Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

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Emma’s lifelong dream has always been to capture history as it happened. She’s always wanted to be able to take pictures that would become so popular amongst the people that she’d see them everywhere—that they’d take one look at the picture and be able to know who took it, and it’d be her. That dream first started to come true when she received her first concert photography gig for Spiritbox. Emma accepted the offer immediately. This was her chance to shine. And she did, for the most part. Looking back at her pictures now, she could have done better on the editing and the angles, but she’s still proud of herself for being able to have the opportunity and achieve this milestone in life. She could only imagine how many other people’s dreams it is to do what she does.

But after Spirtibox’s tour ended, Emma was left with nothing to do. Tour only ended a week ago, but as she looked over her funds, Emma realized she couldn’t go much longer without another gig. So here she was: sitting on her couch in her lousy flat, scrolling through bands to see who does or doesn’t need a photographer. Then a logo caught her eye: Sleep Token.

Emma cocks a brow, wondering how on earth someone could have come up with a name like that, but proceeds to look up their website anyway. She scrolled through their merch, looked at the tour dates for their upcoming tour “Even In Arcadia,” and even clicked through their Instagram profile before deciding she wouldn’t be able to capture anything even nearly as good as their last photographer did.

Emma sighs as her phone begins to ring next to her laptop, and she turns the screen towards herself to read the name. Her best friend Maxine was calling, but did she really want to answer? She answered anyway.

“Emma!” Came Maxine’s sing-song voice. “ Do you want to go out to dinner with me tonight? We haven’t hung out in forever!”

Emma sighed, looking longing at her laptop screen that still displayed Sleep Token’s website’s homepage. She needs a break from work. She’d been touring with Spiritbox for a while, and while she’s already had a week-long break, exhaustion was still evident in her mannerisms. She nodded. “Sure, where at?”

“ I knew you’d come through!” Maxine chirped. Emma couldn’t help the smile that tugged at the corner of her lips. “Does Fallow sound good to you?”

“Yeah, of course.” Emma nods. “How about I meet you there at—“ she looks at the time in the corner of her laptop. It reads 4:57 pm— “6:00? I need time to get ready.”

“That’s fine. You better not flake on me, Lionheart,” Maxine teased playfully. Emma rolled her eyes, but assured her best friend that she wouldn’t. She hung up after a few moments and quickly subjected herself to getting ready for dinner.

Emma decided a dress would be fitting for tonight, so she dressed herself in a black dress and kitten heels, quickly running the straightener through her hair before putting on some cosmetics and hurrying out the door at 5:40pm.

She made it to Fallow just in time, finding Maxine sitting near a window. She sat down across from her.

“You actually made it in time,” Max teases. “That is so unlike you.”

“Oh, shut up.” Emma rolls her eyes. “It’s because I have nothing to do now. I finished touring with Spiritbox so now I’m in between jobs.”

“I thought bands usually kept the same photographer for all of their tours?” Maxine asks more than stated as she takes a sip of her wine. Emma sighs.

“Yeah,” she says, “usually. Their last photographer was out for personal reasons so I was more of a substitute. I’ll find a gig soon though.”

“Hopefully,” Maxine adds. “Can’t have you living on the streets. That would be embarrassing for me.”

Emma laughed. “I’ll take you down with me.”

“Next time you go on tour, you should get me free tickets to their concert,” Maxine said after a few heartbeats of silence. “I would have loved to see Spiritbox.”

“I’ll have to see. Spiritbox was a dream to see live.”

Their table’s waitress approached with menus, handing them off to the girls and giving them a moment to look over their food options. She returned after a few minutes, took their orders, and promptly left with the menus, promising them their food would be out soon.

“Logan is moving out,” Maxine says suddenly. Emma’s eyes widened. “Yeah, we’re taking a break. He’s just… grown super distant lately, you know? And I want someone committed. So I’m giving him space and a chance to get his shit together.”

“And… if he doesn’t fix himself?” Emma asked tentatively.

“Then I’m going to end it,” Maxine sighed.

“Max… I’m so sorry.” She reached across the table and clasped her hand around her friend’s, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze. “If you need anything, you can always call me. And you have a key to my flat.”

“Thanks Emmie.” Max gave her a tight smile. She opened her mouth to say more but the waitress arrived with their food and handed out the dishes accordingly. They ate quietly, making a few comments here and there. Emma and Maxine have known each other since middle school, so they’ve long passed the part in their relationship where they can sit in comfortable silence. Their hangouts usually consisted of this, neither of them talking and just relishing in each other’s company.

When they finished, they split the check and made their way outside. “I don’t want to go home yet,” Max admitted. “Logan is still there—all of his stuff is there. Em, is it okay with you if I go home with you?”

Emma clicked her tongue. “Of course. We still wear the same size, right?”

“Well, I hope I’ve not gained any weight,” Max laughs. They flagged down a cab and they were back at Emma’s flat in no time. She fumbled with the keys but managed to unlock the door and stepped inside. She noticed she had left her laptop open on the coffee table and quickly made way to close it, but noticed she had a few new emails. She hesitated, deciding whether she wanted to look through them now or save that for the morning.

Tomorrow, she decided after a heartbeat.

“I have drinks in the fridge,” Emma began to say but Maxine already beat her to it, opening a cold Dr. Pepper while she kicked off her shoes. Emma giggled. “Okay, well then I’m gonna go shower. Mi casa es su casa.”

“Awh, you’re showering without me?” Max called as Emma disappeared into her room to grab a clean change of pajamas. Her shower was quick, just a quick shampoo and rinse of her hair and a quick wash of her body. When she stepped out of the bathroom, in pajamas and a towel wrapped around her hair, she found a desperate looking Maxine waiting just outside the door.

“Oh, thank God! You took forever!” she yelped before running into the bathroom. Emma just sighed softly and gave an affectionate roll of her eyes. She sat down at her vanity, plugged her hairdryer in, and got to work drying her hair. Once she was finished, Maxine was out of the bathroom and waiting for her in the living room to join her for a movie.

“So, what are the options?” Emma asked when she sat down. Maxine smiled sheepishly.

“The Twilight Saga,” she answered.

“All of them?” Emma asked incredulously. “Max, don’t you have work in the morning?”

Max waved a dismissive hand. “Have you lost track of time? Tomorrow is Saturday, and I have the weekends off.”

“Oh shit,” Emma gasped. “I guess I have lost track of time.”

“Happens when you’re busy being a bum,” Maxine quipped. She turned on Twilight while Emma turned off the lights and grabbed blankets for the both of them. They managed to make it through the first two movies before they both fell asleep—which Emma was secretly grateful for, because she’s not sure if she would have been able to function like a normal human in the morning if she’d somehow managed to stay up all night.

Max was already up before her, if the strong smell of coffee wafting from the kitchen was anything to go by. Emma sat up groggily, blinking the sleep from her eyes. Her back was killing her after sleeping on the couch. How can she only be 26 and already feeling like a 99 year old grandma?

She tiredly stumbled into the kitchen to find Max leaning against the counter, a fresh cup of coffee on the counter next to her. “Wow, I thought you’d never wake,” Max commented.

“What?” Emma yawned. She opened the fridge, looking for something to eat but found nothing appealing. She really needed to go grocery shopping soon. “What time is it?”

“Almost 11am,” Max said absentmindedly, scrolling on her phone. “This is my third cup of coffee.”

“Fuck,” Emma groaned. She hurried into the living room and opened her laptop, thankful it still had enough battery in it to get through these emails. She scrolled through them, dismissing the spam and the emails that just weren’t really that important to her at the moment. But then a particular name caught her attention.

Her heart plummeted into her stomach and her eyes grew comically wide. “Holy shit!” she gasped aloud with meaning to. She couldn’t help but just stare at the email displayed on her screen.

RCA management had emailed her, saying they had taken a look at her portfolio and wanted her to be Sleep fucking Token’s photographer for their upcoming shows.

“What? What’s up?” Max asked worriedly. She came to sit by Emma on the couch and peered over her shoulder at her screen. “Is this good? Who’s RCA? What’s Sleep Token?”

“My new gig,” Emma breathed. “Oh my God, this is incredible. Max, do you know what this means?”

“No… I don’t, actually.”

Emma scoffed. “They’re, like, making history as we speak. I’ve only heard a few of their songs but they’re all so good. Their last tour sold out in minutes and apparently their new tour did so too—“

“So, they’re a good band? That’s cool. What kind of music do they make?”

“Uh…” Emma trailed off. Sleep Token didn’t really stick to genres—they created art, arne art doesn’t need to be named to be beautiful, really. “They don’t really have any genres. They really just make whatever, and it all sounds amazing still.”

“So they want you to go on tour with them?” Max cocked a brow. Emma shrugged, scanning over the email once more.

“I… guess so…” she said finally. “God, I can’t believe this! I mean— I was looking at them yesterday but I never thought they would reach out to me, you know? This is insane.”

“I’m so happy for you!” Maxine chirped. “This is huge, you deserve this. What do they look like?”

Emma flushed. “Well, they’re a little interesting.” She opened her browser and quickly typed the band name in the search bar and watched as the various pictures of the lead singer, Vessel, flooded her screen. He wore a simple cloak, red and white mask, and black pants. No shirt, which made watching concert videos very interesting. Max hummed.

“Okay, so he’s hot as fuck,” she chuckled. “I’m so jealous you get to see this everyday.”

“If I accept their offer,” Emma reminded her.

“Which you will,” Max said pointedly. “Because look at how excited you are just reading the damn email. Imagine what it would be like seeing them in real life!”

Emma turned back to her screen, zoning out as she stared at the images. Her lifelong dream has always been to capture history as it happened. She wants people to look at her pictures and recognize her as the photographer. She wants to see her pictures everywhere she goes—Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, etc., etc. This opportunity—shooting for Sleep Token, of all bands!—could be huge. She would be one step closer to achieving her dreams.

“I’ll sleep on it,” she said finally. She closed her laptop.

“What?” Max asked incredulously. “Did you hesitate like this when Spiritbox reached out to you?”

Emma shook her head slowly.

“So why should you now?”

“I don’t know,” Emma admitted.

“Okay,” Max huffed. “I’m not going to pressure you into anything you don’t want to do, but please consider this. You said they’re huge. If you take this offer, you could be huge too. Haven’t you always wanted that?”

Emma nods. “I’ll think about it.”

Max stayed for the majority of the day, until the sun began to set and she realized she couldn’t just stay at Emma’s flat until Logan moved out completely, so she got dressed and called herself a cab, leaving Emma all by lonesome. She took the time to pick up her flat and make herself some spag bol (because she can make some ripping spag bol, in her opinion). Emma sat down in her living room to finish watching the Twilight Saga and eat her dinner, but her mind was far away from present time. All day, since she read the email, she couldn’t stop thinking about how RCA had reached out to her, because they wanted her to shoot for Sleep Token’s Even In Arcadia tour. She had considered the offer before it was even possible last night, so why was she hesitating so much now? Max certsinly seemed to have a point this morning, too. This could 100 percent boost her career. She could become huge.

This is just one step closer to achieving her dreams, Emma reminded herself. After a few minutes of building up the courage to email RCA back, she paused her movie and set her bowl aside, bringing her laptop into her lap and opening it up. She found RCA’s email from this morning and began typing up a reply.

After she finished typing, she sat back on the couch and just stared at her screen. After she sends this, there’s no going back.

Emma read her response a few times over before inhaling sharply and pressing send. She hadn’t even realized she’d been holding her breath until the email had been sent, and she let out a sharp exhale.

Well, there’s certainly no going back now.

She’ll be looking forward to seeing Sleep Token on tour.

Chapter Text

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A week passed since Emma took up the offer to photograph for Sleep Token. And today, she’s scheduled to meet with RCA Management to discuss… some additional topics—whatever that may mean. Probably to sign an NDA, because she knows the band is anonymous.

Maybe she’d get to meet some of the band members, if she ever ended up that lucky.

But now, she’s on her way to a coffee shop to get her daily caffeine intake before making her way to the building she’s supposed to meet up with RCA in. The cafe she stopped at was wedged between two restaurants, across the street from a few corporate buildings. She waited in line to order her coffee—a caramel macchiato—then found a couch towards the back to sit in while she waited for her name to be called. 

Soon enough, her name was called, and she stepped up to the counter to grab her coffee. Emma attempted to brush past a customer stepping back from the counter but accidentally shoulder checked him—or, well, sort of. He was extremely tall, practically towering over her. He wore a frown on his face but it contorted into some sort of scowl when he looked down at her.

Emma just flashed him a tight smile and grabbed her coffee, quickly making her way out of the cafe and towards the management building. The walk was peaceful (as peaceful as London could get), which was one of the many reasons Emma chose to walk places instead of calling a cab. Another reason was because she hoped she would magically run into one of the most gorgeous men she’d ever seen and they just happen to fall in love.

Emma laughed at herself. What’s gotten into her lately?

She reached the management building and slipped through the glass doors. The building was unmistakable—it was massive and ornate, filled with various (albeit mundane) decorations. She wasn’t quite sure what exactly she was supposed to do, so she walked right up to someone dressed in business casual and asked where she could meet up with someone named James Richards. She was immediately told to go up to the third floor and the room would be the first out of the elevator.

Emma thanked her and immediately made way to find the elevators. She was thankful the elevator was empty when the doors closed, so she’d have just a little time to think to herself without the usual bustle of mid-day London. And, even better, the elevator flew right up to the third floor—no stops.

Here she is. She’s really about to do this. She’s going on tour with Sleep Token, she’s about to meet with their management.

She found the room she was directed to and stepped inside. There were a multitude of strange faces watching as she stepped inside. Emma flashed a tight smile accompanied with a curt nod of her chin.

“Hi,” a man walked up to her. “I’m James Richards with Future History Management. RCA sent you here, correct?”

Emma nodded. “Emma Lionheart,” she said, sticking out her hand for a handshake. James shook her hand firmly. “RCA reached out to me asking me to photograph Sleep Token for their upcoming tour.”

Just then, a group of four men walked through the doors—one of which Emma recognized from the coffee shop. He seemed even taller now, somehow, compared to the varying heights in the room. He had pale blonde hair and piercing blue eyes, and he wore that same frown from earlier. 

Yeah, Emma thought to herself, definitely coffee shop guy.

“Great,” James said, “everyone’s here. Why don’t you take a seat, Emma? There’s an empty seat next to the band over there.”

Emma felt her heart drop. Next to the band? The band is here? She turns to follow James’ line of sight and finds the coffee-shop-guy sitting towards the end of the table, next to a man just an inch or so shorter, a man nearly head shorter than coffee-shop-guy, and perhaps one of the shortest men Emma had ever seen. If she could remember correctly, judging by their heights and the fact that she knows this is the band now, they were III, Vessel, IV, and II. She swallowed thickly and took up the empty seat next to III.

“Came to run into me again?” III asked in a hushed voice. Emma felt her cheeks begin to heat.

“Oh, God.” She wrinkled her nose and sighed deeply. “That was you? I’m so sorry—“

“Don’t get your knickers in a twist,” III told her. “So, you’re new?”

“Yeah, my name’s Emma,” she introduced herself. “I’m going to be your new photographer.”

“I’m Liam, the bassist, of course.” He said. Emma felt her mouth go dry. Never in her life did she think she would be sitting here, sharing a conversation with Sleep Token’s bassist. All she could think about were the few concert videos she’d seen of him, years ago. It was impossible to wrap her mind around the fact that these two are the same people. Liam went on, “and this—“ he gestured to the man sitting beside him— “is Luke, our vocalist. Alex, our guitarist. And last but not least, my favorite furby: Jude, our drummer.”

Emma giggled. “Your favorite what?”

“Oh, you’ll understand once we’re on tour,” Liam told her. He nodded towards the iced coffee sitting in front of her. “So, what kind of coffee do you usually get?”

Emma shrugged. “I like to change it up a lot, I guess. Today I got a caramel macchiato. You?”

“A regular hot coffee, no cream, just sugar,” Liam said. “Anything else is too sweet or too bitter for me. Luke, though,” Liam rolls his eyes, “ only drinks black coffee. Just, straight out of the pot.”

“He doesn’t add anything to it at all?” Emma raised her brows. “I don’t know, I just can’t get behind that.”

Liam shot a pointed look at Luke sitting beside him. “Yeah, me neither. Are you good at photography? Do you have a portfolio I can check out?”

Emma blushed. “I think I’m decent enough. I mean, you guys must think I’m good enough if I’m going on tour with you. I have a website if you want to check it out. Maybe I can send it to you?”

“No business card?” He teased. Emma chuckled awkwardly. “That’s fine. Give me your number after this is over.”

They sat in silence for the rest of the meeting while management members droned on about the new album and possible ideas for their set lists and stage decorations. Emma listened, her mind filled with racing thoughts. She was seeing the inside of the music industry, she realized. This is what some of the biggest artists in the industry do. She just… can’t believe that this is her life now.

“Right,” Luke spoke up. “So I wanted to talk about the festivals.”

 Emma felt her heart skip a beat. Somehow, his speaking voice sounds just as velvet and beautiful as it does when he’s singing.

“The theme is Arcadia and the sorts, so I was hoping to bring up the idea of stage sets. Like, a platform, with stairs and such,” Luke continued. “And Jude and I were thinking about having a proper intro.”

“A proper intro?” someone inquired.

“The intro for our last tour was good,” Jude said, “but we want a drop curtain for this one.”

“Okay,” James murmured, scribbling something down on a notepad. “We’ll have to sit down later and draw up some ideas. Maybe work on some concept drawings for us in the meantime.” He flipped his notepad closed, clicked his pen, and that seemed to be the cue for the meeting to end. Everyone rose out of their seats and Emma followed suit, picking up her coffee. So… was that it? They just wanted her to sit in on a meeting?

A woman, wearing glasses and her hair tied back into a ponytail, approached her. “Hi, I’m Madison. You’re the new photographer, correct?”

“Yeah, hi. Emma Lionheart,” Emma introduced herself.

“Nice to meet you. Here, I have some papers I need you to read over and sign off on, then we can discuss the rest.” Madison handed her a stack of papers and Emma took them, quickly scanning through them, holding back a sigh. She would be here for a while.

I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have anywhere to be today, Emma thought to herself.

“Hey, Emma,” Liam called. “Can I get that number?”

He handed her his phone and she quickly typed her number into his phone, shooting herself a quick message before handing it back. “I’ll send you my portfolio when I get done here,” she promised him.

“Thanks,” Liam told her. He looked like he wanted to say more but was stopped short by the sound of Alex calling him over. “See ya, Emma.”

Emma watched him go before turning back to the stack of papers in her hand. Madison handed her a pen and told her to fill out these papers and to hand them over when she’s done, then she could be on her way.

A few minutes later, Emma clicked the pen and handed the papers back to Madison. On her way out the door, she tossed her coffee into the bin and pulled out her phone to find a few new messages from Liam.

Hey

It was lovely meeting you today. Looking forward to seeing you on tour. I hope those pics are as good as you say they are.

Hi, sorry. Just got done signing papers. It was nice meeting you too.

I know we’ve just met but do you want to go out for drinks sometime? I’d love to get to know you better. Everyone here is like family and we’d like you to be in on it too.

Sure! I’m free whenever so just give me a time, place, and date.

You cool if the boys tag along? Luke needs to get out of the house anyway.

How about tomorrow? 8 pm @ Viktor?

Sounds good! I’ll see you there.

Emma tucked her phone away as she approached her flat, choosing to fumble with her keys instead. She was exhausted even though she’d barely done anything today. Perhaps it was just the excitement of it all wearing off. She stepped inside, making sure to close the door behind her. Emma sat down on her couch and opened up her laptop, scrolling through her emails. After a few moments, she closed her laptop and sighed.

She’s going to tour with Sleep Token now. Isn’t that just… unbelievable?

Emma patiently awaited the time she’d have to meet up with Liam and the rest of the band at the bar. She dressed herself in her usual aesthetics—t-shirt and jeans—hoping they wouldn’t disapprove of her stylistic choices. She called a cab (although she would have preferred to walk, but the bar Liam chose was a little ways away), and arrived in no time.

She made her way inside and immediately picked out Liam’s giraffe-like stature from the crowd. She found him and he took her towards a booth in the back, away from the bustle of people near the bar. Emma recognized Jude, Alex, and Luke sitting in the booth.

“Look who I’ve got!” Liam announced in a sing-song tone. “This pretty little lady will be joining us for drinks tonight.”

Luke flashed her a tight smile but said nothing. Thankfully, Alex and Jude greeted her warmly. “Nice of you to spend your night with us,” Jude said. Emma laughed.

“Thanks for having me,” she replied. She slid into the booth, wedged between Luke and Liam. She accidentally knocked elbows with the singer and felt her face flush immediately. “Sorry,” she apologized profusely.

“‘s whatever,” Luke grumbled. Emma was taken aback by his tone. Somehow, for some odd reason, he seemed much meaner than in the conference room yesterday. She just murmured another apology and turned to focus on the rest of the table instead.

“Don’t mind him,” Liam said into her ear. “He’s not very good with new people.”

“I see that,” Emma quipped. “It’s fine, I’m not bothered by it.”

“So are you looking forward to touring with us?” Alex asked, and Emma was grateful for his interjection. Emma nodded.

“Yeah! I hope it’s as exciting as everyone’s making it out to seem,” she said. “And I hope you guys will like my pictures.”

“I’m sure we’ll love them,” Jude told her. “Are you from the London area?”

“Oh, no, I’m from Holmes Chapel—Cheshire,” she added quickly when she saw their confused faces. “I’ve lived in London for a few years now though. I moved here with my best friend.”

“Oh, that's nice,” Liam said. “I’m from East London, if you couldn’t tell by the accent.”

“Oh, yeah,” Alex scoffs, “I could barely understand him when we met. It was horrible.”

Liam rolled his eyes. “He’s exaggerating, love. Wait— you can understand me, right?”

Emma laughed. “Yeah, I can.”

“I’m gonna go get a beer,” Liam announced. “Anyone want anything?”

“I’ll get my own,” Jude said. Alex followed them into the crowd and soon it was just Emma and Luke. She scooted a little ways from him, allowing him his personal space.

“So, how long have you all known each other?” she asked in an attempt to make small talk.

“For a while,” Luke said in a condescending tone, shutting down any attempt of small talk nearly immediately. Emma fought back the sigh that threatened to escape her lungs.

“That’s nice,” she said tentatively. “How long have you been doing music?”

Luke cast a sideways glance at her, and she didn’t pretend to miss the way his lips twitched up into a scowl. “Since before Sleep Token.”

Emma furrowed her brows. What is his problem? “I take it you’re not one for small talk, huh?”

“You’re just the photographer,” Luke retorted. “I don’t have to make small talk with you. I didn’t even want to come out tonight—I’m only here because they dragged me out here.”

Emma was a little taken aback by his tone. She’d been as nice as possible to him since she (sort of) met him yesterday, and this is how he treats her? She scoffed, scooting to stand up out of the booth. So much for this big dream of hers. She’d gotten excited for a whole lot of nothing, it seems.

“Are you fucking serious?” she snapped. “Is this how you treat everyone you meet? I’m surprised the others have stuck around as long as they have if this is how you treat people on the first encounter.”

Luke opened his mouth to make a quick remark but quickly snapped it shut, averting his gaze to look past her as the others returned to their booth. Alex and Jude slid into their respective spots but Liam remained standing.

“Emma, everything okay?” he asked genuinely. “You look a little heated.”

Emma huffed. She considered getting the last laugh but decided not to stir up any trouble on their first night out, so she just crossed her arms over her chest and shook her head. “I’m fine, I just…” she trailed off, thinking of an excuse to get herself out of here, “I’m not feeling the best anymore, so I’m gonna see myself out. It was nice meeting all of you.”

“Aw, okay,” Alex pouted. “Thanks for coming out, Emma. I can’t wait to have you on tour.”

Emma gave him a warm smile and said her goodbyes, flashing a sideways glance at Luke before turning on her heel and promptly leaving the bar. She hadn’t really lied to them. She really wasn’t feeling the best anymore—not as good as she had when she first went out. Luke completely ruined her mood. Why on earth does he feel the need to be such a prick when she’s done nothing to him? She remembered Liam telling her that Luke’s not very good with new people but she didn’t expect him to act like this.

She certainly didn’t think she was just “the photographer” either. Maybe she is. Emma sighed, wrapping her arms around her body as she waited for her cab. She’d gotten her hopes up for nothing, it seems. Liam, Alex, and Jude were welcoming but Luke just ruined it all for her.

Chapter Text

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“He’s a proper cunt,” Emma growled into the phone. She called Maxine as soon as she’d gotten home from the bar, telling her everything that happened. She explained how the night had been going well until it was just her and Luke, and then he just sort of snapped at her.

“He sounds like it,” Maxine sighed over the line. “This sucks ass, Emmie. I’m sorry. I know how much you were looking forward to this. Are you still going to go through with the offer?”

“Of course I am! This is an amazing opportunity, I just hate that the lead singer of one of the best bands today is— a prick!” She said angrily. “I mean, what crawled up his ass and died? I did nothing to him!”

“Just try to stay away from him until tour,” Max said. Emma let out a soft sigh.

“I suppose I can do that,” she said. “Hey, Max? The band is kind of anonymous, and I’m not sure if I’m even supposed to be talking to you about this so… Just don’t go around telling everyone they’re part of Sleep Token, yeah?”

“I would never do something like that to them.” She insisted. Emma smiled.

“Thanks Max,” she said. “Do you want to come over soon?”

“How about tonight?”

“Really? But it’s almost—“ Emma pulled her phone away from her ear to check the time— “midnight.”

“God, you still act like a teenager living under your mother’s roof,” Max chided. “Do you mind if I come over now?”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Emma said finally. “Just come in—you still have your key, right?”

Max confirmed her question with a hum. Emma said her goodbyes before hanging up and making her way into the kitchen. She went out tonight hoping for a good time and a few drinks, and while she didn’t have a particularly swell time, who’s going to stop her from having some drinks? She grabbed a bottle of wine from her fridge and a wine glass from her cabinet, and poured herself a generous amount. Her phone buzzed on the coffee table in the living room and Emma couldn’t help but let out what must be her hundredth sigh today.

She picked up her wine glass and took it into the living room with her, picking up her phone from the coffee table to see she had a new message from Liam.

Thanks again for coming out.

Sorry about Luke. He’s not very good with new people.

Emma rolled her eyes. Yeah, Luke made that trait very clear tonight. She still couldn’t get over the sting of his words from earlier. While she’s not particularly sensitive to words, she couldn’t deny that his tone was friendly. She’s not just their photographer, right? Even Liam was making a move to become somewhat friends with her.

He was kind of an ass to me tonight. He’s like this with everyone?

Yeah, sorry. I’ll ttyl x

Emma put down her phone just as she heard Max start to fumble with the door as she slid her key into the lock. She stepped inside a few moments later, kicking off her shoes.

“You have wine?” Max asked.

“Let me pour you a glass,” Emma offered. Max followed her into the kitchen and watched as she poured her drink.

“Logan’s finally moved out,” Max said suddenly. “It feels so empty now.”

Emma’s heart throbbed inside her chest. While she hadn’t had a partner in recent years, she understands exactly how it feels to decide to break up with them.

“It’s okay, we’re just taking a break,” Max added quickly. “Everything will be back to normal as soon as he decides to fix himself.”

Emma gave her a knowing look. “How do you know he’s going to get his shit together though? Did he tell you that?” Max was quiet. “Well, he loved you at some point. That’s better than not loving you at all, isn’t it?”

Max gave a half-hearted shrug. “I guess so.”

“Now, I have some nail polish in my bathroom if you want to do your nails with me,” Emma offered in an attempt to lighten the mood. Max nodded.

“Only if you’ll do mine for me,” she said.

“I am not doing your feet.”

ᯓ★

Wherever he goes, he just can't seem to escape her. She’s everywhere it seems. She’s been gone for years—she’s happy with someone else, and yet he still hasn’t found it in himself to move on. She was horrible to him. She treated him like utter shit behind closed doors, but he can’t seem to let go of what they once were.

He still remembers the moment they met: when he first played at Download Festival all those years ago. She was their photographer.

He’d caught sight of her running back and forth in front of the stage to try and capture the perfect angles, and for a split second… time slowed. He forgot all the lyrics, all the melodies, every single note. All he could think about at that moment was her. She was absolutely breathtaking.

Then he pulled her aside after the show, they started talking, and they exchanged numbers.

And that’s when his love for her began.

Sometimes he wonders if she ever loved him back. Was she just using him for the money, the fame that came with knowing him?

Luke slammed his journal shut and rose out of his seat, striding across his room to open his dresser and pick up a t-shirt that was far too small for him. He held it up in front of him, feeling tears already begin to well in his eyes.

“When are you going to get rid of that shit?” Jude said, suddenly appearing in Luke’s doorway. “It’s been years, man. Holding on to her stuff isn’t helping you.”

“How long have you been standing there?” Luke demanded.

“Long enough to know you’re still not over her.” Jude crossed his arms over his chest and pushed himself off the doorframe. “I just came to check on you. You haven’t left your room since we got home from the bar… two days ago.”

Luke wrinkled his nose. “Well, I’m fine, so you can go now.”

Jude sighed. “You don’t have to push me away all the time.”

“I’m not.”

“You are.”

“Maybe I just want to be alone!” Luke snapped.

“You’re alone all the time!” Jude snapped back. “Why don’t you go out again? Meet new people.” Luke just stared at him, the old t-shirt balled up in his fist. Jude shrugged a shoulder, on the verge of giving up on his old friend.. “Or join us in the living room.”

“Us?”

“Liam and Alex are over—Liam wanted to play Mario Kart,” Jude explained. “Just five minutes out there, and then you can go back to your… dark, angsty cave.”

Luke rolled his eyes. “Fine.”

He followed Jude out of his room, down the hall and into the living room. Liam was already settling down onto the couch while Alex set up Mario Kart for them to play. He looked up as Luke stepped into the living room, his face lighting up immediately.

“Luke! Did you want to play too?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Jude answered for him, “he does.”

“Lukas Alexander!” Liam bellowed. “How nice of you to join us!”

“Not like I wanted to,” Luke grumbled. He picked up his controllers and sat on the far side of the couch, opposite of Liam. Jude sat next to him, leaving a space in between him and Liam for Alex to sit. The game started but Luke’s mind was far from the screen in front of him.

He couldn’t stop thinking about her. No matter what he did, no matter how hard he tried to forget about her, she always shows back up again. He swallowed thickly. He fucked him up. He can’t keep doing this to himself but it’s so hard to let go. She’s like a drug, in a way. He can never get enough of her.

She’s gone, Luke reminded himself. Hell, she’s fuckin’ married. I need to let her live her life.

“Has it been five minutes yet?” he asked Jude.

“I didn’t actually mean five minutes—“

Luke blinked rapidly. “I want to leave.”

Jude set down his controller as his character rolled past the finished line, leaning down to hopefully try and catch Luke’s eye. “Are you okay?”

“I need to finalize these songs,” he said quickly, jumping to his feet and hurrying back to his room. He heard Jude call his name but he ignored it. Luke locked his door behind him.

Get your shit together, he told himself. He crossed the room to sit at his desk, flipping open his journal to resume writing his song. They’re supposed to play Rock im and Rock am Park in June, and their tour had been announced in March.

Their album releases in May, and he still has this one song to finish. Gethsemane. He’ll just hurry up and finalize the lyrics and record it in the studio before then, and all will be well. No one will have to know this song was so last minute except for Jude. Luke clicked his pen a few times before jotting down some lyrics.

No one’s gonna save me from your  my memories

Nothing to lose, but I would’ve given anything

Luke dropped his pen onto his desk. Part of the reason why he was so hesitant to finish this song was because the lyrics felt so vulnerable to him. Of course, he had other songs he could replace Gethsemane with, but the album wouldn’t feel right without it. Maybe, this way, he could finally move on. Perhaps writing out his feelings about whatever the hell happened between them will help him understand that it's over. And he wants to be vulnerable. After all, this song will never amount to the amount of pain and vulnerability he felt when writing and releasing Bloodsport—or Atlantic.

Luke jotted down a few more lyrics before closing his journal again.

In the silence of his room, he was able to hear the guys up front. They seemed happy. He was happy for them. They were never screwed over by someone they loved, not really. Not like him. He spotted his jewelry collection sitting on his dresser, beneath his TV. In the low light of his room, a ring glinted in the light.

She used to love the Twilight Saga. Luke crossed the room and picked up Bella’s engagement ring out of the ring holder.

There were so many reminders of her here—he couldn’t escape her, even if he wanted to. Luke growled, slamming the ring onto the dresser. He picked up his keys instead, slid on his shoes, and promptly left his flat. He needed some fresh air—he needed to get out of there. Everywhere he looked, she was there.

And he hates that he can't get over her. She’s married. The last time they talked, she was here to pick up her things and leave. She hasn’t reached out since. She wants nothing to do with him.

Luke found himself striding into a bar and ordering a beer. He sat in one of the barstools, watching as people interacted around him. They seemed much happier than he did and he envied them for it. But he had to understand none of it was their fault. They’re not at fault for the way he allows people to treat him, for the way he clings to memories of what once was. He took a swig of his beer.

The time was nearing 1am when Luke finally returned to his and Jude’s shared flat. He stumbled through the door—after drunkenly fumbling with the lock for a few moments—and into the kitchen. He grabbed a water bottle out of the fridge and cracked it open, gulping down half of it in seconds.

“Luke?” Jude said from the hallway. “Where were you?”

“Don’t worry about it,” he slurred. He kicked the fridge closed and turned on his heel to head back to his room.

“Have you been drinking?”

“Yeah, but I’m fine,” Luke said dismissively. Jude blocked him from brushing past him, pressing a hand against Luke’s chest and pushing him back.

“You’re not fine.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “You have a problem.”

“A problem?” Luke guffawed. “I don’t have a problem . I told you, I’m fine .”

“You’re letting yourself spiral again.”

Luke scowled. “I’m not letting myself do anything. Let me go to bed.”

This time, Jude stepped aside and let Luke return to his room. Luke locked his door behind him, barely kicking off his shoes before collapsing into bed. He rolled over onto his back and stared up at his ceiling. He couldn’t help but think Jude was right—he’s letting go of himself again. His vision grew blurry as tears welled in his eyes.

