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Published:
2025-07-26
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2025-08-14
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10/?
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I'm a human, I come with knives

Summary:

Elisabeth Ogai was sent to a mental facility shortly after her adoptive father attempted murder on her.
What friendships will emerge?
What enemies will be made?
And what will happen when one of the patients looks just like her father, Mori Ogai?

ONGOING, UPDATES EVERY SUNDAY

Chapter 1: Introductions

Chapter Text

Introductions to every character in the institution currently.

 

 

 

Akutagawa Ryuunosuke:

Institutionalized for depression and suicide attempts 

22 years old

Nakajima Atsushi:

Institutionalized for hallucinations due to PTSD  

19 years old

Nakahara Chuuya:

Institutionalized for an undiagnosed disorder, severe trauma affecting his daily life

24 years old

Osamu Dazai:

Institutionalized for major depression and suicide attempts

23 years old

Nikolai Gogol:

Institutionalized for insanity/an undiagnosed disorder

27 years old

Fyodor Dostoevsky:

Institutionalized for narcissism disorder 

???

Yumeno Kyuusaku Q: 

Institutionalized for schizophrenia 

14 years old

Elise Ogai:

Institutionalized for depression, suicide attempts, and PTSD

13 years old

 

 

 

KEEP IN MIND THIS AN AU, AGES WILL BE DIFFERENT

Chapter 2: I was just one in four, according to the statistics

Summary:

Elise my baby3

I'm kinda making Mori a bitch in this so if you're a Mori fan mb

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Elise was found nearly dead, blood dripping from her head and arms. Her adoptive father was found to have smashed a bottle over her head and scraped the glass across her arms.  

Elise was taken into the mental facility and brought into the infirmary, where she was aided to health. It took a good month for her to properly wake up.   

The workers got Elise's name, Elisabeth Ogai. They found her adoptive father was Mori Ogai, and that he had been hurting her for the few years of them being together.   

Elise was shortly brought to a part of the facility with many other people and given a room. The room had another boy in it, but Elise couldn't care. She was away from  him and nothing else mattered.  

It was three days later when the nurses brought her to a room with a handful of other people.   

"This, is Elisabeth!" One of the nurses said this far too excitedly. Elise looked to the crowd and noticed the man in the corner not looking at her like the others.  

Like he can sense her thoughts, he looked up and gave a grin. Elise's heart skipped through her body. He looked so much like him.   

Elise stepped away from him, and sat next to a boy with fiery hair.   

"Hi Elisabeth!"  

Elise looked up and saw the boy she was roommates with standing over her. She sighed and stared at him.   

He tried again, "I'm Yumeno, but some people call me Q because of my last name!"   

Elise stared at him and said, "It's Elise,  Yumeno , not Elisabeth."  

Yumeno looked hurt at the harshness and nodded. He held out his doll and smiled, "Do you like it?"   

Elise looked down at it and back up at him. "Not really."  

He sighed, "No one does." Yumeno sat next to Elise and said, "I'm so glad there's another kid in here. It's so borrinngggg listening to those oldies talk. Hey, how old do you think that man over there is?"  

Yumeno pointed and Elise followed his gaze. Her heart skipped and she covered her face.   

Yumeno looked at Elise and back at the man, "What? That's Fyodor Dostoevsky, you met him?"   

Elise looked up and shook her head, sitting normally again. Yumeno broke into a grin and grabbed her hand and started pulling her somewhere.   

Elise screamed and pulled away. Yumeno looked terrified and looked and turned to the nurse looking at them and the patients annoyed. "I didn't do anything!"   

Elise stopped screaming composed herself. She walked over to Yumeno, "Where do you wish to go?"   

Yumeno broke into a grin and gestured for Elise to follow. He led her over to a table filled with crayons and paper, and sat down.   

Elise looked at the boy drawing and finally smiled.  

Maybe things would be okay.  

She took a seat next to the boy, and stared to draw.  




 

Everything in this facility was boring to me. Everyone was so much older than me, the meds were disgusting, my hallucinations taunted me, and I never made friends.  

Then.   

One day, a boring, cold December day, a girl was led into the room I'd had alone for so long.   

I looked at that girl. She had short yellowy blonde hair that looked like it was messily cut with scissors, barely visible due to many bandages. Her arms were covered with bandages, like the brown haired boy, and she wore the hospital gowns the facility offered, which no one did.  

I was intrigued with this girl.  

I saw in the rare moments I got to see her while she was awake that she had blue eyes. She never left our room, she slept almost all day.  

Then, one day, during free time/arts and crafts, she came out with a nurse.   

The nurse introduced her as 'Elisabeth Ogai'. I noticed she looked terrified of Mister Dostoevsky, which interested me.  

