Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

im thinking of ending things. 

such an odd thing to think about, truly. the thought wouldve never crossed pure vanilla's mind before this. 

oh, but it had. 

it had and it has and it will. ending things... ending what? 

there are lots of things he could end, yes. his status as king. his status as a souljam wielder, perhaps. his friendships. his connections. his life. 

the thought used to scare him, just like his aversion to food. its slow, like a virus, like a disease. it crawls and twists and seeps. he got used to it eventually. 

it became an everyday passing thought. crossing the hallway? what would it be like to be crushed under that chandelier? would it hurt? would it be instant? 

taking walks in the garden? what if he was mauled by something? tripped and fell down a particularly steep hill? 

he could go on and on. which is what he usually does, yes, but he has no energy for such things today. or anything, really, but a king must serve, and a king is what he is. 

but it lingers in the back of his mind like a wound. like an Infection. he grits his teeth, furrowing his eyebrows. focus, pure vanilla cookie. 

he suddenly stands up, the motion knocking his chair over. the sound makes him flinch, and he ignores the immediate fantasy of a rope and a knot. 

he looks towards his staff, seeking comfort within something he cant even see clearly. he finds nothing but his own face looking back at him. what a nauseating sight. 

he angles his staff back at his desk, swallowing. yes, that letter. the letter he had been writing to dark cacao. about beast-yeast. he needs to focus on that. 

he bends down with a slight huff of pain and picks his chair up, setting it straight and sitting down again. he may be immortal, but he sure does feel his age sometimes. 

he sets his quill to paper again, taking in deep breaths. he needs to focus on his words. 

after a few hours, he signs the paper, folding it neatly with his free hand. he hopes it finds dark cacao well. he hopes dark cacao is well.

-

im thinking of ending things. 

the thought returns to him, again and again. 

"pure vanilla cookie!" gingerbrave's voice brings pure vanilla out of a trance he didnt even realize he was in, and his head snaps in the direction he heard his kid's voice, his staff following suite. 

of course, the group of young cookies with him arent actually his children, but he likes to think of them as. he adores them like his own, after all. 

"...my apologies, i lost myself for a moment." 

strawberry cookie gives pure vanilla a worried glance, and gingerbrave fidgets as they walk. 

"what about taking a break?" gingerbrave suggests cheerfully, and wizard cookie nods, already taking a seat. 

pure vanilla hesitates, but sighs and settles against a tree, propping his staff up next to him. 

a crunch, and then a yell. pure vanilla has seconds to see through his staff that hes on the ground and bleeding profusely before the world goes black.

-

im thinking of ending things. 

its getting a little old, isnt it? 

pure vanilla hasnt seriously thought about it in a while. not really. it became a distant object in the fog, something on the back burner. 

sometimes, he misses the absence of those thoughts and those fantasies of death. sometimes they come back and take him by surprise — he had sworn he was getting better. but was he ever getting better? was he ever getting anywhere? 

sometimes he wishes shadow milk wouldve crumbled him immediately. thrown him off the top of the spire. stabbed him. anything. 

not this. he doesnt deserve this. 

pure vanilla looks up at shadow milk through half lidded eyes. his staff lays beside them, angled so pure vanilla can see shadow milk. 

its quite odd being able to see himself pressed against shadow milks chest so pathetically like that. hes been pathetic before, yes, but... not vulnerable like this. 

shadow milk could easily end things. end pure vanilla's life. end the spire. end the illusions. snap pure vanillas neck. suffocate him. tell him how horrible he is. 

"you smell nice," 

"huh?" 

"you smell nice," shadow milk repeats. "dont make me say it again." 

"sorry." pure vanilla smiles. the jester is so... sweet sometimes. its always random — he never expects it. but he's become dependant on it, whether he admits it or not. and hes sure shadow milk can feel it, too. 

they feel everything together. each day spent in the spire with each other just seems to connect them further. its like trying to listen to a muddled radio — static, but just enough clarity to get a good idea on what the other is experiencing. shadow milk's dependency on pure vanilla wouldve scared him back then - but people change, dont they? 

a slight breeze blows through, and the faint memory of an almost attempted suicide passes through pure vanilla's mind. standing on top of the balcony railings, robes loose and rustling in the wind. 

fear was the only thing that made him step down. fear. not the thought of his kingdom, not even his friends. fear. and that made him feel sick. 

"what are you thinking about?" shadow milk asks quietly. its not like him to be quiet. "its so depressing its bringing my mood down!" 

pure vanilla lets out a dry-ish chuckle. "nothing, nothing. ill stop." 

he angles his staff to look towards shadow milk. what an oddly beautiful sight he is. 

pure vanilla has always found it endearing and even a little comical shadow milk cant control his facial expressions. even as good of a liar as he is, he cant control his face. 

even with his best lie, one twitch of a muscle will crumble it. pure vanilla wonders how shadow milk copes with that. 

"looking at me again?" 

"yes," pure vanilla replies. "you are quite lovely to look at." 

"stop with the sweet talking...! it wont get you out of here." shadow milk sneers, but he doesnt look at pure vanilla. 

pure vanilla just smiles like an old fool. thats what he is, isnt he? an old fool. 

