Chapter Text
The following evening, Holden is on his way to Theo’s house once again. Theo’s brothers are in charge of throwing his stag do, as his best men, and they’ve decided to have it at home, which surprised Holden, because he’d thought they’d be having a wild night out. But they’d already been clubbing the other night, and there’s only so much you can do in a small town like this, so a night in was probably a good choice.
Nobody had mentioned a dress code or anything, so Holden’s wearing one of his floral-print shirts and ripped jeans, with his boots and usual jewellery. A few years ago, the thought of dressing up like this in this town would’ve made his skin crawl, but after everything that happened at the footie pitch, he figured that whatever he did, people like Jason, Kieran and Vic were always going to talk about him, so he might as well dress how he likes.
He knocks on the Browns’ front door, tapping his foot as he waits for it to open. The neighbourhood is full of houses similar to Theo’s- brick facade and white fences, with the house numbers in a curvy golden font. The sky is overcast yet again, grey-white clouds covering every visible inch of it. The street lamps are already, casting pools of yellow light onto the footpath.
“Holden!” booms Derek’s voice when the door opens. “Come in, come in.”
“Hi, Derek.” Holden steps over the threshold. The house smells like cookies, and there’s flashing lights coming from the living room, along with thumping music and chatter. Derek is dressed in a t-shirt and trousers, a plastic crown resting on his dark-blond curls.
“Here.” Derek pushes something into Holden’s hands. One is a cookie, the other is a plastic crown just like Derek’s. “Mum made cookies before she and dad left for the night,” he explains, taking a bite out of one. “‘What if you boys want a snack?’”
Holden chuckles, biting into his cookie as he puts on the crown. “Thanks.”
“So,” Derek says, putting an arm around Holden’s shoulder as he leads him into the living room, “we’ve got a crazy night planned.”
There’s already dozens of cups and bottles of alcohol lying around the living room, and almost everyone else is already here. Holden spots Landon instantly, and the sight makes his heart skip a beat. The other lad is dressed in a graphic t-shirt and ripped jeans. His hair is mussed up, falling into his eyes at the front, his plastic crown dangerously close to tipping over his head. He, Zander and Laurence, both of whom are sporting silver feather boas and plastic crowns, too, are trying to bounce ping pong balls into a cup from a couple feet away. Kieran, Jason and Vic are in another corner, making cocktails. Holden looks away quickly, not wanting to make eye contact with those three. Nash, Justin and Charles are peering over a phone, likely deciding what music to play, because the song changes now.
“Attention everyone: Since we’re all back here after years, we figured we’d spend Theo’s last night as a bachelor playing games we loved in school, like cup pong, ring toss, pool and hide and go seek. But there’s a twist!” Derek announces. “The twist, you ask?” He picks up a nearby bottle of vodka and raises it, everyone lets out a cheer. “And, the special guest tonight, is… Theo Brown!”
On cue, Theo steps out of the kitchen, greeted by louder cheers and whooping. He’s also wearing a plastic crown, bigger than the other lads’, and a royal-looking velvet cape. “Thank you, Derek. Everyone grab a drink!”
Derek picks two cups off the sofa, pours some vodka in them and hands one to Holden, while the other lads get some drinks, too.
“Before we get started, I just wanted to thank youse all for being here. I know this might not seem like a ‘wild’ stag do, but what matters is that we’re all here together. Youse are my best friends in the world, and I’m really fucking happy you’re here with me to celebrate. Cheers!” Theo raises his cup, and everyone else follows suit, downing their drinks.
They sit around the living room chatting and having a couple drinks to start off. Holden is mostly quiet, because the topic of conversation is school again. He’s sitting between Derek and Charles on the floor, Landon, Zander and Nash sitting opposite them, while the other lads are sprawled over the sofa. Holden notices Landon trying to catch his eye, but he looks away every time they’re about to make eye contact, the image of Alison entering Landon’s room last night still in his head.
