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Chapter Text

"Stell!"

Stella was too busy forcing on her only pair of decent heels - she hadn't wore them since her honeymoon.

"Stella!" Charlie shouted, appearing in the hallway, shirt creased. Rotherham's lack of footballing success as of late meant it hadn't been ironed in a while.

"WHAT?!"

"I made your lunch." Charlie said, hands in the air, one holding a brown paper bag. "Promise me you'll eat it; you don't have any excuses now - I know you've been pumping all your lunch money in the Greedy Slits."

"I can do whatever I want with that money Charlie, it's mine once you give it me!" Stella snapped. "Right, I'm off."

"Stella!"

"What. Charlie."

"I love you, y'know." Charlie said, stepping closer, arms outstretched.

"Drop dead."

And she was gone, lunch in hand, heels clicking, her husband left in the dust, defeated.

Charlie sighed. "Bye then."

Stella click-clacked her way to the car, and yanked at the door. It wouldn't open; it was sticky with something - maybe goat's blood, maybe giraffe spunk - or maybe the unneeded child locks were still on. Why did Chinnery have child locks on it in the first place?

With a final, harsh pull, the door opened, and Stella stepped in. Charlie had been watching, and was waving her off; he'd clearly been trying to get in her good books lately.

"You need a new car, Chinnery - this one's shite." Stella said sharply. "It's a bloody death trap, and why do you have child locks on it?"

Chinnery sighed. "And good morning to you too, Stella."

The door shut, and Stella pressed herself into the seat. Charlie was still waving, bless his heart. Or at least, that's what Chinnery thought when he saw him. Stella simply flipped him the bird, rolled down the window, and threw her specially packed lunch in his general direction. The banana flung like a boomerang, hitting him in the face.

"I am a vet you know, Stella." Chinnery said lightly, as if Stella hadn't just insulted his beloved Toyota Camry. Red, of course - disguised the blood. "I can't risk a snake getting loose!"

"Knowing your luck it'd tie itself in a bloody knot!" Stella snapped. "Twisting and turning until it strangled itself. I can see it now - you sat in the backseat, crying into the corpse's skin like a weird Hannibal Lecter-"

Chinnery coughed, possibly disguising the slight shine to his eyes. "Now, Stella-"

"Stella!" A voice interrupted, saving Chinnery from further embarrassment. "On the subject of child locks, me and my Sunny have found that child locks can be very useful in keep certain doors closed, if you know what I mean." Alvin grinned and tapped his nose in a suggestive manner. 

"Oh, you're here." Stella said through gritted teeth. "Here we fucking go." 

"Last weekend we had our fortnightly swingers Saturday with a twist. We took the cars to the car park near the old Asda and..."

Herr Lipp was late.

Chinnery tapped his fingers on the wheel, humming There is a Light That Never Goes Out by The Smiths. Alvin was bopping his head along, while Stella sat smoking a cigarette out of the back window.

"...to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die-"

"Oh, shut up Chinnery." Stella said between puffs on her dying ciggie. "I can't take much more of this..."

"Now Stella, there really is no need for this hostility!"

"Carry on with that and I'll stub this fag out on your fucking eyeball."

"Stella!" Chinnery gasped, though his voice still sounded on the verge of a laugh. It always did, somehow. "That language is not needed! We've only got one more member to go after this."

"Did someone say members?"

"Ah, Herr Lipp!" Chinnery smiled wide. "Are you quite alright?"

"Ja, ja, sorry for ze lateness!" Herr frolicked to the car and hopped in. "Exqueese me but is zer space enough for me to wedge into your gap?" 

"I don't know what gap you're tryna get into mate but you're barking up the wrong fucking tree!" snapped Stella. 

"Alles Klar." 

"Speaking of trees," Alvin started again, "when I was a kid, my father used to keep the child locks on all the time and one day-" 

"I love zee kiddy locks." Herr Lipp interrupted, "Zey are so good at keeping things tight and protected for the younger ones." 

"Well, anyhow," Alvin continued, "there was a tree in the road and we needed to get out and move it, but of course, the locks were on so..."

By the time they'd arrived at Geoff's place, Stella wished she'd kept Charlie's lunch. Not because she was hungry; she wouldn't have eaten Charlie's sandwiches, even if he'd been classed on the art at Luigi's. No, she wished she had a banana to hit these men in the face with.

Geoff was there already waiting, arms crossed, foot tapping. He rushed over, tripping halfway, which made Stella cackle to herself.

"Alright, alright, fuck off!" Geoff said, trying to open the door.

Stella scowled, slowly pressed down the child lock, and gestured to the other side, staring into his soul.

Geoff rounded the car with a dramatic sigh, a familiar white van driving past and nearly tearing him down.

Ollie Plimsolls, noticeably, wasn't present.

Eventually, after sending a variety of obscenities in the van's direction, Geoff stumbled in, already irate. He squeezed in next to Herr Lipp, elbows on knees, pressed in next to him.

"Ah, Geoff!" Chinnery grinned. "Good of you to join us."

"I nearly fucking didn't!" Geoff snapped. "Leaving me to get in on the bloody road side, it's practically a death wish!"

"Well, I'm sorry-"

"You'll be done for fucking manslaughter Chinnery, I'll make sure of that!"

"Jesus Christ! The testosterone levels in this car are giving me a cunt-wanking migraine!" Stella snapped. 

"Why, the colour of the language in this car today is sickening!" Chinnery said with a forced laugh. "I do hope you can all stop yourselves when we're in front of the children."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Geoff muttered, shifting. "It's like a tin of fu...I mean, bloody sardines in here."

"Good enough."

Herr Lipp, as if he knew he'd been forgotten, suddenly turned to Geoff, squeezing him further into his side of the car. "Would you like some help with your plug?"

"Err... no thanks." Geoff murmured, uncomfortable. 

He went to plug in his seat belt but, as he said, the car had become particularly cramped.

"Ooh, it appears zat you have stroked my buttock." Herr Lipp said with a giggle. 

"I in't a bummer." Geoff snapped assuredly. "And anyway I couldn't be because you know what they say, bummers are deaf." 

"Vat?" 

"Bummers are deaf." 

"I'm sorry I don't understand you."

"BUMMERS ARE- oh forget it." Geoff said, defeated. 

Chinnery chuckled. "Good, because we're nearly there."

Stella sighed. "Well, can't be any worse than a lifetime with Charlie."

"No, I expect not." The vet said wearily.

Nobody said anything after that. Maybe they'd all sensed that Chinnery was on the verge of a breakdown, or maybe the novelty was already wearing off, but whatever it was, it was needed. Even Alvin stopped talking long enough for Stella to rest her head on Herr Lipp's shoulder, and for Herr Lipp to shrug her off in one swift, slightly camp motion.

Chinnery simply tutted and drove.

It was only going to get worse from here.

Chapter Text

"We're here." Chinnery said, still cheery as ever.

"Thank fucking god!" Stella huffed.

They all stumbled out of the car into the car park at Royston Vasey Secondary. Herr Lipp followed Geoff out of his side, foot catching as he stepped out. Or at least, that's what he claimed.

"Gerroff me!" Geoff yelled, practically jumping out of his skin.

"I am apologies but I was falling and I needed something substantial to grab onto, you see" Herr Lipp looked Geoff up and down as he said this.

"Like fuck you did."

"Geoff, please!" Chinnery hissed. "We are at the school now so please keep you language PG."

"Alright, alright." Geoff grunted. 

They all made their way to the main entrance, Stella still dragging on her cigarette. 

"You should really put that out, you know." Alvin advised her.

She frowned at him, reluctantly dropped her cigarette to the ground and squished it with the bottom of her shoe. 

"There, are you happy now? You've made me ruin my best heels." 

Just as they were about to make their way towards the entrance, a familiar figure rushed to greet them.

"Are you the rest of them?"

"Rest of who?" Geoff asked.

"The exam invigilators, of course! It's almost showtime, people!"

"Ohhhh yeah." He said. "Well, I'm only doing it for the money, so..."

Ollie sighed, looking at the unlikely bunch in front of him. Chinnery, as raring and ready to go as Ollie was. Alvin, helplessly, adorably awkward. Stella, most likely to attempt strangulation on an unsuspecting child. Herr Lipp, most likely to exude perversion upon an unsuspecting child. And Geoff, who did not seem to give a flying-

"Are the others inside, Ollie?" Chinnery asked.

"They've all been inside since 7:45!" Ollie hissed. "They were up and here while you five were dawdling!"

"Well I did have four people to pick up, for christ sake!"

"Don't take that attitude with me, veterinary." Ollie said, stepping closer. "Or else I'll have to think about sending you on your way."

"But we've car pooled-"

"Does it look like I care?" Ollie snapped. There was silence for about five seconds.

"Right!" He said suddenly, clapping his hands together. "Shall we go in?"

Herr Lipp trotted over excitedly. "Yes, I'm desperate to come inside!"

And with that, they followed Ollie in, Chinnery already verging on a migraine, Herr Lipp already aroused, and Stella wondering why the hell she'd agreed to this in the first place.

The exam hall was as you'd expect. Big. Empty. Full to the brim with chairs, tables and exam papers. Chinnery thought it was like magic about to be made. Geoff thought it was an excuse to make money for nothing.

"Right, here we are!" Ollie said. "Come on, come on, find somewhere to stand!"

Harvey Denton was already stood at the front, staring at the sea of empty chairs. "Lateness will not be accepted henceforth."

Chinnery tried to protest. "We weren't late, Har-"

"Yes, you were."

Chinnery ignored him, resigned to his fate.

Meanwhile, Pauline and Ross were stood at opposite ends of the hall, attempting to write on the whiteboard.

"You can't use that kind of pen, Ross!" Pauline snapped, "It's all wrong. Here, let me do it!"

"I know how to write on a board, Pauline." Ross said, quickly moving his hand away from her outstretched arm. 

"Yes, well, you're not the one who's worked in the employment service for 20 years." 

"That may be, but I'm also not the one who got fired from the employment service for endangerment and abuse of power." 

"Oh, shut it Ross, you worthless gobshite! What are you doing here anyway if you've got a job?" 

"If you must know, I like organising the papers." 

"Well that's just sad." Stella said as she strutted past. 

Ross and Pauline shared a look before she launched herself at him in an attempt to grab the pen. The, frankly, weak kerfuffle that followed was short lived as Alvin made his way over. 

"Excuse me, chums, but you wouldn't mind if I wrote on the board. I've got some pretty good experience from our notice board at the hotel." He said, with his classic grin beaming across his face. 

"Piss off!" Pauline yelled, before finally snatching the pen from Ross's hands. 

Ross threw his hands up in the air in defeat and made his way over to the rest of the group to introduce himself.

"Ross Gaines." He simply said. "Pleased to meet you."

"Ah, Ross!" Chinnery smiled, shaking his hand. "I don't believe we've met."

"No, I'm not much of a fan of pets." He said. "Gets hair and marks on the furniture."

"I know who you are." Stella said. "You're always going on about dole scum like me, aren't you? Well my Charlie earns enough money for the two of us, so you can fuck right off."

Everyone stared at her, which wasn't surprising considering "bananagate".

"And you can all fuck off an' all."

She disappeared, muttering something about having another cigarette.

"For the record," Ross said. "I said nothing."

"She's a nutter, that one." Geoff muttered. "Wouldn't let me get in on the pavement side of that rust bucket Chinnery calls a car! I swear they were both out to kill me! Well, they can think again, because they know I've got this gun!"

Geoff did, indeed, pull out a gun. Ross's mouth opened wide, and right on queue, Ollie turned and saw him.

"GEOFF!" He shouted. "WHAT IN HELL'S NAME ARE YOU DOING WITH A GUN?!"

"Now Geoff, we don't want to see anyone dead on our first day on the job, do we?" Chinnery said. "Give me the gun, and we can all move on, alright?"

"I'll tell you what Geoff, he's right about that." Alvin said suddenly. "Guns are a dangerous business. Me and my Sunny, we once-"

Ross turned quickly. "ALVIN, DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE CARE?!"

Alvin's face fell, and he wandered off to the corner of the room. He sniffled a bit, and his glasses fogged, but nothing more happened past that. There was too much going on.

"Right!" Harvey suddenly shouted. "You, young man, will give me the gun."

"NO I WON'T!"

"Give. Me. The. Gun."

Harvey stared, and the room watched as Geoff's icy stare melted in record time. He gave Harvey the gun, and it was swiftly thrown in the bin. Ollie was stood, frozen and wide-eyed, staring in horror at how out of control things had gotten. 

"Excuse me a moment, I think I'm going to be sick." Ollie muttered, disappearing.

"Oh dear, oh dear..." Chinnery sighed. "Ollie, come back!"

"So," Harvey said. "We have one invigilator feeling green around the gills - though I personally beg to differ - and the vet having gone MIA."

"That means missing in action!" Geoff exclaimed. "We learnt that in the TA's!" He cackled and nudged Ross who looked thoroughly unamused.

"Yes, thank you, gunslinger." Harvey said. "Now, Mr. Plimsolls' orders..."

A faint flushing noise was heard from the end of hall. 

"Apologies for ze late arrival, ze handle needed a...how you say...real good tug." Herr Lipp said.

"That's disgusting." Pauline said. 

"Oh good, you're back." Ross said, sarcastically.

Harvey swivelled on his heels to face Herr Lipp. "I do hope you washed your hands thoroughly."

"I gave zem a good squirt, yes." He smiled. 

"Right... so as I was saying, Mr. Plimsolls' orders are that we are to split up." Harvey said. "He has a spreadsheet - something which I have read and reread a few times over - of how we will be paired each day."

"Of course he has a bloody spreadsheet." Geoff muttered.

"There are nine of us, and there's three rooms." Harvey explained. "So Ollie believes it best that five of us remain, and four of us split into pairs to take care of those with, 'upgrades'."

"Go on then, who's with who?" Ross asked.

"Well, it says here that on this occasion, it is yourself and Pauline-"

"Oh for fuck sake."

"Language, Mr. Gaines." Harvey said.

"How the fuck did you hear that?!"

Harvey didn't dignify that with a response. "As I was saying, Geoff and Matthew will be in the other "specialist room"..."

"You say specialist as if that's a bad thing, Harvey!" Chinnery said with a smile, entering the room with Ollie in tow.

"I swear to god, if I end up in a room with Royston Vasey's answer to the terminator, I'm quitting!" He hissed.

"Well lucky for you, my lad, Geoff's with young Matthew here."

"You hear that, Chinnery?" Geoff asked. "We're paired up."

"Yes, and I look forward to it."

"So that leaves myself, Ollie, Alvin, Herr Lipp, and Stella." Harvey continued. "Where, pray tell, is Stella?"

"I was outside having a fag."

They turned, and Herr Lipp grinned. "I had a fag once! In fact, I have had multiple of ze fags! Many, many during my time in England."

"Ooh, bit of a dark horse; I didn't know you smoked!" Pauline said with a wink.

"I don't!" He replied. "I have no idea what you are talking about."

There was a moment, about fifteen seconds, where nobody knew what to say.

Then Geoff's eyes widened in childish glee. "Oh my god..."

"What?" The group asked.

"HE IS A BUMMER!"

"Geoffrey!" Chinnery said, exasperated. "We've spoken about this, the children will be here soon and that language is not acceptable!"

"Soz about that."

Chinnery was about to leave, muttering something about a migraine, when Ollie interrupted.

"There's no time for that veterinary, the children are coming!" He exclaimed with his usual bravado. Whatever wave of nausea had overcome him clearly hadn't affected him much.

Pauline grabbed her box of pens, Geoff grabbed his coat, and Chinnery smoothed over his jumper, his usual yellow one.

"Places, everyone!" Ollie exclaimed. "The show is about to begin!"

Chapter Text

"Right, Stella, Alvin, you stand at that entrance." Ollie said, pointing. "And Harvey, Herr Lipp, over there please."

"At that entrance?" Herr Lipp asked, trotting over like a show pony.

"Yes, that entrance." Ollie said, rolling his eyes. "With Harvey."

"Excuse me?!" Said Harvey, sternly.

"You're excused." Ollie retorted. "Now get to your station before the kids get here."

"I don't think so, sonny jim." Harvey marched over to Ollie and grabbed him by the scruff of his rainbow, striped jumper. "I am the most experienced here and I think it only right that I am stationed at the front to keep everything in order." 

"Who put you in charge?" Ollie rasped in a higher pitch than normal.

"I could ask the same of you." Harvey tilted his head in a way that sent a cold shot down everyone's spines. Herr Lipp rushed over to try and help the situation. 

"You should be a couple!" He exclaimed.

"What?" Harvey and Ollie said in unison. 

"Be partners! I am happy as a single man and you both need a person to stop you from being, well, little schizers." 

