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Chapter Text

Thor was battling fearsome enemies with the Guardians of the Galaxy when Loki appeared before him like a ghost. 

Loki was wearing his favorite battle leathers complete with helmet and golden horns. 

"Thor Odinson!" Loki bellowed, gleefully. "It is time to reclaim your birthright! The throne of Asgard waits for you!" 

"Loki!" Thor shouted, tearfully. "You yet live, brother?!"

"Aye!" Loki screamed. "I have reincarnated! So, too, does the throne of Asgard! You must take your place, Thor! The people await you!" 

"But I bequeathed New Asgard to Lady Brunnhilde," Thor said, apologetically. "I would not take her throne?" 

"Lady Hilda is the Queen of New Asgard!" Loki said, shaking his head. "You must return to Old Asgard, Thor! I have restored the planet Odin once built to its former glory!" 

"Pardon?!" Thor said, blinking in confusion. "How did you restore it?" 

"With magic, you bloody fool!" Loki said, angrily. "The magic of your bloodline, hmm? I need the rightful blood heir to take his throne or so help me, I will never forgive you! I will disappear into a permanent death and never return, thunderer!" 

Thor gasped. 

"Don't leave, Loki!" Thor yelled, furiously. "I'll come away with you! I'll sit on any throne you place before me! If only my brother will rule by my side, I would sit on a hundred thrones! With my brother! I will not sit without him!" 

"Aye!" Loki shrieked. "Make me your queen!" 

Thor frowned. "My queen? Is a man permissible as a queen, Loki? I thought it was forbidden?" 

Impatiently, Loki snapped his fingers and transformed himself into a woman. 

Thor blushed. 

"Would you have me as your queen, Thor?" Loki said, softly. "Or do I disgust you?" 

The other warriors on the battlefield were no longer killing each other. 

All had stopped to admire Loki's beauty. 

"Nay!" Thor said, gasping. "You are the fairest in the land, Loki! You are the fairest in the entire galaxy, Loki! The most beautiful soul in the entire nine realms and the most handsome person in the multi-verse!" 

Loki grinned, looking pleased with her king. 

She knelt and used her magic to create a majestic crown of gold. 

"Be my king," Loki said, solemnly. "And I will be your queen." 

"Yes!" Thor yelled, enthusiastically. "Be my queen and I will give you every book in the multi-verse! Be my queen and I will give you a harem full of consorts! Be my queen and I will give my Loki the freedom to explore the nine realms and the wider multi-verse! However my Loki would desire to roam, I will grant every permission! For I know my Loki loves nothing more than books, love, and freedom!" 

Loki stood back up and eagerly placed the crown upon Thor's head. 

Then she gave Thor a chaste kiss upon his chapped lips, which had been frozen in the chilled winds of the battlefield with the Guardians of the Galaxy. 

Upon receiving Loki's kiss, Thor felt the magic warm him. 

He felt the heat, and the love, of Loki. 

"Let us leave this place," Loki whispered. "You may return to your favored Galaxy Guardians at a later time? I will allow my king to pick up his hammer and adventure on quests whenever he desires. I only ask that you complete the ritual of kingship first. Then, if you wish, you may leave me and battle with your shield brothers whenever you like." 

"Nay!" Thor said, with tears falling down his face. "I would not leave my Loki until my Loki sends me away! And when my Loki calls me back, I would dutifully return!" 

Loki blinked at Thor in surprise. 

"Is that so?" Loki said, looking puzzled by the declaration. "Why is that, Thor?" 

"I love you!" Thor shrieked. "I love you above all others, Loki! Do not travel to Valhalla without me, sister! Do not perish without your soulmate! I mourn your loss like the sun would mourn the moon!" 

Loki frowned. "Aye? I had no idea you would grieve me so mournfully." 

"I always grieve!" Thor huffed. "Even as I hope my Loki will return to me, I ache with a broken heart when my Loki is dead!" 

"I understand," Loki said, bashfully glancing away. "I will do my best to bare this in mind." 

"As you should!" Thor cried. "Do not abandon your king! Without my queen, I will refuse every throne I am offered!" 

Loki looked back at Thor, smirked, and pompously said, "Aye! A king is nothing but a pauper, without his queen!" 

"Aye!" Thor said. "And I know full well Asgard is a Queendom, Loki! The king lives to serve his queen! The people will worship their queen as their goddess and the king is merely the man who serves under the goddess!" 

Loki giggled. 

Thor beamed at her, proudly, and held out his hand. 

"Will you take me away from here, Loki?" Thor said. "If I please you, will you take me?" 

"Yes!" Loki said. "I will take you, Thor! For you are mine and I am yours!" 

"Yes, Loki!" Thor said. "I am yours in every universe! I will always belong to my Prince Loki! I will dutifully serve my Lady Loki! The silver tongued queen will be admired by all and they will call you Loki Wordsmith, God of Chaos!" 

"Aye!" Loki said, gleefully laughing with pure delight. "I am indeed the God of Chaos first and foremost!" 

"I know this well, Moonflower!" Thor said. "And I am your humble God of Thunder! I know full well the God of Chaos possesses powerful sorcery the likes of which my Thunder magic would never be able to defeat in battle!" 

"Good!" Loki said. "I am glad you are aware of your own smallness when compared to your queen! I am Jupiter and you are Pluto!" 

"Aye!" Thor said, eager to agree to everything Loki would have him agree to. "You are Jupiter and I am Pluto!" 

Loki finally saw fit to grasp Thor's hand. 

She intertwined their fingers and then pulled Thor through a magical portal that transported them to Old Asgard, the planet they once knew. 

It had been destroyed in the war with Hela, but now here it was: restored. 

Billions of Aesir had lost their lives in the twin wars with Hela and Thanos, yet here they were: restored. 

Thor gasped at the sight of them. 

"You rescued them from Valhalla?" Thor said. "Did you use your magic to save them from the jaws of death, Loki?"

"Aye," Loki said. "My people told me Valhalla was no heaven, for it was a place of endless battle and torment. They tire of the battlefield, Thor. My people would prefer a peaceful life." 

"I will give them a peaceful life!" Thor declared. "With my queen by my side, I will give them all that they desire!" 

"Yes," Loki said. "You will." 

She kissed him. 

And all was well with the nine realms. 

Chapter Text

The people wanted to throw a feast for Queen Loki. 

Thor was happy to oblige them. 

They gathered in Asgard's Great Hall and placed Loki at the head of the table. 

Perhaps Loki was feeling shy. 

She used her magic to change herself back into the man they all knew best. 

Politely, the Aesir pretended it was normal to have a man as their queen. 

No one would dare protest.

For Loki had saved Asgard from Thanos and Hela. 

They drank, for it was the dawn of a new era, and sang familiar campfire songs.

For it was Yule. 

Odin Wednesday Allfather had finally fallen. 

The people rejoiced. 

They thanked Loki for leaving Odin to languish in Valhalla. 

"He is happiest in Valhalla," Loki said, reassuringly. "And you may request a séance with Odin whenever you wish." 

"Nay!" Lady Sif said, cheerfully. "Why would I seek the counsel of Odin One Eye when we have Loki Left Hand before us? Our Queen Loki sees all, for he has two eyeballs in his head!" 

"Aye!" Thor said, boisterously raising his tankard of ale to toast the fair Lady Sif. "My Loki sees all, for he has two eyes!" 

"Nay," Loki said, laughing. "Heimdall sees all, for he has the magic of far reaching sight. He is The Watcher and the true God above all others." 

Heimdall, who was sitting on Loki's right side, proudly smiled at Loki. 

From Loki's left side, Thor enthusiastically thumped Loki upon his back. 

"Aye!" Thor said. "I would worship Heimdall if my Moonflower decrees it so!" 

"I decree it so," Loki said, playfully. "Isn't that right, Heimdall?" 

"Aye," Heimdall said. "For we are The Big Three. The father is I. The son is Thor. And fair Loki is the holy spirit." 

Loki blushed, grinning at Heimdall. 

"I'm a holy spirit?" Loki said, chuckling nervously. "I've not heard that title before?" 

"The angels on Midgard are genderless!" Lady Sif said, eagerly. 

She was sitting on Heimdall's right. 

"The Midgardians speak of beautiful hermaphrodites," Lady Sif continued, like a schoolgirl who was eager to impress her professor. "These angels are intersex. As you are, Loki. Therefore, you are a holy spirit. Because our Loki Moonflower is a beautiful God and a handsome Goddess simultaneously. We know full well that Loki changes shape when Loki pleases. And we declare it holy!" 

Loki blinked at Lady Sif, speechless, and then tilted his head. 

"Does that suit the Æsir people?" Loki said, hesitantly. "I would not offend the traditionalists." 

On Thor's left side, Hogun the Grim stood up and raised his tankard. 

"Be there any woman or man among the Æsir that would protest against the holy spirit?" Hogun bellowed. "Speak now or forever hold your peace! I would send any who argue against the genderless Loki back to Valhalla!" 

None of the Aesir protested. Instead they laughed, raised their own tankards, and said things like: 

"I toast the beautiful hermaphrodite!" 

And, "Long live the intersex monarch!" 

And, "The sovereign spirit lives in all of us!" 

And, "The true God is a master of every gender on the spectrum!" 

And finally, Fandral the Dashing stood upon the table before them and announced himself as queer. 

"I would dress as a woman whenever I please!" Fandral shouted, flamboyantly. "For Odin Allfather is dead!" 

The Aesir nearest to him laughed and echoed, "For Odin Allfather is dead!" 

"I do not possess shape shifting magic," Fandral added, sheepishly. "I know full well a barmaid's dress does not suit my muscles or my girth, but I would wear the dress anyway whenever I please!" 

"Aye!" Loki shouted, enthusiastically lifting his tankard to toast Fandral. "Shakespearean men found it permissible! I also find it permissible and charming, Fandral! You may wear whatever you please whenever you please, for Odin Allfather languishes in Valhalla!" 

The people cheered more loudly than Thor had ever heard them cheer before.

He cheered with them. 

Then Lady Brunnhilde rode into the Great Hall upon a Pegasus. 

"The people of New Asgard send their regards!" Lady Brunnhilde shrieked. "And they request Heimdall's eldest daughter as my bride and queen!" 

Lady Blaise, Heimdall's eldest daughter, was sitting on Lady Sif's right side. 

She stood up, exuberantly opened her arms, and screamed, "Marry me, Queen Hilda! I've always cherished you above all others!" 

"Fuck yes!" Lady Brunnhilde yelled. "Come here, Aphrodite! No time for hugs, just get the fuck over here and sit on my steed!" 

Lady Blaise squealed in delight and ran towards Lady Brunnhilde and her Pegasus. 

Lady Brunnhilde hoisted her up with a muscular forearm and the two women kissed passionately upon Pegasus while the great horse flapped its wings. 

Loki laughed, clapped his hands, and confidently declared, "Lesbian marriages are permissible! I bless Queen Hilda and Queen Blaise! We wish them well!" 

Dutifully, the Aesir people echoed his words and screamed, "We wish them well!" 

"Enjoy a prosperous union," Heimdall said, gently. "I will watch over New Asgard and grant you every protection." 

"Thank you, Father!" Lady Blaise said, tearfully. "I will visit Old Asgard during every holiday!" 

"Aye," Heimdall said, nodding wisely. "You will." 

"This is wonderful!" Thor said, tearfully. "I wish you every happiness, Lady Hilda! And you, Lady Blaise! I wish you every happiness under the sun, stars, and blood moon!" 

"Aye!" Loki said. "I wish you every happiness under Jupiter, Saturn, and Venus!" 

"Thank you!" Lady Blaise shouted. 

Finally, Volstagg the Enormous, who had been sitting on Lady Blaise's right side before she left to chase Pegasus, stood up from his chair and loudly began singing a familiar campfire song. 

"He's without care," Volstagg sang, loudly projecting his voice across Old Asgard and New Asgard simultaneously so that all the Aesir people would hear him. "He'll change his hair. Tonight, he is the witches heir. Clowns and children must beware. For he is our king!" 

Dutifully, the other Aesir began singing along. 

However, they changed the words. 

"Clowns and children must beware!" They sang, reverently. "For Loki is our Queen! Loki is our King! Loki is our Prince! Loki is our Princess!" 

Loki laughed and clapped along, but did not sing. 

Then Lady Sif stood and sang, "This fairy queen enjoys to sing! I'll happily kneel if it brings the clan back to my queen. So Loki is my king!" 

Fandral dramatically threw his sword down and sang, "The vampires kneel before the king! His quarrel was inspiring! If the fairies name him kin, I'll sing! That Loki is the king!" 

"Aye!" Thor shouted. "Loki is my king, I say!" 

"Aye!" The people chanted. "He'll kneel with delight, if it starts a fight. Giggle and ensnare our light! For Loki is a king! And Loki is a queen! Loki leads our monarchy!" 

"Hark, fair Asgard!" Loki said, in a booming voice. "I will guide you towards a new millennium! We will greet the year 2026 as a mother once greeted Black Jesús!" 

"Hail, fair Loki!" The people cheered. "Hip, hip, for Loki! We're following our leader, our leader, we're following our leader, wherever he may go!" 

"One for all!" Loki said. "And all for one!" 

"All for one!" They cheered. "And one for all!" 

"Hark!" Thor said, drunkenly. 

For, at this point, he was deep in his cups. 

"I promise to obey my spouse as a dutiful husband should!" Thor said, exuberantly. "I will follow my spouse wherever they may go!" 

The Aesir were as rowdy as soldiers in a brothel when Thor said this. 

They drank with good cheer and began pairing off in groups of three, two, and four. 

Eventually, the Aesir left the Great Hall with their favored companions. 

Thor was left alone at the table with Loki, Heimdall, Lady Sif, and Volstagg. 

"That was a marvelous wedding, Thor," Volstagg said, approvingly. "You do us proud." 

"It is Loki that does me proud!" Thor said, tearfully. "I will never again fail to save my Loki!" 

"Pardon?" Loki said. "When did you fail to save me?" 

Mournfully, Thor said, "When Thanos slayed you!" 

"Oh?" Loki said. "But I allowed Thanos to slay me, Thor. I wanted to travel to Valhalla in order to speak with Mother." 

Thor blinked. 

Volstagg laughed. 

Thor frowned. 

Then Lady Sif was giggling like a little girl and whispering something in Heimdall's ear. 

"You gave up your life?" Thor said, softly. "In order to speak with Mother?" 

"Yes, Thor!" Loki said, impatiently. "I thought that would be obvious? I told you the sun would shine upon us again! You did not glean my meaning?" 

"I did not!" Thor said. "How could I know you intended to plan out a resurrection?" 

"I did not," Loki said, frowning. "Initially, I had every intention of spending the rest of my existence in Valhalla." 

"What?!" Thor said, incredulously. "You would have stayed there? Truly? You did not want to return to me?" 

At this point, Volstagg politely ushered Lady Sif away from the Great Hall like a grandfather that wanted to hide a marital spat from a granddaughter. 

Heimdall followed them, to give Thor and Loki the privacy to argue. 

Loki rolled his eyes. 

"Why does it matter, brother?" Loki said, warily. "I've returned, have I not? Now you may return to Midgard and locate the lovely Jane Foster." 

"Jane Foster?" Thor said, scoffing. "That woman stole Mjǫllnir!" 

"Very well?" Loki said. "Do you need me to assist you?" 

"Assist me?" Thor said, blinking in puzzlement.

"This isn't the first time someone has stolen Mjölnir, Thor," Loki said, frowning mulishly. "Remember when I convinced you to cross dress in order to-" 

"Loki!" Thor said, angrily. "I do not need that hammer! I have a new hammer! A bigger one!" 

"Alright?" Loki said. "Then what is your concern?" 

"My concern is you, Loki!" Thor said, dolefully. "You gave up your life just to speak to Mother? Why did you not consult the dark elves for a séance instead of sacrificing your life?" 

"Because the dark elves despise me, Thor!" Loki shouted. "I knew they would sooner see me dead than grant me a séance!" 

"Will you die every time you desire a mother?" Thor said, scornfully. "And leave me behind to wile my years away without you?" 

"Why does it matter, Thor?" Loki said, ruefully. "Have I not done my duty as a queen? I have returned Asgard to glory. Am I not finished? The work is done, Thor!"

"I will not see my husband abandon me like Persephone on a spring vacation with Demeter!" Thor said, hotly. "I would not lose my Moonflower to a reckless death! How many times have I watched you throw yourself upon a blade, Loki? How many times must I watch you throw yourself off the rainbow bridge?" 

"I didn't mean to throw myself off the Bifrost!" Loki screamed. "Would you let the past lay quietly in the past?" 

"No, I will not!" Thor said, bitterly. "I was there, Loki! I extended my arm towards you, in order to save you, and you looked me in the eye and let go! You allowed yourself to fall! Purposely!" 

"What of it!" Loki said, stomping his foot like a churlish child. "I survived the fall! Why does it matter? I survived!" 

"Did you survive?" Thor said, doubtfully. "Or did Thanos and Hela use their dark magic to revive you? Did Thanos use blood magic on my brother when he found my brother's corpse in order to use my brother as his foot soldier?" 

Loki winced and looked away. 

"Aha!" Thor said, pointing an accusing finger at him. "You lost your life that day!" 

"I was prepared to take my life that day," Loki whispered. "But why does it torment you? I did not lose my life." 

"Three times you were prepared to lose your life!" Thor said. "And three times you lost it!" 

"I survived the dark elves!" Loki said, throwing his hands up. "I did not fall to their sword! I pretended to die in your arms in order to escape imprisonment! The entire death scene was a theatrical farce! You know this, Thor!"

"Is that so?" Thor said, plaintively. "I don't believe it. I think you genuinely thought you would die and enter Valhalla. You were glad of it. Then, perhaps, the elves used blood magic on you so they could place you on Asgard's throne and be rid of Odin Allfather. Perhaps they found your shape shifting magic useful for that purpose and told you they would keep you out of Valhalla if you sent Odin to that Midgardian retirement home?" 

Loki tilted his head, frowned thoughtfully, and said nothing. 

"Let me guess," Thor said, furiously. "This is an allegation you can neither confirm nor deny?" 

Loki shrugged. 

"Did the dark elves bind your tongue with their sorcery?" Thor said, suspiciously. "Preventing you from speaking truthfully on the topic?" 

Loki huffed, scowled, and said, "Why is my spouse so paranoid? He knows nothing of politics, so why does he spend his time guessing at the thoughts and actions of political leaders across the nine realms?" 

"Why is my spouse so determined to carry the Queendom like Atlas with a boulder on his shoulders?" Thor retorted. "Why is my spouse so willing to lay down his life when he has a husband that will grieve his loss?" 

"I didn't know you were grieving, Thor!" Loki snapped. "I thought you would frown for but a brief moment, start a fight and then win a war in a blind rage. And then, after avenging my death, move on to enjoy a happy marriage with Jane Foster!" 

"No, Loki!" Thor screamed. "I did not move on! I avenged your death by beheading Thanos and then I spent the rest of my years aimlessly battling! Because my Loki was gone, I knew no peace!" 

"How was I to know that, Thor?" Loki said, looking baffled by the very idea. "You have spent centuries as a tiresome brother! How was I to know you would not spend the rest of our lives in the same way?" 

Thor sniffed and wiped at his face. 

He realized, just then, that he had begun crying at some point. 

"Do not allow anyone to slay you!" Thor said, sternly. "Do not jump off any bridges, Loki! Please!" 

"Alright!" Loki said. "Is that all? May I leave?" 

"Leave?" Thor said, mournfully. "Where will you go?" 

"Wherever I please?" Loki said, raising an eyebrow. "Did you not say you would grant me a harem, books, and freedom to roam?" 

"Aye," Thor said. "But would my Moonflower allow me to roam beside the moonlight? Or am I cursed to wander the fire realm?" 

"Why would Apollo seek Artemis?" Loki said, frowning. "Wouldn't you prefer a sunlit meadow?" 

"No," Thor said, indignantly. "If my Loki would spend a holiday on Jötunheimr, so would I! If my Loki would swim with sharks in Terra's ocean, so would I! If my Loki favors a hedonistic hellpit on the Grandmaster's planet, so would I!" 

Loki did not have a response to this. 

He simply stood there, looking terribly confused. 

"You are speechless?" Thor said. "Have I truly stumped the Wordsmith?" 

"Speak clearly, Thor," Loki said, incredulously. "What are you asking of me? What do you want?" 

"I want to go wherever you go!" Thor said, heatedly. "I want to know that my spouse won't vanish as soon as I close my eyes tonight!" 

"Very well?" Loki said. "I had plans to assist a young Midgardian. America Chavez has been kidnapped by Stephen Strange. Once I had dealt with Asgard's wedding ceremony, my plan was simply to investigate the kidnapping of America Chavez." 

Thor grinned, puffed himself up like a proud warrior, and said, "Then I will also investigate the kidnapping of America Chavez!" 

"That's fine?" Loki said, warily. "Must we inform The Warriors Three?" 

Thor frowned. "Do you require their aid?" 

"No," Loki said, fiercely. "I do not." 

"Do you require the aid of the Guardians of the Galaxy?" Thor said, hopefully. 

"No!" Loki said. "Those fools are a clan of bumbling idiots! They cannot be trusted with this quest." 

"Very well," Thor said, thoughtfully. "I will not invite them to our quest." 

Loki sighed. 

Then Loki said, "I will allow you to pick one of your Avengers? If it pleases you? We can invite an Avenger. But only one of them!" 

Thor considered this, carefully, and then said, "Perhaps later?" 

Loki blinked. "Oh?" 

"We can recruit them for assistance if we have need of them?" Thor said. "And restrain ourselves from recruiting them if we do not have need of them?" 

Loki grinned. "Truly?" 

"Aye!" Thor said, eager to see Loki smile once more. "I will wait until my spouse tells me he requires an Avenger!" 

"Very good, Thor," Loki said, approvingly. 

He gave Thor a brief kiss on the cheek. 

Thor laughed, delighted to receive such a simple kiss, and then hugged Loki tightly. 

Loki returned the embrace. 

They simply stood there, alone in the Great Hall, and hugged each other. 

Then they began a new quest. 

Loki was determined to save America. 

Thor 

was 

determined 

to 

save 

Loki

Chapter Text

"My queen," Loki said, smiling softly. "Have you heard? A new human has toppled a government." 

"Aye," Hela said. "Would the fair Gelid like to meet this human?"

Loki chuckled, nervously, and looked away from her.

"I wouldn't dare," Loki said, anxiously. "She might smite me?" 

"Blaise Heimdottir is a noble woman," Hela said, reassuringly. "Why would she smite the heroic Gelid?" 

Loki frowned at his hands. 

Today, they were blue.

For Loki was a Frost Giant. When Loki was born, he was blue. 

On this day, Loki remained blue, for Loki had not yet learned a shape shifter's magic. 

"The humans are a different shade?" Loki said, plaintively. "I fear the Heimdottir warrior queen would run from me."

"Nay," Hela said, gently. "She would not run."

"How can you guess at her reaction?" Loki said, finally glancing back at Hela. "How can you know the mind of a mortal?" 

"I cannot know her mind," Hela said. "But I know my Gelid is as lovely as a moonflower. Who would run from a beautiful moonflower?"

"I am not beautiful, Queen Hela," Loki said, sulkily. "Have you not heard the tales? The eight realms disparage the Eujin People. They say we kidnap their children, eat them, and then dance in the forest like hedonists."

"Do you not enjoy dancing in the forest?" Hela said, playfully. "You ate me just yesterday after heroically kidnapping me away from my boorish father."

Loki laughed. "Not that sort of eating, my queen!"

Teasingly, Hela waggled her eyebrows. "Is that not what they say across the eight realms? The Eujin People are as wily as gazelles, they say. The Eujin People tempt sons away from dutiful arranged marriages."

Loki continued to laugh. 

"They say," Hela continued. "That to look into the eyes of the Eujin People is to fall into a pit of sin. For who could resist the temptation of such a handsome moonflower?"

Playfully, Loki smacked Hela on her shoulder. 

"That is not what they say, Queen Hela," Loki said, in amusement. "You know the tales they tell are different."

"Do I?" Hela said, smirking. "I do not know the tales you speak of, moonflower. And if I did, I would change these tales, Gelid. I would show Queen Heimdottir that she is brown, you are blue, and I am white. Yet all three of us are fair, beautiful, and handsome."

Loki grinned at her. "Aye?" 

"Aye," Hela said, confidently. "I will make it so."

"If you wish?" Loki said, coyly glancing up at her from beneath fluttering eyelashes. "Would you wish it, Queen Hela? Make it so?"

"I will," Hela said. "For my moonflower? I will make it so." 

Loki blushed. 

He giggled in delight, then kissed her on the forehead. 

He did not know it yet, but a chaste kiss from Loki was worth all the world. 

Loki Heimdottir-Odinson was a college professor. He taught Greek Mythology. 

Stephen wasn't one of his students anymore. He was a Teacher's Assistant. 

When he became a TA, men and women between the ages of twenty one and twenty nine started showing up at Stephen and America Xochitl's apartment complex. 

There wasn't any kind of pattern to the visits. Sometimes nothing would happen for a few weeks, but sometimes there would be someone knocking on their door every single day. 

The first person who knocked on their door was a young black woman.

"I'm looking for Gelid Loki," the black woman said, breathlessly. "Today is my birthday! I'm twenty one, okay? You have to believe me."

She looked familiar, but Stephen couldn't place her. 

"Is your name Allison?" America said. "Allison Blaise Zabini?"

"Yes!" the black woman said. "And I'm looking for Gelid Loki. Have you seen him?" 

Oh, Stephen thought. This woman is going to be Loki's wife someday. 

"Do you mean Professor Zabini?" America said. 

"No!" the woman said, scowling. "That's the wrong Loki! I want my Loki. Not just any Loki doppelganger! I want the one that's mine!"

"When are you coming from?" Stephen said, tilting his head. "How did you get separated from your Loki variant?"

"I'm from 2011," the woman said, huffing. "So I need to find the Loki who is also from 2011. But not just any Loki from 2011! He was my classmate at the Alacrán Academy. Um, so please help me find Gelid Loki Alacrán? Tell him Blaise Allison Alacrán is looking for him. Tell him I love him!"

"If we run into him, we'll let him know you're looking for him," America said, politely. "Do you have an email or something we could give to him so he can contact you?"

"Yes!" the woman said. "Here!"

A small composition book materialized in her hands with a flash of blue light. 

"Please give him this book!" the woman said, triumphantly holding up the composition book. "When he reads it, he'll find me!"

America took the book. 

Then the young black woman vanished with more flashing blue lights. 

The next person who came looking for Loki was a tiny white woman with short hair. 

At first, Stephen mistook the woman for a teenage boy. 

Actually, he thought he was looking at a pre-teen, but then he realized she was just a really short woman who was dressed androgynously. 

"I'm looking for Gelid Alacrán," the short woman said, apologetically. "But he might be calling himself Loki?"

Stephen was home alone this time. America was attending a lecture at the local university.

"I haven't seen a Loki variant named Gelid Alacrán," Stephen said, sighing. "I'm already keeping an eye out for him, though. There's another woman who's also looking for him."

"Is her name Allie?" the white woman said, looking hopeful. "Or maybe she named herself Zabini? She uses that alias a lot."

"Are you looking for her too?" Stephen said. 

"Yes!" the white woman cried, tearfully. "I'm looking for both of them!"

"Alright?" Stephen said. "Wait here. I have a book that Blaise Allison Alacrán left behind to help Loki find her. It'll probably work for you too."

"Good!" the short woman said, sniffing. "Please let me look at it!"

Stephen went into America's bedroom and rummaged around in her desk until he found the Alacrán composition book. 

When he gave it to the short woman, she hugged it as if he'd just given her a life saving cure for a fatal disease. 

"Thank you!" she said. "I'll be able to find them with this!"

Then she disappeared with a bright flash of blue light. 

The third person who showed up at their apartment was a familiar Hispanic man. Stephen already knew his name was Duro Peña. 

"Have you seen Gelid Alacrán?" Duro Peña said, impatiently. "Don't even try to hide him! If he's here, I'll find him!"

"He isn't here," Stephen said. "But there are two women who came looking for him. One of them is his future wife, correct? Blaise Allison Alacrán?"

"That's my sister," Duro Peña said, grinning aggressively. "Where is she?"

"I don't know," Stephen said. "But she gave me a composition book. And then I gave it to... hmm, I didn't get the second woman's name. She disappeared before I could find out what her name was."

"Uh huh," Duro Peña said, groaning. "Let me guess. They both vanished with a really dramatic flash of blue light?"

"Yes," Stephen said. 

"God fucking dammit," Duro Peña said. "Those bitches are teleporting all over the place! How the hell am I supposed to find them if they won't stay still, huh? How am I supposed to find them?"

"I haven't the faintest idea, sir," Stephen said. "Good luck hunting them down, I suppose."

"Whatever!" Duro Peña said, angrily. "Where's the closest dragon?"

"Dragon?" Stephen said, frowning. 

"Fuck!" Duro Peña said. "I mean... shit... I forgot his stupid code name!"

"Are you trying to refer to Loki Wordsmith?" Stephen said. 

"Yes!" Duro Peña said. "Where's the closest Loki doppelganger? He'll help me find the right one."

"He works at the local university," Stephen said. "He teaches Greek Mythology."

"Of fucking course he does," Duro Peña said, rolling his eyes. "He's such a nerdy little theater kid."

Stephen chuckled. "I suppose?" 

"I'll find him," Duro Peña said, smirking. "And then I'll find the whole motherfucking Alacrán family. They're not leaving me out of the witches coven this time!"

"Best of luck to you," Stephen said, dismissively. "I hope you find them."

Duro Peña nodded, stoically, and then walked away. 

It was a pleasant surprise to see the infamously paranoid wizard calmly walk back down the hallway and towards an actual elevator. 

In the past, Stephen had always been frustrated with Duro Peña's stubborn refusal to get inside of an elevator, but today the man showed no sign that he intended to use the stairwell. 

Stephen should have closed the door to his apartment, but he wanted to see if Duro Peña would superstitiously avoid the elevator at the last second. 

He didn't avoid it. He pressed the button, patiently waited, and then stepped inside when the elevator doors opened. 

Then, feeling a little silly, Stephen finally closed the door to his apartment. 

She didn't know why, but Hela knew her moonflower was fond of Christine Palmer. 

With this in mind, Hela located the young mortal's home. 

However, when Hela arrived, she found a mortal man was already living with the woman known as Christine Palmer. 

The boy was a scrawny little thing. He smiled at Hela and politely asked her if she was looking for Loki Wordsmith. 

"Nay," Hela said. "I seek the mortal known as Christine Palmer."

"Alright," the mortal said. "Do you want me to give her a message? Who should I say is looking for her?"

"Nay!" Hela said. "I would have the woman herself!"

"She's in Oklahoma," the mortal said, apologetically. "A work trip, you know? But I'll tell her you're looking for her."

Hela squinted at the man suspiciously. 

"And who might you be, boy?" Hela said. 

"Stephen Strange," the mortal said. "Are you lost, ma'am? Are you looking for your family?"

"Nay!" Hela said, angrily. "I seek Christine Palmer!"

"I understand," the mortal said. "But why are you looking for her? Do you think she'll be able to help you find your, uh, your kin?"

Hela frowned, thoughtfully, and said, "You know of my kin?"

"I've met you before," the mortal said. "You don't remember me?"

"Aha!" Hela said, triumphantly. "You know my Loki well, do you? Are you close to the man known as Loki Wordsmith?"

"No, no," the mortal said. "I'm just a graduate student. Um, I know Loki, but I'm just... uh... I'm his TA, you realize? I am a colleague, not a consort."

"Colleague?" Hela said, scowling. "What does this mean?"

"A teacher's assistant," the mortal elaborated. 

"Oho," Hela said, chuckling heartily. "A sapling scholar? My moonflower is very fond of young scholars."

"I know," the mortal said. "I'm a medical student, but Loki teaches Greek Mythology. It turned out I was able to work as his TA without needing to change my major, so... hmm... I'm a TA on the side. It pays well enough."

"Very good, little sapling," Hela said, approvingly. "My Loki admires those who would study more than one field. And the Greek Pantheon is a noble one."

"Thank you?" the mortal said. 

"Hmm," Hela said, grinning at him. "How many years have you lived, sapling?"

"I'm twenty five," the mortal said. "Do you need my help, ma'am? Did you lose your Loki variant?"

Hela gasped. 

It was rare to find a mortal who was aware of the Multitude of Loki.

Hela knew she needed to be aware of each of Loki's Multitudes in order to win his heart. There were few who knew this, but those that did were valuable to Loki's Multitude. 

"Do you know of the Loki that would answer to Gelid Cozen Moonflower?" Hela said. "If you know of Gelid Cozen Moonflower, I would have him."

"Yes," the mortal said. "He's my professor."

Hela blinked. 

Then she blushed. 

Then she simply stood there, astounded. 

Then she frowned. 

"You aim to trick me?" Hela said, cautiously. "Have you used Time against me?"

"I'm a time traveler, ma'am," the mortal said. "I'm not using time against you. I'm using it to help you?"

"But you have only lived twenty five short years?" Hela said, incredulously. "How would you gain the favor of the Time Lord when you have lived such a puny life?"

"I don't know why Loki favors me," the mortal said. "But I also favor him? We help each other. And then we help the other variants who are lost."

"You would help my Moonflower?" Hela said, gleefully. "You would be one of his vassals?" 

"Sure," the mortal said. "Consider me one of those Arthurian knights reincarnated."

"Aha!" Hela said, jovially. "Will the good King Arthur lead Sorceress Circe to her Merlin? I would have my Gelid Cozen Moonflower Merlin! I would see him returned to my hearth, for I have not laid eyes upon my moonlight in many decades!"

"I understand, ma'am," the mortal said. "I'll help you find him."

Then the mortal politely led Hela towards one of those carriages that did not need a steed. 

They traveled towards the castle that kept her Gelid Moonflower. 

When Gelid Moonflower Loki saw Hela, he grinned at her. 

"Sister?" Loki said, cheerfully. "I thought you had decided you would prefer to be the Queen of Asgard and conquer the nine realms?"

"Nay!" Hela said. "The only soul I wish to conquer is the Multitude of Loki!"

Loki giggled, like a happy little boy, and Hela was relieved to hear his delight.

She had not heard such pure mirth from Loki's lips in eons!

"Will you be alright, sir?" the mortal said, to Loki. "Do you think this one is a well behaved variant?"

"I'll be fine," Loki said, to his mortal. "You can trust me to take care of this woman, hmm? Bugger off."

"Fine," the mortal said. 

He left. 

Once he was gone, Loki gave Hela a charming smile. 

"What do you seek, Hela Hades?" Loki said. "If not the throne of Asgard, what do you seek?"

"I seek Gelid Cozen Moonflower Merlin!" Hela declared, confidently. "And I would have him know that I work to gather a bountiful harem for my wizard! My Merlin will live like a king and not a pauper, for I favor Merlin over Arthur!"

"Is that so?" Loki said, chuckling. "But I'm rather fond of King Arthur. Might we allow him to remain King of Asgard?"

"Aye!" Hela said. "Which throne would my Cozen prefer? Shall we topple the Vanir Queendom, my fair elm tree? Shall we take the lost city of Atlantis? Or perhaps have our fun at the Grandmaster's lustful planet?"

"You know what?" Loki said. "I would love nothing more than to assassinate the Grandmaster. Let us take over his planet."

"Aye aye!" Hela said, gleefully. "I would gladly depose that arrogant man and see my Artemis take her rightful place on the throne of the lustful planet!"

Loki grinned at her. 

Then he coughed, cleared his throat, and said, "I have one request?"

"Yes?" Hela said. 

"May I visit the people of Terra when we have a spare moment?" Loki said. "I enjoy the Earthlings, you know?"

"Aye," Hela said, nodding graciously. "Whenever you'd like."

Loki nodded back. 

Then he held his left hand towards her. 

Eagerly, Hela took her Loki's hand. 

Then Loki used his magic to transport them to the Grandmaster's planet. 

Enthusiastically, Hela picked up her magical sword and began to kill the warriors that guarded the Grandmaster's planet. 

Loki fought beside her as a dutiful shield brother. He killed less often than she did, but she knew to expect that. Loki was not as powerful as she was. 

Still, he was ferocious with his knives. 

And beautiful, as ever, when he killed those that he thought deserved to die.

When they reached the Grandmaster, the man did not beg for his life. 

He simply pouted and said, "You're breaking my heart, Lo-Lo."

"I am not your Lo-Lo!" Loki snarled. "I am Gelid Cozen Merlin!" 

"Aye!" Hela said. "He is Gelid Cozen Merlin!"

The Grandmaster shrugged. 

Then Hela killed him.  

Loki rewarded her with a passionate kiss upon her lips. 

Then, to further emphasize his affection, he also kissed her on her forehead, both cheeks, and on her nose.

Hela giggled, girlishly, and asked him if he would lay with her. 

He said he would, but that he would prefer to wash the blood away before they did that. 

She agreed to this and offered to bathe him with her magic. 

"I would prefer a real bath," Loki said. "If my mistress would not protest?"

"I will not protest, Cozen," Hela said, fondly. "Go forth, happily, and return to me when you are clean."

Loki nodded.  

And all was well with the nine realms. 

After Thor married Loki, Loki retired to his bedchamber. 

It was the very same bedchamber Loki had spent his childhood centuries sleeping in. 

Thor had hoped he would be invited inside, but he was not invited. 

It appeared their marriage was meant to be political. 

Thor did not expect Loki to consummate their marriage, but he had hoped Loki might allow Thor to cuddle his brother as they had once done in their youth. 

It was not to be, so Thor retired to his own bedchamber. 

Or, he attempted to retire there. He walked towards the very same bedchamber he had spent countless centuries sleeping in. 

However, Volstagg stood in front of the door and gently shook his head. 

"My King," Volstagg said. "You must retire in your father's bedchamber." 

Thor frowned. "Must I?" 

"Aye," Volstagg said. "It would please the magic." 

Thor huffed. "Wouldn't you say I'm old enough for a proper explanation, Volstagg?" 

Volstagg chuckled, shrugged his mighty shoulders, and said, "That is not for me to know, son." 

"Very well," Thor said, warily. "Please leave Loki in peace? I think he would prefer his own space." 

"He would," Volstagg said, nodding. "I would not dare disturb Emperor Loki's peace, but a King of Asgard must be disturbed. Therefore, you must retire to your father's bedchamber, Thor. Yet Loki may sleep where he pleases." 

Thor blinked in surprise. 

Then he grinned. 

"Aha!" Thor said, triumphantly. "The Midgardian lawyers have a word for this!" 

"Indeed," Volstagg said, giggling as mischievously as a naughty schoolboy. "They would call it a loophole." 

"You are wise, Volstagg!" Thor said, laughing heartily. "Your brain is as large as your generous stomach!" 

"Aye!" Volstagg said, cheerfully. "I contain multitudes. That is why I am Volstagg the Enormous!" 

Thor beamed at him. 

"My Loki will not run from me," Thor said, just as cheerfully. "Because we may grant him the title Emperor and shield him from my foremother's stubborn magic?" 

"Very good, Thor!" Volstagg said, conspiratorially. "You have chopped down your tree with but a single blow!" 

"Indeed!" Thor said, chortling. "I hit a nail on its head!" 

"Would my king seek my counsel if he has further questions about the magic of his bloodline's kingship?" Volstagg said, nudging Thor playfully. "Fandral and Hogun often forget this, but I was born before your father." 

"They forget?" Thor said, baffled by the very idea. "I thought all were aware that you had been born before Odin One Eye?" 

Volstagg shook his head, laughing boisterously. 

"Tis your own head we must blame," Thor said, fondly. "You are as jolly as Nicholas Flemel himself, Volstagg! And you play with your nephews like a cheerful cousin when you should be as stern as a wise uncle." 

"Bah," Volstagg said, waving this off. "Fandral and Hogun may call me cousin whenever they please. I will not scold them like an uncle." 

"You are as kind as the Saint Nick himself!" Thor said, proudly. "As always, I am proud to call you my shield brother, as well as my uncle." 

"And I am proud to call you my king," Volstagg said, wiping at a happy tear that had fallen from his eye. "That was a beautiful wedding feast, Thor. You do your ancestors proud." 

Thor grinned. "And now my uncle would inflate my head like a balloon?" 

"Hah!" Volstagg said. "Your head deserves some inflating, this decade!" 

Bashfully, Thor gave Volstagg a hug. 

Then he dutifully marched himself to his father's bedchamber. 

Upon opening the doors to the royal king's bedchamber, Thor found eight men waiting for him. 

These must be the councilmen, Thor thought. They must be here to introduce themselves. 

The only man in the room that Thor recognized was Alan Heimdallson.

He was Heimdall's eldest son. 

Otherwise, none in the room were familiar. 

There was a brown man who looked decidedly Midgardian in jeans and a leather jacket, a tiny man who looked like a Vanir elf, an Asian man who might have been Midgardian but might also have been Vanir (perhaps a half blood with parents from both realms), a red headed Aesir man whose arms were covered in inked artwork, a brunette Aesir man who wore a Midgardian's Scottish kilt, a blonde Aesir man who wore the traditional wizard stoles of the Vanir light elves, but who was clearly born Aesir, and a brown man who might have been an Atlantean judging by his scholar's robes. 

Thor frowned at the man in the Atlantean robes while he struggled to place the brown man's face.

He was a familiar man the way a royal prince from a far off realm was often vaguely familiar. 

"Are you Atlantean?" Thor asked. 

"Sure," the brown man said, shortly. "I'm Henry Yinsen Pitts." 

The man extended his right hand towards Thor for the greeting that Thor recognized as customary on Midgard. 

Thor shook the man's hand. 

"You can call me Yinsen," the man added. "On Midgard my name is Henry Pitts, but among magic folk my preferred name is Yinsen." 

"I understand, Yinsen," Thor said, politely. "I will address you as Yinsen, unless we are on Midgard." 

The man nodded. 

Then he vanished with his magic. 

The brown man in jeans, who looked like a Midgardian who was hopelessy out of place, angrily said, "Why the hell did Pitts leave?" 

"He's a shy man?" The red head said, shrugging. "He only wanted to complete the ritual. Why not let him leave when his work is done?" 

"He's a coward," the man in jeans said, scoffing. 

"I am not insulted," Thor said, reassuringly. "I won't be like my father. You men may leave whenever you'd like?" 

"That's exactly the problem!" The man in jeans said. "You're a fucking push over!" 

Thor frowned. 

"First things first," the red head said, quickly. "I'm Charles Volstaggson. Nice to meet you, Thor." 

Thor blinked. "You are Volstagg's eldest son? I thought he wore spectacles." 

"Perseus isn't the eldest," Charles said, apologetically. "Neither am I. Our eldest brother doesn't enjoy politics." 

"Very well," Thor said, nodding. "My father would have insisted the eldest sit on the council, but I am not my father." 

"I'm gonna barf," the man in the jeans said. 

"Would ya shut your silly pie hole?" The Aesir in a kilt said, pinching the cheek of the man in jeans. "Introduce yourself, sir. C'mon now. Are you a wolf or are you a man?" 

"Ugh," the man in the jeans said, slapping the other man's hand away from his cheek. "Fine. I'm Duro Peña." 

Duro Peña was like a sulky adolescent. Thor suspected he was the youngest councilman. 

"Very good to meet you, Duro Peña," Thor said, doing his best not to laugh at the man's poor mood. He knew enough to know that would not go over well. "From where do you hail?" 

"Earth," Duro said, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Loki said he wanted someone to represent Midgard this time. No taxation without representation or whatever. He picked me as Terra's ambassador." 

Then Duro Peña glared at Thor and snidely added, "He also picked me as his favorite lover, so watch yourself. I'm an official royal consort or whatever. If you're homophobic, I'll tell Loki. Then he'll divorce the hell out of you, you got that?" 

Thor nodded, frowning thoughtfully. 

Traditionally, it was a wife's duty to select her husband's concubines and a husband's duty to select his wife's concubines. 

This century, however, Loki had elected to ignore that particular tradition. 

Thor would not argue against it. 

"Um, I'm also one of his consorts," Charles Volstaggson said, awkwardly. "We all are? Um, I know it's not the done thing, but Loki said he wanted to combine the court of consorts with the court of councilmen." 

Thor simply stood there. 

He did not have words to describe his surprise. 

"Any-who," the Aesir in the kilt said. "I'm Klaus Beaufoy and I'm totally Loki's fourth favorite consort." 

