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Chapter Text

[Advertisement ends with a dissolve transition to drama YouTuber SaintessPlumBlossom. Her background is an out of focus conspiracy board and there are two neon signs shaped like plum blossoms. She's wearing an off the shoulder t-shirt that says "If Star Wars was good" over a picture of a cultivator riding a sword.]

Thanks again to Vibrantcords for sponsoring this video and now we get to the meat: we need to talk about HeavenlyPup666. For brevity, I'm gonna leave out the numbers for the rest of the video you can figure it out yourself. Anyway, you know I tend to focus on English-speaking influencers because that's what gets the hits — like and subscribe by the way — but HeavenlyPup transcends language, decency, laws, the Great Fire Wall, and common sense.

[A left-to-right wipe transition shows a title screen that reads "Chapter 1: Who is HeavenlyPup666?" The voiceover doesn't mention the numbers in the username. The transition plays in reverse to show SaintessPlumBlosssom again.]

HeavenlyPup is a Mandarin-language influencer from mainland China who skyrocketed into internet fame about a year ago. Internet sleuths have dug through the depths of internet archives to find any old accounts, high school social media, weibo posts and there's nothing. Zilch, nada. HeavenlyPup popped into existance fully formed and ready to become a viral meme with his first video.

While I doubt it would see the same success, I'd love to see other people try the same formula.

[A numbered list appears to SaintessPlumBlossom's right.]

Number one: Be jacked and sexy.

Americans, calm down. I promise you, in Chinese internet he's the peak of masculinity. Just trust and go with it, okay? Okay.

Number two: Have an award-winning makeup artist work for you.

Yeah that first photo is actually a fan manip — link in the description — of what he would look like without makeup. This is how HeavenlyPup looks in his videos.

[A new photo appears on screen. While the features are similar to the first picture, HeavenlyPup in his one has dramatic, red contact lenses, a red symbol on his forehead and looks like it's glowing, pointed ears, one upper fang pressing into his bottom lip and long, historical drama-looking hair. It's cropped just under his chin.]

Small aside, but there's like, forty stallion novels in the historical, wuxia and xianxia genres that took direct inspiration from HeavenlyPup or straight up stole his image.

[A montage of light novel covers pop up across the screen]

If you don't know what those words mean, don't worry, it's not important aside from the fact that HeavenlyPup claims to be a demon, something that exists in the xianxia genre. Again, just take my word for it and go with it.

[The images disappear and the numbered list brightens to draw attention to it.]

Number three: Have an award-winning tailor-stroke-costume designer on staff.

[The image from before now lengthens to show the entire, fullbody shot. HeavenlyPup is wearing intricate, historical-inspired robes in black and red. He is casually holding a black-bladed sword with red detailing. He is also covered in gold-colored jewelry from head to toe.]

Now this fit isn't based on any real historical period. I've added a few weibo links if you want to see the insane discussions between actual historians arguing about what period he's supposedly pretending to be from, but they're in Mandarin and HeavenlyPup's never claimed any kind of historical accuracy.

[The scene fades to black. Small white text slowly grows larger until it fills the entire screen. It says, "4. Have the lowest production quality known to man." It shakes dramatically before a shatter transition returns to SaintessPlumBlossom.]

Lie number two from me, this second image is also photoshopped because I have never in my life seen a lower quality video become a viral meme.

[SaintessPlumBlossom holds out her hands, palm up, on either side of her body. On the left of the screen is a gritty, grainy, low-quality still frame from a video. On the screen's right is the fullbody image from before.]

Absolute dogshit. If Cnetizens didn't bow before the altar of this photoshop artist — again link in the description — I wouldn't believe it was supposed to be the same person. But here's the thing, HeavenlyPup got a barrage of comments on that first video complaining about the quality and how it muddled the details of his look, which was supposedly the entire point of the video.

[A cut to a screenshot of the video and its comments. English translations have been added below the text in red.]

So then HeavenlyPup posts a photo captioned, "This Emperor in his Glory." And while it's no studio shot, it was probably taken with a high-end smartphone because this guy is faint-worthy.

[SaintessPlumBlossom again holds up her hands. This time the left is the photoshopped recreation and the right is the image posted by HeavenlyPup.]

Eerily similar, right? Apparently SharpKnifeMadCat — that's the translation of their username — got a lot of donations for the accuracy of their manip which was posted a solid ten hours before HeavenlyPup's real face reveal.

