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2025-06-17
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In Fits of Print

Summary:

Selections from the Cepallium, an anonymous satirical newspaper published by students at the University of Ashedro.

Notes:

Thanks to Beleghir for betaing!

Work Text:

Historians at the University of Thu-Tetar have pronounced the demises of Emperor Varenechibel’s nohecharei “uniquely meritorious.” “While admittedly not as heroic as it would have been if they had been able to save His Serenity’s life, soldiers can hardly be expected to guard against the sudden and inexplicable breakup of an airship mid-flight,” summarized Professor Cosalis Meilar. “Even classical dachenmaza training does not cover such newfangled technologies.” Compared to such unfortunate predecessors as Taldera Athmaza, who performed revethvoran after failing to save his master from the machinations of a treasonous brother-in-law, or Hunaret Bostenar, who agonizingly succumbed to an infected gut wound a week after shielding his emperor from the Lord Chancellor’s mistress, the soldiers and mazei sworn to Varenechibel are likely to have perished without pain or anxiety. Meilar also found it “tremendously reassuring” that the catastrophic breakup of the Wisdom of Choharo’s cabin, followed by the abrupt descent of the deceased to the ground, did not mar their features beyond identification. “It would be profoundly embarrassing if the ashes of the Second Maza were placed at the left side of Varenechibel’s head, rather than at his right foot, as is only proper.” The possibility that the mortal remains of a common airship pilot might accidentally wind up in the golden urns of the Untheileneise’meire would undoubtedly make Varenechibel turn in his extremely fresh coffin.

Meilar was not optimistic about the life expectancy of the nohecharei who will give their oaths to Prince Idra upon his coronation.


His Divine Majesty, Anmura, has issued a rare statement on the doctrine of Universal Ascendance. “Let it be known to all who struggle beneath the skies that We do not seek to exalt any of the flock of that wretched mortal Curnar to a place among Us,” decreed the solar divinity. “They would be much better off seeking to improve their earthly lots.”

Anmura clarified that He was not opposed to occasional alterations to the pantheon. “It has been rather lonely in the heavens since Akhalarna fell to earth, and it was a glorious day when We greeted Ashevezhko as a sister. An We see fit to elevate an elf to share Our everlasting splendor, it shall be done. But such an honor is likely to fall to an anonymous soldier who has distinguished himself in battle, or a humble homemaker who embroiders ulishenathaänei with dexterity, rather than an insufferable historical determinist.”

Upon further questioning, the sacred warrior explained that “striving to seize power among those of flesh and blood” is not contrary to His immortal will, but merely foolhardy. “While it would bring Us great joy to see bloodshed and battle consume elvish lives, We cannot recommend that the Curneisei cause civil war for this reason.” Anmura noted that elves seeking to implement this philosophy “may rapidly find themselves in the embrace of Our brother Ulis, but not as equals.”


Arbelan Drazharan has been identified as an elf of interest in the Wisdom of Choharo investigation, after her return to the Untheileneise Court prompted others to recall that she is still alive. “Honestly, I just figured she’d died decades ago,” admitted Witness Keso Larsin. “But if she’s still kicking around, good for her. Even if it does mean that she’s going to have to face some awkward questions from my colleagues and me.”

Arbelan was relegated to Cethoree thirty years ago, and is not known to have had any interaction with the late archdukes. “Taking thirty years to methodically plan your revenge on a lover who spurned you seems a bit ponderous, but perhaps Arbelan Zhasan has a touch of the gray folk about her,” the Witness theorized. “Besides, if it took Varenechibel ten years to conclude she was unfit to produce an heir, I suspect neither party was in a position to criticize the other for lack of speed.”


Scholars and tutors across the Ethuveraz are rejoicing at the unanticipated resurgence of interest in the Edrehasivar dynastic name. “It was laborious to get my students curious about Edrehasivar VI, despite his three decades of peaceful and prudent rule. No relevant battles to his name, and scarcely any noteworthy executions,” lamented Parvis Athmaza of Thu-Athamar. “Until, rather abruptly, this goblin shows up on the throne—then they want to know about Edrehasivar’s loving and untroubled marriage to Ishilan Drazhan and his pious devotion to Orshan! This is a fantastic opportunity!”

“Nobody really understood the tax policies of Edrehasivar III, least of all his Corazhas,” said Tanu Omdar, from the University of Thu-Cethor. “So there hasn’t been much interest in economic reappraisals of his reign. However, this month I’ve been overwhelmed by correspondence from people who want to peer review my articles and analyze the comparative financial prudence of all the Edrehasivars!”

