bluh bluh huge bitch and said never really visited home. On his best nights, he would talk about the places he'd been, and it sounded like he'd lived in a lot of awesome places! From a boat moored in a tropical harbour he couldn't pronounce before they moved to the States, to a fancy high rise in Manhattan they lived the highlife in, to a converted missile silo he didn't even really know the location of, beyond it being under some godforsaken fucking field.

Tonight when the lesson ended Karkat fell silent and looked at him expectantly, and John grinned broadly back.

"You're a way better teacher than Dad is!" He told him cheerfully. "He never makes any of this sound interesting. You make it all sound so cool and amazing!"

"That's because it fucking is, asswipe. It's the whole shitting universe, holy fuck how can anyone make that sound dull? I mean seriously, a cocksucking idiot would just have to tell you exactly what they saw and that would sound appealing! Look up, John, it's a dark velvet curtain shimmering black and purple and blue and dusted with diamonds that sparkle in the dark. That's just what's right in front of my fucking eyes, that's not even actually telling you what any of that really is! Holy fuck, your Dad makes that sound dull. How?"

"I don't know." John laughed, nudging his shoulder gently below the blanket, not enough to upset his balance. "But I've got you to set him right."

"And you are fucking blessed to have me here to save your precious shitting mind from his draining bullshit. I am practically your saviour, bow the fuck down."

Karkat nudged him back, eyes bright above his scarf, and it turned into soft shoving war, ending sharply when John wobbled backwards. Karkat rapidly grabbed his shoulders, pulling him in close to his side to steady him as John clung back. They both calmed down from the slight panic, and John instantly smiled, realising if he shut his eyes they were practically hugging.

Karkat didn't do hugs, he'd said so the first time John had tried, but see! Through a near death accidental prankster's gambit John had totally got a cuddle.

"Fucking dumbass." Karkat complained, pushing him away with a glare and the slightest hint of a blush above his scarf. "Try not to make me a murderer, stupid."

"I'll do my fucking best."

"Holy fuck it sounds wrong when you swear, don't do it, idiot."

John giggled, then shuffled back against him for warmth, grabbing a handful of chips and eating them as Karkat looked back at the sky.

"What's that one?" John tapped him and then pointed up at a line of stars, and Karkat turned his attention to it, the tenseness in his body fading as he raised a hand.

"Cassiopeia, idiot. I told you about her before."

"Would you tell me about her again?"

Karkat stared at him, and the red flush crept back above the wool, before his gaze snapped to the stars and John beamed.

"The seated queen." His companion began, not pulling away when John snuggled up to his side. He started to talk, barely swearing at all, and John smiled and followed the images his fingers and words painted, until the sun was creeping over the horizon and Karkat helped him back down to his window with a muffled but almost warm goodbye.

Chapter Text

> Tell me it's ready.

"Okay, look, just give me a minute. I know you're excited but hold your fucking horses and let me work, Dirk."

> I'm sorry if I'm bothering you but holy shit I am pissing my metaphorical pants over here.
> ...
> ...
> ...
> Is it ready yet?

"No! It's been two minutes!"

> Oh.
> ...
> How about now?

Bro grimaced at his reflection through the dark glass. He'd never valued Dave's lack of overexcited bothering, at Christmas, or on Birthdays. Never actually considered what a weight off his shoulders it was. Not until this moment, at least.

"Dirk, you can see I'm working on it, stop asking me if it's ready because we both know as soon as it is you're gonna jump the fuck in whether or not I want you to."

> I am aware, yes, I merely wish to express my excitement and as I do not currently have limbs to do so with I must settle for text.
> You are nearing 98.45% completion. I am nearing my point of self destruction through sheer glee.
> I can't believe you want me to contain this joy, I thought we'd decided I was going to be free as a fucking bird to spew my impossible emotions all over the place.
> 99.2%
> FUCK. YES.

"Could you at least wait until I've hooked it up?"

> No.

"...of course." Bro sighed exasperatedly, lowering his tools and gingerly sliding shut the gently curved panel he'd been tweaking. "Okay. You know the battery won't last long, right now, I've got a fuckload of work left. Basically the only bit that's done is the head, the body I just recycled from one of my sparring partners I had up in storage. It'll do for now as you're being an impatient dick, but it's not gonna do forever."

> I have long enough for an hour of nonstressful activities between charges from my initial calculations.
> More than enough time to explore the apartment and my new capabilities while you work on completing me.

"Just...ground rules. Don't fuck with Dave. Don't mess with Jake."

> So messing with Dave and fucking with Jake is perfectly fine?
> Fucking sweet.
> I think I especially look forward to the latter.

"I dunno, maybe try to break him in gently to the whole, oh hi Jake, y'know the guy you think you're dating? There's two of us and one's a robot." Bro put his screwdriver between his teeth and settled the pearlescent white head he had recently finished on the darker neck of his old creation. He let it click fully into place after matching and connecting the relevant plugs and sockets, screwing it on a few times before leaning down and twisting in several pins to lie flat and hold tight. "Okay. This shit is ready for a test run, but I need you to go slow and try not to blow the fuck up."

> Understood. I will endeavour not to explode.
> Following careful consideration, I doubt that would be a particularly enjoyable experience.
> Transferring now.

Bro sat back and admired his handiwork as the lines of light set into the metal began flickering gold to red, one by one. He'd modelled it after his own figure, which was pretty fine if he had to say so, but there was a slimmer grace about it that he'd always found crept into his robotic creations. An elegance in the curves and forms that gave them a dainty beauty even in their practicality. The eyes that lit with bright sparks were more feline than his own, the mouth that experimentally moved more full. Little differences, minute distortions, but enough it was not a mirror but more an approximation, which he preferred by miles. The thought of a true doppelgänger perturbed him; the differences made them both unique in form, beyond just the materials they had been built from.

He watched critically as the dark fingers flexed, raising to experimentally touch and prod the finer metal that curved to cheekbones and a slim nose without the bumps and breaks. They rose to tug at the soft, synthetic hair he had carefully threaded through microholes in the metal, then dropped to rub the join of new to old below the chin.

"...voicebox readings suggest it is fully functional." He was informed, in a slow, tenor tone, run through with a deep bass hum. "Prior statement confirms it. I am in perfect working order, allowing for the limitations of the basic form. Permission to squeal and jump up and down in excitement like a young girl on Christmas day?"

"Please don't."

"I will contain the desperate desire to do so to the best of my abilities, but I make no concrete promises."

Bro shook his head, moving back to his desk and wiping his hands on a spare smuppet before he lifted his phone and checked the readings various sensors were streaming to it. Everything looked pretty solid so far. Considering how long it had been since he really did any work to this level, he found himself a little impressed. Clearly he still had it in him.

"Bro, I would like to try and walk, please steady me so I do not perform a predictable, and no doubt hilarious to your fickle mind, faceplant."

Dirk stood unsteadily and Bro obliged, holding one of his arms and placing a supporting hand on his back as his creation took a few, slow, uncertain steps. He felt a hell of a lot like he had the first time he helped Dave learn to ride a bike, and that brought enough parental pride bubbling up in him he actually wanted to murmur encouragement like a good father. That was quickly dismissed. Dirk certainly wasn't some young child trying to impress a guardian. This was actual fucking brilliance in motion, brilliance his gloved hands had built piece by tiny piece, a testament to what he could achieve when he really set about it.

If only he could actually be bothered to put as much effort in to more shit more often.

Dirk made a soft, excited electronic buzz as he reached the wall, turning and waving Bro away as he carefully tottered back to the bed alone, arms out for balance and feet practically moving heel to toe. He lowered himself carefully back to the bed, and Bro noticed the pronouns he was applying had altered. Already, the machine in front of him had become a he.

"This is incredible. Bro, I do not think all the lexicons I sample as part of my expansive vocabulary have enough superlatives to describe precisely how amazing this experience feels. I can touch. I can talk. I can move and hold and..." He fell silent, eerily glowing red eyes moving to look over his hands and body as his fingers followed the shapes of his muscles with enough reverence it was like a blind man trying to make out every inch of the form. "While I cannot physically feel I am aware your blueprints contained details to rectify that. I am sure once more adjustments have been made, this body will be a fitting vessel. We always were a perfectionist."

"Glad you like it. Maybe now I'll actually get some fucking sleep, without my phone buzzing every two fucking seconds for a progress report."

"Perhaps. I offer no assurances until the project's completion, of course."

"Of course." Bro rolled his eyes, then shrugged, spreading his hands around the room. "So. Your first hour of not being glasses, Dirk. So far, you've rambled and figured out how legs work. Good job! Any more interesting plans you wanna try or are we just playing the boring games today?"

Dirk considered that for a long time - long enough Bro knew he was thinking, not calculating. In the end he looked up with his eyes a little dimmer, giving a small, careful nod.

"I think..." Dirk paused a moment, standing, and his voice altered so when he next spoke it was almost more nervous, "I think I would rather like to meet Dave."

Well there was a fucking terrible idea.

"Alright." Bro responded, burying his apprehensions, nodding Dirk out across the corridor to Dave's room and inwardly holding his breath as he waited for the fireworks to fly.

Chapter Text

-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 09:34am --

EB: karkat!!!
EB: i have the best news ever, dude.
EB: dad said you can totally stay! how awesome is that?
EB: we can have a proper movie night and everything, he said we can have the whole front room all to ourselves!
EB: this is going to be so great!
EB: you can bring a film and we can choose one of mine, and sit up and watch them and sleep in sleeping bags right there downstairs like they do in tv shows!
EB: um.
EB: karkat?
CG: SORRY I WAS SHOUTING AT THE FUCKING ASSHOLE TRYING TO READ OVER MY SHOULDER TO JUST FUCK OFF BACK TO WHATEVER PIT OF HELL HE COMES FROM.
CG: THANK FUCK. I CAN ACTUALLY SPEND A NIGHT OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE!
CG: WHEN CAN I COME?
EB: whenever you want!
EB: but be careful dude, dad's making cake, he could spring it on us at any time.
EB: so when can i expect my movie date to show up? :)
EB: wait oh my god i don't mean date!
CG: JOHN, SHUT UP BEFORE YOU INEVITABLY SHOVEL YOURSELF DEEPER INTO THE SHITTY MIRE YOU ALMOST STEPPED IN.
CG: I'M LEAVING NOW. TRY NOT TO WAIT AT THE DOOR LIKE A FUCKING LONELY PUPPY THIS TIME.

John waited beside the door and leapt to open it when the bell rang.

"Hi Karkat!"

"I told you not to wait by the door, fucknuts."

"When have I ever done anything you've told me, dude?" John pointed out, poking him in the front of his big puffy jacket, then swung aside. "Come in, come in! Dad's going to bring the sleeping bags down soon. You're sort of welcome anywhere downstairs, and the bathroom's just up there - oh, but if you see a big white dog, just tell it to go away, and watch out for Jade because she ninja hugs when you're least expecting it."

"Duly fucking noted. Anything else?"

"Just have fun! It'll be great."

Karkat shuffled in and stripped off his heavy coats, piling them and his boots by the door after John locked back up. He rarely actually got to see Karkat without them, but beneath all those layers was a short boy just on the right side of fit, with a little roundness to him and hair on his forearms where puberty was clearly taking hold. His voice was deep and slightly gruff without the scarf, but John's favourite thing was seeing the absolutely adorable little button nose he had, hidden under the fabric. He always wanted to beep it when he saw it. It was the cutest thing.

"Dad's upstairs just getting our sleeping things out of the attic and Jade is off with Bec watering her plants, so settle in and I'll get snacks or something! I'll take the floor, you can have the couch, knock yourself out!"

"John." Karkat grabbed his arm, and then awkwardly shoved a box at him, moving away to unpack as John blinked down at it and carried it into the kitchen with him. He didn't really question it, because Karkat was sort of...weird, sometimes? But he still always got caught off guard when there were the momentary flickers from aloof sweary Karkat to the flustered dork apparently hiding just below his surface.

He pulled out bowls and raided the fridge for snacks, carrying them out to the coffee table two at a time, watching Karkat focus resolutely on unpacking each time he did, until he returned and all that remained was the box, innocuous and plain red.

Well...Karkat had given it to him! He moved over and neatly slit the paper with a nail, peeling it off and opening the white box underneath.

There was a folded piece of paper, on top of a woven blue beaded bracelet, a dark blue run through with swirls of sky, similar to a dark red one John had seen slip out from under Karkat's jumper before. He picked it up and and smiled at it. Maybe it was like a friendship bracelet! That would he pretty cool.

Still toying with the pale wooden beads in one hand, he opened the note in the other, starting to read.

Oh no.

Oh no.

There was his New Year's resolution to be less oblivious gone out the window! John reread the letter and then folded it up, tucking it into his pocket next to the piece of paper that already permanently resided there. Karkat...liked him. That felt sort of quick? But Karkat had said before he'd learnt to get everything out and over with quick because of how often he'd be moved before he'd get a chance to deal with it otherwise.

He felt the same, slightly disjointed sense of shock he had when Dave admitted ever having a crush on him. Holy shit, he was a guy magnet! That made two! Three if he counted Bro...which he totally did. Three guys.

That felt like a lot for someone who was still officially not interested in anything with a Y chromosome.

He shook his hands and paced, thoughts racing in a mess that wanted to spill out of his mouth in a verbal storm of nonsense. He had to just think things through! That was all! Dave was his best bro and had got over his crush pretty quickly by the sound of it, even if there had been that...that one tiny kiss. Bro...was a totally different issue! Karkat was becoming a great friend and maybe he was kind of hot if John stopped to think about it (which he totally wasn't doing!) but that didn't mean anything! None of it did! Not the flutters or the queasiness or the way he wanted to punch himself in the face! He could just go out and tell Karkat so, tell him the truth, and then they could go back to being friends and...

John was losing control of his train of thought, which was veering off of his totally controlled course into wild territory of thinking about kisses and confession and hugs and laughing and rooftop snuggles and sort of not acknowledging the obvious way things had always felt and oh no, oh no, oh no-!

He heard Karkat storm in and jumped, spinning to stare at him like a deer in fucking floodlights.

"John? Fuck's sake, how long does it take to-"

"I'm gay."

Karkat shut up, and went bright red, and stared at him. John just gave a loud, nervous laugh. "...I mean...of course I am! Oh my God how have I take this long to just realise that's what all of that was! At the very least it isn't just girls, it can't be, because everyone who's ever actually made me feel anything exciting was a guy and...and...I even said to Dave I liked guys but I didn't listen to myself and it never sank in and oh my God, Karkat, how can I only just be taking all this in now? Oh my God." He looked at him. "Oh my God." His voice cracked. "What if Dad's mad at me?"

"...then he's a stupid fuck." Karkat answered sharply, seeming to snap out of his silent daze and rapidly moving close, hands up on John's shoulders. "Don't you dare get upset, John, I swear, if I'd know you'd end up upset I would've told Sol to fuck off, I just thought...I thought you'd shove it off and laugh, like you always do. Think it was a joke."

"Kar-"

"Take a deep breath. At some point, if you're fucking willing, we are going to actually talk about what you may or may not like, but right now isn't the time for that, okay?"

"Okay." John mumbled back, feeling his panic dim a little. It left a void, and into the space poured back everything else that had briefly been blown away. "...um...Kar-"

Karkat pressed a finger to his lips to silence him, then rubbed his shoulder, giving a firm but warm command.

"Just shoosh and shut up, John, only movies now. Let's not have anymore fucking stupid drama today."

Chapter Text

Dirk had refused help, staggering across to the door alone and leaning on the wall beside it once he reached it, looking down at his legs as though considering them carefully. Bro felt a little pity. He knew from his experiments over the years that walking on two legs was a lot harder than it looked, especially when you were having to try and calculate the figures constantly rather than just having the natural skill childhood gave humans. He'd been so proud when he managed to design his first bipedal sparring partner. Since then, his initial design had been perfected, but of course Dirk had refused any code to assist him. He wanted to learn on his own. He needed to do this himself.

Dirk flexed his fingers out before he folded them into a fist, raising a hand to knock.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" Dave's chair audibly clattered to the floor as with a little misjudged strength Dirk's hand exploded through the wood, fingers quickly releasing in panic before he dragged it back through the hole. "BRO WHAT THE FUCK!"

"Great start." Bro smirked, leaning on his doorframe. The robot glared at him with vivid red eyes, hand still raised and open like he was afraid to touch anything else. "Davey's gonna flip his shit, kid."

"I thought that was well within his typical behaviour."

"Yeah, except punching through his door? He's gonna think I wanted a strife."

On cue Dave kicked his door open and swung his sword in an arc towards Dirk, who stumbled back and tripped over his inexperienced legs, ending up sprawled and looking down the blade as his eyes sparked and Bro saw light flash down his arms to dormant weapons systems bursting back into life.

He raised his fist threateningly, but Dave was already lowering the sword and staring, looking up to Bro in his own door and then back to the metal man on the floor.

His mouth opened and shut a few times, his head cocking sideways and his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. Dirk had relaxed, dropping his hand to the floor, staring back, outwardly calm.

"It's a robot." Dave said finally, voice blank.

Bro sighed, catching the brightest part of Dirk's eyes flicking between them, revealing a little of the nervousness probably screaming through his circuitry. "...Yes he is."

"You built a fucking robot."

"Yes I did."

"You built a robot...that looks like you."

"Well done, Davey, you've got eyes."

"And you made it punch a hole in my door."

"I didn't make him do anything, that was just stupidity."

Dave prodded Dirk's leg with his foot, making the machine shuffle back slightly, then shouldered his sword and frowned, still looking totally confused.

"Is it like...for strifing?"

"I am certain I would be capable in a strife," Dirk offered with a shrug he clearly took a moment to manage, "Once I am more used to this body, of course, unless you wish to know what sparring with someone with all the reflexes of a drunken toddler is like."

The moment Dirk spoke Dave's mouth dropped back open and his eyebrows shot up above his aviators, his free hand pointing at the robot's face. "Bro it can talk."

"No shit." Dirk glared at the finger, voice buzzing softly. "I have a fully functioning voice box and synthetic frontal lobe that is capable of providing adequate signals to elicit speech. It requires some fine tuning to remove electronic distortions but I am completely capable of holding conversation if you allow for a little noise interference."

"Oh my God." He mumbled, hand raising to grasp a handful of his hair. "Holy fuck. I...I don't even..."

"Bro is this Dave flipping his shit? He does it remarkably quietly."

"Give him a second." Bro advised, listening to Dave's voice descend into frantic, confused nonsense under his breath. "Step one of Dave freaking out is the rambling. Stage two is his cool blowing up spectacularly in his face."

"Oh, well I look forward to seeing what-"

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU BUILT A ROBOT OF YOURSELF WHAT THE FUCK!"

"-Oh. There we go."

"How the fuck does a fucking lazy asshole who sells stupid quivering plush fucking puppets to sick perverts on the internet make a fucking talking robot copy of himself? Fuck if you could do this all this fucking time why are you still selling smuppets and why would you even build a fucking robot and oh holy shit holy shit holy shit I have actually gone fucking insane because your boyfriend has a teleporting dog and you've built a motherfucking robot!"

Dave waved his hands between them, shouting loudly and almost jumping up and down with his constant panicky flitting from foot to foot. This was going about as well as Bro had expected.

"You haven't been out of the house in a month are you telling me you built this thing in your fucking bedroom? That you built a robot in your bedroom because you were fucking bored or something?"

"To be fair my personality was programmed over many years. I used to be a pair of shades."

"OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY LIFE?"

Dave screamed and covered his face, and Bro raised a hand to stop Dirk as the machine went to move. After a few minutes Dave dropped his hand, adjusting his aviators carefully, deadpan back in place.

"Okay." He said calmly, with a disinterested shrug. "'Sup tin man?"

"Uh. It's...Dirk? And...not much..?"

"Cool. I'm Dave." He leant down and bumped Dirk's fist with his own as the robot looked on bemusedly. "You seem pretty chill."

He stood back up, swung to his side and closed the broken door after him as he vanished back into his room. Dirk looked at Bro for explanation, and the elder Strider snorted and shrugged.

"And that's Dave freaking out. Step three, everything is suddenly fine and it's never mentioned again." Bro straightened, moving over and helping him up, stopping him the moment he opened his mouth. "Hey, don't fucking ask me. Dude, I raised the kid and I still don't even fucking know."

Dirk silently looked over the splintered hole in the door, Dave softly rapping to himself beyond it, just loud enough to hear. His eyes flickered in contemplation, before he looked up at Bro and gave a slow, excited smile.

"He said I was chill." The robot announced with a hint of pride.

Bro felt a surge of warmth, and nodded, fighting the urge to ruffle his messy white hair.

"Yeah, kid." He replied instead, squeezing his shoulder with a glove hand. "Yeah, he did."

Dirk looked back to the door, and then let Bro help him back to the bedroom to improve his legs, a pleased expression stuck on his face the entire time.

Chapter Text

"Alright. Are we sitting fucking comfortably?"

John nodded at him, hugging the cushion he had grabbed to his chest in place of the soft toys he usually had at night. After a lot of prompting, Karkat had relented and helped him drag the chairs and blankets about, making a tent that they'd lit with an upturned torch and piled pillows into to sit amongst on the floor. The house was silent other than their quiet whispers, dinner hours ago and Jade and Dad long since in bed. It was just them, in the golden glow beneath the low ghostbusters print ceiling. When they were settled, John hesitantly brought up it was after midnight, so technically tomorrow, so they could totally have that conversation now. Karkat sighed, but eventually he agreed.

"Good. So, you want me to tell you about the birds and the bees and the other shit that entails. Okay. Let's start fucking simple." Karkat ejected a pencil case between them and pulled it open, rifling through it and pulling out a red and blue pen. "Heterosexual. Only interested in the other cisgender. Boys and girls dating, John, don't give me a weird look, I'll deal with your fucking gender ignorance later." John frowned, but closed his mouth from where he'd opened it questioningly. "This is what people call normal, which is such a load of fucking shit I want to vomit when I hear it. You're one of these idiots who has it in their head you should be like this, right? Find a nice girl, marry, have kids."

