Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jaskier didn’t believe in coincidences. He had been alive for far too long (nearly thirty-three years) to think that events in the world just happened willy-nilly, no trace of a cause or a reason. That’s not to say he was the religious type, far from it. He was merely a man who liked to think there was more to life than banal coincidences. Or perhaps, he should say, he used to be the type of man who believed in more. Believed in life, really.

Not willing to get melancholy, Jaskier did his best to push those thoughts outside of his head and finish getting ready. He had about an hour until his audition time and he had only just exited the shower.

Looking in the mirror, he sighed at the slight bags under his eyes. He had been exhausted this week, doing his best to grade midterm papers for three classes and still trying to find time to himself. His phone had been blowing up for days with texts from Renfri, wondering if he was dead or dying in his apartment somewhere. He had managed a quick thumbs up in between papers this morning which finally seemed to set her at ease.

His reflection could be better. It could be worse, as well. He reached a hand up and touched the beard that he had been growing for a few weeks. Renfri had teased him endlessly about trying to look like a real professor, which had caused him to roll his eyes at her. He decided to keep it out of spite. His brown hair touched mid-neck now, the longest it had ever been and he felt it was rather dashing, though today he would put it in a low ponytail.

After sufficiently scrutinizing his appearance and shrugging his shoulders, Jaskier went about brushing his teeth, putting on deodorant and his best cologne. Minty-fresh and body-odor-free, he left the small bathroom of his equally small flat and ransacked his wardrobe for something appropriate to wear. He wanted to make a good impression during this audition. After all, a musician's looks were often criticised more deeply than their music. Eventually, he settled on a pair of dark jeans and a deep blue sweater that his last girlfriend swore made his eyes shine.

Dressed and ready to go, Jaskier snatched his wallet and keys as well as his guitar case and headed downstairs. He lived in a little flat above a coffee shop, which wasn’t the fanciest, but rent was cheap and the building was sound, so he felt he couldn’t complain.

The musician made sure to grab a quick cup of tea to-go from the shop below before setting out on his way. Jaskier didn’t have a car, but their city was easily walkable and a car just seemed like a waste of money on his meager professor’s salary.

He heard his phone go off once more as he trudged down the street and whipped it out of his pocket to see Renfri’s name flashing on the screen, along with a picture of the two of them, drunk and cheek to cheek during last years New Years Eve party. He quickly swiped to answer and brought the phone up to his ear.

“Yes?” His voice came out slightly gruffer than he had meant it to which earned him a scoff from the woman on the other end.

“Is that any way to greet your friend?” Jaskier could practically hear the glare in her tone.

“Sorry, just a bit nervous.” He cleared his throat and tried to sound friendlier. “What’s up?”

“I haven’t heard from you in like two days aside from your thumbs up emoji,” If he hadn’t known better he would have thought she was worried. “I wanted to hear your actual voice and make sure you hadn’t died and some murderer was sending me emojis.”

“You’re being dramatic. I had a pile of papers to grade and then I had to get ready for the audition tonight,” He answered.

“What audition?”

Jaskier rolled his eyes, though he knew she couldn’t see it. “It’s that audition to play weekends for that bar, the Drunken Wolf.”

“That’s kind of a stupid name for a bar. Well I wish you luck. I’m sure you’ll do great,” Renfri told him and Jaskier was surprised to find no hint of sarcasm in her tone. “Call me when you’re done.”

Jaskier made a non-committal hum and hung up the phone, continuing down the road for almost a mile before he made it to his destination. It wasn’t a hard place to miss. The brick building had a large sign on it with the pubs name as well as an illustration of a white wolf drinking from a horn of mead. Jaskier pursed his lips and did his best not to judge that design choice before knocking gently on the door. The bar itself wouldn’t open for another hour or so, but the man he had spoken with, Eskel, told him to knock and they would answer.

Sure enough, the door popped open and Jaskier came face to face with a rather large man. Curly red hair sprang from his head and he wore a green t-shirt and dark jeans, accompanied by a leather jacket.

“Oh, um, hello. I’m here to audition. Eskel told me to knock,” The young professor explained, trying to ignore the critical look the red-head was giving him.

“Oh, right. You’re the musician, Jack,” The redhead nodded and stepped aside, allowing Jaskier into the pub. It was immaculately clean, which was surprising. The decor was a little old-fashioned, but tasteful though certainly not minimal. A plaque above the bar proclaimed that it had won the Best Business in the City award last year.

“It’s Jaskier, actually,” The young man corrected him.

“Right,” The redhead gave a tight smile, as if he was already stressed out by Jaskier, which was not an uncommon occurrence. “I’m Lambert. I’m one of the co-owners of the Drunken Wolf. You’ve already met Eskel, then.”

“Only over the phone,” A new man entered from the back room. He was much friendlier looking, already grinning widely at Jaskier. He was just as muscular as Lambert, though he had dirty blonde hair tied in a pony and large scars across his face. He wore a red flannel and a pair of tight jeans. Jaskier couldn’t blame him, because if he had thighs like that, he’d wear nothing but leggings.

“Eskel, I presume?” Jaskier smiled, shaking the hand of the new man.

“You’d presume right. Nice to meet face-to-face,” Eskel gestured toward the bar. “Would you like a drink?”

“Oh, no thank you,” Jaskier politely declined.

“Straight to it, then,” The blonde smiled and pointed towards the small stage while Lambert took a seat at a nearby table. “Our third brother and the other owner is indisposed at the moment. So it will just be us today.”

“Pity, I do enjoy an audience,” Jaskier sat his guitar down and stepped on the stage, taking note of the piano in the corner of the stage. “I was going to play something on my guitar, but now that I see you have this, do you mind if I change it up a bit?”

“Be our guest,” Eskel nodded politely, taking his seat next to his brother.

Jaskier sat at the piano and played a few keys to check the tune and make sure everything was correct. He cleared his throat, cracked his knuckles and began to play the intro on the piano. It was a slightly jazzy piece, one from when he ventured out of his comfort zone. He cleared his throat one more time, took a deep breath and began to sing.

“I wanna get high
I wanna take a break from myself
I wanna live life
I wanna know all about health”

“I wanna get over it
I wanna be somebody else
I wanna survive
I wanna just think about myself”

He could see the pair of them nodding their heads, Eskel’s fingers tapping to the beat and even Lambert looked to be enjoying himself. It was moments like this that made Jaskier remember why he got into music, feeling the beat and the way people enjoyed themselves.

“I wanna feel the sun on my back
I wanna sit back
I wanna feel something I lack

I wanna get over it
I wanna live long and prosper
Don't wanna think twice
I wanna feel old school in hell, ah, say”

Jaskier finished out the song after a few moments, making sure to play through the outro on the piano before turning to the brothers and smiling, hands on his thighs. The pair of them looked fairly impressed, but Jaskier learned a long time ago not to get his hopes up until the job was his.

“What did you think?” Jaskier asked, trying to discreetly wipe his sweaty hands on his jeans. This was the part that he hated the most, having to hear criticism or rejection. It was just part of the industry, but it was still loathsome.

“Pretty good, actually,” Lambert nodded, a slight smile on his face. “I’ve got no notes.”

“I loved it,” Eskel was grinning, looking between his brother and Jaskier. “I’m prepared to offer you the job right now.”

“I’m good with that,” Lambert pursed his lips and nodded.

“Great!” Jaskier smiled, feeling his shoulders sag with relief. “When do you want me to start?”

“Could you do this friday?” Eskel asked, tone hopeful as if he thought Jaskier would say no.

“No problem,” The professor agreed quickly. Eskel and Lambert thanked Jaskier and sent him on his way, the former promising to text Jaskier with the details for Friday later when they were able to confer with their brother.

Jaskier felt like this was a good step forward. It had been years since he had performed live, since before the incident and Jaskier felt it was a necessary stepping stone. That man took his heart and he refused to let him take his music. As Jaskier left the bar and started his journey home, he couldn’t help but feel a tinge of optimism in his chest.

Things were looking up.

Chapter Text

Tonight was the night. Jaskier had spent all week anticipating his performance, from the moment he received the approval on monday. He had awoken this morning, glad that he only had one class to teach that day. Papers were graded and entered into the system well in advance and he gave his students an easy weekend so he would not have too much to catch up on.

