Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

You were walking on a parallel line
Our meeting is a miracle
That miracle has happened
Maybe call it fate

—“Our Miracle” by Jinyoung

July 2011

The first time Jinyoung saw Jackson, standing on the other side of the door at the entrance to the JYP building, he thought he was so strikingly handsome that he must be an actor from Hong Kong, dropping by for an important meeting.

To Jinyoung’s surprise, the two staff members who were with the stranger introduced him as a new trainee who had just arrived from overseas. This attractive boy, with his big, brown eyes, easygoing smile, and athletic build, was a trainee, just like him? Jinyoung was still checking him out when Jackson held a hand out and offered his English name.

One of the staff members asked if, as a senior trainee of Jackson’s age, Jinyoung would be willing to join them on a tour of the facilities. He agreed out of politeness, even though he had quite honestly been looking forward to getting in a nap, exhausted from staying up late practicing for the upcoming monthly evaluation.

As Jackson turned out to be friendly, extremely talkative, and curious about everything around them, Jinyoung didn’t end up minding the disruption overly much. With his limited English, he couldn’t keep up with the chatter, but he did his best to decipher what Jackson and the staff member who was fairly fluent were saying, all the way through to lunch at a nearby restaurant.

When Jackson asked the staff for help deciphering the menu and told them emphatically that he was allergic to spicy food, Jinyoung suggested they order seolleongtang, for which the peppers were usually added to taste at the table. When he clumsily explained the concept to Jackson and rearranged the banchan dishes so that the few nonspicy items were on his side of the table, Jackson thanked him profusely and smiled so sincerely at him, his handsome features aglow, that Jinyoung briefly lost his grip on his chopsticks.

After their meal, Jinyoung had to return to the dance studio to continue practicing for the impending monthly evaluation, but before he departed, Jackson requested they exchange contact information so they could hang out again in the future. Jinyoung agreed out of courtesy, though he internally doubted they would ever see each other like this again, given that the foreigners were generally closer to one another than they were to the Korean trainees, and for someone like Jackson, making friends seemed to be as easy as breathing.

Jinyoung felt a modicum of regret about that, as he’d had fun today, despite the communication barriers and Jackson teasing him incessantly for rattling the table as he practiced his popping routine during the meal.

But just because they got along and Jinyoung wanted to know more about Jackson didn’t mean it would be wise. In the past two years, he had already befriended so many trainees who were eventually sent home, after which they always lost contact. He had always cherished his friends greatly, and each loss left a deep wound in his heart. In an effort to prevent it from happening again, he had been trying to keep more distance between himself and the other trainees in recent months.

That Jackson not only was good looking, but also had that overt cuteness to his personality that Jinyoung had always been drawn to only made the prospect of befriending him more dangerous. After all the time and effort he had poured into the training program, the last thing Jinyoung needed was to get in trouble for pursuing anyone. Not that Jackson, who oozed charisma, would ever look twice at him. More importantly, he probably wasn’t even interested in men. Maybe the idea would even repulse him.

It would undoubtedly be best for everyone if Jinyoung remained disciplined and maintained his distance. So, after they said goodbye, he determinedly put Jackson out of his mind.

There was already so much else to think about, anyway.

Later, the memory would amuse him: How could he have ever thought he would be able to forget Jackson? To move on from him?

Jackson was a force of nature, constantly, effortlessly, drawing everyone into his sphere, and Jinyoung went willingly every time.

When Jackson first met Jinyoung, he was immediately intrigued by this serious boy who worked so hard and loved dancing so much that he would diligently practice even while they were eating in public.

No matter how many trainees all across Seoul he befriended, Jackson never forgot that Jinyoung was the first—the first to welcome him to Korea, the first to eat with him, the first to listen patiently and attentively to him joking around and speaking nonsense despite only having a basic understanding of English.

As Jackson gradually assimilated to Korea, the Korean language, and the training program, he had expected the two of them to become fast friends. But although Jinyoung was always polite to him during the classes they shared, he offered up some vaguely plausible excuse every time Jackson invited him out. To Jackson’s dismay, Jinyoung seemed entirely resistant to his charms. It only made him more eager to win him over.

Reaching his nebulous goal was an uphill battle, though, because Jinyoung just didn’t seem to like him—and when Jackson practically begged him to be his partner for a monthly evaluation, Jinyoung even canceled on him at the last minute to partner up with someone else. Although Jackson, who had always been sensitive about rejection, was stung by Jinyoung’s last-minute abandonment and constant avoidance, he didn’t let it prevent him from trying again. He had never known when to give up, for better or worse.

But when Jackson’s friends wondered why he kept trying to befriend someone who was clearly uninterested in him, if not outright annoyed, he couldn’t quite put his reasoning into words. Everything he learned about Jinyoung from the other trainees made him more curious about him. There was this self-made perfection to him—an admirable yet infuriating flawlessness born of a potent combination of diligence and zeal—that made Jackson want to chip away at his restrained exterior, to be the one who could uncover what lay underneath.

And beyond that, there was simply an inexplicable longing in his heart to win Jinyoung over—this stubborn conviction that if only he could get Jinyoung to see his worth, if only he could earn his approval, then everything would be okay.

Besides, trying to win him over felt like an exciting challenge—and as the child of professional athletes, Jackson had been raised to never shy away from those.

His ambitions became even more urgent the first time he saw Jinyoung laugh uproariously at something Wonpil had said. Jackson was so immediately mesmerized by the joy radiating from him, by his careful composure shattering, that he stopped mid-sentence in his practically one-sided conversation with Mark, reduced to staring foolishly over his shoulder.

A seemingly inane thought had rushed into his head then:

He wanted badly to make Jinyoung laugh like that. Whatever it took, he wanted to be the one who made Jinyoung’s expressive eyes crinkle as he giggled behind his hand, folded over with the force of his adorably rhythmic laughter.

Jackson didn’t know it then, but in that moment, his fate was sealed. That yearning to be the one to make Jinyoung happy, to make him laugh and smile and let go, was something that would remain with him for the rest of his life. It would exhilarate him, ground him, and embolden him—and eventually, when he was plunged into a cold and unrelenting darkness, that pure, innocent desire would light his way as he clawed himself out of the crushing depths.

July 2013

Scoring a spot in a project group with Jinyoung was a gift Jackson had never expected, especially after Jinyoung had already debuted and Jackson had come to terms with the fact that he would rarely, if ever, see him anymore.

To his pleasant surprise, the assignment led to Jinyoung finally becoming his friend. Maybe it was only because they were required to spend all hours of the day together now, or maybe being forced to return to the training program had changed him, but Jinyoung seemed to loosen up and quickly warm up to Jackson, as if making up for lost time.

Jackson could hardly suppress his glee, especially because not only was Jinyoung no longer avoiding him, but they also made a genuinely great team. They motivated each other to work harder, encouraged each other when they were struggling, and always had each other’s backs when they were being berated by those in charge.

As they got to know each other better, Jackson figured out what Jinyoung liked to eat, what got him excited, and what eased his mind when he was stressed. He learned that Jinyoung had a sharp wit and an endless reserve of sarcasm, and that though he was quietly kind and considerate toward everyone, he had little tolerance for people and things that irritated him, or worse, wounded those closest to him, whom he cherished dearly.

And after secretly longing for it for so long, Jackson finally had the opportunity to make Jinyoung laugh. Making Jinyoung’s calm face shatter felt even better than he had expected, always summoning a flutter of excitement in his stomach, and he used every chance he got to make it happen. To his delight, he enjoyed Jinyoung’s dry sense of humor just as much.

Then, there came a terrible time when it seemed their budding friendship—and Jackson’s grand ambitions of making it big—would be cut short.

He had seen other project groups be dissolved, watched as countless other trainees were dismissed from the program—some recruited by other companies but many sent home, their dreams crushed—but he had always been an optimist. He hadn’t truly believed it would ever happen to him, no matter how often the instructors and directors threatened him with the prospect.

But then the verdict came. Despite all their hard work and dedication, their project group was to be dissolved. Jinyoung and Jaebeom would be returned to the pool of trainees for the second time, and Jackson and Mark would be sent home, just like all the others—their futures cut off, just like all the others’.

It felt agonizingly unfair. Jackson had left behind his promising fencing career and prestigious scholarship only to be declared not good enough despite applying that same work ethic to idol training. Mark had dropped out of high school and would have to return to the US with nothing to show for it while his friends there were well on their way to graduating from university.

Jackson almost wished it had happened sooner. Mark would be twenty in a few months, and Jackson would soon follow. What were they supposed to do with themselves now? What would become of their futures? The memory of his parents’ misgivings three years prior rang in his ears.

After they received the devastating news, Jaebeom found Jackson and Mark crying and holding each other on the kitchen floor of their dorm, the ramyeon they’d been in the middle of making sitting cold and untouched on the counter. Wordlessly, Jaebeom joined them, slumping against the refrigerator, and pulled them into a tight hug, choking on a sob.

Jinyoung must have overheard the cacophony, because he came over soon after and immediately embraced them too, squeezing them all like he couldn’t bear to let them go as tears streamed down his face. It was the first time Jackson had ever seen Jinyoung cry.

“I’m going to fight for you,” Jaebeom said, making a futile effort to wipe his face on his sleeve. “I’m not going to just let them send the two of you home.”

“Jaebeom, no,” Mark mumbled into Jinyoung’s tear-drenched shoulder. “You have to keep your head down so you can debut again.”

“How can I do that, after everything we’ve been through together?” Jaebeom demanded. “I won’t leave you behind, no matter what.” In a wobbly voice, over the ugly sounds of their bawling, he added, “You know what? If they refuse to change their minds, then I’ll quit. They may be willing to lose two of us, but are they willing to lose three of us?”

“You can’t!” Jackson exclaimed, distraught at the mere notion. “Hyung, that’s way too risky. What if they call your bluff?”

“It’s not a bluff,” Jaebeom said, sniffling. “I mean it. I don’t want to do this if it’s not with all of us there.”

“What? But…”

“Make that four of us,” Jinyoung interjected, determined. “I’m going with you, hyung.”

“Jinyoung, no, no, no,” Jackson pleaded, thinking of how dedicated he had been since Jackson had first met him, of the dreams he had shyly told Jackson about over the fast food they had shared in the practice room. “The two of you are elite trainees. You’re guaranteed to debut again. You can’t throw it all away for us.”

“He’s right,” Mark said.

“Don’t worry,” Jinyoung replied, kissing each of their foreheads. His lips left a warm impression on Jackson’s skin that made his stomach swoop, despite everything. “We’ll make them understand it’s in their best interest not to separate us.”

“If we do this, we do it together,” Jaebeom pledged. “If we die, we die together.”

Jackson wept in gratitude, hugging them all the tighter.

Miraculously, their gambit worked. When faced with the prospect of losing their star trainees, the directors acquiesced and agreed to give the project group another chance.

