Chapter Text
“You wanna go in here?” Zayn asked as he pointed to a shoe store in front of them.
“Sure,” Louis said. He didn’t quite need any new shoes, but he didn’t want to say no either. They always went looking for sneakers when they were out shopping, it had been their thing since they met. It was also one of those things he would treat himself to every once in a while, since he didn’t have the opportunity when he grew up.
Loud music could be heard from the speakers as they stepped inside the store. It was a bit more crowded than Louis liked, but what else could he expect in London on a Saturday.
“Lou, look at these!” Zayn said, his eyes sparkling as he pointed to a pair of shoes on the wall, and Louis couldn’t do anything but smile. They were black and red, and just the perfect shoe for Zayn.
By now Louis thought he would be able to pick out shoes for Zayn in his sleep, that’s how well he knew his best friend after about 12 years and a lot of shopping sprees looking for shoes.
A new song started playing as they walked deeper into the store, Louis nodded his head to the rhythm. It was a bit hard to follow the lyrics for the first 30 seconds, but then he heard:
Emily she got grown up kids at the age of 35
and Gabriel he got dope sick and his dreams are still a child’s.
Suddenly he started remembering Emily and Gabriel from his school, and a third person – Harry. He felt a sting in his chest thinking about him. Harry, the green eyed boy he’d had a mad crush on during his last year of school. The boy who still had a piece of Louis’ heart, a piece Louis never got back…
“Louis!” he heard a teenage girl shriek and woke him up from his thoughts. Damn it. Not now.
He took a deep breath, put on a smile and turned around.
“Hi, excuse me… Can I get a picture?” the girl asked, standing next to two other girls.
“Yes, of course,” Louis said, smiling back at them. “But hurry up so no one else sees me, huh?” He winked at them, making them giggle. A few seconds later they were standing next to him, Zayn snapping a few pictures of the four, before giving back the phone. The girls thanked him several times then hurried away. “Have a nice day,” Louis said, just loud enough so they could hear, and he could see them giggle.
“Oh, Mr. Big football star is still popular with the girls,” Zayn teased him in a low voice, making Louis laugh out loud.
It was all of course for shits and giggles. Louis didn’t care how many girls were interested in him, but they had certainly boosted his confidence through the years.
Louis had early on decided to keep his sexuality to himself, and had been playing in clubs that cared about their players' personal life being as private as they wanted. He had always been open to his teammates about it though.
No club or management had ever forced him to publicly date women, however, early on in his career girls had been “seen with him” and that of course made headlines. Now everyone thought he had settled down, like most of his older teammates. That could however not be further from the truth. He was as single as a person could be, and he didn’t really mind.
At the moment he had a football season to finish, his last season ever. He also had a World Cup to prepare for. Starting something now would only take the focus away from what mattered most at the moment, finishing his career on top.
“Well, not many months left until I’m Mr. Former big football star.”
“Oh, shut it! You’ll always be known as one of this country's greatest.”
Louis didn’t want to brag, but Zayn was probably right. He’d had a great career and had set some records that would be hard to beat.
“Let’s just focus on the shoes, eh?” Louis chuckled, nudging him with his elbow in the side.
He followed Zayn around the store, trying to keep his focus on the shoes, but soon Emily, Gabriel and Harry were back inside his head.
It had been a while since he thought about Harry now. He had always wondered what happened to him, but had tried his best not to dwell on it. The sting in his chest was something he could live without.
However, now Harry was there in his mind and he couldn’t help thinking back to the first day he had seen him. He was one year younger than Louis and had moved to his school during Louis’ last year.
Louis still remembered those green, bright eyes, the brown curls that reached his chin and the dimpled smile that made him the most beautiful of people. Louis had swooned. It had never happened before that, nor after. Louis’ heart had started to beat fast inside his chest as he stood frozen, staring at the new guy and Harry had noticed. He had caught his eyes and smiled an even bigger smile. Back then Louis couldn’t get enough of that smile.
“Earth to Louis,” Zayn said, waving his hand in front of him.
“Oh, sorry. What did you say?”
“I asked if you’ve seen anything you like, but you don’t seem to be present on this planet.”
“Yeah, a bit up in my head.”
“I’m gonna try these on and then we can go back home, okay?”
Louis tried to stay focused while Zayn tried on the shoes, to be able to give his opinion. Zayn ended up buying three pairs, while Louis did his best to push Harry, Emily and Gabriel to the back of his head.
“I was gonna ask if we should grab lunch, but I guess your head is on the game in two days, so let’s get you home instead.”
Not that Zayn was right, this time, but he knew Louis better than most people, and when Louis was distracted it was better to get him home.
At home he sat down on the sofa, thinking how peculiar it was that the song had included those two names — Emily and Gabriel. It was the name of the two people Harry had hung out with the most. It wasn’t weird that Louis’ mind had made the connection to Harry straight away.
They had been inseparable, no matter who else they hung out with, they were always there together. And they had known a lot of people, Harry had known so many people, Louis never understood how it was possible. Louis could run into the three of them with different groups, every single day of the week.