Landon’s note is still folded up in the pocket of the trousers he was wearing last night. He’d thought of going to the other lad’s room to ask if he wanted to go to Theo’s together, saying he’d seen the note just this morning or something, but he’s still not sure what to make of having seen Ali going into Landon’s room. He has no idea if she spent the night or what, and thinking about it makes his stomach churn. But then again, why does he care? He and Landon had just been getting along as friends. Landon’s free to do whatever he wants. Yet Holden can’t explain the knot of unease in his chest.
After a while, they decide to get going with the games. They start with beer pong, pouring cans of beer into cups and arranging them in order on the dining table. Since there are 12 of them, they play in turns- 3 against 3, and then remaining 3 against the other 3. They play rock, paper scissors to draw teams. Holden ends up on the same team as Landon and Charles. Being on the same team as Landon isn’t ideal, but it's the best option, because the other team are Jason, Kieran and Vic.
Before Holden’s team plays, Landon puts a hand on his arm, warm, calloused and light, and leans in close.
“Time to show ‘em what you’re made of, Hollie,” he says with an encouraging smile, and Holden has to smile back despite what happened last night.
They play, and Holden and Landon’s competitive sides show, something extra driving Holden. There’s a bit of yelling and swearing, and the other lads mediate as best as they can. Jason, Kieran and Vic stand no chance, though, because Holden and Landon are still a great team. Holden tries not to think of the high school party where he and Landon had last played beer pong together, but memories come rushing back, and he stumbles away from Landon before the other lad can high-five him for their win. He downs a shot of vodka as the other 6 play, aware that Landon’s looking at him with a confused and hurt expression.
“Y’know you didn’t have to drink if you win, right?” Charles enquires. Holden only smiles in response, trying to stop his mind from playing yet another highlight reel of the summer before year 12.
Nash, Theo and Justin’s team wins against Zander, Derek and Laurence, so Holden’s team play’s Nash’s for the final. Holden stands farther away from Landon and Charles when it isn’t his turn. Holden could’ve helped his team win had be been paying attention, but Nash, Theo and Justin end up winning, which seems fair because it is Theo’s stag do after all. Charles high-fives Landon, telling him it was a good game, and then does the same with Holden. Landon eyes Holden uncertainly, looking like he’s trying to decide whether or not to say anything, then just gives him a small smile before turning away.
They go on to play pool, the table housed in one of the rooms adjoining the kitchen, along with a foosball table and a dart board. Everyone’s tipsy and happy, chatting and dancing as they play. Nash comes over to Holden, handing him an espresso martini that he made, which tastes terrible, but Holden drinks it all the same, and they dance together, roping Theo into joining them, too.
Landon’s mostly sticking with Zander and Laurence, Holden notes, and trying not to interact too much with Jason, Kieran and Vic. The other three lads are content, though, chatting amongst themselves.
Justin and Derek order food- a lot of it, which includes pizza, sushi, burgers and fries- and they all eat as they’re playing. There’s karaoke after dinner, but Holden doesn’t want to sing this time; he’s feeling a bit more conscious about singing in front of the boys after what had happened at the footie pitch. Holden had thought they might try to apologise for what they’d said to him on the footie pitch, but it doesn’t look like that will happen. He's already wearing what he'd wanted to, and that feels like enough of a statement for now. So he stays put, lounging on the sofa as the other lads take turns singing.
Landon is stood up there, by the tv, with Zander and Laurence, so Holden thinks he’ll get to hear him sing again, but after a while Landon comes over to the sofa and flops down a couple feet away from him. Holden glances at him sideways, debating whether or not he should say something. Landon pulls off his crown, rakes a hand through his hair, and puts it back on. He turns his head slightly, looking at Holden for a split second, before turning his attention back to the rest of the boys. Theo’s singing ‘Perfect’ by Ed Sheeran facing Justin’s phone while his brother is FaceTiming Kathy, who’s watching Theo with affection.
