Chapter Text
So dangerous, you can see my heart, it’s see-through
So beautiful, you’re stealing my line of vision
So dangerous, you’re driving me crazy, baby
Even your smallest gestures, I’m done—“Paradise” by GOT7, co-written by Jinyoung
September 2014
Life after debut was even more exhausting than that of a trainee and far more stressful, which Jackson hadn’t even realized was possible until it became his reality.
But there was a different sense of responsibility they bore together, now that they had crossed that one crucial benchmark. Through the highs and lows, the stress and strife, the fights and apologies, the members grew closer, and the resulting kinship buoyed Jackson through even the hardest of times.
As time went on, Jinyoung became an invaluable source of comfort and advice for him, a steadfast rock he could moor himself to.
Initially, Jinyoung’s poise had made Jackson itch to drag him out of his shell, but soon he began to find his reserve soothing. Although it pained him to admit it, Jackson had always been sensitive to perceived criticism and being wronged or slighted, and Jinyoung’s rational yet empathetic consolation was invaluable when he got upset or worked up about something, which, in those days, was a near constant.
Whenever Jackson was having a hard time—whether because he had once again gotten in trouble after he’d said something innocuous on a broadcast, because he was being picked on by an instructor or director during practice, or because he had ended up in yet another fight with a member—calm, thoughtful Jinyoung was there to listen to him vent, assure him that his frustration was valid, and talk him into letting go of his anger and indignation.
Endlessly grateful for his concern, Jackson made it a priority to be there for Jinyoung in return. Sometimes he would become trapped in a terrible negative spiral and begin to doubt himself, his decisions, and his future, and Jackson prided himself on knowing how to best pull him out of it. Although he tried to downplay them, Jinyoung had dreams that he kept close to his chest. Jackson voiced his enthusiastic support for all of them, encouraging him to pursue his true ambitions rather than settle for what he felt were more sensible and easily achieved goals.
But to Jackson’s disappointment, he still couldn’t definitively dub himself Jinyoung’s closest friend in the group.
As two introverts who highly valued their alone time, Jinyoung and Mark had quickly clicked. They often spent quiet time together away from the more gregarious members, as they had even before debut, when Jinyoung had contributed to helping Mark acclimate to Korea.
Jackson wasn’t jealous, exactly—or at least he couldn’t bear to name the pinched feeling in his gut—but he always noticed when Jinyoung gravitated toward him versus when he gravitated toward Mark, even when it came to little things like napping together in a waiting room. It made him feel unbearably sullen.
Then, one day, his one-sided competition for Jinyoung’s regard turned into something else entirely.
Exhausted from recording an appearance on a variety show, a field in which he had begun to be recognized, Jackson was ready to collapse by the time he got back to the dorm. The door to his and Mark’s room was shut, and the lights were out, so he assumed Mark was sleeping.
Instead, what he saw when he tiptoed into the room, illuminated only by the streetlights on the other side of the window, was Jinyoung straddling Mark on his floor mattress and kissing his neck, Mark’s hand buried in his hair.
At the sound of Jackson’s footsteps, Jinyoung looked over his shoulder, eyes wide. They met Jackson’s equally shocked ones as Mark cursed and sat up.
“You’re back early,” he said.
Finally seeming to unfreeze at the sound of Mark’s voice, Jinyoung hurriedly climbed off his lap.
“Yeah, I, uh… I guess the shoot went pretty smoothly.” Jackson cleared his throat. “Um. Anyway. Sorry!”
He backed out of the room, panic in his throat. Something acrid and serpentine twisted in his belly as he dashed to the bathroom and quickly shut the door behind him.
He slumped against it for an endless moment, struggling to breathe through the sudden, inexplicable knot of hurt in his chest.
He had lost after all.
Still, it was just friendship; it shouldn’t make him feel as if he’d been crushed by an avalanche, shouldn’t make him want to burst into tears. Just because Jackson had been maybe just a little obsessed with Jinyoung ever since they were trainees didn’t mean he deserved to monopolize his time.
