Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Chapter one: Inej

This is a bad idea. 

Was Inej's repeated thought as she walked up the familiar cobblestone street towards the pounding music blaring out of the nearby pub. Not to say she had much choice in the matter as her arm was clutched in a death grip by her best friend, Nina Zenik.

Yeah, I’m not getting out of this.

"I can see what you're thinking Inej, you already promised me,” Nina said, glancing back at Inej. "Stop slowing down."

"Stop dragging me. I agreed to go there, not run there. We can take our time," Inej countered, shooting Nina a look.

Nina sighed and loosened her grip on Inej's arm, before turning to face her. "Inej please don't back out of this. You promised," she repeated.

Inej swallowed harshly, guilt rising in her throat. Nina was right. Earlier that week Inej agreed, stupidly, to something so far out of her comfort zone that it hardly even occurred to her she would actually have to do it.

Nina asked to join her at the nearest pub to watch the showing of the Ravka V Fjerda rugby match. She recently had a slight falling out with her "friends" and had no one to go with. Inej, feeling bad for her best friend and was obviously not being level-headed, agreed.

So there she was, with a large capital "R" painted on her left cheek, staring at Nina's pleading half gold, half blue face.

"I can't take you serious with this makeup," Inej confessed.

"Inej!"

"Fine, fine, you're right. I promised," Inej straightened herself before interlocking her arms in Nina's again.

"Thank the Saints!" Nina face split into an excited grin again much to Inej's relief.

"I can't wait for you to meet Matthias!" Nina exclaims before pushing open the pubs front door.

Inej mouthed a silent prayer to save her soul and help her refrain from running away. She glanced up at the pubs name —"The Emerald Prince"— and groaned inwardly.

The Emerald Prince was one of the most popular pubs in Ketterdam for the locals, and was famously known to be particularly rowdy when the rugby was on.

Saints save me.

Just as she expected the pub was bursting at the seams, each voice raised slightly louder than the next so they could be heard over the climbing volume. Her shoes stuck to the floor slightly and all she could smell, see and taste was tobacco, beer and testosterone.

She gagged.

Luckily, Nina dragged her through the crowd and reached a small high top table close to a window. Which allowed Inej to inhale some actual oxygen into her lungs. The only thing that Inej appreciated about her situation was that all these people seemed to be so extremely wrapped up in their own conversations to take notice of her.

"Luck is on our side today, Inej! Look at this view," Nina leaned forward resting her elbows before grimacing and peeling her arms off the sticky table. Still, she was not deterred and smiled glancing around to look for someone.

"Is Matthias here yet?" Inej questioned, glancing around herself.

"I'm not sure he hasn't texted me..." Nina frowned, pulling out her phone.

Another reason that Nina was so adamant on going to The Emerald Prince to watch the game was because Matthias told her that he would be attending also. With two other friends, Jesper Fahey and Kaz Brekker, if she remembered correctly. He also told her he would buy her a drink.

Or more accurately he told her; "If Ravka wins I'll by you a drink, because it's not happening".

"Oh. Oh! I see him," Nina waved her hand wildly.

Inej followed her gaze that landed on possibly the three tallest boys she had ever seen. The Zemeni boy, who she assumed was Jesper, waved back grinning. However, the pale dark haired boy did not share his enthusiasm. Jesper nudged who Inej knew to be Matthias.

Matthias turned around, his eyes widened slightly and he promptly turned right back around. Inej winced.

"What the hell was that!" Nina scoffed. She began mumbling some heinous comments, but Inej could see she was really hurt.

"Maybe he didn't recognise you. You know.." Inej gestured to her painted face.

"No, he recognised me alright, just too much of a wanker to stay true to his word," Nina grumbled. "You know, I don't even care."

Inej released a slow breath and decidedly did not say anything else. She glanced back to the three boys again. Jesper was talking intensively with Matthias, her eyes jumped to the pale boy who was staring directly at her. Her breath hitched. Kaz, it must be. His gaze was so strangely intense that she felt goosebumps all over her arm.

She was being silly. She was sixteen, not seven. Suddenly feeling very awkward, she tore her eyes away.

"Are you ok-"

"Are you excited?" Nina interrupted Inej's poor attempt at consolidation.

"What do you mean?" For the game? Not particularly. She’d rather be at home.

"For school silly. You're finally getting away from that feral institution and we'll be at the same school again!" Nina squealed and grabbed Inej's hands shaking them violently.

Inej giggled. "I mean yeah... I guess so. Nervous."

"You'll be fine. I'll rough anyone up if they give you trouble," Nina reassured her.

Inej had lots of trouble at her old school. She stuck out like a sore thumb that much was obvious. She was an easy target, one that everyone seemed to like to hit. Literally. Towards the end it seemed like it was almost everyday that she was beat up just outside of the school gates. Not to say she didn't try to fight back. But her efforts were stunted by the clear advantage they had over her. She was small and skinny compared to the boys and even the majority of the girls.

"Never stood a chance," Inej heard her father say once.

It was so bad that Inej would frequently have panic attacks in the school toilet's before school ended and her grades had dropped to averaging at a C. Inej would struggle to even walk into the gates and sitting alone in class was torture.

But it seemed no matter how many times her parents complained, Headmistress Heleen would never seem to do a thing.

Sometimes she thought that Heleen liked to see her bruised.

The only redeeming quality that the school had was their arts program. Inej enjoyed her dance classes and she even excelled at them. Despite the other dancers avoiding her like the plague, it never seemed to matter. Sometimes she even spent her lunchtimes there sitting peacefully before practicing what she had learnt. Those classes were a safe space.

Or they were. But even that was ruined. He had ruined it.

Inej shook those thoughts out her head before she spiralled even further. Ketterdam College was her fresh start. She was almost finished in her schooling with two years left, at a new college it seemed possible to graduate. Especially when she already had a friend by her side.

She had met Nina in kindergarten, she remembered vividly. Inej had climbed to the top of the monkey bars and refused to get down no matter how much the adults pleaded. Inej is still not sure why she did it, but Nina stomped out of their class and told her that if she climbed down she would share her chocolate bar with her. So Inej climbed down and Nina fulfilled her promise.

According to her Ma they were inseparable after this.

They did everything together. Inej held Nina as she cried when her parents were divorcing and Nina used to give half her sandwich to Inej because her parents couldn't afford lunches anymore.

They fortunately went to the same primary school but in high school they were separated. Nina went to a nice private school and Inej went to literal hell.

But with her da’s new job and her obvious incapability of remaining in that hell hole, Inej was now enrolled into Ketterdam College. The sun would shine again.

"Hey, where'd you go?" Nina inquired. "You do that often, it’s scary."

"Sorry, I'm..." Inej squinted. "Remincising, I guess."

"Stop thinking about the past Inej, just think about all the good things coming your way," Nina offered a smile.

Inej was forever grateful for her.

"Love you," Inej smiled.

"Love you right back," Nina's smile split into a grin. “After all these years, you're still my favourite person to hang with."

"Me too," Inej replied. “Although I don't have much to compare with."

Nina shoved her giggling slightly, "Don't make jokes like that it makes me feel horrible for laughing."

"Okay, okay," Inej laughed too.

Suddenly a roar erupted in the pub. Inej looked over at the screen and saw Ravka jogging onto the field. Against her better judgement she looked over at the three boys again. To her surprise, Kaz was still looking at her. Or maybe she was going delusional with the smell of male body odour.

"Yes! Let's go Ravka!" The girl beside her shouted. Inej jumped breaking eye contact with Kaz. When she looked back his eyes were on the screen. Inej felt disappointment but shook it off.

You haven't even talked to him and you're was acting like this? Grow up Inej.

She looked back on the screen and the pub filled with boo's and poor language as Fjerda ran on. She heard Nina cackled evilly.

Inej lost almost all hearing in her right ear by the time the game finished.

Chapter Text

Chapter two: Matthias

Why am I like this?

Matthias thought miserably to himself.

Ravka had beaten Fjerda. Two/nil. Embarrassingly though, Matthias could barely focus on the game because he was too busy internally cringing at himself for how he reacted to seeing Nina.

"Bad luck, mate. That was a rough watch. Well, for you, not me," Jesper slapped his back and chuckled.

Weeks ago, Nina approached the table he sat at during lunch, telling them about how she and her 'friends' were on the outs again. Honestly, he wasn't really all that concerned, considering that it happened at least once a month. Nonetheless, when Nina mentioned seeing him at The Emerald Palace for the rugby, Matthias thought he had hit the jackpot.

Originally he was going to watch it at home with his da, but wanting to seem cool in front of Nina he told her he was going out to watch it. Afterwards, he had to beg Jesper and Kaz to join him and pretend it was the plan all along.

They luckily agreed, but not without giving him an unbelievable amount of shit for it.

Jesper told him that he doesn't need convincing to go to an establishment that sells alcohol and Kaz was strangely willing to go too after he found out that they were going to The Emerald Prince. Kaz always had an obsession with going to the pub and staring intensely at the owner. Matthias once asked Jesper if Kaz was a fan of Pekka Rollins.

Jesper had laughed in his face.

"Oh yeah. Real shame," Matthias finally muttered.

"Ah, I see. Still mourning your dead relationship with Nina now are you?" Jesper laughed, slinging his arm around his shoulder.

"I've barely thought about it,” Matthias grumbled.

"Great, now he's going to be brooding for the next two weeks," Kaz rolled his eyes before taking a swig of Jesper's beer.

"I will not!" Matthias protested.

"Look, I'd rather you brood. I'm not holding you as you cry," Kaz countered.

"Fuck you Brekker."

Kaz raised Jesper's glass as if to say cheers before sipping again. Jesper finally seemed to notice it was his glass. The two started bickering and Matthias just sighed glancing over to where Nina was sitting.

His stomach dropped as he saw that her table was now surrounded by her 'friends' and another group of boys he didn't recognise. He watched as she said something that broke the group into a fit of laughter. Even the Suli girl who was looking severely uncomfortable being surrounded broke into a grin.

Matthias was in awe of her.

He needed to apologise.

"Alright Matthias, if you don't stop staring it's going to look a little creepy," Jesper stated blandly. "I was only joking before it's not over, over. It never seems to be with you two."

"As much as some of us would like it to be,” Kaz muttered before reaching for his cane so he could stand with the two of them. Matthias rolled his eyes.

"If you don't grow a pair in the next year and stop this lost puppy dog thing, I'm going to cut off your hair," Kaz threatened. Matthias reached for his long blonde hair. The sad thing was, Kaz wasn't joking.

"You wouldn't understand Kaz, I'm pretty sure as a child they surgically removed your heart and put a rock in there," Matthias's shoulder sagged. "I wish it were that easy."

Kaz gave him a disgusted look, "Saints this is depressing. I think I need some air."

Without another word, he stalked off towards the exit pulling out a pack of cigs as he went.

"Don't worry Matthias, he's just not a romantic. I too am a yearning soul, seeking love-"

"I think I need air too."

Matthias pushed through the crowd ignoring more sounds of laughter that he was sure Nina caused. Finally, he reached the door and pushed it open taking in a big gasp of air. He rubbed his eyes with two fingers before looking to the side and spotting Kaz smoking in the corner. He wandered over and leaned against the wall beside him.

"Getting air?" Matthias inquired. "Yet you're putting that trash in your lungs."

"Not everyone is in peak physical form," Kaz waved his cane into Matthias view. Matthias suddenly felt bad but he didn't say anything. If he did Kaz probably would've hit him with the cane.

"If I want to be drafted into the U18s Rugby team I have to be,” Matthias waved the smoke out of his face.

"Hence why I am smoking, not you," Kaz took another drag.

The door beside Matthias and Kaz burst open, Matthias jumped but Kaz seemed unbothered as Jesper appeared in front of them. He spotted Kaz's smoke.

"Without me?" Jesper put a hand to his chest sounding hurt. Kaz merely looked at him and threw it to the ground to put it out.

"Doing things out of pure spite, typical," Jesper muttered. "Is he still brooding?"

Kaz nodded and Jesper kissed his teeth, "Saints, I mean why did you ignore her anyway?"

Why did he ignore her? I mean when he saw her all he felt was a wave of relief and a mountain of questions. Did she come because of him? Had she wanted to see him? Would she ask to see him again? He remembered wanting to laugh too as he saw her painted face. How he felt such a joy in seeing her smile directed at him. How he wanted to kiss her.

That was it. Kiss her? Months ago he hated her. They were merely reluctant friends and now he had urges to kiss her? She would throw up in his face if he tried, he was sure. He didn't trust himself. Better to stay away.

Or so he thought. Now he was kicking himself.

"I don't know," He said instead.

"You poor bastard," Jesper shook his head.

Then again the door beside them opened. All three of them looked over. A small Suli girl walked out and wiped something off her pants before shoving her hands in her pockets and walking away.

Wait it wasn't just any Suli girl. She was with Nina. He needed to speak to her and see what Nina had thought. Or if she noticed at all.

"Hey, uh you?" Matthias suddenly realised that he had no idea who this girl was.

The girl turned around slowly, looking terrified. But she seemed to have recognised him and surprisingly her eyes narrowed and she seemed unhappy. "Oh, you," was all she said before turning back around.

"Wait, just a minute, please," Matthias called out. She tilted her head towards the sky before turning her body to look at him sideways, her brows furrowed. She looked pissed. This was a horrible idea. She didn't look like the same nervous girl he saw earlier.

"What's your name?" He asked dumbly. She raised a brow looking even more unimpressed. He felt as though he was being scolded by a mother.

"What do you want Matthias? Nina's still inside, talk to her yourself," the girl gestured to the door.

"Who is this girl?" Jesper butt in looking confused. Kaz was unreadable.

"I'm Nina's friend," she said. "I'm guessing you thought you could corner me and get me to tell you whether she's upset or not." Matthias didn't know what to say. She scoffed, "Why did you think I would tell you?

"Because you looked friendly?" Matthias offered. He felt like this conversation was getting more and more off the rails.

She looked at him strangely, when she spoke her voice was a lot lower and quieter, "I am friendly."

Matthias was honestly lost for words. He had passed the point of just brooding. Maybe Kaz was right, he might actually cry. He thought of what his father would say. Nothing kind of course.

"Look I don't even know if I should be talking to you," the girl sighed.

"And you need to do what Nina says because...?" Kaz spoke, surprising even Matthias. Kaz didn't like to speak to strangers, unless they spoke to him first.

"Well I don't particularly want to either," Inej said matter of factly before looking back at Matthias, Kaz tightened the grip on his cane. "Nina didn't tell me to stay away from you."

This filled Matthias with relief. "All hope isn't lost yet, mate! You're still in the game!" Jesper exclaimed. Matthias slapped his hand away before he could smack his back.

"Don't come to me looking for some leeway to Nina, I'm not going to give it to you,” she said.

Jesper laughed, "Awe warmed to us already".

The girl frowned again. She seemed to do that a lot. "I don't have anything else to say to you," she told Matthias and abruptly turned on her heel to cross the street.

"I like her," Jesper said, grinning at Matthias's tight expression. "But she does not like you."

Matthias muttered something under his breath as a reply. He checked his watch.

9:30 pm

"Djel!" Matthias pushed himself off the wall and burst into a sprint down the street. He ignored Jesper’s sweet goodbyes.

He reached the bus stop right as the doors were about to close. Relieved, he thanked the bus driver and found a seat.

His father would never normally let him go out the night before training, but Matthias had begged. He told him he would be back before 10 pm, just in time to eat the final dish of his daily meal plan. Afterwards, a 9-hour sleep was necessary for peak performance. He checked his watch at 9:55 pm. A spike of anxiety hit him.

Ever since Matthias was 15, his father had monitored his rugby and athleticism under what felt like a microscope. He and Coach Brum had seen his potential early on in his career. Matthias was grateful for their help and faith in him. However in times like these, it irritated him.

All his friends told him that his father was a helicopter parent and that his coach was much too invested in his life. He could see why they thought it was weird, they didn't understand. Even his teammates would poke fun at him when Brum would pull him aside and give him extra tips. They called him 'the teacher's pet', and when he confessed this to his da, he’d laughed saying they were jealous.

"You're a prodigy son. I won't let you pass this up.”

Finally, the bus got to his stop. He sprinted to his house again before stepping in. He checked. 10:15 pm. Shit.

Opening the door he hung his coat heading to the kitchen. His mother was there with Matthias's meal, egg and chicken with greens. "Hey ma."

Matthias's mother looked up at him smiling warmly, "Hi darling, have fun?"

"Too much fun I think," his dad walked out of the sitting room, staring hard at Matthias.

"Oh, honey I think it's nice he's finally getting out-"

"You've messed up your meal plan boy. There's still time to get those nine hours. Go."

Matthias hurried upstairs. Hearing the weak protests of his mother. He stopped at the stairs and listened.

"Matthias?"

He looked forward and saw his little sister hugging her favoured wolf teddy looking exhausted. "Hey, what are you doing out of bed?" He asked walking up to her.

"Is Da gonna start screaming again?" She asked.

Matthias sighed and began leading her back to her room.

"I'll give you those earplugs again. Let’s go back to your room.”

Chapter Text

Chapter three: Inej

I look stupid

Inej thought as she adjusted her jumper for the third time that morning. She had promised Nina she’d meet her at the corner shop on the way to school. Full of nervous energy, Inej left about twenty minutes too early.

She felt like an imposter in the uniform, as if she’d stolen someone else's clothes. The college uniform consisted of a buttoned white shirt, a tie, a jumper and a blazer all dark blue. The uniform for the girls was supposed to be a knee-length plaid skirt, but Inej elected to wear the boy's dress pants. She would do anything to go unnoticed at school, except wear that skirt.

Multiple people in the Ketterdam uniform had entered and left the shop in the last half an hour. She played nervously at her braid every time they passed her but luckily they barely spared her a second look. She was grateful to be left alone.

Finally, she heard a shout and looked over her shoulder to see Nina waving at her from her ma's car.

"Inej! Come over here, we'll give you a ride," Nina exclaimed. Inej hurried over.

"Are you sure? I thought we were just going to meet here," Inej asked slinging her bag off her back.

"Nonsense, nonsense! You're always welcome in my car love," Nina's mother reassured.

Nina unlocked the door for Inej, and she’d barely finished greeting before Nina's mother began fussing over them. She didn't mind though, Nina's mother had known her for a long while now. She used to make Inej's family dinner from time to time when they were struggling.

"Inej! You look wonderful, can I fix just one thing?" Nina said slowly scanning her. Inej flushed, feeling embarrassed. Was she wearing the uniform wrong this whole time?

Nina undid Inej's first button on her dress shirt and loosened her tie. She then took out her hair. "Hey! My mum did my braid," Inej gasped reaching for her hair.

"I'm sorry Inej, you look too formal," Nina tutted. "I know this is a private school but everyone here likes to pretend they aren't trying to impress anyone."

Nina combed Inej's hair with her fingers before pushing it back so her side bangs framed her face right. "I'm a magician."

"Rude," Inej scoffed, crossing her arms and sinking into her seat.

They finally pulled up to the college. It was larger than Inej recalled. She had taken a tour with Nina before they started high school. It was still gorgeous. From the outside, it looked almost like a cathedral, with old sculpted brick and stained glass windows. But inside just a regular old school with lockers and classrooms that smelt like cleaner fluid. Nina's mother pulled up next to the large rugby oval and beside her Nina peeked eagerly out. Inej knew who she was looking for.

Inej expressed her gratitude to Nina's mother before climbing out and letting them bid their goodbyes. She glanced around at the school feeling the pit in her stomach grow.

It had to be different, it was different. There is no one here to hurt you Inej.

Nina gestured for Inej to follow her. She complied.

"I hope we get the same homeroom, if not I'll kill Mr. Van Eck," Nina declared before taking a bite out of a random muesli bar that appeared in her hand.

Inej was so nervous she couldn't even think of a response. Only half listening to Nina babble about how muesli bars give her unbridled rage towards weird things when the bell rang.

Nina squealed excitedly, "Official start to your first day, how do you feel!"

Like I'm gonna be sick. "I should probably get to the principal's office right?"

Nina smacked her forehead, "Oh. Right, right." She began leading her down a series of hallways that were so overwhelming that Inej tried not to notice. Finally, they reached a fairly modern-looking hallway with a bench placed against the wall. There was an old lady at the entrance that looked up at the two girls who had walked through.

"Miss Ghafa? Correct?"

"Yeah, er yes. Me,” Inej replied glancing at Nina.

"Take a seat, Inej… just you," she made a pointed look towards Nina. Nina nodded slightly before turning to Inej and squeezing her hand, giving her an encouraging smile. Inej watched mournfully as her friend walked away. She took a seat.

Suddenly a glass sliding door opened at the end of the hallway, two men walked out. A man with bright hair and an unfortunate receding hairline bid the second man goodbye. He seemed to have spotted Inej waiting and began marching over whilst the anonymous man walked the other way. Inej couldn’t see his face but she had a feeling she had met him before. She couldn’t think too long on it before a voice cut through her thoughts.

"Miss Ghafa, pleased to see you," the man extended a hand. "I'm Principal Van Eck."

Inej shook his hand politely. "Nice to meet you… in person."

He gave a fake chuckle, ran a hand through his few strands of hair and checked his watch. "You know, I'm sorry for doing this to you. The first day is always the busiest and my schedule is just packed. Do you mind if I get Mrs. B here to walk to your homeroom class?" Mr. Van Eck asked.

Inej was unsure how to respond because, although it was a question, it seemed like it had already been decided. "Sure I don't mind," Inej decided on saying.

"Perfect, perfect," Mr. Van Eck turned to leave before doubling back with an annoyingly sympathetic look. "And because of the circumstances in which you left your last school, I've booked you with a couple of sessions with our guidance counsellor..."

Inej was mortified, "Oh there's no need."

"No, I insist. Now Mrs. B could you please escort Inej to your homeroom? Thank you, a pleasure to meet you, Miss Ghafa. I can tell you're going to be an excellent student," Mr. Van Eck gave her an absent-minded smile before turning without another word.

There was something about that man that left Inej feeling uneasy. However, she didn't have time to ponder this because Mrs. B was already halfway out the door.

Inej broke into a small jog to catch up and even then she had to keep a pace just to not lose her. Already, she felt as though this school was moving faster than her mind could comprehend and the possibility of her fitting here seemed to be slimming.

Finally, Mrs. B stopped in front of a bland wooden door and knocked. It took less than two seconds for a man with a pitiful moustache to open the door.

"Hello! Welcome, welcome. Miss Ghafa, I've been waiting for you!" the man exclaimed with more energy than she ever thought a teacher possessed.

“Thank you Baghra, you know you-" before he could finish Mrs. B walked away. However, even this didn't seem to stunt him.

"Miss Ghafa, nice to meet you. I'm Mr. Van Poel, but the kids all call me Mr. J," he smiled. "Come in, come in."

The classroom quieted as Inej walked through the door. She felt as though she was a zoo animal showcased for the class to examine and poke at. Or a clown, like she was supposed to make them laugh or do a trick to make a good impression. Instead, she stood there. Looking right back at them. "Why don't you take a seat Inej?" Mr. J gestured to the tables.

While scanning the room for the table she came to a horrible realisation.

Jesper and Kaz were in this class. Looking at her. Jesper was waving.

Worst of all there was no Nina. I'm so screwed.

She quickly tore her eyes away from them praying they didn't notice she saw and picked a table on the opposing side of the room. She placed her bag around her chair and sat down looking out the window. Just her luck.

The last time she saw them she practically verbally attacked their very close friend. She wasn't sure what got into her that night but it seemed as though she had been a little too honest.

Surely they were looking for revenge, she knew how it worked. After Mr. J finished the roll, they would stalk over to her table like she was prey and tell her that she would get what was coming to her. Her palms began to sweat.

"Alright class, five minutes before class one. Talk amongst yourselves."

In a fit of courage, Inej glanced over her shoulder at the two of them. Jesper was wildly talking about something. But Kaz? Kaz was staring. Inej whipped her head back around. She knew it. Now all she could do was wait to hear footsteps coming up on her side. She wouldn't show them that she could be intimidated. Wiping her palms on her pants she prepared herself. She would-

"Hey."

Inej jumped so violently she was sure she got inches off her seat. "Oh, hi?" She looked up making eye contact with a boy she didn't recognise. With a grin, she didn't like it either.

"You alright? Looked like I scared you a little bit. I promise I don't bite," the boy teased with his two front teeth tilting out of his mouth as he smiled.

"Okay?" was all she said.

The boy continued taking a seat so he was directly in front of her. Faintly, she heard snickering. Inej groaned inwardly.

"I'm Oomen, and Inej is it?" he gave that disgusting grin again.

She sighed, "Yes, Inej is my name."

"You're wearing pants."

"So are you."

Oomen seemed to find this hilarious because he laughed so hard he sprayed some spit on her table. Inej grimaced.

"Anyways, I think it's cool that you wear the pants. My friends think so too," he leant back casually and pointed to the snickering boys. Inej didn't look. "Makes me think you don't give a shit what people think, I like it."

Inej hadn't even been trying to make a statement. She wore them to be comfy. Mr. Van Eck himself hadn't mentioned it. She wasn't sure why this boy was making it seem as though she had written 'screw the system' on her blazer. She had a sneaky feeling this guy thought he was a lot more interesting than he actually was.

The boy seemed to give up on waiting for her response. "So since you're new and all if you need a place to sit during lunch my tables open," he winked. Inej's mouth went dry.

To her relief, the bell went and before Oomen could say another word she stood grabbed her bag, walking out as quickly as she could. She couldn’t listen to him anymore.

She wasn't sure what that was but she knew how she felt about it. Uncomfortable. Inej wasn't sure if he was trying to be nice or trying to make a fool of her. Either way, she wouldn't be sitting at his table during lunch.

After she got a safe distance she stopped and reached into her bag to scan her printed timetable and her locker number. She was glad to finally have some directive. This entire morning felt like she had been surrounded by people speaking a different language than her. She made her way to her locker.

Luckily Inej’s next three classes passed with little to no issues. After exiting her third, she checked her schedule and saw that a break was next. Her stomach dropped naturally, lunchtimes were usually the worst.

Not anymore Inej.

"Hey sunshine, how has class been?" Inej spun around before Nina slung her arm over her shoulder.

"Quiet. So, it’s been good," Inej answered honestly. “We don't have homeroom together."

"I know! I was fuming, just ask the girls at lunch today, I was ranting about it all class," Nina opened her locker placing her books inside.

"It's devastating," Inej concurred and took a glance around before continuing. "But guess who is in my class."

Nina's eyes sparkled with interest, she slammed her locker before asking, "Who?"

"Jesper and Kaz," Inej whispered. Nina barked out a laugh before Inej attempted to shush her. "Don't laugh! It's just my luck, I told you how I spoke to Matthias. I was waiting for them to hassle me about it but Oomen came over."

Nina stopped in her tracks, her lips in a snarl, "Oomen? Ugh, stay away from that guy, Inej, he's horrid. Of course, he cornered the new girl, the bastard."

"He asked me to sit at his table," Inej told her. "And before you ask no. I said no."

"Well praise the Saints! You already have a seat anyways," Nina winked before pushing open the two wooden doors to the dining hall.

Inej glanced around at the bustling students. One thing that she appreciated about this school was no one really looked her way. She was beyond relieved. Everyone seemed so wrapped up in their little circles that no one seemed to even notice she was there. Inej was practically invisible, gliding easily through the halls with no problem.

Nina led her to a table in the centre of the room. As they sat down the eyes of about seven girls all found hers. Inej waved awkwardly.

"Everybody, the infamous Inej," Nina announced before taking a seat. Inej sat close to her. A ripple of 'hellos', and other greetings arose. After this, they returned to their conversation not paying her any mind. Inej shot Nina a relieved look.

"Oh Saints, don't look. But Kaz Brekker is looking over at our table!" One of the girls exclaimed. Despite the girl's suggestion simultaneously three girls craned their necks over their shoulders.

"Who do you think he was looking at?" Another girl asks. This sparked multiple suggestions and comments that all seemed somewhat passive-aggressive.

"I think he was looking at Inej," Nina declared. The girls went quiet and turned their eyes to Inej. She kicked Nina under the table but she continued, "I mean she is new and all, maybe he's curious."

"Well, I'm not sure..." Inej trailed off. She glanced over at him. He now seemed to be engaged in an argument with Matthias.

"Why are you all so interested in him anyway?" Inej found herself asking.

"Um, because he's Kaz. Look at him, a ride if you ask me," One girl scoffed. "He's not loud and flirty like the other guys. But he's so intimidating," Another said.

"He's also just a guy. No matter how mysterious you all think he is," Nina stated rolling her eyes.

"You just don't see it because you only fantasise about Matthias," a girl sneered. This sparked a bickering between the two.

A blonde girl next to Inej leaned in to speak with her. "Kaz isn't like the other guys here, they're right. He's only at this school because Jesper's dad is fostering him. No one knows who his parents are. Or even where he came from. He's also always getting away with things, no one knows how he does it," she whispered.

A brunette girl chimed in, "It's true, my brother buys things off him at school! During school hours! But he's never caught."

Inej felt awful that she knew these things now. These are things she should hear from only Kaz himself. Were they even true? She knew better than anyone how much gossip could ruin a person. At her old school, she had personal information repeated back to her so often she quickly learnt it was better to stay quiet.

Even things that weren’t true were tied to Inej, making her seem like a completely different person. Frequently girls would approach her with accusations about stealing boyfriends or snitching to teachers. Her name was like an excuse for any bad deed. No one would defend her and everyone thought the worst of her anyway.

These girls now were doing the same thing to Kaz. He seemed like a private person much like herself. She wondered if he secretly minded but elected not to say anything. "Excuse me," Inej said grabbing her empty chip packet and heading to the bin.

She knew these were Nina's friends for the majority of high school. Well-liked girls too. Or at least well-known. But she didn't like them one bit. They reminded her too much of all her other tormentors but less physical and more verbally cruel.

She refused to become a tormentor too.

Inej felt guilty, but she was seriously considering sneaking away from the hall. Glancing around she saw the closest exit and in a swift change of movement she strode towards it.

It was because she was looking back at to see if Nina and the girls had noticed she was leaving did she found herself walking directly into someone.

Chapter Text

Chapter four: Jesper

Oh Shite

Jesper thought as he stood over Inej with a now empty lunch tray. Usually, he didn't even buy canteen food it made him feel bloated, and he would always get a stitch. But one day he did. He lost it.

It was all over Inej's uniform now.

In his defence he hadn't even seen her coming, she's about half his height. He knew it was over the second he felt someone practically bounce off him and before he knew it she was heading towards the floor and his lunch was soaring through the air. Jesper felt like he was in a TV show, or something. In the scene, intense classical music would've played. He thought it was pretty funny.

But instead, Inej sat on the floor glancing down at her uniform, and she didn't look back up in humour ready to laugh it off. She looked mortified. Jesper had a feeling he misread the situation terribly.

"Inej I'm so sorry, I didn't see you there," Jesper bent down reaching out to help her up.

"Don't touch me," Inej swatted his hand away. She got up on her own accord. She looked strangely wide-eyed like she suddenly turned on survival mode.

"I'm not sure what to do, but I should do something, shouldn't I? Um..." Jesper muttered before pulling out some napkins he shoved in his pants pockets. He began wiping some of the gravy covered mashed potato off her blazer.

"What are you doing!? You're rubbing it in!" Inej shrieked swatting him away yet again. "Oh Saints."

He wasn't sure how he did it but she seemed more distressed now than when she was sitting in his food. Jesper had a knack for making things worse. Kaz told him on multiple accounts.

"Inej! Are you alright?" Nina cried as she ran over. "Jesper, you're such a dick."

"It wasn't on purpose! Someone tell me what to do!" Jesper shrieked, he had made a mistake that much was clear. But he didn't know how to fix it.

"Nina, I can't afford another uniform you know that. What do I do? Everyone's looking!" Inej whispered frantically. Jesper looked around, people were glancing over. Nina's friends were giggling to themselves as always. He looked back at his table, most of the boys were snickering; Matthias had his head in his hands and Kaz looked murderous.

He gave them an overemphasized shrug. Kaz shook his head, his expression not faltering. Why does he care anyway?

"Inej, your uniform isn't ruined, after a wash it will be as good as new," Nina reassured her. "Are you alright though? That fall looked painful."

"I'm fine," Inej told her, but she was clutching her back.

"I can pay for your uniform if it's damaged. I didn't mean to, I-" Jesper was then cut off but a sharp voice.

"Fahey, are you ever going to be done causing havoc?"

Jesper plastered a large fake smile on his face before turning around slowly. Ms. Nazalensky is going to have my head.

"Hey Z, this was a pure accident, trouble just follows me. I'm a late bloomer as my father says."

"A late bloomer on maturity and accountability," Zoya replied coldly, she looked over at Inej who looked distraught now. "Miss Ghafa? You're new this year?"

"Er.. yes?"

"First day and already a victim to Jesper's mischief, you poor girl," Zoya tutted and raised her gaze to Jesper again. He was pretty sure he peed a little as she did. "This is your fault clearly, please take Miss Ghafa to the front office to be cleaned up. Zenik stay here."

"But I-"

"Nina," Zoya spoke harshly. Nina frowned but shut her mouth.

Jesper saluted to Zoya, who narrowed her eyes in return. He began towards the exit looking over at Inej. She was looking sickly now. Jesper didn’t know if this was a normal reaction. He'd never been covered head to toe in gravy, potato, and chicken.

"Are you sure you're alright?" he decided in inquire.

"You got the job done, why do you care?" Inej replied, the comment was bold but she spoke timidly.

"Whoa, whoa hang on. I wasn't picking on you. Truly it was an accident," he reassured her. Inej didn't respond. Jesper was feeling worse and worse.

"I wasn't kidding about paying for the uniform either," Jesper countered desperate to keep the conversation going.

"I don't need charity," Inej said quietly before pausing. "But thank you."

Jesper scratched the back of his neck looking at the floor. They walked in painful silence for a minute. In boredom and nervous energy, he began avoiding the cracks in the rubble taking longer steps to reach them. Inej looked over curiously.

"What are you doing?"

"Avoiding the cracks obviously," Jesper drawled. "Haven't you heard the saying? Oh, Saint's Inej! You've just killed your Ma."

“This is silly,” Inej said, looking over at him. She was still acting reserved but Jesper could see a smile fighting its way onto her face. She had begun avoiding the cracks too.

“Well, thank you ma’am,” Jesper said proudly. “I live to entertain.”

Now Inej giggled before stopping herself, "I'm supposed to still be mad at you I think."

"Well feel free to stop whenever, I don't particularly like the feeling," Jesper says. That was the understatement of the century. He hated it.

Not just Inej. Anybody. If he couldn't make someone laugh in his day or at least roll their eyes in amusement, Jesper considered the day the ultimate fail. The fact that he may have ruined someone else's day as well, made a pit in his stomach. Inej seemed like a nice girl, well maybe not towards Matthias, but still. It was her first day and he ruined it. The worst thing was he knew that there was no way he could have avoided it. These things just happened to him.

He messed up and reaped the consequences. Sometimes he would tell himself he was the unluckiest person in the world. But then he would think guiltily of those living in poverty and third-world countries and kick himself. Who was he to complain? He had friends, his da, a house, and nice clothes. Anything a person would need to succeed and yet he was always falling short. Making trouble even when he wasn't trying.

"I don't believe you did it on purpose," Inej admitted. "It was just... a habit I guess."

Jesper had no idea what that meant but he didn't press her on it.

"So… I'm forgiven?" He asked leaning down to her level, she laughed and nodded. He did a little victory dance and she laughed again.

"People are watching Jesper," Inej said incredulously. Jesper shrugged in response.

"Thank the Saints, I'm not doing this for nothing," Jesper said falling back into step with Inej. "Let them laugh, maybe they won't notice you're covered in gravy."

Inej's smile dropped and Jesper knew he messed up again. "I-I mean like they probably didn't notice anyway. Ah shite. Let's talk about something else."

Jesper then continued to attempt to make small talk. He usually hated that sort of thing but Inej now seemed more willing to converse with him. It was relieving. Turns out Inej and him got along quite well too.

They reached into the office hallway and saw a flash of red hair. Jesper gave a sigh of relief. Baghra wasn't at the front desk anymore. Mrs. Safin looked up with a bright smile. She was always so welcoming and kind even to those kids who whispered about her appearance. Although, she has been known to scold them. Jesper adored her.

"Jesper! Nice to see you," Genya looked up and seemed to notice Inej standing next to him. Her smile dropped, "Oh dear, what happened here?"

"Yeah, a bit of a mishap in the lunchroom today. You know I'm not good with spatial awareness," Jesper tried to joke, Genya gave him a disappointed look.

"What's your name love?" Mrs. Safin asked, turning her gaze to the computer in front of her.

"Inej Ghafa."

Jesper heard clicking and then a long pause. Genya raised her head and then looked back down. "Please take a seat. Both of you, thank you," she then stood from her desk and hurried down the hall. Jesper frowned.

"What was that about?" He asked Inej. She was looking down the hall, her eyebrows furrowed. She shrugged before sitting down.

Barely a minute had passed before Mr. Van Eck came out. Saints, Jesper hated him. Usually he would have enjoyed seeing him looking dishevelled and stressed. But he was looking directly at the two of them.

"Miss Ghafa, I've contacted both your parents they are on their way," he told her. He turned his gaze to Jesper. “And we have left a message to your father."

Jesper jumped out of his seat, "Whoa whoa whoa, this seems a bit excessive it was just an accident. I wasn't targeting her or anything."

He looked to Inej helplessly and she nodded to agree with him. "It's true. Honestly just a misunderstanding sir."

Mr. Van Eck tutted her, "You have been known to use that excuse." Inej scoffed looking offended.

"I'm sorry both of you. But Inej's file has required us to contact her parents if Inej finds herself in any incidents. This qualifies as one," Mrs. Safin informs, she looked apologetically at Jesper. Jesper sat down defeated. He was so fucked.

"Miss Ghafa, would you come with me to swap your uniform," Mrs. Safin smiled kindly at her. Inej mouthed ‘I'm so sorry’ to Jesper before turning away. He waved weakly.

"Always causing trouble Fahey. I'm disappointed you've taken to bullying," Mr. Van Eck told him before hurrying down the hall.

What the hell?

Mr Van Eck was the biggest bully in the entire school, who was he to talk? Everyone he's talked to has horror stories about him. Not to mention his son's current situation.

Jesper slumped into his chair and began picking at his nails. Not only was he probably going to be placed in detention now, but he had to sit in the office until her parents came. He wasn't sure which one was more torturous.

Jesper grimaced as he slapped the rubber band he found on his hand. It stung. But he refused to look up.

For the past 15 minutes, Inej Ghafa's mother could be heard yelling at Mr. Van Eck down the hall. He wished he could soak in the satisfaction of his principal being reprimanded but it was hands down the most awkward situation he had ever been placed in. He looked to the side. Inej was hiding her face with her hair. She was clearly very embarrassed.

Earlier when her parents arrived, her mother marched directly towards them. He had never been reprimanded like that. Inej tried to tell her mother it was an accident, however, she was not having any of it.

"Why are kids so cruel to her?" Then she began crying. Jesper wanted to throw up. What happened to this girl?

Now he and Inej were sitting on a shared bench listening to her mother scream about how this was supposed to be a bully-free zone.

"Oh, what have you done now kid?" a warm male voice said from the entrance.

"Da?"

Jesper revived from his slump, jumped from his seat and ran up to hug him. Once he broke away though his brief comfort was demolished with Colm's disappointed face.

"It wasn't his fault sir," a small voice from directly behind Jesper spoke softly.

They both turned to face Inej. "I'm telling the truth, truly it was an accident. But my mother won't listen," she said with pleading eyes.

Colm nodded and placed a hand on Jesper's shoulders, "Sit back down, Jesper."

Jesper complied but he was suddenly filled with energy. His father was going to make things right. Prove his innocence.

"I can't believe I didn't even last the first break," Inej spoke in a faraway tone.

"Hey, but guess what? You made a new friend before the day even finished. I think that counts as a win," Jesper grinned. She smiled in return. He was glad to be filled with positivity again, listening to a mother cry for her child had dimmed his spirits.

Down the hall, the door opened and a wide-eyed Mr. Van Eck exited, rubbing his eyes looking disassociated. Next, his father and the Ghafas came out. They seemed to have calmed. Colm and Mr. Ghafa were chatting very quietly. Jesper stood up again, unable to keep to sit for any longer.

Colm looked down the hall and broke away from her parents. He placed his hand back on Jesper’s shoulder. "Detention is tonight, boy."

Chapter Text

Chapter five: Nina

I'm going to murder him.

Nina thought as she sat at Jesper, Kaz and Matthias's table during their second break, listening to Jesper recounting the events.

Inej went home early, she texted Nina apologising but didn't tell her exactly what happened.

Hence, why she was forced to resort to hearing it from these three dickheads.

"I mean her ma was going off at me. Like nothin' I've ever seen before. I clutched my pearls," Jesper recounted dramatically, with half an apple in his mouth. Nina rolled her eyes for what felt like the millionth time.

"Stop being dramatic, I've met her parents before. I know what they’re like," Nina told them, leaning back in her chair.

"I'm being honest here, Nina. Obviously, they're going to be nice to you. But me?" Jesper scoffed. "They thought I was picking on their daughter of course I activated a different side to them."

Nina sighed. She felt bad for getting all of this information from someone other than Inej herself. Nina knew better than anyone that she hated gossip. But she also knew that Inej would never tell her what happened.

"After that, they disappeared into Mr. Van Eck's office and fucking hell. She has a set of lungs," Jesper chuckled.

"Did you hear what she was saying?" Nina inquired.

"Well, mainly she was screaming how this was supposed to be a no-bully zone, how kids can be so cruel," Jesper said, chewing obnoxiously. "Oh! They also said that they sent her to this school for a reason. Do you know anything about that?"

Nina's heart fell but she shook her head.

"So you reckon she was picked on at her old school?" Matthias suggested glancing around at them.

"Well no shit," Kaz snapped. "Thought that was clear enough."

"Well not everyone can read people as well as you Kaz," Jesper said sarcastically. Nina rubbed her eyes in annoyance. She had only wanted a summary of what happened. But Jesper always derailed when recounting events, usually it took him about several minutes to even get to the beginning of a story. Too many detours.

"Are you seriously taking a dig at me? This is your fault," Kaz snapped. “You’re walking home tonight. I'm not waiting to drive you after detention."

"Wait Kaz, my dearest. I didn't mean it!" Jesper placed a hand on his heart. Kaz raised a brow.

"Will you just hurry up with the story!" Nina barked impatiently.

Jesper sighed loudly and tutted her, "Nothing else happened Nina. My da came up after and told me I had detention. Inej tried to tell her parents that it was an accident, like the lovely girl she is, and then they took her home."

"Lovely, but secretive. She refused to tell me anything about this," Nina pouted. She loved Inej with all her heart but sometimes getting information out of her was like squeezing the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube. Difficult and borderline impossible.

Nina also couldn't help but feel like she had failed. She tried her best to make sure that Inej had a good start at her new school. But Inej hadn't made it past the first break. She would never tell her this, but sometimes Nina felt like trouble followed Inej wherever she went. The unluckiest things always seemed to happen to her.

"Maybe she was just embarrassed about the way her parents acted," Matthias offered. "Sounded like she was."

Nina shrugged helplessly. She had decided to put her issues with Matthias temporarily aside to hear from Jesper himself what happened. But Nina hadn't forgiven him. She wasn't even sure if she had any right to be mad at him, but she was nonetheless. The bastard.

Shaking thoughts of him out of her head, she focused on the issue at hand. "Look, I know you don't know Inej very well," Nina said looking around at them. "But I need your help with making sure that people aren't going to tease her for what happened. Kaz could you-"

"I can handle it," Kaz told her simply.

"What?"

"I'll handle it, you know I can Nina, darling," Kaz shrugged. “You were just about to ask me?"

Nina rolled her eyes at his arrogance. But she was relieved she didn't have to try to convince them. Though, she had a long list of why Inej was the most incredible person ever. "Alright then, I'll tell the girls not to mention it either," Nina grimaced. "I'm not sure they'll listen."

"Nina, those girls are so cruel. Why are you still friends with them?" Matthias asked shaking his head.

"I don't need to hear it from you Helvar," Nina scoffed getting up to leave. "Thanks for the help Kaz, bye everyone."

She heard Matthias call out, but it was pathetically quiet. Like he didn't actually want her to come back.

He had no right to judge how her friends acted towards others when he had treated her the same way. She wouldn't hear it, not from him.

He's right though, they're terrible Nina thought miserably.

Shut up, not you too.

By Saints, they were awful companions. But she had worked hard to be in the position she was now. Being well-liked in this school. She hadn't told Inej this but when she first started, she was also being picked on. However, it rarely compared to what Inej went through, so she never brought it up. It was just little snide comments, excluding her during class, and isolating her from her peers.

Then something changed in her 9th year. She had gotten herself a boyfriend, he sat with her in science. He was average-looking and a complete bore to talk to, but everyone thought it was incredibly cool that they were dating. Girls would ask her about it and gush when she would tell them how they kissed. They would always tell her how jealous they were, wishing it was their turn.

That's when Imogen came along. She also had a boyfriend and she would frequently talk to Nina about how difficult and exhausting it was. Every time someone would try to join in on their conversation, Imogen would kick them out saying, "Only Nina understands." Nina had never felt more special.

Just like that, she was finally a part of the world she had been excluded from. Even when she dumped her boyfriend, she seemed to have gained the respect to stay in the group. But as time went on and her desire for their validation weakened. She began getting into more arguments with them.

The most conniving one of them all, was Imogen. Nina would now frequently butt heads with her and during every argument between the two, the group fell to Imogen's heel. Nina was surrounded by friends but she felt completely alone.

That's why she wanted Inej to move here so badly. She just needed one real friend, one she truly trusted. Selfishly, she prayed Inej would return the next day and give it another shot. Nina didn't want to be alone anymore.

She sighed and returned to the girl's table.

Nina felt like a crazy, possessive ex-boyfriend with the amount of times she texted Inej that morning. As she expected, Inej didn't tell her much, but Nina was able to reassure her that no one was discussing what happened.

Inej didn't come to school the next day to Nina's disappointment. However, it was not because she was afraid to. When she fell, Inej injured herself slightly and took a day to rest and ice her hip. But she promised to return the next day and Nina felt giddy.

Fortunately, Nina was not lying about the radio silence about what happened to Inej. Whatever Kaz had pulled, worked, because nobody uttered a word the next day. Now it was morning and Nina had sent her the tenth text about where they should meet before lunch.

The bell rang and Nina grabbed her books swiftly and was the first out the door. She charged over to Inej's locker and leaned against the wall.

"So... how was take two?" Nina asked her cheekily. Inej smiled.

"Not too bad, it's strange. It's almost like it never happened," she said quietly. “Thanks. I know it was you."

"I did nothing of the-"

"Jesper and Kaz told me,” Inej admitted.

Nina was bewildered, "What!? When did they-"

"Homeroom, they sat next to me. Oomen stayed away this time," Inej laughed.

"Bloody traitors," Nina groaned. Inej slipped her arm through Nina’s heading to the dining hall.

"It's okay Nina, I'm very grateful," Inej turned serious. “But I can also take care of myself, I've been through far worse than whispers and knowing smiles."

Nina nodded but didn't say anything more.

The rest of the day went by like a breeze. When it came time to go home, however, Nina's mother never showed up.

She sighed loudly, accepting her fate and began her trek to the nearest bus stop. She wasn't all too concerned that her mother forgot. She was more concerned about who was over at the house causing it.

Finally reaching her home, Nina unlocked the door and slowly peeked inside. She heard muffled talking from the sitting room. As quietly as she could, she snuck behind the couch and bolted upstairs to her bedroom. She closed her bedroom door silently.

So ma has another one.

Nina loved her mother, they got along great the majority of the time. She doesn't, however, like who her ma becomes when she gets into a new relationship. When nothing else matters except that man and his interests. Even over her daughter's.

It wasn't entirely her fault though, her father's affair and the divorce had ruined her mother's perception of relationships and her self-esteem. Nina and her have had countless arguments that always end the same.

"What man will love a single mother if she doesn't treat him this way?!" She'd always say and Nina never said anything back.

Nina climbed into bed, suddenly exhausted and filled with dread, but she dozed off easily. Halfway through the night, Nina awoke to her mother shaking her awake. She looked over and saw her mother leaning over in her dressing gown. "Hey, lovely. How was school?" she asked and began stroking Nina's hair.

"What?" Nina croaked sleepily.

"I have a little favor to ask you," her mother cooed. "What do you think about staying at nan’s just for the rest of the week? Mhm. You can miss some days off school, and-"

"Wait, what? nan’s? She lives hours away!" Nina was bewildered. She rubbed her eyes sleepily.

"I'll drive you there in the morning, and we can stop and get a dessert at the bakery," her mother continued. "I'll have to be home by the afternoon though..."

"He doesn't know, does he?" Nina said quietly.

"What was that, honey?"

"He doesn't know you have a kid, does he?" She said coldly.

Her mother fell silent for a while. Nina thought she might not say anything at all.

"I just need these next three days."

Nina's eyes embarrassingly filled with hot, frustrated tears. She was suddenly glad for the darkness. "Okay."

"Oh, Nina. I love you so much," her mother tried to kiss her cheek, but Nina rolled over turning her back to her.

Silence enveloped them again and after a couple of seconds, she felt her Ma rise from her bed. Only after the door shut completely did Nina allow her tears to drip down and soak her pillow.

Chapter Text

Chapter six: Inej

What isn't she telling me?

"What do you mean you aren't coming today!?" Inej exclaimed over the phone. Nina had called her in the morning and promptly announced that she wasn't going to be there for the rest of the week. Without any explanation.

"I'm sorry, it's just my grandma..." Nina trailed off. "We needed to visit her."

"But why?!" Inej asked. She pondered before gasping. "Is.. is she dying?"

"Saints no! She's perfectly fine," Nina reassured her. Inej waited for her to elaborate.

She didn't.

"Nina, is everything okay? I don't want to pry," Inej bit her fingernail. "But this is a bit… unexpected, to say the least."

There was a silence on Nina's end before a muffled, "coming ma".

"I'm sorry Inej, I’ve got to go. I'll keep you updated," Nina said rapidly before promptly hanging up.

"Love yo-" Inej scoffed. "Right thanks."

She glanced around the corner shop again. That morning, she had walked there thinking Nina would either walk with her or drive. She had been getting worried before she got the call. What was going on? Should Inej be concerned? Should she investigate?

Nina was acting odd on the phone, but she heard Nina's mother's voice indefinitely in the background. She isn't kidnapped I guess.

Nonetheless, Inej couldn't stop worrying. Selfishly, Inej was also worried about going to school alone. She hadn't gone without Nina yet. Could this first week be any more hectic?

Inej finally arrived at the school, surprisingly early too. Even though Inej took a while waiting for Nina, she still got to school earlier than she would normally.

Walking through the gates, she felt an unfamiliar calm, she liked the silence of the early morning. The crisp air and the mist that covered the school making it appear even more ethereal than it already did. She enjoyed how she could only see scattered students arriving or walking alone to their destinations. Everyone walking through the morning haze and minding their business quietly.

Quiet. She loved the sound of it.

She decided this was a perfect time to explore some more of the campus to gather her surroundings. The campus was gorgeous from what she had seen so far. Only Nina and occasionally Jesper led her around to her classes because she had no real idea where things were. Now, she had time and space to do her exploration. So, Inej put in her headphones and began her venture.

It was not long before she was convinced she had covered half the school. She reached the stairs that led up to the gym.

She knew the gym and hated it. Taking off her headphones she could hear the intense grunting and shouting of some poor team that were training. Luckily, beside it she noticed an overgrown path that went behind the enormous building.

Who was she to disrupt the training?

She glanced around and went around the back.

"I've told you all I fucking know."

Inej stopped in her tracks, she scanned her surroundings. She was about halfway around the gym now.

"I don't pay you to be a liar," said another voice. A familiar one.

She took a few steps forward to see where the voices were coming from. It was from an abandoned staircase that led into a bolted, and seemingly abandoned, basement. One of the guys turned around so she could finally see his face. She covered her mouth in shock and ducked behind a bin. What is Kaz doing here?

"Look, these guys are bad news that's all you need to know. Jesper already fucked himself you might as well stay out of it," the guy spat.

Inej could only see the back of Kaz’s head now. She continued crouching, nervous they could see her. Leave Inej, this is wrong of you. Her legs refused.

"I can be the judge of that, and you can do your job and tell me where this account is linked too," Kaz spoke eerily calmly.

The guy glanced around and rubbed his neck. "Man, I don't know if I can..."

"I won't ask again," Kaz took a step closer to the man. "Remember what you needed this money for Geely, Elise might not be too happy."

The boy began puffing out his chest, "I'm older than you." Inej thought this seemed like a pathetic last-ditch effort to gain some footing in this conversation.

"In years maybe, but everywhere else?" Kaz narrowed his eyes sharply. “You’re a child."

Inej watched the older boy sag and reach into his back pocket. He pulled out a small piece of paper. Only when he extended his hand could she see how violently he was shaking.

"Good choice," Kaz sighed tapping his cane. "There is still hope for you yet. Maybe."

Geels seemed to linger awkwardly. Kaz looked back up at him and raised a brow. "Go," was all he said and it was enough to send the boy off.

Inej melted herself into a shadow as he strode by her. He didn't notice and Inej exhaled relieved. Guilt, however, started to consume her. What was she doing?! Eavesdropping like that was so inappropriate. What if someone did that to you? I should apologise. It was rude and disrespectful-

"Inej?"

She stilled in her crouched position. Humiliation was now the only thing she felt. She got up slowly and turned guiltily. She now stood face-to-face with Kaz. He was looking at her curiously. She couldn't tell if he was angry.

"I heard.” Why did I just say that?!

Kaz's face contorted strangely and he studied her up and down, Inej felt flustered.

"I... didn't know you were there," he spoke in a faraway tone.

Inej didn't know what to say. She was pretty skilled at hiding herself and anyway, she hadn't wanted to be seen.

"I won't tell anyone," Inej practically whispered.

"I know you won't," Kaz replied. Although this seemed like a threat his tone was not malicious, he sounded surprised himself.

They stared at each other a moment longer. The sun was peaking through the mist now, shining onto her face. He was dangerously beautiful, she realised. His pale skin and chiselled cheekbones made him look sculpted, and he had a scar on his eyebrow. Inej felt a strange urge to touch it. He was very tall, slender but not skinny. He gripped his cane a little tighter, Inej noticed.

What struck her the most was his dazzling eyes. They were piercing blue and grey, like the ocean on a stormy day. She had a feeling she would not forget them anytime soon.

He cleared his throat and suddenly turned to leave. Inej was puzzled.

"I'm sorry!" she called out. "It was wrong of me to listen."

Kaz continued on his way.

Inej could not stop thinking about what she heard. First, she was concerned about Nina's strange disappearance and now Jesper was in danger? She felt that she knew way too much and way too little all at once.

Kaz didn't acknowledge her in homeroom and Inej was certain he was furious with her. She didn't blame him, what she did was wrong. She hoped to make it up to him. However, leaving him on his own seemed like the best option right now.

"Inej could you please stay with us? You missed your cue,” her music teacher, Alys scolded.

"Oh right. I'm sorry," Inej muttered. This music class might be the death of her. The teacher began flipping the pages back dramatically and Inej cringed.

"Your mark begins right after Markus finishes his solo," a boy next to Inej whispered to her.

When she turned to look at him his eyes were glued to the floor. His ginger curls covered his eyes and he was fiddling with the flute in his hand.

"Thank you," Inej chuckled. "I'm not musically talented, as you could probably tell."

The boy looked up almost surprised, like he couldn’t believe she was talking to him. He gave her a short smile before Alys tapped her baton to signal a restart.

Inej wondered why the boy was so timid. She wanted to speak with him again but as class ended he rushed away before she could get a word out. How strange.

She then felt her stomach drop as she realised what time it was. Her first break without Nina. Would the girls even let her sit with them? Maybe she could just hide in the bathrooms.

"Lost in thought?"

Inej spun around in surprise and she saw Kaz standing outside the music class as she exited. Was he a band kid? Or did he want to confront her about earlier? How'd he know her class?

"Did you-"

"I saw you in go into this class earlier, yes" Kaz confirmed and moved so he was beside her.

Inej straightened her shoulders out and looked away at the sea of students in the hallway, "I'm guessing you want to discuss what happened earlier?"

She looked up at him. He looked amused. She frowned, "What?"

"Your formalities are appreciated, but you’re right," Kaz looked at her. "I didn't know you had it in you."

Inej's frown deepened as his smirk widened. "To be troublesome, Inej," Kaz said before beginning to walk towards the hall. Inej hated herself as she began following him.

"You're teasing me," Inej stated blandly. "I wanted to apologise again, but you’re making me not want to."

"Shame, I was really holding hope for one," Kaz spoke sarcastically. Inej suddenly found his face extremely punchable, but she composed herself.

"In all seriousness Kaz," Inej stopped and Kaz turned to look at her, his face unreadable yet again. "I won't tell a soul what I heard."

He said nothing now. She could tell he was thinking.

"It was wrong what I did," Inej repeated to him.

"You take things too personally," Kaz told her and began walking towards the dining hall again. Inej scoffed.

"Maybe you're just too impersonal,” Inej muttered. She thought she'd try her luck, "Is Jesper-"

"Don't," Kaz spoke sharply now. "Your discretion is appreciated."

"My discretion?" Inej said incredulously. How serious was this?

"I mean don't bring it up again," Kaz said finally before striding away from her. Inej only just noticed they made it to the dining hall. She wished she got the final word in with Kaz.

"Inej! What was that about?" she felt a hand on her shoulder and looking up she saw Imogen’s crooked smile.

"Oh- uh, just-"

"Come sit with us. You tell us about what he said!" Imogen took her upper arm and pulled her to the dreaded table.

"Ladies, Inej here has something to share..." she said. Before letting her say anything Imogen exclaimed, "She walked to the dining hall with Kaz!"

Inej felt like she was on a hot seat. Her anxiety spiked. What could she tell them? They were talking about a very personal thing that even she had no right overhearing. Looking up, she saw the beading eyes of all the girls are the table. Imogen nodded expectantly.

"Er... he asked for my notes..." Inej uttered lamely, "For chemistry. We're both in a class together." A chorus of disappointed girls began sighing and scoffing. Inej felt a strange satisfaction in not giving them what they wanted.

"Eugh, I'm in that class and I sit right beside him." Imogen sulked. “He could've asked me." There was something very dangerous about Imogen’s look towards Inej now. Like she had stolen something personal to her. Her eyes narrowed.

Inej shrugged and opened her sandwich, before eating she heard the girls were snickering about something. She followed their gaze to a boy who was sitting alone at a lunch table. She recognised him as the same boy who had spoken to her in music class. He was reading something. Not a book though, Inej realised, music pages?

'What a freak" she heard them say. She clicked her jaw in annoyance, because Inej couldn't give them any drama, they had begun picking on an innocent person out of boredom.

"He's just reading," Inej remarked trying to keep her voice even.

"Yeah, musical sheets," Imogen cackled. “What a dickhead."

The girls laughed again, they began whispering nasty things that Inej decided to tune out. She looked over again. He seemed unbothered, but then she remembered his timid face when she talked to him in the class.

Inej stood up.

"What are you doing?" Imogen asked giving her a strange look. Inej ignored her. She kicked her seat out, grabbed her food and started to leave.

She walked over to where the lonesome boy sat. Despite seeming entirely focused on the sheets he was analysing, he immediately noticed her arrive. He looked terrified.

"Hi," Inej greeted.

Chapter Text

Chapter seven: Wylan

Why can't they leave me alone?

Wylan thought miserably. He'd seen Inej come over from the snickering group of girls and knew his lunch was going to be ruined.

Did she think he was stupid, that he couldn't see a prank from a mile away? He held his breath.

"Hi," she said pleasantly.

What?

"Could I… sit with you?" Inej asked glancing around nervously. Wylan nodded silently gesturing to the seat across from him. He quickly closed his mouth once he realised it was open. Inej sat opposite him.

"Can you get it over with please," Wylan mumbled. "I'll make a big show if you want."

"I'm not here to pick on you," Inej reassured him. He looked up and met her eyes. They looked like how they did in their music class, filled with kindness. It was strange how uncommon that was.

"You're not?" Wylan gaped. "W-why?"

Inej shrugged and shifted uncomfortably in her seat, "I know what it's like. I'm not going to lie, they were making fun of you over there."

Wylan winced but she continued, "And I didn't want to hear it."

"I don’t need pity," Wylan said. “And you're not going to get extra points with my father if you do this either."

Countless times over the years, people would casually come up to him during breaks. Usually for three different reasons; for a dare, to prank him or to get in his father's good books. If it was the last one they were continuously disappointed. The other two he had grown semi-immune to. Or rather he would ignore the way it stung.

"I don't know your father," she shrugged again.

"Stop teasing," Wylan squinted at her.

"I'm not!" She laughed.

Did I do that? Make someone laugh? This was too much.

"Honestly, I was similar to you in a way at my old school," Inej admitted.

"I couldn't sit with those girls anymore. They're too familiar, all the same..." Inej trailed off. "Can I please just sit here?"

It fell silent for a short moment, and Wylan realised that the answer wasn't apparently obvious to her. "Sure."

Inej sighed in relief letting out a little giggle. Wylan pinched himself. Okay not a dream, right? Then what the hell is happening?

She then extended a hand out to him, "I'm Inej Ghafa."

He shook it passively, "I know."

"What?" she frowned. “How?"

Wylan regretted bringing that up, "Well you and Jesper... er lunch, you know..."

Inej's face soured and her pencil-straight posture dipped slightly.

"I'm sorry, it's just the truth," Wylan couldn't believe he was messing up his one chance to make a friend.

At the beginning of his time at Ketterdam College, Wylan dreamed of a new kid who had no clue who he was, willing to befriend him. It was pathetic and he was aware, but he couldn't stop. He had been publicly shunned by the entire year level, and his father spared no sympathies for him. He used to tell his father about the kids who would pick on him and beg him to do something. But he refused, saying in school Wylan was not his son and he would ‘show no favouritism’. The next day "SNITCH" was written in bold, red letters on his locker. He had no idea how they found out, but they did.

Once Wylan was announced as the principal's son, it only got worse from there. No one would go near him, talking to him was a death sentence so they avoided him like the plague.

As time went on that imaginary friend, he realised, was just that. Imaginary. No one was going to come and befriend him or take pity on him. He was alone.

He decided when they picked on him, he would take no notice and brave it. Pretending like he didn't care.

But maybe it wasn't imaginary now. There was a new girl who had been through something similar to Wylan. She understood and seemed willing to associate herself with him. He couldn’t afford to mess it up.

"I'm Wylan," he took a deep breath before continuing. “W-Wylan Van Eck."

Her head shot up and he tried not to physically cringe. Here it comes. The digs and insults, maybe she'd even laugh in his face.

"Like... Mr Van Eck's..." Wylan nodded. "Oh wow," Inej's eyebrows raised. “You have much better hair than him."

Wylan laughed unexpectedly. He was overjoyed to see that Inej had joined him in his laughter.

"So you really don't care? That I'm the principal's son?"

Inej seemed to study him for a moment before saying, "We are not our fathers, Wylan."

For the next two days Inej, just as she told him, sat at his table at lunch. Like clockwork, she would walk in, food in hand, grin and wave at him. He thought she was very nice to openly waving at him. Or maybe that was the usual friend activity he wouldn’t know. Either way, everyone knew that the new girl had ditched Imogen’s table to sit at his.

From what he heard, she was furious. Inej heard this too and found it incredibly pleasing and hilarious.

“Imogen doesn’t actually want me to sit with her, she doesn’t even like me,” Inej announced opening her sandwich during their break on Friday. “She only wants the satisfaction of being the one to kick me out of the group instead of me leaving.”

Wylan pondered this. He guessed this was probably true, he wasn’t entirely all that educated on the inner workings of girl friendships.

“That sounds… manipulative,” Wylan confessed.

“Tell me about it,” Inej sighed. “I still don’t know why Nina put up with them for all these years.”

The thought of Nina made Wylan anxious. Since Inej had sat with him, Nina had been absent. He was 90% certain it was the reason Inej made this move in the first place. But what happens when she returns? Everything goes back to the way it was. He quite enjoyed having someone who wasn’t an adult to talk to.

The bell rang, snapping Wylan from his thoughts. Inej moved to leave.

“I have the Arts now,” Inej told him. “Where’s your class? Is it on the way?”

It was the same building. “No.”

Inej frowned at him, “Are you alright?”

He nodded before quickly standing up. “I’ve gotta go, I’ll be late!” He told her before rushing off.

He was guilty for leaving so suddenly, but his anxiety got the better of him. What feeling would he have when Inej left him for Nina? It would be embarrassing, sure. The entire school seeing Wylan sitting alone again after a three-day break. It would be worse than that feeling though. Maybe similar to betrayal, except he wouldn’t be angry at her for it. He would understand. Maybe he should ignore her beforehand, make her choice easier.

Another part of him knew that he wouldn’t ignore Inej, that on Monday he would sit in that same spot and wait hopefully for Inej to wave at him and sit. He also knew that on Monday, he would sit hopelessly and watch Inej and Nina walk in together. Nina would make a face as Inej gestures to Wylan, they would stand there arguing, before ultimately avoiding him. For the whole break, he would hear people snicker.

Wylan swallowed a lump in his throat and dipped his head to the ground. He had become pretty good at navigating the school by looking at the floor tiles. He had spent the last three years doing so.

Or so he thought because he ran directly into something. A pole maybe?

“Ouch!”

A pole that talked?

“Watch where you’re going little guy,” a charismatic voice chuckled. Wylan looked up wide-eyed. Jesper Fahey.

He was instantly annoyed. Wylan knew Jesper, everyone knew Jesper Fahey. He wasn’t just well-known but well-liked. Wylan found him charming of course and funny. But the good things he could say about Jesper were finite. He might not pick on Wylan, but he certainly annoyed him. Immensely.

“Ah, rich boy!” Jesper exclaimed and smacked Wylans arm. Wylan moved off-kilter before straightening. Rich boy? Seriously, he heard better insults than that.

“We go to the same school,” Wylan told him blandly.

“Huh?” Jesper raised a brow.

“We go to the same school…” Wylan explained. “A private school, might I add.”

“You don’t have a good grasp on the way the world works do you, kid?” Jesper smirked.

Kid? “I’m the same age as you!” Wylan cried. “Eugh, never mind.”

Wylan turned to leave.

“Hey! Put in a good word with your da for me, I need it!” Jesper shouted to him as he left. Wylan went bright red and scowled. What a dick.

He had been frustrated that Inej, despite being terrorised by him on her first day, also only had nice things to say about him. Was he crazy for feeling his face heat up in irritation whenever Jesper spoke?

The rest of his day was polluted with thoughts of Jesper. Another thing he didn’t enjoy was how he could so easily plague your mind. Wylan could only think of his face. His eyes and his lips. He was handsome, everyone saw that too. Jesper had been known to date around, that was another thing Wylan would feel a flare of indigitation for.

But at least he didn’t spend his lessons stressing about break next week. He had enough time to do that over the weekend.

Finally, it was the end of the day. Wylan was the last to leave his class. He didn’t need to rush. Usually, his father would send their housemaid to pick him up, but today she had taken a sick leave. Meaning, Wylan needed to wait for his father to finish work here and go home with him.

There was something strangely calm about how deserted the school was after hours. He took his time wandering down the hallways to the front office. He held his head high now that no one was around to see. Wylan’s bag was heavy on his back, he had shoved his flute case inside with all his books. The bag now matched his body weight.

Before turning the corner he painfully swung the bag off his back and moved to open it. He suddenly heard an echoey voice down the hall.

“Well, what else did he say?” Jesper cried. “Kaz, I have a bad feeling about this.”

Wylan paused and peeked his head around the corner. Jesper was stood with his back to Wylan pacing around the lockers, his phone tilted to his mouth.

There was a muffled reply that Wylan couldn’t make out.

“Don’t just say that! Let me help, I can-” Jesper exclaimed frantically. “What? No… I’m alone.”

Wylan’s stomach dropped and he hid around the corner again. Leave it to Kaz Brekker to sense that someone is listening even over the phone. He grabbed his backpack and put it over his shoulder as quietly as he could before sneaking away. What the hell was that?

He had never seen Jesper look so concerned and distraught. He was always so easy-going and carefree. Wylan suddenly felt worried about Jesper, what kind of trouble was he in? Regular trouble or was Jesper in some actual danger? Why do you care so much?

He hurried to his father with his head reeling. He was so busy thinking up crazy possibilities that he didn’t even notice his bag’s weight anymore.

Finally, making it to the office he noticed his father walking out of the entrance. He must have finished early, Wylan supposed. He hadn’t noticed Wylan yet. A woman suddenly appeared from directly behind him. They stopped to face each other and began speaking very intimately. Wylan struggled not to gag.

Unfortunately, his recently separated father had taken a liking to his young music teacher, Alys. When he first found out he was convinced that this affair had been happening even before the parting and maybe his father hired Alys only because of this. Partly, because Alys was an awful music teacher and partly because she was so young.

At school, his father was usually not this open, especially in front of his colleagues. At home, Wylan had to witness their ‘budding romance’. He was pretty certain that he was the only one who knew about their relationship outside the two of them. His father wasn’t even worried, after all, who would Wylan tell? His friends?

They had never been this open before, and Wylan wondered if they were no longer hiding it.

“Wylan! What the hell are doing?” his father yelled to him. “Get in the car.”

Alys turned around a waved sweetly at Wylan. He sighed but waved back. She is so blind.

They walked over to the car and Alys hopped into the passenger seat. Wylan fought a groan and hesitated to get into the car.

Wylan considered booking it away from him. But he knew himself too well, he would barely make it a block with his heavy bag and poor athletic skills. Wylan climbed inside.

“We are dropping you off,” Mr. Van Eck told him. “We have reservations.”

Wylan nodded wiping his nose on his sleeve. They didn’t speak for the rest of the way home.

Chapter Text

Chapter eight: Kaz

Of course, it’s this neighbourhood.

Kaz stood on the sidewalk in a regular suburban street, where rows of the similar housing stood side by side. The outside of this particular address seemed like a nice standard home. But he was here for who was inside this house. He rechecked the note. This was definitely the address.

He tried not to be surprised. It’s never the people you expect. He knew this all too well.

Kaz checked his watch.

He shifted on his feet and began to rub his thigh. His leg had been bothering him all day and it didn’t help that Kaz had left his cane in his car that was parked blocks down. He couldn’t have brought it with him, it would’ve made this job harder. He decided to lean against the typical white picket fence that surrounded the house.

This bloke has probably never seen a bad day in his life, but he will soon.

Bright headlights scanned the neighbourhood as a Toyota Hatchback pulled into the street. The lights just missed Kaz who had now strategically lowered himself further into the bush. He crouched lower into the branches just out of sight.

Oddly enough, the car didn’t pull into the driveway it parked next to the sidewalk. Kaz readied himself.

Early in the morning when Kaz got the information from that idiot Geels, he had immediately searched the internet for him. Before school even started Kaz had figured out what he looked like, who he surrounded himself with and most importantly where he lived. He recalled Jesper having a fit about Kaz not letting him get involved.

“This is my mistake!” Jesper had cried. “Let me help fix it.”

“Fix it?” Kaz scoffed. “You’d only make it worse.”

That was the last thing he said to Jesper before coming here. He felt his phone buzz again, and Kaz rolled his eyes. He quickly glanced down at the screen that read 13 missed calls from Jesper. He deleted the notification and turned his phone off shoving it back in his pocket.

Kaz looked back up at the parked car and shifted his leg again. He grimaced but remained as still as he could. Suddenly he saw the passenger door open and Kaz squinted his eyes to see clearer. The headlights were still on but Kaz was sure that this was a girl’s frame. She leaned into the car gesturing to the house before slamming the door and the car’s ignition turned off.

The girl’s long, straight, black hair moved around her waist mesmerizingly as she turned around revealing her face.

Fuck right off.

“Hey, Inej! You haven’t got the house keys, wait up!” a boy yelled to her, he ran around the car before locking it. Inej laughed lightly, and Kaz felt his blood pressure skyrocket.

“Well hurry up, I need to by home by 8:30 Bajan,” Inej said to him. He jogged up lightly to match her step.

If Kaz was to do something now would be the time. They were about to pass him, close enough for him to snatch Bajan from the driveway, but hidden enough for them to never see him coming. Kaz didn’t move an inch.

What the hell was going on? Why did Inej know Bajan? The online scammer who had snubbed Jesper more times than Kaz even bothered to ask. Not just Jesper too. Bajan’s victims were not restricted to Ketterdam or even Kerch, Kaz had found complaints all the way from Fjerda. Why would Inej associate with him? Was she even aware?

Not that he knew her well enough to determine that. Inej could be a horrible person too. She’s not though.

Kaz concluded that there was no way Inej knew. Who was Bajan to her anyway? They could be related or friends. Or they were dating. Kaz scowled. They wouldn’t be dating, Kaz had found no trace of any relationship between the two online. Her appearance tonight was a complete surprise. Kaz hated surprises, and it seemed that this girl was incredibly talented at doing just that.

He should leave. Although this realisation irritated him, this night was perfect. His parents were out at a company party and weren’t coming back until late, leaving Bajan supposedly home alone. Supposedly.

But Inej’s appearance proved two things.

1. Bajan wasn’t alone.
2. Kaz didn’t know all the things that he should.

If he didn’t know what about Inej, what else didn’t he know? He needed to leave and regather his thoughts and information. He needed another plan. A plan with no possibility of surprises. Kaz stood from his tree spot after the two went inside. He ran a hand through his hair and turned to leave. He underestimated how much effort he might need to put into ensuring that Bajan gave back the money he stole from Jesper.

But something stopped him in his path. Maybe Bajan is stealing money right now. From Inej, maybe she’s his next victim.

Jesper mentioned how Bajan took him to his house to “confirm this was legit,” or something. Kaz only remembered this because of how he lost his temper at Jesper because he didn’t memorise the address. Either way, maybe that’s what he walked in on.

He needed to go. Kaz hated being unprepared and he was rarely so. He could help Inej get her money back if it does get stolen from her. She could last a couple of days, Jesper had lasted four months.

“She said she couldn’t afford another uniform, I offered to pay for it and everything,” Jesper told him driving home after his detention on that fateful day. “It made me feel horrible, it was one of the first things she mentioned.”

Before he knew it, Kaz had turned around and was walking back to the house. Maybe Inej would be willing to help him if she knew what was happening. She had already proven to have skill in sneaking around. She could be a good assistance in this. That’s why he was turning around. She wouldn’t help him if she knew that Kaz let her money get stolen.

He pushed his reasoning for this decision out of his head as he walked down the driveway. His leg was killing him now but he ignored the burning sensation and shuffled his way into the backyard. Kaz skilfully scaled the low white fence and now scanned the backyard. His ears perked up as he heard muffled speaking, he followed the noise to a window that, judging from Kaz’s restricted view, was the kitchen.

“Are you sure you have it?” Inej’s voice carried through the window. “My Da wants me home in an hour.”

“Yes, just give me a minute,” Bajan replied. Kaz heard typing.

“You told me that it was already written down,” Inej sounded annoyed. “What are you doing now?”

“Just… stop distracting me Inej,” Bajan muttered. Inej sighed loudly.

Kaz felt a surge of anger, he knew it. Bajan truly was a bastard. What made her appealing to him? Did he think that Inej would be too timid to confront him? Kaz felt around and found a rock and placing it in his hand he took a few steps sideways and launched it into the window.

A horrified shriek erupted that sounded like a girl but nothing like Inej. “What the fuck!?” Bajan shrieked again.

Kaz scurried to the corner of the backyard out of eyesight from the window.

“It was a rock,” Inej announced. “Someone must’ve thrown it.”

“You mean someone’s in my backyard?” Bajan asked. He sounded terrified now, and Kaz felt a sick satisfaction.

“Well probably not anymore,” Inej reasoned sounding entirely too calm for a normal person. “The rock has been thrown now, they’ve most likely run away.”

There was a beat of silence. “Should… should one of us… check?” Bajan inquired. Another beat of silence.

Inej sighed loudly, “Fine I’ll check.”

Kaz heard the back door swing open and at the same time, the kitchen window slammed shut. Coward.

“Anyone out here?” Inej called out. “Anyone!?”

Kaz stood from his spot but remained around the corner, he leaned against the wall giving his leg a break.

Inej continued to call out pointlessly although her voice was getting closer. Finally, she found her way around the corner. Kaz had to give it to her, she didn’t flinch. Her dark eyes did widen a bit.

“Kaz…” she said breathlessly as if Kaz had winded her.

He realised that he wasn’t talking, “you need to leave Inej. Now.”

This seemed to snap her back to reality, she frowned and crossed her arms. “Excuse me?”

“Bajan isn’t the bloke you think he is,” Kaz told her pushing from the wall.

“And what exactly do I think of him, Kaz?” Inej asked him, quirking her eyebrow and raising her head slightly.

“He’s a scammer, a successful one,” Kaz tore his eyes away from her and towards the house again. “Remember when you were spying on me?”

This seemed to fluster Inej, she looked down sheepishly. “Bajan was the target, he’s stolen money from a good friend of mine,” Kaz told her. “I intend to get it back.”

This was truly a gamble, telling her this. Although in hindsight this wasn’t a lot of information he was telling her he was still placing and strange amount of trust in her. She could easily run back into the house and alert Bajan of his presence and explain that he knows about the stolen money. But Inej remained where she was looking at him harshly.

“Bajan wouldn’t…” Inej mustered. “He’s not cruel like that.”

“Maybe you’re just not a good judge of character,” Kaz snapped. “You haven’t given him your information have you?”

“No! He’s my family friend. Our parents have been close for years!” Inej exclaimed. “I grew up with him. I would be able to judge his character much more than you.”

Kaz rolled his eyes. “Don’t be ignorant, Inej,” Kaz told her. “Nice people can be nasty in places we can’t see.”

Inej was quiet now, he could tell he upset her. But still, she did not move or call out to Bajan. Kaz wanted her to believe him, desperately. It was a strange and unfamiliar feeling.

“Go in and ask him if he knows Jesper,” Kaz advised her. “Tell me what he says.”

Now he was really risking this. Instructing her to go in and expose Jesper.

Inej looked hesitant. He could see she was stubborn, but maybe she believed him. Just a little bit.

“I’ll leave if you promise to ask,” Kaz bargained. Inej studied him, a pit formed in his stomach.

“Fine, go” was all she said turning on her heel and heading around the corner of the house again. Kaz heard the backdoor open and close. Maybe he should stay and listen to see if she would really ask or rat him out instead. But he decided it was time to leave. No one but Inej could confirm he was here. Bajan parents were financially stable, but not wealthy enough to install cameras outside their house. Maybe if their son had donated some of his “earnings” they would be able to.

Kaz left the way he came and began walking down the street to his car with Inej stuck in his mind.

Kaz finally pulled up at the Fahey house. He killed the ignition and sat in the car for a second. He was in a horrible mood. Nothing about this night went how it was supposed to and the only person to blame was himself. Jesper too.

He finally got the motivation to leave the car and kicked his tyres as he walked past. He leaned heavily on his cane silently hoping that Colm Fahey had left some ice packs in the fridge for him.

Since he was 15 Kaz had been living with the Fahey’s.Originally it was a circumstantial thing, Jesper found out that Kaz had been living on the street throughout most of primary school and demanded that he at least take a shower at their house. Colm didn’t let him leave after just the shower. After a couple of weeks, the department for child protection arrived at the door. Kaz seriously considered jumping out the second-floor window and making a run for it. But Colm ushered him downstairs and after an hour-long talk Kaz was now fostered by the Fahey’s.

Kaz still didn’t fully understand why they cared for him so much, especially Colm. When he first started staying at their home he was a horrible nuisance. Making himself unlikeable so they would just leave him to his own devices. But he was frequently met with understanding and kindness. It pissed him off. Eventually, drunkenly Colm admitted to him that his family hadn’t felt whole since his wife died and that Kaz helped in making it feel less empty.

Kaz never mentioned it to anyone what Colm had said, but he straightened himself up and decided to only be a bastard outside of the Fahey household.

He used to tell people that the Fahey’s had kidnapped him and he was unable to get away, but deep down, he knew that if he had any chance to leave, he wouldn’t. But he would die before Jesper or Colm found this out.

Kaz kicked his shoes off at the door and limped into the kitchen to open the freezer.

“Guessin’ you want this?”

Kaz turned around as Colm walked into the kitchen holding an ice pack. “Well how long have you been holding it for?” Kaz asked.

Colm chuckled, “Take it you little shite.” He threw the ice pack to Kaz who caught it and walked to the living room taking a seat on the couch.

“Where have you been now, Kaz?” Colm asked, Kaz could sense where this was going. “What is it now? Book-club? Tutoring? Or what was the new one? Ah yes, detention until 8:30 pm.”

“The orchestra practice ran late,” Kaz told him. Colm didn’t find this funny, he sighed and sat down on the couch adjacent to him.

“You’re not hanging around those people again, are ya?” Colm’s pleading face made Kaz look away.

“No.”

“Be honest.”

“How much more honest can I be?” Kaz retaliated. “Question answered. I don’t associate with them anymore.”

“Promise me,” Colm urged. “That these late nights have a perfectly legal reason for them.”

Kaz looked at him. Colm dropped his head and rubbed his forehead.

“I didn’t do anything illegal tonight,” Kaz admitted. Partly true, he didn’t do the illegal thing he set out to do. He just broke someone’s window instead of their jaw.

“Tonight. Okay,” Colm nodded. “Go up to your room, Jesper’s waiting to speak to ya.”

Kaz hauled himself up from the couch and made his way to the stairs. He paused halfway up them and waited until Colm pressed play on the TV again before he continued.

He opened his door and heard Jesper's immediately swing open and he charged into Kaz’s room before he could shut it. Kaz groaned.

“What happened Kaz?!” Jesper cried. “I’ve been stressing over here! Even Da noticed I wasn’t right.”

“You’re Da always notices when you’re off, Jesper,” Kaz told him. “You might be dramatic but you’re a shit actor.”

Jesper threw up his hand before taking a seat on the desk chair. Kaz had to revert to sitting on his bed now. His irritancy was growing by the minute. He placed the ice pack back on his leg and looked up at Jesper.

“I didn’t talk to Bajan tonight,” Kaz confessed.

“What!? Why?” Jesper was bewildered.

“Because I fucking decided not to,” Kaz snapped.

Jesper shut his mouth which Kaz was extremely grateful for. He began to take off his jacket.

“This is my problem Kaz,” Jesper mumbled. “You can’t exclude me from the solution.”

“I can and I will,” Kaz replied cordially not looking up.

“Because I’ll only make it worse?” Jesper scowled.

“Now you’re getting it,” Kaz looked at him now his face hard and unforgiving. Jesper looked hurt.

“Got it,” Jesper spoke abruptly before finally leaving Kaz’s room and muttering insults.

He was relieved to finally be alone, maybe he should be guilty for being so cruel to Jesper. But honestly, he had little remorse for him after his idiotic decision to gamble on illegal websites and involve himself with scammers. Did he have no common sense? Kaz’s spitefulness towards Jesper would hopefully ensure that Jesper would not forget the gravity of what he had gotten into. Kaz wouldn’t always be there to clean up his mistakes. Jesper needs to grow up and gain some accountability.

Kaz would usually shower around now but the last thing he wanted to do was leave the comfort of his room to face upset Jesper or disappointed Colm. He would shower tomorrow.

He moved himself to his desk and opened his laptop. The tabs for Bajan were still open, flicking through the information he had gathered Kaz felt his brain slowly begin to develop a plan.

Kaz stayed like that for the majority of the night. He finally glanced at the time.

4:25 am.

He thought about maybe getting a couple of hours of sleep. Still, his fingers found the keyboard again and he began typing ‘Inej Ghafa.’

This is weird, stop it.

But he didn’t.

Inej didn’t have social media but she was all over the internet. She was a dancer and her performances were uploaded on multiple YouTube accounts. He found pictures of her from other Facebook pages backstage and in group photos. He even found a picture of her and Nina together in what seemed like primary school. Although, as he scrolled down he found stranger websites. Inej had been involved in multiple police records of assault cases the majority of which were years ago. The deeper he went the worse it got.

Somehow he had found pictures of Inej’s beaten face and hospital records of her injuries, all of which were inflicted by students from her high school. But Inej had never won a court case, due to lack of evidence. About 3 years ago the records ceased but Kaz had a feeling that it wasn’t because she wasn’t being terrorised anymore.

He then found a post that made him lean back in disgust.

“Saw Inej leave the school with the student teacher in our dance class. Think he’s driving her home. Wonder what Inej is doing to make sure she gets the solo ;).”

There was a picture that followed it of a man seemingly in his early twenties with his hand placed on Inej’s lower back guiding her into his car.

This was posted the year before. The last year before Inej moved schools.

Jesper had informed Kaz about Inej’s bullying but this made Kaz wonder if there was something more to her abrupt unenrolment.

He wasn’t sure what to do with this information now, but he had sealed his fate. For the past few weeks, he had struggled to get the mysterious new Suli girl out of his head and with this new information it might as well be impossible.

It seems like the more he learned the less he knew, he was not sure why he was so concerned. She was certainly distracting him. Inej was making him irrational, something he never was. Suddenly he was glad it was the weekend.

Chapter Text

Chapter Nine: Nina

Oh Saints.

Nina thought miserably as she saw her mother pull up on Sunday afternoon to pick her up from nan’s house. With her new boyfriend. Great idea ma.

She slouched on the chair and prayed for the floor to open up and swallow her. At least she finally broke the news to this guy about Nina. Her mother's ball and chain. She glanced out the window again and spotted her mother grinning from ear to ear as her nan walked out to meet them. Nina refused to leave the living room. Anyway, she didn’t trust that her knees wouldn’t give out if she did.

She tapped her foot restlessly till the front door opened again and light chatter filled the hallway.

“Nina’s just in the living room darling,” her blessed nan said. “Just this way.”

Nina grimaced and turned to the archway where her mother peeked in and smiled brightly as she entered. Nina didn’t return the sentiment. Shortly after, a young man followed her. Nina felt bile rise in her throat. This man could not be over the age of twenty-five. He waved politely and she shut her eyes and rubbed her forehead in defeat. She wasn’t sure how many more of these ‘boyfriend introductions’ she could take.

“Honey, say hello to Conor,” her mother exclaimed. “I’ve been very excited to introduce you two.”

“Really?” Nina scoffed. “That’s a first, what’s different about this one?”

The room fell into an awkward silence and her mother's smile faltered. Nina cringed but held no regret. This one would come and go just like the rest of them.

“How about I give you a tour of the house Conor,” her grandma spoke up. “Show you the kitchen and such?”

“That would be great thanks,” Conor nodded, his smile strained.

They turned the corner and instantly Nina wished her nan hadn’t done that. Her mother's smile was wiped from her face.

“Nina, don’t be a brat,” she snapped.

“Stop lying to yourself ma. He’s just like the rest of them,” Nina sneered. “Except maybe a bit younger.”

Her mother was taken aback, her mouth gone slack. This argument usually occurred at least a couple of months into the failing relationship. But Nina didn’t have the patience to wait anymore.

“You apologise to me right now!” Her mother shouted.

“Quiet Ma, the Uni boy might hear you,” Nina spat. Her bitterness was reaching a boiling point and suddenly she could no longer be in the same room as her.

“I’m going to my room,” Nina muttered. “Get me when we’re going home.”

Her mother didn’t say anything, not even to ask her to stay.

Nina found the strength to walk up to her room before diving into her bed. Funnily enough, she didn’t cry. Maybe she had used all her tears the first two nights she’d stayed there. She laid on her back staring at the wall and listened to the awkward small talk coming from the living room downstairs.

Finally, boredom reached her and she rolled over to grab her phone.

Three messages from ‘Inej my beloved <3’

Nina opened them.

Friday 4:00 pm

Missed you at school today!

Friday 8:00 pm

NINA HELP! MAJOR SOS!!!!

Saturday 9:30 pm

Going to dance message me when you can call. Hope you’re okay!

Love you <3

Nina may or may not have been avoiding everybody for the time that she had been away. She felt guilty for not messaging back Inej, especially on Friday. She wondered what happened.