Anyway the juxtaposition — gap moe for you nerds — between the makeup and costuming against the production quality made this guy a meme. The thing is, if the subject of a meme is unspeakably sexy then he becomes an influencer. Overnight this guy was getting contacted by makeup and clothing companies.

Either he used that sponsorship money to buy a new video camera or someone sent him one because after that initial trashheap of a video he upgraded his quality to First Year Vlogger.

We'll get to the details about his sponsorships later — because holy shit — but outside of sponsored segments he always wears vaguely-historical robes in black and red with occasional additions of gold and silver. I've put a link in the description of a thread that documents every. single. piece of jewelry this meme-turned-influencer wears. He hasn't worn the same one twice, by their count. Even with bottom of the barrel costume jewelry — we'll get to that, too — that's a huge chunk of change.

Now, I've done some research into the sponsorships he's gotten and let's just say, HeavenlyPup has gotta have a day job or be independently wealthy. Given the eccentricity of this guy, I'm guessing the latter.

Chapter Text

[A swipe transition brings up the next title card. It reads: "Chapter Two: What's his deal?"]

HeavenlyPup, even during sponsor segments, is roleplaying as a demonic emperor. He calls himself "The Emperor of the Combined Realms" and refers to himself as "This Emperor" — English speakers, just accept this as the royal we. It's not cringe to talk about yourself in the third person in Mandarin — never giving his actual name.

While it wouldn't be strange, if you buy into the conceit, for the emperor to never mention his name, he specifically mentions that his Empress told him it was "against the culture and tradition of the internet to use your real name." Which is a lot to unpack.

[SaintessPlumBlossom leans toward the camera, which also zooms in on her face.]

Do we have culture and traditions? Is this what White Americans should be focusing on instead of saying they're one one hundred and twenty-eighth Irish?

[SaintessPlumBlossom and the camera both snap back into position.]

That's a joke. For my sins I've linked a video by amazing black YouTuber ShinOnStarz about how most "meme-speak" is actually derived from AAVE and other primarily black dialects.

Anyway, this emperor character he's built apparently has an enormous palace, underground, and around a hundred wives. He says "approaching three digits" which is how Cnetizens usually hyperbolize numbers, but if you watch all of his videos — they've all been scraped and uploaded on YouTube with English subs — it's clear the character himself isn't sure how many women he's married.

Now, him talking about anyone other than his Empress is rare enough and because of that obsession, which we'll get back to, I promise, he doesn't seem to even care about the other women in his harem. From the videos I watched, definitely not all of them, I can confirm the character of HeavenlyPup has at least ten wives.

Again, the wives themselves he barely mentions, but his videos are usually him regaling the audience his the trials he's overcome and great feats of strength he's passed. The wife he was rewarded, barf, is just an afterthought.

This roleplay is clearly intended to be some kind of world-traveling plotline rather than him pretending to still be present in his "Combined Realms." He has a smartphone with enough charms to beat Jesus and while he can use it, he'll often tell the camera how novel or interesting he finds some features.

[The screen changes to a video of HeanvelyPup discussing a food delivery app that "kept his beloved Empress fed before he arrived." He is grateful for the app, but had it removed from his Empress's device because it clearly lusted after him. The video pauses and SaintessPlumBlossom's voice interjects, "Those subtitles are correct, the Empress is a man, but we'll get to that." The video continues playing with HeavenlyPup saying that the functionality was priceless for mortals.]

In between stories of his exploits — and after getting at least one more camera — HeavenlyPup also makes cooking videos, which, let me just say, I don't even like half the dishes he cooks but they make me want to lick my phone screen. Visual appeal is half the meal and friends I am fed by this man's cooking. Also his hands. There's no wondering why he's an influencer.

[SaintessPlumBlossom fake coughs and fans herself with her hand.]

Mostly he does traditional-ish recipes. Back to the links for threads of historians arguing about them. At least he doesn't use potatoes or chili peppers. After a year I don't know why historians still bother with his obvious fantasy roleplay channel, but they like eye candy as much as the next person, I guess.

The second type of food he makes is… Fast food recreations. Apparently the empress has poor health and can't eat most chain-restaurant trash or heavily processed snacks. These are so interesting I actually forget the cook is pretending to be a freaking demon while he's pulling off some phd in food sciences magic.

Now, the sponsored segments are probably my favorite part. Why? Because he never breaks character. Convenience and quality of life items are all "good for mortals, who have to worry about such things." Skincare is useless for him, but good for those "aspiring to rise above their station" which, wow.

