Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Beatrice was having a lovely day as usual. She was sitting outside the mansion, shaded from the sun under a large tree. Her contractor insisted that she spend more time outside. She complied because she is a good spirit, the best one of course.

She was reading one of her new books, one that her contractor wrote just for her. It was a book compiled of short stories that he thought of.

She didn’t know that her contractor was this good at writing, but then again, of course he was, he was her contractor after all.

She loved all the stories in the book. He gave it to her as a gift after they entered into their contract. She treasured this book dearly.

She heard footsteps coming from afar. She glanced at the direction of the sound.

It was her contractor. He was smiling, and he had a basket full of fruits and sweets. The sight of him brought a content smile to her face.

Her contractor.

The one she chose.

She hated her life and the four hundred years of solitude that she had to endure, until he showed up. He kept annoying her to the point that she forgot all about her boring life.

He pestered her until he made his way into her heart. She couldn’t kick him out, so she decided to cherish his presence in her heart instead.

Subaru: “Yo, Beako. You got a moment?”

Beatrice faked annoyance. “Betty is busy with reading, I suppose. But perhaps she can be persuaded by the correct sweets.”

He beamed at her. “Oh would you look at that! I just happened to have your favourites here! What a coincidence!”

Beatrice smiled as he laughed like a fool. He knew exactly what she liked. He paid such close attention to her. That is why he is her contractor.

He handed her the sweets, and sat down next to her.

He stared at the clear sky for a moment.

Comfortable silence. She liked it only because she was in close proximity to her contractor.

Subaru: “Say, Beako. Have I ever told you about the first time we met?”

Beatrice’s smile faded immediately. She knew what he meant.

He was speaking about that cursed ability of his.

Return by Death.

It was an ability that was so outrageous that it should have never existed, but it did. It existed and was the source of torment to her contractor.

He told her of the ability, he told her of the mechanics, but he never told her any specifics of what happened between them before.

She refrained from asking. She didn’t want to think about the possibility of her contractor dying. She was also scared. She was scared that she did something unforgivable that no one remembered except for her contractor.

But one thing made that fear die down. Her contractor loved her. He wouldn’t have loved her if she did something bad to him.

Beatrice swallowed. “N-no. Is there something that was bothering you about it?”

Subaru kept gazing at the sky. “No. Not really. I just felt like talking about the first meeting, you know.”

Beatrice took a deep breath and let him continue.

Subaru: “You know, somewhere along the line, I started to get this weird idea. It sounds funny when I say it out loud. I sometimes think that I am not real.”

Beatrice’s breath hitched. “W-what does that mean?”

Subaru maintained his smile. “When you have an ability like mine… You start wondering… Am I the real me? Or am I the one that is good enough to be here?”

Beatrice looked at him in concern.

Subaru: “And I reached the answer. I am not the real me. I am the me that made it.”

Beatrice: “B-betty thinks that her contractor is real. D-don’t spout things that scare Betty I suppose.”

Subaru chuckled. “Oh sorry. Didn’t mean it like that. But the answer remains the same.”

Beatrice felt a dreadful feeling creep up her spine.

Subaru: “You see, the real me is the one who is authentic. The one that gives a real first impression. Not one that is tailor made to impress. The real me is the one that you only meet once. You, Beako, met the real me at some point too.”

Beatrice blinked.

Subaru: “You met the me that didn’t know your favourite sweets. The me that didn’t know how to write good stories. The me that was worthless.”

Beatrice whipped her head in concern. “Betty’s Subaru is never worthless!”

Subaru smiled. “Oh, but he is. That Subaru was never liked. No one that knew the real me liked him. Not you, not Ram, not Rem. No one. The only one that is worth anything of note is the one that made it.”

Beatrice’s body was shaking. Her contractor was scaring her.

Subaru: “You know how the last meeting between the real me and you was like? The real me got cursed by mabeasts, but he didn’t know. He went to your library at night, to annoy you and to say goodnight, you know.”

Beatrice was staring at him in horror. She didn’t like where this conversation was going.

Subaru: “You knew he got cursed. You are a great spirit. Something like this wouldn’t go past you. You looked at his eyes. He didn’t know what was going on, but you knew. You could have cured the curse. You could have informed the real me, and told him that he was about to die.”

Beatrice was dreading what she was about to hear.

Subaru: “But you didn’t.”

Beatrice felt her heart break.

Subaru: “You didn’t save him. You didn’t even warn him of what was going on. You stood in silence as he spoke about his day like an idiot, as if this was not his last moments alive.”

Beatrice’s face was drenched in tears. “B-betty doesn’t remember any of this.”

Subaru: “I know you don’t. You don’t remember because the real me died that night.”

A few sobs escaped from her.

Subaru looked at her sadly “Oh, no Beako. I am not saying this to blame you or anything. I am not mad, I promise. I love you.”

Beatrice looked at him hesitantly.

Subaru: “The real me wasn’t worth getting a warning, let alone saving.”

His words made her freeze in shock.

Subaru spoke with intensity. “The real me is naïve, stupid and completely and utterly helpless. Saving him makes no logical sense. You don’t protect a soap bubble, when it can be ended by any mild gust of wind. That is who the real me is.”

Beatrice spoke through her tears. “I-I am s-sorry… Betty is sorry…”

Subaru spoke sternly: “Don’t.”

Her breath hitched.

Subaru: “The real me is worthless. He is not good enough to survive in this world. Do you know how long it took for me to die for the first time?”

Beatrice felt her tears blurring her vision. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out.

Subaru raised his voice: “FIVE HOURS. The real me died in five hours. His story didn’t just end in chapter one… it never made it past the summary! That is how worthless the real me is. That is how helpless he is. That is how incompetent he is. The only reason that I exist it because of my ability. The only reason that I have any friends is because of my ability. The only reason that you love me is because of my ability.”

Beatrice: “N-no… Don’t say that… Betty loves you…”

Subaru smiled warmly. “I am not saying this as an accusation, Beako. Believe me. I am just saying what I see.”