When he returned to his little apartment, Jaskier had made sure to send a reminder text to the group chat, not that he actually thought Renfri and Essi forgot. They had promised to come and watch him perform and he knew they were just as eager for it as he was, since it had been nearly six years since he had played for an audience. Jaskier almost forgot how anxious he got before a performance.

He managed to force some food into his nervous belly and get himself into the shower. He had thrown on a pair of dark jeans and a grey jumper that clung to the muscles in his arms quite nicely. His hair was left down, stray pieces falling in his eyes.

The professor had swanned around for a few hours before finally getting to the Drunken Wolf. Eskel had been there to help him set up, patrons already inside and drinking. Lambert was manning the bar and looking more in his element than when Jaskier had last seen him, throwing his head back in a loud laugh at something someone had said.

“Are you excited?” Eskel asked as Jaskier hooked up his guitar.

“A bit nervous, actually,” the brunette was unsure why he had decided to admit his anxieties to this stranger. But, Eskel seemed sweet and he had a kind smile, despite the many scars that marred his face.

“First time playing to a crowd?”

“Oh, god no!” Jaskier laughed a little at that. “I used to do this kind of thing all the time. It’s just been a few years.”

“Why’d you stop?”

“Uh, got my heart broken,” Jaskier admitted, surprised at how easy it was to mention it. “Too depressed to pick up the guitar and then before I knew it, so much time had passed it seemed silly to try again.”

“And yet, here you are,” He smiled sadly at the brunette.

“Here I am,” Jaskier attempted something resembling a confident smile.

“Well jokes on them. They lost out on a good musician.”

He tried not to dwell too hard on that, as it had taken ages for Jaskier to stop blaming himself for the way the relationship ended, mostly because Renfri had threatened it out of him. He wasn’t ready to face that he might have been something of a catch. Therapy had helped, but he had always had low self-esteem. The breakup certainly hadn’t helped in that regard.

“Good luck,” Eskel clapped Jaskier on the back and the brunette was quite surprised at the casual touch. “I better go help, Lambert.”

“Good luck to you too!” Jaskier called stupidly, not sure what exactly he was wishing Eskel good luck with. He finished getting the stage together as quickly as he could. The bell above the door rang and Jaskier’s eyes flitted over to see Renfri and Essi both. They took note of Jaskier on the stage and Essi waved enthusiastically while Renfri gave him an awkward thumbs up. The latter approached on her own, a grin on her face as she leaned against the stage.

“Look at you!” She beamed. “Setting up the stage just like old times.”

“Let’s hope it’s not too much like old times,” Jaskier muttered, earning a frown from his friend.

“Cheer up, darling! You’ll do great! We’re rooting for you!” Essi frowned then for a moment. “At least, I am.”

“Hey!” Renfri joined them, juggling three drinks. She handed a blue fruity one to Essi and handed a steaming mug to Jaskier. “I’m rooting for you too, Jask. Just not as flamboyant as her.”

“Thank you, dear,” Jaskier took the drink from her, surprised at the smell of tea.

“The ponytail bartender sent me with that for you,” Renfri pointed to Eskel across the room who gave a slight wave. Jaskier blushed and waved back before taking a sip of the tea.

Fifteen minutes later Jaskier was all set to start his performance. He anxiously introduced himself to the crowd and started on his set. Jaskier had a few songs in mind when he had gotten on the stage tonight, but he was mostly winging it, as he had always done when performing in his younger years.

It was surreal, the feelings that came rushing back to him when he was on stage, the lights flashing in his eyes and the faces in the crowd. He could see Renfri and Essi dancing with each other. Lambert and Eskel were swaying along to the beat while they served drinks. He was in full euphoria when he saw the door open and a mess of silver hair made his heart skip a beat and his stomach churn.

Geralt.

Jaskier had to stop his hands from faltering on the string of his guitar when he saw him. It didn’t take long for Geralt to look his way and Jaskier wasn’t sure if he was going to throw up or faint, but he tried his best to focus on the song he was finishing. The silver-haired man looked shocked to see him, and Jaskier was mildly surprised that the man had even recognized him. Geralt looked perfectly unkempt, as always.

Jaskier figured this was his best opportunity for a lovely ‘fuck you’. He watched as Geralt made his way to the bar, sitting down on a stool without taking his amber eyes off of Jaskier. The bard finished his song and decided to run with it.

“Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. You’ve been lovely tonight. I’m going to finish with a song I’d like to dedicate to an old friend,” Jaskier smiled and made brief eye contact with Geralt before beginning to strum again, his voice filling the room,

“Take your shit out my house
You can keep that ugly painting
That you bought, I never liked realism anyway
And I guess love comes and goes
And sometimes it re-arranges, I just hope
That next time it comes around, I don't fucking hate it”

Jaskier couldn’t deny the way his voice cracked a bit on the last lyric. He tried his best to remain focused, ignoring the amber eyes burning holes in his skull. In the audience, Essi and Renfri had stopped dancing, the former looking concerned while the latter looked around as if there were an enemy nearby.

“You have little outbursts of sad
And I know that you get that from your dad
But right now, I don't have time for that
You've got 15 minutes till I call your cab
And I never wanna see your face again”

He made eye contact with Geralt once more, seeing a flash of hurt pass over the man’s features before they were schooled into cool neutrality. Jaskier couldn’t be surprised. Geralt had always been careful to keep his emotions from showing. There had been a softness he reserved for Jaskier, but of course, with what happened the brunette was forced to realize it wasn’t saved for him alone.

“Oh man, ain't it sad
Kinda mad
That the next time I see you, you'll be out holding hands
With that girl that you claimed was just a friend
And I'll pretend, that you didn't notice me
When you looked me dead in the eye
And I'll just walk on by”

The rest of the song played out and Jaskier was forced to tear his eyes away from Geralt, taking a bow and forcing a smile to the crowd who cheered him on, just like the old days, as Essi had said. And like the old days, he felt his chest tighten because of a certain silver-haired man.

Jaskier sat his guitar down, taking note that Geralt was no longer at the bar, but approaching the stage. Renfri shared a look with her friend and Jaskier was eternally grateful for her as she began to run interference. She had been there for him after the whole fiasco, awkwardly stroking his hair while he cried in her lap. As taciturn as she was, she was also Jaskier’s best friend and had been ready to fist-fight Geralt as soon as she saw Jaskier’s tear stained face that fateful night. It seemed she was still ready to do that.

Jaskier packed up his guitar and made a beeline for the bar to check in with Eskel before making his well-earned escape. He wasn’t even sure if Geralt would approach him as the man had always been very reserved about their relationship in public, it was unlikely he would approach him now. Still, he didn’t want to chance it.

“That was great, Jaskier!” Eskel beamed as soon as the professor approached him. “Monday didn’t do your voice justice. You’ve got some range! That last song though-”

“Thank you, darling,” Jaskier attempted a smile, though he looked far too frazzled for it to come out genuine. “Listen, I’ve got to run, but I’ll text you.”

“Come on, stay!” Lambert joined the conversation as he handed a pint to the customer next to him. “I’m sure people will want to buy you drinks.”

“I’ll be the first,” Eskel put two shot glasses on the table and filled them with vodka. “Have a drink with me.”

“I really-”

“Julek!”

“Oh fuck,” Jaskier muttered to himself, turning around to see Geralt approaching, Renfri a few feet behind him looking ready to pounce. The tension in her shoulders eased when Jaskier shook his head at her.

“Oh, Jaskier, now is a good time for introductions,” Eskel gestured to Geralt. “This is Lambert and my brother, Geralt. He’s the third owner of The Drunken Wolf.”

“Brother?” Jaskier felt like the wind had been taken out of his sails. Geralt had always been so secretive about his family. He had never told Jaskier he had brothers. He never told Jaskier anything. “I didn’t know you had brothers.”

“You two know each other?” The blonde looked suspiciously between Geralt and Jaskier, obviously trying to read into the palpable tension between them.

“We really don’t,” was Jaskier’s snide reply, unable to stop himself from lashing out. He could see the slight hurt and panic on Geralt’s face. He had clearly never brought up Jaskier to his brothers and the brunette wasn’t about to cause anymore issues. He cleared his throat and plastered on a fake smile. “Geralt and I used to frequent the same coffee shop. Chatted a time or two. Right, Geralt?”