Saturday 3:30 pm

I’m so sorry babe I can’t call, text me if you need any help. Miss you too!

She exited Inej’s messages and saw that Imogen texted her too.

Friday 11:00 pm

We aren’t sitting with your little friend anymore. She’s an absolute bitch and we never liked her to begin with. On Monday you can sit with us or her idc either way. Tell her to count her fucking days.

Nina sat up. What the fuck?

What happened when she was gone? Why had everything blown up recently? The school year had only just started. She messaged Inej again.

Saturday 3:32

INEJ IMOGEN JUST TEXTED ME. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? CALL ME ASAP.

Nina felt horrible, Inej had texted her SOS and she had ghosted her completely. If Imogen messed with her in any way she would set the school on fire. Nina felt like an awful friend.

For the next half an hour, Nina checked her phone every five minutes for a response from Inej, while wallowing in self-pity. She heard a slight knock on the door and her nan poked her head through and gave her a kind smile.

Nina tried to smile back, but she only managed a depressing half-hearted grin.

“Oh my love,” her nan sighed and wrapped Nina in her arms.

Nina leaned into her comforting embrace. She felt safe and protected, as much as she didn’t like why she was sent away so often she loved her nan more than anything. This was what a mother's love should feel like.

“I don’t think I’m a good person,” Nina mumbled into her grandmother's arms.

Her Nan stilled before lifting Nina’s face to look at her. “Nina Zenik, don’t you ever utter those words ever again. Do you understand? You are the strongest, most understanding and gorgeous person I’ve ever had the fortune of meeting and I still can’t believe you came from this family.”

Nina bit back her tears now and she was hugged again, “For years the woman in this family has been distinguished, don’t lose that fire in you, Nina. You’re the best of us.”

They stayed like that for a while before her nan spoke again, “Your mother waiting in the car for you.”

“She couldn’t get me herself?” Nina half chuckled. Her nan had nothing but sympathy in her eyes.

“It’s okay,” Nina said standing up and combing her hair with her fingers. She grabbed her duffel bag and nodded goodbye to her, “Love you.”

“I love you too Nina,” her grandma smiled. “I hope for your sake you don’t see me all that soon. But I will miss you.”

Nina laughed wetly and nodded. She made her way downstairs to probably the most awkward car ride she had ever experienced.

“Nina!” Inej called out, Nina turned around seconds before the small girl wrapped her arms around her eagerly. “Where have you been?!” Inej exclaimed before breaking away from her and slapping her on the arm.

“Ouch! Relax Inej, I’m alive and breathing,” Nina laughed before linking her arm to Inej’s and making their way to the school. “More beautiful than ever of course.”

Inej scoffed, “So you missed days off school for a couple of spa days I must assume then?”

“You’d be right,” Nina nodded cordially. “I had to start the school year off perfect.”

“You went the first two days though.”

“Shut up.”

Inej laughed again. Nina felt all the tight knots in her stomach begin to ease, she had missed Inej dearly.

“Did your mum not drop you off today?” Inej inquired.

Nina stiffened, “She was… busy.”

Inej seemed to notice the shift in behaviour but she didn’t push. Nina was grateful. They continued arm in arm to school. Inej was also able to fill Nina in on what “SOS” actually meant.

“Did you and Bajan have to clean up the glass!?” Nina exclaimed. Inej nodded solemnly. “Ugh, what a fuckwit,” Nina scoffed.

Inej agreed absentmindedly.

“What’s wrong Inej?” Nina nudged her slightly. Inej looked up, “Mhm?”

“You don’t think he’s right do you?” Nina asked her.

Inej furrowed her brows, “I didn’t mention Jesper to Bajan, I was too nervous. But what if-”

“I’m stopping you right there. This is what Kaz wants, he’s getting in your head about this to make you worried,” Nina explained. “He knows you wouldn’t ask because if you did Bajan would show you that he's not a scammer or whatever.”

“So should I ask him?” Inej asked.

“No! Don’t give him the satisfaction of thinking you believed him and did what he said,” Nina cried. “Avoid him today. Even in homeroom, don’t talk to him. He’ll fuck off soon enough.”

Inej went quiet again and Nina cursed Kaz for getting in her head. Saints forbid he started asking her to do him ‘favours’.

When Nina became friends with Jesper, inevitably Nina had to associate with Kaz. Nina didn’t hate him in all honesty, but he could tick her off. It was like a knack of his. Nonetheless, she had been lured into a false sense of security because of their ‘banter’, and he asked her to mention to Imogen about a man named Pekka Rollins.

Nina stupidly thought that maybe Kaz wanted Nina to mention him to Imogen as a way to subtly hint he liked her. Again stupidly, because she thought he had a heart.

She asked Imogen about Pekka Rollins and Imogen just told her that she worked at The Emerald Prince on weekends. Nina also told Imogen that Kaz was asking about her.

So that day, Imogen approached Kaz. No one knows exactly what was said but Imogen ran off crying and Nina was kicked out of the group for a couple of weeks again.

She was also forced to sit with Kaz for those couple of weeks because they were her only other close friends. That was not a fun time.

The two girls finally arrived at school and Nina stopped reminiscing about her love-hate relationship with Kaz Brekker.

“Now we must part ways Inej,” Nina said dramatically, Inej chuckled. “In all seriousness though don’t let ‘you know who’ get in your head. Stay strong soldier,” Nina saluted.

“Alright captain,” Inej replied grinning and she saluted weakly.

“Who’s ‘you know who’?” Jesper asked. Nina jumped in surprise.

Lo and behold the devil himself was right behind Jesper, Nina narrowed her eyes at him. Kaz quirked a brow.

“You obviously,” Nina drawled to Jesper. “We were talking shit about you all morning.”

“Ah! Talking about me, of course,” Jesper laughed. “All the most interesting people are spoken about.”

“Maybe we were talking about how boring you are,” Inej teased. Nina stifled a laugh and Jesper looked mock offended.

“Well being boring isn’t the most interesting thing about me,” Jesper told her. “At least talk about my pretty face.”

“Your face is equally as boring as you,” Kaz uttered, Jesper threw his hands up.

“Is this gang up on Jesper day?!” he cried.

Nina and Inej laughed. Without meaning to, Nina glanced down the hallway making direct eye contact with Matthias. She almost waved but then remembered she was still mad at him. She stopped smiling.

“Right Inej! Time to go,” Nina dragged Inej away before she could protest and before Matthias could walk over.

“Keep talking about me girls!” Jesper shouted out to them. “Helps my ego!”

Nina flipped him off before turning into the girl's bathroom. She finally took another breath and let go of Inej.

“You can’t avoid him forever,” Inej spoke frankly, apparently she had seen Matthias too. She crossed her arms giving her a knowing look.

Nina had nothing to say back. She knew she was right. Maybe an odd, cruel part of her wanted Matthias to feel as humiliated and upset as Nina did on the rugby match night.

Weirdly, she cared about how he acted towards her now when a while ago she and Matthias loathed each other. Nina was unsure how exactly it started, but they were constantly clashing over everything. Maybe because they were opposites. Matthias came from a blue-collar family, and Nina lived with her single mother. Nina was loud and confident, and Matthias was reserved and cold.

Even down to the rugby teams they went for. They were rivals in every way, shape and form.

It was difficult because despite their differences they attracted the same people. After being forced into proximity of each other, slowly Matthias seemed to warm to her.

Then one day she needed a ride home from a party. She was absolutely off her face and thought she had texted Jesper. Waiting on the curb a car pulled up beside her and Matthias Helvar stepped out. She looked at him the whole way home, she couldn't help it. He looked like an angel, or maybe her knight in shining armour. His ears turned pink when he noticed but she didn't even have the heart to tease him.

She wasn't sure what changed in the air between them that night. But something had changed. Or so she thought.

“I’m just petty,” Nina admitted. “I want him to feel guilty.”

“I don’t blame you,” Inej comforted her. “But maybe it was a brief mistake, not intentionally to hurt you.”

Inej was probably right but Nina just found it much easier to loathe him than it was to be friends with him. Being something else with him meant that it would be easier to slip up and admit she had feelings for him.

“I still don’t like him either,” Inej confessed, crossing her arms. “Just because of what you told me about him. In my honest opinion, he should beg on his knees for forgiveness. But for my sake and yours, just talk to him.”

The second bell for homeroom rang and Nina perked up. Inej hugged her and went on her way.

Nina was partially grateful to have some distraction at school. Not that she particularly liked it, but it was better than dying at home.

Still, Nina was relieved when it was break time.

“Inej just let me talk to the girls first, alright?” Nina instructed her. “I’m sure I can convince them to-”

“I’m not sitting with them Nina,” Inej told her sharply.

“What?”

“I’m not sitting with them ever again. They are horrible and I can’t sit and listen to them. You shouldn’t either,” Inej expressed with pleading eyes. “They’ve been so mean to you Nina, I don’t know how you put up with it.”

Nina was speechless.

Inej stopped them both after walking through the doors of the dining hall. “Look, I’ve already moved seats. I’m sitting with Wylan, and I know he universally hated or something. But frankly I don’t care.”

“Wylan?… Van Eck?” Nina was bewildered.

“Yes, Nina. He’s nicer than all of those girls combined. I don’t blame you if you want to sit with them. I won’t hold it against you and I won't ask you to come sit with me,” Inej let go of Nina’s hands. “But I’m sitting with Wylan.”

With that, she turned away from Nina and began waving at the curly redhead in the corner of the room. He seemed just as surprised as Nina when Inej walked towards him.

Nina stood there dumbly. She had come to school with a whole apology and appeal to the girls so that they wouldn’t ditch Inej as they did with Nina.

It was ridiculous that she had to do that she realised. It was ridiculous that her so-called ‘friends’ made her feel this way. She remembered all the times she would be at home stressed about going to school because they had blocked her for no reason. She remembered the times she went home and sobbed about all the cruel things she had said about people she had never even spoken to before.

She glanced over at the girl's table. Imogen gestured to Inej and rolled her eyes before smirking. If Nina sat at that table they would all be talking about Inej. Nina made her choice.

Wylan choked on his sandwich as she sat down.

“Nice to meet you…properly,” Nina said to him. “I’m Nina Zenik.”

“I-I know” Wylan spoke between clearing his throat. “I’m Wylan.”

“I know,” Nina winked. Wylan looked embarrassed.

“As the principals son,” Wylan sighed. “Not the most flattering thing about me.”

“Well, I’m willing to know more about your better qualities,” Nina reassured him. She looked over and Inej who looked thrilled.

They talked throughout lunch. Nina found that Wylan was quite enjoyable company. He was pretty funny too which she never would have known or even tried to know if it weren’t for Inej. Nina felt that she almost needed to apologise for overlooking him. But she didn’t, maybe she would need to be a little tipsy and sentimental to do that.

The break ended and it took everything in Nina to not look around at Imogen. She could feel her stare burning the back of her neck and Nina felt a familiar stress emerge.

She felt a soft hand on her forearm and looked up and Inej’s kind eyes.

“Thank you, Nina,” Inej whispered. “You’re a good person.”

Inej had no idea how much that meant to her.

Chapter Text

Chapter ten: Inej

Stop stalling

All day, Inej had been sneaking glances at Kaz with her thoughts drifting to Bajan. She wasn’t sure why she felt so caught in between. Like she had to choose one or the other. In reality, she was barely involved. The truth was Kaz was a convincing person, but she knew Bajan. Even if Kaz was being honest would Inej be able to confront Bajan? Would she have to testify? Inej never wanted to see the police ever again. She didn’t have the best luck with them.

She had been consumed with these thoughts. Finally, it was the end of the day and Inej gathered her things and began walking to her usual exit. On her way home, however, she saw him.

Bajan was hanging with his friends near the corner shop beside the school. It was her chance. If she was going to ask, it had to be now.

She never usually spoke to Bajan outside of family things, not because they avoided each other, but because they rarely saw each other. Bajan was in University and Inej was still in high school.

Inej began walking towards him. He noticed her and waved. She smiled as genuinely as she could and gestured for him to walk over. His friends seemed to notice and he laughed at something before running over.

“Hey, Inej! What’s up?” Bajan said grinning easily. Inej felt a lump form in her throat.

“Yeah, I’m alright,” Inej leaned in and whispered. “Can we speak over there?”

Inej gestured to a table placed in front of the chicken shop next to them.

“Okay,” Bajan copied her secretive whisper and walked over with her. “So… what did you wanna ask?” He said hunching over the table.

Now or never.

“Do you…” Inej closed her eyes. “Know Jesper Fahey?”

She opened her eyes and he was looking at her strangely, “Jesper? From your year?”

She nodded. He ran his fingers through her hair. “Vaguely yeah…?” He told her.

His eye twitched. She felt her stomach drop. He was lying to her.

“Are you sure? Vaguely…” Inej asked. Tell me a stupid reason for knowing Jesper, tell me something true.

“Yeah, I mean I’ve heard of him,” Bajan rubbed the back of his neck. “Why’d you ask?”

Inej didn’t know what to say.

“If you need help Bajan,” Inej lowered her voice again. “You can always be truthful with me.”

Bajan stared at her, something passed through his eyes before he grinned again. “I’ll always need you Inej,” he joked. “Is that all?”

Inej fought a sigh, for a minute she thought he would be honest with her. Only then could she help him. But he instead he spat some boyish nonsense at her like he had done since they were kids.

Inej and Bajan had a long family history. But because they didn’t see each other all that often, they weren’t that close. She had gone to his house on Friday to get his mother's recipe for her ma. Honestly, that was the first time she had talked to him properly in about a year. But, Inej had still hoped that he might trust her enough to be honest.

She waved him off and he grabbed her hand bowing his head before he left running back to his mates. They were saying invasive and suggestive things to him, but he just continued to laugh it off. Inej took that as her cue to never approach Bajan with his friends again.

She sighed and began to walk the way she usually did.

“You only spoke to him today?”

Inej turned around oddly unsurprised that Kaz had appeared. She had a feeling that he had heard the conversation and was behind her as she walked. She realised she had nothing much to say to him. He was right, she was wrong. She shrugged tiredly.

“You were right,” she told him. “He’s up to something.”

He didn’t say anything. Inej felt irritated.

“I don’t know what else to say,” Inej sighed. “I can’t defend him or protect him if he isn’t being truthful to me. I don’t want you to hurt him but he needs to be held accountable.”

He still said nothing. Why speak to me if you have nothing to say?

She turned away from him.

“Help me then.”

Inej stopped before turning around expecting to see a sneering face ready to make fun of her. But he was serious.

“Help you?” She looked at him like he was crazy.

“Do you remember when you eavesdropped on me?” Kaz asked.

Inej sighed, “Well, yes. You won’t let me forget it.”

“You caught me off guard,” Kaz explained. “I’m never caught off guard.”

“You’re beginning to sound arrogant,” Inej told him frankly.

“Only now?”

Inej considered this. He was right.

“I want you to do me a favour,” Kaz told her. “Just one.”

Inej waited for him to continue.

“I want you to go through Bajan’s laptop for me,” Kaz said. Inej laughed. He didn’t.

“What!?” Inej cried. “He’s my family friend Kaz! He might be doing the wrong thing, but I know him a lot better than you. I just think he’s in trouble.”

“I do too,” Kaz explained. “After I talked with you, I tried to find out more about Bajan. I don’t think he’s a bad guy because I don’t believe this is his idea.”

Inej was speechless. “Do you think… someone’s forcing him to do this?” She felt fresh fear roll over her.

“I don’t think forcing,” Kaz admitted, he now had a strange look in his eye. “It doesn’t matter anyways, I need to know who he’s contacting.”

He stopped to look at her, “You are the only person who can find this out Inej. You know Bajan and beyond that, you are completely silent and unnoticeable when you need to be.”

Inej looked to the floor. She felt the gravity of what he was asking. What or who might she accidentally involve herself in? She was only in high school for Saints sake, but she felt like she was signing a death waiver. More than that, it was testing her morality of what she believed was right. Would this be betraying Bajan? Deceiving him and hurting him like this?

“You wouldn’t be betraying him,” Kaz told her, as if he read her mind. “You would be saving him. So, what is it Inej? Are you going to help?”

What would happen if she said yes? She knew that he couldn’t guarantee she wouldn’t get caught. His parents would immediately alert her own. Inej couldn’t handle her mothers disappointment or her fathers broken trust. But what was worse? Getting caught or doing nothing? Would she be a bystander like she vowed she never would? No, she needed to do something.

“I can help you,” Inej whispered in agreeance.

For the entire week, Inej could hardly believe what she had agreed to.

Mostly because nothing had happened since.

After talking to Kaz, he seemed to disappear into his world leaving Inej behind. He had informed her that he would contact her when she was needed. Also, that she would be compensated. Inej had no idea that she would be paid for this or where exactly he was getting this money from, but she nodded along. She feared that if she didn’t, Kaz would realise that she was willing to risk things without a price and that vulnerability was unideal.

Then it was radio silence, not a word. In homeroom, they sat listening to Jesper talk throughout class. Sometimes when Mr. J was speaking she would sneak a glance at him but he never looked back.

Finally, it was the weekend and Inej began to believe that the ordeal was a realistic fever dream and didn’t actually occur. Now, she was on her way to her weekly ballet practice, glad for the distraction. The whole week Kaz had been on her mind, she needed a break.

Despite her desire for a distraction, the practice went horribly. Inej couldn’t concentrate, she couldn’t complete her turns properly and humiliatingly she had missed the cue for her solo. Her instructor noticed her runaway thoughts and took her outside to speak with her. Despite Inej pleading she was fine, her instructor ordered her to take a minute break.

Inej sat in her humiliation quietly and after what felt like eternity the dance room began emptying. The girls shot her pity smiles and shy waves and Inej wanted the building to implode. She wasn’t exactly friends with any of them, despite her spending a vast amount of time in the studio. She just couldn’t fit in. Everywhere she went it seemed.

“Inej, stand up,” her instructor commanded. Inej stood in an instant regaining her impeccable posture, praying that she would take mercy.

“Get your things, child,” she told her. “Empty that mind of yours and come to the next practice entirely focused on dance.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Inej nodded and scurried inside to grab her things and change.

She defeatedly walked out of the studio just as it began to rain. Inej always walked home after practice. Rain, shine, even hail she always walked. She and her parents lived with her aunt, uncle and cousins due to financial strife, all of whom share a singular car. So, Inej pretty much walked everywhere.

She lifted her second jacket over her head in an attempt to see. However, the rain seemed to be getting worse. She took shelter underneath the roof of a closed store. Inej stood there for a moment trying to think of a new plan, she glanced around.

A car suddenly pulled up on the road and Inej stiffened, her stomach in knots. She slung her bag over her back preparing to run if she needed. The car window rolled down and Jesper’s smiling face greeted her from the passenger seat.

She made a face, “Jesper?! I thought I was being kidnapped.”

“I told you she’d think that,” another deep voice said from the back, Matthias tilted his head over.

Inej stood bewildered, still undercover. Why did they pull over? For a chat?

“Shitty weather innit?” Jesper acknowledged.

“Shut up Jesper,” Kaz’s voice said from the driver's seat. “Get in Inej. It’s raining.”

Inej shook her head quickly, “Oh! No thanks, I don’t need a ride.”

“You do,” Kaz rebutted. Inej dug her nails into her palms.

“I’m okay. I usually walk home,” Inej stepped out into the rain again and fought a shiver. “Thanks for the offer though!”

She shuffled down the street, cursing herself for not taking the ride. But the situation felt eerily similar to something else. However, she only got a couple steps because his car pulled up right next to her again. Kaz was leant over the backseat and opened the door.

“C’mon Inej,” Jesper cried. “We aren’t kidnappers, you’ve met us!”

Inej hesitated before climbing into the backseat next to Matthias who smiled warmly. Inej bit back any negative words she had towards him for Nina and gave a small wave back.

“Just heads up, announcing you aren’t kidnappers because I know you is more terrifying than reassuring,” she told Jesper.

He chuckled and Inej looked up catching the gaze of Kaz. She forgot what it felt like to be seen by him, he hadn’t looked at her for almost a week. She played with her fingers again. What was she thinking? Getting in a car with all three of them? To drive her home? She didn’t particularly want them to know where she lived. Also, the agreement she and Kaz made was looming over her head.

“So, where to?” Jesper asked drumming on the seat.

They all looked at her expectantly. Inej looked away from them awkwardly, “Uh, 13 Cavarn Lane.”

It was silent for a second so Inej spoke up again, “I know it’s probably out of the way, honestly I’ll walk-”

“I’ll drop you off after these dickheads,” Kaz replied turning back to face the wheel.

“Jesper and I have rugby practice that’s all,” Matthias explained. “Don’t worry about it Inej.”

“Oh? I didn’t know Jesper did rugby,” Inej raised her brows.

Before Jesper could jump in and respond Matthias spoke again, “School rugby. He doesn’t play club, it's a bit more intense.”

This seemed to offend Jesper and they began arguing, Inej watched amusedly. Her eyes flickered up to the review mirror where she saw Kaz was watching her again, but he looked away the minute she noticed.

Inej began to realise that after Matthias and Jesper were dropped off she would be in the car alone with Kaz. She started to regret giving in and getting the ride.

She attempted to distract herself again by asking Matthias countless boring questions about rugby that he happily answered. Inej needed to stop trying to distract herself, it clearly wasn’t working.

Finally, they arrived at Ketterdam College, Matthias and Jesper bid their goodbyes and jumped out of the car. Jesper’s departure was a bit more dramatic.

“Farewell, my friends I-” Kaz slammed the door before he could finish. Inej let out a short laugh.

It was just the two of them now. Inej shuffled in her seat.

“Do you want to keep sitting in the back like a taxi?” Kaz asked. “Or do you want to sit in the passenger seat?”

“Yeah, alright,” Inej muttered, she climbed out of the car to switch seats. Saints help me.

Once she put her seatbelt on he drove off. “Do you need the directions?” Inej asked.

“No.”

Inej tried not to roll her eyes. She shifted her eyes over to his hands, they were gripping the steering wheel harshly. If it was anyone other than Kaz, she’d say he might be nervous.

They sat in silence for a little while. Inej found that she didn’t mind all that much, his silence wasn’t sharp and painful like she had spent a lot of her life living in. It was just a nice quiet, like she didn’t have to break it if she didn’t want to. She could’ve ridden the whole way home in it, but Kaz broke it eventually.

“It needs to be this weekend.”

Inej perked up slightly. Firstly, she was relieved that the conversation really did happen, then she felt her nerves heighten.

“Only one favour?” was all she asked. Silence enveloped them again, she could tell Kaz was figuring out how to word this.

“Most likely,” Kaz stated.

Inej sucked in a breath. Breaking into Bajan’s laptop and going through his things was a total invasion of privacy. Inej felt a bit sick. Maybe she should just ask her parents to check up on him instead. Maybe there was no need to go this far.

But she remembered what passed through Bajan’s eyes when she asked if he was alright. She realised it was fear. She didn’t know what he was scared of, but she wanted to help him get out of it. After she did this, no more favours. Kaz could do his own dirty work.

She wondered what favour was worse, Inej’s or Nina’s ‘Imogen situation’.

“Okay,” she said her voice dangerously quiet.

“We’ll meet after, maybe next week,” Kaz told her.

She nodded again and realised that he probably couldn’t see her, “Okay, I can get it done.”

“You might get caught, you understand this?” Kaz asked. “You could get in serious trouble.”

Inej was surprised by this, his bluntness was oddly comforting. She always preferred brutal honesty over lies. She had been lied to many times before. They didn’t do anyone any good.

The school will properly punish those girls don’t you worry Inej.

We believe you Inej, your statement has been put through.

The girls are truly remorseful we can’t do much more than detention, I’m sorry Inej.

Inej trust me those kids will grow out of their cruelty, they’ll leave you alone soon enough.

I’ll drive you straight home, Inej.

Stop worrying, this is a different way to your house.

“I understand.”

Chapter Text

Chapter eleven: Matthias

What is his problem?

Matthias had previously watched Jesper practically run laps around the team and now he had stopped to lay in the middle of the pitch. He was possibly the most aggravating teammate to ever exist. After Matthias became captain, he could not control Jesper for the life of him.

“Oi, get up!” Matthias shouted out to him. “Training isn’t over yet!”

Jesper dramatically rolled onto his stomach and lifted himself in one swift movement. Matthias ran over and refrained himself from pushing Jesper back onto the floor.

“Jesper, you can’t just take breaks whenever you want. That’s not how training works.”

“What? It’s not like the coach is even watching,” Jesper gestured to their useless excuse of a coach, who was currently dosing off on the side-lines. Matthias sighed and rubbed the back of his head.

“Coach Lanstov put his trust in me, as captain, to lead the team in training,” Matthias explained. “I intend to do that.”

Jesper laughed, “He told you to lead the training because he can’t be fucked.”

“He’s a forced volunteer of course he’s not exactly passionate,” Matthias winced. “But I still take the responsibility.”

Honestly, Matthias didn’t really want to play for the school in the beginning. The school asked him to play for the Ketterdam college team and after a heavy and long discussion with his father and Brum they decided that it would be good practice. After just a couple years, Matthias was already captain.

It was a lot different to the club rugby he played. Everyone there was driven and took every criticism and loss like a shot to the shoulder. But at school? People would lay on the pitch in the middle of practice. Like Jesper.

“He’s just lazy,” Jesper announced slinging his arm around Matthias. “Trust me, I gotta love him. But he truly does not give a shit if we win or lose.”

Matthias shoved him away, “That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.”

“You’ve been trying to get us to try for years Matthias,” Jesper sighed and jogged away.

It was truly because Matthias liked the team at school. They might not be talented or even passionate but brought the fun back into the game. He appreciated this, it had reminded him of why he loved the sport so much and why he started playing. It brought back his motivation and his will to succeed. He just wished they realised the potential they had. Matthias could see what they couldn’t, that they could win if they just tried. But no matter what he did to organise and inspire them, they were a dysfunctional group.

After another couple minutes he announced the end of the training, because his teammates wouldn’t stop whining about Matthias going over time. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he turned around to see Coach Lantsov rubbing his eyes with a lazy grin.

“You guys looked great out there,” he winked.

“Where? In your dreams?” Jesper snorted as he walked past the two.

“Watch it or I’ll bench you Fahey!” Lanstov pointed a finger at Jesper before turning back to Matthias.

Matthias shrugged his hand off his shoulder and picked up his bag, “Honestly coach we don’t look great out there.”

“Well that’s okay, no one’s paid to be here,” Lantsov said before muttering. “Including me.”

Matthias ignored this, “I just wished they would try once in a while. I think they really wouldn’t be that bad.”

Coach Lantsoz sighed, “Look Helvar, these boys aren’t in it for the game. They’re in it for fun or they needed an extracurricular. I’m sure there are some decently talented kids in here, but this isn’t club rugby. They don’t have to put in the work if they don’t want to.”

“Don’t you think it’s sort of pathetic no one comes to our games?” Matthias asked.

“Of course I do, but I think it would be worse if they actually watched us,” Lantsov admitted. He gave Matthias and sympathetic grin, “Go clean up. You’ve done enough.”

Matthias sighed and watched Coach Lantsov begin to pick up the equipment. By the time he made it to the locker, the majority of them were ready to leave. Most of them were complaining about how Matthias had forced them to keep training for so long and how much of a drag it was that training was on the weekend. Matthias didn’t say a word and pushed through to his locker. They hushed but he ignored them and snatched his bag ready to walk out.

“Hey, captain?” one of the boys said. “Aren’t you gonna do that debrief thing or whatever?”

Matthias was slightly surprised and glanced around the room, they were all looking at him.

“Nah, don’t worry about it,” Matthias waved them off. “Get to your weekend plans. I’ll see you boys.”

With that, he walked out swiftly, attempting to cross the oval as soon as possible. Jesper followed after him.

“What the hell was that?” Jesper shrieked. Matthias shot him a look.

“What did you want me to say, Jesper? The whole time in there they were talking about how much they wanted to go home. You included!” Matthias exclaimed.

“Well because I did! After you give us that famous Helvar motivational speech,” Jesper says. “How dare you take that away from me!”

“Bugger off Jesper,” Matthias uttered and pushed Jesper away, charging for his father's car. Jesper waved manically at him before running off in another direction.

Matthias slung his bag off and climbed into his father's passenger seat. “How was training?” He asked.

Matthias shrugged, “Good, I guess? Not that productive.”

“You did your stretch routine before?” His fathers demanded turning onto the road. Matthias nodded.

That was another reason Matthias liked to play for the college so much, the school did not permit parents to watch training. It was like a breath of fresh air compared to the club. His father would sit and watch him for hours during his training, sometimes even filming him to show him what he had done wrong. He did not have that luxury here. Hence, why he demanded to know everything that occurred since he dropped Matthias off.

In the beginning, his father tried to sneak into the sessions even going as far as to hide in his car. Each time, Coach Lantsov would instruct him to go away asking, “Don’t you have anything better to do?”

The boys had picked on him a bit, naturally. Then it grew into a concern, that was worse. The boys at the club were beyond used to it, they expected it. It was just the way it was.

“Matthias, your ma needs groceries for the week,” his father announced. “We’re stopping on the way home.”

Matthias sighed but agreed. It’s not like he had much else planned for that day. Even on weekends, when there were gaps in Matthias' suffocating schedule, he found that he really didn’t have many people to hang out with. The people in his rugby club were too old, the people at school were hard to get along with. Jesper and Kaz were busy most days. Come to think of it Matthias didn’t have many close friends at all.

His father pulled into the grocery store and gave Matthias his wallet. “I need to make a work call, use this list,” his father told him, handing over a small folded paper.

Great. His father began dialling a number and Matthias took this as his cue to leave.

He was originally irritated by this unexpected outing, however, Matthias realised that he didn’t mind shopping. It was peaceful and fulfilling, two things he liked most. He scanned the aisle looking at things that weren’t even on the list. Matthias didn’t even know they put Mango slices in a jar.

“Matthias?” an angelic voice said.

“Oh… hi Nina,” Matthias said awkwardly. His face flushed slightly, he hoped she didn’t notice him squinting at the Mango jars. “What are you doing here?”

“Probably the same as you… I hope,” Nina flashed and cheeky grin. She definitely noticed.

“Alone?”

“Nah, my ma’s in the freezer aisle. It’s too cold over there so I’m just browsing,” Nina stated looking around. She began shuffling a little closer to him. Matthias tried not to notice.

“I like the freezer aisle,” Matthias blurted out feeling like an idiot. She only moved closer to hear you better stop getting so flustered.

Nina’s grin widened. She suddenly snatched the grocery list out of Matthias' basket and opened it. “Well, quite a list here. This all for you?”

“It’s my ma’s list, for my family,” Matthias grumbled. He didn’t bother trying to grab the paper back.

Nina straightened up, “Well then! I’ve been looking for a task. Let’s get you sorted, Helvar.”

She marched off towards the end of the aisle, and Matthias begrudgingly followed.

Matthias was convinced that shopping with Nina would be a nightmare but surprisingly it was rather productive. Nina was very efficient and she somehow knew where everything was. When Matthias would get distracted with random products, she would snap his attention back and when Nina picked a more expensive version of an item, Matthias replaced it. They balanced each other out.

It was also nice to hang out with someone his age at a place not related to school or rugby. Although, he supposed the grocery store was not a popular meeting spot either. Nonetheless, Matthias was glad. Maybe it was his company too. Nina got him laughing at labels for Djel's sake. For a brief moment, Matthias wondered if they looked like a couple shopping. Then he felt embarrassed.

Nina stayed with him till they reached the register, then her mother ushered her over. After getting out he saw his father had left the car and was storming over to the store.

“Matthias?! What took you so long?” He hissed. Matthias shrugged and his father rolled his eyes. “Come on then.”

“Bye Matthias!” Nina’s voice rang out, Matthias turned his head and spotted Nina waving next to her Ma.

Oh Djel. Matthias was screwed now. If he didn’t wave back at Nina she would go back to ignoring and running away from him. But if he did? His father would be furious at him. He contemplated his decision. His father would be incredibly angry if he knew Matthias ignored his advice, but he couldn’t handle Nina being upset again.

Then a miracle struck.

Matthias walked into a sign. He hit his face rather painfully and he stumbled back clutching it.

“Matthias? Did you hurt yourself?” His father cried. He began scanning his body profusely for injuries.

While his father was distracted he looked around again and spotted Nina bent over in laughter. Matthias split into a grin and waved. Nina, through her laughs, waved again.

“Do you think you have a concussion?” His father's voice broke him from his temporary bliss.

“No Da, I can play tomorrow. Don’t worry,” Matthias reassured.

His father was muttering about how he should be more careful as they began to walk back to the car.

Once they climbed into the car, Matthias was required to call Brum and tell him exactly what they did at school training that day.

It was Monday morning and Matthias had gotten to school early to do some laps around the field. He finally got the chance to drive himself that day and despite his mother's protest, he left at the crack of dawn.

“You need sleep darling. With rugby and school you need your energy,” she’d told him.

Matthias couldn’t sleep. Embarrassingly, as of late his dreams had been filled with Nina. Since she ignored him in the hallway he had been thinking about her. But now? She followed him into his dreams. The trip to the grocery store didn’t help either.

He knew that she deserved better than him. She deserved a boy who could give her all his attention and time, a boy whose family would accept her.

“That family is white trash son.”

Matthias’s father had told him to stay away from the Zenik family, that the women in that family were crazy. He would rant on and on about how horrible they were. Matthias was young when he heard this and believed every word. His father's opinion dictated every interaction he had with Nina and none of their interactions were pleasant.

But as time passed Matthias didn’t see anything crazy about her and as more time passed he began to see the good in her. Even the flaws that he once despised and held against her, he grew to appreciate. But as this realisation hit so did an enormous amount of guilt. He could barely face her for a year.

Now? Matthias had gone too far. He didn’t just tolerate her, he liked her. A lot. But they couldn’t be together. It wasn’t right. But Matthias couldn’t ignore her. He tried that and it was terrible. He wasn’t sure what to do now, but he knew one thing. This run was not helping.

He slowed down and began doing a cool-down lap. He held his hands over his head and took large gulps of the fresh morning air.

He made his way to the stands and gathered his things. Looking over his shoulder, he spotted two figures walking through the front gates. Matthias was surprised, no one came this early. Well except…

Of course it was Kaz. But who was the other one? They were small, Matthias could barely see them. Another little demon Kaz recruited?

He slung his sweat towel over his shoulders and squinted. He swore the person had long black hair. Surely Kaz wasn’t with a girl? He laughed at himself and went to the shower.

It was only after Matthias buttoned his top after his shower did he realised that the long black hair belonged to Inej Ghafa. The new girl that seemed to have a mysterious past and whom Nina adored. Matthias had no idea what to do with this information.

Did Nina know? Did Jesper know? Did anyone know? Matthias didn’t know what to do. Kaz would rip out his eye if he mentioned it in front of Jesper.

They weren’t interested in each other, were they? He couldn’t imagine Kaz falling for anyone, even a sweet girl like Inej.

So then what were they doing?

Chapter Text

Chapter twelve: Kaz

If he turns to look at me one more time…

Kaz rolled his eyes skywards as Matthias spun around again during the compulsory assembly that forced everyone to gather in the auditorium. A teacher was blabbering on about their uniforms or something.

He wasn’t stupid. Kaz was fully aware that sometimes Matthias woke up early to do laps around the rugby oval at school. In turn, he was aware that Matthias had seen Kaz walk into school with Inej a couple days ago before rushing into the showers as if he hadn’t spotted them. He was also unfortunately aware that Matthias had come to his conclusion about what this meant.

Kaz couldn’t tell him the real reason why he walked in with Inej. She had successfully searched through Bajan’s computer and found some usernames that Kaz planned to finally look into tonight. He didn’t have Inej’s number so he couldn’t have messaged her about this. Kaz happened to notice that Inej and Nina walked to school some days and he spotted her walking by herself early that morning. So he walked with her as she told him this. He also failed to get her number again.

So he was forced to ignore the strange stares that Matthias had given him for the last few days.

“Now it is time for a brief performance by our talented musical students,” Alys said gesturing to a small group of kids beside the stage. As they began their performance, each student was off-tune in their own way. Kaz felt his energy drain a little.

Amongst the small sea of kids, Kaz spotted Wylan Van Eck. He looked extremely embarrassed to be there. Kaz had seen the day that Inej left Imogen’s table at lunch to sit with him. He was impressed and deeply pleased to see Imogen’s face slacken in shock and anger. It amused him greatly.

He looked over now at Inej diagonally in front of him. After the musical students finally stopped blistering everyone’s eardrums, Inej applauded enthusiastically before settling back in her seat. He had to admit Wylan was probably the saving grace of that ‘performance’.

As he looked away and locked eyes with Matthias, who now had his eyebrow raised. Kaz cursed himself. Matthias would have yet another reason to believe he was interested in Inej after he had seen him looking at her. He narrowed his eyes at him and Matthias turned away.

Luckily, the assembly finished soon after and students began emptying out slowly. Kaz waited for the majority of students to leave the stands before he left to avoid the crowd. Inej seemed to have done the same. Unfortunately, Oomen did too.

“Well, yet another stellar performance from your boyfriend, huh Inej?” Oomen laughed.

“Year eight’s aren’t exactly in my age range Oomen,” Inej rebutted, though he was referencing Wylan. Kaz wasn’t the only one who saw Inej leave Imogen's table.

Kaz fought an amused smile, Oomen seemed to be unable to take a hint and laughed too. Before he could say another word, Kaz stuck his foot out in front of Oomen. He stumbled and completely lost his balance.

It was truly glorious seeing Oomen begin to launch into the air like a rocket and continue to tumble down the stairs at record speed. He rolled at least five times before he reached the bottom. His face slapped harshly against the ground and rolled once more on the carpeted floor. He clutched his side wincing in pain. But to Kaz’s dismay, he got up.

Everyone around him gasped and some even screamed. Alys began running over to assist him. Oomen looked up and pointed at Kaz.

“You!” He screeched. “He just tried to kill me!”

Alys tried to calm him as Ms Nazalensky appeared beside Kaz. “Brekker! Tell me you didn’t just trip Oomen! He could’ve been serious-”

“He didn’t Ma’am,” Inej spoke softly. “Oomen’s foot was caught on the side of the railing, I saw.”

Zoya fell silent and glanced between the two. She seemed to have recognised Inej from the break time incident.

“Miss Ghafa, don’t try to protect him,” Zoya told her harshly. “The consequences will be severe.”

Kaz watched as Inej shook her head definitively, “With all due respect Ms Nazalensky, I know what I saw.”

Zoya’s face remained hard but she bit her lip. “Did anyone else see anything?” She shouted out to the frozen crowd. They all shook their heads.

She turned back to Kaz, “You’re lucky Brekker, don’t do anything like this again.”

Kaz furrowed his brows innocently, “But Ma’am I haven’t done anything.”

“Mhm,” Zoya hummed scanning him. She turned on her heel and stormed down the stairs, seemingly instructing Alys to take Oomen to first aid.

With that, the crowd continued to move. Whispering and chattering filtered through the crowd. Kaz could hear his name exit the mouths of almost all of them.

“I know you did it,” Inej whispered so quietly Kaz barely heard it. They looked at each other and an understanding seemed to pass between them.

“You shouldn’t do that again,” Inej stated. She did not seem overly happy about covering for him.

But then why did she do it? Kaz never asked her to?

The two walked down the stairs in silence and Inej darted away from him the minute they left the auditorium. Kaz let her go.

He felt Matthias' presence before he said a word. “Kaz, I saw you and-”

“Ha! Kaz that was brilliant, did you do it!?” Jesper exclaimed bounding over. “Everyone’s saying you did!”

For once Kaz was almost grateful for Jesper shouting in his face. Almost.

“I did no such thing, Jesper,” Kaz hissed while tilting his head towards glaring Zoya. Jesper cringed and bared his teeth into an awkward smile at her. She locked her jaw and turned away.

“My bad,” Jesper said sucking in a breath. Kaz shook his head and walked past both of them.

Jesper was right about one thing, everyone was talking about it. For the next few lessons, elected people from friend groups had come up to them to ask him. Each time he denied the claims, but everyone made the same knowing face as if Kaz had personally let them in on a secret. It irritated him.

Not that people believed he did it. But that people deluded themselves into thinking that this was an admirable job from Kaz.

He was aware that Oomen was not well-liked at the school. Not to say that he didn’t have friends or hold any power. But he was just a dick. People had been plotting on him for years, all the boys he pissed off and the girls he had harassed. He had never been reprimanded because his family was in close relation to Mr. Van Eck himself. Nepotism at it’s finest. But, in a complete split-second decision, he almost snapped Oomens neck by tripping him and now he was a hero. This was the opposite reaction that he wanted.

The only person who truly knew what happened wouldn’t look at him anymore. Was she angry at him? Or was she scared of him? Was she scared of what he could do?

That’s the reaction he wanted the rest of the school, fear. So they would leave him alone. But why did Inej being scared bother Kaz so much?

She should be scared. She should keep her distance.

It was safe to say that Kaz’s mood by the time lunch rolled around was horrible and bitter. Even Jesper didn’t joke about his stormy expression, which meant Kaz looked close to villianous.

“Me and Nina hung out this weekend,” Matthias told them. Jesper nearly jumped out of his seat.

“Matthias the man!” Jesper cheered. “Who asked who out.”

Matthias scratched the back of his head, “Actually it was more like we happened to see each other at the grocery store. Then we did some shopping within that store.”

Jespers face deadpanned, “Are you serious.”

Matthias shrugged sheepishly. Jesper covered his face in his hands, “Saints save the both of you.”

As Kaz raised his head and spotted Nina, Inej and Wylan. They walked into the dining hall side by side. Inej was smiling at Wylan and seemed to be congratulating him. Suddenly Nina looked over at the table. But she wasn’t looking at Kaz. She was looking at the large blonde Fjerdan sitting next to him. Kaz rolled his eyes.

Nina said something to the others and began walking towards the table.

“Guess you two reconciled your differences while bonding over condiments,” Kaz uttered to Matthias. He swatted Kaz in an attempt to quiet him as the three walked over.

Nina walked over plastering a grin on her face and her hands on her hips.

“Hello you three,” she said before turning to Matthias. “I see you followed my advice with the pesto?”

“Fucking hell I was joking,” Kaz muttered feeling slightly nauseated. Jesper stifled a laugh.

Matthias shot them a silencing look. “Yeah, should’ve known to trust your taste buds,” he said.

Behind Nina, Inej and Wylan stood awkwardly. They both side-eyed each other and Inej sighed deeply. It was very clear that they were not enjoying this either.

“Stellar flute playing Wylan,” Jesper announced cutting into the conversation. Wylan flushed bright red.

“Shut up Jesper,” Nina hissed.

“What? I thought it wasn’t bad either,” Matthias added, looking around seemingly clueless.

Wylan still said nothing and for a moment Kaz considered that he might be nonverbal or possibly deaf. Kaz had never actually heard Wylan speak, he had been in a few classes with him and he was always silent. He also never seemed to read the assigned work, not in class anyway.

Wylan began muttering something, seemingly annoyed but far too quiet for anyone to hear.

“It was compulsory for music students,” Inej cut in for him. “He didn’t want to do it.”

Jesper opened his mouth again. “No it wasn’t a humiliation ritual Jesper,” Inej sighed.

“I wasn’t going to say that!” Jesper protested. “I was going to say…”

Inej raised a brow and Nina crossed her arms. Kaz felt Jesper shift beside him.

“I was going to say… why don’t you three have a seat at our table today!” Jesper exclaimed gesturing to the free seats. It was a lame excuse but the three glanced at each other before complying.

Nina took her seat next to Matthias sitting as close as the bench let her. Inej took her seat next to Kaz. He tried not to take notice of this but he felt an odd satisfaction like she had specifically chosen this chair because of him. In reality, there was only a little space left on the round table. Wylan sat timidly close to her.

Inej still hadn’t looked at him.

Jesper began yapping on about whatever minuscule thing he had done that day and the stiffness seemed to have melted. All except Wylan conversed with a familiar ease. Inej still hadn’t looked at him.

When the bell finally rang for the end of the break they all stood from their table and began going their separate ways. Kaz had his science class in the laboratory but for some reason, he began going down towards the lockers behind Inej. She still hadn’t looked at him.

“Inej” Kaz called out. Inej swung around and finally, her eyes met his. She was looking at him. He walked to be within talking distance of her.

“Come to the Fahey house after school,” Kaz told her.

What was he saying? This is ridiculous he never brought people over. The only person who had been inside his house was Matthias, who Jesper invited not even Kaz. This seemed to take Inej by surprise too. He didn’t blame her, really they had only known each other just under a month.

“Oh? Sur-” Inej had begun to reply.

“For Bajan,” Kaz cut her off. “Obviously.”

Inej shut her mouth quickly, her once surprised and endeared face twisted into something more neutral and reserved. Kaz knew he had messed up. It was true he wanted to talk to Inej and he needed her to find the usernames she collected. But was that really why he invited her over?

Nevertheless, she seemed to take this in her stride and nodded dutifully.

“I’ll need your address…” Inej inquired but she seemed cautious like Kaz would snap at her because she asked. This was a fair assumption, he had just snapped at her.

“I’ll drive you,” Kaz informed her promptly. “Meet in the car park after the second bell.”

With that, he turned back around and headed to his class. But he walked with a twisted feeling. He wasn’t sure if it was because he had asked Inej to his house or because she was willing to go even before he said it was for business. Or maybe it was her face after he told her, as if he had struck her awake.

No matter what it was, his irritability had not simmered. It had worsened.

Kaz waited leaning on his car before the second bell rang. He massaged his leg unconsciously despite it not bothering him at all. That might have been the only successful thing about that day. He checked his watch, three seconds till the second bell rang and he glanced around. No sign of her. He fought a groan.

The second bell rang and he was ready to get into his car and drive off before he felt someone walk up behind him. He knew it was Inej.

It was incredible even in the sunlight he couldn’t see her shadow, he couldn’t smell a perfume, he couldn’t even hear her breathing. Yet there she was like a ghost behind him, right on time. At first, when he found Inej spying on him he had been frustrated and slightly humiliated, thinking it was his lapse of awareness. But as he spent more time with Inej he realised that it wasn’t his lack of skills it was her natural talent. He had never seen anything like it.

“Right on time,” Kaz noted before brushing past her to his car door.

“You said the second bell,” Inej told him. “No more, no less.”

Kaz gestured to the passenger door before climbing into the driver's seat. This felt eerily similar to not long ago after spontaneously forcing Inej to get a lift with him.

And now? Now he had spontaneously invited Inej to his house. What was happening? Kaz was never spontaneous. Everything of general importance was meticulously planned out. He took a peek over at her as she got in. She settled into the seat with her bag on her lap like she thought he would have an issue with her putting it on the floor.

He looked away as she caught his eye. He glanced around and sighed.

“If only Jesper had that punctuality,” Kaz leaned his head back on the headrest closing his eyes.

“I’m sure he was planning on getting here on time,” Inej offered. “Just got distracted about five times along the way.”

Kaz smirked amusedly. He opened his eyes and looked over at Inej who was looking at him curiously. She tore her eyes away.

“I’ll have to alert Jesper that you are spreading rumours about him,” Kaz teased. Inej scoffed focusing back on Kaz with a slight smile.

“I don’t spread rumours,” Inej said defiantly. “It’s a breach of privacy.”

“Like going through someone’s laptop?” Kaz said and raised a quizzical brow.

Inej’s face soured and she suddenly became very quiet. She looked back through the window and tightened her grip on her bag. “That was cruel,” was all she said.

Was it cruel? It was the truth, wasn’t it? Kaz opened his mouth to speak not entirely sure what would come out before Inej’s door swung open.

“Tiny girl!? What are you doing in my seat?” Jesper yelped from his bent-over position sending Kaz a puzzled look.

“Sit in the back dickhead,” Kaz grumbled before straightening up and starting the engine.

Despite Jesper's late arrival he seemed to have saved this car ride of destruction. Jesper's timing was accidentally incredible yet again. The whole way home he conversed easily and steadily, slowly Inej began to loosen up again. Kaz didn’t regret what he said but he certainly didn’t like seeing the look in her eyes as he said it.

Finally, they pulled up to the Fahey house and Jesper was buzzing with excitement. “Da will love to see you again!” Jesper told Inej and dragged her inside. Inej shot him an alarmed look that Kaz responded with a shrug.

Kaz followed them inside shortly after them and spotted them in the kitchen, Jesper had hoisted himself on the island. Colm seemed to be asking Inej something before he looked over and spotted Kaz lingering in the hallway.

“Kaz, come on,” Colm waved him over. Kaz followed his lead.

“Inej was just telling me she settled right in at Ketterdam college now,” Colm said. Inej nodded with a genuine smile plastered on her face. “I hope these boys are treating you right now,” Colm grinned nudging her slightly.

“Don’t worry, they are,” Inej laughed. “Mostly.”

She seemed to have directed that second part towards Kaz.

“Ah yes, the gravy incident,” Jesper sighed. Colm rubbed the bridge of his nose and began to open his mouth to say something.

“Don’t apologise again, Mr. Fahey,” Inej reassured. “It really wasn’t a big deal. My parents are… paranoid.”

Colm nodded knowingly. He did not push the subject.

“Well, I’ll let you kids go,” he announced. “Jesper, Inej you want some snacks for the room?”

“Actually, Mr. Fahey, Kaz and I are here to.. er study,” Inej told him.

Colm didn’t even attempt to hide his surprise, his eyebrows shot up and Kaz was pretty sure his moustache began to quiver. His eyes were like moons and he began to glance rapidly between the two. Kaz rolled his eyes.

He cleared his throat concisely and gestured to Kaz, “he invited… you over?”

Inej nodded.

Colm’s face twisted from absolute shock and confusion into a mischievous knowing look that Kaz didn’t like at all. His mouth moved into a smirk and his eyes narrowed onto Kaz. Here we go.

“Well then, Kaz and Inej,” he smiled. “You two have fun.”

Inej either didn’t notice Colm’s change in demeanour or didn’t comment on it. She thanked him and turned to Kaz. He was grateful she didn’t mention it, she knew she was here for business.

Kaz motioned to the hallway before shooting a deadly look at Colm and Jesper who had begun whispering amongst themselves. Jesper shot him a wink. She’s here because of your poor decision idiot.

“Sorry about Colm,” Kaz muttered. “He’s obsessed when new people come around.”

Inej chuckled slightly, “It’s okay, he’s sweet.”

Kaz paused before opening his room door with the realisation that only three people had been in there Kaz, Jesper and Colm. Not that his room was dirty, he considered it extremely well-kept. It was just… personal. He had known Inej for mere weeks and she was going to be the fourth person in here?

But he opened the door anyway and Inej followed in after him. He placed his bag on the ground and shrugged his blazer off hanging it on his chair. He turned around and saw Inej looking at him with wide eyes hugging her bag to her chest again. He probably should have given some instruction.

“You can put your bag next to mine,” Kaz told her tugging his tie loose. “And you can sit on my desk chair, all my things are on my laptop.”

She seemed to hesitate for a moment before following his direction. Kaz opened his closet to search for a stool for him to sit on and when he turned around Inej was examining his room.

“Find anything interesting?” Kaz smirked. “I draw the line at going through my drawers.”

Inej rolled her eyes, “This is my first time in here you can’t blame me. I don’t get invited into other people's rooms often.”

Kaz bit his tongue placed the stool next to the desk and sat down.

“You don’t have a lot of pictures do you?” Inej pointed out.

Kaz shook his head, “And what exactly would I need to frame?”

“I don’t know. Jesper, Colm, even Matthias?” Inej offered as she began to play with her braid. “Don’t people usually have framed photos?”

“I wouldn’t know,” Kaz shrugged examining her.

She turned to face him and took a large intake of breath before replying, “Neither would I.”

Kaz wasn’t sure how long they were looking at each other until Inej broke their silence. “So what do I need to do?” She asked before taking a seat in his desk chair.

Kaz snapped his brain back into business mode before he gave himself away too much. He reached over and grabbed his laptop opening it for her.

Chapter Text

Chapter thirteen: Jesper

Curse Kaz and his early mornings.

Jesper thought, grumbling under his breath. He and Kaz were marching to school at 6:30 a.m sharp. Usually, on the way to school, Jesper would use that time to blabber on about whatever dilemma he had to deal with that day. Kaz would either scold him or offer him solutions.

But this morning? Jesper technically woke up about half an hour ago and he was pretty sure that he wasn’t fully conscious. So, he and Kaz walked in relative silence with Jesper's occasional comments about Kaz’s weirdly uplifted mood. They seemed to have switched roles this morning, Jesper the irritated one and Kaz the optimistic one.

Okay, optimistic was giving him too much credit. Kaz wasn’t skipping down the street, whistling a tune. In fact, he wasn’t even smiling. But Jesper had spent enough time with Kaz to tell. Kaz was cheerful and Jesper had no idea why.

Well, Jesper had a hunch. It had been about two weeks since Inej first came over to their house. Which thrilled Jesper frankly. She had come over after school about four times since. Jesper was starting to miss his passenger seat privileges but he did love having Inej over.

These visits seemed to brighten Kaz’s mood, which was a positive. Though Jesper couldn’t ignore the slight feeling of envy.

He had known Kaz infinitely longer than Inej, yet she seemed to be able to brighten him up with an unknowing ease Jesper couldn’t dream of. Jesper seemed to only worsen his mood and disappoint him. He tried not to be jealous. He adored Inej just as much, but Jesper had a nagging feeling that he was losing his friend.

Okay, you’re being ridiculous now.

Jesper decided to blame these thoughts on his sleep deprivation caused by the bastard next to him.

“Why couldn’t we take the car?” Jesper groaned taking slow and sluggish steps, attempting to make Kaz feel bad. It was never going to work.

“I needed it to be serviced today,” Kaz told him. "Feel free to buy your car whenever you like.”

Jesper groaned even louder and began to take even slower steps. Still, Kaz was not fazed and he didn’t snap once for Jesper to pick up the pace.

“Why do we need to get there this early?” Jesper continued. He saw Kaz’s jaw tick.

“I need to talk to someone before school starts,” Kaz told him frankly. Jesper let a grin slide onto his face.

“Is this someone perhaps a little Suli girl? By the name of Inej?” Jesper inquired cheekily. Kaz looked over, his face unimpressed.

“No.”

“Well you can’t blame me for thinking it,” Jesper shrugged. “You two are spending a lot of time together.”

“Well, you invited them to sit at our table,” Kaz scoffed. “Of course I'm going to see them all more often. It wasn’t exactly my choice.”

“I’m not talking about that Kaz,” Jesper said exasperated. “I’m talking about her coming over and spending hours in your room?”

Kaz fell silent, he showed no expression on his face. Jesper was ready to take his small victory before Kaz spoke, “It’s not hours.”

“Oh yes, it is! What are you guys even doing in there?” Jesper threw his hands up. “Actually, I don’t want to know that,” he grimaced.

Kaz stopped in his tracks his expression thunderous, “We don’t do anything except work Jesper. I have no interest for her in that way. If I find out you’ve been telling people-”

“Whoa, whoa Kaz I would never…” Jesper told him. He felt like Kaz had just slapped him.

Why would he ever think that Jesper would spread rumours about them both? Especially with what he knows about Inej? Did Kaz think so little of him?

“I don’t care what you think you won't do. I’m not interested in Inej and I never will be. This is purely for work purposes, so don’t get any ideas in that head of yours,” Kaz rebuked before continuing to walk more aggressively now.

They walked silently for a little bit before Jesper couldn’t hold it in any longer.

“So to be clear you don’t like Inej…?”

Kaz sucked in a harsh breath he didn’t respond until they entered the gates, “No I don’t.”

“Not even a little?”

“Not at all.”

“What about a tiny bit? Just a little?”

“I don’t like Inej at all!”

“You son of a bitch,” a furious female voice cut into their conversation. Jesper and Kaz froze and turned to look over. They were met with a terrifying Nina and an awkward-looking Inej.

Jesper had a feeling that he was going to die today.

“Nina it’s okay,” Inej whispered to Nina placing a hand on her forearm. She shot them both a tight smile that didn’t reach her eyes and walked away. Nina’s expression did not soften.

“How dare you,” Nina spat. “I don’t care if you don’t like her you! Don’t shout it to the rooftops behind her back. Pathetic.”

With that, she stormed off after Inej. Jesper felt he was falling into more dangerous territory.

“Where did they even come from? I didn’t even see them, did you?” Jesper spoke rapidly with nerves.

Kaz was still staring at the place where they stood with a dead expression.

“It’s just a simple misunderstanding we can clear it up,” Jesper reassured. Stop talking.

“I would’ve noticed them if you weren’t chattering in my ear,” Kaz uttered lowly. He turned to face Jesper, his face was relaxed but his eyes were angry.

“I’m sorry Kaz, I can go clear it up,” Jesper told him apologetically.

“What did I tell you, Jesper?” Kaz asked before turning away from him. “You only make things worse. Leave it alone.”

With that, he walked off leaving Jesper feeling even more guilty than before.

Twice now he had destroyed Inej’s day with her memories of the past. He had also successfully ruined Kaz’s rare good mood. Overall, he had probably ruined their relationship with each other. He had been trying to tease Kaz and find out what was going on. He wanted to be feel a part of the new section in Kaz’s life. There were better ways to involve himself he knew that, but when did he ever make the right choice?

Was it really too much to ask for Kaz tell him things? For Saints sake, he didn’t even know what was happening with the online scammer and it was Jesper's money lost! Did he really just want to tease Kaz or was Jesper’s fear of being pushed to the side and ignored coming to fruition again? Just once, he wanted Kaz to come to him about something, tell him personally. Deep down, Jesper knew it wasn’t Kaz’s fault Inej had been hurt. It was his own.

Maybe Kaz was right, he made everything worse.

For most of the day, Jesper avoided Kaz and Inej. Nina too and in all honesty Matthias.

During breaks he avoided the dining hall. He went to the field and hung out with the people there. Jesper never really had any problems with fitting in and the entire day, despite him isolating himself from his friends, was never really alone. He certainly felt like it though.

He had the urge to run up to Inej and explain everything, to reassure her that they were not talking about her behind her back. However, he knew this would not end well and would go directly against what Kaz told him. He wouldn’t risk it, for once he wouldn’t make it worse.

When the end of school came around he waited for Kaz at the exit. After a while, Jesper realised that Kaz must’ve gone home without him. With a heavy heart, Jesper made his way home.

He wasn’t just upset that Kaz had walked home without him, he was also extremely bored. Jesper quite literally kicked rocks on his way home. He even tried putting on music to pass the time, but he couldn’t stick to a song.

Now that he thought of it, he didn’t want to go home. Kaz would be mad, da would notice and Jesper would have to explain how he disappointed everyone yet again.

Someone should keep a tally. Kaz probably did.

Looking up, Jesper realised that he had made it to the corner store near their school. Had he only made it this far?

Jesper groaned. He kicked another rock and then was hit with a sparkling idea. He checked his pockets for cash and marched into the store with a new purpose.

He began browsing through the aisles contemplating on choices. He saw multiple things that caught his eye, his stomach growled. I mean, he had enough money to buy a couple of things if he wanted…

He turned the corner over to the next aisle and spotted a short boy with brownish red hair with magnificently kept curls. As the boy turned, Jesper almost laughed out loud. Wylan must’ve noticed his amused expression and flushed red. Jesper slid into a grin.

“Well, well, shopping for yourself?” Jesper teased, walking up to Wylan and leaned on an aisle rack.

“Why else would I be here?” Wylan said brashly, Jesper laughed.

“You could be here to buy chocolate for a special someone,” he winked. “Valentines isn’t too long away.”

Jesper enjoyed how easy it was to make Wylan blush. He diverted eye contact back to the shelf.

“I’m guessing that’s what you’re here for then,” Wylan said, pretending to scan the chocolate bar collection.

Jesper's brows raised at his boldness. Poking fun at Wylan had become increasingly easier and more enjoyable since they started sitting with each other. So, for old time's sake, Jesper leaned in a little closer. “You sound jealous,” he whispered playfully.

Wylan jumped at the proximity and turned away but Jesper could tell his face was bright red at this point. “Why would I be jealous?” Wylan spat, eager to get away from Jesper.

“Well, maybe you're a secret admirer and you’re getting chocolate for me,” Jesper laughed. “Oh! I bet you followed me here!”

Wylan spun around looking offended, “I’ll have you know not everything revolves around you, Jesper Fahey. Personally, I have zero interest in Valentine's Day and no interest getting anything for you either. I’m buying chocolates for my mother if you are so invested.”

Jesper mouth fell slightly ajar at his outburst. He didn’t think he had ever heard Wylan talk that much. Sure, when Jesper teased him he bit back with sharp quips. Jesper was oddly endeared now after the objection. Jesper was still smiling but it wasn’t a teasing one.

When Nina, Wylan and Inej first sat on their table, Jesper barely paid any attention to him. He was like an accessory to the girls. Not that he hated Wylan or was even embarrassed to hang out with him. It was just easy and natural to overlook him. He wasn’t talkative and barely knew anything about what they would talk about. Almost like he had only just landed on Earth. Jesper had told him that once.

Before Inej sat with Wylan, Jesper just saw him as the principal's son. The person people steered away from. Jesper didn’t mind talking to him, but being his friend had never crossed his mind. He realised now that he had spent about half a decade going to school with this boy and he only now understood who he was.

“Do you want to hang out?” Jesper asked, dropping the act. Wylan nose scrunched and he looked confused at the switch of conversation.

“Don’t you have better people to hang out with?” Wylan questioned, he looked sceptical.

“Not really!” Jesper told him grabbing the first two chocolate bars he spotted and headed towards the counter. He turned around and Wylan hadn’t moved. Jesper felt an odd sensation at the terror in his face.

“Relax, I’m not pranking you. We sit on the same table remember?”

Finally, Wylan followed Jesper's lead. They both paid separately and walked out.

“Well, now what?” Wylan asked. “I can’t stay long, my father-”

“Your da can wait for a moment. He made you walk home anyways, right? Say you hit construction or something,” Jesper declared glancing around. “As for what we should do…” Jesper shrugged. “We can just see where the wind takes us.”

Wylan sighed, scratching his head.

The wind ended up taking them to a local park. Jesper and Wylan were sat on the swings eating one of their chocolate bars peacefully.

Jesper had told Wylan quite a lot during their walk, probably too much. Wylan was now aware that Kaz hated him and Inej thought he was a bully again. He was mostly unfazed though and didn’t say much. But Jesper knew he was listening. It also felt nice to talk to someone who didn’t know the depth of Kaz and Jesper's relationship.

They fell into silence as they chewed their bars. Jesper was twisting around in his swing and Wylan looked at him oddly.

“You know, I’ve never been to a playground,” Wylan told him.

Jesper paused and looked at him incredulously, “What! How does that… how?”

Wylan shrugged and crumbled the wrapper in his hand. He had a faraway look in his eye that made Jesper feel bad.

“Didn’t your parents take you?” Jesper inquired carefully.

Wylan shrugged again looking at the floor, “Maybe when I was younger… my ma? I’m not sure.”

Jesper had known that Principal Van Eck was not going to win the ‘Father of the Year Award’ anytime soon. But hearing Wylan talk like that made a pit in his stomach. How horrible was Van Eck? Was he worse than the rumours? Surely not, Jesper had heard some pretty vulgar things.

He wasn’t sure how to continue with this conversation, suddenly feeling extremely out of his depth.

“Well, you're here now!” Jesper said as brightly as he could. “You can climb on the monkey bars, go down the slide or my personal favourite, the swing. Options, always options. It’s why I love the playground.”

Wylan laughed and Jesper felt accomplished. In an attempt to make him laugh again, he began swinging as hard as he could flaying his legs around ridiculously until Wylan had bent over laughing.

“C’mon Wylan! Swing with me! Feel the wind,” Jesper cried, tilting his body back.

“You look… stupid!” Wylan told him between laughs.

“Wylan! Swing with me! Don’t make me push you, myself!” Jesper exclaimed.

Wylan shook his head and wiped his eyes. He began to rock back and forth. Wylan didn’t reach the height he was, but Jesper cheered nonetheless.

“Jump with me!” Jesper told him.

“From this height? No way, I-” before Wylan could finish, Jesper leapt into the air landing ungracefully on his feet. He turned around shooting his fists in the air proving his victory, Wylan laughed again.

“Now you!” Jesper encouraged. Wylan was adamant that he wasn’t risking it and that it was too high, but Jesper persisted.

“Wylan! For Saint's Sake just-” Jesper shouted as Wylan leapt out of his seat.

Jesper could see it before he had even reached the floor. Wylan was too tilted as he sore through the air. His hands were closer to the ground than his feet were. Jesper grimaced as Wylan’s face collided with the floor below the swing. He ran over.

“Wylan, shite! I’m so sorry, I-” Jesper apologised before reaching him. Wylan’s face was still facing the ground. As he looked up at Jesper a dazed grin was plastered on his face and he burst out laughing.

Jesper looked at him disbelievingly and he laughed alongside him, relieved.

They stayed like that for quite some time. Wylan looked up and noticed the sky that was now a beautiful pink and gold for the sunset and stood up panicked.

“Saints! I’m so late, I’ve got to go Jesper,” Wylan exclaimed before stumbling off. “Thank you!”

Jesper watched him go. “See you tomorrow!” Wylan called out over his shoulder, running clumsily into the distance.

Jesper waved back, but sat there for a while. He let himself smile as he turned away back towards his house.

Finally, the thought of going home wasn’t a dreadful one anymore. Sure his da might be angry he was out so late but honestly, he didn’t care. Jesper didn’t want to think about how horrible the last two hours would’ve been if he hadn’t spent it with Wylan. Life would’ve been incredibly boring.

Jogging into his front door, he was immediately greeted by his Da. He hosted a suspicious expression on his face.

“And where were you again?” Colm asked crossing his arms in a form of imitation.

Jesper threw his arms around his da, “Just with a friend. Lovely day, goodnight sir!”

With that, he brushed past him and headed for the stairs. He heard Colm mutter something about the two boys being the death of him. His usual talk after Kaz or Jesper had a late night out.

Jesper paused outside Kaz’s door, contemplating. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his second chocolate bar. The bar was slightly crushed, half melted and extremely warm. Jesper cringed in disgust. Nonetheless, he looked at the door and bent down sliding the chocolate under the door gap.

He didn’t wait to see if Kaz took it.

Chapter Text

Chapter fourteen: Inej

People are taking this way too seriously.

Inej was wandering aimlessly around the pitch during her PE lesson. She watched her fellow peers get entirely too competitive for a thirty-minute game. More specifically, her male classmates.

“Why is he screaming at her? It’s not that serious,” Nina said beside her.

“My thoughts exactly,” Inej concurred, slightly horrified at a boy from her class screamed at this poor girl for kicking the ball out of bounds. The teacher walked over trying to calm the boy down.

“Yeah, no way I’m getting involved in this,” Nina told her and began picking at her nails. “When does this class finish anyway?”

“Er, in about 15 minutes I think,” Inej replied groaning a little. “I don’t have anything against physical activity, but this class is horrible.”

“As someone who hates physical activity, I also despise this class” Nina sighed dramatically. Inej snorted.

When Inej first joined Ketterdam College, she had been excited about their sport programs. She assumed because of their well-kept fields and gymnasiums they put a lot of effort into their athletics sector.

She was horribly mistaken. The one place that the College seemed to lack, was just that.

Apparently, the rugby team had not won a game in about three to four years and they didn’t even have a dance class. Inej was devastated. The PE class was even worse. People took it entirely too seriously because the proper school teams were lacking within themselves. So everyone took the energy they would’ve put into proper games, into low stakes PE games.

“You’re joking. Of course, Lanstov decided training was now,” Nina pointed to the stands. Inej looked up and saw a large team of boys from younger and higher years congregate on the bleachers.

“Is he making them watch us?” Inej cried. “How is that fair?”

She watched as the boys start to snicker at the players with the ball.

“Well, they’re going to have to because Mr Botkin is not going to let him take the pitch,” Nina sighed.

Just as Nina said Coach Lanstov approached Mr Botkin. Inej watched hopelessly as he began getting a harsh reprimand before walking back defeatedly to the team.

Inej squinted her eyes in the bleachers scanning the faces. She recognised Oomen and grimaced. She spotted Jesper and Matthias too and…

“Wait, does Kaz do rugby?” Inej questioned frowning deeply. “How? With his leg and all?”

Nina looked up spotting him too and rolled her eyes, “Boring fucker. He was playing rugby when he got the injury, hence the cane. He still watches training occasionally and gives advice or something. He used to be quite good.”

Inej felt a pang of sorrow for him. He must miss it if he watches training and games sometimes. She tried to push down the feelings of sympathy for him, remembering what she heard him shout two days prior.

“I don’t like Inej at all!”

Hearing that hurt her more than she was willing to admit. Mostly she felt stupid. Why had she deluded herself into thinking that Kaz was warming up to her? That he liked the time they spent after school at his house? She thought about the times that they didn’t talk business. When he made her laugh and talked about her impressions of people at the school. Even when they wouldn’t say anything at all.

She had begun to think of him as a friend possibly. Kaz was the second person ever to invite her to their house, first was Nina. She tried to play it off cool, but this was big for her. She pondered for hours whether that meant they were friends or not. She tried to tell herself that it was purely for convenience purposes, for Bajan. But she had begun to hope every time she made him smile. Maybe one day he would invite her over and they would just talk like normal teenagers.

Then she heard him announce he hated her, the illusion shattered. He hadn’t known she was there and that just made it worse. He complained about hanging out with her while he had invited her to his house that day! The audacity! She hadn’t wanted him to see her hurt, so she acted as maturely as possible. Nina tried to convince her to be angry at him but Inej tried and failed. She was just embarrassed and hurt.

She didn’t go to his house that day or the day after. Wylan, Nina and Inej also sat at their own table again. Kaz hadn’t brought it up either and Inej wondered if he was secretly relieved that she was finally staying away from him.

“Don’t give him your attention Inej,” Nina whispered to her comfortingly. “He’s a bastard.”

A whistle made them both jump and they realised Mr Botkin was yelling at both of them.

“Ghafa! Zenik! How about a little participation!?” he screamed at them, gesturing them to run his way.

“Oh brilliant,” Nina deadpanned, but started jogging lightly. The boys in the stands started whooping and hollering at them as they ran. Inej wanted the floor to crumble beneath her.

She kept a pace and turned to see Nina had already given up running. “C’mon Nina, I don’t want a group of boys screaming at us for the next few minutes,” Inej hissed.

She turned around to continue jogging back to the group. They had congregated towards the goal and seemed to be discussing something.

“Okay, who’s getting the goal kick?” Inej’s classmate Pim asked. “Honestly, I’ve been carrying this team so-”

“No, no,” Mr Botkin stalked over, standing between Nina and Inej. “I want one of these girls to participate. They get the last kick.”

Nina and Inej shot each other terrified glances. Their horror was shared by their team as an uproar of disapproval began.

“What! Sir, they haven’t touched the ball!” Pim cried. “You’re basically forcing us to lose.”

“You know… personally I agree,” Nina cut in. “I don’t want to be the downfall of the team. Leave it to the professionals.”

Mr Botkins slapped his hands together and rubbed them, “It’s decided! Nina will shoot.”

Another cry of frustration erupted and Pim even dropped to his knees. Inej thought this was a bit excessive. I mean, how bad was Nina? She looked over to her and Nina looked defeated too. Inej had a feeling they were going to be picked last for all team games the rest of the term.

“It’s okay Nina,” Inej reassured. “It’s not that important, just gym.”

Nina turned slowly to Inej, “Yeah, just gym in front of a whole rugby team of guys and a team that hates me. I really do hate this class.”

“Well, at least they already know how bad you are at sports,” Inej told her bluntly. Nina shot her a look.

“Alright Nina, you’re spot is right there,” Mr Botkin explained setting the ball down on the grass. “Inej step away please.”

Inej gave one last pitied look at her before she turned and walked towards the goals with the rest of the team. She knew that part of the reason Nina might be a little embarrassed was because Matthias was watching. Overall, Inej thought this scaled very low on horrible school moments.

The whistle blew and Nina didn’t move, she coughed lamely. Then the yelling began, Inej tried not to roll her eyes. The boys were far too invested in this game it was ridiculous. So Nina took a deep breath and stepped back. She looked at the goal with a sudden determination, ran forward, swung her leg back and kicked the ball as hard as she could.

Inej was impressed by the ferocity of the kick and only noticed last minute that the ball was heading straight towards her. She didn’t have time to duck and the ball collided with her face. The force of the ball was so intense she was swept off her feet and definitely thought she was flying for a moment. Her vision flashed a bright red and black.

She woke up facing the sky with two heads hovering over her. She squinted at the bright light and adjusted her head a little. A shriek came from the figure.

“Inej! I thought I killed you!” Nina shouted. Inej winced as a sharp pain hit her head. She felt like she might throw up. She sat up and felt her vision spin. Clutching her forehead, she looked around.

“Nice kick,” she told Nina.

“See Lanstov, just fine she is” Mr Botkin declared. “Isn’t that right Ghafa?!”

“I guess so?”

“Perfect, nothing to see here!” Mr Botkin yelled out. “Off to your next class.”

Inej realised that she must’ve been knocked out. She scanned the field and saw her class talking amongst themselves and occasionally looking back at her. Luckily, none of them seemed to be laughing. She looked to her side and noted the rugby team had migrated to the field and were standing around talking, they were less secretive about their staring.

She looked away before she could spot Kaz.

“How long was I out for?” Inej asked Nina.

“Too long, but Mr Botkin refused to call the nurse,” Nina rolled her eyes sending glares at no doubt their teacher.

“Well good because I’m fine,” Inej stated and wiped the dirt off her shorts. She moved to get up, Nina grabbed Inej’s arm to help her. Inej almost protested but thought better of it. She honestly probably would’ve fallen, the world hadn’t stopped spinning yet.

Nina put her hand on Inej’s back still holding her hand, “Let’s go to the nurse Inej, that was nasty-”

“No, no I’m fine,” Inej waved her off trying to blink off her migraine. “I have a history now with Wylan, he’ll be wondering where I am.”

Nina looked sceptical but helped Inej off the field nonetheless.

“Get well soon!” Inej heard Jesper call out, but she couldn’t find it in her to turn around.

She didn’t want to visit the office again for obvious reasons. It was incredibly embarrassing how often she found herself in there and she didn’t want to give that impression anymore. She also wanted to prove to herself that even when situations arise, she can push through them and finish the day optimistically. Although, her head was still pounding.

These things always seemed to happen to her and she stubbornly decided she wouldn’t surrender the day and go home. She was going to push through it, then go home take a bunch of pain medication and probably pass out. She’d return the next day. No one would have to worry about her.

Her determination was the only reason she got through her last two lessons. By the time the bell rang, the table she was sitting on seemed to have a heartbeat of its own. Her teacher bid her farewell but Inej didn’t trust herself not to throw up if she responded. She smiled weakly, even that small gesture sent and vibration through her brain.

On her way to the locker, to avoid Nina and her prying suspicions about Inej’s wellbeing, she stopped in the bathroom. Allowing her shoulders to shrug slightly, she placed her books on the sink. Gazing up into the mirror, she pulling her bangs to the side. She gasped and winced as she spotted a pink and purple discolouration and slight bump growing on her head.

Hearing the door open, she quickly covered it with her bangs again and pretended to wash her hands. School’s over now, all you have to do is walk home. Just get home, then you can pass out.

Inej pulled herself together and walked back out to the hallway. She got her things from the locker, taking long breaks to refrain from passing out. Inej leaned against the wall and sighed, she felt a cold sweat break out everywhere and she wiped her forehead. Her breathing was deepening and she found she did not have the same control she once had over her balance.

Walking down the halls, Inej’s migraine worsened and she felt her mouth begin salivating. Everything in her body was screaming for her to stop. She pushed open the doors with all her might, hoping the fresh air would do her some good. It didn’t.

Inej felt bile rise in her throat and her mouth felt fuzzy. She ran over to the other side of the building and opened the trash. She found herself throwing up the contents of her lunch.

She crumbled to the ground, still feeling ill and dizzy. The clouds overhead began drizzling with rain and Inej felt defeated as she crawled undercover. She could feel herself about to be sick again and unfortunately didn’t make it to the bin. She looked down at her palms, they were violently shaking and glistening with sweat. She leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes.

Despite swearing she closed them for just a second, when she opened them again someone was standing over her. She still couldn’t see clearly and her mouth began salivating again. She squinted up at him and realised that he was speaking to her. But every word that he said came out distorted, like she was hearing it through a faulty telephone. She grumbled a response and closed her eyes again. She felt a hand on her arm pulling up.

“Too fast, I’m gonna-” Inej covered her mouth with her hand but still gagged. The hand loosened but still kept a grip. Inej put her hands to her temple.

“I’m taking you to the hospital Inej,” the boy said. She vaguely recognised his voice and his presence felt familiar.

It took all her energy to open her eyes and look up.

I knew it. She thought defeatedly. Of course, it was Kaz. He had his arm under hers holding her up with an umbrella in the other. He looked oddly pale too, his hands were shaking on her arm.

“What a nice gesture,” Inej mumbled, not meaning to say it out loud.

He helped her into the car first and gave her a bag before getting into the driver's seat. Inej held her head in the bag.

“Once we’re there, I’ll call your parents,” Kaz told her.

“So bossy,” Inej spoke again. Stop talking.

She was pretty sure she heard a slight huff of laughter or maybe it was a scoff. After all, he announced that he didn’t like her at all. This situation was not ideal for either of them.

“You don’t even like me,” Inej blurted out before shoving her head back into the bag. This time she was certain there was no response.

Humiliatingly, she threw up twice on the way to the hospital. She could tell that Kaz was driving more carefully and slightly slower than he usually would, but it was no use. Her vision was getting black dots in it now and she couldn’t find it in her to say anything but ‘sorry’.

The doctors immediately diagnosed her with a concussion. She was instructed to sit in a bed, with the curtains pulled, Inej and Kaz alone once again. She had no idea why he had stayed the whole time. She expected him to just drop her at the doorstep.

It wasn’t just his dislike for her that made this surprising, he also looked terribly uncomfortable. Every time someone coughed or gagged, he seized up before returning to his composure. Even now sitting in her curtained room he was staring harshly at the floor like it would disappear beneath him. Inej understood people who didn’t like the hospital, but he looked like he was scared of it.

“I’ll be good as new in a bit,” she reassured him. “Right back to work I’ll go.”

“Will you now?” Kaz asked his tone lightly teasing. His eyes remained glued to the floor. Inej didn’t appreciate it.

“I’ll get the scammers for you and then you’ll never have to speak to me again,” she told him. “Don’t you worry.”

The room fell silent again and Inej closed her eyes and rested her head back on the bed. She was aware that she was embarrassing herself but it seemed that everything she thought was starting to come out of her mouth.

“Well, I might need you for some other things after that,” Kaz spoke after a while. Inej tried her best not to react, so she kept her eyes closed. “Your choice of course,” he added clearing his throat after.

“What do you mean?” Inej inquired, too scared to say anything else.

“Jesper liked you coming to the house,” he said. Inej gave a surprised bark of laughter.

“I should come to your house and sit in your room… for Jesper's sake?” She asked incredulously. This time she opened her eyes and looked over at him. He wasn’t looking at the floor, he was looking at her now.

“I don’t blame him. You're not bad company,” and turned away as he said it. Inej was relieved he wasn’t looking as she couldn’t control her expression any longer. Was this him telling her that he didn’t dislike her? Was he saying in his own ‘Kaz Brekker’ way that he liked hanging out with her?

“I see,” she decided to respond, fighting down a smile. He still wasn’t looking at her and she felt as though this interaction was needed for both of them. “Your company isn’t as bad as everyone says either,” she told him quietly before adding. “Sometimes.”

He looked at her smirking and rolled his eyes. He readjusted in his chair. “I thought you don’t listen to what other people say,” Kaz said crossing his arms accusatorially, she scoffed.

“Rumours are different than warnings,” she smiled cheekily and she swore she saw him shake slightly. Did I make him laugh?

He opened his mouth to respond before the curtains were ripped open and her mother barged in speaking rapidly in Suli. She pulled her into a suffocating hug and her father strolled in shortly after, hands in pocket.

“Meja how are you feeling?” he asked her, shooting looks at her mother telling her to calm down.

Inej shrugged, “Feels like a bad headache.”

“She was vomiting and passing out,” said a nurse as she walked in too with a clipboard now. “I’d say it hurts a bit more.”

Her mother sighed deeply rubbing her temples, “Inej, what happened? Why are you hurt?”

Inej didn’t know what to say, she couldn’t tell them it happened at school again. Even if it was Nina and even if they knew it wasn’t malicious, she couldn’t have another incident in school. What if they never let her back? She didn’t want to be home-schooled.

“She fell over and hit her head,” Kaz interrupted from behind them. “That’s just what she told me. I found her throwing up in the bin where I presume she fell.”

Her parents looked between them both but seemed to believe him, Inej nodded along eagerly. She was glad that he had thought of that, her brain was too fuzzy to think of a proper excuse. How had he known she didn’t want to tell them?

“Thank you, boy,” her father bowed slightly to Kaz, extending a hand. “You didn’t have to go out of your way to take her to the hospital but you did. We are incredibly grateful.”

Kaz seemed to hesitate slightly but quickly shook her Da’s hand. The nurse began talking to them both, seemingly unaware that Kaz was in no way involved with her personally.

“Meja, do you need more water?” her mother cooed. “A towel too you are sweating very much. Oh dear, that bump!”

“Mama please! I’m okay,” Inej reassured her grabbing her hand. “Stop worrying.”

Her mother’s concern was written very openly on her face and Inej felt terrible. Why when something happened to her, everything else around her disrupted?

“You can only be honest with me Inej. I know you very well, you are my child I-”

“Ne brinite,” her father spoke softly to her mother putting his hand on her shoulder. “Do not overwhelm her.”

Her mother looked at them both and sighed deeply. She leaned into his touch, relaxing a little. She reached out a squeezed Inej’s hand lovingly. The doctor began speaking to them again and Inej noticed that Kaz was no longer in the room.

“That boy… where has he gone?” Inej’s mother said seeming to notice the same thing.

“He has no obligation to stay here,” her father responded taking a seat. “He has done more than enough and we have already thanked him.”

Inej understood this but still, something stirred inside her. She did think it was overly kind for Kaz to stay with her till her parents got here. But he had left immediately after and she wondered if she disrupted any evening plans for him. It was times like this when she wished that she had his number to thank him and possibly apologise.

The nurse ran some scans and determined that Inej’s concussion was quite severe. She recommended that Inej stay the night for observation in case of seizure. Though, she said it was unlikely to occur. Inej’s mother only heard the word seizure and freaked out. She agreed to keep Inej at the hospital for the week if she had to. The nurse told her there was no need.

Inej spent the night with not much entertainment, except the channels of the TV in her designated room. She missed the next day of school and went home around lunchtime. She was finally able to charge her phone.

Wednesday 4:00 pm

INEJ KAZ JUST MESSAGED ME WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED.

Wednesday 4:05 pm

I’M SO SORRY INEJ IF YOU DIE I WILL SERVE LIFE IN PRISON IDC

Wednesday 4:10 pm

WHY AM I ONLY HEARING UPDATES FROM KAZ?!

I’M GLAD YOU’RE OKAY PLEASE TEXT ME WHEN YOU CAN!!!!

Wednesday 4:13 pm

I understand if you are mad at me Inej I understand 100%. I’m a horrible friend for hurting you and an even worse friend for not making sure you were okay after. Please let me make it up to you <3

Inej scrolled through about thirty more messages before one caught her eye.

Thursday 1:25 pm

Kaz asked me to give him your number? What is that about?

Don’t worry, I told him to fuck off.

She buried her face into her pillow and groaned. Inej didn’t move for the rest of the day.

Chapter Text

Chapter fifteen: Wylan

Why won’t he stop staring?

Wylan thought weakly. He was sitting in his mathematics class and behind him sat Jesper. Who, for the entirety of the lesson, was looking over and whispering to him any chance he got. It was starting to make Wylan nervous. He hadn’t talked to him since they went to the park together two days ago. Okay, so maybe it was Wylan who made sure that Jesper hadn’t seen him since.

He was avoiding him. So what? Wylan just didn’t know what to say after they hung out like that. “Hey, that meant so much more to me than you realise”?

He would rather die.

That didn’t give Jesper the excuse to unashamedly try to get his attention in class. Or act disappointed when Wylan had no free seats beside him. Why was he being so openly nice to him? He had heard Jesper's mates in the class try to snicker at his attempts to get Wylan’s attention. He was sure they thought it was some kind of prank.

What happened to annoying and irritating Jesper? Wylan missed when he resented him, now he was beginning to see why so many people had held him in such high regard. It was strange. How a few hours could change everything. Although, he supposed Jesper’s whispering was starting to get annoying now.

Wylan used to think he didn’t get along with others in his school because maybe he was too different from everyone else. But Jesper had got along with him so easily. Was it really that simple all along?

Not to mention the way his stomach flipped strangely when Jesper laughed with him after Wylan fell off the swing. He felt something entirely different to anything he’d felt before and Wylan didn’t want to think too hard about it.

So many thoughts were circling his head and Wylan was drowning. He needed to sort himself out before he talked to Jesper again. But it was certainly difficult.

“Pst, Wy-Wylan,” Jesper hissed behind him. “Oi!”

Wylan stiffened and gripped his pen tightly, turning around slowly. Jesper was half bent out of his seat leaning towards him with an eager face. He didn’t seem to notice the way the girls sitting near him were giggling.

“I’ve been trying to talk to you all day!” Jesper whispered shouted. “Yesterday too. You’ve disappeared off the face of the earth!”

Wylan gave a weak shrug, extremely embarrassed that this was being shared with the class. He was aware that the people around them could hear this conversation, it was incredibly awkward. “Sorry just… busy?” Wylan said in a hushed tone.

“With what? Trumpet practice?” the boy who was sitting next to Jesper snickered. Wylan rolled his eyes.

“Flute practice…” Wylan muttered back angrily. He decided to ignore them again, turning back to his work.

Behind him, he could hear hushed words being spoken. He tried to tune it out, he was usually pretty skilled at it. Anyways, mathematics was a good class for him. Equations and numbers always stuck to the page. Wylan could do this work.

He suddenly felt someone come up from behind him and he jumped violently. As he looked to the side, he saw Jesper who was crouched next to Wylan’s seat.

“What are you doing?!” Wylan asked incredulously. Why is this boy so persistent?

“What?” Jesper frowned, instead of answering.

Wylan’s mouth was struggling to find the words. “Mrs. Zhabin is going to be upset,” he said lamely.

Jesper made a face, “Nadia is not that strict. Anyways, teachers love me. Excluding Zoya and Baghra.”

Wylan huffed out a laugh, Jesper seemed glad. Wylan looked back to his work feeling slightly awkward again.

“So, you’ve been avoiding me…” Jesper poked him on the shoulder. Wylan snapped his head back trying to sputter out an excuse. As usual, he couldn’t think of anything.

Jesper tutted him. “You can’t hide from me,” he said ominously.

“That sounds… threatening,” Wylan said and Jesper barked out a laugh in return.

“Look, I’m not sure if you thought I was going to ignore you, but trust me I’m not,” Jesper reassured, Wylan’s heart tightened. “We’re friends now don’t worry.”

Wylan’s eyebrows shot up. Friends? I mean he supposed that’s what friends do, they hang out. But Jesper said it so casually. After years of being at the same school this was happening. Jesper, who was possibly the most liked person in their year level, wanted to be his friend.

Since Inej had sat at his table that one fateful day, Wylan’s life had flipped. Three friends? Younger Wylan wouldn’t have believed it. Was this real? Should he pinch himself?

He wasn’t sure exactly how to respond. Instead he just repeated what Jesper said, sounding slightly stupid. “Friends…”

But Jesper grinned nonetheless and slapped his back, “Yeah, yeah of course. Feel free to sit at our table again too.”

Then he returned to his seat and more hushed words ensued. Wylan could make out a few.

“He’s a freak!”, “are you crazy?” and “trying to get on the principal's good side again?”

But Wylan found that for the first time, he truly didn’t care what they said.

“So…” Wylan picked at his lunch. “Do you guys, you know, like sitting here?”

Inej and Nina paused and looked up at him with suspicious expressions.

“Wylan, the next words out of your mouth better not be, ‘You guys don’t have to sit with me,’” Nina said sternly. “I’ll smack you over the head. I’ll do it!”

