Chapter Text
“Bite my tongue, bide my time
Wearing a warning sign
Wait 'til the world is mine
Visions I vandalize
Cold in my kingdom size
Fell for these ocean eyes”
billie eilish - you should see me in a crown
James - Friday
One word: Fuck.
No, actually, five words: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck .
That is James‘ second thought when he wakes in the morning, his first being how perfectly cosy this is. A pleasant tingle rushes through him at the feeling of a cool body pressed against his own, usually too warm. He cracks one eye open to see pale skin and messy curls. Laying in bed beside Reg feels right, not too cold or too hot, just cosy .
He breathes him in and a strong feeling of purple flutters through him. Dark petals, only just plucked from a violet, combined with a hint of lavender and plum notes. Reg is surrounded by lovely purple essences, but beneath the rich, heavy scent of his body, something fresh is lingering. Aquatic, like the smell of cold water smacking against a cliff.
James gets one carefree moment of holding Reg and relishing in the memories of their night together before it all comes crashing down.
He has to leave.
Now .
Before Reg wakes up and James has to make up some lame excuse for having to rush off or worse, not wanting to leave him his phone number or even his Instagram handle.
So, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
What a total and utter clusterfuck.
Carefully, he pulls his arm out from under Reg‘s head and scoots away. As quietly as possible, he slips out of bed and takes his glasses from the nightstand. He looks around the room for his clothes, picks them up piece by piece, and silently gets dressed by the door where he eventually finds his shirt.
Crestfallen, James turns around once more, hand already on the doorknob, to risk a glance at Reg‘s beautiful face. He is sleeping so peacefully, probably not expecting to wake up alone, left behind by the man he shared an amazing night with.
James is a fucking arsehole.
He slowly turns the knob and leaves Reg’s hotel room. Hurrying down the hallway, he checks his phone with no luck. It’s dead. James manages to stay surprisingly calm as he makes his way down the elevator, through the busy lobby and out onto the street. Looking for the next tube station, he struts down the pavement and looks around to find out where he is exactly – the details of his journey here better stay hazy.
At South Kensington , James hops on the Piccadilly line to go home. It is when he takes a seat on the tube, that he truly begins to spiral. How the hell could he hook up with someone he met at the pub, without any qualms about it whatsoever. He has been in a relationship for more than six years , for fuck‘s sake.
The stops rush by and James drowns in the guilt that washes over him again and again.
He has a girlfriend.
A whole life with her and their friends since they were seventeen.
She is the first person he has ever been in love with and only the third he slept with.
Reg is the fourth now.
James rests his arms on his knees and buries his head in his hands, shaking it violently. He has fancied himself many things in the past – a cheater was never, ever one of them.
James and Lily met at boarding school, almost thirteen years ago. They were in the same year and house, therefore together almost all of the time for classes and extracurriculars. School is also where James met some of his best friends, people who are still around to this day, like Sirius, Remus, Peter, Mary and Marlene. The three boys have watched him pining over Lily for fucking years , supporting his sometimes pathetic, sometimes reckless efforts in winning her over.
James had been absolutely obsessed with Lily ever since he first clapped eyes on her. She was beautiful, lovely and witty. She was also never one to give in easily, always staying true to her principles and so bloody sure about who she is and what she wants. He always admired that and loved her for it.
He still does.
They got together in their final year at Hogwarts, one of the most prestigious private schools in Britain. Lily didn’t come from money, but was there on a scholarship. An incredibly intelligent girl with lots of talents, but a fiery temper and a heart of pure gold all the same.
Bile creeps up James' throat and threatens to suffocate him. How could he be so reckless?
James and Lily decided to go to university together, taking Peter with them to Warwick. Remus and Mary went off to Edinburgh and Marlene stayed with Sirius, who jumped between college and university courses, in London. Lily had great aspirations and wanted to study Education, become a teacher to help children and teenagers find their path in life, maybe someday teach at a university herself.
James‘ parents love her like their own, they always have. Effie and Monty didn’t only invite Lily on every family vacation and over for Christmas Dinner for the past few years, but supported all her plans and endeavours. So, when the boys and her were talking about studies, James‘ parents offered to pay for her education.
They went off to uni, dreaming of starting their lives, building their careers and one day starting a family. High ambitions for a couple of eighteen year olds, but all those years down the line, James and Lily are still a happy couple.
Granted, there are ups and downs. But that is the case for every relationship and nothing excuses shagging some bloke from the pub he doesn’t even know.
Except—
It didn’t feel like just shagging.
It didn’t feel like he didn't know Reg.
As if that makes it any better, James!
But it is too late now. Images of the previous night abuse his tormented conscience as he makes the short walk from the tube to his flat. Porcelain skin under his hands, and an angelic face, lustfully distorted, pass before James’ inner eye. He hears a raspy voice that commands him around harshly. He remembers how he loved it nevertheless.