After that, even when things felt impossibly difficult, even when it felt as if they were being continually punished for daring to question the higher-ups’ initial decision, Jackson relished being part of a real team—one in which they would risk it all for one another without question. He never forgot the faith that Jaebeom and Jinyoung had had in him. It sustained him through the terrifying uncertainty and grueling days that left him feeling like a husk of himself, and long after.

Soon, the younger members joined them and became people Jackson was determined to protect and defend just as fiercely as Jaebeom and Jinyoung had protected him and Mark. The thought of other people depending on him had always sustained Jackson, ever since he had joined his first fencing team and even more so after he became captain. Their new teammates were not only extraordinarily talented but lively too, and they managed to make Jackson laugh even on the most stressful of days.

No part of their journey went as smoothly as Jackson would have hoped, but eventually, they made it to their debut showcase.

After all the hard work, all the sleepless nights, all the fear and stomach-churning anxiety of once again getting axed, they finally had the chance to show off the fruits of their labor to the general public. Although their performances didn’t exactly go off without a hitch, they managed to make it to the end of the show.

As they were piling backstage, triumphant, Jackson high-fived and embraced each of the members, adrenaline and an addicting sense of accomplishment rushing through his veins. He felt like he had just won a tournament. Even better, maybe, given the volume of the audience’s cheers. It was a different kind of spectator, a different kind of adulation.

Later, they would be going over the recordings with their managers, and there would undoubtedly be critiques and nitpicks, and Jackson would likely be told off for something or other. Then, even after the exhaustion set in, they would still have to practice late through the night. And tomorrow they would go through it all again.

But in this moment, all Jackson could see was Jaebeom’s proud smile, Mark’s quiet satisfaction, BamBam’s and Yugyeom’s adrenaline-fueled excitement, Youngjae’s relieved grin—and the exhilaration in Jinyoung’s eyes that echoed the electrifying feeling in Jackson’s chest.

Gathering in a circle, the seven of them stacked their hands in the center. Jaebeom spelled out their team name, and in unison, they all shouted, “Jjai!” and lifted their hands.

Across the circle, Jinyoung caught Jackson’s eye and smiled fondly at him, like a secret shared between the two of them—and for one precious moment, despite their team’s noisy jubilation, the staff’s futile attempts to get their attention, and the persistent pounding of Jackson’s heart, the rest of the world fell away.

Chapter Text

So dangerous, you can see my heart, it’s see-through
So beautiful, you’re stealing my line of vision
So dangerous, you’re driving me crazy, baby
Even your smallest gestures, I’m done

—“Paradise” by GOT7, co-written by Jinyoung

September 2014

Life after debut was even more exhausting than that of a trainee and far more stressful, which Jackson hadn’t even realized was possible until it became his reality.

But there was a different sense of responsibility they bore together, now that they had crossed that one crucial benchmark. Through the highs and lows, the stress and strife, the fights and apologies, the members grew closer, and the resulting kinship buoyed Jackson through even the hardest of times.

As time went on, Jinyoung became an invaluable source of comfort and advice for him, a steadfast rock he could moor himself to.

Initially, Jinyoung’s poise had made Jackson itch to drag him out of his shell, but soon he began to find his reserve soothing. Although it pained him to admit it, Jackson had always been sensitive to perceived criticism and being wronged or slighted, and Jinyoung’s rational yet empathetic consolation was invaluable when he got upset or worked up about something, which, in those days, was a near constant.

Whenever Jackson was having a hard time—whether because he had once again gotten in trouble after he’d said something innocuous on a broadcast, because he was being picked on by an instructor or director during practice, or because he had ended up in yet another fight with a member—calm, thoughtful Jinyoung was there to listen to him vent, assure him that his frustration was valid, and talk him into letting go of his anger and indignation.

Endlessly grateful for his concern, Jackson made it a priority to be there for Jinyoung in return. Sometimes he would become trapped in a terrible negative spiral and begin to doubt himself, his decisions, and his future, and Jackson prided himself on knowing how to best pull him out of it. Although he tried to downplay them, Jinyoung had dreams that he kept close to his chest. Jackson voiced his enthusiastic support for all of them, encouraging him to pursue his true ambitions rather than settle for what he felt were more sensible and easily achieved goals.

But to Jackson’s disappointment, he still couldn’t definitively dub himself Jinyoung’s closest friend in the group.

As two introverts who highly valued their alone time, Jinyoung and Mark had quickly clicked. They often spent quiet time together away from the more gregarious members, as they had even before debut, when Jinyoung had contributed to helping Mark acclimate to Korea.

Jackson wasn’t jealous, exactly—or at least he couldn’t bear to name the pinched feeling in his gut—but he always noticed when Jinyoung gravitated toward him versus when he gravitated toward Mark, even when it came to little things like napping together in a waiting room. It made him feel unbearably sullen.

Then, one day, his one-sided competition for Jinyoung’s regard turned into something else entirely.

Exhausted from recording an appearance on a variety show, a field in which he had begun to be recognized, Jackson was ready to collapse by the time he got back to the dorm. The door to his and Mark’s room was shut, and the lights were out, so he assumed Mark was sleeping.

Instead, what he saw when he tiptoed into the room, illuminated only by the streetlights on the other side of the window, was Jinyoung straddling Mark on his floor mattress and kissing his neck, Mark’s hand buried in his hair.

At the sound of Jackson’s footsteps, Jinyoung looked over his shoulder, eyes wide. They met Jackson’s equally shocked ones as Mark cursed and sat up.

“You’re back early,” he said.

Finally seeming to unfreeze at the sound of Mark’s voice, Jinyoung hurriedly climbed off his lap.

“Yeah, I, uh… I guess the shoot went pretty smoothly.” Jackson cleared his throat. “Um. Anyway. Sorry!”

He backed out of the room, panic in his throat. Something acrid and serpentine twisted in his belly as he dashed to the bathroom and quickly shut the door behind him.

He slumped against it for an endless moment, struggling to breathe through the sudden, inexplicable knot of hurt in his chest.

He had lost after all.

Still, it was just friendship; it shouldn’t make him feel as if he’d been crushed by an avalanche, shouldn’t make him want to burst into tears. Just because Jackson had been maybe just a little obsessed with Jinyoung ever since they were trainees didn’t mean he deserved to monopolize his time.

Who Jinyoung wanted to make out with was none of Jackson’s business. So what if Mark got to be kissed by Jinyoung’s plush mouth? So what if Jinyoung’s hair, which he was always so protective of, had been ruffled by Mark’s hand? So what if they were probably in love and going to get married and live happily ever after?

Why should any of that matter to Jackson? It wasn’t like he—

Oh.

The next day, Jinyoung pulled Jackson aside after they finished a shoot. “I wanted to talk to you,” he said, sounding tense and nervous, worry creasing his brow. “Uh, about yesterday—“

Jackson, who had spent the past sixteen hours in a daze as he worked through a painful epiphany, shook his head rapidly.

“What’s there to talk about?” he replied, putting on a cheerful voice. He didn’t want Jinyoung to worry, or worse, to have any reason to suspect Jackson’s feelings. “Your secret’s safe with me. I’m happy for the two of you.”

Jinyoung frowned. “You don’t have any questions? Concerns?”

“Nope,” Jackson said brightly, turning away. “Anyway, we need to head out soon. Let’s not keep the others waiting.”

Not long after, Jinyoung and Mark told the group they were dating, and even though Jackson wasn’t surprised, it still felt as if they’d slipped a knife between his ribs.

But he loved them both, so he put on a happy face, acting just as unfazed as the others. That night, though, he hugged his pillows tightly and sniffled beneath the covers, feeling pathetic.

For the most part, Jinyoung didn’t treat him any differently after the announcement, but Jackson tried to protect his heart by forcing some distance between them. The other members were happy to spend time with him, grabbing food, skateboarding, or shooting hoops, and just generally getting to know each other better.

Although Jackson was excited about getting closer to the rest of the team and had plenty of other friends to spend time with, he still missed Jinyoung and their serious talks terribly. He couldn’t stand how awkward and sullen he felt around Mark either, whom, ironically, he had once harbored a crush on.

But the idea of joking around with them while images flashed through his mind of what he had walked in on that fateful day and what they must be doing the times they chose to hang back at the dorms while the rest of the members went out was too awful.

To try to get over the hopeless situation, Jackson started asking other people out. The dating ban made sneaking around a necessity, especially since Jackson had already been caught once as a trainee, but at the end of the day, the forbidden nature of it was exciting and an adequate distraction from the emotions he wished he could scrub from his brain.

What he never expected was for it to draw Jinyoung’s attention.

“Why are you putting so many hearts in your message?”

Jackson looked up from composing the text, which didn’t have that many heart emojis—did it?

“What’s wrong with sending hearts to my boyfriend?” he asked. He willed himself not to visibly react to how close Jinyoung was, having scooted over on the living room couch and leaned in close to see his screen. Jackson could feel a whisper of his breath on the side of his cheek.

Jinyoung frowned. “Boyfriend?”

“I mean, I guess it’s too early to call him that. We’re still technically in the talking phase. But I want my intentions to be clear.” He eyed Jinyoung, whose expression was oddly pinched. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Jackson, you shouldn’t joke about that kind of thing,” Jinyoung chided in the tone he used when the maknae line was misbehaving.

Jackson sputtered, “Excuse me? I’m not joking. Why would you even think that?”

Jinyoung’s face settled into a carefully blank expression. “Are you saying you’re… You’re dating a guy?”

“Yes…?” Jackson answered, feeling incredulous.

“You’re gay?” Jinyoung asked, as if he were completely boggled by the concept. If Jackson hadn’t had ample evidence of Jinyoung being in a relationship with a man, he’d be worried he was homophobic.

Jackson shrugged. “I’m bi, and I mostly like guys. What, am I not allowed to be queer too?”

“No, I…just didn’t realize. You never said.”

Jackson shot him a look of disbelief. “I don’t exactly hide it. I thought it was obvious.”

“Not to me,” Jinyoung replied. His face was doing something strange.

When Jinyoung didn’t say anything else, Jackson prompted, “Is something wrong?” He was a little afraid to hear the answer.

Jinyoung shook his head adamantly. “Of course not.” Belatedly, he added, “Sorry. Thank you for telling me.”

He was clearly lying, but Jackson didn’t understand why that would be the case. Normally, he would badger Jinyoung for an answer and refuse to relent until he told Jackson the truth, but this was dangerous territory. He couldn’t risk giving away his secret, especially now that he had the perfect alibi of being involved with someone else.

Besides, it wasn’t like Jinyoung was being weird because he actually cared about whom Jackson dated, much less their gender. He must really have thought Jackson was straight, somehow, and just needed a moment to recalibrate to his new reality.

Jackson had—well, almost—come to terms with it by then: Jinyoung would never see him in that light. So what? Mark was a good guy, and he was independent, well behaved, and unfairly attractive. Jinyoung deserved the best, and Jackson was all too aware he had a ways to go before he approached anything close.

