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Natsume never cared if he died. No one would be saddened by his passing, instead they would be happy that there was no longer a burden weighing them down.
He had never seen his mother's face in person before, had no idea what his mother was like, the expression on her face when she smiled, her joyful voice when she laughed, or the warmth that flowed from her hand when she stroked his cheek. Natsume only knew his mother from his father's stories and an old photograph. Natsume didn't know whether he missed his mother or not, as he had never known her in person.
They say that you can't want what you don't know, Natsume understood that. He couldn't want a mother's love even though he wanted to feel it, but Natsume was also afraid that he would be too dependent once he got to know it.
Natsume had little memory of his father. They sat on the terrace and looked out over the garden waiting for the flowers to bloom that his mother had planted. Although Natsume would never see it, as he had to leave before he could see the flowers bloom. Nonetheless, Natsume understood the love of his father and he missed it.
Natsume also knew that no matter how much he called and wanted his father back, he would never come. So, Natsume would close his eyes tightly and shut his mouth when that feeling came back. He couldn't waste his energy on something that couldn't happen.
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The classroom was noisy with students joking and discussing. A piece of paper form is attached to each child's desk, the teacher asks to fill in the form and collect it tomorrow in the teacher's room.
A future career form that all students are required to fill out. After all, they were already in their second year of high school, so it was only natural for them to start thinking about their future career plans. The class was filled with hopeful faces wondering about the future they envisioned.
"I really want to study in Tokyo, I'm sick of being here. There's not much to do, I'll play to my heart's content when I get there!" Nishimura squealed with excitement.
Kitamoto and Natsume only responded with a laugh, which was quite amusing when their friend seemed so enthusiastic for reasons that were very true to his character.
Until the homecoming bell rang, Natsume had not been able to write anything down about his future career. He thought of discussing it later as he walked home with his friends. Natsume wanted to hear about his friends' plans first, maybe he would get inspired.
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"I might consider helping my father at the temple," Tanuma said as he ate the ice cream he had bought earlier.
Nishimura laughed enthusiastically. "I see! It's no surprise that Tanuma wants to follow in his father's footsteps, I can even imagine it clearly."
"I'm not sure if I'll follow in my father's footsteps or not, but at least I'll help him with the shrine first." Tanuma turned to Kitamoto and asked, "What about you?"
Kitamoto shrugged and muttered before he answered. "Maybe I'll go straight to work. My father is sick and my younger sister is still in school."
They nodded in understanding, Kitamoto felt responsible in taking care of his ailing father and paying for his younger sister to go to school, they were sure he did not want to trouble his parents.
Hearing all the answers from his friends, Natsume was even more confused. He felt bad about going to college because the Fujiwara family would have to pay for him again, even though they said they didn't mind and were happy to hear it. But not Natsume, he didn't want to trouble the Fujiwara family anymore after they had always been patient in dealing with his mess. On the other hand, if Natsume wanted to work right away, he didn't know what field to work in. His skills were average and there was nothing he was interested in or good at. Natsume didn't want to become an exorcist like Natori or Matoba, because it was too much trouble.
There was only one thing Natsume knew, and that was that he didn't want to leave the place he was living in. At first glance, Natsume wished that time would stop or loop endlessly so that he could enjoy his time as a school student even longer, though that was not possible. Natsume wished to never leave the city he lived in.
Deep down, Natsume felt a strange feeling. Normally he didn't care where he lived, how he lived, or fear if he died. Since no one was by his side after his father left him, Natsume didn't really care if he lived or died. He lives because he’s not dead yet. Natsume is trying to survive because he’s fighting to live safely before he dies.
But lately Natsume felt like he was putting too much effort into his survival. He was sure Fujiwara wouldn't hurt him, Nyanko-sensei would take care of him, Natsume also had several ayakashi and friends he trusted. The life he was living now was nothing compared to the life before he was raised by Fujiwara.
Natsume became afraid to die.
Natsume was afraid of losing all the happy moments, all the opportunities he had never had, or the warmth he had already felt. Natsume was afraid of losing everything he received when he had nothing. Maybe just once, Natsume wanted to properly express his gratitude to his loved ones.
