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Chapter Text

Wine had never felt more uncomfortable in his skin as he did in the moment. He loosened his neck tie slightly, hoping that the improved air circulation would make things less uneasy.

The atmosphere was tense, at least for him and the person sitting right next to him. Faifa hadn't shifted in the slightest since they took their seats at the dining table. He had refused to make eye contact for more than a few seconds with his mother who had insisted that Faifa sit next to her, Wine following suit.

Wine spared frequent glances, monitoring Faifa's behaviour, his gestures, his visible discomfort as well. Wine wished they could leave here right now. After all, both of them felt out of place, was there even a reason to stick around? But he knew his P'Faifa. Him and his altruistic deeds, at the expense of his own tortured soul. He would sit through a hundred more such uncomfortable dinners, if it meant Yotha gets a chance to be with his mother, if it meant his mother, self centred as ever, got to spend time with her family. There was no way Wine would allow Faifa to go through something like that alone, ever again.

Faifa's ever-bright eyes that shone with sincerity were now down cast and shiny, and Wine didn't know if it was because of the lights or unshed tears. Wine hoped it was the lights, despite knowing otherwise.

He let out a deep breath, facing the commotion at the table.

Yotha and Gun seemed to have no problem adjusting, as they happily made conversation with Faifa's mother. Gun, the self proclaimed extrovert, took the lead keeping the chats sliding smoothly. Faifa's dad who sat on the other side of his mother enjoyed the casual  small talk. Yotha just seemed happy to be there with his mother and Gun. Everyone seemed happy, but why hadn't anyone noticed Faifa picking at his dinner plate, barely eating, except for him?

Yesterday had been quite eventful in Wine's life. Him and Faifa had become official. They had admitted their feelings for each other, which was due to a whole whirlwind of emotions, ranging from jealousy, desperation, insecurity to wholesome hearty love. They hadn't wanted to let go of each other's hands after that. An unspoken agreement lingered in the air, as they made their way to Faifa's condo. When Faifa had briefly removed his hand from the hold to open his door, Wine had clenched and unclenched his fist, feeling lonely despite Faifa standing right next to him.

The disappointment must have been quite visible on his face, because Faifa had took one look at him before smiling and taking his hand in his own again.

Despite feeling elated at becoming Faifa's boyfriend, Wine had felt more tired than ever. He didn't know if it was a physical-kinda tired, considering all the running he did or an emotional tired, considering well, everything.

As Faifa had led him through his apartment, Wine could only focus on their hands, and the warmth it radiated. Faifa had led them to the couch where he pulled Wine cautiously next to him, probably catching his weary expression.

"What's wrong, Wine?", Faifa had called out, his own insecurities creeping up on him.

Reality of the situation had dawned upon Wine and he had just let out a barely audible sigh before sliding his arms around Faifa's torso.

He had laid his head upon Faifa's chest, using the slope of the couch, to conveniently position himself atop Faifa, half lying on him. Faifa had leaned backward due to the change in posture but wrapped his arms around Wine regardless.

One of Faifa's hands had slid into his hair, ruffling it gently, while the other held him by his elbow.

This felt like home. Wine had moved further closer, closing his eyes. He mumbled against the flesh and the sound of Faifa's heart beating. "Can we stay like this, P'Faifa?"

Faifa had looked down at him, all traces of doubts now completely vanished, eyes turned soft and radiating love.

"Of course." Faifa had pressed a short kiss against his forehead. "As long as you want."

"Sorry, I'm just tired, i think."

"I'm the one who should say sorry, Wine. I shouldn't have run away like that. Look at you, you're all tired because of me."

Leave it to Faifa, to blame himself again.

"P'Faifa." Wine had said, firm. He peered into Faifa's eyes. "I don't want to hear any apology from you. I'm just.... tired. I was really scared that I'd lost you today. I think I had an adrenaline rush or something, but now that I'm here with you, it's like all the tension has just seeped out of my body. I feel lax and tired. And I just want to hold you for a while so I know you're here with me, in the flesh."

Wine's cheeks and ears had turned pink, in embarrassment at spurting out deep stuff. But he was just too exhausted by the day's events to care. Unable to handle Faifa's intense gaze on him, he looked away at the black cloth material that separated their bare bodies.

Faifa hadn't responded verbally, he just tightened the hug and pressed a kiss against the crown of his head. He had barely heard the whispered okay that followed.

Wine had fallen asleep just like that, embraced by Faifa. He didn't know how much time had passed when Faifa woke him up and asked him to take a bath and change into night clothes. Wine whined, tightening his hold on Faifa and hiding his face in Faifa's chest.

Faifa's chest had moved beneath his cheek, as he laughed, setting happy sparks across Wine's spine. "Nong Wine~ you should at least change your clothes."

Wine whined yet again, but let go of him this time. He moved away, blinking his eyes before following through on what Faifa had asked of him.

He went straight to bed, his exhaustion claiming him but he still refused to sleep, watching through weary eyes that closed often on their own accord for Faifa to freshen up and join him. He was half asleep by the time Faifa got to the bed.

No words were spoken as they settled comfortably on the bed, Faifa lying on his back while Wine laid on his side, looking at Faifa.

Faifa had given him a warm look, that made butterflies flutter through his chest.

"P'Faifa?"

"What is it?"

"Can we cuddle?"

Wine was glad he was awake enough to watch Faifa's smile spread infectiously before his whole face lit up in happiness. He opened his arms wide and Wine quickly moved close, wrapping his arms around Faifa, resting his head on Faifa's chest and shoulder. With only the breathing sound as the background theme for them, Wine had muttered drowsily, "I love you, P'Faifa." He didn't wait to hear Faifa's reply. He had drifted into dreamland knowing what his answer would be anyway.

Since he'd woken up in the morning, he couldn't count the number of cheek kisses, the number of kisses on the lips, the number of hair ruffles, the number of hugs, he could keep going, as Faifa kept showering him with physical affection as well as compliments.

Every single time that Faifa referred to himself in third person, Wine felt himself fall even more in love. "Is P'Faifa's boyfriend awake?" "P'Faifa's boyfriend is cute." Wine was going to eat Faifa alive if he didn't stop.

