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Sarah is absolutely gushing. Kiara watches her as she speaks, face split with a smile, fingers dancing through her necklaces, body buzzing with energy as she sits crossed-legged on their couch. She didn’t think she’d ever seen Sarah so smitten, it made her heart hum with an emotion that was hard to name.
Kiara had known Sarah for almost five years now, which was pretty typical for roommates straight out of college. But that was as stereotypical as their relationship got because they certainly hadn’t been friends the whole time they’d known each other. Not even close. Kiara had been drawn to Sarah the moment she first saw her, dancing on a cooler in a backyard. The night was warm and sticky, August in South Carolina often is. The air tasted like beer and moss, and Kiara couldn’t pull her eyes away from the blonde singing along to the music shaking the ground beneath her feet. That night had ended with the two of them wrapped around each other in the sand after dancing in the surf until the moon sunk in the sky. When Kiara had woken up Sarah was gone, and part of her believed she had dreamed her. Things only got more complicated from there, and Kiara spent a year of school hating Sarah Cameron’s guts. But it didn’t change the fact that they were drawn to each other, and found their way back to one another.
Kiara knew that she and Sarah were soulmates, and she also knew they weren’t the romantic kind, despite the butterflies the blonde sometimes gave her. They had both broken the other’s hearts and discovered along the way that they were meant to hold hands during movies, but sleep in different rooms.
Which is why as Sarah tells her about the boy she can’t get out her head, Kiara feels a lot of things. Most of all she feels warmth coursing through her body as she watches the light of her life shine even brighter. Kiara only wants Sarah to be happy, and if that means being with this boy then Kiara is on board. Another part of her is filled with trepidation, because how could anyone, let alone this boy, deserve Sarah? Could he love her in the way she needed, with freedom and protection in equal parts? Men rarely know how to love like that, and Kiara doesn’t want her favorite person to get hurt. But still she smiles, because she can’t help it when Sarah’s eyes are dancing at her like that.
“-he surfs too ‘Ria! I know it’s new, and honestly I can’t trust what I think until someone else meets him and gets a read ya know? But fuck I can’t stop thinking about him.”
And at this Kiara lets herself chuckle, Sarah reaches out and pokes her cheek, scooting closer on the couch.
“Please say something” Sarah is looking at her without a single expectation on her face and Kiara loves her for it.
“Honestly Sarah he sounds lovely, I’m sure you’re giving me the rose-tinted version” She wiggles her eyebrows, unable to keep herself from teasing her friend “But hey if you’re this interested there’s gotta be something there, and I like the idea of you with a scruffy, surfing beach rat. A boy after my own heart. What did you say his name was again?”
Sarah’s face shines even brighter with Kiara’s tentative approval, she draws her eyes away from the girl before her as she reaches for her beer on the coffee table.
“It’s John.”
If Sarah had left her eyes on Kiara a second longer, she would’ve seen the flash of pain in her friend’s eyes. Kiara quickly schools her features back to the lighthearted calm they were in moments before.
“Classic”
She reminds herself that John is probably one of the most common boys names in the states. The fact that her three childhood friends had all been named John should be a testament to that. But hearing the name out of Sarahs mouth made her blood feel cold, something she’d really have to get under control.
___
Kiara was exhausted, she had just worked a double, and under no circumstances wanted to step foot in another bar. But she had promised Sarah, and she was honestly pretty curious about her room mate’s mysterious boy. So she rallied, quickly scrubbed her body in the shower and threw on her favorite jeans and crop top combo. She was tying the front of her hair on top of her head and pinning it into place as she walked out the door. The bar was only a few blocks from their apartment and Kiara spent the whole walk deep in her head. The fingers on her left hand worried the silver band around her middle finger as she thought of the boy it belonged to.
Part of why today had absolutely wrecked her was that it was the anniversary of the day she left home. Her mind was back in the outer banks, on summer days full of surfing until her legs shook. As her mind wandered she was back around a fire, cicadas loud and clinging to the trees around her. There was music and some of the most magical laughter she’s ever heard, as the sparks from the fire before her flew toward the stars. A car honks and Kiara is bought back to the reality before her.
She crosses the street and steps into the bar. The air is heavy and the room is illuminated solely by soft pink lights around the perimeter. Sarah had texted that they were out back, so Kiara grabs a beer at the bar before shouldering her way through. She spots Sarah easily, as only two tables in the back are occupied. Kiara barely glances at the boy across from her friend as she moves toward them, she’s trying to close her wallet and tuck it in her back pocket without spilling her beer. She sets the glass on the end of the picnic table where the couple is seated and looks up with a smile as soon as she shoves her wallet away.
Kiara didn’t know she could live through the way her heart stopped when she met the boy’s eyes. They were golden brown and exactly how she remembered. His hair was shorter and darker than the last time she saw him, but his eyes, his eyes shone with the warmth they had for as long as she’d known him. Nearly fifteen years now. Kiara couldn’t breath, and thought maybe the world had stopped because she couldn’t hear anything. The boy in front of her supported her theory because he looked as frozen as she did.
“Fuck” She finally broke the spell as she exhaled the word.
