Archive of Our Own ^beta

I gaze out into the endless sky above me, If i was being honest I never would have thought I would make it here, it had seemed a much more likely outcome for me to be six feet under.

And not here, of all places.

Where the seas of almost neck high wheat melted into the hazy golden horizon of a sunset, and where the soft soil paths had tracks where my boots made groves, the smell of the outdoor filling my lungs with a scent of nostalgia and euphoria.

Though that was not the sight I’m beholden to now, I stand— still illuminated, but instead of the sun, by the starry lights above me, and instead of the wheat, I’m some measure away, to where the fields of yellow were still visible, but instead a backdrop to where I had set up some sort of camp, complete with the beginnings of a campfire, or a patch lined with rocks and small wooden fuel, with two tents.

…I never thought I would be here, in Niko’s world.

And I never thought I would be so guilty.

I thought that such a feeling would be gone soon after I entered this world, but before I knew it, I had a job, responsibilities and everything else that came with a life— friends, and while they may still seem me as a God, and don’t want to let go of that view no matter how strange it is, they were still my friends.

Yet even still, that feeling of shame that I carried with me throughout my entire journey just refused to quit, it had somehow managed to crawl inside of me like a parasite, and it’s claws are stiff enough to remain firmly planted into me.

“Hey!” A young voice jolts me from my thoughts, forcing me out and into reality, where I can hear the sounds of fast footsteps approaching me.

“Good evening, I’m glad you made it… and that your mother agreed to this.” I say almost sheepishly, scratching my neck.

Niko takes a spot next to me, putting her backpack— one that I’m almost convinced was her school bag repurposed, though one with various patches and… a small light bulb pin put on the front, “Mm! Mama was worried, but when I mentioned you, she came around.”

“Ah, is that so?” To tell the truth, I didn’t expect that, I had met Ms. Marigold before of course, wonderful woman, and I got the sense that she respected and trusted me with Niko’s safety because of what happened, but I thought it was still out of the realm of possibility— color me surprised.

“Well, then… lets get started?”

Niko tilts her head, gazing back at the made camp, and I reckon that she’s already eaten dinner, “Um… with what? I thought we were going camping?”

“Well, yes, that, but also, I used to be into Astronomy, the study of stars, and I realized, that the stars here are different to the ones that I used to know back in my old world, so I wanna make notes of them.” Polaris, or the North Star seemed to have its equivalent here, with one star that only very slightly in a circular pattern— almost still.

“And that’s where you come in,” I say, kneeling down and holding their shoulders, I smile as they look at me in anticipation and curiosity.

“What I’m gonna need from you, is your eyes.” I say, emphasizing my words by taking my pointer and index finger and putting them up and pointing to my respective left and right eye.

“My… eyes?” Niko tilts her head slightly in confusion, I stand up abruptly, before speaking in a matter-a-fact tone of voice, if I had glasses right now I would push them up right now to emphasize my point.

“Yep, I noticed that your eyes are a lot bigger compared to mine, or to anyone from where I’m from, so that you can see a lot farther than me, and since you eyes are—” cat-like, I was about to say, before wisely cutting myself off before Niko has anything to say about it, I cough, “since your eyes are quite… um, bright, I suspect that you have a sense of dark vision as well.”

“So that means, I want you to stargaze for me, while I document what you see.” I say, taking out my small leather bound booklet, one filled with various of my thoughts and scribbling, I unwind the small leather strap holding it closed, before showing the relevant pages for her to look at— including the notes of Astronomy I have from my old world.

I might give my notes to her sometime, Niko’s a sharp kid, and there wasn’t any truly hard science in there anyways. I never really got into the higher levels of Astronomy, the moment the textbooks took a dip into Calculus, my mind took a dip into vacation, a Mathematician I am not.

“Oh, yes, I can do that!” Niko lights up.

“That’s the spirit,” I smile, closing the book for a moment, wrapping it back up before putting it in the pocket of my coat.

“Now before we do that though, have a look at the stars right now, remember where they were while you were walking over here?”

“Have you noticed it?” I ask her,

“Noticed what?” she says, throwing me a side ways, curious glance, golden eyes glowing slightly in the darkness.

“It hasn’t been that long, though I think a difference is noticeable if you look closely enough.”