Beatrice: “No, you are not… Stop saying that…”

Subaru raised an eyebrow in intrigue “Okay, then. What do you think would have happened if I didn’t have my ability?”

Beatrice remained silent.

Subaru: “You wouldn’t even know of my existence. I would have been just another bloody corpse laying in an abandoned loot house.”

Beatrice broke into loud sobs.

Subaru: “We would have never met, and I somehow, miraculously survived long enough for us to meet, I would have died, poisoned like a dog, not knowing why I died in the first place.”

Beatrice pulled her knees to her chest and started sobbing into them.

Subaru: “The only thing that separates me from the real me is this cursed ability. The very antithesis to what life is. The thing that is a violation of every law in nature. I exist thanks to something that is utterly disgusting. I am tailor made for people to like me. Rem loves me because I made it so. Ram tolerates me because I made it so.”

He turned towards Beatrice. “And you, Beako. You are contracted to me because I made it so, not because you love me.”

Beatrice raised her head. She spoke through her tears. “No... Don’t say that… Your Betty loves you… There isn’t anyone that she loves more than you… Back then… Betty was scared… She was scared of getting attached… She was scared of being left behind... She was scared that-”

Subaru wrapped his arms around her. “It is alright, Beako, I understand.”

Beatrice relaxed into his arms. She gripped his shirt as hard as she could. She cried into his chest like she never cried before.

Subaru placed his hand on her head. “It is fine, Beako. It really is. You don’t need to justify anything.”

Beatrice continued to sob into his chest.

Subaru: ‘Of course you feel bad. Of course you want to apologise. You love the current me. If you were with the real me, you wouldn’t have given him a second thought. But it is fine. I completely understand it. I am sorry that I made you sad. I am really sorry. I will make it up to you. I will give you more sweets next time. You don’t need to remember this conversation ever again. I will make sure of it.’

Chapter Text

Otto walked through the hallways of the mansion in a hurry. He was looking for Subaru. He hadn’t seen him since he had that picnic with Beatrice. He was starting to feel worried. Subaru was usually very loud, and finding him was easier than avoiding him.

He looked for him in the garden, the newly constructed obstacle course and even in his room. He was still no where to be found. He heard a noise as he walked by his own office. He stopped in his tracks and glanced towards the door.

The sound was similar to the sound of glass breaking. His hands trembled as he reached for the doorknob, hoping that he doesn’t see something that would scar him for life.

He knew what cursed ability Subaru had. That meant that at any point, he could do something horrible to himself and no body would ever know. They don’t even know if he had done something like this to himself before. He never spoke about it outside of explaining how it worked.

He opened the door and braced his heart for anything. He instead saw something that was equally unsettling.

Subaru was lying across his desk, on top of all of his papers. He had a half empty bottle of whiskey, one that he had stashed for later. His look wasn’t what horrified Otto the most. The fact that he was drinking in the first place was a major red flag.

When did he start? Was this really the first time? How long had he been hiding this from everyone? If he had kept it buried so well before, why show it now?

All those questions surged through Otto’s head, and he didn’t like the answers that his mind came up with.

Otto: “Natsuki-san… That is quite the peculiar position that you are in.”

Subaru turned his head towards him. “Oh, it’s Otto. Don’t worry, I am just borrowing one of your drinks. Turns out I am a lightweight. Would you believe that?”

He burst out laughing and some of the whiskey was spilled on the floor next to him, but Otto didn’t pay it any mind.

Otto: “You could have told me if you wanted to drink. I would have loved to share a drink with you, Natsuki-san.”

Subaru: “Oh lovely. Here you go then.”

He threw another bottle in Otto’s direction, which he barely managed to catch.

Subaru: “Look at me, shamelessly handing you your own drink as if I was being generous.”

He started laughing again but even louder this time. Otto felt unease creep up his spine.

He let out a sigh and grabbed two chairs from the corner of the room and dragged them next to the desk.

Otto: “At least sit down here, Natsuki-san. You will get whiskey all over your clothes if you don’t.”

Subaru was about to say something, but he stopped. He simply got up from the desk and sat on the chair in silence.

Otto sat on the chair opposite to him and took a sip of his drink.

The gentle night breeze slipped through the curtains, carrying with it the pale glow of moonlight that illuminated what it could of the darkened room.

Otto waited for Subaru to start talking, but he remained silent. Usually, when Otto drank, he would speak endlessly of his worries and troubles, so he assumed that Subaru had a similar reason in mind. He decided to speak first, since Subaru was tight lipped when it came to what bothered him, whether drunk or not.

Otto: “I was a little surprised when I saw you drinking, Natsuki-san. Did something happen?”

Subaru lifted his gaze from the floor. “Yeah Otto. I did something that I shouldn’t have done.”

Otto’s blood turned cold. “What ever it is, we can sort it out. Just let me know what it is and I can see what I can do.”

Subaru gave him a weak smile. “Thanks for that Otto, but this time it is a little tricky.”

Otto wanted to speak, but the words died in his mouth.

Subaru: “I did something that I should have never done in my life. I made Beako cry.”

Otto felt his energy return to him slightly. “Beatrice-sama is very forgiving, especially when it comes to you, Natsuki-san. She loves you dearly. I am sure that we can get her something that would lighten up her mood a little.”

Subaru did not answer, and simply looked him in the eyes for a few seconds. For some reason, Otto felt Subaru’s gaze turn cold for a moment, but he moved his gaze back to the floor before he could confirm it.

Subaru: “You don’t understand. I told her about the worst thing ever. I told her about the real me.”

Otto was lost in his confusion. “The real you? I don’t mean to offend you, but I don’t believe that you have the acting abilities to mask who you truly are.”

Subaru let out a chuckle. “Oh, Otto. If only you knew how wrong you are.”

Otto swallowed. “Really? Tell me just how wrong I am then.”

Subaru raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure you want to know? You might start crying like Beako.”

Otto forced a smile. “Try me.”

Subaru smiled. “Thought you might say something like that.”

