Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Prologue

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"So, give us an update, yeah? What has our favorite little gamer been up to the last few months?" Karube ruffles his hair with a big grin and instead of trying to dodge the contact, Arisu feels warmth exploding inside his stomach. Shit … I missed this.

"We won't judge," Chota adds softly and squeezes his hand for a moment in reassurance. "Never."

Arisu takes a deep breath. Then a long sip of his coffee. One step at a time, right? Into the right direction.

"Okay, so ... I guess it starts with me being in a literal horror movie, cowering under a bed and fearing to be thrown into prison?"

"That’s how I love a good story to start!" Karube chuckles out loud.

I.

♡

"How are we feeling today?"

He shrugs.

♡

Four months earlier

I’ll never see them again, shoots through Arisu’s racing mind while he puts his hand over his mouth to stop any noises from coming out. They will arrest me, drag me to court, throw me into prison and Karube and Chota will forget about me eventually and I will spend the rest of my pathetic life in there. How many years are on Breaking and Entering? Is it even Breaking and Entering if I’m not here to steal anything? OH SHIT, I DID ALREADY! Oh no no no, why did I take the coke out of the fridge in the bistro? And the fucking cheesecake! And..- OH GOD, the vase?! The vase that I scratched with my backpack? Is this already criminal property damage? Fuck, fuck, fuck, I’m so fu-

Arisu’s eyes widen as the footsteps come closer, the beam of the flashlight directed dangerously close to where he hides. Ready to catch him, ready to shine under the bed and drag him out of his spot, merciless hands on his shoulders, a harsh ‘Got you, delinquent!’ against his ear as cold, hard metal snaps close around his wrists and seals his fate once and for all.

Shoes come into his view - and then stop. In. Front. Of. Me! Fuck! Arisu’s heart jumps up to his throat, pounding against the floor in such fast and hard beats that he fears the other can notice the floor underneath his black boots vibrating with all the fear and panic pouring out of him.

A squeak. A long sigh. Definitely a man. Shit, a man is bad news. A man means his chances to tear himself free and outrun the other is dangerously small. Shoes are pushed off carelessly, giving way for green … Zelda socks? Wait …what?!

Arisu frowns, momentarily so confused that he reacts too slow when the display of his phone lights up with Karube’s picture - followed by the obligatory ‘Boss Bitch’ song that Karube did select for himself. OH FUCK, OH NONONONONONO! With shaking fingers he types rapidly on the display, swiping the ‘decline’ button. Silence. Arisu halts his breath, pricks his ears, starts praying.

Above him… nothing. No movement. No sigh. Not even breathing. Unnatural silence. The quiet before the storm. A cold shiver runs down Arisu’s back, his fight or flight response this close to be triggered. He knows. Oh shit, he knows. Is it too late to apologize and hope he’s nice enough to let me leave without dragging me to the police? He wears Zelda socks. Someone who wears Zelda socks can’t be a bad person, right? Ri-

"Come out!"

Oh shit, that..- That is not the voice of someone nice. That’s the tone of someone having fun dragging people to the police. Or even worse: Taking care of it himse-

"I know you’re fucking there, so get out!" The voice exclaims harshly, low and demanding, it has Arisu trembling. "I have a gun."

His heart skips a beat, blood ringing in his ears. Fuck, what?! No, that’s-

Squeaking, directly above his head now, only separated by- "These cheap as fuck ikea duplicates will not hold off a bullet, so if you don’t-"

"Wait! Wait, okay, I’m-!" Arisu exclaims and hurries to crawl out from underneath the bed, scrambling to his feet and holding up his hands. Eyes pressed close, he thinks now is the perfect timing to beg for his life: "Please don’t shoot, I’m sorry, I didn’t- I wasn’t making any mess, I just..- I’m-"

Silence. Nothing but the loud thudthudthud in his ears, his heart a terrified little bird trying to escape its confinement. Trying to escape this situation, to escape into freedom, to survive to die another day.

"P-Please," he sobs now. "D-Don’t shoot, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, I won’t-"

"You’re stupid as fuck."

"I’m..-" Wait what? Taking a deep inhale, Arisu opens one of his eyes, squints, expects to look right into the muzzle of a gun — and tears his eyes open to stare at the guy sitting on the bed, cross-legged. No gun, but longer hair messily done up into a ponytail. Pale skin. Dark eyes. Leather jacket, dark green shirt, jeans. And … his toes, wiggling wildly in those Zelda socks, as if he has excess energy shooting through his body. Or as if he…? Is he … nervous?

"You’re … not a guard," Arisu states the obvious, the bird inside his chest beginning to calm down slowly.

"The hell I am," the guy snorts, left side of his mouth curling mockingly and it’s … something tickles in the back of Arisu’s mind, a faint memory. A snort. A half-smirk. Fingers that fly over keys. An amused raise of an eyebrow. A pierced eyebrow and..- "Guards aren’t allowed to carry guns, idiot. Except the ones running high-end security buildings like banks, jewelry stores or the fucking national parliament building. Not this cheap-as-fuck Ikea Copycat furniture shop."

"I..- Do I know you?"

The smirk falls from the guy’s face. "The fuck I know." He scoots to the edge of the bed and Arisu steps back just in time to dodge the foot that would’ve otherwise hit him right in the shin. Under cursed breath the other begins to slip into his boots again. Then he stretches his arm behind him, blindingly reaching for his backpack, his smartphone and … a specs case?

Arisu furrows his brows, tilts his head, focuses on the prominent facial features and..- Oh. Silver-framed, round glasses. Fitting the piercing on his eyebrow. Fingers that fly over the keys, coding in rapid speed. An amused glint in his eyes as Arisu desperately tries to beat his highscore. A content half-smirk playing around his lips as his project is highlighted by Sakamoto, "And the first place goes to..-"

"Niragi," Arisu lets out, as the memories come back to the fore. He blinks once more, as if the other could disappear, turn into a figment of his mind, but no. The guy still sits right on front of him. "You’re Niragi, right? Suguru?"

No answer. Not even a polite glance up at him as he turns on the display of his smartphone. Lips curled now, but not in a smirk. Shoulders slumped and..- Arisu tilts his head in slight confusion. He can’t be wrong. This has to be Niragi Suguru. There may be one or two additional piercings adorning face, his hair longer, more on the curly side and his..- is that … eyeliner? It looks … kind of good? Emphasizes his eyes. Even without the glasses on, the similarities are way too many to be mere a lookalike-phenomenon.

"Uh … you remember me?" He tries again. "I’m Arisu. Ryouhei. We studied-"

"I don’t care and I don’t wanna hear your boring life story, got it?" The guy - Niragi, he’s 100% sure now - grunts and stands up, pushes past him.

"Wait, where are you going?" Arisu exclaims.

No answer, as the other stomps along the aisles of bedroom furniture, away from him. Arisu loses sight of him as he disappears into the "single bed" section of the furniture shop.

Arisu finds him half an hour later, while he is on his mission ‘Steal a Coke, get a cheesecake on top’.

Up from the path that runs alongside the elevator in a huge round circle up to the other floors, Niragi appears almost small, curled up into a dark ball of limbs and hair in one of the beds. For a moment he ponders whether to add another Coke and cheesecake to the menu and bring it over to him. Chat him up again?

Arisu shakes his head lightly and sets his focus on recreating the path he imprinted in his mind beforehand, blind spots that the few surveillance cameras do not reach. It took him around two weeks of strolling around in this furniture shop to come to the conclusion that out of all the ones he checked out in closer vicinity to his university, this one is by far the worst monitored and secured one. He doesn’t know how Niragi navigated to his sleeping spot safely, considering on the direct way he’d have passed at least three cameras. Maybe I should tell him between which beds to walk? Where to watch out? Which beds are safe to stay in and hidden from cameras?

Arisu climbs over the counter and opens the fridge. One bowl with something he does not even want to guess. A few slices of pizza. He bends down a bit further and- Oh, jackpot! Two pieces of cheesecake greet him. He reaches out- and halts.

A low chuckle. The raise of an eyebrow. Amused. Mocking. Fingers flying across the keyboard in a speed that makes his head spin, that makes his own fingers hurt. Frustration. "First place goes to Niragi Suguru, as always."

As always? Fuck you.

Arisu takes out one slice of cheesecake and closes the fridge with more force than necessary. Coke in the other hand, he sneaks past the cameras back to his bed for the night. Far away from him.

He blinks. Then rubs his eyes. They feel dry, uncomfortably so. 2.46 p.m. He can’t tell how long he’d scrolled through social media, liking random posts that are irrelevant and watching random videos of which the punchline is lost on him (most likely because there isn’t any to begin with).

He can’t tell how often he scrolled through his contacts. How often his fingers had stopped above Karube’s name. Above Chota’s. He misses them, even if they aren’t that far away. Chiba? ‘That’s only a stone’s throw away’, Karube said, with his winsome smile and his driver’s license in his pocket (44 minutes by car, 67 minutes by train).

Even if he had the possibility to get to Chiba every evening, Arisu wouldn’t want to disturb. It took his best friends years upon years of yearning and pining more or less secretly for each other to finally confess and get together. He knows he’s welcome, always, that nothing will change, never, but … it did. Already. Their friendship did change.

It’s just not them who changed it.

It’s him.

It’s him who changed.

Or him who’s stuck while everyone else around him moves forward.

So despite Karube’s call and his message and all his offers to spend the night whenever, Arisu doesn’t.

He knows how often his finger had stopped above Hajime’s name, though. And his father’s. He can tell because he needs zero fingers to count that. Zero fingers for zero interest in him.

He knows why he is here. Why he hides in toilets on Monday evenings and uses the fire exit on Thursday and Friday evenings. Why he squeezes his too-large body into wardrobes made for a child’s room on Saturdays. Why he takes the risk of getting caught over spending one minute at a place that long has lost the privilege of being called ‘home’. Arisu doesn’t even know what this word means anymore, which emotions are supposed to be attached to it.

He knows why he is here -and despite cursing himself for it, he can’t stop wondering why, out of all people, Niragi Suguru, exemplary student, math genius and promising soon-to-be Game Designer, is here with him?

Or why he dropped off the earth a year ago. Without saying a word.

II.

♡♡

"How do your studies go?"

"I’m top of my class."

"And how does that make you feel?"

" …"

" …"

"Like an impostor …"

♡♡

The next morning Arisu sleeps over his alarm - Hope your stupidly attractive face is all over the cameras, Niragi, for not even caring enough to wake me up -, nearly gets caught, nearly gets hit by a car, hits his knee on a trashcan in return and gets the highest score on his home project, ‘Best of the class, Arisu-kun, as always’.

Best as always.

But never really enough.

Concentration comes difficult to him today, focus slipping in an out of conversations, books and coding.

He tells himself it’s the lack of sleep.

Not the fact that his gaze wanders around, as if searching for a very specific face.

III.

♡♡♡

"Do you feel pressured by the unrealistic expectations put on you by him?"

"I try not to care."

"And does that work?"

"Sometimes?"

"What do you do if it does not work?"

"Avoid."

"Your father?"

"Home." He makes air quotations.

♡♡♡

He finds that very specific face later this evening, back in the "cheap-as-fuck Ikea Copycat furniture shop".

And the evening after.

And the evening after that evening.

And a fifth time in a row, on Wednesday evening.

Like the times before, they don’t speak.

Niragi does not look interested in a conversation. Or him. The only time he looks at all is when Arisu jumps an invisible pattern, climbs over beds and tables and makes a huge detour through the carpet section just to get to the toilets - and then Niragi looks at him in an mixture of disbelief, amusement, mockery and how one would look at a person who didn’t only lose their marbles, but flushed them right down the toilet themselves.

Arisu ignores it… to the best of his capabilities, at least. Which is harder if the one giving you said look has a very expressive face - even from meters away, his expression is easily readable, literally screaming ‘Are you dumb?’ at him.

Niragi is an open book, all pages intact and available to skim over — written in self-invented hieroglyphs.

Arisu has no time to solve riddles (he tells himself, while ignoring the fact that the very presence of Niragi Suguru is a riddle itself). He’s too busy solving the situation of ‘how do I get from here to the left bed without the camera seeing me if here equals a wobbly nightstand that threatens to tip over any second now’.

"What the fuck you’re doing?"

What he is doing?! Obviously he shrieks like a well-paid actor in a horror movie, slips off the nightstand while flailing about, knocks over a vase - Criminal property damage? Check - and falls face forward … into soft sheets. Arisu lifts himself up enough to recognize with a grimace: Into the wrong bed! And into the fucking line of the cameras?!

"I was trying to stay out of sight!" Arisu retorts, a confusing mix of embarrassed and irritated that leaves one struggling for the appropriate way to respond.

"Really?" A snort. Arisu throws the other a sour look, definitely not noticing how casual Niragi leans on the wardrobe. Or cool. "Looked more like an incantation dance. Sounded like one, too. You trying to conjure up those atrocious looking flying ghosts that your Mage could conjure up in the ice dungeon? The animation certainly looked an equal mess."

Arisu opens his mouth to tell him that those flying ghosts were fucking perfect for the genre mix he had been going for in his first project - and stops. Did he just admit...?

Arisu grins victoriously. Niragi frowns for a moment, before his eyes widen and if that is not the right moment...

"You do remember me."

"I..-" Niragi presses his lips to a thin line, stopping whatever response lays on the tip of his tongue.

Arisu doesn't understand what his problem is. Yes, they’ve never been best friends, not even close to it, but they had interacted in the courses and worked on group projects together. They did not hate each other (at least Arisu never had, not really) despite the rivalry simmering between them, stemming from shared ambitiousness and competitiveness to be the best in class. Arisu is reluctant to admit it, but there had been times he looked up to the other man, the uniqueness and passion in his ideas impressive, the analytical aspect in his working process the perfect contrast to his creative mind. There were occasions where Arisu couldn't decide whether to be infuriated by his mere presence - or if he'd rather want to be bold and ask the guy out on a study date.

Niragi Suguru was destined to take the Gaming Industry by storm.

"Why did you quit?"

He never understood Niragi's reasons to drop out of university one random day. The guy had everything laid out for him: The teachers adored him despite his haughty attitude sometimes, he aced each one of his classes and Sakamoto was ready to get him into contact with one of Japan's biggest developers, Kyuma Productions. His home project for the second year - an intricately created Survival Game called Borderland - could have been the next big thing, had he decided to revamp it into a Online-Multiplayer-Game.

Arisu would have chopped off his little finger for such an opportunity and Niragi? Threw it away like it’s trash underneath his boots.

"None of your business."

Arisu hates that he's right. It's none of his concern. It's not like he thought about the other man - or his sudden ‘disappearance’ from university - an extreme amount of times. It has always been a strange mystery to him, yes, but life went on and turned Niragi Suguru into a faint afterthought, soon to be forgotten.

Just that he’s standing right in front of him now, nowhere near forgotten.

Niragi pushes his body off the massive wardrobe - which puts him on camera tape as well.

"And you're on camera, right this moment." It's a truly pathetic attempt at a comeback, considering A: Niragi had probably been on cameras for the last five days, B: Arisu is on one as well now while C: clearly being more concerned about it than the other.

"Oh, you mean the ones I tampered with?" Niragi raises his left eyebrow, the piercing shimmering cheekily, as if to taunt him. "That show freeze images all throughout the night if I want them, too?"

Arisu’s jaw drops. "You… what?!"

"Freeze images. That’s when a camera is stuck on one-"

"I know what freeze images are!" Arisu frowns, stuck between feeling irritated and embarrassed. Again. "Since when?"

The left corner of his mouth twitches upwards. It’s answer enough.

Arisu jumps up from the bed. "Why didn’t you tell me?!"

"And deprive myself of the hilarity that are your little parkour stunts?" Niragi snorts and Arisu is reminded once again why it had always been an ‘I almost asked him for help on my project’, ‘I almost asked him if he’d like to learn together’, ‘I almost could see past the arrogance and aloofness he shows on a daily basis’.

Because he’s not so secretly an asshole.

"Why are you like this?" Arisu looks at him directly, not able to keep the disappointment out of his voice. "We’re both in the same boat."

"If this," he motions back and forth between them, "is a boat, I’d rather take my chances out in the open water." Another snort, more bitter now. "The hell we're in the same boat."

"So you're here for fun and not cause you can't stand to be home?"

"What would you know about home or-" Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

"Apparently as much as you do. That I'd rather risk being caught than be at home with the ghosts of what was once my ... family." Arisu doesn't know why he said that, why he's serving his dysfunctional family issues on a silver platter to a man that doesn't even care.

Or … maybe that is the reason. There's no burden he puts on Niragi for knowing, because the other holds no responsibility for him, does not worry his head about how shitty Arisu’s family situation may be. They are not friends. Not even close.

So why does he..- It’s gone before Arisu can decipher that short flicker of emotion on Niragi’s face, the short crack in his ‘unbothered’ facade. He may have just imagined it.

"Whatever." Niragi makes a dismissive motion with his hand. Yeah, definitely imagined it. "You know ‘bout the cameras now, so better not break your neck with your little Parkour stunts. I’m not gonna carry you to the hospital."

"Of course you wouldn’t," Arisu counters and is, once again, met with a sideglance that he fails to classify as anything else than strange.

"Whatever."

"You already said that," Arisu points out and is met with a middle finger instead now, as the other pushes past him and vanishes … wherever he decided to put up his sleeping place for the night.

The next morning, Arisu startles awake by someone harshly pulling on his shoulders.

"Wha…?!" Half-asleep and puzzled he looks up - right into an unfriendly frown on a very familiar face.

"Get up." Niragi throws his jacket at him in emphasis.

"Why..- What time…?" Blindly he reaches for his phone. "It’s not even-"

"Less talkin’, more movin’."

"H-Hey, wha-" His shoes are pressed against his chest as he’s pulled up from the bed with such a force that he stumbles right into Niragi. A waft of lavender and coffee washes over him and pulls him out of his sleep-drunken state. All of a sudden he’s acutely aware of Niragi’s body against his, the warmth he radiates.

"We need to go!" A low murmur against his ear. Arisu shivers, his neck prickling with heat and- Niragi pushes him away, grabs his backpack and then urges him along.

"Why..-" Arisu tries to make sense while hopping on one leg to slip into his shoes. He stumbles - because of course he does -, bumps against a night stand. The vase shakes dangerously- Oh, shit! Not again!

"For fuck’s sake!" Niragi hisses at him, catching the vase in the last second. "Watch it!"

"S-Sorry…" He says lamely, heat rushing to his face. "But why the hurry? It’s not even five in the morning and-"

"Didn’t you do recon?" Niragi holds up a hand and stops them behind the last wardrobe of this section, peaking around the corner. Curious, Arisu follows suit. "Every last Thursday they get new..-"

"New what?" Arisu whispers now, because he thought to have seen movement down on the entrance floor.

"N-New… uh, new furniture a-and … fuck, can you...-?"

Confused, Arisu looks at Niragi, who seems to press himself against the wooden furniture behind him, eyes widened and-

Oh. Oh shit.

"S-Sorry!" Arisu creates distance after noticing how much he leaned into Niragi’s space to be able to peek around the corner.

Not meeting his gaze, Niragi motions him to follow. Arisu tries to focus on the path Niragi carves out for them to the exit door and not on how red Niragi's face looked just now - or how warm his own cheeks feel. Get yourself together! Last thing you need is ... getting nervous in the presence of a guy who doesn't give a shit about you.

But if he doesn't give a shit, why-

"Why did you wake me?" Arisu asks once they made their way out of the direct line of sight with the workers carrying furniture around downstairs.

"Didn't you listen?" Niragi shakes his head, as if he can't believe this question - or the stupidity attached to it. Arisu thinks it's a very valid question, all things considered. "They get furniture every last Thursday, so, logically, they are here way sooner, idiot."

"Yeah, but why did you not just throw me under the bus? I thought you didn’t care." Arisu notice then tenseness in Niragi’s shoulders as he holds open the door for him to squeeze through. "Where did you get the keys from?"

"I have my ways. That’s all you need to know." His backpack is pressed against his chest harshly. "And because you getting caught equals this building being compromised and then I’d have to scout for another place to crash for the night." Niragi pushes past him, his footsteps fast, but surprisingly quiet while he takes the stairs down. As if he has a lot of practice sneaking around places he shouldn’t be. Once more the mystery of Niragi’s sudden disappearance from university crosses his mind.

"That’s all? Selfish reasons, nothing more?" Arisu bites his tongue right after the words left his mouth. He may be in a more depressive phase again, but he didn’t thought to be that suicidal to try and awaken Niragi’s wrath.

"What’s it to you?"

