Chapter Text
Cycling across Paris in the beautiful spring weather would now be added as one of Danielle’s lifelong favourite memories. It was definitely helped by the fact that she was accompanied by one of the most beautiful women in the world, in her humble opinion. Watching Minji navigate and lead them across the city, whilst constantly checking that Dani was alright, as they passed stunning architecture and bustling streets made her heart swell, feeling truly happy for the first time in a long while.
When they finally stopped around the corner from the Shakespeare and Company bookshop, Dani was breathless from the experience, her hair a complete mess as unlike the ever-organised Minji, whose hair was neatly tied back, it had not even remotely crossed her mind to bring a hair tie with her. Minji guffawed loudly when she spotted the windswept state Dani was in, her laughter ringing out across the street.
“You look amazing ,” she said, still grinning, as Dani desperately tried to finger-comb her hair into some semblance of decency.
“Shut up, will you?” Dani was sulking about her own lack of pre-thought, but how was she supposed to know that they were going to be whizzing about town? “Not everyone is as rigid and insanely over-the-top anal as you when it comes to these things.”
It was supposed to be a light-hearted comment, but Minji’s laughter cut off instantly as a flash of hurt crossed her face. Dani immediately felt bad and took a step towards her older friend.
“Hey, Min, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that,” she said, putting a hand on Minji’s shoulder to let her know that she was being genuine.
“It’s okay, D, I know you didn’t mean any harm,” Minji said, but her sad smile betrayed her true feelings and Danielle knew that she had wounded her. She internally kicked herself as Minji turned away and took out her phone to lock the bike, prompting her to do the same.
There was already a long queue outside the bookstore and without another word to Dani, Minji crossed the road to join it. Dani ran after her and stood awkwardly by her side, this time allowing Minji to spin her ring as she needed, wondering instead how she could fix her mistake. She didn’t want to ruin an experience that Minji had been looking forward to, especially as her friend had made such an effort to make sure she was getting to do the things that she wanted to and was well looked after too.
“So, why is this bookshop so special?” she asked quietly, wanting to prove that she cared about Minji’s interests. “I’ve never heard of it before. Tell me about it.”
Minji’s eyes widened in appreciation and before she knew what was happening, Dani found herself in the middle of a history lesson about the store, as they inched closer to its entrance. She didn’t really care about the fact that it was an iteration of the original bookshop, nor which esteemed authors had been there before, but she found herself completely engrossed in Minji’s passionate oration, content to just listen. In all honesty, Dani could listen to Minji talk for hours, not just because her knowledge on all sorts of random and obscure subjects was extensive, but because her deep voice was so soothing to listen to. She could listen to her read an Australian telephone book from the 1980s and still find her sexy as hell.
“Dani?”
Danielle blinked back to the present moment, realising that her mind had drifted off to things that she was supposed to be resisting.
“I was listening, I swear,” she said, panicking that she’d ruined her redemption moment. To her relief, Minji just laughed softly.
“I believe you, D, but it’s okay if you got bored. I know that I can ramble on sometimes.”
“I like listening to you ramble,” Dani said, honestly. “You’re the smartest person that I know and that is deeply…”
She left the sentence hanging in the air, not quite ready to finish it.
“Deeply what?” Minji asked, oblivious to the conflict going on in Dani’s mind, but Dani just smiled coyly back at her.
“Nothing. Look we’re almost in,” Dani said, linking her arm through Minji’s and pulling her forward, noting the excitement on Minji’s face. “Wait…have you never been here before?”
“Oh I have, at least four times,” Minji stated. “But it’s still so fun every single time.”
“Four times?!” Dani exclaimed. “It’s a bookstore. It can’t possibly be that amazing.”
“You’ll see,” Minji said, knowingly. She was convinced that Dani would see the same charm that she did, even if not in all the same ways…and she was correct in that assumption. As they were allowed to enter, Minji watched as Danielle’s eyes grew and her mouth fell open when she looked around the quaint bookstore.