Hours slowly blended together as he met with Tor and sorted their mess out. Before he knew it, Yotha was inviting Wine to accompany Faifa for their family dinner. Wine saw Faifa's reluctance but knew Faifa would spend the entire evening in guilt over not seeing his mother before she left overseas again. So, Wine accepted on Faifa's behalf.

"I don't want to go." Faifa admitted.

"You told me yourself that every problem can be solved" Wine had reiterated. Faifa knew he had lost the argument and rolled his eyes, openly feeling uncomfortable about the prospect of seeing his mother again.

Wine couldn't help but pinch Faifa's cheeks to make him cheer up. "But if you can't solve it by yourself, I'm here to help you. Okay?"

His P'Faifa had broken into a smile at that and kissed him on the cheek, calling him cute. He wasn't going to get used to Faifa constantly around him, referring to him as cute.

He came back to reality, when Newton called his name. "Nong Wine, you know what?"

That pulled his attention away from his thoughts. "Faifa was once drunk and kept talking about you."

Wine felt his cheeks turn red and he turned to Faifa who clearly hadn't expected to be out-ed like this. "I'm going to slap you." Faifa said, embarrassed. But Wine could only smile, thinking about how his love for Faifa just increased tenfold's again for the nth time today.

He was grateful for Newton, breaking the tension as Faifa happily bickered with his eldest brother.

"Hey, Wine." Faifa's father asked him. "How did you and Faifa get together?"

Wine was taken aback. What does one say in this situation? Oh, I kissed your son one day. And then he said he would teach me the ABCs of flirting. But I fell for him after that because only a fool would not love Faifa. And then we sort of just kept kissing every now and then and just ended up in love?

He looked to Faifa for help, who was smiling mischievously understanding Wine's thought process.

His mother interrupted, "Right, I forgot. I thought Faifa didn't know how to love."

Maybe Wine shouldn't talk back but he would defend Faifa any day. "That's not true. P'Faifa knows what love is and he does it very well."

Faifa smiled shyly. Wine smiled back, despite seething inside. How would someone take one look at Faifa and think he's not capable of loving? Even if Wine wasn't a special someone, Faifa was still loving and caring to everyone. Or maybe she knew she screwed him up so bad that Faifa had turned out to be this people-pleaser, who turned wide eyed whenever Wine reciprocated his love.

"Thank you, Wine for helping my son open up." His mother replied, nodding to his words.

Wine felt exasperated. The audacity to wind up and destroy each of her son's ability to maintain a normal social relation, no attachments, none at all like Yotha, or attached to all and desperate for someone to understand the real him, like Faifa and then casually turn up just to thank their respective boyfriends for unwinding them back. Did she even consider them sons at all? Was she this dense? Did she think that excused her treating Faifa shitty all these years?

Wine could be overreacting, he told himself. His own family was very sweet and loving. His mom and dad cared for him, expressed their love openly and accepted him with open arms when he came out to them. Maybe it was because he had never seen a dysfunctional family that he felt this strongly about Faifa's mother. Or it could be because she keeps hurting the person Wine loves. Could be both.

"I'm his mom and even I couldn't do it."

Have you once tried? Wine was having trouble, keeping his snarky comments in.

"Why are you being emotional? I don't get it." Faifa tried to dismiss.

"Don't think I didn't know you weren't happy when you were with me. It was because you were guilty you were chosen, right?"  Faifa's mom appeared sad but Wine could only focus on the way Faifa's grief stricken eyes trailed to Yotha's who suddenly appeared uncomfortable as well. Wine held Faifa's hand over the table, and squeezed, offering what little support he could.

"That was why I sent you back in the first place, because I knew you weren't happy with me. I figured at least back here, you'd have your father and your brothers with you." Faifa took a sharp breath. Wine knew that Faifa's departure as well as returning to his family in Thailand had never been his choice. His mom had announced she'd take him and his mom had announced he was going to be sent back.

"I'm sorry but shouldn't you have talked to P'Faifa about that?" Wine gulped, he had laid the words out in the open, no take backs now.

"W-What?" His mother stammered. He knew all pairs of eyes at the table were trained on him, but only Faifa's mattered to him. If Faifa were to stop him right now, Wine would. It wouldn't have been what he wanted but For Faifa, he'd stop. Faifa's mouth was open, staring at Wine. Wine looked back, just as intense. He looked away, not being able to handle the weight of emotions swimming deep in Faifa's jet black eyes.

Gun was looking at him, like he had grown horns. Wine shouldn't be running his mouth, he knew but how could he not, when even Gun, one of Faifa's good friends who Faifa cared so much about, didn't even know that Faifa was faking his happiness the whole time? Wine wouldn't forget the shocked expression on Gun's face when he had talked about this earlier to him. He genuinely had no clue, that was the most saddest part for Wine.

"I'm just saying, even if you were sending him back for his sake, shouldn't you have maybe talked about it with him instead of just dropping the news on him and expecting him to be okay with it?"

Wine stood his stance. His eyes flitted in discomfort at the attention of so many people. He had never been the type to want attention from people, good or bad. But maybe once, just for once, being seen wouldn't be bad if it was for his P'Faifa. Faifa was still looking at him, lost.

"Wine, it was a bit more complicated than that, dear. But Faifa was happy to come back and is now happy with you, that's all that matters, isn't it?" She smiled so sweetly that Wine couldn't even begin to comprehend the logic she'd just spun out.

She changed the topic quickly, before Wine could ponder further.

"Anyway, I made this dessert today, since my sons brought their boyfriends to see me." His mom declared, bringing over another bowl to the table. Maybe Wine was doing more bad than good.

"Faifa, you like this one, don't you?" She asked.

Wine hadn't known Faifa liked that particular dessert. New things to learn, he guessed.

Faifa gulped, face blank. "Mom, that's actually Yotha's favourite."

Wine's mouth dropped open. From the corner of his eyes, he also saw Yotha's appalled face. So you do notice how your mom treats him?

"But I do like it too." Faifa put his cheerful persona back on, and the play-pretend hurt Wine so much.

His mom stared at Faifa before transferring some from the bowl to Yotha's and Gun's plates. She left it between Faifa and Newton, for them to grab their share. She left it to Faifa to fend for himself. Why couldn't she love all her son's equally?, Wine was puzzled.

Faifa took some and set it on Wine's plate before taking some for himself. Faifa wasn't meeting his eyes and Wine didn't know if it was because of the predicament or because of him. Thinking it might be the latter, made his heart ache.