I decided I'd question her about her fear of Mister Dostoevsky. For now, I'd introduce myself.   

We're drawing now. She seemed very annoyed with being called Elisabeth, and insisted on Elise.  

Elise's fear of Mister Dostoevsky was clearly something I shouldn't press on anymore.  

She  screamed  like she was being stabbed when I grabbed her hand, so I have to remember to not do that anymore.   

I was drawing me and Elise, when I decided to look at what she was drawing. She was drawing a man holding a glass bottle up.  

I looked at the man, and then to Mister Dostoevsky. Was she drawing  him  

I tapped my finger over Elise's picture, making her look up.   

"Why are you drawing Mister Dostoevsky with a bottle?"  

Elise looked me up and down and looked around before saying softly,  

"This is my adoptive father, Mori. He hurt me often. Before I came here, he crushed a glass bottle over my head, nearly killing me. I ended up here for therapy for PTSD, and they ended up discovering my suicide attempts."   

I was stunned into silence. This poor girl...  

She whispered, "Dostoevsky looks much like Mori, it scares me."  

I realized why she was so afraid of Mister Dostoevsky and it hurt me.   

I wrapped my arms around her, being careful of the cuts on her arm.   

She hugged back, tight.  

I think Elise and I will be friends for a long time.  

Notes:

this is like, short, and terrible
it was written at like 1am so shush

Chapter 3: Thank God it's Christmas

Summary:

TImeskip a week maybe? Elise has been getting along well with everyone ^^ (especially yumeno)
its Christmas eve
Elise has never experienced a happy christmas due to living in several orphanages and then an abusive adoptive father
how will it be different here at the institution?

Elise's diary

Chapter Text

December 24th, 2010.   

   

Hi. Elise here. Miss Yosano and Q gave me this journal and said it's called a diary. I think it's cool. They gave it to me yesterday as an 'early Christmas gift'.   

I didn't know what Christmas was at first, but I'm starting to understand now. It's a holiday where you get together with your loved ones and celebrate together.  

I don't know what you celebrate but it sounds nice. They said you celebrate with pretty lights, decorations. chocolate, candies, gifts, and more.   

They set up a big Christmas tree and let us make things called Ornaments to decorate it. Miss Yosano also added pretty colourful lights.   

She said tomorrow morning there would be presents underneath. The whole facility is very decorated. I sometimes find myself admiring it all, it's so pretty.  

She said fireplaces were unsafe, but she hung up 10 big sock looking things, and said they were called 'stockings'. Miss Yosano told us there would be treats inside these tomorrow.  

I wonder what kind, I like sweets.  

The patients here are mostly older. It's weird.  

The angry man with black and white hair shouts a lot, but the white haired boy seems to be a good comfort. I think their names are Ryuunosuke and Atsushi.  

The ginger is crying often, staring into nothingness. The brown haired boy is often seen crying too, he and the ginger hug eachother and whisper together. I believe they are Chuuya and Dazai.  

There is a boy with long white hair, who seems attached to 'Mister Dostoevsky'. I don't think Dostoevsky likes the white haired man much, but I see them together often.  

The boys hair is sort of wavy, like he used to have it braided often. I think his name is Nikolai. I still don't know Dostoevsky's first name.    

I wonder how Yumeno felt before I came here. Did he feel even more alone than I do?  

People scream here often in the nights, they cry, and sleeping is hard. Sometimes when it gets too loud, and I cross the room to Q.  

He offers comfort, and sometimes we sit together all night.  

I'm running out of time to keep writing, it's almost time for meds and then sleeping.   

Everyone's jittery and excited, they all know what Christmas is like.  

Dazai, the brown haired boy, has been here many times, getting sent back again and again, seems excited too.   

He says Christmas's aren't disappointing here.   

Okay, I have to go now.  

Goodbye Diary,   

Elise!  

 

 

 

I woke up at 3:00am and looked over. Yumeno was awake, staring at the wall.   

I stood up and went over and sat next to him. He looked at me, startled.  

"Why are you awake, Eli?"   

"Woke up randomly. You okay?"  

Yumeno nodded and stared at the ground.  

"Hey Kyusaku?"   

He looked at me, "Yeah?"  

"What's Dostoevsky's first name?"   

He stared at me for awhile before speaking, "I told you on your first day here." I looked back at him, "Really?" "Yeah. It's Fyodor. Fyodor Dostoevsky. He's Russian."  

I nodded and stood up, "I'm going back to bed."  

Yumeno nodded and curled up under his own blankets.  

I fell asleep fast.   

   

   

December 25th, 2010  

   

Hi diary. I'm tired, I didn't sleep well last night, and now it's 11pm.   

I was told to sleep awhile ago, but I can't.  