"I…" Arisu frowns. What is it to me, indeed? I dodged getting caught and arrested, because Niragi decided to wake me up. His motives are irrelevant in that regard.

Niragi throws him a pointed look over the shoulder. "That’s what I thought."

There’s no goodbye or shared relief after they exit the building unseen; Niragi just hurries over the street and vanishes into the alleyway between the Tattoo Shop Kings & Queens and the Flower Shop Paws & Petals as if he’s merely a figment of Arisu’s mind.

IV.

♡♡♡♡

"Let us talk about your sleeping habits."

He tenses up.

"Do you still have those nightmares?"

He nods.

"In which frequencies?"

"It depends."

She waits.

"On … I guess, on my emotional state."

"Is it always the same dream?"

"Always the same. In different variations."

♡♡♡♡

Arisu is on his nightly mission to reach the toilets - which, with his newly acquired knowledge, excludes crawling under beds, over nightstands and jumping from said wobbly furniture to the other for the first time - when the noise reaches his ears. First barely audible, like the faint afterthought of something originating from one's own treacherous mind, a figment born from long shadows the furniture throw in the light of his flashlight. Something right out of a horror movie.

Arisu shivers, the pressure on his bladder forgotten. He pricks his ears, halts his breath. Listens into the overwhelming silence. Nothing. Of course there is nothing. There should be nothing. He's alone; Niragi isn't here tonight. Or at least Arisu did not see him enter (and he hates to admit that he did look out for the other a strangely large amount of times).

Fantasy. My mind playing tricks on- A whimper. Okay, no. There’s something, definitely. He isn't going crazy! And it's coming right from the bedroom section behind this separating wall.

With a queasy sensation inside his stomach, he makes another few steps forward, fighting the urge to run right back to his sleeping spot, grab his things and doom himself for a night at home. Listens again. Nothing for a very long moment and then... mumbling? Followed by another whimper? Niragi? Is he here after all? Only one way to find out.

Carefully he peeks around the corner that separates this bedroom section from another, ready to run for his life if need be. Relief rushes through him upon noticing the familiar figure curled up in a bed. It vanishes as soon as another whimper, this time clearer than the ones before, reaches his ears. Tormented. Filled with something Niragi would never allow to show in a conscious state.

He steps closer, carefully. "Niragi?" He keeps his voice soft and quiet, as not to scare the other.

When he shines the flashlight on the other, he notices the tremble going through his body, his tense shoulders. A slight film of swear shimmers on his too pale face, a deep frown on his forehead.

"D-Don't- No, p-please..."

Something in Arisu's heart breaks at the downright scared tremble in his voice.

"Niragi, hey..." Gently he reaches for his shoulder, trying to pull him out of the nightmare.

"Don't... Don't!"

"Niragi, wake up!" He shakes his shoulder a bit firmer, touches his cheek lightly and- With a loud yell Niragi shoots up from the bed, almost head-butting him in the process. Disoriented he fights against the touch like a madman, pleas of "Don't... no, don't..." tumbling past his lips.

"Hey, it's me. Niragi, it's-" Soft but decisive he takes his face in his hands and forces him to look at him. "Arisu. It's me, Arisu. It's okay, it was just a nightmare. Everything will be okay."

With wide, fearful eyes Niragi stares at him, through him, still not completely back. He ceased to fight against him, pale face glistening with sweat, but heaves for air desperately, as if he can’t really breathe.

"Just ... breathe in, okay? And out." Arisu demonstrates it, waits for the other to slowly but surely follow, breath ragged and uneven at first, then slowing down again, bit by bit. "Good, you’re doing good." He tries it with a shaky smile, ignoring how his own hands tremble lightly against his too pale face.

Once Niragi’s panic had subsided to a level where he can process the situation in its entirety, he pulls out of his grip immediately, turning his back to him and curling into himself again.

Arisu's hand twitches against the bedsheets, the urge to reach out and caress his shoulder or pull him into a hug hitting him unprepared and hard. Too close to home. This hits too close to home.

"Is there ... anything you need?" He asks instead, his own voice scratchy with emotions going beyond simple concern for the other man. "I can ... listen, if you wa-"

"Leave me alone..." comes the muffled response. "Please."

"I ..." Arisu sighs, running his hand through his shaggy hair. "Okay."

Arisu comes back twenty minutes later, with two plates of cheesecake, his backpack and his ultimate weapon against nightmares (approved by himself through multiple times of self-testing).

"W-What..-?"

"Scoot over," Arisu prompts him while throwing his backpack next to the other’s.

When Niragi only stares at him, speechless and bemused, he nudges him a bit to the side, soft but determined.

"Here." Without waiting for a response, he places the plate of cheesecake into his lap, smiling into Niragi's utterly perplex face.

"Now ..." Unbothered by the absence of any answer, he plops down onto the mattress next to him, making the cheesecake on his own plate tip over. "What's it gonna be?" With a childlike grin he holds up the two cartridges. "Mario Kart or Elden Ring?"

No answer; Niragi still blinks at him as if he is merely a strange figment of his mind.

"Then I’ll decide," Arisu shrugs his shoulders with a knowing little grin. "I'm better than you in both games, so it's whatever."

A snort; definitely involuntary, considering how Niragi tries to school his expression - and fails miserably. Arisu's grin get bigger. So you haven't lost your ambition and competitiveness in the last year, huh? Good to know, wouldn’t wanna have it any other way.

"Let’s see …" Putting on a pondering expression, he holds up the Elden Ring cartridge. "I can teach how to beat some bosses in Elden Ring. Or …" He spins the Mario Kart cartridge between his middle finger and thumb. "I can let you play time trial just to wreck your record right after."

"You wish," Niragi utters out, before he can press his lips together and keep it in.

"Oh, he can speak."

"…shut it."

Arisu chuckles, because the "insult" sounds adorably embarrassed above anything else.

"Come on," he nudges his shoulder with his own. Niragi frowns at him, but paired with the little blush around his nose? Yep, adorably embarrassed. Embarrassed and… Arisu swallows, averting his gaze back at the console. And very adorable. "I know you love games as much as I do, Mr. I’m acting indifferent while inwardly craving to beat his highscore."

Niragi sighs, as if it physically hurts him to give in. Arisu knows better. "How far in are you?" He takes the Elden Ring cartridge out of his hand.

Arisu raises his chin. "I beat Malenia." It took me fucking forever, but I did it.

Niragi lifts one eyebrow. "I swear, if you cheesed her with a bleed build, I lost all respect of you."

"So you’re admitting you do respect me?" Arisu grins, feeling a tad bit smug.

Niragi opens his mouth - and closes it again. Instead he huffs, puts the cartridge into the console and selects the game. While the game loads, Niragi searches for something in his backpack and-

Arisu swallows as the other puts the silver-framed glasses further up his nose with a versed finger motion. It has been way too long since he’d last seen the other with his glasses; his mind had almost forgotten how stylish they look on his face. How … attractive. Okay, don’t let your mind go there. Last thing you need is to be reminded of how pretty Niragi actually is, especially while sitting so close to him!

First thing Niragi does once loaded into the game is press the option button to open up his stats and equipment. In a speed that no gaming novice could bring up, Niragi skims over it, efficient and purposeful. He doesn’t comment on his setup, but Arisu notices the approving twist around his mouth, the all-too-missable affirming nod. Something warm unfolds inside his stomach, unfamiliar, yet far from uncomfortable. He scoots a bit closer; Niragi throws him a strange, almost skeptical sideglance.

"S-So I can see!" He splutters out, his neck prickling with heat.

Another snort and- Arisu halts his breath as Niragi scoots closer as well, their shoulders gently touching. "Wouldn’t want you to miss out learning from the best, hm?"

Alright, but why is his sassy attitude strangely attractive, too?

"Next up is the Nihil-Motherfucker," Niragi announces, as he chooses the Yelough Anix Tunnel Site of Grace in the Consecrated Snowfield.

"Uh … who?"

Niragi’s grin turns into a smirk, eyes glinting mischievously behind his glasses. "Oh, this is going to be fun."

"W-Wait..- Wait, what the fuck?!" Arisu smashes the dodge button furiously, perfectly on time with the NIHIL! - just to get greeted with the You Died taunt. "How am I supposed to dodge that?!"

Niragi only grins at him and that urges him to try again instead of just pressing the power button and ending this torture.

When he finally manages to beat Mohg, Lord of Blood he throws the console into to the mattress without much care and his arms around Niragi’s euphorically, eliciting a startled gasp out of the other.

"S-Sorry…" He mumbles after pulling back, his cheeks treacherously hot. It doesn’t help that Niragi lets out a freaking soft chuckle now.

"Congrats. You decided to go the blunt way and managed eventually."

"The..-" Arisu furrows his brows. "What do you..- Don’t tell me there is a way around his Nihil attack?!"

The amused glint in his eyes is answer enough.

"How- why didn’t you tell me?!"

"And deprive myself of watching you getting your ass handed to you? I don’t think so." Niragi grins, cheekily but strangely soft and-

Arisu tears his gaze away, for he fears his heart would otherwise jump out of his throat. "See? Gaming always helps with nightmares," he blurts out instead - and wants to slap himself right in the face when Niragi’s beautiful little grin vanishes. Stupid stupid stupid, why would you need to bring that up, idiot?!

"You … have nightmares often?"

He lifts his eyebrows, surprised about the sudden question. "Uhm … Sometimes?" He scratches his neck. This would be usually the point to cut the conversation short, but somehow … something about Niragi … "It’s been way worse right after my mom-" Arisu bites the inside of his cheeks, a new lump building in his throat. Ever since his mother died in their car accident four years ago, the only three people he talked about it with were Karube, Chota and his therapist. So why do I feel the need to tell him as well?

"Do you … miss her a lot?"

Arisu whips his head around. How does he-?

"Sorry." Niragi pulls up his knees, wraps his arms around them. He looks … small like that, vulnerable. The exuberant atmosphere is gone and it’s like coming down from an ecstatic high, left feeling exhausted and … strangely empty. "Wasn’t trying to bring that topic up."

Arisu swallows. "How did you know?"

"Overheard it when I was still…" Niragi bites his tongue, piercing peeking out. In university? "Sorry. ‘s not my place." He takes the console and moves the character out of the Boss area, but it’s without clear destination and rather lackluster.

"I…" How does one answer this question? How does one describe the staggering sensation of something irreversibly lost? Of someone you saw, talked to, laughed with every day with a taken-for-grantedness suddenly being ripped out of your life? Of the glue that held this construct called family together missing? Of imagining to hear her laughter in the kitchen and hurrying there - just to find the place empty and cold. To feel her ghost in every shadow, every plate missing on the table, every half-cooked meal, every pill swallowed to numb the pain. In every single drawn-out and depressing silence between him, his father and his brother.

How does one describe getting a part of yourself torn out so suddenly, so unexpectedly - never to return again?

One doesn’t. At least Arisu does not.

Instead he just says: "I do. Miss her."

Niragi hums, gazing past the display as if he’s far away in his own thoughts. The character gets struck down by a Sanguine Noble, but Niragi doesn’t even seem to notice.

"And …" He clears his throat, trying to fight the strange hoarseness in his tone. "Does it get better? The missing part? The hurting part? With time?"

As inconspicuously as possible, Arisu observes the other with a sideglance. There’s something vibrating in his voice, something in the way his shoulders are tensed-up, some particular expression in his eyes that has Arisu wondering.

"It should," he squeezes out eventually.

"But it doesn’t." It’s not a question.

V.

♡♡♡♡♡

"Do you consider yourself a burden to others?"

" …Sometimes."

"To whom?"

"My father. And brother."

" …"

" …my friends, sometimes."

"You and your friends go a long way back, if I remember correctly?"

"Since middle school, yes."

"Have they ever disappointed you in any way? Gave you the feeling you disappointed them?"

"Never."

"Why do you think you are a burden to them?"

" …"

♡♡♡♡♡

A few days later

Today is a bad day.

Arisu notices it right away, the sensation of all energy sucked out of him despite only waking up from an eight hour sleep. The utter exhaustion of merely thinking of getting up, like he’s standing on the foot of an insurmountable mountain. Why even trying? The world seems grey and dull in his eyes, while the sun outside shines brightly, giving life to flora and fauna.

He drags himself to university and into the auditorium and maybe that is a small victory, but it does not feel like it. Things should get better. He should get better and still..-

Arisu is no stranger to bad days. It doesn’t mean he has mastered the art of dealing with them yet.

"Excellent work on your project. Great on the execution and idea-wise. It reminded me of one work Niragi-kun did in his second year."

Arisu tenses.

"But I have to say, your coding is even more clean and thought-through. Fantastic work, Arisu-kun."

Arisu just nods. What would have filled him with a gleeful sensation of satisfaction over a year ago only leaves him with a sensation of utter indifference and emptiness.

VI.

♡♡♡♡♡♡

"Have you experienced urges or thoughts of self-harm since our last appointment?"

He stares down at his hands. Nods.

"What triggered those urges?"

What doesn’t?

"An argument with my father."

"What was the argument about?"

"My major. My … recent absence from home. My … me lacking. In general. In everything. He said that…"

" …"

His eyes sting. "That mom would be ashamed of me, if she was still alive."

"You do know that this is not true?"

He shrugs.

"Did you commit to those urges?"

A shake.

"How does it make you feel to know you withstood these urges?"

"Like doing the bare minimum."

"I … see."

" …"

"How do you feel whenever you get those urges?"

He presses his eyes close. " … ashamed." A shaky inhale. "A failure. And … stuck. I feel stuck. Everyone around me is moving forward, while I am still not..- not …"

"Healed?"

He nods.

"You made great progress since our first appointment two years ago."

" …"

"Is that why you distance yourself from your friends? Because you feel stuck in a place they are not a part of any longer?"

Silence.

He swallows dryly.

"I guess so …"

♡♡♡♡♡♡

Niragi is not here tonight. Arisu doesn’t mind.

Niragi is not here the next evening. Arisu doesn’t miss him.

Niragi is not here the evening after that either. Arisu has no reason to be worried or concerned, no reason to feel betrayed or sad, no reason for it to further his emotional state spiraling into a place he should avoid at all costs.

(Arisu has always been a terrible liar, most of all to himself.)

Sinking down further into the bed, he takes out his Switch.

The silence is overwhelming with the absence of cheeky comments, amused snorts or soft chuckles, only disrupted by his lackluster button pressing while attempting to beat Maliketh, the Black Blade.

You died.

And again.

You died.

And again.

You died.

Repeat.

Fail.

Repeat.

Fail.

Repeat.

Fail.

Die.

Repeat.

Fail.

Repeat.

Fail.

Why are you even trying anymore?

Repeat.

Fail.

Repeat.

Fail.

Repeat.

Fail.

Fail.

Fail.

That’s all you do.

Fail while trying.

Fail without trying.

Whatever you do, it’s never enough.

You are never enough.

Arisu puts the console away and wonders when his life became a video game made for masochists.

And if it would not be better to AltF4-

The next day, after skipping classes and Karube’s and Chota’s messages, he schedules an emergency appointment with Dr. Kano.

VII.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

"Do you feel isolated from your environment? The people around you?"

He swallows. "I do."

"Can you specify from whom?"

"My family. My friends."

"University?"

A slow nod. "Almost everyone."

The pen scraping across the paper halts. "Almost?"

"I … met someone …"

"Oh?"

" …"

"What is different about them?"

"He doesn't care about me."

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Irony has it that Arisu’s ‘comfort cafe’, Sunshine to Go, is closed due to someone breaking and entering overnight. Tatta, the owner, and two policemen stand in front of the bashed in window front, the usually sunny attitude of the guy crestfallen and worried. No matter how much Arisu wants to go over to him and hug him, he keeps his head low and rushes past them instead, his heart beating out of his chest.

For a long moment he wonders if this is a bad omen, a sign that he should stop with his nightly trips, a warning of how things could end up for him as well. Then he’s reminded of how each and every second at home feels like suffocating, like someone pushing the air out of your lungs, wrapping their cold, dead fingers around your throat and squeezing squeezing squeezing, tighter and tighter until he’s left terrified by the powerlessness that comes with the silence wrapping him in a cocoon of suffering and depression and, worst of all, stagnation.

So instead of worrying his head further about where he’s going to spend the night, he checks for the next best well-rated cafe.

The smell of coffee and sweets fills his nostrils as soon as he steps inside the cafe, the little doorbell announcing his arrival. Arisu looks around, curiously. He’s never been in here, since Sunshine to Go is his cafe to go, but immediately he likes the warm and welcoming atmosphere this cafe emits. The decor is a mixture of "fashionable" and "cozy", with wooden table and seats that invite to prolong one’s stay, flower pots that give the cafe a natural touch of liveliness and artistic pictures on the walls that Arisu could not get a meaning out of it, but that still add to this weird charm.

But the real highlight, Arisu has to find out right after making his first steps into the cafe, is the man establishing eye contact with him and striding towards him with such an energy that the earrings - heart-shaped on the right ear, a clubs shaped one on the left - whip up and down. The few red strands in his otherwise white-blondish hair match his ruby-red shirt and the leather pants he’s wearing. Arisu’s gaze wanders further down and- Are those…?

"Oh, a new one! Come come, don’t be shy," The man announces, smiling down at him, because yes, those are platform boots, adding six inches minimum to his height. "Welcome to Satoki Cafe Paradise, I’m the Ki and chaotic half of the Sa." The man grins widely at him.

Arisu blinks at him. Ki? Chaotic half of..-? What kind of riddle game is this? Why does he sound like he’s part of a video game? Wait..- SHIT, why does he remind me of that one boss character in Niragi’s Borderland game?! Why does everything lead back to Niragi in the first-?

"Sa-To-Ki?" The man emphasizes and motions behind him to the counter. Satoki Cafe Paradise, in all the colors the rainbow can offer. Oh. "I’m Sa-Sa-Ki. The Ki and chaotic half of the Sa. My lovely husband, Sato, is responsible for the To and the other half of the Sa. Also management and finances. Shared beds and shared responsibilities, or however that saying goes."

"Husband?" Arisu echoes, momentarily overwhelmed by the high energy the man radiates.

"We live and let live, I hope?" Sasaki smiles at him, but it has a very certain edge now that nearly triggers Arisu’s fight or flight response. "We married in Denmark last year, if that’s why you looked confused. If it is for other, less tolerant reasons, our menu here in Satoki Cafe Paradise is probably too colorful and … fruity for your tastes."

"No no no! Didn’t mean it like that! I’m not- uh- I’m into- I mean, I’m fruity- No, wait, that’s- uh … I’m- I LOVE ALL THE RAINBOW COLORS!"

Oh god, where’s the ALTF4 button combination to exit out of this situation?

Sasaki lifts his eyebrow, but at least his smile is back to the winsome, charming one. "Lovely to hear. Then let me get you to a free table, hm? Secluded? More in the middle? Anyone joining you?"

"Uh … alone. And secluded." Why does saying those words feel like just confessing something very personal?

"The lovely window seat in the back, then." Sasaki guides him to a smaller, but secluded and cozy looking table. Just what he searched for to hopefully get some work for his classes done. "Just remember. You can be in here alone, but never lonely, okay? Great! Our lovely waiter will take your order soon." With that and another charismatic smile, he vanishes behind the counter and then into the kitchen area. Arisu stares after him, still puzzled about his words. Is it … that obvious to him? Normally people don’t see past his bubbly, optimistic, albeit sometimes naive smile and attitude, not wanting to get a glimpse of what lies underneath. Maybe his facade begins to crack. And maybe he can’t force himself to care anymore.

With a sigh Arisu pulls his laptop out of his case and opens up the string of unfinished coding that needs to be done due next week. Then there’s the unfinished 3D model for his Visual and Motion Design class that doesn’t quite look right yet. And the essay for his Storytelling Classes which he can’t put off another week, for Samura will have his head otherwise. Lately, home work has been piling and piling up and Arisu, despite loving his study, has increased difficulties to keep up. Or focus, really, his mind drifting in and out of the lecture more often that not, his mind a jumbled mess. He hopes his additional therapy sessions will actually help to prevent another strong episode of depression or at the very least, help him to pull through it easier.

"Hello, what can I get…?"

Wait, that voice?!

Arisu whips his head around - and stares right into Niragi’s widened eyes, reflecting the same surprise as Arisu’s do.

"I … I didn’t know you work here?"

"W-Why would you…" Niragi mumbles into a few strands of hair framing his face, gaze averted now. A blush adorns his cheeks, matching the red shirt with ‘Satoki Cafe Paradise’ written on it. Arisu tries to ignore how tightly the black waiter’s apron is wrapped around his middle. Did he always have such a … slender waist?

