Chapter Text
The burden of a name or lack thereof, guilt and regret, stupidity. Something always loomed over someone. It held them down as water rose from beneath their feet. Most don't let the water get high enough to reach their waist. But have you not wondered what it was like to drown even in the absence of water? The feeling of suffocating whilst being able to breathe perfectly fine? Dying despite being physically healthy? Katsuki didn't have a well-known name, only a high status, or a vanished one nor did he pour himself regret and pity, neither was he stupid. Still, there was a weight that weighed heavily on his shoulders. No matter what he did he could not get rid of it.
Death.
It followed everyone. It happened to everyone eventually. Katsuki had seen it with his own eyes. A bug squashed underfoot, a cat unfortunate enough to get hit by a car, a person beaten to death on his mother's order, a person shot dead for trying to harm him. Death came and went in waves; it could be small and insignificant or large and damaging. It could be a light brush against his ankles, tickling him with its coldness or, getting into his lungs where he could taste the salt on his tongue and the sharp, piercing gasps.
For children, it goes unsaid that death was not a usual thought. The concept was so bizarre to them, it was incomprehensible. But time and time again, Katsuki would be wondering — will they come back? But they never did. He understood quickly at the age of six, death was normal. It happened all the time. He also understood that he wasn't normal. It didn't take long for him to realise how different he was to the ones around him. Children would talk about the fun they got up to at the weekend, the new toy they got, it would be a figure of sorts that they'd desperately show off to their peers and proceeded to waft and gloat in their faces. He was stuck by the kid that never did any of that, never had anything to show off and didn't have any talents to be praised for. He would say things like he was glad to spend time with his mother on the weekend, she helped him with his homework and then let him watch television. He would always talk about the show he watched, one about a hero that defeated villains. A good, respectable man. Katsuki liked that. He wanted to watch it but he never did.
Katsuki's 'fun' at the weekend was watching blood seep into wooden floors, seeing a body be dragged off as a trail of red followed; his toys were guns and knives, he'd learn to use them and learned the different kinds. He was told to never tell a soul about it, he couldn't say what he got up to nor could he make anything up because he didn't know. He could show off his talents, he was athletic and smart. Yet, he was that way because his parents wouldn't settle for anything less. That boy he hung out with loved the idea of becoming a hero; Katsuki knew such things didn't exist already. He agreed, the idea was creative and imaginative but, he soon broke it to him that it didn't exist. It wasn't real. In that boy's eyes, he became a villain. He began to gloat and laugh at him— the violent tendencies made even the adults weary of him. That boy is the devil.
His parents never reprimanded his behaviour, they pretended to in front of the teachers and then nothing. Katsuki only realised how wrong they were when he became an adult himself. The devil? He was a child. He supposed that didn't change the hurt he caused, to that boy. Katsuki wondered if he'd driven him to his death, he never saw him after middle-school. Perhaps they went to the same high-school, even though that was a blur for him so how would he know? Even as an adult he was following his parents' whim, going to university to study business so he could inherit their 'company'. It followed him around like a shadow, maybe like water. Water was everywhere after all, the small, invisible vapours in the air or a contained pool.
Katsuki enjoyed pools, having one of his own casually sitting out on his balcony. Like right now, he'd sometimes float in it with his clothes on. If he had any friends, he would imagine them calling him weird for it. Most hated the way wet clothes stuck to your skin, the clammy feeling of it irked him too but he could hardly think about that when floating and staring up at the sky was so calming. Being in a pool was a familiar feeling, after all, Katsuki was born in the deep end.
"Katsuki!", his mother yelled, screeching through his entire apartment to get his attention. Of course, she was already headed straight for the pool after finding the apartment inside desolate and eerily quiet. He listened to her heels clicking across his floor with his eyes closed, he listened as they got closer and closer and then came to a loud, thudding halt. "How many times have I told you not to go into the pool with your clothes on? You'll get sick!"
He opened his eyes, sighing out as he turned to swim over to the pool edge to stare up at his mother with an unimpressed look. She loved to do this thing called 'showing up unannounced', granted she knew even the password to his phone. Privacy wasn't exactly a thing in his family, not that she had ever snooped through his phone. Although he didn't have anything to hide on it, it was only his parents and some of their employees he had on his phone and he very rarely texts them. Climbing out of the pool, he squeezed his clothes to wring them dry, "When have I ever gotten sick, hag?"
"Don't try to tell me you've never gotten sick because you have. I would know.", she scoffed. Katsuki was never really thrilled with her visits but he had gotten so used to her random barging in that he couldn't even get angry at it anymore. It was inconvenient but he was always alone so, now, he could use the company. Besides, Katsuki never texted let alone replied to people so she was purely checking her son hadn't suddenly passed away unexplainably.
"Yeah," he rolled his eyes, "When I was like, what, ten? And you only knew because the nanny told you."