“I’m sure Edrehasivar I would be proud that well over five centuries after he died, his cognomen still connotes authority in the Ethuveraz,” said Sulet Idesar, a private tutor in Cetho. “Admittedly, given his less-than-diplomatic overtures towards Barizhan, it would take him a long time to accept who exactly was sitting on the throne and how they were related. But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt.”

“Despite the flourishing of Varenechibels, there hasn’t been much time for historical evaluations of their legacies,” explained Evis Sanodar, from the University of Thu-Evresar. “It can be difficult to make an objective study of someone who is still alive and exercising supreme authority over prosecution of lèse majesté and other offenses. Perhaps in time we’ll be able to craft more well-rounded appraisals of Varenechibel IV and his predecessors, but for now, I’ll appreciate the chance to shed light on lesser-known periods of history.”


The Great Avar of Barizhan, Maru Sevraseched, has denounced rumors of his involvement in the ill-fated Wisdom of Choharo incident as “absurd.” “We acknowledge that Witness Larsin has a duty to investigate every potential suspect, and we are not offended by the implication that we would assassinate a fellow monarch in an unscrupulous power grab,” declared the Avar of Avarsin. “But the insinuation that we would resort to deploying modern technology at a distance, rather than slaying the Zhas in cold blood, is an insult of the first degree.”

“It is patently ludicrous to suppose that our grandson is a figurehead monarch ruling the Ethuveraz in our name,” the Avar continued. “Rest assured that if we wished to annex your piddling territories, we would not deploy small-minded intermediaries. Just because your octogenarians may be too frail to effectively wield power does not mean that we are thus limited.”


His Serenity, Edrehasivar VII, rejoices to announce the occasion of his betrothal to a personage no less august than the Archduchess Vedero Drazhin! The Archduchess had spurned the advances of other princes, declaring her intention to wed a man who would not interfere with her fancies of academic research; his Serenity was easily malleable even in these matters. For his part, the new Emperor will benefit from a wife whose aristocratic credentials are impeccable. While some cynics may fear that the product of such a union could be slow of mind or unpleasant of visage, such affliction would hardly qualify as aberrant by the standards of the Sevraseched dynasty.


The Artificers Guild has devised a cunning proposal for promoting trade across the Istandaärtha. “If the temperature continues to drop,” notes Vokho Reshetin, “soon we will be able to drive our carriages across the ice quite safely, which will be much more efficient than going around or paying ferries.” While Reshetin admitted that conditions of this nature would be hazardous to boat-elves and their livelihood, she noted that mazei might find continued employment in temporarily thawing and refreezing sections of the river as needed to allow for traffic in various modes of transit. The Witness for the Athmaz’are, Sonevet Athmaza, denounced this plan as “a preposterous waste of time and magic,” but “at least as practical as the last contrived idea for river commerce.”


In what is being called “pathetically anticlimactic,” Eiru Berenar has been named as Lord Chancellor. “Normally elves have to scheme and plot and flirt with sedition to get considered for the post,” grumbled Setheris Nelar, former guardian of His Serenity. “But all Berenar has to do is serve dutifully and conscientiously for years and he just happens to get the promotion? Truly, justice is dead.”

“Eiru was distraught to discover that the previous Lord Chancellor had been imprisoned for treason,” explained Berenar’s wife, Anzhevo Berenaran. “So mournful was he that he did not even think to consider that this grave crime could be our gain. We tell you, there’s something unnatural about that.”

“The Corazhas were all so shocked that the coup had failed—that is, that Lord Chavar could have committed such a grievous and dastardly act—that we don’t believe any of them really took the time to engage in pointless veklevezhek,” said Lord Bromar, the Witness for Foreigners. “In retrospect, if we had known that the confirmation would have been so brisk, we would have opposed it more stridently. Not because we could have come up with a preferable alternative, but so we could extract concessions from the new Lord Chancellor.”

Berenar was unavailable for comment, because he was chasing down a decade’s worth of unpaid back taxes from the Veremnet Preserve.


Airship crew across the Ethuveraz have offered their thanks to Salezheio that the Great Avar of Barizhan considers it beneath his station to travel by airship. “I’ve carried a dozen passengers at once, but the Avar is mightier than any three common elves—literally or figuratively,” explained Delu Lopazhar, captain of the Justice of Sovezho. “We ought to prostrate ourselves before an emperor, but it wouldn’t do for the Avar’s girth itself to be affecting our altitude.”