It wasn’t the first time his feelings had been unrequited. Surely, with time, this silly, poorly timed crush would pass, just like all the other ones had.

All he needed to do was ride it out.

To Jackson’s chagrin, the relationship he’d been hoping for never went anywhere serious, and neither did the other ones he pursued.

Not only was coordinating idol schedules plus his extra variety show tapings a nightmare, but his feelings never seemed to develop past surface-level crushes at best, no matter how hard he willed them to.

Throughout the trysts, regardless of how hot or fun the guys were, he couldn’t stop thinking about Jinyoung and how much more chemistry they had, even if it was platonic. And when he tried taking a few cute girls out on proper dates, he spent the entire time bored and distracted and feeling like he would just rather be hanging out with Jinyoung instead.

In the end, sick of the constant phone tag; the awkward meals; the rushed, mechanical sex; the inane arguments; and worst of all, the lack of sparks, Jackson decided he was better off single if he couldn’t have the one he truly wanted.

So what if the man he was maybe a little in love with was taken? If he couldn’t find a worthy distraction, and he couldn’t manage to move past the irksome feelings, then he would just have to live with them. If that meant hanging pathetically around Jinyoung, hoping he’d pay attention to him, then so be it.

If he had no choice but to content himself with being Jinyoung’s friend, then Jackson was going to dedicate himself to being the best damn friend Jinyoung had ever had.

It was hardly the victory he had really been aching for this whole time. But it would have to be good enough.

June 2015

Jackson couldn’t pinpoint exactly when it had started, but for months now, Jinyoung had been making him go out of his mind.

Although he was still with Mark, Jinyoung had been growing steadily more physically affectionate with Jackson. Often, he would sit dangerously close to him and touch his leg, reach for his hand, or drag him close with an arm around his shoulders. Jackson barely had to crack a joke and Jinyoung would be there, laughing and hugging him. It was just enough that it seemed casual and innocent but also left Jackson’s mind racing and body buzzing, craving so much more.

The rational part of Jackson was certain his feelings were simply making him read too much into the natural progression of their friendship. After all, Jinyoung had always been a tactile person. And Jackson would still often see him stretched out beside Mark on one of their beds, reading books or watching videos while Mark napped or scrolled through social media. They still went out to eat together or chose to stay behind while the rest of the members went out—not as frequently as they used to, Jackson had quietly observed, but their schedules were far busier than they used to be too.

Whatever Jinyoung’s intentions, his confusing behavior threatened the fragile peace Jackson had made with his relationship. He had always been tactile too, and when it was the guy he was kind of in love with doling out physical affection so generously, he couldn’t help but reciprocate. The moments when he got to briefly entertain the idea that Jinyoung might actually be interested in him after all were dangerously addictive.

His wishful thinking made him feel like a terrible person, though. Mark was his friend, and Jackson truly was glad that he had found someone, who hopefully helped bring him comfort and stave off the homesickness he used to quietly tell Jackson about, back when they would speak a far clumsier mix of Mandarin, English, and Korean to each other.

Mark had been one of Jackson’s very first friends in Korea. Jackson would never want to do anything that would put their friendship in real danger.

He just wished that the person who made Mark happy was anyone else on the planet.

To make matters worse, Jackson started to get the impression that Mark knew about his hopeless crush. There was a chance he was only being paranoid—he felt like he was wearing a big neon sign announcing his feelings at all times—but he swore he sometimes sensed Mark watching when Jinyoung was smiling and laughing with him.

Usually, by the time Jackson glanced his way, Mark acted like he hadn’t been looking in their direction, but there were a few times when Jackson was pretty sure he had glimpsed the tail end of a glare.

Increasingly, Mark also seemed harsher with him than before, which, to be fair, could be attributed to various other factors: the long, draining days; Jackson’s distracted state from constantly rushing between filming and GOT7 schedules; or even the recent chaos of coming back to their dorm from overseas and discovering their room had been infested with fruit flies.

But Jackson, who admittedly had a habit of pushing people’s boundaries, didn’t think he was imagining that he often got the brunt of Mark’s temper.

The negative attention made him prickle. He had never been above tossing sharp words—or if that failed, getting physical—when people were picking on him, and he’d already had plenty of jealous resentment toward Mark built up.

It all came to a head when they were moving vital items from their room to the one they’d be staying in temporarily. Something as petty as the division of their belongings sparking a fight wasn’t particularly unusual for the two of them, especially in recent weeks.

But then the enraged Mark hurled an accusation—and a nearby pair of slippers, one after the other—at Jackson for constantly flirting with Jinyoung and trying to steal him away, and something in Jackson snapped.

He dodged the projectiles and dove for Mark, grabbing him. Immediately, Mark seized him back, his glare lethal.

“You know what?” Jackson snarled in Mark’s face as they scuffled. “You’re right! I do like him. But name one time I’ve actually tried to get between the two of you! You’re really going to come at me when I’ve been so supportive this whole damn time?”

It was Jaebeom and Jinyoung who heard the commotion and discovered them shoving each other, because that was just Jackson’s luck.

They forced the two of them apart, and when Jinyoung saw that Mark was crying, he hugged him, looking aghast.

Held back by Jaebeom, who was trying to get them to explain what had set them off, Jackson seethed with bitter envy. How could Mark act like he was threatened by Jackson when he was the one with everything Jackson wanted and would never have?

“You okay?” Jaebeom asked Jackson, who barely registered the question as he watched Jinyoung set an arm around Mark’s shoulders and guide him out of the room. He had hardly even looked at Jackson.

The notion that he may have disappointed Jinyoung made Jackson’s chest grow tight.

He shouldn’t have let Mark’s words get to him. He shouldn’t have gotten physical. He should have kept his mouth shut. He should have just denied it.

What if Mark told Jinyoung what Jackson had confessed to? What if Jinyoung was disgusted by him? What if he didn’t want to be friends anymore?

Sniffling, Jackson buried his face in Jaebeom’s shoulder. Jaebeom patted his back a little awkwardly. Jackson was grateful regardless.

More than anything, he just wanted Jinyoung to choose him.

But that was only more wishful thinking.

Jackson and Mark didn’t speak for days, even though they had to get through Japanese promotions amid their stony silence. The other members seemed to sense their fight was beyond the scope of their regular arguments about inconsequential things and tried to cover up for them on broadcasts while pleading for them to make up off air.

By the time they returned to Seoul, the exterminator had come and dealt with the infestation in their dorm room. Unfortunately, they hadn’t cleaned up the dead insects, so Jackson and Mark had to continue to stay in BamBam and Yugyeom’s room temporarily.

Once their room was ready for habitation and Jackson had combed through it with his bug zapper to ensure there were no stragglers, he moved back in.

But Mark refused to return.

It tore a hole in the still tender Jackson. The fight had been their worst ever, but he’d still expected it to blow over eventually, just like all their other ones.

But even after he apologized to Mark and expressed how much he wanted to be roommates again, Mark cited the lack of air conditioning, Jackson’s hoarding habits, and the trauma from the infestation as reasons he wouldn’t be moving back in. It was obvious none of that was the crux of the issue, but Jackson was worried that if he pointed it out, they would just end up in another fight.

The members adapted. Despite being the eldest, Mark rarely demanded anything other than for them to behave in front of the cameras and leave him alone the rest of the time, so they didn’t dare question his abrupt decision. Jaebeom ended up volunteering to move to Jackson’s old bed, relegating Jackson to the top bunk and allowing Mark to move in with Youngjae.

Eventually, things went back to being somewhat normal. It was hard to know what Mark was thinking at the best of times, but Jackson tried his best to draw laughter out of him and avoid doing anything that would piss him off.

He had been so afraid that Jinyoung would think badly of him after the fight, but if anything, after the new roommate configurations had been sorted out, Jinyoung and Mark were the ones who prickled more easily at each other. They bickered about minor things and periodically seemed to be giving each other the cold shoulder, though they did always appear to make up afterward.

Despite his jealousy, Jackson was worried about them, paranoid that he had inadvertently come between them. No matter his own feelings, there was no way he wanted to be in any way responsible for causing strife in their relationship.

He was so concerned that he even started trying to engineer situations for the two of them to be alone, strategically inviting the others out to free up the dorm, getting the two of them to partner up while they were filming, and trying to put more distance between himself and Jinyoung again.

Sabotaging himself felt a little ridiculous, but at this point, he just wanted things to go back to the way they had been more than anything.

Despite his efforts, some weeks later, Jackson received shocking news from big mouth BamBam.

“Did you hear about Mark-hyung and Jinyoung-hyung?” he asked over the sizzle of the grill between them.

“What about them?” Jackson asked warily as he deposited the barbecued meat onto BamBam’s plate.

“They broke up,” BamBam said, like he hadn’t just turned Jackson’s world upside down.

Jackson’s jaw dropped. “Huh? What? When?”

“I overheard them talking, and then Jinyoung-hyung confirmed it when I asked him at MCountdown yesterday.”

Abruptly, Jackson stood up, his chair scraping against the floor. The proprietor and the other patrons looked over at their table, but he barely noticed the attention he was attracting. The restaurant suddenly felt too small for the cyclone of emotions in his chest. His entire body was shaking.

“I’ll be right back,” he told BamBam, who was looking up at him with a cartoonishly bewildered expression. “Go ahead and keep eating.”

“Where are you going?” BamBam called after him. “Jackson-hyung? Hey! You said it was your treat!” But Jackson just waved to him over his shoulder and jogged out the door.

He strolled through the back streets of Cheongdam, hands in his pockets, unaware of anything but this new, grandiose truth. The sky seemed a brighter blue all of a sudden, the birds’ chirping louder, the air fresher.

Jinyoung was single.

Jinyoung was single!

After all this time, Jackson might actually have a chance. But—

But then there was Mark.

Jackson stopped in his tracks as reality caught up with him. A car honked as it swerved around him.

Picturing Mark’s reaction to him making a move on Jinyoung, he winced. Their relationship was still in a delicate state. He knew with sudden clarity that if he asked Jinyoung out like he immediately wanted to, his friendship with Mark could be ruined for good—even if Jinyoung turned him down. And if the latter happened, it had the potential to ruin his friendship with Jinyoung too.

Even worse, it could antagonize the other members or risk ruining the group dynamic. They might feel compelled to take sides, or everyone might end up uniting against Jackson. It could tear the team apart.

He couldn’t risk that. It was unthinkable. There was nothing more important to him than the team.

Jackson sagged, the adrenaline draining from him all at once. It was like having a real shot at winning a tournament and then getting injured in the semifinals. He was so close. He wanted that victory so badly.

But…

His eyes swam with tears as he realized that even if Jinyoung wasn’t committed to someone else, he would always remain out of reach.

Even if Mark hadn’t won the bout in the end, he had still gotten there first. And now it would always be inappropriate for Jackson to make a move. Now Jinyoung would date other people, people Jackson wouldn’t even be able to trust as much as he trusted Mark, and he would still be relegated to the sidelines.

