Archive of Our Own ^beta

CW: Accidents (Not the restroom kind), Crying, Suppressing Regression, Language, Break-Ups, Diapers

Mark’s PoV:

It’s too much.

The lights are too bright. There’s too many people. There are so many noises and sounds echoing off everything. My clothes feel too tight.

I cover my ears and screw my eyes shut, trying to block everything out, whining softly.

I didn’t realize I was chewing on my lip until my mouth tastes strongly of blood.

Great, more sensory stuff to deal with.

I try practicing my breathing like Y/N had showed me, but it was too much today. I just wanted to leave the set and curl up in Y/N’s arms, but I couldn’t.

I drop to my knees and really try focusing on my breathing. I uncover my ears and trace my left hand with my right index finger as I breathe.

That’s when I hear Jack’s voice. 

“Hey, Mark, you okay, bud?” Jack asks, his gentle accent and tone of voice soothing me a bit.

I shake my head and slowly open my eyes to meet his clear blue ones.

“May I touch you?” He asks.

I shake my head.

“That’s alright. Would you like to go back to your place? I can tell them you’re not feeling too well, if you’d like,” Jack offers.

I nod and stand up from the ground.

“Alright, wait here. I’ll be right back, okay?” Jack instructs before running off and talking to god knows who.

I let out a high pitched humming sound and fidget with my fingers until Jack returns.

“You ready, Mark?” Jack asks, offering me his hand.

I nod and take his hand, allowing him to lead me out to the parking lot, where an Uber was already waiting.

I get in first and Jack gets in after.

“Where to?” The driver asks.

Jack gives the driver the address of the house I was staying at and the driver nods. Jack turns to me.

“You want to call Y/N? Let them know you’ll be back soon and might need a bit of help?” He suggests.

I nod and open my phone, handing it to Jack.

He scrolls through my contacts until he finds theirs.

“Hello, Y/N?” Jack says softly into the speaker as so not to overwhelm me. “This is Jack.”

“Hi, Jack,” Y/N’s voices comes through the phone. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, Mark just had a tough day on set and I’m bringing him home early,” Jack explains.

“Ooh, okay. Is he, uh, verbal right now?” They ask.

Jack looks at me.

I shrug. I didn’t want to talk right now, but I didn’t want to make things hard for Jack and Y/N. I sigh and sign to Jack.

“Not right now. Everything is still too much.”

Jack nods and responds to Y/N. “Not at the moment. He’s signing, though. Said he’s still too overwhelmed to talk.”

“Okay. That’s fine, then,” they reply.

There’s a short pause before Y/N speaks up again.

“Hey, Jack, can you do me a favor?” They ask, sounding a bit anxious.

Jack looks perplexed, but nods nonetheless. “Yeah, sure. What’s up?”

I get the feeling I know where this is going and I scrunch up my face.

Jack chuckles at my reaction.

“What’s the face for, bud?” He asks.

I just shake my head.

“Jack, I need you to ask him how old he’s feeling…” Y/N says cautiously.

“Come again?” Jack responds.

Y/N sighs from their end of the phone and begins explaining things to Jack.

“Basically, what happens is Mark regresses to a younger age from time to time, usually because of overstimulation/sensory overload, anxiety, or just to take a break,” they ramble. “I need to know if he’s regressed right now so I know what he’ll need when he gets home.”

Jack genuinely looks like he’s not surprised by the information he was just given.

“That explains a lot, actually,” Jack says before looking at me. “How old do you feel, Marki?”

I look down at my lap and mumble quietly to him. “Thwee…”

Jack smiles softly and relays the message back to Y/N. “Three, he says.”

“Thank you, Jack. I’ll get everything ready for him, then. Just make sure he doesn’t try sucking on his fingers, please.”

“Alright, will do. We’re about two minutes out. See you in a few,” Jack confirms before hanging up. 

Jack’s PoV:

“Markimoo, you doing okay?” I ask, pocketing his phone.

“Jackie no mad?” He asks innocently. 

“No, of course not, bud. Why would you think that?” I reassure him.

Mark looks like he’s about to cry as he responds. “Cuz, no ‘posed ta be small.”

I unbuckle Mark’s seatbelt and pull him onto my lap. “Markimoo, who told ya that? You can be small, I don’t mind. In fact, I think you’ve been small around me before, I just never realized.”

The smaller male instantly holds onto my shirt and buries his face in my shoulder.

“Shh, you’re okay, Marki. I promise I’m not mad, okay?” I tell him as the Uber pulls up to the house.

I open the car door and step out, still holding Mark. Y/N is waiting on the front porch for us.