“Good boy.“
Slender legs wrapped around his body. Sharp nails digging in the flesh of his back. Tender touches under a steaming shower. Reg crying out James‘ name. Two naked bodies rolling around in Egyptian cotton sheets, kissing and holding each other.
Stop it.
He is the most pathetic excuse of a man to ever walk this planet. He shudders at the memories of last night. Beautiful, sensational memories that tug at his heartstrings, hurting him. James thinks he experienced something divine, but he deserves to rot in hell.
The torture is not yet over when he walks through the door at home. His best friend and flatmate Sirius is already awake and sitting at the kitchen island, reading today’s newspaper.
Bollocks .
What time is it? James didn’t even think to check when he got out of the hotel or onto the tube. He quickly glances over to the clock on the oven to see it already reads 9:22.
Sirius looks up and studies him curiously through his storm grey eyes, shoving unkempt strands of black hair behind his ears. It reminds him of Reg’s, spilled out like ink on a pillow and soft as silk, and while being the exact same shade, Sirius’ hair is more unruly and dull.
Stop. It.
“Where have you been?“ he muses goodnaturedly. “Over at Lily‘s? You look thoroughly fucked, mate.“
Yeah, well, I am . Just cheated on my girlfriend and fucked around a five star hotel suite all night with some bloke.
James musters all his willpower not to wince at the thought. Of course he can‘t tell Sirius that . They usually boast about telling each other everything, but not even he would ever forgive James for what he did not eight hours ago.
When it takes him a beat too long to answer, his expression probably giving away that something is wrong, Sirius anxiously furrows his brows. “Are you alright? Did something happen?“
“No, mate, ‘course not,“ James forces a smile onto his face. He wracks his brain for something to say, some excuse, mind racing a mile a minute. He could say he has spent the night at Lily‘s, but if Sirius talks to her, Mary, Marlene or Marlene’s girlfriend Dorcas about it, James is done for. He knows for a fact Sirius and Remus stayed home, so eventually, he settles for, “Went to the pub and then to see my parents. Spent the night.“
“Oh, phew, you got me worried there for a minute,“ Sirius demonstratively wipes his forehead with the back of his hand before scrunching up his face again. “But they’re alright?”
“Yes,” James nods his head a tad too hard. Sirius is still watching him, so he clears his throat and hopes to sound cheerful when he continues, “They’re fine and I’m good as well. I just stopped by to look over some accounts for my dad. I got too tired to come all the way home in the end.”
At this, Sirius seems a bit more pleased. “Any plans for today, then?” he asks, taking his steaming coffee mug in his hands and inhaling the scent. “You don’t have class until the afternoon and I’m only meeting my brother for lunch at two.”
“Oh, right,” James mumbles, completely out of it. Sirius’ brother is scheduled to arrive today for Sirius’ vernissage next week. James is endlessly proud of him, having his second art exhibition in Andromeda’s gallery already. His first one nearly sold out which was a huge step from doing mostly commissioned work. “I almost forgot.”
“Ah, don’t worry,” Sirius lifts one hand from his mug and waves it dismissively, but a smile stretches across his face. For weeks, he has been looking forward to seeing his brother again, practically bouncing off the walls for the last three days. He tilts his head to the side and asks again, “So, plans? I wanna have some quality time with him, but you and I could spend the morning together or we could all hang out tonight?”
“Actually, I wanted to head back to bed, didn’t sleep much and got a bit of a headache. Might just leave it at uni for today,“ James mumbles, desperately looking for an out. Which is odd, because Sirius is his favourite person in the world who he never gets sick of, but the prospect of spending his day with him makes James’ stomach churn.
The prospect of spending his day with anyone , to be completely honest.
And technically, his statement is true. He didn’t sleep much and his head is currently pounding. Overflowing with self-loathing thoughts, dangerous memories and shame . James feels so, so ashamed of what he has done.
He ums and errs some more, before shuffling across their kitchen and living area towards the stairs. Before he reaches the top step, he calls over his shoulder, “But have fun with your brother, yeah? I’ll meet him tomorrow anyway.”
“Alright, mate?“ Sirius‘ voice comes out questioningly at James’ strange behaviour, but he doesn’t push and lets him hurry off.
Closing his bedroom door behind him, James releases a deep sigh. If he can’t even keep it together in front of Sirius, what would have happened if Lily had been here?
James can’t help it.
Despite both their parents' constant prying, he is very grateful not to be living with her just yet. After returning to London, they didn't see the need, as the girls had all found a beautiful flat in Kentish Town together, and this also allowed James, Sirius, and Remus to fulfil their wish of owning a place together.
On top of that, James can now panic in peace without having to concoct more elaborate excuses for his overnight absence. He either comes clean about his disgusting behaviour which will hurt everyone he loves and destroy his relationship to top it all off, or he gets a grip and never breathes word of what happened, keeping it all the way it is now.
James leans back against the door and runs an exhausted hand down his face.
Well, there isn’t much to do about it now, is there? It was a one night stand and it will never happen again, that he is sure of. So, why fret over this and risk ruining everything he holds dear? It is not worth it. James will get a grip and forget last night.