Holden looks at Landon again, only to see that Landon is looking at him, too, but they both look away immediately. Holden clicks his tongue softly. He should be able to talk to Landon without thinking about the fact that Ali was in the other lad’s room last night. But he can’t find it in himself to say anything.
Landon’s kind of annoyed. He wrote a note to Holden to ask him to dinner, which Holden ignored, then when Holden arrived at the stag do, he wouldn’t even look at Landon. He smiled when Landon encouraged him before they played beer pong against Jason, Kieran and Vic, but Holden turned away from him immediately after they’d won, and now kept looking at him with a strange expression on his face, like he didn’t quite know what to make of Landon.
They’d had such a good time the other night, chatting while walking back to the hotel from school, like they were friends. Now Landon can’t figure out what’s changed. He glances over at Holden once more, eyeing the plastic crown glinting dully on his short curls. He’s quite surprised to see that Holden’s wearing a bright red shirt with Hawaiian print, because he’d once told Landon that it scared him to wear the kind of clothes he really wanted to in this town, but of course, 6 years away from here must have changed his opinion. The shirt suits him, though. It seems very Holden.
“I like your shirt,” Landon says finally, leaning over a bit so the other lad could hear him over Zander singing ‘Do I Wanna Know?’ by Arctic Monkeys.
Holden looks startled at being spoken to, turning to Landon with his green eyes widened slightly. “Oh. Thanks.” He eyes Landon once before turning his attention to Zander.
“Not-” Landon’s question about whether Holden’s going to sing tonight is cut short, because Holden gets to his feet suddenly, and makes his way over to Laurence, who’s standing by the tv next to Theo and Derek, without another look at Landon. Holden doesn’t end up singing; he’s just standing there next to the other boys as they sing, like he’d rather be there than next to Landon. “What the hell is going on?” Landon mutters to himself, and takes a deep swig from his beer cup.
After karaoke, they gather around the dining table again to play ring toss. Justin and Derek had bought these inflatable antler things, which one person’s supposed to wear while the others tried to toss rings and try to hook them around the antlers.
“Split into the same teams as before?” Derek inquires, and everyone except Landon and Holden agrees enthusiastically, Holden still not meeting Landon’s eye.
The game seems to be quite difficult, because for every time the person wearing the antlers got hit in the face, all the three members have to take half a shot, not a full one since they had ten tries. Nash, Justin and Theo are proper drunk now, because all the rings hit Justin square in the face. Zander and Derek have better luck, managing to get three out of ten rings around the antlers, only hitting Laurence in the face twice. Jason wears the antlers, and Kieran and Vic are able to hook five rings around them, not having to take any shots.
Landon, Holden and Charles are up next. Landon eyes the other two lads uncertainly. Who’s going to wear the antlers and who’s going to throw? Landon certainly wants to beat Jason, Kieran and Vic again, but more than that he wants to be okay with Holden again. If he wears the antlers, Holden will have to look at him while he tosses the rings, right?
He picks them off the table before the other lads on his team can say anything, and pulls off the crown to put on the antlers. He stands a couple feet away from them, to where Derek directs him, and turns to face the other lads. Charles goes first, tossing his first ring a couple inches above Lucas’ head, and sucks in air through his teeth. Holden, who had been staring at his feet up until now, steps forward, picking up a pink ring. He meets Landon’s gaze for a second, green eyes bearing into blue, and tosses the ring, looking away the moment the ring’s left his hand. It lands onto the antlers, hooking onto the left side.
The same thing happens the next few tries, Charles missing, and Holden giving Landon the same strange expression before looking away as soon as the ring’s left his hand, but managing to make the shot anyway. In the last round, both Charles and Holden get the ring onto the antlers, which gives them six points and no shots, because Landon hadn’t been hit in the face even once- impressive considering the three have had at least two shots and a couple beers each. Charles and Landon whoop loudly, the other boys groaning at having lost.