However, Natsume didn't know when it would happen. So, he wrote down his feelings in a thin journal and kept it between the stacks of textbooks. It felt too embarrassing for others to see and read the things he wrote down directly from his feelings. So until that time came, he would keep the journal.
In the end, Natsume wrote something simple on the future career plan form. Natsume planned that he could always pray for the people he knew, that they would always have their happiness in return for being willing to accept him.
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In the third year, students are busy studying and preparing for university entrance tests, and Natsume is one of them. Although he had no intention of going to university, he had to at least do well in the school exams, as Natsume didn't want to bring shame to the Fujiwara family.
Natsume only spent his study time in his room, as study cafes were rare in the countryside, nor were libraries as large as in the city. Natsume knew all the differences, as he had lived in both places with various circumstances and atmospheres. Occasionally Natsume would study together at Tanuma's house, playing games to release the stress of studying.
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It was a sunny day and Tanuma was playing at Natsume's house to drop off a gift from his father. They chatted in Natsume's room, occasionally joking with Nyanko-sensei.
"Takashi-kun, there's a call for you!" Touko called him from downstairs.
Natsume excused himself to Tanuma and hurried downstairs. He saw Touko holding a landline phone and signaled him to come closer. Natsume immediately approached Touko and took over the phone.
"Hello, this is Natsume Takashi."
"Ah, Natsume-kun. This is Miyoko."
Natsume paused for a moment and remembered one of his relatives who had taken him in. The person on the phone was uncle Miyoko. Natsume responded as soon as he remembered him.
"Look, do you want to stay in your old family home? Or do you want to sell it?"
Natsume couldn't remember what the house he used to live in with his father looked like. He didn't even know where it was or how it was structured, Natsume had only heard about it without ever being able to go back there. Actually, he felt indecisive, but Natsume also didn't want to trouble uncle Miyoko. Taking care of an empty house was difficult and troublesome, and he wasn't sure he could go back there. In the end, Natsume agreed to sell the house instead. After all, he didn't imagine that he would have to move out of Fujiwara's house.
"Then, you can pick up your things left at the house during the next week. I'll give you the address." And the phone line was disconnected.
Natsume put the phone in its original place. Touko stood beside him with a worried and curious look. Natsume felt guilty for making Touko worry about him. He also explained about uncle Miyoko's request, Natsume would return to his family's house to get the things he needed before selling it.
"It's okay, I can go by myself, Touko-san."
But still, Touko felt worried, even Shigeru also showed a worry look. Natsume remained firm with his stance, he promised to take care of himself while there.
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Natsume stopped in front of the door of a house that felt familiar, there was his family's sign on the gate. Natsume found it strange to see his family name displayed in front of the house, he had seen too many signs for a family that wasn't his. He got a piece of paper with the map address of the house and a key.
As Natsume stepped into the living room, a tsunami of emotions flooded his mind. He remembered some things he had previously forgotten. The scribbles behind the door or on the floor. The unkempt and overgrown flower garden, not a pretty sight. However, Natsume lay on the terrace and stared at the garden for a long time. A flood of memories washed over him with various emotions caught in the corner of his eyes. The twilight was cool, with a breeze that choked his heart, and memories trapped by the net.
Natsume didn't take anything there, he wanted everything to stay where it was, then cleaned up before he went home. Natsume bought some souvenirs and sat for a while on a bench near the river, not far from there, there was a fairly high bridge. The river was flowing quite fast, but the view was beautiful from the bridge. There were many people passing by to walk or enjoy the view, Natsume was one of them.
"Nyanko-sensei, the scenery here is quite beautiful, isn't it? I used to pass by here to watch the sunset before going home."
"Nonsense."
Natsume just laughed, although the atmosphere was calm at that time, he did not feel nostalgic for the past at all. Natsume paid attention to the surroundings, the passing of people or the breeze that was getting colder.
"It looks like winter is coming soon. Nyanko-sensei, do you have any plans for the winter?"
"Lazing around while drinking sake, there's nothing better than that."
"You'll really be a pig than a cat."
"Hey, brat! Disrespectful to your master!"