It was quite a funny expression that Niko then wore, face scrunched in concentration as she squints her eyes up above, but i resist the urge to laugh, I doubt that she would appreciate it very much, and I would hate to disrupt their flow state, even though I doubt that she could figure it out right now, given the minuscule movement of the stars since the last time she checked.

Though after a few moments, her eyes widen, and her mouth forms a small ‘o’ shape as she voice quiet in a whisper, though not because of uncertainty. “They… moved.”

“…”

“Um… is that it?”

Geez, I had only wanted to test how perceptive Niko was, she really did have sharp eyes, it was a little scary how observant she were for her age— it had been not thirty minutes, they couldn’t have moved much during that time, yet she noticed it anyways— I can’t help feeling a little proud.

“Bingo, back in my world, the stars spun around, or more specifically, we spun around, and as we rotated on the world’s axis, the stars appeared to be circling us, cool, right?”

The fact that the stars move here, meant that this world was on an axis too, I doubt that it was exactly 23.4 degrees, but it must be something close to it.

“So we are just going—” Niko makes a motion of spinning on her heel, and I’m reminded a little bit of the time that they sat on a roomba and it started spinning, complete with the totally accurate ‘brrrrr’ noise as well, I appreciate the authenticity.

“Yep, and with that our perspective of the stars shift too.”

“With just looking and trying to understand the stuff around us we can learn so much, a lot of things that the people of the past wouldn’t believe, and who knows? Maybe the stuff you figure out might be helpful? I know that back in the ‘World’, it came in pretty useful.”

Whether it be puzzles that the World Machine or the Author had purposefully put in place for Niko and I, or if it was simple improvisation with the materials that we we had, there were no shortage of situations where I found slowing down and looking at the bigger picture useful.

And what is Astronomy? If not looking at the bigger picture (I would argue even the biggest picture).

—And also getting a hell of a sight while you’re doing it.

…Well, not like such a sight was fully visible now, it was still fairly cloudy at the moment, and after checking the weather app on m y phone, it would clear up sometime soon, and given that it was… if I had to guess, about an hour or two till midnight, in that case, they had a bit of time to kill until then.

“We can’t start just yet though, I want to wait until twelve o’clock, I think that we’ll have a clearer view a that time.”

“But for now… who wants S’mores?!”

“Oh, I do!” I don’t think I have seen someone nod their head so quickly in my entire life, it looks like the stars were in Niko’s eyes instead of the night sky the moment I take out the marshmallows. I snicker, handing them the packet of it for a moment as I start the fire with my Ferro rod, showering the small pieces of kindling I had set up prior with sparks until it bursts into flame, at which point I throw in the more substantial amount of fuel, until I have a small campfire.

I laugh for a moment as I turn my head and see Niko transfixed by the fire, reminding myself not to let her become a little arsonist, instead skewering a marshmallow, some chocolate and 2 halves of a Graham cracker on a stick I found.

Her mouth is already agape and drooling when I hand her the skewered treat, only for her eyes to widen in betrayal as I take it back

“Whoops, sorry, cats can’t have chocolate, it’s poisonous, you see.”

Niko huffs, “I’m not a cat, I’m a person! Cats walk on four legs… now gimme!” she makes a swipe for the it, and I let her, partly amused as I tell her to be careful and not to burn herself when she roasts it— or take a bite out of the S’more while it’s too hot.

After a short while of enjoying their food and each other’s company, they get back to business—

“Hey! You’re gonna dirty your scarf if you keep chasing me like that!”

“It’s okay, Mama always cleans it when I get back home, now let go of Mr. Banana Bread!”

…Or as close to business as possible, I quickly hand over the stuffed owl plush to Niko, who hugs it close to her chest, and I hope that neither my coattail or her scarf get any dirtier tonight— lest her mother burn me at the stake for my arrogance. Or something like that… Ms. Marigold had been nothing but accommodating to me, but I don’t want to risk it.

Worth it though, it’ll teach her not to leave Mr. Banana Bread unattended.

Before my thoughts can get away from me too fast however, I quickly get myself back on track. It’s just when I was with Niko, it was so easy to get distracted, everything with them seemed so fun, she was like the little sister that I never had.

“Um…” Niko looks at me, a flicker of concern in her eyes, and I realize that I must have been staring at nothing for the past twenty-odd seconds like an idiot.