He took another sip from his drink. He didn’t cough. He didn’t wince. He didn’t even pause after his first swallow. Otto almost wished he had… That would have made it easier to believe that this was his first time.

He began talking. “I told her about the real me. The one that is not me. The one that you are not seeing in front of you right now.”

Otto: “Then who am I seeing?”

Subaru: “I am the me who is deserving.”

Otto’s body twitched. “Deserving of what?”

Subaru: “I am the me who is deserving of everything. Deserving of trust. Deserving of friendship and love. Deserving of life.”

Otto: “As opposed to another you that does not deserve any of that?”

Subaru smiled. “I knew you would get it, Otto. I was right.”

Otto frowned. “I actually don’t get it, I am afraid. There is no you who does not deserve trust, friendship or love, and there is certainly no version of you who doesn’t deserve to live.”

Subaru: “You say that because you are a good person, Otto. But you wouldn’t say that If you knew the real me.”

Otto looked at him in irritation. “I am pretty sure I would, but please, go ahead. Introduce me to the real you.”

Subaru: “Oh boy. Welp, here goes.”

He took another sip. “The real me is brash, honest and acts like he is already friends with everyone. He acts as if his behaviour is acceptable, even if it wasn’t. The real me is a dreamer, he wished for love, he wished for connection, he wished for companionship.”

Otto: “So far, you haven’t said anything that distinguishes you from the real you.”

Subaru froze. His smile faded. He turned coldly to face Otto. “Me and him are nothing alike. Don’t you ever compare me to him again.”

Otto recoiled in his seat. “N-natsuki-san?”

Subaru spoke in a sharp tone. “Do you think I am worthless? Do you think I am fragile? Do you think I am not deserving of human decency? Do you think I am not deserving of having people around me? Do you think I deserve to die?”

Otto was trembling. “N-no. Of course not. What has gotten into you?”

Subaru: “Then me and him are not the same.”

Otto was looking at him as if he saw an entirely new person. “N-natsuki-san?”

Subaru: “Don’t act as if you think he deserves any of that. You don’t. You never did, and if you knew him, you would think the same too.”

Otto: “What the hell are you talking about? I know the real you. He is the one I am talking to right now.”

Subaru shot out of his chair and smashed his bottle to the floor. “I am NOT the real me. Stop saying that. I don’t want to be associated with that failure.”

Otto was frightened. “Natsuki-san… Calm down, please.”

Subaru took a few deep breaths. He shook his head and sat down again. “I am sorry, Otto. I don’t know what got into me. Just please… never say that again.”

Otto was barely holding himself together. His fingers were trembling. His legs kept twitching to no end.

Subaru: “You don’t know the real me. You once did, but you don’t remember him anymore.”

Otto felt his fear reach his heart. “Natsuki-san… Are you saying…”

Subaru: “Yes. You don’t remember him because he died.”

Otto felt a pang in his chest. He pictured the image of a motionless Subaru, laying on the ground, never to move a finger again, never to speak a word again. He felt tears well up in his eyes.

Otto: “W-what… What happened to him?”

Subaru stayed silent.

Otto: “Natsuki-san… Please”

Subaru winced. “You don’t want to know.”

Otto: “Please… I can never forgive myself if I knew that you died after meeting me and I did nothing about it.”

Subaru’s face twisted in pain. Otto felt an ache in his heart. ‘That memory must have been really painful. I am sorry for prying, Natsuki-san, but I can’t help you without having the full picture.’

Subaru’s face suddenly relaxed. He suddenly felt way more comfortable to speak.

Subaru: “Alright then, have it your way. Umm… mind if I take a sip from your drink? Mine is kainda… You know.”

Otto reluctantly handed his drink to him.

Subaru: “Alright then, where do I begin? Remember when the witch cult was attacking Arlam village?”

Otto felt his whole body shudder. He silently nodded.

Subaru: “Well the first time he found out about it, he tried to go back to warn them. It was only him and Rem. they had no back up at the time.”

Otto felt his heartbeat quicken.

Subaru: “They ended up meeting you in an inn. You offered to drive them to the Mathers domain for a fee. It would have taken longer if you took the longer route so they paid extra for you to take them through the Lifaus Highway.”

Otto felt his blood freeze in his veins. “T-that… Isn’t that where…”

Subaru: “Yes. That is where the White Whale appeared. That is how I knew of its presence there.”

Otto sunk into his chair.

Subaru: “You were moving through it just fine, until it showed up. You were travelling with a bunch of other dragon carriages, but it kept following only your carriage.”

Otto moved his shaky hands and hugged himself in an attempt to comfort himself in any way.

Subaru: “That is when he finally understood. he understood that the White Whale was a massive mabeast.”

Otto’s eyes widened in shock.

Subaru: “Now tell me, Otto. What would a normal person do in that situation? Some random dumbass just came by and asked you to do a very dangerous job, and on top of that was emitting a scent that attracted the single most dangerous mabeast in the world. What would the reasonable thing to do in that situation be?”

Otto was frozen in place. He didn’t dare move a single finger, or let out any sound.

Subaru: “I would have done the same too, Otto. You did the right thing. Pushing him off the carriage was the correct choice.”

Otto stared at his face. He could no longer hold his tears. He had already deducted what the likely outcome of that story would be, but to hear it be confirmed in that way…

He got off his chair, walked a few steps forward and dropped to his knees.

Otto spoke in a dead, monotone voice. “Natsuki-san… Forgive me… Please forgive me… ”

Subaru dropped down to his level in a hurry. “What are you doing Otto? Get off the floor. There is glass shards all over the place. You will hurt yourself.”

Otto couldn’t take it and dropped his forehead on the floor. He started sobbing loudly.

Otto: “Natsuki-san… I am sorry… I am sorry… Forgive me please… Please… I didn’t know… I didn’t… No.”

Subaru rubbed his back softly. “It’s alright Otto. I forgave you a long time ago. Lift your head, please.”

