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Language:
English
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Published:
2025-04-16
Updated:
2025-07-05
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1,866
Chapters:
4/?
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53
Kudos:
57
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MY MOM SOLD ME TO THE CRANE WIVES FOR A 15 DOLLAR SUBWAY GIFTCARD!!!!

Summary:

after you wake up for breakfast and immediately start playing balatro on your phone(because your addicted to it) like any other Saturday your mom actually kicks you

she mutters something about how do i talk to my homosexual offspring and speaks up "uhm...your not eating....your not serving....not you getting sold to the crane wives for a subway giftcard...." your suprised she actually talked to you for the first time in your life and you hear a knock......

Notes:

im really really sorry and apologize to the community heavily for this

Chapter 1: THE SALE!!!!!

Chapter Text

after you wake up for breakfast and immediately start playing balatro on your phone(because your addicted to it) like any other Saturday your mom actually kicks you

she mutters something about how do i talk to my homosexual offspring and speaks up "uhm...your not eating....your not serving....not you getting sold to the crane wives for a subway giftcard...." your suprised she actually talked to you for the first time in your life and you hear a knock......

your mom opens it and kicks you out the door(is this even legal) you watch as ben hands a 15 dollar subway giftcard to her(you know your so worth atleast 1 dollar more) suddenly kate looks at you with her terrifying blue eyes and pushes you into a van that says "free girlfriends" she gets in the back of the van aswell?

she finally speaks up after staring at you for like 5 minutes
"what the sigma are your pronouns"
"uh...uhm they/them" you say anxiously
she speaks up her eyes glowing a new satanic blue color "are you scared?"
"yeah" you respond
*she hands you empty redbull can* "what the fuck am i meant to do with this"
"eat it the metal is good tasting" its clear she is now evil kate and she does an evil laugh eyes still glowing blue and satanic
honestly you think what the fuck is wrong with her until you notice a beanie has manifested onto her head magically weird
oh and the van starts moving

20 minutes later

kate has not spoken this entire time and has instead just smiled????
she pushes you out the van and emilee starts handcuffing you....
"dont worry just for the walk to the crane wives mansion"
this is weird you decide to ask a question "why does the van say free girlfriends"
she replies excitedly as if she thought of the idea(she did) "oh to lure our fans the other side says free garlic bread for our ace aro fans"
kate is still weirdly smiling so you decide to ask another question "what the fuck is wrong with kate rn"
dan talks clearly distracted "uh yeah idk she just does that.....i think she has a personality disorder"
we finally get into the crane wives mansion and emilee leads you into a padded wall room and unhand cuffs you "alright im gonna get you a room based on your search history even your incognito we have that dont worry so it will be accurate" she says before she locks you in the marshmallow room with nothing

Chapter 2: the room

Summary:

you get your new room and things go weird and quirky

Notes:

i would have written this last night but i forgot so anyways here it is

Chapter Text

after hours in the white marshmallow psych ward room or whatever emilee put you in she comes back and leads you to a room
"ok so this is based on your search history" she grins and says. in the room there is a glass jar of uranium on a self a bed with a the fool in her wedding gown bed sheet and there is also a life sized phoebe bridgers cardboard cutout "wow this is great room" you say lying this was not a great room at all she looks at you and says again "we'll come back with more gifts that we know you will like also" 4 minute later kate walks in normal this time she speaks up "i made you cookies no poison trust me" you stare at her "what!!!!!! DO YOU MEAN NO POISON???????????? WERE YOU PLANNING ON POISONING THEM" she acts surprised your surprised "well yessss but ben told me not too anyways goodbye" she leaves you eat your cookies in silence on the tfihwg bed they weren't poisoned you decide to fall asleep

timeskip

"ugh what time is it" you announce to nobody
emilee comes back in the room it's a clock that reads 'uranium time' for each hour
she speaks up "i thought you would like this because you like uranium and radioactivity soooooooooooo much"(you do not) you just respond “okay but what time is it actually”
She checks an invisible watch(she literally does not have on her wrist) “its 3:33pm” you wonder how she knows that or if she made it up but you don't question it she speaks up again “oh we forgot to feed you lunch” and she drags you through the crane mansion and into a room with 7.5(one of the chairs is cut in half) chairs around a table she makes you sit down and calls over ben and dan they start microwaving food and put it in front of you it's literally just mac n cheese you start eating emilee speaks up again “don't forget to thank them” you have no idea why you would thank them for microwaving mac n cheese but you speak up anyways “thank you ben and dan” they seem happy and disappear again as soon as your done emilee leads you back in the room kate is there just standing in the room for some reason she says “we have something planned tomorrow so sleep” she hands you a pill and forces you to take it you fall asleep