“Nina!” Inej interjected. “But I do agree.”

Wylan sighed, playing with his curls, “No obviously! I’m over that…phase.”

Inej and Nina sighed with relief. He thought it was a bit dramatic. Sure, Wylan was a little insecure with his friends a couple of weeks ago. But they had done enough reassuring and even reprimanding so Wylan could take the hint and stop saying stupid things.

“I just mean… a table closer to the window could be… nice?” Wylan spoke cautiously. Inej looked at him as if he had grown antlers.

“All those tables are taken Wylan?” Inej said.

“Why the sudden need for a change of scenery?” Nina inquired, she looked even more suspicious now.

Wylan rubbed the back of his neck, “Less a change of scenery, more… adding a few members to our table… maybe.”

Inej groaned, “If you want me to go out and actively talk to new people, I’ll pass. Nina can do the heavy lifting for that one.”

“No, no I just mean…” Wylan trailed off not knowing what to ask. He wasn’t sure why, but admitting to them that Jesper asked him to sit at his table was embarrassing. Not that Jesper being his friend was embarrassing. Possibly it was how eager Wylan was to immediately follow Jesper’s invite to his table.

“Nina, you obviously want to sit with Matthias,” Wylan pointed accusatorily at Nina. She frowned, taken aback.

“When have I ever said this?” Nina scoffed raising her chin. “I don’t care if I see him at school or not. If he wants to talk to me, he will.”

“Liar,” Inej snickered.

“Jesper adores you both too!” Wylan added, trying to bring them back into the conversation. “I mean, I know Inej and Kaz have their issues or whatever…”

That was Wylan's main concern. He remembered Jesper telling him about Kaz talking badly about Inej. Jesper never explicitly said if it was true or not, just that it was Jesper's fault she heard. Kaz was inherently unfriendly, so he wasn’t exactly surprised. But if Inej was hesitant about sitting with him then there is no way Nina would agree. Wylan wouldn’t force her either.

“We kind of… sorted it out,” Inej confessed, now apparently very interested in the table.

Nina brightened up with energy, but she looked livid. “Oh yeah! Wylan, do I have news for you! Kaz, the two-faced bastard-”

“This sounds pleasant,” Kaz mused. Wylan looked up and Jesper, Kaz and Matthias had come over to their table. Jesper had already slid into the seat right next to Wylan. He didn’t look at him though, he seemed very engaged in the Nina and Kaz standoff.

“What is this a coordinated attack?” Nina cried. “Brekker, you have no right to complain about being talked about badly anyways! I haven’t forgotten what you’ve done.”

Kaz did not seem to appreciate this.

“Well then Nina, I don’t want to have to hear you arguing with Matthias about waving with his left hand and not his right,” Kaz snarled. Nina looked affronted and Matthias put his hands up in surrender.

“Please leave me out of this,” he pleaded. Kaz shot him an abrasive look as he sat down next to him.

“I’ve never done such a thing,” Nina scowled. She glanced around at everyone, all looking at her with a similar knowing look. Wylan felt he was missing something.

“Okay!” Nina threw her hands up. “Once! It was once! I had a lapse of judgement it was a long day. Sorry, Matthias.”

“I already forgave you for that,” Matthias muttered. He seemed slightly scared to say anything more.

“I don’t know why I’m being ganged up on,” Nina pouted. “Kaz is daring to act like he didn’t insult Inej. Behind her back, might I add!”

“Nina-” Inej began.

“Fine then let me make this as clear as possible to everyone at this table,” Kaz snapped irritably. “Jesper was speaking about me and Inej romantically. I made it very clear I didn’t like her in that way. Now, Nina darling, what’s the verdict? Is that enough fucking context for you? Or am I sentenced to execution?”

Inej looked extremely awkward. Wylan caught her eye and he had a sneaky feeling that she didn’t know the real context either.

Nina rolled her eyes in such a way that her entire head moved with it. “Whatever Kaz. But if you say anything ever again-”

“You’ll kill him! Key his car! Oh, burn his house!” Jesper exclaimed, he was just about the only happy person on this table. “Wait, don’t burn down his house, It’s mine too.”

“Shut up Jesper,” all five of them chorused. Jesper shut his mouth abruptly.

“Is this why you asked us to sit at this table?” Matthias inquired crossing his arms. “For your entertainment and happiness?”

Jesper merely shrugged.

“Maybe I’ll be happier if Kaz apologises to me and Inej,” Nina grumbled.

“No chance am I apologising to you, Nina,” Kaz sneered. “Inej, my apologises.”

“It's okay, I already-” Inej tried to reply.

“Don’t accept it!” Nina shushed her. Inej opened her mouth to say something but she closed her eyes and seemed to compose herself.

The bell went and in one swift movement, Inej was out of her seat. She looked extremely relieved and a strained smile formed on her face. “Wylan! History, let's go. Now!” she hurried off and Wylan barely had time to think before he scurried off after her.

Inej was moving at a speed that Wylan could only barely match, she weaved through the crowded dining hall with a skilful ease. She was determined to get out of there and Wylan didn’t blame her.

Finally, once they exited the hall, Inej let her composure drop. She groaned.

“Those two… I mean, really? I just- Saints,” Inej muttered incoherently.

“What was that?” Wylan decided to prompt.

She clearly wanted to get something off her chest, and maybe confide in someone.

He was, shamefully, a bit excited. No one had ever confided in Wylan before, except maybe his mother. But that was a different story.

“I love Nina, with my whole heart. It’s just…” Inej bit her lip and looked around. “She’s so protective, maybe too protective. I know it’s out of love but she keeps… getting involved. She thinks I can’t handle anything.”

Wylan nodded understandingly, he knew she was referring to Nina previously annihilating Kaz for her sake. Although, from what he observed this was an ongoing thing too.

“I don’t want to sound like I’m talking badly,” Inej said quickly. “I just think she projecting onto me a little bit. I don’t know how to help her, because I don’t know what’s wrong.”

Wylan pondered this, “Maybe she is upset about the girls?”

Imogen apparently had been saying pretty heinous things about the two of them. However, every time they heard something, they would bring it up during break and laugh about it. Maybe Imogen had taken it too far this time? Personally targeted something against Nina?

Inej seemed to think about this too. “Possibly, maybe she’s just been laughing it off because she is actually hurt,” Inej suggested. “A typical Nina thing to do.”

“Mhm,” Wylan hummed mindlessly. “You should talk to her about it. Just the two of you, I don’t mind going somewhere else for lunch tomorrow.”

Inej frowned, “Why? You’re a part of our group now, we’re all friends.”

Inej’s sentiment was heart-warming but it wasn’t all that true. Nina and Inej had been a duo for practically their whole lives. Wylan had only just begun to sit with them. He appreciated their friendship but remained aware that they meant much more to each other than he did. Wylan didn’t mind though, a friend was a friend.

They chatted about all the possible things that could be effecting Nina while walking to history. Stepping into the class, Wylan felt a familiar nervous feeling emerge.

Wylan hated history. It was one of the worst subjects for him, it mostly revolved around reading sources and analysing the text. He just couldn’t keep up. Inej excelled at it, it was one of her best subjects. She might be the only reason he’d pass this class.

Luckily, Mr. Yul-Bataar didn’t make them read things out loud that often. Even when they were unlucky enough to read, Inej always volunteered. Today was an unlucky day.

“Okay, class! Page one, source one. Who wants to read?” Tolya asked the class, passing out booklets.

Wylan looked over and expected Inej’s hand to shoot in the air but it remained fiddling with the pages. She seemed to have zoned out, most likely thinking about what to say to Nina. Wylan shifted in his seat and scratched his head.

“Wylan! Thank you, begin when you’re ready,” Tolya said gratefully.

Wylan realised that his head-scratching seemed to translate to raising his hand to read. In that moment, Wylan felt his mind extend out of his body. Anxiety and humiliation hit him like a truck. The class around him fell silent waiting for him to begin. With shaking hands he looked down at the sources, nothing looked how it should. He knew this since he was very young.

The words on the page were flipped the wrong way as usual and nothing was coherent. He couldn’t breathe. His mouth had gone completely dry as he tried to make sense of what was on the page. It felt like Wylan had been silent forever, was life happening in slow motion? Could people tell that he was flustered? His face began to heat and he hunched over in his seat, willing his body to stop shaking.

His eyes began to glaze over and he realised that he was tearing up, he blinked them back helplessly. His hands were shaking so violently that the page was making a sound. He placed it down and wiped his sweaty palms on his pants. He had no idea what to do, what to say and how to get out of this. He could feel his face becoming beetroot red. People in the class began looking up at him and whispering, “why isn’t he reading?”

Just as he thought that he might projectile vomit his lunch onto the page, a soft voice next to him began speaking. “The treaty of Versailles was-”

Wylan realised that Inej had begun reading in his place. She kept her eyes glued to the page and Wylan tore his eyes away from her and looked back at Mr. Yul-Bataar. He raised his brow but quickly returned to typing on his laptop.

People around started snickering. At first he thought it was about his failure to read. But as Wylan listened he realised they were calling Inej names like, ‘nerd’ and ‘teachers pet’. People weren’t making fun of Wylan for not reading. They were making fun of Inej because she was, and it was all his fault.

He had no idea why Inej did this or how she knew that he wasn’t going to start reading, but she did. Wylan felt a surge of gratitude. He didn’t know how to thank her. Did he need to? Maybe it was best not to mention it.

After she finished reading, Tolya rose from his seat and began writing on the board. Wylan looked over at Inej, who was already looking at him. She smiled and nodded knowingly. So she did know. He swallowed harshly. His secret was out. 

Inej knew Wylan couldn’t read.

Chapter Text

Chapter sixteen: Kaz

Matthias is right, this team has no hope.

Kaz thought painfully as he watched the ball wizz through a player's hand during a simple line-up. He saw Matthias cover his face with his hands and look away. Kaz didn’t blame him.

He had stopped observing training as much, not that he wanted to but his schedule demanded otherwise.

Kaz still loved rugby; he loved the field, the competition, the satisfaction of tackling the opposition. There was no other feeling like it. Not only did Kaz like rugby, but he was bloody good at it too. He was never afraid to take a hit or give one out. A strong ruck play is essential for maintaining momentum in rugby. He played the game with an intensity that other people on his team failed to exhibit. He was never afraid to get a little dirty. It’s why they nicknamed him ‘dirtyhands’ on the field. Everyone told him he was going places.

Or they used to.

He remembered the feeling of the doctors telling him that he couldn’t play anymore, that his injury wasn’t going to heal. He remembered the pitied faces that disgusted him so much he couldn’t look at anyone for a week. Just watching the rugby was torture for him, it was nothing like actually playing. He would constantly have the urge to reach through the screen and play the game for them.

For almost half a year he was quite possibly the worst person to be around. He was so bitter and resentful, even Jesper left him alone. He barely took care of himself. He was so frustrated with everything and everyone around him, and he frequently pushed himself too far trying heal. He refused to speak about rugby. Kaz even reverted back to his old ways, meeting up with old friends and getting back into bad habits. It was a horror show.

Then, Matthias suggested that he should visit one of the team's training sessions.

Kaz initially refused, convinced that he would have the same feelings towards players in real life as he did watching them onscreen. However, there was something different about watching it in person. He could yell at them and they would listen.

So Kaz attended their training sessions, every single one. Rain or shine, he was there. Kaz began to feel back in control and was able to function a little bit better again. Though, technically visitors couldn’t attend training, Kaz earned a special pass. They still considered him apart of the team, despite being unable to play. Even their Coach, Nikolai Lanstov, had begun to listen to his suggestions. Kaz felt like he was influencing the team in a similar way that playing the game would.

After some time, Kaz attended less of training and games because he didn’t need it anymore. Even when he did show up, he wouldn’t get involved or scream at any of the players. Watching was enough now. However, whenever he came back, he was reminded of why he watched them in the first place.

This was the second impression of the new Ketterdam Dregs team and Saints, they were horrible.

“We’re losing this year,” Nikolai told him. Kaz looked over and his eyes were shut as if he were sleeping.

“We’ve lost every year,” Kaz shrugged. “But you’re right, this team isn’t going to break that streak.”

Nikolai snorted and opened his eyes, he immediately cringed as a player forward passed. Matthias called for a break.

“I mean, and this is just a suggestion, you could, oh I don’t know…” Kaz said. “Do your job maybe?”

Nikolai sighed dramatically. “We both know why I’m here Kaz. I don’t know a thing about rugby, but this team needs a ‘supervisor’,” Nikolai said lifting his fingers in quotations. “I volunteered when I was young and naive. Five years later I’m still here.”

“And we’re still as bad as ever,” Kaz rolled his eyes. “At least Matthias does all the heavy lifting for your lazy ass.”

“Oi, you're speaking to a teacher,” Nikolai scolded, looking completely unfazed. “But you're right. Unfortunately not even Matthias can’t save this team, they need a real coach. I’m not that guy, neither is anyone else at this school.”

Kaz agreed, but he couldn’t admit it. For the past few years, it seemed like they were getting worse. The Dregs just needed some direction and Matthias could only do so much as a player himself.

“Kaz! How do we look!” Jesper shouted up to him in the bleachers.

“Like shit,” Kaz replied. Jesper snickered and it seemed like the rest of the team found it hilarious too. At least they’re self-aware.

Kaz had noticed that despite lacking talent or skills of any kind, the team never seemed deterred. The energy and enthusiasm never dimmed, they always seemed to be just having a good time. They would laugh off every fail, cheer for every small victory and always take a hit. If only they directed some of that energy into actually trying, maybe they wouldn’t be so bad.

Kaz checked his watch. “I think It’s time for me to go,” he informed Nikolai, who gave him a weak salute. Kaz fought the urge to smack him with his cane.

Climbing down the stairs, kaz saw Matthias pull the team into a huddle. A sudden unanimous cheer arose from the crowd, but Matthias was the only one not sharing this enthusiasm. The team then began to scatter towards the changing rooms. Matthias remained defeated.

“Another early minute?” Kaz inquired, stepping closer. “You did that the last time I was here too.”

Matthias rubbed the back of his head, “And most of the times you weren’t here either.”

He began slowly picking up his own things not saying much. Kaz had a feeling he needed some encouragement. Kaz was also not the person to do it.

“They’re never going to get better if you keep slacking off like this,” Kaz told Matthias.

“Save it, Kaz,” he snapped. “They aren’t going to get better, whether they stay the extra fifteen minutes or not. Anyway, It’s not even my job! I’m supposed to be captain not coach.”

Matthias picked up his things extra aggressively, “You don’t know what it’s like to be surrounded by people telling you it’s pointless and trying your best to prove them wrong.”

Kaz scoffed at the irony, “I don’t? I’m the one person who knows that better than anyone Matthias, so shut your fucking mouth.”

Matthias immediately looked guilty, “Kaz, I didn’t-”

“Don’t. I don’t want to hear you sulking anymore, it’s pathetic,” Kaz spat before pushing past Matthias. “You don’t know hopeless.”

Matthias didn’t call out. Kaz wouldn’t have turned around if he did anyway. Matthias was ignorant, he had everything. He had a guarantee into the U18’s Rugby club and he was whingeing about a high school team. Everyone around him was still telling him he was going places, that he was a prodigy. Kaz remembered when people used to tell him that too. But that was in the past, Matthias still had a future.

He climbed into his car and forced his frustrations down. He’s had worse things said to him. But it wasn’t Matthias's ignorance that pissed him off, it was his lack of effort. Kaz could think of a million ways to get the team into shape but he had no place. His times of screaming at the Ketterdam team from the side-lines were over.

He pulled out of the car park and tried to rip his thoughts of the team out of his mind. He had business to do and needed all his wits with him. He also tried to keep Colm out of his mind, but his disapproving face kept peeking in.

After Inej had provided him with the contacts from Bajan’s computer he was able to create a fake account under the name, “Rietveld” and message them. As expected, they immediately assumed that he was another idiot behind the screen looking to make a couple hundred kruge.

In the beginning, he just played online card games with them. Using the voice chat, they would frequently ask Kaz questions about himself. He could smell the manipulation from a mile away. They asked him things about his parents, the money he has, and what city he’s in. He carefully selected all his answers, strategically making himself the most attractive victim for them to pray on. He told them how he didn’t have a good relationship with his parents, and that he was well off financially but was always looking for a quick buck. He even made up a story about how he got in trouble with the law and avoided the police as much as possible. It was all bullshit.

But, he succeeded. Bajan seemed overjoyed that Kaz was living in the same town as him and suddenly stopped asking questions about his life. Instead he would constantly make comments about Kaz’s skill and luck. In the last call, it was just Bajan. After letting Kaz win, he mentioned a major gambling tournament with the offer of up to 1,000,000 kruge.

“You don’t understand, Rietveld. With my skills and your luck, we can win this, easy!” Bajan told him, Kaz rolled his eyes. “Look, since we’re in the same town, let's meet up. I’ll show you the tournament details and we can talk entry fee.”

So alas, Bajan set a date. Today, Kaz would go over and have a look at the ‘tournament’, while his parents were out. Bajan even told him the address, which Kaz thought was funny. He already knew where it was.

Kaz pulled over at the disgustingly simplistic house that Bajan lived in. He spotted the bush he had hid in the last time he was here. It was cut by the neighbours to fit within their fence now.

He decided to keep his cane with him this time, Bajan hopefully would see this as another sign of weakness from him. He exaggerated his limp as he waddled up to the front door, which opened before Kaz could even reach it.

“Rietveld! Nice to meet you in person,” Bajan exclaimed, walking out. “Here, let me help you.”

Bajan hurried over and extended his arm for Kaz to hold. Bajan had never looked more punchable.

“No, no I’m okay,” Kaz bit out, keeping his composure. “Let’s just head in.”

Bajan waved him off, “Oh, of course. We have a business to attend to!”

With that, Bajan lightly jogged back up to the door and held it open for Kaz, gesturing inside. Kaz plastered on a fake smile and heard the door slam behind him.

For the next thirty minutes or so, Bajan talked about the ‘tournament’. It was slightly ridiculous how generic this was. He talked about the game, the people who play, the cash prize, the benefits and most of all the starting fee. That happened to be $100,000. Kaz mostly zoned out. He had heard this all before.

Jesper had told him about the tournament, apparently these people were too lazy to change their story for each person. The only slightly impressive thing was a fake website made just for this.

“The only catch is… and stick with me,” Bajan looked guilty. “I don’t have the money right now. So, I’ll need you to transfer me the $100,000 so I can sign us up as soon as possible. After I get my bank score settled, I’ll transfer you half back so we put forward the same amount.”

Now Kaz wanted to laugh. Did people really fall for this? Or was Kaz so convincing as an idiot that they weren’t even trying?

“Yeah, yeah. That sounds fair,” Kaz ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t wanna miss out so, better to sign up quickly.”

Bajan grinned at him and Kaz smiled back.

“I just have one question…” Kaz told him, Bajan nodded.

“I have this friend… right? And personally, I don’t have the money either right now,” Kaz shrugged sheepishly. “But I told her about this incredible tournament! She seemed excited. I offered to share half my winnings with her if she gives the money to apply. Do you mind if I give you her details instead?”

“Yeah! No problem,” Bajan huffed out a laugh, he turned to his computer. “What’s her name again? I’ll write it down.”

“Her name is Inej Ghafa.”

Bajan suddenly stilled. His mask slipped slightly and Kaz felt a satisfaction in his horror. He didn’t type anything.

“Can’t spell it?” Kaz frowned innocently.

Bajan’s mouth hung pathetically open. He seemed to struggle to get words out. Finally, he pulled himself together.

“Well… I… I’m not sure,” Bajan rubbed a hand over his mouth, looking at his laptop screen again. “If you don’t have the money…”

“I don’t want to miss out though!” Kaz exclaimed with enthusiasm. “My friend Jesper Fahey told me that someone sent money in his stead too. His Da. If he can, surely I can!”

Now Bajan paled, his mouth closed indignantly and he stood from his chair. His easy and open demeanour switched in an instant.

“What the fuck?” Bajan spat. “Is this some sick joke?”

Kaz stood up, his expression changing to a sneer. “But, the tournament! Don’t you want to win?” He mocked cruelly. Bajan grabbed scissors from his desk and put them between him and Kaz.

“Get the fuck out of my house now!” Bajan cried. “Who even are you?”

“Rietveld of course. We’ve been playing cards together forever now,” Kaz snarled. “Put those down. I’m not going to attack you.”

Bajan didn’t listen and kept himself pressed against the wall slightly. His eyes flickered between Kaz and his bedroom door. In a fit of courage, he attempted to run past Kaz to escape. Kaz reacted fast and stuck his cane out tripping Bajan. He fell into the wall making a dent.

“Fuck!” Bajan said holding his face sourly. “What do you want from me!”

Kaz sighed and grabbed Bajan pulling him up. “Sit,” he said gesturing to the desk chair he was just on.

Bajan complied muttering to himself. It sounded vaguely like a prayer.

“I don’t want much from you,” Kaz told him blandly. “Because it seems like you don’t have much.”

Bajan swallowed still clutching his face, it had a wound the size of a paper cut. “W-what?”

“Seems like despite your frequent scamming, your bank account is relatively standard and I don’t think it’s because of your spending habits,” Kaz drawled.

Kaz was able to break into Bajan’s account after gaining his details during a game. What he found was just as expected.

Bajan didn’t say anything. “So, my question. Who are you sending your scammer money to?” Kaz asked him.

In the end, Kaz’s original plan of attacking and intimidating Bajan wasn’t such a bad idea after all. The only difference was Kaz knew that Bajan wasn’t the real target. He was a front. For who? Kaz didn’t know. But he could feel himself getting closer to getting the money back. Jesper owed him big time.

“How- how do you know Inej?” Bajan replied instead. Kaz rolled his eyes.

“I know everything about you, Bajan,” Kaz explained. “Now, answer my question. You don’t want to involve people that don’t deserve to be.”

Bajan looked immensely guilty now. Kaz wouldn’t hurt Inej, but Bajan didn’t know this. He had an odd feeling after saying this but remained focused.

Bajan closed his eyes and resettled in his seat. He looked around as if he were being watched. “I just- I don’t think-”

“Bajan, how long do you want to do this for?” Kaz asked. “You don’t seem like the hopeless type. You’re still in university aren’t you? Do you imagine scamming people for the rest of you’re life?”

Bajan shook his head ashamedly.

“Right, well how do you think you’re getting out this? Huh?” Kaz scoffed. “A handshake and you’re off? Please. Even if your boss lets you go, you could still be confronted by the faces of everyone you ruined. No matter how weak you picked them.”

Bajan considered this. Kaz could be much harsher, maybe Bajan would confess more willingly if he had. But Inej had told Kaz he was a good person, and even if Kaz didn’t believe there was a such thing, he believed that Inej had a good judge of character.

Luckily she was right.

“Okay, okay. I’ll tell you,” Bajan sighed, he shut it eyes tightly.

“Do you know the owner of The Emerald Palace?”

Chapter Text

Chapter seventeen: Matthias

This is brilliant.

Matthias thought happily to himself. All day after practice, Matthias had been frustrated. After yet again forfeiting against his unmotivated teammates, he had started to accept that maybe it was truly hopeless. He had spent months wracking his brain on ideas to make the Ketterdam College team better, but this training was the last straw.

Regrettably, he took it out on Kaz. However, this quarrel with him was what gave Matthias the idea in the first place. He didn’t have the time, energy or the means to be the captain and coach of the team. It was too difficult when he was also training and trying to ensure that he didn’t injure himself for club games. Nikolai was never going to try, he had no reason to. But Kaz?

If Matthias could somehow convince Mr Botkin to allow Kaz to become coach under the supervision of Nikolai, maybe there was hope. They still had time to pull themselves together. There was still weeks of training before the season started. He just needed to get everyone on board.

Matthias couldn’t think of anyone better. Kaz was experienced in rugby and he was a player before his injury. A good one at that. He also used to attend training sessions and provide advice for their old team, which actually impacted the way they played. Kaz had the knowledge and leadership to be a proper coach, a coach this team needed. A coach Matthias couldn’t be.

With this newfound hope, he needed to speak to Kaz immediately. He was internally grateful that his dad was too busy to pick him up. Messaging Kaz he was on his way to his house, Matthias hopped in his car.

He hadn’t had this energy in a while. Once again rugby had brought up an intense feeling of passion that he often missed. He felt it far too rarely.

On his way to Kaz’s house, he heard his phone begin to ring. Picking it up, he pressed it to his ear.

“Don’t come to my house, I’m not there,” Kaz’s crackling voice said on the line. Then he promptly hung up.

“Wha- Kaz!” Matthias shouted, slamming his steering wheel. Fucker.

This couldn’t wait. Not only would Matthias not have the free time to do this later, but this needed to be confirmed before he talked to Mr. Botkin on Monday. It was Sunday. He needed Kaz’s approval before he did anything. Matthias was determined to make this happen.

He considered his next move. So if he wasn’t at his house, where would he be? Matthias thought about calling Jesper. Then remembered he had a date after training with some girl. He could ask Nina? But she wouldn’t know where he is. So who would?

A thought struck him. Maybe Inej knows.

Feeling gleeful, he decided to call Nina. He didn’t have Inej’s number but Nina could be hanging out with her that day. Even if they weren’t, Nina could contact her.

Also, maybe he wanted to see Nina a little bit too.

Matthias turned the car around and was back in the game. Dialling Nina’s number, he prayed she answered.

“Got something important to ask me?” Nina’s flirty voice said.

“Yes! I actually do, I’m heading to your house,” Matthias exclaimed, he was so caught up he barely noticed her flirtations.

“That’s very oddly spontaneous of you,” Nina laughed and sounded slightly shocked. Matthias found himself blabbering on about his ideas.

“Okay, I’ll message Inej. Let me put some clothes on and I’ll meet you outside,” Nina said abruptly before hanging up.

Matthias’s checks flared at the mention of her clothing. Or lack of.

He got there as fast as he could and sure enough Nina was exiting her house as he pulled up. She briskly walked to his car before climbing in. For supposedly laying in her bed for the last hour, she looked very well put together. Matthias realised he was staring.

“Don’t let my beauty distract you from your mission Matthias,” Nina winked. “Turn left here, Inej’s house isn’t far.”

Matthias coughed, “Right, of course.”

He pulled off the curb and turned left.

“Did Inej respond?” Matthias asked.

“Er- yes. She doesn’t know where he is exactly but she does have Kaz’s number now,” Nina said whilst typing on her phone.

“So he finally got her number, huh?” Matthias muttered to himself. It would be funny if Kaz wasn’t being so ominous right now.

“What?” Nina asked absentmindedly.

“Oh nothing,” Matthias waved her off. “Is this it?”

“Yep.”

It didn’t take long for Matthias to get to Inej’s house, the problem was recognising it. She lived in a very small square house that was directly connected to all the other houses on the street. They all looked identical. Luckily, a girl sporting grey trackies and navy blue hoodie, walked out the house. It was Inej, she jogged lightly over getting into the backseat.

“Inej! My love, how are you?” Nina squealed, leaning over to hug her.

“Uh, good…” Inej replied hugging her back frowning. “Is there a reason for this? She told me ‘urgent Kaz danger alert’?”

Matthias sighed and shook his head. “That’s slightly dramatic, although I do need to speak with him today. It’s about rugby. You have his number right?” Matthias looked at her pleadingly.

Inej nodded, “I do, but don’t you all have his number too?”

“He hung up on me,” Matthias confessed.

“I blocked him a month ago. Don’t think he even noticed,” Nina scoffed. “I guess I should unblock the bastard.”

“Anyway,” Matthias rolled his eyes. “I said I needed to speak with him, he told me he wasn’t home and hung up. Do you have any idea where he might be?”

Inej pondered for a moment, “I mean…” She suddenly looked extremely uncomfortable and glanced down at her phone. “I can text him…? Do you think he’d respond?”

“He bloody better,” Matthias uttered. Inej flipped open her phone and found his contact.

“We barely speak over text, so what do I say?” Inej asked looking lost. “Urgent, Matthias danger alert?”

“No, no!” Nina tutted, she reached over and grabbed her phone from her. “Let the player on the pitch.”

Inej and Matthias shared a look as Nina quickly typed something and looking up with an evil grin. Matthias suddenly had a bad feeling.

“Nina… What did you text?” Matthias inquired suspiciously.

Nina shrugged, “Just something to get his attention.”

“’SOS I need help please. I wouldn’t text you if it wasn’t urgent. Respond asap!’? Nina it sounds like I’m dying or kidnapped!” Inej shrieked. She buried her head in her hands.

“Well, he’s never going to respond otherwise,” Nina rolled her eyes leaning back in her seat. “Trust me, I know what texting Kaz is like. Matthias does too.”

Matthias did have to agree, Kaz avoided non-life threatening texts like no one else he had ever met. Despite living under a rock, somehow he always knew everything anyway. Like a shark, thriving in it’s own isolation. It was infuriating.

“He’s never gonna-” Inej tried to respond. Before she could, a ding went off. Inej looked down at her phone.

“What did he say?” Matthias asked her.

“He said: ‘What happened, send me the address now’,” Inej responded. Nina cheered.

“Aha! And you all thought it wouldn’t work,” Nina laughed manically. “Who are the idiots now?”

“We never called you an idiot,” Matthias sighed.

“Well, sometimes it’s about how they make you feel,” Nina batted her eyes. “And how do I make you feel Matthias?”

Matthias felt himself flush.

“Can we stay on track?” Inej deadpanned, looking irritated. “What do I say to him? What address? He already knows where I live.”

Matthias and Nina fell silent. “Hang on, give me that,” Nina tried to reach over to take Inej phone again. Inej snatched it away before she could.

“No, last time you-” Inej and Nina began struggling for the phone. Nina got a firm hold on it, but Inej had surprising grip strength.

“Matthias! Back up now!” Nina cried. Matthias felt caught in-between, but he obeyed and snatched the phone out of the grips of the two of them.

He handed it to Nina. Inej threw her hands up. “I guess this is a communal phone now,” she crossed her arms angrily. “Don’t know why I even tried. Two against one.”

Nina began excessively typing again on the phone, Matthias was beginning to rethink his decision to give it to her. Once she was finished she looked up smugly.

“Well?” Matthias said gesturing for her to continue.

“We need to get to the corner shop near Ketterdam College now” Nina smiled. “And stage a crime scene.”

“Nina, this is excessive. We literally just needed to get him here,” Inej groaned.

Nina had made the split decision to tell Kaz that Inej had been mugged outside the corner shop and needed his help, and that she “lost everything”. Now, Nina had been trying to convince Inej to take off her shoes and tell him it was stolen by the robber. Matthias stood awkwardly beside his car.

“I agree Nina, this is a little excessive. Also irrelevant, I need to talk to him that’s all,” Matthias pushed himself off his car walking to the two of them.

“It adds realism Matthias. Also we don’t want Kaz thinking Inej is a liar,” Nina explained rolling her eyes. “He’ll never respond her messages again, we won’t have another chance like this.”

Matthias gave up on convincing her to calm it down a little bit but Inej still firmly kept her shoes on her feet.

“Okay, at least let me put purple eyeshadow around your eye,” Nina said compromisingly. “So, it looks like a black eye.”

“Nina seriously, this is too much,” Inej grabbed her shoulder. “I’m fine.”

“That’s not what your messages said,” a raspy voice called down from the street. Matthias perked up and turned hopefully to see Kaz, who had climbed out his car. Thank Djel.

Kaz wasn’t alone though. Another figure came out the passenger seat. A Suli man.

“Bajan?” Inej asked bewildered. She stood glancing between the two, both shocked and concerned.

Matthias was just relieved he could finally propose his plan to Kaz and began walking towards him.

“Kaz, finally! I need to tell-” but Kaz walked right past Matthias and continued striding towards Inej, the Suli boy followed quickly after.

“Tell me exactly what happened,” Kaz instructed Inej. “What did he steal?”

Inej seemed temporarily stunned, she looked distraught and confused at the same time.

“Inej! Are you alright?” Bajan exclaimed placing a hand on her shoulder. She glanced between Kaz and Bajan now. Matthias walked over too. He readied himself, Inej looked like she might faint.

“What- are you two?” Inej pointed at the two of them. She then seemed to realise something landing a glare on Kaz.

“Describe what the mugger looked like Inej,” Kaz instructed, ignoring her glare.

“Did you- a little warning,” Inej snapped. She looked furious now turning her gaze to Bajan. “Is that… a cut?”

Bajan quicky covered his face, Matthias didn’t even notice a cut. It must’ve been small. “No, its just…” Bajan shot a glance at Kaz. Inej followed his eye.

“Are you serious!? You didn’t even tell me anything about this,” Inej said harshly. “I should have known when you decided to talk to him!”

“Huh- I… wait,” Bajan seemed to realise something. His voice grew very hoarse, “You knew?”

Inej grew silent but her face remained firm. She looked a Kaz and seemed to communicate something. Matthias felt very out of place, despite this being his idea.

Suddenly, in a burst of motion, Bajan shoved Kaz aggressively. “So not only do you threaten Inej,” Bajan shouted. “But you befriend her too. As what? A sick joke?!”

“Threaten me? What?” Inej shook her head, pulling Bajan back. “Bajan, you lied to me. Didn’t you realise I knew something when I asked about Jesper?”

“Jesper? Huh? What is happening?” Matthias finally spoke up. “I just needed to speak with Kaz, I don’t understand.”

“Stay out of this Helvar,” Kaz spat, finally speaking up.

“Hey! You have no right to speak to him like that,” Nina scoffed. “I don’t understand what’s happening but this clearly isn’t Matthias’s fault.”

“Inej, you didn’t work with him, did you?” Bajan asked Inej now. They all turned to look over again.

Inej looked around guiltily but she remained firm. “I did. For you own good Bajan,” she said, her voice cracking. “What were you thinking!? I didn’t even believe it at first, but really? Scamming people out of money?”

Bajan shook his head furrowing his brows, he looked hurt. “No, you don’t get to do that Inej,” He told her. “Stop acting like I’m a bad person. You know me! Guess what I did for you at school, remember? I was the only one to stick up for you there. You know the amount of time I got suspended for getting to fights protecting you!? The hits I took? Stop acting like I’m a bad person Inej!”

“I never said you were!” Inej shouted back. “And I never asked you to do that!”

“You parents did,” Bajan confessed frustrated. “They asked me to look over you and guess what? I did!”

“So you can look out for me, but I can’t look out for you?” Inej snapped. Bajan rolled his eyes.

“You don’t need to get involved in this Inej!” Bajan shrieked. “Especially not with him.”

He pointed accusingly at Kaz who looked at them passively. But Matthias could see that he uncomfortable.

“I can’t believe you’re upset with me,” Inej huffed unbelievably. “This is no one’s fault but your own.”

“I want you to stay out of this Inej, and away from him,” Bajan ordered sending yet another jeering look at Kaz.

“I don’t think you get to dictate that Bajan,” Kaz broke his silence again.

“You, shut up,” He snapped at Kaz.

“I don’t wanna deal with this anymore,” Inej put her hands in surrender. “You don’t get to do the things you’ve done and act like this towards me.”

She pushed passed him and headed down the street of the corner shop. Her face was still firm but Matthias thought he saw tears in her eyes. He shot a look at Nina who looked concerned.

“Inej! Get back here,” Bajan called out. “Your parents will kill me if I leave you alone.”

The rest of the three stood there passively. Kaz seemed uncharacteristically quiet during the conflict.

“Please Inej! We’ll drive you home,” Bajan compromised. Inej stopped.

“Who?”

“Me? I’m guessing,” Kaz said, looking at Bajan. Despite Bajan clearly furious at him, there was still an air of superiority that Kaz had around him. Despite being clearly younger too. Matthias saw this often with Kaz though.

“Inej, just do it,” Nina spoke up too. “Please.”

Inej sighed and seemed like she didn’t want any more of a fuss. She walked back and quietly saying goodbyes to Nina and Matthias before walking towards Kaz’s car.

Matthias felt a crushing amount of responsibility for what just went down. He had only wanted to offer an opportunity to Kaz and now he felt like he just witnessed the death of a friendship between Inej and the Bajan guy.

I’ll ask Kaz another time.

“Do you need a ride home?” Matthias asked Nina after Kaz sped off.

Nina looked passively at him and spoke in an empty tone, “yeah probably.”

They barely spoke on the way back.

Chapter Text

Chapter eighteen: Inej

Saints strike them down

Inej thought cruelly as she sat in the backseat of Kaz’s car looking between the two of them. The silence in the car was deafening. It wasn’t the sweet comfortable silence that Kaz usually held either. It was tense and awkward. Inej refused to break the silence herself. She was furious at them both.

“You weren’t actually mugged, were you?” Kaz asked her, slicing through the quiet. Inej huffed.

“No, Matthias asked me to text you,” Inej informed him. She then realised that it was an utterly ridiculous idea and she became too embarrassed to fully explain it. “Nina stole my phone.”

Kaz didn’t respond and Inej cursed him again. The silence was thicker now, Inej felt like she could barely breathe. Even though she was rightfully angry at everyone in the car, it felt like all the responsibility fell on her. But she stood by her actions, no matter how much she doubted them.

“You can’t tell my Ma and Pa,” Bajan said now. Inej didn’t respond, she looked out the window. It had begun to rain.

“Inej,” Bajan said more desperately this time. Inej’s brows furrowed even further, she bit back tears.

“Okay,” she said, it was barely even a whisper but she knew everyone in the car heard it.

“Thank you,” he replied cordially and Inej looked over at him. He was gazing out the window too and frustratingly she couldn’t see his face. She looked up at the review mirror and caught eyes with Kaz who quickly ducked away.

“Turn here,” Bajan said. Though, Kaz already had his indicator on.

“I know,” was all he said taking the turn down her street.

“What do you mean you know?” Bajan said getting worked up again. “You’ve been to her house?!”

“Bajan! Shut up!” Inej snapped, pleading him to just be quiet for a second.

“No! Inej, he’s doing all this just to get at me!” Bajan said slightly hysterical. 

“Not everything is about you, Bajan,” Inej rolled her eyes, sick of his antics. She couldn’t listen to him any longer.

“Oh, but everything can be about you?” Bajan shot. Inej was taken aback. She felt as if her own insecurities had just been spat into her face. She began to feel exhausted.

For her whole life she felt like things just never went right for her. Not to say she wasn’t grateful for everything she did have. She thanked the saints everyday for her wonderful parents and lovely family, her beautiful friends, everything. But it seemed like for every win there was a loss. Every time she stood on her feet the universe tried to drag her back down. And when something knocked her over, everyone else in her life tumbled down like dominoes.

During her years of torment at her old school, her family suffered the consequences of every punch she took. She had so many memories of her Ma wailing into her Papa’s arms. She remembered waking up after being taken to ER for injuries and the look of defeat every time the police told them it was useless. She just wished that when life knocked her down she was able to protect her family from the pain. She didn’t believe she was a burden, but sometimes she believed that people might be better off without her.

Did Bajan not just yell at her saying that he wasted his years defending her at school? She recognised when she went Heleens school, that he would frequently get in brawls. She never realised they were for her. Bajan had suffered because she had suffered. Her parents let that happen.

Other thoughts swirled her mind. Did Bajan get into online scamming because of the brawls that he was in? Did he get into the wrong crowd of people because of these fights?

Did Bajan go down this path because of me?

“Shut the fuck up Bajan,” Kaz snapped. “We’re here.”

Surprisingly, Bajan didn’t freak out. Inej was unsure of what to do. She felt like there was an unfinished conversation to be had, but it was time for her to go.

“I’ll go with you,” Bajan told her. “Say hi?”

“No,” Inej spoke firmly. “I don’t want you in there.”

It was harsh but again so was he. She undid her seatbelt avoiding Bajan’s eyes. “Are you going to drive him home?” Inej asked Kaz, looking at him through the review again.

He nodded. “We have some more things to talk about,” he said ominously. Inej’s pit grew but she stepped out the car. She didn’t wave goodbye to them or even look back. She marched up her porch and into her house listening to Kaz’s car drive away.

Once it was gone she let her shoulders drop sadly. She unlocked the door and stepped in, kicking off her shoes.

“Back so soon?” Inej’s Ma said, walking to the hallway. “Did you have- Inej? Meja, what’s wrong?”

Inej shrugged helplessly. Her mother saw her shoulders sagged and immediately realised something was up. She should’ve known better than to think she could keep it from her Ma.

“I just-” Inej didn’t know where to begin. She couldn’t tell her Ma the truth. Indirectly, it would break her promise to Bajan. “I think I made a mistake. But I can’t tell you.”

Her Ma was silent for a second before Inej felt her arms wrap around her lovingly. “I’m sure you did what you thought was best at the time,” she whispered into her hair. “Whatever mistakes we make are in the past now. We can only change our present.”

Inej sunk into her mother’s embrace feeling the comfort she desperately needed in that moment. She let her mother hold her for a while before asking her the question she needed the answer to.

“Did you tell Bajan to look out for me at school?” She asked quietly.

Her mother broke away from the embrace to look at Inej’s face. She continue to stroke her hair as she asked, “What makes you ask that?”

Inej shrugged, “It doesn’t matter. Ma, did you know that he got into fights because of what you did?”

Her Ma closed her eyes and pulled away. “We asked him to look out for you, it’s true,” she confessed. “You have to understand. You were young and he was four years above you. The kids that were picking on you would listen to him.”

“But they didn’t!” Inej cried, before bringing her tone down again. “Bajan got in fights because of me. He got suspended because of me and I think he-”

“He what?” her mother asked quietly.

“It doesn’t matter. What matters is I feel this weight on my shoulders because I made someone’s life worse,” Inej explained desperately, knowing it was hopeless. Her mother would never try to see it from Inej’s perspective. To her, she was protecting her child.

“Meja, we were scared. You were always bruised and came home crying everyday. It was getting worse and the only family we knew was the Bajans,” her Ma pleaded to her frantically. “At that time it felt like… it was either Bajan protected you or-”

“Or what?” Inej exclaimed, voice breaking.

“Or you died!” Her mother cried. With that she burst into tears and Inej felt a rush of guilt. She hurried over to wrap her mother in a hug.

“Ma, I’m so sorry!” Inej began to cry quietly too. For a while they stood there holding in each other. Inej had buried her head in her mothers shoulder and she could feel her crying into her hair. Her mother mindlessly stroked her back.

“Auntie?” a young voice said from the stairs. “Is the chai ready?”

Inej and her mother broke apart and looked at the stairs where her youngest cousin stood. Asha was ten now but Inej still thought she looked like a baby. They wiped their tears and smiled at her.

“Of course, I was just offering Inej some,” her Ma laughed wetly. “Come.”

Her mother gestured to the small kitchen as she sniffled. Inej grabbed Asha’s hand and followed her in.

Inej didn’t want to go to school that morning. In fact she despised the thought of it. Yet she wouldn’t explain to her parents why she didn’t want to go.

So, she rolled out of bed and threw on her uniform. She kept her hair down, too exhausted to do anything with it and her eye bags were more noticeable that day. She didn’t have the energy to care.

She considered going late and skipping her homeroom with Jesper and Kaz. Inej didn’t even know if Jesper knew what was happening, and this fact made that class look even less desirable. She also didn’t want to see Kaz.

She wasn’t even all that mad at him. That was always the goal right? Confront Bajan? But she was frustrated he didn’t tell her. She had begun to think that maybe he trusted her, that maybe he understood the confliction she felt towards Bajan. But she was never in the picture, she realised. Kaz was never going to fully let her into the plan. It was her own fault for deluding herself into thinking that he would.

Nonetheless, he was the last person she wanted to see today. Well, maybe beside Bajan. She wouldn’t encounter him at least. Inej’s finger had hovered over Bajan’s contact last night. But she decided against it. It was still fresh, they would just continue arguing.

She considered calling Kaz oddly enough. Desperately wanting to know what happened between him and Bajan. But she knew he’d never tell her.

She was also worried about Nina. What would Nina say today? Would she be upset Inej had kept it a secret? Surely she would understand that it wasn’t Inej’s right to tell. Anyways, Nina knew about Kaz breaking Bajan’s window, it’s not like she lied to her. Right?

Alas her only saving grace was Wylan. He had not a clue in the world what was happening.

She ended up walking to the corner shop, and quickly Inej realised Nina wasn’t coming. Her anxiety grew even more. Maybe Nina was more upset than she thought. The crushing feeling of anxiety had returned to her as she walked to school.

Even with her headphone blaring music in ears, she could hear the sound of her heartbeat thumping loudly. The school was already bristling with people. Inej kept her head down as best as she could, walking through the school with the sound of chattering and laughing echoing down the halls. She gripped the strap of her backpack tighter as she walked.

Her heartbeat hadn’t slowed down and when she looked up at the crowds of people. She realised she didn’t recognise a single of them. They all had a blurry like complexion and she could barely tell anyone apart. Despite this, she recognised the voice of a familiar Zemini boy call out to her, he was with two other people. She couldn’t find a response in her static brain and ended up just walking past them, praying they saw her headphones.

She spotted down the hall, a boy with the mess of ginger curls she recognised. Wylan she thought in relief.

Mustering up all her courage she called out to Wylan from the down the hall. He spun around and caught her eye. For a brief moment she was certain he was walking over. However, something clouded in his face and Inej thought it looked like shame. With that, he awkwardly pretended he didn’t notice her and walked down the hall to the left.

Inej felt humiliated and terrified. She had no idea why Wylan ignored her and no idea how to fix it. She heard some snickering and realised some girls had noticed this embarrassing exchange. Her face flushed and her mouth felt dry and sticky. She had no idea what to do but suddenly she felt as thought she was back in the hall of her old school. Paranoia and fear, her primary emotions.

She needed to find the bathrooms and spun around before realising that a person was directly behind her. She ducked immediately and backed herself into the lockers to avoid a collision. Everywhere she turned there was a new obstacle. Looking up at the persons face she realised that this was a bigger obstacle than she thought.

“Ghafa, you look nervous,” Oomen grinned leaning into her mockingly.

Inej couldn’t even think of a response and decided it was better to stay quiet. Get it over with.

“Look, I just wanted to pass a message onto your new best friend, Kaz.” What?

“You saw that fucker trip me down the stairs,” He sneered. “I just want you to tell him ‘I haven’t forgotten about you and ya girlfriend. The two of you will get what’s coming. Especially the Suli bitch.’”

As he said it, he directed her attention to his pocket. Something sharp and shiny poked out. Inej’s stomach dropped. He had a knife.

With that he chuckled and shot a look over her shoulder at whom she assumed was Kaz. Before Oomen could leave she pushed past him and bolted for the bathrooms. She avoided touching any of the students in the hallway. The thought of even grazing their arms made her gag.

Finally, she reached the bathrooms and shut herself into a stall. She finally took a breath. It was incredible that she came into the school day with the worst expectations and still it had surpassed them. Everything had blown up.

Wylan and Nina were mad at her, she accidentally ignored Jesper, Kaz was still finding her and now Oomen wanted revenge? Why is this all happening at the same time?

Inej ended up spending her homeroom class in the bathrooms and only during the second lesson did she muster up the energy to attend her class. She was already ten minutes late so the hallways were relatively empty, she found her locker and began sorting through.

The sound of clicking of heels down the hallway caught her attention. She turned her gaze towards the sound. Mrs. Safin? 

“Inej? You haven’t been marked here for the last two lessons,” she told her, crossing her arms.

Great. “I’m sorry,” was all she could think of. “I’m going to this one.”

Genya looked at her with kind eyes. “Actually, honey, we have something booked for you right now,” She informed her.

Inej frowned, she wasn’t doing any extracurricular, what was booked?

“Just follow me to the office and we’ll get you sorted,” Mrs. Safin smiled happily and Inej put her things back in her locker and obliged.

Along the way to the office Genya spoke to her about everything under the sun. She seemed to be trying to make Inej feel more relaxed. Once they reached the office Inej took a seat where she always did and waited.

Genya returned a minute later with a Shu woman with blonde hair so bright it was practically white. She had never met her before.

“Miss Ghafa, nice to meet you,” the woman said. “I’m Alina Starkov, a counsellor at Ketterdam College.”

Inej fought a grimace. She remembered now that Mr. Van Eck had told her he scheduled a compulsory counselling meeting. He didn’t tell her when. Inej was weirdly grateful it was now.

“Nice to meet you too,” Inej said politely. She glanced awkwardly between the two of them. Genya and Alina shared a knowing look before Alina clapped her hands together.

“Well, lets get started shall we?” she said to Inej. “Follow me.”

With that Alina gave once last look at Genya, who sent her a wink. She walked back down the hallway and Inej followed her to her office. Upon entering, the room was so bright that Inej’s eyesight was temporarily blue before adjusting. The room had the most windows in the whole school Inej was sure. The walls were decorated with cut-outs of the sun, meadows and inspirational quotes. She guessed this might be considered a little cringy or a sort of forced positivity. But Inej had a feeling that this was genuinely how Alina presented herself.

“Take a seat,” Alina gestured to the room. “Wherever you want.”

She wasn’t kidding. There were seats of all kinds. There were normal desk chairs, beanbags, mushrooms chairs and funnily enough yoga mats. Inej took a seat on the desk chair. Alina followed her lead and sat opposite her.

“So, what should I do?” Inej asked.

“Just tell me whatever you want me to know. If you want to speak. If you don’t, I don’t mind,” Alina replied calmly.

“Well, what do you already know?”

“Nothing.”

Inej huffed.

“Seriously, I like to make my own impressions of people,” she explained. “I don’t want to know things you wouldn’t tell me.”

Inej could understand that, but she wasn’t sure she believed her. But looking at Alina now, she wasn’t entirely sure.

“So, do you want to talk?” Alina encouraged, reaching over to her desk and getting a clipboard ready.

Inej picked at her fingers and avoided eye contact with her counsellor. She’d had counsellors before, but could never afford to keep them. Her parents thought that one session was enough to change the trajectory of Inej’s life. Inej didn’t have the heart to ask them for more than one appointment. Especially with how much they struggled. She grew to understand that help was only temporary.

“I don’t know…” Inej decided to say. She felt as though she was disappointing Alina. How often did she get kids like her?

“Well, that’s okay,” Alina told her, her voice was naturally soothing. “We don’t have to speak. I’m aware that this session is mandatory, but what you do with this time is completely your choice.”

Inej nodded in response. Alina brought her legs up to the chair and crossed them in her seat. She looked at Inej intently before adjusting the clip-board on her knee. Inej could hear the pen scribbling but she the sound made no coherent lettering. She was doodling.

Inej decided to mirror Alina and bring her legs up to her seat too since this session was an hour.

For about fifteen minutes, Inej and Alina sat there in silence. Alina would occasionally look up at Inej to give an encouraging smile and return to her art in silence.

Then she wasn’t exactly sure what happened, but within the silence, Inej began explaining everything. She didn’t bring up things from her past school, or even the specifics of Bajan. But in detail, Inej told her everything that was going wrong that day, and the week before and the week before that. She couldn’t stop. Alina wasn’t scribbling anymore, she was listening and nodding along. Her pen was placed on the table.

By the time Inej looked up she saw that she had been talking for about half an hour. She paused, suddenly conscious of the amount of information she just told a complete stranger.

“It seems to me, Inej,” Alina finally spoke. “That you take a lot of responsibility that shouldn’t be yours in the first place.”

Inej laughed abruptly. That was fair. “Like, I take things to personal?” Inej asked.

Alina nodded thoughtfully, “What? Why are you laughing?”

Inej wiped her nose, “No, nothing just I’ve been told that before.”

“Mhm,” Alina smiled sweetly. “Inej, I believe that you are an incredibly selfless person.”

“Thank you,” Inej replied coridally.

“That isn’t always a good thing,” Alina stated, Inej shut her mouth. “I was once similar to you. I felt every action, every decision I made was for the good of others. Don’t go down that path Inej, it’s a lonely one. And don’t be afraid to do something for you. Stop doubting yourself, you’re stronger than you realise.”

There was a slight knock on the door and Genya’s head peeked in. “Hi girls, sorry to barge in but the session has ended,” she informed them. “Inej, it’s lunch break now.”

“Oh, okay,” Inej swallowed. Another pit of anxiety developed in her stomach, what would she do during this break?

“Inej, you can stay in here if you like,” Alina told her kindly. “Although the session is over, I can offer my room for you to stay in.”

Inej considered this heavily, it was ideal. She had no idea where Nina was, or why Wylan was avoiding her. Oomen was targeting her and she was completely alone at school once again. But she had lived this same scenario a million times before and she had survived each one of them.

She didn’t need to guess if she could do it. She knew she could. She had done it before. “I’m okay, Mrs. Starkov. Thank you,” Inej grinned finally. Alina smiled and winked at her as she left.

Inej marched out of the office with a new confidence. She would sit in the dining hall like she always did, it didn’t matter if she was alone.

But as she walked out she was immediately latched onto by a person she hadn’t seen. At first she thought it was a headlock, then she realised it was a hug.

“Inej! I’m so sorry I wasn’t with you for the start of the day,” Nina cried into Inej’s shoulder.

Inej patted her back reassuringly. “It’s not your fault Nina,” she told her. “Are you alright?”

“Me? I-” Nina then got cut off by a loud uproar that came from the dining hall. Kids began to rush down the hallway.

“What’s happening?” Inej frowned, moving slightly closer to Nina.

“I’m not sure…” Nina looked around at the energetic kids whooping and hollering in the halls. “Oi! What’s going on?!” Nina shouted to one.

“Holy shit guys! Kaz and Oomen fight in the dining hall!”

Chapter Text

Chapter nineteen: Jesper

Something happened.

Jesper thought suspiciously as he sat on his usual table with Matthias and Kaz. They were eating silently, which was not unusual considering their personalities. But Jesper had a feeling. He could sense it when would Matthias shot confused looks at Kaz and when Kaz shot him frustrated looks right back. Something happened.

Without me.

Jesper hated being kept in the dark. First Kaz had done it with his OWN scammer problem and now? Matthias and Kaz were keeping little secrets with each other?! What happened to inclusion? They were always a trio and if they were split into a duo it usually included Jesper.

“So…” Jesper drawled, playing with his Juicebox straw. “Do anything interesting this past weekend?”

Kaz and Matthias looked at each other again. Aha! It was this weekend!

“No,” they said simultaneously, before looking back at their food. Jesper narrowed his eyes. He knew he was never going to get it out of Kaz. Turning his gaze to Matthias, he planned to aim his efforts towards the weaker link.

“Why don’t you tell us about your date,” Matthias offered, not looking up. “With… um…”

“Madeline Michaud?” Jesper finished off, raising a brow.

“Ah, right Madeline,” Matthias said absentmindedly. “She’s uh, in Imogen’s group?”

“You’d be right, but she’s not bad. Just…boring,” Jesper waved it off. “Anyways! My weekend was dull. Surely, you all had a bit more fun, huh?”

Matthias coughed into his food, still not looking up. Kaz did. However, it was to glare at Jesper.

He threw up his hands, “Okay, what the fuck happened?!”

“You know?!” Matthias’s head shot up in surprise. He was wide-eyed like a bug before the table jolted and he winced, grabbing his shin. Kaz’s cane reappeared beside him.

“No! But I should, it’s my right!” Jesper exclaimed, clasping his hands together to plead. “Kaz please, you know I hate being left out, what happened?”

“It’s none of your business,” Kaz snapped, returning his eyes to the table as he leaned back.

“Isn’t it?” Matthias mumbled, but Jesper heard. “Because I’m pretty sure Inej said it had something to do with him.”

Kaz narrowed his eyes dangerously at Matthias, but he didn’t back down. “Are you going to tell us what exactly is going on?” Matthias grunted, he looked frustrated and a little concerned. Kaz didn’t respond to him.

“Fine then. Jesper?” Matthias turned to him now. Jesper frowned, looking between the two. “Do you know Bajan?”

Kaz closed his eyes, sucking in his cheek irritably. “People just can’t help themselves,” he muttered.

“Bajan?” Jesper repeated breathlessly. He sucked in a deep breath, feeling sick. Is that what this was about? Maybe Matthias had been scammed by him too, or Matthias spotted Kaz talking to him. Maybe Jesper was more involved than he thought.

“Yeah, Inej’s friend?” Matthias continued.

“Inej’s friend!” Jesper cried in despair. He turned to Kaz completely manic, who looked back at him expressionlessly. “What the hell? Kaz did you know?”

“I didn’t just know,” Kaz spoke slowly, as if carefully curating his response. “I used Inej to get him. They both found out about each others involvement yesterday.”

Jesper for once in his life was utterly speechless. He had started this off mostly for teasing. He had planned to make jokes for weeks about their new undying friendship, but now? Now, Jesper had been betrayed. Kaz knew all this and didn’t tell him? Worst of all, Matthias knew before him? Matthias wasn’t even involved! Did he find out himself, or did Kaz let him in on the secret? The chance it might be the latter filled Jesper with anger.

“Inej was helping me sneak through his laptop to find usernames. Eventually, I created my own account and let myself get lured by Bajan to his house. I then threatened him,” Kaz informed casually. Jesper's mouth hung open.

“I planned to take Inej out of it. But the genius over here and his girlfriend decided to use her phone to pretend she was in trouble,” he sent a gruelling glare at Matthias. “Considering who Bajan associates with and the timing, you can see why we were so concerned.”

Matthias no longer seemed appropriately angry, but guilty now. He sunk into his seat, thinking hard. Jesper, however, did not loose his frustration.

“Nina knew before me! Are you fucking serious!” Jesper shouted angrily, standing up. The room hushed slightly and people looked over at the outburst. Jesper wasn’t phased. “You selfish prick! You say that you’re doing this for me, bullshit. You get a sick sense of joy from this stuff. I can see it in your eyes. Just like when I have to beg you to be included in my own fucking problem!”

Kaz stood up now too. Despite being slightly smaller, he towered over Jesper. “What did I tell you? I involve you, the entire thing blows up in my face. Every. Single. Time,” Kaz hissed in his face. “Why would this be any different?”

“Well it blew up in your face anyways!” Jesper cried. “Maybe it’s not me, maybe it’s you and your shitty morals!”

Jesper and Kaz continued to stare each other down. Around them, Jesper heard whispers. People were sneaking glances over pretending to focus on their own food. Jesper saw someone approach them in the corner of his eye.

“Nice to see this bastard get put in his place. Well done Jesper.”

“Shut up Oomen,” Jesper and Kaz say with irritated sighs. He really had the worst timing.

He wore that stupid smug look that he always did when he was about to do something horrible. Jesper fought the urge to gag. He was truly an ugly guy, inside and out.

“Just while the emotions are high, Kaz, I’ve got a few words to say to you,” Oomen sneered. “Pretty sure you saw me in the hallway, chatting up Inej. Just thought I’d repeat what I said, incase the message wasn’t relayed by her.”

Jesper frowned and Kaz took deep, controlled breaths. Jesper could see he was at a tipping point. He took a step back.

Oomen leaned in, stupidly close to Kaz. “I haven’t forgotten how you tripped me and I’ll make sure you won’t either. I’m coming for you fucker,” Oomen spat. “I’ll make sure your bitch remembers it too.”

He didn’t have to say Inej’s name for Jesper to realise he had meant her. He was pretty sure Inej and Kaz weren’t together though. But then again, Jesper never knew anything.

A vein ticked in kaz’s neck as Oomen said this. For a second Jesper was surprised at his composure before, in a burst of action, he swung his fist out.

Oomen stumbled back clutching his nose with his hand. He growled angrily sprawled on the floor. The dining hall erupted into shouting and people began to crowd around the two of them. Jesper could see pure excitement on all of their faces. He also saw as Mr. J was being pushed outside of the circle of students, despite clearly fighting with all his might.

“C’mon Oomen,” Kaz laughed cruelly, opening his arms. “Give me a fight I can win.”

Oomen seemed furious but took his challenge and charged at Kaz slamming into his stomach. And just like that Kaz and Oomen were brawling. Kids were cheering and some were filming. Jesper looked at Matthias who had distanced himself from the fight. He looked worried.

Jesper wasn’t sure what to do. He was still furious at Kaz. Maybe he should break up the fight, but he continued to make no moves. He had learnt a long time ago that sometimes you just need to let Kaz let off some steam.

Somehow in a midst of the chaos, Jesper felt a swift change in the air beside him. Next thing he knew, Inej Ghafa was speeding past him towards the brawl. In a panic, he reached out to grab her. How did she even get through the crowd?

He missed her by an inch and she extended her arm to grab hold of Oomen. Jesper looked back to Matthias for help, but he was focused on something outside the crowd and began to leave. It was up to Jesper now, he turned back to Inej.

“Get off me! What the fuck!” Oomen cried as she climbed on his back putting him in a headlock.

“Stop the fight Oomen!” she shouted angrily not letting go. Kaz rose from the floor looking slightly bewildered as Oomen tried to swing her off him. She clung to him with surprising grip strength. Jesper rushed forward but it was too late. In one final spin she flew off.

“Inej!” Jesper cried out as she slid to floor. Oomen’s attention was still fixed on her as he walked forward. Jesper rushed towards them, shoving him as hard as he could. Conveniently, Kaz seemed to refocus and landed another painful punch to his face.

Jesper hurried to Inej’s side. Helping her up, he noticed a heartbreaking expression on her face. She seemed to be somewhere else entirely. “Inej! Are you alright?” Jesper asked and she didn’t respond. “C’mon, I’m getting you out. You look terrified.”

“No!” She exclaimed, retracting her hand from his. “You don’t understand Jesper. He’s got a knife!”

Jesper's face soured and dread rushed over him. He looked over his shoulder at the fight, to which Kaz seemed to be easily winning. But for how long?

“Don’t worry Inej, teachers are coming,” he reassured, though he wasn’t sure himself. The crowd was thick and rowdy, he was surprised Inej could get through.

“Jesper!” Inej pleaded desperately. He realised how horrible this must be for her. How she had been in this exact position. Too many times before, or maybe somewhere worse. He sighed.

“Stay here,” he instructed. Turning around, he charged for Oomen and Kaz. A strange sort of thrill ran through him, it was the thrill of danger. The possibility that Oomen might have a knife gave him another sort of adrenaline. He felt a similar way while playing rugby. The rush always came to him when things had the possibility of going horribly wrong. It wasn’t just rugby that made him feel that way, it was gambling too.

He reached out and grabbed Kaz off Oomen. Kaz stumbled back looking furious and shoved Jesper’s chest harshly, “What’s your problem?!”

“Kaz! Oomens got a-” as Jesper looked down to where Oomen lay he noticed that he had begun reaching into his pocket. Jesper attempted to put himself between Kaz and Oomen. Then he saw a flash in his peripheral vision again.

Inej had ran to the side of Oomen, now holding a lunch tray that she had half past her head. In one striking movement, she swung the tray directly into his face, hitting him painfully with the corner. Oomen crumbled again and Jesper realised that Inej had knocked him out.

Jesper had stilled in shock and he was sure Kaz had done the same. Through the crowd pushed Mr. Van Eck and Mrs. Nazalensky.

“Inej Ghafa!” Mr. Van Eck’s voice boomed. It was the angriest Jesper had heard him. “Put that tray down! Now!”

Inej looked up, still frantic she placed the tray on the floor. People surrounding them slowly quieted. The people at the front of the crowd attempted to filter out of view from the principal and phones were being placed back in pockets.

Zoya immediately began to take control of the crowd, ordering people to leave in single file lines to their classes. She pointed the way with her arm and the students listened to her every instruction. Glancing back at the scene, her cold expression faltered. Jesper swore he saw concern.

Mr. Van Eck stormed towards the four of them.

“Never in my fifty years of teaching have I ever- I’ve never been so…” he sputtered hysterically. Jesper thought he saw his hairline recede another inch.

Oomen began to stir again on the ground clutching his head. He looked and saw Mr. Van Eck. At first, he seemed panicked but in a quick change of expression he crumbled his face up.

“Ow! Sir, look what they’ve done!” Oomen yelled. “She- she knocked me out!”

Pointing to Inej, Jesper began to get worried she might throw up. She was clutching her stomach and her eyes were wild.

“I started the fight,” Kaz confessed, barely showing an ounce of remorse. “This was all me.”

“That's not true!” Jesper cried, he wouldn’t let either of them take the blame for this. “Oomen came over and threatened him. He has a knife!”

A look of fear crossed Oomen’s face but he scoffed. He stood with his head still in his hands. “Mr. Van Eck, look at me now. How can you believe that when I’m the only one injured?”

Mr. Van Eck rubbed both his hands across his face. “Well since none of you can agree on a single thing,” he snapped, turning around sharply. “My office, lets go.”

With that, Oomen stumbled dramatically after the principal. Jesper looked over at Inej who was devastated. He would’ve made a joke about it being the second time going to the office together but it wasn’t the time.

He turned his gaze to Kaz who was also looking at Inej. Jesper was still upset with him, but he wouldn’t let him get in trouble for the wrong thing. Kaz returned his gaze and Jesper looked away, following Mr. Van Eck.

The walk to the principals office was painfully quiet, except for Oomen’s dramatic grunts when he walked. Kaz had left his cane in the dining hall and wasn’t struggling that much. It was bullshit.

Once they got to the office, Mr. Van Eck ordered them all to go in separately to his office to recount what had happened. Genya had rushed to the first aid room to get Oomen an ice pack. Inej was first to go in.

“Cut the act Oomen,” Jesper groaned. “We know you’re not that injured. Except maybe a headache.”

“Easy for you to say, Fahey,” he spat. “You didn’t get knocked out by that crazy girl.”

“Haven’t you learnt a thing?” Jesper muttered, looking over at glowering Kaz. The rest of the time they sat in silence. Now that there were no teachers around, Oomen mostly stopped pretending. Except when either Van Eck or Genya came back. Finally Jesper was the last to be called in.

“Fahey, It hasn’t been long since we’ve seen each other,” Mr. Van Eck sighed, scribbling on something with a pen. “You’re known to be quite a storyteller, but please tell me what happened.”

What the fuck? “So, no matter what I say, you won’t believe me?” Jesper scoffed. “How’s that fair?”

“Jesper, please. Calm down,” he barked angrily. “I have no interest in arguing with you. Let’s finish this up, go on.”

Jesper let out a frustrated huff of breath. How could Wylan be related to this guy? He was horrible and Wylan was the polar opposite. Jesper remembered how Wylan talked of his childhood. He felt angry all over again.

Nonetheless, he told him everything. While he talked, Mr. Van Eck didn’t write the thing.

“Well, that’s quite a story you crafted there,” Mr. Van Eck snorted. “Unfortunately for you, after speaking with Oomen I was able to discover the truth.”

“What?” Jesper said.

“Seems the whole thing started from Inej. Classic story of the bullied becomes the bully,” Mr. Van Eck replied, taking off his glasses. “Oomen informed me Inej approached him at the start of the day and spread a nasty rumor. After spreading the rumor it was reported that Inej had a complusory meeting with Alina, which was convenient. When Oomen went to clear things up with Kaz, he didn’t take it well. Inej took the uproar as an excuse to attack him. A shame truly. She’s a skilful manipulator, but not to worry. She will be punished accordingly.”

Jesper’s mouth hung open hearing the most outlandish excuse of his life. How could the principal believe this? Jesper had never hated him more than now.

“That is bullshit, and you know it!” Jesper shouted. “Just because you’re scared of his father doesn’t mean you can excuse his behaviour!”

“Mr. Fahey!” Mr. Van Eck ordered him. “My decision has been made, Inej will be suspended for the next three days. Be silent now or you will too.”

He couldn’t do this! Wasn’t this abuse of power or something? Still, Jesper couldn’t take anything else on his permanent record. So, he shut his mouth.

Jesper was shaking with frustration when walking out of the office. Seeing Inej sitting on the bench she had sat on when Jesper first befriended her, he felt horrible. There was nothing he could do.

“Students, I have contacted all your guardians and they are on their way,” Mr. Van Eck announced. “As for punishments, a detention will be issued for you, Mr. Brekker. As for you, Miss. Ghafa you have been suspended from this point on for the next three days. You will not be permitted to enter the campus and you will not finish the day. Your parents will take you home when they arrive.”

Inej’s face fell into a crushed expression. She looked like she might say something before shutting her mouth promptly. Kaz stood in a rage.

“What about Oomen? huh?” Kaz snarled, gesturing to Oomens smug face. “He started this whole fucking thing and not a punishment for him?”

“Mr. Brekker, Oomen was able to inform me of Inej’s initial involvement and cause for the fight,” Mr. Van Eck sighed. “She fooled you both today, but that does not give you the excuse to attack your peers.”

“What? I never-” Inej sputtered in surprise.

“Inej, you spread that rumour this morning. Don’t lie,” Oomen mumbled to her, Inej was bewildered.

“Fucking liar! Inej hates gossip. What makes you think she would ever spread one?” Jesper said pleadingly.

“As I told you, bullied becomes the bully,” Mr. Van Eck remarked irritably. “I’m aware of your situation, Miss Ghafa. But it is an explanation, not an excuse.”

“She didn’t do shit and he knows it!” Kaz snapped, furious again. “Give me the suspension, I don’t care. But don’t let this fucker free, he’s spent far too long at this school harassing the girls and fighting with the boys. Just because his father is your fuck buddy, doesn’t mean he gets a free pass. Especially if your own son doesn’t have one.”

Mr. Van Eck turned bright red with rage. “Do not speak of my family to me, Brekker,” he simmered. “Detention for the next week.”

Kaz was about to retort back, probably going to actually earn himself a suspension, when the office door opened. Inej’s parents walked in chatting quietly with each other. They were the first to arrive.

“Mr. and Mrs. Ghafa,” he acknowleged. “I’m sure you’ve seen the message.”

Judging from the Ghafa’s devastated expressions they did. Jesper felt sick.

“Right, I will schedule a meeting for further discussion after Inej’s suspension is over,” he told them. “For now, Oomen I need to speak with you again. Genya, please handle this. I will speak with parents shortly.”

Jesper looked over to Genya. She scowled to herself then stood from her chair. Jesper felt useless standing in the hallway, yet again with Inej’s parents. He hoped they didn’t remember him.

However, they didn’t spare him a glance. Inej’s mother began speaking quietly with Mrs. Safin and Inej’s father wandered over to where Inej was sitting. She didn’t raise her head.

“Oh Inej,” he sighed, placing a hand on her shoulder. “What are we going to do with you?”

Chapter Text

Chapter twenty: Wylan

I can’t believe he’s doing it.

“You suspended Inej?” Wylan asked incredulously. He was sitting with his father and Alys at the dinner table on Monday night. He had been silently eating his food when Alys brought up the fight. To which his father told him the punishments each student recieved. Surprise, surprise Oomen got nothing.

But Inej? She got suspended. The only person at the school who took a chance on Wylan and befriended him. The only who knew his secret and had not belittled him for it, or even mention it for that matter.

“Of course I did boy,” His father snapped irritably. “She was clearly the instigator and her direct actions seriously injured Oomen. We are lucky his father isn’t suing.”

“Well surely he wouldn’t sue the school, darling!” Alys gasped. “Aren’t you two quite close?”

Van Eck rubbed his forehead, taking deep breaths. “Alys, that is besides the point,” he sighed.

“Which is?” Wylan clipped. His father looked at him disapprovingly and Wylan retracted into himself again. His brief confidence diminished. What was he thinking, talking back like that?

“I do not wish to speak of school matters outside of school,” His father bit out.

Wylan nodded dutifully and tilted his head back down to his food. He was less hungry now.

An angry part of him wanted to scream at his father and demand he call Inej’s parents to tell them it was a mistake. He felt considerably guilty too. For the last couple days, Wylan had been tackling with the prospect of someone outside of his family circle aware of his issue. At first, he was nervous that Inej might begin teasing him when he saw her next. But knowing her and who she was, Wylan was sure that was out of the question. However, seeing her in the hallway that day freaked him out and he accidently avoided interaction. Now his father just suspended her. Inej must hate him by now.

He didn’t know the specifics of what happened, but he was sure of one thing. Inej was no instigator. It was ridiculous that the second Wylan got a friend, his father had ruined it. He thought of the courage that Inej had displayed when she left Imogen’s table that fateful day. Mustering up the will, he looked up at his father again.

“Inej didn’t do anything,” Wylan told him. “And you’re wrong for suspending her.”

Alys and his father fell silent. Looking at him with mild surprise. Van Eck’s forehead began to crinkle as his shock twisted into something more familiar.

“Excuse me?”

“Inej is the first person to ever take a chance on me at Ketterdam College,” Wylan said with a shaking voice. “She’s a good person and she would never hurt somebody unprovoked.”

Van Eck shifted in his seat directing his attention to Wylan. Narrowing his eyes and spoke carefully, “Are you calling Oomen a liar, Wylan?”

“Yes.”

“Then you’re also saying I’m incompetent?” His father sneered. “That I can’t do my job properly?”

Wylan didn’t say anything

“Go to your room.”

Wylan didn’t move.

“Now! Get out of my face!” His father shouted suddenly slamming his fist on the table. Alys and Wylan jumped back. “I don’t want to see you for the rest of the night. Go think about what you’ve just said. Disgusting. I can’t look at you.”

His father sat down throwing his serviette on the table, Wylan flinched. He felt his temporary courage slowly drain.

Wylan inhaled sharply and bolted to his room. Walking out of the hall, his housemaid shot him a sympathetic look. He smiled weakly and brushed past her darting up the stairs. He finally reached the comfort of his room and shut the door. Wylan slid to the floor, forcing himself to take large breaths.

He covered his face with his hands, but he did not cry. He wasn’t sad anymore, he was scared. Scared that his father would come up to his room after dinner. Scared that Inej would never forgive him. He was always so scared and he was sick of it. Always tilting his head down no matter if he was at school or his own house. He had barely known a time without fear. After his father had figured out Wylan couldn’t read it was never safe. He grew up with his head hung and he didn’t know how to raise it.

He sat on the floor for hours before a slight knock on the door make him jump. Here he is.

“Wylan, it’s me,” his housemaid whispered through the door.

Wylan stood slowly and unlocked it. He opened it an inch and saw her hunched over outside with a plate in her hand.

“Ya didn’t finish dinner,” she said softly. “Thought you might be hungry.”

Wylan fully opened the door now, staring at the food. His stomach grumbled. “Thank you,” he muttered, taking the plate.

“Anytime love,” she winked before glancing around and scurrying away. Wylan watched her go sadly.

He took his leftover mash and steak into his room, shutting and locking the door.

He finished his food alone in his room, watching TV.

Wylan walked into school the next day with a gutted feeling. He passed Inej’s locker and felt a pang when she wasn’t beside it, waving. She probably never would again.

He wondered what she was doing now. Was she crying alone in her room? He couldn’t handle it if she was. Knowing that it was all his fault. His shoulders sunk even further and guilt continue to grow on his back.

As he continued down the hallway, he came across Jesper, hesitating before him. He had been contemplating going up to him and asking what really went down. Would he get angry at Wylan though? Did he not want to talk about it? Wylan noticed that for once Jesper wasn’t with Kaz, he was talking with a group of rugby boys. In a coincidence, Jesper looked to him as if he’d known exactly where Wylan happened to be standing.

“Rich boy?” Jesper called out. “What’s up?”

Wylan shrugged lamely and winced as the three rugby guys swivelled to look at who Jesper was talking to. Jesper uttered something to them and bounced off the wall towards Wylan.

“C’mon lets go to your locker,” Jesper suggested, walking beside Wylan now.

“What about your friends?” Wylan asked.

“Eh, I don’t care. I was getting bored,” Jesper shrugged, Wylan noticed that he was significantly less energetic today. He was missing his Jesper spark and there was nothing in his step. In fact, looking at him, he had shadows around his eyes and his hair was sticking out everywhere. Had he slept?

“Done admiring me?” Jesper smirked down at Wylan.

“Nice to see you’re still teasing me. I got concerned there,” Wylan sighed, but his suspicions stayed. Jesper looked really unwell.

“Concerned?” Jesper inquired.

“You seem upset Jesper,” Wylan whispered. “Are you alright?”

Jesper paused, he looked down at Wylan and studied him. He plastered a strange unnatural smile on his face. “Of course I am!” He exclaimed, putting more emphasise on his walking now. Wylan rolled his eyes.

“You’re not fooling anyone,” Wylan said. Jesper didn’t respond to him at all. He seemed to have spotted someone and immediately turned his head away, wearing an angry expression. Now he didn’t look like Jesper at all.

Following his gaze, Wylan saw Kaz walk past. Oddly enough, Kaz wasn’t the angriest out of the two of them. Kaz saw as Jesper stuck his nose up at him and looked away. Wylan had rarely seen them act like this. He heard they had an argument before the Oomen fight, but he assumed it was another one of their sibling-like quarrels.

“What was-” Wylan asked incredulously.

“Just- don’t worry. This is your locker right?” Jesper cut him off, gesturing forward down the hall.

“Yes. but-”

”Great, I’ve gotta go. See ya,” Jesper announced and promptly turned away from him. Wylan scoffed, shrugging his bag off his shoulder.

“Dick,” he muttered and shoved his things into his locker.

The rest of the day was as lonely as it was at the start. Walking into the dining hall, he noticed that Nina was not there that day. He noted that Kaz wasn’t either and Jesper was sitting with the rugby boys again. Wylan stiffened as he felt someone walk up beside him.

“Messy isn’t it?” Matthias admitted.

“I don’t understand,” Wylan sighed defeatedly.

“A lots going on Wylan, for everyone. Best to stay out of it,” Matthias advised. He turned to look at him, he had a troubled look on his face. “Do you want to sit with me and Jesper? I know Nina’s not here.”

Wylan hesitated and looked over at the boys who were now shouting wildly at each other. “I think I’m okay. Thank you Matthias,” with that he turned around and left the dining hall.

He followed his usual route to the arts section. Walking swiftly, he dodged students, trying to disappear like usual. Finally, that large angular wooden building appeared in his view. He jogged to reach the sliding door.

The main arts room was generally empty. But it was still one of the prettiest buildings in the school. It was the most modern too. Every wall had an array of windows with colourful framing and none of the seats were conventional. It was two stories high to fit all the arts inside, but they rarely got used. Sometimes, Wylan would practice the flute during breaktime because the musical rooms were soundproof. Or sometimes he would just sit in the art or film room. Always alone. Well mostly.

“Wylan?” a voice from the front desk said.

“Hi, Mr Kostyk,” He greeted weakly.

“Haven’t seen you here in a while,” David said, shuffling his papers in hand. “You know you can’t eat in here.”

He gestured to Wylan holding his lunch-tray of food. Wylan shut his eyes tightly. “Please don’t make me go back to hall,” he said quietly.

David fell silent and Wylan couldn’t look at him.

“Of course I wont, next time though…” David trailed off, not knowing what to say. He was always bad with punishments, even as a head teacher.

“I understand,” Wylan nodded eagerly.

“Well…” David said, looking around and waving him off. “Feel free to do what you usually do.”

He stood from his position behind the desk and sped off into the art room. Wylan wondered what new models David had drawn up that day.

During Wylan’s lonely lunchtimes, after eating in the dining hall, he’d come to the art sector. At the beginning he’d always be alone. Then something must've changed because David began to visit the art room during breaks too. He’d barely acknowledge Wylan besides a passive hello. He would always be scribbling frantically on a page. Wylan found out David was the head teacher in science and math. However, he seemed to spend the majority of his time in the design and technology section or the arts room.

One day, Wylan walked in on David using the whiteboard instead of papers. The board was covered in calculations from top to bottom, almost incoherent with how small the writing was. Wylan approached him and pointed out a error in his calculations. David laughed and thanked him. He seemed to take a liking to Wylan after that and frequently probed him on things. David used to be only person he talked to all day at school.

But Wylan had been visiting less, and he supposed David didn’t mind. Maybe he was glad that Wylan had found some friends. This was also why it was embarrassing to see David after all this time. Right back where he started,

Wylan walked into one of the music rooms and turned off the lights. He ate his food alone again on the floor. He could hear the echoing sounds of shrieks and laughter from the oval, cascading down the courtyard. Wylan felt indescribably alone.

Pulling out his phone he checked for messages. Nina hadn’t told him that she wasn’t coming and Inej hadn’t texted him since the other day. It was all too predictable.

Finally, Wylan felt his eyes well up with tears. He put his food down and hugged his knees to his chest and sobbed.

Was it always supposed to end like this? A story that had already been written? Was he destined to always be alone, no matter what? He felt stupid for being hopeful, for thinking that everything was going to change the day that Inej and Nina had both decided to sit with him. He was so optimistic, even his fathers degrading remarks couldn’t touch him.

Jesper too. Hanging out with him made Wylan feel like a real teenager for once. Everywhere he’d turned he was making friends. Now, as he glanced around again, he was alone. In the blink of an eye, he had lost all his progress and he felt lonelier than before.

Through his tears, in a pathetic final attempt at keeping what he gained. He messaged Inej.

Tuesday 11:15 am

I’m so sorry.

He watched the message pend for what felt like forever. He felt a sob reach his throat. With that he slammed it on the floor and hid his face in his knees again. He wish he hadn’t eaten the horrible lunch food, he felt sick now.

Through the ringing in his ears, he heard something. A vibration beside him shook him out of a daze and he lifted his head slowly. He picked up his phone and sniffled, wiping his nose. He played the audio message aloud.

Inej Ghafa

Tuesday 11:16 am

Wylan. What have I told you? We are not our fathers. I’ll see you on Monday, love. Take care <3

Wylan blinked and rubbed his eyes to make sure he was reading it right. He felt his mouth twitch upwards and his shaking breaths turned into a scoff. He took a deep breath and looked up to the grey ceiling. She wasn’t upset?

He then started laughing, maybe sort of manically. He was ridiculous and he realised his dramatics could be paralleled with Jesper. He laughed even harder. It was silly but he was so immensely relieved he didn’t care how insane he looked laughing by himself.

Tuesday 11:16 am

Do you know where Nina is?

He waited for her response and he saw her typing.

Inej Ghafa

Tuesday 11:16 am

She isn’t there?

Tuesday 11:17 am

No?

Inej Ghafa

Tuesday 11:17 am

She hasn’t texted me. All good, I’ll call her.

Tuesday 11:18 am

Hope she’s okay!

Wylan looked up from his phone and frowned. So Nina wasn’t ignoring only him? It wasn’t like her to cut communication with Inej, was it? A wave of concern for not just Inej but Nina arose. Where was she?

He considered what Matthias said, “A lots going on Wylan, for everyone. Best to stay out of it,”

Did Matthias know something? What happened with Nina?

Chapter Text

Chapter twenty-one: Kaz

How does Bajan get anything done with this connection?

Kaz questioned to himself, whilst scrolling through Bajan’s laptop again. It was Friday morning, Inej’s last day of suspension and Kaz’s last day of his sequence of detentions he earned for speaking up in her defense. He didn’t regret a thing.

In actuality he had been wagging school for most of those days, only going back for his detentions at the end of the day and sneaking into the office to change his attendance records. He didn’t really see a point in going. He also didn’t trust himself not to kill Oomen when he saw him.

Not just Inej’s suspension or his fight with Oomen, but Jesper’s silent treatment made school unideal. He had no interest in dealing with Jesper’s fit over not being included. A deep part of him knew that attending school without interacting with Jesper would be difficult. Not that he cared that much, he just hadn’t done it in many years. It was a routine thing.

Either way, the reasons for not attending school were piled higher than the reasons to go. Which was none. This gave him more time to plan with Bajan as well. Something that had become much more personal to him than just earning the money back for Jesper.

He wasn’t sure why he was surprised at first, finding out about Pekka’s involvement in something so vile. He may have fooled the rest of Ketterdam into believing he was healing and returning to his domestic life for his son. But Kaz called his bullshit, it was satisfying to know he was right. Everyone else seemed to have forgotten about the tragic story of the champion hurler who died with a needle in his arm. But Kaz hadn’t. He’d never forget how Pekka ruined Jordie.

Now Kaz had his chance. What he had been waiting for. Kaz was ready to destroy Pekka as he did his brother. No longer would he sit idly in the corner of the pub, observing Pekka’s innocent persona. He’d no longer have to cope with Pekka walking mindlessly past him with no recognition of his features. No, he would remember Kaz soon enough.

“What are you smirking about?” Bajan asked, placing a cup of tea beside him. “Did he respond in the chat?”

Kaz shook his head. “No, how long does it take for them to respond standardly?” Kaz inquired, moving the mouse to exit the app.

“Er, maybe like two to three business days?” Bajan replied, taking a seat next to Kaz on the kitchen counter. Bajan took a sip of his tea before spitting it out again. “Hot.”

Kaz sighed in disappointment. He really had no idea what he was up against. Kaz knew this would need more than just the two of them.

“Anyways, what were you smiling about then?” Bajan grinned, raising his brows.

“Don’t try to be friendly with me Bajan,” Kaz scoffed. “We aren’t friends, we aren’t even acquaintances. l don’t have any intention of speaking with you outside business.”

Bajan’s smile dropped and he placed his tea down, moving away from him. “Dick,” he muttered.

Kaz didn’t care. He preferred to keep things realistic, Bajan’s feelings were the last ones he needed to protect. Not that he really protected anyone's, not recently anyway.

Suddenly, Bajan’s phone buzzed. They both snapped their heads at the sound. Bajan looked at Kaz. Kaz rolled his eyes. “Check it,” he sighed. Bloody useless.

Bajan snatched his phone up and opened it. His shoulders sagged, “Just Inej.”

Kaz’s attention heightened, “What’d she say?”

Bajan looked at him oddly before shrugging. “I don’t know, like, family stuff. You know she got suspended right?” he laughed. “Apparently she hit someone. Thank the Saints! Took her long enough to snap.”

Kaz’s expression hardened but he kept his tone clear. “Yeah, I was there when it happened,” he said, turning back to the laptop. “The guy deserved more than just that. But she shouldn’t have been suspended.”

The most aggravating thing recently was that his mind had been full of Inej and not his plan. After his couple hours of rest, he would wake up and think of her, when he was with Bajan he would think of her, sitting in detention he thought of her.

It wasn’t usual thoughts either, like questioning why she attacked Oomen for him, or why she took the blame. Although those thoughts had frequently crossed his mind. It was stranger ones he found himself contemplating. What was she doing now? Was she upset, crying? Did her family console her or reprimand her? Did she eat breakfast? Has she left her room?

Why he cared about those things, he wasn’t sure. He had a theory that maybe his years of doing bad deeds had come back to haunt him. Maybe he finally gained a conscious. It was possible because he had spent the last few days feeling guilty. Not just for Inej’s suspension, but for blindsiding her about Bajan. He wasn’t sure why he felt the need to be guilty for this, after all, he never promised to tell her anything other than what she needed to do.

Nonetheless, he felt as though their argument was because of him, rather than Bajan’s own bad decisions.

It was safe to say that Inej had once again occupied his mind. He was able to get it under control for a little while, focusing on his progress with the scammers online. She trickled back into his mind after she had texted him about being mugged. But when she had whacked Oomen over the head with the lunch tray, she had gained all his attention once again.

Bajan sighed, his face was thoughtful. For once. “I’m just surprised that it’s now,” he told him. “Why not during the years at her other school? Might’ve saved me some suspensions myself-”

“I think I’m done here,” Kaz announced, slamming the laptop. “Call me when they respond and I’ll schedule a time to meet again.”

Bajan seemed confused by his abrupt farewell but nodded along. “Yeah, okay. Uh, what about your tea?” he asked lamely.

Kaz frowned. Bajan seemingly had plenty of friends from Kaz’s research. So, why was he always so desperate to get Kaz to stay? It felt suspicious. He was always careful with his words in the house in case of microphones, but maybe he should suggest another meeting place.

“I don’t like tea,” he lied. He was about to escape when he was stopped.

“Kaz?” Bajan called out.

Kaz spun around again, phone in hand. “Mhm?”

“Inej’s suspension?” Bajan crossed his arms suspiciously. “Did you have anything to do with it?”

“It wasn’t my fault, but I did just say I was there,” Kaz stated frustratedly.

Bajan’s expression faltered. He seemed to be less concerned. However, Kaz was sure he knew what was going through his mind. ‘He’s planning on using Inej against me.’

“Hey, Bajan? Do me a favour and tell her I need to speak with her soon,” Kaz said. Bajan scoffed loudly and sputtered angrily. Kaz missed this resentment from him.

“Fuck off Brekker,” Bajan scoffed. “Just leave her alone.”

“I need to speak with her about the guy she attacked,” Kaz rolled his eyes. “Nothing about you, relax.”

Bajan turned his back muttering something about asking her himself. Kaz was grateful for the permission and he left victoriously. He began making his way down the road.

