Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The house was dark and desolate, the air stagnant and musty. Rin switched on the lights and fans, sneezing at the amount of dust in the air. His parents had probably left for another business trip. With no one in the house, the house itself was slowly rotting away from the lack of care.


Like Rin.


Rin now felt as though he was merely going through the motions of living, letting life take him with its flow. He had no purpose anymore. After all, what purpose did he have other than playing football?


Instead of just putting his football bag down, Rin had dumped the entire bag in the garbage bin outside, saving just his valuables. His Blue Lock kits, football, towels and cleats all went into the trash.


The moment they disappeared into the pungent darkness of the bin, Rin felt his heart tear apart. He wanted to dive back after them to retrieve them. Maybe this was all the wrong decision. He simply couldn't imagine his life without football. This decision was far too impulsive and reckless.


Swallowing all his worries, Rin cleared his throat and walked away from the garbage bin and back into his lonely house.


He didn't want to play football ever again.


°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°


Rin stared at the miserable state of the house. It didn't even feel like home. His mother had left a note on the refridgerator, pinned up by a small button magnet.


Rin looked at the note.

"Rin.

We'll be back on Thursday! There's groceries in the fridge. Please cook for yourself and don't eat just takeout food.

Take care of yourself dear! :)"


Rin felt a pang in his heart at the little smiley face at the end. He felt guilty for letting his parents down so much. Up to this point, Rin still hasn't achieved anything worth mentioning with his life. On the other hand, Sae was living a life Rin could only dream about now.


The burning sensation returned to his eyes and a lump formed in Rin's throat. Even though there was no one watching, Rin cleared his throat awkwardly, blinking back hot tears. He felt his body sway slightly, the nausea from suppressing his emotions so much overwhelming. Rin quickly grasped onto the edge of the counter, attempting to lower himself to the floor before his legs gave way and he collapsed. His bottom hit the floor so hard that tears of pain sprang up in his eyes, a few droplets rolling down his cheeks.


Pathetic pathetic pathetic-


Rin coughed, wiping away his tears frantically. There was a sharp high ringing sound in his left ear which hurt his head and Rin wanted nothing more than to rip his eardrums out to stop it. He clutched his head tightly, clamping his hands over his ears as he let out a sob finally.


One sob was enough to break Rin's composure. He crumpled, sobbing into his hands.


Sae would laugh if he saw me right now.


It felt so fuzzy and thick. Rin hadn't cried like this in a long while. Thick snot clogged his nostrils and Rin had to gasp for air in between his sobs. Rin sniffled. The weight of his utter incompetency at everything was crushing. It left him breathless and mangled and so so miserable. It hurt so much. It felt like his heart was being torn apart, squeezed into pulp so it stops beating. Rin wished his heart would stop beating. Anything was better than this suffocating, excruciating torture of a life.


I'm the lukewarm one.

Chapter Text

The first two days of break passed by pretty uneventfully. Rin barely did anything, a strong deviation from his normal routine where he would train for half the day. All Rin did was sit on his bed and watch horror movies on his laptop, only getting up to use the bathroom or eat.


As for food, Rin didn't cook much although he could. Rin had cooked some rice the night he had arrived and he had been eating those leftovers little by little for the past two days by refrigerating it. He was too lazy to make any side dishes, even his favourite green tea. He was just so tired and lazy to do anything at all. At some point, it worried him. Rin had never known himself to be lazy, but yet here he was now, dreading to get up to even use the bathroom.


He had no incoming text messages. His parents hadn't contacted him to check in on him at all. Moreover, Rin hadn't handed his number out to anyone at Blue Lock so Rin essentially had no friends to text him. He hadn't made an effort to make friends in school previously, and everybody usually avoided him because he was so standoffish.


The hours were wasted in silence as Rin rotted uselessly. Without soccer, he had nothing to do. Soccer was his life. His life revolved around soccer and Itoshi Sae. Rin did not know how to make his life about himself again.


°•°•°•°•°•°


It was almost an hour past midnight. Rin was still wide-awake in his bed, tossing and turning as he attempted to find a comfortable position to sleep in.


It was dark outside. There wasn't even much moonlight as the moon was obscured by grey gloomy clouds. Rin hadn't opened his translucent blinds since he had arrived, so he wasn't aware of what was really going on outside his house.


No matter what position Rin shifted to, the uneasy feeling in his stomach didn't settle. It sort of swirled around and pulsed. It felt weird. Like it was there but not really there at the same time.


I sound like I'm becoming mad....


Rin sat up, rubbing his eyes. It was probably nothing. Rin hadn't been eating well the past few days. Maybe his body was just reacting badly to what he had eaten.


