Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Lee Chan's fingers hung over his mouse, the blinking cursor on his laptop hovering over the 'refresh' button in the corner of the screen. He had been continuously clicking it since six in the morning to deep into the afternoon, rays of light peeked through his slightly open blinds, illuminating the dimly lit room as Chan continued to run back and forth to his laptop after every errand he completed, from washing his own dirty laundry and even his roommate's, to hoovering and mopping the small dorm; he attempted every possible thing to avoid sitting anxiously at his desk and just waiting. He hated waiting.

A couple months ago, he had placed a request for a scholarship at an university in New York, the well renowned Julliard. He was aware that his chances to get into the school were slim, and his chance of getting a full scholarship was even slimmer, but he hoped his long list of experiences and rewards would somehow give him a better shot in attending one of the most prestigious universities in the Performing Arts field.

The sun had begun its descent by the time Chan slipped back into his wooden chair that rocked and creaked whenever he slightly adjusted his position. He could feel a light tremor in his hand as he pushed his index finger down on the button, a light clicking noise filled the silence choking him.

It wasn't until the website sprang to life and shouted: 'you've got mail' that Chan's shoulders relaxed and he let out a breath he didn't remember holding.

In his inbox, a single unread email glinted back at him, its sender the person he had been waiting to hear from all day. With a slight shake in his breath, he moved his cursor over the email; Chan's own heartbeat overwhelmed his senses, the heavy thumps of blood rushing to his brain and the uncomfortable perspiration of his palms.

Before allowing himself to click on the dreaded message, he ran a shaky hand through his dyed hair, making a quick note to cut it soon as his roots started to peek through the dyed blond and the length just reached his shoulders. With a quick wipe of his hands against his jeans, Chan internally attempted to hype himself up, a usually foolproof way of getting himself to feel more confident in any situation. It was now, however, not working. 

With a burst of confidence, Chan pushed his finger against the button, his entire screen lighting up with a block of white while a small, blue loading symbol spun around in the centre. It wasn't long until something loaded, but Chan was a little more than disappointed when a pixelated dinosaur and text that read that he had no Internet appeared.

Chan's eyes widened and his hands quickly grabbed at the sides of his laptop, shaking it lightly and whispering quiet curses at the dormitory's wifi for being so bad. His small tantrum is quickly paused by the sound of a key being pushed into his door's lock, before it swung open. Chan watched from his chair as the door handle smacked into the wall, the once small dent in the wall growing bigger with every slam.

Chwe Hansol, an American exchange student who the girls in college paid more attention to then the lessons themselves, bursted through the door, a stack of green crates held in his arms. Chan couldn't quite see what were in the crates but assumed it was an alcohol of sort, either way he assumed it was obviously heavy from the beads of sweat on Hansol's face and the way the veins in his arms popped out angrily under the pressure.

He watched from his chair silently as Hansol dropped the crates onto a bed filling the room with a cacophany of glass bottles smacking together, the entire bed frame wobbled and creaked under the sudden weight of the drinks.

"I hope you're planning on moving those from my bed." Chan stated calmly, he crossed his arms and leaned back on his chair, his eyes stuck onto Hansol's shocked expression who had obviously not seen the younger man in his journey from the door to the bed. He nodded softly, grunting while picking up the crates again, lugging them over to his own bed which whined out in response.

A little winded, Hansol ran his hand through his dark, brunette hair before taking a seat on the edge of his own bed, sighing gently from his impromptu work out session. 

Hansol had moved to South Korea only a year prior, his Korean was good but lacking in certain situations and somehow he had almost the entire female student body throwing themselves at him while still staying single for the entirety of his time living there. Although it wasn't like he could exactly comment on Hansol's relationship status when Chan himself would rather spend his time cooped up in a dance studio then going out meeting potential dates.

It wasn't until Hansol shifted in his seat uncomfortably that Chan had noticed his was staring, or rather zoning out, in his direction. "What?" He asked.

Chan blinked at his question, gaze drifting back to the crates sitting on the bed beside the older boy. "What's with all the bottles?" He asked, raising an eyebrow in his direction.

Hansol's mouth morphed into the shape of an 'o', his focus flicking between Chan and the dozens of bottles beside him. He ran another hand through his hair, he did that a lot when he was nervous, or tired, or doing literally anything where he was idle for too long. It was a surprise that his hair wasn't always greasy. "I ran into Soonyoung on the way up, he passed me these and told me to bring them to a party in like an hour, ran off shouting that his mom would kill him if he kept them." He shrugged, knocking one of his arms into the crates. "Didn't get much of a choice."

Chan scrunched up his face in confusion wondering how the two things could be related. "Soonyoung stays in the room below us, unless his mom is visiting, why would he need to get rid of it?" Hansol shrugged again, repositioning himself to let his bad rest against the white wall. "Also since when were you two friends? It's not like your social circles exactly overlap other than with me."

"We're not." Hansol stated simply, his hands fished into his back pocket for his phone which he placed gently on the nightstand, sighing softly. "He's been trying to invite me to parties since I first got here though, I'm assuming this is just a ploy to get me there finally." He nudged the crate with his foot, a soft clashing of glass ringing out. Chan hummed in response, turning back to his long forgotten laptop screen, the pixelated dinosaur still looking back at him. He furrowed his brows as he remembered what awaited him, he refreshed the page for the final time, holding his breath while it reloaded.

Within the time that the page took to load, Hansol had moved from his bed to stand behind Chan, clearly curious about what was stressing out the younger boy so much. It took a few more seconds until the entire email appeared before them, and it wasn't long until worry turned into disappointment when both of their gazes focused on the word 'unfortunately' opening up the long email explaining that he would not be getting the scholarship that would change his life in all the ways that mattered.

Defeated, Chan sighed and lowered his screen, the email still lighting up against the keyboard before closing shut with a thud. A sudden hand rested on his shoulder, squeezing sympathetically in an act of comforting. "I'm alright, just a little disappointed." He frowned and traced the Windows logo on his laptop, the material shiny and smooth under his fingertips.

Hansol sighed loudly, squeezing his shoulder once again while he tried to form the right words to say. "I know you weren't expecting to get in, and that this entire thing was sort of a shot in the dark. But I really thought you were going to be able to do it, you're unbelievably talented."

Chan chuckled dryly, but still smiled, thankful for the compliment. "Thanks hyung, but I think I just want to move past it. There'll be plenty of other schools I can go to, just would've been cool if I could've gone there." He smiled weakly, shrugging his shoulders and making Hansol drop his hand to his side, a small frown on his face.

Without saying anything, Hansol moved over to his bed and pulled off the top crate from the pile, bottles shaking and smacking together. He silently walked over to Chan and dumped it on his lap, earning a surprised grunt from the smaller of the two. "What was that for?"

"You saw me walking in here, I'm gonna need help lugging this to their apartment. They're not even students, I can't carry these all the way to their place." Hansol whined, dropping to his knees and bowing in a mock attempt of begging. Chan moved his leg to kick at him, missing barely by a few inches which earned a laugh from the older roommate. "Is that a yes?"

Chan sighed dramatically, and placed his fingers into the handles of the box, heaving it up with another loud, exasperated sigh. "...Yes."

Hansol stood up quickly and wrapped his arms around Chan's neck, squeezing tightly while repeating 'thank you' continuously until the younger one landed a light kick to the boy's shin to get him off. 

It was strange to see his roommate with so much energy, usually whenever they saw each other it would be Chan's job to keep the excitement levels high. Never the other way around. It quickly occurred to him that this could be Hansol's attempt at comforting him, that he felt that it was his job to hold up the energy in their interactions, the gesture made Chan's heart feel warm and a geniune smile graced his face.

***

It took them around twenty minutes to navigate themselves out of the university and to the party host's apartment. Thankfully for Hansol, Chan had visited the place a few times before engaging in a little partying thanks to his own friends inviting him, he made a mental note to go looking for them when it began, he was certain that they would show up at some point.

On the fifth floor of an elevator-less apartment complex, the two exhausted roommates shuffled down the hallway, pausing just outside of a door, music already blaring from inside.

Just as Hansol shifted the crate in his arms to allow him to knock on the door, Chan stopped him, quickly stepping in front and guarding it. Hansol furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, readjusting the box's placement in his arms to be more comfortable. "Just before you go in, don't drink anything that's not in a bottle or can, don't go into any of the bedrooms and uh- Stay safe?" His tone shifted into a question, a worried smile on his face while he watched his roommate nod slowly, an obvious hint of apprehension in his expression.

Chan placed his crate on top of Hansol's and raised his fist to knock on the door, giving his friend a quick glance before smacking his knuckles against the wood roughly before moving his other hand to the doorknob, pushing it open sharply. 

The smell of alcohol and weed poured out of the door, a thick fog of smoke creeping out with it. Chan noticed a quiet cough behind him which he decided to ignore, this was something Hansol was going to have to get used to if he planned to stay more than ten minutes.

It was barely a few seconds until arms crept around Chan, pulling him past the threshold with Hansol close behind, grunting quietly over the large load in his hands. Initially, Chan had planned on helping him carry them in, but the current arms holding him tightly thwarted his attempts on actually being helpful. 

It took him a few seconds to recognise the person embracing him, his hair a bright shade of red compared to his usual brown. Yoon Jeonghan, current resident of the very apartment they were stood in, college dropout but easily one of the most memorable students. Most students knew who he was, even if they joined after he left they would have an idea of the infamous partier and player Yoon Jeonghan. 

Chan took a moment to look around the room, spotting a few people he recognised dotted around a small crowd, it was still early and the place still looked overcrowded. It always did.

He quickly pulled himself out of Jeonghan's clutch, wanting to speak to him face to face rather than being smothered by his long hair. "I missed you at the last couple parties, so happy you could make it." The older boy almost sung, trying to take him in for another hug, which he quickly dismissed.

"Yeah, I've been busy with practicing. Trying to get into those high level schools remember?" 

This made Jeonghan frown, a reaction Chan wasn't expecting. "Yeah, I do. Just wish you could come see us more often, and in a different setting." Us. Chan was never sure how Jeonghan's roommate and occasional 'fuck buddy' actually felt about him, if he actually liked him or just tolerated him because of Jeonghan. Same applied for his other roommate, if you could even call him that, he rarely slept at his own place anymore apparently, sneaking out after everyone had gone to sleep to stay over in the dorms. Chan spotted both of the residents in the corner of the room, chatting over a couple bottles of beer. Choi Seungcheol, and Hong Jisoo both ex-students and Jeonghan's long-time best friends. They had all had relations with each other at some point in their friendship, whether one at a time or all together, but there was something explosive about whenever they did get together, something about their personalities would be that it would always end in a shitshow, usually at one of these very parties.

Jeonghan had apparently been talking because he gives a look that says 'are you even listening to me?' to which Chan frowns at and chuckles, a little embarassed. "Sorry, what?"

He sighed before repeating himself, crossing his arms over his chest. "I asked why you were looking for schools? You're only in your second year."

Chan frowned slightly, stepping backwards to lean against the wall next to the door, a sigh passing through his lips. "I just want something more than this." He threw his arms forward and ran a hand through his hair. "It's nice here, I have friends, I'm at the top of all the classes that matter to me. But..." His voice trailed, gaze dropping to the ash-coloured, plank floor.

It wasn't long before arms tucked around him again, a soft squeeze following before Jeonghan moved back away, a sympathetic smile adorning his face. "I get it, kid. Hell, I left that place to try and get on with my life, and look where that's getting me," he said, gesturing to the growing crowd forming in his living room. "Don't feel too bad if you do end up having to stay there. Getting you your qualifications first might be a good idea before trying to continuously apply everywhere. Trust me, people prefer to take in students than dropouts." He sighed gently, rubbing his hand against his neck. "It won't always be easy, but it will be worth it."

Chan nodded slowly, smiling gently in the elder's direction and remembering that he left Hansol to fend for himself during his first college party. "Sorry, I've got to go get my friend." He whipped his head side to side, trying to identify Hansol anywhere in the crowd.

Jeonghan nodded understandingly, making his way to his own friends. "Oh, and Chan," He waited for Chan too look back at him before continuing. "Don't be a stranger." He smiled weakly before turning away, a pang of guilt left in Chan's chest.

He didn't let Jeonghan's comment bother him too much as he pushed through the people who seemed to have tripled in number since he had last looked. It was looking impossible to find Hansol in this crowd, for all he knew he could've gone home in this time. Chan searched for a quiet corner to check his phone in, his only notifications being from his friends asking if he was planning to show up at the party or spam from the various games he had downloaded. He had considered calling Hansol, but doubted that he would pick up if he was still in the mess of crowd that was the apartment.

A few seconds after shoving his phone back into his pocket, a loud and familar voice shouted out over all of the noise. The words slightly slurred but excited while it drew closer. 

Happy to see him, Kim Mingyu who currently lived in the dorm beside him lunged for Chan, knocking him over and curling his arms around his body. A tight embrace that was almost impossible to break out of.

"Hey Mingyu... You drunk?" He asked, trying to wriggle out of the larger boy's hold, who only tightened his grip. They were currently a large tripping hazard, especially for a bunch of drunk young adults.

"A little."

Chan sighed and lied defeated under the elder's hold. "Can we get off the floor, people drop drinks all the time and I don't want one in my face."

Quickly, Mingyu picked himself and Chan up off the floor, mumbling a quick sorry before throwing himself back at the boy, hugging him tightly, now upright. "I missed you Chan-ie." He pouted, rocking backwards and forth.

Chan hesitantly patted his drunk friend's back, rubbing it slightly to console him. "Yeah, I missed you too hyung." This only made Mingyu hold him tighter, breathing becoming suddenly difficult. "Can you let go of me now, please."

Mingyu reluctantly let go, frowning at the request while Chan tried to scan the room again, looking for his disappeared roommate. "Who are you looking for?"

"My roommate," he answered bluntly, still looking around. "He's brunette, tall-ish, alright looking." Mingyu furrowed his brow in confusion, most guys there fit that description. "Oh, and he's American."

Mingyu seemed to have light up at the last note, his hand grasping around Chan's wrist, tugging him to the bedroom at the end of the hall, the door slightly ajar. 

The room was like every bedroom at a party, random couples making out in corners and on beds, the odd few playing drinking games and bodies passed out on the floor. Chan looked over at Mingyu to ask him why he had brought him there until his eyes landed on the furthest corner, in which Jeonghan's roommate, Jisoo, was making out with someone, more specifically Chwe fucking Hansol.

"What the fuck!" Chan exhaled, grabbing at Mingyu's arm for support. He looked towards him, eyes widened in surprise. "What the fuck?" Mingyu shrugged his shoulders and chuckled quietly, his hand resting on the younger's shoulder. 

He wasn't thinking, his legs moved independantly towards the couple, confusion and a weird amount of anger boiling through him. He grasped at Hansol's shoulder, forcing his body to face him. What the fuck.

That wasn't Chwe fucking Hansol. That was just a random fucking guy. Not a random guy, Soonyoung's friend, Seokmin or something like that. 

Chan quickly stepped away, extremely embarassed for breaking up their moment for, apparently, no reason. "Oh my god, I am so sorry. I thought you were someone else." He covered his face with his hands, accidently almost tripping over someone passed out on the floor. The couple seemed a little shocked but didn't seem to really care, turning back to each other, mouths already smacking against the other's without much thought.

The first face he saw when he turned around was Hansol's, or rather Mingyu holding a nervous Hansol ransom with a huge grin on his face. "I found him!" He grinned widely.

"Yeah, thanks." Chan muttered holding his lip in his mouth with his teeth. He grabbed at Hansol's arm, pulling him out of the door and down the corridor heading for the exit. "Let's go."

Unexpectedly, Hansol pulled at him to stop, bringing them into a slightly quieter spot with Mingyu lingering close behind. A little tired of his shadow, Chan turned to the crowd and pointed in a random direction with a faux shocked expression. "Look, it's Wonwoo!" He exclaimed in Mingyu's direction.

"Where?" He replied quickly, trying to follow his finger. After obviously not finding him in the crowd, he looks back at Chan, a determined look on his face. "I'll be right back." And he ran off into the crowd looking for his boyfriend who was probably sound asleep back at his own dorm.

"What's up? I thought you'd want to leave?" Chan asked, crossing his arms.

Hansol frowned and bit his lip, looking towards the ground. "I do, it's just that when your friend grabbed me I was talking to someone and I want to find him first, just to like say goodbye and stuff." Seemed innocent enough.

Chan turned around, looking around the room incase Mingyu came running back and decided to chase him for lying about the whereabouts of his boyfriend. "Who was he, what did he look like, and where were you with him?"

Overwhelmed by the amount of questions, Hansol frowned and ran his hand through his hair. Again. "Uh... Not sure, dyed blond hair but more orange-y than yours, like the same height as you... ish? Was wearing jeans and t-shirt. I think? And we were in the kitchen." Chan blinked dumbfounded at his description, shocked that someone could be so oblivous to his surroundings. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Chan clapped his hands together, noise drowned out by the loud music in the background. "Okay, so, change of plans. We're going to walk around and you..." He pushed his finger towards Hansol's chest, tapping it once. "You will be looking around for him, and if we can't find him in ten minutes, then this is a bust and we're going home and you can like google him or something." 

Just as planned, Chan grabbed onto Hansol's wrist and lead him around the apartment trying to find the mystery boy. It took around five minutes and a dozen of 'I can never un-see that's until they found the boy, who was tucked up in a corner looking a little worried and upset while his eyes scanned the room.

Hansol practically ran towards him, waving his hand and detaching from Chan's grip. Making him pick up his own pace.

"Hansol, hey!" The boy smiled, standing up to see him. He had a bottle of water in his hand, either trying to sober someone up or is waiting for a friend. Either way, depressing position to be in.

"Hi, I was just about to leave and I wanted to give you my number? Like, just so we can meet up again." He grinned a little too wide, Chan flickered his gaze between the boy and Hansol, feeling a little bit like he was third wheeling somehow. "It's cool if you don't want to." He quickly added to sound less desperate.

The boy quickly agreed, and they exchanged numbers sharing smiles and light laughing. "Alright, cool. Really good to meet you, Seungkwan!" The other boy grinned, and sat back down a hint of disappointment on his face.

Chan groaned quietly, cursing himself for being such a considerate person. "Hey... Seungkwan, was it? We're clearly about to leave and if you want you can come with us, I don't mind, really. And I'm certain Hansol won't mind either." He smiled, offering a hand for the boy to use to stand up.

Seungkwan looked like he was about to accept it before he dropped his hand to his side, looking back towards a crowd in the middle of the room. "I wish I could. Really. But I told my friend that I'd come, and I feel too bad to just leave him."

There was a noticable amount of disappointment on both Hansol and Seungkwan's faces as they looked towards each other, both of which made Chan want to throw up and cry at the same time. "Well, whoever it is who invited you is clearly going to be fine by themselves as they are literally not with you now. You look absolutely miserable, you don't even have to hang out with us, I'm more than happy to just walk you back to your room for all I care." Reluctantly, Seungkwan stood up and followed them out of the party, a few 'thank you's thrown out while they walked. 

They were barely halfway down the stairs when a loud thumping of footsteps came rushing towards them. Chan gritted his teeth together and braced for impact, immediately knowing who's face was about to appear behind him.

"Lee Chan, you lying bastard." Mingyu threw himself at the boy, shaking him backwards and forth. Chan made an observation that his voice was more slurred than it was earlier, and his gaze was more lazy. "Wonwoo was not there, and when I came back to find you, you were also not there."