“Wow, it’s so…”
“I know,” Minji filled in, pulling the younger girl, who was now blocking the way, through the shop. “Come on, let’s go and look around.”
For the next hour, the two of them browsed the shelves in each section of the store, perusing the spines of old and new titles alike, Dani gradually falling in love with the place as much as Minji had. Minji had been caught up looking for a specific work by Kierkegaard and went in search of Dani, her arms laden with a pile of books.
When she reached the top step of the narrow staircase to the second floor, she stopped as Danielle came into her line of sight. Sitting in the chair by the window, she was reading, once again bathed in golden light streaming in from the outside, bringing out the reddish-brown in her hair. Minji stared at the younger girl and the proverbial winged creatures fluttered in her stomach as she read the title of the book that she was holding- “Much Ado about Nothing”.
As the timpani roll in her chest accelerated again, it was, this time, accompanied by a full orchestra, the strings swelling with frantically rising arpeggios, the French Horns crescendoing majestically into the foreground and when Dani turned to her, smiling, and their eyes met, the cymbals crashed gloriously, just once, signifying the final demise of her denial.
She had feelings for Dani, very strong feelings and deep down, she had known it for years. Four years to be precise.
Huh…what the fuck was she supposed to do now?
Minji decided that first she had to stay calm and not panic, because panicking had never once provided a solution to a problem. She just needed time to think because she could fix this. Danielle didn’t need to know anything.
What if she already knows? Is that why she was acting the way that she was? To try to get a confession out of her?
“Excuse me, please,” a British tourist asked politely from behind her, interrupting her chain of thought and reminding Minji that she was blocking the top of the staircase.
“Oh, sorry,” she said, moving out of the way and dropping several of the books in her hand. She scrambled to pick them up without dropping any more and made her way towards Dani, who was laughing at her inability to act like a normal person. She’d have to figure this out later because her feet had taken her directly to the apparent object of her affection and she was now standing in front of her, looking awkward.
“Sit down, will you?” Dani said, looking at her as though she’d grown another head. “You’re being strange.”
Minji put her pile of books on the table between the two chairs, and sat down. If there was anything that she knew she was good at, it was being a master of masking her true feelings. She was an idol, after all.
“How come you’re reading that?” she asked, gesturing towards the play in Dani’s hands. “Thought you hated Shakespeare.”
“Oh, I absolutely do,” Dani said, sincerely. “But as you’ve been reading it with such fervour, I just wanted to skim some parts to see if I could gauge why you love it so much.”
This simple notion was so endearing that Minji found herself about to confess everything that she had only just discovered about herself, struggling to keep her mouth closed and the intensifying orchestral notes contained within.
“What are you smiling about, you weirdo?” Dani said, unable to resist smiling back at Minji’s odd behaviour.
“Just…you,” Minji replied, the only words she could let out being a subconscious echo of the words Dani had said to her not even a couple of hours ago. They held their gaze for a while, before Danielle looked down, her cheeks pink and went back to her book.
Minji watched her a while longer before picking up one of the books in her pile and opening it, glancing at Danielle occasionally and catching her doing the same every now and then. It was like they were strangers, both looking away shyly whenever their eyes met. A new warmth spread across Minji’s heart, one that she had never felt before and accompanying it was a curiosity to know what that meant.
On the other side of the table, Danielle flicked through the pages of “Much Ado about Nothing”, but she hadn’t read a single sentence since Minji had appeared at the top of the stairs. Everything that had happened today, from the moment Minji had opened her eyes and looked at her, to the moment she saw that lovable dork drop her books and the melody she was humming had lengthened into a new section, only confirmed her suspicions from the day before:
She had fallen deeply for Minji…very hard and very fast.