“Ahem, sorry ‘bout that, I was just— woah…”

The clouds… have cleared up wonderfully, it seemed, and I whistle lowly for a moment, appreciating the view.

Niko looks at me, perplexed, and I snicker slightly, talk about tunnel-visioned

Before my snicker could become full blown laughter however, I gesture up above us, and Niko’s eyes, which were hyper-focused at me in confusion, widen as she looks past me, and instead at what was lain above us. As she stops looking directly at me and instead fixes her gaze upward, she pauses, as if she was getting a clear look at it for the first time in her life.

“Woah, so… pretty…” she murmurs under breath.

It only occurs to me now, but I realize that Niko probably hasn’t seen the stars is such vivid, unadulterated detail before, given that fact that she was just a kid, she likely wasn’t allowed to be out past bedtime, what likely was 9:00 o’clock— either that or she wasn’t allowed past the village at this time, light pollution didn’t really serve a big role in a place as remote and tucked away as this, though i suspect that it still made a difference.

That expression of wonder on her face… it must have been my expression too, so long ago. Something in my heart stirs for a moment after seeing that, and I can’t help the grin that splits my face in two, and has me staring like a fool.

Because it really was so beautiful, in such a way that I doubt I’m eloquent enough to put it into words, but one I’m attempting anyways.

Streaks of not so phantasmal light shooting up— ones so great that I fully understand where the term heavenly bodies came from— some of them still, and some of them twinkling, as the atmosphere hid and distorts them for a brief moment before they reappear— as if the world itself couldn’t believe their eyes and was blinking.

No matter the type, they are brilliant all the same.

My eyes go against me and start to water against my will as a cold wind shifts and ruffles my hair, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

I take a deep breath.

This… was why I took up Astronomy, I remember loving the stars before, when I was younger, I loved looking up, correction: I love looking up.

“W-Was… it like this in your world?” Niko asks quietly, awe-stricken voice trembling and cracking slightly at the edges.

“Yes… yes it was.” I whisper back, just as quietly, proud of where I’m from for what feels like the first time in my life.

It makes it easy to understand, those past beliefs that viewed space as some sort of afterlife, that it didn’t matter that life was so horrid back in their world, because the brilliance of the world above was so radiant, when paradise was right there.

“There were many myths regarding the universe and space where I’m from, I like the modern scientific view, but I think that the past ideas are… fascinating… and looking back now, they might have been onto something… like how the old Christians use to think of them as the heavens.”

‘Paradise, or Heavens’ were surely words that fit the sight that I’m looking at now after all, though if I remember correctly, that wasn’t the only divine interpretation.

“Or how it… was it the Romans or the Greeks? Well, an ancient people thought that it looked like spilled milk from a Goddess’ breast, I guess that’s why it’s called the ‘Milky Way’…”

“—The people back in your old world called space the ‘Milky Way’?!”

I chuckle, a little surprised at her outburst. “Yep, must be a whole lot of milk though, given how each star is millions of times bigger than the world.”

“Imagine how many pancakes you can make if it was actually milk…” I think I can see Niko drooling a little, and I stand corrected as she wipes her mouth with her sleeve.

I do try hard not to burst into cackles right there, “You could make enough batter to actually satisfy your appetite on your birthday.” I tease slightly.

“What? No, I don’t eat that much!”

“You ate fifteen pancakes.” I remind her gently yet sternly.

“…”

“And you had a stomach ache for the rest of the day and couldn’t eat anything else.”

“…”

“It was worth it.” she confesses, and I snort.

“I’m sure it was.”

“Well, in any case, this looks like a good time,” I hum, Niko makes some noise of agreement, eyes still firmly planted on the sky, looking much more calm than before, but no less amazed.

“First off though, you wouldn’t happen to have some background knowledge on the stars would you?”

“Hm… My Mama says that if I get lost when playing and it’s night, I should follow…” Niko’s index finger traces the sky, one of her eyes closed and her tongue sticking out in concentration, I stifle a laugh, “that one over there!” she says victoriously as her finger finds a particularly bright star.

I hum, that’s the one I was interested in earlier.

“Does it point north?”

“Ah, yes it does! How did you know?”

