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Chapter Text

The fated day of the Extermination had come.

The one time it'd ever happened in which Charlie Morningstar, princess of Hell, felt like she was forced to actively prepare for.

Adam, the First Man and potentially First Asshole if the Story of Hell was to be believed, had made sure to tell her and Vaggie that he would be gunning for them after all. For the hotel and everyone in it.

Charlie's options had been rather limited, so in defence of her hotel and its inhabitants, she'd struck a deal with the cannibals to allow them a chance at Angel flesh if they helped her and her hotel against Adam and his forces. Meanwhile Vaggie had secured them an appropriate amount of Angelic Steel in order to actually fight back and damage the Angels.

Once Adam had shown up with his Exterminators, at first the battle had been somewhat even. Their side had given as good as they'd gotten in a battle Charlie hadn't asked for, nor did she ever want, but one she'd gotten anyway. As regrettable as it was with all the needless loss of life that could've been avoided if Adam hadn't been so… Adam.

And then… things got lop-sided the moment Adam actually started giving forth some effort. His Angels started to overwhelm her side entirely, and before long the Exterminators basically had the Sinners up against the wall. All while Vaggie fought desperately against Lute and she…

She fought against Adam after the First Man forced Alastor to flee.

Charlie, not being a fighter, had given the best she could with her inexperience and even managed to wound him with her trident, but that was hardly enough. Adam had soon overpowered her and before long she'd found herself raised in the air in a chokehold with Adam laughing and telling her she'd better prepare to die with the rest of whom had gone into this battle with her.

To her relief, that's when her dad had shown up and knocked Adam away from her. A heroic moment in her mind with him finally being able to intervene, given that the treaty between Heaven and Hell had been voided.

A part of her wondered why he hadn't shown up sooner but the princess wasn't going to harp on that much. What mattered was that he'd arrived, and he was here to help them against Adam and his forces!

"Aggh! Seriously! Just how many of you freaks do I have to fight!" Adam groaned, more in annoyance than pain, as he crawled out back onto the roof-top he'd been choking her on through the broken window her dad's punch had sent him through. Half of his mask broken off, revealing one side of his pale-skinned face.

A face that weirdly didn't look all that healthy, despite him coming from literal Paradise. Though she didn't say it in the moment, he almost looked sickly, with a heavy bag under his eye that didn't look like it came from her dad's punch, but rather from a severe lack of sleep. Which was a little odd to say the least.

Charlie put that to the back of her mind though as her father placed her down, smirked, and then began walking his way toward Adam while rolling up one of his sleeves.

"Ohoh! I'm the only one who matters here!" He said with confidence, garnering himself Adam's full and undivided attention with gritted and teeth and a baleful glare down at him, as he stopped just a few feet in front of him and looked up at the First Man with a glare of his own. "You see, you chose to put your hands on my daughter and void the treaty, Adam. So now, I… am going to fuck you!"

The last words, sounding oddly giddy and triumphant, were delivered loudly and with a sharp-tooth baring grin as they echoed over the battlefield.

Silence immediately followed.

Literally everyone, from the Angels to the remaining cannibals and the Hazbins, as well as Vaggie and a now one-armed Lute tussling with her, all stopped fighting and turned toward the King of Hell. Either baffled, disgusted, or both by his choice of wording.

All except for Angel Dust, who raised a saucy eyebrow and gained a look about him that Husk noticed and knew all too well at this point with his perverted ass.

Adam himself lost any aggression on his face momentarily, instead staring down at Lucifer with a frowning mix of surprise and what the fuck etched so clearly on his features, only a blind man couldn't have seen it.

Charlie, ever the helpful daughter and presuming her father had misspoken, as he'd been wont to do in the past, awkwardly slid in beside him and whispered with a cringe, "It's uhh… fuck you up, dad…"

Her father glanced to her with a frown, looking genuinely perplexed by her words.

"Huh? It is? I could've sworn I-"

He didn't get to finish. A battle-cry from Adam cut him off before the First Man barrelled into him with renewed fury, smashing him through part of the building.

"Woah-hoh! Getting a little hasty there, big guy!" Lucifer seemed to taunt with a renewed grin as he slipped away from Adam's grasp by briefly shapeshifting himself into a bird and then back again. "Man, it's been too damn long! I haven't seen you – the real you – in ages!"

"Grrr! Not damn long enough for my fucking tastes, you shitty-ass clown!" Adam snarled, his expression more furious already than anything Charlie had seen, as he tried and failed to land an attack on her father who danced around his swinging arms and shot blasts of holy light with the greatest of ease.

"Hey-hey now, don't be like that!" Lucifer strangely seemed to coo back at him, looking bizarrely joyful to be interacting with him right now.

More joyful than Charlie recalled seeing him in… Well, ever.

"We're finally reunited, buddy! It's good to see you! Minus you choking my daughter and threatening her of course, but hey! That allowed me to intervene and come right here to you, so it's all good!" He spoke with enthusiasm. His odd words Charlie presumed was just his strange way of taunting him, as he dodged another beam of light with a laugh. "So, is this what you've been up to since the Primeval Earth days? You seem oddly paler since back then, though I suppose ascending would've gotten rid of the tan!"

"First of all, I'm not your fucking buddy! You lost the right to call me that shit fucking forever ago, dickhead!" Adam rebuked with a hint of confusion showing in his angered eye as he continued attacking and blasting to no avail, hitting nothing but air as Lucifer zigged and zagged around him. His six wings bared. "Second of all, the fuck!? What are you talking about!? I haven't seen your clownish ass since Eden!"

"Aww, big man! Don't be like that! You saw me plenty after Eden!" Lucifer called back, transforming into a snake as Adam finally got a hold of him. The devil seemingly trying to coil his way around and constrict the First Man, only for Adam to counter and swing him around by the tail.

An act that Lucifer took more amusement in than anything else, as he transformed again. This time into a horse and playfully kicked Adam away before reverting to his usual form with a big, dare it be said, nostalgic kind of smile that seemed very out of place to those watching.

Meanwhile, Charlie stood still on the roof, more than a little befuddled by what they were saying to each other.

Adam and her dad used to be buddies at one point? And it extended passed Eden too?

The Story of Hell had never made any mention of that.

Didn't even remotely imply it.

What was he talking about?

"Shut your fucking hole!" The First Man bellowed with wrath, as he and her father zoomed around the sky for a moment. Adam chasing and Lucifer giggling as he 'retreated' from him, almost like this whole thing was just a game to the ruler of Hell. An old kind that'd been played to death time and again. "I don't know what sort of bullshit is going on in your fuckass mind, but I haven't seen your ass since the day Lilith chose to fuck off with you and leave me alone! And I'd have preferred if it stayed that way!"

Those words garnered the first shift in Lucifer's otherwise joyful expression to one of confusion himself, as he avoided another beam of holy light.

Then something seemed to click in his mind as realization dawned on him.

"Ah, wait! Shit! How could I be so forgetful! Aghh! Damnit, knew I missed something before showing up!" He exclaimed, smacking his palm into his face before letting out an awkward chuckle and then waving his hand in-front of him for Adam to stop. "Sorry about that! Silly old brain of mine let it slip that it wasn't with this form that you and I got reacquainted and did our thing! Just hold on a sec, let me get to it! Haven't been in it since I saw you pass on in our bed!"

"Huh!? What in Heaven's…!? Okay seriously, the fuck is wrong with… you…" The LED light of his eye mirrored his exposed one as it blinked. The First Man's mouth falling open in shock at the form Lucifer shifted into and took with his angelic magic.

Suddenly he was taller. Much taller, now only being a head shorter than Adam himself with limbs almost as long too. His slicked-back, coiffed blonde hair elongating out and flowing down to the lower part of his back like a river of gold. His twink-ish body becoming much more curvaceous, boasting an hour-glass figure with wide hips, slim waist, meatier thighs and a hefty-looking set of sizeable breasts that strained his attire from within. One that barely managed to grow out with him and becoming exceptionally form-fitting.

It was the face he took though that really made Adam halt in disbelief.

Gone was the red dimples and sharp teeth, and gone was the almost chalk-white skin-tone, red eyes and any remote semblance of masculine features he'd had, however few there'd been.

In their place was a cute button-nose that'd previously been missing entirely, glossy skin that was a healthy pale-cream shade, a dazzling pair of sky-blue eyes, and a heart-shaped face of a woman so beautiful it could turn the head of just about any man or woman.

A woman that looked stupefyingly similar to the currently missing Queen of Hell. Enough to have Charlie and several others, both Angel and Sinner alike with their jaws open, unsure of what the Hell was going on anymore.

Lucifer placed a now dainty-looking, graceful hand on his – or more appropriately now, her hip – with a saucy grin stretching full, pinkish-red lips and gave a wink toward the dumbfounded lead Exterminator.

"Missed me, handsome?" Lucifer asked with a distinctly female voice that sounded eerily like Lilith's to anyone who'd ever heard her speak or sing before, with just a small difference in pitch separating them. "Because I definitely know I missed my hubby~!"

Chapter Text

Another silence descended on the Sinners and Angels involved in the Hotel battle.

The shock of Lucifer's sudden transformation into a tall, buxom woman that said Adam was her 'hubby' was sufficed to say, not something that anybody expected to witness. Let alone today of all days.

The two that were most stunned by the King of Hell's transformation and words after were, of course, the Devil's own daughter and Adam himself.

Both for completely separate but equally valid reasons.

After a moment that stretched on painfully long from her perspective, Charlie was the first to break out of her stupor. An incredibly awkward chuckle rising out of her in the face of what she saw her father doing.

"Uh-Uhm… Dad…?" She called out to the angel-turned-woman as she took a few steps closer to the edge of the rooftop with a strained look. "I-Is this uhh… really necessary?"

"Hmm? What do you mean, Char-Char?" Lucifer asked while glancing in her direction with way too much innocence for someone pulling out the guise of what must've been his enemy's second ex-wife just to…

Well, she wasn't even sure right now.

What she was sure of, was hearing a voice so close to her mom's – and a face to go along with it – had her feeling rather uncomfortable given her mother's mysterious disappearance years ago.

Actually no, scratch that. Even if her mother had never left, this would still have felt just as uncomfortable and downright bizarre to witness.