Then again, no matter how much that hurt, Jinyoung and Mark had to be feeling even worse. The only thing Jackson could do now was be there for both of them. As a friend and nothing more. As always.

Fundamentally, though their breakup changed everything, it would also change nothing. Jackson would have to live with that.

He wiped his face on the collar of his shirt, sniffling.

As long as he could continue to spend his days at Jinyoung’s side, that would be enough.

It would have to be.

Chapter Text

You start me up a million times
And I’m terrified
That you could leave me crying

—“Come Alive” by Jackson Wang

September 2015

“Jinyoung-ah!”

Jackson’s shout was Jinyoung’s only warning before Jackson slid his door open and pounced on his bed, kneeling over Jinyoung’s legs, which were twisted in the covers.

“Have you eaten? Want to get saengseon-hoe with me?”

Jinyoung rubbed his eyes blearily.

“Did I wake you up? Sorry! I’ll leave you alone.” Jackson hopped off him just as quickly as he had climbed on. He was a constant whirl of life and color, something that had once been overwhelming but then become incredibly endearing over time.

Jinyoung snatched Jackson’s wrist before he could escape and yanked him back to the bed. Jackson let him, perching beside him on the edge of the mattress. Encircling his waist with his arms, Jinyoung tugged him down until Jackson was splayed half over him.

Flailing, Jackson yelped, “Hey! What are you doing?”

Jinyoung laughed. “Sleeping,” he answered, cuddling him close and inhaling his scent. Jackson liked using fragrances liberally, but Jinyoung treasured being close enough to detect his natural scent beneath it, the masculine musk and sweat that reminded him of the briny ocean breeze in Jinhae’s bayfront. “You wake me up, you get to be my pillow.”

From the moment they had first met, Jinyoung had found Jackson especially handsome, but after his and Mark’s relationship had fizzled out, it was as if a dam had been released. His brain appeared to have been helping him repress a great deal while he had been committed to someone else. Now that it was free to feel, he seemed to be experiencing all that pent-up, tightly guarded attraction at once.

He yearned to be around Jackson constantly. The moment he walked into a room, Jinyoung would feel his heart leap in excitement. He found almost anything Jackson did entirely too hilarious or adorable. Just being around him seemed to give Jinyoung a burst of energy.

Unfortunately, he had begun to feel this way just as Jackson had become increasingly busy with his variety show schedules and often couldn’t make their group schedules or practices, or had to be late for them. Whether they were stuck in a waiting room, going through scripts, or simply at dance practice, Jinyoung missed him. He always saved up stories to tell him. And the moment Jackson joined them, Jinyoung would coax him over, eager to bask in his presence.

No matter the situation, he found his gaze constantly drifting over to Jackson. Sometimes he would even be looking back, though he always turned his head away quickly when he saw that Jinyoung had spotted him.

That was part of a confounding pattern that had been driving Jinyoung mad.

One minute, Jackson would be showering him with affection—hugging him for no reason, tangling their legs together, even puckering his lips at him like he was threatening to kiss him—and the next, he would seem to get spooked and quickly withdraw. Because of it, Jinyoung had initially been convinced that Jackson was just playing around, teasing and pretending to flirt with and simper over Jinyoung because he thought it was funny or was doing it for the fans.

But that didn’t explain why he behaved the same way off camera. And it was no justification for the way Jinyoung felt something electric spark between them whenever their eyes met across a room.

Nor for the way Jackson was allowing Jinyoung to spoon him, even leaning into his embrace for a sweet, extended moment, before seeming to catch himself and pulling away so he could sit back up.

Jinyoung frowned. Jackson was generally a straightforward person by nature, so it didn’t seem likely that he would engage in mind games and try to play hard to get. But whatever his intentions, the effect on Jinyoung was the same, motivating him to go after Jackson harder, to make his interest ever more obvious.

“Sure you don’t want me to leave you alone?” Jackson asked. “You stayed out practicing alone so late last night.”

“You got back from filming just as late,” Jinyoung pointed out. “No, I’m awake now. And hungry. Saengseon-hoe sounds good.”

A short walk from the dorm, the restaurant was one they frequented. Outside, the oppressive humidity of summer had given way to the crisp air of autumn. Pinks and purples were woven through the evening sky, the last sliver of the setting sun illuminating the golden foliage covering the hillsides at this time of year. The streets were littered with suited office workers heading for subway and bus stops or for the nearest convenience store. Traffic was at a standstill, and the two of them wove through it with practiced ease.

“So, I never got a chance to ask you,” Jinyoung said as they dug with relish into the large plate of sliced raw fish arranged in utilitarian rows. “What did the director want to talk to you about yesterday, before practice?”

“Oh, that? He was monitoring the latest edit of the guest appearance I filmed for that one show. I got scolded for saying some things I’m not supposed to on broadcasts.”

“Again? What kind of things?”

“Where do I begin?” Jackson grumbled, then began running down the list animatedly, counting off on his fingers. While he spoke, Jinyoung alternated between watching him and making him ssam with the best slices of fish and freshest pieces of lettuce.

“That’s so annoying,” Jinyoung said, rolling his eyes, when Jackson concluded with a scoff. “The last one I kind of get, but nobody’s actually going to care about the rest of that.”

“I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal either,” Jackson groused. “How am I supposed to remember all these rules when I have to be thinking of ways to make the audience laugh at the same time?”

Frowning, Jinyoung asked, “Doesn’t it get exhausting, having to force yourself to be funny all the time?”

“Sometimes,” Jackson admitted. “I’m good at it, though. I mean, you like my jokes too.”

“Of course I do,” Jinyoung answered truthfully. “I think you’re the funniest person in the world.”

Jackson smiled behind his glass of water, his eyes lowering bashfully. Despite how much time he spent courting compliments from the people around him, praise always seemed to bring out a rare shyness in him. Finding it much too cute, Jinyoung enjoyed springing it on him and getting to see that reaction.

“But that doesn’t mean you need to strain yourself to be constantly funny on camera,” he reasoned. “Especially on top of the extra work you’re already doing.”

“I suppose,” Jackson said, reaching for more wasabi. “It’s an easy way to make situations feel less awkward, though. And to quickly get people to like me, especially with limited screen time. I mean, you get it, right? You’re funny too.”

“Yeah, but my kind of funny isn’t exactly the type that makes people like me.”

Jackson laughed. “Hey, it works on me.”

Jinyoung grinned crookedly. His jokes often went over people’s heads or left them flustered and taken aback, so he loved that Jackson not only got but also enjoyed his sense of humor.

“What if I gave you some sort of signal when we’re on broadcasts together?” he suggested. “Some type of indication that the mood is good, and the audience seems engaged, so you can sit back and relax, and not have to work so hard?”

Jackson’s eyes widened. “Really? You’d do that for me?”

“Of course. It’s no trouble.”

They spent the rest of the meal brainstorming potential signals and riffing on more and more outlandish ones that had them both sputtering with laughter. Once they had settled on a gesture that was innocuous yet unmistakable enough, it felt as if they were in on a special secret together. Jinyoung liked knowing there was something shared only between the two of them.

Jackson seemed satisfied too. He refilled Jinyoung’s teacup before attending to his own. “I appreciate it, Jinyoung-ah,” he said quietly. “Not many people are willing to see past the bright, fun side of me.”

Jinyoung frowned. “That’s their loss. I like you as a person, not just because you make me laugh. I like it equally as much when we talk about serious things.”

Jackson smiled, shy and sincere, and Jinyoung’s heart fluttered at the sight of it, at the idea that he could put that sweet expression on Jackson’s face.

“Really? You’re not just saying that?”

“Really,” Jinyoung said. He reached out across the table and set his hand over Jackson’s. “You have so much depth to you, Jacksonie. So much wisdom. It’s okay to show the world that side of you too.”

Jackson turned his hand over and clasped Jinyoung’s. “That means a lot to me,” he mumbled, ducking his head. His face was pink under his cap. “Thank you.”

A wave of helpless affection swept through Jinyoung. He squeezed Jackson’s hand and didn’t move his own away as they finished the remainder of the teapot.

Neither did Jackson.

January 2016

“All right, that’s all for today!” the choreographer announced. After they bowed and thanked him, Mark and Youngjae heaved sighs of relief, and Jackson and Jaebeom flopped to the ground with dual groans. As always, they all offered one another encouragement, exchanging hand clasps and back slaps.

“Good work today!”

“Well done!”

“Nice job!”

Jinyoung went over to sit on the floor next to Jackson, who lolled his head his way. “Not staying late today?”

“I thought we were celebrating tonight,” Jinyoung replied.

“Oh, right! Since our Japanese album is finished!” Jackson readjusted his cap. “Well, good. You’ve been working too hard anyway. It’ll be good for you to take a break.”

“Says the guy who’s even busier,” Jinyoung teased. He extended his hand to Jackson. “Come on, let’s do our cooldown stretches. The sooner we get them done, the sooner we can get going.”

They moved methodically through the cooldown exercises together. At one point, as Jinyoung stretched his arms over his head, the hem of his shirt lifted and revealed a sliver of stomach. He could feel eyes on him, and when he glanced over, he caught Jackson looking. Although Jinyoung hadn’t done it on purpose, he preened, stretching a little farther to keep Jackson’s gaze on him.

He was waging revenge, in a way. At their dorm, Jackson was frequently shirtless, and it had been tormenting Jinyoung for months now. He couldn’t stop rudely staring. He wanted to kiss the swell of Jackson’s pecs, to run his fingers down the line of his abdomen, to suck bruises along his shoulder blades. He wanted desperately to know how the tendons of his neck tasted.

Since he didn’t have Jackson’s confidence in his body—far from it—the thought of him feeling even a fraction of interest, even just for a fleeting second, toward Jinyoung’s physical appearance was exhilarating.

The seven of them bundled up for the chilly walk to the convenience store to pick up drinks and dinner. After a rousing game of rock-paper-scissors outside the entrance that had the other customers giving them a wide berth and some pointed glares, Jaebeom and Jinyoung ended up as the victims who would have to foot the bill.

On the way back to their dorm, Jackson nudged Jinyoung and began to trail behind the group. Jinyoung slowed down to join him, curious.

“I got something for you,” Jackson said, his arms loaded with a twelve-pack of cheap beer. “But don’t let the others know, or else they’ll get on my case for not buying anything for them.”

Jinyoung snorted. They certainly would. “What is it?”

“It’s in my pocket.”

“In here?” Jinyoung shifted the plastic bags he was laden with to one hand and reached into Jackson’s left coat pocket with the other.

“No, not that pocket. The other one.”

“Oh, you mean here?” Jinyoung slid his hand into the left pocket of Jackson’s sweatpants without thinking, realizing too late that he could feel the shape of Jackson’s shapely thigh through the interior fabric. A flicker of heat flashed through him. He wanted to touch it properly, to sink his teeth into the strong muscles.

