Chapter Text
Kaveh has joined Boiled cardboard & deep-fried confetti
Kaveh has added Alhaitham, Tighnari and Cyno to Boiled cardboard and deep-fried confetti
Loverboy: Who?
Aether: WHAT HOW DID THIS HAPPEN
Kaveh: Hello, students. I am Professor Kaveh, and I have added the other three professors in charge of this university.
Beidou: I repeat
Beidou: hOw In TeVyAt
Tighnari: Did you forget that Kaveh is one of the brightest persons in Teyvat
Kaveh: Thank you
Kaveh: I simply tweaked with the Akasha system, like how I fix any malfunctions, after finding this group chat when cataloging all the current modified functions that are now operating.
Kaveh: Hacking my way into a pre-established chat group seemed more convenient than creating a new one
Ganyu: And you would hack it because…
Kaveh: Because I can…?
Cyno: Kaveh means no harm by saying that he’s just testing new things in his free time
Kaveh: IT’S BECAUSE OF ALHAITHAM
Kaveh: HE TAKES MY KEYS SO I HAVE TO GO TO THE LIBRARY INSTEAD AND THAT WAS THE ONLY THING I COULD DO
Kaveh: IT’S NOT EVEN THE ACTUAL HOUSE JUST THE TEACHERS’ DORMITORY AND HE STILL HAS THE NERVE TO TAKE MY KEYS
Cyno: I am key-sure he just missed you
Cyno: Ah, keys do not sound very similar to “quite”
Cyno: Allow me to try again.
Tighnari: Cyno.
Tighnari: No.
Cyno </3
Tighnari: One day, you will understand.
Kaveh: CAN WE GET BACK TO SOLVING MY PROBLEM
Cyno: No more Alhaitham-tangents, Kaveh.
Alhaitham: No, no, let him continue.
Alhaitham: I shall give him the biggest smackdown he’s ever experienced, the goof.
Tighnari: Hello, all students, please do not interfere in their unconventional mating rituals lest you be dragged in.
Hu Tao: Professors, just know that there are coffins that are prepared in case of any deaths!
Cyno: Yes, we know. We've seen your requests for permits to sell them, and for the last time, NO.
Barbara: Guys where’s the popcorn
Cyno: Do you want to read more vocab than you've seen in the last twenty years?
Venti: What is a vocab
Tighnari: I don't teach linguistics
Cyno: Shush it’s starting
Kaveh: AS IF I WOULD EVER CONSIDER SOMETHING ROMANTIC WITH YOU, YOU ARROGANT BASTARD
Tighnari: Alright, they will start entering the argument phase where they use their vocabulary in an expository essay.
Venti: iwnidiqhubue whattt
Alhaitham: If you had noticed the obscure detail, which your muddled brain clearly has not, you would have picked up on the nuance in Tighnari’s diction that suggests we already exhibit some form of romantic pursuit. Thus, it is pointless and unnecessary to deny it, much like your refurbishing of our living space.
Fischl: Ah, at last, kindred souls.
Cyno: Plsplsplspls do not interrupt I do not want to stay and accumulate more collateral damage
Kaveh: While I agree that it does suggest such an implication, we must also never overlook how Tighnari also makes tremendous mistakes, much like the time he assumed we were pining after each other but were in fact dating. Furthermore, I would not consider it a romantic pursuit as we have already gotten ahold of each other.
Alhaitham: So we both digress that the accusation of romance is not void?
Kaveh: Yes.
3 others are typing.
Tighnari has muted all non-admins.
Alhaitham: In that case, allow me to expound on your poor attempts at redecorating the house. Instead of adding meaningful pieces, you have accumulated much clutter, none of which seem to follow a pattern.
Kaveh: SCREW YOU THAT’S CAUSE YOU WON'T LET ME KNOW WHAT DESIGN YOU WANT
Alhaitham: I have said simplistic yet artistic
Kaveh: THAT COULD MEAN ALMOST ANYTHING YOU HARAVATAT SCHOLAR
Alhaitham: How about I go shopping with you during the weekend and we can settle this once and for all?
