Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Candace leaned back in her bed as she punched in Stacy’s phone number, holding her breath and watching the screen as it rang.

Soon, Stacy’s face popped up. “Hey, girl. How was the boys’ last day of summer? I feel like I must have missed a grand finale.”

“It was harrowing,” Candace admitted. “I was caught in a time loop for almost a month. But it ended well, and I’m doing okay. Sorry you missed the concert right at the end.”

“It happens. So, they’re back at school today?”

“They are indeed. They’ve just started middle school, and that means there’s one week left until the high school opens its doors once again.”

“Any zany schemes for reinventing ourselves for sophomore year?”

“Just one,” Candace said seriously. “Stuffed bras.”

Stacy was silent for a moment. “Candace… Jeremy knows you have no breasts. He’s probably been noticing all summer. Don’t you think he’ll be suspicious if you suddenly have them on the first day of school?”

“For once, I’m not thinking about what Jeremy will notice. Or have you forgotten what freshman year was like?”

Silence again. “Wouldn’t you know it, summer was so pleasant and eventful that I had forgotten,” Stacy said weakly. “Okay, sign me up for bra-stuffing club. How do we start?”

“I’m thinking… total transparency with Jeremy. I’m gonna patch him into this call.”

“Wait, really?”

“Like you said, he’ll notice if things change. Might as well give him a heads-up.”

Candace dialed his number, and in a few seconds his face appeared alongside Stacy’s. “Good morning, ladies.”

“Hey, Jeremy,” said Candace. “Are you alone? We’ve got something important to talk about before school starts.”

“Let me make sure.” As Jeremy checked his door, he asked, “So, is it true that I missed the final Phineas and Ferb concert?”

“Eh, you know, it was just another Phineas and Ferb concert. There’ll be more.”

Jeremy closed his door securely. “So, what’d you need to talk about?”

“We just wanted to inform you,” Candace began, before faltering, “uh… you know, this is a lot harder than I thought it would be, saying this right to your face, um… Stacy, help me out?”

“If you see me and Candace at school and we have boobs,” said Stacy, “don’t be alarmed, we’re faking it.”

“Well, I didn’t mean just spill everything,” Candace mumbled.

“You said to help you out, I helped you out.”

Jeremy looked blank for a moment before speaking. “Candace, I like your body the way it is.”

“That’s very sweet of you, Jeremy, but your opinion on the issue isn’t really important,” said Candace. “This is an FYI call.”

“Um, okay.”

“You don’t know what we experienced freshman year,” Candace went on. “Because you were a big mature sophomore at the time. But there are mean girls in our grade, Jeremy. Mean, nasty, fake-ass girls who drove us into exile. It wasn’t a good year.”

“Wow. I had no idea.”

“Of course you didn’t. You never noticed us at school. By design. We were forced to the bottom of the pyramid.”

“I’ll be real with you, Jeremy,” Stacy said solemnly. “Did you ever notice that besides the two of us, the only friend we have is Jenny? Did you think it was a coincidence that our entire social circle is all the high school girls in Danville with chests you could chop onions on? Which reminds me, let’s get Jenny in on this. We don’t want to leave her behind the way every girl who got boobs in freshman year left us behind.”

“Oh my God,” said Jeremy. “That happened? I’m so sorry. Who are these mean girls?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Candace said quickly. “We’re just giving you a heads-up, as the only guy who currently knows we exist, we’re getting out of this by stuffing our bras, so don’t rock the boat. Don’t say a word, don’t act like you see anything out of the ordinary.”

“Sure thing, girls,” he said somewhat wearily.

“And if it’s any consolation, Jeremy, I once met a time-traveling version of myself from twenty years in the future… you know, Phineas and Ferb stuff…”

“Of course.”

“Of course. So I happen to know that at some point in the future I will have an actual figure. I don’t know the details… maybe she got work done, maybe she had a late growth spurt in her thirties, or maybe, just maybe, something normal will happen in my life for once and I’ll develop this year. Just… rest assured that I’ll be put together by the time I’m thirty-five.”

“Good to know.”

“Boobs and hips.”

“I look forward to it.”

“Do you?” Candace challenged. “What happened to liking my body the way it is?”

“That includes any changes that might happen to it,” he said simply. “Because that’s still the way it is.”

“Way to hedge, Jer,” Candace said dryly.

“I’m not hedging!” he insisted. “I’m not in this for your body. I like you.”

Candace faltered guiltily. “I… I know you do. And I wish I didn’t have a completely embarrassing lack of a figure so you could like me and my body, but as of now, I pledge to fake it ’til I make it.”

“I just… this sounds like a very fragile scheme to me,” Jeremy said delicately. “Wouldn’t it be all too easy for one of these girls to notice what you’re doing? What happens when you’re outed as bra-stuffers? You’ll only make things worse for yourselves.”

“Wow,” Stacy retorted.

“I’m not… that came out wrong. I don’t think you should choose your actions based on the way bullies are going to react to them, I’m not suggesting that…”

“That’s okay, Jeremy,” Candace said cheerfully. “We’re suggesting that. And what you’re saying? Shouldn’t be a problem. Our goal is to be invisible, to fade into the background. Nobody will ever look closely enough to know that we’re phonies.”

“Invisible.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And fake boobs are the way to do that?”

“Yes!” Stacy said desperately. “She only goes after the girls who are totally flat. It’s her thing.”

“So there’s a ‘she’ now?” Jeremy prodded. “It’s one mean girl in particular? Who is she?”

“It doesn’t matter!” said Candace. “We’ve got a plan and we’re sticking to it. Right, Stacy?”

“Right.” Stacy held a pencil aloft, indicating she’d been taking notes. “Point one: make sure Jeremy’s in the loop. In-progress.”

“Nice.”

“Point two: don’t leave Jenny behind. Let’s call her once we’ve addressed point number three.”

“’Kay. What’s point number three?”

“We don’t actually own any bras,” Stacy said thoughtfully, punctuating it by tapping her pencil eraser against the corner of her mouth. “We need to get our hands on some. We can probably rule out bra shopping with our moms, who know we don’t need them and probably won’t approve of us getting some just so we can stuff them, so… we won’t get far until we figure out how to get bras.”

“Hmm,” said Candace. “Well, I think I have a lead there. I know the girl with the nicest boobs in Danville. She’s a junior like Jeremy, I think—some ridiculously perfect hotsy-totsy called Vanessa Doofenshmirtz. I go to her whenever I need advice on how to be cool and mature. If she doesn’t have bras we can borrow, maybe she can help us shop for some, no moms required. I’ll call her as soon as we’re done with Jeremy.”

“All right, you two,” said Jeremy. “Seems like you’ve got this under control. By the way, please don’t actually try chopping onions on a girl’s chest, no matter how flat she is. That sounds like it would lead to grievous injury.”

They stared at him blankly.

“Just trying to close with a joke,” he said awkwardly. “Oh, wait, one more thing…”

“Yes?” said Candace.

“Stacy, Coltrane said you guys split up yesterday. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay,” said Stacy. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, he just seemed weirdly okay with the whole thing and I was wondering if you were hurt in any way.”

“No, I’m good. I’m… weirdly okay with it too. It was my idea.”

“I didn’t hear about this,” said Candace in alarm. “What’s up?”

“It’s nothing,” Stacy said hurriedly. “Just a summer romance that ran its course—it was never a serious thing like you two. I’m looking for a clean slate.”

“Clean slate,” Candace repeated. “Hell yes. I’m all about that. Not… not with my relationship, of course. Gonna keep that. Right, Jeremy?”

“You betcha, babe,” he said, winking.

“We’ll catch you at school?”

“Sure thing, babe.”

Candace flicked the screen, dismissing him, and he vanished. “Hehehehe, he called me ‘babe’.”

“Focus, Candace,” Stacy said lazily. “Who’s this hotsy-totsy we need to consult?”

“She’s coming right up. Uno momento…”

Candace dialed, and soon, Vanessa’s face appeared where Jeremy’s had been. “Hello?”

“Gooood morning, Vanessa!” Candace said brightly.

“Hey, Candace. How ya been?”

“Oh, pretty good, pretty good. My friend Stacy and I are making some plans for the first day of school, and… we were hoping you could help us out.”

“Hi!” Stacy chirped. “I’m Stacy.”

“Good to meet you,” said Vanessa. “How can I help?”

“We’re reinventing ourselves for sophomore year,” said Candace. “So we need… fashion advice. From a cool older girl such as yourself.”

“Sounds like fun. What do you have in mind?”

“We thought maybe we could raid your wardrobe for ideas, and then, if you’re not willing to just lend us some stuff, we can all go shopping together!”

“I love it,” said Vanessa. “Not quite as punk-rock as the way I usually spend my days, but I can diversify.”

“Great! How soon can we swing by?”

“Are you free this afternoon? I’ve got an orientation at my new internship today, but I should be home by three.”

“We can do that.”

Vanessa tapped at her phone. “I’ll text you my mom’s address… she’s loaded, so we’ve got a big place on the outskirts of town.”

“Yeah?” Candace asked with genuine interest. “How loaded we talking?”

“‘My dad makes six figures on alimony alone’ kind of loaded. ‘The alien dragon I picked up on Feebla-Oot lives in this house and my mom still hasn’t noticed’ kind of loaded.”

“Nice,” Candace said approvingly.

“I’m pretty comfortable with it.”

Candace received Vanessa’s text, and entered the address into her maps app. “Looks like there’s a pretty good bike route,” she said. “We’ll see you at three. Thanks so much, Vanessa. We’ll owe you big for this.”

“Happy to help. I’ll see you girls then.” Vanessa vanished.

“Well, you weren’t wrong,” said Stacy. “That is a very pretty girl.”

“Isn’t she just?”

“Why didn’t you tell her we only want bras?”

“It’s not like we’re close friends,” Candace said sheepishly. “I’ll tell her this is a bra-stuffing scheme when we see her in person and she can’t just hang up on us. Hopefully she has a strong spirit of girl power and solidarity.”

“Here’s hopin’.”

“So, let’s see,” said Candace. “I’ll be in your front yard at two-thirty. I’ve been to her mom’s place before, but… you know how Phineas and Ferb are about fast-traveling through Danville. Without them, we’ll want to bank some time to bike there.”

Stacy saluted. “Aye-aye, captain. We’ve got this. This is our day to seize. I love you, girl.”

“Love you too, Stace. See you in a bit.” She hung up.

Chapter Text

Candace and Stacy set their bikes down on the porch of Charlene Doofenshmirtz’s house in the hills somewhere. Candace rang the doorbell, and they were soon greeted by Vanessa.

“Hey, girls,” Vanessa said warmly. “Come on in, I’ve got drinks ready.”

They gathered in the living room, where Vanessa brought them a tray of little red drinks, full of ice and topped by tiny umbrellas. Candace took a glass and raised it to Vanessa in a silent toast.

“Thanks again for having us over,” she said. “Is, um… is your mom around? We’re hoping to keep this kind of on the down-low.”

“You’re good; we’ll be alone all night,” said Vanessa. “So, before we head up to the closet, what kind of fashion changes are you looking for? To be honest, I don’t know if anything in my wardrobe would really suit you guys.”

“I’m sure we’ll manage,” said Candace. “We weren’t entirely open with you over the phone. Let’s… how do I begin? Well… how about this: the first time we met, what’s the first thing you noticed about me?”

“Mm… that you’re high-strung and probably need to get laid?” Vanessa guessed.

“Well, I—hey! That’s not very nice.”

“Sorry. Just calling it like I see it.”

“I could get laid if I wanted,” Candace grumbled into her drink. “I have a boyfriend. I just don’t want to put pressure on him.”

“I’m not judging,” said Vanessa. “I’ve never been laid either. I’m sure it would help me unwind.”

“Well, no, that’s not what I had in mind. Think back to the first time you saw me. Remember? I was wearing your clothes.”

“Oh,” Vanessa realized. “Well, that wasn’t the first time we met. We met on a ski lift.”

“What are you, the continuity department? I’m trying to drop hints here: what’s the first thing you noticed about me when you saw me wearing your jacket?”

Realizing where Candace was going with this, Vanessa solemnly took a sip of her drink before speaking. “That you couldn’t fill it out.”

“And you filled out my top… like a boss.” Candace grasped Stacy’s hand before going on. “There are people at school who made freshman year a living hell for us. We just want to blend in a little more and get those people off our backs.”

“Mm, again, I don’t know if my fashion sense is right for you.”

“We’re not going to change our style. We just need boobs. We don’t own any bras for obvious reasons, so we were hoping you could help us out with that.”

Vanessa raised her eyebrows in surprise.

“I’ll be honest,” Candace said meekly, “I could say I thought of you because I think you’re really cool and mature and I trust your fashion sense… and that would all be true, I think if I wanted a real makeover I would think of you… but if we’re aiming for full disclosure, we need your help because you’re the only friend I’ve got who has actual boobs. And thus, the only person I know who might have bras we can borrow so we can stuff them.”

“That’s… very…” Vanessa said slowly.

“Very what?” Candace retorted, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “Shrewd? Clever? Brilliant? Give it to me straight.”

“I was going to say it’s very ‘middle school’,” Vanessa admitted. “Aren’t you two a little old to be stuffing your bras?”

“Yes, yes we are,” Candace said tersely. “Unfortunately, we’re also too old to have completely no boobs whatsoever, but that’s the hand we’ve been dealt. So if this feels like a ridiculous, stupid, desperate plan… take it up with the forces of nature, they pushed us to this.”

“All right, Candace.” Vanessa stood up. “You came to the right place. Follow me. I have dozens of bras I’ve never worn. You can take your pick.”

“Wait, you do? Why?”

“Like I said: my mom’s loaded. I basically have a bra for every day of the year, but I don’t usually wear a bra, so most of them are still in mint condition.” She started walking away, toward the stairs to the second floor.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Candace exclaimed, standing up and joining her. “What do you mean you don’t usually wear a bra? What are you wearing under that coat right now?”

“Nothing,” Vanessa said in amusement.

Candace stared in disbelief at Vanessa’s breasts. “But they’re so perky. How do they stick up like that?”

“I’m just naturally perky.”

Candace peered at Vanessa suspiciously. “I’m not sure if I believe you.”

“I’m not sure if we’re close enough friends for me to prove it to you. Maybe if you buy me dinner.” Vanessa again walked away, and began to make her way up to the stairs.

“Sure, shake your ass at us while you ascend the stairs,” Candace grumbled.

Vanessa looked over her shoulder at Candace, genuinely irritated now. “This is just the way I walk.”

Stacy outpaced Candace as they reached the second floor of the house, walking alongside Vanessa. “What are you wearing under those pants?” she asked.

“Usually a G-string. Today, nothing.”

“Seriously?” Candace exclaimed.

“It’s a compromise,” said Vanessa. “I want to feel sexy and rebellious, but my dad won’t let me get any tattoos or piercings, so I get the rush I’m after by going commando some of the time. Maybe even a lot of the time.”

Stacy stared at her in admiration. “How does every word out of your mouth make you even hotter?”

Vanessa beamed, looking directly at Stacy for the first time. “I’m just a hot girl, Stacy. Let’s see if we can make you feel like one too.”

“Yeah,” Stacy said dreamily. She stared into space for a moment, then caught up to Vanessa again. “So, uh, Doofenshmirtz, was it? That’s not a name you hear often. Any relation to the mayor?”

“He’s my uncle, but we don’t really speak.”

“Oh? Why not?”

“Couple of reasons. Growing up, my dad was always full of tragic backstories about how his brother was spoiled rotten back in Drusselstein. I didn’t always take those stories at face value, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become disinclined to trust anyone who’s enough of a suck-up to make it in politics. Plus, I’ve become more aware of how Uncle Roger treats my dad. To this day, he talks down to him. It’s not cool.”

“Oooh,” Stacy said approvingly. “Candace was right. You are super-mature.”

“I try to be. I try really hard, actually.”

“Your family is Drusselsteinian, then?”

“On my dad’s side, yeah.”

Struggling for something else interesting to say, Stacy forced out, “My, uh… my family name is Hirano. It’s Japanese. My family is… Japanese.”

“I bet you get stalked by a lot of nerdy guys.”

“Honestly? Not as many as I would like.”

Vanessa turned to Candace, who was trailing behind them, leaning toward her as she continued to walk backwards. “Speaking of families, Candace, can you clear something up for me?”

“Uh, maybe?”

“I’ve met your family a few times, and I’m just trying to piece together what’s going on there. You know, how you have two brothers who are almost the exact same age, and how Ferb is British… so, is Ferb your stepbrother? To you and Phineas? Have I got that right?”

Candace winced. “Yikes. Technically, yes, but we don’t talk about that.”

“What do you mean?”

“We just don’t find the story worth talking about. Yes, technically, Ferb’s dad married my mom and they both had kids from… previously. But they’re my real dad and my real little brother, even if they are weird and English and stuff. It’s not like my mom and Phineas are any less frustrating just because we’re blood related. Family is family, and my family doesn’t do prefixes like ‘step’. So… that’s how that goes, but thanks for showing an interest.”

“Huh,” said Vanessa. “That’s kinda nice, actually.” She turned away from Candace and frowned.

“Something the matter?” Stacy asked.

“Oh, just thinking about my dad’s robot assistant who fancies himself my little brother. Maybe I should take him more seriously.”

“Maybe you should,” said Candace.

They entered Vanessa’s bedroom. “Okay, here we are,” Vanessa said grandly. “Walk-in closet is this way.”

“OMG, you really have a walk-in closet?” said Candace, nearly jumping up and down in excitement. “Hehehehe, that’s like my dream! Can I lurk around in there alone for a bit?”

“Sure thing, Candace. In the far right corner you’ll find all the bras and panties that I’ve never worn… just waiting to be re-gifted to someone else, I guess. And right next to them is my luggage, if you want to take enough to fill a suitcase or two. Honestly, what’s mine is yours. Except for your old Mary McGuffin doll, that’s mine.”

“Fair enough.” Candace darted into the closet and shut herself within it. A moment later, they faintly heard her begin giggling again.

Vanessa turned to Stacy. “How long do you suppose she’ll be in there?”

“Heck if I know. She really has always wanted a walk-in closet.”

Vanessa shrugged. “Well, in that case, maybe we should kick off our shoes and sit down.”

“Yes, let’s.”

They did so, slipping off their shoes and seating themselves on the floor beside Vanessa’s bed, leaning back against it.

“She’s dating the blond from Jeremy and the Incidentals, right?” Vanessa asked. “Jeremy, I assume?”

“Yeah, they’re a big serious thing.”

Vanessa nodded. “Lucky her. He’s so cute. The band’s way too bubblegum for my taste, and… I hit on him once, but he was too nice for me. Maybe if I’d met him after I got over bad boys…”

“You probably wouldn’t have had much luck,” said Stacy. “He’s only ever had eyes for Candace.”

“Yeah, I could sense that.”

Attempting once again to say something mature, Stacy offered, “I used to date the bass player, Coltrane. Actually, we just broke up yesterday morning.”

“Yeah? What happened?”

“Oh, nothing really. It was a hot and steamy summer romance, and now summer’s over. You know how it is: guys who play in bands are attractive to girls, girls who squee at guys in bands are attractive to the guys in those bands… we had chemistry, but at the end of the day, the only thing we had in common was that I’m Candace’s Asian friend and he’s Jeremy’s Black friend.”

“Oh,” Vanessa said blankly. “Well, that’s not cool. Did they push you to be together, or…?”

“Oh, not at all. I was the pushing force there, I decided to pursue Coltrane, and that worked out really well, we had fun. But I wanted to devote myself to heading back to school and kinda starting over. Plus, you know, the band’s called Jeremy and the Incidentals, and being my boyfriend turned Coltrane into more of a semi-recurring character, so that really threw off their dynamics. I’d hate to get in the way of their art.”

“A fresh start sounds good,” said Vanessa. “I think this year will be full of big things.” She set a framed photo she’d been carrying on her bedside table.

“What’s that?”

“Picture from my first day at work. I’m doing an internship at OWCA.”

Stacy frowned. “That rings a bell. What is that?”

“The Organization Without a Cool Acronym. I probably shouldn’t say too much, it’s kind of covert, but… screw it. It’s an extra-governmental organization that trains cute animals to fight evil scientists.”

Stacy’s eyes went wide with realization. “Do the animals wear snazzy fedoras?”

“Yeah. You’ve seen them around?”

Stacy scanned the photo, seeing the scene of Vanessa with a large group of coworkers. Agent P was front and center. “Oh, snap. Is that Perry? How well do you know Perry?”

“He’s my dad’s mentor. Perry was assigned to him back when my dad was a person of interest to the organization, and he’s mentoring him now that he’s changed sides. How do you know Perry?”

Stacy urgently flipped the photo facedown. “Dude! Perry is Phineas and Ferb’s pet. Don’t let Candace know anything about OWCA. If anyone in the family finds out about the organization, Perry’s cover will be blown and he’ll have to relocate.”

“Whoa,” Vanessa breathed. “‘Oh, snap’ is right. Good thing you spotted that.” Her eyes darted to her closet door. “Good thing she was in there when I started talking about my job. That could have gone badly.”

“Lucky breaks,” Stacy said grimly. “I get the feeling Perry relies on those a lot.”

“But it’s just his cover, right?”

“Oh, God no, not ‘just’. Perry loves those boys to death.”

“That’s crazy. I had no idea when I first met Ferb that he had one degree of separation from my dad’s life. Small world, huh?”

“Yeah. So… yeah, definitely don’t bring up anything about the organization to Candace, or any of her family members, and, er, while you’re at it, don’t mention me to Major Monogram or any of them, if that’s okay. Nobody knows that I found out and escaped getting my memory wiped on a technicality.”

“Sure thing, Stacy. I don’t know why I’d bring you up to Major Monogram, so… I promise I won’t.”

“Hey, you never know. Maybe I’ll be a super-important part of your life.” She blinked rapidly, batting her eyelashes.

Vanessa smiled. “Yeah. Maybe you will.”

After a brief hesitation, Stacy leaned closer to Vanessa. “If Perry ever needs help from a friend, you can give me a call. As long as it stays a secret, just between the three of us.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Vanessa offered up her phone. “Digits?”

“With pleasure.”

They swapped phones, entering their own numbers into the other’s contact list, and swapped back.

“So,” Stacy said casually. “Do you have a boyfriend? You must have a boyfriend.”

Vanessa laughed. “Must I?”

“Well, it’s just that you’re insanely hot, so I figured…”

“Finding a boyfriend isn’t as easy as it sometimes appears. Even when you’re insanely hot.”

“So… boyfriend? No boyfriend?”

“I don’t have a boyfriend, I just know a guy who’d be really mad if he heard me say that.”

Vanessa chuckled at her own joke, only to find Stacy tilting her head in confusion.

“That was a joke,” Vanessa said lamely. “Mitch Hedberg said it.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Eh, don’t worry about it. I kinda have a boyfriend.” She lifted the photo again and pointed out someone in the back row. “Monty. He’s a college freshman, he’s interning at OWCA too, in fact he’s Major Monogram’s son… as you can probably tell. We had an on-and-off relationship in the last few weeks of summer… but we’re mostly just friends. We had to date behind the backs of our dads, and now that all four of us work for OWCA, we decided it’s probably for the best that we don’t keep pursuing our relationship, even if our dads aren’t enemies anymore. It’s just, you know, work stuff, the job’s important, we don’t want to complicate it.” She set the photo facedown once again. “So… basically, yeah… no boyfriend.”

Stacy said nothing.

“So, to answer your… unspoken question,” Vanessa said slyly. “If I were to, say, plant a smooch on a girl I met fifteen minutes ago who’s currently using her eyes to silently beg me to… I would not be cheating on anybody.”

Stacy’s eyes went wide, and Vanessa smirked.

“At least I think that’s what your eyes are saying,” Vanessa said softly. “Am I wrong?”

“You’re not wrong,” Stacy said hastily. “Please kiss me.”

“Good. I just needed that verbal confirmation.”

“Right. Consent is hot.”

“Mm, it sure is.”

Vanessa leaned in and kissed Stacy, and Stacy kissed her back, and it slowly grew more and more heated as seconds ticked by, until Candace emerged from the closet with a couple of suitcases. At the sight of them, she dropped the suitcases in shock. Stacy and Vanessa broke apart, staring up at Candace meekly.

“Well, that’s just typical,” Candace sneered. “I bring together two people from different corners of my life, and within ten minutes they start lezzing out. Welcome to my world. Nobody ever wants to lez out with me…”

Stacy cleared her throat. “I mean, I’ve thought about it. But you’ve always been so thirsty for Jeremy I figured I shouldn’t bother.”

“So? Frivolously lezzing out with your friends is part of being a girl. I’d never let my feelings for Jeremy get in the way of that. Is that why we’ve never experimented with each other? Now I feel robbed.”

Stacy rolled her eyes. “Candace,” she said mechanically, “would you like to come over here and have a gross, sloppy three-way make-out session with Vanessa and me?”

“No thank you!” Candace said cheerfully. “I’m in a relationship with Jeremy now and I’ve pledged to be faithful to him. But thanks for asking! I’m honored.”

“Glad we’ve settled that,” Stacy said dryly.

Vanessa checked the time on her phone. “Has it really been only ten minutes? I guessed fifteen. Full confession: this wasn’t my first time kissing a girl I’ve known for ten minutes. I’ve been to a few raves, you know. Moved by the music to do something crazy. I’ve never gotten there through, like, actual conversation, so this was nice.”

“Sweet.” Stacy and Vanessa high-fived triumphantly before Stacy turned back to Candace. “Also, Candace…”

“What?”

“Frivolous? Experimental? Who says? Maybe Vanessa and I really had a connection in the, apparently, ten minutes since we met. She’s hot and she’s really interesting.”

“Yeah, Candace,” Vanessa taunted. “You know, I thought I needed a break from bad boys. Maybe I need a break from boys altogether.”

“I’d be down for that,” said Stacy. “How long of a break are we talking?”

“As long as it takes, I guess. Why don’t we see if there’s still this spark between us on the first day of school, and go from there? Let’s not rush into this.”

“Sounds good.”

Candace finally walked up to them with the suitcases and sat down, joining them in a small circle.

“I’m still giddy,” Stacy giggled. “I’ve never kissed a girl before.”

“I’ve never kissed a girl whose name I knew, if that’s worth anything.”

“Good enough for me. I feel on top of the world.”

“All right, Stace, let’s get back to business,” said Candace. She opened one of the suitcases and held up a few bras of various styles and colors. “So… these are all D-cups. Apparently Vanessa is, in fact, a D-cup. Which is a little bigger and more conspicuous than we may have hoped for, but I’m not complaining, we’ll make it work. Let’s bring these to Jenny tomorrow and we can take turns picking out designs we like. Nobody’s going to see us wearing them, of course, because if they did they’d see the stuffing, so… you know. Something just for us.”

“To be fair, that’s how choosing a bra normally works,” said Stacy. “You usually choose it just for yourself.”

“Usually, yeah,” Vanessa agreed. “They’re not for people to see. Most of the time. I’m just… are you girls sure about this?”

“We’re pretty sure,” said Candace. “This has been a long time coming.”

“That’s not what I mean,” said Vanessa, shaking her head. “I’m on board with you faking having boobs to avoid getting teased. I get that. I just meant… and maybe my perspective is warped because I was raised by an evil scientist who makes inators for everything… but stuffing a bra with tissue paper or whatever just feels like a horrendously low-tech solution to your problem.”

“Ooh, she’s got a point there,” Stacy said eagerly.

“What a surprise, your make-out buddy has a point,” Candace grumbled.

“Come on, Candace, I mean it. I don’t know much about inators, but when I’m looking for a high-tech solution for something… I usually go to Phineas and Ferb.”

Candace winced. “Ew. Not gonna happen.”

“Why not?”

“You have to ask? I’m not consulting my preteen brothers about my boob problem.”

Vanessa and Stacy glanced at each other sadly. “How about consulting them about your bully problem?” Vanessa said tenderly.

“This year, we won’t have a bully problem,” Candace said fiercely. “As far as anyone knows, we have boobs now. Problem solved.”

Stacy bit her lip doubtfully. “Why don’t I talk to them about it and see if they have any ideas? I’ll tell them it’s for me. That won’t be too weird, right?”

“Ugh…”

“I’m sure they’ll give it some thought,” said Vanessa. “Ferb loves boobs.”

“Ew. He what?”

“I’ve hung out with Ferb. My chest is right at his eye level. He’s never once looked up at my face.”

“Ew, ew, ew…”

“Are you sure about that?” Stacy asked. “His eyes are a little wonky.”

“I mean, yeah, but they can focus, I know where he’s looking…”

“Eeeewww!”

“Take it easy, Candace,” said Vanessa. “Come on. I have nice boobs. Don’t be mad at the kid for having good taste.”

“Just… don’t touch him, okay?” Candace growled.

“God, Candace, of course not. He’s a kid. I wouldn’t dream of it.” Vanessa thought about her own words, then smirked. “At least, not anytime soon. If, in the future, when he’s eighteen and I’m twenty-three and the difference isn’t so stark, and on the off-chance he’s grown up into the kind of guy I could go for… I make no promises. I might tap that. And I might not. I don’t see him that way at all right now, but a lot can change in seven years.”

“Gaaah…”

Stacy pouted at Candace sympathetically. “You really are tightly wound, Candace. Even after so much has changed. Have you considered touching yourself before bed?”

“I do touch myself before bed.”

“Then I’m afraid Vanessa’s right,” Stacy said solemnly. “You might need to get laid.”

Candace waved a dismissive hand. “Please. It was stressful enough becoming Jeremy’s girlfriend. And then maintaining that? Still stressful. I’m not ready to take it to the next level. My heart couldn’t take it. Even if I am… dying to.”

Candace noticed Vanessa’s sock-clad foot sneakily reaching out to touch Stacy’s. Stacy’s foot responded, rubbing against Vanessa’s affectionately. Candace was briefly entranced as their game of footsie went on.

“Can I ask?” Vanessa said to break the silence. “Who are these people who bullied you so badly that you can’t go back to school without a stuffed bra?”

“Well, it’s just this one girl, really,” said Stacy. “Her name’s Lisa.”

Vanessa scoffed. “You got pushed around by a girl with a basic-ass name like Lisa?”

“I can’t say it ever occurred to us that her name was too basic. She was mean. Still is, I assume. I don’t know what her summer’s been like. Every freshman girl who was flat was beaten down.” Stacy took a deep breath before she proceeded. “We were outcasts. A team of outcasts, which wasn’t so bad. But whenever a girl got boobs, that girl drifted away from the group so she could get away from the torment. It was just… easier than solidarity. By the end of the year, it was just me and Candace and Jenny. We managed to keep her out of mind all summer, but now that sophomore year is fast approaching and we’re still flat… we’re kind of scared.”

Vanessa tapped her fingers against her chin thoughtfully. “It occurs to me there’s an easier way to handle this. I’m a valued new member of a ruthless organization of good guys. Good guys don’t like bullies. I can put in a request to have this Lisa assassinated for you.”

Candace gaped at her. “I’m sorry, are you suggesting we solve our bully problem with murder?”

“Assassination,” Vanessa corrected. “When an organized agency does it, it’s not murder, it’s assassination.”

“And that strikes you as easier than padding our bras?”

“Kinda, yeah? When you’re a bra-stuffer you’ve gotta do it every day. You only have to kill someone once. How about when we get to school, you just point Lisa out to me and we’ll go from there?”

Candace edged away. “I… I don’t think I should do that. I think if I identify her for you you’re going to have her killed.”

“I said ruthless, not reckless. Obviously I’d take a look at how she treats people in general before making that call.”

“I’m sure she won’t do anything murder-worthy,” Candace said nervously. “For all she knows, nobody in her grade is flat-chested anymore.”

“So what?” Vanessa challenged. “You think bullies stop when their very specific punching bags go away? She’ll go after the new freshmen who are flat. Or she’ll find something else to bully people about.”

“Don’t be so cynical, all right?” Candace said desperately. “I’m gonna go to school next week wearing a D-cup bra. I never have to think about Lisa again. It’s gonna be beautiful.”

“Yeah. Excellent choice of words, ‘beautiful’. That’s what they said in the opening number of the Heathers musical, and we all know how that turned out.”

“I’m still gonna talk to Phineas and Ferb about this,” said Stacy.

“Come on,” Candace said irritably.

“A Phineas and Ferb solution, like an assassination, only has to be applied once.”

“Fine,” Candace said grudgingly. “If there’s a Phineas and Ferb solution, we’ll bring back all the stuff we don’t need.”

She zipped up the suitcase and stood up; the other two followed her lead.

“Thanks so much for this, Vanessa,” said Candace. “I mean it. You may have saved our lives.”

“All in a day’s work,” said Vanessa. “If we’re done here, you guys wanna go out and get something to eat?”

“Sure. Do you really want us to buy you dinner, or…?”

Vanessa waved that away. “I can afford my own dinner. It’s on me. I’ll buy you dinner.”

“Okay,” said Candace, sounding slightly disappointed.

Vanessa raised an eyebrow. “Did you want to buy me dinner? If you really want me to prove I’m not wearing anything under this coat, I can. It’s okay.”

“Oh, hey, you don’t have to do that if you don’t want to,” said Candace. “But like, could you?”

“Not a problem,” said Vanessa, already beginning to unbutton her jacket. “I’ve never been a very shy or modest kind of girl. I like to flaunt it.”

She opened the jacket wide, revealing her bare breasts to them.

“Wowww…” they both gasped in unison.

“My God,” said Candace. “They really are that perky all by themselves.”

“Can I feel them?” Stacy blurted.

Vanessa smiled. “Yeah, go ahead.”

Stacy reached out and placed her hands on Vanessa’s breasts, gently squeezing them.

“Still, I bet they look really good in a bra,” Candace observed.

“Oh, they do,” Vanessa agreed. “I wear a bra when I want a really good cleavage or otherwise want to show off more. I’ve got some nice and fancy bras on hand for special occasions, but mostly I like letting them breathe.”

They stood in silence for a moment as Stacy continued to squeeze and massage Vanessa’s breasts in a slow, repetitive motion.

“Stacy? You done?” Vanessa prodded.

“No.”

Vanessa gently took Stacy’s hands by the wrists and pulled her away. “You’re done for now. But remember our agreement. If we still have chemistry on the first day of school… if this wasn’t just a rush of wild and crazy emotions… we’ll see where this takes us.”

Stacy nodded. “Please, God, let us still have chemistry on the first day of school.”

“I’m hoping this lasts too. But we’ll have to see.”

They smiled at each other until Candace coughed. “You should probably put your tits away before we go out to eat.”

Vanessa sighed dramatically. “I probably should.”

She buttoned her jacket back up. The moment her nipples were out of sight, Stacy audibly whimpered, which prompted another smirk to play on Vanessa’s lips.

“I’d show you mine,” Stacy said apologetically, “but there’s nothing to see. You know that. That’s why we’re here.”

“Another time, maybe,” said Vanessa. “Let’s go, girls.”

Chapter Text

The next morning, Candace and Stacy set off for Jenny’s house, each carrying one of the suitcases Candace had retrieved from Vanessa, and Candace also toting a large shopping bag. Candace lifted a heavily-laden hand and knocked at the door.

Promptly, Jenny was there before them. “Oh, hey girls. What’s in all the baggage?”

“Ladies’ undergarments,” said Candace, “of the sort worn by women much more mature than ourselves.”

“We’re preparing to start wearing stuffed bras when we head back to school next week,” said Stacy. “Are you in?”

Jenny’s face lit up. “Duuuudes. I’m so relieved. I was just thinking I’d probably have to start doing that, and I thought I’d be going it alone. Thanks for thinking of me.”

“Of course,” Candace said gravely. “We’re in this together. We’ve missed you.”

“Thanks, guys. I’ve been pretty happy doing my own thing for most of the summer. But it’ll be nice to be a crew again. Come on in.”

They gathered in the living room and sat together on a rug. Candace popped the suitcases open, revealing many more of the diversely-designed bras that she had picked out.

“Whoa!” Jenny exclaimed, wide-eyed. “Where’d you get all these snazzy bras?”

“My friend Vanessa gave them to me. She’s never worn them, and she’s rich so she doesn’t give a damn. They’re all for us.”

“She’s a D-cup,” Stacy chirped.

“And as of right now, so are we.”

“Niiiice,” Jenny said approvingly.

“She’s a very nice girl,” Stacy agreed. “I got to second base with her.”

“No kidding? Over the clothes or under?”

“Bare tits. My hands all over them while Candace watched.”

“Kinky.”

“And we made out a little while Candace was gathering all these up. I like this girl a whole lot, Jenny. I’m really hoping that once we see each other at school she’ll ask me out.”

“That’s sweet, Stace. I didn’t know you liked girls.”

“Neither did I, until I met the hottest babe in Danville yesterday and she flipped a switch deep, deep inside me.”

“I gotta meet this girl.”

“You won’t be disappointed,” Candace supplied. “She’s hot, she is ludicrously hot, and her amazing boobs will be our salvation from torment! Let’s start distributing these. I also picked out some panties, if you want to try a more daring style of those as well. I’m wearing one of her G-strings right now.”

“Yeah?” said Stacy, genuinely surprised. “How’s that feel?”

“Like it looks: a bit like flossing,” Candace admitted grimly. “But also like I’ve got a really scandalous secret. Makes me feel dark and mysterious. So, we’re good to set up here in the living room, right?”

“Totally,” Jenny confirmed. “Dad’s at the museum, Django’s at school.”

“Isn’t this a great week? Wherever we go, we’ve got the whole place to ourselves. We gotta be sure to savor it.” Candace stood up and drew the living room curtains closed. “All right, girls. Who’s ready to dive in?”

Stacy pumped a fist into the air. “Let’s goooo!”

With every effort to act casual, like it meant nothing, Candace peeled off her shirt and dropped it to the ground, standing bare-chested before the seated Stacy and Jenny. Not missing a beat, they followed suit, and the three topless girls knelt down in front of the suitcases and began picking out bras.

“I think I’m gonna start with… purple,” said Candace, holding up a bright purple bra.

“Ooh, that’s bold,” said Stacy. “I was eyeing this aqua one. Same old me, always in blue.” Despite her words, Candace growled seductively at the aqua bra, which was blindingly bright in color and exceptionally lacy.

“I’m just gonna go with plain, basic beige,” said Jenny. “No frills.”

Silently, the three of them fastened their chosen bras onto themselves. “Here we are, ladies,” said Candace. “We are officially wearing our first bras. Full of empty space.” She looked down at the space between the bra’s cups and her naked chest. “But now…”

She tipped over the shopping bag she had brought, and many tissue boxes spilled out.

“Stuff them full of tissue until the empty space is gone.”

Silent once again, the three of them set to work at that. Minutes ticked by.

“Okay,” said Stacy. “I think I’ve done it.”

Candace glanced at Stacy’s quivering hands. “Stace, you’re trembling.”

“I’m nervous,” Stacy admitted. “I don’t know if I’m going to like what I see when we look in the mirror.”

Candace put a gentle hand on Stacy’s arm and smiled. “Of course you will. You look great. Shirts back on, girls, let’s see how well this works.”

Once their shirts were back in place, they marched over to the full-length mirror in the corner, and observed themselves in silence for a while.

“It’s a little jarring,” Jenny observed. “Most girls’ first bra isn’t a D-cup.”

“I think I could get used to it,” said Candace.

After another second of silence, Stacy started sobbing into her hands.

“Stace?” said Candace in alarm.

“I’ve never been so beautiful,” Stacy bawled. “It’s like I’m seeing myself for the first time.”

“Aw, Stacy…”

Stacy wiped her face and continued gazing at her breasts in the mirror. “I’ve never been… special. Never been gifted, never really excelled at anything I tried. Just drifting through life as a scrawny, flat-chested bimbo. I don’t think that matters so much anymore. Now I’m a busty bimbo, so… maybe they won’t expect so much of me. Maybe once the pressure’s off, I’ll be able to ease my way into figuring out what I’m good at. These may be the fakest boobs in the history of fake-boobdom, but by God, they feel so liberating.” She lifted her eyes to the reflection of her own face. “Oh, jeez, I don’t make a very good bimbo when I’ve been crying. Excuse me a moment… good thing we have a lot of tissues…” She darted away, and was soon heard blowing her nose.

Candace continued admiring herself, and Jenny smirked at her. “Liking what you see, Candy?”

“Loving it,” Candace gushed. “I could soak it in all day. You look good too, Jen. It really works with your body. You’re like a shortstack.”

“Yeah! Hey, Candy?”

“Yeah, Jenny?”

“All summer long you’ve been so preoccupied with ‘busting’. When Stacy said she was ‘busty’ just now, it made me wonder if there’s a connection? Was your determination to bust someone some kind of compensation for, like, not having any bust?”

Candace flinched. “I won’t lie to you, Jenny, I was really hoping nobody would pick up on that.”

“Sorry. Well… congratulations on finally achieving your big bust.”

“Hell. Yes.”

Stacy popped up behind them. “Ooh! You know what? I know what this look needs. One of these cases has some of Vanessa’s panties in it, right?”

“Until you start picking some out,” said Candace. “Then they’re your panties, my dear Stacy.”

“Yes! Good. I feel way too mature for these simple cotton briefs…”

Without hesitation, Stacy reached under her skirt, pulled her panties down around her ankles, and flung them through the air, where they landed on Candace’s head.

“Did… did you just take your panties off in the middle of the living room and fling them at me?”

“Wasn’t aiming for you, just… indiscriminately flinging.”

“I’m so sure.”

“Here we go! Check this out.” Stacy held up a vivid blue G-string. “Look at this, it’s just my color.” She spread it out, emphasizing just how tiny and thin the garment was. “Oh my goodness. This is naughty. It’s… menacingly naughty. But I can see myself in it. Maybe with a midriff top and some extra-low-waisted jeans that show them off.”

“The classic nineties whale tail?” Candace said eagerly. “Nice. That desperately needs to make a comeback.”

“I’ll just slip these on now…” Stacy pulled on the blue panties and walked back to the mirror. “There we go. I know I don’t actually look any different, but I feel hotter. Does that come across?”

“It so does,” said Candace. She continued checking herself out, then frowned. “Hrmm.”

“What’s the matter, Candace?”

“Mm, gosh, I don’t know. I like the front view, but I’m not crazy about my profile. The fake boobs are spectacular, but I still have no ass.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that…” Stacy said delicately.

“I know, I know, my ass isn’t completely flat the way my chest is… and the thong is helping it pop out a little more… but it’s not much to work with. It seems inconsistent, like, here I am with Vanessa’s great tits, but without the epic hourglass figure that ties the whole thing together. You know what I mean, don’t you, Stacy? She has that awesome pinchy waistline, and killer hips, and a great ass.”

“God, she sure does,” said Stacy, her eyes glazing over. “I want to run my hands all over her body and give that ass a big squeeze.”

“I really gotta meet this girl,” said Jenny.

Candace eyed Jenny suspiciously. “Yeah, you keep saying that, but like, don’t make any moves on her. Stacy’s got dibs.”

“Of course,” Jenny submitted, bowing her head in apology.

“Well, Candace,” Stacy went on, “I don’t think faking killer hips is as easy as stuffing a bra, but the pinchy waistline might be doable.”

“Right,” Candace realized. “Corsets are a thing. I could wear a stuffed bra and a corset.”

“I think you’re losing the plot, girls,” said Jenny. “We’re here to get the mean girl out of our hair. Corsets are a step too far. I couldn’t call myself a hippie chick if I let my friend choke herself with patriarchal undergarments like corsets. Heck, I broke my ideals already when I even considered wearing a bra. Hippie chicks do not wear bras, we burn them. But I’m doing this to get through high school.”

“Jenny’s got a point there, Candace,” Stacy admitted. “Friendly reality check: we’re doing this to be invisible. As long as we appear to have boobs, nobody’s going to look closely enough to pull at the thread that we don’t really have the corresponding waistline and hips.”

“Yeah… I know,” Candace said sadly. “It just bums me out a little. I want to be invisible in high school, yeah, but in real life I want to be extraordinary and stand out. It’s just hard to wait, I guess.”

Stacy leaned in and kissed Candace on the cheek. “We’ll be all right, Candace.” She held up a tissue box and tossed it high in the air, catching it. “When school is out for the day… when all the little brothers and sisters get home… I’m going to talk to Phineas and Ferb about how we might enhance this deception.”

“Ugh! What do you really hope to gain by that?”

“Who’s to say?” Stacy said simply. “At the bare minimum, they’ll probably manufacture some spongy material we can stick in our bras so we don’t have to buy so many tissues. Realistically, they can probably do way more than that. Things we can’t even imagine.”

Candace sighed. “Yeah, okay.”

“Yeah?” Stacy said eagerly.

“I admit it, it’s a good idea. If the boys can invent a better fake boob and spare us from setting aside a tissue budget, great, they’re worth talking to. But… you talk to them. If my brothers must be forced to think about what, if anything, is in my bra, I’m sure all three of us would rather we not do it face to face.”

“You got it, girl.”

“Anyway,” said Candace, crossing the room back to the open suitcases. “Let’s distribute the rest of these roughly equally, and then, as fun as it is to look like this, let’s un-stuff ourselves before we part ways.” She sighed. “We have to figure out how to make the transition between home and school. Our parents will know we didn’t develop D-cups overnight. They’ll forbid it, and it’ll all turn out just like last year.”

Stacy joined her and squeezed her hand. “This is a risky and fragile scheme, but the boys can help make it… less so. It’ll be worth it.”

“Yeah, I sure hope so.”

Chapter Text

Candace and Stacy waited silently at the Flynn-Fletcher dining room table as a school bus pulled into the neighborhood, releasing a gaggle of chattering middle-school students. After a few moments, Phineas and Ferb exuberantly entered the house, the summer-loving boys looking downright unusual laden by backpacks.

“Hey, Stacy,” Phineas said graciously the moment he saw her.

“Heya, boys. How was the second day of middle school? Any regrets?”

“I think we’ve got it in the bag. The ridiculously convoluted class schedules are much more stimulating than an elementary school day spent all in one room.”

“Oh, hey!” Stacy realized. “Yeah, I could see how that works for you. That’s good. So, guys, could I… talk to you in private? A little later? I’m having a problem I think could be solved with one of your classic big ideas.”

“Oh?” said Phineas, almost seductively. “The first big idea of the school year? Count us in. We’ll be in our room getting our homework out of the way whenever you’re ready.”

“What, homework?” said Stacy in alarm. “Right as soon as you get back from school?”

“Well, yeah. Once it’s all knocked out, we’ve got the rest of the evening free to relax.”

Stacy chuckled. “I might have known that mindset would actually work on you guys. I’ll be right up.”

“See you there,” said Phineas. “See you, Candace.”

“See you, boys,” Candace said glumly.

Phineas paused. “You okay, Candace?”

“Just sympathizing with Stacy’s problem. You’ll hear about it in a moment. Hey, guys?”

“Yeah?”

Candace held up her “World’s #1 Sister” coffee cup and tapped it with a fingernail. “I drink coffee now. Just to keep you guys close.”

Phineas beamed. “Love you, Candace.” The boys headed upstairs.

“Are you sure you’re up for this?” Candace asked.

“Sure,” said Stacy. “They’re not my brothers.”

“No, but they’re still eleven-year-old boys. How easy can it be to go up to them and say, ‘Hey, I need a boob job, any suggestions?’ Can’t be easy to say that to anyone.”

“That’s not exactly what I’m going to say,” Stacy said gently. She leaned in to give Candace another kiss on the cheek, and Candace absently gave her one in return. “I’ve got a good feeling about this. When we started scheming yesterday morning, I was thinking, ‘Wow, Candace is onto something. We really could solve this problem.’ But now that I’m committed to asking Phineas and Ferb about it, my thoughts are more along the lines of… ‘All our dreams will come true’.”

“I guess,” Candace said bitterly. “If you dream of things that magically disappear the moment a trip to the grocery store ends.”

Stacy stood up and kissed Candace again, this time on the forehead. “I’ll take care of this.”

~0~0~0~

Soon, Stacy entered Phineas and Ferb’s room, where they were working at their desks. “Hey, guys. How’s the homework?”

“Done,” Phineas said simply, tucking a folder back into his backpack.

Stacy stared blankly, then grinned. “You guys are off the chain.”

“So, what’d you want to talk about?”

“Right, right. So… I’m having a problem.” She paused, then decided to be completely honest. “Candace and I, we’re both… we’re both having a problem.”

“Okay. So you’ve said.”

“What it comes down to is… we’re a bit scared to go back to Danville High. Scared of… of a bully.”

“There are bullies in high school?”

Once again, Stacy was momentarily dumbfounded before breaking out in a smile. “Oh, you sweet summer child. You’re so pure, Phineas. I love that about you. Yes, there are bullies in high school. Not like Buford. When a high school kid acts like Buford, everybody’s just sort of ‘get a load of this dumbass’. No, high school has serious bullies. The abuse is verbal, the torment is psychological. It’s unrelenting and it makes you not want to get up in the morning anymore. High school bullies inflict enormous mental anguish. Me, Candace, Jenny… we went through that all last year and we don’t want to do it again.”

“That’s awful,” said Phineas. “Candace has never said anything about it.”

“No, of course she wouldn’t,” Stacy said sadly.

“Have you talked to any school authorities?”

“Regrettably, there are no school policies against strutting around like you own the place and making people feel inferior. If there’s no evidence of physical assault, the school’s hands are tied.”

Phineas nodded. “I see your problem. That is intensely unfair.”

“That’s the world for you, kiddo.”

“All right, I’m developing a plan,” said Phineas, picking up his phone. “One quick skim of my contact list and we can have, say, Love Händel show up at your school for a great big anti-bullying seminar.”

Stacy blinked. “So not what we had in mind.”

“You’re right, Love Händel is a bit old-school for a bunch of rowdy teens. How about Tiny Cowboy?”

“Wait, really? We met Tiny Cowboy, how did you get their contact information?”

“We network,” Phineas said simply.

“Tempting, but no.”

“Really? I thought they were huge with your demographic, but okay. How do you feel about Kelly Clarkson?”

“Love her, but no. I don’t want any kind of musician or recording artist showing up at Danville High to do an anti-bullying seminar.”

“N-no? No musicians? Okay, um… well, this one’s a bit of a long shot, but how about the Avengers?”

Stacy stared at him. “You could seriously get the Avengers?”

“Well, not all of them,” Phineas admitted. “But Ferb’s doing a Stark Industries internship next summer and texts with Mr. Stark now and then. I’m sure we could pull some strings.”

Stacy sighed and sat down on Phineas’s bed. “Awesome as that sounds, boys, we don’t want any anti-bullying seminars.”

“No? Why not?”

“We’ve seen our fair share of them. All they do is teach bullies therapy-speak. It gives them ideas and helps them embrace who they are… the bullying part of who they are.”

Phineas frowned. “Well, that doesn’t logically follow.”

“It wouldn’t in a perfect world, but trust me, it follows.”

Phineas shrugged at her hopelessly. “So… what can we do?”

“We’re being bullied for a reason,” said Stacy, “so we’d like to change that aspect of ourselves. That would put a stop to the whole thing.”

Phineas exchanged a quick, uncertain glance with Ferb. “I, uh… I don’t have any qualifications as a psychologist or anything, but I suspect if you brought that suggestion to a hundred school guidance counselors, every one of them would tell you that’s the wrong call.”

“That’ll be why we didn’t take this to a guidance counselor,” Stacy said grimly. “Getting the thing we’re lacking… would be so easy, so gratifying, solve every problem we have so we can get through high school completely hassle-free—and, here’s the important part, help us feel more like ourselves. Getting rid of the bully wouldn’t be doable, so instead of that… we just want you to help us be a little different. Can you do that? Can you go along with this and help us out?”

He hesitated. “What exactly do you want us to do?”

“Well, think about it. What do most teenage girls have, that your sister and I just… don’t?”

Phineas rubbed his chin as he looked Stacy over. “Hmm, that’s a brainteaser. I couldn’t possibly guess specifically… help me narrow it down. Is it a fashion accessory of some sort?”

“Well, no.”

“Is it… technological? Like a phone app?”

“No.”

“Is it—?”

“You know what, I don’t know why I phrased this as a guessing game. That was stupid of me. I guess I was just stalling. It’s… it’s breasts. The answer is breasts. Most girls our age have them, we don’t.”

Phineas glanced at her chest. “Oh, wow, you really don’t. I never noticed.”

“Of course you didn’t, because you’re a sweet and innocent little guy,” Stacy said affectionately. “But this really mean girl at school noticed, and all her cronies noticed. If we could at least fake that we have them, we could fly under the radar for the rest of high school.”

Phineas continued pondering the front of Stacy’s shirt. “And… Candace is having this problem too? Does Candace not have breasts?”

“What, you don’t know?”

He turned his eyes back to her face. “Well, I can’t say I’m proud of being so inattentive, but as it happens, it’s not a super shameful realization that I can’t accurately picture what my sister’s chest looks like.”

“That’s totally fair,” Stacy submitted. “Phineas… if we could enter the halls of Danville High next week sporting some kind of boobage… the reason we were outcasts, gone; the reason we lived in fear every day, gone… that would just be the best day ever.”

“Best day ever,” Phineas repeated. “All right, you’re speaking my language. Some might say manipulatively so.”

“I was very much shooting for manipulative, yes. It popped into my head and I was like, ‘oh yeah, that’ll teach him’.”

“Well, it worked. Ferb, I know what we’re gonna do today. We’re going to give our sister the greatest back-to-school gift she’s ever had: her very own… pair… of boobs.” He trailed off awkwardly. “Huh. Well, that’s a bit outside the range of… what we usually do.”

Ferb stared at him.

“I know, I know, wrong on so many levels,” Phineas said dismissively. “But do we ever pass up a chance to make our sister happy? No, no we don’t. Stacy, let me ask you a few more questions and we’ll get right on this.”

Chapter Text

Candace was on her bed, lazily scrolling over her phone without any care for what she was reading, when Phineas and Ferb entered, Stacy behind them.

“Hey, Candace,” said Phineas. “Stacy told us everything. Don’t worry, we’re going to take care of this.”

“How?” Candace said tersely.

“To be determined,” said Phineas. “We just thought we’d get you up to date on what we do know.”

“’Kay.” Candace sat up and scooted to the foot of her bed to be nearer to them.

“Firstly, we wish to rule out in the strongest possible terms your current solution of stuffing bras full of tissues. No sister of ours will be reduced to something so primitive!”

“Yeah, yeah. So let’s whip out the spongy material—”

“The more advanced solution you usually find in the world is silicone implants,” Phineas went on. “Now, surgery isn’t really our game. In fact, I like to think that with our tech we can make surgery completely obsolete in… what do you think, Ferb, thirty years or less?”

Ferb nodded eagerly.

“But, we’ll get to that when we get to it,” said Phineas. “I would imagine you’d want a more organic solution than cosmetic surgery, especially since you’re not quite done growing yet.”

“O-organic?” Candace said nervously.

“So, I think we’ll be tackling this body dysphoria issue from the source: your very genetic code.”

“Genetic code?” Candace repeated blankly. “Wait a minute, wait a minute—are you planning on giving us real boobs?”

“Would you prefer fake boobs? Totally up to you.”

“No,” Candace admitted. “Given the choice, I wouldn’t ‘prefer’ fake boobs. I’d much rather have real boobs. I just didn’t think you’d be… you know… willing or able to take this that far.”

Stacy put her hands on the boys’ shoulders and smiled broadly. “These guys don’t do things halfway.”

“Before we start building,” said Phineas, “we just thought we’d look around at a few things to see what we’re working with.”

Candace reflexively covered her chest with her arms. “Such as?”

Ferb held up a framed photo. “Here’s Mom when she was seventeen,” said Phineas.

Candace gently took the photo in her hands and stared at it. “God, just look at her. Clearly I didn’t get my sheer lack of a figure from her. Petite up top, but killer hips. And have you seen the cover of the Lindana album? Her midriff was legendary.” She passed the picture back to Ferb. “It’s not fair that I’m so… nothing.”

“Aw, come on now, Candace,” said Stacy. “You have a nice midriff too. I think it’s your best feature.”

Candace blushed and looked away. “Yeah, it is.”

“That, at least gives us some perspective on the existing potential we could find in your DNA,” said Phineas. “Another thought we had—one of the most valuable things in genetic research is, of course, twin studies! You don’t have a twin, but you do have an inexplicable doppelgänger, which is almost as good. So we looked into her.”

“Baldegunde? Ugh. What for?”

“Just for research purposes.”

“Take a look at what we found,” said Stacy. She showed Candace a news article on her phone.

Candace read the headline aloud. “‘Princess Baldegunde of Drusselstein photographed at her city’s public wetness maker in a daring bikini’.” She scrolled down to see the picture, of Baldegunde lounging around in her crown and a skimpy bikini of glittering gold. Shocked, Candace looked up at Stacy.

“There you go,” Stacy said quietly. “That’s what you’d look like with a real figure. Is this what we’re shooting for? I think the boys are onto something with this genetic stuff. They can give us this!”

“Excuse me a moment,” Candace mumbled. She drew her own phone as if from a gun holster and quickly made a phone call.

After a few rings, the confused and bleary-eyed face of Princess Baldegunde appeared on the screen, her head half-buried in an enormous pillow. “Yes?” Realizing who was on the screen, she brightened. “Candace! It’s been so long. You know, is middle of night here in Drusselstein. I am happy to see you, but you of all people should know my need for beauty sleep, doppelgänger bestie.”

“Don’t ‘bestie’ me!” Candace snarled. “When did you get boobs?”

“Beg pardon? Oh, yes!” Baldegunde tilted her camera down, displaying her breasts clad in lacy pajamas. “I have been blessed with the lovely bosom since last we met. Is so nice, yes? Do you… oh.” Baldegunde frowned as she looked at Candace’s chest. “Oh my. Well, this is peculiar. I thought for sure we were doppelgängers, and yet I have grown the beautiful boobies while you remain flat like American Great Plains.”

“Downright funny, ain’t it?” Candace said bitterly.

Phineas and Ferb sat at Candace’s either side, leaning close to get on-camera. “Hey, Princess Baldegunde!” Phineas said, waving to her.

“Eeeeee!” the princess squealed. “Phineas and Ferb! Do you know, my quirky worky little friends, constructing giant jukebox with you is still most fun day of my life. Candace, you are so lucky to build and construct with them every day.”

“Uh-huh. Sure.”

Baldegunde smirked at her slyly. “You don’t do that, do you Candace?”

“I do not.”

“This may be why you are wound so tight, bestie. Little bit of fun constructing fun times is good for the soul.”

“Princess, can we ask you a few questions?” said Phineas. “Candace is concerned about the way her body hasn’t quite developed the way yours has. Can you think of any environmental factors that might have caused that? Things that might be different between the two of you?”

“Hmm,” Baldegunde said thoughtfully. “Well, my environment is very rich and stuffy. I have thought: I know for very sure that people of Drusselstein consumes much more goat cheese than in America. Is this help?”

“Goat cheese?” said Candace. “Blecch. That’s so weird.”

Baldegunde tilted her head, puzzled. “How is weirder than cow cheese?”

Candace didn’t answer for a moment. “Guess it’s not,” she finally said. She went quiet again, then: “Your logic is unassailable, but I’m still annoyed. So you’re saying I don’t eat enough cheese? I’m lactose intolerant.”

“Oof, this might be your problem,” Baldegunde said grimly. “All the old ladies in Drusselstein urges the growing girls to consume much dairy for mature, womanly growth. Consume the milk products, develop the mommy milkers. You see?”

“Well, that makes sense in old wives’ tale logic,” Candace admitted, “but I’m a hundred percent sure that’s not how that works.” To Phineas, she asked, “Is that how that works?”

“That’s not how that works,” Phineas confirmed.

“Good, because I wasn’t sure at all.”

“Well, thanks for talking with us, Your Highness,” said Phineas. “We’re just doing a bit of preliminary research before putting together a formula to get Candace the body she wants.”

“Oh, my brilliant playmates, it shall be a great success,” Baldegunde said eagerly. “Best of luck to you. You will love having the boobies, dearest Candace. Ever since they came in, my life has been a whirlwind of photoshoots and product endorsements and many, many cute blond boys with guitars.”

“Wow,” Candace said disgustedly.

“Oh, yes, very wow.”

“No, I mean, wow. You know you got all that because you were born a princess, right? That doesn’t start happening to most girls just because they get boobs.”

“Oh, yes,” Baldegunde agreed, quickly developing a solemn demeanor. “Always I forget this. Must never forget to stay connected to regular girl in street. Must find that rush in life again of fetching my own hammer! For my legs, they are not broken!”

“Yeah, good for you,” said Candace. “I’m gonna hang up on you now.”

“Wait, wait! We have not spoken for so long. How is the Jeremy?”

“The Jeremy is fine,” Candace retorted. “I only need one cute blond boy with a guitar to be happy.”

“Oof, so lucky you are,” Baldegunde said sweetly. “I tell you, I have seen much things, but your Jeremy is the real public wetness maker. And he is all yours. He must satisfy you so good!”

“Okay, we’re done here.” Candace hung up.

“She’s so nice!” said Phineas. “I didn’t know you still had her number, Candace. Why haven’t we called her up more often?”

Candace glared at him. “That’s what you took away from that conversation? She’s a douchebag!”

“Well, we had fun building with her,” Phineas said quietly.

“Okaaaaay, little bit of excess tension around here,” said Stacy. “Boys, what have we learned?”

“Well… not much,” Phineas admitted. “Just a vague impression of what we’re dealing with and what we’re aiming for. So, um… with that… Ferb and I will be in the backyard. You know. It’s where we do our best thinking. Come on, Ferb.” The boys beat feet out of the room, eager to leave the tense scene.

“And I gotta head home,” Stacy said apologetically, “but let me know how this turns out. You gonna be okay?”

“I’m fine, Stacy,” Candace grumbled. “I guess we’re really doing this.”

“I guess we are. I’ll see you.”

“Love you, Stace.”

“Love you too, girl.”

Chapter Text

By evening, Phineas and Ferb had prepared something: a control panel before a tiny screen, hooked up to a transparent chamber large enough for a person to enter.

“Hey, Phineas. Whatcha dooooin’?” Isabella made her customary entrance through the back gate. “I wasn’t expecting to see a big project only two days into the school year.”

“Hey, Isabella,” said Phineas. “Well, we were gonna kick back a little this week, but this came up urgently. Candace and her friends need us to get this done before they start school.”

“And what might this be?” Isabella asked, looking over the contraption.

“The DNA Revampunow.”

“‘Revamp-you-now’?” Isabella sounded out.

“It revamps DNA. On the blueprints we called it the DNA Revampulator at first, but when we ran that by Candace she said she needs it now, not later, so… we rolled with that.”

“And why does Candace need somebody’s DNA ‘revamped’ so urgently?”

Phineas hesitated. “Apparently she and her friends haven’t… developed as much as their peers, and they want to catch up. To, ah… prevent bullying. I don’t know if that’s the best route to take for this problem, but…”

“Oh, right,” Isabella said knowingly. “Candace, Stacy, and Jenny have always been outcasts because they have no boobs.”

Phineas and Ferb turned to her in surprise.

“Everybody’s always talking about it,” she said defensively. “Jeez, look up from your blueprints now and then and take an interest in other people’s lives, would you?”

“Um… I’m sorry,” Phineas said blankly. “Have I missed something about you?”

“Me? Nooooo. Don’t worry about it. Just something for you to work on. So how does the Revampunow work?”

“Well, what we’re after is to change the subject’s body as organically as possible. At first, we considered simply using time dilation. According to Candace, the version of her we met in the future had a much more mature figure than what she has now.”

“‘According to Candace’?”

“Uh, yeah,” Phineas said sheepishly. “I’ve learned this afternoon that I don’t really notice women’s figures. Stacy and Candace had to fill me in, I never picked up on any of this myself.”

“No, of course you didn’t. Go on.”

“So we thought, okay, what if we used time dilation to give her that figure now? We quickly ruled that out, though. If Candace returns to high school looking like she’s too old to be in high school, that’s sure to have social repercussions too. And in the end, maybe even shorten her lifespan, and that wouldn’t be cool. So, not doing that. But it did give us the idea to incorporate a simulator element into the Revampunow. Observe…”

He pulled out a small tray beneath the control panel. “The DNA sample goes in here. The machine reads their genome and generates a hologram within the chamber, of what the individual looks like right now. Then here at the control panel, we can start inputting modifications. We can either have the computer simulate certain life changes and pressures to see what visible effect this has on the subject, or we can punch in specific aesthetic changes we want, and the machine can rearrange the DNA to make it happen. And then once the subject likes the results, they can step into the chamber for real and their DNA will be rewritten, but we haven’t gotten to that part yet. Would you like to test out the simulation phase?”

“Sure, let’s do it,” said Isabella.

“All right,” said Phineas, offering her a cotton swab. “Give us a real good cheek swab, if you please.”

Isabella ran the swab up and down the inside of her cheek, and it was inserted into the tray.

“And… engaging hologram.”

A hologram of Isabella appeared in the chamber, and the real Isabella immediately shrieked in horror.

“Agh!” Phineas cried out. “Turn it off! Turn it off!”

Ferb pulled a switch, and the hologram swiftly vanished.

“Okay, I’d better fix that,” Phineas said frantically, immediately beginning to type at the console.

“Hey, Phineas,” Isabella said casually. “Um… what the hell was that?”

“A programming error. I’m so sorry. I’m fixing it.”

“A programming error.”

“Yes.”

“You’re gonna have to explain that to me,” Isabella said with a tight, false smile. “Why was my hair so long and thick and, oh yeah, more to the point, why was I naked?”

Phineas winced as he continued to type, avoiding her eye. “I programmed it to show a hologram of what you look like based on your DNA. DNA changes with certain factors such as aging, but… of course, nowhere in the genetic code has it ever been recorded that humans trim their hair or, you know, wear clothes. I’m really, really sorry, Isabella. I should have realized.”

“You’re sure it was just a mistake?” she said suspiciously.

He turned to her, looking wounded. “Isabella, do you really think Ferb and I would violate you like that?”

Her face fell guiltily. “No, I suppose you wouldn’t,” she admitted.

“I feel terrible. It won’t happen again.”

“It’s okay, Phineas.” She leaned against him affectionately. “I don’t hate that you’ve seen me naked now. I always figured we’d live a lifestyle in close enough proximity to each other that it would have to happen, at least by accident, every now and then.”

He shook his head, still focused hard on typing at the console. “Not what I had planned. I should have tested it on myself first.”

“Well, I wouldn’t have hated that either,” Isabella said jovially. She casually strolled over to where Ferb was standing. “As for you,” she said under her breath, “I fully believe Phineas when he says it was an accident, but you, you’re a little bit more of a question mark.”

Ferb merely looked at her.

“You’ve always fancied yourself a bit of a ladies’ man,” she went on. “And, I get it, we’re in middle school now—we’re all curious and want to see stuff, if we’re not complete perverts yet we’re all going to go through that phase… but the line has to be drawn somewhere, my dude. That, just now? That was your one free shot. If I ever find out about a single other invention of yours that nudifies people without their consent, I will have to hunt you down and slaughter you like a pig. It’s the only way you’ll learn. Do we understand each other?”

Ferb gave her two thumbs up.

“Okay, good. Glad we had this talk.” She hugged him. “Love you, bro.” She skipped back to Phineas at the control panel. “So, what are we doing?”

“Just a quick rewrite of the program,” he said. “To mostly rely on DNA, but to also detect the subject’s current haircut and clothing and work with that.” He paused to think, then went back to typing. “And if the subject isn’t actually present, I’ll throw in some generic hair and clothing that can appear. That’ll just take me a second.”

He typed in silence for a few moments longer. “And there we go. Okay, let’s try that again. Give it a second to read you as well as your DNA sample…”

The Isabella hologram appeared in the chamber again, now exactly as she really looked at that moment.

“There you are,” Phineas said in relief.

“There I am,” Isabella agreed.

“All right, let’s give this baby a test run. Any suggestions?”

Isabella furrowed her brow in thought. “Hmm… well, how about this: let’s see what I’ll look like when I’m Candace’s age.”

Ferb began to input that data, but Phineas put a hand on his arm before he hit enter. “To be clear, your clothes will grow with your body in the simulation,” he said to Isabella meekly. “You won’t, like… burst out of them. I made sure to put that in.”

“Thank you, Phineas,” she said kindly. “You’re very thoughtful.”

“Eh, after a fashion,” he said with a weak smile. “Hit it, Ferb. Let’s age her up, four years.”

The hologram blipped, transforming into a fifteen-year-old Isabella.

“Oh, wow!” Isabella remarked. “Look at that! I’m tall. I’m really tall, actually. That’s kinda cool.”

“You’re thin, too,” Phineas noted.

Isabella turned to him, mildly concerned. “Is that a problem?”

“No. Just trying to notice these things.”

“Good for you.” She continued to gaze at Phineas as he carefully studied the older version of her. “All right, don’t notice too hard. It’s a delicate balance.”

“Right, yes, that makes sense,” he said, looking away. “No staring.”

“Well, I like it,” said Isabella, looking back at her future self. “I wouldn’t kick me out of bed, as they say. Hey, Ferb, what’s on that little readout on the screen?”

He tilted it toward her so she could see.

“Ah, nice, vital statistics. Height, weight, and look at that, even my bra size. Really covered all your bases there, didn’t you, Ferb?” She considered the data for a moment, then shrugged. “I don’t really know what’s average for a girl of that age. Except the height. I’m definitely tall. I like that. Um… bump me up a few more years, let’s see me at eighteen.”

Ferb punched that in; the holographic Isabella grew, not taller, but more full-figured.

“WOW!” Isabella exclaimed, awestruck. “Look at me now!”

“You like it?” Phineas said eagerly.

“I really, really like it! I guess the previous one was my awkward gangly phase. I really fill out after that. Look at those curves!” She looked at Phineas, who was politely looking away. “I mean it, you can look. You don’t have to avert your eyes.”

He looked at her nervously, still careful not to look at the hologram. “I’m getting mixed signals.”

“You’ll get the hang of it,” she said. “Like I said, there’s a balance. You want to notice women without ogling them.”

“Got it. Hey, I’m always willing to work on myself. Just another big project, you know? So, want to fiddle with the simulation a bit more?”

“You know, I’ll pass,” said Isabella, continuing to admire her eighteen-year-old self. “I really like what I’ve seen here of my future. I wouldn’t change a thing, and… I don’t think I want any future spoilers past the age of eighteen.”

“Okay. We’ll run more simulations on ourselves, then. We wouldn’t change our signature looks either, but I’m sure we can think of fun ways to test the system regardless. Then once we’ve tweaked it a little more, it’ll be ready to really change Candace.”

Isabella glanced up at Candace’s bedroom window, then made prolonged eye contact with her future self’s breasts, before putting a hand on Phineas’s shoulder. “I think you’re doing a nice thing for her.”

“I’m not so sure,” he admitted, “but I hope it really makes her happy.”

Chapter Text

Candace leaned out her window into the darkening yard, and saw that Phineas and Ferb were collapsing the Revampunow into a briefcase. “Whoa!” she called down to them. “What’s happening?”

“Sorry, Candace,” Phineas called back. “We’re going to have to shut down for the night and get back to it tomorrow.”

“What?!” Candace ducked back into her room, and moments later burst out the back door. “When have you ever had to stop working and get back to the same project the next day?”

“It’s a school day,” Phineas said defensively. “We started late. And we’re tired now.”

“Jeez, you guys…”

“It’ll be done tomorrow, I promise. All the hardware’s been compacted down into this briefcase, and all the software is on a flash drive.”

Ferb held up the flash drive helpfully.

“Even if somehow that disappears,” Phineas went on, “well, we’ve already done it once before. When we get back to it tomorrow after school, it’ll be faster. It’ll be done tomorrow, even if we have to take it from the top, I promise. Be sure to let your friends know. Have them come by tomorrow afternoon and we’ll fix up all three of you.”

Candace wrung her hands anxiously. “Are you sure you can’t get back to it after dinner?”

“Candace,” Phineas said kindly, “you can chill out. It’ll happen. It just has to happen tomorrow.”

Candace inhaled deeply. “Okay. Tomorrow leaves plenty of time to… adapt, and stuff.”

“We’ve got this, Candace,” Phineas assured her as he and Ferb entered the living room. “Hi, Mom.”

Candace jumped in surprise as Linda, reading on the couch, responded. “Hello, boys. How’ve you been?”

“Real good,” said Phineas. “Workin’ hard. What’s for dinner?”

“Dad’s making fish and chips.”

“Score! Come on, Ferb, let’s get this stuff tucked away someplace safe.”

The boys went upstairs, and Candace closed the back door, awkwardly wondering what to do or say next. She settled on a simple “Hey, Mom.”

“Hi, Candace,” said Linda. “How’s your last week off going?”

“Good. I have big, epic plans. I don’t suppose you saw what the boys were working on in the backyard all evening, did you?”

Linda sighed. “Can’t say that I did, Candace. Why?”

“Oh, nothing. They’re just working on a back-to-school gift for me and my friends. Wanted to know if maybe you saw what it was.”

“Aw, how sweet. Well, I couldn’t tell you what I saw if I had seen anything, Candace. I’m not about to ruin the surprise.”