But as soon as Louis was out with his friends — even if he didn’t drink he still liked to hang out with people — Harry always showed up where they were. That’s how they got to know each other. Harry had taken the initiative the first time, or most of the time actually.
The first time Harry was a bit drunk though, Louis had still found him adorable and really nice to talk to. He had been interested in Louis and his football, asked a lot of questions and Louis had answered them all.
Harry had shown up to Louis’ game the next day. After the game he had entered the pitch and caught Louis before he headed into the locker room. He had handed him a chocolate bar, ‘ for the winner ’ he had said and given Louis one of those blinding, dimpled smiles.
Harry had shown up to a lot of Louis’ games from there on, cheering him on, whistling when Louis scored.
The next time Harry showed up when Louis was out with friends he wasn’t as drunk, just a bit tipsy, and he had spent the entire night hanging out with Louis. Even walking him home later that night, to make sure he got home safely. Emily and Gabriel had walked behind them, but never once tried to be a part of the conversation.
Louis remembered one evening, it was late autumn, and they were all hanging out by the lake. Harry had shown up, perhaps a bit high, running over to Louis, and given him the biggest hug. Louis’ team had won an extra important game that day and Harry congratulated him.
That evening Harry had his arm around him all night long — either around his shoulder, around his waist, or standing behind him hugging him tightly, while they talked to other people. Louis still remembered the swooping feeling inside him and how weak his knees had felt. He had melted into Harry’s arms, wanting to stay there forever.
Harry had of course walked him home that night, and had given him a kiss on the cheek before he left. Louis had wanted more, but he was a bit nervous to ask for it.
Louis sighed to himself where he was tucked under a blanket on the sofa, staring in front of him, while a show was on in the background. He had thought he would’ve been able to focus on something else, but that wasn’t the case.
How could a line from a song bring back so many memories? How could the mention of two names bring back all the feelings he had experienced back then?
He went out to the kitchen with the dishes and headed to bed. He needed a good night’s sleep and to get his head sorted. Game day was the day after next, and it was of importance that he could keep his head on the game.
The day after the game he made the drive up to his hometown. Once a month, he and his entire family had dinner at his mum’s place. This dinner was something he had treasured all his adult life. It also made it possible to be a bigger part in his siblings life, especially the youngest ones who were still only 12.
Louis’ family had always adapted the time for dinner to match his schedule. Even if this was the end of the season and Louis was a bit up in his head about it, he had still insisted on them having it this weekend.
Next weekend he would have an away game and the weekend after that he would play his last club game. The family would of course be there, but there would be no time to hang out. The team would, hopefully, go out celebrating after, if they managed to win their last two games and the league.
“Hi, dear,” his mum greeted him at the door when he arrived. “I’m sorry it didn’t go well yesterday.”
“At least we got one point with us. We still have a chance at the title.”
“That’s the spirit,” she teased and made him chuckle. “Everyone is already here, in the kitchen.”
He followed her inside and saw his siblings smiling back at him. His youngest ones came running over to him, to give him a hug. He really wished he could see them more often but his tight schedule made it rather impossible, with the Premier League, Champions League, the FA cup and the National team every now and then, there wasn’t much time to do anything else during the season, especially since they all lived in a different city than him.
The radio was on in the background, some of his siblings sang along, making Louis notice the lyric…
But did you ever wonder?
How I knew all the boys downtown
and could hotwire cars without cables’.
He recognised it from the store, it was the same song, and it made something twist in his chest, so he let go of the twins and turned off the radio, getting a cascade of protests thrown against him.
“Can’t have everyone focused on the song, when big brother is here and wants to hear all about what you’ve been up to since I last saw you, huh?” It at least helped them switch focus and they started telling him all about their lives. Once again he had a hard time focusing though…
It brought him back to the same place, to that same person. To Harry. It made Louis think about the groups of people Harry had hung out with and Louis had in fact always wondered why Harry knew all the older boys in town. It wasn’t really that common for people over 18 to hang out with someone who was only 16 like Harry, but Harry seemed to hang out with them a lot.
Another memory started playing in Louis’ head. Louis’ best friend at the time, John, had been too drunk one night and lost his car keys. Harry had without hesitating, hotwired the car to make it possible to get home. Louis, who was the only one sober, had driven them back to John’s place, with Harry next to him in the passenger seat, while John was sleeping in between Gabriel and Emily in the back.
Louis had made sure his friend got into bed, his family wasn’t home, so they didn’t have to sneak. Harry had walked Louis home that night as well, and Louis had worked up the courage to ask Harry over to study, during the week, someday after school. Harry had accepted immediately and a few days later, they were sitting in Louis’ kitchen with toast and tea, studying. Or, Louis studied, Harry didn’t quite focus on the books in front of him, but he kept quiet so Louis could.
As soon as Louis took a break, Harry started talking to him. It all felt so easy and fun. Louis had never been in love before, but he knew he was. He wasn’t sure if Harry felt the same, but at least he wanted to hang out with Louis and for now that was enough for him.