He felt the sting of the glass against his forehead, and to his shame, it almost comforted him. Any pain that distracted him from the gnawing ache in his heart was a mercy he was willing to take. When he finally lifted his head to look at Subaru, a faint glimmer of hope stirred in his chest. His face was drenched in tears, shallow red lines marking his skin where the shards had cut him, but the sting didn’t trouble him. If anything, it was easier to bear than the weight crushing his heart.

Subaru smiled warmly, but his eyes remained hollowed out. “I forgive you Otto. That Subaru wasn’t worth risking your life for. Thank you for letting him die.”

Whatever hope Otto felt was killed in that instant. The contrast between Subaru’s warm smile, and the harrowing words that came out of his mouth were horrifying.

Otto felt empty. Not only did he kill his best friend with his own hands, he even justified it for him. He was finally beginning to understand just how mentally damaged Subaru was. He should have picked up on the hints, but he didn’t, and the result was there, kneeling next to him. Smiling as he thanked him for killing him.

Otto’s mind was overwhelmed, and was reduced to silence.

Subaru picked him up and sat him down on the chair next to him.

Subaru: ‘Don’t worry, Otto. Neither you nor Beatrice will suffer for longer.’

Chapter Text

Subaru sat silently in a guest room. Beatrice was waiting for him in his room. She has been a sobbing mess since their talk earlier this day, but Subaru had already made his decision. The way Otto reacted to his truth only cemented his decision.

No one should know about the real him.

Subaru glanced through the window. The night breeze was refreshing, especially after that talk with Otto. The moonlight was being reflected on the blade in his hand. He saw the reflection of his eyes on the blade. The seemed hollow and lifeless. His usual sharpness dulled by the hint of resignation.

It was a fancy looking knife. It wasn’t something you fight with, it was more along the lines of a ceremonial blade. It had a slightly curved end and was engraved with ancient looking symbols. It was a gift from his knighting ceremony.

He pressed it’s tip on one of his fingers. Sharp. Blood trickled down his palm. It was a very useful blade.

He held the blade closer to his face to inspect it a little. He then moved it slowly and methodically towards his neck. His face remained expressionless.

He felt the cold end of the steel against his skin. ‘This sucks. I wish I had someone help me with this.’

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He steeled himself. He went in to go trough with it, but he couldn’t move his arm. He felt something holding his arm in place.

As he opened his eyes, he felt a sharp pain in his hand.

Subaru: “Ouch.”

He looked at the hand. The knife was no longer there. He looked around and saw her standing next to him.

It was Ram. She had the knife in her hand. She had a look of fury mixed with heartbreak.

Subaru: “Nee-sama?”

Ram: “Don’t you nee-sama me! What the hell were you about to do?”

Subaru: “Oh… this? I was just… uhh... ”

Ram took the knife and threw it away. “You were going to kill yourself, weren’t you? You were going to use that cursed ability of yours, weren’t you?”

Subaru: “Ram… Please…”

Ram: “What is wrong with you? Have you finally lost it? Ram must have underestimated just how stupid you are. What were you trying to achieve?”

Subaru: “Things happened. This is just averting unnecessary pain.”

Ram: “Your death is averting unnecessary pain? Are you that much of a selfish idiot? You think none of us care whether you live or die?”

Subaru: “I don’t die. Killing myself doesn’t kill me. Stop acting as if I am doing something final.”

Ram: “You… You’ve done this before haven’t you?”

Subaru held her gaze and remained silent.

Ram was taken aback: “Ram has never seen such a pathetic display before, and that is something considering she sees you everyday. It doesn’t matter if you come back. No sane person does this.”

Subaru: “What makes you think I am sane? Huh? You think I just do this for fun? You think suicide is a casual thing to do? It is not. It isn’t easy. It never is.”

Ram: “Then live by your own words, you idiot. If you say that it is awful like that then stop using it as a shortcut.”

Subaru: “It is not a shortcut. It is the only path for me. Stop acting as if you know anything about me.”

Ram: “You are being pathetic. Now I have to monitor you to make sure you don’t-”

Subaru: “SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

Ram froze. she widened her eyes as she stared at him. He has never spoken with her like that before.

Subaru: “Stop acting as if you care about me. You don’t. You care about me because I made it so. You care because I went out of my way to make it the only option for you. You didn’t care about me because I deserved it, or because of your nature, you do because I designed it this way.”

Ram shook her head. “You have lost your mind. Who do you think you are? You think you can manipulate Ram easily? You think you can make me care or not care about you?”

Subaru: “I know I can, because it is what I did. I know you weren’t being friendly with me when we first met because you liked me. You did it because Roswaal ordered you to do it.”

Ram: “What a pathetic non argument. Roswaal-sama can order Ram to fake care, but he can’t order Ram to feel it, and you can’t make her care for you either. Ram cares because she decided to.”

Subaru: “I know he can’t. And I know exactly what that fake care looks like. I made you care for me, because my survival depended on it.”

Ram: “What are you talking about?”

Subaru: “The real me didn’t do what I did. He didn’t make you care for him. He just assumed that you did, and that lead to his death. You think the first time you met me was the actual first time? No. The real me died in that mansion four times.”

Ram stared at him blankly. She didn’t want to believe him. The though of him dying multiple times under her care shook her to her core.

Subaru: “Don’t look all surprised. If you met him you would just agree with me. He assumed that people cared whether he lived or died. He thought that he mattered to the people he was around. He was a naïve idiot, and he died for it.”

Ram: “The sheer audacity. What you are saying is deeply insulting to Ram, painting her as a merciless monster.”

Subaru: “I am not even saying that. I don’t blame you or anyone for what happened. No one mourns a rat’s death.”

Ram: “All this talk about the real you and the current you is just the words of a madman. You are unwell.”

Subaru: “No, Ram. It is not just mindless ramblings. It is the truth. It is my truth. It is also the truth of the real me.”

Ram huffed: “Children also believe that monsters under their beds are real. Snap out of your delusion.”

