Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Dedra was getting used to life on Pabu. 

She still lived in Tracyn’s room, which she found to be rather nice when she needed a friend or when she panicked because she thought something was wrong, but she was really just feeling Kilyr’s first kicks.

She’d named him. Yes, it was close to Syril’s name, and she didn’t particularly care. 

“You’re leaving?” She asked when she saw Tracyn bring a bag into the room. Of course, it was Tracyn’s room after all, so she would need clothes from her own closet even if Dedra couldn’t convince her five-month-pregnant self to get out of her bed.

“Yeah. Aidan’s picking me up; one of the Fulcrums is requesting evacuation for themselves and several wounded from Ghorman.”

Ghorman. 

Dedra’s head swam, and she clutched the blanket she was folding tightly. Tracyn noticed, and raised an eyebrow.

“What is it?”

“Ghorman,” Dedra echoed. “I… remember the massacre.”

“We all do.”

“You don’t understand,” Dedra insisted. “I was the one who ordered it. I… I killed Syril.” 

“Dedra,” Tracyn whispered. “You couldn’t have known what was going to happen to Syril. And the massacre… The Empire lied to you about the Ghor. I can’t fault you for that.”

Dedra wrung her hands. This was it, a lie that may break her friendship. Who knew how Tracyn would react? How far her hospitality and that of Pabu’s could extend. Second chances? Really? Did Dedra deserve one?

Probably not, even with the baby she was using as a shield. She felt guilty about that, too.

“They didn’t lie. They told me I needed to come up with a way to show the Empire’s strength. So I did. I didn’t question orders. I never did. And I will live with that for the rest of my life and don’t know how I never opened my eyes sooner.”

“Well, there was prison,” Tracyn said lightly, enough to make Dedra huff a startled laugh and wipe one of her stupid hormone-induced tears. “And I wouldn’t be helping you if I didn’t believe in second chances. I believe no one in the Empire is beyond redemption.”

“Even Tarkin?” Dedra cracked a smile.

“Well…” Tracyn rolled her eyes. “All but him, maybe. And I do think the influence of the Emperor needs to be investigated. No being should be that powerful.”

“Maybe one day it’ll be figured out. I doubt it will be soon, though.”

“Ghorman started something,” Tracyn protested. “Something big. The rebellion just has to finish it.”

“Tracyn?”

“Yeah?” 

“If anyone from Ghorman comes back to Pabu… will I be safe?” 

The real question was will we be safe?

“No one will know unless you want them to,” Tracyn assured her, leaning over to hug her friend. Then she left the room. 

Dedra didn’t want to get out of bed. But there would be a point where she couldn’t deny her hunger any longer.

With Tracyn gone, Dedra filled her time with Rinè instead, and Talo usually followed her around, even to the medcenter.

“I’m glad the nausea’s gone down, but your blood pressure still seems high,” Cole reported. “I’d like to give you another steroid shot for the baby, and keep up with the anticoagulants and other medications.”

“How long will I need to keep it up?” Dedra wondered.

“Not to be grim, but it could be forever, depending on how weak your cardiac muscles have become."

That wasn’t ideal, but if it helped her baby get here safe…

She felt Talo take her hand. He was such a sensitive little boy, in tune with all of her emotions and knowing exactly when she needed comfort.

“It’s never too early to think about a birth plan. I should warn you that the cardiomyopathy may require a surgical delivery depending on how your labor goes. I know some women prefer a vaginal delivery, and I believe one could still be attempted as long as it’s carefully monitored.”

It was almost too much information at one time. Dedra’s head hurt just thinking about it.

“We can move onto the fun part, now,” Cole said to cheer her up. “Time to do a quick scan. Do you want to know the baby’s sex?”

“Yes,” although Dedra was still sure it was a boy. 

And she was right. Her son was moving around thanks to her breakfast that morning, but she could see tiny fingers and tiny toes and the way his mouth opened and closed like he was eating invisible food.

“Look at how he’s grown,” Rinè said, a hint of pride in her voice as she smiled at Dedra. A few weeks ago Dedra might have been offended, but now she smiled back. Riné understood how stressed she’d been about the baby’s growth, how hard she worked to catch him up.

“Did I look like that in your belly, mama?” Talo chattered as they left.

“Most babies do,” Rinè responded. “You were a lot more active during the day, so it was hard to get pictures of you.”

“How big does a baby get before they’re born?” He continued his rapid-fire interrogation.

“That also depends. You were my biggest baby. Saviin was my smallest.”

“And I made you eat lots of weird foods, right?”

Dedra was glad she didn’t have the same issues with cravings as some women did. Sure, she wanted ice cream here and there but mostly just asked for clean, healthy food with lots of protein. Eating had never been easy for her, but now it was a necessity for her and her son.

Her son. 

Confirming her suspicions and seeing such a developed scan made them all the more surreal. There was a whole human being inside her, and he would need to come out one day.

Dedra’s hips hurt just thinking about it. How was she even supposed to prepare for this? There wasn’t an instruction manual…

As if tagging onto her worry, the baby kicked. The scan must have woken him up.

“How does a baby move?” Talo kept going on. “There’s not enough space!”

“It’s like a bathtub in there. Imagine he’s floating.”

Then, a question Dedra knew would come eventually but she was still dreading. “How did the baby even get there? ”

But Rinè just took it in stride. “We’ll talk about that when your father is home.”

“Why? Did he-“

“Later, Talo.” Rinè insisted, shooting Dedra an apologetic glance.

It was times like this where Dedra’s unexpressive face came in handy. Outwardly, she didn’t react. Inwardly, she was laughing. One day she would have a tiny human asking her all these questions.

Not just any tiny human, her and Syril’s tiny human. One they made together. Who would he look like? Would he have blond curls like her vision of her older son, dark curls like Syril’s or something else entirely? Would his eyes be grey like hers or blue like his? Maybe there was some other gene in her past that would make itself known.

If her child looked too much like Syril, it would be the greatest gift or the worst curse. The guilt would never stop….

“Dedra?” Rinè asked, interrupting her thoughts. “What would you like for breakfast?"

“Whatever you’re making is fine,” Dedra said. “Don’t wait on my account.” 

The rest of the day was uneventful, just like every day after her forced retirement/maternity leave. Dedra tried to stay as active as possible just to keep from going stir crazy: she learned to cook with Riné and the twins, walked for a few kilos after every meal while being sure to drink lots of fluids, and swam a lot. 

Swimming was quickly becoming her favorite activity. No matter how much her body had changed, the water supported it and soothed her aching joints.

She was floating one day, staring up at Pabu’s bright blue sky when the whine of an engine caused her to sit up. Tracyn’s ship was returning. Good— Dedra had a lot to rant to her about. 

As she walked back to Tracyn’s family home, she wrung out her hair (which was now a substantial length down her back thanks to Riné’s magic hair serum). She entered the kitchen to find Tracyn and her mother speaking in their language. Both looked grim, especially when they looked toward her.

“What is it?” Dedra asked, wrapping a towel around her shoulders. “What’s happened?”

“You should go change,” Riné said, switching back to Basic. Dedra should have obeyed, it sounded like an order, but-

“What happened?” She repeated, taking a step forward. Tracyn also headed toward her, holding out an arm so she could take Dedra’s. 

“At least sit down.”

Finally Dedra obeyed, shivering a bit from the cold water on her skin. Maybe she should change into something warmer, temperature changes weren’t good for the baby-

“Dedra,” Tracyn began. “Syril is alive.” 

“What?” She echoed, a sharp chuckle of disbelief escaping her mouth. “What do you mean? He was shot in the head.”

“Lateral frontal lobe,” Tracyn murmured, like that should mean something to Dedra. 

“It’s very rare, but it’s possible to survive,” Rine said calmly. 

Dedra’s hand dug into the arm of the chair she sat on. “Are you saying he’s here?”

“He was transferred from Ghorman in a medical frigate,” Tracyn confirmed. “I thought he could recover here. The Rebellion wasn’t keen to take him, no matter what I said, and Ghor medical facilities were rather… occupied. I figured he deserved a chance to recover somewhere.”

“I see,” Dedra murmured, and stood on shaky feet. 

Kilyr was certainly awake now. She could feel his head pressing against her belly button. Did he somehow recognize his father’s name? Did Dedra talk about him that much? 

“Does that mean I should see him?” 

A small kick she figured meant yes.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say,” Dedra whispered. “I still feel so guilty… but I suppose I owe it to him. And to you.”

Dedra pulled a new shirt over her head.

“It’s just so complicated, you see?” She braided her hair quickly and kept talking, for whatever reason. If anyone were watching she’d probably seem crazy, but Dedra believed that on some level, her son would listen and understand. She wanted to be more honest with people, surely this was an okay place to start. 

“Some might consider us—“ she hopped around miserably on one foot trying to get a new pair of pants on while also not able to see her toes or bend completely at the waist. “Broken up. I was just too focused on my work, and I forgot how to love. I never really knew, honestly, but I should have separated from my work before it was too late.”

One foot into a boot, then the other.

“And then even after he left I found out about you. So maybe we were supposed to find each other again. At least I’ll be able to ask for forgiveness.”

Kilyr stretched and her womb rippled. So he was listening. 

“You think he’ll be alright with that?”

A foot or an elbow jammed into her, and she grimaced a bit. “You seem very enthusiastic. Did you plan this?”

And because she could put it off no longer, Dedra left the room. Tracyn was still waiting in the kitchen. 

“You’re sure about this?”

“I owe it to him.” Dedra set her jaw. “Even if he can’t love me again, I know he’ll love Kilyr, and so we need to figure something out.”

He was asleep when they arrived.

“It’s normal,” Cole assured them. “He could sleep for days, even weeks. The brain can’t regenerate, but it can heal itself if it’s allowed to.”

Weeks. Dedra didn’t like the sound of that. “What can you tell me about his injury?”

Besides the obvious, “he was shot in the head” nonsense . I need specifics. 

“The brain’s frontal lobe is primarily what controls movement, memory and executive function.”

“Which means…?”

“It may not be your Syril who wakes up. And even if he does, the likelihood of remembering everything is slim.”

That didn’t sit well with Dedra. He may wake up, he may not, he might remember her, he may not.

She’ll be honest anyway. She’ll do the one thing she never did for anyone: Beg. She’ll beg for forgiveness. 

“He was conscious for a few moments when he first arrived,” Cole said, like an afterthought. “He was only saying one thing.”

“What?”

“Your name. Over and over again, under his breath. Like he was afraid he’d forget how to say it.”

That hurt. 

Syril had been angry at her when he left her apartment. He should never have thought of her again.

Yet the last thing he’d said or thought was her. 

“I’d like to sit,” she said. Cole nodded, and led her to Syril’s bed.

His head was bandaged and his eyes were closed, but what she saw of his curls still appeared soft and malleable like before he would apply gel every morning. His face was unshaven; she’d never seen that much hair on his chin. 

But under that, was still her Syril.

As foolish as she felt talking to her unborn son, talking to Syril’s unconscious body was worse. She hated wasting words… but that just seemed to be another thing that changed without the Empire around.

Dedra sat. 

She didn’t know what she was doing or waiting for, but she felt she owed it to him to be here. 

So she waited. Tracyn brought her dinner, and she dozed off holding Syril’s hand…

She woke when the room’s fan turned on, she was so sensitive to temperature now that she was pregnant. She could probably change clothes but didn’t want to leave his side.

Groaning, Dedra sat up and saw blue eyes staring at her. 

“Syril,” she gasped. 

How long has he been awake? How long has he been staring at me?

Syril said nothing, just stared. Some of Cole’s warnings came back to her. 

“Can you talk?” She asked. “Are you comfortable?”

More staring. She was… oddly nervous.

“I’m sorry,” she blabbered. “You must hate me. I sent you to Ghorman, and then—“

“ Dedra .” He looked so relaxed, like he didn’t even understand her words, just knew and appreciated that she was there.

Something he was plugged into beeped. Dedra was about to call for help when Ciri hurried in. 

“What is it?” She demanded. “What’s wrong?” 

“His heart rate spiked for a second there. I think you make him excited, ma’am.” Ciri flashed Dedra a grin and a knowing look. 

“Do I, now?” She asked. 

Syril had a small smile on his face, staring at her reverently. He hadn’t said anything except for her name.

“Look at me, Mr. Karn,” Ciri prompted, and Syril forced himself to look away from Dedra and into the doctor’s eyes.

“Follow my finger,” Ciri said. “Good. Look up, down…”

Dedra had many concussions back in her academy days and this protocol was not lost on her. It annoyed her then, but now it was extraordinary: a few hours ago, Syril had been dead to her, and now he was breathing, moving, talking…

“Squeeze my hand.” 

That was the first time Syril hesitated. He looked down to where his hand was, then back up. 

“Alright, what about the left?” 

Syril thought about it for a few beats, and then finally moved. Dedra felt herself breathe a sigh of relief as he obeyed the doctor’s orders.

“Good. Can you try the right one more time?”

“Sorry.” Syril said quietly, shaking his head.

“Can you feel this?” Ciri asked, reaching out to touch Syril’s right shoulder. 

“No.” 

Dedra’s heart sank. 

“That’s alright,” Ciri smiled kindly. He had the same face as Cole, and a similar demeanor after working together with his brother for years. “I’ll let you two keep talking. If you need anything, I’m just down the hall.”

“What’s the last thing you remember?” Dedra prompted gently after Ciri left. She wondered if he could feel her squeezing his right hand. 

“Um…” he looked upward like he could see his own thoughts. “I think… We were somewhere else. It was very bright.”

My apartment, Dedra thought. 

“I think we were fighting.”

Dedra sat up straighter, and took his hand between hers. “Yes. We were. Some things… happened, Syril. And I need to tell you.” 

He waited for her to continue. She wondered how far back she needed to go. 

“Do you remember the Empire?”

“I… think so.”

Dedra paused. It was a silly question, the Empire had always been there, she needed to be more specific. 

“Do you remember Ghorman?” 

Syril got a far off look in his eye like he was doing his best to recall. Eventually, he met her eyes again and shook his head. “Is that what we were fighting about?”

“Yes. It was an operation I was in charge of, and it hurt a lot of people.” 

Why am I speaking like this? 

“And you knew it was going to hurt people, but I didn’t care. And so we fought.”

And so you left. 

“It sounds less worse than it was. I’m sorry, Syril, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

I do. I do know what’s wrong with me. I’m pregnant and hormonal and I already don’t like to admit when I’m wrong.  It’s like a bad taste in my mouth that I can’t get out.

“Dedra,” he assured her. “You left.”

“Hmm? Left what?”

“The Empire,” he said. “That makes me very happy. I wanted to leave, too.”

The revelation brought tears to her eyes. He was more honest when he was hurt, almost like he was drunk or something.

He stared at her for a few more moments, then his brow screwed up, confused. She could almost see him buffering.

“Dedra?” He asked, as if their last conversation hadn’t happened. “Are we fighting? I just left your apartment and I—“ 

His eyes widened in fear. “I don’t— Remember anything. ”

She squeezed his hand again, wiped her eyes with the other. “That’s okay, Syril. I can remind you again. I have a lot to apologize for.”

“Apologize?” He asked, “why?”

The tears threatened to fall again. She would apologize for the rest of her life if she had to. 

“Ghorman,” she began again. “I ordered a massacre, Syril. I almost killed you.”

“I’m sure you were just doing your job.” 

Okay. A bit more information this time, I must be getting closer to his true thoughts. 

“I should have known it was a bad job,” this conversation was turning into the same one she’d had with Tracyn a few days ago.

“Dedra,” Syril’s eyes were so, so soft and welcoming. “I don’t remember everything, but I’m pretty sure it was all we knew. It was like a fog.”

Keep telling yourself that, like I do. 

Maybe one day we’ll believe it.

“Yeah,” she agreed. “A fog.” 

“But we’re out now.” Syril looked around as if for the first time. “Where are we, anyway?” 

“It’s a planet called Pabu,” Dedra explained. “I’d never heard of it before visiting.” 

Syril’s face screwed up in a yawn. “Will you be here when I wake up? I’m worried that it’s a dream.”

“I will, I promise.” 

As Syril slipped back into unconsciousness, Dedra went over all he’d said. She’d said her part, but based on how quickly Syril forgot their first conversation she wondered if he’d retain anything about the second. He moved from topic to topic rather abruptly, and without their Imperial resources to medication to help focus she suspected this was truer to how his mind worked. 

Is he paralyzed? She recalled the haunted look in his eyes when asked to move his arm. He was obviously upset and desperate.

You told him everything you intended to. You apologized— and it seems like he’s accepted it. 

For now.

Chapter Text

Dedra wrapped her arms around herself, still cold without anything to distract her. There was a small pull out bed on the wall opposite her. She could sleep there tonight. 

As she settled, Kilyr turned a somersault that ended in a limb pressing against her navel. 

Somehow, she’d forgotten to mention him.

“I’m sorry, little guy, it’s just not time yet. I need him to be a little better.” She apologized. “You saw how much he couldn’t remember.”

Fine, Kilyr seemed to say and backed off. Dedra did her best to get comfortable, turning on her left side and tucking her arm under her head. The other slid protectively around her belly like it had been doing ever since she had a bump. Funny how these things worked.

It seemed that as soon as she closed her eyes, Syril was awake again. Dedra woke to Cole bustling around the room, doing the same tests as Ciri had yesterday, just more extensively. 

“Nothing here?” Cole asked as he hovered the scanner over his leg. Syril shook his head. 

“I’m sorry, Mr. Karn, we’ll give it more time, but I think the damage is enough that you’re paralyzed from the waist down.”

“No!” Dedra exclaimed, and both men turned to look at her. “What do you mean?”

“He’ll need extensive physical therapy.” 

“For how long?” 

“Possibly forever.”

“That’s fine,” Dedra said. “It’ll be fine.” 

“We can start as soon as you’re comfortable,” Cole continued. “According to the records, there hasn’t been any swelling in your brain for a substantial amount of time, so you can begin to return to normal activities as long as they aren’t too strenuous. You can take these painkillers every twelve hours, but be sure not to add any other medicines in without checking with me for interactions.”

“But, I still don’t remember a good chunk of time,” Syril protested. 

“It may come back to you, but I’m sure Dedra will be more than happy to walk you through everything you’ve… missed.” Cole gave a pointed glance toward her, and Dedra knew he was gently prodding her to tell Syril about the baby. 

She waited until they were alone. 

“Syril—“ She began, just as he said her name.

“You first,” he said.

“No, you,” she was glad for a chance to stall.

“Alright…” Syril cleared his throat. “Now, I know I don’t remember much of anything, but what I do remember is you. I can tell you’re nervous about something.”

“You could say that.”

“You know you can tell me anything.”

I know. 

“I never thought you could have survived, so it never occurred to me how to tell you this, but…” Dedra again tried to stall.

Spit it out!

Was that her or Kilyr talking?

“I’m pregnant.”

Syril’s eyes widened in disbelief. “How?”

She hoped he wasn’t serious. Or maybe it was more of how was I able to end up with such a beautiful woman and not I have no memory of how babies are made.

The amnesia was proving to be a pain to work through. His delayed processing was making it worse. 

But it had only been a few days. She had all the time to give him now, so he could recover. She had time to be patient.

“I know we never got the chance to talk about it before this time, but I can’t imagine not going through with it,” she said firmly. “So, even if you can’t forgive me, I hope you can still love him.”

“This was what you were afraid to tell me?” He asked, eyes still twinkling.

“I thought you were dead, Syril!” Her voice rose in distress, all the emotion from the past few days was finally flowing out of her as she babbled about how guilty she felt about being pregnant and not taking good care of Kilyr and all of the guilt she felt over what happened to Syril.

“I don’t blame you,” Syril repeated. “I don’t even remember what happened.”

“And that’s supposed to make it better ?”  

“Well, I hoped it would,” he added quietly, pressing his hand to his forehead.

“Does it hurt?” Dedra asked.

“Yeah. Can you… perhaps talk a little softer? And maybe turn down the lights.”

That gave her something to do for a few moments as she crossed the room and dimmed the lights. Eight steps to collect herself as she felt Syril’s eyes watching her.

“What?” She asked.

“I never thought I’d get to be a dad,” he admitted. “I didn’t think it was a good idea while I was— while we were— so involved with the Empire.” 

“I’m terrified about it,” Dedra admitted. “But I’ve made friends here, and I have support, and it’s really changed everything for me. I can’t wait for you to meet them.”

Syril paused, looking her up and down. His eyes settled pointedly on her abdomen. “Can I?”

She nodded, and placed his hand right over her navel where Kilyr tended to jam an elbow or a foot into. This morning, he tumbled with excitement.

“I hope I remember this,” Syril murmured. 

“I don’t think he’ll let you forget. He’s certainly been ordering me around.”

“So it’s a boy?”

“I’ve been calling him Kilyr. I’m not sure why; we can change it if you want.”

“No, that’s perfect,” Syil grinned. “Kilyr Meero.”

“Meero?” Dedra repeated. “Why not Karn?”

“It seems most right.”

Dedra sensed they’d revisit this conversation, but decided not to worry about it too much. Living in the moment, and all that.

She grimaced a bit at one of Kilyr’s kicks. Syril’s eyes flitted to her, concerned.

“He tends to use my ribs as a target,” Dedra said. 

“Oh, really?” Syril looked down at her bump in a scolding manner. “Kilyr Meero, be nice to your mother!”

The kicks stopped for a few moments. Syril smiled, satisfied with himself. 

“I’m glad you’re back,” Dedra blurted, suddenly sentimental. “I know we’d technically ended things, but…”

“I don’t remember doing that,” Syril protested. “So maybe, we can just, I dunno, rewind a bit and start over? Without the Empire around, it’s sure to make a difference.”

“Yeah,” Dedra agreed. “We could do that.” 

“So no more apologizing,” he teased, reaching out to wipe a tear from her cheek. How embarrassing, she’d not even realized it was there-

“Syril!” She gasped.

“What? What is it?” He pulled back. “Is it Kilyr?”

“No, your hand!”

His brow screwed up in confusion, but then he realized. His left hand was the one reaching for Kilyr. His right hand, which he couldn’t move last night, was now hovering inches from Dedra’s cheek. 

