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Chapter Text

The first time Squirrelkit remembers entering the medicine den was when she was about two moons old.

She rests on a moss nest, her white paws fiddling with the leaves in the bedding.

“I’m worried, Cinderpelt. She’s not growing. I did what you said and weaned her later than Leafkit— but she’s still hardly bigger than a week old kit.” Her mother mews. Squirrelkit wasn’t sure what the fuss was about. Just because she is small didn’t mean anything is wrong with her, she isn’t weak. She beats Leafkit and Whitekit in play fights all the time, and she is always the leader in their games.

Cinderpelt steps forward and takes a look at her, sniffing Squirrelkit’s fur and gently pressing her paw against Squirrelkit’s tiny bones and muscles. She tests her reflexes and has Squirrelkit try to balance on just two paws, which Squirrelkit finds fun and continues to do even when she is told to stop.

“She’s strong and seems well fed. It could just be her kittypet genes causing her below average size, Firestar isn’t a big cat either after all.” Cinderpelt informs Sandstorm.

Squirrelkit stops eavesdropping and sniffs the air of the medicine den. The smell of flowers and plants lingers in the air. Squirrelkit follows the scent, trotting over to Cinderpelt’s herb store. She grabs a pretty blue flower and smells it. It smells earthy— and Squirrelkit wonders if this was what ThunderClan territory truly smells like beyond the barriers of the camp walls.

(She didn’t know it at the moment, but the flower was called borage. She will never taste it, but her sister will)

“Squirrelkit, don’t touch Cinderpelt’s belongings!” Her mother yells. Squirrelkit refuses to listen and continues smelling the flower, studying the beautiful blue colors on the petals with fascination.

(If she could go back in time, she would have listened to her mother)

“It’s okay, Sandstorm. Squirrelkit, that plant is called borage. It helps nursing queens produce more milk. I had your mother take some to help you get bigger, but I don’t think you not eating enough is the problem.”

Squirrelkit stops listening to Cinderpelt when she is done explaining what the borage did and moves on to the next herb she found interesting. “What’s this?” She asks, picking up a rough piece of reddish colored bark.

“Alder bark. It helps with toothaches.”

(She sees a small dark ginger kitten with white mittens just like her. But the kitten is not nursing from her, and the kitten will never call her mother. Yet the kit still bears her scent and appearance.)

“Cool.” That is all Squirrelkit says.

“Alright Squirrelkit, I need you to go now, but I like how you’re interested in herbs. If Sandstorm says you can, I’m sure you can come by again, when I’m not busy.”

“Yippee!” Squirrelkit dashes out of the medicine with her head held high, thinking of plants named borage and alder.

(She does go and visit Cinderpelt. In fact, she does a lot. But she will one day regret it)

* * * * *

Squirrelkit has Shrewpaw pinned on the dirt in front of the clearing. “Told you I could win! Don’t underestimate me just because my name still ends with -kit!”

“How’d you do that? I’m like— four times your size! You’re so small and I’m older than you!”

Squirrelkit doesn’t respond and just smirks. Suddenly, her ears prick up as she hears Graystripe mentioning her name in a conversation.

“…she’s a gifted fighter. She’ll be a great warrior someday, just like her father.” He mumbles to Sandstorm, and Squirrelkit’s mother nods in agreement and says something Squirrelkit can’t hear from so far away.

But Graystripe’s words stick with her, because who said she wanted to be a warrior?

* * * * *

Squirrelkit is in the leader’s den, speaking to her father. It is an odd feeling, being in Firestar’s den without her mother or sister, but Squirrelkit has noticed she has been getting more attention from her leader than Leafkit in the past few days, so maybe she was about to learn the reason why that was.

“Are you sure you want to be a medicine cat, Squirrelkit?” Her father asks her.

“Of course!” Squirrelkit exclaims, and she feels she had never been more certain in anything in her entire like.

(If she could go back in time to this very moment, she would have given her father a different answer)

“It’s a big responsibility, and many cats have said you demonstrate a great talent in battle. I just wanted to confirm this is really what you want.” Firestar’s voice echoes through the den, as if he was asking her if this was what she wanted a million times over and over again.

(Out of those millions of times, the younger her would answer yes every single time. The older her would do the opposite)

“Yes.” Squirrelkit says. “I heard Cinderpelt speaking of a dream she had where a squirrel ran across the stars. She mentioned it was a sign saying I was to be her apprentice. This is what I want, dad.”

Firestar licks her ear and nuzzles his kit’s fur. “You need to stop eavesdropping. But I am very proud of you.”

(Oh, but would he still be proud after what she would do in the future?)

* * * * *

Squirrelpaw gets her name and is announced as Cinderpelt’s apprentice.

(At the time, she considered this the best day of her life. Later she would consider it the worst)

Leafpaw is given to Dustpelt, which Squirrelpaw thinks is an interesting pairing. Leafpaw was soft, Dustpelt was strict.

(Dustpelt was strict, but not strict enough to keep Leafpaw in line)

* * * * *

“Squirrelpaw, this is juniper. Its berries soothes coughs and helps with trouble breathing. Sometimes it is used to calm distressed cats down. It’s a travel herb, cats bring it on long journeys. Give it a good sniff and take in its smell.”

(She sees a brown tabby kitten with white markings just like hers. The kit does not move)

The berries smell of pine and wood.

* * * * *

Squirrelpaw follows ThunderClan’s youngest warrior one night.

“You cannot come on a journey, you are a medicine cat. You were not chosen.”

“But I was chosen by StarClan to heal the entire clan, so what does it matter if I was chosen to go on a single journey or not? Besides, who is going to heal you when you are being a mouse-brain and twist your paw? Or run into an encounter with some not so friendly dogs?”

So Squirrelpaw goes on the journey.