Subaru: “Maybe you would understand if you knew what happened. What if Rem was awake? What if she decided that I was a threat? What if she decided to neutralise the threat? What would you do?”

Ram: “Barusu can’t be a threat. You can barely hurt a child. The only one threatened by you is you.”

Subaru: “Lovely. This is what I am saying. You would reject the notion of me being a threat. But you wouldn’t do the same about the real me.”

Ram: “You are the Real you. Ram already said that she would defend you in that situation.”

Subaru: “That scenario was not a what if. It was a memory. It was the story of the real me. Rem was suspicious of him, so she decided to kill him. She chased him down the forest. He managed to distract her and run away. do you know what he felt in that moment? Do you know what he thought? He prayed to see you or Emilia. He hoped that either of you would save him. He sought you for protection.”

Ram: “Stop throwing baseless accusations against Ram’s sister.”

Subaru ignored her. “And you know what happened to him? A wind blade lopped off his leg.”

Ram froze. She started to see it. She knew that if her sister was suspicious of someone to the point of taking him out, she would have supported her. This knowledge only made her body tremble.

Subaru: “Of course, he was weak. He couldn’t keep running, and Rem caught up to him. She kept asking the same questions: ‘Who do you work for?’ ‘Are you a spy?’ ‘Are you a witch cultist?’.”

Ram’s lips quivered. Those accusations… These were the same that she and Roswaal were measuring him for.

Subaru: “He of course, had no answer to those questions. He did, but the answers he had were not the ones Rem was looking for, so she tried to force them. She did it over and over and over again. It went on for hours. He didn’t know why she was doing it. He didn’t even know what the Witch Cult was at the time, but that didn’t matter to Rem, or to the person that chopped his leg off.”

Ram shook her head in denial. “That wasn’t… It wasn’t…”

Subaru: “She kept going and going until it was clear beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was innocent. You were there. Don’t deny it. You were watching the whole thing. He was broken. He needed saving from your sister and from you. You could have stopped her. You could have told her to heal him. But that was not what you did. When you were sure that you were both in the wrong, and that you facilitated the torture of the real me, you decided to end it by slitting his throat.”

Ram gasped. “No… I didn’t… ”

Subaru: “Are you claiming that it never happened? You think I am lying? You think I made this whole thing up? I love it when that guy kicks the bucket, but I wouldn’t go that far. I wouldn’t make up scenarios of him perishing.”

Ram forced herself to remain calm. “T-that doesn’t change the fact that Ram chose to care for you on her own.”

Subaru chuckled weakly: “Really? I doubt it. The real me doubted it too. He decided to hide the next time he woke up. He hid from both of you. He did not trust either of you. That didn’t work either.”

Ram forced herself to speak in a stern tone: “Ram doesn’t want to hear it. There is no real or fake Barusu. There is only one Barusu. Stop denying that.”

Subaru raised an eyebrow. “You don’t want to hear the next story? That’s sad. I wonder what he would have thought if he knew the one that killed him didn’t even want to hear his story.”

Ram raised her voice: “Stop trying to guilt trip Ram. You are too dumb to manipulate her. If you think that what separated you from the real you is that he is pathetic, then you need a new metric. You are even more pathetic than him.”

Subaru lowered his gaze to the ground. He spoke in a tired tone. “If you say that me and him are the same person then you should be prepared to live with knowing that you caused my death. Do you want to do that?”

Ram hid her trembling hands behind her. “…Yes.”

Subaru widened his eyes. He felt as if someone threw cold water on him. He snapped his eyes in her direction.

Ram: “What Ram did was unforgivable. Separating yourself from him absolves Ram from her sins. Don’t disrespect Ram like that. She should live her life knowing her sins, and atoning for them.”

Subaru: “B-but You killed him.”

Ram: “No. Ram killed you. Ram will live her life trying to earn your forgiveness. Not the one that comes from this warped sense of value.”

Subaru was breathing heavily. He shook his head violently. “No… Stop...”

Ram’s voice softened. “Ram’s first action will be pulling you from this poisonous mindset. Ram will force you recognise that the you are the real you, and that what happened to you was not deserved.”

Subaru started hyper ventilating. He clutched his head in his hands: “No. It was deserved. It had to be. It… It…”

Ram: “Ram will keep watch over you. Don’t you dare think about taking your life again, after Ram went out of her way to save it.”

Subaru’s eyes were unfocused. Everything seemed blurry to him. His body felt heavy. Ram walked closer to him and made him lie on the bed. He offered her no resistance. He lay in the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling.

She gave him one last glance. She held back her tears and left the room.

Ram walked down the hallways. Her steps were getting more shaky the more she walked. She almost stumbled over nothing several times.

Once she reached her room and closed the door behind her, she collapsed to her knees. She held her hand over her mouth as her tears ran down her face.

Ram: ‘Barusu… Ram is sorry… Ram didn’t know… Please… Don’t hate Ram please…’

She kept sobbing silently in her room until she gave out and fell asleep.

Chapter Text

Subaru opened his eyes slowly. The sunlight was seeping in through the window, and it was irritating him. He stared at the ceiling for a few moments.

He turned his neck to take in his surroundings. He was in the same guest room as he had been yesterday. The one he chose as his final resting place in this timeline before being interrupted by Ram. He didn’t remember pulling one over himself before going to sleep. She must have covered him with a blanket.

He got up and sat on the bed. He slept through the night until the sun came, but he didn’t feel like his energy was restored. His body felt sluggish. He didn’t want to get out of bed. His mind drifted to what she told him yesterday.

‘She doesn’t know anything. She never did. I made her care about me. She didn’t do it on her own. No one ever did. No one accepted the real me.’

He forced himself to move. He let his feet dangle from the side of the bed and prepared to get up, but he stopped when he heard a knock on the door.

He didn’t want to see anyone. He wanted to speak to no one, so he stayed silent, hoping that whoever it was would give up and leave, but they didn’t.

The person opened the door and entered the room.

Subaru: “Emilia…”

Emilia stood at the door frame. She saw his dishevelled look. It made her worries increase. She stepped in and closed the door. She hesitantly got closer and stood at the side of the bed.