“Well, that’s good.” He said, flipping his hand over to look at it. “I wasn’t even thinking about it.” 

“That’s good,” she repeated, shifting awkwardly in such a slow moment. “Are you hungry? Kilyr and I certainly are.”

“What, are you gonna cook for me for a change?” He teased. 

“Actually, I’ve been practicing. Wait here for a second, let me see if we can get you out of here.”

“I’ll stay right here.” 

She couldn’t tell if he was trying to make a bad joke about his legs. That was something they’d need to talk about: she couldn’t help maneuver him while pregnant, and not for too long after giving birth. It’d likely be up to someone else, and Syril would probably hate it.

But, they’d learn.

Riné and Tracyn seemed excited to see her when she came back into the kitchen and asked to use it for a few hours. 

“Don’t we get to meet him?” Tracyn fake-whined. 

“If you promise to be nice,” Dedra shot back. “No bad jokes or embarrassing stories. He’s overwhelmed enough as it is.”

“You told him?” Riné asked and Dedra nodded. 

“So, it’s a good overwhelmed, right?” 

“Yeah, I think so. But he’s likely paralyzed, at least for a little while. That’s our main concern.”

“Cole will be more than happy to help. Or one of the boys can do it.”

“I know, but I don’t think the reality’s set in yet.”

Riné smiled sympathetically. “Okay. Tracyn and I will be somewhere else until you let us say hi. The little ones are at school.”

“Thank you,” Dedra said, and then returned to the medcenter.

Cole was in Syril’s room, running some kind of test on his hand. 

“His muscles aren’t as responsive as I’d like, but still functioning. I think most of yesterday’s troubles were from being disoriented, not paralyzed.” 

Dedra cringed at the sight of the large needle Cole withdrew from Syril’s arm. “What was that?”

“A small electrode to see the muscle responses.” Cole cleaned off the end. “I’ll take a look at your legs tonight, give your body more time to heal. For now, get some food in him, Dedra.”

“Riné just lent your kitchen, so that’s the plan.” 

“I’ll find a hoverchair.” 

Syril watched him go, then turned to Dedra. “He’s probably the nicest doctor I’ve met.”

“I’ve been staying with his family the past few weeks. Everyone here is so different from what I’m used to; it was a bit of a culture shock.” Dedra folded her arms. “And they don’t even care that we were once part of the Empire.”

“That’s nice,” Syril agreed, dazed. His eyes glued themselves to her abdomen again. 

“You’re pregnant?” He asked, and if he hadn’t repeated yesterday’s conversation so much Dedra would have been annoyed. Instead, she just smiled and nodded.

“I don’t believe it.”

“Well, you have about four months to wrap your mind around it now.”

“More like, three and a half,” Cole said as he came back in. “Sorry; I couldn’t help but overhear. You ready, Syril?”

“I think so,” he agreed, already flushing a bit out of embarrassment. “Can I try on my own first?” 

“Sure. I’ll be right here.”

Dedra held her breath as Syril moved, using his arms to help twist his lower body. His legs were moving, sure, but she didn’t know if it was his own accord.

Cole held out his arms on either side of Syril to help stabilize him, and his whole body shook with effort as he pulled himself into a standing position. It was the longest few seconds of Dedra’s life until Syril came crashing down. 

“I can’t-“ Syril’s face was wide with shock as he fell forward, legs buckling under him. “I can’t walk— I can’t feel my legs—“

“Syril,” Dedra knelt next to him, redirecting his focus. “Syril, it’s alright. We’ll keep working on it. Cole, do I need to get Aay’han?”

“Yeah, probably. My back’s not what it used to be.”

Tracyn’s twin brother was deceptively strong. He lifted Syril by the shoulders and placed him easily in the chair. Not a hint of judgment passed between any of them, which noticeably helped Syril relax.

“I’m sorry you had to see that,” he murmured as she walked beside him. 

“Why?” 

Syril looked down and fiddled with his hands. “I’m not really sure. Maybe I just don’t like feeling like a burden.”

“It’s a hoverchair, Syril. It’s not the end of the world. I’ve had to use one before, it just means people are more likely to get out of your way.”

“When was this?”

“Ten years ago. I had a birth control implant put in and the pain was so bad I couldn’t walk for two days.”

“Obviously, that didn’t work,” he said lightly. The truth was that it had probably just expired, and Dedra was too busy to have it checked on before it was too late. Whatever, it was gone now, replaced by the very thing it was supposed to prevent.

“So, who is this family you’ve become close with?” Syril asked, shielding his eyes from the bright sun. She’d probably need to put sunscreen on him if they chose to spend time outside. 

“I met Tracyn on Narkina Five. She was the Rebel officer who interviewed me,” Dedra’d almost forgotten about that memory. “I think she took pity on me being pregnant, but she invited me here and we’ve been friends ever since.”

“I thought you didn’t have friends.”

“Lieutenant Meero doesn’t,” Dedra corrected. “But Dedra does.” 

“Just like Lieutenant Meero didn’t have a lover, either.”

“Precisely. Lieutenant Meero’s been gone for a long time, I found I don’t like her much anymore.”

Syril hummed, subconsciously matching the pitch of the hoverchair. “Isn’t that how we met, too? An interrogation?”

“Yeah.”

“Funny how that works.” 

He didn’t say anything as they entered the modest house, just looked around at the obvious signs of a happy family: holos on the walls, children’s toys on the floor. 

“I’m working on this,” Dedra held up some yarn and a half-finished blanket. “For Kilyr. I’m nowhere near as skilled as Tracyn or Riné, but I wanted to try.”

“It’s beautiful. I can’t believe you’re a craftswoman now.”

“I guess I’ve had the time,” Dedra turned back to the kitchen and rolled up her sleeves. “Well. Sit back— I’m going to make you my famous Mala-fish breakfast casserole.”

Chapter Text

The next few weeks were bittersweet: Kilyr began to meet viability milestones and allowed them to breathe a sigh of relief; but that was dulled by the realization that Syril would never walk again, the nerves of his legs were completely unresponsive. 

It was harrowing news, but Dedra was determined to keep her spirits up mostly for him. 

“I’ve been looking at places for us,” she said one night at the dinner table with Cole and Rinè. The younger kids were already getting ready for bed, Tracyn was out talking to Aidan on the comm, and Aay’han had the overnight shift. “It’s been wonderful to stay here with you, but as soon as I’m able to lift Syril on my own, we’ll be out of your way.”

“It’s no bother, really,” Rinè assured them as if she hadn’t moved around all her children so that there was an extra bed to be squished into the one in Tracyn’s room to make a bed big enough for both of them. 

“We want to start our own little space, too. It’s not like we’re leaving the planet, we’ll probably be just over the hill,” Syril added. “Plenty of time to visit.”

“Of course, we understand,” Cole said. “I’ll help make sure it’s accessible.”

“Maybe somewhere near the water,” Syril added blissfully looking out the window. As Dedra had hypothesized, he adored spending time at the beach and talked often about bringing Kilyr there.

“I’m sure we can make that work.”

After helping clear dinner, they went down to the beach, soaking in what could be one of their last beach trips before Kilyr arrived.

The silence was comforting: Syril could fall asleep based solely on the sound of waves crashing on the shore. Dedra, too, seemed so much at peace.

She’d brought a blanket, and on this occasion Cole and Riné had followed them but moved further down the shoreline once Syril was helped out of his chair. 

“Dedra?” 

“Hmm?” She was looking at Kilyr’s recent scan again, and Syril’s head rested on her chest. 

“I… was thinking earlier. Do I have a family?”

Dedra set the datapad down and angled her chin so she could see him looking up at her. “What do you mean? Everyone does.”

“I mean…” Syril swallowed. “I don’t remember. But I see Cole and Rinè and their family and wonder about my parents.”

“You have a mother and an uncle, I believe.” Dedra answered, knowing it was pointless to lie. No matter how much Eedy had hurt her, she was still Syril’s mother. 

“Do you think I should reach out to her? She must be heartbroken if they told her I was dead like you thought.”

“Your mother is hard to please,” Dedra said, doing her best to choose her words carefully. “But, in her own way I do think she loves you. Maybe you should reach out just to let her know you’re okay; but if you want her to visit, we’d need to set boundaries.”

Syril said nothing, just hummed a low note that was in tune with the waves. He had a low tenor voice that she was shocked to hear for the first time a few nights ago, she caught him singing a lullaby to Kilyr while he thought she was asleep. Most nights, it worked for both Kilyr and Dedra.

As much as she thought about the self she’d left behind, Dedra saw a new side to Syril, too. He was more… comfortable now. His true mannerisms were coming out. He liked collecting shiny rocks and seashells and organizing them on a shelf in a new manner every day. He couldn’t stand when certain things were unorganized and fixed it immediately. 

He bonded so easily with Talo that Dedra was a bit jealous. One day she caught them testing out just how fast Syril’s hoverchair could go and almost gave her a heart attack; but they were both laughing and the boy was so tired he fell asleep in Syril’s arms later that afternoon, and Syril gave Dedra a look like what do I do this is adorable and I’m afraid to move.

Soon it would be their little boy.

Back in the present, a small red shell caught Syril’s eye and he reached for it, only to find it was a crab that scuttled away. Disappointed, he turned back to Dedra.

“I’ll think about it. If I don’t bring it up can you remind me?”

“Sure,” Dedra added it to the datapad. On it she kept several small reminders and facts.

Your name is Syril. You are 34 years old. You are allergic to dairy products unless they’ve been heat-treated. You’re currently on the planet Pabu. Your partner’s name is Dedra. You a son named Kilyr; he will be born in three weeks. If you are alone and need help or are in pain, call Cole and Aay’han on this frequency.

Dedra edited the entry to add a new line.

Your mother’s name is Eedy. She lives on Coruscant. You are her only child. 

With that done, she closed the window and reopened Kilyr’s latest results. He was estimated to be a little over three kilos, which was over average but still smaller than Dedra felt. 

“He has your nose,” Syril said from below her.

“You think so?” 

“I know so.” 

“Maybe it’ll look different when we see him for real.” Dedra surmised. “And we’ll get to see his hair, too. I bet you win in that regard, blond is recessive.”

“Maybe,” Syril agreed, yawning. It was time to head back to the house and get him situated for bed.

When it came to sleeping, Syril had to be against the wall, lest he fall off and injure himself further. That worked out well since Dedra needed to use the ‘fresher several times a night. Each time she left, Syril would stir and re-attach himself to her once she returned.

Due to pregnancy, Dedra had to sleep on her left side, facing away from him. When his nightmares would come, she’d wake him gently and wrap his arms around her waist since she couldn’t turn around.  It calmed him down, and sometimes he would feel Kilyr’s head pressing against his hand and he would be reassured. Their son was getting bigger and bigger, stealing more and more breath from Dedra. 

“I’m just glad Rinè knows what to do when labor comes. I’d never want to go to a droid for something like this,” Dedra mused one lazy afternoon, when they were yet to get out of bed and discussing random things about the future.

“I’m thinking of extending an olive branch to my mother, on a provisional basis only. If she can behave herself, she can meet Kilyr after he’s born, but she won’t be anywhere near the delivery.”

“That’s fine with me.” Dedra knew that she had backup if things went terribly.

And so it was; they drafted a message together.

“Did I call her ‘mom’ or ‘mother’?”

“Mother,” Dedra said. “You were very formal.”

“Really?” Syril seemed surprised to hear that based on how he and Dedra interacted with Rinè, calling her ‘mama’ informally, and it made her beam every time.

Mother,

I am alive. I am safe, but I am no longer with the Empire. I can’t tell you where I am unless you agree to meet me, and we can work something out. 

A lot has changed; I won’t tell you over this message in case it’s read by someone else.

And please don’t tell Uncle Harlo.

(Dedra thought that line was amusing.)

Your son, 

Syril

Of course Eedy responded within an hour, demanding answers, but Syril held his ground. They sent Tracyn to pick her up with strict instructions on how to find her, and Tracyn was already good at covering up her footsteps. 

“Don’t let her talk too much,” Dedra pulled Tracyn aside to give her a few warnings. “She’s… a lot.”

“You don’t want her here.”

“I don’t, but Syril needs to see this for himself.”

Tracyn squeezed her hand before leaving. Syril was still in the ‘fresher being assisted (a fact which annoyed him), but Cole never once judged, even when assuring Syril that ‘everything still works down there’ with a wink and a good natured shoulder slap. Dedra could sit down to help bathe Syril and change his shirt, but bending over for anything was too hard. 

Kilyr hiccuped uneasily all morning, like he was picking up on her emotions. Dedra distracted herself by cleaning, which she’d never done so much of in her entire life: Rinè called it ‘nesting’, and let Dedra do her thing even though she was kind of rearranging Rinè’s home.

“I just need everything to be perfect,” Dedra murmured, determined to make a good impression. Well, again. She had no idea what Eedy was going to say when she saw Dedra. 

However, when the dreaded moment came, Eedy still managed to shock her. 

“You’re looking… large.” She said, looking up at Dedra with her piercing eyes. 

“Syril’s still getting ready,” Dedra gestured to the couch in Rine’s living room. 

“Not here to greet his own mother?” 

There was a clatter in the kitchen; Tracyn coughed and poured herself a glass of water. Dedra tried not to laugh at the fact she was flipping the bird behind Eedy’s back.

“Be nice!” Rinè chided her daughter in their language. 

“You don’t even have your own home, and you expect Syril to stay with you? This is quite unorthodox, Dedra dear. A child needs a stable home.”

“I think you’ll find things operate quite differently around here.”

“How far along are you, anyhow?” 

“Thirty-six weeks.”

“And you’re sure it’s just one?”

Dedra raised an eyebrow, “excuse me?”

“I wasn’t that big with Syril. He was an easy pregnancy, always quiet. Terrible birth, though. I was too young to have a baby, really, and there was so much blood that-“

“Mother,” Syril said from the hallway. Eedy whirled around, and her face immediately soured. 

“What in the nine hells, Syril!” 

Clearly that wasn’t anything near what Syril was expecting to hear from her, and Dedra felt a tad guilty for letting him reach out to Eedy after seeing his face fall.

“It’s nothing,” Syril said. “I’ll manage.”

Eedy scoffed. “Not with her! You expect her to be able to help in her condition? Why didn’t you call me sooner! I would have taken you back to Coruscant.”

“I need to be here for now. I told you, I’m managing.”

“You can hardly take care of yourself.” 

“I have a wonderful medical team,” Syril insisted. “This is Cole, and Rinè. You know Tracyn already.”

“Delightful…” Eedy did not shake any hands. 

“Let’s eat!” Dedra said before things became more awkward. And she actually was terribly hungry. Eedy seemed almost offended by the fact that Syril had to be lifted into a dining chair (he hated using the hoverchair at the table) and also by the fact she wasn’t given a seat next to him.

“The end of the table is where guests sit. It’s tradition.” Rinè said politely. 

“Your tradition, maybe.” Eedy murmured as she sat. Riné’s eyebrows furrowed a bit, and Dedra noticed Cole place a hand on her shoulder. 

Strike two, Eedy.

“What is this?”

“It’s a fish curry, Rinè and I made it.” Dedra said. “I wouldn’t make Syril cook in his condition.”

Syril kept his eyes on his plate, cheeks hot. Dedra could tell he was regretting this. Her hand sought out his under the table and squeezed.

“That explains the smell.” 

Tracyn’s chair scraped the floor as she stood up with her plate. “I’m going to take some to Aay’han and eat with him.”

“How many children do you have?” Eedy wondered, watching Tracyn walk away. Rinè didn’t catch her tone.

“Six,” Cole answered for his wife. “Three sons and three daughters.” 

“I wish I could have had a daughter,” Eedy sighed. “Alas, it wasn’t to be, was it, Syril?”

He murmured something. 

Dedra was extremely close to following Tracyn out the door. But she wouldn’t. 

“How long will you be stuck in that chair, Syril?” Eedy asked her son. “Babies need an active father, you know. Dedra won’t be able to do it all herself.”

“Forever,” Syril murmured. 

“What?” Eedy leaned forward like she didn’t hear properly.

“It’s permanent, mother. I had brain surgery and I’m lucky that I can still use any of my limbs. I was hoping you’d at least be happy about that.”

“I couldn’t imagine being paralyzed…” Eedy went off again, and Dedra needed a moment.

“Your grandson is kicking my bladder,” she said pointedly to Eedy, throwing down her napkin as she went down the hall. Dedra heard Cole snickering, which turned into a cough when Rinè presumably nudged him.

I’m sorry, Syril. Dedra took a few moments to collect herself, she really did have to go, but her stomach was also terribly unsettled. 

She gave herself fifteen minutes of peace before heading back to the table, just in time to hear more of Eedy’s nonsense.

“How long were you away for?”

“Just a few months at a time,” Syril said. “I had deployments.”

Eedy leaned closer to her son. “Are you sure it’s yours, Syril?” 

Dedra was a great actor; but she wasn’t sure how much of it was acting in the moment as she burst into tears. Every insult and micro-aggression just built up and she couldn’t hold it in any longer. 

But something was different now. The old Syril, before Ghorman- he would have walked away and let Dedra deal with Eedy herself. Now, however— if Syril could stand up and leer over his mother, he would have. Instead he lowered his voice. 

“Leave.”

Eedy looked offended. “What?”

“Leave, mother. I’ve given you too many chances and all you seem to be able to do is insult my partner and our child. Letting you back in was a mistake.”

“Syril, I-“

“Goodbye,” Syril said and turned back to his food. His hand trembled as he lifted a spoonful to his lips, all while Eedy tried to get him to look at her.

It happened so fast. 

Eedy stalked toward Dedra and lifted a hand in the air as if to strike her, only to be stopped by an invisible hand. 

Rinè.

Eedy turned in shock. “You- Jedi!”

“Get out of my house,” Rinè said. “You can walk away, or I can throw you out.”

“This is your fault!” Eedy exploded as Cole began leading her away. “Syril was such a sweet boy before he met you and now he’s turned against his own mother?”

Cole’s leading began a drag, but Dedra still caught the last of her rant before the door closed. 

“He’ll never walk again because of you!” 

Dedra thought that since she was gone, maybe the tears would stop. They’d done their job, gotten Eedy to leave… but they didn’t stop.

“One hour and forty-seven minutes,” Cole said, looking at his watch as he came back in. “Tracyn owes me ten credits, she thought she wouldn’t last more than an hour.”

“Cole!” Rinè exclaimed.

Dedra’s tears slowly turned to laughter as she realized they’d bet on this absolute disaster of a visit. Syril was looking at Rinè in shock— had he not known she was a Jedi.

“She’ll report you,” he said.

“No, she won’t,” Dedra said firmly. “Because then she’d also be reporting us.”

Syril leaned his head into his hands, and Dedra knew it was about to be a hard night. Cole and Rinè slowly left after making sure Syril was back in his chair.

“I’m sorry,” she murmured, fingers digging into Syril’s shoulders as she hugged him. 

“Kriff, Dedra,” he said softly. “I’m the one who should be apologizing; if I’d remembered how she treated us I would have never tried to see her again.”

Us.

“I thought it would be different now with a grandchild involved,” Dedra admitted, slowly beginning to calm down. 

“She won’t be near him. Ever.” Syril said before she could continue that thought. “I’ve seen what a good mother and a healthy family relationship is now, and my mother is not. I don’t know how many chances she’s gotten, but that was her last one. I hope she enjoyed seeing me for the last time.”

Dedra slowly began to laugh, shaking Syril’s body with her. 

“What?” He asked.

“The first time I met your mother I thought about how…” she flushed. “Attractive it would be if you actually put her in her place. Now that it’s happened, I was right. Hearing you talk to her about me…”

“It’s true, all of it.”

“She made me doubt myself—“

“Dedra, she’s gone now.” Syril said firmly, wrapping his arms tighter around her and practically pulling her into his lap. Dedra doubted the chair would support them both but she was willing to try. 

“Let’s go back to the room,” Syril murmured, picking up on her thoughts so easily. There on the bed he could sit up better; let Dedra fold herself into his arms as best she could now. Holding her was as nice as when she held him, they’d have to explore this new aspect of love language.

Within seconds, Dedra was asleep. She was so tired lately, Syril almost felt it odd to see. He knew it was the pregnancy, but wondered how often Dedra avoided sleep before all of this. Being on her feet all day preparing to host couldn’t help.

He moved slowly so she didn’t wake, placing a pillow behind his back and tugging a blanket over her: the advantage to not being able to feel his legs was that she could use his lap as a pillow for as long as she wanted. The whole night, even. 

For the seventh time that night (or early morning), Dedra had to wake to use the ‘fresher, but didn’t return to bed. It was still dark outside, but the sun would be rising soon and she figured she might watch. 

It seemed Rinè had the same idea, because Dedra wasn’t alone on the patio. The woman Dedra regarded as a mother patted the seat next to her, and Dedra took the invitation, leaning her head onto her shoulder. 

“Sorry I lost my temper yesterday,” Rinè said. “I hope it didn’t scare you.”

“No, no, it was fine,” Dedra insisted. “Really; Syril finally stood up for himself, and now she’s gone forever. For all I’m concerned, you’re Kilyr’s grandmother. I’m sure Syril feels similarly.”

“Is he what’s keeping you up?”

Dedra sighed, “I went to use the ‘fresher and my back hurt like crazy. I don’t see myself getting comfortable again when it feels like Kilyr’s jamming vibroblades into my spine and hips. I didn’t think he could kick that far back.”

“Typically not,” Rinè’s eyebrows folded together. “Where exactly does it hurt? And is it constant or more like a pulse?”

“More like a pulse,” Dedra said, turning around so she could point it out: the area above her tailbone and nearly inappropriate but whatever. 

“It’s like that really uncomfortable feeling when your cycle hits, but you’re not bleeding yet, but you might be, and you definitely aren’t going to eat anything because your stomach is in knots.”

“Is that so?”

“Does it mean anything?”

“It could mean you’re in labor,” Rinè said calmly. “Let’s give it time, tell me what you’re feeling if anything changes.” 

“Seriously?!” Dedra exclaimed. “This is it? I thought it would hurt more.”

