Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I’ve had many names over the years. Most of them were not positive, some of them hurt. I’m from district 9, the sea district. I was born and raised by the ocean. Literally born in it, as the customs for pregnant women are here. It’s been a ritual for decades but I don’t think anyone’s interested in minor details and boring customs. let me tell you what you’re here for: My name’s Chris and I got reaped in the 100th Hunger Games 30 years ago. Some people might remember that. My friend asked me if I wanted to write my story, my memories. He told me that it would be healing and that it was important for the next generations to hear, I guess that’s right, I guess it helps prevent another one, maybe…My story isn’t pretty, beautiful or heroic as some movies try to portray it is. It’s painful, gross and traumatizing. I’ve done things that people might call irredeemable and I’ve seen things nobody should ever see.…but it needs to be told. Things have changed a lot since then, so hopefully my story doesn’t sound too strange to you. Well, here we go. Let’s start from the beginning:

Daehan wasn’t the Daehan that you know now. The reaping would be the day after I kissed my mother’s cheek on a sunny afternoon. That’s when the Capitol people – New Korea’s most rich and influential – would arrive in each district and pull two names - one male, one female – out of a big bowl. These citizens would then go on to be dropped in an arena to fight each other and the people from the other districts to the death. It was gruesome and inhumane, but that’s just the way life here in Daehan was. Hannah and Lucas, my siblings, still had the chance to get reaped. I was 21, over the age of reaping, so I was safe. Felix, my lifelong best friend, had just turned 18 and escaped 3 months ago, in September. From his family only his little sister Olivia was still in danger. I knew his family always prayed every year the night before the reaping. 

When I passed the gate to my house that day I looked back at my sister’s room. It was winter break for her, so she didn’t have school. Still she was preparing herself for the new year, making notes and studying but I knew that she couldn’t concentrate at the moment. I knew that she was probably looking faintly at her papers, wondering what she would do if she got reaped and wondering what she would do to impress the game makers. How she would choose a weapon to kill the other kids with shaky hands that could barely copy her notes and eyes drifting from her papers to her window several times in dissociation. Lucas was dribbling his basketball in front of our garage, shooting it through the basket hoop our dad had made a few years back. He wasn’t the most creative person, you could barely call the hoop a hoop, but we enjoyed it nonetheless. I called out to Lucas. 

“What?” Lucas asked. 

“Nothing, I just wanted to see how you’re feeling.” I responded.

 “Pretty okay, I guess,” he shrugged.

“You sure?” I checked.

“Yeah I mean, there’s like a million kids here or so. It’s probably not going to be me,” he responded. Still, I heard some kind of anxiety in his voice. 

“Do you want me to stay here? Shoot hoops for a bit?” I suggested.

“No, its fine, really. Besides, I’ll see you tonight.” 
I ruffled his hair. He was so tiny back then, only 12 years old. He would never survive In the arena. I shook my head to get rid of the thought. 

“Alright,”

I squeezed his shoulder a bit longer than usual “See you tonight then.” 

“See ya,” He went back to hooping and I went back to the road to Felix’ house.

I liked Felix’ house. It was always full of life and happiness. Not that my house wasn’t, but my dad was always away on business, my mom had some troubles with her health and Hannah had to study a lot, so it was often quieter than I desired. Both of Felix’s parents worked from home. His father was a chef and his mother was a fashion designer, so his house always smelled like food and there were always pretty fabrics everywhere sitting on the ironing board waiting to get steamed, hanging outside after a good wash or laying on the table cut up in pieces waiting to become a blouse, a jacket or a fancy dress. Their house was closer to the sea than mine. That’s just how it was here in 9: the closer to the sea, the richer you were. My family was somewhere in the middle. Even though my dad was a businessman, he was still somewhere at the bottom of the corporate food chain and even with my job as fishermen we were still not as rich as the Lee’s. I actually spent more time on the other side of town, with the middle and lower class. They were always more social and friendly towards me. As I arrived at Felix’ house, I greeted his mom who was always excited to see me, but now, the day before the reaping, things were a little less fun than they normally would be. Olivia seemed to have locked herself in her room and something in Mrs. Lee’s eyes indicated a certain sadness. Still, there was laughter coming from the kitchen. 

“He’s in there,” Mrs. Lee said. 

I thanked her and went to see what was going on. Felix was hunched down over a dish on the counter. Mister Lee opened a window to get rid of some smoke. Both were laughing. 

“Ah, Chris,” his dad said when I walked in, “look what my son did.” 

Felix held up a plate of a dozen or so very burned Calamari. His face was a bit red and his freckles stood out as always. His thin shoulders shook with laughter. I put a hand on his shoulder. 

“How did you even do that?” I laughed along. 

“I don’t know!” He answered, still giggling.

I helped them clean the kitchen. Felix had never been a good chef, mostly burning or under seasoning what he cooked. His desserts were heaven though. Whatever he baked with chocolate became the talk of the town and sometimes, when business was low, his dad sold his creations by the dozen. After we cleaned the kitchen, Felix promised his dad to be home on time and we left to our usual spot.

If you wanted to go to the closest part of the beach from Felix’s home it would take only about 10 minutes by train, but that beach was always filled with families enjoying the good weather and the calming waves. Since it was always so busy, we always went towards the furthest point instead. The beach there was less sandy and more rocky, but no one ever came here because it was so far from the town and too close to the fences that separated us from the other districts. The closest houses were the victor houses where only one person, a previous winner of the games, lived. The wildlife was always intact and we had enough privacy. Even more so when we swam out towards a cave about 5 meters further out in the ocean. That was our spot. Ours. It had been for years. It was big and completely abandoned. 

Besides some crabs, you would never see any kind of creature. Surprisingly it was a dry cave and not that cold either. It was really perfect. Most of the time we would hunt the crabs, killing them with a spear and then making a little fire to cook it. Felix got the idea when he saw his dad cook a big fancy dinner for one of the fisherman boats once. He started to bring a tiny metal pot along every time we went to our cave. Usually we would talk, exchange kisses and hold competitions of who could swim the furthest or could hold their breath the longest. That day we just quietly ate our crab, looking out at the ocean. I laid half down and Felix rested his head on my stomach. Everything was quiet except for the sound of the waves. 

“Olivia thinks it’s her turn now,” Felix said, “She’s convinced herself that Minji being picked was a sign for her.”

Minji had been a classmate of Olivia. She got picked the year before and died almost immediately. The game makers had a sick fascination of making the deaths more gruesome each year and they put their ideas to reality with mutts, modified creatures meant to torture or kill you. That year, the arena had been made out of sentient carnivorous plants, so her body was only partially returned to her family. 

“She barely comes out of her room now. I hear her only praying.” Felix continued.

Waves. 

“Lucas doesn’t think it’s going to be him…or he pretends to,” I shared.

"What do you think?” Felix asked me.

“I think we’ve been very lucky so far.” It’s true, we had been incredibly lucky. I thought back to 2 years ago. I was 19 and Felix was 16. We’d already been friends since we were little our family being friends and us going to the same school and all, but something else had started to grow between us. Maybe we could have admitted it to ourselves sooner, but we had another obstacle: the games. We never said it. We never spoke of our feelings to each other. Our looks, our manners, the way we sat a bit too close together on couches and the trips to the cave all showed us what we felt inside, but I was of age. I escaped the games and got a job as a fisherman despite the dismay of my father and the worry of my mother. I was, in a way, free. Felix wasn’t. Every month he had talked to me about how scared he was to get reaped. How he couldn’t kill another person. How he would rather die than to denounce his morals. He was raised catholic.

“Thou Shall Not Kill.” 

The truth was, as long as he had the chance of getting reaped, we would never be able to plan a future together. 
Even so I had told him that I would buy us the beautiful house two train stops earlier once I saved up enough money. 
It had a tiny front yard and a tiny, cozy kitchen. I didn’t really want more for us. Felix either even though he was used to bigger interiors. I had already imagined the house being full of beautiful fabrics that his mom would gift us, delicious smells when he baked and laughter when we invited our families over for dinner (which I would cook). Filled only with the sound of waves, music and joy.

Then, in September, he finally turned 18. I remember going to him that day and seeing the happiness on his parents face. Two children had reached safety – Felix along with his older sister Rachel being 2 years older than him – and only Olivia had to be looked out for. My family, too, had been relieved. They knew how much he meant to me as a friend. Though they were happy for him, I could see the fatigue on their faces by knowing Hannah and Lucas weren’t safe yet. It was bittersweet.
On his birthday, we went to our cave. Something electric happened between us. It was like we both realized all of these obstacles were gone. Felix touched me a bit more, held my gaze a bit longer, and leaned in to me a bit too much, but I was afraid that if I made a move he wouldn’t reciprocate it. Maybe something was still holding him back: the age gap, our families, the games. Then, after I made a rather awful joke he came closer to me and looked at me with a look that was both questionable and longing. I leaned in too. Our lips were salty from the water. It was sweet, that first kiss.

So sweet and gentle and he pulled back almost immediately with a stare that asked Is this okay? I nodded. More gentle kisses. Then it kind of escalated from there. We didn’t want gentle kisses anymore. We had waited years for this. I pulled him in closer, kissed him harder. I leaned back and let him be on top of me. We explored each other’s bodies like we’d never done before. The sound of the waves felt like a blanket. Under that blanket we said each other’s names. Slow and longing at first, then fast and every vowel filled with pleasure until we couldn’t take it anymore.
It was awkward after, knowing the sounds we had made and knowing that we must’ve seemed desperate at times. Vulnerable. Both red and sweaty. We didn’t do much except stroke and kiss, but the silence after was enough to be embarrassed.

I had started cleaning up the sand that was unlucky enough to be right beneath our groins, Felix got up and got into the water to clean himself and his swimming shorts. It was so quiet except for the waves. Dying inside of anxiety I did what I always do and I started thinking too much. What if things would stay awkward between the both of us now? Was it pathetic, the way I had reacted to his touch? was he disgusted by me? Did I just ruin our lifelong friendship? At that moment, I saw a crab. Thank God, something to fill the awkward silence. I turned around to him. “Oh, a Crab!” I notified him in the weirdest tone. He looked bewilderedly at me. After a second of just looking at each other, we both started laughing. He walked over to me, hugged my back and kissed my cheek. Not being able to un-feel the butterflies in my stomach I had to giggle a little bit.

After that, things got better. We got more comfortable, explored each other more, told each other what felt good. We could talk to each other during it, after it. Even before we did it, I knew what to say to him to led him on. He knew what to whisper in my ear before biting my earlobe gently. 
Even outside of sex, we got so much more comfortable just being around each other now that we didn’t have to restrain ourselves. Whenever we were alone we hugged, cuddled, leaned on each other more and talked for hours. We joked more openly and flirted. We talked about plans for the house – turns out interior design was neither of our strong suit – but we always did it in secret, because we had no idea how either of our families would react. We decided to tell them once Felix had a job and I had saved up enough for the house. 
One time when we were alone at my place we had to quickly remake the bed to make sure no one would notice how I had been kissing Felix’s neck for the last 20 minutes or so, grinding on him just enough to make him insane, but not enough to let him release. My mom had pulled up onto the driveway. She apparently had a massive migraine attack and had to come home immediately. It was a miracle that she was even able to drive. I don’t think she noticed us being red or the spots on Felix’s neck since I even had to help her get to her bed. After that, Felix went quiet. I know he was sick of hiding everything.

So yes, we were lucky, so lucky. Too lucky.
When I got home after my visit to Felix’s, I hugged Lucas and Hannah tight. They both pretended to hate it but I knew they were grateful. 

“Stop being so annoying!” Hannah said while she quickly wiped a tear from her face. She hugged me back though.

I gave my dad the crabs I caught at the cave. He was happy because both of my parents had completely forgotten to get groceries. They had been too busy stressing about the kids. Mom made us go to bed early. Even though I was a grown man now and no longer her little boy, I was still happy that she came to kiss me goodnight. It was a stressful night for all of us.

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“Stop fidgeting with the damn bow, Hannah!” I whined as I rearranged the bow in her hair for the third time this morning. It was the morning of the reaping so we had to get up early to get dressed. Hannah had on her dress, light yellow with white dots on it. A bow in her hair that she once again pulled out. 

“Ugh, I hate this bow!” she exclaimed.

Our mother sighed in response. She had on a beautiful and classy silver dress that would flow in the wind and was applying her eyeliner in our living room mirror. I still think that she took a bit of money out of our savings for it, even if she didn’t want to admit it. 

“Hannah, put it back in, please.” she ordered.

“But why?” Hannah whined, annoyed. “Why should I? Why should we? Isn’t it bad enough already that they’re sending us to our death that we also have to look pretty for it?” she said angrily.

“Hannah!” Our dad suddenly yelled. The room got quiet. I had heard Felix's father lash out at him and his sisters sometimes, which always scared me a little bit, because ours almost never yelled at us. He must've been really on edge. “That’s enough of that,” he said sternly while closing the nearby window. He looked out of it for a few seconds, hoping nobody had passed by when she said that. You never knew who listened. Even worse, you never knew who talked. He sighed, “Just put on the bow, please. We can’t be late.” 

“Right,” Hannah mumbled. “can’t be late to your own execution.” 

I put the bow back in her hair. Mom had braided it like she did years ago when she was a little girl. I had to take a second to not let nostalgia wipe me out. 

“They’re probably not going to pick you. You’re too boring and too much of a prude.” I joked, hoping it would cheer her up. Hoping it would distract me. 

“You’ll surely regret that being the last thing you ever said to me,” She responded.

I shut up after that.

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Despite our little fight at home, Hannah stayed with me and Lucas the entire way to the City Center. Forty minutes by train – there was never enough parking space over there – and then 10 minutes on foot towards a large open square full of shops and flashing lights. The shops were now closed and the flashing billboards were replaced by a live feed of the event. Hannah held my hand when we arrived. 

“Don’t worry,” I said to her and Lucas. “I’m sure they won’t pick you. Look how many kids there are.” 

Our parents hugged us all tightly before leaving to stand in the 30 to 50 age group section. I dropped Lucas and Hannah off at the 12 to 20 one. 

“Chris, I –“ Lucas panicked when he saw the kids before him get stung by a needle in their thumb. It was custom to go through security to get our fingerprints and names checked on the paper since attending was necessary. Lucas had a slight fear of needles and it was his first time having to sign up for reaping. 

I wiped some hair out of his face. “Don’t worry, it’ll just be a small pinch, and they won’t pick you, okay?” I said trying my best to comfort him.

“Okay…” He mumbled.

God, he looked so much like me and my dad, but he was so young. I ordered Hannah to take care of him before I left to stand In the 20 to 30 group. The needle stung, but not as much as my heart when I saw little Lucas and Hannah walk away. I was grateful when I saw they stood next to Felix and Olivia. I knew that whatever would happen, Felix would help them. Just like I would help him and his family if it were Olivia. I stood next to Rachel.

The Billboards showed the guests coming on stage. First, the two previous winners of our district. Dawn, a man who won a few years back, had neon green hair and a distinctive Capitol style. Ever since he won his games he more or less became a streetwear icon in the Capitol. He eventually went to live there since it was hard for him to travel back and forth for photoshoots and runways. My dad called him a traitor, someone who would sell their soul for the Capitol, but only behind closed doors, of course. After Dawn, came Soyeon. She was always seen as hard and distant, so people called her a bitch. She was the only one living at the Victors Village.

Must be lonely, I had always thought, being so far away from everyone you love.
Then, a new individual came into sight. She had bright blue hair – a wig, probably – with different color pearls in it. She wore bright pink eyeshadow and bright red lipstick. Her dress, a tutu, was blue and pink and decorated with shells and pearls. They were neatly placed so they illustrated a wave. On her fingers: shells. Her necklace: a shell. 

Well, she’s trying, at least. 

Unmistakably a Capitol employee. 

It had always been another woman who hosted and picked the winners every year. She had made it very clear that she hated the ocean and always arrived in horrible puke yellow and black outfits that were meant to make her look like a bee, but only made her pale face look washed out and older than she actually was. She probably didn’t pick our district by choice. Hosts and hostesses would rather see the luscious bamboo fields from district 11 or the big trees from district 3 which I never understood. Our ocean was a beautiful and rich blue. Then, last year, she shared the happy news that she was retiring at the ripe age of 45 – which was practically a slap in the face of Old Man Yong who was still working on his fishing boat at 68, to make ends meet. It was hard for him, having bad legs, but he had no choice. 

“Good riddance to that bee bitch,” he had said to me when I bought some fish from him in the poorer part of the city. I could technically keep any creature I fished for myself, but he had always been kind to me, and I liked his company. 

“You’ll see. They’ll send in another clown and then another. The circus never ends,” he had said. 

The woman tapped the mike with her long nails. She looked very out of place. “Hello District 9!” she said in a cheery but nervous voice. 
“My name is Hyuna. I will be your new host from now on.” She made a pose and sound that were meant to be cute. I guess she expected claps since she sheepishly waited a little bit. Someone coughed. I looked at the previous winners. Soyeon looked disgusted and Dawn looked amused. No one seemed to care for her. She cleared her throat and continued, “Well then…let’s look at the video explaining the history of Daehan! Yay!” 

She clapped a bit until the video came on.

It showed clips of the past. Our country divided in two, North and South against each other. War all the time, climate change, the end of the division and the decision that the Hunger Games would be held instead of war. Something that brought people together instead of dividing them while still bringing out justice to the rebels who disobeyed the Capitol years ago. How people’s mutual love for entertainment would keep providing us peace. These were things that you also learned in school year after year. 

She clapped again when the video ended. 

“Wow! The editing team keeps getting better every year!” She awkwardly stopped clapping when no one else joined her. 

“Well…let’s pick out our Hunger Games participants!” She cheered.

I expected the same big glass bowls which hosted all of the names of the people age 12 to 18 as every year. This year however they seemed to be decorated. The bowl sat in a big, fake, open shell, implying it was a pearl. It was pink and purple and matched Hyuna’s dress. 

“I had the bowls decorated this year,” Hyuna said cheerfully.

I looked at Felix In the other square, who looked back at me. He smiled subtly, seeming to think the same: This is absolutely ridiculous. Well, I guess she was more interesting than the bee lady.

“Before I continue, I am happy to say that I have an announcement!” Hyuna cheered.

My eyes tore away from Felix, back to Hyuna. An announcement was never good. 

“Because of the quick resolution to the games last year, president Lee Sung-soo has decided that this year the games will be a bit different,” She announced.

Different? Different how? Why? None of this sounded good. Maybe they’ll decide to send in 10 girls and 10 boys. That made Hannah, Lucas and Olivia’s chances of getting picked a lot bigger. Maybe they’ll do it times 100 or times 1000. I looked over at them. Hannah looked back at me, scared. I wished I could tell her it would be alright. Surely, out of so many kids, it wouldn’t be them. Surely it would be someone else. I looked back at Hyuna. 

“Because this year, to show the power of the Capitol and to show what can happen when the general public tries to overcome the Capitol, each district will send in two men between the ages of 18 and 25!” She waited for claps, and I waited for death.

Chapter Text

I felt all the color drain from my face. A special edition? Two men between 18 and 25?

It was true that the year before had been kind of a letdown for the Capitol. They had fast deaths; too many mutts, not enough patience but to do a special edition? Now? Good God, this was bad.

People around me were whispering, mumbling and anxiously breathing. I kept staring at Hyuna not wanting to see Felix or my siblings’ faces. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t panic. Not here, not now. The chances of one of us being drawn is spectacularly small. Incredibly small. Astronomically small. One in a million. One in a billion. One in a trillion. It wouldn’t be us. it couldn't be Olivia or Hannah and…and they couldn't choose Lucas. No, we are safe. We’re safe. I took a few breaths. No use in panicking.

Hyuna walked over to the first bowl, “The first male participant of District 9 is…” She pulled out one of the papers with her long, pink nails and played a bit with it.

My heart was racing. I guess you already know the answer.

“Bang Christopher!” she called out. I think I blacked out for a few seconds. Then, I saw my face on the big screens, confused, stunned, and maybe, a bit angry. I heard someone scream. I think it was either my mom, Rachel or maybe Hannah. I don’t know for sure.

“Ooh a handsome boy! Come up to the stage! Don’t be shy!” Hyuna half-sang as the scream died out. She acted as if this was supposed to be the best day of my life. Like I was chosen as the winner of a lottery.

I tore away my eyes from the screens and started walking, looking straight ahead at the alien blue and pink figure before me who was smiling widely and opening her arms in an embracing manner. I didn’t dare to look over at the people who loved me the most. I could see the people around me through the corner of my eyes. Old classmates, some colleagues from the boats, and people I didn’t know too well. They all looked sad, eyes full of pity.

“You can do it Chris!” Olivia’s voice rose over the crowd.

Someone else cheered. Then, someone else said it louder. More and more people joined. All of the people in the 18 to 25 section that knew me, even some of the older adults that knew me: colleagues, my family, Felix’s family, and even old man Yong. Then, people that didn’t even know me chimed in. I numbed myself, so I wouldn’t cry at their gesture. Somehow, I got up onto the stage. I don’t know how.

Hyuna tried once again to make people clap. It still didn’t work. This is fine. It’s just me. It’s fine. The fact that my siblings weren’t the ones getting picked helped me cope. I could survive. I had to. The first bowl closed up automatically. I looked at it, hyper focused, as if it would explode. As if the tacky shell closing was the most spectacular thing in the world.

“The second male participant of District 9 is…” rang out Hyuna’s voice again. I still looked at the shell. Not Felix, not Felix, not Felix… “Lee Felix!” she called out. My body froze. I felt my mouth fall open. No…

“Come on up, sweetheart!” she demanded in a comforting voice. I looked at him. Olivia hugged him and then Hannah. Then, he shakingly walked over to the stage. How many names are in that bowl? What were the chances that it’s us? Just us? I tried to look at the bowl, but the disgusting glittery shell had wrapped around it again. I looked back at Felix, his freckles and his tanned skin and fear in his eyes. People were also cheering him on. People from his school, from his taekwondo lessons, and even a few of my colleagues that he only met a few times when he walked me home after work. All cheered him on in solidarity.

Hyuna held our hands up, “Ladies and gentlemen, let the 49th hunger games begin!” After that we - me, Felix, Dawn, Soyeon, Hyuna, and two policemen - were rushed backstage into a big skyscraper building with windows that looked out all over the city. The building was usually used for business. Only on days like these, it was open to the public. Everyone was quiet except for Hyuna who blabbered on about how we were so handsome and how she could dress us up in all kinds of different clothes.I looked over the city as we went up in the elevator, numb and wondering just how this could have happened. Just as Hyuna started talking to herself about how her bowl decorations should be bigger and better next year, I felt Felix grab my hand and squeeze it once. I didn’t have to look at his face to know what he meant: “I’m here. I love you.”

“Here’s your stop!” Hyuna announced to me. I could barely understand her with the blood rushing to my ears. The policeman behind me started to push me forward. “See you in a bit!” Hyuna chirped. I could quickly look at Felix’s face until the elevator doors closed.

“Go and sit over there. You get your last goodbyes soon,” the policeman said sternly. I inspected his face: stubble beard and unnatural green eyes. Did he have any kids that could be reaped? I guess not. Being an officer of the law probably gave you some advantages.

“Didn’t you hear me? I said move!” He repeated impatiently.

I snapped out of it and sat on a chair close by. The room was big and fancy. Everything was in black and white, even the chandelier above. There was a pink vase with flowers in all kinds of pinks and blues that stood out against the harsh colors. I figured it was done by Hyuna. She must’ve not liked the black and white interior. I placed my head in my clammy hands. This was…all…too much.

“You will surely regret that being the last thing you said to me.” God, Hannah was right. I hoped she would come to say her last goodbye. My last goodbye…what do I even say? I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I had to stay strong…for them. After twenty minutes or so, they finally came. Hannah and Lucas immediately hugged me while crying. Despite my pain, I comforted them the best I could. “Hannah! Hannah I shouldn’t have said what I said at home,” I said to her.

“No, I-“ she tried to respond, but I took her face in between my hands.

“Listen to me. You’re strong, okay? And beautiful and kind and yes, you’re annoying, but you’re also my sister, and I love you,” I continued. She giggled at the annoying part, and then hugged me more before I continued, “and I love you too, Lucas. You’re going to be great. I believe in you.”

“Don’t leave. Run away,” Lucas sobbed.

“I can’t. You know I can’t. They’ll kill you,” I said. My mom and dad came to hug me too. They told me how much they loved me in between sobs.

“Your two minutes are up!” the policeman announced.

My mom gave me a kiss on my forehead, Hannah looked at me one last time before she entered the elevator, and then, they were gone. Camera’s. I can’t cry now, because of the camera’s.

Surprisingly, someone else visited me. “Old Man Yong?” I asked surprised.

“Ah,” he said with a scrunched up face, “When are you young people going to stop calling me old man? I’m young enough to work according to them.” He shot a look at the policeman, who didn’t seem to like his tone. I couldn’t help but smile at his cheekiness. He sat down with a groan. “My boy, you were my best client, so you better come back to me after the games to buy more fish!” he ended strongly.

“I don’t think I’ll be coming back, mister Yong,” I whispered.

“Nonsense! You’ll beat everyone at those games. You’re young, you’re handsome, and you have some beef to you!” he said as he poked me in my arm. “Either you or that other kid you like so much. Let me tell you son, I’ve seen a lot of those games. Some of those people are smart, but most of them are stupid. Making fires at night, not being quiet when they’re supposed to be, and trusting the wrong people, but you? You are smart. You know how to hunt. If I could bet, I would be betting on you.” I don’t know why his words moved me so much. I guess Old Man Yong liked me more than I thought. All my trips to the poorer parts of the district seemed to pay off.

“Thank you, Young Man Yong,” I told him. He started laughing, “Now don’t work your good manners on me, son! Save them for the camera, yeah?” I nodded and the policeman started telling him to move on. I felt like it hadn’t been 2 minutes yet, but Yong probably annoyed him. “Yes, yes I’m going! Oh, these younglings…rushing an old man…things aren’t what they used to be…” he complained as he stumbled off.

After that, there was another surprise: Felix’s mom came in. She knelt before me and grabbed my shaking hand. “I know I’m being selfish,” she started out, “I’ve loved you and cared for you as my own son all of these years.” Tears welled up in her eyes as did in mine. “You were always welcome in my home. That’s why I’m asking you this favor.” A single tear fell down her cheek. “That when the time comes, you will save my son. He must come home to me.” She bowed her shaking head and looked at the ground, “Please sacrifice yourself for him.”

Perplexed wasn’t the right word to use for how I felt. Maybe betrayed, but that would mean I planned on doing anything else but protect Felix. I guess there was no right word. The woman who raised me as if she were a second mother asked me to die, so her son could live. It was selfish that it hurt me. At the end of the day, he was her son, and I was not. I was her son’s friend and her friend’s son: no more or less than an acquaintance. I loved Felix, and she did too, but then again, what she asked from me was my death. The woman who kept shiny pretty fabrics that I could use for dress up on holidays asked me to die. Lucky for her, that was my plan anyways.

I nodded when she lifted her head back up. “Say it out loud. Promise me. If it comes between you and him, you would choose for him to live,” she demanded. My stomach turned.

“I promise. I promise I will choose for him to come home instead of – instead of me,” I choked up. A promise for him to live meant a promise for my family to see me in a casket. Could I really do that? Should I really do that? Should I place Felix’s mom’s wishes above my own mother’s? I didn’t know, but a promise is a promise no matter if that made me a villain or not.

“Thank you,” she said as she got up and quickly left. I got left with mixed feelings and an empty hole in my chest.

Everything went by pretty fast after that. We were ushered towards the train that would take us towards the Capitol. There were cameras in our faces flashing. I was glad I hadn’t cried before. Felix definitely did, and his eyes were puffy and red. I wanted to speak to him, tell him it was okay, but he shook his head. Not here. Not now. Some people interviewed Hyuna while we were ushered inside. “Yes, these two boys do look good. I’m sure I can make something special for them. This year is going to be a year to remember!” I heard her say as I passed her by. I took a look inside the train which wasn’t anything like the train’s from our district. It was big. Every wall and every seat was decorated with swirls of gold. In the middle of the room, there was a large copper table with every kind of food imaginable. Some of the food I’d never even seen before, but others were still recognizable from 9: calamari, salmon, sushi, fish rolls and shrimp. That’s when it hit me that I would never see my home again.

Dawn sighed and sat down on one of the couches, grabbing a bottle of champagne. He held it up to me. “For the participants?” he asked.

“I don’t drink,” I responded defiantly. Both my dad’s and Yong’s words were in the back of my mind. I had to trust the right people, and Dawn was a traitor to 9. Dawn shrugged and held it up to Felix instead, “You?”

Felix shook his head. I knew he drank from time to time at parties we went to, but I could understand why he said no in this situation.

“Where’s Soyeon?” Lix asked.

“Oh, she’s not going to travel with us. It’s just going to be Hyuna and me. Please, come sit, it will be hours until we get to our destination,” he said before instructing us to eat. I thought about denying the food first, to keep standing up, and to show my anger, but I couldn’t ignore being hungry. Better to get some extra kilos for the games anyway.

“You’re skinny. I would like you to gain a bit of weight that way when you train you can get muscles more easily,” Dawn told Felix before turning to me, “You have some muscle to you. That’s good. A fisherman?”

I nodded.

“Cool, my dad was a cook,” Dawn added, "Lots of muscles too."

“My dad’s a cook,” Felix said. “He-“ he choked up.

Dawn looked at him with some sort of sympathy and sighed, “Okay, you can cry on this trip, but not in the Capitol. They will eat you alive. You have to show the public that you’re a strong fighter.” He looked Felix up and down. “You’re pretty and cute. We can work with that.” I wanted to snarl at him for this. Yes, Felix was all of that, but to hear it come out of the mouth of a Capitol puppet who only used those words as an advantage to the Capitol was too much.

Lucky for him, Hyuna came through the doors at that moment, “Wow! They are eager out there! Looks like they love you already!” She took off her ridiculously big sunglasses that fit her blue leopard print outfit that she had changed into and sat with us to eat. She looked us up and down and then, focused all her attention on Dawn. “Plans?” she asked shortly.

“This one needs to gain weight. He’s pretty, so let’s use that to our advantage. The other one has some muscle. He’s handsome,” he said as he dipped a roll in some sauce nonchalantly as if they weren’t discussing our doom.

“Right! I’m thinking of leather,” Hyuna commented.

“They’re from a fishing district, Hyuna,” Dawn responded as he bit into the roll.

“Blue leather with silver accessories. I can already see it before me,” she said dreamily.

"Isn’t it bad enough already that they’re sending us to our death that we also have to look pretty for it?"

“How will they present themselves in front of the camera’s?” Hyuna asked. I cautiously looked at Felix and he looked back at me. We seemed to be thinking the same thing: Are they seriously discussing all of this without us?

“Respectfully, but bold as if they’ve already won and are gloating about it,” Dawn responded.

Minutes went on and they were still looking at their food, not interacting with us at all but instead bouncing ideas off of each other and discussing our life from now on: the way we would have to act and dress in front of the cameras and what we should do to escape our death.

Our death … What was the point of me listening to this anyway? My last few weeks and I had to be in the same room as people who looked at me like meat and talked about me as if I was being auctioned off. I angrily stood up, “Once you two are done discussing how to keep us alive without our input, you can find me in my room.” 

One of the help immediately led me to it.

It was a big room with a king sized bed and a mini bar. A big window looked out onto the ruins of District 10 as we passed it. The poor district had already been long gone, eradicated in the war.

I closed the big and heavy sparkly purple curtains – I briefly wondered if Hyuna had decided on them too –  and took off my shoes to lay down on my bed. Despite my anger, I did have to admit that the bed was extremely comfortable and really big. Why is everything so damn big ? It smelled like salt… No, not the bed, the aroma diffuser next to it. I sat up and looked around more, at the shells on the wall and pictures of sea life. Were they trying to make me feel at home? That’s kind at least… Maybe I had overreacted at Dawn and Hyuna. Maybe they did try their best to keep me alive, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stay alive.

“That when the time comes, you will spare my son. He must come home, to me,” Felix’s mom’s voice echoed in my head.

I don’t know which was worse: that Mrs. Lee had presumed that I wouldn’t already do that or that she basically told me to do it anyway. It didn’t matter. I wouldn’t survive this competition. These games . My family would have to get my corpse whole or ripped apart, and they’d have to grieve over my casket. I wondered if my parents ever found out, would they ever be able to forgive their friends? I buried myself under the thick and comfortable blankets. The emotions caught up to me and had made me exhausted.

I was just about to fall asleep when I heard someone come in the room, and I felt Felix crawl in bed next to me like he usually did. I put my arm around him and held him close. We had always slept like this even before we admitted our feelings: close to one another and comfortable. Opening my eyes and looking at his freckled face, I thought I’d see sadness or distraught, but Felix had a small smile on his lips – the kind I only saw when we talked badly about other people or when he was being sarcastic. 

“You caused such a stir,” he said with some twinkle in his voice.

I couldn’t help but smile in response, “Really? What happened?”

“Oh, Hyuna just went on and on about how bad mannered they both were and how they should have treated us more like guests. She had a sort of mental breakdown I think. It was really funny,” he giggled.

I thought back at how she had tried to make the people clap while she was on stage. She did seem like the type of person that would have a mini breakdown if things didn’t go her way.

“I wonder if they learn it when they’re young, manners and such. Seems like a bore,” I wondered out loud. 

“Oh yeah, probably,” Felix responded.

“I designed the bowls myself,” I mimicked her.

Felix laughed, “Everybody clap! Clap! Clap!”

Our laughter died out quickly after that. I realized just how quiet it was on this train.

Back home, when it was daytime you could always hear children playing, the canal, the sea, and the fishermen going and coming back from work. Even at night, the sea gave us sweet lullabies.

Here, there was nothing, only silence. I didn’t like it.

 “Promise me something?” Felix asked quietly after a while.

I shuddered because I didn’t want to make yet another promise to a member of the Lee family that I might not be able to fulfill. Felix had just enough chance to die as I had, unfortunately.

“Promise me that they won’t know about us. I don’t want them to use us as a sick joke or as a piece of entertainment. I…I love you too much for that,” he said.

Holding him even closer, I nodded.

From now on, everything in our lives would be shared with the public: our education, our families, our lives, and even our death, but not this, never this.

After we were rested from our nap, we raided the mini fridge. There were lots of snacks such as dried beef, cupcakes, and fruits.

“What?” Felix laughed with his mouth full of beef, “They said I had to gain weight.”

We decided it was best not to touch the alcohol though it was tempting because this might be the last days of our lives.

I was telling the truth to Dawn before: I didn’t drink, at least not a lot anyway. I only drank maybe every 4 months, but I never got wasted. I didn’t like the feeling.

Still, it was calling to me. We held on and didn’t touch a drop. The snacks were all ours though.

I checked the time. The reaping was at 10 AM, and we got on the train at 12 PM, ate lunch till 12:30 PM, and then I went to my room, and we talked and slept till 2 PM. We raided the mini fridge for an hour. That meant we only had two or three hours until dinner. I was not looking forward to seeing Dawn and Hyuna again.

“Do you think we’ll have tea time?” Felix joked, “With biscuits and sugar?”

“God, I hope not,” I responded, but just on cue, a guard came to pick us up.

Begrudgingly, we went along. His uniform and demeanor made me realize again where we were and what was happening. I didn’t like that. I wished we could go back to our raid at the mini fridge.

Dawn and Hyuna were waiting for us at the table again. There was no food this time. Dawn was staring at a piece of paper that laid before him while Hyuna got up. 

“Oh, Chris,” she said as she came over to me and grabbed my hand, “You were right. It was so rude of me to not include you in our conversation. Where are my manners? Please, sit. We will discuss everything with you two this time.”

I kind of felt bad for mocking her earlier. She did say everything very sincerely. I thanked her before we went to sit down.

Dawn frowned at the paper and then looked at me, “What you did earlier – “

“I’m sorry,” I said quickly. After all, Dawn was Felix’s only way of surviving. I had to find a way to stay on his good side no matter if I liked it or not. “I lost my cool for a second, it won’t happen again.”

He looked at me, seemingly examining me. “I was going to say that we could use that,” Dawn said thoughtfully.

“What?” I asked, surprised.

“You seemed very passionate. That’s good for the interviews. You could gain a lot of sponsors that way. Tell me, are you good with words?” he asked. 

“Oh, he’s very good with words,” Felix said, “He was on the debate team at our school, and he writes sometimes.”

I felt myself getting red because it was true that I wrote from time to time, but I almost never shared my short stories with anyone else, only Lix.

“Oh, I’m – I’m not that good,” I tried to stutter out.

“Now, now, this isn’t the time to be humble,” Hyuna said encouragingly. 

Dawn wrote things down on his paper before turning to Felix, “Right, what about you, Felix? Are you good with words?”

“Not really,” he responded sheepishly.

“He can change his voice,” I chimed in.

“You do have a very deep voice. The Capitol people will like that!” Hyuna said.

“Yes and he can make it go higher, and he can copy accents,” I continued, “and he beatboxes, and he practices Taekwondo.” That’s good. The more Dawn knows the better he can help Felix .

Felix did look a bit embarrassed that I said all of that though.

“How high and low can your voice go?” Dawn asked while writing on his paper.

After Felix showed them, Hyuna and Dawn looked at each other and nodded. “Aegyo,” they both said in unison.

“I don’t really like doing that,” Felix said a bit stiffly.

“Well Felix, do you like dying?” Dawn asked without looking up from the paper.

Felix pressed his lips together, “Not particularly, no.”

“Well then, aegyo it is,” Dawn concluded.

—-

We discussed every little detail for hours: what we should wear – Hyuna had 6 different fabrics and 4 different styles she wanted us to give our opinions on – what we should say for the camera’s, what we should eat to gain muscle, what weapons we should practice with to kill, how to use our fishing and hunting skills to not starve, the best ways to creep up on another participant and eliminate them without anyone else noticing, and so on.

Even though I slept before, when dinner came I was too exhausted to eat. Dawn ushered me to do so anyway, and I forced every bite down my throat.

Finally 9 PM came, and Felix and I went to our – separate – rooms. I took everything off, buried myself in the salt scented covers and promptly knocked out.

The Capitol: I’d only ever seen it on tv, so when I woke up and noticed that we were already standing still at the train station, I was kind of sad that I missed the view from my bedroom window. Sure, it’s filled with monstrous human beings that would love to see me get murdered live on television, but since it were my last living days I would’ve just liked to see the blinding lights at least once.

Hyuna came in to tell me to get up because we would quickly eat breakfast, and in an hour and a half, we would get bombarded with reporters and fans.

“Fans?” I asked, still half asleep.

These people had only seen me for a few minutes, how the hell did they become my fans?

“Yes, fans and supporters! Almost every contestant has them! You two are quite handsome, so I suspect there will be a lot this year! Oh, I’m so excited! Get up! Get up - oh please, wear something first for goodness sake,” she went on.

The next half hour or so, I struggled with getting the shower to run.

Back home, everything was simple: you turn left for hot and right for cold, but here in this train, there were at least 10 different buttons with different soaps and sparkles. One button actually started up some music, and I had no idea how to turn it off, so pissed off, I gave up and did my best to shower with the horrible song on loop and the glittery pink soap that weirdly smelled like bamboo.

After quickly brushing my teeth and getting in the new clothes Hyuna gave me – casual but chic black basics – I quickly went back to the main area. Hyuna seemed to be in quite a panic and was quickly patting Felix’s face down with some big sponge she took out of a big glittery box she had put on the table. He seemed annoyed at it.

“God, you are so late!” he reprimanded me.

“Sorry,” I apologized as I tried taking a croissant from the table.

“Ahem!” I heard Hyuna say disapprovingly. “No breakfast for you! I have to work on your makeup now. We only have half an hour left. Good thing we already checked your foundation color yesterday,” she said exasperated. She worked on my face for about 20 minutes. According to her, she used just the basics , whatever that meant.

I never really cared for makeup. I knew some basic terms because of Hannah and my mom, but I was never too interested in how it all worked.

After she was done, I could see that my under eyes were a bit brighter, and my skin looked glowy. My lips somehow looked bigger, my nose smaller, and my jawline more pronounced. I found it weird. “Wow, I look like a whole other person,” I stated, dazed.

“I know right! The power of makeup is amazing! Your nose was hard to work with, but don’t worry, I know a good doctor in the Capitol. I can introduce you to him if you win,” she said casually while putting her stuff away.

So casually in fact, that I couldn’t even be mad at her. Altering yourself seemed to be the rage in the Capitol anyway, so to her this was just a normal conversation. To tell her off would be like telling a child that crying was bad, but for me it was extremely awkward because I never thought about my nose in a bad way. Suddenly, I felt very self-conscious. Are my eyebrows well groomed? Are my lips too big? Does my hairstyle fit my face?

Felix, now freckle-less because of the makeup, shot her an angry look.

I shook my head slightly. Just let it go.

He seemed to understand though he wasn’t happy about it. She hummed and attached her big glittery box on her luggage unaware of our annoyances.

Dawn, who had been sitting on the couch scrolling his phone the entire time, suddenly spoke up. “Erase the makeup on Felix’s cheeks,” he ordered her.

“What?” Hyuna almost yelled, “I spent half an hour on him before!”

“Yes well, the public seems to want to see his freckles again, so wipe it off,” he said, never even looking away from his phone.

I didn’t like his attitude.

Hyuna mumbled something about manners and respect while she used a cotton pad to reveal his freckles again. Felix seemed to enjoy this little payback as she mumbled things under her breath, “So rude…all of this work…for nothing…” 

He kept looking at her with a small smile.

Finally, we were all ready and set to leave the train and go to the training center. The place where we would spend our last days. Well, I would. All dressed in casual attire, we stepped outside and faced the world.

Chapter Text

The camera flashes blinded us as we tried to pass through the many reporters outside of the train station. 
I tried to recall everything Dawn had instructed me to do: “Stand up straight, smile, and win them over.” 
Standing up straight I could do, but I still had to work on the other two. There was so much noise and so many faces around me that it was very hard to do so. Our supporters stood behind a sturdy barricade. Most were women, but there were some men. They held banners and flags and yelled at us for our attention. I couldn’t escape the thought that they were going to watch me die on live tv.

“Interact with them,” I heard Dawn say to me from behind, “The more supporters you have, the bigger survival chances.”

Another rule, but if they gave me survival tools in the arena, I could share them with Felix, so I awkwardly waved and smiled. They seemed to love it. A reporter pushed a mic in my face, “Bang Christopher from 9, what did you feel when your friends and family started cheering for you at the reaping?”

The painful memory of it nestled itself in my mind, but it didn’t matter. This was survival, so I talked to the reporter like he was an old friend.
I pictured my colleague Woong who I used to spend a few hours a week in the bar with, and who was one of the first ones to cheer for me. We would always laugh about work and life and playing darts. It helped – a tiny bit. I told the reporter how proud I was to represent my district, and how I wasn’t going to let anyone get between me and the honor of winning. I even grabbed the reporter’s arm and joked with him for a bit. All bullshit, of course. I knew that the reporter didn’t care if I lived or died, and I didn’t care one bit about the prizes and money they gave you for not dying in a horrific way by their own hands.

A policeman told me to move on, and I gratefully did. Felix was now in front of me waving and smiling brightly at supporters and reporters alike. There were many clicks around him which I was grateful for since that took the attention a bit away from me. Hyuna was her usual bubbly self, although maybe a bit more shy. Dawn was his usual laid-back self, answering questions calmly with the vibe that only a model could give.