Ever since Kaz had first started working with Bajan, he made sure to never park close to him. Partly in case his parents came home, but also in case someone spotted him there. He wasn’t sure about the identities of the people who worked with Bajan, so that meant it was everyone. Kaz wasn’t taking chances.

He pulled out his phone after crossing the road into the park and found Inej’s contact. He hesitated on the messages, realising he didn’t know how to start. He had been contemplating on what to say to her when he saw her again. But now that he had the chance, he came up empty. He was joking about visiting Inej to get under Bajan’s skin, but maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea.

Kaz wasn’t sure why this was so difficult. He lifted his head and noticed that he had stopped walking.

Looking around, he wondered where he would go. Detention wasn’t for another four hours. He thought of going to school, approaching his old street friends, visiting the Emerald Palace or attending the rugby training. Thinking about it, Kaz constantly had a list of things he needed to do.

Despite this, he pulled out his phone and sent a message to Inej.

Friday 10 am

I’m coming to your house.

With that, he shoved back his phone in his pocket and marched towards his car again. Climbing in, he felt his phone buzz and pulled it out again quickly.

Inej Ghafa

Friday 10:06 am

Oh okay? Why are you coming over again?

He sent one more message before starting his engine and driving off.

Friday 10:06 am

I’ll be there in 10 minutes.

Kaz sat in his car outside the Ghafa house, looking through his window for any spot of life. There were no cars in the driveway, but he knew she was home. He checked the message.

Inej Ghafa

Friday 10:06 am

Sure… message me when you’re here.

He sent a quick message, before climbing out of the car. He shoved his hand into his jacket pockets and walked up the driveway to the front door. It was strange, he had only observed her house from far away. It was different seeing it up close.

He reached her front door and before he could knock, the door swung open and Inej stood on the other side of it.

“Hi,” she waved, smiling but it was strained.

“Hello?” he replied, raising a brow. He tore his eyes from her glancing inside the house a little bit. He wondered if anyone was home.

“No one’s home. Well, except one of my cousins but he’s sick and sleeping,” Inej informed him, reading his mind. “My parents and uncle are at work till evening and my auntie is on an excursion with my little cousin, she’s twelve.”

Kaz nodded along as she explained. He wasn’t sure why that was relevant but he didn’t interrupt.

“Oh, you can come in by the way,” she said moving aside to make room, gesturing to the coat rack. “You can hang your jacket there, or keep it on I don’t mind of course.”

“So free house?” he questioned, he looked at her teasingly. “Is that the only reason you’re letting me in?”

Inej rolled her eyes, “My parents wouldn’t mind if you were here. They met you, remember?”

She walked past the stairs into what Kaz assumed to be the kitchen. He decided to not take off his jacket. The place was incredibly small for the amount of people that lived there. But well kept, mostly. It was also very decorated. He pushed the beaded curtain out of his way as he followed her.

“Do you want some chai?” Inej asked, pouring a cup.

“Sure, I like tea,” he told her. Looking around, he noted the fridge and walls being littered with photos. It was either baby photos, school photos, travel photos, or photos of the Saints. He watched as Inej fussed about the stove with only the faint hum of the fridge and the clinking of cups filling the quiet. He shoved his hands in his pocket again, feeling as though his mere presence was draining the room of life.

After pouring both Kaz and herself a cup, Inej leaned against the thin kitchen island in the room.

“You’ve been passing time making drinks?” Kaz asked, leaning against the island too.

“No, obviously,” she turned and rolled her eyes. “I’ve not been doing much really. I think I needed the break, even under the circumstances.” She looked up at him sheepishly before darting her eyes away, “Sorry, that was-”

“You're being honest, who cares?” Kaz reassured her, taking his cup. “I didn’t come here to listen to you lie.”

Inej played with the tiles on the counter absentmindedly, “So why did you come here, Kaz?”

He paused, unsure what to say. It was a valid question. One he had been ignoring in his brain. To talk about Bajan? To talk about Oomen? To give her the opportunity to shout at him, or hit him? Maybe he didn’t fully know why. Or maybe he wanted to see her. To check up on her, and make sure she was fine. He hated that this was the reason, and he knew he could never tell her this. He wished he could apologise, but he wouldn’t. That would be admitting he did something wrong, and he was sure he didn’t. Inej wouldn’t accept it anyway.

“To talk,” he decided to say. “About Oomen.”

She nodded looking at him closely, she didn’t object. However, something glazed over her eyes. Kaz recognised it as a disappointment. Had she hoped for something else? Why was she holding hope for him?

“Why did you hit him Inej?” Kaz sighed, rubbing his forehead. “He wasn’t going to win, and I would’ve taken the suspension.”

Inej shook her head adamantly, “No, Kaz you don’t understand. When he cornered me that morning, he told me how angry he was at us both. He told me he had a knife and when I heard you two were fighting…”

Kaz felt his mood darken hearing about Oomen cornering Inej. He had seen this occur and saw her storm off. He assumed it was another attempt to befriend her. “He threatened you?” he asked calmly.

“Well…” Inej turned her gaze to the stove again. “I guess technically. Mainly it was directed towards you.”

“Tell me what he said,” Kaz said, his knuckles tightening around his cane.

Inej stiffened a little bit, “He just said that he hadn’t forgotten about you tripping him and that you’d get what’s coming to you. Then he said that included me.”

Kaz clenched his jaw slightly. Who was he to threaten someone two sizes smaller than him? Pathetic and cowardly. He couldn’t have approached Kaz himself? He had to involve Inej. Kaz thought about what he read on his computer all those nights ago, about Inej’s assault cases and her failed police reports and he felt angry all over again. Inej had come to Ketterdam College to escape the torment and Oomen had just forced her to relive it all over again. Worst of all no one believed her, yet again. Kaz decided that Oomen hadn’t gotten even half of the beating he deserved. Maybe he might have to skip detention that night.

“Next time something like that happens, come straight to me,” Kaz instructed her, Inej turned around and met his gaze.

“Well, I was going to warn you about-”

“I don’t care if it involves me or not. If someone approaches you like that and threatens you again,” Kaz said as calmly as he could. “Come straight to me.”

Inej fell quiet now, she was looking at him curiously. Her brows were furrowed and she looked unsure, like she thought he was making a joke out of her.

“Why?” was all she said now.

Kaz took a large intake of breath, he shrugged. “It’s the least I can do.”

Inej's face didn’t relax, she took a sip of her tea. “Because of Bajan?”

Kaz looked away from her and out the stained-coloured window, he pondered how he got in this position. How he was standing in a girl's house promising to take care of her after meeting her that year. Was it that he thought he owed it to her? Or did he just want to do it?

“Partly,” he said in a low voice. Turning his gaze back to Inej, her face was much softer.

“Thank you,” she said in almost a whisper. “But I can’t let someone else throw their life away to protect me. I’m fine Kaz, really.”

Kaz fought an eye roll, he didn’t want to push her but he wasn’t going to listen to her either. Long before he was in here and long before this day even came, Kaz had decided to keep an eye on her. She hadn’t even known it, maybe he didn’t either.

“Fine,” he clipped shortly, trying not to sound frustrated.

“Kaz,” Inej said, sounding a little more sure. “I want to talk about Bajan.”

Kaz sighed and began to drum his hands on the countertop, “Thought you might.”

“I know I’m not technically involved anymore. Or I’m just not participating,” Inej told him earnestly. “But, I want you to keep me informed about what is going on.”

“Inej-”

“No, let me finish,” Inej snapped, Kaz felt his eyebrows raise. “If you want to do something for me, this is it. I have a right to know, Bajan is basically my family and you involved me the minute you knew this. The minute you saw the opportunity, you took it and I’m not holding it against you. But I will if you remove me because you don’t need me anymore. Bajan will never tell me anything and you are the only person who might.”

Kaz considered this. It might be astronomically stupid of him to include Inej. But what were the risks? She might tell someone? She had already proved this most likely wouldn’t happen. There was also no risk of her getting caught. Not only because she technically wasn’t doing anything, but also because of her unknowing skill. Also in the short time he worked with her, he realised that her opinions and suggestions were actually quite useful. He valued her opinion.

“Wouldn’t Bajan be upset?” Kaz countered, after thinking for a moment.

“Bajan can’t be mad, because he wouldn’t know” Inej replied swiftly. “We wouldn’t tell him.”

Kaz couldn’t help but grin, “You’ve become real troublesome. Is the suspended life getting to you already?”

Inej rolled her eyes, “Be quiet. So are you going to let me in?”

Kaz’s eyes glinted with amusement before he nodded shortly. Inej’s face lit up, she looked extremely satisfied. Kaz felt his mouth twitch upward as he watched her smile grow. Then a loud, ringing alarm went off in the house and Inej seemed to snap out of a trance.

“Oh! I need to make my cousin lunch, he’s sick,” Inej gasped, she turned and began frantically pulling out things from the shelves. Kaz glanced at his watch.

“Mhm, actually my detentions soon anyways,” Kaz announced, standing from the stool. “I should be leaving.

Inej turned around with a pan in her hand. “What? Are you sure? You haven’t finished your chai,” Inej said, she looked slightly disappointed.

“Yeah, I’ll see you Monday,” Kaz told her, grabbing his cane. “Don’t enjoy your suspension too much.”

With that, Inej rolled her eyes and waved him off. Kaz sighed amusedly and left the way he came. Turning around to look back at Inej frantically cooking in the kitchen, he spotted a boy sitting on the stairs in his pyjamas. Kaz paused, looking passively at him. He supposed this was the sick cousin. He was glaring at him.

“Who are you?” he hissed.

“A ghost,” Kaz replied shortly.

The boy scoffed, rolling his eyes. “I’m old enough to know ghosts don’t exist.”

“Don’t they?”

The boy's frown deepened, and then his face split into a grin. Kaz gave a narrowed look and left the house.

As Kaz climbed into his car, he reached into his pocket and flipped his phone out. His hand hovered over the call button of an old contact. Hearing that Oomen not only attacked Kaz but threatened Inej had made his anger towards him grow into pure hatred. He knew Oomen thought he had gotten away with it, maybe so far he had. Kaz needed to change that.

He also needed an in. Kaz may need their help soon enough.

He knew Colm would be disappointed with him, and he tried to shove him out of his mind. This was necessary. He pressed call.

“Ayy, lad!” the old voice crackled. “What ya up to?”

“I need a favour,” Kaz said.

“Sure, sure,” he laughed. “As ya know there’s always something you gotta do for me in return.”

“Of course, I know this,” Kaz scoffed. The voice laughed in return. “I’ll send you the name and address. This guy needs a lesson.”

“Say less, boy.”

Chapter Text

Chapter twenty-two: Nina

Can she just leave me alone?

“Nina open this door right now!” Her mother screamed from the door.

“Go away!” She yelled back angrily and walked over to her stereo, turning the volume up higher to block out her ma.

“Nina! This is not a mature way to handle an argument!” Her mother continued to yell. Nina saw the door knob shaking.

“I don’t have to be mature, I’m a child!” Nina shouted. Then she crawled back on her bed and stared at her shaking door. Gulping, she sunk into her pillow and lifted her eyes to the ceiling trying to zone out. She didn’t care if this was childish and immature, her mother had crossed a line.

For the past few days, Nina’s mother had disappeared. No note, no message and no call. Nina was dropped home after the Bajan debacle and wanted to come home to some peace and quiet. She got what she wished for, it was quiet, but it wasn’t nice. It was eerie. As the sun began to set, Nina got concerned. Still, she assumed her mother was taken on another long extended date by her University boyfriend. So, she went to bed begrudgingly.

But then she woke up on Monday to her mother still missing. Nina was a nervous wreck. She considered calling the police, thinking her mother was kidnapped or injured somewhere. She might have had some disagreements with her ma, but Nina still loved her dearly. By an odd intuitive feeling, she decided to check her phone. 

Clicking her notifications, she opened Facebook. What she saw made her sick. Her mother had posted a photo with her boyfriend at his house with a wine in hand, captioned: #Livingtogethergoals. Nina wanted to throw up.

She was furious and upset, barely comprehensible. She tried to push it out of her mind as she went to school. She needed to be there for Inej. But it was horrible. She was viewing the world in a third person perspective with control that she no longer had. She didn’t do her makeup, she didn’t eat breakfast and despite her empty stomach, wanted to projectile vomit everywhere.

Nina ended up being extremely late to school. While walking up to the office to sign in, Inej came out. Nina was glad to have something to focus on. She could function like a human if she was distracted. If she could fix all Inej’s issues then she didn’t have to think about her own. How her own mother might’ve abandoned her.

But as Inej ran off after finding out about the fight, Nina realised she couldn’t run. She could barely move. Wandering like a ghost into the dining hall, she was surrounded by people she didn’t recognised. She could only blink.

“Nina! Nina are you alright?” Matthias had said. Nina could barely hear him, she couldn’t function. Her mind unable to summon a response. He ended up grabbing her and taking them far away from the hall.

“Nina, you don’t look okay. What’s going on?” Matthias looked so concerned. He had both his hands on her shoulders and was looking into his eyes.

She didn’t want to tell him, but there was something about his presence, his hand on her shoulder and his eyes. His eyes, she couldn’t lie to them.

“My mother, she’s… she’s gone,” Nina confessed.

“What do you mean gone?” Matthias had cried.

“She’s not dead. She just… she hates me,” Nina finally mustered. Then, she burst into tears.

She wasn’t sure exactly what happened next, but Matthias somehow got her home. He sat her on her couch and somehow figured how her fancy stove worked to make some tea. He stayed with her that day, but had to leave when it was night. He returned since then, but Nina didn’t let him in.

The next day, her mother still wasn’t home. Her phone had been blowing up.

The day after, her mother still wasn’t home. Nina considered going to her grandmothers.

That day, she woke up and her mother still wasn’t home.

However, after pulling the last remnants of her fridge together to make a disgusting abomination sandwich. She heard the doorbell ring. She placed her shitty sandwich down and walked over to the door.

It was her mother. She had been crying and was also drenched from rain.

“Nina!” She had leapt forward and hugged her tightly. She wept into her shoulder, Nina didn’t move.

Turns out her University boyfriend had broken it off. He had found a warmer relationship elsewhere. More specifically, with his professor.

“Nina, you can’t ignore me forever!” Her mother shrieked from the door again, breaking Nina’s trance.

Nina didn’t respond now. She had yelled enough, she had cried enough. She was only tired now.

Finally her mother gave one last grunt and walked off. Who was she to call Nina immature? Her ma was the most immature person she knew. Nina walked over and turned her music down.

She pulled out her phone. Inej had messaged. So had Wylan, funnily enough. She smiled. She had gained a special fondness for the guy.

Matthias had texted and called the most, majority of which was when she had left him standing outside her door, because she wouldn’t let him in. But she realised now, there was not another person she’d like to see more. She typed out a message.

Friday 9:00 pm

Can you please come and pick me up. She’s back.

Not even a second passed before he responded.

Bastard Helvar

Friday 9:00 pm

Of course, I’m on my way.

She climbed out of her bed and put on something more appropriate for the weather and looked out her window. She didn’t want to go downstairs but had never snuck out before. Being on the second floor it was always so scary, and her mother let her go to parties anyways.

She unlocked her door, so she could get back in later and then headed back to the window. She opened it slightly and looked out. There was her neighbours fence that was basically the same height. She lifted herself onto the sill then immediately regretted her decision.

It was still raining and Nina was getting wet even halfway out. Nonetheless, in an impulsive move she let go of the frame and reached for the fence. She now had one foot on either side, with her hands gripping both as well. Slowly, but carefully, she began to lower herself down, each shuffle at a time. The rain was blinding her and her hoodie was soaked now.

She was almost there when the rain became too much. She slipped and fell landing harshly on her ass. She rose from the sludge and got up hiding from the kitchen view. Shivering, she pulled out her phone.

Bastard Helvar

Friday: 9:10 pm

Out the front.

Nina sighed in relief and hurried to the side gate. She spotted his car even with the lights off and ran out, climbing into the passenger seat.

“Nina, you’re drenched!” Matthias exclaimed, turning the heater up. “Are you okay?”

“It’s fine, I-I can barely feel it,” Nina said through shivers. Matthias sighed and turned his eyes to the road, pulling off the curb.

Nina wasn’t sure where they were going, but she didn’t care. As long as it was away from that wretched house.

“So, she’s back?” Matthias said, breaking the silence.

“Mhm,” she said sourly. “Her Uni boyfriend dumped her. For his professor.”

“Oh, uh… wow,” Matthias stuttered disbelievingly. “Well, how do you feel?”

“Eh, not surprised. English majors are always freaky with their teachers,” Nina shrugged, looking out the window.

“No, no, about your Ma and all,” Matthias huffed, shaking his head. “And don’t make another joke.”

Nina looked at her fingers, her nails had dirt in them from the fence. What had she done? Jumping out the window just to escape her Ma? This was silly, right?

“I guess I’m not surprised,” Nina replied, exhaling deeply. She looked out to the road ahead. The dark streets lit by streetlights dripping with rain. It was comforting. “Where are we going anyways, Helvar?”

Matthias cleared his throat, “Well uh, I didn’t really plan anywhere. My parents don’t know I’m out, so I have all night.”

Nina’s eye brows raised. “Santka Matthias broke the rules for me? Wow.”

“Shut up,” Matthias scoffed. They chuckled before falling into a silence again. “You hungry?” He asked.

They ended up at the Crow Club, a 24/7 diner that all University students usually attended for studying. It was warm and homely, that always gave you a feeling you didn’t know you missed. It had free internet and incredible food, perfect for Uni. For Nina too, in that moment.

“One Ravkan Pastry, iced coffee with whipped cream and chips with aioli on the side,” Nina recited to their waiter, who she recognised as Anika from school.

“All good, and you Matthias?” Anika confirmed, looking up from her pen and paper. She waited for Matthias to order.

“Uh…” he trailed off, looking at the menu awkwardly.

“Get the waffles, they’re incredible here,” Nina whispered to Matthias, he looked up flustered.

“Yeah, uh just waffles please,” Matthias said, Anika nodded and walked off.

“How did you already know what to order? We just got here,” Matthias asked incredulously.

“What can I say?” Nina shrugged. “I’m a woman who knows what she wants.”

She could see Matthias fighting a grin. She felt a spark of happiness, the first bit of joy she had felt in a while. She was glad. No longer the shell of a person she had been for the last few days. Nina still felt empty, but she had enough strength now not to exhibit it.

“You really had me worried Nina,” Matthias shook his head, suddenly serious. “I came to see if you’re alright.”

Nina nodded her head, “I know. Honestly I feel a lot better here. I just- I couldn’t be near…”

She didn’t finish her sentence, but Matthias knew. She almost hated that he did. Why was he so understanding? He was so kind to her? It made her confused. Why hadn’t he always been this way towards her? He was so cruel when they first met. What changed? Just him? Nina couldn’t tell. But she was grateful.

“Has she always been like this?” He asked now. She shrugged.

“Only after my da left. She got a real hit to the ego I think, finding out he cheated on her,” Nina explained. “She’s usually fine until she gets a new boyfriend. He’s always young and she always put him before everything else. It always ends the same too, every single time.”

Nina picked at her nails absentmindedly. She finally looked up at Matthias, he seemed really sad. She felt guilty for laying that on him.

“But I’m used to it, mostly,” Nina tried to reassure. “This time I was mainly shocked. Everything happened quicker than it usually would. She’s never tried to leave like this before.”

Matthias exhaled slowly and looked down, “Have you told anyone about this?”

“What! No!” Nina cried before hushing herself. “I’m not calling child services, it’s not that bad.”

“No, not child services,” Matthias frowned. “Like… I don’t know, Inej?”

Nina calmed, shrugging. “I mean I’ve complained about my ma to her,” she said. “I haven’t told her about our fights or what happened recently. Inej always has something worse going on. I didn’t want to add more stress.”

“I’m sure Inej would listen to you,” Matthias said eagerly.

“She would, but that’s not the point,” Nina sighed. “She loves my Ma. She used to cook them meals and drive her to dance when times were tough. I don’t want her to hate my ma.” Nina pondered for a moment, “I don’t even hate my ma.”

“So why would she? She loves you and she’ll understand,” Matthias said. “Maybe understand better than me.”

They fell silent again and Nina suddenly felt a hand on hers. She looked over and Matthias had a soft look in his eyes. She felt her shoulders relax and she flipped her hand and gripped his back. They stared at each other a long moment before someone placed a plate on the table.

“The waffles and pastry with the chips?” Anika announced, with a cheeky grin.

They broke apart and thanked her for the meals.

“The ice coffee is coming right up,” Anika shot a wink in Nina’s direction. Nina flushed.

“Can we talk about something else?” Nina asked Matthias. “Something better?”

So Matthias told her about his plans for the rugby team. Usually, Nina would find this boring but she found his enthusiasm and eagerness endearing. Also frankly adorable. She let him rant about their potential and his plans to make Kaz coach. She was also overjoyed that he was obsessed with the waffles here. Possibly more than she was.

Finally, eating her last chip, she looked out the window. “What time is it now?” Nina asked.

“It’s uh…” Matthias looked down at his watch. “Shit! It’s almost eleven thirty!”

“Oh, don’t you have practice tomorrow?” Nina inquired.

“Yeah, It’s why I snuck out,” Matthias admitted. “My da wouldn’t let me go otherwise.”

Nina rolled her eyes, “Your da doesn’t let you do anything. Lets go, you need rest.”

Matthias fell silent and frowned slightly. Nina wondered if her remark about his da was out of line. Nonetheless, she chattered on and he didn’t seem too bothered.

He pulled back into her house and the energy she gained from being with Matthias dissipated. She looked back at her nails, they weren’t dirty anymore but hadn’t remembered cleaning them.

“Are you sure you’re okay going in?” Matthias asked gently. “We could call Inej.”

“No, it’s okay. It’s worse if she wakes up and I’m gone,” Nina responded. “Ironically enough.”

She felt him reach over again and grab hold of her hand again. She looked back at his ice blue eyes filled with concern. “Nina, you can always come to me if you need,” he told her. “Even if you’re mad at me, or even if we are arguing. Always.”

Nina’s eyes softened and she scanned his beautiful face. His hand felt nice in hers and she wanted nothing more but to stay in the car for the rest of the night. She wanted him to hold her and whisper things in her ear, telling her it was going to be okay.

She looked down at his lips and in a strange trance she leant forward to kiss him. Shutting her eyes, she felt a burst of hope.

Suddenly, she felt his hand pull away and the air in front of her change swiftly. As she opened her eyes, he had moved away. She turned bright red.

“Oh, uh. Shit Nina… I’m so sor-” Matthias looked mortified, his eyes were wide and frantic. Nina had never felt more embarrassed.

“No, It’s fine. Don’t worry. Sorry, I was caught up in the moment I think, ha!” Nina laughed awkwardly, shutting her eyes. “Er, I should go.”

With that she opened the car door and slammed it, running back to her house. How could she be so stupid! She was humiliated. Why did you think he liked you? Because he did once basic nice thing?

It was no secret that she was interested in Matthias. What she couldn’t figure out was if Matthias hated her, or liked her back. But what realised now was he was neither. He was just friendly. A friend. She needed to start treating him that way.

She creeped into the house silently and quickly, desperate to get away from Matthias’s view. She heard the TV. on in the living room and thanked the saints. Her mother would pass out on the couch with ice cream, watching sitcoms. It was what she did after every breakup. Nina darted back upstairs and entered her room, locking it quietly.

She changed into pyjamas again, crawling into bed. She was happy to be tired, so she didn’t have to think about her almost-kiss with Matthias and how he rejected her. But before falling asleep, she took out her phone again.

Matthias was right about one thing, she needed message Inej.

Friday 11:56 pm

Hey, so sorry for ghosting you. I have a lot going on, could we meet up soon so I can tell you all about it?

She turned over to sleep before she heard a buzz.

Inej my beloved <3

Friday 11:57 pm

Of course Nina, I’ve been so worried! I love you and will always be here for you. Lets meet tmr some time <3

Chapter Text

Chapter twenty-three: Inej

Why am I so nervous?

Inej thought as she picked at her nails anxiously. Yesterday, she was sent an ominous text by her best friend asking to meet up. Apparently, she had something to confess. Inej wasn’t entirely sure, but she was certain that she wanted to be there for Nina. No matter what.

But not knowing was killing her. Since she confided in Wylan a week ago about her concerns over Nina, her worrying had increased. Even though she had a mountain of her own problems, Inej still wanted to help Nina with hers. Nina had put aside so many of her issues for her sake. Inej was glad to finally be able to do it in return.

Then, after her suspension, Nina had disappeared. Inej was terrified and according to Wylan, she wasn’t going to school either. She recalled the joy when she finally received a message after being ignored. But the message was concerning. What would Nina tell her today? Would she even show up?

Inej sat awkwardly in the Crow Club diner, now resorting to biting her nails. She looked around, it was packed. Everyone was chattering loudly, wrapped up in their conversations. Their laughs made her muscles seize with tension. Saints, why am I so nervous?

The door swung open, ringing the familiar melodic bell and Inej looked up. She saw a flash of familiar hair. But it wasn’t Nina. She shrunk back into her seat again.

“Do you want a drink to start?” The waitress asked her.

Inej snapped out of her head, “Oh! No thanks. I’ll wait for my friend.”

Inej swore she recognised her from somewhere. School, maybe?

The door opened, and the bell rang once more. Inej raised her head, spotting Nina. Her stomach flipped nervously but she managed to wave and catch her eye. Nina smiled tightly and walked over.

“Hey,” she said, taking the seat across from her.

Inej smiled, widely. Then realised how creepy this probably looked and dimmed. “Hi, Nina. How’s it going?” she asked.

“Yeah, well… you know,” Nina shrugged, she avoided eye contact. Inej wasn’t sure why this was so awkward, it had never been like this. Even when they would go months without seeing each other in person, they’d always click back into their usual dynamic.

Inej tapped her fingers rapidly on the table. She was trying not to think about herself, but a horrible thought arose. Was Nina unfriending her? Wylan had suggested that maybe Nina was more upset about Imogen than she was letting on. Was she tired of slumming it with them and wanted to return to the girls' table? Was she about to tell Inej she was embarrassed of her?

Shut up, Nina would never do that.

Why else wouldn’t she tell you what’s wrong? She usually tells you everything.

Inej bit her nails again. “What uh… what-”

“Hi, welcome back Nina. Would you guys like to order now or do you need more time?” the waitress said.

“Welcome back?” Inej huffed out a laugh. “You really come here that often, huh?”

It was a pretty lame joke, but she was trying to break the ice. Nina didn’t laugh, she looked guilty.

“Yeah, she was here last night,” the waitress informed, Inej frowned. “With Matthias.”

Inej looked over at Nina, who cringed. “Did you go on a date?” Inej asked her incredulously. Why hadn’t Nina called her straight away?

“Well, I- uhm,” Nina shrugged awkwardly. “Never mind. Thanks, Anika, but we need time.”

Inej frowned, Anika seemed to take the tension as her cue to leave. “Why didn’t you tell me about Matthias?” Inej asked, leaning in, her voice quiet.

“I haven’t told you a lot of things,” Nina admitted, still avoiding her gaze. Inej’s heart sank, this conversation wasn’t starting well. This was how you started a friendship-ending conversation. Inej felt a lump in her throat, failing to gulp it down.

Inej wracked her brain on what she did wrong, what went wrong. Surely she was overthinking this, right? But Nina sounded so guilty, and she confessed to not telling Inej everything. Did she not feel comfortable telling her things anymore?

Nina too, was now tapping her fingers on the table distractingly. Neither of them spoke up and Inej frowned, feeling stubborn. Who was Nina to end the friendship? Inej had a say in this too, they had been friends since childhood. She wasn’t going to let her just throw it away like this.

“Look, Nina, I think I know what this is about,” Inej started slowly. Nina looked up, eyes wide.

“Before you say anything or make anything final. I want the chance to speak,” Inej took in a large breath, trying to calm herself. “Nina, since you got me down from those monkey bars, you have been the most consistent friend in my life. Your friendship means everything and you do so much for me. I know that you’re probably tired of dealing with that, but please just give me one more chance to make it right. You’re so important to me and I can’t just let you end it like this. Tell me how to make it-”

“What the fuck?” Nina cried. Inej paused taken aback.

“I just… I wanted to-” Inej closed her eyes painfully. “I understand if you’ve really thought it through and you’re sure-”

“Inej! Shut the fuck up!” Nina shrieked. “I’m not ending the friendship. Saints, I would never- why would you? What the-”

Nina began sputtering incoherently, and Inej barely noticed or cared. She felt like she was floating, and broke into a hesitant smile. “You’re not? But I thought maybe Imogen-”

“Fuck Imogen! What?” Nina exclaimed, she was getting increasingly more frantic.

“Stop swearing Nina!” Inej shushed her, looking around at the tired and irritated students glaring over. ”People are staring.”

“Inej, listen to me,” Nina grabbed Inej’s hands off the table. “I would never let you out of this friendship. Ever. Do you understand? You are never getting away from me. I’m so sorry that I’ve treated you in such a way that you would ever think I could.”

Inej nodded, her shoulders relaxing and Nina took her hands away. She rested her head in them and groaned.

“So then… what did you want to tell me?” Inej asked. “And don’t say you brought me out here just to talk about your date with Matthias.”

“No, no,” Nina shook her head squinting, Inej wondered if she'd slept. “That is something I would do. But no it’s more… serious, I guess.”

Inej shifted in her seat, preparing herself. Now she was certain Nina really needed her.

Nina seemed to be unsure how to start. Finally, she slowly began. “I’ve been struggling, sort of, for some years now,” Nina explained slowly. “In regards to my mother.”

Inej tried not to frown, she had never really known Nina’s mother to be anything but benevolent. Was she sick or dying? Inej reached over and grabbed her hand to comfort her.

“Last night, well, Matthias helped me realise I don’t want to keep this from you,” Nina sighed. “My ma, I love her but she’s… she’s not a good parent. Ever since my father left she hasn’t been right. She just… doesn’t know how to cope except by getting new and young boyfriends as often as she can. During those periods, when she’s in a relationship, she can be really… really horrible. I didn’t want to tell you because I know you think so highly of her because of all she used to do. But she’s very selective with her good deeds, and often they don’t include me.”

Inej heart broke as she heard all this. Nina’s mother had divorced her father years ago. Nina had been struggling for that long? Inej gave an encouraging squeeze so she would keep going.

“I mean, she’s just really pathetic around men,” Nina let out a shaky breath. “Always putting them first, ignoring me. She’s not abusive or anything of course! But she’s just distant, always leaves me at my nan’s house when they’re around but when they leave, she loves me again.”

“More recently she got another boyfriend. Younger, yet again,” Nina confessed, Inej grimaced. “When I sort of went radio silent, she had… um.”

Nina stopped suddenly, her voice began to break. Inej took hold of her other hand. It was strange to see her like this, Nina was always so strong and resilient. She hated seeing her crumble.

“My mother abandoned me to go live with her boyfriend,” Nina admitted. “She was gone for three days and only came back because he had broken up with her. She came back last night and I just couldn’t be in that house, so I called Matthias. I’m sorry, I should’ve called you and I should have told you but I was so scared. You always have something going on and I never want to put more pressure on you. I love my ma, I really do! I just- I just, Saints, I hate her sometimes.”

Nina began sniffling and Inej could see she was holding back sobs. Inej got up from her seat and sat beside her, wrapping her arms around her friend. “Nina, your problems are never going to be too much for me,” Inej reassured, rubbing her back. “Friends are here to help you carry your troubles, and I promise I will always help carry yours. You just have to talk to me.”

“You are such a good person Inej,” Nina sniffed. “What have done to deserve you?”

“There's no such thing as deserving friends,” Inej tutted, stroking her hair. “And anyway, you are such an incredible person, you should be worrying about people deserving you.”

Nina laughed wetly, “You sound like me.”

“Good!” Inej exclaimed. “I’m channelling my inner Nina. You always have uplifting things to say, you should listen to yourself more.”

Nina chuckled and took a napkin to blow her nose.

“Are you okay staying in your house?”

Nina shrugged, “She’s not bad right now. She’s getting over the breakup, so just really depressed.”

“If you ever need a place to stay, my house is always open,” Inej told her. “My parents love you, and I’m sure they’d understand.”

Nina tried to interject, but Inej held up her hand. “But… If you don’t want to tell them I’m sure they’d let you stay anyways. You don’t have to be anywhere you don’t want to be.”

Nina seemed to think for a moment, “Could I possibly… come to your house today? Not sleepover, just for the day?”

Inej smiled, “Is that seriously a question? Of course!”

Nina threw her arms around her again. “Thank you Inej,” she mumbled into her hair.

“What do you say? Should we get the waffles?” Inej asked cheekily.

“Yes, Matthias’s favourite now!”

“Oh Saints, you didn’t force him, did you?” Inej shot a concerned look at her. Nina waved her off.

“No! Peer pressured? Maybe,” Nina shrugged. She separated from Inej’s hug and wiped her eyes to look around, “This is kind of awkward. I just sobbed into your shoulder in the middle of a diner.”

“Yeah, this might not have been the best meeting spot,” Inej winced. “Doesn’t matter, if anyone says anything, I’ll hit them with a lunch tray.”

“What?” Nina frowned, and Inej stopped laughing.

“Wait, you weren’t there!” Inej slapped her forehead.

Inej was able to catch Nina up on all the school drama she had missed. Turns out, Matthias had kept her completely in the dark, which she did not appreciate. Nina had proven to be overjoyed in hearing of Inej’s attack on Oomen. She seemed less happy to hear Inej had gotten suspended from said attack, but Inej reassured her that it was all over for now.

They were walking to her house, which Inej was relieved about. She had wanted to get Nina out and about if she was feeling suffocated. But, in the end, it was her choice. Luckily, Nina had wanted to come over and spend the day. Selfishly, Inej also had been missing quality time with her best friend.

“Still, words can’t describe the pride I feel,” Nina sighed dreamily. “I wish I could’ve seen it.”

“Yeah, speaking of which,” Inej frowned in thought. “Where did you go? You were right behind me but when I turned around you were gone.”

Nina began playing with her hair, she looked sort of awkward now. “Well, I might’ve freaked out a little bit,” she admitted. “I froze and couldn’t move until Matthias found me. That’s how he knew.”

Inej’s stomach dropped, and she felt horrible. She didn’t notice her friend blatantly panicking in front of her. She was so concerned with Oomen that she had neglected her friend.

“I can see you thinking Inej,” Nina tutted disapprovingly. “There’s nothing you could’ve done. Oomen had a knife for Saint's sake! You’d be a psychopath to not freak out when you heard about the fight.”

Inej sighed deeply, Nina was right but she still felt bad. She moved to Nina’s side and clutched her arm tightly. “How about we do something before going back to mine,” Inej suggested. “My house is always full and chaotic. We should see a movie or…”

“Oh! We should go watch Matthias rugby game!” Nina exclaimed excitedly.

Inej’s shoulders sagged and her face dropped sourly, “Yeah, or that.”

“Oh! We only have an hour until it starts,” Nina looked horrified at her phone. “We’ve gotta start moving!”

With that, Nina grabbed hold of Inej’s arm to drag her to yet another place Inej avoided at all costs for the goal of seeing Matthias. She needed to stop letting her do this, Inej was really hoping Nina would take up her movie idea. Just once.

“They sell hot chips at the window,” Nina told Inej absentmindedly. “We can go halves.”

Inej was uncharacteristically slouched in her seat, forcibly watching a bunch of men run at each other. She tried not to hate it, but it was hard. She didn’t understand anything and Nina was much too distracted to explain. She clapped when others did and cheered when Matthias did something out of the ordinary, mostly she followed the crowd. But she was lost and incredibly bored. Nina seemed to finally have noticed her discontent.

Inej reached into her jeans pocket and pulled out her wallet. She had enough for food, but she had imagined using her money in a more rewarding way. Like, I don’t know, watching a movie.

But Inej decided that it was about Nina, she chose what they did. Unfortunately, she was a rugby and Matthias fanatic, so it was never going to work out.

“It’s alright, I can buy it,” Inej told Nina, trying not to sigh.

“What? Are you sure?” Nina frowned, finally tearing her eyes away from the field.

Inej waved her off and stood up. They were a couple of people away from the aisle, so Inej had to awkwardly shuffle and squeeze by. Someone must have scored or something because the crowd chorused approvingly and someone beside her shot up. She stumbled with surprise and a hand grabbed her to stop her from falling.

She faltered for a second, a common ripple of fear flowed through her. She tore herself away from the touch and looked wildly at the kind old man who was now apologising. She reassured him, explaining that she was just surprised. It was her usual excuse. She crossed her arms to stop them from shaking.

Finally, reaching the aisle, she scaled down the stairs at a skilful speed. What had happened? She hadn’t had that bad of a reaction in a while now. Feeling stupid, she tried to shake off the uncomfortable, dirty feeling. Grow up, it’s been a year.

Taking a deep breath, she calmed herself. She shoved her hands in her pockets to warm them. Looking at the scoreboard, she could barely understand it. Matthias was winning, she was pretty sure. Although, she wasn’t sure if he was a part of the Drusje or Druskelle. The two teams sounded far too similar.

She manoeuvred her way out of the crowd and reached a small tuck shop with a singular window just beside the stands. The line was incredibly long, she groaned and joined begrudgingly.

She tapped her foot in boredom. People were dressed in either royal blue and gold or blue and white. She swore those were the colours for every rugby league, couldn’t they be original? She continued her gaze until she finally reached a person who wasn’t wearing colours. She felt slightly better about herself.

Looking at him, he seemed about her age. Although his back was to her, he looked familiar and the cane? Oh, it was Kaz.

Inej closed her eyes and tilted her head to the sky. Why was he everywhere? She supposed Jesper was probably somewhere too, not with Kaz. Apparently, they were deep in an argument, Inej had a hunch it had to do with the scamming. Looking at him, he seemed rather lonely.

To her dismay, Kaz slowly began to turn around probably to check the tuck shop line and returned Inej’s gaze. She snapped her eyes away quickly. How many times had he caught her staring at him? It was getting out of hand. She diverted her eyes to another group of boys who had also neglected to wear colours.

“Excuse me, Ma'am? The lines moved,” a man behind her said. Inej cringed and apologised profusely.

She closed the space again and felt tempted to see if Kaz was still watching her. But she knew the answer, feeling his eyes. She looked back at the group of boys, who were now whooping loudly. She squinted at them.

One jumped and turned, throwing his arms around his friend, Inej paused. She cursed quietly and looked to the floor. She knew had recognised them. It wasn’t just Kaz that made an appearance, but boys from her old school too. The boys that had terrorised her and made her life hell.

She began feeling nauseous again and kept her eyes glued to the floor. She switched herself into survival mode, the world around her narrowed and she only had one goal: Be invisible.

She tried to melt into the people that surrounded her in the line. Saints please, don’t let them see me.

If the boys were nearby, then possibly the girls were too. She felt it like a punch to her stomach, which is what she might get if they noticed her. She tried to fold into herself, making her smaller. Maybe she should leave the line, anything for them not to see her.

“What are you getting?” Kaz asked, appearing beside her. Despite being surprised she didn’t look up.

“Er, probably chips,” she said, her voice shaking nervously. She cursed herself. “Don’t you want to watch Matthias?”

“He does well in every game, aggravatingly,” Kaz sighed. “Also you look like you might throw up, so I thought I’d alert the people in the line to evacuate the area.”

Inej finally looked up at his quizzical face. She must be pale with nerves by now but how did he see from all the way over there? Another thing she noticed, he was completely covering her. Once clearly in sight of the group of boys, she was now hidden behind his frame. She felt her muscles loosen in relief.

“Just hungry,” she informed him, looking away. Her eyes darted once again to the boys just past Kaz. They hadn’t noticed her.

Kaz’s gaze narrowed and she saw him turn around, her blood pressure skyrocketed. “So are you paying now?” she joked quickly, trying to get his attention again. It didn’t work.

“Who are those guys?” Kaz asked, crossing his arms.

“What guys?”

“Those guys.”

“You aren’t pointing anywhere.”

“I don’t need to.”

“I don’t know who you’re talking about,” Inej shrugged, peeking over the line that had stopped moving again.

“So, why are they looking at you?”

“What?” Inej shrieked, quickly turning to check if they had spotted her.

“Yeah, those guys,” Kaz scoffed. “Who are they?”

Inej sighed inwardly and rolled her eyes frustrated, “Don’t worry about it.”

“I’m not worried, I’m curious,” Kaz quipped back. “Tell me.”

Inej scratched the inside of her palm, she opened her mouth to speak before she was cut off angrily. “You guys are up,” the guy behind Inej snapped again, much more frustrated now. He rolled his eyes, and Inej waved apologetically.

“A medium bag of hot chips please,” Inej smiled sweetly at the tired-looking woman on the other side of the counter. Inej reached into her pocket to get her wallet, before she could, someone leaned over her with a five kruge bill.

“Kaz?” Inej hissed. “What are you doing?”

“You asked if I was paying,” Kaz responded as if it was the most obvious thing.

“How did you hear- Doesn’t matter, you aren’t paying,” Inej pulled out another note and put it in front of the woman's face.

“Inej, put it away. I’m paying.”

“I was joking before. Don’t worry- hey!”

Kaz had snatched the note out of her hand and slammed his note on the table. The woman took it and gave the chips, Kaz handed them to her.

“Wha-” Inej was unsure of what just happened.

“Move it lady!” the guys behind her finally cried. Inej shuffled away.

She clutched the bag of chips to her chest and hoped Nina was hungry because they were massive. She scoffed at Kaz’s smug face.

“You know technically I still paid,” Inej told him, returning the smug look.

“Did you?” Kaz smirked, he gestured to her pocket. Inej put the chips into her one arm and reached in to pull out a five Kruge note.

“How did you do that?” Inej said astonished. “And don’t say a magician never reveals secrets.”

“Fucking hell, I would never say that,” Kaz scrunched his nose up. “It’s just reverse pick-pocketing.”

Inej blew out a low breath, shaking her head disapprovingly. She took a chip out of the bag and popped it in her mouth. She held it up to Kaz, who shook his head.

“I’ll take one Inej,” a slimy voice said from the opposite side of Kaz. Inej stiffened, her knees almost buckling.

Turning to look, the group of boys finally seemed to notice her. Inej had forgotten to make herself invisible. She gulped and the boys were eyeing Kaz with confusion. Cobbet, seemed less deterred.

“So how have you been recently?” he grinned easily. “Having fun at Ketterdam College?”

Inej attempted to ease her pounding heart. They can’t get you here. It’s too open.

“It’s good,” she said shortly, proud her voice didn’t falter. His grin grew.

She realised how eerily similar to Oomen he was with his disgusting grin and slimy personality. Even his grossly unkempt hair. But what Cobbet had that Oomen didn’t was a terrifying unhinged look in his eyes that sent chills down Inej’s spine every time she saw him. Oomen was constant talk, sure he could fight, but he was a tormentor. Cobbet? He could punch a hole through the wall and barely blink an eye. Inej was convinced he didn’t feel pain at all, only anger and satisfaction. Oomen teased her for his own benefit and to boost social morale. Cobbet had simply ruined her life for the sake of it. His lifeless eyes could send her into a panic of their own.

“Who’s this fella?” Cobbet inquired, quirking an eyebrow cheekily.

“I’m Kaz Brekker,” he responded, scanning the boys narrowly. “You might know me.”

Something seemed to cross through the boys and even Cobbet’s face seemed to hesitate. “Brekker, huh? You’ve made good company Inej,” he huffed out a breathy laugh.

“I think it’s time you leave,” Kaz spat, Cobbet laughed forcibly.

“Excuse me?”

“I have no interest in talking to you, clearly neither does Inej,” Kaz rolled his eyes. “So fuck off?”

A strange silence surrounded them, Inej couldn’t even hear the rugby game anymore. Cobbet looked borderline insane and the boys glanced around awkwardly. Inej didn’t know what was going to happen next, but she knew Cobbet. He’d only pick a fight he was sure he’d win.

Cobbet laughed again, slightly manically. With a shake of his head, he looked away passively. But he didn’t start anything. When he finally left them, Inej let go of a breath she hadn’t realised she was holding.

“Where’s your seat?” Kaz demanded now. Inej pointed lamely up at the stands. “Alright, I’ll sit with you.”

“You don’t have-”

“Did I say it was for you?” Kaz rebutted. Inej was taken aback but she supposed she couldn’t object. Swallowing again, they walked back quietly to the stands.

Nina wasn’t too happy to see him but ended up eating most of the chips they bought. Inej had lost her appetite.

Chapter Text

Chapter twenty-four: Matthias

I can’t do this anymore.

Matthias thought while on his tenth lap of the oval. It was after training hours, both Brum and his dad had sent him off to do extra running and all the boys had gone home an hour ago. Matthias was covered in sweat, and he thought his muscles were going to rip open with tension. But he didn’t stop.

As Brum blew the whistle, he collapsed to the floor. Rolling onto his back, breathing heavily, Matthias held his hands behind his head. His vision was blurry with tears so he could barely see the stars in the night sky. Matthias closed his eyes.

“You were eight seconds behind,” Brum's authoritarian voice said. “Disappointing.”

Matthias sighed deeply, he sat up. Opening his mouth to respond, he quickly moved his head over to the side as he vomited all over the grass. He spat all of his chicken and rice meals from his plan beside him. Brum came over and rubbed his back. Matthias thought it was quite fatherly.

“Throwing up is good boy,” Brum soothed. “Means you pushed yourself far. Although, your numbers say otherwise.”

“I’m sorry,” Matthias was able to choke out. He vomited again and let tears stream down his face.

“Here, use this to get the chunks out,” Brum passed him a water bottle. Matthias took a swig and gurgled it. Once he spat out the water, Brum extended his hand to help him up.

“Your times were worse than last week,” he tutted, shaking his head. “Your mind is elsewhere, I can tell. It’s pathetic.”

Matthias nodded dutifully, walking beside him to the changing rooms. He had no idea what time it was.

“Don’t you want to be a rugby champion anymore?” Brum asked. “Because you’re not fucking acting like it.”

“I’m sorry coach,” Matthias hung his head, holding back more gagging. “My mind is straying, I’m sorry.”

“You should be,” Brum scoffed. “When you’re at rugby, you should only think of rugby. When you’re out of rugby, your mind should still be on it. That’s the only way to be a champion, to be the best. Am I wasting my time here with you, son?”

Matthias shook his head rapidly. “Then fucking prove it to me. Don’t come here and half-arse your training. Don’t disrespect my time and effort. I don’t want you thinking about anything but rugby, understand?” Brum spat, he slammed his clipboard on the floor and ran a hand through his hair.

“I won’t coach,” Matthias promised, he hurried off to the changing rooms. He couldn’t stomach the disappointment. What was wrong with him?

He knew what was wrong, what his mind was always stuck on. Nina. Always Nina. Especially now, with what she was going through. How could he take his mind off her? When she tried to kiss him…

Stop!

Get your head out of the gutter Helvar!

Matthias groaned, running his hands through his hair too. What was she doing to him? Every night since she made a move, he had been dreaming horrible things. Things that caused the very sight of her to make him blush. Of course, he couldn’t focus, he couldn’t even sleep! She was haunting him, closed eyes or not, she was always there.

Turning the knob, he made the shower ice cold and closed his eyes. His nausea faded. This borderline obsession was affecting even his passions now. Brum was furious and Matthias couldn’t blame him. He saw his coach disappointed and frustrated often, but this seemed worse. Maybe he had seen Matthias' shame. Or lack of sleep. Matthias hadn’t slept in about two days.

He hadn’t slept since seeing Nina at his match. She was jumping up and cheering for him. Luckily, he’d only seen her after winning the game. Otherwise, Brum would’ve been angry much earlier in the week.

Maybe it was the fact Valentine's Day was tomorrow. He was shaken with nerves. He didn’t expect anything to happen, but what would Nina do? He assumed she would avoid him since the accidental rejection. Though, she had come to his game…

Was she going to pretend like it never happened?

He finished his shower and changed into his clothes. Not even Kaz or Jesper knew of the almost kiss. Mostly because it was hard to get the two of them together nowadays and he wasn’t sure if he could repeat his embarrassment twice.

Checking his phone he got a text from Jesper.

Worst rugby player

Monday 8:31 pm

My favourite captain, could I sit with you again tmr at school…? Missed your dumbass, everyone’s boring. Is Kaz going to be there?

He sighed, this was worse than he thought. Matthias didn’t know how to fix the riff between his friends, mostly because he didn’t even understand what had caused it. He sent a reply and shoved his phone in his pocket.

Throwing his bag over, he caught his reflection in the mirror. He was still extremely pale, seeming thinner too. The thought of going outside made him ill. Brum's disappointment was upsetting, but his father's? He swallowed his worries and left the room.

Walking out, he noticed his father and Brum talking. His limbs still burned with pain as he made his way over.

As soon as they spotted him, they broke apart. Brum nodded to his father, who didn’t meet his eye.

“Matthias, I want you here tomorrow,” Brum commanded.

Tomorrow was Matthias’ only day off in the week. But he couldn’t object, not with his performance that night.

“Okay,” Matthias agreed.

He felt a whack on his arm. “Not just okay boy!” His father snapped. “Okay, coach. Show some respect!”

With that, he stormed off and Brum turned away with an emotionless face. “Sorry coach,” Matthias followed his father.

Climbing into his car was painful and slow, his father didn’t seem to care.

“When you go to training tomorrow,” his father hissed. “You better work your arse off, or I swear-”

“I will da,” Matthias insisted. “I promise.”

His father fell silent and pulled out of the parking lot. It was incredibly late for him, but Brum wanted to get a lot of work done and he just wasn’t meeting expectations.

They drove home in relative silence, his father only breaking it occasionally to go on about how humiliated he was in front of Brum. Matthias was quiet.

When they got home, he slowly got out of the car, clutching his upper legs. He attempted to sling his bag over, but his da tore it from his hands and took it inside. Matthias was surprised and grateful. But he still wasn’t looking at him.

“Matthias, baby,” his mother cooed. “I’m so happy you’re home.”

His father scoffed and headed to the kitchen. His mother frowned, her eyes finding the floor as they usually did.

“Why don’t you head upstairs? I’ll grab your dinner,” she whispered and hurried off. Matthias complied, too exhausted to respond.

Hiking up the stairs was tough work. After slipping into his pyjamas, he heard the door creak open.

“Thanks, ma-” Matthias stopped and realised that it was a much smaller girl. It was his sister.

“Are you sick?” She whispered from the door. Matthias sighed.

“I’m fine,” he responded. With this reassurance, she burst into his room giggling. “Oh Djel, what’s the trouble now?”

“Nothin’,” she said cheekily, biting her cheek and climbing onto his bed. “I have something for you!”

Matthias raised a suspicious brow, “This isn’t a silly prank?”

She shook her head and reached into her pocket. She extended her hand, giving him a chocolate bar. He wanted to laugh.

“You know I can’t-” Matthias sighed.

“No! Not for you silly!” She cried. “For your Valentine!”

She burst into a fit of giggles at his gaping mouth. He crossed his arms with a sceptical look.

“And who do I have to give this to?” Matthias inquired, smiling now too. She looked joyous at his question.

“Nina Zenik!” she exclaimed teasingly, Matthias smile dropped.

“How do you- Where did you?” Matthias sputtered desperately. His sister was hysterical now. “You can’t tell them.”

“I won’t,” she shrugged. “They might find out anyway though. At night when I walk to the toilet I hear you, ‘Nina! Nina, I looooove youuuu.’”

She sang out dramatically, Matthias clapped a hand over her mouth mortified. Had he really been saying that? His sister stopped singing and burst into evil cackles again. Matthias covered his face with his hands.

“What is all this ruckus?” his mother laughed lightly, walking in with a tray.

“Nothing…” his sister giggled. “I gave him chocolate, for Valentine’s.”

“Awe bless,” his ma stroked her hair. “Sibling love is the strongest love, I taught you well.”

Matthias rolled his eyes and his sister looked mischievously at him again.

“Well, although it's nice, you need to go to bed now sweetheart,” she told her. “Let Matthias eat and rest. He needs it.”

His mother sighed, looking concerned for Matthias. She walked over to place the food on his bedside and kiss his forehead. “Goodnight my boy,” she sighed, grabbing his sister who was sticking her tongue out at him.

“Goodnight, love you,” he responded. When the door closed he leant back and covered his face. Why was everything so embarrassing tonight?

He groaned at the time, it was so late. He felt his stomach growl but he was too exhausted to reach over and grab his food.

Matthias fell asleep two minutes later.

“Happy romance day!” Jesper cried, slamming his lunch tray in front of Matthias. “My love, will be you.”

“Don’t” Matthias grumbled.

“Yeesh, tough sleep?” Jesper poked. Matthias, although glad Jesper seemed happier recently, was already irritated.

“Tired, and I have extra training tonight,” Matthias explained, Jesper sucked in a breath.

“So, no date with Nina,” he sighed dramatically. “Why am I not surprised?”

“You have a date then?”

Jesper paused and considered, a strange look passed. “Shit, I don’t,” he said incredulously, even Matthias was surprised. “I don’t want one either.”

Matthias blew out a low breath, “So you are ready to settle down.”

“Fuck off,” Jesper chuckled, shoving Matthias a bit. Almost instinctively, Matthias waited for Kaz to have a wittier dig for Jesper, but of course, he wasn’t there.

Jesper seemed to notice this too. His blatant energy began to dim. Matthias and Jesper both decided to sit away from the Dregs team. They both loved the boys, however, there was only so much you could take a day.

“You should ask Nina,” Jesper advised him. “Screw practice.”

Matthias shook his head. They just didn’t understand.

“You know I can’t do that,” Matthias muttered. The sentence imbedded in his brain, always exiting his mouth. A roll of anger unfolded in him. Why couldn’t he? Why couldn’t he just be a teenager like everyone else?

“It’s supposed to be your day off!” Jesper threw his hands up. “Ditch it, just once.”

Matthias didn’t respond now, lifting his head over to her table. She was with Wylan, laughing her beautiful laugh. He dug his nails into his palm.

“She wouldn’t say yes, anyway,” Matthias sighed, hopelessly.

Jesper groaned dramatically, “If you’re trying to tell me you don’t think Nina is interested, I am personally-”

“She tried to kiss me,” Matthias forced out, cringing. “I dodged it.”

He folded into himself, covering his face. Instantly regretting his confession. Though, he knew this wasn’t just humiliating for him but for Nina too. But she never seemed that embarrassed about it.

Matthias realised that the table was silent, peeking up from his shrugged position, he was met with Jesper’s blank face.

“I fucking hate you,” Jesper said blandly. Matthias shrugged and a beat passed, Jesper whacked him.

“Me too,” Matthias sighed self-deprecatingly. Jesper rolled his eyes.

“C’mon, we’re sitting with them,” Jesper announced, shoving his chair back.

“What?! I-” Matthias tried to protest. Jesper took his arm and with surprising strength, hoisted Matthias from his position. Maybe Brum was right, he was losing muscle.

Matthias was bright red now, but he followed Jesper. Reaching the table, Jesper slid in beside Wylan, who jumped at the notion. Nina looked up and met his eye.

For a moment the world stopped. The previous chatter of the room had dimmed, and the light from the window seemed to narrow onto her, like a spotlight. His breath caught. Her face was frozen in surprise, with no sly grin on her lips or raised brows. The curls in her brown hair fell on her shoulder, almost golden in the light. She was there, and she was ethereal.

Matthias received a knock to the back of the legs. “Sit down idiot,” Jesper huffed out a laugh, sending him a concerned look. Matthias could see Wylan shaking with laughter on the other side of Jesper.

Matthias coughed awkwardly and took a seat beside Nina. Did she notice him looking at her in such awe? How much more mortifying could he be?

“Happy Valentine's Day, Wylan!” Jesper exclaimed to the boy, who rolled his eyes. “No chocolate for me?”

“Already gave it away,” Wylan shrugged, apologetically. Jesper seemed to snap out of his teasing.

“Who?” he squeaked, looking slightly devastated. Matthias frowned.

“Baghra.”

Matthias barked out a laugh and Nina did too. Finally, Jesper seemed to return to his composure and laughed along too.

“Funny now are ya, rich boy?” Jesper exhaled, his shoulders relaxed.

“So, just come to harass Wylan then, Jesper?” Nina sighed, tilting her head. Matthias had to look away.

“I came to spend the day of love, with the people I adore, Zenik,” Jesper rolled his eyes before gesturing to Matthias, grinning cheekily. “Matthias too.”

Nina fell silent next to him, and Matthias shifted. She looked up at him with a tight smile. Maybe she wasn’t taking it as well as he thought.

“It’s true!” Matthias blurted out, wanting to reassure her. Nina looked taken aback. That was understandable, he announced this much too loud.

The table was observing him and he realised that it was an odd outburst. “I want to spend Valentines day with you- All of you!” Matthias explained rapidly. Jesper pinched bridge if his nose.

“So, I guess I’m one of your many Valentines then, Helvar,” Nina said in her usual sultry voice. Matthias shrugged as a response, he needed to just be quiet.

“Hey, where’s Inej?” Jesper inquired. Matthias was grateful for the save.

“With Kaz,” Wylan announced, fighting a smile. Nina scoffed.

“What?!” Jesper and Matthias both exclaimed. Nina nodded solemnly.

“He walked over to her as we were about to walk into the dining hall,” Nina explained. “Asked to speak with her. Fifteen minutes and they aren’t back.”

“Do you think…” Matthias lowered his voice. “They’re…”

“They aren’t fucking dating!” Nina cried. “Have you met Kaz? Even if he liked her, he’d meet his grave before doing anything. People are already starting to whisper about it though.”

Jesper picked at his food, suddenly uninterested in the conversation. Matthias knew Kaz was still a touchy subject. Before he could even attempt to change it, the doors of the dining hall swung open. It was almost the end of lunch, who-

“Finally! They return to the living,” Nina sneered, as she crossed her arms.

Kaz and Inej walked in, whispering to each other. Matthias was surprised at Kaz’s open display of interest in what Inej was saying. They were walking towards the table and Kaz looked up and noticed Jesper. He kept his face blank, but Matthias swore he slowed down. Nina moved aside to let them in, and Inej greeted them all. Kaz did not.

In the dining hall, people had also taken notice of the two. Especially Imogen’s table. Especially Imogen, who was glaring at them now.

“Joined groups without us?” Inej chuckled lightly, she seemed to sense the tension.

“I need to uh- Go get… shirt,” Jesper awkwardly explained before rising from his seat and scurrying away. Wylan watched as he went with disappointed eyes.

“He really couldn’t think of anything better than, shirt?” Kaz scoffed. The table fell silent, and Kaz rolled his eyes.

“I’m sure it wasn’t because of you…” Wylan assured him, Kaz’s face clouded over irritably.

“You know what?” Kaz declared, placing his hands on the table. “I think I need to find a shirt too.”

With that, he pushed off and gave Inej one last glance before walking away. Inej sighed deeply as he left, rendering the rest of them speechless.

“You know, I need to have a word with him,” Matthias announced, standing. Nina gave him a friendly smile. Friendly. Like they were friends. Matthias cringed inwardly.

He gave them a final wave and strode off in Kaz’s direction. Even with Matthias' sore legs, he caught up in no time. Kaz was usually impossible to catch.

“Save it, Helvar,” Kaz clipped as if had to know Matthias was coming. Sometimes he wanted to strangle that demjin.

“I need to speak with you,” Matthias ignored his warning.

“Look, this is between me and Jes-”

“It’s not about that!” Matthias cried, Kaz paused in the hallway, his interest perked. Matthias celebrated gaining his attention. “I’ve been meaning to ask you something since the Inej and Bajan incident. Remember? The reason I brought you there in the first place.”

“If this is some weird Valentine's proposal,” Kaz said sarcastically. “I’ll pass.”

“Just shut up for a second Brekker,” Matthias snapped irritably, Kaz raised a brow. “This school rugby team needs a coach. Desperately. I’m sure you know this.”

Kaz snorted, “Everyone knows it.”

“It needs to be you,” Matthias pleaded. “You’re the only one who can pull the team together. You have the experience, the connections, the knowledge and the skill. We aren’t going anywhere with Nikolai. I know you gave up on rugby a long time ago, but what do you say? Will you help me bring this team together before the season starts?”

Matthias ran out of breath and stared hopefully to Kaz.

“No.”

With that Kaz turned back around and walked down the hall. Matthias groaned and caught up.

“Why?! You can’t tell me you haven’t seen it,” Matthias shot as Kaz ignored his frantic demeanour. “They have potential.”

Something passed over his face and Matthias knew kaz had seen it too. But he shook his head again.

“I’m busy Matthias,” Kaz sighed, tension building in his voice. “I have better things to do than save a hopeless high school team.”

“Like what?” Matthias scoffed. “Taking down scammers and betraying Jesper?”

In a swift movement, Matthias was shoved and pinned against the locker with Kaz’s cane across his chest. Kaz looked furious before his face slipped back to normal. He gave one last shove to Matthias' chest and backed up.

“I told you to stay out,” Kaz warned, rolling his shoulders back. “Why does everyone think they can fix this?”

Matthias wondered if Inej must’ve said something earlier. Strangely, Kaz didn’t leave after breaking his facade like that. Did he want to be convinced? Of what, rugby or making up with Jesper?

“Kaz, you can’t just ignore it,” Matthias said exasperatedly. “Jesper isn’t going to do the heavy lifting on this one. He’s a good friend but this is up to you.”

With that Matthias turned and walked back the way he came.

Chapter Text

Chapter twenty-five: Jesper

This could not be fucking worse.

Jesper cringed to himself as he sat on the dinner table facing Colm and Kaz. He had been lucky the past week, everyone was too busy to eat altogether. But now? The one night. On Valentine’s day. None of them had plans? What luck.

“Good day at school?” Colm asked, chewing cluelessly on his food. In the background, a tennis match had been playing for the past few painfully quiet minutes. Colm must’ve been listening to it.

“Alright,” Jesper nodded. He kept his eyes glued to his food, praying his father would go back to listening to the tennis.

“Kaz?” Colm said, looking back around and coughing slightly on his food. Kaz shrugged, Jesper fought a scoff.

Well he didn’t really fight it, because he actually scoffed. Colm snapped his head to him.

“What was that?” Colm crossed his arms. “Attitude?”

“No da,” Jesper sighed rubbing his eyes. “Sorry.”

Colm seemed surprised at his quick surrender, “Oh, uh that’s alright son.”

He coughed again and finally seemed to notice the tension at the table. He frowned, looking between them both. Jesper could feel Kaz looking at him, but he refused to give him the satisfaction of noticing. Colm got up and Jesper felt relieved, only for him to return after turning the tennis off. Jesper was starting to believe this could get a whole lot worse.

“Okay boys,” Colm said, sitting back down in his seat. “What did y’all do?”

Jesper and Kaz were silent. Colm sighed loudly, “We aren’t leaving this table until one of you break.”

“None of us did anything,” Kaz finally replied, Jesper scoffed again.

“Well, I certainly didn’t,” Jesper muttered, it was Kaz’s turn to huff now.

“Couldn’t help yourself. Are you fucking serious? If anyone did anything it was you,” Kaz snapped angrily. “Don’t try that self pity with me, Jesper. I’m the only one who knows.”

Jesper rolled his eyes but he knew he was right. “Stop acting like my dad Kaz,” Jesper bit back. “You acted just as immaturely as I did.”

“Kaz isn’t your da, but I am,” Colm quipped, slamming his hand on the table, silencing them both. “Tell me what happened. Now.”

Jesper waited for Kaz to explain everything. All about Jesper’s mistakes. But nothing came. Jesper looked at Kaz who was staring intently at the table. Was he still covering for him? Or was this so he didn’t have to explain all the illegal things he had done as well?

“I got in trouble…” Jesper confessed, carefully curating his words. “Kaz was helping, but he completely went behind my back and involved everyone, but me!”

“Why don’t you tell him what trouble you go into, huh?” Kaz sneered at him. Colm’s face turned expectantly at Jesper. However, it twisted into something resembling horror as he saw Jesper’s guilty eyes.

“Jesper…” Colm almost whispered. “What did you do?”

The table went silent again and Jesper wanted to throw up. His leg was shaking so rapidly he thought it might tear apart. He needed to get up and walk around or run away. He needed to move, sitting was torture. He looked at Kaz who was staring at Colm now. Jesper gulped.

“Just trouble, doesn’t matter,” Jesper waved it off. He stood and grabbed his plate walking over to the sink.

“Don’t walk away from me,” Colm demanded. “What happened Jesper? What’s wrong?”

Jesper stiffened, he put his plate down and hung his head slightly. He couldn’t face him as he said this.

“I’ve been… gambling again,” He admitted. Colm took a shaky breath and didn’t say a word. Jesper couldn’t look around. His hand was now tapping rapidly on the counter top.

“Not just gambling Jesper,” Kaz spoke now, Jesper rolled his eyes looking over at him now.

“Fuck off Kaz!” he shouted. “I admitted my faults, more than you can say! Just stay out of this!”

“Stay out of it?” Kaz laughed humourlessly. “You’re the one who asked for my help! You involved me and now you’re angry because I didn’t listen to what you said? Tough shit. You are a notoriously bad problem solver, Jesper.”

“Boys please,” Colm pleaded, rubbing his temple as he leaned again the table. But Jesper couldn’t stop, his fury with Kaz was brewing. All the pent up frustration that he couldn’t express was boiling over.

“I asked for help! Not to take over completely and leave me out of it!” Jesper cried. “It’s my money lost. Mine! I’ve been trying to make it up to you, for Saints sake Kaz! When are you going to let me in! How long are you going to make me pay for a little forgiveness!?”

“What do you think my forgiveness looks like, Jordie?”

“I’m not fucking Jordie!” Jesper cried incredulously, completely horrified.

Kaz’s face seemed to stutter, his mouth hung open in an odd sort of O shape. Before he snapped back as quickly as he paused.

“You weren’t just gambling,” Kaz shot back, ignoring what he just said. “You fell for a stupid scam! Colm, that money you loaned Jesper? It’s gone, all of it. And he hasn’t been able to tell you for months.”

“Shut up Kaz!” Jesper bellowed as he charged for him, slinging them both to the ground. This felt good, Jesper needed to get his frustration out. He needed to move, to do something, anything. This past week he couldn’t sit still and his anger for Kaz festered.

They flew into the living room, where they immediately began toppling over each other. Jesper had him by the shoulders and slammed him into the floor. Then a moment passed and Kaz was winning. He had shoved him harshly and spun around holding Jesper in a headlock. Jesper wiggled around helplessly. He kicked Kaz’s leg who winced, but didn’t give in.

“Let me go dickhead!” Jesper shouted, squirming uselessly.

“Boys! Break apart now!” Colm boomed furiously. “NOW!”

Kaz froze and loosened his grip, Jesper stopped moving. Colm rarely got angry like this, Jesper had only seen him this way once. Kaz probably hadn’t.

“Fucking stand up ya shites!” Colm spat, angrily. “I am completely ashamed of the both of ya.”

His accent was incredibly harsh now, militant almost. Jesper shuddered and stood to attention. Kaz did as well, more begrudgingly.

“When do we ever deal with our arguments through fighting and shouting? Huh?” Colm demanded. “Because I sure as hell didn’t teach you that Jesper. Or tell you that was okay Kaz.”

He sighed deeply, his face was completely red but seemed to be calming down. He flopped onto the couch and held his head in his hands. Jesper wanted to throw up again.

“Kaz go to your room,” Colm muffled through his fingers. “Jesper sit.”

Kaz seemed to hesitate a moment, then shot a look at Jesper. He nodded then walked away.

Did he seem… guilty?

With a heavy heart, Jesper sat down beside his father. His leg rapidly tapped against the floor.

“Dad, I’m so…” Jesper tried to say, his voice cracked and he swallowed his guilt. “Sorry, really I am.”

“I know son,” Colm said, finally raising his head. To Jesper dismay, his cheeks were wet with tears. Jesper felt his own eyes begin to well. He had let his father down yet again.

He recalled the first time Colm had found out he was gambling.

Jesper had left his computer open by accident as he had fallen asleep. When he awoke, his father was scrolling through all of it. He remembered the screaming matches, the denying and the frustration. To him, his father was overreacting. He could stop whenever he wanted. Except he truly couldn’t and never wanted to either.

It wasn’t until he lost a thousand of his da’s money that he came to the horrible realisation that this wasn’t a fun game anymore and he couldn’t just stop.

After another fight with his father, this horrible confession erupted out of him. He hadn’t seen his father cry that hard since his mother died. Jesper was out of a school for a little bit, his da sent him to a support group. It was boring and Jesper couldn’t sit still. Listening to people drone on for hours was not Jespers strongest area. It was easier to just lie about getting better.

It was useless and he started gambling again not too long after finishing it. And every night his father would tell him how proud he was, and every night Jesper would stay up on his computer.

Then he found Bajan, a golden opportunity. He could pay his father back the thousand he had lost.

But he failed, just like he always did. His beginners luck never came to fruition again. He would never win like he used to.

Kaz wasn’t apart of his problems, but he knew it was happening. At first that’s why Jesper thought he was helping him. But he had overlooked Kaz’s selfishness. Now, Jesper reaped the consequences of his actions, suffering the heart ache of his father and Kaz’s disappointment.

“You know, when your mother first died I-” Colm sniffed. “I- wasn’t the best… support for you. For that, i’m sorry Jesper.”

“What?” Jesper frowned. Why was his dad apologising? “Da this is my fault. I’ve realised now, I don’t just make things worse, anything that involves me is polluted from the beginning.”

“Jesper-”

“No dad,” Jesper sighed, playing with his nails. “Don’t tell me it isn’t true. I’ve heard it from enough people to know they’re right. My rugby team, my teachers, Kaz, even my family. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of letting you all down. I try dad, I try to not disappoint you. I just-”

Colm reached out and wrapped his arms around Jesper. In his embrace, Jesper paused his jittering. He stopped shaking his leg, he stopped tapping his fingers. He just stopped.

“I miss ma.” His voice broke and before he knew it, tears were streaming down his face. That’s what it was. Nothing would ever be able to fill the void his mother had left.

“I know son, I know,” Colm whispered, rubbing his back fatherly.

“She would be so disappointed in me,” Jesper sobbed.

“No, Jesper,” Colm barked, grabbing his shoulders and raising him up. “She’d be disappointed to hear you talk of yourself this way. She would be disappointed if you gave up the pursuit of being better. I know how hard you try to do things right, but that’s all that matters, Jesper. Just try, try and do the good thing. You’re a great kid, she would be so proud of your heart.”

Jesper fell back into his fathers arms and savoured the moment. His shame and guilt was being melted within the warmth of da’s arms. They sat like that for a while before Jesper broke off, sniffling.

“I’ll make it up to you da,” he promised.

“How do ya plan to do that? Huh?” Colm chuckled, shaking his head. Jesper pondered this. He had claimed that on a whim.

“Rugby, I’ll win the games,” Jesper vowed.

“Son, you haven’t won a game in over four years,” Colm sighed and reached for the remote. “You can’t promise that.”

“I can and I did,” Jesper shrugged.

“Nice to see you back in your own world,” Colm sighed, rubbing his hair. “Do I need to take you out of school again?”

Jespers eyes widened. “No, no! I haven’t gambled in…” he trailed off and realised how long it had been. “It’s been months.”

Colm studied him intently. “If it gets bad again… I’ll sort something out. Just be honest with me Jesper,” he patted his leg before turning the tennis match back on. “Go up and talk to Kaz. You boys don’t serve well as enemies. I don’t like when you fight.”

Colm looked at him with soft eyes and Jesper gave a short nod. “I will,” he said and turned away.

“Hang on,” Colm stopped him. “When you said Kaz was helping you… is he… he isn’t talking to those guys again, is he?”

Jesper stiffened slightly, Colm’s eyes glistened in the TV light. Jesper scratched his head and blew out a low breath. He didn’t really know in all honesty. Kaz hadn’t told him anything. But he knew whatever he was doing wasn’t legal. He couldn't tell his da that, he didn’t need other things to stress about. And maybe Kaz didn’t deserve it either.

“No da, he’s was just working on finding out how I got scammed,” Jesper reassured him. “Online shit, that’s all.”

Colm nodded and seemed to accept this, he sat down on his usual brown cushioned arm chair. Jesper turned to leave.

He took two steps at a time, his shoulders had a large weight lifted off and living was easier again. The pep was back in his step. But he wasn’t fully retributed yet.

“Why’d you cover for me?” Kaz asked from the shadows.

“Saints! Creepy much?” Jesper jumped, grabbing for the railing. “I don’t know, he didn’t need more stress. Also this is my fault. Even though I’m furious with you, it’s not fair for you to be caught for something I caused.”

Kaz didn’t respond and Jesper couldn’t see his face. He could be sneering for all he knew. But he wasn’t, Jesper was sure. He continued up the stairs as Kaz fell quiet.

“I didn’t meant to call you Jordie,” Kaz spoke again, surprising Jesper.

“Why did you?”

“I guess you just remind me of him,” Kaz admitted, his voice dangerously low. “He was someone I trusted. Someone I didn’t want to lose.”

Jesper sighed. He didn’t know Kaz when Jordie had died, but he’d known about it. It was the only thing on the news for months. The same headline on every newspaper.

“Youth Champion Hurler, Jordie Rietveld, lost to steroids. Raises concerns for young athletes around the world.”

He remembered the memorial for him well. The one Kaz refuses to visit.

“I have a lead, on Bajan’s group,” Kaz told him, his previous softer tone gone like it was never there. “I’m getting close to the centre. Bajan isn’t the leader, he’s a frontman.”

Jesper frowned but nodded, too scared to say anything more. Like if he spoke, Kaz would snap out of whatever trance he was in. He wasn’t risking it.

“Also Matthias asked me to coach your team.”

Now Jesper couldn’t stay quiet, “What!? How, when… what? What did you say?”

“No, of course.”

Jesper rubbed his eyes, he looked around. What was happening? Why was Kaz telling him all of this now? Did Jesper finally prove himself trustworthy? He hoped it was Kaz realising his mistakes, trying to open up.

Jesper thought of Wylan’s piercing eyes asking if he was okay. He hadn’t realised how Kaz’s absence was impacting him. No matter how much he resented what happened, Jesper had missed his companion. It’s strange that Wylan could see it so clearly. Jesper had grown lonely without Kaz.

“You should do it,” Jesper sighed.

“Why?”

“Because Kaz, you were a bloody amazing player and you made our last team better even if you verbally abused us. You know your shit, and you know how to keep people in line. I love Matthias, but he isn’t the man for the job. I can see why he asked. Maybe it would be good for you too.”

“When did you decide to become so mature?” Kaz mused.

“I also want to win. I made a stupid promise.”

“I see,” Kaz trailed off into silence, but Jesper didn’t leave. Despite Kaz not moving, he could see his face a little better. Jesper could see the gears turning. Scheming, maybe.

“Just consider-”

“I’ll see you bright and early,” Kaz cut him off promptly.

“Wait, what?” Jesper blinked rapidly, before a slow smile emerged on his face. “You’d really do it?”

“It’s your own funeral,” Kaz merely shrugged. “Bring extra refreshments.”

Just like that Jesper’s smile dropped with what this entailed. Kaz was going to torture all the poor boys in the Dregs, Jesper included.

Kaz chuckled cruelly and turned around. Jesper watched his usual early minutes fade away.

“I regret this.”

“Shame.”

Chapter Text

Chapter twenty-six: Kaz

How can they already be tired?

Kaz thought frowning, his arms crossed observing the scattered rugby team basically running at walking pace. He could hear their heaving from where he was across the oval. Matthias was leading the pack, cheering them on. One boy collapsed.

It was their second lap.

“Alright, gather up!” Kaz called out to the team. They all skid to a halt, throwing up their hands in relief. They ran faster back to Kaz than they had the entire lap.

“Is it break coach?” a new player Pim asked. Kaz raised a brow.

“After the warm-up run?” He questioned. Pim blinked. “That you couldn’t even finish? No.”

A chorus of groans and cries erupted, Kaz clapped his hands loudly together. Their voices fizzled out.

“Alright on the ground, now!” Kaz ordered, they dropped almost immediately at his tone. “I want you to stretch every inch of your legs, because after you do, you’re all running again. I don’t want anymore half-arsed drills even if it’s warm-ups. If anyone doesn’t complete one lap in under two minutes, the whole team has to do it again.”

Bitter mumbling and chattering began, Kaz ignored them. They didn’t like his drill? Too bad. He had warned them if they couldn’t handle it, to leave before he started.

They had assumed it was a joke. Looking around, he was sure they understood now.

“Hey Kaz, this is really good,” Matthias praised, walking up to him casually. “They’re really listening. I-”

“What are you doing?”

“Huh?”

Kaz locked his hands behind his back, giving Matthias a once over, “Did I say you weren’t included in the stretching? Floor, now.”

Matthias’s face faltered in surprise but he shut his mouth promptly. Stepping back, he frowned and mumbled irritably before dropping to the floor nonetheless.

Kaz walked over to a bench, his eyes glued to the group and massaged his leg. He had expected that during these sessions it would get sore. But he decided it didn’t matter.

When Matthias first approached him about the idea, Kaz had rejected it quickly. The Dregs team was a lost cause to him. They had no will or grit of any kind. Anyway, he already had his hands full between Bajan, school and his old friends that had started urging him to return the favour he called in for Oomen.

But he had seen something, hadn’t he? In the training before his altercation with Bajan. He saw an energy, a possibility for growth. Something he knew could grow into skill.

Matthias had seen it too. It’s why he was always so adamant about pulling them together. Probably why he resorted to asking Kaz to take charge too. He believed that Kaz could make a difference, like he did before. Kaz was sure he could too.

He just wasn’t sure if he cared enough.

Ultimately, it was Jesper that had convinced him. He still wasn’t sure where he and Jesper stood, but it was better than before. Kaz still wasn’t willing to let him in on the scamming business. But after covering for him, Kaz knew he owed him something.

And maybe Jesper had a point, it could be good for him to scream at people again.

“Right, times up!” Kaz shouted, as he stood from his seat. “Now, we ready to do the warm-up again?”

There were some murmurs that rippled through the crowd. Weak and quiet.

“I can’t fucking hear you!”

“Yes coach!” they all said in unison.

“C’mon, I’ve seen you all out there before. Where’s the energy? Tired?” Kaz scoffed loudly. The team looked around at each other laughing timidly too. “Now, are you ready to retry the warm-up?”

“Yes coach!” They shouted insistently.

“Finally,” Kaz sighed loudly, taking a stop-watch out of his pocket. “Right, no one under two minutes. One… Two… Go.”

With that, the boys sped off in a frantic manner, whooping and hollering. Mostly Jesper.

“Got the attendance sheet, coach Brekker?” Lanstov joked from behind him. Turning around, Kaz gestured to the clipboard on the floor before turning his attention back to the running. Nikolai whistled lowly.

“They look better already,” Nikolai complimented. Kaz hummed, listening to scribbling behind him.

“Everyone here but Oomen?”

Kaz rolled his shoulders back, “Yep.”

Nikolai began whistling an annoying tune and Kaz heard him walk away.

Oomen hadn’t been at school in days now, and Kaz was glad to see it. He knew what happened to him. He had been sent photo proof by the boys. It was enough to hurt like hell, but not enough for a hospital visit.

Realistically, he should’ve returned by now. But he was sure Oomen knew who sent them, or at least had a hunch. Hopefully, he would realise his place and back off from Inej.

He’d probably leave the team once he found out Kaz was coaching anyway. If he ever returned to school.

The team began returning. Matthias first, then Jesper and all the others. Looking at the watch, there was only a couple seconds left. Most of the boys had completed the run, but some lagged behind.

“Thirty seconds!” Kaz announced to all of them.

The team began yelling and berating the slower runners. As each passed the line, they cheered in celebration before turning their attention to the next one. There was one final person lingering behind all.

“Lets go Bollinger!”

“Yeah, c’mon Bollinger!”

He was completely red, and dragged his feet. As he passed the line, he collapsed to the floor into a mess. Happy cries broke out, and the boys began hugging and cheering in a circle. They began chanting the old Ketterdam Dregs winning song.

Slowly, as the energy fizzled out they began turning their attention back to Kaz. All still breathing heavily and sweat seemed to ooze off them. Even their legs shook slightly as they waited anticipatedly.

“Ten seconds over the time. Stretch and we go again.”

“Kaz, you’re killing me,” Jesper droned. His shoulders were hunched over and his knees sagged to the floor. He was clutching his thighs in a painful manner. “A whole training of just running?! Are you insane?”

“People at the bottom need to start there,” Kaz explained for what felt like a millionth time. “You all have no skill or talent, I need to build something of substance before actually coach rugby.”

“We don’t have long before the games actually start though Kaz,” Matthias chirped up. He was walking significantly easier than Jesper, but Kaz noticed a slight drag in his feet.

“We have a month, Helvar, I know,” Kaz rolled his eyes and cracked his knuckles. “With multiple trainings a week. I have it sorted.”

“Don’t crack your knuckles like that Kaz,” Jesper told him. “Makes me feel threatened.”

“Good.”

Once they reached the corner store, Kaz pulled out his pack of cigarettes. He hadn’t had one in over a week, his schedule demanded otherwise. Placing it in his mouth, he brought a lighter to the end before someone slapped it out of his mouth. “What the fuck?!”

“No smoking!” Matthias cried. “You’re a coach now!”

“Coach not player, dipshit!” Kaz shouted back angrily, he looked at his sad cigarette soaking in a puddle on the floor. “I can’t believe you just made me waste that. I’m getting a second anyway. If you ruin this one, I’m taking your hand with it.”

He reached for another and Matthias did not seem to take this hint. He cried out and attempted to take the packet from Kaz.

“Get the fu-”

Kaz grabbed Matthias’s jacket trying to yank him away. Matthias tilted sideway slamming them into the wall. Kaz had a firm grip on it whilst Matthias was pulling with all his might.

Kaz felt Matthias hand graze his wrist, a familiar sickly feeling emerged. Kaz slammed his heel into Matthias foot. He yelped and stumbled back. Kaz straightened himself and grabbed another cigarette.

“Don’t you ever grab me like that again or I’ll-”

“Kaz?” a voice said from the other side of the corner.

“Oh hey, it’s the dream team!” Jesper exclaimed excitedly.

Inej, Nina and Wylan stood watching the altercation holding chocolate bars they must’ve just purchased.

Kaz sometimes hated how communal this store was.

“Matthias are you alright?” Inej asked, walking towards them.

Matthias twisted his ankle to soothe it, sending Kaz a glare, “Fine, lucky I’m not injured.”

“Spare me,” Kaz rolled his eyes, taking a drag. He turned and locked eyes with Inej, she was concealing a smile. His stomach dropped nervously.

“How was your Valentine’s?” Jesper inquired, sending a wink Wylan’s way.

“Probably not as exciting as yours,” Wylan shrugged, avoiding his eye.

”Actually,” Jesper coughed. “I didn’t have plans.”

“Well aren’t we a lucky bunch?” Nina poked, leaning on Inej casually. But Kaz could see her eyes instinctively darting Matthias’s way. “We can make up for it at the party.”

Jesper choked on seemingly his own spit, “What party? Why wasn’t I informed about this?”

“Madeline Michaud’s seventeenth?” Nina said as if it was the most obvious thing. “Maybe you didn’t get an invite because you blew her off after that little date of yours.”

Jesper mimicked her from the opposite side of Matthias, who smacked him on the arm slightly.

“Don’t worry, I’ll find a way in,” Jesper shrugged, stretching his arms out wide. “I’m very convincing.”

“See Nina!” Inej exclaimed suddenly. “Jesper will go with you instead!”

“Nuh uh, Inej,” Nina tutted, eyes widening evilly. “You already agreed remember?”

Inej seemed to open her mouth to protest but decided against it.

Kaz tried to block out the conversation. He knew about Madeline’s party, she had invited him during one of his classes. Despite telling her no, she ended up sending him the address anyway. Against his will.

Parties thrown by people from Ketterdam University were shitshows, and not even the fun kind. They were awful. The police were always called and people would vomit anywhere they pleased. They would get too drunk and cry, fight or disappear together all in one night.

Kaz couldn’t breathe in those rooms. He couldn’t move without someone brushing up against him or toppling into him. He just couldn’t. Even when he did attend, finding a rigid seat in the room was a necessary chore.

Nobody he considered of importance went to these parties anyway. During a recent gathering he had been forced by Jesper. Imogen had made it very clear why exactly she invited him.

He remembered the feeling of her hand grabbing him. She clung to him like an animal. He tried to fight the feeling but the coldness and empty feeling of her touch, made him paralysed. Then, he was back there, it wasn’t Imogen’s cold skin touching him, it was his brothers.

She was apparently furious after he shoved her off him. He ran out the house and threw up on the lawn. Everyone assumed he drank too much. It was better they believed that lie than try to uncover the truth.

That was the last party he had attended and he had planned to keep it that way.

But Inej was going.

So what?

“Matthias?” Nina snapped Kaz out of his daze. She was looking forcibly passive and Kaz restrained from calling her out. “You’re going to the party.”

“Are you telling me or asking?” Matthias inquired, frowning suspiciously.

“Well, I assumed you’d know better than anyone that decisions can be made for you,” She quipped aggressively, her eyes darting around the place.

“Wha-,” Matthias responded looking lost. Nina rolled her eyes. He looked to the side with a calculated expression on his face. He was probably figuring out what he did wrong this time.

“What about you, rich boy?” Jesper asked, slyly gliding next to Wylan.

“I’m uh… not going,” Wylan muttered, he looked embarrassed. “My father would never let me.”

“Oh fuck Van Eck,” Jesper groaned, throwing his arms around Wylan’s shoulders. “Have some fun. I’ll sneak you out if you need.”

“You don’t understand.”

“I-,” something passed over Jesper’s face, suddenly Kaz was more interested in this conversation. “Well-”

“Just leave it Jesper,” Inej told him, exhaling deeply. Surprisingly, Jesper complied.

Kaz made a mental note of this exchange. He dropped his cigarette butt on the floor and stomped it out with his foot.

“What about you Kaz?” Inej’s cool voice inquired. Kaz looked up, Nina burst out laughing.

“Please, he doesn’t lik-”

“I’m going,” Kaz shrugged, pushing off from the wall. Nina looked affronted, she crossed her arms. “Is that okay with you?”

“Well I-” Nina stuttered, she looked between Kaz and Inej. “What?”

“Well, well, Kaz Brekker finally inherited the Fahey party gene,” Jesper began stalking over to Kaz. “I didn’t even have to force you this time!”

Kaz rolled his eyes and shoved his hands in his pockets. As he caught Inej’s eye, she quickly looked away.

He was almost certain Oomen was going to be there. Scum associated with scum and judging from the party list, it was guaranteed. Kaz had a feeling that drunk Oomen was more stupid and impulsive than sober. If Inej was caught alone with him, he might take out his frustrations on her. Or he might tell her about Kaz’s mates. He couldn’t have either of those happening.

If Inej found out Kaz had contacted the boys again and decides to ask Jesper about it…

“Well, I’ll see you all tomorrow,” Inej bid them farewell, her eyes flicked back to Kaz. “And this weekend, possibly.”

With that, Inej waved and crossed the road, Nina blew kisses to Wylan who stayed.

“Need a ride?” Matthias asked.

“Waiting for one actually,” Wylan sighed, shoulders drooping. “Late, as always.”

“Van Eck?”

Wylan coughed slightly and shrugged. He became very closed off. Kaz had to admit, the kid was certainly interesting him today.

Kaz felt his phone vibrate against his hand in his jacket. Pulling it out, he looked down at the number. Unknown. Clicking onto the chat, he read the message quickly.

Unknown Number

Monday 4:01 pm

Hey Dirtyhands, see you at the shop there. Need the favour returned now, walk towards east stave.

“Who’s texting?” Jesper asked beside him.

Kaz shrugged, “Wrong number. But I need to go.”

“What?” Matthias shook his head.

“Forgot something back at school. I’m trying to make the team better,” Kaz spoke as if it was the most obvious thing. “Can’t do that if I wing every practice. I forgot my plan.”

With that, he turned and listened to the faint goodbyes. Kaz waved his cane in the air and continued.

Looking to the pavement, he focused on the cracks of each. It was crazy that after all this time, Kaz could always tell where he was in the city by looking at the floor. Anywhere in Ketterdam. He’d always known.