I overheard Miss Yosano talking to another nurse about putting me on sleep medication, that I have bad sleeping habits.  

That should be good, but I'm worried.  

Who will help Kyusaku when he has severe hallucinations?  

He keeps quiet about them, he want's to be seen as someone who can   

That's not the point. Today was Christmas.  

It was fun. I got  a pretty red dress from the nurses, a bow from Yumeno, and a pack of stickers from Atsushi, the white haired boy.   

The stockings were stuffed with chocolates and pretty little ribbons.   

Everyone liked their stuff, except Fyodor.   

After we had all opened everything, we all had hot chocolate that was more like warm chocolate, mashed potatoes and gravy, and some pieces of chicken.   

Everyone had a fun time, except Fyodor. Again.  

He threw his warm chocolate over Nikolai's head, and starting screaming.   

Nikolai cried loudly and was taken to the shower room to clean up.  

Fyodor was quickly taken away from the rest of us, and we all continued our day.  

It was like a normal day, but extra chocolate and fun stuff.  

At the end of the day, at 7pm, we were given our cups with our pills.  

The cups had pretty ribbons on them.  

We were sent to our rooms afterwards, and our chocolates were set aside to be had tomorrow.  

I put stickers on this journal! I tried on the dress and bow, and felt normal again.  

I want to have long hair again, to wear this bow. I think I'll look pretty.   

I think I'll help Yumeno, then sleep.  

Goodnight, diary!  

Chapter 4: Kyuusaku Yumeno

Summary:

I'm not sorry

Chapter Text

Diary entry; no date written  

   

I love you, Elisabeth.  

   

I woke up, tired. I didn't even look to Kyusaku before grabbing my diary to write in it.  

I flipped through and opened to a page.  

I noticed that the page on the left had a very short entry. Which was weird. I don't remember writing something short.  

I looked at it. ' I love you, Elisabeth.  

The fuck?? Everyone here knows my name is  ELISE  

I jumped up angrily to go tell Kyusaku about this so he could maybe help me find who invaded my journal.  

I barely even thought about the rest of the message as I stormed over and yanked Yumeno's covers off.   

I screamed loudly, leading to Miss Yosano running in.   

"Elise, why are you yelling?"   

I pointed at Yumeno. Miss Yosano walked over and looked down, a terrified gasp leaving her lips.   

Yumeno was lying there, a blue foam dripping from his mouth.   

His eyes were opened and staring up, not blinking.  

Miss Yosano was already alerting the other nurses.  

Yumeno..  

I realized as the nurses were carrying his body out it was  him  who wrote that he loved me.  

I fell down when the realization hit me.  

Yumeno is probably gone.   

I was crying, I was screaming, I was doing what I found annoying earlier.  

I heard others feel brave enough to start screaming and cry, and this just made mad along with the sadness.  

How  dare  they cry with me? Their best friend isn't dead.  

I felt myself cry harder and harder, until all went dark.  

I remember thinking as I realized I was losing consciousness,  I hope I don't wake up again.  




I woke up in the infirmary. Doc Morris told me I was panicking and fainted.  

I asked about Yumeno and received, "We can't share information about other patients."  

I was taken back to the rest of the patients about an hour after waking up.   

They were eating dinner, I'd been out for nearly a day.  

I sat at the table and was given a bowl of cardboardy cold Mac and cheese with a cup of water. I scraped the food in my mouth, before realizing I was being stared at.  

"What?" I finally said, getting annoyed. Fyodor gave me this grin and said,  

"What was all that screaming last night.  It's not like anyone  died ."   

His eyes twinkled with that knowing grin on his face and I just stared at him.  

I grabbed my cup of water and flung it over Fyodor. He angrily ran across the table and punched me clean in the mouth.  

I could hear a shattering and felt something dripping off my chin. My world was darkening again.   

I heard the other patients muttering together, Chuuya starting to scream loudly, "Chibi,,", and a nurse came in.  

I couldn't tell who she was but the last thing I saw before blanking was the nurse pulling Fyodor away.  

Then.   

Darkness.  

   

In that world of darkness, I could hear the sounds of nurses, squeaking of shoes, and sometimes, crying.  

Then. I saw him  

Yumeno standing in the darkness. He walked up to me and gave me this smile.   

He held out his doll and I remembered the day we met.   

"Do you like it?" I'd said no  

Yes I thought, I love it  

The world undarkened with a start.  

I was in that stupid infirmary again. Miss Yosano was there, and smiled.  

She walked over and said, "I have good news, Elisabeth."  

I looked up. "Hm?"  

'Yumeno woke up."    

 




 

I woke up in a bed. I saw red at first, but slowly, my vision became normal.   

I wasn't sure where I was, nothing felt normal.  