Chan attempted to show a shocked face, which only seemed to rile up Mingyu more who shook him more violently. "I really did think I saw him, hyung! And you were gone for so long that I thought you found him." He sighed, and looked down, pretending to feel guilty. 

"Oh." Was all he could say, letting go of his shoulders and instead resting his hands on them. "I ran into Seungcheol while looking for him, and he gave me a drink that smelt bad, so I had to try it. Maybe I passed out."

Chan pointed towards him and widened his eyes. "Maybe that was it, would explain why we couldn't find you either." He looked back at the two boys behind him who nodded in agreement almost instinctively.

Mingyu seemed to deflate, before literally jumping with joy, he wrapped his arms back around Chan, a huge grin on his face. What was with people and hugging him tonight? "You do care about me! I love you too, Chan-ie" 

"Alright, you're okay too, I guess." He smiled, patting his hyung's back. "We're about to leave now though, so you can either come with us and we can try and sober you up or you can go back to the party."

Assessing his options, Mingyu let go of Chan and glanced back towards the staircase. Just when he thought he was about to leave, Mingyu started putting up some of his fingers on each hand, confusing the three boys watching him.

It wasn't until around thirty seconds into the odd finger counting that Chan worked out what he was doing, a pros and cons list for each option. The idea of it made him chuckle to himself, he always liked that about Mingyu. How quickly Chan could work out what he was thinking because he wore his emotions so plainly on his face, of course it was exaggerated by alcohol but even a sober Mingyu was easy to read.

A minute or so of counting fingers later and Mingyu wrapped his arms tightly around Chan, once again knocking all the air out of his body. He assumed by the sheer intensity of the hug that it was a goodbye one, drunk Mingyu was definitely a touchy and emotional guy, but at least he was harmless.

"Okay, Chan-ie! I'm coming with you." He flopped him arm around the back of Chan's neck, pulling him down the stairs. "Oh and you need to introduce me to your new friend."

Chan gave a quick glance back to the two dumbfounded boys behind them, giving them a flash of a smile before beckoning them to follow.

Apparently carrying a six foot twenty-one year old was quite the work out. Chan had expected it to be rather easy getting back to their dorm with the amount of energy radiating from Mingyu, but by the time they had gotten to the bottom of Jeonghan's building's staircase he had turned into a deadweight clinging onto him for support.

By the time they had reached his front door, it felt like he was about to snap in two lugging up a half-concious Mingyu up three flights of stairs. Hansol and Seungkwan were still loosely following behind, engaging in small chatter while watching the, what looked like, wrestling match between the two boys.

Chan pushed his key through the lock, turning it quickly and sharply pushing open the door, the handle hitting its usual dent while he pulled Mingyu's body into his room. He dumped the drunk male's body onto his bed, rushing to get him a bottle of water as an attempt of sobering up. "You're so nice to me, Chan-ie" He smiled between chugs of water. "It's a surprise that you don't have a girlfriend yet, or even a boyfriend." Chan chuckled dryly, and pushed the hair sticking to Mingyu's forehead back.

"My focus isn't on getting a girlfriend, or boyfriend. I'm only focused on—"

"—Your future." Mingyu sighed, pushing himself up from his lying down position to sit against the wall. "There's no harm in having fun though. I mean, look at Wonwoo. He is in an amazing relationship with the hottest guy in the world and he's still the top of all of his classes. He's even been offered a scholarship to go to fucking MIT." 

Chan's eyes widened, and a smile grew onto his face. "He got into MIT? That's insane."

Mingyu huffed, giving a disapproving look back at him. "Yeah it is, but you didn't agree with me."

"...About what?"

"That I'm the hottest guy in the world."

Chan laughed and sat beside his friend placing a hand on his shoulder. "Kim Mingyu, you are definitely not the hottest guy in the world."

"Fuck you."

***

Chan woke up relatively early the next day with a completely knocked out Mingyu sprawled over him, his arm holding him down tightly. Attempting to not wake up the boy that was practically smothering him with his bicep, Chan glanced over to the other side of the room, surprised to see Hansol asleep in his own bed.

Last night it was just Mingyu and Chan in their room, Chan had assumed Hansol had ran off with Seungkwan when they arrived, he silently cursed him for leaving him, but quickly let it go on the realisation he probably would've done the same if he was in his situation.

Slowly, Chan creeped out from underneath Mingyu's arm, his body now sprawled out across Chan's bed like a drunk starfish. He quickly ran over to grab his phone, snapping a photo and sending it to Wonwoo, pairing it with a quick congratulations for getting into MIT.

Growing bored of his company's unconsciousness, Chan sat himself in front of his laptop pulling it open and only remembering what was last on it when the email sent the day before gleamed back at him. He had forgotten all about the rejection due to the excitement of the night prior, he brushed his gaze over all the writing, reading it fully for the first time.

It was definitely a rejection email, but what was different about it was listing the same advice he had recieved barely hours before. Jeonghan's advice. Stay in college until the end, and then reapply. They hoped he would reapply. 

Chan almost screamed with happiness.

Chapter Text

Lee Chan was never late for work. Except on the days he was, which was almost everyday. 

Bursting through the door ten minutes after his shift had begin, Chan practically ran into the staff room, his apron hung up beneath his name which had been scrawled onto a wooden slate with a Sharpie. As to not waste any more time, he slipped the denim apron over his neck, tying it together in the back before stepping behind the counter.

Usually Chan didn't feel too guilty about arriving a few minutes late, especially as he would be probably working overtime that night, but when he saw only one person, who happened to be the only colleague he tolerated, working the shift by himself, and uncomfortable pit grew in his stomach.

Wen Junhui, overqualified and underpaid, worked on the growing line's orders by himself, his arms and legs moving at lightning speed to try and attend to people's needs as soon as possible. But because at the end of the day he was just one person, this was obviously not going as well as he wanted.

Chan quickly slipped into the workspace beside him, managing the orders and trying to help wherever he could without being a nuisance. Junhui didn't seem to mind about being left alone, or at least he acted like he was okay with it. Every apology that would come tumbling out of Chan's mouth was accepted, even offering jokes and smiles to him to show his forgiveness. 

The next few hours progressed slowly, due to it just being the two of them holding down the fort, lunch breaks were immediately ignored and they were only allowed to go to the toilet whenever it was quiet. 

By the time it was time to close, customers were still flooding through the door requesting complicated drink orders, or continuing to ask for the one thing that wasn't available. 

Chan's trousers, which he had only bought a couple weeks before, were soaked with coffee, the liquid seeping into his shoes after an incident with a customer that didn't pay enough attention to their surroundings, sending a cup of boiling hot coffee straight into his lap.

Junhui wasn't looking much better, his own apron in the staff room's washing machine after having to clean up some teenager's idea of a funny prank by peeing on the floor of the disabled toilet's bathroom. And due to him being apron-less, his once baby pink shirt had patches of grinded coffee on it.

The Express Moon Café was nowhere near the glamour that its name suggested. No matter what they could do to it, the coffee somehow ended up burned, they were constantly running out of literally everything and even when the entirety of the workforce was there they still managed to be understaffed.

An hour after their shift was meant to have ended, Chan flipped the sign on the front window from 'open' to 'closed', a sigh of relief passing through his lips. Unfortunately, his relief was short lived, because Junhui walked into the room barely seconds later, an exhausted and pained expression on his face.

"What happened?" Chan asked, moving his attention to cleaning the tables, this job always felt futile to him, no matter how hard anyone scrubbed, they still ended up sticky afterwards.

Junhui just grimaced in response, walking over to Chan to loop his arm around his, dragging him back to the storage room silently, the pained expression still clear on his face.

Within a few seconds they were stood in front of the café's refrigerator, it's bright light illuminating the small space. "What happened?" Chan asked again, peering around the room for anything that could've gone wrong. Reluctantly, Junhui pulled Chan's hand forward, forcing it to touch the inside of the fridge, which was warm against his fingertips. "Oh, shit."

Profanities seemed to tumble out like word vomit as both Chan and Junhui checked each item, majority of the milk smelled sour, one of which had a faulty lid leading to splashes of spoiled milk destroying their clothing. Almost all of the products had to be thrown away, meaning a very awkward call with their manager had to be made requesting an entire new stock of, well, everything. 

Just as he was pulling out his phone to make the dreaded call, the entrance bell rang out, footsteps echoing on the linoleum floor quickly following. Wanting to deal with a stray customer more than their boss, Chan ran out of the storage room, leaving Junhui with the difficult conversation alone. 

"Sorry, we're closed—" Chan began, finally looking up to see his own roommate waiting patiently in the middle of the room. His hands were deep into his jeans' pockets, a white wire travelling up to his ear where there was undoubtedly either some English rap or a random girl group blasting into his ear. "Hansol, what are you doing here? If you want anything to drink you have to get a bottle, I am technically off work now." Chan moved passed his roommate, returning back to the tables he had begun to clean before the fridge incident. 

"I'm not here to order anything," Chan stopped for a moment, raising his eyebrows towards the older male. "I was just bored by myself and noticed you were late home so I wanted to see if I could help out at all." His hand brushed through his hair again, ending up positioned uncomfortably behind his neck.

Not willing to let the opportunity pass, Chan passed his own cleaning supplies to Hansol, instructing him to clean all of the tables, chairs and counters before flashing him a grateful smile and reentering the storage room to grab a broom, unintentionally eavesdropping on Junhui and their manager's conversation.

"Look, neither of us switched it off, and that's obvious by the fact that the light is still on. There must be something faulty in the cooling fans, that has nothing to do with us." Junhui said slowly and calmly, trying to seem professional, however one of his hands were dropped to his side in a fist, tightening with each murmur on the other side of the line, he was clearly not happy about something that was being said.

Chan silently slipped passed him, grasping the wooden broom before walking out, barely catching the next few sentences that were spoken through gritted teeth. "You can't expect us to pay for it, it's the company's responsiblity. Just because we happened to be on shift at the same time as it broke doesn't mean the costs should be taken out of our paychecks. We don't get paid enough as it is." 

Nervously, Chan pulled the door closed behind him to give them some privacy before sweeping the floor, the crumbs that had accumulated during the day were thankfully, for the most part, dry and easy to push together. And the mess that fell into the minority would be cleared by mopping the floor, hopefully.

It didn't take long for Hansol to be completely finished with his chore and go back to wandering aimlessly around the room, trying to spot anything he could do to help out and speed up the process of closing. "How come you're not out with your new friend, something Seungkwan?" Chan asked, dipping the mop into the cleaning liquid which seemed to be about ninety percent bleach.

Hansol shrugged, deciding to take a hesitant seat near the door, pushing his legs to his chest when Chan came rushing by with the mop. "Just don't want to come across as being a desperate loser that needs to hang out with him everyday."

"But you are a desperate loser." Chan chuckled, the smell of bleach had started to give him a headache, or maybe it was his lack of break finally creeping up on him.

Hansol sighed, pulling his body closer together on the seat. "I know I am, but he's just met me, he doesn't need to know that yet."

The two of them remained in silence cleaning until Junhui bursted through the doors, looking more annoyed than Chan had ever seen before. He took a seat on the edge of one of the tables that Hansol cleaned the moist surface undoubtedly uncomfortable under him, but he didn't react instead his focus was on his fidgeting hands which would either run through his dyed, auburn hair or would pick at the fabric on his trousers.

Not knowing what to say, the roommates gave each other concerned glances, unsure if they should keep continuing to tidy up or to prod at whatever was bothering the usually relaxed individual.

Before they had a chance to ask, Junhui spoke up, voice mixed with defeat and a hint of anger. "I really tried to convince them to not do it. But they're deducting our pay just to pay for a new one. It's so bullshit." His gaze was on the floor, his disappointment in himself heavy in the air.

Neither of the boys said anything and Chan's mind ran wild with worry, without his full paycheck he wouldn't be able to keep paying his tuition to stay at the college, and if he became a dropout at nineteen he could kiss any chances of getting a scholarship goodbye. There was no point in asking his parents for money as they were already struggling only paying half. His worry for himself morphed into one that was also for Junhui too, knowing that his situation was similar to his own, if not worse. 

Chan didn't know very much about the dedicated worker, only that he moved from China to Korea to start college and that he paid majority of his tuition himself. He was certain that having his pay docked over something like repairing a fridge would harshly affect him.

Before he had a chance to say anything, another voice piped up beside him. "That's bullshit! They can't seriously expect you two to pay that, you're both part-timers that get paid barely enough to live." Hansol was stood up, Chan thought back to the entirety that they new each other, he had never seen him get so worked up. 

"It's okay," Junhui began, a timid expression on his face. "I'll just pick up a few extra shifts, and skip out on some of our dance practices."

As well as being his colleague, Junhui was one of Chan's fellow dancers in a little group they put together. They had never done anything more than some talent shows and volunteering at hospitals, but they hoped with time that they'd have their big break. As well as Junhui, Chan was joined by two other members. Kwon Soonyoung, their eccentric leader who was surprisingly strict considering his childlike personality outside of the practice room. And Xu Minghao, a disgustingly rich fashion major student, who Chan had noticed had been lingering around Junhui more than usual recently.

"You shouldn't have to do that," Hansol frowned, his volume brought back down to slightly quieter than usual. "There has to be a way to get out of it."

Chan shrugged and placed a hand on his friend's shoulder, appreciative of his sympathy. "It's okay," he squeezed his shoulder gently. "There's nothing to be done."

With a half smile, Chan said goodbye to Junhui and left with Hansol. They were both quiet on their walk home, the younger of the two would attempt at some small talk which would be dismissed quickly. Although it only took around ten minutes to get back it felt more like an hour before he crashed against his bed, his face being smothered by his pillow.

Tiredness took over faster than he thought as he slipped closer and closer to unconsciousness, it wasn't until a hand reseted on his shoulder that he jolted awake.

"Sorry," Hansol muttered, retracting his hand and shuffling on his spot. "I just wanted to tell you that I was going to go out for a bit. With Seungkwan." 

Chan chuckled quietly into his pillow, a smile on his face earning a confused frown from his roommate. "So you decided to give in to desperate loser inside of you?"

Hansol smiled back weakly, his silhouette was barely visable in the darkness of the room but Chan could still make out the slight curl of his brown hair and the way his fingers fidgeted when he was nervous. 

It wasn't very often that Hansol would show that he was nervous and it was clear that the gaining of a new friend was making him feel that way. Chan tried to think of who Hansol actually considered as a friend other than himself but drew a blank, maybe it was his sheer awkwardness holding him back but it occurred to Chan that Hansol had never really gone out of his way to befriend anyone. It felt like Chan never saw his roommate with friends that weren't his own, until Seungkwan that is, the thought of it pained his heart a little.

"Not quite, although I was about to. He reached out first, thankfully." He grinned a little wider, obviously excited.

"Well," Chan started, deepening his voice and pointing his index finger to sound authoritive. "Home before midnight, and always wear a condom." He grinned to himself, happy with his imitation of his own father.

Hansol's face turned into something that was a mix between a grimace and a smile. "Yeah, thanks... Dad. But neither of us swing that way." This made Chan burst out laughing.

It wasn't until Chan noticed his roommate's serious confusion that he stopped laughing, a hand grabbing his stomach. "Wait, you're not kidding?" Hansol shook his head, confused, to which Chan stood up and placed a sympathetic hand on his shoulder, his hand brushing against the bottom of Hansol's hair lightly. "Okay, I thought you'd figure this out but Seungkwan's gay. And like, in the nicest way possible, I thought you were too." He stiffles a laugh at the way Hansol's eyes widened to double the size.

"What? You thought—? Me? Seungkwan's gay? How do you know that?

Chan tutted and crossed his arms over his chest, a stray strand of his bleached hair falling into his face. "Yeah, he's gay. And the reason I know that is because he's practically best friends with Soonyoung, who blurts out anything and everything when drunk. And it's hard to forget the guy crying over his best friend being unable to get in relationship and begging you to date him for just a day." He shuddered. "And with you... Have you ever even spoken to a girl here? Plus I've caught you staring at Mingyu like a million times before, and I get it, he's a lovely guy but those stares seem to be a little long for someone that calls himself straight." He nudged Hansol gently, a mischievous grin on his face.

Hansol's mouth was shut, his lips making a straight line. He seemed lost in thought, like he was contempating if all the things he said actually happened. "I'm not gay." Was all he could say, the words coming out in almost a whisper. "I just get awkward, and I zone out all the time. Coincidences." He held his lip in his teeth, uncertainty in his voice.

Feeling like he overstepped, Chan opened his mouth to apologise, feeling a little hypocritical when it wasn't like he had ever been in a proper relationship and he too had even looked at his friend for perhaps longer than he should've done. He wasn't intentionally trying to send his friend into a gay panic over just a few observations. "Sorry, I was only like half serious. About you I mean, not Seungkwan. He is one hundred percent gay. Like you could go either way. But you know it's okay right, if you are, and if you're not. No judgement. Well, not from me anyway, the rest of South Korea isn't as progressive as you're probably used to back in America." Chan cringed at his rambling, whenever he got too awkward he had the tendency to just keep talking until he was forced to shut up. "Hey, even I've thought guys looked attractive before. Of course I wouldn't do anything with them, I think. I mean that I don't really know and that's okay to not know. You're allowed to think people are attractive without wanting to date them, although it feels a bit like I'll never date anyone these days." Chan bit his lip sharply to force himself to shut up, his apology had turned into a rant about his own thoughts, ones he had never really considered before.

Hansol was watching him, his confusion seemed to dissipate and instead a curious eye was on the younger male. "That was a lot." Was all he said, and he bursted out laughing, his mouth forming the shape of a heart. "Thanks for sharing?" He grinned, and patted Chan sharply on the back. He walked away soon after that, giving a quick look back before disappearing through the door, an odd emptiness left behind.

***

The next time Chan saw Junhui there was an undeniable lightness in his energy, like a great weight had been released from him. He was working another shift at the café, with Chan being the customer rather than the colleague. 

A new apron wrapped around his front and his hair was freshly cleaned, the light brown strands shining slightly in the warm lighting. It took a couple minutes of small talk while waiting for his drinks until Chan popped the question. "Okay this might be the stupidest thing I've asked you before, but why are you so happy? Like the last time I saw you, you were miserable about having to pay the costs of the broken fridge. What happened?"

Junhui bit his lip and handed over the drinks in a cardboard holder, the warmth radiating off of the cups burning Chan's hand slightly. He leaned forward on the counter slightly, retracting his hands when he felt something sticky underneath it and groaning in disgust.

"I didn't ask him for this, but I told Minghao about what happened and he offered to pay. Of course, I said no, but he ended up doing it anyway." He smiled to himself softly. "I was a little annoyed that he went behind me back to do it but I appreciated it anyway, he even offered to pay your part to but I told him he should talk to you about it first. I'm surprised he hasn't reached out yet, actually."

Chan nodded understandingly, a smile also on his face. "While I appreciate the offer, I already have the money for it. I was going to give it in just before I left." He patted his pocket lightly, feeling the notes submerged into his pocket. It took up majority of his savings, and he was left with barely enough to pay for his lodgings for the month but it was enough. That was what mattered. Junhui nodded and held out the pay machine to which Chan held down Mingyu's card on. Even though he was blindly unaware of Chan's current financial situation, he never failed to offer to pay for food or drinks while out. While feeling a little guilty for mooching off his friend, he was extremely thankful for his friend's generosity and made sure to keep in mind to get him something with his next paycheck.