He stood up and trudged to the bathroom. The first thing Rin saw when he turned on the lights in the bathroom was his own face staring back at him.


Except it didn't look like his face. It looked like some cheap old plastic copy, worn out.


His features were all the same. They still had that same sharpness, the same proportions.


But as Rin stared at his face now, he couldn't imagine words he had said just a few days ago coming out of his mouth. Rin didn't even look human.


His skin tone overall appeared paler, almost translucent. It appeared disturbing under the harsh white light of Rin's bathroom. His usually sharp teal eyes were now duller, and had no life to them. Like the reflection in the mirror was currently a puppet hosting Rin's soul inside of it.


Rin did not know when he had gripped the edge of the bathroom sink so tightly that his knuckles turned white. He pried a hand away from the sink, reaching up to touch his face. Just to make sure it was really him, and that he was still alive. That this wasn't all a dream.


A flash of black. A shadow shifting.


Rin whipped around, his heart racing. That movement he had sensed was far too big to belong to something like a cockroach.


He was alone in his home, right..?


Rin turned back to the mirror. Spots of black appeared in his vision, blotting his reflection. Rin tried to blink them away. He rubbed his eyes again. The sounds of his laboured breathing felt especially loud in the eerie silence of the house.


For a moment, Rin could have sworn he saw someone in the mirror behind him. Rin gripped the edge of the sink tighter, resisting the urge to turn around or run away or just drop to the floor and curl up into a ball.


...


What was wrong with him?!


He had been quite self-assured in his mental ability to handle horror movies and such, but now he was freaking out over some movement just because he was alone at home. It wasn't like it was Rin's first time being alone in his house as well, so why in the world was he breaking out in cold sweat now?!


A few days without any human interaction at all really messed Rin up.


Rin took a few more deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. Then, he splashed some water onto his face, avoided looking in the mirror, and returned to his bedroom quickly.


Rin turned on the lights in his bedroom. He took out his laptop and scrolled through soccer reels on social media. Anything to distract him from that impending sense of doom Rin had felt.


That was a big mistake.


A video about Blue Lock came up, and Rin couldn't bring himself to scroll past it.

"-the Blue Lock team has defeated Japan's beloved U-20 team in an epic match just last Saturday. One of the most memorable moments from the match was of course, the sibling showdown in the last minute. Itoshi Sae, Japan's football prodigy, went up against his little brother, Itoshi Rin. After an amazing display of talent from both sides, Itoshi Rin managed to intercept the ball from Itoshi Sae, a move that changed the outcome of the match."


Rin felt a small flicker of pride in his chest hearing his temporary victory over his big brother being acknowledged.


"Itoshi Rin's talent is raw and undeniable. However, many soccer fans have taken to various social media platforms to criticise Itoshi Rin on his behaviour on the field. Some popular comments involved Itoshi Rin's lack of synergy with his team when he is in a focused state, and his problematic attitude regarding his relationship with his brother. Now, the question for Japan's soccer fans, should Itoshi Rin be considered a rising star, or does he seem to be going down the wrong path?"


...


What the hell? 'Going down the wrong path'? What did these nobodies know that I don't?! Fine, if they don't like my talent! I don't play football for anyone but myself.


And Sae.


His brain added the last part unhelpfully.


Rin scowled to himself. Now his mood was dampened. These comments really should not be bothering him so much, considering he made the decision to quit football. However, the memories of the match was still raw, and the pain lingered.


Rin was sick and tired of this. He hated everything. He hated how they wanted to put a leash on him, how they wanted to bind him down to restrict his behavior. So what if Rin had an attitude problem? So what if Rin had trouble socially? So what if Rin couldn't regulate his own emotions?


He did not need other tepid people calling the shots in his life. Rin's life was his. He was going to survive. He was going to prove them all wrong. Rin could survive without football.

Rin did not get any sleep that night.

Chapter Text

Rin decided to go out the next day. Some sun would be good for him, even if he was not playing football anymore. Rin finally took a shower and changed into a new pair of clothes before heading out.


The streets of his hometown was as serene and quiet as always. It was not quiet in the empty sense, but quiet in a calming sense. It felt like home. Rin took a deep breath, letting the fresh air fill his lungs. It was slightly salty since the sea was not too far away from there. He had forgotten just how much he had missed this freedom. After months inside the Blue Lock facility, everyone had craved for the sunlight at some point. Rin had not. He had been too focused on his goal of advancing past all the stages of selection to become the best. It was all that had mattered to him back then.


It was strange. Blue Lock felt like it was so long ago, yet it had only ended last week.