So from then on, once a week or so, Harry came back to Louis’ place to study. That was all they were doing. It was always at Louis’ place, never Harry’s. Harry always insisted that they should be at Louis’ house, saying that he liked the feeling it gave him. Hearing those words had made Louis warm inside – he loved his home, his family, and it made him happy that Harry liked it too.
Sometimes John was there too, Harry and Louis’ best friend got along well. They had a few things more in common than Louis and Harry. John was a bit more of a wild kid, had started drinking and smoking quite early on and stayed out late. Some people wondered why Louis was so close with him, but they had been best friends since they were 6 or something. John never pushed Louis to drink or smoke, he knew how important school and football was to Louis and that Louis had the talent to have a long career in football if he wanted to. However, when Louis started to think about it now, John had been a little more pushy during their last year of school, calling Louis boring a few times. It didn’t affect Louis though, he had a goal.
When Louis started year 12, he was already signed with the first team in the local club and got to play a few minutes every now and then. His mum had been very clear from the beginning when he signed that he had to finish school and the team management agreed with that. That’s also why he studied so hard, he had made the deal with his mum, it was important to her that he had an academic future, just in case he didn’t make it as a player.
However, he had been successful, and now at the age of 35 he had played against the biggest teams in the world. He never once disagreed with his mum though, she had made it possible for him to have any future he wanted and he was forever grateful.
“Don’t you think that’s a great idea?” Phoebe asked, nudging Louis’ arm.
“Huh?” Louis had no idea what they had been talking about, he had been in his own world for far too long.
“And we couldn’t listen to music!” Daisy said, her voice stern, arms crossed.
“I’m so sorry, Pheebs. Please, tell me about this great idea again.”
“A family vacation, in the autumn, all of us!”
A smile spread on Louis’ face, and a warm feeling took over his. He loved family vacations, where they got to spend time together, all of them, uninterrupted.
“Yes, love. That sounds incredible. Just make sure that the kids can be away from school.”
“Maybe it’s better over Christmas and New Year’s,” his mum said.
“Oh, that would be lovely! Some place warm and sunny, when it’s dark and grey here,” Lottie said excitedly, Louis saw her already drifting away in her mind.
“Yes, let’s go with that. You guys can choose, I’ll agree to anywhere!”
That seemed to please them all, and if Louis knew his sisters by now, they would choose someplace luxurious, with a good aesthetic, perfect for pictures to show off to their friends and other followers. Louis would be happy with a one star bungalow far away from other tourists, but that’s not what the rest of his family would want, so as long as he got to spend time with them, he was happy.
A few days later, he met up with Niall, his teammate, at their training centre. They had a rest day, which practically just meant that they didn’t have a training session together with the rest of the team, but all of them would still workout, either way. Louis and Niall usually did it together.
Niall had transferred to the team a few years earlier, and they had become close friends straight away. He loved Niall’s sense of humour and how happy he was about life. Niall was always the one who could calm Louis down or just be there if that’s what Louis needed.
“How’s it going, mate?” Louis asked, when they met in the locker room.
“Nah, my knee’s acting up again,” Niall said, a sour expression on his face.
Niall had suffered from a bad knee injury two years earlier, and had worked hard to get back on the team and not end his career earlier than he had planned to.
“Did anything happen during the game?” Louis asked worriedly.
“Not what I know. Might’ve just landed weirdly without thinking about it. I talked to the physician, so I’ll be doing rehab today.”
“Oh, I’ll join in on that! I like those leg exercises, I think my old knees need a bit of that.”
“Yes! We need you to manage two more games and the World Cup!” Niall teased.
They were in the middle of an exercise when Louis heard that damn song starting to play again. Why the fuck was that song playing everywhere? He tried his best to talk over the music, not listening to it. He had forgotten his earphones in the locker and was in the middle of an exercise, so he couldn’t escape it.
When he fell silent for a second he heard the words ‘how I could weigh just a hundred pounds and still drink you under the table ’.
And the sting was back in his chest.
Fuck!
In his head he saw Harry’s rather thin frame in front of him, he had been both shorter and smaller than Louis back then. Louis had much more muscles than he had, but that hadn’t mattered, because Harry had a lot more experience with alcohol than Louis had.
Louis remembered the New Year’s Eve they had spent together. He had been drinking before, but only in smaller amounts. However, during this evening he had for some reason decided to drink more, maybe to impress Harry. Louis knew now that it was a stupid way to try to impress someone, but he had been young and in love.
It had ended with Louis puking his way through the fireworks, with Harry beside him in the bathroom, patting his back and giving him water. Louis had apologised probably a thousand times, but Harry had only given him another of those blinding smiles and told him that it was nothing to worry about.
A weird feeling settled in Louis’ stomach. Why had Harry been drinking so much back then?
“Why the fuck do they need to play this fucking song everywhere,” Louis snarled, making some people turn their heads towards him for a moment.
“Because it’s a big hit,” Niall said, matter-of-factly. “It’s this big songwriter that has started to make his own music. He’s actually–”
“Niall! I don’t want to know. I just need the song to not be played!”