I didn't remember anything about myself or this world, until they told me Elisabeth was coming.   

That's when I gathered strength and hissed, "It's  Elise ."   

The nurse stared and then continued typing on a computer.  

Assholes.  

Why can't people respect her name.   

You did it in your note,  My brain was thinking, but I shook my mind clear of that.  

You invaded her notebook.  

Why can't my brain just shut up for a few minutes.   

They brought her in. Elise.   

Her hair looked,, well, it looked like they'd cut it a little bit better.  

She had on the dress she was given, and looked relieved to see my eyes open.   

I pushed my body up and looked into her deep blue eyes.   

"Elise. I'm sorry I wrote the wrong na-" She interrupted my apology by rushing towards me and pulling me into a hug.   

"Kyuusaku, you're okay. I'm so, so,  so glad to see you alive."  

What..?  

I didn't think she'd care at all.   

I hugged her back, hoping I'd never have to let go.   

We held each other for a long time, before she stepped back and sat in the chair next to the hospital bed.   

Elise smiled, and in that moment I realized how much I truly cared for her.   

"You.. you changed your hair."  

Instantly, I regretted the sentence.   

Surely she thinks you hate her for changing. Stupid, stupid stupid.  

For once, I wish those voices would just shut up. She doesn't hate me. Right..?  

I hope not. Fyodor hates me. My parents hate me, if my only  friend hated me too..  

"Uhmm earth to Kyuusaku?" A hand waved over my face.   

I looked at Elise, "Huh?"  

"Yumeno, you just started staring off into the distance like your life was ending."  

"Oh. Sorry Eli. I was thinking. What were you saying?"  

She smiled, "Me and Miss Yosano had my hair cut into a more stylish way. The old hair was cut in a weird way so they could stitch up my head."  

I nodded and leaned back and started a sentence, but Elise spoke first.  

"What happened? I found you half dead." Her eyes had tears in them.   

I thought back.  

I barely remember, my mind is stopping me from remembering.   

I remember I wanted to take a walk, I couldn't  

I do remember a white haired boy and a black haired boy shoving me into a closet I thought was locked.   

I remember finding the meds we were given in there.  

I remember the hallucinations, the voices, were getting louder and more scary.  

I remember gathering as many pills as I could and hiding them in the head of my doll.   

I remember hiding under my bed as I ate them.  

I remember the world spinning, the voices screaming.  

I remember no details, except that I wrote ' I love you, Elisabeth'  in her notebook, and I regretted it fast.  

"I don't remember."  

Elise sighed and took my hand. "I get it, Kyuusaku."  

I broke into tears at that, and she pulled me into a hug again.  

She hugged and hugged me, whispering to me, making me feel wanted after so many years of struggle.  

I hope to never lose lost Elise.  

I know what I needed to do.  

"The Russian boys."   

Elise pulled back a bit and tilted her head, the way she does when she's confused.  

"The Russian boys there. They did it."  

Not entirely true, but I knew if they knew I did it on purpose, I'd stay even longer.  

Elise's face clouded over, and she let go of me.  

I grabbed her hand, but she pulled away and ran.  

Elise..  

Chapter 5: Never be enough

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

I was sitting in the free time/arts room. Chuuya had been yelling too much and was taken out.  

Dazai started screaming after Chuuya was taken to his room and was removed to his room as well.  

Ryuunosuke was writing something, that other boy, Atsushi, watching him.  

I was sitting alone on a chair. Normally, I’d draw with Kyuusaku.  

I thought back to our old conversation.  

I was regretting running and leaving Q alone.  

I had reason to do it. The reason I was in the infirmary anyway was because of Fyodor.  

I was still processing that he was attacked by them. At that moment, I heard a scream.  

I looked up. Nikolai, the white-haired Russian, was holding his cheek and crying.  

Fyodor was standing over him, his hand still curled into a fist.  

A nurse quickly came and separated them, but by then the whole place was in pieces;  

Chuuya was yelling, Dazai was crying and throwing things, Nikolai was crying harder, Fyodor had this laugh I was afraid of.  

I started yelling, my vision blurring. I leaped forward and just tore at his face, yelling Kyuusaku’s name, crying.  

A nurse pulled me away from him, I think, but looking at my hands and her white clothes covered with Fyodor’s blood, I got madder.  

I started screaming. I yelled for Kyuusaku, I yelled for my parents who left me, I yelled curses at for Mori, for Fyodor.  

The nurse’s grip on me loosened a tiny bit, and I used that.  

I pulled free and started running.  

 Down, Down, Down.  

I ran up the door and pushed it open.  
There. Kyuusaku. He sat there staring at a wall. 

He looked at me and a dark cloud covered his eyes.  

He looked at the blood on my hands and back at me, an unreadable emotion covering his face.  