Rin found himself walking mindlessly, letting his legs take him wherever. He didn't have a goal in mind for once. A few cars and bicycles occassionally passed by him. Rin kept to the sidewalk, absorbing all the details of his hometown, including what had changed in the past few months he had been away.


The old football field was still at the same place. Rin recognised it, and immediately memories of a younger him playing in that exact field resurfaced.It was the field where Rin had found his passion for football. It was the field where Rin had played with Sae countless times. It was the field where Rin had trained drills tirelessly and played with teammates and grew.


As soon as the nostalgia bloomed in his chest, it darkened and became heavy as unwanted memories appeared.


It was also the field where Sae had abandoned Rin. Abandoned their dream. Said all those words Rin would never ever forget because they were forcefully etched onto his heart. Sae had given Rin a purpose in life in this field. Sae had also turned Rin's life upside down in this field.


Juvenile laughter sounded from the field. Children were playing together, kicking a ball around. Rin watched them, a heavy feeling in the bottom of his stomach. Their passes were slow and uncoordinated. Their shots were weak and inaccurate. Their plays were all over the place. Yet, they seemed happy.


Why...


How can they be happy with playing like that?


Rin wondered, the familiar pressure building up behind his nose bridge and eyes.


How could these children be satisfied with such incompetency and mediocrity? These children could not have been more than a decade younger than Rin. In fact, they seemed about the same age Rin had been when he had first started playing football. There was no passion in these children, no ego.


They played for fun.


Rin wanted to scoff even thinking about the notion of playing for fun. It was such a waste of time. Rin could not remember if he had ever played football for fun. Football was everything to him. Or it had been. Every time Rin stepped onto a field, he would play like his life was on the line. He played with the sole purpose of winning. Not to have fun.


Why did these children get to be happy?


Why can they be happy and I cannot when they play worse than me?!


"Pass the ball here!" A kid shouted when his friend had stopped playing suddenly. Suddenly, the sounds of childish laughter died down and it was replaced by curious whispers.


"Isn't that the guy from Blue Lock? The one who was sticking his tongue out!"


"My mom said that was bad manners..."


"It's Itoshi Sae's little brother! He played in that match!"


"His goal was super cool! He was my favourite!"


"Do you think he would play with us? That would be so fun!"


Rin felt goosebumps form on his skin. He snapped out of his train of thoughts, looking back at the field. Only to see a whole group of kids staring back at him in awe as they talked to each other excitedly.


Rin's eyes widened. Did they recognise him? Rin was not in the mood to give autographs to little children. Not only that, there was no way Rin could give autographs. He had quit the sport, so it was illogical for him to be giving out autographs for something he refused to do anymore.


After a few seconds, the childrens' excitement only grew. Their conversations were so loud Rin could hear them. But Rin didn't want to hear them.


He tensed up, torn between leaving and shouting at them. Their big eyes pinned him to the spot, forcing him to do something.


"What are you all staring at?!" Rin barked angrily, choosing the unfavourable option.


The children collectively dropped their smiles. They were obviously taken aback by the lack of friendliness, and were disappointed.


"I don't think he likes us..."


"He's mean! I can't believe i liked him!"


"Let's get back to playing!"


They stared at Rin for a few seconds longer before returning to their game.


Rin usually would not care about others' perceptions and thoughts on him. Much less kids who barely knew what they were doing. Rin was above that. He had to be above that if he wanted to succeed. He couldn't let lukewarm people drag him down. But Rin didn't even know what he wanted to succeed at anymore. Just surviving without giving up?


Was living happily even a feat worth mentioning? It sounded more like the bare minimum.


Rin shook his head, walking away and trying to block the childrens' voices out of his head.


Rin wasn't going to let children criticise how he chooses to live.


°•°•°•°•°•°•°


A bell made a sound as Rin opened the door and entered the store. It was a small store, consisting of a wide variety of items so it couldn't really be classified as any specific store.


It was the store Rin and Sae had frequented when they were young.


Everything was the same. The chips packets were in the same aisle. The coolers were in the same place. The hot foods section was in the same place. They even still sold those cheap plastic toys that broke within a few days and were only there to entice children into spending money.


Rin found himself walking to the coolers. He looked into it. They had the same popsicles that Sae always used to buy for them after his practices. Rin remembered. He would always win the popsicle game, and Sae would always lose.


You shouldn't waste your luck on such meaningless things Rin!


A younger Sae had huffed petulantly. Rin had just thought his big brother was sad because he always won everything so it must be bad for him to lose something as trivial as a popsicle game.


Now, Rin wonders whether Sae's words were true. Had he wasted all his luck on silly popsicles?