"This was totally necessary, honey. Though obviously, I'm sure it comes as quite a shock." Lucifer continued with a light, airy giggle that sounded nothing like his usual laugh.

"Y-Yeah, uhh… it certainly does, dad…" Charlie couldn't hold back her cringe, especially as her eyes wandered over to Adam briefly. The First Man having not budged an inch so far and gone eerily silent. A first given how much of a loudmouth he'd displayed himself to be. "C-Couldn't you have just… I don't know, beat him up a little and call it a day though?"

As much as Charlie disliked the man personally, her heart went out to him just a tiny bit here as she didn't even want to imagine what must've been running through his head right now.

Because seeing someone you hated taking on the form of the woman that was the mother of your kids – potentially just to mess with you, even though that didn't sound like the father she knew – was fucked up in too many ways to list.

Lucifer's new face blinked down at her bemused. "Beat him up a bit and call it a day? Char, I didn't-"

A sudden WHOOSH cut him – her? – off, and cut through the air itself as Lucifer tilted himself back to avoid a slash from a certain Angelic Axe aimed for his neck.

"Woah there! Hey now, be careful with that sweetie!" Lucifer laughed in a melodic way that yet again reminded Charlie and several others of Lilith, not taking the attempt to behead him/her seriously in the slightest, as the transformed Angel turned their sights back to the First Man. "No need to get uppity with me! Was just answering my daughter before I got back to you."

Lucifer then stifled another giggle against the back of his/her now dainty hand, paying no notice to the way Adam was now shaking and gripping his outstretched weapon hard enough to crush steel. "Jeez! This takes me back. You used to try any cheeky method you could to monopolize my attention as much as possible! Hehe, I still remember that time when Cain-"

"Shut the FUCK up!" Adam finally spoke again. His voice tearing through the space between them to cut Lucifer off as it bellowed out through the battleground that'd been made of the landscape surrounding the hotel.

It was so loud that it echoed as it pierced the air, full of an emotion that everyone present was easily able to place, even if they couldn't see his now half-masked face. The mask side having glitched and turned a violent crimson over its usual heavenly gold, as it picked up the snarl that dragged his entire face into a furiously stormy visage.

To put it in the simplest terms possible, the First Man wasn't just angry.

He was enraged beyond any conceivable measure.

"You…!" He growled. Teeth gritted hard enough to crack. "How… fucking… dare you…!"

Lucifer blinked, the smile on his/her face dimming. "Hubby…?"

"Don't call me that!" He roared louder than any lion, his eyes burning with wrath as he dove forward with axe prepared.

What proceeded next was pretty much a repeat of before with Adam chasing Lucifer, slicing with his axe – which ejected arcs of holy energy now – and blasting with his holy light to try and take him out with a renewed vengeance.

"And people call me fucking shameless!" He shouted as he missed each and every attack. Lucifer's now bodacious form bobbing and weaving around every move just as easily as before, longer hair whipping to and fro in the process as they zoomed about all over above the hotel battlefield. "Does this give you a nice little kick, you fucking clown!? Taking on her appearance just to fuck with me!?"

His stray arcs and blasts struck random buildings in the distance, carved up and obliterated numerous streets, and at times nearly hit and vaporized those within the vicinity.

"Oh, shit!" Angel Dust cursed in panic as he narrowly avoided one arc by dolphin diving to the ground.

"Aw fuckin' hell!" Cherri Bomb sweated behind him as she leapt back and spread her legs wide to dodge a stray beam that would've gored her otherwise. The heat so intense it damn near melted her jeans just from proximity.

"Nngh!..." Husk grunted wordlessly as he dropped low to avoid another blasting his head off so narrowly his fur was left singed.

"Hahahahahahahaaa! This is fun~!" Niffty meanwhile, cackled with a manic grin like she was having the time of her life. More strays coming in her direction for some strange reason than anyone else, almost killing her each time as she dodged only by the skin of her teeth. "Mooooore~! Send me more, you bad booooy~!"

Various cannibals and even Adam's own Exorcists were also forced to shoot back, cartwheel or dive away to barely avoid getting caught by a stray holy attack themselves.

One even came forth and forced Lute and Vaggie to separate from each other lest they both get taken out together.

"Fuck, that was close!" Vaggie exclaimed, her lone eye wide as a plate.

"Sir!" Lute called out loudly in alarm and worry, her gaze firmly focused on her commander. "Calm down! Don't let the fucking Devil get in your head like this! You're playing right into his evil, filthy hands!"

"Excuse you, bitch!" Lucifer's full lips frowned, offence creeping into his/her tone as the transformed Angel shot Lute a glare, dodging Adam's latest downward slice at the same time with a nigh-effortless glide left and pointed his/her finger at the Exorcist. "It's her right now, because I'm a proud woman, thank you very much! And my hands aren't evil either! Or filthy! No matter what some in Heaven might tell you!"

A huff left her mouth then as she casually avoided another slice of Adam's axe without even looking, all while planting her hands on her hips. "Geez. You eat one silly little apple and pay for it for the rest of your life. Hmph!"

Lute's mouth – and Vaggie's too – in earnest, fell open at the sheer lunacy going on before them.

Lucifer then turned back to Adam, putting on her best smile, and as Adam thrust his hand forward with another beam of holy light already charged up, she met it with her own hand. Her palm slapping against Adam's and casually cancelling out his magic attack while affectionately curling her fingers around his like a lover would.

"Anyway, my husband already knows all this. We lived together for over nine centuries on the Primeval Earth raising our family with love and care, after all!"

"Aaaagh! Let me go, you fucking cunt!" Adam raged with comical impotence, veins popping from the exposed half of his face as he swung his axe around and down, aiming to bisect the Devil when he couldn't force his hand free. The grip frighteningly strong and unbreakable despite the deceptively gentle and weirdly warm touch.

Just like his Eve's had been.

Lucifer's other hand shot up and stopped the axe cold, grabbing it by the blade no less without so much as suffering a papercut. Her slim and slightly toned arm not so much as twitching even when the impact of the axe striking her palm caused a shockwave that resulted in a miniature earthquake beneath them that almost threw everyone on the ground off-balance.

"Hold on, Ya coulda stopped him like that this entire time!? What the fuck was the point in dodging him then and putting us in the crossfire!?" Cherri Bomb rather astutely barked out in frustration after her near call with the stray. Understandably pissed.

The Australian Sinner's words went ignored by Lucifer though, who had her attentions focused purely on Adam. The First Man seething in her grip.

"Hubby, enough with that kind of language now! I know you love your cursing, but not in-front of the kids, alright? Even if they have been frustratingly naughty for the longest!"

All of the Sinners in the area balked in their own ways when Lucifer shot them all a look as the Angel said that.

The kind of look a disappointed mother would send her children when they misbehaved.

It spoke volumes that the Exorcists and Cannibals were now sending each other befuddled looks as if to ask the other, "Do you have any idea what the hell is going on right now?" only for the other party to be just as lost at the absurdity of what was going on.

Meanwhile, Adam's anger abated for a split-second in shock at just how terrifyingly accurate that was to how Eve used to scold their kids when they misbehaved.

Too accurate to be mere coincidence…

"Adam, I know it's been a while, too long really, but with that stupid treaty broken I think it's about time you and I caught back up again!" Lucifer said with as much positivity as the Angel could push out, as she turned her sights back to aforementioned man with a hopeful grin. "There's a bunch of things you need to know, and I'm happy to tell you it all. Wish I could've sooner hubby, really, I do, but I wasn't in a position where I could…"

She then leaned in close, their faces come little more than an inch apart, sky-blue eyes staring into gold with a shimmer, and gave him a saucy wink.

One that was so Eve in how it was done that Adam's body went under a confused crossing of signals. One part of him being instinctively turned on a little by the familiar and well-known gesture from a wife long-gone.

And the other part nearly cringing into Second Death on the spot with it being replicated by a transformed Lucifer of all people.

"I am now though~! And I think we can get to it with some alone time if you're feeling up to it~?" Lucifer's lips stretched into the kind of suggestive smile that not even the thickest moron in Creation could misplace, as she wiggled her eyebrows. "Just say the word, I'll end this little scuffle going on here right away, send everyone to their rooms, and you and I can get… reacquainted~!"

"Send us to our rooms…? Is this delusional jackass serious…?" Husk muttered to himself with a twitch of the eye.

"Vile and blasphemous…" Lute muttered with rage peeling through her initial astonishment at the Devil's audacity.

"You know… I think I might have to agree with you there, for a change…" Vaggie remarked in stupefaction beside the one-armed Exorcist, struggling to process what was going on up above and also the fact that she and Lute were actually on the same wavelength.

Something that hadn't been so since her banishment and Hellish exile.

Which was all the evidence Vaggie needed to know she'd entered into bizarro world, and she was sure Lute felt the same if the momentary look she shot her was anything to go by.

"Dad… What the fuck are you doing…?" Charlie, meanwhile, whispered to herself in dumbfounded astonishment and perturbation at how her father was acting. Seriously beginning to wonder in worry now if this was him having finally lost his marbles after years without her mom's company.

Adam all the while floated there, face twitching – borderline spasming even – at the Devil's antics.

Antics that were once again a cruel reminder of Eve, because those mannerisms… and that God-fucking-awful pickup line delivered with all confidence of someone that thought it was the shit – when in reality it was just shit – it was so…

So Eve that it physically hurt and made his head spin with the implications of how the Devil could know how she acted so damn well.

Unless…

"Weeeeeell? Don't keep me waiting, handsome." Lucifer told him before fully crossing the distance and pecking him on the nose, and this time Adam really did spasm at the contact. "Because I don't know about you, but I haven't gotten the loving I need in a long time… And I could use-"

"Shut up! Fucking shut up!" He bellowed in Lucifer's face, cutting the Angel and making her back away in surprise. "Quit speaking as if you're someone you're not! Haven't you done this stupid fucking bit enough and got your laughs in mocking me with Eve's face!?"

Lucifer's eyes narrowed. "Adam, this isn't a bit. I-"

"Enough with the lies!" Adam cut her off again. The masked side of his face glitching even worse now as it struggled to accurately portray the boiling fury on his face. "Pretending to be my Eve… the only woman I've ever actually loved… that's fucking low even for you, bitch! And considering you're already the most hated being in all of Creation, that says a fucking lot!"

