Chapter Text
Well, sons they search for fathers
But the fathers are all gone
The lost souls search for saviors
But saviors don't last long
Those nameless, questless renegade brats
Who live their lives in song
They run the length of a candle
With a goodnight whisper, then they're gone
August 1969
✿❀✿
The next few days were spent cleaning up the aftermath of the festival. The hippies had certainly made a mess of the hog farm. The grass was gone, water had run out, and the roads were permanently affected by the massive traffic stops. Sandy tried to busy herself as not to think about Sodapop and the proposition she knew he would lay at her feet.
With Jack playing near her feet, she helped pick up the wreckage left in some campsite. It was mostly moldy food and drug paraphernalia, nothing of real value but Sandy just grabbed it all and put it into trash bags. They’d already spent the days previous packing up the stage so the wood wouldn’t rot.
Sandy had even heard that some kid in a sleeping bag had been run over by a tractor. The driver hadn’t seen him because the bag was pulled over his face. Sandy watched Jack for a moment as she picked up the heroin needles, letting a smile grace her face so she wouldn’t worry about their uncertain future. She’d thought about heading back across the country with Maryanne but every time it just left a sour taste in her mouth. She didn’t want to go back to San Francisco, it just felt like another city that would swallow her whole, not even bothering to spit out her bones. The thought of going back to Tulsa left her with an even worse taste as she thought of what monsters lay within the city limits.
“Mama! Frog! Frog!” She turned over to see Jack holding up a wriggling green animal by the legs as he grinned.
“Yes! You remembered the word, that’s a frog!” Sandy said, making sure to smile. She couldn’t help the relief that flowed through her as he spoke. She’d been so worried about his inability to speak but lately he was able to string most words together. She supposed she couldn’t really blame him, it wasn’t like she talked a lot.
Sandy tied up the bag and went to walk it over to the massive dumpster. She let Jack hold onto the hem of her skirt. It was a plain blue and white skirt that she’d found next to the creek. Obviously discarded and forgotten about as some girl stripped to bathe. Sandy had washed it up pretty good and put it on. Jack didn’t seem to care, he gathered up the fabric in his fist and toddled along with her. Sandy lifted the bag high and got ready to throw it, but before she could someone lifted it out of her hands.
“They said I could find ya down here. You’re workin’ like they’re payin’ ya.” She turned to find Soda throwing the bag in the dumpster with a big grin on his face. Behind him was Ponyboy, looking strained and sort of white. There was also another girl that Sandy recognized as Steve’s little half sister Ace.
“Hey.” Sandy said loosely. “If they ain’t payin’ then why are you here?” His grin widened and he touched her shoulder gently. Sandy found that she missed it.
“Frog!” Jack yelled again, holding up the creature for his new audience to see.
“You found a frog?” Soda asked excitedly. Sandy suddenly got a faint memory of Soda playing with the little kids in Sunday school at church. She’d gone to church with him and his family a couple times, though Soda knew she was catholic, he never mentioned it to his mother. Jack just grinned wider and lifted the frog higher. Soda suddenly jumped back like he was scared that the frog was going to touch him. “Eww, that thing is slimy!” He said, a glint in his eye. Jack looked up at her, seeming to ask for permission. Sandy nodded, a smile on her face as she watched Jack chase Soda with the frog.
Could she do this? Could she go back to Tulsa and face her fears for this?
“Hey Sandy,” Ponyboy said softly, Ace smiled at her too. “You thought about what I said?”
Sandy nodded. “Yeah, I’m gonna talk to him.” Pony nods at that, pulling a cigarette out of his pocket and lighting up. He offers one to Ace who takes it. “Steve didn’t want to come with y’all?” Sandy asks suddenly.
Ace let out an incredulous laugh. “This is definitely not his scene, he would have hauled off and stabbed someone.”