Eventually, we got in a big black van that would bring us towards the training center.
“Wave your last goodbyes, boys,” Hyuna said cheerfully.
We all turned to the windows to wave and smile. It felt forced to me, but Felix seemed to be a natural at this. He steamed up a small part of the window with his breath and drew a little heart with his finger. They seemed to adore this. We drove away.

Dawn groaned and let his head rest. “Finally, good job everyone, yay,” he said with no emotion.

“Yey!” Hyuna cheered. We all kind of clapped awkwardly.

Remembering back to the awkwardness of the moments after our first time in the cave, I couldn’t help but think these moments felt the same. Knowing that we did things we wouldn’t normally do and that we moved like we never had. We said things you’d normally never say in any other situation. In a weird way, the awkward silence in the car – except for Hyuna, who loved the cameras and couldn’t stop talking about them - felt the same. Hadn’t I just buddied up with a reporter who might partake in betting on my life? Had I not just waved at supporters who tuned into a show that was centered around my torture? That didn’t seem like something I’d do, but I just did. I suddenly felt very alien and very two-faced. Was I a traitor now? I didn’t want to link this experience to our cave anymore.

Thank God the trip was only about 15 minutes long. I was nearly drowning in my own thoughts when I could finally get out for some fresh air and take in the view of the training center. It was tall, chrome, and streamlined. It felt cold and lifeless. I missed home.

“What do you think?” Felix asked.

“It’s, um, it’s big, yeah,”  I awkwardly responded.

“Right,” he smirked.

“Shut up,” I groaned.

“I didn’t say anything,” he whined.

Then, a bell boy groaned as he put the third big pink suitcase down next to us. “Careful with that!” Hyuna yelled. Dawn started bickering with her about how much she brought for only two weeks. Hyuna told him once again that he was very rude.

“I wish I was home,” I said softly. 

“Yeah, me too,” Felix replied.

I could see in his eyes how badly he wanted to comfort me, to kiss me just softly enough to remind me of home and to remind himself too, but we both knew that we had to spend these next weeks on the low again.

“Alright!” Hyuna sang, “Let’s go check in.”

“Like a hotel,” Felix said.

“Oh just you wait until you see your rooms and the other tributes as well, of course, but first we have to drop you two off at the beauty center,” Hyuna said excitedly.

“I thought you were the only one allowed to do our makeup?” I asked.

“Oh, men really don’t know anything. It’s more than just makeup. We have to make sure every inch of you is perfect from the brows to the toenails. Imagine if you had to be naked in the arena to take care of a wound, and you still have some belly hair. The horror!” she exclaimed.

Hyuna and I seem to have a very different idea of horror. If I had to think about a big gashing wound, I’d think about all the blood and puss that you had to clean up. I’d think of the previous contestants who often died of infections or blood loss. Most of the time, they couldn’t even say their last words. Even the Christian ones couldn’t say their last prayers to God. She, however, thought about belly hair. I thought about how some of our fishermen returned back after weeks or months at sea with a limb or an eye missing. She thought about how participants should die pretty in the arena. You couldn’t argue with this woman at all. Had she ever even seen blood up close?

“So let’s go beautify!” She sang.

“You go ahead and check us in,” Dawn said from behind us, lighting up a cigarette, “We’ll catch some more fresh air.”

We watched as Hyuna walked up the gigantic staircase, out of view.

“I don’t hate people,” Felix interrupted the silence, “but I hate her.”

Dawn rubbed his eyes. Even he was starting to get tired of her and her Capitol mindset. “We have to remember that she’s not the enemy here. Look, I was able to pull some strings. They’re not going to operate on you for anything. I made them promise not to bleach your skin either. If they do propose any of that, tell them Key forbids it on you,” he said.

“Who’s Key?” Felix asked.

“He’s the main stylist. You’re lucky I’m friends with him,” he continued.

“Were they planning on…fixing…a few things?” I asked as I thought back on how Hyuna said I could use a nose job. Suddenly, I was very glad Dawn worked with us.

“Well, the Capitol isn’t shy about their fixes, obviously. Anyhow, don’t worry about it. It took me some cash and a lot of alcohol, but he signed a contract, so his hands are tied. You’ll probably just get some laser hair removal treatment and some creams or whatever,” Dawn explained.

“Do you do this for every participant?” I asked him curiously.
I knew that a few years ago they surgically altered some fake scales on a kid from our district, and the year before that a kid from district 3 had a nose job, even though she denied it.

Dawn blew some smoke out of his nose, “Only for you two. You’re both adults, so the surgeries could be more…well, more.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dawn forgot to mention that the laser hair removal treatment was still painful as hell. I could barely stand it. It was like a million tiny needles bore into my legs, arms, armpits, chest, and face. I told them I had trouble growing out facial hair anyways, so maybe we could opt for shaving instead, but they didn’t care.

“Sorry, it’s just protocol,” Kai, one of the beauticians said.

“Okay, but Kai, this hurts,” I whined.

“You’ll get used to the pain. I do this every weekend,” he responded casually before the lasers started stabbing me again.

Afterwards, a pretty lady named Nayeon came in to trim my nails, make my skin soft, and pluck my eyebrows. “I think I’ll give you an eyebrow slit,” she suggested.
I agreed, not caring enough about my eyebrows anyways. I was glad she didn’t thin them out though. My rough fisherman hands were transformed into smooth, scar-less limbs, and she treated my lips so that they looked healthy and big.

“Okay, so now for the hair,” she looked me up and down before going back to talk to Hyuna for a bit.

In the chair looking at my reflection, I noticed that Kai was in the back looking at his phone.

“So, you do this every year then?” I asked awkwardly.

“What?” He seemed a bit surprised that I spoke to him.

“You style participants every year?” I asked again.

“Ah yes, I do. Sorry, people usually don’t talk to me. They’re too nervous,” he responded.

“I guess that’s not that big of a problem now that most of the kids are dead,” I said without thinking. I don’t know why I said that. I didn’t hate him. “Sorry. It's just…sorry.”

“No,” he said more nervously while glancing to the right as if someone had heard I suddenly felt very vulnerable.

“Nevermind,” he eventually said. I nodded back.

“I have some more numbing cream for you,” he said as he took it out of his bag and put it on the red spots on my face. “Gotta look good for the camera,” he continued. He looked at me intensely while he said it and put the cream away.

I understood, “Right, thank you.”

Then, Naeyeon came back into the room, “We’re going with strawberry blonde!”

After another hour, they were finally done with me, and a guard brought me to my flat. Each district had their own level in the building according to their number only backwards. District 12 was at the bottom and district 1 was at the top, so we were on the 3rd floor.

“Oh look at you!” Hyuna said proudly when I came into the mutual living room with big windows and big couches. Big, big, big, everything is big.

Felix had the same spots on his face as me. He was also blonde, but more natural instead of a strawberry blonde. 

“Oh, you two look marvelous!” Hyuna said as she got up from the couch to hug me, “I can see it now. No leather for the interviews! We’re going for a classic look: white shirts and a youthful vibe.”

“Not as youthful as the kids from the other years though, right?” Felix mumbled. Hyuna didn’t hear him or at least pretended not to.

“The parade?” Dawn asked calmly from the couch, ignoring Felix as well.

“Oh, it’s still leather for the parade which is tomorrow! I already have some pieces custom made by my team. Come on, let’s try them out! Come, come!” she urged.

“Let them rest first, Hyuna,” Dawn pleaded.

“Right, I’m so tired. Beautification is very draining, but you know that of course. You always look so pretty,” I said coyly. My compliment seemed to work as intended because she blushed a bit and then gave us three hours off.

“Smooth,” Felix whispered as we headed off to my room.

His room was right next to mine. Hyuna’s room and Dawn’s room were on the other side of the flat. Exhausted, I sat on my bed and took off my shoes. “Do you want to ask them for some food or whatever?” I asked. Felix didn’t answer. He was closing the curtains instead.

I was just about to ask him what he was doing when he threw himself onto my lap and started kissing me. “Calm down,” I laughed.

“No,” he said seriously.

After a few more passionate kisses, and us taking off our shirts, I pushed him back again. “What if they find out?” I asked, a bit embarrassed at the thought.

“Chris, we’re dying in two weeks, I’m horny, and you look damn good in blonde. If you think I’m going to do nothing with you for two whole weeks, you’re crazy,” he said.

With that I lifted him up and threw him on the bed. I didn’t need much convincing. “You look damn good in blond too,” I growled. Those were the last sensible words for a while.

We tried showering together after, but it didn’t last long until we started again: kissing, rubbing, and grinding. The steam seemed to make us crazier. My hand stung a bit.
Felix had been louder than usual in bed. Maybe because we were so desperate, so I had put my hand over his mouth, and he had bit me.
I had to admit I liked it. “Bite me again,” I demanded.

“What?” he asked, perplexed.

“Bite me on my neck,” I commanded.

He did what I asked, and damn, it felt good. I grabbed his hair and heard him whine. He always loved when I did that. I accidentally pushed one of the many buttons the Capitol showers had, and some music came on, not that we cared. Maybe it was a good thing because we got louder and louder until we eventually reached climax.

We stood there for a few minutes, forehead to forehead, listening to the streaming water. I traced the freckles on his shoulder, wishing this moment would never end, wishing we were back home, and wishing to be anywhere but the Capitol.

“Learned something new about you today,” Felix joked.

“Yeah,” I cringed.

He laughed and kissed my neck gently, “Let’s wash up.”

“Okay, how do we turn this music off?” I asked.

“I don’t know. You started it,” he said.

“You started it,” I mimicked back in a high pitched voice.

He mimicked me back. We pushed all buttons releasing streams of soaps and scents while joking and laughing.

“Guess they know,” I said while looking at the fresh new sheets they – policemen or staff – had laid out. “They must have heard us down the hall,” I continued.

“I guess so,” Felix said as he got as red as the patches on his face. It was adorable to see.

“Come on,” I held him and made us fall back on the bed to snuggle, “your hair is so soft.”

“It must’ve been all that extra shampoo we used. Ah, have you seen this yet? Dawn showed me after I was done becoming beautiful,” Felix said as he grabbed a remote that was sitting on the nightstand.

“You’ve always been beautiful,” I flirted.

“Charmer,” he said as kissed my cheek, “Check this out.”

After a click on the remote, the big wall next to the bed lit up like a TV. A video of a forest was playing.

“Wow, big tv, huh. Can we watch stuff on it?” I asked jokingly.

“Not that kind of stuff, pervert. Look,” he said as he changed channels: forest, mountains, fields and eventually… ”Home,” Felix said as the TV showed us the sea.

I sat up. The sound of the waves immediately brought me back to the bar, the docks, my house, Felix’s house. I looked at him. He showed the same longing on his face I felt in my heart.

“Home,” I said softly before spooning with him to watch the footage.
We watched it for quite some time.

Dawn and Hyuna didn’t say anything about our time together in the bedroom which led me to believe that they didn’t know. Though I did see a staff member look at me with a knowing look on her face. I guessed that she was the one that had changed our sheets. I was grateful for her elegance about it, but honestly, at that point, I was too wrapped up in my homesickness to even care.
We ate, and Hyuna brought us to try on some of her leather pieces for the parade. My jacket was sleeveless to show off my muscles. It was blue and had pearls to accessorize. Felix’s jacket covered him more. It was teal and cinched his waist. We looked coherent but also different enough to be unique.

Hyuna looked pleased, “Just wait until the full outfit comes together. You two will look so stunning.”

“I guess. Thank you, Hyuna,” I said. Despite everything, I’d grown somewhat fond of her in the few hours she had worked on us. Maybe it was just my need to connect with people.
“We have to remember that she’s not the enemy here.” Maybe Dawn was right. She did help us in her own, special way.

“You’re welcome!” she sang brightly.

Finally, it was dinner time. Dawn didn’t join us though. Afterwards, we basically crawled back into bed. The camera’s, the beauty center, my time with Felix, my homesickness, and trying on outfits…I was exhausted. Felix too because he fell asleep in my arms almost instantly, but I couldn’t sleep.

Listening to the waves on the big TV, I wondered what would happen to the house I wanted to buy. Who would its owner be? Would they have kids? Would they remember us from the games, or would we just be a forgettable no-name that died too quickly? If Felix survived, would he buy it? Would he think of me every time he stepped through its hallways? Would my family visit him from time to time to bring up memories? Would he find someone new that he could love and that would decorate the rooms with him? Would Hannah and Lucas look at it on their way to school remembering their big brother?

There were a million questions, with millions of answers. I went through most of them in my head and made different scenarios for them. They made my head hurt. Thankfully, we were allowed to sleep in.

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“Look at how beautiful you look!” Hyuna said softly while she directed me to the mirror. It was true. They did make me look beautiful. With good base makeup, pearl piercings, big eyeliner, wet slicked hair, blue eyeshadow, and the leather outfit, I did look amazing, but I felt miserable. No amount of beautification could hide my eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Hyuna asked, “Don’t you like it?” She said it so softly that I was scared to hurt her, so I shook my head.

“No! No, I love it. I look amazing, thank you.” Still I looked away from the mirror. My eyes were too sad.

Hyuna put her hand on my shoulder and crouched down until she was at the level I was sitting at. “You can tell me. I won’t judge,” she said sincerely.

“I guess, I just don’t want to die. That’s all,” I responded. It felt bad to say like not wanting to die was a sin that I shouldn’t admit, especially because of my promise to Mrs. Lee.

“Well, that’s what training is for! You won’t die if you train hard enough – “

“And kill all those people?” I interrupted her.

This idea seemed to mess with her brain a bit. I wondered how she looked at the games for her to not understand this simple concept. Did she not know that people died? I took a deep breath and looked back at the floor. Why did I even try to have a conversation with this woman? The games were all she’s ever known.
I forced a smile, “I’m fine. Let’s just focus on looking pretty.”

Hyuna nodded, confused.

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The waves on our carriage were beautifully crafted with different shades of blue, green, and even some purples mixed with glitter and pearls. A wooden mermaid was placed at the front. She looked fierce. The horses that would pull our carriage were pure white with pearls and nets braided into their hair. Even though the Capitol had produced so much horrible, inhumane things, you couldn't help but be impressed by their theatrical art.

“Wow,” Felix said next to me, “It’s beautiful.”

“Lee Felix complimenting the Capitol?” I smiled while I petted the horse, “Has the world come to an end?”

“I can appreciate art if I want to. It gives slay,” he responded.

I looked half confused and half entertained at him.

He waved his hand a bit, “I’m trying something new.”

“What, you want to become more gay before death?” I joked.

“Sure, why not? It’s the end of our lives. Why not try to have fun?” he responded.

I focused back on the horse. End of our lives. End of my life, absolutely. He didn’t know my promise.

“Is this horse also giving slay?” I joked.

“Okay, so maybe I hear how unnatural that sounds for us now,” he answered, “I guess I’m not that gay. Maybe I can get into disco.”

“Mmm,” I shook my head for no.

“Country?” he asked

“Eh, keep working on it,” I suggested.

“I’ll find a thing. It’ll be my thing. Everyone in the audience will be like oh, that thing? That’s Felix’s thing,” he said, determined.

“Right, being super gay was going to be your thing? And then disco or country?” I asked.

“Maybe rap,” he suggested.

“Absolutely not,” I laughed.

Staff then told us to get on the carriage. Hyuna was right, actually. We did look stunning with the highlights and wet hair look. It seemed like we came right out of the ocean with our horses. Felix seemed nervous. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it. Sometimes, back at home, I did that when we saw some fish or crab we could hunt. We had to be quiet to catch them.

He squeezed back, and then we were off. Our carriage, just like the rest of the parade, did its tour around the presidential gardens with the public on lifted up seats around us. Everyone was seated  according to their districts.

At the very front, was District 1: weapons. They were dressed in all black and looked angrily at the crowd. Then District 2: luxury goods. They were all dressed in fine fabric: a mixture of the clothes of their culture and the clothes of the Capitol. District 3: farming. Their stylists never seemed to know what to do with them. They looked like a mess. District 4: medical. I forgot about them almost immediately. District 5: nature. 
They had exotic plants and vines showing a bit more skin as they did every year. District 6: entertainment. They were bright and flashy and smiling and waving. District 7: engineering. They had lots of wires. District 8: wood. They had bark, as always. Felix and I were district 9. District 10 was destroyed years ago. District 11: bamboo. The name speaks for itself. Finally, District 12: military. It was almost the same presentation as District 1.

As we tried to look as intimidating as possible, I made a note to myself to thank Hyuna again. We were the only ones standing out besides districts 2, 5 (for obvious reasons), and 6. The crowd went wild when the presenter called our district, and the camera’s zoomed in on us. I put my arm around Felix, slouched forward towards the public and licked my lips in a sort of ‘I-don’t-care-move’ as Dawn suggested. Felix winked quickly at the crowd, but we both made sure to keep on looking intimidating. It seemed to work. I’m not entirely sure, but I think the camera’s stayed on us a little longer than the rest.

Once carriages reached a certain point, they would get a special effect on either side. When district 1 rolled past the presidential stairs, there was fire. When district 6 passed the flowers, there was confetti which they laughed about and blew handfuls to the crowd who gleefully grabbed at it. When we passed the fountain, there were streams of water. I messed up my hair pretending to get it all out, when in reality it was just a few little drops.

Finally, after 20 minutes, every carriage had arrived at the president’s residence. President Lee Soo-man, dressed in a fancy all black suit, came out for his speech. As always, he had a smile on his face. I didn’t like him. Maybe it was something behind those eyes, something sinister that showed other motives, or maybe it was the fact that he put children in an arena to murder each other and starve to death. Who knows? We all stood on the stairs facing him when he gave the same speech he practically gave every year:
“Daehan is so great! We went through hardships but found a way to deal with them because of the games, we were finally a unified nation after all.”
Blah, blah, blah… People are starving on the streets while their children are being used as sacrifices for my power. The fine print didn’t matter. Whatever.

We said goodbye to the public and rode back for twenty minutes. I got tired of standing in the open roof carriage. I wanted to go to bed, but we had to take professional pictures for the press and whatnot, so we stood around in the big open space next to our carriages with the other participants while they called the districts over one by one on speaker.

Felix had wandered off somewhere, probably looking for the food they had put out for us, so I mostly kept myself busy by petting the horses again and giving them little treats, “Good girl, you really carried us through the entire garden. What a good horsey!”

“Hello!” I heard someone behind me say. It was one of the guys from district 2. His red and black half vintage, half modern outfit was even more spectacular up close. “Sorry to interrupt,” he continued.

“Oh, it’s fine. I was just talking to Sabrina,” I said casually.

“Sabrina?” He asked, a bit confused.

I pointed at the horse, realizing that he must think I’m crazy, “I don’t really know their names, so I just named them. This is Sabrina, and that’s Haneul.”

“I see,” he smiled brightly, “I’m Dann, from District 2.” He bowed.

I bowed back, “Chris, District 9.”

“I just wanted to say that you two really made an impression in the parade today. It will be hard to catch up to that,” he said somewhat sheepishly.

“It’s all thanks to our stylist, honestly. She’s new, but she has pretty good ideas, so…” I trailed off.

“But she can’t style your cool vibes,” he said.

I had to laugh, “Cool vibes?”

“Yeah, you were really cool. We just had to focus on looking pretty, so I’m not sure if we got enough sponsors that way,” he said, a bit insecure.

“I’m sure you have. You’re handsome enough. Ah, sorry,” I quickly added after seeing him put his hand in front of his face to hide his blush.
He was cute. We both just laughed a bit embarrassed.

“No, it’s fine. Actually, I just wanted to ask you, um, what room you were in?” he continued to blush.

What room I'm in? Oh God, now I had to gently let down this incredibly cute guy without telling him about Felix. “Well, I’m flattered but um…I’m…”

“Oh, I’m so sorry. I thought you were – sorry, I don’t know why I keep on stereotyping people this way –” he quickly explained.

“Oh, no – I am! I just can’t, I’m sorry,” I tried to clarify.

“No, I understand. Bad timing, right? My district partner told me I had to do it anyways since we’re all going to die…and now I’ve ruined the mood. That’s him over there,” he pointed at his district partner.

He was a bit further in the distance obviously pretending to brush his horse, but he looked at us just a little too much for it to look real. I waved at him. He nodded and hid behind the creature, obviously ashamed of his failed camouflage plan.

“That’s Mujin. He’s a handful,” Dann said.

Then the speaker announced District 2 for the photoshoot, and we said our goodbyes.

Felix walked towards me looking flustered, “Someone put their room number and level in my sandwich when I wasn’t looking?” He held up the mayonnaise covered piece of paper.
I smiled, “Looks like we aren’t the only ones here who like disco.” I had to hold in my laughter at his confused look.

Chapter Text

“Remember what I said?” Dawn asked after we put on our black sporty training gear with number 9 and our names pinned to it.

“Don’t make them see our full power and don’t only practice with weapons,” I recited.

“Right,” he said, still looking a bit nervous, “and think about what you want to present tomorrow.”

“Dawn, I’m sure we’ll be alright,” Felix tried to calm him down.

Dawn blinked quite rapidly and shook his head. “Right, of course,” he mumbled nervously.

“Are you okay?” I asked, a bit worried.

“Oh yeah, I always just get a bit nervous around this time. Don’t worry about it,” he said.

I guess he must have thought back to when he was a participant. Training, showing off his skills to the game makers and trying to outsmart the others. I still remember his games. They were quite brutal. He only won because he was so good at self-defense.

Suddenly, I didn’t look at him as Dawn, the traitor who went to live in the Capitol to pose for different beauty magazines and various makeup products, but as Dawn, the fourteen year old kid who had to try his best to escape the much bigger seventeen year olds who had made an alliance against him. Dawn who was brought here just like me and Felix were, but at such a significantly younger age.

“That’s okay. Just try and relax a bit.” I didn’t know what else to say. What could you say to someone whose pain runs so deep even all these years later? Sorry that you almost died, but congrats, you’re still here ? I didn’t even know him really, so whatever I said could be taken the wrong way.

We went to the training level underground leaving Dawn to work out his own feelings back in the living room. 

“What a surprise,” I half said to Felix, half to myself, “It’s big.”

Shooting ranges for guns, shooting ranges for bow and arrows, combat floors, a swimming pool, practice mannequins, weights, gym equipment, and other areas where I wasn’t even sure what they were for.

“They have spears,” Felix whispered, “and a swimming pool.”

“You want to race?” I asked a bit too eagerly.

“Of course, I do! I’ll beat your ass,” Felix said excitedly before an instructor ordered us to go sit in a circle.

Not that it mattered much as we were half an hour early, so there was barely anyone else here. The only people who were earlier than us were the people from District 12 which made sense considering they probably got their ‘be-on-time’ skills drilled into them from an early age.

We talked a bit and watched as the others came in slowly. Dann and Mujin sat next to us being incredibly friendly. Despite my efforts, I couldn’t help but feel very protective of them. I just wished we’d met somewhere else.

I noticed that besides them, I’d never really looked at the competition. Only a few stood out to me. The red-haired guy in District 7 who looked a bit tired. He was handsome but had a bit of a baby face. Still, when I had looked at him during the parade, I noticed a sort of anger inside of him that you could hardly see anywhere else. There was a big bulky guy from District 4 who I believed was named Wonho and a guy from district 5 named Matthew who I remembered mostly because he had a very nice body at the parade. I had to watch out for him because he’d probably get an incredible amount of sponsors because of it. Finally, there was the military district guys whose names I didn’t know there yet, but that was about it. The rest seemed a bit uninteresting.

Be careful, don’t underestimate them.

Finally, it was 10 AM, and the instructor told us the rules and how everything worked: fighting with other participants outside of our district was forbidden. You could train with your district partner if you wanted to, but you weren’t allowed to intentionally harm them more than necessary. We were to train for two hours, then lunch, and then train for another two more hours. If you were late for lunch, you wouldn’t eat. We could use any weapon we wanted. Hurt anyone else with it intentionally, and you get arrested. Kill yourself with them, and your family would face the consequences of your actions.

We each got a pamphlet with a map of the place. There were different areas for different skills. Most were for fighting, but some were also for survival. Felix and I decided we were going to work on our survival skills first. Dann and Mujin came with us to knot tying practice. Despite making lots of nets at home to catch the crabs and other wildlife, I was never really good at it. Spears were more my thing: direct attack. Mujin’s hands moved at an incredible pace though, and soon enough, he had a collection of amazing knots and nets. Even the instructor of the area was blown away by him. 

“How did you do that?” I asked, baffled.

“Oh, I used to weave baskets back home. We had to make a lot each day, so I just got faster and faster over time. I guess knots aren’t so different,” he said casually as he shrugged.

“I guess so,” Felix said carefully.

He gave me a look, and it hit me that they might use their skills against us later on, and that we were showing too much of our skills and weaknesses. We decided it would be best to split up afterwards. Felix and I moved on towards traps and snares. I had to curse a few times because land animals were so much more difficult to catch than sea creatures for me.

“Maybe there will be bigger wildlife like antelopes. We could easily spear them, and they would give us a lot more meat than a bunny,” Felix said to cheer me up after I’d completely given up.

The only relief I had was that he was at least decent at them. One more step towards fulfilling my promise.

Next, we went to an area where we learned about different things you could find to eat in the wild.

“They’re showing us lots of fruits,” Felix whispered while we took a memory quiz on which plants and fruits were poisonous and which were edible, “Do you think the arena would be in a meadow?”

“Maybe the jungle or a forest?” I whispered back.

“Well, hopefully it will have lakes, then,” he responded.

We then spent about 30 minutes climbing some trees. I was good at it, but Felix wasn’t. I pushed down my food at lunch even though I wasn’t very hungry. We had been well fed from home, and we continued to be well fed in the Capitol, but Dawn insisted that we should gain more weight for the arena.

“That’s a problem you might face. Some of the tributes know what hunger is since they grew up in poorer parts of their districts. You two don’t know what starving feels like. Remember, in the arena that you can push through it. The more you eat now, the more reserve your body has to survive,” he had said.

Still, right now, when the only intense training we had done was climb some trees, it felt like a chore. Other participants had exercised more intensely, so they didn’t struggle with eating at all. Dann was talking about something from his district, but I only listened half-heartedly.

To be honest, I felt like we would definitely be unprepared in the arena. No matter how much we trained, we would never be ready to kill other people to survive.

The milly’s – that’s what I decided to call the guys from district 12 – were talking to each other quietly as I observed them. They had the most wins over the years and the skills to pull it off. I wondered if they had made tactical plans to take the others out but…then what? If it was only the two of them? Did they already decide who was going to live, and who was going to die? I knew if it came down to us two, I would make Felix the victor. He wouldn’t want it, but I would find a way. Maybe I would tie him up somewhere safe while I’d go out in the wild until I starved or until a creature ate me for dinner, or maybe the milly’s both wanted to live badly. Maybe they’d both fight till one of them finally looked up at the sky, lifeless. I looked at my half empty cup of water.

Half empty and half full. Life and death. Good luck and bad luck.

I feel like throwing up.

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“Dann is nice,” Felix said when we walked over towards the shooting range. He elbowed me, “Maybe you should take him up on that offer he gave you.”

“Are you saying I should cheat on you?” I asked with a laugh.

“It’s not cheating if you have my permission. We’ll be dead soon anyways,” he said casually.

“Okay, okay, look me in the eyes and tell me you’d have no problems picturing me with another man,” I said, looking at him.

“That depends,” he said deep in thought.

“On what?” I asked.

“The position - ”

I tried to make him trip before he even finished his sentence. We both laughed.

“You’re a menace, you know that?” I looked around us and gave him a quick kiss on his temple.

He acted shocked, looking around, “Scandalous!”

“Yep, that’s me, scandalous alight,” I responded.

We simmered down a bit when we reached the range.

“We should probably try to use other weapons as well,” I said, even though I immediately grabbed one of the spears.

Felix grabbed a bow and arrows. The instructor at the range helped us. I was a natural at spear throwing, of course, getting 10’s on the target. It almost reminded me of home. It would have reminded me of home a lot more if it was a cutout of a fish instead of a human.

“Wow, impressive!” one of the milly’s next to me said. His throwing knife looked almost too natural between his long fingers.

“Thanks,” I said carefully. I didn’t want to interact with them at all.

He smiled and threw the knife right into the heart of the target. I just looked away not wanting to entertain him. If he wanted a fight, he should wait until the arena.

“Come on man, be nice,” the second milly said from a bit further away.

“I’m just joking around,” the first one said back.

I looked at the name on his shirt, “Yuta, huh?”

“Yeah, the boring one over there is Johnny,” he nodded at Johnny.

I also nodded at Johnny, he nodded back, and then I went back to my practice. Yuta seemed to not like being ignored, and Johnny seemed to find Yuta very annoying.

I guess ‘ option B: fight till the death ’ was the answer in my question from earlier. As Yuta kept throwing his knives, I mentally made a note to keep a close eye on him and his skills. Spear practice was done. Bow and arrow was very hard. Throwing knives was almost impossible, but I was decent with a sword. 

“Hey,” Felix poked my side, “Do you want to go and take a swim?”

“Absolutely!” I responded excitedly.

We got to the pool incredibly fast, maybe a bit too eagerly. A disinterested instructor timed our race. Initially, we tried to take things slow, and not show off our skills to keep at least something secretive, but it was no use. We loved the water too much, missed home too badly, and wanted to have some fun in these stressful times. We were too fast, and soon enough, I looked up only to see an audience judging my skills and changing their strategies. Even Dann and Mujin looked at us curiously and a bit worried.

“Let’s get out,” I told Felix.

“What?” He hadn’t seen the audience yet.

I pointed and got closer, “We should get out.”

“…Right,” he said looking at the other participants. He sounded disappointed.

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Dawn was livid. “I thought I told you not to show too much of your skills,” he scolded us when we got back to our floor, “but I hear from other mentors that you’ve been getting 10’s at throwing spears, making perfect knots, and swim faster than a fucking shark.” His eyes were a lot bigger than they usually were, and I couldn’t help but imagine him as a cartoon.

“Not all sharks swim fast,” Felix mumbled, embarrassed and annoyed.

Dawn paused for only a slight second. “I don’t give a fuck!” he responded angerly.

“You talk to the other mentors?” I asked, a bit surprised. I don’t know why I was. Dawn had been a mentor for years, so of course he had his connections.

“Of course I do. They’re good friends,” he responded.

It felt like a slap in the face. The man who had been helping us really was a Capitol mutt through and through.

“So they got a bit carried away,” Hyuna said calmly from the couch, her blonde glitter extensions shining, “At least, now the others know not to mess with them.”

“I hope so,” Dawn said angrily, “I hope they fear you instead of putting a target on your back .”

I put my head in my hands. Dann and Mujin knew our skills: a step backwards. Felix was good at bow and arrow: a step forward. The milly’s knew I was good at throwing spears: a step backwards. The general public seemed to love Felix: a step forward. Matthew would probably get the most sponsors: a step backwards. Everybody knew how well we could swim: a step backwards. There might not be any water: a step backwards. We might die of starvation: a step backwards. Every step forward felt like it had 5 steps backwards. By this rate, I would never keep my promise.

“Just go to your room and think about what you’ll do tomorrow to get a high score,” Dawn ordered us.

“Won’t you help us decide what to show the judges?” Felix asked softly.

“Do a handstand if you want to. I really don’t care!” Dawn yelled.

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The scoring meant you were to present some skills towards judges, mostly game makers and some other big shots at the Capitol. The president wasn’t part of it. He never was. They would score you depending on how well your execution was.

The highest a participant ever scored was 19/20 by some girl from District 7. Since everything except the score was secret, we actually never found out what she did. She died anyway; stepped on a landmine.

The higher your score is, the more chances at sponsors you get which could help me help Felix which is why I was rattling my brain all night trying to find out what I should show. There probably wouldn’t be a pool, so swimming was out of the question. I could throw some spears, but was it enough to impress strangers who had already seen so many participants over the years? There wasn’t really anything else that I was really good at, so I decided on it anyway which felt like such a stupid choice when I walked in the big open room the next day. 

Most of the people were looking at me through the glass in front of me. Some were eating and chatting. Their many eyes inspected me up and down, and despite being fully clothed in the same type of workout clothes as the day before, I felt naked.

“Hello,” I said awkwardly, “Bang Chris, District 9.”

Nobody responded. Some smiled kindly, yet others looked at me with disgust. I cleared my throat and walked over towards the weapon stationary except walking felt alien, my hands were shaking, my mind felt fuzzy, and my breath seemed louder than normal.

Okay. Okay, it’s fine. It’s just practice.

The spear felt weird in my hand, but I somehow managed to throw it at the dummies. Some spears were straight in the heart, and others in the head. Some of them, I also missed horribly.

I missed . I missed it .

My twenty minutes were up way too soon, and I was allowed to leave.

“I missed,” I said shakingly when I got back to the floor, “Not all of them, but some of them.” Felix rubbed my back in comfort. I must’ve looked awfully distressed.

“Did you get some hits, though?” Dawn asked.

“Yeah, a few in the heart and the head,” I whispered.

“That’s good. Don’t worry about it too much,” he said kindly. He was easier than the day before, more empathic to my struggle.

It only made me feel more awful because it wasn’t fine at all, and I should worry.

“I’m sure you will get lots of sponsors!” Hyuna said cheerfully, “You two stood out at the parade, and Felix’s foggy heart went viral on almost every social media and the news. They all love you!”

“Sure,” Felix said shortly.

“Thank you, Hyuna,” I said friendly. Like it or not, these were my last days, and I didn’t want to spend them cussing her out.

“Now, rest up. It’s interview day in three days, and Yoo Daejoon is out for blood,” she reminded us.

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Sitting in the waiting room for the interview was nerve wracking. We watched on the big screen as the first contestant of District 1 had his interview. He was quite charismatic talking about various types of guns and making the host - Daejoon - and the audience laugh quite a lot. He used a lot of physical comedy. He actually fell to the floor at one bit and rolled around which the audience seemed to love. It was a bit funny, but I couldn't help but think that we were really just their entertainment. I only managed to snap out of the TV when Dann tapped my shoulder and asked me something that I didn't process.

“What?” I asked as I looked away from the screen.

“You know, the judges?” he asked, “What did you show them?”

Blinking to get back into my thought process helped me to answer the question, “Oh, I just threw some spears,”

Felix joined the conversation, “Me too,”

“Cool, I just waved a sword around. I don’t think they liked it very much,” Dann said.

Our points would be revealed at the end of our interviews, so we and the audience could have a live reaction. This did mean that we were all on edge. Honestly, I always thought that they did it that way so that they could raise or lower the points based on how much they liked us.

“What did you do?” Felix asked Mujin.

Mujin, next to Dann, got a dark look on his face, “I just weaved something. They didn’t like it,”

The audience cheered when the first participant got a 14/20. He stood up and bowed thankfully with a big smile while Yoo Daejoon created more ambiance. I wondered what he did to get that number, besides being funny.

One by one, more participants went to their interviews. Dann’s score was 11/20, but Mujin’s was 2/20: the lowest score ever.

Daejoon was ruthless. If you weren’t interesting or smart enough to talk with him, he became passive aggressive and downright mean. One guy from district 4 had a little breakdown and started crying. The other guy, Wonho, was shy but very confident in his answers. He was kind of funny and very muscly, so I guessed he would get immediate sponsors as well. Matthew was funny and charming, but the red-haired boy was quiet. He spoke in short sentences and seemed angry.

Who isn't?

Daejoon tried to get under his skin, but he remained calm and collected. All too soon it was Felix’s turn. “Wish me luck?” he asked nervously.

I wanted to kiss his cheek, but the participants from 11 and 12 were still in the room with us. I was sure the audience would love Felix being dressed in a casual yet fancy white shirt and blue pants. His makeup was minimal, but his personality was cute and bubbly like Hyuna taught him.

I squeezed his hand, “Good luck!”

Off he went. I was right. He did really well.

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The yellow chair was incredibly big. That was the first thing I noticed. Well, that and the lamps giving off so much heat. My makeup was melting - maybe it was just my nerves or maybe everything did melt off and people were laughing at me, I would never get sponsors, and I would die the first day of the games. Maybe I would sink in this big leather chair, and it would swallow me whole as if it were alive. Lots of maybes. It took me a while before I heard what Daejoon was saying after the audience’s claps died down.

“Well, well, Chris from District 9.” His big sunglasses hid his expressions, but he was laughing a bit. “Nervous, son?” he asked after I took too long to answer him.

“Just a little bit,” I joked.

The audience laughed. It was time to get into my role. No room for error now.

I positioned myself upright, so I looked more comfortable and confident than the mess I felt inside. “First time I’m presenting myself to such a grand audience,” I continued.

Lots of laughs and ‘ aaaawwwws’ from the audience emerged. I felt a slight tingle in my head and the heat on my face and…something bizzare happened. I felt strange like I wasn’t myself anymore.

The person that sat on the big yellow chair joked around. He flirted with the audience and even with Daejoon and was confident, while I seemed to be watching from the sidelines. My brain felt like mush, and I forgot what I had said the very second I said it. In the back of my mind, I got scared. Of what exactly, I wasn’t sure, maybe myself. Whatever it was, it was probably bad, but it was also the only way I could survive.

When the interview ended, I left towards my room. I couldn’t remember a word of what I had said, only that I didn’t want to feel that way ever again.

Hyuna immediately stood up and cheered when I walked through the door of our level, clapping excitedly,  “12 out of 20! Oh Chris, you did wonderful as always! The way you told that story about your brother was heartwarming!” Hyuna squeaked while she kissed my cheek, “Was it really true? The whole thing?”

“Oh, I don’t…I don’t remember anything that I said. Must be the nerves,” I awkwardly laughed. Was it the nerves or did my brain finally collapse due to stress? I knew deep down something worrisome had happened, but what?

Felix’s hand squeezed my shoulder. He must have felt my anxiety. He must have seen that I hadn’t been myself. “You know what, I think we’re both tired. We’re just going to rest up. We have another photoshoot tomorrow, right? Better get our beauty rest,” he said, a bit exaggerated so that Hyuna would let us go - but not before promising that we would celebrate later on.

 Grateful for the break, I followed him to my room. I let him undress me, put me in pajamas, clean my makeup off, and take off my jewelry. Some part of me felt guilty again.

I should take care of him . That’s always been my goal: to take care of people. To take care of my mother when she was sick, my brother when he had school problems, and my sister when she had boyfriend problems. That was me. It should have been me. Feeling too tired, I let him tuck me into bed and massage my shoulders.

He had put on the ocean videos which helped ease my mind just a little bit. “It’s a lot, isn’t it?” he asked softly as he laid next to me, “The interviews…the shoots…” he continued massaging me.

“My mind feels scrambled,” I said numbly, “Like I’m not myself, but…I don’t think we have time to unpack that.”

“I guess not,” he said as he gave me a kiss on my shoulder, “I think you have the best shot between us to survive.”

I didn't respond to him.

“I think…I think it would be better if we both went our separate ways in the arena...maybe even just from now on,” he continued.

I pushed him away and sat up. No! This wasn’t the plan . 

I was going to make sure he survived no matter the cost, but he cut me off when I opened my mouth, “Nothing you say will change my mind. If you try to follow me in the arena, I’ll just run away from you.”

“But why?” I asked, distraught, “I would never hurt you!”

“That’s exactly why. I don’t want to hurt you, and you don’t want to hurt me. What if it came down to the two of us? What if we have to fight one another? What if we lose each other before our very eyes?” he asked.

“Then, I will kill myself,” I answered easily.

“And let Hannah and Lucas deal with the consequences? The punishments?” he asked.

There was nothing that I could say that wouldn’t make me be a monster. Maybe I already was because I couldn’t protect everyone. I had to kill people, and I had to sacrifice someone to save another. How cruel. Felix had to be protected, yes, because I had made a promise, but my family had to be protected as well, and I knew I couldn’t protect Dann and Mujin either. Leaving them behind though? Making them survive on their own? Even the thought of Felix all alone, hungry, lonely, and wounded made me feel like my world was crumbling. How exactly did the victors from previous years deal with all of their choices? Their roads not taken? Save one life, lose another.

“You can’t save everybody,” he said softly, “You know that this is for the best.”

“But I love you.” The words came out as a plea. As if begging for something to change and help us. I felt tears well up in my eyes.

He started crying as well, “I know, and I love you too, but we have to do this for home.” He took my hands. “For home,” he repeated.

Chapter Text

Dawn had told me that it would be better for us to train separately. He said that if we did end up having to fight each other, we would both have skills the other didn’t know about, not that I would ever use them against Felix. Whether or not he would use his against me was up to him. At least one of us had to survive, go back home, and bring honor to the district or whatever, so the next days were about strategies, plans, skills, weapons, and training.
Training, training, training. It made my head hurt and sometimes, late at night, I got that feeling again that I wasn’t really here. I was somewhere else. Then, I stared at the ocean on my wall until my eyes teared up from exhaustion.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

It was training time again, and Dann was just sitting down against a wall with his knees against his chest, in thought.

I went to sit next to him, “Shouldn’t you be out training?”

He didn’t look at me, just gave a faint smile, “What’s the point, really?”

“I’d say survival is the point,” I said in response.

He finally looked at me with a look of a man that had absolutely given up, “Only one person from my district has survived in all these years, and he did it by being charismatic and smart. I’m neither of those things and I’m not strong either.”

“So, that’s it? You’re giving up? Just like that?” I asked, surprised.

“Yes,” he said, giving me a thumbs up and a smile like he just decided on his favorite ice cream.

“You could stay with me during the games, you know. I’ll keep you safe,” I said. 

“Keeping me safe until you kill me?” he questioned.

“Keeping you safe until there are, like six of us left maybe. Then, we will part ways and see who survives,” I answered.
It was a bleak and unrealistic solution to a horrible problem, but maybe, it would give us some hope. At least Dann would have a shot.

Dann looked amused for a second, but then he turned somber. “In 2, when participants are called out, our band plays our Death March,” he said, “because they know that we don’t come back, so they send us off with some dignity...kind off. A last goodbye to our district. The marching band is clothed with the finest of silk and the most decorated instruments. Paid by the citizens, of course.” He nodded in defeat, “Does that give you a lot of hope for my survival?”

I didn’t know what to say to this, so I just sat there next to him in silence for a long while.

“I think you can win,” he eventually said.

“Why me?” I asked.

“Because you’re strong. You know how to find food, and you have that look in your eyes,” he said looking at my eyes.

“The look of a killer?” I asked.

“The look of a survivor. You know what you’re fighting for,” he responded.

I shrugged, “Well, everybody else here has families, partners, and a dream life that they want to live.”

“Yes, but not everyone here is ready to kill for it,” he got up, “In the arena, don’t look for me. You can’t protect me.” With that he left.

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Honestly, I was sick of training, so the remaining days, I just spent hanging out with Dann and Mujin who also seemed to have given up. No matter how much I tried, I just couldn’t imagine my own district basically telling me I’d die immediately. At least my friends and colleagues cheered for me when the time came. No wonder they gave up so fast. Besides all of the gloom, the duo were actually really funny, especially Dann, and he was cute too. I’m not sure if it was his flirting when we met or Felix’s pushing from before, but I started thinking more and more about his offer, even more so when he put his hand on my arm while laughing, and we shared a brief look that Mujin pretended to not have seen while he drank more from his soju.
Normally, the contestants weren’t allowed in the cafeteria when we were supposed to be practicing, but the staff didn’t care since there were only three days before the games would start. Whatever the contestants wanted to do now, it would be their own choice, and it would reflect in the games as well.

“Well, I’m done with this crap,” Felix said as he came into the cafeteria and let himself fall on the chair next to Mujin. “If that damn instructor tells me how to shoot an arrow in that tone one more time, I will shoot it through his head.”

“That was a joke!” Dann said cutely to the bartender when she turned to us, shocked. “You’re doing a good job, thank you ma’am!” he continued as Mujin held in his laugh, having had a bit too much alcohol already.

