Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Kel stares at the ceiling. 

He turns over and hides his face in his blanket, forcing his eyes closed. Then he turns over again. And again. Eventually he just pushes himself up and looks at a digital clock on his desk. It's 2:36 A.M. He's been having a hard time sleeping lately, he's not sure why. He looks over at Hero's side of the room. Empty. Something tugs in his heart, and his throat starts to hurt. ...He's not sure why.

Maybe it's because he's tired. Maybe it's because he's alone. Maybe it's because he can't get any of his homework done. Maybe it's because he feels lost. Maybe it's because he's missing the older brother who always helped him and guided him through his struggles. Maybe it's because he's a failure when there's no one there to aid him.

God, get it together. He's 17, he's almost an adult. He needs to do things on his own; be responsible. He needs to get his homework done on time, he needs to get a job, he needs to do things right. No more failing all his classes. No more leaning on others for help. No more being a stupid disappointment to his friends and family. No more being a stupid worthless failure nobody cares about. If he's gonna be an adult he has to stop being someone that everyone would be happier with if he just stopped existing—

Shut up. He needs to sleep. Whining to himself is not going to make him go to sleep. Just shut up, shut up, shut up. 

He lays back down. He wished he could just turn his brain off, or make himself fall asleep right then and there. His throat hurts even more, but there are no tears. He hasn't cried in a long time, he thinks his body forgot how to. That's fine, that's good, the fact he forgot how to cry means he has nothing to cry about. He's perfectly ok.

He covers his head with his blanket, and forces his eyes closed for the thousandth time that night. He imagines some daydream about Captain Spaceboy that he's thought of a million times before. He hopes he'll fall asleep soon.

Morning again. Once again being woken up by his frustrated mom, berating him for constantly sleeping in and being late to school. He gets up, goes to the bathroom, gets changed, eats breakfast; routine. And then he's at school.

It's first period. He's bored. Math, something he's never been really good at. Numbers are just really confusing sometimes. He should be in algebra two right now, but he failed geometry last year so now he has to take it again. The information isn't exactly sticking any more than it did last time. He's surprised he even passed algebra one.

There's... nothing to do. He doesn't share this class with anyone he really knows, except for one of his teammates in basketball. Kel would be joking around with him, but he's all the way on the other side of class... because the teacher got tired of them disrupting class back when the school year had just started, so now their assigned seats are always far apart. So, instead, Kel's just doodling on his textbook paper instead of doing any of the math problems. He's not really an artist, but he picked up doodling a while ago as a way to combat boredom, so he thinks he got at least ok at drawing as a result.

Bell rings, period two. He shoves his new math homework - that likely won't be turned in - in his backpack and gets out as fast as he can. He hates that class. But next up is history, which is... fine. He's not great at it, and it's not exactly interesting, but the teacher's funny.

He listens to the teacher, does the work to the best of his ability, the bell rings and he shoves homework papers in his backpack. Period three, oh thank GOD it's science. It's the class he's second best at! First being, well, basketball of course. The teacher is sweet, the work is (mostly) manageable, and he shares this class with Basil! Though, Basil acts... really anxious whenever Kel goes to sit with him, so he just kinda gets to look at Basil sometimes and maybe wave. But whatever.

Bell rings, it's lunch. Finally . Kel gets the school offered lunch (which really isn't that good) and goes to sit with...

Nobody.

Kel's not exactly on good terms with Aubrey. They'd been fighting for a WHILE before Hero cleared up the situation and got them to apologize to each other. But, they didn't have that much peace before Sunny told them about......

...

And Aubrey became pretty upset again after that. She seems to only really let the Hooligans hang out with her, like before. She's very cold to both Basil and Kel. Kel because, as she said, he forgave them too quickly. Kel just doesn't want to think about it. He wants it to be like before, so just- just forget that Sunny... forget about it. It doesn't matter. Aubrey's just being her annoying self again.

And Kel can't sit with Basil because Basil always seemed nervous and uncomfortable whenever he would try. Kel can take a hint! Sometimes. Basil just needs a while to figure out that Kel really does forgive him, is all! A... long... while...