It was just a horrible mistake.
A mistake he strangely can’t bring himself to regret. Which is not to say he would ever condone cheating, in any form or fashion. But what he did with Reg – touching him, kissing him – didn’t feel wrong or bad, like something dirty that deserves to be swept under the rug and forgotten. Sleeping with him felt good .
James really is an awful person.
He crosses his room, draws the curtains shut and throws himself on the bed. He doesn’t bother plugging his phone in, pulls the blanket all the way over his head and squeezes his eyes shut. Despite his feelings, what he did was wrong and can never happen again. It is not like he will ever see Reg again.
James doesn’t even know his full name.
✦
Saturday
James got off pretty easy on Friday. Sirius and Remus didn’t bother him about his headache again, agreeing he had to be in good shape for today. Lily also had been content to leave him be. Once James got his phone back on, he saw she had texted around four times and called twice, but her last message already said how she had contacted Sirius who quickly confirmed that James was alive and well at home.
He hadn’t showered again before going to class. James had told himself he was still feeling too awful and tired to do it. What he wouldn’t acknowledge was the fact that the thought of washing away Reg’s scent made his skin crawl.
Either way, James made it through the day and to Saturday without any major errors. He mostly ignored everyone, shoved his thoughts and feelings to the back of his mind and slept a full ten hours, determined to simply move on from it.
So, around seven on Saturday evening, he is getting ready for the great Sibling Soiree , as Sirius calls it. To celebrate that his brother has finally come home to visit him again and support him at the opening of his art exhibition. To others it might sound ridiculous, throwing a party for a simple family visit, but a) Sirius and his friends are always looking for reasons to get pissed and act out, and b) the brothers really deserve some celebrations. James has heard about plenty of drama within the Black family over the last ten or so years. And after everything Sirius and Regulus have been through, it is heart-warming to know that they still love each other and constantly work on their relationship.
For his outfit, James picks black slacks and combines them with a matching belt as well as a short-sleeved knitted shirt, light red and with big, brown buttons, most of which he leaves undone. Dorcas got it for him as a souvenir on her Ibiza trip with Marlene last year and Lily says it perfectly compliments James’ skin tone. He puts some product into his hair, tugging his messy strands into shape.
Music is already blasting through the flat when James leaves his bedroom to make his way down the stairs. They descend from a gallery that overlooks the living area of James, Sirius and Remus’ home. It has an open floor plan, combining the cosy seating and wide dining area with a spacious kitchen near the entrance. Separated are only two upstairs rooms as well as a small hallway downstairs which leads to the primary bathroom as well as Sirius and Remus’ bedroom.
Through the floor-to-ceiling windows that line the opposite wall, James can see Lily and Mary on the balcony. They are fighting with a bundle of tangled fairy lights while Dorcas and Marlene are standing next to them, smoking and possibly offering unsolicited advice.
Their friends have spent all afternoon at the flat helping the boys prepare snacks and drinks, scatter them around and put some decorations up. Peter still had work, but he will join the party later on. Frank and Alice should also be here soon, usually the first ones to arrive at any gathering and always bringing even more food with them.
Predictably, James had felt terrible upon seeing Lily today. She had come up to him, wrapped her arms around his waist and regarded him. That emerald colour of her eyes burning holes into James’ body, making him want to squirm. He had wondered then, if she could read all his wrong-doings on his face, see it in his eyes and send him packing.
But James had played it cool, all his demons hidden behind his signature grin, and pulled her close to kiss her sweetly on the lips. Lily hadn't even hesitated and had happily kissed him back, oblivious to James’ inner turmoil. Somehow that had made his heart sink, as absurd as it may be.
When he hears a particularly frustrated huff, followed by some giggling, James walks over to the balcony, pokes his head through the door and asks the girls, “Do you need any help?”
“No!” Mary and Lily shout and swivel their heads in perfect sync, clearly exasperated, with Dorcas and Marlene cackling beside them. They are both wearing short dresses, though Dorcas’ is made of linen with a floral pattern, whereas Marlene’s body is hugged tightly by a faux leather one in black.
James raises his arms in surrender, “Sorry!”
“Make yourself useful and cut up a few lemons and cucumbers for the drinks,” Marlene provides, sunglasses on her nose and lighting another cigarette.
“Alright, boss.” James salutes her and walks back inside.
He has managed to slice open four lemons and is halfway through his cucumber when Sirius and Remus reemerge from their room, looking every bit the stunning couple they are. Sirius chose a kind of two piece: a black denim shirt that hugs his muscular arms as well as black jeans with a loose fit. Remus went for beige trousers and a mud green slipover, leaving his arms bare and showing off his many patchwork tattoos.
“What are the girls up to?” Remus asks, jerking his head towards them.
“Fighting with the fairy lights Sirius violently stuffed into the box in January,” James answers, pointing an accusatory knife at his friend, “when he couldn’t be arsed to roll them up neatly.”
