Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Penelope Featherington had never been the type to ask for help. Her father was never quite around and her mother would only roll her eyes, complain and help at about a 30% capacity. So when Penelope had problems (whether dilemnas or tiny issues), she would just get in her head and try to solve it all by her lonesome self. Often, she would get tired and  would lay them all on paper, rearranging the parameters to solve them quicker. But, alas, Penelope was often stuck with them, lingering at the back of her brain.

With the years, some of the load was shared with her friends, notably Eloise Bridgerton. It was, oh so easy to complain to Eloise, as she loved to overshare as well. Penelope thought that she might know about all of Eloise’s birthmarks, cycles, creaky elbows and stressed-induced morbid thoughts.

It was great to have formed such a wonderful friendship, so early on in her life. Apart from complaints, they had many similar interests, goals and world views and they "clicked". Penelope was grateful for this friendship, but even then, she would only complain with easy-to-fix problems and she would keep the biggest to her chest, for her diary, and for her anonymous reddit account. Penelope was a regular poster on the forums, sharing her opinions and her problems with every members of each community.

Her most current too-deep to share problem was her periods. It had been excruciatingly painful these past months and she could not understand why. In addition to that, with university ending while still working at her internship at Danbury publishing, her mind was starting to get into overload mode. She recognized it straight away: she would insult herself more often, blaming every mistakes on her intellect and clumsiness “shit, you are so dumb Penelope!”. She would also keep on scrolling on her phone way longer than usual and the words on the books she was reading were starting to mix more.

In addition to all that, she was having money problems: her dad had lost a fair share of his money to gambling and her internship was unpaid, so she did not have as much free time to pick up odd jobs to round up the end of the month and cover her share of the rent. London was also an extremely expensive city to live in, and her friends, especially Edwina, had expensive tastes for going out Fridays. At least, Penelope thought to herself, “I have a group or friends that love me”. Eloise, Edwina, Rae and Colin.

Colin Bridgerton was one of the too-deep problems to share with Eloise. Since she met him at the great age of 12, she had fallen into an everlasting crush, consuming a lot of her thoughts, inspiring pages and pages and pages of her diary. He was two years older than her and beautiful. He was tall, muscular and charming, always sharing jokes and smiles while remaining nice. It was a difficult combination, as in school, most boys would either take mockery too far or make jokes so niche and tied to manhood that it would make Penelope cringe more than anything.

But not Colin. His jokes were refined and never at the expense of her body or her flamboyant red hair. Now, at age 25, Colin seemed to be away most of the time, posting his adventures on the internet, never worrying about money, or his body or his future. Unlike Penelope, nobody was really counting on him to save a family’s legacy, he was free to be him, free to disappear, free to disappoint. Penelope could never do that, as her existence was already a form of disappointment. At least her good grades, brought out a form of pride and love from her parents, only interested in her social climbing instead of her happiness.

Penelope was happy. Surely, she thought she was. Stress was a part of her but her secret stash of anxyolitics, only taken in case of panic attacks and emergencies, made her life a tad easier.

According to Colin’s story, he was still in Sidney, enjoying a long trip in Australia. He was supposed to arrive in London this weekend and he had planned a celebration at Mondrich's, their teenage years favorite pub.

Two weeks ago, he had texted her: “Hey Pen! Can you come to my party at M's on the 22^nd ? I am back from down under and will host a drinks nights! Feel free to bring a +1”

Penelope was relieved and happy that he reached out to her, even if it was fleeting messages through Instagram as their friendship was very important to her. Her acquaintances were always surprised that such a big influencer was following her, but Pen always said “it is just a childhood friend, Eloise’s brother”. She was interesting for 5 seconds, before the uni group projects took over polite chit-chats.

Penelope was so eagerly awaiting the 22^nd, she wanted to see him again. It would be great to experience a glimpse of teenage summer, before adulthood worries and master’s thesis. And she wanted to see him again.

See, the last time they spoke in real life, they had drunkenly kissed for 2 seconds, before he excused himself. Something small had broke that night, and Pen had stressed over it for many nights and many Reddit posts. But Colin seemed to have forgotten or forgiven this isolated incident and inviting her to a party seemed like a pretty resolution. It was probably forgotten.

So Pen, tried to find a +1, someone to flaunt, to let him know she also forgot the indiscretion. Hinge was not perfect, but at least, she matched with a guy and he was nice. Blond, a few years older, working at the Natural History Museum. He was pleasant and their first date was good, fun and not a big new problem.

Eloise was happy for her, because this man seemed great on paper for her friend. Edwina was a pit puzzled by him and told her in the groupchat.

“Are you sure he is not too boring for you?”

“Eddie, he’s not boring because he is passionate about climate change!” she had typed.

Eloise chimed in: “At least he has principles, unlike some of us… that take the plane as often as Kim K”

Pen reacted to the message by laughing.

Edwina answered “ouch, are you criticizing a dear bother of yours, Eloise?”

Pen smiled slightly while Eloise answered a simple yes, before she changed subjects and sent a picture of her new book, with the caption: “we should all read this together!”

The 22^nd rolled around and Pen was apprehensive: she had a paper’s deadline in two days, an important work meeting on Monday and she was not sure she could think of something other that the half kiss she shared with Colin, a month and a half ago.

When she arrived, Alfred was already there, sharing a beer with Simon, Daphne’s boyfriend and talking with him about a political matter that she had quickly followed on the news but had no set opinion on. She smiled at him, kissing him slightly on the lips. She was happy in his big arms, safe. That’s when Colin decided to appear, tanner, almost taller than before, with longer and brighter hair. The prettiest he had been in a while and she fell right back in love, the arms of Alfred feeling now heavy on her back.

He shouted “Pen!” and hugged her, ignoring the other two persons with her. He smelled as nice as ever. So annoying.

She smiled politely and she catched-up with his adventures, asking about beaches, water and food. He seemed very happy, as if nothing had ever happened between them.

The night was fun, music flowing in the bar, laughs and Eloise’s words of affirmation. She slowly kissed Alfred to some Taylor Swift and it felt ok, her heart feeling contempt.

But the night ended badly, because as she was catching a bit of fresh air, she heard words that destroyed the faintest of self-appreciation she had recently gained.

To Benedict, who was smoking outside of the bar, Colin said: “Are you crazy? Of course, I’ll never date Pen!”

To her disbelief, Colin who had always been nice and charming, had become cruel in a few seconds, and she felt like falling. Nobody saw her and she quickly escaped the bar crying. She only texted Eloise and Albert saying: “Going home, I forgot that I needed to submit something before midnight for uni, see you.”

Life was awful.

Maybe Reddit would help her. So between tears, she typed out her problem.

R/Advice

“I (23,F), has always had a crush on C (25, M), my best friend (E, 23, F) brothers. Before his last trip, at a party we shared a drunken kiss before he said sorry and left. Since then, we have been friendly but something has changed. I tried to move on, and began dating for the past 2 weeks, A (28, M), a fine man who I am still exploring things with. Last night, at C’s welcoming party, he was his usual happy self and we talked like before, like nothing happened. However, I left the party early because I heard him say to B (28,M), his brother “Are you crazy, I’ll never date Pen!”. I said nothing and left pretending I had an urgent uni matter. What can I do? Should I just forget and focus on A? Any tips are welcomed”.

Maybe someone will give her a sound advice.

At least she hoped.

Little did she know that the post would blow up. And that, Colin, while scrolling would hear a podcaster recounting the issue a month later.

Little did she know that this post would blow her life up.

Chapter Text

Colin had always been the type to be asked for help. Everyone seemed drawn to him. He did not really know why, as he did not feel that he was particularly helpful to others or that his advices were exceptionally wise but his brothers, his sisters and his friends would often request his opinion on matters of the heart, on travel plans and for general life-hacks. It had been like that since he was quite young, as he always had been quite sensitive to the needs of others, always heartbroken when no solutions were found.

That is why, he first enrolled in Uni to become an English teacher. He loved to read and write, especially with Penelope and he wanted to help a younger crowd, always invested in Gregory’s and Hyacinth shenanigans. The younger generation was, to him, neither lost nor lazy but full of dreams, snarks and wit, just waiting on more hope.

He was not the best student, but he did not dream of a PhD so his grades were perfectly suitable to become a teacher. He knew that Anthony had quietly judged his choice as this was not exactly the most money-making career.

The Bridgerton family was old-money: his grand-father was the descendant of a noble man and the inventor of a new kind of zoom lens for photography. Bridgerton Lens Company (or BLC for short in today's economy) was used in many cameras and still hugely appreciated by both amateurs and professionals.

Anthony was managing the company and had been quite good at partnering with a couple of phone’s companies to explore a new market.

Colin could care less about markets. He was quite close with his grand-father as they both shared a passion for travel and photography. When he lost him, while in his second year of uni, Colin was completely devastated. Grandpa Martin was a father figure for him and his siblings since their dad passed away when he was younger and Colin looked up to him particularly. So, he drank his sorrows away and began partying with a new crew, full of superficial guys that, at least, were not always asking if he was okay. They joked, danced and went to clubs. He began travelling a lot with them, maybe every other week-end, to go clubbing at a new hip place, much to Eloise’s dismay for the environmental cost of such a lifestyle.

As Colin was quite good with photography (and well equipped), his Instagram and Tiktok accounts blew up soon after he made his account public. A lot of people loved his lifestyle videos and his artistic photos of European cities and Caribbean beaches. He dropped out of uni, as he was making a lot of money now but especially because photography and videography made him feel close to his grandfather. In addition to that, he joined Bridgerton Lens Company, working part-time as an advisor on new technologies and influence. A bullshit nepo-baby job, that he nonetheless took quite seriously.

Once a week, he would explore Tiktok and Instagram viral posts to report to Anthony on adapting strategy. He was quite the head-turner in the office. Colin knew that he was handsome. He worked out a lot, took care of his hair, of his skin, of this clothes. He spent a pretty penny on it, so he hoped it was not fruitless.  

After spending a bit more than a month in Australia, hiding, Colin had come back to London the month prior. He threw a party and invited HER. Penelope.

The reason for his writing and the reason of his impromptu trip halfway across the world. See, Colin has always liked her and considered her his best friend. But one night, at a party hosted by a mutual friend (Eloise), they had kissed. He was extremely sober as he had an important meeting the next day but something about the air, the music and the scent of her perfume rendered her irresistible. It was not the first time he had found her attractive as he found her attractive all the time. But attractive and attracted to become more than friends were different, and Colin respected her too much to actually pursue her. She was his female best friend, as he said often to others.  

But this night, her smile, her laugh, her dress made her so kissable, so adorable and so, in a moment of weakness, he touched her lips and it was magical.

Quickly, he tasted alcohol in her breath and something sprung in his mind: “she can not properly consent, mission kissing Penelope must be aborted!!!!” So he left, pretending that he needed to call Anthony for a work thing, saying sorry a lot more that was needed.

He liked kissing her, and he wanted to kiss her again but it felt like too much so he left. He fled. Thanks to his lifestyle, the move was not seen as surprising to anybody expect maybe to Eloise, who Colin had promised to take the plane less to.

Now he was back and he had planned on moving past his “weird crush”, wanting to conserve the friendship he cared to most about. See, Colin was not sure he liked being an influencer all that much: the lifestyle, the pressure to be attractive, the rhythm, the constant flirting with an imaginary crowd was … tirying, and a bit pointless in his opinion. And Penelope, she was his old life, she was the reason he wrote so much and read most of the books he called his favourites. So she must stay his friend, and a half-kiss must not change anything.

The problem was, that, Colin WAS drunk when he destroyed said friendship. Because, he wanted nobody to found out about his “crush” or his “mishap”, he had tried to diffuse Benedict’s quick jock about Penelope’s new boyfriend and how much Colin must be jealous. The words stung him and his cigarette almost dropped on the floor. He never saw Penelope but he soon learned about the drama because of social media.

Indeed, Penelope, an avid redditor, had written about it and a famous podcaster, talked about her story in one of her episode about a month after the incident. This month was awful. Penelope was cold and distant but he had assumed it was because of her new boyfriend, Alfred. Or because of the kiss and Colin, still stuck on the kiss and fostering a crush on his best friend decided to stay away. Anthony was also quite harsh with him not meeting some data and Colin was not in the best mood anyway.

So when he saw the blond podcaster recalling the story, the blood of his face vanished. This was CLEARLY Penelope. She even wrote her name! She heard him. His life WAS over. He had been mean and condescending. He hated himself.

The TikTok was quite viral, every one calling “C” a jackass in the comments. Colin felt SO BAD. He thought of himself as a good guy, he respected women and he liked Penelope so damn much. He wanted to disappear forever and take the joke back. He wanted to apologize, but he felt as though no apology could be big enough.

Nevertheless, to appease his mind he became an internet sleuth to find the original post and really confirm that it was Penelope. He did so in order to say sorry, but also to be 100% sure he was not going to apologize to her for something she knew nothing about (this probability was of exactly 0%, he knew it, but a guy needs to be reassured).

Surely, after 10 minutes of deep work (writing the title of the post on google and finding the account), it was confirmed. He really had been a JACKASS.

Curiosity took over him and he explored the account. There were hundreds of posts and comments about so many things and Colin fell into a well, trying to understand Pen’s life better.

“R/eczema

Hi y’all! I am having trouble again with my eczema on my eyelids. Any recommendation apart from going to the derm? (waitlist and no money for private). Thanks!”

“Comment on R/Gilmore Girls

Replying to @tttlovesgg

I don’t agree, Marty was TOTALLY in the wrong in season 7! Who lies to a former friend like that? Plus, male and female friendship ARE so important. My bestie is a guy who I could not love more and if he pulled something like this I would be so angry”

“R/love advice

Hello all! I (22, F) still have a lingering crush on C (24,M) my male best friend, the brother of E, my best friend who I could die for. What can I do to move past it? Summer parties are awesome but SO hard as I blush every time I see him shirtless… I am so passionate about finding love but this crush makes all guys seem quite… dull in comparison and I don’t want to be a bad girlfriend. Any piece of advice is appreciated!”

“Comment on R/endometriosis

Replying to @emmyli_897

Wow, your experience looks like mine, maybe I should investigate… I was always told that period pain is normal but the past months had been quite… brutal, especially during my ovulation… Maybe I should get back on the pill but I was not a fan of the side effects…”

“Comment on R/moneyproblems

Replying to @zoeyzozy

I totally get it… My parents won’t help me much but their income is too high for me to qualify for more scholarships. Life’s shitty… I need a sugar daddy lol”

Colin felt empty inside and guilt took over his mind. Pen’s life seemed so hard. It seemed as though she was struggling a lot behind the mask of joyfulness she would always put on for him. She was broke, in pain and she had love problems. The last thing was kind of on him, but it still broke his heart. And on top of that, she felt that she had lost him. 

He should fix it. He should own up. He should … He did not know exactly what he should do. Because he liked her, but she seemed keen on moving past him and he just had said he would never date her (he really felt like a prick). He had humiliated her and now, the story was viral. All because of his dumb comment.

So Colin did the only reasonable thing he could think of in the meantime: he sent her money.

No words, no notes, no nothing. Just money. 1000 pounds.

He was not sure exactly why he did it but money seemed like something Pen wanted. Or needed.

Also, deep down, he hoped, her comment on R/moneyproblems, was still true. If he was not able to commit emotionally, maybe he could commit some other way? He felt hardening, but he quickly realized that these thoughts were extremely inappropriate. He was just helping a friend in need. And saying sorry for being dumb. And saying sorry for the way the post blew up.

Penelope did not answer straightaway to his Venmo. He did not really expect it.

But the next week, while he was preparing himself for a trip in Norway he received an Instagram DM for @PenelopeF_

“hum Colin, we should talk. Are you free tomorrow morning ?”

He was not technically, but for Pen, he would be.

Chapter Text

Penelope was in the middle of reviewing an essay that she needed to submit the next day, when she received the weirdest notification that she may have ever received.

“Venmo: From Colin B. +1000 £”

Her eyes grew wide: why would Colin Bridgerton send her money worth her month’s rent? After she had not spoken to him in a month? Her mind went into crisis mode, wondering why he made such a weird move. It was not precisely anxiety, but more pure confusion. And Penelope did not really like when she did not have answers to things in life, so this was particularly annoying to her.

It was not the only weird thing that had happened that day. Indeed, Eloise had texted her “we need to talk, you little liar 😊” before ghosting her for several hours (which made Pen sweat profusely). Was she mad? Was she admirative of something she did or said? Was she just being Eloise? So many questions that went unanswered. So instead, she focused on something she could complete. Her paper.

Quickly, she regretted this move as the paper was on the representations of love in Annie Ernaux’s books, which was hard, because Ernaux had many books and too many niche references linked to 1960’s French pop culture. But, still, it was coming together quite nicely and she corrected some mistakes while rearranging her first part, so it would be more analytical.

Due to her upcoming deadlines and, notably her master’s thesis writing, Pen had deleted Instagram, quite angrily, after she had lost an hour scrolling looking at cute puppy videos. Cute puppies were extremely cool but they were also extremely irrelevant to getting her degree and she needed to gain freedom back, or at least gain a bit of control into her messy life.

She had become a sort of hermit for the past week, even ignoring Alfred’s calls, which she thought was a shame as she liked him quite a bit. The guy was great and a practical solution to love. She often imagined herself safe with him, falling asleep to some cute movie. Something was missing between them but she could not pinpoint it (sex). It was not as though they had not kissed or anything of the sort but, it was, just… lacking (passion, it’s lacking passion).

He was handsome and her type, so Pen blamed her stressful situation and the new pill she was on. See, after a terrible period, she had finally decided to consult a gynecologist about the situation. She explained everything; the painful sex, the heavy periods, the cramps from hell–like knife perforating her lower abdomen. But she was not sure it was that much of a big deal because it was not painful all the time and during all periods. But these past three months, she even cramped on normal days, and especially when she was ovulating which was becoming VERY tiring. And Penelope Featherington did not have time to be tired. She had shit to do. So the gyno recommended an MRI at an endometriosis clinic as well as a new pill. But this pill made her grumpy and a bit aloof. Alas, her pain was diminishing so she took that as a win.

Finally, right after she had finished reading her conclusion and she was mindlessly scrolling on YouTube Shorts (addiction IS really scary), her phone rang. A blurry photo of Eloise blowing her tongue  appeared on the screen and she quickly picked up.

“Penelope Featherington, you big liar”

Pen sprung out of her chair and answered back, “What is happening? What did I do?”

“Did you post on Reddit that my stupid brother said he would never date you and that YOU HAD A CRUSH ON HIM?”

Pen was mortified, the blood went out of face to gather all in her cheeks. She almost fainted. How was she found? Her reddit handle was @LadyWhistledown, nothing like her real name? 

“How did you find my reddit post?” 

“The girl from TwoHotTakes talked about it in one of her episodes, three days ago, and now, it’s viral on TikTok and Instagram. Have you not seriously seen it?” Eloise said back, with a calmer voice.

“No I have not! I’ve deleted all social media except for whatsapp…. That’s, that’s, that’s…” She hyperventilated, not able to regain the normal control of her breath. She sat on her bed, her head going at 100 miles an hour. What was happening? Was this the reason why Colin sent her money?

“Hey, chill, baby! You need to know who you are to understand who it is about. Strangers won't find you… You left your name on the post, so it clicked right away, but I am not sure anyone besides me, Edwina and maybe Hyacinth would put 2+2 together. Maybe Colin and Benedict, too but…”

“That’s awful… I thought I was safe, I thought I was private on there…” Pen said while regaining a bit of composure.

“If it makes things better, everyone is calling Colin a bellend in the comments… Even the girl from the podcast says he is rather stupid. But Pen… Colin really?” Eloise said a bit angrily.

“Yeah, I… I…” She went silent.

“Well? Pen, tell me? Am I not your best friend? I feel a bit betrayed that you never confessed to me…” Eloise said, her voice, shaking a bit.

“I told nobody…“

“Except everyone on the Internet…”

“I told nobody in real life!” Pen exclaimed. “I’ve had a crush on Colin since I was really young, but it’s a… passing crush. It’s almost as if it does not exist…”

Eloise was silent for a while.

“Well, it’s your life, but you could’ve told me…” she said.

“I know, I am very sorry,” Penelope said. She then anxiously waited before saying, “Okay, just to be 100% honest… Colin just sent me 1000£ and I don’t know why. Do you think he knows?”

Eloise took a moment before saying “I think he does... but what the hell? 1000£? Did he say anything?”

“No he did not…”

“Well, you should talk to him. Are you free tomorrow? We could prepare something together. Pen, I am shocked, but I am here for you, you know that right?” Eloise said with a warmer voice.

So they met and Pen rehearsed something to say but she chickened out, a grand total of 53 times before finally being able to send a message to him, reinstalling Instagram in the process.

“Umm, Colin we should talk. Are you free tomorrow morning ?”

Only 30 seconds later, three dots formed on her screen and Pen panicked, throwing her Iphone on her bed, hoping the cracks on its pink glass would not shatter more.

But, alas, 5 minutes later, she checked her phone, and here it was, the answer: “Yes. Can we meet at Mondrich’s?”

The next day, Pen woke up anxious. She took the tube worriedly, counting each station as if it was a death sentence. She walked in the rain, trying to maintain her curls despite forgetting an umbrella.

She awaited his arrival at the pub that they had frequently met up at from their teenage years to now. It was weird, Penelope felt like something massive was going to happen, but she could not really predict what. As usual, Pen was early. The clock rung 10 am and Colin arrived just 3 minutes later. Very proper.