"Nong Wine, eat lots na~" Faifa's mother said. And he gave back a smile that he somehow managed to muster. He picks up a spoonful of the dessert, despite having lost his appetite and brought it to his mouth. The taste was refreshing, for sure, but that was not what caught Wine's attention.

He turned, just in time as Faifa raised his spoon to his mouth.

"P'Faifa!" Wine said, panic evident in his tone.

Faifa turned to him, the spoon paused in mid air above the plate. "What's wrong, Wine?"

"P'Faifa, no! There's milk in it."

The entire table became alert, almost sat up straight in their respective chairs now. Yotha immediately took a bite, and grimaced. "Mom, why would you add milk? You could have made it without."

"Why, what's wrong?" She seemed confused about the sudden outburst at the table.

Wine sighed, as Faifa let out a long slow breath, as if the effort to breathe pained him.

Faifa's father took the lead. "Just how many times will you forget Faifa is allergic? I told you the last time as well."

Wine felt something ugly rearing its horns in his heart, his fists clenched now.

"Oh no, I'm so sorry. I forgot." She apologized to Faifa who just nodded. "It's okay mom, it happens sometimes."

Wine looked away, unable to watch this anymore.

"How can you forget he's allergic to dairy products? It's one thing if it was just a minor allergic reaction. P'Faifa can easily collapse within 5 minutes if he's not careful with what he eats and doesn't take his anti-histamines on time." Wine confronted, Faifa's mom had the courtesy to look down in shame.

"Why does everyone here think it's okay to just walk all over him?"

"Wine, maybe you should go take a breather. Fai's fine. We noticed before any crisis could occur. It's understandable that you're worried but everything is fine isn't it?" Yotha tried to calm down Wine, gesturing for Gun to take the junior outside. But Gun himself looked devastated to Yotha's shock, as he shook his head, refusing to stop Wine.

"Right, P'Yotha. All crisis averted. Everything's fine. How long before something is forgotten again? I mean it's not long since you forgot to tell P'Faifa about your mom not boarding the flight here, while he waited 5 hours worried at the airport." Wine let out a sarcastic chuckle, without even meaning to.

Yotha's eyes widened. "He what?" He immediately trained his vision on Faifa who refused to look at anyone, eyes rather focused on the table.

"And even now, P'Faifa will never say anything about this to you or anyone at all. He'll keep bottling up his feelings and smiling for you. You don't care enough to keep him updated or to check in on him. Did you know that P'Faifa was very happy to be rooming with you last year? But he understood you and P'Gun were growing closer and despite hating to sleep alone, he moved out for your sake, for the both of you. Whenever some mishap happened in the initial stages of your relationship, P'Faifa was always there for you, right, P'Gun? He went against his own brother because you were being wronged." Wine's voice became thick and guttural. "But P'Gun, you didn't even know that something like this was bothering P'Faifa until I brought it up today."

Gun's eyes were welled up with tears, guilty about not noticing all the things his friend had done for him.

"Nong Wine, I think it's best if you don't talk about things you don't have a good understanding about yet." Faifa's father jumped in, to his family's defence.

"I'm really sorry about this, sir. Maybe someone like me who is very much younger than you should not be talking in this manner But I'm P'Faifa's boyfriend and I love him so much. I don't think I can keep standing on the sidelines watching everyone ignore him over and over."

"Wine..." Faifa was shocked at the sudden declaration. He looked up at him, for the first time in a while, with glossy eyes, clearly filled with tears, no tricky lights to blame or hope for, this time around.

"P'Faifa, I know you love your family very much. But I don't want to sit here and watch everyone minimize the hurt they've made you feel." Wine spoke his mind. "But if you tell me to stop, I will. Just tell me, ask me to mind my own business. Ask me to shut up. Just say something and I will do as you say." His vision started to blur, but he swore he wouldn't cry. He meant it when he said he would stop interfering if Faifa asked him to. But if Faifa were to stop Wine from defending him, Wine didn't know how he could face Faifa, be with him everyday, without the ever crushing guilt of not even being capable of protecting Faifa.

"Faifa, what is he talking about?" His mom asked, feigning innocence yet again.

"Nong Wine, you can't talk to our parents like that. This is between us. If something's wrong, Fai will tell us and we'll resolve it within just us. If you could stay out of our family business, it would be very much appreciated.", Newton said.

"But that's the thing, P'Newton. P'Faifa would never say anything to you. And I don't blame him because why would he, when no one ever asks him if he's alright. Everyone is okay, does that mean P'Faifa is also supposed to pretend he's fine? Till when? Till he reaches his breaking point?"

"Wine, enough." Faifa sounded resigned. The way he looked at Wine, his eyes were fierce enough to scare anyone away but Wine could see the abandoned child crying underneath it. But Faifa had asked him to stop. He felt the visceral cracking of his heart. But he would never do anything against Faifa's wishes.

"Okay, P'Faifa. I'll stop." Wine said. "I won't say anything anymore."

He gulped down the lump sitting in his throat, hurting with every breath he took.

"I'm sorry about everything i said." He stood up, bowing in apology to Faifa's dad and mom. He repeated words of apologies to Newton, Yotha and Gun as well. "I'm sorry, I think I need some fresh air. Thank you for the dinner." Wine smiled, as the first drop of tears flowed down from his eyes. In a flash, he was out of the room. He heard Gun's voice, calling out behind him, asking him to stop. He walked outside onto the lawn and sat down, supporting his palm over the adjacent stairs.

The tears started streaming down. He felt so bad for Faifa. What could he even do now? Maybe Wine shouldn't have confronted anyone like that. What was he hoping to achieve? For his mom to apologise and treat him with a quarter of attention and love that she directs towards Yotha? For his brothers to understand that their brother loves them so much, he'd willingly hurt himself even if he were angry with him?

Faifa's solemn face flashed through his mind and the first sob poured out, punched out of his throat, and a broken sob resonated. What if Wine's words were what hurt Faifa more? How could Wine live with himself, if that were the case? Would P'Faifa hate him now?

He felt himself be enveloped in a hug from behind. Turning around, expecting to see Faifa, he was surprised that it was Gun.