“Fuck,” Sirius huffs, looking sheepish and scratching his neck. “Had completely forgotten about them. Should I go help the girls out?”
“Looks like they’ve figured it out,” Remus calls from the window where he is already fiddling with their sound system. “Maybe make some drinks for Lily and Mary to apologise.”
“Great idea,” Sirius agrees and scrambles over to the fridge, pulling out some ice and liquor.
“I’m so pumped for Reggie to meet everyone,” he continues as he and James start working side by side at the kitchen counter. “Of course he has already seen our school friends once or twice but I don’t think he ever met Frank and Alice. Oh my god, he is going to love Dorcas!”
Reggie .
Sirius has called his brother by this nickname thousands of times. Why does it make James feel uneasy all of a sudden?
“I can’t believe I never properly met him since we graduated Hogwarts,” James points out, neatly organising the lemon and cucumber pieces on two separate boards. Sirius nicks a few of them.
“Right?” he exclaims. “I mean, sure, you fucked off to Warwick and weren’t here whenever he came to visit me during his time at university. It’s still strange.” He thinks about it for a moment, straw hovering over the first drink, and adds, “But I mean, of course– afterwards, he went around the whole fucking world and you came back here. Silly coincidences, I’d say.”
Around the whole world?
Yes, because Sirius’ brother travelled a lot to learn more about their parents’ business.
But it can’t have been him. Or can it?
No. Because the– incident happened on Thursday night. And Sirius’ brother only arrived in London yesterday. A coincidence, nothing more.
James shrugs his thoughts off, “Yeah, probably. I think I saw him leave your flat once when I came home from uni in second year.”
“But tonight you’ll really get to know him,” Sirius states and amicably slaps James’ shoulder. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to provide our women with some drinks.”
Glasses in his hands, Sirius struts over to the balcony to offer Lily and Mary homemade G&Ts for their efforts. Remus is already outside, joining Marlene and Dorcas in smoking their umpteenth fag.
It takes not long after that for the party to get going. The seven of them stand around the balcony, drinking and smoking until more people arrive. James is a dedicated company-smoker. Normally he wouldn’t buy himself fags, but when it comes to drinking and partying, he’s the first to light one up.
As expected, Frank and Alice are the first to join the friends, bringing beers and homemade brownies with them. Emmeline, who Dorcas knows from work at Selfridges, bounds into the flat not twenty minutes after them, her new partner Ariel in tow.
While their usual party playlist fills the living room – lovingly put together and regularly updated by Remus – Sirius and James mix drinks for their friends and hand them around. Peter arrives a little later than usual, only because he’s had a weekend shit at the laboratory and picked up Hestia and Florence on his way, some of the friends they made at the pub.
Ludo, funny bloke James knows from uni sport, comes bearing more alcohol and Amelia, another artist Sirius met at the gallery, comes alongside her brother Edgar who all of them have practically adopted by now as well. Eventually, Gideon and Fabian – twins and absolute menaces who have outdone even James and Sirius’ antics at some occasions – are the last ones of their expected guests to enter the flat.
Except for Sirius’ brother.
“Probably just wants to make a great entrance, the little shit,” he quips, leaning on the kitchen island, a beer dangling from his fingers when James wonders if this is odd for Regulus. “He told me more work could always come up, but he knows he is our guest of honour and makes everyone wait for him.”
“Oh, well,” James retorts, “if he's anything like you, this only seems fitting.”
Sirius barks a laugh at that and James turns towards where they have pushed their dining table against the wall to make room for people to dance behind the sitting area. Peter is twirling Mary around, making her giggle with his silly moves. Fabian and Hestia are standing close together by the table, and he is no doubt trying to chat her up – again . The others are scattered all over the place, also dancing or lounging around the sofas like Lily and Dorcas who are talking animatedly. Some are standing outside, smoking as the sky behind them bleeds over into pink and orange from the setting sun. James spots Amelia clutching her sides from laughing so hard at something Florence has said.
James decides to join in on Peter and Mary’s fun. Already two drinks and one shot of tequila into the party, he shimmies his shoulders and moves his hips to the music. When the song changes and Katy Perry’s Dark Horse comes crashing into the living room with its epic intro, Lily and Dorcas throw their hands up and cheer. They all but jump up from the sofa, dashing over to the makeshift dance floor.
Lily has found her usual place in front of James, singing the lyrics into his face. He is yet again grateful for having invested in an exquisite sound system because the heavy bass slowly overtakes his body. Loosens his muscles and empties his head. He places his hands around her waist, dramatically acting the song out with her.
It is a real classic amongst the friend group, so quickly, Alice, Florence and Marlene stumble in from the balcony and Sirius and Remus come over, too, happily bouncing around to the song. They look like a pair of toddlers, holding hands and laughing brightly, eyes fixed on one another. James thinks it is adorable.