Everyone in the room was shocked at his language but equally shared the sentiment. 

"I suppose we could attempt to work together." Harvey grunted reluctantly. 

Ollie sighed, "If I have to." 

"Vunderbar!" Herr Lipp exclaimed, clapping his hands together. "Now let us get into position and slay the house down boots!" 

"What the fuck is he on about?" Stella asked, already annoyed at the company that she found herself in. 

"I have no idea." Alvin said with a smile before opening the double doors. 

"Right, let's get this bloody exam over with." Pauline muttered.

She pushed open the door into the small classroom, humming to herself in an attempt to block out Ross muttering behind her. Then, she opened her eyes and...

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

"What?!" Ross shouted. "What's happened?!"

"No...no...no!" Pauline jabbered. "No! No! No!"

"Pauline, what on earth is going on?"

"R-Ross...there's no...there's only..."

Ross raised an eyebrow.

"It's all computers!" Pauline said, verging on a wail. "T-there's no p-pens! Only..."

"That's because these students are allowed a word processor." Ross simply said.

"You mean a computer!"

"Officially, they're classed as word processors."

"Oh come on Ross, you know what they are!" Pauline snapped. "I can't cope without my pens! It feels...wrong! I feel naked!"

"Well I'm glad you're not." Ross muttered. "But Pauline, do you want these people to fail?"

"Doesn't matter, does it?" She asked. "They'll all end up being dole scum. If they can't do something as simple as write, they'll never succeed in the world of work."

"Pauline, must you be so simple minded?"

"Me?!" Pauline asked. "Simple minded?!"

"Yes, a simple minded piece of-"

Pauline slumped into one of the seats, head in her hands, mascara running. "I can't cope, Ross! I can't cope! I can't cope!"

"Pauline-"

"Hold me, Ross."

"No thank you." He said bluntly. 

"Please, Ross! Hold me like you do on our Saturday nights." Pauline had risen from her chair and begun to move towards Ross. She tried to pull him into a warm embrace but he wasn't interested. "You've got to help me. You've got to get them to move me!" 

"Alright." Ross simply said. "Beg me." 

"What?" Pauline sniffled.

"You heard me." Ross pushed her away from him. "Beg. Me."

"Oh we're not playing this silly game anymore. I'm not going to beg you for anything." 

"Well then I guess you're stuck here, with me and the computers. And the 'dole scum'." 

Pauline was about to begin shouting at him when a head popped round the door. 

"Sorry, am I interrupting something?" Said a young girl.

"Yes you are actually. Very rude of you. Very rude, indeed." Pauline snapped. 

"No, you're not." Ross said sternly to the girl as he shoved Pauline away from him. "Come on in and find your seats, but remember that you need to keep silent once you're in here." 

Slowly but surely, the kids trickled into the room and sat down scattered amongst the computers.

Chinnery was writing on the board in neat, looping cursive, as if he'd planned for this moment his whole life. Geoff was pacing behind his back, despite having been asked to keep an eye on the door.

The board read:

AQA GCSE Physics Paper 1

Time allowed: 1hr 30min

Extra time: 1hr 45min

Exam start: 08:30am

Exam end: 10:00am

Extra time end time: 10:15am

And then, below a load of technical exam jargon Chinnery didn't quite understand:

Best of luck to you all! :)

- Mr. Chinnery and Mr. Tipps

Satisfied, he capped the pen, and stepped aside, leaving the board in full view for Geoff.

"What the fuck is that?"

"What on earth do you mean, Geoffrey?" Chinnery said with a slight smile in order to seem friendly in the inevitable argument about to incur. 

"An hour and forty five minutes! You're taking the piss if you think I'm sitting in here for that long."

"You have no choice, I'm afraid." He said. "A minimum of two people must be in the room, in order for there to be at least one person remaining in case something happens."

There was a pause.

"What do you mean, something happens?"

"Say, if someone falls ill, or if someone wants to nip to the loo halfway through the exam - that's quite probable; as a lad I had quite the nervous bladder during exam season, I must say." He chuckled. "Oh, or if we need extra stationery..."

He stopped.

"Hold on..."

"What?"

"Oh no, I know exactly what you're trying to do here!" Chinnery shot. "You're trying to leave, aren't you?"

"I dunno what you're talking about!"

"Oh yes you do, Geoff Tipps!" He fired. "You will stay the full hour and forty five minutes, alright?"

Geoff opened his mouth to complain, but a raised eyebrow from Chinnery stopped him in his tracks.

"Ugh, fine."

"Good." He said briskly, crossing towards the door. "Ah, they're here!"

"Who are?"

"The children, Geoff!" He said. "Now behave. We're setting an example here."

Geoff nodded, though his mind was elsewhere. Chinnery meanwhile opened the door to see a small group of faces - all betraying varying levels of nerves.

"Hello, everyone!" He smiled. "Here for the exam?"

There were a few nods.

"Well, let's get you all seated." He said brightly. "Tell me your names and I'll tell you where you're sitting. Hopefully you should be there for all your exams."

With his clipboard in hand and his smile everlasting, he set to work.

Geoff, as always, did nothing.

Herr Lipp was still in the middle of collecting phones when Ollie addressed the room. He was only halfway across, but if the group waited any longer the exam would surely run over.

"Right, hello everyone!" He said in the tone he usually reserved for his performances. "Welcome to your physics paper 1 exam!"

"Ja!" Herr Lipp exclaimed, clapping his hands together. "Alles klar!"

"Thank you, Herr Lipp." Ollie said through gritted teeth. "I'm Ollie Plimsolls of Legz Akimbo theatre company - you might've heard of us-"

"Oliver!" Harvey hissed. "Stop getting distracted for once, will you?"

Ollie gave Harvey a hard stare. Harvey gave one in return.

"Anyway, myself and my band of invigilators will be overseeing your exam today!"

Harvey stood forward. "Ignore Mr. Plimsolls' attempts at flattery children, for we are here to oversee and enforce the important rules the exam board has rightly set."

"Oh, how I love to enforce!" Herr Lipp interrupted again. "If you disobey, I vill be ze first to enforce myself upon you!"

"Don't worry, leibling, you don't have to worry about that." Harvey assured him. "Now, here are the rules: no phones, no watches, no looking at each other's papers, and definitely no talking."

He stared the whole room down. Some seemed unbothered. The nervous ones seemed to shrink.

"Got that?" He said. "No. Talking."

"Unless!" Ollie interrupted. "You need to ask us a question, in which case you should put your hand up, and one of us will come to you lickety split!"

Harvey began to explain the timings and such for the exam, as well as what to put on the paper. Ollie and Alvin listened intently, nodding along. Stella was only half there, wishing she was anywhere else. And Herr Lipp...

"Oh..." He muttered quietly to himself, shifting on his feet. "Oh my...my goodness..."

The majestic specimen taking up seat M5 wrote his details onto the front of his paper, completely oblivious.

"So, now I have made myself perfectly clear, any questions?"  Harvey asked the room.

"Nein." Lipp muttered dreamily. "None at all."

"Not you, Lipp!" Harvey snapped. "Now, the time is 08:30am, you have an hour and thirty minutes. You may begin."

"And good luck!" Ollie added.

Herr Lipp just nodded, heart fluttering.

"Now, if you would like to write anything on your papers, you do have a pencil case with two pens inside, along with pencils, a rubber, a ruler and a sharpener."

"I'd highly recommend using them, folks!" Pauline interjected. "Technology, as I have learned, is a fickle thing!"

"Sounds like someone I know." Ross muttered under his breath.

"Shut up, Ross."

"It's Mr. Gaines here, Miss Campbell-Jones."

Pauline rolled her eyes, disguising the slight intimidation Ross had driven into her.

"Remember to use your time wisely." Ross said. "Look over your paper again once you've finished, because you are all to stay here until your allocated time is over. As for those who have both extra time and..."

Pauline had stopped listening.

She hated this. She hated the complete lack of pen usage in the room. She hated these hormonal mini adults, who would probably all become another lot of dole scum for her to tolerate anyway. But what she hated most of all was being here, in this room, with Ross Gaines.

Ross bloody Gaines.

Of all the people in this damned village, it had to be him. The man who'd lost her a steady job, who'd had her begging on her knees for another chance, the one who'd defiled her against all the odds.

As strange as it was, she wanted him to do it again.

Or maybe, if he let her, for her to do it to him.

She could remember it a little too well. Against that table in his disgustingly pristine house, the way he had complete control over him...

She only wished she could have some of that control.

Mhmmmmm...

"Pauline!" Ross snapped. "Stand outside and gather yourself a little, will you please?"

Pauline hadn't even realised she'd been staring. She hadn't realised that she'd purred out loud, like she was a pedigreed animal, not an adult woman in her fifties. And now the students were staring.

She straightened.

"Certainly, Ross." She said, walking out of the room as if she hadn't just been having heinous thoughts about her colleague.

"I apologise." Ross said to the group. "Now, any questions?"

There was one - are these two bumming? - but nobody was in a hurry put their hand up.

"Perfect." He said. "In that case, you may begin. Good luck."

"Aha, right at the bottom! Tick!" Chinnery exclaimed, his smiling voice still easily intact. "So that means you, my love, are over there."

He pointed to the final empty chair, and he smiled at the group. "Full house. Perfect."

Geoff was sat in the chair sat at the front of the room, a large, blue spinning thing that he would sway in from time to time.

"You know what?" He said, still spinning. "You lot are F - U - K - T..."

"NO!" Chinnery interjected. "No! Don't complete that sentence!"

Geoff threw his hands up. "Alright! You're the boss..."

Chinnery let out a breath he didn't realise he was holding. This, he thought, was going to be a difficult two hours.

"Right." He said brightly. "So, the exam."

He began to explain everything, Geoff balancing a pen on his lip and threatening to make a few people laugh. Chinnery, though exasperated by his incompetent partner, smiled lightly.

"And as you know, most of you are eligible for extra time." He eventually said. "So about five minutes from the end, we'll do the rounds and you can let us know if you want to use it. Is that alright?"

A few nods.

"Good." He grinned, looking over the cohort. "So, if you have any questions let us know, and we'll be right over. The time is 08:30am, and you may now begin."

The sound of papers rustling filled the room, and Chinnery pulled out a chair from an unoccupied desk. He knew, deep down, that he probably should've made Geoff sit there instead, but it wasn't in his nature to be so forceful.

Geoff, completely oblivious, kept spinning in the chair. The wheels spun every now and then, and with all the noise and chaos of the morning thus far, Chinnery felt the whir of them drill into his skull.

Well, he thought, at least it's only an hour and forty five minutes.

It would be, he would soon find, the longest hour and forty five minutes of his life.

Chapter Text

There was complete quiet, vocally speaking, for about twenty minutes. Pens scribbled, pages turned, knees jogged nervously as the students tried to work out why on earth they'd learned about circuits for five years, just for it to not turn up on the paper.

Then Alvin sidled up to Stella.

"Hiya." He whispered with his signature grin. "They look like they're doing alright, don't they?"

Stella rolled her eyes so hard you could barely see the irises. "Yeah."

"You know, I remember when me and my Sunny did our exams." He smiled. "We were both so tired - did hospitality and catering you see, so we'd been revising all week - but afterwards, we went to the park! And we were laid in the grass, and she was looking at me all glassy eyed, and the next thing you know it, we're going at it in the grass!"

Stella felt a lump in her throat. She couldn't tell if it was Alvin's increasingly graphic storytelling, or something else. Something she didn't want to admit out loud.

"And she's taking me with all she's got, the grass tickling us good and proper, when the local bobby comes over all like, 'Oi, you two!'" He chuckled quietly.

Stella had stopped listening. She wanted Alvin to stop talking, and she wanted to go out and have another cigarette.

God, she needed another cigarette.

"You alright, Stella?"

"I would be, if you left me the fuck alone." Stella hissed. "You and your disgusting stories - I've heard enough about you and your Sunny for a lifetime."

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh."

"Alright then, I'll leave you alone I suppose." Alvin said. "If that's what you want."

"Yes." She said. "It is."

He nodded, dejected, and shuffled away, pretending to keep an eye on one of the nearby desks. Secretly though, he felt a pit in the bottom of his stomach.

This hadn't just been about the kids.

This was about connection.

He looked around at the others. Harvey was pacing at the front of the room, his gaze set firmly on the vast rows of desks. Ollie was flitting around, looking for a hesitant hand, or a flickering eye. Stella was still in her corner. And Herr Lipp...

What the hell was Herr Lipp doing?

He had stationed himself, unbeknown to everyone else, in the prime position for people watching. Or rather, person watching.

The mysterious creature sitting in seat M5 had caught his attention, and despite what he'd told himself - and his therapist - he'd already fallen hard.

In more ways than one.

Fuck.

He tried to divert his focus towards one of the other rows, which worked for about twenty seconds, with great effort. Then he turned on his heel and wandered towards the other side of the room, where Stella was. Still, he turned. So, he tried to make conversation.

"Stella, mein schnitzel-"

"Don't even think about it."

"Alright, alright, alles klar!" He said, speeding off in the other direction, trying to look as if he hadn't been hoping she'd reject him.

Back where he'd started, Herr Lipp lowered himself gently into a chair, crossing one leg over the other at first, but quickly reversing it when it felt too uncomfortable.

Curse his libido, he thought.

By the time anyone had noticed his fidgeting, he was sitting on his hands, eyes squeezed shut.

"Lipp!" Harvey snapped, striding over and hitting him round the back of the head. "Concentrate, man! Concentrate!"

Lipp flinched, noticing a few sets of eyes had fallen upon him. Including...

Oh no.

Him.

That divine thing...

That person, so captivating, yet unexplainable, like nostalgia or deja vu...

Like if he was Cinderella, and Lipp was...

He daren't even think it.

Prince Charming.

Curse his lust. He'd been meaning to avoid a hard on, not make it worse.

He'd just have to make a quick escape as soon as the exam was over, and take care of things...

Meanwhile, Harvey had stared - his eyes like daggers - in Herr Lipp's direction for an exact total of one minute thirty seven seconds. When doubly sure he was actually concentrating on the task at hand, and also that he wasn't going to stick his hand down his trousers right there in the middle of the exam hall, he continued his slow, agonising pace up and down the length of the hall, foot pivoting exactly fifteen inches from the wall whenever he turned.

This was his idea of bliss.

Quiet. Order. Complete perfection.

Maybe, he thought, he'd have to ask if he could deep clean the desks once the day was over.

That was, if Ollie didn't stop him. He'd probably insist on taking them all on a group activity of some kind. Or maybe - god forbid - to the theatre.

He looked over at Ollie, who was about to signal to Herr Lipp that he was taking someone to the toilet. Apart from hoping those toilets were immaculately cleaned, he hoped this current energy depleted sooner rather than later.

If only he had his wishing toad, he thought.

He wished, instead, on the toad tie around his neck, stroking each green blob nine times, like a mantra.

As he finished wishing on the last toad, he caught another glimpse at Herr Lipp.

He wished secretly for him too, just once, because god did he look like he was struggling.

What he needed was a good firm handshake with the governor of love.

Pauline had returned with only a little more dignity than she'd had when she'd left. However, she'd forced herself to stop thinking such complete and utter bollocks, and had quietly told the tiny Ross in her head to piss off, so she hoped her previous behaviour could be redeemed.

Now though, almost halfway through, she was struggling.

Not because of any desires she was trying to push down, in a Jekyll and Hyde sort of way, she realised. No, it was because of the sheer amount of typing.

The tap tap tap of the keyboards was, admittedly, quiet compared to what she'd first expected. But alas, it was still enough to drill into her skull. How far along were they now?

Forty five minutes.

Exactly halfway there.

She'd survived this long, so surely she could do it twice over?

Couldn't she?

A hand shot up. A lifeline.

"Are you alright, love?" Pauline asked, making her heart wince. She hadn't called anyone love since she'd last seen Mickey.

"Can I go to the toilet?"

"Of course you can, love." She said quickly, meeting Ross's gaze. "You will lose the time you take, you know that, don't you?"

A nod.

Something close to a smile flickered on Ross's lips, though it seemed more approval based than genuine happiness.

And so, despite the rage burning in her stomach like a shot of whiskey, she walked with the oblivious student out of the room and down the corridor, the quiet greeting them like an old friend.

Thank god.

The student slipped into the toilets, and Pauline sat herself on a bench nearby. She breathed, in and out, deeply.

Never before had silence felt so loud.

It was perfect.

"Go on then, don't be too long!" A voice chimed from in the near distance.

For god's sake.

Another student slipped past her, and Ollie breezed by, sitting beside her.

"Hello, Pauline!" He said, chipper as always. "How's the invigilating coming along?"

"Fine."

"And how's Ross handling it?"

"Fine."