Deep in conversation, Wonwoo and Mingyu were sat in the far corner of the café, their hands intertwined underneath the table. Chan slipped into the chair opposite them, handing over their coffees and Mingyu's card back to him. "Thanks for paying."

Mingyu shrugged and placed it back into his pocket, his other hand still curled around Wonwoo's who was already sipping on his coffee. A few minutes of comfortable silence passed before Junhui reappeared, two plates in his hand that he placed on the table, before disappearing again behind the counter.

On the table sat three drinks, a regular Americano for Wonwoo, a cappuccino for Mingyu and an iced latte for Chan, the smell of coffee beans was intoxinating. For the food, a simple salted caramel muffin was being torn apart by Wonwoo while an untouched slice of their new chocolate based cake sat in front of Mingyu. "Why didn't you get anything to eat? You usually pounce at the idea of me paying for you usually to get the most expensive things."

"I'm just not very hungry."

Mingyu hummed unconvinced by his response but decided not to pry, digging into his own food which was demolished within seconds. He leaned back on his chair, eyeing the younger male as he sipped on his own coffee, accidently blowing on it a few times forgetting that it was iced.

A few minutes later and Mingyu pushed himself closer to Chan, his arms resting on the table, hand no longer intertwined with Wonwoo's who seemed to be playing a game on his phone. "Something's up with you, you're less annoying than usual and it's freaking me out. Something happen with your cute roommate?" He asked innocently, peering over to an unbothered Wonwoo and sighing loudly. "He's so boring, a normal partner would go all jealous mode at that kind of comment, but apparently a game is more important than his own boyfriend. Oh, woe is me." He sighed again, high pitched and dramatic, slumping against the back of his booth. 

Wonwoo looked up almost immediately, his phone lying flat against the table, Chan noticed the game was still playing, well until an alert appeared on his screen saying that he lost next to a large number that Chan couldn't quite read. "I just know that you're not stupid enough to cheat on me, that's all" He said simply, squeezing his boyfriend's arm gently before going back to his game, a slight smile on his face.

Chan often wondered how their relationship actually worked, their personalities were so opposite that it felt like they shouldn't have even crossed paths let alone started dating. Although the brief moments that Chan witnessed of them together something seemed to make sense, that something clicked between them. He couldn't help but feeling a little envious towards them.

"But anyway, back to you. What's up with you?" Mingyu asked again, light blush on his ears from the earlier interaction.

Chan shrugged and considered telling them, he knew they would be sympathetic towards his situation and even offer to help out but it felt so embarassing to him to actually say out loud the fact that he was barely scraping by. That he probably wasn't going to have enough money to pay for food for the next month. He bit his lip and looked towards the table, a new stain forming in the centre.

"The café fridge broke."

Mingyu seemed a little taken back at the simplicity of his answer, clearly expecting a problem much grander than just a breakage. "Did you break it?" He asked slowly. Chan shook his head. "Then what's the problem?"

"The manager is making me and Junhui pay for it because we were on shift, and it's leaving me with less money than I've ever had to live off of before. And I'm a little nervous, I guess." Confusion turned into understanding on the male's face, but then turned back into confusion, this time mixed with a bit of anger.

"Why are they making you pay for it? It's not like you broke it." He began to get up, to which both Wonwoo and Chan put out their hands to stop him, both knowing it was futile.

"There's no point getting worked up over it, it happened, I've even got the money for it now." Mingyu's mouth opened to say something, his hand slipping back into the pocket with his card in. "And don't bother offering to pay, the odd coffee is fine, but I'm not letting you pay hundreds of thousands won for me." 

The older friend seemed conflicted, before he rested against the chair, his hand looping back into Wonwoo's. "You'll tell me if you need anything though? I don't mind if you want to come to ours to eat some days, and while he'll never admit it out loud, Wonwoo does actually enjoy having you around." Chan nodded, appreciative of his friend's worry.

They spoke light chatter for around half an hour before Chan decided it was time to pay his half, there was something bad building in his chest when he thought about handing over the massive amount of money in his pocket. He was certain that all of his friends would be more than happy to help him out, offer to pay for his meals, walk with him places instead of getting taxis, but it was still terrifying to think of having so little money. To know that at any point there could be an accident and he would be unable to anything about it.

Chan was thankful that it was Junhui at the counter when he went to pay his half, he noticed that his smile must have grown at least half at seeing his friend approach. "What can I do for ya?" He asked, stepping out from bar for a few seconds.

"Can you give this to the manager? Tell them that this is my half." He said quietly, he reached into his pocket and handed over the bills. He felt like all of his security went with it. Junhui nodded hesitantly, taking them from him but standing for a moment watching him, like he was waiting for Chan to back out at any moment. But when he didn't, he rushed off to the staff's quarters and Chan walked back to his friends who were packing up their things to leave.

Just as they were about to walk out the front door, a familar face held onto Chan's shoulder, turning him to face a surprised Junhui, money still in his hand from earlier. "Junhui? What's up, why do you still have that?"

Composing himself, Junhui ran his freehand through his hair and straightened his apron. "Your half has already been paid, someone's already done it for you." Chan frowned at his statement, not quite understanding what he was saying.

"But I haven't paid it yet. Are you sure Minghao didn't pay it?" 

Junhui nodded, quickly passing the notes over to allow him to pull out his phone. "I texted Minghao just now and apparently he was going to pay for all of it yesterday, but your half had already been paid for. Given the morning after." Chan's face scrunched up in confusion, he could feel Mingyu and Wonwoo lingering behind him, curiousity getting the best of them both as they listened in too.

"So I was thinking," Junhui continued. "Who else knew about what happened?" It took him a few seconds but then realisation hit him harder than a ton of bricks.

Hansol.

Chapter Text

Despite living in the same room, it wasn't very often that Chan and Hansol's lives crossed over. Chan would always be cooped up in his practice studio perfecting the moves to a new dance he helped choreograph and Hansol would be in bed before he got back. However on the acquisition of a new friend, Chan felt like he barely even saw him in his bed when he came back. And due to his absence, Chan had still not had the chance to talk to his roommate about his act of charity towards him. Not like he knew what he was going to say anyway.

It had occured to Chan on multiple occasions that Hansol could be absent just to avoid the awkward conversation on his intentions, but tried to contact him nonetheless. Sending him messages that would have simple one word responses in a unmistakably dismissive tone. And while he had considered just texting him a thank you to put the entire situation to an end, but decided it was too impersonal. 

He had spoken to both Mingyu and Wonwoo about what to do in the situation to which they both proved themselves completely useless, their ideas ranging from shrugged shoulders to a plethora of 'I don't know's. 

It was the end of the last practice of the week, after four hours of being yelled at by Soonyoung for messing up on the smallest of moves, Chan finally got the relief of stepping into his shower. The day's worth of sweat that had built up on his body seemed to melt away under the burning liquid, his skin turning bright red as the scolding water enveloped him and washed away, taking any of the stress due to the last few days away with it. Or rather it did. Until the jingling sound of keys filled the almost silent dormroom.

It took him seconds to switch off the shower and come tumbling out of their bathroom, a towel wrapped at his hips, his hand holding it tightly against his body. 

Droplets of water dripped off of Chan onto the carpeted floor, a growing patch of wet forming under his feet. Hansol stood in the doorway, a little dumbfounded at his roommate's sudden appearance. 

"Hi?" He said pushing the door closed behind him, his hand that had his keys in pushed into his back pocket, he wasn't planning on staying long. Wordlessly, he moved to sit on his bed, flicking through something on his phone with the occasional glance to Chan who was still stood sopping wet at the entrance of their bathroom. "You're getting our carpet wet."

Chan was too focused on collecting his last week's thoughts into a coherent sentence to even notice that Hansol had spoken to him, and definitely didn't notice the way his eyes flickered from his body to his face whenever he looked over. "You're going out again?" Was all that Chan could form on his tongue without it coming out in a jumbled mess.

Hansol plainly nodded, his gaze only returning to his phone for a second before landing back onto Chan. "Is there something wrong?" He asked innocently, sending a creeping sense of doubt towards Chan.

There was no way that he thought that he could get away with paying for half of an entire commerical fridge, right? Does he actually believe that Chan would never bring it up or does he actually have nothing to do with it? He thought back to his conversation with his manager the other day, who described the mystery man as exactly like Hansol. He quickly shook away the doubt, there was no chance that it wasn't him that paid for it. "Can you just wait until I'm..." He gestures to his body with his free hand. "I need to talk to you before you leave." Hansol nodded again, this time more hesitantly, his calm expression shifting to a nervous one.

In reality Chan couldn't say that he knew that much about his roommate, he had kept his life relatively close to his chest and Chan assumed that it would be best to never prod for information. Their conversations never usually contained more than the basic gossip that Chan picked up or who was going to be in charge of preparing dinner, which recently was a conversation that barely happened anymore. 

After slipping on the closest set of pajamas he had to him, a plain black t-shirt, that clung to the damp areas of his skin from where he didn't dry off properly, and a pair of red, tartan trousers that he didn't remember owning. Finally re-emerging from the bathroom, Chan sat on his own bed making sure to step over the towel that had been placed on the floor to dry up the water from earlier.

In the past conversations with Hansol had never seemed difficult, even when his Korean was a little butchered and Chan didn't understand a word of English, he always was able to bring back the mood by changing the topic to something they'd both understand. But it was different this time.

Mustering the courage after ten minutes of glancing from the floor to his roommate, Chan opened his mouth to speak, before he was immediately interrupted by another voice. "Why haven't you gone back to your parents' at all?" Hansol asked, his arms were crossed over his chest and his tone was accusatory. "You've had the entire vacation to visit them but instead you've stayed in this room, everyone else left within the first few weeks, but not you." 

That kind of question made Chan's entire body freeze, he couldn't tell if this was a conversation that they actually needed to have or if it was him deflecting from whatever he thought they were about to talk about. "I've been busy, and it's not like you've left here either."

Hansol frowned, but there was something about his expression that Chan couldn't work out. It felt like a mix of confusion and disappointment but those emotions didn't match anything else about his demeanor, and especially not his words. "My family are an entire plane ticket away, yours are just a long drive away. And there was nothing stopping you from leaving, all of the people in your group were with their families or on trips and Junhui was at the café all the time."

Chan bit his lip, thinking about his rebuttal before letting the entire exchange go, there were more important things to talk about. "That's beside the point, what I need to talk to you about is—"

"No it's not, you need to slow down. You don't spend anytime during your day doing anything but working, whether it's on your performance, or literally working. I know this stuff means a lot to you, but no school is going to want to take you if you burn out by the time you're twenty." He had stood up now, his hand slipping into his back pocket for his keys, he was about to leave again, before he got to talk to him about the fucking fridge.

"Hansol, stop." Chan pulled himself up from his bed, his hand grasping onto his friend's shoulder sharply, he could feel his muscle tense underneath the grip. "I know you paid for my side of the fridge, I just needed to talk to you about it." He swore he could feel the muscle in his shoulder relax, but he focus was redirected to Hansol's face a little too close to his own to take in the change. Chan took a involuntary step backwards, overwhelmed by the closeness. He racked through his head for anything to say, the millions of words he had prepared for this, from the confusion to the guilt to the anger. But only one phrase seemed to make sense to him in the moment. "Thank you."

A warmth filled his chest as he watched the corners of Hansol's mouth turn upwards, a sigh of relief that seemed forced passing with it. He patted Chan's shoulder lightly, before turning to sit back on his bed, his fingers raking through his hair once again. "You were so serious, I was worried you were going to be mad or something." He said with another sigh, but it wasn't very convincing for some reason. Chan decided to ignore this though, taking a seat next to him, the bed creaking slightly under his weight.

"If you had spoken to me earlier in the week I would've been. Although I was pretty certain I was going to be pissed now too, so maybe not." 

It took barely a minute of awkward silence for Hansol to leave, a sheepish smile sent towards his roommate before leaving, probably seeing his new friend again. The dormroom felt empty again, he had finally spoken to him about the one thing that had been weighing on his mind yet it felt like there was something else in the air suffocating him. 

***

It had been almost two weeks since Chan had seen Jeonghan at his party; and after his comment about not seeing him enough, he felt like it was almost obligatory for him to set up a meet up soon. And soon came around faster than expected, leaving an exhausted Chan waiting at a bar for his friend to arrive 'fashionably' late.

Ten minutes after Chan had arrived and he was already on his second beer, Jeonghan rushed into the bustling room; he scanned the area for his friend sat in the far corner, dark bags growing underneath his eyes while he chugged half of his drink in one go. 

"I'm sorry that I'm so late, Jisoo was supposed to drop me off but he was nowhere to be found, so I had to beg Seungcheol to take me and you know how he can be sometimes, he even—" Chan put his hand up to stop his friend's rambling, over the time of their friendship he had become used to Jeonghan's seemingly neverending ranting but he also knew when to stop him.

"It's alright, I wasn't waiting too long." Chan smiled, lightly tapping Jeonghan's shin under the table with his foot. "Just glad you showed up, even with your loss of ride." Chan barely knew Jisoo, only spoke to him in moments of silence whenever it was just them alone and even then they only consisted of small talk, but from the impression he got from outside people talking about him, he wasn't the type to flake out on his friends.

Jeonghan's hands reached out across the table to cover Chan's a beaming smile on his face. "I'm so happy that you called me to meet up, it's good to see you outside of my apartment and, you know, sober." Chan laughed politely, knowing that the last thing probably wasn't going to be true for very long. 

"You dyed your hair again," Chan commented, Jeonghan's hair had changed from his bright red only two weeks before to a dark black, the length still just past his shoulders. Chan always liked his black hair, he thought it complimented his face well, especially when it was long. "It's nice."

Jeonghan's hands flung to his hair, running his fingers through it and fluffing it up slightly, a grin plastered against his face. "You do? I'm glad, I needed a little change," his hands moves from his own to Chan's hair, inspecting the brown roots that had grown into the blond. "I think it's time for you to do the same too." He leaned back into his chair, taking the younger male's beer with him, a sip that turned into a large mouthful before he placed it back on the table. 

Chan had moved past caring about whenever he'd notice Jeonghan taking a sip of his drink, or even drank half in one go. They both knew that the older male would be handling the bill and thus got stealing drinks rights whenever he wanted, plus he always saved a bit of his drink for Chan if he ever requested it.

"Hair appointments are too expensive these days, and I don't trust myself enough to do it." Chan sighed, spotting the food menu in the corner of his eye which perked up his mood slightly.

Jeonghan's fingers curled around the menu and pushed it towards his younger friend, a small smile creeping on his face. "What about your cute roommate, can't he help you out?" He asked, taking another swig of beer. "And get whatever you want, I'll just eat some of yours to make up for it."

Chan thanked him graciously, eyes darting immediately towards the grilled meet section, a large selection greeting him. "While I'm sure he would love an entire afternoon dedicated to dying my hair, I'm not even sure if he would even know how to help, let alone actually do parts." He reached for his glass, a disapproving frown sent towards his friend when only a mouthful remained. "Also aren't you dating Seungcheol again? He doesn't seem like the type to enjoy you calling other men 'cute'."

Jeonghan shrugged. "We're open minded." Earning an exaggerated eye roll from Chan.

"Yeah, well, he's not." Chan responded while snapping the menu closed. "Also, I'm pretty sure he's secretly in love with a guy he met at your party."

The small comment seemed to pique the older male's interest, he shuffled closer and lowered his voice. "Really, which guy?"

Chan tried to think back to the brief time that they met, his appearance loosely in his mind. "I doubt you know him, I wouldn't think your lives overlap much. Blond, my height, full cheeks, name was—"

"Seungkwan, right?"

Chan's eyes widened. "Now how did you know that? Are you friends with him?"

Jeonghan puffed out his cheeks, letting out the air slowly while thinking. "Not exactly, we speak but it's never for long. I'm surprised that you two never knew each other before as he's literally tied to the hip with Soonyoung." Chan shrugged, it was possible he had seen him before, but it wasn't like he ever hung out with Soonyoung outside of the practice studio. "He's friends with that Seokmin guy too, the one that Jisoo's been 'hanging out' with all the time." Chan shuddered at the memory of the two of them kissing at the party, embarassment still lingering from the night.

"But you know him?"

Jeonghan nodded, cueing to a nearby waiter to come to their table. "Yeah, he's a nice guy. The two of them would be cute if they do ever get together, kind of like those American romances when the jock gets with the musical nerd." 

Chan waited for the waiter to leave before responding, listening intently as Jeonghan ordered a bowl of ramen and a plate of grilled, barbecue samgyeopsal for them as well as a couple bottles of soju to share.

"Hansol is not a jock. Like at all." Chan thought about his roommate, hopeless at any ball sports and glued to his phone listening to music 24/7. "It's more like musical nerd meets music nerd, which is a film no one will watch." 

Jeonghan chuckled, smiling when the soju appeared next to him, two shot glasses accompanying it. "Maybe not a movie, but isn't that just the plot of Glee?"

Chan shrugged, he never really got into those kind of shows, but he had heard of it before. Hansol had probably reccomended it when they were flicking through Netflix one day.

Jeonghan stayed silent for a moment, looking down at the table before staring into Chan's eyes as if he was searching for something. "What?"

The older male chuckled nervously and rubbed his neck, hesitating on whether to say something. Chan didn't think he had ever seen him hesitate before. "Well, I'm going to be honest. I thought that Hansol had a thing for you, he'd always be following you around and gives you those puppy dog eyes whenever he sees you." 

Chan laughed expecting it to be a joke, but when Jeonghan didn't join in his laughter faded, and so did his smile. "You're kidding, right? He's my friend, plus he's been clinging onto that Seungkwan guy. There's no way."

Jeonghan shrugged, positioning the glasses in front of them and handing over the bottle. "It's just what I've seen. And you shouldn't be so fast to dismiss it either, you're nineteen, almost twenty and you've never been in a serious relationship. Hell, you're still a virgin."

His comment made Chan's face go pink, the tops of his ears warming up with embarassment. "I just haven't found anyone that I like."

Jeonghan gags at his response, sighing dramatically and slapping his hands on the table, startling Chan. "How would you know? You don't go anywhere except your room, work and the studio." Chan bit his lip, he was right about that. "If there is someone that is attractive that likes you, like Hansol, then why not give it ago. The only reason you're still single is because you never put yourself out there." 

It wasn't that he never wanted to date anyone, or rather he didn't think so. And the reason why he couldn't see Hansol liking him wasn't because he didn't like the fact he was a guy, it was just the idea of being close with anyone made him feel awkward. But it could be down to lack of experience, that's what he told himself.

"I guess you're right, but he's my roommate and so that could just get so awkward so fast." Chan added with a frown.

"I'm still close with both Jisoo and Seungcheol, and fuck knows how many times we've all broken up with each other." Chan found it hard to relate himself with his friend, no matter how much he wanted to help their situations were very different from each other. He appreciated his attempt at comforting him, even if it did prove futile.

Forcing his best smile, he held up the bottle of soju. "Ready for drinks?" Which was met with very happy nodding.

Chan poured a shot for both himself and Jeonghan, clashing the glasses together before holding it up to his mouth, swallowing the liquid in its entirety to try and fade out their last conversation from his mind.

The next few bottles went by in a blur, but the conversation didn't.

***

It was just past two in the morning when Chan arrived back in his dorm, well that's what Seungcheol told him when he dropped him off outside. And after a long ten minute walk up some stairs that should've taken him two, Chan stood outside of his door, fumbling with his keys in the lock for at least a minute until the door swung open. 