“Make me your Aphrodite–”
“Make me your one and only–”
“But don't make me your enemy–”
By the time the song reaches the chorus, the whole group is belting the lyrics on the top of their lungs, some with their heads thrown back, some jumping up and down. Hips and hands swaying around exuberantly to the music when the bass drops. Someone cranks the volume up during the second verse. It gets so loud they almost miss the ring of the doorbell.
“Sirius, mate, the door!” Peter shouts over the song when Juicy J starts rapping his part.
Ring ring.
“On it!” Sirius bellows and rushes over to the intercom. “It’s Regulus!” He turns the handle and waits by the door for his brother to make it up the elevator. The friend group keeps dancing and shouting to the music.
“She ride me like a roller coaster, turn the bedroom into a fair–”
And when the chorus hits them again, a brick hits James square in the face. The person that steps over the threshold is–
Reg .
His indiscretion from two nights ago.
This can’t be.
“So you wanna play with magic. Boy you should know what you’re falling for.”
James’ heart plummets down right to his ankles, the music pumping through his veins. The small crowd is still moving around him, some cheering when the next song begins to eerily fill the air, but James is standing stiff as a board, hands frozen in the back pockets of Lily’s jeans skirt who has her arms loosely draped around his neck, her billowy white blouse flowing with the sways of her body. He stares at the door in shock.
Exactly on the bass drop, Reg– Regulus and James lock eyes across the living area. Realisation dawns on the other man’s face and he lets his gaze drop to where James’ arms are wrapped intimately around his girlfriend. Regulus merely cocks an eyebrow at him before shifting his focus back to Sirius.
Remus has already joined the brothers, greeting Regulus politely and offering to take his belongings from him. Dorcas and Marlene are also already making their way over to the trio.
“James?” Lily’s voice unfreezes him and he looks down to see her frowning at him, confusion clear in her eyes. “Are you alright?”
“Of course,” he presses a fleeting kiss to her forehead, “I just got–”
“Oi, James!” Sirius calls. “Come over to greet Reggie now, will you?”
Reggie .
Black hair, pale skin, a familiar looking face with incredibly bright eyes. The whole reason James approached him at the pub at all. To ask him where he knows him from.
Reggie. Regulus. Reg .
Who the fuck doesn’t make that connection?
James is sure he is going to be sick any moment.
“Sure, mate,” he croaks and untangles himself from Lily awkwardly. “I’ll be right back.”
“Don’t be silly,” she promptly takes his hand and tags him along. “I’ve been wanting to meet Sirius’ brother for forever.”
They approach the brothers, who have moved into the kitchen, and James could swear the room is spinning. This can’t be happening. It just can’t. There he is, hand in hand with his girlfriend, walking over to his best friend and his brother. The brother he thoroughly shagged two nights ago. Without even knowing who he was.
How could he not have known?
And now they are all in one room. Sure, the boys live in a huge flat for London standards. Two floors, two bathrooms and three bedrooms in a great neighbourhood. But right now, it feels as though James, Lily, Sirius and Regulus were all being stuffed into a tiny cupboard.
The liar, the itch and the wardrobe.
“James, Lily, this is my brother, Reggie,” Sirius cheerfully announces and points his hands between the four of them. He turns to look at Regulus and adds, “You know, my best mate and his girlfriend, from school.”
James isn’t sure if he is even breathing anymore.
“Hi, so happy to finally meet you,” Lily beams at him and waves a friendly hand. She usually doesn’t touch people she just met, not wanting to overstep any boundaries.
James is fucking petrified . To be fair, this is Sirius’ brother and if they get along as well as Sirius says, he can’t be a total wanker. But James basically doesn’t know this man. He doesn’t know if he is dramatic or pissed off enough to cause a scene right here and now.
“You too. I‘m Regulus,” he lets his voice drip as sweet as honey and tilts his head in greeting, smiling back at Lily. “I don’t know why my brother insists on this stupid nickname,” he rolls his eyes.
“Come on,” Sirius playfully punches Regulus’ bicep, ”secretly you love it.”
“Not this,” Regulus counters, his eyes shifting away from Lily and landing pointedly on James who wants to break down and cry under the icy stare, but he can’t seem to look away. Regulus is a fucking vision. Clad in black jeans, a black t-shirt, and a chequered, brown cardigan. A chunky, black pearl necklace sits tightly around his neck, looking absolutely breathtaking.
When James still doesn’t say Hello, Lily nudges him with their intertwined hands. “Cat got your tongue, love?”
A muscle on Regulus’ jaw feathers almost imperceptibly, his gaze still fixed on James and his eyebrows raised in expectation.
“Yes– I mean no– Sorry for the bad manners. I might be quite tipsy already,” James lies and extends his left hand to Regulus. The same hand that he wrapped around his body. The same hand that has already been inside Regulus. The same hand that is trembling when Regulus takes it and shakes it, his fingers ever so soft against James’ own.
James definitely needs to get a grip.
“Hey James,” Regulus greets in the same honeysweet voice. “I think we haven’t met since we were children. It must have been more than–”
“–Eight years?” James continues, still holding on to Regulus’ hand.