Kaveh: You better you arse
Alhaitham: I shall ask the Akademiya to clear my schedule.
Kaveh: Didn't you have that appointment with Lesser Lord Kusanali?
Kaveh: Nevermind she just texted and said she's coming along.
Alhaitham: …
Kaveh: Say yes.
Alhaitham: …fine.
Kaveh: <3
Kaveh: Also are you free now I cannot read this student’s handwriting for the life of me
Alhaitham: Which student?
Kaveh: In my engineering lecture
Kaveh: The name seems to be “Vanli” but I would think the l is a t as there is a horizontal line a centimeter away from the name
Tighnari has unmuted everyone.
Cyno: Oh it's that one Faruzan goes on about
Cyno: The braided twerp who's named after a coffee
Venti: DID SOMEONE CALL~~~
Alhaitham: I'm peering over Kaveh’s shoulder and your paper says that “wheels move vehicles because they have little feet on them that run fast”
Alhaitham: It's rubbish—
Kaveh: YAYAYAYYAYA THE THEATRE PERFORMANCE I WANTED TO SEE IS FINALLY RELEASING TICKETS
Alhaitham: Goodbye for now.
Ganyu: I lost so many braincells from that interaction what is the point of denying romantic pursuit if they are together
Childe: THEY ARE????
Fischl: Yes they simply denied that they were no longer seeking the other because they had found them already
Albedo: It's very heartwarming indeed
Childe: That entire thing was a pointless married couple bicker
Zhongli: I must agree that they appeared to be intellectuals but have stooped to this level of infantilism
Tighnari: Eh they outsmarted everyone in every way but romance
Aether: I think Venti needs tuition
Venti: Ha as if I'm getting 80 for my engineering tests
Ganyu: Is the paper upright?
Venti: Wait
Venti: WHAT NVM GUYS I GOT A 08% I SWEAR MY FUTURE WAS BRIGHT BUT IT HAS BEEN TAKEN AWAY
Albedo: Nonetheless the idea of feet on wheels is thought provoking
Cyno: I remember seeing plants with feet in the greenhouse
Tighnari: Yep it's a new breed we're experimenting with
Tighnari: Would you like to work with it, Albedo? Of course, under my supervision
Childe: I can feel him bubbling with rainbow vomit that's going to come spilling out of his brain soon
Albedo: Yes please :))))
Aether: My heart—
Albedo: —is mine, if you'll let me keep such a precious thing <3
Aether: Albedo…are you asking me out?
Albedo: Yes 🥰
Aether: JDBDKDHENEOJELELEODNSJDHDJEKDKBDBDKKDDJNEJE
Venti: That was the ugliest keysmash I've ever seen
Ganyu: Shut up let them have their moment
Aether: JDBDKEIENLWNDBDODNEOEIDBDKDJ
Albedo: Are you alright, Aether?
Barbara: I don't think the moment exists it's just Aether hitting his phone and Albedo wondering why the love of his life is talking in code
Albedo: He is not using Caesar cipher
Cyno: This is the weirdest shit I've ever seen and I've seen Alhaitham and Kaveh, the two bright minds reduced to petty idiots
Ganyu: Can you help with this
Cyno: @Tighnari is better at this I just stand at the side and watch them splutter and record material to show their students when I get bored
Tighnari: I can't fault you for that I've recorded Kaveh saying he'd rather be a worm than talk to Alhaitham and Alhaitham said he'd become a worm too to be with Kaveh for a short period of time
Aether: I didn't know my professors were so sweet
Tighnari: And then Alhaitham blacked out from the sheer amount of blushing he had going on
Ganyu: There's no hope for the students anymore
Ganyu: Wait Aether you're literate now?
