Chapter Text
Deep breath in, exhale, repeat.
Shauna stubbed the cigarette, burnt to its very last bit, on the brick windowsill of her dorm room at Brown.
Blow the ash, uncover the smoke alarm, spray some air freshener.
It was a routine that she unfortunately carried out like second nature. Ever since her relationship with Jackie flipped upside down, an occasional cigarette was called for. Tonight’s session was caused by a stupid, incessant thought that Shauna just couldn’t shake.
“You like that too.”
Those words, falling from Jackie’s mouth as a statement rather than a question. So quiet and close to Shauna that the sound waves traveled directly into her ear with no chance of the outside world hearing it.
--
It was their first winter break since starting college, and all of Shauna’s best friends were finally back together. Jackie and Natalie were both at Rutgers, Tai was at Columbia, Lottie was at Wellesley, Shauna was at Brown, and Van was at a local trade school. All six of them enduring another dreadful New Jersey winter, but the excitement to see one another after their first few months apart made it all the worthwhile. Except for Shauna. Things had been left… confusing with Jackie to say the least. Shauna had arrived back to Wiskayok prepared for her and Jackie to mutually keep their distance as best as possible after what went down back in August. The only kink in that plan was that Jackie apparently didn’t have any of the same awkward resentment that Shauna assumed she would, or she was just very good at hiding it.
It was yet another cold, boring night in New Jersey, so the girls all headed to see a movie at the Wiskayok theater. Shauna filed into the row first, making note that Natalie and Taissa were both directly behind her. The issue though with having such a tight knit bond with all these girls meant they all were aware of the duos within the group. Lottie and Nat were partners in crime always off getting into trouble, Tai and Van were constantly caught up in their own little world, and Jackie and Shauna were… well, Jackie and Shauna. So, Natalie knowing that Shauna and Jackie are attached at the hip, left a seat open between her and Shauna just for Jackie. Lovely. Jackie plopped down, reclined her seat, and flashed a quick smile at Shauna. The movie had already started, so thankfully there was no time to chitchat. Shauna tried her best to settle in and block out the blonde to her left, who was somehow seemingly relaxed as ever next to her. Throughout the movie, Jackie tried to share a few casual laughs with Shauna, to which she played along the best she could. Then, the sex scene came. She could hear Van a couple seats down make some wildly offensive joke that sent the other girls into a fit of giggles, and Shauna wished she was getting that experience. Instead, she was stuck watching the scene way too intently with her eyes practically glued to the screen to avoid possible eye contact with Jackie. She watched as the woman on screen took her partner’s fingers to her mouth and sucked them sensually. Shauna was transported back to August so quickly that she forgot she was in the theater.
“Fuck- sorry, uh, I’m sorry.”
“You act like we’ve never kissed before, Shipman.”
“Yeah, uh, I don’t know. It felt… different.”
“It’s ok. I liked it.”
Suddenly all of Shauna’s senses were numb except for the feeling of Jackie’s thumb grazing her bottom lip. She swiped it back and forth, stopping in the middle of her lips on the way back. Jackie lightly pulled on her bottom lip, pushing just the very tip of her thumb in to rest on Shauna’s bottom teeth. Like reflex, Shauna lowered her jaw like an invitation. She wanted Jackie’s hand to attack her in a feral, animalistic way, but she kept her face blank waiting for Jackie to initiate anything more. And she did. Jackie inched her thumb further into her mouth, pressing it onto Shauna’s tongue. The feeling made her tongue flutter, awkwardly dancing around Jackie’s thumb before she wrapped her lips around it and sucked as Jackie pulled it out. Slowly, the thumb was shoved back in and then back out. Jackie swiftly made the switch from her thumb to her index and middle finger, pushing them back through Shauna’s glossy lips. Their eyes stayed glued on one another the entire time.
“You like that too.”
The whisper caused Shauna to finally avert her eyes from the movie, knocking her out of her daydream as well. She didn’t know how to react, or what to say. Jackie stared back at her, hazel eyes blinking in the dim theater light. How could she look so innocent after saying that? As if she had just asked for a handful of popcorn. It was infuriating.
“Hmph,” Shauna exhaled through her nostrils forcefully, flashing a tight-lipped smile for half a second. Both girls turned back to the movie.
--
Now, as Shauna sat at her open window, the cold February air hitting her cheeks, she couldn’t stop thinking about all that had happened in the past six months. Except she couldn’t reflect on the past six months without also reflecting on the past three years.
In January of their sophomore year of high school, Jeff Sadecki asked Jackie to be his girlfriend. In Shauna’s opinion, it was just a stupid ploy to get in Jackie’s pants that turned into a tumultuous three-year relationship. Nonetheless, they had been, according to Jackie, in a happy relationship ever since.
Shauna will never forget the way Jackie bounced down her front steps that morning bearing a huge smile that just barely peeked over her puffy winter coat.
“Shauna, Shauna, Shauna. You will never guess what happened last night!” Jackie beamed as she hopped in the passenger seat of Shauna’s car and tore off her jacket.
“I don’t know, Jax. Fill me in.”
“Jeff Sadecki, yes captain of the baseball team and most popular guy in the tenth grade, asked me, Jackie Taylor, to be his girlfriend last night!”
An unexplainable sting hit Shauna’s chest. She ignored it, knowing she must just be very happy for her friend.
“Oh, Jackie, that’s great!”
“Yeah, and just to prove I’m really his, look what he left me.” Jackie pulled her turtleneck sweater down, revealing a dark purple round mark on her neck.
The sting grew harsher, causing Shauna to choke on whatever words tried to come out.
“I know, kind of gross, huh? But it made him happy. I figured he’d earned it after following me around like a puppy ever since we made out at that party.”
“Yeah, Jax, that’s uh, sweet of you.”
If Shauna could just be honest with herself, that would really be the moment that changed her and Jackie’s relationship. Shauna went from healthy admiration of her best friend to an insanely toxic jealousy the second Jackie and Jeff got together. Shauna wished she could just be happy for Jackie instead of jealous that she would have all her firsts before Shauna. It was just one more thing that Shauna was losing to Jackie at.