“Jeez, okay! Who shat in your potato salad?!”
“That’s not even an expression!” Louis was frustrated.He knew he took it all out on the wrong person. “Fuck,” he sighed. “Sorry. Just… That song…”
“Yeah, I got it.”
Niall didn’t look impressed, Louis understood him. Louis seriously needed to get a grip. It was one thing to be brought back in time by a song, but to take it out on his friends was not okay. That’s not who he was as a person.
“You gonna tell me what’s up with you and that song?” Niall asked, when they were back in the locker room.
“It…” Louis sighed. What was he supposed to say? He hadn’t told anyone about it, he had buried it deep inside him and kept it there until now. “It just brings me back in time. Making me revisit memories I have put away in the back of my head… I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Okay,” Niall said. “I’m here if you change your mind, okay?”
“Thanks, Ni!”
Louis knew. Niall was always there for him. Besides Zayn, Niall was his closest friend. He was the one Louis could always talk to, and always did. A lot! But this time, he didn’t. He didn’t want to. He didn’t even want to think about it, even if he often did. All because of one stupid song!
He managed to avoid the song the rest of the week, only listening to his own playlists when he wanted music, even in his car. He had needed to prepare mentally for the game, he couldn’t have Harry running around in his mind, distracting him from finishing his career on top.
It hadn’t fully worked. Harry was there, very much present, no longer in the back of his mind, but at least giving Louis space to focus on his daily life and his routines.
Louis spent the bus ride to the away game with headphones on, making sure to not hear the song, only listening to the things he wanted to, to get his head mentally prepared for the game.
They were now out on the field, doing their warm up, in front of the audience, music blasting from the speakers. Louis still tried his best to stay in his own head, he had always been able to keep a focus on match days, even on the worst of days, not letting anything affect him. Not letting anything get between him and his goal. That had been kind of his super power – to always be able to keep his head in the game and leave all of his personal stuff on the sideline.
That’s when he heard THE SONG starting to play, and he looked around. He saw a ball coming his way and managed to stop it, just by muscle memory. He couldn’t move, Harry showing in his head, Harry being present with him on the field. Louis remembered having him on the stands during his games, hearing his whistles when Louis scored.
Have you forgiven yourself and your best friend for taking your guy.
BAM! There it was, the picture he had left in the back of his head, neatly tucked away to never revisit again. The picture of his big crush, making out with his best friend, in front of him. Louis still remembered the heartbreak, the way his heart had shattered that day and never fully healed.
He made eye contact with Niall across the field, feeling his stomach turning. He needed a toilet. He needed to get off the field. He didn’t know how, but he managed to get himself to the locker room, falling down on his knees, emptying his stomach in the toilet in front of him.
He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t play!
The tears were falling down his cheeks, while he leaned over the toilet.
This was the memory he had tried his best to not relive. The memory he had buried in the deepest corner of his head, but that had always affected him, affected his future relationships. Harry took a part of Louis’ heart with him that day and Louis never got that piece back. He had never been able to mend his heart completely.
He had run home that night, Harry hadn’t followed him. It was the first time in probably six months that Harry hadn’t walked him home, and he never would again. Louis had run upstairs, crying his heart out into his pillow.
He cried in bed the rest of the weekend, never leaving his room, even if his mother had tried her best to get him to at least come downstairs to eat. He had refused and she had brought food to his room instead, telling his siblings they needed to leave him alone.
When Monday arrived, he went to school, keeping to himself. He didn’t see Harry or John. After school he went straight to practice. That’s how he spent the rest of that semester, just focusing on school and his football. He had a goal, he would finish school, end his season on top and then move away to another city.
“Mate, how are you?” Niall asked, sitting down next to him. His team was back in the locker room.
“Horan! Tomlinson!” their coach called, then he showed up in the door. “Are you sick?” he asked when he saw Louis on the floor.
“Not contagious,” Louis mumbled.
“Horan, out to the team.” Niall left, following their coach’s order. “What’s going on? I’ve never seen nerves affect you before.”
“It’s not that. I’m sorry.” Louis sighed defeated, for the first time in his career he had let his personal life affect him on a match day. “I can’t start. I… Fuck!”
He had no strength left in him. His body felt heavy, like lead was running through his veins. He could barely move, his muscles didn’t listen to him and his head was spinning from the memories flooding through his head.
“It’s okay. We’ll make the change. I’ll send in the doctor, okay?” his coach said. A hint of worry lacing his voice. Louis got it. Usually Louis did everything in his power to get out on the pitch, to start every single game. He had earned that spot and it was his, but today, that wasn’t possible.
“Yeah, sure. I’m sorry,” Louis mumbled, leaning his arm on the toilet seat, not sure he would be able to get up.
The doctor did a check up while the rest of the team headed out into the stadium again. Louis had always felt like he could tell his team doctor everything, so he explained it the best he could this time as well, to make sure they understood that he wasn’t contagious. He just needed some time, maybe he could play later on.