He doesn’t want to be like this.

Chapter Text

ᯓ★

Emma made sure to set her alarm for 11:45pm so she could wake up and listen to Sleep Token’s new album when it was released at midnight.

She’d heard them talk about the album here and there at the few meetings she attended in the last few months, and from what was said it sounded pretty awesome.

And although she’d been officially Sleep Token’s photographer and Liam was so adamant at becoming friends with her, she turned down most of his offers to hang out, because wherever the band was, Luke was also there.

And granted, she knows that. Of course she does—she’s not stupid. But she just can’t deal with a 30-year-old man stuck in his teenage angst era.

But, tomorrow, May 9th, she wouldn’t have a choice but to be in the same room as him. They were throwing an album release party and everyone who has a part in the band is invited—even Emma. And there’s no way she would turn down a release party— especially if she’s never been to one before.

Emma waited until the clock struck twelve, then she opened Spotify and turned on Sleep Token’s new album, Even In Arcadia. She connected her phone to her speaker and let the music consume her.

She never really listened to Sleep Token’s music before she became their photographer. Now, it’s become an integral part of her life. While the lead singer is an asshole, he still creates beautiful songs. Her favorite by far is Missing Limbs, although she can’t listen to it without crying.

Emma looked at the tracklist and paused when she saw the title “Gethsemane.” Gethsemane… like where Jesus went to pray before his arrest and betrayal? Where Jesus went to beg for reprieve?

Emma clicked on the song out of pure curiosity. She was immediately met with static, then the piano sounded. He sounded… like he was reminiscing. The lyrics were heartbreaking, Emma observed as she listened. She’d had her fair share of troublesome relationships in life but… none that ever made her feel this way. None that made her feel anywhere close to how most of Sleep Token’s songs sound.

When the song ended, Emma couldn’t help but feel… guilty for the way she thought of Luke. Knowing that he was feeling this way, it just ate her up inside that she avoided him at all costs when instead he probably needed to be surrounded by people that can help him feel better.

No, she thought, he has his band mates for that. You’re just “the photographer.”

Emma went to bed around 2am after listening to the entirety of the album. She couldn’t believe her ears, really. Even In Arcadia was one of the most beautiful albums she’d ever heard, and she had so many favorites from the album it was impossible to rank them all.

She woke up later that day around noon to what felt like a million texts from… a group chat? Since when was she in a group chat?

Liam

Jude said to wear eia colors. black, gray, white, burgundy, pink, etc.

For the ladies: gold or white gold jewelry will work

Jude

wtf?? who did u add in here

Liam

our favorite lady Emma

we’re practically best friends now

Alex

Did you ask her before adding her?

Liam

Maybe I should’ve done that before

Jude

okay wtv. meet @ kensington gardens around 6pm for the album release party 

Emma didn’t bother to respond in the group chat, but she was grateful Jude and Liam supplied her with the details. She already had a dress picked out, however. It was black, off the shoulder, and sparkled when the light hit it from the right angle.

But first, she needed to shower and do her hair and makeup. While in the shower, Emma couldn’t help but turn on Sleep Token’s new album. She’s probably listened to it a hundred times already and still can’t get enough of it.

Once out of the shower, Emma blow dried and curled her hair, then moved on to makeup. She had lined her water lines with brown in hopes to make her eyes pop which, looking at herself in the mirror, seemed to work.

She slipped into her dress and stood in front of the mirror to admire herself. The off-the shoulder look was the way to go, it seemed.

She checked the time to find it was a quarter past 5, and decided not to lollygag any further. She slipped on her heels and jewelry and cabbed herself a cab.

She arrived at the gardens just in time. It was decorated beautifully, with pink flowers almost everywhere, feathers and swords here and there, and a black flamingo to guard the entrance. Emma spotted Liam almost immediately (how could she not when he’s so tall?) and made her way over to him.

“This place looks amazing!” she said as she approached. Liam turned to face her, looking her over.

“Wow, Emma, you look amazing,” he commented. “You and Alex sort of match.”

Emma cocked a brow. “What do you mean?”

Liam turned to gesture to Alex, who was standing a few yards away, talking indistinctly with a group of women who Emma recognized as the Espera. “His suit sparkles like your dress.”

Emma giggled. “So, where can I get a drink?”

Liam offered her his arm and she wrapped her arm around it, letting him lead her to where the drinks were being made. Emma thanked him, offering to buy him a drink, but he declined.

“Where are Jude and Luke? Isn’t this to celebrate their album?” she asked when she noticed she couldn’t find them anywhere.

“Jude texted saying they would be a bit late,” Liam explained. “I’m not supposed to say anything but… Luke’s going through a hard time right now, so it’s kind of hard to get him out of bed.”

“Shit…” Emma murmured, feeling her heart throb in her chest. “I had no idea.”

“No one really does.” Liam shrugged, looking around the garden. “He doesn’t really want anyone knowing anything about his personal life. But, don’t let that ruin the party for you! You came for a good time, didn’t you?”

Emma smiled. “Yeah, I did. How long have you been doing music?”

“ Doing music?” Liam chuckled. “My whole life, pretty much. Not as long as Luke though. It was like he came out of the womb playing the piano.”

“What?” Emma laughed. “So he’s been doing this for a long time?”

“Oh yeah. Which is why he’s fucking incredible, by the way.” Liam nudged her shoulder with his elbow. When Emma looked up at him, he nodded towards the entrance, where Jude and Luke were now walking through. “Speak of the Devil.”

Emma couldn’t hold back the sigh that left her. “I’m just going to stay on this side of the garden then.”

“What is it with you two?” Liam asked pointedly. “You two seem to avoid each other like the plague—and you barely know each other.”

Emma looked down at the flowers beside her feet. “I don’t know. That night at the bar, I tried to make small talk with him but he said he didn’t have to do anything with me because I’m just the photographer.”

She looked up at Liam just in time to see some sort of unreadable expression flash across his face. “Don’t take it to heart,” Liam said after a few heartbeats. “I told you he’s going through a hard time. And, also, he’s just not the best with new people.”

Emma rolled her eyes. “I can see that.” She looked down at her drink and saw that she’s finished it already. “I’m going to get another drink. Do you want to come with?”

“Nah, I’ll see you around. I’m gonna go catch up with some friends.” Liam flashed her a warm smile before turning in his heel and strutting away. Emma watched him go before making her way back to the bar. There were a lot of people here, mostly management, so she was relieved to find the bar wasn’t crowded at all.

“How can I help you?” the bartender asked.

“Can I get vodka with a splash of cranberry? Very light,” she asked.

“Make that two,” a familiar voice said. She turned to find Luke standing behind her and she couldn’t help the frown that tugged at her lips. She made way to hand her card to the bartender but he beat her to it.

“I could’ve paid for that myself,” she muttered.

Luke said nothing, he just shoved his hands into his pockets. Emma took the chance to look him up down: he was wearing a dark green suit with a pink boutonnière on the left lapel. She had to admit he looked rather handsome, but so did every man here, so he didn’t particularly stand out to her. His eyes met hers and it was then she realized just how blue they really are. He cocked a brow.

“Do you stare at everyone like this?” he asked rather rudely.

Emma wrinkled her nose. “Do you treat everyone like the scum of the earth, or is it just me?” she snapped at him. Luke pushed past her to grab his drink. He said nothing in response to her question and promptly walked off.

Emma grabbed her own drink and chose to walk around the garden to (hopefully) get her mind off of whatever the hell just happened. The first interaction she has with him in months and that’s how he treats her? She began to seriously reconsider the offer she’d been made to photograph the band. She was overly excited for it at first—the offer was huge, after all—but after these few interactions with Luke she didn’t know if she could handle being around him for months on end. She tried to be nice but he made it impossible. It’s like he wanted her to get angry.

She couldn’t help but think about how his fans would react if they knew this is how he acted off-stage. He seemed so kind and upbeat on stage… how could he just flip a switch like this? She understands that he may be going through a difficult time right now but that is no excuse to take it out on her.

“You okay?” Alex’s voice cut through her thoughts suddenly. Emma blinked at him. “You looked really deep into thought just now.”

Emma shook her head as if to clear her thoughts. “Oh, yeah, I’m fine. I was just thinking. Sorry.”

“You’re good,” Alex chuckled. He clapped her shoulder. “How’ve you been lately? I haven’t talked to you in a few months.”

“Oh, I’ve been doing fine,” Emma said as she took a sip of her drink. “And you?”

“Ah, you know, it’s been whatever.”

“Uh, is Luke okay?” She asked suddenly. “I was just over at the bar with him and he was sort of… mean to me.”

Alex huffed. “Yeah, I can talk to him about that for you, if you want. Liam mentioned him being a bit of a prick to you a while ago too. I’m not sure what’s up with that, really. I’m sorry Emma.”

“No, it’s okay.” She waved her hand dismissively. “You don’t have to talk to him about it. I just wanted to know if it was because of something I did.”

Alex gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “You didn’t do anything.”

“Hey, has Liam pointed out to you yet that we’re matching?” Emma changed the subject quickly. Alex looked her over, then looked down at his own suit. He chuckled.

“Oh, I didn’t notice that.”

Emma opened her mouth to say something more but was stopped short by Liam draping his arm around her shoulders and saying, “hey, did you guys see the ice sculpture?”

“An ice sculpture?” Alex echoed.

“Yeah, apparently Jude’s the one who requested it,” Liam explained. “It’s a flamingo, pretty cool. Say, Emma, are you enjoying yourself? I saw you and Luke over at the bar. You two get along pretty well?”

Emma shot him a knowing look. “Sure, if getting my head bit off counts as getting along.”

“Ah, don’t sweat it! You two will get along soon enough.” He gave her shoulder a squeeze. “There’s a backdrop here if you want to take some photos.”

“Why not?” She exclaimed. The three of them found their way to the backdrop and posed in front of the background, which consisted of the Feathered Host and House Veridian symbols, with a hidden flamingo within the symbol. Sometime in between pictures, Alex managed to get Jude to join them.

“Luke!” Liam called as the singer walked behind the camera. “Come join us!”

“I’m good—“

“Come on,” Jude urged him. “Just one picture and then you can go.” Luke obliged him after a moment of hesitation. Liam let go of Emma and stepped aside to create a space for him to join them. Emma’s eyes widened as Luke stepped in beside her and reached behind her to hover his hand behind her back.

The camera flashed and the photographer looked at the picture before clicking his tongue and shaking his head. He looked up and pointed at Emma and Luke.

“Come on, you two! Show each other some love!” he teased. Emma felt her face heat in embarrassment. “Come on, pretend you like each other for just one picture.”

Luke grumbled something to Alex beside him but pulled her closer to him anyway. Emma did the same, putting her hand on his back and leaning into him for the picture.

“Beautiful!” The photographer flashed them a thumbs up before ducking behind his camera to capture the picture. After the flash, Luke immediately pulled away from her and shoved his hands into his pockets.

“Alright, I’m done here,” he muttered. Emma caught the disappointment on Jude’s face but the drummer said nothing, letting Luke walk off. The group followed suit and dispersed.

“Can you send me the pictures?” Emma asked the photographer. They exchanged details and she thanked him before leaving to find the bar again.

“That wasn’t so bad, yeah?” Liam asked when he caught up to her.

“Yeah, the one time he was even remotely nice to me was for a damn picture,” Emma hissed. “I don’t know if I want to keep doing this if this is how he’s going to treat me every time we’re in the same setting.”

“What?” Liam stopped walking. “You can’t quit now.”

“Why not? He obviously doesn’t want me here,” she pointed out. “It’s his band. He can go to management anytime he wants and get rid of me.”

He struggled to find his words. “Well— there must be a reason why he hasn’t done that yet, right?”

“You don’t have to keep trying to be nice about it. Just admit he hates me.”

“Oh, I doubt he hates you. He just needs time to warm up to you.”

Emma sighed deeply. “How long? Until tour ends and he never has to see me after that? That sounds great! I’m just going to spend every day for two months with someone who hates my fucking guts! That sounds like so much fun.”

Liam frowned. “Emma, calm down.”

“That’s kind of hard when he literally hates me!”

“He doesn’t hate you,” he insisted.

Emma pinched the bridge of her nose. “How many times are you going to tell me that?”

Liam shrugged. Emma copied his gesture and turned on her heels to reach the bar. She ordered another vodka with a splash of cranberry, thankful no one was here to antagonize her like last time. She sat down at the bar, fumbling with the rings on her fingers.

“Where’s that ring from? I swear I’ve seen it somewhere before,” Liam asked.

Emma lifted her hand to flash him her ring. “This one? It’s a replica of Bella’s engagement ring, from the Twilight Saga.”

“Do you like Twilight?”

“Oh, yes! I love the movies so much. They’re so bad but they’re also so good,” she said quickly. She had to watch herself, or else she would never stop talking about the movies. A grin tugged at Liam’s features.

“You know, you and Luke have that in common,” he pointed out. Emma scoffed. “He has a replica of Bella’s engagement ring too.”

“That’s good for him,” Emma grumbled. “He’s probably going to bite my head off about that too.”

Liam placed his hand over hers and craned his neck in an attempt to catch her eye. Emma reluctantly met his gaze. “He’s going through a hard time,” Liam reminded her.

“So I’ve been told.”

“Please don’t be too rash with him. He’s trying his best to just— be a human right now. He’ll warm up to you eventually.” Liam gave her hand a squeeze before standing up and walking off. Emma watched him go, her mind filled with a multitude of thoughts now. She knew Luke was going through something just from what his band mates have mentioned before, but she didn’t think it was that bad. She took a sip of her drink, swallowing thickly.

God, she feels like such an asshole now—even if she’s tried her best to keep her patience with him.

ᯓ★

He stood at the water’s edge, staring down at his reflection. This party was all too much for him. Too many people trying to make small talk. Too much music. Too many decorations. His patience was beginning to grow short. He just wanted to go home. He can’t handle this.

“You doing okay?” Jude asked carefully. Luke looked over at his friend and gave a noncommittal shrug.

“Fine,” he replied.

“Emma’s thinking about backing out of being our photographer,” Jude said suddenly. Luke cocked a brow.

“Good for her.” Luke kicked a stray pebble into the water. Jude scoffed.

“Don’t you care? At all?”

“I hardly know her enough to care,” he snapped. “Let her leave, we can find another in time for tour.”

Jude grabbed ahold of Luke’s arm. “She’s thinking of leaving because of you, because you’ve been such a dickhead to her lately.”

Luke snatched his arm away from him. “Have you seen her ring?” he spoke in a  

harsh whisper. “Have you seen how she looks? The things she wears?” Jude just stared up at him. “Everything she does or wears or talks about reminds me of her. I can’t look at Emma without thinking about the woman that fucking used me and manipulated me for years on end, so excuse me for being a little upset! Or am I not allowed to have feelings anymore?”

Jude’s eyes widened. “Luke, I didn’t mean—“

“It’s whatever,” he cut him off. “I’ve been trying to keep my distance from her but she’s seemingly everywhere. Just like she is.”

“I didn’t know.”

“Yeah, well no one ever stops to think about how their actions will affect the people around them, so I didn’t expect you to.”

Jude gave him a pat on his back before he walked off, leaving Luke all by his lonesome once more. Luke sloshed the ice cubes in his drink around, watching as they clinked against the glass. He needed to get out of here. He couldn’t be here anymore. He can’t stand seeing her everywhere.

But he can’t go back home. He’ll see reminders of her wherever he looks there too. Luke looked up and across the garden to the bar, where Emma sat in one of the barstools. It was as though his feet had a mind of his own, and he found himself approaching her at the bar. He came to sit in the barstool next to her, his eyes scanning the frown contorting her expression.

“Sorry,” he muttered. “I suppose I’ve been a bit of a prick to you.”

Emma’s face fell. “What?”

He furrowed his brows. “Why are you looking at me like I’ve three heads? I said sorry.”

She shook her head. “Well, it was nice until you got that attitude again.”

“I’m not good with new people,” he tried to reason, “so I’m trying here.” He sloshed his ice cubes around in his glass once more.

“So I’ve been told.” She sounded reserved but he couldn’t quite blame her. He has been a proper cunt lately. He shoved his hands into his pockets again, thankful he’s able to hide the way they shook. He cleared his throat.

“Don’t— uh, leave,” he said awkwardly. “Jude told me you’re thinking of leaving… because of me.”

Emma shot him a sideways glance. “Yeah, I wonder why.”

“I want you here,” he forced himself to say. The truth is, he can’t stand looking at her. He’s violently reminded of her every time he looks at Emma. God, he feels like he’s about to puke just looking at her ring.

“What?” Emma asked dumbly. Luke just gave her a tight smile, swallowing down the rising bile in his throat. He gave her a curt nod before hopping off the barstool and striding off. He barely made it out of earshot of her before he keeled over and puked in the bushes.

How the fuck is he supposed to go on tour with her when this is what she does to him?

Chapter Text

ᯓ★

Emma must admit she had a few too many drinks last night. She came home and barely got her shoes off before collapsing onto the couch, already feeling disgusting. She reached for her phone but it was too out of reach in her position, so she just turned over onto her side and closed her eyes.

When she woke the next morning, her head throbbed painfully. She sat up and reached for her phone, reading the time as half past nine. She groaned and forced herself up off her couch. She made herself a mug of coffee and two pieces of toast in hopes of suppressing her hangover by just a little bit. Her phone buzzed but she ignored it. Then it buzzed again. And again. And again.

Emma

js want him to lkke me

he talked to me tn

still a bitv of a pricj

fuck luke

Liam

Good morning Emma

What does this mean? x

You must have been drunk

And we will not be fucking Luke xx

Emma slapped her hand over her mouth when she read his last message. That’s something she never wanted to partake in.

NOT what I meant omg

Sorry I had too much to drink last night.

No worries. Happens to the best of us

So you made some headway with Luke?

If that’s what you even want to call it

He apologized for being so rude to me

Seemed kind of forced though

He’s genuine

He’s trying

Emma rolled her eyes at his last messages. Yeah, if by being genuine he means Luke forcing himself to say sorry just because she’s thinking about backing out. He probably only told her that to try and save himself from going through the trouble of finding another photographer.

Then she remembered the album—all the songs and lyrics. Gethsemane. Obviously he was going through some sort of break or something, judging by the lyrics. Emma knows breakups aren’t easy but they’re definitely no excuse to take your anger out on other people.

She ate her toast and finished her coffee, going over in her mind what she had to do today… which was absolutely nothing. She looked around her kitchenette—all the counters were clean and the dishes were done. She knows her living room is picked up, as well as her sunroom. After being home for so long, she’s had time to go through all her clothes and get her laundry done so she can cross that off her list. Not that she even had anything on her to-do list in the first place. She thought about messaging any of her friends to see if they were free but she knew most of her closest friends had real jobs, so the odds that they’re free today are slim.

And she couldn’t ask any of the guys. They’re probably slammed with work, getting ready for their upcoming festivals and their upcoming tour. There’s no way they’d be free today.

She could always go for a run. Maybe hit up the gym.

ᯓ★

Luke sat in front of his old Yamaha in the living room, fingers hovering over the first few notes of the song. He inhaled deeply and began playing.

The notes came to him naturally, like second nature. They filled his brain and coursed through his veins. In a way, it felt like he was born to create music. He could have never become famous and would still continue creating music for his own enjoyment. It’s therapeutic, always. It’s one of the ways he can escape his own mind.

He saw Jude walk into the living room out of the corner of his eye but didn’t pay him much mind. He’s just here for the music, too.

Luke can remember the day he met Jude all those years ago. Jude was playing a gig in a pub with his old band and Luke was instantly mesmerized by the way he played. Even so long ago, when he was still learning, the way Jude played encapsulated. It was so magical, so incredible. Luke pulled him aside afterwards and asked for his credentials. They started talking after that, and the rest is history.

No matter what, Jude’s always been there for Luke. Even during some of the worst times in his life, Jude’s always been by his side. And for that he’s forever grateful to have him.

Luke stopped playing.

“Is that a new song?” Jude asked curiously. Luke shook his head.

“Improv,” he answered simply.

“It sounded good,” Jude told him. “We have rehearsal tomorrow, don’t forget.”

Luke shot him a look. “I’m not stupid.”

Jude raised his hands defensively. “I never said you were,” he said with a grin. “Oh, by the way, thanks for tolerating everyone last night. I know it was bothering you.”

Luke shook his head. “‘s whatever. That’s part of being in a band, I guess.”

Jude’s phone buzzed in his pocket and Luke watched as he picked it up and read the notification. His brows rose but the rest of his face stayed neutral. He must have felt Luke watching him because he looked up at him and said, “Liam just texted saying he wants to go out with Emma again tonight.”

“All of us?”

“Yes. You need to get out of the house. It’ll be good for you.”

“How do you know what’s good for me?”

“I certainly know hiding in your room all day isn’t good for you, so I’m just taking a wild guess here,” Jude spat, his words dripping with sarcasm. “I’m not asking you, I’m telling you. I can’t stand seeing you like this.”

“Whatever,” Luke muttered. He returned his focus back to the keyboard in front of him and began to play. This time, he played a song he knew very well—one he’s heard and played countless times before. Possibility by Lykke Li. For the longest time he couldn’t bring himself to even think of this song after she left him.

No, he hissed. I left her.

My suffering is my own fault.

He slammed his fist down on the keys out of frustration, ruining the song. God, he needs to get far away from here. He doesn’t want to feel like this anymore. He’s so tired of it all.

He took a deep breath and started the song over again.

Luke dreaded every moment leading up to dinner tonight. He really didn’t want to go out tonight, but he agreed just to please Jude.

He didn’t want to see her. He didn’t want to have to look at her and be violently reminded every second of the night of what once was. He didn’t want to have to relive those years he gave up to be with her.

Looking at her made him physically ill. This was proven true after last night's encounter—he attempted to apologize to her for his rash behavior but the interaction was cut short by the rising bile in his throat. Luke can feel it now, like a lump in his throat, and he feared the moment where he would inevitably keel over and puke just from looking at her.

Not that she’s ugly or anything of the sort. She’s actually an average looking woman, but her dark brown hair and shining blue eyes reminded him so fucking much of her . Of course, they had their differences. Emma has freckles, where she didn’t. Emma is shorter, much kinder. But they both like the same things. They both have the same occupation.

He thought he was doing fine, he thought he was finally getting better after so long, but seeing her in that conference room all those months ago just sent him into a spiral again. And it seemed that everywhere he went, Emma was always there. Which meant she was there too. 

“Hello? Earth to Luke?” Liam interrupted his train of thought. Luke blinked at him. “You were starin’ off into space, mate. Got a little worried there.”

“Sorry,” Luke mumbled.

He hadn't even realized they made it to the restaurant, that’s how deep into thought he was. He followed his band mates inside and through the diner to a table on the patio. String lights hung from the ceiling and wrapped around the pillars, plants were slotted in the corners of the patio, and Luke was secretly grateful there weren’t many people out here tonight. Their waitress led them to a large table and set their menus down, saying she would be back momentarily to take their drink orders.

Not even a few moments later, Emma was striding through the door. For some reason, it felt as though his body couldn’t differentiate being held at gunpoint and seeing a woman. His heart pounded against his ribs as she neared them. His mouth began salivating more than usual and he knew he was going to puke.

“Dude, you look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Jude observed.

“‘m fine,” Luke said between clenched teeth. Emma sat opposite of him, next to Alex. She cast a brief glance over at him before looking away. The waitress returned and Luke was grateful for the intervention, but it didn’t last for long.

“I know you’re a photographer,” Jude began, “but what exactly do you do? Like what types of photo shoots?”

“Oh, well I do a little bit of everything,” she explained. “I do weddings, boudoir photos, I’ve even shot some promotional pictures for some smaller brands. I actually went on tour with Spiritbox recently, so I’m starting to get into concert photography.”

“Spiritbox?” Alex raised his brows. “How was that? I heard they’re pretty good.”

“It was amazing. I would love to go on tour with them again. I could drone on about it forever but I’m not so sure you guys would want to hear that.”

The waitress returned with their drinks and handed them out accordingly. Luke occupied himself with watching the condensation run down his glass.

“Wait, what the hell are boudoir photos?” Liam asked. Luke didn’t miss the way Emma’s face flushed pink and she ducked her head shyly.

“They’re kind of… intimate, and sensual photos, I suppose,” she said awkwardly. “It often involves lingerie. Sometimes people choose to do them… nude.”

Liam nearly spit out his drink. Luke wrinkled his nose, flashing him a sideways glance. “What?” Liam gasped. He nudged Luke with his elbow, a mischievous grin spreading across his face. “Would you be interested in a boudoir shoot with me?”

Luke was repulsed. “Absolutely fucking not.”

Liam rolled his eyes and scoffed. “He’ll come around.”

The waitress returned to take their orders and Luke was grateful for the distraction. She brought their food no later than 20 minutes later. Their dinner was filled with bouts of small talk here and there, and he was beyond grateful no one tried to ask him anything, or else he really would puke.

“Will we be splitting the check?” the waitress asked.

“We all want our separate checks,” Alex said.

“Alright, I’ll be back momentarily.” She turned on her heel and disappeared back inside. Luke looked up across the table and met Emma’s gaze. Her brows were furrowed but she looked more uncomfortable than anything. She looked like she felt just as uncomfortable as him and he couldn’t help but feel a twinge of sympathy for her. Luke quickly looked away, clearing his throat.

“I’ll be right back. Going to the loo,” he added before he left. 

ᯓ★

The waitress returned with their checks and handed them out, but Emma never got hers. So as the group was walking out, she stopped by at the side station to speak to their waitress.

“Hey, I never got my check, and I wanted to ask what happened with that?” Emma asked as politely as possible.

The waitress looked up at her. “Were you with the party outside?” Emma nodded. “Oh, don’t worry, the gentleman sitting across from you paid for yours.”

“What?” Emma followed the waitress’ gaze and caught Luke slipping out the door. Her heart skipped a beat. “Oh, okay. Thank you.”

“No problem.” The waitress smiled. “Your boyfriend doesn’t let you pay often, huh?”

Emma was taken aback by this. “What? Oh, no, we’re just— we’re not together.”

“Oh, my apologies,” the waitress said. She ripped a receipt out of the printer and ducked past Emma. Emma took a steadying breath before joining the others outside.

“Everything okay, Emma?” Jude asked politely.

“Oh, yeah,” she waved her hand dismissively, “sorry to keep you waiting.”

She noticed Luke standing a little ways off and excused herself to go talk to him. She noticed the way his Adam’s apple bobbed as she approached and he began looking everywhere but at her. “Why’d you do that?” she asked pointedly. “I could have paid for my food myself.”

Luke shoved his hands into his pockets—a trademark move of his, Emma’s come to notice. “Am I not allowed to try and be nice? Has that ship already sailed?” He snapped. “I won’t do anything nice anymore if it bothers you so fucking much.”

“What the hell is your problem?” Emma sneered. “All I was asking is why you did that. You don’t have to act like such a bitch to me all the time. I’ve been trying to be nice to you since we met but you make it so fucking difficult.”

“Maybe I don’t want anything to do with you,” Luke growled. “Have you ever thought about someone else other than yourself for a fucking second?”

“What the hell?”

Luke just pushed past her and stalked down the street, not even bothering to look back. Emma didn’t even bother to watch him go either and turned to walk off in the other direction. She heard the others calling their names but she didn’t give a damn. That single interaction just set her mood for the tour, it seems.

Fine, I don’t want anything to do with him either then, she hissed silently.

Chapter Text

ᯓ★

“Must I remind you that you’re well into your twenties, and you’re still having petty arguments with men?” Max chided Emma.

“It’s worse for him because he’s in his thirties,” Emma tried to reason.

“He did something nice for you and you started arguing with him,” Max sighed. Emma scowled, opening her mouth to retort but Max cut her off. “Don’t you know how hard it is to find men who’ll pay for food on the first date? And this wasn’t even a date!”

“You don’t understand. He’ll be fine one second and the next he’s blowing up in my face. I’ve tried to be nice to him but it’s getting to the point where it feels like I’m walking on eggshells around him.”

“Have you tried talking to him about it?” Max raised her brow, taking a long, slow sip of her coffee. Emma bit her lip.

“I mean, no…”

“Why don’t you do that then?”

Emma shook her head. “Did you not just hear what I told you? It’s like he can’t even make up his mind about how he wants to treat me.”

“Why don’t you stay away from him then?” Max suggested.

“Stay away from him… during a group hang out?” Emma threw her hands up into the air. “Oh, yeah! Why haven’t I thought of that? Great idea!”

Max rolled her eyes. “Don’t give me that. Do you have any upcoming plans with the band?”

“They play Rock im Park and Download Festival in June, then we have tour starting September 16th, but other than that, not really.”

“Oh, there you go! Problem solved. Don’t interact with the band between shows.”

Emma let out an exasperated sigh and rose out of her seat, dumping the rest of her coffee down the sink. “I can believe he paid for my dinner. That was kind of… nice of him to do.”

“Maybe he thinks you’re cute,” Max teased. It was Emma’s turn to roll her eyes. “I think you guys are going in the right direction if he kinda apologized and paid for your dinner.”

Emma’s phone buzzed. It seemed to always go off these days, ever since getting Liam’s number after the conference meeting so long ago. She took it out of her back pocket to see she had a message from the one and only Liam, asking her if she was up to go over to his house later. He also added that the rest of the band would be there so it wouldn’t be weird. Emma slowly looked up from her phone to meet Max’s gaze.

“Liam just asked me to go over,” she explained, “and everyone else will be there too.”

“Maybe Liam has a crush on you,” Max giggled. Emma wrinkled her nose.

“God, I hope not! I only see him as a friend.”

“You should go.”

“What?” Emma asked dumbly.

“Go,” Max urged, “but actually be nice to Luke. You said yourself that he’s going through a hard time.”

“I have been nice,” Emma insisted. Max looked unamused.

“Arguing with him is not being nice. Go, try to make small talk, and if he’s rude don’t interact with him for the rest of the night.”

It certainly didn’t take much convincing for her. Emma wanted to be involved with the band, she really did. That’s part of the reason why she hasn’t argued more with Max on this subject. “Okay, fine.”

She pulled out her phone and shot Liam a quick text saying she’d go. He texted her back with his address, saying she can come over anytime.

To be fair, Emma had misjudged how much fun she’d be having. She was pleased to find Liam had a very roomy flat. As soon as she arrived, she’d been pulled into playing video games with them, but of course Luke didn’t partake in any activities. Instead, he stayed on the opposite side of the living room, where Liam kept his guitars. Luke had one slung around his shoulders, headphones plugged in. His brows were furrowed and he looked deep in concentration, going back and forth between the guitar and the journal he’d brought along. Emma caught herself watching him a few times, wondering what the hell he could possibly be up to.

“What’s he doing?” She leaned over to ask Jude.

“Who? Luke?” She nodded. “Oh, he’s trying to write the instrumentals for an old song. Shelter, are you familiar with it?”

“I think I’ve heard it before.”

“Yeah, he’s only played it once, on piano, so he wants to write actual instrumentals for it.”

Emma cocked her head to the side. “Does he always choose to work during his free time?”

“Free time?” Jude laughed. “I don’t think he knows what that is.”

“So I take that as a yes.” Emma continued to watch him for a few moments before returning her attention back to playing video games with the others. She complet

he forgot about Luke on the opposite side of the living room until she heard a few familiar notes and her head snapped in his direction. She recognized the song he was playing on the guitar, she knew it very well. Roslyn. 

“Does he like Twilight too?” Emma asked Jude.

“You like Twilight?” he asked her. Emma nodded.

“I love it,” she corrected. She didn’t miss the knowing look Jude and Alex shared. Liam was too focused on playing on his phone to notice.

“Yeah, he does,” Jude answered her question finally. “He has Bella’s engagement ring too.”

“I think Liam mentioned that before.” Emma didn’t take her eyes off of Luke, watching closely as he played. He didn’t mess up a single time. He looked like perfection, but then again he always did. Emma couldn’t deny that. He’s still an asshole, however. He finished the song and took off the guitar and his headphones, putting them back in their respective spots and flipping his journal closed. She thought he was finished over there but Luke proceeded to pick up an 8-string guitar and sat down on the floor with it. He plucked a string and turned a tuning peg, then plucked the sting again, and proceeded to repeat this process over and over again until the guitar was tuned to his liking.

“Is he seriously tuning a guitar right now?” Emma asked incredulously.

Alex nodded. “You seriously underestimate how much he loves music.”

“Doesn’t he want to take a break? Come sit over here with us?” she asked, staring at him from across the room.

“He does stuff like this every time he’s over,” Liam offered with a shrug. “It’s way worse when he’s actually working on new songs.”

Emma hummed thoughtfully. She continued to watch him until she felt Liam nudge her in the hip with his foot. “Why don’t you go over there? Try to get along finally?”

“You think so?” She asked him nervously. Liam nodded. Obviously she didn’t need much convincing because she set her controller down on the coffee table in front of her and crossed the room to where he was sitting. He looked up at her briefly before returning his attention to the guitar in his lap.

“Are you just going to stand there?” he asked rather harshly after a few moments.

“You mind if I sit?” Emma asked tentatively. He just gestured to the empty space beside him and she took this as her invitation to sit. She noticed the way he chewed on his bottom lip as he worked—he was obviously deep in concentration.

“So, how long exactly have you been doing music?” Emma asked carefully. She remembered she asked him this question a while ago and he gave her a half-assed response.

“A while,” he grumbled. Emma fought the urge to roll her eyes.

“How long is “a while,” exactly?” she tried. Luke cocked a brow.

“Since I was competent enough to bash the keys on my toy keyboard,” he said quickly.

She wrung her fingers in her hands. “Well, what instruments can you play?”

“Everything but the drums.”

They sat in silence while Emma tried to figure out what else to say. He seemed to shut down any of her attempts to make conversation so easily, it was almost impossible to keep her patience with him. She remembered the song he played earlier, and how he has Bella’s engagement ring. Maybe she could talk to him about Twilight.

“That song you played earlier—Roslyn—it was amazing. Well, you were amazing,” she added at the end.

“Yeah,” he grunted.

“Do you like Twilight? Have you ever seen the movies?”

“Yeah, a lot.” He said.