“I guess that’s true.” Soda had picked up Jack by now, letting the boy rest on his shoulders. It made Sandy happy that Jack seemed relaxed with him. Did that boy even know how important Soda was to him? Definitely not. Soda makes his way back over to them, Jack's frog now sitting on his unruly blonde hair.
“I was lookin’ at some maps and there's some little coffee sandwich type place down the road. Would you wanna come with us?”
Sandy nods. “Sure. Me and Jack’ll come wherever you’re payin’.” She said it softly, trying for the joke and hoping that Soda would take it as that. Soda smiled, grabbing at Jack's fist.
“Your Momma lets you drink coffee? What's she doin’ to ya?” Sandy tried to smile and followed them to a beat up station wagon. There was a mattress stretched across all the backseat. Ponyboy and Ace got in the backseat, stretching across the mattress and passing a cigarette back and forth. Soda handed Jack back to Sandy and got in the driver's seat.
Sandy watched him, remembering all the countless times they would take his truck out together. He always did the same thing. Start the car, mess with the radio, run a hand through his hair and then drive. This time was no different. It felt bittersweet for Sandy watching him do this in real time. The radio was turned up so loud that Sandy was sure there wasn’t a single thought going through his head. She liked it though.
With Ace and Ponyboy talking to themselves in the back seat, Soda turned to her. “So where ya been all this time Sandy? I know Evie said west but…” He was trying to make small talk, Sandy realized as she let a breath out. He didn’t want to have the difficult conversation quite yet, he just wanted to break the ice a little. Maybe learn something about her in the year and half that they’d been apart.
“Oh… Utah, then California.”
“Utah?” He whistled as Sandy nodded. “Where in Cali?”
“San Francisco. Did Tim… did he say…?”
“Yeah, Tim said he saw ya out there but everyone thought he was lying.” He drummed his hands on the steering wheel, almost nervously. “We thought you were dead to be honest. There was a little while where we knew you was callin’ Evie but then she told Steve you stopped… I guess everyone assumed you were dead.” Sandy nods awkwardly, not sure how to follow that. “I sent letters… to your uncle's house. They were returned unopened.”
Sandy sucks in a breath. “I wasn’t there. I couldn’t go there, Soda.”
“Was it ‘cause I knew about it?”
“No,” Sandy says, too fast, running a nervous hand through Jack’s hair. “That guy… my uncle… he was worse than my Daddy.”
“You ever meet him?”
“He lived in Tulsa when I was a kid. Used to come over all the time.” Sandy swallows hard. Why were they talking about this? She thought Soda just wanted to make small talk. She didn’t want to talk about this, not now, not ever. “He was horrible to me. I just… I couldn’t live there. There’s not much more to say about it than that.” Sandy knows she’s coming off as standoffish and stupid but she can’t help it. What happened to easing into it slowly? “I’m sorry about the letters.” She finishes, cutting herself off.
“I get it.” Soda says, glancing at her as he looks at the road. “You see anything cool in San Fran?”
“Just about everything.” Sandy tries to smile. She doesn’t want to talk about the bad things, not yet anyway. She’d use those later, when he tried to convince her to come back with him. “The Golden Gate Bridge, free museums, the beach. It was beautiful there.”
“I’m sure.” He hums, pulling up to a small shack in a fork in the road. The only thing that indicated they were serving anything was the open sign on the door. The wood looked close to rotting and the roof was in shambles. Sandy opened her door of the car and followed the rest of them in. The menu only has coffee and two types of sandwiches. Soda orders and pays the angry looking woman manning the counter and they find a place to sit outside.
“What about Tulsa? How is everything there?”
“Pretty much the same. Darry got hitched. Apparently he was dating some girl in secret, and didn't even tell us.”
“Steve and Evie…?” Sandy asks, adjusting Jack on her lap.
“Still together, still the same. Stevie wants to go into the military-”
“Stupid asshole!” Ace spits.
“Yeah,” Soda looks at the ground. “I don’t think Evie will let him though.”