"What can I get you?" Rapidly Niragi taps the pen against his little writing pad, looking anywhere but him. Is he embarrassed about me knowing he works here?

"Uh … one Latte Macchiato and … one of those chocolate cherry cupcakes?"

"Chocolate cherry cupcakes?!" Niragi’s head snaps up.

"Yeah?" Arisu raises his eyebrows. "Or … is something wrong with them? You, uh … recommend something else instead?"

Niragi tugs his bottom lip between his teeth, the red tinted color now spreading out to his ears. Then he shakes his head and vanishes into the kitchen without another word.

Arisu, honest to god, moans when the taste of dark chocolate, cherry and a faint touch of cinnamon explodes inside his mouth in the most delicious combination his taste buds had ever experienced. No clue why Niragi acted that strange when they taste this goddamned delicious!

No surprise that the cupcake is gone sooner that expected. Which leads to him ordering another. Which, for whatever reason, leads to Niragi spotting another blush on his face. (Which leads to him noticing how lovely said blush looks on the otherwise so pale face and to him denying that thought in the same second.)

The rest of the afternoon Arisu is indecisive about which homework to finish first and whenever he stumbles upon a problem, instead of trying to come up with a solution, he switches to another one, which leaves him with minimal progress on every homework and none finished.

"That’s 2460 yen," Niragi rattles down and gives him the bill once he motioned that he’d like to pay. Arisu tries not to let it get to him, the fact that Niragi can’t seem to look at him even once.

Biting the inside of his cheeks, he reaches into his purse.

‘Can I see you again?’, lies on the tip of his tongue, quickly swallowed down by insecurity that is deeply rooted inside him.

"Are you … there tonight?" comes over his lips in the end and finally, Niragi gives him a look, a long look, one of those that hold so much different emotions that it’s impossible to decipher any of them at all.

Then he takes the money, wishes him a good evening like he’s just another random customer and does what he does best: Vanishing.

Niragi is nowhere to be seen. Arisu tries not to let it bother him.

It bothers him. It bothers him that much that he starts to walk around the aisles of furniture without a real destination. (Lie. He circles back and forth between all the exits and entrances, each and every time the naive hope blooming to see a familiar figure.)

It shouldn’t bother him in the first place. Niragi does not have any obligations towards him. Arisu doesn’t even know the first thing about him, beyond what he’d learned from their two years in university together. (Lie, again. He knows quite a lot about Niragi: He is using this place almost as often as he does. He knows that whatever awaits the other at home - wherever that may be - is worth risk getting jail time just to avoid. He knows Niragi has his own demons he’s very much secretive about and that he’s plagued by nightmares. He knows the other is far less rough and rude than he wants himself to be seen; in truth he almost reminds him of a fluffy cuddly plushie, locked up in a dangerously looking high security safe. Most of all, he realizes to his own chagrin that he’s not indifferent to Niragi. And that the emotions Niragi elicits in him, it’s not frustration or irritation anymore.)

At around 2 o’clock, Arisu lays his hopes of seeing him to rest for this night.

In the morning, around 5.15 a.m. when his alarm rings, Arisu wakes up to a ‘Satoki Cafe Paradise’ bag sitting innocently next to ‘his’ bed on the night stand - or so he thinks, because this must have been a hallucination, a trick of his own stupid mind. He rubs his eyes and blinks. Furrows his brow. Blinks again. And a third time, for good measurement, but no, the bag, however magically or realistically it had appeared, does not vanish into thin air.

When Arisu opens it in curiosity, his stomach tingling with a soft, unexpected warmth, the prominent flavor chocolate and cherry greets him. His eyes turn round as the moon, because these are…

With a big grin he goes for the first cupcake - and finds a piece of paper. It’s placed neatly at the bottom of the bag, which seems like a strange way to convey a message. Almost as if he couldn’t decide whether he wants him to find the note or not.

It only has Arisu’s heart beating up to his throat, when he fishes the paper out and unfolds it.

See this as an incentive for you to always keep at least ten beds between you and me. (You snore in your sleep like a chainsaw on a mission to clear a whole forest), Niragi

Arisu can’t stop the little smile from forming on his lips, something blooming inside him that he thought to have been ripped out by its roots a long time ago.

VIII.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

She looks up from her paper, eyebrows raised.

"And how does it make you feel that he doesn’t seem to care?"

"I … it’s not like he doesn’t care. I think." he clarifies. "It’s …he doesn’t feel responsible for me. Doesn’t … I’m not a charity case."

"Does his lack of ‘responsibility’ towards you feel … freeing?"

"Kind of?"

"Can you describe it for me? In more detail perhaps?"

"I don’t feel like … forcing a facade around him. Or like..-" He swallows dryly, stares at his shoes.

" …"

"Like a failure. Or a burden."

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

"I want to know if I can trust you," Arisu says one evening, mouth full of chocolate-cherry heaven.

Niragi looks up from where he played around on his phone in casual boredom. His glasses are slightly askew from supporting his head with his hand. Arisu, like so many times before, ignores the urge to adjust them.

Over the last two weeks, they have gotten closer tentatively, a silent mutual agreement that if - for whatever reasons - they are in the same boat, it’s better not to try and throw each other overboard. (Arisu loves to tease the other about his previous comment about ‘rather taking his chances out in the open water’; Niragi always reacts with a frown, a half-hearted "Not too late to throw you to the sharks" and the beginning of a faint blush on his cheeks.)

By now, meeting up in the little bistro on the top level of the furniture shop has become a strangely calming routine. Sometimes they talk a bit - about random things, smalltalk, games or movies or books; more private conversations like the one they had after Niragi’s nightmare haven’t come up ever since -, sometimes they just sit together in a silence that, for once, does not feel depressing or uncomfortable for him.

Sometimes he brings along pizza from PizzaHatter; most of the times Niragi contributes a large bag from Satoki Cafe Paradise.

Just like tonight.

"You’re munching the cupcakes I baked, Arisu. Not for the first time, by the way." Niragi points out with a roll of his eyes. "It’s a bit too late to start questioning if my secret mastermind plan is to pull an Agent 47 move on you, don’t you think?"

"You played through the whole series?"

"Nothing more satisfying than killing your target in style." Niragi shrugs nonchalant, yet his gaze stays on him directly. "Why the question? About trusting me?"

"Remember the time you woke me up? Because workers arrived earlier?"

"I remember dragging your lazy ass through the building, yes." Niragi rolls his eyes, but it lacks malice or real irritation.

"You said what’s it to me, to know whether you did that for only selfish reasons."

A frown appears on Niragi’s forehead. "And?"

"And I care to know if you seriously wouldn’t give a shit about me getting arrested." I care to know … what this is. Only a community of purpose … or something else.

Silence. Except for Niragi drumming his fingers against the counter in rapid speed. "I don’t get anything out of you getting arrested, if that’s what you mean?"

Ouch. "That’s all?"

"What you wanna hear from me, Arisu?" A frown. Then a sigh, almost tired, almost bored and irritated and it pushes his buttons more than he expected.

"You disappeared on me that day." Arisu presses his lips together in an attempt to hold in the accusation - he never learned to control his mouth, though: "Again."

"Again?" Niragi’s eyebrows twitch upwards. "The fuck you’re talking about?"

"University…" He crosses his arms in front of his chest, not able to care how petty this may sound. "The thing we had going on."

"T-Thing?" Niragi stumbles over his word.

"The competitiveness between us," Arisu rolls his eyes a bit. Is he seriously playing stupid now? "How you always challenged me? How I tried to be better than you in at least one freaking class, but still you..-" He lets out a frustrated huff. "And then one day you were just gone and it …" Arisu ruffles up his hair with a sigh. "It was frustrating, okay? Cause who I’d direct my rivalry, all my effort at now? It’s like we had that unspoken contest between us and just when I tried my best to finally beat you, you just … disappeared."

When Arisu looks up from his cupcake and at Niragi, he’s met with the embodiment of confusion.

"What?" he asks.

"I never saw you as a rival."

"WHAT? What about all the taunting and mocking?" Arisu throws back.

"The what?" Niragi blinks at him, as if he just asked him if elephants can fly. (Well, they certainly could in Niragi’s test project for the first semester, a zoo management simulator with fantasy elements).

"Your … grin. The way you raised your eyebrow whenever we were put in the same group and I made a suggestion."

As if on command Niragi’s left eyebrow wanders up, drawing attention to the silver piercing. "Like this?" he asks, an amused undertone, a grin that is..-

"No, not like..- or, I mean, I…-" Arisu furrows his brow, confused about how similar his current expression looks to those that always irritated or frustrated him or, even worse, left him feeling embarrassed and shy in Niragi’s proximity. Confused about how it only radiates soft amusement and not even a fragment of arrogance or mockery. What the…?

"I …" A laugh escapes Niragi’s throat; the way he runs his fingers through his messy bun is a clear sign of nervosity, though. "That’s my way of being playful with someone. Should’ve known it can be misinterpreted, considering my resting bitch face."

Arisu’s jaw drops. "P-Playful?!" Wait what? Why…? "You- Why you’d try to be playful?"

A shrug, gaze down at his fingernails, chipped off black nail polish glinting in the soft lighting. "You seemed cool, I guess? Not stuck-up like the others. And your ideas were weird, but in the funny and original kind of way, thus the … eyebrow raise."

Arisu seriously wonders if he stepped into a parallel universe without noticing it. "So you wanted … what? To befriend me?"

"I wouldn’t go that far. You were nice to work with. Refreshing. That’s all."

Arisu raises his eyebrow in return, because first and foremost, two people can play this game, and secondly, Niragi’s tone may sound dismissive, yet his Adams Apple bobs up and down in quick succession, his gaze averted to the side. Upon a closer look, he thinks to make out a soft blush on his cheeks, furthering his suspicion that-

"I’m not good at making … friends." It’s mumbled so quietly, Arisu almost missed it. "I like to keep to myself."

"Happy to inform you that we’re past the point of keeping to ourselves, considering we spent nights together in here," Arisu smiles and takes the chance to add: "Sounds more like we’re on friend-base now."

Niragi regards him with a rather penetrating gaze; Arisu ignores how hard his heart suddenly pounds underneath the stare of the other, because friends do not make one’s heart lose composure like this.

"Involuntary accomplices in criminal activities," Niragi corrects him with a light frown.

"Friendly accomplices in criminal activities," Arisu grins and it comes surprisingly easy. Not forced, not feigned, not out of a feeling of needing to, just … out of the situation. He likes it. He likes how Niragi makes him feel. He … shit, he may as well start to like Niragi. Period.

Niragi sighs. "Acceptable accomplices in criminal activities."

"With the possibility of upgrading to friendly?"

Niragi rolls his eyes. "What-the-fuck-ever." But he says so with the ghost of a smile curling around his lips.

IX.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

"Do you feel guilty for your mother’s death?"

"I wasn’t the one driving the car."

"No, you weren’t."

" …"

" …"

"Sometimes I..-"

" …"

" …wish it would have been my father. Sitting in the passenger seat. Instead of her."

Scraping across paper. It’s barely long enough to disrupt the silence.

He bobs his knees up and down.

Bites his bottom lip.

Releases it with a shaky exhale. "Sometimes I wish it..-"

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

"Eating contest?" Arisu suggests while taking a look into the fridge in the bistro. "Whoever eats more cheesecake?"

A disbelieving snort.

"No?" Arisu closes the fridge and turns back around to where Niragi leans over the counter - observing him very intently.

"U-Uh …" Scratching his neck he evades the other’s amused gaze … and whatever the glint in those brown eyes mean. The one that has begun to appear more frequently ever since they started to hang out in here together at night. The one that always manages to catch him off-guard, throw his heart off-track and has it beating twice as fast. "Another round of Elden Ring?"

"Playing Elden Ring with a charge cable attached to the console?!" Niragi glares at him as if deeply offended, while munching down the last of the strawberry-vanilla cupcake he brought with him. "Are you out of your mind?!"

Arisu rolls his eyes, smiling. Niragi turned out to be very peculiar about everything regarding gaming - which includes not playing any Dark Souls’esque games with a charge cable holding back his ‘impressive skills’. It’s … endearing, almost. Arisu clears his throat and pushes that thought as far back down as possible.

"Then … whoever finds four red things and brings them here first?" Arisu continues his suggestions for their ‘nightly fun activity’. Last week they had played cards and much to Arisu’s chagrin, Niragi has absolutely wrecked him 95% of the time and when Niragi suggested a round of chess instead, blinking way too innocently through his long eyelashes, Arisu had declined right away (and wondered why Niragi is blessed with pretty shaped eyes that only add to Arisu’s nervosity around the other).

Niragi gives him a long look, before rummaging in his pockets for a moment and pulling out a red cigarette lighter, a cupcake key chain - in red - and his smartphone, where Arisu is greeted by a red case with a logo of … Stray Kids? Huh … isn’t that…?

"They’re a K-Pop band, right?"

"Sure they are," Niragi shrugs, eyes narrowed a bit. "You have a problem with it?"

"No," Arisu pushes his hands into his pants pockets - and grins. "I’m more of a Seventeen listener, though." He’d been to four of their concerts and loved every single second of it; he even had the chance to make a photo and talk with his bias Jeonghan afterwards.

Niragi’s eyebrows wander up. "They’re… not bad, yeah," he coughs a bit, as if it’s his default setting to be objecting his words and having to agree on something throws him off-guard. "’specially the hip hop unit…"

"RIGHT?! Fire is absolute … well, fire!"

A snort slips past Niragi’s lips. "Truer words have never been spoken. I win, by the way." Niragi mentions to the items on the counter.

"You haven’t. Four, that’s only-"

Niragi fumbles around with his hair and shows him a red bobby pin, one eyebrow raised in a ’You wanna say?’ fashion, before putting it back in place. Shit, longer hair really suits him…

"Fine," Arisu groans. "You win."

"’Course I do." Even with the little mocking sneer around his around mouth, Arisu doesn’t feel attacked or challenged.

"What about … Parkour course over-"

"My dead corpse."

"I’d rather have you alive and simping for S.Coups than quiet and dead, though," Arisu jokes back.

Niragi’s face turns red instantly. "I-I’M NOT SIMPING FOR-!"

"Vernon then? Mingyu? Oh, Wonwoo… now that one I totally get, there’s something about guys with glass-" Arisu snaps his mouth shut, his face mirroring the color of a tomato.

"Guys with glasses, hm?" Niragi chuckles, smiles amused - and pushes his silver-framed glasses back up the bridge of his nose. Fucking tease.

"K-Pop Idols with glasses!"

"Sure."

"I-It’s the truth, I..- Glasses on Idols look … nice."

"Very nice," Niragi sing sangs.

"Oh, haha, very funny."

"Oh, my … someone is blushing."

"I hate you," Arisu sighs without an ounce of malice in his voice.

"If you do, your attitude should … back it up," Niragi laughs lowly, dark brown eyes glinting with mirth behind his glasses.

"You’d rather I tell you I don’t understand but I love you?" Arisu counters, because two can play this game. When Niragi doesn’t answer and stares at him with widened eyes instead, Arisu is quick to clarify: "I-It’s a another song title! From t-the performance unit! I-I didn’t-"

"Well, fuck my life," Niragi chuckles, back to amused. "Confessing through song titles. If that isn’t a … Home Run."

Arisu blinks at him, slowly and baffled. Whatever he expected, it was not for Niragi to get this playful with him out of nowhere. It’s a stark contrast to how Niragi had acted towards him when they first met in here three months ago - and even back in their shared classes he hadn’t joked around like that with him. Or maybe Arisu just didn’t recognize it.

"For someone acting like they don’t know Seventeen, you know an awful lot of song titles."

"Cause my knowledge is … limitless. Easy."

Arisu frowns. Limitless? He can’t remember there being a Seventeen song called Limitless.

"Limitless? By Ateez?" Niragi prompts and, as Arisu shrugs his shoulders, stares utterly offended at him. "One of their Japanese Releases? Don’t fucking tell me you don’t know ATEEZ?!"

"I-"

"I can’t even come up with a fitting song title to express my utter disappointment," Niragi shakes his head, right before grabbing his smartphone. "Give me your number."

"Huh?"

Niragi’s gaze darts up from his phone for a long second. "Your phone number." He lifts his left eyebrow in demand. "Gonna send you some of their songs, so that you finally get educated on their masterpieces."

"Uh… o-okay?" Ignoring the heat shooting in his cheeks - if I’d have known this is the way to get your phone number, Niragi … - he obeys.

In less than half a minute, Spotify links to Limitless, Cyberpunk, This World and Royal plop up in his messenger.

"You better listen to them, if you want this friendship to continue."

"Friendship?"

"Shut up," Niragi mumbles under his breath and averts his gaze back to his phone, face flushed with an adorable red hue.

"That another song title?"

"No, just my standard answer."

"Answer is a title, am I right?" Arisu rolls his eyes, when he’s greeted with a little grin. "Whatever."

"That’s my line."

"I don’t think you patented that one."

"Whatever." Niragi looks at him, grin turning a bit wider - and then they break out into a well-needed laughing fit.

"Back to the topic of what we could do to pass the time," Arisu says, still breathless and giggling. Across the counter, Niragi is wiping his glasses, because they got fogged-up from how much he laughed. He has a very lovely laugh and- Arisu shakes off the thought, before it can grown into something even more treacherous. "What about … Hide and Seek? On all floors? With only our smartphone lights allowed?"

Niragi’s eyes turn round as the moon. "What about abso-fucking-lutely not?!"

Arisu chuckles and holds up his hands. "Sorry, just joking. I know you don't like anything that’s spooky or horror-related, so let me-"

"Who said that?"

Arisu smiles at him. "You did."

Niragi frowns deeply, eyes narrowed in a way Arisu may have found intimidating in the past, but only makes them look even more expressive. "No, I didn't?"

But he did. Not verbally, but Arisu remembers the second project Niragi represented in their class to the prompt "Horror - reinvented": A classic concept of a home being haunted, with a twist of the house's state representing and changing with the owner's mental state, turning more and more deranged and into a prison the further one got into the game. (Arisu was very reluctant to admit it, but the game has touched and resonated with him at that time in a way that none other game had before).

If one managed to collect all the seemingly random items hidden in the game - a pair of broken glasses next to the baseball bat in the shed; a small white animal figure sitting on top of a picture frame, showing a mountain landscape; an umbrella in rainbow colors locked away in a basement cabinet; a single clematis in a hidden compartment in the freezer - one got access to the secret ending: A hidden safe in the office, which opened with a jumpscare of a chopped off finger flying right at the player (and which had Arisu's father banging against his door in anger, telling him to "keep it down!", instead of asking why his son screamed like an actor in a horror movie in the middle of the night). Apart from that, he found a 1400 yen coupon code for Steam and a note saying:

"I doubt you'll ever read this, Sakamoto-san, but if you have by some wonder, I hope you got the jumpscare of your lifetime for forcing me to create a horror game when I absolutely hate everything horror-related!"

Arisu tells him exactly that now.

"You … you played through the game? Three times?" Niragi appears a mix of shocked, disbelieving … and very flustered.

He shrugs, tracing the wooden floor pattern with the pointy end of his shoe. "It … resonated with me. Back then. So yeah, I played it a few times. Enough to find the items and open the secret safe. It was … kind of cathartic."

"Oh."

"Thanks for the coupon code, though." He’s still not looking at Niragi. "Helped me to get the Sims real cheap. I know I know, sounds like a boring game, but it’s my go-to game to relax," Arisu rambles on in rapid speed, because talking without an ending in sight is his defense mechanism. "You know there are a lot of mods to make the base game way cooler? Adding all kinds of jobs and events? One time my chara ended up breaking his phone at a Game Developer Showcase, cause he bungee-jumped at another game’s booth? BUNGEE-JUMPED?! You ever heard of a game booth offering bungee-jumping?" He laughs, nervously. "Afterwards the chara just decided to ditch his duty and play the demo of whatever game, it was-"

"Arisu?"

His mouth snaps shut, his throat tightened up. "Hm?"

No answer. Silence. With a dry swallow he lifts his head from where he’d been staring at the counter in feigned interest.

He’s met by a strangely compassionate gaze. "When you said …" Niragi begins, tone untypically hesitant and soft. "That my game resonated with you back then… did you..- Were you-"

A noise, echoing through the building and having them flinching. Their heads snap around.

"Did you hear that?"

Niragi doesn’t answer verbally, yet the way he puts all his belongings back into his pockets in rapid speed is highly alarming.

More noises. Voices. Barely audible, almost like a figment of one’s imagination.

"You hear it too, right?"