As he exclaimed this, Adam was able to rip his axe and hand free from Lucifer's grasp when she stiffened at being called that by him.

"Bad enough you fucking backstabbed me by taking Lilith, but now you want to mess with my head by taking Eve's form, after you and Lilith fucked her over in the Garden with that stupid apple! If it weren't for you-"

Adam's voice cracked a little, much to his own shame at it happening before anyone, never mind his greatest enemy. An emotion peering through that he'd done his best to bury after so many years of separation from his second wife.

An emotion that actively made Lucifer flinch when the Angel sensed it off of him. Especially with how potent it was, despite the ever-so-small window of time it got before Adam clamped down on it and hid it back behind burning wrath.

Sorrow.

"If it weren't for you, we could've remained in the Garden and she'd have never left me after death! We'd still be together in Heaven and not separated all these years, with me not having a fucking clue where she is!"

"Adam…" Lucifer's utterance was hardly above a whisper now, shame flashing over her features.

But the First Man didn't pay attention to that detail. He saw red too much to do so in that moment and wonder why the Devil gained a look like that in such sincerity.

"Instead… She ended up here, didn't she? And you…" He growled with so much venom directed at Lucifer that the Fallen Angel flinched a second time. "You fucking did it again, didn't you? Lilith wasn't enough, you just fucking had to get your grimy hands on my Eve too, didn't you? Seduce her all the same with your fucking lies…!"

A hoarse laugh left Adam then, but with no humour in it. Just millennia-old pain and fury mixed into the worst-feeling cocktail of all time.

"Here was stupid old me… Dumbass Adam waiting in Heaven all those fucking years for a wife that was never going to come… Because she was off bitching it in Hell all this time, giving the asshole who ruined my life the low-down on everything about her to use against me… Probably fucked as well, didn't you!?"

"A-Adam, no wait!" Lucifer shook her head. "You're completely misunder-"

"Right, aren't I?" Adam cut the Fallen Seraph off yet again, seemingly made up his own mind on what was going on here. "Fucking piece of shit… Cucking me with Lilith wasn't enough, so you had to go and fucking cuck me twice with Eve!"

"A-Adam, seriously, you've got this all wro-"

"And now you take her form, just to fuck with me like this!?" Adam screamed, not paying any attention to what Lucifer was trying to tell him. "What next? Ohoh, Let me guess, that invitation of yours to get 'reacquainted'? You've got Eve – the real one – already waiting in your fucking bedroom, don't you!? Bet you both can't wait to tie me to the cuck chair and force me to watch you two traitorous fucks getting it on!"

The axe raised itself again, poised to strike. Every ounce of holy energy Adam could muster being pumped into it, causing it to glow a bright gold like a small star as he held it with both hands.

The light was so strong it forced everyone but Charlie and Lucifer to close their eyes lest they be rendered blind. And the former, who was stunned by the goings on to put things mildly, had to partially block the light with her hand and squint to see the silhouettes of her transformed parent and the First Man.

"Well, you know what!? I'm so fucking done with this shit! You wanna play sick games with me, fuckhead!? Well, here's one for ya! It's called Fuck Off to Double Hell!"

The axe came shredding down with its master's war-cry, practically burning through spacetime itself as it swung toward Lucifer's dome.

"DAD!?" Charlie cried out with worry, seeing such a powerful blow head straight for her dad and him – her? Oh, it didn't fucking matter! – and the Angel didn't look like they were going to do anything to stop it this time, despite it being significantly stronger than the last one.

And indeed, Lucifer didn't stop it. The blow landed hard and true this time, smashing the Devil dead-on atop the dome with a deafening BOOM of a shockwave that was felt throughout the Pride Ring.

The whole landscape shook as a consequence. And all Sinners and Angels alike on the ground genuinely fell over on their fronts, sides or asses as an aftereffect of the attack.

"S-Sir!" Lute yelled out over the screeching winds in concern. Her eyes widened at the sheer amount of power her commander had generated.

Power that she'd never seen him come close to displaying in all the time she'd known him.

"Hehehehehahahahaha! Baaaaaaad booooooy~!" Niffty moaned again over the roar of the wind as she got blown away full on. The gremlin still cackling crazily and totally unbothered by the experience – if anything finding it fun in her own disturbed way – as she was sent flying a mile in an out-of-control bodily rotation.

Even Charlie was thrown off her feet and sent crashing unto her back, eyes shutting with a wince as she dug her fingers the stone roof and held on so as to not be blown away like the one-eyed maid.

All of this from the hardest blow Adam could throw.

The hardest blow he'd ever thrown in both his lives by a mile.

When the light like a mini-sun finally died down, a heavily panting Adam was revealed.

He was hunched over with beads of sweat strolling down the exposed side of his face from how much he'd exerted himself with that one attack, effectively gassing himself out just to perform it.

In his trembling hands… was the remains of his prized guitar-axe.

The top half had broken off altogether, sent flying down and clattering to Hell's soil near the Sinners and Exorcists right as everyone was able to open their eyes again in astonishment. Shards of the weapon blown away in the explosive winds as the top chunk was left with only remnants of its once sharp axe-head.

And right before Adam, still floating there much to his disbelief, was Lucifer in the form of Eve.

The only evidence his attack had even landed was the shredded circus hat Lucifer had been wearing that was now no more on her head, leaving the long locks of gold to flow even more freely.

Other than that, the Fallen Angel was completely unharmed by the blow. A sight that left everyone watching – Charlie included – utterly stunned.

"Haaaah… Haaaah… Fucking serious…? Not even a scratch…!?" The First Man breathed. The masked side of his face having returned to its usual golden lights as he stared down the unharmed Devil. Much of his anger burnt out with that very strike. "That's… so bullshit…"

He passed a glance to his ruined weapon then. Fleeting, pissed and disheartened simultaneously.

He'd just tuned that beautiful bastard to perfection before coming here, too. Ready to rock out with his band to a number after he made it back to Heaven.

Definitely wasn't doing that now with it broken in his hands.

His prized instrument, modelled off of that lyre Eve had made for him on his hundredth birthday just before she gave birth to their tenth kid. The one he'd lost after dying, never able to recover despite how much it'd meant to him.

That beautiful memory – and all the ones that came after with their duets, him playing while she sang – felt so tainted now, knowing she'd cheated on him the same as Lilith had.

And all with the very same fucker taking her form right now just to mess with him.

He was aware that some might call him a hypocrite if they could hear such thoughts, as plenty in Heaven knew he'd started sleeping around himself.

But that had only been recently, as in the last thousand years recently.

Right around the time that even his own legendary stubbornness had given way, and any shred of hope he'd clung to of ever seeing Eve again was fully extinguished after millennia of holding to it.

All felt so damn pointless and stupid of him now, knowing what he did…

"Adam…" Once again, his name left the pretender's lips. The voice, the worry that seeped through it and all over that face as he looked back up at it…

Hah. He'd have to hand it to this prick. He had some serious A acting skills with whatever Eve taught him. Because everything about that expression and tone, the look in those big blue eyes, to even the knot that'd formed over the throat…

It was all just so Eve.

Couldn't have replicated her better.

If he hadn't known who this really was off-rip and Lucifer had just shown up in this guise – even with the stupid-ass circus getup – he may well have bought it. Been convinced that this was his long-lost wife.

"Fuck…" Adam let out a tired sigh, letting the useless remains of his weapon fall out of his hands to the ground. "You know what? Just end this already… I've been fucking humiliated enough for one da-"

Before he could finish, something was pushed up into his view.

He blinked at first, before his eyes widened when he recognized what it was.

"Consider it an apology for the guitar. I've uhh… had it with me since you passed. Always made sure to keep it in perfect condition as a memento, but it belongs with you, Adam." Lucifer said softly, as the Fallen Angel offered him a primitive-looking, but sublimely maintained lyre.

One made of an ancient, smooth wood that came from a long-extinct tree.

The very same one his Eve had carved and made by hand for him from scratch.

It was instinctive as much as it was possessive the way his hands instantly nabbed it from the Devil, clutching it close and feeling it with his own fingers to make sure it was real.

Same homely feel to it. Same aura of gentleness to it he could never explain nor replicate no matter how much he'd tried to with the guitar-axe.

Turning it over, the tiny sound hole was peeped into and sure enough, there it was. The most damning proof staring him in the face beyond its humble strings.

His and Eve's old, chickenshit handwriting that looked like the result of a drunk trying to draw in the sand with broken noodle-sticks etched into it. Both of their names signed into the wood with that silly-ass, yet endearing heart she'd chosen to draw around them.

This was no forgery. He could just tell this was the real thing.

"And before you say anything, no. Nobody handed it to me and I didn't steal it either. You gave it to me on your deathbed to remember you by. Told me to hold unto it for you, for as long as I lived. And I kept to that. Never forgetting, even after you and I were separated."

Adam's gaze shot back and forth between the Fallen Angel and the lyre like a bullet, before he vehemently shook his head. "No, I didn't! I gave it to Eve, not-"

"I am Eve!" Lucifer proclaimed, cutting him and silencing him as she grabbed him by the collar and pulled him close again, their noses touching this time. "Always have been!"

"Ohhh, now you're really pulling my damn leg! Ain't no fucking way that's true!" Adam instantly denied with vigorous heat, refusing to buy what he firmly believed had to be nonsense. "That's gotta be the worst lie you've ever told! Like, that literally doesn't even make fucking sense! You were sent to this shithole right after the apple incident with Lilith, so how in here do you expect me to buy that you could've possibly been Eve!?"

Lucifer's reply to that was… perhaps the most out of pocket shit given the circumstances.

The Angel reached down grabbed Adam's hands by the wrists faster than light itself and yanked them up.

SQUISH!

"Damn… Now that's forward…" Angel Dust muttered in surprise, impressed a little by the boldness of what Lucifer did, while everyone else – Charlie included – just watched on either gaping or with disbelieving eyes.

Adam was also gaping, totally taken off-guard and stupefied as his hands were rather firmly pressed into Lucifer's pair of sizeable breasts.

"Bwuh!?" It was subconscious and shouldn't have been done, but Adam's fingers quickly curled and squeezed at the offered knockers before he could control himself.

