Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jackie sat with her back to the door as she hyperventilated. It started out as such a good week. She and Shauna had gone to a party, the flight was smooth, they were at the top of their game. But the second Shauna was absent from their shared hotel room, Jackie saw a journal sitting right on the nightstand. Shauna obviously had not expected Jackie or anybody for that matter to find it, but Jackie just couldn’t resist. It’s Shauna’s own fault anyways, that AP brain of hers should have known better.

Deciding she needed to be somewhere private in case Shauna returned, she locked herself in the hotel bathroom. The further she read the sicker she felt. Pages and pages of Shauna’s hatred towards the girl she had called her best friend for 13 years, 10 months, and 7 days. Detailed descriptions of her affair with Jeff (well, multiple affairs), her disdain towards Jackie, and the secrets she kept for months on end with no remorse and no urge to tell Jackie. Jackie, who had been planning to go to Rutgers with Shauna by her side, decorating their dorm in pink and green. Did Shauna think Jackie would be angry about this? Tears welled up in Jackie’s eyes as she continued to read. It seemed endless. While Jackie had been rummaging through her mom’s medicine cabinet for valium to soothe Shauna’s fear of heights, Shauna was fucking Jeff. While Jackie slept peacefully in their shared hotel room, Shauna was writing about her like she was a monster. Slamming the journal shut, Jackie crawled towards the toilet and promptly threw up.

After lying on the cool bathroom floor and emptying the contents of her stomach while sobbing, she decided to scan the room. Shauna had not come back, she would have let Jackie know. She tucked the journal into one of the many pockets in her suitcase. Maybe she would want to continue reading, or she would need evidence for other things. The crazy part is, while Jackie was crying over being cheated on, she wasn’t even mad that Jeff had cheated. He had been nagging her for ages to take the next step with him, so it wasn’t exactly unexpected. No, she was hurt by the fact that it was Shauna who had initiated it with him. Shauna had sex with someone and did not tell Jackie. She never felt bad about it, judging on her entries. It seemed to be easy keeping such huge secrets from Jackie. She felt betrayed that Shauna would do such a thing. But it wasn’t Jeff that upset her at all. She felt jealousy pool in her stomach. She didn’t want to have sex with Jeff, but clearly her best friend did. God, what the hell? On so many levels she was wrong for this. But Jackie knew another feeling was brewing in her gut.

A knock on the door snapped Jackie out of her thoughts. Taissa’s voice echoed in

“Hey Jackie, everyone’s downstairs eating dinner before the game tomorrow. Shipman misses you, stop stressing and come hangout.”

“Yeah yeah, I’ll be down in a second Tai.”

"aye aye captain!” came Van’s voice.

When she heard footsteps retreating, she sighed to herself. Throwing on a sweater and tennis shoes, (ignoring Shauna’s clothes that she would usually steal sitting in the corner of the room), she headed down to the lobby.

_______

Exiting the elevator and putting on her best fake captain smile, Jackie went to join her team. A chorus of hello’s and where have you been’s echoed around her, but everything in her brain shut off as soon as she saw Shauna. Deep brown eyes met a bright hazel and everything was over for her. Shauna smiled warmly and patted the spot next to her on the booth. Hesitantly, Jackie took her normal seat next to Shauna.

“Is something wrong?” Shauna’s brow furrowed. Shit. For so much reading she saw Shauna doing, it had completely slipped Jackie’s mind how well the other girl could see through her. But no need to worry, Jackie has been able to keep up a facade for her entire life so far. What could be so difficult about this?

“No, why?” she squeaked out. Real smooth, Taylor. “Whatever you say, Jax. Make sure you eat, we have a big game tomorrow and our Captain can’t be tired.” Shauna responded. Aware, yet oblivious to the way Jackie was acting. Why wasn’t she pushing harder? Shauna was so good at acting. Better than Jackie to an extent. But Jackie was no fool, not anymore. That journal revealed everything Shauna thought behind those broody eyes.

“Hey cap…you’re kinda staring into space over there.” Nat’s gravelly voice jived at her. Snapping to attention, Jackie noticed every other Yellowjacket staring at her across the table. Looking down, she noticed a plate of food in front of her. She can’t eat right now! She just threw up, she has so much to think about! Worried glances were exchanged throughout the team. The silence was deafening.

“Oh! Sorry, just thinking about the game tomorrow! We better bring some fire to that field!” Words spewed out of Jackie’s mouth. She would definitely be bringing some fire. At this point, the entire team knew most of her ‘captain’ role was a fake. But nobody would ever confront her. But as she looked to her side, she knew Shauna was catching onto something. The girl was looking at her with the concern of a worried father, trying to decipher her closest friend. It would all be fine though, Jackie would keep her secret and when Shauna left her to go to Brown she would never look back. How hard could that be? As long as she never met those eyes.

The team buzzed around her, paying no attention to her weird responses. She and Shauna were always trapped in each other’s orbit. It was nothing new to them. All Jackie could hear when she saw Shauna out of the corner of her eye were the words she read on those pages.

“She thinks she’s so much better than me. Like I’m a dog on a leash that she leads around to make her feel better about herself. I’m so sick of it. She’ll always look better next to me and she knows it.”

Van tapped a spoon against their cheap hotel glass of water and cleared their throat. “Attention ladies, I would like to propose a toast. No matter what happens tomorrow, we should be ecstatic that we’re even here to begin with. Also, we should all thank our AMAZING goalkeeper for multiple shutouts and crazy saves. I would say they’re the only reason we’re here.” Mari rolled her eyes and Shauna smirked up at Van. Tai gave them a quick jab to their side. “Oh, also Tai and Jackie’s decent goals. Those were important too. Anyways, get hyped girls!” Applause and cheers echoed from around the table. They knew they were getting stares from other hotel-goers, but it didn’t matter. Misty started the chant. “Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!” and one by one, the girls joined her. Jackie contributed, as light-hearted as she could muster. When Shauna’s strong arms wrapped around her waist and she smelled the cinnamon perfume and tropical shampoo radiating off the girl, she realized just how hard it would be for her.

_______

Returning to their room together, Jackie knew the tension was thick between her and Shauna. She wasn’t doing a good job at talking to her normally. There was too much going on inside her head, she could barely hear the real world. As soon as the door closed behind them Shauna was staring deep into Jackie’s soul.

“Okay spill. What’s wrong.” she demanded, eyes burning into Jackie. “Nothing, Shipman. I’m just tired from the flight and stuff. That’s all.” Jackie faked an exasperated tone. “Whatever you say Jax.” Shauna sighed. “You just seem a little out of it, that’s all. You’d let me know if I did something, right?” Well, obviously you wouldn’t tell me if I was doing something wrong. Why would I? Jackie seethed. Shauna was fidgeting with the sleeves of her red flannel, Jackie’s favorite flannel. “Of course, Shaun. It’s never you.” Jackie faked a smile. She knew Shauna could see right through it, but also that she wouldn’t push any further. “Alright. I’m gonna shower first if that’s okay. I’m also pretty tired even after that long nap on the plane. I shouldn’t be too long.” She grabbed a change of clothes and a towel and headed off to the bathroom. The bathroom where, a few hours ago, her best friend had been having a crisis in. But she didn’t need to know that.