"Are the students getting on okay?"

"They're fine, Ollie."

Ollie held his hands up. "Alright, alright! I think someone needs a coffee."

"It's not coffee I need, Ollie." Pauline muttered. "What I need is to be out of that bloody computer room!"

Ollie raised an eyebrow. "That's what this is about? You're getting in a tizz just because you don't like being in a room with computers?"

"That's exactly it."

"You confuse me, Pauline."

"You're not the only person who's told me that." Pauline said with a wink. "Once-"

"You know who else has been confusing me today?" Ollie asked. "Herr Lipp - he's been all...antsy. He can barely keep still."

"Tell me about it."

"I hope he's alright - god forbid he passes anything to the kids or, even worse, he falls ill! What on earth would we do then?!"

"I dunno, get Charlie in?"

"Charlie?!" Ollie gasped. "With Stella here? Pauline, are you mad?!"

"Well everyone else in the village has jobs." Pauline pointed out. "Charlie's redundancy came through last month, remember?"

Ollie swallowed hard. "Let's hope Herr Lipp isn't unwell then, or god help us all."

Pauline was about to make some comment about how Herr Lipp probably wouldn't be getting rickets at his age, when the student she was chaperoning finally reappeared.

"Right, come on then." She muttered. "Bloody dole scum."

She wandered off without saying goodbye to Ollie, who was now muttering ten seconds too late that rickets wasn't a viable condition for Herr Lipp to be squandered with.

Maybe they wouldn't need Charlie after all.

Thank god.

Chinnery had since taken the spinning chair from Geoff.

Now, he was sat there instead, secretly wishing he had some vet paperwork to be working on. He'd taken to doodling different dog breeds on a bit of paper he'd found - a poodle with fur like clouds, a dalmatian with never ending patterns of spots, a little chihuahua with pointed ears. He had Night Boat to Cairo playing on repeat in his head - Charlie had blasted it at full volume from the second floor of the house as he'd driven off with Stella and the others. He suspected, as a result, that it wasn't one of Stella's favourites.

As for Geoff...

He had taken one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs, and was now stood by the large whiteboard at the front of the room, doodling some far more explicit pictures of his own.

Let's just say, they're probably not suitable for print outside anatomical textbooks.

Chinnery looked up for the fifth time in three minutes, his eyes gazing over the cohort, before looking over at Geoff.

He gasped.

Then ran.

"Geoffrey!" He hissed like a disappointed mother. "What on earth do you think you're doing?!"

"Nothing."

"It doesn't look like nothing." He said. "Give me the pen."

"No."

"Geoff, give me the pen."

"No."

"Give me the-"

"AHHHHHHH FUCK!"

"GEOFF!"

The kids were looking at them now, completely distracted.

Geoff's hands flapped around his head, his screams never quieting. Eventually, he stumbled, and he collapsed onto the floor with a crash, the chair falling with him.

"Geoff, whatever is the matter?!" Chinnery asked. "Are you alright?"

"It's got me, chinners!" Geoff screamed. "IT'S GOT ME!"

"Stop being so vague, you stupid man!" He snapped, in a change to his normal calm demeanour. "What's got you?"

"Dunno, but it got me in the face!" Geoff said, breathless. "I want you to promise me chinners, that if I die, you remind everyone that I was with the TA's, and my comedy wasn't shit, and that I was always better than Mike ever was-"

"Geoff! You're not going to die; it's only a silly little moth."

"A moth?!"

"Yes, one of the bigger ones you don't see as often around here." Chinnery said. "Carry on with the exam everyone; I'll sort this out."

He helped Geoff up, who quickly began to mutter about curry night at spoons or some nonsense. Then he crossed over to the windowsill, where the moth had now settled.

"Hello, old fellow." He whispered. "Come along, let's get you outside."

The moth fluttered in the air for a few moments before landing gently on the vet's hand. He smiled down at it as if it were a precious gem, his finger gently touching the wings.

So far so good.

He opened the window a little further, a gust of cold air sending a shiver down his spine. His hand shook a little, and with barely any effort, the moth fell from Chinnery's hand onto the ground.

"Oh dear, oh dear..." He whispered softly again, barely able to make out the moth on the carpet. "Where have you got to, you silly thing?"

He took one step forward and...

SPLAT!

"Oh." He gasped. "Geoff!"

"What?" Geoff sighed, having stolen the spinning chair again.

"Come here for me, if you could."

"Why?" He asked, rolling over in the chair.

Chinnery lifted his foot. There, squashed beyond recognition, was the moth.

Dead.

"Oh dear!" Chinnery breathed, scooping the mangled insect in his cupped hands and placing it gently onto the windowsill. "I didn't mean to..."

He pressed a fist to his lips. "I really didn't, Geoff!"

"It's alright Dr. Dolittle, I know you didn't." Geoff assured him. "It's just a moth."

"I think I need to sit down." Chinnery said hoarsely, collapsing into a chair. He saw the doodles he'd done earlier and pushed them aside, burying his face into his hands. "Geoff?"

"Yeah?"

"How much longer do the children have?"

Geoff checked his watch. "Er...twenty minutes."

Chinnery groaned.

"With fifteen minutes extra time."

He groaned louder.

"Hey, don't you start complaining, veterinary!" Geoff snapped. "At least you're not missing curry night at spoons for this!"

Chinnery felt close to crying. "No, I suppose not."

"I bet Mike and Brian order without me!" Geoff muttered. "The rotters..."

Chinnery didn't hear the rest; his head dropped to the table, hands still pressed to his eyes, wishing that he'd never agreed to this at all.

Even outside the practice, the Chinnery curse held true - and if that was the case, what was the point? None, surely?

"And so I'm all like you know I've got this gun! And everyone else..."

Apart from keeping Geoff out of trouble.

Chapter Text

By the time Harvey had boomed out the five minute warning, with Ollie quickly following, desperate not to be outdone, Herr Lipp was struggling.

Well, he'd been struggling pretty much since he'd set foot in the room, but for the last half an hour, he'd felt like a tightly packed bratwurst.

Well, it was true, in his humble opinion, that just one bite of bratwurst was an orgasmic experience in itself.

But it was safe to say, like with the first bite of any good bratwurst, that the thrill would only come when he was able to tend to the ache inside.

This ache, however, was not in his stomach.

This was an entirely different kind of hunger.

He crossed one leg over the other, hands gripping his thighs.

If only it was his hands...

"Nein!" Lipp whispered angrily to himself. "Such thoughts..."

But those hands...

Those beautiful hands...

He twitched, in more places than he would've liked. God, he needed this to be over. But not without finding out the boy's name. Or else, it really would become some kind of mismatched, gender swapped, twisted Cinderella story.

"Ladies and gentlemen, you'll be either pleased or terrified to know that your exam is over!" Ollie exclaimed.

"Please stop writing." Harvey said firmly. "We will now collect your papers to ensure no cheating can take place."

Ollie, Harvey, Stella and Alvin began to go up and down the rows of mildly traumatised children, collecting their papers. Stella was about to walk down row M when she saw a hand - shaking slightly - sneak past her.

"Oi, what do you think you're doing?!" She said, snapping her head round. "What've you got that for?!"

Lipp, most likely seconds away from being punched in the throat, scanned the front page at a speed similar to whenever he was trying to get out of marking his German students' homework assignments back in Duisburg, when he was young and horny and had better things to do than his job.

There, right at the top, he saw it.

Nick Woodgate.

Perfect.

And faster than you could say pickety witch, he had the paper placed in Stella's pile.

"Bloody hell, they can really pick 'em." Stella muttered.

Alvin meanwhile was handing out the phones, which Lipp had haphazardly organised earlier. He was still disheartened from his earlier conversation with Stella, but he tried not to let it show on his face. He didn't want to be the one who cried in the exam hall - for the students, it was probably fair enough, but for a man in his forties with a nymphomaniac for a wife...

God, he wished he wasn't so timid.

But at least he wasn't Ollie, who seemed to demand attention that never came.

And at least he wasn't Herr Lipp, who was itching like a madman.

"Right, now that's all done and dusted, you may leave!" Ollie said with a smile as Herr Lipp and Harvey opened the doors. "Bye all!"

"I think I vill leave also." Lipp whispered to an unhearing crowd. "For it is now that I shall make my quick escape..."

And with that, he was gone.

"And your time is up." Ross announced to the room. 

"Yes!" Pauline yelled accidentally. She had been slumped in the spinning chair with a face like a slapped arse. 

"Right everyone, make sure to save all your work and then you can leave." Ross said, flatly, "and don't forget to pick up your phones on the way out."

All the students left the classroom one by one and Ross started going round the computers and collecting the papers onto a USB stick. 

"Wait a minute, wait a minute!" Pauline exclaimed, "How do they mark 'em?" 

"You what?" 

"Well, back in my day it were all on paper so that meant they used pens but it's all on computers so do they have some kind of computerised magic pen that can write on computers?" 

"No, you idiot." Ross said with a chuckle, "They just press a button." 

"A... a button?" Pauline murmured, disheartened. 

"Yes, a button. One for correct and one for incorrect. They can type notes onto it if they need to but-" 

"So you're telling me that there's no pen usage whatsoever?" Pauline asked.

"Well... no. Sorry." Ross said, indifferent, "Now I need to take this drive back to the main hall. Can you finish up here?" 

"Yeah." Pauline mumbled, "Yeah, that's fine." 

But it wasn't fine. As she watched Ross scurry away, she had the horrific realisation that pen usage was unfortunately depleting. She sniffled a little before rushing to the loo to 'powder her nose'.

When she finally re-emerged from the toilets, she heard a familiar voice echoing down the hallway.

"Those little bastards don't know what's gonna hit 'em when they go out into the real world. It's all sunshine and lollipops now, but when they realise the horrors of parallel parking...Jesus Christ on a bike."

"Bernice?"

The figure turned. "Pauline?"

"What are you doin' here?" Pauline asked, incredulous. 

"Oh, just teaching the children the truth of the horrors of reality. Normal stuff. Why are you here?" 

"I'm invigilating the year 11 exams. Just something to do instead of being sat on my tod waiting for tots tv to come on." 

"Oh, sounds..."

"Like hell?" Pauline asked. "Yeah, I know."

"I always knew you were a good egg, Pauline." Bernice winked. "You get it. You're not like the rest of 'em."

"Yes, I didn't aim too high." Pauline said. "Didn't want to go any further than this."

"Me neither." Bernice said. "I only did this so I didn't have to move."

"They're all under the assumption that they're going to be doctors, dentists, vets..."

"Please don't mention vets." Bernice muttered. "Bloody curses..."

"Besides, I'm just happy with my pens." Pauline said. "I don't need anything more than that to be happy, not really."

Bernice's tight lipped stare quickly softened to something almost soft. "Oh, pet..."

"What?" Pauline asked. "Are you questioning me and my pens?"

"No, no! Never; I can't survive without cigarettes and alcohol." She assured her. "I'm just saying, that doesn't define your happiness, love."

"But people have never given me anything."

"Not anything worthwhile, sweetheart." Bernice said. "You'll find your woman, I promise."

She reached out, and placed a hand on Pauline's cheek. "You'll be alright, pet. I'll make sure of that."

And with a swish, she was walking away.

"But Bernice, how?" Pauline called after her. "When?!"

"Whenever god wills it." Bernice said. "I have divine power on my side."

Pauline didn't speak for a moment, her heart beating abnormally fast. Then, as if her heart had frosted over all over again in the space of fifteen seconds, she muttered.

"Like fuck you have."

Steeling herself, she finally moved, quickly turning off the light on her way past the classroom.

She moved through the corridors towards the hall, stopping suddenly at a room just around the corner from it. Inside, came the sounds of sniffling.

And there, in amongst a room of upturned chairs and papers scattered around, were Geoff and Chinnery

Geoff slowly went round the room collecting the papers into a messy bundle. Chinnery was completely incapacitated in the corner of the room. He slung the papers onto the front desk and pulled up chair. 

"What's the matter wi' you?" Geoff asked, reading the room completely wrong. 

"Oh it's nothing. Just..." He could barely get the words out. "It's just that moth. I can't believe that even the smallest of creatures is susceptible to the curse."

"What curse? Curses don't exist, you daft twat!" Geoff said, laughing a little. "Unless this is joke. It's a joke in't it. I know a good joke. Have I told you the one about the mau mau?" 

"I’m not telling a bloody joke, Geoffrey!" Chinnery snapped.

"Alright! Keep your knickers on."

"I'm sorry. I just can't stop hurting these poor animals. I mean, I'm meant to be a veterinary for god's sake. What good am I to anyone if I can't even do my job?" Chinnery began to sob into his hands, sniffling.

"What you doin'?" Geoff asked, panicking a little. "We didn't cover emotional distress in the TAs. I can tie a good knot though, with a few tries."

"It doesn't matter anyway" Chinnery said helplessly.

"Well, hey, listen, it's not as bad as it has been. This was just a moth. Do you remember the incident at Mr Tinsel's farm? Monica the cow?"

"How do you know about that?" 

"Me and the lads heard about it from that toad fella. He was ranting and raging about how you should have listened to Chloe and Radcliffe and that they could have done a better job with their eyes closed and-"

"Jesus Christ man! Can't you see that I need space and time," Chinnery exclaimed, "not you telling me times that I was even more of a failure. Now go and take those papers to Ollie and Harvey in the main hall. I'll be there in a minute." 

"Alright, alright. Cool your beans mate. It were only a joke." 

Geoff grabbed the mess of test papers and stomped down the corridor. 

"Come on Matthew, pull yourself together." Chinnery wiped his eyes, took a deep breath and stood up ready to leave. He had only taken one step before realising that he should not have trusted Geoff with those papers. There was a perfect trail of exams leading all the way from the room to the main hall. 

"Oh Geoffrey." He sighed before making his way down the corridor, collecting the exams as he went.

When he eventually returned with the papers, Harvey was waiting, foot tapping.

"Ah, there you are!" Harvey boomed. "Give me those! Your colleague is completely incompetent, I must say."

"Geoff?" Chinnery asked. "Yes, he's not the sharpest tool in the shed, I agree."

"I was in the TA's you know, Harvey!"

"Well I'm afraid that isn't relevant to invigilating, Geoffrey." Harvey said.

"Right, is that all the papers?" Ollie interrupted. "Because if so, we can leave!"

"They'd better not be, Charlie's probably on the front topless sorting his bloody bike out!"

"Ooh that's just like my Sunny," Alvin started, "always getting her hands dirty, in one way or another." He smirked. "Now as I say-" 

"Do you not know how to shut your big fat pie hole!" Stella yelled, "I swear to fuck if another word come out of your mouth I will single handedly-"

"Right well I think that enough out of you all for now," Ollie interrupted, "you can all go home now but I would just like to mention that my theatre group, legz akimbo, are actually performing one of our newest plays at 'the masons arms: community theatre night' tonight and I would like to personally invite you all to see it."

"Well, what is it about Ollie?" Chinnery asked. 

"It is about homosexuality and acceptance, written, directed and produced by me and it’s called 'everybody out!'" 

"Ooh that sounds like a real good treat! Mmm!" Herr Lipp said, emerging from the toilets and wimping his hands down his jacket. 

"Where have you been?" Ross asked. 

"I was just playing a little five-on-one with the boys." He purred. 

"Well anyway, who's up for it?" Ollie asked, hopefully.

"I'm not." Stella said bluntly.

"Me neither." Said Ross.

"I'm going down Shebabs with Mike and Brian for curry night and I don't wanna miss out on me weekly vindaloo." Geoff grunted before grabbing his coat and walking out.

Three down, five to go.

"I'm not interested in theatre, Oliver," Harvey proclaimed, "and anyway I have been meaning to ask Mr Chinnery if he might have a look at one of my toads."

"Yes, of course, Mr Denton." Chinnery replied, "Sorry Ollie." 

The two walked out together, Harvey briefing him on the intricacies of the toad's condition. 

"I've got to get back to the Windermere before Sunny blows her helmet. It's mouth to mouth monday tonight and it's my job to set up for it." Alvin smiled a little by way of an apology.

"I'd best be off too, those pens won't clean themselves." Pauline grabbed her bag and left. 

There was only one person left. 

"Lipp?" Ollie asked hopefully.

"I am apologise but I have a thing or two to take care of back home. I'm making dinner for me and Justin so it's gonna be an extra special treat, Ja?" 

Herr Lipp swayed out but Ollie was not far behind. They reached the car park and everyone was getting ready to leave. 