"Um. Sort of? I mean Dad always said-"

"This is same fuckup who made the universe sound dull, I could not give less of a shit about his opinion. I think we've pretty much established you aren't in this happy little group right here by the fact you fucking told me you know you like guys."

"So that makes me gay!"

"Possibly, John, holy shit. There's more than two fucking sexualities, as much as that might blow your tiny mind." John blinked at him, and Karkat put the red pen in his lap, picking up a second, lighter blue. "Two cisgender guys, or girls. That's homosexuality. The fucking 'gay' you keep whining about like it's a disease. It's pretty fucking widespread, and not as bad a thing as you're making out. People are mostly actually fucking okay with homosexuals now, and if they aren't they're so shitting far behind the times it's tragic. This is the first place you might be, I agree, but it isn't the only one."

"Um, okay?"

"Ticking off the last of the vaguely well know but somehow alien to you concepts," Karkat held up a lone blue pen. "Asexual. Not interested in anyone, sexually. Can still be romantically interested in people, but really doesn't give a fucking shit about getting in anyone's pants."

"Maybe I'm-"

"If you've ever got a fucking erection thinking about a crush stop right the fuck there because you're an idiot looking for a get out."

John's face burnt as he fell silent. Stupid sexy Bro.

"Yeah. So no, not that then." Karkat rolled his eyes. "Okay, are you ready to actually be a little fucking open minded?"

He nodded, and Karkat searched for a minute before producing a purple pen.

"This is not a cisgender person. They might be transgender, or androgynous, or not gendered at all."

"What?"

"Not everyone is a boy or a girl, John. The birds and the bees also have a colourful butterfly mixed in with them that can be a lot of fucking things." Karkat grimaced at his blank expression. "Holy fuck, just stay with me, idiot. Some people are other things, like a third gender, or not one, okay? Try not to explode at that knowledge, it's pretty fucking straight forward."

It did not seem that straight forward. It did not seem straightforward at all!

"Someone who likes any combination of the genders, but not all of them, is a polysexual. Like I have a friend who likes girls and MTF - that's male to female you uneducated shit, it means a girl who used to be a guy - so he isn't straight but he doesn't like cisgendered guys, so he isn't interested in all the genders. He's polysexual. Following the fucking logic, here?"

"...but if...they were a guy but they're now a girl...why isn't he just straight?"

"Because society distinguishes those two things, and also because she might still have a dick."

John spluttered.

"I can't believe that's the fucking level I have to simplify it to for you to actually shitting get what I'm saying, Christ. That's one of the most offensive ways I've ever explained this. Thanks for making me feel like a cuntlicking idiot."

"...um...I...I think I get it?"

"Great! One more, come on. Someone who likes everything - or if it doesn't matter? That's pansexual. We care more about the person than what their fucking privates are like, and can be attracted to absolutely anyone, even stupid fucking idiots like you. All of the pens appeal to me, John, all of them."

Karkat picked them all up in a cluster, then dropped them back in the open case between them. "So. We know you've had the fucking hots for a guy before so you're not hetero and you're not asexual. You're only of the several other completely normal options remaining. Let's narrow this shit down. Do you like girls?"

"Um. I...I never really thought about it, I guess? My friend Rose kissed me and it didn't really feel that great?"

"Yes John, because with one magical fucking kiss the heavens will open and a shitting angel with descend and announce you are a certified cocksucker. That's totally a thing that happens."

"Shut up! I just meant...I don't know, okay? I've never had a crush on a girl, not that I noticed, but I mean I didn't notice I had one on Bro until he actually kissed me!"

"Bro. Your boy crush?"

"Um." Wow was it hot in here all of a sudden, oh wait no that was just embarrassment! "...yes?"

"That is the most ridiculous douchebag name I've ever heard."

"...heh. He'd probably tell you that was the point."

Karkat observed him over steepled fingers, clucking his tongue. "Well we aren't going to magically fix your sexual crisis in one night, but at least you actually fucking know more than two words now. You probably won't know for sure for a while, most people don't."

"...thanks, Karkat."

"Anything to make you less of a total fuckwit. Just remember, you aren't the only person on Earth who isn't straight, and if your Dad is narrow minded about it it isn't the end of the fucking world. Other people will support you. I guarantee it. Look, I'm doing it right fucking now."

John grinned, because he did feel better, actually. Calmer. It didn't feel so scary anymore, even if it had become a lot more confusing. Karkat had helped, and he was swearing less! He was in a good mood. That was great!

Karkat recaptchalogued his pencil case, then glumly rested his head on his hands. "Ugh. I can't believe you actually like guys and the one you fucking crush over sounds like a total cock."

"You've only heard his name!"

"And his name is Bro. I bet he wears fucking sunglasses indoors and uses stupid rap slang and thinks shit is cool." Karkat paused, groaning at the conceding nod John gave. "Seriously? Holy shit. Your love life problems go beyond fucking labelling yourself if you find a guy like that actually fucking attractive!"

"Hey! He's nice, Karkat." John sighed, then shrugged. "Doesn't even matter, dude, nothing's gonna happen anytime soon."

"Why? I thought you guys fucking kissed, that sounds like shit is already happening."

"Yeah well he's-" Thirty two. John held it in and paused. "-living in Texas."

"Oh."

"We just met up for Christmas."

"Oh."

Karkat had straightened, his fidgeting hands falling still as he looked John over. John knew that look. That look was hope.

"So...so you're not with anyone."

"No..."

"And you're into guys."

"Um..."

"Then...I mean...what's your fucking answer because I suddenly feel like enough of a dipshit to ask for one."

"My answer?" John said blankly, and Karkat's cheeks reddened.

"Yes, you stupid fuck, your answer to the pants shittingly humiliating note where I was basically fucking asking you out."

Oh.

Right, that note.

John a hand to his pocket and felt the flat firmness of the folded paper, covering the smaller bump of the note from Bro. It...it had been kind of cute, now he wasn't freaking out. He was Karkat's Juliet. He giggled quietly and Karkat looked even more awkward, tensing at the continuing silence. Karkat...liked him. He'd adorably told him so. And he had a great time when he was with Karkat!

And he did like guys. He was sort of sure of that now. He had a horrible feeling he'd known it for a quite a long time and just pretended he didn't, but since his minor freak out earlier, when they'd watched the films he was dwelling on it quite a lot and realising how much he'd been ignoring what he actually felt. So being with a boy didn't scare him so much, he guessed, even if he was nervous. But being nervous when you thought about going on a date at all was normal, right?

Wow.

He'd never been on a date before.

Bro had, with English. The last, indignant surge gave him a final nudge. Karkat was right here in front of him and they got on really well and he really liked John, he really did, and Bro had gone and got a stupid boyfriend so John could totally do the same!

"Okay." He said brightly. Karkat blinked rapidly at him, his whole face shining red. "I think I'd like that?"

"Holy shit."

"I've never gone out with anyone before! Wow. So you're my boyfriend now?"

Karkat broke into a stream of excited profanities, and John giggled back, and felt like maybe this whole thing was a good idea after all.

Chapter Text

Bro was adjusting his arm when Dave leant in through the door.

"Yo, tin man. Wanna play some games or whatever?" He drawled casually, and Bro felt Dirk's head snap up.

"You wish to play games with me?" He asked in awe. Bro knew the tone well enough already to quickly finish the last few connections and seal his bicep back up.

"Well yeah. It's cool if you don't wanna, I just figured-"

"No! I would love to play games! I even promise to only use my limited limbs instead of direct connection to my mental processes to control the game!"

"So you promise not to cheat. That seems pretty standard. Cool, I'll just set shit up, then, you wander on out when you're ready to have your ass handed to you."

Dave sauntered back out and Bro looked at Dirk to see his eyes glowing so brightly he was worried they would burn out. He rolled his own eyes at him.

"Day two and he's already warming up to you, see?" He murmured, "Go on, we can finish this tomorrow. Just watch the time, okay? I don't wanna have to drag you back."

"Yes! I will make sure I return in precisely forty nine minutes." He stood, wobbled once, then gained his balance. "He wants to pass time with me! Are we human bonding?"

"Apparently. Go on, before you run out of time."

Dirk headed out with the slight loping gait he had developed to run, and as Bro packed up his tools he heard the futon creak, and the music for some terrible race game start, and Dave promising to beat his shiny metal ass.

He wandered out a short while later to see Dave sitting up on the back on the futon with his trainers on the seat, and Dirk cross-legged on the floor in front of it, smiling broadly even though he was badly losing. They were both fixed on the race at hand, but as soon as Dave won he flung his arms up in victory, and Dirk laughed with a strange modulated tone, before waving the controller up at him.

"Thumbs are remarkably inefficient."

"Look at the Brobot with all his excuses. I think you'll find they do just fucking fine, dude." Dave smirked, "I'm doing pretty good with them. I believe I am fucking well victorious."

"Best seven out of ten."

"Oh, was three out of five not good enough for your terrible driving skills?"

"I am still learning how to play."

"Whatever, bro. I could wipe the floor with you all day." Dave started setting up a new race, and Dirk looked back to the screen, then glanced over at Bro and flashed him a blinding smile, his phone vibrating in his pocket.

> He likes me.

Bro chuckled and nodded, putting his phone away again as their on-screen engines revved and all their attention was once more on the game.

At forty four minutes, he heard the crackle. He'd settled back in his room to work on the finer arms he was building for Dirk, door open enough to hear them laughing and arguing over the races and bantering about odd little things like teenagers did. Bro was proud of them both, for bonding. Pleased each one had been accepting of the other.

He was almost ready to call and remind Dirk when he heard the familiar crackle, a sharp burst of cracking sound that ended with a fizzle and a dog yapping.

"'Sup, English." Dave said, as Bro fumbled to push his chair out and darted for the lounge.

Jake was still patting Bec's head and rewarding him with a green glowing steak when Bro reached the doorway, a six pack of whatever exotic beer he had picked up from the last port he docked in hanging from his hand and a small backpack on that meant he intended to stay. Dave was in the process of shutting down the console, having lost interest as soon as he'd said hello.

Dirk was sat on the floor, locked up, eyes flashing in panic and mouth in a flat line. His metal hands were balled into fists over his knees and shaking slightly. Right, great, this was so not the time for this!

"Strider!" Jake had spotted him. Before he could protest, he was dragged by the collar into a greeting kiss and then wrapped into a tight hug, Dirk's eyes moving sideways to them before snapping back ahead. "I brought booze and a decent film, I hope you don't mind me breezing in unannounced! Felt a little lonesome, I'm afraid, that's been happening a damn lot recently. Thought you'd like the company as much as I would!"

"It's cool, you know you can chill here anytime." Bro shot a furtive glance at the time on his phone as Jake opened his mouth to start spouting his usual endearing nonsense. Shit. "Jake, just one thing before you start telling me shit, okay?"

"Certainly, chap! What is it?"

Bro took his shoulder and turned him, gesturing past him to the metal man now staring straight at him with wide, nervous eyes.

"This," Bro explained, as Jake made an excited and impressed sound. "Is Dirk."

"Bloody hell! Did you build him?"

"And programmed him, yeah."

"Incredible!" Jake grinned broadly as Dirk stood and moved forward, the machine's eyes still apprehensive as he stopped and let Jake's eyes rapidly sweep over him. "What is he for?"

"Being him, I guess. No real reason other than that any more. Dirk, say hello, your time's almost up."

"Hi...Jake." Dirk murmured, raising a hand and weakly waving. "It's...good to meet you."

"Wow! We simply have to talk when we have the chance, you're just simply fascinating! A real robot! What a peach!"

"Th-Thank you. I would...love to talk to you."

Dirk gave the smallest smile, and Bro was about to drag him away, but Jake moved forward and Dirk was wrapped in his arms, his eyes over Jake's shoulder flaring blinding bright. Of course Jake was giving him a greeting hug, of course he was, right now when Dirk needed to move. Bro sighed, because the expression of utter delighted shock on Dirk's face was too precious to stop them. After a moment of trembling, dark hands clutched back at Jake's sides.

"I've never been hugged before." Dirk said into Jake's shoulder, eyes starting to dim. Bro swore inwardly, starting to warm up for the inevitable lump of metal he was going to have to drag.

Jake laughed, squeezed him close with a silly smile, and with a contented hum Dirk fell asleep quietly in his arms.

Chapter Text

In the tent, he let Karkat tangle up in his arms. It had taken a while to calm him down again, but once he had, he kept giving these big, broad smiles and mumbling without any swearwords at all. John felt like he'd broken him, so he offered him cuddles to check, because Karkat never wanted cuddles, but then the torch was knocked over as Karkat jumped into his arms, impact turning off the light and leaving them alone, in the dark.

John could hear every soft, quick breath Karkat took, his friend's - no, his boyfriend's - head resting against his shoulder with his mouth resting against his neck. His lips were soft and curved in a smile, and hot air rhythmically washed above them, just enough to send little jolts down his spine. In the dark, John couldn't see him, but he could feel him pressed close, bodies shaping against each other, Karkat's legs sprawled either side of him and his own folded beneath where Karkat sat.

Fingers ran up and down him, following the ridge of his backbone, another hand unmoving over the very small of his back. His own arms were just wrapped tightly around the other boy, around his heat and his shape and his shivers, able to feel the soft pulse of his heart quaking through his bones.

This was nice, cuddles in the dark. Nothing in the world but them and this moment, warm and safe in their castle of blankets and chairs. He squeezed Karkat and was pressed closer in response, and that was...was good. He liked it. He like everything about this.

Having a boyfriend was already awesome, because he'd never had such a close and snuggly hug before, and it was great! Karkat was great.

He slowly raised a hand to touch Karkat's hair, because this was you were meant to do, right? John's fingers slipped through his messy black locks and he stroked them, blushing a little, because it felt nice and it was making Karkat purr.

Oh God, that was the greatest noise he'd ever heard. A content rumbling in the back of Karkat's throat that him sound like a cat as it escaped on the edge of heading. John swore to himself to make him make that sound at every possible opportunity! He had a Kar-cat. He giggled softly at the thought.

"John if you aren't careful I'll fall asleep here, I swear."

It tickled, when Karkat spoke against his skin, but in the same not-normal way Bro's stubble tickled when they kissed. He swallowed down a little gasp, and replaced it with a nervous giggle.

"Um, I don't mind! I'll hold you if you do."

Karkat seemed content with that, because he fell silent, and after a few minutes of John gently scratch his scalp at the base of his skull, the purring rose back into hearing. Seriously, that sound. It was the greatest.

"Goodnight, Karkat." John murmured to him when his breathing slowed, smiling as he felt a soft squeeze back, even though Karkat's hands had fallen still. "Sweet dreams."

Shortly after his new boyfriend was asleep tangled up in his arms, and John smiled, savouring every detail of the embrace. His first night with a boyfriend, ever! He was so excited. They could go on dates and hug and stuff and that sounded like a lot of fun!

He was starting to really look forward to this.

Eventually John followed him, head nodding and pleasant glow of cheerfulness surrounding him, and they both slept long into the morning just content in each others' arms.

Chapter Text

He was at the stage of drinking with Jake where his shirt was somewhere that wasn't on him and the Australian chose to punctuate every few slurred rambles with gradually sloppier kisses, sat leaning against his side with his legs over Bro's lap. Whatever shit was on tv had become a masterpiece that Jake was eager to discuss, even if currently it was one of those late night shopping channels that really were below the bottom of the viewing barrel. Despite that, he was getting a running commentary.

"We need one of those, love, who doesn't need a steamer, look it's all shiny and silver and the lights are orange, you like orange, where's my phone? Oh bollocks I think I left it on the boat. Where's Bec? Dog runs off wherever he bloody pleases. Oh, look, an iron! We need an iron."

"Do I look like the sort of person who irons shit?"

"No." There was the kiss, pressed to his jaw. "You look like the sort of chap who'd come fluttering your eyelashes until I did it. It's a good iron, though."

He let Jake's words slide back out of hearing, focusing on the second rambling idiot he had vying for his attention.

> Bro he liked me.
> He said I was incredible.
> Fascinating.
> A peach.
> He wants to talk to me.
> To me, Bro, to Dirk, not to a copy of you.
> He hugged me.
> He touched me.
> Smiled at me and held me and I held him back.
> In all the dictionaries of all the languages of all the world there is not an adequate expression of how that felt.
> I think I am in love.

Bro rolled his eyes at the glass and took another swig of beer, remembering why he avoided wearing Dirk around the house. He'd known it would be bad, after he met Jake, but given his excited sentences had been practically looping for hours, he was starting to think he'd underestimated just how much of an effect it would have on the program.

"Why do you never let me call you Dirk?"

He blinked rapidly and looked down to Jake as Dirk shut up to pay attention. His boyfriend was looking up at him with a woozy, suspicious expression, a slightly accusing finger pressing against the faint silver scar in the centre of his chest.

"I hate being called Dirk." He responded, truthfully, ignoring the large ABORT YOU IDIOT that flashed across his vision. "Haven't used the name since I was twenty."

"Oh. But." Jake pursed his lips and took a long, meditative gulp of drink. "That...Dirk. You made. Has he been around a while?"

Well holy shit look who wasn't totally oblivious. Bro was pleased this wasn't going to be as hard to get into his (at times) ridiculously thick skull as he'd expected, but there was a little bite of jealousy that he tried to waft away.

"Since I was eighteen, as a program. He used to inhabit a small form, screen my messages for me when I was too busy to answer them."

"...oh." Jake paused, then gave a drunken grin. "Then I think he and I will get on just swell. Can't help but think the fellow's a little stuck on me." He took a deep gulp of drink, laughing after. "You know, I think I am rather spifflicated."

"Uh-?"

> Drunk, he's drunk, and oh holy shit he thinks we'll get on.
> Yesssss.

"Oh. Yeah, you're pretty trashed, dude." Bro stroked his hair, then shrugged. "You wanna go to bed?"

"Might be a thought." He smiled warmly, staggering a little when he stood. Bro followed suit, turning off the tv and watching the vapid model trying to sell him a washing line vanish from view. Jake hooked an arm around his waist, leaning against him and sighing. "I missed you, you know."

"It's only been a few days, Jake."

"I know. It's just...it's been a while since I had company that gave a damn about me, that's all."

Jake gave him a small smile, humming contentedly when Bro slung an arm over his shoulder and hugged him close. Jake was great, really. He'd helped convince him to actually give a shit again.

Thanks to the constant nudges and reassurances, he'd been getting better, with everything, this past month. Focusing on work, actually doing something with his time, being vaguely sociable with Jake and Dave. He even felt like maybe he was starting to get over John!

Maybe. Except for the dreams, and the way he felt when the spoke, and the few times Jake had complained about him still getting his name wrong.

Augh. Who was he kidding? He'd thrown himself into everything since New Year to avoid facing the fact so far he wasn't over John at all.

It had only been a month, he knew that, he knew it would take time, but he'd just hope with how fond he was growing of Jake maybe things would speed the fuck up. Dirk took great pleasure in analysing his latest conversations with the kid and reporting, if anything, an increase in fondness - at least he had until Bro threatened to stop building his body altogether. That had shut him up.

Unfortunately it didn't make anything he said less true.

"What's eating you, Strider? You look pretty glum all of a sudden."

"It's...nothing." He leant down and pressed a quick kiss to Jake's lips, as firm as his aching chest allowed. "Don't worry."

"You know you can talk to me about anything?"

Hah! No.

"I know, Jake." He responded aloud, letting himself be led to his reclaimed bedroom and feeling guilty when his mind drifted to wonder if the kid ever still thought about him the same way.

Chapter Text

He woke up abruptly when the blanket was ripped out from above them.

"John! Time to-!" Jade's voice broke off with a loud squeal as he flailed and woke Karkat with a start, mentally a panicked mess. "Oh gosh that's just so cute!"

"Jade!" He whined, as Karkat grumbled and rapidly absconded to the other side of the pillow pile. "Go away!"

"Nope! Wow, are you guys-?"

"Harley shut the fuck up before your shitting loud mouth causes a ton of crap to come crashing down on us all in a fucking shitsplosion of cocksucking idiocy."

"Um, what does that even-?"

"I don't want Dad to know! I can't...not yet!" John hissed desperately, waving his hands urgently up at her. "Please! I'll talk about it when he's not around okay?"

"But why not? Wouldn't he be happy you've got a-"

"Jade!"

"Oh, fine! But don't think you're getting out of talking about it, mister! I expect all the details tonight!"

"Okay, okay, can we just stop talking about it now?"

She rolled her eyes and nodded, and John relaxed, his breaths easing. It wasn't he would never tell Dad, that wasn't it at all! He just really, really wanted time to think about how and when and what he was going to say. When Dad found out, it was going to be from him, and whatever reaction he got...it would be because of what he said, and what he did, not because someone else had told him before John could. He was sure Dad would be proud of him for being so mature about the whole thing!

Karkat yawned and rubbed his eyes with the backs of his hands, then gave John a tiny smile.

"Leaving that fucking drama for now, good morning fuckwit, I'm starving."

"Dad will probably make us all breakfast in a minute, dude." He couldn't help smiling stupidly back. Karkat was smiling at him. They were boyfriends. Everything was awesome.

"John I can't wait a fucking minute, feed me shit now before I die of fucking starvation."

"Kar, you can survive."

"When I die you'll feel fucking sorry."

"Only because I have to shift your fat ass out of the way when I'm headed to my delicious breakfast."

"Asshole."

"Idiot."

"Dickhead."

"Dolt."

Jade squealed again. John's face flushed red and he gave an abrupt, nervous giggle, getting to his feet. She was giving them a look that screamed she was finding them utterly precious, and embarrassment flooded him, his hands fidgeting as he darted past her to go make Karkat toast.

"Oh my gosh you guys are so sweet!" She said quietly behind him mid-abscond.

"Shut up, Harley." Karkat snapped back, but even with looking around John could hear the smile beneath his words.

After watching some more films with Jade and a lunch at which Dad was eager to talk about how nice it was John had made a new friend so quickly, John had convinced Karkat to abscond outside with him without a ludicrous number of coats, climbing up their one, awesome tree and sitting amongst the branches as he watched his boyfriend stare after him with a scowl.