The circus getup did nothing to obfuscate how soft and pliable they were, easily giving way to his handling. Yet they also remained firm and bouncy enough that he could feel every jiggle in his palms and through his fingers as they and the fabric concealing them seeped through the gaps.

Instantly it was like Adam felt electricity shoot through his mitts and all the way to his spine, sending a shiver travelling throughout his body.

"How's this!" Lucifer exclaimed with remarkable confidence and utter lack of shame at what she'd made Adam do. "I know you remember these two puppies! Even if that head of yours upstairs wants to deny it, I know these hands of yours will recognize them! You couldn't go a single night without fondling them, after all!"

"D-D-Daaaaaaad!" Charlie screamed out, cheeks flushing red in embarrassment from her place sat on the roof. Utterly mortified. "W-What do you think you're doing!?"

It was official. Her dad genuinely had lost his mind!

"What I'm doing is convincing your future step-father of my identity, Char-Char!" Lucifer called back to the princess of Hell while turning and sending her a dead-serious look.

"M-M-My what!?" Charlie shrieked. Her eyes bugging out so much at her father's ludicrous response that it was a miracle neither popped out of their sockets altogether.

"Her what!?" Both Lute and Vaggie shrieked as well, for different and equally valid reasons.

"Your step-father, Charlie! Gosh, it's like you've gone deaf today!" Lucifer rolled her eyes, but gained a fond smile as she turned her attention back to Adam. "Kids, am I right? Never really listening."

Adam felt like cold water had been dunked on him as Lucifer knocked him from his stupor. The First Man yanking his hands away from the pair of knockers with haste – something he didn't think he'd ever do with a nice rack – and backed off.

His hands trembled as he watched the duo puff back and jiggle into their usual shape, before he brought his mitts up and stared down at them in shock.

"W-What the fuck…" He whispered, not believing his own senses at this point.

That shock that'd gone through him…

No woman he'd been with in the last thousand years he'd started sleeping around had ever evoked that feeling. Not even the ones who managed to hold a pair that, physically speaking, were just as endowed as his second wife in all the same areas.

The kind that simple replication of form wouldn't allow to be generated.

It was a sensation that went beyond simple touch, that he couldn't articulate into words – not that he was all that great at such anyway.

It was an incredibly raw and intimate feeling that'd only struck him when he held the breasts of one woman in particular.

Suddenly there was a body pressed up against his then.

An all too familiar head of silky-smooth gold like a fine curtain brushed up by his chin, giving off the rustic scent of the Primeval Earth's pasture breeze mixed with a light touch of lavender.

A back touched his chest and curled into him seamlessly, while a plump ass that couldn't be ignored pushed into his pelvis.

And gave it the gentlest twerk that had his soul ready to jolt out of him.

Their clothes were still on, but it was as if they were naked from how his body took it.

"Heh. Of course that would be what got through to you. Knew it would work~!" Lucifer chirped, all while guiding one of Adam's hands to her hip and affectionately clasping the back of it, while the other came up and gently touched his exposed cheek.

The intimacy that was so strikingly familiar had Adam's brain short-circuiting a little as he glared down with wide eyes and unhinged jaw at the Fallen Angel.

Lucifer just beamed up at him with a hint of smugness. Pale cheeks tinted red in a way his failing mind recalled seeing countless times on his wife's face.

"It really is me, Adam. Lucifer and Eve? They're one and the same." She said to him with a glow to her eyes, as if what she'd just said wasn't supposed to be a revelation that, if true, would be the single biggest mind-fuck ever dished out in human history. "Hehe! I guess if you want, you can just call me Evefer from now on!"

The sheer amount of cringe in that one line alone would've been enough to make Adam squirm his way back into his original grave if he were in his usual state of mind.

But he wasn't.

No, instead he'd been slapped into an almost trance-like state as he looked down at the Fallen Seraph.

His heart was thumping like crazy in his chest, and not in the way it did when he felt he was in serious danger.

It was the way it used to do whenever his wife was cuddling herself up next to him in bed. Or like now, with her being so cozily pressed against and holding him like this, willing shoving herself into the little spoon position beneath his weight…

Something started in him and partially brought him back at that line of thought.

He'd just… no. Oh, no, no, no! Couldn't be!

God no, this could not be happening!

His body… and even his soul too…

They recognized the touch, the feel, the…

The bond only Eve had made him feel in this kind of position.

B-But that was… that should be impossible!

This was… This was Lucifer taking Eve's form! An imposter!

And yet while his mind screamed for that to be the case, his body and soul rejected it. The two together agnizing all the sensations the transformed Angel's closeness brought him that no mere shape-shift, no matter how accurate it was, would be capable of copying over.

S-Surely not…

It couldn't be that his own greatest enemy, the once-friend who'd betrayed him and took his first wife was also his own second wife at the same time. The one made to complete him after Lilith absconded.

The timeline as he knew it just didn't match up! It wasn't possible with what he knew!

…But what if what he thought he knew wasn't actually the truth?

If he considered that, and allowed some leeway then…

Adam froze as his brain started running through every memory of Eve. Certain behavioural quirks he'd previously dismissed and never thought about coming to the fore.

The general awkwardness when it came to communicating with others, no matter the mood she was in. Which was especially bad with their kids at times, as Abel's chubby ass had attested the most.

The inventiveness and creativity she'd put on display when making contraptions to help out with multiple tasks, which simple knowledge of Good and Evil was hardly going to grant.

The way she moved around with grace he couldn't match one moment and then like a bumbling fool even worse than him the next.

How she just seemed to know certain shit that she realistically shouldn't have. Like when she'd somehow known what poison ivy was when they encountered it for the first time in the wilds of Primeval Earth and stopped him from wiping his ass with it. Something she hadn't been able to do with their fifth son David, which allowed Adam to see the consequences of that for himself without living with that particular pain.

If people thought the modern version was bad, they hadn't seen shit. The rash it gave these days was nothing compared to the horrors it inflicted back then. David's scrawny ass barely survived that torture with his sanity intact, and only because Eve had been able to somewhat nurse him back to health. Without her, he'd have probably been a goner long before his time.

Then there was her distaste for having ideas shot down without even consideration, even the outlandish ones like Seth's idea at six-years-old to make wings out of bird feathers and dragon spit so he could fly through the sky. Saying that doing so only discouraged creativity and potential genius, and that it was best to let them imagine and try for themselves instead of stifling because they were afraid it was too dangerous.

And then… there was that.

Something even he'd noted at the time as being a reminder of Lucifer, but obviously hadn't put two and two together on the connection and just shrugged off as a coincidence.

The fucking duck farm.

Heaven's above, she'd been obsessed with it! Cultivated it almost entirely by herself until they had about ten thousand of those fuckers just waddling around in their makeshift backyard. And would've had ten times more than that too, if she'd gotten her way with that expansion idea

He still remembered the one time Azura had suggested using them for food as well, like the other animals they caught.

Eve had almost had a heart attack there and then, before reprimanding the then ten-year-old for her cruelty, claiming that ducks were the most beautiful creatures ever next to human beings. Gave them all an earful about how ducks were not for eating but instead for making friends.

She hadn't even budged on that when winter came and their stock got raided by wild beasts, leaving them in a starving position with all that damn poultry just sitting around on standby. She'd just thrown him his spear, picked up her own, and said it was time for a beast hunt!

In the middle of a fucking snow-storm!

How they even managed to find their way back to the house the same day, never mind come back with all the beasts they did, still eluded him!

All of that, every detail added up. And suddenly he couldn't not see it. The image of Lucifer overlaying with Eve not just in-front of him now, but even in his own memories with all the similarities.

All the oddities and idiosyncrasies he could recall of Eve, all of them could be applied to Lucifer too, from what he recalled of him in the Garden.

They were always there. In plain sight.

He'd been blind to it before, unable to see it most of the time and even when he did notice a similarity between them, he'd always dismissed it as coincidence and nothing more.

But now it stared him right in the face.

All this time… Somehow, someway…

His precious wife Eve was…

Eve was Lucifer.

Lucifer was Eve.

They were one and the same.

His once-pal and now greatest enemy…

Had been his loving wife as well, this whole time…

He… She…

"Hmm? Adam, sweety? Are you alright?" The Fallen Angel asked with a note of concern at his frozen, slack-jawed expression.

The words never reached the First Man though.

Nothing did.

Because in that moment, Adam's brain finally malfunctioned like a computer that had coffee spilled all over its motherboard.

And with a single glaze-over of his eyes that came next, the inevitable happened.

The First Man bluescreened.

Chapter Text

This had gotten out of hand fast.

Never in her wildest dreams did Charlie think she'd be in this situation.

Like, okay. The princess of Hell knew she wasn't the brightest out there, alright?

She didn't have the intelligence of her mother, a fraction of her wit, nor her calm and cool charm always displayed, and which she wished she could emulate.

More than that, she'd never been the best at reading people and their intentions or character, something her mother had also been superb at after many years of being Queen of Hell.

Her mom could tell a liar from a truth-teller in an instant. She knew who to trust and who not to trust just from a look and few words shared with a person more often than not. She could see oddities and red flags in someone's behaviour from a mile away.

Charlie had no such thing going for her. At least not yet.

What she did have, and what she'd always believed she had in common with the mom she looked up to, was sympathy.

Sympathy for the downtrodden.

For the oppressed.

For those given an unfair lot in life.

For those punished for a simple mistake, usually for trying to help another party.

For the Sinners that'd ended up in Hell and get slaughtered yearly like cattle by the Exterminators.

This sympathy, for better or worse depending on who you asked, was what allowed her to be so understanding of those around her. To want to give them a chance even when no one else would. To not give up on them even when they were ready to give up on themselves, or already had given up.

People could call her naïve for that, and in a sense they were right. Because more than once in her life, her kindness born of sympathy had been taken advantage of and she'd ended up hurt by those she'd outstretched a hand toward.

Did this stop her from being who she was? Did it make her jaded?

No. She was smart enough to understand things like that would happen from time to time, especially in Hell.

Due to this, if anyone had ever asked her up until today if her sympathy had a limit, given recent circumstances she would've said that there was.

Of course there was a limit. There was only so much awfulness that even she could stomach until she just gave up on whoever she was interacting with.