Within the constant tapping of his cane and the clicking of his heel and he tried to return a sharper mentality. He glanced over his shoulder for one last look at the three. They weren’t looking. He swiftly turned.

As he continued down a side street, he heard the slight rev of an engine behind him. He walked with a methodical tap and click as the engine got louder.

The street grew darker and narrower, each sound echoing more than the last. Once he reached the darkest part of the street, he stopped and turned. Spotting the dingy car at the end, he gave it a nod as it pulled up beside him. 

“Brekker, my boy,” a voice without a face cackled. “Been a while.”

“I like the work you did, Haskell,” Kaz plastered a grin. “Did me well.”

The window began to wind down and Kaz could see inside now. Per Haskell was in the passenger seat with a guy he didn’t recognise. Looking at the back, it was filled with smoke and impossible to decipher who was underneath it.

“Well, time for you to serve me back,” Haskell coughed a throaty wheeze. The door unlocked and opened. “Get in.”

Kaz took one last glance down the street and lowered himself inside. His eyes squinted in the smoke. Luckily, some of it emptied out as the door was open. To his side sat Geels. 

“Nice to see ya again Geels,” Kaz smirked. “Honestly impressed you lasted.”

“Fuck off Brekker,” he shot back. The boy took a long drag of his cigarette and scoffed.

“And the girlfriend?”

Geels shifted in his seat, muttering. Haskell spun around with a stern expression. Geels cowered into his seat. Kaz didn’t follow. Haskell’s angry demeanour didn’t last long before his laughter filled the car.

“Ah Kaz, ya kill me,” he chuckled before spinning back around. He gestured for the driver to move and began tapping a rhythm on the dash board.

Kaz sighed and spread himself out in the backseat. It had been a while, but not that long. Kaz still remembered the rules. Make yourself big, make yourself known.

He always played the game, almost as well as rugby. It was all intertwined. They called him dirtyhands on the field for his ferocity. But with these guys? Dirtyhands was something worse.

Kaz wasn’t sure exactly where he would be if the Fahey’s hadn’t abducted him. Though, he knew one thing. That he would have survived either way.

“So what’s the job?” Kaz ruined the quiet, he tapped his good leg.

There was a mutual pause that Kaz didn’t appreciate. He hated being in a room where people knew things he didn’t.

“Just a little warning to be issued,” Haskell laughed too easily. “You could always deliver those well.”

Kaz didn’t like this. He knew it was owed, but he’d rather be selling something. Not to say that he was out of practice, but something was more twisted inside him now. It wasn’t morals or even guilt. It was someone’s face making him ill.

“Here,” Haskell announced. “Kaz leads, Geels shadows.”

“Wha-” Geels sputtered angrily. “I-”

“Shut it,” Haskell warned. Geels left the car like a child and Haskell began tapping the irritating tune again. Kaz was finished with his nonsense.

“This and I am done,” Kaz hissed into his ear as he had one foot out the door. He saw Haskell’s head twist in recognition, but he began to cackle.

“You’re never done, kid.”

Chapter Text

Chapter twenty-seven: Nina

Look at me, look at me, look at me.

Nina chanted in her head, glaring at the back of Matthias’s head in biology. Her foot was tapping the table aggressively causing it to vibrate. 

“Nina?” Adrik asked with a raised brow. “Are you alright?”

“Perfect, thanks,” Nina cut shortly, tapping her fingers on the table now. She drummed loudly, hunching over the table. She was aware of how insane she must look, but she didn’t care.

Playing it cool in front of Matthias had not been working. After her brutal rejection, she was determined to prove to him that it didn’t bother her. That his frantic dodging didn’t send a stake through her heart.

Friends. She could do that. After all this time of wondering where they stood with one another? Nina could do 'friends'. Rivals was too painful and lovers would be complicated. But friends? Sure.

Except Matthias seemed to accept it. Which was not a part of her plan.

Okay, she lied.

She couldn’t be friends! Who was she kidding? She thought about him in all kinds of unfriendly ways. But her plan of playing it chill for Matthias so he would eventually realise what he was missing had been failing. He seemed more unbothered than her. So Nina was beginning to revert to her natural instincts of hating his guts out of frustration.

“Trouble in paradise?” Adrik snickered. Nina snapped her head back, eyes wild. She calmed herself and leaned back on her seat shrugging.

“I am completely-”

“Zenik,” Zoya snapped. “This is a quiet study. I suggest you take this opportunity to prepare for the test.”

She offered a knowing look and Nina was offended. This test would be aced, but studying for it was out of the question.

She lowered her gaze to the table but continued to whisper to Adrik. He seemed like a good third-party outsider with a valuable perspective. Also as brutally honest as they came.

“Why do you ask? Matthias say anything?”

“I don’t speak to Matthias,” Adrik scoffed. “Don’t tell me you’re that desperate.”

“Desperate! Really? I’m not-”

“Nina!” Zoya snapped, slamming her book on the table. “You’re staying after class. Five minutes.”

Nina groaned and placed her head in her hands. She heard Adrik chuckle next to her and she fought the urge to smack him. Rubbing her eyes, she looked up.

As her eyes adjusted to the light, she realised beautiful icy blue eyes were fixed on her. She felt her heart skip. Shaking off her nerves, she leaned back in her chair.

Usually, she’d send him a wink. But that wasn’t friendly behaviour. She gave a short smile and waved. His scruffy brows furrowed and he twisted his arm around to wave slightly too.

She took her two fingers and placed them on her head to resemble a gun. Pretending to shoot it, she tilted sideways and stuck her tongue out.

When she opened her eyes, Matthias was shaking quietly with laughter. Nina took her win proudly.

“Ten minutes, Zenik,” Zoya sighed, not looking up from her book.

Nina ended up stuck behind during the entire break. She spent the rest of the day cursing Zoya’s entire existence.

Zoya was targeting her, but she couldn’t prove it. So, Nina consistently sounded like a paranoid freak.

“She has it out for me!” Nina exclaimed to Wylan and Inej. “Ms Nazalensky hates me and I didn’t even do anything wrong!”

“I’m sure she doesn’t hate you,” Wylan reassured absentmindedly. He attempted to kick a rock on the pavement, but his foot missed by an inch. Inej grabbed him as he toppled.

“Look, Nina, I don’t know how to say this nicely,” Inej said, looking at Nina sheepishly. “But you aren’t the best student.”

“What do you mean!” Nina was outraged, she crossed her arms angrily. “I get straight A’s.”

“I mean…” Inej shot a sideways glance at Wylan. “You’re a bit of a troublemaker.”

“Well sue me for bringing life back into the classroom,” Nina muttered offended.

Sure, she liked to have a chat or two in class. But she still passed with flying colours. Zoya just couldn’t see that. She had characterised Nina into a little box and it was impossible to escape from it. Nina couldn’t breathe in her class without detention.

“Uh guys,” Wylan whispered insistently. “Not to scare you Nina, but Zoya is coming our way.”

Nina’s eyes bulged from her head, “See!” She shot a look towards Inej, who rolled her eyes.

“Miss Zenik?” a callous voice called. “A word?”

Nina fought her aggravation down as she dug her nails into her palm. Taking a deep breath, she turned and plastered on a grim smile. Her shoulders were still tight and stiff. Zoya looked at her with her usual unimpressed face, her fingers drumming on her forearm.

Nina shot Inej and Wylan one last ‘help me’ look as they shuffled away to wait beside the gate. Nina cleared her throat awkwardly and began rolling on her heel.

“Stop that,” Zoya instructed. Nina did, clicking her tongue.

“What do you need to talk to me about?” Nina asked through her teeth.

“Your assignment Nina? The one due two weeks ago?” Zoya sighed, scratching her forehead tiredly. “You haven’t handed it up. Did you forget about it?”

Shit. “Oh, uh… No!” Nina said hurriedly. “I’ve just left it at home. I’ll bring it tomorrow, sorry about that.”

Zoya studied her and Nina wanted to crawl out of her skin. Zoya could see right through her, always could. Whatever Nina was about to do and especially when she was lying. Every time.

Nina swallowed a painful gulp and tugged the corner of her mouth back into a smile. Zoya exhaled deeply and stepped closer to Nina.

“I’m aware of your circumstances Nina,” she said carefully. “But I cannot keep using that as an excuse, neither can the school. You’ve been lucky so far, but I can no longer go easy.”

This has been her going easy?

“I understand,” Nina nodded. Then she paused. Wait, what situation was she talking about?

“Sorry… situation?” Nina repeated, frowning slightly.

“I’ve been informed about some issues at home,” Zoya explained. “And your friends are often finding themselves in similar situations here in the college. I understand that might be distracting, but it's important to keep a firm grip on your education.”

Her family, as in her mother? Well, her assignment was due around the time her mother had left. But how would she know that? She hadn’t told anyone except Inej and…

“You are walking a tight rope Nina,” Zoya sighed. “I’m trying to make sure there is a net before you fall.”

But she was barely listening. Nina was speechless. Her stomach twisted nervously at her realisation. Had Matthias said something? It certainly wasn’t Inej, she knew better than anyone what privacy meant. Who else but Matthias? Surely he wouldn’t betray her like that.

“Was it Mat-”

“Just bring it by tomorrow,” Zoya cut her off swiftly, turning away. “And our counsellor, Alina, is always open.”

With that, Zoya’s heels clicked perfectly on the cobblestone as she sashayed away. Her bright black hair blew effortlessly in the wind. Nina wanted to throw a rock at her. And maybe a brick at Matthias.

Her previous longing had been crushed. She was furious. He had no right to tell her business to anyone. Let alone the school! She didn’t need the excuse. She was perfectly functional and now all her teachers might be aware of her situation. Bullshit. What had he told them? Was she about to get CPS at her doorstep?

“What did she say?” Inej asked suddenly right beside her. Nina jumped slightly and turned.

“I’m going to kill Matthias,” Nina pledged and stormed off towards the gates. Wylan and Inej followed hesitantly behind.

“Little fucker…” Nina muttered angrily under her breath. They had just walked away from the encounter with the three boys. Regretfully, leaving Wylan behind, but he was being picked up soon.

“I can’t believe it,” Inej laughed almost breathless.

“Ha! Tell me about it!” Nina scoffed disbelievingly. “He acted completely clueless. Thinking I don’t know.”

“What? Oh yeah,” Inej coughed slightly, seeming befuddled. Nina shot her a look and frowned suspiciously.

“What were you thinking?” Nina asked, nudging her. Inej looked to the sky and shrugged. Her nose twitched and Nina knew she was hiding something. She kept nudging her arm until Inej threw her hands up.

“I don’t know, I thought Kaz going to the party was surprising! That’s all,” Inej confessed, shoving her hand in her pocket.

She looked down and Nina could tell she was embarrassed. After a moment longer, her focus refined. The way her hair was tucked behind her ear, her shrugged shoulders, her thoughtful face.

Nina gagged. “Oh no, no, no,” she stopped, her gloved hands slapped over her mouth.

Inej paused too, looking around panicked. “What? What?” she cried, hurrying back to Nina’s side.

“You like Kaz!” Nina cried emotionally. Her hands clasped over her head and Nina faked gagged. Inej laughed forcibly, shoving Nina.

“Go away, I do not,” Inej reasoned quickly. “I couldn’t- just no.”

Nina didn’t say another word and stared at Inej with widened eyes. Her face was surely a depiction of utter horror. This couldn’t be happening.

Inej rolled her eyes and turned. She walked away with her hands surrendered, muttering to herself. Nina ran to catch up, pulling Inej back and placing her hands on her shoulders.

“Inej Ghafa, trust me, these feelings are temporary,” Nina pleaded to an unimpressed Inej. “Most girls at Ketterdam College go through this phase with Kaz. But you will get past this sickness. I’ll be with you every step of the way. I won’t leave you behind. Come on, bring it in.”

Nina then tried to pull Inej into a hug, but she was shoved off. “Nina, I told you! I don’t like him,” Inej snorted.

“Oh my dear child,” Nina shook her head defeatedly. “You don’t even realise. You know, I’ve been waiting for the day you become interested in boys. I just… I prayed it wouldn’t be-“

Nina cut herself off with a fake sob and Inej shoved her again. “Seriously Nina, leave it,” Inej warned, finger pointed in her face. “If you bring this joke up around him I’ll-”

She never finished her sentence though as her eyes focused on something in the background. Nina followed her gaze as a car pulled up beside them. It was a new car, freshly cleaned with fancy black rims and tinted windows. Nina frowned and put her hand across Inej. Who the fuck is this?

The window screeched as it slid down. Nina lowered her head slightly to see inside. Her heart nearly obliterated when she saw who it was.

“Dad?” Nina confirmed as he stepped out of the driver's seat. He walked over to the sidewalk with his fresh cashmere suit and his clean polished black boots. He buttoned up his blazer like a true businessman and split into an easy grin.

“My girl,” he cried, extending his arms as he walked towards Nina. She narrowed her eyes and stepped back. After a second, his arms dropped and he exhaled deeply. “Inej! Nice to see you’re both still friends.”

“Sir,” Inej replied shortly.

Nina’s jaw clicked.

“Look, I was in the neighbourhood and wanted to pick you up from school,” he replied, playing with his collar. “I can bring you both home.”

“I’d rather walk,” Nina replied curtly.

“Just let me-”

“No.”

“Nina.”

“I said no.”

“Get in the car!” he shouted, finally losing his cool. His carefully slicked back hair, stuck up as he jerked frantically. “Saints Nina, just- just let me drive you.”

Nina embarrassingly flinched as he yelled. She felt a warm hand wrap around her own and squeeze tightly. Nina shut her eyes for a moment trying to relax. She was grateful that Inej was there at that moment. The cool air whipped at her face as she thought of what to say.

“Just let him drive us,” Inej whispered in Nina’s ear. Nina opened her eyes and glanced up at her expectant father.

“Fine.”

Nina blinked and found herself sitting in the backseat of her father's car, adjusting on the uncomfortable leather. Inej still had not let go of her hand, despite them being a seat apart. She had no idea where to look, or what to do. Her father barely said anything since they got inside.

“Why are you here Dad?” Nina asked, lifting her chin. She refused to be intimidated, no matter how much her heart leapt in her throat as she talked.

At first, he didn’t respond and Nina was sure he wasn’t going to. Then his cool voice filled the car. “What? I pay the school bills but I can’t see my child,” He scoffed, tapping his fingers on the wheel. “Do you want the heat up?”

Typical, answering but not answering. She forgot how frustrating it was to communicate with this man. She shook her head and he turned it up anyway. Nina felt sweat begin to prickle on her forehead but wasn’t sure if it was the heater.

In the background, a tune whistled out the radio. Diana Ross’s voice became the only consistent one in the car.

“How’s your… er, drama thing going?” he asked awkwardly. Nina wanted to laugh.

“I quit drama three years ago,” Nina said. “But yeah, it’s going great.”

Her dad sighed loudly, “I wish you didn’t have so much resentment towards me Nina. The issues were between me and your mother.”

Issues meaning he cheated and tore apart Nina’s world.

Issues that affected her and her mother even today.

Issues that had chased her since she was ten years old, and charged every decision she made.

Issues that made her mother into the insecure woman she is. He was ignorant, she knew this. But she hadn’t realised he was stupid too.

Inej squeezed her hand once more, giving Nina the courage to respond, “I don’t feel anything toward you, Mark. You make sure I don’t.”

She felt the car begin to slow. Inej and Nina looked at each other.

“Sorry Inej, I forgot I had a meeting,” he chirped, as if he hadn’t been airing their business to her. “Do you mind getting out at Nina’s?”

“That’s okay, I don’t live far away,” Inej nodded and stepped out of the car, notably not thanking him. As the door shut, Nina turned back to her dad.

“I don’t know what your motive was here, but just leave me alone,” Nina said, then got out before he could respond.

As he sped off, gas blew into their faces. They both coughed harshly and turned. “Arse,” Nina wheezed, clutching her chest. Catching Inej’s eye, she was grateful to see a smile. Her eyes were not filled with pity like she feared, but with pride.

“You can come stay at my house if you want,” Nina offered. “Classic Mark, not fulfilling promises.”

Inej shook her head laughing, “I’m okay Nina. You know I like walking.”

With that, Inej wrapped her in a tight hug. Nina took in the embrace, warmer than her father’s car heater. They stood for a while holding each other as the wind whipped around them. As leaves swirled around them, she clung to Inej like she was the only solid thing in the world.

“You’re my best friend,” Nina mumbled into her hair. She felt Inej shake with laughter as they tore apart.

“I better be!” Inej exclaimed. “I’ve known you my whole life!”

Nina laughed again and stepped away. Inej gave her a wink and salute as she began walking down the pavement.

“I promise I won't tell Kaz!” Nina called out into the distance. Inej flipped her off and Nina’s laugh cascaded down the road.

Unlocking the door, the house was strangely quiet. Only the sound of the front door creaking open.

Nina was instantly filled with dread. It was just as she remembered. Just as the day her mother had disappeared. Although a faint smell of perfume was evidently coming from the second floor.

Closing the door, she coughed slightly. “Ma!?” she yelled out to the silence. Waiting for an answer. Praying for one.

“Ah! My darling!” a cheerful voice called back. Nina sighed in relief relaxing onto the door frame.

She heard shuffling then thudding of footsteps heading for the stairs. Her relief was short-lived as she saw her mother appear through the darkness.

Her hair was covered with curlers and she was carefully masked with makeup. She was in a tight blue dress and held up two pairs of shoes.

She was going on a date.

“I need your help,” her mother squealed like a girl. “Which one?”

Chapter Text

Chapter twenty-eight: Wylan

Something's wrong, I know it is.

Wylan thought stealing glances at his mother in the back seat. Her hair stuck up in its usual way, but there was something hidden in the wrinkles of her forehead. She sat with her legs crossed, socks mismatched, tapping on her knee absentmindedly.

The driver reached over to change the radio again. Wylan wished she would just pick a station.

Besides the reunion hug and greeting, the car ride had been mostly silent. Wylan checked his watch, they still had twenty minutes to go. He’d lost interest in all the things he had brought for the trip. Forced to sit looking out the window, trying to not let his thoughts get the better of him.

He wanted to speak to his mother privately. But her carer was the driver.

“Been keeping up with your flute playing?” His mother’s whimsical voice asked. She turned around to look at him. He adored the creases around her face from smiling.

“Yeah, it’s been going well,” Wylan replied, shrugging. “I’ve got an orchestral performance coming up.”

“Oh, how splendid!” she shrieked happily. She was so proud, Wylan wanted to keep talking so she’d stay that way.

“Yeah, It’s the end of February,” Wylan informed her, shooting a glance at the driver. “You can come if you’d-”

“Unfortunately, I don’t know if that’s possible,” her carer cut in. “I’m sorry Wylan.”

He watched his mother's shoulders drop slightly. She kept a vague smile on her face but turned around again. Wylan gripped his pants tightly, fizzingly with anger. He took a couple of deep breaths.

“It’s okay ma. Next time,” Wylan reassured, praying she’d look at him once more.

She didn’t.

The rest of the ride was silent. Wylan couldn’t stop his thoughts running wild, his eyes glued to the back of his mother's head. As the sun set, Wylan’s eyes closed with it. He awoke to someone shaking his shoulders.

“Wylan baby,” his mother soothed. “We’re here.”

Wylan blinked quickly and twisted his back to stretch. It was completely dark now, besides some dim streetlights that illuminated the walkway. But they were deep in the woods, he could hear the nocturnal animals calling out in the night.

He exited the car and stretched in his place. The carer pulled out his luggage and placed it by Wylan’s side. He wrapped his hands around the handle.

“No, no,” his mother swatted him away. “I’ll take it, please you just woke up.”

Wylan studied her. Seeing her eager eyes, he released his hold. They marched up the gravel road to the entrance. He remembered where her housing was situated.

A long time ago, after the separation, his mother had moved into a social housing sector. Wylan hadn’t seen her for quite some time. Not just because it was so far away, but because it was a village for mentally ill patients.

It provided long-term housing and care. But in the beginning of her stay, visitation was limited. Especially for children, due to the risks.

After some time, he could see his mother again. Every two months, Wylan would stay with her for a week. He liked to complain about the village, but he knew it was the best option for her.

It provided 24 hour care for patients, but was quite strict. Wylan’s father called them reasonable, while Wylan thought them nosey.

Curfew for residents was around 9:30, checking the time again it was an hour past. The carer unlocked the door and bid them goodnight. They were finally alone.

Wylan hated her housing, it was dull and smelt like old people. Every corner was covered with a stupid rubber case and touching certain things sent alarms off. Worst of all, it was nothing like his ma.

She could barely decorate. She couldn’t choose her sheets, the rugs that encompassed her floor or even what food she had. The only section of the house that truly felt like her was the art section.

His mother had emptied out her walk-in closet and decided she would hang all the paintings she created during the day inside. Not an inch of the wall wasn’t covered with portraits and landscapes. Even on the door hung a wonderful sketch of Wylan himself. Often times, he would walk in on his mother just simply sitting on the floor looking at the art.

“Me and Hilde set up the couch for you again,” his mother told him, hoisting his luggage up on the coffee table. Wylan winced as he saw the legs of the table shake with the weight.

“Thank ma,” Wylan nodded, sitting on the edge of the extendable couch. He tilted his head up and caught his mother looking fondly at him.

“Would you like some tea?” she asked, playing with her hands to her chest. Wylan nodded and she scurried off to the kitchen.

Wylan watched her go, before reaching over to the floor and grabbing the TV remote that had fallen. He turned it on, but it served only as background noise. He was far too distracted.

Pulling out his phone, he found two text messages. One from Inej and one from… Jesper? 

Inej Ghafa

Monday 8:15 pm

Hi, hope you have fun at your mother's! Will miss you at school, talk to you soon maybe?

Wylan sighed. The only person he told about going to his mother’s house, was Inej. But that was about all he told her. Wylan couldn’t bring himself to talk about where exactly they stayed.

Inej already knew about Wylan’s issues with reading. It felt odd to so quickly tell her about his mother too. Anyways, Inej was dealing with other things. Her own issues and everyone else's it seemed.

In the corner of his eye, Wylan saw the big red button with a sign above that read “Help.”

He could see the imprints of his mother's fingerprints glimmering in the TV light.

He decided to just send back a quick thumbs up. Hesitantly, he clicked Jesper's message next.

Jesper Fahey??

Monday 5:00 pm

Hey, just saw you drive off. Sorry about trying to force you to go to the party, I wasn’t thinking. Partying with you just seemed like a fun idea, don’t hide it rich boy I know you’d be crazy. JK! But seriously, I’m sorry. And sorry for this message too, it was a little strange. See you at school tomorrow.

PS, this is Jesper idk if you saved my number.

Wylan laughed loudly at the idiotic message. He cleared his throat. 

Wylan Van Eck

Monday 10:45 pm

No, it’s okay, I wasn’t upset! But about the party thing, you should be sorry, I physically cringed. I also won’t be at school for most of the week, I have orchestra practice.

PS, I’ve saved your number.

“What’s that message for honey?” his mother teased, she walked in with two mugs.

Wylan wiped his face, trying to hide his smile. “Oh nothing,” he waved her off, before pausing. “Actually... I have some news.”

“Oh?” his mother raised a brow before taking a seat in an armchair nearby.

“I- uh… made some friends recently,” he confessed, looking at the floor slightly embarrassed. When there was no response, he looked up to his mother's grinning face.

“What!?” she cried, bursting from her seat. “Oh baby, that’s incredible!”

She rushed over, kneeling in front of Wylan now. She held his head in her hands and placed a kiss on his forehead before laughing in delight again.

“Oh, I’m so proud of you!” she told him, moving back to her seat. “Go on, tell me about them.”

Wylan thought for a moment, unsure of what to say. “Well, it started because of this girl,” Wylan explained. “Her name is Inej.”

“Wylan, your legs aren't straight,” the instructor tutted. “Tuck that tummy, c’mon.”

Wylan tried not to groan as he struggled on his hands and feet upside down. During the week, his mother always booked institute activities for them to do together. Unfortunately, one she always seemed to pick was yoga.

He tried to do as she told him, but as he sucked in his stomach he almost gagged. He collapsed onto his knees and sat up straight, feeling the blood that had rushed to his head seep down finally. His breakfast luckily remained firmly in his body.

“Wylan again?” the instructor sighed, placing her hand on her hips. “You can’t just give up.”

“It’s okay Vanessa,” his mother said, getting down from her position too. “I think we're just a bit tired. Do you mind if we head in early?”

The instructor looked between the two of them, she seemed disappointed but gave a nod of approval. “Just take your mats with you.”

Wylan was glad to get out of that place. In theory yoga beside a creek was heavenly. But Wylan was not flexible at all and his body could never contort the way it was supposed to. His mother was quite good at it though.

“Sorry ma,” Wylan apologised, wiping the sweat from his forehead. “I just can’t bend my knees like that.”

His mother laughed heartedly, placing an arm around his shoulder. “It’s okay,” she reassured. “I was like that at the start too. Flexibility is not is in our nature.”

“I know,” Wylan agreed, shaking his head ashamedly. “But that was your plan for the day. What else can we do?”

His mother paused and seemed to ponder. “Well… I had a surprise for lunch,” she admitted. “But maybe we could do that early.”

She waved him along with her and they marched towards the front office.

“Please don’t tell me you're experimenting again,” Wylan groaned. “Sorry, I can’t be your tester anymore.”

His mother clicked her tongue disapprovingly, but she didn’t object. Wylan felt nervous now, he wasn’t sure if he could stomach his mother's concoctions after that yoga session.

Still, they walked up to the office and the glass sliding doors opened. There was a woman at the front desk, the carer from the car. She looked up and spotted the two of them, her mouth split into a smile.

“Given up on yoga Miss Hendriks?” she chuckled slightly.

“Oh no, that was all my son,” his mother laughed in return, she leant against the desk casually. “I was wondering if we could do the surprise early?”

The woman looked between the two of them, she frowned in contemplation. Eyes fixed on Wylan, she seemed to make up her mind.

“You know what? Sure,” she agreed, standing from her chair. “I’ll call in my lunch early, let me go grab my keys.”

“Thank you!” his mother called out as she went.

“Can you tell me the surprise now?” Wylan asked, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.

His mother shook her head and looked away cheekily. Wylan crossed his arms irritated, feeling like a twelve-year-old again.

Even on the car ride to wherever they were going, Wylan’s ma kept her mouth firmly shut. Occasionally, she would snicker with the carer which Wylan didn’t appreciate. But she didn’t say a word.

After a long time, Wylan looked out the window and recognised where they were.

“Oh, Saints! I haven’t been here in so long,” Wylan exclaimed excitedly.

The carer parked the car and Wylan stepped out to see the restaurant. They must’ve driven to Belendt, to his favourite place to eat. He couldn’t believe his mothers shattered mind remembered this place, especially how much he liked it.

“I’ll wait in the car for you to finish,” the carer winked. “Have fun!”

With that, they departed from each other and walked into the restaurant.

It smelt exactly how he’d remembered. The disgusting stench of instant coffee and maple syrup. His shoes stuck to the floor by a constant grim that covered the entire place. It was quiet and mostly empty with only a couple of people sitting in booths. Wylan and his mother found their own.

“How did you remember this place?” Wylan asked incredulously.

“It came to me a couple of days before you came,” his mother told him, reading the menu. “The most I remember nowadays is about you.”

Wylan nodded promptly and picked up his menu.

He already knew that. Most of her paintings were an example of it. The landscapes were easy because they were right in front of her. But the portraits? She could draw those from complete memory. Something that most people with full control of their mind couldn’t achieve.

“I’ll have the-”

“The caramel thickshake and the chicken burger with cheesy fries?” she finished for him.

Wylan fought a smile, “Yeah, I’ll have that.”

After his mother ordered, they sat talking. Wylan told her all about his new friends, not just Inej. He told her about Nina and Jesper, even Matthias and Kaz. He told her about all the drama with Oomen and Imogen. She listened as attentively as she could.

Wylan couldn’t stop talking. For the first time in his life things were happening. He finally had something to tell his mother.

“I’m glad you’ve found your people, truly,” she told him, sipping her coffee.

“I know!” Wylan laughed. “Feels like I finally have interesting things to say.”

His mother frowned, taking his hand, “I’ve always found you interesting Wylan.”

Wylan paused, swallowing harshly. He hated when he got emotional like this. It seemed to have been building up since he got there.

“Ma? Can you tell me what’s going on?” he asked.

“What?”

“Something’s up, I’ve known since the car ride here,” Wylan said firmly, taking his hand away.

His mother frowned even deeper than before, rubbing her face with her hands. “Honey, I want to tell you after…”

“Ma, tell me now,” Wylan pleaded, he couldn’t handle the secrecy anymore.

She sighed deeply, “Your father and I are… getting divorced.”

Wylan sighed deeply, “I already know this.”

“No honey listen,” his mother spoke sharply. “Your father and I are getting officially divorced. Meaning… I’m not going to have the money to stay in social housing anymore.”

“What,” Wylan echoed.

“Because of our joint accounts, he’s able to pay for the institute. But now that the divorce is finally happening… he has no obligation to pay any more. Especially since you are not in my custody. I’ll have to leave.”

His mother had always been financially dependant on his father. She had come from a poor family, living in an even poorer area. She allowed everything in the marriage to be written under Van Ecks name, having an odd sort of faith in her husband.

But her trust restricted her. She could never file for divorce. If they separated legally, she would have nothing. And now Van Eck was proving just how untrustworthy he was.

But Wylan thought she was getting better. Wasn’t she? Her medication was doing its job. But she couldn’t afford it on her own.

Wylan sputtered helplessly, he felt the walls around him begin to crumble down. “But… but where are you going to go?”

“I’ll see how I go on my own,” she told him. “If this go sideways… I may have to be admitted to hospital care again.”

Wylan hated how his breath hitched. He looked away, blinking tears. As much as he despised the social housing, it was the better option. There were always worse places for her to go.

He had only seen his mother once in the hospital. He went with his father who offered no comfort as he witnessed his mother thrash around desperately in the bed. This was when she was at her worst and the hospital wasn’t doing her any favours. He remembered everyone he saw there, shuffling around in hospital gowns and socks so medicated their mouths hung open.

Wylan went home and had nightmares for weeks. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw her arms shackled to the bed, screaming to be free.

He remembered his father demanding he ‘man up,’ and scolded Wylan when he was too terrified to visit again. Luckily, the nurses provided his father with an alternative, the village. Sending her there was the only good decision his father ever made. Only when she was unchained could Wylan sleep again.

“Ma, you can’t go back,” Wylan exclaimed loudly, pushing his plate away.

“Wylan please,” his mother shushed, glancing around. “It’s not for certain. Or permanent. If I’m forced to go there, it’d only be for a couple of months.”

You can’t promise that.

“I need some air,” Wylan announced and left the table, feeling his mother scurry after him.

They both exited the building and Wylan covered his face with his hands. He couldn’t hold back his tears anymore. He couldn’t breathe either. He held his hands over his head to open his chest, vision blurring.

“Wylan don’t walk away from me!” his mother shouted. “Please, I’ll be okay.”

“Ma, I can’t-”

“What happened?” the carer called out, she must’ve seen Wylan storm out.

“He asked, I had to tell him,” his mother said, her voice was shaking and her breathing sounded uneven too. “I don’t want to do it like this. I didn’t want to do it like that. Why was it like that?”

“Miss Hendriks, I need you to take some-”

“I’m Mrs. Van Eck!” she shouted angrily. Wylan looked over as she shoved the carer off her.

“Okay, okay I’m sorry, you're right, Mayra,” the carer cooed, holding her hands up.

“I’m a Van Eck, I am! I know I am!” She wailed, gasping deeply. She dropped to her knees hanging her head down. “I know who I am.”

Wylan watched with wide teary eyes as the carer bent down beside her, whispering quietly. She rubbed her hand soothingly on his mother’s back, voice calm but her eyes passive.

Slowly his mother stood shakily. Her eyes so confused and clouded that Wylan felt sick. She looked at him guiltily, before turning away back towards the car.

“Wylan, come on. Time to go home,” the carer waved him over solemnly.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“I know kid. I know.”

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty-nine: Inej

I cannot believe I’m wearing this.

Inej sighed at the mirror. She frowned at the costume Nina had made for her sake.

She was at Nina’s house before Madeline’s party. Nina’s ma was going to be out all night, on a date she believed. So Inej told her parents that she planned to stay the night with her.

Jesper and Nina both advised her to strategically not mention the party. But as her parents bid her goodbye, she broke down telling them where she was going.

They didn’t mind at all.

Beside her, in the corner of the mirror, Inej could see Nina eagerly awaiting her reaction. Inej turned around, Nina’s expression faded.

“You don’t like it,” she groaned, Inej nodded guiltily.

“I more than don’t like it,” Inej replied. “I hate it.”

“Alright, alright,” Nina surrendered, rolling her eyes skyward and falling back onto the bed. “But I picked it out just for you.”

Inej looked at herself in the mirror again. She was wearing a black skin-tight skirt that fell halfway to her knee, black tights and red shirt that hung off one shoulder. The outfit screamed Nina.

Wearing it, Inej felt like someone else. Though, she guessed that was the point.

“I think you look gorgeous!” Nina declared, crossing her arms. “You need to wear this, I beg. Give me one reason why you don’t like it.”

“The skirts too tight, the top keeps slipping, my stockings are gonna rip-”

“Okay I said one thing,” Nina cut her off irritably. “Those issues are always going to happen with outfits like this. The only thing that matters is you look incredible and you never said you didn’t!”

Inej was going to object before she realised Nina was right. Damn, I should’ve said that first.

Realistically, she knew she was going to end up wearing the outfit. But she had to fight Nina on it anyway. It was easier to argue over an outfit than to try getting out of going altogether. Saints, she nervous for tonight.

Looking over, Inej watched as Nina took another sip out of her orangey drink and wince. Inej observed at her own beverage, hardly touched. Nina could not mix drinks well, it was far too strong. One sip and Inej already felt woozy. Despite Nina saying it would take off her nerves, she felt more jittery than ever.

“Should I get more juice?” Inej asked, grimacing as she took another sip. “I don’t know if I can drink this.”

“No it’s…” Nina gagged slightly as she drank and Inej stepped back. “Yeah holy fuck, this is awful.”

Inej nodded in agreeance and rushed downstairs. Nina had broken into her mother liquor cabinet and stolen a half empty bottle for the both of them. Inej was nervous her mother might notice, but Nina assured she wouldn’t.

“She never touches the liquor cabinet unless she’s either blackout or runs out of wine,” Nina explained. “She’ll think she drank it ages ago and anyway, she never runs out of wine.”

Inej tried hugging Nina when she told her this, but Nina had wacked her away. Inej was glad she was telling her things, but sometimes the truth was upsetting.

Gliding across the floor to the fridge, she swung it open. Inside was the tropical juice Nina had been using. If it was Inej’s choice, she would not be drinking that disgusting pulp. But she was trying to do whatever Nina needed in that moment. She was there for Nina.

Here for Nina. She thought repeatedly, as she lifted the juice out of the fridge. It was too bright to be authentic and she could see swirls of misplaced chunks floating throughout.

She wasn’t sure if it was the mascara on her lashes leaking into her eyes or her absolute horror, but she began to tear up.

Putting on a brave face, she scaled the stairs two at a time. When she returned to Nina’s room, the radio had been turned up about three more notches. She held the juice up in her hand and Nina clapped excitedly.

She poured more for both of them and after taking a sip, Inej could certainly taste the juice. She just hadn’t decided if that was for better or for worse.

Nina began adding more liner on her lips and Inej flipped open her phone. She scrolled to Wylan’s name and clicked on it. Thumbs up. The only thing he had sent the entire week. She itched the inside of her palm nervously.

“Do you think Wylan’s okay?” Inej asked Nina over the radio. “He’s not responding to me.”

“He’s fine. Probably busy with the Orchestra, right?” Nina reassured, not looking away from the mirror.

Inej nodded, but it didn’t ease her nerves. Turns out, Inej was the only person Wylan decided to inform about the visitation to his mother. This had only assisted in her anxieties about him. Why hadn’t he told anybody else? What might he be hiding?

Plus she couldn’t talk to anyone about it. He didn’t tell them for a reason.

It didn’t help he had gone AWOL after the first night there. Apparently, Jesper had got a larger message than her, which was irritating. Inej didn’t even realise they were that close. But still, even he thought Wylan was practicing.

She left their messages with a sigh and scrolled up to see Matthias’s new message.

“Nina, they’re coming in an hour,” Inej announced, not looking up.

Nina screamed, causing Inej to drop her phone in surprise. “An hour!” Nina shouted frantically. “I need to get moving!”

Nina reached over and grabbed her drink, chugging it rapidly. Inej watched in horror as she finished it and wiped her face before resuming her makeup with notable urgency. “More warning would be nice,” she muttered to herself, heaving. “Tell that bastard I said that.”

Inej didn’t tell him this.

She began sipping her drink more too. Nina was being particularly nerve-wracking tonight and infuriatingly kept asking Inej if she was okay. But she ignored Inej when she asked the same thing.

At the very least, Nina was overjoyed that a member of the girls table had invited her to the party. Inej believed Nina was just glad to still be included. Inej was secretly glad too.

She had been carrying some guilt about breaking up the friendship between Nina and the girls, no matter how cruel they were. A day after Nina’s invite, surprisingly, Madeline approached her.

After informing Nina, she was ecstatic. Although, Inej had already made up her mind that she wasn’t going. Nina was convinced she was.

Finally, Nina told her that her mother had a new boyfriend. The thought of telling Nina she wasn’t going was impossible now. She didn’t want Nina alone all night, it was best if she was distracted.

So Inej sacrificed herself and she was going to her first high-school party. And probably her last.

After a while, the music in the room began to vibrate through the room. She felt a buzz in the air, or maybe in her chest. The large world seemed to narrow down into an extremely simplistic one.

In a similar way to when she was concussed, Inej found that everything she thought was blurting out of her. She couldn’t contain a thing.

“Tell me your deepest darkest secret,” Inej laughed, clutching her chest. She needed to pee.

“I love Matthias!” Nina cried out throwing her hands in the air to celebrate. Inej groaned.

“That not a secret, idiot!” Inej scoffed, throwing a pillow at her. “You don’t even play the game right.”

“I love him! But he’s not trustworthy. He told my secret,” her eyes wide. “I’m planning to confront him soon.”

“What?” Inej sobered.

Nina’s phone started to buzz and she opened it quickly. She shrieked with delight. “They’re here!” she sang, before jolting up in a motion.

“Nina promise you won’t-” but Inej wasn’t fast enough.

Nina shrugged her away. As they ran downstairs the doorbell rung. Even with Inej’s quiet determination, Nina still managed reached the door first, revealing a pleased Matthias, excited Jesper and a bored Kaz.

Inej shot a look at Nina who had begun to open her mouth.

“Matthias you-” Nina tried to shout, but Inej reached just in time and slapped a hand over her mouth. Swinging her into a hug, she pulled them back. Nina was still speaking, tickling Inej’s hand slightly.

She looked sheepishly at now concerned Matthias, hysterical Jesper and amused Kaz.

“Hey guys!” Inej greeted happily. “Why don’t you come in?”

“Our pleasure,” Jesper grinned, wiping a tear and shooting a look at Matthias.

“Nina, are you okay?” Matthias asked her. Nina finally seemed to gain composure. She looked at Inej who quickly widened her eyes, shaking her head discreetly.

“Pleasurably,” Nina confirmed, and turned towards the kitchen. Inej covered her face with her hands.

“Started without me?” Jesper gasped and clutched his heart dramatically.

“You’ve already had three,” Kaz pointed out, Jesper waved him off.

“Are you sure Nina’s alright?” Matthias reaffirmed, looking at the hallway Nina disappeared down.

“It’s called being under the influence, cap,” Jesper explained patting his back. “Inej too, I can smell it on you.”

He narrowed his eyes at her, sporting an expression she could barely take seriously. Was she that obvious? Was she embarrassing herself in front of Kaz?

Wait what? Hang on, why are you concerned about Kaz?

The realisation was so absurd she dissolved into giggles, covering her mouth quickly. Jesper’s narrowed eyes faded and he began laughing alongside her.

Wiping her eyes she ceased her giggling. Until she looked at Jesper again and they both burst into laughter. She was clutching her side by the time she caught her breath.

“Oh great,” Kaz groaned, though he didn’t look as irritated as he sounded. “Everyone’s pissed.

“Hey, I made drinks!” Nina called from the kitchen. Inej sobered at the thought.

“Saints, guys don’t go in there,” Inej stopped them, looking as serious as she could. “They’re awful. Her drinks are awful. Spare yourselves please.”

“My drinks aren’t awful,” Nina scoffed, from behind her. Inej shot her a raised brow, Nina ignored her.

Matthias looked at his watch, “You know, that’s very nice Nina, but we came to pick you up. The party already started half an hour ago. Jesper just wanted to be fashionably late.”

“But I- made them for all of you,” Nina sniffled, batting her lashes at them.

“Nope, no one is falling for this,” Kaz shook his head, he began gesturing them out. “Let’s go everyone, I don’t wanna drag this night more than it should be.”

With groans of protest and sighs of relief, all four of them followed his instructions and headed for the door.

Nina stumbled ahead and Inej winced, realising she was responsible for closing the house up.

As the last person left, she pulled the door shut. Glancing to her side, she saw one of the pot plants on the porch. She placed the key inside.

“I hope I remember this,” she said to herself, trying to take a mental picture with her brain.

“I’ll remember,” Kaz spoke from behind her. She turned to face him. He stood calmly, hands in pockets, waiting. He was the only one to stay behind for her. “If I forget I’m sure Matthias can throw one of you over the fence.”

Inej snorted and placed her hand on the pot, pushing up with all her might. Once she was up on her feet she celebrated her small victory. Kaz darted his eyes away quickly and turned towards the car. Inej quickly hurried to catch up to him.

“So are you driving?” Inej asked, looking at him. He didn’t return her gaze but she was glad he didn’t. He looked strangely angelic in Nina’s porch light. His hair was ruffled, his pale skin glinted and she could see the moon in the corner of his eye.

“No, Matthias is,” Kaz told her shortly. He coughed lightly and Inej realised he must’ve noticed her staring. She flushed and quickly climbed into the backseat.

The whole ride there, the nerves that forwent, returned. Nina and Jesper argued animatedly beside her, but Inej couldn’t bring herself to pay attention.

She played with a loose string on her tights, her vision becoming jaded. Only the hair that was weighted on her shoulders brought her comfort.

She knew when they arrived. The music blared so loudly out of the house that it sent vibrations down Inej’s back blocks away. Looking out of the window, a few people congregated outside the house. Most of them were throwing up. Inej was so nervous she was feared she may join them.

“We’re here!” Nina gushed, she grabbed Inej firmly. When the other’s weren’t looking she leaned over and whispered in her ear, “Are you sure you’re okay, Inej?”

Here for Nina.

“Yes I am,” Inej plastered a smile on her face, sending an approving nod.

Stepping out of the car, she was glad for the fresh air. But she knew it was going to be scarce once they entered inside. Madeline’s house was large in Inej’s opinion, but it was bursting at the seams with people.

Inej heard faint sounds of crashes and screaming. Nina had told her the last party that was held here ended up destroying her parents bedroom. Her heart thumped nervously in her chest.

She felt Kaz’s presence behind her and she fought the urge to turn around. Her shoulders relaxed and she reached for Nina’s hand.

Jesper darted past them towards the house. Matthias ran after, ordering him back. Inej heard a cheer erupt as they entered.

Stepping inside herself, the enthusiasm wasn’t shared. Most people didn’t notice thankfully.

Inej breathed in deeply. Just as she expected, the rooms were buzzing with people. Everyone was with someone. Laughing, drinking, talking and kissing. She recognised only some of them.

She met Madeline’s eyes, who waved. Beside her Inej fought a groan as she saw Imogen.

“Hey! Nina, Kaz you’re here! Inej too,” Madeline grinned widely. Imogen bent down and whispered something in her ear.

Inej distantly heard Madeline respond with something like ‘be nice’. Nina gave her hand a squeeze.

“Happy birthday Madeline!” Nina exclaimed beside Inej, tearing her hand away. Inej flexed her fingers nervously and grabbed her skirt.

Madeline and Nina wrapped each other in a hug as Imogen notably weaved around them with a tight smile. She gave Inej a sideway glance but brightened as she saw Kaz. Inej thought she saw her wink.

“Inej, I’m so glad you came,” Madeline giggled excitedly, wrapping Inej in a hug now.

She tried not to stiffen as it happened, but could not fight the instinctive jump she always had. In Inej’s ear Madeline whispered, “Ignore Imogen, I’m glad you’re here.”

As she tore away, Inej saw the genuine smile she bore and relaxed slightly. “Surprised to see you here Kaz,” Madeline laughed. “When I invited you, you glared at me.”

“Not one of my best decisions,” Kaz admitted. “I can only pray my night goes fast.”

“A party forces Kaz Brekker into religion, incredible,” Nina shook her head teasingly.

Madeline found this hilarious and turned back to her to speak again. Inej watched Nina in her element, surrounded by people and making them laugh.

She deserved all the attention she earned, every bit of praise. Nina bloomed under the spotlight and Inej was glad she hadn’t taken that from her. Inej always cowered before it.

As she stood in the room now, she struggled to breathe while Nina was taking her first breaths.

She looked to her side and surprisingly, Kaz had remained there. Studying his face, his brows were slightly furrowed, his lips were pulled in and his jaw was clenched tightly. He looked extremely unhappy.

Judging by the way he was gripping his cane, maybe even scared? Was it possible Kaz was as uncomfortable as her? He swallowed harshly, about to turn his head towards her.

“Ah Inej! Free drinks!” Nina cried ecstatically, ripping her from the corner before she could protest.

Inej looked over her shoulder at Kaz, hoping to catch his eye. But he had turned away heading for the living room.

The kitchen was quieter than the entrance. Inej was glad for it. Until she spotted the drinks.

They weren’t being held in a typical punch bowl. Instead, three plastic tubs the size of buckets lay across the table filled to the brim with liquid. She couldn’t tell if the colour was from the beverage or the tubs. Under the kitchen lighting, she could see some hairs that were floating above.

She covered her mouth in horror. Nina’s face seemed to fall too.

“Well, I-” Nina huffed, placing her hands on her hips. “Yeah no fucking way am I drinking that, hang on.”

With that she pulled Inej away again, who had given up trying to find her own footing. They entered another room, following Nina’s eyes she looked up. Above was a cupboard attached to the roof of a tall bar table.

“Nina, no,” Inej warned her sternly, Nina’s face was wide with a evil smile. “Stealing from your own ma is one thing. This is someone else's.”

“She’s going to be in trouble anyway. She’s probably already stolen some from here,” Nina reasoned, situating herself on the bar’s ledge. “Here, hold me up.”

Inej remained where she was, looking at Nina disapprovingly, who groaned. She tapped her foot expectantly until Nina hopped down.

“Inej, it’s stealing a tiny bit of this or drinking that hairy thing in the kitchen,” Nina shrugged. “I’ll guess we can just get an E. Coli infection. Who cares if I die?”

Nina flicked her hair dramatically and Inej rolled her eyes. Looking around, all the people in the room was getting extremely intimate on the couches. They didn’t seem to be moving anytime soon. Technically no one would notice…

“Fine, but I’ll do it,” Inej gave in, ushering Nina away. “Saints know you’d find a way to break the entire cupboard.”

Inej walked around to the other side of the bar and twisted around, hoisting herself up. Opening the small door, she grabbed the closest thing to her and jumped down victoriously.

“What are you guys doing?” Matthias said from the doorway, he was crossing his arms suspiciously. “Tell me you didn’t steal that.”

“Well… I didn’t,” Nina countered. Inej hit her on the arm, scoffing.

“Nina! That’s so wrong. Madeline made drinks in the kitchen and you’re stealing her parents?” Matthias said incredulously. It was the most frustrated Inej had seen Matthias be towards her in a while. Nina began sputtering in protest.

“It’s not a big deal! I’m putting it back after,” Nina rebutted, annoyed. She walked over to the other side of the counter and began pouring two glasses. “Want one, Helvar?”

“No I don’t and you shouldn’t either,” he commanded, stepping towards them.

“I don’t understand why you’re so upset,” Nina scoffed disbelievingly. She passed a drink to Inej, who felt awkward holding it now.

“Your crossing boundaries Nina! I know that isn’t a big deal for you, but it’s wrong,” with that Matthias stormed off angrily, pushing past oncoming Jesper. 

Jesper let out a low whistle, gesturing to the furious Fjerdan that just plummeted into him. “What the fuck was that?” Jesper laughed. “Knocking heads again I see, and here I thought it was smooth sailing.”

“Fuck off Fahey!” Nina shouted back, turned to Inej apologetically. “I’m sorry, I need a minute.”

With that she pushed past Jesper too and charged angrily down the hall. Inej let her shoulder sag. Maybe she should have stood her ground.

Jesper looked back at Inej, pulling a comical face. She shrugged her shoulders defeated.

“C’mon don’t let their drama ruin your night,” Jesper extended his arm for Inej to grab. “Classic Matthias and Nina party antics. Happens every time, you’ll get used to it.”

“Perfect,” Inej sighed, as they re-entered the louder rooms. “Not surprised.”

Jesper laughed, slinging an arm around her shoulders. She eased, grateful for him staying. Watching Nina leave felt like being left behind in a grocery store as a kid. A couple guys ran past slapping Jesper’s back. He yelled profanity to them.

“Don’t feel like you have to babysit me,” Inej told him as more rowdy boys followed.

“Nonsense! I’d love to spent my party with you tiny girl!” Jesper reassured her, before guiding her side ways. “Follow my lead.”

“I’ve got nowhere else to go,” Inej resigned, following Jesper.

She noticed as the night grew, the music got louder and things got messier. More people disappeared sneakily with each other, everyone was falling over and Inej had seen multiple vomit puddles on the floors. There was also a horrible stench coming from the bathroom.

She had to admit, The Emerald Palace was looking like a more desirable place than this. At least the bar kicked people out.

They made it to an area connected to the living room through an archway. The majority of the Ketterdam rugby team was either playing beer pong or watching. A guy who Inej recognised as Pim tossed a ball towards the other side landing it perfectly in a cup.

A loud celebration ensued and all the boys on his side jumped on each other in unison. He then proceeded to chug the entire cup and crush it in his hand.

“What a game right?” Jesper said dreamily, Inej shot him an odd look. She felt a vibration in her hand, looking at her phone she thought it might be Nina. But it wasn’t, it was Wylan.

Her breath hitched, her finger hovering over the chat. What was he saying? Would he need help? 

“Have you heard from Wylan recently?” Inej decided to ask Jesper. He tore his eyes away from the game and frowned.

“Not really. I’m sure he’s busy with practice and all, right?”

“Yeah…”

“Right Inej?” Jesper repeated more insistently, his attention immediately narrowed to her.

Her mouth hung awkwardly open, when suddenly someone backed into her, knocking her wrist harshly. She gasped as a sharp pain spread through her hand, reaching her phone. She watched in horror as it dropped to her feet and tumbled directly to a corner.

Into a vomit pile.

The boys stopped playing to witness the tragedy. They all groaned with her now. She gagged.

“Oomen ya wanker! Watch where you’re going!” Pim cried out. “What are you doing, ramming into her?”

Inej froze once again looking up, meeting Oomen devilish eyes. His face with thick with a smug audacity.

“Sorry,” he snickered to her, with zero remorse. His mouth split into a satisfied grin.

But she wasn’t scared of him. She couldn’t believe he still contained even an ounce of confidence after wagging school for a week after she attacked him. She fondly remembered how he cowered before her in the lunch room.

She’d hit him before and wasn’t afraid to do it again. Her eyes narrowed angrily. Shoving his chest, she pushed him aside and reached for her phone. Grabbing the corner that wasn’t smothered in chunks, she lifted it.

“Fucking asshole,” Jesper fumed, pushing past him as well.

He grabbed a cloth from the counter and offered it to Inej. She smiled appreciatively and tried to wipe off the mess.

Suddenly, an uproar of voices rose once again. It was charged with much more intensity. Looking past Jesper, she saw Kaz shove Oomen into the beer pong table.

Inej felt a surge of deja vu.

Chapter Text

Chapter thirty: Kaz

The audacity this guy has.

Kaz had thought, shaking his head in disbelief, watching Oomen play his stupid little game.

Kaz had been in the living room for the majority of the party since Inej got ripped away from him. The Dregs had found him almost immediately. Bribing him with beer, they began playing a drinking game Kaz was supposed to referee.

He hadn’t really been paying attention, which is why the game derailed so fast.

Then Oomen had his grand entrance. Annoyingly, some had cheered for him. Most didn’t. Jesper had shot Kaz a knowing look. But it soothed him to see Oomen’s face after spotting him against the wall. A flicker of fear gave him all the information he needed. Oomen knew it was him who sent the guys.

But, as time went on they all got drunker. Oomen became less cautious and more audacious. Kaz didn’t appreciate this. His frustration had been rising the entire night.

The indescribable rage he felt as he realised the girl Oomen had bulldozed was Inej, caused Kaz to do something he’d sworn to never participate in.

Start a fight at a party.

Without really thinking, Kaz charged from the wall toward Oomen and grabbed his collar, shoving him against the table. He was still bearing that disgusting sneer and his pale hair glistened with sweat. But no alcohol would medicate what Kaz was about to do to him.

“Well, Oomen you’ve just proved that you haven’t learnt a fucking thing,” Kaz said grimly. “Two black eyes haven’t sent the message through your thick skull?”

“You’re lucky I haven’t gone to the police,” Oomen bit out, his breathing rapid and uneven. “Twice now you’ve assaulted me.”

“Then tell me why haven’t you?” Kaz laughed in his face.

He could feel the stares of all those around him. His classmates and his team. But the eyes that bore directly into the back of his skull were Inej’s. He knew exactly where she stood without needing to look. Her silence made him falter.

Everyone was waiting for him to do something, to start it off. Maybe even anticipating it. He was sure some of these bastards relished in entertainment like this.

But he was hesitating.

What if Inej tried to break it up again? She might not come out unscathed this time. The images of Inej injured passed through his mind.

In a shudder, he shoved Oomen into the table and backed off. He wiped his nose, not taking his eyes away. Oomen clutched his lower back wincing, he seemed bewildered. Kaz was slightly too.

“Get the fuck out,” he ordered him, pointing to the door. Oomen paused unsure of whether to listen. He was actively gambling his chances of disobeying Kaz. It was written in his darting eyes.

He slowly straightened from his spot and examined the room. After lingering, he begrudgingly began to slug away. Dragging his feet, he attempted to get a reaction from the crowd, his efforts were embarrassing. Stupidly, he decided to stop in front of Inej.

“I recently met your mate, Cobbet,” he leaned down to her, sending a sideway glance at Kaz. “Told me a lot about you.”

With a stormy expression, Kaz took a step forward and Oomen finally scurried away like a rat. Inej’s jaw was locked angrily in place but her eyes portrayed a mix of shame and unease. In a single turn, she left the room. The crowd began chattering again and Jesper looked around helplessly.

Kaz decided quickly that he was going to follow her. He strode in her direction, shoving off Jesper who stood in his way.

He needed to tell her. Tell her that she wouldn’t have to worry about Oomen or Cobbet or any of the other fuckers from her old school anymore.

But she was quick and agile, darting around people with incredible skill. Kaz followed behind, but couldn’t seem to match her pace.

Suddenly, in a flash of blonde hair, something blocked his direction. Unable to avoid it, he knocked into her as she made her place in front of him. He stumbled back, gaining his self-control. A shiver ran down his back.

“Kaz! Thank you for removing Oomen!” Imogen praised. “Madeline was about to lose it when she heard he dropped by. But you got it all sorted.”

“Yep,” Kaz replied absentmindedly, watching Inej scale the stairs at record speed behind her head.

“You know, we’re glad you came,” Imogen continued, moving back into his view. “The last party was… kind of a disaster right?”

“Imogen, move,” Kaz finally said impatiently. Then he strode past her, preoccupied with getting to the stairs.

He scaled upward as fast as he could without his cane. In the distance, he witnessed Inej advancing down the small hallway, opening and closing doors. Finally, she unlocked the last one on the left. She disappeared inside.

Just as she closed it, he arrived. Sighing inwardly, he calmed himself and racked his knuckles against the wood. Silence.

“Inej?” Kaz called, rolling his eyes to the sky. “It’s Kaz.”

He heard some frantic shuffling in room and a concerning sound of something dropping on tiles. There was aggressive muttering, before the door handle twisted. It opened a mere inch, just enough for half of Inej’s face to be visible. She peeked out, frowning.

“Let me in,” Kaz demanded, leaning on the doorway.

Inej narrowed her eyes once more, drawing her lips in a line. With a sigh, she slammed the door. Kaz pushed himself off the wall offended. While throwing up his hands up in exasperation, Inej opened the door again.

“No need to have a fit,” Inej clipped, poking her head out to check down the hallway. She then ushered him in.

Kaz obliged and watched her nervously shut and lock the door as quietly as possible. Her red shirt was hung slightly lower off her shoulder now, he gulped harshly.

He was so busy observing her that only as she turned on the sink did he notice they were in a bathroom. An unused one at that. Probably out of bounds, hence Inej’s discreetness.

She twisted the tap on and continued dampening a towel underneath. “What do you need to tell me then?” She asked, looking at him through the mirror.

He cleared his throat. Frankly, she’d be furious if he offered protection again. That’s why he was there, wasn’t it? To ease her nerves?

Seeing her standing there, she looked anything but. He planned to tell her about Oomen’s blatant lies. But that wasn’t really why he followed her. The truth was much worse.

I’ve been looking for an excuse to talk to you this whole party.

“Is your phone alright?” He asked instead. She sighed loudly as she began wiping it down, turning to face him.

“It’s not broken,” she shrugged. “Just… disgusting.”

With a large shrug of her shoulders, she let her posture droop as she leaned into the sink. Kaz found himself fascinated. “Once I find Nina. I think I’ll call it a night.”

The prospect of being at the party without Inej was quite possibly the worst outcome. It was odd, because he technically hadn’t seen her all night. Yet her distant presence made the party bearable.

Made every graze of the arm or jab to the side less consuming and he could find pockets of air in rooms. It was incredible. Breathing was easier than it had been the whole night in this low-ventilation bathroom. Why did she make him feel this way?

“What Oomen said about Cobbet wasn’t true,” Kaz told her, hoping her eyes would look into his.

“How would you now?” Inej challenged sceptically.

“He hasn’t left his house all week,” Kaz shrugged evasively. Her frown deepened.

“Are you keeping tabs on him?” She scoffed, her face twisted into a realisation. “Was his… his face…”

Kaz decidedly kept quiet, the natural comfort of the room faded. What would she think? If she was upset at Kaz tripping him down the stairs, would she forgive him for this? Beating him up almost beyond recognition, even if it wasn’t him personally?

“I told you not to do anything for me,” Inej muttered, she sounded almost devastated. Defeated in a way he couldn’t understand.

“Maybe it wasn’t for you,” Kaz replied curtly, leaning against the wall now. His leg was growing sore again.

“Stop doing that.”

“What?”

“Acting like what you do isn’t selfless,” Inej told him insistently. “You did it with Jesper and now you’re doing it with me.”

“I assure you, I’m anything but selfless,” Kaz laughed shortly. It was a forced one, a mocking one. Inej bit her cheek irritably.

“Then tell me, why are you so adamant on getting back the money? On incriminating Pekka Rollins?” She asked courageously. “All the effort you’ve put in. You’ve doubled down since you realised who was responsible. So why? If not for Jesper.”

She crossed her arms expectantly, a single raised brow. He was quiet at first, careful not to display anything. She seemed to think she won. With a shake of her head, she returned to her phone.

“Pekka Rollins killed my brother.”

Inej stopped breathing. He heard it hitch and never release. Every muscle in her body ceased moving, frozen in time. She looked up with her captivating black eyes widened with horror. Her jaw dropped open slightly, scanning him, trying to see if he was kidding.

Perhaps Kaz should regret admitting this. It was a secret. One that he had not even confessed to Colm. Not to anyone. But Kaz felt he needed to tell her.

“When I first started with the scammers it was for everyone’s sake more than anything,” Kaz began explaining, playing with his cuffed sleeve. “Jesper was having… issues, it was taking a toll. I originally stayed out of it, because it wasn’t my business. Then Jesper came to me about losing a large portion of Colm’s money. I agreed to help, it was simple. But it’s true, I became more infatuated once Pekka Rollins came up. I go to Bajan’s house as often as I can.”

Inej’s mouth hadn’t closed, her eyes glistened with intensity. She was listening to every word. Kaz had the familiar feeling of wanting to crawl out of his skin. He began rubbing his leg, it was on fire now.

“Killed?” Inej asked, utterly bewildered.

“My brother was… he was a hurler,” Kaz looked away. “A damn good one too… before he was ruined. Pekka Rollins was his old coach. Got him involved… with things.”

“Isn’t he… a pub owner?” Inej questioned. Almost like she believed if she spoke any louder he’d snap out of a haze.

Kaz nodded, “Now he is. He invested in it after.”

“After,” Inej echoed, nodding along.

Kaz didn’t know what else to tell her. He hadn’t planned on airing his personal problems and secrets onto her and didn’t intend to expand any further. It didn’t matter anyway, Jordie’s name was known by the public.

One Google search and she’d find everything needed. It’s why he changed his surname. Let people think that Kaz Rietveld died along with his brother. It was easier they believed the most interesting thing about him was his adoption into the Fahey’s.

But it wasn’t impossible to discover his past. Kaz had scoured the internet for old photos of his brother one bleak night. Until he found a group picture. Jordie was holding a champion cup beside Pekka and Kaz.

Kaz was so young, almost unrecognisable. He was also smiling, a wide, innocent and genuine one. One he was sure he could no longer express. Kaz was tucked into Pekka’s side, held in his arms on the field. Everyone smiling and clinging to each other. Like a fucked up family.

But looking into the picture longer, Kaz could see the cracks. His brothers dilated pupils, his empty eyes and pained smile. How could Pekka be holding him like that and be poisoning his brother in the same moment? It had made him sick with fury.

“What was his name?” Inej whispered once more, drawing him out of his horrible thoughts. She was certainly testing her luck, darting her eyes across his face.

“Rietveld,” he responded, selling her a final secret. He wouldn’t tell her anything more than he already had. But something repressed inside told him it was a lie. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“But I-”

“I’ve already told you too much,” Kaz cut her off, looking away unreasonably angry.

She nodded and thankfully didn’t ask anything else. She seemed to have given up on cleaning her phone, but she was staring at it. Her brows furrowed in thought. He took the opportunity to admire her.

“I had a lot of issues,” she mumbled suddenly, taking him aback. “Back at Heleen’s school.”

She looked up at him now, “I’m sure you know that much. But it was bad. I was so anxious that I couldn’t eat for days sometimes. I basically lived at the hospital, between injuries and my weight. It got worse after Bajan graduated, I do admit. But the kids at the school weren’t the worst part…”

Kaz didn’t say anything but he saw a memory pass over her eyes. Reliving it in real time. She seemed terrified of what she was about to say.

“In my last year there, we got a student teacher in for dance,” Inej told him quietly. “It was strange because he was so nice to me. Not just teacher nice, friend nice. I had never had that in school. It was normal, I thought. I mean, he wasn’t that much older. But his heart was misplaced-”

Her voice cut out suddenly and Kaz was worried she might start crying. He straightened from his leaning position. But she shut her eyes and seemed to regain whatever control she’d lost.

“He started to help me with my dance, especially after hours. Always adjusting me and moving me around. He’d always drive me home after because school buses didn’t run that late,” she exhaled sharply. “It was all so normal. Until… Until-”

“Until what Inej?” Kaz urged her, trying to keep the horror out of his tone. A knock on the door cut her off. Leaning her head back, she shut her eyes and wiped her nose.

“Who’s in there?” Madeline’s voice called out. “This bathroom is closed off! I swear if you trashed this-

“We didn’t!” Inej responded steadily, rubbing her face with her hands. “We’re coming out.”

Kaz fought a groan and looked down at Inej whose eyes were clouded. He might’ve seen a ghost of fear in them. But no regret. She blinked and looked up at him, a glimmer returned to her eyes.

They opened the door without another word to each other. On the other side was an outraged Madeline. Imogen was behind her with crossed arms, glaring at them both. Kaz realised she must’ve watched him go upstairs then reported back to Madeline.

Madeline’s original frustrated face twisted into one of pure shock. Her mouth gaped and slowly a smirk emerged. Imogen didn’t share the reaction.

“We didn’t-” Inej hurriedly waved her hands. Madeline shut her mouth swallowing a hidden grin.

“Doesn’t matter,” Imogen perked up. “These were out of bounds for a reason. Not surprised you struggled to follow the rules.”

“Because you such a Saint?” Kaz quipped back, raising a brow. He’d heard enough stories about what Imogen does in school bathrooms alone.

Imogen shut her mouth indignantly and turned down the stairs. Kaz watched her storm away. Looking back at Madeline, she was growing more giggly. He wondered how many drinks she was up to.

“Well, I hope it was worth it,” she crooned, suggestively winking to Inej. “But let’s stay out of upstairs rooms, okay?”

“Yes, I’m so sorry! My phone was-”

“Inej, girl, it’s fine!” Madeline laughed, linking their arms and pulling her downstairs. “Just have fun with everyone else on the main floor.”

“Uhm, actually I may get going soon once I find Nina,” Inej confessed grimacing.

“I’ll be going soon too,” Kaz added, glad for the excuse. “If Jesper is findable.”

“Oh... I see,” Madeline crooned. “You two have fun!”

With that she sauntered off into the living room, concerningly unsteady. It was probably not as smooth as she had intended to be. Kaz looked down at Inej who seemed flustered, avoiding his eye. He wanted to go back to the bathroom.

Telling her about Rollins was a gamble. He still could not understand why he’d done it. But she handled it in a way no one else would. No pitied gaze, no empty words of encouragement or condolences. No, she had told him something in return.

He remembered finding the picture of her and the student teacher after his online search on her. Not wanting to assume the worst, he pushed it into the back of his mind. But now? The thought of his hand on her lower back made him ill. What had really happened to her last year?

“I guess I’ll call Nina?” Inej broke the silence. Kaz nodded, realising he should probably find Jesper.

He peeked around the corner Madeline had just walked through and immediately spotted Jesper on the other end. He threw a ball towards the two remaining cups on the other side and missed terribly.

He was holding Kaz’s cane and swung it dangerously in the air in dramatic frustration. Kaz turned back to Inej.

“Hang on,” he told her. “Jesper’s right there.”

Inej nodded and Kaz left her side. Marching towards them, he noticed his return. Jesper began to yell and ran up wielding his cane like a sword. He kneeled down and lifted it up to return to Kaz.

He rolled his eyes at Jesper’s antics.

“Alright night’s over Jesper,” he said, pushing him over from the kneeling position. “We’re leaving.”

“Wha- but…” Jesper sputtered sadly on the floor. “I have two throws left.”

“And you’ll have two left for the next two hours,” Kaz replied. “You’re not getting it in any time tonight.”

“I always get it in,” Jesper mumbled but threw the ball to Roeder. Hoisting himself up, the team bid them farewell. Jesper was stumbling awfully.

“You wanna know something, Kaz?” He slurred.

“Not really.”

“I’m telling anyways,” Jesper shrugged allusively. “I think… Wylan is a really great guy.”

“Is he now?”

“Yes, he is very good and nice,” Jesper said matter-of-factly. “Very pretty too. You know, I think about him an awful lot. That’s normal isn’t it?”

“No.”

“Don’t be silly,” Jesper giggled. Kaz rolled his eyes and thankfully reached back to where Inej was. She seemed to have found Nina.

“Inej,” Kaz called out, as he made his way to the door with sluggish Jesper.

As Nina turned he grimaced. Her face was swollen and red as if she had been sobbing. Actually, her eyes were still bursting with tears. Inej had an arm underneath her holding her up, looking at Kaz helplessly.

Can these people pull it together for one night?

Chapter Text

Chapter thirty-one: Matthias

I’m so dead.

Matthias gulped down at the text on his phone. He had just about thrown up when he’d seen it.

Da 9:31 pm

Where are you?

He’d just stormed away from Nina and Inej rather abruptly. His reaction toward Nina was out of proportion, he was aware. The message had messed with his head and when he confronted her, his father’s voice escaped instead of his own.

Everything that was all tightly knit inside was suffocating him. Life was so simple before. What had changed except Nina?

She was rewiring his brain from the inside out. Hearing of the situation with her ma broke his heart and then she had tried to kiss him.

Though, that was followed with an apology right before she attended his game just the next day!

Something switched and she’d spent the week pushing the ‘friend’ agenda. And now? She hated him again! He couldn’t keep up! She was going in all directions at once and Matthias was getting whiplash. It was too much. She was too much.

Even that night, she was fine with him at the house. He assumed her positive attitude toward him was the alcohol, they had almost gone without an incident. Was it entirely Matthias’s fault for blowing up at her for stealing?

Another ping got his attention.

Da 9:32 pm

Tell me where you are right now!

Matthias’s stomach dropped even further. Nina had yet again occupied his thoughts during a time where bigger things were happening. She was affecting everything. He ran his fingers through his hair, walking through the crowded rooms preoccupied.

He had to leave, didn’t he? But he wouldn’t leave his friends stranded. He was the designated driver! It was a responsibility appointed to him. Well actually, Kaz had offered to drive but didn’t promise to stay sober. So Matthias volunteered himself.

“Ah, Matthias!” A member from The Dregs team called. He reached out and pulled him into the living room. “Play a round!”

“No thanks, Keeg,” Matthias shook his head adamantly. “I’ll pass.”

“C’mon!” Roeder cried. Suddenly the team all joined. Their expectant smiles made Matthias feel very stuck. His skin was tightening around his body and his breathing shallowed. What was he doing here?

“Matthias?” A harsh voice saved him. Until he turned, coming face to face with a pissed Nina. The team quieted.

“Nina, leave it,” Matthias said, trying to shrug her off. The last thing he needed was another argument.

“No! Helvar, we need to sort this out now,” Nina demanded, standing very firm. She wasn’t budging. Matthias groaned.

“I can’t deal with you right now, sorry,” Matthias stepped away, avoiding Nina’s hurt eyes. He attempted to leave the room, praying for some air. He felt someone following behind.

He didn’t stop, until he found the front door. It was still early on in the party and people were only just arriving. But Matthias was already done.

He squeezed through the newcomers, nodding his greetings and farewells. Finally, he made it onto the porch and placed his hand on his hips to breathe.

He walked to the side of the house where a white swing hung from the porch. He sat down and immediately felt his pants get wet. Groaning, he stood and spotted an unknown substance that had stained the pillows. Matthias hoped it was just beer.

“Matthias?” Nina called from the other end. She had just triumphed the crowd too. The sound of her made him want to scream, hug and kiss her all at the same time.

“Nina, I can’t do this,” Matthias told her. “Just go inside and have fun.”

“Why are you mad at me?” Nina scoffed. “How are you mad when I have every right to be mad at you?”

Matthias pinched his eyes and sighed. This was all too predictable. “What have I done this time, Nina? Breathed using my left nostril? Looked at your shoulder the wrong way?” Matthias cried. “What haven’t I done wrong? I can’t win with you, it’s impossible!”

“I’m sorry for that, those were mistakes. But you can’t blame me!” Nina said defensively. “You bred that hesitation into me with every single cold glare at school.”

“I don’t know what you want from me,” Matthias laughed exasperatingly. “Nothing is enough! Apologising, trying to make it right, none of it works. You are impossible.”

Nina fell silent, biting her lip and rolling her eyes upward as if to soak back up her tears. Matthias could hear her controlled breathing.

Guilt hit him like a truck. Should he beg on his knees for forgiveness? Probably. But he refused to move an inch, fighting the natural cold stare that always encompassed his face. It was stuck to him like a permanent mask.

“Why did you tell her?” Nina whispered now. “I trusted you with my secret. And you just told her without consulting me.”

Matthias was lost for words. What new confessions must he make? What new apology would he craft?

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Don’t lie.”

“I’m not!” Matthias yelled, throwing his hands up. “I can’t keep apologising for things I didn’t do! How long until you forgive me?”

“I already have!” 

“Really? Cause it doesn’t feel like it!” Matthias scoffed. She had to understand. “Everything little thing I’m paying for, just because of how I acted years ago.”

“Do you hate me?” 

“No! Djel’s sake,” Matthias fought his irritation. “Don’t try to spin this. I think it’s you who hates me. Deep down or not, I think it’s you.”

Nina burst into hysterical but soulless laughter. It sounded horrifying and nothing like her. Matthias felt it pierce through his heart.

“Would I have tried to kiss you if I hated you?” She croaked, shrugging as tears fell. “I’m trying to be your friend here, Matthias. I know that’s what you want. But you make it so bloody hard.”

“Then maybe we can’t,” Matthias blurted out. “Maybe we can’t be friends. Maybe we can’t be anything at all.”

Nina paused. It did not seem like the response she'd expected, but didn’t object. Matthias swallowed his heart lodged in his throat. He didn’t take it back. He couldn’t, it had already been said.

Brum had advised him to empty his life of distractions, to focus on rugby. Maybe it was for the best. It was supposed to happen. Nina had to be gone.

“If that’s what needs to happen,” she said, voice shaking. “If I’m too impossible.”

Matthias shut his eyes. He tried to avoid the crushing weight of regret and guilt, at least until he was home. “I think it’s best,” he concluded.

He couldn’t handle seeing Nina in this state. Knowing it was because of him. He couldn’t be there if she cried or even if she didn’t. He couldn’t be with her a moment longer or he would crumble.

Matthias stormed past her as fast as he could, she stiffened as he did. Avoiding her eyes, he left her. Maybe he’d just buy his friends a cab, but he couldn’t stay.

He made his way past all the vomiting partygoers and people whispering near the bushes. Walking down the street, the music got quieter and the streets more peaceful. But Matthias wasn’t at peace and he wouldn’t be for a while.

Soon, he’d face the wrath of his father and wallow in his grievance. Twice now he’d snuck out. Both times for Nina. Both for nothing, because Nina was gone.

Matthias had finally succeeded in pushing her away. They had both finally got rid each other.

Matthias climbed into the drivers seat and turned on his car. Madonna’s voice blared out the radio and he nearly laughed. Nina had brought a CD because apparently they all had poor taste. He took the CD out and flicked on a station.

It was nonsense, some story from nighttime hosts. Pulling off the curb, he couldn’t help sparing a glance at the house as he passed. Nina was still outside, sitting on the swing.

Matthias quickly looked away. It was almost fitting. He and Nina had first connected when Matthias picked her up from Madeline’s last party. Now they were ending their friendship with another one.

He continued driving and the station didn’t get any better. He quickly decided that home was impossible to endure right now. It couldn’t be his next destination. He wasn’t going to face it yet. With shaking hands, he found himself turning into the familiar Crow diner.

Finding a park, Matthias sat in his car and contemplated why he was there. In a blink of an eye, he was sitting alone in a booth with an iced coffee with whipped cream and waffles. He didn’t even like iced coffee, but Nina had ordered it when she brought him.

The coffee was much too sweet for him. But the waffles were spectacular.

Anika hadn’t served him, she must’ve been at the party. There was no way of knowing, he’d been there for maximum thirty minutes.

Suddenly, the diner became suffocating. As he paid for the food, he thanked them profusely and made his way to the car.

Making it back, he felt emptier than ever. The air still felt as thick as it was inside, Matthias was choking. Then he began to cry. Gripping his steering wheel, sobs echoed through his silent car. Loud and pathetic. He rested his head on his hands and shattered completely.

Imagining his life without Nina had become a dull reality. No thrill in seeing her pass him in the hallway, no praying for her to visit his games or enduring her constant flirting and chaotic antics.

If his life was a pale blue and grey, Nina was the colour. She breathed life into his boring routine. Gave it something. She made him feel something. Emotions he had long turned off for Brum. But this life was gone. All he had again was Jesper, Kaz and rugby with aching memories.

He cried until his nose hurt and his eyes were swollen. Reaching out and grabbing the CD, he put it back in. He couldn’t even return Madonna to her.

Driving back was a draining task. He reverted to his shell, numb and colourless. Where nothing was really important to him anymore. His father could scream at him all he wanted. The dread that previously plagued him drowned out into the background.

He drove up to his usual well-kept house, and parked on the street. Taking his time walking into the house, he listened to the silence. The neighbourhood was eerily quiet compared to Madeline’s street. All he could hear was his footsteps and the thumping of his heart. Entering his house, he didn’t attempt to be discreet.

“Matthias?” His ma whispered from down the hallway. Matthias sighed and threw his keys on the table beside the door.

“I’m home,” he told her, following her distant voice.

The fluorescent lights brightened as he reached the kitchen. Turning, he saw his parents standing together. The light bounced horribly onto his father, enhancing his ugly and cruel features. His mother shone like an angel.

He waited patiently for someone to speak. His father hadn’t screamed at him yet and his mother was eyeing them both carefully. Finally, she stepped forward to hug him tightly. He bent down into her embrace and she whispered in his ear, “I love you very much dear.”

He caught eyes with his father again, who glared through his eyebrows.

“Where have you been?” His father finally asked.

“Madeline Michaud’s party,” Matthias responded honestly. His mother played with her hair beside him nervously.

“A party? Really?” His father scoffed. “That’s what children do. And sneaking out, that’s not you either. So why don’t you remind us? What are you, Matthias?”

Matthias was quiet.

“Speak!” He demanded.

“A teenager?”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m a kid,” Matthias sighed heavily. “No matter how much you’ve forced me to grow up.”

His da faltered on a response, standing bewildered. He ignored what he had said, “Parties are dangerous, what if you were injured?”

“So you want me to be safe? Or to play rugby?”

“Watch your fucking attitude boy!” His father yelled, losing his cool. “You don’t get to go missing and come back here with that tone!”

“I’m sorry I snuck out,” Matthias told him, shrugging. “But that’s it.”

“Matthias, honey,” his mother laughed nervously. “What has gotten into you?”

Matthias split into a frown and he felt crushing responsibility. He craved his mother’s reassurance. For her to hold him and tell him it was going to be okay. He wished to be twelve again, playing casual rugby on the oval. He never wanted to see Brum again or the under 17’s team.

He needed a normal father and a mother to defend him when his da yelled. He wanted his little sister to stop sleeping with earplugs by her bed. He wanted Nina.

He wanted his life back.

“A shit night,” Matthias confessed. His mother gasped at his profanity.

“I know what’s gotten into you,” his father sneered, stalking toward him. “After your last training, Brum informed me of some girl that attended your game last week. You’ve been distracted ever since. Haven’t you?”

Matthias shifted, his original passive act was melting under his father anger. His eyes snapped to his mother.

“Darling? Want to know who this wonderful young girl is?” He asked mockingly. His mother looked at Matthias hesitantly. “Nina Zenik.”

Matthias shut his eyes tightly. That was the last name he needed to hear. Her name entranced him more than any other. He felt a spark of fury nesting in his stomach. If he said one word…

“That’s right, our son, distracted by a Zenik,” his father bared his teeth. “Tell me, is the daughter as much of a slut as the mother?”

In a swift movement, Matthias shoved his father’s chest angrily. With a cry, he collapsed into the countertop and clutched his side in pain. He looked up in surprise as Matthias walked over to him. His father had never looked so small.

“Stop terrorising this family,” Matthias warned him, finger in his face. “I am done. I’ll play rugby, I’ll do everything Brum says. But don’t forget. All those hours of training, gym sessions and meals have only been making me stronger. Stronger than you, no doubt. So, leave. Us. Alone.”

With that, he shoved him again. His father fell into to the floor painfully and groaned.

Matthias faced his terrified mother. It was almost picturesque, her hand covering her mouth and the glistening tears in her eyes. She’d rarely exhibited this much emotion.

He gestured for her to follow him upstairs. She gave one last look and obliged.

Without another word, he walked upstairs with his mother beside him. Passing, his little sister’s room it was clear she was awake. 

Matthias reached his own, and flinched as his mother flung her arms around his neck. He felt her tears soak his shirt as he held her.

“Matty, I’m so sorry,” she wept quietly. He rubbed her back.

“I know Ma, I know,” he soothed, breaking away. “Go check on Marika.”

He left her in the hallway as he entered his bedroom. With a long awaited sigh, he placed Nina’s CD on top of his collection.

Chapter Text

Chapter thirty-two: Jesper

What a blessed day.

Jesper grinned cheekily as he practically skipped toward the changing room exit.

The energy during training that afternoon was unlike anything Jesper had ever felt. Each person was finally aware of their role on the field. Every move was made as a team, united for once. And it was working. They had definitely improved. Tomorrow night, they had the chance to prove it, with their first game of the season.

However, this wasn’t what was occupying Jesper’s thoughts or the primary cause for his giddy attitude.

“Sorry Kaz,” Jesper smiled smugly, leaning in. “You’re driving home alone tonight.”

“Whatever will I do?” Kaz said, dripping with sarcasm.

“I’m hanging out with Wylan!” Jesper announced, despite no prompt. Looking at Matthias and Kaz beside him, the enthusiasm did not seem to translate.

“Finally ask him out then?” Kaz asked casually. Jesper stumbled on his feet.

“Ask out?!” Jesper exclaimed before sputtering incoherent nonsense.

Kaz looked at him oddly, frowning deeply. “Don’t- fuck I can’t do this with you too,” Kaz shut his eyes hopelessly. “At Madeline’s party, you were going on and on about him. Now you decide it’s not like that? Shoot me please.”

Jesper stopped in his tracks halfway out of the locker room doors. His mouth slackened with shock. Droning on about Wylan? He didn’t remember that at all. What had he said?

A horrible thought hit him. Had he called Wylan that night? If so, was that why Wylan was acting so strangely that day? Jesper felt ill.

“I think it’s great you're going out with Wylan,” Matthias spoke lowly and empty. “He’s a nice guy.”

“Okay first, we aren’t dating,” Jesper confirmed. “Two, Matthias don’t feel the need to participate bud. You can brood all you want you get a free pass.”

Matthias shrugged lightly, his eyes drooping to the floor. His hair was unwashed and matted, his eyes were bloodshot probably from lack of sleep and his mouth permanently downturned. Jesper grimaced at the sight of him.

Life had hit him with a cargo train recently. Saints, he was depressing to look at. But it was a problem no one could fix but himself. Judging by the looks of him it might take a while.

“Jesper, I swear if you aren’t game ready tomorrow-” Kaz warned, pointing an accusatory finger at him.

“Kaz of course I-” Jesper paused as he heard the melodic ring of his phone. His heart spiked as he pulled it out excitedly. Just as he thought, Wylan had texted him. Sending another smug grin Kaz’s way, he opened it.

Wylan (rich boy)

Friday 7:30 pm

Can’t go, very sorry

Jesper’s grin dropped immediately. He paused rereading the message continuously until the words began to merge. The urge to throw his phone across the field was very strong.

Looking up, Kaz was watching him with an annoyingly knowing look. Jesper scowled.

“Need a ride?” He quipped. Jesper rolled his eyes, saying nothing as he followed him.

Jesper wasn’t just annoyed, he was concerned. Wylan had been acting strange the entire week around him. Jesper had the horrible worry that he’d said something too flirty while drunk. If it wasn’t that then what was it?

Unless, Wylan wasn’t acting oddly around only Jesper. Did something happen to him? Was it just nerves for his upcoming performance or something serious?

He began itching his palm nervously. Instantly, he wished he was back on the field, running mindlessly until he was exhausted. Nervous energy fizzled inside of him.

He pulled out his phone again and typed a response.

Friday 7:30 pm

Hey, that’s okay of course! The dregs game’s tomorrow, love to see you there!

He watched it pend all the way to Kaz’s car. A prickle of sweat formed on the back of his neck.

As he got in, he checked one last time. Nothing.

He slammed it down and rested his head back, rubbing his face.

“You're lucky,” Kaz told him.

Jesper frowned and looked over.

“You get to use the pent-up energy tomorrow,” Kaz smirked. Jesper wanted to kill him.

“Jesper stay wide, stay wide!” Kaz’s loud voice carried across the field. “Don’t bunch!”

Jesper began to migrate away from the action, drifting from the ruck. He was itching to join, his hands tingled by his side and he jumped in his place impatiently.

Jesper was the flanker who, right now, was ordered to stay back. But it was killing him. Kaz was right, he had an immense amount of pent-up energy that he needed to exhort. But his team was not excellent at keeping the ball.

The whistle blew and Jesper got ready in his stance again. He was close to the stadiums, but didn’t have to check to know that no one from Ketterdam College was supporting them.

The play began again and Jesper watched hopelessly. He should be in there! Why had Kaz separated him from the action? Jesper could run a million miles. Standing and watching gave him unbelievable frustration.

As the ball ended up in Keeg’s arms, he skilfully dodged a low tackle but made it not too far as a larger front ended his run. The horn blew for half time. Jesper groaned loudly. He turned and ran back to the side-lines where Kaz was stationed strangely calm.

“Shite Kaz, you're killing me!” Jesper exclaimed. “I need to get in there, I’ve barely touched the ball!”

“You’ll get your chance once the rest of the team falls into line,” Kaz shrugged him off, gesturing for the water boy.

“You don’t seem too upset about it,” Jesper quipped.

“Because I’m not, this is our first game,” Kaz told him, crossing his arms. With that, he walked towards his exhausted defence and began speaking.

Jesper scoffed. So Kaz wanted them to lose? Or did he just expect them to?

Taking water from the tray, he began to stretch his arms and legs just as Kaz had taught them. They were growing cold and sore from disuse. Saints, Jesper needed a run.

Most of his teammates had collapsed to the floor, sweaty and bright red. Most notably of all, they seemed defeated. Even Matthias grew unmotivated as he kneeled beside them.

As he swung his arms behind his head and scanned the stadium. The blinding colours of green and white hurt his eyes. As he predicted not an ounce of red or gold for The Dregs. Except…

Inej seemed to have noticed that Jesper had seen her and stood up waving enthusiastically. She wore a maroon scarf over her brown jacket and a golden headband. Beside her was Wylan, who had not worn the colours.

But it didn’t matter, because Wylan was there, watching him. His heart leapt in his throat and he began to feel nervous in a way he hadn’t before.

Jesper waved with his two arms and jumped up so Inej knew it was for her. He could practically hear her laugh from where he stood.

Beside the two, Nina was not present. Then again, he hadn’t expected her to show up with Matthias there.

“Hey guys,” Roeder exclaimed, pointing to Inej and Wylan. “Ha! Look, we’ve got fans!”

The whole team looked over at jumping and waving Inej. She stopped once they all noticed her but instead put her fists up in celebration. Wylan stuck his hand up to wave.

Jesper looked over a team, red in the face, out of breath and yet all of them bore a grin on their face. Even Kaz’s lips were tilted upward.

“C’mon!” Jesper announced, tearing their attention away. “We’ve gotta put in the work for them, right? We can’t let them come here for nothing! Who knows, maybe next week it’ll be more.”

A murmur of agreement arose and suddenly the dim and defeated tension simmered away. He recognised a determination in the boys, a glimmer of hope that had returned. He looked over to Kaz, who seemed to have noticed the same thing.

“Alright Dregs!” Kaz shouted to all of them. “Huddle up! Let’s focus, we’re still in this!”

Kaz gestured to Nikolai on the side. He kicked off from the wall and jogged over, grabbing the whiteboard as he came.

Kaz began to remind them of all the strategies they’d practised in training. He suggested the forwards stay wide in case there’s a turnaround. He then encouraged more communication from the defence line.

And Jesper got no advice.

“Alright, I know you can do better than this!” Kaz exclaimed. “I know you can run faster, tackle harder and throw farther. I’ve seen it with my own two eyes. I know you’ve got the skills, you all just need to remember it.”

The team nodded together, looking at each other. Jesper reached his hand into the circle, “Dregs on three! One, two three!”

“Dregs,” the team screamed in unison. Kaz backed away, whispering something to Nikolai.

Jesper felt a twinge of irritation. Why hadn’t he told Jesper anything? Why had he kept him away from the pack? He was frustrated that he still had a yearning for Kaz’s approval, like he was fourteen again.

Looking over at his shoulder, he spotted Wylan and Inej again. They stood at the railing and waved as he made eye contact. Jesper pointed to them.

He felt a familiar buzz of nervous energy, his stomach warming at the sight of Wylan.