Emma furrowed her brows. “Why do you keep shutting down all my attempts to talk to you? What have I done to make you hate me so much?”

Luke looked up at her and for a split-second, Emma could have sworn his expression softened. Just momentarily. Just enough to make her feel crazy. Then he looked back down at his guitar. “I don’t mean to.”

“Really? Cause it kind of feels like you do.”

He sighed deeply. “I don’t know what it is you want from me.”

“I want you to treat me like a human being, for starters. You’re so much nicer to everyone else, but when I come around your mood flips like a switch. Why? Why is that?”

He opened ii’s mouth to speak but quickly snapped it shut. He shook his head, like he didn’t quite know what to say. Emma allowed herself to huff angrily this time. She was about to get up and leave when he spoke up,

“Sorry,” he said. And he sounded genuine this time. Not forced, like back at the release party. Emma sat back down on the floor next to him. “I’ve just… not been in the best headspace recently.”

“I know, your friends have told me,” she told him. “I can understand that, I just can’t understand why you’ve decided to take it out on me.”

He swallowed thickly. “I’ve been surrounded by music my whole life. I started taking it seriously around seven or eight years old.”

Emma was a little shocked by this. She hadn’t expected him to sort of… give in like this, but she wasn’t complaining about it either. Maybe, hopefully, she could make some headway with him.

“Were you ever inspired by anyone to get into music?”

He looked thoughtful for a moment. “My mum, she was a music teacher. And, uh, yeah, I used to like the Twilight movies.”

Emma cocked a brow, “Used to?”

He shook his head. “Watched them so much I got tired of them.”

“Oh, yeah,” Emma chuckled awkwardly, “I can get that. I don’t think I could ever get tired of them. They’re so bad but they’re so good, you know?”

Luke nodded along as she spoke. He looked up from the guitar stock in his lap and met her eyes, which made Emma forget what she was about to say. He looked… guilty, oddly enough. “I’m sorry… for being a dick to you. Fuck, I’m just— fuck.”

“You’ve apologized… and you’re sitting here having an actual conversation with me instead of biting my head off so…” She shrugged. “It’s okay.”

He swallowed hard, like he was swallowing down a lump in his throat. He blinked rapidly, and Emma couldn’t help but feel her own twinge of guilt. “Why’d you pay for my dinner the other day?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know.”

He finished tuning his guitar, running his fingers along the strings. Then he rose to his feet and set the guitar back in its stand. His phone buzzed on the amp and his screen lit up to reveal a picture of him and a woman, with pale skin and brunette hair. They looked happy— Luke looked happy. It looked good on him, she had to admit. In the picture, Luke had his arm slung around her shoulders and his nose nuzzled against her cheek.

Emma’s eyes widened. “Oh, is that—?”

Luke quickly picked up his phone. “She’s no one.”

“I didn’t mean to—“

“Forget it,” Luke snapped. “This was a mistake.”

He stormed out of Liam’s flat without another word. Emma rose to her feet, running her hand through her hair. “Was it something I did?”

Jude was on his feet in an instant, already on his way to follow Luke out the door but Alex stopped him short. Liam paused the game and joined the rest of the band on their feet. He rubbed the nape of his neck, chewing on his bottom lip.

“Maybe he’s just going back to his flat—“ Liam tried to say but Jude cut him off.

“No, he’s probably gonna find himself in another bar,” Jude growled. He pinched the bridge of his nose, shook his head frustratedly. “He came back the other night piss drunk. Have you forgotten he’s a recovering alcoholic? After that night, all the progress he’s made to get better was just completely thrown out the window!”

It was as though the atmosphere in the room suddenly shifted. Now there was an uncomfortable weight upon them now, it seemed. Emma looked between them, trying to make sense of whatever the hell just happened. The woman on his phone—was that an ex of some sort, someone he’s not completely over yet? Her heart throbbed in her chest. She knew that feeling all too well. She knew what it felt like to have a broken heart, to be in a dark place after a break up. God, Luke must have loved her if this is what he’s become after her.

Oh God, Emma realized, is she who Gethsemane is about?

Jude slipped on his shoes and grabbed his keys. “I’ve got to go,” he said before he walked out the front door. Emma wrapped her arms around herself—she couldn’t help but feel like part of this was her fault.

“Shit, I’m sorry. I asked him about his background—“

Liam clapped her shoulder, offering her a somewhat reassuring smile. “It’s not your fault at all. He’s been struggling long before you came around.”

“Maybe I should go, keep my distance, yeah? He obviously doesn’t like me and no matter how hard I try, I just don’t think he’s going to warm up to me anytime soon.”

Liam clicked his tongue. “Emma don’t be like that—“

“No, I’ll— I’ll see you at Rock im.” Emma brushed Liam’s hand off of her and slipped on her own shoes. She cast one last glance back at them before hurrying out the door.

The entire way back to her flat, Emma couldn’t stop thinking about Luke. Everything she’s learned about him is so drastically different from the persona he presents himself as on stage. On stage, he’s so lively, and sure he lets his emotions get the best of him on stage and he inadvertently breaks down, but Vessel is nothing like who Luke is. Luke is… withdrawn, standoffish. Definitely a dickhead. It’s jarring to realize how much of a stark contrast Luke and Vessel are from each other, but Emma can understand that it’s all a performance. Vessel is a character, after all. A front to hide what’s really underneath the mask: just an ordinary man who's struggling so much right now.

After all, Emma’s not sure the world would like Sleep Token as much if they knew who he really was: not some ripped, hot and mysterious musician, but someone who struggles with more than what he leads you to believe. And of course, he writes vulnerable songs that act as gateways into just a fraction of his mind he allows the rest of the world to see, but that’s really all they know about him. They don’t know what he does behind closed doors. They don’t know how he struggles, with himself and his mind. They don’t know how much he’s missing someone right now.

And Emma didn’t really know that either. She’s been told by the other guys that he doesn’t do well with new people, and that he’s going through a hard time, but she couldn’t have imagined it was like this. 

He seems so sensitive, his emotions so fragile. It really is like walking on eggshells around him. She can’t even fathom what the mask must do for him, what type of newfound confidence hiding behind it must bring for him to be able to go from someone like Luke to someone so drastically opposite as Vessel.

And she felt a sort of heavy guilt weighing her down—guilt that she didn’t know just how much he was hurting. Of course, she knew it wasn’t her fault. Liam told her he was struggling long before she came around, but somehow, Emma just knows she’s made it worse for Luke. But somewhere in the complex mix of emotions she felt about the entirety of this situation, Emma felt a little wronged. She felt frustrated—with herself and with the band.

Why the fuck would they hire her if they knew Luke wasn’t going to get along with her? Or was this completely unexpected for them too? She was frustrated because no matter how hard she tried to get past the walls Luke built, her attempts were always futile in the end. It felt as though the walls were built specifically for her.

She seemed to be making a little bit of headway back there, but once she asked about the woman in the picture, she was pushed away once more.

Clearly, whatever is going on here, runs much deeper than Emma initially thought. And she’s not even sure she wants anything to do with it anymore.

Chapter Text

ᯓ★

After… Whatever the hell happened back at Liam’s flat, Emma reached back out to him and, after apologizing profusely, she told him she wanted to keep her distance from Luke, and that the band could still hangout but it would have to be without her.

They’ve known each other for years and she doesn’t want to get between them.

She’s already done that (albeit somewhat), and she feels so fucking terrible for it. They would have been fine without her, really. Any other photographer would have sufficed.

Liam insisted that none of it was her fault but Emma could see past his words. She knew at least some of it was her fault. Luke had given so many signs that he wanted nothing to do with her and yet she still kept coming back. So Emma chose to stay away from the band until Rock im Park, and she could only hope Luke would choose to be somewhat tolerable then.

Everything was fine, everything will be fine. Emma was sure of that…

…until June came around and she was totally losing her shit. This would be the first time she would be traveling out of the UK with Sleep Token and she wasn’t quite sure what to expect.

All she knew was that she needed to have her things packed and ready the morning of June 5th because Liam was going to pick her up and take her to the airport with him. She didn’t really have a choice in the matter—Liam had texted her telling her he would be picking her up, but not to worry because it would only be him. Alex, Jude, and Luke would be going with each other.

So now Emma is carrying her luggage (a small suitcase and a carry-on bag) down to the cab waiting for them with the help of Liam. He filled her in on all the details about where they would be going: they would depart from the airport around 4pm and would arrive in Germany around an hour or so later, and then he broke the news to her.

“We’ll be going to dinner when we arrive,” he explains. “It’ll be late and everyone will be tired from the airports and the plane so… there shouldn’t be any trouble.”

Emma shoots him a look and he reciprocates it. “Everything will be fine,” he assured her with a smile. “We talked to Luke about everything so hopefully he’ll have a better attitude this time around.”

Emma deflated, remembering everything she found out about him last time the group was together. “How is he doing?”

All Liam could offer her was a shrug. “He’s a recovering alcoholic—if that’s what you even want to call it. He used to have a serious drinking problem but he never really went to rehab, you know? He still drinks but it’s only every now and then, never as bad as it once used to be.”

Emma’s movements slowed. “Really?”

“Yep. I’m sure if you dig deep enough you’ll find some videos of wee Luke, performing drunk on stage,” Liam joked, trying his best to lighten the mood. Emma chucked awkwardly, loading her suitcase into the trunk of the cab. Liam slammed it shut and climbed into the back alongside her, and their ride to the airport began. It wouldn’t be long, hopefully.

Part of Emma was grateful that she went on tour with Spiritbox before this, because otherwise she’s not so sure she would be able to handle the stress of so much travel on top of trying to find her place within the band. She already seemed to be finding her place though… maybe. Liam invited her to almost everything they did, so Emma sort of felt like she belonged with the four of them. Well… sometimes. Sometimes she feels like she causes too many problems and that maybe she should just stick with the crew, but nevertheless Liam insists she hangs out with the band.

Emma closed her eyes and listened as Liam babbled on about whatever it is he talks about, she can never follow along when he talks about his various video games or all his guitar tech, until their cab pulled up to the airport and they climbed out. Liam handed her her luggage and they made their way inside and through security before making their way to their designated departure gate.

Emma slowed her stride to walk behind Liam as they approached the others, feeling her heart begin to beat faster inside her chest. She hadn’t spoken to Luke since… since whatever happened back at Liam’s flat, and she wasn’t really looking forward to talking to him again.

“Oh, don’t worry—“ he slung his arm over her shoulders— “we’re not late, they're just early. I reckon—“

“That’s not what I’m worried about,” Emma interrupted.

Liam seemed to understand immediately because he smiled and said, “he’s all bark and no bite. You know a little of what he’s going through so try to use that to understand what’s going through his head.”

Emma nodded along as he spoke. “Okay, I can do that.”

He clapped her on the back. “Good girl.”

They caught up to the rest of the band and Emma offered them an awkward wave. “Long time no see!” she chirped.

“Nice to see you again Emma,” Jude told her. “You ready for Rock im?”

“Yeah, actually. I’ve never photographed a festival before so I’m looking forward to it.”

“You’ll do great,” Jude reassured her. He turned his attention to the others and allowed himself to get caught up in conversation with them, leaving Emma to stand there and watch. She looked around the area of the boarding gate and noticed Luke standing a little ways off, phone held to his ear. He was talking quickly and he looked the most stressed she’d ever seen him. He hung up the phone, shoved it into his pocket and returned to the group.

“They forgot half of my fucking costume,” he said as he approached.

“Is anyone coming back to get it?” Alex asked. Luke shrugged.

“I don’t know, they said they’d fill me in but that they’ll probably get it tomorrow.”

“Don’t sweat it,” Jude told him, reassuring and calm as ever.

Soon enough, their flight was called and they all boarded the plane. Emma chose a window seat next to Liam. She pulled her noise cancelling headphones over her ears and blocked out Liam’s usual yapping, closing her eyes and effectively fell asleep. She was woken up by Liam when they touched ground. He handed her her carry-on bag and she followed him off the plane. After they got their luggage, they met up with the others outside of the airport while they waited for their cabs.

“You have a nice nap?” Alex teased her. Emma flushed pink.

“Did I snore?” she asked shyly.

“A little bit,” he told her. Emma groaned, feeling her face flush in embarrassment furthermore.

“Don’t worry,” Alex said quickly, “it was bad at all.”

“Liam snores louder than you do,” Jude added.

“What? No I don’t!” Liam argued. Emma giggled at this.

Their cabs arrived shortly and they drove until they reached their hotel in Nuremberg. They were handed their own room keys and Emma left the others behind quickly to find her hotel room, which was fairly easy considering hers was on the 3rd floor. She immediately tossed her suitcase and carry-on bag onto her bed. She looked around her room, pleased to find it was quite roomy. She had a queen-sized bed, two nightstands, a cuck chair, a TV, and a desk underneath the TV in the main room. There was a closet supplied with a multitude of hangers and an ironing board. In the bathroom, she had a glass shower and a large sink counter, and of course a toilet.

They would be leaving for dinner soon, so she quickly unpacked her necessities like her toiletry bag, her makeup bag, and her charger. The room was beautiful, roomy, and she was beyond grateful to be here and have this opportunity—even if she considered backing out a few times before.

Her phone buzzed with a text from the shared group chat between Luke, Jude, Liam, and Alex asking if everyone was ready for dinner. Emma met up with them downstairs and they walked to a restaurant close by. She had been a little worried about how things would go down between her and Luke but so far, everything seemed to be going well.

“You’re going to let me pay for my food this time, right?” Emma made an attempt to joke with Luke as she stepped past him. He let out a sharp exhale that sounded more like a laugh than anything, which sort of caught her off guard, but she wasn’t complaining. She sat across from him again, silently praying everything would go smoothly. Their waiter came and took their drink orders, and returned not long after to take their food orders.

“Does anyone want to hit up the bar with me after this?” Liam suddenly asked.

“I wouldn’t be opposed,” Emma said.

“I’ll go,” Luke spoke up, which definitely caught her off guard, but she didn’t think too much of it. Maybe he just wants to have a few drinks too.

“Jude and I were going to go back to the hotel,” Alex explained. “Don’t get piss drunk please. I don’t want to have to pick any of you up off the sidewalk.”

“I’ll keep an eye on them—as the eldest of the group,” Liam boasted. Alex just rolled his eyes in response.

After dinner, Liam, Luke, and Emma broke off from Alex and Jude and made their way through the streets of Nuremberg to find a suitable bar. She let the guys lead the way; she’s not very familiar with Germany, after all. They found one eventually, and although Emma was glad to not have to walk any longer, she was a little disappointed to find it was a little too crowded for her comfort. But they stayed nevertheless.

ᯓ★

A part of him feels terrible for the way he’s been treating her. He knows none of this is her fault—it’s all out of her control. Another part of him is still angry with her. He’s angry with Emma because she reminds him so much of her that it makes him physically ill.

But he promised himself he would try to have a good night and to apologize to Emma for their last interaction, so he tried his best to push those invading thoughts to the back of his mind and to focus on the present. He and Liam were making their way to a booth in the back while Emma made a bee-line to the bar. He watched from across the room as she ordered and handed her card to the bartender, a smile on her face all the while.

“She’s not all bad, eh?” Liam wiggled his eyebrows at him. Luke wrinkled his nose and shook his head fervently.

“What the hell are you talking about?” he demanded.

“She’s fun to be around once you get to know her,” Liam clarified. “I see the way you’re looking at her.”

“Oh, God, no,” Luke said quickly, hands raised defensively. “I’m just people watching.”

“I’m not convinced.”

“Whatever.”

“So are you warming up to her yet?” Liam asked him excitedly. Luke hesitated to answer, and he must have noticed this because he added, “she’s a good person. They’re not anything alike besides their interests, Luke. You can allow yourself this.”

He sighed. “I can’t.”

“You can. At least try to stop snapping at her everytime she comes around.”

“But if I keep some distance between us nothing will happen—“

“No. Don’t think like that. She’s a genuinely good girl. I think if you allow yourself to get to know her, you’ll like her too,” Liam urged. Luke blinked rapidly, turning his attention back to where he last saw her. His heart dropped at the scene playing out before him.

Emma had her back pressed against the bar, a friendly smile on her face as she looked up at a man that towered over her. He was talking, his mouth moving rapidly, and while Luke didn’t know Emma very well, he could tell she was growing uncomfortable by the second. The stranger reached out and slotted his hand against Emma’s waist, stepping even closer.

Luke rose to his feet and crossed the room in just a few strides. “Emma!” he called, and they both turned to face him. The stranger took a step back and Luke took the opportunity to pull her towards him. “You’re missing all the fun, love.”

Emma brushed her hair behind her ears. “Oh, sorry—“

Luke watched as the stranger put the pieces together. “You’re her boyfriend—?”

Emma opened her mouth to speak but Luke cut her off. “Yeah, actually, I am. There are plenty of other single women here so why don’t you go hit on them instead?”

He pulled Emma closer to him, hating the way his skin burned and his heart rate quickened. He just wished this bloke would get the hint and hurry up and leave so he could let go of her. Finally, the stranger pushed off the bar and stalked off, grumbling something as he went but Luke paid him no mind. He immediately stepped away from Emma and shoved his hands into his pockets once he was sure he was gone.

“Sorry,” he muttered.

“Thank you for that,” Emma told him. She caught his eye but he quickly looked away. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“You looked uncomfortable,” he replied.

“I was but—“

“It’s whatever. I’ll wait with you while you get your drink,” he offered. Not even a moment later, Emma was picking up her drink. He followed her through the crowd back to their booth. Liam was gone but knowing him, he was probably off chatting it up with a group of girls. Luke slid in next to Emma, trying to control the racing thoughts in his head.

Emma is not his ex. Emma is nowhere near who she was. For starters, Emma is actually a decent person. No, she’s a good person. She would never put Luke through even half the things his ex did.

“Thanks for that, again,” Emma thanked him. “You really didn’t have to do that.”

Luke gave a half-hearted shrug. “He obviously wasn't getting the hint you weren’t interested.”

“That was really nice of you.” Luke looked up from the table at her to see her smiling at him. It was hard for him to differentiate the two of them at first, but as he hung around Emma more, he could see just how vastly different they were. They still like the same things, still have the same occupation, their looks still resembled each other, but Emma was a million times better than his ex could be.

Maybe he could allow himself to enjoy her presence after all.

“I try,” he said finally.

“I’m really sorry for… a lot of the things I’ve said to you,” she said around the rim of her glass. “I haven’t been the nicest either.”

“None of this is your fault. I’ve been such a dickhead to you lately—it’s out of character. You’ve been incredibly nice to me considering the way I’ve been treating you.”

“To be fair, I was a little upset that you paid for my dinner, even if you were trying to do something nice.” She rolled her eyes at herself. “I just didn’t want you paying for my food when you definitely didn’t have to.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, it was actually very kind of you.”

He met her eyes again and he swore he could feel her searching his face for any sign of hostility. He’s trying to be better to her, she shouldn’t have to worry about him blowing up in her face anymore. He felt a pang of guilt. She looks so innocent, so kind and genuine, and all he’s been to her is rude.

“My background, I remember you asked about it,” he began. “She’s my ex, I guess. I admit I’m not completely over her yet but our relationship needed to end.”

“You don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to but did you write Gethsemane about her?” Emma asked suddenly. Luke felt his heart plummet into his stomach but he couldn’t deny that she was right. He did write Gethsemane about his ex, about all the shit she put him through while they were together.

“Yeah,” he whispered, internally cringing at how meek his voice sounded. “She was a horrible person.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked—“

“You remind me a lot of her.”

He didn’t miss the way her eyes widened. “What?”

“Not that you’re a bad person,” he corrected himself quickly. “Just that you sort of look like her. And you both really like the Twilight Saga, if I’m not mistaken.”

“What, was she also your photographer?” she joked, but her expression soon fell when she noticed the grim look on his face. “Oh, she was…”

“I’m sorry Emma.”

She shook her head. “You don’t have to keep saying that. Thanks for telling me this, it kind of helps understand where you’re coming from, I guess.”

“I know this is a lot to unload on you.”

“I’m just glad you’re actually talking to me.” She gave him a gentle smile and he reciprocated it. Emma scooted closer to him in the booth, turning to face him properly.

“So you don’t really like Twilight, do you?” she joked. Luke shook his head, chuckling.

“No, not really. They were okay the first time Insaw them but I got tired of them real fast. I only kept Bella’s ring because it was pretty.”

“You’ll have to teach me how to play some of the songs,” Emma proposed. “I’ve always wanted to learn.”

“I’ll think about it.”

ᯓ★

They left the bar later in the night, and while it all happened pretty quickly, Emma was kind of relieved Luke had decided to open up to her. She always suspected he was dealing with something like a bad break up or something of the likes, but it was always just a hunch. Him opening up to her really helped her sort of understand where he was coming from, what exactly he was going through.

It sort of freaked her out that he said she reminded him a lot of his ex. She didn’t know how similar they were until he explained it, and now it was extremely clear to her how he could have gotten them so mixed up.

She understood completely, in fact.

When she was just 13, she met her first boyfriend. They got together and it lasted a while, and they were happy. Of course, it was just puppy love, but it felt real in the moment… until his actions towards her flipped on a dime and he treated her horribly. Looking back now, Emma still has no idea how a 14 year old boy could be so evil. In the end, he cheated on her and they broke up, and it really fucked with her head. She just couldn’t understand how someone could love someone so much and then go and treat them like utter shit in the end. She was a teenager when this happened and it would probably never measure up to the damage Luke’s ex caused him but she could understand his feelings, to an extent.

But regardless, Emma’s relieved he opened up to her tonight. It feels like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders now that she has a window into his mind (even if it’s incredibly small still).

They’re standing in the elevator together now. Emma’s a little tipsy; she had more than just a few drinks tonight. And maybe tipsy isn’t the right word to describe the state she’s in right now. Luke had a few drinks himself, and his words are slurred as he speaks.

Liam left them to head back to their rooms by themselves while he stepped outside for a quick smoke, insisting he would be back inside in a few. Luke is leaning against the back wall of the elevator, going on about how he was kind of nervous to play Rock im Park. Then the elevator chimed and the doors opened to reveal the long hallway of doors. Emma and Luke stepped out and walked down the hall to their rooms but instead of going on to his own room, Luke stopped at Emma’s. He rubbed the nape of his neck, looking rather nervous.

“You okay?” Emma asked him.

“Thanks for… sticking around even when I was such a dickhead to you,” he said finally. “I’m really sorry for everything.”

“I’ve already told you it’s okay,” she insisted. “It really helped that you were honest with me tonight.” She pressed her key to the door. It beeped as it unlocked and she opened it ever so slightly.

“Goodnight Emma,” Luke told her.

“Good night Luke—“ she began to say but her breath caught in her lungs when she turned to look at him to find him leaning forward. Her heart was beating at a million miles per hour, thoughts racing throughout her head. He pressed a kiss to her cheek before stepping past her and heading down the hall to his room.

Emma watched him go until he slipped into his room, her breath still caught in her lungs. Did that seriously just happen?

Chapter Text

ᯓ★

She didn’t get very much sleep last night, between staying out late and her mind running circles around the kiss.

It wasn’t like he kissed her on the lips, and she was pretty sure he didn’t feel any sort of feelings for her. She didn’t feel anything for him either, so why did his kiss mess her up so easily?

Everything happened so quickly. One second, Emma was pretty confident Luke hated her guts, then the next he was opening up to her and being friendly. It was unexpected but Emma wasn’t really complaining. She’s actually glad they made some progress in their relationship.

The kiss just caught her off guard completely.

“Uh, earth to Emma?” Liam teased, nudging her with his elbow.

“Sorry,” she yawned. “I didn’t sleep very much last night.”

“What, had a certain bloke on your mind?” He was joking but Emma couldn’t help the way her cheeks flushed pink. Liam’s eyes widened. “Oh, you did! Who was it, that guy that was talking to you at the beginning of the night?”

She wrinkled her nose. “God no!”

“Yeah, I didn’t think so. He wasn’t the most attractive.”

“I’m so fuckin’ tired,” she yawned once more. “I feel like I could fall asleep standing up.”

“You can’t do that just yet.” Liam strode off, gesturing wildly to one of the crew members on their team. Emma blinked slowly, feeling overcome by exhaustion. She should have brought some chamomile or lavender tea to help her sleep. They were at the festival grounds, already loading in some of their equipment, although they weren’t scheduled to play until tomorrow night. They also had plans to check out some of the other lineups today, and to explore a little bit of Nuremberg while they’re here. Emma also wanted to take her camera out for a spin today. She made sure to bring it along, looking for anything worthwhile to capture. Maybe she would get a few of some of the bands they would check out today—if she could stay on her feet for that long.

A part of her wanted to ask Luke about the kiss last night, but another part just wanted to forget all about it. Was it a romantic gesture, or was he just trying to be nice, show some gratitude? Maybe she was overthinking this and it meant nothing at all. She doesn’t know why she cares so much, it’s not like she’s had some secret feelings for Luke and her fantasies are finally coming true.

She’d have to find him later—he went back to the airport to sort out the ordeal regarding his costume. Yesterday, they found out that his costume had been forgotten back in the UK and that it’d have to be flown to Germany today, so he’s busy sorting that out. And she’s here… doing nothing.

After another moment of standing around while everyone else busied themselves, Emma decided it wouldn’t help to wander around a little.

With her camera in hand, Emma took the opportunity to walk around the festival grounds, watching as people passed her by, or as people posed for pictures here and there. She noticed a few people dressed in familiar band merch, but she didn’t pay much mind to it. If she’s being honest, she’s secretly grateful she’s not wearing a shirt with Sleep Token’s logo on it and words saying she’s part of the crew, or that she’s their photographer, because she’s not sure she would be able to handle the stares, or whispers, or any other attention it would garner towards her.

After walking around for a little, Emma decided to give up on trying to find something picture worthy and returned to where she last saw Liam. She lifted her camera strap from around her neck and set it aside for a moment, rubbing the area where it once sat around her neck.

“Get anything good?” Jude asked suddenly, nearly making Emma jump out of her skin. She whipped around to face him, heart pounding inside her chest.

“Oh, shit, you scared me.” She exhaled sharply, trying to ground herself once more. “No, I haven’t found anything picture-worthy yet. Maybe tomorrow night.” She winked at him and he chuckled.

“Let’s hope so. How’d last night go with Luke? I know you two have been butting heads lately, so without Alex and me being there I was a little worried.”

Emma felt her face flush, easily giving away how she felt about last night’s events. If Jude noticed, he didn’t say anything. “It actually went pretty well. No arguing at all. We shared a real conversation this time.”

“Good, I’m glad. Maybe our hang outs will be peaceful going forward,” he teased her. Emma rolled her eyes playfully.

“Yeah, we’ll see about that,” she responded. Jude’s phone buzzed in his phone and he pulled it out to answer the call.

“Luke?” he asked, sounding rather concerned, brows raised. Emma felt her heart skip a beat at the mentioned name. “Shit, okay. Fuck, is it going to be here in time? I mean— we play tomorrow, for fuck’s sake.”

Emma could only imagine they were talking about Luke’s costume. That’s why he was at the airport this morning. Did this mean he can’t get his costume today either? She shook her head subtly, trying to figure out how on earth they could forget the lead singer’s costume out of them all. She was too caught up in her thoughts to notify Jude hung up the phone until he started speaking to her.

“Luke’s not happy at all.” Jude’s voice cut into her thoughts and she was suddenly brought back to present time. “They’re not able to get his costume over here today so they’re going to try to get it tomorrow. He might be a bit snippy today, sorry.”

She brushed it off, “I can handle it, thanks.”

“I think he wants to meet us for lunch if you want to come too?” Jude asked tentatively. Emma nodded her head eagerly, hoping that getting some food in her system would help wake her up a little.

Emma couldn’t stop thinking about last night. It was driving her up the walls. Up until last night, she was pretty certain that Luke hated her but then he… kissed her! He kissed her, of all things. A hug or a touch on the arm would have gotten the same message across, she’s pretty sure.

Granted, he kissed her on her cheek and chances are, she’s most definitely overthinking this. It was just a kind gesture. That was it.

Except maybe it could have meant more—

No, she hissed silently, stop overthinking this. You don’t even like him romantically.

Emma fiddled with her straw wrapper, brows furrowed into a frown, trying to make sense of what even happened. He kissed her cheek, nothing more. He was just trying to be nice. That was that.

And now, he’s sitting next to her at the table, silent while everyone else talks. Like he usually is. There’s no reason she needs to be acting all weird over this if he’s not. It meant nothing.

Luke cast a brief glance over her, accidentally catching her eye. Emma smiled to try and not make it awkward but she could feel it in the atmosphere. She misjudged; he’s definitely acting weird too. It must have been more than just a friendly gesture on his part but… why would he move so quickly? One second, he’s biting her head off and the next he’s kissing her cheek. It all happened so fast. Maybe it was the alcohol in their systems last night.

“Can you two stop eye-fucking each other at the table?” Liam snapped suddenly. Emma shot up in her seat, dropping her hands to her lap. He narrowed his eyes at them. “Did I miss something last night? Why are you two being weird?”

“We’re not,” Luke said firmly. “Nothing happened. We just talked.”

“Talked… right…” Liam said skeptically. He pointed his straw at them both. “Stop making eyes at each other or I’m going to lose my appetite.”

“Stop pestering them Liam,” Alex chided. “I think you’re starting to lose your mind a little.”

“All the excitement of the tour is getting to him,” Jude commented with a grin. 

Luke leaned over closer to Emma and murmured, “do you want to go out again tonight?”

She was a little shocked by his question but, remembering how much fun she had with him last night, she nodded eagerly. Luke met her gaze and held it this time, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips—a rare sight to see.

“See?” Liam pointed at them and Luke pulled away from her. “Can you not feel it—the tension? Obviously there was something I missed last night!”

“Nope,” Jude said. “Can’t feel anything.”

“Yeah, me neither.” Alex shrugged and took a sip of his drink. “Are you sure you’re okay, Liam? Need to take a break?”

ᯓ★

Luke looked across the booth at Emma, who was fiddling with the rings on her fingers. She’s wearing Bella’s engagement ring, he noticed, but for the first time in what felt like forever, he didn’t think of his ex. Instead, he thought about how Emma mentioned she likes the Twilight movies, and how she asked him to teach her how to play a few songs from the movies. It was refreshing, actually, to have a few moments where he’s not plagued by the memories of his ex—of what she put him through when they were together.

Tonight, it’s just him and Emma. They ditched the others back at the hotel and found themselves in the same bar from the night before. Emma had a gin and tonic while Luke got a beer for himself. He offered to buy her drink but Emma insisted he buy his own.

“You perform tomorrow,” she said with a small smile. “You excited?”

He shrugged. He’s been trying his best not to let the stress eat him up but it was inevitable, it seemed. Between his costume being late and making sure everything else is perfect for tomorrow, he hasn’t had time to be excited for tomorrow. “I think so. Are you?”

She grinned. “A little. It’s the first festival I’ve ever photographed.”

“I think you’ll do great,” he told her. Emma tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and Luke didn’t miss the way her expression fell. He furrowed his brows, watching her. “Emma?”

“Why’d you kiss me last night?” she blurted. Luke felt his heart skip a few beats. “Before that I was convinced you hated me before last night and then everything just seemed to flip like a switch.”

Luke sat back in his seat, thumbing at the condensation on his beer glass. He knew what she was talking about. He didn’t know why he did it, he just felt like he needed to. The action felt familiar, like he’d done it countless times before and yet it felt completely foreign at the same time. He didn’t sleep much last night, maybe only an hour or two, because that’s all he was able to think about. He regretted everything and yet nothing at all. When he woke up this morning, he pushed it to the back of his mind in hopes that she would never bring it up and they would just forget about it, but it seems that wasn’t going to happen.

“I don’t know,” he admitted with a sigh. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—“

“Don’t be sorry,” she interrupted him. “I didn’t mind it, really. I just haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.”

“You genuinely thought I hated you?” he asked her, head cocked to the side. “I never hated you— I was just… frustrated. Confused, I guess. It was hard to differentiate you and my ex at first but I never hated you.”

“You certainly acted like it.”

“I don’t think I can ever hate you, Emma.”

She smiled at this, trying and failing to hide it behind her glass by taking a sip of her drink. “That’s a relief,” she said after a few moments. “I must admit there were times I was extremely angry with you.”

“Really? I couldn’t tell.”

Emma giggled at this. Luke took a moment to sit back and think about what he was getting himself into. He never hated Emma at any point, he was just— conflicted. He was still going through so much, between his ongoing grief and his stumble with his drinking problem, he struggled with trying to separate Emma and his ex. He was blinded by his frustration and grieving and, frankly, he’s embarrassed to admit it. But disregarding all their similarities, Luke can clearly see that Emma is a genuine person. She’s good. He’s certain she would never even think about putting him through half the things his ex did, and for that he’s willing to try to let her in. He wants to tear down the defensive walls he’s built and let her in.

After a few more drinks, they mutually decided they wanted to get out of here. Luke followed Emma out of the bar and out onto the street. It was mostly quiet, besides the bustle coming from the bar they were just in. Luke walked beside her, his hands shoved into his pockets.

“It’s a little chilly, yeah?” Emma asked him. He shrugged.

“It’s kind of nice,” he commented, sticking his arm out in front of him to feel the chill of the air properly. He narrowly missed Emma shivering, feeling a twinge of sympathy for her. “We’ll be back at the hotel soon. It’ll be warm there.”

“God, I hope so.”

In a moment of newfound confidence, Luke pulled her closer to him. She let him, much to his surprise, and they walked the rest of the way back to the hotel in silence. But it wasn’t uncomfortable at all—it was sort of nice, having a moment of quiet in between all the loud.

They walked through the doors of the hotel and made their way over to the elevator across the lobby. Emma pressed the button for the 3rd floor and stepped back. Luke leaned against the back wall, head tilted back to look up at the screen that displayed the floor numbers.

“Thanks for coming around in the end,” Emma spoke up through the silence. Luke averted his attention to her to find her smiling up at him.

“Thanks for being so patient with me.”

The elevator chimed. Luke pushed himself off the wall just as the doors slid open. He followed Emma down the hallway until they reached her room and leaned against the wall beside her as she fumbled with her room key.

“Hey Emma?”

She looked up at him midway through opening the door, brows raised. “What’s up?”