He entered with a striped shirt that was highlighting his muscles, especially his biceps and Pen gulped at the shape and the size. It was almost pornographic how handsome he was. His hair, freshly cut, was perfectly curling and his lips had been moisturized just enough that she wanted to kiss them, devouring him in the process.

She needed to calm down. Or to get with someone. It was objectifying. He was a human with feelings.

He sat down, smiling anxiously at her. There was a good 30 seconds where they exchanged neither words nor looks. Just pure angst, lying on the table, like a soundproof glass.

But Pen was brave so she opened her mouth, finding the right words. Or at least, fitting words to the guy that she has liked forever and that just gave her 1000 pounds after dismissing her in front of his brother. 

“Hum… Hello…”

“Hello Pen… I am so sorry.” Pen was disturbed by his statement but before she could say anything, it was like floodgates had opened and water was coming out of Colin’s mouth.

“So… I am definitely a dickhead… I saw your post, or at least, the video on Instagram and… I panicked, I did not know how to say sorry… Anyway, I am so sorry, Benedict was making fun of me, saying I was jealous of your boyfriend…”

“He is not my boyfriend,” she replied angrily. 

Colin’s eyes lit up, or at least she hoped they did. Maybe it was the reflection of the table, or the sky or the bullshit excuse she was giving herself not to expect too much out of this talk.

“So, he was saying, I was all jealous, and… I was to be frank. I did not want Ben to find out about our kiss, since you were not exactly in the right headspace to consent, so I did not want to drag you down and… I don’t know, I panicked, ok..? I am deeply sorry Pen really, if I could take it back I would” He had spoke quite quickly and Penelope searched for her words. She had prepared a ton of scenarios and she knew what to say to him to appear confident.

“Hum, ok let’s backtrack… I was absolutely consenting to the kiss, YOU backed out and left for more than a month and then asked me to come to a party with a +1!”

He turned his head to the ground and sighed for a second before squeezing his neck out of, she thought, anxiousness.

“Well… I tasted alcohol, so I… did not want to take advantage of you. It was true when I said I would not date, I am not ready, my job would get in the way and… I don’t know… You deserve more than that,” he said with conviction. 

“Who are you to decide what I deserve? A “relationship,”” she said with air quotes, “is between two people, nobody should decide without the other and put words on something that does not yet exist. I don’t have time to date as well!” 

She began counting each affirmation on her fingers, making him feel a bit uncomfortable. 

“I am writing my master’s thesis, and working a part-time internship in publishing while doing as many odd jobs as possible to pay rent, and I have freaking health problems… I like spending time with Alfie at the moment, but… I am not dating him per se… Little Penelope is not waiting on you to decide to date her Colin you know, I can take care of myself!!”.

He blinked before thinking for a second. Pen smiled; she had the upper hand and she said everything she had rehearsed with Eloise.

“But Pen, the thing is… at what cost?”. Pen was then a bit starttled, that was not a question she had thought of. She had prepared many things, rehearsing answers about being an independent women but she did not know he sent money because he was worried about her.

“Is that why you sent me money?”

“Yes and no… Pen… I found your reddit account…”

She flushed. Shit, shit, shit. A lot of her life was on this account. This was not on her cards.

“How?”

“I am not a 60 year old ok? I can google a title. You should private it or something or delete the post…”

She blinked, losing every bit of composure she had just gained.

“well… umm, yes surely…”

“So, Pen, please… let me help you. I can send you money… like… I am very rich”.

Here it was again, the smugness, his mouth curled at the end of his sentence as if he was very proud of himself.

“But, for what?”

“I am your friend and I publicly humiliated you. Again, I am very sorry. Let me help you… I can send you money and in exchange…”

Pen turned her head suddenly, surely he was not propositioning himself? She was completely taken aback.

“In exchange?”

“I know you were joking, but I read some of your posts and…”

“Colin, are you asking to be my sugar daddy? That’s…” she wanted to say outrageous, but who was she kidding? She wanted to kiss him, she wanted to fuck him. Still, his proposition was completely inapropriate. Or was it ? Pen's mind was going at a 100 miles per hour. He must have read some of her joke-comments? Surely, he was just joking right ?

He waited, smiling, touching her hand, which electrified her. Like this conversation was completely normal for him, like he had done it before.

“I can just send you money if you want, I don’t really care”

She wanted to cry. Money was the root of all her problems, and here he was, carelessly throwing it out of the window.

“But… I think you like me… I know you do,” he said. “And… I think you are a very attractive person. I never said it to you but…" They blushed at the same time. It was not a love confession by any means but it was something Pen had been waiting on hearing. 

He continued "And I know you said you needed, hum, sex 'cause you were..."

“Sexually frustrated?” she admitted, remembering some jokes and some posts she had made on R/endometriosis. Like how sex was painful and how much she wanted to get finally satiated.

“Yes… You’re my best friend… I can help you, you know… If you are consenting obviously!”

He winked. Good god, was he unserious sometimes. And freaking charming. She melted.

“Well… I don’t know, wouldn’t this dynamic not be weird?” she questioned skeptically. "I don't... What would it mean for us in the long term? And... I... don't know if... What if we are unequal afterwards?..."

Colin's smile shortened and he said "Pen... I... realised with your post that... I care about you... Let me take care of you..." He touched her thumb then, sending a wave of hope to her heart. Surely they could try... 

"I am not saying yes, yet, what if it does not work? I am still mad about your comment you know..."

"I am so sorry again and maybe it won't work and we will go back to being friends, but Pen, god, how to put it… I’ve been thinking of your lips since we shared that half-assed kiss… and you need money, and we are not ready for relationships.”

She smiled. This was absolutely not how she saw the conversation going but it felt victorious to her. They should try. Why not? What did she have to lose? 

“I only have one condition,” he requested. “Please, delete the post and put your account on private”. 

He laughed and she laughed.

“I have a condition as well…” she responded.“If I were to say yes… We should be able to get with other people. I like Alfred. I know you like Amira…” 

Colin blushed.

“And this is mostly a loan, I would pay you back at one point for some of it. And it's a temporary trial okay? Plus, I don’t want to have sex right away… I just… can’t.” She looked at the floor, pondering if she should confess.

“I… am being diagnosed for endometriosis, and…well… at the moment I don’t feel very confident there.” She felt as though she should confess this to him, as weird as it was. He smiled, squeezing her hand.

“Ok, darling. Then it’s settled. I’ll send you money, at least 1000 pounds a month to pay for your rent and we’ll see how it goes. We don’t have to label it… you know, I can just be a helpful best friend who is overly sorry, again…”

She smiled and they shook hands. It was strange and electric and Pen thought to herself: well maybe this post was not that much of a mistake. 

Chapter Text

Colin had absolutely no idea how to be a sugar daddy. Like he understood it had to do with money and special kinds of rewards, but he was not sure he was into the “daddy” part. He did not see Pen as any other thing than a very attractive woman. He also did not want to take advantage of her, or feel as though he had more power over her. He wanted her to be free to tell him to stop at any moment. He wanted her to feel safe and happy.

He had always been worried about her mental health and her levels of stress, as she was always running everywhere, never having time for herself; or so it seemed. He wanted, especially since he learned of all her issues, to pamper her. To make her the most relaxed she’d ever been.

The afternoon after the meeting with Pen, Colin Bridgerton did some research on what he called “ethical sugar daddying”, a term completely made up by himself. He did not find much but he knew two things: he would always put consent first and the more important thing is not sex but the money and safety he provided for her. If she never wanted to do things with him, he would be okay with that.

Because of the meeting with Penelope, Colin had changed his flight and he was heading to Oslo for an event, later than intended. He was meeting with Amira, another travel influencer to promote a new hotel in the city.

During the flight, he looked up Alfred on Instagram. You know, to evaluate the competition… And he was… perfect for Pen.

This made Colin so annoyed. He was calm, not bad-looking and mature (Colin knew that he himself was not the most mature guy). He liked to read and it seemed his passion for climate change was genuine. Colin was feeling guilty sitting in his plane seat, all this way up in the sky–Debling may be a better man than him for it. Colin often felt like he did not have the courage of his convictions, too embedded in his privileged lifestyle. 

Pen also had updated her story. She was wearing a low cut gingham dress and she was absolutely breathtaking. Colin, especially since the meeting, wondered how he managed not to see her in a sexual way before. He had always found her pretty and attractive, but this past year, it had become too much to handle and, when the occasion arose, he kissed her. He liked her as a friend and he found her pretty, but she deserved the world and he was not in the position to be an involved boyfriend. In addition to that… He was not yet sure of his feelings for her. He just knew he wanted to kiss her back and going away for the weekend felt awful to him. He dreamed of going back to London and spending all day with her, making her experience new things. This past year, he had been richer than he’d ever been. And Pen, occupied by her Master’s degree, did not really enjoy his new wealth. He just wanted to treat her.

When he arrived in Oslo, it was colder than he expected and he felt a bit alone, checking in his 5 star hotel suite that was paid for, due to him advertising for them. Amira had planned another thing tonight and he did not know what to do. He was sexually frustrated, as he was thinking about Pen and their new dynamic quite a lot.

While he was contemplating what he should do, he received a photo. It was Penelope, wearing the same dress as before, in an even more flattering angle.

She asked, “Have you arrived at your hotel yet?”

He quickly answered back, settling on the bed. “Yes I have. You are really pretty!”

 He sent her 100£, feeling nervous and excited to actually begin this sugary thing. When he had done his research, he saw that this “thing” did not have to be enormous gestures every month, but that treating her very often, smaller things was also good.

He expected another answer but Pen was not connected anymore and he was all alone again. Travelling as often as he did was often isolating. So, after 10 minutes of mindless scrolling, he went to the hotel’s bar. He hoped Amira would be here and that he could chat with her, but alas, no one was here. He went out and walked to Oslo’s palace–it was late but the garden was still open. There was a pond with ducks and a kids installation which was a bit scary, especially the bunny. He sent a picture to Pen and went on with his walk. 

Oslo was pretty big but walking was good for him. He wanted to see the city before his “official discovery” and it made him calmer. Soon, he was by the port, admiring the boats, wondering where they all had been. Colin was often conflicted between leaving and never coming back or staying in London indefinitely, like there was no in between. 

Once he was back at the hotel, he texted Pen again. She was not answering.

He groaned. He had just gained her back after 2 months of barely speaking. He wanted her all to himself. He sent her a picture of himself, in his bed, his hair disheveled. But again no answer. 

He thought of her constantly; everything in his mind was Pen-shaped.

He wanted to taste her now, to go beyond a kiss, to feel her under his arm, to touch her curves, to feel everything she had to offer.

 Colin decided to touch himself, to feel relieved. He opened his computer for some visual stimuli. But the porn he had picked up seemed dull in comparison to his memory of Penelope's freckles; the ones that were on her waist, like he had seen last summer at Aubrey Hall. Nothing was more enticing than this and he closed his eyes, imagining her. He finished quite quickly and fell asleep soon after.

The next morning, there were still no signs of Pen. He sighed. Why was she not answering him? Was she with him? With Debling? 

He grumbled through all of his getting ready routine; working out, his 12-step skin care regimen, eating a copious breakfast and dressing himself with the online assistance of his stylist (yes he had one).

He met up with Amira who was already downstairs, waiting in a small gingham red dress, the same kind that Penelope wore the day before. She was objectively pretty. Just not as much as Pen. 

She smiled at him. Amira had beautiful black hair and it was clear why she was a model. Colin realized something, looking at her reapplying lipstick, he had forced himself to consider her as a potential “conquest” because she fitted his lifestyle and what the world deemed appropriate for him. But she was not his type. 

They did the whole collaboration while Colin was distracted, always trying to see if Penelope answered. But no luck, she did not. 

The day passed. It felt way longer than his usual collaboration days. They navigated Oslo by car, stopping at all the landmarks, to promote the chain's new hotel in the city. There was a whole crew.

 After the filming ended, the team decided to get together to debrief at a bar. They had settled on a winery by the port. Amira was sitting next to him and the photographer, videographer and hotel manager were chatting. They were all drinking a lovely wine that Colin thought to be Côteaux du Layon or Monbazillac, but he was not quite sure. 

Amira turned a bit and smiled widely at him. They had seen each other before at several events. “So Colin! How was Australia!” 

He smiled back “Great! I surfed quite a lot but I missed my family,” (and Penelope) he thought.

”I understand 100%, I love my family as well! But this job is so interesting and an opportunity not everyone is given!”

Colin answered in a lower voice, “Yes… but sometimes it feels pointless, no?” 

Amira looked a bit concerned and she squeezed his arm. “It’s not! People love escaping and, you Colin Bridgerton, are so charming, you make people happy!”

He smiled back at her but felt weird being touched by her. 

The drink was quick, Colin being off and trying to reach Penelope. He tried sending money again but she still did not answer.

So when Colin went back to Oslo’s airport in the evening, he felt worried. Maybe something happened to Pen? He texted Eloise but she also had no idea. 

When he landed in London, a couple hours later, he decided to go straight to Pen’s flat. He knew it was an extreme way to react, but the fact that she was being this silent was strange. Even when she butted heads with him or Eloise, she answered.

She was living a bit far off the city center and it took a while to reach her neighborhood by car. He noted that he needed to find her a flat closer to his place. For practical purposes, obviously. 

When he arrived, he knocked on her door. It took a while before Pen answered. When she opened, Colin freaked out. He had never seen her like that. She was curled up with a blanket, her face extremely white, dark circles under her eyes. It seemed like she was in so much pain.

“Are you well Pen?”

She did not answer. Instead she cried, settling in his arms. She was trembling, and Colin picked her up because he thought she was about to pass out. He tried to squeeze her so that she would feel safe, holding her close to him. 

After two minutes of him hugging her, she collapsed on the floor, letting out a scream of what he could only describe as pure pain. 

“Pen! Do you need to go to the emergency room?”

She nodded no, before laying there, holding her stomach. That’s when Colin understood that she was in the middle of an endometriosis flare up. Or something similar. 

He went to her bathroom, looking for her hot water bottle, which was under the sink. He heated it up and went back next to her. “Do you need pain meds?”

She nodded yes. She was in so much pain, it broke his heart. She looked so pale and frail. “I need antalgics, please, they are in my bathroom”. 

He took a glass of water from her kitchen and the pain meds and helped her sit down. Her face was scrunched and she was letting out breaths of air every couple of seconds. “Do you want to be helped back to your bed?” 

She nodded again, smiling faintly.

So that’s what he did, helping her settle. He arranged pillows, and comforters so she could feel comfortable. He then ordered some ice-cream, while she was trying to find a suitable position in her bed. She was quiet, as if she was ashamed. 

“Please Pen, talk to me. Are you sure you don’t need to go to the doctor? How long have you been having this crisis?” 

“Since yesterday night. I didn’t sleep. The pain meds are not working and it feels as though I’m being torn in half. It took all of my strength to open the door and the flare up acted out. So sorry you had to see me like this. It’s normal, it’s my period, I just need to sleep. Tomorrow will be ok.” 

“Pen… you did not scare me. The flare up did. Never feel guilty about your health, please. You have endometriosis right?” He said, sitting on the bed, next to her. 

“I don’t know yet… I have an MRI scheduled later this week… If they see it then I don’t know what they will do… If they don’t, my gyno said I should do a lap’, but it is so scary.” 

He looked at her fondly. “It is, but you are very strong. This is a very painful condition and you have been living with it for a long time. Never forget your strength. Knowing is important, Pen. But do what you feel is best.” 

She looked him in the eyes. “Thank you… It means a lot. It’s weird you know… I want to have it, because it would explain the pain but I don’t want to have a life-long condition… And I want to have kids…” She cried while saying that. Colin had looked up endometriosis after discovering Pen’s reddit history. He knew a huge cause of infertility was endo. 

“It’s a legitimate fear, but you are 23! If you find out it’s really that, you will have ample time to figure it out. Not every woman with endo is infertile. And you can have kids in other ways…”

She smiled and said, “Thank you.”

They looked at each other fondly in comforting silence. Pen touched his arm and he nestled close to her. Maybe he could be a human hot water bottle?

Pen broke the peaceful silence. “Colin? Can you stay and watch a movie with me? I was so alone this weekend, and so…worried. The pain is so scary, you know… I have felt it many times but it’s… so… invalidating… I feel as though I want to pass out all the time… I did not want to scare anyone.” 

He hugged her tighter.“Of course I’ll stay. I ordered ice cream. We can watch Legally Blonde!”. He paused and said, “Have you eaten?” 

She nodded no. 

“Do you want to eat?” 

Pen said, lightly, “No… I am in too much pain. I just ate some fruit for the antalgic. Thank you for caring about me.”

“As long as I am alive, you’ll never be alone Pen, I promise,” he said, kissing her forehead. She finally smiled wide, looking more at peace.

Chapter Text

8 pm. 

The sun was settling down behind the clouds, pretty colours illuminating the sky with a light pinkish hue. Penelope Featherington was waiting for the bus with a slight worry marked on her forehead. She was wearing brand new black leather heels from Jonak, purchased by Colin a few days ago after she had mentioned needing new strappy ones. Penelope was still trying to figure out how their new relationship was going to work exactly, in the long term. She knew she had said it was more or less of a trial but Colin was already going 100% and she felt as though she had just won the lottery. Penelope had never been this spoiled before in her life. He had gifted her a beautiful bag and many knick-knacks, sent money when she would send selfies and had taken her out several times these past weeks to eat at fancy restaurants. They would talk about everything and nothing at the same time and it felt good to have her best friend back after the weird game of avoidance they had played these past few months.

Nevertheless, she was conflicted because it all had happened so fast, and she did not want to feel as if she was taking advantage of Colin. However, she felt relieved to have someone pampering her and taking care of her as it was something she had needed for quite some time now. Penelope needed to let her stress levels go down (cortisol is an enemy according to the internet). It was easier now to relax because her thesis was advancing well enough, and her internship was going well. It was weird for her to have some free time because she felt that every second she was not working was wasted at the altar of time. Like they had vanished, like it was her duty to overbook everything so that her brain had no time to reflect on all of the things she believed she was doing wrong.

But Colin was trying to buy her time and provide her serenity. And she was deeply grateful.

Colin was not being the “sugar daddy” she expected. She thought he would “just” send her rent money and help her with her big expenses but he was gifting her things ALL THE DAMN TIME. She did not know how to react because honestly she did not know why he was doing so much; she felt a bit guilty, like he was overreacting for the reddit post. 

Her reaction to the situation and his sugar daddy proposal surprised her: she had never guessed she would be so open to this idea. She thought of herself as an independent woman that could do it all. And she could, but not exactly to her satisfaction level and to the levels of perfection that she desperately wanted to meet. Penelope was also not as rich and as privileged as the Bridgertons. There was nothing to cry about, her mother and her father co-owned a tea-set shop in London, but her father was not an extremely good business owner. Plus, he was a bit of a gambler while her mother, who was often the designer, did not have the best “taste”. The shop had once gone viral on Tiktok for its “kitchy & tacky designs” and it improved the sales for a while, but it was never sustainable. Penelope had attended the same school as Eloise on a merit-based scholarship which resulted in better opportunities, like attending Cambridge for her bachelor and meeting the Bridgertons, but also in disdain from her two older sisters, Philippa and Prudence. They were both in love-ish and doing fine for themselves: Philippa and her husband were cheesemongers and Prudence was working in HR for a fashion company, where she met her boyfriend.

Penelope’s parents were proud of her, deep, deep, deep down. However, they could not understand why Penelope pursued a Master’s after her bachelor's and they were no longer financially supporting her. 

Lost in her thoughts, she almost missed her bus, but a text from Alfred brought her back to reality. She was meeting with him to go on a date. Pen felt a bit guilty wearing shoes another man bought for her but Colin had said he would not date her to his own brother and they agreed that their arrangement was not a relationship. The shoes were so pretty, however, they made her think of him, which was not good. Because when she thought of him, it was never chaste. 

The past two weeks, after her crisis, he had been the sweetest and they had seen each other quite a lot, but nothing past some hand and back touches had happened. Pen wanted to thank him further but she did not know how to approach it. The touches were always subtle: Colin helping her through the door, giving her things, fixing up her dresses. Subtle but not friendly because they had never done that to this extent. Those touches made her feel so alive, her skin all sensitive, her breath all short. It was as if Colin was enchanted and she was drawn to him by a spell. What made her sad was that these touches, as brief as they were, were way more exciting that everything she had done with Alfred. But Alfred was nice? And he cared about her, she could not let him down. In addition, she did not want Colin to win her over this easily, she was still annoyed by his comment and his carelessness. Surely, she had understood he cared about her but she did not entirely believe it. What if it was pity? Or worse, boredom? Soon he would go back halfway across Europe or even the world and forget all about her.

She had to meet Alfred by the Thames, to go to a new vegetarian restaurant he had found. Pen loved that about him: his care, his passion, his devotion to a cause greater than them. And she liked to taste new food. But deep down she knew that Edwina was right: he was a bit of a bore for her, not because of his passions but more because of his coldness; they did not really match.

When she arrived at the date, Alfred texted her that he would be 10 minutes late because the tube was blocked and she sighed. While waiting she sent out a selfie to Colin. Maybe to make him jealous, maybe to pass the time (it was the first option but Pen did not want to face this ugly truth).