Mark sees them and wriggles out of my arms, running to them.

That’s when time started to stand still.

There was a massive ledge in the sidewalk and Mark’s shoe caught on it. He falls to the ground, landing on his face.

I’ve never run faster in my life. Y/N and I rush to his side as the poor boy bursts into tears.

“Shh, Mark, you’re okay. It’s okay, baby boy. I’ve got you, love,” Y/N soothes, gently rubbing Mark’s back.

I carefully and slowly help Mark sit up, looking him over for any scrapes or injuries.

“Hey, Markimoo. Took a bit of a spill, huh?” I say, relieved that the worst of his injuries were two severely scraped knees.

He sniffles and nods.

Y/N picks him up and walks inside, motioning for me to follow.

I follow them into the house and to the bathroom, where Y/N sets Mark down on the closed toilet seat. I stand outside the door in the hall to give them privacy.

After they get Mark’s knees taken care of, they motion for me to come in.

“Jack, I understand if this is too much or makes you uncomfortable, if it does, you don’t have to do it, okay?” Y/N starts.

“Don’t have to do what?” I inquire, feeling confused.

They sigh and wring their hands nervously. “Could you bathe Mark for me? I was cooking dinner when you guys pulled up and I don’t want it to burn. If not, I can bathe him and you can handle the food.”

I nod. “Yeah, I’m fine with that. Go take care of dinner, I’ve got him covered.”

They nod and look relieved for half a second, before their previous look of worry returns.

“There’s one more thing, Jack…” They say.

“I’m listening.”

“You won’t judge him for it?” They ask, gesturing to Mark, who was staring intently at a bar of soap, as if contemplating eating it.

I shake my head. “Of course not… Why?”

Y/N motions for me to follow them into the hall. I follow them and keep an eye on Mark out of the corner of my eye.

They look me dead in the eye and speak in a serious tone. “You make him feel bad about this, I swear to god, I will hurt you.”

I raise my arms as a show of surrender and nod. “I wouldn’t dream of hurting him. He’s been through enough shit already.”

They nod and choose their words carefully. “Mark needs… Protection when he regresses younger than five. It’s just a precaution and it helps him not get as overstimulated on the occasion that he does have an accident.”

I register their words and my eyes widen slightly. “Okay. That’s fine with me. I hate seeing him distressed. Just tell me where it is so I know where to look when I get him dressed.”

They smile softly, looking relieved that I wasn’t going to judge Mark over needing protection in his current state.

“It’s in the bottom of his smaller suitcase. You’ll see it pretty quick. He has it buried under his shirts,” they supply.

“Thanks, now go take care of dinner. I’ve got him,” I tell them.

They nod and walk off as I walk back into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me.

“You ready for a bath, Markimoo?” I gently ask.

Mark nods, so I help him undress and get into the tub.

I wet a cloth and pour a bit of soap on it, gently scrubbing Mark down while muttering soft praises to him.

“You’re doing so well, Mark… Almost done, you’re being so well behaved for me Markimoo.”

Mark hums and splashes me with the bath water, soaking my shirt.

I laugh and splash him back, making him giggle and squeal with delight.

We splash each other back and forth for a few more minutes, until I pull the plug on the tub and pick him up, wrapping him in a towel. I dry him off and carry him down the hall until I find the room he was staying in.

“Alright, buddy, let’s get you dressed, yeah?” I say as I lay him down on the bed, keeping him wrapped in the towel.

I walk over to his smaller suitcase and pull out one of his diapers, along with a loose fitting pair of jeans and a CLOAK hoodie.

“May I dress you, lad?” I ask, making sure he was ready.

“Yeah. Jackie do it?” He asks.

I nod and smile softly when he calls me “Jackie.”

After I unwrap the towel, I make quick work of diapering him and getting him dressed.

Once he’s properly dressed, I take off my shirt and pick him up, setting him on my hip. I walk into the living room and sit on the couch with Mark on my lap.

Not long after, he’s asleep.

I don’t dare to move from my position on the couch, so I’m stuck scrolling through my phone for a solid hour and a half until he wakes up.

Mark starts to stir and rub his eyes sleepily.

Mark’s PoV:

I wake up in Jack’s lap and-

Wait, that can’t be right… Jack?

Shit.

No, no, no…

Does that mean he knows about-

Shit.

Where’s Y/N?

I move to slide off Jack’s lap, but he just holds me closer.

“Where’re you goin’, little one? Hungry?” Jack asks.

I look at Jack with wide eyes.

He chuckles and smiles softly. “You need something, bud?”

“C-can I have my phone?” I ask.