Who Jinyoung wanted to make out with was none of Jackson’s business. So what if Mark got to be kissed by Jinyoung’s plush mouth? So what if Jinyoung’s hair, which he was always so protective of, had been ruffled by Mark’s hand? So what if they were probably in love and going to get married and live happily ever after?
Why should any of that matter to Jackson? It wasn’t like he—
Oh.
The next day, Jinyoung pulled Jackson aside after they finished a shoot. “I wanted to talk to you,” he said, sounding tense and nervous, worry creasing his brow. “Uh, about yesterday—“
Jackson, who had spent the past sixteen hours in a daze as he worked through a painful epiphany, shook his head rapidly.
“What’s there to talk about?” he replied, putting on a cheerful voice. He didn’t want Jinyoung to worry, or worse, to have any reason to suspect Jackson’s feelings. “Your secret’s safe with me. I’m happy for the two of you.”
Jinyoung frowned. “You don’t have any questions? Concerns?”
“Nope,” Jackson said brightly, turning away. “Anyway, we need to head out soon. Let’s not keep the others waiting.”
Not long after, Jinyoung and Mark told the group they were dating, and even though Jackson wasn’t surprised, it still felt as if they’d slipped a knife between his ribs.
But he loved them both, so he put on a happy face, acting just as unfazed as the others. That night, though, he hugged his pillows tightly and sniffled beneath the covers, feeling pathetic.
For the most part, Jinyoung didn’t treat him any differently after the announcement, but Jackson tried to protect his heart by forcing some distance between them. The other members were happy to spend time with him, grabbing food, skateboarding, or shooting hoops, and just generally getting to know each other better.
Although Jackson was excited about getting closer to the rest of the team and had plenty of other friends to spend time with, he still missed Jinyoung and their serious talks terribly. He couldn’t stand how awkward and sullen he felt around Mark either, whom, ironically, he had once harbored a crush on.
But the idea of joking around with them while images flashed through his mind of what he had walked in on that fateful day and what they must be doing the times they chose to hang back at the dorms while the rest of the members went out was too awful.
To try to get over the hopeless situation, Jackson started asking other people out. The dating ban made sneaking around a necessity, especially since Jackson had already been caught once as a trainee, but at the end of the day, the forbidden nature of it was exciting and an adequate distraction from the emotions he wished he could scrub from his brain.
What he never expected was for it to draw Jinyoung’s attention.
“Why are you putting so many hearts in your message?”
Jackson looked up from composing the text, which didn’t have that many heart emojis—did it?
“What’s wrong with sending hearts to my boyfriend?” he asked. He willed himself not to visibly react to how close Jinyoung was, having scooted over on the living room couch and leaned in close to see his screen. Jackson could feel a whisper of his breath on the side of his cheek.
Jinyoung frowned. “Boyfriend?”
“I mean, I guess it’s too early to call him that. We’re still technically in the talking phase. But I want my intentions to be clear.” He eyed Jinyoung, whose expression was oddly pinched. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Jackson, you shouldn’t joke about that kind of thing,” Jinyoung chided in the tone he used when the maknae line was misbehaving.
Jackson sputtered, “Excuse me? I’m not joking. Why would you even think that?”
Jinyoung’s face settled into a carefully blank expression. “Are you saying you’re… You’re dating a guy?”
“Yes…?” Jackson answered, feeling incredulous.
“You’re gay?” Jinyoung asked, as if he were completely boggled by the concept. If Jackson hadn’t had ample evidence of Jinyoung being in a relationship with a man, he’d be worried he was homophobic.
Jackson shrugged. “I’m bi, and I mostly like guys. What, am I not allowed to be queer too?”
“No, I…just didn’t realize. You never said.”
Jackson shot him a look of disbelief. “I don’t exactly hide it. I thought it was obvious.”
“Not to me,” Jinyoung replied. His face was doing something strange.
When Jinyoung didn’t say anything else, Jackson prompted, “Is something wrong?” He was a little afraid to hear the answer.
Jinyoung shook his head adamantly. “Of course not.” Belatedly, he added, “Sorry. Thank you for telling me.”
