Chapter Text
By junior year, despite a couple short-lived breakups, Jeff and Jackie were inseparable. All the time that Jackie used to spend with Shauna was now devoted mainly to Jeff, leaving Shauna with a 20-minute phone call at the end of the day if she was lucky. The best part of Shauna’s day became driving her and Jackie to school, which used to just feel like a monotonous part of her routine. She enjoyed knowing she was the first one that Jackie spoke to in the mornings, something not even Jeff could take away since he lived much too far to drive Jackie himself. She found pleasure in seeing the tired twinge in Jackie’s eyes each morning, the way her face was still slightly puffy after waking up, or how sometimes she hadn’t quite finished doing her makeup before getting in the car. That was the best part. Shauna would study how Jackie applied her gloss so precariously in the sun visor mirror, taking quick glances between her gaze on the road.
It was also around this time that Shauna realized the thoughts she was having about her best friend weren’t so friendly. She had known she liked girls in that way, but she never let her mind explore the possibility of liking Jackie in that way. It wasn’t until Shauna was ranting to Taissa about Jackie and Jeff that she realized the reality of her feelings. Tai clocked it right away, but it didn’t take much convincing to get Shauna on board with the idea.
Unfortunately, Shauna had to just keep those thoughts on the backburner. Jackie was straight, and Shauna couldn’t fathom how horrible Jackie’s reaction would be to knowing that Shauna had thought about her in that way.
So, Shauna just let the jealousy intensify as Jeff took more and more of Jackie away from her. Somehow Jeff was always showing up, swooping in on the pretense of Jackie needing him in some way. Or Jackie would have some excuse to leave early, which Shauna would later find out was to go see Jeff. That was how it was up until high school graduation.
On the night of graduation, Lottie threw a big party for their class. Jackie and Jeff had gone off to hookup in one of the many bedrooms in the Matthews house, but they ended up getting into a huge blowout fight instead. Jackie had mentioned something about how they would make long distance work in college next year, and Jeff basically told her they wouldn’t be together by then anyways. The night ended in Shauna holding Jackie in her backseat until she had cried enough to make herself pass out in Shauna’s arms. Shauna selfishly didn’t want to drag a half-asleep Jackie up the stairs into her bedroom, so they slept in Shauna’s car parked outside Lottie’s house that night. It was cold enough out there for Shauna to make an excuse for continuing to hold Jackie while they slept.
The rest of the summer, Shauna had her Jackie back. It was the best and worst scenario to have right before they’d be leaving each other in August. On one hand, Shauna was ecstatic to finally get all of Jackie’s time just like she used to before Jeff was in the picture. On the other hand, she didn’t dare get too close to Jackie knowing she’d have to lose her all over again in a few months.
Shauna tried her best to keep a slight distance between them, but for the most part they were back to being attached at the hip. Jackie, Shauna, and the rest of the Yellowjackets took that summer as being one last hoorah before they all started their lives outside of being high school soccer players in Wiskayok. They would spend long days in the summer heat cooling off at the lake, basking in the sunlight and listening to some mixtape Natalie had put together. At night, they would drink cheap liquor and smoke weed around a bonfire, or in Lottie’s basement if her dad allowed it.
One night, in the middle of July, Lottie had hosted a small party at her house. It was mostly just the team, with a few plus-ones sprinkled in. Shauna was pissed off with Jackie that night after they got into a little argument at Shauna’s house before the party.
“Can you just stop being so insecure for one minute, Shipman?”
Jackie was perched on Shauna’s bed wearing a low-cut floral sundress that hugged her body in all the right places and fell just above her knees. It was so annoying how perfect she looked all the time without even trying. Her body just looked like that. Her makeup just sat on her skin like that. Her hair just bounced perfectly past her shoulders like that. Shauna hated it. She hated it because she couldn’t have it.
“Maybe I wouldn’t be so insecure if I looked like that,” Shauna muttered, turning back to her closet.
“What?”
“Nothing, I just am having a hard time finding something to wear. Is that such an inconvenience to you, Jackie?”
She didn’t mean it to come off as sharp as it did, but the words were already out. Jackie’s face pinched, her eyebrows furrowed, clearly confused by the sudden shift in Shauna’s mood.