He did a series of promos for AthleTrack — that's not an awkward translation, that's the company's name — which has him in, you guessed it, athletic wear. Man is ripped. You could shatter a glass on his pecs.

[SaintessPlumBlossom's editor has added anime sweat, fever effects and a small nosebleed to her.]

He goes on and on about how only courtesans, sluts and Southern Demons would ever wear them in public, but that they are very effective for their purpose of seduction. Then he describes the fabric composition and he'd seem incredibly knowledgeable about how fabrics are knit or woven if not for the constant comparisons to things that don't exist.

[A video plays of HeavenlyPup stroking the fabric of an AthleTrack shirt. He compares the moisture-wicking properties to that of the silk from the Abyssal Ash Moth. He then uses sleight of hand to make a strip of grey silk appear in his free hand. HeavenlyPup demonstrates his comparison with a glass of water.]

I have no idea how he did that trick, by the way. I can't find a cut in the video and he clearly doesn't have any sleeves in that segment to have hidden the second fabric in. Now you might think sponsors would be turned off by him calling their workout gear slutty, but, and I don't know how much this comes through in the translation, he clearly refers to sex workers and sluts with utmost respect. Between that and his intriguing, if baffling, insights and comparisons keep the sponsors coming back for more.

Not to be a shill for anyone other than my own sponsors — and Patrons, love you guys — but if you can buy any brands he flogs, you should. If he doesn't like the product they want him to sell he will absolutely lambaste it on camera. From the materials to the production quality to the executive decisions.

Skincare products and supplements get the harshest treatment, often being called outright poison. Worse, for the companies of crap, HeavenlyPup's "Empress" will shout citations from off camera to studies done on this or that primary ingredient and how it either doesn't work as advertised or has crippling side effects.

Again, this should make him poison for any company wanting an influencer but HeavenlyPup just keeps winning.

Chapter Text

[Instead of a blank, black title screen this one is decorated with roses and crowns. It reads "Chapter 3: Mister Empress."]

The person HeavenlyPup refers to as his empress is a man. As mentioned, we've heard his voice in various videos — through a filter, but we'll get back to that — and HeavenlyPup has confirmed it via in-character Q&A as well.

Are they married? No. That's still not legal in mainland China. But are they married?

[SaintessPlumBlossom makes a knowing expression with raised eyebrows. The camera slowly zooms in on her.]

Also no. Mr. Empress can be heard shouting "not your wife" in several videos from off screen and HeavenlyPup will wax poetic about everything he's doing to court his empress.

Here's the facts, as laid out by HeavenlyPup.

1. He's a man. Yeah okay.

2. In terms of roleplay, he's from this world.

3. The apartment HeavenlyPup streams from belongs to the empress.

4. His health isn't amazing.

5. He doesn't have a job. We'll get back to this, I know I keep saying that, but it's true.

6. He's between eighteen and thirty years old.

7. He's easily embarrassed.

8. He's an animal lover.

That's it. That's all we've got. When I said I hadn't watched every video, that was true. But I did watch everything on the curated list of videos in which the empress speaks or is mentioned more than in passing. Which is still most of them.

[Text appears on the screen that says "Link in the description." Smaller text with an anime sweat drop wiggles. It says "I know."]

The story is that HeavenlyPup traveled through the multiverse specifically looking for the empress. Whom he also calls "teacher" which is… a choice. Because there's a lot of nuance in Mandarin in this area, I'm going to specify it's closer to "master" as in "master and apprentice" but English is my first language and that makes me feel some kind of way so I'm going to keep using teacher where applicable.

The student-teacher roleplay added into the rest of HeavenlyPup's plot is even weirder because the character is North of two hundred years old. Problematic age gap, much?

Pretty much every time HeavenlyPup talks about the real-stroke-modern world, there's an aside about how "Teacher taught this Emperor" xyz. If you'd like to learn that phrase in Mandarin, have I got a resource for you!

[A video montage plays of HeavenlyPup saying just that phrase.]

That's not even all of it! We'd be here all day if I cut all of it together! For educational purposes I just picked the ones where he spoke most clearly.

All of the cooking from earlier? That's only for Mr. Empress. HeavenlyPup brags, more than once, about how Mr. Empress's friend was visiting during dinner and he just straight refused to give him any, despite the huge spreads he cooks for apparently every meal.