"Well look at the state of you all!" Ollie yelled, "I was trying to broaden your horizons, give you a bit of fucking perspective in life but no! You want to shit all over my dreams and stay tucked away in your sad little town! I didn't even want this job in the first place! I only took it because I need to fund my next show 'vegetable soup' that we're performing in October at the Salmon of Knowledge down in London! A hundred miles better than this place! We just need a wheelchair for Phil so he can truly play the part of a person with polio! See! This is why I do this! To bring attention to issues and problems and things that society seem to delicate to talk about! But noOoOo! You don't care about anyone's issues but your own so just piss off you fucking bastard pieces of shit!" 

"Are you alright, Ollie?" Chinnery asked, genuinely concerned. 

"I'm fine!" Ollie seethed. 

The Legz Akimbo van pulled up two minutes too late and Phil stuck his head out of the window. 

"Come on Ollie, we need to get a move on if you want to do those acting exercises before the big show." 

"Alright, I'm coming. I'm coming." Ollie scurried to the van and slammed the door. 

"Poor chap." Chinnery said, shaking his head.

"Oh shut up and come and help me with my blasted toads." Harvey hissed back at him. 

And as Chinnery followed him, looking briefly over his shoulder at Ollie, he frowned. He was right - it was a shit little town. But to leave? How could one do such a thing?

He swallowed hard, and as he walked, he swore he saw a moth flit past him.

Shit little town indeed.

Chapter Text

"Now, you don't mind if I drop you off last, do you Stella?" Chinnery asked, bundling his motley crew into his car. "Only, my house is only a little away from you and Charlie, and I need to get my vet bag; I'm due at the Dentons' in an hour."

"Go right ahead, anything to keep me away from him for a bit longer." Stella said. "I swear if he's wearing those denim shorts..."

"Denim shorts?" Herr Lipp asked on the other end. "Are they...tight?"

"Like a Cumberland sausage."

"I love a man with a...firm package." He winked.

"Bloody hell, if you're that desperate Lipp, you can bleeding have him!"

"Nein, nein; I have ze smaller fish to fry."

"Don't you mean bigger fish to fry?" Geoff asked.

"No, definitely smaller."

"Right-o, to the Windermere we go!" Chinnery said with a smile.

"Pub's just down from there, drop me off as well, will ya?" Geoff asked.

"Of course, of course!"

And so they drove, the whole affair being much quieter than before, probably from the exhaustion of the day, as well as Chinnery's attempts to ready himself for his visit to the Dentons'.

When they got there, Sunny was waiting with a frown. Chinnery smiled awkwardly, but Alvin didn't wince.

"It's alright, she's like this on mouth to mouth Mondays." He assured him. "Bye, all!"

Lipp waved, and Chinnery gave him a goodbye, but Stella simply lit another cigarette. Geoff, meanwhile, was already taking off his seatbelt.

As they drove away, Alvin smiled at his wife. "Hello love, home is the hunter!"

"Get inside, you bastard!" Sunny hissed, giving him a firm slap on the arm. "Late again, I swear you're out to ruin me!"

"My love-"

"Shut up."

Chinnery only had to drive for another minute or so before the huge glowing sign for Shebabs met him, Brian and Mike already visible inside.

"Cheers chinners, you're a bloody lifesaver, you are!" Geoff grinned. "Same time tomorrow, yeah?"

He gave the vet a hard slap on the shoulder. Chinnery winced.

"Yes, same time tomorrow."

"Fab!" He exclaimed. "See ya, chinners!"

And he was gone, whistling some forgotten hit from the eighties - maybe Squeeze, maybe Housemartins, he wasn't quite sure which.

"Now, just you two to go." Chinnery said passively.

"Matthew, my sweet vet, you seem tense." Lipp purred. "Do you need some...affection?"

Chinnery flushed. "No, just stressed."

"Did Geoff scare you, chinners?" Stella asked. "He's just a nasty wart, don't fret."

"It's not just that." Chinnery said. "It's...I can't say it out loud, not here."

"Why ever not?" Lipp asked. "You can tell us, meine Schöne."

My love. That, again, made Chinnery wince.

"Because I fear I might start crying if I say it out loud."

"Bloody hell, you're a right soft touch, you are!" Stella sighed.

"Don't worry - I like them soft." Lipp winked. "Ah, we have made our arrival!"

"Yes." Chimney said. "Goodbye, Lipp."

And without even listening to the German's reply, he drove off, leaving him in the dust.

"Don't let him get to you, chinners." Stella said. "If you're not a bender just tell him that."

Chinnery didn't answer, just gave an awkward cough. He just stared straight ahead, trying not to cry. Harvey would surely notice.

When they got to Stella's house, Charlie was exactly where she'd predicted - out on the front, fixing the chain on his bike. He was topless, but luckily, the little denim shorts were nowhere to be seen.

He was singing House of Fun by Madness, yet another one of his favourite songs.

"I'm up to date and the date's today so if you'll serve I'll be on my way...I wish I was on a bloody date, but hey ho."

"Afternoon, Charlie!"

Charlie nearly dropped the bike chain he was holding. "Jesus Christ!"

Stella barked out a laugh. "Oops, butterfingers! Can't even fix a bike, can you?"

"Sod off." Charlie said. "I'm not letting you spoil my good mood. Not today."

"I am sorry, Charlie." Chinnery fussed. "I didn't mean to startle you."

"Ey, you're alright, chinners!"

"Are you sure-"

"Yeah, yeah!" Charlie said. "I've had worse happen."

He stared straight at Stella.

"Can't stop to chat, I'm afraid." Chinnery said apologetically. "Got an appointment at the Dentons' shortly."

"Bloody hell, good luck then." Charlie said with a low whistle. "You know what toad faced Denton's like."

"Don't let him hear you say that." Stella hissed. "We've got to work with him for the next god knows how long."

"I was only joking, Stella!"

"Tell that to your face!" She snapped, stepping out of the car and walking straight past him.

"See you tomorrow morning, Stella!" Chinnery called sweetly.

Stella simply flipped him off, slamming the front door behind her.

"Oh dear..."

"Don't fret, Matt." Charlie assured him. "She's always like this. She was like it before she left her job."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah, yeah." Charlie said. "I'll be fine, don't you let your pretty little heart give out over me."

Chinnery flushed. "Well, I suppose I'll leave you be."

"You don't have to." He stopped him. "We can sit and chat if you want, I have a few cans of Stella in the fridge, and it's probably better than dealing with the real Stella upstairs."

"I would love to, you know I would, but..."

"The Dentons." Charlie said. "Right, sorry."

"It's quite alright." Chinnery said. "Well, bye then, I suppose."

"See you around, chinners." Charlie smiled. "Don't let those toads give you warts!"

He chuckled. "I'll certainly try."

And as Charlie reached into his pocket for a cigarette, his bike parts forgotten for the evening, Chinnery felt a small heat crawl up his neck. Maybe he could help Harvey's toads; Charlie would definitely want him to try.

Geoff grinned as a massive plate of vindaloo was placed in front of him, watching as a decent looking tikka masala - Mike's - and a measly looking korma - Brian's - were placed in front of his friends.

They had ordered without him, just as he'd predicted, but luckily, they'd ordered his usual favourite along with it, so he decided he could let them off just this once.

"A korma?!" Geoff exclaimed, "Come on Brian, that's a boy's curry, not a man's!"

"Well I'm quite fine with it, thank you." Brian said, brushing off the comment. 

"No, I'm serious. You should try some of my vindaloo!" 

"No, I'm alright, thanks Geoff." 

"Try it Brian!"

"No." 

"Try it?"

"No!"

"Please..."

"No, thank you, Geoff." 

Geoff sobbed loudly and the people of the restaurant began turning heads. 

"Why won't he try my vindaloo, Mike?" Geoff asked, helplessly.

"I don't know, Geoff." Mike sighed with an air of annoyance. 

There was a moment of silence where only the faint sobs and sniffles from Geoff could be heard. 

"YOU KNOW I'VE GOT THIS GUN, DON'T YA!" Geoff yelled, ripping a pistol from his pocket and flailing it erratically towards Brian.

"Now you'd better eat a bite of my fucking curry or... or... Mike gets it!" Geoff grabbed Mike around the neck and held the gun to his head. A click was heard and Brian knew what he had to do. 

He grabbed a spare fork from the table and slowly plunged it into the vindaloo. The whole place watched with bated breath as he put the fork into his mouth and took the bite. His face began to go pink, then red, then tomato. He was sweating like mad, barely able to chew. He swallowed. Everyone was silent. 

"So?" Geoff asked.

"It's not bad." Brian sputtered.

"See, I told you it was good." Geoff said with a smile. He de-cocked the gun, shoved it into his pocket and began to tuck in.

"Geoff?" Brian asked with extreme caution. "Don't you sometimes find it... well... a bit too spicy?"

"No! I barely feel anything. You're just too weak to take it." 

"Alright then." Mike said. "Prove it." 

"You what?" Geoff asked, half intrigued, half terrified.

"Prove it." Mike reiterated. "Eat it all without flinching." 

"Yeah. Yeah alright." Geoff said, gearing himself up. 

He gripped his fork with incredible determination and tucked in. Pile after pile after pile was shovelled into his mouth, his face slowly turning to a colour not dissimilar to a beetroot. Sweat was streaming from his head, eyes and nose running like rivers down his face. One final scrape round the dish and it was finished. Geoff had done it. He fell back into his chair, barely conscious.

"Geoff?" Mike asked, tentatively. "Do you need me to call someone?" 

Suddenly, Geoff snapped upright.

"What are you talking about? I'm absolutely fine." Geoff said, with a laugh. "Can we get another round of drinks in though because I'm absolutely gasping after that." 

"Yeah." Brian said, still not over the vindaloo. 

"Yes Geoff. Get 'em in." Mike said, now tucking into his chicken tikka masala. 

"Oi! Three Bluebirds!" 

"Hello, Herr Lipp, may I just peek in a moment?" Roberta called from the hallway.

"Ja, come in!" Lipp replied, having just changed into his silky pink pyjamas, numerous koi carp paused mid swim all over them.

He'd never taken to calling her Bobbi. If felt too...

Male.

The door creaked open, and in Roberta came, though she lingered at the threshold. Lipp had to admit, she was very good at giving her guests privacy. It even extended to her own son at times - Justin, oh Justin, his very own Justin - which had helped in his...desires, at times.

But that was in the past now. All that he could think about was Nick Woodgate.

"Now, I'm heading off to bed." Roberta said. "I've locked up, so you can pop off whenever you like."

Lipp held back a smirk. "Alles klar."

"You'll be alright, won't you?"

"Ja, of course!" He said sweetly. "I won't be awake much longer anywho; ze children, zey are calling to me."

Roberta snorted. "Oh Lipp, you are a riot sometimes!"

"I try."

"Well then, I'll leave you to it." She said with a smile. "Goodnight."

"Guten nacht, schatz."

She was just about to close the door, when she did a double take. "Oh, and Lipp?"

"Ja?"

"I love these pyjamas." She said. "They're very...you."

"Vielen dank!"

And then, with a soft click, the door closed for what would be the final time that night. Herr Lipp listened as her footsteps quieted, and grinned a vicious grin.

It was time to pack.

He grabbed his bag, now emptied of its usual contents, and climbed up onto his bed, where he found two boxes on top of the wardrobe, mostly untouched.

Inside them, was everything he was going to need.

After making doubly sure Roberta and Justin were asleep, he pulled the lids off the boxes, and clasped his hands together in delight.

He grabbed a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs, his absolute favourite pair for bondage, and stroked them, feeling a familiar, twisted delight at the way the metal jingled in his hands.

This would not do for walking, however. The sound would have to be temporarily muffled. He wanted to sob at the thought, but he scolded himself staunchly; only temporarily.

He found one of his silk scarves, a favourite of his, and placed the handcuffs in it, wrapping them like some precious gift. They would be, once in use.

Into the bag they went, and Lipp turned to his boxes again. In this time, Streusel, his Persian cat, sat on his lap, purring.

"Mein leibling," He smiled. "We're going to be a great success, me and you. I vill find my boy, and we vill disappear to Duisburg, where we can be kings. You, my pretty little thing, will be our sweet princess."

Streusel meowed.

"Does my sweet princess approve of a little bondage, hmm?"

Another meow, a little less patient now.

"I'll come to bed once I've finished, madam." He chuckled. "You're just like Lotte."

This seemed to offend the cat, who jumped onto the bed. Lipp sighed, returning to his task.

"Now, what else do I pick?" He asked the empty room. "Vat will give him the most...pleasure?"

He picked up a few different sex toys, all of them favourites from his many sexual experiences, and in they went, prepared. He stood up then, and darted around for a few other things - mostly oral, in case the option for a blowjob came up. From looking, Nick looked like he held a good load.

But then, an awful thought occurred to Lipp, one that he hadn't dared picture - what if there was a struggle? What if Nick didn't reciprocate? What if he told?

He needed a spade.

And rope. And duct tape. Plastic bags. Sleeping pills. Coffee.

Duisburg coffee.

He could get the coffee from the shop and the pills from the chemist, and the rest would be in the house somewhere. He made a list of the things to buy, and snuck out of his room to find the things to pack.

Spade? In the shed - check.

Rope? Stolen from some awful ornamental wreath with starfish on it - check.

Duct tape? In the drawer - check.

Pills, chemist. Coffee, shop. Tomorrow. Three fifteen precisely.

Besides, he wouldn't need those, not yet. He wasn't James Bond - at school tomorrow, he was simply going to flirt, get on his good side. If sex came, great - if not, the coffee was his last option.

The coffee was always the last option.

Right, for now, that was everything. So, he placed the lids on the boxes, placed them carefully back on top of the wardrobe, and placed his bag inside the wardrobe, where he would find it in the morning.

It was only when he was sure it was hidden behind a three piece suit of his that he climbed into bed, Streusel joining him.

Lipp stroked her fur, grinning.

"Nick Woodgate." He whispered. "Tomorrow, he shall realise how good it is to get a taste of Lipp."

He curled into bed, turned off the lamp, and closed his eyes.

"Until tomorrow, my sweet prince."

The curtains hadn't been closed as the sun set over Royston Vasey. That was all the rest of the street needed to know that Stella and Charlie were about to go at it again.

"Stella!" Charlie shouted. "Did you give my curry to the dog next door? It's got the runs again!"

"Yeah I did!"

"Why?!" Charlie shouted. "I made that for you so you wouldn't have to bother after work!"

"You really think I'd eat your disgusting slop?!" Stella replied from upstairs. "It probably looks more edible now it's come out of that dog!"

"Cheers for that!"

"You're welcome!" She said with mock sweetness.

"What are you even doing up there, anyway?!" Charlie asked. "It doesn't sound like you're resting!"

"I'm having a cig, Charlie, alright?!" Stella snapped. "You don't have to interrogate everything I do!"

"Well after Tony-"

"Don't start."

"Stella-"

"Don't. Start."

Charlie fumed. "You know what Stella, I will fucking start!"

He stormed up the stairs, two at a time, stubbing his toe on the last one.

"OW! YOU FUCKING BASTARD!"

Stella cackled. "Bleedin' hell! Can't even start a fight without fucking something up, can you?"

"You're not going to stop me that easily." Charlie hissed through gritted teeth. "Not now that you've set me off."

And they were off.

Once it started, there was no stopping it. This was their sport, their sex, their Sunday service. And tonight, they were going for broke.

"Go on then, say whatever bollocks is itching your brain this time!" Stella shouted. "That is, if there's even anything in there to scratch!"

"I see how it is - same old insults!" Charlie chided. "That's your default, isn't it? Because you know everything I say about you is true!"

"I say what I say because it is true, Charlie!" Stella fumed. "Now go on, say your piece!"

"This is exactly the point; I've been trying Stella! It's not my fault the job went bust, and it's not my fault the redundancy happened, but it is my fault that you've been leaving the house with lunch and coming home with tea in the oven!" He raged. "I've been trying to make things better, Stella! We need to try and find something - some common ground, something real!"

"This is all just a phase." Stella said, her voice lowering to a dangerous kind of calm. "A 'make Stella happy phase' I can tell. By the end of the month, I'll be making my own lunch, and my own tea, and you'll be sat on your big fat arse all day, watching utter shit about darts and bikes and bloody Rotherham United!"

"Don't you start on them!"

"They're utter shit, Charlie!"

"Don't you listen to her." He whispered to his rumpled shirt. "She's just a bitch who doesn't know what's good for her."

He looked straight up at her, and her eyes glazed with anger.

"Well, you're a bastard." She uttered. "A complete and utter bastard!"

"I've heard it before." Charlie said. "I've heard it all before!"

"Yeah, I bet Julie has as well!" Stella argued. "Julie!"

Charlie stopped dead in his tracks.

"Oh, Stella..."

"Don't get sympathetic with me, Charlie Hull!" Stella raged. "She's probably crying upstairs because of us!"

"Stella..."

"I'M GOING UPSTAIRS TO CHECK ON JULIE!"