"im content with staying here, shadow milk." its the truth, in itself. pure vanilla isnt content at all — but he could be. he will be. 

and maybe thats all good in the grand scheme of things. "i will be content" could mean a lot of things. 

pure vanilla will be content with remaining by shadow milk's side. pure vanilla will be content with rotting away within deceit. pure vanilla will be content as he throws himself off the top of the spire— 

"pure vanilla?" 

shadow milk's voice rips pure vanilla out from his fantasy of suicide, and pure vanilla lets our a hum in acknowledgement. 

"stop... stop thinking that. stop." 

its not everyday you hear shadow milk scared — no, not even scared, *terrified*. horrified. 

"as much as i lo—ove when youre lost in the sea of deceit and despair, that... ugh. just stop." 

"as you wish," pure vanilla hums. even though he agrees, he knows that wont be the last of his fantasies. it never is. theyll come back. theyll come back and dig a new hole in pure vanilla's head.

Chapter Text

"you promised you'd stop." 

pure vanilla angles his staff the other way along with his head, getting a good glimpse of shadow milk floating through the balcony curtains. 

"i lied," pure vanilla says, almost amused, as he looks back at the cigarette in between his long fingers. its half gone, and pure vanilla knows hes gonna miss it. 

he doesnt smoke as much as he used to, which is effort in itself. he used to stress smoke — and he was stressed almost all the time. 

he found "better" coping habits. and by better, he guesses he meant ones that dont destroy his lungs. 

"i taught you too well." shadow milk snickers, resting a few feet off the ground beside pure vanilla. he stands on the side the smoke doesnt blow, but pure vanilla can feel shadow milk watching him. 

pure vanilla brings the cigarette to his lips. "you act like ive never told a lie before." 

he breathes it out, feeling an ache in his chest that has nothing to do with the smoke in his lungs and all to do with the cookie next to him. hes sure shadow milk feels that ache too. 

"the cookie of truth, telling a lie," shadow milk teases. "doesnt quite sound believable." 

"ive lied about plenty." that much is true. pure vanilla has lied about, well, things hes deemed rather pointless in his head. so pointless it brings him a horrible sense of guilt and shame to think about. 

"really? do tell." shadow milk presses, tilting his head. pure vanilla suddenly wants to kiss the spot between his beautiful eyes. 

"i once lied to my dear friend hollyberry cookie that i was eating well." pure vanilla wants to list more, but the thought makes him feel incredibly nauseous. he takes another deep drag of his cigarette. 

"re—eally? colored me surprised." the jester sighs, tapping his long claws against the safety railings. pure vanilla wills his gaze away, not wanting to think more about how nice it must feel to be a puddle on the ground. 

"and i once lied to golden cheese cookie that i had stopped harming myself." he knows this one will be investigated immediately by shadow milk, and hes... not prepared. but what can you do? 

"harm yourself..." shadow milk slowly turns to glare at pure vanilla, his gaze dark. "nilly, what do you mean?" 

that nickname. 

pure vanilla sighs and lifts his arm up, the one not holding his precious cigarette, and lets the sleeve fall down. 

"pull my sleeve down." 

pure vanilla watches as shadow milk reluctantly, but curiously, pulls down the second skin tight sleeve, eyes widening and dulling at the messy, gruesome sight of pure vanilla's rather mangled arm. 

its mostly healed, but the last time he had done a number to himself. so much so he had to keep his arm bent at his chest for weeks. 

"nilly, what the—?" shadow milk continues to stare, and pure vanilla shakily brings that damn cigarette to his lips again. 

"its disgusting, i know—" he winces as shadow milk brings his fingers to the cuts, going over them with care and a look in his eyes that pure vanilla can only describe as worshipful. 

they stay silent for a while, and pure vanilla ignores the stinging on his arm in favor of shadow milk touching him so gently, holding his arm like that. 

"...can i watch next time?" 

"what?" the question shocks pure vanilla so much he almost drops his cigarette. which he does after a few seconds, putting it out. 

he figures shadow milk wants to watch to maybe make sure he doesnt go too far? too much? 

"you heard me, nilly. i want to watch." shadow milk lets go, and pure vanilla quickly pulls his sleeves back down. 

"okay," pure vanilla hesitantly nods. he doesnt see why he wouldnt let shadow milk watch — shadow milk had harmed him in the past. its nothing different, or special. 

"master shadow milk!! black sapphire ripped my dress!" pure vanilla flinches as he hears candy apple suddenly scream from somewhere inside the spire. shadow milk's head whips around, cracking loudly. his body follows suit, and he sighs. 

"ill see you later, nilly!" he declares, and flies off into the spire. 

pure vanilla sighs and looks towards the balcony again, leaning against the railings. his pulse pounds in his ear, and he finds himself trembling. 

he lights another cigarette and places it in between his lips as he imagines what id feel like to become mush against the ground.

-

of course, its mandatory for pure vanilla to attend dinner with shadow milk, candy apple, and black sapphire. 

he stares down at his plate, really not feeling it tonight. he doesnt want to eat, but with shadow milk watching — he has to. 

thats the routine — eat until shadow milk looks satisfied and then throw it up later. hes sure shadow milk knows, or feels it, but hes finding it increasingly hard to care. 

"seriously, nilly, you eat so little," shadow milk comments after dinner, safely tucked away in pure vanilla's bed. he watches as pure vanilla keeps up his nightly routine of getting ready. 

