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Chapter Text

Raph’s math grades had apparently been good enough that the teacher wanted him to stay after school to go over “advanced calculus material”. That was surprising to him because Raph didn't FEEL like he was any good at it, let alone good enough for advanced material. Despite guessing on half the test and homework questions, he seemed to have done a lot better than he thought he would. But hey, it made his dad proud and it gave him a sense of superiority over Leo. Anything that made him better than Leo was a bonus. Still, he wasn't quite sure why he had to come after school instead of just being in the advanced class, like Donnie. He definitely wasn't better at math than Donnie.

When he arrived back into his math classroom, something felt… off. Miss. Sarah felt a little too… excited to see him, and it left him uneasy. She was usually at least somewhat excited, after all he had to be one of her best students, but this felt different. Like she was anticipating something. As she quickly went through some material that left him staring into space instead of listening, it became more clear that she was definitely waiting for something. She was also a lot closer to him than she needed to be to teach math. She almost always had a hand on his shoulder, and she kept “accidentally” putting her hand on top of his own. He found himself leaning away from her a lot, but she didn't seem to get the message that she was being overly touchy.

“Do you understand?” she said after about 15 minutes of rambling which Raph honestly had not been listening to. He vaguely remembered being told to take notes on the material, but when he looked down all he saw was a blank paper. Great.

“Uhhh…” he scrambled for something to say, but she was way too close for comfort and it sure wasn't helping his desperate attempt to form a coherent sentence. He felt a vague buzzing in his ears, and his vision was going slightly pixelated.

“It's ok,” she responded in a calm tone, a smile stretching across her face. “This is new material. Let me help you”

And suddenly she was leaning over him, one hand on his shoulder, the other on his arm, guiding him through the problem again. Alarm bells were blaring in Raph's head. He didn't know why, but what she was doing, the way she was touching him, it felt wrong. He tried to do something to get her off, but he felt frozen.

She finally seemed to notice him tensing up, as she turned his chair to the side and walked in front of him. She didn't seem the least bit worried about the fact that he didn't seem able to talk or move. The buzzing was getting louder. She almost never stopped staring at him, but he didn’t feel like she could really see him. He felt like his mind wasn’t even really there, like his consciousness was floating around the classroom.

“Are you alright Raphael?” she said, leaning forward. She was too close too close TOO CLOSE TOO CLOSE TOO CLOSE.

Raph tried to speak, but he couldn't even tell if he had opened his mouth. His jaw felt like it was made of lead. Something was wrong, this was wrong. He had to leave.

“Raphael? Are you alright? Is it the material?”

He shook his head, barely. He definitely wasn't alright, and even though he didn’t know why,he knew it definitely wasn't the material. He had to get out of here, his heart was pounding.

“We should take a break. After all, we can’t have my favorite student feeling overwhelmed, can we?”

Her voice and movement suddenly got a lot smoother, it was almost comforting. He found himself zoning out to the sound of it. This felt nice. At least, a lot better than the uncomfortable feeling of the last half hour.

He suddenly snapped out of his own head when she realized she was reaching towards him. Was she going to put her hand on his shoulder again? No… she was reaching lower. A decent amount lower actually. Wait, was she… SHE WAS REACHING FOR HIS PANTS. He jerked backward, his carapace slamming into the back of the chair. The buzzing sound filled his brain, watching her face keep the same even expression. Raph was horrified. If he wasn’t frozen to the chair, he would have been sprinting away by now.

“What’s the matter Raphael?” she said, still in that silky smooth voice. SHE WAS TRYING TO FLIRT WITH HIM OH CRAP- he jolted backwards again, scrambling for anything to say that would get her to stop. He could barely hear what she was saying over the buzzing static that filled his brain. He felt like he was drowning. Was air always this hard to breathe?

“Raphael… it's ok, no one has to know” she said smiling, reaching out again. He tried to move, scream, run, but he felt frozen. His brain was going at about a million miles an hour, screaming at him to GET UP, MOVE, DO ANYTHING, yet he was stuck in place. She was reaching towards his pants again, but this time, he couldn't move. He was too frozen to run, his mind racing too fast for him to think of an escape. He pushed himself as far back in the chair as he could, but it didn’t make a difference.