“We have something similar to that in my world, it’s called Polaris, it was used most often for guiding us, as it always pointed towards north, so you could always get home if you knew how to, has that star got a name?” I flick my head slightly in the direction that Niko was pointing.

“Um…”

“It’s okay if you don’t know.” I say gently, my pencil almost touching my booklet as I write my notes, before I pause, “oh, we could come up with a name for it together if we don’t know that it’s called right now.”

Niko stares up for a moment as she ponders the idea, before nodding her head vigorously, her scarf moving to and fro rapidly as she does, I hide a smile, “Excellent, what are you thinking of?”

Niko responds instantly, and I pause, almost dropping my pencil when I register it.

“You.”

“…”

As I turn silent, I can feel my expression turning to an unpleasant grimace, my hands shaking slightly as memories of guilt and remorse I would rather remain separate and forgotten when compared to the fond ones, begin to resurface again— how could I accept praise? After all I’ve done?

I grip the pencil tight enough to make my knuckles look almost fully white as I stare daggers at my book like it had personally offended me.

“No,” I say simply.

I dare not look at Niko’s face, yet I could still feel the frown on her face as she speaks, “And why not? You said it was like a guiding light? Right? Weren’t you guiding me back then when we were trapped in the game? you were literally 'God’, always helping me when we came across an issue.”

I shake my head, “You don’t understand, I didn’t do a good job, you know this, I brought you back tens of times just to wait for the Solstice update that the Author promised— and it wasn’t like I was the one doing all the work, I had help, from the Author, of course, but also from Rue, Cedric, Proto, Silver, everyone— and most definitely you.”

“But who was it then that walked me then? Who was concerned over me when I was hurt? Who hugged me when I was sad? And cuddled me when I was sleeping in the bed and was cold?” her childlike voice turns stoic, she always gets like this when I…

“…”

“Please. Let it go for now.”

“…” I could feel her dissatisfaction with the situation, and with the fact that I wasn’t willing to accept her praise— and the praise of everyone else.

“Do… you have anyone else in mind?”

“If… you don’t want it to be you, then the only other one I can imagine it being is… Mama.” Niko says hesitantly, I breathe a sigh of relief that she cut me some slack.

“Ms. Marigold? Sure, I’ll write it here.”

“Now what do you think about the two stars a ways left from it?”

“Hm… Well I have to name one for Alula… and the other one could be Calamus— wait… there’s four stars!”

I squint at the sky, before shrugging, “You’re right… I guess we got some questions for them then…” I never got a good luck at the gravestone back in the small island in the Glen, and I never had a chance to ask about their father beyond his absence, I suppose I had to talk to them— I write ‘TBA— over a hot chocolate and tea (P.S bring some more crayons for Alula).’ on the paper.

“Hm…”

Given that the brightest star in the day already had a popular, known name here, (same one as my old world even— what even was the etymology of the word ‘Sun’?) I take the liberty of naming the next brightest star in the night sky ‘Niko’.

I giggle slightly at the phrase ‘Constellation Plight’ for some reason, there was something absurd with that phrase, maybe It was because I know the fuss he would make if he knew that we had named something as grand as a constellation after him.

“That one looks like it has wings…” Niko points out, and I see the path her finger traces, humming.

“I see what you mean, or— they could be like vines protruding outwards, how about ‘Maize’?”

“Mm-hm! That’s good."

“Or how about that one—”

I don’t know how long we stood there, but it was long enough that I could see Niko visibly grow tired, from small little yawns, to her nodding off slightly while I was talking, “Okay, I think we should get you to bed now–”

“Ah… Ah–Achoo!” Niko sneezes.

I blink. “Oh sorry, I should have told you that to bring a jacket or something, you probably haven’t been out this late, um… give me a moment.”

I unbutton my coat that I kept with me all this time, even when I entered this world, kicking and screaming— ahem, i mean when I came to this particular world, with my father’s puffy military jacket and the trench coat that I’m currently slinging on her shoulders.

Though despite my attachment to it, it’s not like I’m really opposed to the idea of her borrowing it, her mom would kill me if Niko got a cold, but beyond that, I just didn’t like seeing Niko in discomfort— plus, she would look cute in my trench coat, even if it would surely get dirty with the way the tail of it was going to be dragging against the ground.