“No, take your time. Sorry,” Jackie said quietly.
But for whatever reason Shauna wouldn’t let it go. Maybe it was just a bad day, or maybe she just couldn’t take Jackie’s subtle insults anymore.
“You know, most people aren’t as full of themselves as you are. Everyone thinks you’re just so confident, but what they don’t know is that you’re actually just thinking you’re better than everyone else.”
Shauna spit it out like the thought had been loaded on her tongue for years, just waiting to be said. She instantly felt bad, but she had too much pride to ever say that to Jackie. The room fell silent, Jackie ruminating on the awful things her supposed best friend had just said to her.
“Fuck you, Shauna.”
Jackie got up and walked over to Taissa’s house to go to the party with her instead.
Jackie ignored Shauna the rest of the night, which was clearly intentional due to the lack of people in attendance. The other girls pried about what had happened, but Shauna wouldn’t spill. She wouldn’t let anyone else know the fiery hurt that had spewed from her mouth just hours before. Right as she was making up an excuse to Taissa for her and Jackie’s distance, she saw her face go blank.
“What the hell is he doing here?” Tai asked.
Shauna turned around to see none other than Jeff Sadecki walking through the front doors of Lottie’s house. He barely got two feet in the door before Lottie was attempting to push him back out.
Shauna scanned the room for Jackie but couldn’t spot her anywhere. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a flash of blonde hair through the window. She debated in her head what to do in this situation. She knew a good friend would probably go out to the backyard and warn Jackie who she’s about to see when she comes back inside, but Shauna didn’t feel like much of a good friend after earlier that night. She didn’t think Jackie would want to see her, so she sent Taissa out instead. Shauna watched through the window as Jackie passed a joint back to Nat, dusted off her dress, and followed Tai back inside.
“I swear, all I want is to talk to her!” Jeff plead to Lottie, still not past the front door.
“I got this,” Jackie said as she approached them both.
“Oh, thank god, Jackie. I knew—”
“Why are you here, Jeff?” Jackie barked.
“Well, uh, you know. Natalie was buying a couple darts from one of my buddies, and he told me about this party tonight. I didn’t think it’d be so small…”
“Yeah, ok, Jeff. Great. So why are you still here if the party isn’t living up to your expectations?” Jackie asked.
The room had gotten fairly silent by this point, most of the girls unashamedly watching this tense interaction go down.
“I just, I guess…”
Jeff stopped his sentence short, leaning over to whisper something into Jackie’s ear. Lottie turned back to the onlookers, shrugging her shoulders because even she didn’t hear what he’d said. Shauna saw Jackie’s lips curl up ever so slightly, making the same pleased expression she makes when she knows she’d backed Shauna into a corner. Jackie raised a single finger at Lottie, signaling they’d just be a minute. Jackie took Jeff by the hand and led them back outside to where she had been smoking with Nat previously.
Nat returned inside, wide-eyed after seeing Jeff and Jackie enter moments before.
“Are they like…?” Nat asked.
“No,” Shauna said too quickly.
The party resumed, somewhat, as Jeff and Jackie talked on the back patio about god knows what. They were out there for about twenty minutes before Jeff walked back inside sheepishly and back through the front door without saying a word to the other girls. Jackie remained outside, alone.
Although Jeff didn’t seem to be too emotional on any side of the spectrum, Shauna still assumed they had talked about something important just then. She decided no small argument should inhibit her from comforting her best friend, so she headed outside letting the buzz of alcohol carry her through the door.
“Hey, Jax.”
Jackie looked up at her, a soft red rim around her slightly glossy eyes showing she’d been crying. Even in that state, she was still the prettiest girl at the party.
“Hey, Shipman.”
“Well, things couldn’t have gone that bad if you’re still calling me ‘Shipman,’ right?”
Jackie chuckled softly, making Shauna’s heart warm a tiny bit.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really. Can we just go get a drink? I think I’m in the mood to party.”
Shauna nodded, offering a hand to Jackie before dragging her back inside.
They made a couple very strong mixed drinks, and Jackie also requested they take a shot before heading back to the main group. By that point in the night, the only girls left were Tai, Van, Nat, Lottie, Shauna, and Jackie.