She'd only ever hit this point with three people in her life though, because that's how far out her line was. How much she was willing to take before no amount of understanding could stop her from mentally going 'I don't want to be associated with you again under any circumstances if I can help it'.

Mammon was the first, with just his general vibe always tickling her the wrong way. And his actions when she chose to ignore this initially only made it worse, especially when his greed had caused numerous problems for her friends when growing up. The few she'd actually managed to get given who she was and where she lived in.

Friends she no longer had because of certain incidents he was involved in relating to cheap theme park rides gone awry during certain birthdays of hers, and that was all she was willing to recall on that. The memories too painful otherwise.

Her ex-boyfriend Seviathan was the second for how much of a jackass he'd ended up being during their relationship, repeatedly and unrepentantly treating her like garbage until she'd finally cracked and broken up with him.

The third…

Well, until now, the third person to ever earn this status was none other than the First Man himself.

She'd grown up with stories about him from her mother, the few times he'd come up. Never in a positive light, always talking of how obnoxious and crude he could be, as well as his arrogance and need for control. The latter of which had been the nail in the coffin that'd ultimately drove her away from him.

Charlie had absorbed all this as a child and growing adult, and admittedly she had indeed built an image of him in her head long before meeting him of the type of character he was. The type of man that any self-respecting woman like her mother would be glad to be rid of.

And then she'd actually met him, and everything her mother had ever said about him seemed to be confirmed. Every trait she'd spoken of was present. Every piece of information she'd ever gotten reinforced by reality, as far as she saw it. And though she'd tried to be civil, there was no denying her opinion of him had been very low by the time he'd done his little guitar solo and thrust her out of the room with the message that Exterminations were now becoming a bi-yearly occurrence. His cruelty on full display.

At the time, and even more so after their second encounter in Heaven, she'd honestly been left thinking to herself what his second wife Eve had been forced to put with many moons ago.

Her mother had off-handedly mentioned once that Adam wasn't just the First Man, but also the Father of all Mankind through his second wife, Eve. The one her mom and dad had tried to help through the Apple, as the Story of Hell recounted.

She'd tried to envision it, just how awful of a life Eve must've led with someone like Adam as a husband. How someone with the traits her mother spoke of and which she'd seen first-hand would've treated that poor woman outside of Eden when they were given the boot from the Garden.

Her full sympathies had gone to the woman, as with what Charlie thought she knew, it had to have been poor at the very least. That she must've been a saint and that Adam genuinely didn't deserve her.

Now, however…

She was left wondering how much she thought she knew was actually real, as she sat up on the rooftop and stared with shock up at what she and everyone else here was witnessing.

As she watched this whole scenario play out where her own father claimed he was Eve this entire time… it was like a metaphorical rollercoaster.

Obviously at first, even if it didn't make sense with the character of her father she knew, even she'd thought he was just messing with Adam by taking on this new, female form almost a clone of her mother.

Then her dad kept doubling down though, again and again. Even in the face of Adam's clear and pained grief – something that tugged at her heartstrings as regardless of what she thought of him it was clear how much he genuinely loved his second wife – her dad didn't let up. He kept going on well past the point where it could simply be argued as a cruel joke, and his expressions and tone throughout didn't tell the story of someone who was lying.

No matter how absurd it sounded, it became increasingly obvious he was actually serious and not just messing with Adam, especially after her dad withstood Adam's strongest move with no damage and…

Literally everything that happened after. From the lyre – which she recalled seeing many times in his workshop within that special case, but never bothered to ask about – to the embarrassing, forced breast-groping, to declaring Adam would be her future step-father before just pressing up against him like a lover would…

It was too much by that point.

Way too much.

This was really happening. Her father wasn't doing a bit, he – she now, sorry! – meant every word she'd said since showing up.

This wasn't a weird as fuck fever-dream – Charlie had already pinched herself from her seated position to check – this was real.

Her dad was a woman – the Second Woman ever, apparently – and she loved Adam. Had spent almost a millennium as his wife!

Her memories rushed past her as she sat alone on the roof of one of Pride's buildings. And it dawned on her that her father had been present on about half the occasions her mother had ended up speaking negatively of her experience with Adam.

Not once had he backed her up. He'd always remained silent. Something Charlie had always just assumed was because he didn't know Adam all that much himself and was just letting Lilith air out her piece.

But what if the real reason he'd remained as such, besides respecting her mom's right to speak her mind as he'd always done, was because he didn't agree with her? Because he had a different perspective having also been Adam's wife – and for much longer too – but simply didn't want to end up in an argument with her over it?

Suddenly everything she thought she knew began crumbling apart in her mind, much like it was probably doing for Adam right now.

Charlie barely kept her mind from flat-lining temporarily at the insanity of all this.

Adam on the other hand, who now had her fullest sympathies – prior interactions and her mom's word be damned at the moment – wasn't so fortunate.

The two-century-old princess could only watch with a slack jaw and stupefied eyes as he looked like his brain fried in real-time before tilting back and unceremoniously dropping out of the air. With all the grace of a sack of potatoes.

"Oh no, Adam!"

Meanwhile, worry shot through the Fallen Angel as she saw the First Man suddenly lose consciousness and begin to plummet out of the sky.

Instinct kicked in and Lucifer – or as the now female Fallen Angel had called herself, 'Evefer' – darted in at the speed of light to get beneath Adam before he could roughly plough into the earth of Hell. Her strength showing itself as she effortlessly caught his large frame in her arms, cradling him almost in a princess-carry as she floated down to the ground and settled him there in her grasp.

"Don't worry, hubby! I'm here!" She said to the unconscious man as she looked him over.

The first thing she noticed was the LED lights of his broken mask were glitching out like a damaged TV screen, while his exposed face had its eye twitching and rolled back.

She was fussing over him in an instant from there at what may be wrong with him, ignoring everything else around her. Her eyes glowing an eery reddish-white as she checked him for any sorts of injuries that may have caused the sudden lapse in consciousness like this.

She only found the stab wound Charlie had given him earlier with her trident and some minor bruising to the exposed part of his face where she'd struck him moments ago.

"Did Char-Char strike him deeper than I thought? No, it doesn't look like it. Hubby's definitely braved much worse without falling unconscious like this, and it couldn't have been my punch either. I made sure it was soft enough to only smack him away, not cause any serious injury…"

As the Fallen Angel muttered this to herself, she placed a hand over his chest where white light surged forth with just a tinge of demonic energy to taint it.

"Adam! No!" Lute barked out in panic seeing this, blasting off from the ground too fast for Vaggie to react – not that she would've anyway in this instance – and flying up to her commander and the Devil at her top speed. The Angel wanting nothing more than to get her commander away from Lucifer before the Devil did whatever they were about to do.

Hearing her, Lucifer passed the Exterminators' lieutenant a glance as she came barrelling forth, snarling at the Fallen Angel.

"Enough of this bullshit! Get away from him you fucking crazy bitch!" She screamed, ready to punch the Fallen Angel's head off.

Her fist only met a solid surface, barely causing vibrations to travel through it.

Her eyes widened in surprise at this, especially as the surface glowed red and sent out a repulsive force. One that sent Lute sailing back a good ten metres away, and would've sent her even more had her heels not dug into the ground instinctively to halt her momentum.

"The fuck!?" She cried out as she came to a stop, eyes on where her fist had been stopped and saw a sizeable dome of translucent white that'd been erected around Lucifer and Adam. Just the barest flickers of red on it to signify that the construct was indeed what'd sent her back.

"First of all, rude. Second of all, if you don't mind, I'm trying to help my husband whatever-your-name-is! So, I'd appreciate it if you let me do that instead of trying to get in my way. Understood?" Lucifer – or Evefer – said as she pointed at the Exterminator with her glowing hand while giving her a disapproving look.

The kind you'd expect to see on a disappointed mother scolding their child for bad behaviour.

Catching on to this, Lute's eye twitched with venom as she swiftly snarled at the Devil. "You're not my mom you delusional cunt! You're not even a woman! Just some crazy fuck pretending to be Adam's long-lost wife for some sort of sick game!"

"Excuse you!? I'm not pretending to be anything!" Lucifer reared up with full offence taken. "And how dare you! Again! I'm-"

"A liar and a deceiver! Demonic filth spouting whatever bullshit you can to get in Adam's head and hurt him!" Lute cut her off with a shriek that was honestly justified given the batshit insanity of this entire situation, before she spared a glare at one of her fellow Exterminators.

Understanding flickered on the masked face of the otherwise baffled Angel as she tossed the one-armed Angel her Angelic Steel blade.

The several cannibals around her didn't try to stop her or even take advantage of her disarming herself, too caught up in the ludicrousness of this situation to care about their original reason for being here at the moment.

They just watched like everyone else as Lute caught the weapon's handle with ease and then charged forth, intent on piercing through the barrier the ruler of Hell had created.

"Uhh, I wouldn't try that if I were you!" The Fallen Angel called out in what sounded like concern, almost frantically and comedically waving her hand at the enraged, charging Exorcist. "You're only going to end up hurting yourself!"

"Shut up, bitch! I'm breaking this stupid fucking barrier down and getting Adam away from your disgusting, demonic, defiling hands!" Lute screamed out, ignoring the Devil's words as she crossed the distance, raised her sword…

And struck the barrier. Repeatedly. Viciously.

Every ounce of her strength pushed into every blow.

It didn't budge. It didn't crack. Didn't so much as show the slightest bit of strain at her attacks.

What it did do, was build up the energy from each strike Lute delivered. And after about the seventh heavy blow where Lute threw her whole body-weight into it, the barrier lit up a deep, crimson red.

"Agggghhhhhhhhh!?"

And the next instant, Lute felt the repulsive force on her body again.

Only it was far worse this time, as she was sent rocketing back with way more power. Her attempt to dig her heels into the ground again failing and only resulting in them breaking off her combat boots and being left behind in the trenches created as she flew off.

Panicking, the Angel instinctually tried to right herself and stop with her wings flaring out, but at such high velocity that did her no good.

In fact, it only made things worse for her as she smashed through multiple walls of buildings in various poses, each as painful as the last, before her curling body bounced and skipped across the ground uncontrollably. Craters being left in her wake as her body got more and more battered with each bodily smash into the pavement.