"im not really that hungry most days." pure vanilla excuses it as that — a small appetite. its what he told his friends, and its what he will tell everyone. 

shadow milk raises an eyebrow, not quite buying it. "suuure, nilly. can you hurry up? im getting cold, here." 

pure vanilla chuckles and climbs into bed, sliding into shadow milk's arms. shadow milk gladly holds onto him. pure vanilla notices the hold is extra tight tonight. 

usually, shadow milk is the one to fall asleep last — but pure vanilla finds himself restless. shadow milk holds onto pure vanilla rather tightly, clinging. 

pure vanilla tries to sleep, he really does, but more pressing matters occupy his mind. 

such as his impending doom. 

he feels rather disappointed in himself. he had gone most of the day without thinking of these things, to which he was very proud of himself, until they came back. 

just how life goes, huh? 

he wants a cigarette. 

but he doesnt want to wake up shadow milk — its not often he gets to be awake long enough to experience shadow milk's sweeter side for more than a few minutes. 

pure vanilla sighs, wriggling in a little closer to finally get comfortable. he'll have that cigarette tomorrow. 

- 

suicide. pure vanilla isnt sure whether to laugh or cry at the thought. 

he'd be lying if he said his patience wasnt wearing thin. of course, hes a very patient man — but this is taking quite the toll on him. thinking about killing himself every minute of the day when he sees any potential dangers is... tiring. 

hes exhausted. 

pure vanilla wonders if shadow milk is too. when they merged, he felt all kinds of things. wonderful, horrible, terrifying things. but something he felt he remembers the absolute most — how lonely shadow milk was. how depressed and sick and downright the same as pure vanilla. it scared him. he wonders if shadow milk felt the same. 

pure vanilla steps out onto the balcony, this time bringing a chair with him. he feels safer sitting down today. 

shadow milk had announced earlier he had business to attend to, and pure vanilla didnt question it. "business" could mean anything from crumbling cookies to sewing clothes. he hopes its the second option. 

despite his shaky hands, he takes out a cigarette and lights it, leaving it in his mouth for a good minute while he tries to relax. 

hes really gotta quit one of these days. 

he stares out the view of the other—realm with his staff, feeling a bit calmer now. the blues and blacks are quite beautiful, and remind him greatly of shadow milk. hes never really talked about it before, but he would like to tell shadow milk one day that he has an amazing eye for design. 

theres a lot pure vanilla wants to tell shadow milk. a lot he wants to talk about that hes picked up on about the other. its something you do after a while of being around someone else for so long — especially after merging into one with somebody, even for a few minutes. 

pure vanilla almost misses being one with shadow milk. the merging itself wasnt even unpleasant — the experience was very pleasant. the mixture of feelings and memories was quite confusing. pure vanilla hadnt been able to tell whos was whos, but in the end, it wouldnt have quite mattered. they were one. and pure vanilla isnt quite sure if theres anything more intimate than that. anything more romantic than that. 

"the pure vanilla cookie, smoking?" black sapphire chuckles, appearing out of thin air. pure vanilla wasnt startled that much — he had expected a visit from black sapphire soon enough. the other cookie tends to enjoy hearing pure vanilla talk about life outside of the spire. 

"old habit," pure vanilla lets out a breathy laugh, angling the cigarette away from black sapphire. 

they sit in silence for a while, a rare occurrence for black sapphire. usually, he never shuts up, according to candy apple, at least. pure vanilla quite enjoys her company as well. 

"master shadow milk should be back pretty soon. he was off to go make a new dress for candy apple," black sapphire suddenly begind to talk. "i accidentally ripped it while messing with her." 

pure vanilla hums. "he makes clothes?" 

"he makes a lot of things. plushies, clothes. his hobby, i guess."

pure vanilla smiles. thats cute. adorable. he likes that. he likes that a lot. 

they speak for a little longer before black sapphire leaves, pure vanillas cigarette long crushed on the floor. he tries to relax again, but finds himself staring at the ground below the balcony. 

it looks so far. 

it begins swirling up, and before pure vanilla realizes it, he hears shadow milk yell — and then hes caught, inches away from the ground, by a very distressed, angry shadow milk. 

"nilly, what the hell!? what the fuck are you doing!?" this is the first time hes heard shadow milk curse, and at this point, hes sure its warranted. "were you trying to kill yourself!?" 

probably. it was unintentional, as far as pure vanilla is sure. an unconscious decision...? he doesnt even remember climbing over the railings or even falling over. 

"i—" pure vanilla gasps, realizing he hadnt been breathing. "no— i dont know..." he isnt sure. he can barely think, his mind running a million miles per hour. 

shadow milk pulls pure vanilla back up, shutting the doors leading to the balcony. he throws pure vanilla onto the bed and quickly pins the other down, clinging closely to him. 

"dont scare me like that again." shadow milk demands. pure vanilla is sure he can feel him shake. "dont... dont ever do anything like that again." 

a fresh wave of guilt rushes over pure vanilla immediately, making him want to cry. 

he feels shadow milk shove his face against pure vanillas neck, seeking comfort. the urge to kiss the space between his eyes come back, and pure vanilla does nothing to fight it. 

he doesnt quite get the spot he wanted, but his lips find the top of shadow milk's head, and thats good enough. its been a very long time since pure vanilla has kissed anybody, but he doesnt mind kicking it back up with shadow milk as the kiss victim. 

of course, pure vanillas nerves are still frayed from earlier. falling, what, 20 stories or more? down almost to the ground doesnt do well for your psyche. every few minutes, he feels the sensation again and panics until shadow milk comforts him. hes sure the old shadow milk wouldve enjoyed seeing him like this. and maybe shadow milk now enjoys it. 

pure vanilla finds it hard to care about that. he can ignore shadow milk's sadism. hes sure shadow milk wanted to make fun of him, but for some reason couldnt. he wonders why.