"I have a business to run, of course she would tell me.", she placed a hand on her hip. She was always wearing something fancy, even her pyjamas were from a designer brand. Though, all his clothes were too when his mother bought him clothes. When he bought himself clothes, he got them from a regular store so he could splurge his money elsewhere. His mother looked him up and down and shook her head, "I can't believe you went into the pool with those on. Do you know how much they cost?"
"Nope.", he peeled his t-shirt from his body and wrung it over the pool as the rest of him dripped. "What do you want?"
"Do I need to want something to visit my son?", she cocked an eyebrow, her tone as if it was obvious. Usually when she visited it was because she wanted something, either to complain about something or someone or to get him to do something. Often to look into someone because, to stay at university, he didn't want to carry a criminal record around with him. He was good with all things technology, not just because he was young and grew up with it developing as he did but because he liked challenges. One day, he challenged himself to learn the ways of everything computer so there he was, doing his mothers online dirty work for her, he got paid for it of course so he wasn't complaining. Katsuki only turned around to mimic her eyebrow movement, not believing a word she had said. There was always something. "I just, came to see how school was getting on... if you made any friends?"
"I've been at university for three years and haven't made a single one, you think I'd make one now?", he grumbled, trudging into his apartment and trailing puddles of water behind him. His mother often commented on it but, this time, she didn't. It wasn't like he had carpeted floors, he liked the feeling of cold beneath his feet. The chill it sent up his spine made him feel alive.
"Why not join a society?", she commented, her feet clacking behind him until she found a place to sit on his couch, "There's a swimming one isn't there? You like swimming."
She was partially wrong. It was the feeling of being free he liked, there was no need to control anything or himself. He was just there. When he wasn't in the pool he busied himself, unable to sit down for very long, he didn't need to move when he was in the water. So to join a club where he had to needlessly move in water when he didn't want to, it was stupid. He couldn't think of another excuse so he looked down at himself, staring at the scars he had. There were already rumours that he was a delinquent, the scars on his torso proved it.
"Oh, that's nothing, Katsuki. Who cares?", his mother waved in dismissal, "Just tell them it's from surgery."
"Like hell.", he grimaced, stomping into his bedroom to dry himself off and change into some clean, dry clothes. Katsuki wasn't one for lying, if he didn't want to tell the truth he often avoided the matter entirely with a few curses and threats. Even if he did lie, the scars were very clearly not from surgery. The one by his shoulder, though faint, looked clean cut and was very obviously from a knife. There was another just above his hip bone in his left iliac region, it was round and looked like something had forced its way through. It was very clearly a gunshot wound. Not to mention it went straight through him. Katsuki wasn't one to be shy about his body, he could admit that he was good-looking, but one look at his upper body or his knuckles it was obvious he was some sort of thug.
When he reappeared his mother continued, "It's not like you struggle to make friends, you've had some before."
The first friendship he had he ruined. Katsuki reminded himself every day what that kid looked like just so he wouldn't forget the torture he put that guy through, all out of jealousy. The friends he made in middle school had been around in elementary too, they were the gloating arseholes he had originally hated. They turned out to be even worse then, getting him into things like smoking and drinking despite being underage. His mother didn't care for that even when he caught him doing it, she merely shrugged. His so-called friends that had been with him turned to love his mother even more because she was 'so chill' as they put it. They then proceeded to ditch him to do all sorts of things, only really inviting him if they wanted to go out and spend money. Of course, her comment made no sense because he either ruined a good one or found a horrible one, "What's the fucking point? If I make a friend, even just fucking one, they'd end up roped into whatever bullshit you're up to."
"'Bullshit'?" she gasped, offended when he called it exactly what it was. His mother sat up straight to turn around and glared at him, "What I do is for the good of the family, Katsuki. You need to understand that if you want to inherit my business."
He was born to do that. He was born surrounded by death. He was born to bring more of it. Katsuki hated that. He wanted nothing to do with it but she had no other children to spur it on if he said no. That's why he never said anything about it. Whenever she brought up what he would inherit, he said nothing. Silent as a calm wave. He'd lived his life in a riot, full of dull red. Katsuki no longer wanted that. The only peace he got was when he was in the water, floating on it. He wanted more of it, more peace and less chaos. He could inherit the business and change it but it would never change what it was built on. And what happens when you get rid of the foundations of a building? It collapses. With one breath, he spoke, "What if I don't want it?"
His mother laughed, "That is bullshit. You grew up saying you wanted it and even if you said you didn't want it, it doesn't change my decision. You are mine, my son, who else is better for my business other than you?"
Katsuki stayed silent because she was right, there was no one else. He could think of countless people that would be willing to do it but none that would be good for it. Unlike them, Katsuki had been brought up in a way that his mother saw made him good for the role. No matter how many looks she got about bringing a child that barely reached her hips to watch someone die painfully or the pitying looks he got when he regained consciousness after testing his pain tolerance. In the case that he was kidnapped, he couldn't give them any information no matter how much it hurt.
