Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

His wounds were still healing, some of them had scabs others looked fresh, but weren’t bleeding. The one on his temple had stung the most.  He had scars too, those hurt the most. He could handle the bruises, they hurt too, but weren’t very painful unless pressure was put on them.

He was spiraling again. Everything was going good, great even, but then the evening hit and it felt like everybody was out to get him.

Gabriel sat in the bed, shoved all the way against the wall. His knees were pulled up to his chest and he had a blanket pulled up to his chin. He let out a shudder.

He felt sick. Sick and dirty. He was disgusted by himself. Surely he could’ve done more. He was an Archangel for fucks sake.

An archangel that got caught in the web of one of the worst men alive.

No matter how hard he scrubbed, how hard he picked, scratched, or itched, he would never be able to wash off the feeling of hands sliding across his skin. Hands he felt repulsed by, hands that ignored all of his pleas and begging.

Maybe there was nothing he could’ve done. He had considered suicide. A lot. He tried it a couple of times, he didn’t care about the stupid ‘punishment’ he would’ve gotten. He wanted out.

Now that he was out, he still couldn’t bring himself back to that attitude he had before. He didn’t have the charm. Or maybe he did have the charm. Gabriel didn’t care anymore. He found it hard to care at this point. It was too tiring.

He felt his mind spiraling down that hole again, the way he would silently plead, the way he would beg. All of it falling onto deaf ears. He wanted this feeling gone, he wanted it scrubbed out of him. That lobotomy that heaven did on Castiel a while back? It seemed like a pretty good option.

That feeling of disgust was crawling up his body, like a disease that never quite left. It came in waves. Gabriel hated feeling human. He hated being in a human body. He hated feeling human emotions. He wanted to be like the angels up in heaven, cold and focused on one thing only.

He felt something drip onto his cheek and gave a small laugh to himself. He didn’t even realize he started crying. He hated crying. He didn’t tell anybody but he hated the feeling when it dried, hated the way it would climb up your throat, he hated the fact that crying didn’t fix anything. It was a temporary solution to a permanent problem.

He let out a shuddering sob. One of the sobs that wracked your atoms themselves with pain. He hurt. Everything hurt. He felt a laugh tickle his throat, trying to fight the bile climbing up his throat.

He let out a laugh that turned into a quiet sob. He felt so weak. He’d always been the weakest of his brothers, and that had always been fine with him. Until Asmodeus took him and stripped him of all he had.

He felt weaker than one of the lowest ranking angels. He was low on grace and sobbing like a puny human.

He panicked and felt the bile fight its way up his throat, grabbing the trashcan next to his bed, he threw up whatever was left in him. Not much was left in him. It was mainly stomach acid. It hurt. A lot. He’d been throwing up more often. Maybe it was his body’s way of trying to expel all the disgust he had been harboring.

He was panting, trying to reel in both the nausea and the feeling of invasiveness. He jumped when he heard a knock on his door. Just one. It was so quiet that if he had been any more exhausted he wouldn’t have noticed. When Gabriel was silent, but panting, whoever it was slowly twisted the doorknob. Like they were giving Gabriel time to slam the door shut on them.

The door opened gently, stopping before it hit anything.

“Gabriel?” Gabriel felt a shiver run down his spine, before he quickly recognized the voice. Sam. It was Sam. Gabriel involuntarily had a relieved smile on his face. He’d lost his poker face after Asmodeus.

Sam looked at the state Gabriel was in and rushed over, slamming the door behind him. They both winced at the sound it made.

Sam grabbed the trashcan from Gabriel, setting it on the floor. It was close enough for Gabriel to grab it if he wanted it again. That was Gabriel’s first realization. His second was that Sam seemed terrified for Gabriel.

Gabriel felt pathetic.

“Oh god, Gabriel—“ Sam cut himself off, he reached towards Gabriel, unsure if he should touch him. Gabriel let out a small shuddering sob, his whole body wracked with the movement.

Gabriel uncurled his body, letting his head fall against the wall. Sam looked at him, still trying to figure out what he should do.

Gabriel wanted Sam to hold him.

Gabriel wanted nothing to do with Sam.

He didn’t know which was a side effect of Asmodeus.

Sam decided to start with Gabriel’s breathing. “Gabriel.” Sam snapped his fingers in front of Gabriel, trying to get him to focus. Gabriel looked over, it was too tiring to focus on anything right now. His vision was blurry.

“Gabriel, I need you to focus on me. Keep your eyes open.”

Gabriel’s eyes felt heavy. Everything felt too heavy for his body. He was exhausted.

“Okay, we’re gonna try this. Grab onto my wrist, and try to match our pulses.” Sam held out his hand, making sure Gabriel could grab it easily. Gabriel used all the strength he could to put his fingers in the right positions. His breathing was erratic. He couldn’t get a good amount of air in, his voice sounded hoarse the more he inhaled.

“Steady breaths. You can do this, Gabriel.” Sam didn’t dare to touch him anywhere but his wrist. He didn’t want to risk triggering anything.

Gabriel watched the way Sam’s chest rose and fell. He took in shallower breaths, trying to at least get air in. He closed his eyes, focusing on Sam’s breathing and the way his pulse moved under his fingers.

“There you go, slowly now.” Sam’s voice had softened, he sounded gentle. It freaked Gabriel out. That was how Asmodeus would talk to him when Gabriel would get too hysterical.

But Sam— Sam wasn’t Asmodeus. He was kinder, softer, gentler. Sam wouldn’t hurt him. Maybe he would. Maybe Sam was doing this just to do exactly what Asmodeus would do to him.

Use him for his own sick desires. Use him until he couldn’t take anymore. Use him until Gabriel couldn’t bring himself to—

“Gabriel. Focus on me.” Gabriel snapped back to reality. He could focus on the now. All he could do now was pray Sam would prove that little part of him wrong. Gabriel let out a soft exhale, wiping his face. He hated tears.

“Are you with me?” Sam spoke in that stupid gentle voice again. Gabriel nodded softly.

“Do you wanna-“

“Hold me. Please.” Gabriel whimpered. Sam’s stoic composure dropped, but he nodded. He pulled Gabriel into a hug, cradling his head and digging his nails into Gabriel’s back. Gabriel let out a shuddering sigh, he needed to be kept in reality. That was all he needed.

Sam didn’t say anything. He let Gabriel dig his face into his shoulder. He rested his cheek on Sam’s shoulder, letting his eyes fall closed. He wanted to stay like this.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sam untangled Gabriel’s hair, running his fingers through it gently. Gabriel thought about it.

“Not really, no,” He could tell Sam was about to move, and blurted out what he said next to keep Sam close. “but it’s gonna come out at some point. I’d rather do it now than have it pour out later.”

“Okay. Take as long as you need.” Sam mumbled in Gabriel’s ear. Gabriel tightened his arms around Sam, trying to keep himself grounded.

“He reminded me of you, in a way.” Gabriel pulled away gently, keeping his and Sam’s fingers interlocked. He felt Sam tighten his grip and Gabriel stared at him, blankly.

“All of his good qualities were some of your best qualities. Like the way he would soften his voice when talking to me, or the way he…” Gabriel trailed off. He couldn’t think of any any more good things about Asmodeus. He blinked slowly, like a frog. Nothing would breach the front of his mind.

“The way he..?” Sam repeated in a concerned voice. That stupid tone that Asmodeus would use. Maybe Asmodeus was trying to get Gabriel to lower his guard.

“I can’t think of anything else.” Gabriel finally said. Sam just stared at him, like that was impossible. Gabriel stared back, that blank look plastered on his face. He couldn’t find an emotion to portray on his face. He felt empty.

“Gabe, what did he do to you?” Sam’s voice got rigid, he almost scared Gabriel. He knew Sam didn’t just raise his voice, he didn’t yell either, but it felt like he did.

“Used me.” Gabriel left it at that. Sam would catch up. Maybe it’d take him a minute. Gabriel practically watched the gears turn in Sam’s head. Sam’s expression shifted immensely. He looked angry.

“My grace was most important to him. That was all he truly needed from me. I guess it wasn’t enough for him,” Gabriel started. He felt the tears start to form and the bile get stuck in his throat.

“Keeping me helpless wasn’t good enough for him. He wanted me to know I was helpless, to feel helpless for the rest of my life. I couldn’t—“

Gabriel let out a quiet sob. He hated remembering it. He hated even thinking about it. Sam was quiet, but he pulled Gabriel into a hug. A tighter one.

Gabriel felt like if he let go, everything would crumble around him. It would all collapse, like one of his own sets. Maybe this was a dream. Maybe it was some sick joke Asmodeus was playing on him.

Gabriel felt the way Sam’s breaths were uneven, like he was angry. Gabriel realized then it was real. This was all real.

Asmodeus didn’t know Sam the way Gabriel did. He didn’t know that Sam would start to breathe heavily when he was upset. He didn’t know that when Sam felt like he needed to protect somebody he would dig his nails into their skin. Gabriel felt nails dig into his neck and into his back. He smiled softly through his tears.

Most of all, Asmodeus wouldn’t have known that Sam Winchester held Gabriel like he was a prized possession. Something to cherish, to hide away from everybody else, to keep behind bolted doors. Gabriel was Sam’s, in the way Castiel was Dean’s.

Asmodeus couldn’t have known, no matter how hard he looked. Gabriel was strong enough to shield anything about Sam away from him. He didn’t say a word about the Winchesters. About Castiel.

Gabriel kept them safe, no matter what it did to him.

Sam rubbed small circles into Gabriel’s back. Right. He was here. In the bunker. With Sam. He was safe. Asmodeus was dead.

“I couldn’t do anything. I tried begging, I tried pleading, I even tried negotiating, telling him that if he killed me he could take all the grace that flowed through my body.” Gabriel leaned back again, Sam made sure to scoot next to him. It calmed Gabriel down, knowing somebody was there with him. Sam was warm. Gabriel always liked the warm-blooded part of humans.

“That—“ Gabriel felt the bile rise in his throat again. He shoved it back down, he needed to be brave. He wanted Sam to know. “That was the first night it happened. I didn’t say a word, didn’t make a sound. I was wide awake. He tried to look me in my eyes to make me slip up. I didn’t let him have the satisfaction.” Gabriel wanted to wrap his arms around his body, he wanted to get away from Sam’s gaze. He wanted to hide, like a weasel.

He leaned into Sam who simply moved his arm to wrap around Gabriel, squeezing Gabriel’s upper arm. He didn’t seem to care that Gabriel was resting on it, cutting off circulation.

“I held it together that first time, but I gave up by the third. It was too tiring to try and ignore my… body’s subconscious reactions.” He spat out the word body like venom was pooling in his mouth, like it was a disease. Gabriel gave a weak laugh. There was no emotion in it, it sounded hoarse. Sam was still quiet. Gabriel could sense the silent rage slowly bubbling up inside of him.

“I hate it, Sam. I hate the way he would take pride in making me come, like i enjoyed it. It was some sick power trip for him. I hate the way human bodies react, especially out of their own will.” Gabriel bit his bottom lip, he was breathing heavily now. He tasted metal, and gently tapped his lip. Blood. Of course.

“I didn’t do anything, couldn’t bring myself to do anything. I was too exhausted, I accepted it.” Gabriel paused, he glanced over at Sam, ever the poker face. He could sense that rage. Gabriel knew. He always knew.

“I can’t help but wonder if I deserve it.” Gabriel quietly admitted. That was what finally caused Sam to boil over.

“Don’t say that!—“ Sam raised his voice, he was almost yelling. He took a deep breath, lowering his volume.

“Don’t…say that Gabe. You couldn’t have done anything to stop him.” Sam sounded strained, like he was going to go off about Asmodeus. It was like Gabriel made him reasonable. Maybe they both grounded each other.

