Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Finding beauty in the dissonance.
(Tool -  Schism)

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After leaving the party at Anzai's house, or rather, after their meddlesome, overexcited, noisy friends finally allowed them to go, Suo and Sakura have been slowly making their way back to Suo's house. They don’t feel like voicing their thoughts, still raw and not yet molded into something shareable, but the silence is not uncomfortable. Between them, it never is. It will take them a while to get across the city, and they keep going in an almost trance-like manner, one step after another, both pretty much oblivious to their surroundings. They need a little time to elaborate on what happened while playing that stupid game and to recover from the surely benign, albeit a little rowdy, assault they were subjected to in the aftermath of their big revelation. All things considered, they were left with no alternative, and circumstances forced their hand. In fact, when they finally stepped out of the closet, they were too dishevelled and too emotionally shaken to keep lying to everybody. And Sakura was already considering coming clean, after all.

But… while Suo seems his usual self, Sakura’s face is scrunched in a scowl that his boyfriend can’t help but find quite adorable. At the moment, Suo can tell that Sakura feels overwhelmed, and he knows he is partly responsible for that. For starters, he may have come forward a bit too strongly with his desire. He acted in a needy way, so unusual for him, and he revealed a few bits of his past that must have upset the other boy. Suo knows he should tell him more, but a part of himself is still ashamed of what he let happen to himself. No one was there to protect him, to explain to him why it was wrong; he knows that. 

But Suo knew… he knew it was wrong, and he didn’t say no, or reach out for help. At the end of the day, it was he who paid too high a price for a boy who only wanted to please his master. He has come to terms with all of that. But what if Sakura doesn't understand? What if he is repulsed by him, for being impure? For being... soiled, violated in his integrity?

On the other hand, one of the things Suo loves most about Sakura is his integrity, moral, yes, but also physical. Sakura doesn't know what it means to give pleasure to another person and receive it, the reprobate side of it. He is still so innocent, and Suo wants Sakura to know the wholesome kind of love, a feeling devoid of violence, guilt, and fear. Devoid of the worst kind of shame. The kind of love that can heal you and never destroy you. That kind of love that Suo desperately craves.

Sakura reacted so beautifully in that closet, and Suo had never let himself go like that, spurred on by Sakura’s desire. When he said that how he feels about Suo is unpredictable, Suo didn’t understand. In the end, he can't chalk it up to Sakura’s inexperience, though. There must be something else. And he is going to discover what it is.

In all likelihood, their night is not over. Although Suo would enjoy spending what little time until dawn is left exploring Sakura's body, losing himself in it, loving and letting himself be loved, he wishes they could continue their conversation. He is sure Sakura needs that too. He must be so confused… and the fact that he keeps walking without uttering a word is proof enough of his fugue state.

He squeezes Sakura's hand without looking at him to silently convey a simple message - I am here - and, after a few seconds, gets a firm squeeze in return - I know, I am here too . 

That can be enough for now, the night is not over yet, and the way home is still long ahead of them.

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Sakura is having some difficulty breathing evenly, choked by the sizzling feeling in his chest. May it be the love he has for Suo? Why does he feel so different? It seems to have grown stronger, all in the span of one single night. For sure, he still feels a bit stunned by the events that unfolded during the party. Not particularly by the fact that their friends have now discovered their relationship - well, that too honestly - but mostly by what happened in the closet, playing a game that should have been a walk in the park for them. Hadn't Suo kissed Kyriu, they could have just made out a little bit, basking in their secret bubble of love. But Sakura was already pissed off about the absurd situation they were in, he hated that people thought they could just go around and kiss his boyfriend, okay? But when he stepped into that dark closet, holding Suo’s hand, everything was fine and then it all went to shit so fast that Sakura doesn’t even know how they came out of it unscathed. Suo’s sudden panic, Sakura’s heartbreak, the following anger… the unexpected surge of physical passion that overthrew Sakura’s entire perspective about sex. He already suspected it, but it turned out that, yes, Sakura desperately longs for Hayato Suo, not just for his care or his affection... but also for his body. It was such a big revelation. And now… He's no longer afraid of the intimacy that comes from lying together… naked. It's something he craves now, something that intrigues him, something he can’t get out of his head.

It feels as if a switch Sakura didn’t even know he had, was activated. And now he feels… different. Suo acted like the perfect gentleman, but those strong emotions and sensations forced to resonate in a too narrow and too dark space, made Sakura want to be close to Suo in an all-consuming, totalizing way. Somehow, their relationship has suddenly evolved; it has changed dramatically. 

Still, something horrible happened to Suo, that much is clear, and his strange, clingy reaction in the closet could have been simply due to the impending panic attack or an impulsive need for reassurance. Sakura is messed up enough to understand that sometimes people's defense or coping mechanisms can be quite theatrical or just unusual or hard to understand.

How does he know that? Well, Sakura has been through a lot of introspection since he arrived in Makochi. He has met plenty of people... people who have been through a lot, who have known cruelty, marginalization, persecution, even hunger, that kind of hunger that clouds one's thoughts. Messed up people like him who have lost themselves but somehow found themselves again. And honestly, Sakura has no idea where Suo may be in his personal healing journey, if he has ever undertaken it. He comes to think that maybe sex was never in the cards for them. Maybe the fact that Suo never pressured him was not exclusively for Sakura's sake.

Maybe Suo was as scared as he was, and he is now regretting having kissed him so differently from before, pushed by some sort of survival instinct? Where has he heard of something like that?

It doesn't matter now. He needs to understand his boyfriend, so that he can be good for him. So Sakura keeps restlessly racking his brain, walking side by side with Suo.