Hansol quietly ushered the drunken younger in, his hands on his arms to keep him upright until they reached his bed. Chan slumped against the covers, curling up and preparing for sleep. Until Hansol literally pulled him awake and upright, forcing an entire bottle of water down his throat. He groaned at the manhandling and quietly cursed him under his breath but was secretly thankful for his roommate's care, the very thought of him doing so much so late at night made his heart ache, or maybe it was heartburn from all the meat he ate. Either way his chest was hurting.

For the first time that night Chan focused his vision on Hansol, his air was messy, breath was still slightly minty and his eyes were barely staying open. The same words were always used when people described Hansol: cute, handsome, hot. But Chan had never really thought them himself, seeing him just as the guy he lived with. He thought back to what Jeonghan said earlier in the night, his words still lingering on his fuzzy mind. Chan closed his eyes, allowing the words to ebb and flow through his mind until they were true. Reopening them only when the words felt like they were burned to his brain. 

"Hansol, what did you think I was going to ask you?" He gave a confused look that meant to elaborate. "When I spoke to you about the money, you relaxed when I brought it up. There was something else you were thinking about." Chan's speech was slow and slurred, but he made his effort to enunciate each syllable clearly.

Hansol's entire body went stiff. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Chan let out a laugh that could be easily mistaken for a scoff, his hands holding his roommate's shoulders tightly to stop himself from collapsing into the bed. "You're lying, you just froze up when I brought it up. You forget I've lived for you for a year now, I know you."

Hansol let go off him, leaving him to almost completely collapse against the bedsheets. Chan's hands pushed into the bed, his will to get the truth out of his roommate the only thing keeping him consious. 

He watched his dormmate pace the room, the fuzziness of his movements making him dizzy, one of his hands stayed in his hair while the other picked at the fabric on his thigh. "You're drunk, you don't know what you're talking about." He finally said, pausing to stand just inches away.

"Bullshit." He spat. Drunk Chan never had the tendency to get into arguments, he was much like Mingyu in the way he'd be friendly and loud. Never like this. Jeonghan's words spun around in his head like a whirlpool, the alcohol in his system fueling and fucking up his speech like word vomit. "Do you not trust me enough to tell me shit, I figured we were actually friends but guess fucking not."

Chan, albeit wobbly, pushed himself off of the bed to face him, having to tilt his face up slightly to look at his friend. He could smell his own breath stained with alcohol, and while usually he would care that he's breathing it all over someone else he could not care less.

"Of course I trust you." He said, his voice wavered slightly, his gaze dropping to the floor.

"Then fucking tell me!" Chan noticed his volume raise and attempted to bring it back down, not wanting to bother the rest of the building with their argument. "There's obviously something bothering you, and from the way you're acting it's something to do with me."

Hansol stayed silent, his gaze shifting from the floor to Chan's face. He could've sworn that he saw his eyes focus on his lips for a moment but brushed it off to be the affects of the alcohol still buzzing in his head.

"Nothing? Really?" Chan asked and pushed passed the older male, heading for their door which was still, thankfully, unlocked. His hand slipped over the handle and pulled it open, stepping out into the hall, aware that Mingyu and Wonwoo's dorm was just down the hall. He lowered his voice, his focus moving more to the volume rather than the slurring so it came out more like a confused mess. "If you don't trust me enough to tell me something that's bothering you about me, then I'll just request a room transfer. There's plenty of other people that I can stay with."

Chan was already halfway down the hall when a hand reached out for his arm, pulling him back. It was the first time that he had seen Hansol in the light since the morning, and he looked rough. Chan felt a pang of guilt for keeping him awake so long that night, but he was also pissed off and drunk so all rational thinking was out of the window.

"Look, Chan. Just come back inside, we'll talk in the morning. You're completely wasted." Hansol's voice was low and calm, and his hand tightened around Chan's arm tugging him gently towards their room. "I just think this is a conversation we should be having when you're sober, and not at this time of night." He tugged again, more harshly this time.

Chan felt his legs wobble with each tug, his body involuntarily moving towards his room until he completely pulled his arm away. "Excuses. They don't suit you, Vernon." He had initally planned on using his American name to sound like an insult but after it came out it just seemed normal, it made him a little shocked, sure, but that was it.

Weakly, Chan stumbled towards Mingyu's dorm, while he never said anything he could feel Hansol behind him, noticing his hands reaching out when it looked like he was about to fall over to catch him but never actually touching. 

Chan raised his hand to knock on the door, Wonwoo would probably be still awake playing some game while Mingyu whined about how he never paid attention to him. Then they'd share one of their beds and sleep together, the realisation that something like that was probably never going to happen to him sent a mix of jealousy and sorrow through him. He sharply turned towards Hansol, accidently colliding his head against his with the movement. "Sorry." He mumbled.

"Look if you tell me, I'll forget all this pissed off-ness even happened and we can go back to being best roommates." Chan said softly, he rested a hand on his friend's shoulder, half using him to prop himself up. 

"It's not that easy." Hansol simply responded, and placed a hand underneath Chan's arm, holding him in place. "It's not a topic that is exactly one I'm comfortable with."

Chan frowned, his foggy brain trying to understand everything that happened over the last few minutes. He came to the conclusion that he was being really unfair to Hansol, but decided rather quickly that he would keep prodding for the answer. Just more gently.

"I get that, but if it's not one you're comfortable with it should be one that you bring up. To make it less uncomfortable." He sighed, his own thoughts becoming more coherent in his head. "I can tell that whatever it is is eating you up alive, and its clearly something to do with me because you haven't denied that once. Please, just tell me."

Hansol let out a sigh that told Chan he won, a secret rush of triumph ran through his head before he was following him back to their dorm, the door closing and locking shut behind them.

"Okay," Hansol began, sitting on his roommate's bed to face an almost collapsed Chan on his own bed. "So, I guess this has been sort of my mind for a while but it didn't really click until the other day while we were talking. And I was speaking to some people about it and apparently this was really obvious, and I think you probably already know which is why you're being so... You know, about this."

Chan nodded along, his mind finally catching up with the rest of his senses. How long had it been since he got back?

"So in short, I guess I can just say it." Hansol let out a breath he had been holding and stood up, and Chan did the same. "I guess, I kind of like you? And I have done for the last few months at least, you don't have to say or do anything but I just needed to say that." He finally said, and the words seemed to tumble out of his mouth faster than he could register what he was saying. Hansol's entire face lit up red and he swallowed the ball that was growing in his throat.

Chan wasn't focusing on those parts though, his mind instead on Jeonghan's words from earlier in the night. To put himself out there, to just go for it. So he did.

Hansol had began to ramble again, awkward words to fill the awkward silence. But Chan didn't care about any of that, he cared about finally doing the thing he had been putting off for so long. Putting himself out there.

It was barely a minute after his confession that Chan pushed his mouth towards Hansol's, their lips meeting each other with a shocked gasp. It wasn't long before he felt Hansol relax underneath his touch, fully allowing himself to be consumed by the kiss, he pushed into the kiss further and further until neither of them knew where the other began. Hansol seemed to be in pure ecstacy.

And Chan, he thought it was okay.

***

The next morning dragged by, Chan had slept in Hansol's bed and Hansol in his, deciding to collapse into the closest sheets after the exhausting night that they both experienced.

However, it seemed that one of the two roommates were beaming with happiness throughout the entire morning, waking up early to deliver fresh coffee from the expensive café that was only for special occasions to a sleeping and hungover Chan.

While the elation seeping from his roommate was almost infectious, Chan couldn't bring himself to share the excitement. His head pounding from the consequences of his drinking and thoughts mangled in fuzzy patches of blankness. There was one thing he remembered though, the feeling of his mouth against Hansol's and how it was not as exciting as he expected.

When Hansol practically ran into their room, coffees in hand, Chan found it hard to look him in the eye, not wanting to spill the fact that the experience was only enjoyable for one side. Especially as it could have been his own lack of experience holding him back from enjoying it. Either way, he tried to smile when his roommate did, and graciously thank him for the coffee which was slightly too cold from however long it took for him to get back.

Although he tried to hide it to the best of his abilities, it was clear that Hansol was picking up on Chan's odd demeanour, the way he'd avoid eye contact and shuffle away whenever he sat too close. It was around midday when he finally commented on it.

"Are you okay? You're acting a little funny, I know you drank a lot but it feels a bit more than just a hangover." Hansol frowned, he lightly squeezed Chan's hand and it took everything in him not to pull away.

"Yeah... I think. Just hungover."

Hansol nodded, taking that as a good enough answer before rushing off into the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

Lee Chan was not a liar, nor did he take any enjoyment out of it. Yet when he thought about the situation he got himself into one lie did spring to his mind, to tell him he forgot about the kiss completely. 

Alternatively, he also considered running with the idea of having a boyfriend to finally have the experience, and possibly allowing his feelings to turn into something more. He was attractive at the end of the day.

He barely noticed when his roommate came back into the room, only realising when the bed underneath him shifted under the additional weight beside him. "Chan, do you remember anything from last night?"

There was the question, the question which would open an infinite amount of doors into his future, he didn't want to break his heart but he didn't want to force his own either. Both options felt like a betrayal in some way.

Chan turned to look him in the eyes, the light brown irises reflecting the sunlight peeking through their only window. He opened his mouth before closing it slowly, looking down at the floor as the words started to tumble out. "Only fragments," He looked back at him, trying to feign innocence. "Why, did something happen last night?"

Chapter Text

Jeonghan had responded in seconds. 

jeonghan

> you did WHAT???

> theres no way i dont believe you

> did anything else happen??

After a request which felt more like a demand, Chan stood outside of Jeonghan's apartment door once again and absence of loud music leaking out of it. 

His hand barely touched the door before he was pulled into the apartment, more than one pair of arms eagerly pushing him towards the couch on the other side of the room. Seungcheol and Jeonghan stood side by side after throwing the younger boy into their seat, grins on both of their faces. 

"So, it finally happened, huh?" Seungcheol was the first to say anything, his hand reaching out to pat Chan on the back. His smack was harder than he had expected making Chan wince under the contact. The older male apologised quietly, reaching instead into the back pocket of his washed out jeans for a pack of cigarettes offering them out to both men, who declined, before shoving one into his own mouth.

Jeonghan took a seat next to Chan, his arms flinging around his body while wearing a wider smile than Chan had ever seen on his face before. "I'm so proud of you, kid. We never thought this day was going to happen!"

While appreciative of all of the support, Chan couldn't help but feel like the entire situation was ridiculous. Like he was sat with his parents that just found out their son was getting married, not that he was sat in his friends' living room after kissing his roommate. Chan pushed off Jeonghan, a polite smile on his face while he pulled himself off the couch.

"Yeah, I did it, but nothing is going to happen with him." The couple shared a confused look. "I told him I forgot it all because it didn't feel right. It was just okay, I didn't feel anything." Chan wrapped his arms around himself, taking slow steps back towards the front door. He wanted the conversation to be over quickly.

Jeonghan quickly followed and placed a hand on either of his arms to stop him from moving away anymore. "But you initiated it? You must have felt something before, right?" 

Chan shrugged and Jeonghan dropped his hands to his side, a disappointed sigh following his action.

"All I could think about was what you said, to just go for it. So I made an opportunity and took it, I guess it was a mistake." He sighed and rubbed his hand against his neck, he squeezed it, pushing his nails into the skin until it hurt. "I don't know why I couldn't just be clear with him, maybe I was just scared of losing a friend. And maybe it's just inexperience talking, but I should still feel something, right?" He looked towards Jeonghan's face, who's gaze was focused on the ground and glanced over to Seungcheol, searching his eyes for understanding. "I should feel... something, for anyone. I don't... I don't know why I can't feel anything for anyone." A slither of wetness trickled down his cheek, he was crying but he wasn't sure why.

"It's different for some people." Another voice piped up, one that Chan hadn't even noticed was in the room. Just outside of a door, on the other side of the room, Jisoo rested against a wooden door, his arms crossed over his chest. "For some people it takes longer to understand what they feel, and that's okay. You just need to take chances."

Soundlessly, Jisoo crossed the room until he was face to face with Chan, a small but comforting smile adorning his perfect face. He placed a hand on his shoulder, and squeezed it slightly, an act of sympathy. "It took me years to finally find someone I actually liked romantically," he said, squeezing again. "I dated these two off and on again, but it wasn't really anything real for me. It wasn't until I met Seokmin that I even considered that though, and it wasn't until he asked me out that I realised it."

Chan noticed the way that both Jeonghan and Seungcheol eased and moved closer to each other, an arm looping over Jeonghan's back and a simple forehead kiss that sent a pang of jealousy through Chan's chest. 

"What if it never happens for me? What if I never meet that person for me?" Chan asked, his words tumbling out and gaze darting across the room.

Jisoo smiled a little brighter, calming him almost instantly. It was weird how his presence alone could do that. "Then it doesn't happen, there's more to life than relationships, Chan. Don't feel pressured to get into one because everyone else around you is. But also don't let fear hold you back if you do find someone you could see yourself with. It's not always obvious who you're meant to be with."

Chan didn't have much control over his actions when he pulled Jisoo into a hug, his arms tightening around the older males body until his heard his bones click slightly, an apology falling out immediately. They stayed there for a few minutes, Jisoo's own arms also tightly around Chan, they didn't say anything, the comfortable silence having more meaning than any words could. Chan whispered a little 'thank you' before finally releasing, wiping a few loose tears that had tumbled out before leaving for the door again. He would come back later, when his eyes weren't blurring with tears.

***

His walk back was slow and boring, he had left his earphones at the dorm so no music accompanied him. His footsteps turned into their own melody in his mind, a continuous tapping against concrete that drilled itself into his head.

His focus was immediately interrupted when a familar head of blond hair walked past him, a wire dangling from his ears while he mouthed something silently to himself.

Without hesitation, Chan stopped in his spot and reached out for the male's shoulder, making the boy jump under his grasp. He turned around quickly, earbud in hand and shocked look plastered to his face. "Do I know you?" He asked, surprise replaced with confusion.

Chan smiled bashfully, and raked a hand through his hair, a few strands catching underneath his nails. "You probably don't recognise me, but I'm Hansol's friend. From the party." The blond boy's mouth turned into the shape of an O, his frown turning into a smile as he remembered.

"Yeah, I didn't recognise you. Chan, right?" Seungkwan asked, and stepped towards Chan to avoid getting in any other people's way. Chan nodded with a smile, he wasn't sure exactly why he stopped to talk to the male, but he was enjoying it nonetheless.

"Hansol hasn't shut up about you since the party, he really enjoys having you as a friend." Chan smiled, feeling a little awkward suddenly.

Seungkwan laughed politely, clearly feeling awkward himself. The two of them had never had a conversation before, Chan wasn't sure why he thought the middle of the sidewalk without a 'buffer' friend, also known as Hansol, was a good idea. "He talks about you a lot to me too, he really admires your work ethic."

Chan nodded and blew out a puff of air from his cheeks, rocking backwards and forth on his legs while trying to think of something to say. He was usually quite good with speaking with new people, and it wasn't like Seungkwan was being standoffish. It was him that was the issue.

"I'm actually meeting up with him now, at the café across the street, if you want to come." Seungkwan offered, his entire face beaming with happiness. Chan understood why Hansol liked him so much, he was so easy to be around, bringing up the mood with just his smile alone.

Chan was about to say 'yes' before he stopped himself, remembering the situation of the night prior. "I wouldn't want to intrude." He said shrugging. 

Seungkwan said something unintelligible and then tugged on Chan's arm, pulling him across the street to the café. He resisted pulling away and making things awkward so let himself get pulled further into down the street until he was stood just outside of the Express Moon café, the same place he'd be clocking in for work later that day.

He couldn't help but be disappointed when Junhui wasn't stood behind the counter, no comforting smile or excitable chatter while he ordered. Just simple, polite small talk until three coffees were placed into his hands. He paid with cash, he had a lot of it laying around since the fridge incident.

Hansol and Seungkwan were sat in a booth facing each other, leaving Chan with the choice of sitting next to them, both options looked awkward but he finally positioned himself next to Hansol, a poor attempt of a relaxed smile shared between them.

"So... what's new with you?" Hansol asked, Chan couldn't tell who the question was aimed at but his focus was on the way his roommate's hands fiddled with the fabric of his jeans, picking at the blue material.

"I was thinking about dying my hair soon," Seungkwan responds, the same smile from earlier on his face. "It's not been long since I bleached it but I've been wanting a change." 

Polite conversation continued for a few minutes before a long silence replaced it, disturbed every few seconds with slurps of drinks. "I was thinking of dying my hair too," Chan began, his own hair had been neglected for a while and it was bothering him more than it usually did. "It's long overdue, but I was thinking going back to brown, easier to manage." 

Seungkwan seemed to like the idea, and even suggested that they go to the hairdressers together. Chan accepted the offer but assumed that the plans would never be made, they didn't even have each other's numbers.

The silence came back, and so did the awkwardness. Chan was about to excuse himself to the bathroom to see if the two other males could pick up a conversation while he was gone when Seungkwan piped up, his own excuse blurting out instead.

Both Chan and Hansol watched him as he left, an uneasiness remaining in his absence. They both sat in silence, looking down at their drinks and picking at their clothing.

"Dying your hair again, then?" Hansol asked, breaking the silence. It felt like all of his conversations with people were about his hair recently.

"Yeah. Getting a little tired of the blond now. Plus I could do with it getting cut." He reached for his hair, the ends reaching out to the bottom of his neck. Hansol nodded, peering at the length before returning back to his coffee.

Chan thought about what Jisoo had told him earlier, to not let fear hold him back. He considered the reason why he freaked out so much over their kiss was him fearing the possiblities of getting into a relationship, the fear of ruining their friendship. He tried to imagine himself dating Hansol: holding his hand, telling him he loved him, even sleeping together. It wasn't that it was unappealing or that he couldn't imagine it happening, it just felt wrong. Like he was forcing something to happen. He tried to think harder, if starting something up with his roommate was really worth it or if both Hansol and Chan would get hurt in the process. But wasn't this awkwardness also hurting them both?

Jisoo's comforting words lingered in his mind, but so did Jeonghan's. To know if you don't want something is to experience it, and Chan had little to no experience. He let his gaze linger on the male sat beside him, allowing him to memorise each imperfection that made him, him.

"I remember it." Chan blurted, he already regretted it.

"What?"

Chan shuffled in his seat, the plastic covering squeaking underneath him. "Last night, I remember everything." He forced his eyes to meet Hansol's, his gaze was intense.

Hansol cleared his throat, his entire face changing from pale to pink. "You do? Everything?"

Chan nodded, his hands growing clammy in his lap. He couldn't help but think this was a bad idea. It was too late now, in too deep to stop now. Jeonghan would be proud of him, he reminded himself, Jisoo too, probably.

"It's a little blurry in some places, but yeah." 

Looking a mix of relieved and nervous, Hansol fell into the back of the booth, his butt almost sliding off the chair in the process. He pushed himself up and moved himself dangerously close to Chan, his breath tingling against his skin. Instinctively, Chan shuffled backwards and chuckled sheepishly, his hand automatically rubbing the back of his neck. 

Hansol stared at his face for a moment before leaning back, his mouth curved downwards in disappointment. "Was the whole thing this morning an act? Pretending you didn't remember, to not hurt my feelings." Damn. He was good.

Chan didn't enjoy lying, well he did, he enjoyed telling little white lies, bluffing in games and he was good at it. But he didn't like lying to Hansol, something about his undying trust in him made him want to not break it. Although, his longing to avoid the difficult conversation that would inevitably begin outweighed any desire to be a good person.