A nurse appeared right behind me and grabbed me, pulling me away from Q.  

“Kyuusaku, I’ll kill him. I’ll get rid of Fyodor. I swear.”  

They yanked me free before I got to see Yumeno’s reaction.  



Kyuusaku's POV



 

I was sitting in my bed. The curtains were shut, making the room dark.  

I could hear muffled screaming and crying from downstairs where the wards stay.  

I ignored it and continued staring forward. Why did Elise leave so.. Fast?  

What did I do? I wonder if.. I wonder if it was the Russian part.  

Does she believe me?  

I suddenly heard pattering coming right for my door.  

When I looked at the swung open door, there she was.  

Elise.  

I remembered how she’d left me. Why?  

And why’s she back now?  

I looked at her hands and clothes, the new dress, covered. Covered in blood.  

I looked back up and she was staring back.  

Right in that moment, a nurse was behind her and pulling her out.  

She didn’t even try to fight it.  

But it was the words she yelled as she was being taken away.  

She was.. Attacking Fyodor?  

That’s his blood?  

She did that.. For me?  



Elise's POV



 

I was taken to an empty room, a different one than usual.  

I was given pills and told to go to sleep.  

I couldn’t sleep.  

Did Kyuusaku even care what I did for him.  

The blood all over me suddenly felt much heavier.  

Fuck Kyuusaku.  

If he cared, he would’ve said something.  

Notes:

this was bad but uh yea

Chapter 6: Come back, come back

Chapter Text

I was finally let out of the room I’d been in.  

It was night when they brought me back to the room I’d slept in before.  

I looked around before looking at the nurse, “Where is Elise?”  

The nurse gave me a slight smile. “Elisabeth was a harm to others.”  

I looked up right into her face and hissed out, “Where. Is. Elise.”  

“I legally can’t say, Kyuusaku.”  

The nurse walked away, leaving me in our empty room.  

I want to see Elise again.  

I woke up that morning, hoping to see Elise staring out the window.  

Nothing. An empty room, the only sign another stayed here was a notebook on the bed.  

The pen, her bow, her scrubs.  

I went to Group.  

Everyone was sitting in a circle.  

Mister Dostoevsky was there, his usual Ushanka gone, he wore the scrubs now, and his face had lots of bandages.  

He looked kind of like Dazai now.  

He looked up right at me when I walked into that room and smiled.  

A wicked, horrible grin. I could see several of his teeth missing.  

I looked around at the table. Things seemed weird now.  

Dazai and Chuuya were right next to each other, as usual, but Dazai looked like he was gonna break down any second, and Chuuya wouldn’t stop gripping Dazai’s arm.  

Ryuunosuke was gone, Atsushi looked like he spent more of his time crying than breathing. Where is Ryuunosuke?  

Nikolai was sitting next to Atushi instead of Mister Dostoevsky, and he seemed terrified of everything.  

A new boy was there. He had glasses on, and had short brown hair.  

He was chatting to no one about how boring it was here and how hungry he was.  

I hissed before sitting down, “Shut up already.”  

He shut up.  

Group was boring. I zoned out, and it was just a talk group today.  

I missed Elise.  

I felt like a zombie as we moved to the free time/arts room.  

The nurse then introduced the boy, Edo something Ranpo.  

Ranpo yelled how no one understood him that night, and I wished Elise was here.  

If Elise were here, she’d cross the room and hug me, saying how loud Ranpo was.  

I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt the tears.  

Warm tears sliding down my face as I longed for Elise.  

I stood up and crossed the room, still crying.  

I grabbed Elise’s pen and the notebook. I opened to a random page.  

I brushed back my tears and began to draw her. I enjoyed it alot.  

I stood up once I finished and set the book and pen away.  

I drifted to sleep, thinking about when she would return.  

A week past. We were sitting in the free time room, most of us drawing.  

A new boy had arrived. He hadn’t been introduced, he just arrived.  

No one knew his name.  

He didn’t talk to anyone. He came in with five big notebooks. He’s always writing in them.  

Like right now, he was writing. He looked up and noticed me staring.  

He gave me this death stare and then stood up.  

I watched as he walked right up to me, leaned close, and whispered “Elisabeth will never be the same for you.”  

He walked away.  

He didn’t look at me again, just kept moving that pencil around.  

I went back to drawing peacefully when a crumpled piece of notebook paper hit me.  

I looked up and saw the boy staring right at me.  

I picked up the paper and unfolded it.  

It was a sketch of an angry Elise and the words You made her hate it all.  

I looked up at the boy and hissed, “Who do you think you are?”  

He said nothing, continued writing, but I saw that smirk.  

Then, the door opened and a nurse walked in.  

She smile and said, “Elisabeth has returned.”  