Look at where I am and look at where Nii-chan is...


"Oh! Rin! Is that you dear? Oh, its been so long since I have seen you and your brother around here! You've grown so tall! Come sit down my dear. I'll get you a cup of tea from the back." The old lady at the cashier brightened when she saw Rin, talking so enthusiastically Rin couldn't interrupt her to say he didn't want to stay. She had always been nice to him and Sae when they were kids. Shouting at annoying nosey kids was one thing, but shouting at an elderly who had been nothing but kind to him was something else. It was wrong. And rude.


Rin hadn't visited this shop ever since Sae returned from Spain. He had always feared the memories that would come with stepping foot into this quaint little store. He had feared that the nostalgia and melancholy of longing for a past that was unreachable now would slow his progress in football down. After Sae had returned from Spain, football was all that mattered. Not playing together with his big brother.


Rin had still been standing there awkwardly, shifting and unsure of what to do when the old lady returned.


"I can't stay for long, Mrs. Higuchi-"


"Nonsense! A cup of tea and a chat never wasted anyone's time." She smiled, her wrinkly face crinkling even more. It was so sickeningly sweet and kind that Rin's stomach swirled uncomfortably. Such a look had not been directed at him in a long while.


Rin sat down on a small chair reluctantly. It was far too small and he had to fold his legs awkwardly so as to not take up too much space. He took the cup of tea with a small thanks, staring at the steaming liquid inside. He took a sip.


Green tea.


She hadn't forgotten his favourite tea.


"How have you been dear?" The old lady asked, sitting down across him.


"I'm fine." Rin replied methodically.


"You look so ghastly! Have you been eating?!" Mrs. Higuchi asked, worried.


Rin looked down at himself. He did look unsightly. Even if he had finally taken his first shower in the past few days, he had not been eating well or drinking water a lot and he probably looked sick.


"Oh, its just the weather. Its been...cold lately." Rin looked down at his cup of tea. Truthfully he didn't know what the weather had been like. After all, he had spent the past few days cooped up in his room with the curtains closed.


"But the heat was unbearable the past week." She frowned, catching on his lie. Rin tensed up. However, instead of calling him out on his lie, she looked even more worried.


"You must be sick dear! That's why you feel cold. I'll give you some of my herbal tea packets." Mrs. Higuchi got up to get it. She returned with a small plastic bag with apparently tea sachets inside.


"Oh- I don't need it....i'm fine," Rin tried to say but she insisted, placing the plastic bag next to Rin.


"How much is it?" Rin sighed.


"Don't worry about that my dear, it's on me." She smiled.


A few minutes passed in awkward silence. The atmosphere felt tense and Rin wanted to run out of the shop. He quickly finished his cup of green tea, and was about to take his leave when Mrs. Higuchi spoke again.


"I saw the football game on the news last week! Was it you in that game last week or was it your brother? Oh, I've grown so old that I can't tell the both of you apart!" She laughed, oblivious to the effects it had on Rin. Rin's heart squeezed and he swallowed the green tea with a little difficulty as it burned his throat. He did not  look like Sae. They were playing on opposite teams! How could she have gotten them mixed up?!


"Oh...it was both of us actually." Rin mumbled, giving a small strained smile in response to her laughter.


"Oh! I'm so proud of you both! I remember when you two used to be so little, and you would always be holding on to Sae's hand! Come to think of it, you sound a lot like Sae had when he was younger! The same curt replies!" She laughed. Rin wanted to tell her to stop. He wanted her to stop talking about Sae. The mere name left a bitter aftertaste. Rin didn't play football anymore. He didn't do anything involving Sae anymore. He refused to. Rin wanted to live his own life, and prove that he was  capable of being independent, of not being lukewarm.


"Speaking of Sae, where is your big brother Rin? Is he home as well?" Mrs. Higuchi asked, still smiling.


That awful smile. It held no bad intentions. But it felt like it was mocking Rin.


Where's your precious nii-chan now Rin?


"I- i'm sorry Mrs. Higuchi but I think I have to leave now. I have...to go.." Rin trailed off awkwardly, unable to think up an excuse on the spot. He stood up shakily, the chair squeaking behind him as it dragged on the floor. The loud noise pierced his ears. He gave the empty cup back to the bewildered old lady.


"Thanks for the tea and chat Mrs. Higuchi. It was nice seeing you again-" He stumbled over his words in his hurry to leave, preoccupied with getting out of there. He avoided her eye contact as he briskly walked towards the door. He didn't want to see if he had made her upset.


"Rin! You forgot the herbal tea!" Mrs. Higuchi called after him but Rin didn't stop. Within seconds, he was out of the door.