“The holofilms are never realistic. It’s usually a slow buildup unless something is wrong. We’ll let Syril sleep and get some food in you for now; you’ll need it later.”

In a daze, Dedra obeyed. “Isn’t it early? I should have three weeks left.”

“We likely were off a few weeks calculating your due date, but three weeks doesn’t make all that much of a difference since his lungs are fully developed.” 

“You promise?” Dedra asked, as if Rinè wasn’t an experienced midwife who’d done this dozens of times.

“Promise,” Rinè assured her. “See if you can get some more rest, Dedra. I’ll get everything ready.”

Chapter Text

Despite how nervous she was, Dedra managed to go back to sleep for a few hours. She didn’t tell Syril about the labor yet, just in case it was false.

As time passed, however, she doubted it was. 

“Dedra?” Syril’s voice outside the ‘fresher door. “Are you alright? It’s been thirty minutes.”

“I’m fine,” Dedra lied. In reality, she was panicking. There was going to be a whole tiny human exiting her body in a few hours, and she looked terrible. 

“I need a favor,” she said, peeking out of the ‘fresher.

“Anything,” Syril agreed, and she moved out of the way so they could fit Syril’s chair into the small room.

“I need you to shave me,” she gestured to her crotch, embarrassed to say the word out loud despite how up close and personal things were about to get down there.

“ What ?” 

“I mean it, Syril. I can’t even see around this giant bump of your son , and I’m not giving birth with hair all over down there.” 

“I don’t think I’m strong enough to hold a razor—“ Syril began, and pulled back in fright when Dedra’s back arched and she hissed sharply in pain.

“What is it?” 

“Nothing. Just do it.”

“Dedra, I don’t like this. It’s really not as big a deal as you think it is.” 

“ Fine! ” She stomped out of the room, feeling the sudden urge to throw something down the hallway. 

“Is something wrong?” Syril asked, his chair humming as it came up behind her. 

“Rinè said I’m in labor.”

Syril’s eyes widened, and his cheeks paled. “Shouldn’t you sit down?” 

“Not if I don’t want to. Right now I’m just going to distract myself until the pain gets worse.”

Syril followed her into the living area, where Dedra plopped down like a toddler throwing a tantrum. “This is taking too long.”

“It’s been two hours, Dedra,” Rinè called from the kitchen. “You’ve hardly dipped your toe in, I’m afraid. Here, eat some of this. You need protein.”

Syril just watched, almost frozen with fear. They’d talked about these moments before several times; Dedra was a planner, after all, but so far none of it was following said plan.

“I have to get the kids ready for school,” Rinè said after setting the tray of egg and rice on the table. “Syril, make sure she eats.”

Dedra watched her belly ripple before the odd pain continued to her thighs, making her clench involuntarily.

“Please, Dedra?” Syril asked. “You need to keep your strength up.” 

He was right and she knew it. And so, Dedra let him feed her, focusing on how his face screwed up in concentration as he lifted each bite to her mouth, cupping his non-dominant hand under the spoon to catch any that spilled.

“You’re getting good at this,” she joked lightly.

“I’ve been practicing. Soon I’ll be telling Kilyr, ‘here comes the TIE Fighter.’”

She huffed a laugh when he mimed flying around with the next spoonful, only to have its contents unceremoniously fall to the floor. 

Syril sighed, defeated. Dedra felt another pain course through her lower body and forced herself to breathe out slowly.

“Rinè said walking can help prepare the body more, open my hips and help him drop or something,” Dedra’s head was currently swimming with information, she was not used to feeling this unorganized. She knew her body, though, and it needed to move . 

Syril held his arm out like he was going to help her stand. Endearing, but Dedra would probably pull him out of the chair she felt so heavy. She wasn’t paying attention to how much weight she gained with the pregnancy, but if she had to guess it was a third of her original weight. 

“Y’know, we don’t have to do everything just because Rinè mentioned it,” Syril’s voice was wavering just a bit, seeing how Dedra swayed and closed her eyes to ground herself. 

“I’m going to try a little bit; she’s done this before and I haven’t, and my hips are kind of small anyway so if there’s a way to help them open more, I’ll take it.”

“I think they’re perfect.” 

She gave a half smile. “Thank you, Syril. Your son might think differently as he exits my body.”

She always calls him your son when she’s annoyed, Syril noted. Just the other day it was ‘your grandson’ when his mother was here.

He still felt terrible about that whole encounter, part of him wondered if it was the stress of his mother that started the labor in the first place.

They weren’t going to brave the walk down to the beach with Dedra struggling, instead she stayed close to the walls and patio, leaning on them for support every few minutes. Syril did his best to distract her from said pain, but knew she was probably embracing it because Dedra tended not to be distracted by anything when her mind was made up.

“He’s definitely moving,” she narrated. Syril decided not to mention how her waddle was much more prominent now thanks to said movement.

“Good?” He asked when she stopped for a rather long time. One of her arms shot out and gripped his shoulder tightly, and he wordlessly squeezed back in what little support it felt he could. 

“Let’s head back,” she said, through gritted teeth. Syril seemed so happy to be involved just by holding her hand. 

After the walk, she climbed back into bed, wanting to close her eyes for just a few more hours. Syril folded a pillow between her knees, supporting her hips as she breathed slowly through each pain.

“You’re doing wonderfully,” he murmured, brushing some hair out of her face as she squeezed his hand.

“I’m hardly doing anything yet,” she protested, grimacing. “Can you braid my hair?”

“Sure.”

Her blonde hair was longer now, and Syril enjoyed playing with it at any opportunity. Now, however, his hands shook and he could barely manage. 

“Why are you nervous?” She teased.

“I dunno. I’ve never seen this before.” 

“And I’ve never done it before; I suppose we’re even.” Dedra noted him locking the hoverchair. “What’re you doing?”

“Helping,” he insisted, pulling himself onto the bed with his arms right as her eyes shut tightly and a whimper escaped her lips. A few moments later she felt his hands on her lower back, cupping and massaging her aches without being asked. 

It was just them for a few more moments, and then Rinè returned from her motherly duties.

“How’re we doing?” She asked, holding a mug of something that she urged Dedra to take a few sips of. 

“Good, I think.” 

“Mind if I check?” 

“Please.” It was hard to feel uncomfortable around someone Dedra was this close to, even as she looked into one of her most intimate places. 

“I think this is a new record!” She exclaimed. “Seven centimeters in three hours.”

Dedra gave a half hearted thumbs up. “Feeling great. Probably want a bath soon.”

“We can do that,” Riné agreed, “I’ll set it up.”

Syril stayed by her side, rubbing the base of her spine as the next contraction made her back arch. One of her hands clutched another pillow.

“Here,” he whispered, offering his hand. Dedra took it without hesitation and squeezed, hard.

If I hardly had feeling to begin with, I certainly won’t have it now, he thought, trying to keep himself amused. 

“I forgot to ask you to shave,” Dedra groaned.

“No, you tried, I just didn’t want to-“

“Your face.”

“I thought you liked my beard!” 

“If you shave it after Kilyr’s born, it’ll upset him,” Dedra’s voice faded as she buried her face into the crook of her elbow. 

“What’s happening?” He prompted.

“It just got a lot worse.”

“I’m so sorry, Dedra. Do you want to reconsider an epidural, or—?”

“ No !” She said sharply. “I’m giving birth here, not in a stupid medcenter!”

“Sorry, sorry.” He wiped hair away from her face and kissed her forehead. “I’m sorry, Dedra. I’m just trying to help.”

“I know.”

“I can’t believe you’re about to have a baby in my bedroom,” came a voice from the doorway. Tracyn was standing there, a soft smile on her face. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine, I think, given the circumstances.” 

Syril pursed his lips, obviously concerned about how much pain Dedra was in and how much she was hiding. 

“What’d mama say?”

“Seven centimeters.”

Tracyn nodded like she knew something they didn’t, which only worsened Syril’s anxiety.

“Aren’t I supposed to be squeezing your hand and not the other way around?” She asked. “Get back in your chair, I want to move again.”

By ‘move’ she really meant ‘sit up’ with her legs hanging over the side of the bed. Her toes were curling with every contraction. 

“Do you wanna stand?” 

“Mm-hmm.” Dedra nodded, slipping to her feet. Her arms locked behind Syril’s neck, swaying back and forth while his hands steadied on her hips. He mindlessly began to hum, which put her mind at ease. 

“What’s that lullaby you sing for Kilyr?” She asked. “I never actually asked.”

“It’s old, one of the only decent memories I have of my mother. Maybe I should forget about it, but…”

“No, don’t, I like it.” Dedra insisted. “Although, you won’t catch me singing.”

“I can teach you,” he offered.

“Maybe,” Dedra hid a pained noise by clamping her mouth shut. 

“You don’t have to be quiet, the kids are all away for a few days.”

“I know, but it’s—“ Dedra grit her teeth again. “Kriff! It’s so much worse now!”

Tracyn took a step forward. “You could be entering transition. Walk with me.” 

“Already?” 

“Some women just have it easier,” Tracyn commented. “Talo was born in six hours, despite how big he was.”

“That’s reassuring.” 

“Will he be alright if I labor in the tub?” Dedra asked as she and Tracyn limped into the room. 

“Babies are born knowing how to hold their breath,” Rinè assured her. “Many women chose to labor or even birth in the tub. That’s how Tracyn’s cousin Jess’ika was born.”

Reassuring, Dedra thought. 

“I think it would be best to undress at this point,” Rinè said. “I’d wager it’ll be time to push, soon. You’re fully dilated and almost completely effaced.”

“Do I have to?” The truth was, Dedra hated looking at her body now. She thanked it for all the wonderful work it was doing to keep Kilyr safe, but the sight of herself with a bulging stomach and breasts that had grown several sizes was almost… frightening.

“Well, I’d suggest removing the leggings at least,” Rinè said good naturedly. “Don’t want him getting caught.”

That was logical enough. After the next contraction, they used that opportunity to get her undressed and situated. Syril pulled himself out of his chair and maneuvered to the side of the tub, reaching for both of her hands. It gave the appearance of an arm wrestling match, except much more painful.

Suddenly, Dedra felt a peculiar feeling between her legs and looked down like she could see or identify what the problem was. Based on the release of pressure, she guessed it was her waters finally breaking. 

“What’s that?” Syril asked, pale. “Why-why is it red?”

“Contrary to the name, your waters breaking are not clear,” Rinè said calmly. If she wasn’t worried, why was Syril? “Just another step in the process. This little boy of yours is coming in record time, it seems.”

“It’s very bright in here,” Dedra murmured, hiding her eyes in her arms.

Rinè immediately took charge of the situation. “Cyn, find a candle or a lantern or something. Should be in the kitchen.”

“Romantic,” the young woman quipped and Rinè rolled her eyes.

“I guess someone has to keep us relaxed, right?”

A small laugh. Dedra leaned her forehead into her arm for another low, long groan as the stabbing pain ripped her from the inside out. 

“Can you hold me?” She shivered. 

“Anything you need,” Syril agreed. It took more maneuvering, but soon he was seated behind her wearing only his briefs. That felt much better; Dedra could lean back into him and bear down. 

“Please tell me it’s time to push,” she cried. “I don’t think I can do this anymore.” 

She felt Rinè’s cool hand on her belly, pressing and maneuvering around. “That means you’re doing everything right.”

“I want my mom,” Dedra whimpered without thinking. Those fleeting feelings that had tickled the back of her mind as her due date loomed closer; glimpses, the smell of flowery shampoo, came back to the surface. Dedra babbled more, about anything and everything and stopping only to cry out and bear down, using all her weight against Syril’s. 

She wanted to be held— no, she needed to lean forward, then rock back…

“I can’t!” Dedra tossed her head back and forth, her whole body trembling with effort. 

“Yes you can,” Rinè spoke softly. “Feel that, that’s his head.”

“No way—“

“I’m going to reach down and help guide him out, okay? Do you want to help me catch him?” 

“No,” Dedra shook her head frantically back and forth. “No, no, no, no . This isn’t happening! I’m not ready!”

“I need a hand,” Rinè said, and it took Syril a few moments to realize she was talking to him. “I’ll show you what to do. Dedra, next push is a big one, okay? It’ll be his shoulders coming out, Syril and I’ve got him.”

Despite whatever nonsense spilled from her mouth, Dedra’s body still listened and bore down with everything she had. It was embarrassing and felt like she was making a mess, but the next thing she knew Syril was blubbering and she was still sobbing and there was a baby being laid on her chest. A whole tiny human.

“Nineteen twenty-three.” Tracyn called, as Dedra’s chest heaved and her shoulders relaxed. Syril’s hand hadn’t left Kilyr’s body since he’d placed their son on Dedra’s chest. 

“You did it,” he exclaimed breathlessly, pressing his cheek to Dedra’s forehead. She was laser focused on Kilyr, curled up to her chest and emitting sharp cries of overstimulation.

“Hello,” Dedra murmured, combing through the soft, damp curls on her son’s head. Despite being wet, he was still heavy and warm, and tried to burrow his way deeper into his mother’s chest. “Hello, Kilyr. You’re so warm, and I’m so cold.”

Rinè wrapped a blanket around her and checked that the water was still warm, but it was probably just that post-delivery loss of fluids and the hike in adrenaline. 

“Congratulations,” she said softly. “He’s beautiful.” 

Dedra’s teeth chattered as she nodded again. Words were hard; thinking was harder, she just wanted to live in this moment.

“Told you he had your nose,” Syril whispered, grinning.

“You never did shave,” she shot back with a tired smile.

Kilyr made a tiny noise that sounded more like a squeal as he tried to get comfortable. Dedra’s thumb traced his cheek softly, then joined Syril’s hand on Kilyr’s back under the blanket. She didn’t know what this feeling was, but she never wanted it to leave.

She did, however, want to leave the tub. It was hard to give Kilyr up for even a moment, but her legs were still weak and she needed to be carried back to her room. Now, finally, she could show Kilyr everything she’d prepared for his arrival. 

“He’s the most precious thing in the world to me,” Syril whispered, watching Dedra carefully swaddle Kilyr in a blanket. Both parents couldn’t help but melt at the sight of Kilyr’s little mouth screwing up in a yawn.

“I checked him while you were getting situated. He’s perfectly healthy, and bigger than we thought.” Riné reported. “Enjoy this, you two, I’ll be just down the hall.”

“He looks so peaceful,” Dedra whispered, gazing at Kilyr as he slept in her arms. 

“He’s got nothing to worry about with us here to protect him,” Syril pointed out. “He’s not going to be like us, he won’t want for anything, ever. ”

“Do you want to hold him?”

Syril looked almost… sad. “Do you think I should? Aren’t you afraid I’ll drop him?”

“No.” Dedra patted the bed beside her, inviting him to sit. He obeyed, pulling himself up and to her side. She’d picked Kilyr up already, cupping his head and back as she prepared to hand him to Syril.

“Hey there,” Syril whispered, leaning down to kiss his son’s forehead. Kilyr squirmed but didn’t wake as Syril held him to his chest.

“You look good,” Dedra said, admiring the sight of her two boys. “Very comfortable.”

“I’m so afraid of doing something wrong,” he admitted, kissing Kilyr’s forehead again. 

“We’ll be alright.” Dedra leaned her head against Syril’s shoulder. Kilyr’s little eyelids were fluttering and she wondered what he was dreaming about. How different was the new, bright world he’d been thrust into?

Syril began to hum the intro to his famous lullaby. By the time he began to sing, Dedra’s eyelids began to droop, and she too, fell asleep quickly.

Chapter Text

Dedra woke to Kilyr’s soft crying, desperate to right any wrong that could possibly be affecting him.

“I think he’s hungry,” Syril said. He’d not moved since Dedra dozed off and was still holding Kilyr close. “Do you… want to take care of that?”

“You don’t need to be so embarrassed talking about my body. We have a child after all.”

“I know, I know, but I was raised differently. It still feels improper.”

“Tell Rinè I need a little help,” Dedra instructed, taking Kilyr back into her arms. His cries softened a bit, but he was still obviously upset.

“How are you, buddy?” Dedra cuddled him against her shoulder after unwrapping his swaddle. Her soft voice surprised her… it seemed so unnatural. “Did you have a nice nap?”

Kilyr made a noise like he was trying to blow bubbles. Of course I did, because I was snuggled up to dad the whole time.

Dedra hadn’t even thought of how she wanted to be referred to. Mum seemed nice. Mother was too formal, but Mama was easier for a kid to say. 

“I hope I didn’t wake you,” she told Rinè as she entered. “I have no idea what time it is.”

“It’s no matter,” Rinè disregarded her apology with a wave of her hand. “I ordered Syril to cook you something, you’re about to be very hungry.”

“What if he doesn’t latch?” Dedra fretted immediately. “Or if he can’t get full?”

“We won’t know until we try,”  Rinè was patient and answered all her questions, showing her different positions to hold a baby to nurse.

“He can’t hold his neck up yet, so that will be up to you. He also needs to be able to get his whole mouth around the nipple, so it could mean moving around.”

Dedra was nervous, but Kilyr seemed eager and whined up until he was held close to her chest. 

“Can he smell it?” Dedra wondered.

“That seems to be what most people assume,” Rinè agreed. “Now, see how there’s space between your breast and his chin? See if you can help him move closer.”

Dedra tilted Kilyr’s head toward her just slightly, and it might have been her imagination but he seemed to smile. 

“I never thought I’d be doing this.”

“Nursing’s special, isn’t it?”

“No, not just that,” Dedra gestured to Kilyr. “Kids. I never made a decision on it at all until I was forced to. I thought I’d be a terrible mother because of my past, but also wanted to parent a child to give them the childhood I wish I had. If I had to guess, Syril’s always wanted to be a dad.”

“I was unsure at first, too.” Rinè admitted. “I was naive and surprised when it happened three months into marriage. But, I wouldn’t change it for the world.”

A few moments ago, Dedra wondered how she’d know if Kilyr was actually getting any food. But the sensation of rightness that washed over her made her feel pretty sure he was. It felt safe.  

“He’s doing well,” Rinè assured her. “You just have to remember all the little things about it, and learn.”

The sound of Syril’s hoverchair made Dedra looked up. He was balancing a tray on his lap with both hands, and stopped when he saw them, staring in amazement. Of course, he’d seen Dedra’s naked chest before, but the realization of her feeding Kilyr just added another thing to his list about why Dedra was the most incredible woman he’d ever met.

“How’re you feeling?”

“Ravenous. Hand it over,” Dedra gestured to the food.

Syril obeyed, watching his son in amazement. Kilyr’s lower body wasn’t still, always moving to gather more about his new world. He would grip Dedra’s hair and Syril’s finger and kick his little feet. 

“When he’s done, place him on your shoulder and rub his back,” Rinè instructed. “I can stay to show you, or you two can spend some more time alone.”

“I think we’ll be okay.”

After she left, Syril moved close enough to help Dedra eat. His hands were still shaky, but very little spilled as he lifted the spoon to her mouth. 

“He’s gonna wake up in the middle of the night,” Syril said, so they could start making a plan. “I can handle anything that’s not feeding, if that’s okay with you?”

“I’m not sure how I’ll know the difference, but conceptually, yes.”

“Cole said something about different cries for different needs.” 

“He’s not really cried at all, I’m afraid I won’t wake up if he needs me.”

“Maybe we should set alarms?” Syril suggested. “Like, every few hours just in case?” 

Dedra nodded, reaching down to cup Kilyr’s head and readjust him. “He’s falling asleep.”

“I thought it was rude to sleep at the dinner table.” Syril quipped.

Dedra snorted. “Hush. I’m just glad he’s eating, I was afraid he wouldn’t. I mean, it would be fine if he wouldn’t, we could just use a bottle, but…”

“But you wanted to feed him yourself. That’s perfectly normal.”

“It feels good,” she said defensively, trying to explain herself. “Almost like… I’m not ready to let him go.”

“You won’t need to?”

“Shut up and let me talk,” Dedra was alarmed by the tears gathering in her eyes, weren’t the hormones supposed to be over now? “He was inside of me for so long, and I took care of him, and what if I can’t now? What if something happens? What if he doesn’t need me anymore?”

Kilyr squealed and kicked in alarm. He, clearly, didn’t like where this was going. Syril didn’t either but he would stay silent. He watched as Kilyr continued to eat, and held up a hand like he wanted it to be held. Dedra offered a finger and Kilyr wrapped his palm around it. 

The scene was so soft and unlike anything Syril had ever seen from Dedra before. He snapped a picture of the candid moment right before Dedra turned to glare. 

“My hair’s a mess and my boobs are out.”

“No one else has to see it,” Syril protested lightly. “It’s beautiful. You’re beautiful. Amazing, really. I can’t do anything to care for him like this.”

“We’ll find ways.” Dedra wondered if this was a normal feeling for a new father to have. How would she encourage Syril? What seemingly menial tasks would he take delight in because they involved his son?

“That was very good,” she referred to the stew. 

“Whatever you eat, he ends up getting, too.” Syril said. “So it’s only the best. And we want that spice tolerance built up early.” 

Dedra said nothing as Syril lay his head on the pillow next to Kilyr, who continued eating like he didn’t notice or care. 

“Did you know your itty-bitty stomach is only the size of a grape?” Syril asked rhetorically. “You’re eating like you’ve got more room than that. You’ll hurt yourself.”

Maybe he was actually done, or maybe he was feeling a little self-conscious now, but Kilyr let go and turned his face away when Dedra tried to help him latch again. 

“You can do this part,” Dedra suggested. 

“What part?”

Dedra held Kilyr up, admiring how his limbs adorably all folded into each other in the position he must have taken inside the womb. “Here. Put him on your shoulder, and pat.” 

Syril obeyed, alternating between patting and rubbing as Kilyr twitched and coughed and squealed. All of his movements and noises were mesmerizing. 

Dedra drifted back to sleep with a smile on her face, knowing she would wake up to do it all again in a few hours. 

She fed Kilyr two more times overnight, but when she awoke in the morning, both of her boys were gone. 

Walking was hard but she managed to get herself down the hallway, where she found Syril and Rinè in the kitchen, with Kilyr tucked comfortably into Syril’s elbow.

