Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Marlene Mckinnon has known death her whole life. First it was her baby brother born without breath. Then it was her mother who drowned in grief and cheap wine. Then it was her father, who only died inside but she still counts it, she still lost someone from it. Later it was her grandparents and schoolmate's parents. The point is - Marlene Mckinnon knows grief like she would a lover: intimately, secretly and constantly . She doesn’t know how she would live without it; the knot of loss and love clumped together in hangnails and loose threads at the back of her throat. For this reason Marlene is also uncomfortably familiar with never getting the things that she wants. Marlene has come to the grim but honest conclusion that she is not the main character. Or the love interest. She is the funny sarcastic best friend who waits off screen while her crush gets the guy and the audience rejoices and either doesn't notice or ignores her painfully fake smile. She is the comedic relief that exists only to further the plot and crack shitty jokes to lighten the mood.

Marlene is not going to get the girl. Especially not when the girl is her best friend - certified super straight number one ally Mary Macdonald. Her love life truly is just one big cosmic fuck you. She knows this is true because even Lily pities her. Lily whose love life consisted of Severus Snape pining after her for years and James Potter in his hero-complex-fuckboy era until sixth year. 

Why she is dwelling upon this at three am on a Thursday however, is a wholly different matter. First, the reader must understand that Marlene is not one to express her emotions unless the emotions are funny, and secondly, this leads to muffled breakdowns in the early hours of the morning when her bubbling cauldron finally boils over. Thirdly, this leads to Lily Evans–the world’s lightest sleeper otherwise known as Marlene’s best friend–crawling under the covers with her and tricking her into processing her feelings. It's evil. And sometimes helpful. But mostly evil. 

This is the arrangement in place during this particular three am breakdown.

Lily smells like jasmine and her mum’s vanilla cookies, the scent envelopes Marlene as she battles through sobs under her duvet. It would be humiliating if she and Lily hadn’t already witnessed each other’s most embarrassing moments (Lily accidentally charming her teeth purple in second year and Marlene attempting to cut her own fringe in third).

“You could always tell her.” Lily whispers, using her pyjama top to wipe Marlene’s tears.

“I would rather die.” Marlene replies, batting Lily’s hand away.

“Why?” 

“Because it would literally ruin everything Lily, she doesn’t even like girls, let alone.. Well.. me”

“You don’t know that Marls.”

“Lily i think we both know that.”

And that is the crucial difference between Marlene and Lily - Marlene, underneath the loud laughs and quidditch and don’t care aura, is a pessimist, while Lily, behind the stress and all consuming guilt, cannot help but believe the best of every possible situation. It's probably why they’re such good friends, but Marlene doesn’t have time to dwell on the philosophy of her friendships, she’s too busy pretending she isn’t crying over her other–very much heterosexual–best friend.

Lily sighs and settles down next to her, properly this time, and offers Marlene a probably clean sock to mop her face properly when her sleeping shirt is saturated with tears and also a fair amount of snot (resources are scarce when you’re crying so hard you can’t breathe at three am with your roommate, about your other roommate). Marlene can sense the pity in Lily’s quiet gaze. Usually it would make her uncomfortable and irritable, but it’s Lily , Marlene could never be irritated by her, and to be fair she does currently resemble the dictionary subheading of ‘pitiful’. 

“You can’t just ignore this Marls,” Lily whispers and Marlene whines because she (1) knows for a fact that Lily is 1000% correct and (2) she really does just want to ignore this until it goes away, but alas, Lily disregards her halfhearted protestations and looks at her far too seriously for 3:47am on a Thursday. “I know you think you have to shove this down until it disappears or everyone will hate you or something, but that’s complete bullshit and you know it”. The worst part it, Marlene does know that, she is very much aware that suppressing this will only cause spontaneous combustion and other similar inconveniences, but talking about her feelings outside of making crappy jokes makes her feel like her soul got castrated and then dipped in 75% ethanol hand sanitiser. So, you know, she’s not a massive fan.

Marlene meets Lily’s eyes and doesn’t say anything, instead choosing to engage in the sacred, age-old form of silent argument - staring contests. The two lock eyes, unblinkingly, for what seems like an age (and what is actually on forty five seconds) before Marlene’s left eye begins burning and twitching. She never has been the best at staring contests and Lily has always been far too observant so of course Lily notices Marlene’s struggle and fading resolve. Lily smirks and pokes Marlene - right behind her ear where she’s most ticklish and just like that Marlene’s eyes are screwed tight as she squirms away. It’s only when the two have finished laughing like they're high and the world is ending that Marlene gasps in utter betrayal “You cheated” which only sets Lily off again, muffling giggles against Marlene’s arm until the sleepy hysteria subsides.