He choked back tears when Gun said, "It's okay, Nong Wine. You don't have to hold back, just cry it out. I'm sorry na. P' should have noticed more, should have cared more. You are right. It's okay, you didn't do anything wrong."

Gun's words made him let out a painful cry, and he let himself cry in his arms. He wasn't aware of Gun crying just like him, for his friend, about his own ignorance.

But Newton was right. They had to deal with this as a family, despite Wine's interventions, unfortunately.

Chapter Text

Faifa felt frozen in time. He felt like he was suddenly out of place, out of time, almost as if he was having an out-of-body experience. He blinked, not comprehending the wetness against the side of his face. When did he start crying?

The turn of events had left him speechless. This was not how he had expected today to go. When he had woken up this morning, still dazed from the heavy sleep, he had wondered if he had conjured up the events of the day before. Maybe exhausted himself to the point where he had seen a rather lengthy dream about what his heart yearned for. That Wine and him had finally confessed and had decided to be together.

But when he registered the weight of an arm around his waist, and glanced to his left, his drowsy eyes fell upon the tousled brown highlights. He couldn't stop the smile that automatically took over his face, the rush of happiness that sweeped through his body, from head to toe. He was taken now. He had a boyfriend.

When Wine stirred, gazing at him with starry eyes overflowing with love and a grin, he mentally vowed to himself. He would never let the light in Wine's eyes dim, he would never let those beautiful eyes that held the world in them fill up with tears. He would ensure that Wine never lost that gleam on his face.

But Wine was now walking away, a single drop of tear trickling down his pale white face, his lips trembling in an attempt to contain sobs that were threatening breach. And Faifa thought death might hurt less. He felt as if his heart was being squeezed ruthlessly, as if it was pierced by a razor sharp needle. Wine was hurting for him.

Wine had defended him. He had fought for him, tooth and nail. With his parents. With his brothers. He had asked with a raspy voice, hoarse from holding back tears, why did everyone think it was okay to hurt Faifa? He had stood up for him.

While he had anticipated his mom's usual non-chalant behaviour as soon as the topic of dinner came up, he clearly hadn't expected Wine to fight with his family over it.

Faifa was aware of what his family members thought of him. He knew they were under the impression that Faifa was not capable of love. He knew they thought that he couldn't hold the deep love and regard for a special someone when he spends all time, taking care of everyone.

He understood where they were coming from. Before Wine entered his life, Faifa had never even considered approaching someone with romantic intent. Faifa loved everyone, tried to please everyone, he wanted everyone to love him back, he wanted the love that he never felt reciprocated with his family.

The thought that some day, he would be held captive by an overpowering love that would require him to hold back on some gestures and reserve them only for a special someone was unbelievable, to him. He had never imagined that one day, he would love someone so deeply, that everyone else would pale in comparison, that he would set out to make that one person's world brighter, if it meant they would just cast a glance upon him.

But Wine had come along, and Faifa's entire world had shifted on its axis. His life started revolving around Wine, only Wine. He was in love with Wine. He wanted to worship the ground Wine walked on. He wanted to be the shoulder that Wine leaned on when he was down. He wanted to be that someone for Wine.

Until today, he hadn't known that Wine would want to be something similar, but to him. That Wine would want to be his saviour.

His mother firmly believed that years ago, Faifa didn't want to live with her and her new family. And it was partly true. Despite being a happy-go-lucky child, Faifa wasn't exactly looking forward to living with a new family. But to know that she didn't want him to live with her either, was one of the lowest blows he had experienced.

To date, she had believed that Faifa hadn't known all along and he had always played along, like a fiddle fulfilling his role of a dutiful son. But Wine had seen right through him, like he always did. He was astounded by how Wine always knew what was up with him, before he could even think about laying bare his scars and fears.

"Shouldn't you have maybe talked about it with him instead of just dropping the news on him and expecting him to be okay with it?" He heard Wine say, he saw his lips move to form those particular words but Wine sounded far away to his ears. Wine was looking at him, eyes dark, a storm raging behind his black orbs. For him. Faifa could only stare back at him, trying to process the implications of Wine's words.

When his mother played it off, he knew Wine was frustrated, he couldn't find it in himself to look back. Should he ask Wine to stop? If his mom were to dismiss any other concern that Wine brought up, Faifa didn't think he would be able to recover from that, anymore. It would also seem unfair to ask Wine to not worry about him, when he expected Wine to share all of his miseries, regardless of how small and insignificant they may be.

His thought process was broken when his mother shoved a bowl full of his "favourite" dessert.

With a fallen heart, he replied. "Mom, that's actually Yotha's favourite."

He saw from the corner of his eyes, Yotha and Wine both shifting uncomfortable in their seats. But he was genuinely lost at sea, not knowing what to do to make things better.

He knew Wine was monitoring every single movement of his, so he tried not to let it show how much it hurt when his mother wouldn't acknowledge her mistake or even serve him a share of dessert. He didn't want Wine to worry more than he already was.

He was lost in his thoughts until Wine had interrupted, his voice panicked.

He could only try to gulp down the lump in his throat when Wine stopped him from eating. His muscles felt lax, the effort to hold the spoon was suddenly monumental and his fingers trembled, when he tried to lower it back to the plate.

"How can you forget he's allergic to dairy products? It's one thing if it was just a minor allergic reaction. P'Faifa can easily collapse within 5 minutes if he's not careful with what he eats and doesn't take his anti-histamines on time." Wine confronted.

Faifa couldn't force himself to be angry with Wine since the worry in his tone was so apparent. Wine sounded scared, even. Faifa didn't want Wine to worry, though. He always had his pills with him, just in case. But he couldn't bring himself to reassure Wine, not without letting him know how profoundly affected Faifa was.

Yotha's attempts to soothe Wine's fears went unheard. Faifa felt as if he was sinking, in an unending darkness. He wanted everything to pause, he wanted silence, so he could gather his own thoughts first. He was blank, his mind unable to comprehend the depths of Wine's accusations while his heart ached for Wine's shaky voice.

He refused to spare a glance at Yotha despite knowing his brother was looking directly at him.

He understood that Wine was just frustrated and sad. But Faifa didn't want to deal with this, he would have rather spent a night cuddling on the sofa with Wine instead of watching helplessly as Wine's cries of concern for Faifa were dismissed.