“At least,” Regulus draws and drops the handshake.
It is true, the incident notwithstanding. Regulus and James haven’t properly met since before Sirius ran away from home at sixteen. Once or twice, all three boys met during summer holidays or back when Regulus was really young and their mother took him with her to Hogwarts whenever she picked Sirius up at the end of term.
He didn’t end up joining his brother there, because Regulus has always been rather gifted in languages, or something. The Blacks sent him to a special, international boarding school in France where he was particularly fostered in his talents.
James can’t wrap his head around the fact that he couldn’t immediately place him on Thursday. He has seen photos of Regulus, heard stories about him, met him as a child. But the lanky, shy preteen from almost a decade ago doesn’t match the man standing in front of him. Doesn’t match the man he met on Thursday.
Charming, witty, seductive, beautiful.
Had James been willingly oblivious to the fact that he might know this man already in favour of getting to know him? Getting to kiss him and take him to bed?
Oh, he wants the earth to open up and swallow him whole.
“Yeah, sounds about right,” Sirius muses, breaking off their weird staring match and causing both men to swivel their heads towards him. “But tonight,” he declares proudly, producing four shot glasses from somewhere behind him, “we’re all getting shitfaced and you’ll become the best of friends!”
James only manages to chuckle weakly before sinking the tequila, salt and lemon be damned.
✦
An hour later, James still isn’t sure whether he is stuck in a nightmare. He indulged in another two tequila shots, though, because whatever. Sirius and Regulus eventually went off, Sirius dragging his brother around the flat, introducing him to his friends and handing him snacks and drinks every few minutes.
James has spent his time nervously running about, busying himself with rummaging around the kitchen, chatting to Gideon and Emmeline as well as making some attempts at dancing again. By now, he is standing on the balcony, looking out at the twinkling city lights and the indigo sky, catching a break to think as the music is booming inside.
James has made the decision to approach Regulus. He has to talk to him. Explain himself, apologise to him and try to save the situation as best as he can.
For Sirius and Lily.
He cannot ruin everything with his awful misstep. Surely, Regulus feels the same. He has to, doesn’t he? Who wants to break their brother‘s heart because they hooked up with someone, not knowing they were friends with him? And in a relationship.
A relationship James didn’t mention to him.
Because he is an absolute twat.
Regardless, they have to talk. Maybe James can convince Regulus to forget about the whole thing and try to be friends. If he manages to catch him alone, that is.
He should probably wait for another occasion, other than a party with almost everyone he knows present. Certainly, Regulus will be around again, he is staying for several weeks after all. Right now, it doesn’t seem like he is planning on dropping the bomb anytime soon.
So, waiting it is. James will wait for the right moment and talk to Regulus.
Reasonably satisfied with his decision, James pushes himself off the balcony railing to head back inside to the party. He is just making his way across the dance floor, eyes scanning the swaying mass of people, when a very hammered Frank comes stumbling into him, flailing his arms around and spilling his drink all over James‘ chest.
Rum and coke. On his favourite shirt.
“Sorry!” Frank yells. “Didn’t see you there, James!”
Despite feeling a spike of irritation, James tries to keep his cool. “Don’t worry, mate.”
“Let me help you,” Frank offers, frantically rubbing James’ chest with his bare hands before he is shaken by a fit of drunken giggles.
James wriggles free and peels Frank’s fingers off his body maybe a bit too harshly, “It’s all good. I’ll just go and wash it out.”
He pushes past him and jogs up the stairs, unbuttoning his shirt and shrugging it off one shoulder, headed for his bathroom on the upper floor.
It was a good compromise they made when he, Sirius and Remus first moved into the flat. James got the upstairs bedroom with the en-suite and they got the one on the lower level, but with more space and a bathroom down the hall. It was the best solution, leaving another room adjoining James’ as their guest room slash home office.
Having plucked the stain remover from the sink cabinet, James drapes his shirt over the sink and wets the fabric. After he has carefully rubbed the product into it, he hangs the shirt over the towel rack and quickly inspects his trousers for any splodges of liquor, too, deems them clean and goes to look for another shirt to wear.
He enters his bedroom when something catches his eye and makes James stop dead in his tracks. Someone else is in the dimly lit room. Legs crossed and face hidden by the shadow, Regulus is sitting on the bed. Did he wait for James?
James sucks in a sharp breath and his heart gives a painful little squeeze before rapidly picking up the pace. From downstairs, he can hear the familiar guitar chords and drums of one of his favourite songs floating up. Not that it would help calm him now.
“Didn’t think I’d see you again so soon,“ Regulus murmurs innocently, tilting his head.
Oh, this won’t go over well.
“Listen Reg— Regulus ,“ James rushes forward, “I have an explanation for this.“
“Do you?“ he absentmindedly smooths out James’ duvet. “Because I bet it’s fascinating to hear.”
“I—,” James should probably have thought harder about how exactly he wants to explain himself. “Listen, first of all, I’m so sorry–”
“For fucking me?” Regulus taunts, chin held high. “Promising start.”