“How did you know we were here?” I asked Felix.

He sighed dramatically and rested his head on the table. “I didn’t. I just had to get out of there, really. I’m so sick of it. That Wonho guy? He’s insane. I’ve tried looking at how he works out, and I almost fainted when I tried his routine. These people are crazy,” he said, exhausted.

“Yup,” Mujin said as he took another sip, “crazy and murderous.”

Just then, an angry voice called out for our friends.

“Oh shit,” Mujin blurted out as their mentor walked towards them in anger and pulled back their chairs.

“Up! Now!” He looked scary, intimidating, and angry. His voice resonated through the room. He pulled them by their arms and pushed them towards the door, “Get to training!”

Dann turned back to say something, but their mentor gave him a look that made him quickly walk out.

“I see you from here!” their mentor warned as he went to stand by the big window that looked out on the training courts.
The woman that was with him stood next to him as well.

“These kids, man…” he mumbled to her.

After a few seconds he looked back at us. “What?” he asked shortly.

It was only now, when he stood still, that I recognized him, without his makeup and in casual clothes. The only winner of District 2 ever, Woo Zico. We quickly bowed to him. He and the woman bowed back shortly.

“You’re Dawn’s kids?” he asked softer, but still annoyed.

“Yes, sir,” I said as he nodded.

“Go train,” he commanded.

We bowed again and quickly went outside.

As I stepped outside I could faintly hear him speak to the woman, “Hyolyn, they’ll never make it like this.”

The woman replied back, “I don’t think they’re trying to.”

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I don’t know what it was about Zico and Hyolyn’s words that fired me up, but I did my best to train again for the rest of the day.
Once in a while, I looked back at them, seeing how they kept a close eye on the District 2 duo who seemed to hate that.

“It’s not fair,” Felix said while we were doing sit-ups, “These are our last days. We all should be able to do whatever we want.”

“They’re just trying to make them survive,” I said, thinking of Dawn.

“What’s the point? You can die from anything and everyone in the arena. We should just enjoy the time we have now,” Felix argued.

I stopped my exercise and laid down on the floor, exhausted. Felix stopped too.

“We really are almost going to die, huh?” I said, defeated.

“Three days,” Felix responded.

“Three days,” I repeated.

We caught our breath for a few moments.

“What do you want to do?” Felix asked.

“I don’t know, spear throwing maybe?” I responded.

“No, like, what do you want to do? What do you want to eat? Where do you want to go for your last few days?” he asked.

I put my arm under my head. What did I want to do? I wanted to go home, hunt on our beach, and forget this whole thing ever happened, but I couldn’t do that. “I don’t know. What do you want to do before we die?”

“I want to eat beef wellington and fuck,” he responded, and we laughed.

“Those are your last requests?” I asked, giggling.

“Yeah,” he responded.

I sat upright, “Really?”

“Maybe some caviar too,” he said as he sat up as well, “I do wish I could have my dad’s hummus again, but…I guess this will do, oh, and the bread.”

“The bread?” I asked.

“The Capitol bread? Best bread I’ve ever eaten,” he said, and I laughed again.

“So your last wishes are beef wellington, caviar, hummus, bread, and sex?” I clarified.

“Yeah, what else do you need?” he asked.

“Right,” I punched his arm lightly, “well let’s do all of that tonight then.”

“You haven’t told me what you want yet,” he said.

I looked at my hands. The hands that carried so much fish over the years that had been scarred before the beautification center got a hold of them. The ones that almost got me the house I wanted for us both. “I want to go home, but that’s impossible,” I sighed.

A few seconds of silence fell between us. I heard the whistling of the arrow a few meters away. As I turned my head, there he stood, obviously annoyed by having to practice despite having given up. He must have felt me staring because he smiled, and I looked back at my hands.

Felix punched my arm playfully. “So?” he giggled.

“So what?” I asked as I looked at his mischievous face.

“Are you going to take up his offer?” Felix asked.

“Maybe,” I answered.

“Maybe?” he asked.

“Maybe,” I repeated.

“Great! That can be part of our plans tonight then,” Felix said excitedly.

“Our plans, huh? I wasn’t aware you wanted a piece of the action, too,” I said amused.

“He’s handsome, and it’s the end of the world,” Felix said.

“We’ve never had a threesome,” I thought out loud.

“Well, it’s now or never,” Felix said as another arrow was shot by Dann.

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Now or never indeed. Forget never having had a threesome and forget being awkward. Dann had enough experience to go by. He helped us position us, and he told us exactly where to touch, where to kiss, and where to bite.
“Damn,” I panted as he ordered Felix to kiss his neck and for me to take him while he laid on the bed, “you sure know what you want.”
“Oh, I know exactly what I want,” he smiled for a second, pulled Felix closer, and patted my back as a sort of go sign, all without even opening his eyes.

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The clock ticked on and on.
5 hours, 46 minutes and 34 seconds.
That’s how long we had until the games started.
34 seconds. 33. 32. 31. 30. 29. 28. 27. 26. 25. 24.

I forced myself to look away from the big green screen. The training center, which was usually loud, was eerily quiet. Every participant was allowed to choose whether or not they would train today, but no one did, not even Wonho who was laying down on his back looking at the ceiling, or the milly’s who were slowly walking back and forth. The four of us were also just sitting down against a wall seeing how the time passed by slowly, so slowly. I heard Dann muttering prayers next to Felix again. He did that around every ten minutes.

“Are you praying again?” Felix asked quietly.

“Yeah,” Dann responded.

“Can I join?” Felix asked.

“Sure,” Dann agreed.

They took their hands and prayed. Mujin had been weaving for the last two hours next to us. We weren’t supposed to take anything from the booths, but the instructors didn’t care, or maybe they did because when he got more rope two hours ago, she looked at him like you would look at a malnourished abandoned dog you would find in a shed somewhere that you just knew wouldn’t survive.

The other guy from district 4, on the other side of the room, started throwing up, and one of his two mentors came to take him away.

“Is that the needle guy?” I whispered to Mujin.

“No, The Demon is much taller,” he responded.

“Good, he creeps me out,” I said.

“Yeah, everybody saw his interviews. They re-air it every year. I wonder where he is. Shouldn’t he be looking out for his participants?” Mujin asked.

Zico, who had been silently standing next to us for some time now, spoke up, “He has a name.”

Even Dann and Felix stopped praying because they got startled by the loud sound.

Zico awkwardly cleared his throat. He probably didn’t mean to be so loud. “It’s Seonghwa, and he’s on his floor calculating as always.”

“Well, as long as he stays there, I’m good,” I muttered.

Zico gave me a look, “You do know that when you win, you become a mentor yourself?”

“Yes, but I won’t be like that. Never like that,” I said.

“Hmm we will see,” Zico said thoughtfully.

I didn't like how he looked at me. “I’m not crazy,” I said in defense.

“Don’t jinx it yet,” Zico said.

“I won’t murder people in cold blood,” I argued.

“Did you think that was in cold blood?” Zico asked.

“Did we not watch the same footage?” I asked, getting more annoyed.

“Easy, I’m still your elder. Be respectful. Anyway, we will see when you have to survive. What you will do is up to you,” Zico said.

Easy, I won’t survive, so I don’t have to kill people without a trace of remorse.

Zico left.

“All of these guys are friends,” Dann whispered, “I’ve seen The De…Seonghwa talk to Zico a few times.”

“Just call him The Demon. He doesn’t deserve a name,” I said in anger.

“I think we should stop judging these people,” Felix said, “They went through the same thing as us, didn’t they?”

“Yeah, except some of them killed the others with dignity, and others took a needle or a knife and got real crazy with it,” Mujin said.

It was true. Besides The Demon, there were others who took things a bit too far. One victor, Boa, got real up close with her knife. Soyeon herself killed everyone in cold blood when her sponsors got her the most expensive gift ever in the games: a machine gun.

I started realizing that I was glad that Dawn helped us instead of her. He had his own issues, and just like Zico, was friends with the even crazier victors, but he did manage to pull us through somewhat decently.

5 hours, 23 minutes and 55 seconds. 54. 53. 52. 51. 50.

I put my head in my arms on my knees. I faintly heard that someone did try out the archery station again. Felix put his head on my shoulder as well, so I sat up straight again. This wasn’t the time to be giving up. I needed to focus.

The sound of Mujin’s weaving faded, “Can I ask you guys a request?”

“Sure,” Dann said.

“If any of you win and do the victory tour, can you tell my brother that I’m sorry for breaking his XBOX?” Mujin asked.

We were silent and a bit baffled at his weird request. “I mean, sure?” Felix said.

“It’s kind of a running joke between us. I broke his xbox years ago, and he keeps saying it to me when we argue or bicker. I’m sure he’ll love the reference once he stops crying,” Mujin said.

“You have a brother?” I asked.

“Yeah, my baby bro. He’s three years younger,” Mujin responded.

“Yes, we will,” Dann promised.

Mujin went back to his weaving, and I went back to being an anxious mess.

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With shaking hands and shifty eyes, “Remember what I taught you,” Dawn said as he helped me prepare in my final moments before the game, “and remember what you learned from the instructors.” He straightened up the collar of my uniform; something he had already done five times by now. “I’ll try my best to get you sponsors, but you have to give me something to work with too. Be entertaining. Be smart. Be better.”

“Dawn…it’s fine,” I tried to calm him down.

“Sure it is. You’re strong and resourceful. You’ll be fine,” he said, more to himself than to me. He hadn’t looked me in the eyes once. He took the fabric of my uniform between his fingers and rubbed it once more. We both recognized it.

“Diving material: there will be water. That’s a big advantage,” he had said that about three times by now.
I just let him. No use arguing minutes before the games. Saying goodbye to Mujin and Dann had been hard and saying goodbye to Felix had been devastating. Saying goodbye to Dawn was even more so because I couldn’t do anything to not make him feel guilty for my death. 

Wondering how the other mentors felt, I quickly thought back of some happy memories: picking Lucas up from school, helping my mom in the garden, and laughing with my friends about some stupid joke. They would be fine without me, or at least, I hoped that with all my heart.

“One minute until launch,” the speakers announced.
Dawn froze, still grabbing my arm and looking down.

“Dawn, thank you,” I said firmly before pushing him away gently, “I mean it, thank you.”

He nodded, but still didn’t look up as I got in the big tube that would launch me up the arena.

We had traveled here in a Heli unable to look inside of the big dome we saw outside the window. Whatever laid within was anyone’s guess, but there was water: advantages again. This was another step in the right direction.

“Thirty seconds until launch.”

Everything was so silent. Should I try to pick up Dann, Mujin, and Felix on the way? Even when they told me not to?

“Twenty seconds until launch.”

Zico was wrong. I wouldn’t go crazy there no matter what I saw. No matter who died. I had morals and goals to work towards.

“Ten seconds until launch.”

“Don’t eat anything you didn’t learn about!” Dawn said suddenly, “and run away from the others. Don’t go for the backpacks!”

I wanted to respond, but the tube closed up, so I just gave him a thumbs up and a half hearted smile.

“Launch.”

Then I went up. It was merely a few seconds, but it felt like minutes. Dawn was gone. The sun shined brightly, and I had to shield my eyes while the announcer counted down from a minute again.

When I put my hand away, and my vision adjusted towards the light, I couldn’t help but give out a small, somewhat crazy laugh. Dark Green waters, big trees, lots of roots, damp atmosphere, and water. Water everywhere. “It’s a swamp!” I said louder than I intended to.

“Fuck you!” I heard Yuta yell back.

Chapter Text

To make it harder for us, everyone was scattered on smaller, circular platforms, so unless we found our allies in less than a minute, we were basically on our own until we found each other elsewhere in the arena.

I looked around. Yuta was only a few blocks away from me, and he looked pissed. On each side of me – about a meter or so away – was the scared man from district 4 and someone from district 1. That was fine. The guy from district 4 probably wouldn’t be much of a threat, and the guy from district 1 looked intensely at the backpacks of supplies and food that laid in the middle of our perfect circle. I had to look out for Yuta, and I had to find Felix. There were forty seconds left until we were allowed to move. Felix was far from me, so I wouldn’t reach him in time. Next to him was Dann, so I was a bit relieved that he wouldn’t be on his own. As I looked at Dann, he looked back at me and shook his head.

Right, I'm not allowed to take him with me.

I couldn’t find Mujin.

Ten seconds. Okay, okay, look around. Big trees everywhere…good for climbing. Green water all around us. I’ll have to swim. Swim towards the trees, not the backpack. Five seconds. 4. 3. 2. 1.

The start signal beamed. I dived into the water and swam away as fast as I could, but the shore was far, and there was chaos all around me. As I arrived and caught my breath, two cannon shots – signaling someone died already. Quickly, I got up and took a sharp turn left to get around a tree; just in time, because a throwing knife plunged into it. I didn’t have to turn around to know who had already put a target on my back, so that means most people have already gotten their supplies, including Yuta. Taking the knife with me, I quickly moved on deeper into the swamp.

I ran for what I thought was forty minutes before finally taking a break, feeling my sides sting. As I leaned against a tree, two more cannon shots sounded, so four people were already dead.

Please don’t let it be them. Please just give them a chance.

If one of the deceased were Felix, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. I might as well have died in the water, but I was alive, so I had to choose what to do now.

What should I do? What do I need? Water, supplies, weapons, food, and shelter. Okay, the swamp water was probably not safe to drink, so there was probably a water filter in the bag. What else? A sleeping bag, probably some food, maybe some rope, and some matches? I needed a weapon. The knife was still in my hand, but it was small and light. Thanks for nothing, you bastard.

Walking a bit further, I found a big stick on the floor. I lifted it up, weighed it and swung with it a few times. This will do, I guess . Wondering if Dawn approved of what I was doing, I headed back to the middle.

Humans couldn’t survive without water for very long, and I was already thirsty, so I needed that backpack. The swim back was already hard, even with all of my years of training, and I wasn’t sure, but I thought I had seen something move under the water. As fast as I could, I reached the shore again and hid myself in some bushes. There would be more people that still needed backpacks, and I didn’t want to meet them. As I looked back at the water, there were some ripples. Whatever had been swimming there was gone…I hoped, so I moved forward again carefully and silently.

Eventually, I reached the backpacks, but I still had to be careful. From the bushes, the backpacks seemed so close and just in reach. A means to survive, but I had to listen and see. Indeed, when I pulled my eyes away from the backpacks, I stared into the eyes of another participant. He was hiding in the bushes as well,  just across from me. Just like me, there was a backpack so close to him and so in reach. He looked scared, so I knew he probably didn’t have a weapon, but still, we stayed in our spots looking…waiting… My heart was beating too loud.

Minutes passed, and eventually, he moved slowly: very, very slowly out of the bushes, grabbing the backpack and moving back in the bushes walking back away from me with his hands in the air and not letting me out of his sight. When he was far enough, he turned around and sprinted away. A I steadied my breath, it didn’t escape me that he could’ve easily grabbed whatever weapon was in there and kill me. I had been spared.

After checking my environment one last time, I grabbed the pack and sprinted away myself. There was some dried beef, a water filter, some candy, one piece of rope, a sleeping bag, a knife, and a sword, but no matches. I sighed. Tonight was going to be cold. I put the backpack on, tied the knife to my belt, and moved on to find a good tree to climb. It was getting dark, and I’d rather not be on the ground when night fell. Who knew what kind of mutts the Capitol would send – I stopped dead in my tracks because on the tree in front of me was a…chameleon? Except it wasn’t, not really. Its head was flatter. Its eyes were less bulgy, but the eyes… They were big and brown: human eyes and they looked at me curiously. Then it showed its human teeth. It had a large grin.After that, it scattered away into the tree.

Moments passed and I still stood there, nailed to the floor. I didn’t even realize my mouth had fallen open in surprise. If someone had aimed an arrow at me right then, I would’ve been dead. If the creature had been vicious, I would’ve been dead. If another mutt found me, I would’ve been dead. I forced myself to walk. One foot first, then another walking away from the freakish half-human creature in the tree that stayed on my brain.

After walking like a robot for a long while, I finally settled into a very high tree. Using the rope to tie myself to the branch, I nestled in my sleeping bag and drank from my filtered water. This game was going to be long .

After I got cozy – as cozy as you could be in a big tree – the anthem played. That meant it was time for us to see who died. The sky showed us the hologram of the nation’s logo and then the faces from the last district to the first. One guy from District 11, someone from 5, the scared guy from 4, and then, there he was with his soft features and a face that hadn’t given up yet: Dann. The hologram and the music went quiet, and the silence came back to the arena. I buried myself deeper in my bag, but I couldn’t cry. I shouldn’t, not yet. The time for mourning wasn’t now, so I silently said goodbye and fell into a dreamless sleep.

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The day after, I found some fruit, but I wasn’t sure if it was really edible. It was green, round, and it kind of looked like an apple. I thought that I had maybe learned about them in the training room, but I wasn’t sure, and I was too scared to try. Thinking back to the mutt I saw before, I got an idea. I put one of the strange fruits out on the ground while I hid in the bushes for quite some time snacking on the dried beef to satiate my hunger.

After an hour and a half of extreme boredom, I thought about giving up, just trying the fruit out, and hoping I wouldn’t get poisoned, but the creature came to the fruit right before I wanted to get up. I looked at it intensely. It smelled the fruit, touched it carefully with its paw, and then nibbled on it.

After it ate everything, I still observed it thinking that maybe it would gag, throw up, or drop dead on the spot, but it didn’t. It seemed content and waddled away.

Smart. I’m so smart. I giggled. God, the situation probably really got to me. Maybe Zico was right. No, I’m not insane. I’m just happy. No, not happy. Relieved. Carefully, I ate a little piece of the fruit. I waited a few minutes, monitoring my heartbeat and listening to my breath. Maybe the creature had been immune unlike humans, but there was nothing wrong, so I ate more and more. I made sure I ate enough to feel somewhat filled, but not more than necessary. I rationed the rest in my backpack.

The rest of the day was boring. Everybody always talks about how gruesome the killing is, or how surviving is hard, but no one actually prepares you for the hours of your life that you just waste away. It was like this for a few days. There was only one death: a guy from District 8. Maybe he was murdered, or maybe he ate something poisonous. Who knew?

I guess that the game makers knew it was getting boring because one morning I smelled smoke and heard the branches crisp. Panicking, I loosened my rope and fell out the tree onto my side. I only took a few seconds to catch my breath and to check if nothing was broken before I took my backpack and ran away from the fire, but the red and orange threat was fast. There was no way that the game makers weren’t controlling it. Cursing and panicking, I made my way over to a cliff side.

Water! Yes! The swamp! I could dive in the cool green water down below away from the heat that made sweat droplets on my face. I was about to do so when I saw it.

Camouflaged in its environment, but crawling slowly towards something or someone and creating ripples in the water: a crocodile, or maybe a gator, that was large - larger than a natural one -, menacing, and deadly. I was trapped. Fire behind me and a monster before me. Either way, this was the end.

Goodbye to my life. The fire licked my heel, and I screamed. It hurt like the laser treatment in the beautification center, but three hundred times worse. That’s when I decided that I wouldn’t go out like that. Not by burning to ash by some game makers screaming and crying. I deserved better, my family deserved better, and my friends deserved better.

They wanted a show and a spectacle. Well, as I untied my knife, I knew I was going to give it to them. Holding it steady in my hand, I jumped. My knee broke my fall as I plunged the knife in the monster’s head. I screamed, and it roared. The sounds mixed together. Then, it rolled itself over and over again bearing its teeth. I held myself onto its neck.

Water. No water. Water. No water. Breathe. I had to breathe. Breathe. I think I passed out a few times. My arm scraped something. I felt my flesh tear apart and screamed, but only bubbles came out, and the water filled my lungs. Air again. I twisted the knife, and then, the creature slowed down.

Its hisses and groans became more of a dying sound. Honestly, I was sure that my screams which were fading into hoarse whispers served as the same.

Then, it stilled entirely. There was nothing more of it but blood and a floating corpse which I was laying on while catching my breath. My forehead laid on its cold and scaled head. My hands clutching the knife. Soon, I would die as well. I would be at peace even though I couldn’t keep my promise. I wasn’t sure if either Felix or Mujin would win, but at least I gave the Capitol scum a show. Something to remember me by other than being on death row.

“ Yes, but I won’t be like that. Never like that.”

“Hm. We will see.”

“I’m not crazy.”

“Don’t jinx it …”

Perhaps I jinxed it. How funny. Well, it wouldn’t hurt to see the world one last time before my soul moved on, so I sat up still catching my breath.

It took me a few seconds before noticing the man standing in front of me with his bow drawn back, and his arrow shakenly aimed at me.

Seriously? I just fought a beast, and now there’s another guy that wants to kill me? I pulled the knife out of the croc’s head and pointed it at him.

He was shaking, but I wasn’t.

He seemed to think for a few seconds, then nodded at the croc and back to me, “Give me part of that to eat, and I’ll let you live.”

Whatever. I nodded at him and passed out.

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Fainting in and out of existence was hard. At some point, I just wished my body would give up and let me go. Waking up for the third time I saw the man hunching over me. I tried to push him away, “Don’t touch me.”

“I’m trying to take care of your arm,” he said.

“Don’t take my arm,” I groaned sleepily.

He laughed, “I won’t take your arm,”

“Hm…” and I fainted again.

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When I woke up, I noticed how he had propped me up against a tree with my backpack behind me. The top of my outfit was off, and my arm and knee were carefully wrapped in bandages. The smell of meat filled my nostrils, and I realized how hungry I actually was.

“Oh, you’re awake,” the man said. He was roasting some of the croc above a fire.

“Yeah…” I groaned. I put my good arm over my chest, suddenly aware of how I was half naked.

He came to me and put my sleeping bag over me. “Don’t worry,” he said.

“It’s just embarrassing,” I responded.

“No problem, these are for you, by the way,” he gestured at the ground.

About eight different metal boxes of different sizes with parachutes attached to them were spread out around me. I recognized these boxes. They were gifts from sponsors. By the look of the big ones, they were pretty expensive.

“These…are for me?” I asked confused.

“Yes, for killing that gator I assume. Thank you for that, by the way,” he said as he took a box with a big medical red cross on it, “I opened this one, sorry. I needed it to patch you up.”

“Right, my arm and my knee,” I said, groaning.

“Yeah, it was pretty bad, but the Capitol has good stuff. I’m sure that in a few days, you’ll be as good as new!” He grabbed some Croc on a stick and gave it to me, “Eat! It’s pretty good. It tastes like chicken. I’m Bambam, by the way.”

I thanked him, introduced myself, and ate the meat. Part of me wanted to ration it, but the beast was big, and I was way too hungry.

Even though I had been passed out for several hours, I still fell asleep when I was full. A big piece of meat was still in my mouth which Bambam gently removed for me.

When I woke up again, I inspected all of my wounds. Bambam said they would be better, but they looked really bad. He could have killed me any time I passed out, but he kept his word to me and nursed me to health the best he could. The gifts I got were very useful: some small boxes to store meat and fruits longer, a new, improved knife, a better sleeping bag, ointment against muscle pains, an archery set, an extra water filter bottle, an extra bag, and more rope. Each box had a little note from Dawn.

“I can’t believe my eyes ,” one said. Another had said, “ Dude. What the hell. You’re so cool,” and “ Hyuna says to keep your shirt off more .”

Normally, I would be mad, but I could use any kind of support from the outside world I could get. I had trouble trying to store everything since I had to drag it all along when we would eventually leave, which was soon because the beast’s carcass finally started to rot and smelled awful. We saved what we could from the meat, which wasn’t a lot, so we would have to get food from somewhere soon enough since we also ate the fruit I had rationed before.

“Can you stand?” Bambam helped me on my feet.

My heel and my knee still hurt, but nothing was broken. Lucky. “I can walk but not fast,” I responded.

“Good thing we don’t need to go fast then,” he replied.

We did go slow making sure no one was following us or hanging around us. The croc incident had probably been pretty entertaining for the Capitol public, so I guessed the game makers would leave us alone for at least a few days. The other contestants must be hiding or adjusting their plans.

We took a break pretty fast since my knee was acting up. We sipped from our water bottles and nibbled from the candy I got at the beginning of the game.

“What district are you from?” I asked casually.

“I’m from district 3,” he replied.

“Oh, so you’re a farmer?” I asked.

“Yeah, my dad owns a farm, and I help around with the other farmers as well. You’re a fisherman, right? District 9?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I responded.

“Ironic,” he said.

“It really is,” I said as we laughed a bit about the situation. It really was weird and insane.

“Here, take this for walking,” Bambam said while he gave me a sturdy stick. It made me realize that I left my own stick back at the tree. It was probably burned up by now: ashes to ashes. We moved on yet again. We didn’t know where, but we walked.

“Look at this!” he said as we came by yet another big and deep lake. Bambam pointed at the plants excitedly, “It’s typha!”

“Typha?” I repeated. 

“Yes, typha, cattail, or whatever you want to call it,” he said.

“Can we eat it?” I asked.

“Sure, if we treat it first,” he responded.

I got a bad feeling. There were too many bad signs. Too many things that shouldn’t be able to be.

“Don’t touch it,” I said quickly as Bambam walked towards the water.

“What, why?” he asked, startled.

“Cattails usually grow under direct sunlight, right?” I asked as I looked up at the thick coverage of leaves above us.

“Right,” he agreed.

“Does it grow in large bodies of water?” I asked.

To this, he frowned, “Well, it usually grows on the edge,”

“Look how deep in the water they are, that’s not shallow. We’d have to swim over to it. Do you think…it might not be a real cattail?” I asked.

“You think they planted it here to trick us?” he asked.

“Maybe, maybe not. Let’s not risk it,” I said.

“If it is typha, then we are denying ourselves a giant food source,” he said.

I looked at the plants. They stood out pretty far in the water, and I couldn’t see the bottom of the lake. “We would have to swim to get them,” I repeated myself, “and who knows what lies beneath,”

“May-“ but he stopped abruptly as he looked at the water. His face turned white. “You’re right, we should leave,” he quickly said.

I looked at the spot he looked at before, but whatever he saw was gone.

“We’re not alone,” he said as he dragged me away by my arm.

As I looked back I saw a glimpse of a tail diving back down.

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“Is this what you did with the other fruit, too?” Bambam asked as we watched another little chameleon mutt go to the fruit we placed down.

It wasn’t like the fruit I’d found before. Instead of green, it was bright yellow, almost too bright. Made me think it might be toxic, but we were hungry. It had been another day of walking, and all of our rations were depleted. I shushed him and watched as the little creature nibbled on its findings.

A few seconds went by where nothing happened.

Bambam exhaled relieved next to me, “Great, now we have food.”

Just then, the creature started to collapse in on itself, releasing a scream not unlike a child. It twitched, conjured, laid on its back, and shortly after, a black spot on its belly rose up and became bigger. I realized soon that it wasn’t a spot at all, but thousands of tiny spiders crawling out of its stomach and–like a hive mind–ate the creature in seconds before moving further into the woods. Feeling Bambam’s hand on my shoulder, I realized that I had lost balance and fell down. I hadn’t even felt the impact.

“I can’t-“ but I swallowed my words.

This was no place for a nervous breakdown. The last thing I wanted the Capitol to see was me giving up through the hidden cameras, and I still had my job to do:find Mujin and Felix and to protect Bambam, so I sat myself straight, “I’m fine.”

If Bambam saw that I was not, he didn’t show it. We gathered our stuff to move on. We had to look for food again soon. My stomach rumbled, and I felt like throwing up. As I looked at the rest of the yellow fruit in my bag, I still carefully wrapped it.

“What are you doing?” Bambam asked, surprised, “We should throw it away.”

“No, it’s not fruit. It’s a weapon.” Even I was a bit weary of my cold voice. “Soon enough, we will have to kill someone. Best believe I take everything I can use.”

Just then, a cannon sounded.

“You know, you are horrifyingly smart,” Bambam said a bit cautiously.

Horrifyingly smart? Maybe. Horrifyingly desperate? Yes.

Chapter Text

Due to lack of food, moving around became hard, and. almost unbearable, actually. We stopped often for water breaks. The night sky revealed who had died: Johnny from District 12. I was actually annoyed that it wasn’t Yuta which also scared me a bit.

The morning after we moved slowly, so slowly due to headaches and being disoriented.

After a lot of hours, we finally found another lake. This one was clear and not that deep. A lot of fish were swimming in it which I observed for quite a long time to make sure that they weren’t mutts or toxic. Then, I snapped two branches off from a tree, and I taught Bambam how to hunt. He was decent enough at it, already having experience with killing animals on his farm. We started a fire and ate everything we had caught in one go, then we made camp in a tree and slept the entire day, too tired to do anything else.

When we woke up, we exchanged information about our districts. Since no one was ever allowed to travel to another, I learned a lot like how the farmers often worked inhumane hours for low pay and how there had been a plague a few years back brought by rats that had killed a lot of youngsters, so their odds of getting reaped were always bigger. Unfortunately, it took his little sister too.

We stayed by the lake for two days, recharging and eating well before we left again.

“We could stay by the lake if you want to,” Bambam said, “We wouldn’t get hungry again.”

I shook my head, “The game makers could evaporate the fish any time they want. Besides, I need to find Felix and Mujin,”

“Your friends, right?” Bambam asked.

“I promised to take care of them, and I will,” I responded.

“You can’t take care of everyone,” Bambam argued.

“I know that,” I said bitterly, “but I can’t just do nothing. That’s not like me,”

“I get it. I don’t have any other friends here, but I would do the same if I did,” Bambam said.

“I’m your friend. Nothing will happen to you while I’m here,” I assured. Bambam stayed quiet.

Another cannon was shot: another death. We kept going through the vines and the branches to God knows where. I didn’t know how I would find Felix or Mujin. I couldn’t call out their names without drawing attention to ourselves. Pure luck maybe? The sun started to give off incredible heat, so we tried our best to stay in the shade. “Is it just me or do they do this shit on purpose?” I asked, annoyed.

“I guess we’re not dying fast enough for them,” Bambam said, “it’s never this warm back home.”

“It’s never this warm at sea either, and if it is, we just take a quick swim in the ocean even though we’re not supposed to because it’s said to be dangerous. Nothing ever happened though,” I said.

“What about sharks?” he curiously asked.

I shrugged, “They’re a lot more scared of us than we are of them.”

“As they should be,” he said bitterly, “I’d rather be a fish in the sea than to be stuck he-“ He suddenly fell to his side. Something was wriggling on his body. Fear wrapped itself around my heart as I saw that it was a small, bright spotted snake that had plunged its teeth in his neck. I drew my sword and severed its head from its body, but its reflexes were still active, so it bit even harder. I pulled and pulled on it until a part of Bambam’s neck came loose with it. Disoriented and shocked, I threw it away and grabbed his hand, 

“It’s alright. It’s okay. I’m here,” I tried to say, even though it was not okay. My voice was shaken, there was blood everywhere, and the fear in his eyes would haunt me for the rest of my life.

He spat out blood.

Holding him gently, I stayed with him for the seconds he had left before I saw the light leave his eyes: another cannon sound. This time I knew exactly whose it was. As I cradled his body in my arms for God knows how long crying, I saw the blood mix in with the puddle of water he fell into. It made swirls and patterns.

Hearing the whirls of the Heli mixing in with my loud sobs, I knew I had to let him go, so I placed him back in the puddle closing his eyelids. I cursed loudly and left. As I walked away, feeling my tears dry, I wished I didn’t cry because now they had footage of me. Now they knew what I was like.

Now the Capitol knew how to use my humanity for views.

I started to understand the crazy victor’s a bit more because I, too, started feeling nothing but rage. I turned back and saw in the distance how the Heli grabbed Bambam’s body and hoisted it up ready to be shipped off to his family.

The family that lost two of their members too soon.

The first moment that I saw another Chameleon mutt, I sliced its head clean off. The blood got on my clothes, but Bambam’s was still all over me, so it didn’t matter. Nothing really mattered. All this time I had avoided hunting it to eat, not knowing if it was safe or not, but now, I didn’t care. I would find Felix, I would make him win, and then I would die. I had gotten distracted by Bambam, but not anymore.

Another cannon shot.

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Like a robot, I moved on through the arena for a day and a half before I decided to camp again for a week. My anger had faded. I was too tired, too hungry, and too sad. How long have we been in the arena now? Calculating roughly, it must have been about a week. The longest a game went on was five weeks. Five  weeks…God, why?

The next two days, nothing happened. I walked and I hunted. I ate. I survived.

Someone else died. Who knows from what. Then, one afternoon as I was walking, I heard footsteps, and as I turned around I saw him with blood on his outfit. “You,” I said angry while I pointed my sword at him.

Yuta smiled, “Me.” He held his hands up. Somewhere along the way he must have lost his weapons, probably when he had killed Johnny. “I see you’re alone too. No Felix or Mujin?”

“Leave their names out your mouth,” I growled.

He took a step back, “Okay, okay, just making conversation.”

“Where is your backpack?” I asked.

“I lost it,” he responded.

“Lost it where ?” I asked suspiciously.

“In combat,” he responded.

“Combat to who?” I asked.

“Matthew. Don’t be fooled by his district. He’s incredibly strong.” He slowly lowered his right arm and pointed at his side. Matthew seemed to have inflicted a big wound. “Well, I’m unarmed, alone and dying. You’re probably happy to know that,” he continued.

“I’m very happy to know that. I only wish you died faster ,” I said angrily.

I lifted my sword, but he spoke quickly, “You’re looking for Felix, right?”

I froze. “Why? Did you see him?” I asked.

“I did see him,” he responded.

“If you hurt him-“

“I didn’t hurt him. He ran away from me, but I know which direction. He couldn’t have gone far because he’s injured,” Yuta responded.

My heart skipped a beat. I fired my questions rapidly, “Injured where? How? From who? Was he dying? Where was he?” I asked all of it as fast as I could.

“Calm down, Casanova. He’s injured on his leg. I think the guy from 1 did it, but don’t worry, he’s dead. I think that Felix speared him.”

Casanova? I guessed we weren’t as subtle as we thought we were. “Okay, where is Felix?” I asked.

“I can lead you to him, but I’d have to get patched up, you see. Deep wounds can be quite dangerous,” he bargained.

“No need,” I said, “Just show me the direction.”

“Now why would I do that?” Yuta said with a light chuckle, “I need to be patched up, you see.”

“Why would that be my problem?” I asked.

“If you don’t, then I won’t tell you the direction he fled to,” he responded.

“I’ll find him myself then. He can’t be far,” I said looking around.

“Or can he? What if you go the wrong way, and he bleeds out? Or someone else finds him? What then?” Yuta asked.

God damnit . He was right, of course. I weighed my options for a few seconds and then lowered my sword. “Fine, sit down,” I commanded. He smiled proudly and then did as I ordered. I showed him the knife he threw at me in the beginning, “Remember this?”

“My knife, yes,” he replied.

“Do anything wrong and I’ll kill you,” I threatened.

“You don’t know how to throw that,” he said smugly.

“But I know how to stab you,” I threatened again.

“Fair enough,” he responded.

I treated his wound with the excess medical care I had gotten from the sponsors making sure I left enough for when I would find Felix.

“So, are you happy to see your boyfriend again soon?” he asked

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I countered.

“Oh please, you two were always all over each other like puppies. It was adorable,” Yuta said smugly.

“That was just for the camera’s .” I responded.

Yuta looked up at the trees and smiled sadly, “We’re all going to die.”

I wasn't sure if he meant it or if he put on a show for the viewers. “Weird, I thought you were certain you’d win,” I responded.

“Who knows at this point? It could be you,” he said looking at me.

“That’s what people keep telling me, but it won’t be me,” I responded.

“We’ll see,” he replied.

“I guess,” I said as I got him up. I made sure he walked in front of me, so he couldn’t stab me in the back. Judging by the amount of blood he had on him, he must’ve killed a lot of participants already. I stayed focused because if he could betray Johnny, he could definitely betray me. We didn’t talk during our water and food breaks.

“Do you have siblings?” he asked once while we were walking.

I didn’t answer. Humanizing him wouldn’t help me. He wasn’t Yuta, some guy with siblings and parents. He was Yuta, the man who threw a knife at me the first chance he got.

“I have-“

“I don’t care,” I said firmly.

“I liked you better before you got crazy,” he sighed.

“I’m not crazy,” I countered.

“You have that look in your eyes: that Boa look, or that guy, what’s his name?” Yuta asked.

“He doesn’t have a name, and I’m not like them. I’m not crazy,” I countered.

“Everybody has a name, and no way that you survived for this long without killing at least one person or without seeing some traumatizing shit,” he responded.

“Keep it moving,” I commanded.

“I’m not the enemy, you know,” he said.

“Why don’t you ever shut up?” I groaned.

“Okay,” he sighed.

There were more and more puddles, and more roots rose up from the ground. Things could hide between them, slithering or crawling. I didn’t like it.

Yuta pointed to the ground in front of us, “Look.” There was blood on the ground, some was mixed in with the water. “Here’s where I found that guy from 1.” He pointed forward again, over a lake, “Your sweetheart swam through and ran away from me there. He knows I can’t swim that fast.”

I couldn’t help but smile slightly. Felix somehow really survived the battle at the beginning and was smart enough to avoid Yuta. He had a big chance to win this entire thing. “Alright, let’s go,” I commanded.

“What about my wound?” Yuta asked.

“What about it?” I asked back.

“What if it gets infected by the water?” he asked, worried.

“Why should I care?” I asked back.

“Please,” he pleaded.

Something in his voice and look made me care again. He really was unarmed, wounded, and scared. What kind of person would I be if I let him suffer? I very much was planning to kill him, but not slowly and painfully. Sighing, I looked around, “Walking around it will take hours.”

“Then, just let me go. I can take care of myself,” he said.

“Wounded and without a weapon?” I asked suspiciously.

“Give me my knife, then,” he said.

“I’m not an idiot,” I responded.

“So, I’ll have to do it then? I’ll have to get through the water, wounded?” he asked.

I sighed again. Maybe I could let Yuta join my ally ship, but I did that with Dann, and he died. I did that with Bambam, and he died as well. I still had Mujin and Felix to look after, and once there’s the four of us, wouldn’t he just turn on us? I knew Felix, and I trusted Mujin, but Yuta? He killed Johnny, so why wouldn’t he kill Felix as well? No, I had to keep him close to find Lix and then…well, then I’d have to kill him. I pointed my sword at him, “You’ll swim.”

I would have gotten over the lake in half the time I did with Yuta. He was a decent swimmer, but not like me or Felix. His wound held him back as well. As we swam, I kept feeling how bloodsuckers attached themselves to my body. As we arrived, I helped Yuta get rid of them, and he helped get rid of mine, but I didn’t want him to stand behind me to get rid of the ones on my back.

“You can’t walk around with Bloodsuckers on your back the entire time,” he said.

“I can’t walk around with a broken neck, either,” I responded.

Eventually, I sat on my knees before the lake hunched over, so Yuta could treat my back, but I could see our reflection. My sword was pointed over my shoulder, and I held it tightly with both hands. If I saw him make any sudden movements, I would stab him through his head. It probably wouldn’t work since it only takes a few seconds to snap someone’s neck and longer to stab someone through the head, over the shoulder, and in an uncomfortable position, but it was the only way that I felt like I had a little bit of control over the situation. As I looked at myself in the reflection, I understood what he was saying before. My eyes did look crazy. Maybe I was crazy. 

“There, you’re all done. I’m getting up now. Don’t stab me,” he said.

“Thanks,” I responded.

“I’m a man of my word. I’ll help you find your sweetheart,” he promised.

“Sure,” I responded, still a little suspicious. We moved on.

“He can’t be far now. Swimming made him tired, probably,” Yuta said, “Do you have something to eat?”

“Sure,” I responded. As we rested for a few seconds, I looked in my bag. At first, I was planning to give him some of the mutt Chameleon meat, but then my eyes fell on the spider fruit. It occurred to me how cowardly it was to not even kill with my own hands, but Yuta trusted me now, at least enough to take food from me. He wouldn’t fight back, so it would be easier. Like he said, Lix wasn’t far now. I could find him alone. As if I were on autopilot, I gave him the fruit.

He didn’t recognize it, “Thanks, man.”

“Sure thing,” I responded. Maybe it was better to not know, but I was too curious, “So, how did you kill Johnny?”

“Johnny? No, I didn’t kill him,” he said, a bit distraught as he ate the fruit.

“You didn’t?” I asked, surprised.

“No, he’s my friend. That Gunil bastard from 6 killed him. I took my revenge, though. Hit him right in the head with my knife,” he said.

A shudder ran all over my body. I felt cold. My mind felt like it would explode. There was no time to panic, because Yuta groaned and grabbed his stomach with his arm. “What the hell?” he yelled out as he fell on his back, just like the chameleon.

My emotions turned to emptiness as I held his hand.

He watched in horror as the tiny spiders took over the outside of his body and then…

A cannon shot.

Some of the spiders turned to me. I hit them off and got up. Time to leave. As I ran back to the lake, I felt them biting me. I ran in and felt them crawl to my head, probably hoping I wouldn’t dive completely under, but I did, and I watched as they drowned only millimeters away from my face. I stayed under for a few more seconds before getting out again. No more Bloodsuckers this time. Only me, and my incredibly violent, self-destructive thoughts.

It took me a while of waiting on the Heli before I realized that they wouldn’t come, because there was no body to collect. After that realization, I spent about twenty minutes throwing up whatever was left in my digestive system: chameleon meat, mostly, but I also saw some pieces of fruit. When I saw them, I threw up even more and started crying.

“ You never forget your first kill,” Dawn had told me once, “ You will never forget their face.”

After cleaning myself up by the lake, shaking, and avoiding the Bloodsuckers, I slowly made my way back to where I had left Yuta. As I suspected, there was nothing left. Still, I looked on the ground and on the bark of the trees to make sure there were no spiders anymore. I knew they were gone, all gone, yet I felt them on my arms and my neck, so I scratched until my skin turned red.

As I walked further, looking closely everywhere I went for Lix or Mujin, I suddenly heard a weird noise. At first I thought it was a bird, then I thought it was my imagination, but no. I was eight years older than Hannah which meant I was there where she was born and took her first breath. I was there when she awoke at night crying. I was ten years older than Lucas, so the same goes for him. What I heard was a baby. Instinctively I took a step in that direction before I dug my nails in my arm. You’re in the games. You’re in a fabricated arena made by rich people who are psychopaths. There is no baby here. There are no kids here. It’s a trap. Despite the absolute pain in my heart, I moved in the other direction. The further I got, the more desperate and in pain its crying became which only further confirmed what I had thought. At one point, I had started crying along.

After about ten minutes of walking, another cannon sounded.

Immediately, I walked back the way I came, because there was only one other person I was certain was in this area. “Stop it!” I suddenly yelled to myself. Even though I was the one that said it, I startled myself. Panicked and in pain, I hunched over. “He’s not that stupid!” I yelled again.

Nothing responded.

“Oh, I’m going insane,” I quietly said. The Demon, Boa, and Soyeon could welcome me into their little club. Okay, five minutes of rest and then moving on.

Five minutes became fifteen, but I managed to get myself up and walk away from where the baby…thing…had cried. I took breaks regularly. My food had gone down, but I still had a lot of water from the lake, thankfully. I had to remind myself of memories, tv shows, or fun facts because thinking of anyone or anything related to the games would drive me quite insane. I was thinking of how my mother taught me to make pancakes while I walked.

“You get the milk,” she had said to younger me looking curiously over the counter, “and you add that to the butter and sugar.”

“That’s too much sugar!” I had said defiantly.

“Oh? Why is that?” she had asked.

“I don’t like sugar!” I claimed.

“You don’t like sugar? Since when?” she asked.

“Since I was born!” I yelled.