* * * * *

She doesn’t know why she followed Brambleclaw that night, it just happened.

She doesn’t know why she jumped into the ocean to save Brambleclaw, it just happened.

She doesn’t know why she started looking at Brambleclaw while thinking I love you, it just happened.

* * * * *

Medicine cats can’t take a mate, so why did she sleep in Brambleclaw’s bedding every night in the mountains and dream of a future where they were forever together?

It’s just a crush, I’ll get over it.

(Medicine cats can’t have kits, so why were there going to be four of them pressed against her fur?)

* * * * *

She watches Feathertail fall and get crushed by a boulder on her way down. Squirrelpaw screams because she knows that she cannot heal Feathertail, that she cannot save her. That she is gone.

That night, she has a nightmare of a black she-cat with bright green eyes being crushed by dirt and rock.

(She didn’t realize those were her father’s eyes. Kittypet genes were always strong, weren’t they?)

She wakes up screaming and Tawnypelt comes to her side to calm her down.

(She will forget of this nightmare, but one day she will remember it)

* * * * *

She returns from her journey with no home.

So she brings the clans to a new one.

* * * * *

She leads them to their new home. But something is missing.

Squirrelpaw, with the help of her warrior trainee sister, finds a pool of stars.

She names it the moonpool because she had never been creative. Creativity was more of Leafpaw’s thing.

Cats still think it’s odd that Squirrelpaw is the medicine cat and Leafpaw is the warrior, they think Squirrelpaw’s sharp tongue and confidence would make her destined to be a leader and that Leafpaw’s elegance and thoughtfulness would make her the perfect medicine cat.

(Maybe it should have been that way. Maybe her sister wouldn’t mess up as badly as she had)

* * * * *

Leafpaw gets named Leafpool for helping her sister discover the moonpool.

Around a moon later Squirrelpaw gets named Squirreldawn, because Cinderpelt says she dawned a new time for the clans.

(Her father would have named her something better)

* * * * *

Squirreldawn starts to smell like Brambleclaw more.

She wonders if Cinderpelt was noticing.

* * * * *

“Before there is peace, blood will spill blood, and the lake will run red.”

She sees the lake stained with blood.

For a moment, her mind flashes, and it is not a lake, but instead a river. The black she-cat with green eyes stands above the river, and a gray cat floats down the stream, motionless. Then the vision goes back to the lake.

She wakes up screaming again, and there is no Tawnypelt to comfort her this time.

* * * * *

“I don’t like Hawkfrost.”

“But he’s my kin, isn’t he?”

“He gives me a bad feeling. He’s up to no good.”

* * * * *

Squirreldawn becomes more distant with Brambleclaw. She misses him, but she can’t shake her feeling about Hawkfrost.

She hangs out with Ashfur a lot more now, just for some company.

One day, Squirreldawn picks Ashfur to help her gather herbs from the new territory. He then says he has to tell her something important.

“I love you, Squirreldawn. I don’t care you are a medicine cat. We can run away, leave this place. You will be mine.”

There is something so cold about his words. No. Not cold. The opposite. His words felt like flames.

(Fire. Fire. Fire. Fire. Fire)

“I— Ashfur, I can’t— I would never break the code—“

She was lying to Ashfur’s face. She would break the code for Brambleclaw any day, even when they were in the middle of an argument.

“Please! I love you, Squirreldawn!”

(Five trembling cats, they are scared. Squirreldawn must protect them)

“I don’t like you like that, Ashfur. I’m sorry.”

She wasn’t sorry. Why would he ask her that? They were barely even close.

(Fire. Fire. Fire. Fire. Fire)

“Fine, Squirreldawn! Leave me and my poor heart!”

* * * * *

That night she sorts some of the herbs she collected as well as old ones in the den.

She is pretty shaken by Ashfur and doesn’t talk to many cats for the rest of the day.

The herbs that stick to her the most are holly, alder, juniper, and dandelion.

* * * * *

“I’m sorry I was mad at you.”

“Me too.”

“I love you.”

It was against the code, wasn’t it? But Squirreldawn never cared for rules, did she?

(She should have cared)

“I love you too.”

* * * * *

She notices her sister leaving camp for longer periods of time. Squirreldawn isn’t dumb. She knows Leafpool loves Crowfeather.

One day Leafpool doesn’t come back to camp.

It’s funny, Squirreldawn thinks, how a noble leader is the father of two rule breakers.

(It’s funny, Squirreldawn thinks, how wrong everything went from here)

* * * * *

There were so many badgers.

And there was Cinderpelt. And there was Sorreltail, Leafpool’s best friend, giving birth at the worst possible time.

And there was so much blood.

Squirreldawn couldn’t save Cinderpelt. She couldn’t save her own mentor.

(Why did she bother being a medicine cat in the first place if she couldn’t even save lives?)

That night, after Cinderpelt and Sootfur’s vigils, she sleeps in the leader’s den next to both of her parents and cries and cries until she has no tears left. Sandstorm grooms Squirreldawn like she is a small kit again and Squirreldawn doesn’t resist.

She just wants to feel safe again with her mother in the nursery, and nothing to worry about but what the next game she would play with Leafkit would be.

* * * * *

Squirreldawn’s grief is not easy, but life does get better.

Her father appoints Brambleclaw as deputy and she grows warm with pride. After the ceremony, Brambleclaw brushes against her with affection.

However her pelt rises with anxiety when she sees Ashfur glaring at them.

(Fire)

* * * * *

Squirreldawn doesn’t see Cinderpelt in StarClan.

She wonders if Cinderpelt is mad at her because she couldn’t save her.

* * * * *

Berrykit looses his tail in a fox trap. It is the first non badger attack related wound that Squirreldawn heals knowing that Cinderpelt is dead.

(She never thought Firestar would be the next one captured)

* * * * *

She follows Ashfur’s fear scent and sees the lake run red.