And suddenly she was moving, and so was he. “Kie, holy shit, kie.” John B stood as Kiara threw her arms around him, and they stood together in what Kiara would swear later was an alternate timeline, because she couldn’t tell if it was 2 seconds or 5 minutes.
Once she remembered how to breathe, she also remembered to be angry. And she pulled away from the man in front of her, and much to Sarah’s surprise, began to hit him. Her fists were balled as she struck his chest, they weren’t punches but they were messy.
“You fucking asshole.” Kiara hits again and wonders why he hasn’t pulled away. Her voice shakes “I thought you were dead.” It breaks on the last word and she hits him harder before heaving and pulling away. She needs distance. Because John B is staring at her like he’s seen both a ghost and an angel and she doesn’t think she can handle touching him right now. Kiara sees Sarah stand out of the corner of her eye, and suddenly the shorter girls arms are around her, holding her together.
“I gotchu, I gotchu. Breathe ‘Ri, breathe.” Sarah is rubbing circles on her back and Kiara’s lungs begin to calm and she starts to realize the show they just put on for the only other occupied table.
John B hasn’t looked away from Kiara and she can tell he wants to cry. Kiara reaches up to pat one of Sarahs hands, and intertwines their fingers as she lets it fall between them. It grounds her.
“What the fuck Bree? We thought you-” He looks away from her then “I barely survived.” She willed him to meet her eyes again “We were all wrecked. We didn’t want to learn how to live without you. Couldn’t honestly.” Theres a tear running down his cheek as he looks up. “And here you are, five years later, dating pretty girls and meeting their room mates without a fucking care in the world about how your best friends are doing.” Her voice nearly betrayed her, shaking and cracking all the way through her last dig, but she was able to say it. And the look in his eyes made it worth it and broke her heart all at once.
He finally spoke. “I’m so fucking sorry Kie.”
“I wasn’t thinking, Jayge said you were on a boat in the middle of nowhere when I was finally able to let him know, so I thought I’d just have to wait until you turned back up to tell you.”
Kiara stopped breathing. Her mind filled with a loud rushing sound as if she had just been dragged beneath the waves after falling off her board.
She stared blankly ahead at nothing and couldn’t bring herself to focus on the man in front of her who was desperately trying to regain her attention. When her eyes finally refocused her voice was a broken rasp.
“JJ knew you were alive?”
The pain that filled her eyes nearly broke John B’s heart all over again. He tightens his lips and gisve a slow nod.
“How long?”
He dropped his head and leaned back against the edge of the wooden picnic table.
“a couple months” The words are soft, and he won’t look at her when he says them, as if doing so will make them hurt less.
Kiara shook, with rage and sadness and fear, all of is washing over her in waves and making it impossible to control herself.
Still not looking at her John B continues. “and now probably isn’t the best time to tell you but I had wanted him to meet Sarah so he’s —”
“JB, I missed you man! Introduce me to the new —”
JJ was the most physical person Kiara had ever known, his energy filled any space he entered. Unable to sit still, loud and brash, an unwavering golden presence that used to warm her very soul. But as she turned to look at him, causing the halt in his words, all she felt was cold. Ice shooting through every inch of her body, as if diving into the Atlantic in the middle of March.
“Kie?” his brows shoot up, and the wind had been knocked out of him, all of the posturing greeting gone. He looked so small, so young, the expression on his face reminding her of the little boy she once knew.
“fuck you.”
Its the only reply she can muster and she watches his eyes change, emotions flickering through them faster than she can place them.
“Missed you too Kie” His face takes on a wry smile. Not reaching his eyes as he places the two pints of beer on the picnic table behind John B.
“So are we gonna have a drink here, give the people a show” he gestures at the table across from them and the other at the back which has become occupied. “or would you rather hit me in private Kie?”
“why?”
she hated how small her voice sounded, but she was wrecked, she couldn’t pull herself together after everything that had just been revealed. And more than anything JJ’s betrayal cut her wide open, she felt like she might just be bleeding out and he was the only one who could patch the wound.
He met her eyes again, reflecting her own heartbreak.
__
The walk to the apartment was tense, to the point that people passing them on the street gave them too much room as they passed.
“Do you have alcohol at home?”
Sarah nods “Some”
“We need to keep them sober, trust me” John B gave a grimace “They’ve had some gnarly drunk fights”
“So we’ll be the ones needing a drink”
Kiara let the door close behind her after keying in, JJ just barely avoided being smacked with it. Under any other circumstance it would have been so cool to see Kiara’s apartment for the first time. Even so, he couldn’t help glancing around, searching for traces of her in the books on the table and the blankets draped over the couch. Kiara had made her way straight to the kitchen. After Grabbing two beers from the fridge she opened them with a light clatter as the caps fell against the counter.
By this time Sarah and John B had also entered the apartment, while JJ was still eyeing the couch.
“Don’t you dare sit down” Kiara didn’t look at JJ as she said it, instead walking across the room to hand Sarah the other beer.
She finally turned to the other blonde after taking a long sip. He was looking up at her and she could tell he was working hard not to make a comment, because even he knew better than to ask for a beer.