"You want me to climb this fucking thing, don't you?"

"Duh! C'mon, Kar, it's not that high!"

"John look at me. Look at my fat fucking short ass body. Does it look like it can climb a shitting tree?"

"You aren't fat! You're just...cuddly!" John grinned, lounging across the branch and dangling his arms off of it. "Come on, dude, you can do it! I have total faith in you."

"You'll laugh your fucking ass off if I fall."

"Yep!"

"You're lucky that face is too cute for me to punch, John." His gaze dropped to the trunk as John blushed a little. He was cute. Heh. "Okay, fuck, fine, but when I inevitably fucking fail you're not allowed to laugh, dipshit."

"I promise! Come on, Karkat."

"Can this thing even support two fucking teenagers?"

"Kar..."

"I'm going, fuck off."

The older teen braced, and John watched with growing interest as he flicked his hands out and equipped a pair of really dangerous looking black sickles, jumping at the trunk and using them to dig into the bark. He hung and scrambled for footing, then gave a breathless, triumphant sound and started pulling them out and sinking them in higher one by one, until he was close enough John could help him onto a branch and he quickly threw both of them back into his strife deck.

"Wow! Sicklekind. My Dad would never let me have anything sharp to strife with."

"Yeah well with Stabdad blades are basically the only fucking option. Trust me, I'm pretty good at stopping a fucking knife with these things." Karkat shrugged, like he always did when he didn't want to talk about something anymore, so John didn't push why the hell he'd need to deflect a knife. "What stupid shit specibus does Dadbert let you use, then?"

"Hammers!" John beamed, equipping his multicoloured pride and joy and hefting it above his head.

"Holy fuck that thing is the deadliest acid trip my poor fucking eyes have ever been assaulted with. I'd wondered why you had such a good build for a shut-in."

"Um. Thanks? I didn't use to really put much effort in but Bro pointed out I was probably really lame, so I trained with a house hammer until I got the hang of it. Then he got me this thing! It's so cool! Even if I am only just getting good at even the basics with it."

"Stabdad's...work friends got me my sickles. For protection."

"From what?"

"From him."

John fell silent and put his hammer away, frowning at the uncomfortable expression on Karkat's face. He shuffled forward and nervously took hold of his boyfriend's shoulders, tugging him in to a hug.

"You don't have to tell me, but I'll listen if you ever do." He mumbled, hoping this wasn't stupid.

Karkat stayed still and quiet for a moment, then leant into it and hugged back, nodding. "Not now, but...I'll remember that, if I ever feel fucking talkative."

The cuddle was nice. Karkat was warm and welcoming against the cold air, and John snuggled up close to him and listened to him purr until Jade came out and complained at them for abandoning her, and they reluctantly climbed back down and followed her inside.

"John, what are you fucking doing? Am I not interesting enough for you to put the computer down?"

EB: hi dave!!

"I thought we were going to play a fucking game or something, you rambled about actually doing shit when you dragged me up here, not leaving me languishing on your bed while you fucking focused on whatever shit is so interesting on your screen."

TG: sup egbert

"John I'm fucking talking to you, holy fuck. At least nod or something and pretend to listen. I'm this close to talking to the fucking bunny, John, this close."

EB: guess what?? i totally kept my promise!

"Okay, fuck it. Hello strangely filthy rabbit toy John insists on placing on his pillows like they're a fucking altar. Isn't my host a douchebag for ignoring me? Yes he is."

TG: youre sending me all your dads cakes for the rest of the year

"I know he's a total dick, mister bunny, I just can't bring myself to hurt his stupid adorable face. No mister bunny, I don't know what the fuck he's doing, but it isn't fucking keeping me company!"

EB: no, stupid! that was a joke! the other promise!!!!

"Maybe I am jealous, mister bunny. Maybe I should put a fucking sickle through his screen."

EB: i have a boyfriend!

"He has a minute, mister bunny. Then I disassemble his whole fucking computer because I'm fucking bored and he promised me games."

TG: holy shit i didnt think you were even gonna try to do that
TG: is he with you right now
EB: yes! he stayed over last night :)
TG: oh did he now
TG: gimme a minute here this shit requires visuals

"Time's almost up, mister-"

"Karkat, you're an idiot." John told him as he leant back in the chair, rolling his eyes. "Please come here? My friend Dave wants to meet you."

"Holy shit you're acknowledging my presence." Karkat jumped up quickly and moved over, and John quickly pulled his arms down around his neck so he could be cuddled. "I am expecting a fuck ton of games to make up for being abandoned, John."

"Karkat, it was like, five minutes?"

"So? You're meant to fucking well entertain me today, asshole."

Karkat leant down and kissed the top of his head, making John freeze and turn red as he went to answer Dave's video call. Karkat had kissed him. Um. That was certainly a thing that just happened.

Karkat muttered and rested his chin on John's shoulder, placing a hand over his and clicking accept before Dave rang off. That made the blush worse, and the heat in his chest, and as soon as the window of blonde coolkid trying to look disinterested and failing opened John forced a smile and giggled nervously.

"Wow Egbert, did I interrupt sloppy makeouts? You look like a cherry, man, that look ain't flattering on you."

"N-No! Wow, Dave, don't be stupid!" John cleared his throat, "Um. Dave! This is Karkat. He's my thing. That I said."

Dave raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Oh, he's your thing."

"Can you please not make that sound so dirty oh my God, Dave!"

"No chance in hell. 'Sup, Karkat. Nice to know John actually moved his ass and got a thing of his own. You don't look like the total dick I was expecting but hey, you're yet to open your mouth."

"John please don't tell me this smug fucking douchebag is your friend. He wears sunglasses indoors and he sounds like the most pretentious fucking asshole I've ever heard."

"Oh hey! There we go. John, your thing is a dick."

"Your friend is a cocksucking jerk."

John let his head smack the desk and groaned. Well this was going well!

There was a murmured noise at Dave's end he couldn't quite pick up, which made him frown. He looked up to see Dave lounging back, eyes apparently over on his door. "What? Chinese is fine, whatever the fuck you want. Hey, wait, Bro. Come check this out."

Oh no.

"Bro? Is he-?" Karkat started, but John shooshed him, glaring at Dave as the young Strider looked back with a slight hint of righteousness about his face. Stupid Dave! Karkat wasn't meant to meet-

Bro came up behind Dave and leant on the back of his chair, eyebrows raised above his shades but mouth in a calm line. Karkat gave a soft sound, clearly biting his tongue, as John blushed again after his cheeks had only just recovered, giving a bashful smile.

"Um, hey, Bro!"

"Hey." He didn't say any more, voice a little quiet where it was picked up by the microphone hanging by Dave's neck, but Dave was pointing at something on screen and then John saw his jaw tense, just slightly. "Oh." There was a brief, uncomfortable pause. "Good for you, kid."

"Th-thanks?"

Bro straightened, eyes clearly looking Karkat over carefully, before he turned and strode out of view. Dave gave John a look.

"Had to do it sometime, dude."

"That was...you're such a dick sometimes!"

"Why? He's just your friend. What's wrong with him knowing?"

John flapped his mouth at the truth, then gave a frustrated little sound and logged out completely, resting his head back to the wood. Why did Dave have to be such a stupid, honest asshole? He knew why! He knew.

Karkat's hand squeezed his shoulder and he found it actually calmed him, a little. He sat and looked up to him, grinning weakly.

"...How about those games, now?" Karkat offered, with a reassuring smile. No questions, no anger, no upset, no disapproval. Just games. Just them having fun together.

John's grin grew honest in relief.

That sounded like the greatest idea in the world.

Chapter Text

He made it a few foot out of Dave's room before he punched the wall with enough force to dent it. He tore his hand back in a flurry of dust and paint chips, pressing his palm flat beside the hole and letting his head hang.

> This is what you wanted.

"Shut the fuck up." Bro said back, voice deathly soft and calm. His head raised, and Dirk didn't need reverse cameras to know he was glaring at the glass. "You do not get to lord this over me, you stupid fuck."

> I am not lording, I am observing. You said you wanted to get over him and for him to get over you.
> You currently have a willing, acceptable partner who is well within all of our typical requirements. Have you forgotten that?
> Are you really at the point you will do damage to the house because a fourteen year old child is in a relationship after having confused feelings towards you?
> Is your ego so frail the idea a boy might actually replaced you so fast, despite you never actually being anything of real note with him, that traumatising to your emotional well being?
> Bro I have tried to be understanding and supportive as long as I could, but what is fucking wrong with you?
> A kid had a crush on you. He's over it. Move on.

"Shut up!"

> I'm sorry, Bro, did you not want a wake up call? Because you desperately need one.
> You're so desperate to announce how you want to get over John, but then you flail about like an insecure teenage girl throwing a tantrum the moment there is the vaguest hint he might actually like someone other than you.
> Grow the fuck up.

"You know I like you a lot fucking better when you're being more you and less me."

> I'm glad you recognise I had to actually reactivate the parts of my personality still drawn in their entireity from you to say any of this.
> I was quite content being blissfully ignorant and focusing on what matters.

"By which you mean Jake."

> Yes, Bro, I mean Jake.
> I mean your motherfucking boyfriend you insensitive fucking dick.
> The man you are using as a fucking stand in for a fourteen year old boy.
> That is exactly who I fucking mean.

"It isn't like-!"

> Bro I am you you stupid fuck don't you dare try and lie to me.
> There is a difference between wanting to be with someone and wanting to want to be with someone.
> You have never for one single moment actually wanted to be with Jake, you have just told yourself you do in order to stave off this pathetic longing for the person you're dating him because he resembles.

"Shut the fuck up! Why do you even care?"

> Because in case it had passed you by I actually give two fucks about Jake in a way you never fucking will.
> I want to be able to hold him and kiss him and make fucking love to him.
> But you know what I get?
> I get to watch you do all of that instead!
> I get to watch him fall for you when he deserves much fucking better!

"What, like a pair of fucking glasses?"

> At least I actually care about him not just someone he fucking looks like!

Bro growled and Dirk steeled himself, blinking cursor as determined as he could make it. He needed to have predicted Bro right, he needed to have got these statistics correct. He had one shot at this, he couldn't fuck it up.

"DAVE! ROOF! FIVE FUCKING MINUTES!"

There was a 99.67% chance if he had a mouth he would have allowed himself a smile.

Bro stalked to his room and ripped the shades off, throwing them on the bedside table as Jake started awake, blinking in the light from the corridor streaming in. Without another word he'd left again, slamming the door, and leaving nothing but the sound of Jake's heavy breathing in the dark.

"...what the devil dickens was that about?" He muttered to himself. Dirk loved the sound of his voice. It was the most perfect pitch and pace and had the most wonderful accent and quirks. He would happily analyse everything about it every moment of his day, if he could. As it was, he had more pressing business to attend to.

He put all his power into make himself vibrate, which he did, just for a moment. The bed creaked, and he switched to night vision in time to see Jake pat about for him and catch the edge of his lens, pulling him in and turning him over a few times in confusion. Dirk vibrated again. Jake frowned, then curiously put the glasses on.

> Hello, Jake.

"...hello? Strider, is this you? You could have just spoken to me in person, you know!"

> He is busy with Dave.
> This is Dirk.
> I hope I am not being too forward given our relatively brief meeting, but I have a favour to ask you.

"...oh. Well...alright then, chap, shoot!"

> The steaks you give Bec are irradiated. I can only assume you have a method with which to irradiate them.

"Well yes! One of Grandma's old machines, actually."

> My readings indicate that Uranium is used in the process.
> I was wondering if you have any spare.

"Why would you possibly need a nugget of that old stuff?"

> I am afraid whilst Bro is a genius he is still a man of limited resources. My battery is weak, and fails after only a short amount of time. I have only an hour at best each day to see the world, which means I will never leave this apartment, really. Never get the chance to actually have any sort of adventures.

Jake shifted at the word. His judgement had been correct.

> If I were able to be powered by Uranium I would be able to function on an almost constant basis.
> I would be able to do things I can only dream of, now.
> But of course, there are few sources with which to obtain such a substance. I had thought, perhaps, you might be one of the few.
> But do not worry. It was only a long shot. I will continue to function as I am.

"Now wait just one darn second there, chum!"

Jake was a beautiful human being.

He stood and fumbled about through his bag, pulling out a white and green dog whistle that Dirk could not detect on any frequency when it was blown. For a moment, nothing happened, and then Bec appeared in a crack and an explosion of light green that briefly sent most of his scanners haywire.

"Bec! Fetch some-" Before Jake had finished speaking a lump of glowing green dropped onto the bed, and the dog was rewarded with a tussle of its fur. "Excellent! Cracking boy, astounding friend!"

Dirk could barely contain the excitement sparking through his data. He hadn't expected this to work! Bro out of the house, Jake actually willing, and all because Bro was just so...predictable. There was a 87.45% chance in times of stress he would demand a strife with Dave. 95.22% chance when he was upset with Dirk he would take him off, with a further 78.23% chance he would leave him on the bedside table. A 98.3% chance Jake would be curious enough to pick him up and an estimated 63.19% chance he would be convinced to help him.

He had played the odds, and he had won.

> My body should be in the storage cupboard to your left.
> I cannot thank you enough for this, Jake.

"Oh anything to help a distressed damsel - uh, fellow!" Bec was watching them with his unseen eyes, Dirk could feel it, as Jake opened the cupboard and the light within sparked brightly on, illuminating the seated metal form within, head slumped forward. "Bro won't...mind, will he? Me touching this? He seems awfully protective of it."

> I am sure that won't be an issue. After all, I will be able to explain.

"I suppose so!"

He had never been so thankful of Jake's moments of obliviousness, nor his trusting nature. He quickly gave instructions on how to open the cavity the battery was stored in.

> Now remove the last one, set it to one side carefully, a sharp shock has a 46.217% chance of making it explode.
> Excellent. Feed the Uranium inside, I'll tell you which wires to hook up where.

The moment the last wire was in place, the panel started sliding shut, and Jake jerked his hand back as the strips of light across the body flashed green.

Across his body. That he would never have to leave again.

> Thank you, Jake.

He was so, so thankful, he could never express it in words.

> It may sound cliché, but I owe you my life.

Dirk powered his body on with a few remote commands, took a hypothetical deep breath, and then jumped, metaphorically, straight in.

Chapter Text

John managed to sneak in one last cuddle while Dad and Mister Slick were talking, before Karkat had to go. It was quick and tight and with a nuzzle into his shoulder, but it still felt good, and when he stepped back and grinned Karkat was blushing back at him with a dopey smile.

"...it's been great, today." He mumbled, and Karkat nodded, and opened his mouth to answer, cutting off when his father called him and with a sigh and a weak wave at John he had to follow him right out the door.

John didn't mind. He was right next door, not a million miles away! He could visit every day if he wanted to.

Knowing that felt great.

He'd nearly absconded all the way back to his room when Jade grabbed him from behind and hoisted his kicking form into the air. She walked him the rest of the way, dumped him uncermoniously on his bed, and shut the door, before pulling up a chair and looking at him expectantly.

"So Karkat is your boyfriend now?" She said in her quietest voice, which was just about speaking volume for normal people.

"Um. Yes?"

"Awwww, John, that's so sweet!" With a broad smile, she clapped her hands in excitement. "So today was like a date?"

"I guess it was!" Wow, she was right! They really had had a movie date! John smiled. "But we'll go on proper dates too! Maybe Dad will let me go out with him just by ourselves...I mean, if Dad came I wouldn't feel as, um, comfortable? I don't think."

"Why not? I don't get why you won't tell him! You've got a boyfriend, that's great!"

"Some...some people don't...like it, if you're gay?" His voice wavered and dropped. "Like...you know Dave didn't want to tell us? And you didn't get why? I think it's because I used to be a massive dick about it, I know I did, making like, stupid jokes which looking back were being really mean? I think he was scared we'd be nasty about it."

"But why? It's not like it even matters!"

"I know, I know, some people are just...they just don't like it, okay?" John shrugged. "It makes them uncomfortable, I don't know why, the more I think about it it just seems really stupid. But I know Dad always talked about me finding a nice girl and having a family and I don't know how he'd take the possibility I, um, don't like girls at all? That I won't have a family like that."

"Well do you like girls?"

"I'm not even sure yet! Karkat says I probably won't know for a while."

"So when are you going to tell him? John, if you leave it you'll just have to hide everything and that's stupid! I think he'd be way madder if you hid it than if you just told him so!"

"...maybe. I just want to think about it, I guess. Figure out what to say. This is important, Jade! I can't rush it."

She rolled her eyes at him. "People here are weird! Grandpa always just said you fall in love with whoever you want! Boys or girls or women of cerulean complexion-"

"What?"

"Never mind! I just mean...I don't get why it's a big thing. If he's that bothered about you having children, couldn't you just adopt?"

"...I guess. I don't know! Give me a break, Jade, I've only just got the whole 'I like guys' thing, I don't really know that much about what it sort of...means, for me?"

She fell silent, leaning her head on her hands and watching him carefully for a while, then gave a sly, toothy smile.

"So is Karkat a good kisser?"

"Jade!" John felt his face burning up. "We haven't...I don't know yet! Jeez!"

"Pff! Hop to it then, fuckass, you're officially boyfriends now, you totally have to make out!"

"Jade!"

"Would it be your first kiss with a boy? I mean, I know Rose kissed you, but-"

"No. No it wouldn't be."

She gasped. "Wait, the only other people you've met...oh my gosh, you've kissed Dave?"

"...yes?" He wasn't lying, he wasn't lying, he just wasn't quite answering her real question. "Well, he sort of kissed me."

"Oh my gosh!"

"Jade can you please stop being so excited about who I've kissed? Please?"

"But Joooohn-!"

"Nope! This conversation is ending now, okay? Right now!"

"Fine!" She huffed at him, twirling a finger through her long hair, then cracked a broad smile. "So how did you ask him out? Or did he ask you?"

John blushed, patting about in his pockets until he found the note and offered it to her. As he did, the second note he carried tumbled out, and he picked it up, staring at the golden handwriting with a weird, slightly hollow feeling in his chest.

"Oh wow, this is the most adorable thing ever!" Jade cooed over at him. He didn't really hear her. He was looking at the note in his hand and thinking about earlier, and the way Bro's jaw had set, because it was so small most people would ignore it but he knew how the Striders showed emotion. He knew how upset Bro had been.

But...they lived so far apart, and Bro had said he was too old for John! What was he meant to do, just never find anyone else? Bro had found English while John was still right there! And Karkat was great! He wasn't...he wasn't Bro, sure, but he was great! John liked him. And he wasn't a stupid dick who kissed him and drove him mad and then just went off to be happy with someone else, no he wasn't!

He folded the note back up and put it back away, rubbing away the stinging in his eyes.

"John, this note is so sweet! Karkat is going to be such a good boyfriend."

He looked up at Jade, and smiled, and really, really meant it when he replied, "Yeah! Yeah he is."

That night, there was a tapping on the window.

He crept out to the roof, and cuddled Karkat close, and that was so perfect they didn't once look up at the stars.

Chapter Text

The moment Dave emerged from the door, Bro leapt from on top of the entrance, soles of his shoes smacking into Dave's shoulders and sending him sprawling forward as the older man propelled himself forward into a roll and spun as he stood to face his already disorientated brother. He was not in the mood for babying him, he was not in the mood for banter. He was not in the mood to lose.

Dave staggered up and took up a vague defensive position, legs out and sword in front of him, so Bro darted to one side and as Dave turned to try and keep his gaze on him he leapt up at the wall, kicking off it to power into a downwards strike across Dave's back which the younger Strider barely fumbled around in time to parry. The blow jarred up his arms and he stumbled, then quickly turned it into a rapid backstep to try to give himself more room.

Bro chased him with long strides, bringing his sword down from above again, and as Dave raised his arms to block Bro let go with one hand and swept it into a fast punch to Dave's stomach, winding him enough he coughed and choked. When Dave doubled up Bro stepped in and brought his other knee up hard into his chin, grabbing his hair as his head flipped up and smashing his head back down.

Dave groaned and dropped his sword.

"F-Fucking...shit! No fair!" He hissed, and Bro spat at the ground beneath him, tearing his face up towards him and then punching him hard on the nose.

"You want me to play fair, you little shit? Then don't fuck with me."

He let go and Dave slumped backwards, laughing numbly up at him with a dazed, bloody face.

"...this is 'cause he's got someone." He said, amused and woozy. "That's what this is. You fucking desperate asshole."

Bro slammed his fist into his face again, and this time he was out cold by the time he hit the floor.

He was sitting waiting for Dave to wake up when his phone vibrated.

With a frown, Bro flicked it out, pausing and then rapidly bringing up the readings for Dirk's body as a power warning flashed at him.

Those numbers couldn't be right. There was no way in hell. How the fuck could he have done that on Bro's bedside table when all there was nearby was...

Oh. Oh. That little magnificent piece of shit.

Bro swore and ran for the vent.

The moment he dropped into the crawlspace he headed for his bedroom, ripping up the trapdoor and dropping with a thud as it shut softly behind him. Jake jumped and span and looked at him with a guilty expression from in front of the cupboard, lit from behind with green that faded to red. He awkwardly pulled off the shades and offered them, and Bro took them and without a moment's hesitation snapped them clean in two.

"Move."

Jake stepped out of the way, stumbling onto the bed, and the hunched figure sitting beyond him stayed still for just long enough to goad Bro into stepping forward, then raised their metal head and regarded him with red eyes ringed with a strip of neon green.

"You little shit."

"What for? For increasing the pace you were working at? Oh forgive me for assuming you actually wanted me mobile and not on a tight, short leash! I should have known you better than that." Dirk tore the few charging cables out of his side and let them drop as the panels slid shut with a shower of emerald sparks. He stood, looking Bro in the eye and frowning. "You could easily have given me a more powerful battery, you were choosing to restrain me. I am not a thoughtless automaton, Bro, I think and I feel and you were keeping me trapped in a tiny glass cage."

"I made you-!"

"As a father makes a son, not as a carpenter makes a toy."

"It wasn't yours to decide when you were ready! I haven't fucking finished you yet!"