Landon’s really glad they’ve beaten Jason, Kieran and Vic again, and he pulls off the antlers, rushing to sweep Charles into a hug. Charles claps him on the back excitedly, gripping his shoulders tight. Landon pulls away, beaming, and turns to Holden eagerly, but Holden only gives him another small smile and resumes looking at his feet.
They decide to play hide and go seek next. Whoever gets caught last can make the people who got caught before him drink whatever number of shots he sees fit. Landon feels like he’s been drunk all week, so he needs to win, or at least not be last.
They have a round of rock, paper scissors to figure out who the seeker will be, and it ends up being Nash, who complains at first, but gives in after finding out the seeker doesn’t have to drink. They send Nash to the backyard to count to ten, and the rest of the lads rush to find a place to hide. Theo, Derek and Justin have an unfair advantage since they know the house so well, and disappear before Nash’s booming voice has counted to five.
Landon scrambles upstairs, opening the first door he can see, which turns out to be a medium-sized bathroom, and closes the door with a soft click. This is probably not the best choice of place to hide, but there’s only so many places one can hide in a house they’ve only been to a handful of times.
He doesn’t turn on the main light, only the strip of lights behind the mirror, and the bathroom is bathed in a warm white glow. He has no idea how long he’ll be in here, and he doesn’t want to stand around in the dark. There’s a white sink under the mirror, and a bathtub pushed up by the other wall, which is about six feet away from the door. Landon clambers into the bathtub and pulls the shower curtain closed, trying to obscure himself from view as best as he can, when the door opens.
He can’t have been caught already, right?
The door opening also brings with it the sound of Nash yelling, “Nine!” So it’s not him.
Landon peeks around the shower curtain, and is surprised to be greeted with the sight of someone in a bright red Hawaiian shirt.
“H-Hi,” Holden strutters, looking equally startled. “I’ll- I’ll go somewhere else. Sorry.”
He turns around, about to exit, when Nash calls out, “Ten! Here I come! Hahaha, that’s what she said.”
Landon steps out of the bathtub quickly and reaches a hand out to close the door quietly before Holden can leave.
Holden turns around, barely half a foot away from Landon. His eyes search his face for a second as he gazes down at him, that same strange expression on his face.
Landon moves away, realising they probably shouldn’t be standing that close, his heart thudding. He pads over to the sink, leaning against it. He can smell Holden’s smoky, vanilla cologne despite having stepped away from him, but that’s not surprising considering there’s only two feet of distance between them. The bathroom is kind of cramped now that there are two people in there. Holden’s still standing where he is, by the door, looking at the floor yet again.
“Your crown’s about to fall,” Landon says in a low voice.
Holden looks up, pulling the crown off and brushing a hand through his hair before he puts it back on. Landon can’t help but think about that morning when Holden had brushed his hand through his hair. “Thanks.”
“Are you okay?” Landon finds himself asking. “You’ve been quiet tonight.”
Holden nods, glancing at Landon once, then cutting his gaze away again.
Landon exhales, then clicks his tongue. “Holden, what’s going on?”
“Nothing,” the other lad insists, still not meeting his eye.
Landon pushes off from the sink, feeling pulled towards Holden. He’s glad he hasn’t had too much to drink tonight, or else he’d definitely have been slurring his words and stumbling a bit. “Hollie,” he whispers into the little distance between them. “We were getting along, right? I didn’t imagine that. What happened?”
Holden inhales, and shakes his head. “Nothing happened, Landon. It’s fine.”
“Then why won’t you even look at me?”
Holden looks up, his gaze finally resting on Landon’s for longer than a second. “There. Are you happy now? Will you leave it alone?”
Landon blinks, slightly taken aback, then scoffs. “You’re rude when you’re drunk.”
“I’m not drunk,” Holden counters, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Still rude,” Landon comments.