Niragi jumps down from the bar stool without an answer and hastes towards the open area in the middle that allows an overlook over the lower floors.

Arisu quickly follows, a queasy sensation rising inside his stomach. He crossed half the distance - when Niragi whips back around and runs towards him. "Someone’s here! Two, at least two, m-maybe three, fuck!"

"Wha- What do you mean here?! Who?!"

"I don’t know how, fuck," Niragi rakes his fingers through his hair, walking back and forth erratically. "I can’t- I fucking made sure the cameras are off, I- fuck fuck fu-"

A noise, like the elevator-

"Oh shit!" Arisu curses out. "They’re coming up here. Why are they coming right up, Niragi?!" They’re coming up here and they will find you and arrest you and nobody is gonna care enough about you to bail you out of jail, because you made sure to push everyone away, like the miserable piece of shit you are. "Oh shit oh shit oh shit, what now, what- I can’t- I-"

"Shut up!" Niragi grabs his shoulders harsh and forces him to look at him. "Listen, okay? I need you to listen, ‘cause I can’t fucking have a complaint on my name or go to prison. And neither can you," he utters out with forced calmness, but the hasty look over his shoulder betrays him.

"Y-Yeah…" Arisu nods shakily, trying to calm his breath.

"Good. First, we need to hide. Then we need to get our backpacks. And then we bail out of here, get it?"

"I-I..-"

The noise of the elevator stops with a squeal that sounds too near for being anywhere else than their floor. How long before they-?

"We’ll manage, okay?" Quickly Niragi pushes the hood over Arisu’s head, pulling it deep in his face, before doing the same with his own. Then he hauls him underneath one of the tables with a seat booth without any warning.

"Ow…" Arisu rubs his upper arm, but right now a light bruise seem the least of his problems.

"Sorry," Niragi whispers and sticks out his head a bit.

"Can you see any-?"

Niragi freezes.

"What is it- Hey?!" Arisu’s eyes widen as Niragi crawls out of their cover in rapid speed. "What are you doing?!" Arisu hisses and throws a look out from underneath the table to see Niragi hurrying to the counter and grabbing the empty bag. Two male voices echo through the aisles. Niragi snaps his head around. The voices sound clearer now. Nearer. Near. Flashlights closer to where Niragi is standing on full sight and- in the last second he runs back and dives under the table, knocking his shoulder into Arisu’s side. He doesn’t care, instead pulling Niragi’s legs further underneath the table and seating booth and away from the beam of light inching along the edge of the table only a second later.

"What the fuck?!" Arisu whispers, barely able to keep the tremble out of his voice.

With a harsh movement Niragi holds up the bag with the Satoki Cafe Paradise label on it, before tucking it into his jeans pocket as quietly as possible. "I ain’t getting them in trouble, for fuck’s sake."

"Smart thinking."

"We just-" Both their mouths snap shut, breath held in as the steps are dangerously close now. Cramped up together, Arisu feels his heart vibrating wildly against Niragi’s back.

"You sure it’s not a false alarm?", a bored voice says.

"How often did we have a false alarm regarding ‘lights in the building’?"

"… None?"

"Correct, Enji." The other male counters, voice eerily calm and still…- An uncomfortable shiver shoots down Arisu’s spine and on instinct, he presses his face closer into Niragi’s shoulder, the smell of lavender and coffee eliciting a confusing sensation of safety and nervosity at the same time. "So when that old creep from across says he saw some lights in the upper floor…?"

A sigh. "We investigate it."

"Light? Which light?" Arisu whispers into Niragi tense shoulder. No immediate answer.

"Correct again. You get better at answering my questions to my liking." Arrogance. Mockery.

Another sigh. "I hate you."

"The automatic ones," Niragi answers delayed between clenched teeth. "Toilets."

"Oh, as much as you love me, I’m sure." A high-pitched snicker. "Passionately, so- WHERE ARE YOU?!"

Niragi flinches against him and Arisu slaps his hands over his mouth to keep the scream inside that sits in the back of his throat.

"FUCKING HELL, BANDA!"

A low chuckle. "Oh, did that scare you? So sorry, Darling." Unstable. Oh god, he’s a fucking psycho. Niragi has come to the same conclusion because on instinct he scoots further back into Arisu and away from the two guys, squeezing him tight between the end of the seating booth and his body.

"We know you’re heeheeere." The voice sing-sangs sweetly now, as if he’s reciting a children’s song to a bunch of kindergarten kids. "Come out come out to play with us… before I drag you out!"

The loud growl, way too close, echos in Arisu’s ears and- Shoes. Stopping right. In. Front. Of. Their. Table. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. Sweat builds in his neck, the hood way too hot. He doesn’t dare to pull it down. Doesn’t dare to move. Or breathe. Or think too loud, too much, too vividly, because his lungs already feel uncomfortably constricted and the last thing they both need is him getting a full-blown panic attack with the guards literally less than a meter away.

Next to him, Niragi doesn’t do any better, his body trembling against his own. Blindly he reaches out. Finds Niragi’s hand, cold, sweaty. He squeezes softly. Niragi doesn’t pull away.

"We should start with looking under the tables, hm?", ‘Banda’ whistles.

Niragi squeezes back.

"Who’s stupid enough to hide under a table?"

WE! WE ARE! PLEASE BE TOO SMART FOR US!

"People act irrational when under pressure," ‘Banda’ retorts in a tone that has Arisu’s toes curling with an uncomfortable sensation. "Now go down and look."

He holds his breath. Blood rings in his ears. The pressure on his chest borders on unbearable. He presses his eyes close and prays to whatever higher entity there might be to make it out alive and without handcuffs around his wrists.

A snort. "I know what you’re trying to do," ‘Enji’ says.

A chuckle. Dark. Rich. Psychopathic. Silence, stretching into a small eternity, charged up with- Arisu flinches like a startled deer, when the table above their heads shakes violently, a weight pressed down against it with a loud rumple and a gasp. Arisu’s heart skips a beat, then thudthudthuds wildly inside his chest. Niragi has his hand on his mouth now, too, face sickly pale, as if he’s going to faint any second now.

"You do not seriously think I’d need pretenses to have you … bent over for me, do you?"

Arisu tears open his eyes in consternation, eyes flickering to where a second pair of legs push the other’s apart and- What the hell what the hell what the hell?! Niragi turns his head and meets his gaze, reflecting the same bewilderment and horror that has taken over him.

Another sigh. Different this time. Drawn out, breathless and- "N-No." Scratchy. Oh hell no, don’t fucking tell me..-

"Oh, look at you, Darling. Already so … affected, hm?"

"Yes…" It’s almost a plea now, hidden behind a rough murmur and Arisu is confronted with the fact that he doesn’t know what he fears more: Getting caught or being an involuntary witness to these guys getting it on over the table they are hiding under!

Another gasp, a tad bit pained. "Why always my hair…?" The table squeaks in relief, freed from the weight again. Did he just pull him back up by his hair?!

"Because you enjoy the pain it brings, Darling," Banda murmurs and the sadistic grin is audible in his voice. Arisu swallows. Niragi squeezes his hand harder. "Unfortunately, we have some delinquents to catch. Now keep your eyes open."

Arisu exhales when they finally step away from the table, walk past them and further into the little open bistro area.

"They’re fucking crazy," he utters out against Niragi’s back, who just murmurs back a: "We need to get the fuck out of here."

"But how?" The bistro area is a dead end, only leading to the toilets and a small terrace. They could try to run for it but..- "How high are the chances they will catch us if we just run for it?"

"I’m not a fucking parkour runner, Arisu," Niragi curses under his breath, taking a few long and forced calm in- and exhales before moving forward to peek out.

"What- Hey!" He grabs his shoulders and holds him back from downright crawling out. "What are you doing?"

"We need a distraction." Niragi fumbles around in his pocket, holding up the lighter.

"You wanna set a fire?" He hisses. "Are you crazy? If they-"

"Not a fire. What the fuck, Arisu?" Niragi gives him a judging look under which he feels utterly stupid. "Throwing this … maybe if I’m close enough, down to the entrance floor. So they search somewhere else. We're gonna split up and create as much distraction, confuse-"

"Splitting up?! The ones splitting up always end up getting slaughtered in-"

"We're not in a horror flick. Get a grip, goddamn."

Arisu feels himself blush, embarrassed about being reprimanded by him. They're in this situation together; if he starts to panic and gets caught, he not only fucks up his own future, but Niragi’s as well.

"Okay," he takes a deep breath, and focuses. "What’s the plan?"

Step one: Allowing Niragi to risk his life by crawling out of their hiding spot, sneaking behind the big service cart and then throwing his lighter over the open rotunda down onto the ground floor. After Arisu had persisted to do that task instead and had been reprimanded that they have no time to discuss that now.

Arisu takes a peek out of where he’s still hiding. The voices from the two guards are somewhere behind him, but quieter, not right next to him. He thinks he can make out a thumbs up in the darkness where he assumes Niragi to hide and then- the noise of the lighter hitting the floor on the ground-floor echoes through the otherwise quiet building.

Step two: Praying that they fall for the trick.

"What was that?" Footsteps come closer again and Arisu pulls his head back. Holds his breath. Prays that they go looking. Prays that they won’t find Niragi in the process.

"Oh … someone wants to play." Another chuckle, closer to where he’s hiding again, and like the first time it manages to elicit a cold shiver down his spine. "Go look downstairs, Enji."

"Fine." Another sigh, then footsteps growing more distant.

"Now … let’s play a bit first, hm? My shy little lamb…" The man’s voice sways between an eerily sweet sing-sang tone and a low growl. "You’d better make the chase …thrilling for me."

Oh shit, we’re fucking trapped with a psychopath.

Step Three: Go out of cover once the coast is clear.

Arisu halts his breath as sounds of different things being thrown around in arrhythmical sequences echo through the upper floor, leading the other guard - Banda? - away. He cowers a little bit longer, then looks out and once he can’t hear Banda’s eerie whistle and humming anymore, Arisu crawls out with a quiet groan, his knees and legs feeling numb and stiff from hiding in a cramped space too long.

Step Four: Create distraction on the right side while hurrying to their backpacks.

As quiet and careful as possible Arisu moves along the shelves of cooking utensils, ducked and with his heart threatening to burst out of his chest. Spending night after night here, he has the layout burned into his memory. Bistro. Kitchen utensils area. Then carpets and smaller items for the bedroom. Then the huge bedroom section on the other end of this floor. He knows that under normal circumstances - with light source, in a straight line, without a fucking psycho out to catch you - it takes around two minutes of quick walking to go from the bistro back to where they left their backpacks. Now it feels like every nerve-wracking second is stretching into eternity.

Somewhere from the other side of the floor, at the single bed and massage armchair section, clattering noises reach over to him every now and then. Whenever they do, Arisu takes whatever his hand can reach - a cap of a pot, a huge scoop, a wooden spatula - and throws them in the opposite direction of where he is going.

Then he stops in his tracks right after.

Listens, but it's hard to do so when blood rings in his ears and his heart beats up to his throat.

Listens into the darkness and ... nothing. Nobody coming his way.

Arisu shivers. If neither of the guys are alarmed by the noises I make…- I hope Niragi’s okay.

He reaches their sleeping place eventually, a bedroom section with two beds almost at the south-eastern corner of the floor. "Niragi?" Arisu peeks around the corner. Nothing. Neither Niragi nor the crazy guy. Fuck, where is he?

With a queasy feeling inside his stomach, he packs up as quickly and quietly as possible, stopping every five seconds to listen into the darkness.

Nothing.

No noise. No footsteps. No relieved, whispered "Arisu, you’re here, good."

Absolutely nothing, apart from his own uneven breath.

Niragi has stopped throwing items.

He’s supposed to be here by now.

But he isn’t.

The silence is stifling now, crushing.

He presses himself into the corner behind the huge wardrobe, his backpack shouldered, Niragi’s tugged between his feet. With trembling hands he pulls out his phone and opens the messenger. Nothing.

‘im at our backpacks, u?’ he types, knowing both of them have put their phones in silence mode.

No answer.

He waits half a minute.

Then a minute.

Still no answer.

Pricks his ears again.

Still nothing.

Just absolute silence.

The calm before the storm.

After five minutes of cowering behind the wardrobe, being shrouded in nerve-wracking silence and getting no answer, he knows that something is terribly wrong.

I need to find Niragi. Now.

He does find him eventually - cowering behind a box-spring bed, one of his arms hanging limp beside him, the other holding onto his throat.

"Nira-" Arisu’s breath hitches as he sees how much Niragi shakes. "Niragi?! Fuck, what-" Quickly he kneels down next to him. "Hey hey hey, what’s-" Carefully he cradles his face with both his hands, forcing him to meet his gaze, widened eyes staring at him in fear.

"T-They- He- gun," Niragi brings forth between short, clipped breathes, tugging viciously at his sweater. "They..- not supposed...- a gun."

"Gun?! Are you-" Panic-stricken his gaze darts over his body, hands feeling for any kind of wet spot on his clothes that would indicate a gunshot wound. Nothing. Thank fuck. "You’re not..- thank fuck you’re not hurt! Wha- w-what-"

Niragi opens his mouth, tries to inhale, but shakes his head desperately. "Can’t..-"

"I know, fuck, I’m here, okay?" Shit shit shit, another one of those. "Just … breathe with me, okay?" Arisu whispers while throwing hasty glances over the bed every now and then. "We already managed once, right? After your nightmare? You can do it again, Niragi. I’ll help you through it, okay? We can do it together, I won’t leave you."

With a shaky jerk Niragi nods once. Arisu tries to keep his nerves together and not let his own fear get to him, breathing in and out like he taught himself whenever he had a panic attack coming.

"F-Fuck …" Niragi whispers out eventually, face still ashen and eyes still widened, but at least able to breathe halfway normally again. "He..- I hid underneath." He taps against the bed. "And he… I heard the cocking of a gun a-and..- I-"

"It’s okay, you’re…" Arisu bites his tongue before the ‘save’ can slip past his lips. "We’re gonna make it, okay? Can you …?" Carefully he helps him up from the ground, giving him a moment to support himself on the bed.

"You know where he went?"

Niragi shakes his head, before pushing himself up in an upright position and taking another few in- and exhales. "T-The …" He clears his throat, adjusting his glasses with still trembling hands. "The door to the staircase on this floor. I left it open tonight. I checked, we can…"

"Okay. Perfect." Arisu forces a wobbly smile on his face. "We just need to watch out and-"

"I need to get out of here." The words are nothing more than a tiny, weak whisper, but the urgency behind it lets Arisu know that his panic is merely toned down for now, not gone - and could resurface any moment again.

"Okay, then…" He helps Niragi shouldering his backpack. "The exit is on the other end of the bedroom section. Lets just … sneak through it, okay?"

Niragi nods weakly. Doesn’t move, still paralyzed by shock.

Arisu grabs his hand gently, testing, and when Niragi doesn’t resist, pulls him along the bedroom sections. He stops them every now and then, watching and listening for their chaser, but the more often he stops the more nervous, restless he gets.

"I don’t like the silence," Niragi honest to god whimpers and presses his body closer to Arisu’s. "It’s too quiet. It’s-"

"It’s okay, we’re almost there," he whispers back while ignoring the part of his brain that tells him that something is off. Why are there no noises? "See?" With a nod he motions to the door - right at the other end of the long, very open armchair section.

"There’s … nothing to hide, though."

Arisu squeezes his hand tighter, ignoring how sweaty they are. Or is it my own hand?

"Then we run."

"Okay…" It doesn’t sound okay at all.

Arisu turns around and tilts his head to establish eye contact. "We’ll make it, okay? You said it yourself."

Niragi swallows. Nods. Takes a deep breath. And then-

A whistle. A shadow, moving somewhere in the corner of his eyes. Only a few meters away, fuck!

"Run!" He warns and then everything becomes a blur of adrenalin flooding his veins, of blood ringing in his ears, of the loud boomboomboom of his heart rebelling against its confinement and the red door in his sight.

Almost there, almost there, just a-

A deafening shot echoing through the building. Screaming. A loud, deranged laugh, way closer than anticipated. Another shadow, rising from one of the armchairs. "GAME OVER!" The gun is lifted again, directly at-

"Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck!" Niragi croaks downright hysterically, but all Arisu can do for him now is hauling him along, pulling so hard that he almost stumbles into him.

The next bullet flies right past his left ear, right before he throws himself and Niragi against the door and falls face first.

Panicked Niragi scrambles away from the door, before wildly kicking it close with his foot, pure terror reflecting in his face.

"Come!" Not caring how his wrist hurts from the collision with the floor, he pulls Niragi up.

They sprint down the stairs, inconsiderate of all the noises they create, and burst through the lower door into the night, heaving for air. Furious voices echo through the staircase, coming closer in rapid speed. Niragi pushes the door close, fumbles around with the keys and, after a way too long moment of trying to put the key in the keyhole, locks the door while leaving the key stuck inside the keyhole.

Then they run for their lives.

X.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

"And your relationship with your brother." She looks at the clipboard. "Hajime?"

"We don’t talk. Really."

"Would you want to talk to him?"

He shrugs. "Maybe?"

"What would you say to him. If you could."

"That I’m sorry."

" …"

"For not being capable to be there for him."

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

As soon as Niragi locked the entrance door to the cafe behind them and thrown the keys on the counter carelessly, he scurries to the back with a litany of strangely high-pitched curses, pulling out the baking plate from the oven with no regards for noises and rips open drawers in a frenzy.

Arisu stops at the entrance of the kitchen. "What are you doing?"

"What does it look like?!" It resembles a hysterical shriek and that sends Arisu’s alarm clocks ringing. Memories of Niragi’s pale face, of his fearful eyes and his whole body shaking like a leaf, flash before his eyes. A panic attack. Fuck, is he close to another panic attack? All throughout their walk to the cafe, Niragi had been withdrawn, hurrying ahead of him, not waiting, not looking back, as if he feared to get shot down any moment now. Arisu can’t blame him.

"Hey..- Hey, Niragi?" Quickly Arisu steps closer, observes with rising concern how erratically he grabs the eggs and milk from the fridge, how he almost spills the flour with how much his hands shake. "Niragi? We’re safe, you hear me? Nothing will happen to us now, okay? Niragi? Niragi." He places a hand on his shoulder, trying to calm him down - and gets pushed away with a forceful shove, his side meeting the kitchen counter rather ungently. Arisu hisses.

"Don’t touch me!" Niragi yells and whips around, a glint in his eyes that looks terrified as much as terrifying. It vanishes quickly, as the other notices how he rubs his left side in slight pain.

"I..- I’m sorry, I didn’t..-" Niragi stutters, something else flashing over his face now. Fear. But not of him. "Get out, Arisu."

"Niragi, I-"

"Just go!" With a trembling exhale he runs his fingers through his hair, messing up his bun. "Just- I need some fucking time alone, for fuck’s sake, okay?"

Arisu lets out a deep breath. "Okay."

He checks in on him every ten minutes or so at first, but after seeing that Niragi is lost in baking and has calmed down a good amount, he plops down in one of the corner seats, sighing heavily. He pulls out his phone. His hands tremble lightly.

Only now, with the adrenalin wearing off and the imminent concern about Niragi’s own mental state dissipating, he notices how shaken up he is about tonight’s events. We nearly got shot. Caught. Arrested. And our faces? Nobody can guarantee that they haven’t noticed the cameras being tampered with - and adjusted them ahead of time. Fuck, they’re gonna identify me. Fuck, I’m gonna get dragged to court and then thrown into prison and then-

Arisu turns on his phone and calls Karube.

Bleep. Bleep. Bleep.

He’s not answering.

Bleep. Bleep. Bleep.

He will not answer.

Bleep. Bleep. Bleep.

What would I even say? How would I even explain my situation. He doesn’t know.

Bleep. Bleep. Bleep.

He doesn’t know, because I cut him off. Both of them. Because I can barely stand myself.

Bleep. Bleep..- "This is the sexiest voice mail you’ll ever hear. Why? Cause you’re allowed to hear my sexy voice, of course! If you wanna hear it in real-life as well, which I’m sure you want, just leave little old me a message after the … BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP, hehe."

Arisu swallows. Takes a breath. Opens his mouth. His tongue feels heavy, his heart running a sprint inside his chest, pumping blood through his body in rapid speed. The lump in his throat neither goes up nor down, staying right there, an insurmountable obstacle separating progress from stagnation.

Arisu ends the call without one word spoken.

His finger hovers over Chota’s name. And scrolls past him. He doesn’t try to call him either. Or Hajime. Less of all the person who cares less about his wellbeing than his success, less about his family than the reputation of the family name. Calling him would only lead to more resignation and calling him ‘father’ is a stretch of the real meaning this word holds.