"No, it wasn't. I only remembered it when I came here today, it's why I was so awkward." Not a complete lie, but pretty damn close. "I wanted to talk to you when we got back to the dorm," Just straight up lying now. Great. "But the uncomfortableness of this was killing me." 

Hansol sighed in relief, his mouth going back to his coffee that had to have gone cold by the time they had sat there.

"Plus I think Seungkwan crawled out of the bathroom window or something to get away from... This." He gestured to the two of them, waving his arms in the air, they crashed into his lap. 

A chuckle sounded beside him, the first honest smile that Chan had seen since the morning on his face, all gummy and cute. He fought the urge to slap it off of him, instead smiling with him. There was an undeniable comfort that lingered between them, one that Chan would have to be completely oblivious to ignore. 

Perhaps he was twisting Jisoo's words in his mind, maybe he was looking at it from the completely wrong angle. But looking at the boy completely infatuated by him, smiling like he won the lottery whenever he was around, he could let himself take the step. For Hansol to get the guy he likes, and for Chan to finally get to experience what he had been missing for so long. 

He leaned in for a moment, stopping centimetres before their noses could touch when he remembered where he was, as progressive as his friends were, he couldn't speak for the rest of the country. He changed his target, instead moving his hand to cover Hansol's, squeezing it gently. The older male let out a gasp, his gaze dropping to the hand, turning around his own to hold it. 

Strangely enough, it didn't feel like any lines had been crossed until his hand was in his. Even though they shared the kiss the night before, Chan had still had the chance to leave, to tell him the truth, that he wasn't actually comfortable with dating anyone. But that would mean admitting to himself the truth, and he's always been a good liar. Especially to himself.

They were so lost in the moment that they didn't even notice when Seungkwan returned from the bathroom, only realising his presence when he was leaving; a shade of blond ran past the glass door, the entrance bell jingling behind him. Hansol didn't seem to notice though, his eyes still locked onto Chan with admiration. Fuck, what had he done?

***

It had been a few days since they had started 'dating', fuck, they were dating now, weren't they? Nothing had really happened, Chan hadn't told anyone about the development, and assumed that Hansol hadn't either other than maybe to Seungkwan, but he wasn't even sure if they were talking anymore. 

To hear radio silence about the boy he had learned so much about through Hansol felt strange — wrong. Perhaps it was just Chan's mind whirring about every possible thing that could be going wrong with his and Hansol's 'relationship', which he had spent more of his time thinking about than not. But there was definitely something off, it wasn't like he could just call up Seungkwan and ask him, "Hey, it's Chan. Yeah, the Chan you ran away from in the café after you saw him holding hands with your best friend." And asking Hansol seemed like a bad idea as it would mean actually having to talk to him. Oh, yeah, Chan hadn't spoken to his roommate properly since the day too. Passing discussions happened in the early morning while Hansol was waking up and Chan was getting ready to spend the day either at work or at the studio. But other than that they had gone back to avoiding each other, or rather Chan was avoiding him.

After being berated for the last two hours, Chan was finally released from Soonyoung's dancing hell. He was about to head for the front door when a hand wrapped around his bicep, gently stopping him in his tracks. A flash of white hair was enough to tell him that Soonyoung had something 'super important' to tell him, their after-practice discussions were either about him being disappointed in how little they were progressing or asking if he was going to be attending the next party in some random dormroom or apartment. Both topics had very similar responds, a shrug and an apology.

"Can you wait for a minute, I just need you to do me a favour." Soonyoung asked, he ushered Chan to take a seat on the bench which was used more as a shoe rack. Either way, he complied, it wasn't always an amazing idea to piss of Soonyoung, especially when he had the power to make practice a living hell.

A couple minutes passed, and so did Chan's patience, he considered just leaving when Soonyoung didn't ask anything of him, maybe he forgot and was about to be locked in the studio all night. Albeit that didn't sound too bad for him wanting to avoid his own roommate.

He decided to wait though, his hands digging into his bag for his phone. There were a few messages, some spam, one from Junhui from earlier asking if he was going to show up at practice, he considered responding 'no' as a joke, but his focus was redirected to a different message. 

Unsaved Number

> Hey Chan, it's Jisoo, Jeonghan's friend. Just wanted to check in after you ran out the other day. Jeonghan's been really worried, he keeps pacing around in his bedroom blaming himself for making you upset. It's really sweet actually.

> Don't tell him I said that.

> But seriously, he's really worried. Maybe we could all go out for coffee just to catch up, or just you two, maybe Seungcheol too. He's been worried too.

Chan couldn't help but smile at the messages, there was something really sweet about Jisoo, like he genuinely cared about everything and everyone. It was hard to imagine him as the drunk man making out in the corner of parties that he had seen, but everyone had another side to themselves at the end of the day. He saved his number and then started to type a reply, he was quickly stopped by a voice asking for his name. Soonyoung was back. Finally.

But he wasn't alone, his arm was tucked around a timid looking Seungkwan, it looked like he was forcing him to go forward. His hair wasn't blond anymore meaning he went through with his plan of dying it, Chan couldn't say the same for himself, his brown roots more noticable than the bleach. 

He noticed another body stood in the corner by the entrance, Lee Seokmin. Jisoo's boyfriend, Soonyoung and Seungkwan's best friend. It seemed like everyone Chan knew knew Seokmin, it was odd that they had never really interacted before. Except from the embarassing incident at the party a few weeks prior, the moment would come back to him some nights, a bit of embarassment to keep him awake.

Soonyoung left Seungkwan alone with Chan, replacing his hand around Seungkwan to thread around Seokmin's instead, standing outside to allow some privacy.

"What's up?" Chan said once they left, a tingling sense of dread creeping up his spine. Seungkwan sighed and began to pace the room, quietly muttering to himself in a speed that Chan couldn't keep up with. "Sorry, what? What's the matter?"

Seungkwan sighed again but stopped pacing, and raked a hand through his light pink hair. Chan had to admit the pink really suited him, almost as much as the blond. It was hard to think of the boy not being a natural blond.

"Are you and Hansol dating?" Chan froze, his breath hitched in his throat.

"Did he tell you?" He asked, his hands fidgeted in his lap.

Seungkwan shook his head, and stepped closer, his footsteps echoing against the linoleum floor. "He hasn't spoken to me since the café. Well, I haven't exactly reached out to him either but it's not like him to go a couple hours without sending me something, anything. Let alone a few days"

Chan looked up at Seungkwan, his eyes were already on him attempting to disect any information he could get out by just looking at him. It seems like he gets out everything he can before he resumes talking, taking a seat on the bench beside Chan, the wood creaking slightly. The bench had been there long before Chan even started attending the college, there was a reason why it was only used for shoes.

"Because you're his roommate, and he's insanely in love with you. I figured you'd know what's up with him, but from your reaction I'm assuming not. Is it not going well between you or something?" Seungkwan's voice was quiet, barely audible to anyone that wasn't sat next to him. Maybe he was trying to avoid the others hearing them from outside, or maybe it was something else entirely. It sounded more like... disappointment?

Chan's heart felt heavy in his chest, it had occured to him that if neither he or Seungkwan had spoken to him, the chances of him speaking to anyone in the last few days was slim. And to think it was all his fault too, getting into something he wasn't ready to start.

"...Not really." He sighed and dropped his head into his hands, he had unintentially made everyone around him miserable. Whether they were worrying about him or worrying because of him, there was an obvious common factor. Chan. He groaned at how his stupid pity party had affected everyone around him without realising. Seungkwan placed a sympathetic hand on his back, rubbing circles around his spine comfortingly. "I don't think I'm ready to start anything with him. Or with anyone. I feel like I'm forcing myself into something that isn't me, and it's hurting everyone else in the process." 

The amount of people that helped him with whatever stupid teenage problems seemed to grow endless. Mingyu, Wonwoo, Junhui, Jeonghan, Jisoo, Seungcheol, even Seungkwan and Hansol. 

"Look, I have no idea what's going on with you. And from what I've heard, neither does Hansol. If you think that you're not ready, that you're forcing yourself or that he's simply not the right person; you need to tell him." His hand paused on Chan's back, moving to squeeze his shoulder instead. "I've not known him for even close to the amount of time you two have known each other, but what I do know is that this will be killing him. All you two do lately is avoid each other, it's ridiculous, honestly. And I'm the person you both run too, I should start charging for hourly therapy sessions." He chuckled and retracted his hand, the bench creaked again this time with relief as one of the bodies weighing it down stood up. "Think about whatever you're going to do, it sounds like you have a lot of people that are going to support you no matter the outcome, including both myself and Hansol. But just try not to hurt him in the process, I trust you'll do the right thing for him. That's all I ask."

Chan wasn't sure how long Seungkwan's hand was outstretched in front of him, offering to pull him up from the bench but he didn't really care either. He grabbed it with both hands and yanked himself up, he was right. About literally everything, shit, Chan hated people like that. 

After Seungkwan had left it took him barely a minute to reach into his bag for his phone again, his fingers scrolled through his contacts until he hit Hansol, and hit call.

***

Having this discussion over a meal in a public place was probably not Chan's smartest idea, especially when he had no idea what he was going to say. He was relatively confident that he would finally say the truth about what he felt, or whatever little he understood of it.

Chan had picked a small American themed diner that they had visited a few times, he didn't really think when choosing the place, but afterwards he considered the fact he could've chosen it to create a sense of familarity for Hansol. But, once again, he could be misinterpreting his own thought process entirely. It was strange, he always felt like the people around him new him better than he knew himself. It was infuriating.

Hansol walked through the front door on the exact minute they had said they'd meet up, barely seconds ticking by after the clock hit nine. He silently slid into the chair opposite Chan, his hands lingered over the menu for a second before leaving it, instead he stared at his hands fidgeting on the table.

"Sorry that we haven't really seen each other recently, I've just been really busy." Chan began, clearing his throat. He hated how the air around them always felt awkward now, too many unsaid things.

"It's fine, I understand."

Chan moved his hands to cover Hansol's - mistake number one - and leaned closer, lowering his voice. "It's not though, I've been unfair to you." Hansol looked up, there was a sense of relief beaming from him.

"I am so sorry for how I have been treating you; avoiding you, leading you on, lying to you." Something flickers through Hansol's eyes that Chan couldn't catch, it annoyed him whenever that happened. "Relationships aren't exactly my expertise, if you couldn't tell." He laughed dryly, releasing Hansol's hands and placing his into his lap. 

It was Hansol's turn to chuckle, however his felt more real, more genuine. "I have known you for the last year, Chan. You'd have to be an idiot to think that I don't know what I'm getting into." He smiles, there's a hint of sadness in it but the rest had a lightness to it. But that could just be Chan deflecting his comfort into him, a sense of ease seemed to always follow Hansol's smile. "Lee Chan. I really, really like you. Honestly, I'm surprised you've never noticed before. And if you can't tell, I like all of you, the parts that you love, like, or even hate about yourself. All of it. All of you."

Chan had never received a love declaration before, and thus had no idea what one sounded like but he was pretty sure that was one. 

Now he considered everything Seungkwan had told him, everything that Jisoo had told him and even what Jeonghan told him. And while, following their advice, he should tell him that he doesn't believe he's ready, he decided to ignore that. Chan decided in that moment to push past whatever teenage crap was holding him back and let himself plummet headfirst into this, into him. 

"Okay." He said simply, his mouth turned upwards and his eyes crinkled. He may not feel the most comfortable about it but that was the whole thing with risks and chances, right? Taking that step that seems scary or wrong, the difference between fear and cowardice. Chan was determined to see it though, if not for himself for Hansol.

Their night moved on, the once awkward silences being filled with excitable chatter and light flirting. It was new and scary for both of them, but it was also a mission one that Chan refused to fail.

A couple hours passed by and the diner was replaced by their dormroom, cushioned seats switched out to Hansol's bed, the mattress a little hard but Chan didn't care when he saw how happy Hansol was, the way every sentence he said would be with a smile. Sighs of contentment not sadness or disappointment. It was all for him in the end.

Seungkwan would be proud. After all that's all both of them wanted. A happy Hansol. He deserved it, no matter the cost.

Chan stayed beside Hansol until his eyes drooped and his speech turned into yawns. Seeing him happy doing simple things together such as watching random dramas that they had picked off Netflix to pass the time conjured a warm feeling in Chan's chest. As long as he's happy. 

But when the happiness faded into tiredness, once Hansol's head rested against Chan's shoulder as he tipped towards unconsiousness, the warmth dissipated, and a foggy numbness replaced it.

Chan returned back to his bed, careful with his movements as to not wake up his sleeping friend. He sat. His mind blank. Gaze focused on the unconsious body rising and falling with each breath. The fogginess didn't leave, it consumed his chest until it felt like he couldn't breathe. Tightened at his neck and clawed at his collarbone. It wasn't right, it would never be right. But Hansol was happy, that's what mattered. 

He was in a relationship: Jeonghan, Mingyu, Wonwoo and Seungcheol proud, happy. Hansol was happy: Seungkwan proud, happy. He chose his own path: Jisoo proud, happy.

Everyone was proud of him. Everyone was happy because of him. No more disappointment, no more worry. Proud. Happy.

Chapter Text

"You are my lover,

But you are so cold, babe.

I don't understand,

Do you love me so?

Crying, the sky is crying."

A familiar and soft voice enveloped the small café, melancholic lyrics floated through the air; hearts swelled and tears threatened to trickle with every verse.

Xu Minghao, Junhui's best friend, often sung during the night shift at Express Moon Café, he never asked for payment and supplied his own microphone, speakers and instruments. He was free entertainment that brought in customers with his silky tongue and intoxicating presence. It wasn't rare that he'd find a mesmerised fangirl following him afterwards only to be shut down and dismissed with barely a second thought. 

Minghao never seemed very interested in getting in relationships, that was until he met Junhui at least, whether either of them know it yet, it was clear they were utterly smitten for each other. Mingyu and Chan had a bet going for who of them would end up confessing first, Chan's money was on Minghao.

Chan wasn't sure whether Minghao only played at the café to gain attention from Junhui, or if it was his way of wooing him but he didn't mind it. He quite enjoyed the way his delicate voice bounced off of the walls, the atmosphere somehow always felt calmer even with the increase in customers. 

After a long conversation with Junhui that could've been cut down to less than ten words, Chan found out that Minghao tended to write whatever song he preformed, including the one from that night. 'Cold Love' he called it, it was beautiful and while Chan didn't understand much Chinese or English, the song still weighed heavy on his heart. Especially when a pair of eyes in the corner of the room seemed to land on him with specific lyrics.

Hansol and Chan had been officially dating for a little over two weeks, meaning that school has started back up again, and to say that Chan had been the perfect boyfriend would be a blatant lie, and an unbelievable one at that.

He wasn't intentionally acting in an 'anti-romance' way, and Hansol (for the most part) seemed to be very patient with him: allowing Chan to initiate physical contact and keeping his distance in school. It wasn't like he was oblivious to how he was treating him, and he wasn't happy with it either. The whole point of why he got with Hansol was to keep him happy, but for some reason it was growing increasingly harder as time passed.

During the first few days, Chan had found it easy to please him, whenever they were out he would leave teasing kisses when there was no one else around, and while they were alone he would push in deeper, allow Hansol to take control of whatever he needed from him. 

But by the end of the first week Chan was exhausted, Soonyoung had even picked up on it during practices, asking him after if he was okay and slept well the night before. Even Junhui was concerned after he dropped a cup of coffee in a customers lap, Chan hadn't seen the customer since.

Hansol and Seungkwan had visited to say hello barely an hour before, but much like the rest of the people crowding in the café, they were entranced by Minghao's voice and stayed for longer, Chan spotted their heads swaying in sync with the music occasionally.

Once the song had reached its ending, the entire room erupted with applause and cheers, Chan swore he saw some tears in Junhui's eyes too before he wiped them away. He strolled over to him while he prepared his teasing, but was quickly brought to an embarrassing stop when he attempted to place a hand on Junhui's shoulder that vanished into the crowd while he ran towards his friend. 

Awkwardly, Chan shoved his hand into his pocket and instead watched Junhui as he wrapped his arms around Minghao, he couldn't hear what he was saying but he was certain it was praise of sorts from the way Minghao's cheeks flushed pink.

"Are they dating yet?" A voice asked beside Chan, snapping his gaze away from the embracing males. Hansol was stood beside him, his hands were submerged into his pockets while he lightly brushed his arms against Chan's.

Chan chuckled and swayed slightly in his spot. "Not yet," he grinned, his eyes scanned the room for Hansol's pink-haired friend, nowhere to be seen. "Where's Seungkwan? Wasn't he just here?"

Hansol nodded and glanced towards the entrance, he must have just missed him leave. "Got a call from Seokmin, important stuff apparently."

Chan made an 'ahh' noise and bit at his cheek, blood dripping onto his tongue, he swallowed, the awkwardness between them was growing unbearable these days. 

"Are you free after your shift?" Hansol finally said, his eyes looked up at Chan, almost pleading. In reality he did kind of have plans, they weren't the most glamorous ones, they consisted of trying to get ahead of the classes he knew he was less likely to do well in. But, he had been neglecting Hansol lately, and it looked like it was affecting him — he nodded, smiling.

"I am, why~?" He asked in a singsong voice and looped his arm around Hansol's, Chan swore Hansol's smile lit up to double its normal size. 

A little hesitant, Hansol tightened his arm around Chan's turning to fully face him. "I was talking to Wonwoo the other day and apparently Mingyu keeps going on about doing a double date with us. And I was wondering if you would be up for it?" He asked, and Chan had to admit he did look cute in this moment.

"Tonight?"

"Yeah, I know they're free because he kept talking about playing League of Legends with one of his friends and that Mingyu would be complaining the entire time." Hansol blurted, his free hand rested in the crook of his neck, index finger running circles on his neck.

Chan hummed for a moment and then said, "Okay!" Earning an excited "cool" from Hansol.

***

Mingyu and Wonwoo arrived together hand in hand, an overexcited grin on Mingyu's face accompanied by a timid one on his boyfriend's. They hadn't dressed up much, looking presentable but still informal in their black jeans and collared shirts, which was a relief for Chan who had about ten minutes to wash up after work and just threw on the first thing he saw — one-size-too-big trousers and plain, white, button-up shirt. Hansol seemed to have put in the same amount of effort too, his outfit almost matching his, the only difference being the colour of his top.

Chan and Hansol had decided to take a seat in the booth side-by-side, their hands loosely interlocked by Hansol's request.

"You guys are so cute!" Mingyu exclaimed, and reached over the table to tightly hug Chan, an over-exaggerated kiss was pushed against the top of his head. "I'm so happy you wanted to do this, we've only been on double dates with Seungcheol and Jeonghan and you know how they are..." He grimaced. Chan did know how they were, unbothered by judgement around them and very... physical with one another, even in public.

Wonwoo waved from his seat, and dragged Mingyu down to sit next to him and whispered something about giving Chan space, their hands intertwined almost immediately under the table. "Sorry, I just can't believe this is happening," he turns to Wonwoo, a smirk on his face. "Seungcheol owes me 50,000₩." Wonwoo chuckled and nudged him with his elbow, Mingyu gasped and rubbed his arm pouting until he gave him a quick peck on the cheek. The sweetness of it all was sickening.