Emilia: “Subaru… Are you okay?”

Subaru let out a weak chuckle. “Of course I am. Why would I not be okay?”

Emilia hesitated for a second. “Ram is very worried about you. She asked me to come and check on you.”

Subaru’s smile faded. “Worried… huh?”

Emilia tried to light up the mood. “Well, she said: ‘Idiot Barusu was going to do something Stupid yesterday. Luckily, Ram-sama was there to stop him.’ Doesn’t that sound like her?”

She giggled. “She asked me to see you.”

Subaru was not amused by her attempts at humour, but the fact that she was trying to cheer him up warmed his heart.

He let out an amused huff. “Yeah… That does sound like her.”

They remained silent for a few seconds. Subaru did not want to talk, and Emilia couldn’t find the right words to say.

Emilia: “Could you tell me what happened? Ram refused to say, but she looked pretty shaken.”

Subaru: “We just talked, you know… about things.”

Emilia: “Things?”

Subaru: “You are right. Calling him a ‘thing’ is a little much. We talked about a certain person. You shouldn’t care about him, though.”

Emilia tilted her head: “Why shouldn’t I care?”

Subaru let out a chuckle: “Because you wouldn’t have…” He suddenly paused.

Subaru: “You… wouldn’t have…” His breathing was starting to quicken.

Subaru widened his eyes. “You… You did… ”

He slowly turned to face Emilia. “You accepted him… You accepted the real me…”

Emilia was puzzled: “The real you? I don’t understand.”

Subaru was shocked to his core. “Emilia… accepted the real me… I… I forgot? No. I must have overlooked this on purpose.”

He turned to Emilia. A genuine smile appeared on his face. “I focused so much on my bad experiences that I forgot about my best one. Emilia, you don’t know how much I am grateful to you.”

Emilia scratched behind her ear. “But I didn’t even do anything…”

Subaru smiled. “Ah, right. You don’t remember. Let me tell you about our first meeting then. The first time you and I talked.”

Emilia smiled wistfully. “I always wanted you to tell me about that day. All you ever said was that I saved you, and nothing else.”

Subaru chuckled. “Well, that is what stayed with me the longest.”

He removed his blanket from the bed and patted the spot next to him on it. Emilia smiled and sat next to him.

Subaru’s smile widened. “It happened on my very first day here in Lugunica. I had nothing to my name and was being attacked by three thugs when you first saw me. Back then, I saw people glance at me, some even running past me as I was beaten. None of them lifted a finger to help me.”

Emilia listened to his story with a heavy heart. She knew what it was like to be lonely and with no help. Well, she had Puck, but she still felt lonely.

Subaru: “Only one person stopped and lent me a hand.”

He turned to look her in the eyes. “It was you, Emilia. You were the only one who saved me that day.”

Emilia smiled sadly. “It makes me re~ally happy that I helped you. It sounds like a fond memory of yours.” ‘I wish I could have remembered it, too.’

Subaru: “Yes. You had lost your insignia, you were running after the thief that stole it, you were very short on time, yet you decided to stop and help a nobody like me. You are the kindest, Emilia.”

Emilia blushed. “W-well… I must have done it for a selfish reason…”

Subaru laughed loudly. “That is what you told me back then, too!”

The sound of his laughter dimmed down. “I wanted to pay you back, so I tagged along with you in your quest to get back your insignia.”

Emilia: “Was that how you knew that I needed it?”

Subaru nodded. “We had so much fun that day… At least I did. Remember that green-haired girl? The one that got lost from her mom?”

Emilia’s eyes lit up. “You know Plum?!”

Subaru replied excitedly. “Yes! On my first day, we helped her find her mom together! It was such a lovely moment. We got her dad to help us with our search. He pointed us towards the slum area.”

Emilia interjected. “Before you continue the story. I have an important question.”

Subaru raised an eyebrow. “Ask away, Emilia.”

Emilia furrowed her brows. “Whose idea was it to help her?”

Subaru scratched the back of his head. “We both helped her in the end. Does it really matter?”

Emilia kept her serious face on as she nodded.

Subaru sighed. “It was your idea.”

She smiled triumphantly. She even gave him a smug look.

It melted his heart. “You are way too cute, Emilia.”

Her smugness dissolved immediately and gave way to her blush. “S-stop saying this nonsense and continue with your story.”

Subaru laughed, much to her dismay.

Subaru had a happy smile on his face. “Well, anyway, we then went to the slum area. We asked people around for Felt, and they pointed up in the direction of the loot house.”

Emilia was starting to feel uneasy, but she didn’t let it show on her face.

Subaru: “And after that…”

His words trailed.

“After… that…”

The smile faded from his face.

Emilia: “Subaru?”

Subaru’s hands started shaking: “A-a-after… t-that…”

His eyes widened. He had a look of absolute horror on his face. He turned to face Emilia.

Subaru: “W-we… Died.”

Emilia knew that this was the logical end to a story like this. She knew the reason why she couldn’t keep such happy memories. She tried to look strong. She tried to look unfazed, but it is not easy to hear about your own death and act normal.

Subaru: “E-elsa was there… S-she… She…”

Emilia wrapped her arms around him. She spoke softly. “Subaru, calm down.”

Subaru shook his head. “No… no, no, no, no, no. You don’t understand. We died. YOU died.”

Emilia: “It’s okay, Subaru. I am here.”

Subaru looked frightened. “No… You died because of me… Because of him… Because of the real me.”

Emilia widened her eyes. “Huh?”

Subaru’s voice quivered. “You did it… You did what no one else ever did… What no one should ever do… You accepted him…”

Emilia was getting extremely worried. “Subaru, calm down, please.”

Subaru: “How? Why? Why would you do something like that? Accepting him… Trusting him… It is a fatal mistake… There is a reason no one else does it… ”

Emilia was lost for words. She tried to counter him, dispute what he was saying, but her words failed her.