“Of course. We’ll get it when they finish it tomorrow. It’s gonna be awesome. Um… hey, Mom?”

“Yeah?”

“Do I have any Drusselsteinian ancestry?”

Linda looked up from her book for the first time. “Drusselstein? Wow. That’s an obscure country. You almost never hear about them.”

“Eh, you’d be surprised.”

“Well… no, to my knowledge, you don’t have any measurable Drusselsteinian blood. Why do you ask?”

“Just wondering if there’s a logical explanation for why the princess of Drusselstein looks exactly like me.”

“Heh. Does she?”

Candace pulled up the photo on her phone of Baldegunde in her golden bikini and showed it to Linda.

“Wow,” Linda remarked. “That is a little bit uncanny. You sure that’s not a picture of you?”

“I usually don’t wear a crown. Or a bikini quite that daring.”

“And thank goodness for that. If it’s any consolation, I don’t think she can really pull it off.”

Candace shrugged and pocketed her phone again. “Well… maybe it’s not that she’s specifically Drusselsteinian, maybe it’s just general European royalty making her all super inbred? Any of that going on with me? That would explain my weird neck.”

“There’s nothing wrong with your neck, honey. And I can assure you that my family tree is free of any recent inbreeding. I… can’t speak for your biological father’s side of things.”

Candace laughed. “Ooh. Sperm donor burn!”

Linda winced. “Ew. Candace, I know we don’t like the guy, but can you please not call your biological father your ‘sperm donor’? We’ve been over this. It gives me the ick something fierce when you say that.”

“Sorry, Mom,” said Candace. “Sorry I brought it up. Sometimes I get curious about where I really came from.”

“It’s okay, Candace. Like it or not, it’s going to be necessary to mention him now and then. Medically, if for no other reason.”

“Yeah. Even if we don’t much like thinking about it.”

They looked at each other awkwardly for a few seconds.

“So, fish and chips night!” Linda said with forced brightness to break the silence. “Always better than any other night, am I right?”

Candace smiled genuinely. “You bet, Mom. Really looking forward to it.”

Chapter Text

The following afternoon, Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella were ready at the control panel of the Revampunow as Candace brought Stacy and Jenny into the backyard.

“Here it is, ladies,” Phineas said grandly. “The DNA Revampunow. It’ll revamp you now! Who’s first?”

Candace looked over the machine for a moment before turning to leave. “Yeah, I can’t… I can’t do this.”

“Candace, wait!” Stacy exclaimed. “What are you doing? The guys went to all this trouble.”

“Oh, as if this took them any actual effort. This is the equivalent of doodling on the back of a napkin to them. I’m out.”

Stacy crossed her arms sternly. “So what are you going to do, then?”

“Plan A,” said Candace. “I’m going to wear a bra and stuff it full of tissues.”

“Really? Did we not just move past this?”

“Candy, what do you think could go wrong here?” Jenny said gently.

“Historically?!” Candace retorted. “So many things! The machine could disappear before it’s my turn. Or maybe my body will go back to the way it was at the worst possible moment. And those are just the statistically likely outcomes off the top of my head. Based on experience, you know?”

“Candace…” Stacy began.

“What, not good enough for you? Okay, here’s one that’s a little more original: what if my boobs never stop growing? In a week I’ll have to carry them around in a wheelbarrow, in a month I’ll have suffocated to death, in a year they’ll have altered the gravitational pull of the planet.”

“Where are you getting this stuff?” Stacy demanded.

“I’ve had a rough summer, all right?” Candace said through gritted teeth. “I’m just laying out the likely outcomes.”

“Candace…” Phineas attempted to cut in.

“Wait, wait, I’ve got another one: breast cancer. Right? Because what are the odds that a machine to promote our vanity-driven desire for breast growth doesn’t cause breast cancer? Slim to none.”

“Candace,” Phineas said more firmly.

“What?”

“If any of that stuff that you mentioned happens, please feel free to sue me into oblivion. I’ll deserve it. Because right now, I’m telling you, I am guaranteeing, that nothing like that will happen. You will come out of this machine with exactly the body you want. No side effects. Nothing short of your expectations. Can you trust me on that?”

She peered at him suspiciously. “And if I can’t trust you, I can sue you?”

“I guarantee you won’t have to. So if you must: yes, yes you can.”

“All right, screw it, let’s do this thing.”

Phineas held up a hand. “We just… want to make sure that this is what you really want. Even if it is, we’re just not sure about this, ethically.”

“Phineas—” Candace said aggressively.

“I mean it. Look, I get wanting to just get bullies off your back, but… I don’t know, every movie about high school ever made says you should just be true to yourself. Except Grease. And The Breakfast Club. Those two movies mostly say that, but then they muddle it at the end when the girls get makeovers, and everybody hates those endings, everybody says they ruin the whole movie. Am… am I missing something? Is there any way you can get through this by just being yourselves?”

Stacy stepped forward. “You’re not completely wrong, Phineas, but try this on for size as a counterpoint: I think my true self… has a nice figure. I cannot express my true self right now without one. Would you make me go without the ability to express myself?”

“Yeah, I’m with Stacy there,” said Jenny. “That was… well said.”

“I’m sure you could manage,” Phineas said nervously. “Everyone manages to express themselves. Lots of girls forge a distinct style that incorporates being flat-chested.”

“The Japanese call it ‘pettanko’,” Ferb supplied.

“Oh, puh-leeze,” said Candace. “Don’t Ferb-splain anime fan terminology to me, boy, I was there when it was written.”

“Ugh, that short-circuited my brain a little bit,” Stacy grumbled, massaging her temples. “All my cousins in Tokyo call me pettanko, I’m so sick of hearing that word. Not. For. Me. It’s like… okay, maybe for most people the first thing they notice about a girl is her boob size, but I maintain that it’s especially true of people who watch a lot of anime. The subject comes up a lot. So, guys…”

“It just seems unfair somehow,” said Phineas. “You know, most girls in this situation don’t have access to the kind of technology Ferb and I can whip up.”

“That’s bullshit, you guys, and you know it,” Stacy snapped, stomping her foot. “We do have access to your technology. May we please have it? Just… please? For fuck’s sake.”

Phineas was taken aback.

“I’m sorry, you guys,” Stacy went on. “I wasn’t in a bad mood when I got here, but you’re really pushing it, guys. Please stop trying to talk us out of this. We need this.”

“We really do, guys,” said Candace. “Do you think Baldegunde was just being colorful when she compared me to the Great Plains? If I had a nickel for every top I’ve ever had that was destroyed, or taken away altogether, when an American bison tried to graze off my chest, I’d have, like, five or six nickels. There’s not much I can do with that even now, and the way inflation is going, nickels are going to be completely obsolete pretty soon, so it’s not worth saving up. I’m done with this.”

“Yeah,” said Jenny. “Heck, I’ve been done with this since last spring.”

Candace and Stacy shuddered sympathetically.

“Last spring,” Jenny explained, “the three of us cut our hair real short and went down to the bay in boys’ swim trunks to see if we’d get told off for sunbathing topless. Nobody said a word. We pretended at the time that it was just a big ironic piece of performance art about double standards, but the truth was that it just stung, a whole lot.”

Stacy realized that, with Jenny’s story concluded, all eyes were on her. “Oh, I don’t… I don’t have a third anecdote, I’m sorry. I know the rule of three is a thing, but, no. I’m just really sick of living like this.”

Phineas continued to hesitate. “Is it really worth going to this length just to… make your social lives a little easier, or whatever?”

“It’s not that,” said Stacy.

“Then what?”

“This is about our dignity. As women. As human beings.”

“Why is this so important?” Phineas pressed.

“Because!” Candace exploded. “When someone tells you every single day that you should kill yourself… and why… no matter how strong you are, you start to believe it.”

Candace stormed off, disappearing into the house.

Chapter Text

Candace sulked on her bed, curled up with her head resting on her knees, silent and sour until Stacy entered the room, followed by Isabella and Ferb.

“Where’s Phineas?” was Candace’s first question.

“Jenny is consoling Phineas,” Stacy replied. “He feels terrible for pressing the issue and setting you off. We figured, though, that most of us ought to console you. You gonna be okay, Candace?”

“I don’t know,” she said dismissively. “Is Phineas right? Should we be doing this? Is this all just vanity and pettiness? Would we be better off just trying to accept ourselves?”

“Listen, girl,” Stacy said, stern but gentle. “Phineas doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about. He freely admitted it the moment you stormed off.”

“Are you sure?” Candace said anxiously. “Phineas always seems on top of his game and totally confident and up for anything. If for once in his life he’s having doubts…”

“I know sometimes it seems like he can do no wrong,” said Stacy, “but try not to forget that he doesn’t know everything. In fact, he has major blind spots. Let’s count the ways: He has no idea where his platypus goes during the day. He’s completely oblivious to the fact that the cute little Mexican-Jewish girl across the street has the hots for him. He doesn’t know that your mom—probably the only person in the universe who doesn’t know that he builds shit and gets bitches—would go ballistic if she found out that he builds shit and gets bitches. He thinks she knows. He thinks she approves! And just yesterday he was dumbfounded when I told him that, yes, high school kids still have to deal with bullies. He could barely fathom it. Dude is profoundly naïve. Don’t feel like you have to heed his warnings.”

Ferb raised a hand. “I object to the implication that Phineas calls women ‘bitches’. He would never.”

“And he doesn’t get any,” Isabella added. “Trust me, if there were any other girls attracted to him, I would have noticed. It’s just me, and what do I have to show for it?”

“Can we focus, people?” said Stacy. “I had a point.”

Candace stared at her. “Run it by me again, because I didn’t catch it.”

“Phineas doesn’t know everything,” Stacy clarified. “There are things going on that he can’t possibly understand, and I for one am not backing out of this plan just because he doesn’t get it and thinks maybe we shouldn’t. Come on, Candace. He’s done pushing back. Let’s do this.” Stacy pulled her hand, but Candace still didn’t move. “Hm. Well, I’m kind of out of things to say, anyone wanna help me out?”

Isabella stepped forward. “Hey, Candace. I haven’t been where you are, but I get it.”

“Yeah?” Candace said doubtfully.

“Hey, I’ve been in middle school for three days. The pressure’s on! Everyone’s trying to be mature and sultry, but nobody really knows how.” She shrugged. “I dunno, I’ve been looking forward to this. I’m excited about puberty, I really am. I know it’s not exactly gonna be a basket of roses, but I’m interested in having more challenges in life. And I see a lot of good coming from it. For one thing, I think once I’ve picked up a few secondary sexual characteristics, that’ll be a great step toward Phineas starting to notice me. You know, once he’s developed enough to… start noticing that sort of thing. Plus, I’ve been itching to get the patches.”

“Patches?” Candace said blankly.

“Oh, sure! There are some you get just for going through it—the First Bra patch, the First Period patch—to help make the Fireside Girl experience enhance the general ‘girl’ experience. And there are loads more for dealing with the process and learning to take care of yourself and other girls. Important stuff. There’s the Soothing Menstrual Cramps patch, the Hardcore Acne Face-Wash patch…”

“Hm,” Candace remarked. “Could… could I get some of those? ’Cause I’m still technically in your troop, right? And I had my first period, like, three years ago. Can I get a First Period patch? Or does it not count because it happened before I was a Fireside Girl?”

“I’m not sure, but… I’ll allow it,” Isabella said smoothly. “Come see me when you have your next period and I’ll verify it and see that you get the patch.”

“Cool. Thanks.”

“I think you know what’s right for you, Candace, and I’m sorry Phineas couldn’t see that at first. In fact, could you give me some advice? I bet a mature Fireside Girl such as yourself is full of useful advice.”

“What’d you have in mind?” Candace said cautiously.

“Any period advice? I’m a bit apprehensive about it. Obviously. I’ve done a lot of research, but I feel like there are aspects that people just never talk about. Would you have any advice based purely on experience? Maybe an aspect you weren’t taught to prepare for?”

“Oh… yeah, totally.” Candace finally lifted her head and scooted to the edge of her bed. “When you’re on your period… be sure to eat foods with a lot of iron.”

“Iron?”

“Yeah. Because, you know, it is exactly what it looks like: you are losing a lot of blood.”

“And a lot of iron intake helps your body replenish blood,” Isabella realized. “Got it. That makes a lot of sense. Okay, I’ll spread the word. Maybe if I do my part, that can become one of the pieces of advice that people do talk about.”

“Go for it. Spinach usually comes highly recommended.”

“Ooh, neat.”

“So, I’ll just… come by in a couple of weeks and you’ll sign off on my First Period patch?”

“Totally. And hey, if it’s a really bad one, feel free to let me know so I can take care of you. I think I’d be good at it, I feel really ready to earn my Soothing Menstrual Cramps patch.”

“Will do.”

“And maybe I’ll bring you a home-cooked meal with lots of spinach in it.”

“Nice.”

Candace looked at Stacy, who looked dubious.

“What?” Candace said defensively. “I like new patches. They give me a sense of accomplishment. I don’t get that sense a lot.”

“Huh,” said Stacy. “Maybe I should become a mature Fireside Girl.”

“Maybe you should,” Candace said simply. “Oh, and hey, I wore a bra yesterday. Can I get that one too?” She grinned at Isabella.

“It’s a First Bra patch, Candace, not a Stuffed Bra patch. It has to actually fit.”

“Eh, there’s always a catch. Might as well proceed with this plan, then.” Candace stood up.

“Yeah?” Stacy said eagerly. “Are you ready to go through with this?”

“Yeah,” Candace confirmed. “It’s gonna be weird, so… let’s get it out of the way. We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us to regret it, right?” She turned to Ferb. “How about you? What are your thoughts about this?”

“He’s really looking forward to giving Stacy and Jenny hotter bodies,” Isabella replied before Ferb could speak. “And, all things being equal, he knows it would be only fair if you had one too. He’s been passionate about this project. He gets to build and program a computer, and design girls. It’s right up his alley.”

“Yeah, so I’ve heard,” Candace said grimly. “Let’s get to work.”

Chapter Text

Candace inserted her cheek swab into the Revampunow. Phineas looked up at her pleadingly. “Again, Candace, I’m really sorry about—”

“It’s behind us, Phineas,” she said dismissively. “Let’s just do this thing.”

“Okay,” he submitted, looking away.

The hologram of Candace appeared in the chamber. Candace herself stepped up to it to examine herself carefully.

“Hi, me,” she said quietly. “I like you and all, you’re just… not my type.”

“So,” said Phineas, “how do you want to do this?”

Candace took a deep breath. “First… show me what I’ll look like twenty years in the future. Like when we went there that one time. I want to see that again.”

“Okay. Age her twenty years, Ferb.”

After a quick blip, a thirty-five-year-old Candace appeared in the chamber.

“There I am,” said Candace. “Look at me, girls. Don’t I grow up nicely? I feel beautiful, knowing that’s me.”

“Yeah,” Stacy said tenderly. “Nicely done.”

“’Course, I can’t go to school looking like that. A thirty-five-year-old sophomore will raise a lot of uncomfortable questions.”

“Yeah, that’s what I said,” Phineas agreed.

“Still, we can play around with this a bit,” Candace said thoughtfully. “Hm… she’s a bit skinny, isn’t she? I remember my future self being a lot more voluptuous.”

“This is you if you aged twenty years with zero other environmental factors—which is, of course, impossible,” said Phineas. “You won’t look exactly like this when you’re thirty-five.”

“Environmental factors like what?”

“Well,” said Isabella, “the most obvious would be that you had three children. Ferb, punch that in, that she’s carried two or three pregnancies to term by this point. Three, I suppose.”

Ferb typed, and the holographic Candace became more full-figured.

“There she is!” said Candace, her eyes glinting eagerly. “So giving birth to Amanda gives me better boobs and hips?? As if I wasn’t looking forward to her enough. I love that girl.” She turned to Stacy and Jenny to clarify. “My future self, she… had a teenage daughter. Amanda.”

“Of course,” said Jenny. “You’ve always wanted to name your daughter Amanda.”

“She was exactly like I dreamed. I think about her all the time. She had two younger brothers, I assume one was Xavier, but, I mean, come on. Amanda.”

“Amanda,” Stacy agreed.

“Do you think the same Amanda is in my future?” Candace asked Phineas.

Phineas looked back at her very seriously. “That’s hard to say.”

“Is it?”

“I think it’s pretty clear that real life doesn’t operate on a ‘stable time loop’ paradigm,” said Phineas. “The messages we wrote in the past weren’t in the museum before we wrote them, and your future self didn’t have the experience of meeting her future self. I feel… I hope, perhaps unreasonably… that her timeline still exists out there in the multiverse somewhere, but if so, it’s no longer our timeline. Since we’re aware of that future now, there’s no way for our future to happen exactly as it did for them.”

“Right,” said Candace. “And so… by that logic… the odds of conceiving Amanda exactly as she was in that timeline… with all the millions of little cells, the exact two that made her… it could never happen. The odds are just too crazy.”

“Pretty much,” said Phineas. “Although… I like to imagine that fate exists, and is a factor in all the timelines. Think of all the comic book arcs where Spider-Man meets versions of himself from other universes. Even though they were born in different decades, they all have roughly the same past, most of the same personal connections, the same events that led to them becoming Spider-Man.”

“That’s very true.”

“Of course, we don’t really know enough about Spider-Man’s personal life to know how accurate those comic stories are to his real multiversal experiences, but, you know. There’s hope.”

“Right,” said Candace. “Hope that Amanda… that Amanda, from that timeline… might still come into being even if the circumstances of her conception are different.”

“Totally. It’s entirely possible that that’s just who your daughter is supposed to be. In every universe.”

“That’s comforting,” said Candace, staring off into space.

“Candace?” Phineas said nervously. “Wow, she really got lost in thought there. Where’d she go?”

“I think the talk about conceiving children reminded her how that’s done,” Isabella said in a loud whisper.

“Oh, right,” said Phineas, carefully inspecting Candace. “I’ll be honest, I don’t really see the appeal. In having children, yes, but not in, you know…”

“I figured,” said Isabella, running a gentle hand up Phineas’s arm. “Neither do I, but I think it’ll make sense in the next few years. You see the appeal in romance, right?”

“Oh, for sure.”

“That’s good to know,” said Isabella. “I think Candace is old enough to see the appeal in what comes… after romance.”

“Comes?” Candace repeated blankly. “Sorry, I zoned out for a second. What was I saying?” She adjusted her shirt collar. “Right, Amanda. I, uh… I’ll love my daughter no matter who she is. Of course I will. I’ll accept any Amanda. But I really liked that version of Amanda, so, I’m kinda… holding out hope that I’ll see her again someday. Presumably after giving birth to her, myself, personally, which is after… you know. So… yeah.”

“Yeah,” Stacy said sweetly.

Candace coughed. “Anyway, that was fun to muse about, but let’s get real. Can we reset?”

Ferb hit a button, and the holographic image returned to present-day Candace.

“Let’s age me up just one year and work from that,” Candace suggested.

“One year,” Phineas confirmed. “Let’s do it.”

After another blip, Stacy gasped eagerly. “Oh my God! Candace, look at you!”

“There it is,” Candace said in relief. “Baldegunde beat me to it, but there’s her figure. Mm, look at that waistline. It’s subtle, but it’s hot.”

“Well, there you have it,” said Isabella, looking at the readout on the control panel. “By the time you’re sixteen, you’ll have the C-cups that you’ll retain into adulthood, until they go up a cup size after your pregnancies. Maybe… maybe you don’t have to go through this procedure at all.”

Candace shook her head. “No. I know what I want. Give me D-cups, right now.”

Phineas and Isabella glanced at each other in alarm. “May we ask why?” Isabella said cautiously.

“By all means,” said Candace. “I’ll tell you why. Right now because I want my bully troubles to end right now, not sometime next year. I’m done. And D-cups because Vanessa is a D-cup and I want all the bras she gave me to fit me. I don’t want that whole exchange to go to waste. How often do you get a shitload of free bras that fit perfectly? I like them and I wanna use them.”

“All right, Candace,” said Phineas. “Ferb, enter us into active modification mode. Reset, then set parameters for D-cup breasts.”

Ferb began typing.

“He’s doing it,” said Phineas. “And the computer is compiling how to modify your DNA and hormones to make it happen… right now. Are you ready?”

“I’m ready,” said Candace. “Show me.”

Ferb hit the enter key, and the holographic Candace’s breasts expanded instantly.

“Nice!” said Candace. “And wow, look at that, it comes with that nice subtle waistline too. I guess one thing leads to another.”

“Guess so,” said Phineas. “Hormones don’t do just one thing, I suppose. Would you like to try maybe making your waistline less subtle?”

“Hmm… that is a good idea, but no. I’m gonna let that ride and see what happens, maybe it’ll get that way later.”

“All righty then. Where do we go from here?”

“Let me think,” said Candace, walking around the chamber to inspect herself from every angle. “Looking pretty good, and yet… hm… okay, I have an idea. Um… please try to forget that your big sister is asking this, but can you make my butt… cuter?”

Phineas smiled awkwardly. “Uh, sure, but you’ll have to be more specific. Cuter how?”

“Aw, jeez, how do I explain? Well… it’s still pretty flat. Which wasn’t a problem before, but it doesn’t go with the new boobs. So if you could make it… rounder… and… less flat… does that help?”

“Okay,” said Phineas. “Ferb is punching that in, and… appears to be averting his eyes so he doesn’t have to see the result, I think I’ll do that too. Starting with a very small change, let us know if that’s enough.”

The hologram blipped yet again, and Candace squealed with glee. “I love it! Nailed it on the first try. Nice job, you guys. Girls, look. Me with a cute butt. Can you even imagine?”

“Don’t have to imagine,” Stacy said wryly. “It’s right there.”

“It sure is. Okay, I’m ready. Can that be me now? Like, right now? Like, right right now?”

“Uh, hang on, Ferb’s coding something,” said Phineas, leaning over Ferb’s shoulder. “Oh, I see. Good thinking, Ferb.”

“What?” said Candace.

“He’s entering a little failsafe into your DNA. Since you were due to go up three cup sizes sometime in the next year, and are currently being modified to go up four cup sizes right now, he’s changing some sequences to make sure you don’t go up an additional three cup sizes after today.”

“Oh,” Candace said blankly. “Okay, yeah. That’s a good idea. Thanks, Ferb. I don’t… I don’t even have a snarky remark for that, it’s just a good plan. Wait, what’ll that do for my waistline?”

Phineas watched Ferb code for a moment. “I guess that might still surprise you.”

“Cool, okay. And will I still go up a cup size after I have children?”

“Probably. That’s just… usually how that goes.”

“Good enough for me. Are we ready?”

“We are ready.”

The hologram vanished, and the chamber’s door opened, slowly and dramatically.

“One last warning,” said Phineas. “As we’re being very careful to keep our bases covered after our first, somewhat disastrous attempt at a simulation… your clothes won’t change to match your body the way they did in the simulation, so with the, um, uh… slight expansion of certain areas that’s gonna go on in there, they might be a little tight-fitting when you come out.”

“Fine by me,” said Candace. “Let’s rock and roll.”

“All right. Get on in there, close the door real tight. Don’t worry if any bugs got in, that won’t make a difference.”

“Good. Always good to think about that. It’d be a rookie mistake, forgetting to take into account any flies and stuff…”

“Not our first rodeo.”

Candace got into the chamber and shut the door firmly, turning to face the others.

“Check,” said Phineas. “We are locked on to your DNA pattern. The vapor will rewrite every DNA molecule in your body, mutating you into the ideal self you have chosen. And we are go.”

“Vapor?” Candace repeated nervously.

She was interrupted by a harsh hissing sound as the chamber filled with a white mist, obstructing her from view. Just as quickly, the vapor cleared and the door popped open automatically, as Candace stumbled out, unbalanced.

Stacy rushed to her and caught her by the arm before she fell. “You okay, girl?”

“Yeah, I’m great,” said Candace. “I… have a very different body type all of a sudden. I think I have a different center of gravity. Gotta get used to it. Well… let’s get a good look at me, huh?”

Stacy pulled Candace into a standing position and backed away, leaving Candace standing alone out in the open.

Candace held her arms out for balance and kept her eyes up for a moment, before looking down at herself, then slowly bending her arms to reach back in and tightly grasp her own breasts.

After giving them a squeeze, Candace looked at Stacy. “This really happened. This is… this is me now.”

“How’s it feel?” Stacy said eagerly.

Candace shed a single tear. “I’m so happy, Stacy. I’m gonna walk over to the panel and hug the boys now.”

She took a few steps in the boys’ direction.

“This isn’t too hard,” she muttered. “I’m just more top-heavy than I was before. How do you like that? It’s not just an expression. These are heavier than they look…”

She took a few more staggering steps, hands still firmly clasped over her breasts at first before, as if as an afterthought, she held her arms stiffly at her sides.

“And here I am,” she said, finding herself within touching distance of Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella at the control panel. “Hi, boys. How do I look?”

“We’re probably not the right guys to ask, sis,” Phineas said dryly. “You look happy, if that means anything.”

“I’m really happy, Phineas. Are my hands trembling? They feel kinda trembly. Oop, look at that, there they go, all… trembling. You guys… you drive me crazy sometimes, you know, but you’ve really done so much for me, and this is the biggest, the best… I can’t even put it into words. Bring it in.”

Striking like a viper, she grabbed Phineas and Ferb and pulled them into a tight hug.

“I love you guys so much,” she choked out.

They hugged her back, and there the three of them stood in silence for a few moments.

“Candace,” Phineas finally choked out. “Your boobs are squishing our faces.”

“I realize that,” said Candace, only hugging him tighter. “I can feel it, you know. I was hoping we could get through this without you mentioning it.”

“Sorry.”

“Maybe your faces are squishing my boobs. Did you ever think of that?”

“Well, I guess our faces are the more rigid of the two, so, if anything’s being crushed… um… are we done here?”

“Yeah, we’re done here,” said Candace, breaking them free of the hug before immediately pressing her hands to her breasts again. “Ow. They’re really sensitive. Are they supposed to be…? Will they always…?”

“Gosh, I don’t know,” Phineas said in alarm. “If I had to speculate… they’re brand new… the process was instantaneous instead of progressing over the course of, I dunno, what’s it usually take, months? So… maybe they’re gonna be sensitive for a little while, more sensitive than they should be, until you get used to them. I have no idea, I’m totally guessing. If it becomes a problem, let me know and we’ll figure out what to do about it.”

“Thanks, Phineas,” said Candace. “I really appreciate how thorough you’re being about this. You usually charge into these things real casually, without a thought.”

Phineas nodded solemnly. “Well, this was too important. And we live to serve.”

Candace turned her attention elsewhere. “Isabella. Thanks for all the pep talk and advice.”

“You look beautiful, Candace,” said Isabella. “And look, your favorite shirt is now one of your crop-tops.”

“Little bit, yeah,” said Candace, running a finger along the patch of exposed belly beneath her shirt now. “It’s really cute.” She nodded, satisfied. “Well… sorry about that hug, you guys. I guess I need to learn a different way to hug people now. It’s a small price to pay—but enough about me. Stacy, let’s get you in there next.”

“Me?” said Stacy. “All right, yeah.”

Candace leaned against Stacy affectionately as they gathered around the chamber.

“Wowza,” said Stacy, eyeing Candace’s breasts. “That’s gonna take some getting used to…”

“Hey, wait until it’s your body.”

“Right. Um… you’ve got my swab in there already, right?”

“Yup,” said Phineas. With the press of a button from Ferb, the holographic Stacy appeared in the chamber.

“Okay,” said Stacy, determinedly staring at her holographic self. “New me. Let me think… what do I want…? Well, I’m on board with what Candace said, about wanting to keep the bras Vanessa gave us. That was a good gift. So, in that case, I should be a D-cup too. But… I don’t know, I feel like that would be a little bit… unoriginal?”

“I’m fairly certain Vanessa doesn’t hold the intellectual property rights to having D-cup breasts,” said Phineas.

“It’s perceived as a large size, but it’s actually below the average cup size in the US,” Ferb added.

“Really?” said Stacy. “Wow. God bless American breasts. I just don’t wanna do the exact same thing Candace did. Same bra size, yeah, but I want to mix it up from there. I have to think.”

There was a long silence as Stacy continued gazing at her hologram, until her eyes began to become dry.

“You know what?” she finally said. “Let’s see how I’d look… with the exact same body type as Vanessa.”

“The exact same as Vanessa, you say,” Phineas said thoughtfully. He looked alarmed as Ferb began typing frantically. “I… huh. Well, I was about to say something thoughtful about how we’ll have to put our heads together to remember all the details, but apparently Ferb knows Vanessa’s body very, very well.”

Ferb triumphantly hit one last key, and the demo version of Stacy developed a precise replica of Vanessa’s figure.

Stacy covered her mouth in disbelief. “I look so sexy,” she blurted out in a muffled voice.

“Yeah, you do,” Candace said enthusiastically.

“Do I? Do you… do you maybe think it looks a little too much like my head photoshopped onto Vanessa’s body?”

Candace continued admiring the hologram before realizing Stacy was looking at her. “Oh, you’re asking me? No, I don’t think it looks like that at all. I think it suits you really, really well.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t think I could stand to, um… maybe take a bit of the baby fat out of my cheeks, make my jawline a little more angular, or, um, you know what Vanessa’s got going for her besides her rockin’ bod? Lips. I could have lips like hers.”

“Whoa, Stacy,” Candace said in alarm, “we didn’t say anything about modifying our faces.”

“I know. I just thought, as long as we’re here…”

“I don’t really think you should do that.”

Stacy blinked a few times before weakly responding, “But her lips, Vanessa’s got these luscious lips…”

“I know she does, Stace. Look, it’s completely up to you, but for my money, I don’t think you should do anything to your face.”

“No? Nothing?”

“Just my two cents.”

Stacy said nothing.

“Stacy, you’re sweating,” said Candace.

“Little bit, yeah,” Stacy said in a high voice.

“Stacy, don’t freak out,” Candace cautioned. “What do you want to do?”

“I think I want to trust whatever you say.”

“Me? Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, that’s a little more pressure than I expected,” Candace muttered, “but… if I must… let’s see.”

Candace pondered the preview image, then the real Stacy.

“I think you ought to go with… exactly this,” she decided. “You like Vanessa’s body? There it is, to the best of Ferb’s recollection. It’s probably not perfect.”

Ferb held up a hand with his thumb and forefinger held an inch apart.

“Pretty close,” Candace agreed, “but not exact, so it can still be your body, your unique identity, instead of just a replica of hers. And keep your sweet face. I don’t want you to do anything to your face.”

“Okay, Candace,” said Stacy. “I trust you. I think you’re right.” She turned to Phineas. “I’m doing this, I’m doing what we see here. Final answer.”

“Final answer,” Phineas echoed jovially. “Step right this way.”

As Candace had before, Stacy stepped into the chamber and sealed it shut. The chamber filled with the white vapor, and Stacy emerged from it, her body altered to the shape she had chosen. Candace offered her a steadying hand, and Stacy brushed her hand against it gently. “I think I’ve got it, Candace.”

Candace backed away, and Stacy walked further into the yard.

“How do you feel?” Candace asked.

“Sexy,” Stacy almost moaned. “How do I look?”

“So sexy, Stace.”

Stacy carefully felt at her own breasts. “Ooh. They are sensitive. But in a good way. A really good way. My goodness… how does anyone with boobs resist the urge to just… grope herself all the time?”

“Societal pressure, I guess,” said Candace, shrugging. “They look at you weird when you do that in public.”

Stacy squeezed herself a few more times.

“I’m doing it, I’m looking at you weird right now,” Candace said pointedly.

“I don’t care,” said Stacy, now looking down at her body as she continued to toy with it.

“Do you have anything to say to Phineas and Ferb?” Candace prompted.

“Thanks, guys,” said Stacy, not looking at them. “You’re total life-savers, I hope you know.” She kept squeezing and staring.

“Oh my God, stop feeling yourself up!” Candace exclaimed.

“But it’s fun…”

“Jenny, you’re up,” Isabella called. She flipped a switch and projected a Jenny hologram. “What’ll you have?”

Jenny shrugged. “I’m not really deep in the trenches with this plan. I’d be perfectly happy with my body if it wasn’t for the bullying. I just want to make that go away. And now that we’ve moved beyond the bra-stuffing plan, I don’t intend to ever wear a bra. So I’ll keep this simple. Just give me… let’s say B-cups, in theory. But like… can you make them really perky and perfect?”

As they continued to discuss the matter with Jenny, Jeremy appeared at the back gate. “Hey, Candace?”

“Jeremy!” Candace said gleefully. She elbowed Stacy, who quickly snapped her hands to her sides. “Hey, babe. What brings you here today?”

“Just wanted to check on you,” he said, entering the yard. “Wanted to see how things have been since the other day. Looks like you’re having some success with your fake boobs scheme… you look good, actually. Is this a stuffed bra?” He reached out and pinched Candace’s breast between his thumb and forefinger. “Or… hm… no, that’s not a bra at all. Did the boys affix some kind of spongy material to your chest?”

“Oh, hey, that was my guess for what they’d do,” Stacy said brightly. “But no, they went a little above and beyond.”

“Yup,” Candace agreed. “That machine over there? Rewrites our DNA. Mutates our bodies. You’re fondling my real boob right now.”

“Gah!” he exclaimed, withdrawing his hand.

“I didn’t say to stop,” Candace said, somewhat pitifully.

“I don’t… I don’t want to do it in front of everybody.”

Candace giggled. “Later, then?”

“Sometime later for sure,” he breathed, staring at her chest intently.

“I’m digging it,” Jenny was saying. “Though it’s a little hard to tell when I have a sweater on if it’s exactly what I had in mind. Can we take the sweater off?”

“Um… yeah, we can do that,” said Phineas. “We have settings for that. But are you sure?”

“Yeah,” said Jenny. “I want to be really sure I’m comfortable with the shape and size. I want to be able to picture myself at a music festival, whipping my shirt off and letting the music take me…”

Phineas frowned at her in concern. “Aren’t you a little young to dance topless at a concert?”

“Only a little,” Jenny said defensively.

“Well, regardless, you should know exactly what you’re getting into,” Phineas admitted. “Let’s do this. Everybody avert your eyes, Jenny wants to take a quick look at what she’s going to look like topless. Isabella, make sure nobody’s coming down the street.”

They all turned away, Jeremy keeping his eyes firmly on Candace.

“So… do you like it?” she said hopefully, pushing her chest toward him flirtatiously.

“I said I’d like your body the way it is, no matter what you do with it,” he told her.

“And?”

“I underestimated you. I really like it.”

Candace gave a little squeak of joy. “I’m so glad. I feel really sexy now.”

“You should. It must be a good feeling.”

“Yeah,” said Candace. “Ooh… Jenny’s doing well. She does look good topless…”

“Hey, no peeking.”

“Just caught it out of the corner of my eye,” she said casually. “Anyway, you wanna take my new body for a little test drive sometime?”

“I’m all for it. You doing anything tomorrow?”

“I should be free. Let’s do stuff.”

“Okay,” he said. “I’ll pick you up in the morning, not too early.”

“Oh… don’t pick me up,” Candace said decisively. “Just come by. Let’s not go anywhere or do anything. Let’s just sit at home and make out. We’ve never done that before.”

“Can we do that?” he said nervously. “I’ve never thought about a date like that.”

“I think the days of needing a date to warm us up are behind us,” said Candace. “Let’s do it, let’s just make out.”

“Yeah… let’s,” he said, leaning in and giving her a gentle kiss.

Meanwhile, Jenny was emerging from the chamber, her body changed only slightly.

“Jenny!” Stacy squealed. “Looking good.”

“Oh yeah,” Jenny said passionately. “I could get used to this.”

“I think we all could,” said Candace, looking around at all of them. “This is it, girls. All the pain of the old year is behind us, and there’s a whole new world for us to seize. I’d like to make a few drawn-out and grandiose speeches to commemorate the occasion…”

“Mm, yeah, you know, some of us should probably get home in time for dinner,” Isabella said casually.

“Yeah,” Jenny agreed. “Some of us have a little more body mass that we have to feed now. If that’s how that works. It might be. I don’t really know.” She approached Candace and embraced her tenderly. “Thanks for remembering me, Candy. I feel such a sense of relief. We can get through this.”

“See you, Jenny,” said Candace.

As soon as she parted from Jenny, Stacy leapt upon her and squeezed her tight. “I love you so much, you crazy bitch.”

“Aw, Stacy… hey…”

“Nothing can stop us,” Stacy whispered into Candace’s ear. “The world is ours.”

“You’re damn right.”

Candace and Stacy kissed each other on the cheek and parted.

“I guess I’ll see you, Candace,” said Jeremy. “I’ll be here for you tomorrow.”

“See you, babe!” Candace waved goodbye to him exaggeratedly.

“So, uh, what do you want me to do with all those bras I picked out?” said Jenny. “I won’t be using them.”

“Oh, I don’t know. Bring them back to me tomorrow night, I guess? And then I’ll figure it out.”

“All right. Have a good one.”

“See you, guys.”

Stacy, Jenny, and Jeremy left the backyard and departed in different directions.

“So, I call that a pretty successful big idea,” said Candace. “Isabella, come witness me earning that First Bra patch.”

Isabella accompanied her into the house. “‘Earning’ is a strong word for that particular patch.”

“Hey, don’t be like that. I worked hard to get this far.”

“It’s kind of cynical, really. Assigning patches to those natural processes almost every girl goes through eventually, just so they associate those awkward experiences with the endorphin rush of earning a patch.”

“Hey, if it works, it works. I want it.”

They were gone, leaving Phineas and Ferb alone in the backyard.

“Well, Ferb,” said Phineas, “I’m still not sure we gave them what they really needed. But they knew what they wanted, and now look how happy they all are. I guess we’ve done good.” He nodded, satisfied, as Ferb simply stood there. “I wonder what happens next.”

Chapter Text

The following morning, Candace slid the back door open and leaned seductively against the frame. “Hey, hot stuff.”

Before Jeremy could reply, she grabbed him by the shirt collar and pulled him close into a deep kiss, walking him backwards into the living room until they hit the couch and collapsed upon it, Jeremy on top of her, kissing until they were completely out of breath.

When Jeremy lifted his head to get some air, Candace beamed at him. “Hi,” she chirped.

“Hell of a greeting, Candace,” he said passionately. “You’ve never kissed me like that before.”

“But I’ve always wanted to,” she said. “Is there anything you’ve always wanted to do?”

Instantly, his face darted to her neck, kissing all over it.

“Oh, God, Jeremy, that’s so nice…” she whispered.

That fired him up, and he began kissing her neck harder, even licking and biting it.

“Unh,” Candace moaned. “So I’ve got all these great new assets and you go straight for my neck, huh?”

“Always wanted to,” he muttered back between kisses. “I love your neck.”

“Suddenly I like my neck too,” she admitted. “Didn’t know it would feel that good to be nibbled on.”

“You’ve got a lot of neck to love, babe.”

“Think that’ll leave a mark?”

“Maybe. There’s a trick there, I don’t know how it’s done.” He punctuated that with a kiss on her lips.

“I feel really fired up,” Candace said eagerly. “I didn’t get much sleep last night because I was admiring my own body. Familiarizing myself with it, you know? Really excited for you to experience it with me. Here, feel my butt.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, give it a good squeeze. It’s really cute and squishy now.”

He ran a hand up the back of her skirt and squeezed, making her giggle.

“Nice,” he said approvingly.

“Isn’t it?”

“I don’t know what it felt like before, but yeah, that’s nice.”

“You didn’t miss anything, it was all flat and bony. It’s so much better now.”

“Hmm,” he remarked, continuing to grope under her skirt. “This is all… ah… this is mostly bare skin. Are you wearing some kind of thong?”

“Yeah, some kind.”

“Do you do that often?”

“It’s a new development. Testing it out. Might save them for special occasions; I still like the underwear I had before.” She reached down and pulled up the waistband of her thong to show him. “I do like the color on this one. Seafoam green.”

“That’s a nice color,” Jeremy agreed. “Goes well with your skin.” He gently ran his finger along the bare skin of Candace’s hip, making her shudder slightly. “I like your skin.”

“I try to take good care of it,” said Candace, reflexively touching her face. “For you.”

“Just for me?”

“Pretty much. A lot of what I do is… is just for you…”

He gazed deeply into her eyes and brushed his hand across her cheek. A shiver ran up her spine.

“I don’t feel very put together most of the time, you know,” she said quietly.

“I know, Candace.”

“Things always seem hectic, like we’re never on the exact same page… I never feel fully prepared for what we’re going to do together. I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time how I really feel about you, but it always seems like the setting is never romantic enough… like right now on a making-out date, it would just be kinda…”

They made eye contact again, and the breath left her lungs.

“…crass,” she finished.

“Candace,” he said tenderly, “you don’t have to be so insecure. Just say it.”

“Just say it, huh? Okay…”

They adjusted, sitting up on the couch together. Candace was silent for a long time. He was smiling, ready to hear it, but it took her a while to summon the effort to say it without stammering even slightly. Finally, she managed it: “I’m in love with you, Jeremy.”

She let that hang, proud of having successfully said it, before continuing.

“I have been since… long before we started dating. And for as long as I’ve known you, everything you’ve ever said or done has just… made it clearer and clearer that… falling in love with you was the only sensible thing that I’ve ever done. You’re the real deal.”

He leaned forward, pressing his forehead against hers. “I love you too, Candace. I wish I’d known you, really known you, before summer began. I could have snatched you up sooner.”

She kissed him. “So we’re in love.”

“Yes we are,” he said, smiling. “It’s official.”

She leapt upon him, kissing and licking all over his neck. He stroked her hair as she did so, and soon she drew her tongue all the way up his neck, across his jawline, and began nibbling on his ear.

“Mm, Candace,” he gasped, clasping his hands onto her lower back. “You’re all over the place.”

“Trying to be creative,” she mumbled. “I’m done with that, I’m just gonna jam my tongue into your mouth now.”

“Go for—”

She did it before he could finish, and their tongues tangled eagerly for a few minutes, until they parted, gasping for breath, drool running down both of their faces.

“I don’t really know if we did that right,” Candace admitted, wiping her mouth.

“Felt right to me,” said Jeremy. “Did you see the little spit trail connecting us right at the end? That was pretty hot.”

“No, I must have missed it. I love those. You know, in anime. Never saw one in person.”

“I know what you meant.”

“So, now that we’re all warmed up… after being declared officially in love… there’s something serious we should probably talk about.”

“What’s that?”

Candace once again took a serious pause, psyching herself up to speak without stumbling. Then: “When do you think we should start having sex?” She bit her lip expectantly, eager to hear his answer.

“Um… I don’t know, when do you think?”

Candace’s face fell. “Hey, come on, no fair. I asked you first.”

“I… I know you did, Candace,” he muttered. “This is a very important conversation and I don’t wanna say the wrong thing.”

She smiled. “Aw, Jeremy, I can only think of… maybe two things you could say that would be ‘wrong’. We can get on the same page, I’m sure we can.”

“You said we’re usually not on the same page.”

“I said I feel that way a lot. I’m usually wrong. You and me, we’re the real deal. So, let’s talk about when we should, you know, take it to the next level.”

“I… I don’t really know.”

“Okay, let’s try this: how about we go over some potential wrong answers, see if we’re on the same page there, and then we’ll try brainstorming some right ones. Sound good?”

“Okay, yeah, sounds good.”

Candace smirked. “You know, I actually kinda like that I’m making you nervous for a change.”

“Well, I never liked that I make you so nervous, but whatever floats your boat, I’m happy for you,” he muttered.

“Thanks, babe! Okay, wrong answers. Wrong answers to the question of when you and I are going to have sex for the first time. Right. One wrong answer would be… ‘right now’. Because trust me, as much as I am dying to sleep with you, not right this minute. We need to properly plan it out first. If you said ‘right now’, I would look like an early preview of the top ten animated panic attacks of the year, because I’m not ready right now.”

“Okay,” he said simply. “I totally agree.”

“Yeah?” she said hopefully.

“Well, yeah, I mean… come on. I’m not… I’m not ultra-eager to jump right into this just because I’m a guy, you know? I want my first time—our first time—to be a big event, a romantic occasion… one that we’re fully prepared for so I don’t screw it up.”

“You could never screw it up,” Candace said tenderly.

“I’m sure I could, but thank you. I’ll try not to. You had another wrong answer?”

“Totally, yeah,” she said. “‘On our wedding night’ would be a pretty bad answer. That would imply you hold to a value system I had no idea you subscribed to, and which has certain implications, and which I do not agree with, so it would throw our entire relationship into question.”

“Oof. Yeah, it would. Well, rest assured I don’t hold to that belief or any of the other weird crap associated with it.”

“Good, good. A gentle but modern guy, just as I thought. See, we’re nailing this. Totally on the same page. Okay, I thought of another wrong answer: ‘never’. If you said ‘never’, that would completely break my heart. What did we just confess our love for if we’re never gonna have sex, you know?”

“God, yeah. That would be a horrible answer.”

“Great,” Candace said eagerly. “So you’re with me so far?”

“Completely,” he said confidently.

“Okay. So we know what the wrong answers are. Why don’t you take a shot at a right answer? Just say what’s in your heart, and I’ll tell you if I vibe with it, and I’m sure we can reach an agreement.”

Jeremy rested his chin on his hands as he pondered. “Okay. Let me think. When should we have our first time? Well, Valentine’s Day seems traditional.”

“Ooh, that sounds romantic,” she agreed. “For our first time, though? That’s like six months from now. Don’t you think that’s a little too long to wait?”

“I absolutely think that’s too long to wait, yes,” he said with profound relief. “I’m so sorry, I hedged again. I was afraid of saying something that was too soon, and I overshot it.”

“Well, see, what’d I say?” she said, rubbing his back. “Speak the truth that’s in your heart. It can’t possibly be too far off from what’s in mine. We’ve got this.”

“Right! Okay. So… my next thought… let me know if it’s too soon, either way we’re narrowing it down… what do you think of homecoming?”

Candace thought about it. “Homecoming, eh? A big event we’re pretty much going to anyway, lots of potential for stolen romantic moments, a little less than two months away. I love it. Let’s do it!”

“Yeah?” he said, his face brightening. “You wanna go with homecoming?”

“I think it’s perfect. We have plenty of time to plan it out, but not so much time that we might start getting anxious about it. And we don’t have to think too hard about planning the date portion because the school will handle most of the event for us! Oh, Jeremy, you’ve made me so happy.” She threw her arms around him and pulled him close, kissing him all over his face.

“If I haven’t said it recently, I love you,” said Jeremy.

Candace giggled. “You said it for the first time like two minutes ago, but please don’t ever stop saying it. I love you too. We’re in this for the long haul, right?”

“Of course,” he confirmed. “We’re part of a big family… us and our friends, your brothers and their friends, it’s like a family. I don’t want that to ever end.”

“Awww!” Candace gushed. “You’re right. We are a family. How many children do you think we should have?”

She grinned widely in his face, and he blinked at her uncertainly.

“Unrelated line of questioning, right?” he finally said. “You’re not planning to conceive any children at homecoming?”

She didn’t answer.

“Candace!” he exclaimed.

“Sorry! Spaced out for a second. Wow. That keeps happening. The idea of conceiving, specifically, really turns me on for some reason. I gotta think about that. But, uh, I’ll think about it later, on my own time. No, we should definitely be safe and responsible at homecoming, and… points beyond, for the next five to ten years until we’re ready to have children. But then, like, how many?”

“In five years we’ll still be in college.”

“Closer to ten, then. Come on, humor me.”

He leaned back. “Oh, I guess… between one and four.”

“Hmm,” said Candace, snuggling up to him. “Does that include the numbers one and four?”

“Um… you know what, no. Four is too many and one, well, one would be no fun at all.”

“So, two or three,” said Candace. “I like it. I have two names picked out, so that really works for me.”

“Xavier and Amanda?”

“Oh. Hmm. Heard that through the grapevine, didja? Well, that’s not ideal. I wanted to tell you. But, good, we’re… still on the same page. Because we’re couple goals.”

He smiled. “Hell, we are couple goals.”

She leaned heavily against him. “You know how I mentioned I went to the future?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, I saw our children. We had three. Phineas says now that I know about that future it won’t happen exactly like that, but… Amanda was beautiful, I’m really hoping I see her again, in this timeline.”

“Was I there?”

“Well, I didn’t see you,” she admitted, “and… didn’t actually confirm that you were the father of my children, but come on, who else would I have ended up with?”

“Fair enough,” said Jeremy. “Can we… talk about something else?”

“Oh, sure, I’ve got all sorts of topics buzzing around in my head,” Candace said cheerfully. “I just thought it might be nice to talk about starting a family, plan ahead a little bit…”

“It’s fun to think about,” he admitted. “I’m just not ready to think about it very hard. We’ve got a lot of foundation we have to put into place first.”

“Okay. Of course. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be too forward.”

He took her hand. “You have a strong maternal instinct which is absolutely one of the reasons I’m in love with you. You have this way of nurturing that completely drives me wild. Just… you don’t have to be that yet. We’re still in high school. Let’s think about high school stuff while we still have the chance. Learning skills, keeping our grades up, always being there for our friends. Eating obscene amounts of junk food while we can still process it. Finding some dark secluded place to go after homecoming to have safe, protected sex with the person we love. The parenting stuff can be on our minds later.”

“So… my recurring daydream about Amanda being old and gray, and as her life and all her accomplishments flash before her eyes in her last few moments, the hope that I was a good enough mom to get a little bit of acknowledgement in the montage…?”

“That… would be something to maybe keep on the back burner for a while, not to dwell on so much now, but… definitely to embrace later in life, it’s a beautiful thought.”

“Okay, Jer. Were you wanting me to change the subject?”

“If you could.”

“Okay. I have a question.”

Having taken off her shoes and socks without his notice, she lifted a foot and wiggled her toes in his face.

“Are you into feet?” she asked. “I hear a lot of guys are into feet.”

He stared at her toes intently. “I’m not opposed to feet.”

“Go on, give ’em a little love.”

He grabbed her foot in both hands and started kissing it.

“Heh,” Candace giggled. “Ah, that’s kinda nice.” She reclined onto her back, taking up the entire couch. “Well, I don’t know if I’m into feet, I probably don’t care about your feet at all, but I like what you’re doing to my feet.”

He took some of her toes into his mouth, and her eyelids fluttered involuntarily.

“Hell yeah,” she gasped. “Suck toes…” Realizing he was watching her out of the corner of his eye as he showered her foot in affection, she smiled at him. “Are you making eye contact? Or are you looking up my skirt?”

“Can’t I do both?” he said casually.

“’Course you can. ’Cause you’re awesome.” She spread her legs slightly so he could see the seafoam green thong more clearly.

“Those are some pretty nice panties,” he said.

“Yeah, they are,” she agreed. “Kinda fancy. Again, I’m probably not gonna wear a thong all the time. Probably not even at every special occasion. It would get monotonous if you saw a thong every time you undressed me.”

“Yeah, better to surprise me sometimes.” He grabbed her, pulling her upright and smooching her passionately.

“Mm,” she sighed. “Is it me, or is you holding me close, chest to chest, a thousand times better than it was before?”

“It really is. You’re very soft.”

“I’m already starting to get really excited about homecoming.”

“Me too.”

“We’ll have a game plan by then.”

“Yep.”

“And we’ll make love.”

“It’s gonna be great.”

“You know what else we should do?” Candace said suddenly. “To prepare?”

“Mm, what?”

“We should run for homecoming court! We can try to be elected prince and princess. We can’t really get elected together since we’re in different grades, but hey, that just means it’ll be more impressive when we both get picked.”

He smiled. “Sounds fun, but what happened to you wanting to be invisible at school?”

“Plans change. Under my original plan, any scrutiny would have outed me as a bra-stuffer, so I would’ve had to keep my head down. Not gonna happen now. Careful examination will prove that I’m totally real. I think maybe I could even dare to be… popular.”

He rested his forehead against hers again. “I think you could.”

“Thanks,” she said, somewhat flustered. “So… yeah. Let’s do that once we get to school. Let’s campaign to be a homecoming prince and princess.”

“For sure,” he said. “Can I… can I request something?”

“Of course.”

“Can I try a bit of that ‘scrutiny’ and ‘careful examination’ you were talking about?”

She took a moment to process that, then grinned. “Jeremy… did you just ask to see my boobs?”

“I did, yes.”

“Smooth segue, my guy,” she said, genuinely impressed. “Just for that, sure! I’m gonna take my top off.”

Jeremy pumped his fist triumphantly as Candace stood up and prepared herself.

“You first,” she said.

“You’ve seen me without a shirt before.”

“And I pretty much want to see it all the time. Show me what you’ve got.”

Jeremy nodded and began removing his shirt. “I don’t work out or anything, I don’t think I’m all that impressive, really…”

“You’re not, but it’s the principle of the thing. You’re beautiful on the inside, and confident, and fun to be around. That’s what makes everybody want to see you shirtless.”

“Everybody?”

“Sometimes when you show up at a party, people pass around a petition in the hopes of making you take your shirt off.”

“Hmm. None of those have ever gotten back to me.”

“Well, granted, they don’t really get a decent amount of signatures. But we’re getting off-topic. I’ll whip out my new girls, shall I?” She removed her shirt, leaving her in a plain white bra, and struck a few poses. “Here I am. Introducing the new Candace Flynn, who wears a bra. That’s the new normal.”

“Looking good,” he said enthusiastically. “Can I unhook it?”

“Ooh, good idea. Yeah.”

He wrapped his arms around her and fiddled with her bra for a moment. “I have no idea what I’m doing,” he admitted.

“I’ll turn around.”

She turned her back to him, and he examined the bra’s hooks. “Ah, okay,” he said, easily unhooking it with one hand. “Well, that was easier than people say. I know how to do that now.”

“Yay!” She turned back to him and let the bra fall to the ground.

Jeremy took a deep, calming breath, in and out, as he stared, captivated, at her bare breasts. Finally, he looked up at her face. “They’re beautiful.”

“Thanks, I picked them out myself.”

“It’s… weird that that’s actually true. I guess that’s the sort of thing people say in your brothers’ world.”

“As of now, yeah.”

She started kissing him, then pushed him down onto his back and clambered atop him, her bare chest pressed against his, kissing him ferociously and hungrily for several minutes before slowing down, kissing him gently and comfortingly, until she got tired and rested her head on his chest.

“Jeremy?” she whispered.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for letting me be so open and honest today. I sometimes feel like… like I can’t do that. I don’t think I’ll feel like that around you anymore.”

He stroked her hair again. “It’s hard to imagine anything can bring you down, once you’ve told that special someone that you love them.”

“And that you want to have sex with them and, eventually, have babies with them.”

“You can tell me anything, Candace, if that wasn’t clear by now.”

“Hmm. Well, then can I say one more thing? Something I’ve always wanted to tell you, but… I’m not even sure girls can tell guys this sort of thing…”

“Please. Tell me.”

She scooted up so she could look at his face. “You make me… soaking wet… down there. Maybe not as wet as when I’m reading erotic novels about fairies… those are in vogue right now, if you didn’t know… but you’ve always made me wet, and with all the heavy petting we’ve done so far today, you’re very close to making me… as wet as I get when I read those books.”

He gulped, his mouth having gone dry. “That’s insanely hot, Candace. Girls should definitely be allowed to tell guys that.”

She grinned, pleased with herself. “How about you? Do I make you hard?”

“Oh, for sure, all the time.”

“When I flirt with you when you’re at your job, do you ever have to try to cover it up while you’re working?”

“That’s been known to happen, yeah.”

“Well, now that we tell each other everything, definitely tell me about that when it happens. I want to know. It’s flattering.”

“Yes, Candace.”

“Are you hard right now? Can I touch it?”

“Um… if you want a preview, move your thigh just a little bit and you should be able to feel.”

Nodding eagerly, she pressed one of her thighs against his crotch. “Ooh! I feel it. How very tantalizing. But you don’t want me to touch it with my hands?”

“Not today. Another time.”

“Okay, babe. I love you.”

“Love you too. Thanks for understanding.”

“Totally,” said Candace. “We’re both jumping into this blind. There are advantages I can see to being with someone who has experience, but a couple who both have no idea what they’re doing has a certain romantic charm to it too. One day at a time, my dear Jeremy. Want me to dangle my boobs into your mouth while you lie there?”

“I cannot say ‘yes’ strongly enough.”

“Okay, I’m gonna do that.”

Chapter Text

Candace lay flat on her back in her bed, holding her phone up over her head. Stacy was onscreen, and they both waited, almost holding their breath, for Vanessa to appear alongside her.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Vanessa.”

“Hi, girls. What’s up?”

“Big things have happened since last time we saw you!” Candace said excitedly. “We wanted to get you caught up.”

“Mkay.”

“So… Stacy talked to Phineas and Ferb, like she said she would. And… well, they do have a way of cutting out the middleman. They whipped up a machine that let us modify our bodies, so, we have real boobs now.”

“Ah,” said Vanessa, her eyes gleaming. “I might have known those guys would have the complete solution. Very cool. Can I take a look?”

Candace tilted her phone to get her breasts in the frame.

“Aww, you look good,” said Vanessa. “Stacy?”

Nervously, Stacy sat up straighter to get hers in the shot.

“Like night and day,” Vanessa said approvingly. “You guys look fantastic. Well, now that you have everything you ever dreamed of, what are you gonna do?”

Candace laughed. “So not everything we ever dreamed of. But definitely a quality-of-life improvement. We’re gonna go back to school, and… maybe not try to be so invisible, now that there’s no chance of being busted for being phonies. We’re not phonies. We’re real and we’re spectacular.”

“It’s liberating,” Stacy said passionately. “And I don’t have to carry a purse anymore, I can just tuck all my extra little doodads into my bra and cleavage, it’s awesome.” She paused awkwardly. “I don’t have much stuff to carry, there’s always a lot of empty space in my purse, so… it’s good to be free of that.”

“Nice one, Stacy,” said Vanessa.

“So,” Candace went on, “we’re the same boob size as you now, because we wanted to keep the bras you gave us. If that’s okay.”

“Totally fine,” said Vanessa. “Heck, I tend to be the bustiest girl in any given room. I love my boobs, but it gets a bit lonely. It’ll be neat to have some other D-cups around.”

“That’s the spirit,” Candace said jovially. “Our friend Jenny, though, she went a bit smaller, so she returned to me the one-third of your bras that we set aside for her. Do you want those back?”

“Don’t even worry about it. Divide them amongst yourselves.”

“Okay. How about the suitcases?”

“Um… yeah, actually, I will be needing my suitcases back. But there’s no rush. Bring them back around whenever you can.”

“We really appreciate the gifts, Vanessa,” said Stacy. “It means the world to us.” To demonstrate, she pulled aside the neckline of her shirt to display the bra strap on her shoulder.

“No trouble at all,” Vanessa said warmly. “Is anything else going on that I should know?”

“No,” said Candace. “We just wanted to check in real quick, and update you on your investment.”

Vanessa gave them a thumbs-up. “Thanks for the update. I guess I’ll be seeing you guys at school.”

“You bet.”

“I mean it,” Vanessa said seriously. “I don’t mean like, hey, maybe we’ll run into each other purely by accident like we occasionally have over the summer. I mean let’s meet up and hang out on a regular basis.”

Candace beamed, flattered. “Yeah. Let’s.”

“I’ll get the ball rolling: I’ll drop by the sophomore lockers on Monday morning to check in on you guys.”

“Thanks, Vanessa.”

“Happy to do it. Hey, Stacy?”

“Yeah?” Stacy replied.

Vanessa pointed to her own face. “Still like what you see?”

“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

“Good. Me too. I’ll see you Monday.” Vanessa hung up.

“She’s gonna ask you out on Monday,” Candace teased.

“She is so going to ask me out on Monday,” Stacy agreed eagerly. “I’d better dress up real nice and be presentable for her.”

“You weren’t planning on being presentable on the first day of school anyway?”

“Well… I mean… that’s a good point. So, hey, how was the ‘just making out’ date with Jeremy yesterday??”

“Oh my God,” Candace said eagerly, sitting up. “Single hottest day of my life. We lounged around on the couch for hours doing… stuff. New stuff.”

“What kind of new stuff?”

“Mm, so much. Lots of passionate kissing, for one. Early on he sucked on my neck, and then a bit later I had him suck my toes… both kind of interesting… and after that he sucked my boobs, which was incredible…”

“So, I’m hearing that Jeremy sucks? In a good way?”

“In the best way. It was masterful. It takes a real man, who really loves his woman, to suck like that. I hope someday soon I can return the favor and achieve that level of sucking. He deserves it.”

“That’s… strangely adorable.”

“Yeah,” Candace said sweetly. “We didn’t go too far. Kept our pants on, though he got a pretty good look at mine; I was wearing the seafoam green thong.”

“Ooh, I like that one. Very pretty.”

“So, still lots of exploration to look forward to.” Candace examined her reflection in her bedroom mirror. “Hm… he doesn’t seem to have left any visible marks on my neck. I’d better look that up.”

“Look what up, how hickeys happen?”

“Yeah. I need to look up how hickeys happen. He went ham on my neck and you can’t even tell. I want that badge of honor, damn it.”

“There’s room for plenty of badges on that neck,” Stacy joked.

“Okay, new rule,” Candace said firmly. “Jokes about my neck are only funny when Jeremy makes them.”

“Sorry.”

“You’re good.”

“Does that mean you’re not allowed to joke about your neck either?”

“Sure, why not. I could stand to be a little less self-deprecating. It might put more positive energy out there in the universe. Anyway, yeah, it was a hot date. Jeremy is a very generous… lover, if ‘lover’ isn’t too intense of a word. We haven’t made love yet. But ‘kisser’ isn’t intense enough at this juncture. He’s a generous maker-outer.”

“Nice,” Stacy approved.

“We were together for a few hours, like I said, and it wasn’t all physical, we had all sorts of romantic and meaningful conversations. I… early on, I told him I love him. Not just that, but that I’ve always loved him. And he said it back. Said he wishes he’d known me sooner so he could love me sooner.”

“Wow. That must have felt so good. I bet it took your breath away.”

“It did, it did. And that was only the start. It made everything after just so much sexier, so much more romantic. When it was all done and he went home, I had to take a good, long, romantic bath with myself to relax and unwind.”

“Mmmmm, I’ll bet you did. How did that go?”

“Oh, it was fabulous,” Candace chirped. “Candles, music, fresh memories of Jeremy being all over me. Epic bath time. Multiple epic times.”

“That’s awesome, Candace.”

“I hope I was generous, too,” she said thoughtfully. “I hope he had to crank one out when he got home.”

“Like, in the bath?”

“I don’t… I don’t think boys can do it in the bath. I think that would… pollute the water.”

“Oh, right. Ew. Well, they’re missing out, it’s the best.”

“It’s the best,” Candace gushed. “You know what it makes me wanna do? Take a bath with Jeremy. I don’t know where we’d find a big enough tub.”

“I bet Vanessa’s mom’s place has big tubs,” Stacy said thoughtfully. She stared off into space, suddenly silent.

“Picturing Vanessa in the bath?” Candace guessed.

“Can you even imagine? She must look fantastic when she’s wet and naked.”

“She’s real and she’s spectacular,” Candace said brightly. “But so are you, pal.”

“Yeah,” Stacy agreed, smirking. “I look damn good taking a bath now too.”

They went silent again.

“What’s on your mind, Stace?”

“Not gonna lie, I’m… probably gonna take a bath pretty soon, that’s in my head now. A nice, long, steamy one.”

“Go for it,” Candace encouraged. “Fantasize about Vanessa. I know I grumbled a bit, but I really do like how you met and just went gaga for each other right away. It’s a good look. You guys are cute together.”

“Thanks, I’m feeling pretty good about it,” Stacy said smugly. “I know we’re not together yet, but I mean, come on. We have vibes.”

“I hope she’s got something awesome planned for you.”

“I’m sure she does. She seems really cool. How about you? Anything going on the rest of the weekend?”

“Nah,” said Candace. “All I wanted to achieve this week was to get my hands on some bras, and with great help from some awesome people, we’ve accomplished a lot more than that. I’m gonna give myself the weekend off and just sit around.”

“Go for it, girl. See you Monday.”

“Later, Stace. You’re the best.”

With a quiet beep, their call ended.

Chapter Text

On Monday, Candace cheerfully bounced down the stairs and made a beeline for the coffee pot. There in the kitchen, Linda had some breakfast ready.

“Good morning, Candace.”

“Hiya, Mom. Ooh, muffins.”

“Don’t just eat muffins for breakfast, dear,” Linda said sternly. “Get some protein in you.”

“Yes, Mom.”

“Dig into those scrambled eggs before they get cold.”

“Don’t mind if I do. Thanks, Mom.”

As her coffee brewed, Candace scooped some scrambled eggs onto her plate, along with strips of bacon and a large pile of muffins. She ate in silence for a while, as Linda got a cup of coffee from a different coffee maker.

“Nice job on breakfast, Mom,” Candace finally said. “I’m gonna try to get to school early.”

“Ooh. Somebody’s excited to get back to school?”

“I am, actually,” she said pleasantly. “I’ve got this in the bag.”

Candace hefted her backpack and began to walk away.

“Hang on just one minute!” Linda declared.

She turned back casually. “What?”

“What is that, a padded bra or something?”

Candace rolled her eyes. “Oh, get real, Mom. It’s clearly not a padded bra.”

“Or something, then,” said Linda. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m not ‘doing’ anything, Mom. I just have boobs now.”

Linda scowled. “You’re telling me those just came in, did they? Sometime in, what, the past week?”

“When else?”

“Candace, I know you’re insecure about your figure, but I really can’t abide by you wearing fake boobs to school. Take ’em out.”

Candace pulled her shirt up, displaying her bare breasts. Linda froze in shock. Candace let that sink in for a moment before calmly rolling her shirt back down.

“I stand corrected,” Linda said blankly. “Those are clearly your real boobs. Huh. How about that?”

“I’ve had them for almost a week. I’ll have to deduct some mom points for not noticing until now.”

“And they just… sprouted? Less than a week ago?”

“You got any other explanation?”

Linda’s eyes finally turned back up to Candace’s face. “I’m not sure how necessary it was for you to flash me, dear.”

Candace smiled tightly. “You and I don’t have the healthiest relationship with anecdotal evidence. If I’ve learned anything this summer, it’s that you have a thing for physical proof, proof you can perceive with your own senses. And for once, I had some.”

“I guess you did,” said Linda, still slightly shocked. “Those are definitely real. Congratulations, I guess. You’ve been moping about not having breasts for a very long time. How’s it feel?”

Candace’s smile turned genuine. “Pretty good, thanks.”

“They’re just… shockingly big to have grown in less than a week.”

“Yeah, I know. I guess these things happen sometimes.”

Linda managed a smile of her own. “Well, you look great, Candace. I’m sorry I assumed you were up to something. Would you like me to take you out bra shopping after school?”

“Already taken care of,” Candace said smoothly. “Went with my friends.”

Her smile faltered. “So you have bras?”

“Yep. D-cups, if you want to know.”

“In that case, would you consider, perhaps… wearing a bra to school today?”

“I considered it. Weighed all the pros and cons. Decided against it.”

“Okay, just thought I’d ask,” Linda said weakly.

“I’d better run, Mom. Love you.”

“Did you drink your Wilkins Coffee?”

Candace rolled her eyes again. “No, Mom, I don’t like the discontinued antique coffee you got in DC. I drank my coffee. It’s French.”

“All right, Candace, but be careful out there. Strange things happen to people who don’t drink Wilkins.”

“Yes, so you’ve told me.”

Chapter Text

Candace pulled into Danville High on her bike, and locked it up at the front door. She made her way down the grand halls, through crowds and throngs of other teens, to the corner of the school lined with the sophomore students’ lockers, finding the one she had been assigned, where she hung up her backpack and withdrew the first few books she’d need for the day.

“Heya, Candace.”

Candace turned. “Hi, Vanessa. You ready to burn this school to the ground?”

“Eh, maybe tomorrow,” Vanessa said casually. “Never seen you rocking a crop top before. Looks good.”

“Ooh, thank you. Yeah, I go for that now and then. My midriff always used to be my best feature. Maybe it still is, even with these great boobs…”

“Maybe so. Well, you look fantastic.”

“Thanks,” said Candace, running her eyes all over Vanessa’s body. “You’ve got a nice midriff going on too. And cleavage. And… legs for days coming out of those tiny booty shorts…”

Candace’s eyes grew wide and unfocused.

“Candace, don’t freak out,” Vanessa said cautiously.

Candace flattened herself against the lockers as if taking cover. “Can we get away with this? Doesn’t this school have a dress code or something?”

“Candace, please. There’s only two kinds of people who care about something as outdated and misogynistic as a public school dress code. One is kids from fundamentalist religious households who somehow made it to high school without realizing that their parents’ beliefs are full of shit, and are scared that they’ll go to hell if they don’t condemn everyone else’s behavior. The other is faculty members in their eighties who realized twenty years ago that they don’t make enough money to retire and are taking it out on the students instead of the government they voted for. Now, those two kinds of people prey on the weak and fearful, so all you need to do is act like you’re supposed to be dressed like this and you’ll be in the clear. It’s not foolproof, but your odds of getting accosted go way down if you project confidence.”

“Right. Confidence. I can do that.” She detached herself from the wall and shook the tension out of her shoulders and arms. “My midriff is glorious and something everybody oughta see.”

“Hell yeah.”

“So… do you usually show this much skin?”

“Every now and then. More and more as I feel more comfortable in my own… aforementioned skin. And lately? With everything going so well? I feel pretty comfortable with myself.”

“That’s sweet,” Candace said with a small smile. “I always feel confident when I follow your example.”

“Well… I never said I was a role model, so, you know, results may vary.”

“I’m sure I’ll be fine,” Candace said slyly. “Had an idea this morning… wanting to do something daring and brave, and seize the day… so, as you often do… I’m going commando today.”

Vanessa stared, taken aback. “Er… really?”

“Uh-huh.”

“You are, as we speak, not wearing any panties?”

“That’s right.”

“Under that tiny miniskirt?”

“Well, it’s not just any tiny miniskirt. It has pockets. Really good ones, look.”

“Okay, that is pretty awesome. But, um…”

“What?”

Vanessa looked around and leaned in closer to Candace, lowering her voice. “Don’t you feel a little too… exposed?”

Candace frowned. “What’s with the judgment? You told me you go commando all the time.”

“In pants, yes, not a skirt. I think you’re being a little too daring.”

“Well, pardon me for trying something new. I didn’t realize it was such a fashion faux pas.”

“It’s not that, Candace,” Vanessa said anxiously. “I mean I’m worried about the risk of you being literally exposed.”

“Oh, I’ll be fine,” Candace said. “It’s just to make me, personally, feel sexy and bold. Nobody’s gonna notice.”

“Eugh, famous last words,” said Vanessa, wincing. “Well, just so I find out before everybody else, does the carpet match the drapes?”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“You’re, uh, not familiar with that expression?”

“I’ve heard it, I just don’t know what it means.”

“Sure, why not, explaining things can be fun sometimes,” Vanessa mumbled. “Uh, ‘does the carpet match the drapes’ is a way to ask someone with an interesting hair color, the drapes, if that’s also the color of their pubic hair, the carpet.”

“Ah, got it. It’s sleazy but it’s clever. Sure, I’m pretty orangey down there. You?”

“Um, yeah. Me and every other brunette. It’s a given.”

“All right, jeez. What kind of question even is that?”

“Just making a point. Maybe you’ll figure out what it was before it’s too late.”

The school bell rang just as Stacy was quickly scurrying over to them. “Oh my gosh! So sorry I’m late. I was supposed to meet with you guys.”

“Don’t worry about it,” said Vanessa. “I’ll see you ladies at lunch.”

“Okay, Vanessa,” said Stacy, blushing slightly. “It’s nice to see you in person again. Been too long.”

“Much too long,” Vanessa agreed, looking her over. “Loving the new bod, but we’ll talk about that later.” As she moved to walk away, she leaned in close to mutter in Stacy’s ear. “I don’t know how many classes you have with Candace, but keep an eye on her. I don’t think she really thought through her brilliant little scheme to not wear panties today.”

“Oh, God,” said Stacy with dawning horror.

“Pray for that little skirt, it needs all the help it can get.”

Vanessa walked away, and Stacy hurriedly made her way to Candace’s side. “Hey, Candace! Well, we’d better run along to our first homeroom class of the year, yeah? I’m pretty sure we’re in the same homeroom again, right? Er… let’s not do anything crazy on the first day, all right?”

“Of course not,” said Candace. “We’ll build up to that.”

“Right,” said Stacy, eyeing Candace’s precariously short hemline. “Because we always… think these things through. And we were doing so well. Let’s, uh, let’s get a move on.”

Chapter Text

Vanessa entered the high school cafeteria with her lunch, and soon spotted Stacy and Candace alone at a table, Stacy soothingly rubbing Candace’s back. She made her way to them briskly, sitting across from them. “Hey… is everything okay?”

“Not really,” Candace said hollowly. “I got the point you were trying to make. I see what you were so skeptical about. Somehow it didn’t hit me as I was riding my bike all the way here, but sitting at a desk for a few hours gave me lots of time to think about it. I don’t really remember what happened in my morning classes, because I was just concentrating on keeping my legs clamped together. As if that would really help.”