“What do you want me to do, Landon? Just magically forget everything that happened?” Holden demands.
“You seemed okay with forgetting about it the other night,” Landon points out. “I told you I’m sorry.”
“That doesn’t fix anything,” Holden insists.
Landon scoffs again. “You need to figure out if you’re still mad at me or not. I can’t deal with you being friendly with me one minute, then not meeting my eye like you can’t bear to look at me anymore.”
“It’s not that easy, especially when you’re seeing-“ Holden trails off suddenly, clenching his jaw shut like he’s said too much.
“Seeing what?” Landon presses on.
“Whom,” Holden corrects instantly, then rolls his eyes at himself.
“'Whom?'” Landon repeats, not sure what the other lad’s on about. “What’re you talking about?”
“Forget it,” Holden declares, turning around and walking back towards the door. “Where the fuck is Nash? Can this get over already?”
Landon’s really confused. This is the most he and Holden have spoken after having enjoyed each other’s company walking back from the school that night. Landon has no idea what’s changed between then and now. “Holden, what the hell?” He follows the other lad to the door. “I have no idea what you’re getting so bent out of shape for.”
Holden whirls around, incredulous. “‘Bent out of shape?’ I told you I’m fine. Just leave it the fuck alone. Like you said, we won’t have to see each other after this wedding. And you can go back to doing whatever the hell you want to do, like you always do.”
Landon wonders how many more times he’s going to scoff in this conversation. “What the fuck? If you’re going to be so pissed off all of a sudden at least tell me why.”
“Did you tell me why you shut me out?” Holden demands. His cheekbones are more prominent in the low lighting, his green eyes dark. The crown makes him look like a sullen and brooding prince, except for the bright red shirt that he’s wearing. “No. Have a taste of your own medicine then.”
Landon exhales, exasperated. Now they’re back to being how Landon is used to them being. None of that possible-friendship stuff to confuse him anymore. This is how it’s supposed to be between him and Holden. Hate-hate. But why does it make Landon feel so bad?
It gets quiet for a few seconds. Holden stares hard a the wooden bathroom door, trying not to focus on the lavender and cigarette smoke smell that clings to Landon. He hadn’t been expecting to see anyone else hiding in the bathroom, especially not Landon. He would’ve left, but it's probably better that he doesn't have more to drink. Of course that came at price, because he’s stuck in here with Landon who seems hell-bent on trying to talk to him.
“Seeing whom?” Landon questions again in a low voice.
Holden gives him an exasperated look. Why does he have to pretend like he doesn’t know what Holden means? “What, is it not official yet? She can come to your hotel room at night but you can’t tell people about it?”
Landon looks at him, bemused. “Who?”
Holden scoffs, unable to stop himself from shoving Landon in the shoulder. “Alison! I saw her coming to your hotel room last night. I saw your note late and was about to come over then, but she was on her way there, too. How many people did you invite to dinner? Or did you two do something other than eat?” His gaze burns into Landon’s, who looks startled and exhausted at the same time.
“Holden, you can’t be serious,” Landon says with a defeated sigh. “Why are you jealous if you keep claiming to hate me?”
“Because how the fuck do you get to move on and I don’t?” Holden challenges, his voice coming out brittle. He hadn’t been planning on saying this, but he’s just so tired of feeling this way. “Why am I stuck comparing everyone I date to you, when you can move on freely and date whichever girl you want?”
Landon looks taken aback. “Seriously, are you drunk?” he questions after a second.
“I’m trying to talk to you, and you keep- forget it. Fuck you.” Holden turns away, staring at the door again, trying to fight against the lump forming in his throat.
“Hey. Hollie,” Landon whispers, reaching out and placing a hand on Holden’s shoulder lightly. Holden wants to move away, but his body won’t respond. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound rude. I’m just… really surprised to hear that from you.”