"Bro," Duro said, disapprovingly. "You're his second favorite." 

"Nah," Klaus Beaufoy said, giggling. "I'm number four. I'm good with number four." 

"Don't sell yourself short!" Duro said, angrily. 

"I thought we agreed the numbers were arbitrary?" Charles said, impatiently. "There isn't a hierarchy! Loki said-" 

"I know what he fucking said!" Duro said. "It's a bunch of bullshit! I'm telling you, Klaus Beaufoy is his second favorite and Blaise Zabini is his third favorite! You have to respect them!" 

"You speak of Heimdall's eldest daughter?" Thor said, bemusedly. "Lady Blaise left with Queen Hilda." 

"Actually," Alan Heimdallson said, chuckling in amusement. "Duro Peña confused me with my twin sister." 

"Goddammit," Duro said. "Whatever, man. You aren't Blaise anymore? What's your name now?" 

"I thought his name was Alan Heimdallson?" Thor said, tilting his head. "Or have I mistaken you for one of your brothers, Heimdallson?" 

"You mistook me for my younger brother," the black man said, laughing. "Just call me Jesus, yeah? I'm black Jesus or whatever." 

"Dude," Duro said. "We don't need your pro hero name. What's your real name? We aren't on Earth." 

Sheepishly, the man said. "My birth mother named me Blaise Zabini. She also named my twin sister Blaise Zabini. We were separated at birth, so it wasn't confusing until we met each other." 

"I see," Thor said. "How would you like to be addressed?" 

"Blaise," the man said, apologetically. 

"Can I say something?" the small Vanir man said, to Blaise Zabini Heimdallson. 

"Yes?" Blaise said. 

"I think we should stop pretending to be twins with our own variants?" the Vanir said. "It's needlessly confusing." 

"Yeah!" Duro said. "Just rip the bandaid off, Blaise! Thor is supposed to be a king, isn't he? Just tell him!" 

"What do you men need to tell me?" Thor said. 

"I'm Viktor Tushner," the small Vanir said. "But I also have a variant who prefers to be a woman. Her name is Breanna Cerny. We're nothing alike because our life experiences were different, but we're genetically identical." 

"You have time traveled?" Thor said, frowning thoughtfully. "And met yourself in the multi-verse?"

"Yes," Viktor said. "All of us have time traveled. That's how we met Loki."

"Yup," Charles said. "That's also how my dad met Loki. He sort of met Loki before Loki was born, technically? Which is why Odin kidnapped baby Loki." 

"Pardon?" Thor said, gasping. "This is the first I hear of this!" 

Charles winced. "I'm sorry?" 

"You know what?" Klaus said. "I can't with this. Can I just sort of... leave? And take Duro with me?" 

"I don't want to leave yet!" Duro said. 

"Too bad," Viktor said, sternly. "We're leaving." 

Viktor Tushner was much smaller than Duro Peña, but when he reached up and grabbed Duro by the ear the man allowed himself to be roughly led out of the king's bedchamber. 

Laughing boisterously, the Aesir known as Klaus Beaufoy followed the Vanir and the Midgardian out of the room. 

It appeared the three of them were companions, apart from being Loki's consorts. 

Blaise looked at Charles, beseechingly, and Charles said, "You can go with them if you want to, Blaise."

Blaise grinned. "Really?" 

"Yes?" Thor said. "Would you like to leave?" 

"Yeah," Blaise said, rubbing at his chin. "Did we complete the ritual? We don't need to use blood magic?" 

"We don't need to use blood magic," Charles said, nodding. "Go on." 

Grinning, Blaise quickly left to chase after the three men that had gone ahead of him. 

This left only three men remaining with Thor: 

Charles Volstaggson, the blonde Aesir, and the man who appeared to be half Vanir and half Midgardian. 

"Are you sure we don't need to use blood magic?" the Asian half elf said, suspiciously. "Isn't it traditional to use blood magic? Loki favors the old rituals."

"You can if you want to?" Charles said. "It's not forbidden, but we aren't going to insist on it. It's one of those old fashioned traditions, you know?" 

The blonde Aesir gasped. "It isn't forbidden? You should have said!" 

The blonde Aesir used his wizard's magic to summon a ceremonial knife. 

"Wait!" the Asian half elf shouted. "I want to go first!" 

"Too bad!" the blonde Aesir said, laughing like a maniacal dark wizard. "You snooze you lose, elf!" 

The blonde Aesir gleefully sliced at his own wrist. 

His blood spilled upon the floor of the king's bedchamber and lit up the entire room with magic. 

"You fucking prat!" the Asian half elf said, huffing with barely suppressed rage. "You cheated!" 

Then Charles pulled a wooden stick out of his sleeve and casually sliced his own wrist as well. 

His blood spilled onto the floor and the king's bedchamber glowed more brightly still. 

Thor was amused by the hedonistic display of blood magic, but the half elf was not amused. 

"It doesn't count!" the half elf shrieked. "Loki said I'm his Number One Wizard! It doesn't matter if you bleed first because I'm his favorite wizard!" 

"Yeah yeah," the blonde Aesir said. "I'm apparating without revealing my name because I know how your magic works, elf. I won't let you entrap me in an elf's nefarious contract." 

"You're a dirty little no maj!" the Asian half elf yelled, stomping his foot. "You don't even understand your own abilities! You stole Vanir magic, which was not yours to trifle with!" 

The blonde Aesir man grinned. "Finders keepers, mate." 

Then he vanished with a loud cracking sound, as if someone had just toppled a large oak tree. 

"Ugh," the Asian half elf said. "He has no manners!" 

"He's an inexperienced wizard," Charles said. "He'll learn how to be quieter with his spellwork once he's learned more magic." 

"Sure he will!" the Asian half elf said. "Just get out of here, Weasley! I won't give the Odinson my true name until I'm alone with him! It is not for your ears to hear, so you must leave!" 

Charles Weasley Volstaggson nodded politely to this. 

Then he vanished with a gentle puff of smoke. 

"May I ask you a question, noble elf?" Thor said. 

"No!" the Asian half elf shouted. "My name is Joon Ezra Byun and I will not entertain any questions! I will only say that Loki Cozen Hawtrey belongs to me and I belong to him! It is you, Thor Odinson, who is a concubine and it is I, Joon Ezra Byun, who is a king!" 

With that said, Joon Ezra Byun used his magic to slice open both of his wrists and both of his ankles, like a bloodhound that was determined to mark his territory, and then he vanished with a large bolt of blue lightning which vaporized the king sized bed that had been lifted on a platform at the center of the king's bedchamber.

Thor sighed. 

Then he left the king's bedchamber and sought out his childhood bedchamber, deciding that he would rather sleep there anyway. 

It was just as well. 

His marriage to Loki would be a political marriage. 

As long as Loki remains by my side, Thor thought. I will allow him to enjoy his lovers as he pleases. 

Shortly after Thor had this thought, Loki materialized in Thor's bedchamber with a bright flash of green light. 

He had changed himself into a woman once more and was wearing a sky blue nightgown. 

"May I cuddle with you in a platonic manner?" Loki said, tentatively. "Or would that be offensive?" 

"It would not be offensive, sister!" Thor said, eagerly. "I would happily embrace the sibling I once mourned!" 

Loki smiled, softly, and crawled into bed with Thor. 

She rested her head on Thor's shoulder and hesitantly snaked her arms around Thor's waist. 

Thor hugged her close and whispered, "I will always love you, Loki. Be you blue, white, or any color under the stars. You know I will always love you, yes? Or will you doubt my love?" 

"I will not doubt you," Loki murmured. 

She shivered in Thor's arms, however, and Thor sighed. 

"Why do you shiver?" Thor said. 

"I will not answer any questions, Thor," Loki whispered. "I will sleep." 

"Aye," Thor said. "I will do my best to warm you?" 

"I said I would not answer questions," Loki huffed. "Why do you persist with questions?" 

"I apologize," Thor said, as gently as possible. "I will sleep." 

"Good boy," Loki said. "Go to sleep like a good king. Sleep beside me and think nothing at all, hmm?" 

"Yes, yes," Thor said, chuckling good naturedly. "My head is as empty as it is blonde." 

"Hah!" Loki said. "I have not heard a blonde joke in eons!" 

"Ah, I apologize?" Thor said. "I forgot they had fallen out of fashion." 

"No matter," Loki said, playfully. "Unfashionable jokes are permitted in this Queendom." 

"My Loki is as generous as she is beautiful," Thor said, reverently. "She is as fair as Snow White, as brave as Robin Hood, and as wily as the Fantastic Fox." 

"Mmm," Loki said. "My Thor is as strong as Pegasus, as heroic as a Galaxy Guardian, and much smarter than he looks." 

Upon hearing these words, Thor giggled like a little boy. 

Then, there was another flash of green light.

Loki had allowed herself to wear her blue skin. 

She was no longer shivering. 

Thor grinned at her. 

He kissed her upon her forehead. 

Then she lunged forward and kissed him on his lips. 

This time, the kiss was not chaste. 

Thor was eager to kiss Loki however Loki wanted to be kissed, so he allowed Loki to lead the kiss. 

Neither of them used tongue, because Loki was not doing so, so Thor did not do so. 

When Loki moved to kiss his neck, Thor obligingly tilted his head. 

When Loki bit Thor like a hedonistic vampire Thor twitched in surprise, but held still. 

Loki drank a small sip of Thor's blood, then licked the wound closed. 

"There," Loki said, triumphantly. "We have consummated the marriage!" 

"Aye?" Thor said. "But I did not lay with you?" 

"What of it?" Loki said, tilting her head. "The magic does not care about copulation, Thor. The magic only requires blood." 

"Is that the case?" Thor said. "Do I need to bite you as well?" 

"No, no," Loki said. "You do not need to. Unless you want to?" 

"Hmm," Thor said. "Will our marriage suffer if I do not bite you?" 

"It will not suffer," Loki said, giggling. "And I imagine my junebug will be pleased, so perhaps... do not bite me? I'd rather not upset my junebug, if possible?" 

"Joon Ezra Byun?" Thor said, frowning thoughtfully. "He is your favored consort?" 

"Yes," Loki said, blinking. "How did you gain his full name? I assumed he would use an alias when he introduced himself to you."

Thor chuckled, anxiously, and said, "He did not hesitate to give me his true name." 

"Wonderful!" Loki said, beaming at Thor the way an older sister might grin at a younger brother that had finally done her proud. "You must have impressed him, Thor! Good work!" 

I do not think I impressed that man, Thor thought. But he certainly impressed me with his display of lightning. 

"He also has thunder magic," Thor said, hesitantly. "Is that why you favor him?" 

Loki frowned in confusion. "He has thunder magic? I didn't realize he'd picked up that particular skill." 

It is worse than I feared! Thor thought. My Loki must love the half elf ardently for his scholar's mind and not for his brute strength and battle skill! 

"He is a skilled wizard?" Thor said, calmly. 

"The most skilled wizard I have ever met," Loki said, nodding. "He is also a well traveled scholar who is familiar with Midgardian sciences and Atlantean philosophy." 

That man has won my Loki's heart! Thor thought, in dismay. And all I have won is a political marriage! 

"Thor?" Loki said, tilting her head. "Is something wrong?" 

"N-nay," Thor said. 

Loki pouted, playfully, and said, "Did Byun bark at you? I told him to mind his manners." 

"He did indeed mind his manners," Thor said, hastily. "I will also mind my manners. I met your eight councilmen and aim to respect all eight of them." 

"Thank you," Loki said, with the brightest smile Thor had ever seen upon the fair Loki's lovely face. "I will also respect all of your lovers, Thor. When will you introduce them to me?" 

"Pardon?" Thor said. 

"I've already met Jane Foster, of course," Loki continued. "But where have you been hiding away the rest of your harem, hmm? Now is the time to reveal them, Thor. Don't be coy." 

Thor blinked.

"Thor?" Loki said. "Is something the matter?" 

"No, no," Thor said. "I only wonder... am I required to have a harem? Will the magic of Asgard protest if I neglect to collect a group of consorts?" 

"Of course?" Loki said. "We are each obligated to select eight lovers?" 

"We are?" Thor said. "Why?" 

Loki scowled. "Your mother said some nonsense about fertility magic. She said you are the God of Fertility." 

"Mother never told me any such thing!" Thor said, angrily. "Why wouldn't she tell me?" 

"I don't know, Thor?" Loki said. "Would you like me to ask Beaufoy to contact your mother? He'll hold a séance for you if I ask him to." 

"Klaus Beaufoy?" Thor said. "I thought he was an ordinary Aesir?" 

"He's a wizard," Loki said. "All of my lovers are wizards and witches, Thor." 

"But there are only men in your council of eight?" Thor said. "Wouldn't it be more accurate to say all of your lovers are wizards?"

"No," Loki said. "Those are my wizards, but I also have witches." 

"Eight witches?" Thor said, gasping. 

Loki rolled away from him and giggled. "I have more than eight witches, Thor. I thought you knew I was friendly with the Valkyrie's clan?" 

"Yes?" Thor said. "But those warriors are not witches?" 

Loki looked confused. She was so far away now. She still lay on the bed beside Thor, but the hug they had once shared was fully abandoned with no hope of returning. 

"They would argue otherwise, Thor," Loki said, sternly. "Each of them possesses magic." 

"Oh," Thor said, blinking in befudlement. "I see?"

He realized, just then, that he was ignorant of his own people's customs. 

"My favored Valkyrie is named Nashira Varman Skazki," Loki said, with an aggressive grin. "I'll allow you to meet her if you also introduce me to your favored lover." 

I have zero lovers! Thor thought, frantically. I rarely bed the same woman twice! 

It looked like Loki was unaware of this. 

She didn't realize that Thor did not have any women in his life who were willing to return to his bed after laying with him once or twice! 

Jane Foster had remained with him for longer than that, but even she had left when she realized her lover was an immortal man who would disappear from her life for years at a time while he adventured with his shield brothers. 

Thor had always prioritized his shield brothers over his lovers. 

"Thor," Loki said, sitting up to frown down at him. "You're as pale as a ghost?" 

"I apologize?" Thor said, thinking quickly. "You have already met my favored lover?" 

"You still favor Jane Foster?" Loki said, musingly. "I suppose she is worthy. Your hammer thinks so, in any case." 

"Wait a moment!" Thor said, sitting up and glaring at Loki. "You said the Aesir wizard, Klaus Beaufoy, will grant me a séance? Did you not also say you gave up your life to Thanos because the dark elves would not grant you a séance?"

"Yes," Loki said, rolling her eyes. "Beaufoy was in Valhalla at the time. How am I meant to ask my dark wizard to contact the dead for me if my dark wizard is also dead himself?" 

"Do not lie to me, Loki!" Thor said. "Please do not lie!" 

"I am not lying, you boorish oaf!" Loki shrieked. "I will retire to Nashira Varman's bed and wash my hands of you if you accuse me of lying one more bloody time!" 

"Alright!" Thor said. "Please do not leave, Loki! I apologize!" 

Loki sneered at him. "I think I might leave anyway. Nashira tells me she has bought me a wedding gift." 

"Wait!" Thor said. "I am the man who is a liar today! Jane Foster is not my favored lover!"

Loki smirked. "Then who is your favored lover, Thor? I would have the truth. If you fail to give me the truth? You will not see me for a decade!" 

"It is you, Loki!" Thor shouted. "My favored lover has always been you!" 

Loki did not look pleased to hear this. 

Instead, she looked alarmed. 

"Wh-what?" Loki said. 

"I've always loved you!" Thor cried. "Please don't leave me!" 

Loki stood up from the bed and began pacing around Thor's childhood bedchamber, but she did not teleport away like she so often would do during their arguments. 

Thor was simply relieved that she remained in the room with him, so he held still and sat patiently on his bed. 

"You have always loved me?" Loki said, scoffing. "Why would you feed me such a ludicrous lie? You mistake me for a little fool, Thor? Is that it? You catch a glimpse of my bosom and assume me a fool?" 

"No!" Thor yelled. "I do not think you are a fool!" 

Loki changed herself back into a man. He also changed his clothes. 

Now he was wearing a black three piece suit while he paced around the bed chamber. 

"I will not be trifled with!" He bellowed. "I will have the truth, Odinson!" 

"Aye!" Thor said. 

Thor jumped out of his bed and knelt upon the floor, looking up at Loki like a worshipper before a priest. 

"I should not have lied about Jane Foster!" Thor said. "She has never been my favored lover! She was simply a woman who neglected to abandon me for longer than I am accustomed to!" 

This brought Loki up short. He stopped pacing. 

"Wh-what?" Loki said, breathlessly. "What woman would abandon the handsome Prince Thor?" 

"Every woman I have ever tumbled!" Thor cried. "They lay with me once or twice, giggle in triumph, and then run away from me!" 

Loki tilted his head. 

"Thor," Loki said, cooly. "Do you mean to tell me you have only slept with barmaids that you briefly encountered in brothels?" 

"Yes, Loki!" Thor said. "Until I met Jane Foster!" 

"Merlin's beard," Loki said, furiously. "What the bloody hell is wrong with you, Thomas?" 

"Pardon?" Thor said, blinking in confusion upon hearing an unfamiliar name. 

"Circe!" Loki shouted. "I cannot do this!" 

"Wait!" Thor said. "Do not leave! Please!" 

"Why shouldn't I leave?" Loki said, quietly. "Your mother is not here to force me to give you an heir, Thor. As far as I am concerned, I have done my duty to Asgard. To ask me for an heir is to go too far." 

"I do not ask for an heir!" Thor yelled. "I only ask for your company!"

"WHY?!" Loki bellowed, at the top of his lungs. 

"Because I cherish you above all others!" Thor screamed. "Please do not abandon me to grief! I cannot live without my moon!"

"Bugger off, wanker!" Loki shouted. 

Then Loki vanished with a bright flash of green light. 

And Thor was left alone in his bedchamber, where he could only cry at the loss. 

I always lose my Loki, Thor thought, hours later. Because I am a fool and a wanker! Why am I such a bloody fool?!

He did not have an answer. 

But Thor was determined to find one. 

He decided, right then, that he would have words with Joon Ezra Byun. 

For Byun was the man that had won Loki's heart. 

Thor would also have words with Nashira Varman Skazki. 

For she was the woman that had won Loki's heart. 

I will gain their assistance whether they like it or not! Thor thought, fiercely. And then I will begin a proper courtship! 

He would win Loki's heart! 

"Do not forget about America Chavez," Hogun's grim voice drifted out of the night's air like the haunting echo of a ghost. "Loki would like to adopt that young Midgardian and save her from Stephen Strange. You must help Loki with his adoption."

Thor stood up. "Hogun?"

On the other side of the bedchamber, Hogun the Grim dramatically threw an invisibility cloak off of his shoulders, proudly straightened himself up, and announced, "I am Loki's ninth wizard! I am favored because Loki would entrust me with spying on the other eight wizards!" 

"Hades!" Thor said. "Did Loki also tell you to spy on his husband?" 

Sheepishly, Hogun said. "No, but you are the tenth wizard. Naturally, I must spy on you as well?" 

"I am the tenth wizard?" Thor said, incredulously. "But I am not a wizard?" 

"Imbecile," Hogun said, huffing impatiently. "Do you or do you not wield thunder magic?" 

Thor blinked in surprise. "Aye? I was born with thunder magic." 

"You're a wizard, Thomas Riddle," Hogun said, flatly. "Congratulations. You're also an ignorant little fool." 

"Aye?" Thor said. "I have long been told I am a fool."

"Listen carefully, Grindelwald," Hogun said, softly. "Your father, Albus Odin Dumbledore Wednesday, is an evil man." 

"Aye?" Thor said. "Hela herself was proof enough that Odin One Eye Allfather was a war mongering imperialist." 

"Very good, Thor," Hogun said, condescendingly. "Your father was also a powerful wizard who loved to throw memory charms at your head. Because he is trapped in Valhalla, he is no longer here to poison your mind with memory magic." 

Thor frowned, thoughtfully, and simply said, "Aye?" 

"Therefore," Hogun said, patiently. "It is time for you to be a big boy. You will no longer wander around like Peter Pan adventuring with his lost boys." 

"I simply want Loki to love me as I love him!" Thor shouted. "That is all I want, Hogun!" 

"Aye!" Hogun said. "And I want my Moonlight to be happy with their husband!" 

"You do?" Thor said, hopefully. 

"Yes!" Hogun shrieked. "My Loki will cry when they are unhappy with their husband!" 

"I do not want my Loki to cry!" Thor cried. 

Suddenly, he was sobbing like a little boy. 

"Then you will help Loki adopt America Chavez!" Hogun shouted. "Loki is afraid of Stephen Strange! Loki is fearful that the dark wizard Stephen Strange has wrongfully kidnapped an innocent young witch! You must help Loki rescue the innocent maiden, Thomas!" 

"Aye!" Thor sobbed. "I would rescue a thousand maidens to see my Loki smile!" 

"Good!" Hogun said. 

With all of that said, Hogun vanished. 

He simply disappeared. 

Thor shrugged this off. 

Then he ran towards Loki's childhood bedchamber and found Loki crying upon his childhood bed while clutching a pillow to his chest. 

"Please forgive me, brother!" Thor cried. "I shouldn't have lied about Jane Foster!" 

"No you shouldn't have!" Loki cried. "Why are you such a boorish scoundrel, Thomas?!" 

"I apologize!" Thor sobbed. "Please forgive me! I will help you rescue America Chavez!" 

"Yes you bloody will!" Loki shrieked. "Come here, Thor! Come here!" 

Eager for forgiveness, Thor dutifully ran to Loki's bed. 

Loki's bed was smaller than Thor's bed, but it did not matter. 

Loki bundled them both under his blankets and hugged Thor tightly. 

"Your name is Thomas Gans," Loki whispered. "Do you hear me? Your real name is Thomas Gans." 

"Yessir!" Thor said, clinging to the beautiful Loki Moonflower. "My name is Thomas Gans!"

He was simply happy to have his arms around Loki. He was simply relieved that Loki also had his own arms wrapped around Thor. 

Loki gently began to run his fingers through Thor's hair. 

"Please behave yourself," Loki murmured. "Do not conduct yourself like an evil wizard?" 

"I will be a good wizard!" Thor declared. "I will direct my lightning wherever you tell me to direct it and I will keep a tight leash on it otherwise!" 

"Very good, Tommy!" Loki said. "That is very good! You are a good man after all!" 

"I will be your Tommy!" Thor said, confidently. "And you will be... who will you be, Loki?" 

"Luigi Alacrán," Loki said. "But you may call me Loki. I will not scold you." 

"Thank you!" Thor said. "May I call you my moon? My Moonflower?" 

"Yes, Thor," Loki said. "Nevermind our names. A rose by any other name is just as sweet. I will call you Thor, hmm? Is it your favored name?" 

"Aye!" Thor said. "But I would denounce the name of Odinson and take your name instead! Might I be Thomas Thor Alacrán?" 

"Very good," Loki said, kissing Thor on the forehead. "You may take my name." 

Thor beamed at him. 

"I love you more than the moon and the stars!" Thor said, enthusiastically. "I love you more than Hades loved Persephone!" 

"Thank you," Loki said, quietly. "I love you more than Artemis loved Apollo." 

"Will you stay?" Thor said, anxiously. "Will you stay with me?" 

"Yes," Loki said. "I will stay." 

Thor nodded. 

He did not believe it, but he nodded. 

Then he fell asleep. 

Chapter Text

Stephen was reading the Darkhold in the privacy of his office when a young Hispanic woman urgently knocked on his door. 

He opened the door, curiously, and frowned down at her.

"Yes?" Stephen said. 

"My name is America Chavez," the young woman said, breathlessly. "Um, will you help me, sir?"

Stephen frowned. "What do you need help with?"

"I need help rescuing Prince Loki!" America Chavez said, urgently. "Please, sir! Um, help me Obi-wan Kenobi! You're my only hope!"

Stephen huffed, in irritation, and said, "I'm not a fan of the Star Wars movies."

America grinned at him. "But you got my reference, sir. That's all that matters."

"Uh huh," Stephen said. "If you're looking for a haven for mutants, you need to find Charles Xavier."

"No!" America said, scowling. "I hate Professor X! He won't help me!"

"You already asked him for help?" Stephen said, blinking.

"Of course I did!" America said. "But he's too busy fighting with Magneto!"

"Alright?" Stephen said. "What would you have me do, then?"

America beamed up at him as if he'd just handed her a life saving cure to a fatal disease. 

Stephen blinked at her, bemusedly. 

"I am really really worried about Prince Loki," America said, with the patience of a young woman who was used to repeating herself. "Will you please help me save the life of an innocent man?"

"Save his life?" Stephen said. "What are you saving him from?"

"A war!" America said. "Thanos is going to kill him, sir! We have to save Prince Loki from Thanos!"

"Oh," Stephen said. "He's already been saved from the war with Thanos. As we speak, Loki Odinson is enjoying a civilian life right here in New York."

"No, sir!" America said, tearfully. "Thanos isn't dead! He faked his death!"

"Oh?" Stephen said, frowning. "This is the first I'm hearing of it."

"Thanos is immortal, sir!" America said, fearfully. "He's an Eternal!"

"An Eternal?" Stephen said. 

"An immortal alien!" America said. 

She reached out to grasp Stephen by his elbow. 

"He's like those Asgardian aliens," America said, while widening her eyes in a meaningful way. "He's like those Egyptian aliens. The ones that, um, that bothered that man... um... Moon Knight?"

"Oh," Stephen said, sighing. "Like The Grandmaster and The Collector?"

"Aha!" America said, laughing in anxious relief. "I knew you were the right Stephen Strange! You're the man who's gonna help me because, um, because you're a very powerful wizard?"

"I'll help you," Stephen said, calmly. "But will you settle down? Please let go of me."

Immediately, America released her hold on Stephen's elbow and sheepishly stepped back. 

"I'm sorry, sir," America said. "I was worried you wouldn't believe me? Sometimes I get locked up in a psyche ward when I'm trying to ask for help?"

Stephen groaned. 

"Has that happened to you too, sir?" America said, sympathetically. 

"Yes," Stephen growled. "And the American Mental Health Hospitals are a nightmare. They are understaffed, underfunded, and cruelly operated."

"Yes, they are!" America said, angrily. "I hate those places!"

"I won't send you to a psyche ward," Stephen said. "Don't worry."

"Thank you, sir!" America said. "Thank you!"

"Please tell me everything you know about Thanos," Stephen said. "You say he is immortal. You say he faked his death. Do you know why he faked his death?"

"Um, I know he's in love with a woman named Hela Pluto Hades," America said, frowning thoughtfully. "And I know he loves murdering Prince Loki because Hela is in love with Loki. That's why we have to protect Prince Loki!"

Stephen rolled his eyes. "Why is it always the same with these immortals? They run around chasing each other like cats in heat."

"I have no idea, sir," America said, groaning. "But Prince Loki isn't as old as them! He's barely two hundred and fifty! Hela and Thanos are both ridiculously old! Thousands of years old, sir! They, um, they keep killing Loki while they're fighting wars with each other? It's really sad, sir! It's really depressing!" 

"Loki is two hundred and fifty?" Stephen said, thoughtfully. "He told me he was fifty eight."

"You might have been talking to one of his younger variants," America said. "He has a lot of them because Hela and Thanos keep killing him and then Odin Allfather keeps, um, keeps using time travel to save him?"

"Oh," Stephen said. "Hmm. I'll need to investigate further."

"Yessir!" America said. "Can I be your Watson? I'll help you investigate!"

Stephen smiled. "Yes, you can be my Watson. I'll hire you as my teacher's assistant?"

"Yessir!" America said. "Thank you, sir!" 

"Are you familiar with the magic of the Darkhold?" Stephen said, tilting his head. 

"I totally am," America said, grinning. "Um, I've met the Scarlet Witch and I've also met Agatha Harkness and gone on the witches road, so you can trust me to be a good student because I already took the introductory lessons?"

"That's very good," Stephen said. "I'll mentor you further. I'll show you the wizard's road."

"Awesome!" America said, laughing cheerfully. "And then we can save Prince Loki? I don't like the way Odin just re-winds time and starts over. I feel like, um, he is a very lazy father? He never actually does anything about Thanos! He just brings Prince Loki back to life with time travel, but then Loki dies all over again because Odin never does anything about Thanos!"

"He sounds like an irresponsible guardian," Stephen said, huffing. "I'll get to the bottom of it."

"You're the best!" America said, suddenly throwing her arms around Stephen's waist. 

Stephen huffed in surprise, but he allowed her to hug him.

She quickly released him and stepped back once more, looking embarrassed. 

"Sorry," America said. "I know you don't know me, but I've met a lot of your variants."

"I see," Stephen said. "That's fine. I'll come to know you, with time."

America smiled, softly, and then she formally extended her left hand towards Stephen. 

Recognizing the magic for what it was, Stephen extended his own left hand and firmly shook her hand. 

With this handshake, they sealed themselves together as Mentor and Apprentice. 

Then Stephen said, "We need to talk to the eldest Loki variant. I would like to consult him."

"I would love to see him!" America said, eagerly. "Isn't he the new King of Asgard? He's probably on Asgard's planet?"

"No," Stephen said. "The youngest Loki is the new King of Asgard."

America blinked in surprise. 

"How do you know he's the youngest?" America said. 

"The elder Loki informed me," Stephen said. "The elder Loki prefers to distract his youngest variants with fancy titles and pointless tasks."

"Oh!" America said, laughing. "I get it, sir. Um, then where is the eldest Loki?"

"South Texas," Stephen said. "Unless he left. I haven't spoken to him in a few years, but I think it's likely that he is still in South Texas."

"Why is he in South Texas?" America said, tilting her head.

"He is the headmaster of a boarding school in South Texas," Stephen said. "It's a school for mutants."

"What's the school called?" America said. 

"The Alacrán Academy," Stephen said. 

America laughed. 

"What is it?" Stephen said. 

"Nothing, sir," America said. "An inside joke? I think maybe Loki named his school after a book?"

"Oh?" Stephen said. "What book?"

"The House of the Scorpion," America said. "By Nancy Farmer. You've never read it?"

"I can't say that I have," Stephen said. "Is it a magical book?"

"No, sir," America said, laughing further. "It's a children's book. Loki is fond of children's fiction."

"Ah," Stephen said. "I've always preferred to read nonfiction. Textbooks and instructional books on Thelma and Vanir magic."

"I know, sir," America said, fondly smiling at him. "That's okay. I've always loved fiction, so I usually pick up on Loki's nerdy jokes. You'll find that useful? Because Loki likes to invent new spells. He names them after the fiction he admires."

"Hmm," Stephen said. "That probably will be useful."

America puffed herself up proudly. 

"We've got the best of both worlds," America said, conspiratorially. "I'm the witch and you're the wizard."

"Marvelous," Stephen said. "I look forward to working with you."

Tentatively, Stephen extended his right hand towards her. 

She recognized the magic for what it was, so she eagerly extended her own right hand and shook hands with him. 

This way, they would not lose each other in the multi-verse. 

They had linked their magical signatures to each other. 

It was a precautionary measure. 

To prevent them from losing each other while they traveled the mutli-verse. 

"I missed you so much, Stephen," America said. "I'm glad I finally found you again."

"Did your Stephen Strange variant die?" Stephen said, sympathetically. 

America sniffed. "Yes. He was protecting me from Wanda Maximoff. Not the Scarlet Witch. She was... um... she was an evil variant. The one who was grieving her dead family."

"I understand," Stephen said. "I will do my best to fill in his shoes."

"You don't have to worry about things like that," America said, softly. "You're already filling in his shoes. Thank you for shaking my hand, sir. I was really worried about losing you. I lost my parents because I didn't know how to tie my magic to theirs. I found them again, but they didn't recognize me. They weren't the right set of parents."

"The same thing happened to the twin boys who were born to Wanda Maximoff," Stephen said, sighing. "They lost their mother, by accident, while time traveling."

America nodded. "Tale as old as time?"

"I'm afraid so," Stephen said. "It is the curse of the magically gifted."

"The Gypsy Curse?" America said. 

"Something like that," Stephen said. "But Wanda would argue that she isn't a gypsy. She's Romanian."

"Right," America said. "Sorry. Um, I forgot that her people changed their name back to their roots."

"That's alright," Stephen said. "In any case, I am glad that you found me. I was in need of an Apprentice. I will be a good Mentor to you, America Chavez."

"I'll be a good Apprentice!" America cried. 

Then she was hugging him again. 

Stephen allowed it. 

This time, he returned her hug. 

Later, they would call themselves father and daughter. 

But Stephen had not adopted the lost orphan just yet. 

For now, he simply hired her as his apprentice. 

And America Chavez was happy to be a dutiful apprentice. 

She was determined to save Loki Wordsmith. 

Little did she know, Loki Wordsmith was determined to save her too. 

Chapter Text

The woman that Loki favored introduced herself as the Alkaline Valkyrie, but Loki knew her as Nashira Varman Skazki. 

Thor became used to the fact that the Valkyrie who guarded Loki's hearth knew him as Thomas Gans. 

Most of them would scornfully address him as Gans, Ganson, or Ganly. 

"The hell do you want, Ganson?" Skazki said, bitterly, whenever Thor sought her counsel. 

"I aim to please my Loki Moonflower," Thor said, cheerfully. "I would have your assistance, Skazki!" 

"No," she said, huffing. "I will not help you!" 

"Yes, you will," Thor said, confidently. "For you are happy when your monarch is happy." 

Skazki scowled. 

"Is that not so?" Thor said, grinning cheekily. "Do you not wish your monarch well?" 

"Bah," Skazki said. "I need specificity, Ganson. Pray tell, what is your aim on this day?" 

"Aha!" Thor said. "I aim to investigate the kidnapping of America Chavez Gomez Addams." 

"Very well?" Skazki said. "Which one?" 

"Pardon?" Thor said, frowning. "The one and only America Chavez Gomez Addams is the child I seek, Skazki. For my Loki Moonflower is concerned for her welfare?" 

"Yes, yes," Skazki said. "We all know full well Loki has adopted the Multitude of America. Which variant are you concerned with on this particular day?" 

Thor frowned. "The Multitude of America? Is that her godly name?" 

"Of course not," Skazki said. "Her godly name is Liberty." 

"I am puzzled, then, by the title?" Thor said. "If not her godly name is it her pro hero name among the Midgardians?" 

"No," Skazki said, huffing. "It is simply her name? Every America is named America." 

"Every America?" Thor said, blinking bemusedly. 

"You did not know about the doppelgangers?" Skazki said, disdainfully. "You have been crowned King of Asgard and welcomed into Ezra's marriage bed and yet you did not even know the basic laws of Time? What a dullard my Ezra has tied himself to! He must be beside himself with boredom when he lays against such an imbecilic ignoramus!" 

Then the Valkyrie vanished with an angry flash of red light. 

Thor sighed. 

Then he sought out Joon Ezra Byun.

For Thor recognized that Byun had taken his middle name from the man he loved above all others. 

Thor also recognized that Loki Moonflower Wordsmith was known, among his lovers, as Ezra. 

He would have Byun's assistance. 

If Byun vanished, as Skazki had done, then Thor would seek Charles Volstaggson. 

If that man vanished as well, Thor would seek Klaus Beaufoy. 

For Thor was determined to please his queen. 

He would have the Queen's Consorts assist him with the task, whether they liked it or not, and he would hound them until they adequately explained themselves. 

It was all Thor could think to do. 

Chapter Text

Stephen was in a car accident when he met Prince Gelid Loki Heisman. 

The man was one of those blue aliens that had immigrated to Earth from an ice planet a few solar systems away. 

He found out later that Gelid Loki Heisman wasn't just any alien immigrant. Apparently, on his ice planet, he was a prince. 

Gelid didn't bother to introduce himself as a prince. In fact, he didn't introduce himself at all. He simply teleported into Stephen's car right after the crash started and then used his super powers to safely remove Stephen from the crash. 

They landed on the side of the road. 

Stephen could only stand there, in shock, as he watched his empty car get crushed. 

"Take better care of your hands, doctor!" Gelid shouted, angrily. "Palmer will be upset with you if your hands are damaged, yes? I do not want my Palmer to be upset, therefore, drive carefully!"

Then the blue man, who was wearing a black three piece suit complete with waistcoat and a green cravat, disappeared with a bright flash of green light. 

Eventually, Stephen made it back to his apartment. When he opened the front door his ex-girlfriend, Christine Palmer, was waiting for him. 

She had used the spare key he'd neglected to take back from her when she'd broken up with him. Christine simply stood there in front of his coat rack and waited for him to come inside of his apartment, but he did not step inside. 

Instead he stood in front of the open door and warily scrutinized her. 

"I'm so glad you're okay, Stephen!" Christine cried, tearfully. "Please come inside! Please!"

"How did you send a mutant to save me?" Stephen said. "The other car had three people inside. None of them were saved, Christine."

"I'm sorry!" Christine said. "Gelid isn't superman! He can only pick one person to save at a time, so I begged him to pick you!"

"Why?" Stephen said. 

"You're a doctor," Christine sniffed. "Isn't it morally justified? You save hundreds of lives every year."

"They didn't die," Stephen said, huffing. "They were injured, but they didn't die. Did you think they would die? Did you think I would die?"

"Stephen, please come inside?" Christine said. 

"He must have used time travel," Stephen said. "Since when can mutants use time travel? Isn't it bad enough that they can walk through walls?"

"He isn't a mutant, remember?" Christine said. "The blue people aren't like the human mutants. They're alien immigrants."

"What does it matter?" Stephen said. "Human mutant or alien immigrant, these people have ridiculous abilities. They can walk through walls, they can fly, and now they can jump through time at will?"

"Stephen-"

"It's the only logical explanation!" Stephen shouted, furiously. "He knew ahead of time! He time traveled! You cannot call me insane!"

"I'm not calling you insane!" Christine cried. "I know he can time travel! He's the Time Lord and I'm his companion!"

"What?" Stephen said, scoffing. 

"Please!" Christine said. "I'm sorry I broke up with you! But I wanted you to be safe, so I asked Prince Gelid to save you!"

"If he can time travel," Stephen said, slowly. "Then... why didn't he save the other three people? You said he could only pick one. Why?"

"I can't explain how the space time continuum works, Stephen!" Christine yelled. "I can't explain it! Please believe me when I say that it killed me to watch those other people live injured lives! They'll slowly heal, but I would have preferred to save them too! You know I would save everyone in the universe if I could, but it isn't possible!"

"Why?" Stephen said. 

"I can't explain it!" Christine said. "Why are you just standing there in the doorway? Come inside!"

"No," Stephen said. "You said that alien is named Prince Gelid? Is that one of those silly superhero names like Iron Man and Captain America?"

"Sure," Christine said, sighing. "You can call him Lewis Clarke, alright? If you want to ask him questions about time travel, you'll find him at the local university. His name is Professor Lewis Clarke."

Stephen nodded. 

Then he walked away from his own apartment. 

He simply walked around Central Park for a few hours.

When he returned, Christine was gone. She'd left the spare key on his kitchen table. 

Professor Lewis Clarke worked as an Astronomy professor at the local university. When he was among his students and colleagues, he looked like a normal man. 

The man Stephen had met was blue. Apart from his blue skin, he had been an ordinary man. 

Apart from his blue skin and teleporting powers, that is. 

Apart from his blue skin, teleporting powers, and magical time travel. 

But when he was at the university, Professor Lewis Clarke was simply a normal Caucasian man. 

When Stephen knocked on the door to the man's office, Clarke opened the door and impatiently waved towards the chair in front of his desk. 

Stephen sat on the indicated chair while Clarke sat behind his desk. 

"Why are you so rude to Palmer?" Clarke said, scowling. "She cries over you and you can't be bothered to return her phone calls?"

"Why are you so emotionally invested in Christine Palmer?" Stephen said. "As far as I knew, she was single. Are you her lover?"

"I am her co-worker, Dr. Strange," Clarke said. "Surely the concept is not beyond the pale?"

"She said you were a Time Lord," Stephen said, huffing. "And she called herself your companion."

"Yes?" Clarke said. "What of it?"

"Fire her," Stephen said, flatly. "Hire me instead."

"Hah!" Clarke said. "Why should I?"

"I'm an intelligent man," Stephen said. "Teach me everything you know about time travel. I'll make myself useful."

"Oho," Clarke said. "You'd like to be a Wizard's Apprentice?"

"Sure," Stephen said. "But you have to fire Christine."

"Hmm," Clarke said, thoughtfully. "If I refuse?"

"If you refuse," Stephen said, calmly. "I'll tell your students and colleagues that you're a mutant. I'll tell them what you really look like and what you can really do."

He thought Clarke would be angered by the threat. 

Clarke wasn't angered. 

Instead, he looked delighted to be blackmailed. 

"You've got yourself a deal, sir," Clarke said, laughing maniacally. 

He extended his left hand over his desk. 

Stephen shook his hand. 

That was how Doctor Stephen Strange, the first Strange variant, met Prince Gelid Loki Heisman, the fifth Loki variant. 

The rest was history. 

Chapter Text

Today, Loki was dressed as a man. He wore a pastel pink three piece suit. 

He had also changed his hair color. 

Today, he was platinum blonde. 

Thor blinked at Loki and admired the shade of blonde. It was even paler than the natural hair that grew upon Thor's own head.

Loki smiled at Thor, shyly, and said, "It's a pleasure to meet you, sir."

"Pardon?" Thor said. 

Loki tilted his head and repeated, "It's a pleasure to meet you, sir?"

Thor frowned, thoughtfully, and said, "Likewise?"

Loki laughed, delighted, and then said, "May I shake your hand, sir?"

Thor nodded. 

He extended his right hand and Loki shook hands with him, beaming at Thor like a young prince that had finally won the attention of his favored tutor. 

"Are you well, Loki?" Thor said, suspiciously.  

Loki released Thor's hand and gasped in a playful manner, clutching at the pastel pink tie that was tied around his neck and loosening it. 

"You've heard tale of me?" Loki said, fanning himself. "Have you, really?"

"You jest?" Thor said. 

"No, sir," Loki said, giggling. "I would never jest. Not with you, sir. For I respect the noble Ganley above all others."

"Aye?" Thor said, cautiously. "Have you... have there been any holes in your memory, Loki?"

"Yes!" Loki said, bouncing up and down excitedly. "How did you guess, sir? I've come to seek the counsel of Ganley the Wise in order to get to the bottom of this!"

In confusion, Thor said, "Since when am I wise, Loki?"

Loki also looked confused. 

"Your reputation proceeds you, sir?" Loki said. 

"Which reputation?" Thor said, blinking.

"You are the wisest professor at the Alacrán Academy," Loki said, while politely smiling like a man who was more than willing to throw compliments at another man's head. "Is that not what they say? You are the eldest professor, the strongest professor, and the one to seek when one encounters a magical dilemma?" 

"A professor?" Thor said. 

"Have I caught you during the wrong year, sir?" Loki said, looking frustrated. "My goodness, you are a very old vampire. I had hoped I would catch you during your tenure at the Alacrán Academy, but I see now that I have miscalculated."

"Wait!" Thor said, hastily. "What year do you hail from?"

"3016," Loki said, proudly. "I'm a skilled student, sir! I was able to calculate the mathematical formula for time travel on my own, sir, but I would seek your counsel concerning memory magic, hmm? Won't you tutor this student and assist me?"

"Aye?" Thor said. 

Thor was hopelessly confused, by this point. 

"I suppose I over shot the mark," Loki said, thoughtfully. "May I ask, how old are you on this day, sir? You are impressively old even now in 2026?"

"I have lived many centuries," Thor said. "I cannot name how many. I lost track of the time."

Loki looked delighted to hear this. 

"Not to worry, sir," Loki said, grinning aggressively and loosening his tie still further. "You may not be a professor yet, but you are still an intelligent vampire with powerful thunder magic. Is that not so?"

"Aye!" Thor said, eager to please even this strange Loki who was not Loki. "I am indeed an immortal Eternal and my lightning is as strong as my hammer, sword, and axe!"

"Marvelous!" Loki said. 

His tie was off now. He stuffed it in his pocket and quickly unbuttoned the top buttons of his dress shirt in order to move the cloth aside and bare his neck. 

"Will you bite me, sir?" Loki said, hesitantly. "Ah... I fear I will never regain my lost memory if I do not receive the bite of a powerful Eternal?"

"Aye?" Thor said. "Is it permissible?"

"Yessir!" Loki said. "I grant you every permission to bite me as savagely as possible, sir! Please?"

Thor chuckled. 

He had never bitten anyone before.

He also knew enough to know that the man before him was not the Loki Moonflower that Thor had officially married. 