He was clearly lying, but Jackson didn’t understand why that would be the case. Normally, he would badger Jinyoung for an answer and refuse to relent until he told Jackson the truth, but this was dangerous territory. He couldn’t risk giving away his secret, especially now that he had the perfect alibi of being involved with someone else.
Besides, it wasn’t like Jinyoung was being weird because he actually cared about whom Jackson dated, much less their gender. He must really have thought Jackson was straight, somehow, and just needed a moment to recalibrate to his new reality.
Jackson had—well, almost—come to terms with it by then: Jinyoung would never see him in that light. So what? Mark was a good guy, and he was independent, well behaved, and unfairly attractive. Jinyoung deserved the best, and Jackson was all too aware he had a ways to go before he approached anything close.
It wasn’t the first time his feelings had been unrequited. Surely, with time, this silly, poorly timed crush would pass, just like all the other ones had.
All he needed to do was ride it out.
To Jackson’s chagrin, the relationship he’d been hoping for never went anywhere serious, and neither did the other ones he pursued.
Not only was coordinating idol schedules plus his extra variety show tapings a nightmare, but his feelings never seemed to develop past surface-level crushes at best, no matter how hard he willed them to.
Throughout the trysts, regardless of how hot or fun the guys were, he couldn’t stop thinking about Jinyoung and how much more chemistry they had, even if it was platonic. And when he tried taking a few cute girls out on proper dates, he spent the entire time bored and distracted and feeling like he would just rather be hanging out with Jinyoung instead.
In the end, sick of the constant phone tag; the awkward meals; the rushed, mechanical sex; the inane arguments; and worst of all, the lack of sparks, Jackson decided he was better off single if he couldn’t have the one he truly wanted.
So what if the man he was maybe a little in love with was taken? If he couldn’t find a worthy distraction, and he couldn’t manage to move past the irksome feelings, then he would just have to live with them. If that meant hanging pathetically around Jinyoung, hoping he’d pay attention to him, then so be it.
If he had no choice but to content himself with being Jinyoung’s friend, then Jackson was going to dedicate himself to being the best damn friend Jinyoung had ever had.
It was hardly the victory he had really been aching for this whole time. But it would have to be good enough.
June 2015
Jackson couldn’t pinpoint exactly when it had started, but for months now, Jinyoung had been making him go out of his mind.
Although he was still with Mark, Jinyoung had been growing steadily more physically affectionate with Jackson. Often, he would sit dangerously close to him and touch his leg, reach for his hand, or drag him close with an arm around his shoulders. Jackson barely had to crack a joke and Jinyoung would be there, laughing and hugging him. It was just enough that it seemed casual and innocent but also left Jackson’s mind racing and body buzzing, craving so much more.
The rational part of Jackson was certain his feelings were simply making him read too much into the natural progression of their friendship. After all, Jinyoung had always been a tactile person. And Jackson would still often see him stretched out beside Mark on one of their beds, reading books or watching videos while Mark napped or scrolled through social media. They still went out to eat together or chose to stay behind while the rest of the members went out—not as frequently as they used to, Jackson had quietly observed, but their schedules were far busier than they used to be too.
Whatever Jinyoung’s intentions, his confusing behavior threatened the fragile peace Jackson had made with his relationship. He had always been tactile too, and when it was the guy he was kind of in love with doling out physical affection so generously, he couldn’t help but reciprocate. The moments when he got to briefly entertain the idea that Jinyoung might actually be interested in him after all were dangerously addictive.
His wishful thinking made him feel like a terrible person, though. Mark was his friend, and Jackson truly was glad that he had found someone, who hopefully helped bring him comfort and stave off the homesickness he used to quietly tell Jackson about, back when they would speak a far clumsier mix of Mandarin, English, and Korean to each other.
Mark had been one of Jackson’s very first friends in Korea. Jackson would never want to do anything that would put their friendship in real danger.
He just wished that the person who made Mark happy was anyone else on the planet.
To make matters worse, Jackson started to get the impression that Mark knew about his hopeless crush. There was a chance he was only being paranoid—he felt like he was wearing a big neon sign announcing his feelings at all times—but he swore he sometimes sensed Mark watching when Jinyoung was smiling and laughing with him.
