Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Sebastian tried to be nice. He really did.

He’s actually been nice all year, hasn’t he? He wasn’t the one who stole the New Directions’ trophy or forced the Warblers to take drugs. That was all Hunter, and Sebastian only followed his plans because Hunter was supposed to know what he was doing and he was supposed to be the one to finally give them a victory after two years in a row losing to a fucking public school. Sebastian did the exact same thing as all the other Warblers who took the shots. There’s also that other Hunter thing, of course, but that’s irrelevant at this point, because the important thing is that Sebastian has been nice. As nice as Sebastian Smythe can be.

However, there’s something about Blaine Anderson that brings out the worst in him. He’s nothing but a whiny, annoying and, worst of all, boring excuse of a man who is completely infuriating to be around and Sebastian can’t believe he wasted time chasing him last year fully knowing he wasn’t the one who was worthy of his attention. But if we want to tell an honest story the first thing to admit is that he wasn’t even really chasing Blaine in the sense that he didn’t really care about whether something happened between them or not. He wouldn’t have complained if he got laid because he doesn’t have to like a guy to fuck him, but the truth is he was having the most fun during the chase, just not with him.

There’s also something about Kurt Hummel that brings out the worst in him in a drastically different way. Kurt is the complete opposite of Blaine. He’s not whiny or annoying and he’s certainly not boring. He’s fun to be around because they don’t seem to be capable of speaking with civilized words and communicate exclusively with insults and endless teasing. He would never admit it out loud, but that’s the most fun he’s had since he came back from France and there’s been some sort of emptiness in his life since they’re out of each other’s lives that cannot be filled by anyone or anything. Yes, I know it’s a little dramatic, but it’s the truth and this is a story about truth—among other things—so truth will be told whether Sebastian wants it or not.

One of the truths Sebastian doesn’t want you to know is that sometimes he goes to the Lima Bean and sits by himself in a corner with his lukewarm cup of coffee waiting for Kurt to show up even though he knows the guy is living in New York. He’s just that pathetic sometimes. And by sometimes I mean at least twice a week. A big part of why he does all of this is that what he likes the most about Kurt is that he can be himself around him, which is also a problem because “himself” is not a nice person. If you think about it, he probably wouldn’t have been nice this year if he had Kurt around. At least not to Kurt because neither of them can be nice to each other. It’s physically impossible. He would vomit if he tried to make small talk with him.

Fuck. He really misses whatever they had going on.

Another thing Sebastian doesn’t want you to know is that sometimes he thinks about fucking Kurt. Not necessarily the act itself, but he wonders what would’ve happened if he tried. He knows it would’ve worked eventually, because even though Kurt is certainly a challenge, he’s also a human being with eyes that work, and that thought gives him a strange sensation of peace.

Anyways.

Blaine Anderson and Kurt Hummel. There’s something unnatural about them being a couple, they’re like two puzzle pieces from completely different parts of the puzzle that look like they could fit but don’t, and the only way to make them fit is by cutting the edges of one of the pieces. Of course, Kurt’s edges are the ones being cut so he can be with Blaine, because he’s always the one who has to compromise. Blaine is pretty much useless in that relationship and it’s not even worth it because no matter how much of Kurt’s edges are cut to fit with Blaine, the image ends up messed up and it’s painfully obvious to everyone who looks at them from the outside. A year ago he told Kurt that Blaine was too good for him, but everyone—including Sebastian—knows it was the other way around. Kurt needs someone who challenges him, someone who can keep up with him, and, most importantly, someone he can have fun with, and Sebastian highly doubts he can get any of that from Blaine.

The big problem is Kurt either doesn’t know or doesn’t understand it and now Blaine is going to fucking propose to him. And Sebastian agreed to help him.

Yes, he tried to be nice. He tried as hard as he could but right now he must do everything in his power to save Kurt from Evil Ewok.

If you think about it, that’s also very nice of him.

You must be wondering why Sebastian agreed to help if he’s so against it, and the answer is quite simple: He had no choice because Blaine Anderson cast a spell on the Warblers and to this day they’re doomed to worship the ground he steps on, so Sebastian would’ve only looked like an asshole if he disagreed and they’d do it anyway whether he liked it or not.

Now, there are a lot of obstacles to overcome in order to achieve this, because he made all of this harder for himself from the moment he met Kurt. It’s not like he knew he could ever be in this situation, so it’s not entirely his fault, but the thing is that because of everything that happened between them he simply cannot speak to him directly.

He can’t text Kurt because last time they saw each other he still hated him and if he just talks to him out of nowhere he would think Sebastian is plotting to break him and Blaine up again so he can have Blaine to himself, which is ridiculous because if he wanted Blaine he would’ve tried something with him as soon as he heard about their breakup. No, that’s not true. He would’ve tried something with Blaine as soon as Kurt left for New York. But that’s not the point. The point is that he can’t reach out to Kurt, so he’ll have to find a way to stop this insanity altogether without Kurt finding out.

He wonders if Blaine has ever gotten a psychiatric evaluation. He probably has since there’s no way nobody ever noticed that there’s something deeply wrong with him on a pathological level, because one doesn’t need to be a professional to know this is clinically insane behavior. Oh, God. Do his parents even know he’s planning to propose to the guy he got back together with like yesterday?

Sebastian considers for a second setting up an intervention before taking other measures, but that’s terribly boring, and we all know Sebastian is not the kind of guy who settles for the boring option when he can get creative. Especially not when he’s spent the entire year too busy trying to be nice to have any real fun.

He locks himself up in his dorm room and once again he feels immensely lucky to have a family that can afford to pay for the other half of the room so he can have some peace and quiet. All he had to do was pretend to be exhausted one weekend when he went home and complain to his mom about how he couldn’t sleep because his roommate snored and sleepwalked. She couldn’t allow that to happen to his baby boy, so she told Sebastian’s dad and they both went to Dalton and made this ridiculous donation so he could have the room to himself. He must admit he often takes advantage of his parent’s love, but he doesn’t feel guilty about it because it’s not like they’ll be broke because of shit like this. He gets what he wants and nobody gets hurt.

So he takes off his shoes, gets a notebook, a pen, and sits on the bed with his legs crossed. He opens the notebook on a blank page and leaves it on the bed in front of him, but his mind is as blank as that page. He taps the pen against it and his mind goes somewhere. Somewhere big. It could take a lot of effort and money but he can manage. He writes it down.

• Bomb threat.

He looks at his own handwriting and the idea looks ridiculous on paper. A bomb threat? Where? At Dalton? He furiously scratches the words he just wrote.

Okay, Sebastian. Think smaller and mildly reasonably.

• Disturbance on the road from Lima to Westerville on the day of the proposal so Kurt doesn’t make it.

Yes. Amazing idea. Genius. 10/10.

However, it’s not ideal as a main plan because he won’t have time to come up with anything else if it doesn’t work, so he adds:

“Back up plan in case I can’t stop the whole thing from happening.”

Aaaaaaand there goes the supply of mildly reasonable ideas in Sebastian’s mind. So here’s where creativity comes in, and it’s tragic for everything and everyone he might put at risk by using that creativity, but it’s all means to an end. Any fallen soldiers will die for a greater cause. Not literally, of course, because Sebastian doesn’t intend to kill anyone… Except maybe Blaine if nothing else works.

Blaine. Blaine. Why didn’t he think about Blaine first? Before trying to stop the event he must try to stop the man. He could try to break his spirit with some mean words, which would be easy since he obviously lacks Kurt’s thick skin, but it would be a temporary measure and he would end up crying in Kurt’s arms anyway, which is the complete opposite of what Sebastian is trying to achieve.

So he has to hurt Blaine without hurting him. He has to inconvenience him and subtly make his life hell. And he knows exactly how to do it.

• Sneak into Blaine’s house and steal all his bowties and hair gel. Dude’s gonna flip.

He laughs to himself as he puts down the pen and rereads his genius idea, then he realizes.

Right. He can just buy more hair gel. It barely takes him a second to realize that problem is very easy to solve for him. He picks up the pen once more.

• In addition to that one: Buy all the hair gel in every store in Westerville and Lima so he can’t buy more.

You’re a genius.

He sleeps like a baby that night.

He wishes he kept sleeping as soon as he wakes up and sees that Blaine added him to a group chat with the captains of the other participating teams and all of the New Directions. Actually, saying he wishes he was still asleep is an understatement. He wishes he was fucking dead. If only he could get his hands on a gun right now.

Blaine Anderson created a new group.

Blaine Anderson added you and 14 other people.

Blaine Anderson named the group:

“Operation Wedding Bells”

Blaine:

• Hi everyone! I created this group as a common line of communication so we can organize ourselves better, but I’ll send each of you the song and the arrangements directly. Remember that we’ll meet tomorrow for rehearsal at Dalton’s auditorium at 5 p.m.. Please be there!

Operation Wedding Bells? Jesus Fucking Christ. Sebastian wants to throw up on his face The Exorcist style.

There’s people talking but he’s not interested enough—or at all—to read any of it, especially not since the ones doing the talking are the New Directions. Those people are and will always be absolutely unbearable. It’s ironic but the only one he liked being around was Kurt. And maybe Santana. Sebastian always thought they’d be good at terrorizing people together and even be best friends if they didn’t fucking despise each other. He closes the chat and throws his phone at the foot of his bed.

He spends the entire morning thinking about his plan. He can’t do it alone, of course, but he also can’t tell anyone about it. Maybe he could find a stupid excuse to make Nick and Jeff help him since those guys are the most trustworthy idiots in Dalton and they could definitely keep a secret the way they managed to keep the fact that they were fucking a secret for a decent amount of time. Yeah, that’s it. He could make them buy the gel with some bullshit excuse and threaten them to kick them out of the team if they don’t agree, though it doesn’t even matter since competition season is over for them.

However, he’s not stupid enough to jump into the water just like that. He has to test it first, so he makes everyone sit down and listen to him as soon as Warblers’ practice starts later that day.

“I’ve given it a lot of thought and I don’t think helping Blaine propose is a good idea. It’s actually insane. Since when do the Warblers fraternize with the competition like that?”

Everyone shares confused looks with each other before Trent speaks, “There’s no competition anymore, Sebastian. And even if there was, we’re friends with Blaine and Kurt. Not to mention you spent months last year trying to sleep with Blaine so you’re not the right person to speak against fraternizing with the competition.”

Damn. This guy talks a lot since he basically got Hunter arrested. He used to be way nicer. Well, he’s still nice, just not to Sebastian. None of these guys are nice to Sebastian anymore because they all blame him for their disqualification like most of them didn’t take those shots as well, because it’s easy to blame the guy who’s usually bad even if he’s trying to be better. What a bunch of assholes. Fuck them. He’ll teach them a lesson after he’s done with this job.

Sebastian presses his lips together and nods, “Right. If you guys want to get rid of democracy to become anarchy, be my guest. Go ahead and abandon your honor just so you can help two teenagers get engaged, I don’t give a fuck.”

“Since when do you care about democracy? You were a fucking dictator for a year and a half,” One guy says. Sebastian genuinely can’t remember his name or even if he’s ever seen him before. It’s very unfortunate, but people are right when they say they all look the exact same in that uniform.

“That’s… Not fair,” Sebastian says.

“Why?” Jeff asks.

It feels like that word was exclusively invented for Jeff to say it at this very moment and Sebastian doesn’t have an answer. Why… What? Why anything?

“All of you shut up and do whatever the fuck you want.”

And he just storms out of the room because he can’t handle being around those guys anymore. He’s actually not sure of what he’s been doing there over the past two years at all. He could’ve done better things with his time instead of working so hard and ending up losing twice. Looking back, the only upside of the entire situation is that he met Kurt.

Oh god, that sounds so weird.

Let’s get a few things straight: He still hates Kurt; he just also happens to like being around him.

Don’t. Judge.

He goes to the library to use one of the computers and looks for every store in Lima and Westerville where they sell hair gel. He looks up which brand sells the one with that nauseating raspberry smell Blaine uses and makes sure to check which stores sell it. He can smell it just by looking at the photo of the jar and he doesn’t understand how Kurt even tolerates being around him. That gel—especially the amount of it—should be an instant dealbreaker. If only Kurt had some self-respect.

By the time he finishes his exhaustive research, everyone already had dinner and most of the guys retired to their rooms. Sebastian gets a sandwich from the kitchen and goes upstairs. However, instead of going to his own room, he walks down the hall and knocks on Nick and Jeff’s door hoping they’re decent and not having insane disgusting sex. Luckily, Nick is still wearing his uniform when he opens.

Sebastian raises his eyebrows and Nick moves aside to let him in. They have some secretive way of communicating that Sebastian really enjoys because these two guys are possibly the only real friends he’s made in this stupid school. Jeff is lying on his bed with a book open over his stomach, so Sebastian quietly sits on Nick’s bed.

“I feel bad about earlier,” Sebastian says, “I was being a bitch.”

Neither of the boys say anything, but they’re looking at Sebastian in a judgy way he doesn’t like.

“Since when do you feel bad about anything?” Jeff asks.

“Since when do you question everything I say, Jeffrey?” Sebastian replies, and Jeff frowns, “Anyways. I was thinking about giving Blaine an engagement gift and I know exactly what it should be.”

Nick nods, “Good idea. We should get Kurt something too, right?”

Sebastian shrugs, “Yeah, whatever.”

Both of the boys share another gay psychic look. This is one of the reasons why Sebastian doesn’t do relationships. Why are these weirdos in each other's minds?

“Ooooookaaayyyy,” Nick says, “What do you have in mind?”

“A very large supply of hair gel.”

“Awesome. How large?” Jeff asks.

“All we can find in Lima and Westerville.”

Another look. Sebastian is starting to taste the venom in his tongue but he has to be nice to get their help, because if they don’t help him, nobody will.

“All of it?” Nick asks, “Like, literally all of it?”

“Yes. That’s what I said. Did I stutter?”

It takes some convincing because apparently this idea is insane even for them, but they end up agreeing to help because they’d do “Anything for Blaine” which hurts a little because they’re supposed to love him more than they love Blaine. Why the fuck does everyone love that fucking pile of human waste? It will remain a mystery, but at least they agreed so now he won’t have to pay some random person to help him. He pulls out the pages he printed with the names and addresses of the stores and they decide to split so they can cover more ground.

The plan seems to be going strong by the next morning.

They sneak out of school during lunch break because a lot of teachers leave campus so they can easily get in their cars and leave without being detected. The two other boys leave for Lima while Sebastian drives towards the Eastern side of Westerville. He has to start there because it’s the closest to Blaine’s house, and he will obviously go to the place closest to his house first. Unless he’s stupid, which he clearly is. But a guy has to try and it’s part of the plan anyways.

Everything goes well in the first five stores. They all have a small stock of hair gel which is not surprising considering Blaine must use one jar a day and these fancy but small stores can’t keep up with Raspberry Hair Gel Monster. By the time he ends with the fifth store, he has a couple dozen jars in a bag on his passenger seat.

Trouble begins when he gets a text from Nick.

Nick:

• I just ran away from a pharmacy
• a few guards were chasing me but they’re gone now
• I’m lucky to be alive

…What?

Sebastian:

• What the fuck are you talking about?
• What did you do?

Nick:

• NOTHING
• I was about to pay for the stuff and one of them ran towards me and shouted something
• I panicked so I dropped everything and ran away

Sebastian:

• Ffs
• Buying stuff is the easiest thing in the world HOW do you mess it up
• Have you talked to Jeff?

Nick:

• No
• Do I call him?

Sebastian:

• Nope. Please don’t.
• I’ll do it myself because I’m highly doubting your ability to do literally anything right now

He closes the chat and is about to dial Jeff’s number when he gets a call from an unknown number. He hangs up but the same number calls again one second later, so he picks up just so he can tell whoever the caller is to go fuck themselves. However, he immediately regrets picking up because the first thing he hears from the other side of the line is Jeff sobbing and speaking nonsense.

“Hey. Hey! Shut up for a second and catch your breath so you can actually talk instead of babbling like an idiot.”

Jeff shuts up and sniffles. There’s some more sobbing and sniffling before he speaks.

“I didn’t do anything,” He whines, “They just handcuffed me, put me in a car and brought me here and said I can only call one person. They’re asking for a rescue or they’ll kill me.”

Fucking hell.

Sebastian presses the bridge of his nose and closes his eyes, “Jeff. Are you at a police station?”

Jeff almost sounds offended when he replies, “I don’t know! How am I supposed to know?”

“Are there policemen around you?” Sebastian asks, “Did they take you there in a police car?”

There’s silence on the other side of the line, and no matter what this dumbass got himself into, Sebastian is glad that he at least stopped crying for a fucking second.

“Yes, they all look like policemen. I thought they had costumes on and were using it as a facade to kidnap me and ask for money. And they are asking for money, so I’m right.”

“They want someone to bail you out, Jeff.”

“Oh.”

Three hours later, Sebastian is leaving a police station in Lima, Ohio with a very traumatized Jeff while a very worried Nick waits in the back of his car.

You might be wondering how those poor rich boys ended up in this situation, and to be honest I’m confused too, even though I know exactly what happened. Long story short, buying too much hair gel at once is illegal in Ohio.

I know, right?

It’s all because of some middle schoolers from Lima. They had to be middle schoolers and, even worse, they had to be from Lima. Those people are always doing stupid shit and Sebastian is pretty sure it’s because of the water or perhaps the food they give kids at public schools. There’s no other explanation for the fact that years ago kids started to eat hair gel because of an urban legend made up by some other kids about how they had to eat it or a curse would fall upon them, but instead they ended up in the emergency room not only intoxicated but also with balls of hair gel in their stomachs because apparently the thing gets solid in there, which makes it even more disgusting than it already is on Blaine’s head.

So they arrested Jeff because they thought he wanted to cause another wave of this mass hysteria. Sebastian told the policemen that Jeff was too stupid for that and they were immediately convinced, because why else would he think he was being kidnapped and about to be killed? It’s the kind of thing only someone with a brain the size of a peanut can think. But to be fair, he’s not actually that stupid. He just panicked.

Sebastian doesn’t even bother to speak on their way back to Dalton.

He gets a few messages while he’s driving, so he checks his phone when he stops at a red light.

Group chat:

“Operation Wedding Bells.”

Blaine:

• I’m excited to tell you that everything is coming together just the way I intended! Rachel and Santana are coming from New York and Mercedes from LA.
• Oh, by the way, please don’t tell Finn about this. If he finds out he’ll probably tell Kurt and we don’t want that. Bye!

Sebastian almost tells him that it’s fucked up to not tell Kurt’s brother about it, but he can’t show any disagreement. It’s the hardest thing he’s ever done and it’s physically painful. He puts his phone on silent before putting it inside his pocket again.

It’s already dark outside by the time they arrive at Dalton. None of them say a word on their way to their rooms, and this time it’s more because Nick and Jeff are waiting for an apology, something they won’t get because this isn’t Sebastian’s fault. How was he supposed to know some freaks from Lima made hair gel illegal in Ohio, especially considering that Blaine Anderson and his gelmet walk free without any consequences?

Sebastian is opening his room’s door when Nick stops walking and turns around.

“Do you have any other genius gift ideas?” He asks, trying not to speak too loudly, “Couldn’t you just buy him a bowtie?”

Sebastian shrugs, “As they say, go big or go home.”

“Well, we’re going home,” Nick says.

And he dramatically walks away. Sebastian must admit he admires the determination. Who would’ve thought Nick had it in him? Though it’s useless considering he doesn’t need them anymore, because the first step of his genius plan failed miserably.

Did I mention it’s because of some Lima idiots?

Sebastian sits on his bed and thinks about the second half of his plan and if it’s worth it. It probably is, since finding a good bowtie is harder than buying a jar of hair gel. But how the fuck will he sneak into Blaine’s house?

His phone buzzes once, and two more times as he takes it out of his pocket… Speak of the devil. Blaine just messaged directly for some mysterious reason.

Oh, fuck. It’s not that mysterious.

Blaine:

• Why weren’t you at rehearsal?
• You promised you’d help. So the least you could do is help.
• If this is about last year just say so.

Sebastian:

• I forgot
• It has nothing to do with you

Blaine:

• How do you forget something like this?

Sebastian:

• It’s none of your business
• I have a life

Blaine:

• Whatever.
• Are you in or not?

Sebastian:

• Of course
• I’m a man of my word

Blaine:

• Then make sure you don’t forget tomorrow.

Fuck this guy. He’s making Sebastian crave a slushie, if you know what I mean.

Oh.

That’s it.

Blaine, of course. Not the slushie.

All Sebastian needs is to get him out of his house, and he knows exactly how to do it. So he goes to Nick and Jeff’s room, and they reluctantly listen to Sebastian’s new, very reasonable idea.

“A sleepover?” Nick asks, “You want to apologize to us with a sleepover?”

“Hmm. A good ol’ Warblers’ sleepover. I was thinking we should invite Blaine, since he’s one of us.”

Unfortunately.

“Sounds good, actually.”

So Sebastian tells everyone in the Warblers’ group chat and asks them to invite Blaine. Everyone is particularly excited about the Blaine part.

Aaaaaand the Kurt part, because every single one of them agrees that Kurt should be there too. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Sebastian contemplates suicide for a second, then realizes that if he kills himself these two would end up married and he would be dead, so it’s not worth it. It still doesn’t feel right because he doesn’t want Kurt to be there because… He doesn’t even know exactly why. Probably because it would be weird to see him outside their environment even though it has already happened a couple of times. Competitions, Scandals…

Fuck, Scandals. He tries not to think too much about that night, but his mind inevitably goes there sometimes. Ironically, Kurt is the only thing he clearly remembers about it. He liked seeing him jealous, he liked having an effect on him, and Kurt joining him and Blaine dancing was unexpected and weirdly fun. He was mostly dancing with Blaine, but Sebastian noticed that Kurt was dancing for him to prove a point. He wanted to remind him that he was Blaine’s boyfriend.

It was kinda hot, honestly.

Kurt was undeniably hot sometimes, and it made Sebastian angry.

Sebastian skips class the next day. If he has a chance today, he must take it, so he offers one hundred dollars to the twenty-something skinny guy who helps the gardener at Dalton. They go buy equipment together, and by equipment I mean the kind of stuff you see burglars wear in movies because Sebastian doesn’t have many references or much experience on the subject. Believe it or not, it’s his first time sneaking into someone’s house.

He goes back to Dalton to change clothes and takes a big bag to put the goods in it. He hopes it’s big enough because that freak could have an entire walk-in closet full of bowties.

He takes another giant bag because it’s better safe than sorry.

He leaves around half an hour before the sleepover begins, when everyone is too distracted getting everything ready for their beloved Blaine and Kurt (Ew.) so they don’t notice him leaving. The guy whose name Sebastian doesn’t give a fuck about is waiting for him outside and they head to Blaine’s house, which is not too far away, just a ten-minute drive.

It’s also… Bigger than Sebastian expected. For a moment he wishes he fucked Blaine because maybe then he’d have the chance to know where the fuck his bedroom is. At least all the lights are off, which means the house is most likely empty. Sebastian and what’s-his-name are ready to jump over the fence, but Sebastian notices the gate is slightly open. What the fuck? Do these people know what safety is? Any person with bad intentions could get inside their property because they’re too stupid to lock their fucking gate. They’re lucky Sebastian is a relatively decent person. Sometimes.

He calls what’s-his-name with his hand, trying not to make noise, and Sebastian heads towards the front door in case the Andersons are also stupid enough to leave their front door open.

Evidently, they are.

Damn, this is way easier than Sebastian thought.

Or so he thinks until he pushes the door open and sees a woman standing in front of him, a couple feet away, squinting in his direction. Under the dim lights she looks like she’s in her fifties but does everything she can to look younger, her hair is messy and she’s wearing a silver minidress with no shoes. She also has a bottle in one hand and a glass in the other.

She must be Blaine’s mom.

“Who the hell are you?” She asks.

And she sounds drunk enough to pass out right in front of him any second now.

“I’m–”

“Kurt!” She cuts him off. What? “Blainey already left to pick you up, didn’t he tell you? Let me call him for you, honey. I’m sure he can turn around.”

She stumbles towards a table against the wall where there’s… A landline. Holy fuck, she’s actually gonna call him and tell him that “Kurt” is in his house while Kurt is with him at Dalton and she’s gonna call the cops and they probably have a sophisticated security system that will leave him trapped in that house because that’s the only explanation to why they still haven’t gotten their house robbed.

Sebastian does the only thing he can. He runs the hell out of there and drags what’s-his-name towards the car.

He returns to Dalton empty-handed and defeated. He goes upstairs to get changed before joining everyone in the common room. What else can he do right now? They’ll think he’s more of an asshole than they already do and he can’t afford to have all of them against him this week, especially since he messed up enough by skipping rehearsal…

Two fucking days in a row.

Oh, fuck.

The common room is all laughs and music. All the boys are sitting on the floor, blankets on their laps, and Jeff is telling some clearly hilarious story since most of the guys are laughing uncontrollably. Except Blaine, whose eyes land on him as soon as he crosses the door and he can tell the little bitch is killing him in his mind. He doesn’t have much time to think about it because Kurt’s eyes are on him now.

Kurt looks different.

He looks like an adult, like he has lived a little; and his entire face seems to have changed. Or at least Sebastian is unable to see him the way he did a year ago. He didn’t make his stomach turn like this a year ago.

When Kurt looks away, Sebastian feels like he just woke up from a bizarre dream where looking at Kurt felt… Nice. Ew. He quickly shakes it off and joins everyone else in the middle of the room, then tries to catch up with the story, which is immensely difficult because his eyes are drawn to Kurt from time to time and he’s too focused on stopping himself to listen, though he’s not succeeding anyways. His eyes keep turning in his direction and he’s pretty sure Kurt thinks he’s looking at Blaine.

That’s not good, but it’s also better than Kurt thinking he’s the one Sebastian is looking at.

At least looking at Kurt stops being weird when he starts talking and all attention turns to him. He talks about Vogue, NYADA and a bunch of other bullshit Sebastian doesn’t give a fuck about. Why would he give a fuck about how good Kurt is doing? About how much he’s matured and how grown up he is now? About how happy he is to be back together with Blaine because these past few months without him had been a torture for him?

Why would he give a fuck about him leaning towards Blaine so he can put his arms around him, and the way he looks at that excuse of a man like he’s the moon and stars?

Why would Sebastian give a fuck about any of that?

He turns to Nick and whispers, “I’m going to the bathroom now. I hope you guys don’t miss me too much.”

He doesn’t wait for an answer before getting up and silently heading towards the door, and as soon as he’s out of that room it feels like he can finally breathe. What the fuck was all that? He can’t go back there. He refuses to. So he goes up to his room hoping nobody notices his absence, but he knows that even if they do, nobody will care. They all fucking hate him after all.

He lies down on his bed and looks up at the ceiling. There’s a knot inside his stomach and another at the center of his throat, and it feels like his body is slowly closing up from the inside out. He can’t place exactly why he feels like this, so he associates it with the fact that his plans are not going well. It seems like a year of being nice has made a number on him and he can’t find his old self, or at least not the part of him that made him Sebastian. He’s just an empty shell now, stripped of an identity and a reputation he once wished to maintain.

He’s not himself anymore.

He’s even doing this with good intentions, for fuck’s sake.

He’s doing this to help a guy he fucking hates. A guy who’s downstairs snuggled with his stupid boyfriend while he tells stories about how well his life is going now that he’s away from Ohio.

Sebastian thinks about how things will be if he doesn’t stop this madness: Blaine will graduate in a couple of months and go to New York to do whatever the fuck he wants to do which is probably follow Kurt around the city like a lost puppy; and Kurt will be happy up until the moment he becomes absolutely miserable. Blaine Anderson is an emotional vampire and Sebastian can tell from miles away, so he will drain Kurt until there’s nothing left of him and he eventually becomes what Sebastian is now. An empty shell. Sebastian wouldn’t wish that on his worst enemy.

Kurt. His worst enemy is Kurt, isn’t it? Though there used to be a reason and now there’s none. And even when there was a reason… There wasn’t one. Not really. It’s really complicated.

Sebastian only knows one thing for sure: Kurt losing himself would certainly be a tragedy for the world. It’s a strange thing to say about your enemy, but the thing is that the world is so devoid of personality and color, and Kurt is one of the only people left who adds something to it. He’s a strange type of human being. A strange man.

A gorgeous, gorgeous man.

Jesus fucking Christ, shut the fuck up.

Focus on what you have to do, that’s all that matters now.

Yeah, what you’re doing for Kurt.

Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

He abruptly sits down and jumps out of bed. Okay, his brain is half right. He has to focus.

Except there’s not much to focus on at the moment because his plan failed miserably. Well, it’s time to brainstorm again, but there’s one tiny problem. Sebastian can’t pull anything by himself or with the help of people who don’t know what the fuck he’s doing, so he needs someone who knows, someone who has a motive to stop this. But who? Everyone loves the oompa loompa for a reason that remains unknown. He can’t help but wonder what it is, because Blaine is arguably a worse person than Sebastian is, yet Sebastian is the unlovable one. Life isn’t exactly fair and it fucking sucks.

Santana might be a good choice, but she was also the one fighting for Blaine during the infamous rock salt slushie incident, so maybe she doesn’t hate him as much as he thinks she does. And he’s pretty sure it’d be hard to convince her to work together in so little time because she would ask for something in return and Sebastian doesn’t have much to give besides money, and he’s also pretty sure money is not what she’s looking for. She’ll question his motives, which is unfortunate because he’s not even sure of what they are.

Tina. She was in love with Blaine, right? But she has a reputation of being painfully unlucky, something Sebastian doesn’t need. Not to mention that she was in love with Blaine but she isn’t now, because she’s smarter than she looks.

This doesn’t mean Kurt isn’t smart, though. He’s one of the smartest people Sebastian knows but he also happens to have zero self-respect.

What Sebastian needs is someone slightly stupid.

Someone slightly stupid who has motives to stop this proposal.

Someone like Finn Hudson.

Bingo!

Or it would be bingo if it wasn’t that Sebastian photoshopped pictures of him naked in heels to blackmail his fiancée so she didn’t sing at regionals. It didn’t work, of course, but the grudge must still be here. He should be over it since it’s been a year, but Sebastian knows the New Directions are a bunch of sensitive snowflakes, so he’ll have to think about a way to win him over. How do you win over a guy who fucking hates you? Sebastian should know since there’s so many guys who hate him, but a lot of them happen to be guys he’s fucked and he hasn’t fucked Finn hudson.

That’s it.

Does he like guys? Actually, he doesn’t even have to like guys. Any straight guy accepts a sexual favor from another man if he’s desperate enough, and judging by the fact that Rachel has a hot boyfriend in New York, he must be desperate. And all Sebastian needs is to give him a blowjob to have him wrapped around his finger. Maybe even more if possible because the guy is not bad looking, which makes Sebastian think about the fact that he’s related to Kurt, but he quickly remembers that they’re only step-brothers. That’s not the point, though. The point is that he has to find a way to contact Finn Hudson.

How the fuck will he get Finn’s number?

Right. All of the sudden, Kurt’s presence is very convenient.

He runs downstairs hoping everyone is asleep, but he’s forced to stop at the foot of the stairs when he notices someone walking towards the hallway leading to the restrooms. It takes him exactly two seconds to realize it’s Kurt. He takes off his slippers and slowly walks behind him like he’s a wild animal he shouldn’t disturb, which, if you think about it, is not so far from reality since the first thing Sebastian expects Kurt to do as soon as he speaks to him is put his claws out.

Directly talking to him is the intention at first, until Sebastian slowly begins to feel the need to observe, because Kurt isn’t walking the way he used to. His shoulders rest at a strange angle and his posture makes it look like he’s carrying something heavy on his back, yet each of his steps are so soft they’re barely audible against the tiled floor.

He already looks kind of miserable.

“Kurt!” Sebastian surprises himself with his own voice.

He’s not sure if he’s ever said Kurt’s name aloud, or at least to him.

Kurt quickly turns around and looks genuinely surprised when he realizes Sebastian is the one who called his name. Sebastian’s cheeks feel warm when Kurt looks at him, and he feels ridiculous for it as he thanks God for the fact that they turn off the overhead lights at 9:30 p.m., because that way at least Kurt won’t see how much he’s… Jesus, is he blushing?

On the other hand, Kurt’s eyes turn dark as he crosses his arms against his body and his shoulders move up in a defensive gesture. Sebastian would be lying if he said he didn’t expect Kurt to hate him a little less by now.

“What do you want?”

Sebastian walks a few steps closer while Kurt stands there like a marble statue in every sense of the world; a face that proves that God is an artist, eyes that contain fragments of clear summer sky, perfect soft looking skin and a graceful figure hidden under a very unfortunately loose set of satin pajamas. Sebastian is not sure about how his figure looks under the million layers of clothing he usually wears, but he imagines something graceful just like everything else about him.

Wait, what?

Kurt is still looking at him like he’s a pile of garbage.

“How are you doing?” Idiot.

Kurt scoffs, “I was doing fine until you showed up. Did you organize this whole thing hoping to get some time alone with my boyfriend, maybe take him upstairs to your rat infested room?”

Sebastian frowns. Right, they hate each other because of Blaine. To him it was never one hundred percent about Blaine—not even fifty percent—but Kurt doesn’t know that and Sebastian prefers that it stays that way.

No, that’s a lie.

He crosses his arms and tilts his head, “I didn’t even want your boyfriend last year, why would I want him now?”

Kurt’s posture slightly changes but his face doesn't, still icy and unreadable. It’s half fortunate and half tragic that Sebastian has no other choice but to study his body. There’s a button open at the top of his pajama shirt, a glimpse of pale skin that’s the most Sebastian has ever seen of him, and it makes him feel like a Victorian man seeing an ankle for the first time.

“Fuck off, Sebastian,” It takes him a second to figure out if that was in his head or not. It wasn’t.

This feels unnatural because this is not how they’re supposed to treat each other. Kurt is supposed to make fun of his face, tease him about how his previous comments about his hair had an effect on him so he had to cut it, point out the size of his teeth or the shape of his head or the ridiculous Star Wars pajamas he borrowed from Jeff. Can’t he laugh at one of the many things that are deeply wrong with him? There’s an awful lot to choose.

Kurt turns around to keep walking and it hurts a little.

“Hey, Gay Face. Too scared to talk to me?”

“There it is,” Kurt says before turning around on his heels, “Blaine said you were working on yourself, but I knew it couldn’t be true. You’ll always be a despicable waste of oxygen who thinks too highly of himself. I’d be grateful if you pretended I’m not here for the rest of the night.”

“I was just trying to get your attention,” Sebastian says, “The only thing I can offer you is what you expect from me.”

Kurt frowns, just enough to be noticeable, “Why would you want my attention?”

Sebastian hesitates for a moment. A part of him hopes Kurt walks away, but he doesn’t.

“Can I give you my number?”

“What?”

“My number.”

“Yeah, I heard you the first time,” Kurt replies, “I just don’t understand what makes you think I want your number.”

This is a bad idea.

Of course, his brain doesn’t listen, “What’s wrong with it? You don’t have to call me or text me, you can just block me or something. It’s your choice, I just want you to have it.”

Kurt watches him for a moment, and Sebastian feels naked, almost like the cold breeze slipping through the leaves over the trees outside is leaking inside the building and hitting his skin like needles. It doesn’t go away until Kurt takes his phone out of his pocket. He looks at it for a second before putting it back where it was.

“No,” He says, “Now leave me alone. Or do I have to throw a stick?”

Sebastian chuckles, “Good one. It won’t work, though. You can go to the bathroom now and I’ll still be here when you come back. We both know I can make your life hell, so why don’t you just make it easier for the both of us?”

“Please,” Kurt rolls his eyes, “You think you’re such a menace but you’re annoying at worst.”

“Annoying enough for you to have murderous thoughts whenever you look at me,” Sebastian replies, earning another eye roll. This shit is not working , “Maybe I could go after Blaine again. The odds are in my favor now that he’s officially a cheater.”

Kurt stays quiet. It’s the first time he ever stays quiet after Sebastian attacks him, and Sebastian doesn’t like how it feels. This is not them. Where’s the fun if Kurt doesn’t say anything?

“What’s your number?” Kurt asks with a dry, monotone voice.

Oh.

Was it really that easy?

Kurt’s body visibly tenses as Sebastian approaches, and Sebastian wants to think it’s because he’s making him nervous, though he fears what Kurt is feeling right now is a lot more visceral. It almost makes him want to say that he didn’t mean it, but if he does Kurt wouldn’t agree to take his number and that’s very much the idea of this. He wouldn’t have talked to Kurt at all if it wasn’t for this.

“Can’t you give me your phone so I put it in?”

“...No?”

“C’mon. What am I gonna do?”

Kurt stares at his phone for a second before he reluctantly offers it to Sebastian; who proceeds to quickly type his own number, save it, look for Finn’s contact, send it to himself and delete the conversation right before giving it back. It doesn’t take more than thirty seconds. It’s quite impressive, to be honest.

“Thank you,” Sebastian says. Ew.

Kurt looks paler than usual as his phone rests on the palm of his hand. He looks at it with disgust, like Sebastian’s hands are so nasty he will get some infectious disease just from holding it. After a minute of whatever that was, he forces a smile and says, “Now leave us the fuck alone.”

He walks away, and soon gets lost in the darkness of the hallway.

That turned out a lot better than Sebastian expected.

It feels like it had a cost, though. A cost he will have to pay at some point.

He goes back upstairs because he has nothing left to do with the Warblers. In fact, he’s excited to get away from them with a purpose for once in his life, because right now he’s more convinced than ever that he needs to do this. He can’t explain why. He doesn’t want to think about why. All he wants to do is focus on this task because it’s the first time he’s been excited to do something in a long time. It obviously has nothing to do with the fact that he will probably have to resort to what he famously does best… With Kurt’s brother.

Jesus fucking Christ.

It’s not a big deal, he’s hot. Kind of.

Not like his brother, though.

Shut the fuck up.

Focus.

He spends a few minutes thinking about the perfect message to send to an idiot who hates his guts for more than one very valid reason that he should be over by now but probably isn’t.

Sebastian:

• Good night, Frankie.
• Have you tripped on your own feet lately?

Finn:

• Who is this?

Sebastian:

• Someone who has information you might be interested in.
• Scratch that.
• Information you need.

Finn:

• Ok
• First of all I need you to tell me who the fuck you are
• Is it Brody?
• Do you want payback for the time I beat the shit out of you?

Wow.

Sebastian:

• Easy.
• I have no idea who this Brody character is.
• This is about your brother.

Finn:

• Kurt?

Sebastian:

• Do you have another brother?
• Yeah, Kurt. Are you an idiot?
• Don’t answer that.

A few seconds of silence. Oh, fuck. Here it comes.

Finn:

• Sebastian?

Sebastian:

• Bingo.

Finn:

• How the fuck did you get my number?

Sebastian:

• C’mon.
• You and I know that I’ve done worse.

Finn:

• Fuck off and don’t message me again

Sebastian:

• Why don’t you block my number?
• Or are you too much of an idiot to do that?

Finn:

• Seriously, fuck off

Sebastian:

• Trust me, you’ll thank me later.
• Come meet me at the Lima Bean tomorrow.

Finn:

• Are you really asking me to trust you?

Sebastian:

• You know what?
• Do whatever the fuck you want.
• You’ll regret this when you watch your brother ruin his own life.

Silence.

Silence.

More silence.

Sebastian has been staring at his phone screen for around an hour and there’s still no answer. It doesn’t mean everything is lost, though. Finn probably needs extra time processing things. He just has to be patient.

Buzz.

Finn:

• What time do you want to meet?

Victory.

Sebastian forgot how good it feels to succeed one step at a time, and it makes him more confident than ever in the fact that he’s going to stop this… And he’ll make sure to have his fun while he’s at it.

Chapter Text

Finn Hudson stops looking like such an idiot when he gets angry.

He does certainly act like an idiot, though, which is why they end up kicked out of the Lima Bean because he literally got up and kicked the nearest chair before Sebastian even finished speaking, disturbing the rest of the customers.

Sebastian could’ve done something about it since he's relatively friendly with several employees—it eventually happens when you spend almost the entirety of your free time in a place—, like explaining that Finn has a brain the size of a pea and expecting him to control his impulses is too much to ask, but he doesn't feel like it's worth it. So they end up sitting side by side in Sebastian’s car, silence falling upon them as Finn looks out the window to avoid Sebastian’s gaze. At least he’s embarrassed.

“How do you know?” Finn asks to the window.

“The entirety of Ohio knows,” Sebastian replies, “Except for you, of course, because Blaine thinks you’re the only one who’s stupid enough to accidentally tell Kurt. Or maybe he’s just a coward. He has plenty of reasons to be scared of you, your chair kicking technique makes it obvious that you could crush his balls with one kick.”

Finn turns to him with a tilted head, “Why are you telling me?”

Sebastian shrugs, “Someone had to tell you. And nobody else is going to because they all think you’re an idiot. I do, too, but I don’t give a fuck.”

He can see the cogs in Finn’s tiny brain slowly turning and he makes that face. You know the one. It takes him so long that Sebastian is about to kick him out of his car when he finally speaks.

“You want me to stop it,” He says.

“No,” Sebastian replies, “I want us to stop it.”

Finn scoffs, “I’m not gonna work with you. I don’t trust you and you don’t even care about Kurt, I bet you just want Blaine. I’m not gonna help you steal my brother’s boyfriend.”

Sebastian takes a deep breath. He’s surprised that Finn actually seems to have the ability to think, but he’s still misplacing his intentions and that pisses him off.

“Gross, I don’t want Gelmet Hobbit. I’d rather be skinned alive.”

“But last year–”

“Stop,” Sebastian cuts him off, “Stop talking about the past; last year was last year, this year is this year. Things are different now. Got it?”

Finn studies his face for a moment before nodding.

“I still don’t trust you. Why would you even want to stop it if it isn’t about Blaine?” Finn says, and his jaw tenses before he adds, “I’m not working with you if it hurts Kurt, and all you’ve ever tried to do is hurt him. Besides, I can stop Blaine myself.”

“You can’t,” Sebastian replies, “What are you gonna do? Beat him up?” He asks, and judging by Finn’s confused face, that was exactly his idea, “All that’s going to do is make your brother hate you, and Blaine will gain pity points, so you’ll just make things easier for him. And I don’t give a fuck if you believe me or not, but I don’t want to hurt Kurt. If I wanted to hurt him, I’d just let him get engaged to that asshole, because both of us know that once that happens there’s no turning back. He’ll emotionally drain Kurt, then he’ll cheat. He’ll blame Kurt and make him feel like he’s his only chance of being loved, Kurt will take him back, and the cycle will repeat itself until one of them drops dead.”