[A few images of large dinner tables full of food float around the edges of the screen.]

The food is part of the courting process.

Which is extensive.

HeavenlyPup will make videos going over various items he either commissioned or personally made for the empress. Like when he talks about fabrics in sponsored segments, he seems knowledgeable on the object and how it's made up until he starts talking about the mystical, magical, fake materials he used.

[SaintessPlumBlossom places her hands like she's holding a box. An image of carved stone in a rectangular shape appears between her hands. The stone is pale and veined like white jade and is inlaid with deep red gems.]

So this object is a belt ornament, meant to be worn with historical robes, which HeavenlyPup has also provided for the empress. Belt ornaments have had a handful of meanings and connotations through the years, but HeavenlyPup explicitly states that this is intended as a status symbol and warning to other demons that this is his empress.

Yeah, I wasn't kidding when I said he never breaks character. Anyway, the stone is supposedly "Clear jade from the Pool of Infinite Sorrow" and the gems are, and I am not kidding, "the eyes of an Acid-Fanged, Mount Xia Ermine" whatever that's supposed to be.

Just kidding!

[A video plays showing HeavenlyPup showing a hand-bound book to the camera. It has detailed anatomical drawings of the "Acid-Fanged, Mount Xia Ermine" and text describing the animal. Only portions of the text are translated into English due to low readability in the video.]

The book itself is another courting gift because Mr. Empress loves strange and demonic animals. This one I do believe is made by HeavenlyPup because one of his most-watched videos is of him hand painting a paper folding fan. Link below, but also if you have any interest in that kind of thing, pause this and go watch it right now.

Absolutely enthralling. I could watch this man's paint dry for the rest of my life.

[SaintessPlumBlossom freezes while looking dreamily away from the camera. Then her face scrunches up in disgust.]

I don't know where that metaphor was going. [Bleep] edit that out.

[At the bottom of the screen, text appears saying "Sorry Plum Sis that's too funny. It's staying."]

He's done a few paintings on camera, but that's the best one. I did include a playlist of the others, but I will not be taking comments on this.

This section was supposed to be about the empress, but there's just not much about him directly. HeavenlyPup's plan is to successfully court him and then move him back to the combined realms where all of the known world will wait on him hand and foot.

The roleplay gets pretty detailed here because HeavenlyPup also describes the specific places and creatures he's going to show his empress. Funny note, HeavenlyPup's videos have a lot of really jarring cuts because he cannot stop talking about how he plans to have sex with his empress. Apparently in graphic detail.

So early on in his career, he had a video taken down and his account banned for sexual content. This is well-documented. It's also documented that his account was restored a week later with all of the videos restored, but now with the jarring cuts.

[SaintessPlumBlossom is laughing so hard she can barely read the script.]

What the fuck? What the fuck? A few people claim to have the original videos, but because of censorship laws they can't share them publicly and I don't care enough to track these people down and request a copy. Supposedly HeavenlyPup talks in really weird purple prose but that it's still enough to get people off because his bedroom voice is just that good.

Yeah, okay. Moving on.

Chapter Text

[The music changes to a dramatic riff and the title screen has a fire effect covering the bottom third. The text reads: "Chapter Four: Heavenly Crimes."]

And here's the reason most of you are watching the video. Welcome to hell. This section has the most bizarre and outrageous allegations I've ever covered. As usual, the following is just allegations, completely unproven and wild speculation on my part. None of this is to be taken seriously or as an accusation. Okay? Okay.

[Text appears on the top left of the screen. It says, "Allegation One: Right to Work."]

In pretty much every country you need to have permission to work. This is usually, you know, citizenship, but it varies by region. This is why you need a different visa if you're going to work than if you're just on vacation or going to school.

Well, a year ago when HeavenlyPup was just getting started there was a professional haberdasher on the Cnet who also ran a roleplay channel. This channel was called GoldenDragonClaw and he made his own costume. Singular. Because the robes for an emperor cost a small fortune even if you're making it yourself.

GoldenDragonClaw was the king of the niche for three years and he was not happy to be unseated by what he considered a spoiled, try-hard fuerdai. The video of him complaining about HeavenlyPup is still up if you want to watch it.

[Text appears across the bottom saying, "Fuerdai: an insult saying the target is useless and just using their parents' money."]

Allegedly, after HeavenlyPup got his first handful of sponsor cash, GoldenDragonClaw reported him as not being registered to work in the area he lived, potentially banking on the fact that he'd moved in with Mr. Empress.