"If you wanna hand yourself over to the police, do it somewhere else."

Arisu flinches and nearly lets his phone fall.

"Make sure you delete our messages beforehand, though. Wipe it clean, cause I ain't going to prison," Niragi comments from … the floor? When the heck did he get here? "If you want some, go get them." Niragi motions to the plate next to him where perfectly looking chocolate cupcakes lure him closer. "I doubt prison will offer you those." His face is still pale, unnaturally so and as Arisu steps closer, he sees the slight tremor going through his body, how desperately he holds onto the cupcake, as if that little sweet is the only thing keeping him from going crazy.

So instead of taking a chocolate cupcake, he slides down the wall and seats himself next to Niragi, on the makeshift sleeping bag. Niragi doesn’t spare him a glance.

"Are you okay?"

"Take a cupcake or don’t." That’s not an answer.

Arisu takes a cupcake.

Next to him, the other takes a shaky inhale.

Silence.

A shaky exhale.

Silence.

A shaky inhale.

Silence.

A shaky exhale.

Silence.

A shaky inhale.

Silence.

An exhale.

Arisu knows the procedure inside out and as if by muscle memory, he attunes his own breathing to Niragi’s. In through the nose, counting to 4. Hold the breath, counting to 7. Pursed lips breathing, counting to 8. Then repeat. Rinse and repeat.

After a few minutes Niragi’s breathing turns more even again, quieter, until it disappears into the silence between them.

Arisu has never been good at enduring silence. It’s where his own thoughts are the loudest, when it’s hardest to fight against the pitch-black hole inside him.

"So …" He clears his throat, both to get Niragi’s attention and to force the hoarseness out of his voice.

Niragi only hums, nibbling on his cupcake. With his knees pulled up to his chest and his chin supported on them, he looks small, vulnerable. Stripped off his usual sassy and gruff attitude.

"Wanna … play truth or dare?"

"What are you, twelve?" Ah, there is it.

"Last I checked I turn 24 next month," Arisu gives back with a shrug and a smile. By now he’s used to Niragi’s grumpy attitude and thinks he has a pretty good understanding of when something does bother him for real and when it’s just his defense mechanism activating itself.

"They’re really good," Arisu lifts the cupcake in emphasis, before taking a big bite. Even in the dim light of their combined phones, he notices the soft blush crawling along his neck and further up to his face.

"Yeah?" Niragi clears his throat. "I can …" He brings the cupcake to his lips and mumbles something into it.

"What is it, Cupcake-Talker?"

Niragi whips his head around to him, eyes narrowed. "The fuck?!" The blush only darkens, betraying Niragi’s try at intimidation.

Arisu just shrugs. "You’re the one mumbling things into your Cupcake. That makes you … a Cupcake-Talker." He tilts his head a bit, pondering. "Wouldn’t that be a cool skill for an RPG? Instead of talking to animals, you now got the ability to hear all the food whining to you about their daily life? Imagine the things they have seen, the places they have been and-"

Niragi chokes on his cupcake and doubles over as he coughs heavily. Arisu gives him a worried sideglance, before patting his back a bit. "W-What is it?"

"N-Nothing …" Niragi drags his bottom lip between his teeth, as if struggling with holding in whatever lays on the tip of his tongue. Arisu … does not stare at the motion. He’s just … merely looking, because they have a conversation. That’s all. "Really, Arisu? The places they have been?" It blurts out of Niragi eventually. "I hope you know there are … shops for those kind of needs."

Arisu furrows his brows. "What do you mean?"

"What I..-?" Niragi looks at him, dumbfounded. "You know what I mean! A banana going places? Come on! Don’t … you’re not supposed to..- stick fruit up there, ‘kay? O-Or anything eatable, for fuck’s sake!"

"W-WHAT?!" Heat shoots into his face, as Niragi’s insinuation hits him in the face like a metaphorical hammer. "NO! No, that’s not- I didn’t mean it like that!"

Niragi lifts his eyebrow, skeptical. "It certainly sounded like it."

"It didn’t!" Arisu exclaims vehemently.

"It did."

"For you, maybe! I didn’t try that out and associate a banana with … that!"

"Neither did I! I have toys for-" Niragi slaps his hand over his mouth. Averts eye contact away. Blushes furiously - and forces Arisu to blush as well.

An awkward silence lays itself over them, both of them looking anywhere else than at each other. One that Arisu wants to break, for he fears his mind would wander … places otherwise. Nervously he begins to rub the palm of his hands on his thighs. He’s overly aware of the other’s presence now, of the heat radiating off him, the faint smell of lavender and coffee and something sweet. Acutely aware of the fact that Niragi Suguru is…

His eyes flicker to the other man, along the curls of dark hair, a surprisingly feminine jawline, soft plush lips … He looks..- Niragi begins to fidget around with his ring, shoulders tense.

Most of all, he looks uncomfortable and this is the last emotion Arisu wants to elicit in the other man.

"So …" With an inhale that is a bit shaky he nudges Niragi’s shoulder with his, trying to disrupt the awkward silence. "What did you whisper to the Cupcake back then? Before the conversation derailed completely?" He tries it with a little chuckle. "Let me in on the secret, oh great Cupcake-Talker?"

"I- N-Nothing!" His ears look like he had acquired the worst sunburn ever. Arisu can’t stop staring. He’s … really adorable and pretty, shit.

Niragi sighs, as if he’s given up on feeling embarrassed - or trying to fight the emotion. "I can … make you more, if you want. Or … teach you how to bake them. Or just give you the recipe, I don’t care." He shrugs in an attempt appear unfazed. Arisu knows better.

"Never tried to bake," Arisu admits after a little pause while licking off the little chocolate crumbs on his lips. "You could dare me, though."

"What’d I get out of that, then?" Niragi shakes his head, some of his playfulness back.

"A good laugh?"

A huff. "Or an exploding kitchen."

"Then you should choose another dare, easy," Arisu grins.

"You’re a real pain in the ass, you know that?"

Arisu swallows dryly. You’re nothing more than a liability! Get yourself together! "Sure." He keeps up the grin, but it feels off now, hurting his cheeks. Niragi notices immediately. Longer that necessary the other’s gaze lays on him. Arisu averts his eyes, takes another bite. Heat prickles in his neck and he pulls at his collar.

"I didn’t mean it like that," Niragi says after a long moment, sincere remorse behind the rough tone.

"I know." It hurts nonetheless.

"Bad experience at home?"

Arisu nods slowly. It comes as close to a soul striptease as he’s been with anyone for the last four years except for Karube, Chota and Doctor Kano.

"Family sucks," Niragi sighs quietly.

Arisu doesn’t answer. Doesn’t know how to respond to that.

‘Sure they do.’

‘Yours, too?’

‘I’m not even sure if we’re family anymore … I feel so detached from them, in their presence I’m a lonely island desperate for someone to strand on my shores — and they are terrified of water.’

For all his clumsy talkativeness, he can’t bring any of those words out, instead dooming them with silence.

Arisu closes his eyes, lays his head back against the wall. Next to him, Niragi readjusts himself with a quiet groan. Their shoulders are touching lightly now. Niragi doesn’t move away. Neither does Arisu. There’s strange comfort in the warmth of another body beside his own. In the even rise and fall of a chest, in the calmness of a deep breath. In Niragi beside him.

Comfort that became foreign to him.

Comfort that grows out of silence, not out of spoken words.

Comfort that he’d never felt at home, ever since his mom had died; words nothing more than empty shells and the silence so unbearable, Arisu has learned to interrupt it at all cost - even at the cost of another disappointed, disapproving glare.

Comfort that he secretly craves and for once in his life Arisu allows himself to embrace the silence, to be daring and hopeful. To go for what he wants.

So he lays his head on Niragi’s shoulder. The other tenses immediately. Stupid. That was so stupid of me. Arisu opens his mouth, ready to apologize and scoot away - when Niragi relaxes and lets out a sigh, even readjusts how he leans against the wall so that Arisu’s head isn’t bent at an really awkward angle anymore.

"…Better?" Niragi’s voice is quiet and hesitant, thick with … something he doesn’t dare to name for he fears it could vaporize into thin air and never come back.

Arisu just nods, glad for the half-darkness surrounding them and hiding his blush.

Niragi stretches his legs out again, long limbs clad in dark, tight jeans. Arisu had always …envied his clothing style. The cool leather jacket, tight pants that … accentuate his lean, tall frame. The piercings, a sign of beautiful rebellion, a middle finger to society’s norms.

Arisu has looked up to him. Maybe that had been his mistake all along. To look up instead of simply looking at him. To see him.

"Truth or dare?"

Arisu lifts his head off his shoulder and opens his eyes, surprised. It’s been a while since either of them spoke; Arisu was close to dozing off and under the impression Niragi was as well.

"You first," is the only thing Niragi says now with a shrug that is supposed to look casual, but is, in fact, way too forced.

"Truth," Arisu gives back, getting the feeling that there is something Niragi wants to talk about and this being the only way he is able to communicate. Never let rare occurrences pass without taking a chance.

"Where will you sleep, now that the furniture shop is compromised?"

Oh. Arisu shrugs, a bit helpless. "Haven’t thought about that yet. Probably at home?" Even in his own ears it sounds like a blatant lie.

Niragi doesn’t comment on it, but the deep frown on his face does it for him. Is he … worried about me? Unsure what to respond to Niragi’s concern, he goes for the obvious: "Truth or Dare?"

"Truth."

Arisu nibbles on his bottom lip, swallows, hesitates … and then blurts out: "Is there a home you can go back to?"

"Dare," Niragi hisses sharply, his face back to a wall of coldness. There are cracks in it, though, and Arisu can see the pain looming behind it, dark shadows twirling, ready to reach out and claw their way through the cracks.

Arisu doesn’t push further. "Show me the last picture you took?"

"W-What?"

"Last picture on your phone. That you took."

Niragi’s face goes through a roller coaster ride of emotions in mere seconds: Shock, embarrassment, skepticism and finally, with a sigh and him unlocking his phone, capitulation.

"I’m not forcing-"

"Just the first," Niragi interrupts him curtly, but it’s more out of embarrassment than irritation.

Arisu takes the phone and searches for the gallery. Niragi observes him with eagle eyes, ready to tear the phone out of his hand on the first wrong movement. Arisu clicks on the icon and- "Oh, that’s…" Not what I expected.

Niragi laughs, but it’s drenched in bitterness. "Stupid?"

"What? No!" Arisu shakes his head quickly. "It’s a nice picture! You have very pretty hands." He’s too focused on the picture to notice the deep blush rising on Niragi’s cheeks, too fascinated by long, slender fingers, the silver ring reflecting the rays of sunshine falling through the window front, the black nail polish. The picture had to be taken at one of the tables in this cafe, given the wooden surface. "There’s something … artistic to it. I like it." Arisu looks up and smiles at Niragi.

"I..- whatever." The phone is pulled out of his hand and tucked away again.

"Truth," Arisu says before Niragi can ask.

"What’s your favorite band?"

Okay, I did not expect that?

"Uh … I have a few, but I’d say … The Curious Cats?"

"Not Seventeen?" Niragi raises one eyebrow.

"I like K-Pop from time to time, but no, nobody can beat The Curious Cats. Especially-"

"Paws off the Wheel?" The ghost of a smile curls around Niragi’s lips.

Arisu’s eyes light up. "Best album to ever exist! Are they your favori-?"

"Dare."

Arisu furrows his brows. "If you don’t want me to talk about it, just sa-"

"Dare."

Fine, if he’s adamant about it. "Show me the second pic on your phone?"

"If you’re speculating on a dick-pic, let me tell you right away: You won’t find any, Banana-Lover."

Arisu’s eyes turn round as the moon. "Wha-?! No! No, that’s not- I didn’t- It’s not like that?! J-Just … forget it!"

Niragi chuckles, a low and deep noise that has the little hairs on his neck stand at attention. Uh … shit?

"The code is 1208." He holds out his phone to him.

"Like the safe code in the Study Room," Arisu mumbles mindlessly and regrets it immediately. He just made himself look weird in front of Niragi again, because no way the other has-

"D8. The Black Queen." Niragi grins lightly, something glinting in his eyes he only ever saw in class.

"You played Blue Prince?!" Arisu exclaims in a mixture of surprise and excitement. "It took me ages to get the reference with the chess board!"

Niragi tilts his head, one strand falling from his bun and framing his face now. "I found this one easier than the one in the Drawing Room, actually."

Arisu adjusts his sitting position so he can face Niragi more directly, enthusiastic now. "Your favorite room to draft?"

"… the Kennel…"

"Aw, you’re a dog person, Niragi?"

"… Shut it." A rose tint adorns Nirag's cheeks.

"Like to pet them?" Arisu teases a bit, before saying with a big grin: "They’re cute. I always pet them, too. If the game throws cute puppies at you, pet them, it’s obligatory!"

"Dare." Niragi reminds him with a nod to the phone. There’s definitely not a fond note to Niragi’s voice now, no. Or the smile playing around his lips. That’s not possible, he must be hallucinating.

He follows the request and- "Woah …" He zooms further in. "Love the longer hair on you!" Longer than necessary he looks at the picture showing Niragi’s side profile, but focusing on the long, ink-black hair, done up in a high ponytail. A few strands frame his face, curling around his shoulders. Arisu wonders how they would feel underneath his fingertips, if they’d feel as smooth and soft as they-

"Me, too," Niragi mumbles quietly, almost as if he doesn’t want Arisu to hear it. I wonder if those pictures..-?

"Truth or Dare?"

"Dare," he decides and gives the phone back. Niragi puts it down between them, instead of tucking it into his jeans pocket. Oh?

"Solve the following: What is the gcd of 765 and 493?"

"Huh?"

Niragi raises one eyebrow, a silent ‘What, too difficult?’

Surely not. He refreshed his knowledge on the Euclidean algorithm in his pre-course for computer science. If Niragi wants to throw him off for whatever reason or test him, fine. "Uh …" He takes a moment to divide the numbers, before grinning. "17. Easy."

Niragi lets out a whistle, a mix between amused and playfully impressed. "So you did learn something in Kuzuryu’s pre-courses, huh?" A curious expression flashes over Niragi’s face. "Is the poor guy still awkwardly dancing around P.E. teacher Aguni or are they now awkwardly kissing instead?"

"So you noticed it, too?"

"Oh, they made sure everyone knew - except themselves."

"They spend their breaks together since last month, so we can hope to be invited to their wedding in around … 30 years?"

Niragi chuckles and it’s infectious. "Nothing against … taking it slow, I guess?" He adds and throw him a weird look. One that pushes the air out of his lungs, that burns on skin, but funnily enough not uncomfortably so, but…-

Niragi chooses dare again and Arisu gets the feeling this time it’s no coincidence. Trying to get his heart beat under control (why the fuck ever that organ thought it necessary to pick up in speed right now), he says: "Can I … look at another picture?"

A soft nod and when Niragi makes no effort to reach for the phone, Arisu takes it instead. Once again he opens the gallery, swipes past the two pics - and is met with a close-up view of soft, plumb lips, shining in a gentle red tone and-

"Is that … lipstick?" Arisu holds the phone closer to his face. "Lip gloss?"

Niragi coughs, rubs his neck. "The … latter."

"Even if I start sounding like a glitch, but you’re…" Pretty. Stunning. Kissa- "Y-Your pics are really pretty. You have …" Lovely features. The softest looking hair. The most inviting lips. Fingers that makes one wonder..- "You have a great detail for eye! I-I mean, a great eye for details, yep, that’s what I wanted to say!" Arisu thinks it’s time for the inward ‘face-palm’, because ‘great eye for details’? That’s all you came up with, stupid useless brain? At least tell him he is very photogenic.

"You … don’t find it weird?" Niragi throws him an almost confused look, as if he can’t quite understand Arisu’s lack of disapproval. "The … lip gloss?"

"What? No, why? Lip gloss suits you, it … you know, it accentuates your lips a-and..- same for your eyes, the eyeliner really makes them, you know?" He makes a complicated motion with his hands, like something popping open.

Niragi stares at him for a very long moment. Then the ghost of a smile tugs at his lips and he swipes over to the next picture, which- "Yeah, exactly what I said!" Arisu points out to the close-up of his eyes. "It makes them pop. And you already have a killer look without any eyeliner on. I-In the positive sense, not in the actual ‘serial killer’ vibe! Truth!" He adds quickly, in hopes to go over the embarrassment.

"What’s your … weirdest hobby?"

"Uh … okay, so I do, uhm … potato carving?"

"Potato what?"

"Carving?" Arisu gives back with a slight blush. "Potatoes. I carve potatoes. I-" He pulls his phone out and shows him the pictures he took: One of a flower head. A swan (his best one so far). A deformed ship (his first few attempts). A cactus with a cowboy hat (if one bring along a lot of fantasy, that is). One that looks like a potato rat, because the form just fitted. With each new picture, Niragi’s eyes turn rounder, ending up in little noises of appreciation and impressed surprise. Something warm tingles inside him at that, something soft and happiness-inducing.

"But why potatoes, though?" There’s honest interest glinting in Niragi’s eyes. No judgment. No ‘You’re a weirdo’ raise of his eyebrow. No feigned concerned look a la ‘Oh, the poor boy. Something must be wrong with him’. Just honest and unconditional interest. Arisu wants to cry in happiness.

"I… They were the first thing available, back when I..-" He wets his lips, a sudden lump blocking his throat. He could just say anything instead of the truth: Back when I got bored. Back when I searched for a new hobby. Back when I tried to learn cooking.

"Back when I … was very depressed? And experienced severe anxiety." He offers hoarsely and dares to throw a quick glance in Niragi’s face - just to find the absence of the feared judgment and deep understanding. Arisu takes a calming breath, some of the tension falling off his shoulders. He never thought it possible, but he feels … safe around Niragi. Understood on a level that goes beyond the one that Karube and Chota could bring up; not an honest ‘we’re here for you, always’, but an ‘I was at this point before, too’. "There’s something therapeutic about carving, I guess? And since potatoes were always available at home, I could just steal them into my room and … carve out all my anxiety and worries."

"So how do you, like, preserve them?" No question about what triggers his anxiety, about the reasons for his depression, no uncomfortable ‘But you are better now, right?’ as if mental illnesses are a cough that can be cured if given the right medication in the right dose. No ‘Depression? You? But you look so carefree all the time’.

Arisu feels himself relax more and more around the other and it’s … it’s nice. To be seen. Not looked at, but really seen. Past the surface of his sometimes too bright smile, past the happy attitude he puts on like a too-tight and heavy armor. Past the Arisu everyone likes to see, beyond the comfortable, easygoing version of him - and instead at the real Arisu. The one that carves potatoes in the quietness of his room, because that’s better than holding the blade to his skin. The one that still falls back into depressive phases every now and then, even after all the numerous therapy sessions he had with Doctor Kano. The one that rather gets almost shot to death instead of spending one second in a house that is only a faint, warped afterthought of a place he once called home.

The one that is lonely and weird and sometimes depressed and sometimes not and loves to talk about random games and enjoys to look at pictures of pretty guys that make his heart beat faster inside his chest and has him fleeing into fantasies of soft kisses in the shadows of the night and hesitant, but curious touches.

"Still here?" A nudge against his shoulder, a teasing grin on Niragi’s face. Pretty.

Arisu blinks - and remembers that they were actually in a conversation. "I don’t. I cook them afterwards and eat them. But I make pictures." Arisu hold his phone up in emphasis. "It’s more about the process than the result, I guess? The calmness and peace that comes with just focusing on that specific task? A bit like … you baking?" Arisu points out. "I mean, sure, the end result tastes freaking amazing!" With a grin he takes another small bite, not caring to speak with a full mouth. "But … you do it because it gets your mind occupied with something else, right? To calm you down? Stress relief, so to say?"

Surprise flashes over Niragi’s face for a moment. Then he nods softly. "I… I’m sorry I freaked out at you previously. And about…" He nods to his waist. "Does it hurt? I’m sorry that I pushed you away, I was just very … on edge."

"Doesn’t hurt. It’s okay, Niragi." He gifts him a reassuring smile, because Niragi has a downright contrite expression on his face, one that he knows by own experience can turn into self-loathing real quick. "It was a freaky situation and we both were out of ourselves. I’m not mad or anything. It’s okay."

"I … don’t like guns," Niragi admits quietly and considering the tone of his voice, this only seems to scratch the surface of something going way deeper. "Truth," he adds, a soft but firm ‘no’ to that particular topic.

"The pictures," Arisu begins and halts only seconds later. He shouldn’t ask, it’s not his business and still his curiosity gets the better of him. "You took them for … someone special?"