Finn watches Sebastian in a way that’s starting to annoy him, but he stays quiet because he knows he’s close to convincing him. It makes Sebastian wonder once again why he’s doing this because it’s taking a lot of self-restraint to stop himself from calling Finn a lot of nasty words.

“Do you have a problem with cheating?”

That’s…Not what Sebastian expected to hear.

“Cheating is not the issue. Is it shitty? Yeah, sure. But at least be enough of a man to take responsibility for it instead of blaming the guy who was in another city making his dreams come true or whatever the fuck Kurt was doing in New York,” He says. There’s something he hears in his own voice that he doesn’t think he’s ever heard before, and not even his own words feel familiar to him, “I can’t believe I’m going to say this but I honestly think Kurt deserves better.”

Finn turns to look through the windshield as he slowly nods. He bites the inside of his cheek and doesn’t look at Sebastian when he speaks.

“At least we agree on something,” He says, “Kurt has gone through enough shit in his life to spend the rest of it with a guy like Blaine. Let’s do it.”

Sebastian must admit he was expecting to at least have to dodge a fist to his face, but Finn Hudson is a lot more civilized than he thought he would be. A year ago Blaine wouldn’t shut up about how Finn hated him and how he was the dictator of the New Directions who made sure every solo went to his girlfriend and was trying to sabotage him because he envied his talent and thought he might be there to take his place, while poor Blaine only wanted to sing and dance for fun. He completely left out the fact that he’s an attention whore who partly kept Sebastian around because he liked that someone other than Gay Face was interested in him. Or something like that. Not the point.

The point is that Blaine Anderson is a fucking manipulative liar and Finn Hudson is not that bad.

Finn drives behind Sebastian all the way back to Dalton, and they have to sneak into the building through a back door because it’s too late for Finn to be allowed as an official visitor. Though, if he’s being honest, Sebastian never has official visitors. He goes through the back door with more frequency than he does through the front door. Not only because of the whole sneaking guys into his room but because he likes to grab something to eat in the kitchen. The cooks are some of his best friends, more reliable with secrets than a priest.

It all goes smoothly until they run into Jeff on the third floor. They stop in front of each other, and the blonde idiot looks at both of them like they’re aliens. Sebastian turns to Finn.

“Second door to the left. Do you know what your left is?”

Luckily, he does. So now Sebastian is standing alone in front of a very judgy looking Jeff.

“Are you fucking Kurt’s brother now that you can’t fuck him?”

“What does it feel like to be always wrong about everything?” Sebastian asks.

He walks past Jeff and towards his door, where poor, simple, confused Finn waits for him with a hand on the handle because the idiot thought the door would be open. He turns the handle when Sebastian is about two feet away from him and… The door opens.

Fuck, he forgot to lock it. Again.

It’s probably the fourth time this month but he’s too busy to think about locking doors.

“Nick said you owed us for not being at the sleepover last night so he wanted to take all of your weed,” Jeff says behind him, and Sebastian turns around, “I convinced him to only take half so you wouldn’t notice.”

“That was very smart on your part until you told me.”

Jesus Christ. He never expected his idiots to be worse than the McKinley idiots. Maybe that shit Hunter made them take had stupidity as a side effect, and Sebastian is lucky he wasn’t affected by it. He pushes Finn into his room and closes the door, making sure he locks it this time because he really doesn’t want anyone to see Finn Hudson in his room. It would’ve been fine if they were fucking but him being there to help Sebastian think is simply humiliating.

Finn starts pacing around the room as soon as Sebastian closes the door, probably because this must be the fanciest place he’s ever been in. While the poor idiot makes himself comfortable, Sebastian gets his plan notebook and opens it on his desk, turning on the reading lamp. Finn stops pacing and comes closer. Of course, Sebastian didn’t notice that he opened the notebook in the page where he listed his other plans.

“You were already planning this?” Finn asks.

Sebastian’s face gets a little warm, “What can I say, my mind works fast.”

“Hmm.”

“What?”

“Nothing,” Finn replies as he crosses his arms and slowly walks away.

Something about it makes Sebastian’s blood boil in his veins. He closes the notebook as firmly as he can, making Finn flinch and turn around, and when he does he looks fucking giant. I mean, Sebastian has been around him for hours and knows that he’s tall, but all of the sudden Sebastian feels small beside him. This big fucking idiot is judging him and Sebastian doesn’t know why. He’d be scared if he didn’t know he’s relatively inoffensive.

“Are you gonna stop fucking judging me for a second? I’m trying to help your brother here,” He says, and a tiny smirk appears on Finn’s face. Ok, now Sebastian gets why it tends to infuriate people, “I know I did a lot of shitty things last year. I apologized and you accepted my apology, shouldn’t we be over it by now?”

“Doesn’t mean I have to trust you.”

Sebastian takes a deep breath, “I guess that’s fair, but it’s not the point. Just tell me what you’re thinking.”

“It’s kinda hard to think when I keep asking myself why you’re doing this,” Finn says, but the look on his face doesn’t match his words. He sighs, “I didn’t need this today, you know. It already feels like everything is going to hell so you don’t need to work too much on that, because I know that’s why you did it. But I’m not even coaching the New Directions at the moment, so you won’t achieve anything anyways.”

Sebastian is surprised he didn’t even think about that. He genuinely didn’t even remember that Finn was coaching the New Directions until some drama happened with Mr. Knock-off Justin Timberlake. Yeah, he truly lost himself, but doing this is waking him up. Even seeing Kurt last night helped him wake up a little.

A voice at the back of his head reminds him that Kurt has his number and Sebastian wonders why the fuck he gave him his actual number.

Though he must admit it’d be nice to get a “Thank you” after this whole thing is over.

“Believe it or not, and this is very hard to say, I don’t mean to hurt you,” He says, “It’s not my fault Blaine thought this was a good time to attempt to ruin Kurt’s life.”

Finn scoffs, but it’s followed by a smile, “Why do I kind of believe you?”

“Maybe because I’m telling the truth.”

“Didn’t know you were capable of that.”

“You don’t know me.”

“I feel like I do,” Finn says, “Kurt wouldn’t shut up about you last year.”

That last sentence makes Sebastian’s stomach turn. Did he really have enough of an effect on Kurt for him to be talking to other people about him? Of course he did, but it’s still surprising to hear it from his brother. It feels weird to realize that Kurt doesn’t really know him either. But does anyone know Sebastian? He isn’t sure he even knows himself. His reputation is all he is, and it’s dead by now.

“I can’t imagine how obsessed with me he would’ve been if we actually fucked.”

Finn raises an eyebrow, “Was that your intention?”

“No,” Sebastian says, scrunching his nose, “It was a joke.”

“Hmm.”

Sebastian can’t even be mad at the resemblance Finn has to his brother. They might not be related by blood but there’s something in both of them that he can’t quite describe, and there’s something strangely similar in both of their faces. Maybe he’s just going insane. Either way, he can’t help but watch Finn walk all the way to Sebastian’s bed and sit on it and see a part of Kurt.

“You know, maybe we could relax a little before starting to… Think,” Sebastian says.

What?

“What?” Finn asks, the cogs in his brain turning as fast as they can which is luckily not very fast.

“Nothing, I just meant— I don’t know what I meant.”

“I’m not into that.”

Okayyyyy, maybe his brain works faster than Sebastian expected.

“I didn’t mean that.”

Yes, you did.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

He’s already cooperating. You don’t need to do that.

A buzz in Sebastian’s pocket. He looks away from Finn and takes his phone out, his heart pumping embarrassingly fast. At least what awaits him in his phone agitates him even more, but out of rage instead of… Whatever he was feeling a moment ago.

Group chat:

“Operation Wedding Bells.”

Blaine:

• I spoke to the headmaster at Dalton this morning and he agreed to have a party there after the proposal. Of course, it’s not necessary for everyone to stay but the invitation is open.
• There will be snacks before the performance as well because I’m eternally grateful.
• I have a problem, though. I don’t have time to hire a caterer so if anyone wants to volunteer to help buy or make food I’d be double grateful.
• I hope you had a good day and see you at rehearsal tomorrow!

Sebastian rolls his eyes and throws his phone towards his bed, and it lands right next to Finn, who turns around to look at the phone like he expects it to blow up or something.

“Who was it?”

“Just Blaine and his usual bullshit. Apparently there’s going to be a party in here after the proposal, which means we need to stop this or else I’ll have no choice but to kill myself in front of him,” Sebastian replies.

He doesn’t mention that what pisses him off the most is that Blaine is so confident that Kurt will say yes.

No, that’s actually the second thing. What pisses him off even more is knowing that Kurt will say yes even if he doesn’t want to.

Finn gets up and walks over to the desk, places both hands on the surface and his shoulders move up as his head moves down, his body moving at the rhythm of his heavy breathing. After a few seconds he opens the notebook and picks it up with a shaky hand, looking through the pages like he’s expecting to find something useful that Sebastian has been looking for as well.

He throws the notebook across the room and kicks the chair by the desk, which hits the floor with a thump that kills any dramatism that Finn’s reaction could’ve had.

“Are you going to do that everytime you get mad?” Sebastian asks.

Finn turns to look at Sebastian. There’s something wild in his eyes that would’ve been hot under other circumstances, but right now it’s simply annoying and inconvenient. Still slightly out of breath, his face slowly changes, emotions taking over him until he reaches a clear state of determination. He nods like he’s trying to convince himself of something and walks towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Sebastian asks while Finn has trouble opening the door because he apparently doesn’t know how to unlock it. By the time he figures it out, Sebastian is close enough to grab the handle to stop it from moving, “Okay, Big Ben. I asked you where the fuck you’re going.”

Finn nods again, “I’m going to end this. Now. Kurt’s gonna hate me for a while, maybe, but it will delay this bullshit Blaine is trying to do.”

That’s… Not a bad idea.

In fact, Sebastian is tempted to ask Finn if he can join him as a spectator.

“No,” Sebastian says, “He can’t know that you know.”

“Why?” Finn asks with a frown.

“Because I fucking told you, genius. If he finds out, he’s gonna get the wrong idea, then it will be like last year all over again. And I’ve been trying really hard to make it obvious that things are not like that anymore.”

Finn looks at Sebastian’s hand on the handle, and Sebastian holds it tighter just in case. But Finn walks away from the door, thinking face on as he reaches the bed. He drops himself on it and it creaks. It takes him a minute or two to finally process everything, then he says, “How do we stop him without him knowing?”

Sebastian sighs, “I tried that yesterday. I thought a little psychological warfare could be useful.”

“Do I want to know?” Finn asks.

“Hair gel.”

“Oookayyy,” A pause, “Did it work?”

Sebastian takes a deep breath as he presses the bridge of his nose.

“You wouldn’t be here if it worked, Finn.”

Finn Hudson, you fucking idiot. I’m gonna cut your head open and fill your skull with rocks, maybe then you’ll be smarter.

It physically hurts to keep that to himself.

“Right. So what now?”

Something comes to Sebastian before he gets the chance to reply. He thought about stopping the event and stopping Blaine, but those aren’t the only options. He has all the power to stop the Warblers. Or he would if they respected him. He still has power, though, full access and endless means of sabotage for his own team. He doesn’t even have to hurt anyone, he only needs to cause a mild inconvenience to make them unavailable for the event, because we all know Blaine won’t do this if the Warblers aren’t there.

Or at least Sebastian hopes so.

“Now I take off these clothes,” He says.

“What?”

By the time that word has finished coming out of Finn’s mouth, Sebastian has already taken off his blazer and pants, because he’s kind of an expert in taking off his clothes as fast as possible. Once he’s half naked he puts his clothes in his dirty laundry basket and puts on sweatpants before running out of the room with Finn bumping into everything as he follows him.

Sebastian knocks on each of the Warblers doors and tells them he has to take their uniforms to the dry cleaners and they will be ready tomorrow morning. Most of them reluctantly agree, except for Nick, who immediately gives him his uniform and looks for Jeff’s, whose snores can be heard from the hallway. After the clothes are in the basket, he frowns and stares at Sebastian for a moment.

“Isn’t it too late to take all of this to the dry cleaners?”

“Usually, yes,” Sebastian says, “But they’ll be closed for the rest of the week so I asked them to do this last hour so our uniforms are perfect for the big day.”

Nick nods, “Do you need help?”

“No, thanks. I have this big guy’s help.”

Sebastian points to Finn, who’s standing a couple feet behind him.

Nick takes a step out of his room to take a good look at Finn, “Aren’t you Kurt’s brother? Finn, right?”

Sebastian’s mouth drops open as he turns to look at Finn, who looks back at him like he’s supposed to solve the problem, “C’mon, I would know Finn if I saw him. I spent a lot of hours looking at his face last year, in case you forgot,” He shakes his head and nods in Finn’s direction, “Is your name Finn?”

“My name…” Finn seems to be thinking at maximum capacity, “No, my name is not Finn.”

Sebastian chuckles, “See, Nick? I think it’s a little offensive that you think all tall guys look the same.”

That surprisingly works, because Nick nods and awkwardly apologizes before slowly closing the door to avoid waking up his idiot.

Less than ten minutes later, he and Finn are putting the clothes in the backseat of Sebastian’s car and they both drive separately to the only place he can think of: A giant laundromat a few blocks away from Sebastian’s parents’ house where he used to hang out sometimes as a child. It’s not that he was neglected or anything, he just got bored very easily and for some reason watching the washing machines was more entertaining than watching TV shows, which is what a normal kid would’ve chosen to do.

Of course, this is one of those things Sebastian doesn’t want you to know. But at this point it’s easy to guess that he’s not the normal type of guy, especially since going through all this trouble to stop something that’s not even his business is arguably more insane than a teenager proposing.

They quickly fill the machines with the uniforms and Finn looks a bit confused as he watches Sebastian go get a bottle of bleach and pour its content all over the loads of clothing. Sebastian closes the machines and turns them on, and they both stand there watching the uniforms move around.

“What are we doing?” Finn asks.

“Wait for it.”

A minute passes before the color of the blazer begins to wash away in patches, and Finn gives Sebastian a nodding look of approval that fills Sebastian with inexplicable pride. This is the moment truth punches him in the face and makes him realize he hit creative rock bottom, because that’s the only way he could ever be happy to impress this giant idiot.

He sits on one of the plastic chairs lined up in front of the washing machines and hopes Finn doesn’t join him, bue he does. Luckily, all his attention is focused on the machines, like he’s worried the clothes will disappear if he looks away.

Idiot.

Sebastian takes his phone out of his pocket and looks at his messages. There’s nothing new. It’s not a surprise and he doesn’t know why he checked anyways, until it comes to mind that it’s been almost twenty-four hours since he gave Kurt his number. It’s stupid because he doesn’t expect or want a text from him, but it also feels weird not to get one.

It feels wrong to realize that Kurt probably blocked him as soon as he got his phone back.

Finn is definitely not the only idiot. At least Finn has a better grasp of what happens inside his tiny brain.

“I keep thinking and I still don’t get why you’re doing this,” Finn says.

“I’m bored,” Sebastian replies with a sharp voice.

“Shouldn’t you be worried about college applications and stuff?”

“Nope. Already done.”

“So you’re going to college?”

Sebastian takes a deep breath, “I’m not interested in talking to you about my life, okay? And I don’t give a fuck about yours, so don’t even try to talk to me about how miserable you are.”

Finn doesn’t say anything for a moment, then just, “Okay.”

Neither of them talk for the rest of the time they spend in the laundromat, they just silently put the bleached clothes in plastic bags and they agree that Sebastian will text Finn in the morning after the plan is done, then a dry goodbye is shared and they’re done for the day. Sebastian drives back to Dalton on his own and Finn drives home. It feels anticlimactic, somehow.

He turns on the radio on the way back to Dalton. He doesn’t like the music on the radio, or he refuses to like it, because it would make him the type of guy he’s been avoiding to be for a long time, and he also prefers to live in a bubble where he doesn’t know any of the Katy Perry songs the Warblers suggested for two years because Blaine sounded good singing them. That way it was easier to say no and accept the suggestions the few sane people in that team made, he listened to those specific songs and avoided the rest.

Well, he did listen to the radio sometimes, but he didn’t enjoy it.

Now there’s no point in that, is there? There’s no more competitions and he’s stuck in a weird place. Actively refusing to like pop music is only making him more miserable.

So he ends up shouting the lyrics of Call Me Maybe as he drives down an empty road.

He goes to sleep as soon as he gets back to Dalton so he can wake up before everyone else in the morning.

After a very refreshing night of sleep, he wakes up at 6 a.m. and runs downstairs in his pajamas with the basket full of clothes. He takes it to the choir room and takes a few minutes to put on his best angry face as he practices his angry voice, then he runs back upstairs and bangs on the doors of every single one of the Warblers. All of them open their doors, sleepy and disheveled, completely unmatching Sebastian’s energetic outrage.

“Choir room, now!” He shouts.

Ten minutes later there’s a big group of teenage boys in their pajamas who are only half awake spread across the couches, and Sebastian does his best to wake them up with a loud clap that makes all of them groan.

“They just dropped off our uniforms and look at what they did to them!” He shouts, throwing blazers in all directions. Some are caught by some of the boys while others land on the floor, “The proposal is in three days and our uniforms are ruined. I’m afraid we’ll have to drop out of it because Blaine needs us looking our best! We can’t humiliate him like that in front of the man he intends to marry!”

“There must be something we can do,” Trent says, “We’re not abandoning Blaine.”

“I don’t think it’s a big deal,” Nick adds, “Kurt won’t care about this stuff. We could wear our pajamas and it would work anyways.”

Sebastian breathes sharply through his nose, “I don’t think we can do anything. And, Nick, it’s not about whether Kurt cares or not, it’s about it being perfect. That's what we signed up for.”

“You haven’t even been to rehearsals,” Nick points out.

There’s nothing hostile in his tone at all and it’s nice to hear because while everyone else simply attacks him, Nick is pointing out a fact, even though the fact is that he knows that Sebastian doesn’t give a fuck. All of the sudden it stops being nice because it means that it looks suspicious. He knows Nick won’t talk to him about this because he knows Sebastian doesn’t want to talk about it. Or maybe he just doesn’t want Sebastian to know that he knows.

He knows.

He really knows.

He knows what he’s doing.

Of course, Nick is smart enough to know that Sebastian wouldn’t give Blaine such an insane gift, especially since he has listened to him talk shit about Blaine a couple of occasions, just like he was smart enough to run away from that pharmacy instead of letting himself be arrested. He was doing him a favor. 

He was doing him a favor because he’s his friend.

Damn, it feels nice to know you have an actual friend who’s on your side.

“We should go to the headmaster so they can file an official complaint and we change our dry cleaner,” Trent suggests, “Maybe he’ll come up with a solution.”

Of course, they listen to him, because he earned their fucking respect.

That’s how they end up in the headmaster’s office, all still unshowered and in their pajamas. They must look like a bunch of pathetic losers. And Sebastian must look like their king as he speaks in the name of the team, all of them nodding and agreeing with everything he says, all his outraged words about how this ruined their plans and how they won’t be there for their friend.

His arguments sound surprisingly convincing considering that everything he says feels like bile in his mouth.

He’s an amazing actor. He’d do well in one of those gay schools for drama queens, like the one Kurt goes to, and he’d have a very long line of guys begging for him to fuck them. Why didn’t he consider it?

Anyways.

Once he finishes talking, the headmaster asks them to wait for a minute as he puts his glasses on to look for something on his computer. He hums as he clicks here and there, until a frown appears on his face.

“I don’t see any transactions with the dry cleaners this week.”

Everyone turns to look at Sebastian.

“That’s weird,” He replies, “They picked up the clothes yesterday and dropped them off this morning because they wouldn’t work for the rest of the week. Could this be sabotage?”

The boys look at each other and yeah… He’s not being so convincing anymore. He has to admit it’s terribly suspicious to jump to the sabotage conclusion so fast. Maybe they’ll just think he feels guilty for being stupid enough to give their clothes to anyone, and though that’s not ideal, it’s better than the alternative.

The headmaster lets out a long, deep sigh.

“It’s okay, I’ll look into it. I’ll let you borrow the sample uniforms we have to show the new students. I’m hoping that’s good enough for your little event.”

Fuck.

FUCK.

FFFFFFUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK.

Another loss for Sebastian. Another hate crime from God. Maybe God is homophobic after all.

It’s ridiculous and humiliating, but it makes him a little sad to disappoint Finn.

They all go pick up their temporary uniforms, so stiff and itchy it makes Sebastian want to go back in time and slap himself in the face so he doesn’t do this. He tries to give himself the courage he needs to text Finn while he eats a breakfast he’s not enjoying, partly because of his bad mood and party because it tastes particularly bland this morning.

When he finally gets the courage, he doesn’t know what to say.

Sebastian:

• Things didn’t go as expected.
• Meet me at the Bean at 6 p.m.
• I have to go to rehearsal at least once 🤢

Finn:

• :(
• See ya

The day goes by terribly slowly, but Sebastian wishes it was slower as rehearsal time approaches. They’re using the Warblers meeting for this purpose so they won’t use any extra time afterwards, but it still feels like he’s being dragged into some hellish forced community service where he’s sitting in the auditorium next to half of Vocal Adrenaline and the deaf choir while the New Directions are talking to Blaine on stage.

Blaine calls them to the stage and each choir takes a different place because today they’re working on the vocal arrangements. Tomorrow it will be the choreography, and the next day an official rehearsal where they’ll do the whole thing to make sure it’s not a total disaster. However, doing oooh’s, aaaah’s and whistling while Blaine butchers a Beatles song is disastrous enough.

He should be sued for that.

John Lennon should rise from the dead with the sole purpose of murdering him.

Sebastian gets out of there as soon as Blaine announces they should take a break.

“Hey, Sebastian!”

Oh, fuck.

He turns around to find Blaine doing some Rachel Berryesque walk in his direction.

He sighs and rolls his eyes at the same time, “What do you want, Anderson?”

“Do you have a problem with me?” He sounds comically angry.

“No, what makes you think that?”

“I don’t know, the fact that this is the first time you come to rehearsal and you still look like you’d rather be dead. Is it about last year? Are you still bitter?”

Sebastian scoffs, “Why would I be bitter?” He asks, and Blaine doesn’t answer, “Look, you could perfectly do all of this without me so why the fuck does it matter if I go to rehearsals or not? We’re doing the same shit we always do; harmonies, whistling, that stupid side stepping dance. I could do it in my sleep. Now leave me the fuck alone.”

Blaine doesn’t say anything before walking away like the little coward he is, once again looking like a male version of Rachel Berry. Good, that way he doesn’t have to use the slushie card, which means telling him that he should be the bitter one because Sebastian almost blinded him. Sebastian knows it’s not something to be proud of—and he isn’t, that’s why he apologized—but bringing it up would definitely work and that’s all that matters.

Oh, no. He’s turning around.

“I can’t do it without you because the whole point of this is to put our differences aside and join forces to do something beautiful together, and you’re ruining it.”

“Do I look like I give a fuck?”

This time Blaine is the one who sighs and rolls his eyes before walking away.

Sebastian fears he’s not doing a good job hiding his discontent with all of this. But he soon realizes that it doesn’t really matter because this is exactly what everyone expects from him.

So he just ditches rehearsal and drives to Lima.

He’s about fifteen minutes early when he arrives at the Lima Bean, but he expects those fifteen minutes to turn into at least half an hour considering how late Finn was the first time they met here. He buys his usual order, and while he waits for the cashier to give him his change, he turns around and sees Kurt standing behind him. His heart skips a beat and they make eye contact for a few seconds before Kurt looks away and pretends to be busy looking for his wallet.

By the time Sebastian’s coffee is ready, Kurt is still talking to the cashier, so he just finds an empty table near the back, sits down and places his cup of coffee right in front of him, his eyes fixated on Kurt, who’s now looking down at his hands while he waits for his order to be ready. It takes a few minutes, and once he has the steamy cup in his hands, he turns in Sebastian’s direction.

It feels a little surreal to realize that he’s walking straight to his table, and it’s even worse when he stops right in front of him and looks him right in the eye.

“Princess,” Sebastian says, putting his best smirk on, “What do I owe the honor?”

Kurt doesn’t say a word as he sits down in front of him. There’s a minute of silence, or at least it feels like a minute. Could be more, could be less.

“When Blaine told me he cheated you were my first thought,” He says with a dry tone, “I asked him, actually. It surprised me that it wasn’t you just as much as it surprises me that you didn’t try anything with him right after I left, or after we broke up. It really makes me think about a lot of things. And it makes me wonder why you did what you did a year ago.”

Sebastian stares at Kurt for a moment and finds himself looking for something. He doesn’t know what, but he figures he’ll know when he sees it. In the meantime, Kurt is waiting for an answer.

“I wasn’t lying when I said I wasn’t interested in him last year.”

“That doesn’t answer my question,” Kurt quickly says.

Sebastian bites the inside of his cheek as he shrugs, “At first I wanted him back with the Warblers, then I just wanted to piss you off.”

Kurt’s jaw visibly tenses, “Why?”

“I liked to piss you off.”

“Why?”

“I liked our conversations.”

“What conversations?” Kurt asks, “I’m pretty sure this is the first actual conversation we’ve ever had.”

All those questions are starting to overwhelm him because it’s not the usual banter that feels like a tennis match that goes on and on until one of them drops the racket. This is more like Sebastian standing in the middle of the tennis court and Kurt repeatedly throwing balls at him like a modern day stoning.

“Okay, I liked your reactions.”

Kurt scoffs, “Let me see if I understood correctly,” He says, looking up as if he’s arranging the pieces of information in his head, and his mouth hangs slightly open for a few seconds, “So you’re telling me you spent months hitting on my boyfriend and actively trying to sabotage our relationship while making my life hell, not to mention you almost blinded said boyfriend, all to piss me off?”

It sounds really bad when he puts it like that.

No, it simply sounds bad because it is bad.

But half of those things needed two participants, and Sebastian is not the type to insist on flirting with a guy when he’s rejected. He wasn’t rejected. So how is it fair for him to take all the blame for it?

“Yeah, pretty much. But I’m not the only one responsible for a few of those things.”

Kurt frowns, “Who else is responsible then?”

“Your boyfriend,” Sebastian replies, and with a sarcastic tone, he adds, “You know, the cheater you just got back together with.”

Kurt crosses his arms and puts them over the table, slightly leaning forward without breaking eye contact. Sebastian forgot how weirdly intimidating Kurt can look sometimes, because by the look in his face it wouldn’t surprise him if he tried to punch him. That’s another thing Sebastian doesn’t want you to know. He simply doesn’t understand how the hell one gets intimidated by Kurt Hummel. But he does sometimes.

Of course, Kurt doesn’t punch him. His words, however…

“You’ll keep rubbing that in my face, won’t you?” He asks with a soft voice, “I bet you’re offended that he didn’t look for you, and I bet you’re expecting it to happen again and that this time he chooses you. But we both know it won’t happen. We both know that you have no way to sabotage us now, so the only way you have to hurt me is by using what happened before against me, and it’s pathetic.”

That's the moment Sebastian realizes this really is serious. No jokes, no bantering, nothing. And it hurts to realize that it’s possible that the only reason why it used to work is that they had something to fight about. This isn’t a fight. He’s being scolded.

“Why are you so sure he won’t cheat again?” He asks.

“I don’t want to hear it!” Kurt replies. He sighs before continuing, “You said you liked my reactions? I won't give you any. You can do whatever the fuck you want to provoke me, just like you did the other night, and I won’t react, because I have more important things to worry about than your stupid mind games.”

It’s hardly noticeable if you’re not paying attention, but Sebastian notices Kurt’s teary eyes because he’s paying too much.

He can't even reply because Finn is walking in their direction. He gives Sebastian a skeptical look before turning to Kurt, and puts a hand on his shoulder, slightly startling him. Kurt pats Finn’s hand as a silent way of saying ‘Hi.’

“Is he bothering you?” Finn asks.

Kurt forces a chuckle, as he gets up from his chair, “Oh, no. I was just leaving. Do you want me to wait for you?”

Finn shakes his head, his eyes once again fixated on Sebastian, but Kurt doesn’t seem to notice.

“No, go ahead. I have to go back to school after this.”

“Okay, then,” Kurt puts a hand on Finn’s back and smiles at him, “I’ll see you at home.”

Finn nods and watches Kurt walk away until he’s out of the coffee shop before sitting down in the chair he was sitting on a minute ago. He doesn’t bother to go buy a coffee and Sebastian doesn’t bother to ask, mostly because he doesn’t give a fuck but also because he doesn’t notice at all as his eyes keep wandering towards the door as if Kurt left a visible trace behind him.

He eventually notices Finn staring at him and forces himself to step out of his trance.

“What the hell was that?” Finn asks.

“What?” Sebastian replies, and Finn just keeps looking at him, “He came here to sit with me, I didn’t do anything.”

He sounds way too defensive and he can tell that Finn notices. But can he help being defensive? Kurt just made a bunch of false accusations and he didn’t even get the chance to defend himself, so Kurt went home thinking he’s right. He went home, or maybe to Blaine’s house. Perfect fucking Blaine who’s always forgiven because he always has a reason to be the shittiest person in the world. The thought creeps into his mind. They’ll be engaged in three days if Sebastian doesn’t get his shit together.

In three days Kurt will be doomed to get his heart broken again. Over and over again.

“He was upset,” Finn points out, “You always make him upset.”

Sebastian frowns, “I don’t.”

“Well, he doesn’t like being around you,” Finn says, “And it makes me think about, like, how you care enough to try so hard to stop this thing and how you have your reasons but he still can’t stand you. So what’s the point of doing all this?” He pauses and stops to look at Sebastian like he fears he just massively fucked up, then continues, “I mean, you could let me handle everything. He’s my brother. You’re not even his friend.”

Sebastian clenches his jaw almost involuntarily. He doesn’t know why it hurts. He doesn’t want to be Kurt’s friend, he simply wants things to go back to the way they were but with Blaine out of the way, though they could maybe become friends after Kurt ends that relationship. Does he want that, though? He doesn’t know how it would work, because they wouldn’t be friends the way Sebastian is friends with Nick or Jeff. What he has with Kurt is… Different. Kurt is different.

“I just want to do something good for him, I guess.”

“Why?”

Sebastian sighs, “I don’t know anymore. He just accused me of a bunch of shit and it’s so unfair, because it’s not my fucking fault that Blaine liked it when I flirted with him. It’s not my fault he didn’t respect his own relationship. It’s not my fault he cheated, but he acts like I influenced him into being a cheater. He didn’t even cheat with me, so how the fuck is that my fault? And why is Blaine forgiven, why do they act like nothing happened? Blaine never faces any fucking consequences. Everyone fucking loves him because he hides behind that stupid innocent look and he always wins! He’s going to nationals even though the New Directions got third place at sectionals, he still has the respect of the Warblers, he has–”

He cuts himself off and his breath hitches for a moment before he swallows hard as if that way he’s getting rid of the unfamiliar words stuck in his throat. He doesn’t know where that came from, all he knows is that there’s something burning inside his chest and twisting his guts. He doesn’t feel good. Not just now. He hasn’t felt good in a long time. And whatever is happening to him right now is only making it worse.

“He has what?”

Finn’s voice echoes between the walls of the Lima Bean and hits Sebastian right in the face.

“I don’t know what I was going to say,” Sebastian says with an absent tone.

There’s a long, deep silence that makes Sebastian wish Finn bought some goddamn coffee because that way he could be drinking it while staring at him, which would make the whole situation at least five percent more tolerable.

“Do you have feelings for Kurt?”

Finn’s voice breaks something in the air, and Sebastian feels like a shard of glass just flew in his direction and slashed his throat open. Someone was holding it. He sees the hand, but he doesn’t know who it belongs to.

He quickly gets up from his chair and accidentally spills his own lukewarm coffee all over himself in the process. However, he doesn’t react to it. Actually, he doesn’t feel it at all.

“Fuck you!” He shouts at Finn, and pretty much every customer around them turns to look at them, “Fuck you! I’m doing this on my own and I don’t give a fuck what you think or what you do, just stay the fuck away from me or you’re going to fucking regret it!”

He trips over his chair but manages not to fall, picks up his bag and runs out of the building. It takes him a second to realize he threatened Finn in public. He’ll do something about it later, or his dad will. Now all that matters is that he needs to get to his car because somehow being out in the open feels more claustrophobic than being in a reduced space.

When he’s sitting in his car, ready to go, he stops to look at the steering wheel. He doesn’t understand why it’s comforting, but he holds it with both hands as hard as he can. For a second he thinks it’ll work, that he’ll be able to turn on the engine and drive down the road, but the pressure only makes it worse, so he lets go and growls as he begins to smack his hands against it until he can’t feel his palms and his arms are sore.

That’s one way to deal with it.

Whatever it is.

Chapter Text

Sebastian returns to Dalton ridiculously late because his arms hurt so bad he couldn’t drive until after the Lima Bean was closed. He had to hide when Finn came out of the building and hoped he wouldn’t notice his car still there, but, luckily, he didn’t even look in his direction and Sebastian peacefully stayed there for three more hours, listening to the radio and playing a game with himself counting how many songs he recognized by name while he ate a can of chips he found in the glove box and drank an open beer he found under the seat next to him.

How does a person hit rock bottom so fast?

No, this is not it. He’s just hoping that being intoxicated by a beer opened for god knows how long at room temperature will keep him from thinking… Which is also very pathetic.

Eventually, he has to go back to Dalton. So now he’s sneaking behind some bushes towards the hidden door at the back of the building that leads to a set of stairs that starts one floor down in the boiler room and goes all the way up to the roof. Sebastian considers going up to the roof and jumping, but he sighs and heads to the third floor, where his room is. Once he gets there he slams the door shut without caring about the fact that it’s past 1 a.m., takes off his shoes and lies on the floor, staring at the ceiling.

This is the moment when a person starts to think.

Sebastian spends a lot of time thinking, but he doesn’t think much about himself. He doesn’t like it.

Though he doesn’t need to think to know Finn is wrong, because what he asked is more than just stupid, it’s insane.

Sebastian has seen people with crushes and even people in love, he’s seen the way they act and how they talk and he can confidently say he’s never felt that way for anyone. He hasn’t even felt physically attracted to one person for long, because it usually only lasts until he’s done fucking them. He’s incapable of being attached to anyone for long enough to develop feelings. It’s not even exclusively in a romantic sense and that’s why it’s so hard for him to make friends. He knows how to flirt. He doesn’t know how to connect.

And he has hurt Kurt way too much for him to be the exception.

Can you connect with a person negatively?

It doesn’t really matter if it’s possible, because he doesn’t even hate Kurt anymore. There it is.

But it’s also all there is.

He doesn’t even want to sleep with him. He must admit he has thought about it, but it doesn’t mean he has considered it, because it’s insane and Kurt isn’t even his type. I mean, he doesn’t really have a specific type so I guess you could say that his type is everyone but Kurt.

The truth is he’s doing this for closure. A year ago he did his best to weaken Kurt and Blaine’s relationship and somehow he succeeded, and he had fun in the process even though he didn’t get laid. That’s not the point, though. The point is that everything that happened a year ago helped him see the type of person Kurt is… And the type of person Blaine is.

Sebastian has dealt with a lot of guys like Blaine ever since he started dealing with guys. He knows them and doesn’t like them. But he had never even met a guy like Kurt and he highly doubts he’ll ever meet anyone like him again, because there's no way there's anyone else like him. So it took only one look to know that Blaine was going to hurt Kurt eventually and he genuinely thought he was sort of doing him a favor by hitting on his boyfriend.

Yeah, I know.

Then Blaine did exactly what Sebastian expected him to do, and Sebastian was selfishly happy about it because it meant he was right, but he was also happy that it didn’t take longer because that way Kurt was getting out of it way less harmed than he would’ve been if it happened further into the relationship. Which is why he was disappointed to find out that Kurt took Blaine back even though it was the perfect opportunity to go find something better. It’s not right, and Sebastian needs to make it right. He owes it to Kurt.

Once that’s done, he’ll be able to move on. And he’ll never think about Kurt again.

He must get this over with as soon as he can or else he’ll go insane. So he gets up from the floor and sits by his desk with the empty notebook open… 

….And next thing he knows is his entire body is hitting the floor after falling from the chair and there’s a beeping sound coming from an unknown source. His eyes are barely open but he manages to stretch his arm in the direction of the sound and finds his phone on the carpet.

It’s his alarm. It’s fucking 6:30 a.m. and as soon as he fully opens his eyes he’s met by sunlight on his face. He groans and blocks the light with one hand as he gets up from the floor, and everything hurts. I mean, he hit a hard surface repeatedly, so his arms hurt; he drank an expired beer and ate an entire can of chips, so his stomach hurts; he slept on a chair, so his butt and neck hurt; and he just fell from said chair so that doubles the pain. He wouldn’t be surprised if a blunt object fell through the roof right now and hit him in the head.

He needs a clear mind before he goes back to thinking, so he goes straight to the showers. He always showers earlier than everyone else to avoid unnecessary human contact and because for some reason the other guys are always talking while they shower and hiding each other's clothes and hitting each other with towels and they overall exhibit an excessive amount of annoying behaviors.

For a guy who’s attracted to guys, Sebastian really fucking hates guys.

Anyways. Right now he’s falling asleep in the shower and it feels nice until his forehead hits the tiles in front of him and he instinctively takes a step back that makes him slip on the bar soap he dropped while he was falling asleep, and falls back towards the frosted glass door. For a second he’s sure the glass will hold his weight, and it does, but the goddamn lock breaks and the door opens.

So now he’s laying on his back, naked and wet, while the water is still running.

Jesus Fucking Christ.

Why the fuck didn’t they use sliding doors?

At least you didn’t hit your head. You don’t want a concussion right now.

Sebastian considers staying in that position because his back hurts too much to move and he thinks he could even get some more sleep on the floor, but being found naked like this by his classmates would make him look way more pathetic than he feels and he can’t afford to do that to his image, especially not in his senior year.

He groans and tries to get up, but he only manages to crawl back into the shower and ends up washing himself while sitting because he’s terrified of getting up. Once he’s finished, he sits at the edge and dries his feet and wipes the floor with the same towel before getting up, and there’s still no sign of any of the other guys. He doesn’t want to be there with everyone else, so instead of drying himself there he quickly takes his stuff and goes back to his room.

He can barely walk on the way back to his room and he drops himself on his bed as soon as he reaches it, still wet and half naked. It takes him a while and a few deep breaths before getting up. He tries to think of something while he dries himself, and it comes to him.

He tried to stop Blaine. He tried to stop the Warblers. Now it’s time to do what he does best.

Stop the competition.

Looks like Sebastian Smythe is skipping class today.

It’s time he begins to act without thinking so much because the proposal is in two days and he has achieved nothing. So he puts on his best street clothes and heads towards the shed behind the main building to get the raw materials he needs for the most impulsive, least thought out plan he’s ever made. Less than fifteen minutes later he’s loading the trunk of his car with a couple gallons of motor oil and one of gasoline.

I know how it sounds.

And I won’t say ‘It’s not what you think’ because it’s probably very close if not exactly what you’re thinking.

It takes him less than two hours to get to Carmel. He knows for a fact that the auditorium is forbidden ground for anyone who’s not in Vocal Adrenaline, so nobody is going to step foot on that stage until their meeting after lunch. He puts his materials in a duffel bag and casually enters the school through the front door, then walks through the hallways hoping he blends into the crowd of teenagers heading to their next classes. He does blend quite well, and it’s as convenient as it is offensive because he’s not just some guy people can ignore. That’s one of many reasons why he loves wearing that goddamn uniform.

It’s not that easy to find the auditorium considering he can’t ask anyone, but he eventually sees a sign hanging from the ceiling with the word ‘AUDITORIUM’ and a beautiful arrow leading the way. He looks behind him to make sure the coast is clear before running in that direction, carefully opens the door to avoid making noise and quickly sneaks inside. He makes his way towards the stage as fast as he can and, though he struggles to climb on it due to the lack of stairs, he does it quite fast and hides at one of the sides, putting his bag on the ground to take the motor oil out. Then he just opens the gallon and lets the oil spill all over the floor.

He finds a broom backstage that he uses to carefully spread the liquid, then he opens the second gallon at the other side of the stage and repeats the process so the entire stage is covered in a thick layer of oil. It’s nearly impossible for anyone to walk on it and not fall on their ass, so Sebastian expects at least a couple broken bones and concussions, and a lot of sprained ankles.

He’s also pretty sure that it won’t take much for Jesse St. James to demand them to drop out of the event.

Sebastian throws the empty gallons into a trash can and carefully jumps offstage trying not to stain his clothes. Then he starts making his way up towards the door, hiding behind the seats one row at a time so he’s not caught in case someone comes in. He’s three rows away from the door when he hears noise coming from backstage. He crouches behind one of the seats and watches two middle aged men enter the scene; one of them seated on a ride-on floor scrubber that covers the stage with white foam.

Are you fucking kidding me?

“I hope they fire that St. James guy soon,” The man with the machine says, “He’s making the school waste a lot of money and making us waste a lot of time cleaning this goddamn stage before every rehearsal when there’s not a single speck of dust on the floor. Son of a bitch.”

The other man cackles as he moves some equipment away from the stage to give the other man more space, “That asshole needs the floor shining like a mirror so he can look at himself. I bet even his ego has a reflection. Thinks he’s a big deal because he can sing but he’s dumb as a rock.”

Sebastian hears the men talk shit about Jesse St. James until they finish their job and they leave, which, unfortunately, is about an hour. Once he gets his privacy back, he runs towards the stage and jumps back on it, and as he looks around he finds his beautiful work completely undone.

Fuck.

Fuck.

FUCK.

HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS HAPPEN?

He tells himself that he can’t exit the building without doing something. He needs to succeed at this because he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s going to do if it doesn’t work. He could still cause a disturbance on the road from Lima to Westerville on the day of the event, but he’d need a lot of luck to pull that off and that’s the one thing he doesn’t have. 

He runs backstage looking for ideas. There’s a wide hallway full of equipment and near the back there are several doors. He opens the first door to his right and…

Of course these motherfuckers have fucking dressing rooms.

Each of their main vocalists have private dressing rooms and there’s a big one for the rest of the team. It would make the most sense to mess with the vocalists, but since this is more of a team thing, Sebastian chooses to mess with the team.