Jackson yelped. “I meant the one on the other side! In my coat!”

“Then you should have been more specific!” Jinyoung retorted, blushing as he quickly withdrew his hand.

Jackson giggled. His cheeks were rosy too, though the cold could have been to blame for that.

Jinyoung reached around Jackson from behind to dig into his other coat pocket. For a moment, it felt as if he were wrapping an arm around his date—yet another thing he longed to do.

As he retrieved the treat, the wrapper crinkled familiarly. “Homerun Ball?”

“Yep,” Jackson said. “It’s your favorite, right? To make up for having to pay for everyone.”

“It is,” Jinyoung confirmed, pleased that Jackson had remembered. He pocketed the candy with a smile. “That’s nice of you. Thanks. Did you get something for Jaebeom-hyung too?”

Jackson shot him a mischievous look. “What if I said no?”

Jinyoung snickered. “Then I would treasure this precious gift all the more.” He patted his pocket.

As Jackson laughed, Jinyoung’s mind raced. Why was Jackson buying him candy? Was it something he normally did for his friends? Did he really just feel bad that Jinyoung had lost the game? Or was he trying to tell him something?

Although something seemed to have shifted between them over the past few months, with Jackson approaching him more and running away less, and Jinyoung growing bolder as a result, he still often found himself questioning whether he was reading too much into Jackson’s actions. Sometimes, he felt as if they hovered at a precipice, with neither of them willing to take the leap off the cliff for fear that the other wouldn’t follow.

“Hyung, are you in?”

“Hm?” Jinyoung startled as he realized BamBam was tapping his shoulder. The members were all gathered in the living room of their dorm, drinking and eating their spoils and letting loose together, but Jinyoung had lost track of the larger conversation when he and Jackson had ended up talking and laughing in the corner on their own. “In for what?”

“Rock-paper-scissors—loser has to chug this somaek.” BamBam held up a pint glass filled to the brim with the soju-beer mixture.

Jinyoung eyed it warily. “Haven’t I suffered enough tonight?”

Jackson perched his elbow on Jinyoung’s shoulder. “Come on, Jinyoung-ah! Don’t be a wimp!”

Jinyoung got to have the last laugh, as Jackson ended up being the one to lose the game. He cheered him on with the rest of the members as he downed the drink.

Once the glass was drained, Jackson slammed it onto the table, coughing. He jabbed a finger at BamBam, wiping his mouth with the back of his other hand. “Yah! You call that somaek? That’s, like, half a bottle of soju with a splash of beer!”

“Come on, Jackson, don’t be a wimp,” Jinyoung teased.

BamBam smirked. “Yeah, Jackson, don’t be—”

Before he could finish, Jackson rocketed to his feet, looming over BamBam menacingly and making the rest of them laugh. With a mischievous grin, BamBam got to his feet and darted away. Jackson gave chase, their footsteps thundering through the dorm.

When the two of them returned to the living room a moment later, Jackson’s front was soaking wet. Jinyoung pinched the bridge of his nose. Not even a minute had elapsed. He couldn’t even find it in himself to be surprised at this point.

“Sorry, hyung!” BamBam said, his eyes wide as he set his dripping, emptied glass on the table. “I swear I didn’t mean to.” He hurriedly handed Jackson a wad of napkins.

“Eh, it’s fine, that was my fault,” Jackson dismissed, half-heartedly scrubbing at his shirt.

“Don’t rub it, it’ll make the beer stain set,” Jinyoung chided. He got to his feet. “Come on, I’ll help you.”

He guided Jackson over to the kitchen sink, where he wet a rag under the faucet and began blotting the liquid from Jackson’s T-shirt. Frowning, he lifted the hem and held the fabric against his fingers so he could soak up the stain more effectively.

All of a sudden, he realized that Jackson, who had initially been grumbling that he was fine just tossing his shirt in the laundry and hoping for the best, had fallen unusually quiet.

Belatedly, Jinyoung registered that his knuckles were brushing against Jackson’s bare stomach. He could feel the trail of hair descending down from his navel, growing back from when he had shaved it. Jinyoung just barely suppressed his excited shiver.

Trepidatiously, he glanced up, only to find that Jackson was staring openly at his mouth. Jinyoung hadn’t realized how close they were standing.

A frisson of heat danced up his spine. As time seemed to slow to a still, Jinyoung licked his lips and brushed his fingers against Jackson’s stomach more intentionally, the rag in his other hand forgotten. Jackson’s breath hitched, and their eyes finally met.

“Jinyoungie…” he whispered, leaning in closer, almost as if spellbound.

Their faces were barely centimeters apart.

After all the months they had spent dancing around each other, after all the times Jackson had slipped away from him, all Jinyoung had to do was close the short distance.

He watched, completely frozen, heart thundering in his ears, as Jackson tilted his head slightly and began to lean in.

“Hyung, do we have any more soju in the fridge?”

At the sound of Yugyeom’s voice, Jinyoung and Jackson leaped apart.

Jackson regained his composure first. He turned away from Jinyoung to open the fridge door just as Yugyeom entered the kitchen. “Yeah, three more,” he said in a noticeably hoarse voice. “Here, I got them.” He cleared his throat, still avoiding Jinyoung’s gaze as he followed Yugyeom out of the kitchen, cradling the bottles. His face was beet red.

Jinyoung leaned heavily against the counter. He combed his hair behind his ears, trying to regain his composure and willing his heart to stop pounding. He could hear the others shrieking with laughter in the living room, and yet they felt a world away.

He was sure he hadn’t imagined that. Jackson had been about to kiss him. He had been seconds away from doing it. If only Jinyoung hadn’t frozen up. If only he had moved faster and met Jackson in the middle.

It was the moment he had been waiting for, the certainty he had been praying for. At last, Jackson was ready to step off the precipice. And Jinyoung was determined to be right there with him.

The next day, Jinyoung awoke with a smile on his face. He could feel it in the air. Things between him and Jackson were coming to a head.

As he shook off his sleep and a mild hangover, he plotted. As far as he could remember, Jackson didn’t have variety show recordings today. It was perfect. After practice, Jinyoung would invite him somewhere they could have relative privacy and confess to him.

Buzzing in excitement, he planned out everything he would say.

Once he was satisfied, Jinyoung emerged cautiously from his room and through Yugyeom and BamBam’s. With the vivid memory of how close Jackson’s face had been and how he had looked as he had leaned in, Jinyoung felt a little nervous and jittery about seeing him. Would his demeanor have changed after last night? Was he just as thrilled about what it meant for them?

Unfortunately, there was no way to tell, because according to Jaebeom, Jackson had left in the early morning for the gym. Jinyoung swallowed his disappointment. At least he would see him at the company later.

But once they were in the same room, Jinyoung was immediately confronted with the reality that Jackson was avoiding him. Every time Jinyoung tried to speak to him, he made an excuse and practically ran off to talk to someone else. He wouldn’t even meet his eyes.

With each failed attempt, Jinyoung’s heart sank further. He had been so certain last night, but in the light of day and clarity of sobriety, his surety and all his excited planning seemed suddenly foolish.

Maybe he had just wanted so badly to believe Jackson returned his feelings that he had misread the situation entirely. Maybe this whole time, Jackson had just been being friendly with him. Maybe that was why he felt uncomfortable around Jinyoung now. Maybe Jinyoung had gotten too greedy, and it had blinded him to the reality of their friendship, something he should have been content with.

But he could have sworn he had seen desire in Jackson’s eyes. He was all but certain he hadn’t imagined it. It felt as if it were imprinted on him, tattooed upon his skin.

After their meetings and dance practice wrapped up, Jackson fled quickly, citing plans with a friend. Jinyoung sighed. Feeling much too worked up to stay and practice on his own, he left with the other members.

Glancing over his shoulder, Mark spotted Jinyoung trailing behind the others and paused to let them pass so he could walk with him. Jinyoung quickly tried to school his features into not giving away that he was sulking.

It didn’t seem to work, as Mark immediately knocked their shoulders together gently and asked, “You okay? Are you and Jackson fighting?”

Jinyoung sagged. “I don’t know. I think he’s avoiding me.”

“Did something happen? You seemed pretty cozy last night.”

“Actually, last night, we almost…” Jinyoung caught himself just in time and winced. “Uh, hyung, this might be a weird conversation for us to have.”

Mark shrugged. “I figured that’s what I was in for. It’s okay.”

Jinyoung scrutinized him. Confiding in his ex about his crush felt wrong, especially when the two of them had even argued about Jackson before. But Mark was the one asking, and Jinyoung’s head was all tangled up from pondering the situation on his own. And he knew Mark wouldn’t blabber to Jackson.

Eyeing him cautiously, Jinyoung ventured, “If you’re sure…”

When Mark nodded and gestured for him to proceed, Jinyoung said glumly, “Well, last night, we almost kissed. I think. We were interrupted before anything happened, though.” He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I was planning to talk to him about it today, but now he won’t even look at me.”

“And it’s the first time that’s happened? The ‘almost’…”

“Yeah.”

“Huh,” Mark said.

“Why do you sound surprised?” Jinyoung prodded.

Mark shrugged. “You like him, and he likes you. It’s weird that the two of you still haven’t made it official.”

“I mean, maybe he just sees me as a friend,” Jinyoung pointed out. “He’s so friendly to everyone that it’s hard to tell.”

“Nah,” Mark dismissed immediately, shaking his head.

Jinyoung leaned in eagerly. “Has he said something to you?”

“Um… It’s not for me to say,” Mark hedged.

Jinyoung squinted at him, suddenly feeling a much-needed flicker of hope. “Come on, hyung, what did he tell you? I’ll keep it between us.”

Mark shook his head. “You should hear it from him. Just talk to him.”

Jinyoung groaned. “You aren’t setting me up to be humiliated, are you?”

“No, I’m just sick of having to watch you two dance around each other. I’m gambling that you’d be much less annoying if you were actually together.”

Jinyoung chuckled. “Fair enough.” He tucked his hands in his pockets and averted his eyes. “Sorry, by the way, if I’ve been insensitive and put you in uncomfortable situations because of how I feel about him.”

Mark was silent for a moment. “I know you’re not doing it on purpose,” he said, then shrugged. “I’ll date someone new at some point as well, and it might be weird for you then too. It’s just a natural part of staying friends, right?”

“Right,” Jinyoung said. Mark’s practical nature had made him a frustrating boyfriend, but Jinyoung found it reassuring now. He squeezed Mark’s shoulder. “I’m glad we were able to stay friends, hyung.”

“Me too,” Mark replied. They exchanged a smile.

By then, they were approaching their dorm building. Holding the back door open, Yugyeom asked, “You two coming?”

Mark waved him off. “You go on ahead.” Jinyoung pretended not to see a significant look pass between Yugyeom and BamBam before the door closed behind them.

Chewing on his lip, Mark shuffled his feet. Jinyoung waited patiently for him to put together his words, deliberate as they always were.