It's fine. He can eat his food alone. He's almost an adult! He can't be needing other people to sit with him when he eats like a toddler, that's weird. He's weird.

The food tastes bad. He only eats a couple bites before throwing it away. Oh, wait, there's still a good 20 minutes left of lunch.

...He daydreams about Hero coming home from college.

Kel's finally back home from school, and he's exhausted . Basketball is his last period, and like usual he had a lot of fun! But he also definitely did a little too much for someone who only got like 2 or 3 hours of sleep. He's probably gonna sleep well tonight. He's been doing this back and forth, where one night he'll get a little sleep, then the next he gets a ton of sleep, then a little, then a ton. He always sleeps in though, that doesn't change. And sometimes he'll get little sleep two nights in a row. He really hopes that doesn't happen this night.

His mom is going on some rant about making sure he does his homework that she says pretty much every day, he's too tired to care. He pretends to listen and agree and then books it to his room. Books it as in walks, because his legs are sore from basketball. He shoves his backpack and jacket off, and flops on his bed. His stomach hurts, but he's too tired to go get food. 

He stares at the ceiling for a bit, daydreaming that he's stargazing. There's a constellation of a basketball, and one of his face, and one of Spaceboy. He turns around and puts his blanket on top of him, closing his eyes. He knows he won't sleep, or nap, but he's really tired. A bit of rest won't hurt. And he can tell his mom that the time he spent resting was actually him doing homework.

He thinks about how much longer he has left of school until summer break again. It's early-mid second semester; March. It's around here when people start to talk about how summer break is coming up... but it never actually feels soon. It feels a million miles away.

Something aches in Kel's chest. A longing for something. He misses something. He's not sure what. He'd guess that he misses Mari, especially since her birthday recently passed, but it feels different than the longing he's felt for her. Here in the silence of his room, not a single sound to be heard, he feels completely and entirely... alone.

But why? He's not alone! He has his friends! Isn't that what he worked so hard for, in the days leading up to Sunny moving away? He got the group back together! They're together again, he has no reason to feel alone.

Well, Sunny moved away after that of course. And Hero went back to college. And Aubrey gets mad every time Kel tries to hang with her... A-And Basil isn't comfortable being near Kel right now... And Mari is.....

But he has his basketball teammates! That's nice, right? He's not alone, most of them are pretty friendly with him! They just uh, aren't really able to hang out outside of class. 

...

...Is he... really that alone?

Something aches in his stomach. A very sharp and painful ache! Ow! It actually leaves him unable to move for a minute!? What the hell was that- oh right, he hasn't actually eaten anything since this morning because the school lunch sucked. He gets up and goes downstairs, grabbing some quick snack from the fridge and mindlessly eating it. It's too early for supper.

While eating, his mind wanders. 

He's not sure he can survive another 12 weeks of this.

Chapter Text

Morning. Slept in, late to school. Kel's mom is lecturing him again. Get ready, go out the door, get to school. He didn't feel like eating breakfast today. First period, second period, third period, lunch. It's bad. He doesn't eat it. The whole day, his throat has been aching, his head pounding, and his muscles aching. He wishes for it to be over.

Fourth period, fifth period, sixth period. He does worse than usual at basketball, and he's mad at himself over it. Stupid stupid stupid, can't even remember the most basic things.

Running around the court trying to get the ball from the opposing players, he is painfully aware that his head and stomach are killing him. He's sweating, struggling to breathe, but he has to score the next point to make up for how awful he did last practice round. So his teammates don't think of him as the useless waste he is. 

He feels... really lightheaded and dizzy. A bit nauseous maybe. His vision is starting to look weird somehow. He's not paying attention to it. He needs to..... get... the... ball...

Suddenly, he realizes he's smushed up against something cold, and his eyes are closed. His head feels fuzzy, static-y, it's a bit hard to think. He forces his eyes open and realizes he's... on the court floor? He can see the legs of a bunch of people, his teammates, gathered around him. They're talking about something, but it's too hard to concentrate on what they're saying.