Her hand seemed to be moving slowly, but nonetheless, it reached him eventually.

Why was she doing this?

(in time, he would realize why she had done this. The fake good grades, getting him alone after school, it was all a trap. He was never her favorite student.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Raph was scared, looking up at her EVIL smiling face. He had only now realized just how tall she was. She towered over him, and Raph was terrified. But no longer frozen. So he shoved her away from him and bolted before she could say anything, before she could do anything again. He ran into the hallway, Abandoning his backpack and jacket, slamming his shoulder on the doorframe as he left. He heard her yell something after him, but the buzzing in his ears drowned out her words. His mind was set only on increasing the distance between the 2 of them as fast as possible.

Chapter Text

Raph sped down the hall, looking for somewhere- ANYWHERE to hide from her. Would she follow him? He was too afraid of seeing her face again to look back and see if she was there. He quickly ran into the first open door he saw, which turned out to be a boys bathroom. Good thing it was, because the 1st thing he did was kneel in front of the toilet and throw up anything he’d eaten that day. It burned as it came up, but that was nowhere near his main concern.

As Raph quickly sat down, he realized that his breathing was about twice its normal speed and shallow, and his heart and head were pounding. Was he having a heart attack? He felt like he was dying. Wait… WAS HE DYING?!?!?! Should he call 911?? He should probably call 911. He opened his phone, but his hands were shaking too badly to dial it. Instead, speed dialed the 1st number in his contacts. He hoped that whoever it was would respond, because his phone was about to die and the buzzing was SO LOUD. he was going to die he was going to die hewasgoingtodiehewasgoingtodieHEWASGOINGTODIE-

After what felt like forever but was probably around 30 seconds, Someone picked up.

“Raph, this better be super important, the improv showcase starts in 10 minutes.”

It was Mikey, thank the lord. It was such a relief to hear the sound of his voice that Raph almost smiled. He tried to respond, but no sound came out of his mouth.

“Raph, Buddy? You ok? I can hear your breathing from here”

Leo was there too. Of course. Him and Donnie were waiting for Mikey's improv showcase to start. He tried again to speak, But all that came out was a choked whine. His lungs were burning from lack of oxygen.

“Guys I can see where he is on my phone” Donnie squeaked nervously. He could obviously tell how shaken up Raph was, even though he sounded far away from the phone.

“Ok Raph” Leo said, a little- ok a lot more nervous than usual. There was a rustling noise of Leo taking Mikey’s phone “Donnie can see your location on his phone, and Mikey's telling Mrs. Morton that he won’t be in the showcase. We’re gonna come find you, so stay put, ok?”

Not like Raph had much of a choice, he was frozen to the ground again. He had given up trying to talk, but Leo seemed to understand, and hung up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Raph waited in that dark bathroom for what felt like hours before the stall door swooshed open. He jolted backwards, smacking his shell into the toilet. He held his hands up reflexively, not knowing whether it was her or not. His vision was blurry, but even he could see the difference between her and the green and blue thing in front of him.

“Raph? It’s me” Leo quickly said. He seemed a lot more nervous than he had over the phone. “Donnie and Mikey are right behind me. Can you talk?” He quickly sat down in front of the stall, hiving Raph some space

Raph shook his head slightly, before quickly burying his head back into his hands. He was fidgeting a lot, and didn't seem able to inhale all the way. Leo reached out for Raph’s arm to comfort him, but he jolted backwards again the moment he made contact.

“What happened to him?? Is he hurt???” Donnie said, out of breath. His bag hit the floor with a loud thump, along with Mikey’s

“He can’t talk, and he won’t let me touch him, but I don’t see any blood or anything. Do either of you know what he was doing before he called us?” Leo explained, racking his brain to remember if Raph had told him.

“Wrestling is on thursdays… Is there anything else it could be?” Donnie responded, readjusting his glasses. “He said he would be late to the showcase because of something…”

“Ok guys how about we figure out what happened later and focus on getting him to calm down now?!” Mikey said quickly. Clearly seeing Raph like this had shaken him up, not that Leo could blame him. Raph was very visibly distressed, trembling in the corner of the stall.