Niragi gives him a long, inscrutable look. "Define special."

"A … girlfriend?" Arisu swallows. "O-Or boyfriend?" His ears feel way too warm.

"No."

"Oh." Why am I feeling kind of relieved about that?

"They are … for me?" Niragi looks down at his hands, sliding the ring back and forth over his knuckles. "I… take them if I feel, uh, you know…" A deep blush rises on his cheeks. "If I feel like a part of my body looks good at that particular moment? I- it’s stupid, I guess, but it’s like… some self-confidence boost thing? So I can look at those pictures on days I’m … not feeling it, you know? I know that sounds pathetic and stup-"

"No!" Arisu exclaims in vigor. "No, it absolutely isn’t, Niragi. It’s actually a smart idea and it’s good that you have a method to make yourself feel better if you have those moments. It shows that you’re … you’re aware of your struggle and that you make sure to have self-help methods?"

Niragi stares at him with widened eyes; he definitely did not expect that kind of answer. Then Niragi’s gaze flickers down, a shimmer of red around his nose. Arisu follows the motion and- "S-Sorry!" In rapid speed he pulls his hand away from where he’d laid it on Niragi’s arm without even noticing. "I-I take truth."

"Not one for dare, huh?" It should sound teasing, but comes out quiet and strangely husky. It shouldn’t elicit goosebumps on his neck and down his spine, but … it does.

"I can take dare instead, if you-"

Niragi just shakes his head. Turns very quiet for a moment. Brows furrowed. Bottom lip tugged between his teeth. When he finally comes up with his question, he does so with palpable hesitation. "Are you … Do you feel lonely often?"

Not ‘Do you feel lonely?’, not an ‘if-statement’, because Niragi connected the dots.

"I… sometimes?" Arisu is not quite able to maintain eye contact. This feels … vulnerable. Like he’s laying parts of his real self into the hands of the other man. And the terrifying aspect is not the act itself, but the absence of any initial doubt, insecurity or fear of being judged while doing so. "Not often, but sometimes. There had been worse times." He pauses a long moment, then adds with a scratchy voice: "Better times, too."

Niragi lets out a little hum. "What about your friends? The blond one and the smaller one you hung around in your first year?"

Surprised he looks at Niragi. "You … remember them?"

A shrug. "Saw them hanging ‘round a few times." A blush. Fingers that begin to pluck invisible dust particles from his jeans.

"We’re still friends. They moved to Chiba last year, though, so … we don’t see each other that often." He tries to sound less down about that fact than he feels most of the times in secret.

"And …" Niragi coughs, now fumbling around with the shirt that does not need adjustment. "… a partner?"

Heat rises in Arisu’s cheeks, heart skipping a beat at the unexpected question. Is he asking about whether I’m..- Is he interested in..-

"N-Not in a relationship." Not even in a situationship. The last thing he had that came close to a relationship was with Chishiya, but him and the medical student hadn’t worked out for far too many reasons to even count and decided to end it before things got ugly between them.

Niragi chooses truth this time and Arisu wets his lips. "Are you..- you know, into guys?"

Fuck, why did I ask that?! Niragi looks at him as if he’s grown a second head, shocked and with the worst sunburn displaying on his face.

"I’m bi," Arisu blurts out, as if that would make his question better. "I’m not- there’s not- I’m not judging, is what I mean." He waits for a moment, before the silence gets too much and his defense mechanism jumps in. "I’m sorry, forget that question, it was stup-"

"You’re asking the wrong question."

"Huh?" Arisu blinks at him.

Niragi still not looks at him, half his face now hidden behind the curls of his black hair. "You asked a question that I can’t answer with yes or no."

So he … isn’t sure? Or… wait, is he…?

"Niragi?"

No answer.

"Please look at me?"

The other gives him a strange sideglance.

"Are you, uhm … on the ace-spectrum, perhaps?"

The nod is barely visible, but it is there.

"Oh." Arisu rubs his hands against his pants.

"You can ask, you know?"

"Huh?"

Niragi tilts his head. "Your face screams ‘I have thousand questions, but don’t know how to ask them’. It’s easy. Just ask."

"Uh …" Easier said than done, I don’t wanna appear insensitive or uneducated.

"You seriously think I’d allow this topic to come up if I was uncomfortable talking about it with you?" Niragi’s eyebrow twitches, as if he’s amused about Arisu’s hesitation. "I tell you if I feel uncomfortable with a question. And you stop overthinking. Deal?" It’s the reassuring smile that has Arisu shifting his position, so that he can look directly at the other. "So, I … uhm..-" He furrows his brows while trying to find the right words.

"Stop overthinking, it’s not a Strategy Game," Niragi chuckles and nudges his leg with his knee.

"I was wondering, uh … how does sexual attraction work for you? I-I mean, if it works at all? You feel no attraction at all or just … not often? C-Cause..- I… you mentioned something a-about, uh … toys?" Okay, what am I talking about?! I did not just ask Niragi Suguru about whether he gets himself off, right? RIGHT?! Oh shit, I totally did. Oh please, I wanna opt out of this situation ASAP! "Sorry if that’s- If that’s too personal, I- just forge-"

"It’s okay." Despite the faint flush on Niragi’s cheeks, he appears by no means uncomfortable or irritated at the question. "I think there’s a difference between having a libido - which I do have - and feeling sexually drawn to other people? At least for me."

"So you …?"

"I get myself off, yeah," Niragi laughs softly. "I even like it. It’s not that I don’t feel arousal or pleasure, it’s just that it rarely stems from being drawn to others? It’s more … centered on myself, if that makes sense?"

"Have you ever been…?"

"Sexually intimate with someone?" Arisu nods, a tad bit sheepish. "A few times? Ranging from ‘I never wanna do this again’ to ‘This actually is fun’. Last case was with my ex. She was a wonderful person, always made me feel like I’m not … lacking? That I’m perfect the way I am?" Despite how positive the words sound, there an underlying sadness to Niragi’s voice; he hasn’t missed out on the usage of past tense. And it does not sound as if the ‘is’ turned into a ‘was a wonderful person’, because they broke up…

"Is she…?" Arisu doesn’t dare to finish the question.

"Not here anymore." Niragi nods, the smile he tries to keep up feeling forced and bittersweet.

"I’m sorry."

Niragi shakes his head. "Don’t be. She… I learned a lot from her. About how to respect myself and my boundaries. About how to accept myself more, though it’s still hard on some days."

"So … is it just the, uh … the sexual aspect that is rarely there? While you’re not opposed to a romantic relationship?" He’s not a virgin, but talking with Niragi Suguru about his sexuality has him blushing with no end in sight. Shit, by now I have to look like a ripe tomato.

"I’m not aromantic," Niragi clarifies, the ghost of a little smile playing around his lips. "Actually, you could say, yes, I’m ‘into guys as well’ if we talk about feelings instead of sex. I crushed hard a few times and I… uh, I love to cuddle and hold hands and … to kiss. The … soft kind of intimacy, if you wanna call it that way. Fuck, I miss kissing so much." He sighs deeply.

"Shouldn’t be hard to find volunteers, given you’re very-" Arisu snaps his mouth shut before any more revealing words can come out. Never has the weird patterns - hearts and clubs shaped figures intertwined in an intricate way - on the wooden floor in a cafe been more interesting than in this very moment.

"Attractive?" Niragi finishes for him, not an ounce of arrogance in his voice.

"Sorry, I know that was stupid. You’re not just wanna kiss anyone, I get that," Arisu rattles down while meticulously avoiding eye contact.

"No, I do not." Niragi hums affirmative. "But the biggest problem is finding someone I want to kiss and who understands a kiss is a kiss and not an invitation into my pants."

Arisu’s head snaps up, an ugly feeling bubbling up inside his stomach. "They didn’t respect that?" Fucking assholes?!

"Apart from my ex, who’s been a real sweetheart and always made sure I’m on board with every physical contact…" Niragi shakes his head. "I … haven’t found the right person yet, I guess." He shrugs. "Then again … I haven’t talked about that topic with a lot of people before. Usually I keep that to myself."

Usually. Arisu’s breath hitches as Niragi looks at him with a very specific glint, as he keeps his eyes on him, as if he wants to burn through his clothes and into his very core. His skin tingles, shivers down his back. His mouth feels dry and he pulls at his collar, because Niragi might as well have turned up the temperature with his gaze alone.

"You could..- I wouldn’t-" Arisu wets his lips, heart fluttering wildly against his ribcage. What if I’m misinterpreting everything here? But what if I’m not? What if he’s actually..- "I wouldn’t misinterpret a kiss as something more."

"Are you offering?"

Shit, since when is he so direct? With his heart threatening to jump out of his throat, he nods shyly.

"Why?" When Arisu doesn’t answer right away, because his brain just decided it’s the perfect moment for a tactical time-out, Niragi’s tone gets a sharp edge. "I don’t need a pity-kiss. I don’t want a pity-kiss. Especially not from you, Arisu."

"T-That’s not it!" He exclaims hastily, eyes widened. The last thing he wants is for Niragi to misunderstand his intentions. "It’s not a pity-kiss! I…" Oh god oh god oh god, I’m really doing this, ain’t I? "I… thought about it? T-To kiss you. Because I-" Like you. Maybe even liked you back then, in a weird and complicated and too confusing way to lead to anything more. But now, I really like you and I..- "Because you… just get to me like no one else does a-and … it has been on my mind for a bit now and I can’t seem to get rid of it and-" Arisu interrupts himself with a shaky exhale as Niragi places a hand on his cheek, intense gaze darting up and down between his lips and eyes.

"You … sure?" Hesitation flickers in Niragi’s gaze for a moment, a rare vulnerability between them that steals both their breaths.

Arisu nods, hums affirmatively, before scooting closer. Slowly. Not too fast, giving both of them the chance to back away, to reconsider, to call this whole thing off and go back to something safe and secure. Arisu doesn’t want that. No matter how his heart, that treacherous little thing, pumps blood into his cheeks right now, no matter how hard it beats up his throat, no matter how his body signals him ‘Warning warning warning, we’re in an emergency situation’ with all the shivers and tingles inside him. No matter how nerve-wrecking it is to feel Niragi’s breath brush against his face as he leans closer, he doesn’t want it any other way. Wants to drown in their shared breath, in the electrifying tension sizzling between them, in the taste of-

The sound of a key being pushed into the keyhole has them tearing apart in the last second, shocked and startled.

"W-Who…?" Arisu whispers to Niragi, but the answer gets redundant, once the light flickers on like a last warning and-

"Good evening, Niragi." An unfamiliar voice says, surprisingly calm considering they are literally here without permission. "Would you mind explaining this little … midnight rendezvous here?"

Hastily Niragi scrambles to his feet and Arisu follows his example, bringing his body close to the other on instinct. Instead of moving away, Niragi scoots closer as well. The back of their hands touch slightly. He’d only have to move his hand a bit to intertwi-

"I’m … I’m sorry, Sato," Niragi utters outs, contrition flashing over his face. "I..- I can explain, I promise!"

‘Sato’ looks back and forth between them in an unhurried, almost observing way. He’s smaller than both of them, black hair stylishly curly around a face that deserves the description of ‘cute’ more than ‘manly’. The earring, shaped like a black clubs symbol, sticks out as much as the freckles sprinkled around his nose. His eyes are of a lighter brown tone that gives off softness and calmness - but as they land on him, Arisu is close to shit his pants under the direct and unyielding gaze.

"There was an alarm in the Furniture Store south from here. Apparently someone trespassed and wanted to spend the night there." He’s not asking, but the way he continues to look at both of them feels like the other man can actually see right through them and read their minds.

"I-I … we-"

"T-That wasn’t us!" Arisu chimes in with whatever his mind can come up, stepping a bit in front of Niragi to shield him. The worst I can get is a house ban, but Niragi, he could lose his job. "It’s all my fault, I- He saw me roaming around here a-and that I’m..- I mean, I searched for a place to sleep and then he gave in, because I bothered him a lot and it’s…- We-" He swallows dryly, sweat building on the inside of his hands cause Sato’s gaze just turned a lot more serious - and skeptical.

"We were there."

"HUH?" Arisu looks at Niragi, who runs his fingers through his hair - and looks everywhere than at him. "Yeah, it was us. And since we couldn’t stay there, I brought us here. I..- I don’t know about Arisu, but I can’t..-" Niragi’s voice cracks, his gaze lowered to the ground. "I don’t have anywhere to go. No shared flat, that was a lie. Most of my things are still at my parents apartment, but..- He’s an alcoholic fuck who’d beat the shit out of me if I step one foot into the apartment while he’s awake…"

Arisu’s head whips around to the other, shocked to the core. Is he…? He takes in the tenseness in Niragi’s jaw, how he shrugs his shoulders helplessly, how he has one arm wrapped around his other. Fuck, he isn’t… I didn’t know, I-

Sato comes around the corner and Arisu fears this is the moment they’d be dragged out of this cafe. In a sudden urge, he pushes himself a bit more in front of Niragi - just for Sato to walk around him deftly and pull Niragi in a soft hug. O-kay… Niragi lets it happen without any objection, literally sinking into the other’s arms, as if standing upright on his own is too difficult right now.

"I’m so sorry to hear that," Sato says with utmost sincerity in his tone.

"Please, Sato," Niragi croaks out after a small eternity of silence, pulling back a bit. "We- I can’t go to prison for what happened there. Who else would take care of-"

"Nobody is going to prison," Sato interjects with determination in his voice. His eyes flicker to him, as if to make sure he feels included in that statement. "And you will not sleep here on the floor." With that he goes to the sleeping bag and starts to roll it up.

"Sato, what…?"

"Take your backpacks. Both of you," Sato announces calmly, but in a tone that leaves no room for discussion. "We have a guest room."

XI.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

"Thinking back to our first appointment two years ago. Which progress have you made so far?"

"I …" He furrows his brows.

"Take your time." She smiles.

Then stays silent.

Tic. Toc. Tic. Toc. Tic. Toc.

The silence throws its long shadows over them.

He opens his mouth- Say anything, literally anything, to make it stop and-

Then closes it again.

Tic. Toc. Tic. Toc. Tic. Toc.

It becomes a mantra in his mind.

Strangely calming. A consistent variable, always moving forward.

Progress.

He takes his time.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

They spend the car ride in awkward silence. Niragi has his head leaned against the window front, staring outside and giving no indication he is up for a conversation. Up in the driver’s seat, Sato throws glances at them through the rearview mirror every now and then, but instinctively seems to notice that there are some unspoken words between them that are not for his ears.

Arisu follows suit, stares at the buildings flashing past them. A deep yawn is ripped out of him, his body exhausted, but his mind an overwhelmed mess. And yet, among all the things that happened and his brain could be caught up with, his mind keeps circling back to the moment right before Sato interrupted them.

As soon as Sato unlocks the door to his apartment, an energetic, enthusiastic voice sing-sangs from the living room.

"Darling, what took you so long? You almost missed out on your present that I wrapped into this … lovely out-" Sasaki, dressed down to a loosely tied bathrobe that teases soft red lace underneath it and high heels for days, stops in what certainly was supposed to be an attempt at seduction. "..fit?"

"There’s…" Sato clears his throat, gaze flickering over the outfit his husband has put on just for him - while Arisu does his best to stare at literally anything but the barely dressed man. "…been a … change of plan," Sato says while moving up to his husband and giving him a soft kiss to greet him.

Sasaki, the embodiment of ‘unbothered by their presence, but very much into his husband’, wraps his hands around Sato’s neck and intensifies the kiss, arches into it in a way that has his bathrobe falling further open and allowing a very revealing glance at his red, semi-transparent underwear. Next to him Niragi sounds like he’s choking on his spit; Arisu doesn’t do any better, very interested in the pictures hanging on the wall.

"I know we talked about a threesome, but two right away?" Sasaki grins at his husband, before shrugging as if he’d be absolutely fine with turning this into spontaneous foursome. "Hi Cupcake, surprised you’d be up for it, but you’re always welcome to join in on some fun." His gaze darts from Niragi to Arisu. "And Mr. Very Fruity? Well well well, I certainly won’t complain. How you two wanna do it? Darling, have you already educated them on-"

"Sweetheart." Sato puts a hand on the other man’s arm, softly holding him back from getting lost in a fantasy that will stay just that. Arisu is thankful for it, because he doubts he could have taken any more suggestive comments without turning red as a tomato. "I need to talk to you for a moment, okay?" Sato motions for Niragi and him to stay in the guest room in the meantime and get "comfortable". Both him and Niragi blush deeply when Sasaki seems to misunderstand the word "comfortable" and yell a "But don’t have too much fun without us, okay? Wouldn’t wanna miss the good part" after them.

"Sorry," Niragi lets out after they stood around in the guest room for a few very awkwardly minutes, definitely not at the point where any of them feels comfortable.

Arisu tilts his head, confused. "What are you sorry for?"

"I..- For us getting caught at the cafe. It was my idea, so-"

"And without your idea we’d be stuck on the streets. Probably chased by police. Or arrested. Or already on our way to prison. Or even worse, shot at, shot dead and-"

"Arisu." A hand on his arm stops him from spiraling further. Their eyes meet. Arisu’s heart is off to sprint again, the place where they touch tingling, throwing him back to the cafe, on the ground, faces only inches apart and- A soft knock on the door. Niragi lets go of his arm, eliciting the urge in Arisu to close the gap and establish contact again. He doesn’t.

When Sato and Sasaki come in, there’s zero flirtation in Sasaki’s tone anymore. Instead the other walks up to Niragi and pulls him into a hug as well - which, considering he’s still wearing his revealing outfit, has Niragi blushing furiously.

"You should’ve told us. We would’ve helped you." Sasaki murmurs, before shaking his head lightly when letting go of Niragi again. "No, I’m sorry. I know you couldn’t. It’s not an accusation. Same goes for you, Fruity."

"A-Arisu!" He exclaims, because last thing he needs is Niragi wondering where this nickname originates from. "My name is Arisu."

"Nice, welcome to our lovely domain," Sasaki tries it with a more uplifting tone. "We have … uh, let me think? Cold pizza from yesterday in the fridge? Some gummi bears? My husband loves those, especially the green ones. Hm… What about rigatoni with tomato sauce and the most exquisite Italian spices? I make the most delicious tomato sauce, ask my lovely Darling. Or chocolate pudding? Nothing better than some midnight chocolate pudding to fight off the trepidation of nearly getting caught breaking into a furniture shop and dealing with shitty family situations. OH, with vanilla sauce? And we still have those frozen fruit mix in the-"

Sato puts his hand on Sasaki’s arm gently, stopping him in his endless list of possible midnight snack.

"Right," he chuckles lightly, returning the soft smile Sato is giving his husband. "Darling got you two covered, I’m sure." With that and a brief kiss on Sato’s cheek, Sasaki leaves the room.

"He gets easily distracted sometimes," Sato explains, but with how enamored he smiles, it’s something he adores about his partner. He turns his attention back to them. "One of you can use the couch, if you’d prefer that over sharing a bed?"

"No, it’s fine," Niragi answers to his surprise and Arisu doesn’t find any reason to disagree - except maybe for the way his heart starts to pick up speed with just the mere premise of sharing a bed with Niragi.

"You’re free to take whatever you want out of the fridge," Sato offers, which Arisu appreciates, despite knowing he won’t get even the smallest bite down tonight. "The guest bathroom is right across from this room. There are towels in the upper drawer. Feel free to use the shower." Sato takes a moment to take both of them in, before he gives them a sincere smile. "You’re save here, okay?"

Sato’s calm gaze wanders from Niragi to him and back. Arisu nods. Niragi’s bites the inside of his cheeks.

"Perfect, then I’ll leave yo-"

"Sato?" Niragi makes an indecisive step forward that merely ends in him standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. "I’m sorry, really, for abusing the trust you both put in me. For … hiding in your cafe without any permission. And I..- thanks for this. I’ll repay you however I can, I pro-"

Sato lifts his hand, smiling. "There is no need for that, Niragi. Try to get some rest, both of you. Everything else can wait." With that and a last nod, he leaves the room, pulling the door close behind him with a soft thud.

And then they stand here. In a foreign guest room. With one bed that - Arisu takes a brief look at it - is potentially big enough to fit two people of their stature, albeit not big enough to exclude accidental physical contact with certainty. He rubs his neck, heat radiating off his skin. Fuck…

"I can take the couch," Niragi offers; apparently he’d noticed where his thoughts wandered - or at least his gaze was stuck on. "Or you can, whatever you prefer." Niragi talks faster now, stumbling over a few words. "I-I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to, uh… t-to decide for you back there, it’s..- I…- It’s just that-"

"I don’t want to be alone tonight," Arisu admits to both of them, because the mere thought of laying in a room alone, staring at the ceiling, has his mind spiraling down into places he fought so hard to avoid for the last four years.