“I’m an archangel, Sam! I mean, I had enough strength to try and kill myself, but I couldn’t push the prince of hell off of me?” Gabriel felt his heart sink the second that slipped out. He had to go and ruin everything. He always ended up ruining everything.

“You tried to kill yourself?” Sam sputtered. He sounded dumbfounded, like he couldn’t believe an Archangel would try to kill himself.

“I did kill myself, one time. Tried 3 more times. He wasn’t very happy.” Gabriel let out a small laugh, he couldn’t help but find it funny how weak he was. Any other archangel would’ve been able to handle. They could’ve taken it.

Gabriel felt the emotion from Sam shift from a quiet anger, not at Gabriel, to a slow but heavy anguish. It was almost painful for Gabriel.

Gabriel shut his eyes, he felt Sam rub small circles on his arm and on his thigh. He didn’t know when Sam’s hand made it there.

He didn’t want to think about this. But he wanted Sam to know. He felt like Sam had to know. Sam’s arm slid out from behind Gabriel and gently brushed against Gabriel’s hand. Gabriel took Sam’s hand and squeezed it. There was a silent acknowledgement between the two of them.

Gabriel remembered everything. In perfect detail. The defense mechanism of blocking out painful details that was instilled into humans didn’t work for angels.

“He got rough. It hurt. It hurt a lot, Sam. Felt like I was bleeding. He left bruises, maybe as a reminder.” Gabriel shuddered. He leaned into Sam, wanting Sam to envelop him.

He wanted to be enveloped by Sam Winchester. Gabriel took note of the way he smelled like blood with a weird smell of bark mixed in. Sam used to smell like lavender. He probably used to use some of Jess’ perfume.

Gabriel found beauty in the way Sam’s blood ran through him perfectly. Sam winchester was perfect to Gabriel.

Gabriel looked at Sam and it felt like everything bad melted away.

Gabriel suddenly realized he just admitted that he attempted and managed to kill himself. “I didn’t mean for that to slip out—“ Gabriel felt the panic seep into his bones again. It seemed like that was all he felt these days. His mind was working slowly, like if it worked correctly Gabriel would blow up.

He didn’t want to be put on some stupid watchlist or told he couldn’t be alone because he was a danger to himself and others.

“Gabriel.” Sam’s voice sounded dangerously angry. Gabriel nodded nervously, his heart was racing. He wanted to leave. He wanted to stand up and walk out the bunker. Maybe he’d die, he could live with that.

However, all Sam said was “I understand,” Gabriel scanned Sam’s expression trying to pinpoint what he understood. “all of it. I understand all of it.” Gabriel felt his mouth go dry as the pieces shuffled together in his head. He swallowed heavily, he couldn’t say anything.

Sam took that as a sign to keep talking. “It was in the cage. I felt the same way you do now. It took me a while, but after opening up to Cas I started realizing I couldn’t do anything. There was no way to stop it, and there was no way that we could’ve prevented it.” Gabriel let the words sink in. He felt a small smile tug at his lips when he realized it was Cas that helped Sam. Not Dean, but Cas.

Gabriel knew that Sam was right, Sam was always right.

Gabriel’s mind finally acknowledged Castiel’s name, and his mouth fell open. His chest swelled with pride. “Cas helped you realize that?” Gabriel had a small smile on his face. Sam let out a quiet laugh.

“Yeah. He’s gotten so much better over the years. I remember when he had a huge stick up his ass.” Sam heard Gabriel laugh, a genuine one, and he felt nothing but pride.

“He wasn’t like that when he was younger,” Gabriel smiled fondly. Castiel used to be stuck to Gabriel’s side like a bur. Sam cocked his head, it was at a 45° angle. Gabriel almost bursted out laughing, he remembered when Cas would do that whenever he needed clarification.

“He used to be such an annoying little smartass. It got to the point where Michael had to step in to tell me to reel in his behavior before Lucifer or Raphael ended up doing it themselves.” Gabriel let out a small laugh, he went to go pick at his skin but was stopped by Sam squeezing his hand.

“Were you two close when he was…” Sam trailed off, he had no idea what word to use to describe whatever the hell was considered young in angel terms.

“The word you’re looking for is nestling or fledgling, yes I know laugh it up.

But yeah, we were close.” Gabriel watched Sam’s face contort into an expression that was stuck between almost bursting out laughing and a weird expression to acknowledge something was cute.

“He used to be attached to me by the hip, it got to the point where all the other archangels considered him an honorary baby sibling. I taught him almost everything he knows, ranging from using an angel blade to checking souls.” Gabriel smiled softly. He missed hanging out with Castiel. He missed a lot of things, really. He missed Castiel the most.

“What happened between you two? I know you dipped and that was it.” Sam was genuinely curious, he didn’t mean any harm. It still stung. It stung a lot, having to tell somebody about how he abandoned his baby brother.

“When Michael and Lucifer finally decided to actually go all out, I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t bring myself to pick a side, and I dropped to earth. All I left Cassie was a feather.” Gabriel felt himself getting choked up, this never felt any better. He never liked admitting he abandoned Castiel, he knows what he did was wrong. He should’ve taken Castiel with him.

“I left him up there, scared and alone. He was a soldier, and a damn good one too, but I just— abandoned him. I left my baby brother to be turned into some stupid machine because of my own selfish desires.” Gabriel felt the tears start to run again. He let out a choked sob, squeezing Sam’s hand. Sam was silent. Gabriel could practically hear Sam thinking of a response.

“You didn’t abandon him. I did the same thing to Dean, and I left so I could get away from the life, from my dad. Dean was angry at first, we didn’t acknowledge it the first few years after we got back together. Eventually he started to understand, it took about as long as it took him to start to hate Dad.” Sam looked guilty, he had a mixed bag of guilt and relief swirling through him at the moment.

“Anyways, my point is that you did what you had to do. Being selfish is okay sometimes, Gabe. Hell, you of all people deserve to be selfish every once in a while.” Sam smiled at Gabriel, it looked weak. Gabriel inhaled, he knew Sam was right. He also knew that angels weren’t supposed to be selfish. It went against their very nature, broke the walls of their programming.

“And, Cas doesn’t seem upset. If anything he’s relieved that you’re alive and making big progress to be healthy again. He’s just glad he has you again. The same way Dean was glad he had me back.” Sam rubbed Gabriel’s thumb, his other hand moving to Gabriel’s cheek.

Gabriel noticed the glance to his lips, but left it be. “You always know the right thing to say, Sammy.” Gabriel expected a fast correction, but was silently surprised when he got nothing.

Sam stood up, putting his hand behind him for Gabriel to grab. Maybe he should get out of the room. He’s kept himself locked in here the past few days, he’s gone out maybe 2 times to use the bathroom.

Gabriel sighed dramatically, but grabbed Sam’s hand anyways.

“Do y’guys have any ice cream or something in this place?” Gabriel yawned as he stepped out of the room. He kept his hand locked onto Sam’s the entire time. He had no fucking clue where they were going.

“No, Dean’s lactose intolerant and nobody else eats it but Jack.” Sam let out a soft sigh, at least Gabriel was back to his normal antics. Gabriel’s face was in a perpetual state of switching between held in giggles and a poker face at the mention of Dean being lactose intolerant.

“Can’t you summon some? I know you used to pull some out of thin air whenever you were with me in a motel room.” Sam lead Gabriel towards the library. Gabriel paused right at the entrance of the crow’s nest, he yanked his hand away from Sam’s. Too many people in there, he could sense maybe 3 people. He knew two of them, one of them was unknown. They felt familiar, Lucifer familiar.

“Gabe? What’s wrong?” Sam kept his hand held out, just in case. Gabriel just simply shook his head, he couldn’t get any words out. He needed more time. Maybe a shower would help calm him down.

“I’m gonna— go shower.” Gabriel said suddenly. He’d walked around enough in one of Sam’s dreams to know how to get there.

“I’ll go with you.” Sam replied just as suddenly. They both stared at each other, neither of them sure if they should move. Gabriel swallowed, his throat was coated with the kind of saliva you had when your throat was dry.

“Fine, okay. You can come with. Just— stay outside.” Gabriel hated this. He couldn’t bring himself to say no to Sam.

Sam nodded, he honestly looked like a puppy that you finally pet after it had messed up.

Gabriel was in the lead, Sam following closely behind him. Gabriel twisted the doorknob, and slammed it behind him. He peeled off his clothes, most of them sticking to his bloody skin. Right. He hadn’t showered since he’d been here. He realized he didn’t have a towel, and groaned. He debated between asking Sam, or just showering and worrying later.

Gabriel opened the door, just enough to stick his head out. “Can I have a towel?” He watched as Sam did a once-over and finally registered the severity of his wounds. Gabriel also didn’t miss the way Sam swallowed heavily when he noticed that Gabriel was actually pretty muscular.

Gabriel knew he wasn’t very impressive compared to Sam. Hell, he wasn’t even half as buff as Sam, but he was still impressive. Gabriel was at the very least confident in his looks.

Sam left for maybe 30 seconds before he ran back with a yellow towel. It would work, Gabriel supposed.

“Thanks,” Gabriel muttered as he grabbed the towel. He turned on the water and put it as hot as it could go. He slightly moved the knob for the cold water before stepping in.

It burned, it was insanely painful. It felt like he was being stabbed with needles everywhere. He pushed through, grabbing a bar of soap. He gently scrubbed, fighting the urge scrub so hard his skin peeled. It stung even more, but he watched the water turn to a pink color. It wasn’t as dark red as it was when he stepped in.

He felt the irritation of the wounds, the way his skin tried to close itself off to get away from the pain. He set the bar of soap back on the shelf and stood there for a minute. He let the water run down his skin. He felt his body grow numb to the pain little by little.

He grabbed shampoo, and dug it through his hair, trying to untangle it and get rid of all the blood that had seeped into his scalp. He pulled his hands away and grumbled at the blood caked under his nails. At least his hair would be clean.

He leaned his head back under the water, running his fingers through his hair to get all the soap out. He saw the water change from a crimson red to its normal clear look.

Gabriel stepped out, and realized he didn’t have any clothes. He could summon some, but it might take up too much grace.

He groaned. He wasn’t going to ask Sam for clothes, none of his would even fit Gabriel. Maybe Cas would have some laying around. He decided against that too and decided to just spawn some. They landed on the sink with a soft thud.

He dried himself with the towel, drying off his body at least. He decided to let his hair do its thing. He hung the towel on the doorknob and threw on the clothes. He looked at himself in the mirror. He had bags under his eyes, bad. His shirt was okay, it was just a black one with a “Tampa Bay, FL” design thrown on the front.

He didn’t feel like dressing in his normal style. He looked damn good dressed the way he usually was but it was too hot in here.

His hair was messy, even after washing it. He frowned. He felt a wave of dizziness shoot through him and he used the sink to steady himself. Okay, maybe that used too much grace. He heard Sam outside the door call his name in a worried tone. Gabriel huffed and stood up.

He grabbed the towel and stepped out into the hallway. Sam looked at him, worried sick. Gabriel handed him the towel and followed behind him.

Gabriel got a wave of dizziness again and almost collapsed onto Sam. He caught himself on the wall, making a loud thud. Sam swung around and ran over, putting an arm gently around Gabriel. He rested his hand on Gabriel’s hip, pulling Gabriel close to him.

“What did you do?” Sam sounded desperate, like Gabriel had just murdered his family.

“I just spawned some clothes, I didn’t think it would use up this much grace!” Gabriel snarled back. He pressed his lips into a thin line as Sam tightened his grip. Gabriel could tell he was going to pass out soon.

“Pick me up— I’m about to pass out.” Gabriel didn’t really need to be picked up right now, Sam could’ve just grabbed him when he did pass out. Sam complied almost immediately, carrying Gabriel bridal style. Gabriel exhaled. Maybe he made the right decision. As soon as Sam grabbed him Gabriel passed out.