They gave him something to eat and drink and Louis took it willingly. He trusted the team completely, they knew what they were doing. They knew what his body needed. However, it wasn’t his body that was the problem, it was his head. It was the memories and the hurt they brought back.
Before he headed out to the bench he put on his clothes, to stay warm. Sure it was in the middle of May, it was fairly warm for the season, but he refused to get cold while sitting on the sideline watching the game that he was supposed to play.
On the bus, on the way back, he and the coach had a conversation and Louis had felt the need to be honest. He had needed to confess that a song got him out of balance. What he wasn’t prepared for was his coach understanding words when he said that they would ban that song from the stadium for Louis’ last game. They would make sure the song wasn’t played in the training facilities during the week, as well. Louis had never thought he would get that response but their coach said that he wanted Louis to end his career on top, with his head fully focused on the game. They couldn’t have a stupid song distract him during this part of the season.
At least they had won the game today and they still had a chance at the title. Louis had played the last ten minutes and it had worked out fine.
His coach had given him one last piece of advice before they said goodbye when they were back in London – ‘listen to that song on repeat until it doesn’t affect you any longer’.
Louis tried to listen to the song while taking a shower the next day. He had always been able to step into a shower after a game and let his feelings about the game wash away with the water. Maybe it would work with this as well.
I hope that you know now. Why, why I had to run.
That was the second memory he had kept hidden away, because it hurt as much as witnessing the kiss. Harry had left, without ever explaining why he had done what he did and he had taken John with him. Harry had taken Louis’ best friend with him, the one he had kissed in front of Louis! Emily and Gabriel were the ones who told him about it. They had tried to give him a hug, but he had pushed them away, left school and headed to the football field.
He took all the frustration and all his emotions out on the ball and his body, pushing himself to the max, getting it all out of him. He pushed himself harder than he had ever pushed himself and he got to suffer the next day. However, sore muscles were something he could handle much better than hurt feelings.
He never heard from Harry or John. He didn’t know what happened to them. The people closest to Louis knew not to mention any of them. They were in the past, a chapter in the book of Louis’ life, a chapter he often skipped when he thought about his teenage years.
Through the years he had learnt to focus on the games he had played that year or the grades he got. He had learnt to view his memories of his time with John as children from a spectator's perspective. If he ever revisited them it was more like watching a movie. That way he could distance himself from the feelings, he could see it in his head, but he didn’t let it get to him. It had worked fine, until he heard that stupid fucking song.
Now, he was sitting on the floor in the shower, crying his heart out, like his heart had been broken all over again. It was as fresh as if it would’ve happened yesterday. He didn’t know how he would ever get over it, he didn’t know how to sort himself out in less than a week, so he could play his last game and end his contract.
The line echoing in his head ‘I hope you know now. Why, why I had to run’.
No, Louis didn’t know! Louis didn’t understand. Louis had never understood why Harry had led him on, to later shatter his heart and then leave town without even an explanation. It was like Louis hadn’t meant anything to him at all.
And why did this song affect him so much? How could this song be so spot on? How could it feel like it was written for him? It was just a random fucking song. It wasn’t for him. Why did he feel like it was? Why did it feel like it was written about his life? He didn’t get it. A song had never affected him this way before.
After a really good practice on Tuesday, Louis got into his car. Out of habit he turned on the radio. As he drove out of the training facilities, he was in a really good mood and sang along to the music.
He had been able to push things to the back of his head enough to be able to focus on his practices the last two days. Maybe he had just needed to get the tears out of his system, he reasoned. Maybe he had been carrying the hurt around for so long that he had needed to get it all out once and for all.
Now that he had, he was finally able to focus on his beloved football again and prepare for his last game with the club.
He was about halfway home when the radio host started introducing the next segment.
“With us today we have a man who many of you didn’t even know existed a few months back, but who has written some of the biggest hits for some of the biggest stars. We are happy to welcome you here, Harry Styles.”
The blood froze inside Louis’ body. It couldn’t be. Harry was a fairly common name, right? And so was Styles… It couldn’t be!
He felt the panic spread in his body when he heard the drawl that had been so specific for the way Harry spoke when they were younger. His voice was deeper now, but it was him, Louis could tell.
With tears streaming down his cheeks just by hearing Harry saying his hello and thank you, Louis pulled into the nearest parking lot. He was in no condition to drive, he could barely see the road from all the tears.
“First of all, a huge congratulations. This song blew up overnight and is now topping the lists, not only here, but all over the world,” the host said.
“Yes, I still can’t believe it,” Harry replied happily.
“But this isn’t the first hit you’ve written. Was it really a surprise?”
“It’s one thing when a huge star takes your song and makes it a hit, it’s another thing when you sing it yourself. I did not expect it to blow up like this,” Harry chuckled. It was the same chuckle as back then. The chuckle that always made Louis’ stomach swoop. He had loved to get Harry to laugh – hearing the sound, seeing the deep dimples and his sparkling eyes.
Now he wanted to rip his own heart out of his body, he couldn’t handle the pain. He should have turned off the radio to get away from the hurt, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t move.