Having walked to, and spent some time in the Notre-Dame, taking the obligatory pictures, the girls hopped back on their bikes and cycled across town to Montmartre, Minji taking them on a particularly scenic route. They still had lots of time in the day left for what they planned to do, so they stopped off at a market stall selling crêpes and had lunch.
Danielle was once again in heaven, savouring her food.
“I can’t believe we actually get to be here,” she said, her mouth full. “It’s like we’re actually on a proper holiday. I bet the others will be so jealous.”
“Of course they will,” Minji replied, eating the last of her plain cheese crêpe. “Hyein and Hanni are always complaining that they never get to see any of the cities that they have had to work in.”
“Yeah, and Haerin really doesn’t care as much. She’d prefer to stay in and sleep,” Dani laughed. Looking over at Minji’s plate, she shook her head. “I can’t believe that you ordered the most boring crêpe there is. Not a single bit of colour on your plate.”
“Why would I ruin a perfectly good crêpe by adding vegetables and stuff?” Minji asked, disgusted at the mere suggestion. “I’d only end up picking them out, so that would be a waste.”
“You’re so cute,” Dani giggled, as Minji looked up at her questioningly, her cheeks bulging like a chipmunk. “Are you almost done?”
Minji nodded as she swallowed down the last bites of her food, scraping the parts of the crêpe that had looked un-uniform further to the side and neatly placing her wooden knife and fork together in the centre of the paper plate, placing her napkins on top of the pile to hide it.
Danielle had probably seen Minji do this routine a thousand times over the last six years, but had no idea where it stemmed from. There were so many things that Minji did that beguiled her, but she felt that it was intrusive to ask such questions. Maybe, now that they were getting closer…
“Min, can I ask you something personal?” Dani finally said, cautiously. Minji eyed her nervously.
“Sure,” she replied, slowly.
“Why do you always take exactly nine napkins whenever you eat out?” Dani asked, deciding to play it safe and ask something that might not be as deep. Minji chuckled, but then stopped as she frowned.
“I…I don’t actually know,” she said, her thick brows knitted in confusion. “You know I don’t like even numbers, but…I don’t actually know why it’s so important that it’s exactly nine. How did you even know that, D? I don’t even think Haerin would know that and she’s always with me.”
“It was one of the things that I noticed right before I bought you that …” Dani said, tilting her head and expression towards the ring that Minji was now spinning. “I knew you always took a lot, but then I started to count them each time and realised it was the exact same number.”
“Well, Ms Marsh, it seems that you have been watching me rather closely,” Minji said seriously, leaning forward in her chair. “I’d better be careful around you.”
Something about Minji’s deep tone affected Danielle’s entire body, goosebumps rising on the skin of her bare arms.
“I think it’s probably me who needs to be careful around you ,” she responded, subconsciously also leaning forward in her chair.
“Why?” Minji asked, against her better judgement.
Dani pondered on whether she should answer the question honestly or avoid it. She decided on the former-what did she really have to lose?
“When I’m around you, I seem to get lost in a labyrinth of your making. I’m drawn in, despite trying to stay away and am then confronted with riddles and puzzles designed by a mastermind of Kantian proportions. You are the most fascinating and complex person that I’ve ever met.”
“It sounds as though you want to study me,” Minji said, tilting her head and allowing a touch of hurt to seep into her voice.
“Maybe I do, Min,” Dani whispered, letting her eyes trail slowly over Minji’s lips, her throat and down to her chest before flicking back up to meet her waiting eyes. “Maybe I want to study every last bit of you.”
Minji’s breath caught in her throat, unable to break the intense gaze that she was held in. She was almost certain now that Danielle was only saying these things to get her to confess how she felt, but that didn’t stop her from reacting strongly, a spark firing off and running around her body like a current. She was vaguely aware that the famous bells of the Basilica du Sacré-Cœur de Montmartre were ringing, signifying that it was now Midday, but Dani’s last sentence had pierced her eardrums, rendering her practically deaf to anything else going on around her.