Subaru: “He led you to your death… You died because of him… That… ”

Subaru’s face started getting colored with wrath. “That worthless… Useless… Disgusting… Incompetent… Defective piece of filth! Someone like that caused you to die… Unforgivable… Absolutely unforgivable.”

Emilia was starting to feel scared. “Subaru… Stop, please…”

Subaru looked furious. “Stop? How can I stop? You died! You! For someone like him! Such injustice… Such absolute travesty… I can’t just stop.”

Emilia finally raised her voice. “STOP.”

Subaru recoiled. He looked at her, his eyes widened, and his jaw slackened

Emilia had tears in her eyes. “Stop calling yourself that... ”

Subaru: “B-but Emilia…”

Emilia: “Just don’t. Don’t say bad things about yourself anymore.”

Subaru was stunned into silence.

Emilia frowned at him. “And stop treating me like a helpless child.”

Subaru stumbled to correct her. “N-no… I didn’t. I would never…”

Emilia maintained her frown. “That is what you just did! You say that I died because of you, because I accepted you, because I believed in you.”

Subaru was puzzled. “Yes… But that is not the same.”

Emilia: “It is. You think I am not responsible for my own actions? You think I can’t make my own choices?”

Subaru paused. “That’s not…”

Emilia: “I chose to follow you. I chose to believe in you. The consequences of that action lie solely on me.”

Subaru felt tears form in the corner of his eyes. “But… You died…”

Emilia smiled sadly. “Yes… I died.”

She paused for a moment. His head tilted to the floor. He couldn’t face her anymore.

Emilia: “But I am sure… I am sure that I was happy. I didn’t regret accepting you, Subaru.”

Subaru slowly raised his face and looked at her. His face was a mixture of disbelief and faint hope.

Emilia: “Our time was short, but I am sure that I loved it. You think that you are not the real you, but I wouldn’t have accepted you if you weren’t real. I accepted the real you back then, and I accept the real you now.”

Subaru’s tears ran down his face. “I am real?”

Emilia wrapped him in a hug. “Yes, Subaru. You are the realest person I know.”

Subaru hesitated. “B-but… that makes me unworthy of love…”

Emilia: “You are not unworthy of love. You never were, and you never will be.”

Subaru couldn’t take it and wrapped his arms around her. He cried his heart out onto her chest. Emilia smiled sadly as she stroked his hair.

For the first time in a long time, Natsuki Subaru felt seen not as the crafted mask, but the vulnerable boy he really was.

Chapter Text

Subaru left the mansion and went to the garden outside to take in some fresh air and let his thoughts clear. Getting Emilia to accept that he was okay and that he was fine to go on a walk by himself was tedious, but she relented in the end. She had been checking on him every day, as did Ram, Beatrice and Otto. They were still shaken by their conversations, but they remained strong for his sake.

It has been a few days since they had their conversations, and he was feeling much calmer now.

He took in the fresh breeze. The scent was made better by the aroma emanating from the spring flowers.

Emilia had told him that he was real. Ram did the same. He didn't want to accept it, but the truth was that he was wrong. The real him was accepted. Maybe not by everyone, but he was accepted nonetheless.

Emilia didn't turn him down. That was proof that the real him held some sort of value to her, but that didn't change the fact that she died for it.

Subaru: 'She said that I was real. She said that she wouldn't have accepted me if I weren't real.'

He kept walking around aimlessly through the mansion courtyard. 'But she died. Nothing can change that fact. She said that she didn't regret it, but I do.'

Subaru stopped in his tracks. He lifted his gaze and directed it to the clear blue sky. 'Was that it? Was I cursed to either be unaccepted or doom the ones that accepted me?'

He closed his eyes and inhaled. 'A curse... Yeah. That word fits, doesn't it?'

He kept walking with no direction in mind. He let his feet take him wherever they desired, and where they took him was the stables.

Subaru blinked. He didn't remember walking in that direction. He didn't have a destination anyway, so he kept walking. He heard a sound coming from a distance. He turned to check the source.

His face lightened up, and his smile widened. "Patrasche!"

Patrasche: "Caww!"

Subaru walked closer to her and started to rub her neck lovingly. "I am so happy to see you, Patrasche!"

Patrasche kept her eyes fixed on him. She remained silent for a bit. "Caw caw?"

Subaru smiled. "Oh, I wasn't doing anything really. I think my soul just wanted to see you without me thinking."

Subaru scratched under her chin, which made her close her eyes and enjoy the sensation.

Subaru: "Let's go for a walk, okay? What do you think?"

Patrasche looked at him for a second before nodding slightly. Subaru smiled and let her out of the stables. Just her presence made his heart feel happy despite asking Emilia for Privacy.

He didn't understand why it made him feel that way, but he appreciated the feeling nonetheless.

Throughout the walk, Patrasche kept her eyes on him, as if studying him. She sensed that something was weighing on his heart. She nudged him a little to get him to start talking.

Subaru stumbled at the unexpected push. "Hey! What was that for?"

Patrasche kept her eyes glued to him and refused to elaborate.

He sighed. "What? You sense something wrong, too? My hiding skills are really in the mud, huh?"

He chuckled weakly. "You see, the thing is..."

His words trailed off. He stopped in his tracks, and Patrasche followed suit.

Subaru: "Wait... "

His eyes widened. He looked at Patrasche. "Patrasche... You accepted me from the start, just like Emilia-tan."

Patrasche did not appreciate having her recognition compared with the half-elf that accepted almost anyone. She nudged him lightly with her tail for that remark, but he seemed not to even feel it.

Subaru: "Patrasche you... You just accepted me, and nothing happened. We went on to defeat the whale. I didn't get hurt. You didn't get hurt. We were both fine. Accepting me didn't kill you."

Subaru's face had a weak smile on it. "You just accepted me. I didn't try to win your affection or anything; you just liked me from the get-go. And I wasn't a curse on you."

Patrasche did not like the way he spoke of himself, or the way he seemed to expect hurt despite her graciously lending him her aid. "Caaaw Caaw!"