Hawkfrost’s blood spills into the water. Her father is bleeding as well, but it is partially healed. She knows he has already lost a life based on his appearance. Brambleclaw stands over the two, trying to stand tall over his dead half-brother who he killed, but Squirreldawn can see him shaking.

* * * * *

“Thank you. You saved my father.”

“Thank you. You warned me of my brother’s true intentions. I should have listened sooner.”

* * * * *

For just a little while, Squirreldawn is at peace.

Then she starts feeling sick.

She is a medicine cat. She knows what’s wrong with her.

Oh, she messed up. She messed up terribly.

Leafpool comes to her will a similar sickness. She knows what’s wrong with herself too.

“Squirreldawn, I’m pregnant with kits against the code.” Her sister tells her, and her voice is trembling with fear.

(Three cats. The fire burns)

Squirreldawn swallows back the heavy lump in her throat. “I am too, Leafpool, I am too.”

(Four cats. Then three. Then two…)

Oh, how funny it was, really. A noble leader being the father to two pathetic code breakers.

(Two cats. The fire burns)

She hugs Leafpool and they both sob.

(Five cats. The fire burns)

(She has to save them)

Chapter Text

Squirreldawn sobs with her sister for a long time.

“What do we do, Squirreldawn?” Leafpool cries, asking the same question over and over again.

(She sees six kittens. But— why does she feel something— or someone— is missing?)

Squirreldawn never says her answer because she doesn’t have one.

* * * * *

That night, Squirreldawn gets an unexpected visit from Yellowfang.

“I was hoping to see Cinderpelt at a time like this.”

For a quick second Squirreldawn’s eyes flash to an image of the black she-cat with green eyes. This time she is much younger, standing next to an orange she-cat her age, with the same striking green eyes.

(Wait, doesn’t Squirreldawn have those green eyes?)

On her other side is a dark gray furred she-cat, maybe a bit older. She seems eerily familiar…

(Wait, was that Cinderpelt—)

The vision disappears before Squirreldawn can put the thought together.

“Cinderpelt isn’t exactly available right now.”

“Then what do you want? Are you here to punish me? To tell me how I am a terrible medicine cat, a disgrace to the clan? I know those things, I already told myself them. I don’t need to hear them again.”

But Yellowfang doesn’t seem upset, and Squirreldawn sees a glitter of sympathy in the spirit healer’s eyes.

“Oh, Squirreldawn. I’m not mad. I knew you were always too much like me.”

Yellowfang gestures Squirreldawn to sit with her in StarClan’s territory, and she hears the parts of the story of Brokentail her father had never mentioned when telling the tale to her and Leafkit in the nursery.

* * * * *

That morning, Squirreldawn tells Brambleclaw.

Her voice is shaky as she tells him she needs to talk to him privately, and Squirreldawn’s eyes already start to water.

“I’m pregnant.”

She immediately starts to tear up, and Brambleclaw comes to her side, nuzzling her comfortingly.

“It’s okay…everything will be fine, we will figure something out.”

Squirreldawn cries again and again, just like she had with Leafpool. For a moment a bit of the weight is lifted off her pelt.

* * * * *

Squirreldawn has her day of sadness and despair. Then she realizes she can’t just sit around moping, she has to solve her and her sister’s problems.

After lots of thinking, she has an idea.

She pulls Brambleclaw and Leafpool outside to help her “look for herbs”. It reminds her of Ashfur.

(At the thought of him, her body feels a rush of uncomfortable warmth)

He would be furious if he found out I was pregnant right now. That I broke the code for Brambleclaw and not him.

She sighs and stops walking once they get far enough from camp, away from patrols and other cats.

“I have a plan. To help both me and Leafpool.”

Leafpool is still a mess, and Squirreldawn is aware of that. “What could ever solve this, Squirreldawn? Nothing! The clan already knows I ran off with Crowfeather, they will know if I’m pregnant who’s the father!”

Brambleclaw shifts uncomfortably, then chimes in. “Yeah…and Squirrel, if they find out you’re pregnant that’s even worse. I’m the clans deputy, you’re the medicine cat. We won’t be easily forgiven for betraying our clans with our ranks.”

He wraps his tail behind Squirreldawn affectionately as he speaks. Squirreldawn knows she should swat him away— that their relationship needs to end before they cause even more accidents. But she can’t bring herself to break contact with Brambleclaw, and she knows he couldn’t leave her either.

“Listen, Brambleclaw, you can still be the father. And Leafpool, you can still be the mother.”

Her sister and mate both look at her like she just said hedgehogs could fly.

“Leafpool and I are due to kit around the same time— I know, I’m a medicine cat.” She begins, “Leafpool will take my kits and say they are part of her litter. She’ll announce she’s pregnant to the clan beforehand, and she’ll say she wants to be a mother but doesn’t love anyone in the clan enough to have them be a father to the kits, so she’ll tell everyone she had Brambleclaw be her sire. The clan will believe it because at least some of her “children”— my real kits— will look like Brambleclaw. Then Leafpool can raise the kits on her own, and they can all stay in ThunderClan.”

Squirreldawn has a hard time getting the words out of her mouth to explain the plan. The idea of her giving up her kits hurts her heart, but she knows it’s her only option. The only way to keep them safe.

(But they wouldn’t be safe. The fire still burns)

Neither Leafpool or Brambleclaw answer, and Squirreldawn worries they don’t like the idea. “We don’t have to do it if you don’t want to,” she adds on, “I just thought…”

“No, I— I would be okay with that. I would treat your children as my own.” Leafpool mumbles.

Brambleclaw’s tail’s grip tightens around Squirreldawn. “Whatever it takes for the kits to be okay and live a normal life.”