When Gabriel awoke he had 4 different people staring at him. He shot up in a panic, almost hitting Dean in the nose.

“Woah, relax! It’s just us Gabe.” Dean gently pushed Gabriel back a little. Gabriel glanced around, taking in everybody’s current state.

Castiel looked like he was going to rip his own feathers out, Sam looked relieved, Dean looked…worried? The new person, Jack, seemed excited.

“Have you guys never been told to not put your face directly above an unconscious person?!” Gabriel snarled at them. Dean put his hands up in surrender, while Sam gave a small laugh.

Cas moved quickly, he stood right next to Gabriel who was currently on a…table?

“Let me check your wounds.” Castiel ordered. Gabriel almost hit him, almost . He sighed and took off his shirt. Nothing else would even be touched if Gabriel had a say in it.

Cas was still as gentle as ever, his fingers poked and prodded at his wounds, some were more fresh than others. At least his torso wasn’t all covered in dried blood. His fingers rested gently on Gabriel’s left side.

Castiel made a small noise and Gabriel felt the air get knocked out of him when Cas’ grace flowed through him. He bit his lip, it felt weird. Like it didn’t belong there. He felt his wounds start to close, some burning.

And then, they opened back up. Right. Grace didn’t work when healing archangels.

Gabriel let out a loud cry when one that was particularly deep across his torso started to close, before quickly dilating. He shoved Cas away in an effort to stall the pain for a bit.

Dean took that as a sign to step away and go read.

Jack looked between the two, and Cas put a hand up to stop him. Gabriel collapsed against the hard wood, he could tell his body was trying to reject any external grace. 

Castiel stepped closer, “Let me take a look at that one.” Castiel whispered. Gabriel could tell it wasn’t an order, he was giving Gabriel a choice.

Gabriel looked over at Dean who had opted to go read a book on strengthening warding sigils. Sam had decided to stand on Gabriel’s other side, resting his hand on Gabriel’s shoulder. Jack was standing behind Gabriel, leaning against the side of the table.

“Okay.” Gabriel mumbled out, it still hurt. Castiel stood right up against the table and leaned forward. He gently touched around the wound, he was even gentler than before. Gabriel smiled at the realization that Castiel had reverted back to his old self.

“Okay, I think only you can heal your own wounds. Based on the fact that you are fatally low on grace right now, it might take a while.” Castiel leaned back on his heels, before deciding to just stand there awkwardly. Gabriel groaned at what that likely meant. He didn’t want to do it, especially to Sam. It was very invasive, and painful.

“So, what does that mean?” Jack asked from behind Gabriel. Gabriel turned back, finally getting a good look at Jack. He looked nothing like Lucifer, in fact he looked like an exact mix of Dean and Castiel. It was almost terrifying. All Gabriel could tell was that Jack was powerful, terrifyingly so, and that Lucifer’s genes didn’t even try.

“There is…one solution.” Castiel hesitated. Gabriel and Castiel both turned to look at Sam.

“What can I do?” Sam immediately asked. The two of them looked at each other, like they were both terrified.

“Give us a minute.” Gabriel said as he tuned into his own little angel radio channel that he made for himself. Castiel quickly tuned in.

‘This might be our only option Gabriel,’ Castiel said, Gabriel almost jumped at the sound of Castiel in his head. Sam and Jack looked between them, both confused.

‘I know, Cassie. I just don’t want to risk it, especially at the cost of Sam fucking exploding!’ Gabriel was getting frustrated, Castiel winced. Gabriel sent Castiel an apologetic look, Castiel just nodded softly.

‘I’ve done it once before…’ Castiel trailed off, Gabriel looked at him expectantly. ‘It was with Bobby Singer, he survived and we both made it out perfectly fine. I’m not saying Sam won’t for sure explode, but he’s a winchester. They have a record of being lucky.’ Gabriel seemed to think about it, Castiel always knew what to say.

Gabriel huffed and turned off the channel. He giggled at Castiel jumping at the sudden white noise blaring in his head.

Jack and Sam looked at them like they were crazy.

“Angel radio. I made my own little personal channel that very few people can tune into.” Gabriel waved their stares off.

“So…?” Sam asked as he looked back and forth Gabriel and Cas.

“Gabriel needs to touch your soul. A human soul is pure energy, enough energy to quickly recharge angels to 3/4 of their grace in a few seconds.” Castiel explained. Sam could tell they were both keeping something from him. Gabriel noticed the skeptic look on his face and sighed.

“There’s a chance you could explode.”Gabriel saw Dean spin his entire body to glance over. Well at least he was listening. Dean stayed silent, but Gabriel could feel the worry pulsing in him. It was very heavy, Gabriel was starting to feel nauseous again.

“I’ll do it.” Sam proclaimed. Gabriel and Cas both looked at him.

“But—“ Gabriel wanted to go against it, he could survive being low on grace if it meant Sam didn’t possibly explode.

Gabriel frowned but pat a chair, standing up. As soon as he stood up he felt all the blood rush to his head and he almost fell forward. Castiel caught him, clasping onto his arms. “We need to move quick. Sam take off your shirt.” Castiel commanded. Sam quickly complied, and Gabriel sucked in a breath. Gabriel stared at Castiel who just stared back. They both knew Sam didn’t need to take off his shirt.

Castiel walked over to Jack and turned him away from the couch, covering his ears. Right. Jack was still a nestling technically.

Castiel turned around and threw Sam a belt to bite on. Gabriel didn’t question why he just had that. Gabriel flexed his hands, Sam could tell he was stalling and put a hand on his upper arm.

Sam nodded and Gabriel stuck his hand in. He almost threw up at first, it was overwhelming for him . Sam grunting above him wasn’t really helping. He could feel every bit of every emotion Sam was feeling. Gabriel felt his grace building up, it was fast.

Gabriel yanked his hand out when it felt like his hand was burning down to the bone, Sam let out a loud and heavy exhale.

Gabriel examined his hand, it was bright red, like he had gotten burned. Castiel walked over, and gently held Gabriel’s hand. Gabriel grunted when Cas gently poked it. He threw his head back, biting his lip. It still hurt. A lot. He could at least himself now.

“Everybody okay?” Dean inquired as he stepped over. Sam nodded, he looked completely out of it. Gabriel had scars across his body. Cas nodded softly, still rubbing Gabriel’s hand.

“Sorry Sammy, I didn’t think it would fuck you up that much.” Gabriel dropped down next to him on a chair, gently poking him to snap him out of… whatever state he was in. Everybody froze at the use of ‘Sammy’, but Sam paid no mind to it.

“I agreed to it, didn’t I?” Sam slid his shirt back on. Gabriel gave a small laugh and relaxed against the chair.

“How do you feel?” Castiel moved Gabriel’s hair out of his face, Gabriel leaned into the touch.

“Fine. I almost threw up all over Sam. I didn’t think it would be that nauseating.” Gabriel looked up at Castiel who had a sour look on his face. He didn’t say anything.

Jack seemed a little scared.

Gabriel couldn’t pinpoint if he was scared of him, or what happened to him.

“Okay, everybody move, I wanna finally see my nephew.” Gabriel announced as he stood up. Jack stared at him, he seemed curious. Gabriel stopped a couple feet away from Jack like he was analyzing him.

“Has anybody ever told you how much you look nothing like Lucifer?” Gabriel smiled as he stepped closer, he gently cupped Jack’s face. Jack blinked innocently at him, he wasn’t radiating that fear anymore. Castiel stood off to the side, he wasn’t tense at all.

“God you have just the most squeezable face I’ve ever seen, you look so much like Cassie when he was younger.” Gabriel talked in a weird baby-voice. Castiel tensed up and broke them up before Jack asked anything.

“Aw c’mon Cas! I was just about to show him your baby pictures.” Gabriel jabbered with a shit-eating grin on his face. Castiel started turning red.

“Jack, go find something to eat. The adults need to have a conversation.” Castiel gently shoved Jack out of the room. Jack nodded and walked off towards the kitchen.

Gabriel let out a snicker at Castiel’s glare. He missed this. He missed everybody.

Dean, Sam, Cas, and Gabriel stood around the table.

Castiel looked like he wanted to say something but didn’t know how to approach the topic.

“How much did you tell him, Sam?” Gabriel whispered as he glared at Sam. Sam had a shocked look on his face, Gabriel couldn’t pinpoint why.

“All I said was that you’d open up to him when you were ready, I would never breach your trust like that.” Sam whisper-yelled back. Gabriel glared at Sam and then looked at Cas who simply nodded. They wouldn’t have been able to hide it from Gabriel anyways.

“Okay. Okay, I believe you.” Gabriel squeezed Sam’s hand. Castiel smiled softly. Dean was quiet, he’d probably be told by Castiel anyways. Gabriel didn’t seem to mind if Dean knew, which came as a shock to Gabriel.

He’d found it weird. He found everything weird. This all felt so familiar and yet so far away. Like it was just out of reach, but Gabriel was doing all he could to grasp onto it. He never thought he’d find family in a weird dysfunctional human family.

Gabriel looked at Dean, and took a step towards him. Dean stepped back, Gabriel could tell he was scared. Gabriel made a split-second decision and hugged Dean, as gently as he could currently manage. He felt Dean hesitate, but he eventually hugged Gabriel back.

They both stood there, silently. Gabriel found it odd again—that he missed Dean. Dean was weird in a lot of ways, but ways that Gabriel understood.

Maybe that was why Gabriel whispered “Take care of yourself , Dean. Before anybody else.” into his ear. He could feel Dean get thrown off by the lack of a nickname, but he gave a small, almost unnoticeable nod.

Gabriel pulled away but let his hand linger on Dean’s arm for a few more seconds. He wasn’t ready to lose the physical contact yet.

Dean rubbed his back before awkwardly shuffling back a few steps. Gabriel looked between the three of them and walked out of the room.

He could hear Sam and Cas trying to figure out what that was about. Dean was silent, he hadn’t said anything. Maybe he knew, maybe he didn’t. It didn’t matter to Gabriel.

Gabriel found the exit, it took a couple minutes of trial and error. Everything was quiet over here. He opened the door and stepped out, his blade was at the ready. He shut the door with a small wave of his hand.

He heard nothing, saw nothing, and felt nothing as he stepped out. It was all too normal. He could do it right here, maybe it’d be painless. His blade slid into his hand. It was ice cold, he liked the cold.

He hated being cold, he hated cold bodies, but the cold itself was a relieving feeling.

He felt the wind pick up, his hair was still a mess. He stood there, like a coward. He’d always been a coward. He didn’t like admitting it but everything he had done was cowardly.

Dean helped him snap out of that, for a while at least. Then Lucifer killed him and he had to resort back to his old ways. He stared down at the blade grasped in his hand, his hand was shaking. He had always been just a coward. Maybe it was in his blood.

His dad was a coward too, a huge one. He’d been gone for a few centuries now, and all Gabriel had for him was hatred. He hated God, hated everything he stood for. But he loved him, loved him too much that it had spelled out his doom.

Gabriel wiped his eyes, trying to stop the tears that were now desperately flowing. Fuck.

He dropped to the ground, his blade ended up piercing his thigh. Gabriel winced, but let it be. He had begun to think maybe he deserved it all. Lucifer was right to kill him, Gabriel wouldn’t have done anything. He ended up leaving the mess of whatever the apocalypse was in the Winchesters hands anyways.

He had a sudden urge to use his blade to cut his wrists, he’d had the thought before. They were often late at night, when Gabriel was alone in a room. He’d never acted on them, the archangel blade being used would leave scars and it took much longer to heal. He held up the blade in his hand, and inspected it. It had worn down over the years. Gabriel never bothered to sharpen it.