“I’m sorry, Candace.”

“Don’t be sorry. I completely brought this on myself.”

“Nobody said that,” Stacy said quickly. “Nobody’s saying that. We all try cute and sexy things that don’t entirely work out… and hey, every idea you’ve had in the past week has been a pretty good one. We can’t all be perfectly on our game all the time.”

“What was I thinking?” Candace said in a high voice. “If someone near me had dropped their pencil, they’d have seen everything. I went to all this trouble to erase what made me a bully magnet, and I come to the first day of school like this. If anything happens to make this skirt ride up, it’ll be the end of me. I love my cute new butt, but it’s really best enjoyed with some cute panties on. I could live with a gust of wind showing everyone my cute panties. But this? I’ll never live it down. ‘The carpet matches the drapes’ will be on my tombstone.”

“I don’t know what that means,” said Stacy.

“I’ll tell you later,” Vanessa said hastily. “Candace, I’m really sorry. I wish I could bring you into the bathroom and give you my panties, to spare you from this horror, but as you may have guessed, I’m not wearing any under these shorts…”

“Shorts,” Candace said despairingly. “Makes a lot more sense. I’m just more of a skirt-wearing kind of girl.”

“If it helps at all, you can have my bra. That’ll stop you from jiggling so much.”

“Jiggling is fine. I’m not worried about jiggling.”

“Sorry,” said Vanessa. “Just trying to be helpful. At some point we’ll have to take advantage of the fact that we all wear the same size of everything now, because that’s really convenient, we gotta do something about it. On a better day than today, I think we’ll have a lot of fun with that.”

“You want mine, Candace?” said Stacy.

“You can’t do that, Stacy,” said Candace. “You’re wearing a miniskirt too. That’ll just put you in the same predicament I’m in now.”

“I’m happy to do it.”

“I know you are, and I love you for that, but I’m not gonna do that to you. Has anyone seen Jenny?”

“Oh, um… yes!” said Stacy. “I have. As usual, she’s wearing a long skirt. That should mean she can help you. I don’t know where she is right now, though…”

Jeremy arrived with a tray. “Afternoon, ladies.”

“Jeremy!” Candace exclaimed. She pulled him close and kissed him passionately. “Jeremy, you’re my only hope. Unless we can find Jenny. What kind of underwear are you wearing?”

“Uh, boxer briefs. Same as always.”

Candace hesitated. “Really? You’re a boxer briefs guy?”

“Yeah.”

“Really tight like briefs, but with little legs?”

“Yeah, why?”

Candace reflexively started twirling her hair between her fingers. “Wow, that’s… I like that. That’s really sexy, Jeremy. I didn’t know you rolled that way.”

“Candace, focus,” Stacy commanded.

“Right. Um… the reason I ask is… oh my God.”

Candace stared past Jeremy in disbelief. Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, Baljeet, and Buford were purposefully striding across the cafeteria straight toward her.

She stood up and intercepted them. “What do you think you’re doing here?”

“We’re on lunch break,” said Phineas, “and we thought we’d pop by your school, take a look around, see if we can, ah, put a stop to this bully of yours.”

“Oh my God. Please don’t.”

“Why not, Candace?”

“Listen: this is high school. You’re not ready. This place will never be receptive to your particular brand of bright sunshiney cheerfulness. You’ll be eaten alive.”

“We’ve never had problems connecting with teenagers before,” said Phineas.

“This isn’t our backyard where you can charm people with a thrill ride and a big musical number! You’re not prepared to survive in this environment.”

“Then consider this a scouting mission. We’ll figure out how to survive here. We always do.”

Candace crossed her arms. “You do realize that I’ve only just gotten this bully the hell off my back? I don’t need your meddling.”

“And what about everyone else?” Phineas challenged. “Do you want the bully off everyone’s back, or are you content just looking out for your own?”

Candace faltered. “I… look, I appreciate that you want to hunt down a bully, it’s very noble, but this isn’t the time or place. If you want to go after somebody, go after Common Sense Media. They did me dirty.”

“Er, who? What’d they do?”

“Well, you know how every time you guys have ended up on national television, so too has my attempt to bust you for it?”

“Sure, I guess.”

“Well, for that, Common Sense Media named me number ten on their list of the ten worst role models on television. They called me ‘a screechy, whiny stereotype of a girl’.”

“They what?” said Phineas, appalled. “That’s just ridiculous. You’re a great role model.”

Candace shrugged. “You’re biased and fairly oblivious to much of what goes on around you, but thanks.”

“Who… who would do that to you?”

“I didn’t catch the author’s name.”

Vanessa leaned in, intrigued. “Who else was on that list? Who beat you out?”

“Oh, you know, the usual suspects,” Candace said dismissively. “The Kardashians. The Real Housewives. Snooki was number one, of course. The writer seemed to take issue with the new version of Strawberry Shortcake being thin and glamorous, I didn’t really get what that was all about. It was mostly women, for, you know, ‘some reason’, but at least they ranked Charlie Sheen second.”

“Well, hey, look on the bright side, Candace,” said Stacy. “If you were number ten, that makes them all worse than you.”

“Small comfort,” said Candace. “It’s still a shame that’s gonna follow me forever. A bad TV appearance I can live down, but internet top ten lists are forever. Especially since the good people at Wikipedia didn’t think I was worth mentioning in the article about Phineas and Ferb, until Common Sense Media wrote that article. I’m on there now, now that there’s a good citation about me.”

“Well, that’s all terrible,” said Phineas. “I’m glad you brought it up. Ferb, write that down for what we’re gonna do tomorrow, we’re gonna talk to Common Sense Media and get them to print a retraction.”

“Good God, you guys!” Candace exclaimed. “I was being rhetorical, please don’t actually do that. I don’t want them to investigate me and find out that my solution to poor body image is getting into some big science-fiction machine that gives me bigger boobs. That’s not what a role model does. I’m not a role model, I’m just a really neurotic and insecure girl trying to survive in this world.”

“You know, Candace,” Isabella supplied, “if it’s any comfort, the proper treatment for body dysphoria is to change your body to what you want it to be. It’s dysmorphia you have to watch out for, when the flaws you perceive in your body aren’t even real, when it’s a delusion. From what I can tell, what you found to be quote-unquote ‘wrong’ about your body and what you wanted to change about it were… accurately assessed and now you’re satisfied. Right?”

Candace wrapped her arms around herself securely. “Yeah. Completely.”

“There you go, then,” said Isabella. “I’m just saying, don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s like Stacy said, just because most people don’t have access to Phineas and Ferb technology, that doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong just because you do have that access. We all do cool stuff with them that most people don’t get to do.”

“Thanks, Isabella,” said Candace. “I really appreciate you having my back through all of this. I wasn’t sure you would.”

“I’m your friend, Candace. I’ll always have your back.”

“That’s as good a way as any to loop us back around to the topic at hand,” said Candace. “If you guys have my back, you need to stay off it in a high school setting. I can’t be all buddy-buddy with a bunch of sixth-graders, and I certainly can’t have a bunch of young kids I associate with puttering around through the halls and getting into other people’s business looking for a bully. I’d be ridiculed.”

“Fine,” said Ferb. “We just won’t tell the bully we’re with you.”

Candace stomped her foot furiously. “Rrrggh! Do not do this! Why is this so important to you, that you have to bring your little gaggle of stereotypes marching into my school?”

“Well, there’s some gratitude for you,” Isabella said bitterly.

“Really?” said Baljeet. “I’ll admit to being a complete stereotype of an Indian nerd, and there’s a case to be made for Buford being the stereotypical bully with the requisite heart of gold, but come on, these three? What kind of stereotype are they supposed to be? Perpetually cheerful overachievers who make the impossible happen and everybody loves them? What kind of stereotype is that?”

“That very much is a stereotype, yes,” said Candace. “It’s called being a freakin’ Mary Sue. You think your posse is innovative just because you’ve got three of them? Quite the contrary.”

“Well, before the flame wars erupt over that little comment,” said Buford, “I’ll tell you why this is important to us. Somebody—witnesses say it was you—implied that this so-called bully drives people to kill themselves, or at least to think that maybe they should. You think we’re just gonna let that slide? We’re the heroes. We don’t do that.”

“Oh, please,” said Candace. “Heroes. What do you care? You’re a bully.”

“Excuse you,” Buford retorted. “I will fully cop to being a classic bully. The brand of bully from a bygone era when it was a normal part of childhood that just toughened everybody up, when the nerds dealt back as much as they took, and it all made for a healthy, flourishing community of lovable characters.”

“Yeah, that bygone era is called the fifties, Buford,” said Candace. “Not even the fifties, movies from the fifties. And later movies about the fifties which are actually about the movies from the fifties. Back then they couldn’t put anything in a movie that would make a sweaty old white man clutch his pearls, so of course the movies made it look like some idyllic peaceful paradise. You’re talking about a decade when women were considered sexual deviants if they wore pants or had any ambition of their own, people of color were still a decade away from being allowed to be people, and queer people were only spoken of in hushed, panicked whispers, like they were gremlins or something. Of course people got bullied to death in the fifties. Of course they did. It’s not new. There was no time or place in this world where you could ever be a real person.”

“Yeah, okay, whatever,” said Buford. “I am a real person and I’m here to put an end to a world where a cute and harmless-sounding word like ‘bully’ refers to people who inflict actual physical and psychological harm.”

“Don’t give me a ‘yeah, okay, whatever’ after I’ve made an excellent point, you little jerk,” Candace fumed. “And I’m sorry, that’s what a bully is and does. Sorry to shatter the illusion of the cute little cosplay you’ve been doing all your life.”

“I’m not the monster here, Candace,” Buford growled. “I’m here to fight your monster.”

“Who asked you?!”

“Candace!” Phineas exclaimed. “Lay off! Why are you digging into Buford? You’re kind of making a scene here in the cafeteria.”

“Well, we can’t have that,” said Candace. “So what exactly are you twerps planning on doing?”

Buford pounded a fist into his palm. “We’re gonna hunt down your bully and make her stop, one way or another.”

“We have conflicting thoughts on what to do,” Isabella added, “but we’re going to try everything.”

“Now where can we find her?” Buford concluded.

Candace said nothing.

“Fine,” said Buford. “Keep your secrets. We’re not leaving today until we’ve fingered her.”

“Until we’ve fingered her?” Isabella demanded.

“As the culprit!” Buford exclaimed. “Fingered her as the culprit. Yeesh, when did you get such a dirty mind?”

“When do you think?” Isabella grumbled. “I’ve been in junior high for a week. Class after class of smelly perverts who titter at literally every word that everyone says because everything sounds sexual to them. It’s getting to me. They’ve got me doing it. Are we going to turn into them? I’m not looking forward to that. If anyone said anything in that building with an actual possible double meaning… like maybe the word ‘titter’, for example… the whole building would collapse from all the unhinged laughter.”

Buford was silent for a moment. “All right, that was another tangent. Moving on. Now, Candace, are you gonna tell us who’s been hassling you so we can teach them a lesson, or not?”

“Right now, you’re hassling me,” said Candace. “I’m not buying this passionate bully-hunter schtick from the neighborhood bully. Give me a break.”

“If I may,” said Baljeet, stepping forward to speak directly to Candace. “Look, speaking as Buford’s longtime designated victim, by the definition you gave, he’s not a bully. He’s more of a… boisterous lumbering clown. A big galumphing lug.”

Buford scowled. “What are you doin’?”

“Illustrating my point.” He turned back to Candace. “He’s ticked off that I’m saying this, but is he going to punch me? No. He does no such thing. A wedgie here, a noogie there, it’s an aggressive way of showing affection, but honestly, the biggest violation he’s ever dealt to me was the time or two he stole the underpants I was wearing. I’m saying maybe I have some idea of what you’ve experienced, but I can get over it. What he’s angry at now… seething over, even… is the idea that there’s someone in this town who’s legitimately hurting people in ways they can’t get over. Take it from me that if you’re dealing with a real bully, Buford can be your hero here.”

Candace rolled her eyes. “You’re way off base. You’re totally projecting. Nobody stole my underpants, that’s not the reason I’m not wearing any, you really don’t know what I’ve been through.”

Baljeet blinked several times, stunned. “I think you may be distracted,” he said. “I never suggested you weren’t wearing underpants.”

Candace thought about it, and realizing that was true, blushed vividly. “I think you’re right, that took me out of the moment. What was your point again?”

“Wait, are you really not? Why not?”

“Not your business, Baljeet!”

He continued to stare for a few more moments. “I am sorry, I do not remember what my point was either. Phineas, what are we doing?”

“We’re going after your bully, Candace,” Phineas said firmly. “Maybe we’ll have to catch her in the act to figure out who she is. Maybe we’ll have to follow the trail of shaken-up flat-chested freshman girls she leaves in her wake. But it would be much easier if you’d just tell us who she is.”

Candace was silent once again.

“Stacy?” Phineas prompted.

Stacy shook her head frantically.

“Well… again, we can work with that. Let’s go, you guys.”

Before the kids could turn to leave, Vanessa stood up, drawing everyone’s eyes to her. “Her name is Lisa and she’s a sophomore. That’s all I could get out of these two, but I hope it’s something.”

“Thank you, Vanessa,” said Phineas.

“Vanessa!” Stacy cried.

“You two may be paralyzed with fear over this girl, but I’m not,” Vanessa said sternly. “She’s just a teenage girl, same as you and me. If we stand strong and work together, we can take her down and no one else will have to be scared and beaten down like you guys were all of last year. Isn’t that worth pursuing?”

Candace kept staring at Vanessa. Realizing no answer was coming, Vanessa awkwardly sat back down. Candace turned back to Phineas. “Whatever it is you’re gonna do, just make sure you stand by what Ferb said.”

“Sure,” said Phineas. “Which thing Ferb said?”

“Ha ha, very funny,” Candace said sourly. “I mean it. Don’t tell her you’re with me. Do not mention my name, do not let her see me with you. I don’t want her, in any way, to associate me with the little kids who are trying to harass her into giving up bullying or whatever it is you’re gonna do. She’ll come after me. And I’ve gone to a lot of trouble to make sure she never does that again. Don’t mess this up for me. Leave. Me. Out of this.” She spun around and sat down at the table again, legs and arms crossed, slouching and sneering.

“We promise, Candace,” said Phineas. “Come on, everybody.”

As the kids turned to go, Baljeet leaned in to whisper to Buford. “Did you see? I think she’s really not wearing underwear.”

“None of our concern, nerd. Move out.”

“Hey, guys?” said Stacy. “Just… one more thing.”

“Stacy, don’t!” Candace pleaded.

“Someone has to warn them.”

Candace hung her head, letting Stacy proceed.

“Look,” said Stacy, “when you find her, the first thing you’re going to notice is that she’s very small. She’s also really cute. It’s going to make you put your guard down, but you can’t let that happen. She’s nasty and horrible, and to kids like you, maybe even dangerous. So brace yourselves.”

“Oh, I get it,” said Buford. “She’s like Jeremy’s sister.”

“Wait, what?” said Jeremy.

Candace’s hand slapped the table in shock. “Exactly like that. Yes.”

“Good to know,” said Buford. “That kid scares the bejesus out of me, but… good. Now I know what to expect. Lead the way, dinner bell. Let’s do this thing.”

“Oookay?” said Phineas. “We’ll see you around, Candace.” The kids departed the cafeteria.

Stacy turned to Candace, puzzled. “How exactly is Lisa like Jeremy’s sister?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it. Buford gets it. Maybe this will actually do some good, I dunno.” Candace turned to Jeremy. “Really hoped my boyfriend would have more to contribute to that whole debacle of a conversation.”

“I was mostly just trying to follow it,” Jeremy admitted meekly. “That was… hectic. I’m sure that whoever this Lisa person is, those guys can turn the situation around for the whole school. Phineas can talk anyone into anything.”

“I hope you’re right,” said Candace. “I really do. I hope it all works out, or whatever. I just don’t want to live in fear anymore.”

Stacy nodded. “So… there’s a Phineas and Ferb page on Wikipedia?”

“Yup. Tons of receipts for the notable things they’ve done over the summer.”

“Did it ever occur to you to maybe show your mom that article? All the citations and stuff?”

“Of course it occurred to me,” said Candace. “I figured it falls under the heading of ‘too good to be true’. I don’t dare to try it. Pulling it up for her would probably make Wikipedia disappear, and I can’t do that to humanity, Wikipedia is way too important. Same reason I don’t show her the hidden button on my coffee cup that plays a whole bunch of bustable holographic video clips. I love my coffee cup. I don’t want it to go away.”

“Candace…” Stacy said, trying to mask her disbelief. “That’s not exactly a rational prediction of what might happen. Have you considered that you might have some kind of serious anxiety disorder?”

“Where have you been all summer? It’s a perfectly rational, evidence-based conclusion to reach for what would happen if I had really good evidence to show Mom. That being said, of course I have some sort of anxiety disorder. It’s crippling. My nerves are shot all the time. I’ll… I’ll see if I can get myself checked out.”

The bell rang, and Jeremy immediately shot to his feet. “Oh, shoot, I… I’d better get running. Candace… I’m sorry you’re working through some issues, but just know that I love you and I’m here for you.” He bent down to kiss her.

“Love you too, Jer,” she said, reaching up to touch his face. “See you later.” He hefted his backpack, and she watched him intently as he departed with the crowd.

“Well, Stacy,” said Vanessa, “if you can forgive me for spilling the bully’s name…”

“I can,” Stacy said quickly. “Y-you did the right thing. When I couldn’t. So… thank you for that.”

“No problem,” said Vanessa. “Well, we didn’t have time to touch base the way I hoped we would, so… I’ll see you after school and we’ll take care of it then.”

“Okay. See you.”

Vanessa departed as well.

“She’s going to ask me out after school,” Stacy sang.

“She’s so going to ask you out,” Candace said automatically.

“If she doesn’t, she’s really failed at setting expectations. In which case, I guess I’ll just have to ask her out. That’ll show her who’s boss.”

Candace stood up and immediately went pale. “Oh no.”

“What?”

“I didn’t get a chance to ask Jeremy if I could have his underwear. I still don’t have any.”

“Again, I made the offer to give you mine,” said Stacy.

“And again, I’m not doing that to you. You can’t always sacrifice everything for me.”

“I can. And I’ll always be there to volunteer.”

Candace put her hands on Stacy’s shoulders. “Which is exactly why sometimes I can’t let you do that. Just this once, I’m not going to force you to carry the burden of my humiliation.”

Stacy pouted. “You can’t be the martyr all the time, girl.”

“Better me than you. I’ll deal. I made it through the first half of the day like this, and maybe… oh, I don’t know, it’s like… whatever. If anything happens in the second half of the day I’m certainly not going to die. It’s all about getting through one day. Anyone can do that, and I’m halfway there. Come on, let’s get to our classes.”

Chapter Text

“So, how are we gonna do this?” said Phineas as the five kids traversed the hallways of Danville High. “All we have is a first name. I don’t want to have to ask someone, ‘Hey, where can we find Lisa? You know, the bully?’”

“We’ll find her,” Buford said confidently, cracking his knuckles. “One way or another, she’s gonna leave a trail.”

Around a corner, a high but harsh voice rang out over the din of the various crowds. “Out of my way, flat-chested skanks!”

“Well, that was a little on-the-nose, but it’s probably our trail,” said Isabella.

They rushed around the corner, where a few girls were simply lounging around, sitting on the floor and leaning against a wall, being accosted by a short and chubby girl with long blonde hair.

“Small, probably cute, disarmingly Suzy-esque,” Phineas muttered. “I think we have our target.”

The girl turned, and the kids immediately saw her strikingly large and blue eyes… then, barely contained by her little red tank top, her huge breasts.

“Oh, you must be joking,” said Buford, stepping forward.

“Buford?” Phineas said uncertainly.

Buford spread his arms wide and took a few steps with such a commanding presence that the crowd parted before him, leaving an empty expanse of hallway between him and the blonde girl. “Hey!” he barked. “Are you Lisa?”

She looked him over. “Yeah. Who the fuck are you, little boy?”

He chuckled. “I’m a classic stereotype who’s about to verbally eviscerate you, that’s who the fuck I am. You are just… sad. I mean, really? It’s so transparent. You’re super insecure about being the girl with the biggest boobs so you preempt anyone making fun of you by viciously mocking everyone with small boobs. It’s just so stale.”

Lisa looked around nervously as mild, appreciative laughter rang out from the onlookers. “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about,” she fumed. “I just hate flat-chested skanks.”

“How very reasonable,” said Buford. “You definitely seem like a real person.”

“Why do you think you can fucking talk to me like that, kid?”

“Observe how the sparkling conversationalist drops the F-word in every single sentence,” Buford said grandly to the hallway at large, “robbing it of any actual impact it may have if placed strategically. You throw it around like it’s nothin’, you just sound like a moron.”

“Get out of my way, you little punk,” Lisa raged.

“Make me,” said Buford. “Go ahead, make a scene in front of all your peers. Edgelord.”

“You’re making a scene,” Lisa objected.

“Are you kidding? Everybody heard that ‘flat-chested skank’ remark. This is your scene, girl. Hey, you! Flat-chested freshman girls hiding in the corner over there. You gonna let Tinker Bell here push you around? She’s a dork!”

The girls Lisa had been shouting at uncertainly made a move to stand up.

“Stay on the floor, dykes!” Lisa snarled.

“Ooh, we’re throwing around slurs now, so edgy,” Buford said mockingly. “You’re a fucking child, you know that? You’re trying to sound like an adult, and it’s making you sound about… my age. What are you doing with your life?”

“Having a better time than them,” said Lisa, pointing to the freshman girls.

“Sounds about right,” said Buford. “Get your kicks now, jughead. When you’re out of high school, and keep on just being what you are now, it’s all gonna go downhill.”

Lisa shrugged. “Don’t really care what’s gonna happen when I’m old. I’m gonna live it up while I’m young and hot.”

“Figures,” said Buford. “Be on your way, then. Enjoy your early grave.”

Lisa walked away, accompanied by a small group of fellow students who stayed obediently at her heel. The rest of the crowd in the hallway slowly dispersed, leaving the five younger kids more or less alone.

“Well, I don’t know that a brutal verbal evisceration would have been my Plan A,” said Phineas.

“It was my way of dealing with her,” Buford said viciously. “Maybe she’ll pause and think about her life, but probably not.”

Phineas shrugged. “If nothing else, you successfully illustrated your point about saving F-bombs for opportune moments. They were very well-placed. I’m sure everyone present learned something from that. And of the five of us, you’re probably the only one who can pull off cursing, like, at all.”

“Thanks, I’m proud of that theory,” said Buford. “Honestly, I find the word ‘friggin’’ is actually more impactful than the real F-word at certain times, but… not the right audience. This high school crowd would just drag me for fake-cursing.”

“I’m just not sure your way was the way to go.”

“I’ll allow that. Probably didn’t get through her thick head, after all, but it felt good to vent that to her. We can try your way next, dinner bell. What’s on your mind?”

“My way,” said Phineas. “Well, that’s easy. If you’re right and this whole bullying thing derives from insecurity about her body, we can give her the same treatment we gave Candace—stick her in the Revampunow, but for a breast reduction. Maybe then she won’t feel the need to be so harsh.”

“I approve,” said Baljeet. “Maybe she just needs to be less insecure so she can mellow out.”

“It would be a nice gift for her, if she accepts,” said Isabella.

“I don’t like it,” said Buford. “It’s not always right to put together a plan where everybody gets what they want. Some people shouldn’t get what they want. They don’t deserve it.”

“Buford…” Phineas sighed.

“I mean it. Did they defeat the Nazis in World War II by giving them what they wanted? Did they reach across the aisle and offer a compromise? No.”

“Wow, Buford. Way to invoke Godwin’s Law.”

“Oh, please. What has Godwin’s Law ever done for society, besides make people think you’re crying wolf when you point out someone is actually acting like a Nazi? Godwin’s Law is responsible for the rise of real-ass fascism in this country. Godwin himself recently said you should absolutely call someone a Nazi when they’re being a Nazi.”

“She’s not a Nazi, Buford, she’s a teenage girl with a bad attitude.”

“Did you not hear her drop a homophobic slur? Thinking it makes her all cool and edgy? In my book that’s close enough. Gotta shut her down before she gets any closer.”

“Dude.”

“She is the pinnacle of Aryan ideals.”

“So is Jeremy, what’s your point?”

“And Jeremy’s sister. I rest my case.”

“…Dude,” Phineas said again, exhausted.

“Do you remember what I did last time we met an honest-to-God Nazi?” Buford prodded.

“Yes,” said Phineas. “You dressed up as a bear and whacked him across the face with a large fish.”

“I sure did. That should be standard procedure. We didn’t offer him a cure for being all red and skully in the hopes it would make him less grumpy. We kicked his ass and showed no mercy.”

“All right, Buford. We’ve done this your way, we’ve sorta-kinda publicly exposed her, if that doesn’t get us anywhere we’re doing this my way now. Maybe my way isn’t your speed, maybe my way won’t work and somebody else’s way will go better.”

“But the next step is your way?” said Buford.

“Yeah.”

“I can deal with that. I don’t like it, but we’ll give it a shot. Then we’ll move on.”

Phineas nodded. “I appreciate that you’re passionate about this, Buford.”

“I don’t like seein’ your sister all messed up like that,” Buford growled. “Something’s broken in the sinister halls of this high school and we’ve gotta fix it. Because that’s what we do. We fix the world.”

“We will, man. Don’t worry about it.”

Chapter Text

At the end of the school day, Candace retrieved her backpack from her locker.

Stacy rushed to her side. “Hey, girl. How’d it go? Did you make it through the day?”

“Technically not yet,” Candace admitted. “But we’re almost there.”

“Anything exciting happen in class?”

“Hard to say. I was mostly focused on keeping my crotch out of sight. I’ll, um… figure out what my classes were all about tomorrow, when I don’t have to think about that.”

Vanessa loudly leaned against a nearby locker. “Hey,” she said.

“Hi, Vanessa,” Candace said quietly.

“Doing okay, Candace? Everything safe and secure?”

“Yeah, it’s all good. Thanks. I… really did a stupid thing today, but in a few minutes I’ll have officially survived it. The support is appreciated.”

Vanessa patted Candace on the shoulder. “I’ve got your back, girl. Stacy?”

“Yeah?”

“We’ve delayed long enough,” said Vanessa, beckoning with a single finger. “Have a word with me, over here.” She turned and walked away.

Stacy giggled and leaned in to whisper to Candace. “Did you see that gesture?” she asked, imitating the one-fingered beckon. “That was so flirty.”

“Gesture?” Candace said absently. “Not really, I was watching her ass. There’s no way that’s just the way she walks.”

“It’s just the way I walk, Candace,” Vanessa called from the other side of the hall.

“Wow. Good ears.”

“I, um… so, yeah,” Stacy said eagerly. “I’m just gonna go talk with her.”

“Best of luck, Stace.”

Stacy hopped off to join Vanessa, and soon Jenny appeared alongside Candace. “Hey, Candy.”

“Oh, Jenny, there you are,” Candace said. “I missed you today.”

“Missed you too. Had a good day?”

“Well, I haven’t seen Lisa once, so that’s good enough for me,” Candace said grimly. “How about you?”

“Ready to take on the world.”

“That’s great,” Candace said absently. “That’s… my God, Jenny, I can completely see your nipples through that sweater.”

“You know, we’re never gonna be able to normalize that if you keep pointing it out all incredulously.”

“Sorry. I’ll do my part. Can I ask you a question?”

“Is it a judgmental question?” Jenny said dryly.

“No, no, I was just… wondering… do your nipples always stick out like that? Because from what I can tell after just a few days with boobs, my nipples only poke through my shirts like that when I’m aroused. I went braless today too, take a look. No pokies, at least not at the moment.”

“Hm,” Jenny remarked, considering Candace’s chest before looking down at her own. “Yeah, mine are always like this. That’s interesting. You know, I think I like that. It’s like… even though the three of us all have GMO boobs now, they’re not artificial-looking or just like each other, they’re still uniquely ours.”

“Oh, yeah, totally.”

Meanwhile, Vanessa, having taken Stacy aside, looked her over. “So,” she said.

“So,” Stacy agreed. “Are we doing this?”

“Just for the record,” said Vanessa, “I was already into you when you were flat. You get that, right?”

“Oh, I know,” Stacy assured her. “I didn’t do this for you. This was something I needed for myself.”

“I get that,” Vanessa said seriously. “I just wanted to… make sure. I’m not so narcissistic as to be completely thrilled that you seem to have recreated my body type from memory… but you look good, you really do.”

“Eh, well,” Stacy said with a shrug, “this is usually the part where I’d blush and say something like, ‘Is it that obvious?’ But honestly, if we’d had a reference photo of you or taken more time to tweak and discuss it, I probably would have wanted it to be even more obvious than it is. You’ve… influenced me… since we met a week ago.”

“I’m into that,” Vanessa said, nodding. “I could stand being influential.”

“So… did our waiting pay off? Do we still have the spark?”

“I think so, Stacy. I surprise myself sometimes, and… I’m still so into you I can hardly believe it.”

“Oh my God, me too. All week, I’ve been wishing I could talk to you… you’re just the most interesting person and I want to know more.”

Vanessa took both of Stacy’s hands in her own. “So… can I take you out to dinner? Say, Friday?”

Stacy pulled Vanessa’s hands closer to her heart. “Friday would be perfect. What are we having?”

“Oh, I thought we could figure that out together. What do you feel like? Think big. Money is no object, it’s all on me.”

“Really?” Stacy said thoughtfully. “Well… I’ve been in the mood for sushi lately. It’s been a while.”

“I’m so glad you said that,” Vanessa said in relief. “I love sushi, but it was going to be, like, my fourth-to-last suggestion.”

Stacy giggled. “Why fourth?”

“I just… wasn’t going to invite a Japanese girl out for Japanese food. That’d be terribly crass. The only things lower down on my list would be Chinese or Korean food, because then you’d think I was being crass and getting your ethnicity wrong. I don’t want to look like a fool.”

“Wow,” Stacy remarked dryly. “The stuff white people think about.”

“Hey, only the good ones,” Vanessa said defensively. “A lot of people of a lot of races would just decide to take you out for Japanese food and think it was a big-brain moment on their part.” After a pause, she added, “My very last choice would have been Thai food, because… I just don’t like it.”

“Really? Neither do I. My mom loves it, she always gets it on takeout night. I don’t see the appeal. Too much going on, and so heavy on the vegetables. What’s the point of being lazy and getting takeout food if it’s good for you?”

“So we’re in agreement,” said Vanessa. “No Thai food. That’s a handy thing to have in common.”

“Yeah,” said Stacy. “So… yeah. I’ll see you Friday.”

“Yup. Of course, I hope we see each other a lot before then as well.”

“Oh, of course,” said Stacy, swaying back and forth a little, Vanessa’s hands still in hers.

“I…” Vanessa said hesitantly. “I know I shouldn’t ask, since we’ve only just agreed to a first date, but seeing as we have kissed once before…”

“Please, ask any time,” Stacy said warmly. “I was about to beg for one.”

Vanessa’s hands slipped to Stacy’s butt and pulled her close. They kissed as Stacy caressed her face and hair.

“Hey, Stace, we should get started on—” Candace began, absently approaching them. “Oh. Oh, I’m terribly sorry, I’ve interrupted again.”

“That’s okay, Candace,” Vanessa said gently, gazing deeply into Stacy’s eyes. “I probably shouldn’t give it away all at once.” She gave Stacy’s butt a final decisive squeeze, then parted from her. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow. And Stacy, I will see you Friday night. We’ll hash out the details as we go.”

“You bet,” said Stacy as Vanessa walked off.

“Completely convinced she does that on purpose,” Candace muttered. “The way she walks away is hypnotic. Anyway, I take it from the double-handed butt-squeeze that that went well?”

“Oh, hell yeah,” Stacy said enthusiastically. “She slipped me a lot more tongue that time, too. She’s so… she’s so stinkin’ hot, Candace. My God. And, uh, yeah, we’re going out for sushi on Friday.”

“That’s awesome, Stace.”

“So… you were about to say something?”

“Oh, yeah, I was just over here telling Jenny that we should get started on my campaign for homecoming princess. Might as well start early and get ahead of the curve, right?”

“For sure,” Stacy affirmed. “Hey, Jenny, didn’t see you there.”

“That’s all right, I saw you,” Jenny said with a smirk.

“You wanted to meet Vanessa. I should have introduced you.”

Jenny waved that off. “I can meet her anytime. Definitely saw her. Fuckin’ nicely done, Stacy.”

“Right?” Stacy said with a sheepish grin. “I really don’t know how I pulled that off. Ten minutes alone in a room with her and somehow she came out of that just as entranced as I was.”

“You’re a very lucky girl.”

“Guess that’s the only explanation. Er, sorry, Candace. You were saying?”

“Oh, that was pretty much it,” said Candace. “If we can squeeze in some time tomorrow with a bit less drama, we should make my plans, figure out how to get my name in the running… and Jeremy’s name, of course. Um… you guys go ahead and take off, I’ll find Jeremy and let him know we’re getting that started.”

“All right, Candy,” said Jenny. “See you later.”

“Have a good one, Candace,” said Stacy, giving her a tight hug. “Love you so much. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Love you, Stace.”

The others departed, and Candace headed for the juniors’ quadrant of the school to track down Jeremy. It didn’t take long to find him, in the central entrance hall of the school.

“Jeremy! There you are.”

“Hey, Candace,” he said, greeting her with a quick kiss. “You doing all right?”

“I’m doing great, babe,” she said jovially. “I wanted to make sure we’re prepared for our respective homecoming campaigns. Flynn for sophomore princess, Johnson for junior prince.”

“Right,” he said. “What do I have to do?”

“You? Honestly, probably not much. As long as everybody knows you’re running, just a little bit of light campaigning will be all you need.”

“Really?”

“Oh, for sure. Just look at you. Come on. You’re an attractive guy, you’re nice to everybody, you play guitar in a band that doesn’t suck, and you work the counter at everybody’s favorite restaurant. Now that you’re a junior, all that puts you pretty high up on the social totem pole.”

“No kidding?”

“Totally, my dude. As such, being your girlfriend will be a huge asset to my campaign, though I’ll still have to work to rise above some of the other girls in my year.”

“All right, then,” said Jeremy. “How do we start?”

“We’ll work that out over this coming week,” she said eagerly. “For now, you can help me be seen a little more by just spending time with me out in the open, probably do a little bit of making out in public, anything to associate us with each other in the student body’s collective minds.”

“Works for me. Should we get started?”

“Now? I like the way you think.”

They began making out, and he ran his hands all up and down her body.

“Mmm,” Candace moaned passionately. “Mm, wait, hands off the skirt. Jeremy. Hands off the—hands off the skirt!”

She grabbed his wrists and pushed him away, staring intently into his eyes, which were wide and alarmed.

“I’m sorry,” he breathed.

Candace winced. “Eep. That didn’t make you look too good, did it? Little bit… out of context… heh. Did anybody see that?” She looked around. As far as she could tell, everyone in the entrance hall was simply minding their own business. “I think we’re good. I know it was a heated moment, Jeremy, but even in heated moments you really have to listen to the words people are saying.”

“I’m sorry,” he said again.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, really you didn’t, today’s just not a good day for touching my butt.”

“What’s up?”

She leaned in closer to him and lowered her voice. “I thought it might be a fun and risqué idea this morning, to… attend my first day of school with no panties.”

“In that skirt?”

“You don’t have to tell me it was a profoundly stupid idea, I have figured that out as the day has gone on. But I’ve made it to the end of the day without anybody noticing, so, soon this whole thing will be behind me. Just so long as you don’t mess with my skirt before I get my ass home.”

“Sorry, Candace.”

“Let it be known that normally you’re free to squeeze and fondle my butt any time you want. I’ll make it up to you tomorrow, we’ll go crazy on the heavy petting. For now, yeah, I’ve just gotta get home before I break the day’s lucky streak of zero skirt malfunctions.”

“Understood, babe,” he said. “We’ll get to the campaigning tomorrow, then?”

“Yes,” she said confidently. “The campaigning, and the groping, and then… one day, sometime soon, finding out that I’m not wearing panties will be totally worth your while. For now, yeah, I just wanted to check in with you before I get the heck out of here.”

“Okay, Candace. I love you. Get yourself home in one piece.”

“Jeremy, you’re…” Unable to finish the sentence, she kissed him. “I can’t even express it. I love you so much, you have no idea. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you, darling,” he said. “Can I pull off ‘darling’?”

“Eh… it’s a bit British. My dad says it. But, um, try to roll with it and see if it works.”

“Okay, Candace. Bye for now.”

“Bye…”

Jeremy took off out the front doors, leaving Candace in an entrance hall that seemed ominously empty without him.

Chapter Text

Out of nowhere, a heavy binder swung through the air to whack Candace in the head.

“Ow. Who just…?”

Candace went silent and her face pale as she realized the binder had been wielded by Lisa Stone, who promptly handed it off to a tall boy to free her hands. The short and buxom blonde girl was surrounded by a pack of cronies, guys and girls, who had Candace partially surrounded in a semi-circle.

“Heya, Flint,” Lisa said coldly. “I’ve been looking for you all day. Aw, I see you stocked up for the year with some fake boobs.”

She punched Candace hard in the breast. Candace cried out and nearly doubled over, clutching the area.

“Huh!” Lisa remarked. “My mistake. Not fake at all. And look at your slutty little outfit. Really feeling like you can make a name for yourself this year, eh, Candiddums?” She reached out and flicked Candace’s nose.

“You can’t…” Candace stammered. “I’m not…”

“You’re not?” Lisa mocked. “You’re not what? Not flat anymore?” She shrugged. “Well, just goes to show you. I guess your sheer skankiness just still gets under my fucking skin.”

She pulled Candace close by the straps of her backpack, then shoved, toppling her over. Flat on her back, Candace’s mind reeled, repeatedly whispering to her, No way… there’s no way… to the point that she almost missed the gasps ringing out among Lisa’s followers.

“Oh my fucking God,” Lisa slowly exclaimed, initially horrified, then delighted. “Flint came to school with no panties.”

Jolted out of her reverie at that, Candace scrambled to stand up, but her backpack was too heavy and her legs just slipped uselessly on the cold floor.

Lisa cackled. “I can’t believe this, you guys. She’s showing us everything. Oof, if I was on display like that, I’d have to kill myself, honest I would.”

She stepped forward, closer to Candace, her heavy boots clacking on the floor. With a dramatic wind-up, she kicked, driving one of those boots hard between Candace’s legs. Candace curled up, squeaking out a long, high-pitched wail of pain, and tears began to stream down her face.

“Oh, don’t start crying,” Lisa said derisively. “You had that coming, you unbelievable slut.”

As Lisa raucously laughed with her companions, Candace found her footing and shakily stood up.

“I can’t believe we had to see that,” Lisa laughed. “So gross.”

“I’m not afraid of you,” Candace said firmly.

The laughter stopped, and a chilling silence hung over them all.

“Say what?” Lisa said pleasantly.

“I… am not afraid… of you,” Candace enunciated. “You’re just… some girl. Like any other. I’ve faced worse. I’m… I’m gonna stand strong, and with a little help from my friends, I’m gonna take you down.”

A provocative “ooooh” rang out among Lisa’s followers. Eyeing them nervously only momentarily, Lisa stepped forward and extended two fingers, which lunged at Candace’s eyes.

Candace flinched away, then looked back up to see Lisa smirking, her strike having stopped short, too soon to have connected.

“I don’t like change,” said Lisa. “And you, Flint? You’ll never change.” She grabbed Candace’s breasts and twisted hard.

“Aaaagh!” Candace cried out.

“And…” Lisa withdrew her hands and stared. “Yep, there they are. Even that turned you on. Unbelievable.”

Knowing what she meant, Candace clasped her hands over her chest.

That seemed to be the end of it. Lisa and her crew were already walking away, but Candace was so shocked, her legs so weak with fear, that she could barely process that she was no longer in danger, barely hear the words Lisa was saying, though they rang loud and clear through the empty hall.

“Please tell me one of you got a picture of that. Her muff completely on display in the middle of the fucking hallway, my God. Really? Nobody whipped out their phone for that? What a bunch of losers.”

Only when it went completely silent did the true horror of it all completely strike her, and Candace broke out in ragged sobs.

~0~0~0~

Linda was in the kitchen when she heard a bike pulling into the driveway, and soon after, the front door opening. “Is that you, Candace? How was your first day of school?”

Candace staggered past her, red in the face, tears still streaming down her cheeks.

“Oh my gosh, Candace!” Linda exclaimed. “You’re… you look like you’ve been crying the whole way home. What’s the matter?”

Candace stared at her, completely expressionless.

“Candace?”

Candace sighed. “You know something, Mom? After the summer I’ve had…” She shook her head in disbelief. “If you think I’m ever going to confide in you again… about anything… then you’re even crazier than I am.”

Linda’s jaw dropped.

“If you ever cared for me,” Candace went on, “do me one favor: when you see Dad, tell him I’ll be sulking in my room waiting for him to console me.”

She went upstairs.

Chapter Text

Candace lay flat on her back in her bed, staring at the ceiling with no expression, allowing minute after minute to tick by with barely a thought passing through her head.

The door creaked open, and she turned her head to see Phineas and Ferb entering her room, Perry trailing behind them. “Candace?” Phineas said meekly.

“Hey, you guys,” Candace replied, almost inaudibly.

They closed the door, shielding them all within the room. “Mom said something happened to you at school?” Phineas said.

“Something like that,” said Candace. “Almost made it through the whole day…”

“Was it Lisa?”

Candace sat up slowly. “Lisa? …Don’t be silly. We’ve established that Lisa only bullies girls with no boobs. I was banking a lot on that premise, so it’d be pretty stupid of me to be wrong. I have boobs now, so I’m completely safe from her. Safe, safe, safe…”

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Not with you. Times like this, a girl needs her dad. Where’s Dad?”

“He’s on his way. Mom called him, and he closed the shop early, so he’s coming right to you.”

Candace huffed. “I didn’t ask them to close up shop just for me…”

“It’s a few hours of business,” Phineas said kindly. “They can handle it.”

“’Kay.”

Phineas fidgeted silently for a moment. “Candace… do you…”

“Do I what?”

“You’ve… implied… that this bullying situation has made you think about killing yourself. Is that true?”

“It’s, um… yeah, it’s true. I’ve thought about it.” She stroked her throat. “I usually imagine… hanging… or maybe a slashed throat… I’ve always had this long and delicate neck, you see. Feels like it’d be… dramatically appropriate… for it to be the end of me.”

“That’s awful,” said Phineas. “I can’t relate, but I’m so sorry you have those thoughts. That’s not what the imagination is for. I can’t believe yours would turn against you like that.”

“It’s fine,” said Candace. “It’s just a teenage thing. You’ll understand someday. It’s poetic. Maybe even romantic.”

“Somehow, I don’t think so,” said Phineas. “Have you talked to anybody about this?”

“Occasionally. I’m talking to you, aren’t I?”

“I’m not… qualified,” he said shakily. “I mean like a professional. Someone who can get you… not thinking like that.”

Candace shrugged. “Not the first time today that’s been suggested. I’ll look into it.”

Phineas nodded. “If it’s any consolation, Candace, if anything happened to you… anything at all, but especially by your own hand… my life would be a wreck. A complete wreck, if I lost you.”

“Ah, come on, don’t say stuff like that,” Candace said pleasantly. “You’d be sad for a while, sure, but eventually you’d read a book about the five stages of grief and it’d all be okay in the end. Without me, life would be… simplified.”

“No, it wouldn’t,” Phineas said seriously. “You’d be gone, and I’d never get over it, not ever. Not ever.”

Candace’s lip quivered. “Phineas, please don’t cry, ’cause then I’m gonna start crying and I’m all cried out for the day.”

“I can’t help it,” he sobbed. “You’re my big sister. If you were gone from my life I’d start crying and never stop until I was dead too.”

“Oh, Phineas!”

She tumbled out of her bed, landing on her knees, and hugged him tightly as they both cried softly.

“I don’t know if I’d call it consolation,” said Candace. “But… it’s a pretty good reason not to do it. If I’m leaving behind a world where you can’t be you anymore… I can’t do that to you. Or the world. I can… endure.” Over Phineas’s shoulder, she saw Ferb. He wasn’t crying or even frowning, but his eyes bore the most profound expression of sadness she had ever seen. “Hey, Ferb. What’s on your mind?”

“Don’t go,” he said simply.

She choked and grabbed his hand. “I’m not going anywhere, Ferb.”

The door opened again, slowly and quietly, and Lawrence leaned into the room cautiously. “Hello, Candace,” he said softly.

“Hey, Dad.”

“Boys, give us a moment,” he said. “I believe Candace wants to speak with me alone.”

“Yeah. Thanks, Dad.” She squeezed Phineas tighter and pulled Ferb closer. “Love you guys. I’ll see you.”

“Come on, Perry,” said Phineas.

The boys left, Perry ever at Phineas’s heel.

Lawrence shut the door behind them. “Shall we talk?”

“Yeah,” said Candace, standing up. “Come have a seat.”

They both sat on the side of Candace’s bed.

“Your mum told me, well… what little you said,” Lawrence began. “I must say, she’s pretty torn up about it. She’s regretting some of her past choices.”

“Regretting what?” Candace said bitterly. “That she never took me to the psych ward for my delusions?”

“Er… regrettably, that is where her mind has gone, yes, or somewhere along those lines. But we don’t have to talk about that. If you’d prefer to open up about what happened today…”

Candace considered. “No… no, let’s talk about this thing with Mom first.” She stared at him for a moment, and he leaned back, alarmed at the fierceness of her glare. “You’ve seen a lot of Phineas and Ferb’s inventions. But you’ve never told Mom that I’m telling the truth about them. You know that if Mom knew about the inventions, she’d flip. But you’ve never told the boys that. Why is that?”

Lawrence grimaced. “Well, it’s exactly as you said, Candace. She would flip. She wouldn’t understand. Without the proper context, she’d find their various antics just as dangerous and frightening as… well, as you seem to think they are even with context.”

“I end up on the bad end of a lot of those monstrosities.”

“You end up on the good end of a lot of them too, darling.”

“They… can be fun,” Candace admitted grudgingly.

“Serious question, Candace: have you ever seen what happens to Phineas when he’s forced against his will not to be creative, even for a single day? He all but loses his mind. If Mum caught him, he’d have to stop. If he knew Mum wouldn’t approve, he’d force himself to stop. I care about my son’s sanity. If he had to stop being himself, we’d lose him. I can’t allow that to happen.”

“And my sanity, Dad? Mine?”

“It does tend to be in a fractured state, doesn’t it?” he said sympathetically. He put a hand on her arm. “I think your sanity would be a lot better if you would just go with the flow, and enjoy those days of summer, instead of fighting so hard against the current.”

“I don’t…” she stammered. “I don’t want Phineas to break. I have seen how easy that is.”

“He’s a sensitive soul. He doesn’t always know how to keep it together when things go wrong.”

“So that’s it, then?” Candace demanded. “You’re just going to lie to your wife, to your sons? Until when?”

“Until the boys move out of the house and your mum no longer has the jurisdiction to bust them, I suppose. She’ll come around at that point, I’m sure. The world, I feel, needs your brothers’ technology. It’s mostly fun and games now, but they’re going to help a lot of people in time. Maybe even soon. You know, Ferb is doing an internship with Tony Stark next summer.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m almost jealous, but as far as working with superheroes goes, it doesn’t really sound like the kind of thing I’d be able to do.”

“I understand that,” said Lawrence. “You’re a superhero fan, aren’t you? I understand why you’re leery of lying. It’s the first thing we’re taught as a child never to do. Good people generally don’t lie, it’s not very heroic. But look at every superhero who’s ever had a secret identity. Those have fallen a bit out of fashion lately, but it does still happen. They have to lie their tails off to their loved ones every day and have a terrible time of it, but it’s for the greater good. That’s how I see this situation. I’m no superhero, myself, but many of those heroes at least have a few confidants. I’m the confidant who can keep the heroes safe until they’re ready to go public. Try to think of yourself that way. You like Spider-Man, right? Who does Spider-Man confide in, in his civilian life?”

“I don’t know, Dad. If anyone knew who Spider-Man’s personal friends are, people would figure out pretty quick who Spider-Man really is.”

“Oh. Right. Well, you get my point anyway.”

“I do, yeah,” she admitted. “So… that’s your lot in life, then? To keep the boys’ inventions a secret… from Mom, nobody else, because everybody else already knows… to preserve their future?”

“That’s about the size of it.”

Candace sighed. “I don’t think I can do that, Dad. I’ve gone too deep. I need her to know I’m not crazy.”

“Then… all I can say is, I’m sure everything will work out in the end.”

“Hmph.”

“I take it that it was some invention of your brothers that led to the very sudden development of your, erm, secondary sexual characteristics.”

“Yeah. I know it was a weird thing to ask of my little brothers, but… I needed it. It was a desperate time.”

“I understand.”

“You know, that’s only the second time I’ve heard the phrase ‘secondary sexual characteristics’ and I’m already sick of it.”

“Sorry, darling. It’s hard to talk about these things when you’re a dad, you know.”

“You don’t need to talk about my body, Dad.”

“Yes, well, it’s a part of your life you’re clearly very invested in. I feel compelled to say something. Not to just… ignore it and hope it goes away.”

“It’s okay, really.”

Lawrence fell silent for a moment. “You know, some people… who exactly slips my mind, but some people say that fifty percent of being a dad is just showing up. Even granted that fifty percent is a failing grade, I still think it’s too much credit to give the guys who just show up and nothing else. I’d like to clear that bar. I’d like it to be raised, then I’d like to clear it. I try to take this ‘being dad’ stuff seriously.”

She rested her head on his shoulder. “You’ve never let me down before.”

“In that case, tell me… what happened at school today that upset you so much?”

“Oh, God,” Candace groaned as the memory came back to her. “It was… completely my fault. I did a stupid thing and I paid the price.”

“Go on.”

She took a deep breath, steeling herself for the confession. “I didn’t wear underwear to school. At the end of the day, I… slipped. Fell flat on my back in the entrance hall. My legs spread wide, my skirt rode up. A little crowd of people, the last few stragglers heading home, they… they saw everything. All my lady business. They laughed and pointed. And… that’s it, that’s the whole story.”

He gaped at her. “Dear God, Candace. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s all good,” she mumbled. “I had it coming.”

“No… no you did not. You must feel awful, Candace, but I assure you, no one with any sense is judging you for what happened. Who exactly witnessed this?”

“Just some jerks. Not a lot of people, nobody important. Nobody with any sense, apparently, ’cause they judged me for it pretty hard. My only consolation is that I’m reasonably sure none of them got a picture, ’cause… one of them mentioned that they didn’t.”

Lawrence nodded solemnly. “Well, that’s an awful thing that’s happened, Candace. I daresay it’s that rare thing humiliating enough to… maybe justify transferring you to another school.”

“You think so?”

“If we must. Would you like us to look into that?”

Candace bit her lip and gave it serious consideration. “I mean, maybe? I don’t… really know how this is gonna go. I, um… I like my school. Not for the school part, but all the people I care about go there. I don’t want to lose these years with them. Why don’t we… why don’t we see if maybe I can live this whole incident down? If I can’t, we’ll talk about… about transferring me.”

“All right, Candace.”

“Thanks, Dad. I feel better.”

“Good.” He stood up, and she immediately did so as well. “You really think you can leave this awful incident behind you?”

“I’ll certainly try,” she said. “I am… monumentally humiliated, but I don’t want it to define me.”

“Good girl. You make me proud, Candace. Always.”

She silently nodded, too choked up at that to speak.

“But especially now, for not letting this embarrassing thing swallow you up. What will you do now?”

“Like now now?” Candace pondered. “First thing I’m gonna do is put on some damn underpants. You’d think I’d have done that the moment I got home, but I was just too depressed to do anything but sulk on my bed. I think I’m past that now. Ready to cover my shame.”

“As you wish, Candace. I just… hmm. Call it fatherly intuition, but I feel like there’s a part of that story you’re not telling me.”

She gave him a piercing stare. “It was a pretty humiliating story, Dad. A whole crowd of people saw my snatch. What more could there possibly be to it?”

“I suppose you’re right,” he said wearily. “I’m not known for the keenness of my intuition.”

“You do okay, Dad.”

They smiled at each other.

“So, yeah, I’m gonna get dressed,” Candace murmured. “And keep on… decompressing… for a little while. I’ll, um, I’ll come down and make amends with Mom sometime soon. Just give me some time.”

“All right, my darling,” he said softly. “I hope we see each other at dinner.”

“Love you, Dad.”

He left, careful to close her door tightly.

“Okie-dokie then,” Candace said to herself as she walked to her dresser drawers and began rifling through them. “Done trying to feel sexy for now, let’s try something that feels safe. Like… my old-fashioned granny panties with the cherry pattern, from the ancient history of… last week… oof, yeah, these will not flatter my new butt, but I don’t care about that right now. And while I’m at it, a longer skirt. A break from living dangerously.”

She removed the dangerously short micro-miniskirt she had been wearing all day, tossing it aside aggressively, and replaced it with the cherry-patterned briefs, followed by a knee-length, many-pocketed cargo skirt.

“That’ll do, Flynn. That’ll do. Now, how to really sort out what’s churning around inside my head? It’s all… rough seas, in there. Now here’s an idea…”

She stepped out into the hallway. “Perry?” she called quietly.

Seconds later, the platypus emerged from the boys’ room and trotted over to her.

“There you are,” she said lovingly. “Come here.”

She picked him up and took him into her room, shutting the door and holding him out to look at his face. “Have you ever heard of rubber duck debugging, Perry?” she said, as if speaking to a peer. “When computer programmers are trying to figure out what’s wrong with their code, they do it by explaining it to a rubber duck, line by line. It’s easier to spot the errors when they’re spoken aloud. I’m sure I could have found a rubber duck in this house if I’d cared to look, or, heck, any number of Ducky Momo items in this very room would have done the trick, but I choose you. You’re vaguely duck-like and generally unresponsive to most stimuli. You’ll do. And you won’t spill my secrets.”

Perry’s eyes went even more unfocused than usual. Pleased, Candace plopped herself and him down on the bed and started petting him.

“What secrets, you ask?” she went on. “Well, I didn’t tell those guys what really happened, now did I? I lied… at best, I editorialized. Left some stuff out. Why do you suppose I did that? I suppose I told Phineas why. You know… cryptically. I really, truly thought that Lisa would look right through me if I had boobs. But she didn’t. She saw me. I guess there’s just something about me that she doesn’t like. Instead of just screeching at me for being flat and breathing her air, she went right to physical assault… with a weird twinge of sexual assault thrown in.”

Perry couldn’t help but react, staring at her in disbelief. Fortunately, by this point she was staring into space, and Perry summoned the will to resume his well-rehearsed vacant expression.

“A swift kick right to my exposed vulva,” Candace marveled. “There’s hella nerve endings down there, Perry. It was awful. And not only did it hurt like hell, there’s probably a risk of infection too, right? Like kicking an open wound with a filthy boot? It sure felt like that. Who does that?”

Perry again couldn’t stop the shock from appearing on his face. He was sorely tempted to glare at her and demand clarification, but suppressed the urge, grateful she was looking away.

Candace sat up and groped her own breasts. “All the trouble I went to, first to get bras, then to get actual boobs, I did all that for her benefit and then it all amounted to nothing.” She squeezed herself hard, reveling in the pain, then looked up at the ceiling. “Rubber duck moment. For her benefit?! I didn’t do this for her benefit, I did it for my benefit!”

She stood up and kicked the air. “Everyone I care about, everyone who matters, everyone who has any sense, they’re enamored by these puppies. Enamored. Lisa doesn’t matter. Why do I care what she thinks about what I do with my own body…? Well, I care because I’m scared of her kicking my ass, that much is clear. But I—hey, get back here, I’m not done.”

Perry, figuring it his best move for staying in character, had jumped off the bed and begun making his way for the door, but she grabbed him and picked him up. He shot her a quick glare, but then made a point to nestle into her arms while she pet him, as she began pacing back and forth, from one end of the room to the other.

“Could have been worse, you know,” she pondered. “Imagine the horror if I had gone with Plan A, only stuffed my bra. She’d have swooped in on me straightaway and shredded me to pieces. Some correct choices were clearly made here, even if I strongly misjudged… a lot of things. I’m not gonna dwell on what I may have done wrong… with one exception… the obvious… if I was going to go commando I should have worn a longer skirt. That’s on me. Being pushed around by Lisa? That’s not on me. That’s her damage. And… okay… I don’t want to have to admit to anyone that I was wrong… but maybe I don’t have to. She’s never been discreet. People will see. Stacy will understand. We’ll figure it out together.”

Perry chittered, and she happily scratched him under his chin.

“I’m going to run for homecoming princess,” she went on. “Let’s see the homecoming princess be a bully magnet. Lisa’s new brand of violence, it was a bit sexual-assaulty in nature, but… I’m not gonna let that manifest as a paralyzing fear of sexuality. I’m as horny as I ever was, baby. Princess or not, Jeremy’s going to make love to me at homecoming and it’s going to be awesome.”

After pausing to think for a moment, she held Perry out to look him in the face. “And if such a fear does manifest,” she said sternly, “that doesn’t mean I’m weak. Trauma can happen to anyone. I just need to work through it. No matter what happens, I still want… loving, healthy sex…”

She kept staring at Perry for a few more seconds, hoping to trigger a reaction; she got none.

“Okay, Perry. Thanks for being my rubber duck. I think I’m done. I had a rough day, but… life goes on. None of which you understand a word of, you… strange, smelly creature.”

She set him down and let him out the door. She closed it, but he remained just outside her room, listening intently to see if she would say anything else.

“Well, then,” she remarked to herself. “Venting all my secrets to Perry feels like it was a gamble somehow. Ah, well, it’s not like word could actually get out. He’s a platypus. They don’t say much. He was merely… a healthy outlet. And I’m… I’m gonna lie down.”

~0~0~0~

Later, Candace returned to the living room, where Linda sat in the corner of the couch, staring at nothing, looking small and miserable.

“Hey, Mom.”

Linda looked up in alarm. “Candace…”

Candace held up a hand. “I’m sorry about what I said. I know you care and I don’t want to keep any secrets from you. It’s never been my intention to keep secrets from you.”

“Oh, honey…” Linda walked up to Candace and hugged her. “Your dad told me what happened. I’m so shocked. I can’t say I’ve ever heard of that happening to someone. You must be devastated. No wonder you took it out on me.” She parted so she could look Candace in the face. “You’re sure you want to go back to Danville High after that?”

“I’d like to… try,” Candace said. “See if I can live it down.”

They sat down on the couch together and were silent for a moment.

“You told me to wear underwear to school,” Candace finally said. “Moms know these things. I should have listened.”

“I suggested that you might want to wear a bra. I’m not passing any judgment on the way you choose to express yourself.”

“Well, I know one particular form of self-expression that I’m going to avoid for a while.” Candace hesitated before speaking her mind. “I think I should start seeing a psychiatrist. I feel like I’m getting signs that I need that. I’m anxious about so many things, and I’m depressed about life. And, believe it or not, I am aware that I have visual hallucinations. There’s this zebra, it’s a whole thing.”

“Okay, Candace,” Linda said softly. “I’ll start making some calls and get you the help that you need.”

“Thanks, Mom. But for the record, Phineas and Ferb really do engineer and build some impossible contraption every day of every school break. During the school year it’s closer to one every two weeks because, you know, they’re good students and they focus on school. But on vacations, especially summer, it’s pretty much daily, it’s been a routine part of life in Danville since they were seven, and everybody in town knows and thinks it’s incredibly weird that it somehow escapes your notice every single time. People talk about it and wonder what your deal is.”

“What people?”

“Um… well… Stacy brought it up sometime last week. That’s one time I’ve heard someone mention it. Nobody’s talking smack about you, we just think it’s odd.”

They sat in silence for a moment before Candace spoke again.

“Since I started really getting ready for school, I’m feeling like I’m finally starting to see things clearly. I know what I want, and what I need, and what I should do about it, and… and who I need to ask for help.”

“That’s good, Candace. I know you can handle it. You’re a lot stronger than you think.”

Candace managed a smile. “I love you, Mom.”

Chapter Text

A day later, Lisa was walking home from school, making her way through the residential streets of Danville alone when all of a sudden Phineas popped out of a back alley, wearing a green bowler hat, matching bow tie, and fuzzy black fake mustache, brandishing a cane.

“Greetings, Lisa Stone!” he declared in a rapid-fire voice. “You’ve been selected to be the recipient of a fabulous gift: entry in our most wonderful machine, the DNA Revampunow! It revamps you now. What do you say?”

Lisa stared blankly. The Revampunow was set up at the mouth of the alley itself, with Ferb at the control panel. Only then did she notice Buford, Baljeet, and Isabella, lurking several yards away and listening intently. “What is this?” she growled.

“Are you lonely? Discontented? Insecure?”

“No.”

“But of course you are! And we have the solution, my dear. Simply present a DNA sample to the Revampunow’s control panel and the machine will proceed to modify your appearance in any way you please. Some restrictions apply. Enter our fine machine and exit it with the exact body you’ve always wanted, and you can easily go about your life without projecting your insecurities onto others! What’ll it be, madam?”

Lisa leaned over Phineas and dangerously pointed a finger at him. “Listen here, you little Sneetch—”

Phineas interrupted her by gently pushing her finger aside with his cane. “Begging your pardon—very perceptive, this whole set-up here is an allusion to the classic Dr. Seuss story The Sneetches, but in this scenario you would be the Sneetch. I’m playing the role of McBean, your Fix-It-Up Chappie, the guy who… well, he was scamming the Sneetches, kind of. His machines worked as advertised, but he did stoke their jealousy and prejudice so he could eventually drive off with all their money. We’re not doing that here. All we want is for you to be happy, and we’re not charging a dime. You can’t possibly turn that down, now can you?”

Lisa shook her head in disbelief. “No, no, we’re not doing this—”

“Also, I don’t think McBean had a cane in the book,” said Phineas, examining his cane thoughtfully. “I’m pretty sure that was an addition for the animated special. I could be wrong, but if it was added in the animated version, I can see why. The whole getup and characterization feels kind of incomplete without a cane. Very Harold Hill, you know? But again, not a con. We get nothing out of this.”

“Oh my fucking God, stop talking!” Lisa barked.

Ferb hit a button, and a video camera mounted on a mechanical arm popped out of the back of the machine’s control panel, the arm aggressively extending so the camera could fix itself on Lisa’s face.

“What the hell is that?” Lisa said cautiously.

“I’d hate to think technology was progressing so quickly that a teenage girl doesn’t recognize a camera when she sees one,” said Phineas. “We figured it’d be safest to throw in a camera to capture any abuse or bullying that might occur in your presence. Best to be safe, don’tcha know.”

That visibly deflated her.

“Oh?” said Phineas. “Nothing to say?”

“What do you want me to say? Just get outta here. I wanna go home.”

“I implore you, my lady,” said Phineas, taking off his hat. “We have nothing but the utmost sympathy for your predicament. We’ve aided many girls who have a similar problem… well, ‘many’ is an overstatement, you’d be our fourth. But they’re very happy. Step into the Revampunow and we’ll—”

“Oh, just shut up! ” Lisa cried out, stomping her foot aggressively. “As if you think I don’t remember the dressing-down I got from you guys yesterday, whatever the hell that was supposed to be. I’m not insecure about my rocking tits, you fucking morons. How is this hard to get? Do little kids really not understand these things? These are my greatest weapon. Underclassmen worship me and by the time I’m a senior I’ll be running this school. And when I’m out of school, oh, who knows? I’m thinking… hottest swimsuit model in Danville. How do you like that?”

“Uh, well,” said Phineas, “if you want my honest opinion, the world of fashion modeling has very stringent standards and you’re simply not tall enough to make it in that industry. Not even close. It’s unfortunate and unfair, but… well, actually, you know what? It’ll hurt a bit and burn a dangerous amount of calories, but the Revampunow can make you taller.”

Lisa drew back her fist in rage, but restrained herself as the Seussian camera leaned in closer to her, menacingly. She dropped her arm, instead leaning over Phineas, giving him a deadly glare but a generous view of her expansive cleavage. “Not gonna happen, twerps. Now move aside.” Not waiting for them to do so, she brushed past Phineas and, a short distance later, powered her way through the other three kids as well. They watched her leave in silence until she was at least a block away.

“Wowza,” Buford finally remarked. “Ferb, did the camera pick up that epic downblouse shot?”

“What do you think?” Ferb said condescendingly.

“Well, it looked like the camera didn’t have an angle on it, but…”

“Well, there you have it then,” Ferb said simply.

“Oh, now you comport yourself within the bounds of reality. Real nice.”

“Comport?” Isabella said blankly.

“Yeah. ‘Comport’. I’m standing by that, that was the correct word.”

Frustrated, Phineas discarded his McBean getup, ripping off the mustache and bow tie and tossing the bowler hat aside. “Well, so much for my way. Did I do something wrong? Be honest.”

Isabella approached him. “Maybe reminding her that she’s insecure predisposed her to denying it?” she suggested. “I don’t know, Phineas. I don’t think any of us could have done ‘your way’ any better than you.”

“Then I guess I’ve done all I can,” he said glumly. “Baljeet, I think it’s your turn, by our… informal arrangement. Did you have an idea?”

“I did,” Baljeet said seriously. “I was thinking… we need to uncover her secret nerdy side.”

“Her what now?” Buford said skeptically.

“Everybody has one,” Baljeet said with absolute confidence. “Candace has her obsession with Ducky Momo, Jeremy LARPs on the down-low, even Buford is big in the Stumbleberry Finkbat community.”

“Finkies!” Buford said proudly.

“Yes, of course. Nerdy stuff is more acceptable now than ever, but everyone still has that secret part of themselves that they don’t share with anyone else. We need to find out what Lisa’s nerdy interest is.”

“Okay,” Phineas said thoughtfully. “And then what?”

“I’m not sure exactly,” Baljeet admitted. “I think I’d have to find out exactly what it is before we determine our course of action there.”

“Okay,” Phineas said again, more invested now. “And how do we discover Lisa’s secret nerdy interest?”

Baljeet spread his hands, as if it was obvious. “Obviously, we break into her house and rifle through her stuff.”

Buford perked up. “Suddenly, I’m very interested in Baljeet’s way. I approve, little buddy. Let’s do this.”

“Not right now!” Baljeet said frantically. “She’s on her way home right now!”

“No, of course not,” Buford agreed. “But we’ll find a good time. I love it. I love Baljeet’s way. Baljeet’s way make Buford very happy.”

“All right, guys,” said Phineas. “We’ll pack it up and regroup tomorrow, and figure out the best time and method to break into her house. Thanks for sticking with this.”

“Always, Phineas,” Isabella said tenderly.

“You know, it’s a shame she’s such a foul person,” Buford said thoughtfully. “Because she is attractive. Big boobs are such a rare and precious gift. Did you see that one giant blue vein running through one of them? Hot damn, that was fantastic.”

“Yes, Buford,” Isabella said tiredly. “That’s a typical feature of large breasts.”

“Well, nobody told me. It was fascinating. I could have stared at it all day.”

“It is none of our concern, Buford,” said Baljeet.

“Oh, throwing my own words back at me, real classy,” Buford grumbled. “Doesn’t make you better than me for trying to get a peek up Candace’s skirt, wise guy.”

“I tried no such thing!” Baljeet exclaimed. “It was a very short skirt and happened to be in my field of vision. Just like Lisa’s cleavage just now. I claim no superiority.”

“You’re just digging yourself deeper, Jeet.”

“Yes, probably.”

Chapter Text

Candace strutted happily up the walk to the Johnson house and confidently knocked on the door. When little Suzy answered the door, Candace didn’t flinch away as she usually did, but instead gave her a big smile. “Hello, Suzy!”

“Hello, Candace,” she replied, looking her over carefully before focusing on her face. “You’ve got nothing to smile about.”

“Mm, I beg to differ,” said Candace. “You’ve always insisted on being Jeremy’s favorite girl, and a part of me has always worried that I would always be second best. I’m not worried about that anymore.”

“And why is that?”

Candace cupped her own breasts, bouncing them theatrically. “I have boobs now. I’ll always be his favorite.”

Suzy rolled her eyes. “All right, Candace, take it easy. You’re still talking to a little kid. What if I were to, oh, I don’t know, ask my mommy what you meant by that?”

“You’re implying I would say something like that?” said Candace, mockingly appalled. “To you? I would never. Gosh, Suzy, people are going to start worrying about your little mental state if you go around telling lies like that. It’s weird enough that you’re jealous of your big brother’s girlfriend. Bit disturbing, really. But to be specifically jealous of your brother’s girlfriend’s boobs? Tsk, tsk. A bit unhinged.”

“Really?” said Suzy. “You’re gonna go ‘your word against mine’ on this?”

“I am. After your little ‘I’m here to make Candace look bad’ moment? My word beats yours every time.”

“Ugh,” Suzy growled. “I still don’t know why I said that.”

“Strange things happen in my house,” Candace said sweetly. “Not unlike the things that happen to people who don’t drink Wilkins Coffee. Sometimes I see a faint green beam coming from somewhere downtown, but investigations into what’s going on out there haven’t turned up much. Anyway, I’ve got your number now and you can’t beat me. Not anymore.”

“We’ll just have to see about that,” said Suzy, beginning to edge her way into the lawn.

“Going for the sprinklers again?” Candace said brightly. “Mm, good call. When this clingy white shirt gets all wet, every detail of my boobs will show through. Jeremy will love it.”

Suzy stopped. “I see you’ve thought this out.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that. I can improvise if you’ve got more.”

“Nah, I’m good.”

“Really? Wow. I really didn’t think you’d go down that easily. You have caused me ever so much grief, little Suzy. I thought for sure you’d at least say something about how it’s over for me in a decade or so when you get boobs.”

“Jeez, Candace,” Suzy said disgustedly. “He’s my brother. Just how psychotic do you think I am?”

“I think you’re pretty goddamn psychotic, but it’s nice to be proven wrong once in a while.”

Suzy opened the door wider for her and forced a smile. “Please, Candace, won’t you come in?”

Pleased with herself, Candace entered the house.

“There’s no need to saunter,” said Suzy, closing the door behind her. “What are your intentions with my brother today?”

“Good question. Let’s see, what have I got in my pocket?” She pulled something out. “I’d normally keep it in my bra, but as I may have already alluded, I’m not wearing one today! Now what is this? Why, it’s the big fat royalty check I get every month for my vocal contribution to the hit single by 2 Guyz n the Parque, ‘Squirrels In My Pants’. Hm, now who was it who put squirrels in my pants? Oh, that’s right, it was you. I guess I have you to thank for this money I’m going to use to take your brother out on a date to the food court.”

Suzy huffed. “Fine, whatever, enjoy your big fat royalty check. Small price to pay. For myself, I enjoy streaming that song on repeat because it’s full of the sounds of you in genuine anguish.”

“Whatever gets your blood pumping, Bubbles.”

Candace passed through the living room, where Mrs. Johnson was knitting on the couch.

“Hey, Mrs. Johnson.”

“Oh, hello, Candace,” she said. “Jeremy’s up in his room getting ready for you.”

“I know. Just wanted to stop and chat, and see how you’re doing.”

“Oh, that’s nice of you.”

Candace waited. Not receiving a reply, she asked, “So, how are you doing?”

“Eh, can’t complain. Not much going on.”

Candace waited again, but apparently that was all she was getting. “’Kay.”

She started to walk away, but quickly turned on her heel and came back.

“Mrs. Johnson, do you… I mean… I hope you know that your son and I are very much in love. In it for the long haul and all that.”

Mrs. Johnson beamed and put a hand on Candace’s. “I know, dear. Jeremy told me you’ve said as much. And I’m glad. Your mom’s been a very good friend of mine for a long time, so ever since you and Jeremy were little, I… well, it’s a bit weird, but I always kinda hoped.”

Candace smiled back. “I’m happy not to disappoint. I’ve been shooting for this since we were little too. I’ll, um… thanks. I’ll go get him and then we’re off to the mall. See you later.”

She went upstairs and entered his room without waiting for an invitation. He was lounging on his bed, reading a book and listening to music Candace could faintly hear through his headphones. He looked up as she entered and broke out in a grin that made her heart flutter despite her familiarity with it. He pulled out his headphones and stood up to greet her. “Hey, Candace.”

“Hey, babe. You ready to go?”

“Not quite.”

He closed the bedroom door and gently pushed her up against it. Chills ran up her spine as he ran his hands up the sides of her body; she seized him and they made out until they ran out of breath, parting with a loud slurping sound and gasping desperately.

“Okay, yeah, we definitely had to do that before heading out,” Candace said, flustered.

“Yup.”

Over his shoulder, Candace spotted a large banner hanging on his wall, a white flag bearing a black arrow and a thin purple stripe. “Say, Jeremy, what’s that flag? Haven’t I seen it on your backpack or in your locker, or something?’

“Oh, yeah,” he said, glancing back at it. “I’ve been kinda… wearing it proudly for a little while. It’s the demisexual flag.”