“So… Adrian, the name of the song, the man you sing about. Everyone wants to know who he is? Does he exist?” the host asked and Louis tensed up.
“Kinda,” Harry said, a bit more nervous now, Louis noticed. “ His name isn’t Adrian… He will know who he is. ”
At that moment Louis’ silent crying turned into a heavy sobbing. That song was about him! Harry had written the song about him. Why had he done that after so long?
“I left town back then, didn’t explain my actions or why I left. He deserved to know. This is me explaining my side of the story to him. This is me apologising. I don’t know if he even remembers me, but I haven’t been able to ever stop thinking about him. I was deeply in love with him, even if my actions said otherwise.”
“Do you hope for a happily ever after?” the host asked, cheekily.
“What I wish for is to give him closure if he needs it. And I think for me as well. I’ve been ashamed by my actions, even if I know the whole story. I just hope he has been able to forgive me…”
“We’re gonna listen to the song, and we’ll talk more after.”
The song started playing. Louis wrapped his arms around himself, still sobbing like a little child. Harry had written him a song, over 15 years later, just to apologise. He had kept thinking about Louis. This was all for Louis.
I ran from you and from that dead end town and you didn’t even get a song…
This was that song.
Harry had been in love with him too. That only made Louis even more confused. Why had he treated Louis the way he did if he was in love with him? It didn’t make sense.
“Welcome back. We’re here with Harry Styles. The questions have been streaming in on social media. Why did you leave? Why did you hook up with his best friend?”
“I was young, dumb and to be honest… I wanted to protect him. Mostly from myself. I… I thought I would ruin his future if he ever ended up with me. I wanted him to have everything he ever wished for and I couldn’t let myself stand in the way.”
“That’s kind of sweet,” the host said, clearly moved by Harry’s actions. “Can we expect more music from you?”
“Thank you. Yes, I’ve been working on an album. Through the years I’ve collected songs that felt too personal to ever let anyone else sing, so the album will be made up of those songs.”
The interview ended not long after. Louis was still sitting in his car, the sobbing had turned to tears just streaming down his face, not a sound leaving him. How would he ever feel good again?
Then he started to think about Emily and Gabriel and his heart broke even more. If the song was about him, the song was also about the Emily and Gabriel they had known back then. What had happened to them?
With a trembling hand he dug out his phone from his pocket, found Zayn’s number and called.
“Hi, babes! How was practice?” Zayn chirped. Louis started sobbing again, by the warmth and familiarity of Zayn’s voice. “What happened? Where are you? Do you want me to come get you?”
“Yes,” Louis pushed out. His throat thick from all the crying.
“Send me your location. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
Louis managed to send the location, Zayn stayed on the line keeping Louis company while he made the drive to where he was. When he arrived he parked next to Louis, opened the door to Louis’ car and pulled him out into the best hug Louis had ever received.
“What happened, babes? Who hurt you?”
“H–Harry,” Louis sobbed.
“Harry, who?” Zayn asked, confused. They had never spoken about him directly. Louis had only told Zayn a long time ago that he got his heart broken by a guy before he finished school. They never talked about it again, there was no need for it. Or, it had probably been good to process it, but Louis had refused to.
“Styles.”
“The singer?! How has he managed to do that? I don’t get it.”
“Th–the song,” Louis sniffled. “It’s about me!”
“Oh, sweetie!” Zayn wrapped his arms tighter around Louis’ body, holding him up, while he let him cry. “Oh, babes. I’m so sorry. Is he the boy who broke your heart back in school?”
“Yes,” Louis cried out.
“Okay, okay. Let’s get you into the passenger seat of your car and I’ll drive you home. I’ll pick mine up later, it’s just a shit car anyway.” Louis knew he was trying to get Louis to laugh and he let out a snort.
Zayn stayed with Louis that day, cuddled up close on the sofa, letting Louis cry as much as he needed. He made sure Louis ate and drank, which was not the easiest. Louis didn’t want it, it felt like it was on the way up every time he had swallowed.
In the evening he had finally calmed down. He had cried three out of four days and didn’t know how he could have any tears left. His head was hurting from all the crying and he felt drained. This was not the best way to prepare for the season finale.
“Tell me about it,” Zayn said, when he had prepared another round of food at 10pm. “What triggered this?”
“I’ve been hearing his song, getting flashbacks to when we knew each other. It felt like the song was written about me, but I didn’t know it was him. Today I heard an interview with him on the radio. It’s about me. It’s his apology to me, his explanation for his actions. He said he wanted to protect me from him, so I could have the life I dreamt of.”
“Did he… with your best friend?” Zayn asked, carefully. It felt like a knife in Louis’ chest all over again. He swallowed down the tears and took a deep breath.
“They made out in front of me… Both left town after… I never saw them again.” The tears were on the verge of welling over again.
“Fuck! That’s…”
“He was in love with me. All this time I thought I had misread it all,” Louis sniffled. “But he was in love with me too. If I had known we could’ve talked about it, but I didn’t know. I was just happy to have him in my life, spend time with him, but I felt there was something more, until he made out with…” Louis closed his eyes, letting the tears fall again.