She had laughed and picked me up at this, “What about all those cookies you ate?”

“Cookies don’t have sugar!” I yelled.

“Cookies have lots of sugar, sweetheart,” she explained.

“They do?” I asked, perplexed.

“Yeah!” she confirmed.

“Then, I like sugar,” I said.

She had smiled brightly at this and laughed.

The memory that I walked through got slowly replaced by the big trees and puddles again when I heard someone say my name. Drawing my sword disorientedly, I listened. There it was, my name. At the third time, I finally recognized its owner’s voice and started running back. “Felix?” I yelled.

He yelled back. The voice got louder until he sounded right next to me, but I couldn’t see him. “Felix?” I called out.

“I’m down here!” he yelled. There he was, half hidden in a cavern under some roots, trying to climb out while groaning in pain. He was covered in dirt and blood.

“Oh my God, Felix!” I ran towards him, hugged him, and then tried to pull him out.

“My leg!” he winced.

I looked down at his leg. Someone really slashed it well. The wound looked deep. “Use your good leg, use the good one!” I ordered as I pulled him out with the little might I still had left. He groaned more and started crying but I got him out then we just stayed in each other’s arms. I kissed the top of his head again and again.

“What the fuck? You walked right past me!” he cried, “I called you so many times, and you just walked past! Didn’t you hear me?”

“No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” I apologized. Guilt fell over me and I cried as well. How long had he been stuck in that hole? Unable to even hunt for himself? I shouldn’t have killed Yuta. I should have thanked him. I opened up my big backpack and pulled out my water. “Drink. Drink up,” I commanded.

Felix took two sips in between sobs then, pointed at a vague direction, “There’s- there’s a baby. There’s a baby somewhere and I couldn’t help it-“

“No!” I yelled as I grabbed both his arms and shook him, “There’s no baby! There’s no baby here anywhere! Okay?” 

Shocked, he nodded and got a bit more quiet, but was still crying, “I kill –  I killed someone. I killed someone.” He put his head in my neck, and I held him tight again.

“I know. I know, me too,” I said as I thought back at Yuta’s horrified face, “I also killed someone.”

After our crying session was over, I tried my best to tend to his leg with the supplies that I had, which wasn’t a lot. The wound ran deep, but I didn’t see any bone, luckily. “God, I wish I was a doctor. That would make everything so much easier,” I said as I massaged his bandaged leg a little. I looked up at the tree. It was big and seemed sturdy. Felix wouldn’t be able to walk for quite a while, probably, and this part of the forest was more open. We had less coverage. I felt unprotected. “I think we should climb up. If you can,” I said.

He frowned and shook his head a bit, “No, I think the cavern is good. It’s spacious, so we both fit in. If we put leaves and sticks on it we could camouflage it more.”

“What if there’s a flood and we drown?” I asked.

“Okay, what if there’s a fire, and we have to jump out of the tree?” he countered.

“What about the mutts on the ground?” I countered back.

“What about the mutts in the trees?” he countered back. It was a serious conversation, but we couldn’t help but smile at this bickering. Maybe because we hadn’t seen each other in so long. “Chris?” he asked.

“Yeah?” I asked back.

“Do you remember what we said before the games?” he asked.

Of course, I did. We wouldn’t show our relationship on screen. They wouldn’t take advantage of it. I bowed my head and looked at his leg again. “Sure,” I responded.

“Let’s just drop that. Let’s drop the act,” he said.

I frowned and looked at him, “Are you sure?” Showing our relationship on screen would follow us for the rest of our lives, if we managed to survive. The press and media would pick every bit of it apart. Nothing would be secret or sacred anymore, but then again, maybe we wouldn’t survive. Maybe these were our last days together.

He smiled and lifted his arm, “Come here.”

Unable to hide smile, I did what he asked of me.

He embraced me and then kissed me tenderly.

I put my head on his shoulder. There was still danger lurking around, and we should’ve been trying to find shelter and food, but for a moment I felt safe and happy again. 

About 20 minutes later, 2 parachutes with sponsor gifts fell down from the sky. One had a medical cross on it, so I opened it up first.

“ You should have told me,” the note said.

I rolled my eyes. No we shouldn’t have. At the end of the day, it had still been our choice. The box had medical cream for Felix’s leg though, so I was grateful. I gave the box to Lix who had about the same reaction as me and opened up the second one. The smell was amazing, and my mouth started to water immediately. Bread, freshly baked and still warm.

The note only had one word on it: “ Tree .”

Chapter Text

Climbing the tree took a lot of time with Felix’s leg and all the stuff we had. He had to take a lot of breaks. The cream had worked miracles, but the human body was very persistent on wanting to be fragile.

“I wish Dawn had sent us tickets to a luxury spa as a gift,” I joked as Felix tried his best to climb up another branch. Night was falling quickly, and I really wished that we would be settled before it got completely dark, but even with the safety rope tied around Felix’s waist making me able to help him lift up a little bit, it didn’t seem like that would happen.

He didn’t respond to my joke; just focused on getting to the place we wanted to rest.

Finally, after twenty more minutes, he managed to be on the flat surface right before the last bit of light slipped away. The trees were good for hiding since they had a little dip in the middle before the bark grew out into even more branches, so we didn’t have to worry about falling down.

“You okay?” I asked.

“I’m tired,” he responded.

I rubbed his back, “We’ll rest soon. I’ll prepare the sleeping bags.”

“Oh, you should use this,” he said as he gave me a pair of night vision goggles, “One of the sponsors gave it to me.”

“Perfect,” I responded. 

The anthem played. Only two deaths this time: Yuta and Wonho.

I guessed Wonho was the one who died from the baby…thing. I looked down for a few seconds, remembering Yuta’s last moments.

The bags were set up quickly, but Felix still got in mine instead of his. “Why did you watch me set up two bags when you knew we were only going to use one?” I asked.

“Because it’s funny,” he teased before he closed his eyes.

I kissed his forehead. “Night, Lix,” I said, but he was already asleep.

Snakes, spiders, and other participants. I was too anxious to sleep. I listened to the sounds, and once in a while, I put on the goggles to make sure that nothing sneaked up on us. I was finally falling asleep, goggles still on, when I heard something growl. As I looked down, I saw a giant creature running. It was fast, too fast, because it was gone in a second.

Then, there were  faint screams in the distance. 1, 2, 3: 3 people screaming. The creature roared, and then 1, 2, 3: 3 cannon sounds. Whatever alliance had been forged was now dead.

Felix took my hand and squeezed it silently. Did you hear that?

I squeezed back. Yes, I did.

I slept in the next morning since I had barely slept all night, anxiously monitoring everything around us. Things happened too fast when I woke up. The first thing I saw was Felix looking at the bright yellow fruit he took from my bag. “No!” I immediately screamed in panic, slapping it out of his hand onto the ground below us.

“Wha-“ he yelled, but I had heard heavy, frantic footsteps running towards us, so I covered his mouth and put my finger on my own to signal that we had to be quiet.

Looking down at the person who stood in front of a tree, bow and arrow slightly pulled back with their back to us, I felt relief. Even from behind, I could see that it was Mujin. Thank God! Mujin’s alive, and he’s here with us! In all of my excitement I almost yelled out for him, until he turned around. There was something about his movements that was so robotic and so sharp, like he listened to every single sound. His bow was always drawn, but the thing that creeped me out most was his face. There was something about his wide eyes that showed insanity. One of them was starting to turn red, probably because some of the blood spread across his face had fallen in and infected it.

“ You have that look in your eyes. That Boa look.”

I held my breath, and after what felt like minutes, he quietly left. Realizing that he hadn’t blinked once the entire time made it all even more surreal. Almost immediately, I felt an insufferable amount of guilt, because Mujin was our friend and I had silently promised to protect him. He had been right there, in front of me, and I let him go. Now he was on his own. I had failed him.

“What’s wrong with him?” Felix whispered.

I didn’t answer. I couldn’t answer. Instead, I took my backpack and pulled out one of the spider fruits. Carefully, like I was holding an explosive, I showed it to Felix. “This…” I started slowly, “is not a fruit. These are spider eggs. If you eat them, they hatch, and they eat you alive from the inside out. There will be nothing left of you to return home.”

Every bit of color drained from Felix’s face as he looked at the fruit as if it were a bomb, “Why are they in your bag?” He blinked as if trying to make sense of the situation.

“To use,” I responded.

“To use as what?” he asked suspiciously.

“Weapons,” I responded casually.

He looked at me as if I just suggested bombing a hospital, “That’s cruel!” Thinking back on Yuta, I didn’t answer. It was cruel. I was cruel. “Throw them away,” he said sternly.

I did as he said.

Good thing that the lake was pretty close. We actually chose another tree closer to it for easy access. It was filled with big fish that we could feast on. I hunted the first few days, and Felix joined me when his leg had gotten better. That cream really was miraculously good. We were always on edge, though. That big and fast creature was still out there somewhere, but we were no longer hungry or in pain, and our tree was pretty cozy, so the next week was calm and enjoyable even. As enjoyable as you could get being trapped in a gigantic dome with a swamp environment and several creatures hunting you for sport.

“What do you think they’re doing at home right now?” Felix asked while we laid down in our big tree, looking at the sky.

“I bet that Hannah is stressing about school right now,” I laughed.

Felix smiled.

“And dad is at work, probably, and mom is…well, she’s probably sad. Lucas might be chilling with some friends or practicing his guitar,” I continued.

“Wow, I miss music,” he said.

“Yeah, me too,” I agreed.

“I guess my dad’s busy in the bakery and my mom’s busy with the fabrics again. I’m not sure what my sisters are doing,” Felix said.

“Maybe they’re making plans to go to that new movie that’s coming out,” I pondered.

“Mythical Men 2: 2 Men 2 Mythical?” Felix asked.

“Exactly! I wanted to go see it,” I said.

“Me too, but I think I’ve had enough action for a lifetime,” he said.

I laughed, “Same.”

It got quiet.

Felix turned and put his face in my neck. “I want to go home,” he whispered.

“You will,” I assured him.

“Not without you,” he said.

I only kissed his forehead.

Then, a loud, ringing sound started echoing in all of the arena. We both sat up immediately. Someone, not too far away from us, yelped in shock for a second. I wondered if they were also in a tree or sitting down on the ground somewhere.

“Ladies and Gentlemen!” Daejoon’s voice beamed, “and our very brave male contestants of this year’s Hunger Games!” He paused, probably so that the audience at home could clap or whatever. “We have a very special announcement to make! Since this year is a very special year, not only one participant can win the games, but two, so grab your nearest companion, make an alliance, and get ready to play ! May the odds be ever in your favor!” The mic shut back off.

Someone screamed in agony, anger, and heartbreak, and when I turned my head to the sound, I saw, far away, giant flames flying above the trees. “Felix, that guy has a flamethrower,” I said urgently.

“Yes, I see that,” he said, looking at the flames.

The flames stopped, and it got quiet again.

“They’re all going to make alliances, aren’t they?” I asked.

“Yes they are,” Felix responded.

“And they’re all going to start killing each other?” I asked.

“Probably,” he responded.

“Hm,” I looked up at the sky, “we need a notepad, please.”

It didn’t take long for Dawn to get us what we needed, and it didn’t take long for us to pen every participant down. I took the red pen that was lying next to Dawn’s “ Good luck.” note.

“Okay, so Yuta is dead. Yuta killed Gunil, the guy from 6. Gunil killed Johnny,” I said as I scribbled over their names.

“Wonho and the crying guy are dead, so no more 4,” Felix helped.

“Bambam and his district mate are dead, so no more 3,” I added.

“Dann’s dead,” Felix added sadly.

“I think both guys from 1 are dead, right?” I asked.

“Right, right.” Felix agreed. We quickly skimmed over the rest until we knew who was left.

“Okay so it’s Mujin, Matthew, red haired guy -“

“Yoongi,” Felix corrected.

“Mujin, Matthew, Yoongi, a guy from 8, and a guy from 11,” I concluded.

Felix scratched his head, “This doesn’t make sense.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

He pointed at the names, “Mujin is fucked up now. Is he really going to be in an allyship with someone, or is he just going to go crazy? Yoongi only ever talked to his district partner, but he’s dead, and he doesn’t seem like the guy to make new friends. Matthew, 8, and 11 could maybe be up for being ally’s, but there’s 3 of them.”

“We should also ask ourselves who has the flamethrower. I feel like that’s a pretty big detail,” I added.

“He seemed scared,” Felix said.

“Scared? He seemed furious,” I corrected.

“Angry, sad, and scared,” Felix added. We were quiet for a few seconds. “That’s not a good combination of emotions to have for someone with that kind of weapon,” Felix said.

Just then, more red and orange light came from the northern side of the dome. Two cannon shots fired.

“Well, maybe if we wait it out a bit, they can finish each other off,” I said nervously.

Another cannon was shot. The guys from 11 and 8 and Mujin were the deceased ones.

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Scraping them off the list made me extremely anxious. I had started scratching myself again, unable to not feel the tiny little legs of spiders all on me.

Lix helped me the best he could. He poured water over my back, and told me it would drown the spiders, then he massaged me gently to get rid of the stinging.

I was grateful that he didn’t diminish my experience with the hallucinations, but damn it, I just wished that I could just take a long cold shower to get rid of that feeling.

“Do you want to go to the lake and hunt for a little while? To take your mind off of things?” he asked after I had put my head in my hands.

The last few days had been sort of a break, but now the stress had gotten to me. Dann’s death, Mujin’s death, Bambam’s death, and Yuta’s death had gotten to me. Not to mention that we had a big chance of survival, but also a big chance of dying at the very last moment. Everything that had happened wouldn’t matter anymore if that was the case. Every bit of pain, hunting, and surviving would’ve been for nothing.

Felix poured some more water over my back, kissed me on my shoulder blade, and put his chin on my shoulder. “Do you want to go to the lake and hunt?” he asked more quietly.

“I don’t know. The creature might still be out there and the two others,” I responded.

Yoongi and Matthew: two mighty enemies. One had a flamethrower.

“We need to go down sometime to hunt, anyways,” Felix said, “We need food.”

“Maybe if we wait it out, they’ll starve before us,” I reasoned.

“So we should starve ourselves and see who holds on the longest?” he asked.

“Maybe, couldn’t hurt to try,” I answered. I put my top back on and laid down In my sleeping bag, not really caring that it got wet since we had three of them anyway. I fell asleep almost immediately.

When I woke up from an incredibly long sleep, I saw that Felix was sitting with his knees up to his chest, holding his closed fist in front of his mouth. He seemed to be deep in thought and a bit worried. That couldn’t be good. As I sat up, I saw that he had a box of a sponsor next to him. “What’s going on? What happened?” I asked, worried.

Soundlessly he gave me the paper, “ They have food.”

Well, there went our last strategy. I sighed deeply.

Felix opened the metal box and the smell of cookies filled the air. “My dad made these,” he said softly, “I’d recognize them anywhere. Must have cost him a fortune to send over.” He looked quite sad.

“Right then,” I said as I got up and went to sit next to him, “let’s not let them get to waste.” I put my arm around him, and we shared the cookies. Though we did split them evenly, I tricked him by pretending I heard a sound and then shoved 2 of mine to his pile when he wasn’t looking.

When they were finished, we rested, and then prepared ourselves to go out hunting. I gave Felix the archery set – he was better at it than me anyways – and made sure that my knives, sword, and spear were all close in range of my hands. We caught some fish, but the lake was almost entirely empty. “They really want us to know that it’s the end stage of the games, huh,” I said darkly.

“It’s kind of peaceful like this, isn’t it? Knowing that it will end soon,” Felix replied.

“I’m not sure about peaceful. They’re up to something. I’m sure of it,” I responded.

A special year for the games.

As we walked back, my theory was confirmed.

Matthew came running out the woods meters away from us running towards the water. He locked eyes with me for a second. “Run!” he yelled before the beast, three times bigger than a normal tiger, pushed him down and bit his ear clean off.

Felix took a step forward aiming his bow, but I dragged him back into the forest. Running away further inwards and ignoring our usual tree, I was hoping the screams and roars would end soon, and the cannon would shoot, but it didn’t. The beast could have easily swiped his claws in Matthew or bit his neck; instead it took his ear. No, it was playing . We ran further and further for minutes on end before hastily climbing in another sturdy tree.

“What the fuck?” Felix was hyperventilating.

God, not now.

“What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fu-“

“Look!” I grabbed his arms, “Matthew’s gone! There’s only Yoongi left now. Pull yourself together!”

“Didn’t you see that?” he yelled, “Didn’t you see that tiger? Didn’t you see how he played with him like a cat ?”

“It doesn’t matter right now because Matthew’s dead!” I reasoned.

“Then where is the cannon?” he asked, still frazzled.

What could I say to this? Shaking and in fear, my voice quivered, “Maybe there are technical malfunctions-“

“There are no technical malfunctions! There have never been technical malfunctions and there will never be technical malfunctions!” he yelled as he stood up.

“Where are you going? Sit down,” I commanded

“Going to give a mercy shot,” he said defiantly.

“Like hell you are! That thing is still around!” I said, panicking.

“Yeah, and it’s nibbling on Matthew as we speak!” he argued back.

“It will be nibbling on you if you go!” I yelled.

“Damn it, Chris, when did you lose your morals?” he asked.

“For fuck’s sake, Felix, look around! You killed one, and I killed Yuta! Yuta killed Gunil! Gunil killed Johnny –  There are no morals here! There are fucking Chameleon’s with human eyes, and tigers as big as baby elephants, and you want to get back to it? For a man that’s doomed to die anyway?” I asked.

“I killed one in self defense,” he said coolly, “and I’ll kill Matthew in an act of mercy. At least one of us has to stay human .”

If words could kill, I would be dead by now. From the very beginning, people had been doubting my sanity and that was fine, but Lix? That was a whole other kind of hurt; one that cut deep. No time to think too deeply about it because he was already climbing down the tree. I followed him as he stomped his way through the puddles, the fallen leaves, and the roots. “Lix!” I called after him. He didn’t answer. “Felix!” I called out again.

“What?” he snapped as he turned back to me.

Not wanting to anger him more, I waited a few seconds before I said, “We shouldn’t make so much noise.”

His expression softened up a little bit. After we took a few more steps, the cannon sounded. I saw how Felix stopped dead in his tracks. Seconds ticked away. I knew he was an emotional wreck right now, and I wanted to help him. I just didn’t know how. Eventually he turned back around and walked back to the tree in anger. “Congratulations,” he spit out when he passed me.

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We ate our food and drank our water. When we got back to the lake, carefully, for more hydration, there was nothing left. Where the big lake once was, was now nothing but dry earth. We dug a hole for a while, hoping that something might be left, but it was fruitless. No water and no food. The message was clear: fight or die. Yet, we waited. We didn’t have any food left, so Yoongi probably didn’t either. I hoped that maybe some sponsors would send us a gift, but it was too late in the game.

They wanted to see blood.

Felix nestled himself against me. I knew that he was sorry for what he had said before. He had apologized profusely but I waved it away. No use still being in an argument when we had such a large chance to die. How would we ever win against a flamethrower? Getting headaches, I wrote down what could possibly kill Yoongi:

1. the creature: either the tiger, the crocodile, or snakes, too.

2: starvation.

3: spider fruit.

Dawn had said that Yoongi had food…but maybe his source was taken away as well, and it was so late in the game, maybe he had seen the effect of the spiders, so it mostly came down to the creature. One of them.

Just as I had given myself some hope, I felt the earth rumble. Everything was shaking. Holding myself to a branch, I yelled towards Felix, “Earthquake?”

He held onto a branch as well.

After a few minutes, it ended.

My head was spinning. God damnit. As I looked back at the forest, I saw how every tree, every rock,  every pebble, and every piece of grass before me had fallen down a deep, bottomless ravine. It had made a natural border. As I followed the ravine, I saw that it slightly curved.

“The birds…” Felix said as he looked up.

There sure were birds: vultures, with their big wings and sharp beaks circling around the arena that was made smaller. Less space, less food, and vultures: the message was very clear.

“Well, you can’t deny that they have a taste for dramatics.” I said bitterly.

Chapter Text

We slept for one more night hoping that Yoongi would be weak as well before we decided that we would move on to end this thing. Following the ravine showed me that my theory was true: the arena had become one small circle. Big enough to maybe hide from Yoongi, but small enough to also meet him if we had bad luck. 

“How deep does it go?” Felix asked.

“I have no idea. I can’t see the bottom,” I answered. After that I picked up a rock and threw it in. We waited for a long while, but it never made any noise. “Well, let’s hope we don’t fall in,” I eventually said.

The vultures above us kept circling.

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Black, brown, and only a little bit of orange, that’s what was left of the gigantic tiger that we looked at, stunned. Most of it was burnt to a crisp except the face with the eyes which didn’t look human but had the emotion of pain anyways. Felix gagged at the smell and the sight. Fear nestled itself in my brain and my soul. So, Yoongi somehow burned the creature down: another beast killer . No wonder they wanted to see us fight. What worried me was that we didn’t see or hear it happen, which means he probably did it at night, so he didn’t sleep. That was not good.

I thought back to the crazier ones in the games. Soyeon had slept a lot. Almost 70% of the games, she was asleep somewhere. The other 30%, she used for hunting and killing the others. Boa had a very irregular sleeping pattern, sleeping only about 4 hours a night before moving on and killing again. The last 3 days of his games The Demon hadn’t slept. You could guess that the level of bad sleeping habits very much depicts the level of crazy.

“Oh, God, I’ll throw up,” Felix gagged.

“It’s meat,” I numbly said.

“What?” he asked, still gagging.

“It’s meat. It’s just meat,” I repeated.

As the vultures were circling down to peck on the rotting carcass, we walked further before stopping rather quickly. We were hungry and tired. Where was Yoongi? Was he hiding? Sleeping, maybe? I half hoped he would come soon. The sooner I managed to kill him, the sooner we could leave, and then I could stuff my face with all kinds of food before traveling home and never thinking or speaking about this experience again, at least until the Victory Tour. “We’ll make it out,” I said half to Lix, half to myself, “We’ll somehow kill him and then make it back home.”

“Of course we will,” Lix said quietly.

Maybe it was just my imagination, but I thought I noticed him take a step away from me. We continued on as my headache got worse. I was too hungry and too tired.

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His black fingertips, his skinny frame, and lips chapped from the heat. The flamethrower was so big and bulky, but his eyes were feral. As I stood looking in shock at the last participant, Felix grabbed my arm, and we ran just as the sound of the flames filled the silence. The heat on my back was painful like the spiders that bit me or the wound on my calf. We ran and ran and while we did it, eyes popped up out of the dark, watching our last battle.

The mutts stood in between the trees, on branches, and between the leaves. It was like a fever dream.

We managed to climb a big tree just in time as we saw Yoongi appear from behind the flames.

He was fast, but his weapon slowed him down.

I shakenly peeked through the leaves.

Dawn had said that he had food, but he looked incredibly malnourished.

His raspy voice filled the air, “Do you think I won’t find you? Both of you? I’ve followed you!”

A shiver ran through my spine. Followed us? For how long? Since when?

“We’ve just been running in circles, Chris! Felix!” he looked around at the trees. “I know how you like to climb up,” he said thoughtfully.

Shit! No! We looked alarmed at each other. We had to leave. Now . As we saw some trees to our left being engulfed in yellows, oranges and reds, we got out and once again ran as fast as we could, but to where though? The big ravine was all around us. The trees weren’t an option anymore. Caves were a dead end.

“Up in the tree,” Felix panted, “We don’t have a choice.”

So we climbed yet again. Luckily for us, the smoke hindered Yoongi’s vision, giving us extra time to hide. Now what? I had no idea how flamethrowers worked. Waiting until it ran out of fuel seemed like a bad option. It could take hours, maybe even days. Starving or burning to death before that happened seemed cruel. Staying in the trees was dangerous. Attacking him…maybe from a long distance…maybe from the back. I took out the bow and arrows that I’d gotten from the sponsors when I was with Bambam and gave them to Felix.

“What-“

“Shoot him. Don’t miss,” I ordered as I pushed them in his hands.

His eyes widened as he realized what was going on, “No.”

“Yes,” I countered.

“No! I’m not letting you die,” he said back.

“Then we both will,” I reasoned.

“Fine,” he stated.

“No,” I said.

“That’s fine by me. I’ll die with you. I’ll die,” he said quickly.

“I’m not letting you die. You’ll live long and happily,” I said.

“But –“

I kissed him. I felt the desperation and the sadness in his response. His hand on my arm, telling me to not sacrifice myself for him, then I got off of the tree and ran. A promise is a promise. As I ran, I thought back to what had happened in the arena so far. Almost being burned to death, killing the beast, meeting Bambam, the fake plants, Bambam’s death, Yuta’s deal, my reflection in the water, and how I killed him…this damn arena. What it made me do. What I did. What it did to me. What it’s still doing to me. Letting my rage fuel me, I ran as far as I could knowing that Yoongi would be close and knowing that Felix would follow me as well, ready to strike him down. Burnt trees were up ahead, so I had to stop. No use going where everything was dead. “Come here!” I yelled as loud as possible as I grabbed my sword, “I said come here !”

Red and orange colors in the near distance were the response to my demands. Out of the smoke, away from the flames, there he stood on the hill, looking at me, menacingly. It was like a scene from a horror movie. It didn’t matter. My fear turned into fury a long while ago. For a second, everything was calm. Only the sounds of the trees burning to crisps and the vultures above me cawing excitingly remained. Then, he ran towards me yelling, and I raised my sword and ran to him roaring. We almost reached each other and he got ready to torch me into ashes, to annihilate me, and to mix me up with the earth.

I got ready to slice his throat, stab his heart, cut his stomach, and let his insides pour out like the spiders in Yuta. Finally, these games would be over. I’d die, but I’d keep my promise, and I was moving on to somewhere that’s better than this messed up world. Felix had a better shot at this life than me, and I wanted to murder Yoongi so badly for trying to fuck that chance up.

Just as Yoongi was ready to pull the handle, something in the forest roared. It was not like the tiger and not like the small cry of a chameleon mutt. It was the loudest roar I’d ever heard. The leaves and even the trees moved with it.

We both turned to the sound in shock as the chameleon mutts ran past us, screaming loudly.

Deep sounding were the steps of the creature.

We couldn’t see it.

It was too far behind the trees, but we were both ready to take it on, whatever it was.

Didn’t we both kill our own beasts before?

“I hate this fucking country,” Yoongi said bitterly as he stood ready to kill it.

I couldn’t help but smile at how dramatic they made the end.

The vultures, the mutts running past us, the flamethrower, the beast, the crippling of the trees, and the smoke in the air. What a year. What a game .

As I raised my sword, ready to fight or die, I got tugged backwards. As I fell down the hill by whatever grabbed me, I got even more mad. This was the end of the games. What the fuck grabbed me this close to my fight with that creature? The thing pulled me into a tiny cave in the roots of a tree as I desperately tried to escape. It pushed me against the tree firmly.

“Stop it!” Felix yelled. Right, it wasn’t a thing . It was Felix holding me desperately.

The mutts ran past us. One of them stopped for a second to look at us with its big, brown eyes, then it ran further til there were no more mutts.

“Odd,” I whispered.

“Yeah, freaky,” Felix responded, looking around, distracted.

“No, they ran from the creature, but they stayed earlier to watch even though…” the gears in my head started turning, and I started shaking all over.

Felix seemed to put the pieces together as well.

They weren't afraid of the fire.

“We have to warn hi – “

But it was too late. The sound of the flamethrower and the fire mixed in with the roars of whatever was sent after us.

We held each other’s hand tightly.

Yoongi’s screams got more desperate instead of angry. “Burn!” he shrieked. “Why won’t you burn?” he cried again, then a roar and howls of pain, “Mommy!”

An incredibly loud cracking noise echoed through the entire forest: cannon sound. It was quiet.

In that second of silence, I noticed how much we were both shaking.

Then, something big flew past us hitting the ground with a loud thump. Blood splattered on everything, including us. Yoongi’s lifeless eyes looked straight at us. His body was broken in a way that I had never seen before as if his ribcage was cracked in two. The silence was loud. Even louder were the sniffs the next second next to my ear.

I almost didn’t dare to glance: big nostrils, scaly skin, and big eyes.

Yellow eyes, yellow glassy eyes. It was blind.

I held my breath, not daring to make a sound even though the spiders were crawling on my back, my sweat dripped down my neck, and all I wanted to do was to run away. I had to steady my heartbeat.

Eventually, like it didn’t have a care in the world, it left. Its footsteps thundered through the arena away from us. A roar sounded in the distance. The vultures flew down and nibbled on the corpse of the last dead participant, ripping off his flesh, and pecking his eyes until the Heli arrived and the big crane took him away from us.

Startled when the microphone speakers peaked, I raised my sword and in panic, looked around ready to attack. I still wasn’t comforted when Donnie’s voice blared through the arena.

“Ladies and gentlemen, this year’s winners of the games, the two participants of District 9! Congratulations!” he yelled out.

It took me a few seconds to realize what he just said. I lowered my sword. This was it: the end. We got to go home now. I should have been glad. I should have been relieved and happy but I didn’t feel happy. Thinking back on previous games, they never really showed the end. They don’t show how the victors celebrate and get on the Heli back home. It just cuts straight to the presenter’s faces.

“Please, get in the Heli,” a voice, not Donnie’s, announced from above as a ladder fell down.

I was startled when it hit the ground. I knew I had to move, but my body wasn’t cooperating. Somehow, the arena felt safer than up in the Heli. I knew the mutts, beasts, the fruits, the vultures, and the fire. No one could tell me what would happen when I got on that Heli. What waited for me back home. To be fair, I wasn’t supposed to get this far. As the person in the Heli ordered me once more to grab the ladder and get up, I decided not to. Maybe they’d come down with their guns and force me to get up, but I wouldn’t. I’d had it with the Capitol. Let me live in the wilderness.

“Chris! Felix!” Dawn’s voice blared from the speakers. It moved something inside of me, woke me up, just a bit. “Please get on the Heli. Let’s go home.” His voice was kind and sad.

Some of the fog that was wrapped around my brain lifted up.I wanted to see him, see a familiar face. “Felix, I think we…I think we have to go.” My voice sounded far away, my body felt like a rock. “Felix…” I turned to him. I’ve never had to use so much effort to move.

Felix was there, but he wasn’t moving or reacting. He wasn’t even looking, not really. Staring straight at where the vultures ate some of the leftover blood, he seemed…empty. His face was covered in blood: Yoongi’s blood. 

I bet I looked the same. “Fuck.” Somehow I managed to get on my knees, and then on my feet. I stumbled a bit, but it was mostly fine. “Okay, come on,” catching my breath and rubbing his back, I hoped that he would wake up and follow me, but he didn’t, so I lifted him up even though I was weak, hungry, and in pain.

He didn’t even walk on his own.

Happy for the electro current that kept us in place on the ladder – another ingenious invention of our abusers –  we got lifted up.

What does one expect when the people who put you in an arena pick you up again? I reckon no one really expects to have 4 soldiers around you aiming their gun at you and yelling, “Drop the weapons!”

“What?” I asked, dazed. Where the hell is Dawn? What are they yelling at me for?

“I said drop the weapons!” they repeated.

“Oh.” I vaguely noticed my sword still in my hand somehow. I dropped it and my knife.

“I said drop them!” they yelled again.

But I did? Ah, yeah, Felix. “Let’s drop the weapons now, yeah?” I said to him slowly while helping him drop his. Well, helped is a big word. I did it all by myself while he stood with the same expression he had before. Okay, all the weapons were dropped.

One of the soldiers walked briskly towards me.

Vaguely I saw him stab a needle in my neck. “What…?” Then I lost consciousness.

As I woke up, it took me a while to realize that I was not in my sleeping bag in some tree, but in some white hospital room with wires attached to me.

“ Everything is fine,” the big sign in front of my bed said.

Everything is fine? A feeling went through my spine up until my neck. Fine? Fine? Nothing was fine! At last, I recognized the feeling: anger. They really just put me in the first room they could to dispose of me! Me ! Their beast killer ! Their victor! No one is here to tell me what’s going on and where the hell was Felix? Where the fuck is Dawn? I pulled out the wires attached to my arm even though it hurt like a bitch. It made me bleed, and my heart monitor machine beeped loudly. God, what an awful, awful noise! I kicked it violently, hoping it would stop. My head hurt.

Some nurses ran into the room, along with Dawn.

“Look who finally arrived, huh!” I yelled at him.

He looked pale as he walked towards me, “Chr-“

“Where are we?” I interrupted.

“We’re in the Capitol,” he answered.

It was quiet for a second, then I punched his eye as hard as I could and jumped on him. We both fell down. “You bastard! You told me we were going home! Liar!” I kept punching as he put his arms up and the nurses dragged me away.

“I’m sorry, we can’t yet!” he tried to explain.

“What about my family? You said I could see my family!” I yelled as I kicked the air, trying to kick anything, anyone, or whatever I could reach. “I want to go home!” my voice faltered. I just really missed my mom, her cooking, and my dad’s kindness. I missed Hannah stressing over exams and Lucas’ bickering. I missed the sea, the beach, and my cave. I missed Felix. I just wanted to go home .

Dawn crawled towards me, and as I opened my mouth to string another line of insults and demands, he took me by my arms and looked at me with a look that said everything at once, and as I looked into those sad and knowing eyes, I broke down. He held me tightly and rubbed my back as I cried into his shoulder.

“My head hurts.” I sobbed.

“We’ll get you something to eat soon,” he said calmly.

I had to stay in the Capitol a little while longer to do some interviews and a recap of the games. When I asked Dawn where Felix was, he told me that he was sick and couldn’t participate in any of it. Selfishly, I told Dawn that I couldn’t do it alone. Felix had to be with me. Someone had to be with me. Everyone else that knew my games was dead.

“He wouldn’t be much help, trust me. He needs rest…” Dawn tried to explain.

“I can’t- I can’t do it. Tell them I’m sick, too. I can’t do it alone,” I pleaded.

“I’m sorry, someone has too,” Dawn responded.

“No, not me. Not me,” I tried again. I still had to do it.

They prepared me the best they could, trying to make me gain weight in one week so that the Capitol citizens didn’t realize the true horrors of the games, refreshing my memory on politeness and conversation, and giving me a haircut. The first time that I took a shower, I stood under it for an hour and a half scrubbing away the tiny little spiders everywhere until my skin turned red and irritated. After that, I still didn’t feel clean, and I could feel them crawling in my hair, so I took another bath and put my entire body under water. I was sure I heard the creature’s footsteps, though, it might have been the beating of my heart.

Hyuna was less excited than I expected her to be. Maybe now that she saw the aftermath, she finally understood the meaning of the games more clearly. Before our fitting session, she was very anxious about showing me her outfit. Her eyes darted between the big box and me, almost not wanting to show it.

I understood why once I laid eyes on the fabric. It looked like crocodile skin. I really wished she hadn’t done that. Even with all the hours we had spent together that made me like her, at that exact moment, I lost every bit of respect I once had for her and replaced it with disdain.

Ask me anything about the interviews, and I wouldn’t be able to answer. I was gone again. Replaced by someone who was able to be charming and joyful, who sat in that big yellow chair and laughed along even when they showed me clips and pieces of the games: Bambam’s death, Yuta being consumed, and me finding Felix. I saw what Yuta meant earlier: I did look crazy, scary, even: just like Boa, just like the other two.

Even Donnie, usually very cheery and happy, didn’t dare ask me too much or look me in the eye.

I turned my head away when they showed the creature that Bambam had seen, and I did again for whatever had mimicked the baby.

Then, they showed and explained Yoongi’s strategy. Dawn was right, he did have food. He ate little of it day by day and followed us around. He never slept. He killed the tiger at night. He was smart, so smart to wait until we were starving to attack us. If they hadn’t sent the creature, he would have definitely won.

Maybe he should have because the next time I saw Felix, I knew there was nothing left but a dead-eyed zombie.

He didn’t respond to anything anyone asked or said. The only time his voice was heard was in screams.

I slowly started to realize then, that I was truly alone.

Chapter Text

I didn’t have dreams the first few weeks after the games. When I closed my eyes, everything always just faded to darkness. I guess it was because I was so tired; or so dead inside from the horrors I’d seen that my brain didn’t even try to dream.

However, after about four weeks of trying to keep Felix alive by calming down his hysterics at night as well as four weeks of interviews, camera flashing, and running from one place to the next, my fight or flight response seemed to have ebbed away which gave my brain too much liberty to think about what had happened. The first time I had the nightmare, it went a little like this: I stood in a vast, empty, pitch black space. Around me was the reptile, maybe 20 or 30 times bigger than the snake I had encountered in the arena. I couldn’t see its face, but it was slithering in a circle around me as if it was ready to choke me and eat me alive. 

Someone called out my name.

I turned around, and there he stood, bloody, skinny, his face pale and gray, and his hair matted: Bambam.

In his neck was a big, gaping wound- bigger than the one in the arena as almost everything seemed to be except Bambam, who was smaller than I remembered.

I started to scream except it wasn’t a sound that came out of me.

They were big, hairy spiders that crawled out of my mouth, spinning its webs around the reptile that was still circling us. The ground around Bambam opened up, and four rattlesnakes around all of his sides stood up until they reached his neck.

I heard someone scream, but I didn’t know who it was.

Then, in unison, the rattlesnakes attacked his throat. Bambam screamed something at me. It seemed important, but I couldn’t understand him. The biting and screaming happened about six more times before I woke up again in sweat with a dry mouth, heaving and pushing the covers off of me. They felt restricting, somehow, as if they were snakes waiting to grab my legs and pull me to their lair.

After a few minutes of listening to the sound of the waves to try and calm myself down, I realized the screaming in my dream came from Felix down the hall.

The second night I had the nightmare, it was pretty much the same up until the spiders. Instead of the hairy, web-spinning creatures, a hand-sized crab crawled out of my mouth. I followed its steps closely until it got speared. I had followed the spear until I saw its owner, Felix. I watched his face closely. He had tiny splatters of blood on him that could be seen as extra freckles if you didn’t look too closely at them. ”This crab is perfect,” he said as he raised his hand and stabbed it again except it wasn’t the crab anymore. 

It was the boy from district 5. With every stab he inflicted on the boy, Felix got more and more blood on himself. Eventually, there were no more features to identify Felix by. He was a mannequin of blood. A mannequin that kept on stabbing again and again and again and again and again.

Hyuna drove by on a ridiculous pink bicycle with flowers in all colors tied to the wheel. She gasped, “Oh you are so beautiful!”

I was confused because the blood soaked fleshy creature was everything but.

”Your freckles, and your posture, and your blood !” she enthused as she unlocked her big glittery makeup box. Putting both her hands in, she cupped some blood and threw it on him. No, not threw, but molded. The liquid substance became clay-like in her hands. She molded an incredible amount of red, blooded clothes: skirts, pants, sweaters, shirts, wedding gowns, and swimming shorts. She created a sword handle on top of his head as if he was the weapon. She molded him into a weapon for the Capitol.

I demanded that she stop. She didn’t listen. She made a tiny alligator as a scarf for him. It jumped off his shoulders and bit my face. I woke up screaming, cupping my face, and checking every centimeter for teeth marks and blood.

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The third night, the big snake wasn’t a snake. It was a giant alligator hissing and making incredibly loud sounds every time he put his weight down. I could see its head in the distance and its long, yellow teeth. It licked its lips, ready to eat me. Luckily for me, I woke up before it had the chance to.

The fourth dream happened about three weeks later. There was a thunderstorm, and I guess that’s what triggered it. There was no reptile, but the train that transported us circled around me.

Dawn hung out of the driver’s window. “Ladies and gentlemen, the 100th Hunger Games!” he cheered.

Hyuna ran towards me, opened up her glittery box, and threw blood on me. “Oh the Capital!” she laughed maniacally, “The capitol will love this!” She skipped away. Her blue and pink tutu left behind waterfalls with pearls in them.

I was standing in a pool now. The water was purple, blue, and actually, quite beautiful.

Eyes in the distance looked at me: yellow and reptilian. The alligator stood up on its legs. “District 10” was pinned on its stomach. It spoke with a little girl’s voice, “You killed my brother.”

I shook my head, “No, he was going to kill me. I had no choice.”

“And now, I have no brother, and there’s no longer a son for my mother,” the alligator started weeping loudly and thrashing in the water as tears of pearls fell out of its eyes. “Oh brother! Oh brother!” she wept.

I wept along.

She sat down, hands on her knees. Her long snout turned, looking at something in the distance. She was eerily quiet.

Then, something pulled me under. It flipped me up and down and up and down. I anticipated when I could breathe again, but I was not at the surface. I was under waterfalls and pearls., Then, Felix and myself stood over me.

“It’s a good crab,” Felix said.

The other me shook his head, “No, it’s not. It’s too weak. It will never survive the games.”

Hyuna and Dawn stood beside them, “It’s too ugly. It doesn’t know how to win over the crowd.”

More and more people, things, and beings looked down on me now, talking all at once: stylists, Capitol citizens, mutts, alligators, snakes, Donnie, and the president.

“It’s never known how to be hungry.”

“I don’t think it’s that strong.”

“Look at its nose.”

“We can fix that.”

“Put him under the knife.”

“Break his shell.”

“Break his heart.”

“Yesssssssss break hissss hearttttt.”

“Make him a Capitol sweetheart.”

“No!” I turned in the water with my eyes closed, “Leave me alone! I’m not any of these things! Leave me alone!” I grabbed my sheets and buried my wet face into my pillow. It took me a few minutes to realize that I was awake.

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Spite. I know it’s silly, to act out of spite towards people that didn’t technically exist and technically, never said that to me outside of a dream, but it still fueled me.

Hyuna did say that I had to change my appearance in real life, that’s true. I never knew how to be hungry, that’s true. They did send me to the arena, that’s true. Every participant had to act like a capital sweetheart, that’s true. These things did happen to me even if people pretended it didn’t.

So, one morning at breakfast, I ate a big meal with a lot of meat and vegetables, planning to keep my training up. I blended fruit and juice for a boost, needing all the energy I could get. I stopped for a minute to decide whether or not to make Felix some food when I realized that I was also mad at him. I was mad at him for leaving me to deal with this all on my own and mad at him because he refused to talk, refused to eat, and refused to even look me in the eyes. It wasn’t his fault. I knew that, but I also knew that I needed him to be there for me, as well, instead of in another room because I couldn’t handle his screams or his silence anymore. 

One night that I had those awful dreams, I had been wondering who to talk to about them. Not my family, they always looked at me with that look in their eyes; that pity, that worry, and that…that fear. No, not them and not Dawn or Hyuna.

I hadn’t seen them in weeks since they were so busy. I didn’t want to discuss it through the phone, and frankly, I was mad at them. I had considered Soyeon for a while, but even though she lived in our village, we didn’t talk and I didn’t know her that well.

Besides, she had been in the games too. If I reminded her, maybe she’d end up just like Felix. Then, there’d only be me left. So, after a long while, I had decided to ask Felix about his nightmares. If he explained them to me, I would tell him mine as well. If he stayed quiet, I would drop it. No use giving him visuals for his own dark nights, so I asked him. 

He stayed quiet.

I waited a long time before leaving, hoping he would at least give me a look. He didn’t. He just stared at the sea, like always.

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I moved into another house in the Victor's Village that evening, not knowing how to tell his family that I wouldn’t go back to take care of him, that I blamed him for leaving, and that their son and sibling would never come back again, Never. I realized that they might hate me, but that was fine. I did my part. I had brought him home, but the state that I brought him back in was awful, so I wasn’t even sure if I kept my promise well, to be honest. I was furious at him, I blamed myself for being furious at him, and I blamed Felix for me blaming myself for being furious at him. 