"NO YOU'RE FUCKING NOT!"

"Charlie, please, just let me check on Julie!"

And just like that, despite the fact she'd probably never admit it to anyone outside that house, Stella Hull began to cry.

But Charlie couldn't stop himself.

"This is just your problem, Stella! You can't face the truth! Julie is dead, Stella! Dead! As a doornail! On a post in the bleedin' Pacific Ocean! You couldn't save her then, and you can't save her now!" Charlie shouted. "And Tony! You won't admit to that, either! But I know, Stella! I know! And these arguments we have - they aren't about curry, or cigarettes, or Rotherham fucking United! They're about us! And that's exactly why I don't bloody bother anymore!"

Charlie hadn't realised he was crying too until he felt a tear, like an icy river, slide down his cheek and off his chin.

"I still love you Stella, but we just don't talk." He choked out. "We haven't talked all day since you got back from that bleedin' exam job. And not about food, or alarms - about how our days have been."

Stella's face was still streaked with tears. "I love you too, Charlie, but you make it so fucking hard."

And with that, she collapsed into his arms, and they were both sobbing like two little kids, their tears like rain, their heads aching, their hearts torn but not yet beyond repair.

"Oh Charlie..." Stella sniffed. "What do we do now?"

"Go to bed." Charlie mumbled into her hair. "Let's just go to bed."

And they did just that. Hand in hand, heart in heart.

Chapter Text

The next morning the carpool was much quieter. There was tension in the air. No one wanted to speak. Not even Alvin, which was incredibly strange. There was one sound however: the swishing sound of fabric. Finally, Herr Lipp broke the silence. 

"What is that vibrating I can feel?" 

"Sorry mate, that might be me." Geoff said, unsettlingly happy. "Got a bit too much energy, you know." He started trying to keep control of his leg. 

"Well, don't stop for me, herzchen." Lipp said with a smirk. 

That made Geoff seize up more than a prune in August.

Stella meanwhile was simply chain smoking beside them. She looked like she hadn't slept, but nobody dared ask her about it; she'd rebuffed their efforts now too many times. They'd all noticed one thing however - she didn't have any lunch.

Their arrival, too, was far less chaotic than the day before. Ollie wasn't waiting for them, and when they entered, Harvey didn't greet them with his booming voice. In fact, he avoided their gazes altogether.

But when he saw Chinnery, he left the room almost immediately. It was quick, almost too quick - the only reason anyone noticed was because Chinnery muttered quietly to himself.

"Oh dear, oh dear..."

Chinnery wasn't allowed to wallow in this moment as he was pushed out of the way and stumbled to catch himself. 

"OI OI WANKERS!" Geoff exclaimed, entering the room to piercing silence. "I said-"

"Yeah, we heard what you bloody well said," Pauline snapped, "you can just shut your big fat pie hole!" 

"Alright...! Don't get your knickers in a twist." 

"My knickers are no concern of yours!" Pauline said before turning back to the board she was writing on. 

Geoff huffed and puffed. "So is no-one gonna ask me what happened last night?"

"No." Ross simply said. 

"Well I'm gonna tell you anyway!" Geoff proclaimed, whilst unbuttoning his shirt. "I. AM. THE CURRY KINGGGGG!" He opened his shirt to reveal a badly made custom t-shirt that read 'curry king' in big red lettering. "Bow down to me you korma-eating peasants! I finished the Shebabs Indian supercharger special in under 30 minutes and now I have my picture on a wall so suck it you miserable cunts!"

Geoff walked off then, muttering about how all the kids were going to know who the curry king was by the end of the day.

Meanwhile, Ollie was stood off to the side, grumbling. "Bloody show...bloody actors...bloody theatre..."

"Ollie?"

It was Chinnery.

"Oh, for god's sake..." Ollie muttered. "What is it?"

"I...I really need to talk to you about something. Please. Last night was just plain awful - I went to the Dentons-"

"Oh my god, I completely understand you!" Ollie interrupted. "Last night was hellish for me as well! The show was awful - the audience were so uncooperative, Phil kept forgetting his lines, and Dave was corpsing all over the shop-"

"Me too!"

And with that, Chinnery burst into tears, sobs muffled by his hands.

"Bloody hell..." Ollie sighed. "Nobody around here understands good theatre!"

"I believe I understand the nature of performance." Here Lipp said with a slimy smile.

"Lipp, please get away from me."

"Alles klar." He said. "But Matthew, my sweet vet, whatever is the matter with you? Come, come, we must talk!"

"I had the most horrible evening last night, Herr Lipp!" Chinnery cried. "And I don't know what to do with myself! It's so awful, I daren't say it..."

"Liebling, you know you can tell me anything." Lipp said, though his voice sounded sinister.

"I can't." He whispered. "I just...can't."

Lipp had since fished out a rather crumpled tissue from his pocket and was dabbing at Chinnery's eyes like no tomorrow.

"You vill be fine!" He assured him. "You should've come and spent the evening with me, I spent mine in much calmer circumstances."

"And what would those be?"

"I vas planning."

"For what?" Chinnery asked, still sniffling.

Lipp sighed dreamily. "The rest of our lives..."

"What do you mean, our?"

Before Lipp could answer, Harvey strode back into the room, suspiciously calm but still avoiding Chinnery's gaze. The poor vet felt his eyes fill all over again.

Ollie was still brooding in the corner, and with Harvey seemingly radio silent, it quickly fell to one person to try and take charge...

Pauline.

"Hokey cokey pig in a pokey!" She exclaimed. "Nobody else is taking charge, so I will! Now we're all reassembled-"

She was quickly mistaken - Chinnery rushed past her, one hand brushing a tear from his cheek, and quickly left the room.

Ross smirked. "You were saying?"

"Bloody hell, can't people just stay in a room for more than five fucking minutes?!" Pauline sighed. "Anyway, since nobody else is taking charge, I will."

Stella sighed. "You, take charge?"

"Yeah, I know my way around a set of sad sacks like you, believe me." She said. "Right, everyone sit down and listen to me!"

"You really think we're going to listen to you, Pauline?" Ross asked with a laugh. "You really are a fifty year old psychotic lesbian."

"How many fucking times?!" Pauline snapped. "I'm forty eight!"

"Really Pauline? You don't look it." Alvin said with a genuine smile.

"You really think so?" Pauline asked. "Well, there was a time-"

"Right!" Ollie interrupted. "I might not be able to control my own theatre company, but surely I can control you lot! So, the rota!"

He looked over the group, his eyes flickering to each of them.

"So, Stella and Alvin, you will be in one room - the computer room-"

"Thank god!"

"Yes, thank you, Pauline." Ollie sighed. "Speaking of which, you're with me in the other room, which leaves Ross, Geoff, Lipp, Harvey and Chinnery in the main hall."

"Alles klar!" Lipp grinned. "Come my friends, let us commence the invigilating!"

"Hold on though - where's chinners?" Geoff asked.

Right on queue, Chinnery returned, his eyes still a little red rimmed, and a handkerchief crumpled in his fist, but slightly more composed.

"Perfect timing that was, chinners!" Geoff grinned. "Come on, dry your eyes, and I'll tell you about how I became the one, the only, the CURRY KING!"

"I think I'm alright, thank you." Chinnery said meekly as Geoff dragged him away.

"Is that alright with everyone, then?" Ollie asked.

"It's not alright with me." Harvey hissed. "That sad excuse for a vet-"

"Come on Harvey, we'll be late." Ross interrupted firmly. "Isn't it you who serves to always be punctual?"

Harvey sighed, closing his eyes. He counted backwards from ten, straightened, and followed Ross.

"Very well." He muttered. "If I must."

Pauline sighed. "What the bloody hell is wrong with him? And the vet! They won't even look each other in the eyes!"

"I don't know." Ollie said. "But I have a feeling we'll soon find out."

And they would. But first, they had exams to invigilate.

Chapter Text

Herr Lipp swanned through the rows of desks, unable to find Nick's name. With every one he passed, he felt his heart beat faster - was there a sudden change of plans? He hoped not, or his own plan would be ruined completely.

He passed through row M, where he'd been the day before, to no avail. From there, he wandered far more briskly, eyes flicking - first name, then second, desperate to find Nick. The notes he'd been keeping in his pocket all morning jabbed him in the chest, but he kept his head held high - anything to maybe, just maybe, see him again.

Then, his luck changed at row S. Nineteem letters in, and nine numbers back, there was the name he'd been looking for: Nick Woodgate. Victory!

He found a chair and settled himself there, seeming inconspicuous compared to the day before, when all he could think of was sex and bratwurst and phantom hickey pains and the distant but sweet sweet feeling of saliva on his lips.

"Herr Lipp!" Chinnery called from closer to the front. "You're watching from behind?"

"Ja, nobody thinks to strike from the back." He replied.

"You're quite right!" The vet said with a weak smile. "Good man."

Chinnery turned back to Geoff, who was talking about vindaloo and korma or something or other - certainly not something of German origin - and Lipp grinned a sly grin.

"Lipp," He whispered to himself. "You are a clever, clever boy."

And if he felt a slight pulse in his trousers at the thought? Well, that was just human nature.

Stella was sat off to the side of the classroom, looking through a Bella magazine and pretending to be truly interested. All she could think about was Charlie, but was she going to admit that to Alvin? No chance.

She was just fine on her own. A strong, independent woman who didn't need sweater vest wearing, neck brace embossed nymphomaniacs to run and cry to.

To be fair to him however, Alvin had stayed quiet too for once.

That was, until he started placing the English Language papers on the desks. 

"So, you know how it was 'mouth to mouth Mondays' yesterday at the Windermere?" Alvin asked. 

"That sounds disgusting." Stella said under her breath. 

"Well, anyway, I was stuck at the front desk having to sign all guests in. They come in under fake names, you see, because it can get quite raunchy." Alvin gave a fleeting grin. "So as I say, once all the guests were here, I made my way into the main area to see if anyone needed a helping hand... or mouth, and what should I see but Sunny grabbing the muscly bicep that was all too familiar to me. You see there's this chap down the garden centre - he's a student I think - anyway, he has the job of transporting the massive bags of soil and other heavy items because he was on his school rugby team and has rather impressive muscles. Well, the women just swoon at him, even my lovely Judith, and he just laps it up. All this attention from women, ogling him like he's an animal at the zoo. So I decided that it wasn't my place to interrupt them, this is what I do for my Sunny so that she can be happy. And, as I say, there's not much I could have done in there. I don't shut my ruddy mouth long enough for it to be any use to anyone." 

"No you fucking don't!" Stella exclaimed. "Do you know how to read a room? Because you seem pretty incompetent at that!" 

"Well, actually, I did take a course on understanding-"

"Oh piss off!" Stella yelled. "I'm going for a fag." 

And with that Stella slinked out of the room, already ripping the box of cigarettes out of her jacket pocket, making a B-line for the fire exit doors. 

"God I need this today." She sighed, taking the first drag on her cigarette. 

Needless to say, Pauline was in her element as she handed out pens to each desk. They were glittery and sparkly and some had smiley faces or hearts on them, but she didn't care how they looked. As long as she wasn't in that computer room, she was happy as a pig in shit.

Ollie, meanwhile, was writing the exam timings on the board in orange whiteboard pen. The constant squeaking of it echoed around the room, drilling into Pauline's skull. 

Squeak. Squeak. Squeeeeeeeak- 

"Oh bollocks. Pauline?" Ollie asked. "You haven't got a whiteboard pen I can borrow have you? This one's died." 

"No, No I don't." She replied, clearly hiding a large wad of pens under her armpit. 

"Are you sure because... yep. Yeah! I can see that orange pen in your hand." Ollie reached out to grab it. Pauline jerked herself away from him. 

"You're not having her!" Pauline exclaimed.

"Her?" Ollie inquired. 

"It. It." Pauline said, to herself as much as to Ollie. 

"I just need it for the board." Ollie pleaded. "Two sentences maximum."

Pauline slowly offered a shaking hand holding a bright orange whiteboard pen. He grabbed it quickly and scribbled the rest of the notes on the board before practically flinging it back at Pauline. 

"You know the kids can't use these, right?" Said Ollie. 

"You what?" 

"The children have to use the pens given to them by the school, not yours." Ollie quickly began flittering around the room, collecting the pens into a big bundle of colours. He plopped them onto the desk, half the clump racing to the floor and scattering everywhere. 

"NOOOOOO!" Pauline yelled. "My pens! You massacred my pens!" She sank to the floor and began to grab at them, sobbing into them like they were the cure to all sadness. 

"I'm so sorry Pauline. I'll clean all this up." Ollie apologised. "Do you want a moment, you know, outside?" 

She slowly rose. "Yeah, I think I do." Pauline shuffled out of the room and down the corridor. What she needed right now was some good old fresh air.

When she opened the door, however, a cloud of grey smoke hit her smack in the face. She coughed. 

"Hiya Stella." Pauline said. 

"You alright, Pauline? What are you doing out here?" 

"That Ollie bloke tried to get rid of my precious pens!" She said exclaimed. 

"Thieving little get. Here, have something to calm your nerves." Stella produced a cigarette from her pocket and, with a quick nod from Pauline, it was lit. 

"So after I'd recovered from my vindaloo - which did not take long, thank you very much - we all drank enough...too much, actually, and I decided I was going to try the Shebabs Indian supercharger special." Geoff rambled. "And I ate it, and got the shirt. I think you're all caught up now?"

"Yes, Geoffrey." Chinnery said tearfully. "Yes I am."

"Eh, what's up wi' you?" Geoff asked. "Thought you'd already cried yourself half to death earlier."

"I know, I know." Chinnery muttered. "I just...can't stop thinking about it!"

"Thinking about what, Chinners?" Geoff asked impatiently. "You haven't told me a thing!"

"Promise me you won't laugh."

"Promise."

"Or dismiss it - this means a great deal to me, you know."

"Promise."

"Geoff!" Chinnery said, choking on a sob. "You have to mean it."

"I promise!" Geoff snapped. "Just tell me, alright?"

Chinnery swallowed hard. "Well, I went to do a checkup on one of Harvey's toads for him last night; she wasn't the healthiest in his collection unfortunately, and I had to perform a procedure."

"Right." Geoff nodded. "But what's sad about that?"

"Nothing!" Chinnery said, sniffling. "But what happened next...well...the toad...I can't say it!"

He sobbed harshly, dabbing at his face again like some broken Victorian widow. "It's just so awful!"

"Come on Matthew, open your fucking mouth!"

"Well, the toad...exploded!" Chinnery cried, breaking into fresh sobs. "Oh, how awful it was to see! How awful it felt to know I'd failed at treating even the simplest amphibian!"

And from there he could barely speak. Geoff just stood awkwardly, patting his back, muttering the occasional there there as Chinnery wept.

"And what's worse," He sobbed. "Was that Harvey was so angry! He said I was...incompetent!"

"Come on now, doc, you're not completely useless." Geoff said. "Remember that prized stallion you saved at Christmas?"

"It died two weeks later, Geoff!"

"Two weeks later is better than nowt innit?"

Chinnery attempted to answer, but he only managed a hiccup that burst in past the remaining sobs. "Sorry."

"Bloody hell, you are a soft touch." Geoff muttered.

Meanwhile, as Chinnery desperately tried to calm himself, and as Lipp tapped his fingers on his thigh, Ross went to collect a couple extra plastic pencil cases for the final few seats.

Harvey was there, staring into the middle distance.

"Harvey, you'll need to get out of this funk before the exam starts." Ross said firmly.

"I'm aware." Harvey said firmly. "I am mourning the untimely death-"

"Don't say it - of one of your toads?"

"Yes!" Harvey snapped. "Due to the incompetence of that god awful vet!"

"What do you mean, what on earth happened?" Ross asked.

"He held it, gave his prognosis, touched it, and then...BOOM!"

"And then..."

"He simply said 'oh dear'." Harvey boomed. "Oh dear? OH DEAR?! Oh dear is not going to bring Persephone back, is it?!"

"I understand that, but this really isn't the place to be airing your personal grievances." Ross said. "You and Matthew can talk about it properly after we've done the exam."

Harvey sighed. "Very well, very well, but I'm not letting him forget."

He turned to the vet, who had barely just managed to keep himself from crying for longer than five seconds, and gave him a harsh stare. Luckily, Chinnery hadn't noticed.

Later on though, he would notice more than he could ever expect.

The two women were engulfed in a cloud of smoke; their thick northern accents barely breaking through. 

"He's always going on about 'Sunny this' and 'Sunny that' and it doesn't seem to compute that I don't give a shit about his nympho wife." Stella said before taking a long drag on her cigarette.

"I know what you mean." Pauline replied. "Sometimes I think I'd rather shoot meself in the head than hear the word 'fireman' again, but that's just Mickey for you."