“Good morning, Dedra,” Rinè smiled warmly. “How was your first night of motherhood?”

“I kept having nightmares about rolling on top of him even though the cot is taller than the bed and has a barrier.”

“Sounds about right.” Rinè said, and she and Syril said something low that Dedra couldn’t hear, until Syril sighed and came to sit beside Dedra on the couch. She smiled as she picked Kilyr up. 

“My mom sent me a message,” Syril said darkly. “She wants to know if you had the baby yet. I’m ignoring her.”

“Better yet,” Dedra pointed out how Kilyr’s little hand had positioned itself on her shoulder, unintentionally making a rude hand gesture. “Send her this.”

“I’m not giving her any ammo. I’m never going to talk to her again. No messages, no pictures.”

“I think the kids call that ‘ghosting’.” Dedra said. “I overheard Saviin or Sarad talking.”

“She sent me this,” Syril turned around the datapad. It was a picture of several stacks of baby-related gifts; some items he recognized from his own babyhood.

“We don’t need anything from her.”

“I know,” Syril whispered. “But there’s the guilt I’m still feeling. Kriff, she couldn’t have waited a few months for us to be better established?” 

“Remember how often she pestered us to visit even back on Coruscant?” Dedra pointed out. “I don’t think waiting is in her vocabulary.”

Syril sighed, and lay his head down on Dedra’s shoulder, watching Kilyr not far from him.

“I want to be the best father I can for Kilyr, and that means taking care of myself too,” his eyes were soft as he looked at his new little family. “If it’s possible, I’d like a few hours to work on some things so I can better take care of the both of you.”

Dedra didn’t like to think of herself as someone who needed to be taken care of, but she appreciated the sentiment. “Will you be gambling or doing drugs?”

“No?” 

“Pity. Have fun.” 

He accepted the joke with a smile, but grew a bit serious as he added, “you should have time to yourself too, Dedra.” 

“Maybe when he’s bigger.”

“I don’t want you to be overwhelmed.”

“I’m not.”

“Not yet. ”

“Take your time first, Syril, and then we’ll discuss mine.”

He nodded and kissed her cheek, then Kilyr’s forehead before leaving.Their son’s curls were more prominent now that they were dry, but Dedra thought they appeared lighter than before.

“Here’s breakfast for you,” Rinè announced as she set down a plate in front of Dedra.

“You don’t want me at the table?”

“That’s more for the kids, anyway. This is a special exception.” Rinè smiled. 

“Can you hold him for a second while I eat?” 

“Of course.”

It didn’t make much of a difference, Dedra’s eyes were still mostly glued to her son even as she ate. 

“Those pads you prepared are very much appreciated,” Dedra said. “Syril is alarmed by the amount of blood, but I reminded him about how big the placenta was and that I now have that large of a hole inside of me.”

“I’m glad. The bleeding should calm within the next few days, but doesn’t stop entirely for around a month, I’m afraid.”

“Not much different than when I was a younger woman.”

“Some people claim the best way to fix your cycles is to get pregnant. As a Mirialan I beg to differ, but I’m not sure for humans. We’ll have to see.”

Both women’s eyes turned to Kilyr when he started to whimper. 

“Are you hungry because mama’s eating?” Rinè cooed. “Just give her a few moments, little one.”

“It’s fine,” Dedra said, holding out her arms. “I can use a pillow to prop him up.”

Rinè looked at her curiously. 

“I did some research. Any idea what Syril’s up to?”

“I believe he is at the clinic,” Rinè said. “Cole’s starting to feel very paternal over him, which I dare say is a good thing.”

Dedra hummed in agreement. Based on Syril’s past lack of male role models and whatever Uncle Harlo had going on, she was happy for him to talk to Cole. 

“Pillows were my best friend. I’d prop Tracyn up on one and Aay’han on another and still have my hands. It was hard to slow down after a life of war. I’m sure you understand.”

“It has been,” Dedra agreed,”We’re getting there. Syril and I are still rediscovering everything. Some of his memories have been coming back and they aren’t pretty.”

“You’ll get through it,” Rinè encouraged. “Cole and I had our moments, too. It’s part of being parents.”

When Kilyr finished eating, Dedra stretched her cramping arms. “You said you had a kind of sling?”

“Yes, let me show you,” Rinè disappeared for a moment before returning with a soft, silk blanket. She wrapped it around Dedra’s shoulders and waist, and secured it with a knot.

“It supports your belly, too. Your muscles will take a few weeks to shrink back to size since you’re already so athletic.”

Too long, Dedra thought. Whatever— it was a start. She was eager for things to come back to normal.

Wasn’t she?

What even was normal anymore?

Kilyr cooed as he curled up against her chest, one tiny hand tugging at her neckline. 

This is a start, she supposed.  Getting used to this new, slow life.

Chapter Text

Syril returned from whatever it was he did every day and would often find the two of them napping, although Dedra denied this.

“I’m just resting my eyes.”

“Sure,” Syril responded, always lifting Kilyr into his arms so Dedra could have a break. 

“I’m almost done with the surprise for your mama,” Syril whispered to Kilyr one day when he thought Dedra wasn’t listening. Or maybe he knew she was, and that was his way of letting her into the know since she tended not to like surprises.

Kilyr was a week old, now, and gained a full kilo. He could sleep up to 6 hours after a big feed if he was fed again upon waking. He was, by Dedra’s standards, a good baby. By Syril’s standards he was the greatest baby who ever lived. 

“He’s got baby acne,” Dedra said, wiping Kilyr’s cheek with a thumb. “Maybe it’s time for his first bath?”

“Already?” Syril seemed almost upset by the thought of his baby getting bigger. “How could that be? How do we even do that?”

“Very, very gently, and with really basic soap.”

“I mean, how do we hold him?”

Dedra shrugged. “I was just gonna sit with him, honestly. Unless you want to.”

“No reason we both can’t.” 

Syril got situated in the tub first, wearing only his briefs. Kilyr did not appreciate being unwrapped and cried briefly, stunned by the cold until Dedra handed him to Syril, who held him close.

“There you go,” Dedra cooed as she knelt next to the tub, pouring the smallest bit of water onto Kilyr’s belly, making him jump. He seemed stunned for a moment before tossing his head.

“Is the water too cold?” Syril fretted. 

“Shouldn’t be, I checked. I think he just needs to adjust.” Dedra drizzled a bit more, and Kilyr seemed open to the idea. 

“We need to make sure to help you stay nice and clean,” Syril explained as if he were talking to, well, a baby. “So far, you haven’t made any big messes—“

“Don’t jinx it,” Dedra frowned. Changing diapers was her least favorite task, but it needed to be done and she couldn’t bear to think of her son in any discomfort.

“Cover his eyes,” she ordered before wetting Kilyr’s curls.

“I have somewhere to take you tonight,” he said.

“Oh?”

“I think you’ll like it. You both will.”

“We’re looking forward to it,” Dedra inspected Kilyr’s navel carefully and dabbed it lightly with a damp cloth.

“I don’t even remember you cutting the cord,” she admitted. “All I could think about was him. ”

“Cole gave me a scrub top with Kilyr’s newborn footprints on it,” Syril said fondly. “I can’t imagine him getting any bigger enough to wear shoes.”

“He may need socks,” Dedra pointed out. “He’s so little, and his feet are always so cold.”

“You hear that?” Syril echoed, holding Kilyr’s hands. “You’re so small, just a little guy.”

Kilyr cooed and leaned closer to his father’s chest. 

“I’m sure this is enough for now, do you want to finish up and I’ll dry him and wrap him up?”

“Sure. I’ll be right there.”

As Dedra gave Kilyr a new diaper and wrapped him in the soft baby towel, he fussed and turned his face toward her chest, obviously hungry again. It was a good sign that he was so hungry and growing; and Dedra would never tire of the sounds of his small gulps and the tempo of his quick breaths against her chest. 

“What do you think your dad has planned?” She asked rhetorically as she fashioned Kilyr’s hair so it was sticking up. “Surely he’s not planning something crazy.” 

What if he asks me to marry him? 

Dedra didn’t know why the thought scared her. Maybe scared wasn’t the right word, but it did fill her with apprehension. She still couldn’t believe she’d regained Syril’s trust. 

“I’d say yes, I think, but I don’t think it’s necessary. You hold us together. It’s gotta be something else. Something we’d both like?” She leaned in close. “A bigger, better mattress maybe?” 

She felt bad complaining after all Tracyn’s family did for her, but if she had the ability she’d give them all new mattresses at this point. Sometimes Dedra forgot that she basically had no money anymore. 

Not that it seemed all that important here on Pabu. People traded items or tasks instead of credits. Dedra would adjust.

She was still unable to assist Syril with things like standing or getting back into his chair, but luckily Cole was off for the day and able to do so. Dedra caught the end of their conversation.

“Kilyr and Suum’ika are about six months apart,” Cole summed up for her. 

Was she really ? Dedra remembered meeting Tracyn’s niece as a newborn, and feeding her a bottle a few times but had all that time already passed? 

“Sometimes it feels like he’s already as big as she is.” She thought of the new cramps she would get from holding him in her arms for too long.

“Suum’ika’s small, that’s true. But I was telling Syril to kind of remember what she was able to do and when.”

“Syril, were you bothering the nice doctor with too many questions?” She asked sarcastically, but he flushed anyway.

“I just want to make sure we’re doing everything right.” 

“If your baby’s eating and sleeping well, then that’s all you have to worry about, really.” Cole smiled. “He didn’t have any problems at birth, and this baby acne is totally normal. It’ll cycle through until one day it just disappears. Aay’han’s did that; we just had to monitor him for scratching.”

“And if he does scratch?” Syril seemed nervous.

“A gentle nail filing and rinse with water.” Cole smiled at Dedra and Kilyr. “Anything else? I think Rinè’s working on dinner.”

“I think we’ll be okay until then.” Dedra said, noting how Cole’s eyes hadn’t left Kilyr. Instead of feeling awkward, Dedra almost felt sad for the older man who obviously loved children. “Do you want to hold him?”

“Can I?” Cole looked around like they could be talking to someone else. 

“He just ate, so he’ll probably go right to sleep.” Dedra said as she handed Kilyr over. Syril positioned his chair next to her so he could take her hand as they watched a man who had quickly become a father to both of them with his surrogate grandson. 

“Is that true?” Cole cooed. “Is your belly full and it’s time to sleep?” 

It was hard to believe Cole was the same man who performed emergency brain surgery when he became so soft and goofy. 

“The tubies— I mean, newborns— on Kamino were chill like this. The older cadets who had medical training helped out in the nursery. Usually they let the fussy ones go, but sometimes all they needed was actual human interaction.”

Syril didn’t want to know what ‘let the fussy ones go’ meant. Dedra saw how horrified his expression was and looked down in a kind of shame. The same shame she felt holding Kilyr sometimes. 

Syril knew something was the matter when Dedra lay back down in bed instead of getting up. She didn’t look at Kilyr, either.

His solution was to let Tracyn look after Kilyr for a few minutes so he could crawl in behind her. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she lied. 

“Was it Cole’s story that upset you?”

“I didn’t expect it to, but it hit me.” 

“How so?”

“I don’t think you remember this, but I… we… were pregnant before Kilyr. But it was a different time and situation and we… I mean, I, thought it was better if I ended it.”

Syril said nothing.

“I was ignorant of what motherhood meant, how it would make me feel, all I thought of was my work, and now I have Kilyr and feel so guilty about it. And if I didn’t have Kilyr, and you really did die on Ghorman, I would be alone because of that choice.” 

“I don’t remember this.”

“That’s probably a good thing,” Dedra wiped her eyes. “I was in bed for three days afterward, with all the bleeding. You took off to take care of me and all I could do was cry.”

“I’m glad you weren’t alone,” he said quietly. “But I don’t think I want to hear more of this.”

“I don’t think that’s fair.”

Syril said nothing for a beat. Two. 

“Can we talk about it later instead.”

“Or I can get all I need out now, and we can never speak of it again.”

“Okay.”

It hit Dedra that this was their first major roadblock in a long time. “Are you angry with me?”

“No, although… maybe a bit at the both of us. We should have put more thought into it.”

“We did.”

“Then maybe it was the right choice for the time.” 

“Are you saying that just to agree with me?” 

Syril sighed. “I don’t know.”

“I felt guilty ever since people started celebrating my pregnancy with Kilyr, they all thought it was my first baby.” 

“I’m sorry, Dedra.” Syril whispered. “I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like we wouldn’t be good parents, because the evidence is clearly showing that we are . And maybe this experience just means we love Kilyr even more.”

Dedra said nothing. Silent tears were falling from her eyes: love for her son, guilt for another. 

Syril’s hands wrapped around her waist, inviting her closer. And because she could, now, after all these months; Dedra turned to her other side and buried her face in his chest. 

“You’re a wonderful mother, Dedra,” Syril whispered. He hoped it was the right thing to say. “You don’t do anything without thinking it through first, even when it’s a hard decision. And it’s one of the things I love about you.”

Love. 

“I’m afraid your surprise was proposing,” she blurted. 

It startled him. “Really?” 

She nodded. “I was afraid you were going to ask about marriage, and it freaked me out because of what we just talked about, and other things you might not remember— I mean, the only reason we’re acting like this now is because of Kilyr.”

“The only reason?” 

Dedra thought harder. “Do you really forgive me?”

“Of course.”

“For all of it?” She prodded. “For our baby, and Ghorman, and all the other times I pushed you to the side because I thought the Empire needed me more?”

“Always.” 

Dedra sobbed now, with relief. And yes, most of it was hormone induced but it was the slightest bit as she babbled her apologies and thanks. 

“That wasn’t what I was planning, though.” He said. “Although, knowing your thoughts on the subject…”

“Not yet,” she protested.

“Fine, I was planning on taking you to see our new home.”

She sat up. “New home?” 

“I found the perfect place, Cole and I have been cleaning it up.”

“So that’s where you sneak off to.”

“Even before Kilyr’s birth. A few months, now.” Syril admitted. “It needed a few adjustments, but I think it’s perfect for us.” 

Dedra propped herself up on an arm and looked at him expectantly. 

“You want go now?”

“Yes.”

“But we were cuddling.”

“I’m assuming we can cuddle in the new bed, too.” 

Fair enough, Syril sat up, too. Tracyn was still occupied with Kilyr but smiled at them as they left.

“Did everyone know about this except for me?”

“Possibly,” Syril admitted. “I needed help with some design choices, I wanted it to look like ours back on Coruscant.”

“I didn’t think you remembered it.”

“I remember how it made me feel,” Syril said. “Happy and warm and safe, with big windows for the sun. And a kitchen; I made sure we have a bigger kitchen now. Kilyr has his own room for when he’s bigger.”

Dedra sighed. “I don’t want to think about him not needing us one day.”

Syril led her down toward the beach, but then gestured to turn up a path she’d not noticed before.

“The landscaping needs work, I hoped we could do it together.”

It was a modest white bungalow with a large porch. As promised, the front windows were floor to ceiling.

“It’s bigger than it looks on the inside,” Syril said as he led her by the hand. “Here’s the kitchen, you can see into the living room.” 

“I like that,” Dedra agreed, turning around. Already she saw furniture Syril acquired somehow.

“And then, down this hall is a guest room.” 

“Who would be staying there?” Dedra wondered. 

“I dunno, but it’s nice to have. Next to it, I think we could use that as an office. It’ll be next to what I imagine will be Kilyr’s room when he’s older. We can paint the walls however he wants.” 

Dedra stood in the center of the room, turning around. She could easily imagine furnishings fitting an older child: a bed, a shelf full of reading material. 

“Our room is on the other side,” Syril said as he backed into the hallway and she reluctantly left. “I got us the best mattress I could, and we’ll reattach the bassinet, but other than that it’s up for us to design.”

The whole room was hardly the size of Dedra’s ‘fresher on Coruscant, but she didn’t mind. Not at all; it was cozier this way. She saw a comfortable chair in the corner to read in, a shelf that already had a few holos displayed: most of them were of Dedra and Kilyr, or both of them. 

“The bed is low enough that I can get in and out myself, and since I’m not against the wall anymore I can easily reach Kilyr in the middle of the night.”

He’d put so much thought into it, Dedra realized. She’d already noticed, but smaller details that usually involved Kilyr were now more obvious.

“But he’ll probably spend most of this time in here.” Syril gestured to a door opposite the closet and its adjoining ‘fresher. It opened to reveal what was a child’s nursery. 

“I’ve done a little bit already, mostly just the basics: changing table that can adjust by height, a chair to rock him in, places for his clothes. He’ll probably have toys one day for us to organize. I was thinking of something bright for the walls, like yellow.”

“It’s wonderful, Syril. Really.” Dedra ran a hand on the smooth wood of the crib. “Where did you get all of this furniture?”

“I made some of it, and bought a few things.”

“With what money?”

“I’ve been helping out around the clinic. Obviously, no medical procedures but I can check people in and take basic information down for Cole, Ciri or Aay’han to look at later.”

And all the while, she’d been, what?

“You’ve been caring for Kilyr, and I want you to have the space to do it comfortably.” Syril said as if answering her unspoken question. 

She ran her hand over the crib one more time before turning to Syril. “We have another hour until Kilyr will be hungry,” she said. “I’d like to finish my nap on this brand new mattress. I’m sure my back will thank you.”

Whatever material it was, Dedra found it to be heavenly as she sunk into it. Her eyes closed, and she was distinctly aware of Syril watching her.

“Well?” She asked. “Are you going to join me?”

“Are you sure?” 

Dedra opened her eyes to see him blushing. “Of course I’m sure, you big idiot. You said it yourself that we need to take care of ourselves first in order to be good parents.”

You also brought up the word ‘love’.

Dedra felt the weight shift as Syril settled behind her, still oddly unsure. He probably thought that the house was too much, and maybe he was overstepping, and there were a million tiny thoughts causing him anxiety.

Dedra rolled back into him, making it clear that contact was a necessity and not a request. That made him acquiesce and wrap his arms around her again. 

She smiled to herself, satisfied. 

Chapter Text

Kilyr grew much too quickly for their liking; within a few months he was able to sleep for a full eight hours without interruption. Syril had become so used to waking up throughout the night that his body still tried to convince him Kilyr needed something. 

So when Kilyr did cry in the middle of the night, he was more than ready. Usually if he was hungry, the cries would be accompanied by open, grabby hands. If he needed a change they’d be closed in fists and some tiny grunts would be audible. Syril couldn’t place this new cry, it was more of a wail and tore at his heart. 

When the screaming started, Syril crawled over to the bassinet attached at the foot of the bed. It used to be fully on Dedra’s side, but most overnight care was done by Syril since he had an easier time waking up.

“Is it your new teeth?” Syril asked rhetorically as he comforted his boy. Obviously Syril had no memory of teething so he couldn’t identify with whatever pain Kilyr had in that regard. But he could comfort him. 

Instead of stopping or laying his head on Syril’s shoulder, Kilyr cried harder. It was then Syril noted the wet diaper and red skin of his cheeks and forehead.

“You’re burning up!” 

It hit then that this could be a real emergency.

“Dedra,” he murmured, shaking her. “Dedra, wake up.”

She did so immediately, locking in onto the problem. 

“I think he’s feverish,” Syril explained. “I don’t know what to do.”

“We’ll take him to the clinic,” Dedra reached for the light. As she turned it on, Syril saw the red spots all over Kilyr’s face, as well as his hands. 

“Whatever it is, hopefully we caught it early. I just want to get him something that will help him sleep.” 

Kilyr’s wails were heartbreaking as well as eardrum rupturing. It seemed wrong for such a small body to be this loud and full of pain.

“It’s alright,” Dedra’s voice faltered when she felt how hot Kilyr was. How did this happen? He was fine when they put him to bed. 

They hurried to dress before Dedra wrapped Kilyr in one of the thickest blankets they had; he was shivering violently despite the temperature, which only exacerbated her fears.

“I’m moving as fast as I can!” Syril exclaimed when she bade him to hurry.  Kilyr’s wails were growing louder and louder and ended in pathetic little gasps and a fit of coughing. 

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Dedra repeated over and over as he cried and squirmed and gulped large amounts of air. Once Syril was situated she practically ran to the clinic; luckily she was beginning to get her fitness back and was hardly out of breath when they entered the doors.

Aay’han was at the front desk, and despite Dedra’s first impression of him she’d actually grown to appreciate his demeanor more. Although tonight, he didn’t seem that surprised to see them.

“Kilyr’s the third baby this evening,” he explained, leading them to an examination room. “There’s a bad case of hand, foot, and mouth disease going around.”

“That’s it?” Syril asked. 

“It seems much scarier when babies are so little,” said a familiar voice as Ciri came in. “I’ll give you some infant-grade fever reducers and some others for his pain. Another helpful thing would be to nurse when he’s up for it, mother’s milk will give him anything else he needs to fight the virus.”

“So how’d he get it?” Dedra asked, frazzled. Kilyr had cried all his tears for now and was slumped, exhausted against her chest, turning away when Aay’han held up the syringe with the medication. 

“You need to take it, son,” Dedra said softly. “I want you to be able to sleep.”

“Verco thinks one of Suum’ika’s toys was contaminated, and then it spread amongst the kids when they all played together; the littlest got it the worst since they like to put things in their mouths.”

“She’s alright, though?” 

“Her fever’s already going down, so’s Jai’s kids. Talo’s having a hard time not scratching, but he’s not gotten a fever since his exposure wasn’t as bad.”

“Good.”

Syril seemed relieved by the revelation that Kilyr’s sickness was not anything too terrible, but Dedra figured she probably had the same, haunted look in her eyes. The same panic that overtook her before Kilyr was even born and she thought she was miscarrying in the middle of prison.

“You can give more every six hours.” Ciri handed Syril the bottle of children’s medication. “Again, he won’t be that hungry, but give him plenty of opportunities to nurse. If he’s ever having trouble breathing, bring him straight back here, but that’s rare.”

Dedra nodded, knowing that she’d have Kilyr back in the blink of an eye if that ever occurred. 