But every Loki was Loki. Even a blonde Loki was Loki. 

So, cautiously, Thor kissed Loki upon his neck. 

Loki shivered. 

Then, Thor tentatively bit down and broke through Loki's fair skin. 

Loki moaned. 

They were standing in the halls of Asgard, but there were no Aesir or Asgardian noble dignitaries to watch as Loki wrapped his arms around Thor and slammed Thor against a wall while Thor latched onto Loki's neck with firm teeth. 

Instinctively, Thor drank for but a moment, then pulled away and licked the wound. 

He noticed that the small purple discoloration on Loki's neck was only there for a moment, a very small second, and that the wound healed itself because Thor had licked it. 

"Th-thank you," Loki said, breathlessly. "Even a small bite is more than I deserve, sir! Thank you for granting me a small bite!"

Thor blinked. "You are welcome?"

"Would you give me another if I behave myself?" Loki said, widening his eyes in a persuasive manner. "I'll be a very dutiful apprentice and seek to learn all you are willing to teach me?"

"An apprentice?" Thor said. "What do you wish to learn?"

"All that you are willing to teach me!" Loki said, impatiently. "Please, sire? I promise to behave myself as a patient student!"

"Very well?" Thor said. "But I have not studied memory magic?"

"To hell with my memory!" Loki shouted, squeezing Thor tightly and hiding his face in the crook of Thor's neck. "I will happily walk around as an amnesiac if you would just give me another bite, sir!"

Thor was very confused by this declaration. 

"If my moonflower would like a bite," Thor said, cautiously. "My moonflower need only ask?"

Loki pulled away from the hug and stared at Thor with wide eyes. 

His face was on fire. From his forehead to his cheeks to the tip of his nose and both ears, his entire face had been engulfed in a fiercesome blush. 

"D-do you aim to tease a silly schoolboy who fancies a professor?" Loki said, pouting even as he continued to blush like a lustful barmaid.  

"I do not tease!" Thor said. "I love you, Loki!"

Loki blinked. 

He simply stood there for a moment, blinking bemusedly.

Thor chuckled, nervously, and wondered if Loki would shout at him.

Then Loki grinned like a shark. "Is that so, sir? You've met my taller twin?"

"Yes, Loki," Thor said, nodding. "I am married to the raven haired Loki."

"Bloody hell!" Loki said, looking astounded. "That is wonderful, sir! You mean to tell me that I have mistakenly chosen my future husband as the man who would take my virginity?"

"Mistakenly?" Thor said, frowning. 

"Nevermind all that!" Loki said, laughing with delight. "Please take my virginity sir! I'm more than old enough, yes? Please!"

Thor squinted at the blonde Loki. 

"How old are you today, Loki?" Thor said. 

Proudly, Loki said, "Three decades, sir! Is that not old enough? I've waited three decades like a good son and now I would like to lose my virginity!" 

Thor gaped at him. 

"Did you not say you hailed from the year 3016?" Thor said. "How is it that you are only three decades if you traveled here from 3016?"

Loki frowned. "I don't follow your meaning, sir? Perhaps my translator has broken?"

"Translator?" Thor said. 

"English is not my mother tongue," Loki explained, patiently. "However, I have utilized Asgard's magic in order to speak with you. The All Tongue, you know?"

"Aha!" Thor said. "I see! Because my fair Loki was born on the ice planet?"

"Yessir," Loki said. "And on this day, my third decade, my mother granted me permission to lose my virginity. So I utilized the All Tongue's magic to grant me English, then utilized the Time Lord's magic in order to meet my favorite vampire in his prime!"

"I see!" Thor said, for he finally did see. "Is this how Volstagg the Enormous came to meet my Loki before my Loki was born? Is this also how I myself am married to my Loki before he was born?"

Loki shrugged his shoulders, bashfully, and then proudly said, "I am the master of time, sir! First and foremost, I am the God of Time!"

"Aha!" Thor said, laughing. "And it appears I am the Time Traveler's Husband."

"Yessir," Loki said, cheerfully. "And what a handsome husband I have found! Would you lay with me, sir? Er... how would your people phrase it? Tumble?"

"Yes, I will, Loki!" Thor said, eagerly. "For I am your husband and you are my spouse. Therefore, it is permissible!" 

"Thank Hawtrey!" Loki said, dramatically fanning himself. "I did not want to wait this long, but my mother insisted I must wait until I was thirty to lose my virginity! She said my future husband would be very disappointed if I did not wait and I thought she was pulling my leg, but I see now that she spoke truthfully!" 

"Aye!" Thor said, for he was happy to agree to anything that his Loki would have him agree to. 

"Where is your bedchamber, sir?" Loki said. "Please, won't you take me into your bed? I will not spend my virginity in a dirty hallway?"

"Of course!" Thor said. "Come with me, lovely Moonflower, and I will give you a king's bed!" 

Loki continued to smile from ear to ear while blushing more brightly red than Thor had ever seen him blush before. 

"I don't need a king's bed," Loki said, chuckling. "Any bed will do? So long as there are pillows to rest my knees on? Perhaps, er, at least two or three pillows?"

"I would give my Loki a thousand pillows!" Thor said, gleefully. "I will give my Loki a crown, and books, and anything else his heart desires!"

Loki giggled.

"Yessir!" Loki said. "And I will be a good student! I promise!"

"I will be a good husband!" Thor said, joyfully. 

Then they spoke no further. Simply hurried to Thor's bedchamber while giggling together like little boys. 

After they had enjoyed Loki's virginity, Loki whispered, "Must I go back to 3016? Or may I stay here with you, Ganley? Will my older twin be very cross with me if I delay my departure?"

"Your twin will not scold you," Thor said, confidently. "You may stay here until your twin tells us that you must leave?"

Loki sat up, grinned, and shouted, "Really?!"

His pale blonde hair was delightfully mused, at this point, and his fair skin was dewy with perspiration. 

Thor had never before seen Loki so young and happy. 

He realized, just then, that the Loki he had known in his childhood had been an older brother playfully pretending to be a younger brother. 

My Loki is as mischievous as Volstagg with his nephews! Thor thought, chuckling to himself. 

"Can I really stay, Ganley?" Loki said. "Do you tease me or do you mean that? Sincerely and truthfully?"

"I speak truthfully, Moonflower," Thor said. "Unless my husband tells us otherwise, you may stay."

Loki hugged Thor tightly when he said this. 

Then they slept together in Thor's bed, for darkness had fallen over Asgard.

The raven haired Loki did not tell his young counterpart to leave. 

In fact, Loki was delighted to see his blonde counterpart. 

"My, my, starlight," Raven Loki said, when he ran into Thor and Blonde Loki at the breakfast table. "How are you on this morning, my lovely little moontree?"

"I am well, brother!" Blonde Loki said, cheerfully. "Why did you not tell me that Ganley was our husband? You could have said so, sir! Why did you not tell me?"

Playfully, Raven Loki wagged a finger at Blonde Loki, "Why would I spoil my favorite nephew's thirtieth birthday gift, hmm? I worked hard to win you a beautiful vampire and you would have spoiled your surprise?"

Blonde Loki giggled. "You are a silly man, sir!"

"Not as silly as my younger brother," Raven Loki said, fondly. "Will you give your uncle a hug before I depart?"

"Depart?" Thor said. "Where are you off to, Moonflower?"

Raven Loki grinned, mischievously, and said, "Obviously, I must keep my husband company? He will be very sad to notice that his favorite student has disappeared under mysterious circumstances. On the day that 3016's Loki disappeared from his mother's mansion, I must arrive in order to replace him. Else my husband will die of a broken heart, no?"

"Aha!" Thor said, triumphantly. "Is that how the Grandfather's Paradox will be solved, Loki?"

"Aye," Raven Loki said, nodding wisely. "It is also how I came to be married to you, Ganley. In fact, this strategy is how I stole Lady Sif's husband right out from under her."

"You're brilliant, sir!" Blonde Loki said. "You, sir, are a genius among the fair folk!"

Thor could only sit there and laugh as he realized the complexity of Loki's magic. 

"I know very well that I am a clever little scoundrel," Raven Loki said, chuckling light heartedly. "Now then. Will my nephew give his favorite uncle a hug before I depart?"

"Yessir!" Blonde Loki said. "Yes I will, sir!"

The Blonde Loki stood up from the breakfast table and embraced the Raven Loki. 

They both glowed with bright green light while they hugged. 

Then the light changed color. They glowed with blue light. 

Then the two men, who were identical in every way apart from their hair color, used their magic in order to trade. 

Raven Loki became Blonde Loki and Blonde Loki became Raven Loki. 

Then the Blonde Loki cheerfully waved goodbye to Thor and vanished with a bright flash of blue light. 

The Raven Loki that remained sat down beside Thor and then kissed his husband on the cheek. 

Thor blushed.  

"I hope you are satisfied with your spouse?" Loki said, raising an eyebrow. "Was I a good student, sir?" 

"Aye!" Thor said. "You are a very good student, Loki!"

Loki laughed, then playfully picked up his goblet and raised it in the air. 

"A toast to our wedding?" Loki said. "Shall I sing Ganley is our King?"

"No, Moonflower," Thor said, softly. "Today, Loki is my king."

Loki stood up once more and shouted, "I would like another bite, sir!"

He accidentally dropped his goblet in his hurry to stand, but they both ignored the fallen cup and paid no mind to the spilled wine upon the royal carpet. 

"Aye!" Thor said. "I will give you all that you desire, Loki!"

They all but ran back to Thor's bedchamber for a tumble. 

It was a good day. 

Chapter Text

Loki arrived in 3016 with a bright flash of blue light. 

He was greeted by chaos, but that was to be expected.

When a group of warriors who called themselves Earth's mightiest heroes, also known as the Avengers, gathered around Loki with their weapons raised Loki merely laughed, gleefully, and used his magic to battle them as theatrically as possible. 

He did not kill any of the Avengers.

Nor did he kill any of the civilians who were caught in the crossfire of his battle with Midgard. 

But he made sure to give each of these Avengers a harsh spanking, for they had clearly frightened the Loki that was native to 3016. 

Why else would a young Loki variant seek to flee to a different century like a timid refugee? 

I am the true Avenger, Loki thought, while laughing maniacally. For I will take revenge against the abusive childhood bullies of every young Loki variant I encounter. 

Chapter Text

The young Odin doppelganger, who preferred to be called Thor Odinson, was a charming man. 

Loki knew Thor wouldn't be charming when he was older. He knew Thor would grow up to be Odin and that Odin would be a boorish imperialist, but he had decided to become a time traveler in order to change Odin One Eye's past. 

It was a shame that he had been unable to prevent Odin from losing his eye in the war with Thanos, but Loki decided he was still early enough in Odin's godly life to persuade the man against his genocidal tendencies. 

Maybe I can convince him to tell me the exact year he lost his eye, Loki thought, musingly. Maybe, if I can wrangle the year out of him, I can go further back in time and prevent him from losing his eye.

But Loki knew he was in a precarious position. It would be smarter not to ask Odin too many questions about his past, lest the man become suspicious of Loki's nefarious intentions.

If Loki wasn't careful, he would anger the God of War and be sent away like a naughty child, so Loki made sure to maintain faux good cheer while he seduced Odin Thorson. 

Thor Odinson, Loki corrected himself, sternly. This godling is an old vampire, but he is young enough to be unaware of his own origin story. I must not slip up. I need to call him Thor Odinson, not Odin Thorson, and ignore the name Ganley entirely. It's clear enough that this doppelganger does not yet answer to the name Ganley.  

Cerny's Spatial Moon Cruise was the perfect place to take a hedonistic god of war, so Loki politely asked his new husband if they might enjoy their honeymoon on Cerny's Spatial Moon Cruise. 

Thorson was eager to agree to this. He was pleased with his virgin sacrifice, so he followed Loki when Loki used his magic to lead them both towards Captain Cerny's luxury cruise. 

The ship had been emptied of mortals this year. Loki knew his history well enough to know that Captain Cerny had decided, on January of 2026, that he no longer wanted to entertain rich mortals. 

He much preferred the rich immortals with endless appetites. The Eternals were richer than the mortals and they had an abundance of free time to spend on Captain Cerny's little playground theme park. 

Captain Cerny would later call himself The Grandmaster, but Loki knew his history well. He knew that, before The Grandmaster was an Eternal who would be invited into the Greek Pantheon as Dionysus, the man was simply an ambitious mortal named Captain Xavier Lionel Cerny. 

Much like I myself am simply an ambitious mortal with aspirations toward godhood, Loki thought, gleefully. Because Captain Cerny is my role model, I shall follow his lead and seduce the gods with hedonism! 

All of this was decided before Loki knew which god he would be seducing. He knew he wanted to aim for one of the gods of war, but was not scrupulous enough to be picky about which god of war. 

It was a little disappointing that he had caught Odin Thorson instead of the mighty Mars or the lovely Athena, but Loki was an intelligent Frost Giant. He would settle for a small god over no god at all. 

Because Loki was an intelligent Frost Giant, he made sure to maintain his faux pale skin and his faux raven hair. 

He knew Thor would prefer a virgin sacrifice that resembled Snow White because the man was fond of the classics. 

Loki also knew Thor would kill him if he caught a glimpse of Loki's natural blue skin, so he made sure to maintain his illusion magic whenever he was in front of Thor. 

It was bad enough that Thor had already seen Loki's natural albino hair, but at least Thor had graciously forgiven his dutiful virgin sacrifice for lying about his own hair color. 

I know enough to know that Thorson Odin won't forgive a Frost Giant for deceitfully sneaking into his bed, Loki thought. Therefore, I will spend the rest of my life as the pale skinned and raven haired Snow White. I will become a god known as Snow White and join the Norse Pantheon!

It was disappointing to know that he would be a Norse god instead of a Greek god, but Loki's mother had sternly told him that he must not be picky. He would be kind to the first god he encountered on his travels and graciously join the family of any god that was polite enough to marry him. 

And yet, it was astounding to know that his first jump through time was not the first time Thorson had met his virgin bride. 

It was rather astronomical, in fact, something of a statistical improbability, but Loki was not about to look a gift horse in the mouth.

He's a handsome God of War! Loki thought. And much better looking than Hephaestus! I'll take a tiny Norse god over a giant Greek god any day if he's better looking than Hephaestus! 

"You think I cannot spy your scheming little mind, Moonflower?" Thor said, playfully, while gently running his fingers through Loki's fake raven hair. "Would my spouse share his thoughts with me?"

Loki grinned at the god. 

The big blonde man made a glorious picture while stretched out upon the large honeymoon bed that they'd placed themselves upon as soon as they arrived at Cerny's Spatial Cruise. 

The bed was designed to look like a giant red heart, so all of the blankets and pillows were red. 

The Odin that Loki knew best was a large red headed man, but this younger Odin Thorson favored blonde hair over red hair. He was a large blonde man and his fair complexion was as pretty as a picture against the red pillow he rested his head on.  

"You are very handsome," Loki murmured. "My thought is simply that I'm relieved to know that my husband is very handsome?"

"Relieved?" Thor said, tilting his head. "You feared your mother would send you to a husband that was not handsome?"

"Aye," Loki said. "She has been sternly preparing me for my wedding day for three decades, sire."

"Aha!" Thor said. "My Loki only tolerates a husband that his mother sent to him? I would have you know, Loki, that you do not have to marry me? You may leave whenever you tire of me."

Loki giggled. "Why would I tire of the handsome Thor Odinson?"

Thor grinned. "Because I'm a boorish man?"

"Bah!" Loki said. "Where is this boorish man you speak of, sire? I do not see him."

Thor hugged Loki close to his chest and whispered, "Please be honest, Loki. You don't need to hide from me, hmm? When my Loki is bored, he may find himself a library. When my Loki craves exercise, he may run outside. When my Loki would like to learn from a better god, my Moonflower should seek other gods?"

Enthusiastically, Loki nuzzled into Thor's embrace and kissed the man on his neck.

He copied what Thor had done the previous day; gently giving Thor a hickey the way Thor had done for him when they first encountered each other in Asgard's Hallway.  

Thor reacted beautifully. 

They had sex again, which finally shut Thor up. 

Cerny's Spatial Cruise was all well and good, but Loki was bored by the third day. The Cruise was filled with hedonistic gods, so all they did was drink and sing, drink and sing, and when they were not drinking or singing they were sleeping with each other. 

The gods favored orgies, but Loki himself did not want to participate in an orgy. 

Thor was a perceptive husband, so he did not ask his spouse to tolerate a threesome. 

He was also perceptive enough to notice when Loki was bored. 

Loki tried to politely lie about his boredom, but Thor simply laughed and said he knew his Moonflower well enough to recognize boredom when he saw it. 

"Let us continue our honeymoon elsewhere?" Thor said. "Do you enjoy Midgard, Loki? Would you like to go there? Or would you prefer to go back to Asgard?"

I've always wanted to explore Midgard! Loki thought, laughing. 

"Loki?" Thor said. "Are you well?" 

"Yessir!" Loki said. "Er, I mean... aye?"

"I'm fully capable of speaking in a modern tongue, Moonflower," Thor said, gently smiling down at his Snow White. "You don't need to use archaic language in order to be understood?"

"You're the best vampire I've ever met, sir!" Loki shouted, in spite of himself. 

Then he covered his face with his hands, mortified with himself. 

Thor was as polite as a school mistress. He simply waited for Loki to contain his embarrassment. 

Cautiously, Loki lowered his hands, fanned himself, and then said, "Can we visit Terra? Really? Is that allowed?"

"Yes, Loki," Thor said, beaming like a man who was eager to show off his trophy wife. "We can go to Terra, Midgard, or Earth whenever we please?"

"Yessir!" Loki said. "Please! Can we go? I've always wanted to see Terra's people! They are famous across the nine realms, sir, and, um, and they are very charming? Or so I'm told? Er, they are a noble people who... uh... who are magical engineers with giant buildings and heroic scientists?"

Thor gave Loki a hug. 

"We will go to Earth," Thor said, softly. "And we will stay there until you tire of Earth?"

"Really?!" Loki said, gasping. 

"Yes, my love," Thor said. "I will follow you on your travels. If my Loki would like to see Earth, I would like to see Earth. If my Moonflower would like a New York library, I will take him to a New York library?"

"New York is the most famous city on Terra, sir!" Loki said. "Can we really visit the library there? We don't have to!"

"Loki," Thor said, frowning. "Are you alright?"

"Huh?" Loki said. 

"Hmm," Thor said, thoughtfully. "Was your mother a cruel mistress?"

"I don't follow your meaning, sir?" Loki said. "Perhaps my translator has broken again?"

Thor shook his head, shrugged, and said, "Bah. It matters not. Your mother shall never capture you again, hmm? You are safe with your husband."

Loki giggled. "Alright?"

There would always be a bit of culture shock between a mortal and a god. Loki knew this in theory, but now he was beginning to understand it in practice. 

Sometimes, Thor said things that made no sense, but Loki was a good sport. He would carry on anyway, like a good virgin sacrifice. 

"I love you, Loki," Thor said, sternly wagging a finger. "Do you believe me when I say I love my husband?"

"Yessir," Loki said, nodding firmly. "I love you too, of course."

Thor laughed. "That's alright, Moonflower. You will grow to love me with time, hmm? And I will be a good husband who will persuade my spouse to love me."

Loki playfully shoved Thor on the shoulder. 

Thor was not moved by this shoving because he was a giant man, but he laughed good naturedly. 

"With time," Thor continued. "My Prince Loki will learn that he is safe. He will learn that he is loved. He will learn that he may do whatever he wishes, whenever he wishes, because he is a god."

Loki shouted, "Can I be the God of Time? Please? I'll be a good wizard, sir! I'll get better at math and I'll help you save your eye!"

"Pardon?" Thor said. 

"I promise," Loki said, persistently. "If you tell me what year you lost your eye, I'll use my magic to rescue it for you. Yes? I promise!"

"Aha," Thor said. "Why does my Loki want to rescue my eye?"

"Because I admire the good king Thomas Ganley," Loki said, persuasively. "Therefore, I aim to travel further back in time in order to rescue the eyeball that was wrongfully lost in the war with Thanos?"

That was when Thor began to cry. 

One of his eyes was fake, of course, with a prosthetic filling the eye socket where his real eye once was, but the other eye was perfectly ordinary and human.

The gods were capable of crying, it seemed, and this man was now crying like a little boy. 

"I'm so sorry, sir!" Loki said, anxiously. "I didn't mean to offend you!"

"You did not offend me, Loki!" Thor cried. "You have moved me to tears with your kindness!" 

"I beg your pardon?" Loki said, blinking. 

"Please do not travel back in time," Thor whispered. "I fear I will lose my Moonflower if he escapes into the past?"

"What do you mean, sir?" Loki said, frowning in confusion. 

"Nevermind," Thor said, hastily. "We will speak with Dr. Strange. He will explain the nature of time to you, yes? Then you will stay with your husband like a good boy?"

"I'll be a very good boy," Loki said, reassuringly. "I will speak with any doctors you'd like me to speak to, sir."

Thor nodded. 

Then he held Loki close. 

They spent one more night on Cerny's Spatial Moon Cruise, bundled together in the honeymoon suite. 

Then, the next day, Thor took Loki to Terra's New York in order to introduce him to Dr. Strange. 

It was his first time meeting another wizard.

Dr. Strange was not a Frost Giant, but he was a wizard. 

For Loki's entire life, he was the only wizard on his planet. 

Now he was encountering the only wizard on Terra, so Loki was delighted by Stephen Strange for this simple reason. 

Apparently, Dr. Strange had already met the older Loki in the very same way that Thor had already met the older Loki. 

So Dr. Strange was also delighted by Loki. 

And Loki was pleased to know that he had a bright future ahead of him. 

Chapter Text

When America finally found her godfather, she immediately knew that he was the right Loki. 

She knew because his hair was red. 

The Loki that loved her was always a red head. He looked like an ordinary thirty year old, but whenever Loki's hair was red, he loved her. He didn't always recognize her as soon as he saw her, but he always loved her. 

Today, Loki was wearing a brown tweed jacket and soft looking khaki pants. He was also wearing a bow tie, a sweater vest under the tweed jacket which had been layered over a white button up shirt, and an arm full of books which he carried with him while walking down the hallway of the college building they were in. 

America knew Loki wore so many layers because he was always cold. She didn't know why he was always cold, but she knew enough to know that it sort of had something to do with his alien biology. 

Dr. Strange had told her Loki was a professor teaching Greek Mythology, so America said, "I need Artemis Loki Ferris, sir! Can you help me find the god of the moon known as Artemis Loki Ferris, sir?"

Loki blinked at her in surprise and dropped his books. 

Dr. Strange also frowned at America, but he didn't comment. 

There were a lot of students walking around on their way to their own classes, but America ignored them and got down on her knees. 

"I seek the god of the moon!" America said, cheerfully. "I need his help with a dire quest?"

"My goodness," Loki said, laughing. "Please stand up? You'll stain your pants, miss."

Like a good goddaughter, America stood back up and grinned at him. 

"Are you alright, young lady?" Loki said. "You don't look old enough to be a college student?"

America nodded, chuckled nervously, and said, "I'm seventeen, sir. I, um, my godfather brought me to this university so I could take a look at the college I'll be attending next year."

Dr. Strange didn't disagree with her, so America knew she had definitely found the right magician to help her rescue the eldest Loki. 

"That is very good, ma'am," Loki said, nodding in approval. "This is a good university. You won't regret picking this school."

Before America could reply to this a blonde woman was kneeling down to pick up the books that Loki had dropped. 

"Don't forget your books, sir," the blonde woman said, breathlessly. "Can I carry them for you, sir?"

She stood back up and hugged Loki's books to her chest. 

Loki frowned at her. "No thank you, Miss Stacy. You'll be late for class."

"I'll carry them for him!" America said, eager to be helpful. "Can I carry your books for you, professor?"

Dr. Strange was a silent observer today. He was carefully studying Loki. 

"That's alright," Loki said, chuckling nervously. "I'm a big boy. I can carry my own books?"

"Be polite," Dr. Strange said, sternly. "Allow the girl to carry your books."

Loki huffed, frowned at Strange, then shrugged. 

Begrudgingly, the blonde woman gave America the books that she had picked up for Loki. 

She was scowling at America. 

Must be one of Loki's students, America thought, gleefully hugging Loki's books to her chest in the same way that the blonde woman had just done. 

It was her subtle way of bragging.

The blonde woman noticed. She looked like she wanted to strangle America with her long blonde hair.

It was all America could to do restrain herself against laughing in the blonde woman's face.  

"You'll be late for class, Miss Stacy," Loki said, disapprovingly. "Professor Xavier will never forgive me if you miss another one of his classes. Go on. Be a good student."

"Can I visit your office after class, sir?" Stacy said. "Please?"

"Yes, you may," Loki said. "After class. Strictly speaking, you cannot visit my office if you have a class, Stacy!"

"Okay!" Stacy said. "I'm going!"

She stomped off in a huff. 

America chuckled. 

It was obvious to her that Loki's student was one of his fangirls. 

Just like it was obvious that Loki had no idea who America was. 

That's okay, America thought. I'll re-introduce myself to my godfather and then I'll save him from Thanos and Hela. 

The young woman was Hispanic and her godfather was Caucasian, so Loki wondered if she was an orphan that the man had adopted. 

America Chavez had introduced herself like a woman who was eager to network. She was a little social climber, so Loki politely described the university curriculum and aimed to help her select a field of study. 

"I want to study Norse Mythology," America declared, with confidence. "I want to get a PHD in Norse Mythology."

Loki nervously glanced at her godfather to see if the man would disapprove of this idea. 

Most humans would prefer their children to study lucrative fields like medicine, engineering, or computer science. They favored the STEM subjects over the Humanities. 

"This man is teaching Greek Mythology," the man, who had simply introduced himself as a doctor, said to his goddaughter. "You can trust him to help you learn about all of the pantheons."

Loki blinked at the doctor in surprise. 

Then he realized he was looking at Dr. Strange, the most famous doctor in New York. 

Of course, Loki thought. This man is the man who specializes in time travel and intergalactic relations. He knows me well because I'm an alien to this planet, so he studied me to make sure I wouldn't harm any humans. 

"Isn't that right, professor?" Dr. Strange said. "You have extensively studied every polytheistic pantheon?"

"Yes," Loki said, nodding carefully. "I even made a study of the monotheistic religions. At the end of the day, their name is a misnomer. The monotheistic religions are just the same as the pagan religions. They only pretend that their numerous gods are saints, instead of gods."

America laughed. "You're totally right, sir!" 

Loki smiled at the girl. "Are you quite certain you would like to major in religious studies? There are a lot of fields you could explore first? When you begin your freshman year of college, you'll need to start with a general education. While you take these general classes, you might discover a field that you prefer."

"Nope!" America said, as cheerfully as a mall Santa. "I know exactly what I want, sir! I wanna be a religious studies major!"

It had been eons since Loki had met a student who was willing to be a religious studies major. 

Normally, his classes were simply an elective that the students of New York begrudgingly tolerated. They would select his classes because they assumed he would give them an easy A. They simply needed an elective and thought any old elective would do. 

"Sir?" America said. "Are you alright?"

Loki was simply sitting there, blinking at her. 

"Pardon?" Loki said. 

"Are you alright, sir?" America said, softly. "Are you sad today?"

Loki shook off his befuddlement and smiled at the girl. 

"I'm in a very good mood today," Loki said, reassuringly. "Not to worry. I'll help you with your studies when you begin your classes. College freshmen don't usually enroll in my classes, but you will be granted permission to take Introduction to Greek Mythology if you would like? You can enroll in that class for your first semester, as well as the other general courses you will be required to take?"

"That sounds awesome, sir!" America said. "Please be my mentor? I'm definitely going to enroll in classes as soon as the next semester starts!"

"Very good," Loki said, nodding absent mindedly. 

He was already thinking ahead to the lesson plan he wanted to curate for this bright young student's first semester. He knew he would be able to persuade Professor Xavier to include a few Greek myths in his Astronomy lessons and he knew he would be able to persuade Professor Logan to focus on the Roman Empire in next semester's History course if he simply bothered them with enough persistence. 

These were the thoughts Loki was thinking when Dr. Strange abruptly announced, "You need to learn Mind Magic, Loki."

"I beg your pardon, sir?" Loki said, tilting his head.

"Mind Magic," Dr. Strange repeated. "You've lived a sheltered life. So you never learned how to shield your thoughts from other wizards. I've been freely reading your mind since I stepped foot on this university."

Loki laughed. "You're pulling my leg?"

"He isn't, sir!" America said, urgently. "Dr. Strange is a mind reader, sir! He has an ancient copy of the original Darkhold!"

Loki blinked in surprise. 

"Oh?" Loki said, anxiously. "The Allfather has forbidden wizards from reading the Darkhold."

"Yes," Dr. Strange said. "I'm not Asgardian, so I ignored his rule."

"Hmm," Loki said. "I'm not Asgardian either, but I was told Asgard would smite me if I broke the Allfather's rules?"

"No one will smite you, sir," America said, reassuringly. "Dr. Strange is the most powerful wizard on Terra. He'll protect you from Thanos!"

"Thanos?" Loki said. "I thought that war mongering imperialist had died when Iron Man gave up his life for our sins?"

"No, no," America said. "Iron Man is still alive and so is Thanos."

"I beg your bloody pardon?" Loki said, impatiently. "What on Earth are you talking about?"

"Time travel," Dr. Strange said, flatly. "I'm a Time Lord."

"I know that!" Loki said. "But I've never dabbled in Time Magic! It was forbidden!"

"I fucking know that!" Dr. Strange said. "But now you're about to be thrust into a war with Thanos! You need to learn Mind Magic in order to protect yourself from hypnosis! You need to learn Time Magic in order to protect yourself from kidnappers!"

"Who the hell would want to kidnap and hypnotize me?" Loki said, angrily standing up from his desk. "You've decided to use your goddaughter against me, doctor? That is a very dirty move! I will not allow you to trick me! Nor will I allow you to train your goddaughter as a child soldier!" 

"I won't be a child soldier, sir!" America said, hastily. "Dr. Strange isn't like Magneto! He's like Professor X!"

Loki blinked at her. "You know of the war with Magneto?"

"Yessir!" America said. "And I'm a mutant who was naturally born with the ability to teleport through time and space! I got lost in the multi-verse, but this man here was kind enough to rescue me!"

Loki sat back down. "Oh."

Dr. Strange huffed. "At least you've already begun shielding your thoughts."

"Have I?" Loki said. "When did I do that?"

"It must be instinctual," Dr. Strange said. "You shield your thoughts without thinking about it. Perhaps because your people were persecuted." 

Loki scoffed. "The Vanir were not persecuted! We were simply misunderstood by frightened humans!"

"It's the same thing, sir!" America said. "And now history is repeating itself! That's why Americans keep attacking mutants, sir!"

"I know that!" Loki said. "Very bloody well. You are not a college student, you are a mutant seeking shelter? Go and bother Professor Xavier!"

"No, sir!" America said. "I need to learn about the Greek Pantheon! We need to save you from Dionysus!" 

"What?!" Loki said. "Why would Dionysus be a concern? That man is simply a hedonist who enjoys his wine and his orgies on his own sinful planet. He does not bother us and we do not bother him!"

"He's going to kidnap you, Loki!" Dr. Strange shouted, angrily. "You need to learn Mind Magic and Time Magic or else the Grandmaster will kidnap you!"

"Have you gone insane, sir?" Loki said, sneering at Dr. Strange. "Everyone knows the Allfather would severely punish Dionysus if he ever dared kidnap a Midgardian citizen."

"But you aren't a citizen, sir!" America said, fearfully. 

"I was granted citizenship when I moved here!" Loki said, hotly. "Therefore, Dionysus is forbidden from kidnapping me!"

"It doesn't fucking matter, Loki!" Dr. Strange screamed, furiously. "You think the Allfather gives a good goddamn if one of his sons decides to break the law? He doesn't give a fuck!" 

"Blasphemy!" Loki shrieked, irrationally. 

He knew full well he was being irrational, but the old laws had been pounded into his head with whips and paddles. 

Dr. Strange stood up and shouted, "Who fucking whipped you, Loki?!"

"It doesn't bloody matter!" Loki screamed. "Sit back down, you fool! Stop reading my mind!"

"I can't turn it off, Loki!" Dr. Strange yelled. "I learned how to read minds last fucking week! I haven't figured out how to turn it back off!"

"Consult Professor X!" Loki shrieked. "Right bloody now! Get out of my office, get out of my mind, and get the hell away from me!"

"No!" Dr. Strange bellowed. "I will not do that, Gelid!" 

Loki blinked. 

It had been eons since he had heard his birth name. 

He thought he had left his ice name behind on the ice planet. 

"Listen carefully," Dr. Strange said, calmly. "I know you well, Gelid Cozen Hawtrey. I know you better than you know yourself, do you hear me?"

"No!" Loki cried. "I do not hear you! How dare you use my true name against me?!"

America Chavez stood up.

"My true name is America Chavez Gomez Addams Loki!" She cried, tearfully. "I declare Gelid Cozen Hawtrey Loki to be my godfather, my kin, my shield brother, and my cousin!"

Loki gasped. 

Then he said, "Protect me from your father, sister! He is being a naughty wizard! He is reading my mind without my consent!"

"Yessir!" America said, dutifully. "I will protect you like a good shield sister!"

"Wait!" Dr. Strange said. 

But America did not wait. 

She ushered her godfather out of Loki's office. 

Then Loki teleported elsewhere, to escape from the naughty mind reader. 

Chapter Text

Thor Odinson was a stupid man. Stephen knew full well he was a stupid man, but he also knew that Thor was the most powerful alien that was currently standing on Earth. 

When Thor came into his office with his brother, Stephen sighed and asked them what they wanted. 

Thor laughed, cheerfully, and said, "I only aim to introduce my Loki to Dr. Stephen Strange."

He looked at Loki and continued, "Dr. Strange is the most powerful wizard on Earth, Moonflower. He can be trusted to know all there is to know about Midgard's people, Terra's magic, and the ways of the world walkers."

Stephen resisted the urge to roll his eyes. 

He figured Loki was playing at amnesia again. 

It wouldn't be the first time. 

Loki gave Stephen a polite smile, but didn't say anything. 

"What do you need, Thor?" Stephen said, warily. "Apart from making introductions, why are you here?"

"My Loki would like to seek out a library," Thor said, grinning at his brother. "Isn't that right, Moonflower?"

"Yessir," Loki said, chuckling. "I need a library."

"That's fine," Stephen said. "You can read whatever books you find here. I won't bother to say that some of them are forbidden or that some of them are evil. We're all adults here, aren't we?"

Loki beamed at him. "Yessir!"

Then Loki disappeared with the usual flash of green light. 

"Thank you, Strange!" Thor said. "You will not regret giving my Loki access to your library! You will not regret it!"

"Alright?" Stephen said. "Would you pipe down?"

The Norse brothers had arrived while he was attempting to translate a particularly tricky page in the Darkhold.

He simply wanted to get back to his translation attempt. 

But it looked like Thor was also in a hurry to leave. The man only said, "Please be kind to Loki. Loki is thirty years old today."

Stephen allowed himself to roll his eyes, this time. 

Thor laughed, then left the office. 

Loki knew that the True God was as changeable as the wind. The eldest variant was a master shapeshifter, a wise mage, and an omnipotent mind reader who could be trusted to wield his power benevolently. 

In the past, the True God had named himself Heimdall, but Loki knew enough to know that the new Heimdall who currently stood guard over Asgard's Bifrost was not the eldest man in the universe. 

He was simply one of the True God's numerous sons and had dutifully appointed himself as this century's Black Jesus. 

However, in order to speak with the True God, one simply needed to ask Black Jesus for a séance. 

With this in mind, Loki teleported to Asgard and stood on the Bifrost in order to speak with Heimdall's eldest son. 

"Hello, Xodó Černý," Heimdall's eldest son said, in a friendly manner. 

He was a tall black man with a handsome smile. 

"H-Hello, sire," Loki said, cautiously. "May I have a séance with your father?"

"I apologize, Cozen," Heimdall's eldest son said, tilting his head while continuing to smile. "My blood father languishes on Valhalla."

"What?!" Loki said. "Who trapped him on Valhalla?"

Heimdall's eldest son laughed, then proudly thumped himself on the chest.

"You deposed the True God?!" Loki said, incredulously. "Why would you do such a thing, sire?"

"He was a Titan," Heimdall's eldest son said, shrugging. "I would not allow him to enjoy his war mongering."

"I understand, sire," Loki said, quietly. "However, I seek his wisdom? May I have a séance without... erm... without disturbing the universe?"

Heimdall's eldest son frowned, thoughtfully, and said, "Perhaps I can be of assistance in my father's place?"

"I apologize, sire," Loki said, shaking his head. "But I'm afraid I need an elder man's assistance?"

"Oh?" Heimdall's eldest son said. "How old are you, Gelid?"

"I've just turned two hundred and fifty eight," Loki said, apologetically. "I fear I've gotten too big for my breeches? The humans are treating me like a little blood sacrifice?"

"Aha," Heimdall's eldest son said. "They're afraid of you?"

"No, sire," Loki said, sighing balefully. "It is the other way around."

"Hmm," Heimdall's eldest son said. "I would not seek my father in that case, Hawtrey."

"Then who should I seek?" Loki said, plaintively. "Are there none here on Asgard that would act as my elder?"

"There are two," Heimdall's eldest son said, nodding firmly. "There is Pan and there is Cthulhu."

"Aha!" Loki said. "Might I request their aid? Sanctuary and hearth? I vow to conduct myself as a dutiful nephew, a humble house elf, and a useful genie?"

"No, no," Heimdall's eldest son said, quickly. "My father is trapped in his death, little dragon. You don't need to worry about the old paddle."

Loki blinked in confusion. "I beg your pardon?"

That was when Pan- the God of Nature-, and Cthulhu- the God of Beasts- both materialized on either side of Heimdall's eldest son.

Loki recognized Pan. The god always chose to present himself with the same adolescent face and short stature. 

However, he did not recognize Cthulhu. 

Today, Cthulhu had chosen to dress himself as a thirty year old Korean American. He looked like an ordinary human and a humble Midgardian. 

"Did someone ask for Cthulhu?" the Korean American said, while adjusting the round spectacles that sat upon his nose. "Or am I in the wrong time and place?"

"You are in the correct place, sire!" Loki said. 

He hastily knelt down on the ground and bowed his head. 

Pan was the smallest man among the four of them, but he was certainly the eldest. He sighed and said, "Why are you kneeling, Wednesday Addams?"

"I am not a wednesday!" Loki said, urgently. "I am a humble junebug!"

"What the bloody hell did you do to my Cozen, Blaise?" the Korean American said. 

Loki glanced up and witnessed the God of Beasts smack the True God's eldest son on the shoulder. 

He was frozen in shock, at this point, and could only kneel there and watch as the three gods began to bicker amongst themselves. 

"I only told him that my father was gone!" Heimdall's eldest son said, defensively. "I thought he would be relieved!"

"You frightened him!" the Korean American said. "Look at him! You scared the living daylights out of him!"

Loki frowned.

"Calm down," Pan said. 

Pan was a tiny little man, compared to Heimdall's eldest son- who was the tallest- and Cthulhu's Midgardian disguise- who was an exact medium between the other two men. 

Have I accidentally stumbled upon this century's Big Three? Loki thought, gasping. How dare I show my ugly face in their hallowed halls!

He was prepared to flee for his life, but then Pan knelt down in front of Loki and said, "Please don't run away, Loki? I missed you."

"P-Pardon?" Loki said. 

"Loki Gelid Cozen," Pan said, softly. "Won't you give your nephew a hug? I've missed you for decades."

"Wh-when did we meet?" Loki said, frowning thoughtfully. 

Pan had the familiar smile of a famous person, but Loki could not recount an actual interaction between himself and the renowned God of Nature. 

"May I give you my true name, Gelid?" Pan said. "Please?"

The Korean American who stood behind him scowled. "No! I want to go first!"

Pan sighed. 

"Pardon?" Loki said. 

The Korean man knelt down beside Loki and Pan and held his left hand toward Loki. 

"Take my hand, Five?" the Korean American said. "Please?"

Dutifully, Loki grasped the godly man's hand and intertwined their fingers. 

The Korean man grinned, approvingly, and then cleared his throat. 

"My name is Joon Cthulhu Byun," the Korean American said. "I declare myself your Cozen, your elm tree, and the man who will guard your hearth."

"Wh-what?" Loki said. 

"I'm Peter Panson Parker!" Pan said, hastily. "I declare myself your Cozen, your moon tree, and the man who will guard your heart!"

Loki did not know how to respond to this. 

"I'm Allie Alacrán Zabini!" Heimdall's eldest son shouted. "I declare myself your Cozen, your oak tree, and the man who will protect you from the humans!"

Then the God of Beasts used his magic to pull Loki through a portal.

They landed in a small wooden cabin. 

"I'm so sorry, sir," Joon Cthulhu Byun said. "I know it's very rude to kidnap people, but I had to get you away from the other gods! They were about to start a second war!"

"A war?" Loki said, humbly lowering his head. "Why do the gods fight each other?"

"There has been a coup," Joon Cthulhu Byun said. "Please don't accuse me of naiveté, sir! I may be younger than you, but you can trust me to be as powerful as my name suggests! I'm not as old as you, but I'm not a sapling!"

Loki looked back up. "Beg pardon?"

"I'm so sorry, sir!" Joon Cthulhu Byun said. "By the rules of magic, you are the last man standing! You are the eldest man who is currently alive!"

"What?!" Loki said, affronted by the very suggestion. "That cannot be! There are many gods who are my elder!"

"Not anymore!" Joon Cthulhu Byun said, urgently. "Me and my brothers banded together to kill those fuckers!"

"When did you do this, sire?!" Loki said. 

"Just now!" Joon Cthulhu Byun said, tearfully. "Minutes before you arrived on the Bifrost! The younger gods think you're the True God because you arrived right after we killed the Titans!"

"But the Titans cannot be killed, sir!" Loki said, angrily stomping his foot like a child that had just been told Saint Nick was dead. "They are Eternal! They are immortal! They can only be temporarily trapped on planets that the other aliens have named Hades, Valhalla, Heaven, or Pluto!" 

"We blew them up, Ezra!" Joon Cthulhu Byun screamed, in frustration. "We built a motherfucking Death Star and we nuked the fuck out of the hedonistic slave planets!"

"Why the bloody hell would you do that?!" Loki said, gasping. "You'll anger the gods, boy! They'll smite you!"

"There's no one left to smite us, sir!" Joon Cthulhu Byun shrieked, throwing his hands up.

"Then you have to slay me too!" Loki shouted, with desperate urgency. "Hurry up and kill me! Else the younger gods will attack you and your shield brothers!"

"No!" Joon Cthulhu Byun yelled, with tears streaming down his face. "I'm in love with you, Ezra Ferris Hawtrey! I've loved you for decades!"

That was the last thing Loki expected to hear. 

He simply stood there in shock. 

"I'm so sorry, sir!" Joon Cthulhu Byun cried. "I know you don't recognize me anymore, but please don't teleport! I promise to love you unrequitedly!" 

"I'm so bloody confused, boy!" Loki shouted. "What the hell has happened today?!"

"You're the God of Time, sir!" Joon Cthulhu Byun said, with the air of a man who was desperate to be heard. "Please don't teleport! I promise not to violate you!"

"Wait!" Loki said, as calmly as he was able. "Wait a moment!" 

He covered his face with his hands and firmly told himself he was too old to cry like a useless little boy. 

"May I hug you, sir?" Joon Cthulhu Byun said, softly. "May I protect you from the other gods?"

"No!" Loki said, lowering his hands to glare at the God of Beasts. "You may not!" 

Then he teleported. 

He decided to return to Dr. Strange and America Chavez Gomez Addams. 

It was clear to him that the two of them were Oracles. 

Therefore, he ought to put himself into their service and do whatever they asked of him. 

However, when he arrived at the office he had previously teleported away from Loki was confronted with a civil war between the professors who worked at Charles Xavier's University for Exceptional Minds. 

On one side, Magneto and Dr. Strange were leading their mutants against Professor X and Iron Man. 

On the other side, Captain America and Captain Marvel were attempting to gently guide away every civilian that had been caught in the crossfire. 

Loki himself was targeted as a super villain as soon as the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents on the scene spotted a glimpse of him, so Loki decided to teleport to Greenland. 

When he arrived in Greenland, he encountered yet another war. This one appeared to be a civil war between witches and wizards. A classic battle of the sexes. 