Elise walked in, and looked right at me, eyes filled with hatred.  

I know my eyes widened. I felt it.  

I looked back at the new boy and saw him do a little wave to Elise.  

She smiled and walked and sat next to him.  

That night, she came into our room and Ranpo was already crying and yelling.  

Thirty minutes past before I whispered, “You can come over here if you want.”  

It took so long for her to answer, I thought she didn’t hear.  

Elise pulled her blanket over her head and said, “Quit pretending asshole.”  

I was quiet.  

Elise, Elise.  

Elise are you okay?, I say, but only in my head.  

Chapter 7: Ayumu

Chapter Text

It had been six days. Everytime I woke up, Elise was writing and smiling to herself. She’d see me and stop smiling.  

She’d sit with that newer boy everywhere, and would write with him.  

On one particular day, while Elise was writing before bed, she stormed over to my side of the room and shoved her book in my face.  

“DID YOU DRAW THIS??” She’d hissed out, the picture being what I drew when she was away.  

I moved it away and stared up into her eyes, “I missed you. I still miss you, Elise.”  

She stared at me, something flicking through her eyes. I couldn’t tell what, but it was gone fast.  

She rolled her eyes, and grabbed me and said harshly, “It’s Elisabeth, Yumeno.”  

I looked up at her. Elise usually called me Kyuusaku, but that wasn’t what mattered.  

Elisabeth? She hates that name. I just said, “Let go of me then, Elisabeth.”  

She did that, letting me fall onto my bed as she walked to hers. Once she’d set her stuff away and tied up her growing hair, she looked back.  

“You and I both know missing me is a load of bullshit.”  

And she was asleep.  

I stared at her, and at her notebook. I tiptoed to where the book was, and grabbed it.  

I opened it, reading the latest entry.  

 

Ayumu snuck pills for me. He told me they’d help my longing. They’ve been helping. I haven’t been able to write very much lately, it’s been busy. I write little things for Ayumu sometimes. He likes them. The other day at night he came into my room and silently did something my father threatened sometimes. I don’t know if it’s the pills he gave me, but I didn’t push him off. Ayumu left the room whispering that no one can know, grinning. I don’t think this book counts as a person, but it feels nice to write it down. I should go.  

 

I cursed a bit, forgetting how light a sleeper Elise is.  

She woke up and saw me holding her notebook. She pushed her covers off, but I dropped the book and backed into the wall.  

Dumb move. Elise rushed up and shoved me down. Her hands wrapped around my throat, and she squeezed tight.  

I was gasping and pushing, but her hands tightened. “Why did you read through that.”  

I looked up into her eyes, my vision starting to blur. “I.. worried.”  

Elise let go and stood up. “This is dumb.” She walked back to her bed and slept.  

I didn’t sleep the rest of the night.  

I went to Group that morning looking like shit. Elise was already there, whispering to that boy, Ayumu.  

I walked in and he looked right at me and grinned. I looked at where that annoying boy, Ranpo was.  

He was sat with another new boy. Introduced himself as Edgar Allan Poe.  

Atsushi sat next to Dazai, who sat next to Chuuya. Dazai had Chuuya leaning against him while wrapping his arm around his shoulders.  

He was using his other to do hand motions while talking to Atsushi.  

Fyodor sat between Miss Yosano and Ayumu. Nikolai was sitting on the other side of Elise, with the only empty seat next to him.  

I went over and sat down. Elise gave me this look before looking up at Miss Yosano who had started the discussion.  

We finished and went to free time/arts. Ayumu took Elise by the hand and they went into the bathroom.  

I overheard them speaking to Miss Yosano that Elise is afraid to go to the bathroom alone.  

They used the name Elisabeth. I rolled my eyes and kept drawing a razor blade.  

The door opened a bit later and Elise walked out with her bangs over her face.  

She absentmindedly sat next to me, before Ayumu grabbed her and pulled her to a different table.  

At 3:00am that night, I woke up and went to the bathroom. I opened the door and saw Elise on the ground crying muffled into her hands.  

I sat next to her, a silent way of saying I was here. She threw her arms around me and started to cry harder.  

I hugged her and let her cry, holding her close till I heard the crying slow and soon go away. I sat her up and asked her, “What’s wrong?”  

She leaned into my arms and whispered, “Ayumu is doing what my adoptive father threated to do to me.”  

I hugged her and asked her what that was. She hugged back and said nothing for awhile.  

Finally, she stood up and whispered, “Ayumu tells me it is a secret.”  

She was back in her bed and asleep before I could answer. I woke up the next day earlier than usual. Elise was still asleep.  

I rubbed my eyes, and that was when I noticed the figure in the doorway. I ignored it, figuring I was imagining it.  