He answered straight away with a Venmo of 50£ and Pen rolled her eyes: not everything had to be transactional between them. She sent him an Instagram dm saying “haha thanks Col’, but dw about always sending money for selfies”. Three dots formed and he soon answered “But you are so pretty.”

She laughed nervously, a pit forming in her lower stomach: it was a mix of anxiety and maybe horniness but she did not really know how to interpret it at this moment. So she said: “Yes but… I am not even partially undressed.”

She blushed; maybe he would take the hint and leave her be for the evening. She wanted to try to enjoy her dinner with Alfred, and she could not be thinking of naked her and naked Colin, preferably together. But no, instead, he sent her another 50£ on Venmo with a note saying “Waiting on the partially undressed one.” 

She blushed even more. “My god,” she thought. “I want to be with him tonight, not Alfie…’.

She hated herself for doing that to Debling, but she did not want to ghost him or to stand him up. She went to the toilets, and undid the zip of her vintage floral dress, letting the top of her breasts out, without the nipple showing. Then she sent it to Colin, avoiding her face being shown in it and blushed again. It was, oh so stupid, how much she was blushing but it was exhilarating. A couple of seconds later, she opened a message from him saying “Can I send you something, a bit… inappropriate?” and she answered with a simple thumbs up, detached style (which she had never once been in her life, but a girl had to try not to combust).

She received a picture of a pair of trackies, clearly belonging to Colin with the outline of an erection visible (and not a small one). Pen lost a bit of her sanity and texted him, “Oh. It is big.” 

Colin replied “Yes, but what really matters is how skilled I am with it.” She gulped at the message.

Before she could type back something, her phone dinged with a message from Alfred: “I am here Pen, where are you?” 

She quickly exited the toilet, putting fresh water on her heated face and meeting him upstairs. The last thing she saw before locking her phone was a text from Colin saying, “And I am, want me to show u?”

The dinner was good, the vegetables were well seasoned, even a bit spicy. Way more spicy and interesting than Alfred and Penelope’s conversation. Alfred was trying, she felt like he was at least, but he was not really asking questions about her and she knew that he was just listening to himself. Plus, she was receiving a lot of notifications and they seemed way more interesting than him. She tried not to open them, to be respectful, but it was extremely distracting.

She first saw a notification from Instagram saying “Pen?” from Colin. Surely because she did not answer his clear invitation to sex which was followed by a “I’m sorry if it went too far, please tell me if I crossed a line.”

Pen excused herself and quickly typed under her napkin, “No, you’re not crossing a line but I am dining with Alfie, talk to u later, ok?” She thought that it was fine, that she could focus on aubergines and penguins, but she could not.

Soon after, maybe it was 5 or 10 minutes she was not sure, Penelope received 100£ on Venmo with a note “but Pen…” She saw it, blushed, but did not answer, trying to focus on Debling’s retellings of a documentary he had seen the previous week. The topic was interesting but not his opinion on it.

15 minutes later, she received another 100£ as well as the confirmation of the purchase of a reformation dress Penelope had seen online, which was not cheap. The dress was extremely beautiful, low cut, with dainty pink flowers. It had been on her wish list for a long time. She was confused. What was Colin doing? Was he trying to get her to leave her date? Was he trying to get her to answer him?

For 5 minutes, she pondered what to do. Maybe she could call him? Or ignore him? Instead, she texted him, “Thanks for the dress Col’, but I am enjoying my date…”. Instead of an answer, she received an email with a Sephora gift card. What was happening? 

Debling seemed annoyed now because Pen was not answering much.

“Pen? Are you interested in what I am saying? You are on your phone a lot…”

“So sorry Alfie… A friend… is, hum, texting me a lot, I’m trying to ignore it, sorry…” she said while putting her phone’s screen toward the table, turning it off in the process.

She smiled and focused back on the conversation with Alfred, taking the lead and speaking of her thesis. Alfred smiled. 

Maybe it was going to be ok? His smile was warmish and his eyes were kind, not every couple has sparkles right? And they were not yet an item, she could explore things. She owed it to herself to give him a chance, to let someone else woo her? It was one of the top answers on Reddit actually, and even a comment from the podcast host: “MOVE ON GIRLIE!” She smiled and almost let out a laugh because surely no one had suggested to try to get Colin to be her sugar daddy.

An hour later, while on her bus back, she opened her phone again and soon after it was flooded by messages. They were mostly from Colin and they went from cheekiness to pure anxiety.There were also a few (sane ones) by Eloise. Pen grew guilty and worried. She just had closed her phone for an hour and had said, she was on a date? What had happened?

Pen opened the dozens of texts from Colin, following his break-down timeline: 

“Pen, sorry for bothering you but come by mine, need to see youuuuuuuuuuu.”

“Pen!!?”

“Okay, I am taking the hint, enjoy your date.”

“Can you just say that you are okay?”

“Pen? Are you okay? Is Debling THAT interesting?”

“Ok, Pen, I am growing worried, you never ignore me like that… Are you having another crisis?”

“Pen? I told Eloise you have been silent for the past hour, please answer her, I am so so so anxious.”

“Okay maybe I overreacted, sorry, enjoy Alfred.”

“But can you swing by mine afterwards?”

“OK, back to worried mode sorry, I just want to be sure you are not having another crisis…”

Then she read Eloise’s texts that were way more reasonable.

“Hey Pen, is the date going ok? Col’s worried because you are not answering!”

“Call me when you get home safe ok?”

Pen’s face fell to the ground. She had just turned her phone for an hour? Why was Colin being so entitled? She had told him that she would tell him if she was not feeling good. He had promised to come with her to her MRI scheduled in a few days and she did not want to think of her potential condition all the damn time. She grew a bit angry. Colin was not entitled to her just because he was financing her life! She was not his! They had agreed on seeing other people, he said it himself that fateful night, “I won’t date Penelope.”.  

This situation made her feel bad about herself, about Debling and she was angry at Colin. Anger made her do something a bit crazy: she got out of the bus and she went in the direction of Colin’s apartment. His apartment was big, in a beautiful brand new building, and it overlooked the city. It was nothing like her little shared place. At least her roommate, Alice, was always at her boyfriend’s.  

Before entering the tube she texted Colin, “I am perfectly fine, you overreacted, I was on a date. I am coming to yours”.

 Soon he answered, “Oh ok. Are you mad?”

Pen sighed, of course she was mad! She then said to Eloise that she was ok and put on some music. Gosh it was going to be a long night. Still angry, she went on reddit, on her new account and wrote.

“R/sugaradvicz

Hi, y’all. Me (23, F) and my best friend C (25, M) have entered a new sexual dynamic. To sum it up, he has become my sugar daddy but we agreed that this is completely open and we can see other people. We have yet done anything sexually as the dynamic is new. We have agreed that it’s not a relationship but he is sending me way too much money and things and when I was on a date he freaked out, sending me dozens of texts, because I turned off my phone for an hour. To be fair, two weeks ago I had a health scare. What should I do? Should I stop this dynamic? I don’t want to, I really like him… Any advice is welcomed”.

When she got out of the tube, the rain decided to act out and unprepared Pen entered Colin’s building completely soaked.

Her sundress was now clinging to her body, transparent, her bra showing through. She looked like a Greek goddess, her curls painted on her body and the dress molding to her curves. She pressed on the button to go up his floor and when the door opened, Colin’s door was opened, a yellow-ish light coming out of the flat. She entered and Colin smiled, then frowned.

She saw that his eyes had drifted to her body, especially to her chest and she blushed. He averted his eyes and spoke first. “Pen… I am so sorry… I, I,I freaked out…”

Pen had prepared a speech but her mind went blank. Instead of telling him off, she just stood there.

“Colin?” she said, faintly.

He said ,“Yes?” coming closer to her. 

Anger had disappeared from her voice and worry replaced it instead. “Do you think that you possess me? Because you pay for some of my things?” 

Colin’s face went white and he stumbled, surely pondering what to say. “I know I don’t possess you Pen… but… I care about you ok? Is it that so bad that I feel like you are partly… mine?”

Pen’s lips opened but no sound came out of them. She was lost.

The only thing she knew was that she wanted to kiss him, right now, in this living room. He was wearing a simple tee-shirt that was clinging to his body and jeans hugging his strong legs. He was so masculine yet there was a softness to him that made Pen’s heart skip a beat. Or maybe it was the stress of the situation.

She closed the gap between them. His eyes were full of anticipation, full of hope.  She briefly looked at his sparkling gaze and touched his hand. And then, without a sound she locked her eyes into his and pressed her lips to his. No words, no notes. Just a kiss, hungry, deeply needed. He moved closer and grabbed her waist while she put her fingers in his hair. It was magical; time had stopped and she felt like she was in a movie. His fingers traced her body and it felt right, like it was what they were supposed to do this whole time, like the world made him for her. He was so tall and she felt small, protected. The kiss ended and she looked at him, proudly. He smiled, like he had made it into heaven. 

She smiled too but she could not just give in to him, reward him for his reaction. So, she patted his arm and she said “Never do that again, ok?” before leaving the apartment, extremely stressed but determined.

“R/sugaradvicz

UPDATE. I went to his place and kissed him. Did I fuck up?” 

Chapter Text

Penelope was wearing a lingerie set, which left little to the imagination and complimented her figure. Colin was going mental just looking at her curves; at how beautiful she looked in his bed, tangled in between his silk bed sheets. The contrast between her red hair and the blue cover made her look like Botticelli’s Venus. Colin had seen it a few years ago at Uffizi gallery in Florence and he had almost shed a tear when his eyes laid upon the masterpiece. Seeing Penelope in this state brought him back to this memory. She was literally a work of art.

Colin’s gaze fixed on her chest; it was the most wonderful sight he had ever seen. Soon he was also on the bed, his long arms exploring her thighs, his fingers digging into her beautiful flesh. His hands rose up on her body, caressing her waist, her belly, the top of her chest, her neck… but not her breasts yet. That would have to be later, otherwise he could not possibly stay sane. She was kissing him, hungrily, with a desire he had never experienced before.

The kiss was so exciting but the experience of seeing her all relaxed, among his expensive bed sheets, with fine luxury lingerie made it even more thrilling. 

It was a reflection of everything he had achieved: he had gifted her what she was wearing and he felt like he could finally protect her, relieve her of all the hardships life had bestowed upon her.

Soon her hands were exploring him, touching his legs, his muscled back and Colin felt proud because she was admiring him as if he was also a masterpiece. His heart fluttered.. TTons of comments, thousands of views on social media did not equate to this,, seeing the woman he adored, admiring him like he was the 8th wonder of the world.

Her fingers approached his manhood and …

That’s when Colin woke up. Alone, asleep on his couch right by where Penelope was standing in his apartment after his freak out. It was 3 a.m. and Colin decided to finally move to his bed, guilt creeping up in his chest after he realized what had happened last night. Colin did not know why he had reacted the way he did, it was like witnessing a doppelganger, #jealouscolin had replaced him. Back in his bed, he could not sleep.

Since he got back from Norway, Colin would creep on Debling’s story daily. Last night, he saw red hair out of the corner of a shot of a table by the Thames and he absolutely lost his mind. It felt too official, too real that Pen, his Pen, was going on a date with another man. At a fancy restaurant, something she should be doing with him , not Debling. Debling was supposed to take her around Hyde Park or the museum, not to fancy places like this.

At first he wanted to get her attention. He wanted their flirty conversation to continue and he was annoyed that she was not with him in person. He knew she was not his, but wasn’t she, just a bit?

Afterwards, he just lost the plot completely, overwhelmed with jealousy and wanting to show her who could really provide for her, who was the one worth spending time with, who truly adored her. Colin was beginning to think that maybe he had some feelings for her, like real romantic feelings.

Gifting her things was such an intense boost of happiness (and sometimes, horniness). Seeing her face smile, her eyes sparkling with glee like it was Christmas; it was the best feeling in the world, or the second best, right after kissing her. He could barely comprehend kissing her–it was way too intense, too deep, too intimate. Pure hearts glowing in the dark kind of feeling. Pure ‘ I would move mountains to have the opportunity to feel it again’ kind of feeling. 

Colin had gone half mad when Penelope did not answer her phone, especially after they had exchanged their first nudes. He had gone back to them way too much and the sight of her cleavage truly finished him. They were everything he imagined and even more. The sight was not that different from when he saw her in a bathing suit during summer vacations but the fact that Penelope took time and care to address the picture to him , made it special and way more exciting. 

Colin knew he was a bit chaotic, but this night turned him into some sort of horny monster.

At one point he grew worried, seeing flashes of that evening in his mind, with Pen curled up on the floor, all defenceless. A part of him wanted to save her. And that night, he was not able to. He felt guilty about freaking her out because he did not want to lose her, not like that. Not because he cared too much about her.

Recalling all of that, the following morning, with neck pain and a bad coffee, he felt ashamed. That’s when he decided to give her space. Colin did not know whether he should stop contacting her at all or just for a short while. Her last words “never do that again,” made him crawl inside of himself, feeling like a bug, like he had hurt her deeply. And he knew he did.  

He followed her words for a week and did not contact her. It was painful but he needed to rectify his wrongs and to let her breathe. He wanted to redeem himself, show her that he could be trusted. Nevertheless it was awful. He was glued to his phone, waiting for her to update her story or send him a reel so that he could interact with her. He was also extremely distracted at work.

The first day was awful (and he was bored) so he messaged Amira back (finally, she had sent him a message the night he flew back from Oslo), flirting extremely obviously with her. He should forget Penelope. What was better than an Instagram model for that? Maybe he could have a fling, have sex and stop having fantasies about Pen.

He even decided to go on a date with her. He did the whole shebang–some flowers, a fancy restaurant–but the conversation was flat and one-sided. He simply did not care about Amira, which was sad as she seemed to be a wonderful person with great values. She liked her family a lot and she cared about health, the environment and microplastics. She had opinions about so many things he had no idea were even problems and she was honestly extremely well-spoken. Maybe in another life she could have been the one? During the date, he could not think about anything else besides Pen. Amira noticed it and her tone was getting more and more annoyed as the exchange went on. 

“So, yes, you should look at the composition of plastic when you buy something, not all is recyclable, which is such a bad thing!”

Colin nodded, humming a faint yes in the process. He knew recycling was important, but right this instant, he did not care very much. Pen had just posted a photo on her story and she looked amazing.

“Oh, I did not know that…” Colin said, refreshing Instagram again.

Amira flinched and scrunched her eyebrows. “You know Colin, you are checking your phone a lot, if you don’t want to be here, you can leave.”

“Oh, I am sorry, I’m distracted, sorry… The date is going well, please excuse my behaviour… You’re pretty, you know that?”

Amira laughed. “The date is going well? Are you serious? I’ve been monologuing for the past hour and you are barely looking at me! Are you one of those fuckboy influencers? Just because we worked together, you bought me flowers and I pose in my underwear does not mean you can sleep with me!”

Colin exclaimed, panicked a bit, “Oh no! Please, I think you’re nice, I don’t expect sex at all… I’m not a fuckboy!”

Amira stood up. “If you are not, don’t act like one! We barely talked and out of nowhere for a week you’ve been so flirty and now, at the actual date, you’re so distracted… I have self-respect and you are clearly going through something. Let’s stay pals and don’t ever flirt with me again,” she said before leaving the restaurant.

Colin sat there, the flowers on the table and his ego at his feet.

The following day, his head was empty and he felt so tired; he was barely able to concentrate at work and people were noticing.

“Colin?” Anthony had said entering his office, with his tight shirt all buttoned up while Colin was wearing a designer hoodie.

“Yes Ant, I’ll get you Corfu’s post-analytics tomorrow morning, no need to ask again,” he said, annoyed, almost rolling his eyes.

“I don’t care about the Corfu’s post analytics, we need to talk, come by my office in 10, be presentable.”

Colin straightened, his eyes wide. Was Anthony mad at him? Was there a problem he caused?

The next 9 minutes were very painful and Colin felt like he was back at uni before big presentations. His bullshit nepo baby job was not supposed to make him feel like this, all stressed out. Colin entered the room, the door creaking.

Anthony was by his desk, a picture of Kate wearing a yellow saree sitting royally in the middle of the otherwise almost empty space.

“Colin… I am, how to put it, a bit worried…” Anthony said, locking his eyes with Colin’s.

Colin blinked. His job was part-time and his annual goals were met in three months. What could Anthony be worried about? Was there a money problem? Did they have to cut staff? Did he make a big mistake? 

Anthony inhaled, toying with his pen nervously. 

“I don’t think you’re taking this job seriously… but…” he made a pause before he exhaled, “I am more worried about you. For the last two months, you’ve been moping around here. You were doing better for a while and now you’re back at it again. Are you ok? Did someone break your heart?”

Colin sighed. He did not want to tell everything to his older brother. He did not want to confess that he was a horny mess falling in love with his sugar baby who happened to be Penelope, his childhood best friend and the girl he humiliated on the internet. So instead, he said, “Kind of… I’m…”

Anthony waited thirty seconds before he shook his head, looking him in the eyes with a confused stare.

“You are…?”

“Do you promise to keep it a secret?"

Anthony nodded.

“So… I… have a crush on Penelope and… it’s complicated because we are not dating but kind of…?”

Anthony smiled wide with a hint of confusion hiding behind his excited eyes. “Finally!”

Colin shook his head. Finally, what ? Ben was not just joking that night? His siblings knew of his affections?

“Finally? You knew…?”

“Of course, I knew, you eat her alive with your eyes every time she’s around! It’s been like that for at least ten years! What do you mean you are dating her but not really?”

“I’m her sugar daddy.”

Colin surprised himself by being this truthful. Anthony’s face looked like Winona Ryder’s in that very known meme and Colin almost let out a laugh, albeit a nervous one.

“I beg your finest pardon?”

“I give her money and I treat her… but it’s not, hmm, weird or anything, I assure you, it’s very consensual and … we have not…”

“Spare me the details, Pen is like a little sister to me. God, Colin! Why are you being her sugar daddy? Couldn’t you just be her boyfriend? I am like 99% sure she likes you too!”

Colin looked at the floor, guiltily. “I know she likes me, I found her Reddit account…”

“Colin Bridgerton!”

“It’s just… I don’t know, what if I am not ready? Especially after Marina?”

Anthony looked at him, almost fondly. He got up and touched his elbow. “Colin… Marina happened three years ago… I am sure that you are ready! At least, please respect her and please do not toy with her feelings…”

“Anthony, I am an ethical sugar daddy, who do you think I am?” He let out a laugh “I think she likes it… she even said I was treating her too much… it's just… easier like that, we are not tied to each other. Plus she likes Debling, so…” He sat down on the chair, squeezing the velvety material of the armrest to reassure himself.

“This Alfred guy? You’re sure? Eloise is not a big fan of him, you have your chances…”

Colin rolled his eyes and nodded a slight no before he smiled and said, “It’s great to tell someone.”

“And why are you all sad then, if you are spending more time with Penelope? She always makes you happy.”

Colin sighed again looking at his shoes. “I… I freaked out when she was on a date and I’m giving her space, respecting our agreement…”

“That’s good. Give her space. But ultimately, you should talk to her, clarify this thing to avoid future inconveniences that make you distracted at work…” 

Colin smiled slightly, rolling his eyes. 

Anthony coughed a bit before continuing, “You know. If you use Reddit… You should check R/sugaradvicz… It’s, umm, what I used to use and the community is umm… dependable?”

Colin’s face turned into a giant grin. “Anthony Bridgerton! You minx! And you are all judgy of me!”

Anthony rolled his eyes. “I am not judging, I get why it’s nice to have a sugar baby, it’s a very powerful feeling but… you should refrain from falling in love… And I don’t think you can.”

After work, that evening, Colin took Anthony’s advice and opened Reddit once more to check on this forum. There were not that many posts and comments and Colin did not want to stumble upon one of Ant’s old posts. But still, he was two hours away from a drink with Fife and he was bored, not being able to contact Penelope.

Sitting comfortably on his couch, he scrolled the forum reading messages upon messages. It was interesting, but he felt like some of the guys were a bit sleazy and he did not really recognize his and Pen’s dynamic.

Until one post:

“R/sugaradvicz

Hi, y’all. Me (23, F) and my best friend C (25, M) have entered a new sexual dynamic. To sum it up, he has become my sugar daddy but we agreed that this is completely open and we can see other people. We haven't yet done anything sexually as the dynamic is new. We have agreed that it’s not a relationship but he is sending me way too much money and things. Also, when I was on a date he freaked out, sending me dozens of texts, because I turned off my phone for an hour. To be fair, two weeks ago I had a health scare. What should I do? Should I stop this dynamic? I don’t want to, I really like him… Any advice is welcomed

UPDATE. I went to his place and kissed him. Did I fuck up?” 

Colin gasped. It was Penelope!! He had found her account once again. First, he closed his phone, getting up to drink some water. But curiosity got the best of him and he opened the thread again.

“@ladyredpen, please give it some time, it’s new, he is not used to the dynamic maybe. I think he’s a bit too possessive, but he’s maybe just excited. It’s his first time?”

“@ladyredpen, GURL! RUN! He is love-bombing you”

“@ladyredpen, GIFTS and no favors in return, are you in heaven? You did not fuck up I assure you by kissing him! He’s just a bit jealous, it’ll get better with time.”

“@ladyredpen, you did not fuck up but it’s looking more like a regular couple than a sugary-relationship. Maybe you should reconsider whether you want to date him or not…”

“@ladyredpen, you should TALK. TALK. TALK. OPEN HEART SHIT AND ALL”.