Everyone, from her fellow Exterminators watching, to the cannibals and the Hazbins, to even Vaggie herself and Charlie up above, all of them flinched and cringed with each bounce she made off the cratering ground. Each one sounding like a gunshot going off in their ears.

Lute finally came to a stop about half a mile out, next to an alleyway where multiple chimp-like Sinners that'd been hiding popped their heads out in surprise at what they saw.

The upper half of the Angel buried in the ruined asphalt with her wings limp and spasming on either side of her, while her lower half was left awkwardly jutting up and twitching.

"Is that…?" One started with widening eyes.

"One of those Angel bitches…?" Another continued, his mouth watering.

The last among them quickly looked back and forth to see if anyone was close-by enough to cause issue, and seeing none in his mind, he grinned perversely as he moved forth. His buddies following him.

"Get her out quick and take her, before anyone sees us!" He urged, already looking up her battle-skirt like the degenerate he was while grabbing her legs, nodding as he somehow confirmed to himself that she was definitely out cold. "Once-in-a-lifetime opportunity here, boys!"

"Angel toy!" The other two practically sang like they were being given a prized object, grinning just as perversely now as their colleague was, as each got on either side and grabbed a wing and exposed arm. All three of them intent on pulling her out and dragging her back into the alley they came from where a manhole was present to drop down into their hideaway to have their way with her.

The would-be rapists were startled however when as soon as they pulled her clearly unconscious body free though, a golden and swirly portal whirred to life and swallowed her up before vanishing, saving her from such a fate.

"What the Hell!?" The trio barked in shock and fell on their asses, but that wasn't the end of it.

Several CLANGs then echoed as the Sinners were suddenly trapped inside garishly yellow, metal-looking containers to their noises of astonishment. Each container – for some utterly baffling reason – shaped in the appearance of a duck. The word "Timeout" emblazoned with an exclamation on the front of each in almost comically large, red letters with what looked like a timer at the centre for those that squinted from a distance.

And then they too were promptly swallowed up themselves by portals appearing from thin air as their loud cries and bangs of frustration were barely allowed time to echo back.

Both sides of what had once been the Hotel Battle turned their sights back to the Devil. The sound of a noise reminiscent of fingers clicking together having reached their ears three times, and sure enough, the Fallen Angel's fingers were posed like one that'd just made that motion. Sparks of golden magic flying from where her finger and thumb had met.

The ruler of Hell had a wincing expression on as she let her barrier drop.

"Well… I tried to warn her, I guess… Even if she was a total bitch just now." She muttered, more to herself than anyone else – though everyone certainly heard her – as she turned her attentions back to Adam's twitchy form.

"Sorry about, uhm… whatever what's-her-name was to you? Lot? Luke? No wait, those are boys' names! Agh! Look, I'm sorry! I'm not one for military lingo or anything like that, so I've no clue what rank she was either." Lucifer – or Evefer – rambled a bit while shaking her glowing hand by Adam's face in a nervously placating manner, as if the guy was awake to witness any of that or understand her words.

If he was, everyone there was pretty certain he would've blasted the Sinners to pieces with holy light instead of placing them into a duck-themed prison like the transformed Fallen Angel had just done. That was for sure, at least.

"That doesn't matter though!" She continued with a nod of confidence. "I made sure she was sent back to Heaven before anything bad happened, so no need to worry about her! They'll take care of her, I'm sure, while those hooligans that are unfortunately our kids have been punished for what they were about to do with her! They won't be leaving 'Timeout' for a long time, hubby. Hopefully they'll learn something from it by the time they come out."

"Yeah. Sure, they will. They'll know to try and be even more discrete next time, if there is one." Husk muttered under his breath, not even entertaining the idea that they'd gain anything positive from lengthy imprisonment. And pretty much every other Sinner there, as well as Exterminator, was of the same mindset.

"Now then, back to helping you." She said, everything else completely out of her mind as she placed her glowing hand on Adam's chest.

Holy energy fully tinged with the demonic then pulsed through Adam's twitching body, failing to jolt him awake as she would've liked, but it did succeed in steadily healing him of the stab wound given by Charlie, and the minor bruising her punch had given him.

Before the stunned onlookers, Adam was fully healed in seconds. Even his cassock was cleaned and fixed up, showing no signs that he'd ever even been struck.

The only evidence of damage was his half-broken mask, which Evefer didn't hesitate to gently remove from his head. His full face now exposed to her for the first time in what felt like forever, as she cupped one of his cheeks.

"Wait, that's what he fully looks like? For real?" Angel couldn't help but blink, taking in his true appearance with a raised eyebrow. "First Man's kinda… plain looking?"

"My husband's face is not plain looking, thank you very much!" Evefer snapped, startling Angel with the sudden glare she sent his way. "Have some respect for your forebears, my little spider!"

"Little… spider…?" Angel Dust's jaw dropped as he stared, baffled at such an address and the maternal disappointment attached to it that had him all sorts of confused for many valid reasons. "Huh?"

"Don't bother questioning it, Angie. This guy's lost his fuckin marbles." Cherri Bomb, remarked with a glance in his direction as she got to a knee.

"The only thing I've lost young lady, is my patience for all your rudeness!" Evefer shot back with annoyance while point at her. "Those unruly boys weren't the only ones that need a timeout, it seems. Off to your room!"

"Off to my what?" Cherri scoffed in disbelief. "Are you actually fuckin-"

A click of Evefer's fingers was followed by another portal opening up too fast for the cyclopean Aussie Sinner to react, and she was promptly swallowed up and sent to another location before she could even finish her sentence.

A distant and alarmed cry of "Oh, holy shit!" was all anyone heard then, coming from what sounded Cherri a good mile off, before she abruptly cut off and was fully out of the picture.

Everyone just gaped at the spot she'd been in and in the direction they perceived hearing her disappear to. The very sudden exit she'd been given leaving many even more stupefied than they already were. An achievement in itself given how much of a mind-fuck everyone had been enduring so far since Lucifer – now Evefer – had shown up and started her antics.

"Now then, I think it's time this little episode drew to a close." Evefer raised her voice, an authoritative tinge to it as she swept her eyes over those gathered while caressing Adam's cheek, focusing on the Sinners first. "That's enough messing for one day. All of you? I want you to return to your rooms as well. I don't have the energy to deal with you right now, and your father certainly doesn't either, as you can see, so be good for once and go to bed for me. Without me having to force you all!"

The Cannibals and remaining Hazbins could only stay where they were, staring at the Fallen Angel with uncomprehending eyes and slackened jaws at the blatantly parental-sounding command.

One that yet again treated them all like they were nothing more than misbehaving children in need of freaking bedtime of all things, instead of the messed-up adults that they were.

"Isn't it like, barely past the afternoon though?" One lone Cannibal voiced in his own confusion, as if that was also a problem even worth considering in this situation.

His dumbass was promptly ignored by all as Evefer turned her attention to the Exterminators.

"As for you all? You girls can just head back to Heaven. Fight's over." The blonde told them with a dismissive wave of the hand. "You have your own portal above-head, so you don't need any of mine to get back home safely."

"Hah?" One lone Exorcist within the crowd randomly voiced. Her dumbfounded response devoid of an actual word echoing the mental sentiments of every other Angel present.

Evefer didn't care for their initial response though, as she was already looking down with full attention and devotion to the person she cared about the most at the minute.

"And when you all get back? Be sure to let Sera know Adam's with me. She'll trust me to take care of my husband from here."

"She'll what now?" Vaggie, along with numerous of her former sisters-in-arms all questioned in baffled unison.

"Oh! And Char-Char?" Evefer called up to her daughter, sparing her a look and a sincere smile. "When your new dad decides to wake up, don't worry. I'll work things out with him for you! He may be a little rough around the edges, but I promise you'll see the good in him soon!"

"W-Wait! Dad, hold on!" Charlie finally found her voice as her father-turned-woman's claim of Adam being her 'new dad' jolted her from her stupor. Her hands gripping the edges of the rooftop she was on as she frantically called out back down to her parent. "This is-"

It was too late though. A portal formed beneath the duo of Evefer and Adam, resulting in them both quickly dropping inside and being gulped up as the construct closed just as fast as it appeared.

"…Insane…" The princess let the last word tumble from her stunned lips, unable to do anything other than gape at where her father and Adam had just been like a fish out of water.

The rest of those assembled, regardless of their affiliation, were much the same. An awkward silence pervading over all after what'd just transpired.

One that stretched on long enough for a tumbleweed of all things to roll by in the hellish wind, almost mockingly so at the distilled brain damage that'd just been dished out to all.

Chapter Text

"Ughhhhh…."

With a pained groan, Lute's eyes peeled open groggily.

Her body ached everywhere. Her muscles moaning and her bones creaking as she tried and failed to move herself.

Even through blurred vision, the Angel could tell from the whiteness of the ceiling that assailed her eyes and the purity of the air passing into her lungs that she was in Heaven right away.

On a comfy bed as well. The kind that was too soft, welcoming and relaxing to be made anywhere else but in Paradise.

When her vision cleared a moment later, Lute was able to move her head just enough to look down and get a look at herself and her surroundings.

For the latter, she appeared to be in an infirmary with pristine white and gold walls and an ornate ceiling. A place she recognized well that Adam himself had to make after one too many training exercises with her and her fellow Exorcists on their private grounds got a little too brutal. A convenient place nearby to heal and recuperate in.

Seeing herself, the Angel instantly copped on to why she was here of all places. Just in case the pain alone hadn't been enough to tip her off.

Every single part of her body was bandaged up, almost like an Egyptian mummy. A clear indication she'd been roughed up pretty badly.

"What the… fuck?" Confusion hit her first at the sight of herself. "How did I end up in the infirmary? What's with all these bandages? And why does everything hurt so damn much!?"

In response to her own question, Lute immediately wracked her mind and tried to recall what'd happened to put her in such a state and be placed here.

Nothing came up right away. Her mind blanking on her as she tried to force it, which only frustrated and baffled her more.

As if on cue however, the door to the room she was in opened up.

And in walked the High Seraphim herself, one hand holding the other down by her waist as she walked in with her usual dress.

Sera's expression was…

Lute didn't even know how to describe it other than complicated.

"Ah. I see you're awake, Lieutenant. That's fortunate timing, I suppose." The Seraphim said to her first, her tone remaining calm while having a weird undertone to it.