In the team’s dressing room there’s a line of hangers with transparent garment bags containing their costumes for the proposal. He has to admit they’re pretty and it would be a shame to ruin them, but that’s the thing: It would be a shame to ruin them. It’s the most viable option at this point. However, he could be caught if he takes the time to take all of the dresses out of their bags and he would also be caught if he took all those bags with him out of the building.

He looks around in case he can find something that could help.

That’s it.

There’s one more thing inside his bag that he hasn’t used.

He takes off his jacket and hides him behind a speaker on stage so he can roll up his sleeves before getting to work because this shit is about to get serious. And I mean serious.

He opens his bag and takes out the gallon of gasoline.

He goes back inside the dressing room and quickly soaks the fuck out of those garment bags. He’s careful to only soak the bags and hangers so the fire doesn’t spread more than it should, once he’s done he takes the gallon to the stage so it’s nowhere near the fire, then goes to the janitor’s closet at the end of the hallway. He turns on the lights and looks through the shelves where he finds tools, cleaning products, mops, brooms, and, finally… a beautiful box of matches. He runs back to the dressing room and stands a few steps away from the doorway, and there’s a moment of hesitation. He walks towards the doorway and looks inside, calculating the distance before closing his eyes as he lights two matches at the same time and throws them inside with a shaky hand.

He smiles as he hears the sound of fire burning.

Burn, baby, burrrrrrrrn.

Then he opens his eyes.

He cackles as he watches his rushed plan come to life and the garment bags burning, fire spreading all over the hangers and the sound of plastic slowly melting. He’s still laughing as the smell becomes stronger, and then…

All it takes is a spark.

A tiny spark flies from a garment bag to the floor and a line of fire ignites all the way to the stage, right where Sebastian left the gallon of gasoline and he stops breathing for a second right before he realizes he needs to run further into the hallway, as far away from the stage as he can. And, luckily, he’s fast enough to get to the end of the hallway a moment before it fucking explodes. He instinctively covers his ears and closes his eyes, turning his face towards the janitor’s closet’s door; and it only takes a moment for the sound of fire to become louder.

Sebastian opens his eyes and turns around.

Oh, no.

Dear God.

Please, God. I’ll be good. 

Please, please, please.

I’ll be an angel and I won’t ask for anything in return except for this.

Flames are coming out of the dressing room and spread all over the walls in his direction. His lungs are starting to feel tight as if they’re getting ready for the smoke that’s about to fill the room sooner or later but, in a moment of clarity inside his panic, he notices a door a couple of feet to his left. A big heavy metal door. He runs that way and pushes himself against the door hoping his weight is enough to open it… But it doesn’t. Because it’s fucking locked. The fucking janitors locked the fucking doors on their way out. 

He considers himself very much dead at this point.

Unless…

He’s pretty sure he can run towards the stage… Which is also in flames, but he could crawl offstage hopefully unharmed, though he would be obviously harmed if he throws himself off the stage which is at least two meters if we count the one meter tall border where he stepped so he could climb on it earlier. Not to mention he could get burned in the process. His skin wouldn’t even need to touch the fire. Oh, fuck.

He has to scrap the idea once the fire spreads to the other side of the hallway, where the equipment is. The hard plastic immediately produces thick smoke and the smoke sensors finally start beeping, and water starts sprinkling.

YES.

FUCK, YES.

Thank you, God. I promise I’ll go to church next Sunday.

Of course, it’s not enough to completely put the fire out but it is enough for it to decrease it so he can have the space he needs to get the fuck out of that hallway. He’s soaking wet in a matter of seconds but he can’t afford to care at the moment as his priority is to get to the stage. He’s about to reach it when, for the second time today, he slips and falls to the floor, this time face down.

The alarms begin.

The lights go out and there’s noise coming from everywhere, so loud Sebastian has to stay on the wet floor covering his ears with his hands hoping it ends soon. It doesn’t. So he eventually uncovers his ears and looks behind him, at a hallway now bathed in red and blue lights, and over the sound of the alarms there’s a voice coming out of a speaker. He can’t understand what it says but he does hear the splashing sound of people running across the wet floor.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Hey, God. Would it be too much to ask you for one more thing?

If you help me, I’ll stay celibate for a year.

No, that’s too much. A month.

Is a month enough?

You must be aware of how hard that would be for me.

The sound keeps coming closer so he assumes God will not come to the rescue and he has to save himself. Now he looks at what’s ahead of him, a wide wet floor he could slip on again, especially considering water is still falling from the ceiling so running across the stage would be like running in the shower. So, after barely three seconds of thinking he comes to the conclusion that he has no other option but to crawl his way out of the scene.

He’ll have to commit a number of sins yet to be defined in order to keep up with the punishments he has already been given, because there’s no way he has done enough bad things to deserve this type of degradation.

On the bright side, there’s another hallway behind the opposite side of the stage; but, of course, water is falling from the ceiling here too and he couldn’t stand falling a third time, so he has no other option but to keep crawling on his stomach in that direction.

Couldn’t stand.

Get it?

No?

Not funny?

Anyways.

He reaches a doorway at the end of that hallway and he holds on to it so he can get up. It takes a few tries because his right foot keeps slipping to the side and he really doesn’t want to fall, but he eventually manages to get on his feet and limps his way across the narrow hallway behind the doorway towards the light at the end of it that he really hopes doesn’t mean he’s dead, but he doesn’t really care that much because all he wants at the moment is to get the fuck out of here. As he approaches he hears noise; yelling and panicked screams filling the air. His breath hitches for an instant as he realizes that a fire inevitably causes an evacuation.

So he will inevitably be seen while he gets out of the building; suspiciously soaking wet. He takes a deep breath before taking a step into the open space and it doesn’t even take one second until he almost runs into a panicked girl running towards an emergency exit, followed by a boy dragging a crying girl by the hand. Is it fucked up that he doesn’t feel bad for them? He only has energy to feel bad for himself.

Anyways, at least he knows what direction to go. He limps in that direction leaving a trace of water behind him and he’s about to reach the emergency door that will take him to the parking lot when he hears a person squeaking as they hit the floor. Whoops.

He really wishes he wasn’t seen by any living thing that could cross his way, but here he is, in the middle of a parking lot packed with people running towards their cars and nearly crashing into each other as they try to drive away from the building. At least everyone is so panicked he manages to go almost completely unnoticed and limps between the cars towards the sidewalk because he parked his car around the corner.

He tries to ignore the firetrucks and firemen guiding people outside the building as he walks down the sidewalk, soaking wet and covered in dirt because they clearly don’t clean they hallways as much as they clean that fucking stage. He really wishes he didn’t choose today of all days to wear a white shirt with light grey stripes.

This is what rock bottom looks like.

He just hit rock bottom because of Kurt Hummel. 

No, he just hit rock bottom for Kurt Hummel.

For the first time in his eighteen years of life, he wishes people didn’t turn around to look at him. At least they quickly get distracted by the fire trucks… He didn’t remember the corner being so far away. Is he even walking in the right direction? And why is this fucking school in a fucking boulevard?

It feels like he has crossed the entire town when he finally reaches the damn corner, and there is his beautiful car that he’s sure right now looks way too good for him and if anyone sees him get inside it they will think he’s stealing it because nobody understands that sometimes guys with cool, expensive cars have inconveniences. It’s just another backfired plan. Not a big deal. He takes a deep breath and reaches for his keys in his back pocket.

Okay.

This is starting to look like the biggest joke in history.

Because apparently going to hell after you die is not enough, you gotta have a taste of it while you’re still alive. It makes Sebastian wonder if his death is near. Maybe it is his destiny to kill himself at that proposal. Maybe that’s the only way to stop it because Kurt and Blaine will be so traumatized they won’t be able to look at each other ever again for the rest of their lives.

I’m guessing at this point you can imagine what happened, but to make sure we’re on the same page and to avoid any confusion, I’m going to tell you.

He put the keys in the jacket he forgot at the auditorium. A jacket that, for all he knows, could be nothing but ashes at this point because of the fire. And even if it isn’t, the keys could be fucking melted.

Take a deep breath.

Don’t freak out.

You’re in the middle of a fucking street so fucking save it.

All you have to do is turn around, walk back to that fucking school and hope you find that fucking jacket behind that fucking speaker. How hard can it be? Right? I mean, there are things that would be way easier such as walking into traffic but that’s a backup plan. First let’s see if you can find those fucking keys you fucking idiot.

Wow, did I hear that right? Did he just admit that he’s an idiot?

He takes a few deep breaths before turning around trying to look as dignified as possible, making sure his breath and steps are synchronized so he doesn’t lose his fucking mind before reaching the building. There’s water dripping over his face, neck and shoulders, but at least his clothes are starting to dry. They say it gets worse before it gets better; so maybe forgetting his keys was his worse and it’s starting to get better. He hopes so. He has to or else he’ll turn to his right and walk straight into traffic. So he keeps looking ahead and calmly walks until he finally reaches his destination and once again makes his way between the cars and panicked people all over the parking lot towards the door he used to exit the building.

The door opens in front of him and two girls run out of the building as Sebastian enters before the door closes again. Everything is relatively silent; meaning there’s no panicked screams or people running and the only visible person is a fireman standing near the hallway he’s supposed to go through.

Fuck. Again.

Sebastian stands against the wall and watches the man, hoping he walks away on his own so he doesn’t have to improvise once again. However, minutes pass and the man is still standing there, looking at his feet through his thick helmet that blocks his peripheral vision enough for Sebastian to remain unseen by him. Sebastian is starting to get impatient and looks around trying to come up with something that could work as a distraction, but there’s literally nothing around him and he doesn’t even have anything to throw to distract the man away from the hallway.

He’s about to run for it pushing his non-existent luck in hopes he can run fast enough to not be caught as he sneaks into the hallway when a whistle is heard. The fireman waves at someone and walks away.

At least something goes well. Sort of.

Sebastian tries to walk quietly towards the hallway, but, of course, his water filled shoes squeak against the tiled floor. He sighs after one step and takes them off before he keeps walking with nothing but wet socks.

The hallway is not like he remembers. Well, he didn’t have time to catch any details but he certainly didn’t expect to find a dark, narrow hallway with a single lightbulb hanging a few feet before a doorway that’s missing a door. Not scary at all.

He sighs again before entering the hallway. He tries not to slip in his way to the mysterious doorway and he unbelievably manages to reach it while still standing firmly on his feet.

See? Maybe it’s getting better now. Or so he thinks until he walks past the doorway and slips again because he forgot that the hallway that leads to the stage is wet wet.

But don’t worry, he doesn’t fall this time. He stretches his arms to each of his sides and manages to hold onto the walls. He takes a deep breath as he keeps walking, this time taking one careful step at a time until he reaches the stage.

The fire is completely out, but there’s still smoke emanating from the floor. Sebastian fears it must still be hot, so he puts his wet shoes back on before he keeps walking.

You got this.

He looks around for the giant speaker and he can’t see it. His hands are starting to sweat and his heart is beating faster because what is he going to do if he doesn’t find his keys? He doesn’t even have his wallet on him and nobody is going to give him a ride because he looks like he’s coming out of a sewer. Jesus, he’d have no choice but to walk all the way back to Westerville and he doesn’t think he can survive that.

Oh, there it is.

At the back of the stage, hidden behind a curtain that is surprisingly unharmed. He runs in that direction and doesn’t think before putting both of his hands on top of it and… FUCK!

Of course it’s fucking scalding.

He blows some cold air on his palms and covers his hands with his sleeves before trying again. He climbs on it to get to the other side and looks around.

Where the fuck is it?

IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!!!

WHERE DID YOU PUT IT YOU FUCKING IDIOT???

YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT.

YOU SHOULD FUCKING KILL Y–

Oh. 

A sleeve is peeking behind a pillar. He pulls on it and there is his beautiful black denim jacket. He can’t help but cackle as he takes a good look at it, and it’s never looked better. He’ll have to wash it several times to get rid of the smell of smoke and burnt plastic but he will definitely cherish it forever as proof of his resilience.

Anyways.

After a couple more minutes of theatre kid level dramatism, he looks inside the pockets and there are his keys, completely unharmed.

He puts on his jacket and carefully makes his way out of the building.

All chaos has died in the parking lot. There’s no people and only a couple of cars, so he has enough free space to run as fast as he can without risking running into anyone or anything. Once he’s in the sidewalk, his way back to his car is way faster than before, mostly because he’s been seen by so many people he doesn’t give a fuck about drawing attention to himself anymore.

He doesn’t even look around to see if there’s any people around him or if the firetrucks are still there, he just runs until he reaches the corner, then jogs towards his car. It takes him a few tries to finally open it, then he quickly gets inside and drives away from that hellish place.

He turns on the radio so he can relax. Maybe that will help.

Fuck no.

Live While We’re Young is playing .

One of the songs the Warblers performed in the sectionals they won then lost to the New Directions. That song is the reason why Blaine is going to Los Angeles in a couple of weeks, which doesn’t have anything to do with this but it’s still another undeserved thing the son of a bitch has because the fucking universe loves him.

Something Sebastian would have if it wasn’t for that stupid fucking twink who made them cheat. That stupid fucking twink he fucked once. Or twice. Who keeps count? Not the point.

The point is that this song he flawlessly performed is the reason why Blaine Anderson might end up with a nationals’ trophy in his senior year.

If he doesn’t stop this insanity that motherfucker will have the guy, too.

I mean, he already has the guy but this time he could really have the guy.

Wait. Kurt is not an object some asshole could own, he’s a person. A good person and that’s why he shouldn’t be with Blaine, not because he has to be with someone else. And even if it was like that, who the fuck would be that someone else? It’s not like Kurt has a line of suitors, waiting for him to be single, right?

Jesus Fucking Christ.

Turn off the fucking radio.

Of course, it doesn’t turn off and he can’t change the station. He tries his best to keep his eyes on the—luckily empty—road while he presses every single button until he finds one that works. The volume button. To be more specific, the one that turns the volume up.

“Fuck!” Sebastian shouts, his voice barely audible over the music, “Fuck, fuck, fuck! Are you fucking kidding me?” He’s shouting at the radio. An inanimate object. Then he opens the window and shouts at the air, “Do you want me to fucking kill myself, you fucking asshole? Are you in a rush to send me to hell? I fucking hate you, you fucking motherfucker! I never gave a fuck about you anyways! Fuck you! Fuck! You!”

He gives the sky the middle finger.

Then he screams.

The stupid song ends and he’s still screaming.

Then he laughs.

Then he makes some weird noise that sounds like laughing, crying and screaming at the same time except he’s not laughing or crying or screaming anymore.

Die Young by Kesha starts playing.

Is this a sign?

He arrives at Dalton before he can figure it out, and he follows his own steps from last night. Back door. Stairs. Roof? No, third floor. For the first time since he woke up, he feels immensely lucky because he arrived during classes, so he won’t be seen by anyone. Or so he thinks until he opens his room’s door and finds Finn Hudson sitting on his bed.

“I thought I locked the door,” Sebastian says, his voice raspy from screaming so much.

“You didn’t,” Finn replies, and Sebastian walks towards his closet while he waits for it, “You look like hell.”

Sebastian scoffs, “I just got back.”

Finn doesn’t get the reference.

Sebastian grabs a towel and some clean clothes from his closet because he’s sticky, smelly and overall fucking nasty. He flashes a forced smile at Finn before leaving the room without saying a word; and as he approaches the showers at the end of the hallway he prays he doesn’t end up naked on the floor like he did earlier. He doubts the God he occasionally-sort-of believes in will do him any favors after how he treated him early. But he owes him, right? No, who is he kidding? Fathers are not precisely known for apologizing to their offspring.

He turns on the water and stares at it for a while before sighing and getting inside. He’s extremely careful this time, possibly more careful than he’s ever been with anything in his entire life, because he really doesn’t think he can handle any more bad luck. He succeeds at getting out of the shower unharmed, puts on a pair of jeans and one of his grey gym t-shirts because he’s not in the mood to put on that itchy uniform and he doesn’t have any intentions of going to any of his classes today anyways. So it will just be him, his mind, and the rainy cloud following him everywhere.

He hopes Finn is not in his room when he gets back.

But of course he’s still there.

“So you’re not gonna tell me what happened?” Finn asks as soon as Sebastian closes the door.

“I improvised,” Sebastian says without elaborating, “What the fuck are you doing here?”

Finn sighs and looks at his hands for a moment before speaking, “I’m here to apologize for asking you that, it was the wrong question.”

Sebastian does his best to avoid showing a reaction, because he’s honestly a bit shocked. He simply crosses his arms and looks at Finn straight in the face and stays silent until he’s sure his voice will be come out as contained as it can considering how fucking terrible his day has been and how close he is to doing that one thing he never does.

“What was the right question?”

Finn’s mouth opens, then closes and Sebastian notices the hint of a smile. He can’t be sure if he’s being laughed at or what the hell is going through Finn’s mind, and he’s about to ask him when the idiot finally answers.

Well, not exactly.

“Look, Sebastian… I don’t think you’re a bad guy,” He says, “I think there’s something good in you, but you don’t wanna let it out. I have no idea what you feel but… I think Kurt brings out that good in you, and I guess that’s what I saw yesterday.”

Sebastian stares at him and Finn breaks eye contact in a matter of seconds.

“Then you’re more stupid than I thought.”

“Why?” Finn doesn’t sound offended. At all.

Sebastian shakes his head, “I haven’t been good to any of you. I’ve been a piece of shit since I met you, and it looks like karma is kicking my ass now.”

“You’re not bad now,” Finn points out as he gets up, “You said it yourself, man. You said that we shouldn’t think about last year, right? You said things were different and– and I’ve been thinking and I realized that they are. Different, I mean.”

Sebastian crosses his arms tighter, and at this point it’s more like he’s hugging himself, “Right. But Kurt doesn’t bring out anything good in me, he just makes me worse. I make him worse, too.”

Finn walks closer and Sebastian really wants him to go away. He wants to yell and push him and tell him to go fuck himself but he doesn’t have the energy. He barely has enough energy to stand.

“You don’t,” Finn says, “You just don’t understand each other, dude. I got it last night when I was talking to him.”

Sebastian’s heart skips a beat. He’s pretty sure showing interest would make him look pathetic, but he’s simply too curious, so he clears his throat and asks, “What did you talk about?”

Finn offers him a warm smile, “He’s convinced you’re trying to hurt him. It’s actually affecting him, like, he’s ready to defend himself in case you attack. I told him he shouldn’t judge you because maybe you actually changed and that he should hear you out. He looked at me like I just told him Lady Gaga died or something.”

“Why did you do that?” Sebastian asks with a frown.

“Because he can’t stand you and you still haven’t given up on this, even though we both know that he’ll probably hate you even more if this works,” Finn says. A pause before he adds, “You have to admit that you care enough to try to make things right no matter what.”

Sebastian wants to argue. He really does, but all he can do is press his lips together and nod.

He’s so fucking tired.

He needs to leave all of this behind. He needs to forgive himself. And he needs to stop being the ghost that follows Kurt everywhere; because he knows that’s what he is to him. He knows this because Kurt is the ghost that follows him everywhere. Neither of them has escaped whatever last year was, and Sebastian knows that, as soon as Blaine gets on one knee, Kurt will see an escape; but he will be wrong. He’ll just trap himself in another harmful cycle. And Sebastian knows a lot about all types of harmful cycles.

“So what now?” He asks.

Finn looks like he’s been waiting for this since forever, “Now we think. But, like, for real this time.”

Sebastian takes a deep breath as he sits by his desk and taps his fingers against the surface for a moment. There’s dirt under his fingernails and it makes him feel gross again, yet it somehow makes him realize that Finn is surprisingly right. We all know Kurt can’t stand Sebastian; but Sebastian didn’t really think about the fact that he will hate him even more if he succeeds at ruining his relationship. It shouldn’t matter but…

It shouldn’t matter because Sebastian never expected anything from Kurt.

No, that’s not true.

One of the main reasons why he’s doing this is because he’s expecting something from Kurt. Not anything specific, just… Something. And what’s a little more hate to add to what Kurt already feels towards him?

God, you’re a mess.

Sebastian doesn’t want to admit that he can’t have the intention to close a cycle and want to get back what he used to have with someone at the same time. And he doesn’t want to admit that he can’t stop thinking about Kurt beyond this proposal bullshit. It’s like Kurt is a parasite that got inside his brain and is slowly devouring it; and yes, it’s been there for a long time, mostly dormant, but it’s gotten progressively worse since that sleepover. And he doesn’t want to see him ever again yet he wants to go back to whatever the fuck was going on between them back in the day. 

You have to choose.

What do you choose?

It might be his—also dormant—need for self-flagellation that he’s all of the sudden feeling an itch that will only be scratched once he gets that promised extra dose of Kurt’s hate. Why? Because it means that he will have to move on whether he likes it or not. He still really doesn’t want to.

All you do is lie to yourself.

This isn’t entirely about Kurt.

It’s about you; about what you want and what you don’t.

Why don’t you want to move on?

Maybe you needed to have this goddamn awful day to wake up.

A terrible day like this can help a guy realize that if he’s willing to crawl along a nasty muddy hallway to save the guy he used to hate but not anymore, he’s past the point of no return. So he has to make this work even if it means blowing up this fucking school.

Then you’ll move the fuck on.

You don’t want to, but you have to. Don’t pretend you don’t know how it goes. If this works and they break up it might not even be for good, and even if it is, Kurt will go back to his new life in New York and you’ll never see him again. There’s no going back to what you had. He’ll be gone in a few days and that will be it.

Closure, remember? Stick to that idea until it breaks through that thick skull of yours.

Now focus.

“Do you have anything in mind?” He asks Finn.

Finn sits back on the bed and leans in with his long arms resting on his legs, “I was thinking of a cockroach infestation.”

Sebastian scrunches his nose, “Ew, no. I live here, I don’t want bugs in my bed.”

Finn takes a deep breath, his eyes fixated on Sebastian’s face. A tiny smirk appears on his face as he apparently comes up with something else, “What about a rat infestation?”

“I don’t want rat poop on my stuff,” Sebastian replies, “Do you have any ideas that don’t involve an infestation?”

Finn shrugs, “That’s as far as I got.”

Two days.

They have two fucking days and this is what Finn has in mind.

Well, that’s more than what you have.

“Okay, do you think you have a way to stop the New Directions without them realizing that you know?”

Finn looks up to the ceiling, and, a moment later, that look of victory appears on his face again.

“What about a rat infestation in McKinley?”

Jesus Fucking Christ.

“What would that even—,” Sebastian stops to take a deep breath, “What’s up with you and rats?”

Finn shrugs again, “You remind me of a rat. You have like– rat energy.”

He says it so casually that Sebastian can’t even be offended. In fact, it’s the millionth time since yesterday that he looks at Finn and he sees his brother. Mostly because of that one comment Kurt made that one time.

“Your brother said a meerkat,” He says.

There’s a moment of silence before Finn bursts into laughter and it makes Sebastian smile for a reason he doesn’t understand. Maybe because it’s funny. Maybe because Kurt is the funniest guy he’s ever met and it’s one of the reasons why he wants him around, just like it is one of many reasons why he’s too good for everyone, especially Sebastian. That’s why he has to man up and let go.

His phone buzzes on the desk.

If it’s Blaine I swear to God…

Oh.

Unknown number:

• Hi, Sebastian?
• I don’t know why you gave me your number or if this even your number
• But I was wondering if you wanted to talk

Oh.

Oh, fuck.

How…

Why…

What…

“Are you okay, man?” Finn asks.

Sebastian quickly nods, “Yeah, I’m fine.”

Sebastian:

• I didn’t think you’d want to talk to me
• Yeah I’d like to talk

Kurt:

• Yeah, I didn’t think I’d want to talk to you either
• But I’m at the Lima Bean right now and I’ll be here for a while so…
• If you’re around you could come here so we can talk
• No pressure

Sebastian:

• I’ll be there

Kurt likes the message.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Sebastian quickly gets up from his chair and runs towards the closet to get a sweater and a jacket, and for a moment he completely forgets about Finn. In fact, he only remembers when he hears his voice.

“Hey, dude, where are you going?”

“Uh, something came up, so I won’t be here for a while but you keep thinking, okay? Try to think of something that doesn’t involve rats,” Sebastian knows he’s speaking too fast and Finn is frowning at him, but he’s not in the right state to care, “You can stay here for a while if you want but lock the door when you leave.”

He doesn’t have enough time to kick him out and he doesn’t want him to see that he’s going to Lima, so he just gives him a pat on the back before running out of his room and downstairs towards the front door without thinking about the fact that he could probably be stopped because it’s the middle of class. Luckily, there’s no one there, so he runs out of the building and into his car, and, for the first time since last year, he’s actually excited to go to Lima.

Wow.

Nothing bad happened on his way out.

Maybe this is all he needed to…

What the actual fuck?

A car swerves in Sebastian’s direction so fast that for a second he genuinely thinks he’s going to die. His heart is pressed against his ribs so tightly it feels like it’s going to burst and the car stops so abruptly that instead of simply stopping it starts turning in circles, and Sebastian closes his eyes as he maneuvers to his right and his own car turns in circles a few times until a crash sound is heard in the distance and he brakes immediately, causing his body to violently move forward, and his forehead hits the steering wheel.

Ouch.

Whoops, spoke too soon.

Am I dead?

He slowly opens his eyes and sees perfectly trimmed leaves pressed against his windshield. Looks like he crashed into a bush, but he barely has time to feel relieved because he has to move quickly since his car is blocking the road and he might get hit for real this time. He puts his elbow on his seat's backrest to get a better look at the road, and he’s starting to turn the steering wheel when he hears the explosion.

He jumps in his seat and quickly looks to his right and there it is, the car that almost crashed into him, engulfed in flames; surrounded by nothing but silence and the sound of fire. The first thing he notices and, to be quite honest, relieves him, is that there are no screams of pain or cries for help. He considers getting out of his car to check but quickly realizes that even if he went there, there’s nothing he can do. So he dials 911.

He gives them directions, tells them his personal information… And they tell him to stay there.

Fuck.

The firemen arrive in less than five minutes and extinguish the fire, followed by two ambulances while Sebastian patiently waits inside his car. A paramedic approaches and asks if he’s doing okay and Sebastian politely tells her that he is. The young woman shakes her head and with a nod she asks Sebastian to exit the car. Sebastian sits on the hood of his car while the paramedic checks his forehead.

“You got lucky here,” She says. Ha fucking ha , “You have a little cut there, though. Not much, you won’t have a concussion or anything, so no need to worry. But I’ll have to clean it so it doesn’t get infected, okay?”

Sebastian nods and a sigh escapes, and he feels stupid because all he can think about is that Kurt is waiting for him. He almost fucking dies and that’s all he can think about.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

The paramedic gets her first aid kit and while she does, Sebastian turns to look at the smoking car while a fireman looks inside the car and Sebastian could swear he smells charred meat, at least until the fireman shouts that the car is empty.

Oh, okay. That’s good. Your bad luck hasn’t had any fatal casualties as far as you know.

He looks back at the paramedic, still feeling a little queasy.

The paramedic is attentively watching him as she puts on a pair of gloves, and Sebastian hates that she seems to be studying him. He swallows hard and pretends not to notice, focusing on her hand movements.

“You look a little impatient there,” She points out, “What’s your name?”

“Sebastian.”

“Sebastian,” The paramedic repeats like she’s tasting each syllable, “Are you in a rush?”

“Kind of.”

“A date with your girlfriend?”

Sebastian snorts without even noticing, making the paramedic frown. That’s when he finally stops to really look at her, and she looks like she’s around his age, so she’s probably not older than twenty. It would make sense that they sent her to deal with him for being the least experienced.

“Sorry. No, girlfriends are not my thing.”

“Hmm, I see,” The girl keeps watching him like she’s actually looking for something and it’s almost creepy. What is taking her so long? “Is it a boyfriend then?”

Right.

Sebastian’s stomach tightens for a moment and once again he feels like he’s going to throw up. He shakes his head, “Nope. I’d say it’s the opposite of a boyfriend.”

The paramedic chuckles as she soaks a cotton pad in water and carefully wipes the skin around the cut, and it tickles, “What’s the opposite of a boyfriend? A boy-enemy?”

Sebastian chuckles as well, “Yeah, that’s more like it.”

She dries the area before soaking a cotton bud in iodine, and she brushes it against the cut without warning. Sebastian has to bite his tongue to avoid making a noise and the paramedic quietly apologizes, then they don’t talk until she finishes putting a thin bandage on his forehead, “Okay, Sebastian. We’re done here, but you stay right where you are.”

“Thanks,” Sebastian replies, “I won’t move, I promise.”

“Good luck with your boy-enemy!” She shouts as she walks away.

It takes Sebastian a moment to realize he’s smiling to himself like an idiot, and he feels like an idiot. Like an idiotic high school boy with the opposite of a crush, whatever that means.

He’s thinking about it when a police car stops right next to his own and two policemen step out of it. One of them walks towards the ambulances while the other extends his hand for Sebastian to shake it. He does it.

“Good evening, Mr. Smythe?” The policeman asks, and Sebastian nods, “I’m Captain Johnson. I need to ask you a few questions and we’ll do a test in a moment to check if you’re under the influence. Just a protocol thing.”

Sebastian answers all the questions. Where he came from, where he’s going, where he lives, where his parents live, his parents’ names, his friends’ names, etc. He repeats the questions a couple of times to see if he’s consistent with his answers, then he makes him fill a form and sign it to authorize the alcohol test.

Of course, he’s sober.

“That was all, Mr. Smythe. We’ll check the cameras then get back to you for some questioning if it’s needed, alright?” Captain Johnson tells him, “You’re not a suspect of anything, just a protocol thing.”

Sebastian nods, “Okay, sure.”

“Alright. Thank you for your cooperation, you can go ahead now.”

Captain Johnson pats his shoulder before walking away.

Sebastian gets back in his car as fast as he can and looks at the time. He wasted around an hour in there and Kurt most likely already left the Lima Bean. He considers texting him or going back to Dalton, but he needs this too much to turn around just like that. He takes a deep breath, and, right as he turns on the engine, he hears some groaning and a voice calling for paramedics and Captain Johnson. He looks out the window and sees a fireman carrying a seemingly unharmed person who clings onto him while crying.

“I think she jumped before it crashed!” The fireman shouts, “Let’s get her in the ambulance!”

Sebastian feels his muscles slowly relaxing as he drives away.

So that was… Something.

He’ll go back to that later, maybe when he finally decides to see a therapist in about a decade from now.

Focus, man. You have important things to do now. Not to be insensitive but what happened back there is not your problem.

He turns on the radio hoping there’s no songs attached to Sebastian’s bad memories playing in it. There aren’t, so he enjoys a relatively peaceful drive listening to relatively decent music, which is the closest he’s had to a good time today. At least until it starts to rain and it’s like the universe is making fun of him. If today is still trying to make him go insane, he won’t let it win. He’s a stronger man after this terrible day. So thank you, God or universe or both. You can get your beauty sleep because you did what many people have tried and failed to do over the past decade; you made Sebastian Smythe a better person.

It’s still raining when he arrives at the Lima Bean. He’s wearing a denim jacket that won’t protect him from the rain and he will get his hair wet, but it will definitely not drip all over his face like it did this morning so it’s not a big deal, except now Kurt is going to see him.

Wait, why do you care about that?

Because you can’t let him see you like a pathetic little man since, you know, you’re supposed to hate each other and people who hate each other don’t like to seem weak in front of the other. Why else?

Right.

Sebastian looks himself in the rearview mirror to make sure he looks decent before getting out of the car, and, of course, he immediately steps into a puddle, tainting his white sneakers with brown water. Fuck. It’s clear that God or the universe or both are trying to teach him a real lesson, or maybe it’s a test to see how long it takes him to absolutely lose his shit. But he won’t. Not because he’s a calm, contained person—he doesn’t think he is—but because he refuses to give God or the universe or both what they want.

He takes a deep breath and crosses the street towards the coffee shop and he doesn’t twist his ankle or get run over by a car, so it’s all good. You got this.

Once he gets to the building he opens the door and holds it for an old lady on her way out who smiles at him, and as he enters he spots Kurt sitting at a table next to the wall, directly looking at him.

Oh, fuck. He saw you do something nice. 

But that’s good, right?

Another deep breath. He doesn’t want you to know this, but he’s nervous to the point he feels like he’s going to shit his pants. And considering the day he’s had, it wouldn’t surprise him. What if he shits his pants in front of Kurt? That would literally kill him. Deep breath. Oh, shit. His body doesn’t let him take another deep breath, so he tries to swallow but air is also not going down his throat. His chest is starting to feel tight and there’s drops of sweat on his hairline. Is he about to have a panic attack? Hopefully not because that would probably increase his chances of shitting his pants. Not to mention that having a panic attack in front of Kurt would also be very bad. Disastrous, in fact.

Seems like he’s in a situation with no best case scenario.

Sebastian is so busy worrying about everything that could go wrong and looking at Kurt that he doesn’t notice the woman walking away from the counter carrying four cups of hot chocolate.

I bet you know what happens next. But I’ll tell you anyway.

He runs straight into her and hot chocolate spills everywhere. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal if the hot—and I mean hot— liquid didn’t hit Sebastian’s face. It feels like his skin is peeling off and it itches so fucking much he wants to scream out of pain and desperation, but all he manages to do is groan as he takes a step back… And he slips on the chocolate. So all of the sudden he’s on the floor, sitting on a puddle of chocolate in front of all the customers of his go-to coffee shop.

And Kurt.

C’mon, God or universe or both. This is too much.

A few employees show up immediately, one checks on the woman who says it’s okay and they offer her a coupon in addition to the drinks she just lost. Two ask him how he’s doing and explain that they have to clean the floor around him to avoid anyone else from slipping and that they’ll help him up when it’s dry so he doesn’t slip again. And one offers him a hand to help him up as soon as the floor around him is clean.

Sebastian holds onto a table as he gets up with another groan. His breathing is heavy as he straightens his posture, and he’s trying to make himself more or less comfortable while standing when he looks up and there he is. He can’t find his own voice, so Kurt is the one who thanks the employee, then he takes a bunch of napkins from the nearest table and offers them to Sebastian.

However, Sebastian is so overwhelmed by everything he doesn’t understand why he’s giving him napkins and doesn’t take them, so, in the craziest turn of events, Kurt ends up sighing as he wipes Sebastian’s face. He flinches because of the pain, but it goes away almost immediately as he tries to understand what the fuck is going on. He’s so light-headed and confused he forgets that his face is covered in hot chocolate until a drop of it falls into his mouth, then it all comes back to him.

Kurt doesn’t say a word. He doesn’t make fun of him. He’s not cruel. He’s kind.

Sebastian has been a piece of shit to him and Kurt still shows him kindness when he needs it.

It doesn’t mean he can’t be bitchy or mean. He can and he is, especially to Sebastian, but the thing about Kurt is that he is so much more than that. And there are so many things beyond what meets the eye; things Sebastian either didn’t see or didn’t want to see but they’re slowly getting harder to ignore. One of those things is that even though Kurt hates his guts, he knows the right time and place to be mean to him, unlike Sebastian, who would’ve totally made fun of him if the roles were reversed.

You’re a piece of shit, you know that, right?

“Thanks,” Sebastian mutters, hoping Kurt doesn’t hear him.

If he does, he doesn’t show it, he just makes visual contact for barely two seconds and says, “You should go wash your face.”

Sebastian nods but doesn’t move because he knows it must look like he shat his pants and he doesn’t want Kurt to see that, but Kurt impatiently nods towards the bathrooms and Sebastian fears he’s about to grab his arm and drag him there if he doesn’t go by himself. He slowly turns around and walks away making sure not to look at anyone because he knows at least one person must be laughing at him. He doesn’t even look back because he’s scared Kurt might be laughing too. 

He locks the bathroom door and holds onto the sink as he looks in the mirror. His face is sunburnt red and there’s still chocolate on his chin and under his ear. He sighs as he opens the faucet and hopes water will relieve the burning and itching, but somehow it makes it worse. He bites his tongue and gently dries his skin with a paper towel. 

Then he looks down and… Jesus Fucking Christ, it does look like he shat his pants and it genuinely almost makes him cry of embarrassment. He tells himself to man up, grabs a bunch of paper towels and wipes his pants as much as he can, then wets some more paper towels and wipes himself again, then he repeats the process until he runs out of paper towels because it’s really not helping.

He wraps his jacket around his waist to cover the lower half of his body before getting out of the bathroom. 

Kurt is still here, now sitting by the table, arms crossed and tapping his foot against the floor. He gets up as Sebastian approaches and he looks slightly uncomfortable. Sebastian thinks that it probably just hit him that he was nice to him and he’s regretting it, which is completely valid.

“Looks like it hurts,” He says. He bites his lower lip and looks around for a second, “Do you want to go talk in my car?”

A bold move.

Wait.

Why does he…?

It takes him a moment to realize that Kurt doesn’t want to be seen with him and Sebastian already drew too much attention to himself. He must admit it’s disappointing, but he still nods and follows him outside. They cross the street and Sebastian is once again both grateful and surprised that he’s not run over by a car. And he’s also scared because that doesn’t mean he’s safe.

He gets into the passenger seat of Kurt’s car and all of the sudden it feels awkward. Kurt is looking out the windshield with a tightened jaw and it looks like he really doesn’t want Sebastian to be here. Sebastian knows that Kurt didn’t ask him to come here just to hang out because why the fuck would Kurt want to hang out with him? So he wonders and wonders and he wants to ask but…

“Why did you say that?” Kurt interrupts his thoughts.

It takes Sebastian by surprise, especially because he literally hasn’t said anything, “What?”

Kurt takes a deep breath and slightly rolls his eyes as he grabs the steering wheel with both hands, and Sebastian can’t help but think about the fact that it’s the exact same thing he did yesterday when he wanted to relax. He hopes Kurt doesn’t have a breakdown like he did.

“Yesterday you asked me how I was so sure he wouldn't cheat again. Why did you say that?”

Oh. It’s really weird how he doesn’t even dare to say his own boyfriend’s name, like it’s cursed or something.

Sebastian shrugs, “I meant that you should be caref–”

“I know what the words mean,” Kurt abruptly interrupts, “I need to know why you said them.”

Sebastian won’t admit it out loud, but he feels as overwhelmed and light-headed as he did inside the coffee shop. He doesn’t know what Kurt means. He doesn’t know why he wants to know at all since it’s so easy to draw the conclusion that he simply wanted to mess with his head, because that’s what he does, right? All Sebastian has ever done is play with Kurt’s head and that’s what has brought them here. Kind of.

He just wants to go back to Dalton, curl up in his bed and fall asleep so he can finally leave this horrible day behind. He shouldn’t have talked to Kurt at all this week, but he couldn’t really help it, could he? It was inevitable at the sleepover and yesterday it was Kurt who sat down with him. He messaged him today. It’s not Sebastian’s fault.

He shrugs, slightly tilting his head to take a better look at Kurt’s face. His eyes are wide open, jaw still tense and he’s clearly forcing a blank expression. He wants to look like he doesn’t care, but he’s failing miserably. He wouldn’t have asked Sebastian to come here if he didn’t care.

“Once a cheater, always a cheater,” Sebastian says, “That’s all I meant, because I’ve dealt with all types of cheaters. Unhappily married middle aged guys who can’t get it up with their wives, openly and proud successful guys who get bored of their boyfriends, college guys with girlfriends who just want to experiment… It never ends there. They get caught at some point, they’re forgiven… Then they do it again. It’s a cycle that you’ll become aware of at some point, so you’ll just pretend that you don’t know that he’s fucking a guy from his class, or his coworker or whoever shows up in his life. You’ll wait at home and kiss him goodnight, then you’ll have breakfast with him the next morning and you’ll look him right in the eye knowing what he’s doing. He’ll probably know that you know and he won’t give a fuck because he knows you’re not gonna dump him, and he knows that even if you do, you’ll take him back eventually.”

Kurt’s eyes slowly fill with tears as Sebastian speaks, but he doesn’t cry. He just stares at Sebastian like he’s expecting him to say it’s a bad joke. And, for the first time, Kurt can’t hide the fact that Sebastian got under his skin. He doesn’t put on a mask, roll his eyes and make a witty remark. Sebastian would be proud of himself if it wasn’t that this is the one time where he didn’t intend to hurt him.

He sees more than he should in Kurt’s face and it feels like he’s invading his privacy, but he knows why Kurt asked him to come here.

He’s not happy. He doesn’t want to be with Blaine. And he expected Sebastian to take back his words and admit that he just wanted to mess with his head so he could convince himself that he made the right choice. Because deep down he knows Sebastian is right. He’s smart enough to be aware of what Sebastian told him, but he was trying to convince himself otherwise and Sebastian is not letting him.

Kurt clears his throat, “It was a mistake and he learned from it.”

“Is that what he told you?” Sebastian asks, and Kurt’s silence answers his question, “It wasn’t a simple mistake, Kurt. Cheating is more than just a lack of judgement and the fact that you love the guy who cheated on you doesn’t change that. It actually makes it worse.”

Kurt’s eyes now fill with contempt. No, not contempt. Resentment. He still blames Sebastian for everything, and he probably always will.

“Why are you doing this, Sebastian?”

“I’m not doing anything. You asked me to come here, you asked me a question and I’m answering. Isn’t that what you wanted?” Sebastian answers.

For a moment he thinks he had the last word, especially since Kurt turns to the window again. Silence is deep and painful and there comes the last word Sebastian will never have, “What I wanted? You wanted me to talk to you.”

Sebastian can’t find an answer to that, so he quietly looks at the dark grey sky through the windshield waiting for Kurt to kick him out of his car. He needs that. He needs the rejection. He doesn’t even know why.

It’s the one thing Sebastian wants and Kurt doesn’t give it to him.

“You smell like burnt toast, by the way,” He says with a lighter tone.

Kind of a worrying observation considering Sebastian literally caused a fire in the morning. He supposes he burnt his hair without realizing, which is also worrying because of how short it is right now. Awesome.

It feels good to hear that tone, though. So good he has to fight a smile, “I’m just that hot, princess.”

“You wish. My guess is that you’re just slowly descending to hell, or maybe you are the spawn of the devil after all. I’d love to be right about that,” He says, “Santana and I made a bet.”

He’s not wrong and today proves it.

“What’s the bet?”

Kurt tilts his head to look at him, “I say you’re the spawn of the devil and she says you’re evil for fun.”

“Why can’t it be both?” Sebastian says with a smile.