".....I'm P'Faifa's boyfriend and I love him so much. I don't think I can keep standing on the sidelines watching everyone ignore him over and over." Wine's voice sounded so firm and Faifa couldn't help but look at him.

Wine's face mirrored his own. Tear drops threatening to spill, eyes a dark maze of their own. But Faifa could see Wine's sincerity more than the turmoil going on in their heads.

"P'Faifa, I know you love your family very much. But I don't want to sit here and watch everyone minimize the hurt they've made you feel." Wine spoke his mind. "But if you tell me to stop, I will. Just tell me, ask me to mind my own business. Ask me to shut up. Just say something and I will do as you say." Wine sounded desperate. Faifa could almost hear him say, Please don't stop me. Please don't tell me not to defend you.

Faifa briefly wondered if he wanted Wine to stop, before rage clouded his judgement. Not at Wine, of course, never at Wine.

Wine had seen him multiple times at his most vulnerable. This was no different. But Faifa couldn't stop the anger taking over his emotions. He didn't want Wine to see him weak, falling to his knees over his mother's remarks. He hated that he was sitting here mute, letting Wine defend him. He fucking hated that his cowardice had cost him the promise he made to himself just this morning. Because Wine was about to cry and Faifa couldn't stop it, couldn't gather him in his arms tightly, couldn't reassure him that he was fine because Wine would see right through him.

He had to intervene at some point. And he couldn't have chosen a more bad timing, because when he saw Wine's face fall, his heart shattered into multiple pieces.

Wine sounded defeated when he accepted Faifa's decision. Faifa's eyes widened when he saw the fake smile he had gotten so accustomed to seeing in the mirror, suddenly adorning Wine's face. He gulped, I'm so sorry, Wine.

Faifa understood the amount of guilt that must be weighing down on Yotha now, after all, Wine had left no stone unturned. Faifa knew he had to speak his mind, explain his side for everyone to understand him, so things could become okay again. But above all, he thought he owed it to Wine, his love. The one who had openly declared that as he was Faifa's boyfriend, who loved him very much. He owed it to him, to stand up for himself.

"If you would just listen to me-" Faifa's mom was rambling, once again.

"No, mom." Faifa spoke, his calm eery tone commanding the attention from his entire family.
He blinked once, wiping the drops of tears over his cheeks. He stood up, "This time I'll speak, and I want you all to listen to me."

"Faifa, I'm sorry na. I'm really sorry that I forgot about your allergy. I promise it will never happen again." His mother threw a look at his father, as if to say, is that okay. She then turned to him, expectant.

Faifa knew what she expected of him. He was supposed to assure her that it was okay and that he was not hurt. That she had one too many children including his step-siblings and it was not possible to remember everything. Any other day, he would have done the same. He would've put up a brave front, acting like he was unbothered when every single word and action actually drilled into him like a nail would, slow and agonizing. He would have smiled out loud, hiding his expectations, his disappointment, his bleeding heart.

But he didn't want to do that anymore.

"I'm sorry." He let out a sigh. "I should've talked about this sooner. I shouldn't have let it get to a point where Wine had to step up, for me. I guess, I was just used to being stepped on all the time that I didn't think much of it. But Wine isn't used to this. He is used to seeing me cry after getting hurt because of us, this family. He's used to seeing my scars but he has never seen the ugly conflicts behind it. He must have been overwhelmed, and I hate that he is probably out there crying, for me, because I didn't speak out when I should have."

"Mom is really sorry, Faifa." His mother reiterated. A part of Faifa did believe that his mother was sorry about forgetting his allergy. But do apologies even mean anything if the offense gets repeated whenever?

"This is not just about my allergy, mom." Faifa let his gaze trail to his feet. "This is about how you treat me. How you view me differently. How you've inherently made me feel like I was somehow lesser than your other children." Faifa shut his eyes, tight.

"Faifa, you know that's not true. I love you just as much as I do everyone else."

Faifa let out a short sad laugh, it sounded devastating to his own ears. "You know that's a lie."

"If this is about the milk-"

And Faifa couldn't take it anymore.

"Screw the allergy, mom." He cried out. "I'll even take you offering me milk or any other product that has been crystal clearly labelled as dairy, it's not like this would be the first time anyway. Hell, I'll even take that if it means that you'll have a quarter of concern for me, that you have for Yotha."

Yotha opened his mouth, about to say something but ultimately decided against it.

"But then again, you'd have to remember me in the first place to care for me. But you always just....skip me." Faifa hated the way his voice was dropping low, hated the way his throat started closing up, hated the way he wanted to crawl and disappear.

"Faifa, I admit I worry less about you than the others. It's because I know you. I know how kind you are. It's because I know everyone will love you. But that doesn't mean I love you any less."

Faifa could only shake his head, exasperated, he was starting to hyperventilate.

"You're telling me you didn't think it was necessary to show me that you loved me because, me being the people-pleaser that I am will be loved by others anyway? Do you even hear yourself, mom?" Tears filled his eyes, before cascading their way down. His hands shook, as he fought with his inner will to hide away.

"It wasn't like that..." His mom mumbled her words, her own eyes now full of unspilled tears. She bit her lower lip, shaking her head solemn.

"You've made me feel so worthless, mom. All I ever wanted from you was for you to pay attention to me, for you to atleast love and care for me a little. I was never the first choice for anything to you, anyway. You wanted Yotha to go with you in the first place. And when you actually took me instead, you did it because you wanted me to be the string that connected you back to this family. Not because you loved me or wanted me with you." He swiped the back of his palm against his nose, sniffing back tears.

"And when you found yourself a new happiness, a new distraction, you gladly sent me back." He let out a humourless laugh. "Sent me back because you knew I wasn't happy anyway?"

"I wasn't happy because of you, mom." He shouted. "I wasn't happy because even though you picked me to be with you, I never felt as I was actually chosen. As if I wasn't there solely because you had to take care of me. I waited days, weeks and even months, for you to talk to me, to understand me. And then you decided to send me back. You made my choice for me." A pathetic sob poured out of him. "You never asked me if I wanted to go with you, if I wanted to leave dad and Yotha and Newton. And you never asked me if I wanted to go back."

He held onto the dining table for support, his heart feeling extremely heavy. His heart ached for his previous self, the one who craved for his mother's validation.