There was one answer from the account that said, “@pinkpromise, I know I should talk to him but he is avoiding me and I don’t know how to reach him…”

His blood boiled, this game of cat and mouse was over, fuck giving her space, fuck trying to date Amira, he needed to be with her.

So Colin cancelled his plans with Fife and sent a text to Penelope. “Please come by my apartment, we need to talk.”

Penelope arrived almost an hour later. 

“I should really rent her an apartment closer to here,” Colin grumbled to himself.

She was magnificent when she stepped into his living room. She was wearing a blue dress highlighting all of her best features and she had her hair down, cascading down her shoulders. She had a slight frown on her face again and Colin felt so bad for ruining her perfect face.

She settled on the couch after a polite hello and Colin spoke first. “Do you mind if we go to the building’s spa? I think we need to talk, but we should do it in a nice setting.”

Penelope let out a little laugh. “Oh wow! You keep on surprising me. But I don’t have a bathing suit…”

Colin smiled. “It’s okay, I bought you one”. It was a nice two-piece yellow set he had found two weeks ago and had not gifted to her yet.

Pen rolled her eyes, amused. “Of course!”

They changed out of their clothes and put on robes. The ride on the elevator to the spa, which was on the top floor, was weird. They could not really look at each other. 

And Colin was only thinking about kissing her again when he knew he should be rehearsing what to say to her.

In the spa, they headed for the jacuzzi where two glasses of champagne were waiting for them. He had thought of everything. In the hour since he decided to contact her again, he had planned the perfect date. He would confess his feelings for her tonight in the jacuzzi, the one that was overlooking the city. 

Maybe they could rework their arrangement and date? For real?

Pen was apprehensive. It showed on her face, but when she entered the water, letting the robe go in the process, her smile grew back. The bathing suit was fitting her perfectly (Colin certainly had an eye for bra sizes) and she shone in London’s lights.

“Penelope… I think… I am sorry.”

Pen tilted her head. 

“I know Colin, thank you for letting me breathe but… can we go back to talking to each other. I’ve missed you,” she said, smiling slightly.

“Pen, I am glad you are not mad at me… but let me say sorry properly, by talking and not throwing a weird grand gesture,” he said while in the jacuzzi . “I’m… sorry for everything.” 

He played with the water a bit, taking a sip of champagne. “I… went in too strong… It’s just, I was feeling very bad for the Reddit post and the podcast, and I freaked out about Debling.”

“I know Colin, but… this is not a relationship.”

“I know… I tried going on a date with Amira.” Colin saw her blush and frown. “It was not great… Pen… I… think… we should… be…”

Someone entered the spa, stopping their conversation. The man, a 45 year-old in a robe, quickly said sorry and closed the door again but Colin felt he had lost his momentum.

For the next few minutes, silence filled the room. They were sitting quite close and the tension was high. But Colin broke it, changing strategies. 

“Pen… I went to Reddit to look for advice and … I found this forum called sugaradvicz…”

Pen gasped. “You saw my post! Colin! Are you stalking me? Is that why you contacted me again?” she almost shouted.

Colin shook his head confused. “No, no, no I did not. I was looking for opinions, because I think I went too far… I saw it by mistake I swear.”

She repositioned herself in the water nodding in agreement, like she believed him. She was now closer to him and loosened her previously crossed arms. God, it was a mistake to decide to talk in the spa, he could not concentrate.

“Colin. I think we should go back to square 1 and rediscuss what we want from this.” She got closer to him. “I think that you feel sorry for me, for what happened with the post and the podcast. Maybe that’s why you’ve been doing so much but if you went into this out of guilt, we can stop.”

“I don’t want to stop Pen. I want you. That’s why I’ve been so crazy,” Colin replied. 

“Are you sure?” Pen asked him in astonishment, opening her eyes wide with a glimmer of joy.

“Do you want me?” Colin asked.

“I do!” she said before laughing a little. “You know that, you’ve read my post! I just don’t want to settle. I have too much on my plate and this was supposed to be easy and now it’s not. Thank you for giving me space. Can we go back to it being easy and fun and, can you please stop going on Reddit?”

Colin laughed and got closer to her. He trailed her arms with his fingers. “I can be easy, I promise.”

Her skin was filled with goosebumps and he touched her thigh now. “I know you can do that…”

“Penelope, can we stop talking and just kiss?” he said before moving a strand of her hair out of her face.

She smiled and kissed him. Fireworks exploded in the background and it was so nice and soft, like he was home. Kissing Penelope felt like returning to your flat at the end of a long day, a fresh meal waiting for you. It felt like settling in freshly washed and dried bed sheets. It felt like eating a perfectly ripe nectarine in the summer, all sweet and comforting. She had the softest skin and the sweetest taste to her and it was so easy to kiss her, like they were made for each other. He grabbed her and she sat on his lap, her skin touching what was already hardening. It was as if the scene was out of a rom-com. The city, the champagne, the water. And her , the woman he liked. It was okay if she wanted things to be easy, he could wait for her. He could wait to confess. Kissing her was enough. Kissing her was everything.

The conversation resumed at one point but it was friendly and fun. Like before, their conflict was finally settled.

“So Rae is going to Japan this summer! I am so jealous! She will love it. You’ve been to Japan right?”

He smirked. “Yes, I’ve been.” He touched her arm again, tasting all of its silkiness with his fingers. “It’s wonderful… It’s in my top 5!”

Pen laughed. “Which Top 5?”

“Top 5 countries we should rediscover together!” 

Pen blushed and Colin continued. 

“You know, as my sugar baby… I expect you to follow me sometimes… I can pay for everything so that my sweetling can rest…”

Pen smirked. “So that I am all ready for you when you come home from your hard, hard, hard day?”

 Colin gulped. She touched his thigh, close to where he wanted, but not close enough to release some of the tension.

“I can wait for you in my expensive lingerie, which you bought me… and say thank you for everything… properly.”

Colin buried his face in her neck kissing it passionately. “Please Pen, thank me now…” She moved her hand down, playing with the string of his bathing suit.

But Pen and Colin were not lucky and the 45-year-old guy from earlier re-entered the room with a loud bang, the door crashing on the wall.

“Excuse me please… It’s my time now, I booked the jacuzzi for 9 pm.”

Colin looked at his phone. It was 9:02 pm. What a bummer.

But what really broke his heart was the gmail notification he just received.

From [email protected]

Subject: URGENT: brand trip in AMALFI

Colin, it’s urgent!

I need you to take the plane to Naples TONIGHT to promote the launch of our latest camera in Italy… The influencer that was coming on the trip we planned has Covid and can’t travel. It’s a three week trip along the Amalfi coast. Everything is prepared… I want you to step in, please.

Thanks in advance,

My best regards,

Anthony Bridgerton.

PS: Emily will send you all of the travel information”.

Was life trying to sabotage him? 

Chapter Text

The pharmacist had told her it would sound like the beach. 

The experience would be long and it would be normal if she was anxious, but it would sound like waves if she closed her eyes. 

Now that Pen was in the middle of the machine surrounded by white round walls, she could not follow through with the advice and she kept her eyes open, being too afraid to close them. 

At one point the machine moved and she almost let out a squeal. “ Do not move Pen, damnit, ” she whispered to herself. They had told her to stay as still as possible. 

The light inside of the MRI machine was blinding her, and after 10 minutes, she finally followed the pharmacist's advice. Now that she was in the dark, the buzz did not resemble an “afternoon strolling on the beach” at all. She thought that it sounded like techno music at the club, especially the pulsation noise. She imagined El, Rae and Edwina dancing with her, just like they did quite a bit in their bachelor. Their imagined smiles made the experience bearable. She was not alone now. 

The wait for the appointment had been quite lonely on the contrary. It had been long and so clinical. She arrived a bit early and filled in some paperwork, the anticipation of the exam making her all jittery.  She also had to take off all of her jewellery, even her grandmother’s ring that she would always wear on her middle finger. She had felt so naked and vulnerable in her paper gown with only her socks on waiting for the MRI technician and the nurse by the door of the room. There were so many warning signs, she thought that she was entering a sort of war zone. 

She had felt so alone on this journey. She had not confided in the girls about her health issues, she did not want to scare them. Only Colin really knew, the other having heard that “ my periods are not so fun haha! ”

Ah. Colin. She almost flinched in the tube thinking about him. 

Colin was supposed to come with her to the appointment but two days ago he had departed for a job, following one of his brother’s urgent requests. To his credit, Colin had asked if it was okay that he left for Italy and she lied, saying yes. He had said that she could come but Pen declined because she still had a couple of weeks left of her internship. Colin had not pushed more but looked defeated.

She wanted to scream “Take me with you.” She wanted to plead with him to stay with her. She wanted to let him know that she was terrified because she would finally know whether it was all in her head or not. Her gynecologist had warned her that the MRI was not perfect and that if they could not find some signs of endometriosis today it did not mean that she invented it all, but still, she feared that she was an imposter.

Weirdly, after a while, the sound of the machine became almost relaxing. She did not feel alone anymore, thinking about how her friends had always been there for her and how they surely would be there for her if she just confided in them. 

Colin Bridgerton should not be the sole possessor of her deepest secrets. He never should be the center of her world, especially, as he could leave as fast as he entered it. She should never have to plead with someone to take her away. She had agency over her life. She needed to have agency over her life. 

She needed to confide in her friends. She needed to tell them everything. When she exited the white tube, she was determined: she would tell them about her periods, about Colin, about her internship and about feeling extremely overwhelmed. 

Once she was back in her clothes, in the waiting room, it felt way too real to have done what she just has done. In less than an hour she would know. And she needed people to know as well, to make it real. She texted the groupchat, feeling rather anxious.

Coolgurls Groupchat  

Penelope_F:  Hello guys. I need to tell you so much stuff. I’ve avoided sharing my problems for a while now and I promised to Eloise that I would be more truthful to all of you. I need to confide in you about so many things and notably about my health problems. Can we see each other tonight ? At my place? 

She almost teared up. She wanted to spell it all out, but she could not find the strength. She needed their lovely faces in front of her; Edwina’s beautiful smile, Rae’s kind words and Eloise’s brightness. 

It was so hard when you’ve felt invisible, unable to take up space, to have the spotlight on you.

It was hot in the waiting room and her heart was pounding. She did not know what they would find. A small part of her feared for something more dramatic than endometriosis. What if it was cancer? What if all of her organs were touched? Maybe she even had PCOS? 

Her heart was beating in her ears and she felt quite hot. 

She wanted Colin there. He had promised. She knew that it was not his fault, that he did not plan to leave her alone in this waiting room. She knew that he must not be the center of her universe but she wanted him there. And he had not even texted her. However, soon she was not alone because Eloise called her. 

“Pen where are you?” she said in a strained tone. 

“I am at the clinic”. 

“Where?” 

“At the UCLH Endometriosis Centre”

“What? Why?”

“I am being diagnosed with endometriosis, I’ve had awful period pains for the last 8 months”

“I’m coming, taking a cab.” 

It was the middle of a random Tuesday afternoon and she knew Eloise was working. She was a policy officer for Oxfam and Pen understood that her job was her whole life, so it meant everything that she would just drop everything for her.

When Eloise entered the waiting room, only 20 minutes later, Pen let out a tear and settled in between her friend’s arms. She felt loved right there. She hugged El for at least five minutes while Eloise was assuring her that everything would be ok. 

“I am so sorry I did not tell you anything El. I did not want to scare anybody about my flare ups and my pain,” Penelope said, while Eloise was settling in the seat beside her. 

She looked at the stained ceiling of the waiting room, trying not to show too much of her emotions. 

“Pen you need to get something; I am way more worried when you don’t share things with me. I felt like something was wrong with your health, I didn't know how to bring it up… You need to tell me things ok? Friends are here for that, for sharing. Life’s too hard when we deal with it on our own. I am sorry if you’ve ever felt you could not confide in me, but you always can! I love you like a sister Pen, even more than a sister. I can’t describe what it is to have you in my life. You’re one of my pillars ok? One of my inside out islands; there is feminism, books, complaining, making fun of my siblings and Pen.”

Pen smiled at her. It was the loveliest thing someone had ever said to her. 

“Thank you El. You’re one of my inside out islands too,” she said with sparkly eyes. 

They waited another ten minutes before the nurse finally took them to the doctor’s office. El asked  “Can I come with her?”. The nurse nodded and they entered the crowded office. The lighting was quite bad and the doctor, a 60 year-old dark-haired man with tiny glasses, smiled faintly at her. 

“So, Miss Featherington is it?”

“Yes, Penelope Featherington.”

“What’s your date of birth?”

“8th of April, 2002.”

He looked down at her MRI print, not even looking her in the eyes.

“So, Miss, it’s not concerning. You have a 15 mm endometrioma on your right ovary and some endometriosis tissue on the left uterosacral ligament, everything is written on this report. You can see the tissue here and here,” he said while pointing at red dots. 

The words buzzed in Pen’s ears. What did uterosacral mean? The red zones were quite small, how could something of this ridiculous size make her feel so bad?  

“Is this what is causing me pain?” she said, holding back tears. 

“Yes Miss. You have endometriosis. You can confirm it with a laparoscopy, which is an invasive surgery that I don’t think is necessary in your case. You should see your gynecologist. I’m sorry I said I'm not concerned, I’m just…” 

He took off his glasses and rubbed his forehead with both of his hands, leaning forward on the table. 

“It’s not life threatening, that’s what I meant.” 

Pen smiled, she knew that it was benign, that’s what every website about endo was saying. But still the words formed a loop in her ears “ endometriosis tissue ”, “ endometrioma ”, “ uterosacral .”

El hugged her so tightly she could not even breathe and Pen smiled at her before exiting the building. 

The doctor had just said that it was not concerning. Then why did she want to cry? Why did she feel like she got a pain sentence; her period would never be normal again? She would have to be on meds, most of her life? On hormonal birth control? 

Pen wanted to call her mom. Even if she did not feel like she would understand. She wanted to be her little girl, all cuddled up on the couch, a dumb tv show in the background with her stroking her hair. 

She looked up to El and smiled. “It’s going to be ok. It’s… I’m sure now that I have this! I know and that’s beautiful.” 

But soon her smile turned into tears without her even realizing. She began crying heavily. She let out months of tears. She did not know why she was crying so much. But it was like the Niagara falls on her face. The pain was finally materializing and she could not stop. 

Eloise, who had never been the most comfortable with tears, was perfect. She said nothing and just let her weep. When Pen was all empty and all dry, El smiled. “Let’s go buy overpriced pink lemonade shall we?” 

Love was to be known and this was Pen’s favorite drink. 

While waiting in the little shop, Pen looked at her phone and saw that Colin had sent her an instagram reel as well as an email, surely a confirmation order of something she might have mentioned. She clicked on the notification; it was an order from Sézane, a brand that she liked but thought was overpriced. It was a lovely dress with colorful little flowers all over it. She had mentioned this particular style and this brand once or twice before and her heart skipped a beat: he knew her too. He was still here, he was still treating her. She emailed a thank you back. 

A part of her was sad that he had not called, that he had not bothered to ask if she was ok. Maybe he forgot the date? Maybe the dress was a form of encouragement? 

But right now she needed another form of affection, she needed to be surrounded. And if he had chosen to go to Italy rather than to be with her, then she had her girls.

There was a strange dread inside of her; she felt as though a part of her femininity was attacked and she needed something to feel closer to it. Penelope had always been quite feminine. She liked dainty things, flowers and pink. She liked makeup and her friends. Gossip and soft activities. She did not think that she was less of a feminist because of that as she believed that femininity and everything that was related to it should not be seen as less-than.

El had organised a get together at Pen’s and invited their core group of friends. El and Pen had met in year 7. When they entered their year 12, after their GCSE, they met Edwina who quickly joined their duo. Later, Pen worked with Rae on a project in university and soon they all clicked and the “going out Fridays” were born. They would see each other for at least an hour, whatever the circumstance. This past year, however, as they each began to work or pursued their masters it became more spotty. 

But here they were all in her living room, sharing drinks and secrets. It made Pen smile profusely. Eloise was joking around, Eddie was recounting her last thrift haul with pictures and Rae was listening closely, helping El with her hair. It was magical, girlhood incarnated. 

Edwina turned to Pen. “So Pen? What is happening? You scared me to death with your text!”

Rae chimed in, “Absolutely, I had a date tonight with Jean, but cancelled the second you sent it.” 

El looked Pen in the eyes as if she knew already. However, she did not know everything, she barely uncovered the surface of it all. 

“Hmmm… I need to begin with telling you how I went viral.”

Rae and Edwina looked at her with a concerned face while El was trying not to laugh. To her credit, this story was indeed quite funny. 

“So basically I overheard Colin say that he would never date me to Ben and I talked about it on reddit, then it got featured on Two Hot Takes and it went quite viral…”

Eloise interrupted her, “Pen, you need to tell everything from the actual beginning.

Pen blushed; it was a crimson, maybe almost a burgundy colour. “I’ve had a crush on Colin since I was 12.” 

Rae and Edwina let out a gasp at the same time, only differing in their intensity and tone, as Edwina’s voice was more high-pitched. 

“And now, I am so sorry Eloise, I did not tell you something…”

Eloise looked at her so confused, like she was a lost little puppy (but not a cute puppy, like a war dog puppy). 

“After his comment and the viral video, we… umm…. Colin found my reddit account and he read some comments where I admitted having a crush on him and that… I… wanted a sugar daddy…”

El’s eyes got so big, Pen thought she looked like a manga character. 

“Pen, don’t tell me…” 

Edwina squealed. “Is Colin your sugar daddy???” 

Penelope let out a laugh. It was surreal. How could they have guessed? 

“Yes, he is my sugar daddy… But it’s ethical! I swear!”

Rae exclaimed, “What about Alfred?”

Pen said, “We are not exclusive… And Colin left for Italy…” 

Eloise looked stunned. “I can’t believe you’re my brother's sugar baby, my god, that’s…” 

Pen sought to clarify, “El… I needed the money… And I like him… He treats me well…”

“I don’t want to think about how he treats you, ew, aaaaaah my mind is filled with dirty things now!” Eloise exclaimed, making a disgusted face. 

Edwina laughed. “El, you’ve got a dirty mind… Treating is like gifts and stuff…I’m glad Colin is being a good guy with you, even though saying that he would never be your boyfriend was so stupid. God, men are dumb!”

“Why didn’t he call you today? The little shit! Pen tell the rest!” Eloise said with a lot of strength in her voice. 

Pen looked at Rae and Edwina, her face looking more white than usual. “I got diagnosed with endometriosis today.” 

Rae exploded softly, “Oh my poor Pen! I’m here if you ever need to talk about these kinds of problems you know? But, what the hell, he did not call you?”

Pen answered, “I don’t know, he bought me a new dress.” 

Edwina smiled. “That’s good, but did he not say anything else? You’re sure? Did he know you were supposed to go to the doctor today?” 

Pen nodded. “He was supposed to come with me, he found me once when I was in the middle of a flare up, and he has been so supportive, so I’m confused…” 

“He said nothing?” Rae asked, still looking a bit angry.

“He sent me a reel that I have not watched”

“Please, watch it!!” Edwina called.

Pen rolled her eyes a bit and took out her phone. There were not a lot of notifications, a couple Vinted likes that have been sold and a message from a girl from uni that wanted to grab a drink. 

She clicked on Colin’s convo and the reel appeared: it was two otters hugging each other, how cute. But what she had not seen is that Colin sent out a very long message before that, that she must have missed. 

ColinnnnB: 

Hello Pen. I know today is hard for you. I am so sorry to not be able to be there. It’s complicated for me to be all these kilometers away, knowing you are suffering. Know that I am there with you through thoughts. 

Please call me as soon as you can. I’ll wait for this call all day and drop everything. I know you want to be alone sometimes to process stuff so I won’t bother you unless you want to be bothered. 

I wish you were here with me in Italy. I wish you could just drop everything to come with me. I would pay for everything. Sending you the biggest hugs and the most positive thoughts. 

Pen read the message out loud and all the girls got close to her, hugging her.

Eloise rolled her eyes. “He is a cutie Pen… You should definitely call him… but still can’t deal with the fact that he is a sugar daddy, what a dog!”

Edwina gave her a little slap on the arm. “El!! I think that he likes you, Pen. More than a sugar daddy does. I’ve always thought he liked you. He did not forget you, you see?”

Rae added  “Call to update him on everything, we can leave if you need!”

Pen smiled. “I don’t need him right now, I have you guys”. 

The week after the diagnosis was very emotional and Penelope was sad that Colin was still not here. Her master’s program had just ended, she had finished her thesis and this summer, she would finally have her last graduation. Her life felt a bit empty even if the gynecologist appointment took quite a lot of her time and mental space. Plus, she saw the girls once more and the four of them promised to reinstate “going out fridays”. London was beautiful in June and she liked having more time (and more money) to visit this city with fresh, touristy eyes. But, it was hard, so hard to be completely happy right now.

Her life was looking like a mess from afar. Her boss at her internship told her that they wouldn't have the budget to extend her contract beyond next week as was originally planned and she felt like she was floating with no professional prospects in sight and a deep, tired feeling she could not really shake. 

This year had been so hard, so complicated, so much work and now it was all going to be over. 

She’d have nothing to do except worry all the time about her future, which sounded so dreadful. 

She had called Colin the day following her diagnosis, and she had cried with him for a while, but most of her tears had already been healed thanks to her friends. 