Jackie let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding and sat down on their bed. It creaked under her weight. She hadn’t really eaten anything, just faked it well enough for people to stop pestering. Shauna had most likely realized, but knew she couldn’t do much. “Hey Jax? There’s a bag of those chips you like in my suitcase. I know you didn’t eat at dinner. Drink some of my water too, there’s also an apple.” Shauna’s voice came from the bathroom. Fuck. That’s so unfair. Jackie thought. The other girl knew her far too well. Unable to resist, she stood up and grabbed the food and water. After finishing her snack, Shauna was still in the shower. Not long? It’s been half an hour. Jackie grumbled to herself. Whatever though, she would just go to sleep and focus on soccer. It was too late to go out and practice, so she just curled up under the sheets and watched whatever crappy show was on. Some weird softporn show appeared on the hotel tv. She made a disgusted face and turned it off along with the lights. No longer hearing the shower, she knew it was only a matter of time until her fake best friend exited the bathroom. Doesn’t matter. She tossed and turned but eventually the real exhaustion from the discovery that day knocked Jackie out.

Though, she swore she felt a warm breath brush her forehead as she drifted off to sleep. 

Chapter Text

Jackie had been acting weird since yesterday at dinner. Something was so obviously wrong but she refused to budge. Shauna decided to not worry too much. Jackie couldn’t go very long without telling her something. Whether it was the fact that Jeff tried to make her have sex with him in his car after school, or her parents had made some bullshit comment on her weight, Jackie always told Shauna. But this time was different. The things that affected Jackie never affected her performance on the field. While she wasn’t their best player by any means, she was still highly crucial to their success. She wouldn’t pass to Shauna, she seemed unfocused, she wouldn’t communicate to anybody. Jackie was trapped in her own mind and it was tearing their team apart. It came to a point where the ball was passed to her and she seemed to freeze in place as an opposing defender swooped in to intercept. Coach Martinez threw his clipboard to the ground and buried his face in his hands on the bench. 

The whistle blew for half time and the team trudged into the locker room. After such a successful season and beginning to nationals, being down 4-0 in the first half  of their semifinals game was a huge blow to their confidence. Mari glared daggers at Jackie, Misty bit her nails while nervously glancing at Coach Martinez, (who seemed to be blowing steam out of his ears), Tai and Van exchanged tired glances, and Shauna just…stared. Nothing has ever bothered Jackie this much. Not even when Randy Walsh stole her pink notebook in seventh grade and accidentally dropped it in a puddle outside the school. That notebook had games of M.A.S.H, stories she and Shauna had come up with, and so many other things they had created together. Jackie had immediately started sobbing and that was the first time Shauna punched someone for her best friend. Nobody could do something like that to her Jackie. 

“I don’t even know what to say.” Coach Martinez finally began. “Jackie, whatever’s nagging you, you need to get it figured the hell out. You are our captain and if you won’t talk on the field and lead your team EVERYONE is getting hurt. Whatever drama is going on doesn’t matter more than this game, the ball, the field, right now.” The longer he spoke the redder his face grew. Jackie stared blankly at the ground between her cleats and bared the weight of everyone’s eyes. Shauna knew Jackie had always wanted to be captain, and she was a damn good one. But that didn’t mean that all the pressure and stress didn’t affect her. And right now, observing the girl, it seems worse than ever. 

“I’m sorry guys. I’ll focus more.” Jackie responded weakly. 

“Can I go to the bathroom?” Her voice broke. 

“Whatever helps you lock the hell in for the second half.” Coach growled. 

Shauna followed as Jackie stalked off, not caring that she heard Tai, Van, and Coach begin to discuss what they needed to do. 

“Jackie,” She called. Jackie continued down the hall. 

“Jackie!!” Louder, this time. 

“What?!”. Jackie whipped around, tears threatening to break through her eyes. 

“What the hell is wrong? You’ve been acting so weird since last night and you always tell me! How bad is this that you feel you can’t talk to me? You won’t even pass me the ball! I know it has to be related to me. Please, Jax.” Shauna shut the door behind them. 

“It’s nothing, Shipman. Let it go. I’m just tired.” Jackie said quietly. Shauna sighed in exasperation. What the fuck is up with her right now?

“I can’t let it go, I’ve been asking since yesterday and giving you time. You don’t have to tell me now, but at least before we bomb this game and end up going home earlier than we expected.” Finally looking at the dirty blonde, she noticed Jackie was leaning on the sink, breathing heavily. She turned to face Shauna. 

“It’s nothing, let it go.” And Shauna knew the conversation was over. She approached Jackie at the sink. Jackie backed up and her hips hit the lip of the sink, trapping her. Their breaths began to mingle and Shauna never broke eye contact. God, those eyes. Jackie’s bleary hazel eyes were looking everywhere but Shauna’s earthy brown ones. Shauna gave up, and simply wrapped her arms around the smaller girl, allowing herself to breathe in the scent of sweat, grass, and sweet strawberry of her best friend. 

“I love you, Jax. Whatever’s wrong, I will help you with. That’s what best friends are for.” Shauna whispered to her ear. Jackie just nodded. They broke apart and silently walked back to the field. 

Shauna never stopped looking at her friend, wishing she would say the response and mean it the way she wished. Jackie didn’t spare her a second glance. 

_______

“That’s what best friends are for.” Well, obviously best friends are for fucking each other’s boyfriends and lying to their faces about everything they’ve known for 13 years. Jackie took a deep breath before returning to the field. That interaction had only worsened the feeling. She decided to turn the hurt into anger and take it out on the field. Show them all she wasn’t a priss. The whistle sounded and Jackie was gone. Immediately pressing the girl after kickoff. Looking at the girl she was defending, she made eye contact with dark brown eyes. Jackie saw red. She didn’t hear the whistle, her teammates yelling, her coach yelling, misty screaming for a medic. What she did hear were Shauna’s pleas for her to stop. It only fueled her further. 

She felt muscular arms rip her from her trance and she finally came to. The girl beneath her was battered, nose bleeding, bruised lip, black eye. Good, she wouldn’t have to see those anymore. But she also wouldn’t be seeing the field for much longer. Her hands shook, knuckles covered in blood. When she was done staring at her damage, she noticed the referee looking fearfully down at her while Shauna held her grasp, the red card hanging from his fingers. Finally realizing where she was sitting, Jackie twisted from Shauna’s arms and stormed off the field. She grabbed her bag and ignored everyone yelling at her. Coach Martinez sounded furious and Misty sounded worried. 