But that figure walked up to my bed and said something which scared me.  
“Your Elise is gone. Elisabeth came back.” 

Then he smacked me. Hard. It went dark.  

I opened my eyes a few hours later, in my bed, Elise gone. I sighed and got up.  

Went to the bathroom. Showered. Brushed my teeth. Changed.  

Grabbed my doll, went to Group. Elise was sitting between Mister Dostoevsky and Ayumu.  

Ayumu looked right at me and smiled. Mister Dostoevsky just whispered something to Elise.  

I sat down. Elise looked up at me when I did and our eyes locked for a few seconds.  

Her eyes were dead and empty.  

It’s only gonna get worse, isn’t it?  

 

Chapter 8: A million dreams is all its gonna take {DIARY ENTRY}

Notes:

I realized drugs rnt very realistic for a mh oops
sry its so short I've just been busy

Chapter Text

I can’t think straight anymore. Ayumu said he was saving me. Fyodor says he was protecting me. He says Kyuusaku is bad, that they will help me. I listen and do what they want. In reality, I’m broken. I don’t like the taste of the pills, but I can’t stop. I don’t know what it is. Nights haunt me. I’ve begun to see shadows and visions. I always feel sick nowadays. Something is wrong. I left the facility a few days ago, but I took my journal. Ayumu left shortly after me, Fyodor is still there. I haven’t seen anyone else, but I can’t remember much of them anyway. Everyday its pills, Ayumu, threats, and more pills. Ayumu has me live with him. If I ever ask about Kyuusaku, the pill dosage rises. I don’t know how to get out. Each pill makes me want to stay here. I feel if I continue with this I’ll never leave. I miss Kyuusaku, but more pills is more forgetting. I look forward to it often. He smiles, Ayumu smiles. Sometimes he pulls me into a hidden room and does what he used to do. I hate him but the pills make me love him. It’s so confusing. I shouldn’t feel so confused. But then again, there’s nothing wrong with it. Ayumu says its okay and right and why would he lie to me? He promises when Mister Dostoevsky I stop writing.

Mister Dostoevsky?

No, no, it’s Fyodor.

Mister Dostoevsky was what-

Shit. Shit shit shit.

I close the book and leave the room.

I find my way to the pills and sneak one. Slowly, slowly, all disappears.

I go to my book and cross out the last sentence, then I close the book and slide it in between my bed frame and mattress.  

I need to sleep.

Chapter 9: All stay strong

Notes:

hii! please don't romanticize nikolai and Elise bonding over trauma, thanks

Chapter Text

TIME SKIP THREE MONTHS  

   

I'd found Ayumu's stash again. I took a bottle of vodka, hid it in my room, snuck to his room.   

I took a pill bottle and slipped out. Ayumu was sick for a few days. I'd realized in the debths of being fucked up from withdrawals, it was the pills.  

I couldn't escape, not now. I hid in the bathroom that night. I looked in the mirror and instead of seeing me, I saw what Ayumu and Fyodor wanted.   

Fyodor had come back to us. I had been completely isolated from the world from that day on.   

They'd shaped me with the drugs. I always listened. But not for any longer.   

I grabbed the scissors from the kitchen and cut off all my hair. I could see the scars on my head from when Mori slammed that bottle over me.  

And everything, every single thing, came back to me.  

 

I heard a scream. I turned to where it came from, the bathtub. I saw Nikolai hunched there, tears streaming.  

I turned and saw Mori sitting on the toilet staring downward. I took a step backwards, and he looked up.  

The Mori who is not Mori looked right at me and gave a genuine smile. He held his hand out.  

I grabbed it, ignoring the screams in my head. The world darkened, all I saw was Mori in front of me, and felt the hand.  

Mori disappeared. Right in front of me in that dark empty world was Kyuusaku. I felt myself start crying.  

I reached for his hand, but unlike Mori, my hand fell right through him.  

Kyuusaku that wasn’t there smiled and turned around. I tried to yell and grab him, but my body was frozen.  

He walked away into that empty world, leaving me there. I screamed, and stopped remembering anything.  

 

I remember being in a basement, I remember the glare of Ayumu, the slaps of Fyodor, and the feeling of pills being shoved down my mouth.  

Nothing else, beyond my dreams. I dreamt of Mori and Kyuusaku and remembered Miss Yosano.  

I remembered my notebook, I remembered the warm sheets of that facility, I remembered little bits.  

Then, while I lay helpless and dying in the darkness of that basement, I saw a glow of light.  

I saw Kyuusaku walk towards me and kneel next to my crumpled body. He whispered something. I looked up, and he spoke it clearly.  

“How did you end up here, Elisabeth?”  

And he was gone. That night, Ayumu came down and shoved several pills into my body, and used me.  