Niragi doesn’t respond to that; his body language does it for him, though, the tension in his shoulders slowly disappearing, clenched fists relaxing. A deep breath, before the other turns his back to him and… starts to undress?!

Arisu blushes instantly and turns away just as the belt is unbuckled. Noises of jeans fabric being taken off echo in his mind.

"U-Uh, so, uh..- You’ve been here before? At their place?" Arisu blurts out to disrupt the silence.

"No."

Silence once again. Then a zipper of a backpack being opened.

"So … how are they? As … uh, bosses, I mean?"

"Nice. They’re very nice people." There’s a short pause. "I like working for them."

Rustling of fabric again. Nervously, Arisu plays around with the seam of his sweater.

"A-And … is, uh..-"

"Arisu?"

"YEAH?!" Oh god, get your nerves together, you idiot. At this rate you’re gonna get a heart attack.

"You can turn around, I finished changing."

"Oh… okay." He hesitates for another second, shifts his weight from one foot to the other, before he slowly turns back around. True to his words, Niragi has changed into a grey sweatpants and a black shirt. He seats himself on the left side of the bed, putting the bottle of water on the nightstand after drinking.

"I won’t look, don’t worry," he promises while laying down and closing his eyes.

"Oh, uh- thanks." Awkwardly Arisu changes into knee-long, dark shorts and takes his sweater off, leaving him in his blue T-Shirt.

For a very long moment he stands in the middle of the room. He does not need things to become even more awkward between then, but is utterly unsure which outcome would add even more awkwardness to their situation: taking the couch or joining him in bed.

"I don’t bite," comes quietly from the bed.

Bed it is, then … I guess?

Carefully he seats himself on the other side of the bed, before laying down on his back next to Niragi, meticulous about not establishing physical contact. He doesn’t want Niragi to misunderstand or, even worse, feel uncomfortable in his presence.

Silence.

Niragi doesn’t say anything.

Arisu bites the inside of his cheek.

A faint scent of lavender fills his nostrils.

His heart, treacherous little thing, is off to run in the Olympics again.

His hands are sweaty, tongue stuck to his gums.

Even without touching, even without any physical contact, Niragi’s presence is overwhelming, not softly stranding on his lonely island, but downright flooding it in a storm of emotions he doesn’t dare to name.

"What happened to ‘at least ten beds between us’?" Arisu tries it with a casual joke, but the scratchiness and breathlessness in his voice betrays his attempt at nonchalance.

A soft snort reaches his ears. It almost sounds … fond. "I can make an exception."

For tonight? Or … for me? Arisu doesn’t dare to ask for further clarification.

"You’re still awake?" Arisu whispers into the darkness of the room after a small eternity of silence, only disrupted by the occasional muffled giggles and … very explicit noises sounding from the other bedroom.

"No."

"Ha ha ha."

Another snort. No reply otherwise. Arisu wonders if Niragi feels it, too, the tension hanging in the air between them. If his heart also beats faster than necessary. If he’s replaying the evening again and again and again - and always gets stuck at their almost-kiss. He wonders if..-

"Truth or Dare?"

Niragi adjusts his position with a heart-felt sigh. "Again?"

Arisu claws his fingers into the soft bedsheets beneath him. "One last round? For both of us?"

"Sounds like a trap." It sounds like light amusement.

"You can sleep instead," Arisu shrugs, but swallows dryly.

"Truth, then."

"Why did you quit?"

Niragi’s breath hitches.

Arisu halts his breath, knuckles turning white from how hard he buries his fingers in the sheets.

"You don’t have to answer, if you feel uncomfortable," he adds quietly. "I’m sorry if I-" He interrupts himself with a startled gasp, as fingers brush against his in the slightest of touch. It’s barely a noticeable contact, more body heat mingling than actual skin on skin contact, like an in-between of reality and illusion. A closeness that isn’t enough to steer any unwanted reaction, that can be brushed aside with ease and without further consequences if needed. But also a closeness that breathes … opportunity, that gives room to morph into something more, to grow into fingers meeting softly, hands holding onto each other, into hearts intertwining and-

"It’s ‘cause of my mom."

Arisu doesn’t dare to move, to make any noise, to even breathe too loud, because Niragi sounds like balancing a thin rope between opening up to him and shutting down completely and every tiny noise or distraction could tip the scale towards the latter.

"She… got sick the year before last. Like, really sick. She couldn’t… take care of herself anymore and my … father," he almost spits that words out, as if it physically hurts him to call that person his father at all. Arisu can relate. "He’s..- basically non-existent for help or support. Only for … hurting and drinking and making everyone around him miserable, too."

Carefully Arisu moves his fingers closer, just so that the almost-contact turns into a featherlight one. While Niragi flinches in a first response, he doesn’t pull away.

"Some stupid-ass tumor, r-right… right behind her lungs somewhere? In...operable," Niragi whispers, his voice cracking in the middle and Arisu has to close his eyes to keep the tears at bay. Subconsciously, he brushes his fingers along Niragi’s - and bites his bottom lip as the other squeezes his own fingers between his gently, reinforcing the contact.

"I-Is she…?" He swallows, his throat tightened with emotions. He fears the answer.

A shake of his head and albeit that takes away a huge chunk of the trepidation weighing on his heart, Niragi’s pained tone tells him it’s far from good: "She’s still fighting. They tried it with all kinds of … different treatments over the past year, but none so far has really worked out ... in a way that promises certain rehabilitation." Niragi lets out a shake breath into the darkness, and it sounds like a suppressed sob. With utmost care and slowness, Arisu adjusts his hand so that Niragi's palm lays in his. Then he intertwines their fingers, loosely, testing. An offer, not a demand. When Niragi intertwines their fingers further after a long moment of tenseness, Arisu squeezes softly in return.

"And …" Niragi clears his throat and rips a part of Arisu’s heart out with how he fights for his voice not to break. "Insurance doesn't cover all treatments, so ... I need to cover huge parts of the costs, otherwise they w-won’t … won’t treat her. Which means ... working full-time and having nothing left for tuition fee, so... That's it, I guess?" He laughs, but it sounds bitter and exhausted, as if he’d been there before so many times. "That's the sad, cliche story of why I quit university. Or got thrown out once I couldn't pay the tuition fee anymore."

Arisu doesn't say anything, because he knows from experience that no words would be enough to mend or alleviate the pain, desperation and suffering inside Niragi in this moment. Instead he dares to run his thumb over the back of Niragi’s hand and feels his cheeks heat up when Niragi mirrors him, sending tingles down his spine by just the faintest of touches.

"You still owe me one truth or dare," Niragi whispers after a small eternity of silence, his voice still thick with emotions, but at least not sounding like he’s close to crying.

Arisu clears his throat. It sounds too loud in the quietness of the room. "Your turn then."

The mattress dips a bit when Niragi turns around to … face me? Uh …?

"Arisu?"

He’d never gotten used to hearing his name out of Niragi’s mouth in that quiet, soft tone, void of both arrogance and amusement. "H-Huh?"

Niragi pulls on his hand a bit, oh-so lightly. Arisu swallows dryly, before he follows the non verbal cue and turns around to him as well. City Lights falling through the windows illuminate Niragi’s pale face in a bluish light, soft strands of ink-black hair framing it. Arisu ignores the urge to tuck them behind his ear; it’s not his place, not his right to … touch, even if it is just a simple, innocent touch, even if they literally hold hands, even if Niragi has poured his heart out to him only seconds again. Even if he can’t be the only one feeling that tingling sensation between them, as their gazes get stuck on each other.

"I’m gonna play with open cards on this one: If you choose Dare now…" Niragi whispers into the little space between them. "I'm gonna dare you to kiss me."

What? Heat shoots into Arisu’s face.

"If you say Truth, I’m gonna ask what’s your favorite video game."

Arisu blinks at him for a very long moment, until his brains catches up with the full extent of his words. He’s giving me an easy way out. He’s offering, he’s admitting that he likes to kiss me as well, while still giving me an easy and comfortable way out.

Arisu wants no way out, he wants-

"Dare."

A shaky exhale, followed by a drawn-out sigh. Nerves? Nervousness? Doubt? A slight tug on his hand. No. No doubt.

Wetting his lips, Arisu scoots closer. Enough for their body heat to mingle, for sparks to fly between them, yet without touching. Their arms are trapped between their bodies now. Neither of them care, keeping their fingers intertwined softly. Up close, illuminated by the city lights, Niragi is even more gorgeous, eyes glinting with something soft and vulnerable and hopeful.

"What if I… if I don’t want this to be just one kiss?" He whispers into charged-up air between them, dreading the answer but fearing the uncertainty even more. "N-Not in the sense of sex! I..- I just …What if I… I..- I really like you? What if I want to … what if I want you to be my..- my boyfriend?"

"Then I’m," Niragi tilts his head further, leans in further, the magnetic pull between them painfully obvious. "I’m gonna admit that I’ve never been one for a One-Night-Kiss, Arisu."

With that he leans in and connects their lips, soft, testing, unobtrusive. With the same curious nervosity that runs through his body right now, a startled bee-hive buzzing underneath his skin, turning into electrifying tingles down his spine as Niragi parts his lips and nudges his tongue against his. With a happy sigh he reciprocates the offer, feeling himself melting underneath the unhurried but intimate pace.

"Was this..-" He whispers once the lack of air forced them apart, voice scratchy. "Was it okay?"

"More than okay." A smile tugs at the corners of Niragi’s mouth. "And … f-for you?" He frowns slightly, insecurity flashing across his face.

Arisu squeezes his hand, smiling widely. "More than okay."

They lean back in simultaneously.

XII.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

"How are you feeling today in comparison to our last appointment?"

"I …"

He stops.

Takes time.

Breathes in. Evenly.

"Better."

She smiles. "And in the last four weeks?"

"As well."

"How does it make you feel to know you make progress?"

"Good? I think."

"You once said you felt like ‘doing the bare minimum’. Do you still feel that way?"

"No."

"Good." She smiles again. "You can be proud of your progress, Arisu-kun."

He nods.

Proud may be a too strong word, but he can settle for a hesitant ‘content’ for now.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

♢

"How are you feeling today?"

"Shitty," he snorts. "Otherwise I wouldn’t be here, right?"

"I would not say that psychological help only applies to those feeling ‘shitty’."

"Uh-huh…"

"Lets start with something simple for our first session."

" …whatever."

"Tell me about yourself. The things you are comfortable telling me."

"Really now?"

"Really. And whenever you prefer to start."

He sighs. Picks on his nail polish. Bobs his knee up and down.

She waits. Patiently. Unhurried.

Fuck it.

"I’m … Niragi. Suguru. But you already know that. 25 years old and I… I..-"

He takes a breath. "Fuck, there’s shit ton of things, so I don’t..- I’m not sure where to-"

"Wherever you feel most comfortable."

"Okay… okay, so … I..- my mother, she’s…"

♢

"This is the sexiest voice mail you’ll ever hear. Why? Cause you’re allowed to hear my sexy voice, of course! If you wanna hear it in real-life as well, which I’m sure you want, just leave little old me a message after the …. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP, hehe."

Beeeeeep.

Arisu takes a deep, long breath - and then makes the first step: "Hey, Karube. Sorry that I haven’t answered your calls sooner. I … had things on my plate and … I feel like I pushed you away lately? You and Chota both, and that’s not what I wanted and I’m sorry for it. I’m just … I..- didn’t do so well? Nothing severe, it had been worse before, but I really- I..- miss you, both of you. And I know it’s stupid ‘cause we can hear each other over the phone every time, but I … really could use a hug? Just… call back if you want? I’m not gonna ignore you, I promise, okay? Say hi to Chota for me…"

Arisu ends the call, inhales - and feels the ghost of a smile on his lips.

It’s not much, but it’s a start.

Another weight off his chest.

Two hour later, he’s dragged to Sunshine to Go, with Chota hooked in on his right side and Karube on his left.

"I… didn’t expect you to be here this quick." Arisu scratches his neck in slight embarrassment after Kuina, one of the waitresses in here, had served their drinks and sweets.

"You call, we come," Karube shrugs his shoulders casually, as if it is a given law of nature and not up for discussion.

"We're happy you called." Chota smiles at him. "And reached out to us."

Guilt bubbles up in Arisu. "I'm sorry that I..- I didn't... or couldn't do it earlier. I know I've been not the best friend-"

Karube shakes his head vehemently. "You are, you're always been our best friend, Arisu, what the fuck you talking 'bout?"

"Uh..."

"What he says," Chota affirms. "Without the swear words."

"Oh, you love hearing me swear."

"Debatable."

"Oh, but you love to swear yourself whenever I have you bent-"

"SOOOO..." Chota draws the word out loudly in an desperate attempt to drown out Karube's "in half".

Arisu chuckles, feeling some sense of belonging blooming in his chest again. Their banters may not be like back when all of them were best friends with each other, but maybe it doesn't have to be that way. Maybe different is enough. Better even. He changed and so did they, but it doesn’t have to mean they changed in different directions after all.

"Want to tell us what's on your mind lately?", Chota offers softly.

"Ohh," Karube pulls up one of his legs, repositioning himself on the seat. "He's good at that, Arisu."

"Year long practice of listening to your butt complaining about the most random stuff." Chota rolls his eyes, yet the look he gives Karube is one of endearment.

"Only proves how much you love me, babe." He throws a kiss his way, before turning to Arisu again. "Stop overthinking and just tell us whatever is going on, alright. It can’t be worse than the one time you seriously considered getting into med school just to impress Blondie."

"It wasn't med school, it was psychology," Arisu corrects him half-heartedly.

"Thank fuck you didn't go through with it."

Arisu can't object with that. Otherwise he would not have met Niragi Suguru in the first place.

"I'm glad how things turned out in the end."

Chota smiles. "That's good to hear."

"Blondie wasn't worth it either way." Karube can't stop himself from commenting with a snort, before getting back into his usual, chill self. "So, give us an update, yeah? What has our favorite little gamer been up to the last few months?" Karube ruffles his hair with a big grin and instead of trying to dodge the contact, Arisu feels warmth exploding inside his stomach. Shit … I missed this.

"We won't judge," Chota adds softly and squeezes his hand for a moment in reassurance. "Never."

Arisu takes a deep breath. Then a long sip of his coffee. One step at a time, right? Into the right direction.

"Okay, so ... I guess it starts with me being in a literal horror movie, cowering under a bed and fearing to be thrown into prison?"

"That’s how I love a good story to start!" Karube chuckles out loud.

"And, uh … that’s how I somehow got myself a boyfriend along the way?"

"The one with the piercings?!" Karube whistles impressed. "Shit, he’s hot. Nice catch, buddy." He slaps his shoulder in appreciation.

"Uh …" Arisu’s eyes dart to Chota, before giving Karube a ‘Your BOYFRIEND is sitting right next to you’-look.

Chota and Karube share a look.

Chota chuckles.

Karube grins.

Arisu … blinks? Huh?

"If you two are ever up for a foursome, hit us up, yeah?"

Arisu splutters his coffee out. Karube dodges with a laugh, while Chota now looks at his wet shirt in a mixture of ‘I knew this would happen’ and ‘But why does it have to happen to me?’

"S-SORRY!" He lends Chota his table napkin. "I- we’re not-"

"Don’t worry, just joking." Karube gives him a slap on his back, before grinning cheekily. "Or am I."

Chota rolls his eyes. "Daiki, stop teasing him."

"Fine fine, I’ll stop … if I get something in return." Karube leans onto the table, eyes glinting with mischief - and then fluttering close as Chota kisses him softly.

"Mhh… hey!" Karube pouts as Chota keeps the kiss soft and brief. "That’s hardly enough for a-"

"Don’t push your luck, Daiki."

"Oh, see that, Arisu?" Karube nudges his side and leans in conspiratorially. "Isn’t he cute when he tries himself at being commanding? He’s learning himself in powerbottoming lately, it’s really adorable."

Chota slaps his arms lightly, while his cheeks light up a bright red.

Karube laughs, a low, charismatic noise vibrating in the back of his throat, before he catches Chota’s arm and places a kiss on his knuckles.

Arisu laughs with them and, for the first time in a long time, feels like this is where he belongs. Where he has always belonged.

Maybe today is a good day.

Maybe tomorrow will be, too.

XIII.

♢♢

"Can you describe your relationship with your father?"

He snorts. "Nonexistent at times."

"And at other times?"

" …painful..."

"Do you have anywhere to go? A support system?"

"I’m currently living with friends. Satok- I mean, the owners of Satoki Cafe Paradise.

"Hm." She smiles a little. "They have the most delicious chocolate cherry cupcakes. Perfect for my daily tea ceremonies."

Heat shoots up his face.

"Excuse me for my rambling." But she still smiles, her gaze focused on him unhurriedly. "How is your relationship with them?"

"They’re … the best, really." His throat tightens with emotions. "I wouldn’t be he- They did a lot for me."

"I see."

♢♢

Arisu rubs one hand over his face, not even trying to suppress the loud, long yawn that is ripped out of him. The lines of code begin to blur in front of his vision, as he stares at the same error for … what, the twentieth time now? He tried to run the code multiple times in different variations, checked the error messages, but his sleep-deprived mind seems to not be able to register more than the smell of coffee and sweets paired with enthusiastic humming from the counter where Sasaki is adamant about proving he know each and every song softly sounding from the radio boxes.

Chin supported on his hand, Arisu allows his eyes to fall close for a moment. The deadline draws closer in rapid speed and it doesn’t help that he decided to go with a way more complex and intricate ideas for his bachelor thesis. He runs low on sleep and high on coffee for the last few weeks, leaving him in a permanent sleep-deprived state. Just another two weeks to power through … Just another …two … weeks. And for now… just a small break. Just … for … a moment…

Arisu wakes with an exhausted groan and a strained back. Slowly, still half-way asleep, he sits upright again, stretching, before rubbing his eyes.

"You’re awake." A chuckle and Arisu lifts his head - just to be hit with the most precious smile ever.

"For you." Without stopping to type on his laptop, Niragi nods to the Thermos bottle and the cupcake in front of him. "Get something into your empty stomach, I’m almost …" he skims over something on the laptop and pushes the round glasses back up the bridge of his nose. God, it’s unfair how cute he looks with glasses.

"Finished!" Niragi announces at the same time Arisu takes the first few sips of coffee.

Grinning, he turns the laptop around to him again. "Thought I help out for a bit. I saved your own progress in another file, if you don’t feel like using my finished code." He shrugs casually.

With sleep-filled eyes, he blinks at the coding for a few very long moments, forcing his brain to switch to ‘work-mode’ again. When the cogs in his brain start to move - not least because of the huge sips he takes from the deliciously smelling coffee cup - he raises his eyebrows in astonishment.

"That’s …" His eyes darts back between Niragi’s smiling a him and his laptop. "The perfect solution?! With that, I avoid having to over-complicate the file for the character design and can just implement it like this. How didn’t I come up with this?"

"Cause you were cosplaying one of those brainless zombies in your starting dungeon. Rather successfully," Niragi laughs and ruffles through his hair, which doesn’t do any damage to his already messy hair, but has his heart skipping a beat.

Arisu catches his arm softly, questioning.

Niragi’s eyebrows twitch up. Then a small, happy smile appears on Niragi’s face, before he leans over and intertwines their lips in a soft and intimate kiss that has Arisu sighing contently.

"Try to catch some sleep, yeah?" Warm breath brushes against his lips as Niragi pulls back slowly, already having him craving for another kiss and warm cuddles.

Instead he shakes his head. "I can’t, the deadli-"

"Catch some sleep or I’ll rat you out to Sasaki."

Arisu blinks at him, feeling betrayed. "You wouldn’t."

Niragi raises his left eyebrow, non-verbally saying: ‘Are you sure about that?’

"Fiiiine…" He groans in capitulation. Last thing he needs is an overzealous Sasaki bringing him to bed - or tying him to it, until he takes some (very much needed) sleep. He’s thankful that Sasaki and Sato not only offered Niragi, but also him (a literal foreigner to them) to crash at the apartment whenever he needs or wants to, but he knows this can’t be a long-term solution. He already looked into some free rooms on campus, but hasn’t gotten an answer back yet.

"Your coding is still better than mine," Arisu says with admiration instead of frustration, saves his - or rather Niragi’s coding - and turns off his laptop.

"You were just tired, that’s all. You’re doing gre-"

"Suguru?" Arius interrupts him softly.

Niragi lifts his eyebrows at him, prompting him to continue.