Every part of his body hurts, and it feels so much easier to just lay there. But- but, he needs to find out what his teammates are talking about, to help them with the practice game. He needs to get back on his feet and go after that damn ball so they know he's not useless.

With all the strength he can muster, he forces his arms to push him up quickly, and makes himself stand up right after. 

!!

As soon as he's up, his heart pounds faster than it ever has before, he feels extremely dizzy, his legs can't hold him up and he very suddenly falls, being caught by the coach, who was also there. It was all so quick, he can't even process what's going on. He feels like he's going to throw up, despite how excruciatingly empty his stomach feels. His head feels like it's about to burst. He hates this. He can't think about anything other than how awful he feels right now.

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. He's vaguely aware that people are moving now, someone is holding him and taking him somewhere. He can't move. His eyes burn. He realizes he's struggling for air and starts focusing on breathing. After a bit, he's brought to a room that he recognizes as the school's health office. He feels so... tired . He closes his eyes.

All that he's aware of for an unbearably long time is the darkness of his eyelids, the feeling of air going in and out of his chest, and the pain all around his body.

— — — — — — —

It's silent. Kel feels warm, but it's comfortable. In fact, he's very comfortable. Something soft is covering him. He never wants to get up and leave this comfort. Though, he's only partially aware of it all. He lays there, content, for who knows how long, until becoming a little more conscious. And he realizes he's in his bed.

...In his bed, so it must be morning. But, didn't he already go to school? He vaguely remembers it, yeah, he went to school already, so how is it morning again? Did he dream he went to school? Or maybe he's remembering school from the day before?

Then he remembers what happened in sixth period, and it makes sense. Ah, he must've fallen asleep after being taken to the health office. Now that he's thinking about it, he's aware that his entire body still aches horribly. He guesses he can't move without immense effort, but he doesn't try to anyway since he's so comfortable. His head is still throbbing.

He lays there unmoving for probably at least an hour. He doesn't really want to think about what happened, so he attempts to daydream about Captain Spaceboy to keep himself entertained instead. But, he has a hard time keeping his mind from wandering, so he only really actually daydreamed for a fraction of the time.

Eventually, the wonderful coziness comes to an end, as his body starts itching to move around. He slowly pushes himself up - he learned from earlier to NOT go too quickly - and heads downstairs, going into the kitchen.

His dad, seeing Kel's up, looks at him with concern and asks if he's ok and if he needs anything. Kel asks for headache medicine because - wow! - that throbbing is very annoying! Then he looks at the time on the microwave and realizes it's already 7 P.M., so he asks for supper as well. He hasn't eaten anything since yesterday, which is probably part of why he fainted during basketball. He is VERY hungry.

He can also guess tonight will be another night of little sleep. Aside from the aching and pain, his body feels well rested and energized, since he just slept for like 5 hours. Which means he won't be going back to sleep any time soon.

Kel's dad gave him the medicine, and now he's sitting at the dining table with a plate of rice and beans. He didn't feel much pain in his stomach for a while, but seeing and smelling the food brought it right back. And yet, something's wrong. Having not eaten in a whole 24 hours, stomach panging, being the most hungry he's ever been in his life, and faced with a plate of food... he doesn't really want to eat it. 

He knows he should. But looking at it makes him feel weird. Like something's telling him he shouldn't eat it. He's not sure why.

The hunger overtakes, however, and he takes a few bites. Then a few more. And before he knows it, he's eaten a good amount of his food, though there's still some left over. He feels pretty full, surprisingly. He expected he'd eat more because of how long it's been since he last ate. But he still feels like he's missing something...

He knows he probably shouldn't drink anything caffeinated when it's so close to bedtime, but he doesn't care. He grabs one of his Orange Joe cans from the fridge and downs it. Yummy! It's not like he would've slept much tonight anyway.

Not having any more ideas for what to do, Kel begrudgingly decides to get started on his homework. He goes back to his room and pulls out the crumpled papers from his backpack. He stares at the problems in annoyance, and answers what he can... but this doesn't last long. It quickly devolves into doodling and then full drawings. Most of them are of Captain Spaceboy. They aren't particularly good, but it's fun! And it's a great way to stay entertained when you have nothing to do.