His blue eyes pierced through Jesper’s even as far as they were. Jesper could count the freckles on his face purely by memory he realised. He wanted to desperately, so he could calm himself. He wanted Wylan to tell him he was doing well, almost as much as he wanted Kaz to.

It was strange how much he wanted Wylan to encourage him, to believe in him, to be impressed. It felt similar to how you would feel when you-

Oh shit

Jesper paused in his tracks, halfway to his position. He liked Wylan. He liked Wylan a lot.

When had it happened? Was it when they started sitting together in math or walking to class together? Was it when they started texting each other? Or when Wylan started to talk and tease him back?

No, he realised, it was when they’d spent that day together after school in the playground. When Wylan told him about his family and Jesper began to understand who he truly was. It was watching him run back home after falling off the swing.

But he hadn’t known that’s what it was until now. It was why no other person could interest him, his heart was stuck in that playground. It was the reason he was a wreck whenever he didn’t see Wylan for a while.

So he liked him. A lot. But what could he do? He couldn’t tell him, could he?

“Jesper! What the fuck are you doing?!” Kaz shouted, snapping Jesper out of his haze. “Get in position.”

Fuck!

The side-line umpire whistled in Kaz’s direction, “No foul language! This is a school game, sir!”

Kaz rolled his eyes and Jesper sprinted to his starting position before Kaz lost his shit even more. As he reached it, the horn signalled the start of the quarter.

Everything happened quickly, Jesper’s mind fell almost static. The sounds around him tuned out until he could only hear his shallow breathing.

He followed the ball with his eyes, but he didn’t engage. Every time he blinked, he saw Wylan’s face. Saints, why is this happening now?

“Jesper!” He heard Kaz’s demanding voice behind him. “Get in the play!”

As Jesper stepped forward, it was too late. Matthias was dragged down in a ruck. Jesper placed his hands over his head in defeat.

“Jesper, get your head in the game!” Kaz called out angrily.

“Do you want me to stay wide or go in?!” He shouted back, frustrated.

“Fucking hell,” he murmured to himself.

It wasn’t like Matthias to be tackled so easily either, but Kaz was only yelling at him. He felt Wylan’s eyes burning into his head behind him. How was he expected to play like this?

Jesper wiped his face, trying to pull his thoughts into order. He jogged on the spot. He wouldn’t mess up like that again.

As the whistle blew the players burst into movement. Jesper watched as Matthias was again caught by the massive flanker. But in a burst of action, Pim ran through them, picking up the ball swiftly. He began sprinting down the line, as their forwards began to wake up. Jesper followed quickly, slowing himself to match.

As the halfbacks began closing in on Pim, he turned to his side and passed to Jesper just before he was dragged down. The ball was in his hands.

He could feel it now, pure adrenaline. He didn’t hold back anymore, he sprinted down the line. Beside him, he could hear the booing of the crowd, but also the small pocket of cheering. It fuelled him.

With the ball tucked into his side, he ran and dodged all defence. His legs carried him home.

He slammed the ball in victory and threw up his hand in celebration. He saw the rest of his team running down the field toward him, cheering and jumping in the air.

It was their first point in four years.

He allowed himself to be taken by the group as they reached him. Even Matthias was bearing a wide grin.

As the celebration died down, Jesper looked over to the stadium. Inej and Wylan were jumping and cheering.

Grinning, he pointed to Wylan and made a heart with his hands. He winked.

Jesper recognised Wylan’s blush, even miles away.

Chapter Text

Chapter thirty-three: Nina

Okay, this is too much.

Nina thought to herself as she heard cheering erupt in the dining hall as The Dregs team walked in.

They had lost, how big a deal was it anyway? She rolled her eyes and turned back around to continue munching on her roll. Then she noticed that Inej and Wylan too, were clapping happily. Nina wanted to gouge her eyes out.

It was The Dregs first time scoring in a game for four years. Apparently it was oddly close too, being 4 to 6. In fact, it was the first time a Ketterdam team had come even remotely close to winning in years.

But still, she refused to believe the attention was well earned. Kaz just gave them some extra drills that was all.

Okay, maybe it was her resentment for Matthias that made their victory taste bitter in her mouth. He had scored twice from what Inej told her, who was now a rugby expert. Though, he didn’t play as well as he usually did which gave her a sick satisfaction.

She had refused to watch the game and slightly regretted it. But she would never admit that to anyone. If she’d gone and Matthias noticed her, she would have been sent into a panic.

The night of the party was probably one of her top five lowest moments. She cried until she was a dehydrated prawn and listened to her breakup CD until her ears bled. Inej had tried to console her, but even she had reached the limit of Jeff Buckley music. They weren’t even dating and this was the worst she had felt over a boy, ever.

What made it worse was he seemed to be doing just as badly. Jesper had constantly brought up him being a mess and from the quick glances she stole, he looked it too. It infuriated her.

Why was he so heartbroken? It was his own bloody choice! If he could just beg on his knees for forgiveness, everything would be fine. But instead he’s brooding and avoiding her. What did he mean they couldn’t be friends? What had she ever done to him? It was Matthias who had excluded her and put her down. Of course that was going to effect how she saw him.

What was playing in Nina’s mind like a broken record was him telling her that she was blaming him for everything. How dare he make her feel guilty! He had rarely mentioned this hurting him. Sure, other people had brought it up… No! He was doing it again, making her feel bad!

She still hadn’t found out who had told Zoya about the issues with her mother. It definitely wasn’t Inej. She’d asked her promising not be angry, but Inej had told her no. Nina would always trust Inej’s word. So who was it?

“Saints, their egos are growing by the minute,” Nina finally snapped at Inej and Wylan. “You can stop feeding it.”

They both paused and looked at each other. Nina rolled her eyes. Inej stopped clapping and sent her a tight smile.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Nina warned.

“I’m not looking at you in any way,” Inej countered with a raised chin.

“You are.”

“Aren’t”

“Are.”

“I’m not.”

“You’re doing it again-” Nina paused as she saw Inej’s eyes flicker behind her. She sucked in a breath. “Tell me they aren’t coming. Inej, tell me they aren’t coming.”

“Wylan!” Jespers musical voice sang out, peaking Wylan’s interest. Nina covered her face in her hands, she could not see Matthias. She couldn’t hear his voice.

“Oh joy,” Wylan responded monotonously. Nina groaned.

“Don’t worry Nina,” Jesper clasped a hand on her shoulder. “Just me!”

Nina raised her head and slowly turned to the side. Jesper was alone. She relaxed and leaned back in her chair. She could feel Matthias looking at them though. Probably her. Her loathing heightened.

“Saints Nina,” Jesper blew out a low breath. “I mean what the fuck happened?”

“Jesper,” Inej scolded, with her stern motherly tone. “Stay out of it.”

Nina had told only Inej what was said. She had told Wylan parts of it, but he didn’t know the history of the two of them. Inej was there since she had first met Matthias. And anyways, Wylan was having his own issues according to Inej.

However, Jesper she would not tell.

Jesper slid into the seat beside her, across from Wylan. She had heard about the heart gesture made for him during the game. Inej had been teasing Wylan relentlessly.

“So having fun?” Jesper grinned.

“Less so,” Nina grumbled. She knew Jesper rolled his eyes, despite not seeing him. “Come to torture me?”

“Why are you here Jesper?” Wylan asked him frankly. They all turned to look at him, Jesper put his hands up in surrender.

“A guy can’t sit with his friends?” he scoffed, though he seemed nervous and his eyes darted around. She had never seen him this frazzled. It thrilled her. She shot a look at Inej who was smirking too.

“So, Jesper…” Nina nudged him slightly. “Madeline forgiven you for the failed second date?”

Jesper looking over at her wildly, his eyes seemed to glaze with fustration. “No hard feelings,” he shrugged. “We talked it over at the party.”

“Why didn’t you like her anyways?” Inej asked, leaning in challengingly. “Was it something she said? Not compatible? Or… is there someone else?”

Jesper now looked to her with narrowed eyes, he sucked in his cheek with a forced smile. “You know, I think someone is calling my name over there,” he announced, placing his hands on the table and standing.

“No there isn’t.”

“I assure you, there was.”

With that he waved to all of them and after a lingering look at Wylan, he left.

“There wasn’t!” Nina called out to him. Inej and Nina burst into giggles and Wylan was covering his face in embarrassment.

Jesper flipped them off and their laughter grew. Wiping a tear, Nina’s eyes flickered to Matthias, catching his eye. She almost gagged. Her laughing abruptly ended. A familiar sinking feeling begun.

“What- Nina?” Inej frowned, concerned. Nina stood suddenly.

“I’m sorry, I have to-” Nina couldn’t even finish. She rushed off and out of the dining hall. His eyes sickened her. They sickened her because they still made her feel something.

She made it to the bathroom and shut herself up in a stall, crossing her arms over her chest.

Why was he always there? He was torturing her, haunting her by just existing. Everyone was living their love stories, Wylan with Jesper and even Kaz seemed to have a growing interest in Inej. But her? She was stuck pining for a guy that hated her but didn’t.

The door in the bathroom squeaked open. Nina hugged her legs to her chest, squeezing onto the toliet seat. She heard shuffling and muffled goodbyes.

“Nina?”

Her heart dropped. It was a dangerous voice. One that belonged to Imogen. This was the last thing she needed right now.

“Nina, I know you’re in there,” Imogen chuckled slightly.

Nina rubbed her face and straightened her hair out. With a deep breath, she opened the stall. Imogen was leaning on the sink with crossed arms, smiling.

“What do you want?” Nina rolled her eyes, walking next to her. She began to wash her hands.

“I’m sorry to hear about Matthias,” Imogen sighed heavily, reaching into her pocket and pulling out mascara.

“We both know you aren’t,” Nina scoffed, turning off the sink. She looked at Imogen through the mirror, who was looking right back.

“I’m not,” Imogen admitted, shrugging. “But it’s a shame how it ended. You argue near windows often.”

So, Imogen had heard their argument? Great. She’d probably heard her sobbing after he left too. Nina realised she didn’t really care much, she’d held Imogen’s hair enough times over the toilet to not feel embarrassed.

“Dull party I guess? If you resorted to eavesdropping,” Nina laughed. “Another failed attempt with Kaz?”

Imogen’s lips drew into a line, Nina had hit a nerve. “It’s really horrible of you to try to place the blame on him,” Imogen drawled. “When it was someone else.”

Nina paused by the hand dryer. Something clicked in her brain, turning slowly, Imogen was watching her intently.

“You bitch.”

Imogen’s smile grew, “Did mummy console you after your breakup? Because she clearly knows how to handle one.”

Nina’s anger boiled into fury. How had Imogen known this? Did she eavesdrop at the diner too? That creep!

“What is wrong with you!” Nina cried. “I am so sick of you trying to ruin my life!”

Imogen flinched back, surprised at her volume. She swallowed her shock, but her smile didn’t return.

“What did I ever do to you? You’re so obsessed with outdoing me in every single way, for what?” Nina shouted. “A couple extra points with the girls? It’s pathetic and sad.”

Nina was inching toward her slowly. Each step Imogen was growing more red. Something was building between them.

“You know what? That’s how I feel for you, sad!” Nina sneered as Imogen’s lip quivered. “It’s sad that you spend your life invested in someone else’s. Can’t you just get your own fucking life?”

Imogen flinched at her words, her nostrils flared indignantly, “Shut your-!”

“No, why?! Why are you such a cunt?!”

“Because of you!” Imogen screamed finally. “Because of you! It’s all so natural, isn’t it? The way people flock to you like birds, the way you draw people in. It’s so unfair!”

Nina paused. Imogen’s eye grew glossy, but something else was written on her face.

“Why is it so easy for you?” She almost pleaded. “You know how long I had to craft myself to have the friends I do now? Do you know how hard I’ve worked to gain respect since Kaz embarrassed me? For him to even look my way again? People thought I was a joke!”

Nina remembered this. The school gossiping about Kaz giving Imogen his rugby number to wear. Then, out of nowhere, he ignored her completely before they could even hold hands. But Imogen still wore it, months after.

“I had to change myself for everyone. But not you. For you, it’s as easy at breathing. And I hate you for it! I hate you!”

Nina was stunned into silence. Imogen was breathing heavily, almost animalistic. Then, her eyes flashed with terror, like she couldn’t believe she had just told Nina that.

She burst into tears. Nina felt an unwelcome wave of sadness for her.

“I did change myself,” Nina whispered, through Imogen’s sobs. “For so long I wanted people to accept me. I changed to fit in with you and the girls. I became someone I didn’t like. But I have something here now, a real friend. When Inej came to school I realised that it was too tiring being someone I wasn’t. And it’s not worth energy either Imogen.”

“I don’t want to hear about perfect Inej,” Imogen sobbed. “Fuck off”

With that, she stumbled into the stall and locked it.

Nina sighed, standing alone in the bathroom once more. She turned to the side and looked at herself in the reflection of the mirror. Someone had envied her? If Imogen really knew her, she was certain it wouldn’t be the case.

She shot a look at the closed stall, listening to Imogen’s muffled cries. Nina was tired of being surrounded by such pain. But what was the world like without something wrong? Maybe it was boring.

Nina left the bathroom with an odd respect for Imogen. She had admitted something, more than Nina could say.

But she was still furious about the sharing of her personal information.

Luckily, Zoya hadn’t seemed to tell anyone about it. Genya hadn’t approached and forced a counselling session on her like Inej. However, Inej was always talking about Alina like a Saint, so it mustn’t be that bad.

She realised the bell must’ve gone as the halls were empty and quiet. Turning the corner, she almost bumped into someone.

“Oh sorry,” Nina apologised, before looking up. Matthias’s captivating eyes looked back. She stumbled in horror.

“Nina,” Matthias said in his low voice.

Nina attempted to compose herself, “Matthias.”

They stood for a moment, simply staring. She saw as Matthias’s eyes scanned her, almost hungrily. Nina felt a tinge in her heart and her face heat. What was he doing? What sort of psychological manipulation was this?

He looked horrible, but she couldn’t help but find the beauty still. His platinum hair was messy and there was stubble growing on his chin that made her want to laugh.

“I know it wasn’t you,” Nina told him. The words tumbled out of her before she could stop them. His eyebrows raised slightly.

“Well,” Matthias mumbled. “Yeah.”

Nina nodded solemnly, she supposed he deserved to know she believed him. Honestly, the minute she confronted him she knew it wasn’t true.

She hated seeing the heartbreak in his eyes. It made her sick. Nina realised now that she had hurt Matthias just as much as he did her. She hadn’t wanted to accept any responsibility in the friendship ending, but she played a large part in it.

Her resentment towards him poisoned any chance of growth. No wonder he couldn’t kiss her, she refused to even trust him. He wasn’t the only confusing one and their relationship paid the price.

For years her mother had made everything her fault, so eventually Nina decided that nothing was. And somewhere in between, she forgot how to tell the difference.

There was nothing left for her but guilt. It wasn’t fair on him to take all the responsibility. Nina had hurt him too and she couldn’t take any of it back. But she could admit it.

“I’m sorry Matthias,” Nina told him, her eyes glazing over slightly. She bit her lip to avoid a sob escaping, her eyebrows furrowed together. She inhaled deeply, trying to hold in her devastation. “For everything. I’m really sorry.”

Matthias’s mouth hung open. But she hoped it helped. She hoped he understood that she wasn’t all that mad at him anymore. That it wasn’t all his fault.

They were both just broken pieces of a puzzle trying to fit together. Two sides of the same coin. But it just wouldn’t work.

Nina gave a final nod, scanning him as he did her. Matthias still seemed unable to speak. Nina’s hands flexed by her side. How she wanted to hug him. But instead she turned away and walked down the hall.

The sound of her school shoes clicking on the floor filled the silence. He didn’t call out to her. It was best that way. If he chased her, she wouldn’t run.

Nina was incredibly late to biology.

Chapter Text

Chapter thirty-four: Kaz

I hate his teeth-bearing smile.

Kaz cursed him, sitting across the room from the owner of The Emerald Prince. He hadn’t been back in a while. Free time had become a luxury. Between school and his new rugby team obligations, Kaz lost time for… personal interests.

He used to attend the pub often, especially after his injury. There was a certain level of spitefulness he had to reach before entering its grimy doors. Honestly, despite his hatred for the establishment, he knew that the pub was extremely overrated.

Their beer was bitter, the screen was grainy and nothing was ever washed properly. They were also always severely understaffed. The only reason it became so popular was bartenders never checked IDs. It was an easy entry for all ages who wanted a drink.

But again, it had been a while since he had been there. Things had changed. The tables were less sticky and their beer was almost enjoyable. It was also a weeknight, so it was certainly quieter than it would usually be. Yet he saw two bartenders serving drinks and three waitresses walking around. Only Kaz knew where he was getting the money to do this.

“Want a refill?” A girl asked over his shoulder. One of the waitresses on staff being Imogen.

“I haven’t finished,” Kaz muttered, not looking over.

“It’s half-empty.”

“Half-full, actually.”

She laughed and his frown deepened.

“Pekka Rollins is retiring to his office soon,” she whispered as she leaned in slightly closer. He nodded and straightened in his seat. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his phone checking the time. Bajan would arrive soon. “He told us he’s finishing early.”

Kaz scoffed, retiring from his regular job sure. But he was certainly engaging in business elsewhere.

Imogen hadn’t moved from her spot, he gave her an unimpressed look. With a defeated sigh, she shuffled away.

Kaz had asked Nina for a favour once, regarding Imogen. She had been a long-time employee at The Emerald Palace and the owner was decently fond of her. He was able to learn of some of his habits through her communication.

More recently, he had capitalised on this. However, apparently Imogen had taken this the wrong way, believing Kaz was still interested.

It was true, Kaz had been interested in Imogen around late year 8. There was something more authentic about her back then. The low-rise pants she always wore to his games, her crooked smile as she cheered and her wavy blonde hair.

He remembered how often she’d watch the games and congratulate him afterwards. Kaz had even asked her to wear his number at the games.

That’s when the rumours swirled. It was as if a spotlight had been placed on the two of them. Kaz thought he could make it work, that one day he would be able to touch her.

But as time passed Imogen grew more expectant and the pressure continued to mount, and he realised how impossible it was. She would never understand.

Kaz grew colder to her, but she never stopped wearing his number. The holidays allowed Kaz to get rid of all the prying questions. However, Imogen came back with a boyfriend. Another boy on the rugby team.

He wasn’t sure what happened but Imogen had changed. Her hair was constantly straightened, her face always done with makeup and she walked around with girls she called her accessories.

Kaz had lost anything feelings he had towards her in that time. Not even her crooked teeth endeared him. Soon enough it was clear that Kaz didn’t care a bit, and she broke it off with the guy.

The only thing that reminded Kaz of her existence was her infuriating fixation on Inej. The gossip she created reeked of insecurity. He had never known someone to take rejection worse.

Thinking of Inej, he softened. Once his mind had snapped to her, it was hard to get anywhere else. Even now, where he was sitting, it had been the first time he’d seen her. Without a word being spoken he had a feeling that he’d known her, like they had met before. 

She’d recently attended all of The Dregs games, showing their team the much needed support. She always made a point to tell Kaz he should be proud, even when they lost. Annoyingly, he’d grown expectant of it.

Always the optimist with her eyes sparkling and her mouth only just poking out of the tightly wrapped scarf around her neck.

Her laugh was dangerously distracting even muffled in the fabric. As he drove her home, she listened to him explain rugby in-depth. Kaz hadn’t remembered talking for that long in years.

The slammed front door was able to drag Kaz out of his thoughts. He looked up and spotted Bajan, hands in pockets and beanie pulled over his hair. Kaz reached into his pocket and pulled his phone out, pressing record.

Kaz watched as Imogen greeted him loudly gaining the attention of Pekka. With a small nod of his head, Pekka threw his hand towel down and gestured to the back. He watched as they walked through the double doors.

Imogen gave a wave to Kaz as he exited. After a quick scan of his surroundings, he ducked down the alleyway beside the pub. Reaching Pekka’s office, he saw the window had been left open.

He kneeled beside the floor-placed window, hiding around the corner as much as possible. Wincing before he rolled onto his left leg, he aimed his camera toward the corner. Pekka and Bajan took a seat beside his computer. Got you bastard.

“That was good!”

“It wasn’t enough.”

“What?”

Kaz was furious, all that effort and what did they get? Pekka Rollins talking about his good credit. Not one word about the gambling show, the money or even paying Bajan.

“You told me he asked you there for your bimonthly payment,” Kaz grunted, squeezing the wheel. “He didn’t say anything! And you didn’t even try to steer him in that direction!”

“Well sorry, I’ve never been a spy before!” Bajan threw up his hands. “He was talking about- about you know… the bank.”

“His bank score, Bajan,” Kaz shot back angrily. “Not exactly incriminating.”

Bajan fell silent, he was clearly frustrated but both of them knew he was out of his depth. He didn’t know enough to be arguing, only served as a wide-eyed coward or a stuttering mess.

“I’m sorry,” Bajan muttered, tapping his foot rapidly. “He told me he has to pay later, once the money is sorted. We have another chance, I’ll text him to get me the money earlier.”

He spoke as though he was more fearful of Kaz. 

“No,” Kaz replied shortly, sending him a sideways look. “I’m dropping you off. Don’t contact me unless Pekka sends you anything else.”

Bajan didn’t respond, he was glancing anxiously out the car window. As though he might jump out at any moment. Kaz wouldn’t stop him if he did.

They drove in silence until reaching Bajan’s street. Kaz drove past the turn, causing Bajan to freeze and shoot a wild look over. But he pulled into the parking lot across from the playground. Kaz waited expectantly, with his hands on his wheel, tapping absentmindedly.

“Inej had nothing to do with it,” Bajan whispered breathlessly. Kaz stiffened at her name.

He forgot how much Bajan didn’t know. There was no way of him knowing. According to both sources, Inej and Bajan barely spoke to each other now.

So, he still believed that Kaz was capable of hurting Inej. A testament to his obliviousness. There was something oddly nice to know that Bajan still cared.

“I am never going to hurt her,” Kaz told him, Bajan snapped his head over. Kaz sighed and rubbed his forehead. I can't believe I’m doing this.

“Apologise to Inej,” Kaz said. “I know you feel betrayed or some bullshit, but this is all up to you. You need to be the one to fix it. She was only working with me for your sake. Inej cares more than most people deserve. You’re lucky to be one of those people.”

Bajan was utterly silent. The tapping of his foot had stopped and only his uneven breathing was a sign of life.

“Do you… speak to her?”

Kaz paused. There was no use lying. ”Yes,” he admitted. “I do.”

He waited for a Bajan to lose his mind, to cuss him out, maybe even to hit him. But he sat utterly still, preparing himself to ask something important.

“Is… she okay?” He muttered.

Kaz nodded, looking ahead. “She’s doing good.”

“That’s- that’s good,” Bajan nodded as he took it in. “Yeah, that’s good.”

They sat in silence again, staring ahead at Kaz’s headlights blaring into the darkness, the faint hum of the radio in the background. Bajan had calmed now, no fidgeting or shaky breathing.

Kaz had taken his hands off the wheel and played with the rim of his phone. His brows were furrowed in thought. Was this footage truly useless?

Suddenly it became clear that Bajan was not getting out without encouragement.

“Get out,” Kaz sighed. Bajan nodded awkwardly, it was all he needed. He fumbled with the seatbelt as he unbuckled it and pushed himself out, leaning down to the car window to wave. Kaz reached over to shut the door in his face.

Leaving Bajan was easy, but the prospect of going home was less appealing. Colm was getting increasingly more aware of Kaz’s late nights. Jesper had been telling him they were spent with Inej, but as time grew Kaz could see the lines of his forehead growing with concern. There was only so long he would believe it.

Pulling into the driveway, Kaz noticed all the lights were turned off in the house. Frowning, he checked the time. 9:30 pm wasn’t even that late.

Walking in was eery, there was no muffled TV sound in the living room or the sound of Jesper heating leftovers in the microwave for a second dinner.

“Hello?” Kaz called out to the dark house. A spike of caution ran through him. Were they gone out of their own will? Or had Kaz’s concerning past finally caught up to him?

He slowly climbed the stairs, one at a time. His leg was on fire but that barely crossed his mind. Upstairs was even darker, the end of the hallway shadowed so deeply he swore he could see figures. Each door was open, except one. The bathroom.

“Hello?” Kaz shouted again. No answer.

Placing his cane into a striking position, his body tensed. Who was in the bathroom? It must be Jesper or Colm. Who else could it be?

Then, the faint sounds of running water echoed down the hall. His body went cold. Jordie?

Kaz saw flashes of what was awaiting him, the running water, white eyes, the foaming mouth. The water that wouldn’t stop. Why wouldn’t it stop? Why didn’t he turn it off?

Kaz’s ears were ringing as he inched closer, every hair on his arm stood in anticipation. Kaz was nine again. He reached for the doorknob.

It was swung open and Kaz raised his cane to be met with a horrified scream.

“Ah! What the fuck!” Jesper screeched bending into himself. “What the fuck are you doing?!”

“Jesper?” Kaz sputtered incredulously. Of course, it was. That was the most logical explanation. What was Kaz even thinking?

“Yes! Jesper!” He scoffed, pulling a headphone out. “The Jesper who lives here?”

He groaned irritated and slammed the bathroom door behind him, raising a brow at Kaz. “What?”

“Were you showering?” Kaz asked. The water wasn’t running anymore. Was it ever?

“No! Fucks sake,” Jesper rolled his eyes. “I was plucking my brows. I couldn’t hear you, I need music when I do it.”

He gestured to his headphones and Kaz had never felt more humiliated. He forced down his uneasiness, attempting to be casual.

“Is Colm not home?” Kaz inquired, turning towards his room.

“He’s out visiting ma,” Jesper answered, voice strained. Kaz nodded.

“It’s a bit dark for the graveyard isn’t it?”

“Hasn’t stopped him.”

“Right,” Kaz nodded, he turned over his shoulder to where Jesper still stood. “They're uneven by the way.”

“Wha-? They aren’t-” Jesper cried, clutching his eyebrows. Kaz slammed his door shut and listened to Jesper run back into the bathroom.

As he shut the door, he exhaled the large anxious breath he had been holding. Clutching his heart through his shirt, he leaned back onto the door attempting to get his breathing in order.

It’s fine, Jesper didn’t notice.

But that wasn’t what mattered. He had completely lost his wits at the slightest chance of danger. What was he thinking? Jordie’s ghost had come back to haunt him? Ridiculous! 

People had been put on medication for less. What if he acted like that during a more critical moment? He needed to get himself into order.

He swung into his desk chair towards his laptop, glad to have something to do. As he turned it on a flood of emails regarding the Dregs popped up. The school had taken a deep interest in the team after their ‘outstanding’ games.

As he connected it to his laptop, he downloaded the photos and video into HD for optimum quality. But it was useless anyway. Looking over the video it was how Kaz expected, it did not serve as culpable evidence.

Groaning, he ran his hand through his hair and gripped it. He was still losing to Pekka without him even knowing he was in the game.

Nonetheless, he placed the videos and photos in a USB drive and tucked them deep into his folder. Kaz had the patience.

A notification snapped Kaz from his daze, a thrill ran through him. Had Pekka messaged Bajan about something else?

Inej Ghafa

Tuesday 9:45 pm

Hey! Wanna do something after school tomorrow? All good if not, thought I’d ask!

Kaz shut his laptop, leaning into his phone.

Tuesday 9:45 pm

I’ll drive.

Inej Ghafa

Tuesday 9:46 pm

Great! Also, Nina, Jesper and I are hanging out Thursday, would you come?

Tuesday 9:46 pm

No.

Inej Ghafa

Tuesday 9:47 pm

All good!

Chapter Text

Chapter thirty-five: Wylan

I hate you.

Wylan thought furiously, sitting on the same wooden dining chair he always did, eating his steak and mash as usual.

The fire glinted from the fireplace, highlighting his father's beading forehead. His nose was scrunched in his debonair way and his hair was oil slicked back. His father's entire complexation was crafted to perfection. It was hideous.

The fire crackled in the background of Alys ranting. Every crackle, every pop sent a shiver down Wylan’s spine. Over the sound of ringing in his ears and the burning of the fireplace, Alys was talking of marriage. Particularly, her marriage to his father.

His blood boiled at her entitlement, she didn’t know any better but he loathed her all the same.

There were no words to describe Wylan’s undeniable and inescapable fury towards his father. Never had he felt it as strongly as he had in that moment. No slap, no hit, no shouting, no starving had ever filled him with this much anger.

He had endured the worst kind of parenting and still, it was the cruelty against his mother that had tipped him.

Alys and Van Eck had informed him about their marriage. He had already known for a week since he visited his mother. Each night spent with them, the fireplace crackled like Wylan’s own flame of fury. They spoke of it so casually. His father hadn’t breathed a word of the divorce and barely joined Alys in preparations.

Their marriage would ruin his mother's life. It would take her out of a facility where she was safe and thriving. All for a marriage he seemed to care less about.

His audacity astounded Wylan, did he feel no remorse or guilt? Did he feel anything at all? He couldn't. No human with any regular thoughts and emotions could exhibit such cruel actions.

All of his wrongdoings and abuses were scarred on his face and he was completely unaware. Wylan found him disgustingly ugly.

“I hate you,” Wylan muttered as his eyes were glued to Van Eck. Alys ceased her chattering. Everything around them stilled, even the fire stopped crackling.

“Pardon?” Alys frowned.

“I hate you,” Wylan spat with all the venom he could muster. Van Eck’s nose flared in horror. Wylan didn’t look away, he didn’t blink until there was a flicker of uncertainty in his eyes.

“You dare speak disrespect into this house?” He glared. He was growing, towering over Wylan, but he hadn’t moved an inch. “In front of Alys?”

Wylan didn’t say anything. Van Eck’s breathing resembled that of a bull. Angry and ready to fight. Wylan had held back for years, out of fear and nothing else. But something burned inside him, stronger than submission. His mother was powerless, so he must stand for her.

“You’ve ruined my mother's life,” Wylan told him, glaring still. “She will be homeless and alone. For what? A loveless marriage?”

Alys gasped, Wylan wasn’t sure about what, the loveless marriage or the unspoken mother.

Van Eck slammed his hand against the table as he usually did, “Do not bring Mayra into this! This is not something you could understand!”

“Because I can’t understand anything?” Wylan mocked. “Because I can’t read?”

Van Eck raised his hand past his head and slapped Wylan harshly so he toppled back into his seat.

Wylan was firstly stunned, he clutched his cheek. His eyes found Alys instead, the whites of her eyes more visible than before. You’ll have to live in this terror. He turned back to Van Eck.

“If you hit me one more time,” Wylan warned him. “I will call child services.”

Van Eck outright laughed. Wylan narrowed his eyes.

“How will it be?” Wylan continued, his words falling out his mouth now, fighting his instinct to cower. “When a principal is charged for abusing his son? How will it be when Ketterdam finds out how you forced a girl into marriage and put her on the street? You’ll lose your job and your reputation. What else is that important to you, father?”

Van Eck scanned Wylan disbelievingly, “Where have you found this nerve boy? Whatever it is will be gone in the morning. Why waste words?”

Wylan looked at him again with his frustrations slowly spilling over his eyes, “I fucking hate you.”

“Shut up boy,” Van Eck sighed, rubbing his forehead. Squeezing his eyes with his fingers. Wylan continued.

“I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!” Wylan screamed at him. He couldn’t stop. He would tell him a hundred times over how much he despised him. He couldn’t do it anymore, he couldn’t live in it anymore. What could he do? He was stuck, his mother was doomed. He hated him.

“To your room,” Van Eck bellowed. “Now!”

Wylan didn’t have to be told twice. He scurried off into his room in a storm of rage. He slammed his door shut but didn’t lock it. He knew his father wouldn’t visit him tonight. His audacity might steer him away.

Wylan fell to the floor in a useless heap, pulling at his hair. He was helpless. All he could do for his mother was scream at Van Eck. She was on the brink of nothing and Wylan sat idly in the dining room.

He was suffocating in the manor. He needed to get out. Lifting his head, his eyes found his window. An idea struck him.

The view from the window was nerve wracking. It was situated conveniently beside the pipe, but still, he was in the second level.

Biting his lip, he glanced back at the door, wondering whether he should lock it. But in another burst of spontaneity, he reached for the drain pipe.

Twisting his body out of the window, he placed all his weight on it. He clung to it tightly, allowing himself to inch downward.

However, the previous rain had left all things around the house slippery and Wylan’s grip did not prevail. He hit the ground with a painful thud.

Groaning, he rolled to his side. After a couple of seconds of controlled breathing, Wylan found it in him to get up. Pushing himself onto his knees, he realised someone was standing close by, watching him quietly. He paused, gulping.

“You have to let me go,” Wylan pleaded to the housemaid. “Please.”

She looked between him and the house, with the kind eyes he always recognised. She was never going to keep him from escaping.

“Go Mr. Wylan,” she told him. Wylan nodded stiffly before sprinting past her. He reached fence right before it locked for the night.

He wasn’t sure why he was running, no one was chasing him. But he just needed to go. Perhaps Van Eck might be happy to find he was gone.

But Wylan would need to return. It was impossible to run away even if he wanted to. His father had custody of Wylan and was the principal of his school. Van Eck was inescapable.

After a while he stumbled into a stop. Now he’d wished he had tried harder in PE. Wylan decided he needed direction. He supposed he could find sanctuary at one of his friend's houses. Inej would be ideal.

But would that place an unnecessary burden on her? This was bigger than even he could handle. And maybe he didn’t want to explain everything that Van Eck had done.

He continued to walk pointlessly until he reached the corner shop where he seemed to always find himself. It was open, even at 9:00 pm. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he realised he had no money. Sighing, he continued on.

His head was a blur, nothing around him made sense. People walked past him in groups, alone, happy, sad, drunk, quiet. All the same, it was just nothing. The streets were dark and gloomy, still glistening with rain. But he couldn’t see the beauty in it anymore.

He paused and saw where his feet had taken him. Laughing at himself, he walked over and sat on a swing. The playground Jesper had first taken him to was lit beautifully by a single street lamp. This was the first playground he’d ever been to. And possibly the best afternoon of his life.

Using his heel, he swung around in circles. It felt strange to be by himself and it wasn’t as fun without a companion. With a huff of indignation, he kicked a piece of bark.

“Rich boy?”

Wylan’s head snapped up. Jesper was on the other side of the playground with his hands in his pockets, grinning.

“What are the chances, huh?” Jesper laughed to himself and began jogging over. Wylan blinked not believing he was real. It was a hallucination surely, something to make him feel better.

“What are you doing here?” Wylan blinked as Jesper made his way.

“Saints, you gotta stop asking me that,” Jesper chuckled and shook his head. He jumped into the swing beside him.

“Sorry.”

“No, no it’s just- I don’t know.”

Silence befell them. Wylan could see Jesper swinging slightly beside him. He looked over in curiosity and Jesper was leaning his head on the chain gazing at him. Wylan blushed slightly. What was he doing?

“Are you okay?” Jesper mumbled into the hand he leaned on. “You seem off, also you’re out past your curfew.”

“How do you know my curfew?” Wylan scoffed bewildered.

“You told me?”

“When?”

“First time we came here.”

“You remember?”

“I do.”

Wylan frowned and looked away. Something in Jesper’s eyes was intense, an intensity that made him get prickles in his skin.

Even after yelling at his father, the most alive he felt that night was beside Jesper. Something was shifting in his life. He was beginning to lift his head.

“Why are you here, Wylan?” Jesper dropped his voice.

Wylan sighed and leaned on the chain as well, “I ran away.”

“What!”

“Just for a few hours, I’ll go back soon,” Wylan hurriedly added, he could see Jesper sit up. “I yelled at Van Eck.”

“Why?”

Wylan bit his lip and looked away. Could he tell him? Should he tell him? Jesper didn’t even know his mother was in a care home. He didn’t know a lot of things, but Wylan felt an overwhelming urge to explain everything.

The last time they’d sat on the swings, Jesper had confided in him about his struggle with Kaz and his da. And now? Jesper was quietly listening. He was never quiet. It made Wylan feel safe, like he could say anything and Jesper would stay right where he was.

“My parents are getting divorced,” Wylan began slowly. “They were only separated before, but he wanted to marry Alys from school. Yes I know, gross. But the thing is…”

Wylan trailed off, but Jesper was still quiet. He sucked in a breath.

“My mother… she isn’t well,” Wylan told him, unable to look. “She’s mentally ill. My father put her in a care home after the hospital she was in recommended it. She’s been living there through their shared bank accounts. But now? He’s divorcing her and she can’t pay the money to stay there.

Wylan huffed in exasperation, “He knows this! He knows this and he’s doing it on purpose! My mother can’t even afford a lawyer, they doubt she’ll get anything in court. Including me, worst of all. It’s so stupid, he’s doing all this for what? He barely likes Alys and he hates me. You know what I think it is? He wants someone else. He wants another kid, a better kid.”

“Why would he want another kid?” Jesper echoed. Wylan could hear the sadness in his voice.

“Because I- because I’m wrong!” Wylan groaned in frustration, burying his head in his hands. “He wants a smart kid. Not someone like me.”

Jesper laughed now, and Wylan stiffened. “Wylan, you’re the smartest kid I know! He’s ridiculous to-”

“You don’t understand!”

“Help me understand.”

“I can’t read!” Ripping the confession out of his locker of secrets. Wylan felt pathetic.

He had never said the disgusting words to anyone. They’d been said it him, it had been implied, but never had he spoken them. His tears prickled with shame and relief. He heard Jesper stand from the swing.

“My mum is going to be homeless because of me!” Wylan cried. “Because I can’t read!”

His body shook frailly, he couldn’t contain his despair anymore. His heart was freezing over with shame. His body was out of his control, weak and useless. Just like his mind.

Suddenly, an arm snaked around his back to pull him in. It only made him sob harder. Jesper stroked his back soothingly. Wylan had never been warmer.

His heart began to thaw, his shaking stilled, his sobs were less painful. They were liberating. Wylan had always been taught to cry silently.

As he pulled away, he wished he could’ve remained in the hug forever. He wiped his tears like wiping his disgust. 

Jesper looked up at him with his wide honest eyes, “I wish you could see yourself the way I do Wylan.”

Wylan sniffled, watching Jesper’s face, unable to look away. He really had no idea how important he was to Wylan. How much he had changed in life in the last months.

His eyes ran over him, before dipping down the smooth curve of Jesper’s mouth. He wanted to kiss him.

“I wish you saw yourself the way I do too,” Wylan muttered lowly.

Something crossed over Jesper’s face, and an odd and unfamiliar expression returned. Jesper looked enthralled by him, he looked-

Wylan looked away nervously, before immediately cursing breaking the moment. Jesper exhaled slowly and stood from his kneeling spot. What would’ve happened if Wylan hadn’t torn his eyes away? His heart was beating so fast he was sure Jesper could hear it.

“I should go home soon,” Wylan spoke up, breaking the moment even more.

“Yeah, I should too,” Jesper nodded, determined to catch Wylan’s eye.

“Thank you,” Wylan nodded awkwardly. “You’re a great friend.”

Jesper sucked in a sharp breath and chuckled. His smile was tight as he rebutted, “Yeah I try.”

Jesper waved as he left and Wylan turned away to refrain from tearing his curls out. Stupid dumb idiot! What were you doing?

He should turn around and run back. But he couldn’t, the moment was lost. His feet kept carrying him. They weren’t taking him home, however. After his talk with Jesper, he realised how much that house was poisoning him. He just needed one night away. Wylan turned left.

Striding up the driveway he began to feel guilty for not calling in advance. Making a fist, he knocked anyway. A smiling suli man opened the door.

“Oh! Wylan isn’t it?” Inej’s da said. “Inej didn’t tell me you were coming.”

Wylan rocked forward on his heels, swallowing harshly.

“Are you alright boy?” he continued leaning in. The Ghafa’s had such kind eyes.

Wylan shook his head, unable to form words. His mouth had grown heavy and sticky.

“Come on in,” her da gestured. “We’ll heat up some food for you huh? You seem hungry.”

Wylan nodded and complied. Sending one last look over his shoulder, he walked into the warm house.

Chapter Text

Chapter thirty-six: Inej

I don’t know what to do.

Inej thought utterly helpless, listening to the sound of rushing water from her bathroom. She paced her room, chewing at her nails.

Wylan was showering after having stayed the night. He had been sweating so profusely after explaining why he had run away, that they both thought it best. Now that she had been separated from him, her worries rushed back into her mind. For once, Inej had no idea what to do.

Miraculously, he still planned on attending school that day, despite his father being principal. Did he not have a gutting feeling of anxiety over going as Inej did? What would he say? Would he pull him out of class? Did he even notice Wylan missing? Based on the what Wylan had told them, possibly not. Or he simply didn’t care.

Inej had been wrestling with her guilt all night, watching him sleep most peacefully on her blow up mattress. Seeing him snuggled into the blankets, she fought the urge to cry. Did he get proper rest at his own house? It hadn’t seemed like it.

She spent the night cursing herself for not noticing. Wylan was dealing with this while Inej fixated on her situation with Kaz? Was she selfish?

A stinging feeling from her finger caused her to wince. She had bitten too close to her nail bed and now it was bleeding. Rushing over to her bedside, she grabbed a tissue and took a seat. Her self pitying thoughts weren’t helping anyone.

Closing her eyes, she reminded herself of what her mother had told her. The past was unchangeable, she could only control her actions in the future.

Opening her wardrobe, Inej finally felt accomplished over a choice she’d made. Since she had elected to wear the boys uniform instead of the girls, Wylan would be able to attend wearing her’s.

After Jesper had split gravy on her uniform, her parents had bought another backup while they frantically washed her original. Promising to pay them back, she was secretly glad that there were two available. Carefully placing them on the bed, she smoothed them out thoughtfully for Wylan.

With an astute nod, she marched downstairs to give him some privacy. Her da was brewing coffee in the kitchen.

“Meja, how did you two sleep?” He asked, extending his arms for Inej to nuzzle into his chest. She had been craving the effortless comfort he exhorted.

“Wylan slept well thankfully,” her voice muffled by his chest. Inej and her da rocked comically before he slung her away. With an eyeroll, she walked over to the toaster.

“And you?” He raised inquisitorially. Biting her tongue, Inej didn’t respond causing a deep sigh behind her.

“You cannot help anyone if you force yourself to suffer in their stead,” he warned her. “Only when yourself is cared for can you aid others.”

“Tell Nina that, not me,” Inej passively snorted, hiding her disappointment in finding they had only wholemeal bread.

“Does she know?” Her da asked, sipping on his coffee.

“I don’t think so,” Inej shrugged. “She called me last night before Wylan came. Her and Matthias officially ended it I think.”

“Didn’t they officially end it at the party?” Her da probed, with a glint of drama in his eyes.

“Saints sake, who knows,” Inej groaned, rubbing her face with an exasperated look. Her da narrowed his eyes as a stern warning. Cringing, she turned to the framed Saints and uttered a sincere apology.

The toast popped up and she pulled out two plates before gliding over to the fridge.

“What do you think Wylan would like?” Inej called out, scanning the shelves.

“You don’t have to give me breakfast,” an uncertain voice from behind her responded. Inej and her father both turned, finding Wylan standing in the doorway. He fiddled with Inej’s backup jumper, his curls almost dry already.

“Too late,” Inej chirped. “I already made two! I’ll get plum jam.”

Sliding the toast and condiments across the counter, her father reached out his hand to stop it from going over. “You can spread it yourself though,” she teased.

Wylan’s unsettled expression slid into a more comfortable one. He walked over to Inej’s side, seeming less guilty for his mere existence.

Turning her head to shoot him a smile, her eyes dropped to Wylan’s pants. A laugh bubbled in her chest. Unable to contain it, she keeled over, clutching her side in hysterics. Wylan shot her a concerned look.

“What!” Wylan asked frantically, looking at his shirt.

They were much to small for him and extremely tight on his thigh. His entire ankle was out, showcasing Inej’s patterned socks. His outfit resembled a clown.

“Inej! Stop it,” her da tutted, though he was biting his cheek too. “Your pants are just a little short is all.”

Wylan threw his hands up, completely red. Inej stifled her giggles, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, it’s just-” she cleared her throat. “I’m sorry.”

Wylan mumbled something sinister under his breath. Closing her eyes, she prayed for the strength to stop giggling. The Saints provided her compose and they fell into an easy rhythm.

Wylan fortunately seemed to like wholemeal, unlike Inej, but refused any coffee. Apparently full cream milk disrupted his stomach. But he was most eager to listen to her and her father talk about nothing. Inej left the house feeling accomplished in improving both of their moods.

They were in a reciprocal silence that Inej was deeply enjoying. She exhaled and watched the crisp air turn smoky before fading in the wind. Pulling her sleeves over her hands, she tucked them across her chest. Beside her, she could see Wylan shivering. She guessed he didn’t walk to school all that often.

Wylan huffed, frowning in thought, “That was strange.”

“What was?” Inej frowned, burrowing deeper into her blazer.

“Your family…” Wylan trailed, dragging his feet across the pavement. “You talk to them a lot… you know, like, they know a lot.”

“Of course. Don’t tell Nina I told them about Matthias though,” she quickly warned. “My da enjoys the drama with them but usually Nina likes to tell him herself. Sometimes I can’t help spoiling.”

Wylan saluted accordingly and Inej could see the tugged lines of a faint smile on his face.

Squinting, she looked to the sun poking through the usual thick clouds of the Ketterdam sky. Basking in the sudden warmth, she couldn’t help but smile to herself. Wonderful for walking. She was pleased to have a friend beside her too. The journey to her old school was crushingly lonely.

“You’re really lucky Inej,” Wylan whispered sincerely. She found he was looking to the sky as well.

Inej’s expression faltered slightly, it was so odd hearing it. Everyone in her life always told her how unfortunate she was. So much so she began believing it. But here stood a boy who had never known solidarity in his life.

She thought of his shy smile as her father joked about their family. Wylan’s delightful politeness as he thanked them for letting him stay. Her father hugging him before they left, even as Wylan stiffened in nerves. Inej was grateful. Incredibly grateful.

She closed the gap between them to swing her arm over his shoulder. “Feel free to join us for breakfast any day,” she encouraged him with a grin. “It’s much better with a special guest.”

Wylan breathily chuckled beneath her, tilting his head to rest onto hers. After a moment, she slid away to give them space again. It was fulfilling. She was rarely the instigator for affection, but she knew it was right. She couldn’t fight the next smile creeping onto her face.

“I almost kissed Jesper.”

“What!” Inej girlishly shrieked, stopping in her tracks. Wylan turned to her, biting down his glee. He was like a giddy schoolboy.

“Yeah, I saw him last night before I went to yours,” Wylan confessed. Ducking his head sheepishly, he gestured them forward. “C’mon keep moving! We’ll be late.”

Inej skipped to catch up, her mouth still gaping in shock. A laugh ripped from her throat, “What did I say?” She threw up her hands triumphantly. “What did I say!?”

“Okay, okay,” Wylan rolled his eyes. “Get it over with.”

“Told you so,” Inej knocked her hip against Wylan. They looked at each other before bursting into laughter again.

“What’s so funny?” An unapologetically loud voice that could only belong to Nina called out.

They found her immediately, leaning against the corner shop with a mischievous smile. Her eager eyes danced between the two. Inej had to admit, she looked a lot better than she had. Her signature glint had returned. Inej charged through Wylan’s failed grasp at her arm.

“You’ll never guess what Wylan just told me!”

“Are you nervous?” Picking at her pants, Inej found herself instigating. She was sitting cross legged in Kaz’s car, waiting for usual late Jesper.

The Dregs had their first home game that week and the energy was buzzing throughout the halls. Inej hadn’t remembered the last time she’d gone into a classroom and hadn’t heard someone mention it.

Excitingly, people began to ask her questions. It pleased her beyond words. Especially when they asked her what Kaz’s ‘game plan’ was. Not because she knew, but because they thought she did. Though, she’d die before letting know Kaz is was making her feel special.

Kaz merely shrugged, “What for? We’re getting better each training.”

He was flipping a coin skilfully in his hands. Inej tried not to be mesmerised. Every time she was caught watching, he’d send her a smug look.

“Mhm,” Inej hummed, examining the turf maintenance on the rugby field. “But this game is on our own grounds, and everyone wants to go.”

“Well I guess you’re lucky then, to have front row seats.”

“Yes, I’m flattered to be chosen as a water boy,” Inej said satirically, though she truly was. “Naturally, of course, I was your first fan.”

“Naturally,” Kaz affirmed, flicking the coin into the cup holder beside them. He looked sideways, with that usual self-congratulatory smirk as he caught Inej’s eye. Damn, she had been caught again.

“People are talking about getting face paint and banners like professional games,” Inej continued instead, rested her head on the seat casually. “It’s a massive deal Kaz.”

“Well if we lose it’s embarrassing for them,” Kaz responded, still looking at her. “Spending all that money on the wrong team.”

“I don’t think you’ll lose,” Inej told him honestly. “I believe you guys will win again. They’ve improved so much, trust me. Almost abnormally good. You’re an incredible coach I suppose.”

When Kaz didn’t respond, Inej suddenly felt embarrassed telling him that. She wasn’t well versed in all things rugby. Based off what she’d personally seen, he really had turned the team around. Usually, she’d refrain from feeding his ego, but this was too much of a feat to ignore.

Frankly, she was glad he had a hobby too. That he wasn’t letting himself be absorbed by Pekka Rollins and Bajan. Each time she remembered what he had confessed, her heart tore in her chest a little.

His silence was intriguing her, so she looked over. He wasn’t wearing his usual mask of self-satisfaction. His dark eyes were analysing her curiously. They were trailing over her making her face heat. It wasn’t suggestive but oddly intimate. Was he looking for holes? Did he think she was lying?

“What? You are!” Inej smiled nervously. “Don’t you believe me?”

Why was he looking at her like that? Blinking, Kaz’s expression went from refined concentration to aloofness.

He sighed deeply and turned as if nothing had happened. “Believe me… I know,” he shrugged cockily.

“Ruined it,” she quipped with an eyeroll. “I take it back.”

Kaz ran his tongue across his lips with a withheld smirk. Inej wanted to scowl or never look away. He made her annoyingly temperamental.

The opening of the backseat door saved her from making the choice. Jesper shouted a goodbye to a bustling group and swung his bag aggressively inside. He climbed in with a smile and ruffled Inej’s hair. She swatted him away with a groan.

“Took you long enough,” Kaz sighed as he started the car. “It’s getting later and later.”

Jesper spread himself across the backseat, somehow taking up all of it. “Time organisation is not a Jesper talent,” he winked. “Thought i’d give you two some time to catch up.”

His suggestive comment was cheap, but she had something up her sleeve now.

“So, how was it with Wylan yesterday?” Inej drawled, hearing Jesper lean closer in interest. Inej caught eyes with Kaz and bit down a smile. His smugness was rubbing off on her.

“Huh- what do you-” Jesper sputtered before tugging her sleeve like a child. “Er- what did he uhm… tell you?”

Inej barked out a laugh and grinned victoriously. Jesper gasped and shoved her slightly with a irritated look on his face.

“Well done,” Kaz announced. “Getting under Jesper’s skin is notoriously difficult. Few have accomplished it.”

“Thank you,” Inej fake bowed. “I’d like a medal”

“Oh, just outside the car,” Jesper countered. “I think you should jump out and get it.”

Inej burst into a fit of laughter again. “Poor Jesper,” she mocked. “You’re making it too easy.”

“You’ve gotten meaner since befriending Kaz,” Jesper pouted.

She sunk further into her seat comfortably, listening to Jesper and Kaz bicker over which station to choose. Pulling her phone out, she realised a email had been sent to her. Thinking it was about the banner making project tomorrow, she opened it.

“Kaz?” Inej continued to read the email. “Could we stop by my ballet studio actually? I must’ve forgotten something.”

He didn’t respond, but she saw him take a right. It wasn’t long until they reached a singular functioning building crowded by abandoned ones. Unbuckling her seatbelt, she made a swift exit, “Only a minute!”

She jogged up the staircase and into the studio. A waft of a familiar industrial smell entered her nostrils and she sighed contently. Entering through the automatic doors, she marched over to the front desk.

“Hello?” She called out, watching her instructor beside the printer. She turned and smiled.

“Ah, Inej,” making her way over, she grabbed a document resting on the cabinet. “That was very quick.”

“I was close by,” Inej explained, looking curiously at her. “So… why am I needed?”

“Usually, we don’t discuss finances with young students. However, your parents are hard to reach,” she tilted her head perfectly sideways. Her instructor was always pleasing to look at, her bun ever so slick, her cheekbones impossibly sharp and her eyes resembled that of a cat. She was blunt but fair, exactly what Inej appreciated in a person. “Your payment warnings haven’t been issued, our apologises.”

Inej’s face stuttered in surprise, “Payments? I pay them at the start of the year, don’t I?”

“Yes, usually,” she frowned. “Not this year, though.”

She extended out the document and Inej grabbed it frantically. Reading over it, her frown deepened. $6,000 kruge charge for Inej’s lesson’s and costume for her solo in the performance. Her throat tightened.

“We have been patient…” her instructor put gently. “However, this payment needs to be made before the end of year performance, otherwise we cannot let you participate.”

Inej looked up in horror. Why hadn’t her parents paid? Scrambling through her mind, she attempted to piece together what she had been told. They hadn’t given her any indication there was a problem with the money. The only difference this year was Inej attended Ketterdam College. Did her ballet fees compensate for private school?

“What happens if I don’t have the money in time?” Inej could barely look her in the eye.

There was a big sigh, “Well, I hope that isn’t the case. But we will have to remove you from the show. Your solo will go to your understudy.”

“Dunyasha?” Inej grimaced in disgust. She couldn’t let her have it.

Dunyasha was her lasting remaining tormentor from Heleens school that could still reach her in this new life. She could reach her in every corner of the company it seemed. The reason people didn’t want to partner with her, why people avoided warming up with her. But at least Inej could dance. It was the only battle she had won against that demon.

“I’m sorry Inej,” her instructor sounded sincere. “My only advice is make it as soon as possible. It would be a great disappointment to not have you on that stage.”

Inej couldn’t muster a response. Her devastation spoke for her. She stood staring at the page as if the number would magically change to zero. Why hadn’t her parents told her? And where was she going to get this money?

“We’ve sent you an online copy too darling.”

Folding the document of despair, she made her way outside. Kaz had parked across the street.

“Shame,” a slick voice beside her quirked.

“Save it,” Inej sighed irritably. She wasn’t in the mood for confrontation. But scaling down the staircase, she felt the redhaired nightmare follow.

“Is that little private school draining your account?” Dunyasha continued. “You could always come back to Heleen’s…”

Inej attempted to cross the street, unable to shake her. Her eyes found the curious ones of Jesper and Kaz. “Go away.”

“You can’t avoid it,” Dunyasha wouldn’t stop. “Like everything else.”

“Can you just fuck off?!” Inej shouted furiously, spinning around like a crazy person. Dunyasha stepped back with a mildly amused expression. “Even if you get my solo it’s not your talent that got you up there!”

“Is there a problem?” A cool, sagacious Kaz asked from his car door. This fuelled Dunyasha’s satisfaction.

“Ha! Not a year has passed and you’ve weaselled your way into a rich boys pocket?” She tutted mockingly. “Maybe you can get him to spend some kruge on your tutu.”

Inej felt her frustration and helplessness squeeze her hands into a fist. Her emotions tightly woven within squeezed at her patience. Dunyasha’s face that once terrorised her now made her ill with anger. In a brief moment of maturity, she turned toward the car. Kaz’s head followed her movement, but she didn’t return the look.

“I’ll perform well for them,” Dunyasha said finally, tying her coat tightly. “Don’t you worry.”

Jesper’s passenger window rolled down and he rested his arm on the sill as he flipped her off. Inej ducked her head lower and entered Kaz’s car quickly.

“Who was that?” Someone asked. Inej couldn’t hear well enough to know who. Her ears rung.

“Could you please take me home?” She muttered pathetically. The car fell more silent than before, but she heard Kaz agree.

The once vibrant car had been tainted grey by Inej’s storm cloud. How easy it was to fall from the top. Dunyasha always seemed to manage pushing her over.

They made it to her house. Pulling her lips into a tight smile, she bid them farewell. Her bed was the only place she wished to be.

“See you tomorrow?” Jesper called from the window. She only managed a thumbs up.

Kaz’s car only drove off after she had shut her door. Kicking off her shoes, she rolled her ankles around. The house was almost silent. Her uncle was the only one home she believed. But he was sleeping before his night shift.

Taking her blazer off, she hung it up on the coat hanger. Patting the pockets down, her heart plummeted. She had left the document in the car. In Kaz’s car.

Her face heated in humiliation. Clutching her hair into balls, she rested her head against the wall in defeat.

She needed a job.

Chapter Text

Chapter thirty-seven: Nina

She looks paler.

Nina noted, scanning Inej once more as she fell behind. There was something more urgent about each of Inej’s movements, quicker, more precise. She got this way when she was anxious. Which used to be frequent, but it dwindled as she moved from Heleens. When she got away from her tormentors.

Which is why this sent alarms off. Did she have an encounter with them? From her few examinations of Inej’s appearance, the lighter tint to her skin was the only outstanding change. Was she punched in the ribs maybe? Would it be weird for Nina to demand to see her stomach?

“We still need a second one,” Nina tuned into Inej’s speaking. A surge of regret overcame her concerns. She hadn’t heard one bit of her rant.

“Mhm,” Nina nodded animatedly, hoping her enthusiasm distracted her. It proved to have the opposite effect.

“You weren’t listening,” Inej sighed, turning towards her locker. Nina scoffed affronted.

“I always listen,” Nina concluded, leaning against the wall.

“No,” Inej disagreed. “I always listen, you always participate. And you weren’t participating so I know you haven’t heard a word I’ve said.”

Nina’s eyes found the floor, narrowed in concentration for a response. Damn, she was good. “Screw you and your observations,” Nina frowned irritated. Inej smiled at the supposed compliment and turned over her lock.

“I know you had mentioned being the water…” Nina tried to put the pieces of the scattered words Inej had said together. “Oh! You need a second water boy! That’s it, isn’t it?”

She split into a celebratory grin before her theory was even confirmed. The suspense was killing her, causing Nina to see what the holdup was.

Inej was leaning deeply into her locker, with a printed paper in her hand. Her brows were furrowed in calculation and if it was possible, she was dimmer than before. Nina squinted, though the writing was too small to be visible. Clearly, it caused her some distress.

Bouncing her hip off the wall, she spun behind Inej, to read over her shoulder. But before she could set her sight on it, Inej flinched and folded the paper at record speed. Nina frowned.

“What was that?” Nina asked suspiciously.

“Nothing,” Inej shrugged. “Notes for history.”

“Is it nothing, or notes for history?” Nina continued, gaining more unease.

“Does it matter?”

“It matters that you jumped like a deer when I tried to read it.”

“You’re overthinking Nina,” Inej shook her head. “Really, it’s nothing important.”

Nina didn’t appreciate the gaslighting but stopped pressing her. She just wasn’t ready to share. If she went any paler though, Nina might have to take her to the infirmary.

Sighing deeply, she returned to her leaning position against the wall. The students swarmed past in overwhelming waves. Nina tapped her foot, unsure of what to talk about. The suspicious hidden paper had further ruined her mood and heightened her concern. She must look like a brooding Matthias. Gross, don’t compare yourself to that, she amended.

Though her resentfulness toward Matthias had significantly lessened after the hidden intentions behind it had been dealt with, she was still bitter. They hadn’t spoken since Nina apologised and cried in front of him before running away.

Honestly, it was for the best. The memory always remerged when she was trying to sleep at night, causing a painful cringe that constricted her chest. Multiple times she had considered suffocating herself with a pillow at the recollection of it.

And maybe… she might’ve expected he’d try to run into her again and apologise too. Though she never found the broad Fjerdan in her pathway.

“Are you okay?” Inej dragged her from her thoughts. Always more consuming when her thoughts were concerning Matthias.

Nina plastered a smile, “Yes, lovely. Now… I want to talk about banners.”

Inej slammed her locker with an eye roll, “Why am I suddenly The Dreg's personal agent?”

Nina shoved her with a wink, “You know you love it.”

Inej covered her face with her hands, “Saints I do.”

Nina laughed heartedly, before informing her about The Dregs decorating occurring during lunchtime in the arts department. Inej, of course, knew about this. She was co-hosting it.

Apparently, people had been approaching her so frequently about ideas, eventually Inej organised this segregated time so she could actually focus on her studies in class. With the help of social butterfly Jesper. Inej ran the logistics whilst Jesper gathered numbers and ideas. Yesterday, Inej had gone to the Fahey house to prepare.

“So, what did Jesper say about sizing?” Nina prompted. Not that she cared, but she felt a twinge of envy that she was less involved.

Inej’s eyes found the floor, “Uhm… I’m not sure.”

“What he didn’t tell you?”

“I didn’t end up going to their house,” Inej cringed, looking sheepishly over.

Nina needed a tally for concerning things about Inej that morning. “Well, shit.”

“It’s okay,” she reassured. “I have homeroom with him remember?”

Nodding absentmindedly, Nina bit her lip worriedly. Eventually, the first bell rang and they departed. Nina hated homeroom, she wasn’t as lucky to get close friends in her class. Or at least her remaining ones. Though Madeline was courteous enough to still speak with her, and Leoni was always pleasant.

Contemplating her actions for the day, she entered the homeroom class earlier than she’d ever been. Silent or confrontational? Inej couldn’t keep her thoughts to herself forever. Nina was almost hurt she momentarily had. She naively believed they were past that.

“Nina?” Leoni snapped her from her thoughts. Nina blinked and looked up, Madeline and Leoni stood over her. She bit her cheek and smiled.

“Hey,” Nina forced. They took their seats around her.

“Excited for the decorating?” Leoni gushed, sharing a grin with Madeline.

“Seems most people are,” Nina chuckled, rapping her fingers against the table.

“Is Inej excited?” Madeline asked. “Either that or stressed. I wouldn’t blame her.”

“Well, I-” Nina struggled to respond. She hadn’t expected this question, the girls usually didn’t talk about Inej. It seemed Kaz’s apparent intense association had guarded her from their direct confrontation. She always believed it was a guilt thing too, seeing as they spoke so horribly behind her back.

“She arrived so early this morning,” Madeline pointed out. Leoni and Madeline shared a look. “She seemed ill, holding her stomach and all.”

“It was just nerves,” Leoni frowned as benevolent as ever.

Nina fought the urge to roll her eyes. What was Madeline trying to get out of her? Another part of her twisted in recognition. She wasn’t the only one who noticed.

“Yeah, she said she was nervous,” Nina answered honestly. “I think she’s okay.”

Leoni breathed a sigh of relief and Madeline nodded contently. She dropped the topic of her friends and began speaking about the ideas they had. Nina didn’t participate. She watched as Adrik arrived, kissing Leoni’s head and sitting down too. Her eyes found the window, watching Van Eck with several other office attendants examining the oval.

“Matthias out there?” Adrik asked. Nina rolled her eyes.

“He’s a student before a Captain,” Nina reminded.

“I just assumed,” Adrik countered, his eyes dancing. “You seemed extra intrigued.”

“Alright, save it,” Nina scoffed, witnessing Leoni gasp and fortunately slap Adrik’s arm.

Adrik shrugged, “At least you don’t seem to need my help anymore.”

Nina glowered. “Nope,” she replied confidently.

“I’m really sorry, Nina,” Madeline joined in. “Saints knows how long you-”

“Okay!” Nina stopped her. “I think we shouldn’t focus on my failure.”

“Honestly not surprised his father wouldn’t let him date,” Leoni perked up, trying to soften their directness. “He’s really strict.”

Nina raised a brow but bit her tongue. If Matthias heard she was speaking of his father behind his back…

“Yeah, remember when he’d come and watch The Dregs train,” Madeline shuddered. Nina looked to the floor, she didn’t like the direction this was headed.

“My sister used to teach primary kids,” Adrik said. “She had Matthias’s little sister in her class once. She’d always say how her mother was so timid, not knowing how to have conversations and stuff. And the father had apparently yelled at some of the teachers.”

“Eugh, It’s like the 1950’s,” Madeline cringed. “Did you ever meet his family, Nina?”

“Well… no I-” Nina frowned, Matthias never talked about his family. “Madeline you used to have a brother in the Druskelle right?”

Madeline nodded. Nina bit her lip, unsure if she should ask. They’d spoken without her prompting them, saying pretty concerning things. Nina had an anxious feeling about it.

“Did he ever…” Nina hesitated. “Tell you about the team?”

Madeline blew out a low breath. “I mean… he’d usually not talk about it. I was only told it was a really toxic environment,” she shrugged, before biting her lip. “Actually… I feel like he mentioned the coach, Brum or something. He’d get really hyper-fixated on players until their performance dropped in the slightest and he’d switch up. My brother was one of them until this younger guy came along. I feel like it might’ve been Matthias. It was a while ago though.”

Nina nodded, she’d known Brum. She watched enough of Matthias’s games to see him once or twice. Always right on the side-lines, dissecting rather than coaching.

“Are you alright Nina?” Leoni asked. “Sorry for bringing him up.”

Nina forced on a smile, “No! No, It’s fine. Let’s talk about something else.”

But her mind betrayed her. The concern had nested in her brain. It was becoming unbearable. She’d known that his father was overbearing and his coach overinvolved. But how toxic was the club? Why did she care? She couldn’t save him if she wanted to, they didn’t associate anymore.

But was the club the real reason why?

The name was a constant in her mind now. Brum. Jarl, she believed was his first name. He was known to make winners. At least three from Ketterdam alone. But how far did he push them to succeed? To their limits? Had Matthias reached his? Nina tapped her fingers more rapidly against the wood.

The bell went and her movements were slow and sluggish. She didn’t realise it was possible to burn out this quickly at school. Usually, it took at least a proper lesson. It was hard to remain optimistic surrounded by self-destructing people. She couldn’t complain, Nina fit that category too.

She reached her locker by the time the second bell rang. Already late for her first class. Not even this prospect quickened her pace. She needed caffeine.

Her first class was in a transportable just beside the gym. It was a significant walk too. She decided to take the shortcut Kaz had shown her once. Though, a familiar voice stopped her at the entrance.

“You didn’t read it, did you?” A quick, uncertain voice asked. Realising instantly it was Inej as she sighed, “You did.”

“I didn’t know what it was until I opened it,” Kaz stated, less concerned with concealing his voice. “So, yeah. I read it.”

“That’s an invasion of my privacy Kaz!” Inej sounded incredibly frustrated. Nina noticed a hint of sadness too. “You know what that means to me.”

“Like I said,” Kaz annunciated slowly, building frustration too. “I didn’t know what it was until I read it.”

Inej released a grunt of exasperation. Someone was pacing, but they were both silent. Nina hesitated, unsure of whether to listen. On one hand, this was the answer to all of Nina’s questions. On the other, Inej was preaching about her privacy while Nina was actively invading it.

“I can get you the money,” Kaz broke the quiet surprisingly. Nina had never known someone who could stubbornly hold silence as well as him. “I still haven’t paid you for your help.”

“I told you ages ago,” Inej sighed. “I don’t want money for helping. I’d rather earn a living in a more…”

“Legal way?”

“Ethical,” Inej said instead. Nina could hear her frown. What was Kaz having her do? Had she misread their relationship?

“You’re not going to earn $6,000 in a minimum wage job before the performance,” Kaz told her frankly. Nina covered her mouth.

“Well… I’ll sell some things…” Inej added. “Anyway this doesn’t concern you.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Kaz agreed with a voice smooth as honey. “But I know about it. And I’m not the only one.”

Nina’s heart froze in her chest. For a brief moment, she was sure she’d need resuscitation.

“Nina doesn’t share your eavesdropping skills,” Kaz said almost humorously. She prayed to wake up from simply dozing in class.

“Nina?” Inej confirmed incredulously. Nina rolled around the corner into sight, guiltily. Inej’s defeat was clear as she covered her face, leaning against the wall.

“Inej, I’m so sorry,” Nina rushed forward insistently. “I didn’t mean to- I didn’t hear all that much… Really this wasn’t on purpose.”

“What did you hear then?” Inej asked coldly. Nina shivered.

“Well…” Nina looked over at equally cold Kaz. “$6,000 kruge? Illegal?”

“Saints,” Inej groaned.

“Look, I’m the last person to judge you for doing what you need for money,” Nina added quickly, Inej looked mortified. “But I know you don’t want to do that. And I’ll help you. Whatever that money is for… I can offer you-”

“No, no, Nina stop,” Inej held up her hand, silencing her. “This doesn’t involve you. And the illegal thing…”

She trailed off biting her lip, shooting a look over at Kaz before speaking again, “It’s not involved at all.”

Nina shot a gruelling look at Kaz, “Did he pressure you-”

“Nina,” Inej snapped furiously, Nina felt her words like a slap. “Stay. Out.”

“No,” Nina crossed her arms indignantly. “No, you don’t get to do that. You’re clearly in trouble Inej, and I’m sorry for the way I found out, but I’m not sorry for trying to help. No, not just trying, I will help. Because that’s what fucking friendship is. You’d do it for me, I’d do it for you. Don’t try to act like you haven’t been in the same position as me now…” Nina staggered for a moment. “With my ma.”

Inej’s eyes flickered slightly.

“I didn’t want help, but I’m glad I took it,” Nina concluded. “Now it’s time I return the helping hand.”

“Maybe she doesn’t want your help, Nina,” Kaz interrupted annoyingly behind her. Nina whipped her head around.

“If she doesn’t want mine then she certainly won't want yours,” Nina spat. “I’ve known her longer-”

“Time has nothing to do with this,” Kaz outright laughed in her face, his stubbornness clear. “There are some things you can’t help with.”

“Like illegal things?” Nina scoffed. “I’ve been illegal.”

Kaz raised a quizzical eyebrow, clearly not believing her, “Have you now?”

“Maybe not as frequently as you,” Nina frowned at his disbelief. “But I’ve stolen some things.”

“Like what?” Kaz mocked. “Gum?”

“You little-”

“Hey!” Inej interjected, placing herself in between them. “This isn’t about an argument between you two. It’s about both of you violating my privacy and refusing to leave it.”

Kaz and Nina mutually fell quiet. Nina displayed her guilt more openly than her current opponent. Oddly though, she was certain he felt some semblance of it. How much was he changing since Inej had shown up? Maybe she hadn’t misread their situation.

“If you must know,” Inej sighed resignedly to Nina. “The $6,000 kruge is my ballet payments due before my performance. My parents spent the savings to get me into school. They applied for a loan, but clearly aren’t getting one. Happy?”

“Inej, I’m so sor-”

“Save it, pity doesn’t pay fees,” Inej cut her off swiftly. “And I’m not getting paid for illegal things. So stop with that weird argument. I’m getting it the proper way. A job. Stop rolling your eyes, Kaz.”

“Your parents didn’t want you to get a job,” Nina reminded her earnestly.

“I’m not telling them,” Inej sighed. “They didn’t tell me about the missed payment, so it’s only fair.”

Finally, it was all out there. Nina wasn’t relieved, she was gutted. Inej’s money problems seemed like a permanent cycle, always making its way back. A problem that seemed unfixable by Nina herself. As much as she disliked it.

“I can start bringing you lunch again,” Nina murmured unhelpfully.

Slowly, Inej split into a grin. “I should be more mad at you,” she sighed.

Nina shrugged.

“If it’s any consolation,” Nina said. “I was upset you didn’t come to me about this, but your speech just inspired me.”

Inej scoffed, “Weirdo.”

“If it’s any more consolation,” Kaz spoke up. “I can get you a job.”

They both looked over at calm as-ever Kaz. “Really?” Inej sounded hesitantly hopeful.

“Ever heard of the Crow Club?” He asked them, turning away, forcing them to follow him.

“Best waffles ever?” Nina confirmed. “Okay coffee?”

“Well… Anika owes me a favour.”

Kaz and his favours.

Chapter Text

Chapter thirty-eight: Jesper

Friend? Friend!

Jesper was an irritable mess. He had never been so confused in his life. Did Wylan like him? Or didn’t he? He was either staring at Jesper’s lips or calling him a friend.

Usually, Jesper excelled in the romance department. Or at least in the beginning stages of a relationship. But he seemed to have crashed and burned before this one even started.

Homeroom was dull, math class was torturous and banner making was upsetting. He found himself staring at the empty seat that Wylan would be taking if he weren’t absent. Sometimes it was as if he was mourning him, except he was phone call away.

Well, not really. He only seemed to be answering Inej. How was that fair!? Jesper cared just as much about his situation. Why did Wylan not feel comfortable staying at Jesper’s house?

He was so frustrated, in fact, that he texted Wylan on her phone. Now, stuck in design and technology with lovesick and heartbroken Matthias, his dreams of connection faded into mist.

The piercing sound of screeching metal in front of him snapped him from his thoughts. Jesper realised that he had sawed too deeply into his plank of wood and had begun to cut into the mallet on the table too.

What was he doing?

“Jesper, really?” Lanstov kissed his teeth. “That’s the fifth time you’ve done that today.”

Jesper mumbled something, leaning his chin on his hand sadly. Nikolai frowned, scanning him up and down before turning to Matthias. “Should I ask or…?”

“Djel, please don’t,” Matthias begged. Nikolai clicked his tongue and nodding to himself, he quickly turned away.

Jesper ran his fingers across the brand-new scar that had been indented into the hammer. David was going to lose his mind, he was very particular about his equipment. Even though it was technically still school property.

“Jesper, you know this is due next week?” Matthias finally said, pulling his glasses up and resting them on his head. Jesper shrugged uselessly. “What have you done?”

Jesper pointed over to a half-crafted box with nails sticking out of the edges and poorly placed glue stains dripping from the gaps.

Matthias grimaced, “What even is that?”

“Jewellery box.”

“It’s the size of a shelf.”

“A big jewellery box.”

Matthias sighed deeply and began to peel his safety gloves off. Walking over to Jesper he took his ruined piece of scrap wood and placed it in the bin.

“Jesper, you realise that if you don’t start taking it seriously,” Matthias warned. “You’re going to fail. And you’re going to keep failing. Van Eck is overjoyed about our Rugby wins, but he won’t keep giving you a pass.”

Jesper only shrugged and shook his head, disregarding his words. Matthias turned, disgruntled and left him again.

He knew this was true. Jesper hadn’t taken anything seriously for most of his high school career.

In the beginning, his schooling was fine, excellent even. Jesper was naturally smart, he just wasn’t dedicated and rarely bothered to apply himself. But as time progressed, the work required more study and Jesper buckled.

The detention room had become a constant, starting from late assignments to behavioural disruptions. Jesper became listed as a known troublemaker, setting the tone for the rest of his schooling.

He liked to joke that all the teachers adored him, but he knew the truth. They were sceptical every time they recognised his name on the roll.

But he found it so hard to concentrate. Design and technology was the only thing that kept him interested. At least he could break things. However, it seemed to be melding into yet another pointless class for him. And not just because he was upset about Wylan’s absence.

What was he doing, really?

It was an real issue, at some point he needed to get his life together. But his brain could never stick to the problem long enough for him to take action. The only thing that he enjoyed at school right now was… well rugby.

“You know,” Matthias uttered, and Jesper snapped his eyes up. “Careers counselling sessions are being held soon. You should take the opportunity.”

Rolling his eyes was a instinctive reaction, he flicked his helmet back over his face. As he began to restart his jewellery box, his mind faltered. Recalling the intervention with his father a while ago, about his gambling and the money he had lost. The yearning feeling of wanting to make his da proud and being sure there was only one way to do it. Rugby.

A light bulb flickered in his brain. He dropped his saw and it clattered to the ground.

“Jesper!” Lanstov groaned, looked up from his laptop unimpressed. “You’re gonna chop your foot off!”

Paying him no mind, he realised what had been lacking. A purpose. A direction. It was why he had been relying on the validation and guidance of all those around him. But he had an idea, a perfect one. An aspirational one for sure, but still.

“Matthias has your club season started?” Jesper inquired casually, Matthias paused his drawing.

“Yes, club starts much earlier than school seasons,” Matthias informed him. “Finish later too.”

“Would your club, you know…” Jesper shrugged. “Still be recruiting?”

Matthias paused and laughed loudly, “Ha! Jesper, we both know you aren’t dedicated enough for the club.”

Jesper scoffed affronted, “Excuse me, I happen to be very passionate about rugby and maybe… maybe I see a future in it!”

Matthias didn’t even try to hold in his laughter and began clutching his side, wiping his eyes. “Thank you, Jesper,” Matthias chuckled. “You’re always funny when I need it.”

“Perhaps I should be a comedian instead of a player then,” Jesper muttered to himself resentfully.

Everyone was so concerned about his carelessness until he decided to actually take action. Then all he got was laughter at him. Sure, it was a bit late to be thinking of a rugby career, especially since he didn’t belong to a team. But it was something.  

Rugby gave him the drive and adrenaline Jesper needed to stay focused. It was better than rotting in his room, trading cards.

“I’m sorry- sorry, that was mean,” Matthias sighed, clearing his throat. “Look, it’s just a little bit late. You’re great in school games sure, but the club, especially the level I assume you’re aiming for, takes more than just an offhanded decision. It requires planning and intense training. Meal plans and constant dedication. You can’t just say you want to be a professional, it's about passion and drive.”

“I can have passion and drive,” Jesper told him. “And I’m willing to work for it. Come on, tell me your routine.”

Matthias sighed and rubbed his face. “Well, let's see…” he tapped his fingers. “Monday with speed and agility drills followed by a lower-body power session at the gym and 30 minutes of foam-rolling. Tuesday, tackle and contact work, upper-body strength, then an ice bath with mobility routines-”

“Okay, okay, hang on,” Jesper held up his hand to stop him. It was too much information to memorise.

“I told you,” Matthias tutted. “It’s a lot of work and-”

“I’m willing to do it!” Jesper exclaimed, fussing around the table. “I just need a pen and paper.”

Matthias's eyebrows raised in surprise. Jesper finally found a vague drawing of a poor design. The corner of the paper was labelled Matthias Helvar. He flipped it around, scribbling and gestured Matthias to continue, “Go on.”

Matthias took a large breath before starting again, “Monday, speed and agility oriented.”

Jesper tapped his pen across the piece of paper as he reread over his notes. Matthias had given him his entire weekly routine with a meal plan on the side. It was incredible.

Jesper hadn’t realised how much time and effort Matthias dedicated into the sport, no wonder he was frustrated by the laziness of his teammates on The Dregs.

He put into consideration that it was also the routine of a beast, trained since birth and Jesper would probably have to gradually work into it. But Jesper’s goal was to be club-ready by next year’s drafting.

It would take work and the thought of it would normally drain Jesper, but a strange new side of him was excited. Something to work towards.

“What’s that?” Inej poked his shoulder. Jesper realised that Kaz and Inej had paused in speaking with each other.

“My new routine,” he smiled proudly, handing her the paper. He watched as her eyes scanned the page and she narrowed her eyes up at him.

“You realise it says that tomorrow you’re waking up at 5:00 am and hitting the gym right?” Inej asked. Jesper cringed slightly but nodded, snatching it away.

“I do,” he shrugged. “It will take some getting used to, but-”

“I give you a week.”

“Shut up, Kaz.”

“I had to drag you out of bed today and it was 7:15,” Kaz reminded him, scoffing. Jesper did remember this.

“Well, it’s different,” Jesper told them. “I’ll be awake with a purpose.”

“Do you even have a gym membership?” Inej asked him.

“No, but Matthias said he’d invite me as a guest until I get one.”

“Ha! You’re training with Matthias?” Kaz shook his head mockingly. “I change my answer, I give you an hour.”

Inej snorted. Jesper shot her a look so she smoothed her face. Placing a hand on his arm, she smiled encouragingly, “I think it’s great you’re working towards something.”

“Thank you Inej,” Jesper responded, shooting Kaz a dirty look. “Nice to see someone excited for me.”

“Oh, I’m excited,” Kaz reassured him. “Just not for the same reason.”

“You’re horrible,” Inej shook her head, but her voice was amused. It was unfair to be around the two now, they could target him together so much easier. A losing battle.

“Are you coming back to ours?” Jesper asked Inej. Blowing out a low breath, she looked up sheepishly.

“Actually…” she cringed. “I’m meeting Wylan…”

“What!” Jesper cried, pausing on the sidewalk. “Wha- how did you? I thought he was-”

“Sick, yeah…” Inej scratched her head. “He told me to tell everyone it was the case, but he was actually practising for his concert next week.”

“Next we-” Jesper let his hands rest on his head. “Hang on, why did he lie?”

“I don’t think he really wants people to see him performing,” Inej admitted. “Nothing personal of course.”

“But he already told me, kind of. Just not when exactly…” Jesper was bewildered. Why was Wylan ashamed? Had Jesper done something to make him feel that way? Was that why he was only a ‘good friend?’

“Wait, are you meeting him now?”

“He finished practice, we’re meeting at a cafe to hang out,” Inej shrugged. Jesper felt a surge of envy.

“Which one?”

“I don’t think-”

“Little Ravka?”

Inej was silent.

“Right!” Jesper forced a grin onto his face. “Let's get going.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m going to berate him about not letting us go,” Jesper quipped. “Then buy all of our tickets in front of him.”

“Enjoyably cruel, sadly I can’t go,” Kaz stopped them in their tracks. “I have,” his eyes flickered to Inej, “Other business.”

Something passed between them that would usually make Jesper feel left out, but he had recently come to terms with it. More specifically with the help of Wylan. 

“Bajan?” he asked. Kaz nodded. He blew out a breath and nodded understandingly. “Right well, good luck?”

Kaz frowned, sending a weird look over. Jesper grimaced, “Yeah, those aren’t the right words.”

Kaz nodded to Inej, before he brushed past them. Jesper swore he saw their arms graze slightly, he wondered what was really going on. He wondered if Kaz would ever tell him.

But it didn’t matter. Jesper was done waiting. He had been so invested and hurt by Kaz’s exclusion because he had nothing else going for him. Jesper was stuck in the past of his old mistakes bound to repeat them if Kaz got his money back. But now? Jesper had something. Well, the start of things. He had hope.

“So…” Jesper turned back to Inej. “Do we have to walk?”

She broke into a concerningly happy grin and grabbed his arm, “Come on, pre-work out training!”

He groaned in response.

Chapter Text

Chapter thirty-nine: Matthias

Stay in the game Matthias.

He shook his head as the sweat droplets clinging to the ending strands of his hair fell. He rested, hands on his knees, as the players broke a part, resetting in their positions.

Ducking his head downward, he allowed a drop of sweat fall from his nose to the floor. Squeezing his eyes until he saw red spots, the whistle blew.

I’m sorry Matthias. Fake Nina echoed in his ear, making him twitch.

He burst toward the ruck.

For everything.

Using his broad shoulder, he bumped his opposition harshly, skifully regaining his footing.

I’m really sorry.

He faltered. In one mistaken hitch of his breath, he was taken to the floor and piled on top of. The weight on his chest was unbearable, but it wasn’t because of the heavy rugby players pressing down. He shut his eyes again, a familiar pair stared back at him. The whistle blew.

The weight loosened on his chest but his heart kept him down. Twisting onto his knees, he hoisted himself up back onto his feet. A hand grazed his back, Jesper was nodding enthused with a grin.

This game was different than their previous ones. More people had slowly begun to show up whenever they played, but never like this. After they had won their first game weeks ago, the entire attitude toward them had changed. It was their first home game of the season, everyone wanted to be there.

The Dregs were playing against the Dime Lions, who had won last season with little opposition. Their schools were frequently pitted against each other, forming a rivalry that otherwise wouldn’t be there. In most areas except sport, Ketterdam triumphed. This game mattered.

A muffled yelling behind Matthias, caused a spike in his blood pressure. There was something intimidating about a crowd full of his peers. With his club games, irrelevant people from all around watched.

Matthias performed well under pressure and eased under the prying eyes of the audience. But now the cheering and shouting sent anxious shivers down Matthias’s spine. It was different. It was so important.

He knew all his teammates felt the same way. The strain of determination and fear across all their faces was a clear indication. He felt it in the buzzing tension of the changing room. Even Kaz’s usual pregame speech was notably more tense. Matthias ought to be relishing in the passion that rugby had yet again brought back into his life. If it weren’t for one thing.

I’m sorry Matthias.

“Matthias! Wider, wider!” Kaz’s demanding voice vibrated into his ears.

Matthias wiped his face and began jogging backwards to ease the congestion.

“Specht! Watch the offside!” Kaz’s voice called out again.

For everything. I’m sorry.

Matthias shook his head. “Stop,” he muttered desperately. Beside him, he heard a scoff.

“Fucking weirdo,” said one of the players from the Dime Lions.

“Did you just say that to the captain?” An angry Jesper spat back. Matthias kept his eyes on the umpire. “Want to keep your fucking mouth shut?”

“Or what ya poor prick?” The irritating voice wouldn’t stop. “Your whole teams dead weight.”

“Why don’t you look at the score board smartass,” Pim joined, merging into view. “We aren’t the one’s losing.”

Matthias finally looked at the growing conflict. Jesper was squaring his shoulders proudly, as a kid with slick black hair attempted to tower over them. Suddenly, another Dime Lion player rushed up, shoving Jesper unecessarily aggressively.

“Oi, two against one ain’t fair huh,” he laughed humourlessly. Matthias heard the whistle blow and a disrupted murmur ripple through the crowd. Analysing Jesper, Matthias prayed that he’d just let it go.

For once don’t be impulsive Jesper.

As the guy turned to his side, Jesper walked swiftly past him knocking him back as he went. But he did nothing more. Matthias exhaled a silent breath.

“Ya fucking dog,” the guy grunted, knocking shoulders with Jesper. In a second they had each others arms around their necks in a fight for power.

Next to Matthias, Pim charged forward to intervene before another guy grabbed his arm dragging him back. An uproar began.

Just like that a fight broke out between every player it seemed. The previous crowd murmuring had evolved into furious screaming and he saw the umpire wave over for help as he blew the whistle pointlessly. As Jesper was dragged to the floor, he heard a distinct voice screaming over behind him. Matthias had to look.

They were all stood from their seats, shouting profanity and throwing their hands in the air aggressively.

I’m sorry.

In a burst of frustration, he marched seamlessly into the brawl. This was his fault. He couldn’t get his head in the game.

With his size, it was easy to barge through. Without hesitation, he grabbed the shoulder of the guy wrestling Jesper and dragged him to the ground with him, shoving his hand into his face.

“Matthias mate!” Jesper wheezed, climbing onto his knees. “I had it. I had it.”

Underneath him, the guy struggled to escape. Matthias began to feel sick.

“Hey! Hey!” A stern voice cut through the crowd. Matthias looked to the side noticing a yellow card being waved in Specht’s face, he threw up his hands angrily. “They fucking started it!” Specht cried. “Pay attention, isn’t that your job?”

Matthias loosened his grip on the guy below him and shoved him away, standing. He extended his hand to grab for Jesper, who took it stumbling.

“Crazy cunt!” The guy accused, coughing as he scrambled away. Matthias continued to scan his face passively, realising he was familiar.

The whistle blew one last time and Matthias could finally hear Kaz’s screaming.

“This isn’t a fucking wrestling match, this is rugby. Get your head in it. Fuck me.”

Matthias looked over as Kaz ran a hand through his hair shouting another string of curses. His clipboard was now situated on the floor. He must’ve thrown it.

As the teams began to separate back together, gruelling stares were sent and received. Matthias rested his hand on Jesper’s head ruffling it gently. They caught their breaths in unison.

“You good?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jesper nodded breathlessly. He looked over at the stadiums, squinting his eyes and searching. Matthias fought the urge to do the same.

The umpires came over, pulling Pim and Jesper from the team along with two Dime Lions. Matthias held his hands over his face wracked with guilt. Kaz was right he couldn’t get his head in the game. It was so different for so many reasons.

Nina was there. His dad wasn’t. He wasn’t speaking to either of them.

His life of perfection had shattered the minute he stood up for himself and it destroyed him. But Nina did what he knew his father would never. She apologised. This was somehow worse.

It had destroyed him because it was the proof that he had made the wrong choice. He and Nina could be together, they could make it work. Matthias just didn’t try hard enough and instead made Nina cry on multiple occasions. Her teary eyes that had haunted him for weeks.

But all these distracting thoughts had no place for the field. And his team had paid that price. They had been paying the price for a while now. He wasn’t playing bad inherently, but he wasn’t doing as well as he could be. If his dad were still speaking to him, he would be critiquing him ruthlessly for weeks.