“Right,” came the gruff reply. Jaskier couldn’t deny he looked good. His hair was in a ponytail with an undercut. He was just as muscular as ever, slight stubble gracing his features and a tight t-shirt struggling to cover his form.

“Do you want a drink, Geralt?” Lambert interrupted, pouring himself a shot of vodka to take with Jaskier and Eskel.

“I’ll take one,” Renfri appeared at Jaskier’s side like some kind of guardian angel, slinging her arm around his shoulder and looking at Geralt like she was going to stab him. “But then we’ve got to, Jask.”

Eskel poured another drink for Renfri, offering one to Essi when she joined them, though the young woman declined. The four of them took their shots quickly, Eskel toasting to Jaskier’s fine performance which elicited a soft blush from the musician.

“Do you have a minute?” Geralt asked through gritted teeth, clearly uncomfortable having to ask in front of his brother and Jaskier’s friends.

“No,” Renfri answered for the man, her glare never letting up. “Es and I are taking Jaskier out to dinner. We’re celebrating, you see? Some bastard cheated on him, crushed his beautiful heart to dust and this is Jaskier’s first performance since then. He did remarkably.”

Jaskier ducked his head, muttering that he would like to go. Eskel and Lambert were both quiet, sharing a look and bidding the musician goodbye as Jaskier was ushered past Geralt and towards the door. Essi left a large tip for the two brothers while Renfri made sure to shoulder-check Geralt as hard as she could. Moments like this made Jaskier eternally grateful that he could call those two women friends.

“Look at me,” Renfri grabbed Jaskier’s face the moment they were out of the bard. “Fuck him! Don’t let that cheating dick undo all the progress you made! You killed it on that stage!”

“You were amazing, Jaskier!” Essi interjected. She hadn’t met Jaskier and Renfri til after the whole mess, but she had heard enough about it to hold her own grudge over her friend’s pain. “And you say the word and I’ll have Renfri go in there and break every bone in his body.”

“I’ll fucking do it, too,” Renfri looked dangerously serious.

Jaskier couldn’t stop the sad smile that made it’s way onto his lips. “I love you guys.”

“We love you too, Jask,” Essi smiled and took her friend's hand. “Now, let’s go get dinner. I’m starving.”

It was later, laid in bed after a hot meal and a fresh shower, that Jaskier really had a moment to think. Essi and Renfri had done their best to convince Jaskier to let them stay the night incase he needed support, but he ushered them away and swore he would be fine. And he was. Mostly. Or not at all.

He had to quit. There was no way in hell he was going to keep performing at a bar that his cheating ex co-owned with his two equally hot brothers. One of which was ridiculously sweet and had garnered the first genuine blush that Jaskier had produced in ages. His phone vibrated and Jaskier checked it to find a text from Eskel.

Eskel: Are you alright?

Jaskier smiled despite himself and debated on texting back. He sent a quick text message back explaining that Jaskier was fine, but had been dealing with a personal issue tonight as well as anxiety from his first performance. That seemed believable. Far quicker than he would have expected, his phone lit up with two more texts.

Eskel: I’m a pretty good listener if you need an ear

Eskel: I listen better on saturday mornings over coffee. Say 10am?

Jaskier sighed, knowing he should deny and quickly message Eskel back with his resignation as the weekend musician of the Drunken Wolf. He typed and deleted a series of excuses, trying to find the right words, but he couldn’t seem to send any of them. Maybe breaking the news in person would be easier. It would certainly be the professional thing to do.

Jaskier: I can do 10am

Yes, that was all it was. A quick coffee and Jaskier would apologetically quit his new gig. It would go completely fine. Coffee and quit. No other reason to agree then out of pure professionalism. That’s what he told himself.

Chapter Text

Jaskier is anxious. His heart is racing and he is tapping his fingers in a manic rhythm against the tabletop of the lovely cafe that he and Eskel had agreed to meet up at. Jaskier was chronically early, a habit he picked up after his first year of being a professor. He had shown up at the cafe nearly twenty minutes before their agreed meetup time.

It seemed Eskel wasn’t prone to being late either as he showed up a healthy five minutes before ten o’clock, eyes scanning the room before landing on the corner table that Jaskier had planted himself. His face lit up in a smile and he sauntered over, reaching in his back pocket and holding out an envelope.

“Morning, Jask,” The bar-owner dropped the envelope in front of Jaskier. “First things first, your cut from last night.”

“Thank you, dear,” Jaskier attempts a smile, taking the envelope and stuffing it in his wallet. “Let’s order, then.”

The pair approached the counter, Jaskier ordering a lavender latte and Eskel getting a caramel mocha. Jaskier insisted on paying, though the pair argued for a moment while the barista stared at them with a humorous smirk on her face.

“Thanks for agreeing to meet with me,” Eskel said as soon as they took their seats again. “You were fucking fantastic last night! I’m excited to see what you’ve got for tonight.”

“Yes, about that,” Jaskier cleared his throat and prepared for the awkward conversation ahead. Perhaps that’s why he felt so adamant about buying the coffees. It was the least he could do with the news he had to drop. “I don’t think I can keep working for you all. You’re all lovely and I had a great time, but I don’t think it’s a good idea. After tonight, I’m afraid you’ll have to find someone else.”

“What? Jaskier, no, you can’t quit. Everyone loved you last night and it really brought a crowd in,” Eskel learned forward, his brow furrowed and a look of hurt on his face. “And you looked so happy up there.”

“Yes, I know, but really it’s for the best,” Jaskier tried to be gentle. God, he felt like he was breaking up with someone. “You’ll find someone to take my place. I can even recommend some people.”

Eskel’s lips pressed into a hard line, eyes scanning the musician up and down. “Is this ‘cause of Geralt?”

Caught off guard, the brunette felt himself scrambling for an excuse. Because that was the truth, wasn’t it? Jaskier certainly would not be quitting if he hadn’t run into Geralt last night and found out he owned the damn bar. “No! Why would you think that? I barely know the man!”

“Oh, bullshit,” Eskel’s tone was surprisingly gentle. “A blind man could see the tension between you two last night. And I should know, I was literally right next to you.”

Jaskier thought of making an excuse, trying to deny it, but he felt he had little energy for it. Instead, he took a different approach. “Look, it’s really not my place to discuss. If he never mentioned it, then I won’t either. Just know that it would be incredibly uncomfortable to be around him two times a week every week. Excruciating, darling.”

Eskel seemed unconvinced and Jaskier was worried he would keep prodding. The professor was not a particularly good liar, but there must have been a reason Geralt didn’t want his family to find out about the pair of them. He wasn’t going to be the one to bring it up.

“What if you didn’t have to see Geralt? We could make sure he stays in the back and does paperwork or even has the day off on those days. There’s no reason you two have to run into each other.”

“That’s very sweet, but it’s not my place to push Geralt out of his own business. I’m truly not that good of a musician,” Jaskier attempted to joke, trying to cover up his discomfort.

“Look, don’t make any rash decisions. Just play tonight, see how you feel and I’ll talk to my brothers and see if we can come up with some sort of arrangement. We’ve been looking for someone to play on the weekends for a long time, Jaskier. And you really are that good.”

“Fine,” Jaskier felt his resolve crumble. How could he not, when Eskel was being so reasonable and looking at him with those puppy eyes? It reminded him of the way Geralt used to look at him when he wanted Jaskier to agree to watch another crime documentary or order pizza instead of Chinese. Guilt tripping ran in the family, apparently. “We’ll see how it goes tonight.”

“Ah, thank you, Jask!” The blonde grinned triumphantly before leaning back in his seat and taking another sip of his coffee. “It will be hard to break the news to Geralt though. Especially after he was so eager to get your number from me last night.”

“What?” Jaskier nearly choked on his own coffee. “He asked for my number?”

Eskel looked like the cat who caught the canary. “Would that interest you?”

“Oh, I don’t appreciate the cheek,” The brunette rolled his eyes and tried to school his features into neutrality.

“He did though. Practically begged me for it, as much as Geralt can beg, I suppose.”

Try as he might, Jaskier just couldn’t imagine Geralt prodding and begging for anything. Even when they had sex, Geralt was always fairly dominant and by the end of it Jaskier was usually the one begging. He tried not to think about it though, lest he blush like a schoolgirl in front of Eskel and lose what little credibility he had.