(Fire)

“I just— It’s going to be hard for me— I won’t ever get to hear them call me mother and I can’t ever call them mine—“ Squirreldawn’s voice suddenly cracks, and she finds herself crying again.

Before this, Squirreldawn had never been much of a crier. She was the “tough” sister. The only cats who ever saw her shed tears were Firestar and Sandstorm at very difficult times.

But in the past few days Squirreldawn felt she had cried more than she had in her entire kithood combined.

“Hey, hey…it’ll be alright. You’ll still get to be their aunt, and heal them, and care for them.” Brambleclaw says. “I won’t get to raise them either, Squirrel, but we can make the best of it.”

Squirreldawn loves it when he calls her Squirrel. Hearing it again cheers her up a little, but she doesn’t forget her sadness.

(She never noticed how often Ashfur had been bringing back squirrels for the clan to eat recently)

It is a wound that will never heal, the fact she cannot raise her own children. A hole in her heart that will never be patched.

* * * * *

“ThunderClan, I am proud to announce Leafpool will be bringing the clan new kits, and I will be a grandfather!”

Firestar announces Leafpool’s pregnancy loud and proud to the clan, and immediately cats starts throwing out allegations.

“The father must be Crowfeather!”

(Squirreldawn sees three kits. One is the black she-cat with green eyes. There are two toms, one is a silver tabby with familiar tabby stripes and familiar long legs. The other is a fluffy kit with a golden, pale ginger pelt she knows she has seen before)

“No, no— I’m over that tom. I want to have kits by myself. Brambleclaw sired them for me, I’ll be raising them myself.”

“My mother raised me and Ashfur by herself, she had Whitestorm sire us for her. It’s completely normal to want to be a mother by yourself, I’m happy for you.” Ferncloud says.

Squirreldawn watches from a distance, how the clan fusses over Leafpool, how everyone is excited to have more of Firestar’s kin in the clan.

She would be lying if she said it isn’t killing her on the inside to watch.

* * * * *

The issue with Squirreldawn being pregnant was that she really did never grow out of her shortness. She was small, the smallest full grown cat in the clan. When her belly swelled up it was noticeable.

Fortunately, she was a fluffy cat, so she puffed out her fur to try and disguise the weight she was gaining. She knew from early on her litter was going to be large— there was definetly a good amount of kits in her belly.

She felt horribly sick. Her pregnancy seemed to be going a lot more rough than Leafpool’s. Morning sickness was getting harder to hide, and Squirreldawn wondered if the clan was starting to smell the vomit lingering on her fur.

“You seem tired recently, you alright?” Sandstorm asks her.

I feel like I’m dying, both mentally and physically.

(She sees Sandstorm at a gathering, her eyes wide in awe as if she had just discovered a secret)

“I’m fine. It’s just been a busy time to be a medicine cat.”

She was not fine.

(Yet she wasn’t even close to what would be her worst)

* * * * *

Brambleclaw comes to her one day with a “sprained paw”.

“I’m not stupid, Brambleclaw, your paw is fine. What do you need me for?”

He glances at her sympathetically and Squirreldawn already knows what he is going to say.

“Are you okay, Squirrel?”

Her heart still flutters when he calls her that. But she knows better. She knows to follow the rules.

Why hadn’t she followed the rules before?

“Stop calling me that. Don’t take up my time if you don’t have a real injury. I’m busy.”

Squirreldawn feels guilty after snapping at her mate. Could she even call him her mate anymore? They couldn’t pursue their relationship, it was done. Abandoned. Broken.

In a mix of emotions, she cries once he leaves the den.

* * * * *

Leafpool is in the medicine den for her pregnancy check up.

“You are due soon. Probably either two or three kits. But— you can tell everyone the litter is going to be large. Seven or six.”

“Seven!?”

(It was supposed to be seven. That didn’t mean it was forever seven)

“I think I’m going to have four.” Squirreldawn says in hushed tone.

“It’s rare for wild cats to have large litters…” Leafpool mutters.

“Blame it on the kittypet genes, I guess.”

“Are you okay?”

Squirreldawn unsheathes her claws and digs them into the dirt as she hears the question. Why did everyone keep asking her that?

“I’m fine! Stop asking!”

* * * * *

In the end, Leafpool does go into labour before Squirreldawn.

Squirreldawn rushes her out of camp when Leafpool has her first contraction without the clan being aware of what is happening. She tells the clan the two sisters are going on a walk. She claims Leafpool will be fine walking through territory pregnant since Squirreldawn is a medicine cat.

“Ow—“

“Hold on, we need to get far enough from camp!”

Squirreldawn brings Leafpool to a hollow tree, right outside of ThunderClan territory. Her sister starts to give birth there just as it starts to snow. Squirreldawn is the one who helps Leafpool deliver the kits, using every method Cinderpelt taught her. The birth goes smoothly.

Of course, the first kit to come out is the black she-cat, and Squirreldawn remembers all her visions and dreams.

She knows that once Leafpool’s daughter opens her eyes they will be green.

* * * * *

“They are beautiful, Leafpool.” Squirreldawn says. She knows the entire clan will be saying that to her sister when she returns with seven kits.

(Leafpool will not return with seven kits)

Squirreldawn was angry herself. Angry that she was jealous of Leafpool. This was her plan after all, her plan to give Leafpool her kits to raise. Her plan to give up being a mother entirely.

“What are you going to name them?”

Squirreldawn already knows what she is going to name her kits— she’s thought long and hard. She loves the names Alderkit and Juniperkit. Dandelion was pretty too. But she always wanted Brambleclaw to pick out a name as well.

I hope he finds us before I give birth.

“I like Jaykit. I think I’ll give that name to the youngest one. The gray tabby tom. Lionkit, for my other son. He will be strong and fierce.”

“What about your daughter?” After all, that was who Squirreldawn was most curious about.