I walked out of the house after I had given myself enough time to digest my meal, and I went towards the beach. I passed Soyeon, who was tending to her garden. We looked at each other for a few seconds. Since she lived right next door to me, she must have heard my screams and my wails often.

Eventually, I gave her a nod. Like I did every day. 

She gave one back, as usual.

I went on towards the sea.

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Twenty minutes. It took about twenty minutes before I was able to get into the sea, which is absurd. I’d lived my whole life by the ocean. I swam before I could walk and now? Now, I was scared of it. I was scared of the monsters from the arena that could have followed me here. For twenty minutes long, I just kind of stood there, sheepishly. How do I walk again? How do I swim? How do I even breathe? Step by step. Breathing should be easy. I closed my eyes and took big gulps in and big gulps out. The air was salty, windy, and cold, not like the damp, hot, and stinky water from the swamp, not like the water where the reptiles laid hidden, not like where Bambam died in my arms, and not like where I clasped his hands while blood squirted out of his neck while he slowly died in my arms. Not where I held him -

Okay! so I failed step one. Breathing was even harder now. Tears started forming in my eyes, but the accusations from my dreams still stayed in the back of my head, and the last time I saw Felix was fresh in my memory. Spite. I imagined Donnie joking about how I would ever win the games if I couldn’t even breathe. I tried the same exercise but with my eyes open and again for a third time for good measure. Okay, step one, breathing, was done. Now walking. I walked a bit to the right and back. Okay, walking worked. Now swimming . I looked at the ocean. What was once so natural to me, now felt like a stranger’s land. Like I was a tourist, and there was no one around to show me the roads to my hotel, but I once again took it step by step. Walking a little bit into it, getting adjusted to the cold and the waves, and walking a bit more till it was hip deep. How are you feeling right now? There was no panic and no hyperventilation. I used my fingers to make some waves in the water, picking it up and inspecting it closely as if I’d never seen it before. I walked further and further. Now swim. I pushed myself forward and used my arms to propel myself. I was swimming. Then, I dived under. I could see clearly.

The fish that I used to fish, corals – not the same ones me and Felix used to swim past –, bubbles, starfish, rocks, and seaweed. I took in the colors: pinks, blues, purples, oranges, whites, reds, and blacks. Oh ocean , how I’ve missed you . 

After I trained for about half an hour for swimming, I traveled back home. Passing Soyeon again, I realized she had been watching me closely. Her smile indicated something of proudness and relief – maybe she thought I was going to end up like Felix – but her eyes had some sadness in it because she has been here longer than me, and she still couldn’t bear to go swimming. I tried telling her she could swim with me whenever she liked, but she turned around quickly. I saw a tear rolling down her cheek before she briskly walked into her house.

Back at the house I moved to not that long ago, I opened up one of the rooms that I never went in. At first, I couldn’t even imagine why I would use any of them. I pushed the old furniture out of the way, dusted everything off, swept the floor, and polished the windows. Then, I called Dawn and asked for a favor. Two days later, the training mannequins stood in the middle of it.

“I couldn’t get you swords,” Dawn said, “The capitol doesn’t really like victors having weapons.”

“Are they scared of an uprising?” I asked in disgust.

Dawn shrugged, “Guess so. I’m a bit confused why you wanted all the puppets to be red, though.”

I looked at the red mannequins, thinking about my dreams. “Don’t worry about it,” I said.

Dawn ran his fingers through his hair. He had switched from green to blond. I liked it better because it made him look less like a Capital citizen. He sighed, “Weird choice. How’s Felix doing? We haven’t really heard from him for a while.”

“Dunno,” I said shortly.

“Trouble in paradise?” he asked.

I looked him in the eyes. Didn’t he know? That I blamed him for that as well? Dawn, who had still dressed me up and told me what to do when I was fresh out of the games and a wreck? Who lied to me about going home? He must have because he avoided my gaze after that.

I looked at the blood red mannequins that stood before me. I would kick them, punch them, bite them, and destroy them all. The mannequins that haunt my dreams that I would no longer allow take a hold of me. The only thing I could truly take revenge on.

Something about my face must have scared Dawn, because he seemed a little startled and didn’t really talk anymore. Yes, I would destroy those mannequins as if they were really a Capitol’s weapon, just like how I would destroy myself if I were to be one again.

Chapter Text

The months after passed quickly, almost too quickly for my taste. Every day, I went out swimming and running, and every evening, I took out my anger on the red mannequins that I pretended were the same ones from my nightmares. I had to call Dawn a lot, asking him to replace some of the ones I destroyed completely.

Eventually, he got sick of my demands and sent me a dozen of them with a note that said, “ Please, for the love of God, don’t ruin all of these at once .”

I called him up to tell him I was sorry, and also to ask how Hyuna was doing because I started to feel bad for being so angry at her. Hyuna was doing fine. Apparently, she landed a big job as a stylist for a runway. I was genuinely happy for her, but couldn’t shake off the fact that she got it because she dressed us up for slaughter.

As for the mannequins, well, I couldn’t help it. It was the only thing I could take my anger out on. The only thing I could see as getting revenge without getting in trouble. The only thing that made me take my mind off of everything that happened.

Each and every stab – with the kitchen knife since I wasn’t allowed an actual weapon – represented the things I wanted revenge for: the games, Felix, the blood, Yuta, the pearls, the snakes, the alligators, the nightmares, the train, the clothes, Hyuna, Dawn, the games, Bambam, the games, the games, the games, and Felix. Felix. I still didn’t visit him. Sometimes, I saw his family outside of his house, and because they were always nice to me and didn’t mean any harm, I would try to awkwardly make conversation with them - despite what they had made me promise. 

It was always the same though: Felix wasn’t improving. They were sorry about how things went between us. They tried to tell me that it wasn’t his fault, and that maybe visiting him would help. That’s usually when I left them, because I knew that it wouldn’t. I had tried begging him to wake up for so long, but it never helped anyone, not me, not him, not his family, or his friends. Felix didn’t seem to care about himself getting better, so why would I?

I was getting better though, kind of. The exercises helped, the ocean became a safe place for me again and I talked more and more to Soyeon. She had become so nice to me. Once, I had tried to make her swim again, but when the water came up to her thighs, she had a panic attack and I had to pull her out and try to calm her down. That upset me greatly,  because I had to calm down Felix so many times when we came back that I never wanted to be responsible for another person’s mental state again. Even so, she was grateful for me doing so. 

It had been almost half a year since the games passed. I hated that. That meant that the Victory tour was soon. That's when the victors travel around all of Daehan’s districts to give speeches and go to parties – usually hosted by the 94th games district 7 winner, Jackson – and the tour where we see every family from the dead participants to tell them how sorry - or not sorry - we were. I was not looking forward to it. Not only was I forced to look back at all the people that wanted me dead, but I was going to be dressed up like a doll again and told what to do and what to say.

Assuming they weren’t going to drag Felix out of his room away from his window looking out on the ocean, I was meant to do this all by myself.

Wondering how I was going to face not only Bambam’s family, but also Yuta’s, made me even more anxious. I suppressed the anxiety by practicing almost around the clock. I swam more, spent more time with the mannequins, and ran almost four hours a day. Sometimes I asked Soyeon to teach me some fight moves, which she did. I barely slept, but when I did, I was plagued with nightmares about Bambam, the weeping alligator, snakes, trains, and mannequins.

One day, when Soyeon came into my room to ask me if I was ready to practice, my body was too exhausted to even walk, and my mind was screaming at me. At last, my mental and physical limits were met. At last, the games caught up to me again. She had put another blanket around me, as I silently wept under the covers of my bed and she stayed with me through the day, providing me food, water, and companionship.

I felt like I was turning into Felix, which was an awful feeling. I forced myself to sit upright to do something, but Soyeon pushed me back down with a stern look. I got a fever. This wasn’t a normal fever, like when I was a child. You see, when I was little, my mom would usually hand me syrup and tissues and sing to me. No matter how old I was or what kind of degree of pain I was in, she would treat me like her little child, but now my mom was gone, living far from me in my childhood home and thinking of me as an inhumane killing machine. I had to depend on Soyeon to wake me up when I drifted into a fever induced nightmare about Hyuna styling me into Bambam’s skin that they ripped off of his corpse and I had started screaming.

On one hand, I was happy that my family didn’t see me writhing and screaming about murder and the games. It would only make them more anxious and in pain, but on the other hand, I so badly wanted my mom to be here and to take care of me that I accidentally called Soyeon “mom” in my feverish state. I cringed, and she cringed too.

Then, she told me that it’s okay, and that she wished her father was still with her. She told me he left her family once they had caught her in love with another girl from her hometown, Soojin.

I had asked her where Soojin was now. She didn’t elaborate.

I was too afraid and too sick to ask. Instead, I held her hand until I fell asleep to dream about secret lovers who got dressed in ridiculous cheerleader outfits and had to battle against one another with balloons and glitter. It was ridiculous and weird, but I was glad it was something different for a change.

The fever lasted about a week. Soyeon took good care of me, and I told her I would get her a free bathing suit if she wanted to. She still didn’t swim, but it was good for sunbathing. She took up the offer and told me I had to get the most expensive one in the shop, which we both laughed about. I promised her I wouldn’t train my body to that extent anymore.

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Even though I could technically start training again, I still stayed in bed for a few more days, thinking about the tour.

What kind of clothes would Hyuna make? What kind of speeches would the Capitol give me to read? It was almost driving me nuts, so much so that I decided that I needed a hobby besides training, so I tried to draw, paint, and bake, but I wasn’t creative or handy enough. Then, it was watching old movies, but they were boring. Every action movie now felt fake, and they triggered me. I tried designing clothes like Hyuna did, cutting and sewing them myself, but everything looked awful. After I accidentally sewed two sleeves – or what was supposed to resemble sleeves anyway – together, I frustratedly gave up and started working out again.

The work outs from the past few months weren’t wasteful. I felt healthier, and I was bulkier. My arms were bigger. My toned stomach turned into a full six-pack. I thought the Capitol citizens would like that, so Hyuna would definitely highlight them. Then, suddenly, I felt like a fool.

Of course the citizens would like that .

Of course I did just the thing that would turn them on. I gave them what they wanted. I wanted to disappear into thin air. Instead, I put on my running shoes and was planning to take a long run to clear my mind. Except when I opened the door –

“Surprise!” Bright pink hair in two ponytails, gems under her eyes, a long, pink, sparkling dress, strawberry perfume, and long, golden gloves left no questions about who it was that stood on my front door.

“Hyuna!” I said, half surprised and half annoyed, “What are you doing here? The tour isn’t for another two weeks!”

“Well, that’s why we’re here!” she said excitedly, “To prepare you to the fullest!” She whipped her hair so it fell on her back, “You and Felix that is.”

“Oh.” I didn’t think they would actually drag him away from his depression room. I didn’t know how I felt about that. Relieved? At least I didn’t have to do everything alone now. Something told me that he wasn’t going to be a lot of help, though.

Dawn appeared with two suitcases and two backpacks on him. “God, you have so much stuff,” he huffed to her.

“So much? This isn’t even the newest collection. I had to come here in last month’s collection instead!” she whined. I couldn’t help but smile. Maybe she was a bit much sometimes, but she was so hard to stay mad at.

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After we ate a big meal – “It was so delicious Chris, the public must know how good of a chef you are!” -  the three of us went over the plans for the next two weeks. The day after, they would go to Felix to see what state he was in, and if he was ready for the tour. Then, they would go over outfits, speeches, mannerisms, interviews, makeup, and so on.

I told them that it was no use visiting Felix. He hadn’t spoken in months. He barely moved and barely ate. He was basically dead already. No amount of pleading would get him back, yet Dawn and Hyuna were determined to try. “Once he sees us, all the happy memories of the Capitol food and scenery will come flooding back. Then, he absolutely won’t want to miss out on the beef with cherry flavored potatoes,” Hyuna said.

Dawn and I exchanged a look. How would we tell her that all of the “ happy ” memories of the Capitol were about murder and fear? I bit my tongue and asked if they wanted desert instead. I gave them some store bought cake.

Dawn asked me why I didn’t make my own dessert, since my cooking was so good. I shrugged to avoid explaining that Felix was the one who was really bad at cooking, but really good at baking. It was a running joke between us that we completed each other that way. I took care of the meal, and he took care of the cakes. My mom used to ask him to bake his famous brownies for her all the time before the games.

I felt a sharp pain in my chest. I wasn’t sure if the pain was caused by the memory of Felix or my mom. Maybe it was because I longed for the time before the games. Maybe it was all three. It didn’t matter because at the end of the day all three were gone. I excused myself to get some milk before they could notice that I had tears in my eyes.

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Dawn told me almost twenty times that I didn’t have to come along to see Felix. If it was too hard, I could just stay at home and not worry about him. I told him that I wanted to. I actually, really did. I hadn’t seen him in so long that I wanted to see his perfect freckled face one last time before I went on tour. Maybe it would help us both. Maybe it wouldn’t. I wouldn’t know unless I tried. There must have been some sort of hope inside of me that he would see me, recognize me, realize how much he misses me, and wake up. No matter how much I pushed that hope down, it came up again mostly because of Hyuna, who talked almost the entire day about how I could help him and how much he loved me. Damn it, Hyuna, get out of my head.

“Oh young love is so precious!” she had sighed, as if anything about this situation was actually romantic instead of painful and humiliating.

I thought back of those times I sat on my knees beside him, holding his hand and asking him to please, please come back to me, to talk to me, and to look at me. If that was too hard, to blink at me. I had asked with tears in my eyes, a runny nose, and a fresh memory of the games, but he never did. I took that as he didn’t love me as much as I thought he did, but maybe now he remembered. Maybe .

He was depressed and traumatized, but so was I. He needed help and comfort, but so did I. A battle continued to rage inside of me: love vs hatred, sadness vs anger, and hope vs desperation. In the end, I wasn’t sure what would win, exactly.

Dawn and Hyuna had notified his family that they were coming, and I told Soyeon. Everybody was present to see if he would react. If he was ready to live his life again. I kind of wished that it was just the two of us, because I didn’t want to break down in front of so many people. We went into the room, and sure enough, there he was, sitting in the exact same spot on the windowsill, looking at the ocean and not noticing or caring that we had arrived.

His parents spoke to him first, saying how much they missed him, and that he should please just answer them. I knew they didn’t do it, so he could go on the Victory tour. They missed their child. Another pain in my chest rose up because I missed my parents, too. His sisters tried as well, but still no luck. He didn’t care. The pain of living would be too great.

Then, it was Hyuna’s turn. She grabbed his hand, “Felix, my pretty boy, it was really a great honor to be your stylist,” She touched his cheek lightly with her thumb. I noticed that she had a manicure that matched the colors of her outfit. “and I want to be again. You can come on the Victory tour with us, you know. I can put you in so many beautiful clothes,” she continued. Perplexed, I wondered how and why pretty clothes would help his condition. When my pleading and his family’s love didn’t help, why would velvet and cashmere be of any use?

“You know, Felix, if you come, there will be so much delicious food. Beef, pudding, and even that delicious Capitol bread you love so much,” she continued.

Okay, now I was offended. Bread? Seriously?  Everyone had been talking about how they loved him, about childhood memories, days of swimming in the sea, helping out his mom with her sketches, and taking his sisters to the fair. She was talking about bread? Capitol bread?

I was about to cuss her out, but then he turned to her. He actually turned to her. The first thing I noticed was how skinny he was, even skinnier than the last time I saw him. I noticed how his freckles hadn’t seen sunlight in so long that they were barely visible. I noticed his cracked lips and the dark circles under his eyes. I noticed how he had some stubble because his last shave was a while ago, but he looked, really looked , at Hyuna. I heard someone gasp. I didn’t know who. I didn’t care.

With a voice that hadn’t spoken in 6 months he whispered, “Bread?”

Hyuna nodded, “Bread.” she repeated.

Felix nodded as if he had remembered something, and then, he turned back to the window with the same glassy eyes he had before, closed off from the world. He didn’t look at anyone else.

He didn’t look at me.

His parents hugged each other.

He didn’t look at me. I called out his name. Surely, he would look at me. He didn’t look at me. I called him again but nothing changed.

“ Oh young love is so precious!”

Suddenly, I knew which emotion won. It wasn’t sadness or despair. It wasn’t hope. It wasn’t happiness. I was livid . Those days where I begged, pleaded, and cried flashed before my eyes.

“ That delicious Capital bread you love so much”

“I wonder what you see when you have nightmares.”

“Bread? ”

I had tried so hard. Did I try enough? I didn’t try enough, but I had tried more than fucking Hyuna. I had tried more than the stylist that dressed us up pretty to die. I had tried more than the woman who molded blood into swords and wedding gowns for him to wear, but that was in my dream, or was it? What difference did it make by now? She dressed us up to die and talked about bread, and somehow that was rewarded. Felix had decided that she was more valuable than me. He wanted to speak, but just for her, not for me. Never for me.

So many things went through my mind at once: glittery makeup boxes, pink bikes, months of silence, no looking, no talking, no blinking, pink wigs, the games, hours at the beach, crabs, manicures, pearls, the cave where we first kissed, interviews, alligator skin, Bambam’s skin, staying up late to talk, spiders, snakes, The ocean, cherry flavored potatoes, and bread. Bread. Something snapped inside of me. Something filled with red mannequins and empty silence.

Felix’s sisters were talking excitedly. Cameras flashed. Donnie.

Someone grabbed my shoulder, and that’s when I exploded. “Are you fucking kidding me?” I yelled out before I could stop myself.

Dawn grabbed me as I ran forward, but despite his fit physique, he wasn’t strong enough. Months of training helped me as I elbowed his stomach. He fell down with a grunt as Hyuna screamed and ran towards him.

Good. It wasn’t her that I wanted to hurt, not yet at least. “Bread?” I yelled as I grabbed Felix’s face. I felt someone’s arms pulling me back. Olivia? His father? I didn’t know. I didn’t care. “Look at me!” I yelled again, making sure that he was facing me head-on.

Somewhere between me elbowing Dawn, and someone pulling me back, my vision had gotten blurry, but I squinted the tears out and looked him in the face. He didn’t look at me. His eyes were glazed as always. He looked mildly confused, but that was it. He was back in his own world.

I kept yelling in his face telling him to look at me. Why didn’t he look at me?

More arms tried to grab me. Dawn and Felix’s father pulled me away eventually.

“That’s enough!” his father said sternly. I heard the pity in his voice. Right, everyone pities me, but no one ever helps me. I screamed, I kicked, and I yelled. The Capital would love this . Somewhere between the hallway and the front door, I shouted out that she made swords out of blood and pearls out of teeth. I don’t quite remember the rest.

Outside, his father pleaded with me. “Please!” he sounded tired. He grabbed my collar and put my face up to his, “Please, he’s sick!” he begged me more.

I spit on his tired and sad face. “So am I!” I yelled, but nobody really cared.

His voice lowered, “I know.” His tone of pity only angered me more.

“What do you know old man?!” My throat was hoarse. I tried to hit him, but they held my arms in a way, so it wasn’t possible for me to do so. “You don’t know anything about pearls and swords!” I yelled. Suddenly, I laughed, and I laughed, and I laughed, and I couldn’t stop laughing as they dragged me into my house. Pearls and swords. Camera flashes and bread. It felt like a bad play, like a performance. That was it: a performance. None of this was real. Tomorrow, I would wake up to my mother stroking my hair telling me I was sick. When I would ask her about the games, she would ask me what I was talking about. I was too old for the games and too old to kill. I must’ve had bad dreams.

They threw me in a room and closed the door. I kicked it and punched it until my hands bled and my feet hurt. I yelled until my throat gave out. I cried, but the door was locked. Somewhere, in between my sobs, I fell asleep. I dreamt about swords and pearls, finding it quite ironic.

The stinging of my knuckles, the pain in my throat, and the feeling of someone stroking my hair was what I felt when I woke up. I convinced myself it was my mom. I kept my eyes closed to convince myself even more, but I knew it wasn’t her. She would never do it like that, from the side of my head to the bottom. She always stroked my hair from the top of my head to the back.

Still, I kept my eyes closed. I tried to remember what happened yesterday. Bread and pearls. I was confused, I was tired. I wished that my mom was there and that she talked to me, but I knew I had lost everything. I had finally accepted it. I was no longer a boy from the sea. I was a boy from the Capitol. I was a weapon, a dress-up doll, an orphan, a monster killer,  and a sexualized object. I was a violent, crazy, maniac and a murderer. The boy that Bambam trusted was no more. The boy that was sick in his mother’s lap was long gone. Now, there was only a Capitol man. Still, I kept my eyes closed. I pretended for a good long while further before I fell asleep.

Someone shushed me and rocked me back to sleep. I pretended it was Felix.

Salt air, empty stares, caves, bread, laughter and silence.

I woke up again. Someone sang to me. I told them that my head hurt, and I weakly remember them saying that they knew. I thought of my friends. My friends on the playground at school and in the bar, gossiping about whatever news they knew. Where were they now that I needed someone? Yes, I am alone. I am the Capitol. I took on a beast and killed it. I might be God.

I woke up again. I am alone. I am lonely . I heard voices from behind closed doors. Audiences, good. They want a show. They want body and manners. Let’s put on a show. Let’s be entertaining. My death has to be graphic. Fire on my skin. I fell asleep again.

Donnie’s head on top of an alligator’s body spoke to me, “Well, well, well look at this. The man lost the game.”

I shrugged, “I didn’t lose the game. I won.”

“No, no, no, no, young man, nobody ever wins the games. The games never end. They are everlasting,” he explained.

“Well then, I should get ready to entertain, huh?” I asked.

“That’s what I like to hear!” he laughed.

A curtain rolled up. A big audience appeared. “Tell us something funny!” they yelled in unison.

“Bread and pearls,” I said numbly.

They all laughed.

“He’s so charming!” someone said.

“Yes but he’s so ugly! Look at his nose,” someone else said.

I shrugged again, “Noses can be altered.”

They all cheered now, “He’s so profound! Truly a master of this generation of Hunger Games!”

“Thank you,” I said.

They loved me. It rained glitter.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around and there she stood: my mother. Well, maybe standing is a great word. She cowered, hunched over almost on the ground, “My son.”

I could see the fear in her eyes. “Are you scared of me, mother?” I asked.

“Yes,” she responded.

“Because I am a killer?” I asked.

“Yes,” she repeated.

I felt my smile grow wide, “Good.” I felt my teeth changing. I realized now that I was the alligator. I was the beast. I killed myself in the arena. I laughed. Somehow, someway, my entire life led up to this. All of it was just for me to have this realization. People tell me I am God. I might as well be. I lost it all and was reborn: perfection. I laughed, “Cower before me, mother.”

She cowered and cowered. Each second, she got smaller: the size of a human, then the size of a child, then the size of a flower, until she was no more than a tiny spider.

I heard a bell.

There she was on her pink bike with her pink hair, green tutu, and an orange hat.

“Make me look pretty,” I demanded.

Hyuna threw blood on me. She molded me. She gave me claws and scales. I thanked her, then, I ate her.

“Why are you eating me?” she wept dramatically.

“Because these are the games, and you must die for me to live. Just like I had to be in them for you to style your pretty little models,” I explained. “You made me into who I am. I thank you as much as I hate you,” I told her. Then, she was gone.

I was in a chair that was too little for my big claws and big tail.

Donnie sat in a chair too big for his own body. “So tell us about your interests, Chris.”

“I break what I touch, and I push my body until I run a fever then, I yell out to my mother like a child,” I told him.

Donnie laughed, and laughed, and laughed. He laughed so hard that he turned into a ball and rolled away. He was immediately replaced by Dawn. His hair was green one second and blonde the next.

“To survive is to change. Adapt to these speeches and social conversations or die,” he demanded.

I growled at him, “They love me.”

The audience cheers.

“Only because I made you. They would never love the real you,” he said as his hair turned green.

“No, I am the real me. They didn’t love me when I was a weak little man, but they love me now because I killed myself, and I killed the alligator’s brother. They love the murderer and the God,” I responded.

Dawn looked at me for a long time. His hair changed from green to blonde to green to blonde. Then, he pushed his chair backwards and disappeared.

Who was left? I looked around.

The audience was cheering. The audience was cowering, but there was no one else but me and the cameras.

I smiled bright and long until my jaws started to hurt. Then, I ate the cowering little people. When I woke up, I realized that I had truly lost my mind.

Chapter Text

My jaw still hurt when I woke up, but I didn’t care. It was actually hilarious, the way that my dreams had shown me who I really was. I kept on smiling.

Dawn and Hyuna came into the room and looked at me, scared, confused, and perplexed. I must’ve looked Insane, but I didn’t care. I was ready to go to the capitol. Let me go to the capitol and talk about my kills. Put me in another game. I laid down on the floor and looked up to them like a mutt watching its prey.

They went outside to talk, “We can’t let him go like this. He’s going insane.” I heard through muffled doors. That’s right, but you can’t leave me here. I’m the star of the show.

“I’m afraid we don’t have a choice. We can’t send Felix, he’s too fragile.”

Yes, fragile. I’m not fragile. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been. I don’t look outside of windows. I’ve trained. I’ve realized. There was silence.

“Dawn, he scares me.”

Another silence. A few moments passed and then the door opened only slightly. I could see Dawn looking at me. There was a few minutes of eye contact. He looked at me as if I was an angry beast that should be studied. In some ways, I guess I was. I looked at him smiling, jaw hurting, anticipating what he was going to do. Still with that suspicious and cautious look, he closed the door again. “Let’s clean him up,” I heard him say. Hyuna sighed.

A few moments later, I was hanging over the bathtub, still smiling. I was so happy. I was going to meet the people that wanted me dead once more. I would tell them that I was fine, and they would love me.

Hyuna shakingly took the hose of the bathtub and started spraying my hair.

“Yes,” I said eagerly, “make me pretty.”

Something about my voice must have been awful, because she started shaking even more. I laughed. All this power she had over me with her pretty clothes and jewelry. All the power to decide if I could live or die. Now the roles were reversed. I could kill her in a heartbeat like I had done with Yuta. Right, why shouldn’t I ?

Dawn came into the bathroom and took the job over. We didn’t talk.

I was the one to break the silence, “I’ve won the games,”

Dawn didn’t respond. He just washed my hair. Then, he took care of my knuckles. I wondered if he would still do that if we weren’t going to the capitol or if he would leave me again to be on my own. It didn’t matter. I could make him do it for me.

“Did you enjoy watching me kill?” I asked. I was genuinely curious.

He stopped bandaging my knuckles for a second. Then, he finished the job and left me in my room.

I guess he didn’t care if I heard him close the lock or not.

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In my dreams, I ate all of the red mannequins.

They tasted like flu medicine and fruit.

I laughed and laughed. Then, I growled at my mother who turned into coral.

She shook all over and broke down.

I laughed and laughed. I smashed Felix’s window with my big, strong tail.

A big wave came, and swept him along.

I laughed and laughed.

Soyeon sat at the end of my bed, watching me and me watching her. “You laugh in your sleep,” she said calmly. 

“Oh,” I said. I realized that I was finally awake. By now, I guess my brain must’ve healed a little bit. The weird high I had the last few days had faded, and all I felt was shame. “Did I scare you?” I asked. 

“No,” she responded, still calm.

“Why not?” I asked.

She shrugged, “Because I know your delusions will end at some point. Maybe not now, but sometime,”

“Yeah, maybe,” I sighed. Honestly by now, all that I could feel was a little bit of shame and a big hole of emptiness inside of me. I couldn’t see a future where I wasn’t crazy anymore.

“I know the man that took me to the beach to try and make me swim again, and it wasn’t the man that scared Hyuna last night,” she said

“You’re right. That wasn’t me. He was stronger,” I mumbled. I felt like a mess.

“He didn’t look strong to me,” she countered. Silence. “He looked fragile. He looked like he was ready to fall apart any minute,” she paused, “I know you miss your mom.” 

I started laughing, “Well, she’s old. She’ll die.” It was better to think about it like this.

She looked at me for a long time, “If your self-pity ever ends, and you’re breaking apart and looking for help, I live right across the street.” She got up and walked towards the door.

It sounded very condescending to me. “I don’t need help,” I said venomously, “I can take care of myself. I always have.”

“Maybe.” Then, she was gone.

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I was alone in my room for a long time.

Occasionally, they brought me food, and Hyuna came once in a while to paint my nails or trim my eyebrows.

“I hate you. I hope you know that,” I told her.

“I know,” she replied sadly, “but I’m also a small part of everything you hate right now, so it’s fine.”

“If that makes you feel better,” I snarled.

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One night, Soyeon came into my room.

“Visiting hour already?” I asked sleepily.

“I couldn’t sleep,” she said curtly.

“And what am I supposed to do about that?” I asked as I hugged my blanket more.

“Let me sleep here, in your bed with you…not like that . I just don’t want to be alone,” she explained as she sat on my bed and pushed me aside.

I wasn’t sure how to respond to that. “Why?”

She looked at me as if I’d asked her what 2+2 equaled. For the first time in days, I felt a bit stupid.

“Because you’re my friend, Chris,” she explained.

Silence.

“I don’t have friends. I don’t have anyone,” I said quietly.

“You’re a dumbass, and I’m not your enemy,” she said as she made herself comfortable. I felt scared. Why did I feel scared? It didn’t make any sense . She pulled the blanket off of me, “Move. I want to be warm.”

I pulled it back. “Why don’t you sleep in your own bed, then?” I whined.

“I told you. I couldn’t sleep,” she pulled it back.

I sighed, “You’re a girl. Go sleep with Hyuna, maybe you’ll have some fun.” I took my pillow away from her.

She hissed, “How old fashioned are you? Just because I’m a girl, I’m supposed to only sleep in another girl’s bed? I’m a lesbian, you asshole, and I don’t want to sleep with or around Hyuna. She’s annoying.” Since she had no pillow anymore, she used my chest as support.

Instinctively, I put my arm around her. For some reason, that made me more calm.

“I watched you closely when you moved in, you know, to see if you were a good guy or not,” she said softly, “I don’t trust all the victors. Some of them become a little…whatever,” mumbled the last part, then continued, “There was one night where I couldn’t sleep. Nightmares, you know how it is, so I looked out my window, and I saw you. You were sitting in front of Felix, combing his hair with all that love and pain in your eyes, and then the next morning, you gave me a nod. You didn’t have to do that…I’m another victor, and you could easily see me as competition…an enemy, or just someone to completely ignore, but you didn’t do any of that. You gave me a nod, and then you gave me a nod every day since. Then, you started talking to me, and I actually liked you. Do you know how hard it is for me to like someone since…since the games? It’s been really hard. I don’t trust most people, but I liked you because you were kind to me, even when you were at your lowest. I was so proud of you for getting over your fear as well. I saw how much you missed swimming and how long it took you to finally do it. I was...I am really proud, still. You even tried to make me swim again because you saw how much I missed it. You calmed me down and brought me back from a full on panic attack because you take care of people. You took care of Felix, and you took care of me. You think isolating yourself from everyone you know is powerful, but it’s not.”

It was quiet for a long time. I was so confused. Who was I, really? On one hand, there’s the me that killed someone’s brother and is a maniac who dreams about merging into the beast. On the other hand, there’s the me that Soyeon described as kind and caring who nods at strangers and helps them get over their fears and who brushes their boyfriends hair when he’s too traumatized to do it himself. Who am I, then? What would happen when I choose one of those personalities?

The beast from my dreams would go on a rampage, undoubtedly. He would play the crowd of the Capitol like a violin and make everybody love him. It would be self-protection, but it would be cruel. So cruel, but the kinder version of me would be played, instead. Kind and caring, his heart would be open to be crushed again, used as a puppet, and pulled on a string. The Capitol would destroy him.

I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. I’m scared . I felt so alone. I wished I could talk to my mom, Felix, or Hannah. I miss them so much. It wasn’t until I felt her arms around me and saw her face that I realized I wasn’t alone. Soyeon was right here with me.

“I do miss her, my mom,” I said softly, “I miss Felix and Bambam. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel.”

She hugged me tightly, “You don’t have to feel right now. You’re tired and upset. Let’s sleep first.” I didn’t complain. I let her tuck me in and hold me tight. When she held me like a baby, I suddenly wondered when the last time someone had actually given me this kind of physical affection.

For once, I finally didn’t have nightmares. We even slept in. It’s funny because that would never have happened if I didn’t go absolutely mental. Still, I was quietly falling apart. The first thing I did was talk. I talked to Soyeon for several hours. I talked about Felix, and how we waited until we were older to get together. I talked about the games, the alligator, Bambam, Felix’s breakdown, then, the nightmares, the mannequins, the accusations in my dream and how it fueled me with nothing but rage, then, what it felt like when Felix only talked to Hyuna, and the dreams I had while someone – I assumed Soyeon – took care of me.

“No, that wasn’t me. I did shush you and rock you to sleep, but I never stroked your hair, and I sure as hell don’t sing for free. Besides, I was doing damage control with Felix’s family,” she explained.

“But then, who was it?”

Then, it dawned on me. The guilt she must have felt after my breakdown. The same kind of singing she did when she finished a garment and skipped away to look for more pins. Immense amount of guilt washed over me like high tide washed over the beach outside. Hyuna, who had helped to bring Felix out of his sleep. Hyuna, who kept insisting Felix loved me when I didn’t even believe it myself with her pink tutus and bright wigs. The same woman that I scared and threatened. I stood up from my bed we were sitting on, a bit wobbly.

 Soyeon stood up too, “Hold up, you are way too emotional right now to go see her.” 

“No, I have to see her. I have to tell her that I’m sorry,” I said.

We went to the living room. Dawn seemed to be making some tea. I almost didn’t recognize Hyuna, sitting at the table. She had no wig on and minimal makeup. She stared off at a point in the distance. My heart sank. She reminded me of Felix, trying to dissociate as hard as she could. I coughed. They both looked at me, and the room immediately went tense.

Dawn put down the kettle, “Oh look. The beast is out of its cage.” That hurt, but I knew I brought that up on myself.

Hyuna looked frantically at Dawn, and then, at me. She looked scared that the comment might trigger me.

I ignored the comment and went to sit in front of her, asking Dawn for some tea. He put his arm around my shoulder when he brought it, and the feeling of tiredness washed over me. I was too ashamed to tell them how sorry I was. Staying kind was hard. Some part of me was still mad at Hyuna and Dawn as I was still mad at everyone else around me for letting all of it happen, but I still tried.

When they reminded me how to speak in interviews and act in front of reporters, I listened carefully and tried my best to not go insane again. Thanking Hyuna a lot, I let her dress me however she wanted, but I was so tired, always so tired and alone.

Even when Soyeon and Dawn talked to me, I just felt off. Felix had been my friend for many years before we even fell in love. Him not being around hurt more than I’d like to admit. I was still mad, though, always so mad all of the time. So, I didn’t say goodbye to him when I left for the Capitol. It was no use anyway.  He wouldn’t answer me. When I said goodbye to my family, my mom looked back at me with her scared eyes. My siblings kept their distance. Even my dad, who I always had been very close to, treated me like a stranger. It hurt, but whatever. 

Off to the Capitol I went, once more.

Chapter Text

Somehow, everything went either too fast or too slow for my liking.

The train ride to the Capitol: too fast.
The Interviews and reporters swarming me: too slow.
Camera flashes blinding me: too fast.
My nightmares: too slow.
Breakfast and dinner: too fast.
The time I was allowed to shower: too fast.

I barely got rid of the feeling of spiders on me when Dawn called me to discuss the speeches I had to say in front of the families and citizens of the deceased victors. I felt them crawl all over me again and started scratching once more, leaving the way too big bathroom to get to the way too big shared living room. I tried to prepare myself for what the Capitol might want me to say.
Earlier victors had different speech strategies given based on their performances and their likeability. Some were cute, some were hyped and victorious, and others were a bit held back. My speech was very heartfelt with romance and all. Felix was mentioned quite a lot.

I sighed deeply.

“Don’t worry. It’ll be over soon,” Dawn assured me.

“Yeah, sure.” I had no more energy left to argue. I’d just have to get through this tour, and then…well, I don’t know. Go back home, have my nightmares, avoid Felix, avoid my family, and come back in another six months to train the new kids. This was my life now. “I’ll practice. Thanks, Dawn.”

“No problem, and Chris…try to put a bit of emotion in it,” he requested.

“Sure,” I responded numbly.

After some discussion and many samples, Hyuna had decided on brown hair with lighter brown highlights for the tour. “It’s the most romantic hair color,” she sighed dreamily. At least it wasn’t blond with grown out roots like I had in the arena. She also gave me some softer clothes. No more leather or crocodile skin, but instead some fluffy sweaters and dark jeans. She even gave me some fake freckles as a reference to Lix. I knew the Capitol would eat that up, but It made me feel really awful though. She painted my nails black with a sketchy heart design in the middle which made me feel even worse, somehow.

“Well, what do you think?” she asked me when she turned my chair to the mirror.

What do I think about it? I don’t look like myself at all. She had softened my features so much. My eyes looked more round, and my skin was paler than usual. She’d even applied some blush to my cheeks.

“It’s nice. Thank you,” I lied.

“Reread your speech again,” Dawn ordered me, “The pre-interview is in two hours. The speech is in four.”

“Okay, I’ll be in my room. Don’t disturb me,” I ordered back.

As soon as I got into my room, I immediately flopped on my bed. I should have probably been careful since Hyuna had worked hard on the makeup, but all I really wanted was to sleep. For a second, I put the video of waves on my big projector, but it reminded me of home and of Felix. It hurt too much, so I switched it to a forest, but that also reminded me of Felix and the games. Finally, I just turned it off and tried to memorize the script.

“I’m so happy to still be alive right now…ready to settle down with Lix. Building our future…so grateful for the sponsors that helped me in the games…”

What fucking bullshit. If I could make my own speech towards the families of the deceased, I’d tell them how sorry I was that I survived instead of their children and how I was wasting my life by letting it pass by. I was rich now and quite handsome according to Hyuna. I could go to parties, buy lavish things, and sleep around like a normal guy in his 20’s, but instead I closed myself off from everything and everyone. I was better off dead. Wasn’t that the plan all along? My hands shook and my vision became blurry as I reread the speech.

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“Remember, just read the script, and it’ll be over as soon as possible,” Dawn said minutes before I had to go on the tiny stage at District 1.
We would go from 1 to 12, skipping 9, of course, which meant that Dann and Mujin’s district would be second and Yuta’s would be last. Those were definitely the ones I was the least happy about.

“What if I forget my lines?” I anxiously asked Dawn.

“Then you just look back at the script and read from there,” he tried to assure.

“Okay,” I said numbly.

“Try and put some emotion into it,” he advised once more.

“Okay.”

“Try to smile,” he added.

“Okay.”

“You have to make it seem like you’re still in love, happy, healthy, and excited to be here,” he continued. 

“…okay.” I scratched my arm, not sure if the feeling came from the sweater or my imagination. “What if I fuck all of this up?” I asked.

“Well, then I guess you’d be the first one they come after if a revolution starts,” Dawn said nonchalantly.

“This shit has been going on for decades. There won’t be a revolution,” I sniffed.

“Hm,” he responded.

We stayed silent, looking at the curtain.

“Do this for your family, at least,” he said, looking piercingly into my eyes.

Right, my family. If I didn’t do what the president wanted of me, they’d be the first ones to be facing the consequences. All I did at the arena was either for Felix or for them. However, doing whatever the Capitol wanted of me was just…so hard.

My name was called by the announcer. Weird. I expected some applause, maybe. Not that any district had ever done that to a victor before. I put on my best smile as I walked towards the lectern.
There were no big and warm spotlights since it was outside during the day anyways. As I took place behind the lectern, I looked at the crowd, which was a bad idea.

In the capitol, the lights had blinded me, so their faces were blurred, and I could stare at the line above the audience since they tend to sit higher up. In the districts, I could see everyone’s faces clearly. Everyone was either mourning or mad at me. I could feel their grief deeply.

Police stood on either side of the crowd, ready to intervene if anything were to happen. It reminded me that I was being watched. The families of the deceased stood on a raised platform, looking at me sadly and intensely. My smile faltered for a second, but I managed to catch myself quickly enough and read my speech with as much emotion I could muster up, which wasn’t a lot.
Dawn had advised me to think about happy moments between Lix and I, but that was too painful, so I pretended to be an actor who had to play a romantic role. I guess that made me an actor as well, not a good one though. There was no applause after I was done.

“Thank you,” I said awkwardly before I sat on the chair in the back next to Dawn and Hyuna.

“Good job,” Dawn whispered to me.

“So there we have it, one of the two winners of District 9!” the presenter said.

No one clapped. I started to realize how sheepish Hyuna felt when she picked our names in 9. I smiled a bit more as if I was truly happy to be there when I heard someone in the crowd speak up:

“Where’s the other one?”

Still trying to smile, I followed the voice to its owner, a man who seemed to be in his late 70’s.
He looked intensely at me. In a way, he reminded me of Old Man Yong. “Is he too afraid to face the family of the person who he killed?” he asked roughly.

My smile slowly faded. I should have done something, but my mind was too empty to know what. I still avoided the faces of the families.

Dawn quickly went to the lectern and started speaking to the crowd, “Felix isn’t feeling so good, so he’s resting at home, but I’m sure you will all love to see him as a mentor at the next games.”

Thank you, Dawn.

The presenter quickly started speaking again, realizing that he made a mistake. He announced how we would watch the video about how Daehan came to be, as always.
As I looked to the left, I saw how one of the policemen looked at the older man in the crowd with an icy look. The words of the man stayed with me because honestly, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to face Yuta’s family either. Any of their families, actually. Even of victors that I’d never even been in contact with.

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As we traveled to District 2, I read my speech with no emotion at all, because these people knew it wasn’t real. Mujin’s family knew that I let him go despite having the same look on my face in the lake’s reflection. So, I read my little fake speech, and I said my thanks, but when I was ready to turn around to join Dawn on the chairs, their faces came back to me in my mind, and I remembered something painful and crucial.
“I’m sorry,” I quickly said into the mic as the presenter urged me off, “but, euhm – ” I looked at Mujin’s family, standing under a banner of his face. I saw his brother, who looked like him, nearly in tears and shocked that I looked at him directly. “Mujin told me that he’s sorry for breaking your Xbox.” At this, his brother started bawling.
I looked at Dann’s family as well, and with that, I bowed deeply to both of them. The presenter was now really urging me to sit down.

The rest of the tour was fine. Well, not fine, but it was fine.
I looked at the families more. This was something that took a toll on my mental health, but I felt like I had to do it.
Yoongi’s family in District 7 seemed to not want to look at me at all. Matthew’s family in 6 seemed more sad than anything. Bambam’s family in 3 seemed distant, not unlike Felix, once again, mourning another family member. 

By District 11, I was exhausted. It was like I had never even left the games. Sitting on my bed in the train while we rode to 12, I felt completely empty and useless. I couldn’t do anything and didn’t want to do anything. The thought of facing Yuta’s family was unbearable for me. That would mean it was real. I killed him for real and for what? For this? For me to give meaningless speeches provided by the Capitol and come back every six months to be a puppet for the people who destroyed me?

When I gave my speech at 12, I didn’t look at the families until the very end. I wished that I hadn’t decided on looking, because Yuta’s sisters looked at me with such disgust and hatred in their eyes that I wanted to evaporate. That’s when I knew that I couldn’t go on like this anymore. I couldn’t live with it, the guilt and the pain. I couldn’t see their disapproving eyes in my dreams. I couldn’t handle another pair of eyes haunting me. 

When we finally got back on the train, I immediately went to my room and sat on the bed for a long, long time. Maybe I was supposed to be scared, sad, and anxious. I wasn’t though. I was calm. Calm because, well, it would be over soon. I had reached my limit. My family would just have to forgive me, somehow.

