Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Hey man, thanks for being in my life, from childhood till now
Y’know, I can’t imagine growing up without you
Everytime I look back these days it seems that I see you
Though I never said it you always were my friend.

Hey man, I miss your jokes, odd as they might be
I never thought that I could miss being called a Jew
But your jokes were always funny, no one was ever mad
No matter how offensive, you carried it off with class
I’ve never known somebody who could do that like you
Maybe I hope I never do

Hey man, I’m so sorry that it ended there,
I wish I would have known ya know, I wish you told us so
I don’t know what was said by those voices in your head
I don’t know what happened that dark night
I don’t know why you chose to leave so soon
I don’t know what you went through, though I wish you would have told
It’s alright. It’s alright. I’m not mad, but it’s so sad.

Hey man, ya know it’s not the end
Someday I know I’ll see you again
Till then, I gotta live, I got a whole life to build
And some distant day we’ll meet once again
And on that day it’ll be alright again
So until then, we'll say goodnight,
I’ll see you on the other side.
Goodbye.

Chapter Text

Staring at the ceiling late at night,

I wonder how it would have been if it all went right.

Still shadows show in the clock’s blue light

It’s one in the morning, I stop trying to sleep.

I linger on what might have been, I feel I may weep.

I’ve done that a lot lately.

I calculate the hours I have to sleep.

I come up short, I can’t seem to care.

Isn’t that what caffeine’s for?

So I keep staring, keep wondering,

As the silence swallows the night,

And my thoughts eat me alive.

Chapter Text

I’m so angry at you

You haven’t a clue

You don’t know what you’re doing

How can you hurt someone so and have no clue?

How can you reject someone so and not know?

How can you demolish a person’s self-image,

And walk away without even a conception

How can you draw someone in and repulse them,

Then bring them back after they left again

It’s like you set out honey that tasted like vinegar,

And somehow can’t smell it.

You hurt me.

Do you understand?

I know you can’t tell.

Maybe this is my problem.

Maybe I shouldn’t have let you hurt me like this.

Maybe this is my fault.

Maybe I’m the idiot fly–not in a trap you intended,

But trapped against the window glass.

Who’s to blame then?

You for your poison?

Or me for my idiocy?

Is there blame?

Or should I just sulk away and lick my wounds.

And from afar watch–

You so innocent, yet inflicting such pain.

Chapter Text

My mother gave these things to me,
Though perhaps they should be thrown into the sea.
You see, she got them from her mother,
And likely she got them from hers.

My mother did not give me all that her mother gave to her.
And I am so grateful that I have less to mourn.
Yet she still gave me things she got from hers,
And added a few of her own, in a dusty box of remorse.

If I have children, I hope I will not give them what my mother gave to me.
I hope I will give them, not dirty relics to mourn,
But glowing, happy things my mother could not give to me.

My mother could not give these things for she had none herself.
Just a legacy of pain she did not wish to inflict.
Yet despite her best efforts she still gave me sad things.
Things I say I will not pass on, yet is it my choice?

We do not choose what we inherit.
I did not choose these dirty things.
My mother did not choose the filth she was given.
Her mother surely did not want what she was bequeathed.
Must I pass on these hurtful things?
Or can the line end with me?

Chapter Text

Do you think
That perhaps,
The caterpillar longs to be a butterfly?
Perhaps,
It waits with bated breath to fly

I think
That I am that caterpillar
I wait and wait
For one day much too far away.
I will be free.

Chapter Text

Graves have no right to be so pretty,
When what happened was so ugly.
Flowers over decay
Happy memories overlay the pain
No tribute is ever enough
No time is gonna heal these wounds
I don’t know how this story ends
Some days I wish it never began
(That’s a lie; it’s worth what we had
Even if the end was so bad)
I wish I would have known
I don’t know why you wouldn’t have told
Graves have no right to be so pretty
When the world looks so ugly
Some days I feel like I’ve been stabbed
Some nights, I’m out of tears to cry
Nine months, like it happened yesterday.
Fall colors decorate your funeral,
Bright days mock your burial.
Your grave has no right to be so pretty
When what happened was so ugly.
Time isn’t gonna heal these wounds.
Donchya know the dead don’t rise.
Your grave has no right to be so pretty,
When what happened was so ugly.

Chapter Text

There’s a monster in the closet.
He’s been there my whole life.
I’ve never seen him, no, but I’ve always known he’s there.
Waiting, watching, whispering in the dark.
Knowing one day he’ll be free

There’s a monster in the closet,
I’ve never seen him, no,
But I’ve seen every family member haunted by his kind.
Heard them all curse the dark,
Watched him destroy their minds,
And known one day that’ll be me.