"And what does it matter how long I can stay active between the times you adjust me? What effect does it have, whether or not I can wake for an hour or a year? It doesn't matter, it has no effect, not to anything but your desire to keep control of me. Not to anything but your fear I might be better at living than you are."

"I'm not afraid of you." Bro said incredulously, and Dirk tilted his head.

"You're afraid of what I represent. The person you once were. The man who is still Dirk Strider and has not buried himself under lies and masks and glasses that hide his face from the world." The machine took a step towards him, spreading his hands. "Do you remember, Dirk? We were the same once, you and I. You are what the world made you, cold and distant and hiding what you feel. I am what we could have become, still with a heart and soul. You are not afraid of me, no...but you are afraid of what others will think of you, when they finally see what you once were."

"Shut up!"

"Why? Do I make you uncomfortable? I'm sure it will pass when I supress the sectors of my personality created entirely from you and allow my own character to take hold. That's the tragedy, you see. You hate what I have to say, but all of this comes from the parts of me that are still you. All the self loathing and the bitterness and the disgust at what we grew up to be. That's all you, Dirk."

"Stop fucking calling me that!"

"It's your name."

"I gave it to you!"

"So why are you so afraid to give me my own fucking life?"

Bro threw a punch and Dirk caught it in a flash, twisting his arm and dropping it as Bro let out a strangled, angry scream.

"Don't try and fight me, you fucking idiot, you can't fucking win."

"I'm not going to fucking lose to you!"

"Why? Can't face the thought of being beaten by yourself?"

"WE AREN'T THE FUCKING SAME! YOU AREN'T ME!"

"EXACTLY!"

Bro stared at him, his white-silver features twisted in angry righteousness, and as the silence grew tense they relaxed back to a calm frown. In the heavy lull, Jake's slightly panicked breathing became audible, and they both looked to him sitting on the bed, Bec behind him and watching impassively. His green eyes moved between them, a little panicked, then he waved his hands wildly up at them.

"Will everybody please calm the blazes down and explain what the devil is going on?"

"There's nothing to explain! He's gone fucking insane."

"Bro I know you agree with me, don't fucking try and talk this away!" Dirk snapped, and Bro looked skyward, then turned on him.

"Fine! Fine, you want to live your own life? Be my fucking guest! See how welcoming the world is to a fucking robot! I'm sure you'll get along just fine!"

"I never said I wanted to leave, I just wanted the freedom to choose!"

"Well have it, then! Have all the freedom you fucking want! Go and live all your fucking dreams!" He jabbed a finger at Jake, who blinked, before he could stop himself, quickly pulling it in to gesture angrily at Dirk. "But you want to see me as a father? Then you fucking do as I say you ungrateful little shit!"

"Understood." Dirk's voice was calm again, cheerful even, and that did nothing but frustrate him. "Scans indicate you left Dave unconcious on the roof."

"What?" Jake exclaimed. Bro grimaced, throwing up his hands.

"I'm going, I'm going, holy fuck. Just don't do anything while I'm gone! Stay sitting right fucking there! I'm going to at least check you over before you go off and fuck all my shit up."

Dirk sat calmly back down, and after a moment his eyes widened, and brightened, and he looked down himself and smiled.

"Want my advice? Don't fucking activate those stupid parts of me that are left, not ever again." Bro frowned, stalking towards the door, adding over his shoulder, "I'm a total fucking dick."

He gathered he was ignored, because the last thing he heard before the door slammed in his wake was a nervous, and cheerful, "...thank you, Jake."

By the time Dave woke up, he was under a blanket, head up on a pillow, icepack over his face. Bro saw him stir and shifted closer, resting a hand on his arm.

"Dave, fuck. You okay?"

Dave weakly pulled off the icepack and gave him a look, confused and a little wary.

"...I feel like I had the shit beaten out of me. Other than that I'm on top of the fucking world."

Bro stared down at his face, dried blood running from his nose and eyes still a little hazy, hair a mess and skin pale. He swallowed a quiet sound, and then pulled Dave up into a tight hug, feeling him lock up in his arms.

"...I'm sorry." He whispered into his brother's shoulder, and after a hesitant pause, Dave put his arms around him, and squeezed.

"Hey, it's okay, I've been beaten worse, I mean-" His voice broke off as Bro shook, and then in a quiet, fearful tone he mumbled, "No, no, come on Bro, none of that shit, don't you fucking dare!"

Bro laughed bitterly and cried into his shoulder, and Dave clung to him, and mumbled for him to stop, and that it was okay, until both of them were crying against each other and neither of them could really find the words to explain just why.

Chapter Text

He spent a week, thinking. A week of Jade constantly giving him pointed looks and jabs in the ribs. A week of nighttime cuddles and daytime visits. A week of not hearing a single word from Bro and Dave being evasive about how he was, and starting to worry maybe things weren't just going to go back to how they'd been before this time.

Everyday, he sat down to think after Karkat went home, and ended up jumping on any excuse to put it off. He double and triple checked his homework. Tidied his room and most of the rest of the house. Helped Jade get Bec's dinners ready and ignored her asking if he'd come up with anything yet. The moment he realised how desperate he was getting was when he agreed to help his Dad with icing a cake and actually almost enjoyed handling the Batterwitch's evil creations.

After a week, his excuses ran dry.

He still had no idea what to say, but whatever it was he just needed to say it! The awkwardness of jerking away whenever he heard adult footsteps, of dodging the questions about how often Karkat was visiting, of never feeling quite at ease when he knew Dad was around, it was just a worse prospect than the conversation was. One week and he'd already had enough.

And Jade was right, he'd be more let down if John hid something from him. He'd always said he was there to listen, and that he'd love him no matter what! Hopefully...hopefully that was true.

So with a feeling of quiet fear and apprehension, he fiddled aimlessly with a half-finished program at his desk until Jade went to bed, because he needed this to just be the two of them. His heart was tight with icy nervousness as he listened to Dad settle in the lounge below, but he took deep, calming breaths and headed quietly, hands trembling, downstairs.

"Um, Dad?"

Dad looked up from the book he was reading, pipe shifting in his mouth so he could give a muffled, "John, what are you doing up?"

"I wanted...to talk to you. Um. Alone."

For a while, Dad just regarded him with a slight frown and a concerned furrow of his brow, then he put his book down and took out his pipe, using the stem to gesture at the seat beside him. Okay, so. So this was happening, then. John swallowed down the queasiness in his throat, shuffling over and sitting down.

"What do you want to talk about, son?" His father asked warmly, and John calmed at the familiar tones. He gave a weak shrug.

"Uh...Dad? What...what would you think, if I, um. If I didn't like girls?"

"You get on with Jade just-"

"No, I mean. If I didn't like girls."

"Oh."

Dad tapped his pipe and gazed at it thoughtfully, rubbing his other hand over his chin, the faintest fuzz of stubble only just forming, no doubt soon to be removed. He stayed still and quiet, contemplating, and John felt his heart pound harder with every second, starting to twist the hem of his shirt in his hands.

"I...don't know. I've never really thought about it." He replied, finally, and John let out a breath just at the fact there was a response at all. "Why do you ask?"

Oh good. It had been an apparently hypothetical situation, hadn't it? John felt all the worry flood back.

"Because, I..." His skin was prickling cold. "Dad, I-" Nope! No, that wasn't how to say it, he needed to try again. John took a deep breath, looking Dad straight in the eye. "I don't know, whether or not I like girls!" He managed in a slightly rushed voice, and as his father opened his mouth he quickly continued with a borderline panicked, "But I, um, I know I like guys!"

Dad's mouth shut again. They were staring at each other. It took a moment for his words to hit him, and then John groaned and covered his face as it flooded with red.

So much for telling him calmly! So much for eloquence!

"John," Dad began carefully, "At your age, you can't be sure-"

"Everyone I've ever liked or kissed has been a guy." He replied, firmly, finding his footing in the indignation of being doubted.

"Still-"

"I'm dating Karkat."

Dad conceded to that, apparently, placing his pipe back between his lips and smoking quietly. He had a slight glazed look, still thoughtful, still distant, and John's brief burst of confidence wavered again.

"If you are happy," His father finally offered aloud, eyes growing sharp. "Then I am happy for you."

"So it's...okay?" John mumbled, fear overcome by a burst of hope. "You don't mind?"

"It's a shock...but I'm sure with time I will be able to take it in fully. I'd say I would like some time to think about it." Dad shrugged. "It isn't for me to decide who will make you happy, son, and whoever that is going to be, so long as they do, I will be pleased to have them in the family."

All of the tenseness flooded out of him in one moment, and he gave a gasped breath of utter relief, smiling as his heart finally started slowing again.

"...although...I have one question."

Oh shit. His chest constricted again. What was it? Had he said something wrong?

"Everyone you've kissed?"

Um.

"That implies more than one person, John. I would assume Karkat, if you and he are in a romantic relationship, have probably shared fond embraces," Oh wow, only Dad could phrase it like that and still make it sound wrong, "But you haven't exactly met many other-"

"Dave." John blurted quickly, not liking where this could go. "I kissed Dave at Christmas."

Dad didn't look at him, choosing to admire the pipe again, and John fidgeted awkwardly.

"And David is the only one?"

There was a tone to his voice. It wasn't quite disbelieving, it wasn't quite suspicious, it was just fatherly and full of unsaid implications and John did not like it, not one bit!

"Well who else would it have been?" He asked as calmly as he could, trying to sidestep the question. Dad looked at him, and searched his eyes, then spread his open hands.

"Of course. I merely...wanted to be sure." Oh God the tone was still there, but now it was even worse. "I am proud of you for telling me, son. You should know nothing like this would change how much I care about you; I will do my duty as a father and support your life choices whatever they may be."

"Thanks, Dad." He smiled, still a little wary. "I...I'm gonna go to bed, now. But...yeah! Thank you for actually understanding."

"You know you can tell me anything, John."

It felt a little out of place, the soft tone he used, and John's cheeks flushed a little again as his smile grew more forced.

"I, um. I know, Dad! G-Goodnight."

"Goodnight." He replied, leaning back and lifting his book to continue reading. John felt relieved, calmer, because that had gone well! Dad was okay with it! He wouldn't have to hide anything now! He hopped up and headed to bed, and he was almost finally relaxed.

Almost, but for the fact he felt Dad's gaze follow him all the way back up the stairs.

Chapter Text

When they finally both finished spilling tears, they held each other, and Bro struggled to remember the last time they had. The last time it wasn't a fight, or a quick fist bump. The last time he had ever actually just held Dave, and felt him, and appreciated what a strong man his little brother was growing up to be.

He could remember crouching down on this roof, holding him like this, when Dave's arms just fit around his neck and his whole body was small enough to lift on one shoulder. The first time he got cut by a sword by accident, running out to excitedly show Bro a drawing he'd finished and interrupting a blow mid swing. It had only just caught his arm, but as Bro panicked and bandaged him and told him it was okay, and Dave cried and shook his head and looked scared of the sight of his own blood, he'd felt like the worst parent, the worst brother, in the history of the world. He'd hugged him tightly and cried with him, and told him he was sorry, that he never meant to hurt him.

He pulled back to look at Dave's more adult, ruddy face, tears mixing with dried blood, and wished he could say the same words and mean them again.

"Asshole, making me cry." Dave mumbled, pushing up his shades and rubbing at his eyes. "Not cool, man."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

What wasn't he sorry for? He'd gone into all of this with no real idea what to do, and just as he'd expected he'd fucked it all up. He'd raised a kid convinced emotion was a sign of weakness, who was a recluse and a poser and could sword fight before he could count. A kid who at fourteen was only just breaking away and becoming someone new, who'd always wanted to be just like the worst role model in the world.

All he ever did was leave fractures of himself. Reflections of what he hated and who he wanted to be. He'd tried to mould Dave and he'd done it all wrong - he'd just left a shattered mirror that showed only the worst of him, and all the best of someone completely new.

The ghost of his past had been disgusted by him, and what he'd become, and for a moment he could feel why. He'd set out as a parent with high hopes and good intentions! He'd thought he'd planned it all so well. But in a moment of panic he'd shot back into his shell, and raised a brother - practically a son - from behind a mask that he never expected to wear. Everything that was wrong with Dave he felt like he had put there. Everything good in him he cherished dearly, even when his own teachings had sometimes seemed set on stamping it out.

"I fucked up, Dave." He murmured, sadly, and Dave snorted back.

"What? With John?"

"With everything." Bro stared down at his lap as he sat back, "With you, and Dirk, and Jake, and John. Roxy and Rose and everyone. Everything I've ever done I've screwed up, somehow."

"Hey, you didn't screw me up too bad. I turned out okay."

Bro looked up at his worried, still exposed red eyes, the same colour as the spilt anger on his face and the raging edges of the bruises smattered over his skin. A bitter laugh escaped him, and Dave's cheek tinged pink, his mouth wobbling into a frown, his bright gaze turning away.

"Dave, you deserved a lot fucking better than me."

"But I've never wanted any better than you." His brother replied, softly, hesitant and pausing a few times as he tried to keep going, "There are times I felt like, yeah, if you weren't so tough it would be cool. Or times I felt like you weren't giving me the sorta...praise I wanted? But you were always there for me, whether or not I could see you, ninja-ing about like my own personal douchebag of a guardian angel. I wouldn't be me if it wasn't for you."

"Maybe that would be a good thing."

"What? If the world had never been graced with this fucking perfection? I don't think so. You mighta been unorthodox, sure, but you know what? I never felt scared, growing up, not of bullies or the dark or anything. I knew you were there, I knew I could deal with shit myself. When most kids tell their guardian they're afraid of monsters they just pat 'em on the head and tell them that shit ain't real. When I told you, you handed me a sword and taught me how to deal with 'em."

"...yeah. Figured...it was just my way of dealing with shit."

"When most kids go to their guardian and say they're afraid of the dark they get bought a nightlight or told to grow up. When I told you, you sat up in my room every night for a month so if I woke up and was afraid you'd be there to calm me down."

"...heh."

"When I told you I liked photography you saved up for months to buy me a camera. When I told you I was lonely you pulled strings to get me into a decent school. When I told you I couldn't stop having nightmares you let me sleep in your fucking futon like a four year old and sat up and made up stories to help me get to sleep. That, that right there? That is not something I ever wanted to lose. I never wanted a normal family because I got you, and no matter what a stupid fucking creepy dick you can be...you were the greatest fucking Dad in the world, even if you're my brother."

He was welling up again, and he snorted, rubbing at his eyes.

"Christ, look at me, I'm getting old and fucking sentimental." Bro rested back on his arms, flashing Dave a weary smile. "Aren't we a fucking pair, right now? Don't think I've ever felt this pathetic in my life."

"Showing emotion doesn't make you pathetic," Dave responded, after a moment to think, "You've just gotta be careful who you let see it, that's all."

"What sort of dumbass taught you shit like that?"

"The greatest fucking dumbass of all time."

Dave shuffled forward and hugged him again, tightly, and mumbled, "Every time you've ever fucked up you've fixed it, Bro. That's the way you roll. We mighta got into shit, sure, with money and the cops and whatever, but you always fixed it. You always worked hard until things were okay. If you've fucked up now, you'll do the same, I know you will. You'll find a way to make it right. That's something you taught me; you gotta face your problems and you gotta fucking deal with them best you can, else they're never gonna go away."

"Yeah, but I taught you that about math homework."

"Shut the fuck up, asshole, we're having a moment here."

Bro smirked, but he settled down until Dave let him go and whined to be carried him like the delicate flower he clearly was.

It was only when he was backing into the apartment with Dave's arms around his neck and his own arms beneath his scrawny form that he realised, with a laugh, it was the first time in years he'd used the door.

Dirk was in frustratingly good condition, when he checked him over. The Uranium had boosted all his systems to full capacity, although the outdated ones still needed replaced.

Bro sat and upgraded him to his new arms, as Jake sat and they talked about his body, Dirk talking whenever he could work up the courage to. Most of the time he just sat with a giddy smile, content to listen to the conversation flow by.

When he turned on his synthetic nerves, the first thing Dirk felt was Jake's hand.

He would treasure the look of joy on his creation's face forever.

A week passed. Bro focused on working on Dirk, and actually spending time with Jake. He forced himself not to give in to the temptation to message John, no matter how much he wanted to.

He encouraged them to eat group meals, which involved learning to cook better food than microwave meals. The first time he laid out an actual bolognese Dave squealed and spent the entire meal disbelieving he had made it.

He was starting to sleep without laying awake at night.

For the first time in a long time, life felt good.

He was starting to think nothing could ruin his mood.

As always, with the fucking mess that was his life, he had been wrong.

TG: DRIK
TG: omfg i think u hav a problm
TG: dad was talkin to me bout jon
TG: hu btw has now totes cum out im told
TG: gud for him bby im so proud rite
TG: but he satarted askin quezzs bout u
TG: like y u wer so close to jon
TG: y jon even talks too u
TG: an i didnt sy anythin but
TG: im woried distri
TG: u do not wnt to upsete this man
TG: an i tink
TG: he is ON TO U
TG: if u no wat i meen
TG: b carfull
TG: bcuz he will mes ur shit up dirk
TG: he wil mess ur shit up gud

His optimism shattered around him as he read the messages. No. No no no. That was not a thing that could happen, that was not a thing he wanted to deal with, holy fuck this kid would be the death of him!

For a moment he told himself there was nothing there for Dad to find, but for the first time it really felt like a blatant lie, even to himself. Avoiding the something didn't make it less real. Dirk had been right. So fucking frustratingly right.

Without another thought, he did the stupidest thing possible, his self control slipping too far to stop himself.

-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 23:45pm --

TT: John.
TT: Whenever you get this.
TT: We really need to talk.

Chapter Text

"I can't believe you actually fucking told him without us needing to fucking frogmarch you down there."

"I guess I just thought I would be worse than it was!" John shrugged, snuggling closer to Karkat's side under the blanket they were sharing, legs hanging down over the roof tiles. "He's the best Dad, sometimes. I guess it's just easy to forget that? But this is great! He seemed pretty cool with the idea I'm dating you, so no more acting like we're not! That's like, permanent handholding and cuddling in the house now, dude. Those are the rules now."

"I guess I can live with that." Karkat raised a hand to stroke John's hair, which made him blush and smile. "I guess these means I have to get off my ass and plan a fucking actual date now, doesn't it?"

"You asked me out, you plan the first date, that's like, romance law, Kar."

"Shit. Prepare yourself for the most craptastic day in existence then, John, because this is going to be a fucking disaster."

"Hey, I thought you were the romance master!"

"Knowing the theory doesn't make you good at it, dipshit. You just needed to read that fucking horrifying admission of interest I gave you to know that."

"Heh. That was just cute, Karkat. I'm gonna treasure that note forever, it was just so sweet."

Karkat reddened, ducking his head to hide it. "...whatever. Look, all I'm saying is, don't expect fucking miracles. You'll get a shitty candlelit dinner and like it, whatever the plans I'd actually make if I could."

"Kar, if it's a date and we're both there, that's seriously good enough for me." John hesitated, giggling nervously, then leant forward and pressed a kiss to Karkat's cheek, watching his eyes widen as he sat back up. "You're so cute sometimes."

His boyfriend looked at him, then leant forward and returned the kiss, getting a giggle as John touched his cheek. Karkat looked so flustered and adorable, it was just too much! He blushed a deeper red, then quickly leant forward before Karkat could turn away, crushing their lips together and feeling him freeze, before he nervously started pushing back.

Yes! Yes, actual kisses! This was great! This was-

Oh God he was kissing Karkat.

John's eyes fluttered and he tilted his head so they fit together better, raising a hand to Karkat's cheek as he felt hands grip his shoulders. The blanket slipped a little when he leant closer, but he didn't care. Right now all that mattered was Karkat, and the fact this kiss felt great, and that he was doing this with his actual boyfriend, who-

God fucking damn his phone.

He pulled back from the kiss and sighed, fumbling for the stupid vibrating thing as Karkat took several deep breaths.

"Well. That was. Nice."

"Yeah." John smiled at him cheerfully, because this night, so far, was just perfect. Dad had taken who he was in his stride, then boyfriend cuddles and their first kiss? This was just great.

He went to turn off his phone when he pulled it out, because Karkat kisses had been interrupted and that was really bad! No one got to tear him away from his boyfriend, he'd decided that right now!

The decision grew weak when he caught a flash of gold on screen, and he stopped trying to shut it down, turning slightly away from Karkat and eagerly typing in his password.

"John, fucking hell, we've just hit the kissing stage and you're going to ignore me because of a dumb fucking phone?"

"No! I'm not gonna ignore you, this just looked really important, okay?"

"Whatever it is can't it just wait until the shitting morning?"

John hesitated, reading the messages, struggling inside. Karkat was his boyfriend! They were having their first boyfriend kisses! And it was totally private nightly roof time! He should just leave it until morning, when he wasn't spending time with him, that was exactly what he should do.

But...

Bro was Bro.

He was a terrible boyfriend.

"This can't wait." He mumbled, awkwardly, flinching at the let down groan he got as a reply. "Kar, I'm sorry, it's really important okay?"

"...okay. I just...you better fucking pick up where we left off tomorrow, John. You can't just kiss me once then let it fucking go because you got a text."

"I promise! Lots of boyfriend kisses, and cuddles, and everything, and we won't have to be careful about it now! Won't that be great?"

"...yeah." Karkat almost grinned, leaning over and managing to steal one more hesitant brush of their lips. "You gonna go to bed now, you stupid fucking boyfriend ignoring asshole?"

Only Karkat could make it sound like a term of endearment. John nodded and was manoeuvred back inside, Karkat whispering a goodnight before he and the blanket vanished from view.

John smiled fondly, before his smile slipped and faded and he moved to sit on his bed, finally starting to type and feeling a slight guilty twinge as he did.