Aether: Haha yes um so
Albedo: I came over to his dorm and sorted things out
Albedo: Now his head's in my lap
Albedo: [Aether<3.jpg]
Barbara: That is so cute
Venti: Scientist finally snagged the cute weather boy and they're living the romance story of the century
Loverboy: Why does that sound like an anime title
Loverboy: OH MY ARCHONS I SHOULD WRITE A FANFIC OF THEM
Aether: The profs are in this chat
Loverboy: I mean
Loverboy: They must be careful otherwise Ao3 will end up with an entire fandom of them
Loverboy: *giggles*
Cyno: …alright I've seen Faruzan read your works don't deny it
Tighnari: SHE SAID SPECIFICALLY NOT TO SAY THAT
Childe: It's safe to say that Prof Cyno is officially deceased
Cyno: I WILL BE UNLESS I ERASE THE EVIDENCE
Cyno: WHERE IS THE DELETE FUNCTION
Zhongli: There isn't one, unfortunately
Tighnari: You'll have to wait for Kaveh to hack the chat or Alhaitham to issue an order
Cyno: …if I don't make it, I want jokes to be told at my funeral
Venti: We'll talk about how Xingqiu reads romantasy books disguised as his textbooks during class
Loverboy: BACKSTABBED BY MY OWN CLASSMATE
Loverboy: YOU DRAW HORRIBLE PICTURES OF THE PROFS DURING CLASS THERE IS ONE OF CYNO AS A PINEAPPLE AND WITH A BOWL CUT
Cyno: Oh, so that's what you two do during my class? :)
Venti: No I do that in Faruzan’s class
Venti: She cheers me on and commissioned one of you as a dog
Cyno: I would love to avenge myself but I also want to live
Childe: Are we gonna ignore how the two profs said earlier on that KUSANALI IS GOING ON A HOME DECOR SHOPPING TRIP WITH THEM
Ganyu: Childe I think you need to get your brain checked
Ganyu: WAIT I JUST SAW NAHIDA WALK TO THE FRONT GATES AND THE PROFS APPEARED
Nahida is now online
Nahida: Good afternoon everyone
Beidou: I’m a pirate
Nahida: Pardon me I must ask Kaveh how to give an appropriate response to a self-proclaimed pirate
Barbara: “self-proclaimed”
Beidou: The Archon doesn’t believe me I am heartbroken
Loverboy: WHY IS THE ARCHON OF SUMERU IN HERE
Nahida: I got added to the chat by Kaveh
Nahida: Hello, uncle Tighnari and uncle Cyno
Tighnari: Hey how’s the trip going
Nahida: I almost got flung off Kaveh’s shoulders because Alhaitham wanted to buy a mustard yellow sofa
Tighnari: That sounds awful
Aether: Man I want to see that in their house
Childe: Those two are the polar extremes
Tighnari: HAHAHAH I WISH I ALSO WANT TO SEE THEIR HOUSE IN NEON PINK AND MUSTARD YELLOW
Kaveh: WHAT NEON PINK
Cyno: Did you not notice Alhaitham order a neon pink chair “because Kaveh likes colour”
Kaveh: CBEUWBFCNIEURTNMEXWUICJRU
Childe: I REPEAT
Childe: WHY IS AN ARCHON GOING WITH THEM ON A SHOPPING TRIP AND WHY IS PROF KAVEH CARRYING HER ON HIS SHOULDERS
Aether: Uhhh you of all people to say that?
Fischl: Mine educated guess hath—
Barbara: Use normal english
Fischl: Fine my guess is that Kaveh and the other 3 profs are parental figures to Nahida who was imprisoned
Cyno: Yeah we started out with just conversation but now we’re like honorary family
Nahida: I’m still figuring out how to refer to Kaveh and Alhaitham though they are like my parents
Nahida: Dadhaitham? Papaveh?
Nahida: Sunshine dad and emo dad?