"Why, mom? I'm your child, aren't I? You're the one that gave birth to me. Then why do I always feel that you'd rather I not be a part of this family?" His mother shook her head no violently but Faifa continued. "You used to come home before, just to try to get Yotha to forgive you. Is that where I went wrong, mom? That I accepted you and your decisions from the beginning, despite hurting? Maybe, if I had gotten mad at you, would you have treated me better? If I had stopped talking to you as well, would you have tried, for me?"

He ruffled his hair up in frustration. "You don't tell me you're coming home. I end up finding from others at times, sometimes after i randomly come across you. You don't come here to spend time with me, always finding a way to fly back as soon as you've talked to who you actually want to. What did I do wrong to deserve this, mom?"

He pressed the heel of his palms against his eyes, like they would prevent the emotion reservoir from breaking down, brick by brick.

"You come home to ask about Yotha, if he's doing better. You ask if Newton comes home now and then and if he is taking care of himself. All the while I sit in front of you, expecting you to ask me something minimal about my life. But you just don't care, do you?"

"Faifa, listen to me...." His mother cried, as his steps staggered and the back of his knee hit his chair.

"Even when you were trying to win over Yotha, you ignored me. I figured that now that you'd resolved everything with Yotha, we could be a proper family again. One that wasn't so dysfunctional. But you still don't tell me if you're coming, still don't ask how I'm doing. And you still are finding a way to run away from your problems, from dealing with me. You know that I was hurt when you made me wait hours at the airport and didn't give me a notice about you not coming here. That's why you came by to see me at my condo. But you ran away as soon as you said your piece. You said I was sulking, you knew I was ignoring you, but it didn't matter, did it? You ran away because you didn't want to deal with me."

"Faifa, please." His mother was supporting herself with a hand over head, with the elbow placed over the table. She had tear streams on her face. "I do care. I admit I ran away but it wasn't because I didn't want to deal with you or that I didn't care about you."

"I was just.....scared. I knew you were feeling slighted, that you felt as if I was abandoning you. Maybe I've known all along." She mumbled, the words inciting further spread of venom within him.

"But I didn't realise that you were feeling cornered in the beginning. And by the time I did, you were.....okay. Maybe you were putting up an act, but I was scared."

"You knew?" Faifa couldn't believe his own ears. His world was closing in on him. She knew all this while that he had been faking his happiness, hiding his despair. She had known he was pretending to be okay. But she didn't care. "How could you do that to me?" He tilted his head back, staring at the ceiling, He didn't want to see her face.

"Faifa, please listen. Yotha wasn't talking to me, and if you were to stop as well, I don't know what I would've done. I was terrified of the implications of what had happened that I kept postponing facing it. And I'm so sorry that it has led to this, ultimately. But I swear, I have never not cared about you."

Faifa sat back onto his chair, in a huff. He was tired. His heart broke more with every word his mother uttered.

With a crestfallen voice, he whispered, "I wish I could believe you." He blinked, letting the last of tears drain out. He let his fingers move through his hair, clutching the strands. He felt a headache coming along, and he really wanted to go back to his condo. He wanted Wine. He wanted Wine to hug him, to whisper comforting words, to rake his delicate fingers through his hair so this ache in his temples disappear.

He closed his eyes, trying to make himself sound strong, but he failed terribly. "I wish I could believe you, but do you know how your explanation even sounds to me?"

He faced his mom, head-on. She looked at him, eyes wide, brimming with tears. His own eyes were bloodshot, his hair was disheveled, he was a mess. But with conviction, he let his anguish out. "It sounds like you were scared that if I were to stop talking with you, you would have one less source to get through to Yotha. That's why you knew how I felt but never did anything about it, anyway."

His mom let out a wounded noise. "Faifa...."

"Mom, please. I'm done. I don't want to talk anymore. I just....hope you realise how deeply you've hurt me. You can call it sulking, ignoring or whatever you want to make yourself seem like a good parent. But I'll tell you today, you've hurt me more than anyone in my life and I don't think I want to see you right now. Or ever."

"I'm sorry....I'm just tired." Faifa shook his head, standing up again. He needed to find Wine.

Newton stopped him in his tracks. "Fai, stay home today. This has been a long day, and maybe we can sleep this off and have a clearminded conversation tomorrow, yeah? After breakfast."

Faifa understood that Newton was playing the middleman, once more. It was kind of his thing, had been for a long time. Even when they were young and their parents were fighting before divorce. When him and Yotha quarrelled. When Wa and Nop who were his partners at the bar had a disagreement. He had always pretended to not be affected when their parents separated, but he knew this was his coping mechanism.

But Faifa was tired. Newton may not have intended to make him feel singled out. But he had, unintentionally. Faifa knew that the wise thing would be to stay home, talk it out later, calmly. But he no longer wanted to pretend to be okay with everything. He didn't want to behave the "mature" way. For once, he wanted to be the youngest.

Yotha appeared pained. "Ai' Fai, don't say that? You are my brother, you are as much of a part of this family as I am."

Faifa's words were like arrows laced with poison, intended to harm despite Yotha not being deserving of the lash. Faifa was aware of Yotha feeling guilty about being his mother's number one priority just like how Faifa had felt guilty about being chosen all these years.

Yotha, for so many years, believed their mother had abandoned him for Faifa. And when he had talked with her and understood her reasoning behind choosing Faifa, he had broken down, like the hurt and abandoned child he was. But he had been able to let go of his bitterness.

How could Faifa even begin to explain that what words had set him free from his prison were the ones that were wrapped around Faifa's neck, a tight noose?

"Is that why you didn't tell me about mom not boarding the flight here?"

Yotha pursed his lips. "I didn't think you'd be waiting. I thought dad would have told you. Or Newton."

"But why didn't you, Yotha?" Faifa's voice rose by a pitch, his clenched fists firm against his sides. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You thought someone else would have told me. Okay, I understand. But would it be so bad if you were to call me just once and verify that I indeed got that piece of information? Would it hurt you to just check up on me?" Yotha averted his gaze towards the shiny floor, ashamed. He clearly hadn't expected this outcome.

Chapter Text

"Are you hungry? Should we order some food? We didn't exactly get to complete dinner. Sorry about that." Faifa let out a small chuckle, as they stepped over the threshold of Faifa's door. Wine stared at his back, in confusion.