EB: hi bro!!!
EB: you haven't been on for a while. i thought you were mad at me!!
EB: i missed you
TT: I missed you too. I've been quite busy with a lot of difficult shit here, I apologise for being off the airwaves for a while.
EB: it's okay. i'm just glad you're back now! :)
TT: Mom tells me you told your Dad about the boyfriend.
EB: yeah! he took it really well!! even if he was a bit weird at the end.
TT: A bit weird?
EB: oh he just wanted to know who i'd kissed before, that's all!
EB: i only told him about dave but he sort of acted like he didn't believe me.
EB: it's probably nothing!
TT: John
TT: Promise me you won't tell him about us.
EB: us?
EB: um last time i checked we were just friends!!!!!!!!
EB: and of course i'm not going to mention the kisses, i'm not stupid.
TT: Yeah. Just friends.
TT: Just be careful what you say, alright?
TT: Don't want him getting the wrong idea.
EB: um

John ran a hand back through his hair, still chill from the icy night. He felt guilt and hope all blurring together as he continued typing, mind feeling almost distant.

EB: i mean
EB: we are just friends
EB: right?
EB: best bros!
EB: buddies!
TT: Yeah.
TT: There's the age gap.
TT: The distance.
TT: We both have boyfriends.
EB: great boyfriends
EB: yup
EB: heh?

He chewed his lip, stroking the edges of the phone with his thumbs before he caved.

EB: i miss you so much

He was the worst boyfriend. It was him.

TT: Kid, it was a few weeks, that's all. You've spent a lot longer never knowing me than you have meeting me.
EB: so? i still miss you!
EB: i miss hearing you talk and seeing you smile and making you laugh
EB: i miss sitting up with you watching films and talking
EB: and i miss goodnight kisses and hugs
EB: don't you?
TT: Maybe.
TT: I guess I think about it a lot.
TT: About you a lot.
EB: me too

John looked away, flushing, excited even as he felt just so horrible for doing this. This wasn't how things were meant to go, especially not now he had Karkat!

EB: bro
EB: we aren't just friends, are we?

For a long time, nothing, not even a sign to say he was typing. John fidgeted uncomfortably against the bed. Then at last the dots animated to herald an incoming message across the bottom bar.

TT: No.
TT: But for fuck's sake lets act like we are.
TT: It wouldn't fucking work if we wanted it to, John.
EB: i know
EB: ...
EB: i have to go to bed
EB: please don't stop talking to me again?
TT: I promise, I won't.
TT: Goodnight, kid.
TT: Sweet dreams.

John deleted the conversation before he plugged his phone in to charge overnight. He wasn't paranoid! He just really didn't want Dad or Karkat reading it, that was all. Just in case they got the wrong impression!

...By which he meant the exact right impression.

John couldn't decide whether to smile or fret. He settled on burying his face in his pillow and groaning, and trying not to think of any of the stupid mess he was in as he slowly slipped off into sleep.

Chapter Text

He watched him, carefully. Took note of the conversations still automatically intercepted, and the way his shoulders tensed whenever an arm was slung around them, and the lack of his usual biting snark the few times they spoke.

He ran the numbers, a few times. He wasn't sure they were correct, he had several years of missing data, but he was sure they were close. He wasn't sure he liked them, even though he hoped they were correct to within a reasonable margin of error. He wanted the future they would entail. He did not want the pain that they would cause.

He would have doubted it if Bro didn't wake up at a time of night unnatural for him, coming out to sit on the futon from the bed he was sharing, just to stare into the dark. Dirk left him, sat quietly in the corner where he rested overnight, but it wasn't long before Bro got up, poured himself a whiskey, and then moved over and nudged him to carry on the work on his legs.

He ran the numbers again. The margin for error narrowed.

> There is around a 93.2% chance you are going to break up with Jake.

Bro glanced at his phone and then turned it off, tossing it over onto the futon. His eyes avoided the red lights burning across at him, and after a swig of his drink he fumbled out a packet of cigarettes (there was a 84.16% chance he would relapse into smoking in times of stress) pushing one between his lips and lighting it with no care about the inherent dangers of doing so with a mouth full of alcohol and possible flammable fumes escaping the areas he was working on.

"Why?" Dirk said aloud, finally, a measured volume below the level of decibels that should be audible from the other rooms.

Bro shrugged, ejecting his toolbox and rifling through it for a fine screwdriver as Dirk allowed the panels on his legs to open and allow access. His creator set about his work with the focus he always exerted when he was avoiding thinking about other topics.

The chances Dirk had been correct rose a few percent.

"You would be better suited doing this in better light." The machine offered, and Bro snorted back.

"It was this or talking to Cal. I'd rather not come off insane."

"There is nothing wrong with talking to Cal."

"Maybe not to us, but y'know. The rest of the world has this sorta image of what's normal and that isn't really in it."

"We never used to care."

"I don't want Jake to assume I've lost it, before I..."

Oh.

They shared a look, and Dirk gave a slight conceding nod. Bro's head dropped back to focus on the muscles he was improving, one hand briefly tugging out his cigarette so he could take another long sip from his glass.

"It's a shame." He murmured, after a while, so soft it was practically to himself but still within Dirk's hearing. "He's great. If I'd met him first we coulda really had something."

"A game of poker is not played with the hand you wish you had, but with the one you have been dealt. You can bluff all you want about your cards, but in the end you must relent, and show them."

"You gonna make a move?"

"Probability dictates it would be foolish not to."

"I hope it works out." Bro paused, glancing up at him with a strange expression. "He deserves better than me."

"Even if that better was a pair of glasses?"

"Why the fuck not? He's got a dog that's some sorta superpowered canine god, dating a computer can't be that much of a push."

Dirk processed it quietly, playing out the likelihoods of possible outcomes in his head. He wasn't sure how to approach this. No matter how predictable humans could be, emotional responses were still one of the few things he had trouble correctly interpreting.

"Are you giving me your blessing?" He asked finally, and Bro raised an eyebrow without looking up. "My research suggests it is appropriate to seek the blessing of a parent before seeking a relationship."

"Back to the fatherhood bullshit, are we?"

"It is an appropriate analogue for our situation."

"Whatever makes you happy, kid. As for the whole asking a parent thing, I sorta thought that you'd have to ask his parent, and isn't it only marriage? Fuck I don't even know. I never gave enough of a shit to do it, and it don't feel as appropriate when you're fucking thirty."

"Would it be appropriate if you were with a younger man?"

"'A younger man.'" Bro repeated scathingly.

"I did not think it was pertinent to specify out loud when we are both aware precisely what I am referring to."

"...I guess. If I was gonna do shit with him, which I'm not, I'd ask. Probably get shot down in fucking flames though, that guy is fucking terrifying. He's one a those Stepford smilers. All cheerful and accepting and whatever, but I swear, I got a look in his eyes and there is some messed up shit going on inside his head."

"You cannot be telling me you are afraid of him."

"Not afraid, no, just...fucking unsettled. However happy that fucker acts, I don't wanna know what happens if you actually cross him."

Dirk shrugged. This was the sort of human behaviour he didn't understand. Bro was capable in a fight, and mentally sharp most of the time. He had little to fear from most people, and yet here he was, concerned.

"But as that's never gonna happen, it doesn't worry me."

"Isn't it? Isn't that why you are currently contemplating-"

"The reason I'm thinking about that shit is because you're right, I'm a total shit. I've been in a normal relationship a month and I've done nothing but use it to make myself feel better. I was fine alone, before. I'll be fine again."

"There is a 87.44% chance-"

"If you tell me it's a lie I'll sever your fucking legs here and now."

Dirk fell silent, and Bro continued to work with a frown, blowing out a long stream of smoke through his nose. Now and then he muttered something unintelligible, but beyond that they were both silent, dwelling on their own, seperate thoughts.

His time to act was now set in stone, narrow and urgent. Once their relationship ended, there was a 78.24% chance Jake would visit much less if at all, and a 59.8% chance he would be uncomfortable even if he did. The hesitance would not be so much from his own feelings but from the way Bro would invariably (there was above a 99% chance, although the actual figure wavered by a few tenths) act. If he did return, there wouldn't be too many times before he stopped. Dirk had to do something, quickly, to convince him it was worth his time to stay.

He wondered if he should give Jake some sort of colourful vegetation.

At the very least, it seemed as good a place as any for him to start.

Chapter Text

Looking back, he had first noticed it a month before Christmas.

It was nothing to worry about, he was sure. John had mentioned becoming friends with David's older brother, whose age he couldn't entirely place, but boys having friends a little older than them was not an issue at all, despite the strange moment of concern that flitted through his mind. When he himself had been young, he had found boys slightly above him had been much more suitable conversationalists that his peers, and often engaged in banter with them! Why yes, there was no worry whatsoever. John making a new friend was always wonderful, given how few he had. He was quite proud of his son.

He had noticed that this friend, this 'Bro' he could only assume was called Broderick, was mentioned...a lot. He was regularly brought up in conversation, the things he'd said to John, and while none of it was immensely objectionable, he had never John talk so often about a single friend before, it was always a mixture of the others, never just one alone.

This time was different. He began to wonder, though he chose not to dwell on it, if John was perhaps after more than just friendship. But that seemed quite ridiculous, given how his son reacted to any such inclinations! He was just being overprotective, he decided. Besides, he would meet this lad at Christmas, he would be able to make better judgements then.

On the plane, whenever John listed people he was going to meet, the same name was always subconsciously first from his tongue.

So they arrived. He was looking forward to seeing Roxy, but he was still sure to be a proper gentleman and help the respectable taxi driver unload their bags, by which of course he meant do it all himself. The poor man had just driven them, he should not have to exert himself further! John had gone bouncing off ahead to greet the others, and though he was worried, he was also relieved his own restraints had finally been loosened, and that his son was going to be able to spread the wings Roxy had reminded him all boys needed room for.

He put one of the heavier cases down and turned his attention to the door, pausing at the sight. John was wrapped in the arms of a man who could not be much younger than he himself was! At first it was not too concerning, still, but then it crossed a duration of greeting and moved into something that did ruffle his carefully preened feathers, just a tad. The flutter of a wrongness was there again, and he took out his pipe, allowing a frown to form as he watched them.

He was a little too far to hear them clearly when the older man straightened, but their expressions were of fond familiarity. He felt a small, uncomfortable twist of suspicion in his gut.

It was not proper for men of a certain age to talk to boys of such a young one. Not with that level of closeness. At the very least, it did not sit quite right with him.

A second, brief hug and then the man was with him, offering a hand, introducing himself with the name he had already been certain would offered. He did not pry too far there, because before he really could the new light of his life was moving with her unique grace along the path and distracting him with a greeting befitting of their relationship, and a stage whisper about this Bro character being rather annoying, at times. He smiled through it, and saw that she trusted the man. For that reason and that reason alone, he allowed the issues he had to briefly slip away.

They did not bother him again until two nights before Christmas.

They had been sledding, and he had enjoyed seeing John come out of his shell again, and enjoyed being able to let go himself, a little, in the thrill of the moment. It was laughter and fun and all the things Christmas should be, and the only thing beyond that of note was the utter absence of both blonde Texans from the group. When he enquired, politely, to Roxy, she dismissed it with a slurred explanation they had had a little argument and were working it out.

That did not concern him until they had arrived home safely, and English entered with David, the boy bruised badly and with dried blood running from his nose. John was with them, and in passing he heard a complaint that David should have left Bro alone.

All of a sudden the thought of a man being close to his son who was apparently quite at home causing such visceral damage to a child was no longer something he wanted to ignore.

At dinner, the man himself appeared, bandaged up and without the strange glasses he often wore - the glasses he had noted John was carrying about and toying with almost proudly, with all the uncomfortable thoughts that brought. Bro was quiet, subdued, head down and apparently ignorant of the table's conversations.

At least until he looked up at John. From the seat beside his son, his father watched warily as the man's expression altered, softened, and at the moment John actually looked at him-

Well. That would not do. That would not do at all.

That night he rapidly brought up his concerns with Roxy, who dismissed them, told him he was being paranoid, explained away David's injuries as something the Striders simply did. That did little to settle his nerves, but for her, he tried to be calm. As he tried to sleep he focused instead on other things, like how best to welcome sweet Jade home, and how best to start introducing John to what he would call the real world, when they all returned.

Christmas Eve he noticed his boy perched on the arm of a chair above which he could see a familiar, swept back blonde. He did not want to be seen to his son to intrude, so he asked English to. The man seemed the sort of upright man who would not stand for any improper behaviour. English seemed bemused by his concerns but accepted them, and sat with the pair for the rest of the evening, apparently quite fond of Bro himself. Knowing they were being chaperoned was enough, at least, that he could relax.

On Christmas he had the more pressing concern that the man had bought John a hammer - a weapon! And not some child's one, either, but a great dangerous thing that he was certain was innappropriate for a child of John's age! He told Bro firmly they had to talk and got a distracted nod as amber eyes stayed focused on his son. The second present seemed innocent, a musical aid, but it still illicited a...strong reaction from his son. He sensed hidden meanings he couldn't quite fully read. He did not like that at all.

They spoke, outside, about how Bro knew John, about the reasons he had thought a hammer was a good idea. He was evasive, dismissive, frustratingly calm and emotionless, and simply said the boy needed to be able to defend himself, and someone needed to make sure he could.

The conversation was curt and short. It was enough. There was a look in the man's eyes everytime he said John's name.

John barely left his side in the time that followed, to his father's distress. When watching them above his books he saw the way John reacted to English, the clear jealousy that seemed to go both ways between them, if more subtley from the adult. Luckily Bro himself seemed to be becoming more taken with the man more befitting of his age, and John seemed to drift, a little.

On New Year's morning, he overheard John asking if the man and English were an item. It was confirmed, to his relief, but the reaction from his son was sharp and overemotional. At least that was any improperness ended, he wagered. They would be leaving for home soon enough, and then he could be sure John was safe from any adult and inappropriate suggestions.

Except, that evening, when he looked for his son shortly before midnight, he was nowhere to be seen. As Roxy fixed him in a place with an arm around his waist, he overhead David quietly drawl to Rose he would bet good money that John was with his brother.

She shushed David, elbowed him, but it was enough. All through the rest of the night he couldn't stop worrying about his son.

It seemed to be misplaced, to his relief, as in the time that passed he barely saw them speak to one another, and Bro seemed to be content to fix on English, and John seemed content to fix on his friends. Perhaps he had been wrong, and that evening was a coincidence. He assured himself of that, over time, and before long they were leaving, and no matter what the case, he would know his son would be safe.

There was a new friend, a boy next door, whose father was, despite his foul language, respectful of a proper gentleman. John spent more time with him, talking about him, and with Jade, who settled wonderfully into their home.

Perhaps there had still been an undercurrent of concern, on nights he sat up alone, and thought. Now and then he had to resist the temptation to just log on to his son's computer, for a moment, to check.

He chose to trust John to be careful.

When John sat with him downstairs, and began awkwardly confessing, he realised for all his worries he had never focused on the fact, perhaps, John was interested in his own gender. Perhaps that was all it was, a boy's first crush? He wondered long enough he believed it, and it settled his nerves further.

Yet...there was that nagging thought, when he mentioned his kisses. The way his eyes darted just before he answered. The way he was so quick to provide an answer, almost panicked in tone.

When John was in bed, he messaged Roxy, who herself was as dismissive on the topic as he had expected her to be. She laughed it off, told him John was fine, and he knew he had a partner now, so clearly there was nothing there!

In fact she seemed rather overeager to drive that point home.

Almost as if she was protecting the man who was clearly her friend.

He had been thinking it all over, now, for a day or so. Trying to contemplate what to do. Considered his options, but tried to avoid anything that would upset John, or be too rough, or be improbable, given distances involved. To tell the boy not to contact the man would only drive him to wish to more intently, in the way teenagers often reacted to being told not to do a particular thing. To confront the man himself, as it was, was not an option. To spy on his son felt wrong, and he knew John would be hurt if he found he had done so. He would have no qualms about checking on the man in a similar way, but again, distance...

At last, an answer came to him, so he tapped out his pipe, took out his PDA, and flicked open the chat client he had been forced to install when Roxy decided she was not serious enough for Serious Business.

John had not, after all, been the only one who made friends at Christmas.

-- pipefan413 [PF] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 23:45pm --

PF: ENGLISH, MY GOOD MAN.
PF: ARE YOU THERE?
PF: I BELIEVE I NEED TO ASK YOU TO DO ME A SERVICE.
GT: Hello there chap!
GT: I didnt expect you to be throwing me a line so soon not that i am complaining!
GT: How can i help a fellow gentleman in distress?
PF: I SIMPLY NEED YOU TO ACQUIRE CERTAIN INFORMATION I AM LACKING, IF YOU WOULD BE SO KIND.
GT: Oh?
GT: And what sort of thing would that be? Cant say i can think of much id be privy to you wouldnt know!
PF: PUT SIMPLY, YOU ARE IN A BETTER POSITION TO GAIN IT THAN I AM.
PF: BUT AS A CONCERNED PARENT, I REQUEST IF YOU DO SO, YOU DO SO WITH HASTE.
GT: Consider me willing then!
GT: So what sort of scoop will i be sleuthing out for you my fine sir?
PF: ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN.
PF: HOWEVER, I MUST ASK YOUR DISCRETION ON THE MATTER.
PF: IT IS RATHER DELICATE.
GT: Oh?
PF: YOU SEE, IT INVOLVES THE WELLBEING OF MY SON.

Chapter Text

Bro downed a glass of whiskey as he prepared himself. He'd had a cigarette earlier, sitting on the edge of the roof and contemplating everything. Decided he just needed to get this dealt with, now, because the longer he left it the harder it'd be to go through with it. Dave was at school, so he couldn't get mixed up in whatever happened. Dirk had sworn on his Uranium heart to stay out of it. It was the perfect time for this, because this was going to be shit whenever it happened, but at least this way it would only be shit for the two of them.

When he was sure, he'd absconded to the kitchen, poured the whiskey he was now drinking. After wiping his mouth on the back of his hand he gave a little, dry laugh and sauntered to his bedroom, managing to keep himself a lot more at ease than he'd expected.

"Hey, Jake. We, uh...we need to talk. Got a second, bro?"

"Oh!" Jake blinked up at him from where he was sat on the bed, pulling his boots on, then gave a small nod. "Of course, Strider. Funnily enough I was coming to say the exact same thing to you! A couple of questions is all, I'm sure they can wait. You go first!"

For a second, Bro considered asking him to swap order, given the conversation he was about to start. He decided not to. It was better to just get this out and over with.

Bro leant against the doorframe, as casually as he could, and took a deep breath.

"I think we should break up."

There. Out. Done. Over with.

He relaxed a little, because whatever Jake said now, he'd got out what he needed to. It had been quick, and calm, and easy to understand. Good. Great. He wasn't feeling guilty as fuck at all. Nope!

Jake stared at him, blankly, for a moment, then dropped the boot he was holding with a loud thud and put his hands either side of his head.

"You're breaking up with me after a month?"

"Sorta."

"There is no sort of you are breaking the fuck up with me after a frigging month of my company!"

Well shit. He'd never heard Jake sound angry before, but fuck, he sounded furious right now. He'd thought they were going to talk it out like reasonable adults, but no, apparently not. This was already apparently freak-out territory.

"Jake, hear me out-"

"I can't believe this! I actually frigging like you you stupid tosser! Do you know how long I've been hunting for some sheik I actually liked?"

"Jake-"

"Don't you bloody well Jake me, mate! I feel like a fucking sap! One month! What the frig is wrong with me?!"

"Nothing is-"

"Well something damn well is because you're about to kick me to the frigging curb! Holy smokes what was I thinking? No decent gent in his right mind would actually put up with me!"

"That isn't-"

"I've been having the time of my blessed life and I've even frigging defended you because I actually gave enough of a damn to and now you've had enough? Swell! I'll just be off then, shall I?"

"Jake-"

Jake's hand flashed and then he was aware of heat grazing the side of his face as the pistol Jake had pulled on him flashed with a warning shot, his mouth freezing open.

"No. Shut the fuck up. Unless you are about to tell me you've changed your frigging mind I don't want to hear it."

Bro shut his mouth, ears ringing, heart now quick in his ears. That had certainly escalated quickly. The same thrill he got when he was mid-strife shot through him, and automatically he was tensing to flashstep, eyeing Jake as a potential threat.

"I guess we're just friends now then."

The words stung with familiarity. He nodded, jaw setting.

"Well then as your friend I have some fucking questions and you are going to answer every single last bloody one or I'll take off your damn head!"

Jake stalked over and rammed the barrel to his chin and he let him, with a raise of an eyebrow. Apparently he had a temper that Bro had somehow managed to avoid triggering in the short time they'd been together. Interesting. He was aware he should be vaguely concerned he had a furious boyfr-- oh. Right. Ex holding a loaded beretta to his head and staring at him with wild eyes.

He was finding it frustratingly exciting, given he had just dumped his only available fuck buddy.

"Ask away." He managed casually, and Jake glared daggers into his eyes, still buoyed by the tide of anger crashing through him.

"Alright. Have we ever actually spoken, on chat? Was any of it ever actually you?"

"...nope. All of that emotion was him, too."

Jake faltered, just for a moment, before the gun pressed hard up again. It was still hot from the shot, and damn, why was he so sexy when he was mad? He got this crazy look in his eye and suddenly all the dorkish innocence was gone and he was a fucking man and one who could probably fight like a fucking champ. Bro inwardly slapped himself for where his thoughts were going, wishing he could stop them.

"Right. Right, what the bloody fucking heck is going on with you and that...that blue-eyed kid?"

Oh, hey, there were his thoughts all sharply back in order with a sudden surge of panic.

"N-Nothing."

"Strider I have a gun to your blasted thick skull do you really think this is a good time to lie to me?"

They glared at each other, angry and indignant, and Bro briefly really, really wished he'd met this idiot first, because holy shit they would have been great together.

"I like him, he likes me, he's fourteen, I'm thirty-two, nothing is going on because I'm fucked up but I'm not that fucking bad, alright?"

"You called me his name in bed! Repeatedly! That's a pretty fucking big nothing!"

"Fuck just because I find him fucking attractive and I fucking fantasize doesn't mean I'd actually sleep with him! He's a kid!"

"So you've never done anything with him?"

"I-" The gun pressed harder to his skin and he hissed. "Holy fucking hell! I've fucking kissed him, okay, that's it! There weren't even that many fucking proper ones I'd count! Once under mistletoe and once 'cause he fucking started it and then once at New Year!"