Danielle could see that her words had had the desired effect and suddenly jumped out of her seat, startling the entranced older girl.
“Come on, show me where I can display my artistic skills,” she whined, pulling Minji out of her chair. “I want to get my art on.”
Minji was still dazed by their interaction as Dani dragged her around, cleaning their eating area. What in the name of fuck was going on? This was completely out of her wheelhouse and she did not know how to handle the emotions that were constantly threatening to spiral out of control.
What she did know was that Danielle made her feel something that no other person had managed, only coming close to it on the stage or badminton court:
Truly alive.
“Hang on…you know Kant?” Minji said, coming out of her thoughts.
“I’m not a complete troglodyte, you know,” Dani laughed, rolling her eyes. “You’re not the only one who reads.”
“But, still…Kant?” Minji said, in disbelief.
“Oh, for god’s sake, come on, will you?”
The sun was slowly starting its path west by the time that the two girls had pulled up their bikes close to the Eiffel Tower. After locking them again, they made their way over to the massive structure, chatting comfortably.
“What did you end up doodling on the wall?” Minji asked Dani as they waited in line to buy tickets. “I didn’t get to see yours.”
“Nothing much, just some silly cartoon,” Dani answered. “I didn’t get to see yours either, what did you do?”
“Just wrote down some lame quote,” Minji said, quietly.
“Of course you did,” Dani shook her head fondly, the waves in her hair rippling. She noticed Minji staring at the iron landmark with apprehension. “Hey, thank you for coming with me to do this. I know how much you hate heights.”
Minji just smiled tightly back, clearly trying to hide how anxious she really was about it. She had vowed to herself when she had gone up there the first time that she visited Paris, that she would never do it again, yet here she was.
“It’s fine, D, I wouldn’t want you to experience this by yourself,” she said, steeling her nerves. “But I am absolutely not taking the stairs-up or down. My legs nearly gave way when I decided to run all the way down last time.”
“Why the fuck would you run down?” Dani said incredulously. “That sounds very unsafe and not very like you at all.”
“Right?!” Minji laughed loudly at the memory. “My logic told me that the faster I got to the bottom, the better. Logical, sure, but not very smart.”
“Well you don’t have to worry, I have zero intention of taking the stairs,” Dani said, looping her arm through Minji’s and dragging her towards the lifts. “Now stop stalling. Look at the sky, we’ve come at the perfect time. It’s okay, I’ve got you.”
Dani was looking at her so assuredly that Minji relinquished her control and allowed the younger girl to guide her through her fear.
In theory, Danielle had always thought the Eiffel Tower was a little cliché, having been showcased in a thousand films, books and television series-just too obvious, but something that she had to do because she was here. However, as she stood on the summit platform, with the sunset creating splashes of gold, pink and orange across the Parisian skyline, she had to admit that reality had totally ruined the theory.
Truthfully, it was breathtaking.
The city sprawled beneath them like a Monet painting, the Seine weaving throughout, shimmering with the beauty of the reflected sky on its surface, whilst the many church and cathedral spires stabbed at the actual sky, making it appear as though the last of the streams of sunlight were bleeding from it. It was windy at the top of the landmark, the strong breeze gently whipping around Dani’s arms and legs and she should have felt colder, but she hardly noticed it because beside her, tightly gripping on to the railing, stood Minji.
Minji, who looked the most beautiful that Danielle had ever seen her, the light chill in the air bringing a fresh rosy tint to her face.
Minji, who hadn’t said a single word since they had arrived at the summit, her fear unable to be kept at bay.
Minji, who, at that moment, decided to silently reach for Danielle’s hand, her fingers trembling, either from fright or anticipation, possibly both. She kept her head straight, refusing to look at Dani as she interlaced their fingers, but the way that her thumb stroked the soft skin of the back of the shorter girl’s hand spoke louder than any words could have.