Ignoring the bet made on his love life, Chan tightened the grasp around Hansol's hand, there was an ache in his chest whenever he saw the two of them being romantic in their own, sometimes, subtle ways. And even now, after getting a partner of his own, the ache grew stronger, and so did the need to prove himself to everyone else that he could be just as romantic if not more. He rested his head against Hansol's shoulder, and attempted to to relax the stiffness of his body when doing so, imagining that it was just them in their room watching a movie rather than in the middle of a restaurant surrounded by strangers. Hansol seemed to like it at least, he relaxed his shoulder underneath Chan's head, moving his own to allow Chan's to rest into the crook of his neck. It would have been comfortable in any other situation.

He seemed to have feigned contentment well from the way Mingyu's entire face lit up, and even Wonwoo was smiling at the two of them. They stayed like that for a while, engaging in easy conversation until a waitress came over to ask for their order.

As soon as she approached the table, Hansol stiffened under Chan's head causing him to retract it immediately. A confused glance was sent towards the two of them, while an apologetic and guilty on radiated off Hansol. He looked down at his own menu, quickly asking for his order and avoiding Chan's eager and confused gaze stuck onto him.

"We were shy at first too..." Mingyu said timidly, his eyes flickered between Chan and Hansol, resting finally on Chan alone. "It'll take time but you'll get more comfortable with small things in public." He smiled comfortingly, and wrapped an arm around Wonwoo, squeezing him lightly.

Wonwoo smiled softly too, and lowered his voice so only those at the table could hear. "Big displays like kissing is bound to get odd stares but little things like hand holding and closeness is okay, you'll both get used to it eventually." His leg moved to nudge Hansol's under the table, Hansol's head immediately snapped up to face him, it was only then that Chan realised their hands were no longer interlocked, he wondered how long they had been separated and cursed himself for not noticing sooner. He grabbed his hand in his while the thought passed, his thumb running over the smooth skin — there was a callus on his forefinger, the skin rough and peeling slightly.

Hansol nodded soundlessly and returned the grip on Chan's hand, a very small smile was on his face, almost impossible to tell the difference from his usual stoic expression, but it was there.

The food came and so did the drinks, Chan and Wonwoo were still on their firsts while Mingyu and Hansol had already on their third. Hansol had never really been a drinker, he would have a couple if other people were drinking around him but never enough to get drunk, and he had never matched Mingyu's amount either. His lack of experience in consuming alcohol in a fast pace was not subtle, the way his face would scrunch up after each shot and how he couldn't help coughing from the warmth. Mingyu seemed to find it funny though, happy to have another drinking buddy — even if it was just for that night.

A fifth bottle of soju had hit the table, Chan's shot glass was still half full from the third and Wonwoo's contained the last few dregs of the fourth. The two had had around a bottle between them, while the other four were being poured down their dates throats and destroying their liver and scrambling their mind. 

Since Mingyu pushed Chan out of the booth seat to sit next to Hansol, Chan had moved to his chair beside Wonwoo, sharing worried glances over the state of the two boys.

"Mingyu-ah... Maybe we should go now, I don't want you throwing up all night." Wonwoo groaned and grabbed his things – pushing them deep into his pockets. 

Mingyu let out a long, high-pitched whine and flickered his gaze between Chan and Hansol, practically begging them for a reason to stay. Chan was a lost cause in asking and Hansol was almost passed out on his shoulder blabbering and hiccuping like a newborn baby. It was an unusual sight to say the least.

"We should probably get going too," Chan began, and sighed softly, he shouldn't have let Hansol get so bad under his watch. "I have practice early tomorrow, so I need as much sleep as I can to be able to deal with Soonyoung for a few hours." Wonwoo nodded at the excuse and dragged Mingyu to his feet, his arms hanging around the smaller male's shoulders.

Mingyu huffed again and pushed himself up, a little wobbly but standing. "Can't I stay with Hansol-lie then? We're having fun."

Hansol shot his head up at the mention of his name, nodding and shoving his thumbs up before his head plummeted against the undoubtedly sticky table, Chan had never seen him like this. 

"You two are in no state to get home safe," Chan frowned and crossed his arms. "Plus I need to keep an eye on Hansol to see if I need to call 112 to have his stomach pumped." His arm looped under Hansol's and yanked him up, his body limp and heavy against Chan's shoulder.

A usually ten minute walk took thirty fucking minutes.

***

"I wouldn't take it to heart," Junhui smiled between chugs of water, sweat beaded on his forehead and trickled down his temple - they had been practicing for a little over two hours now. "I'm sure he was just nervous because you were in public, it's difficult for new relationships to get comfortable." 

Hansol's odd behaviour had been churning in Chan's mind all night: the excessive amounts of alcohol, the distancing and fear on his face. It was weird, wasn't he the one that wanted it to behind with? Maybe he was having doubts, Chan surely was.

"Maybe, but it just seemed more terrified rather than nervous — is he embarassed of me?" Chan asked, he bit his lower lip, catching some skin on his teeth. 

Junhui gasped and grabbed onto Chan's shoulder taking him off guard. "There is no way in hell Hansol could be embarassed of you, have you not seen the way he fawns over you? It's sad and cute all at the same time." Chan shrugged which caused Junhui to spin around, quite dramatically. "Minghao!" The resting male's eyes shot open from the bench beside them. "Isn't it true that Hansol is incredibly, tooth rottingly smitten towards our Chan-nie." He asked, pouting.

"Disgustingly so."

"Exactly! The fact that you don't see that is baffling." Junhui grinned and ruffled his hair. "Other than the awkward night, how is it going? Not broken his heart yet I hope?"

Their conversation must have caught Soonyoung's attention with how he pounced across the room, his arms flung around Chan's. "You all seem well rested, from the top?" He grinned, and pinched Chan's cheek. He pushed him off with a mock grimace, which was gratefully accepted and returned with a middle finger and a "little shit."

"Jun-nie~ Soonyoung-hyung called me a bad word." Chan whined dramatically, hiding away behind the eldest. They all laughed at that which relieved Chan, knowing that the conversation had moved past him and Hansol.

After laughing longer than the joke deserved Soonyoung patted the younger male's shoulder, a stern expression on his face. "I'm serious though, we need to go through one more run-through before Jihoon kicks us out of here, his dad's using the place and doesn't want to get himself or us in trouble for being here." 

Lee Jihoon, the enigmatic, rich loner who's dad is the university's main investor. Yeah, he's that rich. And apparently when your father is an investor for a school they'll give you whatever you want, including an entire dance and recording studio with just about every instrument you could think of. 

Normally, the dance studio would only be used for actual lessons, or it could be booked out for an extortionate price that no one ever paid. But after Jihoon got close to Soonyoung a couple of years before the dance studio was open for their little dance group, well, that part was a bit of a secret anyway. While they never really tested the idea, Jihoon was practically certain that his father would flip out at the idea of people using the studio for free and so never asked, the only requirement being for them to practice at the same time as Jihoon did in the recording studio. And it wasn't like it was very hard to co-ordinate schedules as he spent almost his entire life in there.

As if he was summoned by the mention of his name, Jihoon appeared in the doorway; it wasn't very often that Chan would see him wander into the dance studio, and when he did he'd either sit in the corner watching like a hawk or engage in hushed conversation with Soonyoung. Soonyoung and Jihoon's relationship had always been something of a question mark to Chan (and just about everyone) one second they'd be always together, joined by the hip and the next they'll be giving each other uncomfortable glances from opposite sides of the room.

"Time to go, then" Soonyoung sighed sadly. "Wanna go out for drinks?" His mood quickly perking up again.

Chan grimaced at his question, the soju from the night before still coated his tastebuds and he was certain that if he drank more the night before would come back like a reoccurring nightmare. Junhui seems to pick up on this and shakes his head, an arm looped around Chan's neck. "Minghao only drinks on special occasions, remember. Also I have a class early tomorrow and I'll miss my alarm if I'm hung over."

Soonyoung pouted but accepted the refusal, it quickly faded into a smile that lit up his entire face. A new idea, oh boy. 

Surprisingly, he ran over to Jihoon and dragged him over annoyed but passive to his antics. Seemed like they were on good terms then. "We could all do something together." He grinned and chucked his arms over Jihoon's shoulders, who did not seem to like the gesture but also gave no effort to shrug him off.

"Like...?" Chan asked, he slipped his bag over his shoulder and fumbled his hand around to find his phone at the bottom, a couple notifications lit up at him which he ignored and shoved back into his bag. An unknown number that he couldn't be bothered to read, which was probably a scam and a message from Hansol seeing if he was free for lunch. He was, obviously, but he was hoping to have plans within the next few seconds.

Soonyoung opened his mouth to offer an idea before being silenced by Junhui, his arm still tightly around Chan's neck. "I need to get back to the dorm and get some assignments done, and Chan has some things he needs to sort out too. So we're going to walk back together, have fun with whatever you're going to do." He smiled warmly, urging Chan out the door and only speaking when he knew he was out of earshot. "You're having lunch with him Lee Chan."

Chan's mouth dropped open, his eyes drifting to his bag that was still slung over his shoulder, the phone containing the message still inside. "How did you–?"

"I'm nosy." He shrugged, dropping his arm to his side. His pace was a little faster than Chan usually walked at, an ache grew at his abdomen after a few minutes.

Silence filled the space, or at least the verbal kind. Everywhere around them was bustling with noise, from the rustle of trees as autumn was finally returning to the excited screams of children nearby. It was pleasant but there was still an awkwardness in the air, Chan wondered if Junhui could feel it too. "What do I say?" He asked, breaking the silence.

"The truth, whatever it is." He responded calmly, and slowed his pace slightly. "I don't know Hansol as well as you do, but I know that he values honesty. And really likes you, I'm sure that he's been wanting to tell you about whatever was bothering him." 

Just as he was about to reply a familar flash of pink appeared in front of them, almost tumbling into the two of them. "Seungkwan?" Chan asked, stumbling.

The jogging boy pushed his headphones off of his ears, now positioned around his neck. "Sorry, I didn't mean to run into you. Are you going back to the dorm?"

Chan nodded and bit his cheek, a spot of blood trickling out. "Yeah, I just finished with practice. Probably going out with Hansol for lunch." He added, he wasn't sure why he did and he definitely wasn't sure why Seungkwan's entire expression deflated when he did.

"Have fun." He said, and slipped his headphones back over his head preparing to run again. Chan held out his hand to stop him before he did though, once again unsure why he did that. Impulsive decisions seems to be a common occurrence for him in the last few weeks, it was irritating.

"I wanted to say that you for your advice the other day, it's weird but I almost feel like you known Hansol better than me." Chan chuckled. Seungkwan nodded, his smile was back on his face as he turned and jogged away, his hair bouncing with each step.

Hansol was sat at their desk when Chan finally walked through the door. He had his usual chunky headphones that blocked out everything around him connected to his laptop his fingertips brushing against the tracker pad, colourful blocks of sound on his screen. It wasn't uncommon for Chan to come back to that sight, Hansol working on whatever music that was for his ears only - no matter how hard Chan tried to listen to it.

In a poor attempt to not scare him, Chan gently placed his hand on the distracted male's shoulder, who, unsurprisingly, jumped in his seat. He pushed off his headphones almost immediately and turned around, he seemed geniunely happy and surprised to see him. "Hey, I thought you were still at practice. I texted you earlier."

"I saw, I was going to reply but I just got distracted." 

Hansol seemed to accept his answer and turned back to his laptop, he furrowed his eyebrows at the screen, clicking his tongue before taking off his headphones completely and disconnecting the wire. "Can I ask for your opinion on something?"

Chan had already crumbled into his bed by the time he spoke but jumped up at the question. "Yeah, of course."

Hansol just stared at him for a few seconds, hesitation written on his face like pen. Chan offered a supportive squeeze to his shoulder to urge him on without pushing too hard, it seemed like that was enough encouragement for him to turn back to his laptop and hover over the play button. 

"I've been working on the lyrics for this song for a couple days, but I keep getting stuck. I recorded some and..." He trailed off and searched through the stack of papers messily spread across the desk. "I wrote them out too, there's a little bit of English but nothing you shouldn't understand."

The phrase 'Do Re Mi' sat in a large font on the top of the page, scrawled out lyrics underneath it that had been altered and scratched out dozens on times. Beneath the title was Hansol's English name, Vernon, and Seungkwan's name beside it. "Seungkwan helped you write it?"

Hansol nodded, his gaze was stuck on Chan's face watching him for any change of expression for both the good and the bad. Chan was very aware of his eyes on him and didn't allow the disappointment to appear on his face too strongly when Hansol nodded. Chan had considered himself as one of the people that Hansol trusted the most, or at least that's what he would tell him. It wasn't like it was a big deal, it was just music. But Hansol let someone he had known for a couple months see it before Chan, someone he had known, liked and trusted for over a year. His stomach churned, and jealousy weighed on his chest like a brick that only got heavier with each second. To make matters worse, Chan's poker face wasn't as good as it used to be.

"You don't like it?" Hansol asked, his voice was small and disappointed. Great, just what Chan needed. More guilt.

"No!" He blurted, making Hansol frown more. After realising what his reply sounded like, he stumbled over his words for a second before a coherent one came out. "No, I mean — it's great, amazing even. I love it. Honestly. I didn't mean no, I meant." Chan sighed and rubbed his palms over his face, he could feel his cheeks flush red. This was going just great. He was just going to say it, it can't be that hard, right?

"I guess I'm just a bit jealous?" He said, well, that's what he tried to say. Instead it came out in a muffled mess because his hands were still over his face. He repeated it again, and noticed how Hansol's expression morphed into confusion.

"...Of what?"

Chan groaned, he was really going to make him say it, wasn't he? "You never let me see your music before, and you've known Seungkwan for a couple months and he's not only heard your songs but also helped out with them." 

Hansol's mouth turned into the shape of an O, and then turned into a chuckle. Chan creased his brow at the action. "What?"

Without answering, Hansol flicked through his papers again and grabbed another sheet of lyrics, this one didn't have any title or credits, it didn't even really have any cohesive lyrics either. Just lines that seemed to have been scribbled out as they came to his mind. While it didn't exactly tell a story within the lyrics there was a common theme with each line, love. The kind of teenage, first loves that take up your entire mind and make you feel tingly whenever the person crosses your mind. "What is this?" Chan asked, scanning over it for anything important.

"You."

"What?"

Hansol cleared his throat, a flush of pink on the tips of his ears. "Every lyric on that page is about you, and that's the same with most songs I write. You are my muse Chan. That's why I could never show you my music, because it declared everything I felt." He took the sheet of paper back from underneath Chan's fingertips, leaving a confusing emptiness behind.

"Oh." Was all Chan could muster. He couldn't imagine doing that, being so completely entranced by just the thought of someone and let alone be able to put the words on paper. "It's beautiful."

Chan wasn't great at learning the cues that people gave when they wanted to do anything romantic. But he was pretty certain that when Hansol's gaze fell only onto his lips that that was the cue to initiate something.

It was awkward at first, Chan's back was hunched over and his neck ached from the odd positioning but he tried and melt into the kiss as much as he could. Hansol's lips were cracked and dry, a contrast from his own that were swiped with lip balm at the hint of dryness. He bit onto Hansol's bottom lip softly, and attempted to smoothen out the skin with his saliva to make the experience more enjoyable. It didn't really work.

It wasn't like Hansol was a bad kisser, in fact, he was a pretty damn good one. But Chan struggled to focus on the kiss itself, his mind drifting to the way his back hurt from bending over for so long, and how gross it was that he had someone else's spit in his mouth. The thought of it was enough to make him want to regurgitate, but he pushed through it nonetheless. Urged on by the way Hansol responded to each minor touch, that was what made Chan's heart swell, knowing that he was making Hansol happy. 

While he probably should have been thinking of other things in this moment, like the hands that were on his neck and back, fingers dancing dangerously close to his waistband, he couldn't. And then when, no matter how hard he'd try, he couldn't come up with a single good thing about the moment itself he felt like he could really throw up. Guilt churned in his stomach, he was leading him on wasn't he? Promising Hansol a relationship without asking himself whether he actually wanted it or not.

Without thinking, he pulled away, Hansol's confused and slightly aroused eyes staring up at him. Fuck, he couldn't do it. 

"Sorry," Chan whispered and took another step back. His fingers ghosted over his own plump lips, they were a little sore but he didn't care about that then. "I just don't think—"

"No it's fine. Too fast, I agree." Hansol smiled, and shrugged. He seemed so happy, Chan would be the worst friend if he took that away from him, right?

Chan never got a chance to listen to his song that day, but he did take a look through his lyrics during the night. Delicately worded love songs, fueled by teenage yearning. Chan couldn't help but feel like he was an awful person reading through them all, he might have been painted as a desirable, adorable muse for Hansol's music but it felt wrong. Like he was reading his own life through rose tinted glasses. He would have to tell him soon, before it all blew up and destroyed any possible chances of maintaining their friendship. Even though there's a chance he could have fucked that up too.

He was a liar at the end of the day, apparently a good one because he managed to fool himself in the process. Blurring the lines between love and desperation and fucking over anyone that fell victim to his delusions.

But fuck, why did it have to be Hansol? The easy option? When has dating your best friend ever been a good decision?

Chan flicked through all possible outcomes to whatever fucked up shit he had gotten himself into, and it seemed like he had to break Hansol's heart in every single one, but it was honesty he liked the most. Could Chan actually be honest to him, though? That he was using him for his own selfish desires and not taking in his supposed best friend's heart in mind when completing them.

Chan didn't sleep that night, and he didn't think he would for a while.

Chapter Text

He was finally kissing Chan. 

It wasn't like they hadn't kissed before, little pecks that Hansol had always initiated weren't uncommon, but this was. Since their first kiss there had never been anything more, and Hansol had been okay with that. Clearly, Chan was less confident in being physically affectionate to him and Hansol didn't mind being patient, but he craved moments like that, moments that made his heart flutter in his chest, and finally this was one them.

Not that he'd ever admit it out loud to anyone except from Seungkwan, Hansol had been doubting whether Chan really felt the same for him, and often brushed the thought away with the self assurance that if something was wrong that he'd tell him. Although, Hansol did keep his raging crush a secret so maybe they weren't as free to share as he wanted to be.

But none of that mattered now, all doubts faded away and only pure bliss replaced it, because he was finally kissing Lee fucking Chan. No. He wasn't kissing Chan, Chan was kissing him.

He swooned while Chan nibbled his lip, the kiss wet and hot before dipping his tongue back into his mouth. Hansol shuddered as the younger male lightly massaged the back of his neck, his other hand brushing against his forearm. It wasn't fair how easily he could untie Hansol like that.

But as quick as it happened, it also ended. Chan pulling away abruptly while Hansol's hand travelled down his spine. "Sorry." He whispered and took a step back. "I just don't think—"

Hansol probably should've expected that, for how slow they had been moving for the last couple weeks, a massive jump like that was bound to freak him out. He waved his hands and stood up, both hands resting on Chan's biceps, squeezing comfortingly. And, shit, was he always this jacked? "Calm yourself, Hansol." He mumbled to himself, and thankfully Chan didn't seem to hear. 

"It's fine, Chan. I get it, it's too fast. I agree." Hansol shrugged, and put on his most convincing smile. He really didn't want Chan to feel bad about wanting to take it slowly, as much as he wanted to move things faster. He pecked him lightly on the cheek and pushed away, giving him space.

The night moved by slowly, neither comfortable enough to say or do anything with the other one. Hansol wasn't stupid, he knew that Chan felt guilty for 'ruining' the moment but unfortunately there was nothing he could do about it except from act like it wasn't affecting him too. Which was true, kinda.