The walk back was much calmer; Kilyr now dozed off while tugging on Dedra’s neckline, also a good sign. She let him nurse for a few moments when they were home and soon he was asleep entirely. 

Dedra was not soon to follow. She kept Kilyr in her arms, frowning at all the blisters appearing on his face and limbs. Syril stayed behind at the clinic while Ciri came up with a cream they could use on the wounds, but Dedra just wanted to be home. It was also much easier to trim Kilyr’s nails when he was asleep as she didn’t want him to scratch.

The last time she herself was ill was back on Narkina, and it turned out to simply be morning sickness. She was so thin and likely considered gaunt by pregnancy standards. Then she got healthy again, thanks to Kilyr. She’d been fascinated to learn about how an unborn baby’s body provided healthy new cells to the mother they inhabited. 

She’d not been sick since; prioritizing her health so she could keep up with Kilyr’s. Syril often worried she was overexerting herself when she worked with weights and tried to work up to her pre-pregnancy cardio; in reality, she felt better than ever, even if her so-called pregnancy pouch was here to stay. Rinè told her it was possible to use a procedure to remove it, but Dedra was putting it off because having one or two more children wasn’t totally out of the question in her mind.

Careful not to disturb Kilyr, Dedra slipped out of her long-sleeved outer layer. Holding Kilyr was like holding a personal heating device when he was this warm. 

The front door alert chimed, meaning Syril had returned. He had a small bag with the medicine for Kilyr and set it on the bedside table.

“Well, I think we may have overreacted. Every kid gets HFM at least once.”

“Never,” Dedra insisted. “I refuse to compromise on our son’s health.”

“Yet, he’s not made of glass,” Syril assured her. “Are you going to sleep?”

“I don’t know.”

“I can make us some caf,” he decided, turning toward the kitchen. Dedra continued to hold Kilyr against her chest, thankful for all her reps of bicep work. 

“You don’t need to stay up.”

“I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep if he feels this miserable. Even the thought of it is too much.” 

When Syril was back in bed beside her and holding two steaming mugs, she risked lying Kilyr between them. He whimpered and made her freeze, but then she stilled when he relaxed. 

“He really does look just like you,” Dedra whispered, patting down some of Kilyr’s wild curls. “With his curly hair and blue eyes.”

“We’d have to have another who looks like you to even it out.” 

Dedra huffed a laugh, and Syril flushed bright red. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t serious.”

“I think I might be,” Dedra admitted. “I don’t know if I want Kilyr to be an only child; you know what it’s like, and I know the opposite, technically speaking. For all intents and purposes, though, I do consider myself an only child because the other children in the kinderblock were taught to be my enemies.”

“If we’re ‘being technical’, Kilyr does have cousins to play with,” Syril pointed out. “But go on.”

“I thought you’d be happier,” Dedra frowned. “Are you nervous?”

“I…” Syril reached out and ran a hand through Kilyr’s curls. “I think I am. Not about being a father, I love being a father, but I’m more concerned about you.”

“ Me ?”

“I remember you giving birth and I told myself I wouldn’t put you through that again.”

“I didn’t know you felt that way.”

“I’m sorry,” Syril looked down. “I kinda thought that all women felt that way.”

“If women remembered what giving birth felt like, I don’t think Rinè would have six kids,” Dedra pointed out. “I don’t remember the pain at all. ”

“ Really ?” He seemed concerned.

“Well, I remember like… the concept… and where I was when it all happened, and the duration, but none of the pain. Just the moment we met him.” 

Syril still couldn’t believe how it was possible to forget such pain, but decided to let it go and focus on the real matter. “I could see one or two more. If it happens, anyway. We’re just getting older anyway and soon it’ll probably be too late.”

He was right, Dedra thought grimly. Most women weren’t getting pregnant past forty. She had very little time left if she decided she was serious about another child.

“There’s something I wanted to ask you, too.” He admitted after a few moments of thoughtful silence.

Dedra tilted her head in a way that meant, ‘go on’ but she was currently focused on their son. He’d never been this restless in his sleep before, constantly fidgeting and threatening to open his eyes.

“Can I change my last name to yours?”

Whatever Dedra was expecting, it was certainly not that. She jerked her head up in surprise. “Syril, is that a normal request or a very formal attempt at a marriage proposal?”

“Well, I just thought—“ Syril’s cheeks flushed darker than Kilyr’s feverish ones. “I wanted to match you and Kilyr since we’re, well, you know… a family.”

“Lots of parents have different last names.”

“Usually the kids and the fathers share, but I didn’t want Kilyr to have my last name so we did the reverse.”

“You really don’t like your last name, do you?” 

Syril sighed, watching how Kilyr’s chest moved up and down to distract himself. “I don’t feel like Syril Karn anymore. I don’t want to be him… or have a connection to my mother.”

Ah, so that’s the real deal. 

“If you can find an embassy all the way out here in the middle of nowhere, perhaps. Otherwise the change would be a little less formal.”

He grinned at her. “I-I mean, if you’re sure, because there are other options… we could like, combine our names and make a new one?”

“I like the idea of you taking mine. And I’ve never met another Meero… until Kilyr, technically speaking.” 

“Cole took Rinè’s name,” Syril said, like he needed to further justify his choice.

“That’s because as a clone he had none. I’ve already said I agreed, Syril. We’ll be the Meero family.”

“Keero.”

Dedra frowned. “What?”

“Our last names combined,” he explained. “Didn’t you ever make that up with your crush in school?”

“No. Of course not. I didn’t have time for that.”

Right. Syril coughed awkwardly. 

“Dedril.”

“What?”

“Our first names,” she clarified. “Mine’s first now. The last name would be Meern.”

He laughed. 

“Syril?”

“Yes?”

“What would you name another child?”

“Hmm,” he began. “Well, I really like Kilyr’s, so maybe keep something up with the strong consonant sound in the beginning?”

“Kessel.” Dedra said the first name that came to mind.

“Absolutely not !” He protested. “What about another two-syllable name like Koa?”

“For a girl or a boy?”

“Either, probably. Kael, too.”

“Kael Meero,” Dedra sounded it out. “That one’s nice. So’s Koa.” 

“Koa Meero,” Syril repeated. “Hopefully, we’ll have a little girl someday.”

“I don’t know. I’d have no idea what to do.” 

“We’d figure it out,” Syril assured her. “Just like we did with Kilyr. And we’ll be together.”

“Together,” she agreed.

Kilyr murmured in his sleep, tossing his head. Dedra resisted the urge to hold him close but that would risk waking him up… 

“Maybe I am tired,” she yawned, leaning back into her pillows.

“You can sleep. I’ll stay up.” Syril set her untouched mug onto the table. 

Dedra slid all the way down, soon she was face to face with her son, who smiled in his sleep. Thank goodness his cheeks were already lightening; he would be back to normal soon.

“Sleep well,” she whispered, and his tiny little smile was the last thing she saw before she closed her eyes.

Chapter Text

After his momentary bout of illness, Kilyr went right back to hitting milestones too quickly. 

He was rolling, sitting up, and starting to crawl all within a week. Most of it had been discovered by accident: one moment he was propped up, the next he was face down and in the two seconds it took Dedra or Syril to rescue him, he’d just rolled over with a big smile and giggle. 

He would roll right off the changing table if he could. Then he started pushing himself up and dragging himself in a sort of crawl.

Dedra thought it was important that he took at least one nap a day on his own to help ease him into sleeping overnight in his crib. And that may or may not be because she and Syril had slowly started adding intimacy back into their lives. Technically she’d been cleared six weeks after birth, but she’d not been ready until nearly six months. 

He was patient. 

“I haven’t had my hypo renewed since I’m nursing, but I’m honestly not too concerned.” She said offhandedly one night.

“Are you sure you don’t want to wait until  Kilyr’s just a little bit older?” Syril asked. “I mean, I’m more than happy with whatever you want, whenever, but I’m still a bit worried about what it could mean for you.”

Dedra shrugged. “I’m almost thirty-five. I’m running out of time, and it’ll be another ten months anyway.”

“Fair enough.”

How could he complain when he had the privilege of waking up next to her every morning? Of giving her a quick kiss on the cheek before wiggling out of her grasp and heading to work?

He needed to put some plans into action; Dedra’s birthday was in a week, and he wanted it to be perfect. He narrowed down gift ideas until he had just one left for Kilyr to assist with. 

The difficult part would be smuggling Kilyr out of the house without Dedra noticing. She had a sixth sense for when Kilyr was further than a room away.

“We’ll be real quiet, okay?” He asked, shushing Kilyr as he lifted him from the crib. The boy simply cooed and grabbed onto Syril’s collar with a fist. 

“You’re coming to the office with me today.”

No complaints from the baby. 

When Syril turned and started moving down the hall, however, he heard Dedra call his name.

Kriff . 

“Where are you going with Kilyr?”

“To work,” there was no reason to lie. 

“Because a six month old baby contributes to a medical office how ?”

Syril sighed, defeated. “Well, we were also going to work on a gift for your birthday.”

It occurred to Dedra in that moment that this would be her first birthday as Kilyr’s mother. She almost wanted to see what Syril came up with, but was she really ready for her two boys to leave the house alone?

“Have him back in a few hours,” she said. “When he gets hungry, my boobs start to leak.”

Syril huffed a laugh, mostly in disbelief. “You’re so blunt.”

“Blame the hormones.”

When was she ever going to stop using that excuse?

“We’ll be back,” he assured her, kissing her cheek. The last thing he saw as he left was Dedra folding her legs under herself on the couch, settling down with a hot cup of caf and a datapad.

Kilyr waved to everyone they passed on the way to the clinic. It was his new favorite thing to do, even if he turned away and buried his face in his father’s chest out of embarrassment when anyone waved back. 

“Morning, Aay’han,” Syril greeted as he entered the clinic. Kilyr babbled happily and reached for the younger man.

“Good morning to both of you,” Aay’han responded, holding onto Kilyr so Syril could transfer into his desk chair; his hoverchair parked neatly next to it.

Syril noted that Aay’han didn’t seem in a hurry to hand his son back.

“Thinking about kids?” He teased, knowing that Aay’han was still single.

“I’m not sure. I’ve got awhile to figure that out.”

“That’s true,” Syril thought back a decade; the thought of kids was nowhere near the front of his mind. 

“Cyn does, though,” Aay’han continued. “She and Aidan want a family after the war is over.”

“If it ever ends,” Syril sighed. 

Aay’han furrowed his brow. “You’ve not heard the news?”

“What news?”

“The rebels destroyed the Death Star.”

Syril’s mouth fell open; he’d never been privy to much information about the Imperial super weapon, but Dedra certainly was. It was supposed to be invincible.

“How’s that possible?”

“A pilot made a lucky shot into the exhaust vent, I think.” Aay’han reported. “As a medical professional I can appreciate the precision required. But, I can’t help but think of all the lives lost.” 

“Millions, most likely,” Syril murmured. He felt the sudden urge to hold his son close. 

Aay’han returned Kilyr to him without being asked; the boy squealed as he settled back down in his father’s lap.

“I wonder if Dedra’s heard.”

“I suspect she has. Tracyn said she sent her a casualty report.”

Oh.

“I’ll look into it after work.” 

“I have the materials you asked for, if you want I can go get everything ready while you watch the desk.”

“Sure.”

Soon, the only background noise was Kilyr’s babbling and the hum of medical instruments in the rooms down the hall. 

“Since your mama drinks so much caf, I thought we could make her a special mug,” Syril told Kilyr, who giggled the whole way through. Syril couldn’t help but smile himself: if Kilyr was happy, then he as a father was doing a very good job.

“Which color should we use?” Aay’han held out several, and Kilyr ooohed and aahed like he hadn’t seen so many in his life. It probably reminded him a bit of the aquarium he watched for hours on end.

He settled on purple, which was ironically a mix of Syril and Dedra’s favorite colors. 

“Good choice,” Aay’han praised. “This will tickle a bit.”

Syril held Kilyr as he squirmed, the paint being put onto his feet felt so funny… the last time Syril recalled capturing his footprint was when he was a newborn, it would be interesting but also sad to compare. 

“All done,” Aay’han narrated and took the baby away to clean up. Syril had a bit of paint on himself but didn’t mind, just wrote Kilyr’s name under the set of footprints that seemed impossibly large now (he would need shoes soon!) and set it on the corner of his desk to dry. He only had to hide it when Dedra came to pick Kilyr up a few hours later.

“I was just about to bring him back,” Syril said.

“I couldn’t wait. I needed to hug him.” Dedra’s eyes looked so sad and haunted and Syril immediately understood. Kilyr settled onto his mother’s hip easily and started playing with her hair without a care in the world.

“Soon I’ll have a mini work buddy, too,” she murmured so Syril didn’t hear.

“We should talk about it when I’m off,” Syril said. 

Dedra nodded and left the clinic. 

Things were exponentially less exciting with his son gone. Syril waited at his desk for the rest of the day, chatting with Aay’han to pass the time.

He returned as Dedra was putting dinner on the table. Kilyr napped in the carrier on her chest.

“Keeping busy?”

“Helps me not think about it.”

“Do you wanna talk?”

She thought for a moment, then slowly nodded. Syril came forward and took the plates from her so she could sit more comfortably.

“I never wanted to see the Death Star in action,” Dedra began. “I didn’t believe it would actually work. So now I’m glad those plans were leaked, and I just feel so guilty for ever associating with the Empire.”

“I think about it, too.” Syril admitted, pushing vegetables around with his fork. “I don’t think the guilt will ever truly leave, it’s just something we have to confront.”

“Did you see the casualty reports?”

“No. Aay’han just told me about what happened and then mercifully changed the subject.”

“Krennic’s gone,” Dedra said. “Although he was killed on Scarif, not the Death Star, the whole thing was only a matter of days. Tarkin was on the Death Star.”

“Anyone else you cared about?”

“That sounds cruel,” Dedra said coldly, but then shook her head. “I didn’t know as many people as I thought I did, and most were killed in other attacks. I didn’t realize Partagaz took his own life because of me.”

“Hold on,” Syril reached out and stilled her shaking hand. “That’s not your fault.”

“If I had been better—“

“Then we wouldn’t be here now,” Syril said, grounding her as he squeezed her hand. 

Kilyr’s dark head of curls began to stir, and it was hard not to smile at the way his eyes lit up with delight at the sight of Dedra’s untouched plate.

“Not now,” she chided, stopping him before he could grab a handful of mashed potatoes. Kilyr pouted until he was placed into his chair and given a bowl of his own.

“Tracyn’s headed home soon for a bit, I’ll probably spend some time speaking with her.”

“I think that’ll be good,” Syril agreed. “You need to talk to process your emotions.”

“And you don’t?”

Syril sighed. “I don’t remember the Empire like you do, Dedra. I’m afraid I’m having a hard time relating to what you’re feeling, but I’m here to support you.”

That’s not stopping your nightmares, Dedra wanted to say, but didn’t. Instead she thanked him. 

They began eating, with Kilyr’s babbling their only background noise until—

“I’ve been thinking about finding a new job, something to do with my time once Kilyr’s old enough for school.”

“Oh?” Syril stopped his chewing.

“Part time for now, since he’s still a full time gig,” Kilyr demonstrated this by smearing mashed potato around on his high chair. 

“Aren’t you going to eat?” Dedra asked calmly. 

Kilyr threw the bowl onto the floor.

“Anyway,” Dedra turned back to Syril with a half amused smile, she was still learning how to join in on her son’s goofy antics like she truly wanted to.

“What’re you thinking?”

“I wanted to give back to the community, like you,” Dedra continued. “And then I started thinking about teaching.”

“Really?”

“Something more advanced, like math. It makes me think harder and no one likes teaching older kids anyway. At least, not here on Pabu.”

“That’s probably true. Plus, there’s a lot of kids dropping out to join the Rebellion before they’re actually done with their education.”

“Exactly.” Dedra’s smile from earlier grew. Of course he understands.

Then, riding on the happiness from their conversation and before she could converse herself otherwise—

“I think I might be—“

Syril coughed suddenly, and it grew harsher as he couldn’t stop. It took Dedra a few moments to realize he may have been choking.

“Syril?”

Even Kilyr stopped moving in shock.

“I’m-“ he shook his head, thumping his chest with a closed fist until the fit subsided. “Sorry. Forgot how to swallow.”

It was one of those strange occurrences that happened to anyone but seemed to happen more often to Syril post-brain damage. 

“What were you saying?”

“Nothing,” Dedra looked down. “I forgot.”

The clock was interrupting her, now. It was time for Kilyr’s bath and bedtime routine; if they deviated even a moment it could have consequences in the morning. 

The next time Syril gathered Kilyr from the crib was to prepare Dedra’s birthday breakfast, and if he’d planned it right they should have it right as she woke up—

Except Kilyr immediately dumped flour onto the floor, laughing as he did so. 

“You know I can’t easily clean that up,” Syril said. 

Kilyr giggled and clapped his floury hands together, making a cloud of the stuff.  Now Syril knew he was not to be trusted. 

“Don’t make me confine you to your high chair, I wanted you to help.”

His son tilted his head adorably; an escape tactic which always seemed to work. 

Syril distracted the boy with a bowl of fruit while he completed the batter for pancakes, involving Kilyr where possible with menial tasks like mixing batter.

“Let’s be careful now,” he murmured, keeping his son a safe distance away while they cooked. 

“Do you want juice?”

Kilyr nodded emphatically, and Syril prepared a bottle before starting the caf machine.  

“Almost ready.”

Kilyr watched from his high chair as his father set the table, making a point to pour the caf into the mug he’d made yesterday. He even had some flowers on the table (although he wouldn’t be surprised if some were weeds, as Kilyr didn’t know how to differentiate yet). 

If there was one thing Syril learned about Dedra over the past few months, talking about their son was the easiest way to get out of something that might annoy her.

“What’s all this?” Dedra's voice from the kitchen’s doorway.

Kilyr babbled with delight upon seeing his mother. Syril too, grinned.

“Good morning, Dedra. And happy birthday.”

“Thank you,” she said, still trying to take it in. They’d never celebrated before, even in her apartment. It seemed like Syril was trying to start new traditions with Kilyr.

Her son continued babbling, pointing excitedly at something on the table. “Do you want the flowers? You can’t eat those.”

“Oh, he wanted to show you this.” Syril said casually, pointing to her new mug. Then, patting Kilyr’s back. “Tell mama happy birthday like we practiced.”

“Don’t get him talking too early, my heart won’t be able to handle it.” Dedra said, admiring the mug as she sat down. 

“He painted the back,” Syril said, grinning.

“Very nice,” Dedra took her first sip of caf that morning. “The caf tastes better because of this.”

“I’m glad,” Syril knew she didn’t want too much fuss made, so this was enough for him as she continued to smile.

“I actually have something for you, too.” He said. “I’ll show you after you’re finished eating.”

It turned out to be a porch swing. Syril had noticed how often he’d catch Dedra at the park with Kilyr and the other kids, swinging on the swing with Kilyr in her lap instead of using the more traditional baby swing. When he asked her about it, she admitted having no memories of a playground.

“It’s soothing,” she shrugged, referring to the swing. “No matter what age you are.” 

Now they had a place to watch the sky together, Syril made sure he could get in and out of it with relative ease. He was getting pretty comfortable after nearly a year of adjusting to a lack of lower body movement. 

He’d just settled down next to her when Kilyr began to fuss. 

“We’ll be right back,” Dedra said. 

Syril wanted to protest that he could take care of Kilyr’s needs, but Dedra waved him off since he was already situated in the swing and she didn’t like making Kilyr wait too long for a diaper change. He’d also gotten some breakfast all over his clothes, so he probably needed a new outfit anyway.

“Now, I know it’s technically my birthday,” Dedra told Kilyr as she half-wrestled him into his clothes. “But I’ve been putting off telling your father something important for a bit too long, so you’re going to help me.”

Kilyr babbled, puzzled. He couldn’t read the shirt she put on him, but Syril would be able to, and that’s what mattered—

“All cleaned up?” Syril asked, holding out his arms. Kilyr played his part perfectly, eagerly reaching for his father. 

“I don’t recognize this one,” he said, referring to the shirt. 

“It’s a bit new, Rinè found it for us, that’s why it’s a bit large.”

“Let’s see what it says,” Syril said, pulling it tight. His eyes widened, and he looked at Dedra.

“You’re sure?”

“As I can be,” she responded. 

“Are you gonna be a big brother?” Syril asked, standing Kilyr on his lap as the boy giggled. 

“I don’t think he even knows what that means yet.” Dedra smiled, patting down Kilyr’s curls.

“How are you feeling?” Syril began rapid fire questions. “How far along? Who else knows?”

“A little sick when I wake up, but it subsides pretty soon. Just about seven weeks, I think. Rinè knows because she knows everything.”

“Right… Jedi.” Syril ran a hand through his hair. “You sure you’re alright? When did you find out? You said your cycle hasn’t come back.”

“I’ve tested every few weeks since we started trying again.”

“Fair enough. That was fast.”

“I’m no longer on birth control, and to be frank, we were really trying and nursing only increases my hormones.”

“Hopefully he’ll get along as well with his brother or sister as well as his cousin,” Syril said. 

“We’ll have to learn how to split our time, but I think it’s good they’ll be so close in age.”

“Do you want to tell anyone else?” 

“Not yet. I’ll tell Cyn when she’s back, Cole soon when I go for a scan.” 

Syril laughed suddenly, disturbing her as she lay her head on his shoulder and enjoyed the cool ocean breeze. “What?”

“I just gave you a mug for caf when you need to lower your caffeine intake.”

“Maybe I’ll crave hot chocolate again.”

“In the middle of summer?” 

“Baby gets what baby wants,” Dedra insisted. “Kilyr was created out of whipped cream and canned fish. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

Syril shuddered. He was not looking forward to whatever… creations she would come up with. Or maybe she would throw up at the scent of his cologne again. 

He hoped not.

“You ready?”

“No,” she admitted. “But we’ll learn, just like we did with Kilyr. It’ll be fun.” 

“We’ll need to move Kilyr to his big boy room, far across the house.”

“Not too soon; and then we can use a baby monitor.” 

“If Cole and Rinè can handle six kids at once, I’m sure we’ll be alright with two.”