Pen and Colin were talking a lot these days, and Colin was particularly flirty. Their last convo in the hot tub had never really finished and it transpired; there was a sort of frustration, a sort of mutual understanding that they needed to share more. He was still in Italy, trying to save BLC’s publicity campaign, so it was not so easy. 

Tonight they had scheduled a call, to catch up, Penelope wanting to know more about his experience there. She also wanted to thank him for all the things he had once again gifted her in just a little over a week of not seeing each other. It was as if he was trying to make it known that he was still present. 

He had first gifted her an all inclusive spa annual membership, sent to her during the call where she updated him about her health. This had surely been the most expensive thing he spent money on (maybe besides her rent), and it was the best thing he could have done (except maybe come back?). She had been there everyday and she was now much more relaxed, at least physically. 

She wanted to thank him properly but she settled for bikini pictures. She would sneak her phone with her in the jacuzzi and find an angle where Colin would see (almost) everything, her bikini top covering less and less of her skin with each photo. It was driving Colin bonkers and she knew it because she was receiving little gifts every time she hit send. It was more mindful, less flashy, not direct money. He had shared with her a google doc with the purpose to write everything that she ever wished for. He encouraged her to update it and Pen found it cuter than the direct deposits: she had agency and he was not wasting his money. 

She was sitting on her bed in her tiny apartment. Her roommate, Alice, was once again at her boyfriend’s. She thought that it was quite good, she would be able to speak as loud as she wanted. Her dirty mind thought that she could also moan as loud as she wanted if the opportunity arose. 

Pen was horny. 

The gifts, the couple of pictures Colin had sent her and the lack of chemistry with Alfred made her feel all pent up. She needed for something to happen. She wanted Colin so much. Her mind would drift so often to his lips, his thighs, his hands on her back. 

She had decided to wear the Sézane dress he bought her which highlighted divinely all of her curves and especially her chest. She knew that he had picked this design for this purpose so she decided to take off her bra. The low-cut was indecent like this and Pen beamed with pride. Her femininity was maybe attacked but not everywhere. 

He called her precisely on time and she picked up, angling the phone so that he would have the best show. 

“Hello, Colin!” she greeted him. 

He was wearing a nice shirt which was open on the top. She could see the beginning of his chest hair and the outline of his pectoral muscles, the effect of which she felt immediately in her tummy. 

“Good evening Pen! How are you? Was your internship good today?”

Pen frowned; it had been quite shitty actually. “No… My boss confirmed that they can’t extend it. He said that it had nothing to do with my skills however. He promised to write me a glowing letter of recommendation but I feel so defeated.”

“That’s so shitty, Pen! They had hinted so heavily at you being employed there, or at least working till the end of the summer…”

“Yeah, I continued working there even when my year was so hard because I thought that it would guarantee a bit of stability but, guess what? I was wrong,” she said, ending with a sing-songy voice. 

“Please, they are the one in the wrong!”

“Anyway,” Pen said, resettling in her bed, a bit of her nipple showing on camera. “How is Italy?”

“It’s very lovely! I’ve been here before so I'm rediscovering it with another eye. I’m working quite a bit right now to coordinate with the Italian team. I am in Napoli and we filmed the first part in Positano yesterday, it was extremely beautiful!”

“Have you seen beautiful italian women?” Penelope said, smirking to hide how cringy she felt. 

“Not really. I really love this region however, every time I go I discover something new! I’ve been a bit naughty though and I bought you quite a lot of things since I’ve arrived. They are all surprises, don’t even think about guessing!”

Pen smiled. He had avoided her jealous comment. Indeed, she had been quite addicted to stalking his instagram page and she had seen one or two beautiful girls, surely from the italian BLC team and they were extremely pretty, all tanned and lean. Exactly how she imagined Colin’s type to be. 

“Haha, I won’t try then! Is the BLC team nice? Have you met new faces?” 

“Penelope…” Colin said grinning. “Are you jealous of Anna and Fabiola?” 

“Who? No, I was just making conversation! We haven't talked about you in a while now!” 

“Anna and Fabiola from the communication team? The social media manager and head of influence? The ones in my story?”

“Ahhh, yes, them! They are pretty now that you think of it…”

“Penelope Featherington, stop being so jealous, you look like me now!” Colin teased. 

She rolled her eyes. “I can’t be jealous, we are not exclusive.” 

Colin smirked. “So you would not mind me going on a date with another girl?” 

Penelope fake-laughed. “No I would not mind… However, I have one condition.”

Colin looked at her inquisitively. “What’s your condition?”

“They must have better breasts than me.” 

“That’s not possible, Pen. You have the best ones I’ve ever seen.” 

She blushed. “Do you want to see them? To thank you for all of your wonderful gifts?” 

Colin gulped and she saw him twiddling with the button of his pants. “I want to, all the time. Are you sure you're ok with that?” 

“I am. You deserve it. You’ve been so good to me lately… I love the spa so much and I teased you enough.”

Penelope opened the top button of the dress, revealing that she was wearing nothing under it. Colin was extremely silent on the other side. She did not know if he liked actually seeing them. She almost panicked but soon he tilted the phone to show the outline of his hardened manhood. She blushed, feeling herself getting hornier by the second.

“You like it?”

“Yes I adore it, Pen, my only regret is being so far away.” 

“You can always come back, you could play with them you know… I am quite reactive…”

Colin groaned. “Penelope… stop being such a tease…”

“I am not a tease… Did you know that my thighs are even more reactive?”

“Can I touch myself, please? I really want to touch myself to these visuals, you flirt.” 

Pen grinned. She had won. “Absolutely! I’ll do the same.”

She lost herself to her own touch. He had taken off his shirt and the noises he made were intoxicating. She was drunk on horniness, drunk on him .

He was so beautiful, so tall and broad. Sex incarnated.

They did not last that long and it felt strange yet exhilarating to have had intimacy this way. But Pen was glad, it was less intimidating and she had the opportunity to put on her confident and sexy Penelope persona. 

He smiled at her. “God, I needed that… You’re so pretty, sweetheart.”

Pen beamed with pride “Thank you, you’re not too bad yourself.”

He thanked her and asked about her day. While she answered, she heard Colin typing on his computer. He was nodding and he glanced at her from time to time while she talked. She felt a bit taken aback by this, was she really just a masturbation ignition? 

“Pen?” he said after she finished recounting the previous night where she went to paint on ceramic bowls with Andy, a friend from her masters.

She hummed a faint yes.

“Look at your e-mail please. I hope it’s not contradicting with too many of your plans.” 

She frowned. What was he talking about?  She clicked on the mail that she had just received. 

Inside, there was a first class ticket to Naples dated for the last day of her internship and an itinerary with clothes recommendations. She gasped. Was he serious? It was… so unhinged, as if she could just drop everything?

“You’re crazy Colin!”

“I am not! I just want to touch you in real life. God, Pen, I can’t come back home just yet and you’re almost free now. Please come! I'll pay for everything, you deserve a vacation.”

She pondered what to answer but her lips (and heart) were quicker than her head. 

“I’ll come.” 

Chapter Text

Amalfi, Italy - 20th of June, 2025

Pen and Colin were lazily laid out by the pool in a lounge chair. He was observing the freckles that had formed in only the week she had spent in Italy with him, the sun making her fair skin all glowy and delectable. He wanted to eat her alive if it was possible. Seeing her like this, all relaxed, was a dream really. They had spent the last days exploring the region and she was finally rested, basking in the present.

He had succeeded, he had taught her how to enjoy life. 

***

Napoli, Italy - 13th of June, 2025

When she first landed in Naples and he picked her up at the airport, she looked quite anxious. He could see it on her face, in the way she played with her hair and in her short responses to his basic questions. On the flipside, she was asking a ton of questions, saying sorry constantly as if she felt like she was taking advantage of him. She seemed to not be able to decompress from the flight. 

Colin felt bad - it was too much, too soon, maybe? 

She was not used to travelling, especially to a foreign country; she had told him as much at least a hundred times, inquiring about his trips. One time, two years ago, they almost went away together but something came up and they never followed through. He realized that it was maybe her first time being on an adult vacation. 

In the car, mid-way to their destination, she confessed as much, “You know Colin, it’s my first real vacation without my family… I never had the money to travel by myself, I’m quite scared.” 

That’s when he decided that he needed to teach her how to wind down, how to be a tourist, how to enjoy a true vacation. 

He smiled at her, taking her hand in the back of the car the BLC’s team commissioned for him.

“Don’t worry darling, I’ll teach you how to have a good time, I’ll be your guide through all of this.” 

“Okay… I’ll wait for your lessons then!”

She smiled and laid her head on his shoulder. She was feeling a bit better, looking at the sea through the window, the dark blue colors almost dancing due to the speed of the car. It was almost nighttime, but remnants of the sunset made the landscape truly magnificent. 

When they arrived at the hotel, he saw her try to take her own suitcase out of the car but he intervened, stopping her from opening the trunk’s door.

“Okay, Penny, lesson number one: this is a 5-star hotel, so you don’t need to carry your own luggage. You need to let people take care of you.”

“But I can carry my own stuff!” she said, protesting.

“Penelope Featherington! You agreed that I could teach you how to have a good time. Let me do it properly,” he said, while encircling her and kissing her forehead slightly. She blushed and leaned up to kiss him on the lips. They were not even in the hotel room yet and he wanted her so much. Her hair was flamboyant, her eyes were sparkling and a part of him liked that he could lead, be in a powerful position. That he could teach her stuff. He wanted to explore her body after having seen it from every angle possible thanks to her nudes. She was so pretty, all dressed up in the clothes he bought her.

The dress she was wearing was from Reformation; it was a simple white linen but she looked regal in it, her hair flowing down her back. Her breasts were also extremely well highlighted, as if the dress had been painted on them. He wanted to take it off of her right now, to see what was hidden underneath, to see his prize in real life; at last. 

Colin had chosen one of Sorrento’s finest hotels overlooking the napolitan bay, Bellevue Syrene, right by Piazza della Vittoria which had one of the prettiest views of the city. 

At the reception he inquired about their room. He had paid for a view of the sea, the most expensive suite with a private terrace overlooking the Vesuvio. Sorrento, their first stop of the week, was known for its sunsets. He wanted to be able to enjoy them with her, drinking Prosecco, naked, watching the colors dance in the sky and in the sea while sitting in their private Jacuzzi. Maybe he was too horny to make proper plans but it didn't matter because he only had her in his mind. 

After he got their keys, his first thought went to food. They needed to find a place to eat, before doing anything else. To regain strength and because, to him, eating was a huge component of travelling and she needed to discover that. 

Taste had always been one of Colin’s most acute senses. Lately, however, it was not only food that he wanted against his taste buds. Penelope was smiling wide, inspecting the luxurious lobby of the 5-star hotel, and he finally felt proud of himself. 

Sorrento was known in Italy for its lemons but also for its concentration of really good restaurants. The region was famous for its delicacies and its fresh products. It was almost 10 and Colin hoped that something was still open and accepting clients as June was already the full tourist season in Italy. He knew of a place that had just opened and that was supposed to be really good. He wrote the address on his phone and he smiled at her. 

“Okay! Let’s head to this little place I found! Lesson number two: on vacations, you should always look for places that are highly rated on google and that don’t have pictures on their menus or places that are hassling for you to eat there; it’s almost guaranteed to be bad otherwise." 

“But Colin… Should we not get to our room? Where are our suitcases?” 

“It’s already been taken care of, baby, don’t worry. Let’s head out!” 

The walk was less than ten minutes but the streets were quite lively as a lot of restaurants and shops  were still open. It was a beautiful city, with lots of narrow streets and yellowish buildings that made him think of Penelope. When she was younger, her mom would always dress her in citrus tones, which she hated. Even as a teen, when he met her, she was still holding on to these colours. He liked how lively it was, and since then yellow had meant happiness and happiness had meant Penelope. When they arrived, the road they took was quieter and the place seemed extremely small. Penelope looked at him inquisitively. 

“It’s a small family restaurant. It is run by a couple and their daughter. You’ll see it’s simple but extremely good! Lesson number three: in Italy, small, familial, not-so-expensive restaurants are often the best!”

They arrived, and indeed the restaurant was quite small, the menu modest and the kitchen opened to the floor. Penelope smiled.

“I was a bit worried, Colin, that we would be in a very fancy place, but it’s so nice here! It seems to be simple but perfect!” They sat at a table in the corner of the back room, admiring the menu: Colin wanted to eat everything. 

Soon after, the owner of the place approached them, all smiling. “Buena Sera! Welcome! Do you want to begin with a glass of wine?” Colin looked at Pen, who smiled, nodding. 

“Okay! We will take two glasses of white Lacryma Christ wine, one mozzarella and prosciutto bruschetti and one pesto bruschetti!” He smiled at them while repeating their order in Italian to the chef that was right behind them. 

Colin and Pen continued their conversation. They were talking about a movie Pen had just seen and that Colin had heard great reviews about. 

“You know, you should definitely see it! I mean, a movie about Christmas in June is a bit weird but Cillian Murphy is so good! I think that Claire Keegan might be one of my favorite authors at the moment, she is so precise and descriptive. Her work is like a postcard of Ireland, I love it. But it’s also quite raw and it deals with so many societal issues that I think are so important!”

Colin smiled. She was so beautiful, so passionate. He loved that she loved things so much, that she cared, that she was not passive. She had opinions and she loved sharing them. But she was not cutthroat or condescending and her words were magical. She definitely had a way with them. Hell, she could talk about onion skin and he would find it mesmerizing. 

The wine arrived with their entree and when Pen bit into the bread, she let out a small moan. Colin was taken aback at the sound and, soon, had to hide his growing manhood. If she was moaning like that for some food, how would she sound when he would finally have the opportunity to undress her? And play with her naked body? 

How would she react then? Would she scream with pleasure? 

God, Colin, you’re a dog, he thought. You’re in a public space, get it together. The wine was good and he took a large gulp to try to defocus from Pen’s reaction. 

“My god, it’s so good! I have a mouthful and still want more,” she said, smiling at him.  

Was she trying to kill him?

“Yes it is!” he said, with a trembling voice. Penelope began sharing gossip from the interns at her publishing job and he nodded along, concentrating on the problems of a guy named Remington, who apparently dated both Sarah and her boyfriend, the couple not knowing that they were cheating and being cheated on at the same time. The evening was already going so fast; being with her felt so natural, so great, like it was what he was supposed to be doing all the time. 

The rest of the meal was as delicious as the entree, especially Pen’s mussels dish. What was even better (or worse, for his composure) was the way she was licking her lips and sucking on the seafood. 

God, Colin wanted to stop the dinner right then and there and take her in the restaurant, savoring each inch of her body. But he did not want to end up in prison, so he had composed himself and had asked for the bill. 

Penelope frowned. “What about dessert?”

You will be my dessert, was what he thought and refrained himself from saying, muttering, “I thought we could grab a lemon ice-cream!” 

Was he an idiot? More licking? More tongue? Maybe his subconscious (or his dick) was suddenly controlling him. 

They finally arrived back at the hotel, after an excruciating sequence of Penelope eating ice cream and him feeling like he was dying on the spot. 

When they entered the lobby, Penelope yawned. “Oh my god, I had not noticed how tired I was… I really need to sleep… Where’s our room?”

Colin smirked. “Top floor, my dear.” She smiled at him, rolling her eyes. 

“Lesson number four: when going on a vacation, picking the best accommodation is key to your enjoyment. Sure, it depends on how much money you have, but I always say that a good bed and good food is what make a vacation great! It’s not a necessity for every trip; you can also travel to discover, to backpack or to get away from materiality and then, the location of the accommodation is more key than the number of springs of the mattress. But together, Pen, we are not doing that. This is pure enjoyment, I really want to teach you how to be relaxed. So, please, enjoy the Astor Suite.” 

She smiled at him and then followed, she was bouncing with a form of joy he recognized: she knew she’ll finally sleep like a baby tonight, all worry-free. He had completely lost it while reserving the first stop of their trip and picked the best place in all of Sorrento. It was immensely spacious , with a private jacuzzi on the terrace overlooking the bay and the Vesuvio. It was all white and cosy, with a gigantic bed and Colin quickly observed Penelope’s face. It was pure shock and ecstasy. It looked like she was about to pass out from how much there was to discover. 

“Colin… How much did you spend?” 

He pondered what to answer, the real price (5000€ per night?) or some cheesy line to deter her from finding out this insane price? He wanted to brag, to show her everything he could afford, how much she was worth to him. But also, he did not want her to panic and to think that she owed him sex or whatever. He was an ethical sugar daddy after all. 

“That’s not for you to worry about. I’m in charge of the finances, you’re in charge of relaxing this beautiful little body of yours.” 

Great Colin, objectify her much? He really was horny. 

She looked around at everything with the same look a kid has on Christmas morning. Colin was also quite impressed with himself. It was not as if he was always sleeping in a three figures room. It was maybe the most luxurious place he had stayed at in the past year. But still, it was perfect, it was big, and all he could think about was how much noise they’d be able to make. 

He followed her to the bedroom where she was inspecting their suitcases that had safely made it. She was focused on the decorations, simple, white and pink. He leaned by the door frame, grinning, rolling his shirt’s sleeve. She seemed so happy. 

“God Colin, you really went all out! ” 

“You deserve it Pen, you worked so hard,” he said while entering the room, wanting to hug her. He caressed her arm and she smiled at him, a glimpse of a tear forming in her eye.

“Yes, I really worked hard and my body is not in its best place. It was a really tough semester,” she said, hugging him fully. 

It was so nice and precious. Maybe worth every penny he spent on this trip. Worth all the money in the world. God, the number of things he would do to be able to spend eternity in her arms. 

“You’re very brave and very strong, Penelope Featherington, do not forget that,” he said with a soft voice, almost shushing in her ear.

“And you’re the nicest guy ever, Colin Bridgerton,” she whispered. 

They stayed in this embrace for at least a couple of minutes, before Colin kissed her forehead and she kissed his lips. She was so much smaller than him and he liked this feeling, he liked how precious she felt under his gaze, under his touch. He could take her all in one embrace and it made him feel strong. She was perfect under his fingers, the hugs were so comfortable, so fitted, as if she was made for him. 

He leaned in to kiss her again; he touched her waist delicately while she explored his back. She smiled, exploring him not so innocently, a glint of desire shining in her eyes. He felt it everywhere; his body responding to her warmth with goosebumps and yet another erection (did it really go away?). 

“Penelope…”

“Yes?” 

“Do you want to lie down?” he said, grinning, his gaze lingering on her body, notably on her chest. 

She smiled back. “Colin… I am so sorry but I'm exhausted… Can we sleep and just hug? I… don’t want to have sex tonight…”. 

Colin smiled placatingly. He felt defeated internally but he did not want to show it to her. He wanted her to feel as though sex was never something she owed him. Just her presence was enough. However, he needed to sneak away to take care of his excitement, scared of not being able to control himself otherwise. Maybe it was a bit foolish, he knew he would be as excited just minutes after hugging her again, especially sleeping together for the first time but he needed to feel like a sane man.

“No worries Penelope, I’ll just go wash myself then!” he said, smiling, hoping she won’t notice what he planned on doing (touching himself to the memory of her curves, once more). 

The next morning, when he woke up, he noticed that Penelope had wrapped herself around him. Their first night together had been sweet and he had felt like the happiest man on earth, softly playing with her curls as she was sleeping away all her worries. He had paid for breakfast to be delivered on their terrace at 10 am. When the staff knocked on their door, she was still profoundly under the care of Morpheus. He woke her up softly and she emerged, looking like an angel.

“Good morning sweetheart!” 

She smiled back at him. “Good morning Colin! What time is it?”

“10 am. Breakfast will be served in a few minutes on the terrace. We can discuss what you want to do today. I don’t have anything to do for work for the next two days so we are completely free. Afterwards, we’ll need to leave for Positano and then Ravello, but I don’t think you’ll be lonely there.”

Penelope smiled a bit worriedly. “But what will I do… I live by myself but I’ve never travelled alone…”

Colin took her hand in his and got out of the bed, inviting her to do the same. “Don’t worry Penny, I have an entire career dedicated to teaching people what to do on their vacation, I can share my knowledge with you!” 

This morning, he took the lead. He wanted to show her around Sorrento, a city he knew so well. First, they needed to explore the old town and the Marina Grande. It was wonderfully colorful. He knew about the history of the city and he shared it all with her. Penelope seemed extremely happy, looking at everything, admiring the beautiful and luxurious houses, asking him about the people, the food, and the culture. The sun was shining high in the sky and Colin felt fulfilled. This trip confirmed that Penelope was surely made for him. He liked her joy and that he could teach her all about luxury and traveling, surely, but also how many different things they could talk about for hours; it was never boring, it was never too much. 

They could play silly games, eat and kiss forever. It was heaven on earth.

In the afternoon they stayed at the hotel’s beach, swimming lazily. Pen had made a list of things she wanted to taste and Colin rolled his eyes playfully when he saw the length. She was not capable of letting go. That night at the hotel, they kissed and hugged again, but Penelope was still not feeling well so everything stayed PG-13. He wondered if she was scared or if she did not like him, but he tried to repress those awful thoughts. 

The next day, Penelope took the lead, trying to apply some of Colin’s tips. But she was almost military-like, imposing a schedule by the minute. It was tiring; they did a hike through a lemon farm, a visit to a small museum and a wine tasting. All in 4 hours.  

After lunch, however, Colin took the reins back and he decided on the afternoon’s plan: relaxation. Indeed, they stayed the rest of the day at the prívate beach of their hotel, Penelope carefully tucked away under the umbrella reading a romance novel.