Hansol's mind wasn't on the kiss earlier, while he wished it was. Instead it was on the evening prior, the night where he got blackout drunk with Mingyu. It wasn't his plan initally to drink as much as he did, and definitely not his plan to make Chan completely miserable.

He wasn't embarassed of Chan, and he wasn't afraid of showing off in public. All day his mind had been stuck on the possiblity that Chan didn't like him the way he did, that he was only in the relationship to appease Hansol's heart. And the way his body would reject him whenever he got too close to doing anything romantic didn't help his panicked thoughts.

He couldn't stand the thought of other people looking in on his delusions, when it was just the two of them Hansol enjoyed playing his part in his very own fantasy. A relationship with Chan had been his dream for so long and the fact that it became reality felt like he was actually in a dream. But when he was surrounded by other people he found it easier to point out the bits where Chan was uncomfortable, ruining his perfect love story. Not only was Mingyu and Wonwoo watching the possibly fake love that he had made for himself, but also all of the strangers around them. He couldn't stand that. So the only reasonable solution at the time was drinking alcohol like it was water.

He loved him, and was sure about it. Hansol had loved Chan both platonically and romantically for so long, and the idea that it could be one sided ached more than he could ever describe.

He couldn't sleep that night, and it seemed like Chan couldn't either. Hansol squeezed his eyes shut as he heard Chan shuffle in his bed, crawling out and sitting in the desk chair that was position at the foot of Hansol's bed.

Chan's hands fluttered through the papers, clearly reading every lyric under his phone's torchlight. While usually he would worry if someone looked through his work without him present, he hoped Chan would read every page about him. Every love song, every syllable that spelt out how he truly felt about him, because if he did he might finally feel comfortable enough to express his own without whatever barriers he had holding him back.

He fell asleep after that, lulled with the hope of his love's happiness.

Chapter Text

Chan wasn't quite sure how he got into this situation. Curled up beside Jeonghan in his bed, spilling out all of his thoughts and feelings about the hole he had dug for himself. 

When Chan had woken up that morning after barely a few hours sleep, Hansol had already left - a message on his phone telling him that he had left for class and to have a good day. 

Once Chan finally crawled out from underneath his sheets, the long night and practice from the day before felt crushing against his body. His limbs aching from top to bottom as he wrestled on his clothing. He had initially planned to make at least one of his lessons that day, aware that if he missed too many his parents would be emailed and threaten to stop paying their part of his tuition. 

However his plan fell beneath him as soon as his feet hit the concrete outside of the dormitories. Going any lesson felt redundant when he knew he wasn't going to pay any attention and would be more focused by himself hunched over a laptop screen. 

Chan didn't think about where he was walking until he was stood in front of a very familar building, blocks of apartments stacked on top of each other. The front door's lock had been broken since long before Chan ever took his first steps through  it, yet the buzzer to each apartment still sat next to it, the once black buttons faded to a scratched silver after being abused over the years. He pushed open the door and headed up the stairs, each step creaking slightly underneath his weight.

Jisoo was the first person he saw when he reached the top of the stairs, four plastic bags on the verge of ripping in his hands while he stumbled up the the last step. He didn't seem to notice Chan until he called out his name and wrapped his fingers around two bags, the thin plastic digging into his fingers and turning them red.

"Visiting?" Jisoo asked, his footsteps lighter with the relief of a lighter load. Chan nodded and peeked through the bags, they contained basic groceries, nothing overly interesting other than a tub of ice cream that called his name. "Don't you have class?"

Chan shrugged and followed behind the older male, taking hold of the rest of the bags while he fumbled around in his pocket for the key. "Technically, yes. But, clearly, I'm not going." Jisoo clicked his tongue and nodded, not pushing any further while opening the door for the both of them.

Jisoo helped Chan lug in the bags on top of their kitchen counter, unpacking each thing and handing Chan the ice cream and a spoon, he had noticed his stare. 

"I'm assuming you're here to speak with Jeonghan? He's in his room." Jisoo smiled and took out his own spoon, immediately taking a mouthful of the vanilla ice cream into his mouth.

Chan shook his head and placed down his spoon into the counter making Jisoo frown. "Not exactly, I'm not actually sure why I came here at all really. I think I just wanted to talk to anyone." Jisoo nodded and hummed understandingly, closing the tub before it melted and shoving it into the freezer, not-so-discretely cleaning up place where Chan had placed his spoon seconds before.

"As much as I enjoy talking to you, I do have someone coming around." Jisoo politely smiled.

"Seokmin? But I thought he was in lesson." Chan had often noticed Seokmin in majority of his lessons, and definitely in the one that was happening while he spoke.

Jisoo shook his head. "Not Seokmin. I'm meeting my badminton partner, he can't drive yet and needs a lift to the court." Chan nodded and said his goodbyes before heading towards Jeonghan's room that was at the end of the hall - the same room where he had broken up Jisoo and Seokmin kissing a couple months before.

Jeonghan was lied down in his bed, his laptop rested against his chest while a drama in a language Chan didn't recognise chattered on quietly. He considered that the older male could be sleeping, his breathing slow and quiet — but his theory is immediately debunked by Jeonghan's voice echoing through the quiet room. "You didn't tell me you were visiting?" He asked it like a question, as if there was a chance that he had forgotten completely.

Chan nodded and climbed onto the bed to sit beside him while Jeonghan switched off his show, chucking the laptop down towards the end of his bed. He sat up quickly after that, smoothing over the bedsheets to allow Chan to shuffle closer.

"You okay? You're not one to show up unannounced." Jeonghan frowned, it was scary how easily he could see straight through people. One look was all he needed.

Chan chuckled awkwardly and rubbed his neck. "Can't I just be visiting?"

Jeonghan stared at him silently, there wasn't much emotion on his face, just a gaze that could see into his mind like it was glass. However, Jeonghan's entire face bursted out into a grin and he chucked his arms around Chan, pulling him close to his body. "Of course you can!" He exclaimed, leaving a friendly kiss on his forehead. "I'll always have time for my favourite child."

"I'm telling Mingyu you said that."

"Oh, god, please don't."

Chan had moved to be positioned next to Jeonghan, the older male's hand draped across his shoulders holding him in a loose embrace. The drama was back on, volume louder than before - Chan found it hard to follow, the fast pace mixed with his dependence on subtitles that moved on too quickly. From what little Chan understood, it seemed to be some Thai gay love story about a CEO and his assistant. Cliche, but still enjoyable. He couldn't help but envy how the characters looked at each other, admiration and love clear on their faces as if their love was written in the stars themselves. 

Chan closed the lid of the laptop, the metal clicking together while it shut - Jeonghan frowned and nudged his arm. "What was that for? It was finally getting to the good part."

Chan froze and Jeonghan nudged him again lighter, annoyance quickly fading into concern. "Chan, what is it? Do you feel sick?" He let out a shaky breath, his eyes watering slightly.

"I think I'm going to break up with Hansol."

"What?!" Jeonghan shot up.

Chan shushed him, aware of the now two other people in the apartment. He wouldn't have mind if Jisoo had heard, but he didn't want some stranger eavesdropping on his conversation. "I just don't think it's working out."

"What? Why? What did he do?" He asked and his hands flung to Chan's shoulders gripping them tightly. Before Chan got a chance to reply, Jeonghan's voice yelled again. "Jisoo! Get in here!" 

Embarassed, Chan covered Jeonghan's mouth with his hands repeating 'no' over and over again until Jisoo bursted through the bedroom door, a little out of breath. "I was just leaving, what's wrong?"

"Nothing!" Chan shouted unconvincingly.

Jisoo kicked off his shoes and entered the room, stood behind Jeonghan, he lightly rubbed his shoulders. "Hannie? What is it?"

"He's going to break up with Hansol. But he's not telling me what he's done to him." Jeonghan frowned, Chan felt helpless talking to him, or rather listening to him. "Call Seungcheol, he'll tell him off."

"No!" Chan cried, and shoved his hands over Jeonghan's mouth again, holding them there to allow himself time to speak. "Look, I know you think there's no way I could break it off with him without there being a terrible problem but there is none! It's me, not him."

Jeonghan and Jisoo shared a glance, before Jisoo took a seat on the bed silently. Finally, Chan was allowed to speak.

"I don't know what's wrong with me. Hansol is this great, amazing, attractive guy that likes me so fucking much. And I like him a lot too. But I don't like him like that. At least I don't think I do.

He would never do anything to hurt me, and both of you know that. It's just whenever anything remotely romantic happens I just can't get into it, it's not like we've not done stuff so I feel new and uncomfortable about it. I'm used to it, but I don't think I should be used to the feeling of guilt everytime I kiss him." Chan's eyes welled up in tears, his throat constricting with every syllable.

Neither said anything, they just stared - gaze occasionally flicking to each other but staying on Chan for majority of the time, watching as each tear trickled down his cheeks.

"He knows." A voice croaked from the doorway, a head of pink hair stood illuminated by the hallway's lighting. "Or at least he's thought about it."

"Seungkwan." Chan breathed, his tear stained face blotchy but mouth agape at his sudden appearance. "What are you... Badminton." He answered for himself, letting out an awkward chuckle when he noticed the racket in his hand. "Small world, huh?" He sniffled.

"What do you mean he knows?" Jisoo asked, his voice was clear and loud, a dramatic difference from the two younger boys speech.

Seungkwan sighed and slipped off his trainers, stood at the foot of the bed his gaze flickered between Chan and Jisoo, finally landing on Jisoo - clearly finding it easier to look at a not heartbroken face rather than... Chan. "He's worried about you, Chan." His stare moved back over to the youngest male, his voice cracking slightly. "And he has been for a while."

Chan couldn't look at him, his eyes focused on the bedsheets, the mini cherries and how they creased under his bodyweight.

"Chan. You have to tell him." Someone said.

A pair of arms wrapped around his body, Chan had assumed it was Jeonghan but when he shifted to hug this person back and different pair of eyes looked back at him. Framed by his fringe, Seungkwan looked down at Chan, holding him in a tight embrace and collapsing into the bed beside him. "It's going to hurt so fucking much, but you have to do it. He loves you so much and it doesn't take a detective to see that you love him too, just not in the same way." Seungkwan said softly, his forehead was rested against Chan's shoulder, pushing slightly into his neck.

"I know." Chan croaked. A breath. "How long has he known?"

Seungkwan sighed against his shoulder, breath hot against his sleeve. "A while. But you'd always do something that would make him change his mind, but he'd always come back to that thought. The amount of times I almost stormed down to your dorm, or your work. It wasn't like he was complaining, he just wasn't as happy as he wanted to be." 

Just when he had thought he was done with the tears, a new wave tumbled out, cascading down his skins and dripping onto his thighs. Chan had done it all for Hansol, and it turned out that not even he was happy. It was all for nothing. "What do I even say?" He mumbled.

"Oh, baby, that's not up to us." Jeonghan sighed, and wiped a tissue against Chan's cheeks. "None of us can tell you what to say, it needs to be the truth about how you feel, and no one knows you better than you."

He was right, and Chan knew that. But just because he was right didn't mean that he had to be happy with it. "I should do it now, right?" Chan asked quietly.

Jeonghan began a nod while Jisoo shook his head, placing his hand on his knee and squeezing it comfortingly. "You need to refresh yourself first, if you go into it like this you'll never walk away."

When Jisoo had said to refresh himself, Chan had expected a nap, or a shower, or even just watching a show. What he didn't expect was to be sat on Jeonghan's on-suite's toilet seat with a bottle of red hair dye being poured on his scalp.

"Isn't red a bit much?" Chan asked, the colour of his hair matching his blotchy, flushed cheeks. 

Seungkwan and Jisoo shook their heads from the doorway, a smile on either of their faces. "It suits you." Seungkwan smiled.

"Plus, it's the only hair dye I had left that wasn't expired." Jeonghan shrugged, he massaged the colour into Chan's hair gloves seeming unnecessary with the amount of dye travelling up his arms.

Jisoo had cut his hair before Jeonghan dyed it, washing and drying it after each step. Chan felt like he was getting pampered, and in a way, he was. 

After the fiftieth fit of tears, Jeonghan had forced Chan to plan out his day as to not avoid the impending end result. Breaking up with Hansol. First, he was to freshen up his look by borrowing some of Seungcheol's clothing and dying his hair. Then, he was to watch Jeonghan's crap show with him until the evening. Finally, Seungkwan would pick him up from the apartment to drop him off at the dorm where he would finally end it with Hansol. It seemed easy when he thought of it like that, but as the seconds, minutes and hours ticked by each aching moment only hurt more.

***

A sharp knock hit the front door at seven o'clock. Seungkwan was there, fuck, he was going to do this.

Seungkwan's umbrella hung over their heads as they stepped down the concrete. He had noticed the way he had pointed it more over Chan's head than his own, an attempt at not dying Seungcheol's shirt red from bleeding hair dye.

They didn't say anything while walking, the rhythmic pitter-patter of the rain and synchronised taps of their feet against the pavement was enough noise to combat Chan's beating heart. It wasn't long before they were stood outside of his door, a chunk of wood in between himself and the boy who's heart was about to shatter.

Seungkwan said his goodbyes quickly, wishing him luck before he ran off down the hallway, clicking away down the staircase.

Chan pushed his key into the lock, turned it and swung it open, bile building up in his throat when he watched Hansol turn around in his desk chair, a grin on his face.

"You're home late, and you dyed your hair! It looks really nice, bright." Hansol jumped up from his seat to pull Chan into the room, closing the door and trapping him in the room. "Are you okay? You just seem a little... off?" He frowned, and pushed the hair out of Chan's face attempting to wipe away the dye still stuck to his skin in the process.

Chan shifted out of his grasp, collapsing against his bed instead. "Sorry, I should've texted saying I was going to be late." Hansol shrugged and sat beside him wearing a worried frown. "Hansol... We need to talk."

"Oh?"

The bed creaked as Hansol shuffled, the distance between their bodies growing. "I don't know how to say this..." He bit his cheek, the scabbed skin breaking almost immediately and his tongue tasted blood. He swallowed it down with his nervousness, but the taste still lingered and so did the fear.

"Don't say anything then." Hansol said, his voice shook slightly - his focus was on Chan, gaze tracing each sharp line and curve of his face, he could feel his stare and it only made everything worse. "Please." He added.

Chan couldn't look up from his hands fidgeting in his lap, there was no way he could face him. "I'm sorry." He whispered, and snapped his eyes up to Hansol's immediately regretting it when desperation stared back. "It's not working out, Hansol."

He could feel water fill up his eyes making his vision blurry, Hansol's hands rested gently on his shoulders, thumb rubbing circles on his collarbone. "But we're fine, you were fine yesterday. I'm sorry if I scared you off by moving to fast, I can move slower, I can do anything."

Chan ripped himself away from Hansol's grasp, turning his face to the ground to hide the tears that wouldn't stop falling and his heavy breaths. "We haven't been fine in a while, and you know that." His attempt to hide his crying vanished when he spoke, the words falling out in messy sobs. "I think it would be better for us if we split." He pulled himself off of the bed, stumbling to the front door, a hand grasped his arm to stop him, another hand moving to his cheek to force him to look at Hansol's tearful face.

In all of the time that Chan had known Hansol, he had never seen him cry. His pretty eyelashes wet with tears and his flushed cheeks soggy and stained. "You can't just leave like that." He cried, and tightened his grip on Chan's hand. "It's been hard, yeah, but that doesn't mean you can just walk away from it. I'm sorry that I haven't been enough for you, just tell me what to be to change that." Hansol's nails nug into Chan's skin, the pain light but strong enough to make him wince, it didn't seem intentional but he was desperate so anything was possible.

"Hansol, please let go of me." Chan said calmly, his voice in no way matching his face that was screaming with emotion. "You're hurting me." Hansol let go immediately, muttering scrambled apologies. 

Chan sighed. "There's nothing you can do, there's nothing you could have ever done." Against his best judgement, he wrapped his arms around Hansol, pushing his face into the crook of his neck. "It's just not right, we're not right. Like two unmatched puzzle pieces that had been forced together. And you'll see that soon, maybe you already have, and you'll be thankful I ended it here rather than letting us fight for something that was always dead."

"You never liked me?" Hansol asked, pulling away and taking any shred of comfort with him. "You knew you didn't like me but you led me on anyway?"

Chan shook his head, shouting "No!" while scrambling for sentences. "I never knew, something felt wrong but I geniunely thought I could love you. Because I do, just not like that." Hansol pushed Chan away completely, all sadness on his face turning into anger. He had every right to be mad at Chan, but that didn't stop it from hurting.

"What was all of this to you? A game? A drunken mistake?" Hansol pushed him again sharply, Chan stumbled back, catching himself before tumbling into the door. "I told you I liked you and you thought that it was a good opportunity to play with someone? I thought you were my friend."

Fighting the voice in the back of his head telling him to push him back, Chan's thoughts boiled, a mixture of anger and betrayal bubbling through his body. "Do you honestly believe I would do that to you? If you love me even a fraction of the amount you say you do, you wouldn't believe that for a second." He retorted.

"Can you blame me?" Hansol asked, his tongue was sharp and venomous, spitting words where he knew it would hurt. "Can't you imagine what it would be like to fall for someone, date them, and just when you think there's progress they call it off and say that they never liked you?"

No. He couldn't. No matter how hard he tried he could never see himself as someone that could love the way he did, devote himself completely to another person. 

Chan hesitated a moment, staring at the lips he had once kissed. It was killing him, not being able to return what Hansol gave out so willingly. "No. I can't." 

Hansol's body stiffened. "What?"

An uncomfortable silence built up between them, Chan scrambling for any coherent words while Hansol waited. It seemed like that was all Chan could ever make him do, wait. "I'm sorry." Was all he could say.

"Sorry doesn't fix anything." Hansol was on the other side of the room now, at least a meter seperating the two of them. "Sorry doesn't give me back the months I wasted on you." Fuck, he was crying too now.

Chan stepped forward, hands in fists by his side. "Wasted?" Hansol nodded slowly, unsure. "I did everything to make you happy, and you call it wasted time? You have no fucking right to say that." Barely inches between them now, Chan's hand gripped against his forearm, nails digging deep. "All of this was for you."

Hansol ripped his arm away, scratches travelling down his skin and shoved Chan backwards. "Thank you so much for letting me fall for something fake. You really are the best boyfriend a guy could ask for~" He said sarcastically, Chan could understand his anger but he couldn't understand why he was such a dick about it. 

"It wasn't fake, I honestly thought I could love you. And I realised that I did, I love you so fucking much which is why I wanted to tell you this. I don't want to be part of something fake, neither of us deserve that. I am so sorry that I don't love you like that, the way you love me, but please understand that I will do anything to keep our friendship. That is the most important thing to me." Was what Chan wanted to say, but only his breath could be heard when he opened his mouth to speak. 

Had he really blown it? Was it impossible to go back now? Hansol was sobbing angry tears, staring expectedly at his open mouth. "I'm sorry." He repeated again, the words came out in barely a whisper.

"Can you just leave me alone for a bit," Hansol sighed and moved over to his bed, thudding down onto the mattress. "Just for a couple hours at least."

Chan nodded and opened the door, a glance back at a tired and defeated Hansol before he was closing it again behind him. 

He sobbed the second the door clicked, tears and snot smudging on his face while he tried to use his hands to muffle his sniffles. Chan continued to cry until his chest was heaving for air, each breath being more snot than oxygen, his lips that once tasted of Hansol turning to salt.