So Loki teleported to Canada, but was confronted by a human war between the United States of America, who wanted to forcefully adopt Canada as its 51st State, and the Canadians who refused to be swallowed by the Imperialist U.S.A.

For three weeks, Loki encountered conflicts of this nature everywhere he went. 

Then he ran out of magic, fainted, and was gone. 

Right after Thor left, Loki rematerialized in Stephen's office. 

He simply fell out of a blue portal that had opened on the ceiling. He landed on the floor, unconscious, and looked like a man that had just been through a bloody war. 

His clothing had been singed by fire, stained by blood, and otherwise ripped and torn in several places. 

He was bleeding out of a large gash on his head and he had several stab wounds on his back and on his chest. 

He was also missing a pinky finger. 

Stephen calmly took note of these details, then used his magic to teleport the injured man to the nearest hospital. 

At the hospital, the nurses asked him to identify the injured man, so Stephen shrugged and said, "Thomas Ganley."

It was an impulsive decision. He knew it wouldn't have gone over well if he'd said Loki Odinson, so he simply used the name that Loki had used to address Thor right before he'd left during one of his tantrums. 

Loki and Thor were always bickering like old wives. Then Loki would leave, Thor would cry, and Loki would eventually come back while pretending he had amnesia or that he had been reincarnated. They would do this over and over again every single year, but Stephen knew better than to accuse Loki of lying. 

He would simply play along until the next fight and be relieved when Loki left again. 

Today, though, Loki was an injured man. So Stephen simply took him to a hospital, gave the nurses the name he knew Loki would recognize as being one of Thor's aliases, and then left. 

Years later, he would regret this decision. 

But on that particular day, Stephen didn't know the laws of Name Magic. 

He didn't know the mistake he had just made. 

Not yet. 

Chapter Text

When he woke up, a man that he did not recognize was quietly sitting beside the hospital bed that the humans had placed him upon.

"Thomas?" the man said. "Can you hear me?"

No, he thought. That is not my name today. 

But he did not know his own name.

I suppose Thomas will do for now, he thought, and sat up.

"My name is Arthur Ganley," the man said. "Do I look familiar at all?"

Thomas frowned. 

The man before him was a muscular red head. His arms were covered in the inked artwork of dragons from across cultures. Included in his tattoed artwork were the infamous Hydra dragons, the classic Wyvern dragons, and even an image of the serpentine Drake dragon that few humans remembered. 

I understand what must have happened, Thomas thought. The humans mistook me for a werewolf again. 

"Please," the red head said. "Do your best to concentrate? My name is Arthur. Um, my friends call me King Arthur, but that's just a joke. I'm not a king or anything. My name is Arthur Ganley."

"Aha," Thomas said, chuckling light heartedly. "Didn't I go to boarding school with a chap named Ganley?"

Ganley grinned. "Yes, you did! We both went to the same boarding school."

"I remember now," Thomas said, grinning. "Didn't that nickname start because of that silly song I wrote? Ganley is our king?"

"You remember!" Ganley said, laughing. "That's exactly right, Thomas. You were making fun of me for being such a rubbish footballer. I was meant to be the goal keeper, but I kept letting balls pass me by. You were rooting for the opposite team and you and your mates started singing Ganley is our King because your team was winning thanks to me."

"Eons ago," Thomas said, tilting his head. "How are you here in America, Ganley? Won't the Ganley Clan protest?"

"I moved here," Ganley said. "I was looking for my Merlin, you know?"

"Hah!" Thomas said. "Don't you mean your Morgana?"

Ganley smirked. "Did I stutter?"

Thomas blushed, looked away, then glanced back at the man and squinted at him. 

"Am I going mad?" Thomas said. "Or are you being queer today?"

Ganley leaned forward and lowered his voice to conspiratorially whisper, "I'm queer as folk, Merlin."

"Hah!" Thomas said. "Be serious, sir. What are you doing here? You've gotten awfully far from your hearth?"

"As I said," Ganley said, straightening himself back up with the confidence of a man in his prime. "I've decided to be queer. That's why I abandoned my hearth, you realize? My parents were prattling on about the sacred bloodline and I wasn't having it."

"Is that so?" Thomas said, giggling like a delighted schoolboy. 

"It's so," Ganley said, nodding. "Then I heard that my old college rival had gotten himself into some sort of silly car accident? Don't you know to look both ways before you cross the street, Beaufoy?"

Aha! Thomas thought. That is finally a name I recognize as belonging to me. 

Sheepishly, Thomas shrugged his shoulders. 

"Did you injure your head?" Ganley said. "Where has your coven gotten itself to?"

"Coven?" Thomas said. "Since when do I have a coven?"

"Didn't you always have a whole circle of witches nipping at your heels?" Ganley said, raising an eyebrow. "Or did your soul sisters finally get married and run away from you?"

"Hmm," Thomas said. "I suppose I've misplaced my sisters?"

"Suppose so," Ganley said. "Well, I've simply come to check in on you? The doctors have said you're healthy enough to leave, but they didn't know where to send you. Might I give you a ride on my broom?"

"Oho," Thomas said, smirking. "I'd love to ride your broom."

Ganley blushed. 

Bloody hell! Thomas thought. He really is queer!

"Ah, pardon me," Thomas said, apologetically. "I didn't mean to be a home wrecker."

"Huh?" Ganley said. 

"Bloody hell," Thomas said, rubbing his forehead. "I've simply gotten a bit lost? I'll be on my way."

"Can I please help you get home, Beaufoy?" Ganley said. "I've got one of those no-maj contraptions. Those automobiles, you know?"

"Do you?" Thomas said, delighted by the very idea. "You'll let me take a look inside?"

"You can take more than a look, chap," Ganley said. "I thought I ought to drive you to your flat?"

"Oh!" Thomas said. "Hmm. We've encountered a problem."

"Have we?" Ganley said. 

"I haven't the faintest clue where my hearth is," Thomas said, sighing. "I suppose I mistakenly obliviated myself?"

"That so?" Ganley said. "You'll need to get yourself back to Greenland?"

"Oh?" Thomas said. "Why would I need to do that?"

"To consult the fair folk on the matter?" Ganley said. "They're experts with memory magic, you know?"

"Aha!" Thomas said. "I believe I did know that, at one point, but the notion tumbled out of my cauldron."

"Don't take my bathwater," Ganley said, playfully. "But take the baby, if you would, on account of how much I hate changing nappies."

Thomas laughed. 

Gallantly, Ganley extended a hand towards him. 

"Allow me to escort you to Greenland like a knight errant?" Ganley said. "I promise to behave myself like a gentleman when I'm with the fair Prince Beaufoy."

Thomas took hold of the handsome red head's hand.

"But of course you will," Thomas said, primly. "It's only proper."

While they were leaving the human hospital, Thomas caught a glimpse of himself in a window.

He realized, with dawning horror, that his magic had run out while he'd been sleeping. 

His hair had returned to its natural white and his skin was as pale and bloodless as a walking vampire corpse. 

He expected the humans would scream and try to stab him with a stake, but none of them did. 

Instead they smiled at him and politely held doors open for him while Ganley cheerfully told stories about his adventures in America. 

"And then my mate Billy said I should mind my manners," Ganley was saying. "But I told him I was born to be a caveman, you know?"

"Pardon?" Thomas said. 

They'd finally reached Ganley's automobile. 

Ganley held the door open for Thomas and gestured towards the seat. 

Cautiously, Thomas sat down and looked around at the strange technology. 

I don't think I've ever been inside one of these before, Thomas thought. Why bother when I can simply teleport whenever I like?

"I hope you know," Ganley said. "We're quite a ways off from Greenland."

"Are we?" Thomas said. "How many ways off?"

"It'll take a few weeks to get there," Ganley said, apologetically.

"I beg your pardon?" Thomas said. "Didn't you ever learn Spatial Magic?"

"Must have neglected that class?" Ganley said, sheepishly. "Figured, why bother? I've always preferred to ride a broom."

"But you can't ride a broom in America, Ganley!" Thomas said, urgently. "The humans will shoot you with their machines! They'll kill you!"

"Not to worry," Ganley said, laughing. "That's why I got myself one of these automobiles."

"But you could have simply learned Spatial Magic?" Thomas said, grumpily. "These silly little machines are all well and good, but you can't very well cross over the ocean in one, now can you?"

"Fraid not," Ganley said. "But we could get on a boat?"

"Like a bloody pirate?" Thomas said. "I think not!"

"Hmm," Ganley said. "What should we do, then?"

"Sod it!" Thomas said. "To hell with the fair folk! Might we find Memory Magicians here in America?"

"You think there are any?" Ganley said. 

"There must be?" Thomas said. "That lot loves to roam around. There's always a few, somewhere, at least a handful?"

"But how would we contact them?" Ganley said. "D'you suppose they have a secret club?"

"Must do," Thomas said, nodding confidently. "We'll simply have to hunt them down like Salem witches."

"How d'you go about hunting witches?" Ganley said, doubtfully. 

"By dancing in the forest, Ganley!" Thomas said, impatiently. "Don't you know anything?"

"Suppose I also neglected my history lessons?" Ganley said. 

Thomas huffed. "You're lucky you're handsome, Ganley. You've nothing in that head of yours."

Ganley took his eyes off the road to grin directly at Thomas and Thomas quickly shouted, "Eyes on the witch, Ganley! You'll kill us otherwise!" 

Ganley laughed, but put his eyes back towards the road. 

Shivering, Thomas wondered if he'd survive the night. 

Probably not. 

He was stuck in America and alone with a Ganley, so he was unlikely to survive the night.  

Just as well, I suppose, Thomas thought. What do I have left to survive for, anyhow? Not a thing.

"Can I ask you something, Beaufoy?" Ganley said. 

"Yes?" Thomas said. 

"I think I might have mistaken you for one of your brothers?" Ganley said. 

"Oh?" Thomas said. "How do you mean?"

"Well," Ganley said. "You have so many brothers. I know you lot always hated it when we mistook you for each other. Did I use the wrong name when you first woke up? You frowned at me as if I'd just murdered a puppy."

"Hah!" Thomas said. "You must have done! I felt that Thomas was certainly the wrong name."

"What's the right name, then?" Ganley said.

He was still keeping his eyes on the road ahead of him, so Thomas was freely able to study the man's expression as he frowned. 

Ganley looked frustrated. 

He was trying not to show it, but it was obvious that he was going mad trying to guess at the correct name. 

Thomas was also going mad. 

"I have no bloody idea," Thomas said. "But what does it matter? Thomas is good enough."

"It matters," Ganley said, sighing. "Of course it matters!"

"We'll consult a magician," Thomas said, rolling his eyes. "We'll locate my memory and then I'll be able to tell you, yes? Until then, I might as well call myself Thomas."

"I suppose," Ganley said. "But I'll call you Beaufoy in the meantime. That alright?"

"Why wouldn't it be?" Thomas said. "It's obvious to me that I'm a Beaufoy. The name is as familiar as a worn down shoe."

"You have a lot of shoes, Beaufoy," Ganley said, tightly. 

"I beg your pardon?" Thomas said. 

Ganley shook his head, groaned, and then said, "Can I tell you something that's a bit... hmm... sordid?"

"If you must?" Thomas said. 

"The humans are having another war," Ganley confessed. "You noticed how they treated you back there? Opening doors for you and such?"

"I did notice," Thomas said, frowning down at his ugly hands. 

They were still corpse like and bloodless. 

"They're calling it the Mutant War," Ganley said. "Apparently, it's the Salem Witch Hunts all over again."

"Bloody hell!" Thomas said. "It never ends!"

Ganley stopped his automobile in front of a tiny shack. Then he turned in his seat to look Thomas in the eye. 

"I'm a bit worried, is all," Ganley said. "Some of the humans want to be nice to the fair folk. They're sympathetic. But some of them have picked up their pitch forks."

"Of bloody course they have," Thomas said, squeezing his eyes shut and rubbing at his forehead. "You're lucky you didn't get attacked just for standing next to me."

"I would have protected you," Ganley said. "Please look at me? For just a moment?"

Reluctantly, Thomas opened his eyes. 

Ganley had tears shining in his own eyes. He was doing his best to blink them away, but he was losing the battle. 

"I realize we don't know each other well," Ganley said, softly. "We were schoolmates, but we weren't even sorted into the same house. We were in the same year, but I couldn't even get your name right. I mistook you for one of your brothers. I apologize for that."

"It doesn't matter, Ganley!" Thomas shouted. "The hell does it matter what we call me? A name is just a name! It's not as if any of us pick our own birth names to begin with, is it? It's an arbitrary designation selected by the arbitrary person that arbitrarily decided to shag the first arbitrary person they fancied for one arbitrary reason or another! None of us are being held at wand point when we use a name, you realize? It's simply a name!" 

"The first person they arbitrarily fancied?" Ganley said, scoffing. "Maybe that was how it was for your parents, but mine had one of those stuffy arranged marriages."

"Boo hoo," Thomas said, sneering. "Am I meant to shed a tear for you, Ganley? Were your parents awful because they hated each other and also hated you for being the reason that they were trapped with each other? Cry me a river! I don't give a toss!"

Ganley laughed, a tad hysterically, and then said, "Give me a bloody hug, Beaufoy! I missed you!"

"Pardon?!" Thomas said, blinking at him. 

"I fucking missed you, wanker!" Ganley shouted. "Where the hell have you been hiding all these years?"

"I don't know what you mean?" Thomas said, tilting his head. "I simply escaped to America as soon as I was of age? I wasn't about to allow my parents to force me onto the Witches Coven."

"Aha!" Ganley said. "So your memory is returning, is it? Or are you pranking me?"

Thomas frowned. "I haven't a clue, Ganley! Do I look like a professor to you? I'm an ordinary mage!"

"That's alright," Ganley said, sniffing. "I'm also an ordinary mage. Will you be my Merlin anyway? I'll be your Morgana."

"No, I won't be your Merlin!" Thomas said. "Have you lost your bloody mind?"

"Yes, I have, Beaufoy!" Ganley said. "I've lost my bloody mind! Let me bite you!"

"No sir!" Thomas said. "You just said the Vampire Hunt has started up again! If you bite me, you'll be killed!"

"No sir!" Ganley said. "I'm a motherfucking Dragon Rider!"

"What?!" Thomas said, incredulously. "Since when have you tamed the dragons?"

"Since you've been gone!" Ganley cried. "I tamed the dragons while I was searching for you, Beaufoy!"

"Why the bloody hell were you searching for me?" Thomas said, baffled by the very notion. 

"Because I fell in love with you while we were at boarding school, you fucking prat!" Ganley said. "But your name was Duro Gelid Beaufoy back then! Not Thomas Ganley!"

Gelid gasped. 

My true name! Gelid thought. Where the hell did I put that bloody thing? It's been missing for eons!

Then a large blonde Viking of a man with a glowing hammer smashed through the windshield of Ganley's automobile, grabbed Gelid by an elbow, and roughly yanked him away from the red headed Arthur Ganley. 

"I will not allow you to eat my Moonflower!" the blonde Viking shouted. "He is not your meal, werewolf!" 

"Wait!" Ganley screamed. "I'm not a werewolf, Thor! I'm an Arthurian knight!" 

But it was too late. 

The Viking threw Gelid over his shoulder like a caveman and used his Spatial Magic to teleport elsewhere. 

On the other side of the portal, they landed in a familiar green meadow. 

Then the Viking knelt on the ground and gently put Gelid down. 

As soon as he touched the grass, Gelid rolled away from the man and stood up. 

He tried to put his arms up in front of himself, defensively, but the blonde man was so much bigger than him. 

Gelid knew it was a moot point. 

"I am very sorry for being rude," the blonde man said, nervously. "I lost my temper. I'm very very sorry."

He remained knelt on the ground and looked up at Gelid like some kind of worshipper. 

It was unsettling. 

"What the bloody hell!" Gelid shouted. "The hell is wrong with you, you giant Viking!"

"I love you!" the blonde man shouted, with tears streaming down his face. "Please do not teleport, Loki! I love you!"

That is the wrong name! Gelid thought. 

He teleported. 

Instinctively, he landed atop the Statue of Liberty. 

"Gelid?" a Hispanic woman said. "Is that you?"

The correct name! Gelid thought, with relief. This woman must be a shield sister!

"Yes ma'am!" Gelid said. "I am Gelid!" 

The Hispanic woman smiled at him. 

"I'm America," she said, gently. 

"Hello!" Gelid said, stupidly. "I'm Gelid!"

"I know?" America said, tilting her head. "Are you feeling okay, Gelid?"

"No, ma'am!" Gelid said, in a tearful panic. "I was accosted by a Viking!"

"Oh my good golly gosh," America said, laughing. "Por qué?"

"I have no bloody idea, America!" Gelid said. "No pasa nada?"

The young woman giggled as if Gelid had just told an astounding joke. 

He grinned at her, relieved, and then he cautiously glanced around. 

They were surrounded by tourists, but none of the people were holding pitch forks. 

None of the humans looked alarmed to see a blue man with Spatial Magic. 

"Are you lost, Gelid?" America said, politely. 

"Yes, ma'am!" Gelid said, anxiously. "I seem to have misplaced my memories?"

"Hmm," America said. "We'll get to the bottom of this. Don't you worry, sir. We simply need to find ourselves a mage?"

"That's exactly right, America," Gelid said, nodding as calmly as he was able. "We simply need to find a mage."

"I can help you find one, if you'd like?" America said, extending her hand towards him. 

Eager to tie himself to a shield sister, Gelid took the woman's hand. 

She was shorter than him, which was good, because it meant she wouldn't be able to pin him down. 

She was calmer than him, which was good, because it meant he didn't need to worry about frightening her. 

Gently as a priest, America led him toward one of those strange boxes that would carry them downwards. 

The other humans in the downward box smiled at America, then smiled at Gelid. 

He tried his best to keep control of his breathing. 

I must look as ugly as a rotting corpse, Gelid thought. But once I locate my Beauty Magic I'll be able to fix myself again. I'll look like an ordinary man and the angry mob will put down their pitch forks. 

Normally, his Beauty Magic would have been within easy reach.

However, today, the only magic that was within easy reach was Spatial Magic. 

This is very odd, Gelid thought. But once we find an elder mage, the mage will help us get to the bottom of this. 

And so, that was the day Duro Gelid Beaufoy met Doctor Stephen Strange. 

It was also the day Arthur Ganley renewed his quest to rescue his Merlin, the day Thor Odinson failed to save his Loki, and the day America Chavez succeeded in helping her Gelid. 

The rest is history. 

Chapter Text

"You will marry my son," Zeus demanded. "You must marry my son, djinn!"

"Why the hell do you want me to marry your son?" Loki said, incredulously. "I'm a Norse godling! Your son is the mighty Prince Heracles, so why the hell-"

"I've renamed him," Zeus said, sternly. "From this day on, he is Odin."

"Very well?" Loki said. "Has your son broken a law?"

"No!" Zeus said. "I would reward him with a beautiful bride!"

"Then you should find him a beautiful bride!" Loki said, hotly. "I am not a beautiful bride, Zeus! I am a prince errant!"

"You may carry on disguising yourself as a man," Zeus said, with the air of a man who thought he was being gracious. "My Heracles has decided to be queer. Therefore, he will enjoy a man with a cunt."

"Bugger off!" Loki shrieked. "I will not marry your son!"

Then he teleported. 

Thor was pleasantly surprised when his favored shield brother teleported into his bedchamber. 

"Your father is a naughty man!" Loki shrieked. "I will kill your father!"

"Aye!" Thor said, gleefully. "Shall I depose my naughty father for you, Loki? I will throw him towards Valhalla to punish him for disrespecting my prince errant?"

"Yes, nephew!" Loki said, laughing maniacally. "That is exactly what you must do! I rename you Odin and I will grant you a throne if you would only depose your evil father!"

"Aye aye!" Thor said. "You are my king and I am your pirate!"

"Good boy!" Loki said. "I will give you a kiss for being such a good boy!"

Eagerly, Thor knelt down so Loki would easily be able to reach his forehead. 

Loki gave Thor a gentle kiss on his forehead. 

"Go and slay your father, Odin," Loki commanded. "If you fail to kill your father? You will never see me again!"

"Aye!" Thor said. "I will kill Jupiter and he shall never return to hound my beautiful prince errant!" 

"Good boy!" Loki said, grinning widely. "Go on, now! Be a good boy!"

Eager to win himself another kiss, Thor picked up his magical sword and ran off to murder the hell out of his birth father. 

He never loved his birth father anyway. 

"You must marry my son!" Allmother screamed. 

"I will not marry your son!" Loki shouted. 

"But my sweet Apollo is in love with you, djinn!" Allmother yelled. "My darling little boy weeps when you run away from him!"

"Let him weep!" Loki shrieked. 

"You are a naughty djinn!" Allmother bellowed. "I will punish you for refusing my son's hand in marriage!"

Then Thor himself barreled into the room and screamed, "No you will not, Mother! You will not punish my Loki!"

"But this naughty djinn is breaking your heart, honeybee!" Allmother cried. "I will not allow him to run away from my beautiful Apollo!"

Then the silly woman was sobbing as dramatically as she was able. 

Loki rolled his eyes. 

"I am not Apollo, Mother!" Thor said. "Loki renamed me Odin!"

"Then he must marry you!" Allmother sobbed. "How dare he rename my son without marrying my son?!"

"Very well!" Loki shouted. "I will allow you to sign my name on a human marriage license, but I will not consummate the marriage!"

"You don't have to do that, my prince," Thor said, while gallantly extending a hand toward Loki. "Let us be brothers instead? Shield brothers and blood brothers?"

"Oh?" Loki said. "You would have me as your brother?"

"Aye!" Thor said. "I will use a small knife to open my palm. If you would do me the kindness of opening your own palm we might bind ourselves together as blood brothers?"

Loki grinned. "I would love to be your blood brother, King Odin."

"Very good!" Allmother said. "You must marry my son!"

"It will not be called a marriage, Mother," Thor told his mother, with the patient air of a young man who was speaking to a senile old woman. "We cannot allow the humans to mistake my handsome prince for a queer man. They would throw him into the Great Lake or string him up in a tree if they mistook my prince for queer."

"That is exactly right, nephew!" Loki said, nodding firmly. "Therefore, you must not call me your wife!"

"Aye!" Thor said. "I will call you my brother instead and I will keep you safe, Loki!"

"Very good," Loki cooed. "I will give you a kiss for being such a good brother."

Thor grinned, blushed furiously, and politely bent down so that Loki could easily reach his forehead. 

Then they completed the Greek marriage ceremony by opening their palms and intermingling their blood.  

The Allmother was satisfied with this, so she finally left them alone. 

"Loki?" Thor said. "Are you alright?"

Loki was reading a book while sitting in the garden. 

"Hmm?" Loki said, absent mindedly. 

"My Lady Loki is a bit pale today?" Thor said, anxiously. 

Loki glanced up. "Pardon?"

"I apologize," Thor said. "Are you not Lady Loki today?"

"I'm Lady Loki everyday," Loki said, rolling his eyes. "What do you want from me, brother?"

"I seek my Prince Loki?" Thor said, with the air of a man who feared a sword to the chest. "Will you please grant me une séance de cinéma?" 

"A séance?" Loki said. "Who has died?"

"Prince Loki!" Thor shouted. 

"I beg your bloody pardon?" Loki said. "I'm right here?"

"Good!" Thor said. "Do not jump off any bridges, brother!" 

"When the hell did I jump off a bridge?" Loki said, incredulously. 

"Ah," Thor said, looking confused. "I fear I have lost my mind?"

"Is that so?" Loki said. 

"Yes, sire!" Thor said. "Would my Uncle Loki help me locate my mind?"

Loki huffed. "Consult your mother, you silly boy!"

That is when Thor began to weep rather dramatically. 

Alarmed by the odd behavior, Loki dropped his book and stood up. 

"What is the matter, son?" Loki said, urgently. "Who has died?"

"The Allmother is dead, Loki!" Thor cried. 

"No!" Loki shouted. "That cannot be! She is Eternal!"

"She is not Eternal, Loki!" Thor sobbed. "She has died!"

"No!" Loki shrieked. "That cannot be!"

"It is so, brother!" Thor was crying more than Loki had ever before seen the man cry. He openly stood there weeping as big fat tears streamed down his face. "My mother will never return to us, Loki! The Allmother has traveled to Valhalla!"

"I will avenge her death!" Loki shrieked. 

"No!" Thor cried. "You will die, Loki! She was slain by Thanos!"

"I will kill Thanos!" Loki bellowed, at the top of his lungs. 

"No you will not!" Thor bellowed back, like a man who had lost his hearth, his mind, and his favored mother. "You will only die while attempting to avenge her death, Loki!"

"Then I will die avenging the death of the Allmother!" Loki shrieked. 

"No!" Thor sobbed. 

"Yes!" Loki cried. 

Then he used his magic to locate the war mongering imperialist known across the universe as Thanos. 

Because Loki had battled Thanos many times before, over the eons, he was easily able to locate the large purple alien. 

But killing the brute would be another matter. 

"I will help you, brother!" Hela Pluto Hades screamed, as soon as Loki arrived on the war planet that Thanos held dominion over. "I will help you kill Thanos!"

"Thank you, sister!" Loki shouted. "We must gather as many Valkyrie as possible!" 

"Aye!" Hela Pluto Hades shrieked. "I have already gathered five hundred loyal Valkyrie! We have all vowed to avenge the Allmother's death!" 

"Very good, niece!" Loki yelled, triumphantly. "We will battle to avenge her death or else die trying!"

"Yes, sire!" Hela Pluto Hades shouted, just as triumphantly. "Thanos will rue the day he trifled with our Allmother!"

"Aye!" Loki screamed. "I vow to be a good shield brother!"

"I vow to be a blood thirsty shield sister!" Hela shrieked. "I will lead the Valkyrie army as their queen and you shall be my king!"

"Aye!" Loki bellowed. "I will be the Valkyrie King!"

"I love you, Moonlight," Hela said, softly as a whispering wind. "Will you bind your blood magic to mine and become my husband?"

"Yes," Loki said, breathlessly. "I will do so. Happily. Please bite me, Hela Lokisdottir. I will teach you all that I know and protect you from Thanos."

Savage as a beautiful vampire, Hela sprang forward to bite Loki on his neck.

She gulped down his blood and gained more strength and magic. 

This boost of strength would help her survive the war with Thanos. 

Loki did not want his favored Valkyrie to lose her life in the coming war, so he made sure to bite her as well.

As soon as they were done drinking, they joyfully embraced. 

With this done, the two of them were now married. 

After they killed Thanos, the universe fell into chaos. 

The wizards claimed it was Loki who had broken the space time continuum. They told him he was an evil dark elf and that he must be sent back to the middle ages. 

Loki did not care a wit. He allowed them to send him to the middle ages with their Time Magic. 

His only request was that they send him with his shield sister, Hela Lokisdottir. 

They granted his wish. 

The death of Duro Peña Černý was a cinematic masterpiece.

He basically hugged an evil cyborg to death, but the explosions and flames surrounding them made it look like they were in a really impressive crater after a really unimpressive blurry flash of knives and lasers.

"We've fought alongside cyborgs for years," Černý said, in a moving speech caught just minutes before the fatal bear hug.

"Mark my words, fellas," Černý said. "One too many cyborgs lose hold of their robo-code and suddenly we've got a race war on our hands. Bucky will have to show up to the Christmas charity ball with an LED light glued to his forehead. Are you going to let that happen to him? Cause I'm not. I'm ending the war before it even begins. Who's with me?"

Unfortunately, no one was with him. He died minutes later.

Avengers team members on the scene were given a bad case of tonal whiplash when another version of their dead hero was unexpectedly seen running towards the center of the crater where Černý had died.

Officials say that for legal reasons it is impossible to positively ID the doppelganger who was witnessed running through all the smoke and obligatory debris.

The singular Latino man not legally known as Duro Peña Černý was wearing a badly ripped up postal worker's uniform under a pastel pink beauty pageant slash with "Happy Death Day, cheaters!" written across it in blue and hot pink glitter.

Witnesses who will never see their name in print at The Märchen Dragon Gazette say that when the Duro Peña Černý doppelganger finally reached the dead body formerly known as Duro Peña Černý the first thing he did was lean over it and dramatically kiss it on what remained of its cold dead lips. 

After two seconds of what critics are calling a metaphor worth dying for, Černý then threw the corpse's torso (limbs had been lost) over his shoulder and absconded with it like some kind of batshit time traveling grave robber.

When asked to comment on why Mr. Černý felt the need to hug a suicidal cyborg with a big ol' beeping self destruct button, Steve Rogers, a brother-in-arms, had this to say, "Go away, Beaufoy. This isn't the time for your snide jokes. We all know what we saw out there."

The briefly bereaved wife of the formerly deceased was not asked to comment.

L. Beaufoy is a staff writer for The Märchen Dragon Gazette, covering Supernatural Phenomenon. 

With thirteen years of experience, he has reported extensively on robots, dead people, and sex in a weekly column titled I Didn't Fake My Death, I'm Just Built Different.

When not writing, he can be found hosting Who's Fault Is It Anyway? a monthly game show performed as part of a variety of activities on the new moon themed luxury cruise spaceship Cerny's Spatial Moon Cruise. (55% off round trip to Titan: Book while you still can!)

Chapter Text

Vampires, robots, and synthetic clones. Oh my! 

In the year of our lord 3016 it may seem like a cheap novelty when your girlfriend playfully asks you for a bite, but did you know Cerny Corp is using its genetically altered vampires to steal your DNA without your consent? 

That's right, folks! The modern vampire is more than just a pretty face.

We all know a vampire's saliva is jam packed with aphrodisiacs that are better than any drug the black market has to offer, but it turns out a vampire doesn't burn off all the blood it drinks. 

Sure, that tasty blood is churning away in its digestive system and fueling its gorgeous immortality, but did you know even a vampire has to take a piss on occasion? 

Cerny Corp meticulously collects vampire urine and uses it to harvest the DNA of every single human these ignorant vampires have bitten. 

They've been doing this since they first rolled out their infamous vampire surgery in 2928. The surgery was outlawed in 2999, but those seventy one years of transformations were more than enough to suit Cerny Corp's purposes. 

Lemme just say, I sure as hell didn't sign up for that when I placed my beautiful John Hancock on the dotted line! 

So what should we do about this? 

Preventing more humans from turning themselves into vampires was all well and good, but Cerny Corp is doggedly pursuing its dream of achieving immortality for all by genetically altering the synthetic clones they've created using vampire pee. 

I don't know about the rest of you vamps, but this vampire prince sure does get around. Imagine how many test tube babies your very own K. Beaufoy has accidentally birthed over the decades? 

I shudder to think of all the child support I ought to be paying. 

The numbers aren't pretty. 

These synthetic clones are physically identical to the human DNA each of them is based off of, but their brains have been turned into cyborg brains so that each of them will have a flawless photographic memory. 

Each of them is capable of healing at speeds much faster than a normal human or even a vampire is capable of healing. 

Like vampires, none of them will age past their thirties. 

You heard it here first, folks. 

Vampires and robots have officially come together in these trying times to create the baby no one wanted or asked for. 

What's a man to do when he stumbles upon a genetic clone of his own face that is twenty years younger and thirty times smarter? 

Will this man claim he is still valuable to society because he has age and wisdom on his side? 

Or will he bow out gracefully when the synthetic clone takes his job and does it better? 

This vampire rests easy in the knowledge that he is the one and only K. Beaufoy. 

It's too bad I can't say the same for the rest of humanity.

L. Beaufoy is a staff writer for The Hawtrey Hallow Gazette, covering Supernatural Phenomenon. With four years of experience, he has reported extensively on robots, dead people, and sex in a weekly column titled I Didn't Fake My Death, I'm Just Built Different.

When not writing, he can be found hosting Who's Fault Is It Anyway? a monthly game show performed as part of a variety of activities on the new moon themed luxury cruise spaceship Cerny's Spatial Moon Cruise. (60% off round trip to Phobos: Book while you still can!)

Chapter Text

"I will not allow you to seduce my prince!" Lady Sif shrieked. "You have been revealed as an evil Frost Giant, Loki! I know all!"

Loki laughed. "Very well? What would you have me do, Lady Sif?"

Lady Sif scowled. "You must not seduce my prince!"

"Yes, yes," Loki said, rolling his eyes. "I know very well that the fair Lady Sif is Thor's fiancé. I will not lay with him."

Lady Sif squinted at Loki suspiciously. 

"Was that all, Lady Sif?" Loki said, smirking. "Or would you have me slay a dragon for you?"

Lady Sif huffed, spun around, and stomped away. 

"This is a safe realm," Thor said, with the air of an ambassador. "You will be able to roam as you please, Loki."

"Alright?" Loki said. "I already knew that."

"You can share my hearth whenever you'd like," Thor said, urgently. "But you can also visit the hearths of any of your Valkyrie sisters whenever you'd like?"

"I'm not a Valkyrie, Thor!" Loki said, hotly. "Only women are allowed to call themselves Valkyrie!"

"I apologize, brother," Thor said, as gently as an uncle with his nephew. "You can visit any of your, erm, your coven sisters whenever you'd like?"

Loki scowled at Thor. 

"What has gotten into you today?" Loki said, suspiciously. "Has Lady Sif thrown another tantrum?"

"Lady Sif is very fond of you, Loki," Thor said, like a little politician.  

"Uh huh," Loki said. "And the lake monster is very fond of me too, is that right?"

"Lake monster?" Thor said, blinking in confusion. "What lake monster?"

"Never you mind," Loki said, airily. "Which realm are we living in, this decade?"

"This is Terra," Thor said. "You've been here before, Loki."

"Have I?" Loki said. 

"Yes," Thor said, patient as a saint. "They used to call it Midgard, but it renamed itself."

"Oh!" Loki said. "I thought the Midgardians prefer to call it Earth?"

Thor shrugged. "I suppose? But the aliens across the galaxy call it Terra?"

"Who gives a bloody fuck about the aliens, Thor?" Loki groused. "If the Earthlings call themselves Earthlings then they are obviously people of Earth?"

"That is a good point, brother," Thor said, chuckling nervously. 

"Thor!" Loki said, angrily. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Nothing is wrong with me, Loki!" Thor said. "I am... erm... I am simply happy to see my brother?"

"Very well?" Loki said. "But you're behaving as if you expect me to throw myself into the Great Lake?"

"Which lake, Loki?" Thor said, leaning forward. "Do you mean the lake in Greenland or the lake in the United Kingdom?"

"United Kingdom?" Loki said, musingly. "Which Kingdom would call itself United? I thought they had named themselves America?"

"Hmm," Thor said. "The humans change their names more often than a dandy changes his hats."

"Hah!" Loki said. "That is very true, brother." 

Thor grinned, roguishly, and then said, "I've simply missed my favored shield brother, Loki. I haven't seen you in over a decade."

"So?" Loki said. "A decade passes in the blink of an eye."

"Does it?" Thor said, pouting. "You enjoyed your decade reading alone in your bedchamber and thought it passed in a blink?"

"Of course?" Loki said. "Why? What did you do with your decade?"

"I sat alone in my bedchamber and wrote love ballads about the fair Prince Loki," Thor said, winking. "And then I wondered if my shield brother might read my ballads the next time he locks himself away in his room?"

Loki blushed. "Oh? I certainly would like to read your ballads."

"Aha!" Thor said, with the air of a man who had just won the attention of a foreign princess. "Shall I give them to you, Loki? Will you read them?"

"Of course I'll read them, you silly thing," Loki said, fondly. "Where did you put them?"

"I left them in my bedchamber," Thor said, sheepishly smiling down at his feet. "Shall I fetch them for you?"

"Yessir," Loki said, laughing. "Go fetch."

As eager as a dog, Thor ran off to his bedchamber to fetch his love ballads. 

"Listen well, Jötnar," Jupiter said, sternly. "You must not speak to my son."

"Very well?" Loki said. "I will not speak to your son."

"You may not speak to him even if he wears a dress!" Jupiter shouted.

"I see?" Loki said. "I vow to avoid all of Jupiter's sons, be they in a kilt or in breeches?"

Jupiter frowned, thoughtfully, and then groaned. 

"Is that all, sire?" Loki said, giggling like a little airhead. 

"Listen well, Jötnar!" Jupiter said. "You cannot seduce any of my daughters!"

"Aye, Jupiter!" Loki said, while laughing heartily. "I will not seduce any of your children!"

"Hmm," Jupiter said, looking at Loki appraisingly. "You will not allow any of my children to see your blue skin."

"Is that so?" Loki said, raising an eyebrow. "Why is that?" 

"The fair folk are too fair, Jötnar!" Jupiter shouted. "If they see your blue skin they will be seduced!"

Loki grinned. "Oh? I thought the fair folk were ugly this decade?"

Jupiter scowled. 

"Did you not decree my people ugly and beastly?" Loki said, playfully. "Did you not tell scandalous campfire stories of the Jötnar Midgets and their sinful wiles?"

"I did," Jupiter said, sighing. 

"Then why would my blue skin be considered beautiful, hmm?" Loki said, reassuringly. "We both know full well that all that see me in my natural form would flinch at the very sight of me?"

"I fear they will not flinch at the sight of you, Jötnar," Jupiter said, huffing.

"Why would you fear such a thing?" Loki said, gleefully. 

Jupiter blushed. 

"Oho," Loki said, tossing her lovely white hair over her shoulder in a seductive manner. "Is the mighty Jupiter failing to heed his own campfire stories?"

"Aye!" Jupiter said, angrily. "I am failing to heed them! My wife weeps!"

Loki wagged a finger at Jupiter. "Naughty Gas Giant. Why would you allow the fair Saturn to weep? You must not allow your eyes to wander."

"How can I prevent my eyes from wandering, Jötnar?" Jupiter said, softly as a whispering wind. "I would do anything to prevent it?"

"Hmm," Loki said. "Would you have me change my skin for you, sire?"

"Not when we are alone together," Jupiter said, frowning like a grumpy prince. "However, when there are others in view of your beauty, you must hide your firelight under a bushel!" 

"Aye, aye," Loki said, rolling her eyes. "I will disguise myself by changing my blue skin. I shall make it white, shall I?"

"Yes!" Jupiter said, triumphantly. "Strictly speaking, you must do this when any eyes are within view of you. With myself as the only exception!"

Loki chuckled, light heartedly, and then whispered, "Your wife will weep?"

"To hell with my wife!" Jupiter burst out. "I was forced to marry her for the good of the bloodline!"

"Is that so, sire?" Loki said, coyly. "You do not weep at the thought of your weeping wife?"

"I do not!" Jupiter said. "In fact, I am glad of her weeping! She is tiresome!"

"Oho," Loki said. "Whatever shall we do about this, sire?"

Jupiter glanced away. 

"Hmm," Loki said. "Would you like permission to bite me upon my neck?"

Jupiter looked back at Loki with wide eyes.

"You would grant me permission?" Jupiter said, suspiciously. "What must I do in exchange?"

Loki laughed, maniacally, and said, "If you would like permission to bite me upon my neck you must remove one of your eyeballs. If you do so, you would prove your loyalty. If you do so, I will grant you permission to drink my blood whenever you'd like."

"Aha!" Jupiter said. "You have trapped yourself, Lady Jötnar!"

"Have I?" Loki said, with a devious smile. 

"Yes, you have!" Jupiter said, with the air of a man who had just won a pot of gold. "I would gladly sacrifice one measly eyeball for the right to own your hearth, Mistress Jötnar!"

"Very well?" Loki said, seductively leaning forward and allowing the godling Prince Jupiter to catch a glimpse of bosom. "Why do you hesitate, my prince?"

Jupiter looked like a young man who had lost hold of his own broom. 

He simply sat there and stared at Loki's bosom. 

"Aye?" Jupiter said. "I must simply remove one eye? I may keep the other eye?"

"Yes, sire," Loki said, gently. "Simply remove one eye, to prove your loyalty to my bloodline, and I will be your Jötnar wife."

"Must I slay my human wife?" Jupiter said, hesitantly. 

"Nay," Loki said. "I am fond of your wife. Might we keep her as my sister?"

"Aye?" Jupiter said, grinning roguishly. 

"Saturn Greengrass is a very kind mistress to me," Loki said, persuasively. "I shall be her big sister. I will be very gentle and sweet towards my concubine sister."

Jupiter chortled, blushed still more furiously, and then said, "If you lay with my wife, might I watch the proceedings?"

"Aye," Loki said, giggling. "I would love to lay beside you and your wife."

Those were the words that convinced Prince Jupiter to stab his own eyeball with a butter knife. 

His father was cross with him, but Jupiter argued it had been worth it, for he had won himself a powerful Jötnar wife. 

His father merely sighed, shrugged, and allowed his son to enjoy a Jötnar wife.

In this manner, Loki became a daughter in law of the Titans and was granted entrance to the Library of Titan, which was hidden away on the small satellite known as Titan. 

She would one day gain access to every library in the solar system. 

For it was her life's aspiration to read every book the gods had hidden from her. 

Loki woke up laying upon one of those odd boxes the humans enjoyed sleeping on. 

He frowned at the ceiling over his head, which was strangely silver and metallic, and then he glanced around for a concubine sister. 

Instead of locating a sister, he found himself looking at a large blonde man who was sitting on a wooden chair. 

"Loki?" the blonde man said. "Can you hear me?"

Loki sat up, frowned at the blonde, and simply said, "Aye?"

The blonde man looked relieved. 

"Are you well, sire?" Loki said, cautiously. 

The blonde man was muscular and battle worn. He had an eyepatch and the shorn hair of a grizzled warrior. 

"Yes," the blonde said. "I am Thor."

"Aye?" Loki said. "God of Thunder?"

"Yes, sire!" Thor said, grinning triumphantly. "You've heard tale of my rise to godhood?" 

"Yes, yes," Loki said, rolling his eyes. "You are very impressive, godling."

Thor laughed. "Aye! Have I won the fair Loki's heart?"

Loki blinked. 

He had not been addressed as Loki in eons. 

How did this man learn my true name? Loki thought, musingly. And what does he want from his djinn?

"Loki?" Thor said. "Are you well?"

"Yes, yes," Loki said. "What would you ask of me, sire?"

"Ask of you?" Thor said, frowning thoughtfully. "Did my translator fail me?"

"Translator?" Loki said, tilting his head. "You speak of the Alltongue?"

 "Yes?" Thor said. "The Alltongue is simply a computer chip that allows us to translate every human language under the sun?"

"Oho," Loki said. "Is that the tale they tell, this decade?" 

"Wh-what?" Thor said, blinking in confusion. 

Loki chuckled, mischievously, and said, "Does the God of Thunder seek a mage?"

"Yessir!" Thor said, like an eager schoolboy before his favored professor. "I love mages, sir. I'm very kind to every mage and every unicorn under the blood moon?"

"Aha!" Loki said, leaning forward seductively and waggling his eyebrows. "Would you like to dance in the forest?"

"No, no," Thor said, as hastily as a virgin. "Can we... erm... can we be mates? Platonic mates?"

Loki huffed. "Why did you call upon a mage, then? Did you have a quest?"

"Er, not really?" Thor said. "I completed my quest when I rescued you, Loki."

"Rescued me?" Loki said, baffled by the very notion. "What did you rescue me from, silly godling?"

"From Jupiter!" Thor said, hotly. "My evil father was treating you as his sex slave, Loki!"

Loki frowned, thoughtfully, and then said, "The politically correct term is concubine, you silly little prince."

These words were the words that broke the foolish young man. He began to weep like a man that had just witnessed his own mother's death. 

Alarmed by the strange behavior, Loki quickly said, "I apologize for being cheeky, sire!"

"No!" Thor said. "I am the one who should apologize, Loki!"

"Pardon?" Loki said. 

"I had no idea you were a slave, Loki!" Thor cried. "If I had known, I would have killed my father eons ago!"

"Oh?" Loki said, chuckling light heartedly. "Is that so?"

This is convenient, Loki thought. Maybe I can make this young son of Jupiter into my knight errant. 

The handsome God of Thunder continued to sob like a little boy, so Loki graciously gave the big man a firm hug. 

Thor clung to Loki as if he had just been given the throne of Asgard. 

However, when Loki tried to give Thor the throne of Asgard in a literal sense, Thor rejected the idea. 

"Lady Hilda is much older than me," Thor said, sniffing. "She will be a better monarch. Is that alright? Can she be our queen?"

"Of course, my prince," Loki said, gently. "You are too young for the kingship, hmm? She will be our political leader until you are old enough for the throne. The humans have a term for this. Hmm, the official title escapes me, but... hmm."