"Oh, don't get me started on Charlie - I'm sick to death of his shit." She sighed, taking a second drag - even longer this time. "I swear Pauline, he does not know when to shut his trap. Last night..."

She stopped.

"Well, let's just say, I was this close to asking for a divorce."

"Are you alright, love?" Pauline asked.

"Yeah, yeah, just...hit a nerve, that's all." Stella muttered, crossing one leg over the other, as if making herself smaller.

They sat in silence for a while after that, smoking and ruminating about the audacity of the men in their lives, wishing they were somewhere else. However, the payoff was still waiting, and the current company wasn't too bad.

And it was about to get even better. For Pauline, anyway.

"Pauline!"

Her head snapped up. "Bernice?"

"What are you doing sitting here, smoking that?!" Bernice asked firmly, taking it from her hand and putting it out.

"Bloody hell Bernice, you scared the shit out of me." Stella muttered. "Thought it was gonna be Charlie or someone."

"Do I sound like a Yorkshire bloke who chain smokes after sex?"

"I chain smoke after sex!" Stella snapped. "It's one of the only things we have in common."

"Alright, alright, Jesus Christ!" Bernice snapped back. "I might chain smoke after sex - I wouldn't know, because I'm supposed to be chaste or some crap."

She winked with each word.

Pauline laughed. "You're a bad one, you are!"

Stella raised an eyebrow, looking between them. "I'm going back in. Need a piss."

Neither of the others answered. They were too immersed in each other to care.

As Stella walked inside, Bernice took her place beside Pauline, glancing at her.

"No, you're the naughty one." Bernice said. "You do know smoking is bad for you, don't you?"

"But Bernice, you've smoked far longer than I ever have."

"I know, I know, and I'm not denying it, pet." Bernice assured her. "But I'm not letting you smoke yourself to death. You're too good for that."

"But Bernice, Ollie stole my pens!" Pauline snivelled. "I'm nothing without my pens!"

"Oh sweetheart, you're not." Bernice consoled. "You're so much more than your pens."

Pauline was shaking now, eyes filling, and Bernice felt her heart break clean in two. She took a cigarette from behind her ear, having been conveniently resting there since she'd arrived, and handed it to her.

"One more, pet." She said. "Then, you'll stop. If not for yourself, do it for me, alright?"

Pauline nodded. "Got a light?"

Bernice found a lighter, and clicked it, the small flame glowing a deep orange between them. Their faces were close now, probably too close.

Pauline realised, in that moment, that she wanted to kiss Bernice. She was the woman she'd been promised.

But nothing happened. The cigarette lit, and Bernice sat back, watching her.

As Pauline smoked, a little calmer now, Bernice smiled softly at her.

"You'll be alright, pet." She said. "I know you will."

Chapter Text

The English language exam had, on the whole, gone quite well. Chinnery had nearly started crying again at the sight of a student writing about a toad while he was doing his rounds, but he'd kept it together. Barely.

Harvey meanwhile had not spoken another word to anyone, apart from to read out a question to one of the students in a menacing manner.

But in the aftermath, nothing much had happened thus far. They had simply gone their separate ways - Chinnery with Geoff, who was still going on about the curry king incident, and Harvey with Ross, who was desperately wishing he could be somewhere else.

Oh no, this time, it was Herr Lipp who was stirring things - but not in the way the group would've expected.

As the group filed out, Lipp made a beeline for the final few students who were dotted about like flies. And there, in all his magnificent beauty, was Nick Woodgate.

And he was alone.

Perfect.

"Nick!" He called out.

He turned, a little startled. "Oh, hello."

"How was ze examination?"

"It went well I think." Nick said. "But Herr Lipp, how do you know my name?"

Shit. He'd gone in all guns blazing - not a good idea.

"I...I was forced into the back." He said with a giggle.

"Were you now?"

"Ja, I saw your name when I collected the papers in."

"Oh yeah, of course." Nick said, casually.

Phew. Close one. Too close.

"Besides, I should really ask you the same." Lipp said, leaning against the wall and trying not to stare too deeply into Nick's eyes.

"Oh come on, everyone in this school knows you!" Nick laughed. "You and Ollie Plimsolls are probably the most well known people to ever pass through these gates!"

"Well known, how?"

"Well Legz Akimbo were a fucking car crash..." He stopped. "Sorry."

Lipp gasped. "Nick, you naughty boy!"

He left a moment of silence, then giggled. "Your secret is safe with me, leibling."

 Nick laughed. "You're funny."

"Well, I try my best!" Lipp grinned. "But tell me, how do you know me so well?"

"Everyone talks about you - they think you're weird." He explained. "I don't think so though; I think you just say what you think. More people need the balls to be like that."

Lipp nearly choked on air. "Why thank you, Nick. You're very nice."

"You're alright yourself."

Lipp felt his heart flutter. He cleared his throat, and tried not to think too hard. He knew he'd regret it otherwise.

"I hope your exam went well, mein süßester traum." He said hoarsely.

My sweetest dream.

Nick smiled - luckily, or unluckily perhaps, he didn't understand what it meant.

"I must go now, I'm riding some men in an hour."

Nick raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"No! No! I'm riding with some men, in a car, to get home!" Lipp corrected quickly. "Silly me!"

Nick laughed warily. "Yeah, silly you."

He turned to leave, but Lipp grabbed his arm. "Nick, wait!"

The boy sighed. "What is it?"

"I hope those answers...for the first five questions...helped you a trifle." He whispered, his breath hot and sensual in Nick's ear. "We are very naughty boys. But I promise, mein süßer Prinz, I'd do it again just to see you smile."

My sweet prince. Again, Nick didn't understand - how innocent he was. It almost made Lipp want to push him against a wall and take that innocence away, like a key into a new world...

Before he could even kiss him though, Nick had slipped away. "Herr Lipp, I can't. You know I can't."

Lipp paused. "What?"

"Accept your help." He said. "I appreciate it, I really do, and I'm not going to deny using it, but I want to do the rest on my own. Is that alright?"

There was a moment where Lipp didn't know what to say. This was not what he had planned. He swallowed. Hard.

"Alles klar." He murmured. "I understand. If it's what you want, I shall leave you be."

"Thank you."

And with that, Nick walked off into the distance, leaving Lipp standing there, sweating like a pig at Christmas and simultaneously trying not to burst into tears.

"You break my heart, Nick." He whispered to himself, the tips of his fingers pressed to his lips. "I vill never forgive you."

And with one final, unreciprocated wave, he disappeared in the other direction, his intention being to quench his hunger.

For bratwurst.

Chinnery and Harvey still weren't talking.

You could cut the atmosphere with a carving knife, it was that thick. Harvey remained on one side, alone, while Chinnery stayed on the other, picking at a loose thread on his jumper. His eyes were red and puffy, and - because he was posh as anything - that poor, crumpled handkerchief was verging on disintegration. Yes, disintegration.

"Come on pal, you're milking it a bit now." Geoff muttered as he paced around him. "You've got to get ahold of yourself - I was in the TA's remember, and-"

"I know, Geoff." Chinnery said quietly. "I know it's such a silly thing to get upset over. But..."

He stopped. Didn't say any more.

Then, Stella spoke up.

"It really, really is." Stella said. "I have no idea what the fuck you're on about, but it's you, so it's probably stupid. Let me guess - dead animal?"

Chinnery winced. "Stella..."

"It is! What is it? Dog? Cat? Lizard?"

He winced at the mention of the lizard.

"Exotic, eh?" She asked.

At that point, Harvey looked up. Ollie and Alvin saw out of the corners of their eyes, and they looked at each other warily.

"Let me guess..." Stella said. "Snake? Tortoise? Frog?"

That was when Harvey snapped.

"IT WAS A TOAD!"

The whole room looked over.

"LAST NIGHT THIS...THIS...ANGEL OF DEATH KILLED ONE OF MY DEAREST PET TOADS!" He raged. "MY DEAREST PERSEPHONE WAS LEFT FOR DEAD LAST NIGHT SIMPLY FROM HIS SUPPOSEDLY GENTLE TOUCH!"

"Alright, alright, calm down Harvey." Ross interrupted. "I think we get the point."

"NO YOU DO NOT!" He shouted, turning to Chinnery. "YOU! YOU...YOU MURDERER! YOU INCOMPETENT FOOL!"

"Harvey, please-" Chinnery whimpered.

"YOU WILL LET ME FINISH!" Harvey shouted. "HADES SHALL RAIN FIRE UPON YOU VETERINARY! I'LL SEE TO THAT!"

And with that, he turned and flounced out, leaving the rest of the group stunned - bar Herr Lipp, who was nowhere to be seen.

Not that anyone cared at that present moment. Not even Stella.

Everyone's eyes were now on Chinnery, who was stood in the middle of the room, mouth agape, every atom in his body shaking like a leaf.

"Chinnery?" Alvin asked cautiously. "Are you alright?"

Chinnery didn't answer, or perhaps he couldn't - his eyes were glistening again, his throat tightening, a sniffle escaping.

Then, for what felt like the thousandth time that day, he began to cry again.

"Oh, come on!" Geoff snapped. "Again? I'm out of here!"

Pauline grabbed his sleeve. "You're going nowhere, buster. Not until this is sorted."

"Right, that's it." Ross hissed. "I'll be back in five minutes."

He turned on his heel and left, leaving the group to deal with Chinnery. Alvin shuffled over and put an arm around him, rubbing his back slowly as he wept.

"It's alright." He whispered. "It's alright...it's alright."

But it wasn't, not really. Not until Ross sorted Harvey out.

Speaking of Ross, he had barely made his way down the corridor when he heard the hurried clacking of Herr Lipp's perpetually shiny shoes making their way across.

"Ah, Ross!" He called. "What a surprise! Tell me, have the veterinary and his unruly charges gone without me?"

"Not exactly." Ross muttered.

"Good, good!" He smiled far too innocently. "I shall meet them now."

Before Ross could say, "I wouldn't waste your breath", Lipp had already gone. And it was upon turning that he realised how ruffled he seemed.

Bloody disgusting.

"Sorry I'm late everyone - I beg, do not squirt your faces over me!" Lipp exclaimed as he entered the room. "Now, what did I miss?"

A sea of eyes met his, glaring. Alvin had since sat Chinnery down in a chair, and Geoff was now shouting advice from the TA's directly in his face.

"Oh Matthew, you poor, damp thing!" Lipp exclaimed, rushing over. "Whatever is the matter? Why are you squirting all over your pretty face?"

"...I'm going to hell, Lipp." Chinnery hiccuped.

"Oh my dear vet, why?"

"I'll tell you later, Lipp." Pauline interjected. "Matthew, I promise, you're not going to hell."

"Yeah, that's Lipp's job!" Geoff joked.

"Nobody is going to hell!" Pauline said again. "Now, if Ross hadn't gone before me, I would've given Harvey a piece of my mind - we all know it wasn't your fault, Matthew love."

"Really?"

"Of course we do!" Ollie affirmed. "It was an accident, that's all."

Lipp chuckled. "Ja, just a result of your naughty little animal curse!"

"Lipp!" Alvin hissed.

"No Alvin, he's right." Chinnery wept quietly. "I am cursed."

"You idiot!" Ollie hissed, stepping on Lipp's foot.

"Cursed to harm every animal that comes into my care, even outside veterinary practice." The vet continued. "Just yesterday, during the exam, I went to save a moth that had startled Geoff - it, too, ended up squashed beneath my foot."

He wept quietly into his hands, any attempt at mopping up his tears completely abandoned by this point. He was so swept up in his grief, that he did not at first hear a voice addressing him.

"Matthew?"

Chinnery startled, looking up. There stood Harvey, looking very much like a dog with its tail between its legs, and Ross behind him, arms crossed, standing firm.

"Harvey?" Chinnery asked, his voice choked by sobs.

"Look son, I'm sorry." He said. "I realise now that what I said was a mistake. You're not incompetent, you just got unlucky, and I promise, I won't let Hades rain fire upon you - he's smaller than Persephone, anyway."

A small chuckle escaped Chinnery's lips. "You really mean it?"

"Yes, I do." Harvey said softly. "I'm sorry I didn't communicate thusly. And I'm sorry for shouting - you know how special my toads are to me. I suppose I just got so caught up in the anger that I didn't think things through."

"Oh Harvey, I fear you'll make me cry all over again." Chinnery sniffled. "I'm sorry I let it fester - I'm an absolute mess when it comes to my patients."

"That's quite alright." Harvey said. "I hope we can forget this."

Chinnery nodded, and for the first time all day, he smiled. Properly.

Ross nodded approvingly in the background, but he didn't smile - not while Pauline was watching.

"Oh Harvey..." Chinnery started again, standing. "Of course we can."

And then, to nobody's surprise except Harvey's, he flung his arms around him, engulfing him in a very tight hug.

Harvey stiffened, but didn't force him off. Instead, he said, firmly, "Matthew, you have three seconds."

Nobody but Ross saw Chinnery count the seconds under his breath. Then he let go, reluctantly. "Sorry."

Harvey sighed and shook his head, though he was smiling.

"Now, where is my..." Chinnery started, looking for his ever present handkerchief, which had fluttered to the floor when he'd stood.

"I've got it." Stella said, holding it in her hands. "I'll wash it in the sink on its own though. I do the unmentionables tonight."

Chinnery smiled genuinely. Stella Hull wasn't one to apologise, so this was probably the best he was going to get.

"Thank you, Stella."

Nothing more was said after that, but the atmosphere had warmed considerably.

Within an hour, Chinnery's at first full carpool now only consisted of himself and Stella. They had barely pulled onto her street when they heard Charlie singing - Hold The Line by TOTO this time.

"Hold the line! Dun dun dun dun...love isn't always on time! You've got that fucking right."

"Hello again, Charlie!" Chinnery called, voice still a little hoarse.

"Chinners!" Charlie said with a grin, dropping the sponge he was holding, his bike now newly washed. "Just washing this beauty."

"It looks fabulous, I must say."

"Cheers, pal!"

Meanwhile, Stella had bypassed the bike conversation, stepping over Charlie and walking up the steps to the house. She was just about to go inside when her husband's booming voice interrupted her.

"Oi, Stella!" He shouted. "You doing any washing tonight? I'm out of-"

"Yes Charlie, I'm doing the washing tonight!" Stella interrupted. "Bloody hell, we've been married years now - you should really know how I work by now."

"Alright, alright, keep your knickers on!"

"Oh Charlie, you make it so easy!"

"Shut your gob!" Charlie shouted.

And shut her gob she did. She went inside, slamming the door behind her. Charlie sighed loudly and turned back to the stunned Chinnery.

"Sorry, mate." He said. "We're going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment."

"WE'RE ALWAYS GOING THROUGH A ROUGH PATCH!" Stella shouted from in the house.

"Anyways, how've you been?" Charlie asked. "You look a bit..."

"Tired?" Chinnery asked.

"Yeah, and like you've been..." He stopped, looking at him properly. "Bloody hell, mate, have you been crying? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine Charlie, don't worry about me." Chinnery assured him. "Just a bit of a day, you know?"

"Yeah, we all have those." Charlie agreed. "Well, if you ever want a cuppa and a chat...or something stronger...you know where I am."

Chinnery felt a hot flush creep up the back of his neck for the second day in a row, and what felt like the thousandth time since he'd met Charlie.

"Yes, I'll have to take you up on that." He said. "I'll see you tomorrow, yes?"

"When you pick up Stella, as always." Charlie said, wincing at a bang from inside. "If she hasn't destroyed the house before then. I swear, I run out of clean pants and suddenly the bloody world's ending!"

Chinnery couldn't help but chuckle. "Oh Charlie, you do make me laugh."

"I try my best, chinners." Charlie smirked. "See you tomorrow."

"Until then." He murmured.

Then, with growing reluctance, Chinnery drove off into the distance, his heart hammering with each breath.

Damn it.

Why did he have to fall in love with a married man?

Chapter Text

Pauline had barely slept.

She'd been thinking, a dangerous thing for her sometimes. Thinking about love. About Bernice. About Ross.

About how full of rage she had been - and still was - full of. About those awful thoughts she'd had about him. About how undeserving she was. If Bernice ever found out...

She hadn't loved Ross, not really. It was all rage, a want for revenge. And Bernice had been so kind, so unlike her usual harsh self whenever she was around her.

But was Pauline just blinded? What if Bernice didn't feel as strongly as she did?

This was what had been plaguing her all night long, what had been hurting her deep inside. But by the time the sun had begun to rise lazily over Royston Vasey, she knew what she had to do:

She had to confess.

Chinnery's carpool was unusually quiet again that morning, and the vet was secretly grateful for it. Stella had stuck by her promise, and luckily didn't seem to have the energy for a tirade about the horrors of Charlie's unmentionables, which in turn didn't give Alvin anything to talk about.