“Demisexual? I’m not familiar.”

“Well, basically it means I’m only attracted to people I’m attracted to.”

Candace blinked slowly. “So you have a sexual attraction to tautologies?”

He laughed. “Not exactly. It’s a form of being asexual. I don’t really feel physical or sexual attraction until I get to know someone really well and… want them because of who they are.”

Candace blinked again, now several times in rapid succession. “No kidding?”

“Took me a while to figure out what was going on,” Jeremy said earnestly. “Big relief to be able to put a label on it.”

“So what you’re saying is that you’re only sexually attracted to… if I may hazard a guess… me and nobody else?”

“Um… yeah, that’s accurate.”

“Wow. Jeremy, that’s a… aw, jeez, I told my asexual boyfriend I’d be heartbroken if we never had sex. That’s messed up.”

“It’s okay, Candace,” he said hastily. “I’m not that kind of asexual. I do want to have sex with you.”

“Still, that’s the sort of thing a partner should be careful about saying.”

“Candace… I’m into you. I’m fully on board with our plan to make it all happen at homecoming. I love your face, your hair, your neck. And the way your nipples go pointy when you get excited? Big fan of that.”

Candace reflexively thrust her chest forward so he could get a better view of what he had described. “I know. I’m just saying. So you’ve really never…? That’s… wow. I don’t mean to fetishize your orientation, Jeremy, but that is a very romantic orientation.”

“Yeah, I could see that.”

“Like, you really never look at other girls?”

“Well, there’s this one cartoon babe who I feel like I know pretty well after a hundred and forty episodes. Shoots lightning, hair blows in the wind, she’s pretty hot. But as far as real life goes, yeah, just you. Because you’re the only person I like in that way.”

“See, that’s fucking awesome,” Candace said pointedly. “I wish I could stop myself from noticing other guys. Because you’re the only person I want to notice.”

“It’s okay, Candace. I know how it works for… most people. I’m fine with you looking at other guys that happen to be around, as long as it’s just looking. ‘You can look, but you can’t touch’ I think is a fair boundary to set.”

“That’s fair,” said Candace. “There’s only ever been one guy that I ever, like… seriously looked at, really considered being with. In London. Only because he reminded me of you, and this was early summer, before we were dating, I had no idea at the time if I’d ever really have a shot with you…”

He put his hands on her face. “Well, I’d love to hear more of that story, perhaps this afternoon in the food court. It makes me a little sad that there was a time you didn’t know we would be together. I’ve kinda always assumed we had this unspoken thing.”

“I always thought I was imagining it and you didn’t even know about me,” Candace admitted.

“Oh, Candace…” He held her close. “I love you so much. I can’t believe you didn’t know I was always there for the taking.”

“Well, I mean, I knew you were there. And available. I couldn’t stop staring.”

“I noticed.”

“But, yeah, I know what you mean. I had zero idea it was… mutual.”

He kissed her. “And, just to set the record straight, as you were nice enough to do just now, there was one time I noticed a girl other than you. The visiting princess of Drusselstein.”

Candace scowled. “Of course. Baldegunde…”

“Because I thought she was you. Then she started talking, and it quickly became clear, at least to me, that she wasn’t you. So… then she didn’t do it for me anymore.”

“Mm, that’s nice. That’s very nice.”

“So, you know, everybody has a past,” he concluded casually. “Even when you’re two virgins planning to have your first time together, there’s always something. With that out of the way, can we, um… before we take off, can we make out until we can’t breathe again? Were you into that?”

“I was very into that,” Candace said eagerly.

Without another word, they were at it again, arms wrapped around each other, pulling each other close and grinding their pelvises together before, once again, they had to come up for air.

“Oh my God,” Candace whispered.

“Yeah,” Jeremy agreed. “Think I got that out of my system. So… do we go to the mall now?”

“I’m a little dizzy, but yeah. The mild oxygen deprivation, that was… that was something else. Also, one problem…”

“Yes?”

She glanced at the door suspiciously and stepped away from it, lowering her voice to a whisper. “Believe me that this reflects on you in only a good way. Me, I’m not so sure, but… you got me wet again. To a degree past ‘soaking’. I think ‘sopping’ is the word you usually see that’s a step beyond. Maybe ‘dripping’? Ew, no. That’s not very sexy. My point is, this may very well be the end of these panties, at least until laundry day. I can’t go to the mall like this, at any rate…”

“These things seem to keep happening to you,” he observed.

“Yeah, well, I blame you for being too cute. Would you mind lending me a pair of your, ahem, very sexy boxer briefs?”

“Sure, Candace,” he said, also lowering his voice. “What do we do with the panties you have on now?”

Candace eyed the door again, edging them a few paces away from it to make sure they were absolutely clear of eavesdroppers. “Um… hide them in your laundry basket, and switch back when we swing back here from the food court? I’m buying, by the way.”

“Big fat 2 Guyz n the Parque royalty check?”

“You know it.”

Chapter Text

In the breakroom of OWCA headquarters, Vanessa carefully brewed and sugared a cup of tea to exact specifications.

A distinctive chitter rang out in the empty breakroom, and Vanessa turned to see, as expected, Agent P standing before her.

“Hey, Perry,” she said. “Nice to see you.”

He smiled at her pleasantly.

“So, hey, I’ve gotta get this tea to Admiral Acronym before it gets cold, but while I have you, I wanted to run a couple of things by you, if I could, real quick…”

He nodded.

“So… I met Stacy Hirano recently,” Vanessa explained. “She told me that the two of you share a secret… so now I know that secret too. She wanted you to know that if you need any help from a friend, and can keep it on the down-low, she’s there for you. And now I can be there too.”

Perry nodded curtly.

“Great. So here’s another thing… obviously, I met Stacy through Candace. And Stacy revealed to me the connection you have with Candace and her family. So, first of all, I should apologize for stumbling into so many secrets that I really shouldn’t know. Um, that being said, I think it’s better this way. I do sort of hang with Candace, so it’s better that I know I can’t talk about work with her. Right? Better that I know there are beans to spill so I don’t spill them?”

He shrugged.

“Right,” Vanessa said with relief. “So, as long as we’re sharing secrets, can I share one with you?”

He beckoned her to go on.

“Stacy and I, we… well, we’ve kinda started seeing each other. We have our first date on Friday.”

His eyes widened in surprise.

“So, I’m sorry for entangling you in another of my secret relationships, but don’t worry, this one won’t stay secret for long. I just want to make sure this is a real serious relationship before I go around telling everybody. I’ve always been bisexual, but it’s not something I’ve ever really told anybody, such as my parents, purely because it’s never come up before in any meaningful way in my life. Not until now. So the time may come to bring it up, soon. I really like Stacy, but I don’t know if it’s the real thing yet. So… for now, keep it under your proverbial hat.”

He nodded.

“Of course, you have a real hat. That’s like your whole look. But yeah. Um… could you maybe watch over us? On our date? Just to make sure everything’s safe, maybe make sure Ferb doesn’t show up to try to interfere…”

He raised an eyebrow.

“I know, I know, Ferb can’t see you in agent mode,” Vanessa said hastily. “But, come on, you’re the best of the best. You can operate without being seen.”

Perry thought about that, then smirked and gave her a thumbs up.

“Thanks, Perry. Catch you later.”

She headed off with the cup of tea. Once he was alone, Perry retrieved from his hat a small photograph of Candace, contemplating what she had said to him. Her secret wasn’t as safe with him as she may have expected, though she was more right than she knew when she said he didn’t say much. All the same, he knew, it was a secret he couldn’t keep if the situation got worse. He nodded to the photo, keeping it on his person as a reminder to himself to keep monitoring Candace’s situation.

~0~0~0~

Stacy joined Phineas and Ferb in their backyard, finding them in the familiar position of poring over blueprints and hammering at some sort of structure. “Hey, guys. What are you up to?”

“Oh, hi Stacy,” said Phineas. “We’re making a fort, just so we don’t lose our edge. Just a nice and mundane one—nice three-story, pool in the back, complete with hot tubs and a water slide from the third floor.”

“Uh-huh,” said Stacy, eyeing the in-progress structure warily. “You know, Candace has been meaning to talk to you guys about that. Every time you try to do something ‘mundane’—your aunt’s wedding, the lemonade stand—it ends up being just as extreme and spectacular as everything else you do. It might be good for you to try something that’s actually mundane, things kids your age actually do.”

“I suppose that sounds healthy,” said Phineas. “What sort of things should we try?”

“Well… if you don’t know, I can’t begin to explain it to you, but maybe Candace and I can put our heads together and draw up a lecture.”

“Sounds good. Just hit us up when that’s done. What brings you here?”

Stacy hesitated, remembering her purpose. “I need to have a conversation with Ferb, actually. Can I borrow him for a moment?”

Phineas rolled up a blueprint. “Sure. I’ll go over here and make sure these are ready to go. Have a good one.”

“Thanks. I know he doesn’t talk much, but…”

“Oh, no, don’t worry about that. He’s not uncooperative or rude about conversations. If you really need him to say something back, he’ll do it.”

“Good, good…”

Phineas walked away, and Stacy approached Ferb, who was meticulously hammering nails into a tall beam.

“Hey, Ferb,” she said. “So… as I understand it, you’ve got a little crush on Vanessa Doofenshmirtz.”

He looked at her, inscrutable as usual.

“You know what?” Stacy decided. “That was condescending. You have feelings for her and they’re perfectly valid. Not ‘little’.”

Satisfied with that, he kept hammering.

“So here’s the thing,” Stacy went on. “I know you and I have never really been close personal friends, but I’m wondering… if it would ruin what friendship we have… if I started dating her?”

Now he looked surprised.

“’Cause, yeah, she asked me out,” Stacy said with a tight smile. “She knows how you feel about her and everything, it’s just… you’re a little young for her… and I’m not. You know?”

He nodded solemnly.

“So, we have a date on Friday, and I just wanna make sure… are we cool?”

He set his hammer aside and gave her a thumbs up.

“Really?” Stacy said eagerly. “Oh, that’s such a relief. I wanted this, but I didn’t want to, like, take her away from you. I completely understand that you really like her, because, well… I really like her too. I can relate.” She hesitated. “You know, she said that she can’t really see you that way right now, but that she might go for you, seven years from now, if you’re the kind of guy she could go for. And, let’s face it, why wouldn’t you be? She already thinks you’re awesome. I wouldn’t wanna be whoever’s dating her in seven years when you stride up, because it’s not gonna end well for that poor sucker.”

She offered up her fist, which he bumped with his own.

“I’ll see you around,” said Stacy. She turned and began to walk away.

“In seven years,” he said suddenly, “if it’s you who’s still dating her, I won’t contest it. I’ll stand aside.”

Stacy almost stumbled, and stopped walking. “Holy cow. Thanks, Ferb. That’s awfully generous of you. And I appreciate the vote of confidence. I don’t know if I can do anything for seven years, much less maintain a relationship. I wonder… I wonder if I can really make this last.”

Chapter Text

Candace and Stacy traveled through Danville High, from one bulletin board to another, pinning up small flyers adorned with Candace’s face, Jeremy’s, or both.

“Working on the campaign already?” said Vanessa, approaching them in the otherwise empty hall.

“Not really,” Candace said thoughtfully. “It’s early for that. Just putting our candidacy in people’s minds. Officially campaigning will come later on when the school starts sanctioning that sort of thing. Rallies, videos on the school news. I, uh, I don’t know the procedure, I didn’t pay much attention to this stuff last year. But I’ve joined the homecoming committee, so I’ll get a chance to see the inner workings of planning the event—as long as I don’t cause too much conflict of interest with my campaign.”

“Well, let me help you out,” said Vanessa. “Can I get a stack of those flyers? I can cover more of the juniors’ and seniors’ territory for you.”

“Thanks, Vanessa,” said Candace, passing her about half of her stack. “You know… it occurs to me you come hang out with us every break. Don’t take this the wrong way, but… don’t you have friends of your own?”

Vanessa smiled. “I have plenty of friends. All the punk types you may have seen lurking around the back door of the school, that’s my crew.”

“Well?”

She shrugged. “They have each other. I won’t be missed. I’d rather hang out with you two, if that’s okay.”

Candace beamed at her. “It is. That’s very okay. I really appreciate it, actually. We’re happy to have you.”

“Yeah,” Stacy agreed tenderly.

“Stacy, are you running for homecoming princess as well?” Vanessa asked.

“Me? God, no. I want Candace to win. If my name was in the ring, I’d just siphon votes away from her and neither of us would have a shot.”

“Aha. Very tactical.”

“She’s on my team,” Candace said proudly. “How about you? Will you be running?”

“Yeah, I think it might be fun,” Vanessa said casually. “Bit of campaigning, meeting some new people… something to do. I don’t think I have a chance of winning, but yeah, it’ll be a laugh.”

“Oh, come on,” Stacy chuckled. “Just your face on a flyer will have people eating out of your hand. You’re sure to win.”

Vanessa leaned against the wall, looming over Stacy, running a finger gently back and forth across Stacy’s collarbone. “I think you’re biased, Stace.”

Stacy giggled. “Candace, I don’t think Vanessa has any real idea of how hot she is.”

“I’m quite aware that I’m hot, thanks. Candace, tell Stacy she’s, maybe, a bit too obsessed with me? Not that I mind. She’s way off base, right?”

Busily hanging flyers, Candace took a moment to answer. “No, she’s absolutely right. If she’s biased, she got it from me. I told her before she ever saw your face that I think you’re the hottest girl in Danville.”

Vanessa blinked. “Come on.”

“I’m serious. You didn’t know?”

“Well, I knew I was the hottest girl in the punk crowd who hangs around in junkyards, but like… you’re telling me I’m… ‘mainstream’ hot? Maybe even ‘hottest girl in school’ kind of hot?”

“Yeah.”

“Intriguing,” Vanessa admitted.

“In fact,” said Candace, stepping up to Vanessa and inspecting her carefully, “I’d be willing to bet actual money that you’ll get some votes for homecoming queen, even though you’re a junior.”

“Oh, get real.”

“I’m not saying you’ll win. Nobody’s hot enough to completely overturn the system without even trying. But I can guarantee there’ll be a write-in campaign to make you the homecoming queen, and you’ll get a not-insubstantial amount of votes to that effect.”

“How substantial is ‘not-insubstantial’?”

“Oh, I’m thinking, like… at least thirty votes, probably more?”

Vanessa scoffed. “Preposterous.”

“Would you care to… put some money on that?”

“I would. How much are you thinking?”

Candace shrugged. “Fifty bucks?”

Vanessa pondered that, absently flipping through the stack of flyers. “I don’t really need fifty bucks.”

“Ohhhh, little miss ‘my mom’s so loaded I have a bra for every day of the year even though I don’t usually wear a bra’ doesn’t need fifty bucks.”

“Is that my name now? It’s a bit long.”

“I could use fifty bucks, Ness,” Candace said pointedly. “Wouldn’t be life-changing or anything, but I could have a pretty good weekend with it.”

“Fine. I’m just saying, you giving me fifty bucks when I win won’t make much of a difference to me. How about this: if you win, you get fifty bucks. If I win, you clean and organize every room in my mom’s house. I’ll even pay you fifty bucks for doing that job. ’Cause that’d be, like, a pitiful sum for such a big job. Right?”

“That’s using your head,” said Candace. “Hm, in that case, I don’t think I’m happy with just being handed fifty bucks when I win. That wouldn’t really inconvenience you in any way.”

“Oh, please. You really feel the need to inconvenience me?”

“What’s the point of winning a bet with you if all you have to do is hand me fifty bucks you’ll never miss? No, let’s have you give me five… hundred. No? No reaction on your face to five hundred? Okay, noted. Make it five thousand.”

“Can we make it one thousand?” said Vanessa. “I know my mom is loaded and all that, but my allowance is not entirely proportional. She tries to teach me responsibility and the value of money. She won’t even let me have a car, if I want one I have to convince my dad to get me one, and I’ve been failing at persuading him all summer. One thousand is doable, and you have my word it would inconvenience me.”

“Understood,” Candace said thoughtfully. “Okay, one thousand dollars… and I get to decide what you wear to school every day for a week. No, not an actual week; make it seven non-consecutive days of my choosing.”

Vanessa scowled. “What, are you gonna make me dress like you? All candy colors and tiny skirts?”

“At first, yeah, but I’ll probably get more creative later on.”

“Psh.”

“Not willing to take that chance, Vanessa?” Candace taunted. “I thought my theory was ‘preposterous’?”

“It is,” Vanessa said firmly. “Okay, you’re on.”

“Yay! As a candidate, I can’t handle the ballots ahead of time, but as a committee member, I’ll be able to look at the data afterward and see exactly how many people voted for you to be the queen.”

“All right,” said Vanessa. “So, to sum up, if you’re right, and I get thirty votes or more for homecoming queen, I give you a thousand dollars and you get to plan my outfit seven times.”

“That’s right.”

“And if you’re wrong—even a little bit wrong, twenty-nine votes or less, is that understood?”

“Yes,” Candace confirmed. “If I’m wrong, I clean your whole house for a mere fifty dollars.”

“Correct. Do we have a deal?” Vanessa offered her hand.

Candace shook it. “We have ourselves a deal.”

“I hate to say it, Vanessa, but you’re going down,” said Stacy. “At least thirty guys in this school definitely think you’re hot enough to be queen, and I’m sure most of them are willing to throw their vote away for that belief.”

“We’ll see,” Vanessa said simply.

“Also: what’s wrong with candy colors and tiny skirts?” Stacy challenged.

“It looks good on you two, don’t get me wrong,” said Vanessa. “But my usual style does not vibe with your kind of color schemes, and I’m more of a tiny shorts kind of girl. Suits my body better.”

“Your ass does look fly in tiny shorts,” Stacy said lustfully.

“Thanks, doll. As for you…”

Vanessa slipped her hands into the back pockets of Stacy’s jeans, and pulled her close, planting a kiss on her. “Whoever came up with the idea to combine a high thong with low-waisted jeans was a friggin’ genius, and you, Stacy, are a genius for realizing it looks good on you.”

“Oh!” said Stacy, blushing profusely. “Y-yeah, I went with the whale tail look today. Been pondering it for a while.”

Vanessa pulled at the waistband of Stacy’s thong and snapped it against her skin. “Keep pondering stuff like that, because you’re hot as fuck and I can’t wait to see what other looks you have. I’d want you to know that, even if we weren’t, you know…” In lieu of ending the sentence, she kissed her again.

“Anyway,” Vanessa went on, backing away from Stacy and holding up the flyers, “like I said, I’d better put up some of these before the bell rings. Candace?”

“Yes?”

“I’m gonna walk away now,” Vanessa said in a condescending tone. “If you could, please refrain from any further comments about the way my ass sways when I walk. It’s gotten old.”

“It’s just… incredibly distracting.”

“Not my problem.”

“Have you considered learning a new way to walk?”

“Why would I do that? I’m not the one who has issues with the way I walk.”

“Well, you’ve got me there.”

“I know I do. Catch you later.”

Vanessa turned away, revealing her tiny shorts to have the word “juicy” printed across the rear.

“Oh, come on!” Candace exclaimed as she walked off.

Vanessa looked over her shoulder and stuck her tongue out as she retreated into the distance, disappearing as she rounded a corner.

“Was that tongue gesture for you or me?” Stacy wondered.

“I’m pretty sure it was a ‘screw you’ aimed at me,” said Candace.

“Right. I thought so, but I thought maybe… never mind.”

“Speaking of juicy butts,” said Candace, “it occurs to me that she gropes your butt a lot, considering you haven’t had a first date yet. ’Sup with that?”

“Yeah,” Stacy admitted. “Yeah, that occurred to me too. One could also point out that we kiss a lot more than most couples who haven’t actually started dating yet, but yeah, definitely, she definitely gives my butt a lot of attention as well. I’d reciprocate, but I think I’m too shy.”

“Well, what gives, Stace? You said you wanted to grab her ass. When she showed us her boobs, you had your hands all over them.”

“I know. They felt amazing and I’m sure her butt does too. I don’t know… I guess back then it felt like a dream, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever see her again. Now she’s around all the time at school, and I’m like… I’m just me. What right do I have to fondle that spectacular butt?”

“Every right,” Candace insisted. “She can’t keep her hands off yours. What’s stopping you?”

Stacy hunched her shoulders meekly. “Maybe I’ll figure it out by Friday.”

“No, you know what? Here’s what you should do. Keep doing what you’re doing, but when you get together for your date on Friday… the moment you see her, give her ass a good squeeze. That’ll equalize everything, if you save it for that precise moment.”

“Really?”

“How the hell should I know?”

“Y… you just suggested…”

“Think of it as a dare if it helps. You’ve got to get your courage back sometime, Stace. I’m sure it’s a big part of what drew her to you. You can’t lose it just because you’ve suddenly realized she’s really real.”

Stacy swallowed hard. “Right. I’ll do that. First thing when I see her Friday at the sushi place…” She formed her hand into a claw and mimed squeezing with it. “Ass.”

“Attagirl.”

“And I should probably go for her boobs before the date’s over, right? She probably expects it of me, after, you know, I felt her up the day we met…”

“Oh, for sure.”

~0~0~0~

A bit later, Candace was in a bathroom stall. She stood up, pocketed her phone, and unlocked and opened the stall door, finding Lisa standing there, waiting for her, expressionless.

Frantically, Candace retreated back into the stall, but Lisa forced the door open before she could bolt it again, and Candace fell backward, cowering in front of the toilet.

In eerie silence, Lisa loomed over her. Using her foot, she lifted Candace’s skirt, checking underneath it, inspecting her to find she was wearing panties this time, plain briefs with green stripes.

Candace looked up at her fearfully, and Lisa smirked, bending over and whacking her over the head with the toilet seat. She left without a single word, and Candace curled up and shivered, crying more from the sheer terror she had just experienced than from the sharp painful welt now on the back of her head.

Eventually she stood up, breathing heavily, a horrible headache setting in, and staggered over to the sinks. She started washing her hands and looked at herself in the mirror.

“Well, that was terrifying,” she said to her reflection. “Wasn’t so bad. I can take it. I can take that shit every day if I have to. There’s nothing scary about one dumb girl who gets her kicks from beating the shit out of—”

Candace fell silent when a toilet flushed and a girl, another short blonde, emerged from another stall. Candace froze as the girl approached and washed her hands as well.

“You shouldn’t lie to your reflection like that, Candace,” the girl said after a moment’s silence. “She’ll start to think you’re not trustworthy.”

“Lay off me, Mindy,” Candace grumbled. “I’m not in the mood for you.”

Mindy looked offended, but as she left, Candace could see her in the mirror, shooting her a sympathetic look.

~0~0~0~

Back home, Candace knocked on Phineas and Ferb’s bedroom door. “Hey, Phineas?”

The boys came to the door and stepped out into the hallway to speak with her. “Hey, Candace,” said Phineas. “What’s up?”

“Well… you know how I’m running for homecoming princess?”

“Yeah. You had flyers printed out this morning.”

“Sure did. I wanted to ask if you’d help me with my campaign.”

“Oh, for sure,” Phineas said eagerly. “What’d you have in mind?”

“Nothing out of the ordinary!” she said hastily. “Just some basic stuff like graphic design for big posters… help me direct some videos to play on the school news, with special effects, and maybe… maybe one thing out of the ordinary, maybe some celebrity cameos…?”

“We’re on the job!” said Phineas, almost bouncing in place. “This’ll be the best homecoming princess campaign ever.”

“No doubt. Just… I’m only asking for help, okay, so I’m still in charge, creatively. Unconditionally.”

“Sure thing, Candace. We won’t step on your vision. We’ll bring you ideas and you can tell us if you approve.”

“One other thing.”

“Yes?”

“I can’t…” Candace bit her lip anxiously, not eager to express her thought. “I don’t want the campaign include your faces or voices, or your friends, or… anything else that could associate me with you guys. It’s… still the same Lisa issue, you know?”

“Right,” Phineas said seriously.

“So… I can’t let you take any credit for this.”

“That’s okay, Candace. We don’t do things for the credit.”

“Well, when you do most things, you should make sure you get credit, for the record. Just… not this.”

“That’s fine, Candace.”

“Thanks, guys.” She turned to leave, but soon turned back. “If there’s ever anything I can do for you guys, then… you know… I probably should.”

Phineas and Ferb glanced at each other. “I think we’re good, Candace, but thanks,” Phineas said warmly.

“Of course.”

Chapter Text

In the middle of Lisa’s bedroom, Phineas turned off the cloaking device which had made the five kids invisible. “Here we are,” he said.

“Nice place,” Buford observed. “She’s kinda rich. Figures.”

“Fan out, everybody,” Phineas ordered. “Learn everything we can about her. Something hidden somewhere in this room is sure to unveil her secret nerdy interest. Then… we do things Baljeet’s way.”

“I hope Baljeet’s way isn’t exactly like my way,” Isabella mused. “’Cause then I’d have to come up with something else. TBD, I guess.”

“We’ll hash it out once we find out what she’s into,” Baljeet promised.

Buford immediately went for her dresser drawers. “Let’s see… holy moly, these are big bras.”

“We know she has big boobs, Buford,” Phineas said impatiently.

“Yeah, but come on, in isolation, you gotta admit this is quite a sight,” said Buford, holding up one of the big bras to display it to the others.

“Well,” Phineas remarked. “It seems I do. I do gotta admit. That is… interesting. What’s the size?”

Buford checked the tag. “36G.”

“Hm. Only three sizes bigger than our girls? She seems bigger than that.”

“Well, you gotta take band size into account, not just cup,” Buford said knowingly. “Our girls may be D-cups, but we never discussed what band size. It’s an extremely arcane and byzantine system, and often inaccurate.”

“You do a lot of bra shopping, Buford?” Isabella teased.

“Let’s just say I did some research. I wanted to know what the heck all the numbers and letters meant. It wasn’t very enlightening, it’s not an intuitive system.”

“You researched bras.”

“Eh, I think it’s manlier to say I researched boobs.”

“If you say so.”

“All right, guys, let’s not hang around bantering too much,” said Phineas. “Lisa detail is important, but we have campaign videos to make too. So let’s get through this quickly… as quickly as we can while leaving everything the way it was.”

Isabella started searching the closet, and almost immediately gaped in shock. “Oh… my… God. Guys, I think I just hit the jackpot.”

“What is it?”

Isabella pulled a mask from within the closet, a detailed and fuzzy mask of a goat. “It’s a fursuit. Lisa… is a furry.”

They all stared in shock as that sank in.

“Not just a furry, but a goat,” Baljeet observed. “That’s dorky even by furry standards.”

“I wasn’t sure you were really onto something there, Jeet,” said Buford, stroking his chin thoughtfully. “She does have a nerdy interest. The nerdiest. So what do we do about it?”

“Okay, here’s my plan,” said Baljeet. Taking a deep breath, he proceeded: “We introduce her to other furries so she doesn’t feel so alone.”

“Oh, come on!” Buford bellowed.

“Buford…” Phineas cautioned.

“For like one minute, I really thought Baljeet’s plan was gonna be cool. What did I say before? I don’t want this monster to get what she wants. You know, I was really onto something with the Nazi thing. A disproportionate amount of furries are Nazis and vice-versa.”

“I don’t like it either, Buford, but we all promised we’d give everyone’s ‘way’ a fair shot,” said Isabella. “If Baljeet’s plan makes Lisa stop being a bully, then it’s worth doing. If not, then we move on to my way.”

Buford peered at her suspiciously. “And your way is…?”

“It starts with the same premise as Baljeet’s. We find something embarrassing about her. But then, I was thinking more along the lines of… public humiliation. The furry thing? That’ll work for my way too.”

Buford grinned wickedly. “Oh, I really like Isabella’s way.”

Phineas nodded. “As long as we’re looking ahead a few steps… Ferb, what did you have in mind?”

Ferb spoke softly, uncertainly. “Oh, I just thought we might film her at all times, get some video evidence of her bullying and abuse, and, er, get her in trouble with the proper authorities. Un-tie their hands, and all that.”

“Hrmm,” said Phineas. “You know, it occurs to me that none of these things are a long-term solution to the problem of bullying. Just Lisa.”

“Phineas, even you can’t put a stop to bullying worldwide,” Isabella said kindly.

“I kinda thought that’s where we were going with this,” he admitted. “But… I don’t know how to teach empathy on a grand scale.”

Isabella hugged him from the side. “Nobody does, Phineas. We’re doing all we can. Let’s keep going with Baljeet’s plan, and whatever happens, we’ll just keep going.” She looked deeply into his eyes, had to get a grip on herself to stop herself from impulsively kissing him, and backed away. “So, let’s get to it, right?”

“Right,” Phineas agreed. “Let’s remove any trace that we were here, and head out.”

Chapter Text

Stacy waited in the parking lot of the sushi restaurant, nearly bouncing on her heels with eager anticipation.

As the sun began to set, Vanessa pulled in on her scooter, parking and disembarking in a single fluid motion. Stacy’s jaw went slack as Vanessa removed her helmet and her long hair elegantly spilled out of it.

“Hey,” Vanessa said huskily, strutting toward Stacy, every step making a very deliberate clack as her high-heeled boots hit the pavement.

“Hey,” Stacy replied, her voice shaking.

“So glad we’re finally doing this,” Vanessa said passionately.

“Yeah.”

They hugged. Remembering what Candace had said, Stacy flexed her hand once in preparation before darting it down to give Vanessa’s butt a mighty squeeze.

Vanessa jumped in surprise. “Whoa! Where did that come from? You’ll have to take me there. I’ve been waiting for that, you know.”

“Yeah, I know,” Stacy said shyly. “Took me a while. Shall we?”

“We shall.”

They entered the restaurant and were quickly greeted by a hostess. “Hi! Table for two? Oh, hey, Stacy.”

“Hi, Wendy,” Stacy said cautiously.

“Haven’t seen you around in a while,” Wendy chirped. “Who’s your friend?”

Stacy hesitated. “Vanessa,” she finally said.

Wendy kept her wide grin plugged in for a moment, quickly realizing that was all she was getting. “Table for two, then?”

“Please.”

“Right this way.”

As Wendy led the way, Vanessa leaned in to whisper to Stacy. “I detected some tension there. Do we not like Wendy?”

“We don’t hate Wendy,” said Stacy. “But there’s a history there. Candace wanted a job at Slushy Burger, but Wendy insisted on competing with her for it, and it turned ugly and neither of them got it. Candace suspects Wendy wanted to work there to get close to Jeremy, but she could just be projecting. Since, you know, that’s why Candace wanted to work there. So, for Candace’s sake, I’m a bit wary of Wendy.” After a pause, she admitted, “Also, just between us, I was up for the job Wendy’s doing right now, so, I kinda get where Candace is coming from.”

“Here you are,” said Wendy, grandly presenting their table to them.

“Thanks, Wendy,” Stacy said as they sat. “Say, Wendy… aren’t you, like… Thai, or something?”

“I’m mostly Thai, yeah. Little bit of Chinese. Why do you ask?”

Stacy glared at her. “Come on. You know why.”

“What?” Wendy said defensively. “You think you have to be Japanese to wait tables at a sushi restaurant?”

“I’m not saying it should have made me a shoo-in, but you’d think it wouldn’t have hurt my chances…” Stacy muttered.

“Oh, that’s right,” Wendy realized. “You interviewed for this job on the same day I did. What happened there?”

“The owner was very excited when I said I was Japanese. Tried to talk to me in Japanese, but… I don’t speak Japanese. So that bummed him out.”

“Ah, I see. He knew I’m not Japanese, so he didn’t try that, so I didn’t have a chance to disappoint him.”

“That’ll do it.”

Wendy continued to beam at Stacy.

“Wendy, do you mind moving this along?” said Stacy. “I don’t mind socializing with you, but this is kind of a first date.”

“A date? You and… oh! Okay. My bad.” Wendy stared at Vanessa for a moment, then turned back to Stacy. “Wow. Nice one, Stacy. I didn’t know you had it in you. She’s very… she’s like… wow. I’m straight, but wow.”

“I agree, she’s very wow,” Stacy said impatiently. “Can you do the thing, or…?”

“Of course, of course. Here are your menus… and what can I get you to drink?”

“Peach ramune, please,” Vanessa said pleasantly.

“Just a Sprite, thanks,” Stacy muttered.

“Okay,” said Wendy. “I’ll be right back.”

Vanessa watched her walk away into the kitchen, then turned back to Stacy, putting a hand on hers. “So, I’ve been thinking… I feel like we clicked because we both liked hearing me talk about myself. Let’s talk about you.”

“Oh,” Stacy said blankly. “Well, I think that worked out. You’re really interesting.”

“Yeah, you keep saying that.”

“Heh, I guess I do. I keep saying it because what I’d like to say is that you’re ‘cool’, but since we’ve already established pretty well that you’re ‘hot’, I didn’t want anybody to go into some kind of tangent about how a person can be hot and cool. I just feel like, as tangents of snappy dialogue go, it wouldn’t be very funny.”

“Ah, okay. Yeah, I could see that. Makes sense.”

“So… you want me to talk about myself,” said Stacy.

“Please do.”

“Okay,” Stacy said carefully. “As I’ve mentioned, if we haven’t said the word ‘Japanese’ so many times that it’s lost all meaning, I come from a Japanese family. I live with my mom and my little sister Ginger… Mom’s a pediatrician, Ginger’s a Fireside Girl. And I’ve got a grandmother and lots and lots of cousins in Tokyo. My bāchan owns a tempura restaurant and the family’s made a little chain out of it, they’re quite comfortable and successful.”

“That’s all very good to know,” said Vanessa, “but I asked about you, not your family.”

Stacy gulped. “Me? There’s not much to say. Mom’s a really good doctor, everyone in our neighborhood counts on her to keep the kids safe and healthy. Really cool thing about my mom? Grew up in Japan, speaks English in a flawless American accent. You’d never guess she never set foot in America before she started medical school. Not unlike your uncle, actually.”

“Oh, sure. Uncle Roger had a lot of dialect training to sound like an all-American guy.”

“Yeah, not my mom. She got the same English education everybody else in Japan gets, she just really had a knack for it. She’s a brilliant woman, it’s no wonder she’s such a good doctor. And Ginger’s troop is the biggest bunch of overachievers you’ll ever see. But me? I’ve never really achieved anything.”

“I’m sure that’s not true,” Vanessa encouraged.

“Maybe not, but I definitely haven’t met my mother’s expectations of what a perfect Japanese daughter should be. At my age, a proper Japanese lady should have perfect grades, a part-time job, a buttload of extracurriculars, all the richest kids in town as her friend group, impeccable manners, and a ridiculously short skirt. I don’t have any of those things. You know the adage about an Asian with no A’s? That’s me.”

Vanessa nodded in understanding. “You do wear pretty short skirts, though.”

“Better than nothing, I guess,” she submitted. “Um… I won a game of miniature golf once, and that felt like a big deal. I beat Ginger at an obstacle course and got a trophy, that was a huge deal. And… I like shoes?” She winced. “That’s probably a deal-breaker, right? A cool girl like you wouldn’t be caught dead with some girly-girl who loves shopping for shoes.”

“Stacy, please,” said Vanessa, waving a hand. “I’m not some kind of poser who claims I’m ‘not like other girls’. I like shoes too.”

“Yeah?”

“You and I probably have very different taste in shoes, but you know, that’s okay. Of course I like shopping for shoes. I’m a chick. Come on.”

Stacy smiled, and some of the tension in her shoulders dissipated. “So, that’s about it. Pretty much all there is to me. Except for one other thing.”

“What’s that?”

“Candace Flynn is my very best friend in the whole world, and above all else, I think that’s what defines me. That I belong to her. I would die for her if she asked me. Well, maybe not if she asked me. That would be a little callous and I’d have to think about it. But if she really needed me to die so that she would live, and, you know, had the decency not to ask? No hesitation. So… beyond that… I don’t really know who I am.”

Vanessa grasped Stacy’s hand. “Why don’t I help you find out?”

“What?” she said in alarm. “Come on, Vanessa, you don’t have to do… that. I just want you to be my girlfriend, not my therapist or life coach or something. That’s not appropriate.”

“Okay. Well, how about we just do that, then?”

“Do what?”

“Me, being your girlfriend?”

Stacy blushed. “Oh, shoot, I really said that. That was premature.”

Vanessa reached out and took Stacy’s other hand as well. “Maybe so. I don’t mind so much. Can I be your girlfriend?”

Stacy nodded. “Okay, yeah,” she said with a tremor in her voice.

Vanessa wiped a tear from Stacy’s eye. “Well, as your girlfriend, can I come along on your journey as you try to figure out who you are?”

She continued nodding, almost frenetically. “Yes, yes you can. Very smooth, girl.”

“Happy to be there for you, babe.”

Stacy leaned over the table and started kissing her passionately.

“Aww!” said Wendy. “You guys are adorable.”

Stacy parted from Vanessa’s lips and winced. “Damn it, Wendy. I’m never gonna finish making out with this girl if people keep interrupting.”

“Sorry,” Wendy said casually. “I’m here with your drinks. Maybe next time save the meaningful conversation for after you’ve looked at the menu? My time is valuable too, you know.”

Stacy sighed. “I’m sorry, Wendy. Can we have another five to ten minutes to look at the menu?”

She gave them their drinks. “Sure thing, girls. You really are so cute together. BRB.”

Wendy scampered away, and Stacy and Vanessa opened their menus for the first time, both of them blushing slightly.

There was a little tap at the restaurant window. They both turned to see Agent P standing there, who gave them a thumbs up before darting off into the darkness.

“Aw,” said Stacy. “Perry. That’s nice. Everybody approves. That’s pretty cool.”

Vanessa nodded. “People looking out for us.”

They looked into each other’s eyes.

“Yeah,” said Stacy.

“Yeah,” Vanessa agreed.

Hurriedly, they looked back at their menus.

Chapter Text

Candace sat alone in her bedroom, staying up late, waiting.

Finally, she got what she had been waiting for: a call from Stacy. Candace jumped upon the call and her eyes went wide when Stacy’s eager grinning face appeared on the screen.

“Stace!” Candace exclaimed. “Hey. Wow… look at you. You look happy. I take it the date went well?”

“Went so well,” Stacy gushed. “Do I have a story for you.”

“Lay it on me.”

“So… early on, we made it official. We are girlfriends now.”

“Really? On the first date?”

“Hold that thought, you’re gonna need it again later.”

“Oh my. Okay, go on.”

“So, Wendy was there,” Stacy said. “She was our waitress. That was kind of a buzzkill.”

“Meh.”

“But, uh, once the food arrived… I mean, I couldn’t resist, I haven’t had sushi in a while. I got several rolls that include garlic butter. Positively sinful. But, eh, never mind the food. Vanessa drove me home on her scooter, so that was nice and intimate, me sitting behind her, with my hands around her waist… kinda let the tension grow, you know?”

“Mmm,” Candace said supportively.

“And when we got to my place, I invited her in for a cup of tea.”

Candace grinned. “Stacy, you vixen, as if you actually drink tea.”

“I sure don’t!” Stacy giggled. “Just a good excuse to keep her around a little longer. So I made tea, we kept talking… we had the whole house to ourselves—you know how it is, Mom’s always at some upscale gathering, Ginger’s always doing Fireside Girl stuff, so it’s usually a pretty good bet that I’ll be alone in the house in the evenings. So… with no chances of any further interruptions… we finally started making out properly.”

“Oh, that must have felt so good.”

“It sure did. I got in some more butt squeezes, got a bit of boob action, and then…” Stacy hesitated, but proceeded. “Somehow, she charmed me completely out of my clothes. And she ran her hands and tongue all over my entire body until I had to beg her to stop teasing me and just give it to me… so she did. And… and after that, what could I do but return the favor? I think I did pretty well, doing that. So… yeah.”

Candace gaped. “Oh. My. God. Stacy. Are you telling me you guys had sex on the first date?”

“I, uh… it would seem we did. That is what I’m saying. Yes, we did do that.”

“My God.”

Stacy smiled sheepishly. Candace was aghast for a few seconds more, then: “How was it?”

Stacy shrugged. “Oh… you know… about how you expect a first time to be. Weird and awkward and overly sweaty. But also… fun and exciting and so, so intimate. We couldn’t stop giggling. When we weren’t, you know… moaning.”

“Uh-huh,” said Candace, her mouth dry.

“So, yeah,” said Stacy, tossing her head breezily. “Ups and downs, but I’m feeling pretty good about it.”

“What, uh, what happened next?”

“Oh, she’s still here. We literally just finished.”

Stacy angled her phone to get Vanessa in the shot, and Vanessa waved to Candace before snuggling in close to Stacy.

“Candace… I really have to thank you for introducing me to this… this vixen,” said Vanessa. “I’m crazy about her. I think I owe you one.”

“We both do,” Stacy affirmed. “We’re crazy about each other.”

They began gently kissing each other, Stacy unsubtly keeping her arm aloft to keep them on-camera.

“I’m seeing a lot of bare shoulders,” Candace noted. “Are you naked?”

“Mostly,” said Vanessa. “I am completely, but Stacy kept her socks on.”

“Yeah. My toes get cold. Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. Sexiest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”

“Did you imagine you’d be doing this on your first date?” Candace prodded.

“Imagine? No,” said Stacy. “Maybe I kind of… hoped? Somewhere in the back of my mind? I never in a million years dreamed it would actually happen, though.”

“I hoped,” Vanessa admitted. “I really hoped. But I wrote it off as wishful thinking, even when I went out to get a bikini wax the other day… you know, just in case.”

“Aha, I thought that’s what I was looking at,” said Stacy. “That was nice. I wish I’d thought of that. I didn’t even shave my armpits. I think I should have done that. Should I start doing that?”

“Only if you feel like it, babe,” said Vanessa. “I’m good with you either way.”

Vanessa started nibbling on Stacy’s bottom lip. Stacy’s eyelids fluttered and her grip on her phone slackened, but she quickly gripped it tightly and leaned toward it, making sure Candace was still present. “Sorry about that,” she said.

“No worries,” said Candace. “It’s easy to forget about me when you’ve got your big titty goth GF right there. Congrats on snagging that.”

Stacy lit up. “Oh my gosh, I do have a big titty goth GF!”

“All right, calm down,” Vanessa said wearily. “I’m not a big titty goth GF.”

“Why not?” Stacy pouted.

“Two reasons. One, I’m not goth. People call me goth all the time because I dress all in black and sometimes I go out with my lips or maybe my eyelids in outrageous colors, but come on, have you ever seen a real goth? The hair, the white faces, the spikes all over? If I strolled up to a goth clique and tried to act like I was in their scene they’d laugh me right out of there. If goth kids laughed. They don’t, really. I suppose they jeer.”

“Right,” Stacy acknowledged. “You said before that you were in the punk scene.”

“Correct. Maybe I don’t look much like a punk either, but I’m definitely not goth. Secondly, I don’t think I really qualify as a big titty GF when my GF has the exact same size tits as me—which, may I remind you, was a conscious choice on your part, you actively modified your DNA to be exactly as big-tittied as me.”

“I suppose,” said Stacy. “Couldn’t help myself. I love your tits.”

“I love your tits in my mouth.”

“I love your mouth on my tits.”

They started kissing again.

“This is moving pretty fast, girls,” Candace said uncertainly.

“Yeah, well, we did start making out ten minutes after meeting,” Stacy said jovially.

“I think that’s just kind of a thing with girl-girl relationships,” Vanessa said thoughtfully. “That they move really fast.”

“Really?” said Stacy.

“Maybe. I’ve seen memes and stuff about it, so I suppose it’s a stereotype of some kind. Never really looked into that, but I get why. Everybody likes girls more than guys, you know? People who are attracted to men are always like, ‘Ugh, I have to find a man, I guess, jeez’ while people who are attracted to women are more like, ‘Fuck yes, let’s do this, chicks will be there, I want them all, give me girls’. So in a relationship between two girls who like girls… I can see wanting to get the fluff out of the way early.”

“I couldn’t picture myself losing my virginity on a first date with a guy, so, yeah, that checks out.”

“God, you really just did that,” said Candace, bringing a hand to her forehead in disbelief. “Both of you, right?”

“Yup,” said Vanessa. “Two virgins. Only, not anymore.”

Stacy giggled.

“How about you, Candace? Still a virgin?”

“Since we established two weeks ago that I need to get laid?” said Candace. “Yeah, still.”

“Just thought I’d ask,” said Vanessa. “It’s not like it takes very long.”

“I got you, but yeah, me and Jeremy… we’ve been heating things up lately, he’s been getting a lot of tits and ass now that I, you know, actually have those. But we haven’t gone all the way. Yet. We have plans for homecoming. We’re gonna have our first time at homecoming.”

“Oh!” Stacy said excitedly. “Like if you both win the crowns?”

“That would be a good omen, but no, the election was an afterthought. Whether we win, or don’t, or if, God forbid, just one of us wins, we’re going to have sex that night regardless.”

“Cool, Candace,” said Stacy, grinning broadly.

“That’s the plan, but we might do something spontaneous like you guys in the meantime, for… third base purposes. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.”

“Well, I should probably take off and head home,” Vanessa lamented. “Candace… thank you, thank you, thank you. Talk to you later.”

Vanessa slipped offscreen, and Stacy silently watched her, a hungry expression on her face. A moment later, a fully-clothed Vanessa got into the frame again and gave Stacy a firm and aggressive kiss goodbye.

“I had a great time tonight, Stacy,” Vanessa said in a husky voice. “I can’t wait to see more of you.”

“I’m wearing nothing but socks, there’s not much more of me to see.”

“Then your feet and ankles are still a mystery to me. A mystery worth uncovering, sometime later.”

“No doubt.”

Vanessa left. Stacy watched her go and didn’t look back to Candace until the front door loudly opened and shut.

“I mean… yeah!” said Stacy, somewhat flustered. “What she said. Thank you for introducing us.”

“I never imagined this was where it would go, especially not at this speed, but you’re welcome.”

“Well, I took advantage of it. Thank you, Candace. I love you.”

“I love you too, Stacy.”

“Welp, I’d better get dressed before anyone gets home. See you tomorrow.”

“See ya.”

Stacy hung up, and Candace immediately sent a text to Jenny: OMG! Stayed up late to hear from Stacy after her date with Vanessa. They totally fucked on the first date.

Jenny’s response came moments later: !!!!!

Candace giggled and texted back: IKR? Let’s pump them for details on Monday. For now, I’m going to bed.

Jenny replied: For sure. Night-night.

Candace set her phone aside and lay down flat on her back in her bed. “Unbelievable,” she said to herself. “But awesome.” She slipped under her sheets and blankets and curled up tightly.

Chapter Text

Phineas sat alone on a bench in the middle school courtyard, unpacking food items out of his lunchbox. As he started digging into a peanut butter sandwich, Baljeet sat next to him and sighed heavily.

“Hey, Baljeet,” said Phineas. “Why so glum?”

“I’ve just had a very bad experience with the Asian Student Union,” he said miserably. “It sounded like the kind of club I could join for an enriching experience. To my surprise, it was populated entirely by very pretty and glamorous girls, their itinerary dedicated exclusively to discussing makeup and nail polish, but I didn’t let that deter me. They acted… confused that I was there. And it pretty quickly became clear why. Ugh, maybe this whole thing was my fault, but you know how it always gets me ranting when people say I’m not Asian. It’s not even a matter of pride, it’s simple common sense geography! Where is India if it is not in Asia? We are right next to China and very nearly as populous. If by Asian you mean East Asian, then call your club the East Asian Student Union! I… I said a lot more than that, but you get the idea. I should not have unloaded on them so hard, but it’s a thing that gets under my skin.”

“I’m sorry, Baljeet. So, uh, then what?”

“They took me at my word. They are now the East Asian Student Union. I reported them to the school for discrimination, but it was pointed out to me that if you’re allowed to have a group for Asian pride, you’re allowed to narrow it down a little. I guess. Fair is fair. I attempted to retaliate and start a South Asian Student Union, but, well… there aren’t very many South Asian students in this school, and they’re all cool and popular and reluctant to associate with me. Good on them for subverting stereotypes, I guess.”

“Sounds rough.”

“Yeah.” Baljeet sighed again. “I guess I need a new way to channel all my effort into being more popular and meeting girls.”

“Is that really where you want to put all your effort?” Phineas inquired. “Don’t you usually put most of your effort into math?”

Baljeet looked at him in surprise. “Math doesn’t take any effort.”

“Of course. What was I thinking?”

“Though in point of fact, I may have an in there,” said Baljeet. “Wendy is rather popular for a math club girl, you know. And by Wendy I mean Wendy Stinglehopper, the pretty girl who runs the math club here at the middle school, not Wendy the high school girl who works at the sushi restaurant.”

“That wasn’t necessary. I knew who you meant.”

“Just thought I’d clarify. There’s more than one Wendy in this town. And Wendy Stinglehopper…” An involuntary shiver ran up his spine. “I like her a whole lot, Phineas, and the crazy thing is I might actually have a chance. She’s pretty and popular, but… you know… she runs the math club. And math is my whole deal. I might be her type! When have I ever been someone’s type?”

“What about Ginger?” Phineas asked.

Baljeet frowned. “Ginger Hirano? What about her?”

“Okay, that wasn’t necessary either. How many Gingers do we know?”

“Sorry. But, erm, what’s this about Ginger?”

“She likes you, dude,” said Phineas. “She’s always asking what you’re up to and then sighing dreamily.”

“She… really?” said Baljeet. “I barely know her.”

Phineas shrugged. “Well, she’s not often seen outside of the usual tight-knit gaggle of Fireside Girls. But she certainly knows you.”

“What could we possibly have in common?”

“I dunno, I’m just saying, maybe keep things simple,” said Phineas. “Wendy is unknown territory, but Ginger, she’s part of our immediate group of friends and we know she’s into you. How easy would it be to acknowledge and accept the affections of a cute Fireside Girl who’s already loyal to you?”

Baljeet stared at him. “Wow,” he pronounced.

“What?”

Baljeet smirked. “There’s no way Isabella heard you say that, and yet if we listen carefully I think we can hear the brain aneurysm she’s having over it.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Phineas demanded.

“Nothing at all, Phineas. You know, your naïveté is usually charming, but sometimes it can be absolutely infuriating.”

Phineas blinked. “I’m sorry. I don’t… I don’t see how it’s naïve of me to point out that Ginger very obviously has a romantic interest in you.”

Baljeet thought about that, absently opening his own lunchbox and producing a single baby carrot, which he slowly bit into. “Well, I’ll look into that. Me with a Fireside Girl? Imagine that.”

They ate in silence for a moment.

“So, how was Lisa detail yesterday?” Phineas asked.

“Not ideal,” Baljeet said grimly. “As planned, I put up a flyer for the furry club on her locker. She saw it, took it down, and immediately walked it over to a trash can, tore it into pieces, and threw it away, all while making eye contact with me. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have been standing out in the open where she could see me while watching to see what she’d do. That was my bad. So much for my way.”

“That’s all right, buddy,” said Phineas. “You know, my way fell flat pretty much instantly too. No plan survives contact with the enemy, and she’s quite the enemy. We’re moving on to the big guns now, it would seem… Isabella’s plan for public humiliation. I think we can do it with campaign videos. Not Candace’s campaign videos, of course. We don’t want Lisa to retaliate against Candace. But some anti-Lisa videos to play around the school.”

“A smear campaign,” Baljeet said fiercely. “Bullying the bully back.”

“Exactly.”

“That Isabella, she can be vicious.”

“Hey, Baljeet?”

He looked up in surprise. Ginger was meekly standing before them.

“I, um… hi,” she said. “I just heard about what happened between you and the East Asian Student Union and I’m simply appalled. It’s awful, what they did to you. I’d just joined them and I immediately resigned. I don’t want to be part of a group that treats people like that. I’d rather stand in solidarity with you.” She held out her fist, offering it to him.

“Oh,” he said in surprise. “Thank you, Ginger.” He fist-bumped her, making her grin broadly as she danced on her heels.

“My pleasure,” she said. “The group as a whole let me down anyway, I thought they’d be more political. I stayed for a few moments longer anyway because, as a matter of fact, I would like to learn a little more about makeup… but… I can get either of those things somewhere else. Not in a club of snooty rich girls. If there’s anything I can do for you, just ask.”

Without waiting for an answer, she walked away, gleefully clicking her heels together as she did.

Phineas held out his arms, presenting her retreating figure. “Ah?” he said invitingly.

“That was decent of her, but I hardly think it’s a sign that she like-likes me,” Baljeet said grumpily.

“She seems pretty proud of herself for having spoken to you. You don’t get that way over cheering up a friend.”

“I still find the claim dubious.”

Phineas, finished eating, stood up and wiped his hand on his shorts. “As you will. Just think about it.”

Chapter Text

Linda was folding laundry in the living room. Candace peered into the room and approached her, with light swagger in her walk. “Hey, Mom. Wanna hear something crazy?”

“Sure, Candace. Something crazy would be a great change of pace from what we usually talk about.” She looked at Candace, and her face instantly fell.

Candace slowly nodded in acceptance. “All right, I can see you regretted saying that immediately, so I’ll just… move past it.”

“Appreciate that, Candace. I’m… sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it, I’m just gonna move on to my story.”

“Okay.”

“So, recently I introduced Stacy to my friend Vanessa. Have you ever met my friend Vanessa? Tall brunette, dresses all in black, almost obscenely curvaceous?”

“Doesn’t ring a bell.”

“No, I didn’t think so,” Candace said thoughtfully. “Anyway, the two of them really hit it off. When I brought them together, I wasn’t thinking, ‘hmm, I bet Stacy would really hit it off with this girl,’ I was just thinking, ‘hey, here’s a cool older girl who can help me and Stacy with things like… bra shopping.’ And we did, we did do that together.”

Linda nodded. “That answers that question. Go on.”

“Well, as you may have guessed, they did hit it off,” said Candace. “They’re dating now. It’s super serious.”

“Really?”

“Yup. Stacy’s got a smoking hot girlfriend and I’m so super proud of her. And myself! I’m, like, epic ninja matchmaker. It’s so cool.”

“That’s sweet, Candace.”

“So, here’s the thing,” Candace said eagerly. “They want to introduce each other to their families. And I’d like us to host the dinner party where they do that. Here.”

Linda hesitated. “Us? Here? Why here?”

“Because I’m epic ninja matchmaker,” she said proudly. “I brought them together and I want to help them with the whole ‘coming out’ thing. So, can we do that? Say, Friday? A big dinner party for the Hiranos, and Vanessa and her parents, and our whole family too, we’ll be there too.”

Linda pondered that as she folded. “That’s kind of a big event to put together on short notice.”

“I know, but I kinda hoped that with your lingering guilt about not believing a word I say, I could persuade you to do stuff like that for me.”

Linda glared at Candace, who was grinning smugly.

“All right, Miss Smuggy-Pants,” she said dryly. “I do still feel bad about that and I’d do anything to make you trust me again, but, Candace, if I’m gonna throw this party for you, you’re going to help, right?”

“Yes, yes of course!” Candace said gleefully. “This is my party and I’m gonna put in the work.”

“All right, let’s do this.”

“Eeeee! Thanks so much, Mom.”

Linda pulled up the next shirt with a flourish. “How many people are we feeding?”

“Well, there’s the five of us. Plus Stacy, Ginger, Dr. Hirano. And Vanessa and her parents, that’s eleven.”

“Okay. That’s doable. Stay close to me and we’ll get this done.”

“You bet.”

Candace sat down next to Linda and started helping her sort through the clean clothes. Linda watched her out of the corner of her eye, seeing that her smile wasn’t faltering, still plastered across her face.

“You’re really excited about this,” she noted.

“It’s so important,” said Candace. “Stacy’s my best friend, and Vanessa… we weren’t super close before, but now that she’s sleeping with Stacy, hey, she’s an important part of my life now too. I really want to help them make a good impression.”

“I’m sorry, she’s sleeping with Stacy?” Linda said in alarm.

“Whoops, I probably wasn’t supposed to say that,” Candace said sheepishly. “But… yeah.”

Linda paused. “When you said that Vanessa is older…?”

“She’s not older older,” Candace said hastily. “She’s a junior. She’s Jeremy’s age.”

“Okay, good. You scared me for a second there.”

“Mom, please. You think I would set Stacy up with some older woman who’d take advantage of her? I am epic ninja matchmaker. Haven’t you been listening?”

“You might have to run the whole thing by me again, I missed whatever part of this makes you a ninja.”

“It’s not important.”

Linda absently fiddled with another garment, still a bit stricken. “And you’re sure they’ve had sex?” she said quietly.

“Pretty sure. They called me right after they were done.”

“I have to admit, jumping into bed with some girl doesn’t sound like the sort of thing Stacy would do.”

“Well, she’s not just some girl,” said Candace. “She’s the it-girl of the whole school. Here, I think I have a photo…”

She took out her phone and scrolled through it, finding a picture of Stacy and Vanessa posing together. She displayed it to Linda.

“Here she is! Isn’t she a dish?”

“She’s certainly a pretty girl.”

“She’s not just pretty. She is hot. Probably the hottest girl I’ve ever seen.”

“I’ll take your word for it.”

“You don’t… you don’t think she’s hot?”

Linda shrugged. “What is she, sixteen? She looks sixteen to me.”

Candace frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I’m pushing forty, Candace. People in their late thirties tend not to see the sex appeal of people in their teens.”

“…Really?”

“It’s kind of considered deviant behavior, hon.”

“Well, I know that, but… you don’t even see it?”

“It’s just part of growing older,” said Linda. “Normal people are attracted to people their own age. At my age, teenagers look…” She held up her hand, thumb and forefinger held less than an inch apart. “About that different from little kids.”

“No kidding?” said Candace, turning her phone and looking at the picture herself, puzzled. “She doesn’t look much like a little kid to me.”

“Of course she doesn’t. She’s older than you, and, well, everyone perceives themselves as pretty much grown-up. So I imagine that from your perspective, she looks very mature.”

“Huh. So is she, like… not?”

“Look, I’m sorry to disappoint you that I don’t think your friend is a hottie. I can tell that being a little sexy is what she’s going for, if that helps, but the important thing is if Stacy finds her attractive. If she does, hey, I’m happy for them both. More important than that is if she treats Stacy right.”

“She does,” said Candace. “She so does. So… wow. My attraction to Jeremy must be completely inexplicable to you.”

“It’s explicable, I just don’t share your attraction.”

“Meh, that’s probably for the best,” Candace admitted. “So, shall we start getting that dinner party ready?”

“Let’s do it, Candace.”

~0~0~0~

Ginger passed by Stacy’s room, to find Stacy suddenly popping out, having seemingly been waiting for her. “Hey, Ginger, can we talk for a second?”

“Uh, sure.”

Ginger entered the room and joined Stacy, seated at her desk. “What’s up?” she asked.

“Well… you know that super, mega-foxy, awesome-hot broad I’ve been dating?”

“Yes, I’m familiar,” Ginger said dryly. “You don’t have to specify that she’s ‘super mega-foxy awesome-hot’ every time you bring her up.”

“Oh, but I do.”

“Also, ‘broad’? Are you a mobster now?”

“She’s a heck of a broad. Anyway, I’d like to introduce her to Mom. Candace wants to have us all over for dinner so we can meet each other’s families, and… so, I kinda need to come out to Mom and I’d like some backup, if you could.”

“Oh, gladly,” said Ginger. “Are you sure you need me, though?”

“I know this might seem like an easy thing,” said Stacy. “Mom’s from Japan, after all, the land that gave us yuri stories, beautiful and often tragic tales of lesbian love. The thing is… over there they just kinda consider sapphic relationships something that young girls do to ‘practice’ for real, heterosexual relationships.”

“I’m sure Mom doesn’t think that,” Ginger said uncertainly. “She’s totally Americanized.”

“No, she isn’t,” said Stacy, shaking her head. “I know she seems that way because she sounds American, but trust me, she’s still a Japanese person. You wouldn’t know that because you actually are perfect at pretty much everything you try, so you haven’t been hit with the harsh and soul-crushing East Asian parenting I’ve been through. We have the same mom, but we don’t. You know?”

Ginger put a hand on Stacy’s knee comfortingly. “I’m not as perfect as you think, Stacy. I know exactly what you mean. I’ll be there to back you up. Mom can’t break down both of us at once.”

“Thanks, kiddo.”

Ginger looked over Stacy’s body. “I understand why you did all this, by the way. Modified yourself.”

“Yeah?”

“I totally get what pressures you were under, especially now that I’m in middle school. In sixth grade, most girls don’t have boobs, and the ones that do, they’re treated a little bit oddly. But by eighth grade that whole paradigm is gonna turn around and it’ll be odd not to have them. The girls who were normal the longest are gonna be the ones who are treated like they’re not normal. That’s weird, how it flips around like that. I mean, you know what I’m talking about, you were in middle school not that long ago. It’s rough.”

“It’s rough,” Stacy agreed.

“Going into high school still flat must have been really rough.”

“Yup.”

“And I get that, because… this one time Phineas and Ferb put together a big romantic cruise for Baljeet and his friend Mishti. So, that was hard enough, having to participate in setting a romantic mood for Baljeet and another girl. But she had a shockingly womanly figure for a girl our age! She didn’t really have boobs, but she was shapely, around the hips, you know? It was like… dang. I’d say they’re built different over there in India, but, that’s probably not true, it’s probably just her. If there’s anywhere there’s something in the water and food that’s making girls hit puberty early, it’s here in the good ol’ USA. But yeah, I had to watch Baljeet have a really nice date with a girl way more mature-looking than me, and I’ve never felt such bitter jealousy. It wasn’t a fun feeling.”

“Jealousy is ugly,” Stacy said solemnly. “Eats you up inside.”

“And now I hear Baljeet is interested in Wendy…”

“Really?” Stacy said in alarm. “Baljeet and Wendy?”

“Wendy the sixth-grader who runs the math club, not… not Wendy the tenth-grader who competes with other girls for restaurant jobs.”

“Okay, got it. Thank you for clarifying that. I’m not familiar with the Wendy who’s your age. Who’s that?”

“Just… what I said. Captain of the math club. Total geek, but really pretty. I feel like I’m gonna have to do something drastic if I’m ever gonna draw him in while she’s around.”

“Well, hey…” Stacy leaned in close to Ginger and smiled. “I’m not so great with the big sister advice, but I’m willing to try. I’ll help you spruce yourself up and talk to Baljeet. But can we do my thing first? With Mom?”

“Of course. Are you ready?”

“Yeah. Just back me up.”

They made their way to the living room, where Dr. Hirano was making her way through a book of crossword puzzles.

“Hey, Mom,” said Stacy. “Can I talk to you about something?”

Dr. Hirano marked her place in the book and gently closed it, set it down, and placed her pen atop it before turning to face Stacy. “Hmm? Am I finally getting a confession?”

“Confession?” Stacy said nervously.

“You know. The real story, as to how you and your only two friends, bonded mostly by your ostracization over being flat-chested, all happened to spontaneously develop breasts at the same time just before returning to school.”

Stacy scowled. “Hey, you examined us medically… some might say invasively… and it was your professional doctor assessment that the development was perfectly natural.”

“That’s what the tests showed, but I still can’t believe I’m expected to believe it. Strange things happen at the Flynn-Fletcher household. One of these days I’ll get to the bottom of…” She gestured vaguely to Stacy’s body. “Whatever this is.”

“Nothing to get to the bottom of, Mom,” Stacy lied defiantly. “Sometimes a girl is just a late bloomer and, er, so are her two best friends. Anyway, not what I’m here to discuss.”

Dr. Hirano smirked.

“Oh, don’t even!” Stacy snapped.

“Don’t even what?”

“You were about to make a crack about how my bra size finally matches my grades, weren’t you?”

“I… no,” Dr. Hirano said unconvincingly.

“I don’t get D’s, Mom.”

“Okay, Stacy,” Dr. Hirano said gently. “I admit it, I was going to make a quip to that effect, but… I thought you wore C-cups. Evidently, eyeballing bra sizes is not among my skills. I apologize.”

“Thank you.”

“So what were you wanting to talk about, Stacy?”

Tension rose in Stacy’s throat as the time finally arrived and she had to address it. “Well. Um… I’m dating… someone new. And, uh, Candace wants to host a dinner party for… us, where… we can meet each other’s families.”

Dr. Hirano nodded. “What’s her name?”

“Okay, really?” said Stacy. “With the mind-reading act? Who said it was a ‘her’?”

“You did,” she insisted. “Those two sentences were very carefully constructed to dodge your new paramour’s gender at every turn. You wouldn’t have done that if you had a boyfriend. I’m sure there are non-binary teens in Danville, but I had a ninety-nine percent chance it was a girl and so I took a shot.”

“Nothing gets past you,” Stacy fumed. “I hate that, I hope you know. Her name’s Vanessa. Vanessa… Doofenshmirtz. She’s the mayor’s niece. You up for this dinner party idea or what?”

Dr. Hirano beamed and leaned toward Stacy. “Stacy, I would love to meet your girlfriend. And I appreciate the ceremony! I barely knew Coltrane when you were dating him. What are you so nervous and bitter about?”

“Oh, you would never understand,” Stacy said wearily.

“Stacy’s underselling herself,” Ginger piped up. “Vanessa is kinda the hottest girl in school. All the boys want her. She has her pick of anyone she wants to be with. And who does she want? Stacy.”

“Well done,” said Dr. Hirano. “And when do I get to meet this incredible girl with such discerning tastes?”

“Friday at the Flynn-Fletchers’ place,” Stacy muttered.

“I’ll be there.”

Ginger hugged Stacy from the side. “Me too.”

Dr. Hirano stood up, picking up her pen and puzzle book. “Mayor Doofenshmirtz’s niece, you say. Impressive.”

“It’s not… the mayor and his brother aren’t on good terms,” Stacy said hastily. “If anyone dated Vanessa for social climbing purposes, they wouldn’t have much luck.”

Dr. Hirano put a hand on Stacy’s face. “Good for you.”

She walked off, and Ginger looked up at Stacy brightly. “Well, that went better than you thought, right?”

“Yes,” Stacy grumbled. “That’s so annoying. She has to always keep me on my toes.”

Ginger squeezed Stacy’s hand. “You got this.”

~0~0~0~

Dr. Doofenshmirtz stood just inside the entrance to his apartment, wringing his hands anxiously as he stared at the door. Vanessa approached him from behind, carrying a large flat box.

“Hey, Dad,” she said. “I bought something for you earlier today. A little snack.”

“Oh, thank you, Vanessa,” he said absently. “I could use a snack. I’ve been waiting by the door all day, just too nervous to take care of myself. What’d you get?”

“Pickled herring,” she said, showing him the box, clearly labeled as such.

“Well, that’s—ewww! Vanessa, why would you think—? When have I ever—? And in a box? Can you even keep fish in a box?”

“I’m kidding,” said Vanessa, peeling off the pickled herring label. “It’s almond brittle, your favorite!”

“Ooooh!” He took the box. “You really had me there, that’s funny. Thank you.”

Vanessa grinned, pleased with herself. “So what’s with the waiting by the door?”

“I’m expecting a delivery from OWCA with the details about my first cover job,” he explained. “It’s gonna be hard work. I have to work a real day job and spy on people. It’ll be like that NBC show Chuck, do you remember? Where they work at the electronics store and then they have to go out and do CIA stuff? Maybe they’ll have me work at Slushy Dog, like how the hot blonde girl worked at a hot dog joint as her cover job in the first season. I don’t know why the second season opened with her working at a juice bar instead. That felt like an unnecessary retool. Did she stay at the juice bar for the rest of the series? I don’t remember.”

“Never saw it,” said Vanessa. “I know what show you’re talking about, but… never watched it.”

“It was a good show. Zachary Levi used to be cool, man. He starred in Chuck, and there was that Rapunzel movie, and the Broadway show about the parfumerie, he was always so charming. He’s suuuuch a douchebag now. It’s a crying shame.”

“I hate to interrupt what’s sure to be a very spot-on rant about how Zachary Levi isn’t cool anymore, but…”

“I’m sorry, I’m just anxious. I don’t have any idea what kind of job they’ll give me, if it’s something I’ll even be good at…”

“Oh, you’ll be just fine,” Vanessa assured him. “They’ll probably have you work at the pharmacy. You’ll be perfect.”

“Oh, you’re a scream,” he grumbled, but when he turned to her, he was smirking. “What’s gotten into you? The jokes, the smiling. I like it! Such a nice change from the usual gothic brooding.”

“I’m not gothic,” she said. “But yes, I’m in a delightful mood these days, thanks for noticing.”

“Well, what’s going on that has you like this? Please, tell me.”

Vanessa tossed her hair as she contemplated where to begin. “You remember my friend Candace?”

“The redhead who got you abducted by aliens and nearly destroyed space-time by messing with the Do-Over-Inator? We’ve crossed paths.”

“Hey, now, Dad,” Vanessa said sternly. “If I judged people only by their most destructive mistakes, I wouldn’t be talking to you. Candace is a good egg.”

Doofenshmirtz shrugged. “Touché, I suppose. Go on.”

“Well, Candace is throwing a dinner party on Friday. I’d like you and Mom to join me there so that you can… um… meet my new girlfriend Stacy.” She braced herself.

Doofenshmirtz nodded. “Sounds like fun. What’s the occasion?”

“What’s the… ah. Hmm. Okay, I think we’ve had a little miscommunication just now. See… when a woman of your generation calls someone her ‘girlfriend’, it’s, well, it’s synonymous with ‘gal pal’, just like the individual components of the words are. Right?”

“Right.”

“But, um… times have changed. When a woman of my generation says she has a girlfriend, she… well, she means the same thing that a man means… when a man says… he has a girlfriend. Am I making sense?”

“Yeah…” he said uncertainly.

“So, to reiterate, this dinner party is so you and Mom can meet Stacy… my girlfriend.”

Doofenshmirtz was silent for a moment as he processed this information. “Excuse me for a moment.” He darted away, disappearing into his bedroom.

“Dad?” Vanessa called after him in confusion.

He returned, his usual lab coat replaced by a t-shirt with pale pink and blue stripes, and rushed over to her, embracing her tightly. “I am so happy for you! Thank you so much for coming out to me in an honest and timely fashion, secure in the knowledge that you’re completely safe with me. Have you told your mother yet?”

“Uh, no.”

“Yes!” Doofenshmirtz crowed, jumping in the air. “She told me first! Booyah!”

Vanessa rolled her eyes at the pattern on his shirt. “That’s the transgender pride flag, Dad. I’m not trans.”

“Really?” he said, looking down at it. “I thought it was the besexual flag. You know, because it’s pink and blue. Meaning girls and boys.”

“It’s pronounced bisexual, Dad. And that one has much darker shades of pink and blue, with a thin purple stripe down the middle representing attraction to both.”

“I see,” he said seriously. “You know, that’s very clever imagery. Who designs pride flags, I wonder? And more to the point, who decides they’re official, like that this design represents everybody of that orientation forever now? You know what, I’m gonna look that up. I wanna find out who determines these things.”

“Focus, Dad. Please?”

“Right, sorry,” he said, flustered. “So I should be wearing the bisexual flag?”

“If this conversation necessitated you wearing a pride flag as a shirt—which it doesn’t, let’s be perfectly clear, it absolutely doesn’t—the bi flag would be the one to go with. I’m bisexual.”

“Moment, please.” He took off into his bedroom again.

“Okay, we’re doing this with the shirt,” she said to herself bitterly. “That’s… great.”

He returned wearing a shirt in the colors of the bisexual flag.

“Okay, that actually looks pretty good on you,” Vanessa admitted. “Where are you getting these?”

“You don’t think I can instantaneously manufacture textiles? Your old man’s a scientist.”

“Right, because manufacturing stuff out of nothing is what science is.”

“It is in this town, baby! So, tell me about this. How long have you been… flying these colors?”

“Since I was ten, I guess,” Vanessa said casually. “All the other girls were giggling about boys, and I… well, I’ve never been much for giggling, but… while we talked about boys, I found I also really enjoyed the company of the girls I was talking about boys with.”

He pouted. “Such a long time. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“It never came up,” she said simply. “I’ve never had a girlfriend before, and… now I do. I just wanted to make sure she was my serious girlfriend first, and I was prepared to have this conversation the moment I was sure.”

“This is wonderful, Vanessa.”

“You… don’t normally feel that way about the people I date.”

“You’re not normally radiating with cheer and eager to introduce me to who you’re dating,” he countered. “You must have hooked a good one for once.”

“Eh, well… you’re not wrong.”

“Tell me about Stacy. Where’s her family from?”

“Uh, Japan, actually. Stacy and her sister were born right here in Danville, but their mom’s from Japan. I, uh, haven’t asked yet why she doesn’t have a dad. I try not to question non-traditional family units. Not really my business, you know?”

Doofenshmirtz’s eyes lit up, intrigued. “So your girl’s Japanese?”

“Well, you know, Japanese-American. That’s not a problem, is it? I don’t suppose there’s some lingering antagonism between Drusselstein and Japan from generations past that I should know about?”

“Oh, hardly. Drusselstein loves Japan. In the obsessive, fetishistic, weeaboo sort of way. But Japan doesn’t seem to realize Drusselstein exists. Drusselstein looks toward the Land of the Rising Sun and says, ‘Please, notice me, senpai!’ by sending them all our best products and cultural exports, while Japan printed geography textbooks without Drusselstein in them for an entire generation without anyone noticing. Oh my gosh, you don’t know what a legend you’d be in the old country, as a Drusselsteinian girl dating a Japanese girl. Parading her around Gimmelshtump would make you very popular.”