There it is; what Sebastian has been hoping for, that way everything feels so natural when he’s talking to Kurt even if it’s playfully hostile. In a bizarre way it makes him realize that he was wrong and whatever this is and however it works is in its own way a type of human connection. He said that Kurt didn’t know him, but he does. Even if he doesn’t, he does.

And, as much as it hurts to admit, Finn was right. They don’t understand each other; or, to be more exact, they don’t want to.

It’s too late to hide his smile now. He feels stupid for it until Kurt smiles back.

He looks so pretty when he smiles.

Jesus, fuck. Not now.

“It’s nice to see you finally stopped trying to look like a douchey frat boy they only let into the house so they could have a member to give them blowjobs for free while they play beer pong.”

Sebastian is glad he didn’t put on a collared shirt and chose to wear a regular t-shirt with a sweater today because he’s quite pleased with this outcome. Is it weird that sometimes he feels flattered to be worthy of this treatment? Maybe he should go to therapy sooner than he thought.

“And it’s nice to see you finally found the men’s section at the clothing store,” Sebastian replies, “You still look very, very gay but at least you don’t look like a clown who just got out of a pride month celebration at a circus.”

Kurt stays quiet for a moment, biting the inside of his cheek as he watches Sebastian, “You know what? I’ll actually let you win today because I feel really bad for you.”

That’s not what Sebastian would ever expect from Kurt of all people. He knows it’s not because he left him speechless because even he has to admit he just said the lamest insult that he’s pretty sure he has used before and he highly doubts Kurt would forget about it.

Well, Sebastian hopes so; because he remembers everything Kurt has ever said to him.

“That’s so unlike you. Since when does Kurt Hummel drop out of a competition?”

“If you saw how pathetic you look right now even you’d feel sorry for yourself,” Kurt says, “You smell like a used match and look simultaneously constipated and like you just had explosive diarrhea. And no, that jacket doesn’t cover it. It’s still visible down your legs.”

He doesn’t show any emotion so Sebastian doesn’t know how genuine this sympathy is, so he just plays along.

“You’re being such an angel to me today. Don’t be too nice or you'll lose your spot in hell, which would be a shame. I was looking forward to being your neighbor.”

Kurt chuckles, “Maybe I just want you out of my car.”

“That explains it. Why didn’t you just say so?”

“Because you won’t do what I say. So I won’t kick you out,” Kurt crosses his arms right as his phone buzzes in his pocket. He takes it out and his face drops, “Fuck.”

It’s so weird to hear him curse.

It’s also kinda hot.

Sebastian closes his eyes for a second like that will make the thoughts go away, and, when he opens them, he asks, “What happened?”

Kurt sighs, “I had somewhere to be but Blaine says he’s on his way here, so I guess I’ll have to kick you out and cancel my plans.”

Oh.

Wait.

Oh my God.

Kurt sounds disappointed. He’s slightly frowning as he looks at his phone again, like he expects the message to delete itself. He rolls his eyes and puts it away.

As if this situation wasn’t bizarre enough already, Sebastian is sitting next to Kurt in his car right now and Kurt sounds disappointed that Sebastian will have to leave because his boyfriend is coming. More proof of how boring Blaine is. I mean, he’s so boring his boyfriend would rather spend time with a guy he hates than with him. He wishes he could rub it in his face the next time he sees him but he’ll have to wait until all of this is done.

This shouldn’t feel as good as it does and you know that. Stop pretending you think this is normal.

You shouldn’t want to stay.

He still needs the rejection; but it’s a tricky thing right now, isn’t it? Because even if Kurt literally tells him to get the fuck out of his car, Sebastian still knows that he’s only doing it because Blaine texted him. He’s going to leave, get in his own car and drive all the way back to Dalton, he’s going to go to bed and fall asleep wondering what would’ve happened if it wasn’t for that text. Sebastian doesn’t even know what he expects. Of course, he doesn’t want what he’s usually interested in with other guys, but this has been the only good part of his day and it makes him sad that it’s ending so soon.

Yeah. He doesn’t want you to know that. He actually wishes he hadn’t figured out himself.

He takes a deep breath and tries to come up with something to say.

“I can’t say I won’t happily get out of here. It stinks like flowers and the ashes of dead fairies and I fear if I stay here for one more second I’ll get lung cancer from inhaling it. Not to mention I have to go take these pants off.”

Kurt looks at him with the shadow of a smile and Sebastian fears maybe he knows. Or maybe he’s just judging him in his head because his insult sucks.

“Hm. It’s tragic to see such a nice pair of pants in that state… There goes all the good taste you had in you. Now you’ll have no option but to go back to the slutty frat boy costume that’s the gay man equivalent of those cheap oversexualized nurse costumes they sell for halloween,” Kurt looks out the window as he fakes a sigh, then turns to look at Sebastian with a mean smile on his face, “But don’t worry, I’ll make sure people in the future talk about the day Sebastian Smythe chose to dress decently and ended up on the floor of the Lima Bean covered in hot chocolate, maybe I’ll even tell them that you actually shat yourself.”

“Oh, you won’t do that,” Sebastian replies with a smirk, “Because it’s also the day you invited me to your car and I’ll tell everyone that we fucked in the backseat.”

Kurt looks away but not fast enough for Sebastian not to notice the blush spreading all over his usually very pale skin, “Nobody will believe you because they know I have standards.”

“You’re dating Blaine Anderson so I’d say your standards are very low.”

“Unlike the number of STDs you’ve been diagnosed with,” Kurt says, and his phone buzzes again right after he finishes that sentence. Sebastian could swear he rolls his eyes as he reads the message, “Okay, he wants me to order for us.”

They share a silent look. Kurt doesn’t tell him to leave, but it’s very much implied.

No rejection.

Sebastian nods before he puts his hand on the door handle. Instead of opening the door right away, he looks at Kurt and says, “I don’t know how you do it.”

“Do what?” Kurt sounds genuinely confused, or maybe he’s just an insanely good actor.

“You know what.”

Sebastian opens the door, jumps out of the car and slams it shut, not bothering to try and hide that he’s pissed off at the possibility of Kurt actually not knowing what’s wrong with the entire situation, with the way he’s the one involving him in his relationship problems this time. Because Kurt asked him to give him the answers he doesn’t want to give himself, and even though he’d rather spend time with Sebastian than with his own fucking boyfriend, he’ll keep pretending to not have the answers because he’s too much of a coward to admit that this isn’t how things are supposed to work.

He blindfolded himself and asked Sebastian to remove the blindfold just so he could put it back on.

Sebastian wishes he hated Kurt like he used to.

He hears Kurt running back to the coffee shop but he doesn’t look back.

A car stops behind Kurt’s right as Sebastian is getting into his own, and he looks in that direction as he slowly gets inside. Blaine gets out of his car with a flower bouquet in his right hand and a big, stupid smile on his face. That’s one of the reasons why Kurt took him back, isn’t it? Finding guys who bring you flowers must be rare these days. But the thing about guys who bring you flowers is that they’re usually the ones who fuck up the most.

Sebastian would never admit this to anyone and he’ll try his best to get the thought out of his head as quickly as it appears, but his mind immediately tells him that he wouldn’t know how to be a boyfriend even if he tried. Not even if he tried to fake it like he has faked so many things in his life; because it’s easy to fake the bad things, but faking the good ones is very difficult.

For the first time in his life, it makes him feel like shit.

Chapter Text

In Sebastian’s defense, it was just supposed to be Blaine.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

If you want to understand—and I mean really understand—the recipe used for this luxurious meal of disaster, we must start from the beginning; which would be the moment Sebastian gets in his car after his emotionally draining meeting with Kurt.

Let’s picture him sitting in the darkness of his car with both hands around the steering wheel, eyes looking at the coffee shop, Blaine pushing the door with one foot and meeting Kurt at the line. There’s a cheek kiss and Kurt pretends to be surprised as he takes the bouquet Blaine offers him. It looks rehearsed and fake on Kurt’s part, and it makes Sebastian’s blood fucking boil.

Kurt clearly knows how it goes. He knows what Blaine is going to do to seem like the perfect boyfriend to make him forget about all the bad shit he did. Flowers, dates, gifts and all that romantic comedy bullshit; Kurt will enjoy it, of course, and Blaine will think he’s succeeding because he doesn’t know that Kurt knows. And all of this is what pisses Sebastian off the most about today; because Kurt made him come here to ask him for an answer he already had only to ignore him completely. The cherry on top of the worst fucking day of his life.

He drives all the way back to Dalton in absolute silence. When he passes the area where the accident happened, the only sign of it is the broken glass scattered across the road and a black stain where the car exploded. It’s a perfect representation of how he feels inside, if you think about it; and yes, it’s a really morbid thought but let’s give the poor boy a break.

Once he gets to Dalton, he stays in his car waiting for the lights to go out because there’s no way he’s going inside looking like this while everyone is awake. He takes his phone out only to find over 30 texts from Finn asking where and how he is, and it feels really fucking weird because since when does Finn Hudson give a fuck about him?

Of course, there’s also a reasonable amount of texts from Nick and Jeff asking him if he’s okay and why he didn’t go to class; followed by one from Nick saying that he talked to Finn and they won’t bother him until he’s ready to talk. Very mature. He wonders what the fuck Finn told him, but he doesn’t really give a fuck as long as it works.

He opens his conversation with Kurt, and, of course, there’s nothing new.

What did you expect? He doesn’t give a fuck about you. He never has. He never will. Honestly, he should want you fucking dead and you know it.

His phone starts buzzing in his hand and Finn’s name shines on the screen. He doesn’t want to pick up, but he must admit that he needs that idiot more than ever, so he just does it before he has more time to think about it.

“Dude, are you okay?” It’s the first thing Finn says, “I’ve been texting you.”

“I saw.”

“So… Are you okay?”

“Shitty day,” Sebastian says.

“Okay,” Finn replies, sounding confused, “You know, I’ve been thinking.”

“Congratulations.”

“‘C’mon, dude. We’re supposed to do this together, or are you backing out now? You gotta tell me because we only have like a day and a half left.”

Sebastian sighs as he presses the bridge of his nose, “No, yeah, sorry. I’m still in, I just need to sleep. I’ll call you in the morning.”

“Right,” Finn says. A pause, then, “Sleep well.”

“Thanks.”

Sebastian hangs up before Finn says anything else, because he really fears he’ll get emotional and start singing to him like those New Directions people always do, and there’s no point in saying anything else anyways; especially considering he just had a decade’s worth of emotions. Not to mention that those emotions were caused by Kurt, which is more than just weird, it’s embarrassing.

Now he’s questioning once again why he’s doing all of this, because Kurt is so fucking stubborn he won’t accept the truth even though it’s right in front of him, looking him in right the eye; which will undo anything Sebastian does.

Does it even matter that much? You tried. You really fucking tried and if he wants to ruin his own life, let him. It’s none of your business anyways. It never was.

You keep running in circles, making up bullshit reasons for what you’re doing but none of this has anything to do with logic and you know that. It’s not about closure, it’s not about owing something to him, it’s not about guilt, it’s not even about wanting to get something back. So why the fuck do you keep trying?

The answer is inside him and he knows it.

But he doesn’t really want to find it.

All he’s aware of is that they’re not friends and they’re not even enemies anymore, but he feels a strange way of connection that can’t keep him away, at least not for long. He truly meant everything about Kurt being unique and that there’s no way there could ever be someone like him, and now he realizes that he sees him in a way nobody else will ever see him just like Kurt sees him in a way nobody else will ever see him.

Why? He has no idea.

There’s still no point. He probably doesn’t even feel that and you’re making shit up in your head again. That’s all you do lately.

Man up and let go, remember?

He gets out of the car and from that moment everything he does feels like there’s someone holding a remote, pressing buttons to make him move. He can barely feel his limbs as he quietly makes his way into the building and goes to his room to get clean clothes. He wraps a towel around his waist and walks to the showers, washes himself and returns to his room. Then he locks the door and gets in bed, hiding under the covers. It’s warm, soft and comfortable, yet he still feels this awful day all over his body like a layer of dirt.

He’s about to fall asleep when he realizes.

It worked.

It fucking worked.

He went through so much he didn’t even realize that the dressing rooms at Carmel completely burned, which means the costumes burned as well. He improvised and it was a mess, but it still worked. He fucking did it.

He’s about to text Finn about it when sleep beats him.

His phone ringing wakes him up and it’s already sunny and bright outside. Before even checking who’s calling him, he looks at the time, and it’s fucking 9 a.m., so he slept in. And the number calling him is unknown. He’s in the mood to get things over with as soon as he can, so he picks up and the first thing he hears is people talking in the background.

“Mr. Smythe?” A male voice speaks, and Sebastian hums in response, “Good morning, it’s Captain Johnson. I’m calling to inform you that we looked at the security footage and you didn’t play any role in the accident, you were just unlucky enough to be there when it happened.”

“I know,” Sebastian says, not bothering to hide his annoyance.

“I’m just telling you for your peace of mind,” Captain Johnson continues, “And, just so you know, the young woman who was driving the car fell asleep at the wheel and woke up when the car started moving erratically. Thank god she managed to open the door and throw herself out before it crashed. She’s in the hospital now, more because of the emotional trauma than any physical harm.”

“Okay,” Sebastian replies, “Are we done?”

“Oh… Yes, we are done. Have a good day.”

Sebastian hangs up and throws his phone to the side before putting the sheet over his head. He has more important things to worry about than the wellbeing of the stupid bitch who could’ve killed him. First of all, about the fact that he missed his first class and he doesn’t even want to get up for the second. And second of all, about his phone ringing again. He rolls his eyes when he sees it’s Blaine, and takes a moment to prepare himself to not tell him to fuck off before picking up.

“What do you want?” He says. It’s not ‘fuck off’ but it certainly sounds like it.

“Oh, thank god you picked up,” Blaine says. He sounds agitated, “I have a problem with the food. I need this very specific brand of soy sauce they only sell in Columbus and Sam was supposed to get it but something came up, so he can’t go anymore and nobody else is available to go buy it.”

Sebastian presses the bridge of his nose between his fingers, “What makes you think I’m available?”

“You have to be,” Blaine answers, “You only went to rehearsals once, so you owe me.”

“I don’t owe you shit,” Sebastian says as he sits up, and a stab of pain on his back forces him to lie down again.

“I’ll do anything you want,” Blaine says, “Seriously, anything.”

What about not proposing?

“I’ll drop out.”

“What?”

“I mean, I’ll be there, but I won’t perform.”

A sigh is heard on the other side of the line, “I don’t think you understand how important it is that you perform.”

“What part of ‘I don’t owe you shit’ didn’t you get?”

“He has to see you, Sebastian. You have to be at the front.”

“Why?” Sebastian asks. He tries getting up again and he manages to hold his weight on an elbow, “Wait, does this have anything to do with the whole… Last year thing?”

He knows the answer, but he wants to hear Blaine say it. He’d be lying if he said that he’s surprised about Blaine trying to use him as a fucking prop to prove his worth in front of Kurt like he deserves a round of applause for not cheating with Sebastian. Another point to add to the list of reasons to hate Blaine Anderson, if there’s any space left, that is. He’ll probably need more paper.

“Yes! Of course it does!” Blaine shouts. Yes, he shouts, “You’re going to show him that we have no interest in each other and fix all the damage you did.”

Sebastian scoffs, “All the damage I did?” He shouts back, “Don’t try to fucking blame me for you being a terrible boyfriend. You’re not nearly as innocent as you try so hard to appear; you’re a fucking cheater and a liar, and he deserves so much better than you!”

Oh, fuck.

“What did you say?” Blaine asks, but he doesn’t give Sebastian time to answer, “What do you know about what Kurt deserves? In case you haven’t noticed, you’re the only person against this. Everyone who loves Kurt, even his dad, approves of the proposal, but you, the worst person in the world who has done nothing but hurt him, are against it. What do you think that means?”

If they were face to face Sebastian would’ve already punched him. And Blaine would’ve punched him back and most likely a lot harder but that’s not the point.

“Does his dad know you cheated?” He asks, and there’s silence on the other side of the line, “You’re the one who has done nothing but hurt him. He deserves someone who actually loves him.”

“So now you think you know something about love?” Blaine says, “You’re incapable of loving anyone; you’re so miserable you don’t even love yourself and you dedicate your life to making other people miserable because hate is the only thing you’ve ever experienced in your life, and this is another attempt to ruin other people’s happiness.”

Sebastian has a hard time finding the words, because getting under Blaine’s skin is different than doing it with Kurt. He understands Kurt in a way he doesn’t understand Blaine.

“You know what? Maybe I do want to ruin your happiness,” He says, “You don’t deserve it, especially not if your happiness fucking ruins Kurt’s life. So I’m not fucking performing.”

There’s a deafening moment of silence before Blaine speaks again, “I don’t care what you think. You said you’d help and you’ll keep your word,” He says, a bit hesitant as he’s clearly trying his best to sound nice because he needs Sebastian, “I’ll text you what you have to buy.”

Sebastian stops to think about it for a second, coming to terms with the fact that Blaine is asking for something he needs; which means he’s giving him an opportunity to ruin his plans. Or at least he’d make him serve potato chips as snacks instead of the fancy shit he wants to impress the guy he already considers his fiancé. Well, he’ll decide what to do later, because right now it’s not easy to think about pros and cons and especially about how he has to be there even if it is to hear Kurt say yes.

“Okay,” He says, and he’s about to hang up when he remembers; and this time he’s the one trying to sound nice, “Hey, how are preparations going?”

Blaine sighs, “Did you hear about the fire at Carmel?”

Oh, shit. Here it comes.

“Yeah, I think I heard some of the guys talk about it.”

“Right. It started at the dressing rooms,” Blaine says, “We’re lucky the costumes weren’t there, so only their old competition costumes burned.”

WHAT THE FUCK?

“Wow,” Sebastian tries to sound as calm as he can, “Do they know how the fire started?”

“They suspect it was a cleaning chemical they used to clean the stage. It’s flammable and all it takes is for a lightbulb to short-circuit for it to blow up.”

“Hmm. That’s fucked up. Uh, you know, I have to get ready for class.”

“Okay. I’ll text you.”

Sebastian hangs up and throws his phone at the foot of his bed.

At least you’re not a suspect.

For now.

His phone starts buzzing with what he supposes must be Blaine’s texts. He starts thinking as he gets out of bed, blurry thoughts stumbling around and hitting the walls of his brain; back and forth, side to side, always coming back to what Blaine is asking him to buy. He could not buy the food, or he could do something to the food like put bugs in it, which would be mostly harmless but would cause panic. He has to do it because it’s too late to give up.

So it looks like Sebastian Smythe is skipping class again. But there’s no way he’ll do it alone this time.

He’s in the shower when the pain from yesterday slowly begins to hit him. His limbs feel heavy, every single one of his muscles appears to be sore, and the same stab of pain he felt when he was trying to sit on his bed earlier almost makes him fall. He turns to the side and presses his back against the shower wall, taking deep breaths as the cold tiles slightly relieve his pain. He keeps washing himself like that and by the time he steps out of the shower the pain is tolerable.

He gets dressed with street clothes for the second day in a row and silently exits his room hoping to remain unseen while the boys are still in class, and he’s about to reach the stairs when he sees Nick coming up. He has no time to go back to his room or any place to hide, so he stands there until they inevitably end up face to face.

Neither of them says anything for a minute, then Nick is the first to speak.

“Are you okay?” He asks, then he looks Sebastian up and down, “Where are you going?”

“It’s none of your business,” Sebastian replies.

Nick scoffs, “Of course it’s my business. You’re my friend and it hasn’t been easy watching you slowly lose your mind this week over something that’s actually not supposed to be any of your business; but you’re making it your business, and I know you have your reasons so I won’t stand in your way but you should at least talk to me about it.”

Sebastian looks at him for a second because all of the sudden he’s making it weird, “Since when do we talk?”

“Since never,” Nick shrugs, “But shouldn’t we start now?”

“Why?”

“Because you’re losing your mind!” Nick replies, then he leans in to speak lower, “I know you have your reasons but I don’t think you know what they are and that’s a little worrying… Besides everything else, you know.”

Sebastian crosses his arms as he moves back to take a better look at him, “What are my reasons according to Mr. Nick Duval, expert in psychology?”

“Not the ones you think.”

“What do I think?”

“You think you owe Kurt something,” Nick says, “You feel guilty and you think you need to save Kurt from Blaine’s claws so you can move on or some bullshit. You’re probably also weirdly fixated on whatever you and Kurt had going on last year because you realized at some point that deep down Blaine wasn’t the one who truly interested you.”

That’s probably the weirdest shit Sebastian has ever heard because it pretty much summarizes everything that has been going through his head these past few days, except they’re not some ideas Sebastian made up in his head, it’s the truth.

“So what do you think are my actual reasons?” He asks, but this time he’s genuinely curious.

Nick opens his mouth, then closes it and shrugs, “You know what? Nevermind, don’t listen to me.”

“What. Do. You. Think. Are. My. Actual. Reasons,” Sebastian repeats, emphasizing each word, “Tell me.”

He doesn’t give a fuck that he told Finn he’d pick him up right now because, though he doesn’t want to admit it, he’d really like it if someone who more or less knows him gave him an answer. Finn doesn’t count. He hated his ass until this week.

Nick takes a deep breath, “Look, I know you won’t like what I’m gonna say. But you’re asking so I’ll say it.”

“Yeah, say it.”

“I think you’re right,” Nick says, and it’s quite disappointing because why the fuck would Sebastian be mad because he’s right? Oh, wait. He’s not done, “I mean, you were right to realize that you weren’t as interested in Blaine as you were in Kurt, but it’s not because talking to Kurt was fun or whatever you think. It’s because…”

He trails off and stops to look at Sebastian, “It’s because what?”

Sebastian really wishes he didn’t know where this is going because that means it makes sense even though it shouldn’t because it’s fucked up. He tries to push the thought away just like he’s been pushing thoughts away all week but it’s getting really fucking hard to do it as days go by. And last night…

Why is he so affected by last night?

“It’s because you see Kurt in a way that scares you,” Nick says, “And I understand why it scares you, so I don’t want to force you to admit it but… That’s what I think.”

Oh, God.

Sebastian’s stomach turns so abruptly he thinks he’s going to throw up, but it lasts only a moment before it settles down, though he still feels a little queasy. There’s an itch behind his eyes and he fucking hates it. He tries to focus on the pain on his body so it can overcome everything else, and it surprisingly works, at least temporarily.

“Okay,” He says, but it sounds like a sigh. Fuck, he’s feeling dizzy. Why are you dizzy? “Uh, why would I be scared of how I see Kurt? I just see him as…”

“You see him as what?” Nick carefully asks, “You know, it’s okay. I told you I won’t force you to admit it.”

Sebastian covers his face with both hands for a moment, pressing his fingertips against his eyelids until he sees dots of colors that haven’t even been invented. When he opens his eyes, Nick is watching him like he’s expecting a fist to his face.

“I see him as a guy I don’t want to fuck, that’s it,” He says, “And you won’t make me admit what, exactly?”

“Oh, you’re definitely not ready,” Nick replies.

He forces a smile before walking past Sebastian, who watches Nick walk all the way to his room, stunned by what just happened because what the fuck was that?

Admit… What? Admit what?

Why the fuck is he like that? He talks in riddles then complains that we don’t talk.

That’s why having friends sucks. That’s why people suck. That’s why I can’t be close to anyone.

Sebastian closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before he keeps walking. He still feels dizzy as he walks downstairs and fears he’ll fall, so he keeps his hand firm around the handrail and makes sure to keep his steps soft and slow until he reaches the second floor, and pauses for a couple of minutes before walking the rest of the way towards the first floor. It makes him feel like an old man.

There’s people walking in the hall and two teachers talking near the door, so he’s forced to go through the kitchen, where all the cooks say hi to him, and one of them mentions that he looks pale and offers him a sandwich that Sebastian gladly accepts. He unwraps it as he walks out of the building and eats it on the way towards his car.

As it turns out, he was just dizzy because he was hungry.

It had absolutely nothing to do with all the nonsense Nick was talking about.

He turns on the radio and tries not to think on his way to Finn’s house, but as he approaches the neighborhood all he wants is to turn back and go anywhere that’s not here. What he needs is a place where he doesn’t have to talk to people or think or feel anything because feelings don’t matter. In fact, feelings shouldn’t matter anywhere. They’re all made up, based on ideas that don’t exist unless you give them power. He can’t give this power. He doesn’t even know what this is, all he knows is he gave it enough power this week to wake it up and he must knock it out so it goes back to sleep.

Man up and move on. All I have to do is that. I can’t think about anything else.

I’m deep in this shit and the only way out is through.

He pulls over in front of the Hudson-Hummel’s house a little past 1 p.m. and tries not to look at the house as he texts Finn to tell him he’s there. Finn replies to the message with a smiley face and a thumbs up, and Sebastian knows it will take him a while, so he makes himself comfortable and his eyes inevitably wander in that direction, and now he can’t look away. The house is not too big nor too small, nothing special among every middle class house in Ohio. It has a nice garden which must be Finn’s mom’s work. Is this even middle class? Social classes are blurry in his head. All he knows is what he grew up with.

But whatever social class this is, the house it’s still nothing special.

Except that Kurt used to live there.

Kurt has a bedroom in that house that probably remained untouched after he left for New York. Of course, that must’ve changed when he arrived last week. He most likely had breakfast in that kitchen this morning, talked to his dad, to Finn, to Finn’s mom. He probably helped Finn’s mom with the garden, because last year Blaine mentioned that Kurt helped his dad at his shop which means he’s not as scared of getting his hands dirty as it appears. Maybe he’s been doing it these past few days. Or maybe Sebastian is wrong about everything because he doesn’t know shit about Kurt.

But one thing he knows is that there must be a million prints he’s left behind over the years that will never be erased no matter how much time passes, because Kurt is not the kind of guy who’s forgotten, not even by a physical space such as a house.

Sebastian is startled by a noise, turns his head in that direction and finds an impatient looking Finn knocking on the window of the passenger’s side. He quickly unlocks the door and blinks away the itchiness behind his eyelids.

“What’s up with you today, dude?” Finn asks, he sounds a little grumpy, “You were supposed to be here like two hours ago.”

“Yeah, sorry,” Sebastian says as Finn gets in the car.

He waits until Finn buckles his seatbelt and tries his best not to look at the house again as he drives away from the sidewalk, because thinking about it is making him feel sick. He’s been feeling sick a lot lately. His eyes try to betray him but he’s strong and manages to hit the road without looking back.

“Blaine called me this morning,” Finn says at some point, “He told me about tomorrow, said that he was sorry to tell me so last minute but it was supposed to be a surprise and all that bullshit,” He pauses, then Sebastian feels his eyes on him, “We need to make it work, man. I’ll set fire to that school if I have to.”

Sebastian chokes on his own spit and he hears Finn ask him if he’s okay, but he’s coughing so much he has to pull over for a moment.

“Fuck,” He says, his throat itchy, “Hey, can you get me the bottle of water that’s under your seat?”

It takes Finn a second to process the request, then he reaches under the seat and quickly grabs the bottle. He’s even nice enough to open it before giving it to Sebastian.

“What was that?” Finn asks as Sebastian drinks. Of course, Sebastian can’t answer; and, of course, that gives Finn a moment to think, “Holy shit. Was it you?”

Sebastian almost chokes again, but he manages to swallow the water, “What was me?”

“Carmel.”

“What about Carmel?”

“There’s no way you didn’t hear about the fire, it was all over the news and people wouldn’t stop talking about it,” Finn says. But Sebastian doesn’t know shit about that because he didn’t have any human contact after his conversation with Kurt last night, “Did you set that dressing room on fire?”

They share a look that ends with Sebastian sighing.

“I was desperate, okay?”

He takes the bottle back to his lips and fills his mouth with water to make sure it takes him a while to swallow and therefore he can avoid Finn’s questions for at least a few seconds.

Finn watches him for a moment longer than Sebastian is comfortable with, then he says, “You’re really committed to this stuff. Like, way more than I thought.”

Sebastian swallows too much water at once and it makes his throat hurt. A lot.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Finn shrugs, “I mean, I thought you cared enough but it seems like you care a lot more than that.”

“Again, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Sebastian asks.

Why the fuck is everyone being so weird today?

What happened to people speaking normally?

The universe attacked me enough yesterday to have people attacking me today. Like, seriously. What the fuck.

“It means what it means, man. What else do you want me to tell you?” Finn replies.

Sebastian scoffs, “No, no, no. I need to know what you mean. I won’t get back on the road until you tell me.”

Now I’m sounding like Kurt did yesterday. Why the fuck do I sound like Kurt?

Finn looks at the road behind Sebastian, “You asked for my help… So I can just get out of the car and get an Uber or something; then you’d have to go to Columbus alone.”

“We’re talking about your brother, Finn. It’s your responsibility to cooperate,” Sebastian reminds him, “I can’t be the only one working here. I literally committed arson. That's a crime; I’m a criminal now.”

“You were already a criminal,” Finn points out, “And you’re not even working right now, you’re just doing what Blaine told you to, which is, like, the opposite of what you should be doing.”

Sebastian shakes his head, “Of course your tiny monkey brain doesn’t understand.”

“At least I use my brain,” Finn mutters under his breath.

“What was that?”

“I said that at least I use my brain.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Finn stares at Sebastian for a moment like he can’t believe what he’s looking at and Sebastian wonders if something happened to his face all of the sudden, then he remembers that he has a cut on his forehead, though that was not noticeable at all this morning. He’s about to turn the rearview mirror in his direction to look at himself when Finn replies.

“I think the reason why you keep failing and doing stupid shit is because you’re in denial of, like… Your actual reasons,” He says, then sighs, “I can’t even tell you what I really think because the last time I did that you got really mad and there’s only a day left so we can’t afford to be mad at each other.”

Sebastian’s face feels warm, then his neck and the back of his head. He knows what he’s thinking and he can’t help but wonder what the fuck is wrong with everyone he’s talked to face to face today. Which is only two people, but still.

“I don’t wanna fuck your brother, Finn,” He says, a little too aggressive.

Finn scrunches his nose, “Man, c’mon. Don’t talk to me about that with my brother.”

“You brought it up.”

“No, I didn’t say that,” Finn says, “You’re just putting words in my mouth now. I don’t think you want… That.”

Sebastian’s forehead is sweaty now and he really hopes it’s not that visible because it’s fucking embarrassing. He shouldn’t let this get to him like this. He shouldn’t let Kurt or Nick or Finn mess with his head. That’s not how it’s supposed to work. Sebastian is supposed to have control, not them. They can’t keep acting like they know shit Sebastian doesn’t. Except Kurt, of course, who’s whole thing is denial because he’s the stupidest smart person he’s ever met.

“What do you think, then?”

“I think you want more than that,” Finn replies and it’s like he’s been waiting forever to say it. That’s a thing he does, isn’t it? He waits for questions to be asked in order to give the answers, maybe to feel less stupid, “You’re one of those guys, right? The ones who keep saying that they don’t fall in love but then they do and they don’t accept it so they end up miserable and pathetic like you.”

That feels like a punch in the throat. He can’t find his voice for a second, but when he does it comes out way too loud and way too angry.

“Excuse me?” He doesn’t even know what bothers him the most, “Say that again.”

Finn shrugs, “You heard me.”

“Get the fuck out of my car.”

“I knew you’d do that,” Finn says with a winning grin as he opens the door and gets out without protesting. He leans in to look at Sebastian, “You know, it turns out we’re not the only ones who don’t want this to happen. Sam tried to talk him out of it but Blaine didn’t listen to him so he decided to be supportive. So that thing that came up? It’s bullshit. But now you’re the one who’s giving Blaine what he wants,” He pauses for what Sebastian guesses is a dramatic effect, “You keep calling me stupid but you’re the most stupid person I’ve ever met. And you think Kurt is in denial? Look in the fucking mirror, man.”

And he slams the door shut.

It’s okay. Sebastian doesn’t need him anyway. He’s actually better off without him.

But what the fuck? Has he been doing shit behind Sebastian’s back this whole time? That’s not cool; it’s fucking treason. Son of a bitch.

Okay, I’m being a hypocrite, I admit it. I literally did a bunch of things by myself yesterday and I can’t fucking believe what Finn is doing on his own is working better than what I’m doing. Like what the fuck are we talking about? What is happening to the world?

What is happening to me?

And what the fuck did Finn mean by ‘you want more than that’?

What the fuck did he mean by… Everything else?

No, I don’t have time for those stupid questions. I have to get back on the fucking road and go get that stupid shit because it’s my last hope. If Finn wants to be stupid on his own it’s his fucking problem.

But still, this is fucking insane.

He hits the road once again and turns on the radio. He’s learned to find peace on the radio these past few days; but this time he doesn’t stick to the Top 40 and changes it to a station where they only play rock music. He needs a shot of adrenaline one can only get from loud electric guitars, a hypnotic bassline and some drums. Not to mention some guy who can’t sing for shit screaming into the microphone. He taps on the steering wheel as he speeds up and tells himself not to think.

Well, it actually goes more like this:

Don’t think, don’t think, don’t think, don’t think, don’t think, don’t think, don’t think, don’t think, don’t think, don’t think, don’t think, don’t think (...) don’t think, don’t think, don’t think, don’t think, don’t think…

And it goes on and on all the way to Columbus.

He looks for the supermarket Blaine mentioned in his messages, some obscure chain that’s obviously not in a shithole like Lima… Or way classier places such as Westerville. It’s the kind of thing that is simply in the middle of everything. He finds it downtown, a giant building next to an Ikea. The music is still blasting as he enters the parking lot and it doesn’t stop until he parks and turns the engine off.

Then there’s silence.

And he can’t pretend anymore.

He holds onto the steering wheel just like he did the other day, his grip becoming stronger by the second until his knuckles are white and his hands shaky. He closes his eyes and takes a few shallow breaths because that itchy sensation behind his eyelids is coming back, and he’s so scared that he won’t be able to get rid of it this time.

His fears come true, just like every single other fear he’s ever had has done this week; and all of the sudden he’s in the parking lot of a fancy supermarket that sells organic shit made by family businesses owned by hippies which is an excuse to not pay employees and have their children working as fucking slaves, and he’s sobbing. He puts his head down and presses his forehead against the steering wheel in the exact spot he hit his head yesterday and the shallow scratch he got starts to itch just like everything else itches, and it makes him want to peel his skin off with his fingernails because he’d rather feel pain than this endless discomfort.

He knows he doesn’t have to peel his skin off, though. All he needs is a scratch that might redden his skin for a while but will eventually fade away.

No, he can’t fucking do this. He can’t do this or anything. He wants to disappear and not feel anything ever again because this is killing him.

That’s when he remembers that day at the Lima Bean, when Finn asked that question. He felt like his throat was slashed open with a shard of glass and he couldn’t see who was holding it, but right now a blurry hand becomes clear and as he looks up, he sees a blurry arm and a blurry body and a blurry head with a blurry face that slowly gain edges and details until it’s the clearest image he’s ever seen.

Of course, Kurt is the itch in his brain; the hand that holds the shard of glass; and he’s the reason why he’s doing all of this. You must be thinking that’s a known fact from the beginning, but the thing is that it’s not about closure, it’s not about owing something to him, it’s not about guilt, it’s not even about wanting to get something back. It’s simply about him.

Everything has always been about Kurt after all, that is a known fact. It has been ever since he laid eyes on him for the first time; at first he just looked like some weird pretty boy that pissed him off because of how pretty he was, then he was simply the prettiest boy he had ever seen. Then he was an obstacle he didn’t want to get rid of, the reason why he would never take any more steps than the ones he took. He just wanted to keep it going; not only to piss him off but because he just didn’t want to let him go just like he doesn’t want to let him go now.

Because he was wrong before, he doesn’t know how to flirt. Not when he actually likes a guy. That’s unexplored territory.

Why the fuck am I here?

Where else am I supposed to be?

Kurt won’t listen to me today more than he did yesterday.

He dries his tears with his sleeves before he gets out of the car, he gets a shopping cart and enters the supermarket. He doesn’t waste time looking at useless shit and goes straight to the aisle where the seasonings and dressings are; he looks for the fancy soy sauce and puts three bottles in the cart. Then he gets some other fancy ingredients and, finally, the best part of that goddamn shopping list…

…The alcohol.

Blaine asked Sebastian to buy it because he knows he has a fake ID, and not a shitty one like the ones he gave Kurt and Blaine that one time. He did that to mess with them. Sebastian has a great and insanely expensive one that has never earned him a weird look because it has his picture and a very believable date of birth instead of those shady ones that say a sixteen year old is actually forty.

Anyways. He could also buy one or two or maybe three bottles of the strong stuff. He likes vodka and gin, but whisky is fucking disgusting. Maybe he could get some sweet liquor, but that’s the shit unhappy middle aged moms like to drink and he’s not reached that level of gay. He’d have to spend a lot more time with Kurt to achieve that.

The amount of bottles of vodka and wine Blaine asked for is excessive to say the least, though, so Sebastian can’t take more than one bottle of vodka and some cheap mojito mix for himself, to add some more pity to his pity party. So he’s walking towards the registers to pay for his cart full of alcohol and a few other items and he passes in front of the tiny excuse of a pharmacy built into the supermarket that’s just a counter with a girl who's filing her nails surrounded by shelves full of over the counter medicines and dietary supplements.

He doesn’t really know how he makes the connection, but he looks down at the bottles of alcohol and at the girl behind the counter and he doesn’t think twice before going in that direction. Actually, he doesn’t even think once.

The girl doesn’t even look at him when she says, “What do you want?”

Wow. Rude.

He doesn’t know what to ask for. But somehow he walks away with a couple bottles of a shady laxative made with herbs and other natural ingredients.

Oh, god. Am I really resorting to this? I mean, it’s kinda low, isn’t it? An embarrassing plan to wrap up an embarrassing week. It’s not even a plan, though, just an idea. No, it’s not even an idea. It’s an abstract concept.

After paying he takes his cart all the way to his car and carefully puts the bags in the trunk because he’s determined to protect those bottles of alcohol like they’re his children. Then he gets back in his car and makes his way back to Westerville with no tears left to cry because he already cried enough for the next decade. I mean, it was light sobbing for like two minutes, but it’s still way too much for Sebastian.

He turns on the radio again, but this time he listens to the Top 40 hits.

Unfortunately, every single one of those songs reminds him of Kurt, some of them for absolutely no reason.

What’s happening to me?

Genuinely, is there a way to get an answer? A textbook? Tarot? Witchcraft?

Maybe witchcraft could get rid of whatever this is, because I really don’t like it. I want to move on. I need to move on. No, I want to go back in time so I stop myself from meeting Kurt in the first place. I want him out of my head and out of… Everywhere.

Why is he everywhere? Why the fuck do I see him when I close my eyes and why does the voice in my head sound like him sometimes? Why was I so scared of seeing him before the sleepover? Why do I want him to stay here forever now? Why do I wish I stayed in that car with him all night last night without even doing anything, just for the joy of sitting next to him and saying stupid shit to each other? Why? Why? God, why?

That’s when he decides he needs coffee.

He changes his destination from Dalton to the Lima Bean, and as he approaches he feels like he’s finally home.

He’s parking his car when he remembers what happened yesterday. Jesus Fucking Christ, what if there’s people there who were also there yesterday and laugh at him? Because there’s no way anyone has forgotten that mess in twenty-four hours. And, oh my God, what if someone recorded it yesterday and it’s already going around the internet and it soon becomes viral or something equally awful?

No, a video like that going viral would be as awful as it gets.

Whatever. One more humiliation won’t be the end of the world. So he unbuckles his seatbelt and gets out of his car.

What awaits him inside the coffee shop is worse than humiliation.

As soon as he walks inside he feels a pair of blue eyes looking in his direction, and there he is. He’s sitting at his usual table with both hands around his cup and a half finished slice of apple pie in front of him. His eyes are big and bright, like he’s shocked to see him, which makes sense since it takes a lot of courage to show up at a place after embarrassing yourself the way Sebastian did yesterday.

Sebastian can’t help but wonder if there’s something else going on in his head.

He wants to cry again when Kurt’s face meets the image he has of him in his mind. They look the same but they’re also drastically different in both good and bad ways, depending on your perspective. Sebastian is standing in the middle, looking at both sides and it makes him want to fucking die.

He buys his usual order and the employees give him weird looks that he ignores. And as he waits for it to be ready he ponders what to do next. He could leave and drink his coffee in his car, he could sit at the nearest table and ignore Kurt’s presence… Or he could go sit next to him. He wants to choose anything except the third option, but he doesn’t even notice when he has his cup in his hand and is walking in Kurt’s direction. He doesn’t even bother to say hi, he just places his cup on the table and sits down.

Kurt is watching him carefully and it makes Sebastian nervous. Even before the first words are exchanged the air is heavy and tight and Sebastian is not sure if he wants to do something about it, because for the first time since he met Kurt, he doesn’t have anything to say to him. All he truly wants is for Kurt to tell him to go fuck himself so he can be at peace knowing he despises him.

“Bold of you to show up here less than twenty-four hours after the most entertaining show this place has ever seen,” Kurt says after a minute, “That includes the children’s poetry contests and karaoke Saturdays; though the latter is actually quite boring unless Rachel Berry shows up.”

Sebastian chuckles, “I guess I’m in the mood to face my fears.”

Kurt raises an eyebrow, “What are those fears?”

You. 

You’re the biggest fear I’m facing right now.

“Public humiliation.”

“Interesting,” Kurt takes a sip of his coffee, then he pushes the plate of apple pie in his direction, “Want some?”

Sebastian looks at the very delicious looking pie, then up at Kurt.

“Is it poisoned?”

That makes Kurt cackle and a smile grows on Sebastian’s face as he watches him laugh. Kurt takes another sip of his coffee after his laughter has died down, his eyes fixated on Sebastian’s face.

What is he thinking?

“I won’t make you eat it but if you want it, then it’s yours. It’s delicious but I’m full.”

Sebastian looks at the pie again. It doesn’t only look delicious, it also smells like heaven. So he looks at Kurt as he moves the plate closer to him and cuts a piece with his fork. He’s about to take it to his mouth when he realizes.

Oh my god. Is this the fork he used? Was this inside his mouth?

“Do you want me to ask them for another fork?” Kurt asks.

Oh, fuck. Too obvious, “No, this one’s good. Don’t worry about it.”

Another eyebrow raise, “So you’re not immensely grossed out by me like you used to be?”