Chapter Text

pure vanilla thinks itd be more useful if shadow milk would speak his feelings, rather than let pure vanilla guess. sure, its sort of easy, seeing theyre still lingering between the difficulties of being seperate after becoming one. 

although pure vanilla soon finds himself in some kind of... nightmare. not unusual for the king. 

except in the nightmare hes already dead. 

this is where youll be soon. dead. dead. dead!

hes lying on the ground, blood pooled around him. from where? everywhere. his souljam is shattered. 

thats not even the most horrifying part. 

shadow milk sits on his knees in front of pure vanilla, panicking. hes yelling, but pure vanilla cant understand a word of it. 

whats worse, he thinks, is he can feel shadow milk shake his body, fix his clothes, even brush his hair out of his face. 

you did this. you did this. hes going to die too.

pure vanilla tries to say something, anything, but finds its quite hard to speak when youre dead. 

he watches with morbid curiosity as shadow milk moves pure vanillas arms and slides himself under one, effectively cuddling up with him one last time. 

pure vanilla barely has time to react before shadow milk is shattering his own souljam. 

you did this.

pure vanilla watches as shadow milk dies. 

you did this.

pure vanilla watches as shadow milk slowly begins to crumble. 

you did this.

pure vanilla watches as shadow milk's breathing begins to stutter. 

you did this. 

pure vanilla watches as shadow milk dies within his arms. 

do you feel better?

was it worth it?

-

pure vanilla wakes up with a strangled sob, scrambling to put his hands on shadow milk and absolutely make sure shadow milk is still alive. 

he fails at doing it in a coherent manner, instead scaring shadow milk awake with his sobs and very quickly earning shadow milk's hands cradling his face, wiping his tears. 

"nilly, what happened!?" shadow milk asks, almost as panicked as pure vanilla. 

pure vanilla tries to get a coherent sentence in through his sobs, but just ends up crying harder. 

the dream still seems to linger, and he feels his souljam, his dough ache. his hands frantically pull shadow milk closer, feeling for cracks, for blood, for injury. 

he calms down just a little when he finds shadow milk is very healthy and very alive. 

"nilly, talk to me—" shadow milk tries to shush pure vanilla, peppering his face with kisses. "whats wrong?" 

it takes pure vanilla a few more kisses and a face full of shadow milk's chest to calm down enough to speak. 

"i just—" he finds it hard to breathe, still. "i just had a rather bad nightmare. i apologize for scaring you." 

shadow milk sighs, claws and fingers running through pure vanilla's hair. 

"i could feel something definitely scared the flour right out of you. what was it about?" 

pure vanilla doesnt know how to tell shadow milk he had a nightmare where he not only killed himself, but watched his other half join him. 

"i... i dont want to speak about it. not right now." 

after a few moments, shadow milk simply nods, keeping the peaceful silence between the two. the occasional sniffle or deep, shuddering breath from pure vanilla cuts through the quiet, but even then shadow milk finds it comforting. 

"thats okay, nilly." its totally not okay, but shadow milk knows pure vanilla isnt going to talk about what he doesnt want to. the old fool is stubborn like that. almost as stubborn as shadow milk. 

pain and paranoia still eats away at pure vanilla, but he ignores it, now fully relaxed against shadow milk's shoulder. 

he would have many more nightmares.

-

the nightmares happen every night — so much so shadow milk has permanently moved into pure vanillas room, as pure vanilla would just come wake up shadow milk anyway. 

its easier like that. its more comforting like that. even though its sort of inconvenient for shadow milk, he doesnt mind. its for his vanilly. 

his vanilly... when did he start thinking of him like that? hard to say, hard to say. 

pure vanilla has still not told shadow milk anything about those damned nightmares of his. they must be downright horrible if it has him waking up screaming and sobbing, damn near having a heart attack. 

nows not the time to dwell on that, he supposes. hes out on a walk with pure vanilla around the outside of the spire. fresh air (as fresh as he can get it in his other—realm) is always good for the soul. 

pure vanilla is holding shadow milk's hand too, unfamiliar with the layout of the other—realm, and quite frankly, a little scared of it. and maybe its also one big excuse to hold shadow milk's hand. 

"your other—realm is quite beautiful," pure vanilla comments softly. "like you." 

shadow milk snorts. "beautiful?" 

"yes," 

"well, thanks, i guess. i already know i have great design choices." shadow milk grumbles, obviously flustered. pure vanilla softly giggles. 

they continue their stroll, hand in hand, the soft "tok, tok, tok" of pure vanilla's staff hitting the ground filling the air. 

pure vanilla smiles softly to himself. he really does adore shadow milk. 

Chapter Text

"youre thinner than usual." 

the question — no, statement — scares the hell out of pure vanilla, even though he knows shadow milk knows of his eating habits. though he hopes he doesnt know of every after meal routine of his. 

maybe shadow milk can feel it, too. he wonders if shadow milk is ever confused about a burn in his throat or the hollow ache of hunger. 