Chapter 3: THE CRANE ROBBERY!!!!(for kates meds)

Summary:

special things are coming HEHEHE

Notes:

kate was not evil this entire thing just normal psychotic and hallucinating

Chapter Text

You wake up kate is still in your room stand there you check the clock(its uranium time)after checking the time you notice the clock is completely useless well you already knew that kate is still there “k..kate you alive” you ask “oh yeah sorry i was just listening to the other people in the room talk” she responds you find this very confusing as your the only on here you think she is probably hallucinating she starts walking back over to you and speaks up “alright we have something special planned a family game” you smile knowing your apart of the crane family and she grabs your wrists and drags you out of the room you see a bunch of words on the wall mainly saying things like “SHUT UP SHUT UP” and “MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP” you decide to ask about it “what's with the words on walls” you say she responds “i was telling the people talking to me to shut up” you wonder if she hears voices(she does) after awhile she takes you into a garage with a black van she shoves you in the back(not trunk) and buckles you in she texts someone on her phone and the rest of the crane wives come emilee speaks up “ill drive” she gets in the driver's seat and the rest of the crane wives get in the car she starts driving you have no idea where they are taking you but your excited after some time emilee speaks up “we’re here” its literally a pharmacy “where is the game???” you ask “oh the game is we’re gonna rob it” you seem surprised but actually think that would be cool “SICK” you say “okay so like your gonna distract them by pretending to shoplift and we’ll sneak in the back with guns” ben says “so like do you take any meds so we can get them” dan adds kate pushes you out she is holding a shotgun(she should not be allowed to have this) they make you go inside you start talking to the person at the counter and sneak something in your pocket the person stops you and they are finally in the back and hit them over the head and shoot them somehow without any cameras seeing???? They start putting all the medication in the bag(why?) and walk out somehow without triggering any security ben blurts out “OKAY KATE NOW TAKE THE ANTI PSYCHOTICS NOW” Kate simply points the gun at him “NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” she screams “if you hate me so much then i'll just shoot myself because you seem to hate the real me alot” shes adds emilee snatches the shotgun from her hand “sorry for that she normally does that” she says she gets near your ear and whispers “you can put it in a yogurt for her” emilee drives back and puts you in your room later you have no idea how long later because the fucking uranium clock she comes back and says kate wants a yogurt she leads you and crushes up the meds and lets you dump them and mix them in her yogurt after that she lets you stay in the main room the tv has a shitty youtube analog horror series kate put on and forces them to keep on 24/7 because its her comfort show(you think its really weird that an analog horror youtube series would be her comfort show) “want anything for your room” she asks you respond “yeah a proper bathroom” she leads you into a spare room a marshmallow room again and leaves you in there you here construction noises mixed with “YEOUCH OUCHHHH OWWW YEOUCH” for hours you decide to just sleep

Chapter 4: THE GAMESHOW WIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Summary:

gameshow......chaos.....tomato

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

You wake up in the spare room kate leads you back to your normal room and lets out a little laugh(oh no) you have a bathroom now at least you notice a button you click it a large sign comes from the ceiling and the room expands the sign says “THE GAMESHOW” interesting there's a curtain thingy emilee pops out and brings you to the front there is an entire audience(of tcw fans) there is also a stand thing for you on the front it says “they/them”(they don't know your name) some lights come on dan plays a loud horn “HELLOOOOO WELCOME TO THE CRANE WIVES GAMESHOW….” everyone cheers you are given no explanation with a megaphone ben shouts “WHAT IS 1+1.” a screen appears above you with the options ben shouts into the megaphone again “OPTION A EIGHTEEN. OPTION B OPTION A. OPTION C CALIFORNIA. OPTION D YOUR MOM” you think what the fuck a timer pops up on the screen above you it says 1 minute you think about it(what is there to think about) and blurt out “OPTION D” emilee says “TRICK QUSTION IT WAS NONE OF THEM YOU WIN NOTHING” the stage transforms into a parkour course? Kate says “OKAY COMPLETE IT” you start completing the parkour your surprisingly good at it you finally beat it ben shouts into the megaphone “THEY/THEM CLAIM YOUR PRIZE” its a snickers bar….. Everyone cheers for some reason they sing one of their songs it not one you’ve heard before but its not new they ask you to sing with them so you do you barely know the lyrics suddenly a tomato hits you and you faint….. You wake up in a room full of evil kate posters there is also a sign that says “medical room” they treat you kate gives you some stupid fake diagnosis called “fr aint got good oh tragic disorder” she does not shorten it weird they start explaining something all together you cant really hear what they are saying because the way the tomato hit you….you pass out you wake up and you can hear properly dan says “hello good morning” and takes you back to your room you pass out in your room……

Notes:

comment if you have ideas pls