“…Based on all your stories, I’m not sure I want to be popular in Gimmelshtump.”

“You get my point. Most Drusselsteinians wish they could snag a Japanese partner, but for most of our people, it ain’t happening. It helps, of course, that you’re much better-looking than most Drusselsteinian women, if you hadn’t noticed.”

“I mean, I try not to be conceited about it, but yeah, I’ve noticed.”

“Thank God for your mother.”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Tell me more,” said Doofenshmirtz. “Everything about this girl. Where did you meet?”

“Candace introduced us,” said Vanessa. “Brought her over to Mom’s place. They wanted some… fashion advice. And we just clicked. I asked her out on the first day of school, and… the details kinda blur together, because we’ve just been having the most wonderful time.”

“Does she—?”

“You’ll learn all about her at the dinner party when you meet face to face,” she said gently. “It’s gonna be great.”

“I promise I won’t embarrass you, sweetheart.”

“The thought never even crossed my mind.”

She walked off, and saw Norm standing in the middle of the spacious area, standing perfectly still and seemingly doing nothing.

“Ah, Norm, there you are,” she said. She hugged him as well as he could, her arms spread as wide as they could but nowhere near encircling his massive metal body. “It’s good to see you, little brother.”

Huge mechanical arms touched her back gently. “It’s good to see you too, big sister,” he said in his usual, steadily cheerful tone.

“I think I haven’t appreciated you enough,” she said, craning her neck up at his high-up face. “I want to do big sister stuff with you.”

“Okay! What do big sisters do with little brothers?”

“I’m not sure,” said Vanessa. “I never had a little brother before you came along this summer. I suppose I could… take you out to a playground? Push you on the swings and down the slide?”

“I’ve tried that,” said Norm. “The equipment can’t hold my weight.”

“Hm, I see.”

“I am a gigantic metal man.”

Vanessa parted from him and thought about it. “Then we’ll have Dad make a playground that can hold you, and play on that. Easy-peasy.”

“Okay!”

She put a hand on him. “I promise to cherish you, little brother. I need to learn to take my family more seriously. My friend Candace has this wonderful family. And not just a loving household, but a family of friends too. My girlfriend Stacy is part of that family, so hey, I’ve got an in. Maybe I can be part of that family too.”

She wandered onto the balcony, the wind blowing in her hair, and gazed out at the sun setting behind the cityscape below her.

“I think I’m in love, Norm,” she said. “In love with life, with the adorable community I stumbled into. And in love with Stacy. Is that crazy? Maybe I need to take a step back and see if I’m not just… swept up in the excitement. How will I know if I’m really in love?”

She looked at him. As always, he seemed to be looking past her. “What are you asking me for?” he said politely.

“Mostly thinking out loud,” Vanessa admitted. “But if you have any insights… I’m open to hearing it.”

“Well,” said Norm, “I once heard some old guy on a sitcom say that if you don’t know if you’ve ever been in love before, then you haven’t.”

Vanessa nodded. “Okay. That makes a lot of sense. I’m not sure. Maybe when I am sure, I should trust myself.”

Norm was silent for a moment, then: “I would trust you.”

She smiled. “Thanks, Norm.”

Chapter Text

In the school bathroom, Candace carefully applied some lip gloss. In the mirror, she saw the door burst open and Lisa stalk in, accompanied by a trio of girl cronies.

“See, this is why girls don’t go to the bathroom alone,” Candace muttered to herself. “I’m violating the laws of nature and paying the price.”

Lisa stomped over to Candace and held up one of the flyers with her face on it. “What’s this, Flint? You really think you have a shot at being our year’s homecoming princess?”

Candace fought against the lump in her throat, the fear in her heart, and turned to face Lisa, looking as cold as she could muster. “My name is Flynn. It’s right there on the flyer. Come on. The ‘getting my name wrong’ shtick is so stale.”

Lisa shoved her, making her hips collide painfully with the bathroom sink. “You’re gonna take all these down, Flint. I don’t want your name in the ring. Mkay?”

“You, uh… you’re wanting to be princess?”

“Yeah,” Lisa said viciously. “I’m not letting you take a single one of my votes.”

“But nobody likes you,” Candace said bluntly.

One of the girls accompanying Lisa snickered involuntarily, and Lisa whirled on her. “It’s not what she said, it’s how she said it,” the girl said apologetically. “That was a good delivery.”

Lisa pushed Candace against the sinks again, nearly knocking her off her feet; Candace had to grab the sink to stop herself tumbling right to the floor. “When did you get such a smart mouth, you pussy?!” Lisa growled, before striking Candace across the face.

Candace grimaced at the stinging slap, but didn’t turn away, maintaining fierce eye contact. “I believe I made it perfectly clear that I’m not afraid of you, sweet cheeks,” she said coolly. “So, yeah, I made the decision that I’m gonna talk smack. What are you gonna do about it? Pummel me again? Ooh, so original.” She stood up straight, doing her best to menacingly loom over the much shorter Lisa. “I will always get back up again and there’s nothing you can do about it. You want me to take down my campaign posters, sugar tits? You’re gonna have to make me.”

Lisa didn’t hesitate, grabbing one of Candace’s arms and twisting it behind her back, her other hand, dainty in appearance, painfully squeezing Candace’s shoulder with shocking strength. “Not how this works,” Lisa hissed. “You can’t keep standing up and fighting forever, Candace. Eventually you’re just hurting yourself. You will get tired of being pummeled. Me, I can do this all day.”

She yanked Candace’s arm. There was an audible snap, and she threw Candace to the ground. “AAAAGGH!” Candace roared. “God fucking damn it…”

“That’s what you get,” said Lisa. “How’s it taste?”

“No, I mean God fucking damn it,” Candace growled from the floor. “The Captain America quote? Really? Everyone really does believe they’re the underdog hero of their own story.”

Her right arm wasn’t obeying her commands, intense pain shooting up and down its nerves. She used her left to awkwardly grab a sink and hoist herself back to a sitting position.

“Fine,” she said. “I’ll be your villain. I’m gonna keep running for homecoming princess and I’m going to win. Because I deserve it. And you know it, don’t you? Or you wouldn’t be trying to get me to drop out. How’s that taste?”

Lisa shrugged. “Keep running your mouth.” She held up Candace’s phone in her hand.

“Hey!” Candace exclaimed.

“See where it gets ya.”

Lisa walked into a bathroom stall and dropped Candace’s phone into the toilet, then flushed it. She and her gaggle of girls departed in near silence, apart from one of the girls giggling quietly.

“Girl bullies are supposed be more psychological,” Candace grumbled to herself. “Went and dislocated my shoulder. That’s some bullshit…”

Once again using only her left arm, she pulled herself back to her feet and faced the mirrors. “Hi, me again,” she said to her reflection. “All right, let’s do this. Dislocated shoulder, happens all the time, it’s just how shoulders are built. Just gotta get the ball joint back into the socket, right?”

Slowly and painfully, she bent her elbow and rested it on the sink.

“Okay, that hurts like hell,” she muttered, “but it’ll stop hurting once I get it back into place, right? I can do it, I can do it.” She leaned on her elbow. “Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow…”

Her shoulder popped back into its socket with another sickening snap.

“Ah! Yes! Nailed it.” She swung her arm around wildly. “And there we are. Just gonna have a… tender shoulder for a while.” She looked around. “Nobody lurking in the stalls this time? I’m just alone in the bathroom, talking to myself? That’s too bad, it was kind of awesome and heroic. Coulda done with some witnesses.”

She went to the stall where Lisa had dropped her phone, finding it floating in the toilet, its screen black. She picked it up gingerly and pressed its buttons, just in case. Unsurprisingly, it didn’t respond.

“Yeah, that’ll happen,” she said to herself, before sighing heavily.

Chapter Text

Candace knocked on Phineas and Ferb’s door. “Hey, guys? Need you for a sec.”

After a moment, Ferb opened the door for her. She displayed her phone to him.

“Dropped my phone in the toilet at school,” she lied casually. “Our usual arrangement?”

Phineas joined Ferb at the door and immediately took the ruined phone from her. “We’re on it. We’ll have a new model ready for you in eleven minutes.”

“Huh. That’s kinda specific.”

“Might not be accurate, I just really like that joke.”

“What joke?”

“A lot of cartoons have episodes that last fifteen minutes, minus four minutes for commercials, so the episodes run for exactly eleven minutes, and sometimes they reference that fact, and, I dunno, it just seems like a joke that works really well. Probably because ‘eleven minutes’ is just a fun phrase to say.”

“Right, got it,” said Candace. “Take your time.”

“No time at all,” Phineas assured her. “We’ll knock that right out and then get back to working on your campaign posters. We might be expecting some special guests today, too, so we can start filming some ads.”

The doorbell rang.

“Ooh, I think that’s one now!” Phineas said eagerly. “Could you get that?”

“Okay!” said Candace.

Feeling a bit more cheerful, Candace took off down the stairs and opened the front door, seeing a handsome older man she didn’t recognize.

“Hi,” he said. “You must be Candace. Phineas and Ferb called me to take part in your campaign videos! I’m Yuri Lowenthal.”

“Oh!” Candace exclaimed in recognition, shaking his hand, though her eager expression quickly fell into one of doubt and confusion. “Yuri Lowenthal, like from Naruto?”

He shrugged. “Sure, Naruto and about eight hundred other things you may have seen, I dunno, but yeah, that was kinda my big break, probably still what I’m best known for, Naruto… good times.”

“Yeah, good to meet you,” Candace said distractedly. “I’m… yeah, I’m familiar with your work.”

“Not a bad way to introduce myself, actually. ‘Yuri Lowenthal, like from Naruto’.”

“Excuse me a moment. PHINEAS! FERB!”

They quickly appeared, coming halfway down the stairs.

“Hey, guys, um… what am I looking at?”

“Acclaimed, and insanely prolific, anime and video game voice actor Yuri Lowenthal,” Phineas said simply.

“I can see that, but…”

“That’s a really fun name to say. ‘Yuri Lowenthal’. I could say it over and over.”

“Please don’t,” said Candace. “I’m just, uh… not sure you really delivered what I asked. I wanted celebrity cameos in my campaign ads. Yuri Lowenthal isn’t a celebrity!”

“He is if you’re into anime and video games,” Phineas said defensively. “I think most erstwhile homecoming princesses neglect the weeb demographic. He might be your ace in the hole, get you the nerd vote.”

“Yeah!” Lowenthal said brightly.

“I don’t know about that, you guys,” said Candace. “Most anime nerds these days watch it subtitled, not dubbed. And of the maybe half who watch dubs, what small percentage of them gives a damn who the voice actors are?”

“Very true,” Lowenthal said dryly. “You know, that’s what’s great about the job, it’s getting feedback like that. Totally makes it worth the lousy pay and constant union-busting.”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Lowenthal,” Candace said grimly. “Just trying to think pragmatically about how I can use you.”

“Seriously, though, anime and video game voice acting doesn’t pay squat without being thoroughly supplemented by working the convention circuits, and… union’s been on strike for eleven months, so I really need this gig. Phineas never lets me down.”

“We can target the handful of students who do care about voice actors,” Phineas said grandly. “They may be scattered, but they’re there. Having him on board will let people know you care about all students’ voices. Eh, maybe we can get some mileage out of dressing him up like Sasuke. Or Spider-Man! He’s had some critically-acclaimed turns playing Spider-Man in video games.”

“Yeah, I didn’t think that was very good casting,” Candace said dismissively. “Give me Josh Keaton as Spider-Man any day of the week.”

“You know I’m here, right?” said Lowenthal. “You keep saying things like I’m not right here where I can hear everything you say about how much my job doesn’t matter.” He shifted uneasily. “Josh is a spectacular Spider-Man, I’ll admit it, but come on, I can do it too. I’m not saying I’m a superior Spider-Man, or the ultimate Spider-Man, but people say I’m a pretty amazing Spider-Man.”

“Sorry, dude, I’ve met the real Spider-Man and neither of you guys compare,” said Candace.

“But Keaton does it better than me?”

“Yeah.”

“Ah, that’s fair enough.”

“Look, we can make the most of this,” said Candace. “We always do. And… he is a handsome man with kind blue eyes. You can never have too many of those endorsing a candidate. You do endorse my candidacy, right?”

“I don’t… I don’t go to your school, so I don’t really have a dog in this fight,” he said sheepishly. “For what Phineas is paying me, I’ll endorse any homecoming princess you want.”

“Me, please.”

“You it is.”

“And don’t worry,” said Phineas, “we didn’t neglect to call up some real celebrities.”

“Ouch,” said Lowenthal.

“They just had some stuff to do before they could drop everything and come to Danville.”

“Again, ouch.”

“Elijah Wood and Edward Norton are on their way.”

“Ooh, Elijah’s the best,” Lowenthal said eagerly.

“Have you worked with him?” Candace inquired.

“Well, no, but I was his voice double in some Lord of the Rings games. And… one Happy Feet game. So I’ve studied his performance style, and, I dunno, in public he just seems like a great guy, you know?”

“Well, that’s good,” said Candace. “I like Elijah Wood, I can work with that. Edward Norton is pretty cool. Fact is, I don’t have to be picky, nobody else’s campaign ads are gonna have celebrities in them. It’s gonna knock everybody’s socks off and get me sooo many votes.” She eyed Lowenthal uncertainly. “And you’re here too! You’re cool. I… I like you. Loved you in Naruto. Classic and iconic bad boy. I stopped watching Naruto when I realized a single fight had been going on for eight episodes and was still going, and decided life was too short and reading the manga would be faster. But before that, loved your performance.”

“Um… thank you.”

“Yuri, have a seat on the couch,” said Phineas. “Ferb and I have to whip up a new cell phone for Candace, but as soon as we’re done with that, we’ll escort you to the hotel we booked for you and then we’ll start working on the campaign.”

“Thanks, guys,” he said.

“Yeah,” Candace said hurriedly. “Seriously, thanks.”

“Be right back.” The boys went back up the stairs.

“I’m just gonna head back to my room and start brainstorming,” Candace said awkwardly. “I’ll catch you later. Thanks so much for coming.”

Candace went back to her room, reflexively checking her pockets as she went. Unsure of what to do with herself, she sat before her vanity mirror for some time.

About eleven minutes later, Phineas and Ferb found her there, where she was applying eyeliner as slowly as she possibly could to pass the time. “Here’s your new phone,” said Phineas.

“Thanks, guys,” said Candace, flipping through it to find her contacts, photos, and music intact. “You’re life-savers. I’m so lucky to have brothers who can work miracles. Still wish Mom would take you down a peg and make you just hang out and do normal stuff sometimes.”

“We can do that, Candace,” said Phineas. “Once we get Yuri to his hotel, we’ll just be making posters. That’s normal, right?”

“My expectations for how good your graphic design will be should be unrealistic, but other than that, sure, it’s normal. Tell Mr. Lowenthal I’m sorry, would you? I didn’t mean to put him down. It was good of him to take the job and show up, and I should have been more appreciative.”

“We’ll tell him.”

“I’m just kinda all over the place about homecoming, you know?” she said. “It’s important to me that it goes well.” She put a hand on Phineas’s shoulder. “Can I tell you guys a secret? Maybe an age-inappropriate secret? Just so you know why this matters so much?”

“Sure, Candace.”

Candace bit her lip. “When the homecoming dance is over… is when Jeremy and I plan to have sex for the first time. So it’s going to be absolutely vital for the night to set the proper mood. If I win homecoming princess? Great mood. If I lose, well, I hope that doesn’t kill the mood, but it might, you know? It might. So I’m really pushing to win that crown. A little plastic tiara would top off the whole thing perfectly and make me super desirable… not that Jeremy needs any incentive to find me desirable, but every little bit helps.”

Phineas nodded solemnly, a bit taken aback. “You know, Jeremy is such a sweet and wholesome guy that I can’t really picture that happening. I never look at Jeremy and think, to use the common phrase, ‘oh, yeah, this guy fucks’.”

“I can picture it, Phineas,” Candace said pointedly. “I’ve been picturing it for years. Trust me, Jeremy fucks. Or he will… at homecoming. And, you know… points beyond. Until we’re so old and brittle that it’s not fun anymore. In the meantime, he’s proven himself quite adept at heavy petting, I’ll have you know. You don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.” She gazed wistfully into the mirror.

“I guess I don’t,” Phineas submitted.

“Heck, I’m picturing it right now. I can’t even see my reflection at the moment, just visions of Jeremy getting ready to make love to me. Soon it won’t be a fantasy anymore.”

“Do you run the risk of, um… getting lost in those visions?”

“I think I do.”

“Should we leave the room?”

“Leave the room, or don’t, I’m gonna start touching myself in about five seconds either way.”

“Ooookay, we’re leaving the room.”

The boys scurried out of the room and made sure to shut the door securely.

“Let’s, uh… let’s not give Yuri the entirety of that apology, eh?” said Phineas. “I don’t think he’d stick around if he knew all the details there. I think it would tarnish his reputation if he knew he was endorsing… that.”

“Oh, don’t worry too much about that,” said Ferb. “Homecoming is a teenage sex-fest, that’s just a fact. A school-sponsored forum for the loss of virginity. Everybody knows that. The adults just sort of turn a blind eye.”

Phineas considered that. “I thought that was prom.”

“It’s mostly prom, but come on, clearly teens have sex at homecoming too. It’s called ‘homecoming’. The jokes write themselves.”

Chapter Text

In a control room at OWCA headquarters, Doofenshmirtz approached Major Monogram, pulling up a chair and sitting in it backwards to look cool and suave. “Yo, Francis.”

Monogram looked up from his desk absently. “Good morning, Heinz.”

“How’s OWCA doing in its quest for goodness?”

“I like to think we’re doing good. Or… doing well. At doing good.”

“Uh-huh. So, tell me, because I’m curious… what is the agency doing for America’s queer youth?”

“Queer youth?” Monogram said blankly. “Well, um… that’s a good question. And, at the risk of giving a good question a bad answer… not much.”

Doofenshmirtz frowned. “Not much? That’s a terrible answer! What do you mean, not much?”

“Well,” Monogram began, trying not to sound defensive, “OWCA is an organization that specializes in fighting evil scientists. With a few exceptions, evil scientists don’t do much to target minority groups. Prejudice isn’t very scientific, don’tcha know. So we have little cause to find ourselves directly protecting the LGBT community.”

Doofenshmirtz thought about that. “I guess that’s fair. But that’s the kind of evil I’d like to fight. Who are the exceptions you mentioned? Can I fight them?”

“You?” Monogram bristled. “Certainly not. Persons of interest who stoke hate and prejudice are considered particularly dangerous to the general public. And so, it’s our best agents who are assigned to stop those particular outliers and keep them stopped. And you? You’re just a trainee. The hatemongers, like any threat we take remotely seriously, are well above your pay grade.”

Doofenshmirtz shrugged. “All right, I can deal with that. I’m glad I’m at least part of an organization that’s doing something. And you said we weren’t doing much!”

“What brought this on?” Monogram asked.

“Well, it’s funny how important things like this suddenly seem once you find out they're close to home,” Doofenshmirtz said thoughtfully. “My daughter Vanessa—you know my daughter Vanessa, right? Tall brunette, drop-dead gorgeous, would be completely unbelievable as my biological daughter if not for her distinctive Drusselsteinian pallor?”

Monogram stared blankly. “Um, yes, I know your daughter. We’ve met. She works here.”

“Just thought the moment called for some exposition. Anyway, she has a girlfriend now, and suddenly I find myself wanting to protect queer youth. Go figure, right?”

“Ha!” Carl barked, making them both jump. “I knew it!”

“Carl!” Monogram scolded. “Don’t sneak up on us like that.”

“Sorry, sir. But didn’t I call it? Haven’t I been saying all summer that there’s no way a girl as hot as Vanessa is completely straight? I nailed it!” He walked away cackling.

“He has been saying that all summer,” Monogram admitted grudgingly.

“YO, MONTY!” they heard him shout from the next room. “Guess who owes ol’ Carl some money?”

“What is it?” came Monty’s uncertain reply. “Is it the Vanessa thing?”

“She’s got a girlfriend! Confirmed.”

“All right, all right, I’ll pay up. Here…”

“Sucks to suck, Monty!” Carl said smugly.

After an awkward silence, they heard Vanessa’s voice. “Monty! You bet money that I was just some boring-ass cishet white girl?”

“Not exactly,” said Monty. “Carl was so adamant that you must be queer in some way. I just wanted him to stop talking about it.”

“Well… sucks to suck, Monty!” Vanessa said brightly. “Carl, up top.” The distinct smack of a high five rang out.

“Who are you seeing?” Carl asked eagerly. “Anybody we know?”

“Maybe. A girl in Perry’s neighborhood. Maybe you’ve caught her on the monitors. Candace’s friend, Stacy.”

“Oh, yeah, I’ve seen her around. Nice!”

“We’re having a dinner party to get to know each other’s families at the Flynn-Fletcher house. In fact, we’re on our way to talk to my dad about that, if you’ll excuse us…”

“See you, Ness,” said Carl. “Congratulations.”

“Yeah,” Monty said warmly.

“Thanks, guys.”

Vanessa joined Doofenshmirtz and Monogram in the control room, Agent P following at her heel. “Hey, Dad,” she said. “Perry and I needed to talk to you a bit about that dinner party. Due to the venue, there’s a bit more to it than just you meeting Stacy. Major, you prepared the visual aids?”

“Oh, yes!” said Monogram. “Yes, I most certainly… had Carl do that. Heinz, the dinner party you’ll be attending on Friday will be your point of no return, as both a member of this agency and as a certified good guy.”

“Hey, I fully support my daughter’s orientation and I totally would have done so even when I was evil,” Doofenshmirtz declared. “I was never that evil.”

“It’s not that, Dad,” said Vanessa.

On a screen overhead, an image was projected of the Flynn-Fletcher home.

“This is the Flynn-Fletcher household, where we’ll be having the dinner,” said Vanessa. “And this… is the Flynn-Fletcher family.”

Six faces appeared on the screen, including Perry’s.

“Oh, hey, I know that house,” said Doofenshmirtz. “Perry the Platypus took me there on our first real mission. And I recognize all those people individually! I had no idea they were all one family. It’s a small world, isn’t it? And… they have a platypus?”

“They’re Perry’s family, Dad.”

“His host family, to be precise, where he maintains his cover,” Monogram added.

“Not true,” Vanessa said firmly. “I’ve been assured that the Flynn-Fletchers, however they came to be a family, are a real family and they don’t do prefixes like ‘step’… or ‘host’.”

Carl loudly blew his nose, startling them all again. “It’s so true!” he wailed. “Agent P loves those boys so much!”

“Quit entering this room without making a sound, Carl!” Monogram snapped.

“That is to say…” Vanessa said impatiently. “Ugh, this is gonna be so painful to have to explain. Their pet platypus is Perry. In… disguise… shall we say. Let’s be generous and call it a disguise. So, when… when you see a platypus at their house, at the dinner party, that’s Perry.”

Doofenshmirtz furrowed his brow, thinking hard.

“Dad?” Vanessa said cautiously.

“So you’re saying that if I see an ordinary platypus,” he said slowly, “it is in fact, Perry the Platypus… disguised as an ordinary platypus?”

“Yes.”

“Huh. I feel like I should be having a mind-blowing realization about that, but I’m not sure why. Maybe it’ll come to me later. Go on.”

Perry rolled his eyes.

“So, okay,” said Vanessa. “As the major said, this is your ‘point of no return’. For two reasons. One, you can’t slip up and reveal to them that you have any experience with Perry the Platypus, secret agent of OWCA. That’ll blow his cover and he’ll have to relocate. We don’t want that, because he loves them and doesn’t want to leave them. Right?”

“Oh, of course,” Doofenshmirtz said quickly. “Yes. My lips are sealed.”

“The other reason,” Vanessa went on. “Well… now you know where Perry lives and who his loved ones are. As such, if you ever turn evil again, that will also force him to relocate. And you wouldn’t do that to him even if you were evil. Right?”

Doofenshmirtz gulped. “Right. Of course. You’re all taking a big gamble trusting me with this.”

“And we didn’t have to,” said Vanessa. “We could have introduced you to my girlfriend anywhere, but Candace wanted desperately to be a part of it. So we decided to trust you with that.”

“I promise it’ll pay off. I’m good now. I fight evil.”

Perry raised his fist in solidarity.

“Good,” Vanessa said with a warm smile. “Don’t sweat it too hard, don’t worry too much about the Flynn-Fletchers. Perry will try to stay out of the way. You’re there to meet Stacy, and she’s going to love you.”

He nodded. “I hope so. I can do this.”

Chapter Text

In Isabella’s bedroom, she and Baljeet worked intently at her computer—editing together a video about Lisa.

“I wish we had more incriminating footage,” Baljeet commented. “That was Ferb’s plan, but we’ve been unlucky so far.”

“It’s okay if she looks glamorous,” said Isabella. “If we’re claiming she’s shallow and fake, it might help if she looks good in the footage.”

“And then,” Baljeet muttered, dragging a new image into the timeline, “we bring in the shot of the goat suit hanging in her closet to offset it…”

“Yup,” said Isabella. “I hope she’s utterly humiliated. And taking her down a peg, if we’re lucky, will funnel more votes in Candace’s direction. Two birds with one stone.”

Isabella looked out her window, to the Flynn-Fletcher house across the street, and sighed wistfully.

“Are you all right?” Baljeet asked her.

“I’m getting pretty sick of getting nowhere with Phineas,” she muttered. “I’m there for him, every day. Waiting, like a fool, for him to realize that everything he’s looking for has always been right across the street. Every day for the past five years I’ve turned up in his yard and said ‘Whatcha dooooin’?’ in the flirtiest voice I can possibly muster, and… nothing.”

“Maybe you should change your approach,” he said casually.

“Yeah, how so?”

“Just… somehow. If he hasn’t figured out after five years that ‘whatcha doin’?’ means ‘my body needs you’ he probably never will. At least not without a change of inflection.”

“It wasn’t a body thing when I was six, Baljeet,” she said, mildly amused. “It was a purely romantic urge. It’s barely a body thing now, though the fluttering in my heart is certainly starting to spread to some other places…”

He stared at her, wide-eyed, and she blushed.

“Sorry, that was girl-talk. Forget I said that.”

“I don’t think I can.”

“Just… move on.”

“I’m just saying… you know what they say about doing the same thing over and over.”

She glared at him. “What do they say about doing the same thing over and over, Baljeet?”

He withered under the force of her glare. “Er… you don’t know?”

“I know,” she said. “I wanna hear you say it. Go on. If you have the guts to imply it, take it all the way.”

“Er, okay,” he said nervously. “Well, they say that doing the same thing over and over is the definition of insanity. Specifically, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, is the definition of insanity. Now, to be perfectly fair, that’s not the definition of insanity, not remotely, but you can see why it’s caught on as an aphorism. It’s a very pointed way of telling someone they’re stuck in a rut.”

She continued glaring at him.

“I mean… look at you,” he said. “You’re annoyed with me because you know I’m right. It’s a very effective saying.” He edged his chair away from hers to get to a slightly safer distance. “Saying the same line every day isn’t going to get you any closer to being with Phineas tomorrow than it has for the past five years.”

She made a fist and pounded it on her desk. “Rrggh, I know. I just don’t know what else to do.”

“I feel your pain,” he said solemnly. “I don’t know how to approach girls. I’ve been admiring Wendy from afar and secretly hoping that somehow that can get me involved with her, but I know it’s not going to happen unless I make a move of some sort. No idea what to do.”

Isabella was silent for a moment. “Look, why don’t you… why don’t you stop worrying about Wendy and I’ll just set you up with Ginger? Would that make you happy?”

“Why Ginger?”

“Come on. You know she has feelings for you.”

“Hmm. Do I know that? How would I know that?”

“I happen to know Phineas told you.”

“Does Ginger have feelings for me?” he said with a smirk. “Or are you, perchance, just trying to hook up the only two Asian friends you have?”

“I—no!” Isabella exclaimed. “Come on! Ginger talks about having a crush on you. She has been for months. Her idea. Not mine.”

He tried to maintain his bluster, but couldn’t argue with that. “Fine, I believe you.”

“Look, I get why you have a thing for Wendy, I really do,” she said gently. “I sympathize. She shares your interests and she’s so, so pretty.”

“Isn’t she?”

“I wouldn’t kick her out of bed. But… at least consider Ginger. She’s right there. It might be healthy to pursue someone… attainable. You know?”

“Ginger,” Baljeet said thoughtfully. “I just don’t see it, but like I said to Phineas, I’ll think about it. I’ve been mulling it over.”

Isabella flipped back and forth through the timeline of the video they’d been editing. “Well, we’ve made pretty good progress on this smear ad,” she said, “and it’s getting late. I think you’d better be heading home.”

“All right.”

Baljeet packed up his notes and supplies into his backpack, and slowly hoisted it upon his back. As he made his way out of the room, he paused and turned back to her.

“Listen, Isabella, would it be all right if I… asked you out sometime?”

She blinked, surprised. “You’re welcome to try, buddy, but I don’t know how far you’d get. I’m pretty hung up on Phineas.”

“I know,” he said hastily. “I just thought… perhaps we can comfort each other. I’m not hung up on anybody in particular, but I am lonely.”

“Hey, you know who’d be delighted to alleviate your loneliness? Ginger.”

“I’m just… going to ignore that for now and keep making my point. We feel each other’s pain and loneliness and I thought… maybe it’d help if we went on a date together… platonically.”

“A platonic date, huh?” she said thoughtfully.

“Yes. A date as told of in the philosophy of Plato. Affectionate, but entirely non-sexual and non-romantic.”

“Heh,” Isabella chuckled appreciatively. “Is that what Plato was all about?”

“Well, that and the five regular polyhedra that make up five of the six popular Dungeons & Dragons dice. Those are platonic too.”

Isabella paused, pondering that. “There are only five platonic solids? Which D&D die isn’t one?”

“The ten-sided die, of course. You can get four, six, eight, twelve, or twenty sides with total regularity, but not ten. Haven’t you ever noticed that it’s not quite as perfect as the others?”

“Hm. Now that you mention it, I think that has occurred to me, yes.”

“Geometry is fun.”

“So, a platonic date,” Isabella reiterated. “So that you and I, terminally dateless, can at least feel what it’s like. All right, I’m sold, let’s do it.”

“Great!” Baljeet said eagerly. “And hey, maybe we can pull a traditional fake-dating gambit to make Phineas and Ginger jealous. Eh? Classic romantic trope?”

“Not gonna happen,” she said firmly. “Phineas and Ginger will never find out about this. Phineas isn’t the jealous type; he’d be delighted that two of his best friends are dating. He’d give us his blessing and then I’d never have a shot with him. And Ginger doesn’t need to be made jealous, she already wants to be with you. If anything, I’d be inclined to set Ginger up with somebody to make you jealous.”

“Feel free,” Baljeet said dryly. “Ginger can date whoever she wants. It has nothing to do with me.”

“All right, wise guy. My point is, if Ginger thought for even a moment that I was dating you, I would be the biggest traitor in the history of the Fireside Girls, so, no. Our platonic outing must remain shrouded in the utmost secrecy. Okay?”

“Okay,” said Baljeet. “So… yeah. Once I think of something really fun and date-like we can do, I will swing around and ask you out. I’ll be smooth and cool about it.”

“I look forward to it,” she said sincerely.

“Okay,” he said in relief. “I’ll see you later.”

Chapter Text

Dr. Hirano and her daughters stood at the front door of the Flynn-Fletcher household, all dressed up nicely for a semi-formal occasion. Linda opened the door to greet them, also clad in a nice dress.

“Welcome to this little soirée, Dr. Hirano,” said Linda.

“Thanks for putting it on for us, Linda,” Dr. Hirano replied. “Stacy has been so nervous about bringing our families together, but… it’s so nice to see her excited and passionate about something.”

“Well, have a seat,” said Linda. “The Doofenshmirtzes should be arriving any moment.”

Stacy joined Candace in the kitchen and hugged her from behind. “Hey, girl!” she said lovingly. “Thanks so much for this. What are we having?”

“Fish and chips.”

“Huh.” Stacy watched Lawrence cooking and continued speaking to Candace under her breath. “Why is it when your dad cooks, it’s always fish and chips? Does he not know how to make anything else?”

“Well, yes and no,” said Candace. “I’m sure he’s a fine chef by British standards, but fish and chips is the only thing he makes that, you know… tastes good.”

“Ah, got it.”

“I’m not putting him down. He makes the best fish and chips I’ve ever had. It’s elegant in its simplicity, you know? I’m sure when humans first hit Europe forty thousand years ago, they’d already been passing down their fried fish techniques for generations. And chips? Americans are crazy about chips. We just call them fries. Is there any more perfect food than a crispy, well-seasoned pile of fries?”

Stacy bit her lip and looked around the kitchen uneasily. “Are you sure about this? When you’re trying to impress your girlfriend’s family, you don’t typically serve fries.”

“Sure you do. It’s called being yourself. It’s underrated.” She smacked Stacy on the butt. “We got this in the bag.”

Ginger entered the living room and joined Phineas and Ferb on the couch, where they were petting a still and silent Perry. “Hey, guys.”

“Hi, Ginger,” said Phineas. “You look good. I haven’t seen you out of uniform in a while.”

“Yeah,” she agreed, looking him over. “I think that was the last time you and I had a real conversation.”

“Hm? We talk all the time.”

“No, you talk to Isabella and she relays your orders to the rest of us.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“Not at all, it’s an elegant system,” Ginger said earnestly. “It’s just… last time you spoke to me, you made some joke about how if I married Baljeet, my name would be Ginger Tjinder. ‘It’s like poetry,’ you said. ‘It rhymes.’ Which… first of all, I now know you were quoting George Lucas talking about the prequels, which is like… why would you even do that?”

“Eh, I dunno.”

“And that got me looking at Baljeet that way for the first time and realizing… huh… you know, I really do like him like that.”

“Aw, that was because of me?” Phineas said, grinning widely. “I inspired that?”

“Yeah,” said Ginger. “Do you have any other life-changing revelations for me?”

“I’ll let you know.”

Charlene Doofenshmirtz’s sports sedan pulled into the driveway. Heinz immediately popped out of the backseat and ran to the door, Charlene and Vanessa following him at a leisurely pace, and was greeted by Linda.

“Linda!” he said gleefully. “Hi. It’s me, Heinz Doofenshmirtz. It’s funny, it’s a small world—we dated back in the eighties.”

She stepped back to look him over. “Er… did we?”

“We had one date, but it was very impactful,” he clarified. “I inspired you to become Lindana, and you said that maybe instead of taking over the world, I could start off small with the Tri-State Area.”

“Hrmm. I’m sorry, I don’t remember. You may be giving yourself too much credit. A lot of factors led me to pursue being a pop star.”

“Really? Come on, you said you wanted to be a pop star, and I said… you know… the taking over the world thing. Zanzibar was on the radio…”

She shrugged. “Sorry, Hans. I got nothing.”

“It’s Heinz.” He sighed. “Several weeks ago you were asked to appear on a talk show about my backstory, and you declined because you didn’t remember me.”

“Okay, that I remember. Wait a minute, are you the guy who put me in the trunk of his car so he wouldn’t have to pay to get me into the drive-in?”

“Um… no. I did no such thing. That must have been a heck of a bad date. Wasn’t me, though.”

“Wow,” Phineas quietly remarked from the living room. “Can you believe that, Ferb? Mom dated Vanessa’s dad before any of us were even born. Sometimes it’s like everybody in Danville knows everybody and nobody has any secrets.” He stroked Perry, who chittered contentedly.

“Moving on,” Doofenshmirtz said bitterly. He gestured to Charlene. “My ex-wife, Charlene Doofenshmirtz.”

“Linda!” Charlene exclaimed. “From cooking class.”

“Charlene! Of course,” said Linda. “Wow. So, wait… Stacy’s dating the high-strung teen who kept calling you?”

“Yeah,” said Charlene. “At the time, Vanessa was on this kick of trying to prove to me that her dad was some sort of supervillain.”

“I never claimed to be a ‘supervillain’,” Doofenshmirtz said quietly. “I’ve always preferred ‘evil scientist’.”

“But, thank goodness, she got over her obsession with busting him fairly early in the summer.”

“She… she did?” said Linda, wide-eyed. “Oh my God, you must tell me how.”

“I’m not exactly sure. I think she just kinda lost interest in exposing him.”

“Well, that’s a shame,” Linda said weakly.

“And Mom also knows Vanessa’s mom,” said Phineas. “I’m no longer impressed at how small the world is. It bores me now. Ferb, we should make the world bigger.”

“And, Heinz,” Linda went on, “I’m told you’re the mayor’s brother?”

“Oh, let’s not spoil the evening by talking politics,” Doofenshmirtz grumbled.

“Yeah,” Charlene said sympathetically. “Heinz and Roger don’t really…”

“Roger’s a prick,” Doofenshmirtz said bluntly. “Sorry for spoiling the illusion.”

“Yeah, that,” said Charlene.

“I forgot about that part,” Phineas said thoughtfully. “We know Vanessa and her dad, which brings us within one degree of the mayor. I wonder if the mayor knows Kevin Bacon.”

“Anyway, where did the guest of honor go?” said Doofenshmirtz. “We’re here for Vanessa.”

Vanessa was in the kitchen, passionately making out with Stacy and running her hands all up and down her body.

“Wow,” Linda exclaimed. “In front of everybody?”

“That’s very Vanessa of her,” Charlene said fondly.

Vanessa finished the kiss with a loud, exaggerated “MWAH!” and pulled Stacy back to the front door to her parents. “Mom, Dad. Meet my girlfriend, Stacy Hirano. We’re super serious.”

“Hey, Stacy,” said Doofenshmirtz. “You’ve got my daughter’s lipstick on your… pretty much everywhere on your face.”

Stacy reflexively brought her hands to her face. “Sorry, Mr. Doofenshmirtz.”

“It’s Dr. Doofenshmirtz,” he corrected.

“Is it, though?” Vanessa teased.

“I have a—”

“Don’t push it,” said Vanessa. “Stacy’s mom is an actual doctor. She saves sick children’s lives and people profusely thank her while crying. When you’re in the same building as her, you’re not a doctor.”

“Well, that’s… oh, okay.”

Vanessa kissed him on the cheek appreciatively.

“Ahem.”

Stacy jumped in surprise and turned to face her mom. “Mom! Hi. Um… here’s Vanessa. She’s, you know… gorgeous. Um, I mean, I’m serious. I mean, we’re serious.”

“Dr. Hirano,” Vanessa said warmly, offering her hand.

“Good to meet you, Vanessa,” she said, shaking it. “You seem to have misplaced some of your lipstick, it’s… all over my daughter’s face.”

Stacy again clutched at her own face. “It can’t really be all over, can it?”

“I’ll take care of it, babe,” Vanessa assured her. “I’ll wipe that off for you.” She grinned at Dr. Hirano. “We can’t have her dining that way, now, can we?”

“No, I should think not,” Dr. Hirano agreed.

“Kids, can you come help set the table?” Lawrence called.

Phineas, Ferb, and Ginger instantly got to their feet and scampered to the kitchen to help him, leaving Perry silent and alone on the couch. Doofenshmirtz caught him out of the corner of his eye and immediately slipped into the living room to sit beside him.

“Hello, platypus,” he said sweetly. “I was, of course, told that the Flynn-Fletchers are the owners of Perry the Platypus. But I guess a family can have more than one platypus.”

Perry stared at him in disbelief.

“Wow! That look of condescension and disdain is very familiar. Does every platypus…”

Perry produced his fedora with a flourish, stood up, slowly placed it on his head, and spread his hands pointedly.

“PERRY THE—I mean, Perry the Platypus?? Wow. You really are a master of espionage. Vanessa told me that if I saw a platypus it would be you, but you still completely fooled me. This is why you’re such a well-regarded professional! Nobody could possibly make the connection between the ordinary platypus and… and…”

He trailed off as Perry continued to stare.

“N… no?”

Perry shook his head slowly.

“Every… everybody else can tell? It’s just me?”

Perry nodded.

“Well, that’s embarrassing.” Doofenshmirtz held his head in his hands and sighed. “This really is my point of no return, isn’t it? You’ll never be able to pull the ‘ordinary platypus’ trick on me ever again. I appreciate your willingness to remove that from your arsenal. This change in lifestyle has been so difficult, but I know in the end it’ll be worth it.”

He sat there in silence for a moment, then started chuckling. “Hey. Hey, Perry the Platypus… guess what I’m referencing.” He pointed at Perry. “It’s you!” He removed Perry’s hat. “Despite everything, it’s still you.” He laughed as he put the hat back on. “I don’t actually know what that’s from, I just know it’s from something and they quote it in Baldur’s Gate III. Yes, that’s right, like most of the world, I have been playing Baldur’s Gate III. Well, kind of. I always lose interest and start the whole thing over again shortly after the victory party in Act One because I want to make a new character and romance a different companion. Building each of those relationships from nothing is really exciting. But the turn-based combat is starting to get old, playing the same fights over and over. I suppose if I wanted to spice it up I could play on a higher difficulty level, but… I’m not really in it for the combat. I’m in it for the smooching! There’s no smooching in my real life, man. But growing closer to these tormented souls until they realize they could use a bit of romance in their life… it’s so powerful. Of course, I suppose I’d be able to see more smooching if I ever made my way into Act Two, but, I dunno, I don’t have the attention span to finish an RPG. I never have.”

In the bathroom, Vanessa wiped the lipstick off of Stacy’s face. “There we go,” she said. “So, is it just me, or were you more nervous about talking to your own mom than I was?”

“My mom can be kind of a lot,” Stacy muttered. “But… you can be a lot too. I guess you can match wits with her.”

“I’m sure I can,” said Vanessa. They kissed, sinking into it and savoring it.

~0~0~0~

Soon, the eleven of them were gathered around, two antique tables pressed together to give them all enough space, eating Lawrence’s fish and chips in silence.

“Top-notch fish and chips as always, Dad,” Candace said brightly.

“Oh, thank you, Candace.”

Silence.

“That was an attempt at breaking the ice,” Candace mumbled. “I see I failed.”

“I’ll pick it up,” said Dr. Hirano. “Vanessa, just how serious are things between the two of you?”

Candace and Linda glanced at each other uneasily.

“I’m here, aren’t I?” said Vanessa. “I wanted her to meet my family. I wanted to meet you and tell you that your daughter is… mm, how do I even describe it?”

“Candace has often called me to remind me that Stacy is, apparently, a genius.”

“Oh, sure!” Vanessa said eagerly. “She’s also romantic. And ambitious. And a really, really good friend. I saw what a good friend she was to Candace and it made me want to be more than her friend.”

Stacy blushed. “News to me. I always thought I was just… me.”

“Stacy, don’t do that,” Candace chided. “You know you’re everything.”

“Girls…” Dr. Hirano said patiently. “You know you don’t need to talk her up to me, right? I know how special Stacy is.”

Stacy shot Ginger a surprised look, and Ginger shrugged back.

“I’m more interested in how special you must be to have caught her eye,” said Dr. Hirano.

Vanessa leaned back in her chair smugly. “I’m cool enough, I guess. I’m a’ight.”

“Candace, you introduced them?” Charlene asked.

“Yes!” Candace said eagerly. “Yes, because I thought Vanessa could help Stacy and me with… bra shopping. That’s what we said, right? Bra shopping? Yeah! That’s our story and we’re sticking with it.”

“Smooth, Candace,” Stacy said dryly.

“And, um… they really hit it off. I almost didn’t witness it, because they had their first kiss while I was… picking out bras.”

“Eeeee!” Doofenshmirtz squealed. “That’s so cute! Tell us about your first kiss. Vanessa, tell us.”

“It’s not the most romantic story in the world, I’m afraid,” Vanessa admitted. “The mood was set by a lot of talk about ladies’ underwear. When you’re a girl who likes girls, it’s hard to make it just a shopping thing, you know? It kinda gets your motor running.”

Embarrassed, Doof looked back to his food and picked at his fish with a fork. “Fair enough. I would have hoped she stirred your heart and not your metaphorical motor, but… I was a teenager once too, I’m pickin’ up what you’re throwin’ down.”

“What I noticed about Vanessa,” Stacy offered, “was that she was really mature. I saw her commit to taking her family more seriously, and wanting to do good things for the community, and she was selflessly helping us out. I found all that admirable.”

Vanessa stared at her in disbelief, then averted her eyes. “Stacy… that’s why you wanted to kiss me?”

“Of course.”

“Wow. I… when you said I was mature, I thought you just meant I had a nice figure. That’s… okay then. That’s good. I didn’t realize.”

Stacy extended her hand across the table, and Vanessa reached out and took it. “I appreciate who you are,” said Stacy. “I’m here, aren’t I? I didn’t want you to meet my mom just because you’re beautiful. Although that certainly helps. Mom, look at her. Isn’t she pretty?”

“She is,” Dr. Hirano said, amused. “So, Vanessa, in what way do you plan to serve the community?”

“Oh, I’m… working on that,” Vanessa said uneasily.

“Vanessa and I work for a very exciting company here in town,” Doofenshmirtz said proudly. “She actually applied there first, and encouraged me to pursue it. We’re in the business of… pharmaceuticals. But also lots of community outreach stuff. Protecting Danville from, you know…” He made exaggerated quotation marks with his fingers. “Evil.”

Vanessa beamed at him, silently congratulating him for the cover story.

Stacy stood up. “Sorry, I think I… I think I need to head out to the backyard for some fresh air.”

“You want me to come with?” Vanessa said instantly.

“Yes, please.”

“Can I—?” Candace began.

“No!” Stacy said hurriedly. “I mean… just Vanessa, please. Everybody else, just keep doing what you were doing. Which was, you know, talking about us. Keep it up. I… just need a minute to compose myself.”

Stacy quickly made her way to the back door, opening it aggressively and stepping out into the yard, taking a deep breath. It was dusk, the air beginning to cool, and crickets were chirping. Stacy made her way to the tree in the yard, and sat down in Phineas and Ferb’s customary place beneath its branches. Vanessa joined her, sitting beside her silently and waiting for her to say something.

“Sorry about that,” Stacy finally said. “I wasn’t prepared for how much lying we’d have to do to talk about how our relationship started. Having to leave out anything about OWCA, and… I know my mom and Candace’s mom wouldn’t approve of the Revampunow. We’ve had to pretend that we just happened to get boobs at a convenient time.”

“It’s all right,” Vanessa said gently. “Keeping secrets isn’t easy, but sometimes it’s for the best. We’re not doing anything wrong.”

“I need a little break.”

“Yeah. Alone, or…?”

“Alone with you, if you don’t mind.”

“Okay.” Vanessa put an arm around her. “Alone together. I like that.”

“Mm.” Stacy leaned on her, and they sat in silence for a few more moments.

“I love you, you know,” Vanessa whispered.

Stacy lifted her head and stared at her. “Vanessa…”

“I mean it,” Vanessa said, more firmly. “I do, I love you.”

“Vanessa, we’ve known each other for less than a month.”

Vanessa shrugged. “Yeah, I don’t… I don’t really care what the conventional way to do things is.” She gently stroked Stacy’s hand. “I love you. I’m in love with you.”

Stacy simply stared at her in shock.

“You… don’t have to say it back,” Vanessa said disappointedly.

“I’m sorry,” Stacy said softly.

“It’s okay.” Vanessa took a deep breath in and out to steel herself. “Why don’t we tell them about our first date? Nothing we have to lie about there. As long as we cut out the brief bit where Perry showed up and, you know, what we did on your couch at the end.” She winked.

“Yeah,” Stacy said hollowly. “Sounds good.”

Tentatively, Vanessa kissed her, and Stacy responded by kissing her back as passionately as she could, forcing her tongue into Vanessa’s mouth and swirling it around wildly. Vanessa pulled away, gagging slightly.

“I’m here,” Stacy said, still staring at Vanessa with wide eyes. “For us. I just…”

“I get it. Are you ready?”

Stacy nodded.

Hand in hand, Stacy squeezing tightly in an attempt to be reassuring, they returned to the dining room and, reluctantly parting ways, returned to their seats. Vanessa stared in disbelief at her empty plate.

“Wait… where’d my chips go? Dad!”

“What?” Doofenshmirtz said defensively.

“Dad, why did you eat my fries?”

“I thought you were done.”

“Of course I wasn’t done. I had a whole ton of fries left. What kind of dad eats his daughter’s fries and doesn’t even—? Ugh, forget it. Mr. Fletcher, are there more chips?”

“I’m afraid not, my dear,” said Lawrence.

“That’s just great,” Vanessa said sourly, slouching and crossing her arms tightly.

Doofenshmirtz stared at her uneasily. “Did… did something happen out there?”

“No,” Vanessa growled. “I just… wanted fries.”

Ferb slid over to her, scooping his fries onto her plate.

She took one and bit into it angrily. “Thanks, Ferb. My hero, as always.”

~0~0~0~

As the Doofenshmirtzes set to depart, Linda gave Charlene a hug. “It was great to see you again, Charlene.”

“It was,” Charlene agreed. “Are you sure we can’t stick around and help you clean up?”

“Nah,” said Linda. “Too many hands, you know. Between us and the Hiranos, we can get everything tidy in no time.”

“All right,” said Charlene. “Don’t be strangers, everybody.”

Vanessa and Stacy shared a tiny kiss goodbye. “See you at school, babe,” Vanessa whispered.

“Yeah,” Stacy peeped. “I had a wonderful evening. Goodnight.”

Vanessa turned away and linked arms with her dad, and they walked together to Charlene’s car, followed by Charlene herself.

Back on the couch with Ferb, Phineas mused, “Romance certainly seems to be in the air lately. Candace and Jeremy are heating things up. Stacy and Vanessa together—who saw that coming? And I know if we play our cards right, we can ignite that spark between Baljeet and Ginger.”

Ferb said nothing.

Phineas smiled down at Perry, once again sitting between them. “Maybe we should get Perry a girlfriend. What do you think of that, boy?”

Perry reflexively glanced up at Phineas for a split second.

“Wow,” Phineas said uneasily. “Ferb, did you see that?”

Ferb looked back at him, confused.

“For an instant, I could have sword Perry looked up at me with a look of utmost condescension and disdain. Message received, pal. No girlfriend.” He chuckled. “Maybe I’m just projecting. It is a pretty stupid idea.”

~0~0~0~

Doof and Vanessa returned to his penthouse, having been dropped off by Charlene.

“Norm, we’re home!” Doofenshmirtz called out. “I think that went really well. Stacy didn’t speak up for herself much, but her mom is a real smart cookie. And I hope I didn’t embarrass you too much, I really—Vanessa?”

Vanessa had loudly pressed her back against the front door after closing it, and she slowly slid down to the floor, openly weeping.

“V-Vanessa!” Doofenshmirtz exclaimed. “Look, I’m sorry about the fries, I didn’t… I didn’t mean to ruin…”

“It’s not that, Dad,” she whimpered. “I screwed up.”

“How? How could you possibly have screwed up? I… oh, sweet Vanessa, I can’t remember the last time I saw you cry…”

Vanessa wiped her face and choked out, “In the backyard, I… I told her I love her.”

“Oh, Vanessa…”

“She wasn’t ready to hear that.” Vanessa rested her head on her knees, shrinking down into the smallest space she could manage, her body shaking all over.

“Oh, goodness,” Doofenshmirtz said softly, kneeling down to her level. “Look, if she doesn’t feel the same way, that’s her problem. If she can’t see what she has, then forget about her. She’s not the one for you.”

“I… no! Dad! Wow.” Her tear-stained face turned to him, red eyes wide in shock. “So not the advice I was after. She is the one I want to be with, and… and she does appreciate what she have, but… no. I’m the one who screwed up. I want to make this work. How do I fix this?”

He stammered for a moment. “I… I don’t know.”

“Agh!” she wailed.

“I’m sorry, Vanessa.”

“Not your fault, Dad.” She lowered her head again and continued sobbing. “What have I done?”

“You’ve spoken from the heart,” he said solemnly. “It’s not a crime.”

She wiped her face again. “I gotta figure this out.”

~0~0~0~

Stacy nervously approached Candace, who was working on a sinkful of dishes. “Hey, Candace? I, um… I screwed up.”

“You did?” Candace said absently. “When?”

“In the backyard,” Stacy murmured through a tight, false smile. “Vanessa dropped the L-bomb, and I…”

Candace turned to her in alarm. “Oh my God.”

“Yeah. It… kinda caught me off-guard.”

“What, you didn’t say it back?”

“I sure didn’t.”

Candace bit her lip. “Ooooof. That’s rough. I mean… in your defense, that does seem a little premature.”

“It does,” Stacy agreed, straining further. “But… damn… I could tell she really meant it.”

Candace set her dishes aside and put a hand on Stacy’s cheek comfortingly. “It’s hard to cope with, isn’t it? That the hottest girl in school is crazy about you.”

“My self-image isn’t good enough for me to fully be able to process that, yeah.”

“Trust me, I know what that’s like. Jeremy is so out of my league. It’s kinda mystifying, isn’t it?”

Stacy slid over and started washing the dishes herself. “Candace… what do I do?”

“Well, that depends,” Candace said thoughtfully. “Do you love her?”

“I don’t know,” Stacy groaned. “Probably not. It’s early for that. But… I wouldn’t mind falling in love with her. I think I’m getting there.”

“Well, then you didn’t do anything wrong,” said Candace. “You shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ if you’re not being honest.”

“I guess that’s true.”

“It is true. And… you want to keep seeing her?”

“More than anything.”

“Then stick with her,” said Candace. “And say it when you mean it.”

Candace joined her at the sink, and they worked on the dishes together.

“I’ve never been in love before,” said Stacy. “How will I know when I’ve… gotten there?”

“Oh, you’ll know,” said Candace. “It’s not a slow and creeping thing. It hits you. Like lightning. I can’t describe it, but it’s unmistakable.”

“Okay.”

“And here’s the thing, though…”

“What?”

“Through no fault of your own… you did kinda break her heart just now, there can be no doubt about that.”

“Yeah,” Stacy said grimly.

“So you can’t just say it,” said Candace. “When you’re ready to tell her ‘I love you’, you’re gonna have to come up with some big romantic gesture to compensate for not saying it back right away.”

Stacy winced. “Like… what kind of gesture?”

“Doesn’t matter. As long as it’s good. And big. We’ll think of something.”

Stacy looked at her. “We?”

“I’ll help you.”

“Okay…”

Candace watched Stacy as she worked, going through one plate after another.

“What are you thinking?” Candace asked gently.

Stacy sighed. “Worrying she might not want to sleep with me anymore if she thinks I don’t love her. We’ve done it a few times now. Kinda the highlight of the week for me, and I hoped it’d become a regular habit. I might have lost that.”

Candace hugged her from behind, echoing how Stacy had greeted her when she had arrived. “Come on. She loves you and there’s no way she can resist you.”

“Yeah,” Stacy murmured. “Ugh, I feel like I’m losing her. I hope we can make this work. She’s a wonderful person who really gets me. She’s sexy and confident and makes me feel sexy and confident, like… like she can help me find my true self. Her kisses are addictive and we have just great, amazing, mind-blowing sex.”

“I know,” said Candace. “And my mom knows, but she’s been decent enough to pretend I didn’t let that slip.”

“Love you, Candace.”

Candace kissed her on the cheek and returned to washing. “So, apart from that… didn’t this go super well? I knew Vanessa would impress your mom.”

“Well, Vanessa is the most impressive thing I’ve ever done. I hope I didn’t wreck it.”

Candace rested her head on Stacy’s shoulder. Stacy leaned back, resting on Candace’s head, and they both continued to scrub the dishes together, as well as they could while leaning against each other.

Chapter Text

Candace sat in a director’s chair in the backyard, closely beside Phineas, who was operating a camera which he slowly wheeled forward, steadily approaching the back of a man’s head as he stood out in the center of the yard and listened carefully to a recording of his own voice.

“There’s a scourge plaguing Danville High. Students not looking out for one another. People left lonely and forgotten in dark corners of the school.”

Fiery explosions burst around him, and he spread his arms dramatically.

“You need a homecoming princess who’s there for everyone. Who can bring you all together in the pursuit of justice and togetherness. You. Need. Candace Flynn.”

He turned to the camera, and Buford leaned a boom mic in on him as he spoke.

“I’m Edward Norton, and I’m endorsing Candace Flynn for your sophomore class’s homecoming princess.”

Phineas popped out from behind the camera. “Excellent work,” he said. “Crew, take ten. Yuri, let’s get you to makeup.”

Isabella escorted Yuri Lowenthal into the house. Elijah Wood stood up from a comfortable chair and approached Phineas and Ferb.

“It’s really cool that you guys are doing this for your sister,” he said. “But why aren’t you appearing in any of these ads? You’d get everyone on your side with a Phineas and Ferb endorsement.”

“Thanks, Elijah,” said Phineas. “But we’re keeping our involvement on the down-low. Candace’s old bully, whom we’re trying to either rehabilitate or take down a peg, doesn’t know yet that we’re with her… with Candace, that is… and Candace would prefer we kept it that way.”

Wood returned to his seat as Phineas and Ferb started preparing the camera for the next scene. Seeing an opening, Buford and Baljeet eagerly approached him.

“Hellooooo, Mr. Elijah Wood,” Baljeet said, grinning broadly.

“Hey, boys,” he replied casually. “You guys look like you want to talk about The Lord of the Rings.”

“We do,” said Baljeet. “We’re big fans. When we talk about high fantasy, we’re usually stuck talking about Stumbleberry Finkbat…”

“Proud Finkie, right here,” said Buford, pointing his thumbs at himself.

“For, you know, contractual reasons,” Baljeet went on. “We’re not paid to promote the works of a Warner Brothers-owned studio. But we’d be delighted to talk Lord of the Rings for a change.”

“Let’s start with the most important question,” said Buford. “Could you beat Daniel Radcliffe in a fight?”

Wood chuckled. “You know, I’ve never understood why people compare Lord of the Rings to Harry Potter. Just because they’re both fantasy books that Warner Brothers adapted in the early aughts. It’s such a reductionist view of the fantasy genre. What do they have in common, really? A lot of white people with English accents? That was just the aesthetic that said ‘fantasy’ back then and the world is outgrowing it. Sure, maybe Dan and I look similar if you squint at us, and I will grant that both series have a very prominent white-bearded wizard guy or two, but really? Really? The settings and themes are so drastically different, I don’t see how anyone can act like they’re somehow alike.”

“Well, that wasn’t really my question,” Buford said pointedly.

“Right, of course: Dan,” Wood acknowledged. “Dan could absolutely beat me in a fight. Have you seen him recently? He’s pretty ripped. And he’s a Broadway dancer, so he has endurance I could never compete with and moves I could never anticipate. Dan would kick the snot out of me.”

“Oh my,” said Baljeet. “A straight answer. That’s very refreshing.”

“I know when I’m beaten. Now, what I think you really meant was, could my franchise beat his? And the answer is, absolutely, yes. The Lord of the Rings beats up Harry Potter and steals its lunch money, no question. Let’s get real here.”

“Oooooh,” the boys said in unison, intrigued.

“There’s no comparison,” Wood went on. “The Lord of the Rings is the seminal work of fantasy literature, completely inseparable from everything that’s ever come after, and its film adaptation, if I do say so myself, is indisputably the most consistently great film trilogy of all time. Harry Potter is a bottom of the barrel ‘hey, kids, isn’t reading fun?’ series, a halfway-decent gateway to real literature, and its film adaptations, through sheer incoherency, completely fail as cinema.”

“Wow,” Buford remarked. “Opinionated.”

“Also—and I’m sure Dan would back me up on this one—when you buy Lord of the Rings merch, ninety percent of your purchase doesn’t go straight to anti-trans ‘charities’, so… you know… there’s that.” He leaned back in his chair, hands behind his head, looking smug.

“Wow,” Buford said again. “Way to kill the mood, Elijah Wood.”

“No, no, he’s right,” Baljeet muttered. “Every time someone brings up Harry Potter, someone should kill the mood.”

Lowenthal returned, in full makeup and costume as Sasuke Uchiha.

“Hey, Lowenthal,” Wood called.

He stopped in his tracks. “Say what? Elijah Wood knows my name?”

“Oh, totally,” Wood said graciously. “I just wanted to say—I loved you in RWBY.”

Lowenthal frowned. “Really? RWBY? Of all the cheap crap I’ve done just to make a buck—I mean, hell yeah, I like RWBY too.”

Edward Norton immediately swooped upon Lowenthal and looked him over. “All right, let’s get you into position,” he said quickly. “Candace, here’s what you ought to do to really get the anime vibes in this scene…” He took Candace by the shoulder and took her aside.

“Wait, what?” said Candace. “I… I know how to do anime vibes…”

He paid no mind to that, taking her further aside and continuing to animatedly explain to her what he was envisioning. Lowenthal shrugged and followed along so he could hear.

Chapter Text

Phineas and Ferb were lounging around in their room when there was a knock at the door. Instantly, they jumped out of bed in unison and scurried to the door together, opening it to see Candace, looking like she was on the verge of tears.

“Hey, guys,” she said softly.

“What’s the matter?” Phineas asked instantly.

Candace whimpered before replying. “Edward Norton has taken over the production and is making the campaign ads he wants to make.”

“Oh,” Phineas said in alarm. “Oh, dear. Yikes, I was afraid of that. He is known for doing that sort of thing.”

Candace scowled. “Then why did you bring him in?”

“We thought he could restrain himself. He came so highly recommended.”

“By whom?” Candace said suspiciously.

“The Hulk. In retrospect, he may have been trolling us.”

“He was uncharacteristically giggly over the phone while giving his endorsement,” Ferb muttered.

“Not to worry, Candace,” said Phineas. “We’ll get Ed out of your hair.”

“Yeah, can we find someone to replace him?” Candace said hopefully. “I was thinking, these being ads for a homecoming princess, we could use a woman’s touch.”

Phineas nodded slowly. “You’re right. I didn’t think of that, you’re absolutely right. I’m sorry.”

“It’s all good,” said Candace. “I know we don’t have much time, but… can we get Sarah Michelle Gellar?”

“Ooh, good thought!” Phineas said eagerly. “We’ll get right on making contact with her.”

“Cool, cool, very cool.”

“Yeah! Are you a Buffy fan? Didn’t know that.”

“Of course I’m a Buffy fan,” Candace said proudly. “I’m a mostly-closeted nerdy girl, so, yeah. I thought of her because on lists of people nobody in Hollywood wants to work with anymore, right next to Edward Norton’s name you see Joss Whedon’s.”

“Uh-huh,” Phineas said uncomfortably. “For different reasons, I’m sure. Ed may be unbearable creatively, but I’m sure he’s a perfectly decent guy.”

“No doubt.”

“Anyway, we’ll politely remove Ed from the premises and then we’ll call Sarah for you.”

“No, wait, hang on,” said Candace. “When have you two ever thrown somebody out? I don’t know if you’re built for this.”

“I mean… we can do it…”

“You don’t sound enthused. I’ll kick him out. It’s okay. It’s not your bag. It’s as easy as ‘Ed, you’re fired’.”

“I’d probably say something much more tactful,” Phineas admitted.

“And that’s why he won’t leave if you do it,” said Candace. “I’ll take care of him, you call Sarah Michelle Gellar.”

“Well, we can’t just call her, we have to get in touch with her people and see if she’s interested. We’re constrained by reality a little.”

“Right. Do that, then.”

“Okay, Candace. We’re on it.”

Chapter Text

Candace sat silently in her morning homeroom class, shooting a smile at Stacy, who sat nearby. As announcements played on the video screen at the front of the classroom, she didn’t pay much attention… until she heard Phineas’s voice.

“Lisa Stone… Bully. Body-shamer. Foul-mouthed lunkhead.”

Candace gripped her desk nervously as images of Lisa flashed across the screen.

“She wants your vote,” Phineas’s narration went on. “But does she respect you? Does she care about anybody other than herself? Look at her strutting around like she owns the place. Is she really cool enough to pull that off?”

Candace buried her head in her hands. “Oh, God.”

“If you don’t think Lisa Stone has any skeletons in her closet…”

A clip played of a closet door opening, and a goat suit hanging there.

“Think again. A cool and popular girl who’s princess material? Try a narcissistic bully who’d really prefer that you didn’t know she cavorts around in a goat suit.”

Candace realized that Stacy was looking at her, and soon noticed that so were several others, recognizing her brother’s voice.

“Paid for by the commission for anybody but Lisa Stone for sophomore homecoming princess,” Phineas concluded as the screen went black. The words Anybody but Lisa Stone appeared in a dramatic font, then faded away.

~0~0~0~

At her locker, Candace caught Lisa out of the corner of her eye. “Gah!” she exclaimed, swiftly slamming her locker shut to protect her possessions.

“Who made the ‘anybody but Lisa’ ad?” Lisa growled.

“How the hell should I know?” Candace snapped back.

Candace’s feigned outrage seemed to convince Lisa, who backed away. “The school says they’re investigating,” she rambled, more to herself than Candace. “Becaused that smear ad was definitely bullying. They don’t know how it slipped in with the morning announcements.”

“Couldn’t tell you,” Candace said calmly.

“I know that voice, who did the… the voice-over,” she went on. “It’s those middle school kids who have been stalking me since the first day of school. Trying to pressure me into getting a breast reduction, or joining a furry club. I haven’t got a fucking clue what they want from me. Are they with you?”

Hardly believing her luck, Candace replied, “…No?”

Lisa crossed her arms, fuming. “I’m not really a furry.”

“Really? Was that not your suit?”

“It’s mine,” she said tersely. “It’s for Satanic rituals. Come on. Does that look like a cute goat suit to you?”

“Um… couldn’t tell you. Not really a fan of goats.”

Lisa paced the floor anxiously. “I don’t like this. I don’t like someone treating my goat suit as something lame to use against me. It’s an awesome suit. I lost my virginity in that mask.”

“Er, did you?”

“Yeah. At a big bonfire. To a cool guy from another high school who also chose a goat as his… persona for the ritual. It rocked. Can’t believe the most awesome thing in my life is being used to smear me.”

“Well,” Candace said, smirking in spite of herself, “you know what they say about what happens when you screw one goat. You can’t really live that down.”

“And you!” Lisa snarled, suddenly vicious and pointing a condemning finger up at Candace. “You’re dating Jeremy Duncan, right?”

“Uh, Johnson. Jeremy Johnson.”

“That’s right. Why did I think it was Jeremy Duncan?”

“Well… I believe Jeremy Duncan is the main character of the classic comic strip Zits. I can see where you got confused, they’re both blond high school guys who play guitar in a band, fairly similar clothing styles. Of course, Jeremy Duncan is a pretty stereotypical teen boy, all moody and apathetic. My Jeremy is much nicer.”

Lisa stewed on that for a moment. “How did you pull that off? You, and him?”

“I dunno. Sometimes I’m nice to people?”

Lisa huffed. “If I wanted a Jeremy, I could pull a Jeremy. Way better than you could.”

Candace said nothing. Out of nowhere, Lisa whirled on her and threw a punch. Candace frantically dodged to the side and Lisa’s fist collided with a locker. She growled and clutched her injured hand.

“I’m just so pissed off,” Lisa said raggedly before stalking away.

“Well, that was a little surreal,” Candace said to herself, entering her locker combination again. “I just had what was almost a civil conversation with Lisa Stone. She looks so downtrodden. Do I really like seeing that…? Yes, yes I do. I do like that.” She glanced at Lisa’s retreating figure, then retrieved her things from her locker. “Satanic rituals in that cutesy little goat suit,” she muttered. “I’m so sure. Frickin’ edgelord.”

Chapter Text

Doofenshmirtz casually opened the door and leaned into Vanessa’s room. “Hey, Vanessa—”

She dropped her phone, which she was holding way up over her head, in alarm. It bounced on her bed and landed face up, displaying a text chat with the photo she had just taken. It was soon joined by another photo, and Vanessa hastily flipped her phone facedown and adjusted her pajama top so it covered her more.

“You know better than to barge into my room without knocking,” she said nervously. “This… isn’t what it looks like.”

“Really?” Doofenshmirtz said wryly. “Because it looks like you were taking a provocative selfie and sending it to your girlfriend, and she sent you one back.”

“Okay, so it’s precisely what it looks like,” Vanessa admitted. “So sue me.”

“Me? I wouldn’t dream of taking legal action against you for that. But don’t get too provocative with it, honey. You’re underage and that’s just a teensy bit illegal. You could face serious consequences for taking and distributing such photos, and it’ll be on your record for the rest of your life.”

“Me? Get in trouble? For taking pictures of myself and ‘distributing’ them to just one person?”

“It’s kind of considered one of the worst crimes there is, Vanessa,” Doofenshmirtz said solemnly. “They don’t like leaving room for loopholes in that law.”

“All right,” said Vanessa, toying with her phone and tugging at her neckline again. “That doesn’t add up to me, intuitively, but I guess I trust a guy who’s fiercely protective of his smoking-hot underage daughter, to know the law better than my intuition.”

“Thanks, I think,” he said. “And you’re not smoking hot. You’re my little girl.”

“My peers think I’m smoking hot.”

“Yeah, well, they’re teenagers, aren’t they? Teenagers all have brain damage! Addled by the hormones pumping through their systems.”

“I’m fairly certain I’m smoking hot,” Vanessa muttered. Her phone chimed, and she glanced at it. “Sorry, just let me… tell her quick that I’m having a conversation with you, and then I’ll get back to her in a little bit…” She began typing quickly.

“Sending provocative pics won’t make her love you, you know,” Doofenshmirtz said gently.

Vanessa hesitated, then finished her text and set her phone down again. “Yeah, I know. I know it won’t. I’m just trying not to apply pressure to her. I’m trying to keep things normal, like that awkward moment never happened and we’re still doing totally okay.” She looked down for a moment, stewing in her feelings, then smiled brightly at him. “So, as long as I’m wallowing in misery, can I have a car?”

“No,” he said promptly. “You get around perfectly well on your scooter.”

“I guess. But it’d be pretty neat to have a car.”

“You have a means of transportation,” he said simply. “And anyway, whatever happened to Vlorkel? I would think a girl with an alien dragon would get around town that way, not on a silly little scooter.”

“I don’t think Vlorkel was very happy living in my mom’s house,” said Vanessa. “So I asked the agency how we might be able to help her… they employ animals and she is, kind of, an animal. So they took her in, along with the other member of her species who got chicken-replace-inated here to Danville and was living at the dragon theme park. The guy who ran the place sold off all the dragon-related assets so he could start an anime convention hall. Apparently he expected anime-related guests to just… fall out of the sky. But I did mention to him that Yuri Lowenthal is in town, so hopefully that’s a good start for him. Anyway, Vlorkel and the other one were given really big fedoras and donated to Canadian OWCA, where they currently patrol for evil in the forests of Saskatchewan. That was at my request, because I like saying ‘Saskatchewan’.”

“Good deal,” Doofenshmirtz said absently. “Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I ordered some pizzas. They’ll be here in twenty minutes. Be sure to come join me.”

“Okay, Dad.”

He paused halfway out her door, then turned back to her. “Can I ask you a personal question?”

“Maybe. Can I have a car?”

“No.”

“Then… probably not.”

“You don’t need a car, Vanessa, and I don’t need to ask you a personal question that badly. Anything else you’re willing to trade?”

She pondered, amused. “How about you let me get a tattoo? I was thinking a hummingbird on my shoulder would absolutely slay.”

“No tattoo.”

“Okay, okay, that was a long shot. Ooh, how about a navel piercing?”

“Absolutely not,” he said, somewhat horrified.

“You know, Dad, if you don’t let me express myself with things like a navel piercing now, then all my self-expression is going to get bottled up and then the moment I turn eighteen I’m going to overcompensate and get super rebellious. So many tattoos. And piercings everywhere. My navel, my tongue, several places on my nose, definitely my nipples…”

He winced, as if the mention of her nipples was a screw being drilled into his brain, and attempted to make a recovery. “Express yourself however you want when you’re eighteen and you’re buyin’. While I have to sign off on it, you play by my rules.”

“Ugh,” she said in disgust. “So reasonable. Guess you’re not getting your personal question, then.”

“Guess not.” He turned to go.

She sat up in her bed. “Can I just…? Can I just have… earrings? A nice new pair of earrings?”

He tapped his hand against the doorframe. “New earrings are reasonable.”

“Earrings and a teeny-tiny gemstone on the side of my nose,” she said eagerly, pointing to a spot on her nose. “Right here.”

“Mm… okay.”

She got out of bed and approached to hug him. “Thanks, Dad. I’m sorry I made this a fight, I just happen to know what’s on your mind, and a girl doesn’t give up the answer to that question so easily. Not to her dad, anyway. But here, for being so fair, I’ll do you a favor: I’ll spare you from having to say the words. You want to know if I’m still a virgin. Right?”

He flinched again. “Right.”

“Well, I’ll end the agony now and tell you. No, I’m not.”

“Agh,” he said. “Well, that stings, but I guess not as much as not knowing. Who… who all have you been with?”

“Just… just Stacy,” she said shyly.