“Jinyoung-ah,” Mark said at last. “Don’t be like me. If you want him, give it your all, before it’s too late. Don’t hold back. Or else you’ll regret it.”

Jinyoung understood what it cost Mark to say that to him. “I hear you,” he answered. “Thanks, hyung.”

He held his arms out, and Mark embraced him. Jinyoung felt oddly proud of him, of them both. They never would’ve been able to speak like this back when they had been together. In those days, they had kept their thoughts to themselves all too often, especially when it came to their most vulnerable points. Even as resentment steadily built up within them, it had been easier to put on a calm face for each other and pretend everything was fine than to try facing their problems together.

They had grown so much since then. In actuality, not that much time had passed, and yet it felt like an eternity—especially because during the last months of their relationship, Mark had been so closed off, both physically and emotionally, that Jinyoung had questioned whether they were really still dating. By now, he’d had enough time to reflect on it that he could admit—at least in the privacy of his own head—that he was partly to blame for pushing Mark away in the first place.

Still, before they had drifted irrevocably apart, they’d had good times and made memories that Jinyoung looked back on fondly. Idly, he wondered what it would have been like if this maturer versions of them were the ones to have started dating, if they had waited until they were further along in their careers to get together.

But even as he tried to picture it in his head, Jackson flashed through his mind—the way he was passionate and flamboyant and adorable all at once, the way he squawked with laughter but was quietly generous, the way he constantly sought out Jinyoung’s attention, the way he listened to Jinyoung’s concerns and kept his overthinking in check, the way he had more faith in Jinyoung than Jinyoung had in himself.

Mark was right. If the thought of misreading the situation scared him, the idea of losing out on the chance to be with Jackson because he hadn’t been bold enough to be honest was far worse.

“Aren’t you going to wish me luck, hyung?” Jinyoung asked playfully as they entered the building.

“Hey, don’t push it,” Mark replied, narrowing his eyes at him and making Jinyoung laugh under his breath. As they exited the stairwell, his heart felt lighter.

Entering the dorm put his senses on high alert again, but it was for naught, because Jackson ended up staying out all evening. The hours seemed to crawl by as Jinyoung hung aimlessly around the dorm, hovering over everyone and annoying them. He couldn’t focus on his videos, his reading, or the television, too preoccupied with listening for the front door.

But Jinyoung would wait, however long it took. He wouldn’t let this chance elude him and Jackson slip through his fingers without at least having a conversation about it.

It was well past midnight by the time he finally heard Jackson return to the dorm.

Jinyoung tiptoed out of his room, past the soundly sleeping BamBam and Yugyeom, and found Jackson in the kitchen, rummaging through the fridge.

He took the opportunity to pounce. Casually, he strolled into the room and peered over Jackson’s shoulder.

“Have you had dinner yet?” he asked.

Jackson jumped, nearly dropping the bag of fruit he was holding. “Jinyoung! You startled me!” He extracted an apple and shut the fridge door, shuffling toward the sink.

“Good. Why are you avoiding me?” Jinyoung demanded, crossing his arms.

“What, me? What are you talking about? I would never.”

“You won’t even look me in the eye,” Jinyoung pointed out.

“Is there a law that says I have to look you in the eye?” Jackson retorted. He turned to face Jinyoung, but his eyes darted in every direction, in search of an escape. “Anyway, nice chat. I, um… I need to go check on something in my room.”

He tried to slip past Jinyoung, but Jinyoung was faster, grabbing his wrist before he could escape.

“Jinyoung,” Jackson complained. “Let me go.”

“I will if you hear me out. Just a minute of your time. Please.”

Jackson sighed. “Fine.”

Jinyoung let go of his wrist, and Jackson leaned heavily against the counter, munching on his apple. His gaze remained on the floor as Jinyoung tried to sort his jumbled thoughts into words. His heart was thumping so loudly that he could barely recall the perfect confession he’d so carefully crafted.

“Okay, time’s up,” Jackson said once he finished the apple. He slipped away before Jinyoung was able to stop him again.

Dread seized Jinyoung. He couldn’t take this any longer. He had to know—even if it ended up hurting him.

Just before Jackson was about to step out of the kitchen, Jinyoung blurted out in desperation, “If we hadn’t been interrupted yesterday, what would you have done?”

Jackson froze with his back to Jinyoung. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he lied, poorly.

“I think you do,” Jinyoung replied. He took a deep breath and stood up straighter. “You know what else I think? I think you want this too.”

Jackson didn’t move, didn’t make a sound.

The lack of immediate denial emboldened Jinyoung. “Tell me I’m wrong,” he demanded, moving closer. “Tell me you only see me as a friend.”

“I…”

“Look me in the eyes and tell me you want me to leave you alone, and I will,” Jinyoung said, even though the thought made his heart ache. “I won’t bring it up again, I swear. I’ll give you space, if that’s what you really want.”

Slowly, Jackson turned around. For the first time that day, their eyes met, and Jackson’s didn’t skitter away.

Jinyoung’s stomach sank. He braced himself for rejection.

Instead, Jackson kissed him.

Jinyoung’s heart practically leaped out of his chest as their mouths met. Jackson’s lips were chapped from being out in the cold, and he kept it chaste, and he tasted strongly of the apple he had just eaten.

It was perfect.

When Jackson pulled back, his cheeks flushed a charming pink, Jinyoung smiled. He murmured, “Jackson-ah…”

But instead of returning his smile, Jackson looked distraught. “Shit,” he muttered, mussing up his hair. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

Jinyoung’s heart dropped. “Why not?” he demanded, hurt.

“What will Mark-hyung think? And our members… What if they think I…” He cursed under his breath.

The realization hit Jinyoung with a shock. Was that why Jackson had been holding himself back despite so often acting like he returned Jinyoung’s interest? Was that why he had never made a move, despite how obvious Jinyoung had been about his feelings? He’d been worrying about hurting Mark? About what further intragroup dating could do to their team?

A wave of immeasurable fondness swept through Jinyoung. Jackson was so considerate and principled that he was willing to deprive himself of something he wanted just because he believed it was the right thing to do.

“Is that all?” Jinyoung asked.

“What do you mean ‘Is that all?’ How can you—”

Jinyoung tilted Jackson’s chin up with his knuckle, cutting him off. “Jackson. Mark-hyung’s the one who convinced me to talk to you.”

Jackson stared at him, wide eyed. “R-really?” Then his eyes narrowed. “You’re not lying just to get into my p-pants?”

Jinyoung laughed, hope cresting within him. He felt dizzy with it. “Why are you stuttering?” He cupped Jackson’s cheek, rubbing it lightly, gleefully. “So cute.”

Jackson blushed, burying his face in Jinyoung’s shoulder. Jinyoung stroked his hair, savoring the feeling of the blond strands between his fingers.

“Answer the question,” Jackson muttered.

“You know I wouldn’t lie about that,” Jinyoung said without hesitation. “Anyway, it’s been six months since we broke up. I don’t think any of the members will be bothered. Besides, haven’t we talked about not worrying so much about what others think of you?”

“Maybe,” Jackson mumbled. He took a deep, steadying breath, and after a moment, he lifted his head to meet Jinyoung’s gaze again. It felt as if electricity were passing between them. “You really think it’s okay?”

“I really do.” He cupped the back of Jackson’s neck. “And at the end of the day, this is just between us. It’s nobody else’s business.”

“Right,” Jackson said. “Okay.”

“Okay,” Jinyoung echoed. He swallowed hard, adrenaline pumping through his veins, and gathered his courage. “Does that mean I can kiss you again?”

Jackson wet his lips and said, “Jinyoungie, to tell you the truth—I might die if you don’t.”

Jinyoung laughed, pressing their foreheads together. When he braced the side of Jackson’s neck and captured his mouth again, it was with a smile on his face. Their lips glided together smoothly, tenderly, fitting together perfectly. Jinyoung felt as if his heart were about to burst.

He lost track of time as they kissed, growing bolder by the minute. Jackson hopped up onto the countertop and drew Jinyoung between his legs, cupping the sides of his face like he was afraid to let him go. Jinyoung gripped his waist, just as desperate to keep him close.

Jackson was so warm, so receptive and responsive, making soft little satisfied noises when Jinyoung tugged on his bottom lip in a particular way or used his tongue just so. Jinyoung wanted to draw more of them out of him. Jackson seemed to feel the same way, curling his legs around Jinyoung like he was claiming him. Jinyoung’s hands moved down to the tops of Jackson’s thighs, squeezing them lightly.

“Whoa!”

At the sound, Jackson and Jinyoung sprang apart. Youngjae was standing at the entrance to the kitchen, covering his eyes. Jinyoung hurriedly backed away, fixing his hair and adjusting his collar. Jackson slouched against the cabinet behind him, attempting to look casual even though his hair was mussed and his face flushed.

“If you’re gonna do that, do it in the privacy of your rooms, hyungs! Geez…” Youngjae scooted closer, peeking through his fingers. “Can I get to that cabinet?”

“Sorry, Youngjae,” Jackson said with a nervous giggle as he hopped down from the countertop and moved out of the way, keeping a careful distance between himself and Jinyoung.

“We thought you were sleeping,” Jinyoung explained, perhaps unnecessarily.

“I’m still gaming,” Youngjae replied. “But Coco was fussing. I thought she might be hungry.”

“Sorry,” Jinyoung said sheepishly. He glanced at Jackson. “Want to go for a walk?”

Jackson nodded quickly, still seeming dazed from the kissing. It made Jinyoung feel inordinately smug.

All bundled up for the frigid Seoul nightscape, they walked to the nearest convenience store in uncharacteristic silence. Jackson held himself carefully apart from Jinyoung, though Jinyoung caught him looking quite a few times. He was nervous all over again, wondering if he had somehow misread the situation or messed up his one opportunity after all. He was too afraid to ask.

They picked up heat packs and hot drinks at the convenience store and then wandered the neighborhood, their breaths visible under the streetlights and illuminated store signs.

Into the oppressive silence, Jinyoung said at last, reluctant, “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

To his relief, Jackson chuckled, shooting him a sidelong glance. “Did I look uncomfortable when I was trying to climb you like a tree?”

Jinyoung chuffed a laugh at his unexpected words, his face heating.

Jackson’s face was a little pink too. Smiling wryly, he turned around and began to walk backward, seeming to have come to a decision.

“I really like you, Jinyoung,” he said, and Jinyoung stopped in his tracks.

Jackson paused too, then continued, head bowed, “And I really want this to go somewhere. So please tell me as soon as possible if you were just messing around earlier.” He put his hands together as if pleading for Jinyoung’s generosity. “This heart is delicate and can’t take being led on or just being a rebound.”

Jinyoung took a deep breath, his own heart pounding in his ears. All the words he’d rehearsed were eluding him again. But maybe he didn’t need to rely on saying the exact, perfect thing after all—not when everything he felt for Jackson was always bubbling forth, ready to overflow.