“I was thinking Crowkit—“

“Leafpool! Absolutely not. The clan will know!”

“I know- I know-“

“How about a herb? I love herbs in names. Holly would be pretty for her. For a kitten born in the snow.”

“Hollykit it is, then.”

(Tawnypelt won’t be there with her when she screams when the nightmares about the black she-cat become true)

* * * * *

Time passes, and the sun is fully set. Squirreldawn knows she is going to kit soon, then they won’t have to hide any longer. Fortunately, no one discovered them so far.

Squirreldawn is giving her sister borage from the stash of herbs she smuggled out of camp with them when she feels her first contraction.

It is so powerful she nearly falls over.

“Squirreldawn!”

Immediately, Squirreldawn is breathing rapidly and sharp pains attack her body.

“Kits— coming—“ she manages to choke out. She cries out loud, the pain overtaking her.

Blood spills out of her almost immediately. Leafpool gets up in a panic, and Squirreldawn wants to scream at her sister to stay down and nurse her kits. Jaykit, Lionkit, and Hollykit squeal.

Squirreldawn feels a kit shift inside of her— but the pain does not settle. That is when she panics.

Something is wrong something is wrong something is wrong—

Squirreldawn was trained to know that when when a kit shifts inside a kitting queen’s belly the pain should briefly fade.

Her kit is stuck.

“Squirreldawn! What do I do! Tell me, quick!”

She needs to move the kit along by using her paws to maneuver the kit through me.

Squirreldawn can only think, she is in so much pain she cannot bear to speak. Her whole body shakes violently.

Leafpool knows to bite of the membrane and groom the kits once they are born, but she doesn’t know what to do when a kit gets stuck.

Leafpool hands her a stick, and she bites down aggressively.

Suddenly, she catches a whiff of Brambleclaw’s scent approaching. Squirreldawn takes a moment to wonder how he ever snuck out of camp and found them this late before she squeals in pain. It hurts her to breathe— hurts her to push.

“Brambleclaw! Something is wrong!” Leafpool cries.

Brambleclaw rushes over to Squirreldawn, and her eyes flutter shut. “Squirreldawn, hey, hey! You are okay— breathe!”

Squirreldawn can’t breathe. She feels like she is choking.

She pushes— hard— and fortunately the kit wasn’t too badly stuck, and Squirreldawn feels her kit slide out.

Brambleclaw helps remove a brown tabby tom, looking strikingly like his father, and even in Squirreldawn’s dizziness she can recognize her son from a vision she had.

Juniperkit.

He has her white markings, his chest is white. But his chest is not rising or falling—

No no no no—

(Six. Leafpool would go back to camp with six kits)

Juniperkit is dead before Squirreldawn can even tell everyone his name.

She remembers the visions— the visions of him not moving. Of him being limp.

Squirreldawn hates her visions.

Oh, she hates being a medicine cat.

(Why had she ever ignored her talent in battle?)

(Why had she ever touched Cinderpelt’s belongings?)

(Why had she ever told her father this was what she wanted?)

She can’t breathe. She feels pain everywhere. She can barely see— and all she can hear was ringing in her ears. She can’t even make out Leafpool and Brambleclaw’s faces, but she knows Leafpool is doing what Squirreldawn told her too. It’s just it can’t help. Juniperkit is already dead.

Her son is dead. Dead.

For a moment, she thinks she is dead too. She sees a starry cat and is sure she is leaving for StarClan with Juniperkit, that her life is over.

She makes out the face of Yellowfang approaching her. Her eyes flutter shut.

“You aren’t meant to die today. I promised I would protect Firestar’s children. You will not suffer like I did.”

Squirreldawn can’t tell what Yellowfang is  doing in her dizziness and pain— but she is saving her. The ringing quiets down. The pressure eases. She can feel her other kits coming into the world, one by one, and she can see their faces.

She sees them slowly be delivered as she silently prays to StarClan for each of them to be alive and breathing. That she won’t have to grieve for multiple of her children in secrecy.

Her second born is a she-cat, bright orange like Firestar. She seems familiar.

(Her eyes will be green too)

Squirreldawn doesn’t immediately think of a name for her. She wonders if Brambleclaw has an idea.

(She sees her eldest daughter— older, yelling and screaming in her face, claws unsheathed and fur spiked up)

Her third born is another she-cat. She is pale ginger, similar to Sandstorm and Lionkit. Her coloring reminds Squirreldawn of a dandelion.

(She sees her youngest daughter— still young, coughing and wheezing. Her breaths come uneasy and harsh)

Her youngest is a tom. He is a spitting image of Squirreldawn, his pelt a ginger color with a white tail tip. Alderkit, Squirreldawn immediately thinks.

(She sees her youngest son— older. He is crying in his bed, whimpering, saying something about trust)

Squirreldawn’s mind spins. She can’t stop seeing things— can’t control her mind. But suddenly she feels relieved of her pain.

Yellowfang went away as soon as Squirreldawn’s pain did.

Brambleclaw ran up to her, wrapping himself around her. “I thought I was going to loose you, Squirrel,” he cried softly.

Squirreldawn took a last look at her kits and let out a shaky breath.

Oh, Juniperkit, I am so sorry.

(She should have apologized to all the kits)

* * * * *

Squirreldawn sleeps and cries all night while her kits nurse. Eventually, dawn strikes.

“I am so sorry, Squirreldawn.” Leafpool says over and over again.

But Squirreldawn knows no matter how hard Leafpool tries, she will never truly feel her sister’s pain. She will never know how much it hurts to loose someone before you could even truly meet them.

Brambleclaw is the first one to ask. “Do you have any names in mind?”

“The eldest was going to be Juniperkit.”

Just then, Squirrelflight remembers the berries, when Cinderpelt told her what juniper did for the first time. Remembers the vision of the limp and lifeless kit.