Usually, by the time Jackson glanced his way, Mark acted like he hadn’t been looking in their direction, but there were a few times when Jackson was pretty sure he had glimpsed the tail end of a glare.
Increasingly, Mark also seemed harsher with him than before, which, to be fair, could be attributed to various other factors: the long, draining days; Jackson’s distracted state from constantly rushing between filming and GOT7 schedules; or even the recent chaos of coming back to their dorm from overseas and discovering their room had been infested with fruit flies.
But Jackson, who admittedly had a habit of pushing people’s boundaries, didn’t think he was imagining that he often got the brunt of Mark’s temper.
The negative attention made him prickle. He had never been above tossing sharp words—or if that failed, getting physical—when people were picking on him, and he’d already had plenty of jealous resentment toward Mark built up.
It all came to a head when they were moving vital items from their room to the one they’d be staying in temporarily. Something as petty as the division of their belongings sparking a fight wasn’t particularly unusual for the two of them, especially in recent weeks.
But then the enraged Mark hurled an accusation—and a nearby pair of slippers, one after the other—at Jackson for constantly flirting with Jinyoung and trying to steal him away, and something in Jackson snapped.
He dodged the projectiles and dove for Mark, grabbing him. Immediately, Mark seized him back, his glare lethal.
“You know what?” Jackson snarled in Mark’s face as they scuffled. “You’re right! I do like him. But name one time I’ve actually tried to get between the two of you! You’re really going to come at me when I’ve been so supportive this whole damn time?”
It was Jaebeom and Jinyoung who heard the commotion and discovered them shoving each other, because that was just Jackson’s luck.
They forced the two of them apart, and when Jinyoung saw that Mark was crying, he hugged him, looking aghast.
Held back by Jaebeom, who was trying to get them to explain what had set them off, Jackson seethed with bitter envy. How could Mark act like he was threatened by Jackson when he was the one with everything Jackson wanted and would never have?
“You okay?” Jaebeom asked Jackson, who barely registered the question as he watched Jinyoung set an arm around Mark’s shoulders and guide him out of the room. He had hardly even looked at Jackson.
The notion that he may have disappointed Jinyoung made Jackson’s chest grow tight.
He shouldn’t have let Mark’s words get to him. He shouldn’t have gotten physical. He should have kept his mouth shut. He should have just denied it.
What if Mark told Jinyoung what Jackson had confessed to? What if Jinyoung was disgusted by him? What if he didn’t want to be friends anymore?
Sniffling, Jackson buried his face in Jaebeom’s shoulder. Jaebeom patted his back a little awkwardly. Jackson was grateful regardless.
More than anything, he just wanted Jinyoung to choose him.
But that was only more wishful thinking.
Jackson and Mark didn’t speak for days, even though they had to get through Japanese promotions amid their stony silence. The other members seemed to sense their fight was beyond the scope of their regular arguments about inconsequential things and tried to cover up for them on broadcasts while pleading for them to make up off air.
By the time they returned to Seoul, the exterminator had come and dealt with the infestation in their dorm room. Unfortunately, they hadn’t cleaned up the dead insects, so Jackson and Mark had to continue to stay in BamBam and Yugyeom’s room temporarily.
Once their room was ready for habitation and Jackson had combed through it with his bug zapper to ensure there were no stragglers, he moved back in.
But Mark refused to return.
It tore a hole in the still tender Jackson. The fight had been their worst ever, but he’d still expected it to blow over eventually, just like all their other ones.
But even after he apologized to Mark and expressed how much he wanted to be roommates again, Mark cited the lack of air conditioning, Jackson’s hoarding habits, and the trauma from the infestation as reasons he wouldn’t be moving back in. It was obvious none of that was the crux of the issue, but Jackson was worried that if he pointed it out, they would just end up in another fight.
The members adapted. Despite being the eldest, Mark rarely demanded anything other than for them to behave in front of the cameras and leave him alone the rest of the time, so they didn’t dare question his abrupt decision. Jaebeom ended up volunteering to move to Jackson’s old bed, relegating Jackson to the top bunk and allowing Mark to move in with Youngjae.