Jack nods and reaches into his pocket, handing me my phone.

“Thanks. Sorry you, uh, had to deal with that…” I stammer.

Jack shakes his head at me. “Don’t apologize for something you have no control over. I don’t mind.”

I nod and slide off his lap, walking as best as I can back to my room. Once I’m there, I change back into normal clothes and walk back out to the kitchen.

Right as I’m about to say something to Y/N, my phone rings in my pocket. I take it out to see who it was.

Amy.

Oh, okay. I like talking to Amy.

“Hey, Aimes. What’s up?” I ask after answering the phone.

Amy sighs heavily on the other end of the phone. “Mark, I have to talk to you about something.”

This can’t be good.

I take a deep breath and nod. “Okay, yeah. Go ahead.”

Y/N steps out to give me a bit of privacy.

“Mark, there’s no easy way of saying this, but I can’t be with you anymore,” Amy starts.

“I’m sorry, what?” I ask, not sure I heard her correctly.

Amy sighs on her end of the phone. “I’m breaking up with you, Mark. I can’t do it anymore, I’m sorry.” I feel a whole mix of emotions that I can’t identify hit me like a train.

“C-can’t do what anymore?” I ask shakily,

“I can’t take care of you anymore, Mark. I didn’t sign up to be your babysitter 24/7. I understand that you’re… Not right in the head, but I can’t do it anymore. The meltdowns, the shitty communication, the constant need for clarification. I’m done,” Amy rambles.

“O-okay… I’m sorry…” I mumble.

“Are you really, though, Mark? You apologize all the time, but it never feels sincere. I want someone that doesn’t need as much support as you. Goodbye, Mark.”

She hangs up the phone.

I didn’t realize I was crying until Y/N and Jack are at my side, Jack holding me close to his chest and Y/N wiping my tears away.

“You wanna talk about it, Mark?” Jack offers.

I nod into his chest and he leads me over to the couch, pulling me down onto his lap.

I don’t protest, I was too upset, hurt, confused, and sad to care.

“Amy left me,” I mumble. “Said I was too much work an’ she didn’t wanna do it anymore.”

I sob into Jack’s shoulder while he gently plays with my hair and Y/N rubs my back.

“I’m sorry, Mark. She doesn’t deserve you. You’re not too much work, I promise. She clearly doesn’t care. I’m so sorry, baby,” Y/N soothes.

“She said I wasn’t right in the head… That I needed too much support and she didn’t want to give it anymore,” I blubber.

Jack holds me closer to him, gently providing pressure. “You’re not “not right in the head,” Mark. You’re perfect, okay? I’m so sorry she left and that she doesn’t understand you. You’re not bad for having autism, okay? I promise, you’re not bad.”

Y/N speaks up again after a few moments. “Let’s go get you changed, hun. You can just relax the rest of the night and we’ll help you sort out whatever emotions you’re currently facing, okay?”

They stand up and try to pick me up, but I just shake my head and cling tighter to Jack.

Y/N’s PoV:

I’m a little worried about Mark.

I get the feeling that he’s going to start suppressing his regression now that Amy is gone, and that’s not healthy, at all.

I shoot Jack a look, silently trying to get him to help me out.

He nods and turns his attention to Mark.

“Markimoo, buddy, you shouldn’t suppress like this, it’s not healthy,” Jack explains.

“No. I don’t want to. She’s gone, so there’s no point. She’s right. I need to grow up and stop acting like a fucking child. It’s not fair to everyone else,” Mark snaps, getting up and storming off to his room.

A few moments later, I flinch as his door slams.

I sigh and Jack just shakes his head.

“I’ll go check on him,” I say, standing up.

Jack places his hand on my chest.

“Give him some space for a little. He’ll come to us when he’s ready.”

“I guess so. I just don’t want him to hurt himself or do something stupid, y’know?”

“Mark’s a smart guy, he’ll be okay. Just, let him process everything, let the news sink in. Who knows, maybe he’ll be okay.”

Mark’s PoV:

I’m not sure what to do.

Do I stay with Y/N from now on?

No. I don’t want to burden them either. That’s not fair.

And I won’t go back to Ireland with Jack. That’s definitely out of the question.

Maybe Amy was just upset over something? Or drunk? I don’t know, maybe it was a mistake, yeah. That’s it, it was an accident.

I pull out my phone and dial Amy’s number.

“What, Mark?” She snaps.

I wince and start to second guess my decision.

“Amy, can we talk about this, please? I can be normal! I’ll do ABA, or whatever it’s called. I’ll get it fixed,” I pleaded.