He didn’t know what possessed him to do this. In fact, he doesn't know how he ever came to this conclusion. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe he was thinking clearly

 in the moment. He stepped forward and craned his neck, leaning down to wrap his arms around her. 

He knew he took her by surprise. He expected her to push him back and scream in his face, call his names maybe, but what he never expected her to do was hug him back. Maybe he’d gotten too use to letting his ex push him around.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and he took the opportunity to pull her impossibly closer. How he ever got to this moment, he has no idea. But what he does know is that Emma is not her. She doesn’t have an ounce of bad blood in her, no bad intention in mind.

Between the time when they were at Liam’s flat and now, Luke has come to realize she’s a million times the person his ex could ever hope to be. And although he still harbors the trauma from what once was, he’s slowly realizing he wants to get better. He doesn’t want to dwell in the past anymore. He wants to be in the present, he wants to live in the moment.

It just took meeting Emma to help him realize this.

Chapter Text

ᯓ★

He was just being friendly, Emma concluded. The kiss didn’t mean anything—of course it didn’t. And she doesn’t even care about it that much, so she doesn’t know why she keeps thinking about it. His hug last night proved their relationship is strictly platonic.

And again, Emma is not interested in him. She would never be interested in someone that treated her so badly at one point. And even if she was interested in him, she would never make a move, because Luke’s told her himself that he’s not quite over his abusive ex. That’s that. They’re just… somewhat friends. Acquaintance, more like it.

Besides, they play Rock im Park tonight, and Emma can’t allow herself to be distracted. She needs to be 100 percent present for tonight.

She didn’t get much sleep last night either, too busy staying up tediously cleaning her camera and cleaning up her website’s portfolio. Well, cleaning up is an understatement. Last night, Emma stayed up late completely redoing it all. She primed the home page, uploaded all her wedding photos, concert photos, scenery photos, and her (tame) boudoir photos into their own respective folders. She even added a section on the home page that described a little of who she is.

When that was all done, she still couldn’t fall asleep, so she stepped outside to call Maxine. She felt a little sorry—it was nearly 1am back in the UK when she called, but much to her surprise, Max still answered. They talked on the phone for a while. Emma filled her in on how everything was going, between the festival and the guys, and she was happy to report that she and Luke were actually getting along this time.

But then the clock struck 3, and her exhaustion was finally starting to catch up to her. Emma told Max goodnight and headed back inside.

But she woke up a few hours later, and now she’s standing in the elevator as it slowly glided down to the first floor. When it chimed and the doors opened, Emma stepped out and made her way outside. She remembered seeing a coffee shop around here somewhere, so now she’s on a mission to find it and get some caffeine in her system. And, maybe if she’s still feeling generous, she’ll pick up some coffee on the way back to the hotel for the others.

After she ordered her coffee, she sat down near the front window and allowed herself to get lost in thought for a few moments. She sat back in her seat and watched as people walked in and out of the coffee shop, wondering if some of them were here to see Sleep Token tonight. She did manage to catch some people wearing Sleep Token merch, like their t-shirts or their jackets or, more subtly, earrings or necklaces with the Sleep Token pendant dangling. Emma felt a little swell of pride in her chest at the thought of the fact that she’s now part of the Sleep Token team. She’s part of the mystique now, in a way. She wonders if any of these people suspect her as part of the team, or if she’s just another person to them.

She texted the shared group chat between her and the guys and asked if anyone wanted some coffee.

Emma

at a coffee shop. anyone want anything?

Jude

Luke’s still asleep but i know he’d like black coffee w an xtra shot of espresso. i’ll take a chai. thx a ton Emma x

Liam

Alex & I would like iced coffee, no sugar just cream. thanks luv x

Emma finished her own coffee and stepped back in line to order their drinks. Once she had them in her cup colder, she made her way back to the hotel. She managed to knock on Jude’s door and he opened up for her no more than a few seconds later. From where she was standing, she could see Luke lying in Jude’s bed, back turned to the door, head hidden under the pillows.

“He crashed with you last night?” she asked him. Jude looked back over his shoulder at his band mate.

“Yeah, he wasn’t doing too hot last night,” he explained with a sympathetic look in his eyes. “Some days are worse than others, you know?”

He looked down at the cup holder in her hands, brows furrowed. “I’m… not sure which ones are which, sorry,” she said sheepishly. Jude stepped aside, ushering her in.

“That’s fine. Come in and we’ll figure it out.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to wake him—“

Jude waved his hand dismissively. “He’ll be okay. Just keep your voice low, he’s kind of a light sleeper.”

Emma tentatively stepped into Jude’s room. The atmosphere in the room felt so… intimate, in a way. She felt like she was impeding on their safe space—Luke’s safe space. Jude took the cup holder from her and set it down on the desk beneath their TV, which was playing a National Geographic documentary about Beluga whales.

She cast Jude a questioning look. “You watch National Geographic?”

He scoffed. “God, no. Can’t stand it. I put it on for Luke; he likes to watch it before bed.”

Emma felt her heart begin to melt inside her chest. She knows Jude and Luke have been friends for years, and she knew they were extremely close, but seeing this part of their relationship… It made her miss Maxine back at home. It made her heart throb inside her chest. “That’s really nice of you.”

Jude popped off the lids of the drinks, immediately sorting out which one was Luke’s. He held up the others to his nose in order to pick out if they were coffee or chai. He set his and Luke’s coffees aside and out the other two back into the cup holder. “Thanks again, Emma. Luke will really appreciate it.”

As if on cue, Luke stirred beneath the covers. He reached over and grabbed his phone off the nightstand, groaning as he checked the time. “Fuck,” he cursed.

“Emma’s here with coffee,” Jude said gently. “Do you want yours now?”

Luke sat up in bed, hair tousled from his sleep. Emma couldn’t help the way her eyes raked over his body, taking in his unpainted physique. She could really see all the work he’s put into himself, all the time he’s spent at the gym, without the black paint to obscure most of his form. Her eyes trailed lower but she quickly looked away when she noticed Luke was watching her in turn.

She couldn’t help the sheepish smile on her face or the growing pink tint of her cheeks. “I’ll be getting out of your hair then,” she said quickly. She picked up the coffees and briefly waved goodbye before disappearing into the hallway. She knocked at Liam’s door and was surprised to see Alex answering, but she remembered how Liam ordered for them both, so of course they’re together.

“Did I miss something?” she blurted. Alex raised a questioning brow. “You and Liam are together, Jude and Luke are together.”

Alex chuckled. “Those two are together more often than not. I just stopped by to grab a few picks from Liam but… you know him, he never stops talking.”

“Well I’m glad I’m not buddied up with him,” Emma teased. She handed Alex the cup holder. “Anyway, these are for you.”

“Thanks, this was really nice of you Emma,” Alex said as he took the tray from her. Emma flashed him a sweet smile before she turned and made her way back to her room.

It was only later in the day that they all headed to the festival grounds to start setting up the stage and get ready for tonight. Emma marveled at the brand new sets they made for the stage. They were gorgeous, resembling the mountains and flowers and archways seen on the album’s visualizers. A crew member walked past her carting Jude’s drum parts, Jude following closely behind, speaking rapidly.

“You look lost,” Luke said suddenly. Emma jumped at the sound of his voice. She turned around to find him standing behind her, hands shoved into his pockets—per usual.

“A little,” she admitted with a shrug.

“I was going to go walk around for a little while if you wanted to come with me,” he offered. Emma nodded eagerly. She followed Luke out from backstage and into the open. There were people everywhere, walking back and forth between stages and the other attractions at the Park.

“Do you ever get worried that someone will recognize you?” she asked, finally breaking the silence between them.

Luke shrugged. “Some do, but they never come up to me, so it’s not as bothersome.”

“I suppose it’s not as bad as if you were someone like…” Emma trailed off, trying to think of a mainstream artist, “Tate McRae.”

“Tate McRae?” he echoed.

Emma ducked her head, suddenly shy. “Yeah, she’s my favorite artist.”

“Not me?” Luke joked, which earned him an eye roll and a scoff from Emma. “I’ve never heard of her before.”

“I didn’t expect you to. You don’t really look like the type to listen to her kind of music, but she’s really popular. If she ever walked out like we did just now, I guarantee she would be swarmed in seconds—“

“I think Liam’s starting to rub off on you,” Luke told her. In the distance, they heard music blaring followed by fans cheering. Emma turned to look in the direction the noise was coming from, subsequently not paying attention to where she was going. Luke grabbed her arm and pulled her into him just as a group of people walked in front of them, which earned questioning looks from the group.

“I think it’d help if you looked where you’re going,” Luke told her. Emma felt her face heat quickly.

“Sorry, I got distracted.”

“I see that.” Luke continued walking, hands in his pockets. Emma stuck close to his side to avoid getting nearly trampled again. As they walked, her mind wandered off to last night, to when he hugged her. It was completely unexpected, but she didn’t fight it. It was really nice, actually, to know he didn’t actually dislike her like she was previously led to believe. Maybe they could actually be friends in the future.

She hadn’t even noticed Luke stopped walking until she ran into him. She shook her head, as if to clear her thoughts, and stepped around him to see why they stopped. He was watching a show a little ways away, and it took Emma a second to recognize the band playing.

“It’s Spiritbox,” she breathed.

“You toured with them, didn’t you?”

Emma looked up at him, surprised that he remembered that. “Yeah, I did. Do you listen to them?”

“Only a little. I have to admit, she’s pretty good.”

“Courtney LaPlante.” Emma sighed softly. “Yeah, she’s amazing. I got to know her a little during the tour.”

Luke wrapped his arm around her shoulder, and while it was unexpected, Emma didn’t stop it. They stood like this for a while until Luke decided it was time to return back to the stage to get ready. When they returned, Luke disappeared off to God-knows-where, leaving Emma to wander around backstage. She found the dressing rooms, with their costumes already loaded in. Their cloaks were hanging on a rack in garment bags, their masks and other accessories were nowhere to be seen. On the vanity in the very back sat a black bag and multiple containers of what must be their body paint. Emma continued on, however, walking around backstage.

She eventually ran into Jude again, who looked deep into thought. “Hey,” she said.

Jude looked over at her. “Where’d you run off to earlier? I think Liam was looking for you.”

“Oh, Luke and I walked around for a little—“

“You and Luke?” Jude raised a skeptical brow. “So you two are getting along just well then?”

“I’d like to think so. Ever since we went out the other night, he’s been a lot nicer to me.” She tucked a lock of brunette hair behind her ear. “I don’t know. He still seems so… skittish.”

“That he is,” Jude agreed. “You’re making a lot of progress though. God, I remember when Luke and I first met, back when he was a freshie in Uni and I was graduating. He was the most standoffish kid I’d ever met. He’s not changed much in that aspect since we met, it seems.”

Emma wrapped her arms around herself. “I’m just glad he hasn’t bit my head off yet. He, like, hugged me last night, it was weird.”

“Yeah, sort of. Especially considering who he associates you with.”

Emma wrinkled her nose. “He associates me with… his ex?”

Jude sighed heavily, and it was obvious to Emma that he realized he messed up. “Yes and no. Last night he came to me telling me how he really likes you, but everytime he looks at you he’s reminded of Missy. I can’t blame him, you two even look alike.”

“Missy? That’s her name?”

“Marissa,” Jude corrected. “He’s trying his best to look past the trauma, Emma. Please keep that in mind in case he gets a bit snippy.”

“Everyone keeps talking about his trauma and what he’s gone through but I’m still in the dark. I understand if no one wants to tell me but… it would help a little to know why he’s like this.”

Jude bit his bottom lip. He looked like he was teetering on the edge of whether he should tell her or not, but in the end he ultimately gave in. “Missy was emotionally and verbally abusive. It’s like she was embarrassed to be with Luke. She did all sorts of shit to him.”

“Oh God I didn’t know—“

“We didn’t expect you to,” was all Jude told her before he was being sucked back into work.

It made so much more sense now, why Luke had been so defensive around her at first. It didn’t excuse his behavior towards her, but it helped her understand it more. He’d obviously been hurt terribly in the past and he’s still coping—regardless of however long ago he’d been hurt.

Emma wandered around for a while before heading back into the dressing room where all their costumes were. She found her camera where she put it earlier, on the vanity in the very back. She picked it up, checking to make sure it’s still in perfect condition.

“Oh, Emma!” Liam chirped. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you!”

She blushed out of embarrassment . “I’ve just been wandering around, sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said. “I wanted to ask you if you could get a couple backstage shots of us.”

She grinned up at him. “Of course I can do that.”

Liam looked back at the door to the dressing room, where the others were starting to file in, along with a couple crew members who Emma assumed were in charge of the makeup and costumes. “Great, this is the perfect time for you to get started on that. I hope you don’t mind seeing a bunch of half naked men for a few moments.”

Emma’s eyes widened at the thought but she shook her head nevertheless. Of course she didn’t mind, it’s not the first time she’s seen half-naked people. She’s even shot a few fully nude.

She sat down in one of the spare chairs, out of the way, while the band began to get ready for the show. She scrolled on her phone, fiddled with her camera, looked anywhere but the band in order to not look like a creep. She knows they probably wouldn’t care, but she didn’t want to look like some creeper watching them get changed.

Emma reverted her attention back to them, however, when she heard the sound of the paint tubs being opened and the lids being dropped onto the counter. She stood up and wandered over just in time to see Luke begin to be painted black.

“Is this process usually time consuming?” Emma asked. The make-up artist remained quiet, leaving room for Luke to answer instead.

“Sort of,” he replied. “It takes a bit but so does everything else regarding concert preparation.”

Emma lifted her camera, looking up at him for permission. Luke nodded curtly and Emma looked through the viewfinder, zooming in on the already painted skin above his belt. She snapped the shot, looked at the LCD screen to check the picture. It was decent, it would need some editing to look better, but it wasn’t good enough. She pointed the camera at the expanse of his painted body again, making sure to include some unpainted skin as well, and took another shot. She looked down at the LCD screen again, more pleased with this picture than the last one.

She hadn’t realized Liam had been looking over her shoulder until he clicked his tongue and said: “‘s like a thirst trap. I like it.”

“Seriously?” Alex said, unamused. Emma, however, giggled at Liam’s statement. She looked back down at the camera’s screen, brows furrowed. To anyone else, she might come off as concentrated, or perhaps upset even, but she was actually admiring the photo. Admiring her ability to catch something so beautiful and mysterious. So much and yet nothing at all. She put her camera down after a few moments and turned to take a picture of the paint that the makeup artist was using.

“How many takes does it usually take to get the perfect shot?” Luke asked in turn.

Emma was thoughtful for a moment. “Depends. Usually a few takes though.”

ᯓ★

He watched as she moved about the dressing room, camera in hand. His heart was beating at a hundred miles per hour in his chest, his stomach twisting into a knot. He doesn’t know how he got to this point, but he’s not so sure he ever wants to go back.

Sometimes he’s so overwhelmed with trying to separate Emma and his ex that he feels like he’s going to keel over. He still does, like last night. He returned to his room after hugging Emma and immediately vomited in his bathroom. Or when he kissed her cheek the other night, he felt sick the following hours after that.

It’s not Emma’s fault—it will never be her fault. It’s his ex’s fault for turning him into this fuckup. He’d always been sort of a mess before he met her, but she turned him into someone almost unrecognizable. He gets so confused trying to differentiate Emma and her that it fucks with his head and makes him physically ill.

But he’s kind of got it figured out. He’s not as confused around Emma anymore. He’s confident that she won’t hurt him like she did. He’s starting to warm up to her now.

And it’s clear she’s starting to warm up to him too. They’re hanging out more, sharing more conversations with each other. She even brought him coffee today (well, she brought coffee for the entire band but he likes to pretend it was only for him).

And he’s caught her lingering stares. Like this morning, when she was in his room. He could feel her eyes burning into his skin, trailing down from his face to his shoulders, his chest, his abs— but she looked away. He felt a familiar pang in his chest but he had to remind himself Emma is not her. There will be fleeting glances and embarrassed faces with Emma—not repulsed faces and harsh words like with his ex.

He can feel Emma’s eyes on him now, in the dressing room. He’s standing with just his loose pants and tabi shoes on while his body is being painted, and he feels so exposed. But he’s basking in the way she’s looking at him.

And then he feels a pang in his chest. Not like before, not like anything he’s ever felt before. This feels different. And he’s pretty sure he knows why.

Emma doesn’t see him like he sees her. She sees him as a friend, a companion. And he’s not so sure he has everything figured out yet. Maybe he’s just clinging to the fleeting feeling of what he once had, associating that feeling with Emma instead. But he’s certain that whatever he’s feeling right now is not reciprocated.

Luke pushes it to the back of his mind. That’s not what he needs to focus on right now. He needs to focus on the show tonight. He’ll figure out whatever the fuck is wrong with him later.

Chapter Text

ᯓ★

He’s standing in the dressing room, his arms out on either side so he can be painted properly. He’s looking around the dressing room to occupy his mind until he’s finished, chewing on his bottom lip. He catches sight of Emma across the room with Liam and Alex, seemingly showing them some of the pictures she’d gotten yesterday that she hasn’t yet edited. Liam has his arm around her shoulders and Luke can’t help the swell of envy he feels.

They’re just friends, he has to remind himself. Emma and Liam are just friends. Emma and himself are just friends.

He hates feeling this way. He barely knows her and he’s practically drooling over her already, and he knows she doesn’t feel the same way about him. Luke huffs, turning his attention to the makeup artist working on painting his shoulders now. He’s still thinking about her, in the back of his mind.

Sometimes it confuses him—trying to find the difference between Emma and his ex. But he’s slowly figuring it out. Emma would never hurt him like she did. Emma is an example of who she wishes she could be. He and Emma share fleeting glances and sheepish expressions, they share meaningful conversations and heartfelt moments. Nothing like what he had with his ex.

He thinks back to yesterday morning, when Emma was in his room. He can still clearly remember the way she looked at him when he sat up in bed, her cheeks pink. He can still feel her gaze burning into his skin as it trailed lower— and then it was gone and she was looking away, obviously embarrassed at being caught staring. Luke didn’t mind, however. He’s used to the attention, in a way. He knows he has an ideal body, he knows how the world feels about his physique so he understands where Emma’s coming from. It was a normal reaction for her, but for him…

His cock twitched in his pants just thinking about her eyes on him. Luke silently prays his makeup artist will be finished soon so he can get out of here, hoping his newfound arousal isn’t too noticeable to anyone else but him.

Emma’s crossing the room over to him and he feels his heart skip a few beats. His mind is jumping between his show in just a little less than an hour, between Emma, his interaction with her yesterday morning, and his half chub in his pants. He hopes she can’t see his panic on his face as she approaches.

“I have some photos from last night,” Emma began. “I wanted to post some of them on my own Instagram, if you don’t mind. Maybe some of the backstage ones?”

Luke shrugged. “I don’t mind. Could you— do you think you can send me your Instagram?”

Emma raised her brows. “Sure, I can do that.”

Luke watched as she set her camera down and fished through her pockets for her phone. He caught a glimpse of her home screen, a picture of her and another girl—probably her best friend, if he had to guess. Emma was wearing the biggest smile he’d ever seen in that picture. “Who is that?” he nodded towards her phone.

“Oh, Maxine,” she responded. “We’ve been friends since we were 11. She knows everything about me.”

“Kind of like Jude and I,” Luke murmured.

“How long have you and Jude been friends?”

“13 years.”

Emma met his eyes and he couldn’t help the way his stomach turned in knots. His cock twitched in his pants at the thought of her eyes trailing over his body. He needs to get out of here. He felt every stroke of the brush against his skin. Every article of clothing on his felt too close, too tight. Emma was standing too close to him.

“Okay, you’re done,” his makeup artist told him. Luke quickly turned foot and hurried to the bathroom, locking himself inside.

Their show starts in just an hour and he’s locked himself in the bathroom, pacing back and forth, head in his hands.

Between their show last night and now, he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about Emma. They’ve shared more than just the fleeting glances and flushed faces after the show yesterday and it’s starting to get to him. He can feel the hard-on he’s given himself just from thinking about her, and it’s growing increasingly bothersome the longer it goes without any attention.

Quickly, Luke undoes his belt and lets his pants fall to his ankles. He leans up against the wall, looking down at his erection. He slowly wraps his hand around it, stroking the base tentatively. He closes his eyes, head tilted back, thinking about anything and everything that may help him get off. His imagination starts to take the lead and he imagines her hand around him, stroking the length of his cock, and he can’t help the way he bucks into his own fist.

“Fuck,” Luke pants. He’s imagining her on her knees in front of him, taking him down her throat. He wants nothing more than for that fantasy to become reality, he wants to feel the wet warmth of her lips wrapped around his tip, or the spasm of her throat as she gags around his length.

His hand quickens its pace, his breath coming in short, desperate pants. He can feel his release coiling up in his stomach, his insides twisting around into a knot. His legs are beginning to shake, but he’s not close enough yet. Luke squeezes his eyes shut, his face screwed up, imagining her looking up at him with those pretty blue eyes—the same blue eyes that practically undressed the rest of him back in the hotel room. Those same eyes that burn into his skin and leave him hot and bothered.

“Emma— ah,” Luke groans. He bucks up into his fist, feeling the soles of his feet begin to burn, his legs begin to quake. He’s close now, just a little more—

He’s coming into his hand not even a few seconds later, heart pounding against his chest. His head is tilted back against the wall, shoulders slouched, breath coming in deep breaths as he comes down from his high. He looks down at his once charcoal-painted palm, which is now white with his come.

Outside, he can hear voices, and his heart plummets into his stomach. It’s dawning on him now, what he just did. Fuck, he feels so gross getting so turned on at the mere thought of the way she looks at him. He’s remembering the things he imagined Emma doing to him and he feels like he’s going to vomit. He feels so guilty, thinking that way of her.

Only because he’s certain she thinks nothing more of him than a friend.

Luke pulls up his pants and shuffles over to the sink to wash his hands. He buckles up his belt once more and, once he’s sure he no longer looks flustered and his hands are clean, he slips out of the bathroom. He makes the walk of shame back to the dressing room where the rest of his costume is, where the rest of the band is. He tries his best to school his features into neutrality but he’s sure there’s a fault in his facade somewhere.

He locks eyes with Emma but he forces himself to look away quickly. He feels so guilty after that… God, if only she knew what she did to him.

Luke checks the time and sees he’s only left with 40 minutes before they go on stage. He quickly shrugs on his cloak, while the crew member in charge of the outfits helps him out on his feathers. Another person is helping him out on his pauldron. Luke turns and grabs his mask, slipping it on over his face and pulling his hood over his head. He looks at himself in the mirror at the very back of the dressing room and observes his new look.

He looks like a completely different person now. He feels like a completely different person now. He slips on his rings and clips his necklace around his neck, and decides his outfit is complete.

The others are in their costumes too, and he follows them out of the dressing rock towards the green room.

“‘s the bathroom hot?” Liam murmured in his ear. Luke whipped around to face him, heart in his throat.

“What?” Luke asks.

“Came back looking a little sweaty,” Liam explained, but there’s a lilt in his voice that tells Luke he knows something. Luke wrinkles his nose.

“Yeah, a little,” is all he says in reply.

ᯓ★

Emma’s standing backstage now, her camera in hand. The boys are grabbing their instruments and making sure their in-ears are working still. Emma’s standing a little ways off to the side, looking around the backstage nervously. She’s feeling a bit nervous, like she always does before shows. Granted, she’s not a part of the actual band, but there’s still an exception for her to do her job correctly, to get a desirable outcome.

The boys are given their cues and she watches as they make their way onstage. The curtain is up and the beginning of Look To Windward starts playing. She hears Luke begin to sing and the music begins to amp up. Her heart is beating quicker now, she can feel the adrenaline begin to pump through her veins. Is this how the people in the crowd must feel? Is this how the band feels?

The music suddenly stops, she hears Luke whisper into the microphone. Lights begin to flash and the curtain falls, and the crowd is screaming. They’re so loud. When Emma heard them last night, it blew her mind. Now, she has a chance to revel in the excitement.

She runs in front of the stage as Luke makes his way to the catwalk, quickly snapping a few shots from her position below him. She looks back behind her briefly at the fans standing at the barricade. They look so excited, so mesmerized by the music, it’s astonishing.

Even though she’s had her doubts about this job before, she’s glad she never backed out, or she would be missing out on this. 

For the rest of their set, Emma continued to run back and forth in front and behind the stage to get the appropriate shots. They finished out with Take Me Back To Eden, a personal favorite of hers, and she watched from the front of the stage as they took their bows and as Luke thanked the crowd. Then they made their way backstage. Emma quickly followed suit, meeting them backstage to congratulate them on the show.

“That was amazing!” she chirped. Liam was already taking off his mask, sweat dripping from his face.

“Thanks, love,” he told her, setting his mask aside. “Fuck, it’s hot.”

“I bet, after all that moving around,” she said. She offered him a water bottle and he took his gratefully.

“I’m ready for a shower,” Jude announced as he brushed past them. Alex was handing off his guitar to his guitar tech, and Luke was standing a little ways off, taking out his in-ears and sound pack. He handed them off to a crew member, talking rapidly, but Emma couldn’t make out anything that was said.

“I think he fancies you,” Liam told her suddenly. Emma looked at him incredulously.

“Why would you ever say that?” she asked him. Liam offered her a half-hearted shrug before walking off.

“Great show,” Luke told her as he approached. Emma nudged him with her elbow, a huge smile on her face.

“You did amazing!” she exclaimed. “I’m blown away.”

Luke flashed her a brief smile before stalking away. Emma felt a little confused, but brushed it off as nothing more than he’s just tired. He just played a show, for fuck’s sake. She followed him outside, where she watched the band disappear into the dressing room. She lifted her camera in her hands and flipped through the various pictures she took tonight, deciding she won’t know which ones are her favorites until she edits them tonight.

She decided not to wait up on the guys this time, instead choosing to head back to the hotel. She shot Liam a quick text explaining this, but nothing more.

Once she was back in her room, Emma took out her laptop and plugged her camera’s USB cable to it. She began uploading all her pictures to it. She clicked through the images she uploaded, her mind wandering back to what seemed to be the hottest topic lately: Luke.

He’s plagued her mind for weeks now, since even before they became friends. But now that they’ve grown closer, he’s on her mind all the time. She just wants to find a way to help him get better, to help him move past all this hurt he’s been feeling.

And also… she’s pretty sure Liam is correct about Luke. She’s seen the way he’s been looking at her lately, and she’s starting to doubt that his kiss the other night was just a friendly gesture.

Luke is a nice guy, and he’s definitely attractive in Emma’s eyes, she just thinks he’s moving too fast. Additionally, it’s painfully obvious that he’s not quite over Missy.

Emma had gotten through editing a few pictures before someone came knocking on her door. She saved her progress, shut her laptop, and answered the door. Liam was standing on the other side, a faint pink tint to his skin after scrubbing off all the paint. He was holding a case of beers in his hand, a hopeful look on his face.

“We bought drinks if you wanna come to my room,” he offered. Emma was thoughtful for a moment, weighing the options of getting drunk or finishing editing her pictures. “Everyone’s going to be there, it’ll be fun,” Liam urged. Emma obliged him, but she knew deep down that she would have given regardless. She followed him to the next door down.

The rest of the band were already in his room. Luke was lying in the bed, limbs sprawled out. Jude was sitting at his feet, and Alex was standing at the foot of the bed. Liam strode in with the beers, setting them down on the desk beneath the TV. He handed Emma a beer, and she took the opportunity to crack open the bottle with her teeth.

“Is that your party trick?” Liam teased.

Emma felt her cheeks flush. “Yeah, I learned it in high school.”

“Underage drinking?” Alex smirked. “I didn’t take you as someone that did that.”

“That’s how I got away with it.” She winked at him, taking a swig of her beer. Luke brushed past her, grabbing a beer for himself. He used a bottle opener to open it, clacking the bottoms of his and her bottles together.

“Let’s play a game,” Liam proposed.

Jude shot him a skeptical look. “A game? Like we’re not all adults?”

“Don’t be a loser,” Liam shot. “It’ll be fun.”

“What are we playing?” Alex piped up.

“Never Have I Ever! Everyone gather ‘round. Take a seat if you must.” He leaned against the desk, arms crossed over his chest. “Do we all know how to play?”

“We’re not stupid,” Jude snapped. “Hurry up, I want to play.”

Liam shot Jude a look. “I’ll go first then. Never have I ever… gone commando.”

It felt as though all eyes in the room turned to look at Luke. Emma screwed her face up. “Seriously?” she asked him.

“Oh, you don’t even know,” Alex laughed. “He wears absolutely nothing during shows.”

Emma felt her face flush. She’d always suspected, from the few videos she’d seen and the few raunchy comments she read under the posts, but she never really expected it to be true. She rolled her eyes at Luke, a grin on her face.

Luke cleared his throat, shooting a dirty look at Liam. “Okay, never have I ever given head.”

“What?” Liam cried out. “You can’t do that!”

“You did it to me!” Luke pointed out.

Alex leaned in close to murmur into her ear: “Luke walked in on Liam giving head to Jude one time.”

“What?” Emma nearly choked on her own spit. “I mean— I never expected—“

“There’s a lot you don’t know.”

Jude spoke up this time. “Okay! My turn! Stop arguing like little girls. Never have I ever gone skinny dipping.”

It was Emma’s turn to raise her hand, which earned her a few questioning glances from the guys. Her cheeks flushed in embarrassment. “I’ve had a few drunken instances back in high school,” was all she told them. “Okay, uh… Never have I ever masturbated to someone I know.”

Liam burst out laughing, but Emma didn’t miss the way Luke swallowed thickly, looking anywhere but her face. She saw in the corner of her eye that Jude had raised his hand.

“Who?” Emma asked.

“An ex-girlfriend,” Jude said bluntly.

“What about you, Luke?” Liam asked pointedly. Luke groaned, head in his hands.

“A— a girl,” he said nervously. “It doesn’t matter.”

“When?” Liam urged.

Jude scoffed. “Leave him alone. You don’t want anyone pestering you about when you wank, do you?”

They continued playing Never Have I Ever for a few more rounds until everyone got bored of it. They stayed and talked for a while, but Emma could tell Luke was being a bit skittish around her. Their conversations were awkward, short-lived. He never met her eye, and he seemed to be avoiding her for the better part of the night. It confused her. She thought they were doing so well, she thought he liked her, even. Now it just seemed like they were slowly going backwards in the progress they made.

After a few failed attempts at trying to hold a conversation with him tonight, Emma began to grow frustrated with him. She didn’t want to do this with him again. She wanted them to be on good terms—not whatever the hell is going on here.

Back at Rock am Ring, Emma suspected he was being a little weird when he only said two words to her before running off. They had been doing so well just mere minutes ago, playing Never Have I Ever together. What went wrong in those few minutes?

She checked the time to see it was almost four in the morning. “I’m going back to my room,” she announced. “I’ll see you guys later.”

She cast one last look back at Luke before slipping into the hallway. She was just tired—tired from being up since 7 am yesterday, tired of trying to make sense of Luke when obviously he was shutting her out.

“Emma,” she heard Luke say behind her. She turned to look at him, fighting the urge to roll her eyes and scoff at him.

“What? Here to cut this conversation short too?” she snapped. “I thought you liked me Luke. What are you doing?”

He flinched at her strong tone. “That’s the problem,” he sighed. “I do like you. A lot. Like, so much I can’t think straight.”

Emma just stared at him. Is he saying what she thinks he’s saying?

He continued on, “and I hate that I’ve been such a dick to you. I didn’t mean to shut you out tonight.”

“You didn’t mean to?” Emma asked incredulously. “Tell me why and maybe I’ll think about forgiving you.”

Luke’s eyes widened. He opened his mouth to speak but quickly snapped it shut, shaking his head no. Emma scoffed and turned to unlock her door. “Good night Luke,” she told him just as she was about to step inside.

“I jerked off to you!” he blurted. Emma’s heart stopped.

“What?”

“Earlier… before the show,” he admitted. “That’s what Liam was getting at earlier. Fuck, and I feel so guilty. I feel gross just thinking about it. I’m so fucking sorry Emma—“

She guffawed. “What?”

Luke blinked at her. “You’re not mad?”

She shook her head. “I couldn’t care less what you do in your free time, Luke. I just… didn’t know you thought about me like that.”

“I actually… think about you a lot,” he admitted sheepishly. “I’m sorry Emma. Saying that outloud makes me sound like a fucking creep.”

“No, it’s okay. You’ve kind of been on my mind too.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Sometimes I see the way you look at me and wonder if you see me as more than a friend, and I’ve thought about how I feel about you too.”

Luke stepped closer to her, the distance between them growing smaller and smaller. Emma could feel her heart pounding against her ribs. She looked up at him, feeling his hand cup her cheek. She felt her breath catch in her lungs when she met his gaze.

“Can I kiss you?” he asked tentatively. Emma nodded, a subtle motion, but he managed to catch it. He craned his neck, and she stood up on her toes, arms wrapping around his neck. Luke slotted his hands against her hips and pulled her impossibly closer to him, but he didn't kiss her yet. His lips brushed hers, his breath fanning against her skin, like he was hesitating. After a heartbeat, however, he kissed her.

Emma’s kissed plenty of people before. She’s even made out with a few. But none have ever made her feel this type of way before. Her skin felt like it was on fire everywhere he touched her, her heart beating impossibly fast. Something coiled inside her, twisting into knots inside her stomach. Luke kissed her fervently, like he’s been waiting for this exact moment for ages. Like he wanted to taste every bit of her. He nipped at her bottom lip and Emma gasped in response. He took this opportunity to slip his tongue inside her mouth.

He’s a damn good kisser, Emma realized. He feels perfect against her like this and yet… something feels off. They shouldn’t be doing this—not with the state he’s in currently. Emma pulled away, panting. She looked up at him to find he was watching her intently.

Emma touched her lips while she tried to find her voice again. “Luke…”

“Emma?” he urged her.

She pulled away from him at last, reaching for her door again. “You’re not over your ex yet. We can’t do this.”

Luke’s eyes widened. He looked genuinely hurt and it pained Emma to do this to him, but she knows what he needs right now and it’s not her. He needs help, not some fling with her. She shook her head, choosing to look anywhere but him. She can’t look at him.