Geoff meanwhile didn't seem to have anything interesting to comment either - the curry king incident had gotten old to him now, and all him and the boys had done last night was drink, so not only had the night been quiet, but it had also left him slightly hungover.

As for Herr Lipp, well, he'd seemed in a daze before he'd even set foot in the car. He was slightly rumpled, as if in a hurry, or as if he'd just dressed after some hardcore sex. But everyone knew Lipp was single - the reason soon became clear after that.

However, he remained quiet, bar the odd little wistful sigh that seemed to escape in the midst of his rose tinted haze.

As all this silence engulfed him, Chinnery was thinking. Last night had been hell - though the toad incident had been resolved, he now had a new problem.

Charlie.

Charlie Hull. Rough and ready Yorkshire bloke. married for life to Rotherham United, married with reluctance to Stella, who was sat right behind Chinnery, unaware of his boyish little crush on her husband.

The man was a rogue, anyone who'd lived in Vasey long enough thought it. He smoked like a chimney, swore like a sailor, called his bike Ruby like a daughter, and drank beer like a sick, fizzy mistress.

And yet, despite it all, he was kind.

Not in the same way as Chinnery was - he wasn't the type to see an injured bird and burst into action - but he was one of the real ones. He was honest, observant, had the most wicked sense of humour of any man he'd met. Beneath the footy shirt, denim jacket, and Oasis style swagger, he really was a good person.

And Matthew Chinnery, the sensitive, anxiety ridden, southern born vet, who had the luck of a beaten down racehorse, who didn't smoke, rarely drank, and did not name his car after precious gemstones or women's names, had fallen madly, helplessly in love with him.

It was tragic. Just tragic.

Nobody saw the tear that slipped down Chinnery's cheek, and he was glad of it. To explain this would ruin him, he was sure of it.

And he'd thought the toad incident was going to rip him apart from the inside.

The room was bustling by the time Chinnery and his measly little carpool arrived. Ollie already had his rota in hand, and Harvey was telling Ross loudly about a new toad he'd acquired, fittingly called Persephone II, and how he planned to feed her exclusively on salmon and a specific type of lettuce only he could actually pronounce.

"Ah, gentlemen, Stella!" Ollie exclaimed. "You're just in time - you know what it's time for, don't you?"

"The rota!" Lipp exclaimed with far too much enthusiasm for a Wednesday morning.

"See, at least someone pays attention." Ollie said with a grin. "Now, today's rota - first off, Stella, you will be with me in the extra time room."

"That's fine with me." Stella said, and it was. As long as she didn't have to deal with Alvin again, she was perfectly happy.

"Perfecto!" Ollie exclaimed. "Right, Harvey and Herr Lipp, you'll be in the computer room..."

Lipp's breath caught. "No..."

"That's perfectly fine with us, Oliver." Harvey boomed. "Isn't it, Lipp?"

"No..." He whispered under his breath.

"Perfect!" Ollie smiled. "Which leaves Ross, Geoff, Pauline, Alvin, and Chinnery in the main hall."

"No...no...no..."

"Finally, the big hall!" Pauline beamed. "Where the pens are all laid out in their little plastic cases!"

"No, no, no, no, no!" Lipp rasped.

Nobody heard him.

"That's right, Pauline." Ollie said, remembering the day before. "Pens galore!"

He addressed the whole group then. "So, is everything clear?"

A mumble of agreement filled the room, and Ollie nodded approvingly. "Perfect."

"Nein, not perfect!" Lipp shouted. "Ollie, I wish to switch please!"

"I'm sorry Lipp, it's decided."

"I want to be in the hall!" Lipp whined.

"You've been in the hall every day so far." Ollie explained. "We need to mix things up a little."

"I don't want to mix things up!"

Ollie sighed, throwing his hands up in the air. "I wash my hands of you, Lipp! Either go to the exam or don't, I don't care, but if you get yourself fired, that's not on me!"

And he walked off with Stella, who looked on with the gaze of a woman who had dealt with men in better and worse states over the years.

"Lipp, pull yourself together, man!" Harvey snapped. "You're being utterly childish!"

"But Harvey, you don't understand-"

"Yes I do!" He interrupted. "My understanding is that you are a child! Now come along, or we'll be late!"

And with that, he grabbed Lipp by the arm and dragged him away.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Lipp screamed. "LET GO OF ME I BEG! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HARVEY! I NEED TO BE IN THAT HALL OR I'LL DIE!"

"Child, that's what you are!" Harvey yelled over the top of him. "Complete and utter child!"

"HARVEYYYYYYYY!" He continued. "HELP ME! HELP ME SOMEONE OR I'LL SIMPLY DIE!"

His screams faded off into the distance, and the remaining five all looked at each other, stunned.

"What the bloody hell is wrong with him?" Geoff asked.

"I have no idea." Chinnery muttered.

Only Harvey heard the talk of bratwurst and the naughty little boys at the back of the big room.

By the time Ollie and Stella had organised everything for the exam, Ollie was on the verge of some sort of breakdown. Stella, meanwhile, was sat in the corner, desperate for a cigarette, and desperate to get home so she could think over something she hadn't wanted to face for years.

The thought of divorcing Charlie.

It'd been on her mind since they'd lost Julie really, but she hadn't wanted to think about it then - we've got to try and move on, Charlie had said a year and a few months after, think about having another one.

But Stella hadn't wanted another one. She'd wanted Julie.

Not to replace Julie, never to replace Julie, he'd assured her with a hand on her cheek, free of callouses and age then, we could never do that.

But Julie could never be replaced.

And it was all Stella's fault.

They'd been fine for a bit after that, mostly because Stella wouldn't talk about it and Charlie had loved her too much to force anything, but his bitterness and resentment soon turned the love into hate, and Stella's attempts to hide from what had happened made her equally as bitter.

Which is what had led them to this - the constant arguments, the big blow ups like a few nights before, the silent treatments.

And Stella just couldn't take it anymore. One more night of this, and she was sure she would explode.

"God, I'm so done with Herr Lipp." Ollie muttered to himself. "He was being so...insufferable!"

Stella looked up, half wanting to roll her eyes at his first world problems. But the. she saw the frustration in his eyes, not just at Herr Lipp, but at the entire world of Royston Vasey, and she saw something there.

Common ground.

"Believe me petal, I know exactly what you mean." Stella said.

"What, about Herr Lipp?" Ollie asked.

"About everything." She said. "Men. Women. Love. Feeling like you have nothing to give to a world that's beating you down."

"Bloody hell, you do get it." Ollie said, mouth agape. "You get exactly what I mean! I was talking to Chinnery yesterday, and he really didn't seem to understand, but you, Stella, you get it!"

"Yeah, well, living with a bloke like Charlie all my married life has taught me a lot." Stella drawled. "Ollie, have you ever tried smoking?"

"No, I can't say I have." He admitted. "I did a play once about the issue of smoking - Puff The Magic Dragon - without the comma! It's about the dangers of nicotine addiction, with the magic dragon being the nicotine-"

"Alright, alright, Alan Bennett!" Stella interrupted. "Come on, you're about to be introduced to a whole new world."

"But Stella, won't we get in trouble?" Ollie whispered. "We could get fired!"

"Oh love, you won't get fired when it's me you're smoking with." Stella winked.

And with that, she dragged Ollie outside to her usual smoking spot, where all their demons - theatre, Lipp, Charlie - could all be forgotten for a few precious minutes.

Pauline and Ross were arguing again.

"Hokey cokey pig in a pokey!" Pauline exclaimed. "Let's get you bastards set up, then!"

She stood at the front, directly next to Ross, who was in the middle of telling Chinnery that he didn't want a repeat of yesterday's toad drama - the poor vet looked mildly startled.

Pauline, without missing a beat, stepped on Ross's foot.

"Ow, Pauline!" He hissed through gritted teeth. "That was my foot."

"Well move out of the way then!" Pauline snapped.

Ross ignored her. "Right, so everyone-"

"Oi, I was just about to start doing that!"

"Oh come on, Pauline!" Ross scoffed. "We all know what happens when you try and take control."

"And what would that be, Ross?" Pauline asked, pursing her lip.

"It goes horribly wrong."

Pauline gasped, horrified. "You vicious little bastard!"

"Admit it, Pauline!" Ross shouted. "You don't even know the meaning of the word control!"

"I'll show you control, you piece of utter dole scum!"

Ross smirked. "You wouldn't dare."

"Oh yes I would!"

"Oh no you wouldn't!"

Geoff and Alvin looked at each other, whatever they'd been talking about in the midst of all this completely forgotten.

Pauline and Ross didn't notice.

She stepped closer to her adversary. "Oh yes I fucking would!"

"Oh no you fucking wouldn't!"

"Oh yes I double fucking bastard would!"

"Oh no you double fucking bastard wouldn't!"

"Alright, alright!" Pauline snapped. "This isn't Queen at Live Aid, is it?"

Geoff grinned. "Aw, loved Queen at Live Aid! What a set of legends..."

"Geoff, shut up." Ross hissed, turning back to his rival. "Go on then. Prove it."

"What?" Pauline asked, dumbfounded, emphasising the 't' as if it could break the spell.

"Prove it." He said. "Show me control."

She turned to the rest of the group. They were all completely silent, unsure how to respond. They knew what Pauline was like, and they weren't yet willing to test her.

She turned back to Ross. "Alright then. I will."

She stepped forward.

And then she lunged.

"YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

Chinnery gasped. "PAULINE, NO!"

"Ooh, cat fight!" Geoff exclaimed, clapping his hands together. "Don't stop 'em, chinners!"

"Actually Geoff, cat fighting is a more girl on girl affair." Alvin explained. "My Sunny likes a bit of girl on girl sometimes, if she's feeling experimental..."

Nobody was listening - Pauline had Ross on the floor now, one set of fingers scratching at his cheek, the other pulling at his hair. She had him pinned down by pure thigh power alone, which was, admittedly, quite impressive.

She was staring into his eyes, scrunched and angry behind his glasses, breath heavy, feeling that all too familiar feeling of revenge hitting her deep in her gut. Further than it had just days before, when she was simply angered by his presence in the room.

She faintly heard the men talking in the background.

"Yeah, this definitely isn't a cat fight."

"Go on Pauline, batter him!"

"Geoff, don't encourage her you fool!"

That last one had to be Chinnery.

"Pauline, please, get ahold of yourself for god sake!"

Yep, definitely Chinnery.

Then...

"Am I going to have to fix this myself, like always?"

It was definitely Chinnery again, but in her head, Pauline heard a different voice.

Bernice.

It'd been her who'd fixed everything for Pauline, and now what was she doing? Getting doped up on rage, like always. Letting her hate for Ross overtake her feelings for the woman who had always been there for her, through everything.

She couldn't see Ross's face anymore through the mist in her eyes.

It was soon easy for Chinnery to detach her from her victim.

"Pauline, get off him!" He shouted. "Are you mad? Simply mad?!"

"I...I don't know." Pauline muttered, dazed, as she found her footing.

"Oh come on chinners, she could've had him then!" Geoff shouted, annoyed. "Always the killjoy..."

"Yes, and probably had him ground to a pulp if someone didn't stop her. Now is not the time for disagreement!" Chinnery tutted, helping Ross to his feet. "Are you quite alright, Ross?"

"Yes, fine." He said, staring Pauline down. "Just fine."

"Well, I suppose you're just as much to blame as your attacker." Chinnery fussed, straightening Ross's collar and brushing dust from his lapels. "You really shouldn't start fights, you know. I thought you were better than that."

Ross simply rolled his eyes.

"Now, if you're not going to be civil, neither of you will be in charge." Chinnery said firmly. "Ross, stand at the far left side please, in the middle, and Pauline, you take the right. If either of you come to blows again, we'll be having words, alright?"

Ross looked at Pauline.

Pauline looked at Ross.

Then they both looked at Chinnery, who looked far too firm for someone who had spent most of the day before sobbing like some destitute Edwardian mistress.

"Fine."

"Fine."

"Good." Chinnery said with a smile. "Now, I'll stand at the front, and Geoff and Alvin, do as you see fit. Though I'll admit, Herr Lipp's idea of taking the back passage wasn't as successful as I first thought. He seemed focused on only one person in the row the entire time."

"Don't let Lipp hear you say back passage again, Matt." Alvin chuckled. "That reminds me actually-"

"Alvin, not now." Chinnery gently rebuffed him. "Tell me on the way home, alright?"

Alvin frowned, though he nodded.

"Right, now that's sorted, are we ready to get going?" Chinnery asked, to a small wave of nods.

"Er, actually Matthew, I think I might just..." Pauline started, already halfway out of the room. "Powder my nose first. I'll be back in a tick!"

And before you could say dole scum, she was gone.

The room was scarily silent.

"...she hasn't gone to powder her nose, has she?" Alvin asked.

"Definitely not." Ross muttered. "Waste of bloody time and energy talking to her."

Geoff rolled his eyes, and Chinnery hurriedly checked over everything, neither of them wishing to get involved any further.

Nobody saw Pauline sobbing in the loos, muttering about sin and sex and rage and bloody two pound mascara. And maybe it was for the best.

Chapter Text

Stella had tried not to think about Charlie again after she'd had her cigarette break with Ollie. She knew it would only end in tears, and Stella Hull did not cry.

At least, that's what everyone on the outside thought.

But somehow, he lingered in her mind like a bad smell. And bloody hell, he could smell rank - mostly if he wore that blasted football shirt for too many days in a row without chucking it in the wash.

Just thinking about that bloody shirt made her want to burst into tears.

She couldn't divorce him, could she? Not really. She did still love him. Right?

The room felt too quiet all of a sudden. Too many people and not enough noise. Even Ollie's pacing was quiet on the carpeted floor, compared to the click clack upon the hardwood in the main hall.

She needed another cigarette.

But she couldn't have one here.

At least at home, she could smoke freely. Charlie did it too, he wouldn't care. She didn't have to hide in the bathroom with the immersion on and the window cracked, hairspray in the other hand ready to disguise the smell.

That was one thing they had going for them, right?

She was just clutching at straws now, she knew she was, but the truth was, she couldn't remember life without Charlie. Besides, he could be sweet. Really sweet. He could hold her like a lover should, take her out and treat her like a queen. Bloody hell, when they got home from Tenerife, he was already talking about saving up to go again.

Next time, they wouldn't have squid.

At least, Stella wouldn't - Charlie lived for his calamari.

Charlie wasn't bad. Hell, he was a good bloke. But for Stella...

But he'd made her lunch on Monday. Lunch! What kind of husband still did that for his wife? A good one, surely?

Stella hadn't realised she was crying until a hand - Ollie's, it could only be - shot in front of her face.

She looked up, finding that he looked more than a little worried. You didn't often see that in Ollie.

"I'm fine." Stella said, still a little guarded. "Really, just tired."

"No you're not." Ollie said, pressing the tissue he was holding into her hand. "I know you're not."

"Ollie, I'm fine!" She hissed.

Ollie softened then. "Don't lie to me, Stella. Please."

Stella dabbed at her eyes, finding her iron will bending to his.

"It's about Charlie, I know it is." He said. "Only he could make you feel like this."

Stella chuckled wetly. "Yeah, you got that right."

"We'll talk about it later, alright?" Ollie whispered. "Maybe with a cigarette?"

Stella smiled, small but real.

"You've got yourself a date, Mr. Plimsolls."

Pauline had restricted herself to only five minutes hiding in the ladies, and none of it was spent powdering her nose like she'd told the rest of the group.

Now here she was, thankful that there was not a single computer in sight - the mere thought of one right now would send her into meltdown again.

But yes, pens galore, just as Ollie had said.

She could breathe here, at least.

Pauline was, though she wouldn't let Ross find out, secretly glad that Chinnery had taken charge and kept them apart. She was actually quite proud; she didn't know that poor, sweet, angel of a vet had it in him. But she was relieved, definitely.

She just hoped that same relief could be felt after she spoke to Bernice.

Pauline had never actually done confession, not in the religious sense, anyway. To her, it sounded awful. Some vicar hearing about how you'd stolen your neighbour's hedge trimmers, or how you'd underpaid parking at ASDA, and then listening to you apologise, as if it was the highlight of their year.

But this wasn't just any vicar. This was Bernice.

Her Bernice, who had been so kind.

And this wasn't about hedge trimmers or parking - this was about love. Something worth fighting for.

She was going to do it. She had to. She loved Bernice, more than anything in the world. Even pens, and that was saying something. She just hoped everything that'd happened with Ross wouldn't complicate things.

She looked over and watched as he read out a question to one of the students, silent, controlled, just a little stern in that way only Ross Gaines could achieve.