Thinking of it, Suo said he thought Sakura wasn’t attracted to him and that he was relieved to have been proven wrong. That doesn’t mean that Suo wants to act upon his attraction, though. Maybe he is just okay with their make-out sessions and just needed a little comfort. Is Sakura ready to provide that? Sure, of course. Is he ready, or does he want more? 

Absolutely.

Does it make him a terrible boyfriend?

Ugh… Everything is so confusing! Why are feelings so hard to understand? And here he thought he was doing well, he was being a good boyfriend to Suo. Hell… That’s not even a problem. Sakura just wants Suo to be happy, so despite being curious, despite being attracted to someone for the first time in his life, Sakura doesn’t really care if they will ever take that step. That’s why he doesn’t know whether it would be best to broach the topic or give Suo time. If that were the case, Sakura would be more than willing to give it to him.

In the end, the blazing lust he experienced has already ebbed away, and Sakura feels drained of all his energy. Sakura would be lying if he said he wasn't a little nervous about the idea of ​​sleeping in the same bed as Suo again. Now that he knows how soft the skin of his back is, now that he knows how pretty the sounds his boyfriends let out for him to swallow from his mouth are, and most importantly, now that he knows he won’t be able to stop himself from reaching out and touching him again. Sakura’s hands feel already itching, as if they were begging to be allowed to take care of Suo.

Suo, unaware of his boyfriend's inner turmoil, keeps walking at the same lazy pace, apparently calm and serene as ever, holding his hand firmly and unbothered by the fact that they are outside. But Suo rarely lets anyone see what's on his mind. Conversely, he always knows if Sakura is feeling confused, or annoyed, or simply bored. In fact, Suo squeezes his hand, and Sakura takes a moment to be grateful for having such a thoughtful person in his life. Suo always sees him, even when he is not looking at him.

Sakura’s mouth curls in a little smile, while he gives Suo a brief squeeze back.

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"Something on your mind, Sakura-kun?"

"Huh? No... nothing in particular."

They have just entered Suo’s bedroom, but Sakura stopped near the door as if he didn’t know if he was allowed inside. Suo, instead, started getting ready for the night as if nothing had happened.

"Are you worried? Or upset, maybe? I mean, about our friends knowing about us?"

That simple question does the trick, and Sakura goes to sit on the edge of the bed, pensively.

"No... I mean, who gives a fuck? I don't have to explain myself to them about who I'm dating, right?”

“You don’t.”

“And anyway... I think… they are fine with it?"

Sakura can’t help but sound unsure, not so much because he really thinks their friends might have problems with their sexuality, but because he hopes that Suo'll be okay with it coming out.

"Of course, they are. More than just fine, actually. Tsubaki-chan looked delighted , didn’t she? But if it makes you uncomfortable…"

Sakura shakes his head.

"It doesn’t. They might try and tease me, but I don’t think we need to worry… And I can always punch them in the face if they go overboard.”

Suo chuckles at his closed fist, raised in front of his face. It's even too easy to believe that Sakura would try to defend his honor with his fists. Unfortunately, Sakura’s attempts to look menacing would mostly result in something hilarious to their impish classmates and would end up backfiring. Some of them can be real assholes, sometimes. 

"I am sure you would punch them to a pulp, but I agree with you, they won’t cause any problem… Just… I expect the whole town to know about us by tomorrow. We put on quite a show, after all, didn’t we?”

A groan is all Suo receives as a reply, to which he responds with yet another chuckle. He has already taken off his sweater and sits down next to Sakura, gently taking his hand.

“Anyway… if it’s not about them, then there's something you want to ask me, maybe?"

Ah... Suo obviously knows how to read his mind. And he seems to have chosen to address the elephant in the room, after all. Sakura stubbornly keeps his eyes on their intertwined hands, all too aware of his boyfriend's state of undress.

"You know there is. But I don’t know if I have any right to ask. I told you already… You don’t have to tell me anything. It’s just… What happened to you... It seems something you shouldn’t be facing on your own. So… You can talk to me about it whenever you're ready. I just want to be there for you, but I don’t want you to feel pressured. I mean… I am here, if you need me."

Suo blinks a few times, impressed by the amount of words Sakura said in one go with a mix of confidence and shy sweetness that those who don't know him well wouldn't expect from him. 

Ah... Suo is falling in love with him more and more every day. How could he not?

"Sakura-kun, thank you. I appreciate it, I really do, and I do believe that you deserve to know what happened to me…”

“Wait!” Sakura looks up at him, a bit agitatedly. “You asked me to wait, right? And I can wait. I can only imagine how hard it is for you, so it is really up to you if you want to do this now… or not.”

Suo smiles reassuringly at him. Sakura is clearly conflicted between his need to know and his desire to respect his boundaries. No one has ever treated him with such care.

“I would like to tell you that it doesn’t bother me, that reminiscing about that time in my life isn’t painful, but I would be a liar. Still, I need to tell you about my past, because if I don’t do it now, I feel like I will regret it. But… May I ask you something as well? Would you tell me something about yourself?”

“I guess…”

“You won’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

“It wouldn’t be fair. No more hiding, okay? I want us to be honest with one another.”

“Okay… Let’s go to bed, then, and we’ll talk. Does it sound good?”

“It sounds perfect.”

Suo nods and gets up, letting go of his hand and heading to the bathroom to change for the night.

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Ten minutes later, they are lying in Suo’s bed, one next to the other, in the almost absolute darkness. It is easier this way, or at least, Suo hopes so. He has one arm folded under his head, and with his other hand, he holds Sakura’s smaller one over his chest. Sakura is curled on his side, facing Suo, so that he can feel his warm breathing on his face.