Suddenly, she realizes one thing.

She hates her visions. She hates the code.

She hates being a medicine cat.

She once loved it.

(She would eventually hate it even more)

“He can still be Juniperkit, if you want.”

Squirrelflight just nods and sniffles. There was no way for it to explain how she was feeling, no way at all.

“The youngest is Alderkit.” As she says it memories flood back to her entering Cinderpelt’s den for the first time and being educated on alder bark.

She misses Cinderpelt.

“I love that name for our son.”

“I— I was also thinking Dandelionkit for the pale ginger she-kit, but I want you to help pick out the names too.”

“I like Dandelionkit. We can keep that.”

“I have no idea what to name the last one.”

Squirreldawn scans her head, thinking of herbs and pretty flowers and beautiful things to name her daughter. But still nothing sticks.

“How about…Sparkkit?” Brambleclaw says, “She’s loud, crying out all the time. That shows her spark. She looks like your father. Maybe she’ll be the next leader.”

Squirreldawn nods again. Sparkkit felt right.

* * * * *

She buries Juniperkit with Brambleclaw. They dig his grave in silence, just a few badger lengths away from the hollow tree.

Brambleclaw gently grabs Juniperkit and lowers him into the ground to rest.

Squirreldawn takes one last look at her son and cries out again. Perhaps if he lived he would have been leader or deputy. Maybe he would have changed the history of the clans for the better.

But he was never given a chance.

Squirreldawn starts shaking, sobbing uncontrollably. Brambleclaw comes to her side, supporting her body weight.

(She sees fire)

Why must StarClan have to take her son before he even got to experience the world?

(The fire burns)

She lets out another violent cry. Brambleclaw says something to her softly, but she cannot hear through her whimpers.

(Maybe her eldest son was spared)

As she watches Brambleclaw carefully fill in Juniperkit’s grave, she can only think of a universe where she isn’t a medicine cat, where she is happy as a warrior with four kits and a loving mate.

* * * * *

Eventually she has to face her clan again.

Brambleclaw explains that he found the two sisters when Leafpool was kitting. Squirreldawn states that it was a long birth with six kits, and that it took nearly two days, explaining their absence.

She doesn’t know how her clan is so gullible.

(It’s a trait her kits have too— being gullible. Maybe it runs in ThunderClan)

* * * * *

Leafpool gets visibly exhausted from nursing so many kits. As the only medicine cat, Squirreldawn visits the nursery often.

Every visit hurts.

Her eyes always see her three remaining kits first when she enters the milky-scented den.

Dandelionkit, along with Leafpool’s biological son, Jaykit, seem noticeably smaller than the other four. Squirreldawn makes a mental note to watch the two closely and make sure they get enough to eat.

“You have a beautiful litter,” Daisy says to Leafpool, “It’s a blessing you gave birth to so many.”

“It really is. I love them all so much.”

“You must be so excited to raise them. I’m glad to see you wanted to be a queen by yourself. You always struck me as the motherly type, Leafpool. It’s no wonder why StarClan blessed you with six kits.”

But there was supposed to be seven.

Squirreldawn steps out of the nursery, her eyes watery.

But four were supposed to be mine.

* * * * *

She stops smelling like Brambleclaw so much.

There is no Cinderpelt to notice the change.

* * * * *

Hollykit is the first out of the six to open her eyes.

(Squirreldawn sees green eyes with the reflection of flames in them)

Squirreldawn reminds herself that being a medicine cat is a curse.

* * * * *

Half a moon passes and Leafpool’s kits start mewing real words.

The first one to speak is Sparkkit. Her first word is “Momma”.

She doesn’t say it to Squirreldawn.

* * * * *

“Jaykit, how many leaves are on the floor next to me?”

Leafpool has noticed Jaykit is very clumsy compared to the rest of the kits, and Squirreldawn has noticed how foggy his eyes look.

Jaykit gets up to walk next to Squirreldawn, but Leafpool stops him. “No, Jaykit, stay put where you are.”

“How am I supposed to know how many there are then?” The little silver tabby’s voice shows he is clearly frustrated. He is still the smallest of both Leafpool’s and Squirreldawn’s kits, and even at a young age he is showing his personality already.

“Look with your eyes and count. How many are they?”

“I’m not dreaming, how am I supposed to know?”

Squirreldawn ears prick up. “What is different about your dreams from now?”

“In my dreams I see colors and shapes. Doesn’t every cat?”

“You don’t see colors and shapes now?”

“…No?”

Squirreldawn knows Jaykit is blind, but she has no idea how he sees in his dreams.

* * * * *

One day Leafpool brings Dandelionkit to the medicine den in panic.

“She’s wheezing a lot again— I don’t know how to get her to stop.”

This is not Dandelionkit’s first visit to the medicine den.

Squirreldawn feels her youngest daughter’s feverish head and listens to her heavy, uneven breathing.

Her stomach twists because all she can remember is Yellowfang’s story, how she lost her daughters as punishment. Dandelionkit has been having this sickness for awhile now, and no amount of herbs seem to be helping her get better.

Squirreldawn grabs juniper from the herb storage and winces at the smell, the reminder of her son.

Why was the world so cruel?

(Why would it just get worse?)

She places the juniper as well as feverfew in front of her daughter.

“Dandelionkit, I need you to eat these herbs for me, alright?”

“No! I don’t like herbs!”

Leafpool looks at Dandelionkit with such gentleness that Squirreldawn thinks it’s no surprise she has the whole clan fooled to the kits real parentage.

“Dandelionkit, sweetie, remember last time you ate your herbs for Squirreldawn? She gave you honey. You love honey.”

Dandelionkit opens her mouth to reply but cannot speak. Raspy, violent coughs leave her throat.