From the moment he had seen the man at the garden after his conversation with his family, he thought Faifa appeared strange. And for some reason, it terrified Wine. His under eyes were swollen, his usually bright eyes were dull-looking but weren't tear filled, but his face however had clear tracks of previous tears, indicating a breakdown, his hair unkept, his throat throbbed on swallowing, as if it physically pained him to do so.

But it wasn't the physical appearance that scared Wine. Faifa looked calm. He appeared sad, tired but there were no frowns over his forehead, his lips weren't aligned in the straight line, which indicated he wasn't angry. Wine didn't understand how to decipher his mood. Especially when he smiled and held his hand out, a slight shiver in his fingers. Wine didn't know if it was due to the cold air or the effort to do so. Yes, Wine was scared. Not of Faifa, but for Faifa.

"Let's go home, shall we?"

Wine had stopped breathing, staring at Faifa's eyes and his hand. He took a deep breath, watching Yotha convince Faifa to not drive the car by himself after everything that had happened.

At Yotha's words, every nerve in Wine's body snapped, sending immense pain all over. What was Wine thinking he was doing? What had he done? What had happened? Questions raced at light-speed in his mind as he noticed Faifa refusing to look at his brother. One would think that he was straight up ignoring him, even. Faifa's face went blank and that again, made him shudder.

Wine was very grateful for that when Faifa played right into Yotha's cards. He, in no way, thought Faifa should be the one behind the wheels. The thought that Faifa agreed to let Gun drive because of Wine made his heart skip a little beat, despite all the uncertainty in the air.

Sat in the car, engulfed in utter silence, Wine's mind began to wander. He spared a look at Faifa sitting directly behind the driver's seat, boring a hole into it with his gaze. He gazed at him for a while but Faifa turned his head away, to watch the night world through the tinted glass. Wine left him to it, his own heart beating unnaturally fast.

In a span of an hour, Wine's entire world had flipped over. From when he was so sure about his relationship with Faifa to now, where he was worried where he stood with Faifa. He would accept Faifa's decision, no matter what. It would hurt like a bitch and he'll probably never be able to smile again, but he would respect Faifa's decision if what Faifa wanted was separation.

But a small part of him still held out hope, would Faifa ask him to go home with him if he wanted to end their relationship? He didn't think so, but he was ready to grovel and beg if it meant Faifa didn't rethink Wine and them. But there were few thoughts, more daunting than others. What if Faifa decided not to trust him anymore? After all, he had aired Faifa's business for everyone in his family to see. What if Faifa thought Wine wasn't deserving of being his safe space anymore? What if Faifa didn't want to confide in Wine ever again?

Would he be able to handle that? If Faifa were to give up on Wine, Wine would give up on himself. He didn't think he would find it in himself to keep going. He closed his eyes, not wanting to cry once again. This wasn't about him. This was about Faifa. Faifa, whose emotions Wine had made a spectacle of.

He felt ridiculously nauseous and briefly considered asking Gun to pull over, so he could spill out the barely eaten contents of his gut. His fingers twitched with the effort to not reach out for Faifa's hand, resting just a few inches away from his own. He didn't know if he had the right to do so anymore. But he still found himself reaching out, his index finger making the lightest contact over the back of Faifa's hand.

Faifa seemed lost in his thoughts, Wine inched his hand a little more closer. Faifa flinched a little, sending a hammer across Wine's fragile heart before looking at their hands now in extreme close proximity. He hadn't looked at Wine's face but Wine saw him gulp. He felt breathless, waiting for Faifa's judgement. To be or to not be.

When Faifa took his hand in his own, Wine let out a breath he didn't realise he was holding. Faifa still hadn't looked at him, but his thumb grazed the back of his hand, bringing calm to his racing heart. He found himself reciprocating the action, looking at Faifa. He slumped back in his seat, exhausted. He closed his eyelids, giving his eyes much deserved rest after crying for so long.

He wasn't aware of Faifa looking at him through downcast eyes, his own turmoil tormenting him from the inside out.

As soon as Gun had left the car, Wine's heart started beating fast again. Maybe the moral support of his presence had helped maintain his calm demure till then, but he felt bare now, emotions laid open for Faifa to do as he pleased.

But Faifa wasn't doing anything, he was barely talking. Wine felt he might faint from all the anxiety threatening to burst out of him. He would take Faifa screaming at him over this. Faifa had never shouted at him, before. The thought itself agitated him, but somehow Faifa ignoring the elephant in the room hurt more. Maybe a punch to the face might hurt less. His mouth was slightly open, he noticed his breathing starting to become rapid, his heart hammered against his ribs, his eyes starting to congest once more.

Despite not having said a single word the whole ride back home and up the elevator, Wine physically jerked when Faifa spoke suddenly, asking him if he wanted to eat something. His heart squeezed painfully in his chest cavity at Faifa's nonchalant voice. Had Wine imagined today's events? Faifa still wasn't meeting his eyes, moving towards the kitchen counter. Wine stood near the door, his feet refusing to move forward. He felt numb, the very act of moving seemingly tremendous.

He swallowed with great difficulty, his vision blurring. His palms started to sweat, he wiped it down the side of pants forcefully.

"Should we get Thai food? You love that."

"N-No." Wine stumbled over his words. He clenched his fists.

Faifa paused from where he was probably searching through the drawer for restaurant menus to place order. He still stood with his back to Wine, his posture extremely stiff.

"How about Chinese then?" Faifa resumed surfing through the drawers.

"P'Faifa?" He didn't care how broken he sounded. He needed Faifa to look at him right now. Faifa straightened, looking towards the front. He had heard Wine, loud and clear. The hand holding the menu clenched, crumpling the sides of the paper while his other hand moved to rest on the island.

Wine took a shaky step towards him.

"Or did you" Faifa cleared his throat. "Did you want Indian?"

Wine couldn't take it anymore.

"I don't want food." Wine shouted, followed by heavy heaves of breaths. Faifa finally turned towards him, eyes large and wide, anxiety-ridden. Was he trying to hide his feelings from Wine?

The thought sent Wine's heart into a sad frenzy. His eyes replicated his emotions, as a single tear rolled down his cheek.

"I don't want food, P'Faifa." Wine's voice cracked mid-sentence. "I don't want anything. I just want to know what's on your mind."