Sebastian squints at Kurt as he takes the piece of pie into his mouth. He can’t bring himself to answer immediately because holy shit, this is the best thing he’s eaten in a long time. He takes his time savouring it without taking his eyes off Kurt and it feels like he’s winning a silent competition in which the prize is proving Kurt wrong. It doesn’t really matter, though, because the pie is fucking delicious.

“Wow,” He says after swallowing. They share another look and it feels weird in a nice way. Too nice for Sebastian’s taste, so he shrugs, “I’ve put worse things in my mouth. Thank you for the pie, by the way.”

Kurt gives him that smile, the one where he slightly scrunches his nose and makes it look like he’s trying to endure a really bad smell. It used to be annoying but now…

“You’re welcome,” Kurt replies with a cocky yet nice tone. He’s so fucking weird he makes that combination work. There’s a pause, then, “I’m sorry about yesterday.”

What?

Jesus Fucking Christ, if yesterday was the worst day of my life, today is the weirdest.

“Why are you sorry?”

Kurt shrugs, “For having to kick you out of my car so soon. I really didn’t know Blaine was coming here; he’s been weird lately, like today he also invited me here out of nowhere then he left like ten minutes later because, apparently, something came up,” He spits those words like venom, and Sebastian, who knows a lot about venomous words, doesn’t like hearing it in Kurt’s voice.

Yes, Sebastian is aware that Kurt has spat a lot of venom at him but it’s different. He can’t explain why, but it is.

“Why did you get back together with him?” Sebastian asks, though he really didn’t know he was going to.

Kurt stares at him for a moment with a blank expression. Not a fake one, like yesterday, but a real one. He’s trying to read Sebastian like a book except Sebastian feels like some ancient scripture engraved in stone lately.

“I love him,” Is all he says.

“Do you?”

“Why do you care?”

“I don’t,” Sebastian says with a shrug. He doesn’t want to show how much it bothers him, so he adds, “It’s okay, by the way, you don’t have to apologize for yesterday. He’s your boyfriend and I’m your mortal enemy or whatever.”

Kurt raises an eyebrow, “Is that what you are?” He asks, but the only reaction he gets is Sebastian clenching his teeth. When he realizes Sebastian won’t say anything, he nods as he hugs himself, his hands hidden by the long sleeves of a cream colored sweater, “Anyways. It doesn’t matter who you are, it was still rude. And you were being more or less nice for a change.”

“So were you,” Sebastian points out, “What the hell is happening to us?”

Another smile. God, he does look pretty when he smiles.

“I have no idea. But I don’t like it.”

This time it’s Sebastian the one who raises an eyebrow, “May I ask why?”

“Don’t make me say it,” Kurt says, and it might be the lightning, but it looks like a blush is growing on his face.

“Now you have to tell me. I’ll psychologically torture you until you do,” Sebastian replies, “Maybe even physically if you’re not into that, though if you were into that it would make it a lot more fun, don’t you think?”

Oh god, did I just make some kind of weird BDSM joke? This is worse than yesterday.

Kurt rolls his eyes, “Okay, I don’t– I don’t completely hate you. Though what you just said earned you a couple dozens of hate points.”

Sebastian puts his elbows over the table and leans in, “Oh, so you’re keeping score. Why don’t you explain to me how the system works?” He wiggles his eyebrows, earning an annoyed look from Kurt, who takes another sip of his coffee without saying a word, “C’mon, I want to keep score too. All games are better when they’re played by two,” Sebastian puts up two fingers.

What the fuck am I doing?

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kurt asks, his eyes fixated on Sebastian’s fingers.

“It means I’m bored and you’re fun.”

Kurt frowns as he runs a finger around the edge of his cup. Was he doing that before? Sebastian has no idea. But he does know that what he just said sounded too much like a proposition. Jesus. How can someone mess up so many times in like two minutes?

However, Kurt doesn’t say anything along the lines of “I’d rather die than even come near your STD infected pants” or whatever slut-shaming phrase he’d usually say. In fact, he completely ignores what Sebastian said.

Weird.

“Well, I’m sorry to tell you it was a figure of speech,” He says, “It would be really tedious to keep count; considering one day you’re relatively bearable and the next you’re the most annoying person on earth. Today quickly became the latter.”

Sebastian chuckles as he moves back in his chair, “I just like it when you’re a little mad, makes you look cute.”

Oh, shit. What the fuck?

As soon as those words come out of his mouth he can feel his face get warmer; and he wants to run away before he turns completely red. He looks cute as hell, though.

“Did you hit your head against a hard surface?” Kurt asks. It’s weird, but this is the first time Sebastian realizes that Kurt stops speaking like a normal person when he’s nervous. Assuming he’s nervous.

“What?”

“You just called me cute,” Kurt says, and Sebastian is surprised about the fact that he didn’t completely ignore what he said, “Do you have a concussion?” And he also sounds impressively not-exactly-mad.

Yeah, he’s totally making fun of Sebastian. He’s going to hold this against him until one of them drops dead. And if Sebastian is the first to die, he’s going to visit his grave just to laugh at him.

There’s two options: Flirting or turning this into a big joke that’s gonna make him hate me again. But flirting with him could potentially also make him hate me again. Jesus Fucking Christ, why is this guy so complicated? Well, if he wasn’t complicated I wouldn’t be sitting here right now, would I?

“Now that you say it, maybe I do,” He says, “I hit my head against the steering wheel yesterday in the car accident I had on my way here.”

Kurt stares at him for a moment before he snorts, covering his mouth with a hand as he starts laughing, “You’re impossible.”

Can he stop being adorable for one second?

“Look, I’m not lying,” Sebastian leans in again and points to the tiny scratch in his forehead, “A car fucking exploded in front of me.”

Kurt hesitates for a moment before leaning in and squinting enough to see the tiny scratch on Sebastian’s forehead. He goes back to his previous position as he purses his lips, “Are you trying to impress me or something?”

“No, I’m just answering your question,” Sebastian says with a shrug, then a smirk makes its way into his face, “Thanks for the concern, though. You’re such a sweetheart.”

Kurt rolls his eyes as he leans back against his chair, mimicking Sebastian’s posture. But that doesn’t hide the fact that he’s blushing. Again.

“Can I ask you something, Sebastian?”

“Go ahead,” Sebastian replies, now picking up his fork again to take another bite of pie in a desperate attempt to avoid Kurt’s gaze, though he must admit he’s curious. He’s also fucking terrified.

“Why do you come here?” There’s a strange lack of teasing in the question that makes Sebastian look up, because it sounds genuine yet he has no idea what the fuck he means, “I mean, you drive all the way here from Westerville for some shitty coffee when I’m one hundred percent sure there must be a bunch of pretentious, overpriced coffee shops that make their drinks with coffee beans imported from who knows where around every corner near Dalton.”

That sure is a question.

And Sebastian doesn’t know how to answer it.

He doesn’t even know why he’s here right now. What happened yesterday would’ve been a great opportunity to find a better place to get his daily coffee, but he decided to come here again and face possible humiliation… For what?

“I got used to it last year,” He answers.

Kurt squints at him, “As simple as that?”

“As simple as that.”

Kurt stares at him for at least thirty seconds before he nods and takes another sip of his coffee, which must be cold at this point. He licks his lips after he drinks and Sebastian dares to do a little experiment with himself. Needless to say, the results are terrible for him because all of the sudden his eyes are fixated on Kurt’s lips, slightly wet because of the coffee and the fact that he just delicately licked them. That answers another question.

What does a normal person do in this type of situation?

He doesn’t get to answer that question before Kurt speaks, “I understand. Must be a nightmare being here right now.”

“That’s one way to call it,” Sebastian says.

What do you call a nice nightmare? A dream you don’t want to escape but also makes you want to kill yourself?

“What’s the other way to call it?”

The question takes Sebastian by surprise and for a moment it feels like Kurt is reading his mind. He looks at him trying his best to avoid looking anywhere besides his eyes. He doesn’t want to end up looking at his lips again; because it felt good and he can’t let himself feel that good looking at Kurt. It should be enough to feel good talking to him, because in the end that’s what he always enjoyed doing with him. He doesn’t want to sleep with him or anything, that’s ridiculous and insane. He doesn’t want to kiss him either, because it all starts with a kiss, doesn’t it?

Well, he wishes he didn’t want to kiss him because his eyes just looked down and his lips still look good.

Why would Blaine cheat on him?

It’s not even really about whether he loves him or not, it’s about Kurt being… Kurt. Him being Kurt is more than enough to make it absolutely insane; the idea of Kurt not being enough is inconceivable. He’s smart, funny, pretty… Hot… And his lips are very… Oh, god, he looks so kissable. I must look like an idiot right now. I hope he thinks I’m losing my mind, mostly because it’s the sad truth.

“I haven’t found the right word,” He finally says, and a slight frown appears on Kurt’s face. I really shouldn’t be here right now. For my own sake, “You know, um… I have to go. I have an exam tomorrow.”

His frown deepens, “An exam?”

“Yeah,” Sebastian replies, “You graduated a few months ago and already forgot about exams?”

Kurt nods. He thinks I’m insane but in a ‘let’s put him in the psych ward’ way. Could it be possible to erase his memory… And mine in the process? He rolls his eyes. That’s good, or at least Sebastian thinks so, because it’s a classic Kurt reaction, so he doesn’t think he’s more insane than usual. Right?

“Right,” Kurt says, and drinks some more coffee, “You should go, then. I have to go home anyways.”

Please don’t lick your lips again.

Of course, he does. And Sebastian wants the earth to open up and swallow him into hell, because that would be better than looking at Kurt and thinking about kissing him. He’s never even wanted to kiss anyone before, he usually just wants to do what it takes to fuck someone. But he doesn’t even care about having sex with Kurt, right now he would simply sell his soul for a kiss.

A kiss that Kurt would probably rather die than give to him, even if he was single. Which he will hopefully be tomorrow, by the way. Not like it matters.

Sebastian quickly gets up. Probably too quickly, because Kurt is frowning again.

“So… Bye,” He says.

Kurt’s eyebrows move up as he mockingly whispers, “Bye.”

Yep. Even worse than yesterday.

He doesn’t look back as he walks towards the door or as he walks out or even as he crosses the street towards his car because he doesn’t want to give more thought to whatever he just felt inside that coffee shop because he’s aware of what it is and that makes him feel like he’s losing his fucking mind.

He’s starting to think what’s happening right now inside his head is more insane than the proposal thing, than all the insane plans and constant failing. He doesn’t want you to know why. He doesn’t even want to know himself, but the truth is that after the hundred mini mental breakdowns he’s had this week and what he felt a moment ago, he can’t hide from himself that he wants this proposal to stop for the most selfish reason he could ever think of.

He’s insane enough to think he has a chance, even though he’s not even sure he wants a chance. He just doesn’t want to know they are together.

Another insane thing to add to the list is that he feels like crying again. Since when does he cry?

Is this how girls feel before their periods or something?

Jesus. Maybe I do have a concussion. Should I go to the hospital?

No, no. It can wait. I can survive until tomorrow evening, right? Yes, I can. I can fucking survive, I can’t let him win. I mean, I can’t let this possible brain injury win. There is no him here. Only me, myself, and… And…  God, I can’t even think of the words because this possible brain injury is affecting my ability to think. The thing is there’s no one else but me in this situation. I’m alone as I’ve always been and as I’ll always be.

I don’t mean it in a depressing way. Everything is easier when you’re alone and that’s a fact.

Or maybe he doesn’t know better, but he doesn’t want to think about that.

Back to the important stuff; what his life will be like after this is over.

Sebastian must admit that he hates driving so much. He could be doing lots of useful things in the time it takes him to go from Westerville to Lima and back, and Kurt was right about there being a lot of coffee shops near Dalton with much better quality. He doesn’t have to go to the Lima Bean anymore or ever again, and he can think about Kurt anywhere, right? Wait. No, no. He won’t think about Kurt anymore. This is it, this is where it ends. Though it’d be much easier if Kurt told him to fuck off, but he hasn’t and Sebastian fucking hates him for it.

Kurt hasn’t told him to fuck off just like Blaine didn’t last year. Sebastian even said a few suggestive things this time and Kurt didn’t make fun of him for it. And that’s fucking weird, and that’s making Sebastian think about the possibilities and about the fact that he’s spent a year telling himself that Kurt is the exception to his lack of type when it comes to sexual attraction just to avoid thinking about the fact that he wanted to fuck him more than he wanted to fuck Blaine.

Well, there’s that. And once it comes out it can't get back in, can it?

For a second Sebastian seriously considers crashing his car.

He thinks about the sleepover, Kurt under the shadows in his loose pajamas that made him so curious, because he just needs to know what his body looks like under his clothes. He needs to see his pale, soft skin and the shape of his torso, and he needs to touch him. He needs to run the palm of his hand from the waistband of his pants all the way up to his neck, put it around it and press just enough to make him moan. He needs to feel him, to hear the sounds he makes, to feel his weight on top of him, to taste his mouth and…

Kurt accused him of wanting to take Blaine up to his room that night, but he wanted to take someone else.

It comes to mind that this is the first time he's thought about sex all week. That’s a record.

He lies in bed as soon as he gets to his room and rests his hands over his abdomen as he looks up to the ceiling; there’s an image engraved in his mind of something he hasn’t even seen yet, something that will probably never happen. He turns his head to the side and he pictures Kurt lying there, naked under a sheet as sunlight hits his beautiful skin. He thinks about how they'd get there, about how they’d fuck all night, but he has no idea of how that could happen because there’s no scenario in which Kurt would ever want that. But a boy can dream.

So he does the last thing he ever thought he’d do while thinking about Kurt.

Yeah, that.

He does it twice; but, come on, the guy hasn’t done it all week because he’s been too busy and he needs to relieve some tension. It has nothing to do with the fact that a thousand more images pop up in his head the first time he comes. Well, more than just images. His mind makes up sensations, tastes and scents; and it’s probably the first time he feels a little dirty for it, not because he sees it as a bad thing, but because it’s too vivid.

By the time he finishes for the second time, his wrist hurts and his face feels the hottest it has ever felt. He doesn’t even dare to get up to go wash his hands, he simply hides under the covers and tries to fall asleep. But, of course, he doesn’t; because his mind insists on taking him places he doesn’t want it to go, meaning it’s making a list of all the things he’d like to do with Kurt.

It gets really dirty considering the amount of time he spent repressing this, and he’s pretty sure Kurt wouldn’t even do half of these things with anyone. He’s hot, but he must be used to very tame things in bed. Sebastian could change that, though. If he gave him a chance, he could please him in a million ways and he’d never go back to dating boring guys. Maybe he’d even come back to him, right?

He doesn’t even notice himself falling asleep. He simply meets unconsciousness and he hates that when he wakes up, his mind is in the same place it was before and it feels like he barely blinked once… Which is probably why he wakes up hard. Why the fuck is his body betraying him like this? It’s fucking ridiculous.

It’s 7 a.m., so he grabs his stuff and goes to the showers and he solves his problem while the water runs over his head. He doesn’t know if there’s anyone else in the showers, but he really hopes there isn’t because he moans a little too loud when he comes.

This is so fucking embarrassing. And I thought I hit rock bottom before… It seems like rock bottom doesn’t exist and I just keep falling and falling, and it will probably be like that forever. Kurt is not going to fuck me, he’s just gonna leave and I’ll stay pathetically imagining all of this shit and jerking off to it like a fucking loser while he fucks hot guys in New York.

Oh my God.

Today is the day.

That’s right, today is the day.

He hurries as much as he can, then he runs back to his room because this is the kind of day where not even one second should be wasted. Once he’s in his room he literally throws himself onto his bed to reach his phone, because he forgot to let Blaine know he got the stuff and he doesn’t even know what the fuck Finn has been up to. The phone slips from his hands to the floor and he rolls off the bed, lying on his stomach as he grabs it from the carpet.

Oh, fuck.

A total of 225 messages from different senders. 79 from Blaine. 46 from Finn. 7 from Nick. 5 from an unknown number. 3 from Jeff. The rest are the same texts from different family members that he’s been ignoring for weeks. He opens Blaine’s chat first and scrolls all the way up. Every message is a question. ‘Where are you?’ ’Do you have the stuff?’ ‘Did you find the store?’ ‘Why the fuck aren’t you answering?’

Well, some of the messages aren’t questions. They’re very offensive and definitive, like he knows shit about Sebastian. A few are tame, like: ‘You’re a fucking asshole and the worst scum of the earth for trying to ruin this for us. You hate to see people happy because of how miserable you are, and if at some point of your life you get to feel the happiness I feel when I’m with my boyfriend, I hope it’s ripped away from your hands the way you’re trying to do to me.’ Some of the others are just nasty and not in a fun way.

Sebastian decides to ignore all of them because there’s no point in arguing with Blaine anyway.

Sebastian:

• I got the stuff

Blaine:

• What took you so long?????????

Sebastian:

• I’m tired and I fell asleep
• Besides, I don’t fucking work for you

Blaine:

• Take all of it to the kitchen if you haven’t already

Sebastian:

• I told you I don’t fucking work for you

Seen. 8:14 a.m.

Whatever. He can go fuck himself. I’ll do it whenever the fuck I want.

He opens the chat with Finn, and there’s even more questions. These are nice, though. ‘Hey, man. Did you get the stuff?’ ‘Are you okay?’ ‘C’mon, did you die on your way back or what?’ ‘Were you kidnapped?’ ‘Where are you?’ And some others aren’t questions. ‘I need to talk to you’ ‘You can’t stay mad at me forever’ ‘It’s tomorrow, man. We have to talk’ ‘Don’t be an asshole for once’.

What can I tell you, Finn? I was busy having a mental breakdown over your brother and jerking off thinking about him. What have you been up to?

Sebastian:

• I got the stuff, I was tired and I fell asleep
• I guess what’s most important is that I’m alive

Really?

Finn:

• Man, I was worried sick
• I’m gonna be there in like two hours
• What’s the plan?

Sebastian stops to think for a moment. He has those weird natural laxatives that smelt weirdly nice and… That’s all. Jesus, he went through all that trouble to end up with fucking laxatives? It’s pathetic and very fucking low.

Sebastian:

• What do you have in mind?

Finn:

• What do you mean what I have in mind?
• Didn’t you have a plan?

Sebastian groans. All he wants to do is throw his phone to the other side of the room but then he remembers that one thing he had in mind yesterday morning.

Sebastian:

• I was thinking about bugs

Finn:

• Didn’t you say no infestations?

Sebastian:

• I mean putting bugs in the food so everyone loses their shit
• Can you get bugs somewhere?
• Larvae or worms or whatever?

Finn:

• I think so

Sebastian:

• Awesome
• Get to work

Finn sends a thumbs up emoji.

He moves to the next conversation. 7 messages from an unknown number.

Unknown number:

• Hey, it’s Sam. Finn gave me your number
• I don’t think we’ve ever met but I need to talk to you
• Whatever you have in mind just tell me how I can help
• I’m pretty sure Blaine lost his mind, he hasn’t even told his parents about this
• Tina wants to help too in case you need her

Sebastian:

• This is weird. Why would I want your help if I don’t even know you
• For all I know you could be keeping Blaine informed

Sam:

• If he knew he would’ve stopped you but he gave you his shopping list

Sebastian:

• Whatever
• I don’t need anything from you right now
• But I’ll let you know if I find you something to do

Another thumbs up.

Sebastian moves to Nick’s chat. There he is again asking if he’s okay because Finn texted him and they were all worried. He wonders when and how the fuck did Finn and Nick get so close. This is insane. He replies that he’s in his room, then he looks at Jeff’s texts that say pretty much the same thing, so Sebastian gives him the same answer.

That’s all. So he gets up from the floor and gets dressed.

As he puts on his itchy uniform he realizes he doesn’t want to put it on ever again. It makes him feel stuck and directionless, like there’s nothing ahead of him besides darkness; and it doesn’t fit him after what he’s been through these past few days. In a fucked up and strange way, it made him realize that he has to find somewhere to be after all of this is done, no matter what happens. Even if everything backfires again, he’ll have to get up and keep moving. It really helps that he’ll be out of here in a couple of months.

He goes to get the stuff from his car, and he takes the bags with the food first to avoid breaking the glass bottles he has in the other bags. And he has to admit he feels kind of defeated when he sees the excitement in the cooks’ faces because of the proposal. They’re all talking about how romantic it is and how they watched them get together years ago and about them being soulmates. It’s honestly disgusting.

So he gets out of there as fast as he can to go get the alcohol bottles.

He’s trying to fit a bottle of vodka into a bag when an idea appears, and he realizes that everyone panicking might not be enough to stop Blaine, so maybe he needs something special.

Sebastian has the bad habit of leaving empty water bottles scattered all over his car, and he never really thought it’d come in handy, but now he’s reaching under the seats to get them and gathers them in a straight line in the open trunk of his car. He sits at the edge and opens one of the vodka bottles, and chugs a bit from it before starting to fill the first empty plastic bottle. He repeats the process with two more bottles until the vodka one is empty, and prepares himself to mix a Blaine Anderson special.

Which means he fills the bottle with the laxatives he bought yesterday. He doesn’t even know if they’ll work since the girl didn’t even seem to know or care about what she was selling him, but it still wouldn’t hurt to try. Well, it wouldn’t hurt him, because he has no idea of what would happen to Blaine and, honestly, he doesn’t really care.

All Sebastian has to do now is keep that bottle with him and wait for Blaine to get nervous, then he’ll be there as the nice guy he is now to give him a shot of vodka to calm his nerves. Except the vodka will be those damn laxatives, and he will hopefully shit his pants.

Yes, Sebastian is aware that he claimed to hate the idea of the laxatives barely an hour ago, and he still does, but this time he’s indulging in a little fun. It might not even work anyways.

He takes the rest of the bottles to the kitchen and keeps the one filled with laxatives with himself, then he returns to his room. He takes his phone to ask Finn if he had any luck when he hears the knock on his door… And there he is. He looks freaked out, to say the least.

“Hey,” Sebastian calmly says, “Did you do it?”

Finn breathes sharply through his nose as he walks past Sebastian into the room. Sebastian closes the door and watches him take off his backpack and place it on the desk, “Yeah, they have worms and stuff at the school’s bio lab, so I borrowed some. But… Are you sure?”

Sebastian crosses his arms as he walks closer, “Of course I’m sure, why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know,” Finn says, “I mean, what if someone gets hurt?”

Sebastian puts his head back and groans, “Jesus, you’re so annoying. We didn’t get anything done, okay? This is our last resort, and nobody is gonna get hurt anyways. Maybe someone will have a panic attack or throw up or something but that’s it, who cares?”

Finn stares at him with his mouth half open for a moment before saying, “That’s like, the definition of getting hurt.”

“Since when do you know the definition of anything?” Sebastian asks, and Finn rolls his eyes, “Look, it’s all collateral damage. It always happens.”

Finn still doesn’t look convinced, and Sebastian gives him time to think about it. Less than a minute later, Finn is aggressively nodding as he gives himself the courage to keep going.

“Alright. How do we do it?”

A smirk appears on Sebastian’s face, “That’s my boy. All we have to do is wait for lunch to be ready and put those bad boys into the pots. They won’t notice. Besides, they like me enough to let me into the kitchen while they’re cooking, so it’ll be easy.”

Finn hasn’t stopped nodding, “Okay, that’s cool.”

“Yeah,” Sebastian says. He walks closer to Finn and pats his shoulder, “Now go downstairs and pretend to be happy.”

Finn is still nodding. He walks out of the room and slams the door shut, but Sebastian allows it because he can’t really ask for more, right? Finn has probably used his brain more this week than he had in years.

Sebastian takes the tupperware out of Finn’s backpack and removes the lid. There’s a mass of worms crawling and the sight of it makes him gag instantly, so he quickly closes it to keep himself from throwing up. Yeah. That’ll do the trick. He would kill himself if he was about to eat and saw those things on his plate. It almost makes him feel bad, but that’s what these people get for helping that hideous hobbit.

He takes the bottle and the box down with him. In the hall there’s already some of the guests talking and he spots Finn talking to Sam and Tina in a corner. There’s no sign of Blaine anywhere, so he walks up to them.

“Good morning, everyone. How are we doing on this beautiful day?”

The three of them turn to look at him and there’s a moment of silence. Then Sam says, “You’re really confident in yourself, aren’t you?”

Sebastian slightly frowns, “I don’t know what you mean; it’s just a beautiful morning. Nice to meet you, by the way. I’d shake your hand but mine are busy,” He says, then he looks at Tina, “You must be Tina. Nice to meet you, too.”

He winks at them before walking away, and he politely nods at people as he makes his way to the kitchen. He’s about to walk inside when he runs straight into Blaine, who’s wearing a ridiculous yellow suit and whose hair looks more disgusting than usual. Jesus, does he put gel on his hair or is it some unknown toxic substance? Because that’s just horrible. It genuinely looks like a helmet that could be removed to reveal he’s bald under it. 

Sebastian keeps a smirk on his face as Blaine looks at him like he murdered a kitten in front of him.

“Good morning, Blaine. Are you ready for the big occasion?” He asks.

Blaine scoffs, “Don’t pretend you’re okay with this now, Sebastian. You’ve been acting up all week, and you’re lucky I’m being civil about our phone call yesterday.”

Sebastian’s eyebrows move up, smirk intact, “Wow, that’s so kind of you, if only I gave a fuck. And don’t say I’ve been acting up like I’m a fucking child, you’re lucky I’ve been civil about this. Now why don’t you get out of my way?”

Blaine crosses his arms and it doesn’t look like he’ll move anytime soon, so Sebastian rolls his eyes. Does he really think he’s intimidating? He’s like five feet tall.

“You listen to me, Sebastian. I’m done with you sticking your nose in my relationship,” He says, “None of this is any of your business so you stay out of my way, or I won’t respond for my actions.”

“You won’t respond for your…?” Sebastian snorts, “What exactly are you going to do? I need to know what awaits me, maybe I’ll get scared.”

Blaine breathes hard through his nose before pushing Sebastian’s shoulder as he walks past him. No matter what happens today, it’s immensely satisfying to know he pissed Blaine off.

When he walks into the kitchen he finds all of the cooks looking in his direction, “What?”

“Don’t ruin this for him,” Ms. Jenny says, who’s been working here for at least two decades. It’s impressive, to be honest, because Sebastian can’t imagine why someone would stay here for that long, “He’s been working so hard on this.”

Sebastian frowns, “Why would I do that?”

“Because you like to ruin things for people,” Lucy—Ms. Jenny’s daughter—shouts from the back of the kitchen.

“We know you’re a little schemer, honey. But don’t worry, we love you all the same,” Ms. Jenny adds.

Sebastian stays quiet for a moment, his frown intact. It’s funny to think that they were stirring their pots for two years while probably making fun of him for repeatedly doing stupid shit. Oh god, do they know he’s been going insane this past week?

“Wow, that’s very nice of you. And I thought I was being subtle, at least in front of you ladies.”

“Well, you haven’t ruined anything for us and that’s all that matters,” Ms. Jenny says.

Two of the other cooks share a laugh, and Sebastian feels like he’s the object of an inside joke. Weird.

Well, ladies, you have a big storm coming. I apologize in advance.

He stands against the counter and puts the bottle and the tupperware right next to him for safety. Ms. Jenny and Ms. Hannah, another one of the cooks, start talking about a freshman whose parents they’re convinced are in the mafia while the rest of them add supposedly weird things they’ve seen the kid doing during lunchtime that could be explained by that type of upbringing. Sebastian listens, nods and makes an agreeing comment every once in a while until Lucy drops an entire pot of rice that spills all over the floor.

Ms. Jenny scolds her and Lucy apologizes over and over as she drops to her knees and tries to put the rice back into the pot. It takes Sebastian a moment to realize this will delay the rest of the cooking.

“I’ll help you, Luce,” He says as he stumbles on furniture on his way towards her.

He grabs one of the big spoons they use to serve lunch and leans enough to scoop some of the rice with it and put it inside the pot, careful enough to avoid ruining his shoes. Lucy keeps thanking him as he does it and all the other cooks talk about what a gentleman he is, and Ms. Jenny even dares to say it’s a shame he’s gay because he’d be an exceptional husband for a woman. It almost makes Sebastian gag harder than he did when he saw those worms, but he tells himself to stay quiet and not say that he’d rather be skinned alive than being straight.

It takes them a while because the spoons are not big enough, then Sebastian picks up the pot and puts it on the counter next to the stove while Lucy walks out of the kitchen to go get a mop. In the meantime, lunch is already cooking, and it smells gross. He scrunches his nose and walks over to look inside one of the pots. There’s some kind of broth that looks like dirty water.

“What the hell are you making?” He asks.

Ms. Hannah stands next to him and starts stirring the pot, “Blaine asked us to make some squid stew.”

What the actual fuck is wrong with that guy?

He looks over to Ms. Jenny, who’s cutting that… Thing. Jesus.

“I’d be very grateful if you gave me a sandwich for lunch,” He says, “No offense, but that doesn’t look very edible.”

Ms. Hannah sighs, “None taken. I don’t know why this boy couldn’t give some pasta to his guests; you rich people are always complicating things.”

“I’d give them pasta,” Sebastian says, “Actually, if I was him I’d give some fancy food to my boyfriend and the rest of them would eat shit.”

Ms. Jenny cackles as Ms. Hannah shakes her head. Sebastian grins as he walks around the island, watching the other two cooks cut vegetables. Ms. Jenny puts the cut squid into a giant pan and puts a bunch of spices on it, stirring it until the pieces of that disgusting meat are completely covered in them. She adds some of that nasty broth and a mix of liquids she has in a jar, then she… She fucking sets it on fire.

Again. What the fuck?

For his own safety, he returns to the counter he was standing next to before helping poor Lucy.

As he approaches he notices the bottle of vodka is gone. No, not vodka, fucking laxatives. He’s about ninety seven percent sure he left it there, right next to the tupperware filled with worms.

“Ms. Jenny?” He asks with a thin voice, “Ms. Jenny, where’s the bottle I left here?”

Ms. Jenny looks at him over her shoulder, “The squid is sautéed in vodka, had to use the entire bottle in this thing.”

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

God, no.

Sebastian swallows hard as he watches Ms. Jenny stir the food in that pan. There are a few options; considering this could also work without needing the worms, but he doesn’t even know for sure if it’s going to work, so he has to do the worm thing anyways. But the laxatives and worms combined could be catastrophic, and he doesn’t want that much chaos, does he?

He takes a deep breath before walking up to her and he accidentally pushes her as he walks past her on his way towards the backdoor. She squeals and a noise is heard, and when Sebastian turns around he sees her sitting on the floor with a spoon in one hand and the other holding the back of her head. Ms. Hannah runs to help her up and Sebastian quickly apologizes as he walks towards the stove where the squid is cooking. He looks around for something to pour on it, anything, and right as he spots a giant jar of salt, he feels a hand on his shoulder and sees Ms. Hannah warmly smiling at him.

“You’re such a sweet boy,” She says, pinching his cheek while she reaches for a spoon with her free hand, “I’m sorry we thought you were trying to ruin this. You just want to help!”

There goes his chance. Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

He apologizes to Ms. Jenny a couple more times as he picks up his tupperware and walks out of the kitchen.

Finn, Finn. Where the fuck are you, Finn?

He’s talking to Blaine in the dining room. Sebastian calls him over with one hand and Finn shrugs, so Sebastian rolls his eyes and makes the motion of slashing his throat. Finn frowns and looks back at Blaine, who doesn’t seem to have any intentions to shut up until Finn says something to him, squeezes his shoulder and runs out of the room.

Sebastian succeeds at following him without Blaine noticing, and he finds Finn waiting next to the door right outside the dining room.

“What happened?” Finn asks, “You look worried and you don’t even look worried when you should be. Dude, what the hell happened?”

Sebastian swallows hard, “The cooks may or may not have accidentally put an entire bottle of laxatives in the food we’re supposed to eat for lunch.”

Finn’s mouth drops, and he leans closer to him, “What the hell are you talking about, man? What laxatives? What the fuck did you do?”

“I was supposed to give a little to Blaine!” Sebastian replies. His hands are getting sweaty and so is his hairline, “It was just something to complement our plan! But one of the cooks put the entire thing in it because I put all of it in a bottle of vodka and she thought it was there to use to sautée the fucking squid. It’s not my fucking fault so don’t look at me like that.”

Finn scoffs as he shakes his head; and it looks like he’s about to say something when his mouth closes and his eyes widen with the beautiful glimmer of an actual thought, “If they see worms in it, they won’t eat it, right? Like you said, they’ll panic. So the laxatives won’t be a problem.”

Right. They won’t eat it at all because they’ll panic. Fuck, yes. No need to do anything else!

“Finn Hudson, I could kiss you right now. Can I kiss you?”

“I’d rather kill myself,” Finn says, “But thanks.”

Rude.

A bell rings. No, not a bell; the bell that indicates lunchtime, and Lucy shouts, “Food will be ready in fifteen minutes!”

Sebastian walks back into the dining room and finds everyone gathering near the bar where the cooks serve the food, and he tries to appear calm as he approaches and makes his way between the crowd. He’s basically squashed between two people as he walks behind the bar, but manages to get out unharmed and rushes towards the kitchen.

There is the giant pan with all the food, looking at him from the stove while the cooks focus on the rest of their tasks. Lucy is walking towards it with a tray in her hand.

“Luce!” He shouts, and the girl quickly turns in his direction, “Why don’t you let me do that? I think you’ve worked enough today, take a break.”

“Aren’t you a gentleman?” Ms. Hannah shouts from the other side of the kitchen, “Let him work, Lucy. Maybe he’ll learn a thing or two before he leaves this place.”

Lucy shrugs at Sebastian as she hands him the tray, then she dries her hands with a kitchen towel and walks away.

Sebastian waits until nobody is paying attention to him to put the tray at an angle that will keep everyone from looking inside the pan, then he puts the tupperware on the counter and opens it with shaky hands. He tries not to look inside as he pours all of its content into the pan, then he quickly grabs the nearest spoon and opens his eyes just enough to look at what he’s stirring without seeing the details of it.

He completely opens his eyes after a minute, and he sees one or two worms moving around but nothing extremely noticeable; which is good but also bad, because it means these people could eat food with both worms and laxatives. He takes a deep breath and pours all of it in the tray, then makes sure to scrape everything off so there’s not one worm left in it before he takes the tray outside and puts it in its place.

He makes his way out from behind the counter and as he approaches the dining room’s door he barely notices that he’s walking straight towards two girls.

Not any girls, by the way. Rachel Berry and Santana Lopez.

Fucking great.

Rachel rolls her eyes as she turns away while Santana crosses her arms and attentively watches him, scanning him with contemptuous eyes. He puts his hands in his pockets as he stops in front of them, and he notices that Rachel was just whispering something to Santana.

“If it isn’t Slutty Rat-Face. Are you getting used to the light after spending so much time with a bag on your head since no man would fuck you if they had to look at you while they do it?”

“Hello, Santana,” Sebastian replies, “I bet they give you some good tips at the strip club since you have the time and money to come here whenever one of your friends farts.”

“What are you even doing here?” Rachel interrupts, “I don’t understand why Blaine thought it was a good idea to have you here considering seeing you will only ruin Kurt’s day.”

Sebastian scoffs, “Listen here, Walmart Barbra, I live here and all of you are the ones showing up uninvited so I’m not the one who should get the fuck out.”

And, by the way, I saw Kurt yesterday and it didn’t seem to ruin his day. It actually seems like Blaine is the one ruining his days lately.

Rachel shakes her head, “If you had at least a little decency in you, you’d go up to your room right now and stay there until you lose your chance to ruin this.”

Sebastian must admit he missed how good it felt to piss these people off. He smirks at her as he says, “Too bad I have none. Now if you’ll excuse me.”

He walks past them towards the door, but is stopped by Santana’s voice behind him.

“If you ruin this for my friends I’ll snap your spine in half and you’ll have to crawl around on your own because nobody cares enough about you to help you,” She says as she walks in his direction, “There’s a reason why you didn’t get what you wanted with who you wanted last year. And I hope you know he’d never look your way even if you were the last man on earth.”

Sebastian makes sure his expression doesn’t fall when he says, “That would be a great way to hurt my feelings if it wasn’t that I’d kill myself if Blaine ever looked my way.”

Santana takes a step closer, and he can smell her perfume; something dark and woody that makes him slightly nauseous, “You might have everyone here fooled, but you and I know he’s not the one I’m talking about.”

The way she’s looking at him somehow physically hurts, but Sebastian holds her gaze for one more second before saying, “Have a good day, Santana. I hope you enjoy lunch.”

And he walks away.

What the actual fuck was that?

You know what? I’ll save that for later. Right now there are bigger problems, such as the fact that the cooks are starting to serve the food.

From where he’s standing he sees Nick and Jeff standing in line, and he decides Finn will have to wait because he doesn’t give a fuck about any of these people, but he can’t let his idiots come close to that food. They’re talking and he’s sure Jeff is saying something stupid while Nick doesn’t listen to him because he’s too busy smiling at him. He stands between them and both of them seem to snap out of a trance.

“Hey, guys. Why don’t we go get some sandwiches from the kitchen?” Sebastian says, putting his arms around the boys’ shoulders, “I’ll get one for Finn and some for us, doesn’t it sound good?”

The boys look at each other, then Jeff slowly asks, “...Why?”

“Because,” Sebastian says, “I was in the kitchen while they were cooking and that’s the most disgusting food I’ve ever seen. Who the fuck eats squid? Certainly only fucking freaks like Blaine Anderson.”

He turns to look at Nick, who is staring at him like he’s trying to read his mind. After a few seconds of staring at each other, Nick turns to Jeff and says, “Yeah, I think Seb’s right. Sandwiches sound good.”

“Great,” Sebastian says, “Now get the fuck out of here.”

Sebastian waits until they’re very far away from the line before walking back into the kitchen to get some of the ham and cheese sandwiches they always keep in the fridge because he doesn’t have time to wait for the cooks to make some for him, and he goes completely unnoticed as they’re taking the last couple of trays to the bar. He gets one for himself, one for Finn, some for Nick and Jeff… And he decides he’ll be nice this time and give Sam and Tina some as well since they were willing to help.

When he gets back to the dining room, he spots Finn talking to Nick and Jeff. He runs in their direction and gives them their sandwiches, and as they thank him, he looks around looking for Sam and Tina. He spots them talking near one of the tables.

“Finn,” He says, then points at them, “Tell them to come here.”

Finn is opening his mouth to take the first bite, and a frown appears on his face, “Why?”

“Because it will look weird if I call them,” Sebastian replies. It takes Finn a moment before he raises a hand to call them over, but Sebastian pushes his arm back down, “You know what? Go give them these sandwiches and stay there with them, because any of you hanging out with me looks weird.”

“Right,” Finn says as he takes the sandwiches from Sebastian’s hand, “So what do we do now?”

“Now we wait.”

Finn stays talking to Sam and Tina after giving them their sandwiches while Nick and Jeff talk and Sebastian watches everyone take their places around the tables. Nobody has realized yet, all of them having lively conversations like this was some great day that will come down in history. Well, it certainly will, but not for the reasons they think.

Blaine sits at the head of the table and says some bullshit about being grateful for everyone being here; about how love is love and marriage equality, which is annoying as fuck. It sounds like something allies say to demonstrate that they’re allies. It’s weird how at first sight one might think that Kurt is the most stereotypical gay guy that could ever exist, but it’s actually Blaine the one waving the pride flag over his head all the time and it’s exhausting.

Kurt is much more interesting than that.

They’re all getting their silverware ready, and Blaine is the first one to take a bite without realizing what’s really in his plate. He nods in approval and talks about how good the food is, and everyone else is about to start eating when the alarms start beeping as the smell of smoke leaks into the dining room and a scream is heard coming from the kitchen. 

What the fuck is happening now?

Sebastian is instinctively the first one to run towards the kitchen, pushing everyone aside on his way there. He hears Blaine whining about something behind him and there’s a couple other people approaching, but it doesn’t matter because Lucy stumbles out of the kitchen coughing and drops to her knees.

“The fire extinguishers aren’t working!” She shouts.

“Someone get a fucking extinguisher that works!” Sebastian shouts behind him as he rushes in her direction and for a second she seems unconscious, but then she starts coughing again and she throws her arms around Sebastian’s shoulders as he helps her up, “Are you okay?”

Lucy nods, “My mom, I don’t know what’s wrong with her.”

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Sebastian turns around and sees Sam approaching with a fire extinguisher in his hands, and he takes it with one hand while Sam doesn’t even need to be told before he’s taking the girl from Sebastian’s arms. He carries her away from the smoke while Sebastian enters the kitchen, so filled with smoke that he can barely spot the fire spreading from the stove to the wall.

Are you fucking serious? Two fires in a week. Two. Fucking. Fires.

The worst part is he can’t see any of the cooks because of the smoke.

And the backdoor is closed.

“Can someone fucking come here you fucking useless pieces of shit?” He shouts, because how the fuck is it possible that no one is here helping him yet? A moment later, Finn stumbles into the kitchen with an arm covering his mouth and nose, “Finn, look around for the cooks because I’m sure none of them got out.”

The extinguisher is almost empty and the fire is still going strong.

More screams.

Holy mother of god, more screams.

Sebastian walks out of the kitchen to see what the fuck is going on and, well, everyone is running and jumping around while worms crawl around the floor. A couple of people run out of the dining room with their hands over their mouths while some others cry, Blaine is nowhere to be seen and the only one who seems to be calm is Santana, who walks between everyone else, looking only slightly disgusted.

“The fire is not going out!” Sebastian shouts at her, “Call 911!”

Santana rolls her eyes as she takes her phone out of her pocket, and Sebastian goes back inside the kitchen. That’s when he realizes he should’ve opened the backdoor to at least clear the smoke a little. He puts an arm over his mouth as he walks towards the door, and it’s locked, because apparently Lucy locked it when she came back with the mop earlier. His eyes sting and he can barely see anything, but he manages to spot a little metal box on the floor. He picks it up and starts hitting the lock with it until it breaks, the door opens and air comes in.

“Finn, are you alive?” He asks, “Did you have any luck?”

“I found two of them!” Finn replies, “I’ll carry one of them, you help me with the other!”

A moment later they’re both carrying the cooks outside, and gently leave them on the floor because they’re both unconscious. Luckily, they’re both breathing. They’re also… Jesus, their pants are soiled. Sebastian quickly looks at his arms and hands and smells himself, and he’s lucky enough to be clean. Finn is clearly not as lucky as he is, though, because he’s clumsily taking off his jacket.