“Jackie, please let me take a look at your hands! I’m worried you could have broken a knuckle or sprained your wrist or-” Misty trailed behind her

“Fuck off, Misty.”

And Misty did exactly that. She shut her mouth and fucked off. Jackie getting angry or frustrated wasn’t exactly an anomaly. Everyone did sometimes. But this reaction from her was completely new to herself and everyone else. The further she got from the field the more she realized the aching in her hands. How the hell had she managed to beat that girl so badly with her scrawny little arms? That was Shauna’s thing. 

Oh, right

Shauna. 

She was the problem. If she hadn’t left that stupid journal out Jackie would still be oblivious and maybe they would have done better. Maybe Jackie would have played better. Maybe she would never have felt so destroyed. 

Jackie reached the locker room and threw her bag to the ground. Her entire body was trembling and she stared blankly at the concrete floor. So much had been on her mind for the past two days, but now all she heard was silence. No thoughts in her head. She listened towards the door, expecting Coach, or Shauna maybe to come in. But nobody came. Maybe they were afraid of her now. Amazing, because she had felt like a joke her entire life. She kicked her bag, the lockers, and the wall. She kicked until she couldn’t feel her feet, then she ripped her cleats off. The shin guards followed soon after, and she ripped the pre-wrap and ponytail out of her hair. Stripped of things that made her feel decent, the same way she was stripped of any solid belief she had about her friendship. 

The anger coursing through her veins turned an icy blue as she began to choke back her sobs. It’s just the pain, she wanted to believe. But she knew it wasn’t. She fell to the floor in a heap. How could Shauna act so caring when she was writing those awful things behind Jackie’s back? Somewhere anybody could find them? Another entry flashed through her head, it was so recent. 

“God I hate her eyes. And her stupid smile when she looks at Jeff. I can’t stand them. I hate him with all my being. He’s so fucking disgusting but she refuses to see it. She’s too busy acting ditzy to get his attention. Why would she do anything else? This is what she wants to be. Fake to everyone but me. Even though she’s only sort of real with me in private. Those sleepovers where we break the rules of friendship and–”

Jackie hit herself in the head. No, no. They had never done anything wrong. They had been friends almost their entire lives. Friends don’t lie. Friends don’t lie about their feelings for each other. Jackie found comfort and love in Shauna, but Shauna used that. She abused it, and wrote about how she abused it in that stupid journal. 

Jackie heard the buzzer from inside and knew it was over. She knew there was no way they could have won. She pulled her phone and headphones out of her bag, started an angsty playlist, and trudged to the bus, ignoring everybody. She sat alone in the back and stared out the window in silence. 

______

What the fuck? What the fuck just happened? One second the whistle had blown, and the next Jackie was punching the life out of some random midfielder from the other team. It took Shauna a second to snap into reality and grab the smaller girl, but it was far too late. This was so out of character for her. This was supposed to be Shauna’s thing, beating people up for fouling Jackie or something else. Jackie didn’t do these things. Everyone was silent after the card. 

“What the hell is up with you?” she whispered softly into the blonde’s ear. She didn’t respond. Jackie’s expression was cold. She wrestled her way out of Shauna’s arms, and walked straight through everybody off the field. This was fucking weird. This was not Jackie. Shauna couldn’t fathom anything making Jackie act this way. The midfielder was simply torn apart, which was insane given Jackie weighed a solid 120 pounds and had arms about the width of Shauna’s ankle. Shauna watched her friend storm to the locker rooms and wished she had kissed her forehead for real that night. 

They lost, as expected. Pretty badly but no mercy rule loss. The ride back was silent. Everyone sat on their own and even Coach Martinez had his head in his hands. They would be going home tomorrow, but they still had the entire day ahead of them. The game ended at 11:30 AM. Jackie sat in the back, expressionless as Shauna watched her. Shauna would study her like a poem. How even when she felt her worst, Jackie still seemed ethereal. Her huge, almost green hazel eyes. Her small perfect nose. It almost made Shauna sick. If Jackie knew Shauna looked at her like this, she would definitely have a reason to hate her. It was disgusting. Those thoughts were for her journal only. 

Oh shit. 

When was the last time she saw that?

As soon as the bus pulled into the hotel parking lot Shauna ran to the elevator. She didn’t wait for Jackie, it would be no use trying to talk to her in this state. She fumbled with the room key and slammed the door open so hard it dented the wall. She scoured everywhere. The bathroom, her suitcase, the night stand-

The night stand. 

The fucking shared night stand. 

Because of COURSE, they only had one bed. There was no chance Jackie hadn’t found it. Any normal person would read a private journal, but Shauna couldn’t help feeling the drop in her chest. Jackie probably threw it away or something. God, Shauna hopes she threw it away out of anger. As real as those feelings felt in the moment, all she cared about was that Jackie hopefully hadn’t seen her earlier entries just days before their departure for nationals. Where Shauna described her expertly carved features and all she wanted to do to them. How she wanted to worship them and how she could be so much better than Jeff. She didn’t even care that Jackie knew now about Jeff and Brown and that stuff. Jackie thinks Shauna hates her, and maybe Jackie knows Shauna feels too much for her. 

The world better be fucking with me. Shauna stared at the door as she heard footsteps approaching. 

Chapter Text

Jackie was completely on autopilot. She couldn’t think. She never once removed her headphones after the bus ride, she just went and sat on a couch in the lobby and stared into space. There was no way she could return to that room with one bed and one traitorous best friend. She studied her knuckles, bruised and bloodied from her prior anger trip. 

“Geez, Taylor.” Nat’s voice broke her silence as she ripped the headphones off Jackie’s head. “What is going on with you? I don’t need to be Shipman to see your weird ass behavior.” Jackie glared up at her. Why the fuck did she care all of a sudden? She and Nat had never been particularly close. But at a party once when Shauna was sick and Brayden Graham wouldn’t leave her alone, Natalie had gotten him to fuck off. Jackie had some respect for her, but this felt like crossing a line. She was already on edge. Misty trailed behind Nat anxiously holding a first aid kit. Jackie sighed angrily and let her take a look. 

“I’ll grab you some ice but let me wrap your hands first. They’re pretty banged up.” Misty said with the precision and calmness of an experienced nurse. Jackie didn’t flinch when she touched the wounds. Was this how Shauna felt after beating up Randy that one time in seventh grade? Or maybe another time at one of the many parties Jackie dragged her to (well, in Shauna’s mind, forced her to go to), where Shauna had gotten too wasted and hit some random highschool student for saying literally anything about Jackie. Her hands hurt, but the seething in her head quieted the pain in her bones. She knew it was only a matter of time before she got interrogated by the rest of the team. Nat examined her with a worried expression on her face and fidgeting hands. 