"am i?" pure vanilla pretends to act surprised. "i hadnt noticed... i dont think i am." 

he knows he is, but he'd rather crumble than tell shadow milk. 

"nilly," shadow milk comes closer, hands resting on pure vanilla's waist. his fingers ghosting over his ribs isnt very discreet. "youre all bones." 

despite pure vanillas blush, he frowns slightly. shadow milk sounds sad — even though its obvious hes trying to hide it. 

"nilly, talk. please. have you been eating?" 

"you wont like the answer," pure vanilla murmurs. he knows shadow milk wants him to lie, but pure vanilla... really dislikes lying, even to the beast of deceit himself. 

soft hands come to rest on pure vanillas cheeks, claws gently scraping his skin. pure vanilla knows shadow milk doesnt mean to scratch him. 

"youre gonna waste away, nilly!" shadow milk exclaims, exasperated. he tries to hide it. "what good of a host would i be if i let my dear guest rot?" 

a very good host, pure vanilla thinks. i wouldnt mind rotting away with you. 

"okay, okay... ill eat." pure vanilla hates to worry shadow milk, really. he knows hes still gonna avoid it like the plague, but... 

a sudden realization strikes him. 

it doesnt matter.

it doesnt matter! 

hes going to kill himself anyway, so why would it matter? 

the realization makes him almost too happy. he hugs shadow milk, tightly, so hes too distracted to notice the smile on his face and the humming of his souljam. 

"affectionate now, are we?" shadow milk giggles, slowly twirling pure vanilla. he giggles again as pure vanilla peppers kisses all over his neck and cheek. 

quite the shame, really. 

-

look at him.

one last time. look at him.

pure vanilla is staring right at shadow milk's body. 

hes dead.

look at him.

pure vanilla cant tear his eyes away, nor his hands. he carefully holds shadow milk's cold face, sobbing and screaming words he cant even understand. 

one last time. one last time. one last time.

pure vanilla's knees are bleeding, fragments of shadow milk's shattered souljam digging into his delicate dough. 

he lays himself in shadow milk's arms. theyve always fit together perfectly, havent they? 

he reaches behind himself with flexibility that surprises him and rams his own staff into his back, tearing through flesh with alarming ease. 

he hears his souljam shatter as his staff breaches air. 

shadow milk stares back, and if pure vanilla pretends hard enough, hes sure his other half is saying i love you.

pure vanilla wakes from a slightly different nightmare this time, but for some reason, this one is more horrific than his own suicides in his dream. 

he scrambles upwards, before realizing shadow milk is gently holding him down. 

shadow milk... 

"blue bird?" pure vanilla asks, trying not to sound as panicked as he feels. 

he only earns a sleepy grunt from the other. 

he can feel shadow milk's chest against his cheek, the deep rise and fall of sleep. hes still breathing. 

pure vanilla calms down almost immediately, the heaviness of sleep catching him again. 

it feels like he wakes up immediately, although he knows he mustve slept. he can feel shadow milk's fingers in his hair, and his face is buried in shadow milk's chest. really, his favorite place to be. 

somehow, they had completely rolled to the other side, shadow milk all but attached to pure vanilla. hes a cuddler, pure vanilla has come to realize. its cute. very cute. 

shadow milk is still asleep, which gives pure vanilla a bit of time to think. 

hes still here. 

what a relief.

-

even though theyre too separate cookies, sometimes pure vanilla is so sure hes only half without shadow milk. hes ambidextrous, but sometimes, theres a dull ache when he tries to use both arms, like hes missing half of his body. 

he wonders often if shadow milk feels the same. hes sure he does, because shadow milk hasnt left pure vanilla alone in a while. 

theyre holding hands, and pure vanilla is sure its an illusion, but its raining. he quite enjoys the rain — it reminds him of home. of how he'd be so overjoyed to see his garden getting the rain. how gentle it felt. how gentle it feels now. 

shadow milk's dough is wet against pure vanilla's, and its slightly uncomfortable, but he finds himself gripping shadow milk's hand a little tighter. he swears he feels shadow milk's grip tighten as well. 

"the rain is lovely," pure vanilla comments, opening his eyes. even though everything is very, very blurry, he does enjoy seeing things from his own eyes occasionally — and to give his staff a break. 

"if you say so, nilly." shadow milk grins, floating over a puddle. 

his hand is especially warm today. pure vanilla likes that. he knows hes going to miss it one day. 

"seriously, why do you insist on your silly morning walks even in the rain?" shadow milk suddenly asks, not letting go of pure vanilla's hand. 

"i enjoy my walks," pure vanilla gives a little shrug. usually, he'd smoke, but he'd rather not so near shadow milk. "usually id also tend to my gardens." 

"gardens, hm? youre such an old man, nilly." 

"youre even older." pure vanilla giggles as shadow milk shoots him a glare, a fond smile on pure vanilla's face. 

they circle back to the spire, shadow milk opening the door for pure vanilla and bowing dramatically. pure vanilla chuckles. 

"thank you, blue bird." he steps inside, waiting for shadow milk to follow. he doesnt like to be alone in the spire without shadow milk (he doesnt like being anywhere without shadow milk anyway), especially because of how confusing the spire can get. 

shadow milk immediately takes pure vanilla's hand back in his, and they begin to walk again. 