After a few rounds of various drinking games, Jackie had gotten sufficiently drunk. She wasn’t nearly as bad as Shauna had seen her in the past, some nights ending in Shauna practically carrying an incapacitated Jackie to her bedroom. She would never admit it, but a part of her enjoyed those nights because it meant Jackie needed Shauna. This night though, Jackie was just drunk enough to be a little cuddly and less aware of how she’s being perceived. This was Shauna’s favorite form of Jackie, because it was how she acted when her and Shauna were alone and both sober too. Jackie was always too caught up in what other girls, even her closest teammates, thought of her to fully loosen up. But, when she had a bit of a buzz on, her natural self came out.
Jackie was nuzzled into Shauna’s side on the couch, mindlessly playing with the hem of her flannel as everyone reminisced on their time as a soccer team.
After a few funny stories of post-game parties and team bonding sleepovers had been shared, Shauna noticed Jackie hadn’t contributed much to the conversation. And as if they shared the same mind, Jackie spoke up about it right as Van began to tell the story of them all sneaking out of the hotel at nationals the past year.
“Guys I don’t remember any of this,” Jackie said.
“Well, Jackie, you know you were never really… there,” Van said softly as to not hurt Jackie’s feelings.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jackie said defensively.
And then, without a warning from her own brain, Shauna was spewing anger at Jackie once again.
“You never came to anything, Jax! You were always off with Jeff instead of m—” she stopped herself before outing the real reason of anger, “us!”
The group fell silent for a moment, but conversation between the others resumed as to not let the awkwardness linger any longer. A mix of alcohol, anger, and sadness swirled in Shauna’s head. Everything was suddenly foggy, and all she knew was that there was no longer the heat from Jackie’s body pressing into her side. She turned to her left to see Jackie with her mouth taut and a redness in her cheeks that her fair skin couldn’t hide.
“I need to use the restroom,” Jackie said so quietly that it was mostly to herself.
Shauna followed her down the hallway without second thought.
Just before reaching the doorway, Shauna reached for Jackie’s wrist.
“Jackie, wait.”
Jackie turned around to lock eyes with Shauna before taking the last few steps into the bathroom. She kept the door open, waiting for Shauna to follow before she shut them both inside.
The girls just stared at each other for a moment, emotional tension building quicker than Shauna could keep up with. Jackie’s eyes were welling up with tears, and her face was pinched with anger and hurt. Shauna’s chest felt tight, and she needed to speak before she exploded right there in Lottie’s bathroom.
“I’m sorry, Jackie. I didn’t mean to yell like that, and I don’t know what came over me. I think I just really missed my best friend,” Shauna said.
She reached for Jackie’s arm, lightly rubbing her thumb up and down her forearm. It was a kind of soothing touch that was familiar between them, but for some reason this time felt like Shauna needed permission. She didn’t feel worthy of getting Jackie in that way anymore. Shauna hadn’t realized she’d been crying until a couple stray tears fell on her shirt.
“I know what you were going to say,” Jackie said quietly. Her tears had been blinked back, but the sadness in her eyes was still there.
Shauna stared back, brows furrowed and clearly confused.
“You were going to say that I was always with Jeff instead of you, not the team.”
Shauna stopped crying, but a new heat had risen to her cheeks now.
“It’s the same thing, Jackie.”
“Oh,” Jackie practically whispered, looking anywhere but at Shauna now.
Shit. Did she say something wrong? She was just trying to avoid sharing just how jealous Shauna truly was. It made it more normal if she was talking on behalf of the team.
“He wanted to get back together. Tonight, I mean. That’s what we talked about,” Jackie blurted.
“Oh.”
The jealous sting rose back to Shauna’s chest. It didn’t matter that she couldn’t have Jackie in that way, she had come to accept that. It mattered that someone else could have her in that way. Jeff could have her in that way.
“So, um, are you? You know, back together?”
“No, but—” Jackie swallowed like she didn’t want to say the next part—“He’s going to Rutgers this fall. He dropped his baseball scholarship at UMass.”
“Wow, uh, so he did all that to be with you?”
“I guess so.”
Jackie shrugged like none of this mattered too much. Like her ex-boyfriend hadn’t just rerouted the next four years of his life to cater to her.