She didn't want to lay a finger on him anymore.

No, these perfect fingers were now only reserved for Bernice. No one else.

Oh, except for her pens. Nobody could take her away from her pens.

With this thought in mind, she went to help a student nearby, whose hand nervously hovered in the air. Chinnery hadn't noticed, clearly chastising Geoff for something, and Alvin sidling up to Ross, probably about to talk about something overtly sexual and entirely inappropriate in such a setting as this.

And this time, after she'd read a question out loud to the student, apologising quickly for being unable to help much more, she didn't flinch when she called her love.

Herr Lipp, yet again, was struggling.

Harvey had pulled no punches when they'd got to the computer room, giving him a prolonged talk about how it was Mick Jagger who had once said that you can't always get what you want, and that if the two of them were going to get along, Lipp would have to stop being so bratty and horrid.

And so, despite his aversions, Lipp had obeyed, purely to make the time stuck with Harvey a little easier to bear.

How much easier it actually felt was highly debatable.

His eyes could not wander here, not like before. Not now that he'd found his gorgeous, otherworldly Nick Woodgate. The boy was all he could think about, all his lusty mind could conjure.

He needed him, desired him, loved him. Wished to be pressed up against him, flush with need, their lips bruised slightly pink from the passion, slick with saliva and satisfaction.

And after all this, the boy would look into his eyes, and tell him he loved him.

Lipp sighed wistfully, aching at the thought.

The classroom could've fallen into complete disarray any second after that, and he probably wouldn't have noticed - he was in far too deep now to escape.

He sat, crossing his legs over again, trying not to imagine the scene any further. But alas, it came - the two of them leaving together, the sun going in behind the thick clouds, him draping his coat over Nick's shoulders, the coat being a little too big but adorably sweet on him. Then they'd probably stop off at the payphone on the edge of town, Nick calling his parents to say he was with a friend and Lipp kissing his neck all the while, sweet and soft. Then it'd be to Lipp's, Roberta would be at work for sure, and Justin nowhere to be seen, and they'd rush upstairs, trailing coats, shoes, scarves, hats, all the way up, hearts fluttering in the most giddy way. Then they'd crash, and they'd kiss, bite, touch, stimulate...

The thought of it made him want to cry in the best possible way.

He was so frustrated.

And it felt so good.

He reached for the hat he'd been wearing when he waltzed into the room, only now being off because Harvey had forced him to remove it. Then he placed it in his lap, a hand already desperate to slip underneath.

What a naughty boy he was.

Chapter Text

Somehow, Lipp had managed to calm his flaming hard on, but his gut was still warm with lust. The second Harvey called time, Lipp was up, collecting memory sticks and placing them on a tray with Harvey's at a speed that almost redeemed his earlier tantrum.

"See Lipp, you can cope in such a place as this." Harvey said. "Now, you can go and meet up with your so called carpool - I shall go and inform the group awaiting us in the main hall that the exams are spoken for."

"Alles klar."

And with that, he ran.

Harvey stood, straightened his chair, secretly wishing he could do the same to Lipp, and walked briskly to the main hall, where Chinnery was just letting the students leave.

"Ah Matthew, the exams have been saved to the hard drives - I assume everything is in order over here?"

"Yes, everything is quite hunky dory, Harvey." Chinnery said with a smile, turning back to the kids. "Bye now, good luck!"

"I must say Chinnery, you have a way with children." Harvey remarked. "It's quite extraordinary."

"Why thank you, I do try my best." The vet smiled. "Especially since they don't often see me at my best at the practice. You know, I've always hated disappointing the children - they're so young, so misunderstanding of the states their animals are in. Why...it breaks my heart, it really does..."

And with that he rushed off, dabbing at his eyes again. Harvey sighed, and watched as a figure rushed past him and in the direction of the gates.

"Pauline!" He boomed. "Wherever are you going?!"

"I'm sorry Harvey, I've got to go!" Pauline called back, not stopping.

"Why though?!" Geoff shouted.

"I've got to speak to a lady!"

"Ooh, that reminds me," Alvin said, ears pricking up. 

"Here we go." Ross muttered, rolling his eyes. 

"Me and my Sunny went to 'speak to a lady' last night." He continued, "She's more adventurous than me of course and so she asked about having a threesome with a friend from up the road. Now, as I say, and Stella can attest to this, I was a little upset with her after Monday's activities so I agreed to it and we made our way to her house. Once we got there, they seemed particularly close and, as I say, I'm not one to get overly involved so I just let them get on with what they were doing. Eventually, it had been about an hour or so, and I still hadn't done anything so I offered to get some drinks for everyone and went downstairs to start mixing things up, the sounds I could hear from upstairs were practically animalistic." 

"Ergh, I don't wanna hear about your wife's... lesbian doings!" Geoff yelled from across the hall. 

"Oh. I'm sorry Geoff," Alvin's smile slowly faded, "I was just gonna say that I ended the night peeping at them from the airing cupboard, like a coward." 

"DISGUSTING!" Geoff shouted. 

"Yeah... not that funny of a story I now realise." Alvin gave a slight chuckle but it was only surface level. 

"No, no it's not." Ross said, "Now, why don't you come and help me sort out these papers."

"Alright." Alvin said, defeated, "Alright." 

He went to sort them, quiet now. It stayed that way for a few long moments, until Chinnery sniffled, turning from where he was now stood at the window, and gave a small smile.

"Once you've finished Alvin, we must be hurrying along." Chinnery said. "Harvey, do you know where Herr Lipp went?"

"I have no idea." Harvey said. "Though he did run at some speed."

"Oh dear, and Stella isn't here yet either." He fussed. "We must be getting along, I need to drop Stella off."

"What's the rush?" Geoff asked.

"Because I..." He started, realising that he'd probably said too much. "I've got to speak to Charlie."

Ollie and Stella were collecting papers, and doing what two people in their sort of positions did best - they gossiped.

"So I tell him, just run into them Dave, they can't stop theatre! And Dave has the audacity - the audacity! - to just sit there!" Ollie sighed. "We ended up being an hour late to our show that night! An hour!"

"Don't talk to me about being late for stuff." Stella fumed. "Charlie is such a lazy sod, it's unbearable! Sometimes I hate living in that house."

Ollie softened a little. "Why don't we have another cigarette, yeah? One for the road?"

Stella smirked. "You're a dark horse, aren't you?"

"Only since I got talking with you."

"Yeah, well, I've lived a life."

They left the room, abandoning the papers on the front desk, and went outside to Stella's usual smoking spot near the back of the school, the roll ups being lit and their seats on the grass beneath them being taken.

Ollie sighed. "So, about earlier-"

"I knew you'd ask about that."

"I was just worried, Stella." Ollie said softly. "I've never seen you cry before."

Stella laughed bitterly. "Yeah, well, I don't normally cry out in public, do I?"

"No."

"You've got to live, Ollie." She said, taking his hands in hers. "You can't let it all get on top of you - people out here don't exactly take kindly to relationship dramas."

"No, I expect not."

"Me and Charlie, we're infamous." Stella ranted. "Nobody wants to live near us anymore, because all we do is argue!"

Ollie nodded. "It must be tiring."

"Fucking hell, tiring is how it feels on a good day." She said wearily. "Which is why I got in that state earlier."

"Because I was thinking," she took a long drag from her cigarette. "about divorcing him."

Ollie's mouth dropped open slightly. "You, divorce Charlie?"

"Yeah, sounds mad, doesn't it?" She said bitterly. "We've been together years, why now? Well Ollie, it's because I don't think I can take much more. We've hated each other longer than we ever loved each other, and I'm so bloody tired."

"Well, I think you should do it." Ollie said. "If it's what is going to make you the most happy, leave him."

"Yeah?"

"Yes." He repeated. "You're miserable with him, Stella. You should leave."

"Then I will." Stella smiled. "You know, I've always wanted a gay best friend."

"Hey, I'm not gay!"

Stella looked him up and down and raised an eyebrow. "Really?" 

"Yes! I even have- had a wife!" 

"Wife? You are taking the piss now."

"I'm serious! But now she's a fucking lesbian! You know when I spoke to her about it, she told me I'm not man enough for her!" 

"No..." Stella said, obviously not sharing his rage. She took another drag on her cigarette, preparing to be bombarded with more information about his ex-wife's lesbian doings.

Nick was just about to leave when Lipp caught him.

"Nick! NICK!" He shouted. "Wait!"

Nick turned with a small smile. "Hello, Herr Lipp."

"Ja, hello!" Lipp breathed heavily. "How was the exam?"

"It went well, I think." He said. "I didn't see you - were you busy?"

"Nein, I was in a different room." He said sadly, touching Nick's hand. "I did not wish to though - I could never leave you for that long."

Nick chuckled. "Well, I'd better be-"

"No!" Lipp snapped, hand tightening around his wrist like a fleshy bangle. "Don't go. Please."

"But I need to get home."

"But I...please, just come with me." Lipp begged. "I wish to speak to you about something."

"But Lipp..."

He was already being led in the opposite direction, feeling a sense of unease as he was lead involuntarily to the back of the school.

"You know Nick, I haven't told you this yet." Lipp said, barely above a whisper. "But I feel like you should know."

"What?"

"You see..." He started, clearing his throat. "I am a queen, Nick. And I love you."

"WHAT?!"

"I love you." Lipp said. "And I want you. Forever."

Stella and Ollie were still smoking, though now they had moved on from Charlie completely. Now, they were talking about theatre - of course they were - and Ollie was getting very passionate.

"I really want to do a production of Blood Brothers in the future - the issues it discusses!" He exclaimed. "Class, nature versus nurture, and a bit of romance to keep people interested! You'd make a great Linda, Stella - I can see it! Torn between two men, desperate to escape the cage you've been locked in!"

"Yeah, that sounds great Ollie, what time is it?" She asked, looking over at his watch. "Shit!"

"What's the matter?"

"I've got to go." Stella said reluctantly. "Bloody carpool, and I haven't given the papers in yet."

"Oh."

"Yeah." She muttered. "But I'll call you in a bit. Maybe once I've talked to Charlie?"

"Oh yeah, call me and tell me how it goes!" Ollie said. "You've got this, Stella. You're the strongest person I know."

Stella smiled faintly. "Thanks. See you tomorrow, yeah?"

"Yeah, see you then." He smiled back, taking another puff. "Just finishing this one and then I'll be in too."

And so, stubbing her cigarette out against the wall, Stella walked off, leaving Ollie alone.

A sudden silence fell over him, apart from the way the cigarette crackled as it burned to a stub.

Suddenly, a voice interrupted his peace. It sounded suspiciously German.

"Come, it vill be quiet here!"

"Lipp, no!" A student's voice cried. "I need to go!"

Herr Lipp.

"Not yet, please!" He begged. "I need you! Once the day after tomorrow is over, I may never see you again!"

"Well I'm bloody glad I won't!" The other voice shouted.

"Nein Nick, you don't understand!" Lipp cried. "You vill be leaving, and I vill be going back to Duisburg, where I am forced to live with my serpent of a wife!"

"A WIFE?!"

"Ja, Lotte. She is the name of my wife, but not in fuck." He shuddered. "Never, ever in fuck. Only you could be mine in fuck, Nick. Only you."

"Well, what if I don't want to?" The student, who Ollie now knew to be Nick, asked.

"Then...then you can come back to my house before the week is out, and we can have some Duisburg coffee." Lipp said. "It's very nice."

"I don't want to see you! I'm going to get you fired, Lipp! I'll make sure of it!"

"Oh Nicky, Nicky, my very own Nicky..." He whispered, placing a hand on his cheek.

"GET OFF ME!" Nick shouted. "AND DON'T CALL ME THAT!"

"How assertive you are..."

And then, in a move that made Ollie sick to his stomach, Lipp kissed him. He clamped a hand over his mouth as the kiss deepened, the poor boy writhing under the press of the German's lips.

Lipp pressed Nick against the wall behind them, one hand reaching to push his hair back, the other still on his cheek. Nick was breathing heavily through his nose, utterly stuck. 

Ollie almost froze himself. He had to tell someone - but who? What if Lipp found a way to slip under the radar? Would anyone even believe him?

He knew someone who would.

Stella.

And so, stubbing out his cigarette, he got onto his feet and shot like a bullet back inside.

Lipp startled. "Who is that?!"

He stood stiff as a board, about ten centimetres from Nick now, not a single hair on his body touching the boy's.

Needless to say, Nick was relieved.

He ran inside, desperate to escape.

Lipp meanwhile, didn't move a muscle. "Same again tomorrow, ja?"

"STELLA!"

Stella, as if by some unknown force, was too far away to hear him.

"STELLAAAAAA!!!!"

"Bloody hell Stanley Kowalski, what's got your knickers in a twist?"

"It's...it's..." Ollie could barely catch his breath. "It's Herr Lipp!"

"What about him?"

"I was having a cigarette and I saw Lipp and this kid and the kid looked really uncomfortable and they were arguing and the kid was trying to get away but Lipp grabbed hold of him and kissed him and he wouldn't stop and the kid couldn't move cause he was pinned against the wall and he looked so scared and-"

"Ollie!" Stella interrupted. "Calm down and catch your breath."

"Yeah. Right. Sorry."

"It's fine." She said. "But bloody hell, you need to tell someone higher up than me. He should be fired!"

"I know, I know, I just felt so shaken..."

That took Stella by surprise. She wasn't often the first person people came to in times of crisis - apart from maybe when Charlie was too hungover to get out of bed, but that had happened so many times it wasn't as much a crisis, more a minor inconvenience.

"Well, I've got to go." She said. "But I promise I'll call you as soon as I'm home. Just promise me you'll report the slimy little fucker."

"Of course I will."

"Good." She said. "Now, see you tomorrow, alright? Hopefully not with Herr Lipp."

"Yeah, yeah." Ollie breathed deeply. "See you then."

She went to continue her walk, when Ollie stopped her. "Stella!"

"Mhm?"

"Thanks."

Stella didn't reply, but she didn't need to - her smile did all the talking.

The car seemed to move a little faster on the drive home. Geoff was back at the pub, where Brian and Mike were waiting, and Alvin was back at the Windermere, where Sunny was waiting for yet another one of her nymphomaniac nights.

Lipp was far too quiet in the back, but when it was only him, Stella and Chinnery in the car, nobody had it in them to ask. It was like the car was being driven by ghosts.

Until, that was, they pulled into Stella's street.

"WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS MY FRIENDS! AND WE'LL KEEP ON FIGHTING 'TIL THE END!"

They pulled up outside the house, where Charlie was out once again, a can of Stella in one hand, a screwdriver in the other.

"We are the champions!" Chinnery joined in.

"Whey, go on chinners!" Charlie cheered. "WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!"

Stella got out of the car for the third time running, not bothering to say goodbye this time.

"NO TIME FOR LOSERS 'CAUSE WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS-"

"Shut up, the pair of you!" Stella snapped. "Bloody hell, it's not Piccadilly Circus..."

"...of the world." Charlie whispered.

"SHUT UP!" She stormed up the steps, turning quickly. "Charlie, I'm using the phone. I've got a call to make."

"Right you are, love."

But this time, when the door slammed, Charlie didn't come up with a quick quip or explanation like he usually did. This time, he sighed.

"Bloody hell..."

Chinnery noticed immediately.

"Are you alright, Charlie?"

"Huh?" He muttered. "Oh, yeah. Sorry Matt, I'm just a bit..."

He sighed again, his voice lowering to a whisper. "It's Stella."

Chinnery nodded slowly.

"Me and her, we've been struggling, Matt." Charlie whispered. "And I'm worried pal, to tell you the truth. Because I still love her, you know?"

The vet felt his heart drop. "Yes, of course."

"I just don't know what to do."

Chinnery breathed, smiled softly, and did what he knew deep in his heart he had to do: he let Charlie go.

"Well, I think you should talk to her." He said. "Tell her how you really feel, even if it's hard. The most genuine confessions of love are the ones most spontaneous. Do it when you're both calm, maybe laid in bed, and hold her close, kiss her, tell her you love her. I know Stella - she tells it straight, just like you do. I'm sure you'll be alright."

Charlie smiled, a little touched. "You're a good egg, you are."

"Well, I try my best."

"And it works, chinners." He said. "Thanks. I appreciate that."

"You're so welcome." Chinnery said. "Now, I must dash, if you don't mind."

"Of course not." Charlie smiled. "Just don't be a stranger, alright? We've only got two more days of this after today."

"I won't, I can assure you." He promised. "See you tomorrow."

"See you tomoz, chinners!" Charlie grinned.

Chinnery gave a final little wave, turning back to the road ahead, making sure not to look back - he'd surely cry otherwise.

"Oh Matthew..." He whispered to himself, blinking fast. "What sort of a mess have you got yourself into?"