She was glorious in her red two piece swimsuit that was hugging her curves perfectly. Colin read with her for a while before jumping in the water to cool down, partly because of the sun and partly because he was hard again. 

Their beach was facing the Vesuvio, the water was blue and clear and wonderfully fresh. Soon, Penelope joined him and they played around as if they were teenagers, splashing water around.

“Lesson number I can’t remember,” he said, doing the starfish, looking up at the sky. “Water is one of the few places on earth where you can be a child again. You can just relax, admire the view and play mermaids.”

Penelope smirked. “That’s one way to look at it Colin, but I wonder where you don’t feel like a child, it’s not as if you have a ton of responsibilities.” 

The comment hurt him. He knew that he was not Anthony or Ben with an art gallery but he had a job, he had a schedule, he had stats to achieve, brands to promote, the world to see even. 

“That’s mean, Pen,” he said, splashing some water at her. 

She approached him, hugging him from behind. “I am sorry!” she said, laughing. “But what you’ve been teaching me for the past 48 hours, it’s… so… fun?” she said with hesitation. 

“Of course, it’s fun, I’m teaching you to relax because you desperately need it! Do you think I spend all my time in 5-star hotels and restaurants, laying by the beach?” 

“I don’t need to be taught how to relax Colin. That’s presumptuous of you. I’m joking around but my problem is not that I don’t know how to pick a restaurant. Sure I don’t, but my problem is that I don’t have money and time and as a result energy.” 

Colin did not know what to say. 

“Please, Pen. I have also taught you today to look away from your phone. This morning, you were stuck on it, citing to me all the places you needed to cross off the list you compiled from ten different blogs. And it’s good, it’s a way to travel, but you also have a problem with de-connecting and taking life easy.” 

“That’s because my life is hard?”

“And I don’t deny that, babe. But, please, even when you are on vacation, that’s all paid for by me, you can’t disconnect! You, you can’t relax and take things as they come! I’m so happy you wanted to show me that you could lead this morning and I noticed that you picked up on my tips, but honey, my main lesson is to chill the fuck out! You need it more than you need money.”

“That’s mean, Colin.” 

Colin looked at her with disbelief. Had he really been that mean? He never wanted to hurt her and if he did he felt extremely bad. 

“I am sorry Pen; what was mean about what I said?”

“I can’t chill the fuck out as you’ve said, precisely because I don’t have money. And even if I did not grow up destitute or anything, these past years, I’ve been poor, ok? I have scraped together all my time and my energy to pay rent, never having one minute to myself. I am tired! And I don’t know how to function without being a master of organisation! I know I’ve been quite harsh this morning with the schedule but, I don’t know when I’ll get to travel again… And I don’t know when you’ll leave again! I can’t depend on you!” 

Penelope’s eyes watered, she was on the verge of tears, her words getting more and more choked up with each syllable. 

Colin’s jaw almost dropped to the bottom of the sea. This was way too beautiful a setting for such an ugly conversation. 

“Penelope” he said while getting closer to hug her. “You can depend on me, don’t you see? I flew you here!”

“I can’t! What if you leave again? What if you decide that I am not worthy of being your sugar baby anymore? What if you find a girlfriend? You were supposed to take me to my dance in university three years ago but cancelled. You were supposed to travel with me two summers ago, but you had a brand deal in the end and we never took this train trip across France! You left me after we kissed for the first time at Eloise’s party to go to fucking Australia! And you left me when I needed you most last week. I know you could not say no, but …” 

“That’s not fair Penelope.” He faced away from her, looking at the Vesuvio, hoping it would explode right now. He hated this conversation; it was too deep, too hurtful. 

“What’s not fair?”

“I asked you if you wanted me to stay! I would have quit my job to stay with you but you said it was ok! You called me the next morning and you were fine…”

“I was not fine? I was never fine!” she almost screamed. “And all the other times you’ve abandoned me?”

“Penelope. I was a dick, I’m sorry. But I’m changing. I… I like you, ok? I realized that I’ve liked you for quite some time now and I’ll never abandon you again! I’m here to stay.” 

“Just because you’re buying me time, does not mean you want to spend it with me!” 

“Penelope…” he hugged her, trying to get her to decrease her anxiety, “I want to spend time with you! I love spending time with you! These past two days have been the best days of my year yet.” 

She looked up at him with tears in her eyes. 

“Really?”

“Really, Penelope. I wish we could… I want us to be exclusive, I want you to be mine. Ditch this Debling guy and be with me! We can see the world together, we can …”

She cut him by kissing him passionately. It was long and beautiful. It was perfect. Colin felt light. He had finally confessed how he felt. Maybe communication was not their strong suit, but god they had an affinity for the dramatic declarations. 

“I want us to be exclusive too.”

***

The sunset they were witnessing looked like a wonder of nature. The colours danced on the horizon, the clouds painting one of the prettiest scenes that Colin had ever had the chance to witness. But what was truly bewildering was the other sight in front of him.

Penelope. Topless. Her hair matching the orange in the sky. 

She had taken her bra off just mere minutes before, after the prosecco had arrived and they began kissing. It was all sweet and lovely but it soon became heated. She had slipped her hand in his swim trunks and began touching him, caressing his thigh close to his manhood. It was electrifying. She also finally let him touch them; her breasts. The objects of many of his fantasies. He traced circles around the skin, feeling their weight under his hands. He wanted to kiss them, he wanted to eat her alive. He laid kisses on her chest, savoring their taste, devouring them in all their fullness. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. 

He trailed his hand down her thigh but she redirected it. She put it back up on her chest and he did not mind. A couple of minutes later, he tried again, leading to the same results. In between kisses he asked, “Penelope? You don’t want to be touched?”

“No, I…” 

He stopped touching her altogether to focus on her reaction. 

“Please, can we continue, I can take care of you. I just feel … weird there. I’m not ready yet… As you’ve read on my reddit account all those weeks ago, it hurts often. And I don’t want sex to hurt with you because you matter so much to me… I can take care of you, I promise. It excites me. I need to be really really worked up for it to feel ok…” 

“Penelope… Even if I just touch you? Even if I just play with your clitoris? I can also eat you out you know, I’m hungry for you.”

“I… I can’t deal with something inside of me… Even if I want it very very very much.”

“I don’t need to be inside of you for you to have pleasure, you know that right?” 

Penelope looked weirdly at him. She blinked a bit. 

“Penelope, I can touch you without inserting myself into you. Sorry for the clinical terms but, I can rub you, you know, like when you touch yourself.”

Penelope looked away, as if she was suddenly very focused on the edge of the jacuzzi. She turned a bit from him and he approached her from behind, squeezing her shoulder delicately. 

“Penelope… You do, touch yourself right?” 

She looked down at the water, as if she could not face him. It looked weirdly like she was inspecting her own breasts and the scene felt very intimate. Colin kissed her forehead. “It’s ok if you don’t touch yourself, it’s just… Why though?’ 

“I do, touch myself! It’s just… not very often. It hurts you know? It has always hurt and it scares me… I just can’t relax and I think about things that are not related to sex and it freaks me out… Due to my endometriosis, it’s just more… painful altogether in this area… I don’t have orgasms often you know… And never had one with a guy…”. 

Colin felt very bad for her. He knew that sex was not everything but it broke his heart just a little to know that Penelope had never experienced pleasure in this way. He kissed her hand and looked into her eyes, trying to reassure her. 

“Sweetheart… I can help you… I can show you, you know? It’s ok, we’re still quite young and there is nothing to be ashamed about. But, you know, you do deserve pleasure and sex. You deserve to feel like a goddess, you deserve to have an orgasm, to come on my fingers, screaming for pleasure. I can just teach you…” he said suggestively. 

She stared at him, speechless. 

“I can teach you how to enjoy life in all its forms.” 

In response, she kissed him hesitantly, searching for softness rather than strength or passion. So he kissed her very slowly, touching her body with care and with love. Caressing every inch, every curve, every line of it. Cherishing it how it should be cherished. He began by kissing her neck and by continuing to play with her nipples. But it was not for him, not directly, it was for her, for her own pleasure. 

“Penelope, can I touch you there? I am going to say everything out loud ok?” She nodded. 

“Please, I need a yes.” 

“Yes, Colin, you can touch me.” 

“I am going to begin by kissing you on your neck again, while touching your inner thigh with my hand softly, very softly. The other is going to trail down your back. You need to tell me where and when it feels good. I can interpret it with your moans, but don’t hesitate to talk.”

He began touching her as he had described. 

“I am going to play around with your breast now, they are quite reactive, are they not?” 

“Yes, they are, I told you so…” She moaned a bit and he looked directly into her eyes, smiling as if he had just won a prize. 

“I am going to touch your pussy now, very lightly. Grabbing it gently, just so it can get used to my hand.” 

“God, Colin…”

“I am going to trace circles on it ok? To make your clitoris all tense, all ready to explode, but I’m not going to touch it yet… And because I know about your thighs, I’m going to touch them with my other hand. Don’t worry your breasts are not going to be lonely for long… I’m going to be quiet for a while because my tongue is going to take care of them.” 

She moaned again, her back arching a bit with every circle he drew on her. He felt her clitoris harden under his fingers and he continued, going a bit faster as she began to rub herself against his fingers more. 

“Colin… Your tongue, it’s… hurting my breast a bit.” 

“Oh I am sorry dear! Let me kiss you instead! Is everything going well?”

“Mmmmmmm Colin, it’s so good…” 

“I am going to touch your clitoris now, is it okay for you? My fingers are not going inside, I promise.” 

“It is, please, Colin.” She pushed herself against him.

“I’m tracing more circles now, all slowly, all good for my sweetheart…” 

“Ouch, Colin, I’m sorry, it hurts a bit.”

Colin smiled gently at her. He wanted her to feel good, he wanted her to find release. A part of him felt bad, as if it was his own fault. 

“Oh no, I’m sorry… Let’s get inside, I bought lube, it will be better.”

They got inside, drying themselves in the process, laughing at the size of the towels because they could both fit inside of one. The bed was massive and both of them hopped on it, settling in between the myriad of cushions. 

Penelope took off her bottoms, now completely naked in front of him. He took his bottoms off too, and he saw her gulp.

Maybe it was because of his size. Maybe it was because she could see him in his entirety. He worked out a lot and he took care of himself, notably because he did not want any bad comments on the internet. He took pride in his body, in his muscles; it was work, hard work. There were some parts he still was insecure about: his abs were not completely defined and he felt too tall, too wide sometimes. He was also 25 still retaining a bit of baby face and he did not like it. He wanted to be fitter, tighter, like Anthony. All his muscles defined. 

“You’re very sexy Penelope,” he said, seeing her naked for the first time, inspecting her entire body. 

“Thank you… You are very sexy yourself Mister Bridgerton, those abs… I could die for them and your arms? So massive, so wide. And your thighs, my god, I want you to choke me with them…” She blushed. “I am sorry, it’s too much.” 

He blushed as she did. “No! It’s not! Thank you, it means a lot… You like my legs then?” he said, grinning like an idiot. 

“Of course I like your legs!”

“I love yours too, I really enjoy how they are all full and I want nothing more than to squeeze them, just like how I really want to squeeze your butt. Can I do it? Please?” 

“You can.”

“Lesson number 2000: sex during vacation has a different taste. You are free to do it all evening, all day if it comes to it. You smell so good, a bit of sunscreen, a bit of sea and salt mixed with your peachy mist. I could eat you alive if I could. And those breasts, my god, Penelope, those breasts. They were made for me. They are so full, so big, so beautiful…” 

She smiled. “Are you, per chance, a boob guy Mister Bridgerton?” 

“I am, but I am a Penelope’s boobs guy more than anything,” he said, while kissing them. “Can I continue to touch you?” 

She nodded and he did. 

A dozen minutes later, under his encouraging words and his precise touch, she came, her body shaking and her eyes rolled to the back of her head. While she finished, he kissed her on the mouth, capturing one of her moans in the process. She was the most precious thing he had ever seen and she was under him, at the mercy of his skilled fingers. 

“Please, Colin… More…” she said. “I want another… it was the best orgasm of my life.” 

He grinned like an idiot. “I will…You’re insatiable…” 

“For you? Always…” 

He kissed her and she trailed her hands up and down his back. “But before that… Can I touch you?” 

“Oh my god, yes, please.” He almost let out a tear of joy, or maybe just relief. Finally.

She touched him, maintaining a slow but firm rhythm: she was so good at it. In only five minutes, he came, exploding on her breasts, as she had suggested. She smiled and she tasted a bit of it, making him go all crazy. How would he ever do something productive again? Knowing that he could do that all day?

“Penelope, you gave the best handjob I’ve ever experienced, my god, how are you so good?” 

“Like I said, bringing pleasure to others is very important to me… I want to please you just as much as you’ve pleased me. In all ways.” 

***

Positano, 16th of june

The next day, Colin had to leave for Positano to go work. They needed to shoot some promotion reels. They were staying again at a nice hotel (not as expensive nonetheless), in a tower by the sea, all by themselves. It was extremely beautiful and calm. 

Colin had decided that this morning was perfect to teach Penelope how to properly shop. He needed her to find something to do, feeling guilty about abandoning her and he wanted to treat her, to thank her for that night. 

Positano was small. Colin took her around the city, losing themselves in the cobblestones and white walled streets, the sea in the background. When they had arrived by private boat that morning, Penelope had almost lost her phone due to the amount of pictures she took, in awe of the view. And it’s true, it was magnificent. 

He gave her tips. “So, babe, I’ll give you my card and teach you my tricks… Don’t fight me on this, and I want you to buy whatever you want. I want you to fulfill your heart’s desires and have fun. I want to see you tonight in a new dress and new shoes. Deal?” 

She nodded, grinning. “Colin… I know how to shop!” 

He shook his head. “I’m sure, but please, entertain me! So… You need to be careful about two things. In the stalls, you’re very fair skinned and a redhead so they’ll know you’re English; they’ll try to hike up the price, but don’t be fooled by people being way too nice to you for no reason!” 

She smiled at him. “Okay baby… I don’t think I’ll shop this much!”

Colin rolled his eyes. 

“Please, Pen, you have carte blanche, shop! Just be careful with touristy shops, be mindful of where stuff comes from! There are tons of artisans here, and they are very good: artists, shoesmakers, dressmakers, jewellers… The people will be nice but not overly nice there, that’s a sign that it’s a real artisanal shop; it’s where you should go. Also, be careful about where they say it’s made. For leather, don’t buy overly colored items, they are 100% not made locally and look for shops that don’t have tons of bags at their front. For jewels, look for places that don’t sell too many different models. Please, I want to see your ears shine tonight. My precious sweetheart needs all the best things in the world,” He said, kissing her. 

That night, Penelope had fulfilled his demands and had followed his lesson. Everything was made in Italy. She had bought a black artisan hand bag, burgundy slingbacks that were to die for, three colorful dresses, two of which were very low-cut to his pleasure. She was also wearing a matching set: a pair of small coral earrings and a heart necklace. The color matched her hair and she looked radiant. 

That night they watched the sunset in Positano public beach, the one tucked away behind the city and it was the best moment in his life. He kissed her and they played around in the clear blue water, the backdrop of one of the most beautiful villages in the world behind them.

But the real beauty was Penelope. God, he was really falling in love with her. 

Chapter Text

Penelope had her eyes closed, the rays of sunshine caressing her face sweetly, the subtle waves making her move slightly as she bathed in the blue waters of the Mediterranean Sea.

She felt completely at peace for once, not worrying about anything; not caring about her family, university or work. She was done with school, she had finished her internship, she had been looking for a job up until Colin whisked her away to Italy, and she was so happy that he did. She felt so taken care of, so loved in a way, even if she could not tell yet if it was romantic love or just lust. She was happy to not care for once. To just be. 

They have had sex a lot these past days. Like, an awful lot. She felt quite sore even though they had not had penetrative sex a lot, due to her pain. She did not care; she liked their intimacy, she enjoyed thoroughly being with him like this and she did not feel as though something was missing. He never complained about it, and it was as if he was excited to discover new ways to give each other pleasure each night, exploring everything that was possible. They now were staying in Amalfi and every day they went to the beach and ate and had sex. Luxurious and perfect. 

Colin’s mission was over but they had both decided to stay in Italy longer, to enjoy this sweet parentheses just a little more. As if real life did not exist. 

Colin had been… quite ravenous with her. It was as if he could not get enough of her. He kissed, licked, caressed every inch of her body with a want she did know existed. She replicated it surely but the way he looked at her, the way he kissed her, so softly yet so passionately, with an insatiable hunger made her feel… invincible. 

In addition to that, Colin had developed the habit since they had sex for the first time, to gift her things every time they had an intimate moment. It was both small and gigantic presents, like a magnet from the beach, or an expensive necklace. She enjoyed it, much to her surprise. She liked this appreciation of her he had. Penelope had begun to accept this new normal. He was rich and there was a joy she could not understand completely as he treated her, as he made her comfortable and relaxed. Penelope liked how full of joy he looked when she smiled at his gifts, the same glee a cat has when he drops a dead pigeon on your doorstep, unaltered raw joy, “I take care of you, I make you happy, LOOK!”.

And Penelope was happy. Very happy. 

At the table this evening at the pizzeria they were eating at, Colin announced a surprise to her. 

“I booked us a special space for tomorrow’s evening. You know how you said that you wanted to visit Villa Cimbrone and Villa Rufolo in Ravello? … I pulled some moves and … We have the Ernest William Beckett Suite booked at Villa Cimbrone! It has a view overlooking the bay and a private terrasse, and we have non-stop access to the gardens!”

Penelope smiled and sprung with joy, hugging him over the table “That’s… thank you Colin, I love this so much!” She was going to be staying inside an historical monument? A place people paid to visit? 

This was an enormous gesture and she was so glad. She had read about the infinity terrasse a few years ago and had always wanted to visit this place. But to actually sleep there? That was so much, that was more than she thought she deserved… 

Was she worth all that? On the surface, she beamed, but deep down, a new form of guilt and anxiety crawled inside her belly. 

***

That night back at their hotel, Colin was … horny to say the least. He had begun by kissing her a lot on their couch after they had watched the sunset together. She was still wearing her swimsuit and he took pleasure in licking her salty skin and playing with the strings of her top. He took it off and cupped her chest, weighing it in his hands, grinning like an idiot. 

Penelope moaned at the touch of his big hands on her, and she whispered in his ear “Do you want me to please you?” 

“Of course! Your kisses are plenty enough darling!” he said, continuing to play with her hair and her waist and kissing her passionately. But Pen wanted more, she needed to take care of him, to thank him, to reward him in a way. 

She trailed kisses down his chest and she unzipped his trousers. He looked at her with amusement and bewilderment. 

“What are you doing my dear?” he whispered, with a smug look on his face. 

“Colin… Isn’t it clear? Can I, please, suck your dick?” 

Colin blinked and smiled “Well, that’s … rather direct, but of course you can, please, I even encourage you!”. So she began by taking his bottoms off and playing with his member, feeling deep pride as he got even harder than she thought was possible, his veins feeling like a testimony of his appreciation of her skills. 

He came quickly and inquired about her own pleasure, but she refused him, stating that he deserved to be taken care of for once. Indeed, Colin was a very generous lover. 

But that was not the real reason; she was bloated and she felt a growing sharp pain in her belly. She was supposed to have her period soon and she feared the pain again. The knives, the weight, the fatigue. 

That night, as a thank you for her endeavours, Colin, gifted her a handbag he had previously bought at Prada. It was pink and practical and she adored it. 

“Colin… You can’t give me luxury bags each time, I…” 

He grinned “Each time you what, Penelope?” 

She rolled her eyes. Colin was… comfortable with sex. Very comfortable even. He talked about it like you talk about a movie you saw. She was not like that. Except when she put on the confident and sexy Pen persona but tonight she was tired and she could not bring herself to properly flirt. But he was her sugar daddy, even if an ethical one,  and that was part of their deal so she answered him. 

“Each time I make you come, Colin”. He got closer, kissing her softly. 

“Sure, not bags, but… It’s my job ok? To treat you”. She smiled at him, but the words stung her. His job. Was this really just a contract? 

Penelope tried to rationalize the situation before panicking; sure, they confessed some feelings during the trip but it did not mean that they were a couple even if they both played the part perfectly. At the end of the day, she had confessed hardship and he had proposed to help.

He cared about her for sure, but he did not love her and Penelope feared her own feelings. She was in love with him, had always been, and now it was even more flagrant. His job was to take care of her and her job was to entertain him.  

She smiled at him to conceal her sadness and crawled into the bed. The pain in her belly intensified and she could not fall asleep. 

He looked peaceful, in his expensive pajamas, his hair all messy and perfectly curled, the salt of the sea making them tighter than usual. He fell asleep the minute his cheek landed on the pillow and Penelope envied him as she desperately tried to follow him to the lands of dreams. She was obsessing about the purse, which was proudly standing on the cabinet next to her.
She had gotten used to the gifts, but she could not forget his words:  It's my job. Like all of this was just… a business deal. Sure it was, but wasn't it something more? Hadn’t they just confessed that they wanted to be exclusive? But exclusive for what? Sex? Or for a more real relationship? 

She scrolled on her phone, lurking on reddit, trying to find people that had the same experiences as her: “I am in love with my sugar daddy. What can I do?” 

She found a couple of posts but the advice was just “talk to him”, “communicate” and “have a conversation”. Yes, thank you, like she had not thought about that. She rolled her eyes in the dark.