Beidou: HAHAHHA PAPAVEH
Ganyu: NO BUT EMO AND SUNSHINE WORKS SO WELL
Loverboy: USE THEM ALL
Alhaitham: I object
Kaveh: No you don’t get to if Nahida wants to finally label your tsundere tendencies then by all means
Albedo: Pardon me but I heard that prof Kaveh spent “one day to fall in love, a few years to vehemently deny it and couldn’t even refrain from going into a crisis for yet another few years”
Childe: N-no! He’s jUsT a FrIeNd
Beidou: mY hOmiE rOoMaTe
Loverboy: Damn I heard that prof haitham thought that “you are not annoying” was a declaration of love and it took 3 highly capable professors to get thru his skull
Alhaitham: Do not call me Haitham.
Loverboy: wHy hMm?
Kaveh: Haitham PUT THAT COBALT BLUE TABLE DOWN WE ARE NOT PUTTING THAT NEXT TO THE DARK PURPLE FLOWERS
Alhaitham: Ok.
Aether: Ahhh that’s why it’s cause he’s a simp and he only lets prof Kaveh use it
Childe: It’s so sweet but buddy got no colour coordination going on
Loverboy: UGHHHH YOU’RE SO MEAN PROF ALHAITHAM I BET YOU'RE COLOUR BLIND TOO AND EAT AN APPLE JUST TO LOOK LIKE AN IGNORANT ARSE
Alhaitham: Shall I give 3 hours of detention?
Loverboy has changed Alhaitham’s username to Neon pink simp
Neon pink simp: Any last words?
Kaveh: Xingqiu.
Xingqiu: EHEHHEHE
Kaveh: Honestly it’s so funny I can’t keep a straight face
Zhongli: I sincerely apologise he’s a bit high
Zhongli: Help is on the way
Whereismyangel, Jean, Ningguang & Kazuha are now online.
Whereismyangel: WHO HAS SEEN XINGQIU
Ningguang: We need to deal with threats quickly and effectively
Childe: Chat holdddd up what’s going on
Neon pink simp: A disrespectful student.
Kazuha: Why are you neon pink buddy
Neon pink simp: My name was changed as an insult to my colour coordination and my apparent “simping”.
Kaveh: Uh guys that’s Alhaitham and now your profs are in this chat :)
Jean: Chongyun go work your magic
Whereismyangel: AIGHT WHO LET XINGQIU TOUCH THE HARRY POTTER FANDOM
Zhongli: I did, his phone was out of battery and he told me he had important business to do on this platform dubbed “Ao3”.
Kazuha: “important business”....
Loverboy: YUNYUNNNNN
Tighnari: Ah I see the help has arrived
Whereismyangel: Prof Alhaitham please forgive him he didn’t mean it very much
Neon pink simp: You better be grateful that Kaveh saved his sorry ass.
Whereismyangel: Yessir
Loverboy: YUNYUN WHERE ARE YOUUUU
Whereismyangel: qiu you will stay off this chat for an hour and I’m coming over with chess
Loverboy: OKIIIIIEEEEEEE
Beidou: Chongyun knows how to handle Xingqiu when he’s deranged very useful
Fischl: What is this aforementioned “Harry Potter fandom” that is shrouded in mystery?
Zhongli: I'm confused too
Cyno: Hold up I'll search it up
Barbara: NONONO PROF YOU DONT WANNA DO THAT
Barbara: EMERGENCY EMERGENCY WHERE’S JEAN
Jean: Hello how may I help
Kazuha: Prof Cyno is searching up the Harry Potter fandom SOMEONE SAVE US ALL
Jean: Oh. What's that?
Cyno: MY EYES
Cyno: WHERE’S THE BLEACH TIGHNARI WHERE’S THE BLEACH I'LL DRINK IT ALL AND POUR THEM INTO MY EYES AND SOMEHOW INTO MY BRAIN
Cyno: WHAT DID I JUST SEE
Loverboy: You have crossed to the dark side :))))
Whereismyangel: Qiuqiu open the door I'm here
Loverboy: Baibai chat
Ningguang: Professor Cyno I have one sentence for you about the cure
Cyno: WHAT
Ningguang: There is none.