________

Tai and Van sat a few tables away from the scene. 

“We need to step in, Van. This shit can’t be happening not only because of nationals but graduation.” Tai whispered, concern lacing her features. 

“I know Tai but if she can’t get to Jackie who could? You might be able to ask Shauna but Jackie won’t do anything but explode.” Van retorted. 

Tai’s brows furrowed, deep in thought. She cared about Shauna, but she seemed just as lost as anyone else. 

“You go help Nat with Jackie. I’ll find Shauna.” She finally decided. 

Tai and Van exchanged worried looks. Grabbing her hand for support, Tai gave Van a reassured expression. They parted in opposite ways. The taller girl made her way to Jackie and Shauna’s hotel room. Knowing Shauna would be alone, she didn’t have to worry about her focus being taken by Jackie. She and Van had both discussed their interpretation of the two’s relationship. They weren’t people to speculate or assume, but there was something underlying the deep platonic connection they had. Something so much more than that, deep and dangerous for them. Tai knew comments Jackie had made in the past, but she also knew how Jackie’s parents were. Even if they both came to terms with themselves, nothing would come of it until they both got over themselves. The only people who couldn’t see the reciprocated feelings were themselves. Tai took a deep breath and knocked on the thick door. 

“Hey, Shauna. It’s Tai. Can we talk?” She said, hesitantly. 

Shauna opened the door looking like an anxious wreck. Her nails were bitten raw and bloody, her hair was a mess, and her eyes were nervously flitting around. It was a sad sight to witness. Both of them looked so distraught without each other. 

“Come in.” Shauna said weakly. Tai stepped into the room and took in the sight before her. The room torn apart, clothes and books askew. She looked at Shauna once and saw the avoidance of eye contact. She sighed and opened her arms. Shauna leaned into her but did not wrap her arms around the taller girl. 

“What’s up with you and Jackie? That game was so weird. You guys are never apart.” Tai finally began. 

“Well, Tai, I wish I could give you a concrete answer but I only have one theory right now,” Shauna replied shakily. “I think I left my journal out and she read it.”

“What could you have possibly written in there that would make her react this badly?”

Shauna broke. Her lip quivered and tears began to run down her face. Taissa broke away from her and walked her over to the bed, handing her a water bottle. 

“I fucked Jeff,”

Tai choked on her own breath. 

“You WHAT??” she exclaimed. 

“And I wrote about like, how I was jealous of her or I guess hated her. But I don’t hate her, Tai. She’s my world.” Shauna choked out between sobs

“Anyone with eyes could see that.”

She knew there was more Shauna wouldn’t tell her. She wasn’t going to push the other girl, but she made note to ask about it at some point in the future. Shauna bawled into her sweatshirt- sorry, Jackie’s sweatshirt. There were mascara and tear stains all over the sleeves. Tai had no idea how long she had worn it. 

As if called up by Satan himself, Tai heard stomping and the door swung open. A very frazzled looking Jackie Taylor barged in with Nat and Van rushing in behind her looking defeated. Fuck. This is about to get ugly. 

______

For a moment, Jackie faltered. Shauna was clearly in distress. But no matter what, it was her own fault. As quiet as Shauna was, Jackie knew her. At least she thought she did. Shauna was self destructive in every way. Probably result of her sort of fucked up childhood. But this wasn’t intentional. She had simply overlooked the fact that she left a journal with her darkest thoughts sitting out where Jackie would find it. Maybe it was on purpose. Maybe Shauna did hate her and wanted her to find out this way, so she could leave without a second thought, like a ghost. 

“Jackie..?” Shauna’s voice came weakly, ripping her out of her thoughts. “Do you know where my-” she hesitated. “-my journal is?”. 

Now, Jackie was no idiot when it came to Shauna. It was clear that she had caught onto Jackie’s anger. But she didn't know how much Jackie had read before she felt too sick. (Not very much). It didn’t matter. Jackie knew all she needed to know about Brown and Jeff and how much Shauna hated her guts. She tried to ignore the scent of Shauna’s perfume assaulting her senses and instead focused on the brunette’s shaking form. Jackie smirked. How could she be playing the victim right now?

“I threw it out.” She said with an eerie smile. “Of course I wouldn’t read it. That would be such an invasion of your privacy.” She faked innocence, putting her hand on her chest. “Oh, but I would have found out anyway. You would have left me for Brown or Jeff in a few weeks without a word, right? Since you hate me with everything in your body.” She could practically hear Shauna’s heart drop to her stomach. Teary brown eyes widening in fear. Jackie knew she had won, but it was very short-lived. The more she looked at the girl, the less she believed she knew her. That ink on the pages was what she really meant. 

“I wish I had her stupid charming smile. The smile that could melt entire icebergs of anger in a second. I hate when that smile is aimed at anybody but me. That smile is just for me. Those eyes are just for me. It isn’t fucking fair.”

Jackie’s blood boiled. A small whimper from Shauna brought her back to reality. 

“Are you gonna fucking respond, Shauna? You seemed to have so much to say about me in there.” Jackie spat, words laced with poison. 

“Jackie I didn’t mean it-”

“Don’t try to fucking lie to me anymore, Shipman. I’m not stupid. But you obviously think I am.” Jackie bit back, not caring if Shauna flinched. She deserved it. 

“Jax I’m so sorry I’m so fucking sorry please-” Shauna begged through tears and choked sobs. 

“Fuck off, Shipman. You weren’t sorry while you fucked Jeff or thought about leaving for Brown while I told you every single day my plans for our dorm rooms. You could have just… told me.” Shit. She hadn’t meant to get vulnerable. It was those damn eyes. 

“And how ugly you thought I was. How badly you wanted to be me and tear me apart. I got there too.” Something flipped in Shauna. 

“Jackie it was never like that please just listen-”

“No, you don’t get to twist your own words Shauna! You wrote what you fucking felt. Drunk words are sober thoughts or whatever.”

“Hey Jax, maybe we could have this conversation after we get home-” Nat tried to cut in.

“NO! We are talking right fucking here.”

“You have to let me speak, Jackie.” Shauna snarked back. There she was.

“Okay, Shipman. Talk.”

Chapter Text

Shauna took a deep, shaky breath. 

“Jackie I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t hate you. You have to believe me. I was just- frustrated.” she began

“Frustrated that everyone’s attention was always on you first and-”

“Oh sure, Shauna. Keep lying. Did you love him?” Jackie snarled. 

“What?? Of course not Jax I never-”

“But you like him, right?”

“No Jackie, no I hate him, you know that, please listen to me-”

“Obviously I don't know anything about you, Shauna. You liked him enough to fuck him. Or maybe you just hated me enough to fuck him. Are you happy Shauna? You’re so fucking jealous of me you can’t even breathe.” Shauna’s breath hitched. Is she fucking serious? She knew she had written some….not great things. But if Jackie had any idea of who she was whatsoever she would know how Shauna really felt. Wait. Actually she probably didn’t. Shauna hoped she didn’t. 