“That’s not how you treat the one you’re in love with,” Zayn said, softly.
“I know. He knows. I still don’t understand that part, but now I at least know he felt the same. He shattered my heart, I’ve never been able to fully mend it, but now I feel like I can. He was in love with me too. I needed to know that.”
“Okay, that’s good. If that’s what you needed to move on, then that’s good.”
“Yeah.”
Louis was finally able to eat. He still didn’t understand Harry’s actions, but he could feel his heart finally starting to mend. Finally he had got a piece of his heart back. There were still so many things he didn’t understand, but he had needed to hear that Harry had been in love with Louis too. He hadn’t misread it, they had both been in love.
The next day he decided to take his coach's advice. After practice he drove home, put the song on repeat and listened to it over and over again, until it couldn’t get to him. That was the goal.
He sat down with the lyrics, taking it all in, listening to what Harry wanted to tell him. He heard him tell Louis about how Harry’s mum was the one who had taught him to smoke, how he had shoplifted, how he’d had backpacks in his friends houses and how they had played music on the streets just to get money.
Louis had never known about his life. Harry had always wanted to hear everything about Louis, but shared very little about himself.
We never stood a chance.
The only thing that I can guarantee you is a fist fight at our wedding
and my brother getting hammered…
Was that how Harry had seen his life back then? Did he still see his life that way? Had he really thought he would’ve ruined Louis’ life, just by being in it? That was horrible!
They were older now, sure there wouldn’t be a fist fight at Harry’s wedding. Maybe Harry was married already. Maybe he had his own family, had made a good life for himself. Louis didn’t know anything about him, he had never wanted to know, but now he did. However, he was a bit too scared to search for it. He didn’t know what he would find. What if Harry and John were still a couple, had started a family, lived happily ever after. Louis didn’t want to know that.
Yeah, it was better to stay away from Google, to not do any search on Harry. This song and the interview was all Louis needed. He found it on Youtube, knowing the radio channel posted some of their interviews there.
Louis felt his tears welling up again, just by the thumbnail. There Harry was, 17 years older, but still the same dimples and green, sparkling eyes. That was Harry, the one person Louis had never fully got over.
He took his time, looking at the picture, trying to calm down, taking deep breaths before he clicked play. He listened to every single word again, heard that chuckle, while crying, remembering the Harry he had once known. He was so much older now, but so was Louis.
Louis was interrupted by his phone ringing.
“Hi, Zayn,” he sniffled.
“I was gonna ask if you felt better today, but clearly not.”
“Oh, I am feeling a lot better. I was just watching the interview on Youtube, seeing him again just started the water works, but I promise, I’m much better.”
“Okay… If you say so. I just don’t want you to get too caught up in this, before the game and all.” Zayn had always been there for Louis, since the day they met. Always protected him and cared for him when he needed it. He could hear in Zayn’s voice that he was worried.
“I need to get this out of my system before the game. It’s been built up inside of me for too long… He watched my games that season, you know. He was there cheering me on every home game, whistling when I scored. And he even gave me a piece of chocolate after the first game he watched, it was ‘for the winner’ he said and then continued to give them to me ever so often.”
“That’s really sweet. I wish I could like him more at the moment, but I know how this heartbreak has affected you.” Zayn never pretended to like someone or something. Louis admired him for that, he always spoke his mind. It was never in a hurtful way, never to drag someone down. He just spoke the truth, when he felt like he needed to.
“Yeah, I know. I get it. I would probably hate him if he had hurt you that way. I would find his address and kick his stupid ass,” Louis chuckled, wetly.
“No, you would find him at some kind of award show, tell him exactly what you thought about him, in your own sassy way, and he wouldn’t even know what hit him,” Zayn replied and Louis laughed. Yeah, that sounded more like him.
“And that’s what you’re gonna do if you see him?” Louis asked.
“Oh, I’m not sure what I would do if I saw him.”
They talked for a while longer, Louis had to reassure him a dozen times that he was okay and didn’t need him to come over and cuddle him. He needed his time alone, he needed to do this for himself. He knew Zayn would come over if Louis asked him to, that was all the support he needed for now.
On game day Louis was ready to play, both mentally and physically. This was it. This was his last game with the club, the last game of the season. But it wasn’t all in their own hands. Louis’ team needed to win, but their competitor for the first place needed to lose their game. If they won theirs the title would belong to them. However, on paper, Louis’ team would meet a team that was easier to beat, that was on the bottom of the league.
The team had talked about it that week, the players would only focus on the game, to play the best they could and they definitely did. Just before halftime Louis scored their second goal for the game and were in the lead with 2-0.
During the second half Louis could hear the fans cheer and boo every once in a while, in a way that didn’t match what was going on on the pitch. Louis tried his best to keep that out of his head. This was the only game that mattered.
When Niall scored their fourth goal, in the last minute, they were sure they had won the title and the stadium erupted in cheers, but still when the referee blew the whistle, the team turned to their coach for him to give them the signal. The other game was over as well, the scores were shown on the big screen and the stadium erupted once more.