“Really?” he said, perking up. “Just the girl you’re currently seeing? Your first very serious relationship? Well, that’s reassuring. I always worried you might have given it up to that guy Johnny.”

She shook her head. “Johnny wasn’t the kind of boyfriend you lose your virginity to. Even when I liked him, I knew that. If I’d been more experienced when I was with him, I probably would have slept with him. But I wasn’t. So I didn’t. As for the guy I dated after Johnny… he was a good guy. If I’d given it to him… no regrets. He would have been worthy. But we kinda drifted apart before that could happen.”

“So I suppose that’s the last I’ll be hearing of that guy?”

“I suppose. And then right after that is when I met Stacy. Stacy… Stacy is special.” She held her phone close to her chest lovingly. “Even if, so far, she only sorta loves me.”

Chapter Text

On a Saturday morning, Candace sat in bed and dialed Jeremy’s number, waiting a few moments to hear his voice. “Hello?”

“Hey, babe!” Candace said brightly. “Wanted to let you know I won’t be up for anything fun this weekend. It’s my time of the month.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. These things happen to the best of us. I’m feeling like just kinda kicking back and keeping to myself for the weekend.”

“Okay, Candace. Um… can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“Why didn’t I get a call like this last month or the month before?”

Candace smiled. “Well, that’s a very insightful question, Jeremy. Here’s the secret insider truth about periods: they’re kinda… debilitating? They hurt a lot and there’s so much hassle. But society isn’t ready to deal with that fact, so us girls, and additional people who menstruate, kinda have to go about our lives while that whole thing is going on and not let anybody know, or let anything keep us down. There are times, like when you’ve been dating a guy for long enough, that the truth just has to come out. I’m lucky enough that this is hitting me on the weekend, so, I’m just gonna sit around for as long as I can and not deal with life again until Monday.”

“Sounds good, Candace,” said Jeremy. “Thanks for telling me. Want me to come by and take care of you?”

Her face lit up. “Awwww! I love that idea. Next time I see you, you’re gonna get lots of smooches for suggesting it—but, no, I’ve made arrangements. Isabella’s going to take care of me. We get patches out of it, both of us.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, Isabella wants to get her patch for taking care of cramps and such, and apparently, you get one just for having your period. Softens the blow, you know? So I’m gonna get that one, a bit belatedly.”

“I didn’t realize you were still officially a Fireside Girl.”

“I like achievement patches. Major endorphin rush. So, yeah, gonna have to turn you down for now, but maybe you can take care of me next month.”

“Okay.”

“In fact,” she said slyly, “I’ve always heard that making love is good for cramps. I’ve wanted to try that, see how true it is. But, you know, let’s take a few months to master regular lovemaking before we try that less glamorous pursuit.”

“Makes sense to me. We’ll have to give it a shot one day.”

“Lots of love, Jeremy. Talk to you later.”

“Love you, babe.”

Candace hung up and immediately made another call. She could faintly hear the phone ringing across the street before hearing a cheerful voice declare “¡Hola!”

“Hey, Mrs. Garcia-Shapiro,” she said. “It’s Candace.”

“Oh, Candace!” Vivian said eagerly. “I’ve been seeing you biking around the neighborhood and you’ve gotten so tall.”

“I’m sure I’m the same height I was last time we spoke,” Candace said dryly. “Maybe you’re thinking of the womanly figure I’ve developed.”

“Oh, yes, that must be it. You’re so beautiful, Candace.”

Smug at the compliment successfully fished for, Candace went on. “So, hey, I’m feeling a bit under the weather and Isabella said she’d look after me. Can you send her over? She’ll know what it’s all about.”

“Okay, Candace. She’ll be on her way in a moment.”

“Thank you, ma’am.” She hung up.

About twenty minutes later, she heard Isabella enter the house without knocking and make her way up the stairs. She entered her room with her arms laden with plastic bags full of supplies.

“Hey, Candace. Sorry for the delay. It completely slipped my mind to prepare for this! So I don’t have the home-cooked meal I promised, I just grabbed some spinach-and-artichoke dip and corn chips. I don’t know what the iron content is in the dip, it’s probably not much, so, it’s more comfort food than an iron supplement, but that’s important at this time too.”

“Works for me.”

“I also got the old standby, a hot water bottle. Will that actually be comfortable in this weather? It’s still pretty warm outside.”

“Oh, by all means. Come to mama.”

“Okay, I’ll heat it up,” said Isabella. “Let me show you what else I’ve got…”

“Yeah, yeah, we’ll get there,” Candace said dismissively. “When do I get the patch? Do I have to prove I’m on my period or can you take my word for it? ’Cause if you need evidence you can check my laundry basket and my trash can. There’s, you know… stuff with blood on it.”

“I’ll look into that. You don’t need a ton of evidence to get a patch.”

Candace reclined in her bed. “So, tell me, why did you need me to earn this patch? Does your mom never need pampering like this?”

“If she does, I don’t hear about it. You know my mom, she never talks about anything meaningful. I don’t know what’s going on with her. She does keep an eye on the kids in the neighborhood, you know, always commenting that we’re getting taller or looking more mature and all that, so… maybe she’ll have something insightful to say when I get mine.”

“Just curious. What else you got?”

Isabella continued rifling through the various bags. “Got some pain pills. And a dozen Fireside Girl cupcakes! Take it easy on those, not too much all at once.”

“Ooh, killer. Gimme one.”

Isabella presented her with a single cupcake, which she immediately snatched up.

“Epic!” said Candace, licking her lips while admiring the cupcake’s craftsmanship. “You know what I always wanted to do with some Fireside Girl cupcakes?”

“I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to eat them, Candace.”

“Well, yeah, but what I wanted to do was scoop the icing off two of them, put them on my nipples, and have Jeremy lick them off.”

Isabella stared blankly for a few seconds. “Jesus Christ, Candace!”

“What?” she said defensively through a mouthful of cupcake. “I like it when Jeremy licks my nipples. He should get a little treat out of it. I mean a treat besides the feel of my nipples in his mouth, which he claims is treat enough, but hey, things can always be improved.”

“I… I really don’t know what to say. Maybe this is a conversation better had with Stacy, or… somebody else?”

Candace polished off the cupcake, licking every fragment of crumbs and frosting off her fingers. “Are you allowed to say ‘Jesus Christ’? Aren’t you Jewish?”

“Well, Mexican-Jewish. You know how most of the trappings of Mexican culture, especially the really famous bits like the Day of the Dead, are kind of a combination of the beliefs of the indigenous peoples, plus some ancient Aztec influences, mixed with the Catholic traditions of the Spanish, ahem, colonizers?”

“Well… um… I know that now, now that you’ve said that.”

“Well, Mexican-Judaism is like that, but just a little bit more Jewish. For being Jews, we’re strangely Catholic. Anyway, of course I’m allowed to exclaim ‘Jesus Christ’. It’s Christians who can’t do that. The commandment is that you can’t curse in God’s name. Jews don’t believe Jesus was God. We can say whatever we want about the guy.”

Candace nodded. “Right, that adds up. Makes more sense than what I was thinking.”

“Anyway, I don’t really… I don’t really practice my religion anymore, at least not outside the house,” Isabella admitted. “It’s my culture and everything, but at this point in my life I kinda figure that if the Abrahamic God existed, Phineas and Ferb would have found him by now and, I dunno, kicked his ass at extreme tetherball or something.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right about that.”

“So, I just don’t vibe with the big three religions of the world right now. Judaism, Christianity, and Islam… I mean, just the fact that they’re all fairly incompatible with each other makes me feel like none of them are true. With everything we’ve seen in our summer adventures—the Lake Nose monster, el chupacabra, Klimpaloon—I’ve gotta assume that the truth about the universe has to be some form of deism or animism.”

“If you say so.”

Isabella smiled, pleased at the direction the conversation had taken. “How about you, Candace? Are you a woman of faith?”

“Nah,” said Candace. “I think my mom was a Catholic schoolgirl before she was Lindana. But I was raised entirely without a religion. So, I don’t have one. And I know Jeremy doesn’t either, so, it would seem that’s how it’s gonna stay in our… future household.”

Isabella bit her lip, but her curiosity overcame her and she had to ask. “Phineas told me about your plans for homecoming. The plans other than winning the crown, that is. I thought he must have misunderstood, but he insisted it’s what you said. Is it true you’re going to have sex with Jeremy that night?”

Candace winked. “That’s the plan. Can you pass me the chips and dip?”

She did so. “Are you really ready for that?”

Candace scooped up some of the spinach dip on a chip and took a slow bite, savoring the taste. “Well, that’s a little complicated,” she said. “Just a little. I want him so bad. But I’m nervous, of course. Homecoming gets hyped up a lot in those first few weeks of high school, though, so I think I’ll get swept up in the hype and any part of it that I’m not sure of… I’ll get over it. I think I’ll be totally prepared by the day of.”

“And… contextually… he has already licked your boobs?”

“Yep. For as long as I’ve had them, he’s had unlimited access to them. That’s been so much fun.”

“Is it, like… pleasurable?”

“A little bit. Not a lot. But, yeah, nipple stuff feels good.”

Eased into this new topic, Isabella leaned in closer. “What makes you so nervous about going all the way?”

“Wouldn’t you be? I’m literally going to let someone else inside my body. That’s kind of a big deal. There’s a reason the first time you do that is such a milestone. Other firsts in life are at least comprehensible. Sex is… unseen territory… before you’ve done it. It’s also the only thing you can miss before you’ve ever had it! I want it so bad…”

“Yeah, you said that,” Isabella giggled awkwardly. “And isn’t the first time supposed to really hurt, or…?”

“I’m pretty sure that’s a myth,” Candace said seriously. “Reasonably sure. It only hurts if you’re anxious about it and so your body is insufficiently ready. If you’re ready and relaxed, it doesn’t hurt.”

“Uh-huh. So… how do you stop yourself from being anxious and unready about letting someone into your body?”

“Um… uh…” Candace thought hard about that, then deflated visibly. “Wow. Okay, I’m thinking and trying to be really honest with myself, and… no, I think I’m gonna be nervous about it no matter what happens. I guess the first time just does hurt. Ah, well. It’ll be worth it, I’m sure.”

“I’ve been thinking about stuff like that lately,” Isabella admitted. “Growing up. Doing grown-up stuff.”

“There’s no rush, kid. I’m going for it in sophomore year because that’s the right time for me.”

“Sure, but you’ve gotten all of us kinda thinking about it. A couple of the Fireside Girls wanted to try out the Revampunow. Not to revamp them now, but to see what they’ll become in the future.”

“Oh, sure. I love the simulator element on that thing.”

“It’s not often that a project sticks around for more than one day at a time, so, yeah, nice to have something fun we can keep going back to,” Isabella mused. “Ginger was excited; she’s gonna be pretty nice-looking when she’s older, but she wants to be exactly as voluptuous as Stacy is now. You know Ginger, always wanting to be just like Stacy. So she wants to mod herself when the time comes… probably freshman year. Honestly, none of us want to be flat when we’re freshmen. We’ve heard bad things.”

“Understandable.”

“Meanwhile, Gretchen got some nasty shocks. First of all, she’s always hoped she was running behind schedule for a big growth spurt… not so much. She’s going to be less than five feet tall when she’s all grown up. And, for an even bigger shock, she’s going to have massive boobs. Not quite to what you’d call hypertrophic levels, but big enough that she’s going to have a pretty bad back by the time she’s eighteen. We asked if maybe she wants to have her DNA modded so she doesn’t have to go through that, but… she wants to tough it out and see what happens.”

Candace thought about it. “Which one is Gretchen again?”

“Don’t you just love the way our lives are intertwined, Candace?” Isabella said sweetly. “I love how you pay attention and know all the intimate details.”

“You know, in the time it took you to formulate that smartass response you could have just answered the question.”

“Couldn’t help myself,” she said smugly. “Gretchen is the short one with glasses.”

“Okay, yeah, that makes sense. The short one. She’s cute! She’ll make a good shortstack.”

“Well, I hope she gets herself revamped or at least some old-fashioned breast reduction surgery before she gets too stacked, but I guess she doesn’t want to think about that yet.”

“I guess,” said Candace. “I’m a bit scared of girls who are shortstacks, you know. But that’s my own bias.”

“Of course, yeah… Lisa…” Isabella shifted uncomfortably and quickly changed the subject. “So you and Jeremy are doing okay?”

“Oh, you bet. Flying high.”

“And… why isn’t he here today?”

“Because I made arrangements with you and wanted to keep them. I filled him in on that, don’t worry. He’ll be there for me next time.”

Isabella beamed. “That’s great.” She rested her back against Candace’s bed, looking out the window wistfully. “God, I want what you guys have. And I want it with Phineas. You know, I’ve never asked for your blessing. I’m madly in love with your brother, Candace. Can I have him? Please?”

Candace laughed. “Hey, if you can get it through his head that romance is a thing, he’s yours. Blessing given.” She sat up a little straighter. “So, listen, I’m really not one to talk, but… have you tried telling him how you feel?”

“I have tried, yes,” said Isabella. “It’s hard. I’ll get around to it.” She sighed tenderly. “I know you can’t see it because he’s your little brother, but he’s soooo dreamy. It’s like I have my own personal Adrien Brody.”

“Adrien Brody?” Candace repeated blankly. “I hate to tell you, but I feel like Adrien Brody is kinda problematic. Nobody ever seems to talk about it, and he seems super classy on the surface, but every time he finds himself on live TV he does something sus. Apart from that ridiculously self-indulgent Oscar speech, there was the time he dressed up as a Jamaican guy, the time he planted a surprise kiss on Halle Berry, it’s like he can’t help but be some kind of prick every time.”

“Oh, I know all that. I’m not endorsing Adrien Brody as a person, I’m just saying Phineas is an Adrien Brody type.”

“Well, that was going to be my other question—in what possible sense is Phineas an Adrien Brody type?”

“He’s got a big fuckin’ giant pointy nose.”

“Oh, okay. I thought you were thinking more profoundly. I… I get it now.” Candace pondered. “How are you supposed to kiss him? You’d have to get around that nose.”

“Don’t worry about that, Candace. I have spent a lot of time thinking about the answer to that question,” Isabella said earnestly. “I think if you put him in front of me right now I could plant a kiss on his lips pretty much immediately.” She demonstrated, striking like a snake to kiss the air.

“Hope that works out for ya,” said Candace. “Say, weren’t you gonna get that hot water bottle ready…?”

“Oops. I’ll be right back.”

In time, she returned with the hot water bottle, and set it on Candace’s abdomen. Candace sighed in profound relief.

“Good?” said Isabella.

“So relaxing. Thanks.” She sank deeper into her bed, closing her eyes.

“So, hey,” Isabella said eagerly, “remember how, at my birthday, I wanted alone time with Phineas?”

Candace nodded silently.

“Kind of ambitious, wasn’t it? Hoping for a private, stolen moment at an event where all eyes would normally be on me? Well, that was just phase one. My next goal is to sneak out of my bat mitzvah with Phineas to make out with him. Just gotta figure out the steps it’ll take to achieve that…”

Candace opened her eyes for just a moment. “That’s a long-reaching plan for such a small payoff, girl. Isn’t that your thirteenth birthday?”

“Twelfth. Girls have it on their twelfth.”

“Still, you just had your birthday. Your next one’s all the way next summer.”

“Yeah, mine and everyone else’s. You ever notice how many birthday parties we go to during summer vacation? It’s like everyone in this neighborhood was born in summer. Anyway, yes, I am willing to wait a full year before I make out with Phineas. Mostly because, currently, I don’t much like the idea of making out. I want to kiss Phineas, but like… softly. And we’ll work our way up to the heavier stuff. Over the course of… this next school year. Yeah. So I have to get him this year.”

“There you go.”

“It’ll be especially rebellious because the very moment I get mitzvah’d you just know the entire extended family is gonna start trying to set me up with nice Mexican-Jewish boys. And it’ll all be for nothing, because I’ll have my precious red-haired boyfriend who’s both a gringo and a gentile, and there’ll be nothing they can do about it.”

“Cute,” said Candace. “I gotcha on the making out thing, though. You’re not ready yet, but puberty will happen, you know? Not everyone goes through it by sixth grade. And there’s a lot of raw deals in that package, like acne, and body odor, and PMS—and heck, most of those raw deals last the rest of your life, unfortunately—but desire isn’t such a bad feeling. Romantic feelings make a lot more sense when you know what you want to do about them. You’ll get there by eighth grade. Unless you’re asexual, which…”

“Which I’m not,” Isabella said firmly. “I’m confident of that. Just looking at Phineas does things to me. My body needs him. I’m just… not quite ready to go all the way with that feeling, is all.”

“Which is fair. You probably shouldn’t.”

Isabella suddenly gasped. “Do you think maybe Phineas is asexual? Could that be why he’s so… oblivious?”

“Well… it’s a possibility,” Candace admitted. “The thing about Phineas is that he’s never been one to put away childish things. He’s a late bloomer, clearly. Doesn’t mean he won’t warm up to you, and… doesn’t mean he will. I guess the only way to find out is to keep on living our lives and see where he ends up.”

Isabella slouched. “Well, that’s concerning.”

Candace patted her shoulder comfortingly. “Hey, you wanna know something about puberty that’s funny but also kinda horrible?”

“Hit me.”

“In every middle school class, there’s always this one girl… a girl who paid close enough attention in the fifth-grade class about puberty, or when her parents filled her in on the details, and feels fairly calm and confident about getting her period. Feels like she’s ready. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, it got into her head that it’s a thing that happens one time to mark the beginning of puberty, and so whenever she finally realizes it is in fact her first period… and that it’s going to keep happening about once a month until about retirement age… she kinda has a breakdown about how she wasn’t as prepared as she thought.”

Isabella’s eyes were wide in horror. “Oh dear God. That poor girl.”

“Like I said, there’s one in every class. See if you can spot the one in your grade! Heh heh.”

“That’s terrible, Candace.”

“Terrible, but it makes for a funny story.” Candace nestled herself more deeply in the bed.

“Doing all right?” Isabella asked her.

“Doing great, thanks. Think I might have a nap. Hey, do I get a Soothing Menstrual Cramps patch out of this?”

“For just lying there while I take care of you? Well, let me think about that. No.”

“You didn’t really ‘think about that’.”

“You’re very astute.”

Chapter Text

On Monday morning at Danville Middle School, Isabella sat alone at a cafeteria table waiting for the bell to ring.

Baljeet slid up to her and sat next to her, his back to the table. “Hey, Isabella.”

“Heya, Baljeet,” she said, yawning. “Happy Monday, am I right?”

“Oh, yes, Monday is always happy,” he said sincerely, looking bright and chipper. “And math class is first thing in the morning today! Always a great time to do some more math, am I right?”

“Mm-hmm,” she said. “Hey, check this out: new patch! Haven’t even affixed it to my sash yet.” She showed him the new patch, which she was keeping in her chest pocket. “Soothing Menstrual Cramps. I took care of Candace all weekend, really earned this one.”

“Oh, nicely done,” he said appreciatively.

“Yup,” she said, examining the patch carefully. “My first patch as a middle-schooler. It’s got a diagram of a uterus on it. Seems appropriate, thematically. Feels like the introduction to a real motif we’re gonna see throughout middle school.” She pocketed the patch once more. “So, what’s up?”

“I think I have an idea for our date.”

“Baljeet, hush!” Isabella said frantically, looking around.

“Yes, yes, I know, our secret date,” said Baljeet, not lowering his voice. “That is why I waited until you were alone and we’re not facing towards each other. Very covert.”

“All right,” said Isabella. “What’s on your mind?”

“I thought we might go to one of those pizza places where they used to take us to parties when we were little,” he said smoothly. “You know, with the animatronic band and little kiddie casino of token-powered arcade games. Maybe I can use my math skills to figure out the formula and patterns of the games to win us lots and lots of tickets! Maybe with lots and lots of tickets I can get you a prize. A good one, not something lame like the erasers and little plastic bugs that most kids end up with. One of the big stuffed animals! Your choice, of course.”

“Baljeet…”

“Yes?”

She faced him, smiling genuinely. “I love it. It’s nostalgic for childhood, but it also sets good expectations for cool things a boyfriend might do. Nicely done.”

“Why, thank you,” he said smugly. “How’s Wednesday for you?”

“Wednesday? Who has a date on a Wednesday?”

“A platonic date nobody can know about,” he reminded her. “Best not to have it on too date-like a day of the week. People might notice.”

“I suppose so,” Isabella submitted. “Let’s go for it.” She grasped his hand and gave it a single squeeze, as quickly as she could, before letting go. “Thank you so much for the invite. I’ll see you there, on Wednesday.”

Baljeet smiled. “Thank you for indulging me. I will see you then.”

He walked off, a spring in his step.

Chapter Text

As Linda sat on the couch and paged through a magazine, Candace hurriedly walked by with her purse in hand. “Hey, Mom,” she said absently.

“Hi, Candace,” said Linda. “How’s the homecoming princess campaign going?”

Candace paused, eyes still on her destination of the back door. “Really, really great,” she said. “The boys have been helping me make some videos. They recruited some… you know… actors. To help me make really fun videos. I’m the fun candidate who loves everybody, especially the people who get overlooked by the popular crowd. And people are digging it. I think… I think I really, really have a shot there.”

“That’s great,” said Linda. “Where are you headed?”

“Um… just running to the mall,” Candace said evasively. “For… supplies. Dad’s helping me tune up the Nedlington Nymph a little bit, and I just need to gather a few supplies to throw into the glove compartment. It’s kind of been gathering dust since the Doo-Wop Hop, but it’ll be the perfect ride to homecoming! Jeremy will pick me up. Yes, once again, my boyfriend will be picking me up in my car, because, why not? We do things non-traditionally sometimes. And after homecoming, we’ll go work on my parallel parking, hehehehe…”

Linda calmly closed her magazine and set it aside, looking directly at Candace for the first time. “Candace. Come on.”

“What?”

“Look, I know every generation likes to think it’s invented sex, but… come on. ‘Parallel parking’ as a euphemism for sex in a car was antiquated when I was your age.”

Candace’s grin froze on her face. “You don’t know what’s what I meant. I’m bad at parallel parking and I need more practice. This is… well-documented. Maybe Jeremy can help me out with it.”

“But that’s not what you meant. Is it, Candace?”

Candace dropped to her knees. “Please don’t forbid me from giving Jeremy my virginity at homecoming! We’ve been planning this for weeks and if I get cut off from it now, I’ll never recover!”

“I’m not forbidding anything,” Linda insisted. “Can we just… talk about this?”

“I’d really, really prefer that we didn’t.”

Linda patted the empty space on the couch next to her. “Have a seat, Candace. Let’s talk.”

“Okay…” Candace crawled across the floor and flopped onto the couch beside her mom.

Linda gazed at her thoughtfully for a moment, a light smile on her face, before speaking. “Would you consider the fact that you’re not yet old enough to drive your own car to maybe mean you’re not ready to lose your virginity in it? Maybe?”

“Hmmm… nope. I don’t see any correlation there. I’m super ready.”

“Okay, just thought I’d ask.”

“I’m nervous, of course,” Candace admitted. “But come on… it’s Jeremy. I want him so bad.”

“I know you do, honey.” Linda hesitantly put a hand on Candace’s shoulder. “I should have rehearsed for this. Where do I begin? Well… be careful out there, okay, Candace? Boys tend to… change… after the first time they’ve had sex.”

“Mom,” Candace said impatiently.

“I mean it. You remember how that was a big story arc in the second season of Buffy? The reason that resonated so strongly with audiences is because… it was hardly exaggerated at all. Boys really do that… as evidenced by the first guy Buffy slept with in the fourth season, who was completely non-supernatural and basically pulled the real-world version of the exact same trick.”

“Mom, come on…”

“Some people will be whatever they have to be to get somebody into bed, and then once they have it, the pretext is just stripped away. It really can seem like they’ve lost their souls.”

“Mom,” Candace said insistently, more firmly. “It’s Jeremy. You’ve known him his whole life. You really think his long history of being a perfectly good guy was just a ploy to get into my pants? He didn’t even know I liked him before this summer.”

“Oh, honey…” Linda put her hands on the sides of Candace’s face. “I think he was Team Candace long before you ever realized. You’re absolutely right, of course, that we should trust him like we’ve always trusted him. Just know that even a guy who truly believes he’s in love can sometimes realize that he was really just horny.”

“But… but…” Candace stammered. “He’s Jeremy.”

Linda shrugged. “Every guy is a Jeremy until he isn’t. Just tread carefully.”

“I will, Mom. But you’ll see. He’s horny for me because he loves me. Our love will be stronger than ever after this, because Jeremy is exactly who we always thought he was.”

“I hope so,” Linda said softly. “So what’s your plan for protection?”

“Actually, that’s what I was on my way to the mall for,” Candace said sheepishly. “I was gonna get some condoms for the glove compartment of the Nymph.”

“Oh, good.”

“Yeah,” Candace agreed, more confidently. “Don’t worry about a thing, we’re gonna be very safe. Always. Heh, admittedly he was a little worried about that. See, in conversation about avoiding accidents and whatnot, we’ve found that I have… a bit of a pregnancy kink. I kept getting… distracted… by the idea. But I’ve still got my head in the game, my future in mind, so, not letting that cloud my judgment.”

“Oh, you do not have a pregnancy kink,” Linda said dismissively. “You think that because you’ve never been pregnant, but trust me, it’s not all that sexy.”

“Everything’s kinky to somebody, Mom. Don’t shame me for having a fetish that’s actually pretty common and sensible, as fetishes go.”

Linda hesitated, blinking several times. “Moving on, then,” she said, leaning back. “I have good news. You might not have to go to the store at all. There’s an unopened box of condoms in the downstairs bathroom. We’ve been saving it for you.”

“Really?” Candace exclaimed. “Since when?”

“Oh, since around the time you turned twelve and your longtime crush on Jeremy turned into an all-consuming lust for him. Your dad and I figured we’d better get ahead of the game and make sure you had some protection on hand.”

“…And you didn’t think to tell me about this? You waited until you caught me planning on having sex? What if you’d never caught me?”

“That’s a pretty pointless hypothetical at this point, Candace,” Linda said dryly. “I did catch you. Did you really think I wouldn’t?”

“Yeah, but… never mind, I’ll go get them.”

Candace departed for the bathroom, and shortly returned with the small box in hand.

“These are expired, Mom,” she said. “You can’t just hang onto a box of condoms for three years. They have an expiration date.”

“Oh. Whoops.”

“Yeah, ‘whoops’.”

“I did not know that.”

“How could you not know that?”

“In my own past, I’ve always just kinda… used them all.”

Candace grimaced. “Ew. Why did I ask that? Well, it’s a good thing I knew that. If I try to use these degraded old condoms they’ll break and I will get pregnant and die.” She held the box like a basketball and made a free-throw into the living room’s trash can.

“Clearly I haven’t thought this through all the way, Candace,” said Linda. “We’re in very new territory here and I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Mom,” said Candace, pulling her purse over her shoulder once more. “I’m gonna go to the store like I planned. I’ll be back before it gets dark.”

“You want me to come with, honey? I can buy if you want.”

Candace paused to think about it. “No, I got this. I’m sticking with my plan, where I go to the mall and get my own condoms like a responsible person. Anyway, I know who pays my allowance. You don’t have to pay for my condoms too.”

“Well, that’s very mature of you, Candace,” Linda said admiringly. “Not so mature that I think you’re ready to be having sex, but…”

“Listen, if there ever comes a point in my life where I realize I wasn’t ready, I’ll let you know and you can be smug that you were right, okay?”

“I would never—” Linda began, aghast.

“Anyway, I need lube too, right?” Candace cut in. “Any recommendations?”

“For… for lubricant? Eh, I don’t know. I’ve never really had any preferences or brand loyalties as far as lube. But definitely go water-based, because oil-based lubricants damage latex condoms.”

“Water-based,” Candace repeated. “Got it. That sounds more pleasant anyway.”

“Also, keep in mind there’s a reason lube comes in such tiny bottles: a little bit of it goes a long way.”

“Okay. I will keep that in mind. So… yeah… I’m gonna ride my bike to the mall, and buy condoms and lube, to keep in the Nymph to use on homecoming night. Yeah?” She grinned weakly.

Linda winced and shifted, clearly not entirely comfortable with the summary, but she offered a supportive two thumbs up. “Get ’er done, Candace.”

Candace headed for the back door, then turned back. “Hey, Mom? While we’re on the subject and it’s going rather well… do you think we can talk to Dr. Hirano about getting me on the pill?”

“The pill?” Linda repeated blankly. “The… birth control pill?”

“That’ll be what people usually mean by ‘the pill’, yes.”

“Hrmm. I don’t know, Candace. Do you really need the pill? What are you planning on doing with Jeremy that you have to do without a condom?”

“Well, nothing. I was thinking condoms and the pill. You know… two layers of safety. Isn’t that the way you’re supposed to do it?”

Linda nodded slowly. “You’re right, of course. I’ll ask Dr. Hirano to get you a prescription. Ethically, I don’t think she’s allowed to refuse.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“And, since it’s been a while, I checked with her and they’re still waiting for a psychiatrist to open up… if you’re sure a psychiatrist is what you’re after.”

Candace nodded. “Yes, because a psychiatrist prescribes pills, and… I think I’m a little too out of whack to solve it just by talking. You know?”

“Out of whack, but still totally ready to have sex, of course.”

“I mean… yeah,” Candace said boldly. “That’s the one thing I am pretty much sure about. What does the future hold? Sex with Jeremy. Lots of scary unknowns, but also sex with Jeremy. That’s where my mindset is at right now.”

Linda sighed. “Well, Candace, when the day comes as scheduled I sincerely hope you have a wonderful time. Just be aware of the risks and watch yourself, okay?”

“I will, Mom,” she promised. “It’s… kind of the biggest thing on my mind right now. I’m taking it from every angle.”

“Okay,” said Linda. “Sorry for keeping you. If you want to get back before dark, you’d better take off.”

“Yeah. Thanks, Mom. Love you.” Candace quickly swept out the back door.

Chapter Text

“So, yeah,” Candace said breezily. “I went to the store myself and got condoms and lube.”

“Gosh, that’s brave of you,” said Stacy. “I could never do that all by myself.”

“It was a bit nerve-wracking, yeah, but I pulled it off. Nobody really cares, you know? So, those are in my car now.”

They sat together in the Flynn-Fletcher living room, where Candace’s hands were eagerly hovering over a pair of fancy paper shopping bags.

“So, what’s this?” Stacy asked promptly.

“Well, after I did that, I thought… okay… that went super well,” Candace said eagerly. “I wondered if I could get something else a little naughty. If I might… take a dip into that swanky sex shop at the mall that we always pass by. I’m tall, I’m fairly busty now, maybe I could make my way in and out without being carded, you know?”

“You didn’t,” Stacy said in alarm.

“I sure did! I only got two things, because… I didn’t want to push my luck, I rushed in and out, didn’t take time to be really discerning about my purchases. First thing: vibrators.” She produced two of them and placed them on the coffee table.

“Oooooh.” Stacy stared at the items, entranced.

“So that’ll be fun. Also… bikinis made of candy.” They were in very large boxes, which she also placed on the table.

Stacy was silent for a moment. “Huh,” she finally remarked.

“Yeah, I know,” Candace said dismissively. “But like I said, it was the first thing that caught my eye and I wanted to get out of there quickly. So, yeah, it’s not very sexy and I can’t imagine it’s very good candy either. Probably gets sugar in your vagina, which doesn’t sound like a very good idea. So, yeah, a dumb purchase, but maybe we can make it work at least a little.”

Stacy’s eyes darted back and forth, between the two vibrators and the two candy bikinis. “Why did you get two of each item?”

“One is for you, of course,” said Candace. “Do you want the purple vibrator or the green?”

“Oh!” Stacy exclaimed. “Uh, purple, please.”

“Yeah, I thought so,” Candace said grimly, taking up the green one for herself and sighing at it forlornly. “Neon green isn’t a very sexy color. I wish I hadn’t been in such a hurry. Could have got red or blue, or… something better. Almost anything would have been better than green. But it’s okay. I’m sure I’ll become fond of it in time.”

“I’m sure,” said Stacy. She held the purple vibrator, hers now, and stared at it, captivated. “Thanks for this, Candace. It’s a wonderful gift. I’ve been wanting a vibrator. Needing, really. But my mom wouldn’t get one for me.”

Candace patted Stacy on the back. “Is everything okay with Vanessa?”

“It’s fine,” Stacy said quietly. “We’re still dodging the big ‘I love you’ issue. She’s acting like it never happened, so… we’re just keeping up the rhythm we had before, which means we’re still regularly having… what I consider to be good sex. But, hey, what do I know? I’m fifteen and I started having sex like half a month ago. Can I imagine better sex? No. But do I think it’s out there? Absolutely, I do. I’ve read a lot of magazines and I’m sure that greater pleasures can be achieved as I become more experienced. Whether alone or with Vanessa.”

“Nice, Stace.”

“I mean, heck, besides pleasure, I… you hear over and over again how they don’t teach you in school how to have safe sex between two girls, but then… then they don’t actually tell you how to do that. I’ve just been letting her stick her fingers in me all willy-nilly. We need to study up on how to protect ourselves better before we get an infection.”

“Oh, I’m sure it’s as simple as just washing your hands, before… you know,” Candace said encouragingly. “Maybe there’s something you can buy that’s like small condoms for your fingers? Maybe? That sounds like a good idea. Maybe it’s a thing.”

“If it’s a thing it’d be a bit of a rip-off,” said Stacy. “Could just wear disposable latex gloves in that case…”

“I guess,” Candace submitted. She leaned closer to Stacy. “Is it nice? Being touched with… somebody else’s fingers?”

“Pretty big improvement over my own fingers,” said Stacy, nodding eagerly. “It’s not as nice as tongue, though. I’m very, very fond of Vanessa’s tongue.”

Candace nodded slowly. “I’ve been thinking about it, and… yeah, I think I want to get some serious third base action with Jeremy before we go all the way at homecoming. Get a little preview, a piece of his fingers and tongue. And see what I can do for him… with my hands… and maybe more. You know, just show each other what we’re working with before the big event.”

“Sounds magical, Candace,” Stacy said jovially. “Third base is quite a big step. Of course, Vanessa and I are kinda stuck at third base. If third base is below-waist activity, then… when neither partner has a penis… where do you really draw the line between third base and actually going all the way? What’s the lesbian version of going all the way as opposed to third base? Is it tongue instead of fingers? Sixty-nining? Scissoring? Let me tell you: we’ve sixty-nined and it’s just a hassle. We’ve scissored and it’s laaaame. Maybe it’s a skill issue and we just need to learn how to do those things properly, but we’ve found for the time being that the only truly pleasurable thing to do is to take turns going down on each other. And I’m worried that might get stale.”

“Oh, come on, it’s been a few weeks. Your sex life can’t get stale that quickly.”

“Not yet, but it’s just a concern I have. I fear I may need a way to spice things up.”

“Sounds like you’re been trying,” said Candace. “That’s all you can do.”

“Yeah,” Stacy muttered.

Candace leaned close to her again. “Listen… keeping in mind that I’m a straight girl, I still recognize Vanessa as being, you know, pretty much the hottest thing ever—is sex with her as breathtaking as it seems it must be, from just looking at her?”

Stacy beamed at her. “Sex with Vanessa is everything, Candace. It’s practically what I live for now. She’s not more experienced than me, but she is more confident and daring, and that’s what’s great about our entire relationship. Not just the sex, but… especially the sex. Listen, I don’t like to brag. If I’m going to tell my stories, why don’t I wait until after homecoming when you have some stories to tell me in return?”

“All right, Stace.”

Stacy brought her face closer to Candace’s. “Hey. You know what we should do? We should go back to that sex shop. It’ll be easier to keep your composure if we go together, right?”

“I guess,” Candace said nervously.

“And you know what we should get? Dildos. Fingers and tongue are great and all, but I have this craving for deep penetration, you know?”

Candace gulped. “Yeah, I… I crave deep penetration. But I kinda want Jeremy to give it to me directly… you know… while I’m still untouched deep inside.”

“I dunno, Candace. A dildo might help loosen you up. Make that first time not hurt so much, yeah?”

“That sounds reasonable and practical,” Candace agreed. “But not very sentimental. I want the first thing in there to be Jeremy’s thing. Maybe then a dildo to help me adapt, but not before I’ve had my first time with him.”

Stacy shrugged. “Suit yourself, girl. Me, I think a couple of toys are what I’m after to unlock some secrets and spice things up with Vanessa. Would it be just… totally rude if I asked if I could go home right now and test out this vibrator? I’m really excited to try it.”

“You do that,” said Candace. “Gives me a chance to do the same with mine.”

“Okay.” Stacy kissed Candace on the cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Don’t forget your candy bikini.”

“Right. I will… wear that for Vanessa next time I’m with her and let you know if it’s even remotely worthwhile.”

“Sounds good. Love you, girl.”

Chapter Text

Baljeet and Isabella sat together at the pizza party restaurant Baljeet had described. They were easily the oldest kids present, and he had indeed won her the big stuffed animal—a teddy bear almost as big as her. Their arcade time over, they were back at their table enjoying pizza and soda.

“This has been a wonderful date, Baljeet,” Isabella said sweetly. “I can’t believe you really pulled off gaming the system like that. I have to admit, by the time I got this bear, I… I almost forgot this was supposed to be platonic.” She fluttered her eyelashes at him.

Baljeet backed away from her uneasily. “Are you drunk?”

“Don’t be silly,” said Isabella. “All I’ve been drinking is fruity soda from the soda fountain…”

“It must be the food, then,” said Baljeet, staring in concern at the pizza on his own plate. “You don’t have to be a cynical adult to realize that the pizza at this joint is sus. I used to wonder why adults always grumbled about birthday parties at this place. I get it now.”

“Well, I’m having a good time here with you,” she said, defiantly taking another bite of pizza. “So maybe I’m a flirty drunk. Whatever. What I say is true.” She took his hand. “You are boyfriend material, Baljeet. The intelligence, the passion, the shyness and sweetness, it’s all a wonderful package.”

“Thank you, Isabella,” he said, carefully extricating his hand from hers. “Phineas will be a lucky guy when he finally gets it through his pointy little skull what he’s been missing.”

Isabella beamed. Just as quickly, her face fell and she began sobbing into her hands.

“Isabella?” Baljeet said in alarm.

She lifted her head and tried to regain her composure, but the tears continued falling. “It’s so hard, you know,” she squeaked. “I’ve given him five years of my life and he’s completely clueless. Sometimes I wonder if it’s even worth it.”

“Of course it’s worth it!” he exclaimed. “Everyone knows you belong together. You’ve got to fight for your love.”

“Yeah, everybody except him,” she grumbled. “Sometimes it shouldn’t have to be a fight. For Christ’s sake, sometimes relationships should just be easy and make you feel good. That’s healthy, right? When it’s not an uphill struggle all the time?”

He blinked at her. “Are you allowed to say ‘for Christ’s sake’? Aren’t you Jewish?”

“Oh, I don’t wanna get into that again,” she muttered, waving her hand. “It’s just an expression. When you say ‘oh my God’, do I ask you which Hindu god you mean?”

“I am not in the habit of saying ‘oh my God’. I don’t really curse much. Can’t pull it off.”

“You know what I mean,” she said dismissively. “I dunno, man, I just… this is nice. You and me. Maybe I want to forget about Phineas for a while. Maybe I’m mad at him. I am mad at him. He’s too oblivious and he needs to pay the price.”

“I don’t like where this is going,” Baljeet said nervously.

“I don’t mean some big revenge,” Isabella assured him. “Just… a little punishment. I always thought he’d be my first kiss. Now? I don’t think Phineas should get my precious, sacred first kiss. I’m gonna give it to someone else.”

“Someone else?” he said, backing up as far away as he could into the hard plastic chair.

She nodded, grinning widely through her fading tears. “Baljeet… will you kiss me?”

“Seriously?”

“Come on, this is a date and it’s going really well! Maybe this whole arrangement doesn’t have to be platonic. I wanna make out with you and see where it goes from there.” She waggled her tongue at him.

“What happened to not betraying Ginger?”

“Screw Ginger. She’ll live.”

“Yeah, no,” Baljeet said flatly. “You’re drunk, which still makes absolutely no sense, but I’m not going to take advantage.”

Isabella pouted. “Mmm, you’re right, but it’s just so decent of you to refuse, it makes me want to make out with you even more.”

“Well, it’s… it’s not going to happen,” he said, flustered but trying to keep a firm tone.

She slumped in her seat, sighing sadly. “Well, that’s very chivalrous of you, Baljeet. I dig that. I think I’d like to make out with you when I’ve sobered up.”

“Noooo, you wouldn’t,” he said dryly. “That is not how chivalry works.”

“Meh, you’re probably right, but I’m gonna write it down just in case.” She whipped out a handheld notebook and pencil, speaking her words aloud as she wrote. “‘Baljeet is chivalrous’,” she enunciated. “‘Consider making out with him.’ There. I’ll keep that in my pocket. I’ll sleep on it. And when I see it in the morning, well, then I’ll see you at school and maybe you’ll get lucky.”

“Okay then,” said Baljeet. “I… I can’t stop you from thinking about it. But you’re really thinking of giving up on Phineas?”

“Maybe,” she said roughly. “I don’t know. As we’ve established, I’m intoxicated on this terrible pizza.” She took another pointed bite of it. “Are you having a good time with me, Baljeet?”

He nodded. “This is a good date. It’s nice to see you having a good time, all things considered.”

She shifted back and forth, pondering that. “Would we be kissing by now if it was a real date?”

“I would hope so,” he admitted. “If it was a real date and you were of sound mind, that is.”

“Yeah, that would probably be… for the best,” she mumbled. “I don’t know if I’d be wanting it so bad if I was sober, but… we’d get there. We’d be good together, you and me.”

“I agree.”

Isabella suddenly jerked backward. “Ow.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Ugh, my stomach’s been hurting real bad. It’s like it’s twisting up.”

“Oh dear. See, I told you this food was sus. I don’t abbreviate words lightly.”

Her eyes suddenly widened. “Hang on. I’m having a realization. Let me think.” She concentrated hard on the pain, then sighed in defeat. “I was afraid of that. Ohhhhh no…”

“Oh no? What oh no?”

Isabella grimaced. “It’s not my stomach, it’s my uterus.”

“Oh,” he said bitterly. “I get it. I’m so sexually unappealing even in principle that your uterus is rebelling against you. Ha ha.”

“Not everything’s about you, Jeet!” she snapped. “I’m having my period right now.”

“Oh. Oh!” His eyes went wide as well. “Er… has this happened before?”

“Nope. First time. Yay me, am I right?”

“So… what do we do?” he said anxiously.

“What do we…?” she repeated blankly. “Okay, hang on, I know this. I’ve prepared for this. Because I’m a Fireside Girl and I’m prepared for everything. It’s just… hard to concentrate because it hurts. Hrrgh…” She screwed up her face, focusing hard, then spoke calmly. “Okay. Okay, here’s what we gotta do. There’s a drugstore in this very shopping center. Let’s run over there and get me something for the pain and, of course, pads. If we’re quick, we might be able to save this outfit before it gets any blood on it.”

“Okay,” he said softly.

She grabbed his hand. “It’s a quest, Baljeet. Fitting for a chivalric… guy. Are you with me?”

“I am.”

“Like any quest, it might fail. I might start bleeding before we get there. Accept the possibility of failure.”

“We’ll do our best.”

“Also, it’ll be a little bit pointless. I’m going to get blood on my clothes eventually. Probably as soon as this evening. But we can save them for the time being and then continue with our date.”

“Let’s do it,” Baljeet said firmly.

“Okay,” said Isabella, clapping her hands together. “Grab my bear and keep up.”

“I’m on it.”

She stood up and started walking out of the restaurant. “Ow. Ow. Ow. Ugh, twisty insides… okay, I’m moving.”

“I’m with you,” he said, following along behind her with the giant bear loaded on his back.

“All right, let’s go.”

They bobbed across the parking lot to the drugstore, both at a slow pace, and made their way through the doors and to the feminine hygiene aisle. Baljeet set the bear down as he helped her look.

“Okay, I need pads,” Isabella said. “Small pads for young girls. They should be around here somewhere.”

“Here!” said Baljeet, presenting a box to her.

She scanned the label. “Nailed it! Good job.”

“Here…” He ripped open the box.

“Eek! What are you doing?”

He offered her a pad. “Here. You take this to the bathroom, and I will purchase the box. In fact, here, take two, just in case.”

She took the two pads from him, smirking through the pain. “Chivalrous and efficient. I’m so into that. I’m gonna write that down too. Get, um… get some of these pills, too. I’ll see you in a bit.” She gestured vaguely and ran to the store’s bathroom.

“Pills,” he repeated. “That was a very vague gesture, but okay. They must be… yes, they’re right here. ‘For pain, cramps, and bloating…’ Yes, that must be it.”

He took the pills and the open pad box, along with the huge and heavy bear, to the cash register. The cashier turned and spoke in a distinctive, gravelly voice.

“Find everything okay?” he said automatically. “Oh, hey, Baljeet.”

“Oh, Dr. Doofenshmirtz,” Baljeet exclaimed. “Didn’t expect to see you here. Hm… I believe I may have lost a bet just now.”

“What bet?”

“After our adventure on Feebla-Oot, I found that most of my friends were under the impression you were a pharmacist. I was sure you must be a scientist of some sort, but I see they were right all along.”

“I’m not a pharmacist!” Doofenshmirtz said hurriedly. “I’m the pharmacist’s assistant. Which, as you can see, means that sometimes I’m just a cashier. I am some sort of scientist, though. I have a degree. I tinker.”

“Yeah, that still sounds like I owe Buford money.”

“Can’t really help you there.” Doofenshmirtz scanned the two items Baljeet had placed on the counter. “Hmm. You know, it’s not my business, but…”

“I was out and about with Isabella… you know, platonically… wholesomely… when she had a sudden emergency, the nature of which is, I assume, perfectly apparent.” He paid cash.

“Ah, a stressful time,” Doofenshmirtz said earnestly. “I remember panicking so hard the first time my daughter Vanessa needed these while in my care. Way to handle it like a pro for your little friend there.” He passed Baljeet’s change to him.

“Thank you, sir. I did my best. On the inside, I am screaming.” He took the bag and glanced inside it. “Not because I have to handle these common items, of course, just… hoping she is okay.”

Isabella walked over, looking fatigued. “Hey.”

“Isabella!” Baljeet cried. “Is everything all right? Did you save your outfit?”

“Outfit’s fine, Baljeet,” she muttered. “I don’t seem to have started bleeding yet. I assume I’ll know when it begins. But my outfit’s safe for the next… however many hours. Oh, hey, Dr. Doofenshmirtz.”

“Isabella,” he greeted her. “Doing all right?”

“Pretty good,” she said. “Pretty sure I’ll be the first girl in my troop to get the First Period patch, which is nice and befitting of my position as the leader. Someone the girls can look to as they grow up. Still cramping up, though, it’s not great. Did you get the pills?”

“Yes, right here,” said Baljeet, offering her the pill bottle.

“My knight in shining armor,” she said admiringly. “Let’s buy me a drink somewhere so I can take these, and then… then I think I just want to go home, actually. I know I said we could keep going, but I’m not up for it.”

“Okay,” he said. “I’ll walk you home.”

“Thanks. I’ll take the bag, you keep carrying the bear.”

“Right away.”

“Nice to see you again, Dr. D.”

They headed out, crossing the parking lot once again.

“See, Baljeet,” said Isabella, “I told you he was a pharmacist.”

“There’s more to it than that, but for all intents and purposes, yeah, I’ve resigned myself to owing Buford some money for that. This date has kind of wiped me out, wallet-wise.”

She leaned against him. “And I appreciate you. We had a good time and you admirably stepped up.” She patted her pocket. “I’ve got my note to myself on hand, so, keep an eye out for me tomorrow.”

“I expect nothing.”

“And that’s what makes this so tempting! But we’ll see.”

Chapter Text

Candace paced the living room while Phineas and Ferb prepared the camera equipment. Yuri Lowenthal and Elijah Wood were on the couch, while Vanessa and Stacy sat in chairs off the the side, and Jeremy stood, hovering near Candace.

“All right, y’all,” Candace muttered. “Get ready. We’re filming in the living room today. As soon as she’s back from wardrobe… by which I mean changing her clothes in the downstairs bathroom… we are go.”

Sarah Michelle Gellar emerged into the living room, dressed in a classic Buffy Summers costume from her younger days.

Candace immediately began giggling uncontrollably. “Hehehehehe, I can’t believe I really get to work with Sarah Michelle Gellar.”

“Happy to be here,” she said. “I don’t normally do local homecoming princess campaign videos, but…”

“None of us do,” Wood supplied. “But when it’s a Phineas and Ferb project…”

“You jump right in,” Gellar agreed.

“Okay, first of all, it’s not a Phineas and Ferb project,” Candace said firmly. “They’re helping, but it’s my homecoming campaign. I’m the director here. Are you on my team?”

Gellar hesitated. “Well, you know, I don’t go to your school, I don’t really have a personal stake in this—”

“Good enough for me,” said Candace. “Speaking of stakes, grab your prop.” She indicated the coffee table.

“Ah, I thought something was missing.” Gellar took up the sharp wooden stake that was resting on the table. “Just like old times. So, what are we shooting first? Danville is a place where musical numbers happen, right? ’Cause it’s in my contract that I don’t have to do musical episodes.”

“You don’t?” Candace said in surprise. “No musical episodes anymore? Ever? But ‘Once More, with Feeling’ is a classic.”

“Thank you,” said Gellar. “I agree. I worked my ass off to make it that way. I’m not a singer so I had to go through some pretty intensive training to actually sound good enough to carry the episode and all its revelations, and… I don’t wanna have to do that again. Don’t feel like it. Who’d want to see another musical episode starring me anyway? There’s already been one and it’s a tough act to follow.”

“Well, don’t worry, we didn’t prepare any songs for this campaign,” said Candace. “It’s… a bit much. We’re starting with promo four. Did you look over the material?”

She nodded.

“Jeremy, we’re up.”

Jeremy joined Candace at the edge of the living room.

“All right. Camera! And go.”

Phineas set the camera to very slowly approach Candace and Jeremy. Gellar stepped into the frame, into their foreground.

“This is Sarah Michelle Gellar saying vote for Jeremy Johnson and Candace Flynn for your Danville High homecoming prince and princess. Because they’re couple goals.”

On that cue, Jeremy and Candace kissed passionately, and Gellar brandished her stake.

“Get the point?”

“See, despite what Candace says,” Stacy said quietly to Vanessa, “that’s how we know this is a Phineas and Ferb project. No respected actor would say anything that silly for anyone else.”

“And cut,” said Phineas. Gellar broke her action pose, but Candace and Jeremy didn’t stop kissing. “Um, Candace?”

Candace broke away from him with a loud pop. “Sorry, Phineas. Haven’t made out with Jeremy in a bit, I haven’t… my gosh. Jeremy. How have you been, dude? I feel like you haven’t been around in a little while.”

“I’ve been doing okay,” Jeremy said pleasantly. “How are you?”

“I’ve been great! Throwing dinner parties, and… making campaign ads.” She leaned on him and nuzzled her face against his. “He’s my boyfriend,” she told Gellar.

“I picked up on that,” Gellar said dryly.

“We’re gonna make love at homecoming.”

“Ah… huh,” Gellar said uneasily. “And how old are you again?”

“Fifteen,” said Candace. “What? We haven’t told a lot of the adults in our lives about this, but I figured I could tell Sarah Michelle Gellar. Buffy, of course, lost her virginity on her seventeenth birthday. Although, I guess I shouldn’t assume you endorse that sort of thing just because it happened on the show…”

“Well, yeah, I didn’t write that,” said Gellar. “I just, you know, it said so in the script…”

“’Course,” Candace said meekly.

“And that didn’t really turn out so well for her.”

“No, it didn’t,” Candace admitted. “My mom reminded me of that not too long ago.”

“Well, listen,” Gellar said comfortingly. “Like a lot of adults presented with the question of whether teenagers should have sex, I look back on my own youth and I think, ‘enh… probably not?’ But I don’t pass judgment. I’m not here to tell you if what you’re doing is right or wrong. I just know that studies show that if the only thing you teach teens about sex is ‘to not to’, then all you get is a hotbed of teen pregnancies, STDs, and abusive relationships, because nobody knows any better. So, you know… do you at least know what you’re doing? Have you made preparations? Have you taken sex-ed classes?”

“Yes, yes we have,” Candace said hurriedly. “We’re going to be very safe. Right, Jeremy?”

“Uh…”

“Don’t worry, I bought condoms and lube. They’re in my car.”

“Oh,” Jeremy said in relief. “Then, yes, yes we are prepared.”

“Heh, apparently I forgot to tell him,” Candace told Gellar weakly.

“If it didn’t come up, I was planning to run to the store myself and take care of that.”

Candace squeezed Jeremy’s butt. “Way ahead of you, babe. Everybody take five!”

Gellar sat down on a dining chair that had been set aside for her and began checking her phone. Vanessa slid over to her on the rolling desk chair on which she was sitting, her new nose piercing glinting as it passed under the overhead lights, and spun around a few times before Stacy walked up and held her in place, stopping the spin. Gellar took a few moments to notice that the two girls were beaming at her. “Um… hi there.”

“Hi!” Stacy said brightly. “I’m Stacy. I’m Candace’s best friend. Not running for homecoming princess, ’cause this is her year.” She indicated Vanessa. “My girlfriend Vanessa. We’re your sapphic fanbase.”

“Well, not your entire sapphic fanbase,” Vanessa mused. “I assume. I’m sure lots of gay chicks like Buffy.”

“Oh, hell yeah,” Gellar agreed. “Tons.” She looked them over. “So, are you… helping to make the campaign videos, or what?”

“No, no,” said Vanessa. “We’re here to gawk.”

“Phineas and Ferb bring the special guest stars, Candace puts you guys to work, we gawk,” Stacy explained.

Vanessa leaned closer. “So, you must have met lots of hunky celebrities in your time. Who was the hunkiest?”

“We’re both bi, BT-dubs,” Stacy added. “In case it was confusing that we came up to you all sapphic and want to talk about boys now.”

“No, yeah, I figured,” said Gellar. “I appreciate the question, but the only hunky celebrity in my life is Freddie.”

“Freddie,” Vanessa repeated, trying to sound like she understood the significance.

“My husband, Freddie. Freddie Prinze Jr.? We met during the production of I Know What You Did Last Summer and have had a stable relationship ever since.”

“Hmm. Doesn’t ring a bell.”

“We starred in the Scooby-Doo films together. The live-action ones. He was Fred, I was Daphne. No? Nothing? Come on. Freddie Prinze Jr.!”

They shrugged.

“Well, I guess he’s not as famous as he used to be,” she muttered. “Neither am I, to be fair.”

“Okay, so you love your husband, that’s… great,” said Vanessa. “But it’s not very exciting. If Freddie were to give you a hall pass…”

“I would never ask him for a hall pass.”

“Hypothetically, if you were allowed to sleep with some other celebrity…”

“Hypothetically, I’m rather attached to my husband and I don’t like this game.”

“Okay, Sarah Michelle Dullsville,” Vanessa said bitterly. “No fun at all. I’m gonna talk to Yuri.” She rolled over to the couch to get close to him. “Hi, Mr. Lowenthal!”

“Please don’t,” he said dryly.

“Please don’t what?” she said innocently.

“I know what you’re going to say. Yes, I work in anime. And yes, my first name, which is Russian, is also the Japanese word for stories about lesbians. The connection’s been made for me before, thanks.”

“I wasn’t gonna say that,” Vanessa said unconvincingly. “Stacy, were you gonna say that?”

“No. Heavens, no.”

“Uh-huh,” said Lowenthal. “I’m so sure.”

“Right,” said Vanessa. “I guess you also have nothing to say to me. So I guess I have to talk to Elijah Wood now.” She looked him over. “So, you’re… short.”

“Little bit, yeah,” he said gravely.

Chapter Text

“Baljeet!”

In the middle school courtyard the next morning, Isabella approached him.

“Hey,” he said, eyes wide in concern. “How did everything go last night?”

“Good,” she muttered. “I, um… I started bleeding around sundown. I know it’s not weird, because it happens to every girl, but… it’s weird. It’s virtually unheard of in the rest of the animal kingdom, and boys don’t have anything comparable, and… it’s unfair. And weird. And it’s still going. It just… keeps on going.”

“Uh-huh,” he said uneasily.

“Anyway, before that, I told my mom and she took me to the mall. She got me more pads, enough to last me the rest of this cycle, and… also tampons, which… ugh. I’m not ready to learn how to apply those. Maybe next month. And…” She pulled the neckline of her dress aside to reveal a bra strap on her shoulder. “Training bras, because my mom noticed I was ready for those. I hadn’t really noticed, myself. Go figure. Heh, ‘figure’. Um… yeah. I don’t really know what they’re supposed to ‘train’ me for. It’s quite comfortable, while I’m given to understand a real bra… isn’t. But, whatever, I got a big pack of them in various colors, it’s a nice fabric, it’s… it’s nice. And symbolic of my budding womanhood, which is like… whatever. At least it’s comfy.”

“You didn’t notice you’ve been… developing?” he said, eyes darting to her chest involuntarily before firmly focusing back on her face. “I’ve been noticing that about you for weeks.”

“Of course you have.”

“Also that you’ve been getting taller. You and I have always been the same height, but recently you’ve gotten quite a bit taller than me.”

“Well, yeah, I noticed that,” she said, looking down at him thoughtfully. “According to the Revampunow, I’m going to be a very tall woman. Is… is that desirable? Do guys like women who are tall?”

“Well… let me put it this way: guys in the fifth and sixth grade like taller girls. Because that’s the one time in the human lifespan where girls are usually taller than boys, so, that’s what’s available.”

She nodded slowly. “So I guess if I’m going to attract a partner, now would be the time.”

“Um… by a certain logic, I guess.”

“Well, anyway…” She pulled a small slip of paper out of her dress pocket and displayed it to him: Baljeet is chivalrous (and efficient). Consider making out with him. “I got my note to myself. I’ve considered it.”

“And?” he said, a slightly hopeful note involuntarily creeping into his voice.

She smiled apologetically. “I… I don’t think I want to make out with you, Baljeet.”

“I’m not at all surprised, my friend.”

“It’s not you,” she said hastily. “Not at all. I’m just not ready for making out. It’s a bit much, in principle.”

“I can understand that.”

“However…” She pointed to her face. “My first kiss is still up for grabs if you want it.”

“Really?” he exclaimed. “Come on, what about Phineas?”

She sighed. “I stand by some of what I said while hopped up on… whatever ridiculously artificial chemical preservatives they use in that pizza. I’m frustrated with Phineas and I want to take a little bit of control back by giving my first kiss to somebody else. Just a kiss, no strings attached. If you want it.”

He quickly shook his head. “I can’t. I can’t take it away from Phineas.”

“I’m not giving my first kiss to Phineas, Baljeet,” she said firmly. “You’re my first choice, but if you don’t want it, it’s not going to Phineas, I’m just going to find someone else.”

“It’s… very tempting, Isabella, but I just can’t do it. It would feel wrong. I support what you’re doing, but I can’t take part in it.”

“Okay,” she said quietly. “I understand. You’re a good guy, really you are. How about we put an end to this with the traditional reward for chivalry—a little peck on the cheek.”

He smiled genuinely, trembling slightly. “I can’t possibly reject that.”

“Okay.” She leaned in, slowly and intimately, and pressed her lips against his cheek. Reflexively, he kissed hers in return as she withdrew, and when they were once again standing face to face, her hand was tenderly feeling the warm spot on her own cheek.

“You’ve done good, Baljeet,” she said. “You showed me a good time and helped me out of a little mishap. I want to help you in return. I want to make a project out of you.”

“What kind of project?” he said nervously.

“Getting you together with the girl of your dreams,” she said eagerly. “I can help you.”

“I could use the help,” he admitted.

“Then I will. I’ll make sure you have a girlfriend soon. Whether it’s Wendy, or Ginger… or me…”

He blinked. “You?”

She looked away shyly and kicked the ground. “I can’t help it, Baljeet. I know it was supposed to be platonic, but you were a perfect gentleman on our date and I’ve caught feelings for you. Feelings I think I’d like to cultivate, if you’ll have me. Take this project in whatever direction you want, you should just… know that I’m an option.”

“I don’t know about that ‘perfect gentleman’ thing,” Baljeet muttered. “At one point you accused me of making everything about myself.”

“Okay, so maybe you weren’t a perfect gentleman. Whatever, nobody’s perfect. Alternatively, maybe I lashed out and said something I didn’t mean because I was in intense abdominal pain. It’s a known phenomenon.”

“I suppose it is.”

“So, you’ve got options,” she said brightly. “What do you want to do?”

“I have options,” he repeated. “Wow. How often does a guy like me have three options?”

“I know, right?”

“You… you really want to be with me?”

She ran her hand up and down his arm. “I’d like to know I have that chance. It might be healthier for me than all this pining after Phineas. It’s worth a shot, right? That first kiss could still be yours, and everything else I have to offer.”

He hesitated. “Now… if I choose you… I’m sure that soberly your thought on the matter isn’t ‘screw Ginger’.”

She hung her head. “If you choose me, I’ll talk to Ginger about it before we do anything. That way… even if I’m the bitch who stole the guy she likes… at least I’ll have communicated it openly instead of waiting for her to inevitably walk in on something she wasn’t supposed to see.”

“Well… okay… I’ve got to think about this.” He tapped his foot and stared off into space with a scrunched-up expression, before speaking delicately. “Can I… date all three of you?”

“No,” she said immediately. “Speaking purely for myself, no. I can’t do the poly thing. If I’m gonna be with someone, I need it to be one-on-one. As to the question of if you can date both Ginger and Wendy, well, we’d have to ask them. And I do mean ask them. If you’re dating both of them and they don’t both know and approve, it’s not polyamory, it’s just cheating.”

“I am familiar with the concept,” he assured her. “Dating both Wendy and Ginger… would be nice… but it’s probably just dreaming on my part, right? Not really gonna happen?”

“Probably,” Isabella said jovially. “You never know. But probably.”

Baljeet was silent for a moment. “So, listen… I am flattered beyond belief that you would catch feelings for me. Because you’re a wonderful person, and heaven knows I’ve caught feelings for you a time or two, but it’s not something I’ve ever seriously pursued, because… whether he knows it or not… you’re Phineas’s girl. I can’t interfere with that.”

Isabella nodded slowly. “Right. You’re right, of course. I am Phineas’s girl. I should… I should do something about that already. I can’t give up just because it’s hard to actually start trying. I love Phineas. So… that’s where we’re going with this? You’re gonna have to turn me down, and I go back to pursuing Phineas?”

“If you can.”

“I can. So… Ginger? Or Wendy?”

He thought about it again, but only for an instant this time. “I have to be honest with myself here. The last thing I want to do is hurt Ginger, but… I simply don’t have feelings for her. I’m sorry. We’re just… not close.”

“I got you,” she said gently. “You like Wendy and you can’t help that.”

“I guess so.”

She put her hands on his shoulders. “Then I will do everything in my power to hook you up with Wendy. Let’s meet up sometime and set up a game plan.”

He smiled meekly. “You really want to take the time to do that for me?”

“I do. Don’t worry, chum, I won’t neglect taking care of myself. I’m going to be proactive in my pursuit of Phineas. Maybe I’ll rally the Fireside Girls to help me with my game plan.” She paused and pondered for a moment. “And I think I’ll try Gretchen for that first kiss.”

“Really?” he said, suddenly extremely interested.

She giggled at his reaction. “Heck yeah. Gretchen’s been my loyal sidekick for ages. We’re very close. And she’s adorable! I wouldn’t kick her out of…” She trailed off.

“Bed?” Baljeet supplied.

“That’s the end of that sentence, yes,” Isabella muttered. “I was just realizing I’ve said that about a lot of girls lately.” She looked around at the various other faces in the courtyard, gauging her own reactions to the sight of different boys and girls, before turning back to Baljeet. “Just because I’ve always been hung up on Phineas, that… that doesn’t make me not bisexual, right?”

“Certainly not,” said Baljeet. “Lots of bisexual people are ultimately… monogamous. The only place it’s even suggested that they aren’t, or shouldn’t be, is in… very, very nasty stereotypes.”

“Very true, very true. So… yeah… I’m gonna go see if Gretchen’s up for that. And then… you with Wendy, me with Phineas. We can make that happen.”

“Yeah.”

Overcome with emotion, she pulled him into a hug. “Thank you for this, Baljeet. I really had a wonderful time on our date and I have such a crush on you right now. It’s nice to experience feeling that way about somebody else, even if it’s only for today. I never knew what that was like before. I promise I’ll get over you and we can have the same friendship we’ve always had—all I need to do is focus on Phineas and remember that he’s… my everything.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, gently touching her back with his hands, savoring her arms wrapped tightly around him and her hair in his face. “Heh. I’ve enjoyed these secret conversations we’ve had.  The only bad thing about them is that it probably means Phineas has to converse with Buford.”

They both shuddered comically and parted ways, grinning. “Well, let’s not linger together here, then,” said Isabella. “I’ll see you later.”

~0~0~0~

Isabella’s six fellow troop members were gathered together at a cafeteria table. Isabella suddenly stood over them. “Hey, girls!” she said boisterously. “How the hell are ya?” After receiving some cheerful overlapping greetings in return, she said, “Gretchen, can I have a word with you?”

“Sure thing, chief!” she chirped.

The two of them walked away, and stood together in the mostly-empty school hallway.

“So, I’ve been thinking,” said Isabella. “I’ve been after Phineas for a long, long time now. And I’ve decided I need to take a bit of power back into my own hands. Just a little something to get back at him for so many years of obliviousness before I commit to really telling him how I feel. Do you know what I mean?”

Gretchen shrugged. “What did you have in mind?”

“I value my first kiss,” said Isabella. “It’s precious to me. I’ve always fantasized about giving it to Phineas. But I think it would be an empowering thing if I penalized him for the delay, by giving it to someone else.” She grinned at Gretchen pointedly.

Gretchen actually turned around to see who Isabella was looking at, making a full rotation before turning back to Isabella and gaping in shock. “M-me?”

“Yeah,” said Isabella, nodding vigorously. “If you’re willing, you’re the one that I want. You’ve always been a ludicrously competent second-in-command and I… I dunno, I feel like this could be a fun thing we could do together. What do you say?”

“I… I’m for it, chief,” she stammered. “It’s a good thought, actually, to give our first kisses to each other. That way our first kiss with a boy can still be, you know… something new.”

“That’s true,” Isabella agreed. “I hadn’t thought of that. See, this is why I picked you. So insightful. You’re not just the smart one, you’re like… you get me. You get people.”

Gretchen blushed profusely, her heartbeat pounding in her ears. “You don’t have to butter me up, Isabella. I’m on board. Are we going to do it right now? Are you thinking just a quick peck, or…?”

“No, no, I want it to be a good one,” Isabella said hurriedly. “To… to sweep you off your feet. You only get one first kiss, after all. I want us to savor it. Is that okay?”

Gretchen gulped. “That sounds great.”

“Gretchen, you’re blushing,” Isabella observed. “Oh, dear, I haven’t just opened a can of worms here, have I? Do you have a crush on me?”

“Don’t be silly,” she said hastily. “I just… this is my first kiss too, you know? That’s a big deal. I’ve never even played ‘spin the bottle’. But… I’m ready. For a real kiss. Let’s do it.” She closed her eyes and leaned toward Isabella, puckering up.

“Dude, don’t pucker,” Isabella chided. “Nobody over the age of ten puckers.”

Gretchen scowled at her. “Oh, I’m sorry, does the government send out pamphlets to everyone when they turn eleven, about how to kiss? I must have missed mine.”

“Well, come on, this is known,” Isabella said weakly. “Real kissing is more… more of an interlocking lips thing, not a pucker. I, um… I don’t know how to explain it. Best I can do is show you what I’m pretty sure that looks like. I’m not claiming to know better than you.”

“Right, except you know for sure that, since we’re eleven, we don’t pucker.”

Isabella’s face fell. “I don’t wanna bicker, Gretchen. This is supposed to be a magical occasion.”

“Okay,” she said. “I’m sorry. I snark when I’m nervous. What do we do?”

“Well, let me… pull you close.”

Isabella grabbed Gretchen and pulled her into an embrace far too hastily. Gretchen’s forehead bounced off Isabella’s sternum and they both staggered backward, crying out in pain.

“Okay,” Isabella groaned. “So… I didn’t take our vast height difference into account there. That was on me. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” said Gretchen, rubbing her head. “It was… actually, your breasts absorbed most of the impact. Gosh, how long have you had those? I didn’t even notice them until I felt my forehead collide with something distinctly squishy.”

“I’m… really not sure. A few weeks, I guess? They kinda crept up on me imperceptibly. You’d think, since I’m with my body every day, that I’d notice little subtle changes to it, but, apparently not, they blindsided me yesterday afternoon, when my mom noticed them, and today’s my first day wearing a training bra.”

“Neat,” said Gretchen, looking her over. “Are you okay? That must have hurt your chest way more than it hurt my head.”

“They’re pretty tender, yeah, but I’m kinda tender all over right now, so, not a big deal, in the grand scheme of things,” Isabella said grimly. “You know, growth spurt stuff, and… as a matter of fact, I also got my first period yesterday, but…”

Gretchen’s eyes lit up. “Oh my gosh.”

“Yeah, but… not the topic at hand right now,” she said hastily. “Let’s get all the girls together sometime and I’ll tell you all about it. Later. For now, let’s… let’s do this kissing thing.”

“Right!”

“So, let me try this again,” said Isabella. “I’m gonna… hold you close… and gaze deeply into your eyes.”

She put her hands on Gretchen’s lower back and pulled her close, slowly and gently this time. Gretchen enthusiastically placed her hands on the back of Isabella’s neck, holding the intimate eye contact. “Like a little slow dance,” she said, initiating a slow swaying back and forth.

“Just like that,” said Isabella, relishing the feeling. “And then…” She leaned toward Gretchen, her lips slightly parted, but hesitated a few inches before making contact.

“Don’t overthink it, chief,” Gretchen advised. “The morning bell’s gonna ring any second. Just… plant one on me.”

“Plant one on you. Okay…”

Isabella closed the distance and kissed Gretchen, long and warm and sweet. They held that position until Gretchen let out the breath she had been holding with a feathery sigh, and they parted reluctantly.

“Isabella, I…” Gretchen muttered. “Granted, I have no frame of reference. But that was a really good first kiss. I think I’ll treasure it for the rest of my life.”

Isabella beamed at her. “Me too. It was nice. Thanks for going along with my crazy idea. I’m ready to get back to working the angles on Phineas now.”

“You’re gonna do great,” Gretchen assured her. “Once he realizes what he’s been missing out on… he’s gonna feel so stupid.”

“Well, it’s not my long-term goal to make the boy I’m in love with feel stupid, but… yeah, I kinda hope so.”

“God, that was a good kiss,” Gretchen marveled. “Good call, to make it a real one. I’ll be thinking about it for ages. I assume it’ll be a good long while before anyone else wants to kiss me.”

“Hey, come on,” said Isabella, wrapping an arm around her. “I’m sure people will be dying to kiss you before you know it.”

“Why, because in the future I’m going to have massive knockers?” Gretchen said bitterly.

“No. Well, yeah. But also because you have the sweetest, cutest face and a beautiful brain.”

Gretchen scoffed. “Nobody’s going to want to kiss me for my brain. Come on.”

“I think you have a lovely brain, Gretchen, and someday someone’s going to think you have the sexiest brain they’ve ever seen.”

The school bell rang for the first class of the day.

“There we go,” Isabella remarked. “Got a lot done this morning before school, eh? Hehe. Hey, spread the word that I want all seven of us at a sleepover at my place. Sunday night, if we can pull it off.”

“Okay. I’ll tell the girls.”

“See ya.”

Chapter Text

One Saturday morning, Candace covertly came down the stairs and saw Jeremy near the front door, wearing a many-pocketed vest and a shady hat.

“Ah, Jeremy,” she said, walking up to him with an odd, sultry slink in her step. “You’re here! I thought I heard your voice.”

“Yup,” he said. “Your dad’s just getting ready, and then we’re going fishing.”

She hugged him. “That’s so cool that you two set aside some time for bonding. You’re gonna get along great. And someday, you’re going to be a stellar son-in-law to him.”

“I certainly hope so. He’s a cool guy.”

“No he’s not,” Candace chuckled. “He’s a dopey dad. But I like him that way.” She looked around to make sure they were alone. “I’m glad you stopped by, because I woke up this morning overcome with the most interesting feeling… it’s a feeling I’ve had before, but it’s like… I think I’m ready to act on it. I just wanted to tell you about it before you go.”

“What is it?” he said seriously.

Candace leaned in and whispered into Jeremy’s ear, “I want your dick in my mouth.” She immediately pulled away so she could see his expression.

She wasn’t disappointed, as he looked simply shocked. “Is that a feeling?”

“It’s what I feel.”

“Are you serious?”

“Dead serious, my love.”

“I… I just… why… why… why would you tell me that just before I go off to spend a whole day fishing with your dad?”