"That's okay, Loki," Thor said. "You don't need to worry about your wording anymore."

"Pardon?" Loki said. 

"I'll keep you safe, Loki," Thor said, urgently. "Please don't be afraid of me."

Loki gave Thor a winsome smile. "Why would I be afraid of the gallant God of Thunder?"

These words triggered another bout of feckless sobs, but Loki knew how to be a good godfather. He simply hugged the man and rocked him until the large man calmed himself. 

Then the handsome Thor fell gently to sleep and Loki was able to relax. 

Chapter Text

After Tony Stark died, the time travelers arrived. There were hundreds of them from across the galaxy. 

Apparently, they'd been inspired by Tony Stark's noble self sacrifice. They thought Tony Stark was the Father of Time Travel, so hundreds of time travelers from the future enjoyed visiting the day Tony Stark had died. 

They were attempting to prevent his death. 

Stephen already knew that it wasn't actually possible to prevent Tony Stark's death, but that was a technicality. 

Each time a time traveler saved Tony Stark's life, they simply created a new timeline. 

In doing so, they created a new Tony Stark variant. 

Now there were hundreds of Tony Stark variants. And there were hundreds of new timelines. 

Apparently, this abrupt branching of the time space continuum had nearly ended the world. 

In the literal sense. 

Earth had almost been blown up by aliens to prevent the branching timelines from branching further. Time traveling aliens from three hundred years in the future had decided to end Earth's existence on the day the original Tony Stark variant had lost his life to prevent any other time travelers from attempting to save his life. 

But then a Loki Odinson variant showed up to talk the aliens out of blowing up Earth. 

Loki simply said, "If you blow up this planet? I will kill myself. Not only will I kill myself, I will engineer a way to kill every single Loki variant in every single timeline across the entire multi-verse the same way a Rick Sanchez variant once killed every single one of the variants who genetically resembled his ex-wife!"

That was all Loki said before teleporting away from the council of alien diplomats who had gathered to discuss whether or not they should blow up Earth. 

Loki left with a bright flash of green light, as he always did. 

At the time, Stephen had laughed as soon as Loki was gone. He thought the other councilmen would laugh too, but they didn't laugh. 

Instead, they all scowled at each other and said things like, "He really means it when he makes a suicide threat! We cannot ignore his threats!"

And, "I won't let my moon tree give up his life for Terra!"

And, "Why does he even like those stupid humans anyway?"

And, "I will not allow the true god to perish!"

Stephen thought there would be a formal document or a magical contract to signify an agreement to protect Earth, but the time travelers didn't bother with any of that. 

They simply voted for one of their councilmen, a man who looked like an ordinary teenage boy, and told the boy that he needed to stay behind in 2027. 

"That's not even the year Stark died!" the boy shouted. 

"You're in charge of keeping an eye on the true god!" one of the other councilmen said. "You need to tell us if he makes more suicide threats!"

"Fine!" the teenager said, angrily. "I'll protect Loki from his own suicidal ideation, goddammit, but why are you leaving me in 2027? I thought you said the branching timeline began splitting when Stark died?"

"Loki didn't fall in love with Stark until 2027!" one of the councilwomen said. "Therefore, any-when before 2027 is irrelevant!"  

Then all of the time travelers disappeared with a bright flash of orange light and Stephen was left alone with the teenager. 

"Ugh," the teenager said. "I'm Ferris Artemis. If you need me, howl at the moon or something."

"I won't need you," Stephen said, scowling. "It has become clear to me that your time travelers are a group of religious fanatics."

"Took you long enough to pick up on that," Ferris Artemis said, rolling his eyes. "They think Loki is god. Other people think Tony Stark is god. And then there's a third group that thinks the first Artificial Intelligence, Jarvis Vision, is god. So the three of them are the ones you need to keep an eye on. Not because they're god. None of them are god, but the other time travelers are obsessed with them. The branching timelines will always center around these three men because time travelers who worship them like to visit like stupid tourists on a family vacation. Then they create more variants, which creates more worshippers, which creates more variants."

Having said that, Ferris Artemis disappeared with a bright flash of green light. 

Stephen realized, in that moment, that the teenage boy was himself a Loki variant. He was simply younger than the Loki variants that Stephen was more familiar with, so he hadn't recognized the man's face, initially. 

I suppose this is my own fault, Stephen thought, sighing. I'm the one who picked the most statistically improbable timeline when I decided to let myself be Snapped by Thanos. 

Now it was up to him to deal with the fallout. He had no choice. He would watch over the Tony Stark variants, the Jarvis Vision variants, and the Loki Odinson variants. 

If he didn't, time traveling aliens from the future would blow up his planet. 

At the time, the stakes couldn't have been higher. 

But he would learn, eventually, that the stakes would only continue to escalate. 

There was no choice. 

A Loki variant arrived in Stephen's office with a bright flash of blue light. 

Hmm, Stephen thought. I've never seen a Loki variant use blue light before. His magic is usually green. 

Loki was blue this time. He was shirtless and his hair was white and long enough to reach his ankles. It had been tied in elaborate plaits that elegantly stretched down his back. 

Stephen wondered how much longer Loki's hair would be if it wasn't up in the plaits. If his hair reached his ankles while it was bundled up in plaits, how long would the white hair reach when it was let loose?

Then he wondered if the fairytale about Rapunzel had been based on this Loki variant. It would only be natural, wouldn't it? A lot of the Grimm's Fairytales had been based off of Loki variants. 

The blue Loki with long white hair was nervously fidgeting with his hands while glancing around Stephen's office. 

"Can I help you?" Stephen said. "Are you lost?"

"No, no," Loki said, avoiding eye contact. "I am not lost, sire."

"Alright?" Stephen said. "Why are you here?"

Loki finally made eye contact, grinned, and said, "I am permitted to speak freely, sire?"

"Yes," Stephen said, impatiently. "What do you want?"

"Aha!" Loki said, bouncing on his heels like an excited teenager. "I want to help an orphan, sire!"

This Loki variant was much taller than the other variants, but Stephen knew his height would have nothing to do with his age. The variants who were taller were simply taller because they'd spent more time on the Jötunn Planet.  

"Is this about Peter Parker?" Stephen said, warily. 

Loki tilted his head. "No, sire? I have not heard the name Peter Parker. Should I be concerned for Peter Parker's welfare?"

"No," Stephen said, shortly. "Who are you concerned about?"

"Oho," Loki said, wagging his finger. "I will not give you the girl's true name. I know how you magicians love to trap me. I will not let you trap me. Nor will I allow you to trap my orphan."

"Alright?" Stephen said. "Then why are you here?"

Loki frowned, looking frustrated. "I would like to help an orphan, sire?"

"Then you should do that?" Stephen said. 

"Yessir!" Loki said, laughing. 

Then he teleported with a bright flash of blue light. 

Every Tony Stark variant was the same. 

"Listen, sweet cheeks," Stark said. "I get that the sacred timeline is sacred or whatever, but I don't want to marry Pepper Potts!"

Stephen groaned. 

"Tell your dogs to get the hell away from me," Stark said. "Tell them I don't give a goddamn fuck that they want me to marry Pepper Potts!"

"I'm not sending them," Stephen said. 

"Uh huh," Stark said, sneering at Stephen from across the desk between them. "And I'm not Father Time, but your sickos seem to think I am."

"Do whatever the hell you want," Stephen said. "I'm not telling you to marry Pepper Potts."

"Sure you aren't!" Stark said. 

Then Loki teleported into Stephen's office with a bright flash of blue light. 

He was the tallest variant. The one with long white hair. 

This time, he had hidden his natural blue skin with a glamour. He looked more like the other Loki variants, but he was still much taller than them and his hair was still ridiculously pale and long. 

It wasn't in its plait anymore. It was loose and spilling onto the floor. 

"I am in need of a knight errant!" Loki announced. 

"What the fuck?" Stark said. 

"Please leave, Stark," Stephen said. 

"Hold on!" Stark said, grinning at Loki. "This man is an alien? He's really... uh... tall?"

"Yes, sire," Loki said, smiling shyly at the Stark variant. "I hail from Jötunn. Today, I am two decades and three years."

"Twenty three, huh?" Stark said, smirking. "You sure about that, sweetheart? You look like one of those giant space Vikings. Aren't they immortal?"

Loki blushed. 

Crap, Stephen thought. Is this what those time travelers were talking about? 

They'd said something about a Loki variant falling in love with a Stark variant. 

"I am not to be confused with Loki of Asgard," Loki said, glancing away from Stark. "That man is a queen. I am not a queen. I am simply Gelid."

"Gelid?" Stark said, laughing. "That's a cute name, princess. You sure you aren't a queen?"

"Would the both of you get out of my office?" Stephen said. 

Loki finally remembered himself and looked back at Stephen, pouted like a little boy, and then said, "Is that a direct order, sire, or may I ignore your request?"

"It isn't an order," Stephen said, huffing. "Just tell me what you want and then leave."

Loki grinned at Stephen, saluted him like a military man, and then said, "I would like you to adopt America Chavez."

Then Loki vanished with a bright flash of blue light. 

The Stark variant was staring at the spot where Loki had been standing with a goofy smile on his face. 

"What year are you from?" Stephen said, warily. 

"2019," Stark said, chuckling. "Why d'you ask?"

"I should have known you were young," Stephen said, groaning. "Why are you in 2027, Stark? How did you jump from 2019 to 2027?"

"Ask those nutso cultists!" Stark said. "They beamed me up in one of their spaceships and gave me a lecture about being nice to my secretary because they want me to marry her!"

"Goddammit," Stephen said. "Just ignore them. I'll give you something to put over your house and your workplace. A shield against aliens."

"Whatever," Stark said. "I don't even care about that anymore. Who's the sexy space Viking?"

"Don't worry about him," Stephen said. 

"He said you've gotta adopt someone," Stark said, smirking. "Or should I adopt his orphan for you? I'll be Batman."

"No," Stephen said. "Get out of my office."

"He sounded like such a little nerd," Stark said, laughing. "What did he call you? A knight errant? That's cute."

"Get out of my office," Stephen repeated. 

"Does he visit a lot?" Stark said, raising his eyebrows. "Can you give him my number?"

"No!" Stephen said. "I will not give him your number!"

Then Loki teleported back into the room. 

He looked exactly the same apart from one detail. His hair was jet black. It was still ridiculously long and spilling onto the floor, but he'd used his magic to darken it. 

Looking proud of himself, he triumphantly held a composition book up in the air. Then he extended it towards Stark. 

"My number!" Loki said, giggling. 

"Thanks, buddy," Stark said, taking the composition book from him while smirking. 

Then Loki teleported away again with a bright flash of blue light. 

"Hot damn," Stark said. "He's the sexiest alien I've ever met. Did you see his freaking hair? Goddamn."

"Get out," Stephen said. 

"Is he one of those magical aliens?" Stark said. "Or did he take the time to dye his hair and then re-wind time just so he could show me that he can re-wind time?"

"Get out of my office, Stark!" Stephen shouted. 

Stark triumphantly waved the composition book in the air. "Your stupid cultists fucked up. If they wanted me to marry my secretary, they shouldn't have told me to marry my secretary. Reverse psychology and all that. Now I'm determined to fire her just to spite them!"

"Go ahead and fire her, Stark," Stephen said. "I don't care."

"I'm gonna marry a space Viking instead," Stark said, laughing maniacally. "That'll really piss off your cultists, Strange!"

"They aren't my cultists," Stephen said. "I have nothing to do with them."

"Uh huh," Stark said. "That's your story and you're sticking to it? I'm not buying it."

"Believe whatever you want," Stephen said. "Get out of my office." 

The young Stark variant finally left. 

As soon as Stark was gone, another Loki variant teleported into Stephen's office with more flashing blue lights. 

This one was a teenager. He looked identical to the time traveler that had called himself Ferris Artemis. 

He was even wearing a black three piece suit, which looked exactly the same as the suit Ferris Artemis had worn during the council meeting with the other time travelers.  

"Where the hell is Tony Stark?" the Loki variant said. 

"Which one?" Stephen said, sighing. 

"Why the fuck are there so many Stark doppelgangers?" Loki said, hotly. 

"The timeline is branching," Stephen said. 

"I fucking know that!" Loki said. "It started this year. It started today! Now there are hundreds of Tony Stark doppelgangers running around all over the planet! They keep running into themselves!"

"What would you have me do?" Stephen said. 

"We need to separate them!" Loki said. "If they come into contact with each other, they will be infected by a mental illness known as Paradox Psychosis. It will trigger homicidal tendencies. They will kill each other, do you hear me? We need to separate them or else they will kill each other!"

"How am I meant to separate them?" Stephen said, incredulously. "I don't know where they'll appear or why they've shown up. Some of them are building their own time machines and some of them are-"

"Don't blame Stark!" Loki said, scowling at Stephen. "I've done the math. The problem began with you, Stephen Strange. It was you!"

"I don't disagree," Stephen said. "But-"

"No buts!" Loki said. "I am much older than I look, do you understand? I realize I look like a teenager, but I am a sixty year old man. I won't tolerate your disrespect anymore than I will tolerate your ignorant arrogance!" 

"I know you're older than you look," Stephen said, rolling his eyes. "Is this the part where you tell me to kneel before the Norse God of Chaos? I'm not going to kneel."

Loki tilted his head. "I beg your fucking pardon?"

Stephen frowned. 

Then the door to his office opened and a young Hispanic woman poked her head into the office. 

"Uncle Five?" the Hispanic woman said. "Is that you, sir?"

Loki groaned. 

"Did I get your name wrong, sir?" the Hispanic woman said. "I apologize?"

"What the fuck do you want, girl?" Loki said, glaring at the ceiling. "Daddy is busy, hmm? Leave the adults to argue in peace?"

"My name is America Chavez," the Hispanic woman said. "You don't recognize me, Five?"

Loki finally looked at the Hispanic woman. He scowled at her. 

"I won't be tricked, young lady," Loki said. "You are not my daughter." 

"I'm not your daughter, Uncle Five," America said, agreeably. "I'm Stephen Strange's daughter."

Stephen sighed. "You can't dictate something like that."

America pouted. "I can't?"

"Hold the phone," Loki said, glancing between the two of them. "Have you met this woman before, Dr. Strange?"

"I haven't," Stephen said. "A few minute ago, one of your variants told me to adopt America Chavez. I suppose he was prepared for this particular event?"

America grinned. "My uncle came and told you to adopt me? That's sweet."

Loki studied America like a man who was paranoid about being kidnapped by aliens. Perhaps he was one of the variants who had already escaped several kidnapping attempts. 

"Who are you?" Loki said. "Are you one of those shape shifters?"

"I'm America Chavez," America said, politely. 

"I won't be fooled!" Loki shouted. "Why are you here? Do you work for the Commission?"

"The Commission, sir? " America said, frowning. "Is that what you call the Time Variance Authority?"

"Crap!" Loki shrieked. 

Then he teleported away with a bright flash of blue light. 

"Darn," America said. "I suppose I scared him?"

"Sit down," Stephen said, sternly. "Tell me everything you know about the Loki variants."

America was eager to do as she was told. She sat down in front of his desk and smiled at him. 

Apparently, she was a sixteen year old who was determined to be adopted by a time traveler. She didn't care who adopted her, but she wanted to be adopted by someone who would be able to find her if she lost control of her super powers.

She'd been born with the ability to jump through time and had accidentally lost her parents after her first jump. 

Not long after she explained this to Stephen, the Loki variant who looked like a teenager re-appeared with more flashing blue lights. 

He was wearing a white three piece suit this time and he was significantly taller than he had been when he'd left. 

"I will not let this man adopt you, America!" Loki said, sternly. "He is an irresponsible magician!"

America giggled. "Will you adopt me instead, Uncle Five?"

"Yes, I will!" Loki said, opening his arms invitingly. "C'mere!" 

While looking like a little girl who had just been told Santa Claus was real, America happily stood up and gave the Loki variant a hug. 

The two of them looked like teenagers who were about to run away to Vegas for a dramatic elopement. 

They disappeared with a bright flash of pink light. 

Hmm, Stephen thought. I suppose the Loki variants can change the color of their magic whenever they want to. 

Then the tallest Loki variant, whose hair had finally been cut, re-appeared in Stephen's office with a Stark variant. 

"You must protect this man!" Loki shouted, urgently. "You cannot allow him to lose his life! If this man were to die? I will kill every single human in New York, New York without hesitation or remorse!" 

After making this dramatic threat, the Loki variant disappeared with a bright flash of blue light. 

The Stark variant who was left behind started laughing uncontrollably. 

"What happened?" Stephen said. 

"I accidentally ran into one of my clones," Stark said, still laughing. "Whoa! It was such a trip! It felt like taking a bong hit!"

"Sit down," Stephen said. "Tell me everything that's happened since the last time I saw you."

Stark sat down. 

He explained how he'd just spent the past five weeks. 

Then the two of them buckled down and attempted to solve the new problem that had been placed before them. 

They needed to figure out how to prevent the Stark variants from killing each other. 

If they failed to prevent the Stark variants from killing each other, one of the Loki variants would kill everyone in New York. 

Additionally, if any of the Loki variants killed themselves, time travelers from the future would blow up the planet. 

And, they would later find out, if anything happened to Midgard's planet Thor Odinson would grieve like a man who had just lost his wife to a gruesome death. He would start a war with hundreds of planets. 

To prevent all of this, Stephen and the Stark variant needed to prevent the Stark variants from killing each other. 

It was the first of many problems that they encountered that year. 

Chapter Text

The humans have mistaken me for a god, Loki thought. I must tread carefully. 

They were trying to be cozen about it, but Loki saw through their lies. The humans wanted to call him Headmaster, this century, and told him they only sought protection and words of wisdom, but Loki recognized worshippers when he saw them. 

"Merlin?" a young red head said, tentatively knocking on the door to the library the humans had allowed Loki to call his own. "Are you here, sir?"

Another young red head with spectacles, who stood behind his taller brother, angrily said, "His name isn't Merlin! His name is Estoire!"

"A rose by any name is just as sweet," Loki said, reassuringly. "Allow your brother to call me Merlin, Perseus." 

The red head in spectacles, Perseus, began to fiercely blush and stutter.

"I apologize, sir!" the taller red head, King Arthur, said with the air of a man who was about to be strung up in a tree. "Please tell us your name. Um, you don't have to give us your birth name. We aren't going to trap you like a genie in a bottle?"

Then Thor finally showed up. He followed the humans into Loki's library like one of those Earthlings who guarded the feasting halls that sold ale and beer.  

"Silly little mages," Thor said, laughing cheerfully. "My brother is simply my brother. Call him Merlin, call him Dragon, or call him Loki, but my brother is simply a man who would enjoy to read his books in peace."

"Aye!" Loki said. "However, I'm willing to tutor any magelings who seek schooling?" 

Perseus nervously adjusted his spectacles and said, "Please teach me your ways, sir! I promise not to accuse you of using dark magic. I'm a man who is smart enough to know that there is no such thing as dark or light magic! There is only magic!"

"Me too!" King Arthur said, as eagerly as a younger boy who was determined to be acknowledged by a father with numerous sons. "I'm a king who's smart enough to know that the old laws were used to trick us!" 

Loki grinned at the red headed brothers. 

"Is that so?" Loki said, chuckling. "You seek Nature Magic?"

"Yessir!" Perseus said. "Please teach me! The wizards who raised us wanted us to be ignorant, sir! They barely taught us a thing!"

This is marvelous! Loki thought. I will conduct myself as their professor! 

Loki wagged a finger at them and said, "How many students will I be teaching, sire?" 

"Oh my goodness," Perseus said, blushing enough to light his entire face, ears, and neck as furiously red as the hair upon his head. "We have a lot of students who want you to teach them, sir. Um, how many students are you willing to tolerate?"

"Hmm," Loki said. "I suppose we'll have to draw up a time's table? We need to figure out which students care to know which subjects?"

"I want to study the magical creatures, sir!" King Arthur said, while bouncing up and down like a toddler on Christmas morning. "I would like to specialize in Fantastic Beasts!" 

"Wonderful," Loki said, reaching up to pat the fair King Arthur upon his head. "Gather at least thirty students who also want to learn about magical creatures. Once you've selected thirty students, tell me when your group of students would like to meet. We must meet twice weekly, yes? Agree on a time and place with your thirty students and I will teach you all that I know about magical creatures."

"Yessir!" King Arthur said. 

He ran off like a prince errant who had just been told a princess was being kidnapped by a dragon. 

Loki laughed. 

"I would like to specialize in Nature Magic, sir!" Perseus said, adjusting his glasses like a man who feared he would lose his vision if he did not reassure himself that his glasses remained firmly on his nose. "Please teach me Herbology? I'll also find thirty students who want to take your Herbology class, sir!"

"Good boy," Loki said, nodding. "You must select a time and place for our Herbology class. We will meet twice weekly."

"Yessir!" Perseus said. "Thank you, sir!" 

He ran off in the same way his brother had done. 

Loki was then left alone in the Terran library with his godling son of Jupiter. 

Thor opened his arms and said, "Will my brother give me a hug before he begins selecting books for his new students?"

Eager to fulfill such an easy request, Loki gave the big blonde man a hug. 

To be held so tenderly was a strange change of pace, but Loki decided he was fond of these hugs. He allowed Thor to hold him for several minutes, then politely teleported to the other side of the room and cleared his throat. 

"I must select books for my new students," Loki said, politely. "So that we may carry on enjoying King Arthur's castle, sire?"

Playfully, Thor wagged a finger at Loki. "I hope my brother knows that we may leave King Arthur's castle whenever my Moonflower is bored? As soon as my Moonlight tires of this castle, I will capture a new castle for my Moon."

Loki giggled. "Aye. I am aware that Thor Odinson is a conquering Viking."

Thor gave Loki a charming smile. 

Loki blushed. 

Then Loki said, "Might we restrain ourselves from conquering unnecessary castles?"

"Aye," Thor said. "I will only conquer castles when my Loki decrees that we should conquer a castle."

"Hah!" Loki said. "You would treat me as your queen, sire?"

"Yes, Loki," Thor said. "You are my queen and I am your Viking."

Eager to seal such a wonderful arrangement in an official capacity, Loki teleported closer to Thor and quickly kissed the man on his forehead before Thor could change his mind. 

"Aha!" Thor said. "May I have another hug, Loki?"

"Yes, you may!" Loki said. "You're the best knight errant I've ever had, Thor!"

Thor immediately wrapped his arms around Loki like a man who had lost all of his wives, his mother, and his sisters. 

Perhaps Thor really had lost his family. When he'd killed King Jupiter, the man had done so without any shield brothers. Without any shield sisters. And without any human knights. 

"You are the best queen I've ever had, Loki!" Thor declared. "Please marry me?"

"Oh?" Loki said. "Is it permissible for two men to get married?"

"Yes, Loki!" Thor said, tenderly cuddling his face against Loki's head. "If any human were to protest our marriage? I would slay them!"

Loki laughed. "Please don't slay any humans who are simply blustering? Only slay the humans who are war mongering like imperialists."

"Aye aye!" Thor said. "I will do anything my queen tell me to do!"

"Aha!" Loki said. "In that case, I will marry you, Thor Odinson!"

Loki teleported out of the man's arms once more and used his magic to summon a ceremonial knife. 

Recognizing the blood ritual for what it was, Thor knelt upon the ground and gallantly held up both of his hands, palm up, and allowed Loki to gently slice small wounds upon his hands. 

Then Loki opened small wounds on his own palms. 

They grasped hands, intertwined their fingers, and allowed the magic of their bloodlines to bind them together in a formal Greek marriage. 

"Thank you, Loki," Thor said, breathlessly. "You will not come to regret this. I will be a dutiful spouse!"

"Aye!" Loki said. "I will also be a dutiful spouse, Thor!" 

Thor stood back up and Loki used his magic to summon healing salves out of his pocket dimension. He used the salves to heal the wounds he had opened on Thor's hands, then healed his own wounds.

At that moment, one of King Arthur's knights chose to dramatically reveal himself by throwing an invisibility cloak off of his shoulders. 

"I am a mage known as Ho Yinsen!" the knight announced. "But you may call me Lancelot, for I am Lancelot reincarnated!" 

The Midgardian mage was clearly a man who hailed from the Middle East, but he certainly conducted himself like the blonde Lancelot had once done by cheekily spying on his elders with an invisibility cloak. 

Loki knew that the Earthlings were being silly when they declared themselves reincarnated, but he decided he would humor any man or woman who wanted to call themselves reincarnated. 

So Loki gently smiled at Ho Yinsen and said, "You declare your true name to be Lancelot? Are you sure, sire? There are better names."

Ho Yinsen stood there stuttering and blushing in the very same manner as King Arthur's brother, Perseus, had just done mere minutes ago. 

Like Perseus, Ho Yinsen wore spectacles. His spectacles, however, were golden and round. 

"Er, well, er," Ho Yinsen said, glaring at his feet. "Um, we can say my true name is Henry Ho Yinsen Merlin? Erm, I'm loyal to Loki Estoire Merlin the Drake Dragon, sir, so please trust me as one of your knight errants?"

Loki laughed. "Do you also seek a professor, Yinsen?"

"Yessir!" Yinsen said. "I want to specialize in Blood Magic! Please! The stupid wizards at this school have arbitrarily declared Blood Magic to be Dark Magic and they say we cannot learn it because it's evil, but I know it isn't evil because I'm a smart man!"

"Aha," Loki said, chuckling. "And you seek me as your professor because you just caught me using Blood Magic in an ancient marriage ceremony?" 

Like a dutiful husband, Thor simply stood there and made sure his body was between Loki and Ho Yinsen. He waited patiently and said not a word. 

"Yessir!" Yinsen said. "But I promise not to blackmail you! Erm, you can send me away and I will politely leave and look for another professor because I'm Lancelot reincarnated and I am a very polite man!"

Loki laughed.  

Then there was a crash as the nearest window overlooking the courtyard was broken by a man in a red and gold suit of armor. 

The man used his magic to fly over the shelves of books in King Arthur's library and then he did a few dramatic somersaults and landed upon a table with theatrical showmanship. 

He removed his helmet, grinned at them with the handsome face of a Caucasian Terran, and said, "Tony Stark is way more famous than Ho Yinsen, Loki! I'm Iron Man!"

"Bloody hell!" Yinsen shouted. "Bugger off, Stark! You're in the wrong timeline!"  

"Not a chance, Yinsen!" Stark said, smirking. "I call dibs on the eldest variant! I wanna be Doctor Who's companion!"

"I beg your pardon?" Loki said. 

"He's not going to be your Doctor Who!" Yinsen shrieked, stomping his foot like a surly child whose chocolates had just been stolen. "He's going to be Greenland's Headmaster!"

Thor laughed, heartily, and said, "Calm yourselves, Earthlings! My Loki has chosen to conduct himself as a professor. Therefore, he will graciously teach as many students as he would like to teach. Isn't that right, Loki?"

Loki smiled at Thor. "Aye."

"Whatever!" Stark said. "I call dibs on being your loyal knight, Loki! I'll bodyguard the hell out of you and make sure S.H.I.E.L.D. can't get its dirty little paws on you!"

"S.H.I.E.L.D.?" Loki said, tilting his head. "Why would the agents be concerned with me?"

"I'm the one who's already bodyguarding him!" Yinsen shrieked. "I'm the bloody chosen one, Stark! Everyone knows Henry Ho Yinsen Lilo Pitts Potter is the chosen one!"

"Not a fucking chance, Yinsen!" Stark said, striking a heroic pose upon the table. "Everyone knows Iron Man is the chosen one!"

"Peace, friends!" Thor said, holding his hands up and chortling as merrily as Saint Nick himself. "I will allow both of you to call yourselves chosen if you conduct yourselves peaceably. Might we gather together as Earth's mightiest heroes? I will allow you to select five heroes, amongst yourselves, as Merlin's knights."

"Deal!" Yinsen said, extending his left hand towards Thor. 

Thor did not hesitate to seal his magic to Ho Yinsen's bloodline. 

He used his own left hand and shook Ho Yinsen's left hand in the traditional shield brother's agreement. 

Stark jumped off his table and also extended his left hand towards Thor. 

The two of them shook hands. 

Then King Arthur and his brother Perseus hurried into the library and also extended their left hands towards Thor, who quickly shook hands with them as well.

"Good morrow, shield brothers," Loki said, magnanimously. "What is all this nonsense about the agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.? Have they decided my spouse and I must be classified as illegal aliens?"

"Yessir," King Arthur said. "But they don't have jurisdiction outside of the United States. As long as you stay away from the United States of America, they can't arrest you. Erm, not legally." 

Then a young Hispanic woman ran into the library and said, "I call dibs on being the fifth knight!" 

A magician with a large red cape ran in after her and said, "You're not old enough, America!"

"What's up, Dr. Strange?" Stark said, laughing at the magician who chased after the Hispanic woman like an exasperated father. "You gonna be a good witch or a bad witch this time around?"

"He's super bad!" America said, giggling. "He's an evil magician who has read the forbidden spells in the Darkhold!"

"Sweet!" Stark said, grinning at Dr. Strange approvingly. 

"Bloody hell," Yinsen muttered. 

He picked up the invisibility cloak he'd previously thrown on the ground and threw it over his head, disappearing from view once more.  

"Oh?" Loki said. "I have not seen the Darkhold in eons. The book was stolen from my bedchamber."

America proudly pointed at her magician and said, "Merlin stole your book, sir!"

"Hah!" Loki said, looking at the mage with approval just as Stark had. "You've named yourself Dr. Strange, this decade? Or would you prefer to be Merlin reincarnated?"

"I'm not reincarnated," Dr. Strange huffed. "I'm Stephen Strange."

"Very good, sir," Loki said, nodding politely. "I will address you as Stephen Strange."

"This is badass!" Stark said, like a schoolboy who had finally won himself a gold medal. "This is my favorite timeline!" 

"How old are you, Stark?" Strange said, scowling at him. "What year are you from?"

"2008, baby!" Stark said, laughing. "I'm the best variant cause I'm the original!" 

"Yes you are, sir!" America said, grinning at him. "Can I have a hug, sir? I'm a big fan!" 

"Hell yeah you can!" Stark said, opening his arms like a celebrity who was accustomed to requests for hugs and autographs. "C'mon over here, little girl. I'll be Batman."

America giggled and gave Stark a brief hug before stepping back and laughing sheepishly. 

"We shall name ourselves the Justice League!!" Thor said, triumphantly. "And we will be the eight heroes that guard Earth from outside forces of evil!"

"That name is taken, Thor," America said, laughing at the big man like a happy girl who had never been endangered or harmed by men who were bigger than her. "But we can be King Arthur's Merry Robin Hoods?"

Loki smiled at her. 

America smiled back and said, "May I shake your hand, Loki? Your right hand?"

"Of course," Loki said, extending his right hand towards her. 

She shook his hand. 

Then she said, "May I shake your left hand, Loki?" 

"Yes, you may," Loki said, smiling gently at her. 

They shook hands once more, with the left hands this time, and used their magic to seal themselves as Wizard and Apprentice. 

"Thank you, sir," America said, beaming at him. "I'll be a very good student. I promise!"

"Aye," Loki said. "I will be a very good professor."

"Goddammit," Dr. Strange said. "Please don't allow America Chavez to fight with your knights, Prince Loki. She's too young to be an Arthurian knight!"

"I agree," Loki said, cheerfully. "She will be our little healer and our mage. She will not be a warrior. Yes?"

"Deal," Dr. Strange said, tersely. 

He extended his right hand towards Loki. 

They shook hands.

Neither of them offered to shake left hands. 

It was just as well.

They were simply sharing a goddaughter. 

Chapter Text

"You can't pretend to be Arthur Ganley," Molly Ganley said, sternly. "Just because you look like your great grandfather, you think you have the right to conduct yourself like King Arthur? You're an ordinary mage, Charlie! You'll be chased out of Canada by humans with pitch forks if you carry on impersonating your grandfather!"

"I don't give a bloody fuck!" Charles Ganley shouted. "I'm going to be King Arthur this time! Percy said he'll vouch for me!" 

"You'll get yourself killed!" Molly Ganley cried. 

"No, I won't!" Charles Ganley yelled, furiously. "Merlin will protect me!"

"He is not a god, Charlie!" Molly Ganley shrieked. "He's simply an immortal alien!"

"I don't give a toss!" Charles Ganley screamed. "I fell in love with him, Ma!"

"No!" Molly Ganley said. "He's already married, Charlie! He's already married!"

"I don't give a fucking toss!" Charles Ganley cried. "I'm going to be one of his consorts!"

"You cannot do that, son!" Molly Ganley shouted, as tears began streaming down her face. "You'll be burned at the stake!"

"This isn't Salem!" Charles Ganley bellowed. "It's the 21st century, Ma! We aren't going to hide like frightened witches anymore!"

"But you'll be killed!" Molly Ganley screamed, like a mad woman, before lifting her wand upwards and waving it with a practiced motion.

Before she could speak the words that would have completed the spellwork, her eldest son, William Ganley, ran into the room and threw a magical shield over his younger brother. 

"Stop erasing his memory, Mother!" William Ganley shrieked. "I'll fucking murder the hell out of you if you erase my brother's memory one more fucking time!"

"Wh-what?" Charles Ganley said, blinking at the purple force field that was floating over him. 

He couldn't hear what his mother was shouting. She was screaming her head off on the other side of the shield, but Charles couldn't hear her anymore. 

"Get out of here, Charlie!" William Ganley said, urgently. "I'll find you later! Please leave or else Mum and Da will give you amnesia again!"

Charles nodded and ran out of his childhood home. 

He grabbed his broom and flew back towards the Mockingjay Academy where Merlin and his scholars were curating a magical library. 

He was determined to learn everything he could about every magical creature in the world.

Charles was also determined to protect his Merlin from the other mages, who wanted to kill him for breaking the Statute of Secrecy and revealing magic to the humans.   

To hell with the Statute of Secrecy! Charles thought. We ought to copy the Americans and give ourselves the freedom to do whatever the hell we bloody want!

When he landed in front of the large mansion that had been renamed the Mockingjay Academy, the doors opened themselves with magic and welcomed him inside. 

I'll be a good Headmaster, Charles thought, nodding to himself, and strode inside. 

"You're such a stalker, Yinsen," Stark said, laughing gleefully. "What are you doing with that holographic invisibility blanket? You following Loki around like a little fanboy?"

"At least I'm not a liar!" Yinsen said, hotly. "You're not from 2008, Stark! You're even younger than that!" 

"Yeah, yeah," Stark said. "You the Yinsen variant that got kidnapped by witches or whatever?"

Yinsen huffed. 

"They decided to raise you in the U.K. and treat you like European royalty?" Stark said, waggling his eyebrows. "Or did they raise you in Canada this time? Hmm?"

Yinsen squinted at him. "Did you have a similar experience?"

"Duh?" Stark said. "I'm a Tony Stark clone. They wanted me to be their little diplomatic prince."

"You were kidnapped by witches?" Yinsen said, warily. 

"Aliens, witches, tomato, tomat-oh," Stark said, dismissively. "We both know that the real Tony Stark and the real Ho Yinsen died noble deaths. We both know the aliens dug up their corpses and then used the DNA of those two dead dudes to make a bunch of clones. So let's cut to the chase, hmm?" 

"No!" Yinsen said. "I won't agree to it!"

"You haven't even heard what I was gonna offer you," Stark said, groaning. 

"I already know what you're going to offer, Stark!" Yinsen said, angrily. "Every single one of your clones is exactly the same!"

"Oh yeah?" Stark said. "Then what do you think I was gonna offer?"

"I don't want to have any threesomes!" Yinsen shouted. "I refuse!"

"Dude," Stark said, rolling his eyes. "I'm not here to flirt with you."

"I don't give a bloody fuck!" Yinsen said. "I won't be one of your stupid boyfriends! Bugger off!"

"I don't need a stupid boyfriend, Yinsen!" Stark said. "I need a lab partner!"

"Huh?" Yinsen said, blinking. 

"C'mon, man," Stark said, with a charming smile. "Let's re-create the magic. The original Stark and the original Yinsen made Iron Man together. Let's, uh, let's make an even better Iron Man. Let's make an Iron Giant!"

Yinsen frowned, suspiciously, and said, "Really?"

"Look man," Stark said. "I get that I'm a horny hedonist or whatever, but you're not my type."

"Sure, I'm not!" Yinsen said. "Everyone knows the Stark variants will fuck anything that moves, Stark!"

"Whatever!" Stark said. "I won't flirt with you, so just be my fucking lab partner!"

"Fine!" Yinsen shouted. "You better not flirt with me! I'm in love with Loki Draco Wednesday!"

"Yeah, yeah," Stark said. "I won't flirt with Loki either. Okay? He's married anyway."

"I don't give a bloody fuck!" Yinsen said. "I'm going to steal Thor's husband! I'm going to seduce him and we're going to have an illicit affair!"

"Sure you will," Stark said, rolling his eyes. "You need me to be your wing man or something?"

Yinsen smirked. "Yes! If you want me to be your lab partner? You've got to be a good wing man, Stark!"

"Deal," Stark said, extending his left hand towards Yinsen. 

They shook on it, like gentleman, but Yinsen also used the needle hidden in his pinky ring to prick Stark's hand and draw a little bit of blood. 

"Ow!" Stark said, yanking his hand away. "You're such a prick, Yinsen!"

"And you're not as smart as you think you are, Stark!" Yinsen said, smirking triumphantly. "I will happily build an Iron Giant with you, but now you're also trapped in a Blood Contract! You have to help me seduce Loki Draco Wednesday!"

"Sure," Stark said, rolling his eyes. "It's worth it."

"Hah!" Yinsen said, crowning like a little Prince Loki in the making. "Of course it's worth it! I'm a genius!"

"Uh huh," Stark said. "You're the smartest guy on Terra. Yada yada. Can we get to work already?"

"Yes, we can!" Yinsen said, laughing as maniacally as the evil scientist they all knew he was. 

Stark chuckled. 

Then they ran to the nearest engineering lab. 

They had a robot that they needed to build. 

Stark wanted to build it because he simply loved building robots, but Yinsen wanted to build it because he knew Loki would be impressed with him if he saw that his smartest student was capable of building giant robots that were big enough to knock one of Jupiter's moons out of orbit. 

That was how the Iron Giant was made. 

But that tale is meant for another timeline. 

"What the fuck, America!" a Stacy variant said, scowling as furiously as the original Rapunzel must have done when her prince was kidnapped by dragons. "You can't stalk Professor Loki like this! You're being a very rude stalker, America!"

"Too bad, so sad," America said, mockingly. "Loki made me his Wizard's Apprentice. We shook on it and we used magic to seal ourselves as Wizard and Apprentice!"

"He doesn't know you've been stalking him!" the Stacy variant shouted. "You're worse than Wanda Maximoff! You can't just stalk the nearest Loki variant when your Loki variant dies!"

"I can and I will!" America yelled, stubbornly. "If you tell my Loki that I'm a stalker, I'll, um, I'll tell my godfather to smite you! Dr. Strange is a very evil wizard who's read the ancient Darkhold, so he can, um, he can totally curse you and curse every Stacy variant that tries to mess with me!"

"I wasn't born yesterday!" Stacy shrieked. "You can't scare me away with nonsense like that! Loki is my godfather and I'm determined to protect him from stalkers like you!"

"You're the one who's stalking him!" America screamed. "He won't recognize you either!"

"I'm just keeping his stalkers away from him!" Stacy cried. "I'm not one of the stalkers! I'm a TVA agent!"

"You're too young to be a TVA agent, Stacy," America said, smirking. "Uncle Loki obviously told you the same thing he told me. We aren't allowed to submit job applications to the TVA until we're thirty. Because he doesn't want any of the mutants to be encouraged to behave like child soldiers. He also wants to prevent hot headed twenty something year olds from behaving like Magneto cultists and he wants to prevent naïve S.H.I.E.L.D. agents from defecting to the TVA as soon as they learn about time travel."

"Bloody hell!" Stacy shouted, throwing her hands up and teleporting away with a bright flash of blue light. 

"Hah!" America said. "You shape shifters are all the same!"

Then she arrogantly lifted her chin and said, "If there are any men or women watching me with their invisibility blankets, you should know that I have two powerful godfathers watching over me! My dads will protect me from kidnappers and evil Dumbledores who try to take advantage of impressionable young orphans!"

A Nick Fury variant threw off an invisibility blanket, smiled approvingly, and then disappeared with a bright flash of blue light. 

America knew the shape shifters would make themselves look like any old famous person in order to convince humans to listen to what they had to say, so she knew the Nick Fury variant was probably a Skrull.

She shrugged to herself and then went back to the library where Loki was teaching his students about Herbology. 

I have to be a better student this time, America thought. I have to get good grades and show Loki that I'm very smart and well behaved. 

She was determined to make herself stand out as a teacher's pet. 

Every single student who came to Loki's school had the same goal, so they would be competing against other geniuses who each wanted Loki to pick them as the most brilliant genius among geniuses. 

That's why any Mutant School that managed to convince a Prince Loki variant to teach as one of their professors was always the best school. It would attract the best students, which would attract even better professors, which would attract more prodigy students. 

It was the perfect system. 

Or that's what America thought at the time, anyway. 

Later, she would change her mind. 

But she hadn't changed her mind, yet. 

Chapter Text

Loki was simply reading in his bedchamber when Lady Sif burst into the room like a bull chasing after a matador. 

Lady Sif had shorn her hair again, but this time she'd taken it a step further and used a hair potion to darken it. 

"What have you done to Prince Thor?!" Lady Sif shrieked, like a raving lunatic, while holding up her sword. "I would avenge him!"

"Very well?" Loki said, putting his book down on his night stand. "What are you avenging this time, silly warrior?"

"My Prince Thor is weeping in his bedchamber, Loki!" Lady Sif shouted. "What have you done to my Prince Thor?!"

"I haven't done a bloody thing, Lady Sif!" Loki said, impatiently. "Would you settle down?"

"No, I will not settle down!" Lady Sif yelled. "You must comfort my Prince Thor!"

"Why does he need comforting this time?" Loki said, raising an eyebrow. "Did one of those barmaids break his heart?"

"No, Loki!" Lady Sif said, with tears in her eyes. "It is you that is breaking my Prince Thor's heart!"

"Is that so?" Loki said, rolling his eyes. 

"It is so!" Lady Sif said. "You are an evil Frost Giant, Loki!"

"Yes, yes," Loki said, huffing. "We all know you love nothing more than to slay the Frost Giants. Would you be sensible for once in your life, Lady Sif? Sit down and tell me what exactly is the matter? I need specificity if I'm to assist your Prince Thor."

Lady Sif blinked at him. 

Then she shouted, "I will not be seduced, Frostling!"

"If you do not want Thor to seduce you, you must ignore his weeping!" Loki screamed. "Simply let the man weep! He is a foolish young man, yes? Find yourself a better man!"

Lady Sif gaped at him with horror, as if he'd just murdered a child in front of her, and then she said, "Prince Thor is the fairest in the land, Loki! He deserves to be loved and respected!"

"Aye!" Loki said, throwing his hands up in frustration. "Then you should go and comfort him, Lady Sif! Why are you hounding me like a toddling babe upon her uncle's lap? If you would like to comfort your Prince Thor, go and comfort him!"

"No, Loki!" Lady Sif shrieked, like a woman that had just witnessed the death of her entire clan. She began sobbing hysterically, with big fat tears streaming down her face. 

Alarmed by this strange behavior, Loki stood up and cautiously grabbed her sword. 

She easily let go of the weapon and then knelt upon the ground. 

"I beg of you!" Lady Sif cried. "Please love my Prince Thor!" 

Loki used his magic to stow her sword in one of his pocket dimensions. He didn't want her to stab him with it. 

Then he knelt down beside her and tentatively opened his arms to let her know he was willing to give her a hug. 

She flung herself at him and allowed him to rock her like an uncle with a niece while tightly clinging to him. 

"Please!" Lady Sif cried, like a heart broken little girl. "Prince Thor deserves your love, Loki! You must love him!"

"Would you please tell me the truth, Lady Sif?" Loki said, softly. "Has Thor broken your heart? Did he go chasing after another barmaid and leave you behind to cry after him?"

"No!" Lady Sif sobbed. "He is no longer chasing barmaids, Loki! He is ignoring every barmaid that smiles at him, Loki! He does not want barmaids, Loki!"

"Very well?" Loki said. 

I have never seen Lady Sif cry this much, Loki thought. Perhaps this isn't about Thor. 

"How are your parents, Lady Sif?" Loki said, hesitantly. "Do they fair well?"