“I find that very hard to believe, dear,” Jaskier smiled wryly and took a sip of his mocha.

“I do suppose you would have to see that to believe it,” Eskel smirked a bit. “I didn’t give it to him, obviously. He wouldn’t tell me why he wanted it. Just got all guilty looking.”

Jaskier couldn’t deny that he was curious about it. He hadn’t heard from Geralt in years, not since the night that Jaskier threw him out. He remembered vividly the way that the white-haired bastard had pleaded and insisted that he hadn’t cheated despite Jaskier seeing him kiss that purple-eyed demoness with his own two eyes. Jaskier hadn’t been interested in any half-assed explanation and had simply tossed Geralt’s things out. He changed the locks, changed his phone number and even spent two weeks sleeping at Renfri’s apartment in case Geralt had attempted to come by the apartment.

The fact that Geralt was still so eager to try and explain despite six years having passed, Jaskier was almost curious as to why it still mattered to the man. It’s not like the professor had divulged his secrets or outed him to his family, he had no reason to engage with Jaskier, especially if the former wasn’t actively trying to engage with him either. It piqued his curiosity. And maybe his self-destructive tendencies.

“I suppose you don’t have to hide Geralt in a closet, at least not for tonight,” Jaskier sighed dramatically as if he was making a personal sacrifice, which he was. “Let him roam about and I’ll see if I can tolerate him.”

“Bit like cats sniffing each other, I suppose,” Eskel teased. “It should be fun.”

Six hours later, Jaskier lay on Renfri’s bed, curled in a ball and groaning dramatically, a performance worthy of an Oscar. The bed’s owner stood in the doorway, arms crossed and her eyebrow raised. Essi was seated on the bed, gently patting Jaskier’s head.

“I should have quit,” Jaskier muttered. “I have to perform there in three hours and I’m gonna have to stare at him.”

“You don’t have to stare at him, just look literally anywhere else,” Renfri interjected,

“You can’t quit, Jaskier,” Essi prodded him, pushing at his shoulder until he rolled enough to face her. “Don’t let him have that power.”

“As surprising as this is, I actually agree with Es on this,” Renfri sighed and moved to sit on the bed next to Jaskier’s crumpled form. “I think it will be good to keep playing there. You can’t go your whole life avoiding reminders of him.”

“I can.”

“Maybe,” She conceded. “But it’s not healthy.”

“Think of it like exposure therapy,” Essi chimed in. “Like if you’re afraid of snakes. You just start hanging out with snakes and pretty soon, you’re so used to it that snakes are totally fine!”

“I suppose that makes sense,” Jaskier reluctantly conceded.

“And if it doesn’t work, I can always hit him,” Renfri offered as a sort of consolation prize, earning a disapproving look from the other woman and a laugh from Jaskier.

“I love you two,” Jaskier sighed, a smile finally making its way to his face for the first time since he had arrived at her apartment. The professor sat up on the bed and straightened his shoulder. “Alright. I can do this. I can face the man who ripped my heart out of my chest and spat on it.”

“That’s…sort of the spirit. We’ll work on it.”

Chapter Text

Geralt felt sick to his stomach, like the way he always got as a teenager right before a big test. It rippled and churned so much so that he was unable to eat breakfast and had forced himself to eat half a sandwich for lunch, tossing the rest haphazardly at Lambert, which earned an annoyed grunt from the redhead. Not that it stopped him from eating it.

He had been at the bar since noon, going over paperwork and balancing the books in an attempt to take his mind off the issue at hand. The issue being Jaskier’s performance that night. His stomach swooped at the thought of seeing the brunette again. Seeing him last night had been a shock, but a most welcome one. Geralt supposed that the way he felt when he saw Jaskier last night was the way a man lost in the desert must feel upon finding an oasis.

He wanted so much to pull the musician aside and explain everything that had happened, but Jaskier evidently still kept Renfri around like a guard dog, making it difficult to get the man alone. Aside from that, he had his brothers around and Geralt could still feel the clutches of terror at the thought of them finding out about his previous relationship with Jaskier.

Don’t get him wrong, Geralt’s family never said a homophobic word about anyone, but there was still that deep-down fear that told him it might be different for him. The fear that said his brothers might have no issue with who a stranger fucks, but it was always different when it was someone you knew. That’s when people showed their true colors. That was, of course, why he had kept his relationship with Jaskier secret for all that time. It was easier then, since Vesemir and his brothers all lived out of town. Only in the last two years did they move back to Novigrad.

Eskel arrived shortly after Geralt did, looking far too happy for a man who was walking into work and it set Geralt’s hackles up. He had snapped at Eskel the night before after Jaskier left, asking for the brunette’s phone number and earning a snort and a firm ‘no’. He didn’t like the look in his eye when he denied Geralt.

“What’s wrong with your face?” Lambert smirked, narrowing his eyes at Eskel’s face. “Good morning, or what?”

“Quite good,” Eskel shrugged nonchalantly. “I went with Jaskier to this little hole in the wall coffee shop. It was good.”

“You were with Jaskier?” Geralt could feel jealousy curling in his stomach. His brother had evidently grown comfortable with Jaskier in the last week if he was fine asking him to coffee. It felt worse knowing that Jaskier had agreed, but Geralt tried to calm himself by remembering that Eskel was straight, even if he did look far too satisfied while talking about it.

“Yeah,” The blonde answered. “I gave him his cut from last night. Little bird tried to quit.”

Geralt did his best not to bristle at the nickname his brother was using for his ex-boyfriend. He was fighting a losing battle. It was Lambert who spoke next though, red eyebrows furrowing in confusion. “What? Really?”

“Apparently he didn’t want to have to look at Geralt twice a week,” Eskel’s words made Geralt shrivel and shrink, a pit forming in his stomach at the thought of Jaskier working so hard to get away from him. “I offered to lock Geralt in a shed for the performances each week, but he was gracious enough to deny that and see if he could deal with him tonight.”

“Wow,” Lambert whistled low. “He really hates the white haired bastard. Why?”

“You know he wouldn’t say,” Eskel turned to look at his younger brother, an eyebrow raised and his tone sharp. “Why does he hate you, Geralt? I thought you two were only coffee-buddies? Or is that not true?”

Gritting his teeth, the white haired man did his best not to react, as much as he wanted to shout at his brother for bringing up his worst mistake and rubbing the fact that Jaskier hated him in his face. “I don’t know what you’re trying to imply, but I suggest you don’t.”

The blonde likely picked up on Geralt’s tone, but he wouldn’t back down from the challenge. Ordinarily, Geralt would wonder why Eskel was so quick to pick a fight with his brother over a stranger, but it was Jaskier. The silver-haired man was intimately familiar with how easily people fell into the sway of Jaskier’s charisma. He was charm incarnate and there was never any ill-motivations, which made him all the sweeter to be around.

“I’m not implying anything,” Eskel shrugged, putting on an air of innocence.

“It does feel like you’re implying something,” Lambert piped up from behind the bar where he had abandoned his task of polishing glasses.

“No. I’m sure it’s perfectly normal for coffee-buddies to act like spurned lovers and refuse to be in the same room. Seems normal, right, Geralt?”

Geralt stood up from his seat at the bar and approached the blonde, face inches from his and a seering anger in his eyes. Everything radiating from him dared Eskel to keep going. “You need to drop it, Eskel. Now.”

“Why?” He needled, his own eyes fiery and irritated.

“Because it’s none of your fucking business, that’s why!”

“It really could be,” Eskel insinuated, the corner of his lip curling up in a half smirk. This was it. This was the moment Geralt was completely ready to hit his brother for even daring to insinuate he could have anything to do with Jaskier. His fist clenched and his jaw set, ready to strike. Unfortunately for Geralt and Eskel, Lambert saw this coming to blows and came around the bar to knock their heads together, literally. He grabbed the backs of their heads and slammed them together, knocking them both out of their consuming anger and forcing them to step back from each other.

“Knock it off! You’re circling each other like animals fighting over territory!” Lambert was shaking his head, arms crossed. “I can’t believe I’m the sensible one between you two fucks.”