“I knew you were up to something,” Santana’s voice interrupts. She has her arms crossed as she calmly walks in their direction, “It’s not like you to let go of the chance to ruin something like this, especially when it could end up with a guy you want to fuck getting engaged to a guy you pretended to want to fuck.”

“Did you call 911?” Sebastian asks.

Santana shrugs, “Yeah, they’re on their way.”

“Dude, are you sure the food only had laxatives?” Finn asks, “Because I don’t think they’re unconscious because of the smoke.”

Both Sebastian and Santana frown as they turn to look at Finn, “What makes you say that?”

“I mean, how did the fire start?” Finn asks, and it doesn’t answer anything. He sighs and adds, “Why didn’t they do anything when it started, why was the girl the only one who came out of there? They had time to get out, right? But they didn’t, and they shat themselves so… It looks like they ate the food.”

“Huh,” Santana says, then she speaks to Sebastian, “He has a point. Can you believe it?”

He really does have a point. I don’t even know what the fuck I bought yesterday. Jesus, what if they die?

“Hold on, make sure they stay alive,” He says as he gets up, “I’ll be right back.”

He goes towards the front door trying to avoid the people still screaming around him, and the ones who are lying on the floor crying like babies. None of the idiots looks like Blaine Anderson, though, and that’s weird but right now he needs to make sure nobody dies; so he rushes to his car and opens the trunk, where the empty jars of whatever is in the food are.

None of them have labels. Why don’t they have labels? Wait. Sebastian spots something at the bottom, where there’s a tiny label with tiny letters that say: “Natural laxative. Works in 15-30 minutes.” Huh. He looks at the other one and… Fuck.

“Somniferous. Works in 10 minutes.”

Of Fucking Course.

He’s closing the trunk when an alarm goes off followed by another wave of screams, and a few seconds later there’s a horde of Dalton boys running out of the building along with faculty members and some of the guests. Aaaaand there’s smoke coming from behind the building. He manages to reach the front door and goes back inside because he needs to make sure at least Finn is alive. He finds him, Santana and the unconscious cooks in the hall. They apparently got a third one out of the kitchen, Ms. Hannah.

“So it’s spreading,” Sebastian says, “I can’t believe I caused two fucking fires this week.”

“Two?” Santana asks, then, with a mocking tone, adds, “That’s a story I need to hear.”

Sebastian rolls his eyes, “Where the fuck is Blaine?”

“Him and Rachel ran to the bathroom together,” Santana says, “I hope they’re not making out.”

Uh, what?

“What?”

“Long story,” Finn says.

That’s the exact moment Rachel crawls out of the hallway that leads to the bathrooms as Blaine stumbles behind her. Finn runs to help her get up while she cries, and he’s putting an arm around her waist when Blaine drops to the floor. They all look at him for a second, but nobody tries to help him up because he’ll shit his pants anytime and none of them want to deal with that. Besides, it’s better to not have Blaine Anderson whining about whatever he has to whine about right now. Or ever.

“What about Sam and Tina?” Sebastian asks.

Santana looks around, “I’m pretty sure Tina ran out with Sam when he was carrying the girl from the kitchen. I’m sure they are making out.”

Sirens go off in the distance. In a matter of seconds the hall is completely empty, and the building is as silent as a tomb. They all stay there because there’s not really a place to go except outside, and there’s not any smoke where they are anyways. So they look out the window at the chaos and the only noise around them is Rachel crying and telling Finn about the disgusting things crawling in her plate. For a moment, Sebastian wishes she ate the food as well so she would be as quiet as Blaine luckily is.

Speaking of Blaine, he’s starting to smell just like the cooks. It feels like they’re in a public bathroom watching each other take shits. It’s not at all how Sebastian expected this to go.

A couple of fire trucks stop in front of the building and they see through the window how the firemen run around it with their hoses to find the source of the fire, then the ambulances begin to arrive. It all gets even more chaotic outside, so Finn offers Santana a ride because he’s getting Rachel out of there, and, of course, Santana agrees; so all of the sudden Sebastian is sitting in the hall alone with a bunch of smelly unconscious people around him.

Right. The ambulances.

Sebastian walks out and calls some paramedics over to tell them about the three people inside, so now he’s sitting in the hall alone. At least it doesn’t smell bad anymore.

Half an hour passes and the fire is out, but there are still ambulances coming and going because of the amount of people who are either unconscious or going crazy outside. It makes Sebastian feel weird to know that he caused all of that yet he doesn’t really feel guilty about it. It makes him think that maybe he’s a heartless psychopath, but again, it’s not the first time he thinks about it.

He looks through the window as he thinks about it and he sees a car stop behind the ambulances. A middle aged man gets out of it, and he looks terribly out of place until Kurt gets out from the other side. They both make their way between the ambulances, paramedics and panicked people; and the man who must be Kurt’s dad stops to ask someone while Kurt looks around with a frown.

He’s wearing a peacock blue suit that would probably look bad on anyone, but it looks good on him.

That’s all the motivation Sebastian needs to get up and walk outside. Kurt instantly looks at him as he opens the door, and waits for him at the steps of the building.

“What happened here?” Kurt asks.

Sebastian shrugs, “Food poisoning and a fire; both things are unrelated. Kind of.”

Kurt stares at him for a moment, then he tilts his head and asks, “Was it you?”

Sebastian looks away as he walks past Kurt towards the stone benches against the building wall.

“I fear you’ll have to be way more specific with that question, princess,” He says as he sits down, “You and I both know I have done a lot of things.”

There’s a playful glimmer in Kurt’s eyes as he crosses his arms and joins him on the bench. He dramatically sighs, “Let’s see. You spent the entire week trying to convince me that getting back together with Blaine was a bad idea, and now this … Happens.”

“I don’t like your tone,” Sebastian says, and Kurt rolls his eyes. There’s a tense moment of silence between them, but Sebastian feels Kurt’s eyes on him and it’s making his face feel weird, “It wasn’t food poisoning. Not exactly, more like laxatives and an accidental dose of a weird somniferous liquid. In my defense, the plan was to give a shot of that to Blaine so he’d be too busy shitting his guts out to propose to you.”

Kurt chuckles, “In that case I’m glad it turned out like this, because if putting that in the food caused all of this, one shot of that would’ve killed him,” He says, “Where is he?”

It almost sounds like he’s asking out of obligation more than actual concern, and it brings a tiny smile to Sebastian’s face. He nods towards the ambulances, “They took him to the hospital, you should check there.”

“I will,” Kurt says, again, like he feels forced to do so, “I just need a minute.”

It feels morbid to sit there watching the chaos, willingly unharmed while everyone panics due to their lack of knowledge. Sebastian is still hyper aware of how guilty he should feel, but he’s actually quite satisfied with the results, especially the fact that the really bad part happened before Kurt’s arrival. He must admit he rarely feels this fulfilled, so it’s a shame that he can’t tell a soul about this. Except Finn, Santana and Kurt.

That’s funny, though. Three people who hated his guts at the beginning of the week—actually, at least one of them still hates him—being the ones keeping his secret.

Kurt is still looking ahead, gaze lost in the buzz around them, and Sebastian notices the man who must be Kurt’s dad looking directly at him. He nods in his direction and the man nods back right before going back to his car, like he needed to make sure someone was taking care of his son, because he must know Kurt enough to know when he doesn’t want to be bothered… Which is why Sebastian stays quiet while Kurt ponders.

Sebastian tries his best to not be too obvious when he turns to his side to look at Kurt, who is clearly fully zoned out at the moment. It’s a good opportunity to simply watch him in a way Kurt usually wouldn’t let himself be watched; in a way Sebastian will probably never get to look at him again since this is the closest he’s ever been to him physically. He looks a little sadder up close, but he also looks infinitely prettier. Sebastian imagines this is what it must be like to see a movie star in real life.

He gets the urge to move closer and touch him, but he’s scared that it would break their truce, or whatever this is.

He’s actually scared in general.

“I’ve been thinking,” Kurt says all of the sudden, his voice somehow louder than the sirens, “About what we talked about, and it hurts to say but… You were right. What he did was going to stay with us forever, it wouldn’t even matter if he did it again or not, it would always be there; living with us like a ghost, haunting our house. And that’s not how I want to live. I want to be with someone I trust,” He side-eyes Sebastian, “Go ahead, say I told you so.”

Sebastian feels like he’s been pulled out of a trance and that’s the moment he realizes Kurt is actually talking to him, “I wasn’t going to.”

Kurt turns around to look at him and studies his face for a moment, a moment Sebastian takes advantage of as he uses it to look into Kurt’s clear yet intense blue eyes. He sighs before looking away.

“You know, it’s really sad how you’re pretty much the only person I can talk to about this,” Kurt says, “All my friends were in this, my dad was in it… And nobody stopped to think about whether this was good for me or not, or if I wanted it at all. But you, the one guy who should rejoice in my misery, are the only one who did something about it. I mean, I don’t agree with your methods, but you still did something.”

“It wasn’t all me,” Sebastian says, “Finn helped.”

Kurt snorts as he turns to look at him again, and his smile soon becomes a frown, “You and Finn? Working together? Are you serious?” He asks, getting a shrug in response, “Where’s Finn? Is he okay?”

“Yeah, Rachel was panicking so he took her and Santana away from here.”

Kurt nods, and they both stay quiet as the last ambulances start to leave the place and all of the sudden they’re alone in this open space that looks the biggest it’s ever been. Sebastian’s fingers itch with the need to touch Kurt’s hand, loosely resting between the two of them. It’s the first time he’s ever felt the need to touch anyone this way, just for the comfort of it, and it feels like the most intimate thing he could ever want.

He’s starting to see the appeal of it all. In theory, of course, because it must be a nice feeling when you have the person you want in the way you want them instead of… This.

“I can still only talk about it with you because I’m not about to go to Finn with my relationship problems.”

“But you can come to me?” Sebastian asks, “I used to be your relationship problem.”

He expects Kurt to laugh, but he gets a sigh out of him instead.

“You weren’t the problem,” He says, “You were just a catalyst.”

“You’re welcome, then.”

Kurt rolls his eyes, “You’re still the most insufferable person on earth.”

“Be nice or I’ll charge you for this therapy session.”

They’re kind of annoyingly smiling at each other when Kurt’s phone buzzes and he quickly takes it out of his pocket. His face goes through a million emotions in the span of ten seconds, then he sighs.

“Looks like Blaine woke up and wants to see me,” He says as he gets up, “Should be fun.”

This time they share a friendlier smile and Kurt walks away, arms crossed and head down, almost like he’s trying to protect himself. Sebastian watches him and once again he sees this entire week flashing before his eyes and he realizes that he doesn’t want to see Kurt like this; he wants to see him happy. He didn’t stop to think that happiness is hard to achieve and even harder to maintain.

“Kurt!” He shouts, and Kurt immediately turns around, “I think you deserve so much better than this.”

Kurt frowns at him before a laugh escapes him, “Jesus, you really need to go to the doctor and check if you have that concussion, because there’s clearly something wrong with you up there. I’m pretty sure you’re actually going insane.”

“You have no idea, babe!” Sebastian shouts as Kurt continues to walk away.

It’s all so bittersweet, and it makes him think that maybe he wasn’t being as selfish as he thought, because Kurt is walking away and he’s not going after him; and he knows he won’t go after him. Yes, he is starting to see the appeal in all of it, but he’s not ready to get acquainted with rejection. There would be no upside for either of them, so there really is no point, is there?

*****

Sebastian is actually pleased about having to spend the entire week at his parents’ house until they finish repairs at Dalton. He likes it here, and spending time with his parents is actually way more pleasant than spending time with ninety eight percent of his classmates. He doesn’t want to admit it but the reason behind that is quite simple: He loves his parents, even when they’re tired and grumpy because their eggs burned, and being with the people you love while they’re grumpy is still better than being in a giant dining room surrounded by annoying teenage boys.

He’s arranging his books in his bookcase the next morning when his phone buzzes with a message from Kurt asking him to meet him at the Lima Bean. He literally drops everything immediately, gets dressed and runs out of the house like he’s being chased by feral dogs. He’s sure his mom asks him something while he’s on his way out, but he can barely hear her because he’s too busy being pathetic. Because of Kurt Hummel.

If he’s being honest, he already got over the fact that it’s Kurt. It’s weird as fuck but there was a moment while he was staring at the ceiling last night when he realized that if it was going to be anyone, it had to be Kurt. He’s literally the only person he’s ever been interested in, no matter if it was to hate him or for… This.

The coffee shop is almost empty when he arrives, except for Kurt waiting for him at the same table they sat two days ago, the last time they were there together. He waves at Sebastian, who waves back and is terrified of seeming too desperate, so he gets in line to buy a coffee he’s certain he will not drink just to act cool. There’s actually only one person in front of him, though, so he has his drink in less than five minutes.

He sits in front of Kurt and leans back in his chair, crossing his arms.

“So,” He says, “What do I owe the honor of this invitation?”

Kurt rolls his eyes as he plays with the lid of his cup, “Don’t try to act nonchalant in front of me, Sebastian. I think we’re way past that point. Besides, you got here so fast it’s creepy.”

“I’m at my parents’ house, so the drive is shorter.”

“Right.”

“You gonna tell me or what?” Sebastian asks, doing his best to sound disinterested, “I don’t have all day.”

Kurt’s mouth opens and he’s about to say something but he stops himself to study Sebastian’s face in that way Sebastian doesn’t like. It feels like an eternity before Kurt looks away and sighs.

“I broke up with him,” Kurt says. He looks at Sebastian again, as if to make sure he’s paying attention before he continues, “When I got to the hospital yesterday, he started babbling about these big plans he had and I asked him why he was doing it. He kept saying that it was because he loved me and I just— I told him that’s an immature way to look at things considering what we went through and that I wouldn't be with him until he got rid of that mindset,” He chews on his upper lip for a second, then adds, “I know that won’t happen.”

He keeps drinking his coffee, and at some point it starts to look like he’s keeping the cup to his lips as an excuse to not say anything else.

As for Sebastian, words can’t describe the combination of emotions in his stomach; but he does know it must be all flowers and butterflies. It’s disgusting. He manages to stay cool—or so he thinks—while Kurt looks at him through his eyelashes from the other side of the table, and it feels like they’re looking at each other for the first time.

“You asked me to come here just to tell me you broke up with your boyfriend?” He asks.

Kurt moves the cup away from his lips and, of course, licks them. Sebastian looks away for a moment because looking at him right now would probably make him suicidal.

“...Yes, I suppose,” Kurt says, “Please don’t make it weird.”

Sebastian shrugs, “I won’t.”

Now Kurt is biting his lip, and it feels like he’s testing him, because Sebastian can barely stop the urge to lean over the table and kiss him. He’s so busy thinking about this that he doesn’t realize they’re both looking at each other like fucking idiots.

Kurt seems to realize, though, because all of the sudden he looks away and gets up from his chair.

“I have to go now,” He says, “I’m sorry for making you come here just for that. I should’ve told you in a text.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Sebastian quickly replies.

It’s probably too quickly, but he doesn’t give a fuck because he simply doesn’t want Kurt to think he doesn’t want to be here with him; which must be weird for Kurt, but he still doesn’t want him to think that, because even before… This, he still liked being around him and he’s pretty sure Kurt still doesn’t understand it.

Kurt presses his lips in a smile and raises a hand as a goodbye, but Sebastian’s brain is not functioning well enough to return the gesture. However, Kurt is barely a few feet away when he stops walking and turns around.

“Hey, Sebastian,” He says, “Text me later.”

“Why?” Sebastian asks with a frown.

“Don’t ask, just text me later. If you want, of course.”

Sebastian nods, still confused by the request, “How later is later?”

“Whenever you want,” Kurt replies. He looks up for a second, and sighs before walking closer until he’s standing right in front of Sebastian, “Look, I’m leaving tomorrow morning. I won’t text you; so if you want to keep in touch, you’ll have to do it. And if you don’t… This is it. We won’t see each other or talk to each other ever again.”

Sebastian takes a few seconds to process what he’s told, and the thought of never seeing Kurt again physically hurts, “Do you want me to text you?”

“This isn’t about what I want,” Kurt shrugs, “It’s about what you want. And you’re a selfish jerk so I'm certain it’s going to be easy for you.”

Sebastian could swear there’s a certain fondness in Kurt’s voice when he calls him a ‘selfish jerk’ and it’s frankly adorable. He would’ve told him if it wasn’t that Kurt immediately turns back around and walks away.

It’s the second time he’s watched Kurt walk away from him in the past twenty-four hours, and he’s curious to find out what it’d be like to watch him walk towards him for a change.

Chapter Text

What happens next can be told in several different ways as it goes both slow and fast depending on your perspective; it has stages, levels, layers that turn the thin veil this story seemed like at the beginning into something so thick it’s hard to break through it. I could go the long route and tell you everything from beginning to end, but that would probably take a lot more time than any of us have and, eventually, we all have to move on to something else. So, for your convenience and mine, I will tell the story my way.

It starts about an hour after Kurt leaves the Lima Bean.

Sebastian can’t find the energy to leave, so he stays there and looks at the empty chair across the table for an indefinite amount of time. He has too many things to think about and too much time to spare, yet he can’t form a single coherent thought in his head. It’s all blurry; ideas, memories and feelings mixing together. It takes him too long to realize Kurt is simply turning Sebastian’s own game against him. Earlier this week he gave his number to Kurt, dared him to contact him and he fell into the trap, so he just put Sebastian in a trap of his own.

He can’t figure out what Kurt is expecting.

He’s so lost in his blurry thoughts he doesn’t notice Finn sitting right where Kurt was sitting an hour ago.

Finn looks different from yesterday, maybe because he isn’t drowning in anxiety anymore. He crosses his arms over the table and saves the pleasantries like they’re old friends, which for some reason feels like they are.

“I would approve, you know, if you guys ever wanted to…” Finn says, ending the unfinished sentence with a shrug, “It probably doesn’t matter to you but still.”

Sebastian frowns as he digests what Finn is suggesting, “Do me a favor and shut the fuck up, Hudson. You’re talking nonsense just like everyone else.”

Finn watches him with narrowed eyes for a second before sighing. Sebastian can almost hear him say ‘Here we go again’, though he’s not sure what he would mean by that if it was what he’s thinking.

“Can you just… Hear me out for a moment? Just shut up and listen for once.”

Sebastian thinks about it for a moment and shrugs as he looks down at his cup.

“Whatever.”

Finn stays quiet until he seems convinced that Sebastian won’t interrupt him, and taps his fingers over the table while he looks for the right words.

“Look, Sebastian. I think you’re sick in the head,” He says.

Awful start. It’s very fucking convenient to want him to stay quiet while he insults him, “What the fuck do you mean?”

“C’mon, you have to listen,” Finn complains, getting a sigh out of Sebastian, “Okay, I think there’s something wrong with you, man. You did crazy stuff this week and I’m sure the only person I know who’s crazier than you is Sue Sylvester. And it made me realize that you’ve done a lot of insane things for Kurt– I’m not only talking about now, I mean since you met him. He just brings out a lot of things in you and I have no idea if you want to, like, date him or something but if you do– If you do, I wouldn’t be mad. I know you're not one of those romantic guys who are gonna bring him flowers and stuff, which is what Kurt likes, but just because he likes it doesn’t mean it’s what he needs. I think he needs someone like you.”

Sebastian takes his time to process each of Finn’s words, one by one, tasting them until his tongue is numb. He’s still trying to make it make sense, but it’s still really fucking confusing to think about himself… Caring about Kurt. He knows he does, he has known it for a while, but his subconscious keeps telling him that he can’t feel that way about him; that they found each other with the sole purpose of making the other’s lives more difficult. Maybe that is true, though, because caring so much about people does nothing if not complicate things.

“So you think I’m crazy… And you think your step-brother needs someone like me.”

Finn slowly nods, “Yeah, pretty much.”

He doesn’t elaborate, he simply gets up and leaves.

Sebastian feels a little numb on the way back to his parents’ house. He has lunch with them, they talk about the mess that happened yesterday, and, of course, they get all the details wrong. He feels the need to correct them but he cannot out himself as the culprit, though he’s pretty sure his dad suspects him considering the amount of times he’s had to get him out of trouble without Sebastian’s mom, Eloise, knowing.

She cups his cheek at some point when he’s not paying attention, “I’m just happy our baby is safe; and that we get to have him home for a few days.”

“It’s actually good that he gets a break to focus on studying for his finals,” Sebastian’s dad adds.

Eloise glares at him, “Edward, give him a day or two. He deserves a break, period.”

Edward hums as he takes a look at his son, “I suppose it would be a good way to clear his head.”

He takes a sip of white wine and winks at his wife and son, and Eloise playfully hits him in the arm. It makes Sebastian smile, but he quickly stops listening to the conversation again and his mind goes back to Kurt as it so often does lately. He thinks about him and about his parents and wonders why it’s so easy for them and so hard for him. He was raised in a loving home. He’s always been loved, a lot more than he deserves; yet he can’t find a way to properly give all that love back.

There has to be something wrong with him.

Or maybe he’s just not good enough.

He goes up to his room as soon as they finish dessert; he lies on his bed and takes his phone from the nightstand, and the first thing he does is open his chat with Kurt. Of course, there’s nothing new, and Sebastian knows Kurt is a man of his word and will not message him whether he wants it or not. Sebastian wants to think that he does want it, but a part of his brain tells him that maybe Kurt is certain he will not get a message and therefore he’ll get rid of Sebastian, his eternal inconvenience.

Sebastian considers blocking him, but he can’t bring himself to do it. Instead, he stares at the previous messages and replays their in person conversations in his head; he pictures Kurt’s face, his mind painting details he didn’t even know he remembered. He hears his voice, he catches every look he missed and he wonders, and wonders, and wonders. He soon realizes he’s hurting himself with so many questions, and reminds himself that all he needs is to be rejected.

Maybe this time Kurt will tell him to fuck off for good.

So he types a message.

Sebastian:

• is this later enough

Kurt’s answer comes less than a minute later.

Kurt:

• I was actually expecting you to text as soon as I got in my car
• I’m a little disappointed

Sebastian:

• aww do you need me that much

Kurt:

• You wish
• I’m not the one who stopped you from getting engaged

Sebastian:

• i'm already regretting it

Kurt:

• No you’re not

Sebastian:

• what makes you say that
• i was being nice and i really don’t like being nice

Kurt:

• Why did you do something you don’t like
• For me specifically
• It makes no sense
• Just like it makes no sense that I’m talking to you rn

Sebastian:

• idk i guess it was because i thought we were doing better

Kurt:

• You thought that since before this started?
• That also makes no sense

Sebastian:

• jesus
• then i’m the insufferable one

Kurt:

• Ok sorry
• I’m just confused by all of this
• But that’s not necessarily bad
• I mean we are doing better now
• Right?

Sebastian:

• i hope so
• that’s why i texted you

Kurt:

• Maybe we should start over, don’t you think?

Sebastian:

• sounds like a plan :)

Two weeks later

As time keeps moving it stops feeling like Sebastian is leaving things behind, and he starts feeling things approaching. He never thought he’d look forward to what’s ahead of him but somehow he is, not only about things like graduation and college, but also about… No, he can’t be nonchalant when speaking about this. The truth is every morning when he wakes up the first thing he does is check his phone in case he got any texts from Kurt. That is the thing he’s looking forward to. Who gives a fuck about college?

They spent the entirety of Sunday night talking about some old movie Kurt watched with Santana. Sebastian doesn’t know much about movies, especially not the old ones, but Kurt is so articulate when talking about it that it makes him feel like he knows everything about it. Kurt thanks him for listening because Santana fell asleep in the middle of it and he doesn’t want to bother anyone. Apparently he doesn’t mind bothering Sebastian, but that’s because he doesn’t know that talking to him is always the highlight of Sebastian’s day.

He knows he’s past the point of no return and it’s getting scary, because he has no idea of what he’s doing. Though he’s not sure if he has to do anything.

There’s no new texts when he wakes up, but there are two when he comes back to his room after showering.

Monday.

7:35 a.m.

Kurt:

• I’m begging those producers to call Rachel because living with her right now is a nightmare
• Santana is seriously considering putting a pillow over her head while she sleeps

Sebastian:

• i’m with santana
• what happened now

Kurt:

• Brody broke up with her last night for being a nightmare

Sebastian:

• good for him

Kurt:

• Yeah good for him but bad for us

Sebastian:

• keep me updated i need to be the first to know when santana murders her
• send me some pictures of the crime scene

Sebastian goes on with his day but it feels wrong. Everything feels wrong these past few days, like there’s something important missing. He doesn’t want to admit it, but he really misses the sense of purpose he had for that insane week, and, most of all, he misses seeing Kurt everyday. He enjoys texting him but it’s not the same thing. He tries to ignore that Nick clearly noticed and that he and Jeff are now making an effort to hang out with him more after class.

Sometimes even Finn shows up because apparently they’re friends now. Sebastian has also been texting Finn, by the way. Finn sends him funny videos everyday and he pretends that they’re not that funny even though sometimes he’s cackling alone in his room and it’s ridiculous. But he likes him a lot. And he likes that sometimes they end up talking about Kurt and it’s like he gets a peek behind the scenes, so it’s like looking at an afterimage of him.

12:29 p.m.

Kurt:

• Guess what

Sebastian:

• is rachel dead

Kurt:

• No she’s Fanny Brice
• Living with her is slightly less nightmarish now but wait til she starts being a diva

Sebastian:

• isn’t she always a divskjjskdj

Kurt:

• Sebastian
• Are you ok?

1:01 p.m.

Sebastian:

• i was in the middle of a history exam and the teacher thought i was cheating so he took my phone

Kurt:

• You text during exams? Seriously?

Sebastian:

• i finished it in like 5 minutes what else was i supposed to do
• i was bored
• i have also never cheated in my entire academic career

Kurt:

• LOL I don’t believe you

Sebastian:

• wow i thought you had a better image of me at this point
• i’m telling the truth

Kurt:

• Trust me I do have a better image of you
• I’m not plotting your murder anymore

Sebastian:

• wait what

Ominous yet weirdly relieving.

the following week

Sebastian has developed the bad habit of talking to Kurt.

Not just listening, but also telling him about his day and stupid shit like that. He even sends him pictures of the pancakes with weird shapes they serve for breakfast sometimes and of the Warblers sleeping during their now useless meetings, or random selfies with Finn when they hang out. It’s stupid. It makes him feel stupid. Kurt seems to like it but that only makes it worse, because it eventually makes Sebastian realize that he keeps doing it because Kurt likes it.

Now Kurt is the first one to find out about everything.

Wednesday.

3:53 p.m.

Sebastian:

• finished my final exam!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• graduation let’s fucking gooooooo!!!!!!!!

Kurt:

• GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!

Sebastian:

• we’re having a little party at nick’s house on saturday
• us, jeff, a few other warblers and finn is going to join us

Kurt:

• Are you guys just going to smoke weed and get drunk

Sebastian:

• duh that’s the definition of a party

Kurt:

• Don’t let Finn smoke too much

Sebastian:

• why

Kurt:

• Don’t ask
• You’re in charge of him now
• If I find out he smoked too much I will fucking murder you <3

Sebastian:

• ngl it sounds hot coming from you

Kurt:

• Shut the fuck up

Sebastian:

• are we sexting rn

Kurt:

• GOODBYE

It takes Sebastian a minute to realize how big he’s smiling.

Fuck.

Friday.

4:45 p.m.

Kurt:

• I’m in hell

Sebastian:

• so am i
• what happened now

Kurt:

• Santana is Rachel’s understudy in Funny Girl
• I’m scared

Sebastian:

• i can help you kill them if you want

Kurt:

• Thank you for the offer
• I’ll think about it

Sunday.

7:26 p.m.

Kurt:

• Sooooooo Rachel left
• She thinks i’m a traitor and moved in with Elliott

Sebastian:

• at least you’ll have some peace and quiet
• is elliott the guy you told me about
• the hot one

Kurt:

• Yeah that’s him

Sebastian:

• have you fucked him yet

Kurt:

• No and I told you I won’t

Sebastian:

• give me the details when you do

Kurt:

• Fuck you

Sebastian:

• you wish

Sebastian has to admit he doesn’t like being the friend sometimes.

a week and a half after that

Last time Sebastian heard from Kurt was on Friday night, right before he went to some party with Rachel, Santana, her new girlfriend, and Elliott. Kurt said he’d text him later but he didn’t. In fact, it’s Tuesday and he still hasn’t.

Tuesday.

9:21 a.m.

Sebastian:

• you haven’t talked to me since friday and it’s scaring me
• i’ve seen you online so i know you’re not dead but still what if it’s your kidnapper

There’s no reply. He looks at his phone every two minutes during class, hoping to get a text, and he’s seriously getting scared that Kurt ghosted him for some unknown reason when he finally gets an answer. 

11:33 a.m.

Kurt:

• We both know you’re not scared you just want gossip

Sebastian:

• hmm
• the fact that you haven’t told me anything says that there is something to tell

Kurt:

• God shut up

Sebastian:

• ooooooohhhhh you totally fucked him
• details details details

Please no details. I’m asking because I’m your friend but if you give me details I will kill myself.

Kurt:

• I did not
• The reason I haven’t talked to you is that Rachel and Santana got into a fight

Phew.

Sebastian:

• i already know that

Kurt:

• No I mean a physical fight
• They were drunk and Rachel started yelling at Santana
• Santana got mad and well
• All of the sudden they were like two wild cats fighting in an alley

Sebastian:

• holy shit
• is rachel okay

Kurt:

• Yeah she’s surprisingly good at defending herself
• We stopped the fight and now we’re trying to keep them away from each other
• I’m in charge of Santana so I have my hands full

Sebastian:

• they should fuck

Kurt:

• …What?

Sebastian:

• nothing better than some rough hate sex to resolve all those issues

Kurt:

• You’re actually insane

Sebastian is both happy and devastated that he and Kurt didn’t need to do that to be okay. Now all he can do is dream about what it would feel like to have some angry hateful sex with Kurt. He actually thinks about it a lot and he’s convinced it would’ve been the hottest thing ever.

Maybe he could make Kurt hate him again with that sole purpose.

Now that’s insane.

Saturday.

10:35 p.m.

Sebastian:

• are you gonna see your friends at nationals next week

Kurt:

• I’d like to be there for Finn and the others but nope
• I don’t want to see Blaine again. At least not yet

Sebastian:

• i figured
• that was actually just an icebreaker
• you’ve been quiet this week and i’ve been overthinking it

Kurt:

• You actually care about whether i talk to you or not?

Sebastian:

• don’t think too highly of yourself
• i just got used to it so it feels weird

Sunday.

00:23 a.m.

Kurt:

• I’m not mad at you or anything in case that’s what you’re worried about

Sebastian:

• i wasn’t worried but thanks

Kurt:

• Of course :)

Plot twist: Sebastian was, in fact, really fucking worried about it.

He’s starting to need Kurt the same way an addict needs their drug. He needs him even though he can’t see him, even though he can’t have him.

Monday.

7:35 a.m.

Kurt:

• Good morning
• I need help

Sebastian:

• are you okay

Kurt:

• Yeah I just need your opinion on something
• [photo]
• [photo]
• Which one looks better?

Holy shit.

Oh, fuck.

Why?

It takes Sebastian a moment to look at the photos because he needs to be mentally prepared. He takes a couple deep breaths before scrolling up to see them and… Oh God. Kurt is in front of a mirror in both photos, wearing the same shirt in different colors. One is peach and the other is baby blue, or so he thinks, because he’s way too distracted with the fact that the shirts are transparent enough to show some skin. It’s the most he’s ever seen—and possibly the most he will ever see—of Kurt’s silhouette, the delicate lines of his body drawn under the shirt, as gorgeous as he imagined. He looks hot. And all Sebastian can think of is how much he would like to take his clothes off and let his hands explore his body with the help of his mouth.

God. He really wants to fuck him.

Sebastian:

• the baby blue one looks better on you :)

Sunday.

5:19 p.m.

Kurt:

• I wanted it to be a surprise but I can’t wait
• I’m gonna be in Ohio for my friends’ graduation this week!!!!

Sebastian:

• omg really??? 
• i thought you wouldn’t because
• you know

Kurt:

• I thought about it but I want to be there for my friends
• He doesn’t matter

Sebastian:

• you’re a great friend :)

Kurt:

• Are you complimenting me?

Sebastian:

• don’t ruin it
• when do you get here

Kurt:

• I’ll be there tomorrow
• I plan on spending the entire week there
• I miss my dad

As Sebastian tries to catch his breath, he considers his options: He could play it cool, be as nonchalant as possible, wait for Kurt to ask, risking the possibility of Kurt not asking. Or he could just…

Sebastian:

• do you think we can see each other or something

Kurt:

• Yes of course :)
• I was actually about to ask

*****

Monday

Sebastian wants to die.

He’s sitting at the Lima Bean with an iced coffee in front of him, looking at the time every two seconds, and he wants to die.

He hasn’t come here since the last time he met with Kurt here. It used to be their natural habitat but now there’s something sacred about it that Sebastian doesn’t want to disturb. It’s their place and he won’t dare to step a foot in it if it isn’t with him. So even waiting for him on his own feels weird.

Not to mention he’s really fucking terrified because it’s the first time they’ll see each other since then and he’ll probably mess up and Kurt will see the disconnection between the Sebastian he texts and real life Sebastian and he will realize that he doesn’t like him. Or worse, he will start hating him again and this time it will be unfixable. He needs to be what Kurt expects from him. He needs to be perfect for and to him.

He wants Kurt to look at him and see something worth looking at.

The door opens and it feels like the world stops as he steps into the coffee shop. He looks radiant, so gorgeous it feels like he’s too good to be looked at by any living creature. He looks around and their eyes meet, and Kurt greets him with a kind smile. It makes Sebastian finally realize what a long way they’ve come, because a year ago Kurt would’ve stabbed him with a look. And Sebastian’s heartbeat wouldn’t be pulsating in his ears nor would his hands start sweating like this at the sight of him.

Kurt walks to the counter to order and he has a brief chat with the cashier, who asks him how he’s been doing. A few minutes later he’s walking towards the table Sebastian is at, and sits in front of him. Sebastian is grateful he doesn’t try to hug him or anything, because he would’ve passed out or thrown up on him out of anxiety.

“Have you been waiting for long?” Kurt asks.

Sebastian can’t find his own voice for a moment, “No! No, I mean… Just a few minutes.”

Kurt catches the straw of his iced coffee with his mouth and his tongue curls around it for a second while he doesn’t break eye contact. Sebastian is one hundred percent sure it’s not intentional, but it’s still hot as fuck, which is very inconvenient because they’re in a public place and he doesn’t want to go through an unwanted situation because this fucking guy can’t stop being hot. Is there a polite way to tell him to stop without letting him know that he thinks he’s hot?

He can’t help but wonder what he could do with his tongue.

The sound of him drinking through the straw wakes him up, “Good. I wouldn’t want to keep you waiting,” He says, then he stops to look at Sebastian for a moment, “How are you doing?”

Sebastian opens his mouth but nothing comes out. Jesus, since when is it hard for him to speak?

“I’m doing good; classes are done and graduation is on Friday, so, uh, I’m packing to go back home for good,” He says after a moment; then he stops because there’s something he thought about all the way here and he doesn’t know if it’s too bold to ask. What the hell, just do it, “You know, there’s gonna be a party at David’s house tomorrow night. I know tomorrow is a Tuesday but it’s our way to celebrate the fact that we’re no longer ruled by the days of the week. And, well, I was wondering if you wanted to come. It’s okay if not, I know you want to spend time with your family.”

Kurt nods as Sebastian speaks, and drinks a bit more of his coffee before replying, “I really like how you guys give a deeper symbolism to parties instead of just… Getting wasted without giving a fuck. Very private school of you.”

“You can get the boys out of the private school, but you can’t get the private school out of the boys,” Sebastian jokes, “So?”

Kurt chuckles, “I’d be happy to join you.”

“Who would’ve thought the old Betty White would be familiar with the concept of fun?” Sebastian surprises himself by saying because they don’t really make fun of each other anymore, right? Or is it an unalterable part of their dynamic? This whole thing is very confusing.

He wants to take it back, but Kurt is still smiling as he rolls his eyes, “Who would’ve thought you were capable of having fun while going to parties that don’t involve orgies?”

Sebastian raises an eyebrow, “What makes you think this isn’t one of those parties?”

“If it was you wouldn’t have invited me,” Kurt replies.

“Says who?” This is bad. Really fucking bad.

Kurt raises his eyebrows and stares at him, but he doesn’t look mad at all. In fact, he looks quite amused. As he stirs his drink with the straw, he says, “So you’re flirting now.”

That’s the opposite of what Sebastian expected, so he’s taken aback for a second. There’s something really weird about realizing how confident Kurt is now. But of course he is, he’s hot and he knows he’s hot, which is also weird because a part of Sebastian still sees him as the boy he was a year ago. He’s a man now. And Sebastian has been a man for longer than he should, so now they’re standing at the same level, looking at each other from a different angle.

Actually, what catches Sebastian’s attention the most is that it’s been too little time for this improvement to occur; which can only mean that Blaine was holding him back, making him hide inside a shell he’d already outgrown.

“Haven’t I always?” Sebastian replies.

Kurt hums, “For someone who fucks like a rabbit you sure have no idea how flirting works.”

“When you look like me you don’t have to worry a lot about flirting,” Sebastian says, “Guys usually bend over before I even talk to them.”

“Classy.”

Sebastian chuckles and they share a smile, “So are you coming?” He asks, “To the party, I mean.”

Kurt nods, “I already told you I’m going.”

“Even if it ends up in a nasty Warbler orgy?” Sebastian asks.

Kurt tilts his head, pretending to think about it, while he twirls the straw inside his mouth. Why doesn’t he leave that fucking straw alone? Does he know what he’s doing to Sebastian? Maybe he does and that’s why he doesn’t stop. Sebastian is so distracted looking at Kurt’s mouth he barely hears him say, “In case that happens, I’ll be prepared to flee the scene as soon as possible because I couldn’t be less interested.”

“Hmm,” Is the only noise Sebastian manages to make. He can’t stop looking at Kurt’s mouth and he’s pretty sure that at this point it’s obvious. There’s no way Kurt hasn’t noticed but Sebastian doesn’t really care right now.

“You look a little distracted,” Kurt’s voice wakes him up, “Are you okay?”

Sebastian sighs, “Yeah, yeah. I’m just thinking about, uh– I have to move out before Thursday so I probably should finish packing,” He’s tempted to ask Kurt for help, but the thought of him in his room where his bed is… No, that wouldn’t be good. His mind would start making up scenarios and it would be a disaster.

“Right,” Kurt says, “You should go, then. It’s a shame that you can’t stay longer.”

Sebastian nods, “Yeah, I’d like to stay but– At least we’ll spend time together tomorrow, right? I’ll pick you up.”

“Great. Text me the time,” Kurt replies with a smile.

Sebastian gets up and walks around the table towards Kurt. He isn’t even planning to do anything, but it’s like his body needs to be closer, and he puts a hand on the table right next to Kurt’s and looks down at him while Kurt looks up at him, and it’s a beautiful sight. However, Sebastian just smiles before walking away, fully aware of the fact that he must’ve looked like an idiot.

But when doesn’t he?

He tries not to think much about it as he focuses on packing for the rest of the day. Heavy on the tries, because he doesn’t exactly succeed. He ends up with his headphones on, muttering song lyrics to himself while his mind kept drawing Kurt’s face, so clear now that it stopped being a memory. He thinks about him wearing one of those mesh shirts and tight pants that probably wouldn’t leave a lot to the imagination, though Sebastian doesn’t really have a problem using his imagination. And he starts wondering what he will be wearing tomorrow night.

Stop.

He ends up asking Nick and Jeff to watch a movie with him downstairs in the common room. The Parent Trap is a good distraction because Sebastian keeps trying to figure out how they filmed the scenes with the twins if Lindsay Lohan doesn’t have a twin, because it looks a little too realistic for a 90s movie and it fucking freaks him out. 

Tuesday

Sebastian and the boys end up making up conspiracy theories about the movie, and, next thing they know, it’s morning and they’re waking up on the couch.

It’s too late for breakfast, so they go get something to eat at a coffee shop nearby; then Sebastian does some more packing until lunchtime. He texts Kurt a picture of the unseasoned chicken and sticky rice they’re served at Dalton that day.

Sebastian:

• [photo]
• they’re not even trying anymore

Kurt:

• LOL
• Do you really think they have the energy to cook after you traumatized them
• Eat that chicken and repent for your sins

Sebastian:

• i hate you

Kurt:

• I hate you too

Sebastian:

• maybe “i hate you” will be our always

Kurt:

• Shut up

He doesn’t notice Nick and Jeff sitting next to him, one on each side, he just feels Jeff’s breath against his cheek.

“Of course you’re talking to Kurt,” He says, “You’re always smiling like an idiot when you talk to him.”

“Leave him alone,” Nick says, “He’s in love.”

Sebastian turns off his phone screen before putting it face down on the table, “I’m not.”

“You were saying his name in your sleep last night,” Nick says, “It was cute, actually.”

Sebastian rolls his eyes, pockets his phone and walks away from them to go to the kitchen and ask Lucy for a sandwich. It’s ironic, but they all see him as a hero after what happened because he technically saved their lives, even though he quite literally caused the danger they experienced. He can’t tell them, of course, though he still tries not to take too much advantage of the privileges they’ve given him; but this time he needs to eat something with taste.

He walks behind the bar and enters the kitchen, where Lucy is cleaning alone, “Hey, Luce. I was wondering if–”

“Way ahead of you,” Lucy says as she quickly opens the fridge and takes out a sandwich wrapped in aluminium foil and hands it to him, “Roast beef.”

“You know me so well,” Sebastian says as he unwraps it.

He asks Lucy for a soda, and he goes up to his room to eat. It’s one of the most delicious things he’s ever eaten in this place and it makes him think about how unfair it is that tuition is so expensive and they have such bland food. It doesn’t matter, though, because he’ll be out of here in two days and the school’s food quality will be someone else’s problem. In the meantime, he’s simply enjoying his sandwich.

At least until he gets a message from the Warblers group chat.

David:

• Blaine confirmed!!
• Kurt is also coming so that’s a full Warblers party.
• The last of a generation.

What the fuck?

Sebastian:

• what makes you think having these two in the same place is a good idea

Nick:

• Seb is right
• Doesn’t sound like a good idea

Trent:

• They’re mature adults
• I’m sure it’ll be ok

Sebastian:

• one of them hasn’t even graduated high school

They keep talking about it, but Sebastian doesn’t care enough to keep talking or reading. All he cares about is that his plans for tonight may be ruined. Before he even talks to Kurt, he’s already decided that he’ll find new plans for them if he has to. He could take him to a decent bar or they could watch a movie together or they could do whatever Kurt wants to do because he just needs to see him again.