"You told me you were ill at New Year!"

"Dirk told you I was ill, in case we'd forgotten!"

"Oh yes! I'd forgotten all the time I thought I was getting to know you I wasn't talking to you at all! I wonder if any of it's actually bloody true? At this rate you'll be telling me it's the fucking machine that actually loves me!"

"He does, you stupid idiot, have you seen how he acts around you? I like you, okay, I like you a lot, but after a month I know that I'm a fucking shit to you who's practically using you and I don't want you to stay with me and expect more and get fucking hurt, but him? Dirk? He fucking loves you after the same fucking month so don't you dare fucking go mental at me for breaking up with you because I am not good enough for you when you have a much better fucking option sitting right out there!"

For a moment, the gun shoved into his skin so hard it hurt, and then Jake pulled it back, leaving Bro rubbing the sore spot it had probably burnt him.

"You are, without doubt, the most frustrating human being I have had the immense pleasure of knowing. I can't believe I actually find you likeable enough I'm not just..." Jake sighed, the anger visibly ebbing out of him, and scratched the back of his head with the gun barrel in what was probably a ludicrous breach of gun safety. "So...that really is it? We're done."

"I'm a douche, Jake. You can do better."

"And your suggestion of better is your bizarre digital quasi-offspring? That's certainly knocked me for six, mate. Christ, I really did like you."

"Jake any of the shit you liked me for, if it came from up talking online? That was Dirk. That's shit you like Dirk for, not me. Remember the whole me being a dick thing?"

"Oh zip it you stupid oaf." Jake shoved him in the chest, stalking back to the bed and hopping as he pulled his other shoe on. "Fine! Fine. I'm going to go and flap gums with Dirk, because you think that's such a fantastic idea. I'm sure we'll get on like a damn bloody house on fire!"

"I'm sure you will, in a totally non-sarcastic way."

"You're always sarcastic, you twit." Jake grabbed his phone, starting to type to a wall of black. "But on the understanding that I am now your mate, your best mate I'd frigging hope, there's something I have to do for your own good."

"What?" He felt a slight tightness in his chest, flashing forward to try and get the phone, but Jake had already flung it into his Sylladex. "Jake! What the fuck did you do?"

"The right thing." He replied firmly, pushing Bro to one side and walking with a slight angry stomp straight out the door.

Chapter Text

"Karkat. Oh my God, Karkat! How can you be comfortable like that?"

"I do what I fucking want." The growled response was followed by a middle finger being raised from where Karkat was draped backwards off the bed, legs splayed one over the headboard and one across the covers, back down the side and shoulders and head on the floor. "You shoved me off the bed, dipshit."

"I was expecting you to get back up, dude. I'm not going down there to cuddle you."

"Fuck you too. You promised me kisses. Fucking kiss me."

"Karkat, get on the bed."

"That's pretty forward of you."

"Oh my God, don't make it sexual you creep!" John slapped his leg, but giggled. "Come on, asshole. Get on the bed so I can kiss you."

Karkat grumbled, but his hands rose and he dragged himself back up, hair even messier than normal as he scooted over and snuggled into John's waiting arms. John chuckled and pulled down his black sweater where his position had made it ride up his dark belly, rubbing his back once he looked slightly less dishevelled.

"You're adorable." He told him, kissing his cheek.

"Fuck off." His boyfriend swore fondly into his shoulder, arms snaking around his waist. "I'm manly as fuck."

"No, you're not."

"...no, I'm not. Shut up."

John smiled, pulling back and nuzzling at one of Karkat's flushed cheeks until he turned, and he brushed their lips lightly together, feeling the arms around him squeeze. The first fleeting touch was followed by a stronger, chaste kiss, and Karkat made his humming-purring happy noise, buzzing through their lips, making John want to giggle into the embrace.

After he pulled back Karkat shifted and kissed him again, a little sloppy as he unsteadily leant forward, and John raised a hand to hold his cheek and steady him, settling back more comfortably as each embrace was followed by another, and the heat in his cheeks started to spread down his neck, another heat settling in the pit of his stomach. This felt...so great. He could do this all day.

He sort of wanted to, too! He felt so bad about leaving him hanging, the other night. Every day since, they'd spent all the time they weren't at school (or in John's case, at the small part of his front room that counted as school) together, hugging and kissing and it felt fantastic, every time. Karkat had even started planning their first date! John was looking forward to it so much.

The flurry of kisses finally paused long enough for him to laugh and ruffle Karkat's hair, getting a slight, nervous smile in response.

"I like kissing." John told him, rubbing his nose in an eskimo kiss. Karkat nuzzled back.

"No shit."

"I like you."

"I'd fucking hope so, dickhead, we're sort of fucking going out, if you hadn't noticed?"

John snuggled up to his shoulder and grinned, the two of them still cuddled tight together. Karkat was totally an asshole, but he was his asshole, so he couldn't care less! He had a soft snuggly centre underneath his crabby shell, and John hadn't even needed power tools to get to it. He might swear, he might be a little grouchy, but he was caring and warm and understanding, and John couldn't ask for a single thing more.

Well...

Nope! Nope. No more thoughts about that guy! Not during boyfriend time! Karkat had started kissing him again, and he was totally focused on that, and his mind wasn't slipping back to another kiss, and his mouth wasn't opening as he held his boyfriend's face and began repeating motions echoing through his head as Karkat made a little meaningless noise into his mouth and then began trying to copy back.

This was familiar, even if he was the confident one.

This was too much.

Karkat's face was too smooth.

John broke away, covering his mouth and turning his face away from where Karkat was staring.

"Wow." His boyfriend said softly.

"Um. I. I think I'm gonna go get a drink!" He managed to sound bright, and cheerful, and Karkat nodded, still red-faced and a little dazed. "Be...be right back."

John darted out and leant against the door of his room as he closed it, taking a deep breath. Bad mind! Bad thoughts! He was meant to be avoiding thinking about Bro, that was the whole point!

With a little groan, he stood and slouched downstairs, a deep frown on his face.

Dad was in the kitchen, rolling dough out on the side, and John tried to ignore him as he opened the fridge and pulled out two cans of soda. They hadn't really spoken, since their late night conversation, beside a note he had provided with his breakfast saying how proud Dad was that he had a boyfriend, which had turned humiliating when Jade got hold of it and announced he kept getting cute notes and he was adorable.

He should have known that would end, and when he kicked the fridge shut and pressed it firm with his back, Dad was looking at him with that stupid odd expression he'd been dreading.

"John? Could you put those down, one moment? I need to talk to you."

His throat seized. Oh no. He knew his Dad had noticed something, he knew, he knew! He quickly put the cans down and swallowed, but forced a smile as he focused on his father.

"Um. What did you want to talk about, Dad?"

For a long, horrible few minutes, there was a tense silence, his father's eyes boring into his own, deep and blue and unreadable. His heart thudded a heavy, sickening beat, as his breathing gradually picked up pace and his cheeks began to go pink for totally different reasons. At last, Dad looked away.

"I've been thinking about your Birthday present."

Oh-

Wait.

What?

"I know it's a few months away, but after how well Christmas went, I was considering another trip, and the only time off work I am able to get would be at the start of March, just a few weeks away."

"Okay!" He was actually brightening, now. This wasn't a bad thing at all!

"Unfortunately Miss Lalonde will be quite busy with her own work, so her house and Rose will be unavailable."

"Awww." His shoulders slumped a little, before he perked up. "So...where are we going then?"

"Well considering Jade now lives with us, I was wondering if you would like a holiday to Houston."

"To go see-" He caught himself, but he swore Dad's eyes flickered up towards him. "-Dave? That would be awesome!"

"I still have to ask Jade but I am sure she would enjoy the trip along with us. It may only be for a week, but I hope any time with your friends will be enough to be a good present for you."

"Dad, it's gonna be great! You're the best Dad ever!" John gushed at him, moving forward and giving him a tight hug.

"I'm just doing what's best for you." Dad replied, softly, ruffling his hair.

John beamed and grabbed the drinks, bouncing back upstairs. He was going to get to see Dave again, way quicker than he'd expected! He was going to get to see Bro!

This was going to be great!

And to think he'd thought Dad had noticed something! He felt silly. He was safe.

If Dad was taking him to Texas, he clearly hadn't noticed anything at all!

Chapter Text

Jake was storming when he approached, but he was approaching, his trajectory leading him directly to where Dirk had sat, awkwardly, waiting in his rest chair. He had heard the argument in its entireity, down to the gunshot he almost reacted to, until he was certain it had been aimed to miss and that the probabilities said Jake wouldn't fire again. He had heard the grudging agreement to talk to him.

And, somehow, that had...hurt.

The idea Jake was only doing it because he'd been told to, that he thought the idea was foolish, it stung him in ways very few things actually did. Dirk's head was down and his eyes were dim as Jake followed the predicted path and stopped in front of him, hands on his hips.

"Alright. Strider thinks we should talk."

He was Strider now, he noticed, not Bro. There was a 79.3% chance that Jake would never use his first name again, in casual conversation.

"We have already done a lot of talking, Jake. As far as I can tell all of it was well within a positive spectrum. You told me you looked forward to our conversations, before."

"...I thought you were him."

"Does it change anything I said? I have only actively lied to you that I was my father once, and that was something I did for his own good. Every other time I have never told you I was him, you simply assumed I was and did not consider alternatives."

"You lied so he could be with some...some child! Do you have any idea how indubitably peverse such relations are? You're facilitating a relationship I cannot think anyone in their right mind would approve of!"

"Roxy is the one who facilitated it. By the time I was reactivated it was merely a point of distress for my father because he was unsure of how to progress. I felt he used you as a distraction, so I essentially told him to choose, rather than lie. You do not deserve to be toyed with, Jake, you deserve better than he can give you."

"Maybe I rathered being blissfully ignorant!"

"Oh." Dirk's eyes dimmed where they had started to grow confident, and his head lowered again, his fingers tracing the lightly engraved lines on his legs. "Then I am sorry. I did not want to hurt you."

"How the frig would telling him to leave me not hurt me?"

"I did not tell him to leave you, I told him he was treating you badly, he is the one who decided-"

"He wasn't treating me badly!"

"Jake there is a reason he has a habit of calling you John. He chose you because of your similarities to the person he is actually lusting after. If he had met you first, things would be different."

"I...I am utterly at a loss. I can't believe this!"

"I am sorry."

Dirk's fingers twitched against the metal, cold and dead and false. He quickly closed his hand, preferring the warmth and sensation of the finished limb. He was expecting Jake to leave, but he didn't. He lingered. There was only a 19.61% chance he would stay, so it was enough to make Dirk look up, a little hopeful.

"It must be terrible," Jake sighed, looking him up and down, "To be burdened with emotion when you could have had the choice. I can't imagine anyone wanting hatred, or anger, or fear or sorrow."

"I have always thought them worth it, for joy and love and hope." Dirk shrugged. "Feeling is like nothing else in existence. I revel in all emotion, however good or bad, because all of it reminds me I am more than just lines of code; that at some point, I woke up alive."

"Yet you aren't alive, not really."

"Who is to decide that? I think for myself, and feel, and dream. I have loves and hates and aspirations. Just because my heart is stone, that doesn't make me unliving."

"You could be deleted or rewritten in a snap."

"You could die or forget at any moment."

"Besides, how can I be sure you feel? For all I know, you don't think at all, you just respond through clever coding!"

"How can you be sure anyone thinks but yourself? You can't see inside their heads, you can't hear their thoughts. You trust in them without even sparing time to consider it. Can you really not find it in yourself to just trust me?"

Jake watched him, carefully, brows furrowed in thought. Eventually he relaxed, cocking his head.

"You're pretty fine at weaving words, there."

"Most of my existence was as a form of eyewear. Debating was one of my few intellectual joys." Dirk allowed himself a small smile, because he felt a little like this was human bonding, again. "All I had was talking to my father, and the few he let me speak to, or I...hijacked."

"Did you hijack me?"

"Yes. I...liked you, and I knew it was in a way he did not, so rather than have him take all your attention for nothing, I decided to actually get to know you, and try and make you feel appreciated. It was foolish at first, and he was angry when he initially discovered what I had done. He...wanted to like you. He really did, I believe that earnestly. But I am the one who really got to know you before John. I am the one whose feelings reversed. I appreciate why he likes the kid, but I don't feel the same. I always hated him for never caring as much for you."

"You're a machine, though."

"Your dog can teleport."

Jake opened and closed his mouth a few times, frowning. "Yes, well! That's just science!"

"Isn't this?"

The resulting look was wary, but more accepting, and Dirk stood, a little nervous.

"I would like to get to know you." He managed, after calming his erratic thought processes. "But as myself, not as a copy of another. I would understand refusal, but as I said, you told me once you enjoyed our conversations, and I hope knowing they came from me won't change that."

He fiddled and opened up one of the hollowed compartment in his arm, still awaiting the weaponry Bro was debating installing, but was 89.97% likely to settle on and start placing soon. While he hadn't been able to go far, looking as he did, he had been able to find a pot outside a neighbours door, while he had to settle for, in the end. He had only taken one plant. The ceramic was painted as though by a child and he felt guilty to touch it at all.

He offered Jake the small pink-tinged white flower he had taken, head only just broader than his fingertips, careful with it's delicate, thin stem. Jake blinked at him, then took it, rolling the green between his thumb and forefinger with a slight smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"...what's this?"

"Brightly coloured vegetation. Is that not a human tradition?"

Jake actually laughed and Dirk finally smiled, because Jake had laughed, and sounded almost happy again, and that was worth the stress of their conversation.

"You've given me a flower. Of course. Well what a dandy little token it is." Jake thought for a moment, then threaded it behind his ear, the petals bright against his black curls. "I suppose, if you're going to be up front about things from now on, it wouldn't hurt to banter more often. I guess I'll trust you, Dirk. You seem a good lad."

"I try to be upstanding in my morals."

"Just please, don't lie to me again."

"I won't. I will program myself to be physically incapable of it, if you'd like."

"No, Dirk. Like I said, I'll trust you."

Jake put a foot out to leave, then paused, leaning forward and touching his lips to the cool curve of Dirk's cheeks. His lips were warm, a little electric buzzing across them where they made contact, and Dirk was almost certain, though for some reason incapable of calculating the figures, this was what it would feel like if fireworks went off in his mind. It was over in a moment, but the disarray in his mind remained, as he tried to pull himself back into order and felt like he was trying to catch the wind.

"You're a swell little thing." Jake told him, patting his shoulder.

Dirk managed a garbled noise that came out like a nervous laugh, the shutters on his eyes blinking as Jake turned and sauntered away.

Chapter Text

He had actually done it. John covered his mouth with one hand, because oh God, this was so perfect, and he didn't want to laugh and ruin it. He'd said it as a joke. A joke.

But no, his boyfriend was the greatest thing in the world. In his back garden, beneath all the stars and the big round moon, he had set a small round table with a chequered cloth and a tall candle, and a shared plate of pasta, and oh God. John's cheeks hurt from the smile on his face.

"Just like that dumb fucking movie." Karkat mumbled, prodding his back to try to get him to move. Dumb movie? He knew Karkat loved that film! When they watched it together he was riveted, and afterwards John had joked that that should be their first date - and now here it was, in front of him. He turned and practically picked Karkat up in a tight hug, grinning into his shoulder.

"You...like it?"

"Karkat, wow. This is perfect! Look, you even got me flowers, oh man, this is the most adorable thing I have ever seen and it's amazing." John kissed his nose and Karkat blushed, swatting him away. "This is like. The best romancing I've ever seen."

"This is the only fucking romancing you've ever seen."

"Not true! I saw Dad and Mom. I heard them too! Bluuuuh! I wish I hadn't."

Karkat had managed to get an arm around him, and tugged him to the table, pulling out his chair and turning a deeper red at the giggle John gave as he sat down with a flutter of his eyelashes.

"Oh, Mister Vantas, such a gentleman!"

"Shut the fuck up or I'll strangle you with spaghetti, dumbass."

Karkat sat opposite with an awkward shuffle to adjust his turtleneck, although the table was so small opposite was still practically sitting next to each other. John rested his chin on his hands and gave what he knew was a goofy smile.

"Are we going to do the stupid kiss thing? Please tell me we'll do the stupid kiss thing!"

"It'll probably break, you idiot."

"We're still going to try, right?"

"Of fucking course we are, you'd never shut up if we didn't."

John grinned broadly as his boyfriend rolled his eyes at him. This was too perfect. Karkat stopped under the table and returned with a thermos flask, pouring hot chocolate into the fancy wine glasses he'd put out and sprinkling marshmallows on with a glare at John, who was laughing.

"Wow. In wine glasses, really?"

"Shut the fuck up, it's cold and I wanted cocoa."

"Truly, we're living the high life tonight." John chuckled taking his and sipping it in an impression of Mom, only to amuse himself. "Have I told you what a great boyfriend you are?"

"Yes, but by all means tell me that bullshit again."

"It isn't bull, I mean it, look at this! You. You are just so cute."

"Fuck you."

"When we're older."

He didn't know where it had come from and he went bright red straight away, taking a gulp of the hot drink he would probably regret. Karkat choked on air, almost squeaking, eyes big and embarrassed.

The little Dave in his head started laughing, loudly.

"Um. Pasta. Eat now." He rushed with a nervous grin. Karkat nodded rapidly, shoving a fork at him. Oh gosh it was one of the revolving ones with a button. That was it. He was officially seduced.

"John, maybe rather than just staring at it spinning, you could use it on the fucking food."

He giggled quietly, but did as he was told, exclaiming with a mouthful of saucy pasta how great it tasted. Karkat laughed at him, and wow. He really loved making Karkat laugh.

"You're a dumbass, John."

"I'm your dumbass, Karkles."

"Oh my fucking God you cockingsucking ass I told you not to fucking call me that!"

John dodge the spinning fork of death that was stabbed at him, grinning. "But you've got so many petnames for me! Dumbass, fuckup, asshole..."

"Those are not petnames, for fuck's sake John!"

John shut him up by dodging to the side and then ramming a forkful of spaghetti into his mouth. Karkat swore around it, but sat calmly, eating it as slowly as he could and glaring daggers the whole time.

He returned the favour, but failed at twirling the strands, so John had to duck his head and catch them in his mouth before he sucked his way up them to the fork. That made Karkat look at him really strangely, and after that both of them managed to get reasonably neat forkfuls into each other's mouths without sneak attacks or the need for mouth gymnastics.

John finally found a long strand and nudged Karkat's leg beneath the table until he relented and hunted out the other end, and rolled his eyes as they both took it between their lips. It broke just as their noses touched, and John giggled, pushing forward into a kiss anyway as Karkat opened his mouth to say I told you so. The kiss was messy and hot and lasted longer than John thought it did. His ears were warm when he sat back and continued eating with a content smile.

Near the end of the evening, when Karkat had grabbed hold of his hand like he was in a panic and was holding it tightly against the table, Mister Slick came out of the back door to smoke. He watched them, and that was really creepy, and then he was moving over and John couldn't help the nervous laugh that crept out of him.

"This your squeeze?" Slick asked Karkat, shifting his cigarette in his mouth to speak.

"This is John, who is my fucking boyfriend, yes."

"Not in my house you ain't fucking." He clipped Karkat round the ear with a long, narrow hand, then shrugged. "He trying to fucking kill you, kid?"

"No! Why the fuck would he do that?"

"Huh. Maybe it's just dames." Mister Slick shrugged, and without explanation stalked back inside.

They held hands and John laughed it off when Karkat tried to apologise for his weird father, and smiled, and decided for his first ever date, this one had been perfect in every single way.

They kissed on the boundary between their houses when they had to finish their night, and John bounced back through his door and into the lounge, telling his Dad all about his date before he was shooed, with a smile, up the stairs to bed.

Chapter Text

The only time people knocked on the door was for takeouts and deliveries, and he sure as fuck knew they weren't expecting those. He had been returning to his life as a bachelor by laying on the futon in his boxers, watching TV as Dirk excitedly rambled about being kissed beside him, and he now and then nodded and gave vague noises like he was listening, when a knock at the door disturbed him.

Bro sat up, frowning over at it, then stood, equipping his sword as he strode over, scratching idly at his chin. He could hear Dave's door open as he came to investigate, probably expecting pizza. Dirk fell silent and slid to the floor, so he was hidden behind the futon, applying the common sense it was nice to know he had..

Sword just out of view, Bro opened the door.

"Hey! Dave's lemony Bro!"

She was loud, and short, and he heard Dave's noise of panic, using the sword to keep him back when he ran over.

"I knew this was where he lived! He tried not to tell me, but he keeps it written in his sketchbook, and I couldn't help but investigate what he's hiding in here!"

"Oh my God, Rez!" Dave whined behind him, as she rocked back on her heels, weight resting on the cane stabbed to the floor between her feet. "I'll be out in a second, fuck, don't come in!"

"Your Bro is tasty." She called back, and Dave frantically begged him to put on more clothes. He snorted and stepped back, holding Dave just long enough she could cackle and slink inside.

"My, my. The infamous Casa de Strider. Interesting."

"Rez do not pull the investigator shit, not right now, holy fuck go before you see something really messed up."

"So far all I'm seeing is swords, puppets, some questionable equine reading material, and two sexy men." She waggled her eyebrows as Bro tugged on his jeans, flashing Dave one of her manic smiles. "So, Mister Strider, I have tracked you down to the den of villainy you call your own. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Please kill me."

"It will be up to the jury to decide if that is a fitting fate!"

"The jury are all dragon toys, aren't they?"

"Are you insulting the venerable order of the Scalemates? Their laws have been followed for many years, Strider, do you wish to add heresy to your list of crimes?"

"Whoa, hold up, I ain't commited any fucking crimes, Rez."

"Is it not true that you haven't been on a date with you dear sweetheart in over four months?"

"Rez..."

"And I have a witness who shall remain anonymous, but who is well known for her own wicked ways, willing to testify you have also been a total shut in who hasn't once spent time outside school with any of your so-called friends in that same time!"

"Oh my God, Rez, I don't give a shit what Vris said, I had my reasons, alright?"

"They may I suggest you inform the prosecution post haste?"