“Are you fucking quoting Beaches at me right now? Jesus christ.” Shauna laughed out, switching moods immediately. If Jackie wanted to argue, she would get an argument. It was funny how easy it was for Shauna to go from a kicked puppy to a feral wolf but Jackie’s idea of being “intimidating” was looking like a rabbit with its arms up trying to look bigger. 

“What? N-no..” Jackie faltered. 

“Jackie, stop acting like you ever cared about Jeff or even about me for that matter. You just liked dragging me around like your little fucking doll. You decide what I wear, who I hook up with, literally my entire life. I fucking hate soccer! Did you ever know that?” Shauna threw her arms out, tone growing angrier. Jackie shrunk in on herself. 

“Oh, is the little sidekick mad? Did I force you to live in my shadow, Shauna? Did you only fuck him because you wish you were me-”

“Holy shit!” Shauna threw her hand across her eyes. 

“You really think that? You’re so fucking self centered, Jackie. God forbid I wanted to have something for myself. Something over you. You have everything you could ask for, including a best friend to drag around on a fucking leash. Why would I go to Rutgers? I didn’t even contribute to picking out the colors because you never listened to me when I tried. I wrote in that fucking journal because I couldn’t tell you anything.” Now Shauna was really adding in some lies. She trusted Jackie with everything. Just something about her made Shauna so angry. She needed Jackie all to herself. She would never mention how she only came with Jeff because she smelled Jackie’s perfume and lip gloss on his neck and the collar of his shirt. That didn’t matter anyways, and it wouldn’t go down well. 

“I don’t even know you anymore, Shauna.” Jackie’s voice cracked and broke away as she made herself smaller. Shauna finally remembered that other people were in the room with them while they had their screaming match.

“I wouldn’t have even been mad at you about Brown. I’m just…hurt that you felt you had to hide it from me.” She admitted. Was she trying to make Shauna feel worse? 

“You never knew me as well as you thought, Jackie.” Shauna said simply. Jackie broke. 

“Get out. Get out, get out!!” She screamed. 

“No.” Shauna replied smugly. 

“Nobody but me will know that you peaked in highschool. All you are is insecure and boring. Accept it.” She stabbed straight through the dirty blonde’s ego and heart

“I can’t even fucking look at you, Shauna.”

“Then don’t.”

Jackie glared at her with tears streaming down her red cheeks. After a few seconds, she stomped over to her suitcase, throwing all her belongings in it. She dragged it behind her out of the room. Nat and Van stood in the middle, stunned. But they too followed quickly. 

“Shauna-”

“Just fucking get out, Tai.”

Tai nodded silently and did exactly that. When everyone was gone and Shauna was left with just herself and her clothes, she dropped to her knees. She thought she could be emotionless about this, but as sobs wracked her body, she knew it was a futile idea. She curled in on herself in the sheets that still had Jackie’s faint vanilla scent, and the mascara stained sweatshirt that had once belonged to the other girl. Shauna drifted off with quiet sniffles, wishing she had the warmth of a familiar body to hold. 

_______

Soft knocks echoed through the dark room. It was late now, 11 pm. They needed to be up early to catch the plane home. Shauna didn’t care. She hauled herself up and shuffled towards the door, eyeing through the peephole to see a nervous looking, completely packed up Taissa fiddling with her thumbs. Shauna cracked the door and returned to her bed as Tai hesitantly walked in. 

“I’m gonna take a brave guess and say you don’t wanna talk about it.” Tai stated. Shauna nodded her head sadly. 

“But I’m gonna say one thing. What you and Jackie have is so special. What you did was fucked up, but you two are meant to be glued together. You can apologize and she’d be right back in your arms in a second and you know it. It’s hurting you both.” She said simply. Shauna sat up and stared at her with sad eyes. 

“I love her, Tai.” She said, her voice cracking and tears spilling out of her eyes. 

“Anybody with eyes could see that.” Tai said as she slowly approached the girl. 

“No like- I love her but I can’t because it's not normal it’s…. it's not okay and she would be so disgusted with me.” Shauna said through rib-aching sobs. Taissa gave her a sad, knowing smile. 

“You can’t control that. I know what she’s like, Shauna, but the only people who can’t see what you two feel for each other are yourselves.”

“Please don’t tell anyone.” Shauna whispered feebly. 

“I wouldn’t. I care about you, Shauna.” Tai brought her arms around the shorter girl. “Where do you want me to sleep? I switched with Jackie.” 

Shauna hesitated, thinking intently. She slowly looked up to meet Tai’s gaze. 

“You can sleep in the bed with me. I won’t make it weird I promise.” She said softly. 

What Tai didn’t know was that Shauna was lying on what was typically Jackie’s side of the bed, in Jackie’s sweatshirt, with Jackie’s shorts on, hugging one of Jackie’s sleep shirts to her chest. 

Taissa settled into bed beside Shauna. 

“Goodnight, Shauna.”

“‘Night.” Shauna replied dryly. 

But Shauna wasn’t going to sleep much. Or at all, for that matter. She couldn’t. Clutching Jackie’s shirt to her chest, she realized one thing. Jackie hadn’t seemed to read or understand the pages and pages of Shauna’s feelings masked in words of hatred and jealousy. It had always been that way, although it had taken Shauna an embarrassing amount of time to decipher what she really felt. As long as she’d known Jackie, she’d known that something in their relationship wasn’t…..typical. Something she felt for her best friend wasn’t exactly normal. It felt ugly hidden away in her chest and the deepest parts of her. She knew Jackie wouldn’t respond kindly to it. The way she felt led on and almost used by the girl. The feelings combined with guilt and shame created a disgusting monster that Shauna expressed by her paragraphs and essays in that stupid journal. She forgot that Jackie couldn’t read her mind, and she exhaled a small breath of temporary relief that the other girl would not be aware of that among other things she had confessed to in that journal. Shauna didn’t care if Jackie knew she had sex with Jeff, or if she knew that Shauna had lied about Rutgers. As long as she didn’t know her childhood best friend possibly saw her as more than a deep platonic relationship, Shauna didn’t give a fuck what Jackie had read. 