He quickly types a message.

Sebastian:

• hey
• we have a problem

Kurt:

• What did you do this time

Sebastian:

• believe it or not i didn’t do anything
• it’s about the party
• i just found out blaine is going

Kurt:

• Oh
• Makes sense

Sebastian:

• do you still want to go or should we do something else
• it’s up to you

Kurt:

• That’s sweet
• But let’s go to the party

Sebastian:

• cool
• i’ll pick you up at 7:30

Kurt:

• Don’t be late :)

Sebastian feels a quick shot of adrenaline run through his veins and burst in his heart. He’s ecstatic to know Kurt wants to spend time with him enough to endure the torture of seeing his ex again. It’s flattering and satisfying and, for once, he feels like he won. Unless…

Oh, no. What if he’s going because it’s the perfect excuse to see Blaine again without making it obvious that he wants to see him? What if Sebastian is simply a means to an end?

Back to being the pathetic piece of shit who will never be chosen by the only guy that matters to him. But it’s fine because he’s used to it and he will get to spend time with him anyway. It would be ideal if Blaine had a car accident on his way to the party, though.

However, Sebastian’s biggest concern is his need to look even better than usual. His wardrobe isn’t helping because, though Sebastian is quite happy with it, he’s aware that Kurt fucking hates it. He has nothing else to wear and it makes him realize that he has the wardrobe of a cartoon character.

It’s sunny and hot outside, but he has no choice other than to put a sweatshirt over his shirt. The popped collar is intact simply because it does look good over it. Once that’s settled he realizes he still has to fix his hair because it’s at that weird growing stage where it refuses to behave. He already got the trick to make it look good but it’s honestly a pain in the ass, which is why he promised himself a while ago that he won’t ever shave his head again.

By 5 p.m. he looks and smells amazing. He takes one final look in the mirror before leaving to pick up Kurt.

He gets there 15 minutes earlier which is kind of embarrassing. He doesn’t want to look too desperate, but he also knows Kurt must be ready by now and he’s been thinking about what he’ll be wearing to the party since last night, so he’s a little too enthusiastic about seeing him… So yeah, he is desperate.

He stops in front of his house and gets out of the car, walking around it to lean back against it, feet crossed as he texts Kurt that he’s here because he doesn’t only need to look good, he also needs to look cool.

Kurt sees the text immediately, so Sebastian pockets his phone and crosses his arms hoping he looks cool instead of constipated. There’s a fine line between those two and crossing it could be devastating for his image, because it would make it look like he’s nervous. Which he is, but Kurt doesn’t need to know.

Sebastian’s eyes are fixated on the closed front door of the Hudmel house, and it feels like it’s been forever when it opens and Kurt steps out of the house. And… Well, he should’ve imagined that a house party with the Warblers wouldn’t stop him from doing his best to look amazing. Of course, Kurt’s best is pure perfection and Sebastian is so taken aback by it he forgets that he has to look cool.

“You’re early,” Kurt enthusiastically says.

He’s wearing the same baby blue shirt from the photo he sent him a while ago. Without anything under it. And it turns out that in the picture he couldn’t see it’s actually cropped, so there’s a bit of bare skin exposed whenever Kurt moves his arms at a certain angle. Not to mention the tight black jeans. And I mean tight. 

His ass looks fucking incredible when he turns around to lock the door.

“You’re wearing the shirt,” Sebastian says, and he feels stupid by saying it so he really hopes Kurt understands what he means, “Looks like you’re dressing for me.”

Kurt rolls his eyes as he walks towards the car, “Don’t flatter yourself. I didn’t notice when I packed it and I wasn’t really planning to go to a Warbler party.”

“You were certainly planning something,” Sebastian says as he turns around to open the car door.

Kurt shrugs right before getting into the car, “Maybe I was just thinking about going out.”

Sebastian keeps the door open, and his eyes can’t help but wander all over Kurt’s body, “Alone?”

“I wouldn’t refuse some company if offered.”

Sebastian swallows hard as he shuts the door. The thought of Kurt going out possibly looking for a hookup makes him feel sick to his stomach; but the thought of going out together and dancing with him, getting to feel him close and touch him if Kurt allows it… It’s intoxicating. 

He gets into the car in the driver’s side and sits down in silence for a moment before turning to look at Kurt, who has a curious look in his eye. Not the same type of curiosity Sebastian feels, though. He gets the urge to ask him to skip the party and go somewhere else, wherever they can be alone, but he fears it’d be useless if Kurt doesn’t have the same idea and they end up awkwardly sitting in the car. He also gets the urge to kiss him right now. He chews on his lip really hard to bring himself back to reality and turns on the engine.

They don’t talk much on the way and Sebastian is grateful for it. The only sounds filling the car are the radio playing and Kurt singing along with a voice sweeter than he could’ve imagined, and it’s pleasant enough to not care about anything else.

When they get to David’s house, there’s already loud music playing through the speakers while most of the boys are in the living room with drinks in their hands, either talking–or shouting–over the music or dancing around the room. There’s a few hellos, handshakes and quick hugs as they walk into the room filled with colored lights, but some of the boys are too immersed in whatever they’re doing to notice their presence. Everyone is already here, apparently… Including Blaine, who’s sitting on the couch talking to a few of the guys. Sebastian tries to ignore him and looks around for Nick and Jeff, who are standing in a corner and it looks like they’re flirting.

Sebastian sighs before turning to look at Kurt, who’s also looking around the room like he’s looking for something. Is he trying to find Blaine? Fuck.

“Hey, c’mon,” Sebastian says, nodding in his friends’ direction, and Kurt nods before closely following him. It looks like the boys are in their own world and don’t even notice them approach, “Get a room, guys.”

They both turn to look at them, and Kurt is the first one to earn a pair of looks that make Sebastian feel weirdly possessive. He tries to shake it off as he barely hears Nick tell Kurt, “Looking good!”

Kurt awkwardly thanks him and Jeff says something Sebastian doesn’t hear and it’s annoying because the music is loud enough to earn a visit from the cops. Thank god they’re not doing hard drugs or anything. As far as he knows, that is.

“Why is it so fucking loud?” Sebastian shouts, “I’ll be deaf before I leave!”

“Maybe you should take your date somewhere else!” Jeff shouts back.

“Yeah!” Nick adds, “I’m sure Kurt would agree!”

“Do you guys want me to leave?” Kurt asks, slightly concerned.

Sebastian leans towards Kurt, “They’re just messing with me, don’t worry about it,” Kurt turns his head to look at him and their faces are closer than Sebastian would like. I’m talking about kissing distance, and he really doesn’t know if he can stop himself for long. He quickly looks away and leans towards the boys, “I’ll take my date away from you!”

He grabs Kurt’s wrist and pulls him away from them, guiding him towards an empty space because he’s selfishly realized that he invited him here with the intention of having him all to himself. He also doesn’t want Kurt near the couches because that would mean he’d be near Blaine and he would kill that guy if he dared to ruin this for him, which would be inconvenient because Kurt wouldn’t forgive him if he actually killed his ex.

He turns around when they reach their destination and finds Kurt smiling, “If you wanted to spend some time alone with me you could’ve just asked!”

Sebastian is glad there’s colored lights around them because he’d be mortified to death if Kurt saw how much he’s blushing right now. He swallows hard and leans to speak in Kurt's ear, “I just thought it’d be nice to come here but I’m starting to think it was a mistake.”

It takes him a moment to realize that he didn’t only lean towards Kurt; he’s also holding his waist, fingertips touching the cold skin under his shirt, and he feels the need to hold him tighter and pull him close, but as he’s had to stop himself from many things lately, he stop himself from this too. He still doesn’t let go when he moves back hoping to see Kurt’s reaction, who doesn’t seem to mind the physical contact. So Sebastian keeps his hands right where they are.

Kurt is the one who leans in his direction this time, “Maybe it’ll be better if we get some drinks and join the others.”

He slips away from Sebastian’s touch and this time he’s the one who grabs his wrist and drags him away. They exit the living room and Kurt turns to his right pretending to know where he’s going, and Sebastian doesn’t tell him where the kitchen is because he likes Kurt’s light touch around his wrist, and he likes it even more when Kurt’s hand slowly moves down and their fingers intertwine.

They end up in the kitchen eventually, which is actually on the opposite side of where Kurt was going, right behind the dining room. The dining table is full of empty bags of snacks and spilled liquids, but the kitchen is where the sealed stuff is. Of course, there were drinks in the living room so there was no need to come all the way here, but Sebastian knows Kurt wouldn’t pour himself a drink from a bottle that was probably in somebody’s mouth.

It physically hurts when Kurt lets go of his hand. And Sebastian has no idea what he puts in their cups because he’s just too busy watching him, brows furrowed adorably as he gracefully moves around, picking up bottles and reading their labels before discarding them.

Kurt offers him a red solo cup, “Cheers.”

“Aren’t we going to join the others?” Sebastian asks as he looks inside his cup. It looks harmless, but it smells a lot more like vodka than it does of the strawberry juice it’s mixed with.

“I’m not joining them sober.”

“Very wise of you.”

“Hmm,” Kurt hums as he chugs a good portion of his drink, “Why didn’t you invite me somewhere else?”

“I asked you if you wanted to go somewhere else,” Sebastian reminds him.

Kurt sighs and looks away, leaning against the counter, pursed lips as he seems to be looking for the right words, “Yeah, you asked me but you didn’t invite me somewhere else.”

Sebastian nods. He’s not sure he gets it. If he wanted to go somewhere else, couldn’t he just say it?

“Did you want to go somewhere else?” He asks.

Kurt shrugs. He’s actively avoiding Sebastian’s eyes, pretending to be distracted looking at the inside of his cup, “I’m just curious.”

Sebastian’s stomach turns and tenses, and there’s a tickling sensation below. All of the sudden it’s like the music has faded and they’re surrounded by nothing but silence and the sound of their heartbeats. Kurt’s is calm and melodic, somehow, while Sebastian’s is loud and erratic. There is something in Kurt’s voice, something he can’t describe, something that makes everything harder than it already was.

This time he can’t stop himself, “Did you want us to be alone?”

Kurt looks up slowly, brows still slightly furrowed in a curious expression, and their eyes finally meet, “Did you?”

“I don’t know,” Sebastian is so fucking scared of saying the wrong thing he can’t bring himself to tell him the truth as much as he wants to, but he also doesn’t want Kurt to think he didn’t want to be alone with him. Why is this so fucking complicated? He doesn’t know how to explain himself, so he simply says, “We could’ve gone wherever you wanted.”

Kurt nods as a nearly unnoticeable smile appears on his lips, “You’re cute when you’re nervous.”

He pours some more vodka into his cup and walks out of the kitchen.

Sebastian is left dizzy and confused and he’s ninety percent sure it’s not because of his drink. He tries to process what he just heard and try to find words that rhyme because there’s no way Kurt just called him cute. He tells himself to calm down and takes the half empty bottle of vodka with him to the living room, takes a deep breath before stepping a foot inside in case Kurt is already there, but as soon as he looks around for him he wishes he didn’t.

Behind the couch there’s Kurt standing with his drink in hand, leaning towards Blaine, who’s talking to him and making big gestures with his hands to emphasize his words over the loud music. Kurt attentively watches him and nods, a soft smile on his face that makes it look almost like he’s enjoying his presence.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Sebastian tightens the grip around the bottle and walks out of the living room. He goes upstairs to be alone because there’s no fucking way he’s talking to anyone down there. None of the boys know what really happened, so most of them must be happy to see these two talking, especially considering a few weeks ago there was this whole discussion during one of the Warblers meetings about whether they’d get back together or not.

He finds himself in what looks like a guest room, he slams the door shut and sits on the bed, chugging vodka straight from the bottle. He misses back when he started drinking and it burned his throat, having an instant effect on him, but right now it’s like he’s drinking water with a bitter aftertaste. At least he knows it will do something later, and if he’s lucky he will peacefully pass out. If not… He will have to deal with the consequences. He doesn’t give a fuck.

Of course Kurt only wants his attention when he isn’t around. He’ll always be the second option, and, worst of all, now he’s turned himself into some kind of best friend, if Kurt even considers him a friend. It’s not a place he will exit easily, and, even if he does, their relationship is so sensitive to changes he could lose him forever. And he prefers to be silently friendzoned instead of losing him, so this is his life now and apparently he must accept it.

Fucking bullshit.

He’s dizzy from the alcohol but not enough for it to drown everything else. He wants to drown everything else before he bursts into tears and screams to the fucking top of his lungs until he has no voice. However, he’s taking sips now to avoid alcohol poisoning, staring at his feet and a bottle that shouldn’t be as empty as it is. It feels like his night ends like this until the door opens.

“Seb?” Kurt asks. His voice sends a shiver down Sebastian’s spine, but he doesn’t turn around even when he hears the door slowly close and Kurt’s soft steps over the carpet, “Are you okay? I’ve been looking for you.”

Sebastian finally dares to look at him and finds a genuinely worried expression on his face, like he has no idea of what’s going on. But he has to know, right? He’s smart, too perceptive for his own good. He has to know how much he’s hurting him. Sebastian gets up and places the bottle on the nightstand before taking a firm step to make sure he’s not too dizzy, then he keeps walking.

“You make me feel like shit,” He points a finger directly at Kurt, and those words feel like the truest thing he’s said in months, maybe even in his entire life, “You’re always making me feel like shit about myself and I’m fucking sick of it.”

Kurt frowns. He really looks like he has no fucking idea, “Why did you invite me here then?”

That’s fucking it. He can’t do this anymore. He needs to scream and punch something until his knuckles bleed, until he can’t feel his fingers and the pain in his wrists is so intense he can’t think about anything else, because there’s no way they’ve gone through all this shit for it to end up like this, drunk in a strange room, looking at each other in the dark while Kurt doesn’t even notice that he would do anything for him.

“Because I fucking miss you!” He shouts, “Being away from you is fucking torture but everytime I see you I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world because you’re so fucking good and I’m not! I’m a piece of shit and there’s something fucking rotting inside me and I will never be good enough for you!”

Ask me what I have to do. Please ask me what I have to do. I’ll do anything. Please.

He doesn’t know if it’s a thought or he said it out loud.

And he doesn’t know if he walked towards Kurt or the other way around, but now they’re face to face and he can see Kurt’s eyes shining in the dark, a single tear rolling down his cheek. Why is he sad? He shouldn’t be sad. He’s not the one who feels like this. He’s not the one who would rather fucking die than loving him so much it feels like he’s being skinned alive all day, everyday. He’s not the one who will never be good enough.

“Seb,” Kurt whispers.

Sebastian cups Kurt’s face with both hands. His skin is soft and his cheeks are warm because of the alcohol and wet because of… Why is his face wet? It takes him a moment to notice him crying more than one single tear, and Sebastian doesn’t know how to comfort him. All he knows is he wants him close, he wants to touch his skin even if it means feeling the stickiness of the drying tears he caused against the palms of his hands.

“You’re so perfect,” He whispers back, “Why are you so perfect?” Then he presses his lips against Kurt’s, who sort of returns the kiss, though it might be Sebastian’s imagination because there’s not much of a reaction besides that. In fact, Kurt stays completely still and when Sebastian lets him go he finds Kurt looking back at him like he’s a wounded animal, “I’m so sorry, Kurt. I shouldn’t have–”

There’s not a noticeable before and after moment. No transition, no change from one second to the next; like they’ve been like this forever except Sebastian knows it’s starting now because if it wasn’t he would’ve noticed. It doesn’t really matter, though, because all that matters is that at some unspecified moment in time, Kurt kissed him back and their lips are still pressed against each other.

Sebastian’s first drunken thought is that Kurt is doing it to shut him up. But when he opens his mouth and Sebastian feels his tongue against his own and tastes the sweet drink Kurt was having downstairs, he tilts his head to taste him better and he’s met by the bitter aftertaste of vodka hidden under the mix of soft flavors, and Kurt breathes heavily through his nose as he grabs Sebastian’s sweatshirt and pulls him closer… That’s when the fact that they’re kissing truly hits Sebastian, both like a gentle slap to his cheek to wake him up and a punch to the face. And all of the sudden they’re stumbling around the room without letting go of each other until they end up sitting on a leather couch near the window.

They don’t stop kissing until Kurt pulls away to catch his breath, and they make eye contact for not more than a few seconds before Kurt swallows hard and leans in to kiss Sebastian’s neck as his hand lets go of his sweatshirt and rests on his knee. Sebastian feels the tickly tension of Kurt sucking into his skin and closes his eyes, his hands now moving down to his waist. Kurt seems to be in a rush, or perhaps he’s too hungry for something; because in no time he’s kissing Sebastian’s jaw, all the way to his chin as he looks for his mouth, and it’s like he’s devouring him.

Sebastian lets his hands move from Kurt’s waist down to his hips and the curve of his ass as Kurt’s hand moves from his knee to his thigh. And as the touch begins to feel real—and I mean real —, he realizes that this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. They’re both drunk and probably won’t even remember this in the morning. And Kurt most likely doesn’t even want him, maybe this is simply the product of loneliness; and Sebastian is there, pathetic and available, willing to do anything to have him close. 

But what the hell, he’ll take what he can get. Maybe he won’t remember it later, but what matters is that it’s happening, and present, drunk Sebastian is experiencing it. Even after this is done and forgotten, it will be stored in his subconscious forever, and it will give him some peace of mind without him realizing. Hopefully it will also give Kurt whatever peace of mind he needs.

Wednesday

It feels like he just blinked when he hears birds chirping and he opens his eyes to the bright sunlight entering through the window to his right. He tries to move his head but his neck hurts, and he must’ve made a sound because he hears a shush in response and the softest hand he’s ever touched cups his cheek.

“Don’t move too fast,” Kurt whispers.

Right.

Sebastian’s head is resting on Kurt’s shoulder. And everything fucking hurts.

“What time is it?” He asks.

“7:15,” Kurt replies, “Sounds like we’re the early birds.”

It takes a moment for it to really sink in; the fact that it’s morning and he still remembers. And if Kurt’s lack of surprise is any indication, he remembers it too. If he didn’t, he would’ve been horrified to wake up with Sebastian’s head on his shoulder. But it’s also weird that he’s not acting weird about it, especially since Sebastian is as mortified as it gets. It’s the first time in his life he’s ever been scared to look at a guy he made out with.

He takes a deep breath and slowly moves his head up with the help of Kurt’s hand. He groans when he’s finally sitting straight, and he touches his neck, looking for the source of the pain. It turns out it’s coming from everywhere.

“Thanks,” he says.

“Do you want to eat something here or should we go to my house?” Kurt asks, “I could make you some breakfast.”

Sebastian tries to nod but it hurts so bad he has no choice but to actually turn to look at Kurt. His cheeks are a little pink, his hair disheveled, his shirt wrinkled and he has a hickey on his collarbone. He doesn’t look disturbed at all and that’s the most disturbing thing of all.

“Yeah, we should go before those fucking beasts wake up.”

Kurt chuckles softly, “Alright. I’ll go get you some water, though. Looks like you need it.”

He gets up from the couch and turns around to look at him as he walks towards the door, like he wants to make sure Sebastian is right where he left him. Sebastian presses his lips in a smile, and Kurt closes the door. He hears his steps running downstairs.

Sebastian stays there, staring at the floorboards while the idea of Kurt making him breakfast dances around his mind, so comforting yet fucking terrifying. He watches him move around the kitchen, still as disheveled as he is right now, and it makes him feel sick because it feels like he keeps taking steps forward knowing he’s not going anywhere, and the more directionless steps he takes the harder it will be to accept reality, which is that whatever he wants will never happen. Besides, Kurt will be gone at the end of the week and Sebastian will once again be left here on his own, missing him even more than he thought he ever could.

So he gets up too and leaves his car keys on the dresser, takes off his shoes to avoid making noise and tries his best to look like a human being as he goes downstairs.

He’s lucky enough to not bump into anyone on his way out because everyone is still asleep and some probably even left last night. He does hear noise coming from the kitchen, though, most likely Kurt, so he hurries towards the door. He opens and closes it as softly as he can, he puts his shoes on and runs down the sidewalk in Dalton’s direction, which is not too far. However, he’s about two houses away from the one he just left when he gets a cramp in his leg and has to sit down.

He knows this is a shitty thing to do and that Kurt will be furious when he goes back upstairs and doesn’t find him; because he was nice enough to go get him water and offer him breakfast and he won’t know why the fuck he’s nice to Sebastian when he clearly doesn’t deserve it. And he’ll be right. Sebastian doesn’t deserve anything from him.

He shouldn’t have invited Kurt to that party.

He shouldn’t have texted him at all when Kurt gave him the choice.

He walks the rest of the way carefully but fast to avoid being seen by Kurt in case he leaves immediately, and he only takes the time to breathe once he’s in the safety of his room in Dalton. He sits down on his bed and looks at the half packed boxes around him, and it’s weird to think about how there’s two years of his life inside them. Two years full of everything and nothing at the same time, but only one thing that matters, one thing he will take with him once he leaves.

Kurt. He’s not here precisely but he wouldn’t have met him if it wasn’t for this place, for the uniform carefully folded in one of those boxes.

He’s not as hungover as he thought he would be. Sure, he’s in pain for the uncomfortable position he slept in last night, but other than that he only has a mild headache and regrets. He doesn’t have any medicine for that, so he sneaks into Nick’s room to get some ibuprofen before going to the showers. His shower is lazy. He simply lets water fall over him for fifteen minutes and goes downstairs to get something to eat from the kitchen, then he sits alone in the dining room with a cup of black coffee for the hangover and a plate of chocolate chip cookies.

The cookies taste bitter to him.

He tells himself he has to finish packing. So he keeps packing and at some point he forgets what he’s doing and his hands do the job for him, giving him time to think. He thinks about the desperation with which Kurt kissed him, his sweet breath against his face, the tears rolling down his face, his taste and the sensation of his tongue against the roof of his mouth. He can still feel his lips, his teeth and tongue on his neck. Oh.

He runs to the closet and opens the door to look at his reflection in the mirror inside, and there are a couple of very well done hickeys that will surely take a while to fade. Huh.

No distractions. I have to keep packing.

He follows his own orders for once and it works until there’s a knock on the door.

Kurt doesn’t wait for an answer before coming in.

He stands by the door with his arms crossed. He’s as clean and put together as he always is; except for this morning, of course, and it makes Sebastian realize how hot it was to see the way he looked right after waking up, all disheveled and messy. He wonders how many people have seen him like that, how many guys have touched his skin, how many times, in how many ways. He highly doubts Kurt would let himself be seen like that by anyone, so he’s weirdly flattered. However, it hurts to know he’ll never see him like that again, so he really hopes that image stays with him.

It’s been a minute when Kurt finally closes the door and walks inside. Sebastian turns away and pretends to be looking for something in the dresser until he can’t because Kurt is standing right beside him, and his gaze is forced to move towards the wall, a bunch of worn out portraits he was forbidden from taking off the walls no matter how creepy they looked.

“I feel so stupid for being surprised that you left me in a stranger’s house with your car keys and thought it was better to walk here instead of driving with me,” He says while Sebastian tries to think about the man in the biggest picture and the fact that he’s dead by now, “Come on, if you want to pretend last night didn’t happen, I’ll pretend. I know we were drunk and you said things that you probably didn’t mean and–”

“I meant all of it,” Sebastian interrupts, “I don’t want to pretend it didn’t happen because I had to say it and I would’ve never done it sober.”

Kurt nods, and Sebastian feels watched, “Okay. Good, then don’t push me away.”

“I’m not pushing you away, I need space.”

“Hmm,” Kurt says, “You said you meant everything last night, right? Does that mean that you miss me but you don’t want me around?”

Sebastian sighs in annoyance before turning around to look at Kurt, who looks more hurt than angry, “Don’t twist my words.”

“I’m not twisting them, it’s literally what you said,” He crosses his arms and shrugs. Sebastian has no argument against that, so they end up looking at each other for way too long. He’s thinking about walking away when Kurt speaks again, “I lied to you, Sebastian.”

It comes out of nowhere and as a surprise, so all Sebastian does is frown and ask, “What?”

Kurt’s gaze is also lost in the portraits on the wall for a moment before he looks Sebastian in the eye, “I didn’t come here for my friends’ graduation. I mean, I’ll go, but I actually came here for you.”

That’s even more confusing, “Why?”

Kurt looks at him like that’s the most stupid question in the world, but Sebastian can’t read his mind or even his face. He can’t imagine what on earth could make Kurt want to see him so badly for him to come all the way from New York and waste precious time on him when he could be spending time with his family and friends. Of course, Sebastian is Kurt’s friend now, but they haven’t reached a level where Kurt could possibly make him a priority.

“I came here because I’ve missed you since before I left,” He says. There’s a pause, then, “Finn told me everything you did to stop the proposal, and the thing is that even though everything you did was stupid and you even put your own life at risk, it means you thought I was worth the effort. Nobody, not even the people who love me the most, ever thought I was worth the effort; but you, the guy who hated me and tried so hard to make my life hell… You were the only one who thought I was worth it. And I’m here, and I want to spend as much time as I can with you, because I think you are worth the effort, too.”

He takes a hesitant step towards Sebastian, and he feels the impulse to step away but the truth is he wants to have Kurt close so badly he couldn’t move even if he tried. Kurt takes another step, and now they’re face to face, and the back of Kurt’s hand is caressing his cheek. All Sebastian feels is electricity and mixed feelings, because he still feels like he should move but he can’t, and he doesn’t want to.

They’re so close Sebastian can see the colors swirling in the irises of Kurt’s eyes and the sight is so beautiful it makes it hard to breathe.

“I’m not,” He whispers.

“You are,” Kurt replies, “You are worth the effort of getting to know you all over again. And I trust you, Sebastian. You know why?” Sebastian shakes his head, “Because you didn’t ask for anything in return.”

Sebastian feels like he’s been found out, a strange and newfound feeling. He has never felt like this, not even when he has been caught doing things he shouldn’t, which has happened more times than he can count. His parents have walked in on him while he was with boys, his friends too, he’s been caught trying drugs, smoking cigarettes at the school restrooms and hiding alcohol bottles under his bed. He has been caught so many times, and he never felt like this. Right now it’s like his skin is made of glass and shows everything inside him, and the glass is so fragile it breaks and his guts spill out.

Kurt is looking at his guts on the floor and he’s not grossed out.

“I just wanted you to be happy,” Sebastian says, and he’s not even sure if he said the words out loud.

Kurt smiles. A tiny yet bright smile, “That’s weird. Just like the fact that we actually have something in common.”

“What’s that?”

“Nobody sees that we’re worth it,” Kurt says, “But we are.”

Yeah, that’s weird.

They look at each other like there’s no other place to look, and Sebastian gets the impression that Kurt is also fighting the urge to look away. It feels strange until it doesn’t, then Kurt’s hand turns around and he cups Sebastian’s cheek before moving closer to kiss him. It’s warm, soft and it barely lasts two seconds, but it feels a lot more intimate than the messy makeout session from last night.

Kurt moves back and their noses brush, the air coming out of their lungs meeting between them. Sebastian wants to look at him forever, to breathe the same air and swim in his irises when that’s not enough. Kurt’s thumb brushes against his cheek and Sebastian pulls him a little closer by his waist. Then Kurt pulls him in for a hug.

His arms burn Sebastian through his clothes and he wants to get away. Being touched like this feels wrong and it makes him sick to his stomach, and he must be pulling away because Kurt holds him tighter. Sebastian wants to push him away and scream, but he ends up resting his head on Kurt’s shoulder while he tugs on the back of his shirt. They stay like that until Sebastian feels like their bodies are conjoined, and like his scent will be the only thing he’ll smell for the rest of his life.

He feels empty when Kurt lets him go.

And he’s terrified that Kurt is going to leave now and he’ll be left alone in a room that’s not his anymore.

“Do you want to help me pack?” He asks. It’s all he can think of, “There’s some clothes left in my closet, I’m sure you’d love to make fun of them.”

Kurt chuckles, “Oh, I’m sold.”

He doesn’t really make fun of Sebastian’s clothes, though, which is as strange as everything else. He just glares at him when he looks at some of his worst shirts. They are not so bad in Sebastian’s eyes, but Kurt has an entirely different perspective of everything and that’s one of the things he likes the most about him; because everytime they talk, no matter how stupid their conversation is, feels like a reality check. Kurt has a way of reminding him that the world doesn’t revolve around him.

However, there’s something different now; now Sebastian is aware that not even his own world completely revolves around himself.

They catch up while packing. Kurt is interested in how Finn has been doing, and he seems happy that Sebastian has been around him. He also asks about how things have been going in Dalton since the incident, and Sebastian is almost embarrassed about how boring it has been, but Kurt chuckles when he tells him about everyone thinking he's a hero. Sebastian asks for updates about the Santana and Rachel situation, that’s apparently settled by now and there’s little risk of Rachel ending up dead because of Santana’s wrath and thirst for blood. Kurt says that he’s done living with them and is thinking about moving in with Elliott, which makes Sebastian’s stomach turn, but he just nods and hums.

Sebastian offers to drive Kurt home. He owes him, after all, and Kurt insists that Finn can pick him up but gives in in no time. They leave Dalton at 6 p.m., windows down and cold wind filling the car. Kurt’s arm rests over the windowsill, his hair softly moving and his face tainted with the warm sunset light. Sebastian turns around from time to time to look at him, and at some point Kurt turns in his direction and offers him a smile.

It’s the first time Sebastian sees him relaxed, and it makes him look even more gorgeous than he already was.

That’s the moment he looks back and he’s truly convinced that it was all worth it. He thinks about who Kurt is, the fact that he’s the type of person who’s doomed to be a victim of prejudice. He doesn’t have to say a word, he simply has to exist, and he couldn’t hide it even if he tried; but Sebastian is very glad he doesn’t try.

It’s not exactly the same for Sebastian, because the prejudices people have against him don’t necessarily put him at risk, but people do expect things from him and he rarely lives up to their expectations for the exact same reason. He can’t be perfect if he goes to bed with guys, after all. So what’s the point in trying to be good at all?

So there’s a similarity, but there’s also a difference. Kurt has had it worse yet he’s chosen to be good. And Sebastian wishes to learn from him.

It’s nice to know that now he has a reason to try and be better, and he’s sitting right beside him.

He wishes he could tell him what he’s been thinking about for weeks now, the words stumbling in his mind as he tries to truly understand their meaning; because he always knew of their existence but he never thought he’d grow to be familiar with them, that is until he saw the meaning written all over Kurt’s face as soon as he walked into the Lima Bean this Monday. He tried not to read them, but he did, so he went back to Dalton and wrote them down in an empty notebook.

Three words.

Eight letters.

The drive feels too short.

Kurt unbuckles his seatbelt and puts a hand on the door handle, but he immediately stops himself and turns around to look at Sebastian.

“Do you want to come over tomorrow after you move out?” He asks, “You’ll probably be tired but–”

“I’ll be here,” Sebastian interrupts, “I promise.”

Kurt nods and they say goodbye with a shared smile.

Sebastian watches Kurt walk towards his house, and waves back when Kurt waves at him right before going inside. He doesn’t leave immediately, though. He sits there and looks at the house, wondering what Kurt is going to do now. It makes him feel like he should be ashamed; but he isn’t.

It’s already night time when he arrives at Dalton. Instead of going to his own room, he goes to Nick’s and finds the door unlocked. He’s packing the last few boxes while the rest of the room is empty. It’s the first time it really hits him how much they’re leaving behind, that he will not be able to walk into his friends’ rooms and in a few months he will be in a strange place where the word “friend” will lose its meaning.

Nick only looks up for a second when he walks in. He looks sad.

“Can I ask you something?” Sebastian says.

“Sure.”

“What happened last night when Kurt talked to Blaine?”

Nick stops what he’s doing to look at him, and it looks like he’d been waiting for that question, “Blaine was babbling nonsense to Kurt and I think he felt bad so he pretended to listen to him but he was clearly relieved when the guy passed out in front of him. He asked where you were, I said I didn’t know and he went looking for you. Why?”

“No reason.”

Sebastian leaves the room with a smile on his face.

Thursday.

Moving out of Dalton for good doesn’t make Sebastian as sad as he expected. He’s never been sensitive but he did expect to turn around and look at his empty room before closing the door with watery eyes. Instead of that, leaving is as devoid of emotion as it would be to check out of a cheap hotel, and Sebastian is glad that tomorrow will hopefully be the last time he steps foot inside that building. 

He will miss his friends and the sense of belonging he got from the Warblers, though. But he would never admit that last part.

Anyways.

By 2 p.m. all of Sebastian’s belongings are at his parents’ house and he refuses to eat because this morning he told Kurt that he’d be at his house around 4:30. Kurt said that it was perfect because he’d get home around 4. He has to drive around two hours, so he quickly takes a shower and changes his clothes, then leaves the house a little past 2:20, which feels like too late but he really hopes Kurt doesn’t hate him if he arrives a few minutes late. Logically, he knows he won’t, but anxiety is not precisely logic.

He pulls over in front of Kurt’s house at 4:28. He stares at the house for a while, asking himself questions that won’t be answered unless he gets out of the car and knocks on the door. He takes a deep breath before turning off the engine and takes one last look at himself in the rearview mirror. He looks really good, which is usually the goal, but that’s when he meets when guys he doesn’t give a fuck about; so now that he’s about to see Kurt he feels like the most hideous creature on earth because he gives too many fucks about him.

Yeah, he would never admit that either.

He takes another deep breath before getting out of the car.

Kurt opens the door after three knocks, and hides behind the door like he doesn’t want to be seen, with a hand over his head, “Hey. Come in.”

He opens the door enough to let Sebastian into the house still hidden behind it, and it looks hilarious but Sebastian doesn’t dare to laugh; he just watches him with curious eyes until the door is closed and he sees the reason why Kurt was hiding himself. He’s wearing grey sweatpants and a white t-shirt with no shoes, and when he takes the hand off his head it is revealed that his hair is a mess, even more than the morning after the party. It’s a look Sebastian never thought he’d see in him, but he pulls it off perfectly.

“Wow,” Sebastian says.

“Don’t laugh,” Kurt says, walking away towards the living room, “Someone spilled wine on my clothes and I just got home so I didn’t exactly have time to change.”

Sebastian follows Kurt even though he doesn’t know where they’re supposed to be going. He’s been in the house before because of Finn so he sort of knows his way around, but he’s deeply confused at the moment, so it feels like he’s never been here before.

“Where were you, by the way?”

“Graduation at McKinley,” Kurt says.

“It was today?”

“Hmm,” Kurt replies. They enter the kitchen and he goes straight to a cabinet from where he gets a package of popcorn, the ones you put in the microwave, “There’s a party at Blaine’s house and there’s no way I’m going,” He sighs, and a smile appears when he looks at Sebastian, “Besides, having the house to ourselves is nice, isn’t it?”

“More than nice,” Sebastian says as he watches Kurt open the paper bag instead of putting it in the microwave. Of course, he puts the corn in a pot to cook it the old-fashioned way, “I’m guessing we’re watching a movie.”

Kurt turns around and points a finger at him, “You guess correctly. Why don’t you go upstairs to my room and pick something on Netflix while I make this?”

“Something like what?”

“Whatever you like,” Kurt shrugs, “Something fun.”

Sebastian nods as he exits the kitchen. Kurt didn’t tell him where his room was, but he knows because of Finn. Now that he thinks about it, it’s really weird that he’s been in Finn’s room before he ever entered Kurt’s. As he approaches the door it feels like he’s about to walk into forbidden ground, or like he’s going to enter the fucking Narnia closet and he’ll end up surrounded by fantasy creatures. He’s pretty sure he’d be recruited by the White Witch.

But neither of those things are true. Kurt’s room is as normal as it gets. In fact, it’s too normal for Sebastian’s liking, because he fully expected an extravagant room full of rainbow flags and a lot of equally gay shit. It makes him feel guilty because he knows now that Kurt is not as obnoxiously gay as he thought and this sophisticated looking room is exactly what one should expect from him. 

There’s also a fucking enormous TV. He takes the remote and sits at the foot of the bed so he can look for something, but there doesn’t seem to be anything fun in the catalogue, or at least not anything he likes. The only thing he finds is one of his biggest guilty pleasures and favorite movies. Kurt enters the room right when Sebastian is pressing the button to expand the details.

“Mamma Mia?” He asks.

Sebastian feels his face getting warm and avoids looking at Kurt, “Don’t say anything.”

Kurt chuckles as he puts a bowl of popcorn on his bedside table, “Why would I say anything? It’s one of my favorite movies. I’ve watched it a couple dozen times.”

Sebastian turns around to find Kurt looking back at him with a completely serious face. He’s sitting against the headboard, legs crossed in front of him, and he taps his hand against the empty space next to him. Sebastian takes off his shoes before putting his feet on the bed and it’s a bit uncomfortable at first, but Kurt helps him move the pillows until he’s comfortable. He takes the remote from Sebastian’s hand and presses play while he uses his other hand to place the popcorn between them.

Sophie is singing Honey, Honey when Kurt puts a hand on Sebastian’s knee.

He looks down at Kurt’s hesitant hand, his long fingers trembling against his leg for a moment before he grows confident in his touch. It’s hard for Sebastian to truly believe that Kurt came here for him, but right now they’re here together while Kurt’s friends are having a celebration, and Sebastian knows that, if he wanted, Kurt would go to the party no matter where it was; but he decided against it just to be here with him.

He looks at Kurt’s face. He’s chewing on his lower lip as he watches the TV, adorably nervous. Sebastian knows he must be making him even more nervous than necessary by looking at him so much, but he can’t help himself. He’s just so incredibly, painfully and wonderfully beautiful.

“You look hot,” He says, hoping it distracts Kurt from his nerves. 

Kurt’s teeth let go of his lip and he frowns at Sebastian, “Are you kidding? I’m a mess.”

“Precisely,” Sebastian says, “You’re always so put together that seeing you dressed like this is like seeing you in lingerie.”

Kurt chuckles, “Shut up.”

His usually pale face turns pink and it brings a smile to Sebastian’s face.

“C’mon, I mean it,” He insists, “It’s really hot.”

Kurt rolls his eyes, “Maybe you should take a picture because it’s the last time you’ll ever see me like this.”

He clenches his jaw, and he’d look believably mad if it wasn’t that his hand hasn’t moved from Sebastian’s leg. In fact, it moved up a little, whether it was intentional or not.

“You’re telling me I won’t even see you like this when I wake up next to you?” Sebastian asks with a low voice.

Kurt swallows hard as his hand slowly moves up Sebastian’s thigh, like he was waiting for the slightest sign of approval to make a move. Sebastian wants to pull him closer for a kiss, but he also wants to see how far Kurt goes on his own so he can see how much he wants this, how much he wants him. So he watches his hand, his fingers slowly beginning to caress his inner thigh as they move up, but he stops way too far from the place Sebastian wants to be touched, and his pants are starting to feel tight.

Kurt looks at Sebastian and their eyes meet in the middle, almost defying each other, but Sebastian immediately gives in and puts a hand on top of Kurt’s, who puts away the bowl of popcorn, and Sebastian cups his face with his free hand and turns his body in his direction as he kisses him hard.

In a quick movement he manages to lie on top of Kurt, who instantly clings onto his back with both hands like he doesn’t want him to escape. Sebastian wants to tell him that he would never, that he would stay here forever if he could, but he’s too busy kissing him to speak at all. He pushes his body down as the kiss becomes deeper, and it’s twice as hungry as the other night as if the alcohol was actually holding them back. It doesn’t matter now, because he’s tasting the sweetness of the popcorn he ate during the first six minutes of the movie inside his mouth and it’s more intoxicating than any amount of alcohol or any drug he could ever try.

Kurt puts his head back to breathe but Sebastian can’t wait for him to catch his breath, so his mouth ends up exploring his neck, and he sees a bit of the hickey on his collarbone peeking through the collar of his shirt. He starts kissing him there, his mouth slowly moving up towards the side of his neck until he reaches the perfect spot, and his right hand moves down Kurt’s side, sliding under Kurt’s shirt, his cold and soft skin making him crave more. He pushes himself down as he sucks on his neck, which makes Kurt moan.

Oh, fuck.

It’s the sweetest sound he’s ever heard; one he never thought he’d get to hear outside his dreams, and he needs to hear it again, so he moves his hips down again, getting a louder noise out of him. Now Kurt is breathing hard through his nose, hands sliding down Sebastian’s back until he reaches his ass.

“I wanted you to take me somewhere else,” Kurt breathes out.

Sebastian is still kissing his neck, but he pulls back immediately to look at his face, “What?”

“The other night. I didn’t want to go to the party, I wanted you to take me somewhere else.”

Sebastian vaguely remembers asking him. He’s about ninety percent sure he did.

“I asked you,” He says.

Kurt swallows hard, “Yeah, but I wanted you to do it. I wanted you to tell me we were going somewhere else and take me there. I wanted us to be alone.”

Oh, god.

“What did you want to do?” Sebastian asks, and he’s the one who swallows hard now, his mouth both dry and watery at the same time.

Kurt lets out a sigh that almost sounds like a moan, like just thinking about it turns him on, and he doesn’t have to say anything for Sebastian to feel the same way. He doesn’t have to say anything but he still whispers one word, vague yet meaningful, “Everything.”

That’s the moment Sebastian becomes fully aware of how hard he is, “I wanted that too.”

Kurt puts his head back again and moans, this time in pure annoyance, “Then why the fuck didn’t you do it?”

“I thought you didn’t want it,” Sebastian doesn’t sound confident in his own words, though he does fully mean them, “I thought you didn’t want me.”

Kurt scoffs as his eyes meet Sebastian’s, “You think everyone wants you.”

“You’re different.”

“How so?”

Sebastian shakes his head. He will never understand. He can’t, because he hasn’t met himself and he never will; so Sebastian kisses his lips again, but Kurt moves his head to the side. He won’t let this go, will he?

He kisses Kurt’s cheek, his nose brushing against his cheekbone, “You are different from all the other guys I’ve met because you never showed any interest in me. I don’t know what else you want me to tell you.”

It seems to be enough for Kurt, who turns his head to the side so he can kiss Sebastian’s mouth again. It only lasts a minute before Sebastian is moving down Kurt’s body, helping him take his shirt off, and Kurt runs his fingers through Sebastian’s hair as he kisses from his collarbone down to his chest.