She grinned. “I dunno. Maybe to ensure that you hurry back.”

He looked confused and desperate. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to expedite a fishing trip, babe. They’re kinda supposed to last all day.”

“Then… maybe I just want it to be on your mind the whole time you’re away,” she said flippantly. “I’m a little bit naughty like that.”

“This is… new.”

“I just couldn’t get it out of my mind. I’d like to follow through on it the moment you get back.”

He nodded slowly, uncertainly. “So we’re really doing this.”

“If that’s okay.”

“I… yeah. That’s very okay. Let’s do it.”

Candace squealed in glee. “I’m so glad you agree!” She threw her arms around him and started kissing him hungrily.

A moment later, Lawrence entered the room without their notice and gently patted Candace on the back, getting her to part from Jeremy’s lips. “Ready to go, lad?” he said to Jeremy.

“Yes sir, Mr. Fletcher.”

“Come on out to the car, then.” He headed out the front door, leaving it open for him.

Jeremy watched him walk away until he was out of earshot, then turned back to Candace urgently. “I don’t know if you really want to do this the very moment I get back. I’ll be all sweaty and I’ll smell like bait and fish. I would assume I probably won’t… taste very good.”

“Well… that’s a pretty good point,” Candace admitted. “I guess… get back, run home to take a shower, then we’ll do it while my dad is cooking the dinner you guys catch.”

“Okay!”

“Coming, Jeremy?” Lawrence called.

“He’s coming, Dad,” Candace called back. “Hehehehe, or he most certainly will be.”

“Oh, Candace,” Jeremy said exasperatedly.

“He lobbed it right over the plate,” Candace said dramatically, pantomiming pitching a baseball. “I had to take a swing.” She mimed swinging a bat, triumphantly knocking the imaginary ball clear out of the park.

He grinned at her. “I’ll see you.” He followed Lawrence outside, longingly gazing back at Candace as he turned to close the front door.

Candace watched out the window as the car pulled away, then raced up the stairs to her bedroom and sat at her vanity mirror. She dialed Stacy’s number and set the phone on her desk, on speaker, so she could use both hands to start digging through her makeup.

“Hey, Candace,” came Stacy’s voice through the phone.

“Stacy!” Candace said gleefully. “I wanted to tell you about this most unusual yet delightful mood that I’m in.”

“Sounds like a good mood.”

“It most certainly is.”

“Don’t leave me hanging.”

“I had a certain urge. A craving. I’ve told Jeremy that once he’s back from his fishing trip with my dad… I’d like to give him a blowjob. So we’re gonna do that.”

Stacy was silent for a moment. “Is that a mood?”

“It’s the mood I’m in.”

“Are you really gonna go through with that?”

“Of course I am. I said I would.”

“Well, withdrawal of consent is a thing, Candace.”

“While I appreciate the reminder of that, barring any extremely shameful chickening out on my part, yes, I will be going through with it.”

“Okay,” Stacy said slowly, processing the information. “Okay, this is a big milestone for you guys.”

“It sure is! And that’s why I need to formulate a new look while he’s gone.”

“Aw, you always do such nice things with your hair when you’re trying to juice up Jeremy,” Stacy said affectionately.

“Yeah!” Candace said eagerly. “I try to make a statement with my hair. Usually the statement is something like, ‘hey, I’m a cute redhead, please love me’. Today I need something more along the lines of ‘brace yourself, I’m about to suck you off’.”

“Do you know how to suck a guy off, Candace?”

“I’m sure it’s intuitive enough that I can figure it out,” Candace said wryly. “Did you know how to lick pussy the first time you invited Vanessa in for ‘tea’?”

“Not really,” Stacy admitted. “I’ve pretty much been making it up as I go.”

“Well, there you go. I’ve watched videos. You know… videos I had to lie about my age in order to see. And I’ve been told that’s inadvisable, you know, all the usual disclaimers, like how they’re playing to the camera and most of those positions aren’t really all that comfortable… basically how it’s not an accurate representation of sex… but I can’t imagine that really applies to the blowjob scenes. From the look of it, it’s about lip and tongue stimulation more than any actual ‘sucking’, which makes sense to me. At least I’m not one of those girls you hear about in stories who assumes it involves actual blowing, you know? Heh. Gosh, this is really happening. I’m so spontaneous.”

“Yeah, you are!” Stacy said cheerily.

“It occurs to me, of course, that I’ve never actually seen Jeremy’s penis,” Candace said thoughtfully. “I’ve only felt it pressed against me through a few layers of clothing. Without using my hands, there’s not a lot of data I can draw from that. Except, you know… that I love it and I want it in me. I know that for sure. But I hope it looks nice. Like the kind of thing I would want to put in my mouth.”

“Oh, what could possibly be wrong with it?”

“Any number of things, yo. It might be shaped weird. Or warty—ugh, God forbid. Or, heck, it might just be ridiculously small. Can you imagine? I mean, he’s so perfect in every way I’ve seen so far that you just know there has to be a catch.”

“You worry too much, Candace. About all the wrong things.”

“I know. I know I do.”

“I’m sure Jeremy would have told you if there was something weird about his dick.”

“Would he, though? Is that an appropriate topic of conversation at any moment before the moment you finally whip it out?”

“Well… I guess you’ll just have to find out.”

“I guess I will. So… yeah. While he’s gone, gotta make myself presentable. Epically presentable. Gonna shower, do something with my hair, and find something crazy to do with my makeup and perfume, something new and sexy. And while I’m working on that… I’m gonna have to touch myself… a lot. You know, to get all my ya-yas out so the event can be all about pleasuring Jeremy, no distractions.”

“Wow, that’s a good thought,” Stacy realized. “Kind of clever, actually. If I was in your position, I don’t think I’d have thought of that. Do you think it’ll work?”

“That’s a good question, honestly,” Candace chuckled. “I’m really horny. Lots of ya-yas to get out. I don’t know how many times it’ll take… but I’ve got all day. I’ll make it happen. Either way, my goal once he gets back is to selflessly please him, and that’ll be what I do, whether I’m still horny or not.”

“Well, don’t let me keep you from your preparations,” said Stacy. “Send me a picture of the look you devise… you know, before he gets back and the flurry of activity messes it up.”

Candace giggled eagerly.

“And tell me how it all works out. Good luck.”

“Thanks, Stacy,” said Candace. “Love you. Talk to you later.” She hit the button to end the call and addressed her reflection. “Game-face time, baby. Let’s get ready…”

Chapter Text

“…And that’s how I caught Big Mouth Ramon!”

“That’s an epic story, Mr. Fletcher,” Jeremy said approvingly.

“Greatest fishing story of my life,” Lawrence said wistfully. “I don’t know how I’ll ever top it.”

He jiggled his line a little, facing away from Jeremy in the back of the little boat they had cast out into the lake.

“In all seriousness, Jeremy,” he went on, “how are things with you and Candace?”

He gulped, a little nervous to be with Candace’s dad after what she had promised him. “Things are going great,” he said. “We’re not just playing around anymore, you know? We’re in love. We have… big plans.”

“Good to hear.”

Jeremy shifted awkwardly; it was difficult to talk while facing away from each other. “And how are things with you and Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher?”

“Ah, thank you for asking,” Lawrence said delightedly. “We are doing well. We might seem like old fuddy-duddies sometimes, Linda and I… but we match each other’s freak. That’s very important.”

“No doubt,” said Jeremy. “What was it like, coming together and making a new family? Did little Candace take it well?”

“Little Candace was… wary,” Lawrence said delicately. “Which is understandable after all she’d been through.”

Jeremy didn’t know what that meant, and found that a striking realization. “You guys never really talk about what it was like… before.”

“No,” Lawrence agreed. “The story we prefer to tell kind of starts when we were two very broken families. But then we were blessed enough to come together to make a full one. A very happy one.”

“Broken how?” Jeremy said quietly.

“Ferb’s birth mother was… a vision. A queen. Like a woodland elf from a Tolkien book. I’ll never understand why she chose to… die on us.”

“Die on you?” Jeremy repeated. “Chose? You mean…?”

He could almost hear the deeply haunted look on Lawrence’s face. “When Ferb was two, his mother took her own life. She didn’t tell anybody why. There was no note. No closure. I didn’t see it coming, even a little. For the rest of my life, I’ll always wonder what I did wrong.”

“My God. Mr. Fletcher…”

Lawrence shuddered, then sighed. “I had to run away. To take my antique-dealing business somewhere else, somewhere I didn’t see her everywhere I looked. And so I ran off to the States. In time, that’s where I met Linda, and… she made everything better. It was never the same, of course. Ferb was never the same.”

“No, of course not.”

“Ferb was actually shockingly talkative for a two-year-old, believe it or not. Precocious and eloquent. After his mother died, he went completely non-verbal, didn’t speak for years. Gaining a brother who was obsessed with his well-being finally coaxed some words out of him, but as we all know, he never has much to say. I wouldn’t exchange the laid-back and taciturn Ferb we know and love today for anything, but… it’s another thing I’ll always wonder, I suppose. To be perfectly fair, he still has an English accent after living well over half his life in America and he designs and builds impossible contraptions. Nothing about the boy really screams ‘neurotypical’. So maybe he would have turned out quiet and sensitive regardless.”

“Maybe so,” Jeremy said softly.

“As for the story of the biological father of Candace and Phineas, well, I wasn’t there. Phineas doesn’t remember anything, and Candace and Linda, they generally don’t talk about it. On occasion you might catch Candace ranting angrily about something she remembers. Calls the fellow her ‘sperm donor’, which the rest of us find… unusually creepy… but she refuses to dignify him by calling him anything else. Fortunately, he virtually never comes up, so, the cringing at that term is kept to a minimum.”

“I’m sure she just wants to make it clear that when she talks about her ‘dad’, she means you.”

“Quite right. She spelled that out to me once when she was very small. To clear up the ambiguity. It was very sweet of her.”

“So what was the problem?” Jeremy asked. “With… him?”

“In her Lindana days… a one-hit wonder thrust into the world of business at far too young an age… Linda found herself in a relationship that wasn’t entirely on the up and up. It happens to the best of people, sometimes. Someone convinces you there’s only one person you can trust, and soon you’re cut off from… everyone else.”

“Oh my God,” said Jeremy, realizing what this meant.

“Like I said, Linda speaks of it very little, but your mum might be able to tell you more. She was… always there for Linda. Trying her best to be supportive… to offer an escape if only Linda was willing. Once Linda was free of the whole thing, the first thing she did was go to your mum and express how grateful she truly was for the offer, even if she never took her up on it.”

“What happened to him?”

“Evidently it was his smoking habit that caught up to him. A painful death by throat and lung cancer. Candace once told me that when she learned he was dead, she felt nothing. Even as a little girl, she held no illusions that she was loved. Phineas is grateful he has no memory of any of this.”

“Wow,” Jeremy breathed.

Lawrence turned and placed a gentle hand on Jeremy’s shoulder. “It’s all behind us now, my boy. We’re not here to soak in the Flynn-Fletcher family’s dark and troubled past.”

“Thank you for telling me everything, Mr. Fletcher. I know it can’t have been easy.”

“Well, it’s best that you know by now. I feel you’re practically part of the family yourself.”

Jeremy beamed at him over his shoulder.

“We’ve had some sad times, but… everything is better now. What we’re here to do today is relax and catch some fish. We’ll bring them back and cook them for dinner for our beautiful ladies.”

“Yeah,” said Jeremy, adjusting his pole. “I hope I catch a nice one Candace can be really proud of.” He hesitated. “Actually, Mr. Fletcher, would you terribly mind… doing all the cooking? Candace said she had, um, some sort of surprise for me when we get back, so I’d like to… stay in her room with her and enjoy that.” He tensed up, hoping for no follow-up questions.

“Right-o, my boy,” said Lawrence. “I can do that. I’ll take care of the whole thing, and you two have fun.”

Jeremy sighed with relief.

Chapter Text

“We’re home, everyone!” Lawrence called, coming through the door with an icebox full of fish. He headed to the kitchen, and Jeremy lurked by the front door, looking around the house nervously.

Candace slowly and dramatically came down the stairs. She was wearing a slinky black dress, her hair was piled up, her lips were glistening, and her face was dominated by sparkly orange eyeshadow.

“Candace,” he breathed. “Um… don’t come any closer. I really do need that shower.”

She obeyed, lingering a few yards away.

“Are we proceeding as planned?”

She nodded, grinning.

“Okay. I’ll be right back.”

“If you can…” she said, quietly so her voice didn’t carry, requiring him to lean in and listen intently. “Try not to gratify yourself while you’re in the shower. I want to take care of that all on my own.”

“Okay. I’ll try.”

“I love you.”

“It’s gonna be a nice, thorough shower,” he said. “But I’ll try to make it a quick one. I’ll be back. And you… you look stunning. That eyeshadow is fire.”

“Thank you, honey,” Candace said sweetly. “Hurry back?”

“I will.” He left.

~0~0~0~

“Aaahh!” Jeremy moaned. “Ohhh… mmmm.”

He was flat on his back on Candace’s bed, his hair still damp from his shower, breathing heavily.

“Candace, that was incredible,” he marveled. He heard a thump, and lifted his head, finding Candace wasn’t on the bed. “Candace, where’d you go?”

Her hand popped up at the foot of the bed, holding up a single finger to tell him to wait. A moment later, she crawled back up onto the bed, looking him in the eye but taking frequent moments to savor the fact he was naked from the waist down.

“Sorry,” she said. “Fell off the bed while I was trying to swallow. Wasn’t sure I could swallow the whole thing, but I did.”

“Oh, nicely done.”

“Thanks, babe. Mm, that felt like a lot. Was it a lot? Was there a bit of… excess built up in there that you had to let go?”

“That’s very possible,” he said cheerfully. “I’ve had this on my mind all day long, and… obviously no one’s ever done that to me before, so… that may have been a really big load, yeah.”

She grinned at him lasciviously. “Mmmm. Well, I’m satisfied. How are you?”

“I am extremely satisfied.”

He leaned toward her, but she stopped him with a hand. “You probably don’t want to kiss me until I’ve washed out my mouth a little. Shall we go downstairs for some fruit punch?”

She watched as he pulled his pants back on, and they made their way into the hall.

“So, how was that for you?” he asked her.

“It was a fun challenge,” she said. “I found it very rewarding.”

“Is that all?”

“All I care about is how it was for you. That’s what oral sex is all about: selflessly pleasuring your partner. I think I’ve achieved that.”

“You did,” he said. “It was amazing. I suppose I should return the favor sometime.”

“Let’s not become the kind of couple who keeps score. That’ll just lead to resentment. That being said…”

She stopped him in the middle of the staircase and leaned in close to his face, grinning.

“If you’re suggesting you should go down on me before homecoming, I wholeheartedly agree. Then we’ll be even at homecoming when we go all the way, and… from there, we’ll call it even forever.”

They came upon Lawrence in the kitchen, also freshly showered and working on frying the fish.

“Hey, Dad,” said Candace. “Just dropping in for some fruit punch.”

“Cheerio, Candace,” he said. “Fish for everyone will be ready in not too long.”

Candace got the bottle of punch from the fridge and poured two glasses. She and Jeremy went to the living room and sat down on the couch, clinking their glasses together before Candace downed hers in one long, slow swig. Jeremy looked at her in concern.

“Don’t even worry about it,” she said breezily. “So, did I do good?”

“You did great.”

They smooched deeply.

“I love you so much and I want you so bad,” said Candace, her entire body quivering. “I’m… very excited to spread my legs for you.”

“And I can’t wait to dive in… face first,” he replied.

An excited shudder ran up Candace’s spine.

“I’ll have to do something like what you did today,” he said thoughtfully. “Some kind of big, spontaneous, romantic surprise. Something to raise the tension.”

“God, I can’t believe I really just pulled this off,” said Candace. “My heart is pounding all over the place, and… and…”

“Are you wet?” he whispered.

She nodded gleefully. “More than I’ve ever been in my life, I think. It’s just so… sad.”

“Sad?”

“You’ll never really understand what you do to me,” she said, leaning on his shoulder. “You make me so wet, but you do it just by showing up. So, whenever it is that you start touching me there, you’ll never be able to… to tell… how I am normally… for comparison.”

He shrugged. “Maybe someday you’ll get used to having me around and I’ll be able to feel the difference.”

“I seriously doubt it.” She got in his lap and kissed him. “Hm, but I do so want you to touch me.”

“Now?”

She almost answered in the affirmative, feeling like begging him for it, but the sound of food sizzling in the kitchen stopped her. “No, not now. Our window of opportunity is gone tonight. But… soon… okay? Before homecoming?”

“We’ll find another opportunity, don’t worry. I’ll make it happen.”

She got off his lap and simply sat next to him, her legs resting across his.

“Were you in agony?” she asked. “Fishing all day, knowing I was here waiting for you?”

“Total agony,” he confirmed.

“I guess you’ve got to give me what’s coming to me.”

“And you’ll never see it coming,” he taunted, taking a triumphant sip of his punch. She giggled.

Chapter Text

All seven members of the Fireside Girl troop gathered in Isabella’s living room, sitting around on the rug and clad in pajamas.

“So, we have some amazing news,” said Gretchen. “Our troop leader, Isabella, is leading the way as she always does. The first member of our troop to earn… the First Period patch! We’re growing up, Fireside Girls. One by one.”

Isabella displayed her sash and pointed out the new patch. “Here it is. Oy, these puberty-related patches have some on-the-nose illustrations, don’t they? A pad and a big red droplet.” She shrugged and set her sash aside, not wearing it with her pajamas. “I’m reluctant to accept such a ‘gimme’ of a patch, but I guess it’s nice to mark the milestone of… my body doin’ that. I’ve been… you know… handling it.”

Adyson awkwardly raised her hand.

“Um… yes, Adyson?” Isabella said uncertainly.

“Yeah, hi,” said Adyson. “Um… I had my period almost four months ago. Right at the beginning of summer.”

“You did?” said Isabella. “Er… were you aware there’s a patch for that?”

“Yeah, I got the patch.”

Isabella looked around at everyone else’s faces. “Well, it seems this is news to all of us. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I thought it was a personal thing,” Adyson mumbled.

“Well, come on, that’s just silly,” said Isabella. “We’re girls. We’re Fireside Girls! We tell each other everything. Adyson beat me to it, everybody! Congratulations.”

They all cheerily gave Adyson their congratulations.

“So long as we’re on the subject,” said Isabella. “Anybody else wearing a training bra? I mean, I assume nobody’s wearing one right this minute, because… pajamas. I know I’m not. But is anyone else developing in the upstairs area? I guess that’s what I meant.” She tightened her pajama top against her chest to demonstrate.

They all looked around, but there was no response.

“Just me? Really?” said Isabella. “Adyson, nothing? Isn’t there usually supposed to be some breast development before the first period?”

“So I’ve been told, but…” Adyson spread her arms to clearly display her flat chest. “Nothing so far.”

“Okay, that’s still just me,” Isabella said thoughtfully. “Well, listen, everybody—don’t go feeling like you’re late bloomers. Most girls get most of their results at the age of twelve. Seventh grade is gonna be a big one for us as a group and I’m sure at least a few of you will blossom before then.”

The collective sounds of general agreement and optimism rang out among the group.

“As for me,” Isabella went on, “I’ve resolved to commit to winning over Phineas.”

Holly raised her hand.

“What’s with all the hand-raising?” Isabella demanded. “Everyone can speak freely.”

“Yeah,” said Holly. “Winning over Phineas—how is that different from the past five years?”

“Um… I just… I really mean it this time,” Isabella said meekly. “I’m going to be direct with him about how I feel and what I want. To his face. Eventually. Once I’ve worked up the nerve.”

Holly rolled her eyes. “I’m so sure, Isabella.” She stood up to dramatically stand over the others and address them all. “We’ve spent so many summers, day after day, watching Phineas and Ferb work so Isabella can stand behind them and look at their butts. What a great use of our time.”

“You know perfectly well I couldn’t care less about Ferb’s butt,” Isabella retorted.

“My point is, you never seem to help us with our problems.”

“Do you guys have problems?”

“Of course we have problems,” said Holly. “We’re not just your cuddly little sidekicks. We have rich internal lives.”

“Okay, Holly,” Isabella said weakly. “What’s your problem?”

“Me? Oh, I don’t have any problems,” she said earnestly. “I’m just saying.”

Isabella rolled her eyes right back. “All right. Adyson, how about you?”

“Oh… you know… nothing I need help with,” said Adyson. “Er… I’ve had a lot going on in the armpit region. They sweat a lot, and it smells really bad, and… I’ve had to start shaving them because, you know, I like the sleeveless look, and I prefer… you know.” She raised her arms and did a little dance in her sleeveless pajamas, displaying her shaved armpits. “It takes a lot of maintenance, and that’s annoying, but I’m managing.”

“You look good,” Katie supplied. “You smell good. What’s that fragrance?”

“Deodorant, Katie.”

“I meant what kind.”

“I forget. Something flowery. I dunno.”

“Okay,” said Isabella. “Who’s got problems?”

“Ooh, me!” said Ginger. She got up and stood next to Isabella. “I feel like… my feelings for Baljeet are taken even less seriously than Isabella’s for Phineas. Can we at least treat them as equally valid? Maybe help each other out with a game plan?”

“Yes,” said Isabella, her eyes sparkling with inspiration. “Yes, Ginger needs a game plan.” She stood up and put a firm hand on Ginger’s shoulder. “Just follow my lead, okay? Listen to your heart and commit to making it happen for real. Let’s do that together. Okay, girls?”

“It would be nice to see you girls with those guys instead of just mooning after them,” Gretchen admitted.

“Trust me, I’m tired of mooning,” said Isabella, holding Ginger close. “We’ll work on that. Does anyone else have a problem to discuss, a project we can tackle as a team?”

Milly raised a tentative hand. “Yeah, um… I’ve been thinking I could stand to lose some weight. What do you think?”

Katie looked her over. “Oh, I don’t think you have to do that. You’re cute.”

“I know I don’t have to,” said Milly. “But… I could, right?”

“Well…” said Adyson. “If you wanted. I suppose.”

“Okay,” Milly said tersely. “So I’m hearing that I shouldn’t expect any straight answers because no one wants to confirm or deny that I’m the chubby one, is that it?”

“Okay, Milly,” Isabella said calmly. “I hear you. I’ll be perfectly honest with you, and I can do that tactfully, because I have nothing negative to say. You—and this isn’t a tagline, this is me talking to you, Milly—you are an adorable and strong Fireside Girl just the way you are. Yes, you’re a little on the squishy side. You could lose some weight if you wanted. And we’ll back you up if you want to do that. But you are fine as you are. Don’t feel like you have to run yourself ragged to be thin.”

“No, I… I won’t work too hard,” said Milly. “I was just thinking a little more jogging, a little less partaking in the Fireside Girl cupcakes, and… some support from you gals.”

Isabella offered Milly her fist. “We can do that.” Milly bumped it with her own. “Don’t just eat less,” Isabella advised. “Try just eating… differently.”

“Yeah,” Milly agreed. “I’ll figure it out.”

“When you pull this off, I’m gonna miss your squishy hugs.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that, I’ll always be the best hugger in the troop.” She hugged Isabella tightly.

“Anyone else?” said Isabella, looking over Milly’s shoulder at the group as she patted her on the back. “Or are we good?”

No one responded, so Holly whipped out a sketchpad and pencil. “I think we’re gonna be okay,” she said. “I was hoping, tonight, we could start introducing some of the traditions that older girls partake in at sleepovers.”

Gretchen gasped. “Like ‘spin the bottle’?”

Holly gave her a sidelong glare. “Isn’t it a bit early in the evening for girls-only ‘spin the bottle’, Gretchen? I for one need to be on way more of a sugar high for that.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Gretchen, immediately snatching a cupcake from the coffee table and offering it to her. “Cupcake?”

Holly ignored her. “I was thinking more like the classic artistic endeavor of building the perfect boy from the features of various boys we know. Who’s in?”

Their voices rang out in eager agreement, and everyone sat back down and crowded around Holly and her sketchpad.

Isabella, however, backed away. “I’ll sit this one out. I’d just keep recommending Phineas’s features and you’d all get bored with me pretty quickly. I’ll make us a snack plate.”

“I’ll go with you,” said Ginger.

“All right,” said Holly. “Everybody else, gather around. Now… it was dismissed out of hand earlier, but I’d like to open by suggesting… Ferb’s butt. What do you girls think?”

Isabella and Ginger headed to the kitchen. “Sorry Adyson stole your thunder there, with the first period thing,” said Ginger.

“Don’t worry about my thunder,” said Isabella. “I don’t have to lead the way all the time. On the contrary, it’s nice knowing I’m not alone in this.”

“First of us to get yabbos, though,” said Ginger, openly leering at her. “Gotta love that.”

Isabella chuckled. “Oh, please. I don’t have ‘yabbos’. I’ve seen some eighth-grade girls with yabbos. What I have? These are boobies. They haven’t even graduated to being real ‘boobs’ yet.”

“Well, I like them,” Ginger chirped. “Do you think those boobies will help you attract Phineas?”

She shook her head. “Phineas doesn’t notice that sort of thing at the moment. But in the future, I hope so. I have a lot riding on the hope that one day he’ll get a surge of hormones and go, ‘Wait a minute… when did she get those? I like those.’”

“You’re lucky, in a way,” Ginger sighed. “Phineas might not notice you, but at least he doesn’t notice other girls either. I know Baljeet notices girls. That’s my whole problem. How’s he ever going to notice me when there are so many girls out there?”

Isabella nodded slowly. “I should warn you, he has a game plan too.”

“A Wendy Stinglehopper game plan?” Ginger guessed.

“Yeah,” Isabella said regretfully. “But I’m gonna help you with your game plan. I’m rooting for you, just… keep in mind, Wendy is…”

“Wendy will be steep competition,” Ginger agreed. “But with you on my side, I know I can pull it off.”

Isabella winced involuntarily.

“You’re on my side, right?” Ginger said in concern.

Isabella sighed. “Objectively, I think you and Baljeet is a better idea than Wendy and Baljeet. Just because they have a lot in common doesn’t mean they’ll have any chemistry. But Baljeet is my friend too and I can’t go all scorched-earth on him if he ends up happy with Wendy. If he asks me for help…” She winced again at the lie by omission. “I can’t do this. Oylé, this is gonna get tangled. I don’t…”

“It’s fine,” Ginger said knowingly. “It’s fine. I can beat Wendy. Even if Baljeet likes her more, and has more in common with her. And even if certain people are playing both sides.”

“I’m not playing both sides,” Isabella said desperately. “I’m…”

“You’re Team Baljeet,” Ginger said simply. “You want what’s best for him. I can be selfless, you know! I can be Team Baljeet too.”

“That’s why you deserve him, sweetie,” said Isabella, finally getting out a large wooden cutting board to serve as their snack plate. “I have zero idea where Wendy stands on that… we don’t really speak, me and Wendy, we’ve never run in the same circles… but what are the odds she’s as good for him as you are?”

She placed a block of cheese on the board, followed by a few stacks of crackers. As she prepped some fruit slices, she saw Ginger smirking at her.

“What?”

“Gretchen told me something interesting that happened Thursday morning,” said Ginger. “Care to elaborate on that?”

Isabella blushed. “Yeah, we kissed a little. It was symbolic. I just wanted to give my first kiss away on my own terms instead of waiting around for Phineas to take it.”

“Symbolic or not, she spoke very highly of that kiss,” said Ginger.

“It was a damn good kiss, I’m not gonna lie.”

“I have a thought,” Ginger said deviously.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Of something else older girls do at sleepovers.”

Seeing where this was going, Isabella shot Ginger her best attempt at half-lidded bedroom eyes. “Yeah?”

“You and me,” Ginger said boldly. “Why don’t we… practice kissing together? We can give each other advice, and brush up on our skills so that when we end up with our guys, we’ll be really good at it and can completely knock their socks off.”

Isabella picked out a cheese knife and stuck it decisively in the block of cheese before turning to face Ginger again, her arms outstretched. “You’re a mad genius. Come here.”

Ginger eagerly leapt into her embrace, and Isabella pulled her close and kissed her passionately for a few seconds before slowly pulling away.

“So, how was that?” Isabella asked.

“That was amazing,” Ginger breathed. “No notes. I can see what Gretchen was raving about. You’re good.”

“No notes, huh?” Isabella said thoughtfully. “So you think I should start trying more… advanced techniques?”

Ginger gulped, suddenly nervous. “I think that would be best, yeah. You’re ready.”

“That’s so nice of you. Um… before I take a crack at that, I do have notes. Let’s try that again, but kiss me back this time.”

“Oh,” Ginger said lamely. “Kinda thought I did.”

“No, you went totally stiff. It’s okay! This is why we practice. You can do this. Pretend I’m Baljeet and fully mack on me.”

“Okay. I can do that.”

They kissed again, soon sinking into it, the snack plate forgotten as the other girls could be heard falling into fits of giggles at Holly’s drawing.

Chapter Text

“Hey, babe.”

Stacy shut her locker to see Vanessa standing there.

“Hey, honey,” Stacy said shyly. “Gosh, it’s good to see you. It always is, you know. ’Cause you’re nice to look at. You’re, like… so beautiful.”

“Thanks, Stacy.”

“Absolutely beautiful. Heavenly, almost.”

“Aw, come on, don’t make me blush.”

Despite Vanessa’s words, it was Stacy who was blushing. “Oh, but I’d like that,” she said, trying to sound bold. “You should know, you’re… just especially stunning today. Did you do something with your eyelashes?”

“Uh, no.”

“No? Then I guess you’ve just always had really nice eyelashes and I… I never singled them out in my mind, until now, because… every bit of you is pretty. I can’t notice the whole thing at once, you know?”

Vanessa smirked. “Stacy, what are you doing?”

Stacy hung her head in shame. “Trying to be extra flirty. To prove that I’m still on board with… us. I don’t know how to flirt, it’s still a mystery to me how I got you in bed, but… I care about you a whole lot. You know?”

“But you don’t love me.”

Stacy flinched.

“I’m sorry,” Vanessa said immediately. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m not…”

“Here’s the thing: I do, though,” said Stacy. “I know that’s how I feel about you. I just don’t know if I mean it in the same… incredibly romantic, ‘soulmates’ kind of way you mean when you say it.”

“I don’t believe in soulmates, Stacy. If everyone had a soulmate nobody would ever find them. There’s billions of people all over the world, you know. What are the odds my soulmate would also live in Danville? I just know I’m madly in love with you.”

“Madly? Wow. I mean… same… but…”

“But you don’t want to say it until you’re sure you mean with the full, for-real intensity with which I mean it,” Vanessa supplied.

“Yeah,” Stacy said sheepishly. “Nailed it.”

Vanessa pouted and slid closer to Stacy. “Honey, how do I make that happen? I love you and we both know you love me. What’s it take to get you to admit it?”

“Just keep on loving me a little while longer,” said Stacy. “I know how it sounds, but I need… time.”

Vanessa nodded slowly. “You’re worth time. Keep flirting, that was great.”

“Okay,” said Stacy. “Um… I’ve always liked your lips. They’re… luscious. And you color them nicely. Always good choices.”

“You know, compliments aren’t inherently flirty. Why don’t you tell me what you’d like to do with my lips?”

“Well, I don’t know what I could suggest that we haven’t done already…”

“Oh my God.”

Suddenly, Lisa was standing between the two of them. Stacy froze up.

“Stacy, are you flirting?” Lisa taunted. She turned to Vanessa. “I think she has a crush on you, dude.”

“I sure as hell hope so,” said Vanessa, keeping her eyes pointedly on Stacy without serving Lisa with even a cursory glance, “since we’ve been dating for six weeks and I just now reminded her that I love her.”

“Oh, God,” Lisa said in alarm. “So you of all people are…”

Vanessa looked at her and she fell silent immediately. Lisa shifted her focus back to Stacy, who was fully petrified.

“You know you could never keep a girl like that, right?” she said. “She’s way too good for you.”

“Nice pivot, bitch,” Vanessa said coldly. “Lisa Stone, I presume? The busty furry?”

Lisa whirled on her. “I am not a furry—!”

“We all saw the campaign ads,” said Vanessa. “You’ve flown under my radar so far, but now…” She stepped closer and leaned down to look Lisa straight in the eye. “Push my girlfriend around one more time and I will kill you. Look me in the eye and ask yourself if you feel lucky or if you think I fucking mean it.”

Lisa said nothing, simply walking off as casually as she could.

“So that’s Lisa in person,” said Vanessa. She looked over Stacy. “Babe?”

“That was a very tame Lisa encounter,” Stacy forced out.

“I believe it.”

“We were so sure she wouldn’t be after us if we weren’t flat anymore,” Stacy murmured, her hands reflexively rising up to feel her own breasts, as if making sure they were still there.

“And I had a feeling it wouldn’t be that easy,” Vanessa admitted. “Oh, honey… can I…?”

Stacy nodded. “Hold me.”

Vanessa embraced Stacy gently, to find she was shaking.

“That girl messed you up pretty bad, huh?” Vanessa said softly.

“Yeah,” Stacy squeaked. “I had almost forgotten. But she’s still at it.”

Stacy pulled back, craning her neck in the direction Lisa had gone.

“Stacy?” Vanessa said in concern.

“I… suddenly I wonder if there’s something Candace isn’t telling me.”

Chapter Text

“Candace!”

Candace turned, to see it was Coltrane approaching her. She had just been on her way out the front doors of the school at the end of the day.

“Hey, Coltrane.”

“Glad I caught you,” he said. “Need to talk to you about some homecoming committee business. You got a pen?”

“Yeah.” She rifled in her backpack and whipped out a pen and notebook. “What are we doin’?”

“So, first thing: I’ll be playing in the homecoming football game.”

“Really? I thought you were a basketball player.”

“Um… no. You might be mistaking me for someone with a similar hairdo.”

“Yeah, probably,” Candace admitted. “It’s just… you don’t look much like a guy who plays football.”

“Okay, that I understand. We football players get that a lot. See, when you see us out on the field, we don’t actually have gigantic shoulders and chests, that’s padded armor worn under our uniforms.”

“Okay, got it.”

“Point being, since I’ll be busy with that, I won’t be able to play in the homecoming band, so… we need a bass player.”

Candace chuckled. “Well, nobody really needs a bass player.”

He stared at her.

“That was a bass player joke,” she said awkwardly. “From one bass player to another.”

“Oh, you play the bass?”

“Yes, yes I do.”

“Okay, got it. Now that I know that, that’s funny. Not knowing that, it was just mean.”

“Sorry,” she said sheepishly. “So, should I take over for you?”

“In the band?” he said thoughtfully. “I don’t think you should do it either. You’re a candidate. You can’t play in the band and dance the royal dance at the same time.”

“Aww, you really think I have a chance?”

“You’ve got my vote,” he said pleasantly. “But whether you’ve got a shot or not, it’d be bad form to make a candidate play in the band. That’s why I didn’t ask Jeremy to play guitar.”

“Hmm,” Candace pondered. “So, do you need a full band? ’Cause I think I can get you a band. They’re sixth-graders, but they’re really professional.”

His eyes lit up, immediately seeing where she was going. “Your brothers and those guys?”

“Yeah.”

“That sounds promising! See if you can get them.”

Candace wrote something down.

“And the other thing,” Coltrane went on. “We need to add a wheelchair ramp to the homecoming stage. Aisha Bradley’s campaign is really ramping up… horrible pun absolutely not intended… and if she wins but can’t get onstage, then we, the homecoming committee, are gonna look like a bunch of assholes.”

“Wheelchair ramp for Aisha Bradley, got it,” said Candace, writing that down as well. “I know Aisha! The freshman chick with the pigtails. The one who, um… uh…”

“The one who uses a wheelchair, yes,” Coltrane said dryly.

“Er, regrettably, yeah, she’s been one year behind me in school all my life and that’s pretty much all I know about her, yeah…”

“Well, she’s working hard to make sure people know more about her than that,” said Coltrane. “She’s been hosting bake sales, and video game tournaments, and people are diggin’ it. She’s kicking ass.”

“Uh-huh. So she’s really got a chance at winning freshman princess? We’re not giving her some condescending honorary duchess title just because she’s disabled?”

“Nope. Seems like she’s really getting people to vote for her.”

“That rocks so hard. Good for her. Okay, I will make sure that gets back to the rest of the committee. Need that ramp.” She paused and thought for a minute. “Does Aisha have… nice boobs?”

“Er, what? I don’t know.”

“Come on. Have you seen her recently?”

“Yeah, I spoke to her just today.”

“Well, didn’t you look at her boobs? You’re a guy. Isn’t that the only thing guys notice?”

“Common misconception,” he said pompously. “Guys don’t notice anything. Ever. Gun to my head, I couldn’t describe Aisha Bradley’s boobs to you.”

“That’s… totally fair,” Candace submitted. “I just wondered. Freshman girls who don’t have nice boobs get the brunt of the bullying around here.”

“Yeah, so I’ve heard,” Coltrane said grimly. “Like I said, she’s becoming pretty popular, so I think she might be okay on that front.”

“Good, good… I worry about that sometimes,” Candace muttered. “So, how’ve you been? We haven’t really talked since you split with Stacy.”

“I’ve been all right,” he said. “It stung a little when I found out who Stacy left me for, but like… I get it. I completely get it. Who wouldn’t leave me for Vanessa Doofenshmirtz? She’s like…”

“She’s very ‘wow’,” Candace supplied.

“So they say.”

“If it’s any comfort, she didn’t leave you for Vanessa. I was there when she met Vanessa for the first time, and that was after you guys broke up.”

“Hm… well, that’s good to know, actually.”

“Yep,” Candace said chipperly. “They kinda had instant chemistry, it was so cute. Not unlike you and her, actually, only instead of chatting about music, they went right to kissing. And groping each other’s tits. Like, minutes after they met. It was so hot.”

“This has ceased to make me feel better.”

“Sorry.”

Coltrane shrugged, brushing that aside, then he smirked. “You know, Jeremy can’t stop smiling.”

“I’m aware. Did he tell you why?”

“I guessed. He confirmed that I guessed correctly.”

“Well, there you go,” Candace said jovially. “Think we can covertly work that into my homecoming princess campaign? Would it boost my popularity if I was known as some sort of, I don’t know… blowjob queen?”

“I don’t think so,” Coltrane said. “You have to blow multiple guys to qualify as a blowjob queen. That’s why you get popular, every guy is nice to you under the assumption that, hey, maybe they’ll have a shot too.”

“Hm,” Candace said thoughtfully. “So, having blown my long-term boyfriend won’t do anything for my reputation?”

“Not really, no.”

“Well, that’s a shame. Anyway!” She tapped her notebook with her pen. “I’ll take care of this stuff.”

“Thanks, Candace.”

“Yeah. Good talk.”

Chapter Text

Phineas and Ferb chilled out on the couch, watching TV. The sliding door to the backyard slid open behind them, and Candace entered. “Hey, guys.”

“Hi, Candace,” said Phineas.

“Listen, I wanted to run something by you,” she said, standing in front of the TV. “The homecoming committee is kind of counting on me, so I hope you’re on board.”

Phineas beamed. “We’ve been on board for your whole campaign. Why would we stop now?”

Candace smiled back. “This one’s for the whole student body. Don’t I often see you guys playing in a band, to supplement a big idea? If I recall correctly, it’s usually you two guys on guitars, Isabella on bass, Baljeet on keyboard, and Buford on drums, right?”

“We mix it up a little now and then,” Phineas said earnestly. “But I’d say, yeah, you’re correct about that being our usual lineup. I feel it suits our personalities and group dynamics the best.”

“Yeah!” Candace said eagerly. “So… would you guys be able to play homecoming? We need a band. For the entire evening.”

Phineas leapt off the couch. “We’ll do it! We’ll put together a hip, cool set list that everyone will love, and we’ll play it live! It’s gonna be epic.”

“Thanks so much, you guys.”

“Ferb, start jotting down ideas for songs.”

Ferb immediately whipped out a pen and paper.

“You know, I really do play the bass,” Candace said. “I just can’t right now because I got other stuff to do at the dance.”

“I know, Candace.”

“No, but I’m saying, like… I really know how to play the bass. I’ve learned.”

“Not sure what you’re getting at, Candace. Isabella knows how to play the bass too.”

“She does? You don’t just give her a bass that reads her brain waves and plays itself for her?”

“No. What gave you an idea like that?”

“Since you mention it,” Candace said sheepishly, “I guess I got the idea from a half-remembered Jimmy Neutron rerun. They made instruments like that for a talent show.”

“I never cared for that show,” said Ferb. “The science and inventions were preposterous, not at all grounded in reality.”

“Come on, Candace,” Phineas chided, amused. “You know Ferb and I really do play the guitar. We’ve been taking lessons since the age of five.”

“Yeah, I remember,” said Candace. “The two of you together were like a tiny Tenacious D.”

“Wow!” said Phineas, his eyes sparkling. “Thank you.”

“Oh, don’t thank me. I wasn’t thinking of Tenacious D like on their albums or tours where they have a full band so they’re genuinely metal as well as funny. I was thinking Tenacious D from their HBO show when they were just two guys with acoustic guitars, so it was funny that they acted like an awesome heavy metal band.”

“That is a very specific era of Tenacious D, but I’m still flattered to be associated,” said Phineas. “Ferb, I know what we’re gonna do today: we should listen to every Tenacious D song and make a list of all of those that are appropriate enough to play at a school dance. It’s sure to be a… short list. But then let’s still run it by Dad to make sure none of them are inappropriate in ways that go over our heads. We’ll see if we can fit some D into our set list.”

Ferb nodded.

“Hey, Candace, do you remember when we briefly had that talk show on the Disney Channel? Jack Black was our very first guest. We didn’t go into detail about Tenacious D because, you know, it was the Disney Channel, but he was fun.”

“I remember,” said Candace. “That was a fun show. The Taylor Swift episode still blows my mind.”

“Oh, yeah, you were already impressed at the time and she’s really gone places since then.”

Chapter Text

“As for the first celebrity guest they ever got, I’m pretty sure it was Evander Holyfield,” Candace was saying. “I could be wrong. That was still really early in the summer, I don’t know how they pulled that off.”

“I remember hearing that they got Clay Aiken and Chaka Khan to do a duet and we both totally missed it,” said Stacy. “You know, they really need to start paying better attention to who’s watching. A lot of people who’d very much like to see what they’re doing just… never see it.”

“Oh my God, tell me about it.”

Stacy slung her backpack over her shoulders and shut her locker. “Anyway, I’m gonna head out and meet Vanessa. She’s waiting at the back of the school at one of our usual hookup spots.”

“You guys hook up at school?”

Stacy grinned sheepishly. “Well, after school. A little quickie really hits the spot after a day of… ugh… education. Perks me right up.”

Candace grinned back. “Ah, I love what she’s turned you into. I’d never be able to picture you having quickies out back of the school before you got together with that complete bombshell of a babe. Now it totally seems like something you’d do.”

“Hehe… yeah… they’re quick but they’re mind-blowing. She’s learning as she goes, you know, gotten really good with her fingers in my p… in my panties.”

“Heh. I caught what you almost said there.”

“Bit of a public place to say it,” Stacy said weakly. “But, yeah, she gets me there. Every single time.”

“Every time, huh? Mm, that sounds nice. Have… have a good one, Stace.”

Stacy walked off.

“Stacy, wait!” Candace cried out suddenly. “Don’t… don’t leave me alone.”

Stacy turned back to her, looking irritated. “Why not?”

Candace’s lip quivered. “I… I can’t take it anymore. Every time I’m alone, in the halls, or especially in the bathroom, she… she finds me. I don’t know how. But I can’t handle it one more time.”

“Who finds you?” Stacy demanded, but her eyes went wide as she immediately realized the answer to her own question. “No! Oh my God, I had a feeling. How long has this been going on?”

“Since the first day of school.”

“The first day of school,” Stacy repeated in disbelief, then gasped. “The day you didn’t—”

“The day I didn’t wear panties, yes. She knocked me down and… and I was totally exposed. So, naturally, she kicked me square in the vulva with those stupid heavy boots she wears. It was brutal.”

Stacy gaped in shock.

“More recently, when she found out I was running for homecoming princess, she dislocated my arm.”

“Oh, Candace!” Stacy wailed, leaping upon Candace to hug her tight. “It’s very, very tempting to admonish you for not telling me this stuff on the first day of school when it happened. But no. I want to thank you for saying anything at all. That must have been hard.”

“It was,” Candace whimpered. “It’s devastating. I can’t believe I changed my body for nothing. It only made her turn completely violent. She used to just scream at us…”

“You did not do this for nothing,” Stacy said sternly. “You did it for yourself and it made you so happy. Think of all the confidence it’s given you. To dress sexier, to get hotter and heavier with Jeremy. Would you be nearly so confident about homecoming if you had your old body?”

Candace opened her mouth to say something, but found she had nothing in mind. “You’re very persuasive.”

“Really? ’Cause I had more.”

“No, no, you’re right,” Candace muttered, pacing back and forth across the hallway. “I’m just… ashamed that I was so wrong.”

“I know what you mean,” said Stacy. “She came up to me and Vanessa the other day, and tried to mess with me a little, and… I was absolutely petrified. I forget just how traumatized I am by her, until the subject comes up, or, God forbid, she’s right there in front of my face. It was such a… sucker punch. I really thought those days were behind us.”

Candace sighed. “You know, Stacy, I… I’m really glad that neither of us were ever one of those girls who got boobs in freshman year and left the friend group we had. Because we’ve been best friends since forever, and… I wouldn’t want to lose you. I like to think I wouldn’t have left, if it had been me.”

“I like to think so too,” said Stacy, reaching out to squeeze her hand. “That I would have stayed with you, even though she scares me to death.”

Candace nodded, her eyes growing slightly dewy. “Ah, don’t worry about it. Things aren’t all bad. Did you know I’m on the pill now?”

“Ooh, that’s a big step. I bet that ramps up the anticipation.”

“Sure does. And I’m on a waiting list for a psychiatrist. Gonna get to… talk about my anxieties a little but mostly get on some medication. I think that’s the way to go.”

Stacy hugged her again. “It’s good to see you bringing everything together. I’ll… I’ll walk you to your bike before I go meet Vanessa.”

“Thanks.”

Chapter Text

In the Flynn-Fletcher living room, Phineas tuned his guitar. Satisfied with the results, he checked his microphone, played a single chord, and sang: “Climb upon my faithful steed / Then we gonna ride, gonna smoke some weed / Climb upon my big-assed steed / And ride, ride ride…”

He nodded, affirming the quality. “Obviously that song’s not gonna make our set list for a school dance, but it’s one of the best openings to a comedy-rock song of all time.”

Isabella returned to the living room, and Buford, behind his drum set, immediately addressed her. “Hey, Isabella, help us settle this. I was thinking we need the strongest possible opener to the dance—‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’. Greatest song of all time. We should open with that.”

“I, however,” said Baljeet, “maintain that the best song of all time is ‘Godzilla’, and that would be a better opener to convey what a rocking homecoming we’re going to create.”

Isabella shrugged. “Why don’t we compromise and play ‘Barbie Girl’?”

Buford and Baljeet glanced at each other in concern. “In what sense is that a compromise?” Baljeet demanded.

“You know… because you want something by Green Day, you want Blue Öyster Cult, so we should play something by Aqua. Compromise.”

“That’s a terrible suggestion and the color theory joke isn’t funny enough to justify it,” said Buford.

“Just for that, I’m making sure it goes on our set list.”

“Oh, come on. Way to lose the crowd.”

“It’s a classic song.”

“It’s terrible.”

“It’s satirical!”

“Yeah, funny thing about writing a satire of terrible songs? You end up with another terrible song.”

“We’re playing it,” Isabella said decisively. “And you’re doing the male vocal.”

“What male vocal?” Buford said suspiciously.

“The male vocal part of ‘Barbie Girl’,” said Isabella. “Sung by… the guy, the guy from Aqua with the guttural voice. Did you not know there’s a guy who sings in that song? Are you trashing a song you’ve never even heard?”

“I’ve heard it,” Buford retorted. “I don’t wanna sing like the guy from Aqua.”

“I’m gonna make you do that, and that’s final.”

Isabella took up her bass guitar and made some slight tuning adjustments, as Phineas eyed her in concern. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Phineas,” she said. “I just had to change my pad. Just something I have to do every few hours. It’ll be over in a day or two. Until, you know, next month.”

“Yeah,” he said supportively.

“That’s just part of my life now,” Isabella lamented. “An endless cycle, like the phases of the moon.”

“Uh-huh,” he said sympathetically.

“That was a joke, by the way. Periods have nothing to do with the phases of the moon. They’re just two things that happen to run on a roughly monthly cycle.”

“No, I knew that.”

“Good.”

“Are you in any… pain?” he ventured.

“I am,” she admitted. “But I can stick it out.” She set her bass aside and hugged him. “Your concern for my well-being sure gives me tingly feelings in some places. I really enjoy that.”

“Uh, what?”

“Nothing, nothing at all.” She took up her bass again and began playing an improvised jam.

Candace came in through the back door. “Hey, guys.”

“Hi, Candace,” said Phineas.

“I just saw off our celebrity guests at the airport,” she said wistfully. “I guess that little chapter is over. Sarah Michelle Gellar was here in our house to get me ready for homecoming! But now that day is almost here, and all I have backing me up is you twerps.” She ruffled Ferb’s hair affectionately. “So, hey, Isabella—Ginger told me you got that First Period patch. Up top.” She held up her hand.

“Not really a high-five moment,” said Isabella. “But thanks.” She hit it with gusto.

Candace looked around at the four boys, who looked a bit awkward. “I didn’t just spill a secret, did I? Oops…”

“Nah, these guys know,” said Isabella. “We’ve been chatting about it, clearing up some misconceptions that they had. Well, that Buford had. They’ve been supportive. Gotta give major credit to Phineas for being concerned about me. And Baljeet, of course, for being there when it happened and helping me take action.”

“And do I see a bra strap?”

Isabella shrugged her shoulders, emphasizing the clearly visible strap. “It’s a training bra, you don’t get a patch for that. Doesn’t train you for jack. It’s a purely aesthetic rite-of-passage thing.”

“Still, jealous,” Candace said brightly. “I wasn’t wearing a training bra when I was eleven. In fact, I’ve never worn a training bra. I went directly from nothing to a D-cup. You remember, you were there.”

“Yep,” said Isabella. “As for me, I just… yeah, I’ve got boobies now and I’m pretty happy with them.” She hesitated, embarrassment bubbling up at the sound of her own words. “I, um… I pretty much exclusively call them my ‘boobies’ because, you know, they’re not quite ‘boobs’ yet… they’re still in development, as it were. I suppose if I was talking to a doctor or something I’d be technical and call them my ‘breasts’… because ‘my breasts’ are a thing that exists now, which is… wild to think about… but in casual conversation, ‘boobies’ seems to be the only term that fits. I’m… I’m rambling. Phineas, you noticed that I got these, right?”

Phineas did a rapid double-take. “Um, what?”

Isabella faltered a bit at the realization she would have to repeat herself, but pressed on. “Did you… happen to notice… that I have boobies now? Before they came up in this conversation, I mean. Be honest.”

“Uh… yeah, actually,” he admitted. “For the past couple days, you’ve been wearing off-the-shoulder stuff that shows off your bra straps, so I picked up on… that.”

Isabella beamed at Candace. “See? He can be taught.” She paused. “You know, I love sharing stuff with these four guys, but I don’t get to hang with the Fireside Girls every day and I’ve been dying for some girl-talk. Can you and I go somewhere a bit more one-on-one?”

“Sure thing,” said Candace. “You four! Quit checking out Isabella’s boobies.”

“They haven’t been checking me out, Candace,” Isabella chuckled. “They’re my boys. They’re better than that.”

“I don’t trust ’em. Let’s go.”

The two of them casually migrated to the kitchen, and Candace knelt down to be at Isabella’s level, beaming at her. “So how are you doing?”

“Good,” said Isabella. “I kind of expected to suddenly feel really mature and womanly, but I don’t.”

“You’re not supposed to. That’s just a thing people say.”

“I’ve mostly been nauseous and sweaty,” she said grimly. “And in my head, things feel kind of confusing and strange.”

“Yeah, how so?”

“Well… mind you, these things don’t correlate directly with me having gotten my period. I’ve been having these weird thoughts for… some time… since school started, roughly.”

Candace nodded. “What kind of thoughts? Tell me. Let it out.”

Isabella hesitated only for a second, then blurted out, “Boys. They’re everywhere. In a middle school environment, some of them still look like cute little kids, some look way too macho and rugged for their age, most of them are really awkward and gangly but that’s kind of charming in its own way. And all of them get boners in the middle of class for no apparent reason and are terrible at hiding it. It’s all so very intriguing.”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Also? Girls! It’s really starting to hit me… about half of everyone you’ll meet out in the world… is a girl. And a lot of them have boobs. Boobs are captivating.”

“I suppose they are.”

“In short,” Isabella sighed, “I am experiencing the emotion they call ‘horniness’ for the first time and it’s very new. It’s like… I haven’t had any super erotic dreams, I have no strong desire to touch myself, I don’t think I’ve ever had an orgasm of any kind… but there are certain visual stimuli that make me feel all tingly inside, and… and I enjoy thinking about those things to make the tingly sensation happen. It’s very pleasant.”

Candace put a gentle hand on Isabella’s shoulder. “That all sounds pretty normal to me.”

“Really?”

“Well, either that or you and I are the exact same kind of freak.”

“Oh, that’s reassuring.”

“I’m kidding,” Candace chuckled. “I’m sure it’s normal. It’s pretty much what me and my friends went through at your age. So if you ever need any advice, you know where to find me. Ah, you know me, I don’t know anything and I’m usually wrong about most things, but… I keenly remember going through female puberty. I can at least give you anecdotal advice. Unless the subject is breast growth. I wouldn’t know anything about that. I didn’t experience it for years and then I artificially forced it. You remember, you were there.”

“Yeah, you used that line already,” Isabella giggled.

“Also can’t help you with being attracted to girls. I can’t relate to that.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, my interest in macking on other girls was always purely academic. ’Cause it’s what girls do. Never got around to it, and now that I’m with Jeremy I’m not interested anymore. So, you know, don’t feel like you failed at something if you never actually kiss any girls.”

Isabella vividly recalled her kisses with Gretchen and Ginger, but decided not to mention them. “Sure thing, Candace. Anyway, I think I’d better get back to those guys. If I don’t play that bass… it doesn’t make much of a difference.”

“Ha, nice one,” said Candace. “Although now that I hear it, it does kinda bum me out that that’s the only joke people make about bass players.”

“Don’t let it bring you down,” said Isabella. “Everyone knows in their bones that something is deeply wrong when they hear a song without a bass line, and that’s what matters.”

They returned to the living room.

“By the way, Candace,” said Phineas, “the trail of rose petals leading from the front door to your bedroom was left there by Jeremy. I think he’s expecting you.”

“There’s a what leading to where now?” Candace exclaimed. She looked to the front door, where there was indeed a path of red rose petals leading from there to the stairs. “Wow. How did I miss that?”

“You entered via the backyard,” Phineas reminded her.

“Oh, right. Why didn’t he leave the trail there? Everybody knows we usually enter the house through the back gate.”

“Well, that might be our fault,” Phineas pondered. “We were kinda here occupying the living room with our amps and stuff.”

“And, uh, when did he do this?”

“About four hours ago.”

“And he’s still in my room waiting for me?”

“He should be,” said Phineas. “Don’t worry, he brought a book and some music. We told him we didn’t know when you’d be back, but… he seemed willing to wait as long as he needed to. Is this a special occasion?”

Rather than answer, Candace followed the trail to the staircase, where it continued, roses on every step. Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella followed her, and watched her carefully as she stared at the roses in stunned disbelief.

“Oh my God,” Candace said softly. “I’m about to be eaten out.”

“You guys are… going out to eat?” Phineas inquired. “That’s a weird way to phrase that.”

Candace looked back at him, surprised he was there. “I don’t have time for this. Isabella, you explain it to him.”

“Yeah, I’ll… get right on that,” she said.

“I need to prepare,” Candace said anxiously. She blinked once. “Okay, I’m prepared. I’m so ready for this. He is going down! Down, down, down! On me! Hehehehe, I like what I did there, that was… clever.”

She started up the stairs, but paused and turned back.

“So, um, listen, you guys… we’ll probably be able to hear you practicing from up there, so, try to keep up a good atmosphere. You don’t have to play only romantic songs, but just… don’t play anything silly, anything that’d kill the mood. You know?” She took one step up the stairs, then turned back again. “And… definitely do keep playing, so you don’t hear what we’re doing up there. I don’t think I’m a screamer, but you never know. I’m definitely gonna be making some noise. Don’t be alarmed, it’s all… I guess, just… don’t come rescue me if you hear me screaming, is what I’m saying. Unless I scream someone’s name, that’ll be a call for help just in case, you know, some kind of emergency happens.” She took another few steps, then came back down again. “Unless it’s Jeremy’s name. If I’m screaming Jeremy’s name that means everything’s going according to plan. Am I making any sense?”

“Practice actively so we can’t hear you, don’t play anything silly because you can hear us, and don’t come rescue you unless you scream the name of someone besides Jeremy,” Phineas supplied.

“Oh,” Candace said, pleasantly surprised. “I guess I am making sense. Okay, he’s been waiting for me long enough. I’ve been waiting long enough. I’m outta here.” She ran up the stairs and disappeared. “Jeremy, I’m here! I’m ready!”

Phineas turned to Isabella. “So, um… what was that about?”

She looked back at him in alarm. “You really didn’t put it together? He’s going to go down on her.”

“Right,” Phineas said uneasily. “Going down on someone. I’ve heard of that. It’s an incredibly uninformative euphemism and I do not know what it means.”

“Oooookay,” said Isabella. “Does the word ‘cunnilingus’ mean anything to you?”

“Hmm. No.”

“Really? You’re usually so good with words.”

“Never heard that one.”

“You’re really gonna make me say it,” Isabella muttered. “Jeremy… is going to perform oral sex on Candace. His mouth on her vulva and it feels good. To her, I assume.”

“Oh,” said Phineas, a bit mortified. “Oh, I see.”

“Yup.”

Phineas glanced up the stairs. “And do you think Candace will really enjoy that?”

“What are you asking me for, Phineas?” Isabella said dryly. “I’m your age. Any form of sex with another person just sounds like a gross violation of personal space to me. But from what I’ve heard, yeah, it’s supposedly… totally great.”

“Something to revisit when we’re older, I guess,” Phineas said thoughtfully.

“I’m… gonna choose not to read too much into that,” said Isabella. “I’ve been burned before.”

Phineas tried to make sense of that. “Um… what?”

“Nothing. Come on, let’s get back to practice.”

She returned to the living room, but Ferb kept thoughtfully looking up the stairs.

“What’s on your mind, Ferb?” Phineas asked.

“I think we may have dropped the ball, as Candace’s brothers,” he muttered. “We never took Jeremy aside to tell him that if he ever breaks Candace’s heart he’ll have us to answer to.”

“Well, you can see why that never occurred to us,” said Phineas. “It’s Jeremy. Does he seem like the kind of guy who breaks people’s hearts?”

“I suppose not,” said Ferb. “And it’s probably too late, right? Too late to warn him not to press his luck, when… he’s probably performing oral sex on our sister as we speak.”

“Yeah,” said Phineas.

They paused, listening intently.

“I’m not sure why we paused to listen intently just there,” Phineas said sheepishly. “We don’t wanna hear that.”

“No, no we don’t.”

“You okay, Ferb? You seem… frustrated.”

“Just thinking out loud, I suppose.”

“Well, at the risk of stating the obvious, that’s not like you. You usually think silently. Come on, what’s really going on?”

Ferb hesitated before articulating his thoughts. “I’m just… realizing… that I’m going to have to find a new romantic interest in my life. Stacy kind of… took mine.”

“Oh, right,” Phineas realized. “Aw, dude, that’s a shame. Well, come on, I know Vanessa’s a great fantasy, but like… she has her own life and her own standards. Girls like her don’t date sixth-graders. Well, maybe girls like her who are still in sixth grade date sixth-graders… I mean, hopefully… but they definitely don’t by the time they’re juniors in high school.”

Ferb stared blankly.

“You didn’t know that?” Phineas said meekly.

“No, I know that. I’m just surprised you do. People say I’m enigmatic and mysterious, but you can certainly be… anyway. Are we rehearsing before Candace starts making noises, or what?”

“Yes, sir.”

The two brothers rejoined their three friends in the living room. “All right, everybody,” said Phineas. “Candace says to avoid any silly songs so we don’t spoil the mood while Jeremy is going down on her.”

“I’ll take ‘things you say when your family is way too close’ for two hundred, Alex,” said Buford.

“Thank you for that. So, uh, for now, no Tenacious D and probably no Flight of the Conchords either, but when they’re done up there… I don’t know how long that takes, but whenever they’re done up there… let’s definitely look into the Flight of the Conchords song ‘Hurt Feelings’. I like that song. It poses the question, ‘Have you ever been told you’ve got a weird-shaped head?’ Yes, yes I have. I have been told that. It’s nice to feel seen.”

“I like the way you slip some comedy and novelty songs into the set alongside serious songs,” said Isabella.

“They’re valid! So, anyway, I’m gonna make the call, as we discussed earlier, we’re gonna open with ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’. Then ‘Godzilla’.”

“Yes!” said Buford, pumping his fist.

“All right,” Baljeet sighed, defeated.

“And then ‘Barbie Girl’, but let’s not rehearse that one right now, ’cause it’s a bit silly.” He took up his guitar. “All right, everyone, we are go for ‘Boulevard’.”

Chapter Text

Candace and Stacy’s bowling shoes shuffled cheerfully against the star-spangled carpets of the bowling alley, returning to their lane with their arms full of sodas and snacks.

“And your work with the committee has been really great,” Stacy was saying. “The way they counted on you to set up the band and the ramp and stuff? I hope, God forbid, that if this whole princess thing doesn’t pan out that you get tons of credit in the yearbook for your work with the committee. I can’t believe homecoming is nearly here! It’s almost felt like our whole lives have been leading up to it.”

Candace stared off into space for a while before responding.

“You know what I’m thinking?” she said. “Jeremy must have studied, like… a diagram. Or something. Because he knew where my clit was and what to do with it. He knew. You always hear about how guys don’t know this stuff, but mm, he was masterful.”

“Candace, enough about your clit,” Stacy retorted, though she was smiling and suppressing a giggle. “I was talking about homecoming. It’s tomorrow.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t focus,” said Candace, bringing her hands up to her face. “I want to dwell on this wonderful memory before it fades away.”

“Gosh,” Stacy said thoughtfully. “What are gonna do the day after tomorrow? We’ve been working our way up to homecoming and I never really thought about… after that.”

“I’m not so concerned about the future,” said Candace, sitting down in one of the hard plastic chairs set up at their bowling lane and reclining exaggeratedly. “I’m still riding the high of having my pussy licked. Nothing else matters.”

“Oh, give it a rest, Candace,” Stacy chided, gently setting her concessions on the table. “Do you think you’re the only girl in this bowling alley whose partner licks pussy? Vanessa goes down on me almost every day. She’s gotten very, very good at it. I daresay she’s an expert.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Stacy spotted a group of elderly ladies in the neighboring lane, listening and eyeing them disdainfully.

“Hi,” Stacy said awkwardly, before sitting down and pointedly looking away, eyes wide and unfocused, mortified.

“Oh, there’s no way she’s better at it than Jeremy,” said Candace, seemingly unaware of their audience.

“Jeremy?” Stacy said dismissively. “Jeremy, who’s done it a whole one time after maybe studying a diagram? Come on.”

“Maybe Vanessa has more experience, at least at this point, but Jeremy’s good at everything. This is known.”

“Sure, but… Vanessa is reeeeally good at everything.”

Candace shrugged. “Jeremy will catch up to her once we start going all the way tomorrow. How’s Vanessa at sucking boobs?”

“Superb.”

“Jeremy’s been doing that a little longer. I bet he’s better.”

“Doubtful. Vanessa has boobs and so knows how to handle them.”

“That’s… hard to argue with, actually,” Candace admitted. “But…”

“And don’t even try to tell me Jeremy’s a better kisser,” Stacy cautioned. “Because Vanessa is easily the best kisser alive. Easily.” She hesitated. “Is this weird? Is this conversation getting weird?”

Candace pouted at her. “Stacy, my beloved—if the day ever comes that I don’t want to hear about your sex life, pull the plug on me, because it means I’ve sunk into an irreversible coma and I am gone. I hope you feel the same.”

“Well, I do, but over the course of the day you’ve kind of run out of things to say about Jeremy going down on you and you’ve started repeating yourself.”

Candace winced. “Mm, duly noted. Let’s turn our attention to tomorrow, then! After homecoming, Jeremy’s gonna drive me off in my Nedlington Nymph and we’re gonna situate ourselves in the backseat and finally go all the way. Tomorrow. That’s crazy.”

Stacy leaned toward her, smiling. “Are you ready?”

“I’m so ready. I’ve been nervous on and off, but now that I’ve had his tongue inside me, I am beyond ready for more. How about you guys? Any plans?”

“For homecoming?” said Stacy. “Hard to say. We’ll probably just have sex, same as you guys. But like… more romantically than we usually do? I guess? Yeah, that sounds good. We can get really busy in my bed instead of having a quick hookup after school like usual. Yeah, that would really… I’d like that. Maybe she’ll spend the whole night with me. Maybe I’ll finally tell her I love her! That’d be a good time for it, right?”

Candace beamed. “I think it’s gonna be a wonderful homecoming. You’ll have that moment for sure.”

“Hey, can I tell you about this bogus nightmare I had last night?”

“Oh, you bet.”

Stacy adjusted in her seat. “So… we were all together on some couch somewhere, I dunno. We were all making out and having a good time—you with Jeremy, me with Vanessa. When suddenly someone, could have been any one of us, I don’t remember, suggested we switch partners. And we did. Vanessa started going to town on you, and Jeremy banged me right there on that couch.”

“How is that a nightmare?”

“I don’t like Jeremy like that, Candace. Having sex with him is not my idea of a good dream. Especially not while watching you ride my girlfriend’s fingers beside us. I’m sure you enjoy dreaming about sex with Jeremy…”

“Oh, I do. Often. All the time. All the time.”

“But it’s not for me.”

“Come on, Jeremy’s great.”

“He’s my friend. I didn’t want to see him like that. You can keep him. Honestly.”

Candace pondered for a moment. “You know, we could swap partners. Just for a night sometime. We’d settle the debates on which of them is better at various techniques…”

“It’s not gonna happen, Candace,” Stacy said bitterly. “Come on, you don’t really want to have sex with Vanessa, do you?”

“It’s Vanessa,” Candace said simply. “Her hotness transcends all known concepts of sexual orientation. Everyone wants to fuck Vanessa. Do you comprehend how amazing it is that you’re the person who gets to actually do it with her?”

“Well, of course I do,” Stacy said humbly. “I just… really didn’t think my nightmare scenario would be something you’d be into.”

“Jeremy wouldn’t,” Candace said thoughtfully. “He’s demisexual. So he’s definitely not attracted to you. I’m merely… very loyal. If Jeremy said I could fool around with Vanessa, I’d totally do it.”

“I say you can’t fool around with Vanessa,” Stacy countered.

“Then I won’t, but I wouldn’t mind having a dream about it.”

“Hey, Candy!” someone called out.

Candace immediately got to her feet and ran to the entrance to greet Jenny, who was arriving with someone. “Jenny! Glad you could make it. And… is this…”

Jenny indicated her guest, a freckled blonde girl. “You remember my cousin Sara, right?”

“Yeah…” said Candace, peering at Sara suspiciously. “Last time you came to one of my little get-togethers, it escalated into a wild teen party and I got busted for it. I blame you.”

“You do?” Sara said in surprise.

“I know it ain’t fair, but that’s the way it goes. Totally your fault. Tread carefully.”

“O-okay…” Sara said pitifully.

“Anyway! You two take your time to get logged into the lanes. Help yourself to any concessions they offer here. We’ve already got a bunch at our table, so help yourself, but we’re definitely gonna want to pile on more. Oh, and we smuggled in some beer, it’s hidden under the seats.”

“Really?” said Jenny.

“Well, not beer beer. It’s apple ale and various flavors of hard lemonade. Basically sodas with slight alcohol content, but, hey, still totally illegal and rebellious for us to have purchased. Drink responsibly.”

She smacked Jenny on the butt, and Jenny grinned. “Nice one, Candy.”

Jeremy passed through the entrance next, clad in a sleek blue bowling shirt and accompanied by Coltrane.

“Jeremy!” Candace said gleefully. “Hey, lover.”

“Hi, Candace.” He pulled her into a long and sweet smooch.

“You brought your own bowling shoes?” she observed. “That’s so sexy.”

“It’s… really not.”

“Everything you do is sexy to me,” said Candace, reflexively grinding her pelvis against his.

“Candace, not in public,” he said nervously, beads of sweat instantly appearing on his brow.

She obeyed, still pressing up against him but holding still. “Tomorrow night, you’re all mine and I can’t wait,” she said, slipping a seductive growl into her words.

“You’re so hot, Candace,” said Jeremy. “I don’t say it enough.” He kissed her again. “I’m gonna sign us in.”

“Love you, babe,” she said sweetly as he gently slipped out of her embrace and went to the front counter.

“Heya, Candace,” said Coltrane.

“Hiya, Coltrane,” she said. “Nice to see you. Is it just you two? I was expecting your drummer. What’s his name? I want to say… Tim?”

“It’s not Tim.”

“No? Where did I get ‘Tim’?”

“Tim is the bass player from Zits. Like our drummer, he’s seldom seen outside of band scenes.”

“You know, bass players really get done dirty.”

Vanessa arrived next, and Stacy got up to greet her. “Babe!”

“Hey, babe,” said Vanessa. “Good to see you. Excited for homecoming tomorrow?”

“So excited,” Stacy gushed.

“I think you’re gonna love my dress,” said Vanessa, winking. “It’s kind of… what’s the word…?”

“Boobtastic?” Stacy guessed.

Vanessa clicked her tongue and shot Stacy a pair of finger-guns. “You know me so well. That’s exactly the word.” She turned to Candace. “And I hear you have received the gift of cunnilingus.”

“Babe!” Stacy exclaimed. “What kind of start to a conversation is that?? Sometimes you’re just like Candace, I swear…”

“It’s true,” Candace said passionately. “Jeremy went down on me yesterday and he was so good. Do you wanna hear about it?”

“Yeah, I wanna hear about it!” said Vanessa. “I only wonder, though… you wanted so badly to hit a big milestone at homecoming. What’s left for you to experience?”

“Cock,” Candace said simply.

“Oh, right! That’s a thing. Totally slipped my mind. My bad.”

“Lucky you. I can never push it out of my mind.”

“Well, let’s bowl!” said Vanessa. “And while we do that, you tell me all about it.”

Stacy returned to the lanes and sat beside Jeremy. “Hey, dude,” she said.

“Hi, Stacy,” he replied.

“Sorry I gave you the cold shoulder at school all day,” she said sheepishly. “I had this horrible dream last night where you and I had sex and I needed time to process it.”

He nodded casually. “That does sound horrible, yes.”

“It was. Candace didn’t think it sounded so bad, but…”

“No. I don’t like you like that.”

“Thank you. You get it.” Stacy noticed that Jeremy was attempting to covertly massage his jaw with his hands. “Still got tongue and jaw cramps?”

He smirked at her. “Candace told you everything down to the last detail, I suppose.”

“Yup,” she chirped. “It’s what we do.”

“Well, yes, I’m still pretty stiff. It kinda took forever, but… how could I stop before she was finished, you know?”

Stacy nodded. “Took a while, huh?”

“Almost forty minutes.”

“Wow,” Stacy gasped. “So… you’re telling me that you had trouble bringing Candace to orgasm? I find that hard to believe.”

“Why’s that?” he said cautiously.

“Well, come on, you know how ludicrously horny she gets for you. I once saw her have an orgasm on her bicycle seat because she saw your house.”

He shrugged. “Well, imagining is one thing. It’s pretty different when it’s really happening, you know? I suspect she was nervous.”

“Oh?” Stacy said eagerly. “Speaking from experience? Jeremy, were you nervous when Candace went down on you?”

“I think I must have been,” he said, grinning sheepishly. “I was so excited. You’d think I would have shot off the very moment Candace touched me. But, no, she had to work at it for a little while.”

“That is so adorable,” Stacy giggled. “So, about Candace… when she finally came, did she scream ‘I’m coming!’?”

“She did, yes.”

“Classic, man. I do that too. Vanessa thought it was tacky at first and gently encouraged me to stop, but I convinced her to try it for herself, and it grew on her, she thinks it’s really hot now. When I start saying that it drives her wild and she just… mmm! She can’t help but go faster. So good.”

“Heh, that’s nice,” Jeremy chuckled.

She leaned toward him, suddenly looking serious. “Have you done any research online, about how to go down on a girl?”

“Not really,” he said. “Just a basic anatomical diagram.”

“I’ll save you the trouble,” said Stacy. “Every article with advice about giving cunnilingus that I’ve ever seen comes back around to one really cool trick: the alphabet.”

“The alphabet?”