“Emma—“

“Good night, Luke.”

And with that, Emma unlocked her door again and slipped back into her room. She felt absolutely terrible for pushing him away like that, but she knows it’s not right. Luke needs to learn to live without his ex before he can pursue something new. Her suspicions about him proved to be right after all, and maybe… Maybe it’s best to just keep her distance for a little after tonight. For both their sake’s.

Chapter Text

ᯓ★

He’s a fool. He knew he was moving too fast, but he thought the feeling was mutual. He thought…

No, it doesn’t matter what he thought. What he was was wrong and whatever was going on between him and Emma is now tarnished. He fucked it up—like he does with everything else.

The way she looked at him before she walked off… it stung. It felt like he was thrown back in time, back to when he was with her. The way she looked at him with nothing but regret and disgust.

He thought Emma was different from that.

He thought wrong.

He’s sitting in his hotel room. All the lights are off, his only light source being the sliver of sunlight creeping through the crack between the curtains. He’s wrapped up in his covers, his belongings strewn all over his room. They’re heading back to the UK today and none of his things are packed. He can’t even bring himself to sit up in bed, let alone get up and get ready. He feels pathetic. He should have never done that, he should have never let himself think there was something brewing between him and Emma.

His phone is steadily buzzing on the nightstand next to him but he doesn’t bother to check it. He can’t check it. He’s too caught up in his own feelings at the moment to give a shit about anything else.

And he confessed everything to her last night. He groaned out of embarrassment, hiding his face in the covers. He can’t believe he did that.

Suddenly, his door opens. Luke shoots up in bed, whipping around to face the door. His heart rate slows when he realizes it’s just Jude; he has Luke’s extra key to his room.

“Luke, what the hell?” he chided. “I’ve been trying to reach you all morning. What are you doing?”

“Leave me alone,” Luke grumbled. Jude’s hands fell to his sides and he crossed the room to stand at the foot of the bed.

“Are you okay?” he asked, his tone suddenly softer, more concerned than before. Luke was silent. “Luke… what’s going on?”

Jude squeezed Luke’s foot, giving it a gentle shake. He sat near the foot of the bed, running his hand up to Luke’s calf and giving him another squeeze.

“I fucked up,” Luke admitted finally. He could feel that tell-tale lump in his throat, the sting of tears in his eyes. He feels so weak. He hates himself for feeling this way. He thought he was getting better and then it all just crashed around him. Again.

“What do you mean?” Jude urged him gently.

“Last night… I kissed Emma.”

“And?”

“And she told me we wouldn’t work, because she knows I’m not over Missy.” He pulled his pillow over his head, letting out a long and heavy sigh. He didn’t have to look at Jude’s face to see the look of pity on it. Pity . He pitied Luke.

“Luke…”

“I want to be alone.”

“You need to get up. You need to be around people,” Jude told him. 

“Don’t tell me what I need,” Luke snapped suddenly. He sat up in bed, meeting Jude’s eyes. Jude looked… genuinely worried. Granted, he looks worried all the time, but Luke’s never seen him look this concerned for his well-being since he left Missy.

“You seem to do better around other people,” was all Jude told him before rising to his feet and crossing the room to the door. “Make sure you get packed. We have to leave soon.”

“Jude— wait,” Luke said quickly. “I’m sorry. Please stay.”

“I’m sorry that happened to you Luke, but maybe Emma’s right: maybe you're not quite over Missy. You two were together for a while, and she manipulated the hell out of you. It makes sense for you to still be caught up on what happened.”

“What are you saying?”

“Maybe you were moving too fast, for both your guys’ sakes. Maybe you need to keep your space from Emma until you’ve got everything worked out.”

Luke sat with his shoulders hunched over, wringing his hands together in his lap. “What if that takes too long?”

“Then perhaps you two aren’t meant to be together.”

Luke swallowed thickly. “What if I don’t ever get better? I mean— it’s been years. ”

Jude came to stand at the foot of Luke’s bed again. “Missy also fucked you up, bad. It might take years for you to get better.”

Luke brought his hands to his face, heaving a heavy sigh. He’s tired of feeling this way. At first, he clung to the empty feeling in his chest because he thought it was a reminder of the fact that, at one point, Missy did love him, that the moments they shared together were in fact genuine. That she did reciprocate the love he felt for her. He didn’t want to let go of that feeling because he was scared he would lose what little he had left of Missy, but now he loathes this feeling. He hates it, he wants it gone. Emma helped him realize that.

And he wants to feel happy again. He wants that feeling Emma gave him every time they were together. He wants to feel whole. 

“Fuck.” He cursed the way his voice broke as he spoke. He felt so small, so incredibly minuscule. He hated that Jude had to see him like this again, he hated being such a burden to his friend. Luke blinked rapidly, head tilted back in order to fight back the tears that threatened to spill over.

Jude was enveloping him in a hug within seconds, running his delicate fingers through Luke’s sleep tousled hair. “You’ve come so far already,” Jude murmured to him. He held Luke like this for a while, neither of them saying anything. Luke pulled away eventually, saying he needs to get packed before they leave for the airport.

Jude helped him pack his things, and soon enough they were headed out the hotel and making their way to the airport. The others were a little behind them, Jude informed Luke, and they would be arriving at the airport a little bit after them.

After they went through security, Luke took a seat at their designated boarding gate and pulled his headphones and hood over his head. Jude sat next to him, neither of them speaking.

Luke was dreading the moment he would have to face Emma again. He didn’t know if he would be able to handle it, looking her in the eye, being around her. He felt an ache in his chest and a sting in his eyes. He exhaled sharply, bringing one of the strings of his hoodie to his mouth to chew on it. He felt a hand on his arm and looked up to see Jude looking at him. Luke slid off his headphones.

“What?” he asked.

“Are you okay?” Jude asked him genuinely.

Luke nodded slowly. “‘m fine. You don’t have to baby me.”

“I know. I just worry.”

Luke snorted. “You sound like my mum.”

He heard the distant sound of Liam’s voice above the crowd and his head snapped in the direction it came from. Alex walked beside him, but he couldn’t see Emma. His heart skipped a beat at the thought of her, but he had to remind himself that they’re nothing now. There’s nothing going on between them anymore. Emma doesn’t want him.

“Hey—“ Liam began cheerfully, but his voice faltered when his eyes landed on Luke— “are you okay?”

“I’m good,” Luke muttered.

“You look like shit,” Liam told him bluntly.

“Liam, seriously?” Jude smacked the bassist on his arm. “What the fuck?”

“Sorry, sorry. That’s my fault, mate.”

Luke just rolled his eyes and slid his headphones back over his ears. He tried to entertain himself on his phone while they waited for their flight to be called, but he was mindlessly bored. He couldn’t stop thinking about the newfound and nagging ache in his chest. His lips burned at the thought of his and Emma’s kiss last night. He could feel her lips ghosting over his, could still taste her on his tongue, and he craves more but he knows he can’t have it.

God, he’s such an idiot. He should have never gotten close to her because then he wouldn’t be feeling like this.

He feels disgusting just thinking about what he did to the mere thought of her last night. He can’t believe he allowed himself to think of her that way, to touch himself to the fantasies he crafted around her.

He looks up just as Emma approaches and he feels his heart jump into his throat. He feels like he’s going to be sick just being around her. Luke feels Jude’s hand on his arm, something he’s secretly thankful for. It grounded him, in a way, it kept his mind in the present.

Luke tried his best to avoid any type of interaction with Emma until their flight was called. He let out a sigh of relief when Jude judged his shoulder to let him know their flight was just called, and Luke wasted no time getting to his feet and boarding the plane. He chose a window seat next to Jude, and Alex and Liam sat across the aisle from them. Emma sat behind Alex and Liam, next to a stranger. Luke felt a little sorry for her, but he couldn’t dwell on the thought of her for too long or he’d start to spiral. Instead, he leaned his head back against the headrest and closed his eyes in hopes of getting a little sleep before they arrived back in the UK.

He can’t help but beat himself up over how everything went to shit. It’s his fault things are weird between him and Emma now. It’s his fault he feels this way.

Thankfully, he was able to catch some sleep before they landed. He woke to Jude nudging his shoulder and gesturing to the aisle. Luke sat up in his seat, slid his headphones off his ears.

“Fuck, I shouldn’t have done that,” Luke cursed.

“Hurt your back?” Jude inquired. Luke murmured an affirmation. The plane landed not long after and, slowly but surely, they filed off the plane. Luke and Jude found their luggage, already making their way out of the airport to call a cab for themselves.

“You don’t want to wait for the others?” Jude asked him. Luke hesitated. If things were different, he would have considered waiting, but things aren’t different. He can’t go back in time and fix everything, he has to live with what he did, so he shakes his head.

Their cab arrives after a while and Luke and Jude climb into the back. The ride is silent. Luke has music blasting into his ears in hopes of drowning out his thoughts. He can’t bear to think anymore, he’ll just dig himself a deeper hole.

When they make it back into their shared flat, Luke immediately drops his luggage off in the living room and retreats to his bedroom. His room is dark. Quiet. Lonely. He hates it, but he has nowhere else to go. He took a stumble with his drinking problem and he doesn’t want to go down that path again, so he can’t go to the bar and drink his problems away again. Luke kicks off his shoes and throws himself into bed, covering his head with his pillow.

He hates being here. This place only serves as a reminder of his past trauma. Everytime he looks around his room, he’s reminded of Missy, and it infuriates him. He doesn’t want to feel like this anymore. He doesn’t want to feel small, meek. He wants to feel like… like Vessel. He’s always chasing the feeling the mask gives him: sense of security, newfound confidence, pride—a feeling like no other. The mask makes him feel unstoppable.

But here, without the mask, without the paint, or the cloak, or the microphone in his hand, Luke feels like nothing. Like nobody.

He shoves the pillow off of him and rolls over to not his back, staring up at his ceiling. He feels tears prick his eyes, that familiar lump in his throat. He’s trying his hardest not to cry but it’s so difficult. He wishes he was ober Missy, that Emma couldn’t read him like an open book, because he’s sure he and Emma could have worked out together.

No, they couldn’t have. Because Emma doesn’t see him as anything more than a friend. She only used him being hung up on Missy as an excuse. Everything that happened back in Nuremberg meant nothing now.

He means nothing to Emma.

ᯓ★

“Hey, do you know what’s up with Luke?” Liam suddenly asked her. Emma looked up at him with wide eyes, shaking her head.

“No,” she said gruffly.

“I thought he would’ve told you,” Liam went on. “You two seem pretty close now, yeah? I think he fancies you—“

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Emma suddenly snapped. Liam blinked down at her, obviously taken aback by her uncharacteristic reaction.

“Did something happen between you two?” he asked her, more gently this time. E,ma swallowed back her retort, and instead chose to look out the window of their cab instead. “Oh… Well, you know you can always talk to me about it.”

“Nothing happened,” Emma told him.

“If nothing happened, then you wouldn’t be acting like this,” Liam pointed out. Emma cursed herself silently, realizing Liam knows her better than she initially thought he did.

“It’s complicated.”

“How complicated?”

Emma cast Liam a sideways glance, fighting the urge to snap at him. She can’t take her frustrations out on him, no matter how annoying he’s being right now. So, instead, she tells him about what happened instead. Well, part of what happened, anyway.

“Luke and I talked last night, after I left your room, and he…” she trailed off, trying to think of what to say next. After a moment, she just shrugged and shook her head.

“You don’t have to tell me if you’re not ready.” Liam gave her knee a squeeze, casting her a reassuring look. Emma tried to return the expression but she couldn’t find it in her.

She sighed heavily. “I just don’t think he’s over his ex; he’s moving too quickly for his own good. So I think it’s best if I keep my distance from him.”

Liam’s eyes widened in realization. “He made a move?”

Emma gave a half-hearted shrug. “Not exactly,” she lied. “I just don’t feel the same way about him as he does about me.”

“Damn,” Liam breathed. “This is… going to be fun to deal with later on.”

“Fuck you,” Emma scoffed. She looked back out the window, feeling like there was a weight upon her shoulders. She feels horrible for what she did to Luke, but she was saving them both from the heartbreak. She’s not quite sure how she feels about him yet. He’s on her mind constantly, he’s a nice guy, but he’s still too hung up on his ex for her. She’s not even sure she’s gotten to know him enough to want to be with him. She doesn’t know why she let him kiss her, and she feels fucking horrible for rejecting him immediately afterwards.

It’s like… he’s hurt, and he can’t decide between if he wants to get better or stay hurting.

Emma pushes the thought to the back of her head, deciding that she’s done with that topic today. She wants to focus on decompressing after— everything. She just needs a few moments where she doesn’t think about anything.

Emma’s back home in her flat. She relishes in the smell—the smell of home. After the tour with Spiritbox ended, she was starting to grow sick of being home all the time after just a mere week, but after being gone for a few days, she began to realize just how much she missed the comfort of her own home.

She toed off her shoes and immediately plopped down onto her couch. She started up at her ceiling for a while, wondering what exactly she should do now that she’s home. She caught sight of her phone on the couch next to her and decided she should invite Maxine over.

It certainly didn’t take long for Max to show up to her flat. Within 30 minutes of Emma calling her, Max was stepping through the door, discarding her things on the floor next to the door and rushing over to pull Emma into a tight hug.

“Oh, I missed you!” Max squealed.

“I missed you too,” Emma told her. She pulled away and met her best friend’s eyes. She needed to tell her everything that happened.

Max grinned. “I know that look! Spill! Tell me everything that happened!”

“Well, for starters, the show was incredible. Sleep Token played one of the best sets I’ve ever seen. And I got some insane pictures, if you want to see—“

“I don’t want to know about the show! I want to know about the guys,” Max interrupted her. Emma suddenly remembered the guilt weighing her down, and she wished she could just go back in time and fix it all, but she can’t. The damage is done.

“God… uhm.. where do I even start?” she said finally.

“What happened?” Max sounded concerned for her now. Emma could see the worry written all over her face and it just deepened the pit in her stomach.

“Luke and I… I don’t know what we are anymore. Certainly not friends—not after what happened.” She was silent while she tried to find the correct words to describe just exactly what went down in that hotel hallway. Between the alcohol and her sleep deprived state, she found it hard to remember all the details. “He kissed me.”

Emma brought her fingers to her lips, feeling them, as if her fingers could replicate the feeling of Luke’s lips brushing against hers just before he kissed her. She can still remember the way his breath fanned against her skin, the way he kissed her with such ferocity and such need. Like a starving animal. It’s almost as if she can still taste him too—a mixture of things, but above all: alcohol. But she could also taste the need that possessed his body.

“And I rejected him,” Emma said at last. “I told him we couldn’t do—“ she gestured to the space between them— “this.”

Max just stared at her dumbly, eyes wide and mouth agape. Emma cocked her head, silently willing her best friend to say something. “Emma… are you fucking stupid?”

“What?”

“Obviously, if he’s come this far to get to know you after hating you so much, he must really want you,” Max pointed out. “I think he is over his ex, if he’s trying to pursue you. Maybe he sees something in you that he never saw in her.”

Emma shook her head. “That ship has already sailed. There’s no going back now.”

“Yes there is! Call him right now and tell him how you really feel.” Max waved Emma’s phone in front of her but Emma only pushed it away.

“I don’t… feel anything for him,” Emma insisted— lied.

She has to feel something, she must, because if she didn’t she wouldn’t feel like such a dickhead for pushing him away. Up until recently, she was convinced that she and Luke were just friends. But even just a little bit before that, she was convinced they were acquaintances at most.

She knows she fucked up. But now the damage is done and she’s not sure if she can ever go back. God, he wouldn’t even look at her earlier. He must resent her now. She feels horrible.

Chapter Text

ᯓ★

Only four days until Download.

Only four days to herself, then she would be forced to see Luke again.

Emma groaned, dropping her head into her hands. Why did she say the things she did? Why couldn’t she not have kissed him, and just told him she only sees him as a friend? It would’ve saved them both so much trouble.

She forced herself up out of her bed. She couldn’t dwell on the past anymore, she needs to get up and be productive—anything to get her mind off things.

She has a gig today. She booked it with a couple a few weeks ago, and so she’s supposed to meet them at their house later. It’s a boudoir photoshoot, of course, some of Emma’s favorite shoots to do.

Not because she’s a pervert, but because she helps these people feel good about themselves, and she captures that moment in time for them to keep forever. She loves to see people loving themselves—it’s such a beautiful sight.

Before Emma gets dressed however, she opens up her nightstand and pulls out a box—cigarettes.

She doesn’t usually smoke and she hates when people do it. Call her a hypocrite if you must, but the stress of everything has been getting to her lately and she’s found herself craving one more often than not. She grabs a lighter and steps outside to light the cigarette.

She takes a drag, lets the smoke curl in her lungs and burn her throat, and exhales slowly. She knows she shouldn’t be doing this but she’s been doing so well with staying healthy lately, she can allow herself this just once.

Emma takes another drag of her cigarette, eyes closed and head leaned back against the wall. Her phone buzzes in her pocket and she groans as she pulls it out to see Liam’s calling her. Emma can’t help but roll her eyes. She loves Liam but man, he seems to be everywhere lately.

“Hello?” Emma asked, phone held up to her ear.

“My favorite lady!” Liam exclaimed through the line. “Are you busy tonight? Wanna come over?”

Emma thought for a moment. After 3pm today, her photoshoot should be over. But… What if Luke’s there? “I don’t know…”

“Don’t worry, it’ll just be us. No angsty teenagers,” he joked. Emma let out a sigh of relief.

“Sure, then. I have a gig today but after that, I should be free. Why don’t you spend your free time meeting nice ladies?”

Liam guffawed. “I like spending time with my friends more than wasting it on fleeting relationships.”

Emma just shrugged, though she knew he couldn’t see it. “I’ll text you when I’m free then. Bye Liam—“

“Wait Emma,” he said quickly. “Don’t… be weird around Luke, please. He doesn’t like to admit it but he’s fragile. Just try to be his friend again.”

Emma paused. There’s so much she wants to say all at once and yet, she can’t seem to find the words. “Bye Liam,” she said at last. She hung up the phone, took one look at the cigarette between her fingers, and felt a surge of frustration within her. She’s tired of everytime bugging her about Luke. She’s made up her mind: whatever was going on between them—even if it was nothing—can’t happen anymore. He’s clearly not over his ex and it’s obvious how much he’s still hurting inside.

Emma doesn’t want to be the one responsible for his feelings in the future. She wants him to figure out how to get better himself. She wants him to realize it’s possible to live life without Missy, and then maybe she’ll consider letting him back in.

She just feels horrible for pushing him away. She’s not a monster, she feels remorse, regret, guilt—all of the above. She just needs Luke to understand he can’t let others fight his battles for him. If he wants to get better, if he wants to move past all his hurt and trauma, he’s going to have to be the one to realize this. He’s going to have to be the one to take the first steps towards recovery. And him wallowing in all his feelings and drowning his emotions in alcohol isn’t helping him at all.

Emma took another drag of her cigarette, letting it burn the inside of her lungs. Smoke curled around her lips as she exhaled sharply. She watched as it dissipated into the air, then she took another drag. She can only imagine how Luke must be feeling right now. She knows he feels things strongly, and it all just happened so suddenly. But before that night in Germany, he didn’t like her at all. Maybe… rejecting him was the right thing to do after all.

Emma dropped her cigarette to the ground and stomped it out. She stepped back inside her flat and began getting ready for today.

She looked at herself in the mirror, scrutinizing her outfit. She wore her old Tate McRae jersey and jorts, but something felt off about her outfit. She looked herself over, finally realizing she was missing her rings. She picked her rings up off her dresser and slipped them on.

She paused, looking down at Bella’s engagement ring on her finger. At first, it reminded her of her favorite (and awfully cheesy) movies, but now it just reminds her of Luke. He’s everywhere, it seems. She can’t quite escape him even if she wanted to.

Pushing all that aside, Emma grabbed her equipment and shot a quick text to her clients that she’d be there soon.

ᯓ★

He’s playing his keyboard for the first time in what felt like forever. Realistically, it’s only been a week and some change. Luke is staring down at the keys as he plays. He doesn’t need sheet music or an online guide, he knows these notes by heart. He created this song, put every broken fragment of his heart into his instruments, but every emotion he’s ever felt behind the lyrics.

Bloodsport, one of his most emotionally vulnerable songs. Atlantic is the other, he thinks. Both of these songs, he put his blood, sweat, and tears into them. While they’re both so tragic, he’s most proud of these two pieces. Or rather, when he’s happy, he’s most proud of these songs. When his chest aches where his heart once used to be, replaced with a gaping void, he can’t play these songs without breaking down over the keys.

Bloodsport especially. He wrote this about his relationship with Missy, in the midst of their first breakup.

When Luke first met Missy, back in 2016, he swore he fell head over heels for her. It felt like love at first sight, if that was even possible. They were both single at the time, and so Luke took a special interest in her. When they got together, not even a few months later, he swore he was the happiest man ever. He wrote Give about her. He wrote Sugar about her.

Then… it was like she flipped on a dime. Everything Luke thought he knew about Missy turned out to be a lie. After the first few months of them dating, she began nitpicking everything he did. She wouldn’t even look at or interact with him unless it was convenient to her.

She would pull away from him, but then gradually, she would give just enough to keep him around. She would apologize for the way she’d been acting to him and then find some way to blame Luke for her actions. She would scream and yell and every single time, Luke would be the one apologizing. He would apologize for her outbursts.

She called him all kinds of names. She told him he was disgusting and made him feel unloveable. But Luke didn’t want to give her up, not yet. Because he was convinced that somewhere, underneath all that hatred, Missy did love him.

And then they broke up for the first time.

It absolutely killed him. He didn’t leave his house for weeks, only getting out of his room after Jude forced him out of bed. That’s when Luke wrote most of his first album, after his first breakup with Missy.

But, of course, Marissa came back and she apologized profusely to Luke. Against his better judgement, Luke got back together with her. He finished his first album and released him, and he thought Missy would be proud of him but she just shut him down. In fact, she shut down everything he tried to do—talking to her, talking about his interests, going out with his friends, and so on. She was in control. She would throw things and break things, scream in his face.

Luke felt completely isolated being with Marissa.

But he still loved her so much. Even if she was verbally and emotionally abusive, he still had so much love for her.

It wasn’t until he became so fucking depressed and emotionally scarred by her that he decided he couldn’t stay with her anymore.

So he left her, and moved in with Jude.

And now, Marissa is happily married. And more often than not, Luke finds himself wondering what the hell went wrong in their relationship that made her hate him so much. She’s so happy with her current husband, he can’t wrap his mind around the fact that, at one point in her life, she hated Luke so much. It’s unfathomable. Every day, Luke blames himself for how their relationship turned out in the end. In the back of his mind, he knows it was never his fault. It was all Marissa. She was the corrupted one. But he’s convinced that he must have done something to turn on him like that.

Every day, he wishes he could go back in time to get the closure he so desperately craves for. It kills him that he doesn’t understand why she was so fucking miserable with him but she’s so happy with her current husband.

Luke stops playing Bloodsport and drops his hands to his lap. This entire time, he’s been fighting back tears but they’ve begun to spill over now. He makes a strangled noise, like he’s trying to fight back a sob. He feels so pathetic. Every cruel word Marissa has ever said to him has stuck with him throughout the years. It’s so hard to shake the feeling that he did something wrong, that he was in fact so fucking undesirable and disgusting and so fucked in the head—that that’s the reason she was driven to do those things.

Jude’s insisted time and time again that Marissa was the problem. And Luke knows this. But he doesn’t.

Meeting Emma, noticing her attempts to try and befriend him time and time again, Luke finally began to understand that he’s not the problem. Emma helped him realize that he wants to get better—for her.

And now, after she made it clear she doesn’t feel the same way about him, Luke feels lost again. He’s trying to get over Marissa. He wants to, he needs to. He wants to be able to feel like a person again.

Luke stood and left his keyboard. He wandered into the kitchen and made himself a mug of coffee, watching closely as the coffee dribbled into his mug. He hadn’t noticed Jude had left his room and joined him in the kitchen until Jude spoke up.

“You feeling better?” Jude asked carefully. Luke looked up from his coffee, brows knitted together into a frown.

“I’m fine,” he insisted. He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back against the counter behind him. Jude came to lean against the counter opposite of him, in front of the coffee pot.

“Do you want to go out to dinner with me later?” Jude asked. Luke’s eyes widened.

“Is anyone else going to be there?”

Jude cocked his head to the side. “Do you want other people to come?”

“No,” Luke murmured. The sound of the coffee pot brewing suddenly stopped and Jude stepped aside to let Luke grab his mug.

“I love you, Luke,” Jude said softly. Luke turned to look at him, a curious brow raised.

“Where is this coming from? Are you dying?” He tried to joke. Jude rolled his eyes.

“I just wanted to remind you. I’m really worried about you.”

“You’re always worried about me.”

“And with reason,” Jude said sharply. He narrowed his eyes up at Luke, seemingly searching his face. “Are you going to be okay at Download?”

Luke scoffed. “Why would I not be?”

“Emma will be there.”

It felt as though his breath caught in his lungs. He was so caught up in his own self-pity that he completely forgot that they’re supposed to headline Download in just four days, and that Emma would be there. Luke deflated, suddenly not feeling so great.

“Thanks for fucking reminding me,” he grumbled. Jude clicked his tongue.

“I’m sorry mate. Just… come to dinner with me tonight, forget about her,” Jude urged him. Luke gave in, nodding his head subtly.

“Fine.”

ᯓ★

Later, after her photoshoot gig was done, Emma shot Liam a quick text letting him know she was done. He texted her back, saying she could come over at any time.

So here she was, sitting on his couch in his living room, smoking a blunt with him. She’s high out of her mind, half-listening as Liam droned on about a local band he found incredibly good. She’s staring up at his ceiling, eyes half-lidded. Her stomach is growling but she ignores it.

“Did Luke ever tell you he rubbed one off to you during Rock am Ring?” Liam asked suddenly. Emma shot up in her seat, eyes wide.

“What the hell?” she asked. Liam nodded lazily.

“Yep. Knew it. Could see his hard-on from across the room,” he went on. “Dunno if he told you. I probably shouldn’t be telling you this…”

Emma laid back down on the couch, the backs of her hands pressed against her forehead. “He told me.”

“What’re your thoughts on that?”

Emma sighed softly. “I could care less.”

Liam took another drag of his blunt. “You two would be great together.”

Emma laughed at this. “Funny.”

“Not jokin’,” he said pointedly. He rose to his feet and crossed the living room to loom over her. Emma averted his gaze to look up at him, sighing again. “Why’d you reject him?”

“He’s not over his ex,” she said simply.

“Bullshit.”

“It’s the truth.”

“If he were to be over his ex, would you get with him?” Liam lifted her feet, sitting down on the couch. He dropped her feet back into his lap, looking down at her expectantly. Emma purposely avoided his gaze. Why does he keep asking her about this? She’s already told him what happened and she’s already explained her feelings about Luke. Nevertheless, Emma gave a half-hearted shrug.

“Maybe.” Which wasn’t a total lie. “I only see him as a friend. He’s more like my boss, anyway. I only work for him.”

“I think he really likes you,” Liam said.

That’s what Emma hates so much about the situation: she really cares for Luke, and it’s evident he has strong feelings for her. She feels a heavy weight on her shoulders, and her chest constricts with an uncomfortable amount of grief whenever she remembers how close they grew back in Germany. And then she went and fucked it all over.

“I know,” is all Emma says in return.

“You two ever gonna talk again? How about at Download?”

Emma sits up in her seat, bringing herself closer to Liam. She takes the blunt out of his fingers and takes a long, slow drag of it. She exhales the smoke sharply, brows furrowed as she thinks.

“Honestly, I care about him a lot,” she says. “If he was over Missy, I would consider getting with him. But he was moving too fast for his own good. And I want him to be better before he pursues another relationship, y’know? So… I might keep my distance for now.”

“Like… cut him off?”

Emma nods in agreement. “Yeah, something like that. Only until I know he’s completely over Marissa. I just care too much.”

“There’s no such thing as caring too much,” Liam chuckled. Emma rolled her eyes at him, but she knows he’s right, in a way.

She lets out a long, slow exhale, bringing her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around her legs. She doesn’t want to have to keep talking about this. She doesn’t want to think about it anymore. She just wants to live her life normally, like it once was.

Maybe… maybe she should have backed out of this job when she had the chance.

Chapter Text

ᯓ★

They’re heading out to Donington Park today, to check out the scenery. Luke has only played Download Fest a few times before, and he knows the place pretty well, but it’s his first time headlining along Greenday and Korn, so naturally he’s nervous.

They’re taking Jude’s car this time, and they’re just a few minutes away.

Today is the first day of Download Fest, and there are going to be a lot of people there today—and tomorrow and the day after that, which makes Luke nauseous to think about. There are going to be so many people.

“Just breathe,” Jude told, casting a quick glance his way. “This isn’t your first time playing a festival.”

“Just thinking about all the people that are going to see us play tomorrow,” Luke said.

“You should be proud of yourself. I know I am.”

“I am,” Luke insisted. “I’m really grateful we’re here. There’s just going to be a lot of people. Have we played a crowd so big before?”

“We opened for Linkin Park. That was a lot of people.” Jude gave him a skeptical look. “Since when did you get so nervous about the crowd size?”

“Fuck, I don’t know.” Luke leaned against the car door, looking out his window. He’d rather not talk about this—his feelings, that is. It seems that’s all anyone wants to talk about lately and it’s driving him up the walls.

Thankfully, Jude is silent the rest of the drive there, the only sound being the music from Jude’s playlist.

When they arrived, they first checked out the stage they would be performing at. It’s massive, Luke realizes as they near it. He’ll be performing on this tomorrow night in front of hundreds of people.

“Luke!” Jude is calling his name, pulling him out of his thoughts. Luke catches up with Jude and they make their way through the crowds of people. There are so many people here, it’s insane. Luke wonders if any of them recognize him, if any of them secretly know who he is. He remembers what Emma told him, how if he were an unmasked singer, he’d probably be swarmed by people already, so he’s secretly grateful no one knows who he is—and if they do, they respect his privacy enough not to approach him.

“Where are we going?” he asks Jude. Jude gives him a curious look.

“I thought you wanted to check the place out, before we’re too busy to do anything,” Jude says. Luke just shrugs and they continue walking through the crowd in silence. They come to an abrupt stop and Luke nearly tramples Jude in an attempt to stop. He looks up from his feet and his heart drops. Liam and Alex are here too…

…and so is Emma.

Luke looks away quickly, feeling overcome with an emotion he’s never quite felt before. Something not quite hatred yet not quite sadness. He shoves his hands into his pockets and clears his throat awkwardly. He doesn’t know if he can be around her right now.

“Sorry,” Jude murmurs to him. “I would have told you if I knew they’d be here—“

“What the fuck ever,” Luke grumbles. “I’m leaving.”

It’s not that he hates Emma—quite the opposite, actually—he just can’t look at her right now. He knows what happened isn’t her fault. He was moving too fast for her and she just wasn’t ready for a relationship. But he really liked her, so it’s hard to look past the rejection and see her for her again.

“Luke,” he heard her call after him. Against his better judgement, Luke turned around to face her. She was catching up to him, concern written all over her features. He’s been dreading this moment ever since returning home—having to talk to her about… whatever the hell happened between them that night.

“Look, Emma, I can’t—“ He began, but she cut him off.

“I’m really fucking sorry,” she breathed. “About everything. I’ve… been thinking a lot about it.”

Luke raised his brows. “What?”

“I only rejected you because I want you to get better,” she went on. “It’s obvious that you’re still hurting and I want to see you heal from your trauma completely before you pursue something new, whether that’s with me or someone else.”

Luke shifted his weight between his feet, trying to find his words. “Why’d you let me kiss you?”

She shook her head, seemingly at a loss for words.

“Was I moving too fast for you?” he asked her.

“I don’t know. I don’t even know if I see you as more than a friend,” Emma said quietly. Luke felt a twinge of hurt in his chest. She continued: “and I don’t want to keep reminding you of your ex. I don’t know if I can keep doing this otherwise.”

“You don’t.”

“You told me yourself that I do.”

“Things have changed, Emma,” he insisted. “I have changed. I don’t think of her when I look at you, or when I wear Bella’s ring, or— or at all!”

She just blinked up at him. Luke swallowed hard, silently willing her to say something, anything. Her silence is killing him. At last, she sighed softly and he swore he felt his heart skip a beat.

“I’m sorry for all of this Luke,” she told him, her voice barely audible. “I didn’t mean to cause you so much trouble.”

“You haven’t. Not really, I mean. I just… feel like you don’t like me anymore,” he admitted.

“I could never hate you. I’m just not sure either of us are ready for a relationship right now—not with everything going on.”

“Then we don’t have to be in a relationship.” Luke took a step towards her, closing the distance between them. “I just… want to show you I’m over her—I want you to know I’m ready for something new.”

She looked up at him, a brief look of uncertainty crossing her features, but it was gone just as quickly as it appeared. She gave him a taut smile and a curt nod of her head. “Prove it to me then. But— we’re not together.”

It felt as though a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Luke let his frown fall, instead replacing it with a faint smile. He took a tentative step closer to Emma and leaned down, kissing her cheekbone. She let him, much to his surprise.

“Go out with me tonight,” he prompted, “after we get out of here.”

She looked like she hesitated for a moment but she smiled up at him. “Okay, sure. What about the others?”

“What about them?” he raised a questioning brow. “We’re not dating, we don’t have to tell them anything if you don’t want to.”

“Okay,” she said with a sharp exhale. “I’ll go out with you tonight. Is it dinner or what?”

“Dinner. And I’ll be the one paying.”

“So, what? We just reverted back to our angsty teenage selves for a few days for nothing?” she joked. Luke rubbed the nape of his neck, chuckling.

“I suppose so.”

He watched as Emma fished through her jean pockets, pulling out a box of cigarettes. He was taken aback by this—he had no idea she smoked. Or maybe she was holding it for someone else.

“You smoke?” he asked her.

“Sometimes,” she offered. She tilted the box towards him but he shook his head.

“I’m a singer, remember?”

“Right, sorry.” He watched as she took out a cig and lit it, holding it to her lips and taking a long, slow drag. Smoke billowed out from her lips, curling into the air between them and dissipating into nothing.