“Okay… I am going to tell you my story. It is not a good one, I am afraid, and I know it will make you suffer. I also know that it was not my fault; I'm over blaming myself for everything by now. But I know I carry my share of responsibility. And I know you're angry because that someone hurt me, but Haruka, you need to understand that I let him... I let him do those things to me for months, and when it got worse, I still let him keep doing anything he wanted. When I arrived here, I just wanted to forget, move on with my life, find a new purpose. It wasn’t so easy, no… it was awful… but when I decided to go to Furin High, I thought I could finally leave everything behind me. Then… I met you…  And I knew I was doomed the moment I saw you.”

“I am sorry…”

“ Sorry ? Haruka… you awakened me. I forced a part of me to go dormant, but you… You are amazing, and so incredibly strong, and I started to want to live up to you… Ah… I am grateful to have met you, you know? Still, I have yet to face my demons before I can be good enough for you… And I am scared.”

“What are you afraid of? You are good, Suo…”

“I… I've…” Suo’s voice falters, and Sakura scoots closer, pressing his face against Suo's throat and flinging his leg over Suo's.

“Hey, you have no reason to be scared. I am here… I am not going anywhere.”

“I have already lost so much... too much. And I don't want... I don't want to lose you, too."

"And why would you lose me?" Sakura is genuinely curious. He can’t fathom a single reason why Sou would lose him.

"If you were to know everything… I am not sure you would understand. We are not talking about a single episode, okay? I know what you may be thinking… That someone hurt me, abused me, but it is more complicated than that. I know how what I said may sound. The truth, though, is that I let those things happen to me, at first at least. I thought I had no choice. It was just something different my master chose to demand from me. Quickly, I somehow came up with the idea that it was something I had to endure. I was supposed to obey him; I was left to his care, so I never said no. Never. I didn’t even know what consent was about. All I knew was that I had to do as my master would say, and that also applied to when he came to visit me at night in my room.”

Sakura’s body goes stiff.

“Was he…”

Suo seems to understand what Sakura is asking. Was he cruel… violent?

“It wasn’t always… bad. Most of the time, he was... gentle, but then… He got more demanding and…" Suo’s voice suddenly breaks. Sakura is quick to hug his trembling body, rolling over on his back and pulling Suo with him, until the taller boy lies almost on top of him.

“Where is he now?” He asks through clenched teeth. “I swear I am gonna kill him.”

"No… He already paid for what he did. You don’t need to worry.”

“Is he dead?”

“He is not, but… Maybe it would be better if you let me start from the beginning, would you?”

“Okay…”

“Thank you.” 

Suo sighs, bracing himself, and settles in better, resting a cheek on Sakura's chest. This is an unusual position for them. Usually, it's Suo who holds Sakura against himself, with his head on his broad chest, but honestly, Sakura doesn't dislike the novelty.

“You need to know that I grew up… pretty high on the hog. My family comes from money, besides the family business has never been entirely… legal. My father was extremely traditional and cared about his honor and his reputation above anything else. I was raised to one day inherit the empire he built, with my brother. It was all decided. The studies I would do, where I would live, the position I would take, and the girl I would marry. She was the daughter of a partner of my father, and we got engaged when I turned 6 years old. At that same age, I was supposed to start my training. My father wanted me and my brother to know how to behave in public and how to defend ourselves, so I was entrusted to a sensei who was to take care of my education in matters of... I guess, you could say, criminal etiquette , and also to teach me martial arts. When I was about to turn 12, my sensei turned 30. He... began to pay attention to me and you know… I... trusted him. He had trained me for more than 5 years. So when he asked me to… touch him and let him touch me, I acquiesced. I knew it wasn't normal... But I couldn't say no... And as I said, it wasn’t so bad. He was gentle, and he would always praise me afterward. Until, a few months later, he started to ask for more. I still didn’t refuse his requests, but I closed off… I became more reticent, taciturn, and miserable. For some reason, I started to feel ashame. It was only when he started to leave bruises on my skin that my mother noticed it. You know my fighting technique..."

"Of course, you are untouchable. I have never seen you sporting a single scratch on your body, let alone a bruise."

Sakura feels Suo nod against his shoulder.

"That’s why my mother got suspicious and had us followed. You may have already figured out what happened then… they caught us while he was…"

“Don’t say it…” Sakura begs. He may be a coward, but he is not sure he could bear it.

“Okay…”

“What happened then?”

“Umm… The short version is that my father went berserk. He said I was a disgrace to him, that I stained the family's honor, and that I had to pay for it. To make it worse, the father of the girl I was promised to... well, demanded compensation. He wanted money, of course, but he wanted blood as well. My sensei... he lost both his hands, for having dared lay them on me. As for me, I had to pay with my eye, for having lost sight of the family values and my virtue.”

“That’s... sick! Fuck… How could he…”

“After I took my punishment, I was no longer useful to my father, so I was sent back to Japan. This place... is far more modest than the house I grew up in, and I can count on a small income, but I am as good as dead to my family. I cannot contact them... not that I want to. My mother... the way she looked at me before they… punished me... I will never forget her eyes so full of repulsion. She was disgusted by me... and I am afraid of seeing that same look in your eyes. I don't know if I could take it."

Sakura would like to speak, no, scream at Suo, to stop the nonsense, to say that he could never be disgusted by him. But the words do not come out... In their place, a choked sob is everything that escapes him.

"Haruka?"

“Sorry…”

“It’s okay…”

“It’s not… You went through so much, Suo.”

“You've suffered too..."

"I have… But…"

Suo sighs again, but it sounds lighter in a way. He props up on his elbow and leans down to give him a soft, chaste kiss on his lips, brushing his thumb under his golden eye. His cheek is still dry, but Sakura's tears have already collected at the corners of his eyes.

"Don’t cry. I am okay, now. And, you are still here… That is enough for me.”

“Of course I am here. I love you, Suo. That won't ever change.”

“I love you, too. Now… It’s your turn, if I am not mistaken.”