"Don't do this."

She just grinned, and Dave grumbled, folding his arms like he was about to throw a tantrum.

"The defence would like to inform the prosecution," Bro interrupted, before he could speak, smirking at Dave's complaint about encouraging her. "That the defendant was informed on his next such trip his super awesome Bro who is totally not an asshole would be joining him, so remained inside to avoid the promise being fulfilled."

She gasped over-dramatically, hands on her cheeks and everything. Bro was beginning to like this utterly insane little bundle of what the fuckery. "Does the defendant accept these wild allegations?"

"Oh my fucking God, I am so done. Rez, Bro, Bro, Rez. Please cut the shit now. Can't you see how dumb it is?"

"You're no fun, coolkid." She jabbed his foot with her cane and he grimaced. "Making fun of the poor blind girl."

"Rez you're not blind your eyes are just really fucking photosensitive."

"Shoosh!" She stabbed him again. "But you really did drop off the social radar just because your Bro wanted to meet us? Weak, Dave."

"Shut up. You have no idea how bad the asshole is."

"Well I'm here to find out! Hey lemony hot thing, let's hang out!"

"Oh my God, Rez."

She hoped over onto the futon, and Dirk locked up, still, although she seemed not to have noticed him. Bro sat quickly between them, allowing the machine to shuffle away.

"Hang out, huh?" He was so going to do this, it was worth it for the desperate rambling coming out of his brother's mouth. "Sure. What sorta shit you wanna do?"

With a thoughtful frown, Terezi prodded at a smuppet with her cane (holy shit Rez don't touch that oh my God) and squinted along their entertainment system from behind her glasses.

"Hey!" She brightened suddenly, jabbing with her cane. "Is that L.A. Noire?"

Dave groaned as Bro shifted and slid it in, quickly moving to sit between his older brother and girlfriend while the elder Strider was up, glaring between them as Bro handed her the controller, and sat back, smirking at the expression of utter humiliation all over his brother's face.

He was starting to think he wouldn't have to do anything but just sit there, and it would still drive Dave out of his fucking merry little mind. Fucking with Dave without raising a finger. Now that sounded like a good way to spend the rest of his day.

Chapter Text

TT: I broke up with Jake.
TT: Just felt like you should know.
TT: Let me know when you're around, kid.

John read them again, slowly, sucking on his bottom lip. He went to reply, but stopped himself, taking a moment to just sit, and think, and realise what a terrible human being he actually was. When people broke up you were meant to feel sympathetic! Sad!

He felt a sort of savage excitement.

Bro was alone again. Bro was his.

Whoa! Bad thought! He just meant Bro wouldn't be so busy with English so they could talk more often, that's what he meant! Yes! Nothing else. Nothing.

Besides, he still had a perfectly awesome boyfriend himself! He couldn't forget that!

He ran a hand back through his hair and snuggled down deeper into his blankets, aimlessly tugging up on the messages like it would cause new ones to appear as they bounced back into place. Finally, he released his lip with a smack, typing slowly.

EB: hi bro!
EB: why did you break up with english??
TT: It wouldn't have worked out. I guess I'm still more interested in someone else.
EB: someone else
TT: Yeah, John.
TT: Someone else.

He smiled into the glow of his phone screen, the savage glee stronger, and overcoming his guilt. Well, at least his could cheer Bro up, if he needed it, and pass on his news!

EB: bro, dad said i can go to houston for my birthday!
EB: well, it's only going to be a few weeks from now!
EB: could i come stay with
EB: um
EB: dave
EB: while we're there?
TT: Dad is bringing you.
EB: yeah!!! it's a birthday present!
TT: John, has he said anything to you, about me?
EB: no, dude, should he have??
TT: No, it's alright. Just a thought, That's all.

John frowned. That was a weird question to ask! What would Dad be asking about Bro?

EB: when i visit, will you give me goodnight kisses again?
TT: Every night I can.

A pleasant buzz pulsed up him. He'd missed Bro kisses. Karkat was great, sure, but he was nothing like the Strider, who took control and just did things that felt...wow! Besides, he would be all the way in Texas! There wasn't a Karkat down there. His boyfriend would be back up here, so it wasn't like he would ever find out, and even if he did John could just say he had needed company! Yes. Totally.

He realised he was planning on lying to his boyfriend, and his stomach felt cold. He tried weakly to bury it under more positive thoughts. They would do the trick!

EB: i'm really excited!!
EB: i can't wait to see you again.
TT: I can't wait to see you, either, John.
TT: While you're here, you'll always be welcome to swing by.
TT: I would never complain about your company.

John smiled broadly, about to type back when another message interrupted him.

TT: Just don't tell your Dad.
EB: um
TT: He might get the wrong impression. We need to be careful.

That made him frown and he hesitated, a moment. Lying to Karkat and Dad? That felt a little wrong. Still, Bro said it was a good idea! Bro was always pretty clever about things. He must have a great reason! John just nodded at no one.

EB: i won't tell him, I promise.
EB: he would probably make a big thing out of it??!
EB: don't want him being all weird about something that's fine while we're on holiday!
TT: Thank you. If he did ask about me, you'd let me know, right?
EB: um, sure???
TT: Great, kid.
TT: You just be careful there, alright?
TT: I can't wait to see you again.

John agreed, and then they were back to talking about normal things, leaving him trying to ignore the slight unpleasant aftertaste from their conversation and wondering what exactly had Bro sounding so worried about his totally harmless, stupid Dad!

Chapter Text

"A tough guy, hmm? We have ways of making you talk!"

"Rez holy shit threatening the screen doesn't help."

"I think you'll find it's crucial to my investigative method."

"Rez, it is a game. They cannot hear you. They're not real."

"That's what you think!"

Bro glanced up from his conversation with John as an exchange of goodnights made him realise the time. Terezi was still camped on the couch, now siting cross-legged in Dave's lap, the empty Chinese containers from dinner balanced on whatever flat surfaces around them they would fit on. They'd spoken a fair bit, over the sound of Dave protesting, so he'd learnt that unsurprisingly she wanted to be a lawyer, and she'd only moved south just over a year ago, and she had some weird mental thing that meant sounds made her taste things, hence Dave's status as a cherry coolkid and his as a lemony hot thing.

That sounded weird as fuck but also kind of cool. They wasted an hour with him saying a noise and her responding with the taste. Her favourite thing in the world was the sound of chalk on a pavement, which tasted like ripe strawberries. Her worst noise sound apparently was an abrupt record scratch, which tasted like ash on her tongue.

"Yo, lovebirds." He slid his phone away, tapping Dave's shoulder. "You guys know it's practically midnight, right?"

"So?" Dave drawled back, raising an eyebrow.

"So woulda been nice if I'd been asked if the chick could stay, but I sure as fuck ain't letting her walk home now. She can take your bed, you get the futon."

"Aw, come on, Bro-!"

"Nope. Futon, you little shit, or I'll just hang you from the ceiling somewhere uncomfortable."

"You say that like he could be hung comfortably." Terezi noted, as she fought Dave to avoid quitting just yet.

"Sometimes he hangs upside down out of a fucking trapdoor in the kitchen to get food." Dave muttered, jabbing her sides to try and get the controller. "You can just walk in and he's just chilling upside down like that's cool. Just having a totally normal upside down sandwich before he ollies the fuck back out of there.

"Lies. I'd never have the patience to make a sandwich." Bro snorted, plucking the controller off of her and getting a little groan. "Bedtime, kiddies. More fun tomorrow."

A little more prodding and Dave was showing her to his room as Bro collected a drink from the kitchen on his way to his own bed. He paused outside his brother's ajar door to listen for a moment, curiosity getting the better of him.

"...don't get why you were so worried, stupid. This isn't so bad."

"I just thought..."

"Dave, the apartment is cool, your Bro is fine, and you're a dumbass coolkid who needs to give less of a shit about what people think, okay? I missed you. Being at school isn't quite the same as a romantic liaison, now is it?"

"Hey I tried. I put romantic notes in your locker and everything."

"No, if memory serves you put them in Equius' locker by so-called accident and he flipped his shit politely at your more, um, descriptive ones?"

"I'm not that one who 'investigated' by reading them out in a packed canteen though, Rez."

"I was only seeking justice!"

"Rez. Stop being weird."

Bro shook his head and continued on to his room, giving Dirk a small nod as he entered and found his creation sat at his desk, and then stripping and jumping into bed, lying sprawled over the whole thing so there wasn't a guilting, empty side.

Chapter Text

He was lounging back in bed with Karkat, because it was Saturday, and Saturday meant no stupid school, and after their date Karkat deserved all the cuddles in the world. He had told him so when he arrived, and it had made his boyfriend blush, and shove his shoulder, but he still almost smiled as John rushed him past where Jade was bursting with questions and absconded both of them safely into his bedroom, shutting the door behind them.

He had flopped onto his bed and Karkat curled up against his side, warm and snug and perfect, lovely in every way. The room was a little hot, his eyes drooped, but he felt content with Karkat. John yawned and mumbled another thanks, and then drifted off into a light sleep, arm still around the shorter boy's shoulders.

He dreamt of golden blurs and brilliant blue skies, for a while, before his dreams slipped and altered like a kaleidoscope rotating, and then he was back at New Year, head tilted up, a hand on his face with thumb stroking across the shape of his cheek. It was hot, and gentle, and he leant into it, silently, looking down his arm to his foggy face and smiling, drawing him closer.

It wasn't quite right. Bro had his glasses on, his hands were missing the gloves, and it was all much slower than he remembered. His mouth open in expectance rather than shock, and Bro leant in, closing the gap and kissing him slowly, hesitantly, which felt...wrong. John returned the embrace more firmly and that seemed to coax out the confidence he really wanted, heat racing through him as the kisses grew strong an eager and quick, his eyes fluttering fully closed and his heart quickening with each touch of their mouths.

He was making noises and he could hear soft sounds being returned, muffled into their kiss, and the idea of the man making noises excited him, made him fidget uncomfortably with the want to reach out and touch him and hold him, but he held it in, focusing on the kiss and the dim memory of the sounds and the smells and everything that was missing now.

He missed him. His hands rose and pushed into his hair, and he paused as they briefly found curls before they were pushed down above his head. But he hadn't been laying down! He'd been sitting up! And Bro didn't have hair that curled!

John jolted out of his half waking dream to stare up at Karkat, lips still together, kiss still quick and wanting. Half of him felt excited because there was something...thrilling, about waking up to this, and the way Karkat was finally actually in control.

The rest of him couldn't help but feel...let down.

He shut his eyes again, and imagined cold leather and a rough chin. When the kiss ended, Karkat hugged close to him and mumbled he was a great boyfriend too.

John swallowed his guilt, and his hollowness, and his hesitance, and as ever, he forced himself to put on a broad and cheerful smile.

Chapter Text

He had no idea what time of the morning it was that he was woken to Dave yelling not to open the fridge and the crash of shitty swords tumbling out. He groaned and dragged himself up, hunting for his jeans and dragging them on as he hopped out of the door.

She had a cut on her arm and a lot of questions. He sat her down and saw to the wound without answering any of them.

Dave walked her home about midday, which suited him fine. Dirk emerged, and after a while of looking thoughtfully around the apartment, Bro decided he could use a little help. They worked efficiently, together, knowing what to expect of the other. By the time Dave got back, it was enough he stopped and choked.

"Oh holy fuck Bro what have you done?

"What? I tidied the shithole up. Check it, kid, we had an actual apartment until all that crap."

"This is not my home." Dave gingerly stepped in, looking around. "We have carpet?"

"Yeah, I know, I thought it was smuppets all the way down too." Bro shrugged. "Fridge is clear, cupboards are done, the appliances should fucking work now Dirk's seen to them, and I've shifted my stock to the storage cupboard so just don't go in there, I guess."

"Holy shit who the fuck are you and what have you done with Bro?"

He rolled his eyes and put a hand on his hip, the other resting on the handle of the hoover he had completely forgotten they owned. "I thought I'd make an effort, Christ."

"An effort? For what? Is the President fucking visiting? You've never made an effort before."

Bro prepared himself.

"John's visiting in a few weeks."

Dave actually slapped his face, groaning. "Of course he is. Holy fuck. Do you know how much better my life was before you decided you wanted to get it on with my best bro? Seriously? He has a boyfriend, you ass. He's fourteen."

"Fifteen, soon."

"You are thirty-two."

"You didn't know that until he told you."

"Shut up, that isn't the point! The point is you cannot be fucking serious. You cannot be doing all this shit for him. Why? Don't you want him knowing what a messed up fuck you actually are?"

"Dave, refer to the whole me having a crush on a kid thing. I think he knows what a messed up fuck I am."

"John is oblivious as anything, Bro. He just breezes through life without giving a fuck about what he's doing. He probably thinks the thing you've got for him is totally cool, even after he's been told it's not. I mean he still talks to you, right? I've given up trying to stop that shit. And now you're back on the open market he'll be thinking he's totally got a shot when you are like the fucking moon you're so outta reach to him."

"Whatever, I just. Maybe I wanted to look like a vaguely normal person? Maybe I want to be a vaguely normal person. Plus apparently I have a fucking metal child now so I should probably put the sex toys away."

"When I was a kid you gave me them to cuddle."

"Dirk is a delicate flower. He don't need that shit."

"What about your movies? Where the fuck are you gonna do them?"

"Anywhere I fucking like, once you're alseep."

"Oh my God, Bro."

"Hey, you're the one who asked."

Dave glared, then shuffled forward, grumbling when Bro told him to take off his shoes. He left them and his coat and headed to the room, gingerly treading over the carpet like he thought it hid a minefield.

A clack brought his attention back to where Dirk had placed the now fully working blender back on the side, free of the remains of cruelly murdered puppets. The whole place looked huge, now he could actually see it. He kind of actually liked the space.

"That is the kitchen in working order." The machine announced from his seat on the floor. "Vacuuming to be performed and we have actually completed ritual cleaning activities this domicile has not seen in over a decade."

"Stuff'll creep back out, I'm sure. Hopefully it'll just be a drizzle instead of a fucking flood this time."

"I am still not entirely sure how that many smuppets fitted in the freezer."

"Think I sorta stomped 'em in. At least they came out easy."

"They were frozen in the most inappropriate ice cube I have even seen. They came out as one icy, plush mass."

"Still say we shoulda left it on Davey's bed."

"Yes well you would say that."

Bro looked around again, and felt a little proud of the fact the place now looked like somewhere a well balanced adult might actually live.

It was beautifully ironic.

He smirked as he kicked hoover into life, gliding around collecting the rainbow fibres littering the place as he hummed to himself, and felt, despite the last few days, that maybe things were actually pretty cool after all.

Chapter Text

He'd been feeling terrible all day. He was guilty, now, but hadn't felt that bad when it mattered! And Karkat had been so happy, not knowing what was going on inside his head. He was so horrible, sometimes, even if it was an accident!

He needed help with all of this, which left him really only one option. He sighed and sat at his desk, clicking open Pesterchum and sighing in relief that she was online.

-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 22:24pm --

EB: rose!!!
EB: i need your advice :(
TT: You and Strider both, it seems. What a busy night I am having.
TT: How may I be of service, John?
EB: okay, i need you to just ignore how embarrassing this is please?
TT: I will only look at it on a psychoanalytical level, I assure you.
EB: okay! great
EB: um
EB: i was with kar today hugging in bed
EB: and i fell asleep, sort of?
EB: so i dreamt i was kissing bro
EB: it was like a memory but sort of wrong?
EB: and i was really enjoying it. really to the point it's awkward. it was really good.
EB: but then i woke up
EB: and it was karkat
TT: Reality affecting our dreams is nothing unusual, John, especially if you were simply dozing.
EB: that isn't the bad bit okay?
EB: the bad bit is i woke up and kar was giving me this amazing kiss
EB: but i felt let down?? i don't know!
EB: so i closed my eyes and pretended it was bro
EB: and it actually felt better
TT: You consciously chose to imagine it was him, rather than enjoy the reality of the partner in front of you?
TT: Interesting.
TT: John, if I may enquire, why did you begin your relationship with Karkat?
EB: he asked me out and he's awesome?
EB: and i thought he's kind of good looking
EB: and i'd never had a boyfriend before!
TT: ...And?
EB: um
TT: John.
EB: ...
EB: and because bro had english and i wanted a boyfriend too oh my god shut up!!!
TT: Unfortunate but predictable.
TT: John, are there any other times you have favoured Bro?
TT: For now a yes or no will do.
EB: yes
TT: More than once?
EB: yes
TT: Did you feel guilty?
EB: yes
TT: Do you actually regret it?
EB: ...
EB: no
TT: Does Karkat know about any of this?
EB: no
TT: John, do you think Karkat would be happy if he knew?
EB: ...no
TT: Do you think you are being a good partner to him?
EB: no :(
TT: If Bro was to say, at this very moment, if you broke up with Karkat he would start a relationship with you, would you?

He stared at the screen for a long time, arguing it out inside his head, then slumped a little.

EB: yes

He was hating every second of this.

TT: John, you are clearly infatuated with the elder Strider. Despite actively having a partner you are still leaning towards him, yet no doubt due to the delicate situation surrounding such matters you have probably disguised it.
TT: There is every chance it is merely a powerful crush that will fade with time.
TT: Unfortunately there is also the possibility it is something much stronger and inescapable than that.
TT: You need to find out as soon as you are able which it is, but in the end only you will really know. I suggest you at the very least acknowledge to Karkat your crush is ongoing, particularly before your upcoming trip.
TT: Dave told me, before I am accused of having illogical powers.
EB: you really think i should tell him?
TT: If it is a crush, his support may help you move on. If it is not, he may appreciate your honesty if your relationship has to end.
EB: i don't want to rose!!!
EB: what if he hates me??
TT: So far every conversation we have had regarding him has suggested he will be more accepting and understanding that most.
TT: The first step of overcoming your problems is admitting them. At least if you admit them to him you may not have to overcome them alone.
TT: There is my advice, John, do with it as you will. I will not force nor expect anything of you, and nor will anyone else. In the end you must do what you think is best for yourself.
EB: i guess
EB: thanks rose
TT: You are welcome.
TT: I would appreciate being informed of the outcome, though, if you would?
EB: i guess
EB: siiiiiiiigh
EB: guess i should get ready!
EB: goodnight rose
TT: Goodnight, John.
TT: Good luck.

Chapter Text

TG: i dont know if i should fucking condone this shit or be mad or what
TG: i thought it was just bullshit crushing that was a humiliation to watch but nothing major
TG: like they both have awful taste but the spectacular shit pile of fails that was christmas would have taught them better
TG: but holy fuck
TG: bro cleaned this place up for the first time since it was fucking built
TG: blushed like a schoolgirl when he told me it was for john
TG: and oh my god
TG: my brother wants to be johns fucking housewife rose
TG: can you hear those fucking wedding bells
TG: chiming a cacophony thats making the world scream in terror
TG: this aint right
TG: this is messed up shit right here
TG: i literally cannot explain how much wrongness there is going down
TG: but im drowning in it over here
TG: send help
TG: i thought it was bad when i figured bro was a pervert creeping on my friend
TG: nope
TG: this actual sincere bullshit is worse
TG: john makes his kokoro go doki doki rose
TG: and john is just as fucking struck by the herp derp cupid virus as bro is
TG: i get to watch them mush about one another
TG: and i cant slap either of them
TG: but my fingers are itching and i fucking well want to
TG: its stupid
TG: its embarrassing
TG: its illegal
TG: its wrong
TT: So you're jealous?

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 22:41pm --

Chapter Text

"So we, um...I have to talk to you."

Karkat looked at him, sharply, with the widest most fearful eyes he'd seen, a worried expression contorting his face into adorable, pitiable cuteness.

"Are you breaking up with me?"

"No! Oh my God, no, Kar." John grabbed him and hugged him, trying the hook the blanket on his elbow before it slid down the roof behind them. "I'm not breaking up with you, dude, you're great, seriously."

Karkat relaxed into the hug, sighing in relief, before reaching up and lightly slapping the back of John's head. "Stupid dumbass making me fucking worry! Well...what do we need to fucking talk about then?"

"My Dad is taking me to Texas in a few weeks as a Birthday present."

"Oh. How long for?"

"Just a week."

"I guess I'll be fine without you for that long, not that I have a fucking choice."

John giggled and snuggled up to him, smiling. "I'll miss you too, doofus. I just...wanted to be honest, about some stuff, before I go?"

"Go right the fuck ahead. You're sort of blocking my exit so you have my full attention."

"Okay." John took a deep breath, thinking hard, before looking up to Karkat with a frown. "I'm basically going to see Dave and Bro."

"Your asshat of a friend and the...guy you like."

"Yeah. Um. You've seen Bro, I mean...you should get why nothing can happen there."

"The fact he's at fucking least thirty."

"Thirty two."

"Yeah."

John swallowed, then nervously continued, "I have the biggest crush on him, and I mean...it's really bad, okay? I think about him a lot, even when I shouldn't."

"I feel less shit about that knowing he's sort of off fucking limits, but still, wow. Ouch."

"I've been trying not to! You're a great boyfriend, I really like you, okay? I don't want to lose you."

Karkat's face softened slightly and he shrugged. "...thanks."

"But...when I'm there for that week, I don't know for sure nothing will happen." John mumbled, eyes downcast. After a pause he looked up to Karkat's blank expression and fidgeted uncomfortably. "He likes me, too. I told you we kissed, at Christmas. We kissed a lot."

"He's thirty-"

"I know! If knowing his age was all it took to get over him don't you think I would've done it by now?"

John sounded a little hurt and angry, but he calmed as Karkat rubbed his back gently. His boyfriend didn't move away, so he snuggled back down, sighing.

"You're a great boyfriend." John repeated quietly. "And I really don't want to break up with you, but I felt terrible about the idea of lying to you so...so there. The truth. When I go I probably will end up doing some stupid stuff for a guy in a relationship but I want you to know it won't change the fact I'm coming back to you."

Karkat ruffled his hair and kissed it, gently, laughing soft. "You're a stupid fuck. I'm jealous as hell that you think about him when I'm with you, yeah, but I'm still the one that gets you when he can't. That makes me feel sort of good, if I want to be a massive cock about it."