“What, that I haven’t been able to get you out of my head for the last six years, like some loser, and keep comparing everyone to you, even though you ended up treating me so badly?” Holden turns to him, his eyes bearing into Landon’s again. He needs to know how Holden had felt, how terrible it was to have to feel so massively betrayed by your best friend.
Landon swallows visibly, his blue eyes soft and sad. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say. You- You really think of me that often?”
“Clearly you don’t think of me as often,” Holden retorts with a scoff, turning around and padding to the sink to put some space between them. “You really have a heart of stone. You shagged me and then shut me out, and you don’t regret it at all, do you?”
Landon scoffs, too, following Holden and standing in front of him, a couple inches away. “You keep saying that! I told you I’m sorry.”
Holden observes him for a moment. In his heart he knows Landon’s sorry, but he doesn’t know why Landon did that to him. He wants to forgive him, he’s tried to, in his head, almost every night. He knows he doesn’t hate Landon, but shouldn’t he?
Landon’s looks frustrated, like he’s tired of saying the same thing over and over. But maybe Holden needs to hear it over and over for it to take effect. The plastic crown on Landon’s head looks like it’s about to slip.
Holden reaches out absently, nudging the crown up. Landon’s eyes follow his movement, startled, and Holden drops his hand immediately.
“It’s not like I don’t think of you, Hol,” Landon whispers after a second, looking square at Holden. “I do. Every day.”
Holden almost exhales out of relief, but he raises his eyebrow and says, “Not sure your girlfriend Ali would like that.”
Landon groans. “Can you stop doing that? Not every girl I talk to is my girlfriend!”
“I don’t know how you just shut me out like that,” Holden continues. “You got with Vivi and ignored me completely. I get that what we did then freaked you out, but I had no idea you could be so heartless.”
“I’m not heartless. You have no idea how I was feeling,” Landon protests, angered.
“Tell me,” Holden replies dryly. “Tell me how great it felt to be with Vivi, and how she made you feel like a normal lad. Go on. Final nail in the coffin.”
“Hollie…”
“You know hard it was for me to see you with her?” Holden asks bitterly. “You kissed her every time I was around, and it killed me. It felt like someone was smashing open my chest and squeezing their fist around my heart.”
Landon looks startled at Holden’s words. “I- Hollie... I'm sorry that I hurt you, darling,” he stammers, his voice soft and full of emotion.
Holden swallows hard, feeling butterflies at being called ‘darling’ by Landon. “Don’t call me that!” he exclaims, when Landon shushes him suddenly, looking sideways at the door, like he’s straining to hear something.
“Get in the tub,” Landon whispers, pushing Holden towards the bathtub already.
“You can’t pretend-“
“Shut up!” Landon hisses, clamping a hand shut over Holden’s mouth. “I don’t want to lose.”
Holden eyes the other lad, surprised. He’s about to say something, but he can now hear footsteps outside the bathroom door, too. He steps into the tub, pulling Landon with him.
“Where are you guys?” Nash’s voice sings, sounding like it’s coming from right outside the door.
Holden finds himself inching closer to Landon, who closes the curtain as softly as he can.
The door handle rattles for a second. Holden and Landon exchange a glance. They need to be hidden better. Holden presses himself flat against Landon, whose back is against the wall. Holden glances down at Landon, only to see that Landon is already looking up at Holden, his blue eyes dark in the low light in the bathroom, the plastic crown glimmering dully .
Holden’s heart is thudding inside his chest. He doesn’t think they’ve stood this close in forever, and neither of them is moving away. He can feel the warmth of Landon’s skin against his own, and the way they're standing is sending sparks coursing through his body. Landon’s eyes bear into Holden’s, his breathing slightly heavy, and Holden can’t help but think back to how this was what Landon had sounded like on the night they’d shared. He and Landon just stare at each other for a few seconds, like they’re thinking the same thing, and Holden finds himself leaning down to press his lips to Landon’s.