“The alphabet. When you’re, you know, down there, what you gotta do is use your tongue to write one letter at a time.” She demonstrated, sticking out her tongue and using it to gently trace the letter A in the air.

“W-wow,” said Jeremy, tugging at his shirt collar.

Stacy nodded eagerly. “Write one letter at a time, and if your partner responds really well to a certain letter, keep writing that one for a while. Vanessa had a big reaction to the letter K recently, of all things. Couldn’t tell you why.”

“I’ll have to try that,” said Jeremy, his eyes glazing over, already pondering the possibilities.

Stacy gazed at his face, then suddenly looked sad. “It always takes me… a good long while to make her come,” she admitted. “Not nearly as fast as how she makes me come. I mean, no surprise there, right? The absolute sex goddess I’m dating is better in bed than I am. Shocking. Alert the media. The only real problem with that is… sometimes I feel like she’s getting impatient with me.”

“Have you talked to her about what she likes?” Jeremy said sympathetically.

“Yeah, and I’m getting better, it’s just… I don’t know. I’m not looking for solutions or advice, I’m just… lamenting.”

He nodded. “Yeah, I get it.”

“Vanessa is the absolute best,” said Stacy, her voice croaking slightly. “It boggles the mind that I get to exist in her vicinity, much less talk to her and share feelings and have sex with her. She’s so amazing, and I’m…”

“You’re you,” said Jeremy.

“Yeah,” Stacy said sadly.

“Well, you say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“It’s not bad, it’s just… what even is it?” said Stacy. “What does she get out of this? I haven’t even said the L-word back to her.”

Jeremy reached out and squeezed her hand. “You? You help make my life happy, dude. That makes you good enough for Vanessa as far as I’m concerned.”

Stacy blushed. “Thanks, Jer.”

“Oh, there you are, babe!” Vanessa swooped in and planted a kiss on Stacy’s face.

“Hey, babe,” said Stacy. “How’s it going?”

“I’m doing pretty well,” Vanessa said breezily. “Let’s just say maybe I shouldn’t have worn a G-string to bowl, and leave it at that. What are you guys talking about?”

“You,” Stacy said awkwardly.

“Good things, I hope.”

“Only the best, babe.”

They kissed again, and Vanessa looked over to Jeremy. “Hey, Jeremy. You and me, we’re gonna win it for the junior class tomorrow, right? Give me a hell yeah.”

“Hell yeah,” he said brightly. “If we can. If not, it was fun to campaign.”

“That’s loser talk,” Vanessa joked. “You and me, we’re winning those crowns. I’ve been getting a really good reception as a candidate. I’m starting to believe Candace when she says I’m gonna get some votes for queen. Ah, well, if she’s right, I’ll still be gracious and admit I lost the bet.”

“Hey, Ness, can we talk for a second?” Stacy said suddenly.

Vanessa smiled at her in adoration. “Sure, Stacy. What’s up?”

They headed to a more secluded spot in the bowling alley. Activity was all around them, but they could speak without being overheard.

“W-what do you want to do tomorrow night after the party and stuff?” Stacy said shyly.

“I dunno,” Vanessa said noncommittally. “You said you’d have your house to yourself again that night, right? I figured we’d have some quality time together there.”

“Yeah,” said Stacy. “Quality time. For…?”

Vanessa raised an eyebrow. “Well, I assumed we’d mostly be fucking each other’s brains out, but… whatever you have in mind, you know I’m in.”

“No, I’m like… yeah, I thought that too,” said Stacy. “We haven’t had a good, long, savory roll in the hay in a while. I want you. Properly, in my bed.”

“Aw, sweetie.”

Stacy blushed. “You know, before the school year started, I had zero inkling that I’d be fucking one of the homecoming princesses. Just… didn’t occur to me that was where my life was going.”

Vanessa put her hands on Stacy’s shoulders and gazed deeply into her eyes. “I didn’t anticipate you coming into my life either.”

“I think you anticipated it a little. You, who got a bikini wax in preparation for our first date. Whereas, you know, I ordered lots of garlic. You’re not supposed to do that on a date, but… I wanted garlic. You at least had a feeling you’d get me into bed.”

“I told you before, I just… really, really hoped.”

“That’s so crazy,” Stacy marveled. “That a girl like you would be dying to jump into bed with a girl like me.”

“It still surprises you?” Vanessa said softly.

Stacy sighed. “You’re an amazing person, Vanessa. You’re beautiful and cool and way smarter than I am, with such a nice rack that sometimes I just can’t even.”

“Stacy,” Vanessa said sternly. “You have the exact same rack as me. You literally got into a machine and specifically requested to have a body type just like mine.”

“Yours is still better, okay?” Stacy grumbled. “You carry it better. More confidently.”

“Well, less confidence can be endearing too,” said Vanessa. “Blessed are the meek, and all that.”

“I just still can’t believe this is real sometimes,” Stacy muttered. “I broke up with Coltrane because I wanted a fresh start, and then barely a day later… I met you. And we kissed, and we touched, and before I knew it you had me stripped down to my socks with your head buried between my legs, and I was trying to figure out when and where to tell you that I love you, and then—”

Vanessa gasped.

“What?” Stacy demanded.

“You said ‘I love you’,” Vanessa whispered. “That’s… the first time you’ve said that.”

Stacy’s eyes went wild. “I didn’t—”

“You said the words,” Vanessa said defiantly. “I’m counting that.”

“Vanessa…”

“I know that’s pathetic and desperate, but… damn it, girl, you make me feel pathetic and desperate.”

“Well, that’s a shitty way to feel,” Stacy mumbled. “I don’t want you to feel that way. I certainly never want to be the reason you feel that way.”

“It’s not like that,” said Vanessa, smiling gently. “Look, you might think I’m effortlessly cool, and maybe you’d be right. A cool head under pressure is something that comes easily to me. I just don’t think about it much. Not much scares me, and I don’t usually care what people think. But you…” Her lip quivered.

“Oh my gosh,” Stacy breathed.

“You scare me a little,” Vanessa went on. “Because I’m so in love with you I don’t even know what to do with myself. I’ve never felt that way before and it really throws me off.” She ran her hands through Stacy’s hair. “I want to chase that high. You’re new. You’re exciting. I never imagined I could love someone so… tenderly.”

“Babe,” Stacy whimpered.

“I’m not perfect, you know.”

“You’re not? Sounds made up. Can you give me an example?”

“Well… I have a very prominent forehead.”

“You do, but I wouldn’t call that a flaw…”

“And I’m… a lot more sensitive than I act,” Vanessa admitted.

“Oh, babe…” Stacy pulled her close. “Our love is intimidating to me too. But that’s probably not a surprise to you in any way. You intimidate most people. You’ve opened up so many possibilities for me and I hardly know what to do first.”

Vanessa pouted. “We still haven’t gotten around to the whole plan of figuring out who you are and what you do, have we? I’m sorry about that. I guess we got sidetracked by my premature ‘I love you’ at the dinner party.”

“It wasn’t premature,” Stacy assured her. “I loved you then, I was just… I was scared. Can I… c-can I say it properly? I know you’re counting me as having already said it, but… can I do it once more for the record? For realsies?”

“Oh my God, please do,” Vanessa said passionately.

Stacy shook the tension out of her shoulders and looked Vanessa deeply in the eye. “I love you, Vanessa. God, that feels so good to say.”

Vanessa pressed her forehead against Stacy’s. “Feels even better to hear it, babe.”

“I am sorry I didn’t say it earlier. Truly, I am. What held me back… at least after the dinner party… was that Candace said… Candace said that since I didn’t say it back right away, I had to make some sort of massive romantic gesture first. I couldn’t think of anything, so even when I knew I was ready, I felt like I couldn’t say it without setting something up.”

“Well…” said Vanessa. “I say this with the utmost affection because I adore Candace, but you know she’s an idiot, right?”

“Yeah,” Stacy lamented. “She reads a lot of magazines and thinks relationships have to be all dramatic and complicated all the time.”

“They’re really not as much fun that way.”

They kissed, swaying back and forth in the bowling alley as the bustling scene of their party and many others went on all around them.

Chapter Text

Candace, Stacy, and Jenny loitered by the front door of the Flynn-Fletcher home, remaining standing to maintain the smoothness of their dresses for as long as possible. Candace’s dress was vivid purple with a long slit exposing her left leg. Stacy’s was deep midnight blue, and her hair was piled up. Jenny wore a yellow dress and a crown of many flowers.

“You look dazzling, girls!” said Lawrence, approaching them with a large film camera. “Let’s get some pictures before you go…”

“One second, Lawrence,” Linda said sharply. “Candace, can I have a quick word with you?”

Candace joined her some distance away in the living room.

“Do you think we can get Jenny some kind of undergarment?” she said nervously. “I can completely see her headlights through that dress. I suppose you don’t have a bra that would fit her, but if we can get her a sports bra or a camisole…”

“Don’t worry about that, Mom,” Candace said brightly. “That’s just Jenny’s new look.”

Linda blinked. “Her ‘new look’ is going around in dresses with her nipples showing?”

“She usually wears sweaters, but yeah. She’s trying to normalize it. I for one don’t know how well she can pull it off, but I agree with her statement. The female nipple is not so vulgar as American culture tries to make it and we should be able to go around looking like that”—she gestured vaguely in Jenny’s direction—“if we so desire. For myself, I just hope that once they’re normalized it’s still a special occasion when we whip ’em out. You know, a meaningful romantic gesture.”

“I suppose,” Linda said uneasily. “I suppose it’s about that time, isn’t it?”

“Well, kind of. I’ve shown Jeremy my nipples lots of times. In the big picture, yes, it is… that time.”

Linda winced at that revelation. “All right. Are you sure you’re ready?”

“I’m absolutely positive.”

“Good. Remember, no photography. That’s not a house rule from me, that’s the United Nations’ ironclad laws on child sexual abuse material. No photography before you’re eighteen.”

“Yes, Mom.”

“Other than that, you… you go on ahead out there and whip ’em out. Nothing stopping you from that. As long as there’s no photography.”

“I get it, Mom.”

“Have a… have a good time,” Linda finally said encouragingly.

“Thanks,” Candace said tenderly. “You know, I’m actually really glad you and Dad are in on this. Makes things easier.”

They returned to the front room, where Lawrence snapped a few pictures of the three girls together.

“So, what’s the plan?” he asked them.

“We left my car with Jeremy last night, so he’ll be on his way any minute,” said Candace. “Vanessa should be there already. So… that’s where we are as far as dates. Jenny’s going alone. Dancing with herself—it’s her way.”

Lawrence nodded. “So, Jeremy’s on his way, then. Do you know where he’s taking you afterward for the… event?”

“Yes, Dad.”

“Does he have the faintest idea of how to put on a condom?”

“Oh my God, Dad!” she exclaimed. “We’ll figure it out, okay?”

“And if they don’t figure it out,” Stacy muttered to Jenny, “it won’t be a total loss. At least they know how to go down on each other.” They both collapsed into giggles.

“Stacy!” Candace snapped.

Soon, Jeremy pulled up in the Nymph, and the three girls eagerly went down the front walkway to join him, their high heels clacking against the pavement. Candace got in beside him, Stacy and Jenny taking the backseat.

“Hey, babe,” said Candace, leaning in to kiss him. “You look so dashing.”

“And you’re… wow,” he breathed, staring at her.

She grinned as he kept staring. “Get going while the night is still young, my love.”

“Of course.” He pulled away from the curb and started driving toward the high school.

Candace couldn’t let the silence last more than a few seconds before blurting out, “I’m going commando again tonight. Told you I’d do it right one day.”

“Ooh,” Jeremy said appreciatively.

“Yup. No malfunctions because it’s a long dress. Although it does have a nice tempting leg slit. You see?”

“I… I do. I do see.” He eyed her exposed leg. “Your leg, it’s so… smooth and shiny.”

“Freshly shaved and extra-pampered with lots of products, for the occasion,” said Candace, gently running a hand up and down the leg.

“Mmm. Can I…?”

“Go on, give it a feel.”

He took a hand off the steering wheel and stroked her leg. “That’s incredible,” he said, his eyes darting to just how high the slit went. “There was a certain satisfaction the other day, you know, in… in peeling your panties off, but…”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“No worries. This is good too. This is great. We have a whole lifetime to keep trying it both ways.”

“Eyes on the road, buddy,” Stacy advised.

“Right,” Jeremy said hastily. “Very important.”

“You know what I’ve been thinkin’?” said Stacy.

“What’s that, Stace?” Candace said jovially.

“Vanessa said her dress would be boobtastic,” she mused. “And I guessed that, ’cause that’s very her. But then I realized… most of what she wears is pretty boobtastic, she always has her cleavage out, and I’m like… if she would even bring that up, she must mean her dress is boobtastic by her standards. Imagine what that could mean. How low-cut is this thing gonna be? I’ve got goosebumps.”

Jeremy pulled into the school parking lot, and they all entered the school gymnasium together, where the party was already in full swing, the dance floor hopping with excited students. On the stage, Phineas was singing lead on “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”, he and the other boys in matching nice suits while Isabella played bass in a glittering red dress.

“Let’s go, babe,” said Candace, clutching at Jeremy’s hand. “I wanna dance.” They ran off together.

“All right, then,” said Stacy. “You’re sure you’re good to be… left on your own?”

“I always am,” Jenny said brightly. “You guys are the best, but it’s pretty draining for me to be around people all the time. I’ll float around as a solitary figure.”

“Have fun, then,” said Stacy. “Looks like my date’s approaching… holy cow…”

Vanessa appeared before her, her hair curled into a shorter style than usual and wearing a black dress with a truly absurd neckline, an expansive squishy cleavage on full display.

“OMG,” Stacy remarked. “Curly hair. And… so much boob. Is that your navel? That dress is cut all the way down to your navel. That’s crazy.”

Vanessa nodded. “That’s my goal, always gotta do something crazy. You are so beautiful, babe.”

They kissed passionately, and when they parted they found that Vanessa’s boobs had popped completely out of her dress’s plunging neckline.

“Oh my God,” Jenny whispered, her eyes going wide.

“Right,” Vanessa said casually, pulling her dress back over herself. “I’d better be… very careful tonight.”

“Really?” Stacy said skeptically.

“Nah, I’m gonna dance the night away like crazy, wardrobe malfunctions be damned.”

The song ended, and in the brief moment of silence that followed, someone could be heard bellowing “Gitchee Gitchee Goo!”

Phineas cleared his throat and spoke into the microphone. “Sorry, but our playlist is already set. This’ll turn into a circus if we take requests. Besides which, we vowed never to play that song again. Three, two, one…”

They launched into “Godzilla”.

Chapter Text

Later on, Candace and Stacy lurked around the edges of the dance floor, taking a break and enjoying some punch and cake.

“I didn’t get too sweaty from dancing, did I?” Candace asked.

“Only in a good way. You’re positively glistening.”

“Hm. Okay, I’ll take your word for it.”

Stacy rubbed Candace’s shoulder affectionately. “How’s your anticipation going? Think you can make it through the rest of the dance?”

“I’m a little twitchy,” Candace admitted. “But, you know, it doesn’t have to be all about sex. This is a killer party.”

“I can’t imagine what it’d be like, anticipating this for months,” Stacy admitted. “My first time was a lot more spontaneous. You must be, like…”

“Stacy. Calm yourself. I set this date a couple of months ago, ergo I can wait a few more hours. It’s not all about the sex. There’s also the crowning of the royalty, and, er, this sick playlist my brothers whipped up. Come on.”

“Well, hard to counter an argument that uses the word ‘ergo’.” Stacy shifted on her feet for a moment, staring deeply into her punch. “You know, we really should be allowed to drink alcohol. Who needs their nerves calmed more than horny teens? All these cakes and sugary drinks, they’re just making us more jittery.”

“I, er, don’t know if I can endorse that sentiment. You all right, Stace?”

“…I’m gonna have trouble waiting a few more hours for sex. Vanessa’s boobs are so wow right now and she’s really getting into the music, gyrating all over the place. I’m soaking wet.”

Candace giggled and kissed Stacy on the cheek. “I’m happy to hear it. Keep it together, girl. You’re sleeping with a homecoming princess tonight, guaranteed. She’s got this in the bag way more than me and Jeremy do.”

“Mmff, I’m just having such a hard time waiting,” Stacy muttered. “Does the snack bar have any, like… corn flakes or something? Those are supposed to kill the libido, right? Maybe we should Google it. Something I can eat to calm down my libido for a few hours…”

“Well, I don’t know anything about—” Candace froze, immediately setting aside her drink and plate. “No way.”

“What’s up?”

“I just saw someone leaving the room. Someone… familiar. Come on.”

“Uh, what?”

“I mean it. Hurry.”

Candace led Stacy to the gym doors, into the halls of the school. They were empty, lit but darker than they would have been during a school day.

“She must be heading for the front doors,” said Candace. “This way…”

“She?” Stacy said uneasily. “Who?”

“If it’s who I think it is…” Candace muttered. “And if it’s not, I’ll look like a maniac for chasing her down, but I’m sure. Come on.”

“Gosh, the school halls are kind of eerie when they’re empty… and not completely lit,” said Stacy, looking around nervously, scoping out every possible direction. “Did Lisa see us leave the gym? It doesn’t get any more ‘alone in the halls’ than this.”

“I’m sure Lisa is as preoccupied by the homecoming dance as everyone else. I saw her. Just… hangin’ around. Let me tell you, if we were on speaking terms, I would have complimented her on her dress. Excellent décolletage.”

“What’s décolletage?”

“You know… a neckline that’s low and really wide, shows cleavage and lots of boob…”

“Well, why didn’t you just say that?”

“Because there’s a word for it. It’s décolletage.”

“Clearly not an English word…”

They rounded the corner into the school’s entrance hall, where they could see a small figure about to push open the front doors. Like Candace, the figure was red-haired and wearing a purple dress, hers a pale lavender, and wore a white lily in her hair.

“Amanda?” Candace called.

The figure hesitated, and turned back to her, looking shocked and uneasy. “Wait, what? You know who I am?”

Candace grinned as she continued to approach. “Then I’m right. You are Amanda?”

“Yeah, I’m… I’m Amanda.”

“My daughter from the future?”

Amanda shivered before responding. “Well, yeah, but how do you know that? I haven’t been born yet. Have I?”

“No, sweetie,” Candace chuckled. “But I visited the future once, and met you briefly.”

“I’ve never met you,” Amanda said cautiously. “Or… a past you.”

Candace shrugged. “Some other timeline’s version of you, then. Phineas says that now that we know about that future, there’s no possible way for us to behave in exactly the right way to make it exactly our future, so… it’s an alternate timeline now. And I guess you’ve come from… yet another. Either way, it’s… it’s good to see you again.”

Amanda rubbed her arms uncomfortably. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to slip in, enjoy the sights at homecoming, and then slip right out. I didn’t mean to cause a disturbance by being recognized…”

“No disturbance at all,” Candace insisted. “And of course I recognized you. Maybe it makes me a horrible stereotype of a girl, exactly as Common Sense Media once called me, but I’ve been dreaming about you my whole life and you’re… exactly as I pictured… you’re so perfect. And you’re like that in two out of two timelines I’ve seen. I like those odds.”

Amanda’s lip trembled. “Well, I didn’t expect that, but I’m glad you spotted me, because… I could really use my mom right now.” She jumped into Candace’s arms and started sobbing.

“Shh… it’s okay…” Candace whispered. “Mama’s here, Mama’s got you.” She turned to Stacy, eyeing her sheepishly over Amanda’s shoulder. “Is this weird? Am I being weird?”

“The situation is weird, you’re doing great,” Stacy assured her.

They parted from the hug, but Candace kept her hands on Amanda’s shoulders. “It’s so good to meet you. It’s like a dream.” She turned to Stacy. “Look… she has Jeremy’s nose.”

“Aw, she so does,” Stacy giggled.

“Do I?” said Amanda, bringing a hand up to her nose.

“Jeremy’s your dad, right?” Candace said sharply, her eyes suddenly wide.

“Of course.”

“And we’re still together?”

“Uh, yeah.”

Candace hugged her again. “Mmm, that is so good to know.”

Stacy stepped closer. “Hey, Amanda, do you know me? I’m your mom’s best friend. Probably like your godmother or something. I bet you call me your aunt even though we’re not related.”

Amanda peered at her. “Vanessa?”

“Vanessa?!” Stacy demanded. “Oof, kid, you wound me. I’m Stacy.”

Amanda winced. “Sorry, Aunt Stacy. I didn’t mean to hedge. The lighting’s bad here, and, you know, all my life, you and your wife have been dressing alike and doing your makeup alike, and gallivanting all over the world, and it’s hard to tell you apart. Plus, again, the lighting.”

Stacy blinked. “Er… my wife? Vanessa? Vanessa my wife?”

“You know what, maybe I should keep my mouth shut or at least call ‘spoiler alert’ before I go blabbing stuff about the future,” Amanda muttered.

Stacy grinned. “Do I look disappointed? I’m all in.”

“Amanda, what can we do for you?” Candace said urgently. “Why are you here?”

“There was… a catastrophe,” Amanda said quietly. “Long story. I’d… rather not go into the details right now, if that’s okay. Maybe later. The result is that I was knocked back I time, or, you know, to a completely different timeline. I, um… I’ve been here for about two months. I lived in the park for a while, before someone found me and hooked me up with the homeless shelter. Not ideal, but… you know… it’s Danville. We’ve got a pretty good homeless shelter. Better than the park, which not every town can claim, I guess. I think I’m pretty lucky.”

“Oh my gosh,” Candace whimpered. “Amanda…”

“I’m fine, Mom. I, um… there was no way for me to start attending school or anything else really secure, because… you know… I haven’t been born yet… all my ID and paperwork and such was left behind in the future. When I heard homecoming was around the corner, I asked the people at the shelter if I could get cleaned up, get a dress, and drop in, and they set me up. It was nice of them. But, I don’t know, maybe I’m not in the mood.”

Candace stepped up to her and put a hand on her shoulder firmly. “Did you never think to come looking for your family?”

“Didn’t know where to look,” Amanda mumbled.

“Well, you’ve found me!” said Candace. “I’m gonna take care of you. I’m gonna take you home.”

“You don’t have to—”

“Yes, I do. I’m your mom. If I can’t give you a roof over your head, what good am I?”

Again, Amanda’s lip quivered with emotion. “Okay.”

“Your family will give you a place to stay. And your uncles? Once they’re done playing the dance tonight, they’ll find a way to transport you home. It’s what they do.”

“If I have a home to return to,” Amanda said tonelessly.

Candace hesitated. “Right. Catastrophe. We’ll… probably need some details on that eventually, but if now’s not the time, that’s okay! It’s okay. For now, why don’t we just bring you back to my place?”

“What, now?” Amanda said in alarm. “Don’t you want to see who the homecoming queen is?”

“Hm… well, not particularly, but I am a promising candidate for my year’s princess. I suppose it would be bad form not to be there to take up my crown. But… you wanted to leave.”

Amanda shook her head. “No, let’s… let’s not. The night is still young. Maybe we’ll have a good time together.”

Candace beamed. “Maybe we will. We’ll party some more, then take you home.”

“Um, Candace,” Stacy cut in, “what about… you know… Jeremy?”

“Oh my God,” Candace realized. “Right. Um… Amanda, this is a little bit awkward. I had plans for after homecoming. Your dad and I were going to sleep together for the first time.”

“Oh,” Amanda said blankly. “Oh! Well, you gotta do that. Don’t let me stand in your way.”

Candace eyed her. “We’re not planning on conceiving you tonight, honey. You won’t disappear if we don’t do it. I’m certain it doesn’t work that way.”

“That wasn’t at all my concern,” Amanda said, amused. “Look, Candace, you don’t have to give up your whole life for me. You, here and now, don’t have to be my mom.”

“That’s not what you said earlier,” said Candace. “What’s with this ‘Candace’ stuff? You call me ‘Mom’.”

“I’ve called you ‘Mom’ maybe twice…”

“And I’ve grown fond of it. I’m gonna be your mom.”

“Okay, but like, you’re not my mom yet,” Amanda said gently. “Right now you’re a teenage girl… with needs… and a plan. I know what that’s like. I’m going to have to insist you go forward with that plan.”

Candace bit her lip, wishing she could refuse, but she submitted. “Okay. You’re right, I can’t possibly drop that. We’ve been setting it up for so long. But first we’re gonna drop you off at my house! You can sleep in my room, and then get you some breakfast in the morning. We just, uh… I suppose we can’t really let on who you are and where you’re from. So, you know, be sure to call my mom ‘Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher’, although ‘Mrs. Flynn’ is acceptable in a pinch, even though it’s not entirely accurate…”

Amanda shuddered. “Agh, I can’t do that. I’m gonna screw up and call her ‘Grandma’. Because she’s my grandma. It’s… reflex. Maybe if I slip up like that we can lie out way out of it, but I don’t really want to, it’s just embarrassing and cringey…”

“Okay,” Candace said thoughtfully. “Okay. You know, though, with a girl from the future right in front of her eyes, that might be a start to proving to Mom that there’s some weird stuff going on around here. I mean, yeah, I thought maybe you could blend in, but like… you’re clearly my daughter. Just look at you. Even though we’re the same age, there’s no mistaking it.”

“You would do that?” Amanda said uneasily. “Grandma doesn’t respond well to paranormal stuff.”

“No, of course she doesn’t,” said Candace. “The ultimate goal is to make her flip out and do something about it. You know what? Not the time. I’ll find another time to prove it to her. And if we had you stay over at Jeremy’s place…”

“Same problem,” Amanda said grimly.

“Right, okay: no grandmas. Stacy, can she bunk at your place tonight?”

Stacy nodded. “I’ll take her. Vanessa and I will keep an eye on her all night while you go out and do the deed with Jeremy.”

“Thanks so much. We’re gonna take care of you, Amanda. And then after tonight we’re gonna get you home.”

“Thanks, Mom,” Amanda peeped.

Candace hugged her. “Now let’s go enjoy our homecoming.”

Chapter Text

“Tears of a rapper,” Phineas sang soulfully.

“Don’t wanna make a rapper cry then watch what you say,” Ferb intoned.

“I’m crying tears of a rapper…”

“Pouring like the bullets of my AK.”

“Gold-plated tears of a rapper…”

“These are tears of a rapper now.”

“These are diamond tears of a rapper…”

“These are the bullet-proof, twenty-four-carat gold tears… of a rapper.”

Baljeet played the last few notes of the song on his keyboard with a flourish.

“Thank you!” said Phineas. “That was ‘Hurt Feelings’ by Flight of the Conchords, whose first album recently went gold… sixteen years after its release. I think we can all be proud of ourselves for helping to celebrate such a great musical act! All right, everybody—it’s time to announce the homecoming court. Danville High has really come together this fine season, making this a time of unity and friendship. So I’ve heard, I don’t attend this school yet. But if this keeps up, I’m really looking forward to it! Thanks for having us here onstage.”

He brandished the envelope he had been handed and opened it to read the contents. “The prince and princess of the freshman class,” he announced, “are Cody Connors and Aisha Bradley.”

Cheers and applause rang out, and the crowd parted for Aisha as she triumphantly ascended the stage’s wheelchair ramp, where she met with Cody, a nondescript boy with a skinny frame and very short hair.

Attendants on the stage placed shiny plastic crowns on Aisha’s and Cody’s heads, and Aisha was given a second envelope, wheeling herself to the microphone.

“The prince and princess of the sophomore class,” she said, nerves apparent in her high voice, “are… Andy Gonzalez… and Candace Flynn.”

Candace raised a fist in triumph as she took to the stage.

“Congratulations,” she whispered to Aisha, who squeezed her hand in solidarity.

Candace received her crown, and fist-bumped Andy, a classmate she was only vaguely acquainted with. “Good game,” she told him. “Oh, this is me. Okay…”

She received her envelope and stumbled slightly as she approached the microphone, fumbling with the paper. “The prince and princess of the junior class are…” Anxiously, she produced the slip of paper without looking at it, then had to force herself to turn her gaze to the text. Instantly, she whooped with glee. “YES! Booyah! We have Jeremy Johnson and Vanessa Doofenshmirtz! WOO-HOO!”

They ascended together and were crowned. Vanessa hugged Candace lovingly, while Jeremy simply gently grazed her hand with his. The three pairs stood at attention on the stage as the whole massive room held their breaths in anticipation of the final announcement.

Vanessa opened the final envelope. “And the king and queen of your Danville High homecoming court are… Ryan Nichols and Grace Kendall.”

The student body erupted in cheers, clearly a vast majority of them getting their wish. Two students jumped for joy and eagerly made their way to the stage.

Vanessa set the envelope aside and leaned close to Candace. “Who?”

“No idea,” Candace admitted. “Just ignore them. This is our moment.”

As Ryan and Grace were crowned, their shiny plastic trinkets gold in color rather than silver, Phineas took up the microphone once again. “Congratulations to our homecoming royal court! We’d like to ask you to take center stage on the dance floor—it’s time for the royal dance.”

Candace reflexively reached for Jeremy, but turned to Phineas inquiringly. “Me with Andy?” she asked.

“Yeah, you with Andy,” he confirmed, away from the mic. “Just for a moment.”

“Okay.”

The eight royals descended the stage, and the other students gave them plenty of space as each of them faced their partner, Candace with Andy. She glanced at Jeremy, who was nervously waiting with Vanessa.

“All right,” said Phineas. “Now, nobody wants to hear my voice in a romantic number…”

Candace’s eyes instantly flickered to Isabella, who was biting her lip hard to suppress a response.

“So,” Phineas continued, “for the royal dance, we’ve brought in Danny from Love Händel to sing lead!”

Applause rang out as Danny entered from backstage and came up to the mic, which Phineas adjusted to his height. Ferb began playing a jangly melody on his guitar, and soon the rest of the band joined him in playing “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls.

Candace dutifully danced with Andy, looking out the corner of her eye at the student body gathered around, watching. Her eyes passed over Lisa, completely ignoring her. She spotted Jenny, who waved to her; Candace beamed back. Then she found what she was looking for: Stacy, hovering protectively near Amanda.

Meanwhile, Jeremy danced with Vanessa. “Boy, your eyes are getting red,” Vanessa commented. “Struggling to look me in the eye?”

“Something like that,” he said.

“Go on, you can look,” she assured him. “It’s okay, everybody else is. My breasts are spectacular.”

“They really are,” he said, allowing himself to glance down at them. “No support, I see. How are they so perky?”

“Fabulous genetics,” Vanessa chirped. “On my mom’s side, that is. Fortunately her genes kinda kicked the crap out of my dad’s.”

Candace danced close to them and snapped her fingers in Jeremy’s face. “That’s enough. Eyes back on her face, buckaroo.” He swiftly obeyed.

Vanessa giggled. “Thought you weren’t sexually attracted to other people.”

“I’m not, but I know aesthetics when I see them,” he said. “That dress really works for you.”

“It does, doesn’t it?”

As the second verse of the song fired up, Candace watched Cody jubilantly dance around Aisha, one of his hands always clasping hers tightly, very careful not to touch her chair. Aisha gazed at him with joyous admiration before grabbing his tie and pulling him into a kiss.

“Hey, I’m gonna peel off and grab Stacy,” said Vanessa.

“Yes, let’s all get back with our real partners,” Jeremy said delightedly.

Vanessa broke off from Jeremy’s embrace and pulled Stacy out of the crowd, onto the dance floor.

“Hey, Andy, can I cut in?” said Jeremy, tapping him on the shoulder.

Andy backed away from Candace, bowing elegantly. “She’s all yours.” He disappeared into the crowd.

Jeremy and Candace grasped each other’s hands and danced together. “I love you,” Candace said tenderly.

“I love you too. Congratulations, princess.”

“Pretty sure you outrank me.”

“Hey. I got something for you.” From his inside pocket, he produced a silver ring decorated with a big green jewel.

“Eeee!” Candace shrieked, covering her mouth with both hands. “You got me a ring?? You want me to wear your ring?”

“Yes,” he said simply.

Tears welled up in Candace’s eyes as she smiled widely. “Gimme it.”

He placed it on her finger, and Candace jumped in surprise as some scattered applause rang out, and she realized that much of the crowd still had their eyes on her.

Candace spread her fingers, taking a good look at the ring, and gazed deeply into Jeremy’s eyes. “Jeremy… I will always love you. I hope you know that.”

“I do,” he said warmly.

“So, what is this? Are we, like, engaged to be engaged to be engaged?”

“I was thinking this makes us engaged to be engaged.”

Candace gasped. “Wow. That’s intimate.” She looked around, seeing only two couples dancing around them now. “Hm. Where did Aisha and Cody go?”

“Er, I saw her whisper something to him,” said Jeremy. “Then he wheeled her off somewhere. She threw her hands up in the air and whooped like it was a rollercoaster ride… presumably to signal to onlookers that she totally okayed being pushed? I dunno.”

“Oh, they are hooking the fuck up,” Candace said eagerly. “I’m no historian, but that’s got to be the coolest freshman princess we’ve ever had at this school.”

Some hooting and laughter rang out. Candace followed the gaze of the onlookers to Vanessa and Stacy, who had stopped dancing and were now open-mouth kissing with a great deal of visible tongue play, Vanessa’s dress struggling to contain her. Ryan and Grace attempted to continue dancing, but were so enraptured by the display that they stopped to stare.

“I think we, as a friend group, have successfully overshadowed the king and queen,” Candace observed. “I’m into that.”

“Hell of a power play, Candace,” Jeremy said approvingly.

Chapter Text

Hours into the dance, Ferb hung around in a private backstage area, taking a small break. Vanessa poked her head into the small curtained room.

“Hey, Ferb. I was hoping to find you back here. Taking a little break?”

She approached, sitting down on a chair across from him.

“That was an excellent cover of ‘Do Ya Wanna Taste It’,” she said. “Got the whole school doing the cheesy dance from the Peacemaker theme song. You know, when I first heard that song, I assumed it was an ’80s hair metal song. Turns out it was released in 2010. That was kinda shocking. But, you know, there’s no reason you can’t form a hair metal band in that decade. If they were a hair metal band from the ’60s, that would be more remarkable. You’d be like, ‘How in the hell did they manage that?’”

She attempted to make eye contact, but his gaze was pointed downward. She sighed.

“Look, Ferb, I love my boobs almost as much as you do—wouldn’t be wearing this dress if I didn’t—but would it kill you to look me in the eye every now and then?”

He did so, and immediately looked surprised.

She chuckled. “I know, right? You had no idea my face is beautiful too, did you? My hair isn’t usually this curly, it’s just for the dance. Do you like it?”

He nodded.

“So, listen,” Vanessa murmured. “I’ve been thinking that… I owe you. An explanation, if nothing else. I’ve been putting it off, but it needs to happen. I knew the day would come that I was gonna have to Wendy this whole thing, so, now’s the time, I’m Wendying it. And when I say Wendy, I don’t mean the chick from the sushi place, or… apparently there’s another Wendy that your guy Baljeet is trying to hook up with. I’m out of the loop on what your immediate circle of friends is up to. I don’t mean to be. But, no, I’m talking about Wendy from Gravity Falls, who always knew that Dipper had a thing for her, but eventually had to tell him it wasn’t gonna work out. Because he was too young, simple as that. She had to flatly reject him in the hopes that in doing so, she wouldn’t lose the friendship that she treasured. Not in so many words, of course. She said it like Wendy. Wendy was the fucking coolest, and eloquence wasn’t exactly her way.”

She shot Ferb a quick smile, finding that he was listening intently.

“And, like… yeah. The whole time you’ve known me, I’ve had a boyfriend, or maybe two. And now I’ve got this very serious situation going on with Stacy. And… no doubt I’ve got you feeling a little betrayed. Because I kinda did string you along. Because I like having you around. I like it a lot.”

He was silent.

“I’m sorry things couldn’t work out between you and me,” she said gravely. “Honest, I am. I know you… hoped.”

“When you really love someone,” he said, “you want what’s best for them. In the uncharacteristically wise words of Philip J. Fry, ‘I want what’ll make you happy, not what’ll make me happy.’”

“He has some gems in him, that Fry,” said Vanessa. She smiled again. “So… you ‘really love’ me, huh?”

He hesitated. She crossed the room with her chair and sat next to him, ruffling his hair. “I love you too, Ferb. You’re just too cool. Sensitive, and thoughtful. And you play the guitar! A guitar makes a guy easily twice as sexy as he was before. A guy who carries a guitar around and doesn’t know how to play it can probably get laid a few times, from the guitar alone, before anybody catches on. But you, you do know how to play it. That is so hot. Just one of those things that girls find super desirable. You maybe can’t see it right now, based on tonight’s performance, because the audience isn’t in your age bracket and, well, they don’t know you like I do. You know what you should do? You should play an event at your school. All the middle school girls will be, like, flinging their training bras onto the stage at you. Girls go crazy for a guy like you—you just need to find one your own age. That… that would make me happy.”

After a pause, she leaned in and ruffled his hair again, her barely-contained breasts jiggling inches away from his face.

“So… are we good?” she asked. “Can you forgive me?”

He looked her in the eye and nodded again.

“Heh,” said Vanessa. “You’ve never made eye contact with me before. You look right into my soul. It’s… striking.” She put a hand on his. “I’m glad that, even if I’ve made a misstep here and there, I still get to be your friend. That’s a weight lifted off my chest.”

Gazing away from him, she took a deep breath in, then let it out in an expression of deep relief, which made her breasts once again bounce right out of her dress.

“Oops,” she said unconvincingly, a cheeky smirk playing on her lips.

She ran her hands up the sides of her dress, as if to adjust it to cover herself again, but then she didn’t do so, keeping herself exposed, her hands just pointlessly gliding up and down her dress and body. Ferb stared raptly at her bared nipples for nearly a minute before she finally adjusted the dress, concealing them away, and stood up.

“Get a good look?” she teased. “Will that stick in your memory? Something you can look back on fondly?”

He nodded eagerly.

“Good. Never let it be said that I’ve never done anything for you.” She winked.

Ferb exhaled, having been inadvertently holding his breath since they had popped out. “Wendy never did that for Dipper,” he marveled.

“Oh, I’m sure she did,” Vanessa said flippantly. “Off-camera, where the Disney Channel censors couldn’t stop her. I think any girl who truly treasured the friendship of a guy who had a crush on her, would have the decency to make their peace offering in… that way. Any friend who’s truly worth your time and affection deserves to see boobs. That’s just my opinion, though. Don’t quote me on it or anything. Maybe don’t expect the same treatment from the next older girl you start pursuing. Anyway, how do I look?”

He gave her a thumbs up.

“Then let’s get back to business,” said Vanessa, theatrically adjusting her breasts. “Time to return to Stacy, my soulmate, whom I love and adore. I’ll catch you later, good buddy.”

Chapter Text

Once again, Stacy and Candace lurked at the edge of the gym, snacking on stuff from the buffet table, this time lounging in chairs and accompanied by Amanda, chatting idly.

“I love a sloppy joe,” Stacy commented, examining hers. “But I’m not much for sloppy eating. I wonder if you can get that flavor without, you know, the sloppiness.”

“I guess that’d be… a hamburger,” said Candace. “But with the sauce? The sauce would still be sloppy, I think.”

“Do you think I could talk to the boys about that? A non-sloppy sloppy joe?”

“I think they could knock that out in their sleep.”

Meanwhile, Amanda was gazing off into the distance. “You two ever find yourself suddenly wanting to do it with a guy you previously knew as a wrinkled old has-been?”

They hesitated, giving the question some serious thought.

“You know, I think we do know what what’s like,” said Stacy. “Candace, do you remember that time we stayed up late watching TV and caught a showing of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid?”

“Oh, God, yes,” said Candace, exaggeratedly rolling her eyes back into her head. “Young Paul Newman was soooo fuckable. Those clear blue eyes…”

“I was more into Redford,” Stacy said fondly. “He was just so… yummy. And rugged. Mmmmm.”

“Mm-hmm,” Candace agreed. “I could see that.”

“And that works out, you know, ’cause I’ve always kind of seen myself as the Sundance to your Butch.”

“Aw, Stace.”

“Now, that’s not to say Paul Newman and Robert Redford were ever has-beens,” Stacy said thoughtfully. “But, you know, they did get old. And you didn’t see them around so much, near the end…”

“Why, um, why do you ask?” said Candace.

“Oh, no reason,” Amanda said absently.

Candace followed her gaze to a solitary table in the corner of the room, where Danny was keeping to himself and enjoying a meal.

“Ew,” Candace said reflexively. “Danny? Really? He is a has-been. His prime ended when my mom and dad first got together.”

“All right, granted, I’m just saying he’s a lot younger and hotter here and now than he is in my time.”

“Fair enough,” said Candace. “Love Händel keeps going well into the future, then?”

“They sure do. Grandma and Grandpa are obsessed with them, taught me all about them—still follow them religiously.”

“As it should be.”

Stacy squirmed uneasily in her seat.

“Stace, you wanna maybe ask Vanessa to take you out back for a quickie or something?” Candace whispered to her.

“No way, dude,” she said firmly. “This is a special occasion. A night to make sweet, passionate love right at the end. Not to bang out a quick one just to tide me over. That’s what we do on ordinary school days. This is different.”

Candace shrugged. “Suit yourself. I suppose I pretty much agree. It’s our big night.”

Amanda eyed them, having heard that brief exchange despite their efforts. “Okay, I’ve tried to keep this to myself, but I have to ask: why are you two so busty? When you first approached me, I wondered for a moment if I’d stumbled into some sort of, I don’t know… porn universe? But no, I’m looking around, and nothing else seems pornier than it should be, it’s just… you two have way bigger boobs than you did in my timeline, from what I’ve seen of… pictures and stuff… from when you were young. So what gives?”

“I might have known that was the big point of divergence for our timeline,” Stacy said grimly. “It was, maybe, a bit… uncharacteristic… to what came before…”

“Yeah,” said Candace. “Yeah, I guess it’s something that just happened in this timeline.”

“What is?” Amanda demanded.

Candace sighed, and slouched ashamedly. “Until the last week of summer, your Aunt Stacy and I were completely flat. We were scared and nervous about going back to school that way, so, after a bit of toying with the idea of wearing stuffed bras, we had Phineas and Ferb make us a machine that could modify our DNA to change our physical bodies however we wanted. What we wanted being bigger boobs.”

“Also killer hips!” Stacy said brightly. “We made sure to include a decent waist-to-hip ratio to match those boobs. Get the full figure, you know?”

“I see,” said Amanda.

“Jenny used it too,” Stacy added, “she just didn’t go overboard with it the way we did.”

Candace stayed silent for a moment. “Am I the weakest of all possible Candaces?” she wondered. “Were the rest of them just… able to live with themselves?”

“Hey, hey, don’t worry about it, Mom,” Amanda assured her. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Like… I get it. I’d probably be tempted to do the same, if I’d ever thought it was an option.” She indicated her own chest, which was nearly as flat as Candace’s had been for most of the summer.

“You don’t have to…” Candace began reflexively, but couldn’t finish the sentence. “But I did, of course. I don’t really know what the moral of the story is there.”

“Does it need a moral?”

“I’m your mom. I feel like stories about my life should include some wisdom.”

“Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman?” Amanda suggested.

“Something like that, yes.”

“Don’t mess with the fundamental forces of nature, unless it turns out you can totally do that with no negative repercussions, in which case, fuckin’ go for it?”

“Right, the Frankenweenie moral,” said Candace. “If somebody had become addicted to DNA modifications, I might say there was a problem, but, as far as I know, everybody who’s used it is perfectly happy with how they turned out.”

“Anyway, looks like everything’s kinda winding down,” Stacy noted.

“Yeah,” said Amanda. “It’s been a long day. I’m getting tired.”

“So I guess this is where we part ways for the night,” said Candace.

“Yeah,” said Stacy. “I’ll take Amanda home and… you go off with Jeremy.”

The three of them stood up and slowly made their way to the exit. Phineas and the others were playing soft and mellow songs to a slowly emptying dance floor; Candace caught his eye as she passed, and he nodded to her knowingly.

Amanda gave Candace a gentle hug. “Good luck, Mom. Have fun losing your virginity.”

“Thanks, Amanda,” she said, patting her back. “Um… listen… from mother to daughter, I don’t want to influence you into believing in a concept as toxic as ‘virginity’. I just use the word because it’s a simple shorthand, but I don’t really… believe in it. Like, yeah, it’s going to be my first time having sex, and that’s a big deal, but it doesn’t have to define the rest of my life.”

“I, uh… yeah,” said Amanda. “I get that. I get what you’re saying.”

“Okay, good,” said Candace. “I have every intention of spending the rest of my life with him, but… if you don’t do that with the person who takes your virginity, you know, that’s not a failure, you’re not ‘defiled’ or whatever. Sometimes a girl’s first time is just with some guy who doesn’t have to be anything more than that.”

“I know, Mom.”

“Besides which, we have pleasured each other orally in recent days. Some girls say that doesn’t count, but those girls are always looked upon with disbelief and pity for how ignorant and naïve they are because, come on, it counts.”

“It does, yes,” Amanda agreed.

“So… yeah,” Candace concluded.

“Please don’t feel like you have to keep passing wisdom on to me,” Amanda said with wry smile. “We’re about the same age. I don’t have those kinds of expectations for you.”

“No, I can do it,” Candace insisted. “Jeremy says I’m very maternal.”

Amanda hugged her again. “Well, go get him, then. And, er, maybe don’t mention me to him until you’re good and done? I wouldn’t want to distract him. Tonight needs to be all about you guys.”

“You’re too kind. Okay, I’ll keep it under my hat.” She tapped her plastic tiara.

“You got this,” said Amanda.

“I really, really do,” Candace agreed, squeezing her tight before breaking off the hug. “See you tomorrow, Amanda. We’re gonna get you taken care of.”

She ran to Jeremy, waiting for her at the gym doors.

“Yeah… I almost believe you really can,” Amanda muttered.

“So, listen, kiddo…” Stacy said casually.

“Yes, Aunt Stacy, I will go to bed early so you can fool around with Aunt Vanessa.”

“You’re a peach.”

~0~0~0~

Stacy approached a car marked with the logo of Danville’s homeless shelter and knocked on the window. It rolled down, revealing two uniformed workers, a man and a woman.

“Hi,” said Stacy. “Are you here to pick up Amanda Johnson?”

“Yeah,” said the main, looking over Stacy’s shoulder to where Amanda was standing with Vanessa, several yards away. “How’s she doing?”

“She’s doing great,” said Stacy. “Actually, my girlfriend and I really hit it off with her and we were wondering if you could let us bring her over to my place for a sleepover? Just… give her a little change of scenery, you know?”

The woman looked touched. “That… that would be nice.”

“Can we? Thanks so much.” She handed the man a scrap of paper. “My number if you need to check in.”

He wrote something down and gave her a little piece of paper in return. “Call us if anything goes wrong.”

Stacy took it and did a little dance of joy. “Thank you, thank you, thank you. She’s a great girl and we’re gonna take care of her.”

The woman beamed. “I’m glad this worked out for her.”

Stacy returned to Amanda and Vanessa. “Okay, we’re in the clear! Those nice people are willing to trust me. I guess I look like I’m a little young to be a kidnapper, which, yes, yes I am. Are you two good to walk back to my place?”

“I’m all for it, babe,” said Vanessa, stretching her shoulders. “One final hike in these heels and it’ll really hit the spot when we take ’em off.”

“Look, there they go,” Amanda said softly.

They followed her gaze to where the Nedlington Nymph was driving off.

“Oh my God!” Stacy squeaked. “There they go. They’re finally gonna make love! It kinda felt like this day would never arrive. I hope they have enough condoms.”

“They have a whole box,” Vanessa reminded her.

“I don’t… I don’t know how many you go through, during… I’ve never…”

“They’ll be fine,” said Vanessa, hugging Stacy from behind. “Put her out of your mind for now. She’ll call us when she’s done and we’ll get the whole story.”

“Yeah, we will,” Stacy said wistfully, watching the car disappear into the distance.

“Where are they going?” Amanda wondered.

“Oh, you know how it goes,” said Vanessa. “Every town has a secluded little hillside known colloquially as ‘Make-Out Point’ where all the high school kids park their cars so they can hook up. In Danville, it’s… in that direction.”

“Ah,” Amanda said awkwardly. “Didn’t know that. It’s probably still there in my time, but I’ve never dated anybody who was old enough to have a driver’s license.” She thought for a moment. “They can put the top up on that car, right? They’re not just gonna be open-air dogging?”

“Maybe don’t overthink your parents having sex?” Vanessa suggested. “I know I wouldn’t.”

Stacy put an arm around Amanda. “Come on, Amanda. Let’s get you to bed.”

Chapter Text

“Well, here we are,” said Stacy, gesturing around at her own living room. “Looks like I’ve got the whole place to myself, as usual. Anything we can do for you, Amanda?”

“No,” she said quietly, immediately slipping her feet out of her high-heeled shoes. “I just want to go to sleep.”

“Sure thing,” said Stacy, beckoning her into the hallway. “You can have my bed for the night.”

“You’re really generous to take me in like this, Aunt Stacy,” Amanda muttered.

“Don’t even mention it. Just don’t forget who your cool aunt is. It’s me, right? Or is it Vanessa?”

“Well, you’re both cool,” said Amanda, managing a smile. “But I guess you’re more like… the sweet one?”

“Works for me!” Stacy said jovially. “Let’s get you on in here…” She opened her bedroom door and grandly swept into it with a welcoming hand. “My room! Dresser’s over here, looks like my pajamas should fit you, just… wear whatever you want. What’s mine is yours.”

“Thanks,” said Amanda. “Um… one thing…”

“Yes?”

“Do you have any… overnight pads?”

“Oh! Totally. Bathroom’s right across the hall, products are under the sink.”

“Okay,” said Amanda, glancing at the bathroom door. “I’ll, um… I’ll take it from here, then.”

“Okay,” said Stacy. “We’ll be here if you need anything.”

Amanda nodded. “I’ll let you know. I expect I’m just gonna zonk right out.”

“All right.” Stacy kissed Amanda’s forehead. “Have a good night, sweetie.”

“Goodnight,” she whispered back. “Goodnight, Aunt Vanessa.”

“Goodnight, kiddo,” said Vanessa.

“So, um… yeah. Bathroom.”

“Right,” said Stacy.

They stepped aside and Amanda entered the bathroom, shutting herself within it quietly.

“Hell of a turn of events here, huh?” said Vanessa.

“Well, at least now we know what we’re doing after homecoming,” Stacy said brightly. “We gotta get her back home.”

“Candace’s daughter,” Vanessa marveled. “Didn’t see that coming.”

“Our niece,” Stacy said sweetly.

“Right,” said Vanessa. “Because you and I get married in the future.”

“Evidently so,” said Stacy. “Not what you had in mind?”

Vanessa hesitated for a moment. “Look, I love you. And I want to be with you pretty much forever. I’m apprehensive that it might happen just because it’s destiny or something. It raises questions of free will. I prefer doing things my way.”

“I don’t think it works that way, babe,” said Stacy. “Phineas explained it when we discussed the version of Candace’s future that she saw. It’s hard to wrap my mind around, but it’s like… assuming Amanda came from the future of this timeline—and she hasn’t told us much, but it sounds like that might not be the case—even if that were the case, she’s not from our future anymore. Because we’re aware of the future she comes from, and so… that changes the future.”

“Huh,” Vanessa remarked.

“So if you and I end up together forever, that… will always be of our own free will.”

“Hm. Well, that’s reassuring.”

“It does raise the question of how we’re going to get Amanda back home if the future has changed…”

“I think we have to face the fact we really don’t know how this works,” said Vanessa, shrugging. “Why don’t we let Phineas and Ferb do the speculating, once they’re informed of this whole thing?”

“Sounds good,” said Stacy. “Were you… really considering not being with me? Just because you didn’t want to do what destiny says?”

Vanessa bit her lip apologetically. “I’m a rebel at heart. It’s a reflex. I don’t like being told what to do. But no, we’re good. Nobody told me I need to be with you. And that’s why I need you so badly.”

Stacy immediately grabbed at Vanessa’s dress, exposing her breasts, and started fondling them. “It’s been so hard not doing this all night,” she said thirstily. “These beautiful tits have just been hangin’ out, begging me to touch them…”

Vanessa gave a little hum of pleasure as Stacy gently rolled her nipples between her fingers. They froze up as the bathroom door opened.

“Goodnight, guys,” Amanda said sleepily.

“Goodnight, sweetheart,” Stacy said uneasily, her hands unmoving.

Amanda acted as if she saw nothing, disappearing into Stacy’s bedroom. Relieved, Stacy jumped into Vanessa’s arms and began smooching her passionately.

“If she’s right and she’ll just go straight to sleep, I need you now,” Stacy gasped.

“No arguments here,” said Vanessa. “It’s been a thrilling night and I’m so horny.”

“And I want to wrap it up before we get that call from Candace,” Stacy said eagerly. “Seems my bed is taken, so, sorry that didn’t pan out…”

“These things happen,” Vanessa said casually. “How about we head to the living room couch, where we had our first time?”

“You know what? Even better.”

They ran to the living room, stepping out of their shoes as they did and dropping their dresses to the floor as they reached the couch. Vanessa immediately unclasped Stacy’s bra and tossed it aside, then pushed her over, where she landed on the couch, giggling wildly.

She gazed up at Vanessa, who unsurprisingly had been wearing nothing at all under her dress, and stood over her completely naked except for her plastic tiara. “Happy homecoming, babe,” Vanessa gushed.

“My princess,” Stacy replied seductively, slipping her panties off as quickly as she could. Vanessa dove onto her.

Chapter Text

Stacy and Vanessa snoozed on the couch. They had cuddled under a blanket before drifting off, but by now it had slipped down as they slept, leaving them bare-breasted.

Stacy’s phone began to ring, and she snorted and jerked awake. “What? Oh my God, it’s them. Grab it…”

She fumbled with her phone on the coffee table and pulled the blanket up over her chest, answering the video call. “Hey!”

Candace and Jeremy appeared onscreen, still in the backseat of the Nymph. Candace’s makeup was smeared and her hair an absolute disaster, her dress only half on, while Jeremy’s white shirt was soaked with sweat.

“Heyyyy, Stacy,” Candace gushed.

“Wow,” Stacy remarked. “You must have… what kept you? Does it really take”—she swiped on her phone’s screen, checking the time—“two and half hours to have sex with a boy? We’ve been worried. Until we dozed off, that is…”

“It takes two and a half hours to have sex with a boy five times,” Candace said smugly.

“Five… five times? Is that even possible?”

“Apparently.”

“So, once every half-hour?” said Vanessa. “I guess that adds up, from what I’ve heard about the time boys need to recharge… but five times in one night? I’ve never heard of such a thing.”

“It wasn’t evenly once every half-hour,” said Candace. “The recharge took longer each time. Quick at first, then slower and slower…”

“And, uh, yeah,” said Jeremy, his voice croaking and raspy. “May I just say… if you ever intend to have sex five times in one night again… maybe don’t? I don’t think I can do that again in… in this lifetime.”

Stacy scanned his face, which looked weak and tired. “My God, Jeremy, you look like hell.”

“And yet I feel like a total stud,” he blustered with a crooked smile.

Candace cackled. “But yeah, we’re pretty wiped out… woozy… we should have brought some food and water, that was a bad oversight. We’ve pretty much sweated out all the salt and liquid in our bodies.”

“Sounds like you’re in no condition to drive home,” said Vanessa. “Want me to come get you?”

“How?” said Stacy. “We walked here.”

Vanessa brushed her hair aside and pointed to the ruby earrings she was wearing. “All my earrings are equipped with a homing device. Just a little safety feature my dad insists on. I can summon my scooter to my location, then I’ll drive it to Make-Out Point and… leave it there, I suppose? And I’ll drive you both home in the Nymph. We’ll get some drive-thru on the way, to recharge your batteries. Then I’ll call my scooter again and drive myself home.”

“Actually, I think we can probably stick your scooter in the trunk,” Candace advised. “Phineas and Ferb really tricked out the car, so I’m pretty sure the trunk is bigger on the inside. Extradimensional and stuff.”

“Great,” said Vanessa. “We’ll figure out the logistics when I get there. I’m on my way.” She pressed her earrings, which beeped loudly, and stood up and walked over to her discarded dress.

“Aw, man,” Stacy whispered, running her eyes all over Vanessa’s bare back and butt. “That’s always the worst moment of my whole day.”

“The moment Vanessa has to leave?” Jeremy said sympathetically.

“No, the moment before that when she has to get dressed. She looks so good naked, you guys. Like, I know you’ve seen her boobs pop out, but I’ve seen the whole package and it’s just delightful. I’m looking at her butt right now, and it’s… mmm! And now she’s putting her dress back on and I’m sad.”

“Aw, poor Stacy,” Candace said playfully. “Isn’t it better to undress her, though, than to have her be naked all the time?”

“I suppose it is.”

Vanessa, back in her dress, leaned back into the frame with Stacy. “I’ll be right there, guys,” she said. “Stacy, I guess this is it for tonight. I’ll see you later. I love you.”

“Love you too, b—” Stacy began, before swiftly being silenced by Vanessa abruptly kissing her, plunging her tongue into her mouth. Stacy savored that for a few moments before they parted. “I love you so much,” Stacy finished. “Could you hand me my bra? I don’t want to be completely naked for this conversation.”

Vanessa walked a few steps, picked the bra up off the floor, and tossed it to her.

“Excuse me for a moment, you guys,” said Stacy. She set the phone aside to put her bra back on, and bundled the blanket around her naked lower half. At the same time, Vanessa slipped her heels on and left the house.

Stacy brought the phone back to her face. “So, what are we waiting for? Tell me everything.”

“Okay!” Candace said eagerly. “Let’s see, where to begin? Well, I’ll spare you the details of the foreplay we engaged in when we first parked. It would probably turn you on and distract you from the rest of the story.”

“You know me so well, question mark?” Stacy said dryly.

“And I’ll also spare you the details of our first few attempts at putting on a condom,” Candace went on. “Turns out, we weren’t entirely clear on the details, but we got there eventually.”

“Candace’s mom warned us that a little bit of lube goes a long way,” Jeremy mused, “but we weren’t prepared for just how true that is.”

“So, I’ll skip ahead to the penetration, shall I?” Candace said brightly.

“By all means,” said Stacy.

“Well, my body kind of went into defense mode when said penetration first began,” said Candace. “So we took it slow at first. I was on my back in the backseat, while he slowly entered from above, a little bit at a time, a fraction of an inch every few minutes. Oh, Stacy, my head was spinning the whole time. The sensation was like nothing I’ve ever experienced and just got more and more intense as it went. And when he was finally all the way in, well, I said three little words that sealed the deal.”

Stacy giggled. “What words?”

“Guess,” Candace teased.

“I couldn’t possibly. Three little words? Well, that’s usually ‘I love you’, but I know you guys have told each other that loads of times before.”

“Nope, it wasn’t that, although I did say ‘I love you’ over and over again at a later point, I think it was during the second time, when I was being railed real good… but I’m getting ahead of myself. Jeremy, fill her in, tell her this moment from your perspective.”

“Hmm?” he said, still looking somewhat dazed. “Oh, sure. Well, yeah, this story begins in a very special place… as deep inside Candace as I could possibly get. Great place to be, I hope a lot of other stories begin there in the future. Anyway, when I got to that point… I realized she’d stopped verbally encouraging me to keep going… so I looked down at her face, and I couldn’t make any sense of her expression. Was it pleasure? Pain? Why wasn’t she saying anything? I was suddenly very nervous. So I asked her if she was okay, and she… heh… she grabbed me by the shoulders, gripping really hard, pulled me close so she could whisper in my ear, and, if memory serves, those ‘three little words’ she’s talking about… a gentle whimper, a desperate plea… were ‘please fuck me’.”

Stacy squealed gleefully. “Fuck, Candace, that’s fuckin’ hot as fuck!”

“Eloquently put,” Candace giggled. “Unfortunately, it may have been a little too hot, because saying that made him ejaculate, right that moment, so he didn’t exactly get a chance to oblige me just then.”

“Oh dear.”

“Yeah,” Candace said grimly. “I, uh, I’m a little ashamed of this next part. When I realized what happened, when I realized I wasn’t going to get fucked right at that minute, I got mad. I complained, a lot. And I was so frustrated that I started going to town on myself with my fingers… and then I came, and you know how it is, when you come and suddenly you realize, ‘oh, snap, that thing I was fantasizing about was kind of gross, actually…’”

“Ah, yes,” said Stacy. “The clarity.”

“So, yeah, it was like that, except I realized I was being a jerk, and I apologized, and we were cool, and, hey, watching me touch myself, even if I was being a jerk about it, helped him get hard again. So we brought out another condom, he got on top of me, and we went for it again.”

“Okay, good.”

“So… the first time didn’t entirely work out, but I do count it as the first time, because he was fully inside me, and it did feel pretty good, and we did both climax even if not under ideal circumstances. The second time… the second time it went right. No one can deny we really made love the second time.”

“Aww, you guys!”

“Wasn’t perfect, but I wasn’t expecting it to be perfect,” said Candace. “It was still amazing.”

“It truly was,” Jeremy agreed, pulling Candace close and leaning on her shoulder.

“What happened next?” Stacy said eagerly. “Three more times?”

“Yes!” said Candace. “Yes, there’s not much story after that. We’d just talk, and snuggle, and kiss and fondle each other, until he was ready to go again, and… we went again. And for those three times, I was on top.”

“Oh my.”

“Yup! They call it ‘cowgirl’, but I felt more like a queen. In total control.”

“Yeah…” Jeremy said sadly.

Candace pouted at him sympathetically before turning back to Stacy. “Jeremy is admittedly feeling a little down that I had to touch myself during and after sex. That he couldn’t pleasure me from penetration alone…”

“Oh my God, Jeremy, that’s totally normal,” Stacy said quickly. “Most girls aren’t satisfied by just penetration. Most of the sensation is… on the external part, especially if a girl’s accustomed to touching herself.”

“Didn’t know that,” he muttered. “Thought I was doing something wrong.”

“A lot of people don’t know that,” said Stacy, shrugging. “That’s why a lot of girls are never satisfied. Penetration is nice, mind you, but most pleasure is… clitoral.”

Jeremy blinked at her slowly. “How would you…?”

“Obviously I own a dildo, Jeremy. So, yes, can confirm, penetration is thrilling but you do have to touch yourself during. And I told Candace as much, so I think she expected it.”

“I did, yeah,” Candace admitted. “I probably should have tried to mention that up-front, but I didn’t know how. Stacy bought me a dildo that day too, in return for the vibrator I got her. I haven’t used it yet, I wanted to do this first.”

“You’ll adapt,” Stacy said encouragingly. “To each other, as you get more accustomed to being with each other instead of, you know, flying solo. So… basically, keep fucking each other and you’ll get better at it. Most obvious statement of the night, I know.”

“If we must,” Jeremy said dramatically.

“I’m just so happy this finally happened,” Stacy said gleefully. “It’s been in the works a long time. Candace has been wanting to have sex with you since the fifth grade.”

“Really? Fifth grade?”

“That’s not entirely accurate,” Candace chuckled. “I’ve been talking about it since the fifth grade, because that’s when the school system really fills you in on exactly what sex is, so I figured, ‘okay, that’s what I’ll be doing with Jeremy’ since, hey, stop me if I’ve mentioned this before: I’ve had a crush on you pretty much my entire life. Actually wanting to have sex with you, that was more… early seventh grade… maybe the summer before. Okay, maybe late sixth. I definitely didn’t want sex in fifth grade, is all I’m saying. It was definitely at least a year after I… fully realized it was a possibility.”

“Well, I’m sorry you had to wait your entire life for this to finally happen, Princess.”

“I forgive you, Your Highness. As far as I’m concerned, this is exactly how it was meant to be.” They kissed, and Candace glanced at Stacy on the phone screen before asking, “Hey, Jeremy, could you do me a favor? Could you gather up all our used condoms and wrappers and stuff, and toss them over there in yonder trash receptacle before Vanessa gets here?”

“Of course,” he said. “Gotta make the car presentable for our guest…”

He gathered up the trash and left the car. Candace watched him, then leaned in close to the phone. “How’s the girl?” she said urgently.

“The girl’s doing fine,” Stacy assured her. “I’ve only checked on her once, but it looks like she’s doing what she said she would do: just sleeping like a log.”

“Yeah? I guess she’s been through some stuff. Needs to sleep it off…”

“Uh-huh.”

“Well, anyway, let’s not make this all about me and my thing. How was the sex you had this evening?”

“Oh my God, I’m so glad you asked,” Stacy said eagerly. “Spectacular. Vanessa was so full of energy tonight. I think all the stares she got for her ridiculous neckline really fired her up. She fingered me like a harp. At one point it felt so good I cried. I think I passed out once. In short… I came so hard, so much. I tried to keep up with her, but I think I might have to accept that I just… can’t.”

“Wow,” said Candace, as Jeremy reentered the car. “At some point—not now, but later—you’re gonna have to tell me specifically what she did to you to make that happen, ’cause I want Jeremy to do that to me. I wanna come so hard I pass out, that sounds fantastic.”

“I’ll do my best to describe it.”

A single headlight pierced the darkness, and Candace peered carefully at its source. “Oop, that’s Vanessa,” she said. “We’ll see you tomorrow, Stace, and we’ll… we’ll take care of the thing.”

“Yeah,” Stacy agreed. “I’m sure the boys can handle it. I’m so, so happy for you two.”

She hung up, right as Vanessa in her homecoming dress dismounted her scooter beside them and knocked on the window. “Stay right where you are,” she said. “I’ll be your chauffeur for the evening, so you guys just stay there in the backseat. Let me check the trunk space you’ve got back here…”

She disappeared into the darkness and they could hear her opening the trunk.

“Oh, yeah, there’s space for my scooter,” she remarked. “I can… oh! Yes, thank you.”

The distinctive sound rang out of a pair of robotic arms reaching out and lifting her scooter, pulling it into the trunk, which snapped shut again.

“Sweet,” Vanessa remarked. She slipped into the driver’s seat and eyed them in the rearview mirror. “Looking good, my fellow royals. Mm, smells like water-based lube in here. Is that a pleasant smell? Can’t say for sure. But it’s what we smell when we’re having great sex, so the human brain quickly learns to like it.”

“True dat,” Candace said slyly. “I’m sure next time I open this bottle, the scent is gonna really fire me up. I, er, didn’t think you would be familiar with that scent.”

“I use it alone, mostly,” she said, adjusting the mirror. “Stacy brings it now and then. It’s… fun. She’s always trying to mix things up. Seems to think I find her boring. Maaaybe I envy her for consistently having twice as many orgasms as I do, but it’s still fun. And she’s well aware of the situation and always working to improve.” She sighed fondly, staring off into the darkness. “Anyway, yeah, Stacy’s a fox, and you two… this is the start of an incredible journey for you.” She started the car. “Tell me where you want to eat. At this hour there should still be a few cheap places open.”

~0~0~0~

A few minutes later, Jeremy and Candace voraciously devoured fast food burgers as Vanessa headed for their neighborhood.

“You guys must have really gone at it,” she observed.

“Of course,” said Candace. “We’ve had this on the agenda for months. I for one was… ravenous. Sexually, I mean. Not for these burgers. Though I am that too.”

Vanessa nodded. “Had to do it five times, apparently.”

“Sure did. So, Jeremy, I know you need some time to rest and recover, I’m sure I do too, but I have a feeling that the future holds… you needing to keep tabs on a completely insatiable girlfriend. It’s a massive responsibility.”

“I’m up for it, Candace,” he said, wiping his mouth. “I’m a lucky, lucky guy.”

Vanessa suddenly smirked and brandished her phone. “Would you say the last time was more or less than thirty minutes ago?”

“Um… less, I suppose,” said Candace. “We called you guys pretty quick after realizing the fifth time was definitely gonna be the last.”

“Then according to the song itself, you’re qualified,” said Vanessa, hitting the play button.

A song fired up, and Candace grinned, immediately realizing what was going on as the voice of Andy Samberg declared, “Sometimes, somethin’ beautiful happens in this world… you don’t know how to express yourself, so… you just gotta sing!”

All three of them sang along as Akon launched into the chorus: “I just had sex / And it felt so good / A woman let me put my penis inside of her / I just had sex / And I’ll never go back / To the not-havin’-sex ways of the past!”

Candace dissolved into giggles as Samberg began to rap the first verse. “Oh, man, that’s a good song,” she said. “Phineas should have put that on the playlist.”

“Should he have, though?” Jeremy said in alarm.

“Well, he loves mixing novelty songs in with serious ones. That was a whole thing. And it’s got such a sweet hook…”

“Yeah, but I don’t think any amount of censoring could get the content of the song past the school faculty.”

“Oh, right.”

They jammed along for a moment, until Vanessa turned the volume down so they could talk. “So, Candace, how’s your cervix holding up?”

Her face brightened. “Oh, my cervix took a beating! Thanks so much for asking.” They both giggled deviously.

“W… what’s that about your cervix?” Jeremy said blankly.

“The cervix, some girls call it the core, it’s kind of this barrier between the vagina and the uterus,” Candace explained. “It’s a few inches in, so most guys, they can’t reach it. But you hammered into mine, over and over again.” She winked at him.

He didn’t look pleased. “Would you be disappointed if I couldn’t hit your cervix? Not every guy can be above average, you know.”

“Jeremy… come on,” Candace chided. “Fairly pointless hypothetical, my guy.  Clearly you are above average.” She was silent for a moment. “But no, you could never disappoint me. I’m completely obsessed with you and I can get past any flaws you might have. If I could even think of any flaws that you have. You never stop surprising me with just how good you are. I hope you know that.”

“You crazy kids are adorable,” said Vanessa. “Jeremy, here you are.” She pulled up to the curb in front of Jeremy’s house.

“Oh,” he said in surprise. “I guess this is where the night ends.”

“I guess so,” Candace lamented.

They kissed passionately, ignoring Vanessa’s presence and allowing themselves to savor it, reluctant to part.

“Jeremy…” Candace whispered.

“Yes?”

“Something came up tonight. I didn’t want to distract you, but starting tomorrow, there’s something very important we have to do.”

“What is it?”

Candace bit her lip before proceeding. “Our daughter Amanda came here from the future. She’s about our age and she’s trapped here, in our time. We need to get her back home to her own reality. And by ‘we’ I mean Phineas and Ferb, because they’re the only people equipped to do that sort of thing, but I thought you ought to know. Our daughter is in town and we need to take care of her.”

Jeremy reeled silently for a moment. “Well. Most guys are usually called upon to be a father a little while after the first time they have sex, not that very same night, but, I guess, by virtue of who I hang around with, I’m not most guys.”

“That is not the reason you’re not like most guys,” Candace said lovingly. “You’re you, that’s what makes you not most guys.”

“And why would you want to be?” Vanessa said flippantly. “Nobody likes most guys. Most guys need to do better.”

“So, are you ready for this?” Candace said anxiously.

“Yeah, I am,” he said decisively. “Let’s do this. Let’s take care of our daughter.”

“Okay,” said Candace. “One more thing before you go, let me just… where did…? Aha.” From the floor of the backseat, she produced the box of condoms and small bottle of lubricant. “Here. You be in charge of the condoms from now on. Make sure you always have some in your wallet in case we ever decide to be… spontaneous. And I’ll hang onto the lube. I’ll keep it in my purse, or, maybe in my bra if we use it often enough to justify that, I dunno.”

He took the box. “I’m on it, babe.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Candace said sweetly. “We’ll make arrangements… we’ll keep expanding our physical relationship… and you can meet our daughter. I love you so much.”

“I love you too. Tonight was amazing.” He kissed her again, more tenderly this time. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

He left the car, and they watched him walk to the door, making sure he got inside. He waved goodbye before closing the door.

“All right,” said Vanessa. “And you’re right around the corner, right?”

“Yeah, my place is real close.”

“Mkay then.” She started driving again. “He really is, like… so much more sensitive and thoughtful and real than most guys. You really lucked out, Flynn.”

“I really did,” Candace agreed. “I don’t know how else to explain that I finally got him after being so ineffectual at it my whole life. I’m just… so lucky. In that single aspect of my life, no others, but hey, being with him is the one aspect of my life that I really care about.”

Vanessa pulled the Nymph into the Flynn-Fletcher driveway. “Here’s your house, and…” She stopped the engine and handed the keys to Candace. “Your car. I’ll see you around.”

“Thanks.”

They got out, and Vanessa went for the trunk to retrieve her scooter.

“Hey…” Candace said cautiously. “I love you, girl.”

Vanessa paused, then turned back to give her a hug. “I love you too, Candace. Thanks for being in my life.”

“It’s my pleasure,” said Candace. “I don’t know what I’d do without you. I would be… so uncool.” They parted. “Whoops, there are your naked boobies again…”

Vanessa covered herself. “All right, that borders on not being cute anymore. I’ll have to remember that this dress does that, and be discerning about when to bring it out to play.”

“Was it ever ‘cute’?”

“I found it cute.” She adjusted her dress again and beamed at Candace. “We’ve got a lot to look forward to, besides the important task of taking care of your daughter, so… good luck with everything. If there’s anything I can do to help, just ask. I’ll be there.”

Candace nodded, smiling brightly. “Yeah. See you later.”