Cyno: JDNDKDKKEIEIEHRBFLWEIDBDKSKDJDNKD
Childe: I think you should go join the wholesome family outing with the other profs
Xiao: Help
Venti: What’s up ;)
Beidou: SIMP
Venti: Take one look at Ningguang and then in the mirror
Xiao: Help
Kaveh: We need help I found Xiao is Ikea but now all four of us are lost
Ningguang: What happened?
Xiao: Where's the exit the map said to take the shortcut but all I see are rainbow panda and pencil lights in the children section and the tiny plastic cups GET ME OUT OF HERE
Xiao: A KID JUST SNEEZED AND WIPED THEIR NOSE WITH THEIR HANDS AND RUBBED IT ON THE TOWELS
Kazuha: EW WHAT
Jean: Surely there must be some staff around?
Kaveh: It's deserted. We're stranded. All alone. In the sea of children.
Kazuha: I think yall need to decide if you're going to use anemo or dendro energy to blast your way outta there
Kazuha: I tried doing it the normal way once but I was in there for 3 hours
Kazuha: I forgot what the outside world looked like…
Venti: Get some therapy my friend
Childe: How hard can it be
Nahida: We took the lift that supposedly leads outside but then it told us to walk another 500m to an escalator and then we took it and continued walking but turns out we needed to go two floors rather than one floor up the escalator
Xiao: I will take the metal spoon and dig my way out if I get trapped in here
Venti: Aight tsundere + Archon + sunshine + simping tsundere I'M HERE TO SAVE YOU
Neon pink simp: And how, exactly, would you do that if 4 people with working brains can't get out?
Venti: Prof I'm heartbroken~~~
Kaveh: He's just a bit salty that he missed his time to cuddle on the couch and read
Childe: of all the ice cream flavors you could be you choose to be salted caramel with 1kg of extra salt
Venti: Guys I'm in the children's section where'd you go
Xiao: How are you so stupid we said we took a lift and escalator
Zhongli: Ah, so this is what Childe meant by old married couple
Childe: Yes except Venti still has to woo Xiao
Xiao: How dare you ship me with that gremlin
Xiao: Die Fatui scum
Venti: DO YOU WANT TO LIVE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH DIY FURNITURE OR NOT
Neon pink simp: We are currently situated with the pillows
Venti: I SEE YOU LET'S GET OUT OF HERE
Nahida: I can smell the fresh air already…
Venti: HOLD UP
Venti: I don't think we were supposed to take that escalator…or was it the one further down…
Kazuha: ITS A NEVER ENDING MAZE
Jean: Calm down everyone
Jean: Venti can you send a picture of where you are?
Venti: [pillows.jpg]
Jean: …there's literally a sign that says “exit in 100m”
Kaveh: Oh my ARCHONS
Beidou: This is why pirates stick to the seas and not pieces of furniture
Xiao: I refuse to ever enter an Ikea again
Venti: Not even with me? :))))
Xiao: That's even worse
Venti: </3
Xiao: I mean—we'll just get lost
Venti: So long it's with you~
Venti: [tomatotsundere.jpg]
Childe: AWWW HE'S BLUSHING
Xiao: DIE.
Childe: I will only do so when you two get together
Venti: We already are…?
Zhongli: Since when.
Venti: Gee stop sounding like a protective dad
Xiao: He asked me out when we finally saw the exit because he thought we would never escape and live a life together
Venti: HOW COULD YOU RUIN MY BADASS REPUTATION
Beidou: You are literally a short bard with braids and gets so drunk they propose to the Anemo Archon statue
Jean: Congratulations!
Barbara: Hope you guys enjoy your life don't make me suffer anymore
Ningguang: We have acquired one more chaotic couple. Yay.