— — — — — — —

It's dark.

Yup, he's not sleeping tonight.

He stayed up for a while drawing, but eventually his hands got tired and he got bored. So, now he's just laying here. On his bed. Still bored out of his mind.

He's hungry again. He doesn't care to get up and get a midnight snack though. Maybe it's better if he doesn't eat right now.

He thinks about sixth period. He was so bad . The team was split into groups to practice a maneuver they had been working on, and he only did it correctly once. He kept missing the ball, or stopping too late, or flinching, or not paying attention. He got shoved onto the floor and almost got trampled at one point because he SOMEHOW didn't see his teammates running towards him. That cost their group the point, because they had to make sure he was ok! He's so stupid. They were right there and he didn't move out of the way, is he blind!?

And then he failed them again!! In the next round, he tried to make up for the lost point, and then he FAINTED on them!! They ALL had to stop the WHOLE GAME because of him. And then he had to get taken to the health office, so they lost a group member after that too!! 

... But they probably did better without him, anyway. They were probably happier without him messing them up constantly.

What a waste of a person he is.

Useless. He's useless. Completely and entirely useless .

He fails most of his classes. He never does homework on time, if at all. All the people he'd call friends don't want to hang out with him. He doesn't do anything good. He doesn't do anything. He's a complete waste of space. He's useless.

His stomach pangs. He needs to eat—

No. No, he will not eat.

Useless people don't get to eat.

It'd be a waste of food. It'd be more of a waste than throwing food on the ground, because at least the ants get something out of it. But he does nothing good. Nothing, nothing, nothing .

He does nothing. He does nothing. He does nothing. He's useless. Useless. Useless.

Useless, useless, useless, useless, useless, useless, useless, useless useless useless useless useless uselessuselessuselessuseless—

Hahahaha, useless doesn't feel like a word anymore...

...

If he were dead, he wouldn't be wasting anything anymore. He should die. Then everyone would be so much happier. He wouldn't mess up anything anymore, because he'd be dead. (useless worthless unloved—)

But that's scary. Death is scary. So he guesses nobody's gonna get what they want, because he's too much of a coward to kill himself, which means he's gonna keep being a waste forever. (fix it fix it fix it)

Because the only way to fix him being a waste—

(FIX IT) 

—would be by killing himself.

(FIX IT!!!) 

...

He has to... ...

He won't kill himself right now. He's too much of a coward. But... maybe he could... try something small? He can't fix it. But he can punish himself for it. And maybe the punishment will make him fix it later.

He gets up. He goes downstairs. He heads to the kitchen...

And he grabs a knife.

Chapter Text

Kel sits in his history class, extremely exhausted. He didn't get any sleep last night. He's not listening to any of what the teacher's saying, constantly spacing out. He's just tired. 

He's dully aware of the pain in his arm, which spikes into an excruciating sharp pain every time it brushes against something. He didn't expect skin to be so hard to cut, or how painful it would be, but he had pushed himself to make sure he'd bleed. 

What was WRONG with him!? Why did he do that!?!? Now he has to go to every class while in pain AND he needs to make sure his jacket sleeve doesn't lift up. He doesn't want anyone seeing it. He put bandages on it in the morning after he snapped out of his spiral, but he doesn't want to hear anyone's pitying "What happened? Are you ok?". He doesn't know what he'll even do in basketball... just leave the jacket on?? Take it off and hope nobody notices the blood??

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"Kelsey!!"

The teacher calling his name snaps him back to reality.

"What was the answer to question twenty-nine, that Sidney just answered?"

Kel stares at the teacher. He looks around frantically for something that can tell him the answer. He realizes everyone has their notebooks out, and he doesn't. He's not close enough to read anything written in their notebooks.

"U-Um... ... I don't know."

"And that's because you weren't paying attention," the teacher retorts. "Focus, or you're getting detention, young man."

"Yes, ma'am, sorry..." Kel's not sure he can focus right now even if his life depended on it. Might as well make it look like he's focusing, at least...