Geralt growled and picked up his papers, secluding himself in the office for the rest of the evening. He could hear the bar begin to fill up, doing his best to ignore all of it while he focused on the paperwork. He very resolutely did not check the time as he feared he might be consumed with waiting for Jaskier to perform. He had to talk to him tonight. He had to explain. It wasn’t his fault. It was a mistake that, after six years, still haunted him.

Of course, eventually he could hear the musician’s tell-tale laugh from outside the office door and Geralt could not keep himself from following it. He left the office and his eyes were immediately drawn through the crowd to Jaskier.

The man was like steak to a starving person. His hair had grown out and he had a scruffy beard that Geralt found very attractive on him. He was wearing a blue button up shirt, the sleeves rolled up and more than a few of the top buttons undone. There were multiple silver necklaces laying against the skin of his chest, drawing eyes to the area. He was mouthwatering and, unfortunately, looking very amused at someone else.

Eskel was next to Jaskier on the stage, helping the brunette set up and evidently saying something funny from the way Jaskier tipped his head back and laughed. Jealousy swirled in Geralt like a bad sickness, making his face flush and his fists hurt from how hard he was clenching them. Still, he could do nothing as he didn’t want to ruin Jaskier’s mood or performance.

Time ticked on as Geralt went behind the bar and made himself a whiskey on the rocks, taking a seat and getting ready for Jaskier’s performance. Eskel left the brunette to his own devices, reaching out and touching the man’s arm before leaving the stage. Geralt had to keep from breaking the glass in his hand at the action.

Eskel went behind the bar and began serving customers, but not before flashing a smug grin at Geralt, which the latter did his best to ignore. If he wanted Jaskier to keep performing and talk to Geralt, then it was in his best interest to not cause a scene.

Jaskier began his set, gaining the attention of the crowd. Geralt recognized a few people who came back from yesterday to watch him perform again. At the very front he could see Renfri and the blonde woman that was with her and Jaskier last night. As loath as he was to see Renfri again, he was glad that the pitbull of a woman was still doing her best to support Jaskier. He was glad someone had been there for the musician when Geralt couldn’t be.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m gonna finish out the night with a song I wrote a few years back about a rather personal experience,” Jaskier introduced his final song before beginning to strum on his guitar. It was an upbeat sound and Geralt was hopeful this wouldn’t be another way to lash out at him.

“I've been waiting for you to come
Staring out at the setting sun
You've been running 'round again
With that girl you call your friend

And it's driving me insane
Does she make you say her name?”

Geralt’s hopes were dashed as soon as they got into the lyrics. The beat was happy, but the words crooning from Jaskier’s lips were anything but, speaking of betrayal and infidelity that Geralt wanted nothing more than to refute.

“Does it hurt when you lie to me
If you'd asked, I would set you free
But the time to forgive is gone
The day has passed, the night has come”

The crowd was swaying side to side and out of the corner of his eye he could see even Lambert bobbing his head along to the beat, but Geralt felt sick. He felt shame, his life and mistakes being sung out loud for all to hear.

“Tell me when did I lose your love?
Was it her you were thinking of
All those nights when you made me swoon
Making love beneath the moon?

Were you dreaming of her touch?
When you couldn't get enough”

Jaskier’s eyes connected with his for a brief moment and Geralt could see the hurt in those blue eyes that he had spent so much time looking into. It made his chest clench and the ever-present guilt rage even harder.

“Well, I could never betray your love
You had me, heart and soul
You might never have known it, boy
But I was all yours
I know I'll never reclaim your love
But that's just how it goes
I ain't the person I was
This morning when the sun rose”

Jaskier finished his song and took a bow, the bar erupting into applause and cheers for him. Lambert was whistling loudly behind him, unable to clap while he poured drinks. Jaskier hopped down from the stage, a grin on his face that warmed Geralt’s heart. The man approached the bar, Eskel rounding to meet him in front of it.

“You were a vision up there!” Eskel complimented, throwing an arm around Jaskier’s shoulders and pulling him into a sort of side hug.

“Oh, love, you flatter me,” Jaskier was preening under the attention, Essi and Renfri following behind him.

“Are you going to stay tonight?” Lambert asked.

“I’ll buy you a drink,” Geralt interrupted, Jaskier’s eyes finally falling on him just as his smile disappeared. The white-haired man did his best to seem approachable. “If you have a minute to..talk.”

“I can’t,” Jaskier looked at the floor and Geralt had to hold back a sigh. “Talk that is. I need to be going. Early morning and all.”

“I’m still getting you a drink,” Geralt turned towards Lambert. “Get him a lemon drop shot.”

“Oh,” Jaskier muttered from nearby, biting his lip. “I’m surprised you remembered my favorite.”

“I haven’t forgotten a thing, Julek,” Geralt turned his head again, making eye contact with the brunette. He resisted the urge to blink, hoping his face conveyed some of the swirl of emotions going on inside him.

“Get us a round of shots, Lamb,” Eskel ordered. The redhead nodded, taking orders from everyone. Renfri ordered a shot of vodka, Essi wanting what Jaskier was having. Lambert, Eskel, and Geralt all took whiskey.

The group each took their respective drinks and got ready, looking around to make sure everyone had theirs. Geralt cleared his throat, gaining the attention of the group, including Jaskier. “To Jaskier, back again.”

“And better than ever!” Essi continued, the group lifted their shots to cheers before downing them. Geralt hardly took his eyes off of the brunette while he drank and he found that for once Jaskier didn’t look away either.

Chapter Text

His phone was beeping. Jaskier could have sworn he put it on silent as he always did when he was grading papers. He ignored it and finished marking the essays. He was nearly done, just a little longer. It beeped again.

Jaskier grumbled to himself, taking another sip of coffee and picking up his phone to toss it onto the couch, a good few feet away from his desk where he was grading. The professor bravely finished grading the last few papers and leaned back in his chair. His eyes finally fell to the phone that he had discarded on the couch. Picking it up, he noticed a barrage of new text messages in the group chat.

It had been five weeks of Jaskier performing at the Drunken Wolf and that had given ample time for the group to grow closer. Essi and Eskel had dragged Renfri, Lambert, and Jaskier into a group chat that was usually filled with inane chatter. It was often a source of amusement these days. Bringing himself back to the present, Jaskier quickly scanned through the texts.

Eskel: Everyone free tonight?

Renfri: Depends on why you’re asking

Essi: She means yes. What did you have in mind

Eskel: Triss is covering the bar tonight. Game night?

Lambert: We’ll include free booze and food

Jaskier had to laugh at Lambert’s interjection. It seemed he at least knew how to speak Renfri’s language, since Jaskier was fairly certain she didn’t interact with new people without some sort of incentive. Jaskier had been shocked when she started making conversation with Essi after they first met. Of course, when he saw the way the two women looked at eachother, maybe it wasn’t so shocking.

Renfri: Fine. Time?

Eskel: Jask? Are you down?

Essi: He’s probably grading papers

Lambert: nerd

The man in question rolled his eyes and began typing out his reply. A game night sure sounded fun, and it would do good for Jaskier to get out of the house without performing or being at class. There was only one thing that was really heavy on his mind about this.

Jaskier: I was grading papers. Asshole.

Jaskier: Who all is going to be there

Jaskier bit his lip as he waited for a reply. He wasn’t sure if he was hoping that Geralt would be there or hoping that he wouldn’t. Over the course of the last few weeks, the pair had danced around each other awkwardly, some of the anger and irritation on Jaskier’s end fading with continued proximity. Geralt was being…kind. After each performance he would get Jaskier a cup of tea and leave him be for the most part, occasionally offering a “good job” but he did his best to give Jaskier space. He no longer bothered him to talk about their past relationship. It was respectful and it gave Jaskier the time he needed.

Eskel: I mean, all of us. We were going to ask Geralt if you were comfortable with that. But if not we just wont tell him

Jaskier: No. It’s fine. Invite him.

Jaskier watched as the conversation unfolded. He got the details for the evening and agreed. Jaskier silenced his phone and instead used it to connect to a speaker and turned on some music. Hozier drifted through the apartment while the professor went about getting ready. Everyone had agreed to meet at five, which was in three hours. Jaskier figured that he would grab a few things to take with him on the way.