Faifa's face twisted in anguish, before sighing. He didn't want Wine to cry. Seeing Wine hurt, hurt him to no end. But his own head was an array of emotions, his heart a complete mess. He didn't know where to start from, what to broach first.  He turned towards Wine, the kitchen island supporting his back. His hands twitched at his side, wanting to reach out and touch Wine.

Wine took one more step closer to Faifa, his legs shaking with nervousness.

"Are you okay?" Wine struggled to form clear words.

Faifa sighed, before closing his eyes. He didn't understand his own feelings to explain his predicament to Wine. Maybe he had been selfish, making Wine accompany him when he hadn't organised his thoughts yet. But he had not wanted to be alone and the way Wine had looked when they were standing outside his house, he didn't want Wine to be alone as well.

But looking at Wine close to a panic attack, Faifa felt guilty about putting his feelings first and not being considerate enough of Wine who was clearly anxious due to Faifa's silence.

"P'Faifa?" Wine called out his name. "Do you want me to go? Would that make you feel better?" He sniffled his nose, his lips upturned.

"Wine..." Faifa looked down, ashamed. He knew that a relationship shouldn't be built on things like ego and pride. But he felt ashamed that Wine had seen him at such a low point and that he had put Wine in such a position that the shy boy, who didn't like attention, had put himself up a pedestal for everyone to see, to defend Faifa's honour.

"I'm sorry. I'm a horrible person. I understand that you're mad but..." Wine broke out in a cry. "But can we atleast talk this out? Please don't ignore me." Wine bit his lips, to prevent it from quivering.

Faifa was taken aback. He pushed himself off the counter and headed towards Wine. "Wine, what are you talking about ?"

Wine's eyes were unsteady, flitting between the man and the ground. "I'm so sorry, P'Faifa. I know I've hurt you a lot and you're well within your rights to treat me as you please, considering the weight of what I did. But please talk with me. Tell me what's going on in your head. You probably don't trust me, but you're scaring me right now. So, please just say something." Wine rubbed his tears away with the back of his hand.

Faifa closed the distance between them, clutching Wine's hand. "Why are you crying? Why are you saying sorry? You've not hurt me, you haven't done anything wrong. What are you talking about?"

When Wine kept crying, Faifa pulled him into a hug. He held Wine's head firm against his shoulder, his other hand snaking around Wine's waist. He nuzzled Wine's hair, hushing the boy's cries.

He felt Wine struggling to breathe against him. He pulled back from the hug, holding both of Wine's hands, in his grip. "Wine, I need you to breathe. Slowly."

"Come on, breathe with me, slowly. That's it, inhale now. You're doing great. Exhale, slowly. Come on, do it again." Wine tried his best to follow through on Faifa's instructions and soon enough, he was able to calm down his breathing.  He looked up at Faifa, cries wracking through his body again. He threw himself at Faifa, both of hands around Faifa's neck, holding onto him for dear life. Faifa held Wine by his waist, patting his back gently.

"What are you even saying sorry for, Wine?" Faifa whispered into his hair.

"I shouldn't have said anything back there. I acted like a child, throwing a temper tantrum and I ended up, saying things that I never should have said. It was yours to tell and share. I'm sorry I violated your trust. I know I should have just shut up, but P'Faifa, it just felt so unfair." He drew in a quick breath. "To watch you be treated like that and stay quiet. I had to say something. There's no way I could have stayed still after everything. But I just spilled a lot of things you said to me in confidance and made things worse. And I'm so sorry for that....You trusted me and I betrayed you." He hiccuped, sniffling repeatedly.

Faifa was puzzled for a second before his brain caught up. Wine was feeling guilty. Wine thought that Faifa would be mad at him for calling out his family. Everything started to make sense.

Faifa pulled Wine away from the hug, his hands moved to hold Wine's cheeks. He needed Wine to look into his eyes while he said this.

"Wine, listen to me." Faifa made Wine look at him. "Why are you saying sorry? If anything, you were the reason I stood up for myself. Before today, I had never even thought I'd be able to say something to them. But today, I've stood up for myself, I've called them out on all the times they've done me wrong. And I did it because of you, for you." He also started tearing up.

Wine shook his head. "But, you should've been able to do that at your own pace, without me jumping in and basically forcing your hand."

"Wine, I don't think I would have ever been able to." Faifa bit his lips, shaking his head. "I know where your head is at."

"Yes, you revealed things I told you in private. Yes, that wasn't very cool." Wine's face scrunched again, Faifa continued. "Listen to me, alright. I forgive you, though. I forgive you for what you did. Because if it weren't for you, I never would have respected myself enough to express my view on things. Had you not been with me, I wouldn't have had the courage to speak my mind. Without you, I would have just sat through the dinner, through my mom's taunts and cried the whole way back home, when I was alone. So, it's okay, stop crying. I'm not mad."

Wine let out tears of relief, burying himself in Faifa's chest again.

"You weren't throwing a temper tantrum, you were just defending me. You love me a lot, don't you?" Faifa said, Wine nodding against his chest.

"I thought you would hate me and that you wouldn't trust me again." Wine whined, his throat closing up.

"Baby, there's no way I could ever hate you....And you'll always have my trust. I'll trust you with my life, Wine." Faifa sounded so honest, that Wine couldn't help but hug him tighter, wanting to be one with him. "If anything, I should be the one apologizing."

Wine pulled away, just a little, still not separating from the hug. He frowned at Faifa's words.

Faifa wiped his tears away. "This is the second time I've made you cry in just 2 days. All because I was a coward."

Wine shook his head, adamant. "You're the bravest person I've ever known."

Faifa let out a small chuckle. "I'm still sorry, though."

"Fine, then. I forgive you too." Wine repeated Faifa's words back to him.

Faifa smiled before raising his hand to the back of Wine's neck, slowly pulling him for a kiss. Their lips touched each other's, Wine letting out a sigh of relief immediately while Faifa breathed him in. Faifa pressed chaste kisses over Wine's lips, who freely reciprocated the kisses. Tears that he had held in flowed from Faifa's eyes into the space between them. Wine frowned, feeling the wetness against his cheek, before kissing back with more love. They could both feel the connect, their emotions behind the kiss. Wine tightened his hold on Faifa's white t-shirt, scrunching it up.