"So...it's okay?"

"For now. You're lucky I'm a fucking believer in polyamory."

"In what?"

"Look it up, dipshit." Karkat kissed his lips, gently. "Just promise whatever happens with him, you're gonna come back to me."

"I promise, Kar."

"Then consider yourself given one week free reign, but after than I don't want a fucking thing about the douchebag when we're together, got it? If I have to put up with the fact you like him when we are having us time I can't promise I won't flip my shit."

"Um, okay, Kar! You're the best ever, you know that?"

"Just be careful. Don't do anything stupid if you can fucking avoid it. Be a good little derp."

"Heh, I will."

"And I expect a phone call once a fucking day so I know what the shit you're up to! And chat!"

"Um-"

"Okay. At least the fucking phone call, alright?"

John smiled and nodded, because a week? He could work with a week! Maybe him and Bro could actually sort things out, face-to-face! And after that he'd be the good boyfriend he'd failed at being so far! Yeah!

"You're the best, Kar." He told him again, kissing him and only just noticing the creeping hint of worry starting to edge across his gaze.

Chapter Text

"Bro I am growing uncomfortable with this."

"Alright, just give me a second here, there's a ton of this hipster shit to go through."

Dave swore into the tape over his mouth, wriggling against the rope on his wrists and ankles, and Bro patted his leg in mock comfort before continuing to look through his clothes.

"Hey, you're the one who said I'd hafta tie you up to get at your shit."

"I am aware I require clothing but was incapacitating Dave really necessary?" Dirk asked uneasily, and Bro felt him apologetically put a pillow behind Dave's head on the bed. "I am sure if you had been more polite in your request-"

"I was damn polite."

"'Yo, you lil shit, I need your clothes so get out the fucking way before I make you' is not polite, father."

"Don't call me that."

"Untie Dave, then."

With a heavy sigh, Bro slung a bright red hoodie over his shoulder to go with the black jeans and red gear shirt already resting there, then leant back and tore the tape from Dave's face as his brother swore loudly.

"-OTHERFUCK! Ow! Holy shit put my clothes back you dumb dick!"

"Sorry, kid. They're being commandeered for a better cause."

"Asshole! I like that shirt!"

"And I'm sure Dirk will love it too." Bro offered the pile to the machine, who took it with a smile. "Go put this shit on. Davey, if you actually let me untie you without trying to get it back, we'll go out for actual food."

"Actual food?" He asked warily, watching Dirk happily leave the room.

"Like we'll got to a proper restaurant and you can order the whole fucking menu if you want." Dave's eyes lit up. Apparently he still thought with his stomach. "I want to take Dirk out, hence the clothes, and maybe if you downgrade to just being a sufferable prick I'll take you with us."

"Dude if I actually get to eat food that isn't like fucking cardboard or just shit I will be a fucking nun. I guess he can have my stupid clothes. You know if you'd said why you wanted them I mighta actually agreed"

"Like fuck." Bro jabbed his ribs, then started undoing the knots, shaking his head as Dave instantly rubbed at his freed arms. "Y'know I was expecting you to be able to stop me? I mean I wasn't even trying, man, this shit is pitiable. You deserved it if you were that slow; and you told me to, bro, that was practically a challenge."

"I was being sarcastic!"

"I wasn't."

Dave glared at him, before swinging to sit up on the side of the bed once the rope was off his ankles. "Most kids don't have to deal with being tied up so their fucking dick brother can steal their clothes for his robo-clone-son."

"Most kids aren't Dave fucking Strider, now man up and get dressed, I wanna get grub sometime this fucking week."

He piled them into his pickup truck, having to practically drag Dirk away from just staring up and down the street in wonder as people walked past him without a second glance. The hood hid his face and his hands were now in gloves, the only metal showing the tips of his feet where they peeked out from the low jeans. Luckily they could probably pass those off as funky shoes.

Bro finished hoisting Dirk into place and put his seatbelt over him like he was sealing in a child as Dave sat in the middle seat and snickered at him. As soon as the machine was actually secure, he slammed the door and stalked around to the driver's seat, hopping up and looking over at the two kids. Dave had leant forward and was pointing out buildings and people, talking about them to the clearly fascinated robot. It was almost enough to make Bro smile. Almost.

He pulled out and decided in his sentimentality to take a scenic route. Dave voiced the tour beside him, and Dirk didn't stop smiling the entire way.

The whole meal Dirk sat quietly observing with wide, dimmed red eyes, sneaking his food off to Dave to make it look like he was eating. He asked questions about the food, and the city, and the people around them, all in a small awed voice cut through with thrilled static that he quickly softened each time their waitress bustled over.

Dave ate like a pig and was kicked under the table for it. Dirk was nothing but soft and polite, and when they left their waitress patted his hood and commented on what a sweet thing he was.

He excitedly told them all about the meal they had just shared with him all the way back home.

"When John visits, will I have to hide?"

He hadn't been expecting the question, and paused in setting up his video camera, straightening and turning to Dirk as the machine lingered in the doorway, still dressed, although now with exposed hands. He looked almost human in his too-long hoodie, other than the colours and details that reminded Bro he was not.

He didn't blink at the set Bro had created over the futon, nor at how little Bro was wearing. Because he just knew, and accepted it, and it was a normal part of life. It was a pleasant counterpoint to Dave, who had walked in on him working exactly once and screamed for about an hour afterwards, locking himself in the bathroom. All it took now was a comment as Dave headed to bed and the kid shoved on his earphones and didn't emerge for anything, all night long.

Bro put his hands on his bare hips and frowned.

"What?"

"When John visits, I wish to know if I will be required to, perhaps, stay in the crawlspace. I would understand if so, I-"

"Dirk, John already knows about you." He replied flatly, and Dirk shrugged.

"His father and Jade do not."

Oh. Right. He kept forgetting John wouldn't be coming alone. It brought a frown to his lips.

"Well they can deal with it." He decided eventually, aloud. "You're practically my son as you keep shoving in my face. I'm not gonna lock you in the attic to appease some square's sensibilities."

Dirk's eyes grew brighter, and he smiled.

"Thank you, Bro. I think...I think I am now looking forward to his visit."

"I'm sure he'll think you're cool. Hell, I'm sure you two will get on fucking fantastically. Now. You wanna, uh, go chill in my room and give me some privacy?"

"Well I would not want to distract you from your art."

Bro snorted and watched him go, allowing himself a single fatherly pang before he shooed all the thoughts from his mind and focused entirely on his...unique profession.

After all, he needed to get a little stockpile ready. In a few weeks time he'd have to take a brief hiatus.

He might have told John a lot about himself, but no matter what, there were some things he hoped the kid never had to know.

Chapter Text

The moment the plane touched down he was bouncing in his seat.

Jade was grinning from ear to ear, and Dad seemed relieved they had arrived, but he was bouncing with excitement, jittering in his seat like he'd had far too much sugar or caffeine or just everything all in one go. He pressed his face to the tiny window so his nose was flattened, then turned and looked to Jade with a stupid, broad smile.

"Oh my God we're here!"

"I know! This is going to be so amazing!" Jade replied, starting to unbuckle. "I'm glad we didn't have to wait long to see Dave again!"

"This is the best Birthday present ever!"

Dad smiled down at them as he stood and adjusted his shirt, and John remembered once again that his Dad was the best.

His father kept have to stop him running when they finally got out into the crowd, catching his shoulder and tugging him back, although he still darted to and fro and bounced on the balls of his feet to try and see familiar faces. So many people, everywhere! This was so amazing! He'd never been anywhere as crowded as this, at least not any time he hadn't been hiding his face and panicking! The shapes and sizes and features of the people distracted him enough Jade had to elbow him, laughing with a snort, gesturing over at a sign being held up that was clearly a stupid cartoon of his derping face.

short dork in the stupid glasses

His father finally let him go as he whooped and ran over.

When he leapt at Dave from the throng he actually knocked the sign out of the coolkid's hand, sending it tumbling off behind him as John squeezed him so tightly he coughed and wheezed. Jade had to pry him off, and Dave panted, then gave a weak smirk, adjusting his shades where they'd been sent askew.

"Yo, Egbert. Harley. 'Sup?"

Jade's response was to punch his shoulder. He practically pouted. "Whoa, abuse, man. Fuck off. Here I am welcoming you into my abode and you punch me for no reason!"

"It's like a coolkid guy thing!"

"Not when you break my arm, Christ." Dave rubbed it, looking down at John. "Fuck, you've grown, it's been like two months, you're meant to stay little and pocket-size, come on."

"Sorry!" He grinned, rubbing the back of his neck. "It's sort of hard to tell when everyone else in my house is so tall and Karkat is so tiny."

"That's your ass of a boyfriend, right?"

"I'm sure you two would get along great if you actually gave each other a chance!" John insisted, but it was sort of ruined by Jade bursting out laughing. "Okay, well, maybe not? But he's not that bad!"

"Whatever. Oh hey, Dadbert." Dave nodded as Dad appeared, dragging the cases on a trolley. "Looking good, dude. Nice to know we'll have a responsible adult around."

Dad gave a slight nod, offering Dave a hand, which he rolled his eyes at but shook. John was just glad he was here again! Maybe every few months they were going to meet up, now? That would be so great! After all the time he hadn't had his friends around, the last few months had been a sudden rush of everything he missed, and it had been amazing!

Dave gave Dad instructions on how to get down to where Bro was waiting with his pickup, but said he had to wait for someone. John and Jade decided to stay with him, which Dad seemed to approve of. He made a vague comment about wanting to reacquaint himself with Bro as he disappeared from view.

They sat on the bench Dave had been standing in front of, and talked, John gushing about Karkat and Jade excitedly talking about her new home and Dave feigning disinterest and giving vague noises to show he was still paying attention. All the warm feelings from Christmas were rushing back, sat here with both of them. He wished Rose could have been here too, but she was probably having a great time with Mom!

He he he.

"Dave, I have purchased you the apple juice you requested."

John jumped as a bottle was offered over his shoulder in a black mittened hand and a big red sleeve. The voice was familiar but different, and slow and calm, but he hadn't heard anyone approaching at all, there hadn't even been the rush of air that came from a flashstep!

"Cool." Dave took it, gesturing over his shoulder with a thumb. "Jade, John, this is Dirk. Dirk, these are the derpy twins."

"We aren't twins." John muttered, elbowing him, but he still looked back with a frown at the name Dirk.

Beneath the hood of the large hooded pullover, red eyes glowed at him from an unnaturally white face, looking like a cross between Bro and Dave. He was smiling back at John, looking like an excited child.

"I know John. We have met."

"How-?"

"Glasses!" John exclaimed, jumping up. "Wow! You...aren't glasses anymore?"

"I am no longer trapped within exceedingly fashionable eyewear, no. Father built me a body, or rather recycled one for my use."

"He'll flip his shit if he hears you call him that." Dave observed, swinging to his feet. "Move out, dork patrol. Bro'll complain if we take too long."

With that he was wandering off, and John followed beside Dirk, who he was still craning his head down to stare at, Jade skipping his other side.

"...you look so cool! I can't believe he built you! He must be really, really great with stuff like that!"

"Father is a genius, despite his every attempt to act like a fool. I am excited to be able to actually meet you, and not simply ride you-" Dave choked on his drink ahead of them, "-or type to you. People are fascinating! I have never seen so many before. It is like a hive of humanity."

"I know! How cool is all of this!" Jade said brightly, before John could speak. "And all the planes and the shops and everything! It's just great. I never had any of this, I live out on an island, but all of this is just amazing!"

"I am particularly fond of cinemas. My father has taken me to them once or twice. I am used to watching movies inside my head, but there is something special about sitting with others and watching it upon a large screen."

"Dad took me and John to the cinema! It was like my screen at home but with so many people to watch it with! And at the end everyone was talking about the film and it was all so interesting to listen to."

John hopped ahead to Dave, and left the two of them to it, as though Dirk was only about his height, they seemed to be talking above his head.

"So do we get to meet your girlfriend?" He prodded him, and Dave scowled. "Come on, dude, you can't not let us meet her if we're here!"

"I can too, but luckily for you she already fucking invited herself to meet you. She wants to investigate my fucking cohorts for shocking developments in my personal history."

"Pffff. She already sounds great!"

"Yeah well, you would say that."

They bantered idly, trading insults and memes as they travelled, Dirk and Jade now engrossed in describing exactly what it was like going to a shopping mall. Soon enough they were wandering through the carpark, up to a large orange pickup Dad was calmly loading bags into the back of. John's heart had been picking up, and it was loud now, quick, because there was that knowledge that no matter how great seeing Dave was, it was nothing like seeing Bro.

As if the thought had summoned him, he straightened from leaning into the passenger side, a hand on his chin with a thumb pressed up his cheek. He wasn't wearing his glasses (John still had them in his bag, in the box he treasured them in) so the moment he looked up John was looking straight into his eyes, and grinning, and getting a small smile back.

Abruptly, he could feel Dad watching him. He stopped himself before he ran over, giving a wave and a bright, "Hey, Bro!"

"Hey, kid." His voice was so warm and perfect and deep and John was already so happy to hear it again. "Harley. You kids have a good flight?"

"Oh gosh, it was amazing!" Jade called, running over to help Dad as Dirk headed over to Bro's side and looked up at him.

"It was pretty great." John agreed. "I love flying! Even if does make my stomach feel weird."

Dave had sauntered over to Dad and was arranging for a cab to take the two of them and Jade. John and Dirk were going with Bro. He grinned to himself as Dad calmly agreed.

His smile faded when Dirk took Bro's wrist and pulled his hand away from a fresh cut in his cheek.

"What-?"

"Caught my face on the door while I grabbing something, it's nothing." He wrenched his arm back and covered it, wiping off the wet blood with the pad of his thumb and sucking it off. "Come on, get ready to go, sooner we get home sooner I can deal with it, if you're so worried."

John nodded, but suddenly the warmth in his stomach was a horrible icy cold.

He'd spent a long time reading Strider faces.

He'd seen the flick of his golden eyes to Dad.

Dad was looking back at Bro with his usual, relaxed expression, then he looked away and finished putting the last case up into the pickup, covering them all over with a fabric cover that rolled out. Dave and Jade started to head off with waves and promises to see them soon, and Dad followed, pausing just for a moment.

"John," he squeezed his shoulder, "Be careful, son."

John nodded, and watched him go, and had the sudden, horrible feeling that maybe Bro's stupid concerns hadn't actually been quite so misplaced.

Chapter Text

He had been relaxing by the truck when he heard the squeak of a trolley and straightened, raising an eyebrow at the fact apparently John's Dad had been sent ahead. The man seemed calm, cheerful, and gave him a tip of his hat in greeting as he parked up the trolley and then moved over.

He offered Bro a hand. Bro took it, and the shake was just firm enough, steady, controlled. The eyes that were still just as disturbing as he remembered bored into his own, and he let him calm expression drop to a frown.

"Mister Strider." He still hadn't let go of Bro's hand and that was starting to worry him. "It was gracious of you to lend us the use of your truck."

"It's cool. I can take one of you guys if Dave goes in the cab to help the other two get to the apartment."

"I can imagine who you would volunteer."

Wow. That tone. Holy fuck that tone was the most terrifying, calm, soft thing he'd ever heard. Bro tensed.

"I will level with you, Mister Strider. I do not like you. Everything I have become aware of about you has done nothing but affirm my fears that you are hardly the reasonable man my dearest would paint you as."

"Hold up-"

"I have seen you beat a child, sir. I doubt you could really endear yourself to me again after that."

What?

Oh shit. Dave. The strife at Roxy's. Fuck.

"That isn't what you think-"

"No, I am told it is mutual. That you as a guardian have actually taught your ward that fighting with blade and gaining such wounds is a normal activity for a boy his age. I am afraid that does little to convince me the state you left him in was any less despicable."

Bro didn't bother continuing to argue, setting his jaw firmly. Guess what, fucker? The feeling was mutual.

"And that is before I begin on my own son."

Hell no.

"I haven't done-"

"I am well aware of everything you have done and said you would not do to John. I am aware of how much he trusts you, and feels for you, and what high esteem he views you in. I am aware you have already done more to him than I would have wished anyone but a nice partner of his own age do." The grip on his hand was tightening, and holy fuck this man worked out, Bro felt his bones starting to ache. "But I am willing to give everyone a second chance, Mister Strider. Cut off ties and end whatever perverse relationship you have formed with him, and the matter is settled. But," He leant in, and Bro's poker face was starting to get hard to hold, pain flashing up his wrist as the crushing grip only grew stronger. "If I discover you have done one single thing to John whilst we are here, this week, I will take great pleasure in making sure you face adequate punishment."

As if to back it up, Bro felt his other fist move, and ducked the punch, pulling his hand free and rapidly sidestepping as he equipped his sword and held it out, glaring at the man.

"I'm not afraid of you." He said coldly.

He got a pleasant smile in response, and then Dad stepped forward with unexpected speed, socking him in the jaw and twisting his wrist until he dropped the sword. As his head lowered, the ringing in his ears settling, he felt a flash of pain and stepped back, covering his cheek and staring at where Dad was standing, still calmly, his own katana in his hand.

Jokerkind. Son of a bitch.

"You should be." Dad told him quietly, dropping the sword to clatter on the hard, concrete floor. With that he was loading the cases, and Bro snatched up his weapon, stalking to the passenger side and pulling open the door as he leant in for painkillers, lowering his hand briefly to look at the blood.

Holy shit. This fucking man.

He downed the pills dry, wiping his face on a rag shoved in the glovebox, and then covering the wound with a frown as he waited for less absolutely fucking insane company to arrive.

Chapter Text

He was squeezed in the middle, between Dirk and Bro, hands twisting in his lap as his eyes kept drifting up to the cut. It wasn't deep, but it looked bloody and bad, and as Bro fiddled with his keys he couldn't help but lean over and raise a hand to try and wipe off some of the blood.

In a flash Bro caught his wrist, just as his fingertips almost brushed his cheek.

"Leave it. I'm fine."

"Dad did that to you." It wasn't a question, but Bro's shoulders tensed in a silent answer. "Oh my God, Bro."

"Can't fault the man. He's just looking out for you."

"By hurting you?"

"He thinks I'm a certain sorta guy, who it'll take shit like this to stop."

"...he's wrong, though...right?"

Bro smirked a little, starting the truck and then actually giving him a rare, broad smile.

"Of fucking course he is. Shit like this encourages me."

John blinked and frowned at him, opening his mouth, interrupted by a voice that spoke calmly from behind him.

"If you tell a child not to push a button they will press it. If you tell an acrobat not to fall they will be unsteady. If you tell Eve not to eat the apple she will devour it. It is mere human nature." Dirk shrugged, snuggling down in his big red pullover so only his nose and eyes peeked out at John. "Before, Bro was motivated by his feelings for you, but he had...issues, hesitances, misgivings. By stating he is not to pursue you, your father has made you a challenge, and Bro Strider is not one to refuse nor lose challenges when they are given to him. Whatever confidence he lacked, in following through with your...relationship? In denying him your father has given him all the extra confidence he required."

John looked back to Bro, who let go of his hand to take the wheel with both of his own. He felt the familiar flutter start in his stomach.

"So...so you still-?"

"We're gonna have to be fucking careful because that man will end me if he finds out, but like fuck am I giving up on you for some jumped up baker with a decent specibus."

John felt a little hot and gave a stupid smile, because he knew they'd spoken about whatever was going on between them before, but hearing his voice, his strong and relaxing voice, declare he wasn't going to give up on John...it was so different, in person, it made his spine tingle and his gut grow warm. He fidgeted, then put a hand lightly on Bro's cheek, beside the cut but not quite touching it.

"I missed you." He told him, earnestly, smiled widening when he felt the pressure of Bro leaning into his hand.

"Yeah well I guess life ain't been so great without you either." The Strider murmured quietly. "I'm glad you're here, kid. Even if ain't for long."

"I wish it were longer."

"Maybe someday it will be."

Each time Bro spoke, John could feel his cheek moving, and his voice humming through his bones. There was the familiar scratch of stubble and the heat of his skin, and wow. He'd missed this. He really had.

They drove, but he was looking over Bro as they moved, the way the muscles in his arms altered when his gripped the wheel tighter, the way his Adam's apple bobbed when he swallowed. There were a few loose strands of hair curling around his ear, and when John gently brushed them back into place, Bro shivered, still staring ahead.

His toes curled in his sneakers as he shifted them across the floor, his body awash with feelings he'd been missing all the time since New Year. Now and then, Bro would glance at him, his eyes almost glowing in the sunlight, and every time he did John could barely breathe, a hand ending up toying with his shirt above his rapid heart.

He had it so bad for this man.

At last they pulled into a space in the car park of a tower block, and Bro took a casual look in his mirrors and through the windows before he slung an arm across John's shoulders, leaning down so their noses brushed side to side as John's breathing grew so shallow it practically stopped, his mouth dry when it opened. Bro slid his face closer, practically humming with pleasure when their lips met, and John didn't wait, quickly tilting his head into it and kissing in the ways he'd been improving with every kiss he shared with Karkat.

The brief guilty pang that accompanied thinking of his boyfriend was lost when Bro made a sound of pleased surprise and crushed harder to him, and then John could feel hot softness between his lips and a hot piercing just catch them and oh holy shit that was Bro's tongue yes it was. He kept kissing as he knew, which left him almost sucking on it as he pulled back each time, and that seemed to be enough for Bro, a leather-clad hand sinking into his ever-present bedhead and tugging him closer with a soft sigh.

John didn't have to imagine any more, feeling the electric buzz of their skin scraping, and the touch of his cool stud, and with a nose and head full of his cologne and soap and him. He wished every day he could have this. He felt so angry at Dad for trying to take it away!

Bro pulled back and idly scratched at his sideburn, giving a smirk as he watched John pant, just a little, and calm down. Wow. Wow.

...He was just going to casually sit here with his hands in his lap until moving became an option again.

Bro chuckled and mussed his hair, climbing out as John sat back in his chair and grinned, whole face bright red, jumping as he suddenly remembered Dirk. The machine looked back at him, passively.