"how are your arms?" 

oh, right. his arms. 

"healed up by now... i dont like to use my own magic on myself." pure vanilla admits. if he had used his magic, they wouldnt leave very many scars. but really, whats the point if it wont leave proof of his suffering? 

why does he even need proof? 

shadow milk nods with a hum, leaning against pure vanilla as they walk. 

they pass under a chandelier, and it feels like a mockery to pure vanilla. 

he wonders, again, how it would feel to be crushed under it.

Chapter Text

pure vanilla wonders if shadow milk finds some sort of enjoyment in this. 

his arm is aching and stinging, and blood is covering a good portion of his skin now. 

shadow milk is sitting beside him, arms wrapped around his waist, head resting on his shoulder. watching. 

he has a headache, too, and hes feeling a little sick if hes being honest. and his arm hurts — he could go on for a while. 

he quickly slashes the blade across his arm again, this one being a little deeper than usual. he hisses in pain, dropping the blade and leaning heavily against shadow milk. hes done, he decides. 

shadow milk says nothing, pressing the wet cloth he had prepared beforehand to pure vanilla's fucked up arm. it stings like hell, but he knows its necessary if hes not going to use his magic on himself. 

pure vanilla softly pants, suddenly feeling very nauseous. 

"nilly? doing okay?" 

"yes," pure vanilla answers quickly, swallowing. sure, hes doing okay. his headache is slowly slipping into a migraine in the middle of his skull and his arm is going a little numb, but hes doing okay. okay as he ever will be. 

he stands up, feeling shadow milk follow immediately, keeping his arms around pure vanillas waist. 

shadow milk follows pure vanilla to the balcony, and presses his face into the middle of his back as pure vanilla lights a cigarette and lifts it to his lips with a very unsteady hand. 

all things have to come to an end someday. you win, you lose. we all lose in the end. 

pure vanilla wonders once again what itd feel like to splatter against the ground if he were to fall. 

he wonders if shadow milk would join him, suddenly. it makes him feel a little sicker. he wouldnt want shadow milk to crumble, too. although a small, small, selfish part of him wants it. 

his blue bird, his other half, dying with him... its cruel, but at the same time, it gives him a sense of peace he hasnt felt in a long time. 

yes, pure vanilla wants nothing but the best for shadow milk, but he also couldnt imagine continuing to live if shadow milk were to die. he knows he would follow quickly. 

"i love you," pure vanilla murmurs, glancing back at shadow milk. 

he feels shadow milk take a breath — its hot against his skin. 

"i love you too." he finally responds. pure vanilla smiles fondly back at shadow milk. 

you win, you lose. pure vanilla cant remember the last time he ever truly felt like he won anything. 

he takes a shuddering breath, feeling shadow milk's face against his spine. 

how does one even plan their suicide? is there even any planning? does he just go for it? write a note? tell shadow milk hey, im planning on driving my staff as far into my chest as i can reach and killing myself. would you like to join me?

he winces to himself — that was a little too harsh sounding in his head. 

but a small part of him is sure, with utmost intensity, that shadow milk would say yes. 

and that terrifies him even more.

-

it feels like days theyve been in bed together. theyve barely left the room, actually. 

its all a haze. fingers pressed against his souljam, tongue pressed against it, all kisses and breathy giggles. 

it was like having a dream. living a dream. he felt good. he felt amazing, but with the upside of emotions comes the downside of guilt. 

the horrible guilt of allowing himself to feel good. to let somebody else make him feel good, to not have pure vanilla give anything in return. 

maybe thats when the planning started. 

pure vanilla runs his fingers through shadow milk's hair, over and over. its grounding, calming, touching his other half. 

theyve been like this for a while now — tangled up in each other so tightly youd need a crowbar to pry them apart. 

the idea of being apart distresses pure vanilla slightly. an itch in his souljam, a painful one. the one you want to avoid. even just thinking about it makes him feel sick. 

youll need to let him go one day.

thats not quite right. 

he'll need to let you go one day.

that sounds better. because pure vanilla is going to kill himself. 

and pure vanilla prays shadow milk will forgive him. 

what an odd thing to pray for. forgiveness — forgiveness for killing yourself. why should he care? he'll be dead. it wont matter once hes finally at peace. 

worry bites away at him. will pure vanilla ever be at peace? even in death? 

hes at peace with shadow milk, and thats enough for him, even when the guilt and the horrible sense of dread settles back in. 

he'd trade his souljam away for just a few more seconds of peace within shadow milk's arms. he'd trade the world away for more time with shadow milk. 

more time... thats all hes ever wanted, isnt it? 

pure vanilla has never had enough time. 

he never will have enough time. each breath he wastes feels like a ticking clock to his own doom now. 

he really would be better dead. 

here he is, wasting precious time he could be using being useful, being absolutely useless. a puddle in shadow milk's arms. 

but thats contradictory. 

pure vanilla is useful to shadow milk — at least he hopes so. 

a sharp jab of a growing migraine cuts his thoughts in half, scattering them as he lets out a quiet whine of pain and utter misery. 

as if sensing it, shadow milk brings pure vanilla a little closer, squeezing the other tightly for a moment before relaxing again. 

its soothing. 

he wonders, momentarily, if this is all he'll ever be. 

i wouldnt mind, pure vanilla decides. 

he really wouldnt. 

he wonders if shadow milk minds.