He looked around and found a small stone, he ran the sharp side across the edge of the stone and watched as the edge gleamed in the light.

He threw the stone to the side, and inhaled sharply as he brought the blade to his wrist.

It burned. Gabriel grit his teeth.

He noticed the way his arm went numb the more he did it. The human body was funny. He stared at his other arm. He liked perfection. His arms needed to be perfect.

He stopped. He couldn’t feel a damn thing in his arms.

He dropped the blade but kept his gaze away from his arms. The wind hitting the open wounds stung, but Gabriel could handle it. He was stronger than this. Surely.

He heard footsteps making their way to the door. He didn’t turn around when the door opened. He knew who it was.

He didn’t say anything as he stepped over, but he did set down 2 beers onto the ground.

Gabriel stared up at the sky, watching the clouds move slowly. Neither of them said anything for a couple of minutes.

“Let me see your arms.” Dean finally said. Gabriel didn’t say anything, but quickly adjusted himself so Dean could grab his arms easier. He didn’t have the energy to say anything.

Dean opened one of the beers and took a swig. He was gentle as he moved Gabriel’s arms to get a good look. He had an impressed look on his face.

“What?” Gabriel was getting frustrated, but his weird facade  dropped when Dean gave a small laugh.

Gabriel watched as the blood kept gushing out, it was bleeding a lot. His pants were probably stained.

“Just impressed that’s all. You managed to hit the stratum spinosum.” Gabriel scoffed at Dean’s knowledge of the layer he hit. Dean shook his head and pulled out a spray bottle, washcloth, and a bar of soap.

It was the best stuff he could find in a minute’s notice.

Gabriel held his breath as Dean sprayed the water and then gently rubbed the soap. Dean was gentle and slow, he was cleaning Gabriel like he was the most important being in the world.

“Does it hurt?” Dean asked as he grabbed the washcloth, sprayed it with water, and scrubbed the wounds gently.

“My adrenaline kicked in and my arms went numb after a bit, so not really.” Dean hummed in acknowledgment and sprayed Gabriel’s arm one more time with the water.  They both watched as the once clear liquid ran a bright red as it dripped off of Gabriel’s arm.

“This might hurt, but you can’t touch these for a week or so, okay?” Dean looked Gabriel in the eyes, taking Gabriel’s small nod as a sign to continue. Dean pulled out adhesive bandages, and Gabriel winced as he felt the skin stretch with the bandage. Dean gave him an apologetic look but kept going.

He wrapped the bandages with bandage wrap and gently pressed down to make sure it would stay. Gabriel felt tears roll down his face again, and he sniffled as he went to wipe his eyes before remembering he probably shouldn’t.

Dean wiped his tears for him, and Gabriel mouthed a small ‘thank you’.

“You want a break before we move onto your other arm?” Dean took a swig of the beer again, and gently moved the second beer closer to Gabriel.

“No, let’s keep going.” Gabriel’s voice was hoarse. He could feel a sob building up in his throat but he swallowed it and handed Dean his arm.

Dean went through the same process, but had to stop a few times because Gabriel was gaining feeling back.

“Sorry Gabe, didn’t think to bring any pain killers.” Dean finished wrapping up this arm.

Gabriel shrugged and they both sat there in silence.

“I get what you’re going through. We didn’t experience the same things, but I understand the feeling.” Dean said. Gabriel looked over, internally shocked. He didn’t want to take this moment away from Dean.

“I get the feeling of hopelessness. I get the way that you feel like nothing’s ever going to be enough. Or the way that physical pain is the best way to distract from emotional pain. I spent so many years stitching myself back together and picking up the broken pieces John left. I held it together for Sammy.” Gabriel just stared. He didn’t know what to say.

“Gabriel, the one thing you need to do is stay alive. You need to stay alive and healthy. I know it seems hard, like you’re being ripped apart and thrown to the wolves piece-by-piece, but I need you to stay alive. Do it for Cas, for Jack, for Sammy. Do it for us .” Dean was starting to get emotional. Gabriel couldn’t even blink, he felt like every part of him had frozen.

And then it clicked.

“I have a family here. A weird one, but my family.” Gabriel felt his mouth go dry. He used to believe he had a family thousands of years ago, then it all came crashing down. Dean watched him, he wasn’t judging him or surprised, Dean was proud.

Blood wasn’t a sign of who was your family.

Gabriel looked behind him and felt a phantom feeling of wings.

Wings weren’t either. The archangels always had the most beautiful golden wings, as a way to show they were family. They reflected light like stained glass windows you’d find in a church.

Gabriel remembered Castiel’s wings. Castiel’s were a beautiful shade of dark blue, wings that always made the other angels jealous. He was the only angel without those white, fluffy wings. Castiel’s were sharp and jagged, like a sword. Gabriel’s were soft, but could be hardened to use as a shield.

Now that Castiel was in a stasis between fallen and Seraphim, but still holding grace, his wings were a beautiful ebony shade. They fit Cas a lot more than any of Gabriel’s brothers would admit.

Gabriel was proud enough to admit it though, Castiel looked the most angelic out of all of them with those somber wings.

Their wings were so different from each other, and yet they found solace in each other. Castiel’s wings were used as a weapon, while Gabriel’s were there for being on the defensive. They collided perfectly.

Castiel was Gabriel’s first true family, his brothers were his family, but they weren’t a family.

Castiel and Gabriel were a family. They did everything with each other and for each other. 

Gabriel snapped out of the weird flashback state he was in and he felt a sob escape his chest. Dean panicked and immediately pulled Gabriel into a hug.

Gabriel felt his body wrack with sobs as Dean awkwardly tightened the hug. Gabriel adjusted so his face was pushed against Dean’s shoulder.

After a minute, Dean seemed to figure it out. His left arm snaked up to cradle Gabriel’s head while his right arm snaked over to hold his waist. Gabriel’s arms weakly strangled Dean’s waist.

They were in a weird position, but neither of them bothered to try and fix it. Gabriel felt his breathing slowly even out while Dean started to loosen his grip.

Gabriel pulled away but Dean left one of his hands free in case Gabriel needed some kind of physical touch.

“Sorry about your jacket,” Gabriel gave a slight nod to Dean’s shoulder as he grabbed Dean’s hand. Dean took a swig of his beer again, setting down the bottle.

“Not a big deal, I used to burp Sammy when he was younger so this was nothing.” Dean waved it off and stared up at the sky. Gabriel had a small smile on his face.

Gabriel examined Dean, not exactly trying to hide it.

His hair was somewhat messy, in the way that he brushed it and then got stressed and ended up messing it up. He was wearing clothes that were good for hunting, but didn’t have a weapon on him. Maybe it gave him a sense of relief if he felt like he was ready.

His face was the part Gabriel had always liked looking at. His eyes used to crinkle up in laughter years ago, no sense of dread was etched into his resting face. Now, though? His eyes were sunken. His mouth looked like he hadn’t smiled in a while. Maybe he hadn’t.

His face had lost that round look it had when they first met. Dean winchester was nothing but sharp edges now.

As Gabriel stared blankly at him he started to realize maybe that wasn’t fully true. Dean had rounded spots in that facade he had on. He had a soft spot for kids, and he definitely had a soft spot for Cas. Sam was his biggest weakness, Gabriel had figured that out from the second they met.

As Gabriel started to piece things together he felt a nagging voice in his head scream at him that maybe him and Dean weren’t so different.

Gabriel was more similar to Sam, but he and Dean were alike in ways nobody could comprehend.

Gabriel noticed the way Dean bit his tongue when he started getting angry, or the way his bottom lip quivered after he snapped at somebody. He definitely didn’t miss the fact that Dean Winchester used sex as a coping mechanism.

They both did, very heavily. Dean hadn’t had sex since Cas came around, and Gabriel didn’t really know if it was because the whole apocalypse thing took away his time for it if he was just really into Cas.

Maybe a bit of both.

Gabriel had used sex as a way to cope ever since he’d dropped down. There wasn’t much else to do for a couple thousand years. Then humans started learning how to build, and Gabriel integrated himself into societies.

Gabriel had never truly enjoyed it, he just used it as a way to pass the time.

Then Sam Winchester dropped right into his hands and Gabriel made it his mission to learn everything about him.

“You aren’t like Michael at all.” Gabriel said. It was a true statement, maybe it wasn’t true to other people but it was to Gabriel. Dean Winchester was nothing like Michael the Archangel.

“Sorry?” Dean was taken aback by the sudden statement but Gabriel saw his slight curiosity.

“You’re both oldest siblings and you’re both righteous, you’re just so different . Michael does what he does for the love of a father that won’t care. You save people because it feels right to you. You have a tremendous sense of determination and pride, but you know how to use it.” Gabriel paused, like the thing he was going to say next would be blasphemy. He hated talking about his brothers like this, but he needed to get it out.

“Michael takes what he wants, and doesn’t think about who’s going to be affected. All of my brothers do. They all despise humanity because human nature is being flawed. And Dean, you are one of the most flawed humans I’ve met,” Dean gave a frown at that but Gabriel put a finger up to shush him.

“But all of that makes you who you are. You’ve understood that humanity has flaws, that’s just how it’s going to be, but you keep going. You keep trying to help people despite everything because that’s who you are .” Gabriel would start going on a tangent about how beautiful humanity was if this kept up.

“You’re saying I’m nothing like that douche because I care and he doesn’t?” Gabriel could vaguely sense the confusion in his voice and he gave a small laugh.

“There’s more to it to than that, I don’t know how to explain it.” Gabriel had a shy look on his face. The stupid Winchesters always made his nervous. He didn’t know why, he had been around good looking men a lot, maybe it was the fact that they managed to overpower his older brothers.

Or maybe Gabriel just saw himself in the two of them much more than he’d like to admit.

“It’s… to put it the easiest way possible, you both were blinded at the start by your dad, doing whatever he said,” Dean tensed up, Gabriel squeezed his hand softly. “but you, Dean, you grew up and you moved past your father. You understood that what he did was wrong and are trying to do so much better than he did, with every kid you meet.” Dean still seemed uncomfortable, and Gabriel sighed.

“Dean. You’re not like John, you never have been and you never will be. You are so much more of a man than he ever could be. John Winchester is what I hate about humanity, the greed and the selfishness.” Gabriel was starting to sound defensive, not of himself but of Dean. Like if he didn’t tell Dean, he would never understand.

“Gabriel, why are you telling me this suddenly?” Dean finally asked. Gabriel knew he’d been dying to ask. Gabriel had a sad look on his face, one that Dean could make out as regret.

“I felt like I owed you something, especially after what I left you guys to deal with.” Gabriel could practically hear Dean’s slow turn of his head. Gabriel turned to look at him.

“What you left us with? Gabriel, you didn’t leave us to deal with anything.” Dean seemed astonished that Gabriel even entertained the idea.

“Dean, I got myself killed and didn’t do fucking anything to stop the apocalypse. And you had to deal with Kali.” Gabriel shot back. Dean just stared at him with his mouth open.

“Gabriel, you bought us time to get out of there! You knew you had very little chance of surviving and you still did it. We would be dead if you didn’t step in. You held back Lucifer himself! Sure, you didn’t stop the apocalypse, but you helped us buy time! You, Crowley and Cas were the most useful people we ended up running into.” Dean was starting to become the defensive one. Gabriel still didn’t seem sure, he wasn’t really sure of anything anymore. He knew Dean was right, but everything the past few years had fucked him up so bad.

“Listen, all I’m saying is that you played one of the biggest roles in helping us, even though you were only there a few times. You also proved that you’re not a coward! I mean fuck, even though it took me a while, I understand why you killed me that Tuesday.” Dean was starting to get embarrassed, Gabriel almost laughed, then his mind processed it fully.