Then again, it wasn’t like Shauna didn’t have any of her own suspicions. And they were all backed up with a lot of evidence she had witnessed over years of friendship with Jackie Taylor. Locked in the backs of both of their minds were the many, many sleepovers and parties where one of them had gotten too bold or high or drunk and gotten a little too close to the other. Sometimes, one of them would be completely sober. But the same thing would happen every time. Jackie would pretend to forget about it come morning, stating she was “Sooo drunk” or “Too hungover” that she couldn’t remember a single event from the night prior.  Or, during the sober times, she would even say during the occurrence that it “didn’t count” because they were both girls and best friends just did this stuff sometimes. Shauna never argued against Jackie’s statements as much as she wanted it to mean something, anything. The avoidance of eye contact or admission afterwards, the faintly gasped Shipman’s or Jax-’s in the darkest times of the night. Forbidden contact that would never see the light of day even in spoken form. Nobody could ever know, and the two wouldn’t dare discuss it ever. It had been happening for years. Before highschool even. They had been each other’s first kiss, but Jackie would never say that out loud. Sure, they would kiss in front of people when playing spin the bottle (and get jealous when the other kissed someone else), but that wasn’t… as serious. They were just pecks unless Jackie felt the need to turn some boy on and give Shauna a little bit longer to bask in it. It was as if Jackie knew she could keep Shauna this way. By leading her on and giving her hope that it could have meaning. Shauna suspected that her feelings for Jackie had manifested long before she had truly realized it in sophmore year, and she still hadn’t accepted it at the ripe age of 17. She couldn’t, because then it would be real, and the control Jackie had over her would be real. The strings tied to her limbs connected to Jackie’s slender fingers would manifest even stronger. 

A loud strike of thunder jolted Shauna from her spiraling thoughts of the dirty blonde girl. All she hoped for in the future was that she would be able to meet those hazel eyes some day and finally stand up for herself. Maybe even tell her the truth without any fear. 

Nah, that’s a stupid idea. 

So, Shauna just curled in on herself and took a deep breath of the shirt clutched in her palms. The faint smell of Jackie’s vanilla perfume invaded her mind and nose as she spaced out. 

______

They packed in silence. Shauna assumed Jackie was doing the same with Van, maybe even Nat. Two more people on the opposing side. At least the season was over for them, so the team wouldn’t really be ripped apart on the field, just in social terms. 

Shauna packed Jackie’s clothes deep under her own flannels. She pulled on a pair of jean shorts and her own red flannel, Jackie’s favorite of her collection. Making sure she knew she had everything and knew where everything was, she and Tai exited the room. They walked to the elevator. Taissa kept giving nervous glances in Shauna’s direction. 

“Tai, I’ll be fine. I just need to find someone to sit with on the plane.”

“No, I know. I was just wondering about like..” Tai hesitated. 

“Jackie told Van you don’t do good with flying. I was wondering what we could do about that.” She said timidly, fidgeting with her necklace. 

Shauna drew in a sharp breath. Did Jackie care that much for her? Would she risk helping Shauna despite all that had just happened?

“Um, I think I’ll be fine, Tai.” She finally said. 

The elevator dinged as they reached the lobby. Of course, they were the first of their team to be ready. Coach Scott, Coach Martinez, Travis, Javi, and Misty all sat on a couch, obviously tired from the early morning and the long weekend they had just had. Well, all except for Misty, who just seemed to be ecstatic sitting next to Coach Scott. They made their way to the little corner shop in the lobby. Shauna just got a crappy Frappe, one that came in the weirdly shaped glass bottles, and some candy. Without realizing, she had bought Jackie’s favorite candy. Fuck. 

Lottie and Nat were the next to arrive, Lottie was hauling a massive pink suitcase and a huge fuzzy pink neck pillow was wrapped around her neck. Nat looked completely burned out as she shot Shauna a look she couldn’t decipher. Lottie bounded towards Tai and Shauna like a majestic looking doe, weirdly energized for the time of day it was. 

“Hi guys! Can I sit with you on the plane? Nat is sitting with Van and Jackie.” She asked politely. 

Shauna had always liked Lottie. She was always honest and unintentionally hilarious. 

“What about Laura Lee?” Tai interjected. 

“Oh, she’s sitting with Mari and Akilah. She already told me.” an indescribable emotion took over Lottie’s dark features. 

“Yeah, of course Lot.” Shauna finished the conversation. 

Jackie and Van entered the lobby with the majority of the team. Jackie didn’t spare Shauna one look, she looked entirely fine. But Shauna wasn’t dumb, Jackie’s facade couldn’t work on her as well. She saw where Jackie had applied makeup to hide her feelings. Something she learned from living with Marilyn Taylor all her life. 

This was going to be one long ass flight. 

Chapter Text

Shauna was silent the entire bus ride. She knew it was noticeable but it wasn’t just her. The entire team was weighed down by the weird tension from the front of the bus (Jackie) all the way to the very back (Shauna). They had a weird effect on everyone when they were fighting, but by this point most everyone was used to it. 

This time, obviously, was different. 

News of exactly what their argument was about and how it went down had most of the team shooting Shauna dirty glances. She knew it was stupid, most of them usually disliked Jackie for her nature as captain and her overall…demeanor. But teenage girls had a habit of switching at the drop of a pin especially when someone had been cheated on. Though, if they thought Jackie and Shauna were together or Jackie and Jeff was unclear. Shauna heard the whispers. They both did. But they never addressed it together. Shauna assumed Jackie knew that their relationship wasn’t typical the way she did. But she’d never really know because Jackie simply acted like it wasn’t really happening. She always seemed focused on other things, things happening in her own mind. Jackie was never truly focused on what was happening in the present. She loved to live in the past. Until it came to soccer, a completely different story. 

Shauna just stared out the window and sighed. She and Jackie were “coping” the same way, drowning everything out with music. Shauna got Jackie into so much good music but she had no clue what Jackie would listen to in a situation like this. She was a diehard top 40 girl at heart. Shauna, on the other hand, cranked Radiohead and Phoebe Bridgers as loud as her crappy headphones could handle. Maybe Jackie was just blasting Sabrina Carpenter or something. (This would not be the case. Shauna knew Jackie preferred Chappell Roan and Taylor Swift over everything else.)

As much as Shauna wanted to blame the other girl, she couldn’t. She could play the victim mentally all she wanted but deep, deep down, she knew it was on her. She had fucked Jeff because- well, because…. she didn’t know. A complete lie, by the way. She knew, but she would just say it was to have something over Jackie, to take something she had control of or to hurt the other girl and finally see her huge hazel eyes break. All she had done was speak her mind in a private space. What was the harm in that? It was never supposed to see the light of day. It was her fault for leaving it out but Jackie’s fault for snooping in it anyways. Was it such a crime that Shauna had wanted to express her true feelings for once somewhere she felt safe? Jackie hadn’t done the best job at giving her that space, she was sort of the root of all of Shauna’s feelings anyways. 

The bus screeched to a halt. 

The driver began to drone on and on about some “Thank you for being such good passengers” and “I’m so glad I was your driver” or whatever. Shauna didn’t listen. She just grabbed her stuff and waited as the team very slowly exited the bus. They made their way into the already buzzing airport and watched as the security guard’s faces dropped seeing a large group of teenage girls walking in. Shauna caught her matching tamagotchi swinging from her bag out of the corner of her eye. She immediately looked in Jackie’s direction, and noticed hers was absent. Of course. That and the matching Jellycat keychains (normal cloud for Jackie, storm cloud for Shauna, both had the opposite of themself) were probably tucked away somewhere else in her luggage. She was too predictable to avoid Shauna. 