“I’m calling dad.” Donnie said before whipping out his phone. Why had Leo not thought of that?? He was so stupid!

“Ok Raph” Leo said, refocusing himself. Now was not the time to be thinking about himself. “I'm not really sure what’s happening to you, but I'm gonna try to help you calm down, ok?”

A small nod from Raph.

“Can you look at me?”

Raph slowly, PAINFULLY slowly, lifted his head out of his hands. Leo had to try really hard to conceal the worry on his face. Tear tracks ran down Raph's face, more still falling. Leo could practically hear Mikey freaking out behind him, which made sense. They could all probably count the number of times they had seen him cry on one hand. Raph’s looked up at him with red, glassy eyes. His face shone with tears.

“Ok good job,” Leo said, letting out a breath he hadn't realized he’d been holding. Raph just sobbed in response, still breathing shallow and fast, still shaking.

“Dad says he’ll be here in 10!” Donnie said, running back over.

“Ok great,” Leo said offhandedly. “Raph, PLEASE try to take some deep breaths. I don't want you to pass out.”

Another small nod from Raph, who attempted to take a deep breath, but instead choked on his own saliva and coughed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By the time Raph had calmed down, Splinters had arrived. He was almost breathing at a normal pace, and had stopped crying. His dad reached out for him, But he just flinched backward and started hyperventilating again. It took almost half an hour to get him out of the stall, even with splinters there, and Leo went back and forth between calming down himself and helping with Raph.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The moment Raph stepped out into the parking lot, A wave of cold hit him. Oh right, it was January and he had left his coat in… that place. The mere reminder of it made him almost start hyperventilating again, but Mikey handed him a coat before he could spiral further. If he was more present, he probably would have realized that it was Mikeys and given it back, but for now he was just greatfull for the warmth. If he couldn’t handle human contact, he was happy to have the next best thing.

Usually, Raph and his brothers would argue over who got to sit in the front, but they all seemed too shaken up for that, instead settling for whatever seat was the closest. Raph slammed the car door shut, and looked out the window at the blurry buildings passing by. He felt numb, empty, like he had exhausted all his emotions. He assumed it was probably due to using them up earlier. His face felt sticky from the tears, but he was too empty to care.

Chapter Text

Splinter noticed that his sons were quiet, especially Raph, who seemed unable to speak. Splinters didn't understand. Raph had been doing his advanced work, and suddenly he was freaking out! Also, where were his backpack and jacket? Splinters had asked if he wanted to go back and get them, but Raph had shook his head so violently splinters was worried he would make himself dizzy. Whatever happened had really messed him up, because he seemed visibly shaken and still wouldn't let anyone get near him. He was so worried for his son, and even though Raph always insisted he was almost an adult, all he saw was a terrified child, small and scared.

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Raph was too tired to even change out of his sweat soaked clothing when he got home. Not that he wanted to take off his clothes ever again. He just plopped down on the couch and fell asleep, feeling mentally and physically exhausted. He fell asleep almost instantly, glad to be feeling anything that wasn’t fear. His sleep was deep and dreamless, and it was the calmest he’d felt since it happened

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Raph woke up, there was a blanket on top of him, and a pillow had been placed beneath his head. He sat up and found his brothers sitting on the floor playing mario kart. He was surprised that he hadn't been woken up by it, but was thankful that they had kept it down. He felt more rested than he’d been in ages. There was a pizza box sitting on the floor, and Raph was STARVING, when did he last eat?? He grabbed a slice, accidentally brushing Leo’s arm. The buzzing slowly made a second appearance, and he was praying that whatever was left in his stomach wouldn’t do the same.

“Oh hey Raph! You're finally up!” Leo said, feeling relieved. He was worried Raph would spiral again, but he instead seemed only confused.

“What do you mean finally? I only slept for a few hours!” The words felt strange in his mouth, like he had forgotten what his own voice sounded like.

“Oh good you can talk- wait what do you mean a few hours??”

“Well it's only dinner, isn't it?” Raph asked, taking a bite of the pizza. His stomach had callmed, and hunger was replacing the nausea.

“Raph its lunch.”

“Wait, so I slept for…”

“Almost 20 hours,” Donnie adds. There's that math brain. Ugh math. He never wants to think about that again. The buzzing gets a little louder.