-

"nilly," shadow milk drawls. "nilly~." 

"hm?" pure vanilla cant remember when he fell asleep last night, so waking up is quite a surprise to him. 

shadow milk stares at him for a few moments, and its hard to tell if hes thinking or just staring. maybe both, knowing him. 

"i love you." shadow milk grins. it makes pure vanilla smile. witches, hes adorable. 

"i love you too, blue bird." pure vanilla mumbles sleepily, rolling over to press a clumsy kiss to shadow milk's cheek. 

for once, hes experiencing an absence of the usual terrible thoughts that plague him. he feels... fine. good, even. well rested. a little happy. 

it sort of scares him, but he welcomes the absence with open arms — even if he feels a little empty without the familiarity of his misery. 

"youre so pretty," pure vanilla mumbles again, not really thinking about what hes saying. he smiles when shadow milk blushes. 

"i know." shadow milk quickly retorts, huffing. 

pure vanilla wishes his good patches stayed longer.

Chapter Text

pure vanilla is going to kill himself. 

hes decided, today, is his deadline. 

"shadow milk?" pure vanilla suddenly stops during their daily walk, now holding both of his other half's hands. "im thinking of ending things." 

shadow milk looks confused. it hurts. "ending... ending what?" 

"im going to kill myself today, is what i mean." pure vanilla doesnt know how else to say it — it feels far too blunt for his liking, but theres no way to sugarcoat it this time. 

they both stay silent for a good moment, and just as pure vanilla opens his mouth to speak again, shadow milk begins to reply. 

"im coming with you. you... you dont get to leave me alone." 

that hurts even more. 

pure vanilla nods. 

"come on. i want to spend the rest of the day with you." 

they go about their day together, following a strict routine they had unconsciously created. if pure vanilla tries hard enough, hes able to perfectly pretend the end isnt approaching. 

many things to think about, of course. 

he has many things that bring him happiness in life — but so much more horrible things he'd rather escape. 

escape... thats all hes wanted to do, isnt it? 

itd be lovely living for the rest of eternity with shadow milk, yes, but he'd be miserable. the darkness will always creep back in — its become so entwined with his soul its inescapable. 

the only escape is death. 

and, a small part of him is quite honored that shadow milk wants to join him. 

theyll be together still, even after death — even in death. 

how romantic. pure vanilla wishes he couldve married shadow milk. 

he keeps the frown off his face with the thought that seconds that — his friends surely wouldnt approve of it. marrying a beast? theyd think pure vanilla had gone mad. 

his gaze flickers to shadow milk. his handsome shadow milk. his dear blue bird. his other half. he'd give the world to marry him. 

pure vanilla softly sighs, wondering how shadow milk would look in a suit. a dress? knowing shadow milk, maybe a mixture of both. the thought makes him smile to himself, despite the circumstances. 

"lets get married, shadow milk." pure vanilla says. he doesnt know if he means it as a joke or not — shadow milk probably doesnt either. 

apparently, pure vanillas words shocked shadow milk so much hes genuinely speechless for once, which elicits a worried giggle from the other. 

"blue bird?" pure vanilla quietly asks. "im sorry if that off—" 

"of course, you fool..." shadow milk quickly interrupts, turning around so fast it almost gives pure vanilla whiplash. "lets get married. right now. right here." 

"right here?" pure vanilla smiles. he cant help it — looking at shadow milk just does that to him. 

"yes, right here!" shadow milk takes both of pure vanilla's hands in his own, holding them close. 

they say their (very unprepared) vows, and pure vanilla rests his forehead against shadow milk's. 

"till death do us part," he murmurs. 

"nothing will part us." shadow milk corrects pure vanilla, and it gets a giggle out of him. 

"of course, blue bird." 

-

its in the air. 

that sense of impending doom, weighing down on pure vanilla's chest. its a sick feeling, making him feel brittle — heavy. 

he hadnt realized he was crying until shadow milk is wiping away his tears, asking whats wrong. 

that hurts even more. 

through his own shame, he begins to sob, pressing his face into shadow milk's shoulder, shoulders shaking. 

shadow milk quickly offers awkward comfort — even now the other is still bad at it. 

itll be over soon. 

itll be over soon.

he just cries harder. 

the guarantee of it all ending isnt as comforting as it used to be. its scary now. its dreadful. but all the more tempting to pure vanilla — he'll be dead, it wont matter. 

his sobs slowly subside, and through a few sniffles, he finally speaks, voice shaky; "give me a little more time with you. then ill be ready." 

his other half solemnly nods. its the first time pure vanilla has seem him so... sad? vulnerable? 

its uncomfortable. 

he'll make the most of it — of whatever is left. 

once pure vanilla is free from his thoughts, he finds himself being pushed into bed by shadow milk. he doesnt remember traveling back to their shared chambers, but... he cant find it in himself to care. he cant waste the small amount of time he has left, and really, time is going far too fast for his liking. 

shadow milk holds him down, climbing on top of him just to stare for a moment. 

if pure vanilla looks hard enough, hes sure he can see love in those beautiful eyes of shadow milk's. he hopes shadow milk can see the love in his own eyes. 