“Oh, um… thank you,” Niko blushes when I lay it out over her shoulders, re-adjusting her scarf over her new clothes.

“Don’t mention it.” I say, helping her put her arms through the sleeves, before going on to do the buttons, it looked even more oversized on her than her sweater, but all that excess fabric that swarmed her would definitely keep her warm throughout the night.

I resist the temptation to pinch her cheeks when I’m done— something in me feels deeply satisfied and content when I see her in my clothes.

I hum, turning back and fully buttoning one of my lower layers of clothing, given it’s much chillier without my coat.

“I’m sorry.” Niko says when I have my back turned to her.

“For what?”

“Before, I pushed you to do something you didn’t want to do… I still think you helped me more than anyone else, but I shouldn’t shout at you, even… when I kno—… think that what I’m saying is right, and that you should care about yourself more than you do…” she says, looking at the floor, words trailing off slightly

But Niko regains her composure, taking a brief moment to pause and choose her words carefully. “You’re my friend, and… I shouldn’t talk to friends that way. No matter what.”

I stare deeply at the ground below me, those simple words were devastating.

It was an issue.

Those memories, of that decaying world, it was bitter sometimes, but never cold, not when Niko was around definitely, still, they remind me of faded summers and familiar mementos, of walking around till my feet hurt, but still being so happy that the muscles on my face got sore from smiling.

Even so.

It’s really strange, they got the happy ending that the Author promised them, everyone is out, Calamus and Alulua got the safety and life that they deserved, Plight finally got some sleep, Ling opened a diner last I heard, Cedric is out exploring the world along with Rue and Proto, the rest of the untamed robots are happy as they fulfill their functions, Silver and Kip working together reunited as scientists, Maize is living her best life in this place as well, that much was obvious the moment I take a look anywhere in this place. and—

I could go on.

And yet I feel as if I’m empty, like despite being the so-called ‘God’, what I’ve done for everyone pales in comparison how hard everyone worked, and how little I’ve accomplished in actuality.

Even stranger, when I look at the even vaster emptiness above me, that trouble in my soul recedes– as if my worries feel small in comparison to infinity.

Though when i look back again— and I always have to, that weightlessness is gone, and I’m stricken with fear and dread, like hearing a song that you’ve used for your alarm— makes you feel like you are drowning.

Somehow that Impostor Syndrome always finds its way back to me.

A part of me is scared that that feeling will never go away, that the loss and loneliness has intertwined themselves in me without my knowing, but ironically, that felling of permanence is itself temporary, and come the morning sun— or Niko, either or— or the rest of my friends for the matter, I feel whole, I feel this is where I am meant to be.

Like the ethereal hand beyond the veil has wrote that this is where I’ll be happy, after so long.

“…” her eyes look up at me, still flickering slightly with hesitation, some guilt still remaining after her apology, yet still she says— “I love you.”

“…I love you too, Niko.”

“…”

“Damn that’s heavy, lets lighten things up, shall we? I still got something a little something left for you after all,” I chuckle awkwardly, rubbing the back of my neck as Niko looks at me curiously, urging me to go on with her gaze.

“It’s something that I still kept from my old world, it cheered me up when times got tough.” “I have a gift for you— an Astrolabe.” I say, crouching down and getting my pack at my feet, digging through it before I feel the cool surface of familiar metal.

“You’ve held the sun in your hand before… now try, the entire Universe,” I breathe out as I put the object in her hand, she stares at me in confusion for a moment as she processes my words, before staring at the brass instrument in her hands in wonder.

“What…? How?” Niko grasps it, feeling the disc-like brass object, pressing her fingers on the divots and rises on the surface, with each star and each symbol carved and embossed unto it.

I hadn’t the ability to bring suitcases or anything like that into Niko’s world, but my meager belongings didn’t really need like that, my most prized possessions were always kept on my person, and were brought with me, my Astrolabe that I kept at my hip, the clothes on my back, and the small laptop that the World Machine was in (and of course my little Game Boy Advanced, can’t live without that thing).

“That’s a tool from my world that allows me to find, navigate, time, and measure the stars, one that is embossed and engraved with pictures of the stars for you to find—”

I turn to look at Niko, only to see her staring at me blankly, if I look hard enough, I think I can see steam coming from her cat-like ears, “it was used a long time ago to look at the sky and for people to find where they were.”