The brunette took a long shower, using the heat and the steady stream of water to help relax his back muscles after hunching over papers all day. He was slow to get ready, drying his hair and debating on shaving his beard, but he liked it and decided to just trim it. He tried not to think about why he was putting so much effort into his looks this evening. Geralt might not even be there. If you asked him why he wanted to look good for his ex, Jaskier would use the excuse that your ex must always feel that you are hot so they understand what they lost. Truthfully, he was fearful he did it for another reason entirely.

Jaskier put on a pair of loose pants, made of a comfortable fabric. He grabbed the rainbow-knitted jumper that Essi had made him last Christmas to accompany it. If he was going to be playing games til late, he was going to be comfortable doing it. On his feet were a pair of custom van’s that Renfri had given him as a birthday gift, rainbow patterned and exceedingly bright, embroidered with the word ‘Dandelion’ on the back of each heel.

The professor spent the rest of his time making a quick trip to the store so that he wouldn’t show up empty handed. Jaskier’s parents may have kicked him out at a young age, but it wasn’t before his mother had instilled the values of being a good guest in him. It was practically blasphemy to come without gifts.

When Jaskier finally stood in front of Eskel’s door, he found himself more nervous than he had been on his first night performing again. It was a lovely little house on the edge of the city, one that both Eskel and Lambert shared, according to their texts. There were rose bushes in the yard and the grass was green. Of course, it was all offset by the mat before the door which read ‘Fuck off’ in bold letters.

“Jaskier!” Eskel was beaming the second he opened the door. Jaskier found himself staring at the man, a slight blush on his face. Everytime he had seen Eskel, he was dressed for the bar, hair tied back and a flannel shirt on. This time, the man had his hair down, one side tucked behind his ear while stray pieces on the other side threatened to cover his eye. He was wearing a pair of jeans and a very soft looking yellow jumper. Had Jaskier been a weaker man he might have swooned.

“Eskel,” The professor swallowed thickly and tried to bring himself back from his gaping. He quickly brought his hands up into view, a grocery bag in one and a bottle of wine in the other. “I come bearing gifts.”

“You know,” Eskel looked the other man up and down with a teasing smirk. “I could say something about you being a gift by yourself, but I’ll never turn down wine. Or grocery bags, I suppose.”

The blonde stepped aside for Jaskier to enter, the professor having to scoot in sideways to avoid bumping into Eskel. “Well what’s inside the bag is the real treat.”

“Even better. Would you like a tour?”

Essi and Renfri had yet to show up, the pair having sent a quick text that Essi couldn’t find her wallet and so they had left their apartment late. In the meantime, Jaskier was given a full tour of the home. It was relatively neat, which Jaskier did not expect since Lambert lived there. They had art on the walls and a fair number of plants that Eskel was desperately trying to keep alive.

The kitchen walls were a shocking shade of yellow and the countertops were white marble with the cupboards painted blue. It was definitely a different aesthetic than he would have expected from the two men, but he knew looks could be deceiving. Lambert was in the center of the kitchen preparing a slew of different snacks. As soon as he saw Jaskier’s grocery bag and wine, he relieved the professor of his items and added them to the mix.

“Yes, hello to you too, Lambert,” Jaskier rolled his eyes fondly. The redhead had grown on him these last few weeks and he found himself less put off by his abrasive nature than he had at first.

“Hey,” the redhead grunted, hardly paying attention as he pitter-pattered around the kitchen.

Eskel fondly rolled his eyes at his brother and turned his attention back to Jaskier, leading the brunette to their living room where there were stacks of games waiting. “I figured we’d start with Cards Against Humanity, make it an easy beginning for everyone.”

“You’re in for a treat,” Jaskier smirked. “Everytime Renfri plays that game she’s a menace. The cards she plays are completely heinous!”

There was a knock at the doorbell and the pair turned to face each other. “Speak of the devil. That’s probably her and Essi. I’ll grab the door, in the meantime, you can connect to the speakers and play some music.”

The professor wasted no time in connecting his phone to the speaker and flipping through his music, settling on some Teddy Swims. He could only make out soft voices over the music now blaring from the speakers, the sound helping ease his anxiety about being in a new space. He swayed slightly to the music, singing along with the lyrics.

“I dug my grave watchin' the way you move
You took me higher than I ever flew, ooh
Too many times, gave you a second chance
Baby, I'm just a man, I'm, I'm just a man”

Footsteps approached and Jaskier heard a voice that was distinctly not Essi or Renfri. Spinning in place, the brunette came face to face with Geralt. The man was wearing a pair of black joggers and a Metallica t-shirt with the sleeves cut off, revealing his ridiculously muscular arms. His white hair was pulled into a bun, showing off his undercut, and his face was clean shaven.

“Geralt,” Jaskier was the first to speak, giving a slight nod to the other man. His mouth was dry, Geralt looked delectable, but he didn’t want his ex to see him shaken.

“Jask,” His voice was soft again, like it had always been for Jaskier and the brunette had to stop himself from bristling at the familiarity. He wasn’t here to argue with anyone, he was here to have fun with his friends, and Geralt, he supposed. “Here.”

Geralt had reached into a bag and thrust a small pouch of sweets towards the brunette, looking expectantly at him. Jaskier blinked owlishly at the man before hesitantly taking it, turning it over to see that it was a pouch of grasshopper cookies. “What’s this?”

Shrugging softly, the other man averted his gaze and it was a surprising action. He almost looked timid, which was a stark difference from the stoic and neutral aura that he almost always radiated. “I remember they were your favorite. Eskel said to bring snacks.”

“Oh,” Jaskier was caught completely off guard. It was a kind gesture and he wasn’t sure how to take that from Geralt. He supposed it would be rude to refuse it, but at the same time, it seemed odd to accept a gift from one’s ex, as much as the professor truly did love grasshopper cookies. “Thank you.”

The pair stood awkwardly in the living room, neither knowing what to say or do next. Thankfully, Jaskier was saved by Eskel, as he usually was as of late. The blonde approached Jaskier and squeezed his shoulder, gently guiding him to the couch. “Sit down. You’re making me anxious, standing there.”

“Yes, of course, darling. My apologies,” Jaskier fondly rolled his eyes, allowing himself to be corralled towards the furniture and pushed into a sitting position. The brunette crossed his legs and leaned back on the couch. Eskel disappeared into the kitchen just as Geralt rounded the coffee table and took one of the soft chairs near where the brunette was sitting.

The pair remained quiet, neither knowing how to break the tension around each other anymore. Geralt truly had tried to keep from pestering Jaskier too much, making sure to keep his movements and words clipped and platonic, yet every time they were within sight of each other the tension sizzled in the air, and no amount of respectful distance could keep the heat out of Geralt’s eyes when he looked at Jaskier. It reminded the professor of when they had first met, when the silver-haired man had tip-toed around Jaskier but still flashed him those wanting looks.

“How’s classes?” Geralt was the one to break the silence with possibly the most inane question in the world. Dull as it was, it honestly caught Jaskier off guard, the sheer generic quality.

Clearing his throat, he mustered up a bit of a smile. “Good. I’ve got a few talented ones in this group.”

“You’d know,” Geralt nodded. “You were always talented. Ridiculously so.”

Blushing, the brunette turned and looked down as if his fingernails were the most fascinating thing in the room. “You flatter me. Talent is only half the recipe.”

“You worked hard too. Jaskier,” Something in Geralt’s tone made the professor look up at his ex, cheeks still red as golden eyes burned into his with a fierce intensity. “You’ve always been an amazing musician. You’re talented but you’re skilled as well. I’ve seen you sing songs about blowjobs that made girl’s blush and I’ve seen you perform Piano Sonata number twenty-nine for an auditorium of benefactors.”

Jaskier swallowed, he remembered that day vividly. He had been dressed in a deep blue tux that had brought out his eyes and Geralt hadn’t been anywhere in sight when Jaskier began his performance. He had assumed that the other man was held up at his job, bartending before he managed to buy his own establishment. But six minutes into the performance he caught a glimpse of silver hair and found Geralt in the audience, dressed casually and with a sheen of sweat on his forehead, having run the entire way straight from work.

When Jaskier had finished, Geralt had hugged him with that ferocity he reserved for the musician and insisted on taking him out to dinner. They ate, drank, and late in the night when Geralt was buried deep into Jaskier, a whole new sheen of sweat covering them both, the silver-haired man had whispered over and over in Jaskier’s ear that he was proud of him and that Jaskier was extraordinary.