After accepting that Hansol was never going to open the door to call him back, he trudged down the hallway, finally stood in front of a door that would always be open for him. His knuckles smacked against the wood twice before dropping to his side, impatience creeping up on him with each unanswered second.

Wonwoo was who answered the door, a smile on his face and headset around his neck. His expression immediately dropped when he saw Chan, happiness turning to concern while he called for his boyfriend's name. 

Mingyu's arms came curling around Chan's body, allowing every pent up emotion come crashing out into his strong embrace. He didn't ask what happened, and neither did Wonwoo, their silence as a comfort to his sobs.

Pattering of footsteps walked down the hall, and Chan thought and hoped for just a moment that it would be Hansol coming back, not to apologise but to invite him back with open arms. But it wasn't. A nervous looking Seungkwan stood in front of Chan's dorm, his gaze locked onto the sobbing male. His hand ghosted over the handle, at the end of everything, Seungkwan was Hansol's friend, not Chan's, it would be stupid if he thought even for a second that he would choose to comfort him over Hansol. 

But, he was wrong. Seungkwan ran down the hall and took Mingyu's place in the hug, whispering apologies with each squeeze before finally releasing and slowly heading back to Chan's dorm, a quick glance followed by him entering the room, the door clicking behind him.

Cautiously, Mingyu led Chan into his room towards his bed, or beds, they had pushed their twins beds together a little while after getting together, Chan always thought it was sweet. 

They were patient with Chan, not pushing too hard for information while still showing that they were there to listen. Offering water, to stay in their room, Wonwoo even offered to do his schoolwork for as long as he needed. 

Chan cried a lot that night, whether he was awake or he was asleep, the pillow beneath his head had grown soggy with his tears. But he slept, a great weight off of his chest yet a new one replaced it. And he was afraid that for as long as he slept in Mingyu's bed that weight would only crush him more with time. His last thoughts before falling asleep was of Hansol's face, tear stained and heartbroken, all because of him.

Chapter Text

Someone was always by Chan's side, whether it was Mingyu making impromptu plans to take his photography project to the park and he needed a model; or if Wonwoo was missing a player for his game, which happened most nights. Jeonghan and Seungcheol never had a meal without him, they had had more breakfast, lunch and dinner dates in the past week than in the past year. Even Seungkwan visited often, they never really spoke, just sat in silence as they both did their own things quietly.

While Chan appreciated his effort, he found sitting too long with Seungkwan alone made all the emotions that he had pushed down resurface, tears prickling his eyes whenever he invited him in. He never blamed him for this, but Chan couldn't help the lingering guilt that would put pressure on his heart whenever he saw his face, knowing that that same face had probably seen Hansol just moments before.

Neither of the two ever brought Hansol up in conversation, not wanting to prod too deep into the fresh wounds. Chan knew that it was hard for him too, he had only wanted the best for both Chan and Hansol, it had to be killing him to have a part in the shitstorm that came out of it.

Chan knew a lot of things. He knew that the only reason he wasn't getting threatening emails from his teachers was because Wonwoo and Mingyu was doing his work. He knew that Hansol had tried to talk to him countless amount of times, the words 'blocked caller' burned into his retina. He knew that Junhui had picked up extra shifts to cover Chan's missed ones, and that he was constantly fighting with their boss to keep him hired. He knew all of these things yet didn't feel comforted by them, his guilt that was once only pointed towards two people now overwhelming him with the weight of his friends love.

Shades of brown and orange scattered against the grey pavement, the odd flash of red burning through the colours. Bending against itself, a black fence curled around the small park, the paint was chipped slightly, revealing the shining metal beneath.

It wasn't the first time Mingyu had forced Chan out of his room to accompany him on a photography walk, and this specific park had been the main focus for many visits. But the air was different now, the cool breeze shaking the trees slightly, the occasional leaf falling and crunching underneath their feet.

Mingyu had stopped to take photos of what looked like the same leaf around fifty times before he turned to Chan, a slap-able grin lighting up his cheeks.

And before Chan could even let out an utter of a refusal, he was being posed by Mingyu, his hands shoving and pulling at Chan's limbs until he was in the 'perfect' place for his photoshoot. 

Chan's hands were on the fence, closed around the cold metal and forced behind him. After his head had been moved around so much that he was getting dizzy, he was eventually pushed away from the camera, his gaze instead on some loitering dog walkers that were badly attempting to be subtle. Sunglasses were finally shoved roughly on his head; even though it was the middle of autumn, Mingyu would always carry a pair either on his head or in a bag, sleek and expensive against Chan's bright hair.

A flash of light hits the side of Chan's face making him flinch, earning a disapproving tut from Mingyu, his shuffling body barely visible from Chan's point of view.

"You blinked and flinched, Chan. You're supposed to be good at this, not very professional." He tuts again, raising the camera for another photo – Chan doesn't flinch this time.

"Photographers tend to count down when they're taking photos, to avoid flinches." Chan groaned while stretching out his limbs, almost flinging Mingyu's sunglasses in the process as he stretched his neck.

Mingyu winced and pulled them off of his head, placing them on his own instead. "Never trusting you with these again. And you'd think a model would know that they're having their picture taken. You'd hate literally any runway if you need a countdown for every photo."

Chan chuckled and bumped his arm against Mingyu's, who pushed back a little harder. "It's a good thing I'm a dancer, not a model."

"I wish you'd let me take photos of you dancing one day, it would make such a good portfolio." Mingyu sighed and intertwined his fingers with Chan's, dramatically swinging them as they walked.

"You can." Chan said quietly, he had always refused before without ever really knowing why. He knew he was a good dancer, and didn't really have any major confidence issues, but the idea of someone taking photos of him while in his zone of complete focus made him uneasy. But it was Mingyu, and he was a good photographer and an even better friend. "If it's okay with Soonyoung you can visit some of our practices, and if not, you can take photos when we do random public performances."

Mingyu's face lit up as he shouted continuous 'thank you's and happy squeals, it was an odd sight to say the least.

After the happiness died out and the excitable noises turned to silence an uncomfortable feeling lingered between them, creeping around and tightening around Chan's neck.

Words needed to be said, but Chan wasn't sure which ones, so the silence continued to strangle him until Mingyu finally broke the silence. "Are you planning on talking to him soon?"

Chan bit his lip, the skin cracking against his teeth. Obviously he had thought about that question before, it was quite literally the only question on his mind – yet even after asking himself it repeatedly, there was no answer. 

"No." Chan croaked, the response feeling wrong and fuzzy in his mouth. Mingyu frowns, his hand's grip loosening on Chan's. He hesitates and sighs. "I don't know, I want to, but I don't think I'm ready yet."

Mingyu's grasp returns stronger and so does his smile, lighter on his face but more geniune. "That's okay, you don't have to be just yet. You know my door will always be open for you."

The silence returned except this time it was invited, it gave them both time to think or get lost in the beautiful nature around them; the crunching of leaves beneath their feet, the odd squawk of a nearby bird – it was stunning.

Mingyu had dropped Chan off at Jeonghan's apartment after their plans, even waiting patiently at the door until Jisoo opened it, frilly apron tied around his waist. "Cute." Chan had said, gesturing to the light pink apron, earning a well deserved kick to the shin from Jisoo.

It was quickly apparent by the lingering aroma, that Jisoo was baking – or, at least attempting to do so. While the scent of cookies filled the space, so did the unmistakable smell of burning.

It was odd, Chan thought, that Jisoo would ever be near a failed food project, from what he had heard and eaten, he had always been an amazing chef. It was a skill he had never quite mastered himself, describing his abilities as medicore at best – he had attempted at getting cooking lessons from Mingyu before, but that ship quickly sank after five minutes in the kitchen with him and he had made the mistake of using a knife wrong.

Once a very stressed Jisoo had beckoned him in, Chan was left to fend for himself while he ran off back into the kitchen.

Jeonghan was nowhere to be found and Seungcheol was stood on their cramped balcony, cigarette gently rested between his fingertips while smoke fluttered in the air. Adamant not to destroy his lungs, Chan decided to take his place in the lounge, a boy that he barely recognised perched in the corner of the couch, hunched smiling at his phone.

Lee Seokmin, or at least that's who Chan thought it was, was a boy that Chan had heard about frequently but never actually spoken to. The memories of breaking up his and Jisoo's making out session months before still fresh on his mind whenever he thought of making contact with him. He had a shirt that Chan recognised to be Jisoo's hugging tightly around his body, his muscles showing slightly underneath the tight fabric.

"Hi." Chan said, waving awkwardly before shoving his hand into his pocket. Seokmin looked up from his phone, an instant grin stretching across his cheeks. "I'm Chan, I don't think we've ever offically met."

Chan points his hand towards the seated boy for a reason he knows he's going to think about that night before going to bed, when Seokmin does something he would never expect. Seokmin jumps up and wraps his arms around Chan, swaying slightly. "I've heard so much about you! It's so nice to finally meet you." While not able to see his face, Chan can hear the grin in his voice, the way his voice sings each word in pure glee. "Jisoo adores you, and so does Soonyoung and Seungkwan. It's honestly really surprising we've never spoken before."

Chan nods and pulls himself from the embrace, Seokmin's infectious smile travelling to his own lips, his cheeks high and aching on his face. 

"Sorry," Seokmin said, his grin dropping slightly. "I probably should've asked first." 

Chan was never someone that had any issues with physical contact between friends, whether it was hugging or even holding hands – so being invited into Seokmin's arms immediately wasn't even something he had considered as strange. He shook his head quickly, and rested a hand on the apologising male's shoulder. "It's fine, really. If it was any of an issue, which it isn't, I'd have pushed you off a lot sooner." He chuckled. "Plus, I think if I hated physical contact, I'd be in the wrong friend group." Chan thought back to how he would crawl into Jeonghan's embrace whenever he was upset, or how easily his hands slotted into Mingyu's whenever they walked together.

Comfortable small talk filled the room until Seungcheol returned to the lounge stinking of smoke and tobacco, a bottle of beer had spawned in his hands during his journey from the balcony to the couch which he was holding against his lips taking large swigs with every other breath.

"...Bad day?" Chan asked and shuffled closer to Seokmin, almost landing in his lap in the process. 

Seungcheol's eyes widened like he hadn't even noticed there was other people in the room before clearing his throat. "I guess. Just waiting for it to be over, that's all."

Chan took his answer as a sign to not push any further, his interest piqued but nipped in the bud before being quickly forgotten as Jisoo emerged into the room carrying a plate of slightly burned cookies. 

Seokmin was the first to jump up, his childlike grin back on his face within seconds and only fading to wince at the burning food. The four of them quickly ate through the dozen cookies, mouths red raw from heat but satisfied with Jisoo's incredible baking.

While Chan and Seungcheol both said their thanks in the conventional way, Seokmin had other plans, his smiling face pushing gently against Jisoo's. Watching such a simple yet loving gesture tied a knot in Chan's gut, the sensation tightening with every second that passed. Barely a week ago that was him and Hansol, sure they were never as open about it as some other people were, but he still had the right to kiss him whenever he wanted to. Fuck, he was starting to sound pathetic now.

Dragging himself away from his pity party, Chan refocused himself on the way Seungcheol tensed up beside him at the couple, his teeth clenched in his jaw and body stiff against the couch. Chan opened his mouth to comment on it, asking if everything was okay, when he was swiftly interrupted by the front door creaking open – Jeonghan was home.

Jeonghan's presence set an icy chill across the lounge, and even Seokmin dropped his smile into a frown at the sight of him. "What happened?" Chan asked quietly, not wanting to disrupt the anxious silence incase it consumed him too.

"Nothing." Seungcheol responded sharply, "I'm going for a smoke." And he left without a second glance back.

With a poor attempt to fight any common sense telling him to stay put, Chan shot off after him, his game of cat and mouse thwarted by a hand on his shoulder, holding him back from bursting through the open door.

Jeonghan's hand tighted around his skin, gripping it slightly stronger than what was comfortable. His face was pained, eyebrows and lips downturned making him looked like a kicked bunny. "What happened?" Chan repeated even quieter than before, as if a single question could break him.

***

"Don't act like you didn't see it coming." Jeonghan chuckled through tears, he swallowed down another mouthful of chocolate ice cream, the pot was half empty now.

Chan curled up underneath the covers, his head was slightly too low making his neck hurt but he figured it would be insensitive to ask for another pillow as the older male was already doing him a favour for sharing his bed. "I honestly thought this one was going to stick. We all did."

No details had really been shared around Jeonghan and Seungcheol's sudden breakup, just that there had been a misunderstanding and that Jeonghan was afraid that it would actually be the ending for them. And while if it had been the first or second time Chan had heard him utter those words through tears, he might have worried for the future of his two friends' relationship – once it reached the fifth or sixth time, believing it became a little harder. 

It had been a few hours after he had stormed out that Chan heard Seungcheol slip back into the apartment, his footsteps echoing to the kitchen and then his room without missing a beat. Jeonghan didn't comment on it but Chan knew that he noticed, his body tensing and voice catching in his throat with every creak.

The autumn air's chill was the first thing Chan noticed when he woke up the next morning, his nose numb from the breeze fluttering through the open window. 

Wearing Seungcheol's clothing, Chan quickly emerged from Jeonghan's bedroom, the creeping warmth from a nearby radiator humming against his skin. 

Two bodies were curled up against each other once Chan had finally arrived in the lounge, Seungcheol and Jeonghan. Who were both smiling and blushing at each other over a hushed conversation.

"What the hell?" Chan blurted, his shock overtaking any subtlety.

Both heads whipped over towards the younger male, almost identical expressions of embarassment flashing over their faces. "G'morning." Seungcheol finally said, his composure gained much faster than Jeonghan, whose face was a bright shade of red.

"When did this happen?"

"Last night," Seungcheol answered, his arm tightened around Jeonghan's shoulders, hand entwined with his. "We ran into each other on the way to the bathroom, sorted everything out." He pulled Jeonghan almost completely onto his lap to free room on the couch, Chan took the opposing chair instead, cushion sinking uncomfortably fast under his weight.

"How..." Chan started, his words catching in his throat, he turned his face to Jeonghan who seemed to have calmed down. "What happened to thinking it was over? You're giving me a headache." He groaned and leaned his head back, eyes closing at the harsh light burning into them.

Jeonghan chuckled and glanced towards the bare spot on the couch, a small frown replacing his smile. "I realised I loved him too much to care about some petty argument." His gaze was stuck on Seungcheol, or rather his lips, Chan felt his body cringe at the gesture. 

When he allows himself to look back at the couple, they're both staring at him, not quite sad but definitely not happy. Chan opens his mouth to question the sudden change in mood, when Jeonghan speaks first, his voice low and soft. "It's the same for you and Hansol, you know? While you might not love him romantically, you do love him. And you can't let your fight get in the way of that." He paused, waiting for a reaction that never came. "You've typed his number into your phone so many times that I have it memorised, and he's appeared so much at my doorstep that our neighbours know his name. Talk to him."

***

Chan hated it when Jeonghan was right, it wasn't like he was a dick about it like Seungcheol was sometimes but it happened so often that it felt a little unfair when he was right about another thing. He had promised to talk to him later, and when later came it sent a sickening warmth through him.

His hand hovered by the lock of his dorm, key held tightly in his palm while the sweat beaded along his brow. It had been a little over a week since he had stepped into his room, he had known that Seungkwan had spent most nights in his bed after an infuriating half hour of "are you sure it's okay?"s and "I wouldn't want to be rude"s. 

A little worried that he'd be spotted acting awkward outside of his own dormroom, with a quick flush of confidence, Chan slotted his key into the lock and turned it with the door handle, the room appearing in a flash.

Chan wasn't given much time to adapt to his room again before his focus was snapped to two bodies in the centre of the room. Hansol and Seungkwan.

While it wouldn't usually be a surprise to Chan to find them both in his room, what he did find shocking was seeing their mouths pushed up against each other's. It must have been only a couple of seconds that Chan was stood watching them before bursting back through the door, but it felt like an eternity, a hellish eternity of watching his ex kiss his friend who he had guaranteed was just a friend.

Apparently Chan had made a loud exit as Hansol came running out after him shouting his name and reaching out to hold him.

"Chan! Oh, my god, I'm so happy to see you. I'm so sorry you saw that." Hansol's hands gripped Chan's arms lightly, even the subtle touch was enough to send disgusted tingles throughout him.

Chan ripped himself from Hansol's grasp, tears pooling in the corner of his vision, blurring and distorting the male's face. "Don't fucking touch me." Hansol stood still, his arms limp at his sides. "What happened to you not liking him, huh?"

"I didn't! I don't. I'm so, so, sorry, Chan." He took a step forward, and Chan took an even bigger one backwards. "It was just in the moment, it meant nothing, I was sad and Seungkwan was there, that's it. Oh, my god, Chan, I can't believe you're actually here." His face was overloaded with emotion: relief, sadness, happiness, shock, disbelief. Tears tumbled down his face and filled the corners of his smile. "Please, Chan. Come back, talk. I've missed you so fucking much."

Chan could have yelled, screamed, cried, there was a infinite amount of possible reactions flowing through him. Yet, none revealed themselves.

His hands curled into fists at his sides, Chan took a long, silent look at Hansol, he wasn't sure how long they were stood there, long enough for their breaths to sync in heavy and sniffly sighs. 

Chan turned. And walked away. No footsteps echoed behind him this time.

***

Wind bit at his cheeks as he stormed out of the dormitory, Chan wasn't sure where he was going, all he knew was that it had to be as far away as possible. Rain blurred his vision while he pushed himself down the path. Wet coldness smothered itself over his body, clothing and hair soaked in water and dripping down his back. 

While the rain continued to pour, the harsh winds subsided and without them Chan allowed his stumbling walk to turn into a jog and then a run. Running faster than he had ever ran before, until his legs burned with ache and his lungs felt like they were drowning and on fire. Until he felt every conversation wash off of him and float away.

Despite his running, a pair of footsteps still splashed behind him, accompanied by a few sharp gasps and groans and finally, pink hair.

"I have nothing to say to you, Seungkwan." Chan hissed turning away immediately.

Seungkwan's voice was clear against the rain, despite his umbrella, he was still soaked to the skin in rain. "Then don't speak, listen to me." Chan paused, head pointed to the floor. "What you saw wasn't what you think it was, yes, we kissed but it wasn't like that. He is still insanely in love with you!" 

Chan scoffed and began walking again, Seungkwan's sudden hand on his arm jolting him to a stop. "I'm serious, we were talking about you and then he cried over the fear of never feeling love again and he kissed me, it wasn't because there's any feelings, it's because I was there."

"But you kissed him back."

"What?"

Chan huffed and stepped out from underneath Seungkwan's umbrella, rainwater dripping from his fringe into his eyes. "I saw you, it wasn't just one sided. You love him, don't you?" He croaked, deep down he had known for a while, but to say it out loud was something different entirely.

"I-"

"Don't lie to me."

Seungkwan sighed, relief rather than fear cascading through him. "Yeah, I do. And it kills me to see him so heartbroken, and it hurts more that I had a part in it."

Chan chuckled and wiped his face, smearing the water instead of clearing it. "You can't do anything about it, at least not yet. I know he loves you, shit, the amount of times I'd get jealous of you is unreal." He laughed a little stronger now. "Give it time."

"You're supporting this?" Seungkwan asked, a little dumbfounded. 

Chan responded with a nod and a smile, allowing the umbrella to cover him once again. "I love him, so fucking much. Which means I have to support things I know will be good for him, and that includes you."

Chan wasn't sure how in just a few seconds the weight of the previous month had been lifted off of him, but, shit, was he thankful.