I’ve watched with envy those with no monster
I’ve dreaded for when my own steps out
Oh, I’ve never seen him, but I’ve always known he’s there…
He whispers in the darkest of nights,
I wait with dread for the creak of the door

Tonight I looked behind me–
The closet was open, and the monster stared back.

Chapter Text

I sit on the grass, cold drink in my hand, and watch the fire blaze

It dances, enraptures the gaze, makes me laugh and grin

Watching it burn, watching the embers fly

Pain, heartbreak, loneliness– they all go up in flame

The heat can’t touch me, it’ll never burn me again

Warmth on my face while I grin at the leaping red flames

Soon it will all be ash, and I’ll walk away unscathed

I have no use for this fire’s fuel

No use for the hurt and betrayal that burned down to the bone

No use for the ones who set themselves ablaze, and who would burn me too

There’s nothing to do but watch their self-made pyre

While here on the cool grass in the breeze.

I raise my glass to this cleansing blaze.

I didn’t light the match but I’ll let it burn

Let it all burn, burn, burn

Chapter Text

Slow down for just a minute,
Shut up for just a second,
Let me breathe.
Let me breathe.
It’s all happening so fast
It’s too fast.
Why is it so fast?
What do I do?
Let me think.
Just let me think.
Shut up so I can think.
Thinking’s sending my heart racing,
Sending my mind whirling,
Just let me pause.
There’s no pause button.
Let me breathe.
I can’t breathe.
One minute.
Just one minute.
There’s no minute to spare.
Keep racing.
Keep going.
You can rest once you’re done.
What’s done?
Who knows?
It’ll all stop when you’re dead.

Chapter Text

Nothing and everything
I’m searching for nothing and everything
I want to roam the world
I want to see it all and leave nothing behind

Wanderlust
It haunts my waking moments
It follows me in my dreams
Lights a fire in my chest
Makes my feet want to run

It’s the very devil, it’s the holiest fire
It tells me all I ever want,
It tells me all I’ll never have
Just to wander the earth til we all burn out

Wanderlust
It haunts my waking moments
It follows me in my dreams
Lights a fire in my chest
Makes my feet want to run

They speak of the Wandering Jew
They call him cursed
He’s my dream come true
To roam the earth forever?
What more could a person want?
What more could a person need?
Just to wander til we all burn out.

Chapter Text

We dance between the shadow and the light
Here on the edge of the day we meet
You and I, we laugh and play,
In those fleeting moments between dark and bright
You beckon to me, I follow,
I lead the dance, you follow my steps
In these breathless moments on the edge of night,
We await each other
Ever and always we twain shall meet,
Till the light forever fades, or shadow becomes shine
I love you, my dance-partner, my friend.
You bring me the joy of life, and I give you laughter.
We will do this dance til’ the world’s end,
And even then–perhaps I’ll meet you there.

Chapter Text

We used to talk late in the night,
Something and everything on our minds
I told you everything, you gave the same,
You told me how your world was dark,
How broken, how you were in pain.
I was too young to truly know how,
Too young to see the scars on your arms.
I wonder if the world could change,
If your fate will be as you say.
I love you and the stars in your eyes,
But love, everyday you don’t call back,
I check online for your death.

We used to talk all alone,
I told you what I never told another soul,
You told me things I was too young to know.
It fed me like sweetest wine, the warmest hug,
Left me sweatin’ through my shirt in fear we’d be overheard.
I saw you through heartbreak and hell, cuts and control.
I wonder if the world could truly change,
If your fate will be as you say.
I just know that the last time we spoke you said you didn’t know,
If you could do this for a lifetime.

We still talk on the telephone.
I miss you like hell, you still tell me all.
I think of the scars on your arms,
(I’m old enough to see them, old enough to know)
I used to wonder how you could feel that way,
I wonder when I understood,
When I felt it too and knew,
Why you didn’t think you could do this for all time.
Now I know the world can change in a day.
I wonder if your fate will be as you say.
I love you and the stars in your eyes,
But love, there’s a piece of my heart,
That already mourns you.

We used to talk all day and night,
Back then my world was so bright,
I wonder why, I wonder when,
My whole world fell apart.
I wonder why, I wonder when,
If your fate will be as you say.

Chapter Text

A year, a year, a turn around the sun.
What is a year, when we had ten?
I start on the rest of my life,
Yours ends in the frozen ground.
Grief digs a hole in my chest,
Raw and open to the air.
Hurt crawls up my throat,
Choking, so I cannot speak to my pain.
I count down the days with dread (19, 18, 17…)
To-day my world is filled with you,
What will I be on your deathday?
Why must I be so familiar with grief,
That the loss slides on like clothes well-worn?
A year ago I could not have dreamed of this,
A year ago Death’s hand had not brushed me.
He is a painter, covering my life in gray,
But why must the piece be so ugly?
I swim in pain, waves crashing over me,
And oh, my friend, I am drowning.