“I won” she crows

“ You cheated! ” Marlene argues, but her heart isn’t in it and Lily can tell.

“Yeah, and i won.”

Marlene knows it's no use arguing with her now, she’s lost - and the loser has to do whatever the winner tells them. Its the rules. And Marlene has a horrible feeling about what Lily is going to make her do.

“You need to write a journal” Lily says - no, decrees, and Marlene knows her horrible feeling was right.

“What.”

“You heard me,” Lily says with a sweet smile (Marlene can see the sadism and cold, calculating cruelty behind it) (Okay, maybe that’s a little dramatic but she really doesn’t want to write a journal about her embarrassing lesbian crush on Mary) “It’ll make you feel better, promise.”

“I- Fine. Okay. I’ll write the stupid journal” she grumbles, and Lily grins in triumph and yawns, stretching and elbowing Marlene in the shoulder.

“Night Lily” Marlene whispers, and Lily is already out cold, breathing softly against the nape of her neck. Dimly Marlene thinks that her life would be so much easier if she was in love with Lily instead of Mary, but not for too long, as sleep soon drags her under and she dreams of Mary and Cherry lipbalm stains on scribbled-over paper

Chapter Text

Marlene has decided that she is never writing in that stupid journal ever again. Ever since she admitted on paper that she may be harbouring a small, infinitesimal really, romantic attachment to Mary, she has lost any ability to keep her cool around her. All of a sudden it's like she has no control over what she says, does or the pitch of her voice! Marlene swears she never even knew she could speak that high!

It’s humiliating .

And to make matters worse, Mary has noticed. Of course she has, they’re best friends, and Mary has a sixth sense for secrets, especially the juicy ones. And Marlene’s big fat unrequited lesbian crush on her straight girl best friend/dorm mate? That’s as juicy as you get in the seventh year Gryffindor dormitories. Not only has Mary noticed, but she has also taken it upon herself to figure out why Marlene is acting like an eleven year old girl meeting the Beatles at any given moment. Marlene doesn’t even like the Beatles for Godric’s sake!

“Did you finally record a song you wrote and release it and now it’s the most popular song in muggle Britain?” Mary asks, only half joking, They’ve been at it for hours now. By ‘it’ I mean Mary asking increasingly more insane questions about the reason for Marlene’s behaviour and Marlene becoming increasingly impressed and Mary’s imagination. So far Mary has asked her if an estranged eccentric relative had died and left her everything in the will, if Marlene had discovered she was actually the ancestor of Merlin and for some reason, if Marlene was pregnant? “Mary, I’m a virgin lesbian, how could I possibly be pregnant?" was Marlene’s incredulous reply. Really, she was just so thankful that Mary hadn’t asked whether she-

“Oh my god it’s because you have a crush isn’t it!” Mary gasps with palpable excitement.

Well. Shit.

It seems Marlene spoke too soon.

“No I don’t!” Marlene says, well, a more accurate descriptor would be squeaks and- wait since when did Marlene squeak . Crushes are the worst .

Mary raises a skeptical eyebrow “Sure, and that’s why you’re doing an impression of if a tomato and a mouse had a child”

“ What? ”

Mary smirks “Red and squeaking.” and Marlene can feel her face grow hotter.

She gasps in mock offence and throws a pillow at Mary as playfully as she can manage. Maybe a pillow fight will distract Mary from the glaringly obvious fact that Marlene does indeed have a crush (and the crush is Mary). Maybe instead of grilling her further Mary will throw a pillow back at Marlene - a declaration of all out war. Maybe instead of talking they’ll barrel around the room chucking cushions and blankets and clothes at each other squawking with laughter and wheezing from breathlessness. Maybe they’d fall down next to each other, almost touching and the laughter would die out but their eyes would never stray from each other’s faces. Maybe Marlene would reach out and Mary would meet her halfway. Maybe the breath would be stolen from Marlene’s lungs as Mary shuffles closer and brushes the hair out of Marlene’s eyes, biting her lip in a bashful smile. Maybe Mary would let her eyes flutter close gently as she moves ever closer and Marlene would hold her breath in anticipation until finally their lips me-

A hand waves in front of Marlene’s face and she falls back to reality with a sickening thump, severely injuring her ego. “You okay Marlie?” Mary asks “You disappeared for a second there”. Marlene is temporarily dazed by Mary’s proximity and Mary’s voice and Mary’s smile and Mary’s eyes and… well… Mary . She shakes her head, pushing away the images of her and Mary (resembling a dog shaking itself dry in the process) and pastes on her signature a-ok Marlene Mckinnon smile - patent pending.