— — — — — — —

It's the end of third period now. Bell rung, and Kel's getting ready to head out for lunch. Someone taps him near his shoulder. He turns around. It's Basil.

"U-Uh, K-Kel, hi, sorry! I just, um, sorry- sorry to bother you, I just wanted to ask if you, uh, were ok? You look really tired and just, not doing that great? So I wanted to see if you were ok? Sorry..."

Kel didn't exactly have the energy to have a conversation right now. Or, think and form words in general. But he has to say something, so he'd rather get the conversation over with quickly. 

"It's ok, uh, I'm fine." He gets ready to walk off, but-

"N-No, you aren't. You look... really bad. Are you sick? You should've stayed home!"

Kel's mom wouldn't let him stay home. His grades are too awful to miss school. Not like going makes them any better, though. He envies Hero for having been allowed to stay in his bed for so long, when even the suggestion of one day as a break gets met with a lecture when Kel brings it up.

Anyway, Kel's surprised by Basil's seemingly genuine concern, but he can tell Basil still isn't comfortable around him. And Kel doesn't want to talk or think about anything. He needs to convince Basil that he's fine.

"No. I'm fine. I'm good, I'm great even! I'm having the time of my life!" Kel tries to get more enthusiastic to be more convincing, but it ends up sounding like sarcasm.

"W-What's wrong? What happened? I-If um, if y-you want to tell me, I get if you don't- um-"

"I'm hungry," which is true! "I need to go get lunch before the line gets too long," which is not true, he will not be getting that lunch. "Bye," and he walks off quickly before Basil can say anything else.

"Oh, um, b-bye!"

He walks for a while, and then finds a corner outside to sit in. He is definitely not eating the school lunch. The fact that it looks and smells like vomit was only half the reason. He sees everyone sitting around in various places, eating, talking and laughing with their friends. After a while, he sees Basil sit down alone, in a spot where he wouldn't be able to see Kel, thankfully. 

He wonders if Basil feels as horribly alone as he does. But if he does, wouldn't he be desperate for Kel's company? Guess Kel's just too annoying for even the most lonely people. Or maybe Basil isn't lonely, and Kel's the only one nobody wants to be near.

Aubrey hates him, Basil is uncomfortable around him... He wonders what Sunny and Hero think. He probably bothered Sunny too much getting him out of his house, was too bossy about where to go, was too loud and annoying. Sunny must think he's awful. Hero probably thinks he's whiny and clingy, especially after how he acted during winter break when Hero visited. He was really happy that Hero was back, but definitely acted extremely clingy and annoying.

He wonders if Mari has been watching them all, from the afterlife. He wonders if she hates him too.

...   

He started dozing off, almost fell asleep, but the bell ringing gave him a rude awakening. Right, there's still half the classes to go. It already feels like it's been a million years, but sure, he'll keep trudging through. Not like he has any other choice.

— — — — — — —

After what felt like forever, he's home. The first thing he did was rush to his room and flop on his bed. He's been laying here for who knows how long now.

He didn't do anything in basketball. Everyone was really worried for him. The coach said that he would be allowed to sit out for the whole period. Kel tried to protest, he didn't want to sit there and do nothing while everyone else worked hard, but one of his teammates insisted that he should rest. To quote, they said he "looks like shit," which makes sense considering the lack of sleep. Kel only agreed because he realized he would just bring the team down again like yesterday.

His stomach is killing him. He feels horribly nauseous. Even if he wanted to eat, which he doesn't, the nausea is so bad that he'd probably immediately throw it up anyway. So, he just has to deal with the pain, just like he has to deal with the pain in his arm from his stupid, stupid decisions.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Stupid. Worthless. Idiotic. Moron. Useless. A waste of space. 

Fix it. Fix it, fix it, fix it. 

Cutting will fix it.

SHUT UP!! That hurt like HELL he is NOT doing that again!!

FIX IT.

HE NEEDS TO FIX IT!!

Shut up, shut up, shut up!! (fix it, fix it, fix it)

STOP! STOP IT!! WHY DOES HE WANT TO HURT HIMSELF SO BADLY!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM!?!?

Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop. (doing it will make it stop)

No, no, no no no no no-

FIX IT!!

If he just cuts one more time he'll stop thinking about doing it, right? Just- Just stop thinking about it. Just stop...

He's a burden on everyone, he needs to fix it by punishing himself. Fix it. Fix it.

BLEED.

He goes to the kitchen.

Fix it.

He grabs a knife. He's shaking.

Fix it.

He goes back to his room, hiding the knife in his jacket.

Fix it.

He takes off the bandages. He holds the knife up to his arm.

...He really doesn't want to do this again. 

Fix it.

But his brain is overwhelming him with the need to (fix it) . So if he just does it once, just one more time... 

BLEED!!!

Chapter Text

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. God, IT HURTS!!

Kel grits his teeth, laying in bed. It's night, he's supposed to be sleeping. Though, of course, he isn't.

He hates himself for putting himself through this again. And yet there's still a part of him that wants to do it more.

He feels sick. His stomach feels horribly empty. He's sort of used to it now, but it still hurts. However, it's nothing compared to his arm.

He's shaking. He doesn't know how much longer he can last. He wishes he would die right now, and get the pain over with. He just wants this all to be over. He wants to be ok. To be happy. To not be a failure anymore. To not be alone anymore.

Cut, cut, cut.

NO!!

Kel opens his eyes. He counts how many items he can see on his side of the room. Something, anything to get his mind off that . He sees his Captain Spaceboy poster. He wonders if Spaceboy has ever felt as lonely as he does. No, he's a fictional character, idiot, of course he hasn't.

He looks over at Hero's side of the room. Hero... Hero would always comfort him. Well, not always, but...

He scraped his knee once while playing outside as a little kid. Hero heard him crying, and hugged him. Told him he was going to be ok, that it was just a little scratch. It hurt too much for Kel to walk, so Hero told their parents and their mom came and bandaged him up. She lectured him about watching where he was going so he wouldn't get hurt again. He remembers feeling a bit resentful that she just seemed annoyed with him, while Hero actually comforted him. 

Of course, now he knows his mom did care, she was just trying to make sure he wouldn't get hurt again. But, Hero was usually better at comforting him than either of their parents were.

Hero...

...

He wants to talk to Hero.

He gets up, despite the pain in his arm and stomach, and heads out of his room. He glimpses the digital clock as he walks, it's 3:54 A.M. He goes downstairs, to the living room. Next to the T.V. is the cordless phone, which he picks up, turns on, and, uh, stares at for a second. He tries and fails to remember Hero's number, then walks back to his room to find where he wrote it down. There it is. He types it in, and the phone rings. He waits.

Someone answers the phone.

"Hero...?"

" ...Kel? Why are you calling me in the middle of the night? " Hero sounds annoyed, and like he just woke up.

"I, um, sorry. I'm just... I'm scared..."

" Scared of what? "

"I..." Kel doesn't know how to explain it, or what to say. Why'd he think this was a good idea? Even he doesn't understand it. He's just bothering Hero. But... now that he already started the call, he might as well try.

"It... hurts... a lot... and I- I feel sick..."

"... Where does it hurt? "

"Arm... a-and, stomach... I-I, um, I haven't eaten much, recently. A-And my arm, um... I- I felt really bad about myself, and like I was just useless, so I um, I w-wanted to... um... punish myself... for it..."

Saying it out loud felt really weird, and scary, and dumb. He was sure Hero was going to yell at him for doing something so stupid.

" Punish yourself... how? " Kel isn't sure what the tone in Hero's voice is.

"B-By, um... hurting myself. With a... a knife. I-I um, I wanted to make sure I'd bleed, because of how stupid and useless I was, be-because I- I deserved it." The last part kind of tumbled out of Kel's mouth without him thinking. He was agonizingly aware of how idiotic it sounded. God, Hero must hate him right now. He just made him wake up just to tell him 'I'm scared because I hurt myself on purpose like a moron.'

Hero's silent for a while. Every second makes Kel feel even more strongly that Hero's pissed with him. But, when he finally speaks, his voice is soft and filled with concern.