“Back to starting positions boys!” The umpire called out, ushering them all away. Luckily, Jesper and Pim were let off with a warning. Matthias resumed position and with that the game began.

When the quarter ended, teams were tied.

“Get in, get in,” Kaz ushered them together. “Get water, I can’t have you all passing out.”

Inej emerged from the beside jittery Nikolai, both holding two baskets of water bottles. She placed them on the floor and began passing them out. Handing Matthias one, she gave him a encouraging, but tight, smile.

Once she was finished, she sent the barest of glances over to Kaz before gliding away. Kaz hadn’t looked, but his head turned with her as she passed.

“Hey!” Jesper shouted beside him. “How do I look?”

Matthias followed his gaze up to the stands where Wylan leaned on the railing with a smile. Beside him, Nina was staring off into the field. His heart surged at the sight of her. Wylan made a gesture to his ears, indicating he hadn’t heard. He sent a thumbs up. Jesper laughed a little too eagerly.

“Alright! Huddle in,” Kaz ordered sternly. Matthias gave one final look at Nina, who had abandoned the field to look at him. Blinking, she wiped her nose and found the floor. His shoulders were yanked by one of his teammates, who leaned in.

Kaz stood a foot away from all of them watching each intently and oddly thoughtfully. He sighed, placing his white board down.

“We’re gonna lose,” Kaz told them. There was some offended mumbling but no one objected. Kaz had far to much authority and respect for that.

“We are going to lose,” he repeated. “Before I first started coaching you guys, I was certain of it. I looked at all of you and saw lazy, untalented trash who had no chance of making it.”

The boys chuckled slightly looking at each other. This was something they used to be proud of. But everything had changed.

“You’ve got one quarter to decide who you are,” Kaz told them. “Everyone in those stands never had any faith in you, similar to myself. But each hit, each pass, you’ve proven them wrong. You’ve proven me wrong. And usually I’d hate that, but today I don’t. I never taught you to be perfect. I don’t need perfect. I need a team. I need grit. I need you to be able to look at one another and say, 'we’ve got this’ and then fucking prove it.”

Matthias looked to each guy beside him. He recalled the bored and dispassionate faces of all of them. Now? If Matthias had been told who they used to be, he’d never have believed them. With each word that exited Kaz’s mouth, they got straighter, they got prouder.

Matthias indescribably glad he had seen their potential. This team relit the flame of his passion, something he’d lost long ago. He didn’t need a father in the stands, he had his team. 

“Don’t wait. Don’t pray that the wind swings our way. Go out there and work for it. Leave nothing to regret.”

The team erupted into enthusiasm and determination. Knocking each other and jumping in anticipation. The energy radiated off all of them. He noticed Kaz send a confirming nod to Jesper who moved to the center.

“Alright!” Jesper shouted loudly, signalling to raise the volume. “Dregs on three! One, two, three.”

“Dregs,” the team roared, louder than ever before. Jesper turned towards the stadium and Matthias realised the crowd had cheered with them. For the time in weeks, Matthias split into grin.

His eyes instinctively found Wylan and Nina again. Wylan jumping and cheering, flushed an endearing red while Nina was still sitting. She didn’t look disinterested though. No. She was looking at him.

The clock had stopped, time had slowed just for them. The stadium was vibrating with energy and all around him his teammates slapped his back and ruffled his hair. But he was unmoved. Captivated. Her eyes were giving him strength.

“I’m sorry,” He mouthed. She frowned.

“I’m sorry!” He shouted as loud as he could. Her eyes widened with surprise. People around her started leaning over and whispering. Nina split into a grin. “I’m sorry! I’m sor-”

“Matthias, what the fuck?” Kaz scoffed. “Get on that field!”

Matthias tore his eyes away and realised that everyone was getting into positions. He looked over at Kaz who was shaking his head and muttering something like, “Always distracted.”

He saw Inej run over, gather all the drink bottles again, inhumanely nimble. She caught Matthias’s eye and her tight smile was split into a happy grin. She threw up her hands excitedly in his face, then gestured him away. Matthias saluted to her. Kaz’s gaze followed with that little smile reserved for only her.

Matthias sprinted to his spot filled with a newfound peace and determination. Feeling like Jesper, he bounced in his position. As the whistle blew, everything narrowed.

Every kick, every tackle, every pass, every play Matthias was completely infatuated in the game. No longer was he being easily dragged down by strong flankers, he was easing past them as he usually could. The entire team seemed to have bettered themselves within the five minute break. But the Dime Lions still displayed genuine talent. By the time the quarter was almost finished, they remained tied.

“Come on Dregs!” Matthias shouted into the field almost unbearably loud from the cheering side-lines. “One point! We got this!”

The Dregs were good, but they were tired. Even Jesper’s eyelids were slightly drooping. They were on the wrong side of the field and the Dime Lions were pushing them closer and closer.

Just one good play.

One of their swift hookers sped past Matthias just out of arms reach. He heard brief yelling behind him and turned to see Bollinger slam him to the ground. The ball scattered and in a flash, Jesper ran through the ruck and sprinted the opposite way.

The cheering was incredible, Jesper had a speed no one else on the team could match. But the Dime lions were smart. Their backs stayed wide and were able to spot Jesper before he went all the way.

But they were close, so close he could taste it. The Dregs scurried to their forward line and the whistle signified the play.

Matthias saw as the ball bounced backward. It was refined, each bounce slower than the last, until it rolled to a halt. The grass dented as it stopped. It was free. It was open. There was a path to victory and Matthias could see it so clearly. He sprinted forward.

Scooping up the ball in his hands, he was on the run. He could feel the flurry of an army behind him. Trying to reach him. But they couldn’t. Matthias saw in his peripheral the large number eight reach out his arms. Without stopping, he shoved his shoulder into his, bursting through the crowd like a bull. The try line was right there.

In a final desperate effort to reach it, he shut his eyes and dove, feeling the weight of all the other players clinging to him. He shut his eyes, envisioning Nina. Not her crying eyes. Her smiling face. He hit the floor.

There was a beat. A pause. A break in the air. Had he reached it? He wasn’t sure where he was, until he opened his eyes. Looking down, he had passed the line.

The crowd was indescribably loud and he felt someone jump onto his chest.

“That’s my captain!” Jesper screamed. “That’s our captain!”

The team huddled around them as he heard the siren for the end of the game. He could barely hear or see anything anymore except his teammates. He gripped onto all of them for support. Smiling wide, he cheered alongside them.

“Dregs! Dregs! Dregs!”

“What do we do?”

“Win! Win! Win!”

The changing rooms shook with volume. It had been half an hour since the game ended. They were all preparing to leave, but the energy hadn’t dissipated.

Jesper was stood on the benches swinging his guernsey and chanting so the team would follow. Suddenly he pointed to Matthias.

“Captain speech,” Jesper announced. “C’mon we need a famous Matthias post game talk!”

The team erupted into cheers again. Matthias laughed, shaking his head.

“No, no,” he swung his bag over his shoulder. “You know I can’t beat Kaz’s speech.”

“You don’t need to!” Jesper laughed. “You both add your special touch.”

“Alright, alright,” Matthias sighed and lifted his bag off. The team cheered again and Jesper jumped off the bench and gestured for him to continue.

“First off, you all shocked me out there. I remember months ago I was the only person advocating for this team,” Matthias exclaimed. “As each game goes by I’m even more glad I saw it. That try at the end wasn’t all me. Every block, every tackle, every encouragement got me there.”

They all nodded with each word he said. “Tonight, weren’t just bottom of the barrel Dregs. We’re winners! More than that. We were a team. One of the best fucking teams I’ve played for in a while,” Matthias shouted. “And that doesn’t end here. What are gonna do next week?!”

“Win!?”

“And how are we gonna win?!”

“Together!”

They all applauded in their usual fashion. Jumping and shouting with all the energy that was given to them that day.

“Every day I’m glad I was to be chosen as captain,” he told them, he stuck his arm up to wave. “Save your energy for training.”

With comical groans, they all shouted their goodbyes and Jesper hurried up pulling his shirt over. Bidding goodbye too, he caught up to Matthias.

“So, wanna relish in our victory?” Jesper nudged him.

“What do you mean?” Matthias frowned as they exited the doors.

“Home game afterparty,” a alluring voice responded. He looked over at Nina who was leaning against the wall.

“Who’s hosting?” Matthias asked, worried if he acknowledged anything she’d snap out of it.

“I believe Pim was sacrificed,” Inej perked up.

“You mean self-sacrificed,” Kaz cut in. Inej shushed him.

“Can you come?” Nina asked. Her usual strong, bold voice was smaller as she spoke. Matthias realised she directing it to him.

“Well, er- my da…”

Matthias paused. Since his confrontation with his father, they’d barely been talking. Even at club training, his da only spoke to Brum. This was the most freedom Matthias had received in a while. He’d been so used to telling people he could never do something because of rugby. But now?

“Actually, I’ll call a ride,” Matthias nodded. “I can’t miss this.”

“Matthias giving up his designated driver duties?” Jesper laughed loudly, slapping his chest. “Someone’s planning to celebrate right.”

“What about you?” Inej turned to previously quiet Wylan. He was frowned and began chewing his lip. Matthias knew what he must be feeling. Wylan hadn’t been to a party before and he doubted Van Eck was a relaxed parental figure. Wylan gave one last look around, his eyes landing on Jesper.

“Yeah, I’ll go,” he decided.

Jesper cheered too loudly and began poking Matthias to order a ride. Beside him, Inej was whispering quietly to Wylan while Nina and Kaz began bickering about something they found they disagreed on.

Matthias felt he’d won twice in one day.

Chapter Text

Chapter forty: Nina

This drink needs to work faster.

Nina shook her head, watching Jesper standing centered in Pim’s massive living room, chugging some disturbing substance. As he finished, he raised his hands in victory before gagging. Nina winced and looked away before gagging too and began to search for blonde hair.

She had been itching to talk to him since he mouthed those words to her on the field. But because of their win, everywhere she turned he was surrounded. Impossible to reach except with her eyes.

Eventually, she spotted the back of his head. Her heart sored as she realised he was alone. She sat up, ready for her moment, before a group of guys glided into view, slapping him on the back. Nina grunted and sunk into her seat again.

“You’re never gonna get a chance if you keep hesitating,” Inej mumbled, sipping on her drink.

“Maybe I’d rather get a little more wasted before I have any serious conversations,” Nina retorted sharply. Her throat burned after finishing her drink in one swig.

“I’ve never seen you deterred by a crowd before,” Wylan huffed out a laugh that faded quickly. Nina followed his gaze landing on Jesper, who was actively drinking out of a shoe. “Oh Saints, he’s gonna die isn’t he?”

“Nope,” Inej sighed. “He’s impossible to kill. Like a cockroach, it’s infuriating.”

“True, honestly if he jumped off a cliff, he wouldn’t die. He’d probably bounce or something.”

“That’s awful,” Wylan tutted. “But extremely accurate.”

“You guys are optimistic bunch,” Anika laughed beside them. They all shrugged before jumping at an animalistic scream coming from Pim. Inej gave a concerned look. “That man needs a collar,” Anika sighed.

Nina laughed loudly. Their longstanding friendship certainly showed in moments like these.

Anika was a delight to be around too, Nina was beginning to realise. With this realisation came guilt. When Nina was friends with Imogen, she remembered all the nasty things said about her. Thinking about it all now, all the things she dismissed? It made her sick.

Imogen and all her friends were also at the party but rarely bothered Nina. It was predictable. Since the bathroom incident, Imogen had been avoiding her at great lengths. Nina was not complaining.

“Also, if you ask me…” Anika said, before burping slightly. “You should talk to Matthias now.”

“Thank you!” Inej cried, gesturing out to Anika. Nina groaned.

“I’m scared!” She exclaimed childishly. Covering her head in her hands, Inej began stroking her back with a sigh.

“Hey, Matthias!” Wylan called out, in an uncharacteristic show of courage. Bewildered at his confidence, Nina froze as he shouted across the room.

Must be the drink.

She urgently slammed a hand over his mouth but it was too late. Matthias turned and Nina’s fate was sealed. She released her grip on Wylan and returned to a relaxed demeanour. As she waved casually, Matthias whispered to the guys and started walking away.

“Oh no,” Nina hissed. “Inej I can’t do th-”

“Matthias! Nina’s been needing to speak with you!” Inej told him happily as he made his way over.

“Traitor.”

“Oh really?” Matthias asked, his voice heartbreakingly sincere. She couldn’t ignore him now. But was she ready to have that talk with him?

“Yes… I’ve been needing you for…” Nina trailed off, thinking of an excuse. “A jacket! Yeah, I’m cold. Could I wear yours?”

Matthias frowned slightly with his shoulder dipping in disappointment. “I mean yeah… it’s on the coat rack,” Matthias pointed over his shoulder. “I’ll take you there.”

“She’d love that,” Wylan agreed. Nina felt someone push her off the couch. Turning back, Inej gave her an encouraging thumbs up. She glared at her.

I’ll get you some day, she vowed.

Inej and Wylan shared a mischievous look and Anika was hiccupping with laughter. Nina shut her eyes nervously as they walked through the crowd. Music blared louder by the front door, but it was better that way. More tolerable than awkward silence.

As Matthias opened the door to the front room, the music immediately faded into the distance. Still, nothing was said as he walked over and began searching for his jacket. Nina felt her insides squeeze with awkwardness at the tension. It was growing unbearable. The silence needed to be broken.

“Uhm you know what,” Nina giggled erratically. “I’m not cold anymore. Let’s go-”

“No, no, I’m close to finding it,” Matthias reassured, she turned to face him again. He gave her a smile and kept flicking through jacket tags.

Nina sighed deeply and walked over to sit on the bottom stairs. She had to admit Pim had an incredible house. And compared to Madeline’s party, significantly cleaner.

“This house is being treated a lot better than Madeline’s,” Nina decided to say, picking on the stairs carpet.

“Mhm I agree,” Matthias nodded, before faltering. “Well I think so.. I left, you know, earlier…”

Nina’s cringe deepened. Why had she brought up Madeline’s party? What an awful start. A subject change was necessary, right? The conversation could wait. Nina’s head began to buzz, her thoughts befuddled. The choice was harder than ever before.

“Yeah Madeline’s…” Nina said. “That was a while ago.”

“It feels like years,” Matthias agreed. Nina should feel guilty at the way her heart swelled.

“Missed me?” She teased.

He let go of another jacket to pause and look at her. It was a knowing look, like she was the only person who could provide the answer. “You know I do.”

“You did,” Nina pointed out, turning her eyes to the carpet again. “Or you do? Present tense.”

“I do, Nina,” Matthias sighed. “All the time.”

Nina felt her heart sting, feeling guilty for the glee she had felt toward his misery from her absence. It wasn’t fair. This needed to end.

“Oh.”

How could she begin? It was impossible to undo all the mistakes, all the problems they caused for each other. She was always so confident. Why, of all times, was she now nervous?

“I’m sorry,” Matthias spoke suddenly, snapping Nina from her thoughts. “I- uh, don’t know if you heard me-”

“Scream it?” Nina laughed loudly, recalling her shock when he had. “Three times? Yes, I did Matthias.”

“Oh, well I just…” Matthias muttered, scratching the back of his head. “Of course, you don’t have to accept it or anything. I just wanted you to know… It’s not all your fault. And I’m trying to be better. I-I’m getting better.”

Nina nodded as he spoke, soaking up every word. It had been so long, she had missed his presence and his voice. Getting better, from what? Her mind trickled uneasily to Jarl Brum again.

“I think we are both to blame,” Nina bridged, picking her nails. “But I don’t think it’s all our fault. It took us a while to get where we were.”

“We can get there again,” Matthias said eagerly, maybe even desperately. “We can get back to where we were and maybe…”

“Maybe what?”

“Further?”

Nina’s eyebrows raised at his suggestion. “Further?”

Matthias hung his head sheepishly. Grabbing the railing, he lowered onto the step beside her. Nina could see him gathering the courage to speak.

“Remember when your ma came home?” Matthias began carefully. “You messaged me and we went to the diner. And when I was going to drop you off...”

“I tried to kiss you,” Nina recalled with a wince, putting her head in her hands.

Matthias was quiet for a moment. Nina felt his finger graze slightly against her leg. She shivered with surprise.

“I’ve never regretted anything more,” Matthias admitted quietly.

Nina’s heart stopped, she raised her head to see him. He was tilted toward her, looking at her with wide, uncertain eyes. They had crossed into a different territory now. The carpet was feeling prickly against her skin.

“What do you mean?”

“I wish I’d- I wanted to-” Matthias tried to say, he groaned as he lost his words. “I’m not good at this stuff Nina.”

“What stuff?” Nina pushed. She needed him to say it.

“You know what things.”

“Friends?” She deceived innocently.

“I don’t want to be your friend Nina!” Matthias exclaimed in irritation. “I dream about you! You’re everywhere I go. It’s embarrassing but it is true! And when you aren’t there, you’re living in my mind. You know the last winning try today? I couldn’t have done it if I hadn’t apologised to you. When I dove over the line, I wasn’t thinking about the game. I was thinking about you.

Matthias swallowed shamefully, digging through his mind, “The only thing that used to hold me back was…”

“What?”

“My da! My coach,” Matthias groaned regretfully. “It’s stupid, I know now. They controlled everything I did. But I’m not letting them do that anymore. I won’t let them limit my own life. Starting with… starting with you.”

Nina watched him struggle to regain his breath after his admission. She couldn’t help the smile that was unapologetically stuck to her face. Her heart beating so fast that her life had a new vibration to it. Reaching out carefully, she pulled a blonde hair from his eyes and tucked it behind his ear.

He leaned into her touch as she did. Her smile was permanent, inescapable, never-ending. How could it not be? How could she not smile with the brave boy beside her?

“I want to see your eyes,” Nina murmured lowly. He followed her instructions as though her words were seducing him. They were dangerously dilated, half lidded.

“Nina. I like your eyes too.”

He was so sincere, she just couldn’t help but laugh with delight, bending into him.

“What?” Matthias cried innocently. Though she couldn’t see him, she knew he was bright red.

“Oh Saints,” Nina giggled. “You’re too cute.”

“Cute?” Matthias frowned, his mouth grimacing slightly.

“So adorable,” Nina crooned, tipping her chin teasingly. Matthias rolled his eyes, she could tell he was embarrassed. “Okay, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying that,” Matthias shook his head. Nina was glad to see a quirk on his lips again. Saints, his lips. 

He turned over to her, she saw his cheeks were flushed pink. Nina shut her eyes tightly and turned away.

“Matthias, you know there are a lot of things about me… that are difficult,” Nina started, she began playing with her hands. “I feel like you know this better than anyone. If we- if we started something, I could be a bit of a pain. I’ve never seen a healthy relationship, ever really. Except maybe Inej’s parents. But I want…”

“I want you Nina,” he promised, his breath brushing her ear. “My family isn’t perfect either, neither am I. But I realised now that you were never ‘too much’, I was just never enough. But I will be.”

Nina felt her eyes glisten at his promise. He was fiddling with his hands as he took his vow. She knew without a doubt it was all true. Even when all her relationships had ended with the same excuse.

“You’re too difficult.” “You’re too much.” “You’re crazy.”

She tried not to let it get to her, but it was so constant it became the backing track to her life. Her mother had always formed relationships by making herself smaller and it failed each time. So, Nina tried to make herself bigger. But that failed too.

She was convinced that the women in the Zenik family were just cursed. But Matthias telling her this? Hearing his willingness to try? It had sewed a part of her heart she hadn’t known was exposed.

Her Nan was going to love him.

“So… what now?” Nina whispered, turning her head to him. Only when she had, did she notice how close Matthias was to her. His eyes were soft and alluring, their noses were almost touching. Her eyes dipped to his lips.

“Whatever you want,” Matthias mumbled almost drunkenly.

“You know what I want Matthias,” she fluttered her lashes against his cheek, tilting her head sideways.

She was glad when he didn’t wait. He leaned in almost teasingly, his warm breath against her mouth. Their noses skimmed slightly and she shut her eyes melting into his softness. Then, he finally sealed the distance.

It was just how she imagined. His lips were as soft and warm as he was everywhere else. He leaned his whole body into her, his chest pushing her against the railing as he exhaled contently. Nina snaked her arm around his neck to pull them closer, if it was possible.

Nina ran her hands through his hair as he found her lower back. She couldn’t imagine separating from him now. Why had it taken them so long to get here?

“Saints, I need to bleach my eyes,” Kaz’s disgusted voice gagged from in front of them

Nina’s eyes opened in surprise. However, Matthias seemed to have not noticed Kaz’s arrival and continued to kiss her. She placed a hand on his chest to separate them. She saw his heartbreak.

“Was it me?” he asked disappointed. Nina chuckled and shook her head slightly, pointing over to Kaz.

He whipped his head to the staircase entry and jumped back from Nina in mortification. She couldn’t help but laugh again.

“Kaz! Why are you here!?” Matthias cried.

“Trust me, I wish I wasn’t,” Kaz sneered at the two of them. “Pim has more refined drinks upstairs.”

He raised a brow, gesturing to the space they took up. Nina rolled her eyes.

“Nice ruining the moment Brekker,” Nina sighed. She wiped her pants and stood up feeling Matthias follow her lead. She slipped her fingers into his, moving them both out the way.

“Appreciated,” Kaz said simply. “At least I don’t have to witness brooding Matthias anymore. As long as you never break up with him.”

“Fuck off,” Matthias scoffed, rolling his shoulders back. Fear flashed in his eyes though, Nina grinned and leaned into him again.

“Be careful,” Nina called out to Kaz. “We might be busy when you walk down again!”

He flipped them off as he scaled the stairs. Nina returned the gesture.

“Do you still want that jacket?” Matthias cleared his throat, licking his lips. Nina frowned and then waved him off.

“It took you forever trying to find it so…”

“No, no I found it immediately,” Matthias confessed sheepishly. “I just… wanted to keep you around.”

Nina’s mouth fell agape slightly before slapping him on the arm. “Matthias! You devious bastard,” she giggled. “I’m very impressed.”

He leaned over and grabbed his rugby team jacket and swung it over her shoulders. She grinned and winked up at him.

“So…” Nina ran two fingers up his shoulder. “Crow Club diner tomorrow?”

Matthias’s face lit up, before frowning, “Shouldn’t I be the one asking?”

Nina shrugged simply. “I don’t mind,” she paused, then looked up cheekily. “As long as you make it up to me.”

Grabbing his hand again, she led him down the hallway. He followed without hesitation.

Chapter Text

Chapter forty-one: Wylan

They’ve been gone a while now.

Wylan shook his head, in horror.

“They have,” Inej agreed.

Wylan was dazed at her response. He must’ve said it out loud. Or perhaps Inej was a mind reader. He wouldn’t be surprised or upset. Someone like Inej deserved to have superpowers.

Or possibly he was just drunk. Yeah, it made sense. Wylan had no tolerance.

Inej and Wylan had barely moved from the couch for maybe an hour. They had been chatting quietly, Inej’s head on his shoulder. She had been telling him how nice it was to have him there, and how nerve-wracking the last party was.

They had talked briefly with Anika, Pim and Roeder who had sat nearby for a bit. But they had all run off together. Rumour was they threw up in the backyard.

The living room furniture had been pushed to the corners of the room to make a dance floor. Wylan tried to not look often. Jesper had not taken a break from it. He was a mesmerising mess of a dancer. Moving so naturally and unapologetically it made his stomach turn. It didn’t help that Wylan was feeling particularly bold that night.

He hadn’t told his father where he was and hadn’t received any messages or such. It was humbling. Could he have snuck out this often? Did nothing really hold him back except himself?

He thought of all those lonely nights he’d spent suffocating in the house, and felt unbelievably stupid. He could’ve just left. It wasn’t like his father noticed or cared.

“Wylan, my drink is empty,” Inej shouted into his ear over the music.

He heard her words but struggled to concentrate, “Wha-?”

“Drink empty!” Inej shouted, circling her cup with her finger animatedly. “We go fill!”

The sentence finally formed in his mind coherently and he agreed. Inej pulled his arm, hoisting him up and before he knew it he was on his feet. It was odd feeling, his head was heavier than usual and everything was pulling him back down to the couch.

Gravity was tilting him over but he straightened himself before Inej noticed. His tongue was sticky and his mouth felt hot. He hadn’t eaten in a while, but he was left feeling indigested. His stomach gurgled. That better be hunger.

They made their way through the dancing crowd into the kitchen, which was equally as busy. Inej took his cup from him as he swayed slightly. Finding his footing against the counter, he watched her fill it with water.

“No, no I’m fine,” Wylan slapped her arm. She shot him a look. After scanning him, she beamed.

“No, Wylan it’s okay,” Inej reassured with a earnest nod, rubbing his arm. “This isn’t a kitchen tap, it’s a beer tap!”

“Ohhh,” Wylan echoed and began chugging his drink.

It tasted less sour than his previous one. But trusting Inej, he clutched it gratefully. He swore he saw her walk away to fill her cup with something different. But he was too tongue tied to point it out.

Wylan blinked, when he opened his eyes, Specht was right in front of them having a conversation with Inej. He frowned. Why does everyone have superpowers but me?

“Yeah, Van Eck’s agreed to do this magazine article about our-” Specht paused as he noticed Wylan and nudged him. “You good man?”

Wylan split into a grin, “Yeah! You know what? I am!”

Specht and Inej share a look and burst out laughing. Looking down at his cup, it seemed to be filled up again with the tap drink.

“That’s the spirit!” Specht laughed, placing a firm grip on his shoulder. Rugby hands. “You’re funnier than I gave you credit for. You gotta meet the boys.”

Wylan looked at Specht with an overjoyed expression. He couldn’t believe his luck! Making even more friends? Inej trailed behind them and he could practically see her smile.

He waddled over awkwardly slung under Specht’s arm, he saw Jesper had finally retired from the dance floor. He was speaking closely to Madeline as he leaned against the wall.

Wylan felt an unfamiliar emotion ripple and boil in his chest. Seeing them left a bad taste in his mouth, even more than before. Specht somehow got all of their attention. Watching as Jesper’s eyes snapped up, Wylan realised that he must’ve been staring.

“This is Wylan,” Specht announced proudly to The Dregs. “Remember him from our first game?”

“I’m Wylan,” he waved. “From the first game.”

“He’s quite fucked, I think,” Specht laughed, rubbing his curls. Wylan finally lost to gravity and flopped onto the couch. Finding Jesper again, Wylan smiled with all his teeth.

“I’m very perfect right now,” Wylan told them, leaning into a hand on his shoulder that belonged to Inej. She so quiet now. Or was he was just talking too much?

“This your first party Wylan?” Roeder teased, taking a sip of his drink across from him.

“That obvious?” Wylan laughed. Inej patted him slightly. “I think I’m doing pretty well.”

The people around laughed and Wylan was filled with accomplishment.

“I think it’s time you slow down maybe,” Jesper opposing him chuckled. It wasn’t the usual casual Jesper laugh, it was tight and nervous. Wylan had never known him to be nervous.

“Party’s just started!” Madeline chirped up, slapping Jesper on the arm. Wylan’s eyes narrowed, and an uneasy feeling washed over him. It was similar to anger but more hurt. Was he jealous?

Why? Jesper can do what he wants.

But you almost kissed.

“That was just you,” Wylan muttered to himself.

“What?”

Wylan paused before smacking his forehead, “I said it out loud again.”

“Don’t worry, I gave him water,” Inej reassured them.

Wylan looked up and followed her gaze across to Jesper again.

“You gave me water?” He gasped, furrowing his brows. He looked down at his cup again and placed it on the coffee table. “I knew it.”

“Hey Wylan,” a voice cut off his annoyance. Someone from across him? Oh right, Jesper. “Why don’t we get you moving?”

“I don’t do well with exercise,” Wylan shrugged. He felt a guy next to him shake with laughter.

Jesper smirked challengingly, “I mean dancing? Unless that’s exercise for you.”

Wylan scoffed perhaps too harshly, “It certainly is. Why don’t you go and dance for me?”

Jesper’s eyebrows shot up with surprise, his perfectly white teeth flashed with amusement. Saints, Wylan needed to stop staring at his lips. He flushed stupidly.

“I mean- like… dancing, dance in me… I mean in my place!” Wylan amended hurriedly, messing up his words. “Like dance instead of me.”

Jesper was almost crying with laughter by the time Wylan decided to shut his mouth. All the rugby boys seemed to find this comical too. Wylan didn’t feel the similar accomplished feeling as they clutched their sides.

“What's so funny?” A raspy voice said from behind Wylan. He didn’t bother turning his head. It was Kaz.

“This kid is fucking genius,” Specht wiped his eyes. Kaz walked into Wylan’s view holding a new bottle of a brownish liquid.

Hang on? Kid?

“Wylan?” Kaz asked, and they all nodded. He scoffed. “About time you recognised it.”

Wylan jerked his head back like he’s been slapped. Had Kaz just complimented him? That was usual, wasn’t it? Never had Kaz given even a hint of a genuine compliment. Maybe it wasn’t genuine, but a joke instead. Like the others.

“Well, I’m not done dancing,” Jesper announced, pushing off from the wall. “If Wylan isn’t willing. Inej?”

Jesper spread his inviting arms, sauntering over to Inej cheekily with a grin that made Wylan’s heart flutter. He extended his hand to Inej and Wylan heard her laugh. He felt her hand squeeze his shoulder and the hair beside his ear was pulled back.

“Wylan, are you going to be okay?” Inej whispered in his ear. “I don’t want to leave if you aren’t well.”

Wylan laughed, “I told you I’m amazing! Don’t let me keep you from the dance floor.”

Inej paused and he felt her move away. “Yeah, I don’t know Jesper. He’s pretty drunk,” she sighed. Wylan frowned. He had just told her he was perfectly fine.

“I’ll watch him,” Kaz offered seemingly out of nowhere. Wylan twisted his head to him. Kaz was spread out in a lone arm chair swirling his drink. He tapped his cane shrugging. Madeline had teleported from the other side of the coach to sit closer to him.

“Oh, well…” Inej blinked, caught off guard. “Thank you Kaz!”

They both watched Jesper and Inej clasp hands and run off into the crowd, giggling youthfully. Wylan already missed them. He turned his eyes to Kaz, his remaining company. Well, except for all the rugby people. And Madeline. 

“Inej is stressed I think,” Wylan said, he saw Kaz’s silencing gaze turn to him. “Don’t worry, she hasn’t told me why. Yeah okay, I’ll shut up.”

“I did say you were smart,” Kaz muttered and Wylan drew his lips into a line, fighting the urge to mock him.

He suddenly noticed a bowl of chips had been placed on the table to his side. Recalling previously how he was hungry, this seemed to be just for him. He inhaled almost all of them.

His eyes found the dance floor again, Jesper and Inej unintentionally in the center. It was as if the flashing lights on the floor were making a spotlight just for them. They spun around each other with incredible synchronisation.

Wylan knew he would’ve broken his ankle if he was out there. But still, he yearned to be the one holding Jesper’s hands on the floor. Be the person Jesper spun in a circle. Inej’s hair wrapped around her waist and she laughed magnetically. Jesper laughed too and Wylan wished he could have heard it.

“Inej is a good dancer,” Wylan heard someone speak up.

“She is a dancer,” Wylan told them, eager to speak about his friend. “Ballet.”

“Oh yeah, you guys are real close aren’t you?” Roeder asked.

Wylan nodded earnestly.

“So…” he trailed off. “She free?”

Wylan frowned deeply, “Free?”

“You know,” he shrugged. “Is she single?”

“I don’t think she’d be interested in a serial fucker like you,” Kaz’s voice that could cut through ice snapped warningly. The rugby boys burst into laughter again, slapping Roeder’s back sympathetically. He seemed to take it fairly.

“Nah, but is she though?” Pim seemed intrigued too now, turning back to Wylan.

Never had he been stared at so dangerously and unnervingly than in that moment. It wasn’t the eyes of the entire rugby team that was causing his forehead to glisten with stress. It was the singular pair beside him. His gaze so gruellingly painful he felt he might burst into flames.

“Well…” he said nervously. “Technically… yeah?”

A unanimous and pleased ‘mhm’ passed around. Wylan began to feel sick, knowing he’d made the wrong choice.

Why did he feel guilty about telling the truth? Wylan felt as though he had just started a personal vendetta with the glaring dark-haired, cane-bearing boy beside him. His stomach gurgled nervously. He was sick with nerves.

No, not sick with nerves. He was just sick.

Wylan felt something rise from his chest and suddenly the spinning room was becoming too much for him. The lights were too harsh, the smell too strong and too many eyes. His throat made a slight whining noise. He looked down at the empty chip bowl. Had he eaten all of them?

As the vomit in his throat became clear, he used all his strength to rise from the couch and burst through the crowd. He heard the echoes of laughter and teasing, but Wylan only had one goal. Get to the bathroom.

As he reached the door, he tapped weakly, unable to form words. Wylan leaned his head against the cool wooden frame, closing his eyes.

“Hey! Come on, let him in!” A demanding voice behind him shouted. He felt the door shake as the person’s fist punched it urgently.

Slender fingers wrapped around his shoulders and pulled him up. Wylan managed to open his eyes and discover his guardian angel.

“Jesper?” Wylan blew out in a breath. Jesper looked down at him, smiling. Or maybe grimacing.

Suddenly, the door burst open and Wylan found himself facing red-mouthed Matthias and dishevelled but smirking Nina.

“Gross,” Wylan mumbled. He might be sick again.

“Oh, is it your turn-” Nina’s eyes twinkled mischievously before she narrowed into his face. Her smile dropped and her eyes widened. “Oh, Wylan.”

He didn’t have time to hear a disappointed speech. He covered his mouth quickly, pushing past the two of them and dropping to his knees in front of the toilet, throwing up.

Wylan’s head was pounding unbearably and he rested his head on the lid.

“Saints, Wylan,” Nina gasped. He felt her warm fingers begin to run through his curls and she pulled them back. He was sure they were moist with sweat, but he felt less suffocated as she did so. “Jesper go get that hand towel and wet it. Wylan you’re boiling.”

Wylan moaned as his weak response. He heard the sink run with water, and the door creaked further open.

“Is he okay?!” Inej’s sweet, concerned voice rang out. He should apologise for not drinking the water.

“He’ll be fine,” Matthias must’ve said.

Wylan felt a cool hand towel being placed behind his neck, and his shoulders relaxed.

“Kaz, you were supposed to look after him!” He heard Inej’s irritated voice.

“He was heading towards this state before I even got there,” Kaz scoffed.

“You still promised to keep an eye out,” she sounded extremely annoyed.

“I thought you didn’t like me doing that,” Kaz shot back, with a significant undertone Wylan didn’t understand.

“You know what?” He heard Jesper’s heroic voice demand. “Everyone except me and Nina, out.”

“But-”

“Inej, babe, out.”

There were some muffled cursing and bickering as the door slammed. Wylan threw up again, gripping the bowl of the toilet for support. He shut his eyes and rested against Nina’s arms. He clicked his tongue to the roof of his mouth, it was so warm and sticky.

“Water,” Wylan groaned.

He heard more shuffled and the sound of water gushing started again.

“Wasn’t this your drink cup?” Nina asked.

“Well, yes,” Jesper admitted. “I washed it.”

“Jesper?”

“Yeah Wylan?”

“This is kind of embarrassing you’ve seen me cry and throw up now,” Wylan chuckled to himself, eyes still closed.

“I don’t mind,” was his response. Wylan wasn’t sure he believed him yet.

“You don’t think I’m weird?”

“Wylan, it’s a party, of course people are going to do stuff like this,” Jesper reassured. He was so nice, it was odd.

“So, you don’t think I’m weird?” Wylan asked again. “Like you aren’t embarrassed?”

He felt Nina begin to run her fingers through his hair as she held him. He could basically see them sending each other looks.

“Of course not,” Jesper told him, Wylan felt him take a seat beside them.

“Then why didn’t you talk to me before Inej?” Wylan whispered. Why did it take so long for us to get here?

Jesper paused for a long time. He sighed, “I don’t know. But I’m ashamed it took so long to realise how great you are.”

“You think I’m great?”

“Incredible,” Jesper confessed. Even though Wylan was exhausted he felt himself smile.

“I don’t think I’m gonna be sick anymore,” Wylan told them. “All the chips have exited my body.”

Nina chuckled beneath him, “You know what Jesper? Why don’t you stay, mhm?”

Wylan heard an infliction in her voice that made it seem teasing. “Sure,” Jesper replied.

Nina lifted him off her slightly, his head still heavy and nauseating, but he felt much better. Able to open his eyes now, he watched as Nina opened the bathroom door to leave. Wylan was pretty sure she winked at him.

“Here,” Jesper caught his attention easily, holding out a sparkling pink cup.

That’s right, he wanted water. Greedily, he chugged as much as he could muster. The cool water soothed his throat.

He heard Jesper laugh, “Jeez, slow down.”

Wylan placed the cup beside him and squinted in the bright bathroom lights. Jesper was smiling and Wylan began to realise their legs were touching. He felt too sick to be smitten about it. Nothing but sleepy.

He leaned against the cool tiled wall and sighed. Jesper never moved his leg or said anything else, but he heard the slight tapping of Jesper's fingers against the floor.

“I really like your lips,” Wylan murmured as the tiredness overtook him. “I like all of you, kinda.”

Before he could fade into darkness, he heard the tapping stop.

Chapter Text

Chapter forty-two: Kaz

How is she so fast?

Despite Kaz’s talent in stealth, he still managed to stray behind Inej as she stormed away.

“Inej!” he called out uselessly. Either she simply couldn’t hear or was just ignoring him.

She reached the front room and stopped in front of the jackets. Turning each one over with a scoff, her head moved a fraction of an inch in recognition of him.

“What are you doing?” Kaz demanded unreasonably, she shoved a hoodie aggressively back onto the bench. Her response was a grunt.

He sighed as loudly as possible to gain her attention. It worked.

“What do you want Kaz?” Inej snipped irritably.

“To talk?”

“You’re never willing to talk it out,” Inej chuckled humourlessly. Her expression promising anger but shadowed with disappointment. “What changed?”

Kaz drew his lips in a thin line, “Why are you being so difficult?”

Inej fake laughed again, he grew deeply unsettled at the sound of it. Her usual laugh, no matter how small, was melodic and captivating. So much so that it could hold him in a daze for hours. Dangerously so.

It was a laugh people would fight for, a laugh that he tried to hear as often as he could. But not this one. This one was forced and upset. He was always making her upset.

“I’m difficult?” Inej scoffed, turning her back to him. “Look in a mirror.”

She yanked a familiar jumper from the pile. Kaz recognised it was Wylan’s and her determination was written in her posture. She tried to storm past him. So quick, so agile. He needed her to stop, he had to be swift about it.

Something overtook him. Reaching out, he grabbed her arm. She had been stopped successfully, but she stiffened. He did too. Life had stopped simultaneously for them, the clock had turned back in time. Kaz was nine again.

He was playing in with cheap building blocks crossed legged in the living room. Kaz hated to admit he liked them, they were a child’s toy, but he loved making something out of nothing.

Jordie had told him to make something special for them. It was an easy decision to make the house that they were going to buy. The house he was promised to be taken away to. Not that they would be there all that often, they would travel for games. Coach Rollins had told him that the only true home was the field.

Kaz had finished in less than ten minutes. Rubbing his hands together satisfied, he called out to his brother. No answer. He called twice. No answer.

Kaz remembered hearing the screeching of the pipes from the shower. Straining his ears to listen, he heard the water running. He rolled onto his back and waited for what felt like forever. How long had it been?

Rolling back onto his stomach, he pushed himself up impatiently. He ran over to the door, knocking on it loud and annoyingly, using the most irritating voice capable. But Jordie hadn’t even yelled back. Kaz screamed a little louder. All he could hear was water.

Tears of frustration and uncertainty threatened to spill and his annoying yelling turned into demanding calls. He banged against the door aggressively.

Finally, after one final shove, the door knob cracked open, probably due to the faulty construction of the government house. Kaz stood for a moment, before pushing it open.

The shower was on but the curtain wasn’t pulled. Jordie wasn’t standing in it. Kaz peeked his head inside before entering, heart in his throat. The water from the shower was all he could hear. Looking around, Jordie wasn’t inside.

The shower was becoming annoying and the man in the suit would certainly get mad if they were wasting water, so Kaz reached in and turned it off. That’s when he saw him.

His body was red and irritated with scratch marks all over him, still fully clothed and drenched. His eyes were rolled back and straying from his mouth was white foam. Kaz screamed and climbed into the tub.

His skin was slick with water, clammy and cold. Nothing like the usual warm and comforting Jordie. The veins in his arms sticking out in an odd purple way. Then his muscles twitched. Was he still alive? Kaz was lost. He shook his brother's shoulders, begging him to roll his eyes back the right way.

The foam turned red and warm blood leaked from his mouth. Tiny Kaz used all his strength to drag him out of the bath. Still soaking from the shower, Kaz’s hands were covered in water, foam and blood.

He held his brother helplessly unsure if he was alive or dead. The next part he remembered the most vividly. The knock at the door, echoing down the hallway. Kaz couldn’t tear himself away from Jordie, his pulse hadn’t left yet. It was muffled calls of someone he recognised.

After a long minute of knocking, Kaz heard the keys turn in the door and it swung open. He heard the clicking of heels down the wooden hallway. A familiar head of red hair and a training suit appeared in sight. Pekka had come to save them.

He turned and saw Kaz in tears clutching his brother. One look was all he needed. Kaz silently begged through his cries. But one look was all. Pekka’s face shadowed at them both in horror, then he turned around and left. Like he was nothing.

Kaz had found the courage to leave his brother for a moment and call the ambulance. Jordie’s body had gone completely pale and lifeless by the time he returned. But he was brought to the hospital anyway. Kaz spent torturous hours in the waiting room, unable to look anywhere but the floor.

His brother had a seizure, seemingly from both steroids and other substances. Kaz was nine when he had learned this, nine and he knew whose fault it truly was. Nobody but him had witnessed Pekka’s guilty face in that hallway.

The system had tried to put him in foster care, but each home was a worse and worse fit. Eventually, he settled into a family that had no interest in providing for him at all. He had run away at eleven and began living on the streets. The family hadn’t bothered to report it.

But he was forever haunted by Jordie and his pale body.

Even now, holding Inej’s arm in his hand, his muscles seized with tension. He was forever a child, dragging his cold dead brother out of the tub.

He ground his teeth down together and shut his eyes looking away with uneven breathing. But he kept holding on.

His fingers shook against her and he was certain she noticed. But there was something different. She was warm and dry, he could feel her pulse. Despite this, air still escaped his lungs.

Under his touch, she had stiffened too. But she eased and he felt her turn towards him. He let go.

His brain was flashing through his whole life. Circling back to his worst moments; the crimes he’d committed, the hospital bed after his injury. All finding it’s way back into the bathtub. He felt himself go as cold as Jordie.

“What happened to you?” Inej pleaded, her voice breathing back life.

There was something about it, her tone, her words, the wisdom he knew she carried. Her voice had kept his blood pumping and his skin dry. He felt himself absorbing the warmth from her tone as if she had personally resuscitated him.

When the revulsion faded enough, he opened his eyes and found her. Inej’s eyes did not contain an ounce of judgment, or fear or disgust. They were wide and brown staring steadily into his own, seeing him, like he was sure no one else had.

She frowned and her eyebrows were furrowed as they so naturally did, creasing her forehead. She was waiting, she was waiting for him. Waiting was pointless.

“I need air,” he rasped and shoved past her towards the backyard.

She called out to him, but he refused to stop. He had a goal now, to breathe. He was alive again, Inej had revived him, he needed to stay that way.

Striding through the hallway, he burst through the door and inhaled desperately. The air was clear and crisp, just as he needed. It prickled his skin and his clothes didn’t stick to his skin suffocatingly anymore.

He scanned the backyard and realised it was mostly empty. People were either spread out on the ground, making out or throwing up in the bushes. He fit right in.

Sighing, he walked down the steps and took a seat leaning against the fence. Where the light couldn’t reach him. He needed a distraction, and not one like Inej.

Opening his phone, he realised that he had been messaged a day ago. With the rugby game that day being so important, he had neglected his other duties. He opened Bajan’s message.

Saturday 9:00 pm

He responded. Apparently, he doesn’t want us to contact him anymore. Says he needs out of the game. I don’t know…

Kaz reread the message until he was white with rage, he threw his phone.

Rollins had done it again. Damaging the lives of all those around him and leaving before the poison could reach him. Before consequences could form. Did Pekka even realise how just many people were victims of Bajan and his other ‘employees’?

All Kaz had done, all he had sacrificed, for what? He ruined Bajan and Inej’s friendship, almost ruined Colm and Jesper’s. He had associated with his old contacts and reentered a cycle bound to never end.

“You’re never done kid.”

Pekka directly ruined Jesper’s, Bajan’s, Colm’s and Inej’s lives while Kaz failed to do anything, again. He got the money for his bar and now what? He walked free. Like he always did.

They had become victims of Pekka Rollin’s selfish decisions like himself and Kaz couldn’t save them. Just like his brother.

He pressed his palms into his eyes until they went red.

“Kaz?” The soothing voice called to him.

He took his hands from his face and placed them by his side. He tilted his head towards the night sky, not saying a word. Her footsteps were impossibly light against the stairs and there was a shuffle of movement in the grass as she sat beside him.

She was close enough to feel the heat radiating off her, but not so close that they were touching. His hands remained on the floor beside him. They were silent.

He didn’t dare look over at her, but they shared the darkness quietly. Feeling the barest brush from her hair against his upper arm, he flinched and looked down.

“It happens to me too,” Inej murmured.

Kaz couldn’t help but look over, her voice hypnotising him. It was as he thought, she was gazing up into the sky. Her eyes were so dark and reflective he could see the stars in them. Her lips were slightly parted and as she blinked her lashes brushed her cheek. He couldn’t believe she was real sometimes. Her dark eyes glinted and turned over to his own.

“What?”

Inej inhaled deeply, “Touching is… hard for me too.”

Kaz watched as she began to pick at her nails. He wanted to reach over and place his hand in hers instead, he wanted to tuck her hair behind her ear. He wanted to do a lot of things.

“Was it…” he paused, carefully forming his sentence. “The teacher?”

Inej's body froze instantaneously, he saw her head nod in the barest of movements. He swallowed and looked away.

“You know then,” she said.

“I saw something… on the internet,” he confessed, in the corner of his eyes she looked at him. “Then, the bathroom confirmed it.”

It was silent again. Kaz could hear the croaking of frogs in a creak nearby and the buzzing of crickets hidden in the backyard. He could also feel the thumping of the lively party still happening right inside. Maybe even the thumping of his own heart too.

“Oh,” Inej finally said.

Kaz nodded, unsure of what to say now.

“You know something?” Inej spoke up again, Kaz shut his eyes absorbing her voice as it drowned out everything. “Not even Nina knows. My auntie and uncle don’t know, obviously not my cousins. I couldn’t bring myself to tell my parents. I had stopped going to school once it happened and they thought it was just my bullying.”

She swallowed deeply before continuing, “I was gonna go to station and report it, telling everyone I had dance practice. But I knew about all the failed cases and realistically it was useless. Do you know the chance of women winning sexual assault cases? Fifteen per cent. It was over before it started.”

She spoke so steadily of troubling things, that it impressed him as much as it upset him. Maybe calmed him too. Like she was the one spot of land in the endless sea of trouble. An anchor, a hook that kept him from drifting away. He had never known someone to experience such pain and exist as her. He doubt anyone else could either.

“What’s his name?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“Why?”

“I can’t bring myself-” Inej paused, taking a breath. “His name it’s just…”

Kaz wouldn’t push her. He nodded.

“And anyway, you’ve proved to be…” she trailed. “Defending. Protective.”

“Protective,” he echoed. Perhaps she was right, he didn’t feel anything shameful about it.

“You never told me why.”

“What do you mean?”

“Why have you been looking out for me, Kaz?” Inej muttered.

There were such an easy answers but he’d barely let himself think them.

Because I’ve known you for less than a year and I’ve already told you the worst things about myself.

Because every time I hear your laugh I can’t think of anything else.

Because you were the only person to never show me pity, no matter what I confess.

Because you told me I was a good coach.

Because if you left me now I couldn’t handle it.

Because I feel that I could kiss you, because I want to kiss you.

Because you’re the strongest person I’ve ever known and nobody seems to realise it.

“Because you're important,” Kaz answered truthfully, shrugging.

“To you?”

“Yes,” his confession low and secret. One that was so deeply incredulous to him that he let out a disbelieving huff of laughter as he shut his eyes. “Yes,” he told her desperately. “To me.”

Inej was quiet for a while. She could be horrified by his admission, perhaps be furious again like she had been a minute ago. Maybe she should try to be rid of him. That would be best for her.

“Could I… hold your hand?” She murmured softly.

Kaz stiffened at her suggestion. A mere minute ago he had been struggling with memories of his past the second his hand had wrapped around her arm. Was his desperation stronger than his history?

Flipping his palm skyward silently, he didn’t tell her that he had done so. But he watched as she slowly brushed her fingers against him.

He tilted his head away painfully, feeling the familiar cold and dead sensation in his hands again. But he didn’t move it, he let her thread her fingers into his and clasp them together. Inej clung tightly.

Kaz began to shake, and flashes of his wet and cold brother swept through his mind. He shut his eyes, beginning to feel Inej stroke her fingers against his thumb comfortingly. Her hand was so warm and alive. She was so alive, being around her was as necessary as getting oxygen from a tree.

As his eyes were shut, the memories flashed between his brother's rolled back eyes and Inej’s that had reflected the galaxy. He was dead and warm at the same time, dying but alive. His brain was confused. He retracted his hand away.

He cleared his throat irritably.

“It’s okay,” Inej whispered nervously in return. They fell into silence.

He was almost there.

After he stopped his shivering, he looked down at Inej’s open and waiting palm. They fell together again, his thumb brushing hers as he placed it down. Her breath hitched as he did. They didn’t look and they didn’t speak. His hand stayed with hers.

“Did you give Wylan his jumper?” Kaz asked. Inej laughed with surprise and he felt his lips twist.

“Yes, he was very asleep,” Inej informed him. “Next to a very enthralled Jesper.”

“Saints, I assume Matthias and Nina have vanished too.”

“Well, technically we have as well.”

“Technically.”

They were quiet for a beat.

“Would you come to Wylan’s orchestra performance?” Inej implored hopefully.

I think I’d do whatever you ask.

“I’m going,” Kaz replied, he felt her squeeze his hand. “Naturally, he’s watched all our games.”

“Naturally.”

After a while, she tilted her head and rested it on his shoulder. He could’ve stayed there all night.

Chapter Text

Chapter forty-three: Wylan

What is he looking at?

“Your posture gives poor airflow,” an annoyingly accented voice snipped.

Wylan was sat in the orchestral changing rooms before they were to be called onstage. The audience was filing in consistently now, he could hear the echoes of voices from behind the curtains. The mumbling made him shiver with nerves. It was a rewarding feeling though.

Still, everyone backstage was bustling around with the same feeling of franticness. Something always went wrong as the minutes counted down. For once, Wylan didn’t seem to have an issue.

Or so he thought.

“What?” Wylan frowned at Kuwei.

Wylan was a flautist alongside another boy a year below, Kuwei. Despite him being younger, he seemed to excel easily and always understood things with an impossible ease.

Wylan had never been so infuriated by someone before.

It wasn’t just his talent, it was his attitude. He moved from Shu Han recently, so his accent was still thick and his Kerch wasn’t perfect. But every time Wylan patiently tried to converse with him, he’d shoot Wylan a side eye and not say a word. Kuwei seemed fine talking to the conductor or even the trombonist. It was targeted!

When they first met, Wylan believed they’d get along. That it was possible the language barrier between them caused this. As time passed, he knew they certainly would not.

“You will miss beat with no air,” Kuwei shrugged, adjusting his tie in the mirror.

Wylan fought the urge to roll his eyes. Was he trying to get into his head? Kuwei didn’t even have the audacity to look at him as he spoke. His perfect slender fingers began combing through his hair. Not that it was out of place at all. His hair was perfect too.

Wylan drew his eyes to his own mirror. His tie was crooked no matter how much he retied it and his hair was puffy even with the gallon of gel he used.

Doesn’t matter. It’s about skill, not appearance. Wylan thought encouragingly to himself. He felt something move beside him.

Looking over, Kuwei was holding out his tub of gel and gestured to it with his head.

Wylan scoffed, “What’s your issue? Have nothing better to do backstage than to pick on me?”

Kuwei raised a brow but took his tub back and finally walked away. Wylan breathed a sigh of relief.

It was safe to say, he was proud of himself. Perhaps a year ago he would’ve let Kuwei weasel into his head and then wallow in insecurity before the curtains were opened. But his spine had grown since then.

Wylan couldn’t image letting anyone walk over him again. Even his father, maybe. Going back to unnecessarily cleaning his flute, he smiled to himself.

“Count down to curtains open. Back row, file out,” the loud voice of his conductor shouted.

Wylan felt his stomach flip at the words. Every inch of him was vibrating with anticipation and nerves. It was dialled to a hundred since he knew how many people were hidden in the darkened seats.

Unfortunately, Jesper couldn’t keep his mouth shut and Nina immediately ordered tickets once she was informed. Meaning, Matthias had come too. And Inej somehow convinced Kaz to give up something and attend. 

Jesper had even invited Colm.

Seven people in the crowd just for him. It was incredibly nerve-wracking.

“Final call! Front row, time to take your seats!” The voice called finally. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

Wylan stood from his mirror seat and took a deep breath, following the small line created. Entering the hallway, it was dark and cool. Nothing like the warm lighting of the backroom.

No one was talking now, only shaking legs and heavy breathing was left. He listened to the faint hum of his teacher whispering to certain people. The stage manager extended his arm down the hallway and the line moved forward.

Wylan’s stomach was a complete pit now, a dark hole rotating inside of him. But he held his head high and rolled his shoulders back.

I have great posture, he thought bitterly.

As they grew closer, Wylan could hear the talking of the crowd heighten. He strained his ears to hear something familiar, but it was frankly impossible.

Belendt theatre was used for large audiences, it rose to two stories. Some of the best play there. It was an honour to be performing within it, but the search for his friends or perhaps his mother’s voice would be useless.

The line stopped again, just at the edge of the stage entrance. A person dressed entirely in black held his hand up, halting them. Then again, his arm ushered them along and the line hurried in an organised fashion.

Stepping onto the stage was a familiar feeling. It was almost comforting. The slight creak in the wooden floorboards, the vast height of the roof, the nervous eyes of the already seated players. Even the cushioned seat for Wylan was homely as he sat.

He wriggled his fingers around, wiping his sweaty hands on his pants. Beside him, he watched Kuwei sit.

He was pale and shaky now, no longer the usual arrogant flautist. Wylan wondered if this was his first time in a theatre this large.

Wylan should be thrilled at his nervousness. Kuwei’s shoulders were dipped slightly as he cracked his knuckles. Something about it was unnerving.

“Back straight remember,” Wylan hissed as quietly as he could to Kuwei. He snapped his head over. This time, Wylan didn’t return the eye contact. 

There were a few moments of complete silence from the crowd and Wylan knew the lights had dimmed. Another moment and the curtain opened.

A polite applause began as the conductor stepped out into the light and bowed. He centred himself on the raised podium and tapped his baton on the music stand.

Wylan regulated his breathing, lifting his flute to his mouth. Inhaling deeply, he began the first notes.

His eyes were closed as he played, encompassing himself in the music as he always did.

The tunes weren’t forced, they flowed through him. His notes as a message to the world. Even his playing felt stronger and more refined. True to himself. They were the most confident they’d ever been.

By the end of the first song, Wylan felt the ground shake with applause. Opening his eyes, he saw his other bandmates regaining their breaths before the conductor raised his hands again. It was Kuwei’s turn to start them off. 

He played with the usual refinement and discipline. However, his notes were shaky and lacked the confidence that he always exhibited in rehearsals. Wylan joined, helping them regain their footing. Oddly, they sounded better together.

Wylan could hate Kuwei all he wanted, but he was a part of the band all the same. His failure was the group's failure and his success was there’s too. Luckily, it was a success.

As they played their final overture, the crowd erupted in ovation. Some stood from their seats, Wylan squinted to find his friends but failed.

They took their bows and the large red curtain was pulled shut, hiding them safely from the eager eyes of the audience. Wylan breathed a sigh of relief.

Wylan turned to Kuwei. “Nice job,” he acknowledged.

“Yes,” he said shortly before turning. “It was.”

Wylan rolled his eyes again. Rude as always.

They exited the room in excited whispers and overdramatised re-enactments of what happened. Some talked of their failure or their nerves and some just laughed in flustered relief.

Wylan was finally one of those people. He was wrapped up in a conversation with a violinist about his supposed off-note. He was adamant it occurred but Wylan hadn’t noticed.

They hurried back to the changing rooms, most eager to meet their families in the main room. Wylan fumbled around with his belongings, shoving them into his bag. He wanted to see everyone. He wanted to know what they thought. There were unfamiliar expectations now.

Did Jesper like it?

He swung his bag around his shoulder and shouted quick goodbyes to the band. He didn’t spot Kuwei.

Hurrying alongside the previous violinist, they chattered until they reached the large metal doors and pushed them open.

The room was so different to the previous chaotic changing room, it was quiet and comforting. There were muffled voices of praise and congratulations. The smell of flowers and perfume was intense. Everyone was hugging in every direction.

“Oh!” The violinist shouted. “That’s my family. See ya, Wylan.”

With that, he ran off and Wylan watched him go. Suddenly he heard a gasp of surprise behind him and felt someone jump onto his back. He couldn’t help as a laugh escaped his throat.

“Wylan, you’re a bloody prodigy!” Nina cried from his back.

“Brilliant, really! I was literally crying!” Inej exclaimed as he turned around. She wrapped him in a hug once Nina let go.

He looked past the girls and spotted Kaz, Matthias and Jesper. They were standing around Colm. All talking to…

His heart stopped.

His mother and her carer.

They seemed to spot him and burst into cheers. Wylan’s shock remained, but his face split into a shy grin.

“My darling!” His mother cried, breaking from the pack and wrapping him in a hug. “You made me so proud out there.”

“Thanks ma,” Wylan mumbled into her arm as she squeezed him tightly. “You made it.”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

They stood like that for a while, and Wylan savoured her warmth and reassurance. She was the only support he needed. Well, maybe beside someone else.

As they broke apart, Jesper stepped forward now. He was smiling mischievously with his hands behind his back. 

“To the future classical musician before me,” he announced, pulling flowers from behind his back. “Thank you for blessing my ears.”

Wylan burst into laughter at his odd proposal. Beside him, his mother gushed, “Oh how wonderful!”

Wylan reached out and grabbed them, certain he was bright red.

Jesper walked over and swung his arm around him in his casual fashion. “Hope you like lilies.”

Wylan’s face began to hurt from smiling. It had been a while since he’d been this happy. As they formed a small circle around him, Wylan began to get overwhelmed with compliments.

“I usually don’t like classical music,” Matthias told him. “But that was very interesting.”

“You did very well kid,” Colm winked, looking up at Jesper cheekily. “You stood out, easily.”

“Congratulations on graduating from the school band,” Kaz nodded. Inej hit him on the arm, scowling.

“You did well honey,” his ma’s carer winked at him.

Wylan felt his heart swell with every word that came his way. The flowers were weighted with their compliments. It was nice to have such positive words for something he was teased relentlessly for in school. 

“Hey, why don’t we eat somewhere?” Inej suggested to Wylan. “On us.”

“You mean on me,” Colm added, nudging her with a shaking head.

“Maybe the Belendt Diner!” Wylan exclaimed excitedly, turning to his ma. “You know the-”

“Ehem, actually honey…” her carer interrupted, Wylan tore his eyes from his ma. “She better be going back soon.”

The group notably fell more silent. He tried not to let his disappointment leak into the excitement, but he felt his growing heart had torn a little. He turned to her and she was studying him with furrowed brows. She reached out and curled his hair in her finger.

“Hilde, please I-” she began to say, but saw the carer's expression. She turned to Wylan again, trying to smile. “Why don’t you have fun with your friends?”

“Okay,” he said flatly.

She kissed his forehead and wrapped him in a hug again. He embraced this one as he did the other. Sure, maybe he should be embarrassed that this ordeal was happening. But with his mother, he just didn’t care.

“Love you,” she whispered before being guided away by the carer. Wylan waved lamely, his voice restricted. Love you too, he thought meekly.

Now they were left with silence and Wylan felt the crushing weight of awkwardness on his back. Closing his eyes, he compartmentalised his frustrations and turned to them smiling. 

“You guys are going to love this place,” he grinned.

As they began departing he felt someone lean in and whisper into his ear.

“Who’s that Shu guy staring at Jesper?” Nina laughed.

Wylan groaned indignantly and shot a dirty look over his shoulder. Sure enough it was Kuwei beside his overjoyed father, still focused on them.

“Don’t get me started,” he hissed back to her.

Wylan narrowed his eyes dangerously at Kuwei who had miraculously located Jesper before Wylan. Jesper was leaning against Kaz’s car and Kuwei was half standing on the curb, bouncing nervously on his heel as they spoke.

Jesper said something that made Kuwei laugh. That boiled his blood even further. There was nothing Jesper could’ve said that called for that.

It's not that Wylan didn’t find Jesper funny. Sure, his humour caused more eye-rolls than laughter personally, but that was a subjective thing. Wylan knew what Kuwei was pulling, and he didn’t like it.

Recently, Jesper had been visiting Wylan at his orchestra practices and taking him home. After Wylan had confessed his father stopped sending him their driver, Jesper was adamant.

However, this was purely for quality time or sympathy, because Jesper didn’t actually have a car. So Wylan and Jesper would take the bus together or Kaz would have to give them a lift. Thankfully, Kaz was talking on the phone in the distance.

The only downside was that everyone in his class had taken a liking to Jesper. Well, most. Mostly Kuwei.

His attention was immediately fixated whenever Jesper made an appearance. Wylan guessed he now found the courage to speak to him.

Finally, after glaring slightly manically, Jesper noticed Wylan at the entrance. He rose from his slouched position and waved. Wylan waved back, his eyes catching Kuwei’s. He looked pissed. Wylan shoved down his glee.

“Took you a while,” Jesper noted, placing his hands on his hips. “Get caught up?”

Wylan opened his mouth to respond before Kuwei cut in, “Wylan struggled often with his cases.”

“Oh well,” Jesper slid closer to him. “I can always help you out.”

Beside them, Kuwei’s expression tightened. Wylan rolled his eyes and brushed past. “Alright, I’ve spent enough time here,” he sighed. “Let’s go.”

“But Ka-”

“I’m here,” Kaz interrupted, storming past. His forehead was crinkled slightly in thought and he was out of breath. He seemed dishevelled. Jesper shut his mouth and made an exaggerated cringing face to Wylan.

“Well, goodbye Jesper,” Kuwei nodded and walked away much too slowly for Wylan’s liking.

Kaz started the car before either of them could get in. Wylan basically dove into the backseat to avoid being left behind.

“Did Kuwei say bye to you?” Jesper half laughed over his shoulder.

“Nope,” Wylan grumbled, crossing his arms and sinking into his seat. “Typical.”

“No hard feelings,” Jesper teased him, slapping his knee. Wylan tried not to flush.

“You know the most I’ve ever heard him speak is to you?”

“Ah, I see,” Jesper snickered. “You’re jealous.”

Wylan couldn’t help but get hot at the suggestion. Jesper needed to stop teasing him like this, Wylan was beginning to get the wrong idea. Perhaps he should tease him back, make it even. Instead, he rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, Kuwei the love of my life,” he said sarcastically, earning him a laugh. Jesper spun back to the front.

“Oh Kaz,” Jesper drummed against the dashboard. “I nearly forgot. We gotta stop quickly, da wants us to make something for dinner. Any ideas Wylan?”

He merely shrugged. Not wanting to overstep his invite. The simple offer given from Colm had sent Wylan into cardiac arrest. He couldn’t mess it up.

Kaz let out a low exhale and lifted his watch to his face. “Five minutes,” he grumbled, turning into the carpark. The car was quiet, matching Kaz’s bad mood.

As they pulled over, Jesper jumped from the car. “Two minutes!” he promised. Wylan followed him, eager to get away from the storm cloud in the drivers seat.

”So, give me ideas.”

Chapter Text

Chapter forty-four: Jesper

Wow, he’s really passionate about this.

“I thought you just meant Bolognese,” Jesper admitted, holding a jar of crushed garlic. “Should’ve known better.”

“Shut up and find the chicken broth please,” Wylan demanded, scanning the pasta shelves. Jesper closed his mouth and hid a smirk. Bossy Wylan was becoming one of his favourites.

“I like penne,” Jesper mentioned in passing, running away as Wylan opened his mouth.

He crossed each of the aisles, completely lost. He didn’t go food shopping very often and wasn’t sure what brand of chicken broth was best. Were there even brands? What was chicken broth anyway?

Jesper supposed he might just be nervous. While Wylan could maybe say the same, he wondered if they both felt the same euphoric feeling. Wylan was coming over to dinner! Sure it was going to be with his da. And Kaz. Not exactly romantic…

In reality, Jesper had been an overthinking pushover, something he’d never in a million years have characterised himself as. He knew Wylan was interested in him. More than as a friend. He’d outright told him! Sure, Wylan didn’t remember, but still.

Jesper hadn’t done anything. Nothing.

Instead he stalked him. Essentially. Driving him from orchestra despite it being unbelievably out of the way. Catching the bus when Kaz wasn’t willing to drive him. Although, the extra time spent beside Wylan and sharing headphones diminished any reeking smell from public transport.

A long time ago, Jesper had realised that he liked Wylan. But now it felt stronger. Stronger than the fear he’d been carrying with asking him out. Stronger than the anxiety and dread that had been circling the air for the past few weeks.

He knew Wylan liked him, but should he bring up Wylan’s confession? His hesitance was restricting him. He just hadn’t found the right moment.

Maybe a sunset beach walk would be suitable?

Jesper paused before he reached the fridges. The broth wouldn’t be in the cold section, he knew this. Right? Or was it refrigerated? Now Jesper was second guessing. Looking over, he spotted a worker.

“Hey, uh could you help me find the chicken broth?” Jesper asked. The worker placed a box down and turned to face him. Jesper’s easy attitude fell.

“Oh uh, Jesper…hey,” Bajan muttered awkwardly. Jesper wasn’t sure how to react, he felt his eye twitch.

“Bajan, slaving away at a minimum wage job?” Jesper chuckled forcibly. “Losing business?”

Bajan placed his hands on his hips and sighed, “I deserve that.”

“You-” Jesper started, pointing a finger before taking a deep breath. “Can just tell me where the chicken broth is.”

Bajan nodded and began to lead him to the left. Jesper followed with some distance. He hadn’t seen Bajan in a while. In fact, he doubted Kaz had much time to follow up with the scammers since being coach. Or was this still going on?

Jesper would never know. But he still hadn’t got the money. Money that could’ve maybe been put towards something important. Like a date with Wylan.

Had Inej talked to him? She never spoke of him, rarely brought any of that past up. Jesper didn’t blame her.

Bajan paused in his tracks and looked up. He gestured to the shelf and Jesper nodded avoiding his eye. He reached the closest one and turned to find Bajan, unfortunately, still there. He sighed.

“You… you’re doing well?” He asked awkwardly. Jesper paused before barking out a laugh.

“Like you care?” He scoffed.

“Seriously Jesper,” Bajan shook his head. “I’m so sorry. I do truly hope you’re doing better.”

“Fuck you,” Jesper hissed, looking to make sure no one was around. “I’m not fooled with this innocent act anymore. You stole my money! A lot of fucking money! No, not even mine, it was my dads. You knew I was a gambler, you knew I was addicted and you exploited me. That’s not even the cruellest part! You made me think we were friends.”

“I know, I know-”

“No, no! You don’t know, Bajan,” Jesper snapped. “Have you been on the other side of that computer? I wasn’t the only victim, I’m just the only one you can see.”

“It’s over now, I’ve stopped!” Bajan pleaded, tugging at his uniform. “I’m doing real work, getting my degree. I helped Kaz as much as I could. I’m trying to be better man!”

“Well, I’m glad you can move on,” Jesper said cynically. “Not everyone can. Thanks for the broth.”

With that he pushed Bajan away from him and strode down the aisle. As he left, Jesper felt a knot in his stomach ease.

For months, Jesper had dreading running into Bajan. What would he say? What would he do? It was a humiliating thought. That someone had seen him like that and done that to him walking around Ketterdam.

But now? It didn’t matter. Jesper wasn’t the one to be embarrassed, it was Bajan. He had done the horrible act, and while Jesper was partly responsible, the burden wasn’t all on him.

Seeing the guilt weighing on Bajan was enough to make him smile, but even now Jesper felt above that. He had said what he needed and would never worry about seeing Bajan again.

He skid to a halt as he found Wylan standing at the edge of the row, hidden from view.

His eyes were widen with concern. “Jesper! Was that Bajan?” Wylan asked insistently. “What’d he say, are you alright?”

“Don’t worry about it Wylan,” Jesper told him sincerely, searching his eyes before they dropped to what he was holding. “Aw you got penne? You do listen!”

He’d never seen the boy turn quite so red before. 

They finished their shopping after having to go back and get another brand of chicken broth. Jesper didn’t see Bajan for the remainder of his time there. He didn’t care. Maybe he’d hidden out the back. Or simply didn’t care as much as he pretended.

Jesper took the bag of groceries from Wylan’s hand who sighed but didn’t protest. As turned the corner to where Kaz had been ditched. It was empty. Jesper paused and squinted.

“Is it just me?” Jesper frowned. “Or did Kaz turn into a seat?”

“Yeah, I don’t know where he’s gone…” Wylan spun his head around frantically.

“Come on,” Jesper nudged him. “Let’s wait by the car.”

“Do you think…” Wylan muttered as they crossed the road. “With Bajan being here…”

“That he snatched him from his car?” Jesper responded before he could finish. “This isn’t true crime.”

“But true crime is true,” Wylan squinted quizzically. “It’s a documentary.”

Jesper hushed him insistently and Wylan scoffed, irritated. He looked over to his side and stopped in his tracks. Wylan faltered as he noticed Jesper’s absence. He turned, “What?”

Wylan followed his gaze and spotted what he had. The bag curled in Jesper’s fist. He began marching over.

“Had to speak to all of us?” Jesper shouted over to Bajan and Kaz. Bajan snapped his head around, Kaz barely acknowledged him. He seemed very interested in the wall.

“Jesper- It’s not…” Bajan hurriedly ushered. “I’m not supposed to be out here. I’m trying to help.”

“Like you’ve helped before?” Wylan quipped, Bajan looked at him oddly.

“Who are you?”

“Shut up,” Jesper demanded, he turned to Kaz. “When did you get here? Is this why you agreed to stop?”

Kaz blinked once, “Leave it.”

“Kaz-”

“Leave. It.” Kaz pushed past them all.

Bajan ran an exasperated hand through his hair as he watched him go. Jesper faltered, torn between shoving Bajan or chasing after Kaz.

Wylan made his decision for him, as he gave Jesper an anxious look, he extended his hand. Without a word necessary, Jesper reached out, placing his hand in Wylan’s. He left without looking back.

“Stop skipping,” Kaz grumbled as they walked to school. 

Never had Jesper wanted to attend school on Monday, as he did now. Sunday was poetic torture after his Saturday dinner with Wylan and his family. Jesper was satisfied but isolated. It was like withdrawals from the most enjoyable afternoon. But he would return today and Jesper could see him again.

“Is he still with us?” A humorous voice asked, he jumped. Opening his eyes, Inej had emerged from virtually no where and joined the two of them.

“What the fuck!” He screeched, clutching his shirt. He groaned. “We need a bell on you, seriously. Where did you come from?”

Inej raised a brow, pointing to the corner store right behind her. “Think Jesper,” Inej scoffed and joined Kaz’s other side. “What’s he on?”

“Medication, I hope,” Kaz muttered. Inej laughed.

“Nina taking a sick day?” Jesper decided to ask, noticing that Inej was missing her usual companion. Her mouth pulled into a cheeky smirk and her eyes danced excitedly.

“No,” she sang mischievously. “Some Fjerdan asked if she wanted a ride to school today. I sacrificed my partner for her happiness.”

“You know they’re going to be an hour late now, right?” Kaz drawled, reaching into his pocket. “Should’ve seen them at the party, I have a phobia of stairs because of what I saw.”

“Dramatic,” Inej rolled her eyes. Kaz pulled out a pack of cigs, she furrowed her brows deeply and after a beat, he put them away. Jesper was deeply impressed.

She sighed and continued, “Lets just be happy we don’t have to watch them dance around each other anymore.”

“Very true, tiny girl,” Jesper nodded, looking pointedly at Kaz. “Positive outlooks only today.”

Kaz shot him a disgusted look before telling him, “You’re doing ten extra laps.”

“Gladly!” Jesper sighed dreamily. “I’ll blow off some steam.”

“An hour ago you were on the verge of tears because we had to walk again,” Kaz scoffed.

Jesper shushed him, placing a finger above his mouth. Kaz slapped him away, looking murderous.

But not even Kaz’s pessimistic words or Inej’s teasing remarks could crush his spirits that day. He had a reserved conversation with a certain curly redhead and nothing that could be said had the power to bring him down.

“By the way,” Inej coughed slightly. “Wylan isn’t coming.”

“What?!” Jesper mellowed quickly.

“Yeah, something about a closing day?” Inej suggested, pulling open the wrapper of her protein bar. “I’m not sure what they call it in the orchestra world.”

Jesper bit his cheek and groaned loudly. “The Saints hate me.”

“You know,” Inej frowned. “It’s impossible for them to hate anyone.”

“Inej is right,” Kaz added. “Because they aren’t real. It’s the universe that hates you.”

“They are real,” Inej shot a pointed look at Kaz, whose eyes glinted amusedly at her irritation. “And they do everything for a reason.”

So the universe didn’t want him to ask Wylan out? Too bad. It was happening anyway. Maybe it was best he didn’t do it just yet. It needed to be different. Special, compared to the other careless invites he’d given others.

A thought trickled into his brain, an idea. A good one. Something that didn’t happen often. His self-satisfaction weaselled it’s way into his smile.

“Hey, Kaz?” Jesper hid his glee.

“I don’t wanna know,” he shut him down almost immediately. Perhaps it wasn’t all that hidden.

“You know our quarter-final in Girecht?” Jesper insinuated.

Kaz narrowed his eyes. “Vaguely,” he drawled.

Jesper needed tred lightly, “Well… I think it’s worth inviting a couple supporters. And I’m sure we can convince Van Eck, he adores us now and-”

“Okay.”

“No, kaz listen. I think it’s worth-”

“I said yes asshole,” Kaz retorted. Jesper’s entire body rebooted in surprise. “Me and Nikolai are already organising a travel bus and possible accommodation. Because of that journal article, we probably have a proper funding for extra occupants.”

Jesper searched his face for traces of sarcasm, shocked to find none at all. Kaz huffed an impatient breath and began walking away. His irritation was more of a confirmation. Jesper fought the urge to fist bump the air.

“Can we send our suggestions?” Jesper asked, head still reeling.

“Well, there are the obvious,” Kaz stated, always formal. “Matthias will have a fit without Nina. Pim will want Anika. Inej of course is our water bearer-”

“Wait,” Inej interrupted sheepishly. “Firstly, thanks for using the gender neutral name for water-boy. Secondly…” she bit her lip. “I’m not sure I can go…”

Kaz stopped abruptly. “Why?”

Inej’s face was grimacing in guilt, “Well, it’s just, I’ve only just started my job… and I’m not sure I can call off weekends.”

“It’s Friday to Saturday,” Kaz confirmed, something tight in his voice. “Two days. Tell them you can’t work. Anika will need to do the same.”

“Hang on, hang on,” Jesper called for a backtrack. “Job? When’d you get a job?”

They shared a brief look that told Jesper all he needed to know. Kaz knows why. And Jesper was never going to. He bit back the feeling of exclusion it gave him.

“Jesper,” Inej quickly says. “Do you think Van Eck will let Wylan go? On the assumption that’s why you suggested this anyway?”

Damn, how does she notice that stuff? “Like I said,” Jesper shrugged with his confident ease. “He loves us now.”

Kaz continued to walk away and Inej sighed deeply, following behind. Jesper felt like he was watching parents fight. He bumped her with his hip and winked. An awkward smile was all he earned.

“You’re going,” Kaz told her. Even Jesper believed him.

Chapter Text

Chapter forty-five: Matthias

Djel, get me out of here.

Matthias prayed silently. It was their first family dinner since the ‘incident’. The incident being Matthias finally standing up to his controlling father and being shamed for it.

But it hadn’t just caused riffs between the two of them; Matthias’s sister now clung to his side. His mother was the only one holding some semblance of the family together.

This shouldn’t bother Matthias, but it did.

How long could his mother excuse his actions? How far was too far? Hadn’t she realised that Matthias had been slaving away his entire childhood? She must’ve.

Still, she was silent. He wished he could’ve protected her sooner, and he wished she had protected him too.

“I’ve heard you’ve been winning your school rugby matches,” his mother spoke over the sound of scraping forks.

His father grunted on the other side of the table. Matthias ignored him and raised his chin.

“Yep, only lost two games now,” he confirmed.

“That’s incredible, sweetheart,” she beamed, radiant even beside his empty father. Matthias smiled back.

He looked over at his sister, who was playing with her food. She’d eaten most of the steak they had cooked, but she was hesitating over the vegetables.

A sigh escaped her as she rested her head on her hand and spun her fork on the plate. It made a horrible screeching sound.

“Marika!” his father snapped. “That damages the cutlery. Just eat your food.”

The tension thickened, and his sister didn’t respond. She hung her head and stabbed her fork into the broccoli to take a bite. The next time, she stabbed her fork more aggressively into the carrot, causing it to screech again.

His father raised his head at the noise. Even knowing he was watching her, she bit harshly into the vegetable.

“Is that attitude?” His father glowered.

“She’s eating da,” Matthias cut in, staring up through his eyebrows.

“No, what she’s doing is disrespecting me,” his father slammed his fork down. The table jolted, and his mother dropped her knife. “When have I ever said this was acceptable?”

“You ask for respect,” Matthias scoffed. “But you never do anything to gain it.”

“Why don’t you repeat that boy?” His father demanded.

“Darling, why don’t we just-”

“Shut up woman,” his father spat. “I’m sick of your voice.”

“Don’t speak to her like that!” Matthias warned angrily.

“This is my house,” his father declared, standing from his spot. “I say what I please. I pay your bills, I pay for everything. Your rugby, Marika’s singing, and I pay for this goddamn food!”

With that, he flipped his plate, smearing food across the table. He stormed out of the dining room, and Matthias watched the gravy drip down the tablecloth. Nobody moved for a moment. Beside him, Matthias’s sister started shaking.

His mother finally wiped the horror off her face and stood, rushing to the kitchen for a towel. Matthias stood too and turned the plate upright. Using his napkin, he picked up the broccoli that hadn’t been eaten.

“I’m sorry,” his sister’s quiet voice quivered.

Matthias looked over. She was utterly ashamed, her shoulders were shrugged, and she was playing with the tablecloth. Matthias reached over and grabbed her plate to clean it up.

“Don’t be,” Matthias reassured. As he said this, his mother rushed back in with wipes and towels. She bore a grim smile.

“Why don’t you guys go upstairs?” She suggested. “I’ll clean this up.”

“I’ll help-”

“Matthias.”

There was something urgent in her eyes, something upsettingly hollow and empty that forced him to look away. He shook his head and grabbed his sister’s hand, leading her upstairs. How could he help her? Was there even a way?

Since the altercation with his father, Matthias had been pondering their situation. He’d never met his mother’s side of the family or even been told of a time outside of his mother and father’s marriage. It was like they had never existed without each other.

His mother didn’t have a job; their family was traditional in that way. His father slaved away corporately, and his mother cooked them dinner. But she was always encouraging Marika to seek higher education. Very insistently, Matthias noted.

But even as Matthias revisited his childhood, he never remembered it being this tense. Had there been a time when his father was family-oriented? When had it changed?

The first time he truly resented his father was when he was forced to skip a friend's birthday for rugby training. Drills with Brum.

Was it that? Brum? Was he the downfall of the Helvar family? He could barely recognise a time without it. It horrified him. Brum had started as a mentor, then a coach, then something like a God.

His da always said Brum can see what others can’t. But Matthias was beginning to wonder if there was ever anything there at all.

“Is da gonna hate me?” His sister whispered beside him again. Matthias sighed and let go of her wrist.

“Everything that our father does is not because of our actions,” Matthias told her. “He’s unhappy within himself. Unhappy people make others unhappy.”

“Why is he unhappy?” She asked now. Matthias didn’t know the answer.

“Honestly? I couldn’t tell you,” he shrugged. “But it’s not because of you.”

“Is it because of you?”

Matthias paused, faltering with his response. He certainly didn’t make his father happy, he mostly disappointed him. But was that it? Was Matthias the source of his unhappiness? Or was it because he was unfulfilled, and Matthias reminded him of that? Either way, it stabbed a hole through him.

“I don’t know,” Matthias sighed, rubbing his forehead. “Can we drop it?”

She frowned and studied him before walking into her room without another word. Matthias fought a groan and looked at the stairs. He wanted to go back down and help his mother. He refused to watch the sick routine. His father making a mess, and his mother cleaning it up.

He scaled down the stairs swiftly and walked back to the kitchen. His mother stood by the sink, cleaning the dishes and pans, placing them on the rack for drying. She was humming a soft tune that she would sing before bedtime when he was a child.

“I’ll dry,” Matthias announced behind her. She jumped as he spoke and turned around, eyes wide.

“That’s alright-”

“Ma, stop,” Matthias shushed and grabbed a cloth.

She pursed her lips but didn’t object further. They worked mostly in silence as the faint hum and cheers from the TV played from the living room.

Suddenly, there was a car pulling into the driveway. Matthias stiffened at the sound, turning to see who it was. His mother was just as confused.

There was a knock and, on cue, the TV silenced. He heard the rustling of keys and the closing of the front door. Not a word was said.

Matthias placed his cloth down and walked over to the view of the hallway. His father had certainly just left, but who was it? Matthias squinted through the transparent curtains and just made out the number plate.

Jarl Brum’s car was in his driveway. Well, it was, before it drove off.

“Who was it?” His mother's soft voice called down the hall. Matthias swallowed his anger and returned to the kitchen.

“Brum,” he muttered. His mother hummed faintly in recognition.

Now they washed and dried in complete silence until his mother spoke again.

“He’ll be back,” she muttered. Matthias paused, unsure if it was for him or herself.

“Drunk,” Matthias mumbled back.

She scoffed, affronted, and tutted him motherly. For the first time all night, he broke into a genuine smile. His mother watched as he fought a laugh and flicked some water at him.

“Hey!”

“Behave,” she warned.

A moment passed before she snorted into the sink. Matthias chuckled too, and wiped his face with his sleeve. He flicked some water back at her and she gave him a fond look.

There was a warmer quiet now, and they fell into an easy rhythm. Washing and drying.

In the height of the silence and calm, Matthias spoke, “Would you ever leave him?”

He expected an outrage, but that wasn’t his mother. Strangely, she barely flinched at the question, just continued scrubbing absentmindedly. Had she been considering this?

“I have nothing outside this family,” she told him. “I am nothing outside of hi-”

She couldn’t finish and placed her hands on the end of the sink to hang her head. A great exhale of breath came from her, and Matthias felt like he was watching her fall apart.

He reached out to wrap his mother in a hug. She rubbed his back like she used to when he was a kid and sighed. Matthias wished she would cry, but he knew she wouldn’t.

“I’ll go pro,” Matthias vowed. “I’ll get you out.”

“I cannot be your priority,” his mother mumbled in his arms. “When you and Marika become successful, my job will been done. I am fine in this house, I’ve barely left it.”

“Mam-”

“Go upstairs, Matthias,” she broke away, pointing a finger at him with a smile. “No more helping, your homework is important.”

“I don’t have any-”

“Matty-” she raised her brow. He sighed loudly and decided to give up.

Shooting one last look over his shoulder at his cleaning mother, he saw her gazing out the kitchen window.

It was then that he decided he would endure the training, the meal plans, all of the suffering of a champion, if he could just get her out.

She was right, this was all she had ever known. But it shouldn’t be, and silently, he promised it wouldn’t. Djel, as his witness, she’d escape his father.

He was determined. Beyond his passion was desperation. Matthias had a lot more on the line than most of the rich boys at his club, and it was what made him better. It was what set him apart.

Skill and talent were important, but a drive was what got you over the try line. Years ago, he was promised greatness, and now he promised to be great. For his mother and sister.

With a heavy heart, he was about to go to bed, but he reached over to his phone. He split into his second smile of the night as he saw Nina had texted.

My amazing beautiful girlfriend

Sunday 10:00 pm

Heyyyy, just your amazing beautiful girlfriend. Do you mind driving me tomorrow? I’ll buy you something for a thanks. Oh, and Inej too!

Matthias chuckled. Nina had taken his phone to change her name, and perhaps he should change back. Secretly, he didn’t want to. But if Jesper or Kaz saw, it was over.

Sunday 10:29 pm

Of course, is this going to be an every day thing?

He pathetically waited for her response.

My amazing beautiful girlfriend

Sunday 10:30 pm

Uhm… would you like it to be?

Sunday 10:31 pm

Very much.

“So… guess what I got you?” Nina probed as she entered the car.

“It better not be-”

“Late Valentine's present!”

“I don’t need shaving-” Matthias paused, looking over. Nina was holding a small basket of things. “What the-?”

Nina laughed at his reaction and lifted the basket proudly, “I made it! Because we missed Valentine's over our… You know… so I wanted to do something!”

She passed it over to him as Matthias sat, awed. The basket was perfectly fit, layered with pink tissue paper under the chocolate with some other little gifts inside. Matthias frowned and reached in.

“Is this hand cream?” He inquired suspiciously. Nina smiled sheepishly.

“Rugby makes your hands very dry,” she admitted. “That’s more for me than you.”

“Well… thanks?” Matthias laughed shortly.

Eying the chocolate, he felt bad. He would have to break the news that his diet wouldn’t allow it. But as he read the label, he realised it wasn’t necessary. “You got the protein versions!?”

“Yep,” Nina confirmed proudly. “C’mon, you were never gonna eat actual chocolate. I had to improvise.”

Matthias threw the chocolate back in the basket.

Placing his hand on the back of her seat, he leaned in and kissed her urgently. She froze in surprise, then soothed into him, humming contently. Before he could cup her face in his hand, she placed a finger on his chest and separated them.

“Thanks for the reward,” she grinned and looked forward at the road.

Matthias sighed, trying to regain his vision. Nina reached over and grabbed his basket from his lap.

“That is not your reward,” Matthias promised as he pulled away.

“Oh?” Nina winked suggestively, and Matthias flushed a bright pink.

“No, no, I meant… I’ll do something too,” he said hurriedly before shutting his mouth in defeat. Nina’s laughter filled the car, and Matthias couldn’t help but smile. “Whatever.”

On the way to Ketterdam College, Nina had informed him that there was no need to pick up Inej. She had found her own way. Matthias assumed this ‘way’ was called Kaz.

Kaz had increased the training since they rose to third on the leader board. This was fair, with Quarter finals arriving. Incredibly, none of The Dregs had complained about this. They finally had the drive to win, and Matthias was overjoyed to see it. Especially Jesper, who had actually stuck to his training.

The only thing was that his club and school training were beginning to overlap. Matthias had originally chosen his club, which Kaz seemed frankly okay with. However, recently he found the school training more beneficial.

Even without Brum staring him down with a thousand criticisms to dish out, Kaz had given each player something to work on. Matthias wasn’t in the spotlight. He was with the team.

So tonight, Matthias chose The Dregs.

“Ready for tonight, Cap?” Roeder asked behind him, grinning. Matthias laughed and knocked on his shoulder.

“Ready for Brekker? Never,” he joked and waved as Roeder ran off to catch up with someone.

“You ready, bro?” Nina mimicked in a mockingly low tone.

“Okay, okay,” Matthias drawled, fighting a smile. Nina poked his ribs.

Matthias felt himself at ease. He was especially ecstatic about training. It was always the highlight of his week.