Dani’s heart twisted at the touch, resisting the urge to cry as her heart ripped open. She swallowed hard, her fingers tightening around Minji’s instinctively as she too kept her gaze fixed on the sunset in front of them, though all of her thoughts were consumed by the girl by her side.
The air between them was thick with everything that they weren’t saying, everything that they hadn’t said in four years since that kiss in the practice room. Four years of avoiding each other, of silence and stolen glances, of pretending it had never happened, or worse, that it hadn’t meant anything.
But Danielle remembered every second of it.
The way that Minji’s plump lips had felt so soft against her own and her tongue had tasted of the Iced Hazelnut Americano that she’d been sneakily drinking during the rehearsal. The gentleness with which the taller girl had stroked her jaw and pulled her in closer by the waist. The way she had looked at her with that fierce intensity in her eyes, telling Danielle that she had wanted it as much as her.
They never talked about it, but perhaps they should have, especially after that second time…
Dani exhaled, barely aware of her own breathing as time continued to move slowly, the dissonance within her seemingly resolving with an imperfect cadence. Minji, beside her, still held on to her hand.
As the final traces of the sun slipped away, the sky deepened into stunning hues of violet and indigo, Van Gogh’s “Starry Night Over the Rhône” come to life, as the city below them lit up like candles. The voices of the other tourists and the clicks of their cameras filtered through occasionally from below them, as most were on the second floor, but up on the summit platform it was still, as if they were the only ones in the entire city.
Eventually, Dani turned.
“Minji,” she whispered, but it sounded like a roar in the silence.
Minji’s shoulders flinched slightly, her jaw tightening at the sound of her name and what it might mean. She squeezed Dani’s hand, almost as if begging her not to continue, but she didn’t let go.
“Min, what are we doing?” Dani asked, softly.
The question was so quiet on the wind that it was barely audible, no hint of accusation to it, yet it hit Minji like a slap on an icy morning. Her brain whirred trying to come up with a response, any response that wasn’t going to cause complete chaotic destruction. She drew in a sharp breath and dropped her hand immediately. Danielle’s own hand fell limply at her side, feeling cold from the immediate loss.
Minji took a step back, her head bowed as every fear she had flooded her as she returned to her full senses, not only the fear of heights overwhelming her all of a sudden. She frantically spun her ring as her breathing became shallower, coming in rapid, short bursts as she struggled to centre herself.
Danielle watched her, her heart squeezed tight in worry, unsure of the best way to intervene. She thought about the flight and how she had been able to calm Minji down, so she tried a similar tactic, gently taking hold of the older girl’s wrist and stroking her thumb along the thin, sensitive skin on the inside.
After a few moments, she felt Minji start to relax, her lungs taking in the appropriate amount of oxygen that they needed. She looked up into Danielle’s concerned eyes and offered her a weak smile.
“I’m okay now. Thank you.”
She straightened up and stepped back up to the railing, staring out into the distance.
“I don’t know how to answer your question, Dani,” she said, softly. “I have no idea what we’re doing.”
Dani stepped forward to stand next to her, closer this time.
“Well, do you just want to pretend that this is nothing?” she asked, tightly. “Because I can do that. I’ve been doing it for years.”
The hard edge to her tone took them both by surprise, though neither reacted.
“You think that I don’t feel anything?” Minji asked, finally turning to face Danielle, her eyes glassy with tears. “You think I haven’t been trying not to feel anything since that day?”
Danielle’s breath hitched as she heard the words that she never thought that she would ever hear.
“Then why have we spent these four years ignoring it?” she whispered, desperately.
“Because it scared the fuck out of me, D,” Minji said, her voice trembling with emotion. “It still does, because it could ruin everything. I’m supposed to protect the group, protect you.”
Danielle turned away, her own tears now falling, as she realised that she’d been battling her feelings alone, when they were actually shared by the only other person that mattered.
“Well, Min, right now, I’m not a member of our group and you are not the leader. I’m just me and you’re just you,” she said, turning to face Minji again. “So, the question is, what do you want to do?”