At the dinner table, I had asked Hyuna if she could show me how she created the outfits under the guise of learning a new hobby, and when she and Dawn were distracted, I quickly stole a knife from the table and put it in my pocket. For a second, I was worried that the guard would snitch on me, he obviously saw me do it, but he only gave me a sad look. Great, even the Capitol pities me. It would be over soon enough, though.

After dinner, I filled up the bath and sat in it with my knife in my hand. Yup, I was going to do it.

Anytime now.
Any minute now.
I was going to leave.
I was leaving.
Right now.
I’m leaving.

I looked at the knife in my hand. It had some droplets on it because every time I tried to bring it to my wrist, I chickened out and put it away. The bathwater got cold, but I didn’t care. Do it. Do it, you coward. Do it. I brought my shaking hand to my wrist and made a tiny cut, but I immediately pulled it back. “Fuck…” I whispered. It stung more than I thought. Some blood dripped down into the water, making swirls like how Bambam’s blood did in the arena. At that moment, my mind went numb. As I put my chin on my knees, I watched the blood swirl for a while. The bath water had become unbearably cold, but what was I supposed to do? I was too tired to actually get out. I thought of my family back home doing mundane things in their mundane life. It was probably selfish of me to want to die, wasn’t it? It got even colder, which was good. Maybe I would die of hypothermia instead.
Then, they couldn’t say it was a suicide, and my family would be safe, at least, safer and happier than if I stayed alive. Maybe they’d always wonder if I really did fall asleep in the bath.

As the sun slowly filled the bathroom carriage with light, I heard the door open and close again, footsteps, and then a sigh, unmistakably Dawn’s. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if the sigh was one of relief or one of annoyance. I didn’t dare to look at him. I just kept on looking at the water.

“Alright, get up,” he softly said as he grabbed my arm.
I pulled it back and shook my head. I didn’t want to get up. Getting up meant letting the Capitol play games with me again. It meant getting energy again to live my life. “Come on, get up. We’re heading back home,” he informed me, “I’m not lying this time.”

But still, I stayed put.

He sighed and drained the water away.

I saw how the blood flowed away. It made me miss Bambam.

After that, Dawn put a big towel around me. “I know you’re hungry,” he tried to lure me out, “and there’s a lot of food in the main wagon as always, bibimbap, fried eggs, and pancakes…”

“I’m not like Felix,” I argued, “Can’t cure me of my depression with fucking food.”

“Maybe not,” Dawn said, “but it made you talk.”  He stayed with me, telling me to take my time getting out for another hour. Somewhere in that hour, he managed to gently take the knife away from me.

I didn’t appreciate that now my choice of leaving was gone. Eventually the hunger and the need for warmth overcame my foggy brain, and I let him help me out the tub. I walked through the next hours like a zombie. Eating, talking, and even breathing was a chore. I think I blacked out a few times. Luckily, Dawn was always around to help.

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“Oh, yay, we’re finally here!” Hyuna cheered as we arrived at 9 by car, “I love Capitol food, but I’m ready to eat some quality District 9 fish again!”
For a second, I thought about advising her to get some fish from Old Man Yong, but then I realized that I actually didn’t want her to know about him, and even if I did, she would probably complain about the smell inside his shop.

“Well, see you guys in six months,” I said shortly as I grabbed my luggage.

“Don’t worry Chris, we’ll see each other around, probably, since we’re staying here for two more days!” Hyuna shared excitedly.

I put my luggage down harder than I initially wanted to. “Oh, that’s just great,” I said through clenched teeth, “I’m going to bed.”

“It’s – “

“I know what time it is,” I interrupted her as I left. Really, I was so tired. All I wanted was to sleep for a long time, hopefully, without nightmares.

As I headed back in, I took in all of the recognizable things from 9: the beach with its powerful and beautiful waves, the golden sand, my front porch across from Soyeon, who I would greet later on and the smell of fresh baked goods coming from…my…kitchen? I slowly headed towards it, and sure enough, there he stood, focusing hard on decorating a freshly baked pastry as if he still lived with me. Felix looked rather tired and in deep thought as he didn’t seem to notice me standing there for a few seconds. Eventually, he looked up, and we locked eyes for a few seconds.

“Hi,” he awkwardly said.

I didn’t know how to respond.

He quickly grabbed a box and held it up. I saw that he was shaking. “I made some pastries…for you,” he looked rather nervous, “They’re with – um – sorry – “ he shook his head a bit as if trying to organize his thoughts. He looked so incredibly broken down, and all I could think about were the nights of terror that I had to help him with, and the loud and heavy silence that came with him. All that I could think about was that fucking capitol bread. “with caramel and – “

“No,” I interrupted him.

“What? Sorry, I – “

“I said no,” I said shortly. I knew that I was being cruel, but I couldn’t muster up any other emotion for Felix except utter annoyance. “Whatever this is, whatever you’re trying to do, I don’t want any of it, so just leave.” I went up the stairs to sleep, leaving him and his tired eyes alone.

He didn’t follow me.

Chapter Text

Months passed. I spend my time hunting, renovating the house, and avoiding Felix. Whatever kept my mind off my feelings was good. The house still didn’t feel like a home to me, but I still painted the walls and bought some furniture to brighten it up. It still took me some getting used to having such a large amount of money to buy whatever I want, so I just bought small or inexpensive stuff, nothing too fancy. Maybe Felix could have helped me manage such big amounts of money considering that the Lee family was from a better part of the district, but that didn’t matter anymore.

We spoke, sometimes. Well, maybe speaking is a bit of a stretch. He would try to start a conversation with me, and I’d be answering short and disinterested. We barely saw each other anyways. When I wasn’t hunting, I was stuck inside renovating or taking Soyeon out to town to get her some human interaction. Once a week, I took her to old man Yong’s shop. Even though I had enough money to get the fancy, better fish, he was the only other person still treating me somewhat normally and like a friend, even. Soyeon didn’t trust him at first, as she does with everyone, but he was also one of the only people that immediately treated her as an actual human being instead of a killing machine. She liked him because of that. He once loudly told us how it was unfair what happened to us, complaining about the Capitol. We felt kind of awkward about it even though he was right.

“I do hope I will see you two next week. I will have more options, or at least, I hope so. They got even more restrictions on the boats,” Old man Yong told us.

“Even more?” I asked, a bit worried. The rules had already been getting harsher when I still worked.

“Yes, I have no idea why, son. They keep annoying small businesses,” he sighed, “I am getting old and weary and have no desire for their games with the common people. I wish that I could retire soon and live the rest of my life in peace.”

“I’m sorry that they’re giving you such a hard time,” Soyeon said.

“Nothing anyone can do about it,” he sighed.

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“Only a few weeks until your first mentoring job. How are you feeling?” Soyeon asked me as we got back and relaxed at her place.

“I’m not sure. I’m not sure what to expect,” I responded.

“Are you sure you’re up for it, though? You can always do what I did and give the job to Dawn,” she reasoned.

I thought back at the moments before I got lifted into the arena when Dawn looked so nervous and tiny compared to when I first met him. “Nah, I’m up for it. He’s done enough for me.”

“Yeah, but he’s used to it.” She sat up more straight on the couch, giving a more serious vibe, “Chris, it won’t be easy. These kids…they don’t have a big percentage of survival. They’re kids.”

“Well, I survived and you survived. Even Dawn survived,” I argued.

“Yeah, by pure luck, sponsors, and interference of mutts. Even so, we survived as the only ones in a big group. twenty-one other people didn’t. twenty, for you. If you want one piece of advice from me, don’t get too attached to these kids. They’re up for slaughter,” she advised. Snakes, tigers, and spiders. Slaughter is exactly the right word for it.

“Can mentors take the place of a contestant?” I asked.

“What? Oh, I don’t think so. Would you do it?” she asked curiously.

“I’ve already been through one. I can do another. Take one of the kids’ place and protect the other one,” I reasoned.

She raised her eyebrow in thought, “How would you choose which kid to leave behind?”

“I’ll look at who would be the strongest,” I answered.

“Would you kill these other kids?” she asked slowly.

I fell silent. It was one thing to kill adults around my age, but kids?

“I don’t know, probably not. I’ll just keep them safe until it’s just the two of us, then I’ll let them kill me,” I concluded.

“Okay, well, what about the kids next year or the kids after that? Are you going to resurrect from death each year to protect them?” she asked. She was right. I was barely able to protect Felix. I couldn’t protect Dann and Mujin. I can’t do anything right. “You can’t save everyone. That’s not your fault. It’s just the system,” she said quietly.

“I can try. Even if I save one person, it would be good,” I responded.

“Do you really save one person if you sacrifice another for it, though?” she asked. She stared at her TV for a while, “Getting attached to people never ends well. Just make sure you’re strong enough to let them go when the time is there.”

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Just like last time, Hyuna and Dawn arrived two weeks before the new reaping to go over plans, events, and outfits. 

“Love what you’ve done to the place,” Dawn voiced as he looked around my living room, “It actually feels like a place right now, you know, like a home, kind of.”

“I guess. I just bought some cheap furniture and painted the walls,” I answered awkwardly.

“What color is this? Cerulean?” he asked as he touched my wall.

“Oh, uhm…blue,” I said as I looked at it as well. I hadn’t really looked at the names of the colors at the store.

“Nice.”

“I love it too! It has more personality now,” Hyuna said, “Do you have a favorite room yet?” 

The sunroom was my favorite place in the house, with its many plants and herbs that I bought and the fountain that stood in the middle with a beautiful bronze mermaid statue sitting on top of it. The bricks on the floor and the decorative style reminded me of an ancient architectural style. It brought me peace. Sometimes, when I woke up from another nightmare, I went there to sit by the streaming water for a while.

Of course, Hyuna and Dawn didn’t have to know any of this. It was my room and my comfort zone.

“The study,” I mumbled.

“Oh, great! Show me how you’ve decorated it!” she urged me.

After I showed them around the house – minus the sunroom – they immediately spread out some papers on the living room table: drawings of outfits, little pieces of fabrics, and fake synthetic hair in different colors laid before me.

“Since you’re going to be a mentor now, I’m thinking of a bit more mature look. Think big brother vibes or like a very compassionate CEO,” Hyuna explained. Big brother vibes . How would I even pull that off now that my siblings were scared of me, and our conversations were awkward? She continued, “So, I’m thinking blazers or maybe even casual shirts. You know, business wear. We’re still going to keep it young and fresh, though, so maybe some funky hair color like this purple. I also thought that maybe we could incorporate some alligator or crocodile imagery into it. You know, as a nod.”

“Hyuna…I don’t think I want that…” I tried to say.

“Well, it would remind people of how fearless you are,” Dawn said, “and if people remember how fearless you are, they might think about how you’re preparing these kids. They’re being taught by the beast killer himself, so they must have some advantage.”

I cringed, “Is that my new name now? Beast killer ?”

“It’s how people will remember you,” Dawn shrugged, “Better get used to it now.”

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I looked over at the ocean while Soyeon, Hyuna, and I waited for the car to arrive. Hyuna blabbered on and on about how happy I would be to eat Capitol food again and enjoy the amazing high end technology in the train. I only listened halfheartedly. To be honest, I was not looking forward to seeing the training center again. It would remind me of Dann and Mujin. It would remind me of my laughter with Felix and about my conversations with Yuta. No, I was not looking forward to it. Before anything, we would have to watch the reaping to see which kids would be a bawling mess. Maybe one of them would survive…maybe.

When I looked at the street to see if the car was arriving yet, I saw how Dawn and Felix walked over to us, and I sighed. Great, just what I needed. Hyuna talked excitedly to them as I ignored them completely. Felix’s hair had been cut short and dyed back to blond. He had gained a bit of weight during the year, so he was still skinny but at least a bit healthier than he was when he did nothing but sit by the window.

“Isn’t it nice being driven everywhere now? No more taking public transit. So fancy,” Hyuna asked us. 

Images of us taking public transit to get to our cave flashed before my eyes involuntarily. I felt a sharp pain in my heart. Was there anything in my life that had stayed the same?

“It’s very nice,” Felix responded a bit tiredly.

“Yes, really cool,” Soyeon said bored.

Everyone was quiet the rest of the ride, which seemed way longer than I hoped it would be.

At last, we arrived at the reaping square. It was weird seeing it so empty so early in the morning. Hyuna guided us backstage where we would work on our outfit and makeup. As always, the mood was tense.

“What do you think?” Hyuna asked, as always.

My dark green hair stood out against my black blazer and fancy black pants. I couldn’t see the back, but I was sure that the carefully crafted green and orange rhinestone crocodile would be eye-catching enough. “I look fancy,” I said.

“Exactly, like you’ve all grown up. It’s perfect for starting out as a mentor,” she explained.

“I think so, too,” Felix said from where he waited on his chair. He wasn’t in his outfit or makeup yet. “You look really handsome,” he complimented me.

“If you say so,” I said coldly.

“Well, I do say so, and I’m sure the public will think that as well,” he continued.

“Yes, they can eye me up and down while I take their children away to die,” I responded. We didn’t talk anymore after that.

“You don’t have to feel sorry about what you said,” Soyeon whispered to me hours later when we were walking to our seats, “You were right.”

“Thank you, but I shouldn’t have said it out loud. I made everyone - “

“Uncomfortable?” she interrupted me as we sat down. “Maybe more people should be. Grab his hand,” she ordered.

“What?” I asked.

“Do you want the press to ask what happened? Act like you’re still in love,” she commanded.

The first people were gathering up to get directed to their zones. They’d definitely see us sitting here. I bit my cheek and grabbed Felix’s hand next to me. He seemed a bit surprised at first, then hopeful and excited.

“Are you nervous?” he asked with a smile.

“I’m not,” I said coldly.

His smile turned into a confused look. “Oh,” he realized, “You’re just doing this for the audience.”

Feeling guilty, I kept my mouth shut, and my eyes on the people who were coming in.

“So, I was right. You really don’t - “

“Let’s not talk,” I interrupted him, “Let’s focus on the kids. You want to help them, don’t you?”

“Of course I do,” he said, a bit offended.

“Then help me with them,” I looked at him intensely, “You can’t leave them alone.”

He blinked once as if he wasn’t sure what he just heard. “I was sick,” he whispered.

“And now you’re not, so don’t make me do all the work,” I countered.

“I’ll help, promise, but I do wish – ”

“Great, that’s settled then,” I quickly whispered.

“…alright…”

The reaping went like it always went. Hyuna was a bit different this time, less excited. She was a bit more quiet when she pulled the names out. Two kids, a boy and a girl, were drawn from the bowl. The way that the twelve year old boy walked forward nervously reminded me of Lucas. Selfishly, I was relieved that it wasn’t him.

As they got in the building to say goodbye to their families, I couldn’t stop thinking about the year before when my family still loved me, and Mrs. Lee made me make a promise to her. These next weeks would be incredibly hard for all of us. I tried my best to calmly respond to the reporters swarming around us, putting my arm around Felix to keep up the façade. Then, it was time for us to guide the kids towards the train, still trying to either answer to or avoid reporters.

“Don’t worry,” I said to them as we moved on, “We’ll help you get through this.” When we finally got on the train, I made sure to offer them enough food and drinks.

“Oh, you two are so adorable! I’m sure I can make lots of cute outfits for you,” Hyuna said.

It took all of my patience to not scold her. As Hyuna and Dawn discussed aesthetics and strategies, I spoke to the kids separately. Felix joined me, though a bit upset at seeing how young they actually were up close.

“What’s your name again?” I asked the girl. 

“Gi,” she answered.

“Gi?” I smiled, “That’s a good name. What about you? What’s your name?”

“Hajoon,” the boy sobbed.

“Were you born in the summer?” I asked. He nodded. “How old are you?”

Gi was 14 and Hajoon was 12. Hearing this, Felix started crying soundlessly. Annoyed, I sent him away to his room. Something that he seemed to be offended by, but he didn’t argue. If anything, he seemed even more sad. He was really planning on breaking his promise to me right off the bat. It didn’t matter. I would help these kids with or without his help. I explained to them how the process was going to go: the interviews, the judges, and the training.

“Don’t worry, we will make sure to train you as well as we can,” I comforted them.

“Can you teach us how to kill mutts?” Gi asked almost immediately. There was a fire in her eyes not too different from Yoongi’s anger. It gave me hope, but it scared me as well. She shouldn’t end up like him, or me. 

“Yes, I can,” I said cautiously, “but it’s best to know when to avoid them as well.”

She nodded fiercely, “Then, let’s train starting tomorrow.” 

I was a bit taken aback by her determination, but agreed anyway. They went to their rooms to rest a bit and cry out what needed to be cried out. When they left the main cabin, Soyeon walked over to me. She did join us this year, which was a relief.

“Don’t get attached to these kids,” she warned me again.

“I’m not, but I’m helping. I’m supposed to help,” I explained.

“I’m just warning you. Don’t get attached,” she warned again.

“I won’t. I promise.”

She nodded and left. After I bit my cheek and tried to calm down my anger, I left for the rooms as well. A guard brought me to Felix’s room, where he sat restlessly on his bed. “I’m sorry,” he apologized as soon as he saw me come in.

“Shut up,” I grabbed his arm harshly, “Don’t do that again. Whatever you feel around these kids or around me, I want you to bottle it up around us. Nothing about this situation is about you. You promised me that you would help me and that I wouldn’t have to do this alone, so don’t leave me alone. Don’t leave them alone.”

“I won’t. I won’t do it again. I’ll help,” he quickly promised me again.

“Good, training starts tomorrow,” I said as I left.

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Felix didn’t do it again. Though I saw him tear up a few times, he never outright cried anymore, and he taught the kids some of his Taekwondo moves as we continued traveling to the Capitol. I was relieved. Even though I was never really alone – Dawn and Soyeon helped as well – it would have been mentally draining to know that Felix wouldn’t help me with this.

“Ooh, now you can meet the other victor’s as well,” Hyuna said during dinner as we slowly approached the Capitol.

“The what now?” Felix asked, a bit surprised.

“The other victors,” Hyuna repeated.

“Did you guys think we just stayed in our rooms the entire time while you guys trained or what?” Dawn joked.

No, of course not. Maybe ? “So…who’s going to be there?” I pried.

“You’ll see when we all have dinner on the first day,” Dawn said nonchalantly.

“Oh, so that’s where you went,” Felix said sheepishly.

“Yep, there’s always a dinner planned with all the adult victors. The kids don’t mentor, so it’s just us,” he informed us.

“Oh,” I said a bit nervously, “great, is it optional?”

“It is, but you’re going,” he stated.

“What? Why?” Felix asked.

Dawn shrugged, “Because I want you guys to become friends with them.”

“What?” I asked in shock.

“Not all of them, but some of them,” Dawn continued.

“Why?” Felix asked. I think he disliked the idea as much as I did.

“I have my reasons,” Dawn responded coolly.

“Good luck, that dinner is always chaotic and crazy,” Soyeon said, “That’s why I will not be attending.”

“Why can she opt out, but we can’t?” Felix asked.

“Because Soyeon is already friends with some of them. You aren’t. Look, like it or not, you will have to see these people every year, so better get used to them now,” Dawn said as he started to get a bit annoyed.

“I want to meet the victors too,” Gi suddenly spoke up. Both kids had been pretty quiet up until now.

“You will not,” I said sternly.

“They’re all victors, right? They can all teach us about how we can win. Meeting them can broaden my chance of survival,” she explained.

I was flabbergasted by this request. I barely wanted to talk to Dawn when I got sent to the Capitol, never mind the rest.

“Damn,” Soyeon said, “You know what you want. That’s good.” She looked at Gi with some sort of newfound respect, “Maybe we can arrange that with a few of them, at least. Who would you like to speak to the most?” 

Gi looked thoughtfully at her plate at Soyeon’s question, pushing some food around. “Boa,” she eventually said. 

“No, absolutely not,” I objected. The fire in her eyes had already made me scared for her sanity, this could definitely worsen it.

“Fine, Demon, then,” Gi requested.

Hajoon gasped at this, “Why? He’s so scary!”

“He’s not scary,” Dawn stated.

Soyeon laughed, “Wow, never in my life did I think a participant would ask for Seonghwa. He’s going to be so awkward about this.”

“You’re not meeting him. I refuse it,” I raised my voice.

To this, Gi threw her fork on the plate so strongly that it broke. “It’s your fault if I die!” she yelled, and with that, she ran off.

Everyone was quiet. “Maybe…” Felix started out quietly, “Maybe it could help them if they can learn from other vi – “

“Oh, shut the fuck up, Felix!” I got up and went to my room.

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Sitting in the bathtub, I rested my head against my knees. We hadn’t even reached the Capitol yet, and it was already hard, but I couldn’t break down. I wouldn’t. The fate of these kids depended on me. Whatever was happening between me and my family, Felix, or my emotions had to be hidden away deep inside of myself. Some place where I couldn’t reach it. I was sure that Boa and the Demon would end up in my dreams tonight, turning Gi into a psychopath just like them…and just like me. Was I also not a cold blooded killer?

Someone knocked on my bathroom door. “I’m in the tub. Don’t come in,” I tried to yell out. Unfortunately for me, Dawn didn’t really care. “I said don’t come in,” I scolded him.

“I’m not attracted to you in the slightest,” he claimed.

“It’s still awkward!” I explained.

“Don’t be awkward. I came to ask how you’re feeling,” he said.

“Why? Because I’m in a bathtub again?” I asked, getting angry.

“No, because of what happened at dinner,” he responded.

“I’m fine.”

“I worry about you,” he said.

“I said I’m fine,” I repeated.

“Hm,” he leaned against the doorframe in thought, “it’s not your fault if she dies.”

A shiver ran over my spine, “I know that.”

“I don’t think you do. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault,” he repeated.

“Are you just going to repeat that the entire time?” I asked.

“Until you’ve internalised it,” he responded.

“Well, she’s not dead, and neither is Hajoon. One of them might survive,” I said.

“Who do you think will win?” he asked.

“Don’t make me choose,” I whined.

“I think Gi has the better chance if you let her learn,” Dawn said, answering his own question.

“I am letting her learn. Just not…with them,” I explained.

“You seem to think awfully badly of my friends,” he said casually. I didn’t respond to that. “Neither Seonghwa nor Boa would take up the offer anyways. Everyone wants their own kid to win, not someone else’s,” he explained.

“Makes sense.”

“Indeed,” he turned around, “My door is always open if you need to talk.”

Chapter Text

As we dropped off the kids at the beautification center, Kai quickly greeted us, “I can’t believe that both of you survived.”

“Me neither,” I responded.

“These kids are pretty young. I don’t think we have to do much, just some haircuts and maybe some acrylic nails on the girl,” Kai informed us.

“Gi,” Felix said.

“Sorry, what?” Kai asked, confused.

“Gi, that’s her name,” Felix clarified.

“Oh, right, sorry,” Kai quickly said.

“The boy’s name is Hajoon,” Felix added.

I offered to stay with them to see how they’ll eventually look. Kai said that was fine. There was nothing else I was supposed to do anyways. We’d already discussed their outfits with Hyuna and the strategies with Dawn, and it’s not like we would meet up with the other victors until tonight. The other victors…I was nervous. Some of them might be a bit much, and they could be dangerous, sly, and cunning, but for now, all I had to worry about were the kids. I didn’t actually have to worry for Gi that much. She knew what she wanted.

Holding out her hand and looking at the nails as if they were trash, Gi spoke her mind, “Blue nails are overdone in this district. Every year, it’s the same thing: blue for water. Blue for the ocean. If you really want me to stand out, give me green! It nods back to my mentor anyways,” she’d argued with Hyuna about them for some time now. I leaned back in my chair, feeling quite proud that she stood up for herself like this “Seriously, four years in a row every female contestant has had blue nails. We have to be creative here, don’t we?” she asked rudely.

“Looks like someone did their research,” Hyuna said, a bit offended.

“At least one of us has to!” Gi took a jab.

“Fine, give her green nails instead of blue,” she snarled to Nayeon.

“Actually, there’s a new trend where we can dye fingers as well. What if I dyed yours in sparkly green?” Nayeon asked Gi calmly and kindly.

Gi grinned and beamed, “I think that would be awesome!”

Hyuna put her hands in the air, defeated, “Sure, dye her green! Make her a goblin! Who cares anymore?” With that, she walked out.

I leaned towards Gi, “Good job,” I said proudly. She smiled back.

They kept her bangs and dyed her hair dark blue. When I went to check up on Hajoon, they apparently did the same thing to his fingers, but in dark blue. I didn’t like that, because it reminded me too much of the black fingertips that Yoongi had. It made me feel extremely uncomfortable. I quickly excused myself and sat in the hallway for a while, unable to move.

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Snacks laid all around me as I sat in my room, watching some of the interviews of the previous victors on the big screen. If I had to talk to these people, I wanted to prepare myself for the worst. We normally didn’t have access to the outside world, only the previously recorded nature videos, but the Capitol did put almost everything from the games in the system, so I could watch whatever I wanted. As Minnie’s – the last victor from District 5 – interview ended, I scrolled through the rest. For a second, I thought about watching Boa or the Demon’s interviews again, thinking about how Gi said they might be able to help her, but once I looked at Boa’s stone hard face, I decided not to. I put on Dawn’s interview instead, out of curiosity. It felt illegal, but I had to know. It was crazy how young he looked when he got into frame.

“So, Dawn, what a lovely name,” the interviewer complimented.

“Oh, thank you,” the child said awkwardly. He didn’t have colored hair yet, and seemed so normal and tiny. I wouldn’t have recognized him if I didn’t know.

“Did your mother give you that name or your father?” the interviewer asked, leaning a bit too much towards him for my taste.

Dawn leaned away slightly, “Oh, actually, I used to be called Hyojong, but I got the nickname Dawn early on, so I just kind of kept it, and by the time I was twelve, everybody called me that, so we changed it legally.” he smiled professionally and I wondered just how much they had trained him for this.

“What a lovely anecdote!” the interviewer said. Everybody clapped, which seemed to make him a bit on edge. “So, now that you’ve won the games and have gotten the prize money, what are you going to do now? Get back to school?”

“I actually don’t know. I always wanted to be a zookeeper or a baker, but people keep telling me how handsome I am for my age and how I should maybe get into modeling, so I’m considering that…maybe?” He seemed very unsure of himself, looking towards something off the side.

The interviewer looked as well, “Are those your parents?” she asked greedily.

“Oh…yeah…” Dawn answered, “My mommy and daddy.”

The camera showed his parents, both very pretty, excited and a bit shy. They bowed a little bit as the interviewer introduced them to the audience again. I’m not sure if I saw it right, but I thought that I saw a tiny bit of fear in Dawn’s eyes when the camera showed him again for a second or two. The interviewer asked them a few basic questions before going back to the topic of Dawn.

“So, the people are saying that Dawn might be going into the fashion industry? What do you think of that? Isn’t it a hard industry to work in?” she asked them.

Dawn’s mom looked a bit taken aback, “Oh…yeah, I guess it is a pretty hard industry. However, I think our son is a very beautiful and capable boy, so he's going to do very well. He’s pretty charismatic and knows how to control people a lot…to be honest, I’ll be very happy once he leaves the house. He’s become quite a handful lately.”

The interviewer seemed to be a bit at a loss for words, “Oh, I see…so he’s…” she hummed a little bit, “He’s quite the independent man!” she spun the mom’s words so casually that I barely remembered why her statement had made me so uncomfortable. The mom agreed and nodded.

“I guess that I’m very mature for my age,” Dawn awkwardly said, “I don’t really need a lot, really.”

“Well, with how handsome you are, I’m sure you’ll get everything you ever need,” the interviewer laughed, “Everybody will treat you very well at the Capitol, boys and girls alike. I bet that you have a lot of girls running behind you right now. I know that if I were your age, I would be one of them!” she laughed. He didn’t. She licked her lips and put a strand of hair behind her ear, and that’s when I turned it off, feeling too uncomfortable by Dawn’s little face to watch any further.

Were they going to do the same to Gi and Hajoon? Just like Dawn, they were so tiny. How would they survive the weird and hard questions that interviewers and reporters would throw at them or the skimpy outfits some of the previous victors had to wear when they were barely of age? What about their mental health? Would it be ruined, like Felix’s or mine? Would they also see the broken body of the last participant, not being able to do anything to help them? Would they meet the families of the deceased, and the ones they killed? Would they see spiders on the wall and snakes in the water?
I looked at my hands for a while, unable to clear my head of a million possibilities, each one worse than the one before. I could have really used Felix’s love, but that time had passed. I was alone.

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“Remember to try and make friends,” Dawn said as we moved towards the elevator, “They can be a bit…much at first, but they’re kind…most of them...most of the time. Don’t listen to Jay. He’s an idiot.”

“Will Boa be there?” Felix asked, a bit nervous.

“Oh, yeah, she’s always there. She doesn’t say much, but she keeps things in check when it gets out of hand,” Dawn responded. 

“When what gets out of hand?” I asked cautiously

“Oh, you know, fights, arguments, and whatever, but really, they’re pretty chill people, mostly,” Dawn responded.

“You keep saying most,” Felix said, “That…doesn’t comfort me.”

“Relax,” Dawn said.

“Okay.”

“Just find someone you vibe with,” he advised. The elevator doors closed.

“I wish Soyeon was here,” I mumbled as I tried to catch a last glimpse from the hallway.

“Yeah, she hates these dinners. It’s too loud for her, I think,” Dawn said. 

As we arrived at the penthouse, the first thing I noticed was that everything was indeed loud. Besides music blasting from the speakers, everyone was talking very wildly. Well, everyone except for Boa and Minnie.

“Oh my God, Dawn! My man!” Several people cheered for Dawn as the man who said it stood up ungracefully from his chair, wine bottle in hand and walked wobbly over to us.

“Jackson, dude!” Dawn yelled too.

Oh, so that’s where I recognized him from: Jackson, the infamous party host from district 7. He gave Dawn a big kiss on the cheek.

“Oh! Dude, breath! Breath!” Dawn whined.

“What do you mean? My breath smells like dandelions and spring.” Jackson blew air in Dawn’s face, and even I could reek the liquor, “Oh, these are your kids, right? Welcome! Welcome!”

“I’m not a ki – okay.”

Jackson firmly hugged me and then Felix. “Please, sit!” he guided us towards some seats at the table.

It took me some time, but I pretty much figured out who everyone was. There was Jackson, Dawn, Minnie from district 5, Boa, Zico who had been Mujin and Dann’s mentor, Hwasa and Moonbyul from district 11, Hyunjin, Han, and Changbin from district 12, Jeongin from district 4, Chaelin from district 6, and Jay from District 1. With me and Felix, that would make 15 people. There were many more victors, of course, but they didn’t seem to want to join us.

“Ooh, look how adorable they are together!” Chaelin said. She looked a bit tipsy as well. “The two lovebirds of the season! Cheers!” she lifted up her shot and drank it all.

Before I could stop myself from speaking, a very firm “We’re not together anymore,” left me. Honestly, my head was spinning, and I wanted to leave. The last thing I needed right now was for these people to remind me of my failed relationship all night long. That’s also why I avoided Felix’s heartbreakingly sad look next to me.

“Oh, really?” Chaelin whined, “Aw, that’s so sad.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty sad,” Jackson said as he poured Dawn a shot, “Let’s drink to it, ey!” He drank his and then grabbed another shot glass, “Let me pour you guys one, to mourn or something. I don’t know.”

“I don’t drink,” I said.

“What? Who doesn’t drink? Weirdo. What about you?” he asked towards Felix.

“Oh, I’d rather not. Not tonight, but thank you.” Felix responded elegantly.

“Oh, how polite.” Hwasa said as she went to sit on both Moonbyul and Zico’s lap, “You don’t have to be so polite, baby!” She got off their laps to stand before Felix and cup his cheek. “Just because we’re almost all your noonas and hyungs!” she said in a baby voice.

He pulled away from her, annoyed. She went to sit on Dawn and Jackson’s laps instead.

“Really cool that we have fresh meat in the gang now. Hopefully these ones stay!” Jay laughed. His dreaded hair bounced when he did.

“As long as you don’t scare them away, Jay,” Zico joked.

“Hey, I don’t scare no one away, dawg,” Jay whined.

Zico started saying something, but then burst out into laughter. He seemed to have already drunk a bit of alcohol as well.

“Don’t listen to these losers. We’re really nice, but probably nicer when we’re not wasted,” Moonbyul said. She seemed the most sober along with Boa and Minnie.

Somehow, I highly doubted that any of them could be nice. The staff brought us our food, a big buffet of different kinds of cuisine. I didn’t recognize most of the foods. It looked like rich people’s stuff.

“What’s this soup made of?” I tried asking Dawn. He was too busy looking at Hwasa’s cleavage to hear what I asked.

“Hey! Eyes up here!” she said firmly as she lifted his chin up to her eye level. He smiled.

“Look, he liked that!” Zico laughed.

“Pervert,” Hwasa scolded as she moved away from him and Jackson back to Wheein.

“Men will be men,” Jay said.

Chaelin waved her hand in disapproval. I still didn’t know what was in the damn soup.

“It’s shark fin soup,” Felix whispered next to me. Of course Felix, who had always lived in the best parts of the city, knew about it.

“Oh.” I pushed it away. Hunting sharks was illegal, at least in 9. Humans had hunted them for so long that they were almost extinct.

“And that’s foie gras,” he pointed at another dish, “It’s pretty horrible how they make it. These geese basically get tortured until they die.”

“Well…I guess I’ll just eat the pasta then...thanks,” I mumbled. Felix nodded.

“Hey, Chris,” Zico called me, “there’s some croc meat if you want some.”

My stomach turned. I knew he was being genuinely kind, but I was hanging on by a thread. I started liking these people less and less by the minute. “No, I’ll just have the pasta, thanks.”

“Suit yourself. It tastes like chicken,” he laughed at something Jay said.

Suddenly, Hwasa stood up and waved at someone by the elevators, “Hey, Seonghwa, come join us!”

The hairs of my neck stood up as Felix and I whipped our heads back to see. He was tall, just like on tv, but he looked pretty normal otherwise. He took a notebook from the table next to the elevators, tapped on it, gave a small smile, and then, he left.

“Eh, again? He should hang out more,” Hwasa whined.

“Who cares, Hwasa? It’s Hwa. You know how he is. He’ll interact when he wants to interact. Don’t push him,” Dawn said.

“Or else what? The demon in him will come out?” Jay joked. He started making ghost sounds.

Zico punched his shoulder, “Don’t do that. I don’t want to think about that! What if he does go crazy one day? Then what?”

“Then he’ll come for you first, ooh!” Jay responded, still acting like a ghost.

“Ah! No, don’t! It creeps me out!” Zico squealed.

“That’s mean,” I heard Felix whisper to himself. I shrugged, but in the back of my mind, I wondered what they had said about me as well, the beast killer.

“That boy will kill himself soon enough,” Hwasa said.

“You say that every year,” Moonbyul responded.

“Can you blame me? He never leaves his room and he never interacts with anyone. I’m sure he’ll kill himself. Actually, I’m willing to bet on it. Who wants to put in the money?” she asked.

“That’s a horrible thing to do,” Felix spoke up.

“I agree,” Hyunjin said from across the table with a slurred voice, “Why bet on human life when there is already so much blood spilled?”

“Oh God, not again. We really need to stop giving this guy alcohol. You’re ruining the mood!” Jackson whined.

“Fine! I’ll shhhhut up!” he slurred out.

“Thank God,” Chaelin said as she grabbed more foie gras, “Let’s get the desserts!”

As everyone else was laughing, playing games, talking loudly, or scrolling on their phones – mentors were allowed to do that – I tried my best to taste the most amount of desserts I could. Felix had just been staring at his ice cream for a while now, pushing the now-liquid stuff around. He really was in his own world again, somewhere far, far away from me and everyone else.

“Why don’t you say that to my face?” I suddenly heard Hyunjin say from the other side of the table.

“Fine! You’re a worthless piece of shit, and you should learn to fight better!” Han said.

“I’ll show you what fighting really is - “ Hyunjin jumped on him and screams erupted as Changbin and Jeongin tried to keep them from beating each other to a pulp.

“Get him!” Jay laughed.

“Well,” Jackson took his bottle and started walking to the elevator. He patted my shoulder on the way. It annoyed me. “Wonderful dinner as always, everyone. See y’all at the parade.”

“To Jackson!” Dawn cheered as he raised his shot glass. Some of them cheered along, raising their glasses as well.

“Dawn,” I asked quietly as I leaned towards him, “Shouldn’t we keep a bit of a clear mind, for the parade tomorrow?” I knew it was already too late. His face was red, and he seemed to be drunk already.

“Ugh, whatever dude!” he pressed his finger against my chest, “Now that I’m – I mean now that you’re here, I can finally do whatever I want! You’ll deal with it! Besides, parades are always so booooring. They’re boring. They’re booooringggg. These kids can deal with it on their own with Hyuna. God, she’s so annoying, but – she’s so hot.”

Great, drunk Dawn didn’t care about the kids or us, I guess. He got distracted by something Han joked about. Angry, I turned to Felix to rant about him, but he was still pushing the liquid around in his bowl with that blank look in his eyes. I felt my heart sink.

“You’ll deal with it.”

Right, I’ll deal with it, I guess. No use counting on these two to help. No use counting on anyone, lately. 

Hwasa’s topic of whether or not the Demon would kill himself somehow got brought up again. She took a big empty bowl of one of the soups and held it out, so people could put money in it. Moonbyul wrote down who gave how much. The whole thing was surreal.

“You guys are deranged,” I said.

“Oh, don’t act like mother superior now,” Zico scolded, “You don’t even bother to use his name. I suggest you stay out of it.”

“I also think it’s a bit…” Minnie started, but she quickly apologized when she saw how the others looked at her. 

“I don’t bother to learn his name because I don’t like him, but at least I’m not pretending to be his friend and doing this behind his back,” I countered

“He’s the Demon. He can handle it,” Jay said.

“Hey, don’t call him that, that’s not cool,” Dawn said in a suddenly serious tone. He had already put in some money in Seonghwa’s favor. Okay, a lot of money.

Jay snorted to this. “Okay then,” he said in a mocking tone.

“What was that?” Dawn hissed.

“What was what?” Jay growled back.

“Oh, snap,” Chaelin said with a smile, “second fight of the evening.”

Dawn ignored her, “Are you mocking me, Jay?”

“I thought that was obvious. You’re obviously old enough to gather context clues from the shit I say,” Jay responded.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” Dawn warned.

“Or what? Will you out walk me on a little runway? Will you get your bodyguards from the city to beat me up?” he sipped from his glass, “Capitol boy.”

“That’s enough!” Boa suddenly rose from her chair “She doesn’t say much but she keeps things in check when it gets out of hand.” “We never, ever, accuse one of us of being a part of the Capitol. Never!” she yelled.

Jay stood up as well, “What? Why do you think I’d let you boss me around?”

“Oh, I think you’d let me boss around whenever I want,” she countered.

They looked at each other intensely. I followed Jay’s quick glance down to see the knife that Boa was holding down on the table. A reminder of the games, and of how she’s been through hell and back and would do it again.

He scoffed slightly and smiled, “We’re all just having fun here, right?” He sat down again, “We’re just joking around.” he stretched out his arms as if he just made a good joke. The quiet tension in the room and both Dawn and Boa’s fixed gaze on him said otherwise.He bit his cheek in anger. “Actually I’d like to change my vote,” he said as Boa sat back down again, “I think one of the two lovebirds over there will commit suicide this year.”

The hairs in my neck stood up and a shiver ran down my spine. Why? Why me? Why me again? I have nothing to do with any of this. If anything, I didn’t even want to come to this damn dinner party.

“Don’t you bet against my district, Jay.” Dawn warned him.

“Look at them, Dawn,” Jay responded, nodding towards us, "they're already dead.”

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“Oh, come on! It was a joke!” Jay’s words echoed as I pressed the button to my floor. I flinched a bit when Felix also joined me in the elevator. I don’t know why I didn’t think he would follow me. Maybe because he had still been dissociating. Something about Jay’s words, and me leaving must have woken him up. I avoided his look as the doors closed.

“Well, that went well. Didn’t it?” he awkwardly tried to joke.

“Aren’t you supposed to stare out a window somewhere?” I snapped. I knew it wasn’t fair, and I regretted it as soon as I said it, but God, the last thing I needed was Felix  trying to reconnect with me.

He looked startled and sad, so I avoided his eyes once more until the silent and tense elevator finally stopped at our floor. I got out and walked to my room as fast as I could. Angry, exhausted, and a little bit sad, I took a shower to clean the spiders off of me. I wondered if it was always going to be like this, feeling them whenever I experienced intense emotions again. Sometimes I saw them, on the walls, in my food, and on myself. Maybe I should have talked to someone about it, but I didn’t know who. Not Felix, not Dawn, definitely not Hyuna, and not Yong. I didn’t want to worry him even more about me. Maybe Soyeon, but what could she do about it? What could she do about me? Nothing.

“They’re already dead.”

I guess that’s true. When was the last time I was happy? Truly happy? Feeling dizzy, I sat down in the shower instead of standing. The whole evening had been a mess. All of these victors were a mess. I guess I fit right in.

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Dawn groaned as Felix massaged his shoulders. Sitting before us on the tribune, waiting for the parade to start, he – along with most of the other victors who attended the dinner – had big dark sunglasses on and looked miserable.

“I told you that you should’ve calmed down,” I said as I leaned forward.

“I know, I know,” he turned towards me, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I patted him on the shoulder.

“It’s not. I thought you’d get to know everyone more, but it shouldn’t have gone like that. I feel sick,” he said.

“Don’t throw up,” Felix said in a kind voice. How was he always so kind? He was even kind to me in the morning, even though I’d lashed out at him after the dinner. Even though he didn’t drink anything, he looked tired as well. “You just have to get through the parade, and then, you can rest up in your room.”

Dawn thanked him. Behind us, Jackson made his way through the other chairs towards Hwasa, Zico, and Moonbyul, still holding a bottle in his hands. “Look alive, people!” he patted my shoulder again. I didn’t understand why he kept on doing that, and honestly, the constant air of liquor around him started to annoy me a lot. I’d rather he left me alone.

“Ooh, the parade is about to start!” Hyuna cheered as she came to sit next to Dawn.

“Hyuna, please…calm down…” Dawn groaned.

Chapter Text

The parade started soon enough. None of the other victors really seemed impressed by any of the outfits; probably because most of them had already seen it year after year, or because some of them were extremely hungover.

“Oh, man, tree bark again. Woohoo,” someone not too far away – I didn’t know who – sarcastically commented.
I looked at the crowd, inspecting who was there. A lot of victors, bored and uninterested, some police as always. Bareilly any others… “Hyuna, how come you’re the only stylist here?” I whispered to her.

“Oh, I’m not,” she informed me, “Look over there. 4’s stylist, San, is sitting next to Seonghwa,”

I tried to casually look where Hyuna was non-discreetly pointing to. Next to Jeongin, who was looking at the parade intensely, was Seonghwa, who was writing things down in his notebook. Next to Seonghwa, was a very buff and handsome guy with bleached hair. I assumed that was San. He was watching the parade and once in a while, whispered something to Seonghwa, who considered writing what he told him down.

“And next to Zico is Hyolyn,” Hyuna continued.

“Hyolyn,” I repeated as I looked at her, “I’ve seen her before. They were watching Mujin and Dann train.”

“Oh, yeah, she does that,” Hyuna shrugged, “Some victors dislike their stylists, some are friends and some stylists aren’t interested in watching the games at all. They just want their check to go out clubbing. Hyolyn supports Z the best she can.”

“So, the De – Seonghwa and Jeongin are friends with San, and Zico is friends with Hyolyn?” I asked curiously.

“I don’t know much about Jeongin. I do know that San and Seonghwa are good friends. Zico and Hyolyn too. They’re almost inseparable,” she said.