“Yes, I— no, well,“ James sputters, trying desperately not to muck this up. “I’m not sorry about that. I’m sorry about not telling you—” he can’t seem to force the words out of his mouth – pathetic –, so he goes for, “the truth. And leaving you like that yesterday morning.”
Regulus hums. Then he slowly gets up from the bed and adds, “Yeah. I’ll admit this came a bit as a surprise after you moaned my name for hours. But your whole— situation,” he vaguely waves a hand around , “clears things up, doesn’t it?“
He steps a pace towards James.
“Look, Regulus,“ James nervously fidgets with his hands, “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. We— we did have fun, I won’t deny it. But it wasn’t okay. At least on my part. It was a mistake. I’m sorry.“
“Oh, it surely was,“ Regulus coos and takes another step, “and you’re certainly not the first one to make it. But I have to say, I wouldn’t have expected something like this from you ,” he particularly emphasises the last word, as if to scold James.
“Wha—?“ James wants to ask but Regulus closes the distance between them and moves into his personal space, close enough to touch. It feels like the room is suddenly electrically charged, Regulus is too close for James to think clearly. “We don’t even properly know each other.“
“You’re right we don’t,“ Regulus retorts briskly, holding James in place with his stare, “but I’ve heard all about Sirius’ perfect James and his perfect life and his perfect girlfriend. You don’t seem all that perfect to me,“ he leans in and whispers into James’ ear, his breath ghosting the shell, “ naughty boy .“
Involuntarily, goosebumps break out all over James’ bare chest and he has to suppress a full body shudder. What is it about this man?
“Regulus, stop it, please ,” James groans, “I didn’t want to hurt you or anyone else and if I’d have known who you were–” Regulus pulls back to watch James again, “I would never mess with Sirius’ brother. I’m so sorry and you have all right to be angry with me–”
“Who says I’m angry with you?“ Regulus interrupts, voice back to that honeysweet melody. “I did have a great time, didn’t I?”
“You know it’s not about that,” James argues. “I shouldn’t have kept my relationship from you and I don’t know what got into me that night. I’m very sorry and I don’t want to ruin everything now.”
Curious, Regulus furrows his brows. “I wouldn’t want you to ruin anything.”
Hope begins to bloom beneath James’ ribs and he can’t help but blurt out, “So can I trust you don’t want Sirius to find out either?”
At this, a devilish smile spreads across Regulus’ face. It would seem cruel, but his angelic face apparently doesn’t allow for him to look anything other than captivating. He chuckles lowly, “That depends."
“On what?” James exclaims, startled. He worries that Regulus can hear his heart hammering, thrashing against his ribcage.
“Whether you behave,” he teases. Regulus steps impossibly closer and touches James, his fingers trailing up and down James’ arm in a featherlight touch as he blinks up at him.
“For fuck’s sake, Reg.” Incapable of pulling himself away and finding his fingers itching to touch him back, James throws his head back and squeezes his eyes shut for a moment before he whines, “Stop playing with me.”
“I don’t think I will,” Regulus loosely wraps his arms around James’ neck, leaning in and smirking, his lips barely an inch away from James’ own, “because you like it.”
Rationally, James knows it would be better to push Regulus off and leave the room altogether. But his brain is dangerously close to denying him any kind of assistance. Instead, he feels ridiculously turned on by their proximity and Regulus’ attitude. James has to bite down on his lip to keep a needy noise from escaping his mouth and continues to fight his body’s urges.
“We’ll see if I end up telling Sirius,” Regulus continues and runs one hand down James’ body, his other reaching up and carding gently through his hair.
James looks down into his eyes – big mistake.
“Regulus.” It is a desperate plea for mercy. James is unable to think of anything except Regulus’ hands on his body, burning every spot they touch. “I don’t want to screw up. I have a girlfriend. You met her!”
“I don’t fucking care,” Regulus whispers against James’ lips, moves his hand and briefly brushes the front of James’ trousers – making him aware of the very obvious strain in them – before he trails his fingers back up James’ chest, “and neither do you, if you’re honest.”
And James loses. He loses the fight against his body that is frantically crying out to be close to Regulus. He doesn’t know if he ever stood a chance once Regulus decided to corner him up here.
“Fuck,” James whispers and surges forward, grabbing Regulus’ waist and kissing him, so suddenly and hungrily, that the other man staggers back. He quickly recovers and kisses back just as fiercely, one hand pulling on James’ hair, the other clamping down on his exposed shoulder.
Their mouths clash together in a blend of teeth and tongue and Regulus immediately fights for control. He sways into James, starts walking him backwards and pushes them both through the open bathroom door. James lets him. He is helpless at the sheer force of Regulus Black. Regulus is a forbidden fruit and James feels fucking starved.