The memory brought a swell of pain in his chest and the brunette did everything in his power to not begin tearing up. His voice wobbled when he replied. “Yes, well, I’m out of practice. That was a long time ago, Geralt.”

“Not that long ago,” Geralt shrugged, the undertone of their conversation obvious to both of them, the implications clear. “You’re still extraordinary.”

“Here you are,” Thankfully the moment was broken by Eskel entering again, a glass of wine in one hand and two beers in the other. He handed the wine to Jaskier before giving his brother one of the beers. His nose scrunched up rather adorably when he caught sight of the emotion in Jaskier’s eyes. “You alright?”

“Perfectly fine, darling,” Jaskier plastered on his most convincing smile, fake to only those who knew him well. He reached out and grasped Eskel’s hand. “Sit next to me.”

Eskel was about to sit down when he heard the doorbell once again, looking a little guilty at Jaskier. However, it was Geralt who stood, clearing his throat awkwardly as he looked somewhat resentfully at Jaskier’s hand around his brother’s. “I’ll get it.”

The silver-haired man was gone in a flash and the pair were left alone. Eskel flopped onto the couch next to Jaskier, flashing the brunette a sweet smile. The man was truly the sweetest of the brother’s and he made the brunette’s stomach swoop like a teenager again, though not in quite the same way he had felt when meeting Geralt.

Voices came from down the hall and Geralt soon returned with Essi and Renfri in tow, the pair both in comfortable clothes and carrying snacks. They greeted Jaskier and Eskel before making their way into the kitchen with the snacks at Geralt’s direction. Before long, Lambert had sorted everything and the group was moved into the kitchen to begin playing, a drink in everyone’s hands and treats all around.

Renfri proved Jaskier’s earlier warning to be correct, having provided the most disturbing card combinations while she somehow kept the straightest face. Even Geralt had lifted his eyebrow at the woman at one point. Lambert found it all hysterical and clapped her lithe frame on the back so often Jaskier worried she’d have a bruise.

Soon, they switched the cards out for an actual board game, one that Eskel took far too long to explain, according to Essi. She admonished him and forced him back into his chair, insisting they’d figure it out along the way. The blonde man had pouted at being dismissed and flopped into his chair.

“Don’t worry, dear. She’s just spent too long with Renfri. Her impatient attitude rubbed off on poor Essi,” Jaskier patted Eskel’s thigh, thoroughly unaware of the weary look Geralt shot him from his other side.

“She’s right,” Lambert groused, cheeks a pleasant red after his fourth drink. “We’re here to play games, not listen to a TED talk.”

Eskel held a hand up to his chest in mock hurt as the others around the table laughed. He threw his arm around Jaskier’s shoulders and dragged the brunette into his side, his tone feigning sadness as he spoke. “Jaskier, you’re the only one here who loves me.”

“I promise, darling, I shall support you through all their pitiful insults,” Jaskier swore, crossing his heart and giving Eskel his most serious face, which only earned a delightful laugh from the blonde, tugging Jaskier closer to his side, the arm staying around his shoulders.

The games continued late into the night, Lambert winning a fair few despite how increasingly inebriated he became through the night. Essi followed his lead, drinking her fill and becoming more raucous in that delightful way she always had, managing to somehow be a mess without being too much to handle. Jaskier had always admired that quality about her, the freedom to be imperfect without gaining the ire of others. He always found his imperfections disenchanted others instead of endearing them to him.

It was well past midnight when they decided to pack it up. Jaskier had switched to water halfway through the night, wanting to avoid getting drunk and spending his morning classes with a hangover. Geralt, surprisingly, had only had one drink.

Essi and Renfri were the first to disappear, the latter dragging the former out to a cab after waving goodbye at everyone. Lambert and Eskel were in the process of cleaning up, Jaskier having been banished from helping despite his many attempts.

He now stood in the living room, gathering his discarded things. A throat cleared behind him and the brunette whirled around, a hand on his chest in fright as he came face-to-face with Geralt. Jaskier let out a startled laugh, the tension in his shoulders easing somewhat. “Oh, Geralt. You scared me. Still have those silent footsteps, I see.”

“It’s a blessing and a curse,” Geralt shrugged awkwardly. He looked nervous, which Jaskier had never seen before. Geralt had always exuded a sort of I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude that for the life of him Jaskier could never emulate. Now, that look was gone, replaced with a pensive expression, an internal struggle going on inside that the brunette was not privy to, at least until Geralt began to speak. “Would you- er. Could I get your phone number again? I promise I won’t bother you. It’d just be nice…to have…I guess.”

Jaskier blinked rather stupidly at the silver-haired man. While it was true that Geralt was a man of few words and wasn’t particularly adept at expressing any kind of emotion, Jaskier didn’t think he had ever seen him stumble over his words like this. When he did speak, Geralt was always forthright and blunt. Perhaps it was the way he asked, that unsure quality, or it was the way his golden eyes looked at Jaskier like a dog expecting to be kicked for begging for a scrap of food. Whatever it was, it broke the resolve Jaskier had been scrabbling for ever since Geralt reappeared in his life and the musician found himself sighing, tipping his head back rather dramatically while he gave a long groan.

“Give me your phone,” Jaskier held out his hand, trying his best to look unimpressed while his heart nearly rabbeted out of his chest. Geralt hastily, almost clumsily, tugged his phone from his pocket and slipped into his exes hand, fingers gently brushing the other man’s as he did so. The pair shared a look before Geralt typed in his pin for the phone to open and Jaskier tapped into the contacts. He had just finished saving his phone number in Geralt’s contact when the phone began to vibrate and a name flashed across the screen in bold letters. ‘Yenn’.

Almost as if burned, Jaskier shoved the phone back into Geralt’s hand. He could feel his insides flip, an unpleasant ache that was worse than any hangover he could have experienced. The familiar taste of bile was in the back of his throat and he had to fight back the memories of that harpy’s claws in Geralt’s shirt, her lips slated insistently against his. God, he was going to be sick. It was moments like this that really illustrated how much he overestimated his ‘I’m-fine’ attitude.

“Your girlfriend is calling,” Jaskier snapped as he dropped the phone into Geralt’s hands.

“Girlfriend?” Geralt looked confused before checking the name on the phone. “Fuck! Jask give me just one second-”

“I’m leaving,” Jaskier picked up his keys he had set on Eskel’s coffee table, tucking his own phone into his pocket. He went into the kitchen and tossed a little wave in Lambert and Eskel’s direction, plastering on his best fake smile. “I’m off, darlins. Have a lovely night!”

“Jask, please, wait one- Fuck!” The silver-haired man cursed as he answered the call and placed the phone next to his ear, his tone snappish. “What, Yenn?”

“Oh, one sec, Jask!” Eskel called, dropping a bowl onto the counter and making his way towards the brunette. “I’ll drive you home.”

“Oh, it’s fine, Eskel. Don’t worry,” Jaskier was shaking his head, already walking towards the front door.

“It’s no trouble, really,” Eskel insisted and with those kind eyes directed at him, how could Jaskier refuse? He nodded his agreement, ignoring Geralt’s irritated voice behind him as he was led from the house, a hand on the small of his back.

Jaskier took deep breaths as he got into Eskel’s truck, trying his best to keep the rising emotions from showing on his face. He liked Eskel and he wasn’t keen on admitting the whole fiasco to him, so he did his best to pretend that everything was fine. And it should be, it had been six years since he caught Geralt cheating. He was fine, totally fine. Ready to move on, even if Geralt still was with that sea hag.

They drove in silence for a long moment and unlike the ones with Geralt, this one was soft and un-charged. There was no heat in the air between them, no mix of resentment and want. It was something kinder and sweeter, like the awkward air of a first date with your longtime crush.

“I’m glad you came over,” Eskel finally broke the silence, his voice gentle in the static air. “I had fun.”

“Me too,” Jaskier found he truly meant it. Even if that moment with Geralt had gone wrong, he enjoyed the rest of it. He enjoyed Eskel. “I like spending time with you.”

“The feeling is mutual,” Eskel muttered as they pulled up to the front of Jaskier’s apartment building. Surprisingly, the blonde unbuckled as well, determined to walk the professor to his front door.