Did he say he understood why Gabriel killed him over 100 times?

“You still remember that day?” It was Gabriel’s turn to be surprised. Dean barked out a laugh.

“I don’t remember any of the deaths, but Sammy wouldn’t shut up about it when it was finally Wednesday. I finally got what you were trying to do, and I understand why.” Dean made sure he didn’t make eye contact with Gabriel. Gabriel was quiet.

“We’ve both realized how unhealthy our codependency is, but it’s hard to just let go of it. Y’know?” Gabriel nodded softly, he knew Dean could see him in his peripheral vision.

“Thank you, Dean-o.” Gabriel looked up at the sky, he saw Dean smile at the nickname. Gabriel did miss Dean. He missed Sam more, but Dean was at least fun to talk to when you’re down.

“I’d say anytime, but I hate doing this kind of shit. You tell anybody I did this and you’re gonna be some fried archangel, ya hear me?” Dean shoved his finger into Gabriel’s chest and Gabriel just flashed him a smile.

“Give me your blade.” Dean said as he stood up. Gabriel frowned and was gonna protest but Dean walked off before he could.

“Dean! C’mon that’s not fair!” Gabriel retorted as he trailed behind Dean. He slid his blade in Dean’s hand as he said it. Dean played along.

“Gabriel, stop being annoying and give it to me.” Dean paused in the middle of the hallway. Gabriel could tell he was trying not to break character as he thinned out his lips.

“I happened to kill you 100 times and all of a sudden you don’t trust me! I honestly can’t believe you.” Gabriel scoffed, he was a much better actor than Dean was. Gabriel shot him a look that said to stay in character.

Dean let out a small snicker which quickly caused him to break. Gabriel let out a loud laugh as Dean continued walking, covering his mouth.

“Dude, you can’t even act correctly. You Winchesters have always been bad at acting!” Gabriel hit Dean on the back of his head which caused Dean to cackle. Gabriel watched as his shoulders shook with the strength of his laughter. Gabriel stood next to him, giggling quietly.

“I’m sorry—“ Dean let out a giggle, trying to contain himself.

“I just can’t take it seriously because of how small you are.” Dean finally got out. They turned the corner to go into that weird living room/meeting room area.

“Oh, that was a low blow, Dean-o! I could easily snap you out of existence.” Gabriel retorted back, putting on that weird fake annoyed act he did a lot. Dean let out another laugh.

“At least threaten me correctly! We all know you wouldn’t do that to me, it would hurt your little boy—“ Gabriel kicked Dean in the calf before he could finish, noticing everybody staring at them. Dean grunted, grabbing the back of his leg.

“Ow! Jackass.” Dean tried to slap Gabriel on the back of head but Gabriel ducked before he could even touch him.

“Too slow.” Gabriel grinned at him, causing Dean to frown.

“I see you two are in a good mood…” Castiel blinked, he was in the middle of fixing Jack’s shirt.

“Cassie, Dean’s being mean to me!” Gabriel felt his lips turn upward seeing Dean trying not to laugh again.

“Dean, stop breaking character you’re ruining my performance.” Gabriel reprimanded with his hands on his hips.

“Whatever, you drama queen.” Dean waved him off as he walked over to Jack and Castiel. Gabriel rolled his eyes affectionately before walking over to Sam.

“What happened out there?” Sam glanced down at Gabriel’s arms, he didn’t let a single emotion slip through the cracks in response.

“We talked. Dean surprisingly worked out some of his feelings.” Gabriel summoned a chair behind him and he plopped down into it, pulling the chair up right next to Sam.

“Are you…okay, Gabriel?” Sam finally asked. Gabriel gave a small shrug.

“Dean took my blade if that’s what you’re asking.” Gabriel craned his neck to look at what Sam was reading.

“No, I mean are you—going to be okay? Will those heal okay?” Sam nodded discreetly at Gabriel’s arms.

“It’ll take longer and leave scars, but I’ll be fine.” Gabriel shrugged. He managed to make out a few words in enochian from the book Sam was reading.

“Do you think this will happen again? This kind of episode?” Sam was faking reading, Gabriel could tell he was just blankly staring at the page. Gabriel bit his lip, and then nodded.

“Are you gonna say you don’t know if you can deal with me like this again?” Gabriel whispered, he almost pushed away the chair. Sam rested his hand on Gabriel’s.

“Of course not, Gabriel. I want to do everything I can to help you. I’m just wondering if we need some kind of way for you to contact me. Like a… fail-safe.” Sam squeezed Gabriel’s hand. Gabriel stared at him, not wanting to ruin the moment. He had an idea, he didn’t know if Sam would like it though.

“I could…stay in your room, with you. It’d be easier for both of us.” Gabriel mumbled. Sam seems to think about before nodding softly.

“Okay. I can get an air mattress and you can sleep on my bed—“

Gabriel cut him off. “No! I mean, uhm. No, I’d rather sleep with you.” Gabriel could feel himself getting red in the face. He lowered his voice, fuck he hated this.

“Oh, okay.” Sam seemed completely fine with it, Gabriel almost wanted to retract his decision.

“You translated that wrong.” Gabriel pointed at a sentence in enochian, and then pointed down at Sam’s note sheet.

“It actually says ‘just like how my mother did, i will fuck your father’.” Gabriel tried to keep a straight face. That was what it actually said but Sam somehow managed to get something that ended up translating into a sentence about bananas.

“How the hell did I mess up that bad?” Sam grumbled as he erased the sentence and rewrote it.

“It looks like whoever wrote this messed up the order of some of the letters. Enochian’s a tough language, I’m a little impressed that was all you messed up.” Gabriel quickly scanned over the note sheet, it was perfect. He read the book Sam was trying to translate and he giggled. He could take a guess on who wrote that.

“Man, I can’t believe somebody actually wrote this down!” Gabriel laughed as he read the book.

Sam slowly turned to look at him, like he knew what he was gonna say next.

“There’s no way.” Sam said as Gabriel shot him a grin.

“Oh, you don’t know the half of it. I was bored as shit and probably drunk off my ass when I said this. They were probably so pissed when they translated this.” Gabriel smiled giddily at his work. It was some weird monologue about how he was mad at some human, he was going on and on about how his “mother” cheated so he would also fuck the guys she was fucking.

“I think the best part is that I don’t even have a mother, poor guy probably thought angels were having sex.” Gabriel pointed at the line he made sam retranslate.

“Now that I’m reading it, I didn’t realize you liked guys.” Sam quietly admitted. Gabriel let out a small laugh.

“Sammy, I hate to inflate your weird little ego bubble but gender’s never mattered to me. As long as I like them enough I’ll test the water with ‘em.” Gabriel had a grin on his face. He had never really loved anything before, he liked Kali but he didn’t love her per se. All he knew was that he didn’t have any restrictions when it came to having sex or finding a romantic partner so he never bothered to explain it to anybody.

Sam nodded a little.

Sam shut the book suddenly and stood up, walking out of room.

Gabriel just sat there, almost dumbfounded.

Dean plopped into the chair Sam was sitting in. Damn, he was quick.

“I think you gave him an identity crisis, Gabe.” Dean said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Gabriel looked over and blinked slowly.

“Do I seriously need to spell it out for you? Sammy’s in love with you, dude.” Dean looked frustrated, like he’d been just itching to let Gabriel know finally.

“Oh.” Was all that Gabriel could get out. He felt his face heating up again.

“Since we’re on this subject Cassie is head over heels for you, has been since he met you.” Gabriel might not be the trickster anymore, but he was still a trickster in his own weird way.

Dean and Gabriel locked eyes, neither of them could figure out how to continue.

“Okay, moving on. If you ever need help coping with like suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self harm you can always find me. I’ve got some tips and tricks.” Dean looked away nervously. Gabriel noticed that he never looked at somebody when he was being vulnerable.

“Thanks, big boy.” Gabriel had a cheesy smile on his face.

“Eugh, gross. Save that for in the bedroom man.” Dean smiled back at him, there was no malice or annoyance laced in his voice. Gabriel could get used to this.

“Whatever, get back to your boyfriend and son.” Gabriel pat Dean on the back and leaned back in his chair. He’d leave Sam be for a while.

He noticed Cas walking over and he mentally prepared himself.

Cas sat down on top of the desk, swinging his legs over to the side Gabriel was sitting on.

Cas did that weird thing where he just stared, Gabriel knew he was examining his angelic form and examining him internally.

Gabriel tilted his head at Castiel who finally blinked to snap out of it.

“So?” Gabriel asked as he stretched his arm.

“Your internal organs are fine, your grace is at a healthy amount, but your angel form…” Cas stopped himself, Gabriel knew what he was going to bring up.

“What happened to your wings?” Castiel had a look on his face that looked like he was about to burst into tears, a look that Gabriel had only seen once before.

“Nothing, don’t worry about it.” Gabriel tugged at the skin on his arms, he felt like there were little tiny bugs crawling under his skin.

He felt gross again.

He felt invaded.

“How did he even…” Castiel trailed off. Gabriel knew what he wanted to say, it was obvious.

Gabriel curled in on himself, it was the least he could for his own mind at the moment.

“I-I don’t… know. I don’t know. I don’t even remember what he did.” Gabriel held his hands out and he stared. He wasn’t phased by the blood and the wounds smeared on his hands. He blinked and they were gone. He didn’t know what was real anymore, he didn’t even know if this was real.

“Can I… see them?” Castiel sounded meek, he sounded like a nestling again. There was no pushing or pulling to his tone, he was just simply asking.

Gabriel felt his heart drop.

Cas was still his baby brother.

Cas was the one angel that bothered to care, the one angel that had ever bothered with Gabriel.

Gabriel stood up from the chair and he sat down on the desk, his back facing the room.

“Okay, just… be gentle.” Gabriel exhaled, he watched Castiel nod as extra reassurance before his wings sprouted out with a bright flash of light.

He heard Dean yelp behind them, he assumed Jack wasn’t bothered.

He heard Cas inhale sharply next to him, and he didn’t dare to even look behind him.

Gabriel had seen his wings in mirrors, he knew what they looked like. His top pair were slick with blood, you could see where feathers had been yanked out and where Asmodeus had cut parts of his wings.

His bottom pair was worse, the wing on the right had been snapped in half, part of it sticking out like it branched off. His bottom ones had scars and blood where his archangel blade was taken to them. Feathers had been yanked out too, but they were also cut in half and kept on the wing.

They used to be so beautiful and aureate, they would gleam in the sunlight.

Now? They were nothing but a mucky brown color from all the blood and dried blood.

It was a sick way of keeping Gabriel powerless.

He heard 3 pairs of footsteps behind him, Cas was the slowest while Jack and Dean had ran over.

Only 4 of his wings were showing but he could feel phantom touches run against his other wings.

Castiel muttered something in enochian that Gabriel couldn’t quite make out.

“Dean, go over by Gabriel. Jack you’re gonna help me if I need it.” Castiel commanded. Gabriel smiled softly before he had the realization Castiel was going to touch his wings .

Dean stood to the right of Gabriel, putting a hand out for Gabriel to grab onto.

Castiel ran his hand gently through the feathers, he was being as gentle as possible and then—

Gabriel let out a loud cry when Castiel simply ran his finger across a bone. Castiel froze and he made Jack gently pull back a feather so he could get a better look.

Castiel winced, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to do anything with his powers.

“Is there anything you can do?” Jack asked as he gently let go of the feather. Gabriel winced, his entire body feeling like it was going to betray him.

“No. My powers don’t work on an Archangel, the most we could do is wash them, fix the feathers, and hope they’ll slowly heal on their own.” Castiel crossed his arms.

“How many of your wings did he damage?” Castiel had a sense of dread in his tone. Gabriel smiled weakly.