Regulus kicks the door shut and swivels them around, pushing James back against it. It is messy. Regulus runs his hands greedily up and down James’ chest and James fumbles with Regulus’ cardigan, undoing the buttons and tossing it aside. When he goes to tear at his t-shirt, Regulus distracts him with a wicked twist of James’ pierced nipple. He groans in pleasure and lets his head fall against the door with a dull thud, breaking their kiss.
Instantly, Regulus kisses along his jaw, the underside of it and sucks gently on his neck as he lets his hands drop to James’ trousers to work his belt first, then the buttons and the zipper. Not one word is exchanged between them, only their frantic hands and breathless gasps speaking to each other.
James’ slacks fall to the ground, around his ankles. Dizzily, he notices Regulus kissing down his chest and his stomach, licking his abs and James’ head is full of cotton. His body sings out in pleasure, back arching from the door in pure lust. He doesn’t just want Regulus, he needs him.
When Regulus’ fingers hook in the waistband of his pants, James tilts his head and casts his gaze down. Regulus is already looking at him, eyes hooded and pupils blown, the ocean in them swallowed by the night. His mouth is slightly parted. Without thinking, James extends a hand and pushes it into Regulus’ hair, answering the unspoken question by pulling him closer.
Fabric out of the way, Regulus wastes no time. He tightly grips James’ thigh with his left hand, his length with his right, rubbing him in a few, languid strokes. He slides his thumb over the slit and James’ knees buckle.
Regulus licks a stripe from the base to the tip of James’ cock before closing his mouth around it. At the sight, James bites down hard on his bottom lip to keep from crying out, but some strained sounds tumble out anyway. He eagerly watches how Regulus hollows his cheeks and takes him as far as he can go, slowly and deliberately. James feels Regulus’ throat constrict around him and is ready to crumble to his feet. If it wasn’t for the hands supporting his thighs and his own body being pressed against the door, he would fall down on Regulus’ altar and worship him.
A small noise, a batting of eyelashes and Regulus takes him whole, James’ entire cock disappearing behind his velvety lips. Spit dribbles down Regulus’ chin, tears threaten to spill over and James loses his fucking mind. He is not able to contain the loud moan that fights its way out of him and the shiver wracking his frame. His head hits the door again and he squeezes his eyes shut.
Distantly, he can hear the booming bass of yet another party song, but James is gone, gone, gone . His focus is entirely on the obscene sounds of Regulus sucking him off, choked up slurping noises and stifled groans.
Heat begins to coil low in his stomach and James ducks his head. The sight of Regulus bobbing his head and swallowing James down sends him careening straight to the edge of his own pleasure. His mouth moves sloppy, fast and eager and James feels his orgasm approaching hard and fast, small bolts of lightning shooting down his spine and into his cock.
“Reg, fuck, I–,” he pants, scrambling to find any words of warning, “Love, I’m gonna—”
But this only seems to spur Regulus on as he picks up the pace and curls his fingers around his balls, tugging lightly. His nose all but pressed against James’ stomach.
Something explodes in his loins, behind his eyes and James’ vision whites out. He comes straight down Regulus’ throat who diligently gulps down every drop of his load. James feels delirious upon seeing Regulus looking utterly wrecked. His curls are wild from James holding onto them, his lips swollen and there are tear tracks down his face. He looks incredibly beautiful.
“Shit. That was–” James chuckles breathlessly. “Fucking hell, Regulus.”
Regulus sits back on his heels, wipes his mouth and gazes smugly up at James. “Don’t bother to say thank you.”
Slowly, he pulls James’ pants and trousers back up and tucks everything in place before he shoots to his feet. James smiles at him and is just about to reach out – his hands already extended – to pull him in and kiss Regulus when he stops mid-motion, face falling. Regulus looks down at James’ hands, hovering awkwardly at Regulus’ sides, then back at his face.
For a moment, James believes Regulus’ face hardens. Something happens behind his eye that James can’t place. But after only one heartbeat, it’s gone and Regulus bends down to pick up his cardigan. He swivels around and walks over to the sink, inspecting himself in the mirror.
James stays where he is, frozen in place for the second time this evening. Reality has hit him much quicker, making him realise what he has just done.
Again.
In his home.
His and Sirius’ home.
At a party.
Where Lily is.
His guts clenches and he can feel his face heat up in shame. James had the urge to take Regulus’ face in his hands, to kiss him, perhaps to return the favour. He still has the urge, if he's honest. To curl up in bed with Regulus, caress his body and take care of him.
But he can't. And he doesn't actually want to. James had been determined to forget their night together and never make a mistake like that again. When he reached out to Regulus he remembered Lily and Sirius. He remembered that he loves them both and wouldn’t ever want to cause them pain. He wants to be a partner Lily deserves and is supposed to be creating a life together with her.
And now James has not only jeopardised his own relationship again, he has also risked hurting Reg's feelings. Again .
He opens his mouth to speak, but Regulus cuts his eyes to him through the mirror, his smirk back in place and says, “You go down first. I’ll fix my appearance and wait another five minutes. I already made up an excuse.”
But maybe Regulus doesn’t care as much about the situation as James thought.