Still untangling the least helpful tips ever, Pen got distracted when she received a calendar notification that said “Pen, do you have your period yet?” 

Penelope’s face whitened. My god. That’s when she realized that she had not had her period in over 5 weeks. 

“I’ll have my period soon”, she had said to Colin none other than yesterday, not realizing that she was that late and that she should have had her period at the latest last week! 

She had put up this event on her calendar to note down her cycles, which her gynecologist had asked her to do. Shit, shit, shit. She was late by nearly ten days. 

Was she pregnant? Was this the cause of the pain she was experiencing? 

Could it be even possible? 

They’ve had sex a lot, surely, but not a lot of penetrative sex… And she was back on the pill? A pill she took religiously every night at 10 pm. 

But, that’s when she remembered it. That night.  When they were VERY drunk after a yacht party and she had thrown up. It was right after she had taken her pill. God, how could she have forgotten? She felt like an idiot; it opened a 7 day window where sex was risky and… they had sex more than once a day. 

You’re not an idiot Pen? What’s this misogynistic bullshit you’re saying? A fake Eloise whispered in her ears. 

She got up and went to the bathroom, looking for a pregnancy test in vain. She looked at herself in the mirror and that’s when it properly hit her.

So… she was late… She had missed her pill once… she could be pregnant. 

Pregnant? at 23? She’s basically a teen? How can she be a mom? She does not have any money? 

Colin made a noise in the bedroom. Surely, he had money but… he was a bit immature, extremely chaotic and impulsive. He was a terrific uncle to Daphne’s kids but… 

He could definitely be a good father, why was she even questioning that? She thought while shaking her head and drinking a glass of water. She returned to the bed. She needed to sleep. 

Penelope settled comfortably in the bed. The extremely fluffy bed of the 500€ a night room they were staying in. Surely their kid could be well taken care of. Economically, at least. 

But how could she be a good mother? She had a not so good relationship with hers, she was extremely anxious and… god… What about her meds? The ones she takes for her stress episodes? They surely are not good for a baby? 

And a mother, really? Her life had barely begun? She had not found her own path yet? She was fucking jobless? How could she be a good mother? She was always all over the place… A baby is so… fragile? She could never be a good mother; she did not know how to take care of another human? She could not even care for herself! She had to get a sugar daddy to finally have some peace! 

She was hyperventilating now. God. She could destroy Colin’s life. All because of one pill? Damn life! 

She should get an abortion. Pen nodded and tried to close her eyes but a little voice whispered in her ear “But what if it’s your only chance to have a baby? Don’t you want a mini Colin? Daphne’s kids are so cute!”

Damn it. The voice was right. Endometriosis was one of the most common causes of infertility. What if it was her only chance? What if she decided to terminate and in ten years she regretted everything because she could not get pregnant? 

“But you can’t condemn Colin to fatherhood because you’re anxious about getting pregnant again in the future?” 

Fuck it. The voice was contradictory. 

She got up to drink another glass of water, and she exited the room, trying to appease herself by looking at the ocean. The black waves were calmly dancing on the horizon.

She needed to calm down. She was not even sure she was pregnant. Maybe it was a side effect of her new pill. 

She took another sip but the voices in her head got even more stressful and contradictory. She did not know what to do. No pharmacy would be open at this hour? She needed to sleep, nothing could be done right now, at midnight, inside a luxury hotel room in Amalfi. 

Her mind then wandered off onto bigger issues, ones she could not grasp by herself and she could not solve in the slightest. She thought of plastic because of the potential crib she had to buy and that made her think of her hatred for the fossil fuel industry…  That led to her thinking  about dying turtles and the state of the planet.

Damn, really ? Having a kid right now? Under these conditions? And, “oh my god” she thought… “the plane… she had taken the plane? On a whim? For a guy? Who was she?”

Her mind wandered again, back to the potential embryo in her belly. She wanted to cry, she had always been so careful. She did not want a child right now. It would kill her to raise a child without loving it properly. She could never do to a baby what her mom did to her. She liked children but… no… she was not ready … However… “onesies are so cute”, she thought… “Oh Pen…” her brain said “Do you remember the BBC documentary about the fashion industry?”... She then freaked-out even more, thinking of water scarcity and neo-colonisation. 

She fell asleep with difficulty after she took an anxiolytic, the first one of the trip. Her mind stopped wandering off to corners of problems she was inventing for herself. She had been to so many places that evening, so many dark corners of stress, obsessing about every little detail of a problem that did not exist yet. 

***

When she woke up, groggy and still anxious, she realized that it was Sunday… Which meant that pharmacies would be closed… It was Italy after all. She grumbled at the Catholic Church for a bit. She could not find any open that she could walk too. She would have to ask Colin. But how could she break it to him? 

Her stomach was still hurting and she damned her feminine condition, her health and her mother, because why not? 

Colin was adorable, as always and he proposed to get breakfast by the port, overlooking the blue waves. Pen, nodded with a bit of worriness. She needed to conceal this, put on a mask… She did not have the heart to break their happiness bubble, and Colin, god, he seemed to thrive inside of it. Pen had gotten out of it, but she wanted it to exist still, at least for him. 

They packed their bags and headed for Ravello. The village was incredible. For once, though, their visit is not filled with laughter and chatter.

The view at Villa Rufolo was … breathtaking and she imagined herself, in the19th century, wearing an elegant dress. She pictures Colin too, of course, in a top hat and a suit, asking for a dance with her. For a bit she forgets about the potential pregnancy and she only thinks of him. Colin. The man she loves and whose job is taking care of her. There is something quite… endearing about the thought actually when she really thinks about it. 

On the terrasse, overlooking the Amalfi Coast, the white mountains and the waves, turquoise and transparent crashing on the rocks beneath her, Penelope’s mind goes quiet for a bit. She feels like she is a bird and she could be and do anything. She feels like she has the right to be anything. She feels like the world is open to her. 

And she decides that she does not want to be a mom. She feels a form of peace she had never experienced before. Her first adult decision that she takes by herself. Nobody could change her mind. That’s not the right path for her. 

The peace makes her quiet and she notices that Colin is getting antsy. She has not talked for the past twenty minutes while she explored the garden, taking in the beauty of the place and of the world. This very wide world that she is not familiar with. 

She decides that she needs to enjoy this day, because tomorrow, once she gets the test and it’s positive, she’ll have to deal with endless logistics. 

“Penelope?” Colin whispers in her ear, while she looks at the sea, sitting on the bench by the pine tree.  

She hums back at him. 

“Are you okay? Are you enjoying today?” He looks a bit worried and Pen feels guilty about it.

“I am… okay… I…” She had decided to keep this last day to herself, but now… It feels like lying to say nothing to him. Even though she knows it’s her body. But she just does not want to waste this day. This peace she had finally felt again. So she lies to him. She hates it, but it feels necessary. She needs to keep him happy, it’s her job, at the end of the day. 

“I’m just… a bit tired! I’m PMSing” 

Colin smiles at her. “Oh!! My poor Pen! Do you need anything?”

Pen replicated his smile “No… I just need quiet, I think! But… let’s play a game tonight ok? Let’s explore this tiny village, linger under the sun, buy art and let’s watch the sunset and do something fun together”. 

Colin trails her arm and wiggles his eyebrows. “Is this… code for something?” He grins and Pen’s smile disappears for a second but she finds it back. She does not want drama. 

“Hmm… not… necessarily… Can we… Have a friend day today? I am not up for …you know…” she lets her voice trail off.

Colin smiles and kisses her temple. “Sure Pen! Sorry if I made you uncomfy. I have a switch with me, we can play something dumb like Mario Kart ok?” 

God, he was perfect. She really was in love with him. 

***

Villa Cimbrone is stunning. She feels like she is in another era, out of this world. She loves the rose garden, and the maze of little paths, and the view, overlooking the sea and the village. And the infinity terrasse is amazingly beautiful. 

A young couple is getting married and Pen realizes that this place could be the best place in the world for a proposal. The view is insane, unlike others she has seen in her life. The statues look like they were sculpted from a dream. She feels happy. 

A second later, though, a sharp pain breaks her in two. God. What’s happening? 

She feels blood. She fears that it’ll trail down her leg. She is having her period. God, no. She was happy. 

She is not pregnant, at least. She has no decision to make. The anxiety from the previous day feels weird now. It feels like a foreign memory, even though the moment only stopped a second ago.

God, not pain. She hopes she will have no pain. Not today, not on this trip. The worry changes subject. Instead of an embryo and potential motherhood, she thinks of fainting and deep-pain.

Colin encircles her from behind and kisses her cheek. Her hair is flowing in the wind, she is so pretty in her flowy blue dress. She looks perfect, but she does not feel perfect. 

“You’re very pretty looking like this Pen. I love this dress, and your hair… You’re a vision this morning”. 

She smiles, a sharp pain settling in her belly. 

“Thank you Colin… You’re very nice looking as well… I… I just got my period… I need to get back to the hotel, if it’s okay, I… need to lie down”. 

Worry grew in his eyes, and he took her hand, caressing her belly softly. “Oh no… Baby… we’ll go and I’ll order room service. We can watch a movie if you want… I’ll ask if we can extend our stay by a day, ok?”

“Oh… don’t worry, we can go back to our regular hotel, today, there’s no problem… I think… I would be very happy if… we do something a bit simpler maybe”. 

She liked luxury with him, sure… but the most precious thing that he gave her was peace. She loved the dresses, the purses, the jewelry, that made her look pretty but what she loved most was feeling the peace.

Colin smiled, but she knew that the smile was fake. Like she had just hurt him by saying that she wanted simplicity. 

“But… Why simpler? Are you not satisfied with what we did during this vacation?” 

Pen sat down on one of the benches, the pain was not very strong but she feared for the worst and now she had to have another deep and complicated conversation? She … just wanted something simple… and not to think. 

“I am absolutely satisfied, Colin, delighted, grateful, everything you can think of… It’s just… not me? I… love simplicity and, to be honest… I feel guilty… About the cost …”

“I told you Pen. I am very rich. Money’s not an issue.”

Pen sighed. She did not know what she wanted on the surface. 

But, to be truthful, she knew, she just couldn't say yet. She wanted to be her girlfriend, not his job. Not his sugar baby. She wanted simplicity, because she wanted him. She wanted to feel like the relationship was more balanced. She wanted to … She just wanted him and not his money. 

But how could she say that? She was not sure; he wanted her like this, his pretty doll and entertainer. She was not sure he wanted her for more than sex. He was gallant and respectful so he was never pressuring her but… 

She just wanted him. In his entirety. And she did not know if he felt the same. 

“It’s just… I… feel bad for the environmental cost, you know?” She let out instead of what she really wanted to say. It was true, partly. All of this luxury did not really align with her values, but… it was not the full truth. She just was not brave enough to tell him. 

“Pen… I… get it… it’s… We will do something different ok? More simple, more us. I really wanted to impress you, you know. I did not want you to see me still as this dream-eyed teenager. I did well for myself, I’m proud! I wanted to share this with you. You’re special to me Pen, you know that right? You are my best friend. Truly, sugar baby or not”. 

He sat down next to her and she hugged him tightly.

“Can we… just take the train? Move slower? Explore differently?”

Colin smiled “Sure, Pen… but first class? At least?” He grinned at her and she smiled at him. 

“If you insist!” she said, closing her eyes. A weight lifted off her chest and she leaned on his shoulder. 

***

Colin was standing up on the bus zigzagging through the mountains of the coast. To get to Rome, their next destination, they needed to get back to Sorrento. And instead of taking the private car, Colin had insisted on taking the bus. Pen was amused at how, he took everything to the extreme, at how, even if this was not pricey at all, he seemed to do stuff to please her. Was she his “experience sugar baby” now? As weird as this sounded? Was he trying to treat her with memories instead of stuff? 

The bus was long. But the view was magnificent. Once they finally got to sit down, and they looked at the sea without falling, Colin whispered “Well, I am not very grateful for how close to smelling this French guy’s cheap cologne I am but… This bus is fun. I feel like we nearly died twice but it’s fun!”

Pen grinned “Do you like living like the masses Colin Bridgerton? Are you having a poor people kink now?” 

Colin fake gasped. “Penelope!!!!! You TOLD me, you wanted simple, and now you accuse me of being fake? What’s more simple than the public bus at 8 am? Plus, they are all vacationers here, in one of the priciest places in Europe, they are not poor, at best they are middle class”. 

She laughed back at him and they argued about the potential wealth of half the bus, dissecting their outfits through texts, as not to be publicly rude. 

After the bus, they would take the Circumvesuviana, the train that goes around the Vesuvius Volcano. They had decided to stop at Pompeii on the way, to visit the ancient city, before sleeping in a small hotel in Napoli, in the middle of the city center. 

Pompeii was amazingly breathtaking and Pen and Colin played along as if they were actually from the ancient times, deciding which home would be their own and which backstory that had. They landed on the Villa dei Misteri, its magnificent gardens, and the frescos on the walls. Pen was the daughter of a politician and a fabric merchant and Colin was a scholar and the son of a winemaker. Penelope was happy. Penelope felt more joy than she thought was possible. And she realized it because she was not thinking about how this perfect moment would be a perfect memory. It was just a perfect moment for now and it felt right. To live in the present and not in her head. 

The day ended in a pizzeria in Napoli, surrounded by a crowd of Napolitan teenagers cheering for a football match. The city was messy, full of colors,  ancient and complicated to navigate. It was not perfectly pretty like Ravello but a part of Penelope loved it more, because it felt real. It looked like their relationship and, even though they almost got lost twice, soon, they learned how to navigate the streets, the stairs and the little back alleys.

The pizza was just simple and Penelope explained to Colin the origin of the word, but she was cut by an adorable 12 years-old swearing in Italian at a failed pass between two players. The same little boy soon bursted with joy when the PSG player, whose name Penelope could not remember, scored a goal.

“Ahahah, Italian football rivalry is so strong, they are all cheering on the French team instead of the Italian one, just because it’s from Milan?” Penelope whispered to him in his ear. 

“Yeah, I don’t get it… I would never cheer for a French football team ever… But you know, cultural differences and all…”

“I love this city” Penelope exclaimed over the chants of joy. 

“Me too. It’s very lively,” Colin agreed. 

“I think it’s crazy how many things were born here. How much influence this bay has had over the world. Like how much culture comes from here. 3000 years ago, when the fishermen settled, they surely did not know that. And, who’s to say what thing we are doing today, that’ll have such an important impact in the future. I mean, apart from wars and pollution, which is very sad, there are things we are doing everyday now, without thinking about, that will become traditions, joyful traditions. Maybe I’ll buy a necklace tomorrow, that my daughter will adore and she’ll want to keep it so much that her son will give it to their girlfriend and it's now a family heirloom. And who knows how many fun stories will be born from this trip, how long this trip will live on, even after we don’t exist anymore. Anyway, sorry, I rambled…”

Colin smiled at her. “I love what you just said, Pen. You can’t decide what will have an impact on the future that much though. But you know… that’s why I travel so much. I… just want to see everything. I want to have a taste of the world, because I’m so small at the end of the day. I am a dot in the middle of the universe, and I want to explore it, to understand it better. To understand humans, and what we are. What motivates us to build giant churches and to establish ourselves in accidented bays, just because it’s pretty. Surely it was survival, but I believe deep down that we always searched for happiness. That’s why I travel, I want to understand what happiness has meant for all these people, so that I know what it means for me. But you know… being here with you, I… understand that I don’t need to understand what happiness feels like for others to know what it feels like for me. Because, you feel like happiness, Pen. I hope you always remember how much of a sunshine you are to me. How much you brighten my days and guide me to get out of my nights”. 

***

“Pen!!! Wait for me!” Colin shouted. 

Pen turned her head, to see Colin had stopped at another ice cream shop. 

“Colin! We have a reservation at 2 pm for the Colosseum!” 

“I know! But… Please, I… love those ice creams so much! Hibiscus is not in every store! Plus, you have to taste it!”

Penelope smiled. She loved how happy he was to share things with her. And, to be frank, she loved ice cream. They’ll be late, and that’s ok. You can’t control everything right? 

***

“Colin…” Penelope said, amused but over it. “We can’t adopt this baby orange cat, just because it looks cute!” 

“But… It’s all alone!”

“It lives at the top of the Vittorio Emmanuel Monument, it probably is the restaurant’s cat! Come on, let’s go up to look at the view! You have a wonderful angle up top to see to Colloseum, Marissa from @RealItaly said on Instagram!”

Colin grumbled “Pfff, Ok… But tonight, we're going to a nice restaurant, ok?”

Pen laughed “We have been here for 4 days and we skipped eating out at a restaurant only once, to go to a cooking class!” 

Colin answered her, still pouting before grabbing her hand and sending love shivers down her spine “Ok…But I want Amatriciana pasta tonight…”

***

“Pen!” Colin whispered.

She hummed at him. He hugged her from behind while she was looking at Apollo and Daphne's from Bernini. She was trying to take a picture. The touch of his arms on her was electric and she wanted to kiss him on the spot. He angled her arm higher and turned a phone slightly to the right. 

“That way you are capturing the hair entirely. Plus, there’s a ray of light here hitting her face!”

She blushed. He really knew his stuff. “Thank you Colin”. 

He added, very softly “Don’t worry… I love helping you and touching you so…”

***

“Colin! Wait for me!” Pen exclaimed while she took a 4th picture of the nave. 

Colin smiled and waited, caressing her arm softly and offering to take her backpack. They exited Saint Peter’s basilica just after that and Penelope was still blown away by the size and the beauty of this place. Colin had been here before but he seemed as excited as her. He had said that watching her experience Rome for the first time felt like he was as well. 

“I have an idea, Pen!” Colin exclaimed while he pointed at the Vatican Post Office. “Let’s send a letter to each other! It’ll be fun to have the Vatican stamp!” 

Penelope smiled, “I would love to, Colin!”

She chose a postcard of an artwork and she simply wrote, “I loved this so much. Thank you for everything Colin. Penelope, with love (for you).” 

Colin tried to look at what she wrote but she pushed him away playfully “No peeking!”

And then he kissed her, so simply. As if it was natural. As if, she was his girlfriend.  

“Pen?” Colin said, while she was finishing up sending her postcard. 

“Yes?”

“Let’s go to Paris next. Let’s take our train trip across France. I… just don’t want this trip to end. It’s so perfect.”

“I don’t either, Colin, never. Thank you for making it “more simple” even though it’s still so exceptional.  Everything is exceptional with you.”

She decided right then and there that she would ask him to be her boyfriend. In Paris. Because deep down she knew that this past week, she had already become his girlfriend. The dynamic had changed but they had not spoken about it yet.

It was little things; like kisses and holding hands, playing more games together, being better friends than before. Meaningful gifts. From the two of them. Having sex but differently, more lovingly, taking even more time even if it meant having it less regularly. But it was better in every way, he knew her body now, so much more.

Penelope wanted to ask him officially to be her boyfriend. To be sure, to put her mind even more at peace. She was almost certain he'd say yes. But she wanted to wait for Paris.

Parce qu’à Paris tout est possible.

Chapter Text

Penelope yawned. 

She was sitting in the seat next to him in the TGV between Milan and Paris. It had been lovely outside, especially around the Alps, but right now, Colin could only see the dark night with a few sprinkled stars. It felt magical, sure, but mainly because he was with her.

Penelope Featherington, the woman he loved. The woman who had been his sugar baby and was now his girlfriend. 

Calling her his girlfriend felt right because that’s what they were, right? After Rome? and Milan? They had not actually said it yet, but it was obvious, no?

Penelope had insisted on taking their time and so, they had taken the train. 

To be quite honest, Colin was not used to this. To the slower approach of the journey because he had always travelled in a fancy and extravagant way. He would mainly fly to places; it was quick, it was a way to escape almost immediately. And to be honest, what Colin loved was the dépaysement, as the French say. The act of feeling taken out of your own country. Decountryfying? God, the French were weird, even if weirdly poetic. For him the transport had always been a means to an end. 

But today, taking the train with her, like this, moving slower, being around people, felt… better. He finally understood it. Why people liked the train so much. 

The people, mostly French and Italians, were quiet, despite the clichés about lively people from Southern Europe. It was as if the train was supposed to be a library. Still, he saw how their eyes lit up when they saw Penelope and him, hand in hand, in love. A couple smiled at them and a grandma, who seemed to speak no English at all, winked at him when he grabbed Pen’s waist gently. 

From Milan to Paris, the train took 7 hours and he had thought that it would be way too long, but spending the day just cuddling with her, reading, doing crosswords, playing Mario Kart and working for a little bit was… just so perfect. She was perfect. She was his. 

He felt guilty about the possessiveness but… she really was the prize, the woman, the most beautiful person in the world, inside and out. 

He had called up Anthony, who played the right cards for them to get a room at Hôtel Meurice, one of the Parisian palaces, the highest distinction of hotels in France, even better than a 5 star-hotel. Its view overlooked the Tuileries Garden, the Eiffel tower and the Orsay Museum. Their restaurant was managed by one of his favorite chefs, Alain Ducasse. He could not wait for the meal that he booked for tonight.

He knew she wanted simplicity but this was the trip where they properly fell in love and he wanted to end it appropriately. He had asked her and she had agreed. Because they both understood that this was the end of their trip. 

Colin wanted to keep going; initially to go East, maybe to Vienna or Prague, very romantic cities. 