“All good, just distracted, that’s all” She says, flashing that winning smile.

Mary doesn’t seem convinced, but leaves it with only a skeptical once over and an exasperated sigh before beginning to sift through her clothes, pulling out a tight pink crop top and a bejewelled pair of flared jeans, Marlene remembers Mary staying up all night hand sticking each rhinestone to the denim.

“What are you getting all dressed up for?” she asks, already dreading the answer she’s sure she knows is coming.

“I,” Mary begins in a singsong voice, applying lipgloss that Marlene is sure will be the death of her “am doing on a date!” 

A cavern opens in the pit of Marlene’s stomach. 

“With who?” she replies on autopilot, dimly aware of the forced enthusiasm in her voice, she hopes Mary is too absorbed in doing her makeup that she doesn't notice.

“Benji Fenwick” Mary replies dreamily.

Marlene feels sick.

“He’s in Ravenclaw, I'm sure you’ve seen him around Marls, he has the most gorgeous eyes you wouldn’t even believe it” Mary continues while Marlene contemplates just how painful it would be to snap her ulna to spend the rest of the night in the hospital wing to cry. Why did she have to fall for the one straight girl in her friendship group? Statistically it's just unlikely! Her heart could have chosen Emmeline or Dorcas or Alice or Lily . Marlene will forever mourn the fact that she didn’t fall in love with Lily, especially when she feels Lily’s lingering gaze on her, and sees hidden flickers of rejection when she talks about Mary. Her and Lily would make a great couple, and they would last too, maybe all the way into adulthood. Best friends to lovers is logically the most stable background for a relationship, and she loves Lily, really she does. But she doesn’t Love Lily. No matter how hard Marlene tries, it’s always Mary who comes to her in her dreams, with whispered confessions and fleeting kisses. It is always Mary who comes to mind when the topic of Capital L Love comes around during late night slumber parties and gossip sessions.

She watches Mary finish getting ready, all sparkly eyeshadow and glossy pink lipgloss. A walking daydream really, and that is all she will ever be for Marlene: a daydream. 

“How do I look Marlene?” Mary asks, she is smiling but Marlene can see the way she’s biting the inside of her cheek and worrying at the hem of her top.

“You look perfect Mary,” she says, her smile genuine this time, “You always do” and Mary grins back, nerves and self consciousness disappearing. She steps forward and hugs Marlene and Marlene blinks back tears. She’s happy for Mary, she just isn’t happy for herself. She closes her eyes and savours Mary’s warmth and the smell of her Lavender perfume. Mary begins to pull away and Marlene lets her linger. She shouldn’t. She knows that. It will only hurt more when Mary leaves, but Marlene has never been one to deny Mary anything.

They part and Marlene is already mourning the loss. This is probably something Lily would want her to write in the journal.

“I’ll see you later, yeah?” Mary says, making her way to the door.

“Yeah, later” she manages and then Mary is gone, and Marlene?

Marlene aches .

She likes a boy. She says he's got nice eyes. He's dreamy. They're going on a date.

I wish I was a boy.

Chapter Text

Marlene writes in the journal again. It's kind of freeing, she finds, to spill her emotions with no one to pass judgement on them. No guilt bubbling under skin as she cries to Lily about her unrequited love all while knowing Lily is dealing with the same thing. Marlene hopes that in some other universe she is in love with Lily at the same time Lily is in love with her. It would be a nice universe to live in, no useless pining or desperate prayers to a God she barely even believes in.

She continues scrawling her feelings across the page, filling it with jealousy and anger poorly disguised as melancholy. Marlene has never been one to mope, her tongue is too sharp and her impulse control too underdeveloped for that. The more she writes the angrier Marlene becomes; it's not fair that she's doomed to pine after someone who doesn't even like girls while another pretty, smart, fun girl pines after her what kind of fucked up cosmic joke is that?

By the time Lily returns to the dorm after a day studying in the library (read: avoiding both of her dorm mates), Marlene is fuming, tunnel vision and grinding teeth. If she were a cartoon then there would be steam pouring out of her ears and fire in her hair.