Louis had won his third league title of his career, during his last season. For the first time in a week, the tears were of happiness, not a broken heart.
“Couldn’t let you end your last season in second place,” Niall chuckled, pulling him in for a hug.
A moment later Louis was hoisted up into the air by his teammates, celebrating him. When he was placed down on the ground again, he ran over to the stands, making his way around the field, thanking the fans while they chanted his name. He stopped right in front of the family section and his entire family, including Zayn, was let onto the pitch, together with the other players' families.
He watched as his nieces and nephew ran around the field with the other kids, while he hugged all his siblings, his mum, her husband, and lastly Zayn.
“Your best game in your entire career,” Zayn said, holding him tightly.
“At least the most important one, as it feels right now,” Louis chuckled.
They had a day of celebration ahead of themselves and they made sure to celebrate until early in the morning. Louis was happy and tipsy when he arrived home, crashing into bed, feeling like he was floating on air.
He woke up a bit hungover the next morning, but he didn’t mind. They had won the league, he was as happy as he could be. He would have a few days off now, which still meant working out, but then he and some other teammates needed to get ready for the World Cup.
As soon as he picked up his phone he saw the headline staring back at him. The only notifications he allowed on his phone were for messages, phone calls, and one sports news paper.
Harry Styles at the game between…
Had Harry been there?
Louis was quick to unlock his phone and saw a picture of him. Harry had been at his game. Harry had watched him play his last club game of his career. Harry had been THERE!
The tears were filling his eyes again.
Louis: HARRY WAS THERE?!?!?!
Z: Yes, he was. I’ll be over in a few.
What? What did this mean? Had Zayn known? Why hadn’t he told him yesterday? Had Louis wanted to know yesterday? Probably not.
Louis took a quick shower, his heart beating fast in his chest. This was probably more than he could handle at the moment. The last few weeks had been a whirlwind of emotions and he didn’t know if he could handle more.
Why did Zayn take so fucking long?!
“Why didn’t you tell me?!” Louis said as soon as he opened the door.
“Because I didn’t want to be the one to tell you, I didn’t know how you would react.” Zayn had a worried frown on his face as he made his way to Louis’ living room. In his hand he was holding a gift bag.
“Is that for me?” Louis asked, surprised.
“It is. It’s from Harry…” Zayn said, carefully, watching Louis intensely.
“Wh–what?” Louis stuttered, feeling the pulse in his entire body. It felt like his heart was trying to escape his chest. What did that mean? Why did Zayn have a gift from Harry? Why was all of this happening now? Louis wished that time could just stop for a moment, he needed it to sort himself out. This was all too much at the same time. He was tossed between feeling happy for the win, and heartbroken by every memory playing in his head, over and over again. It was draining, exhausting.
“Long story short. He has followed your career and he knew who I was, from pictures in the papers and social media, I guess… He found me after the game and asked me to give this to you, if I deemed it appropriate,” Zayn explained, trying to school his face to not show what he really felt, but Louis could still see that he wasn’t sure he liked it.
“Do you?” Louis asked.
“I can’t withhold it from you,” Zayn said, holding out his hand to give Louis the bag. “It’s not for me to decide.”
Louis sat down on the sofa, slowly taking out what was inside the bag – a box of fancy chocolates and a card saying ‘For a great career. I’m proud of you.’
Louis swallowed hard, the tears very much present in his eyes again.
“He bought me chocolates,” he sniffled. “It’s his thing… He remembered.”
Zayn pulled him in for a tight hug, not saying anything, just holding him. Louis needed that hug. Louis needed someone to hold him together, while he figured out what all of this meant.
Even if Louis had tried his best after Harry left, to only focus on his training and the games, he still missed him on the stands.
Every time he scored, he listened for Harry’s whistle or his cheers. Louis always turned his head looking for him, but Harry was never there. Of course he wasn’t, he had left town and Louis shouldn’t even want him there. However, it had become a habit, one that Louis just couldn’t break as easy as he had wanted to.
When the season was over that year, when they had played their last game, Harry hadn’t been there to give him chocolate or wish him good luck, moving away to a bigger city, playing for a bigger team. Louis had signed the contract not long before Harry broke his heart. He had looked so incredibly proud of Louis, when he had heard the news – that Louis had got a deal with a Premier League club. It had been Louis’ lifetime goal, he had told Harry.
It wasn’t fair to say that no one was there to celebrate with him, because he had his family and they showered him with love. However, just a few months earlier he had lost his best friend and the one he was in love with, and that had left him feeling empty and alone.
It would take about five years before he let anyone else in the way he had let either of them in. That person was Zayn. He crashed into Louis’ life, out of nowhere, not caring about who Louis was. Zayn was a model back then, they had met on a night out. For some reason they had spent the night talking, not flirting, just talking, and since that day Zayn was in his life.
Now he was here with Louis, taking care of him, holding him together, letting him cry. Giving him the time he needed. He didn’t judge or speak his mind, just let Louis try to navigate through the situation the best he could, while Zayn held his hand along the way.