Subaru chuckled. "Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean it like that." His smile was wide and radiant. "To you, I am the real me. I was always real to you. I didn't need to be someone else to be with you."

He walked closer to her and wrapped his arms around her neck. "I am so grateful for you, Patrasche."

Patrasche accepted his hug happily. She let out a content hum as he embraced her.

Subaru: "Maybe I should listen to what Emilia-tan and Ram said."

He loosened his arms around her and took a step back. "I feel much better!"

Patrasche had a smug look on her face. It made Subaru laugh. "I know, I know. Of course, I was going to feel better because I was with you. Thank you."

He continued their walk happily, chatting about anything and everything that he had on his mind.

Once they were done with their walk, Subaru put her back in her home and headed back to the mansion.

When he entered the mansion, he saw Petra looking lost. She had a worried expression on her face and seemed to be searching for something.

The moment she saw him, the worry on her face lessened. She ran in his direction, stopping just short of running him over in her hurry.

Petra: "Subaru-sama! Are you alright?"

Subaru tilted his head. "You were looking for me?"

Petra nodded. "Emilia-sama and Ram-nee-sama were worried about you, and it made me worried too."

A smile appeared on his face. "You were worried about me? You are such a good girl, aren't you?" He moved his hand and patted her on the head.

Petra pouted. "Jeez. Stop treating me like a little girl!" Despite her apparent annoyance, she made no effort to move his hand or stop him from patting her. Her pout looked childish, but Subaru saw the resolve under it. She really had been worried about him.

Subaru chuckled. "Sure, sure! You are a big girl!"

Petra crossed her arms and turned her face away. She wanted to appear mad, but all she did was look adorable.

Subaru: "And why were you looking at me? Didn't you have chores to do?"

Petra: "I was worried about you, so I worked hard and finished my chores early. I asked Frederica-nee-sama, and she said that it was okay for me to look for you."

Subaru smiled. "You wanted to spend time with me? Who am I to say no then? Come on then. I have something that I wanted to show you."

Petra looked excited and happily went with him. He led her to a secret room that he was working on.

Subaru faked being serious. "Alright, Petra. What I am about to show you is a top secret, okay? It must never be known until the time is right."

Petra nodded enthusiastically. Subaru moved his hand and opened the door dramatically.

Subaru: "Behold! Natsuki Subaru's secret workshop!"

Petra looked inside the room. She saw a room filled with plushies. They came in all shapes and sizes. Some were small enough to fit in her hand, others were large enough to be used as sleep pillows. He had made ones that looked like the residents of the mansion, and made ones that looked like cute animals.

Petra was ecstatic. She ran into the room and started to dig through them. They felt very soft. She loved them.

Petra: "Subaru-sama! This amazing! Did you make all of those by yourself?"

Subaru had a proud look on his face. "Yeah. You can have whichever one you like."

Petra smiled widely. "Then I choose all of them!"

Subaru: "Hey, now. I get that you like them, but I have other plans for them, too. It is why I made so many. You can have a few if you want."

Petra was a little disappointed that her plan to have a complete monopoly over his cute creations was foiled, but having some of them was already good enough, so she started looking through them for the ones that she liked the most.

Subaru watched her analyse the different plushies as if she were making a very important decision. The sight brought a warm sensation to his heart.

Subaru: "Petra, I am alright now. There is no need to be worried anymore."

Petra turned around to see him. He felt relieved. Her attempt at making him feel better was not needed in the end. She wanted to be the one to bring him happiness, but his happiness was her ultimate goal, so she couldn't complain.

Subaru: 'Petra... She accepted the real me, too. She was a little suspicious of me at the start. I can't blame her, to be honest. But she always accepted me in the end. I didn't try to win her over. I didn't try to get her to like me or anything. She just did.'

Subaru saw her comparing a cat plushie to a dog plushie with a serious expression on her face.

Subaru smiled. 'She thinks I am a hero because I saved her and the other kids from the wolgarms, but I didn't do that to curry favour. I would have done that anyway.'

He picked up a plushie that resembled a phoenix. 'I am the real me.'

Subaru: "Pick some to give to Meili, too. You can even tell her that you made them for her if you want."

Petra: "No way! I would never do that. Subaru-sama should be the only one to get praise for these cute dolls."

Subaru smiled. 'I didn't know how to rationalise what happened to me. I tried to make light of it, and when I couldn't, I refused to accept that they happened to me in the first place.'

He sighed. 'I should have told them earlier. The moment the taboo was lifted in the sanctuary, the moment I was able to talk about Return by Death, I should have done so. Keeping everything to myself didn't help me at all. It only made things worse.'

He stared at the phoenix plushie in his hand. 'All I did was avoid having those difficult conversations, and made them all worry. I even made them cry.'

His face betrayed a hint of sadness. 'The things that happened to me... The things that were done to me... I didn't deserve them. I was naive, a fool, ignorant of the ways of this world, but that didn't mean that I got what was coming for me. I have to accept this for their sake... And for my own sake as well.'

He pressed the plushie to his chest. 'Time to face it then. I need to acknowledge that I was wronged first before I can forgive what happened. It is not real forgiveness if I brush what happened off and say that it wasn't a big deal. I died. My life should be a big deal, even if I can come back.'

He closed his eyes and tilted his head down. 'I feel scared. I don't want to tell them that they did those horrible things to me. I wish I could just show them what happened instead of having to describe it. I am not even sure if I am happy about being able to speak freely or not.'

He opened his eyes and raised his head. 'But none of that matters anymore. What Ram said was right. Keeping this a secret was a disservice to them and to me. I will have to go through many difficult conversations, but at the end of the day, they are strong. They won't shy away. They won't disregard what happened. They love me. Maybe I could even love myself one day.'

He saw Petra's radiant smile as she picked up a plushie that resembled him. 'I'll have to apologise to Beako and Otto a lot. Ram too. But I am not scared any more.'

He walked to Petra and showed her a plushie that resembled her. 'Yeah, I am not scared anymore.'