One that Lute instinctively found herself disliking before anything else was said.

"Lady Seraphim…" The lower-ranking Angel didn't forget what little manners she had, and bowed her head as much as she could in respect, before eying Sera warily. "What happened? Why am I in the Exorcists' infirmary like this?"

"You mean you don't remember?" Sera seemed genuinely surprised at this fact, but only for a second before something dawned on her and made her shake her head as she came up to the end of Lute's bed. "Actually, no wait. I guess that would make sense given the report your fellow Exorcists gave to me yesterday about the whole affair."

"Affair? What affair!?" Lute pressed, a bit of worry seeping into her tone as she perhaps raised her voice more than necessary. "Did I end up in a training accident or something?"

It would hardly be the first time such had happened in her memory. Just the first time it would've happened to her.

Sera's expression pinched for a moment, and it almost seemed as if there was something she didn't want to say, but ultimately, she just sighed and made up her mind quickly that it had to be done.

"No. A training accident didn't put you in this state, Lute. Your additional Extermination Day from yesterday is what put you in here like this."

"Additional Extermin…" Lute stopped before the word even finished in her throat. Her eyes widening in shock as the reminder jogged her memory.

Sort of. Her head was still fuzzy on all the details, but the events came flooding back.

The Devil's Spawn and her stupid hotel. Adam, her and the other Exorcists had attacked it, intending for it to be the first target of said Extermination before moving on to the other losers in need of culling.

That stupid blonde bitch and that traitorous cunt Vaggie had been there waiting with the princess' pet projects and their little Sinner army full of cannibals for them.

She… She remembered fighting Vaggie, kicking her ass and then…

Somehow, she lost one of her arms!?

And then…

Then…

Then all she recalled next was him showing up.

Lucifer himself.

After that?

Things got too fuzzy.

All she could pinch out was Adam getting involved in a fight with Lucifer.

But for some weird reason, the Devil looked eerily like his whore that'd made a deal with Adam to get into Heaven?

What the fuck?

"Yes. That's correct." Sera nodded and continued, not waiting for Lute's mind to catch up on its own, if it even would. "During it, if your sisters are to be believed, you were knocked unconscious when you tried to attack Lucifer. A barrier is what did you in, and besides the severed arm and some other minor wounds, did most of the damage when it seemingly reversed all the power of the attacks you threw at it back unto you."

"That bastard!" Lute cursed. Her face forming into an angry scowl. "Damnit! Adam or one of my sisters must've carried me back after that disgrace. I doubt they would've stayed too much longer with the Morningstar there. We'll have to regroup and plan accordingly for the next-"

"Allow me to cut you off before you finish that thought, Lute." Sera said, stopping the lower-ranking Angel in her tracks with a raised hand. "There will be no 'regroup' for another Extermination… because Heaven is officially putting them on hold for the foreseeable future."

"…What?" Lute blinked, expression shifting from anger to stunned disbelief, unsure if she'd just heard what she did. "On hold?"

"Yes." Sera nodded carefully, like she was aware she was about to drop a hammer down on Lute's head with this. "In light of recent events, it was decided in short order while you were unconscious that they be postponed indefinitely. And depending on how things proceed… forever."

Lute's jaw fell open. Eyes wide and twitching at this news. "W-Wha? L-Lady Seraphim, you can't!"

"I can and I have, Lute. This decision was reached unilaterally by me and the Elders in an emergency meeting shortly after your sisters gave their report of what happened. Even if I wanted to disagree, it's out of my hands to change it now." The High Seraphim explained.

"Out of your hands? A unilateral decision? What the fuck happened to cause such a turnabout!?" Lute rightly asked in shock.

Sera's brow twitched at the vulgar language but let it slide given the circumstances. Especially given it was only going to get worse from here. That much she knew.

"What 'happened' is that the treaty was broken yesterday and made void, for one. Secondly, one of the Sinners – going by the name of Sir Pentious – that was killed during the Extermination came back, but as an Ascended Soul in Heaven."

"Th-They what!?" Lute's eyes damn near bulged out of her skull at that. "That's impossible! Hell is-"

"Apparently not forever like we previously thought." Sera swallowed, cutting her off a second time. A flash of guilt and shame going over her face, before going back to the complicated visage she'd walked in with. "He is the first example of a Redeemed Soul from Hell, proof that redemption is indeed possible."

That left the Exterminator speechless.

A soul redeemed? From Hell!?

What sort of bullshit was this!?

"And you're sure it's not just some trick of those demons? A Sinner is a Sinner, your Grace! He could – not, he must – be deceiving you!" Lute immediately launched into denial, refusing to believe what she'd been told.

"There is no deception, lieutenant." Sera shook her head. "Sir Pentious has already been checked just in case. He is very much an Ascended Soul like every other human soul that makes it to Heaven. And though he is under careful watch for the time being, he shall soon be allowed to roam about Heaven freely, like all other Winners."

"This… This can't be!" Lute shook her head, indignantly refusing to believe it. "Your Grace, this doesn't make any sense! A Sinner turning into a Winner? Even if I were to believe that, which I don't, it still shouldn't make a fucking difference! One soul makes it out of that shitty pit in ten-thousand years and that's all it takes to put me and my fellow Exterminators on indefinite standby!?"

Sera could only look away for a brief moment, another emotion crossing her features that the shorter Angel didn't recognize.

Lute only felt rage and offence at this as she growled through gritted teeth.

"And what of Sir? I doubt he took the news you just gave me well." She spat, already wondering where her commander was right now, seeing as he wasn't with her.

"Adam... hasn't been informed yet, Lute." Sera eventually said after a beat, making Lute blink again and look up at her even more surprised.

"Hasn't been informed? Why would you tell me this before him?"

Sera took a simple breath, looked Lute dead in the eyes and just said it.

"Because he currently is not in Heaven with us. He didn't come back with those of you who didn't perish in Hell. He's still down there at this very minute… in the company of his wife."

"Whuh…?" Lute's brain screeched to a halt faster than a full speed super car with the brakes slammed in. Her face a mask of disbelieving astonishment.

And not just because of what Sera had said, but because of what it triggered.

Her memories of yesterday losing even more of their fuzziness and becoming clearer in the details.

Particularly the ones related around Lucifer and his arrival at the battle. The form he'd taken, the things he'd said…

The Devil's words and claims had been batshit insane. She recalled dismissing them all as lies meant to hurt Adam, and rightfully so.

Now though… A sinking feeling had entered Lute's gut as Sera looked at her like that. One with a sensation of clawing horror being realized.

She swallowed it down though, not wanting to jump to the worst-case scenario. Even though this was already beginning to sound terrible to her.

"Y-Your Grace…" The Exorcist stuttered, internally cursing herself for the waver in her voice. "What do you mean 'his wife'?"

At this, in an act that could be considered cowardly, Sera glanced away with a frown. Already looking towards the door she'd come in through.

"It's complicated."

"Complicated how!?" Lute rightly asked with a glare, her gut only sinking further. "Just what is it you're trying to say? What do you know that I don't!?"

"Information that we cannot be let known by the general populace of Heaven!" Sera actually snapped back, while still not looking in Lute's direction. "Top secret information that up to now, was known about only by a select few. An arrangement agreed upon millennia ago that concerns the Second Woman and Mother of Humanity, Eve. Which thanks to the treaty being broken, Lucifer was free to just blurt out the truth of to a gathering of Sinners and your sisters alike."

"Blurt out… the truth of?" Lute's voice was suddenly quieter than it'd probably ever been. Her already pale skin going a near-ghostly white at what Sera had just vocalized.

No way.

Not possible.

That couldn't…

"What I'm about to tell you doesn't leave this room, Lute. As your superior, that's an order." Sera remarked sternly, though with her refusing even then to look back at her, it lost a bit of its authoritative edge.

Nevertheless, if Lute had the physical ability to, she'd have crashed out on the spot by the time Sera was done revealing the truth about Eve to her.

Presuming her brain didn't malfunction like it ended up doing and rendering her almost comically impotent, anyway.

"Hey dad? Mom's out there being weird again."

Adam stopped working on the fire and turned his head toward his son. Blonde of hair like his mother and gold of eyes like his dad. A young, very short – at least in comparison to his old man – and slightly chubby boy of fourteen years currently staring out the window of their make-shift house.

"Weird in what way, Abel?" Adam asked, more amused than bemused. "Is it to do with the ducks?"

"It's to do with the ducks." Abel readily confirmed with an almost deadpan.

"What is it this time?" Adam chuckled, finally rising up and making his way towards his son.

"It looks like she's gotten into an argument with a daddy duck… somehow. And she looks pretty upset too." The boy noted with an awkward expression.

"Heh. I'll go talk to her. Keep an eye on the fire for me, you little fucker you." The First Man told his son with his own brand of affection, rubbing the boy's head before making his way out of the small house Eve had helped him build.

He walked and came upon her in no time, garbed in the brown tunic she'd fashioned for herself. And sure enough, the blonde beauty was off doing precisely what their son had claimed.

"How could you!? Do you even understand the damage you're doing by leaving them!?" Eve exclaimed, looking both shocked and appalled with her hands mounted on her hips, as she glared down at the fully-grown bird.

"Quack! Quack-Quack!" The duck answered back, almost seeming indignant itself.

"Don't you talk back to me in that tone, mister! You're in no position to have an attitude like that!" Eve quickly rebuked, offence colouring her face and tone.

"Hey Eve! What's going on here?" Adam decided to interrupt, catching the attention of both wife and duck alike.

"What's going on, Adam, is that this little miscreant is leaving his partner to birth and raise their babies on her own!" Eve replied indignantly, sparing him but a glance before her glare returned to the animal. "And worse yet, he's planning on finding someone else to have sex with now and pass on more of his seed to get them pregnant instead of sticking by his partner's side as a father and consort should! Can you believe that!?"

"Uhh… No, I can't." Was all Adam could say to that, feeling a sweat drop down his forehead as the duck – which he felt like he recognized – started quacking back.

He couldn't understand whatever the animal was saying, only its heated mood as it quacked at his wife.

Eve could though. He'd found out that his wife had a knack for communicating with all animals well beyond what he could. At least after Eden anyway.