Well, he was allegedly right because the sponsored videos all went down. An unverified source claimed to have found legal documents stating HeavenlyPup not only had no right to work, but had no identity documents whatsoever. If not for the deletions and what came next, these would be the most ridiculous claims I've ever read.

[Flaming text appears over SaintessPlumBlossom's face reading, "What Came Next."]

Like the videos with the supposed sex talk, all of HeavenlyPup's videos were restored in a week, but here's the twist: GoldenDragonClaw was never heard from again. This guy was not famous, but he was at the top of his niche and he had multiple accounts and a presence on pretty much every platform. If you did anything related to textiles from raising sheep to custom embroidery, you knew this guy.

And overnight he was gone. Donezo. All accounts up, but zero activity.

Cnet sleuths were all over this and eventually contacted his family. Though by contact, I mean harassed. Leave people alone, okay? Okay. They harassed these poor people and wrote essays about how their son had been murdered when there was zero evidence. Now, ten months later, there's still no word from GoldenDragonClaw, but no evidence anything happened to him.

Anyway, uh, HeavenlyPup, I love you.

[The text at the top changes to "Allegation 2: Stealing the Declaration of Independence."]

There isn't really a crime here, but it fit here best. Come with me on this journey.

So historians have been analyzing these videos, right? Well one day HeavenlyPup wore this outfit on the left and the historians lost it. Remember, HeavenlyPup wears something different every video, jewelry and accessories included. Well in this get up, he has a very fancy golden belt.

[The picture zooms in on the belt. The golden-colored embroidery shows two dragon claws clutching a sun, which is positioned directly over HeavenlyPup's abdomen. It's studded with shining gems.]

It seems to be a recreation accurate, to the stitch, of an emperor's golden belt. Turns out, one of the comment warrior historians is the head of Chinese History at Beijing University. I'm going to preface this by saying not a single person thought this belt was real — the original existed a thousand years ago — but the stir it caused was.

So head Chinese History talks to one of the university's government liaisons and says "We need this to teach students" or something to that effect. And it works. Men in suits get this belt from a roleplaying Cnet influencer. What is real life?

That should have been the end of it. HeavenlyPup mentions it in the context of his confusion as to why anyone would want it, but also he has hundreds of gold belts.

That was not the end of it. The history department did some analysis on the belt just so that they could accurately record it for inventory. This is completely normal. The results were not.

It was made with real gold. Oh and you see the shiny claw tips? Real diamonds. And the gems in the sun? A mix of yellow sapphire and topaz. This thing weighs ten pounds and is worth more than the GDP of some countries.

[The text "What the fuck?" appears multiple times on screen rotated to various angles and growing larger before disappearing.]

This made international news and might be why you're here. Specialists from Belgium and France flew in to analyze the gems. They're real, but they weren't able to rule out lab creation, which they probably are given the weight and the fact that they're flawless.

When asked for details — link to the interview below — HeavenlyPup just said one of his wives made it for him and shrugged before asking if they wanted a second one. So yeah. If you attend the University of Beijing go beg the Chinese History department to see their two priceless gold belts.

There's a lot of to-do about how DNA testing on the leather came up with no species matches and analysis of the silk similarly had no results, but that's pretty common, CSI is lying to you.

Now for the money shot: Hey Mr. Empress, are you okay?

[The top text changes to: "Allegation 3: Annie are you okay?"]

You may have guessed from the constant talk of wives, calling a man he's not even married to empress and addressing himself only as This Emperor, but HeavenlyPup has some weird fucking ideas about women that he projects onto Mr. Empress.

Remember that throwaway line about the food delivery app lusting after Mr. Empress? Yeah, he thinks app notifications are flirtation attempts.

[SaintessPlumBlossom stares dead-eyed into the camera and starts shaking.]

What? I mean, what?

It gets deeper though, he's dropped sponsors for 'flirting' with Mr. Empress by adding, say, an extra workout shirt in a smaller size for him. That's it, that's all it takes and you get the HeavenlyPup Smear CampaignTM.

HeavenlyPup frequently mentions not letting Mr. Empress go outside because of poor air quality, but then immediately adding that it's for the best because men always stare at him.

Hey, hottie, even if that's a wig and even if you drop character when going outside, something I seriously doubt at this point, people are staring at you not the twink you live with.