Amy scoffs on her end of the phone. “No, Mark. No. I gave you your chance, I stayed with you and look where it’s gotten me. I’m stuck caring for an emotionally unintelligent grown man like he’s a child. No, not happening.”

“But-”

“No buts. Don’t call me again.”

Again, she hangs up, leaving me more broken than the last time.

I throw my phone across the room and hit my head with the heel of my hand, but immediately stop.

Amy used to get so mad when I’d stim. That needed to stop. No more stimming, ever,

I walk over to my phone and pick it up, not bothering to check for cracks since I had a pretty good case.

Let’s see… 4:45 p.m., that means it’s like 2:45 in California. Good, that means my caseworker is still working.

I dial her number and wait for her to pick up.

She picks up on the last ring.

“Mark, hi. What do you need, dear?”

I take a deep breath and respond. “I would like to start ABA upon my return to California.”

“I see… What made you change your mind, Mark?” She asks.

“I want to be normal,” I whimper.

She sighs on her end of the phone. “Well, I hate to say it, but ABA won’t make you “normal,” Mr. Fischbach. There’s nothing wrong with being on the spectrum, and I completely understand the want to be normal. ABA doesn’t “fix” your autism, it just helps you learn the skills you need to function better.”

I feel myself break a little more inside at her words.

I knew there was no “cure” for autism, but I needed there to be one. I hate being “too sensitive,” or being babied by everyone around me because of my autism. I mean, yeah, I regress when things get to be too much, but it’s not like I spend 24/7 being little, as Amy had said.

“Mark? Are you still there?” My caseworker asks.

I snap out of my thoughts and nod. “I, uh, yeah. I’m here.”

“We’ll figure out the details of your ABA upon your return. For now, just try not to think about it, alright? Have a good day, dear,” she says before hanging up.

I stand in the middle of the room and cry quietly, not really knowing why.

I really want to regress, but I can’t. I can’t be a burden anymore. It’s not fair to everyone that I can’t handle normal adult tasks like an adult.

I’m yet again jolted from my thoughts by a knock at my door.

“May I come in?” Jack’s voice calls.

I nod, forgetting he couldn’t see me.

“Mark?”

Oh. “Yeah, come in.”

Jack steps into my room and closes the door behind him. He walks over to the bed and motions for me to join him, so I do.

“How do you feel, Mark?” Jack asks softly.

I nod and mumble, “I’m starting ABA therapy as soon as I get home.”

Jack looks surprised and some other emotion I couldn’t quite identify. “Mark, is that really necessary? You’re okay the way you are, bud. You don’t need ABA, in my opinion.”

I shake my head. “No, I need it. It’s not fair to you guys.”

Jack sighs and places a hand on my back. “No, it’s not fair how others treat you for being autistic. If those around you get offended by your autism, then they shouldn’t be around you. They don’t deserve you.”

I sigh and try to fight back the fuzzy feeling growing in the back of my head. I rub my temples and let out a high pitched hum.

Jack notices and gently shushes me. “You’re alright, Mark, you can let go.”

I shake my head and hang my head. “No, no, I can’t. It’s not good to do.”

Jack looks confused, “What do you mean, bud?”

“‘s not good,” I mumble, still fighting off the fog that was starting to cloud my head.

“Baby, you’re okay, I promise. Nobody minds that you regress, really,” Jack soothes. “Y/N and I like taking care of you, whether you believe me or not is up to you.”

I whine and lean against Jack’s side.

We sit like that for a few minutes, until Jack softly speaks up, breaking the comfortable silence.

“Mark, baby, how old are you feeling?” Jack gently asks.

I hide in his shoulder as he pulls me onto his lap and I do my best not to give a straight answer.

“I nunno…” I mumble into his shoulder.

Jack chuckles and rubs my back. 

“No lies, lad. Come on, tell Jackie how old you’re feeling,” Jack coaxes.

I hold up four fingers and Jack nods.

“Very good, lad, very good. Let’s get you dressed, yeah?” He praises, standing up and adjusting his hold on me.

He walks over to my suitcase and grabs a diaper, quickly changing me into it and carrying me back out to the living room.

I quietly cling to him as he sits down and flicks on the TV, turning on Team Umizoomi.

I babble quietly along with the show until Y/N walks in and hands Jack a bottle of warm milk.

“Alright, little star, time for dinner,” he mumbles.

He re-positions me on his lap before gently pressing the tip of the bottle to my lips. I latch on relatively quickly and suckle quietly on the warm substance.

I fall asleep half way through my bottle and hear Y/N whisper softly to me.

“Goodnight, little star. You’re not too much.”