“Do you want to get out of here? Leave them behind?” Luke proposed. Emma said nothing but the grin on her face was all the confirmation he needed. They weaved their way through the crowds, stopping to check out bands from a distance here and there. They made comments here and there but never really held a conversation, but he didn’t mind. He was just glad to have her back, for now. He can still sense her unease, like she’s ready to turn and flee whenever things get too complicated, but can he blame her?

He went from snapping at her every chance he got to confessing how he feels about her in a secluded hallway. He understands he may have moved too fast for her, but he can’t help the tug he feels on his sternum, seemingly pulling him towards her. He can’t help the way his heart skips a beat everytime her name is mentioned, or the way he feels his stomach flipping whenever he’s around her.

He feels like a lovesick puppy, a teenage boy who’s fallen head over heels for a girl he’s just met. This is like that, in a way.

But he understands why Emma wants him to prove that he’s over his ex. He was still such a damn mess when they first met, and when they got close, he tried to make them something out of nothing at all.

But he’s been granted another chance—another chance to make everything right between them. A chance to prove he’s ready for her.

They continued to walk around the festival grounds until the sun began to leave her spot at the top of sky. Luke was surprised Jude hadn’t texted him but once today, even after he stormed off. It was different for Emma, however. Liam had completely blown up her phone, asking multiple times if she was okay or if he needed to call 999.

“He’s a little dramatic,” Emma said, exasperated.

“Trust me, I know,” Luke chuckled lightly. He looked up at the sky. “We should head back.”

“What time do you want me to meet you?” she asked him.

“I’ll pick you up,” he told her, placing a hand on her back.

“You can drive?” she raised a skeptical brow.

“I can, believe it or not. I mostly make Jude drive me around though. Just— be ready before 6:30.”

ᯓ★

“Where’d you run off to?” Liam asked when Emma found him again. “I was worried sick! What if you got kidnapped, or worse, killed?”

“Okay dad,” Emma teased him. “I just… needed some space. I tried talking to Luke, by the way.”

“You did?” He sounded hopeful. Emma felt her chest constrict—but this time, not with guilt or grief, instead with a newfound emotion. One she couldn’t quite place yet.

“Yeah. It’s complicated,” was all she told him before beckoning him towards the exit. “Let’s go, yeah? I need to get home.”

“For what?”

“I have… plans… with Maxine,” she added when she caught the curious look of his face. Liam just narrowed his eyes at her but they returned to his car anyway. Emma climbed into the passenger seat, looking to the backseat where Alex rode with them on the way here.

“Where’s Alex?” she asked.

“Oh, he caught a ride with Jude and Luke instead,” Liam explained to her. Their drive was silent for a while, allowing Emma time to think. She hadn’t expected her and Luke to reconcile so quickly, or easily at that. She just kept wondering what on earth she got herself into—again. Will Luke actually be able to prove he’s completely over Marissa? Emma knows she’s asking for a lot, but she doesn’t want to get into anything where they both end up hurt in the end.

“Excited for tomorrow?” Liam asked her suddenly. Emma turned to look at him, eyes narrowed as she took a moment to think about her answer.

“Yeah, I think so,” she decided. “Are you?”

“I am, actually,” he said matter-of-factly. “Might go out for drinks to celebrate afterwards, if it’s not too late. You wanna come?”

“I’ll have to see. All this staying up late is starting to get to me.”

“Oh trust me, I know.”

The rest of the ride back to London was quiet, save for the music playing from the radio. When Liam dropped Emma back off at her flat, the time was already nearing 4:30, so she needed to hurry. Between the sun and all the warm bodies out at Donington Park today, Emma had inevitably broken out into a sweat, so she needed to shower before she could do anything else.

She hopped into the shower, standing still and letting the hot water run over her body for a moment. Was this a date, or was he simply just taking her out to eat as… whatever they are? She wants to ask but she doesn't want to pester him anymore than she already has.

After her shower, she dried herself off and began picking out her outfit. She didn’t know what the theme was tonight—Luke didn’t tell her anything, it seems. All she knows is that she needs to be ready by 6:30, and it’s currently a quarter past 5. Emma decided dress pants and a knit-sweater would work for tonight—but to also wear converse to dress down.

She did her makeup and fixed her hair just as Luke texted her asking for her address. She responded almost immediately, then returned to getting ready. She slipped on a silver necklace and her usual rings, and was completely ready by the time Luke pulled up.

She grabbed her purse and keys and headed out the door to meet him by his car. She was relieved to see he was a little dressed up himself. Emma laughed aloud when she realized they were matching; Luke was also wearing dress pants and a knit sweater.

“Guess there’s a theme,” she said. Luke looked her over, a toothy grin on his face.

“I suppose so,” he said breathily. “You look pretty.”

She couldn’t help the way her cheeks flushed pink at his compliment. “Thank you. You don’t look too bad yourself.”

He nodded to the car. “Get in.”

Emma rounded the car to the passenger side and opened the door, sliding in beside Luke. The car’s exterior and interior look expensive, which she guesses isn’t too much of a surprise, considering he is a famous musician. She forgets that’s his job sometimes, until she’s running around in front of the stage with her camera in hand, watching him jump around on stage in his costume.

She looks over at him, taking him in. He smells expensive too. Clean. Put together. He meets her eye, brows raised. “Something wrong?” he asks her. Emma shakes her head.

“No, sorry. I just realized I was staring.”

“No worries.” He started the car and put it into reverse, pulling out of his parking spot. Then they were on their way to the restaurant he picked out.

“So, how long have you been doing music seriously?” Emma asked him in hopes of breaking the silence. Luke cast a brief glance over at her.

“The earliest I can remember is when I was seven, I started to take piano lessons,” he explained. “And from there, I started learning other instruments and experimenting with lyrics and original songs.”

“How many instruments can you play?”

He took a moment to think. “A few. I can play bass, guitar, piano or keyboard, but I’m trying to learn a few others. I also play around with the production of some of my songs.”

“I don’t think I could ever learn how to play so many instruments,” Emma admitted. “I’m better with cameras anyways.”

“Yeah, you take some pretty good pictures,” he commented.

“Ever since you guys posted those pics I took at Download, I’ve practically blown up. I’ve got all kinds of gigs booked for the summer now.”

“That’s great. I’m happy for you.”

“I just can’t wait for September. I missed being on tour.”

Luke smiled softly. “Me too. Touring, seeing all my supporters live, is one of my favorite parts about being a musician.”

Before too long, they pulled up to their destination. Luke got out and rounded the car, helping Emma get out. With his hand on her back, they walked inside, and she could easily see just how much thought Luke put into this— date? No, not a date. They’re not dating. The restaurant wasn’t too fancy, but it was too shabby either. It was just right, and the smell wafting from the kitchen made her stomach growl.

They were led to a small booth near a window, where Emma could look out at the view beyond the restaurant she wanted. Luke slid into the booth across from her, already flipping open his menu.

“I’m paying,” he reminded her, a playful lilt to his voice.

Emma was immediately reminded of the last time he paid for her food, feeling a wave of embarrassment wash over her. She just rolled her eyes playfully in response.

“You headline Download tomorrow. Are you excited?” she asked him. Luke gave a half-hearted shrug.

“I am. I’ve never really headlined anything before so I’m unsure of how to feel exactly. I’m mostly proud of myself.”

“You should be! You’ve come so far,” Emma chirped.

Their waitress came, taking their drink orders and promising she’d return shortly. She stayed true to her word, setting down their drinks accordingly. She took their dinner orders as well before disappearing again.

“Why don’t you ever invite me over?” Emma asked him. Luke knitted his brows together.

“Why don’t you ever invite me over?” he asked in turn. She gave him a pointed look.

“Well, do you want to come over?”

“Do you want me to come over?” He asked, purposefully being difficult. Emma rolled her eyes.

“I do. I’ve wanted to invite you guys over for a while now, I’ve just… been a little too nervous to actually go through with it.”

“Let me come over tonight,” Luke proposed, taking her by surprise.

“Tonight?” she echoed.

“Sure. I’ll only stay for a little.”

Emma was thoughtful for a moment before ultimately deciding she couldn’t care less when he comes over. “Fine.”

Their waitress returned with their dinner and, for the rest of the night, Emma and Luke ate in quiet, making a few comments here and there. Emma came to realize she was actually enjoying this, enjoying him. She’s still a little unsure if she wants to go through with developing her relationship with him because no matter what he says or does, she’s certain she’ll always have that nagging little voice in the back of her mind telling her he’s not yet over his ex. But, for now, she’ll enjoy what they have. She doesn’t want to take what relationship they have now for granted, always worrying about the future when she should be enjoying the moment they’re in now.

She let Luke pay for her dinner this time, a bashful look on her face when he made a witty (yet lighthearted) remark about it.

“Thanks for tonight,” she told him. “You really didn’t have to do this.”

“I wanted to. I felt like such a dick when we weren’t talking.”

“It was also my fault,” she pointed out. Luke just waved his hand dismissively. When the waitress returned with his card, he tucked it safely back into his wallet and stood up. Emma followed suit, following him out of the restaurant. She hadn’t realized how long they had been inside there until she stepped out into the night, but thankfully it wasn’t too chilly. Not like it was in Germany.

Luke paused, turning to look down at her. He looked like he wanted to say something but was teetering on the edge of whether he should actually say it or not. This reminded Emma much of that night in Germany, when he kissed her, and even though she said they weren’t dating, she knew she would be okay with him kissing her.

“Just say it Luke,” she urged him after a heartbeat. His cheeks flushed.

“I want to kiss you.”

“Then kiss me.”

And so he did. Luke closed the distance between them, craning his neck and pressing his lips to hers. His hands found her hips and pulled her into him, while she wrapped her arms around his neck, standing on her toes to reach him properly. Emma reveled in the way he moved against her lips, the way he tasted on her tongue. So sweet, so foreign, so familiar. This is different from the way he kissed her back in Germany. Back then, he kissed her desperately, eagerly. Now, he kissed her with an unsaid desire, fervently. He tasted her like he needed all of her at once, and she felt that same indescribable need inside of her too.

Emma broke away from him to catch her breath, looking up at him. He was searching her face, lips flushed from the kiss. “Luke—“

“Get in the car,” he told her. He pulled away from her and they made their way to the car. Luke started it quickly and within moments, they were already on their way back to Emma’s flat.

She watched him, watched as his skin turned green and red and golden from the glow of the streetlights. His jaw flexed, his eyes radiating need. His hand gripped the steering wheel tightly, his other hand balled up into a tight fist in his lap. Emma could see what he was feeling, could feel it in herself too. She hasn’t felt like this in a long while, her last relationship being nearly six years ago.

They pulled up to her flat not long after and they both climbed out. Emma fished through her purse for her keys, fumbling with the lock. She could feel Luke’s gaze burning through her skin. Everything he’s feeling, everything she’s feeling, is so strong it’s almost tangible. Finally, Emma manages to unlock her door and they both stumble inside. 

Luke is on her again within moments, nipping at her lips, hands trailing over her hips. Emma manages to toe off her shoes, Luke following suit, and he’s pushing her back against the couch. She feels the couch hit the back of her knees and she falls backwards. Luke follows her, his lips trailing down her neck now.

She knows what she’s getting herself into. After this, she can’t go back. They can never go back to being “just friends” if they go through with this, and maybe she’ll regret it in the morning, but she can’t think clearly now. Her mind is racing, heart beating against her ribs. She’s overcome with lust, and it’s clear Luke is too.

He pulls away from her abruptly, panting heavily. “Do you want to do this?” he asked her. Emma nodded eagerly, already reaching for him again.

“Yes,” she breathed, “yes. I want to.”

His hands were on her again within seconds, slipping underneath her sweater and running over her stomach. She wrapped her arms around his neck again, pulling him in for another kiss. This time, his tongue slipped inside her mouth, properly tasting her this time. He was like a ravenous wolf, a starving animal, and she was soaking in every second of it.

Luke’s hands found her trousers, unbuttoning them and slipping them down ever so slightly. Emma took the chance to take off her sweater, prompting Luke to do the same. He tossed it to the floor behind him, looking absolutely stunning in the lowlight of her living room. She touched her hand to his abdomen, spreading her fingers over the expanse of his abs. He’s so perfectly built, seemingly carved out of the mold of a god. He was looking down at her too, hands on her hips, letting her touch him.

“Can I take off your trousers?” he asked her softly. Emma nodded eagerly, lifting her hips off the couch so he could slip her pants off easily.

“Take yours off,” she urged him. Luke stepped back and unbuttoned his pants, letting them fall to the door.

“Fuck,” Emma breathed. She sat back against the cushions and allowed herself to take him in properly. He looks ethereal standing in front of her, his cheeks flushed and his lips swollen from kissing her. She can see just how much she’s affected him, his erection straining against his pants. She can feel her own arousal, the mere thought of the both of them naked on her living room couch already turning her on.

Luke is on her again, pressing himself between her legs, kissing along her jawline. He reaches behind her and skillfully unclasps her bra, letting it fall away in his hands. He leans back to look down at her, to take her in. Emma feels exposed like this, but she knows he isn’t judging. Quite the opposite actually; he’s admiring her, like she’s some kind of world wonder. He hooks a finger on the hem of her panties and tugs them down, letting out a soft sigh once she’s fully exposed to him.

“You’re perfect,” he tells her, and she swears she can feel her heart skip a beat or two. Emma takes the opportunity to pull down his boxers too, watching as his erection sprang free from the confines of his underwear.

She groans, feeling her arousal grow just from the sight of him. He’s gorgeous, really. She can clearly see all the work he’s put into himself over the years. He’s so beautiful, she thinks as she runs her fingers across his v-lines, chewing on her bottom lip.

“Emma,” Luke said, grabbing ahold of her wrist. She looks up at him between her lashes, heart pounding faster inside her chest. They’re not dating, she reminds herself. This is like a trial, he’s proving to her that he’s over his ex.

“Luke?” she inquires. He kisses her again, pushing her back against the couch.

“Let me fuck you, please,” he practically begs her, and she feels something come alive inside her—a desire, a need she hasn’t felt in years. She nods eagerly, opening her legs to him in invitation. He takes the hint, splaying his hands over both her thighs, spreading her legs wider. He kisses her, trailing down from her jaw to her collarbones, down to the swell of her breasts. He noses the sensitive skin of her breasts, briefly licking her nipples before settling on his knees and averting his attention to her vagina.

He looks up at her, seemingly asking for permission. Emma nods, a subtle motion that she wasn’t even sure he caught. Still, he dives between her legs, flicking his tongue over her clit. Emma sucks in a sharp breath, gripping the edges of her couch as he continues to lick at and suck on her clit. He does it so perfectly, so carefully, making sure that she knows tonight is about her.

“Luke!” she gasps when he flicks his tongue between her folds. He exhales sharply, sending shivers up her spine. She can feel that tell-tale burn in her soles, that flexing in her abdomen. He continues to eat her out, delving between her legs and feasting on her like she’s a holy feast, specially prepared for him. Emma can feel goosebumps spreading across her skin, her stomach doing flips as she nears her orgasm. Luke groans against her, sending vibrations through her that ultimately make her come undone. She throws her head back with a low moan, thighs squeezing around him as he continues to eat her out through her climax.

“Fuck,” Emma sighs softly as she comes down from her high. “Oh my God… how the fuck are you so good at that?”

He grins up at her, chin glistening with her slick. Luke rises from his knees amd settles between her legs once more. He’s kissing her again, being gentle with her, taking his time with this process. She can taste herself on him but she doesn’t care. He’s so close to her now, no clothes to separate them from each other this time.

He pulls back just enough to grab ahold of himself and press just the head of his cock to her entrance. He’s holding his breath, she can see just that much. He looks nervous, but she knows he wants this. He needs this, so he grabs her hips to hold her in place, slowly sliding in between her legs.

It’s like her breath has been knocked from her lungs. She can feel every inch of him as he slides inside of her, stretching her deliciously. He’s careful as he bucks his hips up into her, his breath coming in short, shaky exhales.

“Luke,” Emma breathed. He met her eyes, leaning in to kiss her.

“You’re perfect,” he moans into her mouth. She swallows it, soaking in the way he feels around her, against her, inside her. Luke shifts below her, rocking his hips into her, seemingly testing the waters. Emma rocks her hips back against his, eyes fluttering shut.

She feels so much right now. She’s feeling everything, yet not enough. She needs more of him. He seems to sense this too, because his hands are on her again. He’s thrusting into her, eliciting soft gasps from between her lips, and she swears she’s in heaven.

He’s pressing his lips against her neck, suckling against her skin. It barely registers above all the pleasure she’s feeling that he’s marking her skin, but she doesn’t care. She just needs to feel him. She needs this more than words can describe. She can feel another orgasm building inside her, burning inside her. It’s a carnal need that she’s chasing now and she’s begging for it with the gasps and moans Luke is punching from her gut.

“Fuck— ah— Emma,” Luke groans into her ear. “Fuck, I’m gonna come.”

“Me too,” she pants. She wraps her legs around his hips, pulling him impossibly closer to her. She can feel all of him, the way he’s sliding against her walls, stretching her to the brink. The head of his cock kisses her cervix with every thrust inside her and she goes dumb beneath him, eyes rolling into the back of her head.

His hips stutter to a stop, face hidden in the crook of her neck. He’s breathing heavily against her skin, hands gripping the plush skin on the back of her thighs so hard she’s sure he’s going to leave bruises. She can feel his dick throbbing inside her as he’s coming, and just that sensation alone drives her over the edge.

She clenches around him as her second orgasm of the night crashes over her, digging her nails into his shoulder blades, leaving crescent shaped indents in his skin but she doesn’t care, and she’s sure he doesn’t either.

He pulls back just enough to look her in the face, his blue eyes scanning over her features. He brushes her sweat-slicked hair out of her face, kissing her cheekbone delicately. “Thank you,” he murmurs. Emma looks up at him, breathing heavily still. Now that the excitement of the night has left her body, she’s exhausted. Her limbs feel heavy and she’s not sure she can move from this spot.

She can feel something constricting her chest, something akin to guilt. She knows they shouldn’t have done this, they moved way too fast for either of their sakes, but he’s irresistible. Emma brings her hands to his face, cupping his cheeks, pulling him in for a heartfelt kiss.

Luke pulls away from her, rising to his feet. He pulls on his boxers and goes to pick up his pants but Emma stops him.

“About what you said earlier… about staying for just a little?” She looked up at him, unsure if she should even propose this, but she did anyway. “Don’t go. Just, stay the night.”

His brows climb his forehead, she’s obviously taken him by surprise with this, but he doesn’t decline the offer. Instead, he drops his pants to the floor again, joining her on the couch. “Okay,” he says quietly.

Emma settles back into the couch, pressing herself against him. Luke takes this chance to pull her legs over her lap, pulling her even closer.

“Just— just to make sure,” she begins awkwardly, “we’re still not dating. I… I still don’t know if you’re over your ex.”

“Yeah,” he grunts, “we’re not dating. We’re not anything.”

“We’re friends,” Emma corrects.

Luke gives her a pointed look, but he speaks to her in a teasing tone. “Do friends fuck each other?”

She shrugs. “Maybe.”

After a while of sitting together on the couch, Emma feels herself start to slip in and out of sleep, so she forces herself up. She slips on her bra and panties then bends down to pick up their discarded clothes off the floor.

“I’m exhausted, so I’m going to bed,” she tells him. He just stares at her dumbly, obviously not taking the hint. Emma rolls her eyes, nodding her head towards the hallway that leads down to her room. “That means you come too.”

He smiles sheepishly, rising to his feet and following her back to her room. She drops their clothes into a pile by her bed and crosses the room to her dresser, opening it up and pulling out a t-shirt and shorts for herself. She feels a little guilty, because she doesn’t have any extra clothes for Luke to wear, but it seems he doesn’t care, because he’s already settling into her bed.

Emma slips on her pajamas and crawls into bed next to him, handing him her TV remote. He gives her a questioning look and she just rolls her eyes affectionately. “Put something on,” she tells him.

He furrows his brows. “What do you want to watch?” he asks.

“Whatever you want to watch, I don’t care.” She sidles up next to him, resting her head against his shoulder, silently reminding herself this means nothing. They are just friends.

Luke, as predicted, turns on National Geographic, a sheepish look on his face. “Nat Geo helps me fall asleep,” he explains shyly. Emma giggles.

“I know, Jude told me.”

He wrapped his arm around her shoulders, resting his cheek against her hair and she let herself relax into him as exhaustion overcame her.

The last thing she remembers thinking before falling asleep is the fact that, after this, they can never go back to how things were before. She’ll never be able to look at him or be around him again without remembering this night. Even if she keeps telling herself they’re just friends, she knows deep down that that’s a lie.

After tonight, nothing will be the same between them.

Chapter Text

ᯓ★

Luke woke the following morning to the smell of coffee wafting in from the kitchenette. It smelled delicious, and was probably the only reason he forced himself up out of bed.

The empty space next to him was cold, signaling to him that Emma’s been up for a while.

He still can’t wrap his head around the fact that they had sex last night. It happened so suddenly; he never thought it would happen just like that, especially after she made it clear she’s not ready to be with him.

She’s confusing, that’s for sure. She’s always sending him mixed signals but he’s determined to figure her out, if that’s what will help him grow closer to her.

He feels a little self conscious parading around Emma’s flat with only his underwear on, but he has to remind himself that she saw him naked for fuck’s sake, so he doesn’t think she’ll care too much. He wanders into the kitchen, where she’s leaned up against the counter, a mug of coffee in hand. She doesn’t look up until he slides up next to her, looking over her shoulder at her phone screen.

“I just made some coffee if you want some,” she offered, nodding her head towards the coffee pot on the counter opposite of her. She set down her own mug and pulled one out for him to use—a blue mug with a white face on it and white words that read Les Miserables. He picked it up, turning it over in his hands, looking it over, curious.

“You like musicals?” he asked her, perplexed.

“Yeah, I do,” she admitted. “Les Mis is one of my favorites. Do you like them?”

Luke shook his head, a grin on his face. “Sometimes,” he said while pouring himself a mug. He took a sip, feeling the warmth of the coffee trickle down his throat and warm his belly. “It depends which ones I’m watching, really. I really like West Side Story, but I’m not so keen on Hamilton, you know?”

“Seriously?” Emma gasped. “I fucking love Hamilton! We need to find a musical you like and watch it together.”

“Maybe.” He pressed up against the counter beside Emma, slowly nursing on his coffee. The silence between them is comfortable. He half expected it to be uncomfortable, or laced with a sense of awkwardness, but there was none. And he kind of enjoyed it, being able to sit in comfortable silence with her like this.

His mind wandered back to last night. Dinner with her was enjoyable, he felt like he got to know her more. It’s like he’s always learning new things about her every time they hang out, and he knows he’ll never tire of it.

However, the sex… was fucking incredible. He can still remember the way she tasted on his tongue, the way she squirmed beneath him. God, and her voice, the way she said his name—

He had to force himself to stop thinking about it before he gave himself another hard-on. He cast a brief glance over Emma, who was still on her phone, her mug held close to her body. She must have felt him looking at her because she turned her phone off, set it down on the counter, and looked up at him.

“Are you okay? You look a little upset,” she commented.

“Oh— no, I was just thinking, sorry,” he chuckled awkwardly. That’s when he suddenly remembered he hadn’t pulled out last night, and it felt as though his heart plummeted into his stomach. “You— are you on any birth control or—?”

Her cheeks flushed pink at his question and she looked away shyly. “Yeah, I have an IUD— no worries.”

“Shit, sorry— I didn’t mean to…” he trailed off, unsure of where he was going with this. He sighed, rubbing the nape of his neck. “Just wanted to make sure everything’s okay.”

“Thanks for caring.” She gave his bicep a squeeze before pushing off the counter. “I might have some clothes that fit you, if you want. Don’t want you to have to do the walk of shame in your clothes from yesterday.”

“Oh, sure,” he said, pushing off the counter as well and following her back to her room. She set her mug aside and opened up her closet, rummaging through her clothes before pulling out a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie that looked far too big to be hers.

“Here,” she said, handing them off to him. “These were my brother’s, but I stole them from him.”

He raised his brows, clearly surprised by this. “You have a brother? How many siblings do you have?”

“Just the one,” she replied. She looked up at him with a questioning look. “Do you have any?”

“Nope, I’m an only child,” he said quietly. He dressed himself in the clothes Emma gave him, thankful she was able to find him something to wear.

They play Download today, so he needs to get home at 12 at the latest in order to get to Donington Park in time. He finished his coffee in bed next to Emma and finally decided to pick up his phone for the first time since he plugged it in last night. He was met with a bombard of messages from Jude, asking him where the hell he was. Luke rolls his eyes, because Jude worries like a mum, but he can understand where he’s coming from—Luke only told him he was going out to dinner and that he’d be back soon, but he never returned, never texted or called.

“Fucking hell,” he sighed aloud. “Jude completely blew up my phone last night.”

“Did you tell him you were going to stay the night?” Emma asked him.

Luke shook his head, a mischievous grin on his face.. “No, I was a little busy last night, mind you.”

She scoffed, rolling her eyes playfully. “Oh, fuck you.”

He forced himself up out of bed, unplugging his phone and shoving it into his pocket. “I have to go now if I don’t want to be running late for tonight,” he told her. He gave her foot a firm squeeze, eliciting a smile from her. “I better see you there too.”

“I’ve already got all my stuff ready.” She rose to her feet and crossed the room to stand before him, mug in hand still. She pressed her index finger to his chest firmly. “Hurry along now, before Jude files a missing persons report on you.”

Luke just smiled down at her. His chest felt warm, his stomach fluttered just from looking at her. Whatever moment they’ve had this morning felt so domestic, so docile and comforting. He knows the second he leaves her flat he’ll be left longing for it once more.

He grabbed her waist, pulling her in for a hug. He would have kissed her if things were different, but last night was just an exception. They’re strictly friends, she’s made that much clear. He nuzzles her hair, inhaling the scent of her shampoo and her perfume mixed together, cherishing this moment, before pulling away.

“Bye Emma,” he told her before turning and making his way up front. He slipped on his shoes, grabbed his keys, and made his way out to his car.

He stepped inside he and Jude’s shared flat silently, kicking off his shoes by the door and making his way into the kitchen. He already had a mug back at Emma’s place, but his thirst isn’t yet sated, so he begins to brew himself a fresh pot.

“Where the hell did you go last night?” Jude demanded, seemingly appearing out of nowhere. Luke nearly jumped out of his skin, whipping around to face the drummer. He was standing in the entrance to the kitchen, arms crossed over his chest, looking at him expectantly.

“I…” He rubbed the nape of his neck, looking for the right words to say. “I slept over at Emma’s. She let me hang out at her place after dinner and it was too late to drive back by the end of the night, so…”

Well, it wasn’t entirely a lie. He did sleep at her place, and she did say he could go over to her flat after dinner. The rest, however, was just for him and Emma to know.

Jude visibly relaxed, letting his arms fall to his sides. “So, you two have made up?”

Luke nodded. They had—in fact, they’d done far more than just make up. “Yeah, we did. That’s where I was last night, dinner with her.”

“I’m glad you’re finally getting out of the house more,” Jude said softly. “I think you needed to meet Emma. She seems to be helping you out a lot.”

“You sound like my mum.”

“You make me worry like one so I guess if the shoe fits.”

Luke picked up his freshly brewed cup of coffee and took a long, slow sip. “After I shower, we need to start heading out there.”

“Yeah, Alex and Liam are already out there. I was waiting until you got home—whenever that may have been.”

Luke was not amused. He just excused himself and disappeared into his room to pick out fresh clothes for himself. He made his way into the bathroom and turned on the shower, letting it heat up to his liking before he shed his clothes and stepped inside.

He hasn’t been able to stop thinking about Emma since he left her place. He could smell her on the hoodie she gave him; it’s so strong it’s like she’s actually there.

He knows she doesn’t want to jump into anything serious with him, but he can’t help but imagine how great they would be together. He really likes her. She makes him feel good about himself, like he’s allowed to be himself around her, and that means more to him than anything else. She doesn’t have to be drop dead gorgeous, or have a lot of money. She has a great personality and she helps bring out the best of him. She’s a gem.

And she drives him fucking crazy.

He hasn’t stopped thinking about last night either. He’s had to redirect himself countless times but it’s finally starting to get to him. He can’t stop thinking about how pretty she looked, naked and exposed to him, unraveling in his hands perfectly. The way her skin felt beneath his fingers, how perfectly his hands fit slotted against her waist, it made his skin tingle. And the way she felt against him, around him. God, he couldn’t stop thinking about how he was inside her, making her feel so much pleasure that her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she couldn’t help but moan his name aloud.

He can feel himself growing hard beneath the warmth of the water just thinking about her. Luke groans, a deep noise from the depth of his chest, and wraps his hand around his length, deciding he can give himself this before he subjects himself to a day full of work.

He strokes himself, slow and languid, leaning back against the wall of his shower. He closes his eyes, playing the events of last night over in his head. She felt so amazing around him, clenching around his cock. She tasted perfectly, musky and natural and delicious.

He feels his stomach begin to twist into knots and his hand quickens its pace. His breathing quickens too, coming in short gasps. He can’t keep doing this, he can’t keep thinking of her in lewd ways like this, but it’s so hard when she’s on his mind constantly, especially after last night.

He remembers the way she kissed him last night, and the way her lips moved against his. Above all things, he’s craved her kiss for a while. Ever since that first night in Nuremberg, he’s wanted to kiss her. He finally got to experience her kiss for the second time last time and it left him yearning for more.

He comes into his hand, groaning deep and low. He’s trying his best to stay quiet as he comes down from his high, fisting himself until he’s spent and sensitive, but it’s proving a little challenging. He allows himself a moment to catch his breath before he washes himself off, washing off any evidence of what occurred in his shower just now.

ᯓ★

There are people everywhere. They have just a couple hours before showtime and there are already people gathering outside in front of the stage. Emma is watching them from behind the curtain, wringing her hands nervously. Alex is standing beside her, watching them too.

“You look nervous,” Emma commented.

“You look nervous,” Alex quipped.

“Nervous? I’m never nervous,” she retorted, shoving her hands into her back pockets.

“Then I’m not nervous either.” He took a step back from the curtain, inhaling deeply. “I’ve never headlined anything before.”

“You’ve got this. Just think of it like you’re playing any regular show.”

“Thanks, that… doesn’t help at all,” he grumbled. He opens his mouth to say something more but his guitar tech is calling him away. Alex shoots Emma an apologetic look before walking off. With him gone, Emma leaves to wander around for a little before show time, still wringing her hands nervously.

She knows she’s not the one playing the show, but it’s still a little nerve wracking to be at the front of such a massive crowd. She can only imagine what the band must be feeling, but she definitely knows they should be proud of themselves. They played at Download seven years ago with just a tiny crowd, and now they’re headlining.

“Hey,” Luke’s voice pulls her out of her thoughts. He’s walking beside her now; she hadn’t even noticed he was here, but then again she’s been incredibly busy cleaning her camera and helping out here and there.

“Hey you!” she chirped. She looked him over, confused on why he’s not in costume yet. 

He must have caught her confused look because he says, “I’m on my way to get dressed now.”

“Oh, well have fun! I’ll just be here, trying to find something to do…”

“You can come with if you want,” he offered, “it’ll just be me and crew.”

“Okay, sure.”

She followed him to the large dressing room, where his costume hung on the clothing rack. His mask has been set out alongside his pauldron and his feathers. The makeup artist sat in a chair near the back vanity, where her makeup bag full of brushes and the black paint they use sat.

Luke excused himself politely, grabbing his baggy pants off the rack. The makeup artist took this as her cue to leave to let him get dressed, not casting a single questioning look back at Emma as she left, closing the door behind her as she left.

“So, you seriously don’t wear any underwear under those pants?” she asked, a curious brow raised. Luke met her with a bashful look.

“No, not really,” he admitted shyly. Emma sat down in one of the chairs across the room from him, watching as he shed his clothes and slipped on his costume in replacement. She had to suppress her thoughts of what occurred last night, instead choosing to think about literally anything else.

She doesn’t regret what happened between them in the slightest, she just knows they can’t go back to being strictly friends anymore. Their options are to either stay where they are now or move on, for better or for worse.

But she’s not thinking about last night anymore—she’s staring at Luke in front of her. He’s shirtless and wearing nothing but his pants and his tabi shoes. He looks so handsome in this light, so—

No, she doesn’t think of him that way. She’s not even sure if she wants to be in a relationship with him. Not yet.

The makeup artist has returned and she’s already getting to work on painting Luke. Emma is watching absentmindedly, completely lost in thought.

After Download, she’s completely booked for the summer. She’s working more days than not, which leaves her with the nagging worry of how she’ll manage to keep in touch with the band whilst juggling all her gigs. Worst case scenario, she’ll go ghost over the summer and reconcile with them in the fall. She only hopes nothing changes between Luke and her or else they’ll have to start over from scratch, or not at all.

Eventually, Luke is all painted and she watches as he shrugs on his pauldron while a crew member helps him put on his feathers. Lastly, he slips on his mask and jewelry, and now he’s ready for the stage.

She has to admit, she wasn’t very keen on how he looked in his costume but she’s grown to like it. He looks very handsome all dressed up like this. She rises to her feet and follows Luke out of the dressing room and to the green room. The rest of the band is already in there, readying themselves for the show. They can hear the crowd talking from here; they’re so loud, and while Emma’s heard the roar of the crowd countless times before, it still blows her mind.

“Emma! I haven’t seen you all day!” Liam exclaims. “Please say you’ll get drinks with us after this?”

There’s no way she could say no to them, especially after a feat such as headline Download Fest. “Sure,” she caved, “why not?”

“I knew you’d come around!”

They stayed in the greenroom until they had just minutes before they were supposed to go on. Emma left the band behind to grab her camera and get it ready, and to find her spot at the front of the stage. She stood between the stage and the barricade as the intro to Look To Windward began playing, listening to the screams and cheers of the crowd. They’re so loud. She only hopes the boys are aware and proud of how far they’ve come; she knows she is.