Sakura wipes away the few tears still unshed in his eyes. If Suo wants to change the topic, Sakura is okay with that. He was already so brave and he is right... Now it is his turn to share his story.

“Okay, what do you want to know?”

“If you want, you could start by telling me how you ended up living alone in that sorry excuse of an apartment."

"Hey!" Sakura exclaims, feigning offence. Well, Suo is not wrong after all, he does live in a shitty place, but that is everything he can afford and it’s not like he even cares about living somewhere fancy. He just needs a tiny space to keep his stuff and lay a futon on the floor for the night. He knows his friends have been worried about his, let’s say, lack of means and that’s why his window has been repaired, the shower is now miraculously working adequately, his kitchen has been furbished with the essential stuff - even with a Microwave oven - and he has received a lot of gifts that have made his life easier. But Sakura has been spending so much time at Suo’s that really… he doesn’t care about his sorry excuse of an apartment . 

“It is not that bad.”

“Believe me, it is.” Suo deadpans.

“Okay… It is a mess…”

“What happened to you?”

“My story isn't good either... When I was born this way, my mother was... Maybe scared, or disgusted by the way I looked. After a few months, she abandoned me. She left a letter, she mentioned a curse or something... About my eyes, and my hair... Anyway, I grew up in a foster family that, for lack of better words, hated me. I often had nothing but a bowl of rice for dinner, and when I got sick, they would lock me in a shed, all alone, isolated from everyone, so as not to pass anything to my brothers and sisters. I got sick pretty often and stayed locked in for days. I couldn't have anything for myself... the other fostered kids took everything from me, so I learned to do without anything. I guess that stuck with me. When I got to middle school, it was the bullies’ turn to pick on me... But that's when I learned how to defend myself. I was so fed up, you know? So, I learned how to fight, and I realized that if I became stronger, it didn't matter what I looked like, it didn't matter that I was alone; no one would come near me to hurt me. So it didn’t matter to me that I had to live in that shitty apartment, I just wanted to climb to the top…”

“And then you landed here… and met Umemiya and the others.”

“Yeah… I did. And I met you, and you changed my world. You know what? I hated being locked up in that closet, too. But I was with you, and nothing else mattered. You are so important to me, Hayato…

"You are important to me as well. And I am sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude… but your place is really depressing. It speaks of loneliness and resignation. While here… Well, this place may be cozier and a decent home to live in, but it feels lonely at times as well."

“Lonely?” Sakura frowns, looking for Suo’s face in the dark.

“I like it here better when you are here with me.” The boy murmurs near his ear, making him shiver.

“Ah?”

Suo chuckles as he always does when he manages to get Sakura all flustered.

“What I am trying to say, Haruka, is that I wouldn’t mind if you spent more time here… possibly… every night?”

“Su… Hayato… What are you saying? Do you want me to… move in?”

“I do. That is what I am asking. I know it may be insane… but…”

“ Yes , I want that.”

“Really?” Suo has the nerve to sound amazed.

“Eh… It’s not like I need to think about it… If you are sure… I am gonna pack my stuff and move here tomorrow, first thing in the morning.”

Suo throws his arms around his neck and starts peppering his face with little kisses, giggling in excitement.

“ Am I sure? Are you kidding, right?”

“Stop it! Okay, okay, it is settled then! Suooo !!!”

Eventually, Suo pulls back, laughing so cutely and freely. What a lovely sound… Ah… Somehow, Sakura knows that everything will be fine as long as they stick together. They will heal together, help each other overcome their trauma. 

“Sakura-kun… You made me so happy… but…”

He suddenly becomes serious again. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong… I was just wondering… Are we going to tell the others?”

Sakura gives the matter the importance it deserves and thinks about it seriously for a few seconds. Then he gives Suo his considered answer.

“Can we keep it to ourselves for a while? You know them… They would barge in here all the time just to piss us off, and I want to spend time… with you. Alone.”

“Oh, but if that is what worries you, I am sure I could find a way to… discourage sudden visits.”

Sakura’s eyes narrow to a slit.

“What do you mean?” He asks, fearing what the answer may be already.

Suo clicks his tongue, then. Sakura can imagine the wicked smirk on his boyfriend’s handsome face even if he can't see it in the dark.

“Well, Haruka , I think that if they find us making out on the kitchen table, they will refrain from showing up uninvited. Don’t you agree?”

“ WWWHHHATTT ???”

Chapter Text

When the following morning, Sakura's eyes flutter open, he instinctively leans into the comforting presence of Suo's body next to him. This, he realizes, is one of the purest joys: to wake beside his boyfriend, inhaling the soothing scent of fresh linen and quiet cuddles. During the night, they had resumed their usual position: Suo lying on his back, and Sakura comfortably curled against him.

His hand rests upon Suo's chest, rising and falling with the soft, steady rhythm of his breath. Sakura tilts his head, his gaze tracing the serene curve of Suo's profile. As he always does, last night too, when he slipped into bed, Suo had changed his eyepatch; gone was the rigid leather he used during the day, replaced by a soft, white medical gauze—a compromise Suo had made to grace Sakura's presence at night. It wasn't necessary, in Sakura’s humble opinion. He had pleaded with him, countless times, to simply forgo it, but Suo, silently, steadfastly, remained uncomfortable revealing his missing eye. The void where an eye once was is something that, for now, has remained a private matter. After the party, they had talked at length in the darkness and peace of Suo's bedroom, which, now that he thinks about it, will soon become his bedroom too. The fact that he agreed to move in surges back into his mind, planting a huge smile on his face. Sakura can't wait to sleep like this every night and to wake up next to Suo before going to school in the morning.