“I really like you too, Jackson,” he said.

Jackson lifted his head, his eyes wide, as if, despite everything, he hadn’t believed it possible.

Jinyoung held his gaze as he added, “I have for a long time. And I swear this isn’t about anyone else. I want to be with you because I think you’re amazing.”

The smile that broke across Jackson’s face was brighter than the sun, radiant and pure.

Jinyoung’s lungs squeezed, longing filling him to the brim. He thought back to the first day they’d met, when Jackson had smiled so easily at a reserved stranger like him, back when they could barely even communicate with each other. He had continued smiling at him like that even after Jinyoung had continually brushed him off. No matter how harsh, dismissive, or flaky Jinyoung had been with him, Jackson had never stopped trying to befriend him. He had always seen something in Jinyoung that Jinyoung himself was blind to.

Jackson reached for his hands and set their drinks on the nearest surface before pulling Jinyoung to him, bringing their faces so close together, so suddenly, that it took Jinyoung’s breath away.

“I believe you,” he said, squeezing Jinyoung’s hands between his, their own little source of warmth in the cold night. He took a deep breath. “Will you, um… Shit. I’m so nervous,” he said, giggling at himself, and Jinyoung couldn’t help his goofy, affectionate smile as he waited for Jackson to gather himself, full of anticipation.

Holding their joined hands to his chest, the fringes of his scarf brushing Jinyoung’s knuckles, Jackson tried again: “Will you go out with me, Jinyoungie?”

Jinyoung’s gaze tracked over Jackson’s face, committing every part of it to memory. He didn’t ever want to forget the sight of Jackson looking at him like he held his heart in his hands, like he had longed for Jinyoung just as much as Jinyoung had longed for him.

“I’d really like that, Jackson-ah.”

When Jackson crushed Jinyoung in a hug and lifted him off his feet, Jinyoung let him, laughing. He loved this about Jackson—the way he wore his emotions on his sleeve, the way Jinyoung never had to pry them out of him.

Right there in the middle of the street, uncaring of passersby or anyone looking out their windows, Jackson whirled Jinyoung around, whooping. His smile was brilliant and easy, his eyes sparkling with happiness. Jinyoung stared down at him, dazzled. He was determined to keep that beautiful expression there, to give this man he adored everything he wanted.

It was the start of a new chapter of their lives—and yet, somehow, with their arms around each other and their hearts finally bared, it felt like coming home.

Chapter Text

I want you to live in my bed
You already live in my head
Live inside my heart instead

You can feel my heart about to flat line
Every time your kiss is on my mind

—”In My Bed” by Jackson Wang

February 2016

“Is there something on my face?”

Jackson blinked, coming back to himself. Next to him at the narrow strip of convenience store bar seating, Jinyoung dabbed at his mouth with a napkin. He had been slurping up his ramyeon with zeal, but Jackson’s own sat untouched before him.

“No, your face is perfect,” he replied, making Jinyoung laugh bashfully. Smirking, Jackson picked up his chopsticks. “I just want to look at it all day.”

He wasn’t saying it just to make him giggle either. He had been staring while Jinyoung was talking, gaze fixed on his soulful eyes, the apples of his cheeks, the curve of his mouth. He wanted to kiss it all the time. The mere prospect made his heart beat faster. He still couldn’t believe it was something he was actually allowed to do.

The night they had confessed to each other, Jackson had been unable to fall asleep, smiling so widely and persistently that he’d had to cover his face with a pillow in embarrassment even though nobody could see him. Knowing there was a possibility that Jinyoung was interested in him had turned out to be very different from hearing it from him directly.

Materially, not much had changed between them in their day to day. They still had packed schedules and were constantly on the move, they still spent hours in the practice room and recording studio, Jackson still had variety show filming, and both of them still got far too little sleep.

At the same time, Jackson felt as if he’d stepped through a gateway into another world.

Previously, by the time he got home from solo filming, he would be cranky and exhausted. But now, he would be so excited to see Jinyoung that it would barely faze him. Jinyoung would greet him happily too, and sit with him while he scarfed down a late dinner and told him about the shoot.

In the ever-shrinking gaps in their schedules, the two of them snuck off together for meals or just to go on walks and be alone for a little while. The last time Jackson had tried to date, it had all seemed so forced. With Jinyoung, it felt just like a natural extension of their friendship, like they had reached the next level of the bond they’d been building since they had been put in the same group.

On the way home, Jinyoung fixed Jackson’s scarf and reached for his hand, holding it securely. Jackson grinned at him, feeling like a teenager in his first flush of love. The thought that none of the people they passed on the street had any idea how monumental it was that he was dating Park Jinyoung seemed unfathomable. He wanted to shout it from the rooftops, broadcast it to the world.

Back at the dorm, BamBam and Jaebeom were watching TV, the latter dozing off. Mark, too, was napping in his room. At the kitchen table, Yugyeom was eating dinner while Youngjae played a game on his laptop.

After changing into more comfortable clothes, Jackson and Jinyoung joined the others in the living room. As they settled in, Jackson draped his arm over Jinyoung’s shoulder, cuddling in close. Jinyoung leaned into him and set a hand on Jackson’s knee, stroking it absently. Being alone with Jinyoung was good, but Jackson loved this too, being surrounded by friends but having an anchor amid them.

Jinyoung seemed distracted, though, and intent on distracting Jackson as well. Throughout the night, his hand kept inching higher on Jackson’s thigh, rubbing and squeezing it through his joggers. But whenever Jackson glanced over at him, Jinyoung had a poker face on, looking entirely invested in the episode that was playing. Jackson squirmed, trying to seem just as unaffected, even as he yearned for Jinyoung to touch him elsewhere.

By the time everyone else had gone to bed, Jackson had no idea what had happened during the last series that had come on, too occupied with fantasizing about having Jinyoung’s hands on his bare skin. The fact that Jinyoung surely knew what he was doing to him and was clearly enjoying teasing him only made Jackson feel hotter under the collar.

“You’re so mean,” he complained to Jinyoung, who feigned innocence.

“Me? What did I do?” But his smirk broke through, ruining the wide-eyed effect. Jackson smacked him on the shoulder, making him laugh as he got up to turn off the TV and the living room lights.

Jackson’s heart rate ratcheted up as Jinyoung returned to his side. They reached for each other simultaneously, their mouths meeting in an eager kiss.

Jinyoung drew back slightly, pressing their foreheads together, his hand remaining on the side of Jackson’s neck.

“Is that what you wanted?” he murmured.

Jackson responded by cupping his face and pulling him back in, deepening the kiss immediately. The steady heat that had been building within him all night made every slide of their lips, every brush of their tongues, feel electric.

Jinyoung wrapped an arm around his shoulders, dragging him closer without breaking contact. Jackson did him one better, clambering into his lap. He loved the way he fit there and found every excuse to climb into it. Adapting quickly, Jinyoung set his hands on Jackson’s hips, steadying him, and began peppering kisses down his jaw.

“Touch me,” Jackson breathed. He felt Jinyoung’s grip tighten.

As Jackson nibbled on Jinyoung’s ear and sucked on his neck, Jinyoung slid his hands under the hem of Jackson’s T-shirt. Jackson’s breath hitched as Jinyoung’s fingers danced up his back, then around to his stomach. His light but eager touch felt like a brand, and Jackson was burning up.

“More, Jinyoung-ah,” he whispered into his ear, and Jinyoung made a strained noise. Underneath Jackson’s shirt, he rubbed his thumbs against his nipples and pinched them, making Jackson shudder and dig his teeth into his bottom lip. Jinyoung took advantage of his distraction to latch his greedy mouth onto Jackson’s throat as he continued groping at his chest with his big hands.

The heat building in Jackson’s belly, coupled with the feeling of Jinyoung hard against him, made him giddy and reckless. With no small amount of effort, he gathered enough of the melted puddle that was his brain to reach down and rub his palm against the bulge, thrilling when the stimulation made Jinyoung arch his neck back, lips parted.

In retaliation, Jinyoung’s hands dropped from exploring Jackson’s torso to grasp him through his joggers. Jackson barely suppressed a squeal, his head dropping to Jinyoung’s shoulder. Jinyoung’s touch was teasing, just enough to make all the blood rush out of Jackson’s head but too light to be satisfying.

Although they hadn’t had the chance to go further than this yet, Jackson was overcome by the need for more. He nipped at Jinyoung’s neck in a silent plea, but Jinyoung just cupped his jaw and captured his mouth again.

Unwilling to back down so easily, Jackson rubbed Jinyoung through his sweatpants as they kissed, making his hips buck up into Jackson’s. That was so hot. Hungering for more, Jackson worked his hand past Jinyoung’s waistband.

Jinyoung set his hand on Jackson’s. “We should stop.”

“Why?!” Jackson demanded. Jinyoung shushed him.

“The others could walk in at any minute.” Jinyoung leaned in closer and whispered in Jackson’s ear, “And when I make you come for the first time, I want to be able to clearly see your face.”

A hot thrill coursed through Jackson’s veins. He shivered. “If you keep saying stuff like that, it’s going to happen whether you like it or not.”

Jinyoung smirked. “You think it could happen just from me talking dirty?”

“In that voice of yours? With the way your accent gets thicker when you’re all worked up? Oh, yeah. No doubt about it.”

Jinyoung giggled. “We’ll have to try that sometime,” he murmured, as if that didn’t turn Jackson on even more. He patted Jackson’s thighs. “Come on. Let’s get ready for bed.”

Begrudgingly, Jackson climbed off him. But then he grabbed Jinyoung’s wrist and dragged him to the bathroom, closing the door quickly before crowding Jinyoung against it.

“What are you doing?” Jinyoung asked, even as he wrapped his arms around Jackson’s waist.

“This is my bedtime routine. Didn’t you know?”

Jackson kissed along Jinyoung’s jaw and slotted his leg between Jinyoung’s own, pressing his thigh against his unflagging erection. Jinyoung’s breath hitched. He hooked his thumbs into Jackson’s waistband and rubbed at his hip bones but didn't go any further, making Jackson grumble.

“Oh, come on, you can see my face now, can’t you?” he demanded, gesturing at the bright bathroom lights. “Please touch me, Jinyoung-ah.”

“I kind of like you all desperate like this, though,” Jinyoung admitted with a devious smirk. “It’s cute.”

Jackson glared at him. “I’m not desperate!”

“No? Then you won’t mind if I get ready for bed.”

“Wait, no, no, no,” Jackson whined.

Smugly, Jinyoung pressed Jackson to the opposite wall and kissed him forcefully, something within Jackson quivering in answer.

“You really want it?” Jinyoung asked, holding his gaze. “Here?”

Jackson nodded eagerly. “I don’t care where we are, as long as it’s with you,” he blurted out, then immediately cringed at his own cheesiness.

Jinyoung snickered, pinching his cheek. “So sweet,” he teased.