It’s a strange thing to have things you dream about happen exactly how you dreamt them, because you think it could never happen because nothing can be completely ideal or remotely close to perfection, but sometimes it happens, and for once he’s the lucky one. Kurt’s skin feels, smells and tastes exactly how he imagined, and he wants so much more; to taste and touch all of him, but he doesn’t want to push it too hard too fast.

So he kisses his way back up to kiss him on the mouth again.

He doesn’t expect Kurt to push him away, and before he can even register what’s going on, he’s lying on his back next to Kurt, as Kurt crosses a leg over his body, slowly positioning himself on top of him. And since he’s not the one who has a lot to lose, he allows himself to move a hand between their bodies all the way down to Sebastian’s crotch. He palms him over his jeans and it feels so fucking good he can’t help the moan escaping his throat. It makes Kurt put his hand away, and he starts fidgeting with the zipper of Sebastian’s jeans. It takes him a few seconds to ask.

“Can I?”

Sebastian nods, but he can’t speak, so all he says is, “Hmm.”

Kurt slowly unzips his pants and Sebastian helps slide them down his thighs to make things easier, then he puts his head back against the pillow as he feels the warmth of Kurt’s hand wrapped around him. All of the sudden he’s free from the weight of Kurt’s body, who lies next to him instead as he begins. Sebastian misses his body on top of him, but he can’t find his voice as the sensations quickly start to overwhelm him. He gets distracted when Kurt’s breath hits his face and they’re kissing again, Sebastian breathing heavily as Kurt’s hand movements become faster. 

They don’t stop kissing. Not when breathing is nearly impossible, nor when he comes all over Kurt’s hand. In fact, they keep kissing until they’re interrupted by the noise of the front door slamming shut.

“Fuck,” Kurt says as he quickly gets up from the bed.

And all of the sudden… It’s over.

He tries to catch his breath as he watches Kurt get a box of tissues from his bedside table. He takes a handful of them to clean his hand, then throws the box towards Sebastian without even looking his way.

“And they say romance is dead,” Sebastian says, earning an eye roll.

Kurt opens the door and stays quiet until Finn’s voice echoes all over the house.

“Is anyone home?”

“I’m here!” Kurt shouts back, “I’ll be down in a minute!”

“Cool, I brought some chicken!”

Kurt closes the door once he hears Finn’s heavy steps walking away, then he turns in Sebastian’s direction, “I’m so sorry, Seb.”

Sebastian scoffs as he throws the tissues into the paper basket next to the bed. It’s only then that he realizes his pants are still down and quickly pulls them back up, “Why are you sorry? For blessing me with another one of your many talents?”

“Shut up,” Kurt says, but Sebastian doesn’t have to look at him to know that he’s blushing, “I think you should leave, but go wash your hands first.”

“You don’t need to tell me. What do you think I am? Some kind of animal?” Sebastian asks. 

“Kind of.”

Now Sebastian is the one who rolls his eyes, and Kurt chuckles as he calls him with one hand so they can go to the bathroom together. Afterwards they go back to Kurt’s room and Sebastian sits at the foot of the bed, watching Kurt open his closet to look for something to change to. He ends up putting on a pair of tight black jeans and knee high lace up boots… Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? Then he puts on a white undershirt and over it, the same shirt he wore to the party the other day. He stares at his own reflection for way too long and does not seem happy with the results.

Sebastian watches him from the foot of the bed, “You look perfect.”

Kurt looks at him through the mirror reflection, “You’re a liar.”

When they go downstairs Finn is waiting for them, attentively watching their every move as he slowly chews on a piece of chicken.

“Hi, Seb. Didn’t know you’d be here,” He says, then he frowns at Kurt, “Dude, your hair is a mess. And you have a…” He points at his own neck before licking his chicken covered fingers.

Sebastian turns around to look at Kurt, who’s tomato red, carefully touching his neck as if he could feel the hickey with his hand. Sebastian silently points at it to not embarrass him more, and turns to Finn, “So… How was the party?”

“It sucked,” He doesn’t elaborate, “Are you gonna stay with us? I think we should watch a movie. And the chicken is good.”

“I can see that,” Sebastian distractedly says as Kurt shakes his head, “But no, I can’t stay. I guess it’ll have to wait, buddy.”

Kurt runs down the few steps left to reach the first floor and puts a hand to Finn’s back, “I’ll walk Sebastian to his car now, Finn. Wait for me in the living room.”

Finn stares at Kurt for a second, hums in response and nods at Sebastian before heading to the living room. They both exhale when they’re left alone, and rush towards the door, and Kurt quite literally pushes Sebastian out of the house and doesn’t even apologize. Rude. They walk towards Sebastian’s car in silence, and though Sebastian stops on the sidewalk, Kurt drags him to the other side of it so they’re out of sight.

“Finn must be eating his chicken and looking through the window right now,” Kurt explains, “He’s been trying really hard to clean your image these past few months.”

Sebastian crosses his arms as he looks behind Kurt, “Huh. Guess I’ll have to thank him, then.”

“Oh, no. That was all you, but the fact that he likes you says a lot, so I guess it does help, in a way,” He pauses, takes a deep breath, and adds, “Thank you for coming.”

“Pun intended?” Sebastian says with a smirk.

Kurt rolls his eyes, “Jesus, shut the fuck up.”

“Wow, double blasphemy. Don’t disrespect the Lord like that,” This time, Kurt is clearly trying really hard to hold a laugh, and it makes Sebastian smile. He uncrosses his arms and reaches for Kurt’s hand, gently pulling him close, “Would you come to my graduation tomorrow? Or at least to the afterparty at Nick’s house? You can bring Finn with you.”

“That would be nice,” Kurt says.

“And don’t forget we have unfinished business,” Sebastian says, then leans towards Kurt to whisper in his ear, “Trust me, I will return the favor. I’ll double it, actually.”

Kurt moves his head back to look at Sebastian, and his eyes almost immediately fall to his lips. They stay there for a few seconds before he leans in and presses a soft kiss against them. It’s too brief for Sebastian’s liking, and he wants to pull Kurt closer again and kiss him hard. He probably would if it wasn’t that they’re literally in the middle of the street and could get run over if they’re distracted.

“I should go inside,” Kurt says softly, “Drive safely.”

He lets go of Sebastian’s hand and walks back to the house, turning around as he steps on the sidewalk to wave at him, and Sebastian offers him a soft smile as he waves back.

As always, he has a hard time getting into his car and driving away. He knows this attachment is probably unhealthy on his part and he shouldn’t feel like one of his limbs is being ripped off his body everytime he has to leave Kurt behind. It’s even worse knowing that he will be gone in a few days and he’ll have to go back to missing him, even more now than he did before. He doesn’t know how the fuck he’ll cope, but that’s a problem for another day.

Friday.

The graduation ceremony is one of the most boring experiences Sebastian has ever gone through, and having to receive so many hugs and take so many pictures afterwards is even worse; especially since he doesn’t know most of these people, and the few he knows he doesn’t care about. All he cares about is Kurt, standing near the exit with Finn by his side. Sometimes he accidentally locks eyes with Kurt and they smile at each other, then Sebastian has to go back to talking to whoever the fuck wants to talk to him.

It’s a relief when it ends, most people go home, and only the boys with their parents drive to Nick’s house for the more intimate celebration. Sebastian will have to endure another celebration tomorrow with his extended family, though, which he doesn’t get since it’s not a big deal anyways. He finished high school. Most people do that.

Sebastian and his parents are the last to arrive because his mom stayed talking to one of the teachers for a bit longer than she should have. Inside Nick’s house there’s people everywhere, loud chattering over the piano music and young men dressed in suits walking around with trays of drinks and snacks. They walk into the living room, conveniently rearranged for the guests’ comfort, and he spots Nick, Jeff, Finn and Kurt talking near the fireplace.

He walks in that direction hoping to lose his parents behind him, but they follow him instead.

Sebastian offers Kurt a smile as he stands next to him while his parents hug and talk to Nick and Jeff for a moment, then they turn around and look at Kurt and Finn.

“I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure of meeting these gentlemen before,” Eloise says as she leans in to kiss Kurt first, then she holds his hand between hers, “It’s Eloise, darling. Sebastian’s mother. It’s so nice to meet you…”

“Kurt. I’m Sebastian’s friend. It’s nice to meet you, too,” He replies with a sweet voice, then points at Finn, “This is my step-brother, Finn.”

“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Smythe,” Finn says with a wave.

Eloise lets go of Kurt’s hand to hold Finn’s, “Nice to meet you, too. I’m so happy my Sebastian has such nice friends. And you two can call me by my first name.”

In the meantime, Edward waits for his turn because he knows Eloise takes her time introducing herself to people. So once she’s done, he gives the boys’ firm handshakes and introduces himself as Edward Smythe.

“But don’t bother with Mr. Smythe,” He adds, “Just call me Ed.”

Sebastian notices his mom holding Kurt’s hand again like she wants to protect him, and that’s when he knows that his mother totally noticed. He can feel his face turn red as he thinks of his mother knowing he has feelings for a guy.

He quickly excuses himself and walks away without bothering to look anyone in the face with the intention to get a drink, because maybe a glass of champagne will relax him a little. Of course, right as he’s taking one from a tray he turns around and finds himself face to face with his mother.

“Are you okay, darling?” She asks.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

Eloise sighs as she reaches for his free hand, “There’s nothing to be ashamed of, love. He’s lovely. I’m glad it’s not one of those Dalton boys, you need someone who keeps you grounded.”

The sympathetic look on his mother’s face makes Sebastian want to cry, but he swallows it down as he always does.

“I don’t know what I’m doing, mom,” His voice sounds weak.

Eloise raises a hand to cup his face and offers him a warm smile, “Nobody does, love.”

And she walks back towards the group. Sebastian watches her hold Kurt’s hand again with both of hers as she catches up with the conversation, and something about it feels right. Maybe it’s the fact that seeing his parents talking to his friends makes him realize for the first time in his life that he’s loved. Really loved. The two boys who made him feel like one of their own from the moment he stepped foot in Dalton, the two boys who forgave him, and the two people who brought him to the world. They love him. And that’s enough.

He chugs the rest of his champagne before joining them again.

“What are we talking about,” He says as he stands between Finn and Jeff.

His dad points at Kurt and Finn, “I was asking the boys about their families and… The son and step-son of a congressman? Why didn’t you tell us?” He says, “And they’re hard working people, too. That’s amazing. It’s the type of people we need to surround ourselves with. I need all of us to get together for dinner soon, or a barbecue. Does your dad like barbecues, Kurt?”

Kurt is opening his mouth to speak when Sebastian interrupts, “Kurt is going back to New York in a few days, dad.”

“Then when he comes to visit!” Edward says, opening his arms, “We have all the time in the world!”

Sebastian notices Kurt is smiling, and it makes him smile as well. He once thought the only way out of this was through, but there is no through, it will only keep going deeper and deeper. He’s okay with that at this point, but he’s not sure if he wants to risk ruining it by making their families close. However, if they keep going deeper it’s bound to happen at some point, right?

The conversation becomes tedious soon after his father starts talking about politics, and Sebastian can see that Kurt is also over it a few minutes into it. He takes his chance when his mom excuses herself to go to the bathroom, walks closer to Kurt and whispers in his ear, “I’m bored, wanna get out of here?”

Kurt presses his lips and nods, then Sebastian takes his hand and they head towards the living room’s entrance. There’s a bunch of people together in the hall as well, and basically all over the first floor, so they go upstairs and Sebastian looks for the library, where he and the boys used to get together on weekends to study. Or to smoke weed when Nick’s parents weren’t home.

He opens the big doors at the end of the hallway and invites Kurt inside with a mocking gentlemanliness that gets a laugh out of Kurt. 

Kurt looks around while Sebastian closes the doors, his eyes wide with wonder and his mouth slightly open. Tall bookcases with ladders to reach the books near the roof, long windows between them and a semi-circular couch in the middle of the room that looks like a crescent moon. Kurt turns on his heel as he looks up to the roof, painted of a blue so dark it’s almost black and bright golden stars over it.

“This is gorgeous,” He says.

Sebastian slowly walks in his direction, and the light in Kurt’s eyes is the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

“Not the only gorgeous thing here.”

Kurt scoffs without even looking at him, “You don’t have to do that, Seb.”

“I know,” Sebastian says as he holds Kurt’s waist and makes him turn in his direction, “I mean it.”

Kurt looks at him like he’s trying to decipher whether he’s telling the truth, then he throws his arms over Sebastian’s shoulders and leans in for a kiss. It feels natural now, like it’s the millionth kiss they’ve shared, and once again Sebastian gets the feeling that this is how things are supposed to be and he wishes he could live in this moment forever. Kurt pulls back first, but only enough to speak.

“I’m so proud of you,” He whispers.

“Why? I’ve always been a straight-A student, graduating isn’t really an achievement for me.”

Kurt hums, “I know, but it must’ve been hard to balance that with being a full-time pain in the ass and danger to society.”

They both chuckle and Sebastian wants to playfully push him away but he pulls him closer instead and presses his lips to Kurt’s cheek, “Fuck you.”

“Come on, Seb. You committed arson twice in a week. Who the fuck does that?”

Someone who’s madly in love with you.

“Someone who knows how to have fun,” He says with a smirk.

Kurt chuckles as he kisses Sebastian on the lips again, “You’re insane.”

“You’re perfect,” Sebastian whispers, and traps Kurt into a kiss again. Now he sees the appeal of kissing someone just to kiss them, because he could really just do this all day without heading anywhere else and it would still be the most wonderful thing in the world. For a moment he forgets it won’t last forever, “I don’t want you to go.”

“I don’t want to go either,” Kurt says.

“Then stay and let’s spend the summer together. I’ll take you wherever you want.”

Kurt takes Sebastian’s hands off his waist and walks away towards the couch and drops himself on it, and Sebastian wishes he didn’t say anything because he feels empty without him.

“I can’t, Seb. I have a job. I know that doesn’t mean anything to you, but I need to earn my money to survive and I’m saving for a deposit so I can rent a place by myself.”

Sebastian is tempted to argue, but ends up sighing as he goes to sit next to Kurt. It doesn’t matter anyway, because asking him to stay was merely a selfish whim. Actually, the more he thinks about it the more he realizes it was a mistake, because he’s making Kurt overthink things, especially since two guys with money in a row must feel weird to him. Sebastian has way more money than Blaine, though, which should be good but actually makes it worse.

“I have something to tell you,” Sebastian says, “I should’ve told you sooner but I wanted it to be a surprise.”

Kurt turns around and looks at him with a frown, “Why can’t it be a surprise anymore?”

“Because,” Sebastian slowly pronounces the word, “Asking you to stay made no sense since I’m going to New York in two weeks anyway.”

He watches Kurt’s expression change, a soft smile becomes a wide grin and his eyes shine with tiny specks of light dancing inside his irises, “What, Really? You’re not messing with me?”

Sebastian is certain his smile matches Kurt, but he definitely doesn’t look as beautiful as he does, “No, why would I mess with you? I have to find an apartment, because I’m going to NYU next semester.”

“It’s not funny,” Kurt says, his smile intact, “If that’s not true I’m going to murder you.”

“I’m fully aware of that, so why would I lie to you?” Sebastian says, “That’s why I wanted it to be a surprise. I thought it’d be nice to show up at your place after I move and inform you that you won’t be able to escape me for the next few years. I fear you’ll hate me again by the end of the year but it’ll be worth it if it means I get to spend those months with you.”

Kurt’s smile wears off and is replaced by a thoughtful expression as he cups Sebastian’s face with one hand, his long fingers moving behind his ear and his thumb caressing his cheek. It looks like he’s about to kiss him, but he doesn’t.

“I don’t think I could ever hate you again.”

Two weeks later

Sebastian walks across the airport at 2 p.m., his sweaty hand holding onto his suitcase way too tightly as he looks around for Kurt. He feels a little lost because, believe it or not, it’s his first time in New York, and he hates the fast pace of big cities, especially since he’s been pushed at least five times since he got off the plane fifteen minutes ago. He has no idea why Kurt decided to come live here, but he must admit he’s equally insane for only applying to colleges here so he could be close to him.

He spots him standing next to a row of chairs, waving at him and looking pretty even in the distance. He waves back as he rushes in his direction and they meet in the middle, and Sebastian’s instant reaction is to let go of his suitcase and hold Kurt’s face with both hands, pressing his lips against his as hard as he can before Kurt has the chance to refuse. He quickly realizes that’s not cool, so he lets go of him and takes a step back, reaching for his suitcase behind him.

“I’m so sorry, I just–”

Kurt shuts him up by returning the kiss. It lasts for a few seconds, then Kurt lets him go, both hands tugging on his jacket, “I’m happy to see you too.”

He shows him around the subway on their way to the apartment Kurt now shares with Elliott. He repeats one too many times how nice it is to have a friend in New York he didn’t go to high school with, emphasizing the friend part so Sebastian doesn’t get the wrong message, and the effort is honestly adorable. Sebastian feels guilty for not wanting to shut him up because he’s enjoying seeing him nervous, fidgeting with his fingers as tries his best not to look Sebastian in the face, because it means he’s the one who has that effect on him.

By the time they get to the apartment, Sebastian still has no idea how the subway works, or how many stations they passed, or how long they walked since they got off the train.

The apartment is small but clean and well organized, except for the corner with the sewing machine and pieces of fabric scattered around. His first thought is that Kurt makes his questionable looking clothes with it, but before he can say a word, Kurt explains to him that it’s Elliott’s.

“He makes all of his Starchild costumes,” Kurt says, “It’s honestly impressive, and he’s so committed to it he spent like three months of rent on it. He lets me use it whenever I want but I always feel like I should pay him for it,” He pauses, then adds, “I mean, he doesn’t make me feel like that. I make myself feel like that.”

“Right,” Sebastian says, “You shouldn’t feel like that, though. I mean, if he lets you use it it’s because you’re his friend, not because he wants something in return.”

Kurt smiles at him before grabbing his hand, “Let me show you my room.”

They walk down a short hallway with an underwhelming total of three doors, and enter the room to their left. It’s nothing impressive, of course, but Kurt has made it look good with his Broadway posters, decorative lights, and trinkets over the furniture. It makes him smile as Kurt takes the suitcase from his hand.

“Hey, that’s mine!” Sebastian jokingly says.

“Everything that touches my room is mine,” Kurt replies.

“Including me?” 

Kurt’s cheeks turn slightly pink as he nods, “Especially you,” He says, then looks down before adding, “You know, Elliott wanted to give you his room and sleep on the couch, but I insisted that you should sleep here with me.”

“And I’m grateful for that,” Sebastian replies, trying his best to make it sound like it’s not a big deal to him even though his heart is about to burst out of his chest, “Do you mind helping me unpack?”

Instead of answering with words, Kurt puts the suitcase on the bed and opens it, then he puts his hands on his hips and looks inside with pursed lips. Sebastian knows what he’s going to say and he’s way too enthusiastic to hear it, unable to contain his smile. Kurt takes a polo shirt out of the suitcase and examines it, shaking his head as he does.

“Seb, you can’t move to New York and keep dressing like this,” He says in a scolding tone, “I’d honestly be embarrassed to be seen with you in public dressed like that.”

Sebastian crosses his arms, “Everything I wear is designer.”

“If there’s something I’ve learned during my time in Vogue is that not everything designer is good,” Kurt replies, “Sometimes designers commit atrocities. Your wardrobe is an example.”

He keeps on taking things out of his suitcase, examining each item before carefully folding them again and placing them on the bed, and Sebastian can’t stop smiling as he watches his every move. His staring must be very obvious, because Kurt turns around when the suitcase is almost empty and silently stares back, waiting for an explanation.

“You’re just acting like–” Sebastian cuts himself off and shakes his head, “Nevermind.”

Kurt puts his hands on his hips, “No, go ahead.”

Sebastian shrugs, “You’re acting like my mom,” He says. But it’s not what he means, and it’s the first time he doesn’t like the eye roll he earns with his words, so he adds what he was actually thinking about, “Or my boyfriend.”

Kurt raises an eyebrow, “What do you know about how boyfriends act?”

“Not much,” Sebastian says, “But I’d like to think they act the way you’re acting now.”

Kurt doesn’t say anything, but it doesn’t feel awkward in any way, which is strange. It’s like they’ve reached that level of trust Sebastian only aspired to reach with him. He walks closer to Kurt and watches him take the last few items out of his suitcase, and when he turns around he seems startled by how close Sebastian is standing. He brushes it off before speaking.

“We’re going shopping,” He says, completely confident in his own words, “I’m guessing you have enough money to buy yourself something decent to wear. Mommy and daddy must have you prepared for such emergencies.”

“Yeah, they do.”

He steps closer to Kurt, who softly bites the inside of his lower lip as his eyes move down to Sebastian’s mouth. Sebastian wants to dare him to kiss him, to hit him with the question he’s been asking himself for weeks, or worse, to say those words that haven’t left his mind in longer than he’d like to admit. He doesn’t do any of those things, instead he’s the one who leans in and traps his lips in a kiss.

He’s been craving more of him, but he’s also happy with how things are. They didn’t do anything after the graduation party, just a couple of stolen kisses and a big one when they said goodbye at the airport. But god, he wants him. He wants him so badly that just being in front of him and keeping his hands to himself physically hurts.

“Do you want to go now?” Kurt asks against his lips, then he pulls back, “You’re going to be busy for the rest of the week, so…”

They end up at the biggest mall Sebastian has ever been in, going from store to store, Kurt picking clothes for him and explaining why they would look good on him like Sebastian cares about it. He’s not hearing a word he says, he’s simply enjoying his enthusiasm and how it seems like he’s dedicated a lot of time to thinking about how he’d like Sebastian to dress. He wants to think that’s the case. He wants to think that Kurt thinks about him as much as Sebastian thinks about him.

He wants to think Kurt has been feeling the need to peel his skin off with his fingernails so he could forget about the pain of not having him close. He wants to think they’ve been feeling the same things about each other while being hundreds of miles away.

It makes him feel pathetic.

It also makes him feel hopeful.

There’s a store Kurt seems particularly excited about. He drags him inside by the wrist and goes straight to a section near the back like he knows exactly what he’s looking for, and it’s odd. In a good way. Kurt picks a sweater, a beige sweater so carefully made that the threads it’s made of are barely visible. He puts it in front of himself to show it to him.

“Saw this the other day and it made me think of you,” He says, “I would’ve bought it for you but I don’t have the money. I like to come to the candy store to look at the candy without eating it; I know it’s sad, but, you know.”

Sebastian takes the sweater off Kurt’s hands and touches the soft, delicate fabric, and his thoughts go back to the doubts he’s been feeling this whole time, “I don’t think it’s sad, you’re just getting used to what you’re going to have one day.”

Kurt touches one of the sleeves and fidgets a little with it, “You think I’ll have enough money to buy this stuff?”

“I think you’ll have a store like this someday,” Sebastian says, “And, of course, you’ll make more than enough money to buy everything you want.”

He notices Kurt’s eyes shining more than usual under the fluorescent lights, “I thought you hated everything I made.”

“I don’t,” He replies, “You know me, I was just being an asshole.”

A smile appears on Kurt’s face, and he lets go of the sleeve. With a playful tone, he says, “Fuck you.”

“You wish.”

Kurt snorts, “You need to come up with something more original,” He says, and tries to sound indifferent when he asks, “So, do you like the sweater?”

“Yeah!” Sebastian says; too loud, too fast, “I’m gonna buy it. And I’m gonna buy something for you.”

Kurt rolls his eyes at the last sentence, “No, thank you. I don’t need you to buy anything for me.”

“I know you don’t need it, but I want to,” Sebastian replies, “I want you to have something pretty that makes you think of me, so just choose anything and I’ll buy it for you. Don’t look at the price tag.”

“I don’t know, Seb,” Kurt crosses his arms, almost as if he’s hugging himself, “I don’t want it to seem like–”

“I know you don’t care about the money,” Sebastian interrupts.

Kurt turns to look at the rack next to him, overpriced jeans folded one on top of the other. Sebastian doesn’t see much difference between them and the ones he could find in a random cheap store, but he doesn’t bother to point it out.

“It’s just– I wish I had something to give you in return,” He says, “You keep doing things for me and I haven’t done anything for you, it doesn’t feel fair.”

“You’re choosing my clothes,” Sebastian says with a shrug, “That’s something you’re doing for me, and I’m eternally grateful because I have to admit that wearing a uniform for so long makes you forget how to dress yourself, and I’d rather have you helping me choose my clothes than my mom.”

“Hmm. You’re lucky to have me.”

“Yes, I am.”

Kurt tries to hide his smile as he walks around, looking at the clothes with such care it seems like he’s about to try and deactivate a bomb, and Sebastian follows him closely with four bags and a sweater in his hands. He’s not sure how Kurt managed to make him buy so many things, but he’s happy to be able to spend all this time with him doing something Kurt genuinely enjoys. It’s been like half an hour when he stops and picks up a black embroidered cashmere coat.

“I want this one,” He says simply.

Sebastian gives it a good look. It’s pretty and seems to be of good quality, and he’s not one to judge anyway, so he nods and they walk to the register to pay for both things.

When they get out of the store, Kurt takes the bags off one of his hands to carry them so he can hold his free hand, and they don’t let go of each other until they’re back at the apartment. And as they leave the bags in the living room and Kurt goes to the kitchen to make coffee, Sebastian starts to think about that stupid clichéd question he’s dying to ask but he’s scared to.

He takes his chance during the instant of courage that pumps through his veins, walks into the kitchen and blurts out the question.

“What are we?”

Kurt looks up from the coffee machine and there’s a blank expression on his face, his skin a little paler than usual. It might be the lighting, or it might be that he’s scared to give an answer Sebastian won’t like.

“Uh. What do you want us to be?” Kurt slowly asks back, and the fact that he also sounds fucking terrified is somehow relieving.

Sebastian shrugs, “All I know is that I–”

“What?”

“I–” Sebastian tries to say it, but he’s afraid he already ran out of courage. He presses his eyes shut and sighs, “I can’t.”

He walks out of the kitchen and towards the bedroom, hoping he can pretend to be busy taking all the shit out of the bags and stuffing them in the closet. He’s closing the door when Kurt pushes it open and enters, closing behind him.

“Please tell me,” He urges, “Seb, please. I need to know.”

Sebastian stands next to the bed looking through the window, to the ugliest neighborhood he’s ever seen. He fucking hates this city. He hates everything he’s seen in it, except for one thing.

“What if I don’t want to say it?”

There’s silence, then a few soft steps and an even softer whisper, “I love you, Seb.”

A knot ties itself inside Sebastian’s throat and it feels like he’s suffocating, like he’s trying to swallow something too big. He opens his mouth and tries to speak before turning around, he tries to make sense of it, and he tries to put everything together in his mind. He turns around and sees Kurt’s eyes wide open, his blue irises the bluest they’ve ever been, his cheeks pink and his jaw tight.

It takes Sebastian longer than it should, possibly a worrying amount of time, but the words come out in the end, “I love you.”

Neither of them moves closer, they simply stay a few feet away from each other, staring at each other, and it’s a little underwhelming because Sebastian imagined they’d share a deep kiss and hold each other after the words were pronounced. But this is awkward, and for a second—just for a second—he wishes he didn’t say anything.

Then Kurt smiles, and it’s all worth it.

He doesn’t run into Sebastian’s arms like he expected. He just says, “Do you want some coffee?”

As they sit around the kitchen island and Kurt seems as beautifully relaxed as he did that one time in his car, Sebastian realizes that Kurt is done with the big romantic gestures, flowers and movie worthy confessions of love, and he’s perfectly satisfied with a clumsy exchange of words, which is the most Sebastian can offer at the moment.

They’re finishing their coffees when Kurt’s phone buzzes on the table, and he shows Sebastian a text from Elliott saying he’ll spend the night at a friend’s house.

“Looks like we have the apartment to ourselves,” Kurt says.

He gets up and grabs Sebastian’s hand to help him up as well, and Sebastian pulls him closer until their bodies are pressed together, his hands fall to Kurt’s hips and he can feel his warmth come through his clothes. He holds Kurt’s head with both hands and kisses him as hard as he can, and once he lets him go, his hands slide under Kurt’s clothes to touch his skin while Kurt does the same to him. Sebastian tries to slow down as he begins to clumsily unbutton Kurt’s shirt, because he doesn’t want to overdose on this, but just like any addict with their drug, he wants to have as much of this man as he can get, because he’s simply terrified of losing him.

Kurt unzips Sebastian’s pants with shaky hands as he pulls him towards the hallway, and Sebastian would like to think he’s going through the same thing.

They stumble their way to Kurt’s bedroom; tiny and somehow cozy in this ugly piece of land, and they cling onto each other as they take their clothes off. Kurt pushes Sebastian onto the bed, and he does his best to find a comfortable position in the few seconds it takes Kurt crawl on top of him, right between his legs, his mouth searching for Sebastian’s to resume the same hungry kiss they’ve been sharing for weeks, on and off, up until this moment.

And out of all the times Sebastian has done this and all of the ways he’s done it, this is the first time he fully lets himself be touched, kissed and tasted; the first time he’s ever needed to do it. This is the time that uncomfortable itch is finally scratched, not hard enough to cause pain, but enough to give him the relief he so urgently needs.

Sebastian is terrified to lose this, but he desperately wants to get used to it.

Last week of summer

The Smythe house looks a lot bigger than usual from the passenger’s seat of Kurt’s car. It’s strange considering Sebastian has spent the past few weeks surrounded by the tallest buildings he’d ever seen, walking through big subway stations and busy streets, up the wide staircase that leads to Kurt’s apartment. New York is so big that Westerville should look insignificant, especially the house he grew up in, because things tend to look smaller when you’re used to them. But here he is, feeling like he’s about to enter the biggest building in the world.

A heavy wave of melancholy washes over him when he realizes that he’ll leave again in a few days and won’t come back in months, maybe longer. He’s happy to have found a nice place near campus, though, even happier to have convinced Kurt to move in with him. Not as a couple, they both convinced themselves, because it would be insane to move in together so soon; so they just happen to be dating and living in the same place at the same time.

He’s brought back to reality by the brush of Kurt’s thumb over his knee. It’s only then he realizes he’s chewing on his lower lip so hard he can slightly taste blood.

“Why are you so nervous?” Kurt asks, “It’s just your parents. And mine.”

Sebastian turns around to look at Kurt. He can’t believe how calm he looks, like this is an everyday occurrence to him. He’s convinced Kurt must be great at dealing with parents; he’s polite, kind, funny and overall likeable, so much it surprises Sebastian that he ever disliked him. But he guesses he disliked him for being likeable, which only makes sense in his head.

“I know, I just– How do you tell your parents that you have a boyfriend?”

Kurt’s eyebrows move up, “You haven’t told them?”

Sebastian shakes his head, “It’s embarrassing,” He says. Oh god, that sounds bad, “Fuck, I’m not– I’m not embarrassed of you, it’s just hard to admit that..”

“...That you have feelings?” Kurt questions, and Sebastian simply chews on his lip a little harder, “They know you have feelings, Seb.”

“They think I’m a cheap slut,” Sebastian corrects him, “And they’ll think that about you too. I mean, they really like you, but the moment they find out you’re with me they’ll lose all respect they had for you.”

Kurt’s thumb brushes against his knee again, and he leans to his side, supporting himself with his arm over the steering wheel to look at him better.

“They’re your parents, Seb. I saw how much they love you, and I know they don’t see you like that,” He says, “I know they’ll be happy to know their son is loved, because it was obvious from a mile away how lonely you used to be.”

Sebastian sighs. He doesn’t know how to tell him that his mom must’ve lost a little respect for him when she saw him with a dick in his mouth when she entered his room without knocking two years ago. Or when she saw him with a dick in his ass a few weeks later because neither of them learned their lesson. They both pretend it never happened and he’s sure she never told his dad, but he can’t help but think that when she finds out he’s actually dating Kurt that image will come back to her and the fact that he’s sexually active will become harder to ignore.

So he silently nods.

They get out of the car and Kurt quickly walks around the car before Sebastian has the chance to escape so he can hold his hand as they walk towards the house.

The door opens before they even reach the steps, and Eloise walks out of the house with open arms and a glass of champagne in her hand. She doesn’t seem to notice them holding hands as she approaches and gives Kurt a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek, telling him how handsome he looks and the typical mom stuff moms always say. Then she hugs Sebastian, equally enthusiastic, except that she doesn’t tell him that he looks handsome, instead she says,

“God, you’re so skinny. We’ll have to fatten you up before you go back to that god awful city.”

Kurt laughs as she turns around to walk into the house, and they follow her inside the sun filled living room.

Sebastian tries to ignore Kurt looking around with curious eyes full of wonder like this is the most beautiful place he’s ever been in, mostly because he doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal. In fact, he thinks Kurt’s house is a lot nicer, small enough to make it feel like a home, pictures over the walls instead of big windows and warmth exuding from every inch of it. Of course, the Smythe house is full of love too, but it’s big enough for the love to be scattered around in pieces instead of it being condensed, and it makes him feel lonely unless he’s in the same room as his parents.

They walk all the way to the back door that leads to the backyard and the unnecessarily big pool that nobody really uses.

“What time are your parents coming, darling?” Eloise asks Kurt.

“Uh,” Kurt looks at his watch, “They should be here already. I’m sure they’ll arrive any moment now. Finn, on the other hand… He probably got lost and is driving in circles somewhere.”

It sounds like a joke, but knowing Finn, it’s a very reasonable concern.

In the backyard is Edward moving bags of coal to put in the grill because he’s not using his electric one for such an occasion, which means he doesn’t want to make it seem like he’s showing off his expensive stuff in front of the Hudmels, and because it makes everything feel more personal. At least that’s what he says whenever he abstains from using the electric one.

He stops what he’s doing and goes to give them both firm handshakes, asking them how they’re doing without really expecting an answer.

He also doesn’t seem to notice the boys holding hands.

It sucks because them realizing would probably save him the torture of having to say it outloud.

What the hell, here it goes.

“We need to tell you guys something,” Sebastian says as his mom sits on her favorite chair and his dad goes back to work. She gives him a curious look while his dad puts his hands on his hips. Sebastian turns to his side to look at Kurt, who subtly shrugs, “Kurt and I are dating?”

“You’re asking us?” Edward says.

“No, we are dating.”

Edward cackles as Eloise gets back up and walks towards them. Well, she walks directly to Kurt and puts an arm around his waist while reaching for Sebastian’s hand like he’s the least important. Rude.

“Ed and I were wondering when it was going to happen,” She says to Kurt, “We knew the moment we met you that he was head over heels for you.”

“I can’t believe you did the impossible,” Ed says, also to Kurt, obviously, “We were getting worried about him.”

“What does that mean?” Sebastian asks, and he can’t help but sound a little offended. And by a little I mean a lot, “What was worrying about me not having a boyfriend?”

His dad seems way too amused with the situation, and if Sebastian didn’t know him he’d think he’s making fun of him. His mom, on the other hand, doesn’t let either of them go and pulls on Sebastian’s arm to get his attention.

“It’s not about not having a boyfriend,” She says softly, “It’s about being open about your feelings. You haven’t told me that you love me since you were ten years old.”

“Oh.”

“Yes.”

The noise of a car pulling over interrupts this very awkward moment and Sebastian is grateful until he realizes that Kurt’s family arriving equals more awkward moments, though he expects them to be less weird than the Smythes, because their son isn’t an emotionally constipated mess the way Sebastian is.

Eloise walks back into the house to go open the front door. She could perfectly go to the front of the house through the backyard but she loves to show off her living room, so she’s very insistent on taking the long way. In the meantime, the boys go help Edward, which means Sebastian helps his dad with the coals while Kurt stands at a safe distance to avoid getting his clothes dirty.

Chatter is heard as the Hudmels walk into the house, and soon they’re joining them in the backyard, Burt looking around pretending he’s not as impressed as he is while Carole seems completely astonished by the property, mouth slightly open and hands pressed together like she’s about to start clapping. They walk in their direction, sharing kisses, hugs and handshakes.

“Why didn’t you or Finn tell us they were rich?” Carole asks Kurt, and Sebastian pretends not to hear.

He wonders what they say about him in that house, and he wishes he didn’t because his hands begin to sweat and he wants to hide under the nearest rock.

At least they seem to like him, so that’s a good sign. Probably.

There’s a lot of talk about the house between the mothers, while the fathers talk a lot about cars as they get the grill ready. In the meantime, the boys sit near the pool, their hands together on Sebastian’s lap. They play with their fingers intertwined, Kurt puts his head to Sebastian’s shoulder, and it’s so comfortable he wishes they could stay like that forever… But Finn abruptly storms into the backyard, all sweaty and panty. 

“Hey, sorry guys, I got kinda lost on the way here.”

Sebastian and Kurt share a chuckle, and Finn walks up to them after greeting the parents. He sits on the chair next to them and leans in to talk to his brother, “Dude, you could’ve been more specific.”

“You didn’t want to come with us, Finn,” Kurt says, “It’s not our fault you have the attention span of a five year old.”

“That’s the kind of stuff he says to me,” Finn replies, pointing at Sebastian, “You don’t have to be mean too.”

“What can I say, Hudson, I’m a bad influence.”

Burt calls Finn over to help them with something, and Sebastian is relieved to be left alone again. It’s true that he’s spent a lot of time with Kurt lately, but it still feels like it’s not enough. And spending time together in New York is very different to spending time together in Ohio, and they haven’t really spent a lot of time alone since they’re here anyway. They’ve basically spent the past few days with Finn, who’s latched onto them like a little kid to his parents.

So Sebastian decides it’s a good time to spend a little time alone. He squeezes Kurt’s hand and leans in to whisper.

“You wanna see my room?”

Kurt bites his lower lip as he looks past Sebastian to make sure nobody is looking at them, then nods.

Sebastian gets up and grabs his hand to lead them back inside the house, and they quietly make their way upstairs. It feels like he hasn’t been here in years, like it’s a house haunted by his old self, a boy he seems to have left behind so long ago. The truth is he has lived so many lives over the past few months, he has been so many people; each of them a different mask he puts on at different times. As he walks down the hallway hand in hand with Kurt, there’s no mask at reaching distance for him to put on.

He’s free, and naked, but he’s not as scared as he used to be.

He pushes the door without letting go of Kurt’s hand and he guides him inside, and makes sure to lock the door while Kurt looks around with as much wonder as he looked around the living room. Sebastian feels a little self-conscious about it, since it’s less than impressive and nothing more than the average teenage boy room one might see in a TV show, except it’s clean.

“So this is Sebastian Smythe’s evil lair,” Kurt says with a sigh, “It has a lot more personality than that dorm room at Dalton.”

“Why thank you.”

Kurt lets go of his hand and does an adorable twirl as he looks around, just to end up sitting at the foot of Sebastian’s bed, bouncing on it for a moment, “Huh. It’s the softest thing I’ve ever sat on, and it doesn’t make any noise.”

Sebastian puts his hands inside his pockets as he slowly walks towards the bed, “Yeah, that’s my favorite thing about it.”

Kurt raises an eyebrow, “Is that why you brought me up here?”

“No,” Sebastian says. He stands in front of Kurt and reaches for his hands. He loves Kurt’s hands; his soft skin and long, graceful fingers. The more he learns about him, the more he sees and explores, the more he realizes that there’s not an inch of him that’s not beautiful, nor a piece of his mind and soul. He’s not perfect, of course, but there is beauty in all of him, “I just wanted you to see my room.”

He honestly surprises himself with the fact that he fully means it.

“I like it,” Kurt says, “It’s nice to see that you were a boy once. You’ve always seemed so… Grown up to me. Childish and immature, but grown up.”

Sebastian sighs, “I’ve always felt so grown up. I like that you remind me that I’m not that grown up.”

He doesn’t know how to explain it, so he hopes Kurt understands what he means. There’s something youthful about their relationship that Sebastian cherishes with all his heart and soul; the way it didn’t start with them having sex, the way they both fell for each other by getting to know each other, the way Sebastian knows Kurt is not in it for the superficial things. He knows he’s not Kurt’s first love, but he’s happy to know Kurt is his.

And all of this, from the moment they met to the present, it feels like a first love.

Sebastian never really thought he’d have a first love.

“Are you okay?” Kurt asks with a soft voice.

He wants to tell him that he loves him, but the words still feel awkward everytime they come out of his mouth, so instead he says, “You’re a lot nicer than me.”

“Tell me something I don’t know,” Kurt replies.

He sounds so serious that Sebastian has to look down at him to make sure he doesn’t say it in a resentful way, but he finds him smiling. Of course he’s smiling. He has a beautiful smile, and it makes him wish he didn’t make him frown so much in the past, because he wishes he could look at that smile forever.

“I mean, I wouldn’t have forgiven me if I was you,” Sebastian clarifies.

Kurt gets up from the bed with Sebastian’s help and stands close to him with their hands together, fingers intertwined and palms pressed against each other. His grip on Sebastian’s hands is strong enough to ground him.

“You were never that bad, Seb. You tried to be, but you weren’t,” He says with painful sincerity, “Trust me, I know what bad people are like, and you were never the bad person you think you are.”

It feels wrong, but he knows Kurt is not lying, “What was I then?”

“You were stupid,” Kurt replies with a firm voice, “You were stupid, and you thought everyone hated you so you decided to give reasons to them and to yourself.”

Kurt must see something in his expression, because he lets go of his hands to cup his face. He leans in but doesn’t kiss him, instead he presses their foreheads together and it’s one of those occasions where the slightest touch feels more intimate than sex, and it makes him realize that, even though it’s barely been a couple of months, they’re past the ‘I want to fuck him’ stage and they’ve reached something different.

“Do you think they’d mind if we don’t join them?” Sebastian asks, and Kurt gives him a scolding look, “C’mon. This whole thing isn’t even about us.”

Kurt lets go of him and crosses his arms, “What do you suggest?”

“We could stay here,” Sebastian says with a shrug, “I just want us to be alone.”

Kurt takes a deep breath as he uncrosses his arms, then he throws them over Sebastian’s shoulders as he leans in to kiss him. Sebastian loves when Kurt is the one to kiss him, not because he feels shy to initiate a kiss or anything, but simply because it means Kurt actually wants to kiss him instead of just playing along. He pulls Sebastian closer until the kiss drowns every sound around them; every bird chirping and every blow of soft wind against the window.

It’s nice to be able to lose yourself with someone, in someone, this easily.

So they don’t go downstairs.

The world can go on without them.