Well, he hoped his wife was able to talk to the animals anyway. Because the alternative would be rather troublesome.

His wife pulled a face halfway between shock and aggrievement that frankly looked comical as she took in whatever the bird's response was.

"No, that is not just 'how you are'. Don't try bringing true nature into this buddy, I know yours like the back of my hand!"

She did? Adam wasn't sure how that particular bit could've been possible, but he let that information slide from his mind as the duck got angry too. Its wings baring and flapping away as it quacked back with what he presumed was a clap-back.

"Ah! What!? You're actually blaming me for your terrible behaviour now? Are you kidding me?"

"Quaaaaaaack! Quack-Quack!" The duck almost seemed to huff back at her with sass, turning up its billed head and tilting it away.

Shit looked adorable to Adam. And the same was true for Eve, but whatever it told her only offended her more.

"Oh, don't you turn your cute, perfect little head up at me mister!" She scowled while point at him. "And how dare you bring up the Apple as if that absolves you of any wrongdoing! You still have the Free Will to choose your own actions just like I do! You were made that way from the beginning, so don't even try to lie to me!"

"Quack! Quaaaaaaack!" The duck rounded on her with a fierce glare of its own – for a creature that looked precious even trying it that is, and Adam almost burst out laughing from being unable to take it seriously – staring his wife down.

"Oh, you little! You do a disservice to all duck-kind! I can't believe how you've turned out since Eden!"

"Quaaaaaaaaaaaaack!"

"Same back to me? What's that supposed to mean!?"

"Quaa-aack!" The duck shook its wing at her before bobbing its head animatedly, vociferating in a way Adam hadn't even known was possible for it until now.

Whatever it said, Eve shook with almost comedic rage at. The wife of Adam clutching her fist near her breast with a close to menacing aura.

"You've got some nerve saying that to me. I'll have you know I care for my husband very much and have no intention of leaving him!"

"Wait, what?" Adam blinked, taken off-guard. "What did the duck say?"

"Slander!" Eve said to him, and rather hotly at that. Fire practically burning in her eyes at the bird. "Pure, utter slander!"

"Quack-Quack!" The duck turned to him then as it spoke, giving him what could best be described as a pitying look before bowing its head.

"At least your manners aren't completely gone if you're apologizing to my husband for that comment, but I should be getting one as well! That was completely out of line!"

"Quuack!" The duck turned away completely from both of them then, giving what Adam guessed was its version of a scoff as it started waddling away on its webbed feet.

Adam didn't need to understand duck to know the animal very much was not apologizing to Eve for whatever had been said.

"Oh, you disrespectful, ungrateful little ducky! Go ahead, walk away mister! And you'd better be heading back to your partner to help raise those kids! Like a real man!"

That sentence felt so wrong yet so funny at the same time that Adam didn't bother to try and correct his wife on it. He just snorted out a light laugh at the absurdness of it all, especially as the duck thrust its wing up and back at her.

The bird quite literally giving her 'the bird' as it marched off.

"Dear, why are you laughing? This isn't a laughing matter!" Eve chastised, eyes now fully on him as she motioned both hands toward the retreating duck. "That was just rude!"

"Ehehehe! Oh man, Eve. I'm sorry, I just can't take this shit seriously!" Adam only continued to laugh as he brought himself closer to his wife.

Eve simply pouted up at him childishly as he wound his arm around her and pulled her close. The buxom woman making no attempt to stop or resist him.

"Well, you should! He was being very mean! And ungentlemanly!" She argued, already wrapping her own arm around his waist as she rested her head against his shoulder. "I swear, he never spoke like that to me in Eden! His crudeness was unbelievable!"

"Well, this ain't Eden. Guy's probably gone through a lot since being out here, you know?" The First Man argued in the duck's defence.

"Maybe." His wife was willing to concede, anger simmering down the longer she was embracing him. "But even still, that's no excuse for his actions toward his partner or the way he spoke to me!"

"I agree." Adam nodding, taking her side on that much. "If he really was abandoning his family, then that's some bullshit."

"Hmph! That's an understatement!" Eve cutely grunted. "He should be more like you, Adam! It's what he was made to be like, after all!"

"Really now?" Adam chuckled, taking that weirdly worded response in stride as he leaned down and kissed his wife's forehead. "And what am I like?"

"Loyal, reliable and loveable." She said back without hesitation, giving his ass a little squeeze just the way he liked it.

"Heh. Right back at you, babe." He said with an earnest smile, already turning them both away.

But not toward their makeshift home.

Toward the woods in the distance, where the thick grouping of trees and bushes could easily block them from sight.

His intent was clear and he knew Eve knew it too.

"Now how about I go and make you feel better? Can't have your beautiful ass heading back to the house in a foul mood. That's not what a reliable husband does, after all."

And with that, he walked his hot wife off to there, feeling a shit-eating grin come over him at the excuse he'd been given to do her.

He'd take as many of those as he could get.

"Nngghh…" A small groan left Adam as his eyes began to slowly peel open.

He nearly cursed himself internally for that, his body waking just as his dream was getting to the sexy part.

There was little he could do though, so he let his body's sin slide as his vision cleared up while he rose to a sitting position.

He was in a bed of some sort. A real comfy one, with an exquisite mattress, high quality satin sheets, and superbly soft pillows almost on par with what he had at his place in Heaven.

It even looked like a place in Heaven, with white and gold walls and a well-ornate ceiling.

He knew it wasn't his domain though, or anywhere in Heaven the instant he got a look at the decorum, as well as a whiff of the air.

For the former, the bed posts had imagery of serpents wrapped around them with the ends shaped like apples, the latter even being coloured red just to pop out that much more next to the rest of the scenery.

And then there was the sheet itself draped over his lower half, which had numerous images of ducks on it. One of which in particular, decorated with a familiar top hat, creasing and stretching over his very unsubtle, very large erection pushing up through the fabric.

Combined with the air that smelled of sulfur, Adam's senses came roaring back in an instant with full alertness.

Just in time for the door to the room he was in to swing open and make him start.

"What the fuck!?" Adam was quick to exclaim in shock as the figure of his wife sauntered in. A sight that almost had him putting his guard down.

The ringmaster suit she wore along with the stupid top hat were enough to jolt his memories of the latest Extermination though, and the insanity that'd been unleashed during that period.

"Luci-Ev-Whatever the fuck you are!"

"Heeeey sleepy-head! Just call me Evefer from now on. Great to see you awake again!" Evefer cheerily remarked while holding something in her hands.

A closed platter of some sort.

"I had a feeling you'd wake up around now, call it a wife's intuition! Anyways, I brought you something to eat, because you must be famished!" She said to him, all smiles as she placed the platter down on the desk near the bed he was in and opened it up, revealing a stack of delicious-looking pancakes topped with sugary syrup.

It smelled fantastic too, but the First Man didn't care about that.

Adam should've done something by now. Like run and get the fuck out of here. Get back to Heaven as fast as possible, knowing who was in front of him.

But he couldn't. His bitch of a body didn't obey him, too stunned to do so.

"Oooh! I see another part of you is awake as well!" Evefer giggled as she glanced down beyond him, not failing to notice his bulge. "You haven't changed, I see! Still getting worked out in your sleep like I remember."

Adam's mind was too frazzled in that moment to care about letting the woman know it was 'worked up', not 'worked out'.

Matter of fact, he was too frazzled to do a lot of things as his brain rebooted and caught up slowly.

Slow enough for the Devil to reach out and poke the crown of his obscured member with a finger and giggle at him with just a touch of desire.

"Knowing you, maybe you'd prefer a… helping hand with that before chowing down? You already know I don't mind, so long as you give me the word~."

A shiver went down Adam's whole body with an equal mix of horror and horniness at such saucily-delivered words.

The absolute worst kind of combo!

"Is that a yes~?" The blonde beauty pressed, pushing her face closer to his with an eager grin.

Close enough for his nose to catch the scent. The scent burned into his memory from countless nights spent in bed with his wife, just with an added tinge of tainted holiness to it that hadn't been present before.

It would've been convenient if his brain malfunctioned again and caused him to pass out then and there.

Adam's luck decided to flip him off instead though, keeping him seated where he was. His eyes twitching and mouth agape in a stupor at the fact that his wife before him.

And that said wife had been who he'd perceived to be his greatest enemy all this time since the Eden debacle.

It was enough to make Adam wonder if, at some point in his life, he'd managed to anger God with his antics.

No answer came for that kind of existential question though.

What did come, was Evefer's soft lips on his. The feeling of them just like he remembered. A touch not given in thousands of years.

His traitor of a body responded well before his mind caught up, blasphemously and sinfully so by actually kissing her back!

"Mmrhm!" The blonde moaned and eagerly responded and before long they – oh God, they were wrestling tongues!

He was tongue-smooching with his greatest enemy!

The enemy that was also his long-lost wife!

What the fuck was wrong with him!?

What the fuck was wrong with reality that this was a thing!?

Damnit! No hands, no! Stop what you're doing! Stop touching the bitch's hips like you want her!

You don't want her! She's the Devil, not – oh damnit! Don't pull her on the bed! Fuck off hands!

"Hohoh! I guess that is a yes then~!" Evefer remarked as their lips broke away, not hesitating for a second to begin straddling him with a special kind of glee that only Eve could manage.

But apparently Lucifer could too, as they were one and the same.

It was impossible to not see them both now on the blushing face of the woman on top of him.

Adam's throat made a sound equivalent to something within a machine failing, a croaking noise vaguely like that of a dying frog.

If the world were merciful, he'd have died then too, only to reveal it was all just some seriously messed up fever dream that he'd wake up from in his quarters within Heaven.

It was no dream though, and an already growing part of him – a part that deserved extermination – was relieved at that for some reason too fucked for him to understand!

Why Lord?

Was it because of that paraphrased bible-reading he did once for those in Heaven? The one Sera lost her mind over because of how inaccurate and crude it was?

If so, he was sorry! He was very, very sorry for his dumbassery! He repented! He…

Oh, screw it!

"Answers!" Adam shouted while forcing back control over his damned hands and gripped Evefer's shoulders instead, halting her in her tracks with a funny expression that almost made him appear like he was having a seizure.

"I need some fucking answers before I lose what's left of my fucking sanity! Now!"