“That’s good.” Sandy says, running out of things to talk about.
“Can I…?” Soda is looking at Jack, who is staring up at him with those blue eyes.
“Hold him? Sure.” She hands Jack over to his Daddy. Soda bounces him on his knee, running his hand through his curls the same way that Sandy had. “I remember the first thing I thought about when he was born was that he had your eyes.” Sandy says softly, letting Jack hold onto her finger. She glances up at Soda who has a slack jawed sort of look on his face.
“I’m sorry.” He says, ugly and broken. “I wish I coulda been there for ya San, I really do.”
Sandy puts a hand on top of his in a rare move. “It’s okay, it ain’t your fault. You have beautiful eyes, I’m glad he got yours instead of mine.” She feels her throat start to swell, her fingers itching with that familiar itch to run away again. “I’m gonna see if they have a bathroom.” She gets up and barely stops herself from running inside the shack.
The lady inside begrudgingly points her in the direction of a bathroom. Sandy stands inside the stall for a moment, trying to gather herself up. She feels cornered, like an animal caught in a trap ready to gnaw off its own leg. She missed Sodapop but they had missed so much of each other's lives. It was going to be difficult to put the pieces back together again.
Sandy manages to pull herself together again, sending a stray prayer Saint Margaret's way as she picks up the sandwiches and coffee mugs from the scowling woman. Sandy hesitates a moment behind them, watching Soda and Ponyboy play with Jack.
He’s smiling and in turn, Sandy thinks that she might be okay for now.
✿❀✿
They’re sitting on the hood of the car when Soda gives her a look. It’s a look that makes her stomach drop out. He wants to talk to her. He wants to ask her. Right now.
Jack was playing in the grass with Ace and Ponyboy. Overjoyed to have someone who would entertain his every wish. He’s laughing like Sandy hasn’t seen in a while and it almost makes her want to cry. It would be things like this that she would be depriving Jack of. He deserved to know his uncles and aunts. He deserved to know his daddy.
Soda scoots closer to her on the hood of the car. “Ace and Pony are good with him.” He says softly, like it almost like it surprises him.
Sandy lets out a wet laugh. “Yeah, it’s good to see him smiling again.”
“He’s a cute kid.” He doesn’t look at her, just places a long piece of grass in his mouth like a mock cowboy. “What are your plans now that the festival is over?” He asks it carefully, like he’s trying not to push her. It was the same way he’d been when they were together. Hesitant and careful in an attentive way. It was nice back then, when Sandy could hardly focus because of the pain she was constantly in. Now it just makes Sandy want to claw her own eyes out. She’s grown since those days, she wants him to get right to the point, even if it hurts.
“I don’t know yet.” She says quietly.
“Goin’ back to San Francisco?”
“I can’t…” She says, feeling the shame of her last night there bubbles up in her throat like bile. “I don’t think… I don’t think I can.”
“Why not?” She looks at him then, his eyes are full of genuine concern. When was the last time someone besides Maryanne was actually concerned for her?
“I-” She stops suddenly. “I did some things I’m not proud of, I don’t think I could face them now.” Soda nods, not pressing, even though Sandy can tell he wants to.
“Ace has an apartment in the city, Harlem actually. You could stay with us for a few days.”
“Soda…” She trails off. “By now, we know each other well enough that you can come right out and say it.” He stands up suddenly, Sandy tries not to flinch. His eyes look almost apologetic but he starts pacing, his arms folded across his chest.
“It’s been over a year since we’ve seen each other San, I just feel like I don’t know how to act.” Sandy reaches out for him, surprising herself.
“You’re doin’ fine baby. This whole thing is all my fault anyway. Just don’t… Just don’t worry about steppin’ on any eggshells, okay? Not anymore?” Soda lets her take his hand as he brings himself closer to her.
“Sandy, come stay with us. Please? We’ll be stayin’ with Ace for at least two more weeks. Then… maybe after that…” He trails off, looking at her with his mouth agape.