Rather abruptly, Lady Sif nuzzled her face against Loki's neck. He stiffened, but didn't protest. 

Then she bit his neck. 

Loki shivered, but he allowed her to bite him. 

Lady Sif was like a baby vampire. She gulped a few small sips of blood, then licked his neck to heal the wound. 

It must have been instinctual. It was unlikely that her parents had ever explained a thing to her. 

"Lady Sif?" Loki said, cautiously. "Were you simply thirsty?"

Lady Sif sprang away from him as if she'd just touched a burning hot stove. Her face was on fire and the tear stains left behind by her earlier fit made her look like a little girl that was lost in the woods. 

"Th-thirsty?" Lady Sif said. "Was I thirsty?"

"Listen carefully, Lady Sif," Loki said, as gently as possible. "You must speak with the Allmother. She will help you." 

"How will she help me, Prince Loki?" Lady Sif said, blinking in befuddlement. 

"You have finally gotten old enough to feel the thirst," Loki whispered. "Please speak to the Allmother. She will help you."

Lady Sif stared at him in silence for a few moments. 

Then she lunged forward and kissed him on his lips. 

Alarmed, Loki sprang backwards. 

He fell onto his back. 

Lady Sif gasped. 

"I apologize, Lady Loki!" Lady Sif screamed. "I apologize for my sins!"

"Pardon?!" Loki said, blinking up at her in surprise.

I have not been called Lady Loki in eons, Loki thought. How did Sif know about my past? 

"Hades!" Lady Sif shrieked. "You are too beautiful, Loki! You'll be the death of me!"

Then she quickly stood up and fled from his bedchamber like a mad witch being chased by the Midgardian witch hunters. 

And Loki simply sat up and wondered what the hell was wrong with her.

A few minutes after Lady Sif fled from his bedchamber, Hogun arrived like a bloodhound chasing rabbits. 

"Did Lady Sif accost you, Prince Loki?" Hogun demanded. "If Lady Sif accosted you, I will punish her for her sins, Prince Loki!"

"N-Nay!" Loki said, hastily standing and putting his hands in front of him to show he carried no knives. 

"I will not harm you, Prince Loki!" Hogun said, angrily. "I would punish Lady Sif for her sins, not you! You have done nothing wrong, Prince Loki!"

Loki blinked at him. "Pardon?"

"Please, do not be afraid of me," Hogun said, huffing like a man who was attempting to restrain himself from knocking down trees. "I am not Aesir. I'm Vanir. Therefore, you do not need to fear me, Prince Loki. I'm not like those brutes! I was born and raised with the Vanir!"

Loki simply stood there and wondered what the hell had happened between Lady Sif and Hogun the Grim to lead Hogun to make such declarations. 

"Very well?" Loki said, cautiously. "I will not be afraid of you?"

His hands were still being held up in front of him, he realized, so he slowly put them down. 

"Thank you, my prince," Hogun said, softly. "I will protect you from Lady Sif. You need not fear her hedonism."

"Hedonism?" Loki said, tilting his head. "What are you on about, boy?"

"She bit you!" Hogun said, with the air of a man who'd just been made aware of a violent crime. "She told the Allmother that she bit you, Loki!"

Loki winced. 

"Aha!" Hogun said. "Is it true? I will punish her for her sins!"

"No you will not, Hogun!" Loki shouted. "You will not punish her!"

"But she bit you, Loki!" Hogun screamed. "She attacked my prince!"

"No, no, no," Loki said, shaking his head. "Um, ah, uh... it was my fault!"

"What?!" Hogun bellowed, like a man who had just witnessed the brutal murder of a toddling babe.

"I must have tempted her!" Loki yelled, stomping his foot. "Therefore, you must not punish Lady Sif! Instead, you may punish me!"

"No!" Hogun shrieked. "That is not justice, Loki! That is not justice!"

Loki closed his eyes and took a deep breath. 

He knew he needed to figure out a way to deescalate this conflict, else Hogun and Lady Sif would end up killing each other in a pointless warrior's duel. 

"I apologize for losing my temper," Hogun said, stiffly. 

Loki nodded, opened his eyes, and tried to give Hogun his most charming smile. 

Hogun scowled. "Loki!"

"Y-Yes?" Loki said. 

"Bloody hell!" Hogun said. "Please don't give people permission to punish you, Prince Loki! Why would you say such a foolish thing?"

Loki blinked. "Beg pardon?"

"Please," Hogun said, through gritted teeth. "Please understand me when I say this, Prince Loki. I am not Aesir!"

"Yes?" Loki said. "I heard you when you said that earlier, Hogun."

"Their ways are not my ways!" Hogun insisted. "I was born and raised with the Vanir!"

"Aye?" Loki said. 

"I will protect you from the Aesir, Prince Loki!" Hogun shouted. "Please allow me to protect my shield brother! I will not let Lady Sif bite you again!"

"Very well?" Loki said, cautiously. "But please don't punish Lady Sif for her mistake?"

"She deserves to be punished, Loki!" Hogun cried. "She was very rude to my prince errant!"

Then the big man was sobbing like a little boy. 

Hogun was not as tall or as muscular as Thor, but he was still a large warrior. He was not as blonde as Thor, for his hair was often teasingly called dirty blonde, but he was still a confident man who had always carried himself like a fiercesome Viking. 

Today, however, he looked like a sad orphan boy that had just lost his family in a tragic fire. 

Not knowing what else to do, Loki simply opened his arms in invitation. 

Much as Lady Sif had done, Hogun threw himself into the hug. 

Much as he had already done for Lady Sif, Loki did his best to comfort the man. 

They stood there holding each other for a few minutes while Hogun cried. 

Then Fandral burst into the bedchamber and shouted, "Get away from Prince Loki, elf! I know you will seduce him with your Vanir magic!"

"No!" Loki shouted. "He is not a wizard, Fandral! He will not seduce anyone!"

"I'm not a wizard, you dirty Aesir!" Hogun cried, still sobbing like a heart broken little boy. "Get the hell away from us, Aesir!"

"Get away from Prince Loki, you evil little dark elf!" Fandral shrieked. 

At least he isn't brandishing his sword, Loki thought. 

Then Thor finally showed up, grabbed Fandral, and threw Fandral over his shoulder like a conquering Viking. 

"I apologize, Loki!" Thor shouted. "The blood moon is out tonight!"

Fandral was screaming his head off, at this point, but Thor simply carried him out of Loki's bedchamber. 

Then Hogun was pulling away from Loki's arms and kneeling on the ground. 

"Please leave Asgard with me, my prince!" Hogun shouted, with the desperation of a man who was about to lose his livelihood. "I fear you will lose your life if you remain on Asgard!"

"Very well!" Loki said. "But I refuse to visit the Vanir!"

"We will go to Midgard!" Hogun said, nodding and smiling up at Loki even as tears continued to fall down his face. "I will keep you safe on Midgard and Thor will join us when he is able! The two of us will protect you from the Aesir!"

"Why do I need to be protected from the Aesir, Hogun?" Loki said, scowling. "What the bloody hell has happened today?"

"I cannot explain, sire!" Hogun said. "I will explain once we are safe?"

"I suppose I have no choice?" Loki said, tilting his head.

"Nay!" Hogun said. "I will give my prince every choice under the sun! If my prince would like to stay in his bedchamber, I will guard his bedchamber!"

"Good!" Loki said. "I do not want to visit Midgard! You may stand guard outside of my bedchamber! Outside, Hogun! Be a good knight, yes? Outside!"

"Yessir!" Hogun said. 

He sprang up, saluted Loki like a Midgardian military man, and then left Loki's bedchamber. 

For the next several weeks, every time Loki left his bedchamber, he found that Hogun was still standing outside of his door with his sword held up. 

He was like those men in front of the Queen of England's castle with their red coats and their tall hats. 

When Loki left his bedchamber, Hogun would follow him everywhere he went. He did this as grimly as his reputation would expect of him. 

Hogun the Grim simply shadowed Loki like a dark elf and everyone else in Asgard's palace made way for the two of them. 

He did this silently. Hogun said not a word to Loki and Loki said not a word to him. 

Loki simply accepted that this odd Vanir had turned himself into a bodyguard and allowed the boy to do as he liked. 

Eventually, Loki decided to speak to Hogun again. 

"Are you well, Hogun?" Loki said, softly. 

"Yes, my prince!" Hogun said. "Are you well, Prince Loki?"

"Yes, Hogun," Loki said, sighing. 

"What would you have me do, Prince Loki?" Hogun said, as dutifully as a knight errant. "Would you have me fetch something for you? Would you like me to leave you in peace? Erm, the blood moon has passed, so I will leave if my prince would like me to leave?"

"Hogun," Loki said, as gently as possible. "What has gotten into you this decade? Have you lost your mind?"

"No sire," Hogun said. 

Then Hogun winced. 

"I meant to say prince!" Hogun said, urgently. "Because I acknowledge that my Loki is a prince!"

"Very well?" Loki said, frowning in puzzlement. "I hope I can trust you not to get into any foolish warrior's duels on my behalf?"

"Yes, my prince!" Hogun said, grinning widely. "I will not get into any warrior's duels!"

"Good," Loki said. "Might I ask... are your parents well?"

"My parents have finally perished," Hogun said, proudly.

As if it were a good thing. 

"Do you seek a godfather, Hogun?" Loki said, raising an eyebrow. 

"Yes, my prince!" Hogun said. "Would you be my godfather, Prince Loki?"

"Yes, Hogun," Loki said. "But would you please calm down? Thor will not throw you out of the castle if you fail to bodyguard me. Would you please relax?"

Hogun laughed. "Might I visit you in your bedchamber tonight, Prince Loki? I swear, I will not bite you!"

"Yes?" Loki said. "I did not expect you to bite me, Hogun."

Hogun nodded, laughed cheerfully, and then opened his arms in invitation for a hug. 

Loki gave the poor orphan a hug. 

Then he pulled Hogun into his bedchamber, sat Hogun down upon his bed, and cuddled the poor man who had lost his family. 

Hogun fell asleep in his arms. 

Then Loki fell asleep as well. 

The next morning, Lady Sif was in Loki's bedchamber. 

"Aha!" Lady Sif shouted. "I knew you could not be trusted, Hogun the Grim! You have seduced my Prince Loki!"

"Nay!" Loki said. "We did not copulate, Lady Sif!"

"We did not copulate, Lady Sif!" Hogun shouted. "You must leave!"

"Nay!" Lady Sif shrieked. "You must leave, Hogun! Get away from Prince Loki! He does not want you, Hogun! He favors women!"

"Bloody hell!" Hogun screamed. "Leave Prince Loki alone, Lady Sif! He does not want you!"

Loki simply sat there as the two of them continued to scream at each other. 

This time, Thor and Fandral both came into his bedchamber and they each bundled Lady Sif and Hogun back outside with them. 

Fandral grabbed Lady Sif and threw her over his shoulder, but Thor only needed to grab Hogun by his elbow in order to lead him out of Loki's bed. 

Obediently, Hogun allowed himself to be pulled by the elbow while glancing back at Loki in a beseeching manner. 

Loki closed his eyes, shook his head, and sighed. 

Once he was alone in his bedchamber, he decided to read a book. 

A few weeks after this incident, Fandral knocked on Loki's door. 

"I am a vampire!" Fandral announced. 

"Very well?" Loki said. "Have you spoken to the Allmother?"

"Aye," Fandral said, grinning. "She has given me her wisdom, Prince Loki."

"Very well?" Loki said. "What do you seek?"

"I would like to give Prince Loki permission to bite me whenever he would like to bite me," Fandral said, chuckling light heartedly. "And I would like to promise that I will never bite anyone without permission?"

"Good lad," Loki said. "Would you like to come inside?"

"Yes, my prince!" Fandral said, as eagerly as a horny adolescent. "Will my prince bite me if I come inside?"

"Yes, Fandral," Loki said, impatiently. "Come inside!"

"Yessir!" Fandral said, giggling. 

Loki realized just then that Fandral was drunk. 

He decided that this did not bother him a wit. He pulled Fandral into his bedchamber. 

A month later, Lady Sif knocked on his door. 

"I apologize for biting you without permission, Prince Loki!" Lady Sif yelled. "Please punish me for my sins!"

"I refuse!" Loki said. "But I will bite you!"

"Yes!" Lady Sif shrieked, opening her arms. "Please bite me, Loki! Please!"

He pulled her into his bedchamber and gave the poor young woman a hug. 

She began sobbing uncontrollably, so he gently rocked her until she fell asleep.

When she woke up, a few hours later, she stuttered like a schoolgirl and then fled from his bedchamber. 

He was not surprised by this, so he merely shrugged and picked up another one of his books. 

Loki knew she would simply come back when she had gained more confidence. 

However, before he could get far with his reading, Hogun burst into the bedchamber like a bloodhound that was continuing his hunt for rabbits. 

"Are you well, Prince Loki?" Hogun said, urgently. "Did Lady Sif bite you?"

"She did not bite me, Hogun," Loki said, warily. "Are you well, Hogun?"

"No sir!" Hogun said. "I miss you terribly, Loki!"

"I miss you too, Hogun," Loki said, gently. "Why have you failed to visit me?"

"I did not want to bother you!" Hogun said, with the air of a man who thought himself a beast. 

Loki sighed. 

"I'm not like these brutes!" Hogun cried. "I will not harm you, Prince Loki! I will not hound you!" 

"I understand," Loki said. "Will you please settle down and allow me to hug you? Did I not say I would be your godfather?"

"Please don't force yourself, Prince Loki," Hogun said, sniffing. "I will not hound you!"

"Aye!" Loki said. "I have not been hounded! Please calm yourself, Hogun?"

Hogun took a deep breath, then said, "Um, I apologize for behaving like a Midgardian witch hunter?"

"I forgive you, of course," Loki said, magnanimously. "Please sit yourself down? You may sit wherever you like? And stay for as long as you'd like? Then leave, whenever you would like?"

"I fear I will never leave, Prince Loki," Hogun whispered. "I fear you will need to cast me out of your bedchamber, else I will never leave."

"You silly little boy," Loki said, chuckling. "Do you think I will be crushed simply because you are taller than me? You think me incapable of defending my own body, my own heart, and my own honor?"

Hogun scowled, looked away, and then looked back at Loki and said, "Yes!"

"There lies the problem," Loki said, wagging his finger at Hogun like a stern school mistress. "What shall we do about this, sir?"

"No, Loki!" Hogun said, glaring at his feet. "You are a prince! I am nothing and you are a prince!"

"Might you be my prince errant, Hogun?" Loki said. "So that we may both conduct ourselves as equal fellows?"

Hogun scowled. "No!"

"No?" Loki said, tilting his head. "Whyever not?"

"Because you are a prince, Loki!" Hogun said, stubbornly. "And I live to serve my prince!"

Loki smirked. "Aye? Then how will you serve me, Hogun?"

Hogun blushed. 

"Will you be my bed warmer, Hogun?" Loki said, coyly looking up at Hogun. "Will you be my knight errant?"

"Yes," Hogun said, breathlessly. "Please?"

"Very well," Loki said. "Will you please stop barking at Lady Sif like a mad dog? The poor girl has done nothing wrong."

Hogun huffed. 

Then, with obvious reluctance, he said, "I will allow you to enjoy Lady Sif's company whenever you wish, my prince? Because I would give my Prince Loki every choice under the sun."

"Good boy," Loki cooed. "Come and warm my bed?"

Hogun grinned, giggled, and then eagerly got into Loki's bed. 

Loki gave the man a pat on his head. 

Then he kissed Hogun on his nose, on his cheeks, and on his forehead. 

The big warrior reacted as if he'd just been given a pot of gold. 

"I love you!" Hogun said, exuberantly. "I love you, Prince Loki!"

"I love you too, Hogun," Loki said, fondly. "Please be a good warrior and behave yourself from now on? Don't go waving your sword around all willy nilly?"

"Yes, my prince," Hogun said, reverently. "I shall put my sword down. I will only raise my sword when my prince tells me to raise it?"

"Good lad," Loki said, airily. "That is only proper."

Hogun beamed at him. 

Then he finally relaxed and allowed Loki to cuddle him once more. They stretched out in Loki's bed, companionably, and eventually fell asleep together. 

A few months later, Loki caught Thor weeping in the Allmother's garden. 

He might not have known that Thor was weeping if he hadn't chosen to stroll through the Allmother's garden at that exact moment. 

But he had, so he saw Thor's heartbreak for himself. 

He approached Thor, cautiously, and said, "What is the matter, brother?"

Thor tried to hide his face away, but Loki gently took hold of Thor's wrists and lowered his hands. 

"Brother?" Loki said. "Why do you cry?"

"I apologize!" Thor said, blinking his tears away like a schoolboy that had just been caught committing an illicit crime. "I did not mean to cry, Loki!"

"I will not scold you, Thor," Loki said. "Will you tell me what is the matter?"

"No!" Thor cried. "I will not!"

"Is this about Lady Sif?" Loki said, tilting his head. "Did she break your heart?"

"No!" Thor sobbed. "She did not!"

"Would you like a hug, Thor?" Loki said. 

"Yes, brother!" Thor shouted, enthusiastically opening his arms. "Please hug me, Prince Loki!"

Loki gave Thor a hug. 

Then he led Thor out of the Allmother's garden. 

He brought Thor back to Thor's bedchamber and bundled him into his own bed. 

"Please don't leave, Loki!" Thor cried. "Please!"

"I won't leave," Loki said. "Would you like me to take a nap with you, Thor?"

"Yes!" Thor said. "But please don't force yourself, Loki! You may leave if you would like to leave!"

Loki frowned. "I beg your pardon?"

At this point, Thor was sobbing like a frightened little boy. He was no longer able to speak in order to explain himself. 

Loki shrugged. 

Then he got into Thor's bed. 

He gave Thor the same comforting cuddles that he had been giving to the other traumatized warriors he found in King Odin's castle. 

King Odin was a war mongering imperialist. It was clear to Loki that King Odin's warriors were suffering from an ailment that the Midgardian's would have called PTSD. 

When he hugged Thor, Thor clung to him the same way the other warriors would cling on like desperate warriors lost at sea. 

Loki decided to sing a comforting campfire song while Thor continued to cry hysterically. 

Eventually, Thor fell asleep. 

Loki slept too. 

Chapter Text

The man was red headed and much taller than Loki. He was as tall as Volstagg, but much slimmer. He was a willowy man in a green Vanir tunic and brown breeches. 

His face was an eerie copy of Loki's own face, but his height and red hair distinguished him as Vanir. 

He wore his long red hair in a braid which gently fell down his back. 

"Oh?" the red head said, when he first laid eyes on Loki. "Are you a bastard prince?"

"I beg your pardon?!" Loki said, hotly. "You bite your thumb at me?" 

"I do not bite my thumb," the red head said. "But you are my mirror image. Will you pretend there are no eyeballs in your head, cousin?"

Loki scowled up at the tall red head. 

"You must be a bastard," the red head said. "Otherwise, why would you carry my likeness around with you, hmm? My face is your face. You are simply smaller than me, cousin."

"Bugger off," Loki said, angrily. "You must be the bastard, not I! I am the son of Odin Allfather!"

"Aye?" the red head said. "I am also the son of Odin Allfather."

Loki blinked. 

"I have a Vanir mother," the red head added. "She named me Gelid Cozen."

"Is that so?" Loki said, frowning thoughtfully. "Then you are a bastard. You acknowledge that you are a bastard? I myself am not a bastard!"

"Aye," Gelid said, chuckling in amusement. "I am your bastard half brother."

Loki huffed. "Why are you on Asgard?"

"I simply enjoy Asgard?" Gelid said. "Asgard has opened its doors to the Vanir. Eons ago. Is that not so, cousin?"

"It is so," Loki said, sighing. 

Furtively, he glanced around the feasting hall to see who had noticed Gelid Cozen. 

It looked like all of Asgard itself had noticed. The people quickly glanced away when Loki looked at them, but they were not quick enough. 

There was no way to miss the tall Loki twin, for he was the tallest man in the room. Without Volstagg the Enormous present, there were none that could rival Gelid Cozen's impressive height. 

If Volstagg were here, he would be the bigger man! Loki thought. Volstagg is just as tall as this Vanir, but he is also very wide! Volstagg would be able to crush him!

But Volstagg was not in the room with them. 

The other Asgardians were politely keeping their gazes away from Loki when Loki looked at them, for he was a prince, but he knew they would be looking towards him and his bastard half brother the moment he took his eyes off them. 

"Would you like to leave this place?" Gelid said, softly. 

"Yes!" Loki said, impatiently. 

He held his right hand out toward the bastard Vanir. 

The big man grasped Loki's hand and allowed Loki to teleport elsewhere. 

Loki took him to his favored library nook. 

He knew they would not be disturbed in his favored library nook. 

Then he interrogated the man about his Vanir mother and asked him all that he knew of their shared birth father. 

It was an illuminating conversation.  

Thor was on Jötunheimr for one of Odin's war campaigns when he met Loki's twin brother. 

Loki was not in the war party. Odin Allfather had forbidden him from joining their war party, which had upset Loki terribly, but Odin said Loki was too young to go to war. 

However, it soon became clear to Thor and the Warriors Three that the real reason Odin had forbidden Loki from joining their war party was simply that he feared Loki's real family would capture him. 

Loki's twin brother was much larger than Loki, but he had the same face that Loki had. The same beautifully aggressive grin while he fought, the same soulful eyes that glared at all before him, and the very same magical glow about him while he used his sorcery to defeat every warrior that approached him. 

The twin brother was blue, like the other Jötnar, but his hair was long and pale as the moonlight. 

The other Jötnar were bald, for the most part, but Jötnar Loki's hair was as long as his feet and it was as white as the very snow. He had tied it in plaits, but even so it was thick enough to get in his way while he defended himself against the warriors in Odin's war party with two large knives that had been fashioned out of ice. 

When the beautiful Jötnar Loki tripped over his own hair, Thor gallantly came to his defense against a sword that almost took Jötnar Loki's head. 

The Warriors Three reacted in the same way that Thor had reacted. They defended Loki's twin brother against the other Asgardians. 

When the Asgardian warriors saw that their Prince Thor and his Warriors Three were defending a Jötnar, the war was halted rather abruptly.

Then warriors on both sides, Asgardian and Jötnar alike, simply stood before each other in confusion with their weapons held up. 

None were using their weapons, but none would put them down. 

Then Loki's mysterious twin brother spoke into the eerie silence. 

"Why have you held your breaths, Aesir?" Jötnar Loki said, softly. "Did you spy a ghost in the snow?"

"Aye!" Thor cried. 

He threw down his hammer. It quickly sank into the snow and was lost. 

"I have seen my very own brother!" Thor shouted. "And I would not see a hair on his head injured in this battle! None may harm this man before me! For he is as lovely as the moonlight and I would grieve his death!"

The Asgardians were confused by this declaration, but Odin Allfather himself was not on Jötunheimr with them. He had sent Thor to lead the army, so the army had no choice but to obey their prince. 

All of the Asgardian warriors in their war party cautiously lowered their weapons.

The Jötnar did not lower their weapons, but they did not attack. Instead, they looked towards the Jötnar Loki to see what he would do. 

He lay in the snow for a moment, looking baffled, but then he stood up and angrily shouted, "You would grieve my death?!"

"Aye!" Thor said. "I would grieve your death!" 

"Why would you grieve my death?" Jötnar Loki said, incredulously. "I am but a tiny little Gelid rolling in the snow? I am simply a snowflake. Much smaller than my brethren. There is nothing to grieve?"

"I would grieve the fair Gelid!" Hogun the Grim shrieked. "I would protect him or die trying!"

Jötnar Loki scowled at Hogun. 

"Aye!" Fandral the Dashing shouted. "I would protect the fair Gelid or die trying!"

"Aye aye!" Volstagg the Enormous yelled. "I would protect the fair Gelid or die trying!"

Jötnar Loki glared at them as if he had just been grievously insulted, but Thor ignored the peevish look on Jötnar Loki's face, for it was a very familiar expression. He knew that Loki was a proud man who would rather be stabbed than watch another man protect him from a stabbing, but seeing such a familiarly wounded look on Jötnar Loki's face only motivated him further. He was determined to save Loki's odd Jötnar twin!

"We must end the war!" Thor shouted. "For the fair Gelid will not put down his sword until the war has been ended!" 

"Aye aye!" Hogun screamed. "We must end the war!"

"Very well!" Jötnar Loki shrieked. "Get off of our planet, Aesir! You do not belong on Jötunheimr in the first place, naughty imperialists!" 

The other Jötnar cheered when Jötnar Loki said this. 

"Praise Gelid the Fair!" one of them yelled. "He will win us our peace!"

"Praise Gelid the Fair!" another Jötnar shouted, while laughing hysterically. "He is a witch in the moonlight! As beautiful as he is tiny and as mad as he is beloved!"

Jötnar Loki huffed, rolled his eyes, and then teleported away with a burst of blue light. 

It was just the same way that Thor's Loki would always teleport when he felt that he had been disrespected, but his Loki would use green magic instead of blue magic. 

Apart from this small difference, the Jötnar twin was just the same as Loki. 

"Come back, Gelid Loki!" Thor shouted. "Please come back!"

"He told us to get off of his planet, Thor," Volstagg said, chuckling nervously. "We must leave, else the war will continue?"

"Aye!" Hogun said. "We must leave!"

"But I want to give Gelid Loki a goodbye hug!" Thor cried. 

Instead of finding the man and giving him a hug, Thor was pulled onto the Bifrost by Heimdall. 

The entire Asgardian army came with him and found Odin Allfather standing beside Heimdall and his Council of Wise Men. 

"What has happened to you, Thor?" Odin said, disapprovingly. "You make a mockery of Asgard?"

"It is you that has made a mockery of Asgard, Odin One Eye!" Thor bellowed, for he felt more furious with his father than he had ever felt before. "Why is there a Loki twin on Jötunheimr?!"

Odin frowned, then looked toward Heimdall and said, "Does my son speak the truth or is he raving?"

"He speaks the truth," Heimdall said. "Loki Odinson has a twin brother on Jötunheimr. Gelid the Fair is his older brother. Gelid the Fair is his taller brother. Gelid the Fair is a Loki twin."

Odin scowled at Heimdall. "You failed to tell me this, Watcher."

"Did I?" Heimdall said, tilting his head. "Or did you fail to ask?"

"Naughty djinn!" Odin shouted. "I will have you killed for your insolence!"

"Naughty Aesir!" Hogun bellowed. "I will slay the evil king of Asgard for his prejudice!" 

The other Asgardian warriors were a mingled group of Aesir and Vanir. The Vanir in the army lifted their swords and cheered. 

The Aesir men simply looked confused. 

Thor himself felt confused. 

"What is a djinn?" Thor said, in bafflement. 

"I am a djinn," Heimdall said, calmly. "For your father has enslaved me with his magic."

"What?!" Thor said, gasping. 

The other Aesir were also gasping in dismay. 

"Kill the Aesir king!" one of the Vanir soldiers shouted. "The Aesir king must die for his crime against the nine realms! Slavery was outlawed eons ago, Aesir scum!"

"Eons ago!" Hogun bellowed. "It was outlawed eons ago, King Odin! How dare you?!"

Odin used his magic to teleport with a bright flash of golden light. 

The Asgardian army was simply left standing there, in confusion once more. 

Heimdall smiled at them. 

"I had no idea, Heimdall!" Hogun cried. "Were you forbidden from voicing your plight?!"

"Aye," Heimdall said. "I must only answer questions that are asked by King Odin or by Prince Thor, when my nature is concerned."

"You must depose your father, Prince Thor," Volstagg said, stoically. "I will help you depose him."

"Aye!" Thor shouted. "We must seek justice for Heimdall's plight!"

"Aye!" Fandral cried. 

Then Fandral was sobbing like a little boy and Volstagg was giving him a comforting hug. 

The Vanir men and the Aesir men began discussing what they knew and didn't know of the djinn who had been enslaved by previous kings. 

Days later, Odin Allfather was magically banished from Asgard's planet. 

They could not find him because he had fled for his life, but Heimdall showed Thor how to use his own blood to prevent Odin One Eye Allfather from returning to Asgard. 

He also showed Thor how to use his own blood to free Heimdall from the magical djinn slavery contract that Odin One Eye had used to trap him.

Then Heimdall calmly explained that Odin One Eye had used the very same djinn slavery spell against Loki. 

They also needed to use blood magic to free Loki. Heimdall helped Thor unbind Loki's hidden slavery chains. 

Seconds after this was done, Gelid Loki teleported into the kingly bedchamber and shouted, "I would have my brother returned to me, Aesir scum!"

"Wait!" Thor said. "My brother does not know he is from Jötunheimr! He has lived his life in innocent ignorance!"

"I would have my kin returned to me!" Gelid Loki repeated, stubbornly. "How dare you keep him from me?!"

"You may visit him whenever you wish!" Thor shouted. "Please do not take my brother from me!"

Gelid Loki scowled at Thor, with tears in his eyes, and simply said, "Aye!"

Then he disappeared again with a bright flash of blue light. 

Thor was left behind with Heimdall.

"What should we do, sire?" Heimdall said, softly. "Should we tell Loki of his nature?"

"Do you think Loki would be terribly upset if we told him?" Thor said, hesitantly. 

"Yes," Heimdall said. "Your mother had a vision. She said Loki will throw himself off of the Bifrost when he learns of his nature."

"No!" Thor cried. "We cannot let Loki throw himself off the Bifrost!" 

"His twin brother will return for him," Heimdall said. "When Loki sees his twin brother, his own nature will be obvious to him. Unless Loki's Jötunn twin were to disguise himself as a Vanir twin?"

Thor frowned. "Would Gelid Loki agree to do something like that?"

Abruptly, Gelid Loki teleported back into the kingly bedchamber. He had used magic to change himself. 

Now, he looked as pale as the Loki that Thor knew best and his hair was as red headed as Volstagg's fair hair. 

"I demand the right to share custody of my younger brother!" Gelid Loki shouted, triumphantly. "I will be his Vanir twin! Allow me to adopt my orphan, King Thor!"

"Aye!" Thor cried. "I grant you every permission, but please do not take my brother to Jötunheimr! He would be frightened if you took him there!"

"Aye!" Gelid Loki yelled, with tears falling down his face. "I will visit him here on Asgard and I shall not kidnap him!"

Then the tall Loki, who was taller than Thor but shorter than Heimdall, disappeared once more with more flashing blue lights. 

Thor began to weep like a little boy. 

Heimdall politely asked him if he would like a hug. 

"You do not have to hug me, Heimdall!" Thor sobbed. "You may leave Asgard whenever you wish to leave, Heimdall! For you are a free man, Heimdall!"

"Aye," Heimdall said. "But I would prefer to stay, Thor. I love you like a son. May I hug my son, Thor Heimson?"

"Aye!" Thor cried, opening his arms. "I will hug my father whenever he would like a hug, Heimdall!" 

They embraced. 

They never saw Odin again, for he had been banished from Asgard with Blood Magic. 

They told the people that Odin had died during his naughty war and that his death was not noble, for his war had not been noble. 

The people rejoiced and said they would worship King Thor. 

Then the Allmother decreed that all were forbidden from telling Loki anything about what had happened on Jötunheimr. 

She told them, sternly, that she would not allow her youngest son to throw himself off the Bifrost. 

This new law was put into place and respected. They told Loki nothing, for it was forbidden, and they behaved as if they were surprised when Loki's mysterious Vanir twin appeared on Asgard and politely asked Loki if he was a bastard princeling. 

Thor hoped the entire matter would soon be put to rest. 

"You see?" Gelid said. "They lied to you."

"I know they lied to me!" Loki yelled. "Calm yourself!"

"I am calm," Gelid said. "It is you that must calm yourself, brother."

"I am not your brother!" Loki screamed. 

"Calm yourself, sister," Gelid said, smirking. 

"I am not your sister!" Loki shrieked. "Nor am I your daughter! You think you can use my true nature against me? No you cannot! I will not acknowledge it!" 

"Your true nature is also my true nature," Gelid said. "I would not use it against you?"

"You called me your sister!" Loki shouted. "I will not forgive this disrespect!" 

"I apologize, brother," Gelid said. "My culture is different from your culture. On Jötunheimr a sister is an elevated title. A lady is a respected dam and a brother is below a sister."

Loki tilted his head. "Oh?"

Gelid grinned, leaned forward, and said, "You are my elder, Loki. I am only taller because the gravity on Jötunheimr is different than the gravity on Asgard. I grew more quickly, but I am half your age."

"Half my age?" Loki said, incredulously. "How could you possibly know that?"

Gelid tossed his lovely white hair over his shoulder and announced, "I am one century, two decades, and three years."

Loki frowned, thoughtfully, and suspiciously squinted up at his tall doppelganger. 

"Am I your elder or am I your younger?" Gelid said, waggling his eyebrows. 

"Y-you," Loki paused to clear his throat, then said, "You are much younger than me, Gelid. If you can be trusted to speak truthfully, that is, which you obviously cannot! Therefore, I cannot know if you are truly my younger or if you are a twin who is exactly as old as I am!"

"Hmm," Gelid said. "How old are you, Loki?"

"It is very rude to ask a man for his age!" Loki shouted. "I will not tell you!"

"Is that so?" Gelid said. "I apologize. I had no idea it was very rude?"

Loki huffed. 

"Your mother has claimed you are not her son," Gelid said, gently. "Your father has fled Asgard. What will you do, Loki?"

"I will not do a bloody thing!" Loki said. "You think I care if my mother disowns me? I do not care a wit!" 

"I will adopt you," Gelid said, with the air of a man who was happy to carry elephants. 

"No!" Loki said. "You will not!"

"You are mine!" Gelid insisted. "I am yours!"

"Aye!" Loki said. "But I will not abandon Thor!" 

"Very well?" Gelid said. "You may visit King Thor whenever you like?"

Loki glared at his feet. 

"What troubles you, cousin?" Gelid said. "Have the Aesir been hounding you like naughty vampires?"

Loki winced. 

"Aha," Gelid said, with another knowing smirk. "They have discovered your true nature and now they drool over you like lions put before a gazelle?" 

"Silence!" Loki shrieked. "You must not speak of these things, brother!"

"Is that so?" Gelid said, tilting his head. "Why must we not speak of these things?"

Loki covered his face with his hands. 

"Brother," Gelid whispered. "I will not harm you."

Loki teleported. 

Thor wanted to help Loki, but he did not know how to help his brother. 

The Allmother had decided that she would say that Loki was the son of Odin, but that he was not her son. She fabricated a story stating that he had been a bastard son that was born when his naughty father was playing with a Vanir princess. 

Loki was terribly upset by this. He cried for many weeks, but he did not throw himself off the rainbow bridge. The Allmother was satisfied. 

Thor was not satisfied, but he was glad that Gelid Loki had not kidnapped his rightful brother. He simply visited his rightful brother whenever Loki was willing to humor him. 

Loki was rarely happy to see Gelid Loki. He did not enjoy having a mysterious older brother. Nor did he enjoy being a bastard prince. 

Thor tried to comfort Loki, but Loki would teleport whenever Thor approached him. He would only allow Hogun and Fandral into his bedchamber. 

Lady Sif was upset by this. She pounded on Loki's door and demand entrance, but she was not granted entrance. 

Fandral challenged her to a warrior's duel and then he used a knife to shave off all of her hair. He said she deserved to be punished for being prejudiced against Jötunheimr's lovely Frost Giants. 

Sif cried while she was bald, but her hair soon grew back. 

Thor hoped Loki would eventually venture out of his bedchamber, but he did not. He locked himself away and he would ask Hogun and Fandral to fetch books for him. 

Volstagg said they should all leave Loki in peace, but Thor missed his brother. He would knock on Loki's door and politely ask to be let inside.

He was always denied and sent away. 

Then, exactly one year after Odin fled from Asgard, Loki disappeared. He simply vanished into the night. It was theorized that he had decided to run away from home, but none knew if that was the truth. 

When Gelid Loki was sought after during the investigation of Loki's disappearance, he was not found on Jötunheimr. He was not found in the Vanir Queendom. He was not found on Midgard.  

They had both vanished. 

And all of Asgard mourned the loss. 

Stephen was translating a difficult passage in the Darkhold when two Loki variants teleported into his office. 

He recognized the taller one as the Jötunheimr variant that had spent his life on The Jötunn People's largest ice planet. 

Today, this variant had chosen to make his hair red. He was still blue, but his hair was red. 

He was crying uncontrollably while carrying a smaller Loki variant, who was bleeding out of both of his wrists and both of his ankles. 

"Save my son!" the taller Loki variant shouted. "I demand you save my son, mageling! Now!" 

Stephen quickly grabbed one of those healing potions from Vanir's Queendom and used it to stop the smaller variant's bleeding. 

The smaller Loki variant had white hair. He was blue, just like his taller variant, but he was wearing Asgardian clothing. 

"Please lend him your magic!" the taller Loki cried. "You must give him Beauty Magic or he will be very upset! When he sees his own blue skin and his own white hair he will sob like a broken hearted little boy!"

"I don't have any Beauty Magic," Stephen said, as calmly as possible. "Can't you just explain to him that he is not ugly?"

"He does not believe me!" the taller Loki sobbed, while hugging the smaller variant to his chest. "He does not believe that he is as beautiful as the moonlight!"

The smaller Loki variant opened his eyes, flinched, and then teleported with a bright flash of green light. 

And the taller Loki variant sobbed like a broken hearted man. 

Stephen didn't know how to help them. 

"You must save my son!" the Jötunn Loki shrieked. "Save my son!"

"Alright," Stephen said. "I'll help you find him."

"He must not perish!" Jötunn Loki cried. "He must not die on Midgard, else I will start a war with Midgard!"

"You don't need to threaten me," Stephen said, impatiently. "I'll help you, sir. Please calm yourself."

"I will not be calm!" Jötunn Loki sobbed. "My son has been wronged! My son has been wronged by Odin One Eye Allfather! My son was trapped on Asgard's planet by Odin One Eye Allfather and his naughty djinn spellwork!"

"Djinn spellwork?" Stephen said. "What is that?"

Angrily, Jötunn Loki pointed at the Darkhold that had been left open on Stephen's desk. The book glowed with blue light and the pages turned themselves to a passage that Stephen had never seen before. 

The passage was simply titled: Djinn Spellwork. 

"You must save my son!" Jötunn Loki bellowed, furiously. "Else I will murder Tony Stark, Viktor Shade, and Ho Yinsen! Save my son or these three men will die!"

Then Jötunn Loki teleported with a bright flash of blue light. 

Chapter Text

When one is fleeing for one's life, the key is a clever disguise. 

Therefore, Loki would disguise himself. He did not want Gelid Cozen to find him, so he changed his hair. 

He made himself look like a blonde man. Not platinum blonde. He did not want to look like an odd human with white hair. He wanted to look like a normal human with handsome blonde hair. 

Once Loki had done this, he told himself that he would begin anew on Midgard. He would simply pretend that he was human and live as an ordinary man. 

It seemed simple, at the time. 

However, it was not as simple as he had hoped. 

While exploring a Midgardian city that had simply been named London, Loki met a short Indian man who called himself Henry Yinsen. 

"Merlin?" Yinsen said, grinning at Loki like a man who had just spotted Saint Nick himself. "I haven't seen you in ages, mate."

"I believe you've mistaken me for someone else," Loki said, politely. "I'm not Merlin."

"Uh huh," Yinsen said, chuckling. "What'll it be this time? Drake the dragon? Joseph the Shepard?"

"You've mistaken me for someone else," Loki said, stubbornly. 

"Of course," Yinsen said, smirking. "You must be D. B. Cooper."

"Hah!" Loki laughed. "I have not been called D. B. Cooper in eons!"

"I knew it was you, Merlin!" Yinsen said, grinning aggressively. "Who're you trying to fool, huh? You're a silly little mageling."

Loki giggled. 

Then he squinted at Henry Yinsen and tried to remember when they had met. The short Indian man looked like an ordinary Indian man. He looked like a man who had only lived three decades, but Loki knew enough to know that the man was obviously much older than that. 

If he knew the name D. B. Cooper, he must have met Loki decades ago during one of Loki's short vacations on Midgard. 

"Is the Florida man in the room with us today?" Yinsen said, playfully. "Or will you simply call yourself Spaceboy like you used to do when we were at the Academy?"

"Academy?" Loki said, frowning. "Which academy?"

Yinsen tilted his head, hummed thoughtfully, and said, "I've been to so many academies, mate. I lose track of their names, but what does it matter? They're all the same, in any case."

"Oho," Loki said, chuckling. "Are you a professor that teaches magelings?"

"Of course?" Yinsen said, with a faux wounded look as he exaggeratedly clutched at his own heart. "My favored student has forgotten his professor already? It's only been a few decades, dragon. How could you forget me, hmm? I'm heart broken, sir."

Loki laughed, heartily, and then he leaned down towards Yinsen so he could seductively whisper in Yinsen's ear. 

"Do you still teach?" Loki murmured. "Or might you take a short vacation from your students?"

Yinsen blushed. "I would love to take a vacation with my favored moon dragon."

Loki blushed as well, cleared his throat, and then said, "Might I share your hearth, sir?"

"Yessir!" Yinsen said, as eagerly as a schoolboy that had just been offered a cauldron full of chocolates. "I would love to share my hearth with you."

Yinsen politely extended his left hand towards Loki. 

Gleefully, Loki took the man's hand and allowed the handsome Indian (who was much shorter than Loki himself but still very very handsome) to use his magic in order to teleport the both of them directly to his home. 

When they reached Henry Yinsen's house, the house lit up with magic all around them. The curtains opened themselves, the light fixtures glowed, the carpets rolled themselves out, and the coat rack politely extended a branch in an inviting manner, so that Loki could place his coat down. 

"You are a very impressive mage, sir," Loki said, approvingly. "Your home has been bathed in magic."

"I learned from the best, my dragon," Yinsen said, chuckling. "You can stay in my home whenever you'd like? It has already been opened to you. Come and go as you please?"

"Yessir!" Loki said, delighted by the invitation. "I will make myself at home and teach you all that I know?"

"You've already taught me everything you know?" Yinsen said, frowning in puzzlement. 

"Whoops," Loki said, chuckling nervously. "Um... in exchange for using one of your guest bedrooms I will... erm... I'll sing for you?"

"Sweetheart," Yinsen said, as gently as a prince errant. "You don't need to sing for me. You don't need to dance for me. You don't need to give me a kiss or a hug or a warm meal. I'm a man who has lived many decades. I know how to take care of myself. Can I simply enjoy your company whenever you'd like to visit me? You can come whenever you'd like and leave whenever you'd like?"

"Yessir!" Loki said, opening his arms in invitation for a hug. "May I give you a hug even though I don't need to give you a hug?"

"Yessir," Yinsen said, smiling fondly at Loki. 

Then the two of them hugged. 

It was a good decade. 

Loki lived with Henry Yinsen for an entire decade. 

However, exactly ten years after he moved in with Henry Yinsen, a dark wizard named Dr. Strange found them living in sin. 

He said they were forbidden from living like a Djinn and a Mage. 

The humans had irrational beliefs that they called sins. It was maddening, but Loki knew he had no choice but to respect the humans and their religions. 

So Loki said goodbye to Henry Yinsen because he did not want Dr. Strange to punish Henry Yinsen for living as a sinful mage. 

Their tale was not to be. 

Loki was pleasantly surprised when he ran into Thor while exploring a New York library. 

Thor was reading a large Midgardian tome. He was scowling at the pages as if they had personally wronged him. 

Hesitantly, Loki walked closer to Thor and tried to read over his shoulder. 

Thor must have spotted a shadow. He looked up. 

Then Thor gasped and shouted, "Loki!"

Loki flinched, teleported, and then scolded himself for behaving like a baby mageling. 

He teleported once more and returned to the library nook where he had found Thor, but Thor was gone. 

"Bloody hell," Loki said. "He must have gone somewhere... aha!"

Thor was running through the New York library like a bloodhound chasing rabbits. 

Loki teleported directly in front of him and yelled, "Halt, God of Thunder! Halt!"

Thor immediately halted, nearly ran into Loki, and then sprang backwards like a man who feared he would be smited by King Jupiter himself. 

"Loki!" Thor cried. "Please do not hide from me, brother!"

"Aye!" Loki shouted. "Please stop running like a mad man!"

Thor pointed an accusing finger at Loki and yelled, "You teleported at the very sight of me!"

"I apologize, brother," Loki huffed. "You shouted at the very sight of me?"