Then the curtains drop and the crowd is roaring. Music is blaring and it’s all so incredibly loud, but Emma doesn’t let that stop her. She lifts her camera and zooms in on Alex standing on the right side of the stage, capturing a few shots before she points her camera at Luke, who’s making his way to the catwalk now. She’s admiring him through the screen of her camera—he looks so incredible on stage like this, in his element. She can tell that he’s feeling himself with this mask on.

It’s like the mask brings out an entirely different side of him and she loves it.

Emma captures a few shots of Luke before making her way to the left side of the stage, where Liam is. He’s spinning in circles, bass in hand, obviously having a great time. Emma catches herself chuckling to herself while she looks through her camera.

They finish their set out with Take Me Back To Eden (one of Emma’s favorites, as are all their songs. It’s hard to choose a single favorite), and Luke beckons the band over for a group picture. Emma makes her way on stage and crouches in front of them, pointing her camera and capturing the perfect shot. She can’t help the way she’s smiling looking down at her camera’s screen.

“You did good,” Liam tells her as he brushes past her. Emma lingers for a moment, watching as Luke slips off his rings and tosses them into the crowd. He rips off his necklace too, something that looked completely effortless and sent goosebumps sprawling over her body.

She’s extremely proud of him. She remembers hearing somewhere that playing at Download like they just did means that they made it in Europe, and she couldn’t feel more like a proud mum than she does in this moment.

Luke abruptly turns and makes his way to the back of the stage and Emma follows close on his heels.

After their show, they found themselves at a pub, absolutely starving after playing a two hour set. Emma sat wedged between Luke and Jude, Alex was sitting across from her, and Liam was talking loudly per usual, but she’s since learned to tune him out. She’s enjoying her burger and her drink, soaking in the events of today. She might sound like a broken record by now but she couldn’t be more proud of these four for how far they’ve come.

Luke leans over and murmurs into her ear, “want to spend the night?”

Emma looks over at Jude, unsure if she should accept. She certainly doesn’t want to impede on his space.

“He’s going to be at Alex’s tonight,” Luke reassures her. “It’ll be just us. Unless… you don’t want to?”

She shook her head fervently. “No, I want to. Maybe then we can find a musical for you to watch.” Luke laughed, shaking his head. He not-so-subtly gave her thigh a firm squeeze, sending a shiver up her spine, before resting his arm over the back of her chair.

Emma smiles up at him, and for a split-second, she catches herself thinking she could get used to this—being like this with him.

Chapter Text

ᯓ★

They made it back to Luke’s flat later in the night, after they finished their food and made the long drive back to London. It was just past midnight yet she wasn’t tired at all. She was excited to be at Luke’s flat for the first time ever.

She took a moment to look around when she first stepped through the door. The living room was very mundane, with a brown recliner couch and a black coffee table with a candle and lots of papers on top of it. They had a matching black TV stand that looked extremely heavy, but it was decorated with a Nintendo switch and a PS5, interestingly enough. 

There’s a sunroom too, with a keyboard plugged in, and two guitar cases set up next to it. Unsurprisingly, there are a multitude of journals and papers strewn over the keyboard, which Emma assumes must be Luke’s music.

“Cozy,” she says at last.

“We’re not home much so we haven’t had a chance to properly decorate,” he explained as he kicked off his shoes. “The rest of the place looks much nicer than this.”

Emma takes off her shoes too, walking around his living room, taking it in. It smells like Jude and Luke, and while it was a little barren, it looked extremely homely and comfortable.

“Shall we find that musical?” he asked her, tossing her the TV remote. Emma caught it, much to her surprise. She sat back on the couch, turning on the TV and taking a moment to think.

“Have you ever seen Chicago?” She looked at him expectantly. He shook his head. “Oh, it’s so good. We should watch it.”

“Let me grab a blanket real quick,” he murmured. Luke disappeared into the dark, most likely to his room, and reappeared with a large, black blanket. He tossed it over her legs and sidled up next to her on the couch, wrapping his arm around her shoulders.

We’re not dating, Emma reminds herself. And God, she hates that she has to remind herself of this because she obviously wants to be more than friends with him, but she doesn’t want them to both get hurt in the end if it's ultimately revealed he’s still hung up on his ex.

She drapes her legs over his lap and takes the opportunity of their proximity to rest her head against his chest. She can hear his heartbeat, can hear every breath he inhales or exhales. His heart is beating fast, faster than she expected it to, and she wonders for a split second if she’s the reason for this.

She doesn’t have much time to dwell on it though, before he’s sliding his hand up her thigh, eliciting a sharp gasp from her. She doesn’t fight it, however. She lets him run his hand over her thigh, his fingertips leaving goosebumps in their wake, making her stomach tingle with an unfamiliar feeling. She looks up at him from underneath heavy lids to find him already looking down at her, watching her.

“You cheeky bastard,” Emma hissed, but he only grinned down at her, a smile that showed too many teeth, but she liked it nevertheless.

He grabbed her thigh and pulled it towards him, delving his hand between her legs. She’s wearing her pants still, so he only drags his fingers across her slit, which earned a low croon from her.

“Luke,” she breathed. He pushed her other thigh away, effectively opening her legs to him. She can feel herself growing wetter, her arousal growing the more he touches her, and she loves it. She craves more of him.

She shifts herself so she’s straddling his lap, grinding her hips down against his, eliciting a low groan from him, and she feeds on it. She’s kissing him now, messily and uncoordinated. Her own heartbeat is quickening now, the butterflies in stomach are fluttering, and she finally understands how Luke must feel around her.

He grabs her hips and grinds her down onto him. She can feel him growing hard beneath her and she finds herself wanting to undress him immediately.

She grabs at his jeans, fumbling with his belt. She finally manages to unbuckle his belt and slips it out from his pants, already working on unbuttoning his pants. Luke grabs her wrists,  however, and lifts her hands off of him. He has a gentle look on her face when she looks up at him and, no matter how pretty his face may be, it frustrates her how he’s looking at her right now.

“Calm down,” he crooned. He dropped her hands and instead brought his own to her face, pulling her in for a gentle kiss. He kisses her as though they had all the time in the world to waste—slow and careful. “Take your time,” he said against her lips when he pulled away, “I’m not going anywhere.”

Emma sat back in his lap, just looking at him. She tucked her hair behind her ears, chewing on her bottom lip, silently willing her heartbeat to slow and the feeling of pure need pumping through her veins to dissolve.

“Sorry,” she sighed after a long moment of silence. She searched his face for any sign that he was thrown off but he looked completely enamored by her, expression soft and pupils dilated—whether with lust or something else completely, she didn’t know.

“Don’t be sorry,” he told her, voice low and gravelly. “Do you want to take this back there?” He nodded in the direction of where his bedroom must be. She doesn’t want to impede on his personal space, but she supposes it’s okay because he’s inviting her back there. She nods finally, climbing off of his lap and waiting for him to rise to his feet and lead the way to his bedroom.

He grabbed her hand and led her into the dark, not bothering to turn off the TV. He opened a door to reveal a dimly lit and well-decorated bedroom. He was true to his word, that the rest of the flat was better decorated than the living room.

He has a large bed with black covers and pillows, and two black nightstands on either side. On one of the nightstands, there’s a knitted Vessel plushie, which she assumes was given to him via a fan.

His dresser is black as well, with a large TV hung on the wall above it. The dresser has lots of jewelry stands, for necklaces and rings and bracelets. Some look expensive, like he bought them himself, and others look handmade, like they may have been given to him by fans. Something in particular caught her eye though: the arrangement of masks hanging above his bed. All of his old masks, she realizes. It’s a little creepy, but also sentimental in a way.

Luke closes the door behind them and crosses the room to stand by his bed. He takes off the rest of his clothes until he’s completely naked, and she follows suit, until they’re both naked. She’s looking him over, and though she’s seen him naked before, she takes a moment to take in the beauty of his features once again.

He’s grabbing her again before she knows it, kissing along her neck. He stops, chuckling a little.

“What?” Emma asks him, narrowing her eyes at him.

“You’re not very good at covering up hickeys,” he told her, thumbing over the spot on her neck where she assumed the hickey was. She just rolled her eyes at him.

He pulled her onto the bed, until she was straddling his lap again. She can feel him, all over her body.

She knows she shouldn’t be doing this with him again, but it’s so hard to resist when he’s— well, him. Perhaps that night has skewed her judgement, because she told herself she wouldn’t get too involved with him until she knows for certain he’s able to live without his ex, but…

She pushes that thought to the back of her mind, choosing to focus on the man in front of her right now. She wants to give back to him; Luke made her feel incredible last night, so he only deserves the same amount of pleasure in return.

She pulled herself off of him, dropping to her knees in front of him. She took his cock in her hands, looking up at him through her lashes, watching the way his abs tensed with every stroke of her hand, or the way his eyes fluttered shut when she wrapped her lips around him.

He gasped softly, bucking his hips out of reflex. Emma continued on, taking what she could fit of him down her throat, bobbing her head slowly. He tangled his fingers in her hair, but he didn’t start fucking into her throat. No, he was gentle with her, letting her go at her own pace. He kept his hand in her hair for his own grounding, she assumed.

She watched the way he threw his head back, breathing deeply, face screwed up from the amount of pleasure he was feeling. “God, Emma…“ he panted pathetically, and she knew he was close.

She pulled off of him and stroked him the rest of the way to climax with her hand, watching as his abs flexed in the dim light of his bedroom, his thighs quaking as he came onto his own stomach. She watched him as he came down from his high, his body covered in a sheen of sweat, pupils so dilated she could barely see any blue.

He cupped her cheek, stroking her cheekbone gently. “Fuck, you’re amazing,” he whispered. Emma rose to her feet, leaning forward and kissing him again.

“You need to wipe that off,” she told him.

“What about you?” he asked her, brows furrowed. Emma waved her hand dismissively.

“I’ll be fine,” she insisted when he gave her a questioning look. She sat on the bed, still naked, while he left her to go clean himself up. He returned after a few minutes and crawled into bed next to her, pulling the covers over themselves. She rolled over onto her side to look at him, tracing her fingers along his biceps.

She felt a weight upon her shoulders, like she did something she knew she wasn’t supposed to. Luke must have noticed this because he asked her, “what’s wrong?”

Emma gave a half-shrug. “I don’t know.. I just, I feel like we’re moving too fast for our own good. Again.”

“We don’t have to keep doing this if it makes you uncomfortable,” he proposed. “I mean, I know you said you wanted to wait to get into anything serious so—“

“And I still want to, I just don’t want us to get too attached to each other then something happens, and we both end up hurt in the end.”

He flicked her nose with his finger. “You care.”

“Too much, it seems,” she admitted, vacillating between whether she should keep going the way she’s going with him, or if she should just stop it all together; they could salvage their friendship—if it’s not completely lost to the sensual touches and fleeting glances.

“Then we don’t have to keep doing this,” he insisted. “I’m serious. I don’t want to… hurt you.”

Emma felt a lamb of sympathy in her chest. “You could never hurt me. I just need to know you’re getting better. Or that you’re able to live without being haunted by your past, or whatever.”

“It takes time to heal. I’m not miraculously going to get better, but I promise you I’m trying to get there. I don’t want to feel like this everyday.”

“I know, I know,” she acknowledged him. She knows he wants to get better, and he’s come a long way. When she first met him, he was very standoffish, very closed off and snippy, but now… he’s opened up to her so much more. He’s honest with her, he tells her things he doesn’t tell anyone else. He’s made a noticeable difference in himself, and she’s proud of him.

She suddenly remembered how he mentioned Jude was staying with Alex tonight, and it brought up the question in her mind whether they’re a thing or not. In any other circumstance, she wouldn’t be wondering this question, but she’s noticed recently that he and Alex are considerably closer than the other members of the band. Perhaps they’re just really good friends, but she’s been dying to know the answer to this nagging thought in her head.

“So, you mentioned Jude is staying at Alex’s,” she began slowly, “are they like… really good friends or—?”

“Jude definitely has a thing for him,” Luke answered her question before she had a chance to properly ask it. Emma was a little surprised by this—she hadn’t expected her suspicions to be true. “Has for a while. I think Alex is finally starting to realize his feelings for Jude too, which is great because now I don’t have to hear about his incessant yearning anymore.”

“Aw, don’t be rash!” Emma laughed. “I’m sure you annoy him just as much.”

Luke wrinkled his nose. “No, I don’t think so.”

They stayed up talking until the morning, not feeling one bit tired even after playing a show earlier in the night. Eventually, Emma developed a deep rumbling in her stomach, in which Luke proposed they make breakfast. He gave her an old pair of Jude’s sweats and one of his own hoodies that he harbored in his dresser, insisting that Jude wouldn’t care if he saw her wearing them. Luke pulled on some sweats and together they made their way into the kitchen.

“Do you want some coffee?” he asked her.

“Do you have cream and sugar?” Emma asked in turn. Luke shook his head, a bashful look on his face.

“Jude doesn’t drink coffee and I only drink it black, so…” trailed off, looking around his kitchen, and Emma swore she could see a bulb lighting up inside his head. “But we have tea, if you would like some. All kinds.”

He opened up a cupboard to pull out mugs for the both of them, setting them down on the counter before opening up another cabinet to reveal an array of tea and coffees. He grabbed coffee for himself and stepped aside to let Emma find her flavor of choice. She decided on Oolong tea after a few moments of looking and handed the tea bag to Luke for him to make it for her.

“So, what now?” She questioned, leaning against the counter.

“What do you mean?” He shot her a confused look.

“You have a break until September, don’t you? What are your plans until then?” she explained herself further.

Luke shrugged. “I don’t know, really. Maybe I’ll hang around at home until then. Or I’ll… go travel… or something. What about you?”

“I have some gigs, like weddings and local bands,” she explained idly. “And I’ve got my first ever modeling gig—like I’m the model. Isn’t that crazy?”

“Yeah, it is. If you like it, are you going to continue modeling?”

“Perhaps. I haven’t decided.” She trailed off, thinking of anything else she would be up to until September. Then she remembered: she’s moving, to be closer to her family. She’s been planning to move for months, but she realizes now that she hasn’t told anyone just yet. “Oh, I haven’t told anyone this yet but… I’m moving.”

His eyes widened. “What? Where to?”

“Reading, to be closer to my family,” she explained quietly. “I’ve been planning this for months but I’ve never really told anyone. Just, my parents are getting old and I want to be there with them.”

“Oh, yeah, I understand. When are you moving?”

She looked down at her feet, shifting her weight nervously between them. “Sometime this summer. I still need to find a place first. So I guess I’ll be looking for places during the summer too.”

Luke handed her her mug of tea. “We’ll still keep in touch, yeah? I mean, I don’t want to throw away our friendship after everything.”

Her breath caught in her lungs. Right, their friendship. She nodded, saying, “no, yeah, we’ll keep in touch. Maybe you can come over after I move in.”

“Yeah, that’d be nice.” He smiled at her, but his expression quickly fell when they heard the front door open. They heard Jude grumble something a few moments later, probably about the state in which they left the living room.

“Christ on a cracker,” he hissed. “A grown fucking man can’t clean up after himself every once in a while?”

Emma had to suppress her giggle at the way Luke’s face flushed at the comment. Jude walked into view a few moments later, tossing his keys onto the dining table and making his way into the kitchen. He paused when he caught sight of them, eyes narrowed suspiciously.

“Oh, Emma,” he nodded his head towards her in greeting, “didn’t know you were here. I hope you two didn’t screw on the couch, that’s not going to be fun to clean up.”

She nearly choked on her tea, eyes comically wide. Luke rubbed at the nape of his neck, nearly as red as a tomato. “Jesus Christ Jude… No, we didn’t.”

“Great,” Jude said rather cheerfully. “I’ll be in my room. Nice to see you again Emma.”

“You too.” She waved to him as he left, disappearing into his room, the door just before Luke’s.

“Sorry, I don’t know why he said that—“

“No, it’s okay,” she laughed. She took another sip of her mug, an idea popping into her head. “Hey, instead of cooking, do you want to go grab breakfast with me?”

“Uh, sure, I don’t mind.”

“Great! Go get your shoes on! I have a place in mind,” she chirped. Luke obliged her, slipping on his socks and shoes. He grabbed his keys and waited for her by the door while she got her own socks and shoes on. They made their way out to his car, where Emma instructed him to go once they were inside.

They pulled up to one of Emma’s favorite cafes not long after. Luke followed her inside and they found a seat at a table while they made up their minds about what they wanted to eat. Once decided, they went up to the counter and ordered. Their names were called a little while later.

They ate in comfortable silence, but Emma couldn’t shake the feeling that someone was watching her. It made the hair on the back of her neck stand up and she kept catching herself looking around suspiciously.

“Emma?” Luke inquired. She snapped her head in his direction. “Is something wrong?”

“I— I don’t know,” she muttered. “I keep feeling like someone is staring at me. I feel like I’m going crazy.”

Luke huffed. “That’s the downside of being famous. Somehow, I’m always running into fans in public. There’s no doubt there’s one somewhere around here.”

“That’s no fun,” she sighed.

“I know. Do you want to get out of here then?”

She nodded eagerly, to which they both got up and left the cafe quickly. However, even though they were now outside, the feeling still lingered.

“How can you go outside when you feel like this?” she asked him uncomfortably. Luke pulled her closer to him as they made the walk back to his car.

“I try not to think about it, if I’m being honest.”

They made it to his car at last and climbed inside. They sat there for a while, figuring out what they should do next. She had to admit, she wasn’t quite ready to leave Luke just yet. After last night, it was like something changed inside her. While she wanted to keep her distance before, when she was certain he wasn’t ready for her, now all she wants to do is be around him. It’s like he was some sort of magnet and she was attracted to him.

“Are you ready to go home?” he asked her. Admittedly, Emma shook her head, her cheeks pink with embarrassment.

“No, if I’m being honest with you. I… I really enjoy spending time with you,” she explained. Luke smiled, a genuine expression, and she caught herself thinking about the fact that it suited him better than the usual grim expression he wore.

“That’s fine. We don’t have to go home just yet,” he replied. He picked up his phone, opening up his GPS. “What do you want to do?”

Emma was thoughtful for a moment, thinking about what they could do together. “Why don’t we go to the market? That could be fun.”

“The market…” he echoed, typing the directions into his phone and, soon enough, they were on their way.

They arrived not long after. They walked around for a while, pointing out trinkets or bobbles they thought were interesting, talking about anything and everything as they went. After a while of walking around, Emma found a gorgeous jewelry stand. She looked through the assortment of jewelry, marveling at its beauty.

“Buying something for your girlfriend?” the woman running the stand, an older woman with greying hair, asked Luke. He laughed awkwardly, shaking his head no.

“We’re not dating,” he said, hands raised, “we’re just friends.”

“Just friends?” the woman raised a curious brow. “I would have never thought. You lot look like you’re dating.”

“Nope,” Emma butted into the conversation. “Just really good friends.”

She tugged on Luke’s arm, dragging him away from the jewelry stand in hopes of escaping the awkward encounter.

“God, that was awkward,” Luke chuckled.

“You read my mind,” she agreed. They continued walking and, somehow, she still couldn’t shake the feeling that she was being watched. She swiveled her head around, trying to find whoever it was that was staring at her but she couldn’t find anyone.

“Damnit,” she swore. “I’m starting to feel like I’m being watched again.”

“Yeah,” Luke murmured, voice low and quiet. His voice was nearly inaudible with al, the noise around them. “Looks like there’s some people that know who I am here.” She followed his line of sight, her eyes landing on a group of people huddled together just a few meters in front of them.

“Do you want to get out of here?” she asked him. Luke nodded. “Now I understand why you don’t like to leave your house.”

He rolled his eyes playfully. “Shut up,” he jabbed her with his elbow.

ᯓ★

They made their way to Emma’s flat after the market, where they settled into the couch with Lost In Space playing on the TV—Luke’s choice. He hadn't even realized Emma had fallen asleep until he looked over at her. She was lying across the couch, her feet in his lap, wrapped up in a blanket from her bedroom. She looked peaceful, although a little exhausted—they haven’t slept since the day before yesterday, for fuck’s sake.

He grabbed her foot, giving it a slight squeeze. He’s been reveling in the moments they’ve shared these past two days, and while they’ve been extremely enjoyable, he’s had this feeling in his gut that this will all end before he knows it, and he hasn’t been able to shake the feeling no matter how hard he’s tried to convince himself everything is okay. He knows Emma has her doubts, and they’re reasonable. She’s entitled to have her own opinions, but he just wishes she would look past what happened to him, look past all his angst and his trauma and see that he’s willing to give anything to get closer to her. He wants her to see how much he’s bettered himself since meeting her.

He has no idea how she did it, but it’s like she’s fixed him in a way. And though she has doubts and uncertainties, he wouldn’t trade what they have for anything in the world. He’s willing to stick by her side and prove he’s ready to love her for however long it takes her to realize this. She’s helped him in more ways than one, so much so that he’s come to the realization that he actually has the ability to love and be loved. And he thinks he loves her.

No, he doesn’t think. He knows he loves her.

Chapter Text

ᯓ★

Emma hasn’t talked to any of the band since June 15th, and she feels so fucking horrible for the way she ghosted them like this, but it wasn’t intentional. Her schedule has been so jam packed between her photography appointments and looking for a suitable place so she can move back to Reading, that she hasn’t had any spare time for even her own self.

It’s now July 15th, a whole month since her last interaction with the band—with Luke. She’s found a house (she was initially looking for a flat in the area, but she managed to find a house listed for a reasonable price in a lovely neighborhood area), and so today she’s starting the move in process.

Her flat is barren now, everything packed up and away into boxes. She’s loading her car with boxes full of her belongings while a moving crew takes her heavier furniture to the house. She’s taken a few trips back and forth between Reading and London for a few days now, taking what boxes and whatnot that she can to ease the workload for the big move-in day.

She feels a little… sad. She’s going to be leaving Maxine—her best friend of 11 years—behind in London, leaving behind all her favorite places, all her favorite people. But she’s doing this for herself, to be closer to her family. In a way, she’s starting over, leaving everything behind and starting fresh.

She loads the last box into the back of the car, her flat now completely empty since the movers have taken everything else, and slams the boot of her car shut. She climbs into the driver seat and starts the 2 hour drive to her new house.

She arrived after an entirely boring drive and unlocked the front door before running back to her car and opening it up to start carrying boxes in. Her new house is far bigger than her flat back in London; the living room is massive compared to her old one, and she has a full sized kitchen now. The house is two stories, with one bed and bath downstairs and two bedrooms and two-and-a-half bathroom upstairs.

She’s been planning out what she should do with all the empty space she has now, contemplating whether she should turn the downstairs bedroom or one of the upstairs bedrooms into her office. Also, she’s figured out she’s going to need to buy a lot more furniture to fill up the extra space in her living room and dining room now that they’re so much bigger.

The movers arrived at the house not long after she did and began carrying her furniture inside, placing them where she instructed the pieces to go. By the end of the day, all her belongings had been moved to her new house and she was already starting to rearrange where she wanted her furniture to go.

It was almost midnight when she allowed herself a break, opening a wine bottle she’d bought herself a few days prior and pouring herself a generous amount.

She couldn’t stop thinking about everything she left back in London. All the people she left behind. Sitting here now, in her empty kitchen inside her empty house, she feels lonely. She felt sort of… lost.

She had everything she needed in London, but she needed to be here for her family. She needed to move here to Reading, but she didn’t want to. Now she’s going to have to go through the process of finding favorite places to visit or to eat at, and to find new people to hang out with now that everyone else is so far away.

She caught sight of her phone out of the corner of her eye and contemplated whether she should call someone, anyone. She needs to talk to someone to ease this overwhelming feeling of loneliness she feels, so she picks up her phone and—

No, everyone she knows is probably sleeping by now. She should leave them alone. She needs to go look at furniture for the rest of her house anyway. And she needs to go grocery shopping now that she has an empty fridge and half-empty pantry. There are better things for her to do than to rouse people from their sleep.

Emma slips her phone into her back pocket and makes her way upstairs, wine glass in hand. She finds the master bedroom, where her bed and her dresser have been placed accordingly. The room is massive, nearly the size her flat’s living room was, and it has its own en-suite bathroom with a deep tub and a glass shower, and a large counter.

She’s going to need more furniture for her bedroom too, she realizes. All that she has in here now is her bed, her nightstands, and her TV and dresser. Her room looks so… barren—sad, even. She sets her glass on her nightstand and crawls into bed, cracking open her laptop for the first time in a while to do some online shopping.

By the time she decides she’s tired of sitting in bed and scrolling through endless websites, her wine glass is empty and it’s 2am, and she’s not tired at all.

Emma groans, flopping back against her bed, staring up at her ceiling. She’s bored out of her mind, and she’s still overcome with this sense of loneliness that she’s sure she won’t be able to shake for a while.

She catches sight of her phone again and seriously contemplates calling someone again. She gives in this time, opening her contacts list and calling the first name she sees: Luke.

The phone rings, once, twice, and on the third ring—

He picks up. “Hello? Emma?” His voice comes through the line groggy and tired, and she feels bad because she knows she woke him up, but she needs someone to talk to.

“Hey… sorry, I know we haven’t talked in a while,” she begins awkwardly. “I’ve been… really busy with life lately. Uh, you know how I told you I was planning on moving?”

“Uh, yeah. Did you finally do it?”

“Yeah, I just moved in today. It’s… really fucking lonely,” she admits, hating the way her voice trembled as she spoke.

“Shit, are you okay?” He asked worriedly, obviously picking up on the distress in her voice.

“Do you wanna come over? I know this is spontaneous and it’s, like 2 in the morning now but—“

“I can’t,” he interjected. “There’s—“

“Yeah, you’re right,” she said quickly, “I’ll let you go. Sorry for waking you up.”

“Emma—“ he tried to say, but she just hung up the phone. Fuck. She shouldn’t have called him in the first place. Now things are going to be even more awkward between them when they talk next—whenever that may be. She feels like a fool for getting herself into this situation.

She sniffles, hating the way she’s crying so easily. She’s so lonely. She should have never moved back to Reading if this is how it’s left her feeling.

ᯓ★

She’s kind of glad she’s been too busy with work to have any time to herself to think, otherwise she might end up like she had the other night, lonely and crying herself to sleep.

Another plus side to being with work is that the wait for all her orders to arrive didn’t feel as long. In no time, the furniture she ordered was arriving at her doorstep, which means she can begin to fill the empty space in her house.

So today, now that she has a day off, she’s sitting in her living room while she puts together a 9-cube-storage display for her books and vinyls. After this, she has to build a few bookshelves in her office, which she decided will be upstairs. She already has most of her place set up now—she got a newer, bigger couch for her living room, with a new glass coffee table and lots of pillows. She also has a brand new TV stand. Her dining room is also decorated, with a heavy wooden table customized and built in Germany, and matching chairs to go with it.

Her bedroom was shouted around a little, her bedroom against the same wall as the door, her TV hung on the wall, with a small couch in front of her bed. She still has her dresser, even though she has her own walk-in closet now.

Her office already has a desk and chair, with a complete computer monitor setup. She just needs to finish the bookshelves so she can start putting away the books she already has and buy more for herself.

The boxes she hasn’t unpacked remain taped up in the empty guest room. She hasn’t found herself needing anything out of there yet anyway, so she’s decided to just leave them alone until she needs something out of there.

With her house all filled and decorated, Emma half expected to feel a little bit better about moving out here but… she still feels a little lonely. She’s lived here for a few weeks now and she hoped that this void in her chest that she’s been feeling would be gone by the time she moved in but it felt as though the void insisted on staying.

She’s so fucking lonely and she hates it.

She hasn’t kept in contact with any of the guys either. She never even thought about calling Luke back and apologizing for that night. This loneliness is just so draining that she can’t bring herself to do a lot of things nowadays.

She wants to call someone, anyone, but she doesn’t know if she has that luxury anymore—not after going ghost and moving away like this.

One night, however, Emma found herself browsing the website for the nearby rescue, looking at all the available animals they have. She knows she’s going to leave for tour in just two months but… it wouldn’t hurt to get a companion, right?

So she closed her laptop and went to bed that night with the intent on waking up the next morning and going to the local rescue to find a pet for herself, someone to keep her company while she gets her life together—however long that may take.

She walked through all the kennels of dogs they had, greeting them and looking them over, but none of them spoke to her. None of them really stood out to her like she hoped they would, so she decided to visit the cats instead.

She looked through all the cats, reading their names and their information, hoping at least one of them would stick out to her.

That’s when she came across a bonded pair of cats: an old, orange tabby tom named Francis, who was deaf. And his companion, a scrawny tortoiseshell with the prettiest green eyes Emma had ever seen, and she was named Scat Cat.

Emma fell in love with them immediately, and she signed the papers to take them home within 30 minutes.

So now, here she is: sitting on her couch with her two new feline companions sitting in the large window across from her, pressing against each other. She went and bought them collars while she was out too, so now they have matching black and purple collars with stars on them.

This was the right move, she thinks. She already feels more at home with them here. But, even with them around now, she can’t shake the void in her chest. She misses her friends, she misses being able to hang out with them everyday. She hasn’t seen any of them—not even Maxine—in almost two months.

It’s like her phone is begging her to call someone, but she refuses to give in. She ghosted them all, she doesn’t deserve to walk right back into their lives like nothing happened at all. But… if she doesn’t call them, everything will just be more awkward when she sees them in September.

Later that night, while she was sitting by herself after her shower, she caved. She picked up her phone and called Max. They talked for what felt like hours, catching up on everything they missed while they’ve been too busy to talk. Apparently, as Emma found out, Max and Logan got back together and they’re happier than ever. She didn’t fill in Max on everything, like how she’s constantly sad and lonely, but she did tell her how she got Francis and Scat Cat, and that she loves them. She also told Maxine that she doesn’t really talk to the guys anymore, that they’ve sort of drifted apart, but that she and Luke did get super close before things ended between them. After that, she hung up the phone and set it aside.

She couldn’t help but think about how maybe moving away was the wrong decision. She feels almost depressed living here. She’s so far away from everything she loves, and she can’t help but think she threw away everything she worked for, between her friendship with Maxine and her relationships with the guys.

She thinks about Luke more often than not, about what they could’ve been if she just fucking stayed, if she saw who he was past all the damage he’d been dealt.

But that’s not her problem anymore. She gave all of that up when she decided to move away.

Chapter Text

ᯓ★

It’s September 15th. Her birthday.

The break seemed to pass by in a blur, she didn’t have a moment to think before it was over.

It’s September 15th, which also means she’s going to be seeing the guys for the first time in three months. She’s meeting them at the airport, where they’re going to leave for the United States. They’ll leave at 10am, and arrive in Atlanta around 3pm.

She’s going through security, her heart beating out of her chest at the thought of facing them all again after months of no contact. She feels like such a dickhead, leaving them in the dark and just showing up like nothing happened, but she couldn’t bring herself to call them—any of them. Especially not Luke, not after that night.

She gathered her luggage and began to make her way to her designated boarding gate, wanting nothing more than to turn foot and go back home.

She spots them, all gathered together near the boarding gate—but there’s a new face amongst them. A woman, much taller than she is, with dirty blonde hair and hazel eyes. Emma feels her stomach lurch. Great, this is going to be even more awkward. They’ve probably fucking replaced her.

Liam is the first to spot her, rising to his feet and greeting her with a huge smile. “Emma! My favorite lady!” he exclaimed, enveloping her in a tight hug. She laughed awkwardly.

“Hey,” she said shyly once he let her go. “Long time no see, yeah?”

“Yeah, what the hell? Where’d you go?” Liam asked her pointedly. Emma shuffled her feet, wishing she could just curl up in a ball and hide away from them.

“I moved,” she explained, “to Reading, to be closer to my family. And I’ve just been so busy between moving and work I haven’t had time to reach out.”

Liam’s expression softened. He gave her a pat on the shoulder. “Well, I’m glad you’re back now. How’s Reading been treating you?”

She sighed heavily. “It’s been nice,” she lied. There’s no way she would let them know she feels like she’s living in fucking hell there. Liam steps aside and Emma accidentally locks eyes with the new girl.

She waves and Emma waves back awkwardly. “I’m Anna,” she introduces herself, reaching forward for a handshake. Emma takes it, surprised at how firm the shake is.

“Emma,” she says.

“You’re the photographer, correct? Luke’s shown me some of your work. It’s incredible.”

Emma is a little taken aback by this. “Luke?” she asks aloud.

Anna nodded. “Yeah, I guess I haven’t properly introduced myself. I’m Luke’s girlfriend. He invited me along for the tour.”

It felt as though her heart plummeted to her ass. She wanted to keel over and throw up her guts right then and there. Emma looked over at Luke but he avoided her eye, choosing to look anywhere but at her. “Oh, that’s awesome,” she forced herself to say. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“You too,” Anna said sweetly before sitting back down. Emma swallowed thickly, looking between the guys but they all avoided her gaze. They knew, she realized. They knew this entire time and didn’t think to fucking tell her? Not once?

She took a seat a few chairs away from Anna, slipping her headphones on over her ears and turning on her music, turning it up as loud as it could go in hopes of drowning out her thoughts, but to no avail.

She felt like she was going to be sick. She knows she up and ghosted them all, especially Luke, but… how could he move on so quickly? How could he get himself together and make things work with Anna and not her? He told her he was willing to get better for her. She thought…

No, it doesn't matter what she thought anymore. Obviously what they had meant nothing to him if he could move on so quickly. She blinked rapidly, fighting back the tears that began to well up. She just wants to go home now.

It felt like ages before their flight was called. Emma rose to her feet and boarded as quickly as possible, choosing a window seat. Liam sat next to her, and Alex in the next seat over.

“Emma,” Liam said solemnly. He touched her arm but she shrugged him off. “Emma, I’m sorry—“

“No you’re not,” she snapped. “If you were sorry, you would have told me when you found out so I wouldn’t show up looking like a damn fool.”

“I wanted to tell you, I really did,” Liam insisted. Emma didn’t believe a word he said.

“Then why didn’t you?” she demanded. Liam visibly deflated, looking rather defeated.

“Luke… told us not to tell you,” Liam explained. “I guess he wanted to tell you himself, but I see now that he didn’t.”

Emma inhaled shakily. “It’s not my business anymore.” She pulled her headphones back over her ears and turned towards the window, closing her eyes in hopes of catching some sleep before they landed.