____

The team (somehow) made it through TSA with no issues. They still had a few hours to kill before the plane took off, so Shauna just sat down and pulled her worn copy of Wuthering Heights out of her backpack. She noticed Jackie, Van, and Natalie heading off in the direction of the restaurants and gift shops. Whatever, Jackie would blow out the rest of her parent’s money on stupid trinkets and cute sweatshirts while Shauna was here all alone. 

Speaking of alone, Laura Lee was sitting directly next to Shauna, completely minding her own business. She never looked over once. She just sat there and hummed to herself while occasionally checking her phone. It was nice to be in the company of someone else, even if it was silent. That was the best kind of company, Shauna thought. Silence and understanding. Mutual respect. Laura Lee was a very sweet person. She had probably seen Shauna alone and not been afraid to simply be in her presence the way the rest of the team seemed to be. Shauna didn’t like that people were afraid of her. Sure, she was broody and would punch any boy (boy, specifically) that said something stupid about Jackie, but she wasn’t a violent monster. It only happened when she was really drunk or high or just.. really angry. Yeah, she got careless fouls on the field sometimes. But the girl always deserved it. Usually they had fouled Jackie and gotten away with it. That didn’t matter anymore. Their final season was over, and they were coming out empty handed. 

Taissa approached the girls, setting her backpack down on the other side of Shauna. 

“Did you guys want anything? Me and Lot were gonna go to the cafe and just walk around until stuff looks good.” She asked. 

“I’ll come with you, Tai. Are you gonna come with us, Laura Lee?” Shauna responded. 

“No, I’m comfortable here. Don’t get me anything, I’m not hungry.” Laura Lee said cheerfully, waving goodbye to the two girls. 

As soon as she was out of earshot, Shauna leaned into Taissa’s ear. 

“What happened with her and Lottie?” She asked. 

“I have no clue, Shauna. She won’t tell me.” Tai said worriedly.

Speak of the Devil, Lottie Matthews approached them with 3 cups of coffee in her hands. 

“Hey guys! I got what I usually see you getting. I know Shauna likes straight black coffee with a little creamer and Taissa you like… pretty much the same thing.”

Shauna knew Jackie had provided that information. She never got coffee with anyone else. 

She could do that. She could give people little tidbits about Jackie until she suffocated. Like how Jackie couldn’t stand being cold, and how she couldn’t start a fire to save her life despite her 8 years of being a girl scout. The way Jackie would bundle herself and Shauna up the second she saw a snowflake, and despite how much she hated the cold would force Shauna to play in the snow with her and go sledding (but they never stayed out for long. Jackie’s little red nose always notified Shauna of when it was time to go in and drink hot cocoa.). Jackie didn’t like her coffee sickeningly sweet, just enough. She liked to taste the actual coffee rather than pure sugar and milk. Because of this, she usually ended up drinking a third of Shauna’s coffee. Jackie was a chugger when it came to drinks. Jackie-

Okay, wow. 

She really could ramble about these small Jackie fun facts until she couldn’t breathe. Jackie could manage to drown out all her thoughts without even being present. 

“What about you, Shauna?” Lottie asked. 

Shauna snapped out of it. 

“Sorry, what was the question?” She said quizzically. 

“Is Mcdonald’s okay? We can’t find anything better.” Lottie said apologetically. 

It was Jackie who hated Mcdonald’s. Not Shauna. 

“Yeah, of course.” She responded. 

They got their food and returned to the terminal with plenty of time on their hands. Shauna continued to space out while she ate her food and unintentionally ignored everyone scanning the area for Jackie, who hadn’t returned yet. It was weird they hadn’t seen her while out looking for food. 

Over the loud PA system, the airport attendant began to read off the boarding order for their flight. As if summoned at the perfect time, Jackie and her little gang appeared at the gate. The team made it onto the plane and this was when Shauna really started to panic. Music or not, book or not, she had such a difficult time with heights that even going through that stupid tunnel to board the plane was terrifying.

She was utterly fucked. 

Chapter Text

They begrudgingly filed onto the plane in a tight line. It took forever, and the entire time Jackie caught herself scanning behind her for the taller brunette she knew too well. She couldn’t help but worry a bit. Would Shauna be alright without Valium? Would she be okay on the plane alone? Whatever. It didn’t matter anymore. Shauna didn’t care what Jackie thought, and Jackie didn’t care how Shauna felt anymore. 

The further into the vehicle she got the more she worried. She told herself she wasn’t worrying. But she was. Every time she glanced at Shauna it seemed to get worse. The girl had been trembling the entire time, but now her breathing was unsteady, and she was clutching Jackie’s necklace, still around her neck. Jackie almost felt bad that they were splitting up Tai and Van, and Lottie and Nat. But she couldn’t be around Shauna, not when she wanted that necklace back. How selfish is it to keep something someone gave you for comfort after you hurt them? 

She decided to sit with Van and Nat, obviously. Shauna sat with their other halves a few rows in front and to the left of Jackie’s group, in the aisle seat. Unfortunately, Jackie was also in an aisle seat. Shauna glanced at her for the first time, a silent plea for help in her eyes. Jackie almost crumbled right then and there, she couldn’t ever fight Shauna’s dark puppy eyes. She tore her gaze away and started a conversation with Van. 

“So…how are you and Taissa?” She said, fidgeting with the cord of her headphones. 

“Good.” They said tightly. “How are you feeling? Y’know, with the whole…thing.” 

This was the first time someone had really asked about it, and it may have been too soon because Jackie just looked at her feet and kept her lips sealed tight. 

“Sorry, Jack. Shouldn’t have asked. I just saw her using her ‘Jackie look’ over there and was curious.” They added. 

“What’s the ‘Jackie look’?” She asked, scrunching her nose. 

“Like, that longing, guilt tripping stare that she does with those huge brown orbs of hers.” Van explained animatedly. 

Jackie snorted. “Probably trying to play the victim and make me feel bad and run back to her.” Venom laced her words. 

“Ooookay..” Van surrendered

“Good morning passengers of flight 2526, this is your pilot speaking. We are set for Wiskayok, New Jersey. The estimated time of arrival is 1 pm, expect mild turbulence. Thank you and enjoy your flight.”

Jackie sighed and unconsciously looked in Shauna’s direction. The girl was now breathing rapidly and practically vibrating, trying to take deep breaths and squeezing her eyes shut while Taissa rubbed her back. Again, Jackie had to force herself to look away. Making contact with those eyes again was a recipe for disaster. She pulled her headphones over her head and pulled up her and Shauna’s shared playlist. Not for Shauna, it was just that her music was really good. That was it. That was all Jackie would give her. She closed her eyes and leaned back as the plane took off. 