One thing that the reader should note, is that anger severely reduces Marlene's risk assessment. In the past it has led to blue hair, a septum piercing and one time a boyfriend (although that only lasted three days and ended in a broken nose and undeniable confirmation that she is 100% a lesbian). So when Lily eyes her warily and opens her mouth to gauge the situation, she doesn't even get through the first syllable of Mary's name before Marlene had her pinned to the wall, breathing hard and fast through flared nostrils and a clenched jaw. Her glare meets Lily's bewildered gaze and she can feel her soft breath against her cheek.

"I don't want to talk about Mary." she grinds out.

"Fine," Lily replies quickly "We won't talk about Mary."

Marlene shakes her head with a jagged glass shard of a laugh.

"I don't want to talk at all" She murmurs and tilts her head, eyes drifting to Lily's lips. Lily has green eyes. Mary's eyes are deep brown with flecks of tigers eye gold. But Mary is on a date with a boy called Benji Fenwick who she thinks is dreamy, and Lily is in love with her. Green eyes will have to do for now. Lily doesn't wear lip gloss like Mary does, her lips are drier, pinker and slightly chapped, the result of exam season anxiety. Mary's lips are never chapped, she's always wearing some kind of moisturising lip balm or scrub to make sure of it. But Lily's chapped pink lips are there and—if her thumping heart is any clue—wanting to be kissed. Marlene knows it's wrong, she knows it's cruel but she also knows that Lily will let her and, well, she really needs a distraction.

Marlene surges forward and Lily folds into her. They fit perfectly together, a tragedy in two jigsaw pieces. Lily cups her face and Marlene tugs her even closer and they kiss and they kiss and they kiss and they kiss, tumbling back into a bed—merlin knows who's—and close their eyes tight. This way Marlene can pretend she's kissing Mary and Lily can pretend she doesn't know.

Lily breaks away first, breathless "This isn't fair Marlie" and Marlene knows she's right. Lily is always right, but Lily is also staring far too intently at her lips to pretend she hates her for this.

"We should probably stop" Marlene agrees, inching forward.

"We really should" Lily breathes.

They don't stop. Marlene kisses Lily like she has no choice and Lily kisses her back like it's her only choice. She tells herself that the licks of guilt are just Lily's tongue and she moans Mary's name in her head because this is the closest she'll ever get to kissing her. It's wrong, of course it is, but god when Lily kisses so fiercely Marlene barely has to pretend that it's Mary whose holding her hips and bruising her lips and neck and collarbones. With her eyes closed Lily's petal soft hands could be Mary's and the saliva on her lips could be Mary's strawberry lip gloss. If she closes her eyes tight enough, she's holding Mary as Mary whines her name and runs manicured hands through her choppy bleach blonde hair.

Later, Marlene will crawl under the covers of Lily's bed and say sorry, it was a mistake, it won't happen again, I'm so sorry. They'll both know its a lie but Lily will forgive her anyways, of course she will, they're best friends. But for now they will make out, on a bed that could be one of theirs but is probably Mary's and push all of their hate for each other into nips and whines and dangerously gentle caresses.

"I'm sorry." Marlene says into Lily's bruises lips.

"Then stop kissing me." Lily replies, handing Marlene a chance to redeem herself, and in true Marlene fashion she only snorts and claims Lily's lips once again. She knows she doesn't necessarily have to claim Lily, that Lily is already hers, but it's fun in a toxic and slightly vindictive way.

They kiss until both of them are gasping, and dizzy from lack of oxygen, and then they kiss some more. Sloppy, careless, as the anger dissipates from Marlene's vision and she sees clearly instead of red.

She pulls away.

"You'll regret this, won't you" Lily says, but Marlene knows she's asking whether Marlene will regret her.

"How could I regret you Lily?" Marlene replies, but Lily only sighs.

She stands and straightens her clothes "I'll see you at dinner Marls".

"Wait-" Marlene calls out as Lily reaches the door. Lily turns and a whisper of hope flits across her face.

"You uh," Marlene begins "You have a hickey on your neck."

The hope dies.

"Oh." Lily says, "Thanks." and turns her collar up slightly. She leaves without looking back and Marlene feels her stomach sink.

Her anger has been replaced with thick, heavy guilt and she drinks it down like its whiskey and she's an addict. Lily doesn't deserve to be Marlene's consolation prize, she doesn't deserve to be kissed by someone who is thinking about someone else. Lily is smart and fun and pretty and so, so kind, the kind of kind that lets their crush makeout with them to fantasise about their best friend. The kind of kind that would let it happen again.

If I kiss Lily enough times maybe one day I'll feel something. I really really hope I do.