He can't deny he's happy that Suo asked him, and he knows it wasn't out of pity for his less-than-ideal living situation. Sakura believed him when Suo said he prefers it when Sakura spends the night. For him, it's exactly the same, after all. He likes observing Suo perform all his little rituals, like steeping his tea, meditating in the early sun during the weekend, or executing all those fancy moves when he practices one of the several martial arts he masters.

Nothing physical had happened after they talked until the wee hours. The sudden, burning passion they felt when they were in the closet gave way to tenderness and a desire for cuddles and closeness. Sakura is still determined to discover what it means to have sex with his boyfriend, if Suo is interested as well. It's no longer some abstract concept people talk about as if they knew everything about it. Now he perceives it as something real and... possible. Right now, it feels like something he needs badly, now that Suo is beside him, soft and vulnerable in his sleep.

They have yet to broach this particular topic: last night, they mostly talked about their past and their future. It was amazing, and when they fell asleep, both were relaxed and peaceful.

Suo’s body is warm and inviting under the light fabric of his pajamas. Sakura plays with the first button of the top but doesn't open it. Of course, he doesn't. Suo mentioned something about consent last night, and Sakura did pay attention. So, he lets the heat of his growing desire burn him. It is a new sensation, and he savors it. It is a gift, after all, something he never thought he would experience. It is consuming him from inside, but it makes him feel alive. This deep need in his belly, this itch he needs to scratch, this fire running in his bloodstream. Everything he is experiencing is enhanced by the deep affection for the other boy that blooms in his chest, the special bond he feels he has with him, today stronger than it was yesterday.

He nuzzles deeper into the hollow of Suo's throat, a profound ache spreading in his chest. Suo has endured unimaginable horrors, a crucible of suffering that somehow dwarfs his own hurt from a childhood of neglect and bullying. His wounds, though serious, feel easily manageable, capable of healing, compared to Suo’s missing eye and everything behind it. They feel now like scratches more than deep cuts. Perhaps it's because Sakura has built a strong, thick armor, transforming his ability to endure the pain of punches and kicks into emotional resilience. Perhaps what Suo has been able to give him in the short time they've been friends and then boyfriends is filling the void he had in his heart.

Suo makes him feel loved.

Suo is the fresh water that Sakura can drink anytime he needs it, after years of unquenchable thirst.

But Sakura knows now that what was torn away from Suo can never be restored. Not fully. He wonders if he will ever be able to help Suo heal, to make him feel loved. For now, if Suo doesn't want to sleep alone, Sakura will sleep beside him every night. It is something tangible he can do for him, and Suo was so brave to voice his desire after all. Now he looks so peaceful. And incredibly beautiful.

Now that he thinks about it, it's the first time Sakura has woken up before Suo. He leans back and looks at his face, caressed by the light filtering through the curtains. The moment feels precious. He brushes his fingertips just under the delicate medical eyepatch on the fresh skin of his cheekbone. Again, his own horrible childhood, however problematic, pales in comparison to the monstrous acts inflicted upon Suo. A wave of helplessness washes over Sakura, and again, murderous instincts kick in. He desperately yearns to be Suo's unwavering pillar, a strength his boyfriend can truly lean upon. He presses his lips, a soft, reverent whisper, against the delicate skin of Suo's temple, feeling the steady, reassuring beat of his heart.

A low hum from Suo, stirring in his sleep, makes Sakura freeze.

"Haruka?" Suo's voice is a soft, sleep-laced question.

"Sorry… I didn't mean to wake you up." Sakura begins to pull back, a reflex of quiet apology, but Suo's arm wraps around his shoulder, drawing him back, impossibly closer.

"No, don't... please, stay." The words, a hushed plea, make Sakura comply with the tender request.

"Okay..." he whispers, melting back into the warmth Suo's embrace provides.

"Have you been awake long? You could have woken me..."

"No... just a few minutes." The lump in his throat deepens his voice, though Suo seems to attribute it to the grogginess of waking.

"I see... Um… How are you feeling? Last night was... pretty intense, wasn't it?"

His tone seems to aim at lightness, but Sakura can hear a hint of concern in his voice.

"Suo..." Sakura calls instead of answering.

"Yes? What happened to Hayato?"

"Riiiight... Hayato. Look, I just wanted to say that... I'm sorry..." Sakura's voice is a raw whisper, heavy with unspoken weight.

"Sorry? For what, Haruka?" Suo's voice is still gentle, but a touch of caution laces his words.

"I..." Sakura falters, searching for the right words, for an adequate explanation for the surge of emotion. He huffs in annoyance, unable to express himself, and Suo sighs.

"You should know by now that I don't want your pity, or anyone else's." Suo's voice hardens almost imperceptibly, a familiar shield rising. No, Sakura won't allow his boyfriend to shut himself off. Or think he pities him.

"And you should know, by now, it's not pity," Sakura retorts, his own voice gaining a desperate edge. "What I mean to say is that I'm sorry because I didn't... ask. All this time… It was clear you went through something terrible, but I thought I should give you space. I tried to respect your boundaries. I know we're together, but some things... had remained unspoken. I know. I kept to myself as well. I haven't told you about how and why I arrived here, and I don't know, I guess I like that last night we finally opened up to each other. I mean, sure, what happened to you still pisses me off... But I swear, Suo, nothing will happen to you from now on. Now, you have me to protect you." His voice, though still rough, resonates with fierce, unyielding resolve. He means his words. No one will ever lay a hand on his boyfriend again.

A soft chuckle rumbles in Suo's chest, a sound that vibrates through Sakura. "Oh, Haruka... you're so... sweet." He pauses, a gentle amusement in his voice. "Even though I hope I've proved to you that I can defend myself."

"Of course… Fuck, you are the strongest guy I know, Hayato," Sakura affirms, pressing closer, his words a fervent promise. "Sometimes you show a side of yourself that is quite terrifying. But what I mean is simply that you can count on me to watch your back. I'm not talking only about beating up assholes to protect this city. I'm talking about… If your family…"

"Ah… You don't have to worry about that. No one will come looking for me. My family lost interest in me, and they probably just want to forget I ever existed. It seems I have you now, though, so I'm not sad. You are my family, now."