However, Penelope needed to go back to the UK. She wanted to find a job, even if she had needed this well deserved vacation. And she needed to search for it at home. 

Penelope also wanted to go back to her gynecologist because she was not sure that her pill was working for her. It was making her more anxious and, even if Colin was absolutely disagreeing with it, she thought that it had made her gain a bit of weight. He thought that the idea was completely ridiculous and false but she seemed quite insecure about it.

Colin wished that she could see that she had not changed and that even if that was the case, he would not care. Because she was not just her body. Not at all. He loved her mind, he loved her kindness, her bravery and her softness.

He wished that he could find the right words to tell her, to reassure her even more. He had tried, but it did not feel like it was enough. He wanted to say “I love you”, but he did not want to be chaotic again; he wanted to take his time, to wait for her. 

He was waiting for Paris. The dinner tonight was a surprise. And he’d say that he loved her there. Properly. He had prepared a speech and all. 

His heart missed a beat when the train announcer called up “Paris, Gare de Lyon”. He would confess in a couple of hours, it was exciting. He could not wait. It had been excruciating in Italy. 

Paris was indescribable. The lights, the architecture, the softness, the romance that transpired. But it was also colorful, exciting and it felt so alive. The people that walked too quickly on the pavements, the students that kissed in the middle of the train station, the elderly lady that was out at 9 pm with her dog, the parents and their three kids who they were desperately trying to get to sleep in their carry-ons… 

Paris was not just its landmarks; it was also its people, all these cultures, all these dreams and hopes, all these love stories in their beginning, their middle or their end. 

Colin had called up a taxi outside of Gare de Lyon and soon enough, all their suitcases (or the ones that he had not already sent up to London through a courier service) were neatly packed away in the trunk. 

The taxi driver presented himself with a big smile. 

“Hello, I am Yannick! Welcome to Paris!! Are you from ze Uk?” He had a strong French accent and seemed very nice. 

“Yes we are! I’m Colin and that’s Penelope, my girlfriend!” he answered without thinking. They had not said it officially but it was true, no? 

He felt Pen tense up against his fingers and she looked at him as if he had just committed perjury. In shock. 

But before she could say anything Yannick (thank god) responded back to him. 

“Ohlala! Les amoureux! Zat’s very cool! Vere are we going?” he said, while calibrating his GPS system. 

“Hôtel Meurice” 

Yannick whistled. 

“Ohlala, Miss Penelope! He must really love you! Zat’s ze best Hôtel in Paris!” 

Colin blushed and looked at her. She was still in shock, but she closed her fingers on his again and he smiled at her while nodding. He tried to say with his eyes “It’s true, I love you. I don’t treat you like a princess as on obligation or because of a contract, but because I love you. I’ve loved you, I love you and I will love you forever’”. The speech he had rehearsed a hundred times in his head, the one he was going to say out loud in mere minutes now.

Penelope blushed, too. She answered Yannick, but she was really answering Colin. “I don’t know, but I really love him”. An electrical and fuzzy feeling took over his entire body, his hand felt like it was on fire under her touch. 

“Can I put on some music? I’m old school but I sink zat’s appropriate!” the taxi driver said, smiling wide. 

Colin was not listening to him, not really. He was looking at her. He was looking at her beautiful blue eyes and her shiny aura. He whispered “I love you” and she whispered back “me too”. He had not been able to wait, so close to his goal, but he still had his speech. And this moment was magic too because it was spontaneous. It felt like them. 

An old voice came out of the radio. It was a beautiful ballad, the singer had a deep voice and Colin did not understand the lyrics but felt the intensity in his bones. He just caught one lyric that made him want to cry, because it felt like them. Because in the end they were in love. Just in love. Despite everything. Jacques Brel (he now remembered this old belgian singer’s name) was singing: 

“Quand on n'a que l'amour 

Mon amour toi et moi 

 Pour qu'éclatent de joie

Chaque heure et chaque jour 

 Quand on n'a que l'amour 

 Pour vivre nos promesses

 Sans nulle autre richesse 

Que d'y croire toujours”

Penelope locked her eyes with him and whispered “I love this song, it’s very beautiful”. Colin whispered back “Me too. Especially this line: When you only have love to live our promises without any other riches. I love you. I just love you. And this song, it’s a love song for sure but it’s also a love song to the world… And I want to love the world with you”. 

The rest of the taxi ride was uneventful,  they looked at the Seine and the shiny Eiffel Tower in the background, her head neatly niched on his shoulder.

They arrived at the hotel and Pen was still a bit troubled. 

“Are you okay Penelope?” he said to her, with worry in his eyes, while the personnel of the hotel were taking care of their luggage.

“I am… It’s just, I need to get used to this new normal. That my simple and your simple might not be the same… You said that it was not too extravagant but… this feels like I’m stepping into a 1890’s dream!”

Colin grinned and chuckled. “I know, but you’ll see that despite this hotel, I… did not plan for extravagance my dear… just… we have a reservation at the restaurant of the hotel, we better get going soon”. 

The restaurant was very extravagant. Shit, Colin had not realized how pretty this hotel actually was.

They sat at their table and the server arrived promptly, giving them the menu.

“Why… does my menu have no price?” Penelope asked Colin. 

“Oh, it’s this old, hmm, sexist thing those restaurants do, I have the price. But… please don’t worry about the price my dear, it’s our last big thing…”. 

Colin was very nervous. The pair was speechless for once, which was very unlike them. They would always joke around, play little games or gossip. And now, they were silence. 

The server came with the wine and Colin tasted it, approving it. Thank god, he needed a bit of a boost. 

“Pen?” He asked, while she was quietly tasting her appetizer, a vegetarian meal that looked very good. 

“Yes, Colin?”. Her voice was trembling. Good, she was also anxious, he was not completely aloof. 

“I… I need to tell you something…” He had rehearsed a whole speech but the words could not come out. He forgot all about it. She was so pretty. She had put up her hair in a curly bun and had changed into one of the dresses he bought her (god, he had bought so many dresses for her, but this one, was the most beautiful one). This one was from Dôen, it was long and flowy, with green and blue flowers and was highlighting with care her bust and her waist. She looked like a fairy princess. 

“Yes…” she answered, looking him in the eyes. 

“I… I love you. I love you so damn much Penelope. I love everything about you. I love our shared jokes, I love the softness of your voice, I love your endless bravery, I love how pretty you are, how womanly. I love everything about you. Really. I feel like I’m in a dream and I don’t want to wake up from it. Please. I love you. I love you. I love you. I’ve wanted to say it for weeks, it has been excruciating to wait to say it but I wanted to be less… chaotic. But I love you. I’ve loved you for a while now. I’ve loved you for years. And I will love you forever”. 

Pen looked at him with a glint of a tear in her eye but she smiled wide. 

“I love you too Colin. I love how chaotic you are. I could not… I would not want for you to change. You are so… full of life. So full of love. It’s… so calming. I love your positivity. I love your excitement. I love you. I just love you so much. I’ve loved you since we were so young. It has always been a constant in my life, a little song at the back of my head. But now… It’s a full blown opera and I adore it. I love you. You… are so handsome too. I don’t know if I’ve said it enough. But you are so beautiful, and not just your body. But everything about you. The freckles on your nose, the little mark under your eye, the scar on your knee. Your heart and your kindness. Your generosity.  I love you Colin. And I would love to be your girlfriend, if you want me to be”. 

“Weren’t you already my girlfriend?” 

Pen let out a laugh. He joined her in it. It was so beautifully simple. Even if they were in one of the most luxurious places on earth. 

***

“Hey!!!! This is my fry! Penelope Featherington, you minx!” 

They were sitting in a garden off the rue des Rosiers, eating a falafel with fries. The flowers were full in bloom and they were other couples like them, tangled up, in love. Happy. The past week in Paris, had been straight out of a movie, a mix of simple things, museums, métros and of extravagant meals at the top of the Eiffel Tower. 

“But it tastes better if it comes from you!” She answered. 

He looked at her, and wiped off a bit of cream that she had on the cheek. 

“God, you’re so pretty Pen… I want to look at you everyday…” 

“It’s a good thing I’m your girlfriend then…”

“Yes… but… In London… We will not see each other every day… You live SO FAR from me” he said, touching her arm softly. He was genuinely upset. 

“We could… move in together? Your place is so big already and I’m sure Alice will have no trouble finding a new roommate”. 

He burst with joy and let out a squeal, lounging in to cuddle her. 

“Yes, absolutely yes”

***

“So, this piece, it’s from my favorite artist actually…” Colin said in her ear. 

Penelope looked confused, they were in the elevator in Musée d’Orsay. It made no sense. 

“What do you mean? Do you have a kink for elevator machinery?”

“No… Pen, you’re my favorite artist. That’s why I love to treat you so much, I love seeing you elevate your beauty…” 

Pen laughed “God, you’re cheesy Colin… And babe, an elevator pun, really?” 

He laughed. They really were unserious. 

***

They were in the middle of Montmartre when Penelope got a call. It felt serious. When she took it, she whispered it would take a while. He did not know what to do and she seemed so tense. So stressed. 

He went next door to buy them croissants. 

When he came back she was already off the phone. 

“Is everything okay Pen?” he said, giving her the croissant. 

“Oh thank you Col’... Umm it was Agatha Danbury?” 

“What ??? THE Agatha Danbury? Of Danbury Publishing?”

“Yes… she… just offered me a job… apparently I… saved them for a big disaster before I left because I retrieved a manuscript that my manager was throwing away… It was from a very big author under a pen-name. And… yeah, they want me. She said that she’ll find the budget somehow… but if I want I have a job”. 

His eyes opened and he ran to hug her, lifting her in the air slightly. 

“That’s wonderful Pen! Do you want the job?”

“I do, I really, really do.”

“I’m so proud of you!!! Soon, you’ll be my sugar mama.” 

“Ahahah, you big idiot!”

***

Penelope was lying in the bed. The very comfortable bed. She was a sight. A landmark, even. 

“I want to make love to you”, he whispered.

“I want to make love to you, too,” she answered him, before kissing him more passionately than he thought was possible. 

He kissed her neck, then her breasts and he caressed her softly until she moaned. She was replicating it, her hands lingering on his muscled chest. She was smiling and she looked so pretty. His girlfriend. 

“I want you inside of me,” she said softly. It was not usual that she would ask for that. He knew it could hurt, but lately he had found a position where it did not. And it was wonderful, it was so soft, so lovely. It was passionate, sure, but it felt like returning home. It felt like an extension of their lazy morning cuddling. And it was better than any other sex he ever had. Because it was so gentle… It was true lovemaking. 

He smiled at her, and began to slowly move inside her,  looking into her eyes, feeling so close to her. He could feel everything, he could smell her sweet scent, he could hear her exhales of pleasure. It was maddening. 

Soon, she moved quicker under his slow hip thrusts and she moaned louder.

He touched her again, to help her. 

It was perfect. 

She came at the same time as he did.

“I love you” she whispered in his ear and he said “me too”, softly.  

***

“I don’t want to leave Paris”, Penelope said while sitting in the international salon in Gare du Nord. 

“Me neither, Pen…”

“I… I am scared of what people will say…”, she let out, fidgeting with her passport. 

“You should not be Pen. They’ll be happy”, he answered, enveloping her. She smelled so good, god.

“But… What will we tell them? That we had a financial agreement? That we were fuck buddies? … God…”. He did not want her to panic, so he kissed her forehead and he hugged her even more. 

“We will tell them that we fell in love at our own pace and that sharing time together abroad made us realize we wanted to be together for real! It’s the truth, and way more palatable for our mothers”. He grinned. “They don’t need to know how you acquired this Prada bag”. 

Pen laughed “God Colin…”

Colin added “Sometimes I think it’s a shame that you can’t put these skills on your resume”. 

Pen faked shock “Colin! You perv’!”

He laughed and kissed her “But you know… I don’t think I need to be your sugar daddy to give you things, to shower you with love. If you’ll let me, while being as mindful as possible, can I keep on gifting you things? I… It’s just how I show my love for you, you know?”

Pen smiled “Yes my love. But… Please, only ethically sourced, ok? And I’ll gift you things too now that I have a job!”. 

He chuckled “I was an ethical sugar daddy, I’ll be an ethical boyfriend, don’t worry”. 

***

The transition to living in London was actually quite easy. Colin had thought that maybe they would once again both panic but… they did not. They thrived actually. They quickly figured out how to move in together while Penelope was negotiating her salary and her working conditions with Danbury Publications. 

Colin was changed by this trip. Not only due to the realization of his undying love for Penelope but also because he had a revelation about his habits, about his life. It did not align with his values anymore. What was the point of always moving like this to not really enjoy the places? What was the point in only going to fancy places and not enjoying all the rest a city has to offer? 

He had changed before the trip surely, he had always travelled to discover and to quench his passion of photography and novelty. But he wanted to change even more, to get off the beaten path and to really travel. 

And to really travel, he discovered, he had to actually enjoy the going to places part, the transportation. It was not a means to an end. It was part of the experience. 

Influencing also left a bad taste in his mouth sometimes. Promoting hotels that were only available for the 1%? Killing himself at the gym to have the perfect body when what he really liked was hiking and collective sports? Working with brands he was not sure were very ethical? 

He needed to change what he was doing. To be proud of himself. Really proud. And to really honour the legacy of his grandfather, who would be happy to see him go out of his comfort zone. And capture a reality that was more truthful to the heart of the people and the places he visited. 

That evening, Pen and him were comfortably settled on his couch watching a documentary about Pompeii. It was wonderful to just be with her, to just enjoy her presence. 

Pen raised her head at one point: “Oh, that’s our house, baby!” 

Colin laughed “Yes! Oh by the way sweetheart… I picked up the mail when we got home but then we got straight to cooking and I forgot to tell you!”

Pen answered “And? Have we received our postcards?”

Colin “Yes, we did!! Let me grab them!” 

Penelope smiled wide at him. She was excited. He was too. 

“Okay, read mine and I’ll read yours!” Pen exclaimed while pausing the documentary. 

Colin smiled at the art. It was one of his favorites from the Vatican museum. He turned it, anxiously looking at her face who was already deeply invested in his words. 

“I loved this so much. Thank you for everything Colin. Penelope, with love (for you)”. 

Penelope laughed “My god, Colin! You really are down bad for me!” 

Colin joined her “Babe, your postcard is also very sweet. And I love you too” 

She blushed while continuing cackling “Yes, I’m sweet but I did not write Hello my dear Pen, this trip has been my favorite ever, maybe those days have been my favorite ever too? I love everything about this adventure: our laughs, our kisses, our contemplative staring at art that we both don’t really understand. Anyway, I hope I’ll have the guts to say it before you read this postcard but I love you. I plan to tell you in Paris. If I did not, well… Something terrible happened to me and in that case, I’m sorry? Wow I’m rambling. Anyway, I love you Pen. Forever. And the best part, signed, Colin your ethical sugar daddy or your boyfriend I guess now? (at least I hope)” 

He laughed at himself. God, he really was chaotic. 

Pen whispered “Well, I’m glad nothing terrible happened to you! But, yeah, I love you too, my boyfriend I guess now, at least he hopes.”  

***

One month later 

Their house was beautiful. Penelope had added her own touches to everything he owned and it felt like a home now. Like a peaceful place. She had hung some of her art, brought up colorful pillows to his way too comically “rich bachelor pad” apartment. It felt lively, it felt lovely. 

Tonight was their official housewarming party, and a lot of their friends and his siblings were coming. 

First was Eloise, who promised to help set up even though Colin had said he could pay for staff. She sprinted to hug Penelope, not even bothering to greet him. 

“Hello my dear sister, how are you?” He asked with a bit of snark.

“Oh hi, dear brother, you are here too, it’s true,” she answered, blowing her tongue at him. 

Penelope laughed. “Sorry Colin! I think your sister might be displeased with you stealing away her best friend”. She got closer to him and kissed his cheek.

“I still can’t believe this all started because Two Hot Takes recorded your reddit post on their podcast. We should probably send a message to Morgan, she’ll be touched to know what happened because of her,” Eloise exclaimed, jokingly while setting up some of the drinks she brought. 

Colin rolled his eyes “Hey, we had kissed before this post ok? This was just… an accelerator? ” 

Eloise answered him, cackling with laughter “Right, before you went to Australia for a surfing camp? And I know, you used my party to make your move!” 

Penelope chimed in “Hey! Stop arguing ! We know that what really pushed us to finally get together was the 1000 pounds Colin sent to say sorry. I still can’t understand why you could not just say sorry?” Eloise laughed with her. 

To be truthful, Colin knew that she needed money and… he hoped to become her sugar daddy not consciously. This comment on reddit that she had made some months ago, really was the catalyst. But he did not want to admit that he was a dog, so he just laughed it off and kissed her on the cheek.

“You deserved peace my love”. 

“You’re both disgusting, damn,”  Eloise said, settling in the living room, now helping Pen with the decoration. 

“Like you’re not with Phil? Hmm?” Colin answered. 

“Blabalablabla, I can’t hear you, ” Eloise said, covering her ears. 

After that came Benedict, who brought some champagne and hugged both Pen and him with the same joy. 

“I’m so glad you finally got together. I knew something was going on between the two of you!” he exclaimed, grinning. Ben knew almost all of the story. They had talked to him about their “arrangement” when he, not very subtly, asked what really went on between the two of them in Italy. 

Penelope answered “Well you knew before Col here so…” 

Colin made a fake shocked face and encircled her, kissing her cheek. “How many times do I have to say sorry?” 

Pen winked at him. “Send me another 1000 pounds and we’ll settle this out once and for all”. 

Anthony and Kate arrived after and they greeted them with joy and advice. They were mostly financial and directed at Pen. “My dear, please, please, please, keep a separate account from him. You never know what happens and you need your independence. Plus, I’m sure you’ll soon get paid more than him. Did I really hear that Agatha already wants to promote you? After three weeks on the job? That’s crazy!”, Kate said, sitting down on their couch with the couple. 

“Oh no, I’m not promoted … I just received a new, very big account and I’ll get a huge percentage of the book’s profits…” 

“Potato Potahto, if you ask me” Anthony chimed in. 

“Plus,” he added “since this big doofus quit the company to go find himself, or whatever, you’ll soon be providing for him!”

“Hey!!!”  Colin retorted. “I did not quit BLC! I took a leave of absence to write a book about trains in France and Italy! I’m doing a partnership with Interrail!” 

Eloise joined the conversation “Ah finally! You’ll stop wasting fuel to go to clubs that all have the same cheesy songs, then?” 

Colin rolled his eyes “Come on El’, that’s so 2023 of me!” 

She answered him “Ok, sorry, to go take pics of your abs in beaches that all look the same, because you don’t dare venture outside of them?” 

He grinned “Well, at least these abs are worth a lot of money and again, I do stuff when I travel! I’m a photographer! I have a blog, I share tips, I share recipes, I share stories… I’m not only a shallow influencer El.” 

Penelope caressed his arm. “Come on, you’re not shallow, we all know that!” she smiled at him. 

Ben intervened, too. “Ahhhh, so that’s why she’ll be the mother of your children, she’s sweeeet”. 

Children were a sore subject for Penelope. A couple of days after they arrived in London, she confessed about her pregnancy scare and the decision that she had made. He totally got it. He wanted children with her, absolutely, but when the right time would come. In like six years or something. It was not as if he had made up an entire life calendar of theirs in his mind (he had). To his credit, though, this calendar was being shared when things were being added with the other person on it. And most of the time, she agreed. 

She agreed on getting married in the next four years (yes, they had already talked about that), on buying two houses; one in London, preferably in Bloomsbury and one in the Napolitan bay. They also had agreed on two dogs when they got the house, and on going on a vacation together at least twice a year, more when Pen’s job allowed it. 

And they agreed on having children, after they had both hit 30. Pen said that she might freeze some eggs, in case the standard way did not work for her. 

It was all going to be good. Sure, they would fight and disagree, they’d face hardships and things that you don’t really recover from. But they’d face it together and learn to mend the difficulties. 

They were each other witnesses to life. Their lives won’t go unnoticed. And they won’t go unloved.

***

One year later

R/Advice 

Update: “I have a crush on my best friend’s brother.”

Hello. Hi. Bonjour. I’m here to update you on what happened this past year with C (now 26). I posted a year ago about how he said to his brother that he would never date me… The post went viral and all…

Well, we are getting married. He asked a month ago and I thought you might all want to know. 

Our relationship did not start "conventionally". We’ve been friends for years, I’ve loved him for every one of them and we entered an unusual contract as I became his sugar baby due to my financial difficulties. But don’t worry it was very ethical, with a lot of boundaries (no) and rules that never went uncrossed (absolutely not). After a very luxurious trip in Italy we realized that we really loved each other and we quickly moved in together. 

I’m working in publishing now and I’m really good at it and my fiancée (eeeeek), just published his book (not under me (even if he is often)). I make money, and let’s just say that the gifts are going both ways now. 

I had also shared my struggle with endometriosis here, and I tried a new pill that did wonders on me. It’s not perfect, especially for my anxiety but I’m getting better at asking for help and I’ve started therapy, actually. 

Well, what else… 

My fiancée hard launched our relationship and we are now internet famous for the right reasons. He’s making a whole series about the wedding, which is going to take place in Ravello, Italy. And no, you’re not invited! (Well maybe Morgan if you want to come?). 

But yeah, life’s good. I hope it stays that way! It’s a very very sweet life. Because I’m his sweetheart and he’s mine.

TLDR: We are getting married, life’s perfect.