“Just these 4. I managed to keep the rest hidden.” Gabriel was getting woozy, he knew Dean saw it on his face.

“Wait—You have more than 4?” Dean asked as he put a hand on Gabriel’s chest and back to steady him.

“Yes. Seraphim have 6 wings, and since Archangels are just above Seraphim on the hierarchy they have around 10.” Dean just blinked as he stared at Jack who nodded.

“Jack only has 8 because he’s not a full Archangel.” Gabriel butt in before Dean could ask. Dean shut up after that.

“Ah, I don’t know if we have any holy soap…” Castiel sighed as he paced around the room.

“Because I know you’re going to ask, yes it’s a thing. It’s used specifically for angel feathers.” Gabriel shot a look at Dean as he spoke.

Dean shot a glare back at him.

“Okay, I could either groom and wash your wings or we could have Sam do it.” Castiel suggested. Gabriel choked on his spit at the suggestion of Sam doing it. Dean bit his lip trying to keep in his giggles.

Castiel did his head-tilt (that Gabriel would never admit Castiel copied from him) and squinted at Gabriel. His eyes widened and he slapped a hand over his mouth.

“I thought you two were!—“ Castiel stared with his mouth agape at Gabriel.

“No! I mean okay, yes, I’m deeply in love with him but nothing’s official.”

“Aha!” Dean shouted out with an accusing finger pointing at Gabriel. Gabriel shot a glare at him.

“Guys, we still need to clean Uncle Gabe’s wings.” Jack said from behind Gabriel, Gabriel could feel him gently looking through his feathers. Gabriel couldn’t feel pain, he knew it still hurt like hell but his body had tried to temporarily block out the pain reception.

“Jack go find me some holy soap, please. Dean you help me carry Gabriel to the big bathroom.” Castiel nodded gently towards Jack but gave Gabriel no time to react before Dean was holding him tightly by his legs and Castiel was holding his head.

“Watch the wings!” Gabriel hissed as one of his bigger feathers brushed against a doorframe. Dean rolled his eyes, but adjusted Gabriel so his wings were just hanging there.

They set him down in the tub with a grunt from Dean. Jack appeared in the doorway holding a huge bottle of holy soap.

Castiel took it with a small bow before he ushered Jack out of the bathroom. Gabriel could sense Jack walking into the kitchen.

“Dean, go get your brother, but be slow because Gabriel and I need to talk for a little bit.” Gabriel felt his heart drop, he didn’t want to know what Castiel had noticed. Gabriel could take a guess.

Dean stepped out, he didn’t question it. He likely could tell what it was about.

“Gabriel, what was the extent of your abuse with Asmodeus?” Castiel turned on the water, making sure it was hot but not too hot.

“Why are you asking me Castiel? I know you can tell.” Gabriel snapped his finger quickly to get rid of his clothes. They laid on top of the sink, folded neatly.

“I want to hear it from you. I know it’s scary and I know it’s difficult—but you have a scar from a vaginal laceration.” Castiel was getting distressed, Gabriel could feel his feathers spiking up. He didn’t think he would notice, but like always, Castiel noticed.

Gabriel swallowed, it felt like he was swallowing lead.

“I’m sorry. I know that I’m pushing you to your limits, but this won’t get better unless you open up.” Castiel’s voice was small, he was starting to close in on himself. Gabriel didn’t say anything.

Castiel finally ran his soapy fingers through Gabriel’s feathers. Gabriel could feel tears prickling at the edge of his eyes. Not from the soap.

Neither of them paid any attention to Sam walking in.

“Holy shit.” Gabriel scoffed at Sam’s reaction. That was putting it lightly.

“Hi, Sam. Gabriel, I’m going to move to your lower wings, okay? Tell me if you want me to stop.” Gabriel let out a small sound acknowledging what Castiel said.

“Er, uh. What can I do?” Gabriel had a smile creep onto his face at Sam immediately jumping to action.

He missed Sam while he was with Asmodeus.

Deeply.

“Wash out the soap, I’ll rub it in.” Castiel nodded towards the cup sitting on the edge of the tub. Sam nodded and filled up the cup with waters before letting it gently drip down Gabriel’s wings.

Gabriel shuddered, he was starting to gain feeling in the nerves again.

Castiel was gentle with his snapped wing, Gabriel felt every slight touch, it was painful.

Castiel gently rubbed soap onto an open wound that sat right on top of a bone and Gabriel lurched forward, trying to move his entire body away.

Castiel watched silently as Gabriel’s body was wracked with shaky breaths. Sam bit his lip as he looked between the two of them, not knowing what to do.

“Gabriel,” Sam started, Castiel shot him a look before he saw Gabriel slightly turn in Sam’s direction.

“I know it hurts, I know you don’t like this, but this won’t stop hurting unless you let us fix them.” Castiel was impressed at how quickly he came up with something. Gabriel just sucked in a breath before he moved close enough to the two of them to get his wings fixed.

Castiel shot Sam a look who just shrugged.

Castiel smiled softly to himself. He knew Gabriel took a liking to Sam, he knew that Gabriel had hope in Sam, he could just never tell how deep that hope truly went.

They got back to scrubbing and washing. Gabriel didn’t make a peep but Sam noticed the way his body was shaking with every touch. Gabriel had started to physically restrain himself from moving by grasping onto the tub.

With one last gentle pour of water, his wings were clean.

Gabriel watched silently as the dark brown water had slowly faded to a water with perfect clarity. He pursed his lips, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around himself.

“Okay. Sam, go make sure Gabriel has enough blankets. I’m going to—talk with him.” Castiel shooed Sam out of the room, ignoring his protests. Gabriel watched, a blank expression on his face.

Gabriel stood up, about to step out before Cas yelled at him and told him to, “Stay put!” Gabriel frowned, but he stood there.

Cas left the room, and when he came back he threw Gabriel a towel, shutting the door as he stepped back in.

Gabriel dried himself off, he stood there, trying to decide what to do with the towel before opting to just wrap it around his waist.

“I want you to tell me what exactly Asmodeus did to you in there,” Castiel finally said. He was standing in front of the sink with his arms crossed.

“You know what he did to me!” Gabriel had to restrain himself, he was basically yelling. He prayed nobody heard that.

“I want to hear you say it, I want to hear how you would describe it.” Castiel shot back. Gabriel was irritated by how calm Castiel was being.

“Fine! He raped me. Asmodeus raped me. Is that what you want to hear, Castiel?” Gabriel brought down his voice, he knew he was yelling now. He bit his lip, trying to ignore the feeling of his nails digging into his palm.

Castiel sucked in a breath before nodding softly. Gabriel closed his eyes and inhaled deeply.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell.” Gabriel whispered. That guilty ache in his stomach was coming back.

“Don’t—You didn’t do anything wrong. I should’ve been more careful.” Castiel shook his head. Gabriel didn’t refute that claim, he didn’t have the energy and honestly Castiel was right.

“It was horrible, Cassie. I used up so, so much of my grace just trying to keep my wings hidden. He never even knew I had 3 other pairs, but he could tell my grace was at an abnormally low level.” Gabriel dropped down onto the toilet seat, putting his head in his hands.

Castiel moved from the sink, sitting down at Gabriel’s feet. Gabriel remembered that was how he showed he was listening.

“It wasn’t…painful at first. He didn’t even do it very often. Sometimes it was some sick punishment and other times he was just in a bad mood. I never tried to stop it, couldn’t, really.” Gabriel could hear his voice cracking, he swallowed.

“I don’t know when I got that tear, can’t even name the month for you. I do remember passing out after I got it. I think he left me alone for a while after that. I was so low on grace—and my body was trying to heal itself while trying to recover grace, so I guess it just never healed properly.” Gabriel stared up at the ceiling, he could feel Castiel’s eyes burning into him. What he didn’t expect to feel was a wing wrapping around his ankle. Gabriel looked down, and saw nothing. He could feel it though, Castiel had a wing wrapped around his ankle.

“You don’t need to say anything, Cassie. I know you aren’t good with words.” Gabriel gently scratched at Castiel’s scalp. Castiel just hummed.

“I’m sorry we didn’t find you earlier. I would’ve—I would’ve done anything to find you if I knew you were alive years ago” Gabriel could hear the guilt practically oozing out of Castiel’s voice.

“You don’t need to apologize, I’m just glad I’m home with my family.” Gabriel had a soft smile on his face, Castiel’s head perked up at the words home and family.

“Your…?” Cas tilted his head, blinking.

“I don’t know how else to say it. This is the one place I feel like I belong, and I finally have my baby brother at arm’s length.” Gabriel slid off the toilet seat and dropped down in front of Castiel.

“I’m not your baby brother . I’m one of the oldest angels—“ Gabriel put a finger up to his mouth to shush him.

“You’re the only angel that I actually bothered to care about. Nobody else even dared to come up to me or have an attitude with me. But you? Cas, you marched right up to me one day and demanded I teach you how to fight.” Gabriel grabbed Cas’ cheek, caressing it gently.

“I know you’re older and you’ve grown, but I’ll always see you as that nestling that came up to me demanding something from me.” Gabriel watched Castiel’s emotions change on his face within seconds.

“I know I don’t need to protect you anymore, I know that you can handle yourself and that you’re one of Heaven’s greatest angels, but I still have an instinct—it’s buried deep inside my mind but I always want to keep you at arms-length.” Gabriel could feel himself getting choked up. He sniffled quietly. Castiel looked at him, silent for a moment.

“I…understand what you mean. A little bit, at least. I’ve never been close to any angels, I’ve killed the ones I did get close to, but even though I called them my siblings and knew of them as such…” He trailed off, Gabriel knew where he was going, but was silent. He wanted to hear it from Castiel.

“I never truly thought of them as my siblings. None of them knew who I truly was, what I wanted, who I knew—Nobody knew me . But you did, I showed you the parts that I had kept closed off for millennia, you saw the deepest parts of my soul, and when you left…I felt lost.” Gabriel just stared, he blinked a few times, and let out a small laugh. He didn’t know why he was laughing, and then he realized it was because he was crying.

“Did I say something wrong…?” Gabriel wiped his tears, sniffling quietly. He shook his head at Castiel’s question.

“No, I—I guess I just needed to hear that. Maybe it affected me more because it’s you.” Gabriel cupped Castiel’s face, rubbing his thumb across Castiel’s cheek gently. Cas leaned into it, bringing his hand up. They both sat in silence on the bathroom floor.

Gabriel watched as one of his feathers floated gently to the floor, landing at Castiel’s foot. Cas looked down, perplexed at first, and then his face lit up. Feathers were used as a sign of good luck, especially to angels. Archangel feathers never shed, they were only manually taken out when wings were groomed. Or an archangel could cause one to drop on its own.

Gabriel watched as Castiel gently picked up the feather, examining it. It gleamed in the light of the bathroom, it was a beautiful golden color.

Gabriel stood up before Castiel could say anything. He knew that giving another angel one of his feathers telepathically bonded them for life, and Gabriel was okay with that. He knew that he just blessed Castiel, in a very unorthodox and blasphemous way, but Gabriel was okay with that too.

Gabriel didn’t care what he was called or who called him that. All he knew was that Castiel was the one thing he had left, and he was not going to lose Castiel too.

Castiel stood up and paused in the middle of a word before just letting Gabriel walk out.

Gabriel’s first instinct was to go to Sam’s room. He didn’t know why but he needed Sam right now.

He opened the door, catching Sam by surprise when he enveloped him in a hug. Sam stood there, quiet at first before wrapping his arms around Gabriel.

“Gabe, what’s wrong?” Sam said after about a minute of just standing there.

“I don’t know. I—I just felt like I needed to be with you.” Gabriel whispered. He was still trying to get used to this whole intimacy thing. He loved Sam, that was all he knew. It was all he really needed to know. Sam was the light of his life, the center of his galaxy.