Leafpool inches closer to her sister and wraps her tail around Squirreldawn, and suddenly Squirreldawn realizes she is shaking.

Squirreldawn chews up the herbs into smaller pieces for Dandelionkit, fearing she’ll choke. She grabs a piece of moss and soaks it with water from a puddle in the den and encourages her daughter to drink.

She hates watching her daughter suffer.

(It’s a shame she’d have to watch the rest of her children suffer too)

Dandelionkit does eventually eat her herbs, and she stays sleeping in the medicine den for awhile with Leafpool while Daisy watches the rest of the kits in the nursery. The kits were starting to eat solid food now and there was no need for Leafpool to have to be there with the rest of them while Dandelionkit is sick.

* * * * *

It’s two nights after she cleared Dandelionkit to leave the medicine den when Squirreldawn is woken up in a panic.

“Squirreldawn! Squirreldawn! Wake up! Dandelionkit isn’t breathing!”

Squirreldawn practically leaps out of her nest. “What? She was getting better— I—“ She takes a deep breath and reminds herself she is not Dandelionkit’s mother, she is her medicine cat. “Take me to her.”

Squirreldawn follows Daisy out of the den, sprinting to the nursery. It is so early the sky is still dark and only few birds are singing.

Leafpool is curled around a small, tiny kitten. The kit is not moving.

No no no no no—

Squirreldawn feels like she is reliving a nightmare again and again, and her mind changes Dandelionkit’s body to Juniperkit’s as she feels a wave of dizziness crash over her.

Leafpool’s cries are horrible, gut wrenching sounds.

Squirreldawn rushes over to Dandelionkit, trying to hold herself together, trying to find any hope that maybe, just maybe, her youngest daughter will be okay.

Squirreldawn curses in her head because in what world would StarClan ever let her be happy?

“She stopped moving completely when you left Daisy— I tried so hard I—“ Leafpool is hyperventilating now, crying so hard she is practically choking.

Squirreldawn wants to ask so many questions, how Dandelionkit suddenly took a turn for the worst, how she started wheezing this bad, and how, how did everything keep going wrong?

But she stays silent because she is not Dandelionkit’s mother and never will be.

“Leafpool, no no, this is not your fault. Listen. This is not your fault.”

It takes everything in Squirreldawn to console her sister, everything for her to not break down right then and there.

(She sees an older Sparkkit and Alderkit shaking alongside their other siblings as flames burn)

This is my fault.

What type of medicine cat cannot save their own daughter?

* * * * *

Later that day, when everyone is busy out on patrols, Brambleclaw sneaks into Squirreldawn’s den.

Squirreldawn sees him, and hoping no one else is around, she starts to sob.

Brambleclaw nuzzles her and embraces her as she cries.

“This is not your fault.” He says. Squirreldawn wishes she could believe him.

“I c-couldn’t save h-her—“ Squirreldawn is crying so hard she can’t even speak and can barely breathe.

Brambleclaw licks her pelt soothingly in an attempt to calm her down.

“No, Squirreldawn. You are a great medicine cat. Silently, you are a great mother. You are doing great, Squirreldawn. This is not your fault.” He repeats this over and over again, and not once does Squirreldawn think he’s speaking the truth.

Leafpool is sleeping in the corner of the den, feeling the effects of the poppy seeds Squirreldawn had given her. Squirreldawn flicks her tail as to gesture over to her sister.

“I am not a great mother, she is.”

  * * * * *

Holding her tears in that night at the vigil was one of the hardest things she has ever done.

There is no body as Dandelionkit was already buried. Typically, with kits, they are buried as soon as they die.

For kits so young normally only close kin holds vigil. It is no different for Dandelionkit. It is only Leafpool, Firestar, Sandstorm, and Brambleclaw sitting in silence through the night.

(Her mind flashes to another vigil, sometime in the future, where there is a gray furred body in the clearing. She cannot make out who it is)

Squirreldawn is anxious. Her tail flicks back and forth and she is still shaky.

At some point, her mother notices. Sandstorm sits down next to Squirreldawn and nuzzles her. Squirreldawn closes her eyes and pretends to be a kit in the nursery with no worries, a kit that wanted to be a medicine cat so very badly.

Now she hates her job.

Well, in a way, she doesn’t hate it. She loves healing her clan. She loves supporting everyone.

She just wishes it wasn’t everyone else before herself all the time.

* * * * *

Yellowfang visits her the next night in her dreams.

“Is StarClan punishing me?” Squirreldawn asks, and she is suddenly crying all over again.

(The fire burns)

Yellowfang’s starry body starts to groom Squirreldawn, and the ginger she-cat realizes how matted her fur must be.

“No, Squirreldawn, I would never let them punish you. You are just unlucky.”

(The fire burns)

* * * * *

A moon later Squirreldawn starts to notice Alderkit and Jaykit lingering around the medicine den as she sorts herbs.

“What do you to need?” She doesn’t look in their direction as she speaks. “I can see you two peering in the den, you aren’t sneaky.”

She can hear Alderkit whisper something to Jaykit, and Jaykit clears his throat. “We are just looking! No one said we can’t look!”

She turns and sees Alderkit hiding behind Jaykit. It looks rather silly, considering Alderkit is nearly twice Jaykit’s size.

“Well, you don’t have to stay outside. You can look inside too, you know, as long as you ask.”

Squirreldawn is immediately reminded of herself as a kit, how she was always in the medicine den annoying Cinderpelt.

Jaykit makes the first step inside, marching over to the herb store. Alderkit trails after him timidly. Leafpool has mentioned how shy Alderkit is, but she didn’t need to tell Squirreldawn about that for her to notice it. Squirreldawn was always watching her kits.

Jaykit starts to ask questions about what herbs are called and what they do. Squirreldawn can see Alderkit listening, but he doesn’t speak for awhile. Finally, he asks a question.