"Uh... Am I?" Sakura likes the sound of it so much that he asks for confirmation out of some sort of self-satisfaction.

"Of course! And I'm yours, if you want."

"Nice... I've never had a real family, you know." He says, still a bit sheepishly.

"I will be honored to be that for you. And I'm glad you want to be mine. Thank you." The simple words, filled with an unspoken depth of acceptance, are all the reassurance Sakura needs. Suddenly, Suo, who had kept his gaze on the ceiling, turns and looks him in the eyes. Sakura sees a mischievous sparkle in his ruby-red iris.

"Anyway… Haruka-kun, I admit that I liked what you were doing."

"What…? What was I doing?"

"If I'm not mistaken, you were touching my face and you kissed me here." He taps his finger on his temple.

"I wasn't…!!" Sakura exclaims, panicking. But Suo is smiling at him, so maybe he isn't… mad?

"You sure, Haruka?"

"Okay, I was. Sorry…" He relents, hiding his face against Suo’s chest.

"Umm, why am I under the impression that you are overthinking it?"

"Uh?"

"I'm not sure, but… There is something that still escapes me. Yesterday… In that closet, you were… so open and responsive to my touch. Now it feels like you are retreating into your shell again. Am I doing something wrong? You can tell me…"

"Ah… no. You are doing nothing wrong. It's me… Not you. I mean, there must be something wrong with me. I feel this weird impulse…"

"Impulse?" Sakura’s face is obviously already as red as Suo’s favorite changshan. Well, it is Sakura's favorite, to tell the truth. Whatever. Is he really going to admit he wants Suo? Wants to touch him? Intimately? Well, he might as well confess how he feels now. He knows Suo won't be mad at him.

"I have always liked it when we kiss, or when you hold me like this. It makes me feel special… Cherished. But lately… I’ve been wanting more and..."

"Oh… I can give you more, Haruka,” Suo interrupts him, “I can give you whatever you want. If you want us to be intimate… It is fine with me. More than fine, believe me."

"Suo… You don't have to force yourself…"

The hand cradling his head and playing with the hair on his nape stops. Sakura hears Suo taking a deep breath before he moves that hand, resting it gently on Sakura's face. Suo turns his head then, and Sakura can see in Suo’s eye the same longing that has been keeping him awake at night.

"Alright... I detect a misconception here that, if you'll indulge me, I will try to clear up right now."

"A miscon… What?"

"Haruka, I want you. I thought I made that abundantly clear last night. I want you. What happened in the past... that belongs... in the past. It holds no sway. Now it's just us, you and me, and I am okay now. I trust you… I love you. And do you know what else is different?"

"What..." Sakura echoes, sounding stuck.

"That now I know what I desire, I understand what it means and entails, and I can emotionally handle my hunger for you. Because it is hunger I feel. I don't wish to impose any limit on what you can get from me, okay? The sole limit is what you truly want. If you're uncertain, if you require time, that's perfectly valid. I'm in no rush. But if these feelings you have, if you wish to act on them... Just tell me, and we will navigate whatever this may be for us together. If my past doesn't scare you, then I intend to be your future… Haruka." Sakura is left speechless for a few moments, that he spends looking at his boyfriend in awe. When he recovers, he closes his mouth and swallows.

"Why… Why would it make me scared... Of course, I want you to be my future."

"Haruka…”

“Yes?”

“Would you kiss me, now?”

"Ah… Y… yes.” Sakura hesitates. He isn't used to taking initiative, and the blunt request feels a bit too sudden. But he wants to kiss Suo so badly now, that he props on his elbow and leans in. Before their lips touch, Suo’s hand, still cradling his cheek, delicately stops him.

"Hey… We can stop whenever you need us to stop. Nothing has changed. We don't need to rush things. You will come to live here, right? So we will have time to get to know each other, we will spend every night together. So now just focus on kissing me. It’s okay…"

"Every night, huh? I like how it sounds."

"I like it too."

Finally, Sakura closes the distance between their mouth, pressing his lips against Suo’s. His boyfriend, though, ever the dominant one, is quick to roll them over and deepen the kiss.

It anything but chaste, or slow, or hesitant. Suo has never kissed him like this before. He shamelessly lies on top of him and proceeds to simply devour his mouth.

And thank goodness they were supposed to be taking it slow... Sakura is completely defenseless and succumbs to Suo's impetuous desire. It feels so damn good, and something catches fire in Sakura’s lower parts. Suo’s hands slip without hesitation under his clothes, caressing his bare skin, igniting it with a warm tingle that spreads throughout his entire body. Sakura has never been so overwhelmed by excitement. His dick is already fully hard and pressed between his own abdomen and Suo's flat, toned stomach. They go on like this for a while, kissing and rutting against each other. The constant stimulation makes him groan and buck his hips upward.

"Fuck... Suo... Wait..." To his credit, Suo stops immediately, looking down at him with his soft eye that is darker than usual.

"What's wrong... Do you need us to stop?"

"No... No, don't stop. Just… May we slow down? A little?" Suo chuckles, and Sakura can't believe his boyfriend still has the presence of mind to chuckle. Sakura is drowning in a sea of desire. His dick is throbbing, the heat accumulating in his belly feels dangerously on the verge of exploding, and okay, he doesn't want to embarrass himself. Even if Sakura wants to release that scorching heat and have his pleasure engulf him, get the relief he knows you get when... when... Shit, he wants to come, he needs to tip over the edge, and at the same time, he's too mortified to let go. Suo hasn't even touched him there, so is it possible he could come just with a few kisses and caresses?