Sandy sighs heavily, letting go of his hand. “I don’t think I can face Tulsa again.”
“I know,” He says quickly, pushing himself closer to her. “I know you’re still scared, I can tell. Even if you’re less scared than you were, you’re still scared and that kills me San, it really does. But if you come back with us- with me. It’ll all be different. I’ll be close and we can get our own place and I’ll get to help Jack grow up. I’ve known this kid for like two days and I already love him, Sandy. I love him with my whole heart and I think I’d die for him. Just come back with us and we’ll figure all the details
out. I wanna try San, for you. For Jack .” She hears Jack laugh in the background, a high pitch squeal that would fill her with joy if her nerves weren’t fraying.
Sandy feels tears prick her eyes. “I can’t go back.” She whispers it like a dirty admission. Soda goes to speak again but Sandy interrupts him. “I was never more scared than when I was livin’ in my Daddy's house. He hurt me bad, I mean you saw… saw a lot of it, but it was more than that, y’know? He just… kept me in a constant state of fear and I think it would kill me if I went back.”
“Sandy-”
“No, Soda. He hurt me, in ways that I never wanted to tell ya about. I still don’t think I can talk about it.” She chokes on the last bit, feeling tears escape down her cheeks. “I meant it when I said he’d kill me. He’s put a shotgun to my head before.” Soda freezes at that, his eyes going wide as his face pales, but Sandy can’t stop now. “He threatened to pull the trigger and I think that this would make him mad enough to do it. Then he’d kill Jack and-” Sandy gasps out a sob then, the sound barely getting out of her mouth before Soda pulls her into his arms. “Jack is my miracle baby. He saved me in so many ways and I know it hurt you but I got out because of him. To come this far just for my Daddy to kill him? Soda, I can’t even be in the same city as that man. I think I’d go crazy.”
“Sandy-”
But Sandy can’t stop herself from spiraling. “I can’t stop thinking about it, Sodapop, I can’t . What if we go back and he finds us? What if he takes Jack? What if I wake up and Jack isn’t there? What if-”
“Sandy!” She turns to look at him, panic pulsing through her body. Soda's eyes soften. “Your Daddy’s dead.”
“Dead?” It’s all she can mutter as her stomach drops out, shock filling her system. The man who had caused her so much torment, dead?
“Yeah, he was driving drunk last spring.” Soda says softly, his arm around her firm. “The crash made the papers and everything. Evie told me about it.”
“He’s dead?” Sandy looks up at him, tears making tracks down her face. “You’re sure?”
“Positive. They put his picture in the papers.” Sandy nods, looking over at Jack who's now squealing on Ace’s back. She lets out a breath, trying to quell the panic that had risen from just talking about the man. “Just come stay with us in Harlem for a little while, we’ll be there for the next two weeks, it’s a safe place and maybe you can warm up to the idea of comin’ back with us.”
Sandy nods, looking over at Jack again. He looked so happy with his family and with her Daddy out of the picture, Sandy could finally believe that everything might actually be okay again.
Her feelings over her Daddy’s death were muddled and confusing. Now that she knew he was gone, waves of relief seemed to crash over her head. Nobody in Tulsa would ever hurt her worse than he had. Though guilt managed to crawl up her throat. She shouldn’t feel glad for his death.
She remembered the week after Soda’s parents had gone. He was a mess with his red eyes and tearful existence. He’d had such a hard time that Sandy didn’t know how he’d even gotten through it. Should she feel the same? Shouldn’t she feel something other than the relief that made her feel like a terrible person. Soda had an arm around her, rubbing gently at the hard bone on her shoulder.
“I’m glad Jack will never meet him.”
“Yeah, me too.” His voice is hard as they both stare at Jack.
“I’ll stay with you.” She said, her voice feeling small. “I can’t promise anything yet, but I’ll come to Harlem with you.”
A grin splits his face in half. “Honey, that’s all I could ask for.”