"hi, blue bird." pure vanilla whispers. shadow milk smiles, leaning down to kiss pure vanillas forehead. usually, pure vanilla is the one kissing foreheads. 

it feels nice. 

"hello, silly vanilly." 

pure vanilla makes a soft squeak as shadow milk puts his full weight down on him, clinging onto him like a blanket. its comfortable, even if the ticking clock of doom is ringing in the back of his mind. 

its nice. its nice.

and of course, pure vanilla clings right back until they become a tangled mess of arms and legs underneath the covers. after a while, it becomes hard to tell who ends where — and maybe they both prefer it like that. 

"youre the best thing to have happened to me, blue bird." pure vanilla knows shadow milk isnt the sappy type, so hes happy to be sappy enough for the both of them. 

"feeling affectionate, are we?" shadow milk squeezes pure vanilla a little closer. does he feel it too? that sense of doom? that sense that time is very quickly running out? 

pure vanilla knows they cant delay it forever. "always. you just bring it out of me." 

he presses a kiss to shadow milk's head, keeping his face close. their heart beats had synced along with their breathing — an amazing feeling, in pure vanilla's humble opinion. 

"how much longer?" shadow milk asks. pure vanilla almost wants to cry. 

"preferably soon." he replies, almost hoarse. "before i change my mind." and prolong my pain further.

he feels shadow milk nod, and sit up, bringing pure vanilla up with him. 

they stare at each other. 

shadow milk. pure vanilla's other half. 

itll be an honor to crumble with you.

he almost says it. 

"...i want to go first." pure vanilla whispers, shaking. he pulls his staff closer, placing it in shadow milk's grasp. "drive it through my souljam, blue bird." 

the imaginary picture pure vanilla's mind has supplied him with is anything short of gruesome — both connected by a bloody staff, pressed together one last time before death. its almost romantic. 

he rests his head on shadow milk's shoulder, not being able to bear the weight of witnessing whats about to happen. he'll feel it — and thats good enough for him. 

pure vanilla feels shadow milk lean forward, their chests connecting. he gently grasps his other half's arms, helping him guide the bottom of the staff right to the middle of pure vanilla's back - exactly where his souljam lies on his chest. 

"i love you, nilly." shadow milk whispers. 

it happens in an instant — pure vanilla barely feels it at first. he really underestimates how physically strong shadow milk is sometimes. 

but he hears it. 

crunch.

he cant tell if its bone or souljam that just shattered, and he barely has time to think before a scalding hot stab of pain hits him. it hits everywhere, and he gasps, twitching as he falls limp against shadow milk. 

crunch.

in seconds, theres another — shadow milk's souljam. 

matching wounds... he almost wouldve preferred matching rings. but this will do, wont it? 

pure vanilla wraps his arms around shadow milk, feeling his blue bird do the same. 

a hot, sticky sensation coats his chest and thighs, and its uncomfortable, although its beginning to become hard to register really anything thats happening. 

when had he been laid down? or had he fallen? hes sure its even more painful now. he didnt even know you could hurt so much it becomes a cold numb. or is it hot? 

he struggles in a shuddering breath, eyes focused solely on his other half. his blue bird. his shadow milk. 

"i love you too, blue bird." he gets the words out without much mistake, but it exhausts him immediately. 

the ticking clock seems to finally toll. hes the first to go, as he wanted. 

shadow milk watches as his other half stops breathing, and he'd scream, if he could muster the strength. how pathetic of him. how sappy of him. 

with shaky hands, he brings pure vanilla's head a little closer, relishing in pure vanilla's warmth one last time. 

he almost wants to laugh. he wouldve been overjoyed at pure vanilla's death months ago. but people always change, and hes sure he changed quite a lot. 

and all good things have to come to an end, right? and pure vanilla was far more than good. he was amazing. 

shadow milk wishes he wouldve told his other half that sooner.

Chapter Text

okay im lowkey going wattpad mode w this (authors note!!!) BUT. but but but.

i will be writing a GOOD ENDING and AFTERLIFE route/au? whatever but itll be in a seperate book/fic than this one because i also have some oneshot like stuff id like to write and post down cuz im really normal about the beasts + pv (especially pv)

so watch out for that :3 and if youd like to be friends because of this god awful fic i havw discord. and i also draw (jack off all trades? well ill try)

spriite_ (my username u can literally ask me for updates on the routes and ill give them to you cuz idgaf)

and i wanna explain the ending to this a little better?

i WOULD HAVE and PLANNED ON writing a happier ending, but i got to thinking, and if i was pure vanilla, i wouldnt want to continue living like that (assuming there were zero therapists and extreme medications to stabilize me around) and with the situation/relationship with smc (same to smc - i wouldnt wanna continue living if i was smc either) so it wouldve been more than cruel to put pv through a situation that didnt end his complete misery

now for the happy ending route, it will be rewritten a little to lessen the load on pv and sm and bring them a little recovery (i like to yap, obviously)

and tbh i want my stuff to be a little longer? or w more words at least because i really felt like im thinking of ending things was too short to do it any justice although lowkey i was going through the torture labyrinth when i was writing it LOL

expect the afterlife au/route to come first, then happy ending, and if i feel like it ill post little one shots of pure vanilla because hes the man of my heart and my muse

thank you for all of the love (and death threats) for im thinking of ending things. it was a joy writing it as always and maybe someday ao3 user almond_water aka sunday will post again