In a surge of unexpected courage, a raw, physical display, Sakura thrusts his hips, reversing their positions in one swift motion. He rolls them over again, landing atop Suo, who gasps, momentarily winded, beneath the sudden, delightful weight of his boyfriend.

"Ah, Haruka..."

"Shut up, it's my turn." Sakura straddles him, and with hands that tremble with anticipation, he begins to unbutton Suo's top. "I want... I want to see you. Can I?"

"Alright, I'm all yours." Suo's voice is a low, husky rumble.

"Don't say that! What the hell?"

"Well, it's true," Suo says, looking too cheeky for Sakura’s liking. To emphasize his point, Suo brings his arms over his head and smiles at him.

"If you don't cut the crap, I swear..." Sakura sighs without completing the empty threat, and, with unsure fingers, proceeds to open the top, a bit clumsily. Shit... It's not that he'd never seen Suo shirtless, but this feels so different, so intense and deliberate. But when he gets about halfway through the buttons, he stops. His trembling hands are making the task impossible.

Suo's hands rise to meet Sakura's, catching their nervous shaking. "Hey... there's no reason to be nervous. Wait, let me help you."

Suo sits up, and with a single, fluid movement, he pulls off his top, discarding it without a thought. Then, his fingers find the hem of Sakura's shirt, pulling it upward, exposing the pale canvas of Sakura's skin and the soft, pink nubs of his nipples. For a few charged moments, their gazes lock, drinking each other in, lingering on toned muscles, on the raw beauty now displayed.

"You're... beautiful," Sakura breathes, his hand reaching out, tracing the skin near Suo's navel, eliciting a faint twitch in his sculpted abs.

"Ah…” “Sor…”

“No, it’s okay. Come here, Haruka."

Suo wraps his arms around Sakura's waist, pulling him closer. Sakura shifts, settling onto Suo's lap, his bare legs wrapping possessively around Suo's body. It's a decidedly intimate embrace, amplified by the naked skin-to-skin contact, and by the way Suo is looking at him as if he means to devour him whole. Like a predator who has finally cornered his prey in the sanctuary of his den, ready to savor every exquisite morsel.

"Is this okay?" Suo's voice, though soft, is laced with an unmistakable promise.

"Yes." Sakura whispers, softly, but firmly.

"Can I kiss you?"

Sakura scowls at him, "Hey… Don't ask permission for everything." His little outburst makes Suo giggle in delight. You can count on Sakura not being able to maintain delicate behavior for more than a minute.

"Oh, well, I'm sorry, but I need to be sure you want this.”

“I fucking want this. This… this is okay. I don't want to... stop."

"Alright, thanks for clearing that up. Even so, I might need to check on you again, going forward. And Haruka,” he warns him, “ I need you to tell me if I do something you don't like." Sakura honestly doubts Suo could do anything to displease him. Suo's hands, anchoring him against his back, are warm and strong, his smile a reassuring balm, his scent a heady, intoxicating cloud surrounding them. Sakura's hands glide slowly up Suo's arms, along the sculpted lines of his shoulders, then interlace behind Suo's neck, pulling him gently closer to him, nesting his head in the juncture of his neck.

A slow smile spreads across Suo's face as he draws Sakura nearer, planting a feather-light kiss on his shoulder. Then, a trail of moist, fervent kisses follows the line of his throat, reaching the sensitive base of his neck. Suo latches his mouth behind the soft spot behind his ear, sucking deep. Haruka's back arches in response, a soft, involuntary moan escaping his lips. Suo smirks against the reddening skin, then proceeds to leave a constellation of hickey marks along his neck until Sakura is a trembling mess in his lap.

When, likely unintentionally and in response to a particularly sharp bite, Sakura bucks his hips forward, their cocks grind together, a sudden, electric friction. Suo releases a rather obscene, guttural groan, and Sakura freezes. Suo's hands slide down, gripping Sakura's buttocks, pressing him gently, purposefully, against his throbbing groin. He is… hard, and… big. Sakura shudders, moaning.

"Haruka... Can you feel what you do to me?" Sakura lifts his head and crashes their mouths together in a kiss decidedly wilder, dirtier than any they've shared, and begins to grind against Suo's cock shamelessly, small gasps and whimpers torn from him with every sway of his hips. Under his boyfriend's firm touch, a dizzying pleasure surges through Sakura, culminating in an explosive climax that leaves him gasping, his hips twitching, a warm, sticky mess blooming in his boxer briefs. Completely spent by the strength of his pleasure, Sakura sags against Suo’s body, who wraps his arms around him, whispering gentle nothingness in his ear, until, with an almost reverence, he gently lays Sakura back down, his movements unhurried as he peels away the soiled underwear.

Sakura is still panting and has raised an arm to cover his face, embarrassed by how fast he came. "I'm sorry..." Sakura whispers, his voice thick with a flush of mortification.

A soft chuckle rumbles from Suo as his hands trail, lingering, along Sakura's inner thighs. Sakura tries instinctively to clamp his legs together, feeling utterly exposed and vulnerable. He is stark naked, while Suo is kneeling between his legs, still wearing his pajama pants.

Taking pity on his visible discomfort, Suo deftly takes off his own pajama pants before kneeling again next to Sakura and giving his full attention to his softening erection. Conversely, he is painfully hard, his cock standing proud and defiant and in need of being touched.

"Hey… There’s no need to be embarrassed, Haruka-kun. You were breathtaking while you were coming in your underwear."

"Ah??" Haruka all but yells, lifting his arm and meeting Suo’s lust-filled eye. He takes in his naked body, his hard, neglected cock, and his mismatched eyes go comically wide.

“Ah, you... You're hard... should I…?”