Minji stared at her, wide-eyed.
“I…I don’t know,” she said, quietly.
Resigned, Dani nodded in understanding. This time, she was the one to take Minji’s hand, showing her that she was there, no matter what.
“We have to figure this out, Min. No matter what we decide, it’ll be better for the both of us.”
Minji laid her head on Danielle’s shoulder, sighing.
“I know.”
Dani laid her head on Minji’s as they both fell back into silence, looking out at the view over the still bustling city, knowing that they were at a turning point.
Later that night, Danielle was taking long, deep breaths as she stretched her arms backwards over her head, one after the other, her whole body feeling warm and totally relaxed, at home in the water. As her mind kept rewinding the whole day, she couldn’t keep the smile off of her face. She had taken her sword and was slicing through Minji’s thorny defences little by little, getting closer to the older girl’s heart.
She had been so grateful that the hotel’s full length indoor swimming pool was open until the early hours, allowing her to do the thing she loved so much. As her thoughts kept playing over all of the intimate moments that had happened from the minute she had rolled over that morning, she realised that she no longer thought , but knew in her heart that there was something, or rather someone, that she loved as much as singing, performing and swimming.
She hummed a new melody as she swam, the ability to do so being one of the other reasons that she loved backstroke so much, repeating it several times until it stuck. Then, as her creative juices continued to flow, an entire section of lyrics came to her, her brain changing and rearranging the text to the new melody with each stroke, until it was a developed section.
When she reached the end of the length that she was swimming, she climbed out and went over to her phone, humming the new melody into her audio app and titling it “Melody 3-Best day ever. Pre-chorus/Chorus?” before opening the notes app to write down the new lyrics that had come to her:
“When you look at me, I forget my lines,
Though I’ve rehearsed them a thousand times.
But if I gave voice to this truth,
Would you run or would you move
Closer to the quiet parts?
Would you be willing to give me your heart?
Because you already have mine,
You already have mine.”
She double-checked that everything was saved and content with her work, she put the phone back under her towel and dived back into the pool, gracefully spinning onto her back and continuing her swim.
Unbeknownst to her, Minji was sitting at the back of the upper level of the pool hall, her leg bouncing up and down anxiously as she chewed on her lower lip. Her music of choice, as she’d taken a brisk walk around the hotel grounds after Dani had left for her swim, was Ravel’s Miroirs, a collection of piano pieces, her headphones isolating the evocative mood for only her.
Now, as she watched Dani glide through the pool as beautiful and elegant as a Naiad, the final movement, ‘La Vallée des Cloches’ accompanied her visual, the oscillating notes moving with the flow of the water as Danielle moved effortlessly through it.
She had made a huge mistake.
She’d let down her guard and been too open, let her emotions spill over and drown her usual stone cold logic and that was not something that she should have allowed to happen. Whatever was going on between her and Dani had to come to an end. They were friends and groupmates, a group with which she was charged with the care of and that also meant the well-being of each of the members. Therefore, she couldn’t let this continue.
She felt pain streak across her chest, a tightness gripping her as her brain rewound the day; all of the moments when Dani had looked at her with those expressive brown eyes, when she’d touched her, held her hand, made her laugh and most of all, made her feel so fucking alive. She’d had many realisations during the day, but the starkest one appeared to her right then. She didn’t just have strong feelings for Dani, she was in love with her and had been for a very long time.
She didn’t bother wiping away the tears that were falling, shoving her fist in her mouth to suppress the sobs threatening to break free, cognisant that the pain in her chest was, in fact, her heart breaking. The chiming bell-like piano chords at the end of the piece, that only she could hear, felt symbolic. She knew that it was supposed to represent the largest bell of the Basilica of Montmartre, a bell that she had heard for herself at Midday, and now it represented something else at Midnight.
The death-knell of a love story that had not even begun to be written.