“Hmm, famous last words,” Dedra murmured. 

Syril looked down and saw her closing her eyes. “Are you tired?”

“I spent half of last night trying to get comfortable, and the other half deciding if my bladder really needed to be emptied or if it was playing tricks. I think I deserve a nap.”

Kilyr yawned in agreement. His scheduled nap was coming up, anyhow. 

Syril wrapped his arm tighter around Dedra and kissed the top of Kilyr’s head. “Sleep well, you two.”

Chapter Text

“I need to talk to you about something,” Dedra said, patting the couch next to her. Syril eyed Cole suspiciously, wondering if this was some kind of intervention. What if something was wrong with the baby?

“Your mother came into the clinic this morning,” Cole said. 

“My mother?” Syril echoed in disbelief. Dedra thought he looked frightened; his hand shook as she took it. “How did she even find us?”

“I don’t know,” Cole said. “If I had to guess, some kind of tracker—“

“My kriffing datapad; she’s always sending me messages that I don’t answer. Dedra, can you go grab it please?”

Dedra didn’t move. 

“She wanted to talk to you,” Cole continued, “but knew she wasn’t welcome at my house or yours. Aay’han didn’t recognize her so let her back.”

“Oh,” he couldn’t fault him for that. “What did she want?”

“To talk,” Cole repeated. 

“I’m not interested. Make sure Ciri and Aay’han know not to tell her anything—“

“She’s dying, Syril.” Dedra blurted. “That’s why she wants to talk to you.”

“Oh,” he said, then lowered his voice. “I need a moment.”

He turned and left. Dedra found him face down on their bed, trying to regulate himself with the weight and texture as he squeezed pillows. She left quietly to let him have some time alone.

This is not a coping mechanism, he thought shamefully, but didn’t know how else to cope. He just lay there, wondering what he was supposed to do next. Whatever happened, he didn’t want Dedra to be in the middle of it.

“Uncle Syril?”

Syril sat up in a hurry. Talo was there, staring at him with his big brown eyes. Syril wondered how long he’d been like this.

“How’d you get in?”

“Auntie Dedra said I should wake you up. Can you show me your cool action figures?”

Of course she put you up to this. Him and Dedra both had such a soft spot for the little boy who’d taught them about parenthood before Kilyr was born.

“I think they’re more accurately described as collectibles,” Syril said, unable to resist. 

He led Talo to a shelf where he kept some of his old things; his mother had actually brought them with her the first time she showed up here. She must have thought it would be a peace offering, but Syril wondered if it would turn into blackmail.

“Are you sad?” Talo asked.

“A little bit.”

“Why?” Talo reached inside the army of troopers and picked out a member of the 501st. “Mama says new babies are happy things.”

“I’m happy about the baby,” Syril insisted, wondering how he was supposed to explain this. “But sometimes, people make others upset, even when they’re supposed to love each other.”

“That is sad.” 

“Come on, let’s go back to the living room with these, we can show your dad.”

Sufficiently distracted, the five-year-old hurried in that direction. Cole was still there, talking with Dedra about her symptoms and other pregnancy related issues. 

Syril made sure Dedra kept up with her heart medication, but with another pregnancy there would possibly be adjustments made.

“Who’ve you got there?” Dedra asked Talo.

“I think that’s Rex,” Cole grinned, holding out a hand to verify. “See the Jaig eyes, son?”

“Mmm hmm. This one’s a medic, like you!” 

“Kix,” Cole agreed. “He was my batchmate.” 

“Can he come to Pabu one day?” 

Cole’s eyes grew sad. “Maybe.”

“I didn’t even think the clones were still alive until I met you,” Dedra admitted. “There were lots of bills—“

“They tried,” Cole said sharply, then sighed. “Sorry. Don’t like to think about it.”

“Understood.” Dedra cast an eye toward Syril, who was keeping a close eye on his figurines. “I think he might pass out if you were to get Rex to visit, though.”

“Don’t even tease me like that,” Syril whined.

“You’ve already met some other clones,” Cole insisted.

“Yeah, but they weren’t action figures that I grew up playing with,” Syril referred to the members of Clone Force 99. “No one even knew about them.”

“I suppose that’s true.”

Dedra’s internal clock had her glancing toward the nursery. Kilyr would be awake soon after his post-breakfast nap. He always digested better if he slept immediately after, especially when his teething was this bad…

“I’ll leave you to it,” Cole said. “I think it’d be a good idea to stop by for a scan within the next few days, Dedra.”

“I’m not a fan of the transvaginal ones; I’ll wait.” 

Cole nodded. “C’mon, Tal’ika. Let’s let uncle and auntie take care of Kilyr, okay?”

It was hard, but they managed to say goodbye.

“So,” Dedra began, after retrieving Kilyr from the crib. She was patting his back gently to help him wake up fully. Soon he’d be seeking out a teething toy—

“I’m not ready,” Syril said, handing Kilyr his favorite teether. “I need more time before I talk to her.”

“She might not have time, Syril.” 

“She should have considered that before she treated us like crap!” He exclaimed, startling their son. Dedra felt her own emotions rising quickly, but knew it wasn’t actually Syril’s fault. Or hers.

“I can scope things out.”

“I won’t let you do that.”

“I won’t go alone. She’s scared of Rinè, so we’ll pay her a visit. You can stay here with Kilyr.”

“Maybe that would work,” Syril agreed. “Y’know, part of me wonders if she could be faking to manipulate me. I wouldn’t put it past her.”

“I don’t know, she’s sick enough to be in the medcenter. And she’s… older. Not terribly so, but she hasn't exactly taken care of herself.”

“Don’t show her any pictures,” Syril said. “You can tell her his name and how old he is, but no pictures yet. And maybe hold off bringing up the new baby.”

“Sure.” 

She and Rinè decided on the next morning, they usually walked the younger kids to school together after breakfast. 

“Thank you,” Syril murmured.

“What?”

“For doing this for me. After all she’s done for you. I’m sorry I’m not brave enough yet.”

“Not yet,” Dedra said gently, taking his hand in hers. “Maybe one day. She doesn’t deserve you, Syril.”

He said nothing, just squeezed her hand and looked down.

That evening, Dedra slept worse than usual. Her stomach was churning uneasily, and it hurt like menstrual cramps. 

It was the same thing that happened with Kilyr. Dedra hadn’t missed it, but she could deal with it now. 

Rinè’s younger kids were just finishing up homework when she arrived at their house. Dedra enjoyed helping out, especially with math, although she disagreed with how their teacher was doing things.

“If two fractions have the same denominator, there’s a trick, you just have to treat the numerator like a normal addition problem.”

“Oh!” Saviin exclaimed. “That’s easy.”

“Sarad, you got that?” Dedra turned to the other twin.

“Which one’s the numerator again?”

“The top one, dear.”

A term of endearment slipped out every once in a while. Dedra was no longer ashamed of it; children deserved love, whether they’d earned it or not. She slowly realized that over the past year or so. 

Don’t want any kids ending up like Syril and I, she thought grimly.

“You ready?” Rinè asked as the kids began to pack up. She held out a mug of something that always seemed to sooth Dedra’s nausea last pregnancy and would hopefully work again.

“Not really. But I’m going to do this for him.”

Rinè took her hand, squeezing affectionately. Once again, Dedra was happy for her support; she’d also learned to share her burdens over the year.

“I’m sure Eedy will be glad to know Tracyn isn’t here,” Rinè joked a bit. 

“I think she’s a bit more scared of you.” Dedra assured her. “It’s important to know your subject when beginning an interrogation.”

“This isn’t a subject, this is your mother-in-law.”

“Same difference.”

Aay’han hardly looked up as they entered, just pointed them to room three. 

Dedra’s hands twitched the closer she got… it was a terrible tell she had, but any weakness could be exploited.

Besides; Dedra wasn’t a fan of medcenters. The whole environment may have been clean and precise, but she could sense the sickness within it. She still dreaded having to give Kilyr shots or the time he’d been treated for a fever. 

And now, her least favorite person ever was in here with her.

To be fair, her mind said. She’s also trapped here with you. 

She knocked on the door, knowing that being polite would throw Eedy off even more. She was expecting Dedra to be angry, if she was even expecting her at all. The foolish woman probably thought she’d gotten through to Syril.

Eedy Karn did not look good. She’d always been small in stature but now she looked pale and shrunken. Her breathing was louder and rougher than usual. 

“You must be enjoying this,” she said when she saw Dedra. “Seeing this.”

“Your spice habit caught up with you,” Dedra agreed. 

“Where’s Syril?” Eedy rasped. “I asked him to come.”

“He’s not ready to see you, so I came instead. And I would consider not running my mouth if I were you.”

Eedy was not happy about any of it, but seemed to realize Dedra was all she was getting.

“I can tolerate you making me uncomfortable,” Dedra told Eedy. “But I can’t tolerate you upsetting Syril. And that’s what you’ve done, so we’re having this conversation.”

“You won’t even see me alone?” Eedy said when she saw Rinè in the corner. “Are you that scared of me?”

“No, just need a witness in case something mysterious were to happen to you; there’s lots of cords and sensors involved in complete organ failure, isn’t there, Eedy?”

No response.

“Why did you come here?” Dedra asked. “Did you honestly think Syril would see you?”

“I suppose part of me hoped,” Eedy relented. “Parenthood changes everyone. I should know… and so should you. I’ve noticed my grandson isn’t here.”

“Syril decided not to let you see him.”

Syril decided, not me.

“I was actually willing to bring him,” Dedra lied. “Just to show you what you’re missing out on.”

Eedy’s eyes were still just as cruel and piercing as she looked Dedra up and down. 

“You’ve certainly let yourself go,” Eedy commented. “Or is there another grandchild I won’t be allowed to see?”

“Whose fault would that be?” 

No response, Dedra had scored another point.

“Look, Eedy,” Dedra crossed her legs, showing how at ease she was. “I would like to get along. I really would; for Syril’s sake. And I think somewhere deep down you do, too, or else you wouldn’t have come here. Coruscant likely had better treatment.”

“I couldn’t afford treatment on Coruscant without help.” 

Syril’s help.

“He’s not exactly a functioning member of the  Imperial hierarchy anymore.” 

Dedra felt anger bubbling up in her at that. Or was that breakfast? Whatever it was she swallowed it down. “So you came to a place where treatment was free.”

“I came for Syril. I know you find that hard to believe.”

“I do. As a mother myself, I would do anything to protect my son, not hurt him.” 

Instead of retorting, Eedy began to cough. Dedra felt oddly vindicated. 

“Tell Syril he needs to see me.”

“That’s for him to decide,” Dedra repeated. 

“I still don’t know why he stays with you,” Eedy was slowly falling back into her old tricks. “He’s bringing shame to the family name.” 

“Actually, he uses my last name now,” Dedra said, calmly inspecting her nails. “So does our son.” 

“He married you?” 

“If you must know, it’s more of a common law situation. We have the kids tying us together more than anything.” Dedra said, gritting her teeth to hide a sudden grimace. Rinè tilted her head, concerned, but Dedra waved her off for now.

“Will you at least tell me about him?”

“Who?”

“My grandson.”

“You mean my son.” Dedra corrected. “He isn’t yours in any capacity.”

If it were anyone else, Dedra would enjoy talking the ears off someone about her son. With Eedy, she was much more taciturn.

“He’ll be eight months in a few weeks, but you probably knew that since you can do math.”

“I wasn’t aware of his birthday.”

“Pity.”

Eedy’s eyes flashed again at her insolence. 

“Is there anything else you need to get off your chest?” Dedra asked, leaning forward in her chair to make it seem like she was looking closer but in reality was reacting to the cramping sensation in her belly.

“I wish Syril had never met you.” 

And there it was. Dedra knew it was coming, that Eedy was at least thinking it, but at least now she had an obvious insult to report back on. Eedy had no idea of Dedra’s true reason for being here. 

“I’ll let Syril know you’re thinking of him, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. It’s clear you haven’t learned your lesson or your place in his life.” Dedra commented as she stood. The room swam for a moment as blood rushed to her extremities-

Rine wrapped an arm around her, steadying her and led her out of the room. “Let’s go in here,” she suggested, pointing into an empty room down the hall. 

“It’s been a rough few days,” Dedra began to explain, but then she saw the worried look on Rinè’s face. She called for her son, and ordered an ultrasound immediately.

Dedra’s heart sank. “What’s wrong?” 

“I don't know yet. I just know that something’s off.”

It seemed that Dedra wouldn’t be escaping a transvaginal ultrasound after all; however the terror she felt in the pit of her stomach meant it hardly mattered.

Dedra breathed a sigh of relief when she heard a heartbeat. “So, it was just cramps and a random spike in blood pressure?”

Aay’han set his jaw as he turned the screen around. “You have a healthy baby,” he confirmed, pointing out the little white blob in the sea of black static.. “But, right here…” he pointed to a space beside that only looked to Dedra like part of a bad reading until it was focused on. “It looks like a second gestational sac, but the embryo stopped growing.”

Rinè cringed at the delivery of Aay’han’s words as she let Dedra squeeze her hand. 

“I don’t— I don’t understand.”

“You were expecting twins,” Aay’han simplified. “But one of them stopped developing, and your body is trying to miscarry the embryo even while you still have another healthy one.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why did I miscarry?” Dedra asked. 

“I’m not sure; twenty-five percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. I’m sure you’ve done everything right, but pregnancy is always unpredictable.”

“What do I do now?” Dedra continued to gather her options.

“Monitor the remaining embryo carefully until your symptoms have passed. Luckily it seems like the healthy one has their own sac and access to the placenta, so should be fine as things progress.”

Dedra leaned back, forcing herself to look away from the screen. From her failure. 

“I’d like to see Syril.”

“Of course, I’ll call him for you.” Aay’han said and left the room. He moved to turn off the scan, but Dedra stopped him. She wasn't ready yet.

She and Rinè were silent until Syril entered the room, face grim. Kilyr was left with Aay’han for the moment.

Dedra was still feeling sick and disoriented; her blood pressure was yet to return to normal. But as much as she needed Syril’s comfort- she couldn’t bear to look him in the eye. 

“What is it?” She heard him say. “Dedra, are you alright?”

She didn’t move. 

Rinè took Syril’s arm gently and explained, and the words cut Dedra to the core even if Rinè spoke softly so she wouldn’t hear.

“So, what do we do next?” Syril asked. 

We.

Dedra was still getting used to “we”, even after all this time. Crises were not meant to be shared… at least, that’s what she always told herself.

“She may experience cramping and a bit of bleeding, but that can be considered normal, given the circumstances. It’s so early on, the body usually reabsorbs the twin who passed away. That’s why the other sac was empty.”

“I see.” 

Rinè left the room quietly after that, giving the two a moment to process alone together. Dedra was still too ashamed to face him, but felt his weight shift the bed as he laid down beside her. 

“I didn’t even know it was happening,” she whispered. 

“It’s alright, Dedra,” he said quietly, wrapping his arm around her.

“No it’s not!” She exclaimed. “I wasn’t strong enough to keep this from happening, or I must have done something wrong…”

“You couldn't have known, you’re the most careful person I know.”

Dedra was trying so hard not to cry that she hiccuped instead, burying her face in her elbow. 

“Are you in pain?” Syril asked.

“No, not now,” Dedra gestured to the IV drip that was multipurpose, providing her hydration, pain medication and the steroid for her heart. She’d need to up the dose again for awhile while she was pregnant again.

“We’ve got our little Kael or Koa,” Syril whispered. “It’s gonna be alright.” 

“Maybe I just got too stressed—“

“Dedra,” Syril practically begged. His arms grew tighter around her. He didn’t like seeing her like this, talking about herself so harshly…

“I’m sorry,” she whispered back, hearing him sniff loudly behind her, trying to force his tears back in before more landed on the back of her neck.

Chapter Text

Kilyr got to have a sleepover at his ‘grandparents’ that evening, as Dedra’s blood pressure was still unstable and Syril didn’t want to leave her side, especially not with his mother so close by, even if she didn’t have anything to do with what happened.

It took some pressing, but Dedra relayed most of what Eedy had said, which was just more of what she’d said before. Apparently, Syril’s mother was still in denial about Syril’s attraction to Dedra but still wanted to see the grandchildren that came out of it.

It simply wasn’t happening.

Syril forgot how close his mother was; just down the hall from Dedra’s room. He could hear her call for him sometimes because she knew he was there, but he never answered. 

The night Dedra came home, Syril had her favorite meal waiting, along with a bath set up as soon as she finished eating and said goodnight to Kilyr. 

Luckily, there was no more bleeding or pain. The rest of the pregnancy should go according to plan. Kilyr seemed at least somewhat aware of changes in his mother: he was more clingy now and getting a slight sleep regression. He wanted to stand on his own, but couldn’t balance quite yet.

Dedra wanted to beg him to stop growing so much, but also found herself excited for the day she could spend time talking to her son, and he would understand her and even respond more than he already did. His first birthday was now much too close— Dedra was ranting to Tracyn just the other day about how much her friend missed due to her three-month deployment.

“Auntie Tracyn’s missed a lot, huh?” She asked, then chided him gently as he clambered over her, falling flat against her chest and knocking the breath out of her. “Remember, mama’s got a baby in her belly.”

Kilyr lifted his head to look at her, staring straight back at her with his big grey eyes. 

“You thinking it over?” Dedra teased. 

In response, Kilyr patted her belly thoughtfully and murmured something that sounded like a cohesive sound.

Dedra sat up quickly. “What was that?” 

“Mama!” Kilyr giggled, rolling off her and onto the floor. Luckily the nursery had foam a few meters up the walls to prevent injuries from rough play.

“Are you talking now?” She cooed, trying to hide the waver in her voice. Maybe he was just imitating her, maybe he wasn’t already so grown up…

“We’ll have to show your dad when he gets home,” Dedra said, sniffing. “I stayed home because you’re supposed to be napping, but I don’t think either of us are really in the mood.”

Kilyr shook his head, burying it in her chest. Contact with her son was different than that from her partner, but still electrifying and pleasant in its own way. Maybe it was her body saying I made this child; he is a part of me. Syril could probably explain something about blood or stem cells now that he was so invested in medicinal studies. Dedra was happy he’d found his passion; the Empire didn't promote many medical careers, much less well paying ones.

Kilyr perked up when he heard footsteps on their porch, along with the familiar hum of his father’s hoverchair. He always enjoyed greeting Syril at the door, but Dedra was suddenly too tired to get up. 

It didn’t matter, anyway. Kilyr would crawl his way over.

A few minutes later a familiar shadow loomed over her. “Comfortable?”

Dedra sighed. “Hello, Cyn.” 

Her friend joined her on the floor without hesitation, head just a few centimeters from Dedra’s as they stared up at the ceiling. Syril had found some glowing stars to hang from the ceiling, and it was a nice touch for the nursery. 

“How far along are you?” 

“Sixteen weeks; you’ve missed a lot.”

“So I’ve heard.” 

Dedra squeezed Tracyn’s cool hand. “How are you?”

“I’ve picked up the trail of something I don’t like. Did you know that every Kinderblock is now under Imperial sanction?”

Whatever Dedra was expecting, it was not anything to do with a kinderblock. She audibly cringed, covering it up by placing a hand to her belly as if reacting to a kick instead of Tracyn’s words.

“Tracyn.”

“Hmm?”

“I grew up in a kinderblock,” Dedra said. “It’s a terrible place void of love and respect. I was lucky not to end up in the killing rooms.”

“Killing rooms?” 

“It’s where they kept the undesirables to forget about them. Disabled and girls, mostly, though it depended on the location and the culture of the planet.”

Tracyn shifted uncomfortably, then turned on her side. “We need to do something.”

“Like what?” But Dedra could already see the gears turning in her friend’s head. 

“I think we’re gonna rescue some kids,” Tracyn declared. “Aidan has a feeling the kinderblocks are being used as recruiting centers, which wouldn't surprise me at all.”

Dedra held her belly tighter. She couldn’t imagine something so terrible happening to her baby, much less anyone else’s. “Make the call.”

Syril wasn’t too happy about Dedra leaving Pabu while pregnant, but knew she was too determined to stay put. Learning about the Empire taking over the Kinderblocks made her angrier than Syril ever saw before; and she still hadn’t told everything that went on in there.

He told her goodbye when she left with Tracyn, after making her promise to call every night. 

And then he forced himself to go to the medcenter. Dedra was unable to bring herself to blame Eedy for the miscarriage, but Syril wasn’t stupid; he knew Dedra was extremely stressed about whatever Eedy had said and it couldn’t have helped.

I’m a terrible partner; even worse of a father. I let Dedra into that lion’s den and now we’re all suffering. 

So Syril would see his mother one last time before she was completely gone. She would think it was for reconciliation, but it would be the opposite. 

Cole gave Eedy some kind of steroid to keep her fully awake for the visit. 

“I’m not playing any games with you, mother,” Syril insisted, staring straight out of the window of Eedy’s room. He refused to look directly at her. “You’ve refused to leave us alone. If you ever leave this medcenter I will ensure you’ll never step foot near my family again.”

“I’m your mother, Syril.” Clearly Eedy thought this was an effective argument, still. “I’m family, too.”

“That’s not how it works anymore. I have children of my own, they’re my priority. And my priority is keeping them away from your abuse.”

Abuse. 

He’d finally said it aloud.

Eedy just scoffed. “I never abused you, Syril.” 

“You slapped Dedra last time you were here,” Syril reminded her. “And abuse isn’t just physical. Your years of controlling my life are proof of that.”

“I did what was best—“

“For you.” Syril interrupted. “You did whatever you could to control my life. Did you even know I wanted to be a doctor, mother? Did you even care? You forced me into the Empire because of Uncle Harlo and I would have ended up dead if not for a miracle.”

“I didn’t slap Dedra, that Jedi stopped it.” Eedy was referring back to the earlier argument to be petty. She knew she was losing. She was losing her son.

Syril knew she’d already lost him. Anger flared up; so his mother had meant to slap Dedra, even admitted it in passing. And for some reason that pissed him off the most, more than the stalking or the harassment. 

It must have been paternal instincts. 