“...oh”

“Dude, what happened?” Mikey said, concern lacing his voice. Mikey was the most empathetic out of all of them, so he was likely feeling the effects of yesterday as well.

“...” Raph’s legs subconsciously clench.

“ Dude?”

“Can we talk about it later?” Raph couldn’t seem to look Mikey in the eye, he felt like he wanted to shrink back into the couch.

“Dude.”

“I promise I will talk about it later, just not now.” Raph tried to keep his voice from trembling. The last thing he wanted to do was talk about any of that again.

“I'll hold you to that promise” Mikey says in a fake solemn voice, reaching out to put his hand on Raphs shoulder. Raph jolts backwards, his heart rate quickening again. The buzzing was getting louder, but he fought to keep it under control.

“Crap- I’m sorry-”

“It-Its fine”

“ Wanna join next round?”

“Sure”

Chapter Text

Raph went to bed right after dinner, but if we had known what awaited him, He likely wouldn't have slept. He had had nightmares before, especially after superfly, but nothing like this.

He was sinking in blackish red water. At first he panicked and struggled, but he realized he could breathe, so he just relaxed and continued sinking. It was almost calming, feeling weightless in the dark water that surrounded him.

He didn’t even feel like it was water, It felt like air on his skin. Suddenly, something brushed up against his arm. At first he thought it was just seaweed, so he went to pull his sleeves down. He didn't want anything interrupting his peaceful swim.

Wait… Where were his sleeves??? Where was his shirt??? WHERE WERE HIS CLOTHES????? Why was Raph in his ninja outfit? He never wore that anymore! Then, the seaweed brushed up against him again. The dark water made it hard to see, but it looked like another piece was coming towards his face.

He tried to push it out of the way, but froze when it slithered past him. He nearly screamed as he realized that the water was full of snakes, and that they were all swimming towards him. He tried to swim away, but he never seemed to move. The snakes were touching him- they were slithering all over him nononononoNONONONONO- He tried to yank them off, pulling off handfuls of snakes, but his arms were too heavy to get them off effectively. The snakes were tightening around him, squeezing him- he couldn’t breathe he was going to die-

“AH-”

“Raph???!?! Are you ok???”

Raph made no attempt to respond, hyperventilating with tears in his eyes. He looked up and saw Leo standing in front of his bed, his eyes wide with fear. Mikey and Donnie were both waking up on their own. Raph scrambled back as far into a corner of his bunk as he could, pulling up his blankets in a futile attempt to hide himself.

“Dude what-” Mikey said, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

“I think Raph had a nightmare-” Leo said quickly, waiting for the usual denial from Raph, but he just nodded in agreement. Holy crap this was bad. Raph wasn't even trying to pretend he was fine like usual.

“Ok- It’s gonna be ok. Just take some deep breaths, ok?” Leo asked.

Raph’s stomach felt like it was in knots. His pajama shirt was soaked in sweat, and his insides felt sludgy. His throat burned from lack of oxygen, his vision was tunneling-

He ran out of the bedroom, hand over his mouth. He ran into the bathroom, not even bothering to shut the door or turn the lights on. His mouth was bone dry, which made no sense because he kept choking on his own saliva. Come on Raph, keep breathing. In… Out… In… out…-

He heaved forward over the toilet, puking up the little he’d eaten. His throat burned, and his forehead pulsated painfully.

“Raph- are you ok?” Donnie squeaked, running into the bathroom.

Raph slumped down to the floor, too tired and panicky to respond. His vision was blurry from tears, but he felt too heavy to wipe them away. The cool tiles on the floor shocked his system, and it helped him return a bit more to the present moment. Deep breaths Raph.

“Did he pass out??” Leo asked, looking at Donnie.

“I don’t think so, he’s still hyperventilating. We need to calm him down and get him back to bed.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It took almost an hour to get Raph back to sleep. Whenever someone accidentally brushed him, he jolted backwards and they had to start from the beginning. They considered calling for dad multiple times, but decided against it. When he finally got to sleep, they all silently agreed that they would ask him about what happened tomorrow.