Thor cleared his throat and carefully said, "I apologize for shouting? I was simply surprised to see my Prince Loki with blonde hair and a taller figure? I have not seen my Prince Loki in ten long years?"

"Aye?" Loki said, glancing away from Thor. "Must I darken my hair for you?"

"Nay!" Thor said. "My Loki is lovely with any hair color he wishes to grace himself with!" 

Loki squinted at Thor suspiciously. 

Thor was smiling like a man who feared the gallows. 

"What is the matter, Thor?" Loki said. "Why are you on Midgard?"

"Why are you on Midgard, brother?" Thor retorted. 

Loki frowned. 

He did not want to tell Thor about his Jötunn doppelganger. Thor might harm the Jötunn Prince Gelid Cozen if he learned of the misunderstanding that had befallen them last decade. 

"I simply enjoy Midgard?" Loki said, tentatively. 

"I have been all over the nine realms for ten long years, Loki!" Thor said, angrily. "You have spent this entire time in New York, New York?"

"No," Loki said, scowling. "I was in London for most of the decade."

"Why were you in London?" Thor said, hotly. "How did you hide yourself from me?"

"Why does it matter, Thor?" Loki said. "I was only gone for a single decade! It's not as if I've never taken a decade vacation before?"

For some reason, Thor began to sob hysterically. 

Alarmed by the odd behavior, Loki opened his arms and raised his eyebrows. 

Thor threw himself into the hug and continued to cry like a heart broken little boy. 

"Is your mother well, Thor?" Loki said, softly. "Has someone died?"

"No!" Thor said. "No one has died, Loki!"

"Then why do you cry like this?" Loki said, puzzled. 

"Please do not hide from me, brother!" Thor said. "I will be a good king! Please do not hide from me!"

"I wasn't hiding from you?" Loki said. "I was simply living with a charming mage? I suppose his house was magically shielded from Heimdall's view?"

"Aha!" Thor said. 

Then Thor was laughing. 

I have never seen Thor laugh and cry like this before, Loki thought. Perhaps he is not enjoying his kingship as much as he once thought he would enjoy it.  

"Are you quite alright?" Loki said.

"I am well!" Thor cried, laughing hysterically. "I am very well on this day, Prince Loki!"

"Very well, King Thor!" Loki said, huffing impatiently. "Would you look around you, man? We are standing in a public library and you are making a scene!"

The humans around them were politely averting their gazes as they took note of two blonde men who were holding each other while the taller man cried and laughed himself silly. 

Loki knew that the two of them must have looked foolish. He wanted to teleport elsewhere, but he didn't want to kidnap Thor away from whatever quest he was on. 

"Might we find a better place to talk?" Loki said. "Central Park, perhaps?"

"Yes, sire!" Thor said. 

Loki blinked. 

Thor had never called him a sire before. 

"Sire?" Loki said, frowning. "I am not your sire, Thor. You are a king and I am a prince?"

"No!" Thor said. "You are a king and I am a Viking!"

"Don't you think you're a bit too old to be running around as a Viking, Thor?" Loki said, rolling his eyes. "Would you please put down your hammer and behave sensibly, for once in your life?"

These words triggered a renewed crying fit. Thor sobbed like a man who was witnessing a violent crime. 

Loki flinched and held himself still. 

He allowed Thor to hug him tightly for as long as Thor wanted to hug him.

The Midgardians in the library glanced over and tutted sympathetically. They did not scold Thor for crying in public. 

At least Thor will not be punished for conducting himself like a little boy, Loki thought. I'm glad for that, if nothing else. 

When Thor had finally calmed down enough to halt his crying he sniffed and said, "Will you please end your vacation, brother? Mother weeps in her garden. She misses you terribly."

"Is that so?" Loki said, scowling. "Did that woman not disown me?"

"She did not disown you, Loki!" Thor cried. "Mother loves you!"

"She told all of Asgard that I was not her son!" Loki shouted. "She disowned me!"

"No!" Thor yelled, fiercely. "She simply spoke the truth! You are not her blood son, but she adopted you and loves you despite the fact that you are not her blood son!"

"Lies!" Loki shrieked. 

Then he teleported. 

Loki landed in Central Park, alone, and angrily paced around the park while he attempted to decide what he should do with himself. 

He had lost Henry Yinsen's hearth because the dark wizard Dr. Strange found their marriage sinful and objectionable. 

He had lost Asgard's hearth because Odin had committed a crime against Heimdall.

He had lost so many hearths, over the eons, but Loki would not go to Jötunheimr's largest ice planet. 

If he went there, he would be the smallest man on the planet!

That would be unacceptable, so Loki would not go there. 

While he was thinking these thoughts, a young Hispanic woman walked through the park with a casual air about her. 

She glanced at Loki, coyly, and said, "Moon Dragon?"

Loki frowned at her. "Who be you, child?"

"America Chavez," the Hispanic woman said. "But my true name is America Chavez Gomez Addams Loki Wednesday Draco."

Loki grinned at her. "You aim to capture a genie in a bottle?"

"No, sir," America said, pouting playfully. "I'm looking for Uncle Five?"

"Aha!" Loki said, opening his arms invitingly. "I will be your Five Hawtrey?"

America grinned, wagged her finger at him, and said, "No sir?"

"No?" Loki said, tilting his head. "You are not a young woman who seeks a godfather?"

"I am indeed a young woman who seeks a godfather," America said, nodding firmly. "But I am also a superhero who would like to rescue a lost mutant?"

Loki carefully thought through the words she had spoken. 

She waited patiently while he attempted to untangle her meaning. 

Before he could decide on his next course of action, Thor flew over their heads with his magical hammer and shouted, "Wait, Loki! Do not teleport!"

Loki shouted, "Please run, America Chavez! Please run away from here!"

America nodded and then dutifully ran away from Loki like a good goddaughter.

I will find my goddaughter at a later time, Loki thought. First, I must deal with King Thor, of Asgard. 

Thor tried to land as gently as possible, but his Thunder Magic was as wild as his own wildly beating heart. 

Loki flinched back from him like a frightened little Jötunn Midget, so Thor immediately threw down his hammer and knelt upon the ground.

"I apologize, brother!" Thor shouted, desperately. "Please do not run away from me! I love you like a brother!"  

"Very well!" Loki shouted, with tears in his eyes. "I will not run!"

"Please do not be frightened!" Thor said, as calmly as he was able. "I will not harm you!"

"Indeed!" Loki said, glancing away. "Wh-why would my brother harm me?"

Thor flinched. 

Loki was still looking away from him. He stood with his arms held up in the air as if he feared a sword to the chest. 

"I will not ask you to return to Asgard," Thor said, softly. "Please, look my way? Please, brother?" 

Slowly, Loki lowered his arms and looked towards Thor. 

Tears were gently falling down his face, but he stubbornly tilted his chin upwards and said, "Why is King Thor kneeling upon the ground like a pauper?" 

"Because I would like to worship Prince Loki?" Thor said, tentatively. "Will my brother allow me to worship him?"

Loki scowled. "That would not be proper, Thor! That would not be proper! Stand up, sire! You must stand up!"

Immediately, Thor did what he was told. He stood up and tried to make himself look as peaceable as he was able. He kept his hands in front of him, lowered, with his palms facing Loki. 

"What has gotten into you, this decade?" Loki shouted. "You became a king and then you lost your bloody mind?!"

"Yes, Loki!" Thor cried. "I have lost my mind!"

"What has happened?" Loki said, impatiently. "Have you gone to war with Odin? He would not go quietly to Valhalla?"

"He is gone!" Thor said. "He will never return to Asgard because I have shielded Asgard with Blood Magic! But Odin One Eye still roams the nine realms however he pleases, Loki! He is a powerful wizard, Loki! I fear he will capture you, Loki!"

"Wh-what?" Loki said, looking as if Thor had just claimed Saint Nick himself had murdered a reindeer. 

"Please!" Thor cried. "Allow me to guard you like a knight errant!"

"Why would I need to be guarded in the first place, Thor?" Loki said, blinking in confusion. "Why would Odin have a quarrel with me? I have not wronged him?"

"He is the one who wronged you, Loki!" Thor shrieked, like a mad man, but he could not contain himself. 

He had spent ten long years studying Djinn Spellwork. Thor had aimed to learn of the evil magic that his father had used against Heimdall and Loki. For ten long years, Thor had learned everything he was able to learn about the men and women who had been wrongfully enslaved as djinn.

He did this because he wanted to help Heimdall and Loki. He wanted to keep them safe from evil wizards like Odin. 

The entire time, Thor had wondered if his brother lived or died. He had wondered if Loki had been recaptured by another evil wizard. He had feared the worst. 

Loki had no idea he had once been captured as a djinn. 

Heimdall had explained that Odin had performed the evil spell on Loki while Loki was a toddling babe. 

Loki had lived his entire existence as a djinn while having no idea. He had been enslaved without knowing he was enslaved. The spellwork had been insidiously hidden from him.  

Thor wanted to explain these things, but his mother had forbidden it. She had bound his tongue with her magic while sternly telling him that Loki would seek his death if he learned of the Djinn Spellwork. 

Because his tongue had been magically bound, Thor was unable to explain himself. He wished his mother would release his tongue, but she refused to do so whenever he asked. 

"Brother, will you please calm down?" Loki said, softly. "Why are you crying like a man who has lost his entire village?" 

"I have lost my brother!" Thor sobbed. "My brother is my hearth, Loki! Please do not run from me!"

"I am not running, Thor!" Loki said, stomping his foot. "I cannot enjoy a simple decade on Midgard? Will the kingdom fall apart without its spare heir, Thor? I think not!"

Spare heir?! Thor thought, in dismay. 

He began sobbing like a mad man once more and Loki looked as if he were watching a toddling babe throw himself off the rainbow bridge. 

"I apologize, Thor!" Loki said, anxiously. "Please do not cry! I will give you another hug, hmm? Please don't cry!"

Thor opened his arms and was relieved when Loki hugged him once more. 

"Might we spend a short vacation here on Midgard?" Loki whispered, while tenderly holding onto Thor. "Will the kingdom fall apart without its king if you take a short vacation?"

"The kingdom will not fall apart without me!" Thor said, eager to agree to anything Loki would have him agree to. "I will take a Midgardian vacation!"

"Thank you," Loki said. "Can't we trust your mother to carry the kingdom for a spell?"

"Aye!" Thor said. 

"Good boy," Loki said, like an approving uncle with his nephew. "Why don't we find ourselves a hostel?"

"Aye aye!" Thor said. 

He knew well how to turn his gold into Midgardian currency. He was eager to give Loki a place to rest his head, so Thor led Loki away from Central Park and towards a Midgardian hotel. 

Loki had always loved Midgardian hotels, so he was pleased. 

And Thor was pleased to know that his brother yet lived. 

Someone needed to be punished.

Loki did not know who had frightened his little brother, but he was determined to find them and punish them for their crime.

First, however, he needed to interrogate Thor. He would hunt down the culprit as soon as he learned the culprit's name. 

Thor finally fell asleep after Loki gently sang him a few campfire songs. He was happily cuddled up in Loki's arms like one of Peter Pan's lost boys. 

I should not have forgotten how young Thor is, Loki thought. He may be bigger than me, but my brother is a very young king. I must remember this, from now on. 

When Thor woke up the next morning, Loki sweetly gave the big man a kiss on his forehead. Then he asked Thor if he would like to enjoy a Midgardian breakfast. 

The hostel that Thor had chosen was meant for wealthy clients, so their staff had dutifully cooked a meal for the hotel guests. 

Thor was happy to enjoy a Midgardian breakfast. 

Then Loki asked Thor if they might simply stroll through New York like tourists.

"If that is what you would like to do, Loki?" Thor said, as anxiously as a man who carried all the world upon his shoulders. 

"You have spent ten long years as a hard working king, have you not?" Loki said, gently. "I would like to help you enjoy a peaceable vacation? How would my king like to spend his time, this decade?"

"This decade?" Thor said, blinking. 

"Can we not trust the kingdom to your mother for one short decade, Thor?" Loki said, raising his eyebrows. "Do you think the nine realms will fall apart without your stewardship?" 

"No, no," Thor said, frowning thoughtfully. "You are right, brother. We can trust Mother to lead Asgard's kingdom for a spell. I will enjoy this decade in my brother's company? Wherever the fair Prince Loki would like to go, I will follow?"

"Very good, King Thor," Loki said, nodding approvingly. "I will be your tour guide?"

"No, Loki!" Thor said, urgently. "Please do not conduct yourself like a tour guide?"

Loki frowned. "Very well? How should I conduct myself?"

"As yourself?" Thor said, mournfully. 

Loki tilted his head. "I don't follow your meaning?"

Thor closed his eyes and took a deep breath. 

Loki studied him intently. It looked like Thor was attempting to keep control of his temper, so Loki knew that he had said something that had angered Thor. 

However, he was puzzled, because he had no idea what he could have possibly said that would anger his brother. 

"Did you not sleep well, Thor?" Loki said, hesitantly. "Do you want to go back to bed?"

Finally, the big man opened his eyes again and gave Loki a tight smile. 

"I slept well, Loki," Thor said. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yes," Loki said. "Would you like to... hmm... we might go to the cinema?"

"If that is what you would like to do?" Thor said, tilting his head. 

"Thor!" Loki said, angrily. "What is wrong with you?!"

"Nothing is wrong with me, brother!" Thor said, just as angrily. "I would simply like to enjoy a vacation with my brother? However my brother would like to enjoy our vacation, I will follow!"

"You're behaving as if you expect me to throw myself into a lake?" Loki said, in frustration. "Why are you looking at me as if I am bleeding before your very eyes?"

"I apologize?" Thor said, huffing. "I didn't realize I was looking at you that way?"

"Listen here," Loki said, sternly wagging his finger at Thor. "You must tell me who has frightened you."

"It was Odin!" Thor said, with tears in his eyes. "It was Odin Allfather! He committed a crime against the nine realms!"

"Aha!" Loki yelled, triumphantly. "I must kill Odin!"

"No!" Thor shouted. "You must not do that, brother! You might lose your life in the attempt!"

But Loki ignored this command. 

Loki teleported. 

For he was determined to punish Odin One Eye for frightening the young King Thor. 

He used Blood Magic's familiar song to locate Odin One Eye and found him on the Grandmaster's hedonistic planet. 

From there, killing the man was as simple as stabbing a knife into his chest. 

Once the deed was done, Loki was left standing in front of the Grandmaster and the Grandmaster's djinn while Odin's corpse bled out on the ground. 

The handsome Grandmaster laughed and clapped his hands in approval. 

"I missed you, Lo-Lo," Dionysus said, fondly. "Wanna stick around for a jiffy?"

"No," Loki said, flatly. "Perhaps next decade?"

"Sure thing, sweet cheeks," Dionysus said, winking. "Come back when you're in the mood for me."

Loki nodded, stiffly, and then teleported back to Midgard.   

He found that King Thor was sobbing uncontrollably in the Midgardian hostel's feasting hall while several of the Midgardian women attempted to comfort him.

"Loki!" Thor cried, opening his arms. "Please come back to me, brother! Please!"

Loki knew that he looked like an innocent man. He had not gotten a drop of Odin's blood onto his clothing when he killed the man. 

For he was a well practiced assassin. 

But he also knew the young King Thor would disapprove of assassinations. He would call them cowardly and unjust. 

Therefore, Loki would not tell him that Odin One Eye had been killed in an unfair fight. 

Instead, he would spin a tale. 

A fair fight, he would say, and a well fought war. 

These were the thoughts that Loki was thinking when the dark wizard known as Dr. Strange walked up to them. 

"You can admit that you killed Odin," Dr. Strange said. "I'm a mind reader. I already know you killed Odin."

Then Dr. Strange knelt and held up an ancient copy of the Darkhold's Book of the Damned. 

"Thank you for killing the war mongering imperialist known as Odin One Eye," Dr. Strange said, stiffly. "Take my book and use it wisely." 

Loki blinked at the dark wizard, but took the book he was offered. 

As soon as Loki had taken the book, Dr. Strange stood up and walked away. 

"Loki!" Thor said, while crying like a grieving man. "Please do not endanger yourself like this! What if Odin had killed you?!"

"I'm older than Odin!" Loki shouted. "I'm more powerful than Odin!" 

"Please do not endanger yourself!" Thor shrieked. "Please do not jump off any bridges!"

"What?!" Loki said. 

"Please, brother!" Thor sobbed. "I love you!"

"Aye!" Loki screamed. "I love you too, Thor! Settle down, boy!"

"I will not settle down!" Thor cried. "You could have been killed!"

Thor simply stood there sobbing with his arms held open like a boy who had lost his favored teddy bear. 

Loki sighed. 

He used his magic to stow away the book that Dr. Strange had given him. It would be safe in a private pocket dimension. 

Then he gave King Thor a hug. 

The Midgardian women cooed at these hugging brothers as if they were watching one of their soap operas. 

Loki realized that he and his little shield brother were being filmed with those rectangular scrying glasses that the Midgardians loved to carry around with them. 

Soon enough, the entire realm would be made aware of Thor's faux pax and then King Thor would be a laughing stock!

"Get ahold of yourself, Thor!" Loki said, urgently. "Please stop crying like a mad man!" 

"I will not stop crying, Prince Loki!" Thor shouted. "Please stop sending yourself to war like a mad man!"

"Very well!" Loki said. "The war is over! I will not send myself to war!"

"Good!" Thor cried. 

Then he was crying even more dramatically than he had already been crying in the first place. 

"Why do you cry, Thor?!" Loki shrieked. "Why do you cry as if the world has just ended?!"

Thor was not able to respond to this question. He was crying too much to speak. His entire body shook with his sobs and he was shaking like a man who stood in a freezing snow storm. 

Loki teleported with Thor and brought them both back to the hotel room that they had spent the previous night in. 

Then he bundled Thor into the hostel bed and cuddled the man until Thor fell asleep. 

Shortly after Thor was safely asleep, Loki allowed himself to relax. 

Then he fell asleep as well. 

Chapter Text

When Loki woke up, he found that Thor was engaged in a tussle with a familiar witch. 

She was a black woman who had once called herself Prince Allie. 

"Five!" Prince Allie shouted. "Tell him I'm your sister! Tell him!" 

"Yes ma'am!" Loki said, promptly. "This woman is my sister, Thor! Don't kill her!"

The two of them had been wrestling in the doorway to the hotel room, but now they paused to glare at each other. 

Thor had grabbed Prince Allie by her forearms and was holding them together to prevent her from scratching his face with her nails. 

He was also bleeding from large scratches on his cheeks, so Loki understood why Thor felt the need to restrain the angry witch. 

"She is not your sister, Loki!" Thor shouted. "Do not let this naughty wizard trick you!"

"Yes I fucking am, asshole!" Prince Allie shrieked, with tears streaming down her face. "I won't let you take my brother from me! Stop being racist!" 

"What?" Thor said, blinking at the woman like a man who had just been told the sky was made of chocolate. 

Loki sighed and cautiously sat up. 

He had simply been sleeping while the two of them wrestled over the hotel's doorway. 

"Please let Allie inside of our hostel, Thor?" Loki said. "She is my sister. She is not lying. She is my sister."

"She clearly is not your sister, Loki!" Thor said, angrily. 

"Stop being racist!" Prince Allie screamed. "Just because I'm black, I'm not his sister? You're a racist!"

"Please calm yourself, Allie?" Loki said. 

Cautiously, he stood up from the hotel bed. 

He was still fully dressed in the clothes he had been wearing yesterday, so he did not need to worry about being improper in front of a lady. 

"This man has kidnapped you, Five!" Prince Allie yelled. "I will not calm down!"

"He is not your genie!" Thor shrieked. "He is not your Five!" 

"Yes he is!" Prince Allie shouted, with magic in her voice that lit up her entire body with blue light. "You will allow me to adopt my brother! You will let us go!"

Thor stood there blinking, in confusion, and then he frowned and said, "No, I will not?"

"Please calm down, Allie!" Loki said, urgently. "Your magic won't work on him! He's Aesir!"

"What?!" Prince Allie said. "What does that mean?"

"It means you cannot hypnotize him!" Loki shouted. "Please don't give him a reason to harm you!"

Thor glared at the woman. "I won't harm her, Loki! I simply want her to leave!"

"No!" Prince Allie screamed, stomping her foot. "I won't leave without my brother!"

"Please calm down, Prince Allie!" Loki yelled. "Please! I fear for your life!"

"I will not kill her, Loki!" Thor shouted. "I am not a brute!"

"Yes you fucking are!" Prince Allie shrieked. "You're scaring him! Look at him! You're scaring him!"

Thor finally looked away from Prince Allie and studied Loki intently. 

Loki froze like a gazelle that was about to be run over by a car. 

Then Thor sighed and said, "You know this woman?"

"Yes!" Loki said. "Please don't harm her!"

"Why does she call you her brother?" Thor said, suspiciously. "She is not your blood sister."

"She is not my blood sister," Loki said, sighing. "But she is a shield sister, Thor."

Thor closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and then said, "Aye."

He finally released his hold on Prince Allie's forearms. 

As soon as she was free, Prince Allie ran towards Loki and flung her arms around him. 

"I missed you so much, Five!" Prince Allie cried. "Please don't teleport!"

Loki wrapped his arms around her.

"I won't teleport, Allie," Loki said, softly. "Please calm down?"

She didn't calm down. She sobbed like a frightened little girl. 

Thor simply stood beside the doorway to the hotel. He peeked out of the door, glanced right and left as if he feared the witch hunters were upon them, and then he closed the door to the hotel. 

"What has happened?" Loki whispered. "Who frightened you?"

"You died!" Prince Allie shrieked, with magic in her voice. "How dare you?! You cannot kill yourself, Number Five! You are not allowed to throw your life away!"

Loki frowned, in confusion, and then simply said, "Yes ma'am? I will not throw my life away. This I solemnly swear?"

"Good!" Prince Allie cried. "Be a good boy! Come home, hmm? Let's go home! Your niece misses you. She's crying! She misses you!"

"My niece?" Loki said, blinking in befuddlement. "Which niece?"

"Wait!" Thor said. "You cannot take him with you! You cannot take him!"

"I will not live without my favorite brother!" Prince Allie bellowed, at the top of her lungs, while glowing with a fierce blue light. "I will not live without him!" 

"I promise to help you, Prince Allie!" Loki said. "But please calm down! You are frightening my shield brother and he might harm you if you continue to frighten him!"

Thor sighed. 

He sat down on one of the hotel's chairs and put his head in his hands. 

"Who is this man, Five?" Prince Allie said, as furiously as a woman who was watching her son be taken by pirates. "Why are you with this man? Did you mistake him for Luther? He isn't Luther! If he told you he was Luther, he was lying!"

"He did not claim to be a Lutheran," Loki said, tilting his head. "Are you forgetting your time and place, Allie? The year is 2021, is it not?"

Prince Allie took a deep breath and released Loki from her hug. 

She stepped back and frowned at him. 

"It's okay," Prince Allie said, softly. "That's okay. You've just gotten a little bit confused. I know how to help you. Please come with me? I'll be the Daddy?"

"Honey," Loki said, exasperatedly. "I am not confused. I fear you are the one who is confused today?"

Prince Allie pouted at him. "Don't you recognize your favorite sister?"

Thor continued to sit with his head in his hands. Loki squinted at him and was satisfied that Thor would not attack Prince Allie, so he put his hands on his hips and sternly said, "You bite your thumb at me?"

Prince Allie giggled. "No sir. I do not bite my thumb."

"Then what has gotten into you today, young lady?" Loki said, playfully. "I have so many nieces I fear I have lost track of them. Would you please explain yourself? I promise to help you with your niece if you would only tell me which niece I'm meant to be helping?"

Prince Allie huffed, but then she closed her eyes and bit at her lip. 

"I love you more than Artemis loves Apollo," Loki whispered. "Please be honest with me, Allie? What is this really about? You don't need to fabricate a crying niece?"

Prince Allie opened her eyes and hurriedly wiped the tear stains off of her cheeks.  

"You are quite right, sir," Prince Allie said, carefully. "I apologize? Um, I was the one who was crying. I shouldn't speak indirectly. Please forgive me?"

"I forgive you, of course," Loki said. "Will you tell me what happened to you since I last saw you? I haven't seen you in decades."

"Decades?" Prince Allie said. "You've been time traveling for decades?"

"Pardon?" Loki said. 

Thor lifted his head and said, "Aha! You are a time traveling witch?"

Prince Allie glanced towards Thor. 

"Huh?" Prince Allie said. 

"You've made a mistake, witch!" Thor said, triumphantly standing up. "You have shown your hand!"

"Please stay calm, Thor!" Loki said. 

"I will not stay calm!" Thor shouted. "This woman aims to trap you like a genie in a bottle!"

"No!" Prince Allie said. "I just want to bring my brother home!"

"He is not your brother!" Thor yelled. "He is mine! I will not let you trap him!"

"Wait!" Loki shrieked. "Calm yourselves!"

He was having difficulty controlling his breathing. 

Prince Allie noticed and hastily knelt down upon the ground. 

Loki quickly knelt beside her, grabbed her by her shoulders, and teleported. 

They landed in Central Park. 

"I'll keep you safe, Five!" Prince Allie cried. "Don't worry! I won't let them catch you!"

She hugged him tenderly and sobbed like a witch who had just dodged a stake to the heart. 

She mistook Thor for a witch hunter, Loki thought. This poor thing must have lost her coven. 

"I'll be the one to keep you safe, Prince Allie," Loki whispered. "Please stay calm? I will help you find your hearth. I will help you find a home where you will be safe?"

"I already have a home!" Prince Allie shouted. "You're the only brother who went missing! Please come home, Five! I promise to be a good Number Three this time!"

He had no idea what the silly witch was talking about, but he decided to humor her. 

Thor would be fine in the meantime. Odin was dead. Odin would not be able to frighten Thor further, so Thor would be fine. 

He would remain with the good witch Prince Allie and help her until she felt safe. 

"Very well, silly witch," Loki said, magnanimously. "I will come home with you."

They were hugging each other while knelt on the grass in Central Park. Prince Allie continued to cry for several minutes, but then she recovered herself and stood up. 

She pulled Loki up with her. 

"You look very handsome as a blonde man, Five," Prince Allie said, hesitantly. "But I hope you know you don't need to disguise yourself? I'll keep you safe."

"Yes, yes," Loki said. "I will trust you to keep me safe, Allie."

"If you get confused, please tell me?" Prince Allie said. "I understand that you are much older than you look, sir. I don't want to infantilize you, but you forget things sometimes?"

"Hmm," Loki said. "This is true."

"Please tell me if you get confused," Prince Allie said. "I'll explain everything for you, hmm? You can trust me to be a good sister."

"Yes ma'am," Loki said, smiling gently at her. 

She beamed at him like a young woman who had finally been reunited with her godfather. 

Then she firmly grasped his left hand and led him out of Central Park. 

They walked until they reached a familiar mansion. 

Aha, Loki thought. This mansion once housed an academy. What did that silly academy name themselves? 

Loki could not remember the name of the academy he had once attended. It had been eons ago. 

But it did not matter. The students at the academy politely reminded him that he had once been their favored professor. They led him towards a library and showed him all of the books he had left behind. 

"Thank you, students," Loki said. "I will be a good professor?"

"You don't have to be a professor, Five," Prince Allie whispered. "You can do whatever you want whenever you want? The world is your oyster. Now that you know how to find us, you can teleport here whenever you want to see us? And you can teleport away again whenever you want to leave?"

Loki grinned at her. 

Then he gave her a kiss upon her forehead. 

She giggled like a happy little girl. 

The other students were a group of five men in their thirties. They watched Loki give Prince Allie his affection as if they were watching a royal wedding. 

I suppose these are her merry men, Loki thought. Or perhaps they are her loyal knights. It matters not what they call themselves, this century. 

He would be a good wizard. He would help this coven and lead them as their eldest mage. 

What else was there to do, after all? 

Not a thing, for Odin One Eye was finally dead. 

Chapter Text

After all of the America Chavez variants had been safely adopted, Loki knew his work was done. 

The young woman was simply a Midgardian mutant who had been born with abilities that left her lost in the multi-verse. Inadvertently, she had sent the space time continuum tumbling into many branching timelines like Hades tumbling out of Pandora's cauldron. 

Now that each of the young America Chavez variants had found a godfather and a university to settle down in, they would stop hopping through timelines like mad witches in search of a hearth. 

Because the America Chavez variants were no longer hopping through timelines, they were no longer attracting the attention of the Wanda Maximoff variants. 

Because the Wanda Maximoff variants had lost her scent, America Chavez and each of her variants were now safe. 

There was still the problem of the Maximoff variants, but Loki decided he would allow Dr. Strange and his variants to deal with the Maximoff variants. 

The man was an aficionado with his World Walking, so Loki would simply allow nature to take its natural course. 

Wanda Maximoff is no longer my problem, Loki thought, laughing gleefully to himself in the Queenly bedchamber of Asgard. Because my goddaughter is now safe, I no longer care to war with The Scarlet Witch. 

While he was laughing, Thor politely knocked on his bedchamber's door. 

"Queen Loki?" Thor called, through the door. "Is my fair prince well, today?"

"Aye, Thor!" Loki called back. "You may come in!" 

Thor came into the room while carrying an armful of books and looked pleased to find that Loki was sitting behind the oak desk that Thor had recently finished building. 

"Oh?" Loki said, propping his elbows up on the new desk. "What do you have there, King Thor?"

Grinning proudly, Thor said, "The magelings on Terra send you their regards, Loki. They have written new books while studying magic and would like you to read their books when you have a spare moment?"

"Oho," Loki said, beaming down at the books. "Marvelous. I will read them. Happily."

When he looked up at Thor, he noticed that Thor was looking at the Queenly Bed of Asgard. 

The bed was a bit ostentatious. It had been draped in colorful curtains, which were drawn aside, and it was heaped with pillows. 

Loki smirked at Thor. 

"Did my king want to take a nap on the Queenly bed?" Loki said, teasingly. 

Thor blushed like a schoolboy and said, "No thank you, Loki!" 

"No thank you?" Loki said, tilting his head. "Why not?"

Thor blinked. 

Then Thor glared at his feet. 

Then Thor simply stood there, looking like a confused little boy. 

He was a big Aesir man with battle scars and a prosthetic eye, yet he stood there as if he were a sapling that had just been scolded by his royal tutor. 

"Thor?" Loki said. "Is something the matter?"  

"No, Loki!" Thor said, looking back up with a panicked expression. "Nothing is the matter today!"

Loki frowned, thoughtfully, and said, "Would you be honest with me, brother? What troubles you?"

Thor flinched. 

"Aha!" Loki said, pointing at him in an accusing manner. "Something is indeed the matter!"

"No, no, no," Thor said, thumping himself on the chest. "You are a queen and I am your pirate!"

"I know that, Thor," Loki said, rolling his eyes. "Did I neglect to tell you that our work was done?"

"Pardon?" Thor said. 

"America Chavez is safe," Loki said, reassuringly. "Were you concerned for her welfare? Each of her variants has been adopted by a godfather. She is safe, Thor. You may relax?"

"Oh?" Thor said. "The... um... the Multitude of America has been adopted?"

"Yes, Thor," Loki said. "Was that what was bothering you?" 

Thor frowned and stared at Loki intently. 

They both regarded each other, warily, and said not a word. 

Then Heimdall politely knocked on the door. 

"Come in, Heimdall," Loki called toward the door. 

Heimdall allowed himself into the Queenly bedchamber. 

He said, "Might I take a vacation, sire?"

"Of course," Loki said. "A decade or two, do you think?"

"I will take three decades, sire," Heimdall said, politely. 

Loki grinned at him. "Good. I'll find one of your sons and ask him to take up your post?"

"Nay," Heimdall said. "I have already asked my eldest son to take my place, Queen Loki."

"Very good," Loki said, approvingly. "Please enjoy your three decade vacation, Heimdall."

"Thank you, Queen Loki," Heimdall said. "May I have a goodbye hug?"

"Of course, sire," Loki said. 

He teleported closer to Heimdall and gave the big man a hug. 

Fondly, Heimdall ruffled the hair on Loki's head. 

Then he leaned down and gave Loki a kiss upon his forehead. 

With this simple task completed, Heimdall then used his magic to teleport elsewhere. 

After Heimdall was gone, Thor burst into tears. 

Alarmed, Loki said, "What is the matter, Thor?!"

"I apologize, brother!" Thor said. "You are a very good queen, brother!"

"Aye?" Loki said. "But why are you crying?" 

"Please do not teleport!" Thor cried, and began sobbing all the harder. 

"I will not teleport!" Loki shouted. "Tell me what is the matter!"

"Nothing is the matter, Loki!" Thor yelled, stubbornly. "I apologize for my tears!"

"You don't need to apologize for them, Thor?" Loki said, frowning at him. "I will not scold you?"

"Bloody hell!" Thor said, shoving his hands over his face while he continued to cry like a grieving man at a funeral. 

Loki blinked at Thor in bemusement. 

He had not heard Thor say such a crass thing in eons. 'Bloody hell' was one of those terms that Odin Allfather had always sneered at, so his dutiful son had avoided saying such things because he admired his father. 

"Did someone die?" Loki said, suspiciously. 

"No!" Thor said, hotly. 

He put his hands down and scowled like a petulant child. 

"Please stop time traveling, Lady Loki!" Thor shouted, angrily. "Please!"

"Oh?" Loki said. "Was that your gripe?"

"Yessir!" Thor said, sniffing. "That was my gripe?"

Thor quickly wiped at his teary face and halted his crying with the air of a man who was determined to conduct himself in a manly way.

"Alright?" Loki said. "What do you have against time travel, Thor?"

"I have not seen you in eight years, Loki!" Thor shouted.

Loki shrugged. "I know that, Thor? Did you think I had made a mistake with my mathematical formula?"

Thor blinked. 

Then he huffed. 

Then Thor said, "You purposely abandoned me for eight long years, Loki?!"

"I didn't leave you alone," Loki said, defensively. "Didn't I leave you in the company of a young Loki variant?"

"Yes you did!" Thor said. "He is still here!"

"Then what is the problem, Thor?" Loki said, tilting his head. "Did my young variant misbehave?" 

"No!" Thor said. "He is very well behaved and very sweet, Loki!"

"Then what is the problem, sire?" Loki said, impatiently. "Did I fail to provide you with a loving spouse? Did I fail to provide you with a plentiful kingdom? Did I fail to provide you with adventuresome quests?"

"You could have died!" Thor shrieked. "You went to war without your spouse, Loki!"

"It was not a war!" Loki bellowed. "It was subterfuge and Cold War tactics as I and my TVA agents played at espionage against other time traveling shape shifters!"

"Why did you leave me behind, Prince Loki!" Thor shouted. 

Abruptly, he knelt on the ground and lowered his head like a knight before his king. 

"I beg your bloody pardon?" Loki yelled. "What are you doing, Thor?!"

"I am begging you!" Thor screamed. "I am down on my knees, Loki!"

"I have eyeballs in my head, Thor," Loki said, sneering. "Would you get up, you mad tom cat? Get the fuck up off the floor!"

"I will not get up off the floor!" Thor shrieked. "I will not be left behind again! I refuse to mourn your loss again!"

"I was not dead, Thor!" Loki shouted, at the top of his lungs. "I did not die, Thor!"

"Yes you did!" Thor howled, like a werewolf on the full blood moon. "I could not find you, Loki! You used time travel to escape from me!"

"It was not an escape, Thor!" Loki yelled. "I am a TVA agent, Thor! It is my career and my profession, Thor!"

"You must let me into your profession, Loki!" Thor demanded, while he continued to sit there on his knees with his head bowed like some kind of cultist. "You must not time travel without me, Loki!"

"No!" Loki shrieked. 

Then he teleported backwards in time. 

He knew that Thor would not find him if he went backwards. 

So Loki decided, rather spontaneously, that he would go backwards and landed in 2025. 

There was no thought put into it. 

The magic was instinctual, at this point. 

Loki landed on February 1st, 2025 and found himself standing in New York, New York in front of a familiar mansion. 

He groaned, smacked himself, and then spun around to walk away from the Academy mansion. 

But he was too late. 

One of the Christine Palmer variants had spotted him from out the window. The young woman opened the window and poked her head out. 

"Merlin!" Christine shouted. "Please don't leave, Merlin! Please!"

Goddammit! Loki thought. I've just created a new branching timeline!

He froze like a gazelle that had just been spotted by a car's headlights on a dark and stormy night. 

The Christine Palmer variant dramatically jumped out of the mansion's fifth floor window. 

Loki had no choice.

He teleported and caught the silly woman before she could fall to her death. 

"I knew it!" Christine shouted, joyfully throwing her arms over his shoulders. "You love me too, Merlin! I knew it!"

"Fuck you!" Loki yelled. "You are not allowed to jump out of windows, little missy!"

Christine giggled and hugged him tightly. "You aren't allowed to leave! You have to stay here! Please don't go, Merlin!"

"I am not your Edward Cullen, young lady!" Loki said, sternly. 

He put Christine back down on her feet and teleported out of her arms, putting proper distance between them. 

Then Loki wagged a finger at her and said, "You are not my spider monkey. I am not your lion. You cannot throw yourself into harms way in the hopes of getting my attention like some kind of New Moon heroine!" 

"I promise to behave myself from now on!" Christine said, stomping her foot. "But if you leave, I'll throw myself onto train tracks!"

"You won't fool me with lies like that!" Loki shrieked. "You won't win my attention with mad nonsense like that!" 

"Why do you keep leaving?!" Christine bellowed. "Why won't you stay put, Merlin?!"

"I don't belong in 2025!" Loki shouted. "I belong in 2034!"

"Take me with you this time!" Christine cried, with tears falling down her face. "I don't care when I am! I don't care where I am! As long as I'm with my Merlin, I'm a happy sorceress!" 

"You are not my Circe!" Loki said, scowling at her. "You are not my Morgana!" 

"Why not?!" Christine said, stomping her foot a second time to emphasize her displeasure.  

"I'm too old for you, girl!" Loki said, throwing his hands up. "I am much too old for you!"

"I'm already forty two!" Christine shrieked. "You can't call me a sapling, Merlin! I'm in my forties now!" 

"I don't care a wit!" Loki shouted, stubbornly. "I'm centuries old, girl! I've lived for centuries!"

"I don't give a good goddamn!" Christine screamed, just as stubbornly. "I'm already in my forties!"

"Bloody hell!" Loki said. "I cannot do this! If you keep trying to kill yourself? I will send Stephen Strange to prevent your death! I will not be the man who saves you from your own suicidal ideation, Christine! Dr. Strange will be the man to save you, not I!"

"Wait!" Christine said, holding her hands up as if he were about to attack her with his magical knives. "Wait just a second! Give me a minute to plead my case, sire!"

"I will not wait!" Loki shouted. 

"Please!" Christine sobbed, while holding her hands up in a worshipful manner, like a mad woman who was watching her entire village be burned down around her and was making a desperate plea towards the heavens. 

"Please, sire!" Christine cried, plaintively. "Don't leave me!" 

As calmly as possible, Loki took a deep breath and carefully said, "I will not leave. Yet. But I will leave. You know this."

Christine finally lowered her hands. She left them down, but she maintained stiff posture and positioned them so that her palms were facing Loki. 

"I know," Christine said, sniffing. "I won't stop you from leaving. I won't trap you like a genie in a bottle. But why won't you take me with you when you leave? Why can't I travel through the multi-verse with you?"

"I'm not Doctor Who!" Loki said, glaring at the sky above them. "Why do you silly humans insist on treating me like your Time Lord? I am not the Time Lord! Dr. Strange is the Time Lord, hmm? Go and bother him with your malarkey!" 

"I don't give a damn about Stephen Strange, arsehole!" Christine said, looking as if he had just suggested she kiss a frog. "And I demand to be made into your companion!"

"What about your life here, hmm?" Loki said, persuasively gesturing at her university building and the beautiful garden around them. "You have friendships with your colleagues. You have family members and boyfriends and-"

"I don't give a fuck about any of my boyfriends, sire!" Christine shrieked, with glowing hair that wildly levitated around her head. "I don't care about my friends and I loathe my blood relatives!"

"Lies!" Loki shrieked. 

"I'm not lying," Christine said, huffing impatiently. "You can't just call everything a lie when you think it's too good to be true, Loki! And you can't leave for my own good when I'm a grown woman, Draco!"

He blinked at her in surprise. 

"Since when do you know me as Loki Draco?" Loki said, frowning in confusion. 

"I've been stalking the fuck out of you, Five!" Christine shouted, with magic in her voice. "I know everything there is to know about Merlin Loki Draco's fifth Wednesday!" 

Loki huffed. "Very well? You can't trap me with my true name. That myth is just a myth?"

"I'm not trying to trap you, you stupid little man!" Christine cried. "I'm in love with you! Romantically! I don't want a daddy and I don't want an uncle or a lab partner or a professor! I want to marry you!"

Loki frowned. "I'm already married?"

"What?!" Christine yelled, throwing her hands up. "When the fuck did you get married, Five?! When the fuck did you do that?!"

"It was an arranged marriage!" Loki said, impatiently. "I didn't have a choice! It was an arranged marriage for the good of the sacred timeline!"

"What the fuck!" Christine turned away from him, simply screamed incoherently for a moment, and then spun back towards him and yelled, "Fuck it! I'll be your mistress! Let's have an illicit affair!"

"You cannot have an illicit affair with me, young lady!" Loki shouted. "Behave yourself!"

"I will not behave myself!" Christine shrieked. "I will not behave myself unless you stay put and let me love you, goddammit!" 

"Bloody hell!" Loki said. "You have three boyfriends this year, you silly woman! Why the fuck would you need a fourth boyfriend? Is your harem not full?"

"I only humor them because they remind me of you!" Christine cried. "I only humor them because I miss you and they remind me of you!"

"Very well!" Loki said. "I will visit you once a month!" 

"Deal!" Christine shouted, triumphantly. "I accept!"

"Good!" Loki said. "Do not throw yourself out of windows! Do not jump in front of trains or recklessly endanger yourself like a mad witch! Dr. Strange will be very upset with you, hmm? Please stop throwing your life away!"

"I understand!" Christine said. "Don't you dare renege on this deal, sire! You have to visit me once a month! You have to!" 

"Fine!" Loki said, as calmly as he was able. 

Then he cleared his throat and said, "14th? Every month?"

"Yessir!" Christine said, as eagerly as a puppy who was being offered her favorite treat. 

Loki took a deep breath, nodded, and then made a mental note of this new arrangement. 

"I will patiently wait until February the 14th," Christine said, softly. "Please don't have a panic attack? You can leave and come back on February 14th."

"Yes ma'am," Loki whispered.  

Then he teleported back to 2034 and found Thor sobbing while knelt in front of the Queenly bedchamber's ostentatious bed. 

As soon as Loki appeared in the room, Thor halted his sobbing, anxiously wiped the tears off his face, and stood up. 

"Please don't leave again, Loki!" Thor screamed. "I promise not to violate your consent!"

"What?!" Loki said, baffled by the suggestion. 

"I will not touch you!" Thor insisted. "Please do not leave!"

"I wasn't afraid of being violated, Thor!" Loki shouted. "I was afraid you would lose your life during one of your mad fits of rage!"

Thor gasped. 

Then he grinned, joyfully as a man who had just spotted a saint, and laughed. 

Sounding astounded, Thor said, "You love me!"

"Of fucking course I love you!" Loki screamed. "But I cannot trust you to behave yourself! You throw yourself at warriors like a mad man! If I don't watch you carefully, you'll lose your life in an imbecilic war!" 

"I promise to guard my life like a wise scholar!" Thor said. "Please do not leave me, Loki! Please! I cannot live without my Moonflower!"

"But you already have my younger self in your home with you, Thor?" Loki said, frowning thoughtfully. "You haven't lost your Moonflower?"

"I love you, Loki!" Thor said, triumphantly holding his arms open. "I love the elder Loki just as much as I love the younger Loki! Please do not run from me, my queen! Please!"

"I wasn't running from you!" Loki said, huffing. "I was helping all of the American Chavez variants find stable timelines!"

"Aye!" Thor said. "Please allow me to help you on your next quest? Please!" 

"Very well!" Loki said, exasperatedly. "I will allow you to join the TVA, but you must restrain yourself from picking up your hammer at every single insult to my honor! Please! You'll catch your death if you behave yourself like a stupid Viking!"

"Aye aye!" Thor said. "I will behave myself like an intelligent wizard?"

"Good boy," Loki cooed. "Get on my fucking bed, Thor! Now!"