"Wait, let me clean you up first, okay?" Sakura nods, expecting Suo to get up and disappear into the bathroom for a cloth. Instead, without a flicker of hesitation, Suo dives in, his tongue laving at Sakura's soft cock. Sakura yelps, a startled sound.

"What are you doing! That’s… gross!" Suo pulls off with an admittedly obscene slurping sound and lets out yet another chuckle.

"Nothing about you is gross to me, Haruka." Suo's voice is a low, seductive murmur, his gaze fixed on Sakura's rapidly re-hardening shaft. "May I continue?" Well… Now that he looks at his boyfriend, kneeling on the bed and with his face a few inches from his cock, he can’t really bring himself to refuse his offer.

"I... I mean, if you're sure." The words are barely a breath.

In response, Suo dips down again, taking almost his entire length deep into his mouth, his tongue swirling around the sensitive head and along the throbbing underside. Sakura seems unable to refrain from moving his hips, even though not forcefully at all. A gentle, undulating rocking that is more than welcome by Suo, who hums around the girth. The inarticulate sounds tearing from Sakura's throat are not words, but guttural pleas that only seem to spur Suo deeper, more insistent until Sakura’s cock is touching the back of his throat, making him gag a little.

“Hayato…, fuck, wait…” Suo pulls back and watches him with a glint in his eye that Sakura has never seen there. It’s dark and desperate.

“Haruka, I want to…”

“Yes, please…”

"Are you sure?"

Sakura blushes quite violently and his voice comes out as a whisper. "Is it gonna hurt? I mean, not that I'm afraid of pain, but..." Suo lies on top of him, cupping his face. Their naked bodies pressed together feel amazing, and Sakura moans again. "Uhm... Of course you aren't, my love. But don't worry, it won't hurt, I'll make sure of it. I'll make you feel good, I promise."

“You too.”

“Um?”

“I wanna you to feel good too.” Surprisingly, Sakura utters those words firmly, not shying away from Suo’s gaze. He is still blushing, but that is not really avoidable, given the current predicament Sakura is in.

“Of course. Now give me a moment, I need to get what we need.”

“You have it?” Okay, that was a stupid question, but Suo tilts his head to the side, smiling.

“Of course, I didn't want to be caught unprepared.” Sakura blushes a bit more and averts his eyes, a little pout on his mouth.

“Okay…” Suo’s warmth is then gone, just to be back a few moments later. He doesn’t waste any time and resumes kissing Sakura with the same unbridled passion as before. Sakura abandons himself to his care completely, relaxing his legs and opening them a bit more, to make room for Suo’s body, blanketing his own.

When Suo reaches between them with his lube-slicked fingers, gently touching the space between his balls and his tight, pink hole, Sakura freezes. Suo breaks the kiss and smiles down at him.

"I know it is cold, I need it, though. Relax for me, and keep breathing, okay?" Sakura nods his head a bit too quickly, looking like a startled cat.

"You're doing so well, my love."

"Ah... I like it..."

"Hm... it'll get better."

"No, I meant when you call me that."

"How, 'my love'?"

"Yes."

"You are, Haruka. I love you so much." And saying so, Suo breaches him with a single finger until his knuckles touch Sakura's ass. Sakura gasps and throws back his head. Suo sees two fat tears escape his eyes.

"Breathe, Haruka..."

"Hayato... Oh God..."

"Tell me… Are you okay?"

"Yes, yes, I'm okay, keep going. Come on, I am not gonna break…" Reassured by Sakura’s needy, albeit a bit rude, begging, Suo complies and starts fingering him with expert, precise movements, making him discover a new kind of pleasure. When he finally brushes against Sakura's sweet spot, Sakura literally goes wild, starting to moan and squirm underneath him. Suo can't believe he's allowed to have Haruka like this, giving himself to him completely. He steals his mouth in another kiss, wet and deep, and when he's got finally three fingers deep inside him, he deems him ready for his cock. He's so quick at pulling off his fingers and wearing a condom that Sakura calls his name, urgently, just once, and Suo is already there, pushing inside him again. Sakura opens his eyes and his mouth, while Suo steadily fills him, burying himself in his tight heat.

“Oh God, Hayato, Suo… move!” Suo can’t help but laugh, but he obeys nonetheless and starts rolling his hips and Sakura… Sakura takes him perfectly, snaking his arms around his neck and yanking him down to clash their mouth together again. He keeps moaning and holding him close, but Suo manages somehow to make it work. He is close, while Sakura has already come. Still, he seems not to be able to last much longer than Suo, because suddenly he is cumming again between their stomach, convulsing under him. Suo can’t hold back anymore and follows him, spilling profusely into the condom and collapsing on top of his boyfriend. After a couple of minutes, Sakura taps on his shoulder.

“Yes, Haruka?”

“You're crushing me, could you get up?” Suo groans and bangs his head against Sakura’s shoulder.

“Yes, of course.”

“Hayato?”

“Yes?” Suo answers, while lifting his weight from Sakura’s body.

“It was incredible. Thank you.”

“Thank you, Sakura. You are incredible.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too… Um… I have a question, though.”

“A question?”

"Yes… You can say no, of course. How would you feel if I asked you to do it to me?"

"Do what to you?" Sakura scrunches his face in confusion, and Suo… would eat him up. He is too adorable.

"I want you to fuck me, Haruka. What else?" Suo explains, looking down at him with a patient smile on his lips. Sakura’s face, as expected, quickly morphs into an expression of disbelief, panic, and wonder, all mixed together, before, in the end, panic takes over.

"WHAT??? Are you kidding, right???"

“Nope, no kidding.” Suo smiles mischievously at him before leaning in to calm his panicky boyfriend down. With filthy kisses , that is, a lot of them, until Sakura finally gets on board with the idea of fucking his boyfriend stupid. 

Possibly on the kitchen table, too.