Matthias bid goodbye to Nina as the bell rang and found his way to homeroom. The entire day proved to be a drag, as he expected. His eyes were glued to the clock, watching the seconds tick by. He wanted to be back on the field.

His fingers were constantly drumming, and his leg wouldn’t stop tapping. His restlessness was contesting Jesper. Classes were boring, lunch was spent studying, and finally, as the bell rang, Matthias sprang from his seat.

Without much thought, he bolted from the room to his locker. He grabbed his things and made his way to the change rooms. When he arrived, Jesper was already dressed.

“What? How did you get here so quickly?” Matthias asked, amazedly. “The bell rang five minutes ago.”

Jesper shrugged as he shoved things into his backpack, “When there’s a will, there’s a way.”

“You skipped.”

“Yep!” Jesper confirmed, emphasising the end. He lifted his foot to the bench and tied his shoes. Matthias scoffed and pulled his shirt over his head.

A moment later, all the rest of the boys piled in, each as eager as the other. The room grew loud and energetic, full of hyperactive boys and a developed confidence that Matthias had witnessed grow.

They spoke not just about school but tactics, statistics and the likelihood of winning. Matthias had even heard Specht remind Pim of Kaz’s advice on his form.

Once Matthias confirmed they were ready, they all filed out together onto the field. The boys were running and jumping, stretching as they naturally began their warm-up without instruction.

Matthias lifted his arms over his head to crack his back. Looking around, he noticed two distant figures.

One figure wore the usual Nike tracksuit that Nikolai sported, and occupying their supervisor, was an angry man.

“He’s not going to Girecht!” The voice bellowed. Matthias froze.

This uproar gained the attention of his fellow teammates. “I am his coach,” Brum proclaimed. “I decide! I control! He’s my player for a real league. Not some shitty kids’ rugby.”

“Matthias?” Jesper’s voice was distant. “You good?”

His vision was going white, and he was sure his face was red. Noticing Jesper had placed a hand on his shoulder, he whacked it off. He marched over in the heat of his anger. Nikolai noticed him before Brum.

“Look, I’ve got this sorted-” Nikolai raised a mediating hand. He pushed through.

“Matthias,” Brum’s dictating voice almost sent him into a frenzy. “What do you think you’re doing? Skipping training for this low-budget knock-off? What the fuck has happened to you, boy?”

“Go away,” Matthias told him through gritted teeth. “I’m not at the club for a reason.”

“A stupid reason,” Brum countered, hiding his surprise well. “A reason that will never make you a winner.”

“I have my whole life to be a winner,” Matthias grunted, frustrated emotions arising. “Give me a fucking minute.”

“Excuse me?” Brum’s eyes flashed with rage. Stepping forward, he seemed as though he was about to hit Matthias.

He would’ve taken it. He would have tolerated it if it just meant he’d go away. But a body moved swiftly between them.

Despite Matthias’s large build, he was instantly protected. Nikolai placed a hand on Brum’s shoulders and shoved him lightly. Brum weakly stumbled back nonetheless.

“Get off the property, mate,” Nikolai warned. Matthias had never seen him so serious. “I won’t ask again.”

Brum’s eyes flicked between the two of them. Anxious and nervous, Matthias felt his anger had simmered. Perhaps it was passed on to Nikolai, who raised his chin challengingly.

Brum’s car revved obnoxiously and blew gas in their faces as it sped off. Matthias wasn’t sure what to feel. But he was certain that the ordeal was a lot more detrimental than it appeared.

Matthias might’ve just lost his path to going pro.

Chapter Text

Chapter forty-six: Inej

I didn’t even book it off.

Inej shook her head disbelievingly. Desperate to be hired, she had told them that her availability was open at any time. It was boring, monotonous work. But getting her envelope of money loosened the knot in her chest each time.

She almost always worked weekends. Saturday and Sunday, without fail. The weekends paid best. Every week, she’d gotten them. Except this week.

Interesting.

“You excited?” Anika nudged her in the break room. “I feel like you live here now. You need this break more than I do.”

Inej merely shrugged, swinging her bag over her shoulder. “You’ve worked here two more years than I have,” she reminded her. “But yes, I’m excited.”

“I’d be surprised if Kaz let you miss it,” Anika said absentmindedly. “You two are attached at the hip. And you’re basically The Dregs’ agent now.”

Inej wished she hadn’t taken a sip of her water as Anika spoke. She sputtered in surprise as the water caught in her throat. Coughing ungraciously, her eyes teared up. Anika’s eyes widened before she burst into laughter.

“Which part?” Anika asked teasingly. “The agent, or attached at the hip?”

“The latter,” Inej wheezed with a scrutinising gaze. “We aren’t.”

“Are too.”

“Are-” Inej began to defend herself before her phone cut her off. “My rides here.”

“Who is it?” Anika blinked innocently.

Inej shrugged, inching away.

“Who is it Inej?”

“Kaz,” she admitted resignedly. Anika’s laugh echoed down the stairs, following Inej to the back room.

Who was she to talk? Pim and Anika weren’t just attached at the hip. They were attached at the arm, leg, and head. Possibly even going as far as to share a few brain cells.

She knew that Kaz was a constant in her day. She hadn’t remembered a day that month he hadn’t been involved in one way or another. But that was normal. Didn’t that just make him reliable? A reliable friend?

Anika’s insinuation made Inej’s stomach flip nervously as she walked toward the pouring rain. Their relationship was complicated enough without expectations being placed on them.

Inej still wasn’t sure where they stood. But it was certainly closer than before. Closer since the party, certainly. She shivered at the memory rather than the cold.

She walked out the back doors, annoyingly preparing her jacket to serve as cover from the rain. The door slammed in the wind before she could touch it.

Her eyes fell beside her at Kaz, who was leaning against the wall. Umbrella in hand. Her makeshift cover fell uselessly beside her.

Noticing her arrival, he pushed from the wall, covering them both with the umbrella.

“Let’s go,” he told her casually. Inej didn’t look away.

“I was having a cig,” he explained, eying her suspiciously. Inej huffed naturally.

“You need to stop that,” Inej shook her head, falling into her usual discontent with his choices. This was easier. But harder when her heart was pumping nervously. “It’ll kill you someday.”

“What doesn’t?” Kaz replied ominously as they settled in his car.

“Spare me,” Inej rolled her eyes at his dramatics. She almost caught his eyes before he turned away, certain a hidden smile was on his face.

“Single file!” Zoya projected her natural authoritative voice. “Your bags will all end up in the same place. Skipping the line isn’t an advantage.”

“I don’t think they heard you,” Nikolai teased, earning him a glare that Inej would scurry from.

But he just batt his eyes until she resumed her constructive yelling at the crowd. Nikolai found the view of her side profile more enticing.

“Saints, they must be doing it right?” Jesper crossed his arms beside Inej. “I don’t know if it’s gross or hot.”

“It’s gross, Jesper,” Nina cringed, disgusted. “Thanks for the image.”

“He never said imagine it,” Kaz snipped, now earning him a glare from Nina.

“Must you always be on my case?”

“Must there always be a case, darling?”

“Hey,” Matthias clipped, snaking an arm around Nina. “No pet names.”

“That’s what you defend me from?” She mumbled irritably.

Inej had resigned from meditating that day. Instead, her eyes searched for Wylan, “Do you think he’s coming?”

“He said he spoke to his da last night,” Jesper frowned, instantly knowing who she meant. “He didn’t tell me if it worked.”

Inej bit her lip in contemplation. In all honesty? She had no hope. Jesper was an optimist, but he also hadn’t heard everything. Each day, she walked with the weight that Wylan was in an abusive household, and only she and her father knew. It was eating at her, though there was little she could do.

Expulsion from Ketterdam College meant going back to Heleen’s, something she wouldn’t survive. But the minute Wylan decided to take action, she’d defend him with every fibre of her being.

“Djel! What did you pack?” Matthias cried incredulously, his arms shaking with the weight of Nina’s duffel bag. “It’s one night!”

“A lot can happen in one night, Helvar,” she winked. Matthias was disgruntled but unable to look anywhere else as she sauntered away.

“Single file line,” Zoya called, her voice somehow not straining no matter how long she yelled. “Alphabetical order.”

“What?!” Jesper and Nina both shrieked in unison. Inej was less verbal with her discontent, but her lips drew into an unhappy line.

“A four-hour drive with a random next to me?” Jesper groaned.

“K is next to J, isn’t it?” Inej pointed out. It was close to her name too. But there was no way she’d point it out.

Kaz looked to her like she’d set his house alight. 

“Yes, it is!” Jesper’s face broke into an overjoyed expression. “Thank the Saints! I forgot my headphones. Could we share-”

Underneath all of Jesper’s rambling, Inej heard Kaz’s whisper to her. “I’ve done a lot of things,” he grumbled. “Nothing to make me deserve this.”

Inej couldn’t help but snicker at the ordeal. However, she felt disappointed. An odd part of her brain had already decided that they were sitting together for the ride. She had a list of questions about rugby that she needed him to answer, as well as organisational inquiries.

It seems her role as assistant had switched from the scammers to rugby. She had questions about Bajan too. Maybe a small hopeful part of her prayed they’d talk about the party. And maybe if no one noticed, they could try again…

“Wylan?” Nina questioned hesitantly.

They all looked around for a familiar figure. Wylan, with a large backpack, held a permission slip. He looked around, helplessly searching for them. Upon spotting them, his face split into a celebratory grin.

“I can go!” He cried. They erupted into cheers.

“Quiet. Please get into the line, we have a schedule,” Zoya snapped harshly.

Nina muttered heinously about her being a buzzkill, wrapping an arm around Wylan. His bag seemed to have appeared in Jesper’s hand. Inej raised a suggestive brow and Jesper winked.

Filing onto the bus, it was surprisingly bigger than she expected. The space made the entire ride less claustrophobic than she feared. Her previous school excursions were a personal hell. No space. Shoulders touching. Tormented for the entire ride. No escape.

Shoving down the memory, she searched for the seat number given to her.

Eventually, she found that her seat partner had not yet arrived. The window seat was not ideal. Inej preferred spaces with a quick escape.

Two seats down, Kaz had settled in the aisle seat beside Jesper who was talking over him to Keeg. Inej laughed at the face Kaz was giving her.

“Tell me this isn’t your seat,” a slightly horrified voice from behind her sighed. Inej froze, realisation dawning on her quickly.

Turning and baring a toothy smile, Inej gestured Imogen in. “You can have a window,” she offered. With a scowl, Imogen shuffled in. Inej followed with an eye roll.

Imogen pressed herself so far against the wall that her face was almost squished. Down the middle, Nina and Matthias made their way past. Inej shot a tight smile in response to Nina’s horrified look.

Her eyes followed behind and spotted Jesper standing from his seat to have a better view. Inej’s face heated in finding most people were whispering and looking over. She snapped her head back around.

“Saints, why is this worth national news?” Imogen scoffed, noticing the interest too. Inej laughed, too eagerly, maybe.

“I know, right?” She shook her head. “It’s not even-”

“We don’t have to talk about it,” Imogen placed her headphones on without another glance. Inej rolled her eyes yet again. Shevrati.

Zoya filed onto the bus last. Nikolai seemed to have chosen the second transportation later that day.

Just like that, the four-hour journey began. Spirits were high, and enthusiasm spread throughout the bus. Noticeably missing Inej and Imogen.

Huffing, Inej reached into her carry-on and pulled out a book. She could ignore people too.

The bus eventually quieted into small chatter and some louder snoring. Soon, the book lost her interest, and her music became repetitive.

Sighing deeply, she leaned back into the seat and shut her eyes. With the hum of the bus and the uneven road soothing her further, she fell into an abyss.

Something harsh poked her shoulder.

“Hmph,” Inej responded, squinting at her surroundings. The hum was much louder, but the movement had stopped. The bus was parked.

“I need the bathroom,” Imogen’s irritated voice told her. “Move.”

Inej was too tired to hide her groan and eye roll. She stood from her seat and let Imogen shove past her. The back half of the bus was gone. Including her friends. Had no one thought to wake her up?

The fresh air was nice; she hadn’t realised she’d been missing it until it kissed her cheeks and entered her lungs. A wave of fried food replaced clear oxygen, and she scrunched her nose. The tranquillity was lost.

Walking down the steps, she swung her arms over her head to stretch. Her brain was still foggy, and she looked around at her scattered peers. Applying more pressure to her elbow, her arm cracked.

“Ew, I hate when you do that,” Nina appeared beside her. Her eyes were glazed, too. She must’ve just woken up.

“Hey beauty queens,” Jesper called from a picnic table they’d claimed. “Got those extra hours?”

“Rich coming from a guy whose snoring rivalled the bus engine,” Kaz snapped, looking fed up with his seat partner already.

“How far do we have?” Inej asked, fighting a yawn. Sitting beside Wylan, he looked as though he wished he’d gotten some sleep.

“Two more hours,” Kaz spoke, not looking up from a folder he was analysing.

“Don’t like your seat partner?” Jesper nudged. It was teasing, but concern was etched in his eyes.

“If she’s given you trouble…” Nina began.

Inej placed a hand on Nina’s arm, giving her a look. She quieted at the gesture, and Inej noticed Kaz’s eyes flickering back down.

“We’ve barely talked,” Inej shrugged. “Should’ve seen it coming though. We were right next to each other for school photos.”

In all honesty, Inej’s opinion of Imogen was very scarce. She knew how Imogen felt about her, the rumours always circled back. But the most Inej had heard about her was from other people. From her experiences, these were not reliable sources.

Sure, she certainly disliked the way Wylan was treated by them, though her motives were unclear. Inej refused to let something as petty as hate find its way into her heart for a girl she barely knew.

“They didn’t have any hot dogs left,” Matthias grumbled, returning from the food stand. “I got hamburgers instead.”

“No pickles?” Nina confirmed. Matthias nodded. Sitting down, he pulled out three packages.

“Who’s the third one for?”

“Me?” Matthias frowned, looking as though it was obvious. Nina began muttering about wanting a second too and enviously looked over at Matthias, inhaling his meal.

“Wylan?” Jesper waved his hand in front of the dozing boy. “Why don’t we get something while we’re stopped? My treat?”

The response he got was barely human, but they eventually left. Inej sat across from Kaz, who was scribbling notes in the margins, unaware of her attention.

She looked from Matthias and Nina, sharing their chips to Jesper and Wylan waiting in line. Clearing her throat, she tapped his papers.

“You want anything?” Inej asked, tilting her head. Channelling Jesper, she added, “My treat?”

He stared up through his eyebrows. “No,” he said and went back to his writing. Inej scoffed.

“No thanks, would be nice,” she grumbled, instantly bothered.

There was a smack against the table, and she looked over. His wallet was placed between them. “If you want something,” Kaz emphasised. Still, he didn’t look up.

“I got it, thanks,” Inej snapped, perhaps too harshly. She wasn’t sure why, but she was outraged at his actions. Maybe with an echo of embarrassment too.

It's true that Anika’s words about Kaz and Inej’s ‘intimacy’ had effectively entered her skull. Was it a delusion to believe that it was beyond just teasing? That maybe Anika genuinely believed there was something there?

Either way, she wasn’t sure how to act anymore. Should she push for something or leave things be? If she pushed for more, how could she? She wasn’t experienced enough to know how. Leaving things as they were seemed to be the answer. He was more interested in his booklet than spending five minutes with her anyway.

“A cheeseburger please,” Inej ordered dimly, sliding her money over. She refused to take Kaz’s wallet, spitefully. Even with her attempts to save money.

“That’ll be five minutes,” the man smiled, handing her a number.

“Inej!” Someone behind her called. “Or should I call you assistant coach now?”

Roeder was leaning beside the truck, flicking his ticket in his hand. “Roeder,” Inej greeted politely. “I don’t think we should demote Lanstov more than he already has been.”

He laughed, “I’m sure he’d be more overjoyed than insulted.”

Inej considered, shrugging. It was hard to disagree.

He laughed again, and Inej decided it was best to join in. She wasn’t sure why he was talking to her. Usually, The Dregs found themselves only talking to her as a group. Jesper said it was because they were intimidated, and Inej strongly rebuked this idea.

“So… you excited for the game?” Inej quickly filled the awkward silence about to unfold.

“Majorly,” Roeder perked up at the mention of rugby. “This feels so much more professional, with the travel and the fans. It’s like the real deal.”

“True,” Inej nodded, praying for her food to hurry up. “I must say, Kaz was able to convince Van Eck to invite more people than I thought.”

“Mhm, don’t know how he does it,” Roeder shook his head. “But I’m glad fans are here. Especially our number one.”

He aimed the last part directly towards her. She smiled and shifted awkwardly onto her other leg. “Just glad I could make it.”

“Alright, students,” Zoya’s naturally bellowing voice said. “Take your food on the bus if you haven’t finished. The break is over, we’re on a timeline.”

“Damn, I just ordered,” Roeder muttered. They got their food together and made their way into the line forming onto the bus. Nina was scanning the crowd for her. Upon spotting her, she pointed and waved.

“That break was so short,” she immediately complained.

“That’s because you slept for most of it,” Matthias reminded her. She swatted his arm.

“No, I agree,” Roeder joined in. Wylan, Jesper, and Kaz turned around. “Me and Inej didn’t even get to eat in the fresh air.”

“Pity,” Kaz muttered. Inej narrowed her eyes.

Roeder spotted Rotty waving him over, “See you there, I guess. Enjoy the burger Inej.” He jogged off.

“Enjoy the burger, Inej,” Nina mimicked in a deep and flirtatious tone.

“Shut up,” Inej snorted, ignoring the eyes of the rest of the group.

Getting back to her seat, the devil beside her was already seated. She tried another smile that went ignored. Inej officially gave up being courteous.

“You know it won't get any better.” Inej almost jumped in surprise as she spoke. Almost.

“I don’t know what you're talking about,” Inej responded, genuinely confused. It must be about Kaz.

“He’s not going to get any nicer. He’s not going to talk to you more,” Imogen continued, head remaining forward. “He’s going to give you the bare minimum and then ditch you.”

Inej bit her cheek in annoyance. Who was she to say anything? She’d barely spoken to Kaz. What did she know?

“Nice hypothesis,” Inej told her. Imogen shifted her head toward her slightly, still unable to look.

“Nina didn’t tell you?” Imogen asked a layer of surprise hidden in it.

Inej narrowed her eyes, unsure of what ploy was being set up here. “Again, I don’t know what-”

“Me and Kaz dated,” Imogen informed her, satisfaction leaking from her face. “He gave me his rugby number to wear and everything. We were the talk of the school for a while. You think I spoke of him that way without any history behind it?”

Inej failed to hide her shock. Dated? No one had told her this. Kaz had always been a subject of girls' interests, but she assumed this never came to fruition. But the worst girl possible had been successful. Inej felt silly. She’d assumed Imogen was just lovesick.

“Then, nothing,” Imogen shrugged. “He left without another word to me. Don’t think you're going to be any different. Don’t think he’ll change. You won’t survive Kaz Brekker if you do.”

Then she put her headphones back on, leaving Inej slightly stunned and bewildered. She wasn’t sure whether to believe a thing that was just said. But why would Imogen tell her something that could so easily be proven wrong? She didn’t gloat, merely warned.

Inej had always tried to see the best in Kaz. After all, he’d gone out of his way to help her many times before. And despite his claims, it was done quite selflessly.

The way he acted at Pim’s party further softened her criticisms of him. She’d believed that she knew more than most, but Imogen had proved again she’d barely skimmed the surface.

Turning in her seat, she looked behind and down the aisle. Kaz was still writing and sketching on his papers. Brows furrowed in concentration. She usually adored his concentration face, but something uneasy arose instead.

She really didn’t know the first thing about him.

He knew so much more about her than she did him. That didn’t make her endearing; it made her vulnerable. She swallowed sharply.

Realising someone was watching him, he looked up. Snapping her eyes away, she twisted back into her seat properly. Inej couldn’t find the peace to fall asleep again.

Chapter Text

Chapter forty- seven: Kaz

What the fuck was that?

Kaz hadn’t been able to concentrate the entire bus ride since her.

He’d seen that look in the eyes of almost every person he’d met. It was something he’d grown used to, expectant of. But never had he seen it etched so plainly on Inej’s face.

It’s what intrigued him at first, it’s what set her apart from everyone in The Emerald Palace the night he first saw her. Never had she looked at him in such fear.

Caution? Yes. Uncertainty? Yes. Intimidation? Maybe. But never the cold look of fear. And he had no idea why. Why now?

The bus ride was supposed to be spent on strategies and placements. Instead, it was spent staring at the back of her seat, willing her to turn back around. To confirm what was in her eyes.

Her eyes couldn’t look like that. He’d seen the galaxy in them once. 

He blamed Imogen.

What had she told her? There were a million things that she could’ve said to have deterred her. His actions of the past, his illegal activities in school, and his illegal activities outside of school. However, these were all rumours, and Inej stubbornly refused to believe rumours. So she must’ve told her something true, impossible to deny.

Perhaps their situation in year eight. But why would that make Inej scared? He’d rather see her angry and frustrated with him than scared.

“Kaz, have you downloaded any other songs?” Jesper mumbled beside him. “This loop is getting boring.”

“Get your own headphones then,” he snapped impatiently. It was quite harsh. Jesper blew a low breath to confirm it was.

“Just asking,” Jesper sighed and closed his eyes. Kaz needed him to fall asleep again or he’d strangle him.

Turn around. Turn around. Turn-

“Students,” Zoya stood from her seat. Kaz realised they’d arrived. How much time had passed? How had he lost track of it so easily?

“We’ll start at the back. Please wait on the sidewalk, we don’t want to crowd,” Zoya announced. “We’ll also need assistance in unloading the bags.”

“Kaz,” Jesper coughed. “It’s our row.”

Kaz looked behind him and noticed that it was empty. Without another word, he stood and started down the aisle.

His eyes were glued to her seat, the one he’d grown quite used to staring at. As he got closer, he saw her stiffen, as though she knew he was coming. But as he passed, she tilted her head away. What the fuck?

Imogen was looking instead. A faint hint of a smile.

He knew it.

Sending her a sneer, he looked away and continued down.

“So, I’m thinking…” Jesper reminded Kaz he was behind him. “After the game, I sneak Wylan out to the pier. Buy him some ice cream, that we share of course, and then pop the question.”

“What is this, a proposal?” Nina snorted, alerting Kaz she was there too. What was happening? Why was he getting so surprised?

“Close to it,” Jesper nodded, unembarrassed. “This needs to be special, not like my other…”

“Ventures?” Matthias offered.

“Fucks?” Nina said instead. Jesper nodded to Nina.

Inej finally exited the bus, finding Wylan quickly too. Her eyes were cast downwards, walking beside Wylan, who spoke erratically. Kaz almost naturally dipped his head down too, attempting to see her eyes. Was he going insane?

They stopped as a figure dove in their pathway before she reached him. An unfamiliar feeling washed over him.

“Roeder has been speaking to Inej a lot recently,” Nina noted, noticing what Kaz had.

He noticed this too, but Nina hadn’t been there for the conversation at Pim’s house, making his association much more concerning. Clearly, Roeder took his warning as banter.

“Djel, didn’t he just get out of a relationship?” Matthias sighed, bewildered.

“Matthias yet again stumped at the prospect of dating,” Jesper sighed, slapping his arm.

“Yet, I’m in a relationship and you’re not,” Matthias countered, sliding a proud arm over smiling Nina. He hit a nerve as Jesper began muttering angrily.

“Just you wait,” he said villainously. Kaz didn’t take his eyes off Roeder's back, covering Inej.

He wasn’t sure what this feeling was. It was impatience, surely. She was close to arriving by his side before she was halted. But it was more frustrating than that. Maybe it was the irritation that he didn’t know what they were saying.

Or that Roeder was speaking to her before he could. Or that Kaz heard Inej’s laugh but couldn’t see it over Roeder’s back. He got to see her smile, and Kaz didn’t.

It felt unfair, like he had been cheated. Though Inej’s laughing wasn’t reserved for only him to hear, it still gave a weird feeling. Frustration, impatience, and a tinge of anger. But it was something more than that.

“Kaz?” Nina spoke again. “If you stare any harder, they might think you’re jealous.”

Jealous?

“Jealous?” Kaz mocked with an unimpressed look.

Nina scanned his face, seeming to hold in a laugh. A glint in her eyes almost looked like pity. Something strangely defensive arose.

He wanted to rebut that Roeder didn’t pose much of a threat, but it sounded too close to admitting he was jealous. And that wasn’t the case.

“Roeder just wants to tick off a roster,” Kaz informed her casually. “Inej is smart enough to know this.”

“She finds him funny, though,” Matthias added pointlessly. “I can hear her laugh-”

“That’s not her real laugh,” Kaz snapped excessively, letting his defensive side get the best of him.

The crazed feeling inside had seized control momentarily. Quickly, he gained it back. But not before the consequences.

Unfortunately or not, Nina, Jesper, and Matthias weren’t laughing. They became rather skittish and uncomfortable. This was worse.

Looking away from them, he seemed to have gained the attention of others around, too. How irrationally had he just acted?

“What’s up?” Inej appeared beside them, earning some jumps and flinches from the others. Kaz looked away.

“What did Roeder want?” Nina asked, her tone laced with hesitancy. Kaz uncomfortably dug his cane further into his hand.

“Wanted to know if we were staying overnight or catching the late-night bus,” Wylan responded instead. “Well, he asked Inej, technically.”

Nina didn’t dignify them with a response, and he could feel a blanket of awkwardness thrown over them. Wylan laughed in surprise at the abrupt end to the conversation, “Did someone’s dog just die?”

“Wylan, why don’t we get your bag?” Jesper asked, his voice more enthusiastic than Nina’s.

“I already got-”

“Mine then!” And they stumbled off together.

“Suppose you’ll need to get yours?” Inej asked Nina and Matthias. Her voice was tight. Why was it tight? She didn’t know the context of the awkwardness. Or was it from her fearful look at him on the bus?

“Do you need yours, Kaz?” Matthias asked. Kaz finally looked over and gave and sharp shake of his head.

“I’ll get it later,” he said. “After everyone.”

Not only did he not want to be around Nina and Matthias at that moment, but the thought of the pushing shoulders of the crowd desperate to get their luggage unnerved him. He’d wait until it thinned. The two walked off, and surprisingly, Inej stayed. Unspoken.

They stood in coated silence. She was usually good at comfortable quiet, but this was forced. So talkative this morning, now not a word exited her mouth. His mind racked for what occurred in between.

“You paid for your burger then?” Kaz asked, poking at an unnecessary mystery. She didn’t look at him. Not even an eye roll

“Yep,” she nodded. His jaw clenched. That’s all?

He didn’t want to break the silence twice; it felt like giving her a power she already had in that moment. So they stood quietly, looking as the crowd thinned.

“There are only two bags left,” Inej said after a while. “You can probably go now.”

“I suppose I should,” Kaz said without making a move.

Inej finally looked to him, but he didn’t return it. Her eyes burned the side of his face, and curiosity was eating at him. Did she have the same look of fear again?

“It was cruel,” Inej told him suddenly. “How you ended it with Imogen.”

Knew it.

“I think you should take the late-night bus home Inej,” he told her, then walked over to grab his bag.

The stadium was thumping above them. The scent of sweat, rubber, and anticipation filtered through the changing rooms.

These club establishments were more pristine and refined than The Dregs were used to. Club rooms, especially ones that held league tournaments, were chambers for kings.

The team sensed it, Kaz knew they had. Confidence and assurance exuded from them. It should be riveting.

“Kaz, what’s up?” Lanstov's easy voice pulled him from his mind. “Don’t think we’ll win?”

Why do they always ask me this? As though his word was law.

“We haven’t won against black tips before,” Kaz reminded him. Nikolai narrowed his eyes.

“But that’s not what you're thinking.”

No, it wasn’t. He should’ve sorted it out before this. Ensure his head was in the game as much as the players.

He’d scrutinised Jesper and Matthias’s inability to stay in the game when their lives were aflame. And here he sat thinking of Inej. For all his self-righteousness, he stumbled all the same.

“It’s what I should be thinking,” Kaz replied. More to himself. Once he got onto the field, he was certain of one thing. Rugby would be the only thing on his mind.

But a disgusting, repressed, and pathetic part of him didn’t want to go out because of it. He didn’t want Inej to filter from his mind before he knew how to fix what was wrong between them. It was unfinished business. Kaz hated unfinished business.

He wouldn’t think of Inej as his team passed the try line. He wouldn’t gesture to her as he got a point like Jesper. Nor would he be distracted by her gaze for the entire game. He wouldn’t call out into the stadiums to apologise like Matthias.

Like she deserved, perhaps.

Kaz wouldn’t do any of that. No matter how much would be solved if he could. No matter how much she deserved a declaration like that.

“I think you should take the late-night bus home Inej.”

Cruelty was his natural response. It should be Inej’s fault that she believed it wouldn’t include her. But it wasn’t. Kaz had offered her something that he’d never offered anyone else.

He wished he’d held her hand and told her to stay. But Inej confirmed to Nina she was taking the late-night bus back. There was little waiting for him after the game was finished.

“Dregs! Warm up in three,” Nikolai called to the rabid animals that were their team. He turned back to Kaz, “Got a girl on your mind?”

It was teasing, but horrifyingly accurate. Kaz had sworn against and ridiculed lovesick boys like Matthias, whose mind was on a constant repeat of Nina. But now, without even realising it, Inej had nested into his.

“What do you think, Lanstov?” Kaz grumbled with a quizzical look. He huffed in response.

“I think for all your practice of stoicism,” he said, standing. “You’re cracking underneath it.”

“And for what it's worth,” Kaz retaliated with a hint of venom. “I think your laziness as a coach is because of the embarrassment at the failure when you tried.”

Nikolai’s smile didn’t even falter, “We’ll wait for you out there, Kaz.”

He exited the doors behind their bustling team. Kaz was left with his thoughts.

His whiteboard rested on his leg beside him, with his cane on the other. He rose from his seat and left his things behind as he walked over to the bathroom. Splashing water on his face, he gripped the sides of the sink.

There was no rushing water, only dripping. He hung his head and listened. It was erratic, no rhythm. It calmed him.

The droplets hung from the hair that covered his eyes. It was overdue for a cut. But Kaz hadn’t found the time to do it.

Wiping the lingering droplets from his face, he turned the tap off. He zipped his jacket to the top, flexed his fingers, wiped his face, and rolled his shoulders. When that wasn’t enough, he slapped his cheek.

Inej’s distant laugh stung his ears like a headache. With shaking hands, he grabbed the whiteboard and left his cane behind. He welcomed the pain his leg would give him.

His feet took him to the door leading to the gateway. Flicking the light off, he didn’t look back. Leaving the comfort of the room, loud shouts and cheering cascaded down the hall.

Amplified voices echoed, unidentifiable and constant. Finding his team, he shut his eyes, allowing one last memory of Inej to fade in and out of his mind.

“Alright, Dregs!” Kaz shouted to the team. “One shot at this! Let's go!”

With that, the cheering of his team overpowered the stands. He watched them sprint through the tunnel into the opening. A chorus of cheers and boos followed them.

Kaz walked out slowly with his sideline team. As the booming lights illuminating the field reached Kaz’s face, his mind smoothed. His vision narrowed onto the field.

“Let’s fucking go!” Jesper shouted, voice hoarse and raspy.

They’d won by five points.

“Who are we?!”

“Dregs, Dregs, Dregs!”

“What do we do?”

“Win, win, win!”

“Hey, guys!” Matthias's voice sliced through the noise. “Who do we have to thank for making it to the semi-finals?!”

“Our coach!” They all cheered.

Kaz was leaning against the wall, arms crossed, giving his burning leg a much-needed break. A crooked grin found its way onto his lips.

They continued to cheer, banging the lockers like drums and swinging their shirts like animals. But it was electric. The Dregs had never gotten this far. Ever. Not even when they were relatively good.

“What’s the chance of this energy dimming once we reach the cabins?” Nikolai hissed beside him.

“Close to zero.”

“Like two per cent?”

“Like negative two per cent.”

He sucked in a shuddering breath, but Kaz didn’t buy it. Nikolai was jumping for joy after the siren had blown. Even Zoya was seen smiling while he was doing it. Which Nina had pointed out was less likely than Kaz smiling.

“Alright, kids!” Nikolai shouted rather pointlessly. “Bus leaves in thirty!”

“Dregs! Dregs!” They chanted. Kaz watched smugly as Nikolai failed to calm down the energy radiating off the walls.

To preserve his eardrums, he left soon after. The air was cold now. No longer could Kaz rely on the fire of the game to keep him warm. He took his gloves from his pockets and put on his second jacket. He spotted her scarf before her.

“Coach Kaz!” Nina shouted with an uncommon cheerfulness in saying his name. “Winner, winner! How does it feel?”

Kaz shoved his cane under his arm and pulled his gloves on. “Can I say unsurprised?”

“Nope. Please, just something that doesn't make me wanna smack you,” Nina countered, still with a twinge of excitement.

He looked up, his eyes catching Inej’s. She stood leaning against the brick wall of the stadium. Her scarf pulled around her neck in its usual way, her mouth barely peeking out. Brown, almost black eyes stared right into him, now free of the fear that had previously encased them. Creased like they did whenever she smiled. Her scarf, unfortunately, hiding the sight.

“I feel good,” Kaz replied, never looking away from Inej.

Her creased eyes widened for a moment. The lights of the field were making them glisten, as though they sparkled. Her hair was messy and blowing helplessly in the wind. She was breathtaking.

“Well… I might go find Wylan then,” Nina’s voice was thick with a smile. “Bus leaves in thirty.”

“The first one does,” Kaz reminded her. The late-night bus. The bus Inej was going to take. The one he didn’t want her to. The one he told her to.

Nina began muttering about Kaz always correcting her and wandered away.

With much effort, he tilted his head to the other side of the field lit by fairy lights hung from the trees. Some people had moved to sit underneath, but it was more private than where they were. “Let’s talk.”

“I think you mean, can we talk?” Inej corrected, not moving from the wall. Kaz's lip twitched upward.

“Can we talk?”

Chapter Text

Chapter forty-eight: Wylan

So desperate to see him?

Wylan ridiculed himself. This was embarrassingly eager.

He was situated down the hallway of the change rooms, listening to the riot on the other side of the wall. It had been fifteen minutes since Wylan had snuck away, rather obviously, from Nina and Inej.

A loud shriek made Wylan jump.

It was bewildering. He reminisced about his previous distaste of Jesper for the same reasons that now enthralled him now. Neither of them had changed, but something had. It took him an upsettingly long time to realise it. He wondered if Jesper had too.

It didn’t matter anyway. Wylan would tell him tonight. He’d already decided that this trip presented the perfect opportunity. It was almost too good to be true.

He went so far as to strike a deal with his father, agreeing to draft and write out the wedding invitations for Alys. It was a sadistic punishment, specially crafted for him.

But it was worth it. Something he never thought he’d say, standing in a body-odour-scented tunnel with screaming and sweaty rugby players down the hall.

“What are you doing?” Someone asked. Wylan looked behind him and spotted a Black Tip player lingering in the hallway.

“I’m… just waiting,” Wylan pointed down the hallway.

“Supporters wait outside,” the boy pushed. “Get out.”

“It will only be a second.”

“Wylan?” Someone else called from the rowdy locker room. Wylan jumped to attention as he saw Nikolai. “What are you doing out here?”

“Um… waiting for Jesper?” Wylan explained. The Dregs began exiting from behind him.

“He’s getting iced. Why don’t you come in?” Nikolai waved him over. Wylan shot a final look at the nosy player as he left.

“This guy bothering you?” Specht nodded to the Black Tip player. Wylan faltered in his steps, unsure whether to entertain whatever was about to happen.

“Why don’t you fuck off, Specht?” The Black Tip spat. How do they know each other?

“Crawl back into the hole you weaselled out of Geels,” Rotty joined, taking a spot in front of Wylan.

Geels’s face rippled with anger. Something about his build told Wylan he knew a thing or two about fighting. He swallowed harshly.

“Alright, boys, calm down,” Nikolai mediated, still holding open the door. “We don’t pick on old scholars.”

Oh, Geels. Wylan remembered him now.

He attended Ketterdam College up until that year. He had been kicked out for dealing in out-of-bounds areas. Not just any dealings, illegal kinds. He’d heard whispers of Kaz being involved, but nothing could be confirmed, and no punishment was administered.

It was yet another Kaz Brekker talent to have everyone certain he was responsible with no evidence he was. Geels had not taken this lightly.

And now his new rugby team had just lost to The Dregs.

“Geels, it’s over, just let it go,” Specht shrugged, smugness thick in his voice. “Losers- sorry, I mean, you go first.”

The three moved aside to let him out ahead of them. Geels’s nose flared and his features highlighted under the fluorescent lights causing him look close to repulsive.

Instead of taking their offer, he spun on his heel and went the opposite way. The sound of snickering boys followed behind him.

“Don’t let a guy as slimy as that pick on you,” Dirix chuckled, slapping Wylan’s arm, sending him into the wall.

“He’s coming!” Nikolai grabbed Wylan’s attention back. He was yelling at whom he assumed was an impatient Jesper.

Nikolai moved aside as Wylan entered, immediately spotting Jesper attempting to hop woefully to the door. Rushing forward, he grabbed Jesper's arm to stabilise him.

“What are you doing?” Wylan cried in exasperation. “Sit down if you’re injured!”

“Oh,” Jesper said pleasantly. “I was coming to see you. You took too long. Also, not injured.”

“Also, yes, you are,” Nikolai shot from behind him. He pointed a finger at Wylan with one hand on the closing door. “Make sure he ices it for ten minutes!”

“Yes… Sir?” Wylan frowned as he saluted instinctively.

The door slammed shut, and Wylan became attuned to the fact that Jesper's entire body was leaning onto his. “Where… do I put you?”

Jesper's chest shook as he chuckled into him, “Put me? Like I’m a thing?”

Wylan rolled his eyes and made the executive decision to guide him toward the medic bed. “You’re acting like I objectified you.”

“You can objectify me whenever you please,” Jesper knocked his hip into him, winking. Consequently, he hissed in pain and keeled over.

Wylan realised how truly unfit he was as he began to heave with all of Jesper’s body weight resting against him. With a final push, Jesper was back on the bed and placed the ice pack on his upper thigh. Shutting his eyes, Jesper’s eyes fluttered closed. Wylan tried not to stare.

“What happened?”

“A Black Tip scuffed me with his boots,” Jesper told him, opening one eye to look. “Heard of Geels?”

“Yes, very recently,” Wylan nodded, leaning on the headrest. “There was a… altercation outside.”

“Is that what that was?” Jesper sat up, wincing as he did. “I was gonna come out.”

“Stop moving,” Wylan rolled his eyes. “And Specht talked enough shit for Geels to leave me alone.”

“Geels talked to you?” Jesper asked urgently. There was an unnecessary intensity in his eye, frantically trying to read his face. His concern was redundant and only succeeded in warming Wylan’s stomach.

“I’m fine,” Wylan muttered quietly, dropping his head. If Jesper kept looking at him like that, well, he wasn’t sure what to do.

They fell silent, the changing rooms finally freed from volume. It was eerie. He could almost hear the echoes of them, ghosts of winning cheers. However, that paled in comparison to his loud beating heart and Jesper’s deep breathing. What was happening?

“Do you want a cloth?” Wylan asked, unable to look. “You might get frostbite if the icepack isn’t covered.”

“Just stay here,” Jesper reached out, his voice quiet and warm. Wylan shivered, catching his gaze again, piercing and determined. Swallowing all his nerves, he made his decision.

“Jesper-” Wylan began, shutting his eyes, praying for Nina’s confidence and Inej’s eloquence. “For a while now… I’ve had- I have these feelings…”

“Stop!” Jesper cried out, sitting up in a sudden movement.

Wylan went bright red with humiliation. His eyes widened in horror, his mouth snapped shut, and his throat began tightening. Was this rejection? Every pore in his body seeped with regret. The growing hope in his chest had crashed down.

Why didn’t he just keep his feelings to himself? Why did you think Jesper liked you? Just because you told him a sob story? Wylan backed away awkwardly, praying the ceiling would collapse on him.

Jesper noticed his slow retreat, and something even more desperate crossed over his face. “Wait! Fuck, I didn’t mean…” Jesper raised his hands to stop Wylan.

Jesper released the biggest sigh Wylan had ever heard from him. Shutting his eyes again, he laid back. “Fuck, this was not how it was supposed to go,” Jesper groaned with a frustration Wylan wasn’t comprehending.

Wylan closed his eyes, too. He would be the bigger person; there was no reason he should throw away a good friendship for misplaced feelings.

“Look, Jesper,” Wylan cleared his throat. “I’m really sorry, that was inappropriate-”

“Saints Wylan!” Jesper didn’t seem to appreciate the reconciliation attempt. “Stop!”

Something indignant in Wylan gave him a spike of confidence. “I messed up, Jesper! Fine,” Wylan exclaimed irritably. “But I’m trying to be mature and fix it! There’s no reason we can’t be friends!”

“Friends,” Jesper groaned, a raw sound that was completely distressed. “I can’t be your friend, Wylan.”

The ceiling had collapsed now. He’d never felt weight like this, an emotion so consuming that Wylan lost the ability to breathe. He’d naively believed that rejection was the worst that could come from this.

But now? He’d lost one of the most important people in his life because of his stupid feelings. His eyes stung with something more than embarrassment. Devastation. He turned away.

This was a short gasp of pain, and Wylan spun around to see Jesper hanging half out of the bed.

“What are you doing?!” Wylan cried.

“Trying to get to you!” Jesper bit back angrily. “You were ignoring me!”

Wylan hadn’t realised Jesper was talking. “Sorry, you ending the friendship kinda sent me for a loop,” Wylan rebutted with equal frustration.

“I didn’t-”

“Shut up and sit down,” Wylan ordered. Jesper begrudgingly listened, and Wylan marched off to find a cloth.

When he returned, Jesper looked at him in terror. Like he was the scariest thing Jesper had ever encountered. Wylan rolled his eyes. This was too much.

He should’ve known this would be his reaction. Jesper was dramatic in every aspect of his life. Why was this to be different?

“Your skin is getting irritated,” Wylan tossed him the ice pack again. Jesper sighed in relief as he stretched out his leg again. Wylan watched, feeling suddenly awkward again. He prepared to leave.

“Where are you going?” Jesper asked sadly.

“Leaving,” Wylan shrugged, not turning around. “I’ll get Nikolai.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why are you leaving?”

Wylan scoffed and threw up his hands in complete frustration. “Why do you think?!” He cried, emotion built in his chest. “You not only rejected me but unfriended me too!”

“I didn’t reject you,” Jesper grumbled behind him. Wylan’s patience thinned.

“Goodbye, Jesper.”

“Wait!”

Wylan didn’t stop.

“I do like you!” Jesper pleaded. Wylan paused.

“You’re just saying that,” he sighed.

“I’m not!” Jesper almost begged. “I just didn’t want to do this in a sweaty locker room.”

“Do what?” He despised the hesitantly hopeful sound of his voice.

“Can you turn around? I wanna see you.”

“Why?”

“Because maybe I like your stupid face!” Jesper cried.

Jesper’s patience had snapped now, too. Wylan regretfully spun around, giving in. Jesper was closer than he realised, leaning on the seats placed around the lockers. If he went any further, he’d have been crawling to him.

“I like you, Wylan!” Jesper shouted, his face scrunched in discomfort. “So much! Too much. I wanted it to be special. To be different from all the other pointless people I’ve asked out. I just didn’t know how to make sure you knew it was different. I had this whole stupid plan…”

“Plan,” Wylan echoed in a breathless state.

“Yeah,” Jesper sighed resignedly. “I was going to wake you up in the morning and take you somewhere nice, like the pier. Maybe buy you an early breakfast or something. I wanted to make it count. I only freaked out because this shitty locker room isn’t what you deserve. You deserve something nicer.”

“Oh,” was all Wylan could say.

“Yeah, oh,” Jesper mimicked, in slow movement, he took a seat on the bench.

Wylan remained by the door, listening to the wind whistle down the tunnel and nothing more. The room had opened up, and Wylan could feel himself growing taller.

Jesper, on the opposite side, looked destroyed. He hung his head in something Wylan was familiar with. Shame.

“I like you too,” Wylan added quietly.

Jesper huffed out a laugh, “Really?”

Wylan rolled his eyes and left the whistling tunnels behind him. “And I do feel special.”

Jesper looked up reluctantly, his eyes following Wylan as he sat beside him. “Even in this stench?” Jesper whispered, half-smiling.

Wylan let Jesper cross into his proximity. “I would anywhere,” he promised earnestly. “You’re doing it right.”

Jesper nodded in relief, leaning his head on the locker door behind him. They were close. As close as they were on those swings. But not close enough. Wylan’s head inched forward. “What do we do?”

Jesper laughed that musical sound Wylan adored. “I’ll take you out,” Jesper promised with a smile. “Properly.”

“You’ll buy me breakfast?” Wylan added teasingly, resting his head close to Jesper’s. His eyes are unable to stop flickering down to his lips.

“I will,” Jesper nodded, his eyes running over Wylan’s face. “We can watch the sunrise… or the sunset. I’m not good with mornings.”

“But you were going to wake up early tomorrow,” Wylan pointed out, withholding a smirk.

Jesper flashed his teeth and lifted his hand, trailing it around the back of Wylan’s neck. His hand was cold from the icepack, and Wylan shivered under his touch. They were almost close enough now, their noses touching slightly.

“Only to see you,” Jesper murmured.

Wylan grew impatient.

He closed the gap between them, Jesper’s eyelashes grazing Wylan’s cheek as they fluttered closed. Just like that, nothing else mattered. The uncomfortable bench, the smell of odour, the frozen sensation of Jesper’s hand. There was only his lips. Unlike his hands, they were warm. The fire in Wylan’s chest grew ablaze.

Wylan wasn’t sure what he was doing. But his hand came up to Jesper’s cheek. In response, Jesper leaned forward but hissed as he did. Wylan broke apart, noticing Jesper’s other hand was gripping his thigh.

“Your icepack fell off,” Wylan exhaled, trying to keep a tone of command under his hazy mind.

Jesper didn’t look away from him, “I don’t care.”

Snaking his other hand around Wylan, Jesper slid him across the bench so their legs were touching. He kissed him again.

Chapter Text

Chapter forty-nine: Inej

I’m not breaking first.

Inej tapped her leg, sitting on a bench with a reasonable distance between her and Kaz.

It was a horrifically romantic setting, with fairy lights illuminating the trees and faint pumping music from the rugby club across the oval. Worst of all, they sat on a wooden bench that overlooked it all.

Most people had left the area, giving Inej and Kaz much-needed privacy. An intimacy they had not yet acknowledged.

Without moving her head, she darted her eyes to Kaz, who was rubbing his leg methodically.

“Why didn’t you have your cane for the match?” She asked. Then she cursed herself for being the one to start the conversation.

Something chirped behind them, crickets again, it seemed. Inej looked to the glistening field as their seclusion from all others dawned on her. It was only Inej and Kaz.

“The pain helps me focus.”

It was the most ridiculous thing she’d ever heard. Firstly, something as distracting as the pain did the opposite for Kaz. And second, that Kaz could ever be absent-minded on a rugby field. What could possibly be more fixating than a quarter-final?

“Ah,” Inej acknowledged.

Her hands were clenched in little fists at the start of her knee. Despite everything surrounding her exuding comfort, she was on edge like never before. The wind whipped her cheek, sending goosebumps up her arms. She nuzzled deeper into her scarf.

“What did you want to talk about, Kaz?” Inej murmured.

His head tilted toward her in recognition of her words. She was surprised. Her voice was barely above a whisper and was muffled by fabric.

“I’m curious,” he rasped, surprisingly uncertain. “Of what Imogen told you.”

Inej supposed she could have guessed that. A whistle from the wind spoke before her, giving her the oxygen to raise her voice. “You dated,” Inej began, hearing a huff beside her. “And you ended it cruelly.”

“We never dated,” Kaz immediately confirmed. “Officially, anyhow.”

Inej furrowed her brows; he still hadn’t told her all of it.

“But you ended… whatever it was… badly,” she finished for him. Her voice contained a hint of disdain. Disliking Imogen was easy, despite her efforts not to engage with her. But Inej still felt an unwelcome frustration on her behalf.

Kaz didn’t confirm it, but his silence gave her the answer she needed. A heavy feeling settled in her heart. All this effort to get a simple confession out of him, something that, in the grand scheme of things, had little importance.

What else was he withholding from her? Would she ever know anything about him? She tried to think of the bathroom at Madeline’s party.

“Pekka Rollins killed my brother,” he’d said before giving her his name with permission to search him up. But Inej hadn’t. She didn’t want the internet to give her the truth; she wanted it to be Kaz.

A secret for a secret, that’s what she believed they’d exchanged. Never wanting him to feel vulnerable, she always told him something in return.

But in her efforts to ensure he didn’t feel exposed, she’d given him more than he had her. There was something unbalanced about them now.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Inej whispered. Not just about Imogen, she pleaded, about everything.

“It’s not important,” Kaz responded, void of emotion. The keeper of secrets beside her had boarded up his windows again.

“I see,” Inej nodded. There was nothing more to the conversation if his armour was standing between them. She stood from the bench.

“Where are you going?” His question was genuine and bothered. Like he couldn’t believe she was leaving.

She looked at him. His hand was outstretched as if to stop her, but he thought better of it halfway. Noticing her fixation on it, he dropped it back into his lap.

That’s when she found his eyes. She was standing taller than him now, and he looked up at her with pupils so dilated they were almost black.

The warm lights twinkled, painting his fair skin a warmer colour. If she hadn’t known him, she’d believe his beauty was supernatural.

The only indication of anything other than warmth was his pinched brows and white knuckles against his cane.

“We clearly have nothing to say,” Inej admitted sadly, scanning over his face. Her hands tingled beside her, craving to reach out to him too.

“I do,” he told her with a confidence that sounded like he told her everything already.

“I don’t speak in riddles, Kaz,” Inej shrugged. Tearing her eyes away, she looked up to the only thing as distracting as his eyes, the lights.

“Then I’ll speak in a way you understand.”

Inej might’ve imagined the twinge of desperation in his tone. With an inward sigh, she took her seat on the bench again.

“I couldn’t touch her,” Kaz muttered in a voice so unlike him that Inej believed it was the wind again. “I tried. But every time… it wasn’t her anymore. It was him.”

Inej interlocked her fingers together, “Him… as in your brother?”

“Yes.”

With all the benevolence and calm she had gained from her parents, she risked it all by asking him again. “What happened to you, Kaz?”

A sharp breath made her wince with nerves. How was it that she had asked him the question yet still felt vulnerable?

“It’s…” Kaz struggled, his voice rough and forced. “Not worth telling.”

Inej scoffed, “I beg to differ.”

“You won’t understand.”

“Of course, I don’t, Kaz!” She exploded, finally looking at him. “How can I understand anything about you?”

“You already know half the story,” he bit out, eyes dancing with frustration. “The articles speak for themselves.”

“I didn’t look it up,” Inej declared with a snare of indignity.

For a moment, Kaz was uncharacteristically bewildered. “Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to hear from other people what happened to you,” she was desperate for clarity. “That’s something only you should tell me.”

“I gave you permission, Inej.”

“It’s not the same.”

“You don’t understand,” he told her again, leaning back in his seat. “I’ve told more than enough, and you’re still asking for more.”

“That’s how this works, Kaz,” she said with complete exasperation. “That’s how you form healthy relationships, by telling people things. By opening up. I’ve opened up to you, and you’re giving me instructions rather than words.”

“Maybe I don’t want to talk about it,” Kaz groaned, tapping his fingers rapidly on his cane. “Maybe I’d like to leave it in the past where it belongs.”

“It’s not in the past, though, is it?” Inej reminded him. “It affects you today. This isn’t your past, this is your present. How can I help-”

“I don’t need your help,” he cut her off swiftly. “Nor do I want it.”

“Neither did I,” she scoffed. “But you weaselled your way into my life. Making me…” she sucked in a sharp breath. “Making me rely on you. Making me want…”

Kaz was finally silent, perhaps lost for words. Here she was again, pouring her heart out for bare flinches and sharp words. A wave of exhaustion befell her.

This wasn’t just painful, it was draining. For the entire time she’d known him it felt as though she was punching a brick wall, trying to get in. It was sucking away her energy.

“What do you want then, Kaz?” She asked, voice smaller than she wished for.

A look of utter agony appeared on his face, making her sit back in surprise. But what was more surprising was what he muttered in return.

“You know what.”

“I need you to say it.”

The world had silenced for them. It was hard to believe that lives existed outside of this moment under these lights.

“You.”

An earthquake couldn’t tear her eyes away from him. Her heart tinged at the sight. As though his admission was a personal torture. Like he regretted it.

“You want me?” Inej asked.

Watching his head tilt downward and back up in declaration. Reaching out, her hand brushed his cheek lightly. Retracting it, she watched him as he stiffened but didn’t shift away.

With more certainty, she ran her fingers through his hair and watched his eyes close. Cupping his face, he leaned into it ever so slightly.

“How will it be?” She pulled away. “Secrets between us? Half confessions? Abrupt cruelty? No,” his eyes found hers. “I will have you without your armour, Kaz Brekker, or I will not have you at all.”

It was a promise, not a rejection. Honesty for affection. Vulnerability for strength. She would not watch this man crumble under the weight of his past and stand by powerless. Either she’d have the tools to help him, or she couldn’t watch at all.

He didn’t deny it or say anything more. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears that had been building since knowing him. She wouldn’t cry in front of him. She couldn’t be sure he would hold her if she did.

Sucking in her tears and burying her sobs, she stood. He didn’t reach out and stop her again.

“Tell them I went for a walk,” Inej muttered, and she wandered away from the club. She couldn’t face them. Not Nina. She knew her too well.

Kaz didn’t respond, and she felt both disappointed and relieved. Walking away from him into the dimly lit park, her tears subsided. What replaced it was a hollowness.

She’d never have something like that again. A chance like that, either. It was all so painful to know that Kaz had been the first man to crawl his way into her heart. Worse, that they’d barely tried.

All these thoughts nearly sent her running back. But her ultimatum had been made, her points communicated. The ball was in his court. A childish and hopeful part believed that he would listen to her, but the truth was much more dreary.

The walk meant to clear her head turned into one to reminisce. Though proud she had stood up for herself, each memory sent her further into a bubble of sadness. After a moment, she paused, unsure of how far she had gone. The fresh air and space did not have the effect she needed.

Turning around, she made her way back down the winding footpath. Something settled in her stomach. Not the melancholic feeling she had been fighting, an unnerving one. The feeling she wasn’t alone.

A crunch behind her forced her to hold back a gasp. She turned around wide-eyed and noticed two men in buttoned-up coats walking together, chattering. One laughed loudly, and Inej blinked back tears.

They seemed normal, maybe her body was just acting on her anxiety over the whole situation. She continued on her way, notably increasing her speed.

Fear in its purest form squeezed at her heart. Crossing her arms over her chest, she thought of what defence she had. Nina had her phone, and stupidly, the only thing in her pocket was a pack of gum and folded tissues.

The whispering voices of the two men set prickles down her spine. Unsure why, she kept a pace to get away from them. No matter how quickly she stepped, their voices never distanced.

Beginning to get nervous, she refined into her surroundings. A dimly lit park, but up ahead was a shadow of a suburb in the fog. The man's laughter made her flinch.

She couldn’t help but shoot another look back at the two guys. They had never stopped talking, but over her shoulder, she caught the eyes belonging to a dark-haired, familiar-looking face. Her heart stuttered, and her body went cold.

Was this dramatic, or were they seriously following her? This was a public park; anyone could visit it. But in the dead of night?

Up ahead, she saw someone in the distance sitting on a park bench. Exhaling in relief, her shoulders loosened at the thought of someone else nearby. She prayed it was a woman.

But as she got closer, the figure was too large and bulky to be feminine. He looked down the path toward her and the chattering men. After one glance, he stood and began walking on the path too.

Adrenaline began to seep into her blood. A million thoughts were piling into her head. Coincidence or danger? Her mind began to replay all of the self-defence lessons she’d taken.

Back of the knees, crotch, and eyes. The weakest points. Fight using your strengths, not theirs. Inej gathered more spit to soothe her throat. She’d need the power to scream.

The distant town was getting closer, and it seemed the bulky man in front of her was slowing down. Her heart was beating painfully against her chest, every hair stood up in nerves, her vision was getting black spots and her ears began to ring.

She waited. She could survive this. Swallowing again, she prepared, drifting over to the right side.

The man in front of her stopped in his tracks and turned. Inej stopped too. The men behind her didn’t.

“Inej, is it?”

She bolted.

Every inch of her was on fire. She sprinted with all the adrenaline and terror coursing through her veins. There was a stampede behind her, three grown men who were undoubtedly faster.

But she ran. She ran like Jesper to the try line. She ran like the rugby team depended on her. She ran like that night the student teacher had violated her.

But just like that night, she wasn’t fast enough.

Her scream was raspy and muffled as the bulkiest of the two men dove chest-first into her, dragging her down into the dirt. Something popped in her shoulder as they landed and rolled, and another unintentional shout escaped.

Tears of fear, surprise, and pain streamed down her face. Flailing pointlessly, she struggled under the large man. His dirty and calloused hands were covering her mouth and holding her down.

The two other men caught up quickly. Looking to her side, she saw the proximity of a 24-hour convenience store. She was so close.

“Stop kicking me bitch,” the bulky man said. She tried to remember parts of his face, despite being surrounded by shadows. The blood pumping to her eyes blurred her vision too.

There was a snap that caught her attention. The dark-haired man held a switchblade that was dangerously close as he bent down to them.

They all had balaclavas, she realised. Her sobbing was muffled and pointless as the pressure of the hand pushed her down. Squinting, she tried to remember their eyes.

“Inej Ghafa isn’t it?” The familiar man said. Inej merely sobbed. “Isn’t it!”

She nodded.

“You keep poor company, girl,” the third guy snickered. “Kaz Brekker and Adem Bajan?”

All hopes of survival diminished in front of her eyes. The only thought that gave her comfort was hoping it would be quick. Let them slit her throat with the blade and be done with it. Just let them kill me; they can just kill me if they don’t touch me.

“For Bajan,” the dark-haired man leaned close to her ear and ran the blade across her cheek. “This is a warning for his traitor bitch ass. Rollins will end him if he keeps crawling back to Brekker. And a warning to kaz, too.”

He paused as he pressed the blade down, and she felt a warm sensation leak down her face with her tears.

“There is always a price to vendettas.”

Her vision was blackening, and her body was feeling weak and helpless. Kicking her legs around was pointless under the weight of the bulky man. She bit the hand that still covered her mouth. There was an angry shout before a mountain of pain.

The first blow felt like an explosion, the second felt like routine. She’d almost forgotten the feeling. It had been so long since Heleen’s.

Fighting the natural retreat into her mind, she thought of her parents at home, the sorrow and depression they’d face. Her younger cousins, unfamiliar with the concept of death, and her Auntie and Uncle having to explain it to them.

Bajan, who would have to live with the guilt of her murder.

Nina, who had stayed by her side since kindergarten, finally on the brink of happiness.

Jesper, who had so much to give to the world in ways she would never get to witness.

Wylan, who was stuck living in a house of horrors, that she’d never see him freed from.

Matthias, who would have to keep their little group from falling apart, holding them all together while she was gone.

Her last thought was Kaz. How dare life do this to him? Take away his brother and then make him responsible for this. How dare they end her life before they could get anywhere? Before he could take his armour off.

He couldn’t offer her a ride home anymore. He couldn’t ask for her opinions on team functions. They couldn’t stand in his kitchen and listen to Colm tell old high school stories. They couldn’t sit in his car watching the sunset.

She’d never lie flat on his bedroom floor anymore, talking about nothing. She’d never get to force him into the cinema anymore. She never made a signature Suli dish she’d promised to cook for him. They still had so much to do together.

The final blow snapped her back to reality. Her voice was impossible to summon, her throat dry and sore. They must’ve been choking her.

She blinked at the three men who were leaving. A croaky cough escaped her, and she choked on blood clogging her throat.

Her body wasn’t hers anymore. She sat with her eyes on the stars and felt her breathing get shallow.

She blinked again, and everything was red. Then it was blue. They were flashing lights. There was a man in uniform chattering to a crying woman. She felt someone place two fingers on her bruised neck.

She blinked again, and she was in an ambulance. Three paramedics were talking rapidly and checking her vitals.

“Ketterdam College said they’re missing a girl,” a man spoke in a tunnelled voice. “Suli, five foot two, sixteen.”

“That’s her.”

She blinked and was travelling through a hallway, moving fast. Her eyes found the white ceiling.

She blinked, and the world was black.

Chapter Text

Chapter fifty: Nina

Why did I take her phone?

Nina was silent, shaking, and impossible to console. Nobody around her was strong enough to comfort anyone. There was a tangle of guilt wrapped around each of their throats.

“I shouldn’t have snuck away from you and Inej.”

“I shouldn’t have lingered in the changerooms.”

“I shouldn’t have told the teacher I’d seen her somewhere.”

“I shouldn’t have taken her phone during the game.”

But nothing spoke louder than Kaz’s complete silence.

He was the last person to have seen her. Nina regretfully lost her shit. She had screamed, cried, and would have hit him if it weren’t for Matthias.

Kaz let her go for a walk in the darkness and refused to tell them why. He refused to speak a word. As if his tongue had been cut off.

Zoya had driven them to the hospital after getting a call to confirm the assaulted girl bleeding in the park was Inej. Her parents were called and had begun their long drive over.

It began slowly. First, Inej’s parents arrived, then Colm, then Inej’s uncle, then Nina’s mother. None of them had slept in forty-eight hours.

Trying to get them to go home, Colm and her mother attempted to coerce them into the car. However, each of them refused to leave until they had personally seen Inej. Nina would need to see her breathing before she could function properly.

The doctor had come out and spoken to Zoya before Inej’s parents arrived. Despite the discretion, Nina overheard everything they said. She was sure the others had too.

Inej had a fractured nose, sprained ankle, dislocated shoulder, cracked ribs, bruises from the neck down, and a C-shaped cut on her face.

Nina had thrown up in the toilet upon hearing this.

“Nina?” She heard Zoya’s steady voice say from beside her. A cup of instant coffee was being offered to her, and with shaking hands, she took it.

Unable to properly hold it, some of it spilled over the edge, burning her hand. She only winced.

Since arriving at the hospital, she hadn’t stopped shaking. She was unsure of whether it was horror, guilt, devastation, or simply a lack of sleep. Placing the cup on the table beside her, she tilted her head back, trying to refrain from giving in to exhaustion.

A snore interrupted Nina’s moment of tiredness. She looked over to Jesper, who was unconscious and sleeping on Wylan’s head. Unable to relish in their obvious budding relationship, she merely smiled weakly.

“Nina, honey?” Her mother's more agitated voice said.

Down the hall, her mother stood with her phone to her chest, gesturing her over. Nina sighed loudly but pushed up from the uncomfortable hospital seat.

She dragged her feet over and rubbed a tired hand over her face. Her mother was agreeing with someone on the phone. Absentmindedly, she twirled Nina’s hair in her hand with a vacant smile. Nina wanted to throw up again.

“Yes, yes,” she nodded. “Will do. Okay. Alright. Love you, bye!”

“Who was that?” Nina asked, not entirely bothered to know.

“A call from Michel,” she replied, incredibly serious. “He’s been offered a big client, huge.”

Nina nodded, unsure of why her new boyfriend was relevant. Her mother resumed nuzzling Nina into her chest and stroked her back.

“I need to go now, baby,” she mumbled into her hair. “You’ll be alright here alone? Won’t you?”

Frowning, Nina found the energy to only shrug. “Who’s driving me home?” Nina muttered, her voice pathetically weak and sad.

“Your teacher, Zoya, offered,” she pulled away from Nina, cupping her face in her hands. “Tell Inej I dropped by, okay?”

“Ma,” Nina found herself whispering. “Tell her yourself. Stay for once, please.”

It was as if time had turned. Nina was a little girl again, pleading for her mother to get out of bed and drive her to school. Making her toast as she rotted in her sheets after the divorce. Curling into her mother’s chest as she demanded space.

She remembered coming home excited to tell her mother about her new friend, Inej, from kindergarten. Just for her mother to reveal she’d be staying with her Nan for a while.

It was a circle, a loop Nina couldn’t escape. Same beginning. Same ending.

“Oh, darling,” she kissed her forehead. “You know I wish I could. But this is just… so important.”

“I’m important too,” Nina sniffled. “Michel can do it alone, but I don’t know if I...”

“How about I call your Nan to come down?” She compromised eagerly. “She can help you… better than I could probably.”

She was right, her Nan was twice the woman she was. But it wasn’t about that. It was about her mother, who she needed, leaving her again.

Accepting her mother’s decision in silence, Nina watched her flip open her phone and begin dialling. Once the call was received, her mother walked off.

“Nina?” A deep and comforting voice asked from behind her. “Are you okay?”

Matthias’s lone presence was enough to send her into tears again. A sob escaped, which she stifled with her hand. Two strong arms wrapped around her, securing her into a cove of temporary peace.

She gripped his shirt, letting her tears soak into the fabric. He didn’t push her away or scold her for ruining it. He simply stroked her hair, whispering something in Fjerdan. “Roëd fetla.”

“Oh great,” she muffled into his chest. “I’ve wet your shirt.”

He shook with laughter against her, “I have other ones.”

“Uh,” her mother coughed. “Nina?”

A great disappointment returned to her. She felt the protection of Matthias back away. Wiping her eyes quickly, she looked at her mother.

“Nan is on her way,” her mother’s smile was sickening. “I’ll call as soon as I can.”

“Yep,” she responded wetly. Her mother’s eyes darted between Matthias and Nina.

“I don’t believe we’ve…”

“Ma?” Nina said in a falsely sweet tone. “Don’t you have to go?”

She flinched as though she had been slapped, her mouth dropped in the slightest before pulling into a tight smile.

A beat of awkward silence passed before her mother attempted to reach out and grab Nina’s cheek. In a quick movement, Nina moved into Matthias's side and away from her gesture.

A painful look passed across her face that Nina didn’t believe she’d earned. After more mumbles of awkward goodbyes, Nina watched her mother disappear behind the elevator doors. She felt a hand curl around her waist and pull her in.

“Where is she going?” Matthias asked once she was safely out of sight.

“Does it matter?” She found herself shrugging. “Out of sight, out of mind. Or whatever that saying is.”

“Nina,” Matthias mumbled, concern etched on his face that made Nina feel uncomfortable. Made her feel seen. “Are you-”

“Nina?” An accented voice called from behind them. She barely had time to spin around before she was wrapped in another embrace by a small Suli woman.

Around her, she heard the scraping of chairs as people began to surround them. Pulling away from the hug, Mrs Ghafa’s eyes looked red and irritated, but she was smiling nonetheless.

Her hands remained on Nina’s arms, and she regained control of whatever emotion had overcome her.

“Mrs Ghafa,” Zoya greeted calmly. “How is everything?”

Her sniffle told Nina everything she needed to know. An unwelcome pressure behind her eyes began to mount, and she held her breath.

“She’s… better,” Inej’s mother nodded encouragingly. “She’s on pain medication, and they’ve completed all the necessary procedures. It’s mostly just the…” Her voice broke, and she looked to the ceiling, blinking back her tears. “Recovery now.”

Nina stepped forward and held her with all the comfort she could provide. The small woman shifted beneath her, “Thank you all for staying here, truly. I’m so glad she has friends like each of you.”

“I’d say we’re the lucky ones,” Jesper’s voice still thick and sleepy.

Inej’s mother was dangerously close to breaking down again. Nina could only rub her shoulder. Jesper and Wylan were blinking back exhaustion from their brief and fruitless sleep. Kaz’s eyes were glued to the floor. He looked paler than Nina thought possible.

“Inej is awake,” she continued, wiping her eyes. “She’s been asking for all of you.”

Kaz’s head tilted up in the smallest of movements, still incapable of meeting anyone’s gaze.

“Would you like to see her?” She asked them.

“Yes!” Nina jumped at the opportunity.

Zoya coughed lightly and pulled out her phone. “I’ll inform the school that Inej is conscious now,” she nodded, catching Nina’s eye. “You can have your reunion.”

Nina nodded appreciatively, pleasantly surprised at Zoya’s benevolence during this ordeal. They may have had their differences thus far, but Nina couldn’t imagine a more qualified teacher in the waiting room. A surge of gratitude overcame her as her eyes followed Zoya walking toward the vending machine.

“Just be patient with her,” Inej’s mother spoke again. “She’s still a little… hazy.”

They all agreed and fell into a respectable silence. Nina would do whatever was necessary for Inej’s comfort. As they drew closer to her room, her heart pounded with nerves.

What image would she be subjected to? A gory shell of someone she adores? A hollow and abused girl who faced the worst horrors of humanity? Nina didn’t want to see her friend like that. Quietly strong, resilient, and caring Inej, broken into a silent mess.

Her hand reached for Matthias’s, squeezing it as the door opened.

“Hey, honey,” Inej’s mother's sweet voice sang out.

Matthias bravely took the lead with Nina right behind him. The sight was less horrific than her anxious and sleep-deprived mind had accumulated.

Inej was sitting upright on her hospital bed with a multitude of cords surrounding her. Her face was red and purple, particularly under her eyes. Her left arm was resting on her stomach, secured by a sling, while on the other side, she was holding a juice box.

Her eyes were wide as they entered, and her mouth hung open to breathe properly. The majority of her body was covered by the blankets, and her head was resting on the neck pillow behind her. She waved her juice box in the air to greet them.

Nina’s unnerved feelings vanished the minute she saw her. Breaking away from Matthias, she rushed to her bedside. Inej turned her head, blinking slowly and steadily as Nina sat by her side.

“Inej! I’m so glad you’re okay!” Nina cried.

Inej blinked slowly again and looked at the other four people at the end of her bed. Nina looked over as Wylan waved awkwardly and Jesper gave a thumbs-up. Matthias nodded, bowing his head slightly.

Kaz was unreadable. His eyes barely remained on her face; they scanned the wires and her vitals, his eyes landing on her sling. He scratched his jaw.

Turning back to Inej, Nina became attuned to how black her eyes were.

Inej snapped her head back, looking at Nina. “They took my underwear,” Inej mumbled, her head falling slack into the pillow.

Nina’s emotions choked in her throat as she blinked back a frown. “Huh?”

“Inej is pretty medicated right now,” Mr Ghafa said from the other side of the bed. He was fighting a laugh. “She was very adamant about seeing you all, so we thought it was best.”

Nina didn’t miss the way Mr Ghafa’s eyes found Kaz. Clearly, Kaz didn’t either. He finally found the nerve to look Inej in the face.

Inej rolled her head upright again and attempted to get her juice straw back in her mouth using only her tongue. She was extremely unsuccessful.

“I’ve got nothing under here,” Inej giggled uncontrollably before turning serious. “Where’s my arm?”

Her abruptness caught Nina off guard. She burst into laughter, resting her forehead on the bed in an array of emotions. She heard Inej giggling again, it was slow and sluggish. Worse than when she’s drunk. Inej was high out of her mind.

Nina covered her mouth to stifle her laughter, and she rested a soft hand on her arm. “It’s right there, love,” Nina pointed to her sling.

Inej blew a breath of relief. Giving her a stupid smile, she attempted to sip her juice again. Her shaking hands proved fatal to her attempt, and it spilled onto her sheets. “Ah man,” Inej groaned.

“I’ll get a towel,” Matthias offered, jogging over to the bathroom quickly. Inej finally seemed to remember the boys standing at the end of her bed. She squinted.

Narrowing her eyes at Kaz, she extended out her uninjured hand and wiggled her finger at him, cheekily grinning.

“Is that who I think it is?” Her voice laced with teasing.

For the first time in forty-eight hours, Nina watched Kaz’s shoulders loosen and his lip quirk. “Well, who do you think I am?” His voice was raspier than usual.

“You really piss me off-” Inej slapped a hand over her mouth and shot a sheepish look at her da. Sighing dramatically, she shook her head. “We’ve gotta stop meeting like this, love.”

Kaz’s eyebrows rose expeditiously. Something swapped his brooding expression. Something like amusement and maybe even satisfaction. Nina thought he looked much too full of himself now. Alas, Inej didn’t seem to notice.

In a single exaggerated movement, she raised her brow to Wylan and Jesper. Switching her finger between the two, “You two touch tongues, yet?”

“Okay!” Inej’s mother shrieked from behind them all.

Shuffling around the bed quickly, she snatched the paper towels that a clueless Matthias returned holding. She stepped between Nina and Inej, beginning to dry the dampness of the juice, muttering rapidly in Suli.

“Everything alright in here?” A nurse appeared from the doorway, holding a tray of food.

“Yes, yes,” Inej’s father nodded, before quieting his voice. “I don’t think she is ready for the meal, her coordination is still a bit clumsy.”

“Oh wow!” Inej frowned with offence, pointing to the woman. “Were you the person who took my underwear?”

“Meja!” Her mother shushed her frantically. Though Inej seemed fuelled by Jesper’s hysterical laughter. “It was her, wasn’t it?” Inej cried to him. Jesper nodded encouragingly.

“We had to remove them for evidence,” she whispered to Inej’s father. An unwelcome shiver ran down Nina’s spine. Evidence. “Will she be okay without them?”

“Whatever’s necessary,” Inej’s mother nodded, her voice betraying her with a quiver. Inej became attuned to the mournful room it was becoming.

“I don’t mind,” she quickly amended. “This is very liberating.”

The nurse simply smiled and turned to them, “I’ll come back later.”

“Nina, honey?” Inej’s mother turned to her. “Do you mind speaking to us for a moment?”

Her stomach deepened, but she stood quickly and followed them to the corner. Behind her, she heard Jesper move into her original position by the bedside. Matthias gave her a short nod as she passed, unaware of how much his reassurance eased her.

“We just wanted to ask you if Inej had mentioned anything about Bajan?” Inej’s father asked quietly.

Nina bit her lip and looked back at Inej, who was somehow more animated than Jesper now. She had reached the crossroad. The one she was bound to face at some point. Still, she was unprepared.

This wasn’t her business, nor something she wished to be involved in. She only had a grasp of the aftermath regarding Bajan and Inej’s altercation.

Was it worth admitting the basic facts she knew might incriminate Kaz, Jesper, and possibly Bajan? She couldn’t give them the information they needed, but would it be enough to just admit she knew?

A cackle from the bed made Nina jump.

“Llewellyn!” Inej cried, clutching her side with her one working hand. “Ha! That’s so ugly.”

Nina sighed deeply. She wasn’t the person to do this. “I don’t really know,” she shrugged. “Maybe ask Kaz or someone else?”

“Are you sure she hasn’t mentioned anything?” Mr Ghafa pushed with desperate eyes.

“I’m not the person to ask,” Nina nodded. “I’m sorry.”

“That’s alright, sweetie,” Inej’s mother stroked her arm. “Why don’t you go back to the others?”

Nina forced down any remorse she felt for her actions. It was easier once she re-joined the group. For the third time that night, she snuggled into Matthias's side.

“Everything okay?” He whispered in her ear. With a tight smile, she nodded.

“Nina! You know Matthias’s middle name is Benedik?” Inej laughed loudly. “Everyone has horrific names. You know I was going to be Hanzi?”

“Then my brother stole the name when we had a girl,” Mr Ghafa cut in.

“The bastard,” Inej shook her head disapprovingly.

“Mhm,” he murmured, sitting close by to her bed again. He placed his palm on her forehead before stroking her hair back. “Why don’t you get some more rest, Meja?”

Inej frowned and seemed to be considering. She crossed her arms, “But I haven’t spoken to Kaz yet.”

The room quieted, and all eyes found innocent-looking Kaz. Nina didn’t buy the act.

“You have,” Mr. Ghafa reminded her. She shook her head.

“Alone,” she enunciated imperiously. Her face was hard and certain. After a while, her father gave in as he always did whenever Inej looked at him that way.

“Do you kids mind?” He asked, looking around. They all shook their heads. “Kaz?”

“I don’t mind,” Kaz faintly nodded, his voice muted, thick with an emotion Nina couldn’t comprehend.

”You gotta go too, Papa.”

Nina thought Mr Ghafa hid his surprise well. Pushing up from the chair, he acknowledged Kaz as he headed for the door, leaving with little argument. Nina gave one last look at bumbling Inej and followed him out.

Chapter Text

Chapter fifty-one: Kaz

He was furious.

He never wanted this fucking foster care situation with this family anyway. And now? Jesper had snitched to his carer about where he snuck off to in the dead of night.

What did they expect? Kaz was thirteen and spent his most formative years with the boys. Was he going to abandon them suddenly for a blue-collar family?

Kaz had left school the minute this information had been relayed back to him. What would await him after this confrontation? Would he be sent back to foster care? Handed over to the police? What obligations did Colm have to keep a random kid like him?

So he decided to leave before they could take him. Colm would've already contacted those stupid suit and tie freaks. Reaching behind his bedframe, he caught hold of the $500 he’d stashed from his endeavours. Pulling a backpack from his wardrobe, there was no need to pack it; he’d kept everything ready in case of a situation like this.

A sound from outside his room caught his attention. It was the sound of keys inside the door. He snapped his head to the clock. It was already 2:50 pm.

Colm had arrived home from work. And Kaz was supposed to be at school.

His eyes darted to the chained windows put in place after Kaz had tried sneaking out the first week he was here. Not that it kept him in.

The keys stopped jangling as he must’ve realised the door was left unlocked. Kaz raised his head, preparing for the confrontation. He heard the creak of hinges swinging open.

“Anyone there?” Colm’s shaking voice called out. Kaz shoved his laptop in and made his way out. It’s the one thing he didn’t mind taking.

“It’s me,” he replied, walking into the stairway. Colm appeared in view, clutching his laptop bag to his chest, with nervous eyes. Upon seeing Kaz, he relaxed.

As he noticed the packed bags, his shoulders fell. Sighing, he placed his keys on the table. Kaz narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

“Kaz, you’re supposed to be at school,” Colm spoke half-heartedly. Kaz steadied himself for a struggle.

“Yes,” Kaz confirmed, making his way down the stairs. Colm groaned loudly and rubbed his forehead.

“Saints, damn it,” Colm muttered, hand on his hip. He slung his laptop bag down and placed it beside a duffel bag Kaz was hoarding for the boys. He frowned, holding up straps. “Whose is this?”

Kaz didn’t respond.

“They here?”

“No.” Kaz scaled down the stairs. “I’m leaving to return it.”

“Like hell you are!” Colm sputtered disbelievingly. “You're- you, are grounded.”

Kaz gave him a look, “You already tried to do that.”

“Well, this time you’d better!” Colm demanded. “Or I’ll… I’ll…”

“What?” Kaz scoffed, frustrated. “Sell me off the system?”

Colm sighed desperately. Something unfamiliar arose in Kaz. “I can’t… you’re beating me here. How do I compromise? How do I get through? Tell me, please. I’m tired of working against you.”

“I already told you,” Kaz turned away, going towards the kitchen back door. “You don’t have to. I’m not your son.”

“You don’t speak to me like that,” Colm snapped, charging behind him. “Don’t you walk away from me! Hey! Wait, please.”

He reached out and grabbed Kaz’s wrist. The cold, clammy hand sent a rush of nausea and horror through him. Frantically, he shoved Colm away, propelling himself back against the hallway, too.

An unnerving thud against the wall caused a framed tribute for Aditi to tip and fall. Kaz had knocked the wind out of Colm, and he saw a spark of realisation at the broken glass on the floor. His brows pinched in sadness.

Kaz watched as Colm steadied himself away from the shattered mess, looking at him cautiously. Looking at him, terrified.

They stood like that for a moment, with a crushing weight on Kaz’s shoulder. For the first time, Kaz exhorting power over someone made him feel strange. Disgusted? There was only the sound of a faint clock ticking to fill the silence.

“I don’t know what to do with you anymore,” Colm whispered, his breathing uneven. Kaz adjusted himself and shrugged.

“You can’t save me like you think you can,” Kaz murmured. Colm shut his eyes tightly.

“I’m beginning to see that,” he chuckled emptily. “But one day you’re gonna look around, no one is gonna be there to help you. Just yourself.”

“That’s all I need,” Kaz countered.

“It’s a lonely life you wanna live, boy,” Colm sighed, moving aside for him. “And an empty one. I see myself in you. I shouldn’t, but I do. I can only pray you find someone you’ll let in, just as I did. But it ain’t gonna be me, I know that now.”

Kaz didn’t have anything to say. Colm let him leave that night. He spent two useless days back on the streets. Coming back was humiliating, but Colm didn’t shame him for it. He pretended Kaz had never left.

Colm never ended up sending him away.

After that week, Kaz understood what he was doing. He wasn’t freeing himself from foster care; he was running from his problems. And he refused to run again. Running was for those who didn’t think they could win. Running was for people who were scared.

And Kaz was never scared.

The hospital room was silent, only the unmethodical beep of Inej’s heart rate monitor remained after the others left.

Her laughter had quieted; it made the reality of her more daunting. He’d almost forgotten, under her unhinged remarks, that she was sedated so heavily because she was broken so painfully.

Kaz had never known time to pass so slowly. When his brother died, time passed in a dreamlike state. Some parts were too quick to comprehend, like the time he spent waiting in the hospital for them to resuscitate his brother. While other parts were injected into his brain, impossible to forget. Like Pekka’s guilty face as he stood at the door.

Time was worse now. It wasn’t just slow. It was cruel. It was sadistic. It was like a personal torture chamber of his own creation. He didn’t just exist in the waiting room. He existed in all points of his life.

For Inej, he relived his mistakes of that fateful night. She had almost died, and all the wrongdoings throughout his life seemed to have been the root of it. He searched through every painful memory in hopes of finding the answer.

How did I get here?

Others slept, they talked, uttered their deep regrets of that night. Kaz was elsewhere. Tormenting himself, inflicting as much agony from his memories as possible. Harming himself in the most effective way he knew how. His mind. His memories. His life.

Inej was right about a lot of things, and she was certainly right about his past. It wasn’t truly behind him; it clung to his back like a parasite. And it had been growing and feeding on his self-inflicted misery. Becoming so unbearable, it might’ve eaten him whole. And then. Inej.

She became his medication. His cure. The only thing able to pry off that cancer growing within him enough to let him breathe. Every glance, every word, every touch was the oxygen Kaz had been gasping for.

If he hadn’t dismissed her, perhaps she could have saved him. It was a childish thought, a naïve thought he’d scolded others for having. But others didn’t have Inej.

No thought, memory, or person could make him suffer enough for causing this. His belief that she was his saviour was less childish than his decision to let her go. Let her walk into an abandoned park at night with nothing to defend herself. For the stupid reason of needing space.

Now, as he saw her chest wheeze with every breath, her face wince with each move, her legs immobile under the sheets, he knew that he wasn’t even close to suffering enough for what he had done.

“Do you like it?” Inej finally spoke.

Her sedation still leaked into her voice, but her previous humour had faded as she scanned his face. How could she see him so clearly, even tranquilised like a horse?

“What?” Kaz rasped, every word needing to be from his chest.

Inej tilted her head away and ran her finger along the scabbed cut across her face. The reminder of its existence felt like a punch.

“My sick ass scar,” she grinned, slipping sideways as he didn’t laugh along. She dropped her hand back onto the bed, pointing a finger to the seat Nina had occupied earlier. “Sit.”

Kaz complied. It was worse looking up close. Dropping his eyes to the floor, his cane served as his anchor. Gripping onto it to prevent being pushed by the tide.

“Are you okay?” Inej asked boldly. He almost couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He glued his eyes to hers, unable to look anywhere else across her bruised body. He shook his head in disbelief.

“Me?” Before repeating with a tinge of anger. “Me?!”

“I know you don’t like hospitals,” Inej whispered, confidence drained from her eyes.

“How could you know that?” Kaz huffed, searching her for an answer. She shrugged.

“Like I said,” her mouth twitched again. “We’re always meeting like this.”

Kaz wished he hadn’t looked at her mouth. Her lips were dry and irritated, not to mention split open. There wasn’t an area of her body that was missed. No part of her spared. It was what had been playing on his mind, the possibilities. Had any part of her not been violated? He uncontrollably flinched at the thought.

Inej’s kind eyes narrowed. “What?”

He couldn’t ask it. He knew how she felt. She’d given so much of herself, told him things she hadn’t even told her family. While he told her fragments, half confessions. It was unbalanced to her.

But she hadn’t realised how much of himself he’d truly given to her, what he was willing to give to her. He couldn’t ask her anything. Dropping his eyes to the floor again, he rested his cane between his legs.

“They didn’t touch me.”

How could she know? Was there any part of himself that he could conceal from her? There was no part that he wanted to. It was terrifying.

“What did they do?” He gritted out instead. She sighed.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes. It does.”

“I thought of you.”

“What?”

“While I was dying,” she croaked, finally cracking. “It was my family first. Then Nina, Jesper, Wylan, Matthias, all of them. Then it was- then it was you.”

He squeezed his eyes shut, hoping to burst them under the pressure. “I should never have let you go.”

“But you couldn’t have known,” Inej reassured. He shook his head.

“I should never have let you go, Inej,” Kaz persisted, his tone reflecting something he never was. Destroyed.

“Kaz, please, can you look at me?” She spoke with an easy assurance. The one that spoke to him in his dreams. The one he’d listened to now.

“I thought of you,” she said again. “They were breaking my body, but they never broke my mind. I couldn’t even feel it. All there was were memories. But not enough.”

Her face scrunched into something more horrified and scared. “I was dying,” she sniffled, like it was a confession he didn’t know. “And all I could think about was how I never made you my favourite Suli dish. I was so mad. Not because I was dying, but because I had so much left to do.”

She didn’t stop, “And I was… I was angry for you. Because the world never stops hurting the most broken people. I wanted to be different. I wanted to be something that brought you back, not drag you down. And instead, I was choking on my own blood, staring up at the same stars we shared at Pim’s, and I felt so helpless.”

“I was so helpless,” she wept, covering her face. “I didn’t even fight back. I retreated, like I always did, into my mind. It gave me peace, but it almost killed me. I accepted it, selfishly. I wish I didn’t. I should have fought harder. I wish I’d run faster. I wish I had made you that stupid Suli dish!”

Her sobs were unbearable to hear. It was the most soul-tearing sound Kaz had ever had the displeasure of hearing. Her whole body shook as she cried, undoubtedly hurting her as she helplessly sobbed.

Kaz wasn’t himself anymore. He wasn’t the little boy who dragged his overdosed brother out of the shower. The juvenile delinquent who caused heartbreak in an already broken family. He wasn’t the angry shell of a person he was after his injury. Nor the boy who left Inej defenceless in the park.

Reaching forward, his two hands brushed her face that was buried, hidden in the pillow. Lifting it gently, he threaded his fingers through her hair, drawing it away from her face. Her wet cheeks sent a shiver up his arm that he quickly forced down.

Lifting one leg onto the bed, he shifted himself where she was curled into. With one arm around her shoulder and the other cradling her cheek, he hugged her into his chest.

Within her sobs, she reached around and grabbed his waist, gripping so tight it was almost painful. He sat with her listening to both her fast-beeping monitor and her heaving cries, running his hands through her hair and circling her arm with his thumb.

Eventually, her shaking became occasional shivering, and her cries were controlled. But she never let him go, and he never stopped stroking her hair.

When all fell silent. When the heart rate grew steady, and Inej nuzzled deeper into his side did he speak, “Do you remember them?”

“Three,” Inej murmured, her exhaustion thick in her voice. “One was familiar.”

“Can you describe them?” He mumbled, reaching a hand over and pulling hair from her mouth.

“Bulky man, quiet guy, and a familiar one,” Inej recited like she was reading from her memory. “Bulky one held me down. The familiar one cut.”

Kaz attempted to keep his touch gentle despite a rush of rage coursing through him. “Familiar one?”

“He was so familiar,” Inej agreed, completely exhausted. He knew he was losing her. “Black hair. Crazy eyes. Bajan.”

“Bajan?” His blood pressure skyrocketed.

“Bajan,” she told him. “And Kaz Brekker they said. There’s a price to vendettas.”

“What?” Kaz’s voice was outside of his own.

“Pekka Rollins…”

His whole body stiffened. “What about Rollins?” Silence. “Inej?”

She was asleep, her eyelashes kissed her cheeks, and it was a peace he wouldn’t ruin for anything. Not even the truth. Caressing her hair, he shut his eyes and let his thoughts run wild.