“Shut up,” Jackson complained. “I can’t think straight right now because someone has been teasing me all night.”

“Someone had better make up for it, then, hmm?”

Telegraphing his movements, Jinyoung reached past the waistband of Jackson’s joggers and his boxer briefs. Jackson’s heart leaped to his throat as Jinyoung’s fingertips grazed him, testing, before encircling him with a warm fist.

He was hesitant at first, watching intently for Jackson’s reaction. But his grasp quickly grew more confident when his movements immediately had Jackson clinging to him and stammering, “J-Jinyoungie…” It felt as if he were being touched for the first time.

Silencing him with a kiss, Jinyoung began experimenting with his grip and speed. Even though they were standing under the fluorescent lights of the bathroom they shared with five other guys, it was better than any of Jackson’s most erotic or most romantic fantasies, because Jinyoung was really here touching him, skin to skin, and kissing him like he was savoring him.

Hurriedly, Jackson shucked his shirt off and pushed his pants and underwear down so Jinyoung had more room to work. Looking him up and down with blatant hunger, Jinyoung increased his speed accordingly, running his fist over the head at opportune times and making Jackson shudder. He could tell Jinyoung was methodically figuring out how best he liked to be touched, and it was just so typical of him to be a perfectionist even when it came to this that Jackson couldn’t help but smile into the kisses, his heart feeling fit to burst.

As pleasure washed over him, Jackson pushed up Jinyoung’s shirt and ran his hands over his torso, loving the way his skin and the dusting of chest hair felt underneath his fingers. He glanced down curiously, feeling lightheaded at the sight of Jinyoung’s hand around him. It felt so illicit, so much like a wet dream or a desperate, indulgent fantasy he’d bring himself off to in the shower or in the dead of night. He couldn’t believe it was really happening.

At the same time, the tent in Jinyoung’s sweatpants caught his eye. Jackson had spent his fair share of time staring at the outline of what Jinyoung was packing whenever he wore them to dance practice. He wondered what it looked like. He bet it was amazing, just like the rest of him.

“You, um, you want some help with that?” he asked eagerly. Jinyoung followed his gaze, heat flaring in his eyes as he caught Jackson’s meaning.

When Jinyoung was bared before his eyes, what Jackson found was, to no surprise, amazing. In fact, it was definitely the most gorgeous cock he had ever seen in person—which was saying something, given the myriad locker rooms, gym showers, and dorms he had been in—and on top of that, it was a nice size too. Maybe he was just biased because it belonged to the guy currently jerking him off, but it felt just right in his hand.

“So unfair,” he muttered.

Jinyoung was mouthing up the line of Jackson’s neck, leaving his skin tingling in its wake. “What is?”

Jackson continued staring down at him. “Even your dick is perfect. Can’t you have just one flaw, Jinyoung-ssi? Have pity on the rest of us humans.”

Jinyoung burst out laughing, muffling it behind the hand that had been buried in Jackson’s hair. “You’re ridiculous. What are you even saying?”

“And I’ve always been so proud of my own,” Jackson pouted, feigning a put-upon sigh.

“Well, I like yours better,” Jinyoung murmured in Jackson’s ear while he continued working him, rubbing his palm over the sensitive tip for emphasis and making Jackson’s entire body jolt. Then he shook his head, chuckling. “I can’t believe you just made me say that.”

Giggling, Jackson began moving his hand too. At his eager, exploratory touch, Jinyoung’s laughter morphed into soft gasps.

Soon, they were joining their hands, the slow slide of Jinyoung’s shaft against his own making Jackson hot all over. They settled into a rhythm as they worked themselves together, panting into each other’s mouths as they kissed.

Jackson was dizzy with the knowledge that he was here with Jinyoung, who liked him back. Jinyoung, whom he was dating, who would look at only him with this brimming affection and heated desire now. Jinyoung, who was, unsurprisingly, quiet in bed but kissed him so passionately that it was clear he couldn’t get enough either.

“I’m… I’m close…” Jackson gasped.

With an appreciative noise, Jinyoung curled his fingers back around Jackson exclusively. As he increased his speed, Jackson’s hips jerked, thrusting into Jinyoung’s fist and chasing his pleasure.

With his other hand, Jinyoung cupped the side of Jackson’s neck. “Look at me,” he commanded.

With great effort, Jackson opened his eyes. The openly lewd, hungry expression on Jinyoung’s ethereally handsome face was too much. Being the object of his focus and his desire, just like Jackson had dreamed of being for so long, was so overwhelming that it immediately tipped him over the edge.

His head hit the wall as Jinyoung pumped him dry, too distracted to scold him for moaning.

“I knew you’d be gorgeous like this,” Jinyoung murmured as his hand drew to a slow stop. Jackson blushed, feeling suddenly exposed. He couldn’t believe he had managed to convince Jinyoung to do that. He wondered what else he could ask for.

“Can I… Can I finish you with my mouth?”

He watched Jinyoung swallow hard as he washed his hands. “You want to?”

Jackson nodded enthusiastically.

Pushing up Jinyoung’s shirt so he could kiss down his abdomen and along his pelvic bones, Jackson lowered himself to his knees. He took a moment just to admire Jinyoung from up close. Grasping him firmly, he pressed the flat of his tongue along the underside and trailed it along the shaft. Jinyoung leaned heavily against the sink, drawing a shuddering breath.

When Jackson teased the tip over his lips, Jinyoung had to cover his mouth to suppress his low moan. Jackson’s stomach jumped in excitement. Wrapping his hand around the base, he began to swallow him down, centimeter by centimeter.

Jinyoung cradled the nape of his neck. There was a firmness, a sense of ownership, in that touch, that made Jackson’s heart race, made him feel just as possessive. He wanted desperately to make Jinyoung feel good, to make him forget about anyone else who had ever been fortunate enough to be allowed to do this for him.

Before long, Jackson had taken him down fully. He moaned, loving the weight of him on his tongue and the feeling of him pushing down his throat. Slowly, deliberately, he pulled back so he could alternate between licking up the underside and taking him back into his mouth.

“You’re…really good at that,” Jinyoung panted, sounding a little taken aback. His legs were trembling.

The praise made Jackson light up. He lapped at the tip and looked up to meet Jinyoung’s gaze, soaking up the desire he found there.

“Does it feel good?” he asked, greedy for more.

Stroking Jackson’s hair out of his face, Jinyoung said, “It feels amazing. You’re so pretty like this, Sseunie.”

Jackson’s face grew hot, his stomach squirming in both pleasure and embarrassment. Hearing those words from Jinyoung made this feel almost too intimate. He lowered his eyes shyly, focusing on his task once more. Jinyoung tasted so good, and he was so polite, restraining himself from thrusting, even as he clearly wanted to. Next time, Jackson would encourage him to let go, to take what he wanted. He could take it. Better yet, he wanted it too.

Jackson smiled to himself. Next time. He loved the thought of that.

With his other hand, Jackson caressed Jinyoung’s sack and palmed his ass, eager to push him closer to the edge. Jinyoung moaned into the hand he was holding over his mouth, his other hand stroking through Jackson’s hair.

Before long, Jinyoung’s stomach was drawing tight, and he was clutching at Jackson in warning, his knees threatening to buckle.

“Wait, Jackson, I’m going to—“

He tried to pull away, but Jackson held Jinyoung firmly in place and latched on as he pulsed in his mouth. It’d been far too long since he had last felt someone shooting down his throat. Jackson sucked him dry, loving the feeling, all the more satisfying because it was Jinyoung.

Jackson licked his lips as Jinyoung slouched against the sink, chest heaving. When he glanced up, Jinyoung was watching him, looking sated, warm affection radiating from his eyes.

“Come here,” Jinyoung urged, tugging Jackson up. He kissed him thoroughly, and then pulled him into a tight embrace.

Jackson hugged him back, his heart feeling full and content. Eagerly, he asked, “Was it good?”

“Very good,” Jinyoung answered, peppering his cheeks with kisses and making Jackson’s stomach flutter.

Even after they cleaned up and performed their nightly ablutions—which took twice as long as usual because they couldn’t stop touching and embracing each other—the afterglow still lingered. Unable to bear parting just yet, they flopped back onto the sofa, cuddling and exchanging soft, unhurried kisses. Jackson felt like he was floating on a cloud. He couldn’t stop grinning.

“What?” Jinyoung asked, teasing his thumb along Jackson’s kiss-swollen lips.

“What do you mean ‘what’?” Jackson replied, playfully flicking his tongue at Jinyoung’s finger. “I’ve been imagining doing that with you since the year we debuted. Can you blame me for being happy?”

“I suppose not,” Jinyoung replied, a smug glint in his eye. He stroked the back of Jackson’s head. “Want to know a secret?”

“Yeah?” Jackson replied, pulling Jinyoung’s arm around him more tightly and snuggling close. He wanted to know everything about Jinyoung.

“Sometimes, I used to imagine it back when we were trainees,” Jinyoung said. “This part too,” he added more softly, pressing a lingering kiss to the top of Jackson’s head.

Jackson sat up abruptly, cuddling suddenly forgotten. “Huh? All the way back then?”

Jinyoung nodded, looking a little embarrassed.

“Why didn’t you ever say anything? You were always avoiding me back in those days. I tried so hard to be your friend.”

“I’ve told you—I was afraid of letting anyone else get close and then get sent home again. And then after we became friends, I figured I didn’t have a chance.”

“Oh, right. You thought I was straight. Which I hope you now realize is ridiculous.”

Jinyoung chuffed a laugh, ruffling Jackson’s hair. “Even if that hadn’t been the case… I don’t know.”

“What?” Jackson prompted.

“You’re so popular and outgoing that you used to seem larger than life, sometimes,” Jinyoung admitted. “It was often a lot for me back then. We were just so different. It didn’t make sense for someone like you to be with someone like me. And I didn’t want to get my heart broken if you were the kind to just play around.”

Jackson frowned. “I’m not playing around.”

Jinyoung soothed him with a kiss on the forehead. “I know that now.”

“Good,” Jackson said, settling back into the embrace. “You should also know I’m not planning on ever letting you go, Jinyoungie.”

Jinyoung squeezed him affectionately. “I feel the same way.”

They smiled at each other. Jackson pecked Jinyoung on the lips and then leaned his head on his shoulder, feeling warm and satisfied, and closer to him than ever.

All this time, he had been in fierce competition with everyone around him for Jinyoung’s attention. He had tangled himself into knots comparing himself to others, wondering what they had that he didn’t, groveling for Jinyoung to look at him, to pay attention to him. He had resigned himself to being content with a friendship that only left him ravenous for more, even as he’d had to accept that he would never be good enough to deserve it.

But despite all his perceived shortcomings, Jinyoung had sensed something in him that was worthy, right from the very start. Jinyoung had pursued him even after Jackson had tried so hard to give him up. In a way, he had already chosen Jackson all along.

And now, the two of them were right where they belonged: together.