“I will not have you around my children,” Syril said firmly. “I will not see you again until the viewing at your funeral. I hope you enjoyed getting to know Dedra, because you’ll never see her again, either.” 

“She can see me if she wants to.” Kriff, this lady didn’t know how to make priorities. I just told her I’m going no contact and she’s suddenly concerned about Dedra? Does she seriously think Dedra will fold more than I will? Is it because Dedra’s pregnant? 

“Goodbye, mother.”

As if teasing her, Eedy saw him leaning over to pick up a laughing baby that crawled over to him. She got a quick glance of dark red curls, and then the door closed and her son and grandson were gone.

Any normal person would have self-reflected. Eedy Karn just wondered what was so wrong with her son to think she would ever do anything to her grandchildren since she’d done nothing but the best for him. 

The steroid shot ran out; the pain returned. 

Eedy Karn closed her eyes.

“Good?” Cole asked when Syril came back down the hall.

“It’s over now,” Syril confirmed. “Just let me know when she passes but I won’t be visiting again.”

“Got it. Need anything?”

“To work,” Syril insisted. “Keep my mind off things. Dedra’s gone and I can’t do anything about it.” 

“I think she’s having a hard time right now.” Cole went on. “But… I’m not a woman, so I won’t talk for one.”

“Well then, that doesn’t help me much.” 

“You should talk to my wife,” Cole said, since Syril wasn’t getting the hint. 

“Oh, you’re right, I should. She’s probably the only other one who knows Dedra as well as I do.”

“Another thing—“ Cole put one of his arms around Syril and squeezed, which was a bit awkward given the height difference. “Women are emotional beings, and that’s not a bad thing at all, but it’s good to remember. Find out where her head’s at.” 

“I will, thank you.” 

“Of course.” 

Kilyr had witnessed the whole conversation without making a peep, instead busy with one of his newest puzzle toys. He didn’t even look up until Syril was at Rinè’s. 

“Hello there,” she cooed, scooping the boy up into her arms before hugging Syril. It was comforting at the moment, seeing as Syril’s own mother never showed outward affection like it. “What do we owe the pleasure?”

“I’m worried about Dedra,” Syril said, clearing his throat. “Cole said you might have some insight.”

“I was leading an army at eight months pregnant,” Riné said. “Dedra will be alright on a little scouting mission.”

“That’s not exactly what I worry about.” 

Rinè gestured to the couch, offering him to sit. He accepted, and soon there were cups of tea in front of them. 

“I had two miscarriages between Verco and the girls. It’s the kind of thing that stays with you for a while. If I had to guess, Dedra is grieving through her own way. Maybe she feels that if she can save the kids in the kinderblock, she can save hers, too.”

“That’s not fair.”

“No, it’s not, but it’s how the mind works, sometimes.” Rinè redirected Kilyr’s hand away from her cup. “Let me go get him a snack instead.”

Kilyr began chewing on his hand impatiently. Syril gave him a sideways glance. “You’re too cute for your own good, you know? Got everyone wrapped around your little finger.”

“That’s just how it is when there’s no other babies to spoil,” Rinè came back with a pouch of puréed fruit. “Suum’ika’s gone with Verco right now, so all of my attention is here.” 

Kilyr squealed his approval as he ate, kicking his legs gratefully. They were so long now and just kept growing, soon he would be as tall as Syril if he didn’t stop—

Quit overthinking, he chided. He’s still so small, and has so much to learn…

“Dada,” Kilyr murmured, like he was chiding Syril for thinking so hard. He spread his tiny arms wide, leaving the pouch dangling from his mouth. “Dada, no.” 

“I know, I try not to worry…” being corrected by a nearly one-year-old for an unknown reason was almost embarrassing. 

Surely Dedra will be back in time for his first birthday.  

At least Kilyr was an easy baby to take care of; he ate well and cooperated for bath time, and snuggled up to Syril so they could call Dedra for bedtime.

“Have you stolen my spot?” She teased the boy. 

Kilyr giggled, burying his face in Syril’s chest. Dedra noted that her son’s pajama pants were already too short after only a few weeks. 

“I made his favorite for dinner,” Syril explained. “Mashed potatoes with a side of steak.”

“I think you have that backwards,”

“You’ve seen how many potatoes he consumes, I think it was like half his body weight.”

“Impressive.”

“How’re you feeling?”

“A bit nauseous, but I think I’m just nervous about confronting my past. These are just kids, Syril, and I don’t know what the Empire will do to them except turn them into soldiers like we were.”

“How old?”

“I’m not sure yet. We’ve not arrived… but I miss my little boy so much I hope there's at least one baby.”

Dedra’s eyes softened and drifted to Kilyr; Syril could tell that the boy was asleep, his breaths were deep and long now. 

“I talked to my mother today,” Syril said now that Kilyr’s little ears couldn’t hear. “I told her that you and I agreed on no contact, period. She’ll probably be gone within the next few days, anyhow.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not. She hurt us too many times.” 

Us.

“Is he asleep?” Dedra asked. 

“Yes,” Syril responded, adjusting the camera so she could see their son. “He’s very… starfish-y.” 

“It’s those long legs, he has nowhere to put them so they just go-“ Dedra mimed an arrow.

“You’re acting like you don’t nearly kick me off the bed sometimes.” 

“I do not!” She protested.

“Yes you do, and then you blame me for snoring.”

“Whatever,” Dedra rolled her eyes somewhere across the galaxy as the baby kicked, demanding her attention.

“Dedra?”

“Hmmm?”

“Stay safe, please. And help those children.”

“I will,” she said. “I promise.”

Chapter Text

Tracyn shook her awake soon after, Dedra was dozing again. 

“It’s time to get ready,” she said. They had acquired Imperial uniforms as disguises; Dedra was half-hoping that her bump would prevent her from wearing one again. 

“Your insignia’s upside down,” she told Aidan, who looked down at the single blue square.

“It’s a blue square.”

“And it’s upside down,” Dedra insisted. “Just fix it.”

Tracyn had spent several minutes using makeup to cover up the red splotches on Aidan’s face, that way if any real Imperial officers gave them trouble he would look human enough. 

When it was Dedra’s turn to change, she tried sucking in her belly as much as it would go to no avail. “I don’t think this is going to work.”

“We’ve got a few other sizes.” Tracyn turned back to a large storage crate, and Dedra found herself wondering how the Rebellion ended up with so many Imperial uniforms… and then remembered the unprecedented number of desertions and POWs within the past years. 

“To be fair, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a pregnant Imperial officer.” Aidan offered. “Or really… even a woman.”

“It’s rare, but not unheard of. The Empire prided itself on what is essentially a breeding program. Most women were taking care of children before they could reach higher ranks.” 

“I did hear something about that.” Aidan stuffed his long hair under his Imperial cap. 

“Feels weird,” Tracyn said as she tugged at the collar of her own grey uniform. “And what is with these pants?”

Dedra smirked a bit, she’d often felt the same thing. Right now, she felt like a traitor… but to whom? Or what?

“Let’s just get this over with. As soon as we have a head count, I’m headed back to the ship to get ready for departure.” Dedra adjusted her belt again.

She’d never stepped foot in a kinderblock that wasn’t the one she grew up in. However, from the outside it seemed the same as Coruscant; imposing walls void of color, dead grass and trees in the yard, and almost no evidence of the children inside. Recess was a privilege that relied heavily on imagination since there was no play equipment.

“It’s smaller than I expected,” Aidan murmured.

"There's probably more than one child in a room.” Dedra said curtly, stalking forward toward the door. 

“I expected security.” Tracyn admitted. 

“No one’s crazy enough to break in. It’s getting out that's harder.”

The doors swished open automatically, revealing an unmanned desk. 

“Maybe they were warned?” Aidan wondered. 

“Or maybe they’ve been abandoned. Come on.”

She could sense the fear from her youth as she forced herself further down the halls: how many hashmarks did she end up making in her room?

Five thousand, four hundred and seventy-eight days.

“Dedra?”

She’d stopped walking, hands trembling. She quickly hid them inside her jacket. “I’m fine.”

“Hello?” Aidan called, voice echoing down the hall. “Kids?”

“That’s not gonna work-“ Tracyn protested, but Aidan quickly shushed her. 

A baby’s crying floated through the air.

Dedra didn’t think, she just began to move. Her head and her heart hurt for this child, whom she’d never even seen— but she knew them. 

She knew what it felt like to be alone and unwanted, scared of every noise.

All this was exasperated by her maternal instincts.

“Dedra, wait up!”

“Don’t you hear?” She insisted, increasing the speed of her steps.

“We need to disable their warning system first,” Aidan reminded as he caught her by the shoulder. “The control room is that way.”

“It’s like a prison,” Dedra heard Tracyn murmur. Everything was plain and devoid of color, designed to make children’s minds understimulated and more receptive.

Upon reaching the control room, Aidan held up three fingers, counting down before he shot the control panel and led the way inside. 

“There’s no one here!” He exclaimed a few minutes later out of frustration. There was, however, a blinking indicator on a map display. 

“They already know we’re here,” Dedra realized. “They’re loading the kids up to evacuate.”

Thinking back to the schematics, Tracyn worked through possibilities in her head. “Dedra, stay and access the children’s files. Aidan and I will go catch them before the Imperial ship leaves orbit.”

Dedra turned back to the console, slipping a stolen card into a port to gain access. 

Twenty-three. There were 23 children in the kinderblock. No names; just ages and identification numbers.

Her hands shook as she transferred the information to her datapad. At least the kids could be helped back home now.

If home’s still there. 

She wondered how many of these children were actually orphans or just forcibly taken, like she was. ‘Criminal’ was subjective in the case of her parents. Anti-Republic, more like.

Dedra’s own records were probably still out there, somewhere in the databank of Coruscant’s kinderblock. 

As she promised to Aidan and Tracyn, Dedra made her way back to the shuttle. She couldn’t hear the baby crying anymore, which terrified her. Or maybe she was actually a bit crazy and sleep-deprived.

The children would be in lockdown before evacuation, she realized. If I can sabotage their ships, I can ensure that ours is the only way off planet. 

Code cylinder in hand, Dedra opened the durablast door to the outside world. It was bright, she had to shield her eyes. Only now was she noticing the rather beautiful fauna of the planet Kaiyo: its trees were covered in small pink flowers. 

On the landing pad were two lambda-class shuttles: the one Dedra, Aidan, and Tracyn used to get to the planet and another that belonged to the staff here on the kinderblock. 

And now, she couldn't recall which was which, only after pressing the button on her commlink did the ramp lower on the shuttle to the left, indicating that was the one she’d traveled in. 

But the other could be useful, too.

Dedra was no mechanic, but she knew enough about how to hotwire a shuttle. She pried the panel open with a tool on her belt and almost immediately chipped the nail of her pointer finger- one of the consequences of pregnancy was brittle fingernails only made worse with her tendency to pick her cuticles when nervous.

“Kriff!” She shouted, shaking her hand as if to rid it of pain.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a shadow hurry behind her and the sound of a branch cracking. Then, she heard a frantic sound of someone shushing a baby, the same way she calmed Kilyr after a sudden noise or a bump to the head.

“Hello?” She called. 

I must have found the culprit, Dedra thought as she went back around the ramp, keeping an eye out for shadows and broken branches.

“I won’t hurt you,” she added, quieter. Maybe it would be a good idea to take off her cap, show her face.

Cautiously, she began her way up the ramp, fingers twitching on her holster. 

Just inside the shuttle’s entrance huddled a young girl, no more than five years old. She held a baby, currently satiated by sucking on the girl’s thumb.

“Hi, there,” Dedra said, kneeling down with difficulty. “What are you doing here? Do you know where the other children are?”

The girl’s big brown eyes seemed terrified and she shook her head. “I just got here. My uncle left me.”

“Your sister?” Dedra referred to the baby. As for the girl’s situation, it wasn’t uncommon. Kinderblocks were considered safe houses to abandon children.

“I think she’s hungry but I can’t help. My uncle said there would be food here.” The girl was so small and thin, Dedra wondered the last time she’d eaten . Aand the baby— she was probably not doing well either.

“What about your parents?”

The girl's eyes began to water, and Dedra knew she’d made a mistake. Clearly the girl was an orphan like her.

“There’s food in the shuttle,” she said. “Even for the baby.”

“Are you part of the Empire?” The girl sniffed. 

“No, I’m just here to help the kids here at the kinderblock.” A small white lie. “My name’s Dedra, what’s yours?”

“Zena.” 

“Zena,” Dedra repeated, leading her gently up the ramp of the correct shuttle. (Verified by stacks of the trio’s non-Imperial clothing waiting for them.) “And your sister’s?”

“She doesn’t have one,” Zena said quietly. “She’s only two days old.”

Dedra briefly considered how other countries and cultures handled naming traditions. “May I?”

Zena hesitated, but in the end handed her over. “Do you have food for her, too?”

“I just so happen to,” Dedra said, reaching for the milk she’d pumped earlier. It wasn’t colostrum, what newborns truly needed, but it would work as long as the baby would have it.

No bottle made things a bit more difficult, but Dedra remembered a trick back to when Kilyr was teething and wouldn’t latch. All he wanted to do was chew on something soft, so she would soak the corner of a towel in the milk and let him suck it out.

“There we go,” she said as did the same trick for the little baby, who began to eat. It would be something, at least, until future arrangements were made.

To Zena, Dedra gave her a ration bar. It was all she had at the moment, but once they got to Pabu she could cook whatever the girl wanted.

Wait-

Why was Dedra already thinking about that?

She refocused herself by looking down at the baby. She was nowhere near the size Kilyr was as a newborn. 

“Zena?” Dedra asked. “Was your sister born early?”

“No. Just small. My uncle said it wasn’t worth keeping her.”

If she hadn’t heard all of the stories from fellow girls in the kinderblock, Dedra would have been horrified. She knew what a dark place the galaxy could be.

“We’ll just have to take good care of her, then.” Dedra said, continuing her task. She could feel Zena’s eyes on her the entire time as the girl slowly nibbled on the ration bar, probably trying to savor it. Savoring a ration bar— now there was a thought!

Sudden commotion outside had Dedra hold the baby girl closer to her as she hurried to put herself between the ramp and Zena. 

“Was that blasters?!” The girl cried.

“Try to stay right here,” Dedra insisted, her own blaster just inches from her hand if needed. But the shots didn’t sound Imperial issued. Obviously she, Tracyn and Aidan had agreed on avoiding all violence around the kids, so they must have found the absentee administrators.

A few moments later, rapid footsteps ascended the ramp. Dedra’s hand twitched, but then saw who they belonged to: a boy only slightly older than Talo, with a large streak of white down his face and through his black hair. It would have been a cool fashion statement if it hadn’t landed him in the kinderblock for whatever reason. Maybe, like Zena, he had a family who thought only of looks. So far, the planet hadn’t really impressed her in that regard.

The boy was thin. Gaunt, really, as he looked around the shuttle in confusion. “This is the ship that’s going to take us home, right?”

Dedra nodded, hoping with all her heart that most of these children would be going home. There were probably some whose families just needed support to care for children, and others whose parents wouldn’t take them but other family members would. Anything would be better than here. 

And if all else failed, Dedra knew Pabu would be a better place for a non-Imperial environment, although she may not have thought that far ahead, or at least didn’t remember the solution they’d come up with... 

The boy turned around and gestured, and more children gradually came up the ramp. Soon the entire cargo hold was full.

And finally, Aidan and Tracyn appeared. The latter held her shoulder, but otherwise they seemed fine. 

“We found some guards,” Aidan explained. “They’ll wake up soon, have to explain their failure themselves or perhaps take the other way out.” 

“Good.” Dedra couldn’t wait to make her way through all the information she’d stolen before wiping the center’s files. 

But that would have to wait; these kids needed to get home.

Chapter Text

Syril was waiting for her as the shuttle landed. Dedra had a feeling he would, but it was still nice to see him and hear Kilyr shout her name. 

“Hey there,” she mumbled, after rushing forward as quickly as she could and folding her son in her arms. She hadn’t even realized how much she’d missed him until she had him back in her arms.

“Did you keep your dad out of trouble?” Dedra asked, smoothing down Kilyr’s stubborn curls.

“He was a good distraction,” Syril agreed, kissing her cheek quickly. Public displays of affection —even with no one paying them any mind— was still so foreign to both of them. 

“How’re you feeling?” He asked, sliding his hand down her free arm to take her hand. 

“Better now that I’m back.”

“How’re the girls?”

Dedra stared for a few seconds before realizing she’d mentioned Zena and her sister over comm. “I want to get them both looked over. All the kids, really. I think they’re all a bit malnourished, the baby worst of all. I fed her what I could.” 

“We’ll take care of the rest,” Syril agreed as he watched volunteers help the children off the shuttle. One little girl, not much older than five, suddenly broke away from an adult and rushed toward the two of them, throwing herself against Dedra.

“Please don’t leave me,” she whimpered, muffled against Dedra’s hip.

With effort, Dedra knelt down to the girl’s level. “I’m not going anywhere, Zena. If you wait a few moments, I can take you to the medcenter and I promise I’ll stay there the whole time.” 

Kilyr mumbled inquisitively, reaching out a hand for Zena as he held tightly to his mother with the other. 

“You must be Zena,” Syril said. He smiled convincingly enough for the kids, but Dedra could tell it was forced. 

She’d ask later. They needed to get Zena looked over and also see what could be done for her sister.

Zena peeked out at Syril. “Dedra said you make really good food.”

Syril couldn’t help but chuckle. “I suppose I do; are you hungry?” 

A nod.

“How about this: we’ll get you checked out and then I can show you how it’s done. I can make whatever you want.”

Zena nodded again, letting up on her grip on Dedra’s hand just a bit. Dedra tried to hide her groan as she stood back up and several bones in her back popped.

In the medcenter, Cole took the two girls’ height, weight, and temperature. Zena was healthy albeit a bit light, and her baby sister was much worse off.

“She’s fighting off an infection,” Cole reported. “It was good you were able to feed her; she wouldn’t have made it through the night otherwise.”

“But she’s not even crying,” Dedra said dumbly. “I didn’t even know she was sick.”

“I believe she is too weak to cry. She needs to gain at least three kilos before she can leave, and I’m putting her on oxygen and antibiotics.”

“How are the other children?” Syril wondered, wrapping an arm around Dedra’s waist reassuringly.

“Fine, now that they’re being looked after. Phee’s making contact with any family members they might have left, or finding homes for those who don’t.” 

“Good,” Dedra set her lip. 

“Does the little one have a name?” Cole inquired, directing the question mostly at Zena. Again, the girl explained that she didn’t.

“What would you like to call her?” Syril urged, and Zena tensed up, unsure and still not used to his attention. 

“We’ll think about it,” Dedra covered for Zena and the girl looked relieved. “Let’s go try to get some rest, Zena, and we’ll visit her again later.”

Dedra only hoped that she’d pull through. 

After a bath and a meal, Zena curled up between them, snoring softly. Over dinner, Syril gradually won her over and Dedra was confident Zena now had Syril wrapped around her little finger. Kilyr, too, seemed enamored by the newcomer and was never passing up the opportunity to sleep in his parents’ bed.

“Will you tell me what happened now?” Dedra asked, pressing a hand to her belly where the baby moved. 

“My mother,” Syril said, and Dedra knew immediately what happened. “She’s gone. And I'm not sure what I’m feeling.”

“Are you able to use words?” She prodded.

“I don’t think so,” he said. “Not yet. But I’m glad you know, now.”

She reached for his hand and squeezed, but the contact wasn’t enough. Carefully she crawled around the sleeping children and slotted herself into his arms.

“There’s still a baby in the way,” he protested lightly.

“Shut up,” she retorted, muffled against his chest. She’d missed his scent over the past few days, even if pregnancy made her complain about his cologne at random times. 

“Does she kick a lot?” Syril wondered. “More or less than Kilyr?”

“He is constantly busy. I think he’s too tall for his current prison.” 

“Should we find out the sex after all?” 

“Nah, we’ve only got a few months left,” Dedra said. “But I do have a feeling. Mother’s intuition if you will.”

Syril’s larger hand joined Dedra’s on her bump, just in time to feel a kick. 

Despite how comfortable she was, Dedra couldn’t sleep. After getting up to use the ‘fresher, she pulled on a jacket and stepped outside into the darkness. Her feet took her to the medcenter like some sort of autopilot.

Ciri greeted her with a smile. “Hello, Dedra. Here to check up on the baby?”

“How is she?” 

“Much better. I think she’s going to be alright since her body is responding well to antibiotics.”

“I brought more milk if she’s able to have it.”

“We’ll supplement, the formula is high protein to help her put on some weight. I checked and she’s already gained about two hundred grams.”

“That’s good,” Dedra agreed. “Can I see her?”

“Sure.” Ciri moved out of the way so she could go back to the nursery. 

It looked worse than it was; Ciri explained they had to keep things like a feeding tube in place with tape. Despite it all, she seemed comfortable.

“Hey there, Zee.” Dedra whispered to the little girl. They still hadn’t come up with a name, but she assumed it would start with the same letter as her sister’s. The nickname would work for now. “It’s Dedra, again.” 

The baby girl cooed happily, and Dedra’s heart soared. Ciri was right about her already looking better. 

“You can hold her if you want,” Ciri said. “The warmth would be good for her.” 

Dedra settled into the nursery’s rocking chair, gently shushing the baby as she fussed. 

It wasn’t long before her comm vibrated, meaning Syril must have noticed her absence. Dedra explained herself, and he understood and said he’d be there after the kids had breakfast.

How domestic, Dedra found herself thinking. 

“Will you be going back out anytime soon?” Ciri wondered as he made his rounds.

“I don’t know; I went on this first mission partly for selfish reasons,” Dedra admitted. “I know there are other kinderblocks but I don’t see myself leaving again until after my youngest is weaned.” 

“Makes sense,” Ciri nodded. Dedra watched him clean the room and check on baby Zee’s vitals.

“She loves you,” he smiled up to his eyes. He was obviously older now, a fact which bothered Dedra knowing about the clone accelerated aging. “Her heart rate and body temperature is back in normal range.”

“Remind me, do you have kids?” Dedra asked. 