“Ah! Okay.” Niko nods.

“It has records and instructions for you to read while you’re doing it, but there’s a problem.”

“That Astrolabe? It’s for my old world, not this one, with the brand new stars and orbits and celestial objects, I think some instructions and info from it still works fine here—” it wasn’t like the laws of physics had changed between worlds… at least not ones that I knew of, “so you can use it if you want and find out for yourself what works and what doesn’t.”

I smile bitter-sweetly, turning my gaze away from her, “I used that thing all the time back in my world, I couldn’t afford telescopes or anything like that, I bought it from an antique store that was looking to offload, the days I used that were the best days of my life…” I turn back, only to see a glazed over look in Niko’s eyes, “—o-of my old world, of course!” I quickly stumble out before she gets the wrong idea.

“…”

“Remember when I said that I have a last resort to give to Magpie in case we needed something, well, that’s it.” I wonder what I would have gotten from them in exchange, I shrug, “I’m glad I never needed to give them that, because now, I can give it to you.”

“That’s right, I want you to have it.”

Niko takes a shaky breath, and I startle slightly when she turns to look at me, her eyes filled with tears, she holds it closely and carefully, yet a little lightly as well, as if it was delicate and she was afraid that it would break, despite it being made out of a durable alloy of copper and tin and not the fragile glass that her hands were accustomed to, “R-Really?”

“Of course, not like I have much use for it now, when the stars that are engraved in it don’t exist here.”

“But even so, that’s the good slice of my world, right there in your hands, please stare at it from time to time, I’ll translate the symbols on it for you if you want… and take care of it please, that’s part of my life you’re holding in your hands.”

I almost jump back in shock as Niko tackles me in a hug, my— or I guess her coat now shifting against me as I slowly wrap my arms around Niko and hug her back, “Thank you, thank you, thank you…”

“Don’t mention it,” I pet the top of her hat lightly, I snicker as she starts to yawn.

“Getting tired yet?” I feel her nod, it reminds me back in the ‘World’, when I had to carry her to the nearest free bed, when she was too exhausted to walk on her own, well— either that or she was too lazy and she wanted to make me carry her, either way I don’t mind.

Being the Messiah must have been exhausting work after all, and she handled it with grace.

Niko makes a noise of contentment as I pick her up, curling into my arms as— hold up, was she purring?…

I... resist the temptation to make a comment about how cat-like that seemed, at least long enough for me to remove her dirty scarf and hat, packing her Astrolabe in her bag and bringing them both to her tent, tucking her onto the inflatable mattress bed that I had set up prior.

I’m about to walk a way to my own tent, leaving Niko with her cat-nap, smirking about how these jokes say themselves, before Niko grabs my sleeve.

“Um…”

“I’m cold.” I knew very well from my time back with her in the ‘World’ what that meant.

“I can fix that.” I take off my shoes, pulling back the covers enough so I can slip in, ‘tis a bit cramped, I have to admit, but with Niko, it was comfortable, so I wouldn’t complain, especially as she snuggles up to me closely while I manage to get a pillow.

“I really had fun tonight…” She says sleepily, already a foot into slumber land, as her hair shifts against the fabric of my jacket at my chest.

“Is that so? Then I’m glad…” I truly am, and that was because I have something to confess, and that is that I lied— both to Niko and myself.

Niko’s eyesight really was better than mine, and she did indeed make the process easier, but I didn’t exactly need her for this.

All of this was just an excuse because I wanted her company.

The guilt that I’ve had since all those loops and all those runs before the Solstice one, felt bearable when i felt Niko staring up at me like I was the one who hung those stars in the sky, as backwards as that felt.

And even the guilt I feel for my deception is going down rapidly, as I see the wonder in her half-closed eyes, the stars almost seemed to be reflected in them despite Niko having no line of sight to them, I can feel a smile sweep across my face— was there a better sight to fall asleep to? I think not, besides, cuddling with her unto dawn seemed like a very reasonable idea to me at the moment.

“Goodnight, Niko,” I murmur, already feeling the consciousness leave me head and letting me enter a deep state of rest, I must have been already half-asleep before my head hit the pillow.

“Goodnight—” I’m out before Niko could even mention my name, already in a deep sleep.