Chapter Text

Raph woke up at about 11 the next day. Leo had already told dad about last night, and he was equally worried. He also agreed that they needed to find up what had happened. How would they get him the help he clearly needed if they didn't know? They decided Splinters would confront him, but that they would stay out of the way unless they were needed. They didn’t want to crowd him.

“Raphael?” Raph cringed. Another thing that reminded him of her.

“What?”

“Come sit down on the couch. We need to talk”

Raph knew he wasn't getting out of this one. He walked over to the couch dragging his feet. His heart was pounding, is this what stage fright felt like? Man, he felt sorry for Mikey.

“You've stalled long enough. I need to know what happened to you at school the day before yesterday.”

“...”

“Raphael, I cannot help you if I do not know how”

“Fine.”

“Thank you”

“... Well I was in Miss. Sarah's classroom, doing the advanced work.” His breathing was becoming shallow again, the tears reappearing in the corners of his eyes- nononono he was supposed to be the strong one- he couldn't break down like this-

Splinters was breathing very loudly and slowly, Raph attempted to copy it the best he could. He had to tell his dad he wanted help.

“And she kept being super touchy- and- and then she went further an I couldn't stop her-”

Splinter seems to change at those words. He freezes up, staring but not really seeing.

“I tr-tried to stop her but she would-wouldn't listen- and I didn't know ho-how to make her stop and I sh-shoved her away and ran off...”

That’s as far as he makes it. Tears are flowing freely down his face, catching in his now-damp mask, and Raph couldn’t care less. He doesn’t even try to wipe them away. Splinters uses both of his hands to hold on to one of Raph’s, and surprisingly the touch doesn't make his skin crawl. He just lets it happen, lets the warmth flow through his hands.

“My son…” Splinters says, his voice wavering. He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. This wasn’t about him right now.

“Thank you so much for telling me. I know that was hard, and I promise that we will get you help and make sure we get that teacher in jail.”

Raph nodded in response. His breathing was a little fast, but his dad being there made it more manageable. One thing still plagued his mind though.

“I- I just fe-feel like- like it's my fault” He sobbed out, heaving forward a little. Splinter's grip on his hand tightened. How could Raph think that?

“Raphael-”

“Can-can you no-not call me that?”

“Sure. Raph, it is important that you understand that NONE OF THAT was your fault. You didn't want any of that to happen, and I don’t blame you for any of it”

A small nod from Raph, accompanied by a hiccup. His face, splinter realized, had been getting progressively closer to the color of his scarlet bandana over the course of the conversation.

“Can I tell your brothers this?”

Another nod. The sobbing had stopped, instead replaced by more small hiccups.

“Thank you.”

Raph got up and went back into his bed. He didn't want to have to relive that story ever again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His brothers entered the bedroom about half an hour later. Raph hummed a little in an attempt to say he was awake.

“I’m really sorry dude…” Leo said, sitting down on the floor in front of Raph’s bed.

Donnie stormed into his tent, muttering something about “ Sending Miss. Sarah to jail”

“It’s fine.” Raph said, turning over.

“No It’s not dude! It's really not.” Mikey said. His voice wavered just a bit, and Raph’s stomach dropped. He felt awful. He was supposed to be there for Mikey. And here he was making him feel bad. This was all his fault.

“What?????”

Crap did he say that part out loud?

“Ok dude that is the dumbest thing you’ve ever said and that's saying something.” Donnie said from his tent. “That stuff happened to you against your will, it’s not your fault for us being upset about it.”

“ I guess…”

Chapter Text

Splinters spent the next week trying to get Raph therapy. The wait list was a week and a half, which meant raph had to focus on getting better by himself. And that meant Raph had to go back to school. Awesome. The only thing they had changed was that they put him in a different math class, as Miss. Sarah had gotten fired and arrested. He’d seen a news clip on youtube of her trial, fake crying. Raph had nearly smashed his phone on the floor at the sight of her. Luckily, no one was sympathetic for her.

People avoided Raph at school. Pretty much everyone had seen what had happened, but nobody knew how to approach him. His friends from wrestling were distant, and pretty much nobody talked to him. They acted like he was fragile (He probably was, he had to go home early most days because of an attack), and man, did it suck.