She did manage to fall asleep, somewhere in between take off and landing. But now they’re in Atlanta, and they’re stepping off the plane. Emma grabbed her luggage and followed Liam around until they met up with the others, who managed to get off before they did. She avoided looking at Luke as much as possible until they got into their tour van. She chose to sit in the back, with Liam by her side, while everyone else sat in front of them.

She couldn’t hear anything above her music, and she didn’t want to. The ride was short—well, short compared to their 9 hour flight. They made it from Atlanta to Duluth in an hour, considering the traffic, and managed to check into their hotel fairly quickly.

Liam came knocking on her door saying they were going to go explore and then go to dinner if she wanted to tag along, but she declined.

Instead, she stayed in her room. It’s her birthday. She’s supposed to be happy on her birthday, celebrating with the people she loves. But no. Instead, she’s in a completely different country than the people she loves most, crying her heart out over a guy she never even dated. They were just friends last time she checked, and she was convinced she didn’t like him romantically.

She lied to herself, of course, because she didn’t want to get too attached to someone she wasn’t even sure was over his ex. Turns out, she did get attached, but it doesn’t matter anymore. He has a fucking girlfriend now.

After a while of sulking around, Emma forced herself up out of her bed. She slipped on her shoes and made her way down to the lobby, where she asked the receptionist some recommendations on places to go. She found a pub eventually and made her way over to the bar, ordering a Red Bull vodka. 

ᯓ★

“Dude, Luke, what the hell?” Liam hissed, pulling the singer aside. Luke gave him an incredulous look.

“What?” he asked.

“You didn’t tell Emma you have a girlfriend? Then you have the audacity to bring her on tour with us?” Liam demanded. Luke pulled his arm out of his grasp, taking a step back.

“Emma and I are over. That ended months ago,” he said harshly.

“You know it’s her birthday today? And she’s spending it fucking heartbroken,” Liam spat before walking off. Luke watched him go, feeling immensely guilty. He knows he should have told Emma about him and Anna but… No, there’s no excuse. He didn’t tell her when he should have. She deserved to know, especially considering she was waiting for him.

But he didn’t know it was her birthday today, and he didn’t know she was spending it alone. He feels like such a dickhead. God, he’s fucked this up for sure.

“Luke?” Anna calls his name. He turns to look at her. His heart sinks to his stomach, knowing what he’s done to Emma. “You okay, babe?”

He blinks, shaking his head as if to clear his thoughts. “Yes, I’m fine. Are you ready to go eat?”

“Yeah, do you have any place in mind? I’ve never been outside of the UK before so I’m not sure…”

“That’s alright,” he told her, “I’ve been here plenty of times.”

They eventually found somewhere to eat—a place called El Viñedo that Luke had eaten at what must be close to a thousand times now. It’s definitely one of his favorite places to go when he’s in the area, and he’s glad he gets to share this with Anna.

She’s sitting across from him, looking through the menu, chewing on her bottom lip, and he thinks she can’t get anymore gorgeous.

He feels a pang of guilt in his chest, thinking about what Liam told him earlier. He feels awful knowing she’s spending her birthday alone. He’s spent a good deal of birthdays alone before, so he knows how it feels. And it sucks ass. He’d never wish that upon anyone, but it’s not like he can just up and leave and cater to Emma’s every need now. Maybe he would have a few months ago, but that’s in the past now. Plus, he’s with Anna now, and he really likes her.

She’s funny, she’s smart, she’s kind—everything he likes. Additionally, she’s easy on the eyes.

He just wishes things could have ended differently between him and Emma. One second, he’s staying up all night talking to her, spending all of his time with her, and the next, she’s gone, like a ghost. Like she was never there to begin with.

After a week of not hearing from her, he went knocking on her door, but she never answered. Then nearly a month passed and he returned, knocking on her door again, but Emma didn’t answer the door. Instead, it was someone else, a complete stranger. Luke managed to glimpse the inside of the flat and saw that the layout was completely different—none of her stuff was in there anymore. She completely up and moved.

So he gave up on waiting for her and began to look for something new with someone else. Emma called him that night, and he could tell she was upset, but she hung up just as quickly as she called, and he never heard from her since.

He still checked her Instagram and her other socials, in which she rarely posted on those too. It’s like… after that day they spent together, something changed between them—at least, that’s what Luke thinks, because if Emma truly wanted him like he believed she did, she would have never left him like that.

But then he met Anna. He had to admit, she reminded him a lot of Emma, and part of him thinks that’s the only reason he pursued her. Maybe it is, but he’ll never admit that aloud.

He just hates how things turned out between him and Emma. He really believed they could have worked back then, but things just weren’t meant to be it seems.

ᯓ★

Emma returned back to the hotel after a few drinks, not really feeling like being out anymore. She just doesn’t want to feel the way she does anymore. She wants to go back to when she was only worried about how things would be between her and the band. She doesn’t want to have to think about how Luke completely left her in the dust for this new chick.

She has to admit though, she can see why Luke went for her. She’s gorgeous. She’s tall and slender and she has great boobs. And a perfect smile. And she seems extremely nice.

And Emma isn’t any of those things. She’s short and she has a belly pooch, and her boobs barely pass as A cups. She definitely doesn’t have a perfect smile—she’s lucky that her teeth were straight enough to not need braces growing up. And she’s standoffish, it’s hard for her to make friends.

She’s nothing like Anna. She has no idea why Luke even indulged in her when she’s nothing like how Anna is. Maybe he never actually liked her. Maybe there’s a reason he never fought to become more than friends with her.

There was a knock at her door. Emma groaned, forcing herself out of bed and reluctantly opening up the door. Liam was standing on the other side, an expectant look on his face.

“What’re you doing? I thought you were out with everyone else?” Emma asked him, stepping out to look down the hallway. No one, just him.

“I’m here because no one deserves to spend their birthday alone,” he spoke candidly. “Come on, we’re gonna go eat cake and sing Happy Birthday whilst drunk.”

“Liam, you don’t have to do this—“

“I want to. And because I feel horrible for what’s happened between you and Luke.”

Emma sighed. “Okay, fine. Let me get my shoes on.”

Liam took her to a supermarket, where they picked out a cake for her and bought a six pack of beers. They bought candles too—the numbers 2 and 7—before Liam tugged her along saying he was going to take her somewhere where no one could bother them. Emma was a little perplexed by this but she obliged him anyway.

Turns out, they were headed to the arena they’re supposed to play tomorrow. And they’re standing in it now, and it’s empty and it’s so huge. 

They’re sitting in the middle of the floor, with their beers and the cake sitting out in front of them. It’s quiet and no one is here but she doesn’t feel lonely—not like she does back at her new house.

“Want to light it?” Liam asked her. He opened up the candles and stuck them into the cake, while Emma pulled out her lighter and lit them. The light is dim compared to the large, empty space. It’s small but it’s warm and it’s happy. She looked up at Liam, who was watching her.

“Thanks for doing this,” she told him. She tucked her hair behind her ears. “You really didn’t have to.”

He gave her a soft smile. “I wanted to. I feel horrible about everything that’s happened, and I felt even worse that you were spending your birthday like—“ he gestured to her— “this.”

Emma laughed. “Thanks Liam. This means a lot.”

She held her hair back and blew out her candles. Liam cracked open their beers while Emma picked up a fork and took a bite of her cake. It means so much to her that Liam went out of his way to do this for her, but she just wishes things didn’t have to be like this. She wishes she didn’t move away at all, or that she had at least kept in contact with everyone. Otherwise, she wouldn’t be feeling this way, on her birthday no less.

“Liam?” she asked meekly. He looked down at her, brows raised.

“Emma? You okay?” he asked her. She shook her head.

“I regret moving,” she blurted before she could help herself. “I moved to be closer to my parents now that they’re both getting older but— it’s not the same. I feel lonelier living there than I had living on my own in London. And I called Luke the first night I moved in but it didn’t seem like he wanted to talk at all. And I felt so lonely living there. Like, I’m pretty sure I was becoming depressed or something.”

“Emma… You know, you can always call me if you’re feeling lonely,” he told her gently. “I don’t care if it's a two hour drive, I’ll be there if you ask me to.”

“I got fucking cats because I felt so lonely,” she admitted.

Liam laughed aloud. “Seriously?”

“Yeah. Their names are Francis and Scat Cat.”

“Scat Cat, like from the movie Aristocats?”

Emma ducked her head shyly, her cheeks flushed pink. “Yeah…”

“No, I love it,” Liam said quickly when he noticed her embarrassment. “I’d love to come over, if you’ll have me.”

“Of course.” She took another bite of her cake, feeling like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders now that she’s finally shared that with him. Her chest still constricts whenever she thinks about how her life is now, but at least someone else has a little bit of insight into her life now, so she doesn’t feel completely lonely.

“You know, Luke didn't take you leaving lightly,” Liam spoke slowly. Emma rolled her eyes. Yeah, he didn’t take it lightly so he moved on as quickly as possible. Right. “I’m serious. He visited your flat the first week he didn’t hear from you, but apparently you never answered.”

She felt her stomach lurch. He must have stopped by while she was at work, or something or the other. Otherwise, she would have answered in a heartbeat. “He did?”

“Yeah, and he went back like a month later but someone had already moved into your flat. I don’t think he wanted to move on but you were gone. If I’m being honest, I think he’s just with Anna because he needs something to fill the void.”

“He could have reached out,” Emma pointed out.

“You could’ve too,” Liam shot back. “You’re both at fault here, you know. I just told you that so you would know that he didn’t take this lightly at all.”

“Whatever,” she grumbled.

They sat together, drinking their beers and eating the cake until nearly one in the morning. Emma could feel herself growing exhausted, especially after a full day of traveling and mind grueling information. After a while, they made a mutual agreement to gather their things and head back to the hotel.

Emma’s eternally grateful for Liam. She wholeheartedly thought she was just going to spend her birthday sad and tipsy, longing for someone that wants nothing to do with her, but then he swooped in and bought her a cake and kept her entertained for hours. He’s an angel, really.

Emma paused just outside her hotel door, looking up at Liam. “Thanks, again. You have no idea how much this means to me.”

“I’d do anything for you, Emma,” he told her fondly. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to her temple. “I’m serious, if you ever start to feel lonely back home, you can call me. I don’t care what time it is, I’ll be there.”

She blinked rapidly, fighting back the tears that stung at her eyes. “Thanks. I love you, you know that?”

Liam gave her a side hug, chuckling. “I love you too.”

With that, Emma slipped inside her hotel room. She needs a shower, after a day of traveling and whatnot, but she’s beyond exhausted. So, instead, she changed into her pajamas and crawled into bed.

She hates how she threw everything away. While she didn’t want to admit it all those months ago, she really felt something for Luke. She definitely saw him as more than just a friend, but she was scared. She didn’t want to end up hurting him in the end, or end up hurting herself by getting into a relationship with someone she knows is unstable. Luke was not okay, not when he was pursuing her. She's glad he seems better now, she just wishes he could have been better with her. Not Anna. 

She had something great with Luke. But now… she has nothing. She can’t even look at him anymore. She can’t help but think she took what they had for granted, and now it’s biting her in the ass.

Emma groaned frustratedly. She’s exhausted yet sleep isn’t coming to her at all. She sat up in bed, catching sight of her hoodie with her cigarette box and lighter inside. She knows she shouldn’t smoke, but she needs this—as an outlet. Just this once, and never again. She crawled out of bed and pulled her hoodie on, as well as her socks and shoes. She remembered seeing an option to go up to the rooftop of the hotel, so she decided that’s where she would go to smoke really quickly. Just to get her mind off of things.

The rooftop was quiet, empty, save for a few lounge chairs and light posts. She’s secretly grateful no one else is up here, maybe then she can have a moment of pure silence.

She pulls out a cigarette and lights it, taking a long, slow drag. She liked the way the smoke burned inside her throat and lungs, the way it billowed out of her mouth and curled into the air. The city is still alive, somehow. Building lights are still on, people are driving along the road, or walking down the pavement. Kind of like New York in the movies she’s seen before.

She hears the elevator open behind her and she whips around, her heart sinking into her stomach when she sees Luke step off. She fights the urge to scoff and roll her eyes, instead turning to look back over her view of Duluth from where she stood. It’s like he’s everywhere, always on her mind. Like a curse. Like an annoying swarm of gnats.

“Oh,” she heard him gasp softly. She took another drag of her cigarette, squeezing her eyes shut, silently willing him to go away. But he doesn’t. Instead, he walks right up to her, coming to stand beside her, looking over the city as well.

“What are you doing?” Emma asks suddenly, her tone coming out meaner than she intended. He shrugged, shuffling his feet awkwardly.

“I didn’t know it was your birthday,” he said finally. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why didn’t you tell me you have a girlfriend?” Emma asked him accusingly. He sighed heavily.

“I don’t know.”

She looked at him incredulously. “Are you serious?”

He shoved his hands into his pockets, shifting his weight between his feet. He was avoiding looking at her, she realized. He’s looking anywhere but at her. “You up and left, Emma. After that day together, I never heard from you again. What the fuck happened there?”

“I told you I was booked with gigs! I barely had time to think to myself, for fuck’s sake. You didn’t reach out either, mind you.”

“Because I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me!” He’s raising his voice now. It’s weird, strange. Scary. She’s never seen him like this, even back when they were butting heads. “You didn’t reach out ever. Not even the day after I left your flat. I was so fucking worried I went back to your flat twice, only to find out you were gone.”

She wanted to hurl. God, she can’t believe she’s having this conversation. “Yiu have a fucking girlfriend now. You shouldn’t be talking to me.”

“What? What does having a girlfriend have to do with talking to you?”

“Does she know about us? You know, how you fucked me? Or how I was willing to wait for you?”

Luke narrowed his eyes at her. “What has gotten into you?”

She huffed, kicking her feet. She dropped her cigarette onto the ground and stomped it out. “Why were you willing to get better for her and not me? You told me you wanted to get better—“

“I didn’t get better,” he cut her off. “After you left, I started to spiral again. I was a damn mess. I… I’m only with Anna because she reminds me of you.”

Emma felt repulsed. She looked at him with pure disgust, it felt like. “Are you serious? You only get with girls because they remind you of your exes? You know how fucked up that is?”

“I know.” He ran his hand through his hair, looking back at the elevator door anxiously. He looked like he wanted to say something but didn’t, couldn’t. Emma shook her head disappointedly.

“Good night Luke,” she told him. She turned to leave but his hand on her wrist stopped her.

“I never stopped missing you, you know,” he blurted against his better judgement. “If things were different, I’d choose you over her in a heartbeat.”

Emma yanked herself out of his grasp, fighting back the tears in her eyes. “Does Anna know this?” He didn’t say anything—his silence was all the answer she needed. Emma just turned foot and left him behind on the rooftop. She’s so done with him. How could he admit that to her so easily, when he has an entire girlfriend? How could he have given up on her so easily when he claimed he still misses her?

If he really missed her, Emma thought, he would have tried harder to reach out to her. He would have reached out, but he didn’t. And that says more than words ever could.

Chapter Text

ᯓ★

Luke watched her go—he watched her leave again. His heart felt like it had been shattered into a million pieces. He knows he hurt her, but she hurt him too. She told him she would wait for him to get better but she left. She completely disappeared and he thought it was all his fault.

He stayed on the rooftop for a little while after she left to get some fresh air. That’s why he came out here in the first place—to have a moment to just breathe. He’s tired of being caught up in everyone’s problems, he just wants everyone to leave him alone for once. And he can’t go back to Anna, not right now. Not after… everything.

He wants to take things slow with her. He doesn’t want to jump into things and get so attached just for things to end abruptly between them. He learned that lesson with Emma.

After a while, Luke gathered himself and decided to return back to his hotel room. The elevator ride there was quiet, a kind of silence that didn’t quite sit right with him. He hesitated outside his door, not quite ready to see Anna again, but he forced himself to open the door anyway. She’s lying in their shared bed, surprisingly still awake. The TV is playing some sort of medical show—Grey’s Anatomy, if Luke can recall correctly. She sits up as he walks in, a smile set upon her features. Luke flashed her a faulty smile as he shut the door behind himself and crossed the room to stand by the bed.

“Hey handsome,” she croons. Luke internally cringed at this but smiled down at her nevertheless.

“Hey,” he murmured. He sat down on the edge of the bed to take off his shoes, his back to her. He can’t look at her right now. He feels so damn guilty after his encounter with Emma.

He takes off his jeans and crawls under the covers next to Anna, watching the show she put on. Almost instantly, he feels her hands on him, sliding beneath the hem of his shirt. She kisses him but he doesn’t kiss her back, which leads her to pull away and look down at him with a concerned expression.

“Not in the mood tonight,” was all he offered in explanation. Anna huffed, obviously trying her best to restrain herself.

“You’re never in the mood,” she practically pouted. She rolled over to lay on her back on her respective side of the bed. “It’s been three months, when are you going to fuck me?”

Luke rolled his eyes. “Seriously? Is that all you’re worried about in the relationship? Getting laid?”

“I just want to make love to you. I want to show you how much I love you.”

“Not tonight, Anna. I’m not in the mood,” he said firmly before rolling over onto his side, his back to her. She just sighed softly. Luke closed his eyes in hopes of catching some sleep but it was impossible with all the thoughts racing through his mind.

He feels horrible for everything he’s done, for what he’s about to do, but he also knows that he’s not the only one at fault here. He just wishes things could have turned out differently between Emma and him. He really liked her. He thought he loved her at some point, but after she disappeared…

Anna turned off the TV and rolled over onto her side. Luke never got a wink of sleep that night.

He stayed up all night just thinking— about everything. That was, until Anna’s alarm went off and he forced himself to get up.

He feels like utter shit. He’s so exhausted—he hasn’t been able to sleep lately, not while he’s with Anna. She can’t sleep with the TV on, but he can’t sleep with it off, so every time she’s over he sacrifices his sleep schedule for her… which is almost every night. Sometimes he manages to pass out from exhaustion but even then he sleeps fitfully.

Luke quickly dresses himself and stuffs all his belongings back into his luggage cases. He tells Anna he’s gonna go ahead and check out the tour bus that’s supposed to be waiting for them out front before slipping out of his room. Once he’s in the hallway, he feels like he can finally breathe clearly. It’s suffocating, being with Anna, but he feels like he needs her.

He runs into Jude in the lobby, who informs him that the tour bus is in fact waiting for them outside and that Emma and Liam have chosen to ride on the other bus. Luke feels an overwhelming sense of guilt, because he knows this is because of him, but he says nothing. He returns his hotel room keys and proceeds to climb onto the bus, sliding his suitcase under one of the bunks and tossing his bag onto his usual bunk.

They’re fortunate enough to have been able to afford a more luxurious tour bus this time around, with a decent sized kitchen (with a full sized fridge!), an exceptional lounge space, and bunks with just a little more wiggle room. And the couches are big enough to sleep on, so maybe he’ll be able to catch some sleep with the TV on.

He opens the fridge, relieved to find it was already filled with various drinks, and steals a Red Bull (despite knowing he’d get an earful from Jude later). He cracks it open and plops down on the couch, kicking off his shoes before propping his feet up.

Alex and Jude step onto the bus not long after, Anna following close behind them. She finds the bunk where he put his belongings and sets her things with his before joining him on the couch.

“You okay?” She asked, running her fingers through his hair. “You look tired.”

“Yeah, I didn’t sleep well last night,” he admitted.

“Too excited about today?” she asked with a teasing smile. Luke chuckled lightly, shaking his head.

“Are you excited? You get to see me all dressed up for the first time.”

“I bet you’ll look so sexy,” she whispered against his lips, a mischievous smile on her face before she kissed him. He kissed her back this time, enjoying the way her lips moved against his. He closed his eyes to savor the moment, but images of Emma flashed behind his lids. He pulled away rather quickly, which earned a weird look from Anna.

“You okay?” She furrowed her brows.

“Sorry I—“ he cleared his throat awkwardly, trying to think of a lie to tell her— “I thought I had to sneeze.”

“Don’t be sorry.” She kissed him again before giving his knee a squeeze and standing up. “I heard Liam is riding on the other bus, with the photographer— what’s her name? Emily?”

“Emma,” Luke corrected her.

“Are they a thing?”

Luke nearly choked on his own spit. God, he hoped they weren’t. “No, I don’t think so. They’re just really good friends.”

“She seems really nice,” Anna went on, “and I want to get to know her better—seeing as she’s another woman on tour with you—but she seems a little skittish.”

Luke shifted nervously in his seat. Why are they talking about Emma of all things? “Just a little. She’s a really nice girl once you get to know her.”

Anna looked thoughtful. “Maybe I’ll go talk to her later, once we’re at the venue.”

“Talk to who?” Liam butted in, suddenly appearing on the bus. Luke wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear. He wants more than anything for everyone to drop this topic.

“Oh, I was asking about Emma,” Anna explained. “Luke was just telling me how she’s really nice once you get to know her.”

Liam raised his brows, obviously surprised by this. “Oh, yeah,” he said with a mischievous look, “but did you know those two used to butt heads all the time? They could barely be in a room with each other without starting one of their petty arguments.”

Anna laughed in disbelief but Luke just ducked his head in embarrassment, wanting nothing more than to sink into the couch and disappear.

“Really? Luke, I didn’t know you were like that,” Anna commented.

“Anyways, I came on here to let you know Emma and I are going to be staying on the other bus,” Liam announced. “But I am going to steal a few drinks.”

He made his way over to the fridge and grabbed two energy drinks and a water before climbing off.

“I think I’m gonna go talk to Emma now, then,” Anna decided and followed Liam off the bus. Luke watched her go, his heart in his throat. He knows how upset Emma is at him, he can’t imagine how upset she must be at Anna. But he shined that thought into the back of his head. It’s all he’s been thinking about and he needs a break from it, so he turns on the TV and closes his eyes in hopes of catching a bit of sleep.

ᯓ★

She tossed her things onto her bunk just as Liam stepped onto the bus with drinks in his hands. He handed her her water and cracked open his own drink.

“Thanks,” Emma murmured. “This is much needed after all those drinks I had last night.”

She felt the bus shake as someone stepped onto it. Emma looked past Liam to see Anna walking in, a bright smile on her face. She waved nervously and, somehow, Emma felt obligated to wave back.

“Anna, hi,” Emma greeted her.

“Hi! I actually came to see you,” she said. Emma felt her heart skip a beat.

“Me?” she pointed to herself, obviously confused.

“Yeah. I know the guys pretty well but I’m not so familiar with you, so… I just wanted to talk to you—get to know you, yeah?”

Emma blinked. “Oh, I mean— yeah, come on in.”

Liam excused himself and retreated to his bunk, while Emma and Anna made their way over to the couch. Emma could feel her heart beating faster, her palms beginning to sweat from the sheer amount of nervousness she was feeling.

“So how long have you known the band?” Anna asked firstly. Emma let out a sharp exhale, relieved that the first question wasn’t so inquisitive.

“Only since earlier this year,” she answered.

“Liam told me you and Luke used to butt heads,” Anna chuckled, “is that true?”

Emma felt her cheeks flush. “Yeah, we didn’t get along so well at first. We became pretty good friends during the festivals but we sort of drifted apart after I moved away from London. How did you two meet, by the way?”

“Oh, at a bar one night in July,” Anna offered. “He was a few drinks deep, sitting by himself, and I was with a friend. I thought he looked so fine, so I talked to him and… now here we are!”

Emma chuckled lightly, but she was only half listening. She was looking closely at Anna instead, practically scanning over her features. Anna is so… perfect. She’s so effortlessly beautiful, and just from looking at her, Emma can tell Anna is everything she’s not.

“Wait— you’re wearing a Tate McRae jersey,” Anna said suddenly, “do you listen to her?”

She was taken aback by this. “Yeah, I do. Do you—?”

Anna nodded eagerly. “Yeah, actually! That’s insane, I’ve never met someone else that listens to her too. What’s your favorite song of her’s? Mine has to be “cut my hair.””

“I think mine is “No I’m not in love.” But it’s hard to choose when she has three no-skip albums,” Emma said. Her heart swelled in her chest. She didn’t think she would particularly like Anna but, after finding out they share a favorite music artist, and seeing that Anna has nothing but good intentions, it’s kind of hard not to like her.

“Have you ever seen her in concert?” Anna asked.

“Yes! I went to her Are We Flying? Tour. Have you?”

“I went to her Think Later tour. I wanted to go to her Miss Possessive tour but I was so caught up in life that I didn’t have a chance.”

Emma clicked her tongue. “Oh, yeah, me too. Next tour she has, I’m definitely going.”

Anna laughed. “Me too! Speaking of tour, this is the first one I’ve ever been on that’s, like, behind the scenes. Any advice or anything—?”

Emma waved her hand dismissively, happy to be of help to her new (somewhat) friend. “It’s really fun, you’ll love it. There’s a lot of sleepless nights and rushing about when we have back to back shows, but other than that, it’s really enjoyable.”

Anna let out a sigh of relief. “Okay, thanks. I wasn’t so sure about how I would feel—but I think I’ll do fine with you around. Say, would you want to get drinks with me sometime? Maybe tonight or when we get to Orlando?”

Emma smiled—a genuine smile. And, miraculously, she felt as though a weight had been lifted off of her shoulders after getting to know Anna a little bit more. She’s not as bad as she thought she would be. “Yeah, I’d love that.”

They arrived at the venue not even 20 minutes later. Anna stayed on Emma and Liam’s (and the Espera’s) bus on the ride there, and they chatted the entire time. And Emma was pleased to find Anna was a genuine person, and that they had a lot in common, which was a relief to find out until Emma remembered what Luke told her last night: he’s only with Anna because she reminds him of her. She feels bad, because she can clearly see how much Anna likes Luke—but does he feel anything for her at all?

Once the buses came to a stop behind the venue, Emma and Anna stepped off the bus and made their way inside via the back doors. They stepped out into the empty arena, where Emma watched Anna marvel at its sheer size.

“Oh my God it’s huge,” she breathed.

“Yeah, imagine how it’ll look when it’s full of people,” Emma added.

“I can’t wait to see that.”

Emma hummed in agreement, looking around the empty arena. She was here last night, but it was dark and she wasn’t in a good headspace. Now that the lights are on and she’s in a clearer mindset, she can really see just how massive it looks, standing at the bottom looking up at all the empty seats. She can’t wait to see it filled with all Sleep Token’s fans too.

“So, what do we do now?” Anna asked her. Emma shrugged.

“I’m just the photographer, so really I just wait around until close to showtime, then I clean and boot up my camera,” Emma explained. Just as she finished speaking, a crew member walked by carting what looked like Jude’s drums, and another crew member walked by with the guitars.

Anna hummed thoughtfully, watching as everyone walked back and forth. “It gets busy quickly, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, just a little,” Emma replied. “Say, do you want to grab lunch with me later? Get to know each other a little more, maybe?”

Anna’s face lit up. She looked absolutely beautiful and Emma felt her heart throb in her chest when she remembered she’s with Luke. “Yes! I’d love to.”

She caught sight of Luke walking up out of the corner of her eye and it felt as though her heart plummeted to her ass. Anna’s eyes brightened, however, and she smiled big. Luke returned a taut smile, looking a bit uneasy himself. In fact, he looked exhausted, Emma noticed as she looked him over. He looks like he hasn’t gotten a wink of sleep in a few nights.

“Hey,” he murmured.

“Hey you!” Anna chirped. Luke flashed Emma an uneasy glance, the first time he’s looked at her since… God, she can’t even remember, but Emma looked away. She couldn’t meet his eyes.

“Where’ve you been?” Luke asked his girlfriend. Emma felt like she was impeding, so she excused herself and quickly slipped away. She found herself in the hallway backstage, where the bathrooms and the dressing rooms are. She walked down the hallway until she found the large dressing room, where all the costumes were currently being loaded in.

The crew in charge of the costumes loaded in racks of garment bags, which had the cloaks inside, and black case boxes which she assumed had the masks and Luke’s feathers and pauldron inside. Emma stepped into the dressing room, where her camera equipment had been set inside as well, and turned it on. She clicked through the pictures she’d taken during Sleep Token’s break between Download and today. She’d been fortunate enough to be booked all summer, and had the opportunity to photograph a multitude of gigs.

She’d also been fortunate enough to earn her first modeling gig this summer too—for a local clothing brand in London. She enjoyed it a lot, enjoyed getting all dolled up and posing in clothes that make her feel good about herself. After those modeling pictures were posted, she received a few more modeling opportunities and took those up too—for some clothing and swimwear brands. But now that’s over, and she’s too busy on tour to take anything else up right now.

“Fancy seeing you here,” Alex’s voice cut into her thoughts. Emma’s head snapped up in his direction to find him and Jude standing in the doorway.

“Oh, hey. Am I in the way—?”

“No, you’re fine, love,” Jude told her. He crossed the room to stand in front of her. “You okay? You’ve been looking a little bummed out lately.”

Emma brushed the stray strands of her hair behind her ears. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just… busy.”

“Busy sulking?” Alex chimed in, shooting her a pointed look. Emma sighed softly, shrugging half-heartedly.

“I’ve just had a lot on my mind lately,” she offered in explanation.

Alex gave her shoulder a somewhat comforting squeeze. “I heard about what happened between you and Luke—your guys’ falling out. I’m sorry, Emma.”

“It’s— it’s mostly my fault, so don’t be sorry,” she brushed it off. “Luke’s the one who was hurt most by it.”

Jude crossed his arms over his chest. “You seem to not be taking the news of Luke’s new girlfriend well. I know you guys were pretty close back then.”

She swallowed thickly. She didn’t know they knew about them—if they knew about them at all. Did Luke tell them once she left? “Yeah, it’s whatever.”

“We’re here if you ever need to talk,” Alex offered. Emma flashed him a faint smile and nodded her head subtly.

“Thanks,” she said, cursing silently at the way her voice was barely audible.

She wandered around for a little while longer until it was nearly lunchtime, but when she found Anna, she sadly informed her that she was going to go to lunch with Luke instead, but that she was always welcome to tag along, but Emma politely declined. She was about to retreat back to the large dressing room but Liam stopped her short.

“Hey, I heard you just got blown off,” he said, draping his arm over her shoulders as they walked. “I’ll go to lunch with you, if you want.”

“You’d do that?” she asked hopefully.

Liam flicked her shoulder. “Yes, you know that. So, where shall we go?”

She shrugged. “There’s supposed to be a Jimmy John’s around here if you want subs.”

“I’m feeling more burger and chips,” he decided. “Is that good with you?”

“Yeah, why not?”

They found a pub nearby and sat together in a booth near the back. Emma thought she was hungry but now that she’s looking down at the burger in front of her, she feels almost sick. She can’t eat this—not with everything on her mind at the moment. She chose to take a sip of her drink instead, playing with the napkin wrapped around her silverware.

“I can’t believe I actually like her,” Emma admitted aloud with a heavy exhale. Liam looked up from his burger at her with an inquisitive look.

“Who? Anna?” he managed around his mouthful of food. Emma nodded solemnly.

“Like, we have a lot in common,” she went on, “but I just— I can’t believe I like her. I thought I was going to loathe her for the extent of the tour but…”

Liam set down his burger on his tray and sat back against the back wall of the booth, arms crossed over his chest. “So, what happened between you and Luke? Why are you both sulking around and acting like angsty teenagers around each other?”

Emma shook her head, seemingly trying to find the correct words to describe whatever the hell happened between her and Luke.

“I guess there’s always been something between us since Nuremberg, but after Download…” she trailed off, remembering the way they were with each other then. When Luke spent the night at her place, or when she spent the night at his.

“What, did you two shag or something?” Liam asked obscenely. Her silence was al, the answer he needed. “Holy shit, so you did!?”

Emma felt her face flush, a wave of heat washing over her body. “Yeah, we did. But I told him I didn’t want to be with him until he was better… but then I got so busy, I didn’t have time to reach out, and you know the rest, I suppose.”

Liam laughed, which earned a confused look from her. Why is he laughing about this? “Was it good, at least? The sex, I mean.”

She nearly choked on her drink. “What the hell?” she cried. “Why would you ask me that?”

“Sorry, sorry— but, c’mon. Luke looks like he knows how to fuck.”

She groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose. God, he’s ridiculous. “I mean, yeah, it was great. But I just don’t understand how he could move on so fast. I know I said I wanted to be friends until he got better but…”

“Did you see him as a friend, or did you convince yourself you saw him as a friend because he wasn’t in the right headspace?” Liam asked her seriously. She paused to think for a moment, but she didn’t know the answer, so she just shook her head, at a loss for words.

“That’s okay,” Liam told her gently. “I didn’t expect to like Anna either, but she’s kind of hard not to like when she’s so nice. Luke seems kind of miserable though.”

“We got into an argument last night.”

Liam looked perplexed. “About what?”

“Us. He told me he’s with Anna because she reminds him of me.”

“I’m… not surprised. He has a problem with holding onto people that have left him.”

Emma just shook her head. She hates how everything’s turned out between them. They had it all after Download and she sort of ruined it, and she wishes more than anything she could go back in time and stop herself from fucking it all up. Her chest feels constricted with a multitude of emotions she can’t quite explain. She hates all of this.

ᯓ★

They have just five minutes before they’re supposed to go on, and he feels like he’s going to pass out. He’s so exhausted, between getting no sleep and trying to make sense of whatever the hell he’s gotten himself into, and it’s starting to get to him. He doesn’t even know if he’s going to make it through this show.

He’s sitting in the green room, a water bottle squeezed tight in his hand. Everyone else is here too, caught up in their own conversations, and he’s sitting off to the side silently freaking out. He has no idea how he’s managed to make it all day without falling asleep walking. He thought that the Red Bull he had earlier this morning would help but to no avail—it was useless, it seems.

And on top of it all, he can’t stop thinking about the encounter he had with Emma last night. He knows he should apologize to her for a lot of things but he doesn’t want to bother her again when she already wants nothing to do with him… especially after last night. Fuck, he can’t believe he admitted all those things to her—how he’s only with Anna because she reminds him of Emma.

Damnit, he’s a mess. Maybe he should take up Jude’s advice: to take a step back from relationships and to focus on himself for a while. The more this—everything between him and Emma—goes on, the more enticing that idea seems. But he can’t, not while he’s with Anna, not while Emma still wants him.

Jesus Christ, what has he gotten himself into?