Once he was gone, I crept up the stairs, my body broken and weak, but I wouldn’t dare stop. The moment I made it to the top I ran.  

I ran right for the door and burst out and screamed. I screamed the word, “help”, over and over, loud as I could. I didn’t try to run, because Fyodor was already right behind me, pulling me inside and slamming my body down the stairs to the basement.  

But I knew. I saw several people calling authorities. Ayumu came down and slapped me so much, I was bleeding down there.  

He screamed that I was worthless, he tugged at my remaining hair, shoving pills down my mouth, swearing I’d regret this.  

All the pills were hurting me. I found my vision blurring.  
Then. 
It happened.  

Fyodor stormed down that staircase and crushed several plates on my body. As my blood seeped into the ground, I saw Mori in Mister Dostoevsky. I screamed and screamed until my body felt dead, and my vision went away.  

 

I woke up inside an unfamiliar hospital. I didn’t know how I ended up there, but I didn’t care. I was safe from Mori and Ayumu.  

I didn’t even think in that moment that it was Fyodor, not Mori.  

 

I remember the food, most people would’ve complained but I was grateful. Mori and Ayumu never fed me such things.  

I remember sleeping so much. And I remember nothing else from that place.  

Just. Darkness. My first memory was looking up from the floor and seeing a familiar room, with familiar people.  

I heard Miss Yosano introduce me again. I looked around, I saw Nikolai(?) smiling slightly, I saw two people hunched close together waving, I saw Ryuunosuke again, holding that boy Atsushi’s hands like he was dying. I realized later he kind of was. I saw Chuuya and Dazai on the floor, Chuuya leaning onto Dazai and holding his arm, Dazai having his arm around Chuuya. I saw a nurse in the corner smiling warmly at me, and then I saw him. Sitting where we liked to draw. Kyuusaku. Looking at me.  

Miss Yosano asked if I’d like to sit down somewhere, and I moved over to Kyuusaku and sat down. As everyone gathered back into their conversations, I picked up a crayon and started carefully scribbling. Kyuusaku muttered a single sentence while I did.  

“I’m so fucking glad you’re alive.”  

 

I remember afterwards, I was taken to a room. It was a new room with beds. But not to share with Kyuusaku. I looked around and saw the much older Nikolai sitting on his bed, fiddling with stuffed elephant. He looked up when I walked in.  

He gave this smile, an understanding one. I looked at Miss Yosano and she put a hand on my shoulder.  

“I understand if you want to sleep with Yumeno again. But for now, we’re rooming you with another victim of Dostoevsky, we think it might help you if you have a panic attack.”  

I felt my body shake a bit at the name, and I’m very sure Nikolai shook as well. I didn’t look at him, just moved to my bed.  

I closed my eyes and didn’t wake up for awhile. When I finally woke, Nikolai was in bed, snoring away. His white hair fanned out on his pillow.  

He seems like a nice person. Maybe I’ll talk to him someday. Maybe. I stood up and starting pacing the halls. I passed every room, every sleeping person, until I reached Kyuusakus room. I stopped and looked in.  

Kyuusaku was sat on the floor, sketching in a notebook I didn’t know he had. He looked up, saw me, and went back to drawing. I planned to walk in and say hello, but Miss Yosano appeared from the hallway and told me to go back to my room.  

I went back and slept again, hoping to wake up at a normal hour.  

I did, waking up in time for breakfast. I stood up and pulled a pair of scrubs on, combing my hair, brushing my teeth, and hoping. I didn’t put a bow on, but left and saw Nikolai dressed in black pants and a black hoodie. His wavy, long, slightly tangled white hair was falling over his shoulders. I tapped his shoulder and he looked up and took a breath.  

“Can I borrow your comb?”  

I didn’t expect that. “A-.. My comb? Sure..”  

He smiled and grabbed it, pulling something out of the hoodies hood. He came out of the bathroom a bit later and set the comb down.  

Nikolai had braided his hair. He turned to me and whispered something about Fyodor disliking his hair braided.  

Nikolai mentioned Fyodor wanted it short but that he couldn’t bring himself to cut it.  

“I’m assuming he wanted you.. With long hair. A-and that is probably why you have it so messily cut.”  

I looked at the man in front of me and nodded.  

“Nikolai, you’re brave. We’ll get through this, together.”  

He smiled and nodded. “And it isn’t our fault. It’s his .”  

I nodded and threw my arms around him. He tensed for a moment before hugging back.  

We went to the food area together.  

Chapter Text

hi everyone! so unfortunately I cant think of anything for the next chapter so please be patient I will post soon!!

also:
I start school August 25th and updates will be slower
I'm gonna write OneShots for now so yep !

have a good one !!!!!!!!!!!