“It is a mark of trust and goodwill that His Majesty is willing to visit a realm so troubled that it cannot even assure the safety of its own Zhases,” noted Isleran Enaran, first mate of the Splendor of Daiano. “The matter of his security is an extreme concern for the Hezhethora, doubly so when he ventures outside his borders. We are truly appreciative of the fact that it is not ours as well.”

“When the Avar was born, you would have been thought a fool for claiming that someday balloons full of hydrogen would carry elves through the air,” said Clestova Khetar, a crewman aboard the Mercy of Calestho. “And now...well, I suppose some people still think it’s a foolish idea. You know what I mean.”

“Our Avar of Avarsin survived a bloody civil war to claim his throne,” boasted Ambassador Vorzhis Gormened. “He has survived assassination attempts and pirate attacks, duels and disloyalty. But even he knows better than to board an Ethuverazhid airship. The man didn’t reach eighty without learning some prudence.”


After an unusual consultation among the gods, Her Sovereign Divinity Salezheio has decreed that this new year began at dawn rather than midnight. “Great are the sorrows that Our brother Ulis has carried away in the year now at rest,” the Maiden of Snow proclaimed. “It is meet that the attempt on the life of an emperor, and the downfall of the traitorous Dach’osmer Tethimar, should be added to their number, rather than cast a pall on the year that is born.”

“While changing the reckoning of days and years may be beyond the remit of mortals, We command the very heavens themselves,” explained the Mother of All Tales. “An We all concur, Osreian and Anmura will most happily repeat a few steps in their annual dance. Our sister Cstheio Caireizhasan also informs us that ‘all elvish temporal units are arbitrary’ and ‘only We gods have an objective reference frame,’ but We think Her too fond of incomprehensible university jargon.”

Salezheio specified, however, that the remainder of the Avar of Avarsin’s visit to the Untheileneise Court would “most certainly” be included under the auspices of the year that is coming to be. “Those elves who fear brotherhood with their neighbors to the south ought to cast away such worries with the year that is gone,” She declared. “On this point, both Our sister Ashevezhko and Ourselves are in absolute concurrence.”


Spokeselves for His Serenity have proclaimed that Edrehasivar VII does not seek the revethvoran of anyone not currently in imperial custody. “His Serenity is not an indulgent or weak Zhas,” explained Csevet Aisava, the secretary who continually finds himself tasked with sundry miscellanea. “He merely believes that bringing about the deaths of those guilty of no crime will further a pointless cycle of retribution, and we are obliged to support him in this.”

“Edrehasivar encourages self-reflection and sincere efforts to make amends,” said Kiru Athmazo, the Second Nohecharo. “Had the Duke Tethimel, Princess Sheveän, Lord Chavar, or their trusted intimates carried out such deliberation before plotting against their emperors, all of us would have been better off. The efforts of their kinsfolk to perform such atonement on their behalves, however, are neither practically nor metaphysically advisable.”

“Let it not be said that His Serenity is a squeamish man,” elaborated Adremaza Sehalis. “He was merely eighteen and not long resident in the Untheileneise when he unflinchingly witnessed the ritual exsanguination of the nohecharis who betrayed him most wickedly. He shall no doubt be in attendance at the gruesome public spectacle of the Tethimadeise traitors. He merely believes that such a solemn rite ought not be debased by the unnecessary deaths of those whose only misfortune comes from their unchosen relatives.”


In response to the recent lunar eclipse, Archprelate Teru Tethimar has announced that detailed contemplation of the movements of the heavenly bodies during such conjunctions transcends his theological purview, and that such matters are better contemplated by secular astronomers.

“Each month, we observe the waxing and waning of Ulis’ light, just as our mortal forms must grow and perish,” said the Archprelate. “Even so, Anmura’s steady glow warms us unfailingly. Whether these two deities aligning in a blood-red syzygy betokens an especial intimacy, it has not been vouchsafed to me to know.”

“The moon does not always travel in the same plane formed by the earth’s journey around the sun,” said Relis Henasar, a professor at the University of Thu-Istandaär. “This is why we do not observe eclipses every month, but only when the moon crosses the ecliptic. I respect everyone’s right to worship the gods, or not, as they choose. In explaining this phenomenon, however, I strongly believe that the simplest explanation is also the best one.”

“I was really hoping the Archprelate would tell us that Anmura and Ulis are doing marnei things, if only a couple times a year,” admitted Beru Clezhin. “I think it would really help a lot of clerics lighten up.”