“Really?” I raised my eyebrows, suddenly curious about the lives of these untouchable people. “Are they an item?”

“Heaven’s no, he’s head over heels in love with Hwasa,” she giggled. I looked over at Hwasa, who was typing something on her phone. Hyuna grinned, “It’s a bit of a mess, really. Moonbyul and Jackson are also in love with her,”

“Jackson? Really?” I asked, surprised.

“Oh, yes, absolutely. She’s kind of…she entertains all of them, you know, but she never says that she loves anyone, ever. I don’t know if she can…but they’re all still good friends,” she frowned a bit, “Honestly, I think at this point that they should stop trying to force heteronormativity and just become a foursome,”

“That’s weird,” I laughed, “That’s a weird idea,”

“Not at all, it’s love,” she shrugged.

“Do you really think that you can love more than one person?” I asked curiously.

“Not me, personally, but I know people who do. Love comes in different ways” she patiently explained.

I looked back at the parade. They all had their usual signatures: tree bark, waves, weapons, and whatever. It was boring. I understood why barely anyone was watching. “Hyuna, how do you know all of this stuff?” I pried.

“Oh, I might only have been a stylist for you, but I knew most of them from cosmetology school. The stylists, that is. You can’t really get a job this big without some inside connections. We all talk a lot, you know. I’m even in contact with Kai. You’d be surprised what people tell him. Whatever the new rumor of the Capitol is, it comes straight to me!” she said, looking rather proud of this.

Just like last year; some confetti flew over the victors, “Well, this event is absolutely boring me to death, so please, tell me whatever,” I requested.

She smiled devilishly, “Let’s see. Oh, I have one. Apparently, Seonghwa has a mystery lover. Nobody knows who they are, and he’s never mentioned them in public, but Kai said that some risky texts had leaked. They’re smart though. Never really using pronouns and always using nicknames. Looks like he really doesn’t want anyone to know which is annoying, because I do want to know.”

“Well, whoever that is, I hope they run far away from him,” I sniffed.

“Do you really think he’s that bad?” she asked, surprised.

“Have you not watched his games?” I asked.

“I have, but…” she got quiet, “Well, Dawn seems to like him. Isn’t that right, Dawn? Oh lord, he’s fallen asleep.” 

“Well, Dawn likes Jay as well, so I don’t trust his judgment,” I snarled.

“Dawn doesn’t like Jay. No one really likes Jay except for Zico, but Zico gets along with everyone. Well, not everyone. He got into a lot of fights when he was younger. He’s a bit of a hothead. He’s gotten a lot better with age,” she explained.

I thought back to the cafeteria. “He was very strict towards Dann and Mujin,” I mentioned.

“That’s because he still cares. He’s still trying his best, you know? Some people here…well, I won’t slander anyone. You can’t blame them for not trying anymore when you see kid after kid die every year, but Zico tries. Sometimes he doesn’t use the right methods or the right words, but he tries, really.”

“If no one likes Jay, why is he still around everyone, then?” I asked.

She shrugged, “Where else would he be?”

“I guess…” I looked over at the victors from 4 again. Seonghwa was typing something on his phone with a little smile. “What was in those texts, I wonder?” I asked, smirking.

“Oh, some sexting and some role-play. I don’t know. I didn’t like reading them. When it comes to Seonghwa, I try to stay out of his business. He’s very…private.” she explained.

“Fair.”

“Do you know who’s business I did read, though? The texts between Jackson and Hwasa,” she grinned.

“Oh, really?” I asked curiously.

“Yes, let me tell you that man can captivate you with his words, phew. Too bad he’s usually too drunk to have a decent conversation. Jessica told me that he used to be extremely easy to talk with before the games, and now…well, he’s still easy to talk with, and he tries his best to make you feel comfortable, but he’s just so…” 

“Drunk?” I asked.

“Yeah, but anyways, wow, if I were Hwasa, I’d know who to pick. He must be good in bed,” she added.

“Jesus, Hyuna!”

“Okay, maybe I got off the subject for a second. What else do you want to know?” she asked.

Thinking back on the dinner, I had one more question, “What’s going on between Han and Hyunjin? They were at each other’s throats last night. Seems like they don’t like each other all that much.”

“Oh, that, I don’t know,” she said, a bit bored.

“There’s something you don’t know about? Really?” I joked.

“Yeah, I really don’t know. According to Rain, they’ve hated each other from day one. No idea why,” she explained.

“Weird.”

She shrugged, “I guess you can’t get along with everyone.”

“I guess.”

“Oh my God, I have another juicy rumor!” she said excitedly.

“Do tell,” I responded slyly.

“Apparently, the last time the victors were on a trip and in a hotel, Jackson’s room got completely trashed,” she said. 

“What, like, a party?” I asked unimpressed.

“No, like…everything was broken. Nothing was whole anymore. At first, we thought he got robbed or hate-crimed or something, but he told us that he did it. However, Hwasa noticed that he wasn’t in his original room,” she explained. 

“Wait, so, he switched with someone?” I asked, confused.

“Maybe. Maybe the person trashed the room and then gave it to Jackson, or maybe Jackson switched the room before and then, trashed it, but it was weird. He was so weird about it. He kept telling us that he did it for real, but we don’t know. He doesn’t seem like the type of person to do it. Sure, he’s a drunk, but he’s never been violent. He barely raises his voice when he’s mad,” she said.

“Did you ever find out who’s original room it was?” I asked curiously.

“No, never, nobody would ever come out and say it was them, anyways. Jackson, Dawn, and some other guy cleaned it all up,” she said.

“Hmm…weird.”

“Very.” The conversation was over.

While I was thinking about the rumors that Hyuna told me about these people that I didn’t even like, I absentmindedly looked at the parade. A pair of familiar eyes locked in with mine. Gi looked at me. Well, she pierced my eyes. It was almost like she looked into my soul. Suddenly, I realized how we looked. Half of the victors hungover, Dawn asleep, Soyeon on her phone, Felix looking at the floor, and me and Hyuna not even paying attention. In that moment I saw how she closed off from us…from me. Her face when she looked away said it all: she was alone. 

Shame washed over me. More people I let down. I promised that I would help them the best I could, and I couldn’t even stay focused at the very first event they had. She must’ve felt so angry.
Hajoon looked very awkward and scared until Gi bent over to him and whispered something. Then, they held hands, and she raised them up. The crowd went wild.
Good. At least they still have each other.

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I definitely underestimated the work that Dawn put in during the hours we were training or asleep. Meeting up with sponsors and training the kids was already taking a lot from me. Apparently, now we had to go to a party where they would interview us before the games, which I didn’t want to do, but whatever.

“If they like us, they’ll be more inclined to like the kids as well,” Soyeon explained “and we need these kids to be liked.”

“But I’m not even likable myself, so how am I going to pull that off?” I questioned.

“Me neither, but that’s where the acting comes in. Smile, wave, and make some jokes. Maybe even flirt a bit with the reporters. Wink here and there and be cute” She gave me a cute wink, “Like this.”

I sighed deeply.

She sighed as well, “I know. The show must go on, right?”

“I guess,” I mumbled.

Three hours later, we were ready to take the car towards the inner city.

“You’ll sit with Hwasa, Moonbyul, Jackson, and Zico. Felix, you’ll sit with me, Soyeon, Jay, and Han,” Dawn said.

“Oh,” Felix said, a bit disappointed.

“Hold on,” I said, “Why can’t we all go together? Why do I have to be separated?”

“Well, first up, Felix has been trying his best to make friends while you’ve spent every free moment holed up in your room. Second of all, you and Felix’s weird tension is ruining my mood. You’re a lot, and I need a break, so you’re going with them. End of discussion,” he said.

I was a bit shocked at this. Yes, I was moody, and I had been cutting Felix off every chance I got, but a lot? Am I a lot? Dawn who hung around all of these crazy victors thought that I was a lot? “So I’m a lot, but your friends are not?” I asked angrily.

Dawn sighed deeply at this. He rubbed his eyes and seemed to be trying to get his thoughts in order. He mumbled something against himself. I started to feel bad. “Did you know that Seonghwa’s a doctor?” he eventually said.

“What?” I asked, confused about what that had to do with anything.

“Seonghwa’s a doctor. He was learning before the games and picked it back up a few years after.” He lowered his hand and looked at me, “Hwasa volunteers in a daycare. She’s very good with the kids. She can show you pictures of them if you ask her. Moonbyul fights for the rights of workers in 11, and frequently organizes strikes. Jay takes care of his sick grandmother back home. Zico is trying to make his own company where he can make sure the workers have fewer hours and better pay. In secret, of course. Did you know that? Any of it? Did you think about them in their free time?”

I didn’t answer. No, I didn’t know that. I never asked, I never wondered.

“Maybe once you’re done judging everyone you see on sight, you can actually try to see us as human beings instead. Get to the car,” he ordered, annoyed.

Humbled, I did what he told me to do. Outside of it, the rest were already waiting in front of the car. They all looked pretty fancy. I was glad that Hyuna had been there to dress me up.

“Woah, hey! It’s freckles!” Jay said as he put an arm around Lix, “Ready to go to the party?”

“Y — yeah! Sure!” Felix said, a bit unsure.

“That’s my boy!” Jay joked.

With that, they disappeared into the car. I wasn’t sure if I was sad that I wouldn’t ride with him or not. His boy, huh? I didn't want to admit it, but I started getting a bit jealous. I shook my head a bit too hard.

Jackson got in the car as well, shoving me a bit so I had to sit in the middle aisle. “What about you, are you ready to go?” he asked enthusiastically. He looked more sober than usual, but he still had some alcohol on his breath.

“Sure, yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” I tried saying it in a softer tone than what I usually spoke with. I wasn’t sure if it worked. The others reacted positively anyway, as they got in. The car was big.

“I can’t wait until the night ends, and I can take off these ridiculously big earrings,” Moonbyul complained as she rubbed her earlobe. Her big, snake-like earrings dangled wildly with every move she made.

“Oh, come on Byul. Be a lady for one evening,” Hwasa teased her.

“God, I’m so happy that Jay isn’t in this car,” Moonbyul muttered. It was weird seeing her in a dress. She usually wore pants and somewhat boyish clothing.

“Oh, come on, he’s not a bad guy,” Jackson defended him. He took a flask from his inner pocket and took a sip, then offered it to me.

“No, thanks,” I said as I smelled the heavy liquor.

He shrugged, “Suit yourself.” He looked more youthful than the rest of us, wearing red leather and heavy eyeliner instead of a suit or something fancier. It suited him, though. He looked handsome.

“No, he’s not. He’s just very…he’s a lot,” Zico said, “but not bad.”

“Sure,” Moonbyul said as she straightened her dress. She exchanged a look with Hwasa that I couldn’t really understand. “So, Chris, are you ready for your first Capitol party?” she asked me.

“I just don’t really know what to expect.” I answered honestly.

“Don’t expect much,” Jackson said, “My parties are way better. More booze and better music.”

“It’s true and no dress code,” Zico added, “but don’t worry about it. You’ll dance a bit, you’ll mingle, you’ll be charming to the reporters, and then, it’s basically over. If things get too bad, you can always come back to us.”

“Sure.” Getting back to the others wasn’t really on my list, but then again, maybe I should listen to Dawn more and act a bit nicer even if I didn’t like anybody.

Zico ignored the weird tone of my voice, “If I can give you one piece of advice, kid, it’s to be as normal as possible.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, if you act normal and boring, they’ll lose interest in you. Then, you don’t have to deal with swarms of reporters anymore. Just ask Seonghwa. He’s able to stay back while we have to do all of this shit,” he complained.

“Seonghwa isn’t coming along?” I asked, a bit surprised.

“Nope, neither is Boa,” he responded.

“God, Boa,” Hwasa sighed, “She’s so smart. I wish I was as smart as her. She was basically so stoic and boring that the media left her alone, but she still has her killer reputation, so her kids never suffer. What a dream.”

“Is it really a dream when everyone sees you as a psychopath, though? No offense,” Jackson addressed the last part to me.

“Oh, no offense taken?” I said awkwardly, not sure what he was hinting at. I scraped my throat. “So, Boa and Seonghwa are too boring to be interviewed?”

“Oh, Seonghwa isn’t boring. They’re just incredibly horrible people, these reporters,” Moonbyul said, “You know, at the start, everybody wanted to interview him all  the time. He was this new, psycho kid that would snap at the slightest. He once physically fought a reporter for touching him.

“Inappropriately?” I voiced, a bit shocked. No way that the Capitol would allow that…right? I thought back to Dawn’s interview, but those were words, not actions, and Seonghwa must’ve been fifteen or maybe sixteen.

“No, just touching. I think it was on his shoulder,” she frowned in thought.

“Hwa doesn’t like to be touched,” Zico explained. “That’s another tip I'll give you, never touch him unprovoked. He doesn't like that.”

“Though his texts said otherwise,” Jackson joked.

“Oh, don’t you talk about texts, perv,” Moonbyul joked. I pretended I didn’t know what they were talking about. “Anyway, they were all over him, but then he started getting better, actually cohesive, and kind. They sort of threw him away then, like a rag,” she explained.

“Except for Jessi,” Hwasa said, “Ah, Jessi…She was a reporter. She always kept on interviewing him even though they never aired the footage. They kind of became…well, friends isn’t the word. Acquaintances, maybe? I think she looked at him like some sort of lost puppy. Eventually, she got sick of how he and us got treated, and she tried to fight for better treatment and working conditions. We never saw her again. They told us she quit her job. Hwa didn’t come back to events after that.”

“Quit her job, my ass. That girl got fired or worse,” Jackson spit out.

“I heard she bought a little strawberry farm and is silently selling them in a small shop,” Moonbyul said, “just outside of the Capitol center.”

“Uh-huh,” Jackson took another swig of his liquor.

“Let’s talk about something more light,” Zico said with a tone in his voice as he quickly moved his eyes to the right. In between him and Hwasa was the little open partition to the driver.
I saw in his mirror how the driver looked at us with an icy look. We got quiet.

“Excuse me, sir,” Hwasa said sweetly to him, “Would you mind closing the partition?”

The driver didn’t respond, but the screen went up anyway. Zico looked at me for a few seconds. “Just act normal,” he said at last, “That’s my advice to you.”

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The party was indeed boring. Well, “party” was probably not even the right word for this event. I mostly just stuffed my face with food in-between talking to the reporters, trying to smile and wink and be normal, just like Zico had recommended. The music sucked, but everything in the Capitol did. As the reporters were finally leaving me somewhat alone, a man with glazed eyes interrupted me while I was snacking on more chips. He looked a bit bewildered. A bit…lost.

“Do you know the knife game?” he asked.

“N — no?” I stuttered out, not wanting to stay there with him.

To my response, he grabbed a knife from the table, put his hand on it with his fingers spread, and he quickly moved the knife in-between them as fast as he could, not touching his hand once. I watched in horror. It looked like he had failed several times before, judging by his scars.

“Do you want to try?” he asked.

I was confused, because he didn’t look straight at me, but more behind me, but then I felt a hand on my arm.

“No, thank you.” Felix declined. He must have walked over to us while I was distracted.

“You?” the man asked me straight on. His eyes reminded me of Felix on the windowsill, but somewhat alive. Somewhat.

“N - no,” I declined as well. The man nodded and walked away, stumbling and swaying as if he was going to faint.

“That’s Jiyong,” Hwasa said to us next to me. Moonbyul and her had walked over to us as well. I flinched. I should pay more attention to my surroundings.

“from 3. Don’t mind him. He’s…he’s a bit gone. Everyone in his game died, including him. They managed to resurrect him, but he got brain damage from the lack of oxygen,” Hwasa continued.

“Or so they say,” Moonbyul spit.

“Byul - “

“I still think he’s faking it. Why else would he be here? To remind everyone that they can’t use him. He’s smart. Smarter than us.” She seemed a bit mad at his tactic.

“Do you really think that? That it’s all fake?” I asked.

“I don’t know.” She walked away. “I hope so,” I heard her mumble behind me.

Felix got closer to me, massaging my shoulder a little bit, “You okay?” he asked me quietly.

“Sure, yeah, why not? Just another crazy victor, right?” I said, a bit in shock.

“Wow,” Hwasa said, a bit offended. She left after that.

“If it’s too much, we can just hide out in the bathroom or something,” Felix whispered.

“No, I’m fine.”

“Would you tell me if you weren’t?” he asked sincerely.

“Well, you didn’t care before. I doubt you’d care now.” I said coldly.

He let go of me, “Well, I’m here. If you want to talk or…anything…I’m around,” he suggested, a bit sad.

“Sure,” I scoffed.

“I am.” He then left.

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I turned back around towards the door of the bathroom. I really did need to pee, but the voices in the stall made me stop and turn. I didn’t want to know what they were doing, and I didn’t want to know who it was. Hwasa and Jackson, maybe, or Hwasa and Moonbyul, or Hwasa and Zico, or some other weird victor couple, since only the victors were allowed in here. 
I almost reached the door when I heard one of them cry out.

“I just can’t do this anymore!” someone cried. “I can’t take these reporters and their flashes, and I just - I just can’t!”

“Calm down, Jack, you’ve done this hundreds of times,” came another voice.

I stopped walking. So Jackson and Zico. Was Jackson having a mental breakdown?

“Yeah, you’ve done this hundreds of times. You can do this hundreds of times more,” Jay, apparently in the same stall, said.

“Nice, dude,” Zico said sarcastically.

“What? I’m helping!” Jay responded defensively.

“Oh, shut the fuck u – “ Jackson snarled before I heard him throw up disgustingly. I heard one of them groan a bit. I couldn’t help but make a face.

“My shoes…” Jay whined.

“How about we lay off from the booze tonight, huh?” Zico coaxed.

“Shut the fuck up! You don’t know what I went through,” Jackson yelled.

“Of course we know what you went – argh.” I assumed that Zico had kicked Jay.

“Of course, of course,” Zico comforted Jackson, “I know it’s hard. Let’s just get through this event, right? Just a few more hours.”

“A few more hours, a few more reporters, a few more drinks, and then it starts all over again, every year for the rest of my life. I can’t do it anymore,” he sobbed.

“God, where is Boa with her speeches when you need her?” Jay sighed.

I walked out.

“Chris!” Dawn called me over later in the evening and put his arm around me. He was a bit tipsy again. “Hwasa told me you saw Jiyong.”

“I did,” I said shortly. Why do I need to deal with tipsy Dawn now?

“What did you think of him?” he asked.

“Well, he’s crazy.” I responded directly.

Dawn snorted a bit, “You really are a…special dude.”

 I rolled my eyes, “Alright,”

“Listen,” he pointed his finger to my chest again, “do you know about the crab bucket?”

“The what?” I asked.

“The crab bucket, do you know what it means?” he repeated.

Hwasa’s voice rose up from behind. “No way!” she laughed. She called out to Jackson. He stopped talking to a reporter to look at her. His makeup was cleaned up nicely now with no sign of an earlier breakdown. “He’s talking about his crabs again!” Hwasa yelled out. Jackson laughed at her joke.
Idiots.

“Look, crabs usually help each other. Finding…shells and shit. I don’t know,” Dawn slurred.

“Right, I know that,” I responded annoyed.

“However, when you put them in a bucket, they would usually fight each other to survive, right?” he asked.

“Yes…I know that, too.”

“But it's not the crabs fault, you know? It’s the fault of the people who - who put them in there. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?” he asked, slurring.

I looked around the room towards the victors that were talking to each other or the reporters. Each and every one of them would be able to kill me immediately.
Crabs. “Sure,” I responded.

“Great.”

“That once we’re back in an arena, we’ll all kill each other,” I continued.
Dawn looked disappointed at me.

“Wow,” Hwasa said, “For a smart guy, you’re kind of stupid.”

“Is that…is that not what you meant?” I asked him quietly, wishing that he wasn’t too disappointed. Dawn just kind of patted my back and left.

Chapter Text

The morning before the games had arrived. One more day of training for the kids before having to fight tooth and nail in the arena, and yet I couldn’t help but think about Dann and Mujin: how I went in on Dann’s suggestion for a night, how Mujin told us about his sibling, and how Dawn had one time gotten so nervous that he had broken his plate during lunch. I understood him because I, too, was on edge now.

Hyuna reminded the kids to eat a decent amount of breakfast while Dawn reminded us that we shouldn’t, since we were going to have lunch with the other victors later on. He was still pushing us to become best friends with them, which was aggravating. Still, only a few more weeks, and we’d be out of here with either one District 9 winner or two dead children. Vaguely, I felt Felix’s hand on my arm, and I saw that he had slipped a piece of a cheese sandwich on the plate that I’d been staring at for minutes now, unable to eat.

I liked cheese. He knew I did, but, as much as I liked cheese, it was still on a piece of bread. Capitol bread. The thing that woke him up instead of me. Never me. It must be so selfish of me to think about that while these kids were going to die. It was selfish to think about the loss of Mujin, Dann, Bambam and even Yuta while Gi and Hanjoon were thinking about their own odds of survival. Even if one of them did come back, they’d end up hating or leaving me just like everyone else because I was a handful and a beast killer. Great, I had redirected my thoughts towards myself again instead of them. My narcissistic tendencies will never end, will they?

I got up and left towards my room, not even looking at the kids that probably wanted a piece of old wisdom out of me. Don’t become like me… I crawled under the covers. I couldn’t cry. I wouldn’t. This wasn’t the time for it. So, just like when Dann died and just like when Dawn dragged me out of that bathtub, I pushed my feelings deep down somewhere where I couldn’t quite reach them anymore. One day they’d explode out of me, and I wasn’t sure what would happen then.
When I forced myself to sleep, it only partly worked, which meant that I had a headache when Dawn came to get me for lunch.

“It’s one PM already?” I sighed.

“It is. Come on. Get up,” He gently urged from the doorway.

“I really don’t want to,” I whined.

“Do you just want to stay in bed all day long in the dark, being miserable?” he asked.

“Yes.”

He frowned, then walked towards me and put my blanket more over me, “Okay.”

“Okay?” I asked him cautiously.

“Yeah, it’s okay. If you think that this is what you need to do to get through today, then you can just do that, but I found that not isolating yourself completely helps, so if you still want to join us, we’re eating where we had dinner before,” he gently told me.

“You’d still want me to join?” I asked.

“Of course, you’re my friend,” He casually said. After everything…he still thought of me that way?

“…I’ll…think about it,” I told him. He just nodded and left.

I tried going back to sleep, but it didn’t work. After a while, I realized just how hungry I was. It was three PM. Either I could nag Hyuna to eat with me – she probably wouldn’t join me anyways with lots of work ahead of her – or go to that damn lunch. Still doubting it, I freshened up and went to the living room.

To my surprise, Felix sat by the table, deep in thought. Great, I couldn’t avoid him. Did I want to avoid him? I want to avoid him, right? He seemed completely out of it, so just walking over to the door and leaving wouldn’t be so hard, but something stopped me.

I stopped myself. Great. Amazing. I took a deep breath in and out and sat in front of him. “I thought you went to lunch?” I questioned him.

It took him some seconds to realize I was speaking to him, “Wh – what? Sorry?”

“I thought you went to lunch with the others,” I repeated, a bit more softly.

“Oh, no, I, uh, I wanted to go, but I’m…not feeling so hot, sorry.”

“You too, huh?” I asked solemnly.

He didn’t answer and  just stared down at his hands.

“Have you eaten yet?” I asked.

“What?”

“Lunch. Did you have lunch yet?” I asked again.

“I planned to eat at two,” he answered.

I looked at the clock on the wall, “Well, it’s three-thirty now.”

Felix looked perplexed. He rummaged in his pockets until he found his phone, looked at the time, put it roughly on the table, and went through his hair with his shaking hands. I couldn’t help but feel a bit bad for him, seeing him so confused and in panic.

He sighed, “I’m sorry, I really thought it was…” He put his face in his hands, “I must’ve lost track of time…it was just nine.”

I rubbed his arm, “You’ll feel better after you’ve eaten.” I really wished that that was true for both of us.

“Don’t be mad at me,” he said softly after I had gotten us both food, “I really am trying my best.”

A year ago, I would have done everything in my power to protect him from whatever would cause him such pain and heartbreak and whoever would bring him to be such a shaky and panicky mess tearing up at the table. I’d never expect the cause of his anxiety to be me, but it was. I realized that I had been too hard on him and too wrapped up in my own pain that I made us both miserable. Now, he was literally begging me to not push him away because of it. After my heart was done breaking in a million tiny pieces, I moved to sit beside him and put my arms around him. He seemed surprised that I would do that, but reciprocated the hug anyway. We held each other tightly.

“Please, just don’t be mad at me anymore. I can’t handle it,” he mumbled into my shoulder.

I pushed him away softly, so that I was face to face with him. “I’m not mad,” I said as I tucked his hair back, “I’m not.” I put my forehead against his.

“You don’t love me anymore,” he whispered before he pulled back, “It’s not fair to lead me on.”

My head spun at this. During the last year, I had been furious at him. I hated him, but love? Did I fall out of love with him? I didn’t know. Between the games, the nightmares, and mentoring, my head was too blurry and my feelings too repressed. “I can’t…I can’t think about that right now. Please wait a bit more. I don’t know,” I begged.
He nodded to my response and hugged me again.

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“Show it to us again,” Gi demanded.

I sighed as I showed the self-defense move Dawn had taught me before my own games once again. Despite the kids coming back from training, they still wanted to learn new moves that might help them. We’d been at it for about forty minutes. Gi was pretty good at it. Hanjoon was less so, but he was small and fast, so he could hide better. We only had to hope that he didn’t have to defend himself against the older kids.

“Okay,” Gi said and then promptly turned to Felix. “Practice Taekwondo with me,” she demanded.

“As you wish,” he said jokingly. Gi knew what she wanted. She knew what she needed. It gave me hope.

“Hyung?” Hanjoon asked me shyly when we both took a break.

I squatted down to his level. “What is it?” I asked. He looked a bit nervous. “You can ask me anything you want, you know,” I continued.

He shook his hand out of anxiety, “It’s just that…you think Gi will win, right? Not me,”

“Now, what makes you think that?” I asked softly.

“She’s stronger than me and older, too. She has a bigger chance than me,” he stated, “That’s why she’ll win…and I’ll die…”

“Now…I don’t want you to think like that. If you think like this, that means you’ve already given up. Joon, you may be younger, but you’re fast, and you learned how to survive in the wild. As long as you stay close to Gi, your chances double up. I believe that you have a chance to win, but you need to believe in yourself as well,” I told him.

“I just don’t think that I can do what you did…” he trailed off. What did he mean by that? The Croc, the tiger, Mujin, Yuta or Yoongi? All of it? He looked so young; even younger than Dawn in his interview.

No way he would survive any of it.
What an awful thing to think.

“You don’t have to do what I did,” I decided eventually, “You just have to see…you have to do what you want to do. What you need to do at that moment. There’s no shame in running and hiding or no shame in fighting, okay?” 

“Okay…thank you, hyung,” he said softly but unconvinced. I hugged him tightly. Someone cleared their throat behind us.

“I need to talk to you,” Dawn said seriously, leaning on the doorframe.

I nodded and left the insecure and scared child to follow Dawn to his room.

“I know what you’re going to say,” I said as I closed the door, “That I shouldn’t get too attached and that I should keep my distance.”

“Well, it’s a bit late for that now, isn’t it?” he sat on the bed and motioned for me to sit next to him.

I did what he asked. “How was lunch?” I asked.

“Pretty calm,” he responded.

“I find that hard to believe,” I chuckled.

“I know they’re a wild bunch, but they’re good people,” he responded.

“I know, you’ve told me.”

“Look,” His tone shifted to something more serious, “Tomorrow is going to be hard for all of you, and so are the next weeks. Don’t worry about the sponsors. I’ll deal with them,” I thanked him for that. “I want you to know that if you break down, I’m here for you,” he told me.

“I won’t break down,” I said defiantly.

“You say that – “

“I’m not like you,” I blurt out. It wasn’t the time to let out my frustrations about him, but I did it anyway. “I can’t distance myself from these kids. I still care. I still want them to win, and I can’t give up; not like this,”

He frowned in disbelief, “You think that I don’t care about them? You think that I gave up?”

“That’s…that’s not what I mean,” I stammered, even though it was exactly what I meant even if it embarrassed me to admit it.

“No, Chris, that’s exactly what you mean,” he said, offended. He took a breath before continuing, “Just…get a good night’s rest today. I’ll be here. Now get out of my room.”

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-
“Pretty lightweight material. I don’t think the arena will be cold or wet,” I mumbled.
Gi didn’t answer me. She always looked fiery, but now she looked uncertain and a little bit defeated.

“Forty seconds until launch.”

“You’re going to do just fine,” I tried to assure her.
She hugged me in response. I embraced her until the ten seconds announcement, when she got in the tube and left for the arena. Her scared face disappeared slowly.

I quickly moved to the room that was prepared for us District 9 residents to see the first thirty minutes, which would be crucial for the participants. Dawn, Hyuna, Felix, and Soyeon were already sitting there. Felix was teary, having just sent off Hajoong. Soyeon looked moody, and Dawn and Hyuna seemed anxious. I quickly sat beside Felix on the small couch and fixed my eyes on the small tv as the announcer counted down:

“Ten seconds. Nine seconds. Eight seconds.”

I felt my own heart beating, or maybe, that was the sound of the creature from my own games. Quickly, I shook my head. No time for delusions.

“Five seconds.”

My leg bounced. Dawn leaned forward.

“Three seconds.”

Hyuna exclaimed that she was too scared to watch.

“One second.”

Felix grabbed my hand. There the participants ran into the tall grass. Since we sat in a room just meant for District 9, the cameras were fixed on Gi and Hanjoon. Hanjoon was so fast. Gi followed him closely, pushing away the green and golden straws that obscured their vision from the other participant, who cut them off, grabbed Gi by her throat, and stabbed her in the head. Hanjoon was too fast for him to grab, but something, something tiny yet incredibly fast, jumped out of the tall grass and took him with it. The camera’s stayed fixed on their lifeless bodies for a few seconds before shutting off.

As I stared at the black screen, baffled, it took me a few seconds to realize that this was the end.

“Oh no…” Hyuna sighed, “better luck next year.” Her words woke me up.

As my ears rang, I stood up and walked out of the room as fast as I could, or maybe I ran.
Everything was quite blurry. Someone grabbed me in the hallway. I had no idea who, or what they were, but I had to get out of there. I couldn’t handle it. I can’t handle it anymore.

“Don’t you touch him!” someone else warned.

My ears were ringing too much. My adrenaline was too high, and I focused too much on getting away that I didn’t know who tried to defend me like that. I felt how the person let me go, and I ran. Ran to where? I didn’t know. I didn’t know this building or these big hallways with big doors. Everything was too big. It made me feel so small and so weak. It must be true, because I had let everybody down once again.

Through my blurred vision, I somehow managed to find some sort of vent. I kicked down the entrance and frantically crawled in. For a second, I thought of the small mutts and the swarms of spiders, but I didn’t care too much. I threw myself on the metallic surface and, thinking of the false hope I was given, sobbed and wailed loudly. All of the feelings of the past year streamed out of me like the water around the bronze mermaid back home: anger, sadness, false hope, annoyance, depression, suicidal thoughts, and everything else. I tried to wipe my tears away, but they just kept coming, and my hands shook too much, so I kept them close to my chest. Steady. At first, I wished I was at home, but what could comfort me there? The silence Felix gave me? My family that barely wanted to see me? Soyeon who stayed in her house most of the time? Dawn and Hyuna who were never around? No, nothing was waiting for me back home. Maybe I should just stay in this vent until I shrivel up and die.

“You think Gi will win, right? Not me.”

I put my head in my hands. I wished that I could say sorry to Hanjoon, to Gi, to Bambam, to Yuta, to Yoongi, to Dann, and to Mujin…but I couldn’t, and I would never be able to. The final moments of the kids played in my head again and again, and their deaths got mixed with Yoongi’s bloody and broken body. How bad of a person I was? I couldn’t even think about these kids without putting my own trauma on the forefront again. You’ve made a scene. Maybe it was better to stay isolated in the vent forever.

Barely able to breathe because of my clogged up nose, I sat up. That didn’t stop the tears, though. They just kept on coming. I’m a horrible person. I’m such a horrible person. I heard the awkward sounds of someone or something crawling in the vent towards me. Of course they were looking for me, either to kill me for running off in a top secret building underneath an arena or to take me back home to keep me alive, so that I could send more kids to their deaths. I hoped they’d kill me fast. Looking at the floor through my tears, I expected shouting, maybe gunshots, or a hissing sound.

Instead, they silently and gently took my hands in theirs, “It’s me.”

Looking up, I saw a face that I knew too well that I’d known for too long. I tried to speak and maybe say something like how did you know I was here or please leave me alone, but everything became slurred and loud sobs.

Felix rubbed my arms and then held me tight. I didn’t fight him. After everything, I was sort of relieved that I could sob into someone’s shoulder and  feel his warmth on my cold body.

“I know,” he whispered, “that the world outside is too big right now.” He rubbed my back. Of course he knew. Of course he knew me.

So I put my arms around him tightly, and I cried until my head hurt, partly from the crying and partly from the echoes I created.

We must have sat there for hours. He let me lie down on his lap when I had no strength to keep myself upright. At one point, I heard someone open the entrance again, but through my tears I couldn’t recognize who it was. They looked at us for a second, then put it back up. Even here, we weren’t alone.

“Who was that?” my voice sounded hoarse. After all that sobbing and crying, I was exhausted.

“Oh…it’s…I don’t know…” Felix mumbled slowly.

As I looked up, I saw that he had his distant stare again, though it seemed like he was trying his best to snap out of it. It must be hard, having seen the same things as me, having the same feelings about these kids, and still trying to stay strong for me. No matter how I twisted and turned it, I had made sure he wasn’t allowed to be himself around me anymore. Maybe, it was time for me to start being responsible for my actions.

“Here,” I said as I sat up, “rest a bit.” I put my arms around him and pulled him against my chest.
He curled up to me and slept for a while. It was so quiet now that I’d stop crying. I didn’t like it. Images of my own games, previous contestants’ games, and the kids games’ kept on flashing before my eyes. The spiders had come back, but I didn’t want to wake Felix up with my issues. Instead, I tried my best to not scratch myself and ignore its tiny little pinchers biting me. I knew they weren’t real, but the idea of their tiny little legs making sounds against the metal made me so anxious that I put my face in Lix’s neck and put my hands over my ears.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, still half asleep.

I just shook my head and lowered my hands. He shouldn’t worry about me.

“How are you feeling?” I asked instead, “Better?”

“Tired,” he whispered, “but I’m always tired,”

“Yeah…me too. I can barely sleep,” I admitted.

“Do you want to go back to Dawn and Hyuna?” he asked as his hand went through my hair.

“I don’t know,” I responded.

“Do you want to get out of here?” he asked.

“Yes.” I answered. The tiny safe space had become an anxiety cage for me.

“Okay, one step at a time then,” he said as he got up.

I tried to crawl, but I felt tingling and bites every time I put my hands down. I put them back up and scratched feverously.

Felix grabbed them, “Look at me. I’m right here. Just follow me.”

It helped, though it was still hard. The walls seemed to be closing in on me, and it reminded me too much of a snake choking its prey for dinner.

Finally, we made it out. We should’ve probably gone to Dawn and Hyuna immediately, but my heart was beating too fast, and I couldn’t handle opening my eyes anymore, so I stayed curled up against the wall with my head on my arms, and my eyes shut off from the outside world. I was glad that I heard Felix close the vent behind us before I imagined the spiders crawling out.

“Okay, let’s take a break,” he validated me as he put his arms around me again. Once again, I sat there, unable to move.

“How long were you guys in there?” a voice asked.

Great. Just great. Someone had found us. I never even heard them walk up to us.

“We just needed a break,” Felix quietly defended us against the stranger. 

I felt how the person sat before me, “Dawn is looking for you two. Running away in a secret facility is…not the best idea,” they said.

“We just need a little more time,” Felix argued.

“I won’t snitch, but I do think it’s best to go back as soon as possible,” they warned.

Fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine! Annoyed with the world, I got up and used the wall to balance myself, but my head was spinning, and I immediately fell back down.

“Jeez, I didn’t mean immediately!” they blurted out, more concerned. I finally looked at the person. A very worried Jay looked back at me. “Just go when you’re ready to go,” he continued.
Ready to go. What did that even mean? When was I ever ready to get back to this life?
“Hey, Chris, do you still have that spider problem?” Jay asked as I put my head back against the wall.

I opened my eyes and looked at him defensively, “What?”

“Your spider problem. I saw it in your games,” he explained.

I didn’t answer immediately, “Why do you want to know?”

“Because if you ever have that problem again, you just have to do this,” he put his hands out and smacked them together very strongly, “and pretend you killed them. It might help.”

Did Jay really think this stuff would help? I looked at him for a while, not sure if he was mocking me or not. He seemed to genuinely believe it, which was stupid. “Let’s just go,” I scoffed to Felix as I got up.

Jay seemed to know that he said something wrong, but he seemed confused about what. We left him behind as we made our way back to Dawn and Hyuna.

“He was just trying to help,” Felix defended him.

“I don’t want his help. I don’t want anything from him. I don’t want anything from anyone,” I snarled.

“They can help, though,” Felix tried to say.

“They’re all morons,” I said angrily.

“That’s really mean,” he countered.

Giving the spiders to Yuta, letting Mujin go, and lashing out at the other victors, I guess I really was mean. It didn’t matter to me, though. I was exhausted and numb again. “Maybe I am just a mean person,” I argued. I wasn’t even sure why I was so mad.

“You’re not,” Felix said, “but I get it.”

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Things went pretty fast when we got back. Dawn had somehow convinced the police force to not arrest or kill me by using my fame to the Capitol citizens as a crutch. After his long negotiations with them, where the policemen looked more annoyed by his rambling than anything else, they agreed that I could go free with the condition that I had to star in some pro-Capitol commercials and had to shoot some magazine covers as soon as possible.

Felix had fully shutdown again for a while. I just let him do what he needed to do and mentally prepared myself for if he wouldn’t be able to come back again. We traveled back to the training center, where the victors would watch the games further and negotiate with sponsors. Because our kids were already dead, we could basically do whatever we wanted, which for us meant staying in our rooms most of the time, except for when I had to go out for shooting photoshoots and pro-Capitol ads. The photoshoot was harder than I thought, because I had to keep a smile on my face the entire time, even though I was exhausted both mentally and physically. Thinking back on what my father had said about Dawn, I guess I was a traitor as well by now.

“It’s hard, isn’t it?” another victor asked me while I washed my hands after my bathroom break for the shoot.

“Hm, I guess so,” I nodded, cautiously. I didn’t know this person who shot more pro-Capitol ads than me.

The victor – I don’t know who he was, but he was older than Boa – reached inside of his pocket and held out a small pill for me, “Here, this helps a bit.”

I stopped washing my hands and looked at it suspiciously, “What is it?”

“You can call it vitamins,” he said with a wink.

“Vitamins?” I asked.

“Yeah, you know, vitamins. Makes you feel good,” he explained with a smirk.

“Oh.”

On one hand, taking substances to deal with my pain and exhaustion would be awful. It wouldn’t help anyone for me to get an addiction right now. On the other hand, I was so tired, so if it could stop me from feeling like a traitor or a murderer then why not? Why shouldn’t I? Hadn’t I been through enough? I was about to take it when I looked at his face. He reminded me a bit too much of Jackson: kind, but not completely there. He probably started with one bottle, one can, or one glass as well to become like that. I gracefully declined in the end.

“Suit yourself,” he shrugged.

We went back to our shoots and ads, and afterwards, I was so miserable that I went looking for him anyways. It was probably a good thing that he was already gone.

Chapter Text

We could either watch the rest of the games in our rooms or at the designated victor’s viewing room. You can already guess that I didn’t want to do the latter, but Dawn and Felix wanted us to examine how the other victors watched their kids for next year, which was very hard for all of us, especially for Felix. I tried my best to take care of him in-between the viewing of the games and my shoots, but there wasn’t a lot I could do for him, we were both miserable. Soyeon was mostly very defensive and angry, but I could see that she was extremely hurt as well. Once in a while, I heard her mumble things about the Capitol that probably shouldn’t be mumbled anywhere near its facilities. Hyuna was a crying mess most of the time. Dawn took care of her, as well as us three. He made sure we ate, even if it were small portions. Somehow, the Capitol food made me nauseous, and I didn’t feel like eating anything else but pudding, so he made sure I ate at least six of them a day.

“You’ve got to eat,” he advised me.

“I don’t feel like eating,” I whined.

“Sure, but you have to,” he ordered as he gave me my fourth pudding of the day.

“I have my puddings,” I whined as if those would sustain me in any way.

“What about fish? You like fish,” he tried.

“Don’t feel like it,” I shrugged.

“Hm…oh.” He opened his bag, pulled out a little plastic package, and handed it to me, “I almost forgot that I bought this for you.”

“Mixed fruits?” I asked, confused.

“It’s better than nothing,” he shrugged.

I looked at the fruits on the packaging: apples, pears, bananas, and oranges. The sight of them alone made me not want to eat it. “I’ll see,” I sighed.

“It will help you,” he encouraged.

“I guess.”

“You have to take care of yourself,” he told me.

“Sure, I will.”

Surprisingly, Dawn hugged me suddenly. Not only was I a bit shocked by his gesture, I was a bit awkward. Dawn wasn’t really the type to show affection like this, so what was I supposed to do now? Hug back? Thinking back on how people hugged me before the games, I realized that the best action would be to hug back, right? Wasn’t that what I usually did? I hesitated too long and he let go of me. I felt like a fool.

He rubbed my arms and looked me in the eyes, “Promise me you’ll at least try to eat something?”

I held his gaze for a few seconds, then looked at the fruit package. I opened it up and started eating what was inside, which took me a lot of effort. I was exhausted afterwards, and the different flavors on my taste buds made me want to throw up, but I did it anyway because making him watch this would be better than making him see me wither away. My stomach rumbled, it really needed to adjust itself again.

He seemed a bit relieved, “I’ll make sure I can get you something light to eat at lunch,”

“Thank you, Dawn.”

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“Hundred bucks on the kids from 1 dying!” I heard Hwasa frantically say. I didn’t see her, as I rested my face on Felix’s shoulder. The games were long, too long. We’d seen too many brutal deaths already. Sometimes, when I looked at it, the deaths got mixed in with the ones I saw in the arena, and as their blood turned into spiders and scales, I had to hide myself from the world for a little while.

Hwasa had just lost her last kid, so she ran to her room, only to come back with a lot of money.

“Why the hell would you bet against my kids?” I heard Jay say, “You’re such a sick bitch!”

I tuned them out. Stress had been high amongst the mentors. Whatever they wanted to say to each other in their argument did not involve me. Felix tapped my shoulder lightly. He handed me a little daisy flower. “From Minnie,” he whispered.

I looked at it closely. It was so tiny and seemed so fragile, but it was really beautiful. The yellow stood out against the white like a little sun in the clouds. Somehow, it made me very emotional. Felix’s hand went through my hair, and he kissed my head softly. Gently, I put the flower behind his ear and kissed his cheek before resting my head again. It wasn’t long before I had to sit straight because the argument got louder.

“Z, why don’t you hold your little dog back?” Hwasa venomously spit out. There were some gasps in the room. Someone laughed.

“Dog? Dog? Did you just call me a dog?” Jay yelled. His chair made an aggravating noise as he stood up fast. The look on his face was that of pure anger.

Zico, who had been sitting next to him, seemed unsure of what to do. Moonbyul tried her best to keep him a distance from Hwasa, but it was really the demon who, silently, stood in-between them that made him stay back. Hwasa took advantage of the seconds of confusion Seonghwa provided and quickly walked away from the room.