His wings subconsciously wrapped around Sam, wanting to feel his presence.

“Okay, do you want to sit down?” Sam rested his hand in Gabriel’s hair, gently scratching at his scalp.

Gabriel nodded shakily, he looked down and realized that he was still in just a towel. He internally shrugged and pulled a blanket over himself. He leaned against Sam, letting Sam put an arm around him.

Gabriel, in turn, wrapped 2 of his wings around Sam. Sam was careful not to touch them.

He could feel Sam staring down at him, he didn’t bother looking up. He just wanted to be held right now.

“I think I’m in love with you.” Gabriel blurted out. He realized what he said when he could feel Sam’s heart skip a beat. Gabriel froze, he could feel Sam’s hand tighten.

Gabriel could feel his chest tighten, he stared down at his hands. Blood. He blinked and it was still there. He felt the panic grasp on the inside of his chest, it felt like something was clawing at his insides.

He blinked again, hearing Sam saying his name. Gabriel looked up at Sam before looking back down at his hands. Clean. Right.

“Gabriel, you’re here, you’re safe. You’re with me.” Sam grabbed Gabriel’s hands, squeezing them. Gabriel took a shaky breath before nodding.

“I’m sorry, my brain doesn’t know the difference between something as silly as the fear of rejection and being with Asmodeus anymore…” Gabriel muttered. He flexed his fingers, making sure he was still himself. They moved on command and Gabriel exhaled.

“I wasn’t going to reject you, Gabe. I was going to tell you that I loved you too.” Gabriel sucked in a breath, he gave Sam a side-eye. He couldn’t bring himself to look Sam in the eye.

“How long have you loved me, Gabe?” Sam tilted his head. Gabriel thought about it, he blinked slowly.

“I think…since I first met you. I didn’t know what I was feeling back then, I mean—I kind of did.” Gabriel was quiet, Sam just listened silently, keeping his poker-face plastered on.

“I just knew that the second we met, even though I was pretending to be a janitor, I was…enamored by you.” Gabriel spoke with a weird lovesickness to it. He gave a small laugh recalling their first meeting

“I mean, you proved me wrong from the second we met. I thought you would be a terrible person, but you were so, so , nice and it just…ruined me for a while. I was expecting to hate you the way I hated Lucifer, but you were just…too kind. You enveloped my mind, Sammy. I wanted to know everything about you. I wanted to know about the darkest parts of you.” Gabriel’s wings had started to harden, he groaned softly as he adjusted their position. He was careful not to hit Sam.

“If it’s any consolation I thought you were super hot as a janitor. It might’ve been your best look.” Sam almost jumped at the sudden sucker that fell onto his lap. He glanced at it, and then looked over at Gabriel who was bright red in the face.

“Are you…flustered?” Sam tilted his head, blinking a few times. Gabriel put his head in his hands.

“Shut up.” Gabriel gave Sam a small smack with one of his smaller wings. Sam yelped. Gabriel looked over, forgetting his own strength.

“Okay, point taken,” Sam laughed, putting the sucker in his mouth. Gabriel sat there in shock for a moment. He was surprised Sam wasn’t upset that he hit him so harshly with his wing.

Sam took notice of Gabriel’s (almost unnoticeable) worried expression on his face.

“Gabe, if something ever upsets me I’ll let you know. I promise.” Sam moved one of his hands onto Gabriel’s lap. Gabriel exhaled shakily, grabbing Sam’s hand with his. Gabriel could feel his feathers starting to soften up, he gave one flap of his wings to try and stretch them.

“Eugh—Sam, can you help me with my wings? I can feel some of my feathers about to fall out.” Gabriel snapped his fingers, and his clothes were back on. He let out a relieved exhale.

“You’ll need to walk me through it…” Sam trailed off. Gabriel smiled at his immediate helpfulness.

Gabriel pulled Sam up from off the bed, catching Sam before he could fall too far forward. Gabriel flopped down onto the bed lying on his back, just staring at the ceiling for a few seconds. He rolled over onto his stomach and spread both pairs of his wings out completely. Sam stood at the foot of the bed, trying to figure out how to go about this. Gabriel’s wings took up most of the room.

“Start with the big pair. Gently run your hands through my wings starting at the base and let the ones that come loose fall to the ground.” Gabriel mumbled. Sam swallowed heavily before nodding. He walked over to the right side of the bed and started gently running his fingers through Gabriel’s wings.

He tried to be as gentle as possible, avoiding any of the wounds that were still healing. A lot of them just looked like scars at this point, which Sam took as a sign that Gabriel’s grace was healing him automatically.

“You can use more force, I’m not going to break on you.” Gabriel teased as he adjusted his torso on the bed.

Sam sighed and waded his fingers through the feathers, catching all of the loose ones and throwing them to the ground. He took notice of the pile of feathers that was multiplying by his feet. Gabriel started burbling, doing anything he could to avoid purring.

He didn’t even know why he purred, he was more of a bird than anything and birds chirped.

He could feel Sam give each section one last little shake before walking over to the other side. Gabriel hummed softly as Sam did the same thing on the other side. Gabriel opened an eye lazily, and watched as feathers piled up on the floor. Sam didn’t seem to pay any mind to them at the moment and just kept plucking out the loose feathers. Gabriel took notice that he was also gently fixing the feathers by smoothing down the surface. Gabriel couldn’t keep it down and started purring softly.

Sam gave his wings one last shake, dropping any feathers that were stuck to him onto the ground. Gabriel could hear him move back to the foot of the bed, examining his wings.

“Did Cas not splint your wing?” Sam asked as he walked over and gently ran a hand over the broken wing.

“No, we didn’t have time. It should piece itself back together on its own.” Gabriel waved it off but he could tell Sam wasn’t happy with that answer.

“How do I splint it?” Sam asked firmly. Gabriel let out a soft exhale and summoned a roll of bandages onto the nightstand.  Sam snatched them before Gabriel could change his mind, and looked down at Gabriel for instructions.

“You need to wrap the bandages around the wing in a figure 8. Start on the bottom of the wing and wrap the bandage around diagonally. Make sure it’s taped securely and correctly before you wrap the bandage around again. Only this time make sure you cross over the first layer you applied.” Gabriel watched intensely as Sam worked slowly. Gabriel could tell he was scared he was going to worsen the wing. Gabriel kicked him gently, reassuring him that it’s fine. Sam nodded softly and finished splinting the wing. Gabriel let out a soft exhale, gently shaking his wings to get any extra feathers out.

“What are we doing with all your feathers?”

“Hmm? Oh,” Gabriel snapped his fingers and all of the feathers in the room vanished. Gabriel didn’t know where they went, it didn’t really matter. At least they were out of the bunker.

“You should probably cover your eyes,” Gabriel said to Sam as he flipped onto his back and sat up. Sam raised an eyebrow, but covered his eyes anyways. Gabriel glared at him before his wings disappeared with a bright flash of light.

Sam turned back around and glanced at Gabriel who was now lying flat against the bed with his eyes closed. Sam jumped when Gabriel’s eyes suddenly shot open and looked at Sam.

“Sorry, hiding my wings takes up a lot of strength.” Gabriel scooted over to one side of the bed and pat the empty side.

“You’re just hiding them? In what way?”

“They can’t be seen by anybody but I can still very faintly feel them.”

Sam nodded softly and leaned back against the wall. Gabriel leaned up against Sam’s chest, pulling his legs up into the fetal position.

Gabriel wrapped an arm around Sam’s torso, grabbing onto his shirt on the other side.

“Are you okay with this? All of this?” Gabriel muttered as he nuzzled his cheek against Sam’s torso. Sam rested his hand gently on Gabriel’s back, scratching it.

“Of course I am. Gabriel, what’s up with you today?” Sam looked down at Gabriel who was anxiously avoiding eye contact. Gabriel’s grip tightened on Sam’s shirt slightly, but Sam noticed.

“I’m sorry, I just feel so scared that this is all a dream. That you won’t be here when I wake up. I feel like I’m still back there.” Gabriel was starting to shake, and Sam managed to calm him down a little by gently rubbing circles on his back.

“What can I do to prove to you that this is real?” Sam was gentle again, Gabriel looked up at him. Sam was as patient as ever as Gabriel tried to come up with something.

Something that could only happen if this was real.

“Kiss me.” Gabriel sat up, pure determination sparking in his eyes. Sam’s mouth fell open, Gabriel could tell he was hesitating.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to, I’m not going to force you to do anything, Sammy.” Gabriel purred softly. Sam just gave a cheeky grin before pulling Gabriel in for a kiss.

It was messy and uncoordinated, but neither of them seemed to care. Gabriel smiled warmly against Sam’s lips before he pulled away.

“Thank you.” Gabriel whispered softly. Sam hummed softly in response, putting an arm around Gabriel. Gabriel snuggled up against Sam’s chest, it felt like everything had melted away.

Like this had always been their way of life.

It took Gabriel a while to even move past Asmodeus, even though he was dead Asmodeus still crept into Gabriel’s dreams and haunted every corner of his mind. He sometimes refused to fall asleep because of how much Asmodeus ruined him.

Gabriel looked up at Sam, and he saw nothing but the love of his life.

Gabriel had loved before, in many ways, but Sam Winchester was the first one to truly understand Gabriel.

Gabriel felt loved.

He felt like everything he had ever loved and cared for was right where he needed it.

This was where he belonged. This bunker was his home, his lifeline.

He thought about Castiel and the way he taught Castiel everything he knew, the way that Castiel had taken to pranking Michael after he saw Gabriel doing it. Castiel was grown, he was big now, he could survive on his own just fine, but Gabriel didn’t like that. He didn’t like Castiel not needing him anymore because if Castiel didn’t, then who did?

He thought about Dean. Dean was funny. He’d been so rigid towards Gabriel when they first met, for good reason. Dean was who convinced Gabriel to fight Lucifer, he was who changed Gabriel’s mind. Gabriel never expected they would get close, he never intended for any of this to happen. Maybe it was fate.

Fate was a funny thing, Gabriel never liked the idea of fate. He had defied fate plenty of times, it was destiny that had fucked him over.

Then he thought of Jack. Sweet little Jack. He was still just a baby in Gabriel’s eyes, Jack was still a nestling. He hadn’t learned how to truly fly yet. Jack had so much to learn, and Castiel was the one teaching him. For somebody related to Lucifer he was so kind-hearted, he was so pure. Gabriel had wished he was there more, he wanted to be more present in Jack’s life. He deserved an uncle that cared.

Gabriel could barely care for himself nowadays, he didn’t know if he could be that uncle.

Sam made it easier. Sam made everything easier. Sam had kept Gabriel grounded. He wouldn’t be alive if he didn’t care for Sam. He couldn’t leave Sam, he knew that Sam wasn’t as obsessed with him as Gabriel was with Sam. He could handle that, but he couldn’t handle his own obsession very well.

Sam looked down at him after Gabriel was silent for so long and Gabriel snapped out of it.

“What were you thinkin’ about?” Sam asked quietly. Gabriel could tell he was getting sleepy.

“Just how lucky I am to have you in my life. Rest your eyes pretty boy, I can tell you’re tired.” Gabriel gently pat Sam’s chest. Sam grumbled but ultimately turned around and laid on his right side.

Gabriel could only pray that this was real, that Sam would be here when he woke up. All he had to rely on right now were his senses.

He didn’t need to sleep, no angel did, but Gabriel decided to sleep anyways. He had been emotionally exhausted all day.

Chapter Text

Gabriel woke up, squirming in Sam’s arms. He ultimately gave up and accepted defeat when he realized Sam wasn’t going to let go. 

“Mornin’ sleepyhead.” Sam grumbled into his ear. Gabriel jumped, frowning when he realized he couldn’t turn over. 