They walked slowly up the stairs, shoulders bumping softly and Jaskier found his spirits lifting with every step. Being around Eskel was like a baptism, washing away the negativity that floated around Jaskier like rain clouds. Something about the blonde radiated pure pleasure and many times the musician felt himself gravitating towards his pull. It was comforting.

“This is me,” Jaskier announced, though there was no other possibility since it was the only flat above the coffee shop. “Thank you again for having me tonight.”

“We should make game nights a thing, get everyone out for a night but not to the bar,” Eskel suggested, earning a hum of agreement from the brunette. There wasn’t much else to say but neither seemed interested in separating, just as neither seemed too interested in looking way from each other.

Eskel moved first, placing his hands on either side of Jaskier’s face. His movements were slow, giving Jaskier ample time to pull away. When that didn’t happen, the bartender leaned closer, pressing his lips against Jaskier’s in a gentle kiss.
Jaskier inhaled sharply, his hands coming up to grasp Eskel’s forearms. This had been building since they met, he could feel the easy attraction between the two of them growing and he hadn’t stopped it. He thought he wanted it, wanted this feeling of Eskel’s scarred lips pressing against his own softer ones. In any other circumstances, had they met differently, had Jaskier never met Geralt, this would have been perfect. He would have soaked in the kiss, would have pulled the blonde into his apartment for them to take each other apart in the warmth of his sheets.

But he couldn’t.

He felt nothing.

Instead of being swept away in the embrace of a kind man, an objectively perfect man who had done nothing but treat Jaskier with respect and open affection, he felt himself crumbling. His stomach twisted wretchedly for the second time this evening and he felt tears pool in his eyes as he came to the sickening realization that if it wasn’t Geralt, it didn’t feel right. He didn’t want it.

“I’m sorry,” Eskel had pulled away, his brow pinched and a worried look on his face. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Eskel, that was a wonderful kiss, you’re a wonderful man-” Jaskier tried to explain, his breath hitching as he struggled to keep the tears from falling. He felt like an asshole, stringing Eskel along only to find that he didn’t want him.

“But not the right man,” Eskel finished, a wry smile twisting on his lips. Strangely, he didn’t seem upset or surprised, merely resigned as if he expected this. “It’s Geralt, isn’t it?”

Shoulders slumping, Jaskier nodded weakly as he brought the sleeves of his sweater up to wipe at his eyes. “I’m afraid so.”

“Do I at least get to know what happened between you two?”

“I am not in the habit of disparaging your brother, so I’ll keep the details to myself. Just know that I loved him very much,” Jaskier’s breath hitched at the admission, feeling as if he was digging into his soul, scraping out all the bits he had tried so hard to keep buried and showing them to Eskel. “Still do, I suppose, if my reaction to that kiss was anything to go by.”

The pair shared a laugh, Jaskier’s humorless and Eskel’s slightly pitying. He didn’t pity Jaskier for still being in love, only for being in love with his stubborn brother. That was not a fate he would wish on anyone, but Jaskier seemed determined to carry it.

“You know, I think if what had happened hadn’t happened,” He struggled to continue, a fresh wave of tears coming at the memory of what happened as well as all the other things that had happened this evening. “I don’t think I would have ever left his side.”

He hated that he felt this way, after this long, after everything that had happened. He thought he was over it, he went to therapy for ages to get over this. All it took was a few weeks in and out of Geralt’s presence and it became glaringly obvious how much he still loved the man, even if it broke his heart to do so. Maybe Jaskier was a masochist, maybe he was just incredibly loyal. Either way, he knew he was a fool.

Suddenly, a pair of strong arms wrapped around Jaskier and he found himself engulfed by the warm scent of Eskel. As tactile as Jaskier was, he couldn’t remember a time in the last six years that he had been hugged like this. Eskel was strong and had no problem holding the brunette as his limbs went weak, faced with pure comfort and platonic affection. Jaskier slumped against him, tucking his head into the other man’s neck and bringing his hands up to twist into the back of Eskel’s shirt.

He sobbed.

Like a child who had experienced his first scraped knee and was seeking his mother’s comfort, Jaskier sobbed. His breathing stuttered and his whimpers were pitiful, but it felt good. He hadn’t grieved his relationship with Geralt like this, with another person to simply hold him as he let it out. Renfri had been there through the whole process, but she was experiencing her own anger at a friend and hadn’t been able to give comfort, only voice her own rage.

“I’m sorry, Jaskier.” He truly was sorry. Sorry that the man had to experience this and feel that unending suffering that can only come from true heartbreak and betrayal. Eskel had never experienced it himself and he hoped he never would. “I’m so sorry.”

Jaskier let out another wretched sob and the arms around him tightened. They stayed that way as the minutes passed, Eskel making soft soothing noises as he petted Jaskier’s hair. Eventually, the sniffling and sobbing subsided into teary hiccups and Jaskier pulled away. “Oh, dear. You’ve got tears and snot all over you. I’m so sorry.”

“I’ve got a washing machine, it will be fine,” Eskel rolled his eyes fondly at the way Jaskier fretted over his shirt.

“I know,” Jaskier tried to manage a smile before growing somber again. “I’m sorry about everything.”

Eskel waved him away easily, searching for a way to show he wasn’t upset. He softly kicked his shoe against Jaskier’s building, clearing his throat. “Hey, I’ve never been to this coffee shop before. We should go sometime.”

“Are you sure?” Jaskier looked at him with wet blue eyes, the insecurity and apprehension shining through them.

“Of course. I’ve got to make sure you’re properly fuelled for your performances at the bar. Besides, I like having coffee with friends.”

Jaskier knew what he was doing. Eskel was trying to show that it was okay, that they would be okay and Jaskier would not lose out on a potential friend and his job performing at the bar, that even though he couldn’t be with Eskel everything was still alright.

“You really are a wonderful man,” Jaskier smiled sadly.

“I know,” Eskel nodded, hands stuffed in his pockets. “I just can’t compete with Geralt’s brooding. You like that bad-boy type and that’s too much work for me. It’d never have worked out.”

Jaskier laughed and was relieved to see Eskel laughing along with him. They parted shortly after, Jaskier wishing him a safe trip and Eskel waiting for the brunette to be safely inside his apartment before driving away.

Jaskier puttered about in the darkness of his apartment, taking a shower to try and refresh himself after all of the crying. When he had sufficiently scrubbed himself clean, he tugged on a pair of boxers and flopped into his bed. His phone lit up twice and he tugged it off of the nightstand to read the texts.

Eskel: Made it home without dying

Eskel: Do you want to grab coffee at that coffee shop on saturday? 10 again?

Jaskier breathed out a sigh of relief at the olive branch offered to him. This didn’t have to be strange, it didn’t have to be awkward. Eskel was extending his friendship, no strings attached, and Jaskier wanted to grasp at it like a drowning man grasping to a life raft. He sent a quick response agreeing to the meetup and wished Eskel a goodnight. It was only a second later that his phone blinked again. Only, this time it was not from Eskel.

Unknown Number: It’s Geralt. Sorry about earlier. I hope you got home okay.

The man texted as dryly as he spoke and Jaskier had to suppress the urge to roll his eyes at the phone screen. He wanted to ignore the text, pretend he hadn’t seen it and go back to bed. But a petty, vindictive part of him wanted to jab at Geralt.

Jaskier: I made it home fine. Eskel dropped me off.

Unknown Number: He was gone awhile

Jaskier: Okay, and?

He felt a pit of satisfaction at the obvious implication. Eskel had been gone awhile, but most of it was spent consoling Jaskier as he sobbed. The kiss had only taken a few seconds, barely enough time to be out of breath. As he waited for a response he debated on saving Geralt’s number, ultimately deciding for it and saving the contact. Finally, his phone flashed again.

Geralt: Eskel is a good man

Jaskier: He’s a great man. Better than most.

Geralt: I understand

Geralt: Goodnight, Julek

Jaskier bit his lip and silenced his phone, plugging it into the charger on his nightstand. The professor felt awful. This whole night had been a disaster and he just wanted to crawl into bed and ignore life for the foreseeable future. Unfortunately, his mind was spinning and he could not do that. Instead, he took a deep breath and went to his laptop on his desk. He had some composing to do.