Natsume had always wanted to freeze time since he moved in with Fujiwara. He still wanted to feel the affection every day, the warmth in the arms of his friends, or argue with the yokai who received him. No one minded his strange fox-like eyes or his abnormal behavior. Natsume felt safe.
Nyanko-sensei was always scolding Natsume for him too gentle behavior. Helping a creature from a different world without knowing the consequences that would happen to him, what a troublesome naive human being and Nyanko-sensei could do nothing but keep him by his side.
Like in a few seconds later, Natsume ran to save the child who was about to fall off the bridge railing. Sacrificing himself and his entire life for just one life he didn't know. Throwing the child's body to safety and replacing it with his body that was now free falling into the rushing river. Nyanko-sensei couldn't even predict it, he was too late to save him, only to hear the noise of people and a crying child. Even so, Madara searched along the river to find the body of the human child he was guarding.
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The news reached the ears of the Fujiwara family. Touko who heard it was so devastated that she fainted several times, Shigeru wasn't even sure if he could calm his wife's heart if his also broken. Their child’s body arrived two days later and was buried on the same day. The funeral was kept simple, but Touko felt that a lot of people came just to express their loss and sympathy.
His school friends came with puffy eyes and were reluctant to go home. The famous actor Natori that Touko used to see on television also came. Some people Touko didn't know also came, she felt relieved that Natsume was loved by many people. The strange man with the right eye patch, the tall man with slightly curly hair, the beautiful woman with her kimono and dark blue hair, and some people Touko didn't recognize. Natsume never told her that, but he made many good friends during his short life.
There weren't many things that Natsume left behind, Touko kept everything in place. Several friends from school were still at Fujiwara's house, they just sat silently without anyone talking. It was devastating to think that the friend they cared about left so quickly, even they still greeted each other last week.
There was the sound of a door closing from upstairs and Touko descended the stairs, walking over to the group of teenagers who were still sitting in silence. In her hands, she seemed to be carrying several neatly folded pieces of paper.
"I found this amongst a pile of his textbooks and found your names written there. Try reading it," Touko said in her gentle tone.
Each piece of paper contains gratitude and thanks with neatly arranged sentences. With every stroke, the letter was written with care. For some reason, the vocabulary that usually seemed ordinary, now seemed to be an arrow that pierced their hearts. Sobs filled the room, and their hands couldn't even wipe away the tears that fell like rain.
Natsume thanked them and apologized for his limitations in showing his concern.
Tanuma felt that there was nothing for him to apologize for, nothing that Natsume had done wrong. Even everyone agreed that Natsume deserved more than this. The friend they loved had left them first. That night, they only hoped that Natsume knew that they loved him.
"At least Natsume came back to this town. He told me a few days ago, that Natsume didn't want to leave this town when he was confused about filling out the future career plan form. I didn't expect the future to be like this," Kitamoto recounted with regret.
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They don't know how many summers have passed since the death of their loved ones. Tanuma and his friends occasionally visit Fujiwara's house to see how they're doing and to letting go of longing.
At night, they would part ways to return to their own homes. Since Natsume's death, Tanuma never saw Ponta's whereabouts. He seemed to disappear following Natsume's whereabouts.
On his way home, Tanuma had to pass through the forest. The place where he and Natsume used to play back in the day, Tanuma missed those days. The lack of lighting made Tanuma have to be careful, he had slipped several times before. But this time, before Tanuma had time to balance his body, his vision felt spinning and he suddenly sat down near a tree. Tanuma blinked a few times before realizing that he was about to fall off a cliff.
Tanuma did not stop thanking and feeling relieved. But he could feel an aura that felt familiar. When Tanuma had reached his home, he felt the breeze whispering something in a voice he had missed.
"Be careful next time, Tanuma."
Tanuma looked around, there was no one there but him. It felt like he was going crazy, the shadow of Natsume still haunting him. But that night Tanuma let the figure of Natsume attend his dreams.
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Natsume didn't care if he died. Because before there would be no one to look for him and mourn his passing. But now he found a home, which welcomed him warmly every time he came home. Natsume could only smile and feel loved.
Although Natsume felt it was unfair to have to leave when he found a reason to stay. At least, someone would stay, always sing lullabies in his room and gently stroke his hair.
Natsume was exhausted, so he rested and closed his eyes.