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“You see, Mr. Garak, here’s the thing…”
“Yes, Lieutenant, please do continue.”
“You say you couldn’t have murdered Mrs. Vastas because, at the time of the murder, you were making alterations to all the gowns at the fashion show, right during the intermission.”
“And a very exacting science it is, too! An uncomfortable fold here or there, or the slightest constraint in the fabric, and it throws off those dear young ladies’ stride on the catwalk. But, likewise, too much drapery? Suddenly all the lines go to pieces; it can ruin the entire vision for the outfit. I’m sure any, oh say, dozens of people can testify to my meticulous efforts, in both regards.”
“Oh, yes sir, that’s certainly true. I mean, you must have made adjustments to half a dozen of those dresses, and all those models saw you in the alterations room the entire intermission. There’s no disputing that.”
“Indeed. But you still have your ‘thing’ for me to see, I am entirely confident. I know you wouldn’t disappoint me.”
“You know, sir, I genuinely believe you would be disappointed. The thing is this: If Mrs. Vastas was murdered before the intermission, that would throw out your entire alibi, wouldn’t it?”
“Indeed, it would! Have you found some evidence that the time of death was faked?”
“No, no, nothing like that. Your argument about the chronometer in the shuttlepod is perfectly sound.”
“However?”
“See? You sound so excited whenever you say that.”
“Do most people not?”
“Most people don’t enjoy being the subject of a murder investigation for so long, sir. No, not in my experience.”
“Well, clearly, they could learn something of the pursuit of justice and civil service. The Cardassian education system was excellent in both studies, I am not ashamed to tell you one bit, Lieutenant.”
“Yes, it certainly must have been.”
You have five minutes in your holosuite reservation remaining.
“You see? We’ve been at this nearly an hour already.”
“Yes, please, let’s get to your latest accusation before I, lamentably, need to open my shop.”
“My point here, sir, if you don’t mind my getting to the point?”
“Absolutely not! Take all the time you need!”
“Well, I just can’t shake the idea that Mrs. Vastas might’ve technically died during the intermission, but whatever killed her was administered earlier.”
“But I thought you found no known poison in her body?”
“No, sir, not a thing.”
“And I thought we had agreed the pinprick on her thigh, where I had accidentally jabbed her with a needle that morning – so thoughtless of me – was a red herring.”
“It most certainly was, Mr. Garak. No doubt about that. If someone were trying to murder Mrs. Vastas. Someone like, say…”
“Like, say, me?”
“Yes, like you, it couldn’t have been that needle prick. In fact, a man of your obvious intelligence and experience in the Obsidian Order… It’s just too straightforward, don’t you think?”
“Oh, absolutely! I understand that Mrs. O’Brien bought this program for the children, but I still couldn’t believe it when this chapter even suggested that as a means of murder. At their ages? Is it any wonder that Starfleet Intelligence is so laughably behind?”
“It’s a shame, sir, a real shame. However, there is one other point in Mrs. Vastas’ schedule yesterday, where someone might’ve committed the murder, if they knew what they were doing.”
“You’re not back on about her breakfast, are you, Lieutenant?”
“No, I’m not. You ruled that one out too, sir.”
“Why then, what else could there possibly be?”
“The transporter, sir.”
“The transporter? How delightful! Please, tell me all about it.”
“Now, I’m no expert on these things, but my wife – you know Mrs. Columbo?”
“You have mentioned her several times, Lieutenant, and she seems a delightfully sensible and well-rounded woman.”
“Oh, she is at that, Mr. Garak, I can assure you. She certainly is at that. You see, me, I’ve got no sense whatsoever for these matter streams or your Heisenberg whatevers. But Mrs. Columbo has her carrier-wave knitting-pattern club on Wednesdays, and I was talking to her about what all had happened to Mrs. Vastas, and she – Mrs. Columbo, that is, not Mrs. Vastas – seemed to think that it would be entirely possible for someone with special engineering training—”
“Like, say, a former Obsidian Order operative?”
“Just as a ‘for example’ – to break into the system and make slight alterations in the pattern buffer so that when Mrs. Vastas rematerialized, she wasn’t quite the way she was before. Just a slight defect in, say, one of the brain vessels, and Mrs. Vastas could go about her day for several hours—”
“Up until intermission, even!”
“Yes, even up until intermission, and then she’d have a delayed aneurysm.”
“Which is, as I recall, exactly what the coroner diagnosed.”
“Yes, sir.”
“A fascinating hypothesis, Lieutenant. However, I see just one problem with your latest theory.”
“Oh, I’m sure you do, sir. I’d be disappointed at this point if you didn’t.”
“If, say, some innocent humble tailor, who – through no fault of his own – had been maligned throughout his career with false accusations of being an Obsidian Order operative, were to have faked both murder via needle, and murder via poisoned breakfast, and then contrived to murder Mrs. Vastas by subtly altering her transporter pattern, how ever could this simple would-be assassin have timed it so perfectly to coincide with his alibi?”
“Heh, heh, that is an excellent point, Mr. Garak, truly an excellent point.”
Your allotted reservation time has ended. Please exit the holosuite. You will be charged an additional two slips of latinum per—
“Yes, yes, computer, I know! I regret that I must pause our invigorating conversation, Lieutenant, but we can resume this at the same time next week, and I will look forward to hearing your latest theory on how I could have perfected the timing.”
“You know, Mr. Garak, I’ve been doing this for centuries now, and I think you may be the first person who’s said they’re looking forward to our next meeting, and I actually believed them? I’ll see you next week.”
“And do you know, Lieutenant, that I do believe that’s the first time anyone’s believed something I said, and they’ve actually been correct?”
“Glad to hear it.”
“Computer, end program.”