"Yes, sire!" Thor said, as eagerly as a well trained dog. 

He jumped onto the Queenly bed. 

That is when the two of them finally copulated. 

Thor had already copulated with the younger Loki many times, but Loki had not yet had the pleasure of enjoying his own husband. 

He had assumed Thor would prefer to be dominant over an inexperienced man, but it turned out Thor also enjoyed being submissive under an experienced man. 

I'll keep this fact in mind from now on, Loki thought, chuckling to himself. This has turned out to be the best arranged marriage I've ever won for myself. 

Thor was tenderly embracing Loki while Loki laughed to himself like a mad man. He didn't ask for an explanation. He didn't think it was odd that Loki was laughing. Thor simply ran his fingers through Loki's hair and smiled like a beautiful warrior husband. 

"I will train you out of your warrior habits," Loki said, sternly. "I will train you to be a man who is as unmovable as a rock. You will only raise your hammer when it is necessary, Thor, and otherwise you will deescalate the rowdy warriors around you like a masterful politician."

"Yes, Loki," Thor murmured. "That is exactly what I will do for my queen."

Then Thor kissed Loki on the forehead. 

It was a good day. 

When Loki arrived on February 14th, 2025, he found himself surrounded by a group of eight women who had each worn black ballgowns and black blindfolds. 

Christine Palmer was not present in her own bedchamber. 

Most likely, she had been kicked out of her own room by these eight women. 

Loki sighed and said, "The eight of you are time travelers, then? You've killed my sorceress?"

"We did not kill her, sire!" The tallest woman said, with a proud grin. "She is safe and you will find her if you open that closet door!"

With theatrical flair, the silly witch pointed at the walk in closet. 

Loki shrugged. 

He opened the door and found that Christine Palmer was indeed inside the closet. She had been tied up, gagged, and blindfolded. 

He snapped his fingers and released her from the bindings. 

Christine laughed and grinned at him, but then he snapped his fingers a second time and sent her to Canada's Academic Sanctuary for Mutants. 

It was just as well. He knew her love for him was the infatuation of a fangirl. It was not real love. Christine would be very cross with him, but she would also forgive him because she genuinely believed herself to be in love with him. 

"You dislike your companion, sire?" The tallest witch said. 

"Why have you silly witches blind folded yourselves?" Loki said, impatiently. "Are you here to spout some silly nonsense about me being your Sandman?"

"No, sire," The tallest witch said. "You are clearly Cupid Valentine himself?"

"Is that so?" Loki said, tilting his head. "You've mistaken me for Kay West Cupid Beaufoy and now you've traveled here and disrupted my play date to ask Venus Aphrodite Allison to grant you a happy marriage and a full harem?"

"No sire!" The tallest witch said. "We have made no mistake. We seek the god of love and lust? We have blind folded ourselves because we have heard the tale of the god who believes himself to be a hideous beast despite the fact that he is the most beautiful angel that ever fell from the heavens? We will politely maintain our blind folds in the hopes that you might enjoy a hedonistic orgy with us? We will not look upon you with our mortal eyes and we hope that if we restrain ourselves from looking upon your glory... you will feast on us?"

"Bloody fucking hell," Loki said, groaning. "I'm not the son of Aphrodite! Aphrodite is just an immortal alien woman who lives on planet Venus! They built their city under Venus's mantle when they polluted their atmosphere!"

"I know that, Number Five!" The tallest witch said. 

Angrily, she removed her blindfold and glared at him. 

Loki squinted at her, intently studied her face, and then said, "Oh. You're Aphrodite herself?"

"Yes, I am!" Aphrodite said, hotly. "Do you not recognize your favored Valkyrie? I have been chasing you through time and space for eons, Loki! Eons! Why do you run from me?"

"You need to be nice to the humans, Allie!" Loki said, impatiently. "You cannot kidnap and hog tie any human woman you grow jealous of, Allison!" 

"I'm sorry!" Aphrodite cried. "Please stop leaving me for humans, Loki! I promise to be a good girl if you would just stop leaving me for humans!"

"I'm not leaving you, you stupid woman!" Loki shouted. "Why the fuck do you keep accusing me of leaving you? Did we not draw up a schedule for our visits?"

"I demand a better schedule!" Aphrodite shrieked, with magic in her voice. "I demand to see my favored Cupid more often, Loki! What the fuck is wrong with you, you selfish man?!"

"God fucking dammit!" Loki said. "You could have just said that like a sensible woman? You didn't need to orchestrate a kidnapping?"

"This wasn't a kidnapping!" Aphrodite said. 

She snapped her fingers and the seven women who surrounded her disappeared with a bright flash of blue light. She must have sent them to their homes. 

"You have too many fans, Loki!" Aphrodite screamed. "Your fangirls have been hounding me for the chance to spend Valentine's Day with you!"

"Valentine's Day?" Loki said, frowning thoughtfully. "What is that? A new holiday?"

"Yes!" Aphrodite said, with the air of a woman who was talking to a very stupid little boy. "The humans named the holiday after one of your variants!"

"When did they do a silly thing like that?" Loki said, tilting his head. 

"I don't fucking know!" Aphrodite said, throwing her hands up.

Then she pointed at him like the imperial queen she was and said, "I demand your love and affection!"

"You already have my love and affection, you silly goddess!" Loki said. "Would you please settle down?"

"I will not!" Aphrodite said.

"What should we do, then?" Loki said. "Should I find one of my younger variants and persuade him to move in with you?"

"I'm already living with one of your younger variants, Loki!" Aphrodite shrieked. 

"Then what is the fucking problem here?!" Loki bellowed. "Do you people hear yourselves howling at the blood moon like mad wolves? I'm only one man, Allie! I cannot be everywhere at once!"

"Fuck it!" Aphrodite shouted. "I demand to move in with you and your husband! I demand to live with you in 2034 with you and your boorish husband!"

"Hmm," Loki said. "I'll need to ask him for permission?"

"Fine," Aphrodite said, calmly taking a deep breath. "Please ask him for permission?"

"Very well?" Loki said. "I will do so poste haste?"

"Yessir," Aphrodite said, nodding. "After you have done so, please find me in this very room on this very day? Please?"

"Aye aye," Loki said. 

Then he teleported back to 2034 and found Thor sitting at the oak desk in the Queenly bedchamber. 

"I grant you every permission, King Loki!" Thor shouted, as soon as he spotted Loki. "Please come back with your favored lover! I grant you permission!"

"Excellent," Loki said, shortly. 

Then he traveled back to February 14th, 2025, and tackled his Aphrodite Queen. 

She giggled like a happy little girl and allowed him to teleport her forward in time. 

They landed in the Asgard Queenly bedchamber upon the Queenly bed. 

"It's nice to see you again, Prince Allie Hawtrey," Thor said, politely. "Please be kind to my spouse?"

"Yessir!" Aphrodite said, saluting Thor like a military woman. "I will be kind to your spouse!"

Loki laughed. 

"Were the two of you negotiating while I wasn't around?" Loki said, raising his eyebrows. 

"Yes, Loki," Thor said, nodding firmly. "Yes, we were. And I said I would give you a full harem when I married you, did I not? Did I not say that, Loki?"

"You did," Loki said, blinking. "Hmm. I suppose I didn't believe you?" 

"Please believe me from now on, Prince Loki," Thor said, softly. "I will give my prince everything he desires? I will give my queen everything he desires?"

"That is, um, that is generous of you?" Loki said. "Please be kind to my Aphrodite?"

"Yes, sire," Thor said. "I will be very kind to her."

Then Thor extended a hand towards Aphrodite. 

She grinned at him and took his hand. 

Politely as an errant king, Thor pulled Aphrodite up off the bed. 

Then he gave her a kiss on her forehead. 

She giggled. 

Then Aphrodite gave Thor kisses on both of his cheeks like a French woman greeting a cousin. 

"I see," Loki said, thoughtfully. "Will the two of you calm down and be kind to the humans if I promise to stay put in 2034 for at least a decade?"

"Yes!" They both shouted. 

"Good job," Loki said, approvingly. "I will take a little vacation with the two of you, hmm? The three of us will live peaceably on Asgard from 2034 until 2044? Then I will return to my job with the TVA and I will bring the both of you with me?"

"Thank you, Loki!" Thor said. "I will be a good TVA agent!"

"I'll be a very good TVA agent!" Aphrodite said, eagerly. "Please train me and help me be a good agent!"

"Yes, yes," Loki said, rolling his eyes. 

Then he smiled fondly at them and patted his bed while raising his eyebrows. 

They both got onto the bed, on either side of him, and they cuddled with him like two people who were happy just to receive hugs and forehead kisses. 

It was a good day. 

A good decade. 

It was also the start of a good century. 

The best century he'd ever spent with Thor, in fact. 

They didn't know it yet, but they would have a very happy marriage. A peaceful one. A romantic one. A polyamorous marriage with freedom, books, and time travel. 

It was everything Loki had ever wanted in a marriage. 

In all the eons, in all the arranged marriages that Loki had found himself begrudgingly agreeing to, Thor was the best spouse Loki had ever been shoved towards. 

For he was a spouse who knew Loki better than any other. 

Chapter Text

While Loki was exploring one of Terra's largest cities, he met a man who called himself Kay West Beaufoy Universe. 

"What's up, Cozen?" Beaufoy said, grinning mischievously. "Ready for some April fools?" 

"Oh?" Loki said, chuckling. "Is that a new Terran holiday?" 

"Yessir," Beaufoy said, blushing like a virgin bride. 

Loki hummed thoughtfully, leaned forward, and tossed his beautiful red hair over his shoulder. 

"How do the Terrans celebrate this holiday?" Loki whispered, seductively. 

"They call it Virtual Reality," Beaufoy said, giggling like an excited schoolboy. "Augmented Reality, you know? They play with their robots like LARPing Shakespearean actors and they battle each other with fearsome nobility." 

"Aha!" Loki said, gleefully. 

He snapped his fingers and summoned his favored battle leathers. 

He also used his magic to darken his red hair. 

Now it was as glistening as a fair raven's black wings. 

"Sexy," Beaufoy said, whistling appreciatively. 

"I will play along with the Terrans," Loki said, cheerfully. "What are the rules of the game?" 

"You've gotta conduct yourself like a Hollywood actor," Beaufoy said, with a twinkle in his eye. "I wrote a script for you, sir. Will you read it?" 

"Yes I will, good sir," Loki said, beaming at him. "For I love nothing more than a handsome bard who would put me upon his stage." 

Beaufoy sighed like a lovelorn maiden, flamboyantly fanned himself, and then pulled a script out of the satchel he carried over his shoulder. 

He gave the script to Loki and spent three weeks practicing the lines with Loki. 

He said he would ask Asgard's youngest prince to be one of his actors, but that he would act out all of the young Odinson's lines for him while Loki learned and practiced them. 

It was a wonderful three weeks of theater. 

Then, after Beaufoy was satisfied that Loki had properly learned his lines, he sent Loki to New York, New York to perform with the other Terran actors who were visiting the city's amphitheater.

It was an eventful battle, a fearsome performance, and a satisfying beginning for Earth's mightiest heroes. 

Loki was pleased with the Avenger's team of gallant heroes that were born from the performance. 

He knew these Arthurian knights were being trained as Terra's latest Truman Hunger Tributes, so he dedicated himself to the role of super villain like a ghostly jedi that aimed to guide his young padawans towards the light side of the force by any means necessary.

Then Loki made his wicked escape while laughing maniacally. 

Chapter Text

Loki fell out of a tree and was caught by an Asian man. 

"You cannot climb the Hawtrey!" the Asian man shouted. "You cannot climb its branches, you silly little fairy!"

Loki blinked up at the man, baffled. 

The Asian man put Loki back down on his feet and Loki realized he had just been carried, bridal style, after falling out of a tree like some kind of airheaded damsel. 

Then he realized the Asian man was significantly shorter than Loki himself. 

"Do you have super strength?" Loki said, incredulously. "How did you carry me just now? How did you catch me as I fell and hold me up so effortlessly?"

"I'm half Vanir!" the Asian man said, impatiently. "I am much stronger and much older than I look, xodó. I am timeless. I am immortal. I am Eternal."

Loki frowned at him. 

Then he snapped his fingers in recognition and said, "O.B.?"

The Asian man, who Loki now recognized as O.B., frowned like a sulky teenager. 

"What did you just call me?" O.B. said, suspiciously. "Was that meant to be an insult?"

"No," Loki said. "Isn't your name O.B.?"

"No," O.B. said. "What kind of a silly name is that?"

"Hmm," Loki said. "It was meant to stand for something, but I seem to have misplaced my mind?"

"Misplaced your mind?" O.B. said., huffing. "How did you do that? Was it the Hawtrey?"

"Hawtrey?" Loki said. 

He glanced up at the tree he had fallen out of. It was the largest ash tree that Loki had ever seen. Its impressive branches and leaves were towering over them and blocking out the sky, stretching outwards for what must have been miles. 

O.B. sighed, shook his head, and then sternly wagged a finger at Loki. 

"You cannot climb the Hawtrey!" O.B. said, sounding like someone's disappointed uncle. "You just lost your mind, xodó, and it is your own fault! You climbed the Hawtrey and she must have taken your mind as her meal."

"Is that so?" Loki said, frowning thoughtfully. "But I have retained enough to know who I am. I know enough to know who you are as well, sir. Hmm, it is clear to me that you... hmm... you are O.B.?"

"I'm not O.B." O.B. said, shaking his head. "I fear you have mistaken me for my twin?"

"Twin?" Loki said. "You have a twin?"

"We all do," O.B. said, nodding wisely. 

"I had no idea?" Loki said. "Wait! Aha! You speak of the variants?"

"Yes xodó," O.B. said, chuckling nervously. "The doppelgängers."

"When the hell am I?" Loki said, glancing around at the forest they were standing in. "How did I land here?"

"This is Paris," O.B. said. "It will be Paris, in any case. For now, it is Hawtrey Forest. It is also known as Neverland, the Vanir Queendom, and France."

"Pardon?" Loki said. "I thought the Vanir Queendom was hidden within Saturn?"

"The gas giant?" O.B. said, tilting his head. "How would we breathe if we were inside Saturn?"

"With technology of some sort?" Loki said. "Aren't you an engineer, sir?"

"No?" O.B. said. "I'm simply a man whose father was an elf. My father tumbled a mortal woman. Then I was born."

"Oho," Loki said, chuckling heartily. "A halfling? How old are you, sir?"

O.B. shrugged. "I've lost track. I'm Eternal."

"Me too," Loki said. "Hmm. I fear I am in the wrong timeline today?"

"You certainly are!" O.B. said, angrily. "Why did you climb the Hawtrey? Hmm? Why did you do that to yourself, xodó?"

"I had a good reason, I'm sure," Loki said, rubbing at his temples as he searched for the memory. "I feel as though... hmm... there was some sort of calamity? I needed to hold the branches up. They were collapsing?"

"Is that what happened?" O.B. said. "Or is that what will happen?"

"I have no Earthly idea," Loki said, groaning. 

O.B. grinned at him and laughed. 

"I apologize for addressing you with the wrong name," Loki said, directing his most winsome smile at the half elf. "If you are not O.B... who are you?"

"That is a tricky question, xodó," O.B. said. "My companions often call me a Chinese dragon, but I am not Chinese. Some of them call me an Egyptian god, but I am not Egyptian. And some of them call me Greek. I believe I was born that year? I was Greek, but I was not Greek?"

"We've narrowed down the year you were born to the time of the Greek philosophers," Loki said, nodding. "You must have been born while those famous men enjoyed their prosperity, but you were born on the Eastern side of Terra's planet? You are clearly an Asian man, O.B."

"Indeed," O.B. said, nervously fidgeting with his hands. "Yet my father was a Vanir elf. I know this fact to be unwavering. Because my father was an elf, I gained his immortality."

"Very good," Loki said, approvingly. "I believe I had a similar experience? My mother was some sort of fire demon and my father was some sort of ice giant."

"How is that a similar experience?" O.B. said, blinking in confusion. 

"My father was mortal," Loki elaborated. "But my mother was Eternal."

"Aha," O.B. said. "Then the both of us are just the same. We are both halflings."

"But you misplaced your name?" Loki said. "Did you really forget your own name?"

"I've been here in the Hawtrey Forest for eons," O.B. said. "We don't need names while we dance in the woods, xodó." 

"Xodó is a term of endearment?" Loki said, hesitantly. "Portuguese?" 

"Portuguese?" O.B. said, giggling like a delighted schoolboy. "Is that what you would like me to call you?"

"Of course not," Loki said, impatiently. "I'm Loki of Asgard."

O.B. blushed and then beamed at Loki as if he had just received a gift. 

"I'll take care of you, Loki of Asgard," O.B. said, with the air of a man who was prepared to juggle flaming swords. "I'll be your O.B."

Then O.B. snapped his fingers. 

Loki blinked and the forest was gone. 

The two of them were standing in a familiar city which Loki recognized as Terra's most famous village: Paris, France. 

"Oho," Loki said, grinning in delight as soon as he spotted the Eiffel Tower. "You know how to teleport through time and space at will?"

"Of course, xodó," O.B. said. "I'm a half elf. Spatial teleporting is my favored skill. Normally, I wouldn't dabble with time magic, but I felt that you would be more comfortable in 1887."

"Thank you," Loki said. "I have the vague sense that I've been here before."

O.B. gave Loki a friendly pat on the shoulder. 

"You will be treated kindly here, Loki of Asgard," O.B. said, cheerfully. "This is where you belong?"

"Hmm," Loki said. "I think we've gotten close, but... hmm... I'm not fluent in French?"

"French?" O.B. said. "What is that?"

"A language," Loki said. "My mother tongue is not French. I feel as though I learned the language, at one point, but I lost my fluency when I climbed Hawtrey's branches."

"I understand," O.B. said, softly. "We are lost in a city with people who do not speak the same language that you speak?"

"Yes, O.B.," Loki said, gently. "But don't you worry. I know how to get us to safety. Unless you speak French yourself? We might stay if you speak it?"

"I'm afraid I don't speak French, Loki of Asgard," O.B. said. "What language should we be speaking?"

"The language we are already speaking?" Loki said. 

"Which language is that?" O.B. said.

"The Alltongue," Loki said. 

Then he frowned. 

"Wait," Loki said. "Hold on."

Quite suddenly, there was a strange ringing in his ears. There was a pounding headache behind his eyes and a bright blue light. 

Loki clutched at his head and squeezed his eyes shut. 

Then the kind Asian man who had allowed Loki to name him O.B. was giving Loki a comforting hug. 

Loki clutched at him like a drowning man, then fainted. 

When Loki woke up, he was laying upon a bed. 

A familiar red headed man was leaning over him and smiling brightly, looking for all the world like an excitable virgin groom on his wedding day. 

"Artemis?" the red head said. "Do you finally remember your sunlight?"

Loki blinked up at the red headed man. 

"Excuse me?" Loki said. 

"I'm Apollo," the red head said. "I'm Apollo, Jupiter, and Odin. Do you finally remember your sunlight?"

"My what?" Loki said, incredulously. 

He sat up and glanced around. It looked like he was laying upon the Kingly bed of Asgard. The bed was large, covered in pillows, and elevated on a platform. 

"I am your King Apollo," the red head said. "I am Odin Wednesday Ragnarök."

"Ragnarök?" Loki said, flinching away from the man and crawling backwards until his back was up against the headboard behind him. 

"Do not fear me, Moonflower!" Odin said, holding his hands up peaceably. "I will respect you as a man, yes? I understand that my Artemis would prefer to conduct himself as a man. I will respect your wishes, hmm? Please be calm?"  

"I beg your bloody pardon?" Loki shouted. 

"I said I will respect your wishes!" Odin said, huffing. "I recognize that your people are hermaphrodites. I recognize it and I would like to be a good husband, hmm? I told the people of Asgard that they must address you as Prince Artemis. You will be respected as a prince errant."

Loki squinted at the suspicious red head. 

"Why do you look so familiar?" Loki said. "And what have you done to O.B.?"

"The half elf?" Odin said, scoffing. "I simply punished him for taking my Prince Artemis!"

Loki flinched. 

"I did not kill him!" Odin shouted. "Why do you flinch from me as if I am the Hunchback of Notre Dame himself? Am I that hideous amongst your people, Artemis?"

"Yes you are, Ragnarök!" Loki shrieked. "You are an ugly man, Ragnarök!"

"I apologize, Artemis!" Odin yelled. "Please don't cry! I will fetch your half elf for you, hmm? We'll make him one of your concubines?"

"Bloody hell!" Loki shouted. "I don't need a concubine!" 

"We'll call him a royal consort," Odin said, reassuringly. "Will that do?"

"Very well!" Loki said. "He better not be a dead man, Odin, or so help me I will kill myself!" 

"I understand, Moonflower!" Odin said. "I will rescue your half elf from the dungeons!" 

"Why the bloody hell was he in the dungeons in the first place, Odin!" Loki screamed. "Why are you such a barbarian!" 

"He took my Moonflower!" Odin shrieked. "I had to punish him for taking my Moonflower!"

"I am not your Moonflower!" Loki bellowed. "Nor am I your Prince Artemis! My name is Loki!"

"Yes, sire!" Odin said, hastily. "Your name is Prince Loki and I will politely address you as my beautiful Prince Loki!"

"Good!" Loki said, hotly. "Get out of my sight and rescue O.B. from the dungeons!"

"Yes, sire!" Odin said. 

He fled from the Kingly bedchamber. 

And Loki was simply left sitting there on the bed with his heart beating wildly in his chest. 

He nearly fainted a second time as the ringing in his ears returned. There was a blue light glowing all about him. 

He was nearly lost to the magic, but then O.B. was standing in front of the Kingly bed and cautiously crawling onto it. 

"Hush little fairy, don't you cry," O.B. whispered, tenderly. "I'll protect you from the Viking. I'll keep you safe, Loki."

"I'm so sorry, sir!" Loki cried. "Did they hurt you?!"

O.B. crawled towards Loki and then gathered Loki up into his arms, hugging him like a shield brother would softly hug his comrade. 

"No, no, no," O.B. said, reassuringly. "I am a very strong man. I am Eternal. I cannot be killed. I cannot be injured."

"Don't lie to me!" Loki shrieked. 

Then he fainted again.  

Loki woke up in his bedchamber. His books had been ransacked and all of his potions were missing, but otherwise there was nothing the matter. 

I must have upset the Allfather, Loki thought, sighing. 

Cautiously, he ventured out of his bedchamber and looked for King Odin. 

I'll get to the bottom of this, Loki thought. Once I find out the source of my mistake, I'll win back my potions. 

There was a commotion all over Asgard when Prince Artemis finally returned from the dead. Thor knew Prince Artemis would not enjoy the women who would hound him, so he made sure to guard the hallway that led to Prince Artemis's bedchamber. 

The handsome Prince Artemis scowled at Thor when he came upon him in the hallway. 

"What are you doing, you brainless oaf?" Prince Artemis said, sneering up at him. "Why are you standing alone in a hallway with your sword up as if you're about to be attacked by dragons?"

"I simply aim to protect you from the maidens?" Thor said, cautiously. 

Thor lowered his sword because he knew Prince Artemis did not enjoy them. He politely holstered it upon his belt. 

He also knew there was nothing Prince Artemis hated more than being protected, but Thor was determined to protect him anyway. 

"I beg your pardon?" Prince Artemis said. "Why would I need to be protected from the maidens of Asgard?"

"They love you very much, my prince," Thor said. "I fear they will cry and wail at the very sight of you?"

Prince Artemis blinked, looking baffled by the idea. 

"What on Earth has gotten into you, Thor?" Prince Artemis said. "Did you injure your head in one of your mad jousts?"

"No, sire," Thor said. 

"Do not call me sire!" Prince Artemis shouted. "I am not a sire. Why would you call me a sire?"

"I apologize?" Thor said, blinking. 

In the past, there was nothing Prince Artemis loved more than being called a sire. It was odd that he no longer enjoyed it, but Thor would use any title that his prince preferred. 

"How should I address you from now on?" Thor said, with a gentle smile. 

"Simply as Loki!" Prince Artemis said, huffing angrily. "Am I not your brother Loki?"

"My brother Loki?" Thor said, chuckling. "If that is what you would like to be? I will call you my brother Loki."

"What on Earth has gotten into you, Thor?" Prince Artemis said, with his hands on his hips. "Is the Allmother well?" 

"She is well," Thor said, nodding politely.

Prince Artemis frowned, thoughtfully, and then winced and rubbed at his head. 

"Does your head pain you, brother Loki?" Thor said. "Might I ask the healers for some potions on your behalf?"

Prince Artemis flinched. 

Then he closed his eyes. 

"Prince?" Thor said, softly. "What ails you, my prince?"

"Blast it!" Prince Artemis said, opening his eyes and revealing that they were glassy with unshed tears. "What have I done to upset the Allfather, Thor? Please tell me!"

"You have not upset anyone, Prince Loki," Thor said. "Please calm yourself? I will escort you to the healer's hall. I fear you might have caught an illness on the other side?" 

"Other side?" Prince Artemis said. "What other side, Thor?"

"The other side of the veil?" Thor said. 

"Veil?" Prince Artemis said. "You speak of Hawtrey?"

"Aye?" Thor said. "Did you not return to us from Valhalla with your magic, as you always do?"

"Is that what happened?" Prince Artemis said, wincing again as tears fell down his face. 

"May I hug you, Prince Loki?" Thor said, opening his arms invitingly. 

"No!" Prince Artemis shouted. 

Then he teleported, disappearing with a bright flash of green magic. 

This is the wrong year! Loki thought. I do not belong in 1887!

He knew enough to know that he needed to find O.B.

That was all he knew. 

I must not forget that his new name is Prince Loki! Thor thought, running through the halls of Asgard as he searched for the weeping prince. I must behave myself as a good shield brother, for my prince has named me his brother!

He finally found Prince Loki inside the feasting hall. 

Prince Loki was anxiously walking around amongst the Aesir and searching all of the faces about him like a confused young Vanir who had lost his people. 

"I will help you, Prince Loki!" Thor shouted. "Please allow me to be your knight errant!"

Loki looked up at him, scowled, and yelled, "Where is the Vanir half elf known as O.B.? He is a handsome Asian man! What have you done to him?!"

"I will find him for you!" Thor yelled back, dutifully. "I will find him, Prince Loki! Do not cry! For I will find him!"

Then Thor and Prince Loki simply searched throughout the Feasting Hall until they finally found an Asian half elf who answered to the name O.B. 

"Silly fairy," O.B. said, when he laid eyes on Prince Loki. "I fear my xodó has gotten lost?"

"This is the wrong timeline, O.B.!" Prince Loki said. "We must leave!"

"Yes," O.B. said, nodding wisely. "I will help you leave."

"Wait!" Thor said. "Take me with you, Prince Loki! Don't leave your brother behind!"

"Very bloody well!" Loki said, impatiently. "You have to promise me you won't behave yourself like a pea brained little Viking!"

"Yes, sire!" Thor said. "Please take me with you!"

Aggressively, Loki grabbed Thor by an elbow and then grabbed the Asian half elf by his elbow as well.

Then Loki used his magic and took the three of them to 2012. 

Thor didn't know he was in 2012, at first, but Loki later explained that he knew he belonged in 2012 because the magical ash tree known as Hawtrey had given him a vision. 

Prince Artemis had always been the most intelligent mage in all of Asgard, so Thor trusted him to know what he was talking about when magic was concerned. 

He suspected the Allmother would scold him for disappearing from Asgard for over a hundred years, but he also knew she would forgive him because she was a woman who believed in true love. 

She would support his quest to win the heart of the fair Prince Artemis. 

That is to say, the fair Prince Loki, for Artemis had changed his name to Loki. 

I'll be a good shield brother, Thor thought. And I will never let my prince die again! 

"Please stay calm, xodó," O.B. said. "I'll help you find the TVA agents. Then they will help you find your kin."

"I already found my kin," Loki said, breathlessly. "I have Thor. He is all I need. Please don't trouble yourself? You are not my genie and I am not your master."

"Yes," O.B. said. "But you are my kin and I am your godfather."

"What on Earth are you talking about?" Loki said, huffing. "That cannot be the case, O.B. Did I disturb you when I fell in the forest? I apologize for losing my mind like a headless chicken, but I've found my brother. We'll be fine now. You don't need to concern yourself with me?"

"Might I concern myself with you anyway?" O.B. whispered, conspiratorially. "We will be the Warriors Three, hmm? The three of us will be merry men."

Loki chuckled. 

"Is that what you want?" Loki said. "Be honest, please."

O.B. smiled an aggressive shit eating grin like a man who had just found his messiah. 

"I want you," O.B. said, nodding firmly. "Please don't send me away?"

"You want me?" Loki said, frowning in befuddlement. "What do you mean by that?"

"Simply what I said?" O.B. said. "I say what I mean and mean what I say, for I am a light elf?"

"Hmm," Loki said. "Very well. You may stay for as long as you like and share my hearth. You may come as you please and leave as you please."

"Thank you," O.B. said. "I'll keep you safe, Prince Loki. I'll help you escape from the gods."

"Which gods?" Loki said, tilting his head and raising his eyebrows. 

O.B. smiled mischievously. 

Then he simply said, "All of them."

"Very well?" Loki said. 

"My name is Ouroboros," O.B. said, cheerfully. 

"I know that, O.B.," Loki said, impatiently. "We've met before."

Chapter Text

2012 was a good year. It then became a good decade. Loki spent his decade alone with Thor in the wooden cabin that his godmother had gifted to them. 

Then, in 2022, they were visited by a friendly young man. 

He politely knocked on the cabin door and smiled at Loki when Loki opened the door. 

"Hello, sir," the man said. "My name is Viktor Shade. I'm looking for Erwin Peña Černý Schrödinger's Sānctus."

"I beg your pardon?" Loki said, frowning. "I'm not a sānctus."

"You're not?" Viktor said, tilting his head. "Are you sure, sir?"

"Hmm," Loki said. "Why are you looking for a sānctus?"

"My wife is looking for a scholar to help her with her school," Viktor said. "She said she wanted me to look for Erwin Peña Černý Schrödinger's Sānctus because he was a man who would be a very good college professor."

Loki grinned. "Is that so? What subject does your wife teach at her school?"

"Religious Studies, Astronomy, and History," Viktor said. "She said The Sānctus was an expert in these three fields and that I needed to recruit a man who uses the super hero name Sānctus Loki Moonhunter."

"Aha!" Loki said, chuckling. "I am indeed Sānctus Loki Moonhunter, but do not confuse me for a literal sānctus, young man. I'm not a sānctus."

"I understand that, sir," Viktor said, grinning in amusement. "The humans often confuse me for a sānctus as well because I'm a man with powerful abilities."

"Oho," Loki said, studying the man intently. "You are not human, sir?"

"No sir," Viktor said, nodding firmly. "I'm not human. I can fly whenever I like and sometimes I glow, a bit. But only when I've lost control of myself. I do my best to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground. I try to keep my light under a bushel because I don't want to frighten the humans."

Loki laughed. "I fare the same, sir!"

Viktor held his left hand out towards Loki, in a friendly manner, and said, "Won't you be a professor at my wife's school, sir? We would be happy to pay you handsomely. My wife tells me you are the most talented professor on Terra."

Loki did not hesitate to grasp the charming man's hand. 

He was pulled through a portal, but he did not find this alarming. 

Glancing around, Loki was greeted by an impressive library. 

"We've collected every relevant History book," Viktor said, politely. "And every relevant Astronomy textbook. We'll need help gathering the correct texts for our Religious Studies classes, however, because it is a subject that is filled with contradictions."

"Eureka!" Loki said, laughing joyfully. "I know just how to find the books you seek, sir. I will hunt them down for you and then I will return with them?"

"That would be wonderful, sir," Viktor said. "Please take your time with the search? We are in no hurry. Take as long as you need and then return to us right here when you've found the books we'll need for our students."

"Yessir!" Loki said, giving the charming fellow his most winsome smile. "I imagine it'll take me a year or two, but I'll be a diligent archeologist." 

"Thank you, sir," Viktor said. 

Viktor let go of Loki's hand and politely stepped back. 

Loki nodded at him, chuckled once more, and then returned to his cabin to alert Thor. 

He found that Thor was still asleep in the bed they shared. He was sleeping away like a handsome sleeping beauty. 

Gently, Loki shook his shield brother awake. 

"Thor?" Loki whispered. "Might you get up a little bit earlier than usual today?"

Thor quickly opened his eyes, blinked sleepily, and yawned. 

"Aye?" Thor said, sitting up. "Is something the matter, Loki?"

"Just the opposite, brother!" Loki said, laughing heartily. "I've found us a noble quest!"

Thor grinned. "I love quests, Loki."

"As do I!" Loki said. "Shall we sail off around the globe like two archeologists hunting for buried treasure?"

"Aye aye!" Thor said. "Where you go, I will follow!"

"Very good," Loki said, smiling fondly at his companion. "We must find the lost books of Rome, Greece, and Egypt. I have been informed that there are some young scholars who are in need of a Religious Studies professor. We must find these books so that I might teach the scholars all that I know!" 

"Aha!" Thor said. "I will help you find your books, Prince Loki!"

"Thank you, Prince Thor!" Loki said. "You are a good shield brother, this decade!"

"I will be a good shield brother every decade, Loki!" Thor said, as enthusiastically as a little boy upon his favored uncle's lap. "Please don't hesitate to invite me whenever you have a quest?"

"Aye aye," Loki said, chuckling. "I won't hesitate to invite you."

With that decided, Loki began packing travel bags for them. He wanted to begin his search in Greece. 

Thor was a dutiful companion. He went outside and collected the necessary supplies that Loki sent him to search for. 

Then the two of them set off to enjoy a wholesome quest. 

The books were easy to find. It was almost disappointing. There weren't any booby traps. There weren't any magical guardians. There weren't even any humans with knives or ropes. 

Loki collected the books and was puzzled by how easy it had been, but he shrugged his shoulders and was simply glad to know that none had disturbed his treasures while he had been on Asgard. 

For once, Thor was a well behaved Viking. He didn't shout at any of the humans and he didn't pout or peevishly whinge when they discovered there weren't any exciting booby traps to battle against. 

Instead, he only smiled at Loki and offered to carry the books. 

There were a lot of books, so Loki declined this offer. It was more sensible to simply stow the books in his pocket dimension. 

Thor laughed when Loki did this and said, "You are a mysterious mage, Loki. Your magic is impressive, as always."

Loki frowned. "Pardon?"

"I admire your magic," Thor said, tilting his head. "And I respect you as a powerful wizard?"

"Is something the matter, Thor?" Loki said. "You don't need to stroke my ego?"

"Nothing is the matter?" Thor said, blinking bemusedly. 

Loki squinted at him, suspiciously, then shrugged and grabbed Thor by an elbow so he could take them both back to their cabin in the woods.

Then Loki said, "Very well, Thor. What would you like to do with yourself while I teach at my new university?"

"What do you mean, brother?" Thor said. 

"I aim to spend my decade as a college professor," Loki said. "What will you do with yourself while I'm gone?"

Thor frowned. "I said I would follow you?"

"Yes, Thor," Loki said, rolling his eyes. "But this quest was completed more quickly than I had imagined it would be. We've already rescued my books."

"Aye?" Thor said. 

"Now I'm going to conduct myself as a professor," Loki said. "I simply want to know what you will do with yourself while I'm gone? I suppose you don't need to tell me. You can do whatever you'd like? I won't pry into your secrets." 

"Secrets?" Thor said, huffing. "What secrets? I don't have any?"

"Yes, yes," Loki said, rolling his eyes. "Pardon me. Will you simply return to Asgard, then? Visit with your mother?"

"Is that what I should do?" Thor said, frowning mulishly. 

"Yes?" Loki said. "Don't you suppose the Allmother misses you by now?"

"Hmm," Thor said, looking down at his feet. "I suppose?"

"Be a good son, hmm?" Loki said, persuasively. "Stop in at Asgard to visit your mother. Heimdall will allow you to visit Midgard again whenever you'd like."

Thor looked back up. "Can I visit you at your university?"

"No, no," Loki said. "Please don't do that."

"Why not?" Thor said, pouting. 

"You would find it very tiresome, Thor," Loki said, patiently. "I'll be with students who do not have your strength. You won't be able to tussle with them."

"So?" Thor said. 

"You won't have any warriors," Loki said, tilting his head. "Don't you miss your jousts? You can visit with Lady Sif and the Warriors Three while I'm teaching at the university. You can enjoy your games with them and then I'll see you next decade, hmm?"

"Next decade?!" Thor said, looking alarmed. "You aim to spend an entire decade teaching at a university?"

"Of course?" Loki said. "I might spend two or three decades there, in fact, if I enjoy the staff."

"But then when will I see you?" Thor said, mournfully. "I won't see you for three decades?"

"I'll stop in to visit you during the holidays, if you like?" Loki said. "While my students are away from their studies, I'll stop in at Asgard?"

"I thought you wanted to avoid Asgard?" Thor said. "Didn't you say you hated Odin and you hated Asgard?"

"Yes," Loki said. "But I'll visit you. Surely the Allfather will allow me to visit my shield brother?"

"Loki!" Thor said, angrily. "Why can't I go to the university with you?"

"Because you'll get bored, Thor!" Loki said. "I know you like the back of my hand, brother. You will get very bored and then you'll be very sad!"

"I won't be sad!" Thor said. "I'll be sad without you, Prince Loki! Please don't leave me behind!"

"Why would you be sad without me?" Loki said, blinking. 

"I love you!" Thor said. 

"I love you too, Thor!" Loki said, huffing. "It's not as if we've never spent a decade apart before?" 

"I spent several decades without you while you were dead, sire!" Thor cried. 

Then the silly man was crying hysterically. 

"What on Earth are you talking about, you brainless oaf?!" Loki shouted. "I never died, Thor! I wasn't dead!"

"Yes you did!" Thor yelled. "You threw yourself off the rainbow bridge!"

Loki flinched. 

"Aha!" Thor screamed. "You remember throwing yourself off the rainbow bridge!"

"I didn't die!" Loki shrieked. "I survived!" 

"I mourned you for eons, Loki!" Thor sobbed. "Please don't leave me to grieve you again!"

"I won't jump off the bridge again!" Loki shouted. "Would you please calm down?"

"I will not calm down!" Thor cried. 

Then the big man was crying too much to speak. 

Hastily, Loki gave him a hug. 

Then he sang a comforting campfire song. 

This did the trick. Thor eventually halted his crying and sniffed, dolefully. 

"Very well, brother," Loki said, softly. "I apologize for being reckless. I won't force you to go back to Asgard, but will you please be sensible? Don't follow me to the university. You would not enjoy yourself there."

"Then what should I do, Loki?" Thor said, sulkily. 

"Why don't you invite your companions to visit you here, hmm?" Loki said. "Ask Lady Sif and the Warriors Three to adventure with you here on Midgard? I'll meet you here in our cabin twice a year?"

"Twice a year?!" Thor said. "That is not often enough, Loki!" 

"Very well!" Loki said. "I'll visit you once a month!"

"Good!" Thor said. "Please visit me once a month!"

"Alright!" Loki said, throwing his hands up and stepping back. "Beginning next month, I'll visit you on the first of every month!"

"Wait!" Thor said. 

But Loki did not wait. He teleported. 

Tony was watching the Norse brothers fight with each other over the cameras when Vision came into the security room. 

"Perhaps you should give them some privacy, sir?" Vision said. 

"They're acting like a pair of dudes in one of those soap operas!" Tony said, laughing maniacally. "They're acting like brothers in one of those hospital dramas and one of them just woke up from a coma with amnesia or something!"

"I understand that you find them amusing," Vision said. "But you should respect their privacy, sir."

There was a bright flash of green light on the screen and Loki was gone. 

Now Thor was alone in front of their cabin and he was crying like a big old baby. 

Tony pointed at the screen, laughed some more, and said, "What the heck has gotten into the big ol' God of Thunder, huh? What's wrong with Pointbreak?"

"He's a war veteran, sir," Vision said. "Loki almost died during one of the wars they were fighting last decade."

"Is that what happened?" Tony said. "I ought to install some microphones. Next time, I want to hear what they're yelling at each other."

"You shouldn't do that, sir," Vision said, sighing. 

"To bad, so sad," Tony said, laughing maniacally. "The Crying Norse Brothers is my new favorite TV show!"

Vision shook his head, disapprovingly, but he quickly gave up and floated through a wall, leaving Tony behind to gather up as many microphones as he could carry.

He would get into one of the Iron Man stealth suits and invisibly install a bunch of microphones all over Wanda's cabin.

I'm just making sure these psycho aliens don't kill any humans while they're running around like super powered crybabies, Tony thought, grinning to himself. That's what I'll say if S.H.I.E.L.D. tries to bug me about this. 

Planning out an excuse ahead of time was the smart way to go. 

And asking for forgiveness was smarter than asking for permission. 

Wanda was pleasantly surprised when her son teleported into her office. 

"I would like to be a professor at your university," Loki said, shortly. "Your husband tells me you seek a Religious Studies professor?"

They didn't have any students who wanted to learn Religious Studies, but Wanda was more than happy to add the subject to her curriculum as an elective. 

"Yes, Loki," Wanda said, breathlessly. "We need a Religious Studies professor."

"Very good," Loki said, nodding. "May I have room and board in exchange for acting as your professor?" 

"Of course, Loki," Wanda said, smiling nervously. "I'll also give you a generous salary."

Before she could tell him how much she was willing to pay him, Loki teleported again. 

Wanda chuckled. 

Then Loki re-appeared in her office and said, "Wh-where would I be staying?"

"Oh my goodness, sir," Wanda said, anxiously. "Come with me. I'll show you the professor's quarters. Right this way, sir."

There wasn't any such thing as a professor's quarters, but Wanda decided to create a little building beside her house. 

She would be next door neighbors with her lost son and she would be able to watch him walk by her house every day. 

Politely, Loki followed after her as she led him away from her university and towards the wholesome suburb that she lived in with her husband and her other son. 

Her home was within walking distance of the university. 

The new building, which was now right next to Wanda's house, looked like a charming little condominium. 

Loki smiled at it, nodded approvingly, and said, "Thank you for your hospitality, godmother."

"Thank you for your expertise," Wanda said, gently. "I will give you your schedule and let you know when to expect your students?"

"Yes, please," Loki said. "Please do, but please take your time. There is no hurry."

"I understand," Wanda said. "The next semester begins in two weeks. Will you be ready by then? I'll have a classroom full of students for you."

"Yes, ma'am," Loki said, chuckling nervously. 

"Very good, sir," Wanda said, blinking tears out of her eyes. "May I have a hug, Loki?"

"Yes you may," Loki said, opening his arms and anxiously smiling at her. 

Carefully, Wanda gave him a brief hug. 

Then she calmly walked into her own house to see how Loki would react to being her neighbor. 

She glanced at him from out of her window and cheerfully waved. 

Loki waved back. 

Then he went into the new condo that she had made for him and firmly closed the door behind himself. 

This is good, Wanda thought, fondly smiling at his door from her window. He finally feels safe with me. 

It had taken ten years for Loki to feel safe enough to ask her for anything. 

Now that he was finally asking, Wanda was willing to give him anything and everything he could possibly want. 

I'm a good mother, Wanda thought, giggling to herself. I'll win Loki's love once I've shown him that he can trust me to be better than the woman who took him to Asgard. 

Vision chose that moment to gently fly into her house. 

"Did Loki settle in next door?" Vision said, smiling softly. 

"Yes, he did!" Wanda said, opening her arms for a hug. "Our son is finally safe and he's right next door!"

Vision gave her a hug. 

"That's good, Wanda," Vision said. "I'm glad he feels safe."

They simply stood there hugging each other. 

Wanda lost track of the time, but Vision eventually led her to the dinner table. 

He set a meal down in front of her, kissed her on the forehead, and whispered, "You're a good mother, Wanda."

"Thank you!" Wanda cried. "You're such a good husband!"

"Thank you," Vision said. "Our other son told me he wanted to take a vacation with Agatha. Is that alright, honey?"

"Of course," Wanda said, sniffing and wiping the tears off her face. "He can take a vacation with his Aunt Agatha whenever he likes. I promise not to interfere. I'll only help him when he asks for my help."

"Thank you," Vision said. "Please eat, Wanda. You neglected to eat lunch today."

"I did?" Wanda said. "Whoops. I didn't notice."

"I know," Vision said. "Don't worry. I'll take care of you."

Wanda beamed at him. 

Then, after she ate, the two of them got into bed together and cuddled until she fell asleep. 

It was a good day.