"Then you will pass it on to my grandchildren, and they will pass it on to my great-grandchildren.", she hummed, just the thought pleased her. Katsuki grimaced just thinking about it.
"Gee, the joys.", he rolled his eyes, shuffling over to his kitchen to grab a snack from the fridge. "I'm serious Katsuki. You will inherit the business some day, I did not go through the trouble of raising you the way I did for nothing.", he knew that and Katsuki hated her for it.
"You have wine don't you? Get me some." Katsuki did as he was told, mindlessly reaching for a wine glass and diverging from his original goal to get himself a snack. He poured out her favourite red wine, forgetting completely that he had wanted a snack as he trudged over to hand it to her. Slumping down on his favourite armchair opposite her, he watched her swirl around the wine for a moment before taking a small sip of it with a pleasant grin. "The league attacked one of our bases."
He hissed, "Could you not have started with that? ...Wasting both of our times with shit we both know you don't care about."
"Oh, don't be such a baby. I do care about those things, you are my son, of course I do. They just aren't my priority, especially not now.", she chuffed, "The league is getting more and more active. This time they didn't even steal anything, they just burned the place to the ground."
"Which one?", he answered, his voice losing its aggressive and spiteful tone.
"The one in west.", she placed the glass down, sitting down a USB next to it. "This has the camera footage, figure out which one of those bastards did this and quickly. I want to slap them in the face with their own asses."
Katsuki let out an amused grunt, folding his arms and staring at it. His mother was at the forefront of the business, on the surface it was a fashion company. Somehow her grandfather had made it into a criminal organisation, it was smart he'd give him that. But what was the point? More money? Money they already had enough of. Katsuki was different from the rest of them, he wouldn't kill people for the sake of money. That was a mistake he made he couldn't take back. "Then I'll give you their asses."
"Good.", she nodded, taking her glass in hand again. But he couldn't refuse his mother, he'd never done it before and who knows what would happen if he did. Those that killed their men would be dealt with but more men would die because of it, it would keep going and going. Even if he liked to convince himself that he had no part in it, he did. "So... interested in any girls around campus?"
Katsuki blinked at her slowly, his head turning to her with a grimace gradually contorting onto his face, "Fuck off."
She scoffed, "Oh come on! When I was your age, your father and I had already—"
"I don't want to know what you were both up to.", when he was younger, it was always non-stop talking about how they got together but as he got older it got progressively more vulgar. Those things should stay between the do and the doer. The product of their 'doing' did not want to hear it.
"Hurry up and find one then! If you go to the swimming society I'm sure there will be a pretty lady there for you. It shouldn't be hard for you to get a girl when you've inherited my face.", she was talking as if it was easy. He definitely didn't want to copy his mothers tactics of following them around and being really aggressive with it until they gave in. Despite his parents getting along well with no issues, it sounded like a recipe for disaster. Just the thought alone made a shiver run down his spine. "The new semester starts tomorrow right?"
Katsuki was more surprised that she almost got it right, "It's just the welcome week for first years."
"Then walk around there for a bit. Find a club to join!", his mother never relented, droning on and on about talking and meeting people. But what would meeting anyone do? He'd been comfortably alone, happily spending his free-time on his own, doing what he wanted to do in his own time. He mostly stayed hauled up in his room, sleeping until noon. Meeting someone would ruin it, all of it. And if it didn't, his mother would be the first to wreck the train. The normal should stay away from the unordinary, from Katsuki. The normal, the innocent, did not belong with the wicked and untamed. It reminded him of that time he begged his mother for a dog, a sweet puppy is what he got. He loved it every single day, for a few months at least. Then his mother killed it because it got on her nerves, shot it several times in front of his face. All he could was stare at it, the tears in his eyes wouldn't even fall. He was nine. "Or go out to a bar! You like drinking."
He wanted clear water, freedom, but all he got was a murky, oozing red with a bitter stench. Sometimes he hated hearing his own heartbeat because of it, it was that reminder that set him off. He knew it, his mother knew it, everyone around them knew it. Katsuki was just a ticking bomb waiting to explode. When he does, he'd take everyone around him down with it. It had happened once before. Part of him wanted to know if he looked hard enough, he'd find a way to cut the fuse. If he could be free and forget the life he grew up with. Even that sounded like a pipe dream to him. After his mother left, he stood in his apartment with his hair still dripping. For a moment, his eyebrows puckered, creasing as he squeezed his eyes shut. A deep breath in, a long and heavy sigh out. He knew that pipe dreams were pipe dreams for a reason. He could wish upon a shooting star if need be— it wouldn't happen. No matter how hard he wished to be innocent, Katsuki was the devil. The embodiment of death, forever alone. He'd be cursed to stare at friends hanging out and having fun and only be filled with a deep, ugly jealousy.
They'd drink for fun, he'd drink away the one pain his mother never conditioned him for — the one in his heart.