Eventually, things went back to being somewhat normal. It was hard to know what Mark was thinking at the best of times, but Jackson tried his best to draw laughter out of him and avoid doing anything that would piss him off.
He had been so afraid that Jinyoung would think badly of him after the fight, but if anything, after the new roommate configurations had been sorted out, Jinyoung and Mark were the ones who prickled more easily at each other. They bickered about minor things and periodically seemed to be giving each other the cold shoulder, though they did always appear to make up afterward.
Despite his jealousy, Jackson was worried about them, paranoid that he had inadvertently come between them. No matter his own feelings, there was no way he wanted to be in any way responsible for causing strife in their relationship.
He was so concerned that he even started trying to engineer situations for the two of them to be alone, strategically inviting the others out to free up the dorm, getting the two of them to partner up while they were filming, and trying to put more distance between himself and Jinyoung again.
Sabotaging himself felt a little ridiculous, but at this point, he just wanted things to go back to the way they had been more than anything.
Despite his efforts, some weeks later, Jackson received shocking news from big mouth BamBam.
“Did you hear about Mark-hyung and Jinyoung-hyung?” he asked over the sizzle of the grill between them.
“What about them?” Jackson asked warily as he deposited the barbecued meat onto BamBam’s plate.
“They broke up,” BamBam said, like he hadn’t just turned Jackson’s world upside down.
Jackson’s jaw dropped. “Huh? What? When?”
“I overheard them talking, and then Jinyoung-hyung confirmed it when I asked him at MCountdown yesterday.”
Abruptly, Jackson stood up, his chair scraping against the floor. The proprietor and the other patrons looked over at their table, but he barely noticed the attention he was attracting. The restaurant suddenly felt too small for the cyclone of emotions in his chest. His entire body was shaking.
“I’ll be right back,” he told BamBam, who was looking up at him with a cartoonishly bewildered expression. “Go ahead and keep eating.”
“Where are you going?” BamBam called after him. “Jackson-hyung? Hey! You said it was your treat!” But Jackson just waved to him over his shoulder and jogged out the door.
He strolled through the back streets of Cheongdam, hands in his pockets, unaware of anything but this new, grandiose truth. The sky seemed a brighter blue all of a sudden, the birds’ chirping louder, the air fresher.
Jinyoung was single.
Jinyoung was single!
After all this time, Jackson might actually have a chance. But—
But then there was Mark.
Jackson stopped in his tracks as reality caught up with him. A car honked as it swerved around him.
Picturing Mark’s reaction to him making a move on Jinyoung, he winced. Their relationship was still in a delicate state. He knew with sudden clarity that if he asked Jinyoung out like he immediately wanted to, his friendship with Mark could be ruined for good—even if Jinyoung turned him down. And if the latter happened, it had the potential to ruin his friendship with Jinyoung too.
Even worse, it could antagonize the other members or risk ruining the group dynamic. They might feel compelled to take sides, or everyone might end up uniting against Jackson. It could tear the team apart.
He couldn’t risk that. It was unthinkable. There was nothing more important to him than the team.
Jackson sagged, the adrenaline draining from him all at once. It was like having a real shot at winning a tournament and then getting injured in the semifinals. He was so close. He wanted that victory so badly.
But…
His eyes swam with tears as he realized that even if Jinyoung wasn’t committed to someone else, he would always remain out of reach.
Even if Mark hadn’t won the bout in the end, he had still gotten there first. And now it would always be inappropriate for Jackson to make a move. Now Jinyoung would date other people, people Jackson wouldn’t even be able to trust as much as he trusted Mark, and he would still be relegated to the sidelines.
Then again, no matter how much that hurt, Jinyoung and Mark had to be feeling even worse. The only thing Jackson could do now was be there for both of them. As a friend and nothing more. As always.
Fundamentally, though their breakup changed everything, it would also change nothing. Jackson would have to live with that.
He wiped his face on the collar of his shirt, sniffling.
As long as he could continue to spend his days at Jinyoung’s side, that would be enough.
It would have to be.