Raph came home early from school with his dad. It had been almost two weeks since it happened. Why wasn’t he better yet? Why did he flinch whenever someone tried to hug him? Why did he jump back whenever his dad wanted to put a hand on his shoulder? Why couldn't he make it through a day without crying?

Why wasn't he better yet?

He went into his room, trying not to cry for what felt like the thousandth time that week. He was pulling on the sleeves of his flannel jacket, trying to think of something, ANYTHING to keep him from crying. The sliminess in his throat also was not helping. What had happened to him? He used to be strong, the one Mikey and Donnie looked up to. And then he had to go and screw it all up. Why couldn't he just be normal, like the way he used to be?

He didn't think he was ever going to get better

Chapter Text

Raph had finally gotten an appointment for therapy, and his 1st session was today. He felt like he should feel nervous, but he just felt sad and empty. He was pretty sure that whatever happened wouldn't help.

When he entered the building, a strong smell of tea leaves washed over him. It reminded him of the tea his dad made for him whenever he couldn't sleep, it was comforting. His dad went into another room, and he sat down on a beanbag chair in the corner of the room.

He checked his phone, no new messages obviously. The only people who had texted him in the last two weeks were his brothers.

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After about ten minutes, his dad came out of the room, and raph begrudgingly went inside.
As he sat down on a couch across from the therapist, he tried to relax himself. He was fine- He was fine - HE WAS FINE-

“What brings you in today, Raph?”

HE WAS FINE-

“Raph?”

His lungs were burning. His vision was getting pixelated. He was back in the classroom she was sittinginfrontofhimnononononNONONO-

“Raph? Can you open your eyes for me?”

He had shut his eyes? He opened them and saw that the lady was kneeling in front of him- too close TOO CLOSETOOCLOSE-

He jolted backwards.

“Ok- I’m not going to touch you. I just need you to calm down for me. Can you take some deep breaths?”

He nodded, trying to fill his lungs with air. He could feel the tears pooling up in his eyes. Not again…

“Raph? You’re going to be ok. You're having a panic attack”

A WHAT???? His eyes shot wide open as his head jerked up to look at her.

“Hey- It's ok. This just happens to people sometimes. Have you had one of these before?”

Raph nodded, still trying to breathe.

“Alright. You’re doing an amazing job.”

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It took about 15 minutes before Raph was able to fully breathe again. The therapist seemed to know what she was doing, and he didn't really have anyone else right now. She just kept speaking in that calm tone till he calmed down. It felt… nice. Not like the way Mrs. Sarah had spoken, but in a way that made him feel like she knew what she was doing and was there to help.

“Are you feeling a little better? Ready to start?”

“...Yeah”

“Alright.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the end of the appointment, Raph got up to leave.

“Raph? Wait a minute- there's something I want to give you before you leave.” She said, handing him a piece of paper. “I want you to fill this out before our next appointment, ok?”

He nodded before opening the door and leaving.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When he got home, he set the paper down on his desk. Might as well get this over with.

https://aminoapps.com/c/lgbt-1/page/blog/touch-chart/bNb5_wv0Fou0mPZa4047Vk64B8r5nB2MGeP

The heck was this? The top said he was supposed to fill out each one depending on how he felt. Why did she need to know this? Why did it matter to her? Whatever… He grabbed a few of Mikey’s markers and got ready to fill it out.

Why would a stranger need to touch him? He colored that one in all red.

His friends aren't really near him that often… the thought of them touching him still made him shiver a little. He colored that one in red as well.

Family… Honestly the only thing that didn't make him jolt backwards was his hands… he colored those in green, but left the rest red. He didn't have a partner, so he crossed that one out.

Well that was fast. He didn't know why but he felt… guilty. Why did he feel guilty whenever he looked at the chart? It's not like it was HIS fault the chart was almost entirely red. Right? He shoved the paper back in his backpack, he would worry about finding it later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next few weeks of therapy weren't great. He didn't feel like he was getting any better, and the only thing that changed in the chart is that now his hands were green for everyone except strangers. His shoulders and arms had also turned yellow for family. Everything else red. Great.

The therapist, who said he could call her Lana (Splinters called her Mrs. Calie), told him to “write down his experiences”, so he started keeping a journal. Lana had also made a suggestion he was trying to follow in their last visit.