“Let go of me,” Gabriel hissed as he tried to break free once again. Sam let out a breathy chuckle before loosening his arms. Gabriel rolled away from Sam, panting softly. He looked over at Sam and glared at him, Sam just smiled in response.

”You’re a very terrifying sleeper,” Sam mumbled as he sat up. Gabriel raised an eyebrow at that. “You don’t move at all in your sleep, I thought you were dead at least 3 times throughout the night.” Sam elaborated, Gabriel blinked.

He’d never been a restless sleeper, but he’d never been so still that somebody thought he was dead. Gabriel looked at his hands, examining his body. He looked fine, nothing seemed off. Maybe it was a freeze response to somebody else being there. 

He never did well with another person in the room while he slept, the only exception to that was Castiel.

He looked over at Sam again who was currently perusing Gabriel. He didn’t seem to be judging him, if anything Sam was enamored by him. Gabriel looked away shyly, going to stand up.

”You okay?” Sam’s voice had gone soft again, like he thought he did something. Gabriel froze, he didn’t know what to say.

He wasn’t okay, not one bit, but he also wanted to say he was because Sam was there. Gabriel didn’t know anything anymore. He’d been alive for billions of years, and he still found himself with a loss of an answer whenever Sam Winchester was the one asking the question.

“Gabriel…” Sam trailed off, Gabriel knew he wanted to push, to pry, to peel Gabriel open until he was most vulnerable. Gabriel didn’t know if he was ready for that yet. It would take time, but Sam would be able to peel back layers little by little.

Gabriel laid back down on the bed, laying on his right side to get a good look at Sam. He was disheveled, he looked like the angriest sleeper in the world. Gabriel felt a fond smile grow on his face.

”You stayed with me.” Was all that Gabriel could whisper out. Sam seemed taken aback at first, almost confused, before he frowned slightly.

”Of course I did,” Sam said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, like he wouldn’t have done anything else. Gabriel could feel tears welling in his eyes. He blinked them back pathetically. Sam was quiet, waiting for an answer. Gabriel didn’t have any sort of response. He still couldn’t believe that Sam had stayed with him. 

“Why?” It was such a simple question, but it had so much strength. Sam was quiet again, but he didn’t break eye contact.

”Because I love you, Gabriel.” Sam sat up, looking at Gabriel with such a soft glimmer of admiration in his eyes. Gabriel bit his lip, he broke the eye contact but could feel Sam staring at him.

Gabriel didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t say anything, no words came out when he opened his mouth. When Sam realized that Gabriel was at a loss for words he kept going.

”I love you. I love you so much. I would do anything you asked me to, I would do anything if it meant I could keep you.” Gabriel listened, taking it in. It was overwhelming but it was so nice to hear. He wanted to hear more.

Sam sat up all the way, putting a hand on Gabriel’s shoulder. “I would do anything if it meant I woke up to your face every morning.” Gabriel felt like he was about to burst into tears, he was never one for intimacy. Especially not like this. He wasn’t made to deal with this. He used to be able to reel in his emotions, he used to demolish entire cities with the tip of his wing.

“I’m sorry I’m such a wreck. You deserve better.” Gabriel sniffled, Sam pulled Gabriel into his arms, letting him cry. 

“I don’t want better. I want you, Angel.” Sam’s voice was sickeningly sweet. Gabriel felt a soft smile tug at his lips, he exhaled softly. 

“That sounds like a wedding proposal.” Gabriel teased. Sam grinned at the realization that Gabriel was starting to break through the cracks. His Gabriel.

“Maybe it is.” Sam teased back. They both paused and looked at each other. Gabriel looked like he wanted to say something while Sam contemplated why he said that.

”Wow Sammy, I thought you would wait longer before proposing to me.” Gabriel shot him a grin, lying back on the pillows. Sam scoffed with a small smile on his face, his hands ran through Gabriel’s hair. Gabriel purred almost silently, not resisting touch for once. He didn’t feel sick when another person touched him anymore, he didn’t feel disgusting.

He felt clean, like God himself had picked him up and scrubbed him clean of impurities. 

‘Dad would be furious at me right now,’ was all that Gabriel could think. Gabriel believed deep down that God wouldn’t be upset in any way. He would be happy, in His own weird way. Gabriel knew he wasn’t the favorite, he never had been. What he did know was that God had never been angry at him. He never yelled at Gabriel, raised His voice, He had always observed Gabriel. 

Gabriel was the blueprint for humanity, the very first test subject. Gabriel was humanity its purest and most virtuous form. Gabriel was humanity. That was what Lucifer never truly understood, Gabriel was exactly what humanity would turn out to be.

They both started off pure and unfiltered before lust and greed overtook their senses. That was God’s plan from the start, to create something that was blemished and imperfect. Gabriel had always believed he was an outcast, the black sheep of the family. As he got older, he learned to love, learned to hate, learned to cherish, he learned to feel.

Gabriel never truly understood why he existed. He still didn’t understand fully. All he knew was that he was one of God’s most cherished creations. He was the beginning. Gabriel was everything that God hoped for him to be. He hoped that Gabriel would stray, he would find his own path, make his own story, forge his own destiny. Everybody had their destiny written out, had their fate tied. Gabriel was an exception to that, for reasons unknown to him. 

He looked at Sam and all he could think about were the stories they could make, the destiny they would reweave, the paths they could travel. Together.

They would do this together, one step at a time. Sam would be with Gabriel every step of the way, no matter how long it took. Gabriel wasn’t fully back on his feet, he was still trying to heal mentally. He would do it with Sam there.

Sam, Sam, Sam. Was all that Gabriel could hear that pounding in his brain. It was seeping through the white noise that he had started to play during his time with Asmodeus.

Sam looked down at him with nothing but admiration filling his eyes. He had a soft smile on his face, one cheek squished against the palm he was resting it on. Gabriel smiled softly.

”Are you actually considering getting married?” Sam whispered, he was nervous. Gabriel didn’t need to hear it, he could feel it. It was loud in Gabriel’s ears, like the rushing of waves that you couldn’t overtake.

”I’m not opposed to the idea.” Gabriel whispered back. He wouldn’t mind being intrinsically connected to somebody if it was Sam Winchester. He would spend billions of years without Sam Winchester if it meant that they ended up together. He wanted to be part of Sam in a primal way. 

“Wouldn’t it make sense if we dated first?” Sam giggled, Gabriel knew he was joking, but he couldn’t help but praise himself.

”When have I ever cared about making sense?” Gabriel booped Sam on the nose, grinning at him. Sam dropped down on the pillow next to him, resting his head on his hands. Sam let out a soft laugh. Gabriel felt his heart skip a beat at the realization at how truly domestic this was. He could get used to this.

”I guess you’re right. Gabriel the Archangel, will you marry me and make the happiest man in the world?” Sam said. Gabriel giggled softly, cupping Sam’s cheek.

“You’re so cheesy, y’know that? I do, Sam Winchester.” Gabriel gave Sam a soft peck on the lips. He didn’t have any complaints. Sure there was no ‘get down on one knee’, it was in a stupid Men of Letters bunker room, and there was no ring, but Gabriel wouldn’t have it any other way. The Winchesters had never been known to do things the usual way. Neither had Gabriel. This was the most unnatural proposal ever, but it was so natural at the same time.

Gabriel snapped his fingers, and with a small clink there was a ring on each nightstand on the different sides of the bed. Sam turned around and gently grabbed the ring. It fit his finger perfectly. Gabriel slid his matching one on and grinned. It was a simple silver band with a (fake) diamond carved into the shape of a Forget-Me-Not. 

“A Forget-Me-Not?” Sam questioned. Gabriel had a shy smile on his face. Sam’s face softened, his eyes turning glossy.

“You know my favorite flower? Oh, and it’s a fake diamond!” Sam’s excitement and feeling of being cherished were intertwined. Gabriel could only smile, he wanted it to stay like this. 

“There is…one more thing I want, in order to make this official.” Gabriel hesitated, he didn’t need Sam to agree to this, he wanted Sam to agree to this. Sam raised an eyebrow, he blinked softly.

”Your soul. I don’t want to own it that’s far too invasive for both of us, I just want to be able to hold it at will.” Gabriel started to reach for Sam’s soul before pulling back. Sam just blinked.

”That’s it? You don’t want ownership of it?” Sam asked, his head angles slightly. Gabriel considered it, but decided against it.

”That’s all I want. I’ve never been interested in owning souls, they don’t do hold value to me.” Gabriel nodded, he was possibly crossing a major line in Heaven’s book. He honestly couldn’t care less.

Sam pondered it for a total of 3 seconds before nodding. “Okay. Do you need my verbal consent or something?” Gabriel thought about it for a moment, he didn’t need it. He just needed Sam to allow him to reach in towards his soul.

”No. Hold out your hand.” Gabriel sat up, Sam following immediately after. Sam hesitated, but he held his hand out. Gabriel gently grabbed his wrist, pressing down on the vein on his underarm. Sam sucked in a breath. Gabriel’s other hand reached for Sam’s chest. His hand rested on Sam’s heart.

Then, his hand went through Sam’s skin.

He mentally prepared himself before he started gently searching for Sam’s soul. Sam was silent, but Gabriel could tell he was confused on why it didn’t hurt. Gabriel’s grace slowly dripped down Sam’s chest, glowing a bright but soft blue color. 

Sam’s eyes watched in amazemnet. Gabriel searched blindly for that glowing flame. He felt it whisper against his hand and he gently moved his hand towards it. He grabbed it, holding it tight in his hand before he yanked his hand out. His grace was dripping down Sam’s chest, it looked like he was bleedinga strange blue liquid.

Gabriel opened his fist and stared at Sam’s soul. Sam just stared. Neither of them moved their hands, Gabriel’s was still tightly grasping onto Sam’s wrist.

”Is that…” Sam was breathless, it looked beautiful. 

“Beautiful, isn’t it? A soul is a beautiful amalgamation of a human’s every trait.” Gabriel gently ran a finger across the top, watching the way the flame flickered softly. It moved like a flame, Sam’s soul was a beautiful red color with orange and blue swirling around. 

“I didn’t know you could physically hold it.” Sam reached out to touch it. He poked the middle of it and watched as it jerked away from his touch. Gabriel let out a soft laugh.

”It’s only something an angel can conjure up. Give me a moment.” Gabriel removed his hand from Sam’s arm, noticing Sam’s small frown at the loss of touch. Gabriel rolled his eyes playfully before he held the soul out in one hand and held out his other hand.

Suddenly, there was a perfect physical copy of Sam’s soul. It looked and acted the exact same. Sam blinked. “What did you just do?” Sam asked as he reached for the second one. Gabriel smacked his hand before he could touch it.

”I made a faux copy of your soul. So I can have it with me everywhere.” Gabriel said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. He snapped his fingers and the faux one was gone. Gabriel gently reached toward Sam’s chest again, looking up at him for permission. Sam nodded softly.

His hand phased through once again, and suddenly Sam gasped. He coughed and tried to catch his breath.

”Sorry, I forgot it can be weird having your soul manually placed back into your body.” Gabriel smiled softly, removing his hand. Sam coughed a few more times before heaving. Gabriel put a finger to Sam’s forehead and he was fine.

”Thanks.” Sam whispered. Gabriel smiled at him, like he didn’t cause that in the first place.

“I feel like we should get out of the room. I don’t want your brother telling Cassie anything he shouldn’t.” Gabriel didn’t elaborate. Sam wanted fo ask him to, but he’d probably just say something like ‘you know how your brother is!’ and then not elaborate on that either. So Sam just simply stood up and pulled Gabriel up with him. 

Gabriel steadied himself on Sam’s shoulder, still not fully himself. He won’t ever be himself again, but maybe that was okay.