John B reached over and gently snagged to bottle for Sarahs hand a took a sip before passing it back.
“Want to try this again? Because I really need a fucking answer JJ.”
And so it began, their voices rose and fell but neither of them really said anything. They danced around each other in circles claiming one had lied, or the other hadn’t tried hard enough. Sarah and John B left the room, retreating into Sarah’s to give the two some space, the door was a jar, likely in case they heard things being thrown. There were moments when Kiara’s voice cracked or JJ’s wavered. It seemed like they were never going to get anywhere, just stay locked in this endless game. Until JJ broke. There was a moment of silence after.
“Did you mean it?” He hesitates, not knowing how to ask the question that has stayed in his mind for four years. “When you asked me to come, did you mean it?”
And something in his tone pulls a layer of tension from Kiara’s body, because her shoulders drop as he asks. When he finally looks up at her he finds her eyes have softened. She looks sad and a bit exasperated, an expression JJ is relatively familiar with.
“I’ve always meant it JJ.” Her voice is barely above a whisper. Which is startling after the space her words had taken up moments before. “I meant it when I asked, and it has been true every day since.”
“I didn’t believe you.” And JJ wishes he didn’t feel so ashamed because Kiara is shaking her head and his heart hurts.
“You could’ve shown up at my doorstep 3 years later because the offer was still there.” And she hates that the words are true, because they make her feel so small, but the truth was, he could’ve shown up yesterday and she would’ve let him in. But not tonight, tonight was different.
“But you left” He knew it was childish before he even said it.
She wanted to scream at him, but they had been yelling for an hour and right now she just wanted the truth.
“And you let me.” He looks away form her then, because they both know how close they were to doing what the other had wanted that night.
“I couldn’t stay” her voice was sad and resigned “ and you couldn’t leave.”
She shrugs as if the answer was obvious, because knowing that truth, nothing could have gone differently.
“But trust me J, I was running away from the Outer Banks, not from you. You know I stayed longer because I couldn’t bear to loose you after loosing JB.”
There was a long silence again and Kiara stared at the wall wondering if he’d ever give her a satisfying answer.
“I packed a bag” Kiara’s head snaps up to look at him, he smiles bitterly. “It sat by the front door for two years. I thought about finding you constantly Kie.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“I was scared, of a lot of things. But mostly that you wouldn’t want me there.” He lets the confession hang in the air, but not long enough for her to reply. “And then that turned into being mad at you. Because you never came back, even though you promised."
“And you promised it was you and me against the world.”
JJ leaned back, sitting on the floor and resting against the armchair across from the couch she was finally perched on.
“I meant it, but I guess there’s a lot we each couldn’t done differently.” He sighs, refusing to look at her when he asks the question that has the power to shatter him completely.
“You think you’ll be able to forgive me Kie?”
She studies him. He’s still, one of the few times in their lives he’s ever sat to still. His profile is backlit by the floor lamp behind him and she takes in every line. The bow of his lips, the arch of his brow. His face is as familiar as her own. She rose from the couch, slowly making her way over to him, he refused to move, tension thrumming through him. She toes his bent knees and reaches for his arm, taking the cue he stretches his legs in front of him and finally looks up to meet her gaze. She steps over his thighs, settling into his lap, guiding his arm around her body, stretching out she hold his face in her hands. His arms tighten around her, and she can feel him nervously flexing them, not sure if he can pull her closer or if she'll push him away. There was a time this had been their normal, wrapped up in each other, no physical or emotional boundaries.
She brushes her thumb against his cheek, where a light flush sits beneath his cheek bones and she finally lets a soft smile stretch across her lips.
“I’ll be able to forgive you J, I don’t think I know how not to.”
His eyes met hers, blue and vast and altogether too revealing. A slice of her heart began to mend, pulling some of the shattered pieces back into place and tucking them where they belong.
“I’m so sorry Kie, there’s no good reason, no good excuse. I was just fucking broken, and angry and I really need to think before I act more don’t I?”
It was a genuine observation and Kie couldn’t help the soft chuckle as she twinned her hands around his neck, drawing her body closer to his. His hands ran over her back, her hips, drawing her into his warmth and reminding her of home.
“You do, I admit sometimes the impulse leads to phenomenal results, but sometimes we end up here.”
He raises his brows, spreading his big hands across her hips and tugging her flush against his body, chest to chest.
“I like here.” He tilts his face up, nuzzling his nose into her neck, breath fluttering across her skin in the most tantalizing way.
“I like here too” She drops her face to his and captures his lips between hers. Pressing hard and hungry, attempting to punish him further with her tongue and teeth. He returns her attention, nipping her lower lip and sucking it into his mouth. They kiss hot and desperate, bodies aligned and pressed against each other. Heat coiling under their skin and sparks dancing across their tongues. After licking into his mouth and biting his lip in turn Kiara pulls away, JJ’s lips chasing hers for a moment before opening his eyes.
“If you ever pull anything like this again, anything even close, if you ever doubt for a minute how much I love you, I will kill you.”
JJ smiles, big and broad and golden, melting Kiara to her core.
“I love you too Kie”