“What’s that yellow flower?” Alderkit says.

He is sniffing a yellow dandelion and Squirreldawn’s stomach drops.

“Dandelion. They aren’t always yellow and they don’t always look like a flower, but they do now because it’s spring.”

“Dandelion. Like our sister?” Jaykit asks. Squirreldawn starts to shake again.

She pushes back a lump that is forming in her throat. “Yes. Like your sister.”

“Momma says I’m named after a herb.” Alderkit mumbles. Squirreldawn nods.

It pains her, that Alderkit will never know she was the one who named him. That he will never know the reason behind his name is because his real mother is a medicine cat.

(She sees an older version of her youngest son scared and trembling)

“Yes. This one. Alder bark. It helps with toothaches.” Squirreldawn states, and she remembers Cinderpelt telling her the same thing.

She looks at Alderkit’s amber eyes. His father’s. He does not have the same green eyes from Squirreldawn like Sparkkit does.

She wonders what color Juniperkit’s eyes would have been.

She looks at Alderkit for a long time, and Squirreldawn realizes that while Alderkit may have an interest in medicine den, she has to ignore it. She cannot mentor her forbidden son, she chose not to be a part of his life. Now she has to live with that decision.

Jaykit didn’t have to be a medicine cat. Yes, he is blind, but he wouldn’t be the first blind cat ever in the clans. Surely he could train as a warrior.

But, Squirreldawn needs an apprentice, and she cannot mentor her own son.

That day, she decides if he keeps interest in the job, Jaykit will be her apprentice, not Alderkit.

She will not curse her son to horrid life like her’s.

(It was too late. He was already cursed)

* * * * *

“Let all cats old enough to hunt their own prey gather beneath the high ledge for a clan meeting!”

Squirreldawn knows what is happening. She told Firestar who her apprentice will be already.

“Leafpool’s kits have reached six moons of age and it is time for them to start their warrior training.

In front of the high ledge, all five of them stand tall.

There was supposed to be seven.

How terrible it was, that Squirreldawn wasn’t the one who got her children ready for their apprentice ceremony. That she wasn’t the one grooming them and telling them the proper posture to stand.

She can see a clump of fur going in the wrong direction on Sparkkit’s chest. She would have fixed it.

“Lionkit, step forward.”

Lionkit steps in front. He is the largest of the kits, particularly fluffy too. Genetically, Squirreldawn isn’t sure where he gets it from, but the clan probably thinks it’s from Brambleclaw.

“Lionkit, you have reached the age of six moons, and it is time for you to be apprenticed. From this day on, until you receive your warrior name, you will be known as Lionpaw. Your mentor will be Ashfur. I hope Ashfur will pass down all he knows to you.”

Squirreldawn is grateful Ashfur isn’t mentoring Sparkkit or Alderkit.

(She sees Lionpaw in an intense fight with someone. Wait— was he fighting Ashfur? His mentor?)

“Hollykit, step forward.”

Squireldawn remembers her dreams and visions.

“Hollypaw, you have reached the age of six moons, and it is time for you to be apprenticed. From this day on, until you recieve your warrior name, you will be known as Hollypaw. Your mentor will be Brightheart. I hope Brightheart passes all she knows down to you.”

(She sees Hollypaw getting crushed)

Squirreldawn starts to feel dizzy from the vision. Her visions are weird. She’ll have them, then her memory of them will be foggy.

But she remembers this one. She cannot let another one of those kits die.

She will not let Hollypaw get crushed. She will not let Leafpool loose one of her children.

“Sparkkit, step forward.”

Sparkkit listens to her leader. She is practically a clone of him from head toe toe.

“Sparkkit, you have reached the age of six moons, and it is time for you to be apprenticed. From this day on, until you revive your warrior name, you will be known as Sparkpaw. Your mentor will be Brackenfur. I hope Brackenfur passes down all he knows to you.”

(She sees her daughter angry. She is screaming at someone. Squirreldawn then realizes that someone is her)

“Alderkit, step forward.”

Alderkit listens, but Squirreldawn can tell how nervous he is. He is hunched over and his tail flicks when he is anxious, just like Squirreldawn.

“Alderkit, you have reached six moons of age, and it is time for you to be apprenticed. From this day on, until you receive your warrior name, you will be known as Alderpaw. Your mentor will be Whitewing. I hope Whitewing passes down all she knows to you.”

Squirreldawn is glad Whitewing is mentoring Alderpaw. Her and Whitewing grew up together, and they have always been friends.

(She sees her son slipping on a fallen tree)

“Jaykit, step forward.”

Jaykit steps. He is so small compared to his siblings. He must know it, because Squirreldawn can tell he is standing up extra tall and is balancing on his toes.

“Jaykit, you have reached the age of six moons and it is time for you to be apprenticed. From this day on, until you receive your medicine cat name, you will be known as Jaypaw. Your mentor will be Squirreldawn. I hope she passes down all she knows to you.”

(She sees herself being ignored and shunned away by an older Jaypaw)

She gets up and walks over to her nephew, touches noses with him. Jaypaw is known for being grumpy, but at this moment he seems to proud and excited.

Squirreldawn sees herself in him. She was once Jaypaw, newly apprenticed and excited.

How brutally unaware she was of what being a medicine cat really meant.

Firestar dismisses the meeting. Squirreldawn should be focused on her own apprentice, but she keeps her eyes on Sparkkit and Alderkit.

Leafpool goes up to all her kits one by one and congratulates them.

Squirreldawn thinks, that in a perfect world, she was the one congratulating her kits.

Squirreldawn thinks, that in a perfect world, she was the one her kits called mother.

Squirreldawn thinks, that in a perfect world, Firestar would be making seven kits apprentices today.

The world has never been perfect.

(She sees fire)