“You’re not getting away this fucking easy, bitch!” Jay tried to follow her, but this time Zico did interfere and, together with Moonbyul, he was able to drag him to the other side of the room.

I watched how Zico and Jay spoke fast and heated with each other after Moonbyul left and how Jay, frustrated and on edge, kept telling him that it wasn’t fair. That she shouldn’t mock him or his kids so openly. She shouldn’t provoke him like that. She called him names and got away with it. Years ago, this could probably count as a playground fight. Right now, this could be a declaration of war. Zico didn’t really affirm what he said, only told Jay to calm down and that it wasn’t worth it. I’m not Jay, but I knew if I were in this situation, I would just maybe need some support and some kind words, none of which Zico provided.

Sure enough, Jay burst into tears. “The hell with it!” he exclaimed. “The hell with her, the hell with you, and the hell with whatever the fuck you are,“ he nodded towards the demon, who still stood very silently a bit away, “The hell with all of you! I quit! I quit trying to help these kids, and I quit trying to talk to any of you high-all-mighty-s! I just quit!” With that he stormed off.
Jackson, who had been sitting quietly with his head against his arm and his sunglasses on, finally moved for the first time since we got there. He sighed deeply before he begrudgingly went to follow Jay.

“Jack, what about the kids?” Zico asked as the children on the screen were still fighting for their lives and any possible moment a sponsorship could come up.

“Well, let me just focus on the one person I know will stay alive right now,” he grumbled.

As the room settled down again, I nestled myself back into Felix’s neck.

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“I got you some more of that pie you like,” Hyuna whispered to me as she put my plate down at dinner. She’d been as helpful as Dawn, if not more, in supporting me to eat more.
I thanked her and focused back on Felix. Dawn had reached out to his dad, and in return Mr. Lee had baked Felix some of his favorite cookies. Now, when Felix found out, he had been crying like a baby.

“I’m such a bad son,” he cried, “I can’t even stay strong for him. I can’t even eat his cookies. I can’t do anything right. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“You’ve been very strong this far, but you’re just human. Don’t beat yourself up too much,” Soyeon, who had been there since before I got off my shoot, comforted him, “You’ve been through a life altering event twice now. Cut yourself some slack.” Her words seemed to help a little bit.

I rubbed circles on his back. “And your dad doesn’t think that way. He sent you the desserts because he loves you and wants you to eat well. He’s proud of you. I know it,” I comforted along, even though the thought of the Lee parents made me uncomfortable after what happened back home.

“I’m just so tired,” he continued, “I’m too tired to eat. I’m too tired to brush my teeth. I always sleep, but I’m still tired. I think it’s killing me, and I don’t know what to do. I need a break. I wish I didn’t survive the games. I’m sorry.”

We comforted Felix the best we could the next few hours. I managed to make him eat some of his dad’s baked goods, and I, somehow, was able to eat most of the cake Hyuna gave me. After that, we once again went to bed. 

My dreams were of baked goods and lottery tickets. They were better than the usual nightmares I had, but somehow just as tiring, if not more.

Eleven PM. My mind was racing as soon as I woke up. How long would we stay holed up here? Until these games end? Who would win? Jay’s kids? What do we do afterwards? Go home and wait until it happens again, and again, and again? Why didn’t I take the pill the other victor offered me? Was it really the best choice? Am I a traitor, just like Dawn? Is Dawn a traitor? Dawn. He knows how everything works, right? He knows the answers. He knows. He’s the only one that does.

So, in some sort of panic, I quickly got out of bed. In his sleep, Felix grabbed my hand lightly. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so close to him, given that I wasn’t even sure if I really loved him or not anymore, but he needed comfort. I needed comfort.

“I have to see Dawn for a few moments,” I whispered as I gently placed his hand closer to him.

He made a sound, but I wasn’t sure if he had been awake when I said it. Hunching down for a few moments, I looked at his face. His freckles that I used to trace almost daily. His lips that I used to peck. I thought back to the way that I loved him so much that at times it felt like I could explode, and I tried to feel like that again, but no matter how much I tried, it was no use. Maybe it was because of how deep my emotions were hidden away or how much had happened in the last few years. Maybe it was because I had hated him and his silence for so long. Maybe because a part of me still loathed him for it. The truth was, however it happened, I had fallen out of love.

The question now was: how would I handle it? Would I leave Felix alone to deal with his trauma by himself? Even though I didn’t love him anymore, he did help me, and I wanted to believe that I helped him, too. Wasn’t that selfish of me, though, to keep leading him on only because I felt bad? I couldn’t just leave him. We went through so much together, so many years of friendship and more and he still loved me. I saw it in the way he acts. Making a decision today wouldn’t help anyone. Let’s see when we get back. I covered him more under his blanket and left for Dawn’s room.

It was the same as always, just passing the shared living room. Absent-mindedly, I walked. I had so many questions to ask and so many thoughts in my head that crowded so much of my brain that it eventually just shut down. Like a robot, I automatically just opened his door without knocking, walked over, and laid my hand on his arm, only to be wildly made aware of my senses when he suddenly got up and held a knife against my throat.

“It’s me!” I yelled, taken aback.

It took him a few beats to realize who I was.  He sighed in anger and slammed his knife on his nightstand, “Don’t do that. Don’t ever do that again,” he warned me.

“Understood,” I responded immediately.

“What do you want?” he asked. He still sounded somewhat rough, but he seemed less hostile than before.

I wasn’t sure what to do anymore. Maybe I should just let him sleep. “Sorry, I think I’ll just leave,” I said awkwardly.

“No. No,” he took my arm gently. He seemed to have calmed down, “I told you that you can always come to me when you need it, and I meant that. You caught me off guard, but I want to hear what you need help with.”

A million questions were bouncing around in my head, but I could only muster up a single one, “What do we do now?”

Dawn blinked at my question, “What do you mean?”

“I mean, what do we do now? Where do we go from here?” I asked again.

“Well, after the games, we’ll go home,” he answered casually.

“No – I mean yes, but…this is it, right? Every year it will be like this? Every night, I’ll have nightmares? This is it?” I asked.

Dawn frowned, seemingly wanting to say more, but he didn’t. He just nodded slowly, “This is it.”

Well, I would have to make peace with that, especially since I was too cowardly to actually kill myself. I nodded back, a bit disappointed, and stood up to leave.

“It won’t always be like this,” Dawn exclaimed.

“What?” I asked.

“There will be change someday, somehow, so you just have to hold on. Hold on,” he said.

Hold on. Easier said than done. I nodded, then left.

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The days went on slowly, too slowly, almost. Most kids had passed away – gruesome or not – and so most of the victors quit watching, at least in the shared space. Only one kid from 4 – The Demon’s district – and one kid from 3 – Boa’s district – were the last ones standing. The demon was taking a lot of notes, while Boa watched carefully. Eventually, it came down to the last fight between them. It was almost as spectacular as my own games. With something in the tall grass that had a voice that mimicked the contestants and their loved ones that was stalking them. It was nerve wracking to say the least. Eventually the boy from 4, who had skillfully healed his own wounds given to him by a big grasshopper, managed to sneak up on the kid from 3 while he was distracted and won. However, the mental toll on the child must have been too big. For he took his own knife and killed himself right afterwards. The demon ripped out the paper he was writing on in anger and immediately left.

It took a while before the announcer actually said something, “It looks like this year, we will not have a winner of the games. However, every contestant has fought very bravely and strongly, so good job to all of the mentors of this year!”

Clapping was heard, then the Capitol music played.

“Okay,” Zico, who had been watching the rest of the games with us, sighed, “better luck next year.”

Chapter Text

Yet another nightmare. They happened all the time and every night. This was another one about snakes, creatures, and strange men handing me small, colorful pills under bright lights. I was fighting Hyuna, so she wouldn’t change my face with bold makeup. I heard Hwasa say that I wouldn’t last long and could smell some alcohol in the distance. I could hear screams, so many different screams and my own screams.

Since I had lived through my nightmares alone after my games, having Felix wake me up and comfort me felt alien. Every time it happened, I pushed him away and told him not to touch me and to leave me alone. I’d dealt with everything alone before. My feelings – or lack thereof –, the large sum of money, the house, and the interviews, so why would he try to comfort me now? Even though we made up earlier, there were times where I still didn't trust him, and I didn’t want him to see me like this.

It was his idea to live together again. “So we can help each other,” he had said. I didn’t like it, because it felt like I had to drag him out of his head again and take care of him while he sat silently on the windowsill, but he didn’t leave me alone, and he didn’t reverse back into his zombie-like state. He did have his bad days, where he locked himself in the guest room for a few hours, but it was never as bad as before. Still, he shouldn’t try to comfort me. It wasn’t fair.

“It was just a dream,” he whispered as he put my blanket around me.

I threw it off. “I know it was just a dream, I’m not stupid,” I growled as I wiped my tears away. It was easier laying down with my face towards the wall instead of him. I didn’t have to see that painful look on his face this way. Felix didn’t respond. He put his hand on my shoulder. “Don’t touch me,” I warned him. I felt how he retreated his hand and turned around.

“Goodnight, Chris.”

I didn’t respond.

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“Good afternoon!” Hyuna sang as she walked through the door of our living room in her pink glittery heels.  Baffled, I didn’t even have the time or the thought to pick my jaw off the floor.

“Hyuna!” Felix greeted her from the couch, also shocked, “I thought the Victory Brunch was canceled?”

“Oh, yeah, it is because of…well, you know, but we’re not here for business. We’re here to visit!” she chirped.

“We?” I asked a bit too loudly.

Hyuna shot me a small, nasty look, “Yes, we,” she confirmed.

Not too long after, Dawn arrived with their bags. He puffed, hugged me and Felix, and then put the bags in a corner of the room. I already felt my heart beating faster. I didn’t want them here. “Why are you here?” I asked a bit too fast and too rough.

“What do you mean why am I here? To visit, of course,” he responded.

I eyed him uo and down, but he didn't seem to be anything other than his usual self, “To visit? That’s it?” I asked suspiciously.

“My, you’re so paranoid. Am I not allowed to visit my dear friends anymore? Do I need other motives?” he asked.

“Well, every time you come to my house, it’s to snatch me away for some cruel Capitol business,” I blurted out. This seemed to hurt Dawn quite a bit, which I hadn’t intended to do. Maybe it was a good thing Felix was here, because he saved the awkwardness in the room or, at least, tried to.

“Please, stay as long as you’d like. We have plenty of rooms available,” he said, welcoming them further into our home. Letting them slither in.

“Thank you Felix,” Hyuna said sweetly. Dawn didn’t respond to him.

Having Dawn and Hyuna around was annoying. The first time I came back with fish from Yong, Hyuna inspected it closely and then, remarked how the quality wasn’t as good as the Capitol fish.
“Surely, with all of that money you earned from the games, you can buy something better?” she had asked. She quickly apologized when I started telling her how she should’ve stayed in the Capitol if she was going to moan about everything in 9.

Dawn was annoying too, constantly keeping an eye on me. He also kept ordering packages to my house of plastic flowers made out of tiny little pieces that you’d have to construct yourself. Hyuna always placed them on various tables around the house, “It’s about time you started decorating again!” Dawn always checked the back of the box for a few seconds. I had no idea why he did that. It was always the same.

Because of Hyuna’s comments about 9, Felix’s painful look, and having to open the door for the mailman almost every other day, I was out of the house often. Just like the year before, I filled my days with exercise and visits to Soyeon.
She also didn’t seem to like Hyuna and Dawn’s presence too much, “I can handle seeing other victor’s once or twice a year if I have to, but I shouldn’t have to now, when the games are over. It’s so annoying.” I couldn’t agree more, so we often went into town or just quietly enjoyed each other’s presence in her living room. If I didn’t have her or Old Man Yong around, I was sure that I’d go insane.

“Did you speak to your family yet?” Soyeon asked me once.

“Here and there, yes. Hannah is doing well at school,” I responded.

“That’s good to hear. What about your parents?” she inquired further.

What about them, really? My mom would still look at me with that sad and scared look in her eyes. My dad was so quiet around me. Even Lucas avoided me, most of the time. 
“They’re doing well,” I said, but my voice revealed what I really meant. I didn’t want to talk about it. It hurt too much. 

“Good to hear,” Soyeon nodded, understanding my feelings of not wanting to talk about it.

The sky turned orange, pink, and yellow. It was beautiful, breathtaking really, but it also meant that I should probably head back before Dawn got worried, and Hyuna would give me a lecture. You try to kill yourself one time, and people never let you forget about it. I sighed as I got up from the chair.

“Leaving already?” Soyeon asked.

“Well, it’s getting dark outside,” I responded, gesturing towards the sky.

“That’s true. I’ll try to take Hyuna and Dawn shopping tomorrow, to get them off your back,” she offered.

“That would be amazing, thank you,” I responded gratefully.

After that, I went back home. Well, home wasn’t the right word for that place. The thought of packing all my belongings and moving to another house in the village crossed my mind often, but then what about Felix? I wasn’t the only one with nightmares and trauma. What if I left, and he took his own life? What if he reverted back into his zombie-like state? I wasn’t much comfort to him really, but at least I was there, somewhat.

Sometimes, when my day got really, really bad, awful and dark thoughts crossed my mind about how I shouldn’t have helped Felix in the games. I should’ve let him die. How it would maybe be better if he took his own life or reverted back to his zombie state, so I could get rid of him and do whatever I wanted. One time in the kitchen, I thought about how I could use one of the knives to slit Dawn and Hyuna’s throats quietly at night. It would be my revenge for being dressed up as a doll and being pulled on strings by them.
After these thoughts left me, only guilt remained. Maybe the media was right. Maybe my mom was right to look at me like that. I was a monster. Nothing better than a traitor.

“You’re home early,” Hyuna happily said.

The three of them were sitting around the living room table making those damn flowers again. Felix gave me a small and shy smile.

I ignored it. “Yeah, well, it’s getting dark out, so I figured I’d head back before I got another lecture,” I joked.

“We just want to make sure you’re safe. That’s all,” Dawn waved his hand, “Who knows what could happen after dark.”

“Sure.” I wasn’t really afraid of the dark, to be honest, not after the games.

“Chris, come join us in assembling the flowers!” Hyuna offered.

“Think I’m going to bed, actually,” I sighed.

“Oh, come on, it’s so much fun, and it’s too early to go to bed. You’re not a grandfather yet,” she joked.

“Doubt I’d ever be a grandfather anyways,” I sat down and looked at the pieces of the rose I was supposed to assemble. They didn’t seem quite right.

“Everybody grows old, Chris,” Dawn said while not taking his eyes away from his flower, “You can’t stop time.”

“Unless you get murdered at an early age in an arena for the Capitol’s pleasure, right?” I asked, annoyed. The room got eerily quiet. “And even if I did grow old, I doubt I’d have kids, never mind grandkids. I can barely take care of myself, and I don’t want to send them off to you or anyone else, so they can train how to be a murderer. I won’t allow it. I’ll kill them myself,” I continued.

“You’d do that?” Hyuna asked, shocked, “You’d kill your own kids or grandkids?”

“You wouldn’t? If there’s a chance they turned out like me? Like the demon? If they have to live their final days in pain and fear?” I asked.

“I wouldn’t,” she whispered, “I wouldn’t be able to do that. That’s a horrible idea.”

“Good thing I won’t have grandchildren then,” I concluded.

The room became silent again. I focused on making the rose. After a while, it was done. When I looked at it, it didn’t seem as pretty or worth it. The sky outside was now fully dark. The beautiful dark blue was only broken up by the ripples of the ocean. As I looked at it, I wondered how far I could go without getting caught if I just bought a boat and left. Probably not far.

“I’m going to bed,” I said, getting up.

“I’ll join you,” Felix said once again as he also got up.

“Can you please just leave me alone for a few hours?” my voice was harsh. I didn’t know where this venom came from, suddenly.

His sad eyes once again made me feel guilty, “Of course,”

I left for my bed, where I would fall asleep with a heavy heart and nightmares about long boat trips and people chasing me.
In sweat and annoyed, I woke up and stared at the ceiling with no idea how many hours it had been. Maybe even just one, but Felix hadn’t come to bed yet. I hadn’t even finished wiping the sweat on my forehead when I heard the bedroom door open, and he walked in. I sighed.

Normally, Felix would soundlessly crawl in, trying to hold me. Sometimes it worked, on days where I was too exhausted to tell him to get off of me. It mostly didn’t, but now he was just sitting on the edge of the bed.

After a few long seconds, I finally looked at him, except it wasn’t Felix. It was Dawn. He was holding the rose that I made earlier.

“It’s a beautiful rose…I really like these flower puzzles. They’re very calming,” he said.

“I guess.” I said, still half asleep.

Dawn put the rose down on the bed. Some more time passed. “How long are you going to do this?” he eventually asked.

“Do what?” I asked, annoyed.

“Punish Felix for what happened,” he answered.

I didn’t answer. I just pulled my blanket more over me.

“I know you hate me for what I had to do to you,” Dawn continued, “and I know you hate Hyuna for what she represents. That’s fine, you know. It’s fair enough. We’re not the best of people after all, but Felix, he…well, he’s trying his best to stay strong for you. He’s not fighting back against you because he loves you, and he wants to stay with you. He’s trying to connect in every possible way, and you’re just…punishing him for it. I don’t think that’s fair even if you’re having a hard time.”

I pulled the blanket over my head. Of course it wasn’t fair. Of course I shouldn’t do that to him, but I still do it.

Dawn put his hand on my arm and gently lifted my blanket off of me. I covered my face in my hands. I was too ashamed of myself. “Everybody’s worried about you,” he said gently, “Felix most of all.” When I didn’t respond, he put the blanket back on me, “Get some rest. I’ll see you at breakfast.”

Felix never came to bed that night.

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Dawn’s words stayed in my head for days afterwards. He was right, as always. I was punishing Felix for what happened, and I punished Hyuna and Dawn for what they represented which wasn’t fair. Dawn never asked to be a participant, never mind a victor, and Hyuna…tried her best.

Everybody was worried because I wasn’t okay. I knew that. I just didn’t know how to fix it. I decided to start with Felix, though it was harder than I assumed it was going to be. I hurt him more than I thought, so he was extremely cautious of every kind gesture I gave him.

“What?” Felix asked as I offered him some of the shrimp I bought earlier that day. I knew it was his favorite. He, however, was very cautious once again. “Are they poisoned?” He said it as a joke, but I saw in his eyes that he wasn’t sure if he should take one. The wind moved some strands of his hair around. It kind of hurt that he would think something like that but then again, I did kill Yuta, and I hadn’t been in my right mind for a long while.

“Nah,” I sat beside him on the sand, “just shrimp. Your favorite kind.”

He seemed to weigh his options. After a few seconds he took one, “Thanks,”

“You’re welcome,” I responded.

That was usually how long our conversations went.

Say something. Come on, you have to say something. “Lovely day today.” Damn.

Felix didn’t respond. We looked at the sea for a while. It was a beautiful day with good weather. After a while, he finally spoke up, “I think I should move out again,”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“I thought you wanted us to live together so we could help each other,” I said.

“That was my plan.” he explained, “I thought that in-between the games and the mentoring and the tours we could just…” he kicked some sand around, “We could help each other. After you started speaking to me again I figured that things would go back to normal. Kind of. As normal as they could get. I was wrong…it doesn’t feel normal anymore. At this rate I don’t even know if…if I can do it anymore. You don’t want me to help you, and you’re not helping me. You’re hurting me if anything. I held on for so long because I love you, but…I know that you don’t love me.” He pushed some more sand around with his foot, “You don’t even like me,”

“I’m sorry.” was all that I could say.

“No, I’m the one who's sorry. I should’ve been there for you after the games, but I wasn’t. I still want to be here for you, but I can’t. I also can’t let you hurt me like this anymore. It’s too painful. I’ve been selfish, and I have to be selfish again, for…for my own good,” he said.

“It’s not selfish. You’re right…I’ve hurt you a lot. Maybe it would help us both if we have some time apart,” I suggested.

“Maybe.”

“Maybe.”

We continued watching the sea make waves for a while.

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“That’s the last of his stuff,” Dawn said as he closed the box he was holding. He was helping me pack Felix’s stuff from upstairs while Hyuna was helping Felix downstairs.
Some things were very hard to decide, like who would get the sweaters we both used or things we bought together years ago. It made everything so much more painful. Somehow, it was even more painful than the first time. Maybe because I knew that this time, it was my own fault. I’d let Felix slip through my fingers. Actually, I had kind of grabbed him and thrown him away as far as possible instead.

“Great, thanks,” I numbly said as I picked up some toy statues of whales. He loved whales.

“I know it’s hard,” Dawn tried to comfort me.

“You don’t know shit. Sorry, wait,” I quickly added, “that’s not what I meant. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. You’re right anyways. I never really had someone I truly loved,” he told me.

“Really? Never?” I asked, surprised. I didn’t think someone from 9 would be with Dawn because of his traitor reputation, but he was handsome and kind. Surely, there must have been at least one person in the Capitol that took interest in him. 

“I’ve had flings here and there, but never someone special. I guess I’ve mostly been too busy.” he responded.

Something about the way he said it told me that it was something more than that, something deeper. I decided not to pry. “Don’t worry about it. You’re a catch. It’s everyone else’s loss,” I said.

“Oh? Are you flirting with me?” he joked.

“Absolutely not. I’m not interested in the slightest,” I quickly countered.

“Your loss.”

“Sure, do you fancy men, Dawn?” I asked.

He shrugged at my question, “Sometimes. Why?”

“So you’re just a loser on both fronts,” I added.

He laughed at my joke, “Okay, let’s get these boxes downstairs.”

I looked at the whales one last time and followed Dawn to the living room. It looked like Hyuna and Felix were also as good as done packing.

“Oh wow, I forgot about these,” Felix said as I gave him the box, “They’re adorable,”

“Figured you’d want them back,” I said.

“Of course.” He rummaged in it for a few seconds, then fished a small one out and handed it to me, “You can keep it.”

“What, why?” I asked, confused.

“I don’t know. It would feel pretty bad leaving without leaving you anything,” he answered.

“We still live on the same street. It’s not like we’ll never see each other again.” I tried handing the whale back.

“Yeah, but…still, just keep it,” he pushed it back, holding my hand a bit longer than he probably should have.

“Okay…” I looked at the small statue, remembering when I bought it for him a few years back. It made me sad.

I heard Dawn comfort Hyuna and as I pried my eyes away from the whale I could see that her face was red and she was sniffling and tearing up. “I’m sorry. It's just so sad,” she cried as she hid her face.

“We’ll still see each other from time to time. It’s not like I’m moving to another district or even another street,” Felix tried to comfort her.

“I know, but you two were so amazing together! It’s just so sad,” she continued to cry.

“It’s fine,” I tried to say casually, but it came out rather cold.

She was making me feel even worse than I already did. I didn’t mean it literally, but I saw in Felix’s eyes that he knew that he had made the right choice when I said it.

Chapter Text

“It’s a pig’s stall in here!” Hyuna yelled.

“Hmhm,” I groaned in response.

“I know you feel awful.”

“Hm.”

“And I know you’re having a lot of nightmares lately.”

“Hm.”

“But you really have to get your shit together, Chris!”

“Hmhm.”

“Are you even listening to me? No, don’t you pull your blanket over your head, Chris. Chris!”

I ignored Hyuna further. It was true though. My house was a mess. I normally liked things clean, but I was too burned out lately. All I wanted to do was sleep. Thinking about cleaning up…thinking about anything…was too exhausting. 

Hyuna sighed, “Fine, I’ll clean up once again.” She sounded annoyed, but something in her tone was also warm and worried. I wondered why she still took care of me after I’d been so mean to her.

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“Get up, idiot,” Soyeon said as she pulled the blanket off of me.

“What?” I looked around in confusion. Hyuna was nowhere to be seen. My room was cleaner, though.

“When did you get here?” I asked, confused.

“I came just now. You were sleeping,” she responded.

“I didn’t even realize I fell asleep.”

“Well, you’re awake now so let’s go,” she said as she threw some clothes at me.

“Let’s go where?” I asked.

“Anywhere you want,” she responded.

“What if I want to stay in bed?” I asked.

“Absolutely not, those three idiots might treat you with silk gloves, but not me. We’re going to get you some fresh air even if you just want to lay down. Let’s lay down on the sand,” she suggested.

“…thank you,” I replied after a few seconds.

“You’re welcome. Get dressed and maybe take a shower. A long one…” she suggested.

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Little by little, Soyeon’s harsh yet kind help helped me get a bit better than before, but even now, four months before the new season of the games, the Capitol made ads that made me feel horrible. I had days where I couldn’t get up, and Soyeon respected that. There were also good days, or well, I guess they were more neutral than good. I couldn’t really remember being truly happy anymore.

The ads were so overbearing. Every time that we went into town, they were there. Every mechanical sign was covered in old interviews, recaps of the games, and reporters discussing it. I never noticed them as much in the past but now, after my own games, they were maddening.

Soyeon had her own bad days as well. After seeing her old interview on tv in a glimpse, she wanted to be inside for the rest of the day. I made her tea and fish cakes and stayed inside with her.
Dawn didn’t care as much, or he tried to give that impression. However, sometimes at night, I saw him bend over those flowers with his face in his hands. It reminded me of the small child that looked at his parents for guidance during the interview.

I put the tea I made for him on the table and put my other hand on his back, “You okay?” I whispered.

Dawn took a deep breath and stretched his back, “Yeah, I’m okay,” he said, though it wasn’t heartfelt.

“I know you’ve been doing it for years, but if you do need to talk about the ads and whatnot…”

“Thank you,” he responded.

“Yeah, no problem.” I spent the rest of the evening sitting next to him in silence while we sipped our tea.

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A little over a year and a half after my own games, the people in District 9 finally stopped looking at me like I was an alien when I passed by their shops. Some shopkeepers even made casual conversation with me and Soyeon, even when their customers did back away a little bit. Old Man Yong put in a good word for us as well.

“Those kids,” I heard him say once when he was talking to Mr. Hwan, the owner of the gejang market, “they’re very good kids. Very decent. Always looking out for me in my old days. It’s not right, what happened to them, and it’s not right how people treat them. They’re good kids, I’m telling you!”This made Soyeon cry. I was glad that I had never traded his shop for a fancier, more expensive one.

“What do you feel like eating today? Salmon?” I asked Soyeon as we walked to his shop.

Soyeon lifted up her nose at this, “Yuck!”

“Okay, no Salmon. Shellfish?” I suggested.

“Shellfish sounds good,” she responded.

I greeted Old Man Yong when I walked through the door, only to be surprised to see a familiar face looking back at me. I hadn’t seen Felix in months now, even though we lived on the same street. We seemed to be very skilled in not crossing paths with each other.

“Oh, hello,” I said awkwardly.

“Hi,” he awkwardly greeted back.

“Ah, Chris!” Old man Yong greeted me, “Welcome back to my shop! Let me just finish up the order of your friend, and then I’ll come right to you.”

“Sure, take your time. We got nowhere to go,” I told him.

“Big dinner tonight?” Soyeon asked Felix after seeing the fish that Yong was packing for him.

“Yeah, my family’s coming over, so I’ve asked my dad to help me prepare a meal for them,” he answered.

“That’s nice,” I chimed in.

“Yeah, I’d say you can join, but it seems like you have your own dinner plans,” he smiled.

“Oh, we don’t want to be a bother,” I quickly said.

Soyeon side-eyed me. Felix then made his payment and got ready to leave.

“Felix, we all need to go the same way. If you wait a few minutes, then you can walk with us,” Soyeon said casually.

Fuck.

Both Felix and I seemed to pause for a moment. “Sure, yeah, walk with us,” I invited him after a few seconds of back and forth in my brain.

He nodded, and we got our order and left. Soyeon made sure that Felix walked next to me, which was awkward. We exchanged some small talk, but not more than that. Maybe if I felt better I could actually have a decent conversation with him. Maybe it would’ve been better if Soyeon didn’t ask him along. Maybe I should have asked him to come eat with us instead of his family. Mayb –

“Are you thinking of maybe’s again?” Felix asked with a small smile.

“How do you know?” I asked a bit sheepishly.

“Because I know you and that look on your face. I am – I was your best friend for years, remember?” he responded.

“Oh, right.”

We walked further in silence. In the distance, a billboard with a face that I wished wasn’t as familiar popped up. “God, there he is again,” I said, annoyed. It was one of his past interviews. “Every year.”

“Oh, yeah, Seonghwa,” Soyeon casually said, “I wonder how many years it’ll take until they finally stop using him for promo.”

“Maybe never,” Felix said, “I saw one with Boa on my way here. They never let go of her, either.”

“I guess seeing him on screen is better than seeing him out and about,” I mumbled.

Felix mumbled something back that I didn’t understand.

“What was that?” I asked a bit more harshly than I intended to.

“Nothing.”

Then, I saw him as we took a few steps forward. On a big screen as well, answering questions with a smile and a focused yet weird look in his eyes. Myself, in one of the many interviews. One that I didn’t even remember. Hyuna’s makeup professionally crafted my face into someone I didn’t recognize. It felt alien like looking at a twin or a doppelganger that didn’t exist.

“Oh, Chris,” Soyeon said sympathetically, “you’ll get used to it.”

Suddenly, it felt like people would look up at the screen and then back down at me. They’d connect the dots. They’d recognize the crazy man who killed Yuta and who held a dying Bambam in his arms. The beast killer. I wanted to hide my face and disappear. I wanted to kill myself. I started walking again, faster this time. I just wanted to get back to the house where I would curl up into a ball and die.

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“Every victor feels this way,” Soyeon tried to comfort me, “The person in the games…in the interview…it’s not you. It’s not any of us. It’s who they try to sell to the audience.”

I ignored her, staying under my blankets. Of course, just when I started to feel somewhat more neutral in life, something had to come up to make me feel like shit. “Just leave,” I told her.

“Do you want me to call Dawn and tell him to come back home from his trip?” she asked.

“No.”

“Okay…are you going to do something stupid when I leave?” she asked as well.

“No.”

“Are you sure?” she verified.

“Yes.”

“Okay,” I felt her hugging me through my blanket. “If you need anything, I’m just across the street,” she said softly.

“Hm.”

She left, and I continued to feel like shit. After drifting in and out of consciousness for hours, I finally gave up on trying to get a few hours of sleep, sighed, and went downstairs for a glass of water. “Oh?” I said surprised as I saw Felix sitting at the living room table, “You’re still here?”

“Yeah, hi.”he responded nervously.

“Hi.”

“Hi…yeah, I – I didn’t know if you wanted me to stay or not, so I just did, kind of. I can leave if you want me to, though, or I can stay if you want me to do that,” he said, stumbling through his words.

“What about your dinner party?” I asked.

He got a bit red, “Oh, that’s tomorrow. I just kind of panicked when Soyeon asked, and then it was too late to take it back. I didn’t want to make everything awkward, so I just didn’t correct myself, but maybe I should have. I don’t know. Things stayed awkward anyways, so it didn’t really matter, and I don’t know why I’m saying all of this because it’s just as awkward now, sorry. Maybe I should just leave, sorry.” He started getting up, but his panicked rant had been kind of endearing. Even after everything and even though I didn’t love him, I still seemed to care.

“No, please, don’t worry about it. Stay if you want to, it’s fine,” I told him. Please stay.

“Would – would you like me to? Stay, I mean,” he asked cautiously.

“Yes.” My answer came out so quickly. Maybe too quickly. “I mean, if you want to. Do you want to?” I asked him.

“Only if you want me to,” he responded.

“Stay.”

We held eye contact for a few seconds.

“Okay,” Felix agreed, “I’ll stay,”

I nodded, then sat down next to him. Things were quiet. Felix fiddled with his hands. I looked down. Thinking back on how we used to talk for hours on end, the tense silence was almost unbearable. “I’m sorry,” I eventually said, “for everything,”

Felix shook his head and looked at me, “It’s not your fault,”

“Isn’t it, though?” I asked.

“No, we went through some traumatizing stuff. It would be mad to not be responsive to that, wouldn’t it?” he asked in response.

“I guess, but I treated you awfully, and yet, you’re still here,” I said, glancing at him.

He gave a faint smile to this, “I’ll always be here.”

“Thank you.”

It almost felt like stabbing him. I knew he wanted more from me. A heartfelt speech or a love confession, but a thank you was all I could muster up. He bit his cheek and looked down, unable to hide his disappointment.

“I saw myself too,” he eventually shared, still looking down, “When I was walking to Yong’s shop. The interviews from before the game. It was so weird. I haven’t changed that much in looks, but I feel so different. Older. Like I’ve aged thirty years.” He was still fidgeting with his hands, unable to keep still as he thought back on what he saw on the screen.

I gently grabbed one of them. He immediately held mine as well and continued, “When I think of what I should be doing at my age…or what other people are doing, it just seems so insignificant to me. School, work, friendships, and boy problems…I can’t seem to relate anymore. Sometimes, I think of how small their problems are, and I get so mad at them for making a big deal out of it. It makes me feel so guilty, but it also makes me so, so mad at them.”

“It’s not their fault either,” I said softly, “That’s just the way it is.”

“You’re right,” Felix said as he looked at me, a bit teary eyed, “It is what it is.”

“Right,” I squeezed his hand.

He seemed to doubt his thoughts for a few seconds, but then he snuggled his face in my neck, “I miss you,”

“I miss you too,” I confessed as I hugged him tight.

“But not in the way that I miss you,” he responded in a small voice, “You still don’t love me, I can feel it,”

“Felix, I don’t feel…I don’t feel.” It was true. Ever since the Victory tour…maybe even before that…I had bottled everything up so well that I felt muted all the time. I didn’t feel love, and now, I was afraid I would never feel it again.

Felix spoke up, “I know what that feels like or doesn’t feel like, I guess.”

“Just because I don’t love you, doesn’t mean that I don’t care about you anymore,” I said as I pushed him back so we looked at each other again, “You’ve been in my life since as long as I can remember. I love you even if it’s not romantically.”

“So, are we…are we still friends?” he said so purely that my heart hurt.

“Of course! If you still want to be after how I treated you,” I told him.

“Yes, I’d like that,” Felix put his head back against my neck.

I held him tight again and rocked a bit back and forth. The physical contact actually calmed me down as well, though I had a lot of emotions. Guilt, relief, and some shame.

“Can I sleep here tonight?” Felix asked. “I promise I won’t try to seduce you or anything,” he laughed.

“Sure, we’ll have a sleepover,” I joked.

“Love that. Do you have any snacks?” he asked, lighting up.

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Once again, Dawn was sitting at the table, head in his hands, seemingly lost in thoughts. Just like last time, I made him tea and sat by him quietly. The cup made a small sound as I put it down.
Putting a hand on his back, I spoke softly, “I wish you would tell me what’s going on,”

He didn’t say anything back, just leaned backwards and stared out of the window, to the sea.

“It’s the ads, isn’t it?” I asked, “I know you’re friends with them. Seeing them on the boards is probably not easy. Seeing yourself, of course, too.”

To this Dawn finally looked at me. He seemed to have decided on something. Thinking, he sipped from his tea. “How good is your mental health right now?” he asked just when I could barely stand the silence and his gaze anymore.

“Good question, pretty…neutral,” I responded after a bit of thought.

“Neutral?” he questioned.

“Well, I’m not happy, but I’m not sad. I don’t know…it is what it is. Why?” I asked.

He sipped from his tea again, thinking. Eventually, he got up and grabbed his jacket, “Let’s take a walk.”

Dawn had lived at 9 for many years. Sometimes, I forgot. It’s times like these, when he took me to the edge of a cliff that I didn’t even know about, twenty minutes from the victor’s village, that I remembered. The waves were rough and the rocks down in the drop were pointy. It made me anxious. As if he would murder me in cold blood

“Are you going to kill me?” I carefully asked. I never thought it would be Dawn, but if anybody had to, maybe it was best if it were him. I wouldn’t mind as much.

“What? No, why would I do that?” he asked, surprised and confused.

“I don’t know. You’re the one that took me on a twenty minute walk to a cliff with a deep drop and pointy rocks,” I shrugged, “I’d understand if you tried. I’m not exactly fun to be around.”

“God, Chris, you’re such a freak sometimes. I’m not going to kill you. Sit down,” he commanded.

We sat down on a patch of grass, looking over the ocean.

“This place is nice,” I said after a while.

“It is. It’s far away from all of the chaos. I used to come here often,” he told me.

“I can see why. It’s so peaceful.”

“Yeah…and loud, so no anxiety about cameras or mics,” he added.

“Is that something you’re worried about?” I asked. surprised.

“You never know. I don’t trust these houses any more than I trust the ones in the Capitol itself,” he said with a little disgust.

“I see,” I responded thoughtfully.

Peaceful waves.

“There’s an uprising,” he shared.

“A what?” I asked, surprised.

“An uprising. A rebellion. It’s been happening for quite a while now,” he told me.

“You never told me,” I said, a bit offended.

“I wanted to,” he said.

“But…?”

Dawn tore his eyes away from the waves and looked at me, “But I didn’t think it was the right time.” 

“Hmhm…so I was right. You didn’t come here on vacation or visit. You came here for your ulterior motives again,” I said, looking back at the ocean. I don’t know why that kind of hurt me.

“I know it’s not a consolation, but I really was worried about you,” he said.

“You’re right,” I agreed, “It’s not a consolation.” Dawn lowered his head at this. “Does Felix know? About the rebellion?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“Hyuna?”

“She knows the basics. Only what I tell her,” he frowned, “I’m not too trustful of her yet.”

“Probably Soyeon as well…It’s just me then?” I asked.

“What do you want me to say?” he asked, defeated.

“Nothing…You’re still making me a part of your games,” I said, getting upset.

“Not my games. Never my games,” he argued, also getting upset.

“How can I be sure? Weren’t you the one on the cover of Capitol Weekly seven times? What about me? How can you be sure of my loyalty? I’ve given enough interviews and photoshoots to be on your level,” I questioned him.

“My level?” he asked with his lips pressed together.

“You didn’t forget your nickname already, Dawn?” I asked him, equally upset.

“Of course not, but I also know that you’re one of the victors that wants to see the games burn. You’ve lost too much to them and suffered enough. I’m not asking you to be my best friend. I’m not even asking you to trust me. I’m asking you to end this with me,” he took a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it up, “or we can do this without you. You can go into hiding and not come out until they’re overthrown. Maybe in a year or maybe forever. You can even go to their side if you want to.” He took a drag.

“Now, why would I do that, Dawn?” I venomously questioned.

Dawn shrugged, “Safety? Comfort? Fame? Who knows? Who cares?” He blew smoke out, “You’re on my level, aren’t you?”

I didn’t answer for quite a while. My voice didn’t waver when I broke the silence. There wasn’t doubt, or hesitation:
“I’m in.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“See?”

“I can’t see shit,” I responded.

“Look closer.”

I felt quite stupid after Dawn handed me the backside of the puzzle flower box, and I still couldn’t see the hidden messages he told us about in the text. I had to reread it a third time before I realized what he meant.

“Oh, the letters. They’re…different somehow,” I said, concentrating on the box.

“Exactly,” Felix stepped towards me and pointed at one, “They’re just a millimeter longer and half a pixel more bold. You can hardly notice it if you don’t know it’s there,”.

I reread the text again, carefully paying attention to the letters.

“d i s s i x p r e p a r i n g.”

“District 6 preparing…?” I asked.

“Exactly,” Felix said again.

“Seonghwa’s partner makes them,” Dawn revealed as he leaned back on the grass. We had moved back to the cliff for this conversation. “They’re very creative,” he continued.

“Wait – you know who it is?” I asked, “Even Hwasa and Hyuna don’t know!”

“Of course I do,” Dawn took a sip of his thermos coffee. I waited for him to elaborate, but he didn’t.

“Don’t bother,” Felix went to sit down, “I already asked. He doesn’t budge,”

“Well, what do I know what you guys say to each other nowadays…” I mumbled. As Felix averted his eyes, Dawn put his thermos down.

Soyeon, who was sitting next to me, sighed, “Want to get something off your chest?”

“No, forget I said anything,” I answered.

“We’ll ignore your passive-aggressiveness further then. Felix?” she asked, looking at him.

“What? Oh,” he looked a bit sheepish, “I’ll…ignore it too. I guess.”

“Good, then we can focus on overthrowing the government instead of petty drama,” she concluded.

We discussed the rise of the various districts. Hwasa and Moonbyul had been riling up the workers in 11, which was easy to do. The high work hours and little pay the Capitol had implemented already put them on edge. Zico was handling 2. The people seemed to like him and were very inspired by his strong speeches. 3 and 7 were also slowly getting in on the plan. The rest were pretty neutral except for 12, who were very loyal to the Capitol, and 4, who had to provide medical aid to both the wounded of the Capitol and the rebellion. The meeting lasted a long while.
At the end of it, we spent some time just looking out at sea. With the wind on my cheeks and the waves in my ears, I suddenly felt very tired. The whole thing felt surreal. I couldn’t believe a revolution was actually happening…I stretched and laid down on my back.

“Well, I’m beat,” I heard Dawn say. “I’m off to bed. See you guys later.”

“Later,” I said.

“See you,” Felix said.

I heard rustling beside me. “I’m off too. I started a new knitting project,” Soyeon shared before she left.

Watching the sky go from blue to different shades of orange, I counted clouds and tried to find shapes in them. Funny, I used to do it all the time as a child. When I laid there, I wondered when the last time was that I actually looked at the sky. Truly looked, appreciating it fully. I felt different than usual…more at peace, but I wasn’t sure if I was healing, or if I was distracted by the rebellion. I was sure that my mind would go back to stabbing me soon enough.

The oranges became darker shades of reds, and with a sigh, I sat up. A bit further next to me sat Felix, using a stick to draw in the sand. Awkwardly, I had to admit to myself that I forgot he was still here.

“Having fun?” I asked.

“Bored out of my skull,” he smiled without looking up.

“Why don’t you go home then?” I asked him.

“What can I do at home that I can’t do here?” he countered.

“Good point.”

“I’m not bored. Actually, I’m…restless…” he frowned.

“Hmhm.” I went back to watching the clouds and the ocean.

“We can’t see our cave from here,” Felix shared.

“What?” I asked, confused.

“Our cave…we can’t see it from here,” he repeated.

It was true, no matter where I looked, I couldn’t find it. “I hadn’t noticed,” I told him.

“It was the first thing I looked for,”

“We’re twenty minutes away, remember?” I told him.

“Yeah, but it’s still there even if we can’t see it,” he said as he looked at me, and I realized he wasn’t really talking about the cave at all. He looked sad again with his mouth drooped and his eyebrows knitted. Unable to help myself, I went to sit right next to him, laying my head on his shoulder and positioning my leg in a way that he could put his own over it. He always liked it that way.

“You’re giving me such false hope like this,” Felix whispered. Nevertheless he wrapped his arms around mine. 

“It’s you who’s asking for it,” I gently reminded him.

“It makes me less sad,” he told me. Closing my eyes, a pang of guilt struck me once again. “Maybe it’s not good,” he said, “To have so much hope,”

“Maybe.”

“It’s the same with the rebellion. It feels like it’s all going to be over soon. That it was maybe just a bad dream, but so much can go wrong. Maybe we’ll never be free. Maybe we’ll all have to play the games forever,” he continued.

“That’s a lot of maybe’s,” I smiled as I looked at him, “I thought that was my thing,”

He couldn’t help but smile back, “Well, when you spend so much time with someone else…”

Something shifted in his eyes, and I knew neither of us would like what came next. After I gently stopped him from leaning in to me, he put his head on my shoulder and quietly cried for a while. I put my arms around him and let him do it until the sun fully went down.