______

The plane hit turbulence and Jackie woke with a start. Her eyes and mind immediately went to Shauna, who now had tears streaming down her pale cheeks. She had a death grip on the gold heart chain and looked like she was about to explode. 

She shouldn’t. Jackie shouldn’t do anything. She shouldn’t feel bad. She can’t. 

Before she knew what she was doing, Jackie was digging through her carry-on bag for the last of the Valium. Obviously she had packed extra for the flight back. 

She got up with the excuse of needing to pee, and walked down the aisle towards the front of the plane. 

As soon as she passed Shauna, she dropped the pill in her lap, not looking to see if she had gotten it. Jackie didn’t look back, she stayed on her path and locked herself in the bathroom. 

Did I seriously just fucking do that?? She thought as she sat down heavily onto the toilet, burying her face in her hands. So much for not caring. But who was she kidding? She couldn’t throw away a lifelong friendship as easily as Shauna could. Jackie would always care, she would always love Shauna. Platonically, of course, but she would always love her at least a little bit. It wasn’t fair to expect those feelings to leave so fast. 

When she saw Shauna, all she saw was the little quiet girl in her kindergarten class. The girl with short shaggy dark hair and bandaids all over her little legs, the only girl who would listen to her constant rambling and hold onto every word. She saw the 6-year-old that she shared every piece of candy with, the girl she spent every single recess with for all of elementary school. Her partner for every school project she ever had. The girl who had punched multiple guys for making a harmless, but admittedly weird comment. She saw the girl with deep brown eyes she would never admit to getting lost in constantly, whose eyes she could barely see in the dark when they shared a bed at sleepovers, when their hands would wander and push the definition of “friends”.

It wasn’t fair that this same girl would fuck her boyfriend, write about how much she despised her best friend, and plan to run off to an ivy-league school without a word. 

A knock on the door startled her.

“Hey Jack, you alright? You’ve been in there for like, ten minutes.” Nat’s tired voice came through the thin door. 

“Yeah, just gimme another minute.” She responded, maybe a bit too quick. 

She stood up on wobbly legs and shuffled awkwardly in the small space to the sink, splashing water on her face and flushing the toilet to make it sound believable. Jackie took one deep breath and opened the door. 

As soon as her body exited the bathroom Shauna’s eyes were on her. They held eye contact, daring each other to say something or crack. The corners of Shauna’s mouth twitched up, threatening to smile before she mouthed a silent thank you, to which Jackie didn’t respond. The blonde just made her way back to her seat, ignoring Shauna. She sat down quickly and pulled the headphones over her head, cranking her music up to a dangerous volume. The more distractions she had, the easier it would be. 

_____

Shauna wondered what the fuck kind of stupid game Jackie was playing with her. Did she think they were competing, trying to be more nonchalant than the other? Trying to avoid eye contact and be devoid of all emotion? She couldn’t fake that after obviously showing some sort of concern for Shauna, enough to give her Valium. 

Speaking of that, Shauna hadn’t taken it yet. Despite her crippling fear of flying and the recent turbulence, now all she could do was think. She’d even said thank you and Jackie just completely ignored her. Shauna knew her too well though. She saw the emotions run through her huge hazel eyes like a movie. Jackie cared, but she also had a lot of practice putting on a fake act for people. 

Though they weren’t speaking and Jackie effectively hated Shauna now, there was one thing she was happy about. Jackie hadn’t seemed to catch onto the underlying problem in every single entry Shauna wrote. 

She had hundreds of journals now, from elementary school sparkly, fuzzy notebooks, to leather-bound journals, there was one thing that drove everything she ever wrote. Jackie. Just Jackie. When she realized her feelings for Jackie far surpassed jealousy and supposed anger, and crossed the unspoken boundaries of a platonic friendship, she just tried to mask it with the desire to be her, not be with her. She fucked Jeff because she could smell her on him. Her perfume on his clothes, her lip gloss on his neck and lips, down to the strands of hair left on his jacket. 

He wasn’t even good. She only came because she could pretend it was Jackie. God, that has to be the first time she actually admitted that. He was awful, but she could taste Jackie on him, her scent intoxicated Shauna, it made her more desperate to touch and to feel. It wasn’t hard to trick herself into thinking his chapped lips and stubble were a softer, smaller version with strawberry lipgloss, to pretend his rough and eager hands were gentler and smaller around her waist. 

She glanced back at Jackie one more time. Fuck, why do I keep looking first?  she scolded herself. To counter it, she grabbed her water and downed the Valium. They still had 3 hours on the stupid plane and she wasn’t about to spend them longingly staring at her angry best friend. She just wanted a break. 

_____

As soon as Jackie saw Shauna pop the Valium out of the corner of her eye, she turned her focus to the music she shared with Shauna. She couldn’t sleep anymore now that she was up, even though she hadn’t slept much the night before.  

Jackie watched as Shauna drifted to sleep, the soft curve of her jaw finally relaxing and her body softening. She stared at Shauna’s soft pale hands and imagined that if she could’ve waited to ruin their friendship until after nationals, that maybe Shauna would be holding her hand. The other girl always liked to rub the back of Jackie’s bony hand with her thumbs, and Jackie took it in every time like it was a drug. She thought about how sometimes she would sneak glances at Shauna even when they were together, to analyze her the way she was doing right now. 

The more she spaced, the more her eyes threatened to release a flood of tears. It was pathetic, it hadn’t even been one full day, and she missed Shauna as if she had lost her forever. She felt as if she was mourning Shauna, or rather grieving their friendship. Maybe if they could both have just been more honest with each other. 

Jackie was so tired of keeping up this stupid act for Shauna, for everyone around her, for her parents. She didn’t know how much longer she could act careless and happy. God, what was she even going to do about Jeff when they landed? He had promised her he’d be there waiting. She insisted he shouldn’t come (she didn’t want to see him at all), but he didn’t care, he tried to give her puppy eyes and she almost threw up in her mouth. Whatever. She would just tell him that she knew exactly what he’d done, push Shauna towards him, and walk away. 

Wait. 

Was Shauna still her ride home? Fuck, she couldn’t remember. There was too much going on in her mind. She didn’t think so? She could always get a ride from someone else. Maybe…Van? Nat? Neither of them had cars. Then it hit her. 

She kicked the seat in front of her and a very sleepy-looking Laura Lee turned to face her. 

“Can I please get a ride home after this?” Jackie whispered. 

“Of course, but my parents will be driving our van with my 4 little siblings…” 

“That’s fine, thank you Laura Lee.”

She could tolerate some screaming little kids if it meant sparing herself from an awkward car ride with her best friend. Ex best friend? Shauna. 

Jackie sat back and tried to get her breathing back in check. Only two and a half hours left. She could do this.