“Seems like you’ve made a lot of progress Raph!” she said, looking at his touch chart.

“Not really…”

“Well from what I can tell you’ve made a ton!”

“There’s still a lot of red though, I dunno…”

“Well that’s completely normal. Here, let me put this another way. If I had asked you to fill this out right after she did that to you, what do you think it would look like?”

“Uh… it would probably be all red.”

“Ok. And how much of this chart is no longer red?”

“Uh… My hands are green for everyone except strangers, and my shoulders and arms are yellow for family.”

“Exactly. And that’s about the amount of progress that is expected for something like this.”

“Oh.”

“I would try to give yourself a bit more credit for all the progress you’ve made. Things like this aren’t easy for anyone to handle.”

Raph felt a little better about the chart after that.

Chapter Text

Raph had gone to bed early again after therapy. He had tossed the chart aside, and decided to fill it out later. He didn’t think he could handle feeling any worse than he already did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He woke up again from another nightmare. He was shaking and breathing quickly, chest heaving. He tried to call out for help, but he was breathing too quickly to talk well. He shoved his face into his pillow, trying to block out the image that was burned into the back of his eyeballs. He let out a choked sob into the pillow, his head pounding when he did. He was so sick of feeling like this.

“Raph?”

Raph rolled over and locked eyes with Leo. He shifted backwards a bit as Leo sat down on the bed next to him, curled up in a tight ball. He was gripping the corner of Leo’s blanket. Cmon Raph, ground yourself. Just like Lana said. In… Out… In… Out…

“Can you talk?”

Raph shook his head. He was trembling like a leaf, and Leo would never admit it, but Raph looked a lot like a child, scared of a storm. Leo didn’t blame him though.

“Alright. Nightmare?”

Raph hesitantly nodded as Leo set the blanket he was wearing on Raph’s shoulders.

“Cool. We’re gonna get through this together ok? Just like last time. It probably feels awful right now, but it’s going to be ok.”

Leo reached out a hand, which Raph gratefully took.

“I learned a little bit about how panic attacks work. Can you try to copy my breathing?”

Raph sat up so he could breathe more, but his vision tunneled from the lack of oxygen. He felt like he was going to pass out- nononono-

He fell forward into Leo, his head hitting Leo's shoulder.

“Woah- hey are you awake?”

Raph let out a quiet whimper, wrapping his arms lightly around Leo. He didn't feel like verbally responding anytime soon, feeling too limp and heavy because he was just so sick of feeling like this…

“Alright thanks for telling me. Are you ok with this or do you want me to back up?”

Raph thought about that for a moment. He was expecting the nails-on-a-chalkboard feeling on his skin, but all he felt was warmth. He had almost forgotten how good touch felt. He nuzzled a little bit further into Leo’s shoulder.

“Ok I’ll stay. Deep breaths, ok?”

No response from Raph. Leo hesitantly wrapped his arms around Raph’s shell. Breathing felt a lot easier now, close to Leo. For the first time since it happened, Raph felt safe. Protected. Loved.

“Great job. Keep doing that, I’m just gonna… rest my eyes for… a minute.”

They both ended up falling asleep, Raph leaning on top of Leo, his face buried in his chest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning, Raph went to fill out the chart.
https://aminoapps.com/c/lgbt-1/page/blog/touch-chart/bNb5_wv0Fou0mPZa4047Vk64B8r5nB2MGeP

It seemed a little less scary now than it had before. Strangers were still mostly red, but he didn't feel like he’d freak out if someone bumped into him. He colored his shoulders and arms yellow. Friends… well if his friends had to calm him down, he wouldn’t mind them touching his hands or arms. He made those green. Family… he colored his arms, hands and shoulders blue. Raph hadn’t realized how touch starved he’d been, and now that he could handle the contact, he wanted as much of it as possible. He didn’t mind hugs if he was the one who initiated them. He colored his chest light purple, he assumed that was pretty much the area of contact for hugs. He colored the rest red, but he didn't seem as upset about it this time. He saw more of the new rainbow that appeared, and all of the different colors. Sure there was still red.

But those scars would heal eventually.