Kazuha: IDBFKDJNDJS IKEA
Fischl: Me hath seen five various peoples
Ningguang: I believe that there is no appropriate time to say this in this chat
Ningguang: It is time to announce the student council members and the special council members
Tighnari: Perfect. May I have everyone’s attention please?
Beidou: What is the special council
Ningguang: A team of students who are, at first sight, extremely stupid and incapable, but possess special skills to help deal with hands-on projects such as defense or conflicts where Visions are involved
Ningguang: Especially since some student council members are a bit…emotionally stilted
Venti: Xiao
Kazuha: Xiao
Beidou: Xiao
Ningguang: …Xiao
Tighnari: Our student council members are Jean, the president, Ningguang, the vice president, alongside Ganyu, Zhongli and Xiao
Barbara: Of course
Tighnari: and the special council members are Childe, Venti, Albedo, Xingqiu and Aether
Tighnari: On account of those who are more likely to be able to rein in this chaos, Childe is the president with Aether as vice president
Ganyu: I bet that in 2 months, the school will burn down because they decided to “help” with Albedo's experiments
Kazuha: Venti's going to attempt to fix the broken toilet ceiling and it's going to come crashing down on me when I walk in
Beidou: Childe's going to organise a tournament where everyone fights against him
Venti: AHAHAHAHA POWER AT LAST
Tighnari: Our moderator between these two councils is Lisa, who will also serve to help keep everyone in check
Lisa: Venti. One. More. Word. I dare you :)
Venti: Ehe
Venti: kdjrhfkdkrkrkjrkd
Barbara: What happened
Diluc: Lisa is chasing Venti in the cafeteria with a fork
Aether: Uhhhh should we stop her…?
Diluc: I'm joining someone get me a fire hydrant, a pack of tape and hydrochloric acid
Beidou: NO NOT MY FELLOW CHAOS BUDDY
Tighnari: Diluc, may I ask why your plan is so…detailed?
Diluc: Every time that idiot drinks my wine without paying I imagine his demise
Diluc: Goodbye
Ningguang had changed Diluc's username to Violence
Ningguang: What. It seemed like a fitting warning
Violence: Lisa where are you
Lisa: The court since the gremlin somehow climbed up onto the basketball hoop
Lisa: He got stuck
Violence: Do you think I can launch a fire hydrant at him from the ground
Lisa: Overhead not underarm throw, then yes
Violence: Ok.
Xiao: Diluc just ran past with a fire hydrant and a catapult
Ningguang: Where on Teyvat did he get a catapult
Childe: I kept it in the training room to practice for different scenarios
Kazuha: What the in Archons
Whereismyangel: A fork is going to be in Venti if no one saves him
Whereismyangel: He's stuck in the basketball hoop I see him from the balcony
Childe: AHAHAHAH WHAT
Jean: Xiao I think you need to go help Venti
Xiao: mmhmm
Xiao: Wait what why
Whereismyangel: He sat on the basketball hoop but now he's sunken in and Lisa and Diluc are taking aim with a catapult
Xiao: omw
Childe: I'll go too
Xiao: Stay away.
Childe: You think that you can manage a violent Diluc, Lisa and unstick Venti?
Xiao: ….ugh fine
Aether: Albedo just blew up the staff room when trying to fix the water cooler
Aether: He got the chemicals mixed up
Aether: SEND HELP
Tighnari: …I owe the students and teachers an explanation for why the special council cause more problems than they solve
Aether: HELP NOW PLEASE THERE IS PURPLE SMOKE
Tighnari: DID YOU BLOW UP THE PLANT ON MY TABLE
Aether: UH MAYBE WHY
Tighnari: WHEN THREATENED IT RELEASES A GAS THAT STAINS EVERYTHING NEON PINK DON'T ASK WHY
Aether: WHAT THAT'S A BIT TOO LATHDJRKRKRJRNMRRMKR
Albedo: I apologise for coloring our professors neon pink
Childe: Prof Alhaitham 2.0 😭