"Do you …" Arisu clears his throat. He wanted to talk about this for the longest time, but the timing never seemed right. The timing will never be right for uncomfortable and sensitive topics like this. "Do you miss it?"

He doesn’t have to specify his question; both of them know what he refers to.

"I … sure, I do," Niragi shrugs and it hurts Arisu to see him try to downplay his own wishes just so that he doesn’t feel down as well.

"If you had the chance to go back to-"

"Ryo…"

"But if you would have, Su," Arisu leans forward on the table in emphasis. "If you had the chance to go back to university, to continue your studies… would you?"

Niragi sighs deeply, his gaze wandering past Arisu and out of the window. Melancholic, as if he’d been at this point, gone through this exact thought experiment so many times before, it exhausts him deeply. And still…

A bittersweet smile on his lips. "It would be nice, yes."

XIV.

♢♢♢

"How did you feel, after hearing the news of her death?"

"How the fuck you think?!"

She looks at him, unperturbed. "Too soon?"

He scrapes the metallic piercing against his gums.

"Like my world..- Like it just stopped? Like my worst nightmare … turned reality."

He clenches his hands to fists, buries his nails into the palm, feels the pain, first soft then harder, hard and-

"Suguru?" His name, spoken out soft, but firm.

With a last hard press, he opens his fist again.

"Powerless," he whispers out. "I felt powerless. Guilty for ... letting her, for not stopping her."

"Do you still feel that way?"

"I..-" He swallows hard, staring at his nail polish.

"I tell myself she died doing something she loved. It helps. Sometimes. On good days."

"And on bad days?"

" …"

♢♢♢

Arisu waits until his classmates left the auditorium. Then he steps down to the pult.

"Professor Kuzuryu-san?"

The man in question looks up from the sheets on his pult. "Arisu-kun. What can I do for you?"

"I … have a question. If you have a minute to spare?"

"Of course," Kuzuryu folds his hands over the paper and gives him a tight-lipped smile. "That is what I am here for."

"Uh … actually, it’s not about the class," Arisu scratches his neck, trying to find the right words.

"Is something else worrying you?" Kuzuryu looks at him in open, calm interest. "If it would help we can schedule an appointment to speak further about what plagues your mind?"

"Uh, no, it’s just … about tuition fees?" At least I’m on the right track?

"Do you have problems affording tuition?" Kuzuryu asks, free of any judgment. "There are certain programs that help students financially. We could go over them together later this afternoon, find the best solution? And with your grades, a scholarship would be worth looking in-"

"It’s not for me," Arisu interrupts him, balancing his weight from one foot to the other.

"I … see." Kuzuryu adjusts his glasses. "If that is the case, please tell the student to come see me. There is no need for shame and I am sure we can find an adequate solution."

"He’s not a student."

"Then I’m afrai-"

"Currently," Arisu adds quickly, crossing his fingers behind his back. "Not anymore. But he’d like to be. Again."

Kuzuryu observes him for a moment, eyes behind rectangular glasses attentive. "If you don’t mind me asking. Are we talking, by any chance, about Niragi-kun?"

Arisu raises his eyebrows in surprise. O-kay, that was-

"He did stop paying his tuition fees abruptly last year and unfortunately did not answer when we reached out to him. So we had to disenroll him." Kuzuryu gives him a moment to let the information sink in. "I…" He clears his throat. "I did wonder what had happened to him. He has always been an exceptionally well and talented student, it is … a shame."

"There… were circumstances," Arisu stays vague, because despite how much he wants to help Niragi getting back into what he really loves, it’s not his story to tell, not his right to. "But he … I think he’d love to pick up his studies again. It’s just … financially speaking…" Arisu leaves the sentences unfinished and hopes for intelligent Kuzuryu to connect the dots.

Once more Kuzuryu adjusts his glasses, something he does more frequently when being confronted with a decision. Arisu crosses his fingers behind his back and prays for a positive response.

Kuzuryu clears his throat; the final verdict is ready to be announced: "I assume you have my phone number from the student mailing list?"

Arisu nods quickly, hopefully.

"You can pass my number onto him. If he truly desires to pick up his studies again, I will see that we find a solution concerning financial support."

"Thanks, SIR! You’re the best!" Arisu exclaims and is barely able to stop himself from hugging his professor.

Kuzuryu blinks at him, a tad bit perplex. "I…"

"I won’t keep you away from Professor Aguni any longer. You two make a lovely pair, by the way! Enjoy your break, Kuzuryu-san!"

"I-I..-"

But Arisu is already on his way out of the auditorium, phone in his hand, ignorant to the deep flush in Kuzuryu’s face.

XV.

♢♢♢♢

"What kind of day is today?"

"A shitty one."

"Why is that?"

"Bad news. From the hospital."

"I am sorry to hear that."

"Me, too."

♢♢♢♢

Today is a bad day.

Niragi knows he should not let that get to him, that after a bad day most likely follows a better day and then a good day. That progress is, inherently, not a constant forward, that it’s studded with setbacks, hardships and deep disappointment mixed in with hopelessness. One step at a time. And if necessary, one step back. Small progress is, after all, still progress.

So instead of gracing him with her soft, gentle voice today, his mother just smiles tiredly at him, her thin body small and fragile in the over-sized bed. She’s been thinner, weaker before. She’s been healthier, stronger before as well. It’s a constant battle, but even with her body frail and exhausted, she fights like a lion against the tumor wanting to take everything left of her.

The test results came back worse than expected; not as bad as they could be, just … not as good as expected, hoped for either.

Another slightly different treatment is on the table now, up for discussion among the doctors. Re-evaluation. Re-educating the body. Retry. As long as there is enough left in her to retry, there’s a seed of hope inside him as well, slow and difficult to grow, but still with the possibility of blooming into something beautiful in the end.

With a weak groan she lifts her hand, shaking tremendously. Understanding, he cradles hers with his own, leaning down and bringing it to his right cheek. Her mouth trembles a bit, but there is a soft smile on it, as she tries to fight against the tiredness, against the exhaustion in every cell of her body, and look up at him instead, with something that looks like pride and that has Niragi’s heart in a chokehold. They stay like this for a very long moment, silently sharing all the hope and fear and suffering, until he notices her eyes fluttering close every so often. Softly, he takes the decision off of her.

"You can sleep, mom," he whispers and places a kiss onto her knuckles. "I’m gonna be here tomorrow as well, okay? And then we see what the doctors say, right?"

A small nod, an even smaller smile. Small steps. As long as we can do small steps, we can still make progress. And even if we take a moment of pause, even if we stagnate for a bit, it’s just an intermediate stop on the way of getting better. We’re allowed to stagnate, to rest for a bit, to catch our breath and gather our strength for the next stage.

Gently he puts her hand back onto the bed, desperately trying to keep the tears at bay.

"Let me…" He reaches for the bottle of water, helps her a bit up as best as possible and guides the straw to her mouth. What she had done without a problem herself last month, she now needs help with. Gratefully she drinks and carefully he puts her back into the sheets.

"S-Swee…heart…" She mumbles quietly, her voice scratchy and barely audible. "We’re not … losing … hope."

"Never." It takes all his effort and will to suppress the sob that sits in the back of his throat and put on a smile instead. She smiles back, before her eyes flutter close once again. He holds her hand, until she’s asleep, her chest moving up and down in slow, even in- and exhales.

Then he runs his fingers through his hair and allows the tears to fall.

When he calmed down, tired but feeling empty in a good way from all the crying, he checks his phone - and gets hit with a bunch of new messages from Arisu.

Second Best Mario Kart Player (aka Gamer Boyfriend)

Hey, Su

Hope everything is okay in the hospital?

Say hello to your mom for me :)

So … there’s actually something I wanna talk about? Don’t worry, it’s nothing bad. Uhm … just, promise me not to be mad?

Niragi raises his eyebrows. There are very few things he would truly be mad about concerning Arisu.

I … okay, so I talked to Kuzuryu? You know, our prof? And I asked if there’s a chance to help with tuition fee?

Help you with the tuition fee, I mean. If you would want to come back? And I’m sorry if I overstepped, but I’m just… you seemed so happy when you were coding and I know how much you loved your studies and how much you deserve to do what makes you happy. So I asked him and he said that he’d help to find a way so you can resume your studies at uni? Something about a scholarship and other financial help, even a room at campus, if you want?

And I … it’s your decision alone, Su, I just… I want you to be happy, too. And if this is what would make you happy, please take the chance.

I pass you his number. He said you can call him whenever, if you’re still interested.

Kuzuryu Keiichi: (10) 4 9 1 13 15 14 4 19

Love you :*

Niragi exits the chat, unsure what exactly to feel. He’s not angry, not really, but he’s also not doing a joyful leap at the news. It’s not that he doesn’t want it; of course he wants to get back to his studies. But he’s scared of doing so. Of having hope and having it crushed right in front of his eyes. Of putting his heart and passion into it, just for university to suddenly decide he’s not worth the cost. Of getting disappointed once again. Or worse, disappointing others along the way.

Lost in thoughts, his eyes dart back to his mother. Many doctors have given her up over the last year. And still she’s alive, fighting. Because she never gave herself up.

Small steps, right?

Today is a bad day.

But maybe he can work towards making tomorrow a better one. With a last smile at his mom, sleeping quietly in her bed, he leaves her room and takes a deep breath. You can do it, Suguru. You can. If she can fight cancer and your violent father, you can fight, too.

Rubbing the palm of his hand on his jeans, he dials the number Arisu gave him. It takes him three attempts, because his fingers are shaking, and another minute of struggling with himself to press the call button.

Bleep. Bleep. Bleep.

His heart is beating out of his chest.

Bleep. Bleep. Bleep.

His palms sweaty, hands trembling.

Bleep. Bleep. Bleep.

What would I even say? How would I even explain my situation?

Bleep. Bleep. Bleep.

I didn’t ask for help last year, even when he asked me if I have private issues. Fuck, what if he’s still mad about that, what if-

"Kuzuryu Keiichi. How can I help you?"

Niragi opens his mouth - but no words come out. No matter how many times he'd rehearsed the words in his mind, the 'Hello, Niragi here. I heard you could help me', his tongue feels heavy and glued to his gums, his throat dry, his heart like it's close to bursting open and ceasing to exist.

What if I get rejected? What if he tells me that there's nothing he can do for me? Or reprimands me, for not giving him an answer last year. What if-?

"Hello?"

Niragi takes a shaky inhale - and then blurts out: "H-Hi, hello, uh ... Kuzuryu-san. It's ... Niragi. Suguru? Arisu gave me ... uh, your number and I-I ... I thought I'd call. Hope I'm not distracting you right now?"

"Oh, Niragi-kun, hello. Do not worry, you are not disturbing me," Kuzuryu answers in the same calm tone that Niragi remembers him by. "Am I right to assume you are calling because of your wish to resume your study on our university?"

Niragi nods, squeezes out a "Y-Yes" and hopes for the best.

Epilogue

♡♢

9 months later

For the fifth time in under a minute Arisu wipes his sweaty hands on his jeans, balancing the bouquet of white roses back and forth. Hesitantly he peeks around the corner, just to pull back into the alleyway, where the window can't reach him. His heart beats out of his chest. He tries a few calming in- and exhales; with mediocre success. He looks at the flowers, suddenly unsure. Should I have chosen different ones? Is this the right flower? What if I make a fool of myself in front of-

"Why are you hiding here?"

Arisu whips around, the back of his shoe getting caught in the lumpy ground and he falls and- is pulled into Niragi's embrace, arms wrapped around his waist and back in a quick, secure grip. "Watch it," Niragi murmurs, as he pulls him upright again. Brushing over his waist for a moment, he lets go again.

"U-Uh ... thanks." His neck prickles under the white button-up he had pushed into his pants and then pulled out of it again in front of the mirror at least six times this afternoon. 'You're head over heels, buddy', Karube had said, before deciding for him to leave it out of the jeans and pair it with a black, light jacket.

"You dressed up," Niragi notes casually. His gaze flickers over his body, unhurried, a soft, reverent brush, making warmth explode in his chest. "You know you didn't have to, but..- looks good, really."

Says the one looking like a model doing some laid-back shooting, Arisu thinks when taking in the tight black pants and the purple, cozy looking sweater with two pota-TOES on it - toes-shaped potatoes with sunglasses on and high-fiving each other with their big toe. Only Niragi manages to look good in something hilarious as this. Combined with his silver-framed glasses and his black hair put up in a stylishly messy bun, photographers all over the world would fight for a chance to take his picture (in Arisu’s humble and absolutely not biased opinion).

"Why are you lingering around the alleyway as if Mercer from the Thieves Guild has given you a new quest?" Niragi’s eyes dart to the bouquet in his hand. "Are they … for me?"

Arisu rolls his eyes. "No, your mom."

A slight tilt of his head. Another black strand falling into his face. A..- No. No no no, that can’t be- "What if I want to be gifted flowers, too, though?" Oh shit, it is! IT IS A POUT, small and barely visible and easy to overlook, but it is there! A Pout! On his lips! Oh shit, I’m done, I’m-

"Just joking, you don’t have to- W-Wha…?" Niragi’s eyes turn round as the moon, as Arisu pulls one white rose out of the bouquet and steps closer. "What are you..?"

"Hold still, yeah?" Ignoring how his own voice comes out equally affected and scratchy, he sticks the flower into his hair carefully, making sure it withstands at least the soft wind of spring and a few teasing tilts of Niragi’s head. "There." Arisu can’t stop himself from grinning giddily at his boyfriend, the white petals such a beautiful contrast to his ink-black hair - and his rose tinted cheeks. "Pretty U."

Niragi sways between blushing even further, rolling his eyes at him or just averting his gaze. In the end he goes for a mumbles "tease" and pushes the strap of his laptop case further up his shoulder. "So … why are you here?"

Immediately he blushes as hard as Niragi did only seconds ago. "I wanted to, uhm… w-wait for you here and..- I-"

"Are you nervous?" Niragi grins at him in a mix of soft amusement and honest surprise.

"Of course I am!" Arisu blurts out. "It’s your mom and I wanna..- wanna leave a good impression and…"

"You met her before, Ryo." Niragi reaches for his hand, smile turning reassuring. Of course he had, a few times in the hospital over the last months, but this is different, this is her not pumped full of medication and totally exhausted from the treatment. This here is like a first real meeting in their home, and-

"You don’t need to be nervous." On instinct Niragi scoots a bit closer, now laying his hands on his shoulders. "She likes you, Ryo. She told me multiple time, was literally gushing about what a kind, smart boyfriend I have."

"S-Still…" Arisu feels his ears heat up.

"Cute," Niragi chuckles before leaning in slowly, searching his eyes in a soft question. Arisu answers by meeting him halfway, intertwining their lips in a soft kiss, careful not to squish the flower bouquet between them.

When they part again, Arisu notices something flickering over Niragi’s face, something that has the other avoid eye contact all of a sudden.

"Hey," he guides his face back to him gently. "What is it? Was the kiss-"

"N-No! The kiss was … fucking perfect," Niragi breathes out quickly. He bites his bottom lip for a moment. "Still … no answer."

"Don’t worry, you’ll get one, too," Arisu retorts with a conviction that is normally reserved to his knowledge in video games.

"If not, it’s whatever." His slumped shoulders betray his attempt at casualness.

"You will." Arisu got the internship offer last week; Niragi is still waiting for either a final rejection or offer. "They just need longer ‘cause-"

"Exactly," Niragi twists his mouth. "Kyuma Productions never take interns who are still doing their bachelor’s degree. Ever."

"So what?" Arisu counters, nudging Niragi’s shoulder softly. "You’re not just any bachelor student, you’re a prodigy in your craft, Su."

"Charmer …"

"Stray Kids, right?"

Niragi’s faces lights up instantly. "You listened to their Maniac album?!"

"You recommended, so …" Arisu shrugs, smiling effortlessly. Sincerely. Ever since Niragi has stepped into his life like the whirlwind he is, smiling feels a lot more natural again.

"You sounded like Kuzuryu just now, by the way."

Arisu blinks. "Wait, don’t tell me he’s listening to K-Pop, too?! Did you convert him? Oh shit, I bet he loves Seventeen, right? His bias is Wonwoo, that's for sure, they just give off simil-"

"No, god no." Niragi lets out a light chuckle, worry and doubts still there, but the little grin genuine. "I meant that he said I should keep my hopes up for the internship. And that my projects and portfolio weigh way more than the fact I’m not a master student."

"See?" Arisu grins back, then is reminded of something. "You know what I saw, though?"

"Him and Aguni kissing behind the gym hall?" Niragi gives back.

"You saw them, too?!"

"Oh hell yeah. The embodiment of awkward kissing."

"At least they finally decided to get to it."

"Wedding in 25 instead of 30 years then?" Niragi jokes back, before taking a moment to just … look at me?

"What?" He asks back, already feeling warm underneath the loving gaze Niragi throws him. U-Uh, wha-? "Come." Soft and with a smile, Niragi takes his free hand and guides him along.

The apartment is different to how Arisu had experienced its condition the first time he stepped inside. Clean and tidy now. Filled with light and plants. The scent of delicious food, flowers and different spices filling his nostrils right away.

No empty beer or vodka bottles rolling around on the ground. No dirty clothes thrown carelessly across the living room. No cigarette smell stinging in his nose. No dishes piling up.

Arisu had accompanied Niragi right after the evening he got the call from the police station, telling him that his father had been arrested and taken into custody. The offer to bail him out Niragi had declined with a calm and detached voice. After all those years of him using physical and emotional violence against his wife and son, it was a fist fight in a bar with the worth several millions CEO of SanTek, Morita Katsu, that got him behind bars. Morita had spared no efforts or expenses and unleashed his best lawyers on him, including criminal law starlets Sanada Takeru and Okumura Yuri. Money changed hands, secret calls were made - and Niragi’s father ended up with a way higher sentence than usual in simile cases. Four and a half years in prison and corrupt as the system is, this verdict is nothing else than at least a fragment of justice for the torment he put his family through so many years.

As Niragi gently pushes him into the living/dining room and his mom pulls him into a heart-felt embrace, her warmth and joviality melts his previous nervosity.

As she takes the flowers with a warm smile and puts them into a vase, as her gaze gets stuck on the single white rose in Niragi’s hair and then at him with a happy glint in her eyes, as she and Niragi start a soft banter over whether to put more curry into the sauce? These are the moments when the room breathes with life and light and warmth.

It’s not just the condition of a room, Arisu understands, it’s the people who occupy that space that give it life - or take it. Niragi Hana may have still a long and hard way to go in her healing process, but right here - with her warm, welcoming smile and her gentle eyes and the unwavering positivity with which she defies the fate she’s been dealt - she’s glowing the brightest out of them all.

Arisu is almost astonished how quickly he’s put at easy around her, surprised with how she treats him as if this as much his home as hers and Suguru’s. Arisu enjoys listening to her stories and feeling like he belongs, but moreover he enjoys to watch how soft and caring Niragi and his mother treat each other, like … family. Home.

A word which meaning had been lost and forgotten for the longest time in Arisu’s life. A word that still elicits conflicting feelings inside him from time to time. It had been worse before. Hajime and him had started to cautiously talk to each other over the past months. Only small-talk, sometimes only hello’s and goodbye’s, sometimes a "How was university?" (There’s a poetic sense of irony in the fact that as soon as he accepted the silence, learned to live with it instead of trying to disrupt it at all cost, the place he once called home became a tad bit less silent.)

It’s a small progress, but a progress nonetheless.

None with his father, though. Maybe this particular relationship will never heal, maybe there are too many broken pieces that putting them back together would only lead to the illusion of something repaired.

Maybe time will prove him wrong. Maybe it will prove him right.

Maybe Arisu will learn to live with that fact eventually; he feels like he’s on a good way.

A ring tone pulls them out of their enthusiastic discussion and Niragi pulls his hand out of his to look at his phone. "It’s the company."

"Take it, Su," Arisu prompts him, overlapping with Hana’s "It’s good news, I’m sure."

Niragi takes a last deep breath, before standing up and giving them a slightly apologetic look before going out into the floor.

A minute later he comes back with the biggest grin and a "I got the internship! I fucking got it!"

Hana and Arisu jump off the chair simultaneously, exclaims of "I knew it!", "Oh, my sweet boy!", "We’re gonna go there together, Su!" and "I am so proud of you, sweetheart!" echoing through the room. When Arisu gets pulled into the hug Niragi and his mother share, covered in warmth and belonging and love, he adds another definition to the word that lost its meaning due to the hardships he faced.

Home is where one can find shelter and warmth in the eye of the devastating storm that can be every day’s life.