I do not use twink lightly. Mr. Empress's hands and arms sometimes come into frame and I bet I could snap that guy's wrist.

But it only gets worse. Remember how I said that Mr. Empress's voice is always distorted by a filter? It's because HeavenlyPup is paranoid about his fans falling for his empress. This guy is legit unhinged, but he keeps digging the rabbit hole deeper.

In one video, Mr. Empress's arms are bruised and in one shot it really looks like a hand-shaped bruise. Now, personally, I'm anemic and get bruises like that from casual touches or, I don't know, my girlfriend grabbing me when I'm about to faint, so I don't jump to physical abuse, but the comments sure did!

After the bruise video, every post from HeavenlyPup was flooded by comments asking if Mr. Empress is okay and to leave absolutely bonkers Illuminati clues if he feels unsafe. But HeavenlyPup, having seen a glance of rock bottom, nodded and decided he would keep digging.

There is an army of sockpuppet accounts now in the replies defending HeavenlyPup. It could not be more blatant and useless, except it's also a massive waste of money. Money, you ask? Well, these sockpuppets are to a one verified accounts linked to a real government ID number so HeavenlyPup dumped another small fortune on the black market buying these accounts. Allegedly.

And actually, I don't think it was him!

HeavenlyPup was spotted in the wild.

[A somewhat blurry picture appears of HeavenlyPup. He's wearing modern clothes, but his long hair is still present and only half up. The photo shows his face where half of the red sigil on his forehead wasn't wiped off properly. Next to him is a rail thin young man with cap, sunglasses and face mask. Mr. Empress is about half his height.]

If this was the only picture from the outing, that'd be all, but then we get this.

[A new photo appears, this one is HeavenlyPup holding Mr. Empress in a bridal carry. Mr. Empress appears unconscious and there's blood around his nose and mouth.]

Uh, yeah so that happened.

The comments went wild, internet sleuths were filing police reports, it was madness, then Cnet legendary troll and father of tens of copypastas PeerlessCucumber comments that everyone is being ridiculous.

[A screenshot of the comment appears, with English translation in red, which SaintessPlumBlossom reads.]

"I fainted; he was just helping me, you zero IQ villains. If he'd hit me I'd be long dead."

Wow, I don't even know where to start, but I have to somewhere, so: Peerless Cucumber. That's a whole series of videos, just look him up yourself, but if you are a fan of a copypasta with really strange insults it's probably from him. Usually he just leaves really angry comments on web novels and online services. No one would have pegged him as Mr. Empress in a million years.

Next, given his boyfriend is currently roleplaying as a demonic emperor from another, calling haters zero IQ villains is really on the nose. Are you looking for Truck-kun, PeerlessCucumber?

Third, what the actual hell. If he'd hit me I'd be dead? What the fuck? Who says that about their partner? Like yeah, a five foot woman who's ninety pounds soaking wet could kill someone with a single, untrained punch because human bodies are a travesty, but again, who says that.

Back to the sockpuppet army.

One of the web novels PeerlessCucumber haunts is wildly popular for its infamy, but despite the novel itself being a low-quality cashgrab — the author's words, not mine — dedicated readers got really mad about PeerlessCucumber's inflammatory comments because they doxxed him. Several times. With mixed results, so not all Cnet sleuths are created equal.

But the fandom of that novel came to the consensus that PeerlessCucumber is the third son of the Shen Family. Just watch the video about PeerlessCucumber I linked earlier. They're rich-rich, is the point.

The money plus his extensive history of being [long bleep] online makes me think PeerlessCucumber controls the sock puppet army.

[The editor has added text on the bottom that reads: "We actually think PeerlessCucumber is really cool, though in a very distant we're super lesbians way."]

And that's the story! What a ride.

In conclusion-

[The video cuts to SaintessPlumBlossom in a different outfit.]

Hey, it's me from the future! HeavenlyPup released a photo from his wedding. The other participant is veiled but matches the size of Mr. Empress from the pap shots and PeerlessCucumber's supposed measurements.

[The photo shows a traditional wedding ceremony in a grand hall draped in red. It's filled with at least a hundred people, a vast majority of whom appear of women. Some guests are dressed like demons. Though Mr. Empress is completely covered and veiled, he appears to have been blurred further.]

Congratulations, I guess! Looks like a beautiful wedding.

[The video cuts back with a rewind effect.]

In conclusion, if PeerlessCucumber disappears to the Combined Realms, mystery solved, I guess?