" Did... you clean the wounds? "

"N-No... I just- just bandaged them. S-Sorry."

" Ok. Ok, you should... you should clean them. Listen to me, go to the bathroom and take the bandages off. "

"Ok..." Kel walks over to the bathroom, careful to not make too much noise and wake his parents. "Um, and then I just... put soap and water on it, right?"

" Yes. It'll probably hurt, but it's good, I promise. It'll make sure the wounds don't get infected. "

"Alright..." He sets the phone down to wash the cuts on his arm. The cold water on his arm already hurt a lot, but putting soap on made it even worse. The searing pain left him unable to move for a minute. But, it toned down after a moment, and he dried his arm off and put fresh bandages on. He picks up the phone again.

"I- I cleaned it. And I put bandages back on."

" Ok, good. "

Hero's quiet for a bit again. Kel walks back to his room so he doesn't have to worry about the awkward silence.

" Kel... Why did you... ... "

" You- You said you felt useless. Why...? What happened? "

"...I dunno, I just... I don't get good grades, and, like, I was having a hard time in basketball recently... bringing my team down... and..."

Kel starts to tear up. His throat hurts.

"...Nobody... wants to hang out with me... I feel so alone, and- and every day just gets harder, and I'm so tired all the time. I just- I just want it to be over, and for me to be happy, but it's like I- I have nothing to do and nobody to hang with and I just feel so... useless..."

"I don't- I don't do anything. I don't get good grades, I don't have a job, I don't have anyone to mess around with, I'm just a waste. Of food, of time, of... everything... I just... I'm supposed to be an adult soon, and adults have responsibilities and stuff, and I don't do anything. Sometimes I think... people might be happier if I... if I d-died..."

Kel's sight is blurry. He squeezes his eyes closed to clear his vision, and tears start running down his cheeks. 

" Kel... " Hero's voice is so quiet, Kel could barely hear it over the phone. 

" You're not- That's not true. You're not useless. Everyone struggles with things sometimes, and that doesn't make them useless. They might just need a break, or some help to get it done. Even if you don't have much you think you can do right now, you still don't deserve pain or- or death. Someone's worth isn't determined by how much they can do. A lot of people love you, Kel. I love you. Don't ever forget that, ok? "

"O-Ok..." Kel's full on crying now. He forgot how it felt to cry. "I- I love you, too. I'm- I'm sorry..."

" Don't say sorry, you have nothing to apologize for. You're a wonderful person, you're one of the funniest, kindest people I've ever met. And I'm proud of you. "

" If... If you ever feel like hurting yourself again, try to distract yourself, ok? Remind yourself of how much people love you. And if you need to, you can call me, and I'll help you get through it, too. You're not alone. "

"Th-Thank... you..." Kel can barely get the words out in between sobs.

He takes a minute to compose himself. Deep breaths, in... and out...

Hero taught him to do that.

"...I-I just. I don't know what to do now. You're still in college, and Sunny moved away, and Aubrey's mad at me, and Basil seems uncomfortable around me... I feel so lonely..."

" Basil's uncomfortable with you? " Hero sounds confused.

"I dunno. After what Sunny told us, Basil always seemed really nervous around me... Like he didn't want to be near me... So I just left him alone..."

" Maybe you should talk to him, then. Ask him why he's nervous near you. Then you could talk it out, and you'll be able to spend time with him when you feel lonely. "

"...Alright. I'll... try..."

" And, I'll see if I can come visit this weekend, too. So you can look forward to that as well. "

"... Thank you..."

" Of course. Now, it's really late, you should try to get some sleep. " Hero says, softly.  

" And try to remember to eat breakfast in the morning this time! " He adds with a light laugh. 

"I'll try," Kel says, smiling.

"I love you."

" I love you, too. "

Kel ends the call. He stares at the phone in his hands for a minute, and wipes his face with his arm. He feels like a big weight has just been lifted off his heart. And he feels... genuine happiness, for the first time in a while. No, not happiness... catharsis .

He thinks... maybe things will get better.