Archive of Our Own ^beta

It is still dark when Arthur wakes up, and at first he is not sure why. Dante is a heavy weight against him, while Balu continues to babble nonsense in his sleep. Carina is curled up on the more comfortable of the three chairs, hair fluttering slightly with her breath.

Rubens-

Rubens is missing.

Arthur does not pretend that that is what woke him up - Balu is the obvious suspect - but...

Rubens is probably just grabbing some water, or using the bathroom, or maybe even taking a godforsaken hour of the morning shower so he gets first dibs on the hot water. All of these are perfectly normal, harmless, even sensible reasons for him not to be in the room.

But Arthur... Arthur thinks in needles and claws and bloody corpses, in bleeding wounds and missing friends. Clarissa had never joined them, but for Rubens to have left?

Arthur is not going to sleep until he is back, not like this, not when Senhor Veríssimo entrusted the safety of this group to him.

He gives it a few minutes, and Rubens does not reappear. It gives the anxiety time to convince Arthur that it is rational, especially when...

Something happened between Rubens and Clarissa, the two members not accounted for. Something Arthur could not quite read between the lines of, and something that hurt. She doesn't mean to hurt people, Arthur is sure of that, but Rubens doesn't know her, and with an already fragile mental state...

Clarissa is most likely keeping her distance from the group, listening for trouble if she even manages to rest at all.

But, if she has taken issue with his presence again...

It is that dread which moves Arthur. He pushes Dante aside, and gets up. He did manage to lose his shirt last night, but his trousers could do with being swapped out.

No matter, he has someone to find.

He quickly checks over the group nearby - all still there, all still breathing - before he searches.

Not the bathroom, not the kitchen, not the gates with Clarissa and not returned to their room. Arthur's worry is just pitching towards hysteria when he finds him, sat on the floor of the garage and staring at a washing machine.

One that is turned on.

"Rubens?"

Arthur tries to ask softly, but it still makes him jump; Rubens startles, grabbing at his chest and leaning away. It takes him a moment to calm down, then he looks over. He tilts his head in acknowledgement, but does not speak.

"You okay?"

Rubens shrugs, and turns back to the washing machine. Only once he is firmly watching the drum does he reply "I'm okay."

Arthur could leave now; he knows where everyone is, and he knows that they are safe.

But that did not even sound like an attempt at a convincing lie.

And there is just something about this scene...

He cannot do it, not when he thinks Rubens is must giving him a rote answer, not a true one.

Instead of returning to bed, Arthur comes closer. He sits down next to Rubens to find not one but two washing machines turned on. One is large and top opening and smells strongly of bleach, while the other is smaller, front opening, and Rubens is watching the colours spin.

It is yellow, and black, and it does not take much to guess just why Rubens' current outfit is so much cleaner.

"What are you doing?" Arthur pretends to be interested, just to try and work out what is going on.

"Laundry," Rubens looks at him like he is stupid.

"I can see that, but..." how does Arthur ends this tactfully, but also in a way which Veríssimo would approve of. "What are you washing?"

"Mine," Rubens points to the smaller washer, then after a moment the larger one. "Infirmary."

"... Ah." Maybe not Arthur's first choice of things to clean while restless, but the infirmary had been covered in blood. It makes sense, though, even if Rubens is a self-taught medic; Arthur does not envy him trying to treat Balu on a dirty bed, and with equipment taken from blood-splattered boxes. "Hopefully we won't need it again..."

Balu had a huge chunk of his face ripped off. If it had been anyone but Balu in it's line of sight...

Rubens makes a small, doubtful noise; experience would have Arthur agree with him.

The only reason you don't need the infirmary, in their line of work, is if nobody made it back alive.

And the Leones keep their fridges on a different floor.

There's nothing good that Arthur can really say to that; he stays next to Rubens, also turning to watch the washing machine. He waits for Rubens to say something, though he is rapidly learning that it is a fool's errand.

Someone who will not start a conversation makes this difficult, but nothing Arthur has not dealt with before.

One of his closest friends was always much the same.

...

It's only Rubens' second mission without his usual partner, likely following the death itself - a death that for Rubens, as the medic... Arthur can't conceptualise it.

Not really.

To think about the quiet man beside him trying to hold a long-term teammate's  body together, only for them to die beneath him...

It has to have been the Johnny that Clarissa mentioned. It cannot have been long ago he died - far more recently than Clarissa and he lost their families.

... The idea of this mission, so close to something like that, then to have it thrown in his face when he tries to help...

Arthur feels a little bit sick.

"About what Clarissa said," Arthur sees Rubens twitch and... And he wishes that isn't what this was. "She's just upset. Don't take it to heart, yeah? I was hoping a trip would help her heal a bit, but with this going on..."

Rubens does not acknowledge that, but he does turn to face Arthur.

"It will be okay," Arthur lies. "Even if we cannot see it, even if we do not live to see it... it will be okay in the end."

What end? He doesn't know. An end. After Kian, after all this, when whoever remains alive can sleep in their beds.

Rubens sighs, and turns back to the washing machine. It looks a bit like he shakes his head, but Arthur is not sure.
 
They sit a while longer. The spinning pauses for the drum to once again fill with water, drain, and begin again.

Slowly, slowly Arthur feels a cautious weight on his arm. Rubens only presses a little weight into Arthur's side, but it is noticeable.

Not wanting to scare Rubens off, Arthur makes sure to stay very still.

"Arthur?" Rubens' voice is quiet, barely audible with two washers spinning ever on.

"Yes?"

"... too loud."

Here? Why doesn't he-?

Oh, right, no Rubens' doesn't mean here.

He means back where they are sleeping. Explaining why he is out here, in a way Arthur struggles to even pretend to believe.

"Balu is kind of noisy," Arthur agrees. "There's probably some actual bedrooms, if you want somewhere else to sleep."

Rubens pauses, then shakes his head. "It's fine."

"Rubens-"

"It's fine," he says, then gestures to the washing machines. "Dry, then sleep."

Both machines have a while left on their wash cycles. Something still feels off about Rubens, and Arthur... he's known people who have felt off in similar ways before. It is not a sensation that makes him feel comfortable leaving him alone.

Not when Rubens is now fully leant on Arthur's arm.

"I'll wait with you," Arthur offers. "Once I'm up, I don't fall asleep."

Another lie, but if Rubens is half as socially anxious as Kaiser...

Quiet, again, for another few cycles.

And then, more quietly, only just caught in the brief second where the washer changes direction... "I want Johnny."

Arthur cannot sit impassive any more; he frees his arm from Rubens, only to tuck it around his shoulder and drag him close.

"I'm sorry," Arthur says, of the death of a man he never met. "I-... I'm sorry, for whatever had you end up with us."

Rubens doesn't reply, but he doesn't pull away either.

And so silently they sit, watching the washing machine continue to spin.