“No,” Ciri shook his head. “Although, Damiir’s looking after a few of the children from the kinderblock while we try to locate their family. I hope to reunite them, but if no one’s found…”

Dedra understood the sentiment all too well. 

The baby girl cooed as she soothed herself to sleep, burying her face against Dedra’s chest. Her whole body jumped when her unborn sibling kicked, startling her.

“Are you two fighting already?” Dedra murmured. “So much for sharing.”

Syril, Kilyr and Zena arrived an hour later, bringing some food with them for Dedra. Zena handed it to Dedra but she figured the thought was originally from Syril.

“I think we’ve decided on a name,” Syril said, gazing at the little baby. “Zena, you wanna tell her?”

“Zira,” Zena said. “It was almost the same as a name on your list; I liked the way it sounds.”

Obviously the original name had been Kira, one of the possibilities for the baby in Dedra’s womb. 

“I love it,” Dedra said. “It’s a good choice; do you wanna hold Zira, Zena? She's doing a lot better today.”

Kilyr’s hand reached out to point at the feeding tube, “Mama, that?”

“It’s a special device that gives Zira food so she can grow. It’s hard for her to eat on her own.” Syril parked his chair next to Dedra as she savored every bite of the breakfast pastry. “I hope you weren’t too worried.”

“I had a feeling about where you might be,” Syril smiled softly. “Poor Zena had a few nightmares, but otherwise it was a peaceful night.” 

“It’s once Kilyr starts walking that the house will get exponentially busier.”

“Not the whole other baby?”

“We’ve had a baby before.” 

She could see in his face that Syril was a bit skeptical about her statement. “I was thinking…”

Dedra knew what was coming, but still felt excited to hear it. 

“I think we’ll turn the office into a room for Zira. We can just work in the living room if we need to.” 

“So you want them to stay?”

“I thought that was a given,” Dedra said. “We’ll take her shopping after your shift’s over.”

However, when they told Zena the plan, the girl seemed upset.

“I don’t want to be alone,” she whispered.

“That’s alright,” Dedra said quickly, putting an arm around her. It was too difficult to lean down. “You can share with Kilyr until you’re more comfortable. Eventually, you’ll need your own space and we’ll be ready.”

That seemed like a fair compromise to Zena, who was slowly catching on to what everything meant.

“Are you my new parents?”

“Only if you would like,” Syril assured her. “We just want to take care of you and keep you safe.” 

The girl nodded, biting her nails nervously. There were so many new changes, she didn’t know what to do. Luckily, Syril and Dedra were patient with her and tucked her in for her second night in the household that evening. 

Dedra and Syril finally had some time alone. She practically melted into the couch as Syril cleaned spontaneously, looking toward Dedra anytime she groaned. 

“Is she nocturnal?" He asked, sympathetically.

“No. Just big,” Dedra responded. “Earlier today, he was estimated to be about two kilos, and I still have three months to go.”

“We might need to consider induction,” Syril said softly.

“If that’s what’s best,” Dedra agreed. After going through labor once, she had a more pessimistic view of it. “Whatever keeps us both safe. I’d like to have a nice experience again, but anything can happen.”

Syril hummed a low note as he dusted off the mantle, then slowly stopped as the duster neared the small, clay vase looking item.

“I had my mother cremated,” he said suddenly.  

The fact Eedy had passed escaped Dedra’s mind. “I meant to bring it up.”

“She wanted to see Kilyr but I didn’t let her. I don’t regret it.”

“When did she pass?”

“A few hours after you left. Her heart finally gave out; Cole said it was like falling asleep.”

“That’s a bit reassuring, I guess. She wasn’t in too much pain.”

“No,” Syril agreed. “I feel petty; I know she wanted to be buried in the family plot on Coruscant, but it seemed too dangerous. Plus, I wonder if I thought I could hurt her by dishonoring her wishes, but she’ll never find out anyway.”

Dedra didn’t have very many words to offer, just opened her arms for Syril to relax into. He sighed heavily, transferring himself from his chair to the couch.

“I didn’t protect you from her very well, even if you were gracious enough to try to get along.”

“You don’t need to keep apologizing for that,” Dedra insisted.

“I feel bad for not having any good memories,” Syril continued, gradually leaning into her. “Except for the lullaby.”

“Then you just have to hold fast to it,” Dedra suggested. 

Outside, there began the steady patter of raindrops. Dedra knew Syril would sleep well due to the lulling noise, which she was thankful for. 

“Don’t get too comfortable, I need to use the ‘fresher first.”

Syril nodded and let her stand, flopping unceremoniously onto the couch as the rain picked up. There was a flash of lightning, a roll of thunder–

“Mama!”

Dedra jumped so badly she had to steady herself against the wall as Zena hurtled down the hall.

“What’s wrong, did you have a nightmare?” Dedra asked.

“What’s that noise?” The girl demanded, clutching at Dedra’s waist. “It came from the sky and there was a big flash and-”

“It’s just a thunderstorm.”

Zena stared at her, still terrified, and Dedra realized that Zena may not know what a thunderstorm was. Was she even aware of rain? 

“Why don’t you come sit with your dad?” Dedra suggested, “I promise I’ll be right back.”

Despite being skeptical, Zena nodded and used the wall to guide herself toward the living room. After using the ‘fresher, Dedra checked on Kilyr, who slept soundly through the storm. 

That makes one of us, Dedra smiled softly to herself when she found Syril attempting to comfort Zena, who shook so badly the whole couch moved with her. Dedra and Syril’s conversation had been interrupted, but that was how life went with kids.

“Do you know what static electricity is?” Syril was explaining. “When something gets too hot, it explodes. That’s the loud sound you’re hearing, just the sky getting hot. I promise it won’t hurt you.”

“We didn’t have storms like this on Kaiyo,” Zena’s voice was muffled in Syril’s shoulder.

“I think there are lots of things different from Kaiyo here on Pabu. You’re still learning, and it’s okay to be afraid.”

“It’s okay to be afraid,” Zena echoed. “Are you afraid of things?”

“Of course.”

“Like what?”

Dedra leaned forward, interested. Syril caught her out of the corner of his eye and considered his next words carefully as not to annoy her too much.

“I’m afraid I don’t protect my family very well sometimes,” he said. 

“From what? The thunder?”

Syril smiled sadly. “You’ll understand one day.”

The girl’s shaking gradually subsided, although she jumped at the next clap of thunder. Every instinct told her to hide… 

And now she could do that in her new parents’ arms. 

Chapter Text

Zira grew quickly and was able to leave the medcenter after a week. She’d gained all the weight she needed over the week and overcame her infection.

“Would we have gotten smaller clothes?” Syril wondered as Dedra dressed Zira carefully. It had been so long since she’d dressed a newborn and she forgot how stiff they could be, folding their limbs in on themselves to conserve body heat.

“She’ll grow into them,” Dedra didn’t have the heart to tell him that this was an actual newborn size and that Kilyr had just been huge, already wearing three-month clothing at birth. In fact, this might be the only chance to see a child of theirs in actual newborn clothes. “You got her?”

“Of course,” Syril folded the baby gently against his chest, where Zira burrowed into his jacket and gripped his pocket tightly.

At the house, Kilyr was still asleep under Riné’s watchful eye while Zena had gone to school with Talo. Thankfully she was fitting in well; the lessons were in Basic which she knew enough of already. Sometimes, Dedra caught her singing to Zira in their own language and encouraged her by asking what certain words meant.

“Are you excited to see home, Zira?” Syril asked rhetorically as the little family crossed the threshold. It took more effort to step over the lip in the doorway than usual, but Dedra managed. 

One more month, she reminded herself as she stretched out her back. And then I am just about evicting you. 

Syril had continued on down the hallway, he was giving Zira the grand tour as if she could see like a grown person. Dedra knew that he knew better, but it was still adorable to see.

“Are you alright?” Syril asked, suddenly appearing at her side to comfort her. 

“Yes, but… why do we make such big babies?” She attempted as a joke.

“If I knew I would have tried not to.” Syril said. “I didn’t want you to hurt too much.”

“How nice,” she said, taking Zira from him as she began to wake, showing off her hunger cues. 

“She seems so much more comfortable without that feeding tube,” Syril said. 

“Yes; and now she won’t hurt herself by yanking it out.” That happened a few times and gave her a mini heart attack. 

Down the hall, Kilyr began shouting to be taken out of his bed. Luckily he didn’t try to climb the railing, like Syril feared he would. There wasn’t enough for him to hold onto anyway.

“I’ll get him,” Syril said. 

Dedra settled down to get comfortable. Zira ate less at a time than Kilyr had, but more often and with less desperation.

“Good morning, Kilyr.” She greeted her son and his wild bed head. The boy looked dazed for a moment, then grinned at her as he babbled the words back. His speech was about half understandable, the other half was mispronouncing sounds or omitting them entirely. He couldn’t say either of his sister’s names, they were Zee-Zee and Zee-ah to him. 

Kilyr murmured a question as he cuddled up to her, presumably about Zira.

“She’s eating breakfast, just like you used to. Remember, she can’t have food like you can, so I have to give her milk.”

At least Kilyr’s weaned, Dedra thought. It makes things a bit easier. 

“Milk,” Kilyr repeated, probably thinking about the kind that went with his cereal. Dedra watched as he slid backward off the couch, holding onto it on top of his wobbly feet. Dedra wondered if part of the reason he couldn’t walk well was because of the unbalance from his chunky body. 

“Go see dada for breakfast,” she instructed, and he toddled off while holding onto the furniture every few steps. 

She was mama and Syril was dada. That’s what Kilyr decided was going to stick for now.

Over the next month or so, Dedra was getting overheated so easily; her daily uniform consisted of one of Syril’s loose shirts and her softest pajama shorts. Doing her own hair was unmanageable on her own; Syril would do it in a quick braid when she asked.

Dedra forced herself out of bed in order to start trying to kickstart labor. She walked as far as she could manage, ate all the spicy food Syril prepared. She was so desperate she debated begging Syril to have sex because it apparently helped. 

Riné had given her a bemused smile as she explained that method. Dedra thought she was joking: You’re telling me the baby comes out the same way he got in? 

She settled for a citrus drink instead, deciding that she’d give in after three more days.

“I’m on standby,” Riné reminded her. “And Tracyn will head home as soon as she hears.”

“Thank you,” Dedra stretched out her back, whimpering and sighing. “With luck, it’ll be the next few days.”

Dedra made her way back home slowly; Zena would be home soon, and the babies would wake from their nap.

Kilyr seemed rather invested in his new sibling, wanting to feel how the baby moved inside Dedra and asked all sorts of questions, some she didn’t have complete answers to or simply didn’t want to explain when he was this young.

“What do you think, Kilyr?” She asked. “Are you having another sister or a brother? We’ll find out soon.”

The baby thought for a moment, blinked his eyes. “Brother. I want brother.” 

“Do you, now?” Dedra had no idea how kids decided things like that. “I think you could be right; dada thinks they might be a girl, though.”

Kilyr blew a raspberry at the absurdity. Dedra hoped to the stars now that this baby would be a boy as to ease any stress about Kilyr becoming a big brother. 

She couldn’t wait to see Kilyr interact with a new sibling. It made her even more determined to have the baby soon, maybe even this weekend if she could help it.

“You wanna go on a walk with mama?” She asked, and he nodded eagerly. “Okay. Let me make sure your dad knows we’re going.”

Cole had insisted Syril take time off around the time Dedra was supposed to give birth. Probably from experience, Dedra assumed. It was probably a good thing, seeing how useless she felt when it came to helping around the house.

Dedra and Kilyr walked down to the beach. Well, Kilyr walked, Dedra just waddled. Her center of gravity was so off, she felt even bigger than usual.

“You coming, mama?!” Kilyr called. 

“Slowly,” she murmured, finally reaching the sand from the dirt path. “Come help mama with her shoes.”

Kilyr obeyed immediately, which was useful considering Dedra could no longer see her feet. Kilyr tugged off her shoes and she almost immediately dug her toes into the soft sand, then eased herself down in the water.

“Don’t go too far.”

“I’m staying with you,” he insisted, settling down. Dedra didn’t know how he was comfortable with his legs folded on either side of him, but Cole assured Dedra that little kids were much more flexible than adults and it was perfectly normal.

“Mama?”

“Yes, Kilyr?”

“With the baby,” Kilyr began shyly in his broken toddler sentences. “You still love me?”

Stunned, Dedra opened her mouth but couldn’t answer. Instead she pulled him close, and he did his best to get comfortable with her giant baby bump in the way. 

“Of course I do…” Immediately Dedra was frightened that she’d done something to make him ask. “Did mama do something to make you feel that way?”

“No,” Kilyr shook his head. “But, you only have two hands.”

Startled, Dedra tried to hide a laugh. How quickly the conversation turned. “That’s true, but that won’t mean I can’t hold you anymore.” 

“You sure?”

“I’m sure,” Dedra agreed. “I might be more busy when I have to feed the baby, but I will still be there to read you stories and tuck you in. There might be a tiny bit at the beginning where mama wants to be alone, because having a baby is hard work and I’ll need rest. But you’ll help me, won’t you? You’re a good helper.”

Kilyr considered this. “I am.”

“And then, once we’re sure the baby is okay, we can all have a group hug and cuddle before bedtime. I promise. Is that a deal?”

“Can I hold the baby?”

“Of course, as long as you let me show you how first.”

“Then okay.” 

Dedra sighed as Kilyr wrapped his little arms around her neck. A tear threatened to fall out of the corner of her eye as she buried her face into her son’s hair, holding him close.

“I love you so much, big boy.”

“I love you too, mama.” 

They stayed there for a long time. The walk earlier was forgotten; Dedra decided just to let Kilyr soak in these last few days before he was a big brother again. He knew about Zira, but somehow it was different this time. 

The baby thought so, too, sending an urgent pain up her back. 

“I have to stand up,” Dedra whispered to Kilyr, who gradually slid out of her lap. Dedra rolled over onto all fours, gathering up all her effort to ease up to her legs and then straighten all the way.

Kilyr didn’t want to leave her side for the rest of the day, reaching for her hand anytime she so much as breathed heavily. Syril noticed, but didn’t comment: he’d probably hear about it later after the kids were in bed.

Except Dedra didn’t come to bed like normal, Syril found her asleep in the rocking chair with Zira and Kilyr against either shoulder. Zena’s arm was hanging off the bed, like she’d been reaching for her mother before drifting off.

He decided to let Dedra be. If she decided to, she’d come to bed. 

“Syril?”

He mumbled something in his sleep.

“Syril, wake up!”

The urgency in Dedra’s voice had him sitting up immediately. Her eyes were wide in fear and pain.

“Contraction?” He nearly whispered.

She nodded sharply.

“Alright, then, what do you want to do?” 

“Call someone over to watch Kilyr. You and I can take a walk.”

Syril obeyed, of course, scooting into his chair. Dedra was breathing out slowly, yet elegantly. She looked beautiful like this, like always…

“And go check on Zira,” Dedra said. “I think I hear her waking up…”

Having a three-month-old and a newborn was certainly going to be a challenge, but Syril was more than ready to conquer it. Fatherhood was fulfilling beyond his wildest dreams, and getting to experience it alongside Dedra was a privilege he thanked the stars for every day.

“Go, Syril!” She ordered again, gesturing toward the nursery where Zira wailed. The last he saw of her was her leaning on her knees, gripping the headboard.

He rushed as fast as he could, soothing Zira against his chest. Her fussing woke Zena, who blinked tiredly at the interruption. 

“It’s alright,” Syril assured his now-eldest. “I’ve got her.”

Poor thing is still getting used to not being a caretaker.

“Is Mama okay?” Zena insisted. 

“She’s okay, I promise,” Syril combed through the girl’s hair and kissed her forehead, then repeated the process with Kilyr, who barely stirred. 

“Is she having the baby?” Zena insisted.

“Yes.”

Zena blinked her dark blue eyes in an expression that made Syril wonder what she was thinking. Although Zena had fit in well with their family, there was so much they knew she didn’t say; Dedra understood better than Syril could have.

“I don’t want her to die.” 

“What?” Syril returned to Zena’s side, because this was important. “Don’t want who to die?”

“Mama. That’s how my mama died, when Zira was born. Then my uncle took us to the place Mama found us.”

“Well, she’s had a baby before, right?” Syril pointed toward Kilyr, who still slept unawares. “And everything was perfectly fine.”

Zena considered this, it was a valid point. 

“If it makes you feel better, you can come say hi,” Syril offered, hoping Dedra would understand.

The little girl nodded and took his hand. She wore one of Dedra’s shirts, it brought her comfort and was long enough to be a nightdress. 

Dedra was standing at one of the room’s windows, leaning against the wall next to it. There were a few shooting stars active this evening in one of Pabu’s annual light shows.

“Well, hi there everyone,” she said lightly. “Zena, are you having trouble sleeping?”

“I’m worried about you,” she said, coming closer as Dedra gestured out the window for her to look. 

“Is that so?” Dedra asked, shifting her hips. Then, in a moment of relief between contractions, she was able to think about why Zena was so upset. 

“I remember that it takes a long time.” The girl mumbled.

“It can,” Dedra agreed. “But luckily, my water’s already broken.”

Syril paled. “It has?”

Dedra nodded. “I made it to the bathroom for some of it, but I’m afraid we’ll need to change the sheets.”

That was the least of Syril’s concerns right now. He was wondering what was taking Riné so long…

“Mama, you can hold my hand.” Zena offered.

“Thank you, sweetie, but I don’t want to hurt you. I’ll hold your dad’s instead.”

Zena seemed to accept this, and decided to help instead by giving her baby sister a bottle. Now Syril was free to return to Dedra’s side. 

“I don’t think I can walk after all,” she murmured. 

“No problem,” he assured her. “Just tell me how to help.”

“Can you get me some water? And a snack.” 

“Of course.” 

Dedra struggled back to bed, leaning heavily on her arms. The pains were longer and stronger. She practically sobbed when she saw Riné, reaching for her with desperate hands.

“Things are moving nicely,” Riné assured the parents. “Sometimes birth happens really quick like this, everything’s happening all at once.”

“It’s a lot more painful than I remember.”

“Ah, but if we women remembered how painful giving birth was, we wouldn’t do it more than once.” 

Dedra gave a startled laugh. Once he came back with her snack, Syril was just glad that Dedra was distracted for a few seconds. 

“Did you tell her that your water already broke?” 

“No,” Riné answered for Dedra, and gave a playful glare. “I need to know these things; baby needs to come within 24 hours.”

“So, no pressure,” Dedra said, gritting her teeth as she arched her back.

Now that Riné was here for Dedra, Syril was able to check up on his daughters. “What’re you thinking, Zena?”

The little girl shrugged, just watched her mother with wide eyes as she held her sister’s bottle, making sure she was eating well.

The sun was rising; Kilyr would be waking up soon, and Syril would need reinforcements. 

“My girls can watch them,” Riné said, reading his mind. “I told them to come over once they woke up.”

“Thanks.” 

Dedra was past following conversation at this point; her abdomen and upper legs rippled with pain that already told her to push, but that couldn’t be right-

“Let me check,” Riné decided. 

Please, Dedra begged. Holding back an urge like this was impossible. She grappled for Syril as her back arched again…

“I already see a head,” Riné sounded surprised. “How long were you contracting before your water broke?”

“I dunno, I was distracted…” Dedra said. “Maybe half a day?”

Syril gaped at her. He had no idea… But he also knew Dedra and how bull-headed she could be.

“I was waiting to make sure it was real.” 

“Definitely real.” Riné said. “Hold off on pushing if you can, you need time to adjust just a bit more. I don’t want you to tear.”

The thought alone made Dedra clamp up. Of all the things that could happen… tearing was one of her worst fears. 

“I can’t,” she whimpered. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize; in the end, your body knows what it needs.” 

A series of groans and pathetic whimpers escaped Dedra’s lips; at least, that’s what she thought of herself in the moment. Was she louder this time around? The pain was worse than she remembered—

“I have to,” she practically begged. “Please, it hurts!”

Syril was pretty sure a few of his fingers dislocated as Dedra squeezed, burying her face into his chest. Her pained, broken sobs reminded him of why he didn’t want to see her like this ever again, he couldn't bear it.

“Are you comfortable?” He asked, trying to be helpful.

“Shut up!” Dedra shouted, a vein pulsing in her forehead. 

Riné discreetly pressed a button on her comlink, signaling Cole to be ready. Dedra would need stitches and possibly antibiotics—

“I’ve got his head,” she said triumphantly,  wiping blood out of their tiny nose and mouth. “One more big push for the shoulders, and we should be all set.”

She makes it sound so easy; Dedra thought and bore down, ignoring the metallic scent of blood. So much for not tearing—

“What is it?” She panted, nearly collapsing into Syril. 

“Another little boy!” Riné exclaimed, holding up the squalling infant. 

Dedra’s breathing leveled as Syril helped her back onto the bed to face their newest family member. 

“He’s huge,” Dedra laughed, shaking. 

“A few kilos more than Kilyr, if I had to guess,” Riné agreed as she passed over the new bundle of joy.

A sudden cry split the air, but it wasn’t Dedra or Syril or even the new baby, but rather Zena, who they’d all forgotten was sitting just across the room. Zira was long since asleep again, snoring softly in the bassinet she would soon have to share.

“Zena,” Dedra said, even as her vision swam. “Come here.”

The girl obeyed, climbing onto the bed and to Syril and Dedra’s side. 

“Is that my brother?” She whispered.

“Yes,” Dedra agreed.

“What’s his name?” 

“I think we liked Kael,” Syril recalled. 

“He looks like a Kael,” Zena agreed. 

“He looks like Syril. Again.” Dedra said in mock annoyance. Gradually the hormones were wearing off and the pain was taking back over as she shivered. 

Kael’s lips drew into a pout, upset about something. Even he wasn’t sure what as he tried to burrow into his mother’s chest, blinking tiredly.

“Can he really see me?” Zena whispered.

“Not exactly, newborns can’t focus very well,” Syril explained, concerned by how much Dedra shook against him. He turned to Riné . “Do you have something for the pain?”

“Cole has something after he takes care of the stitches.” Riné said.

“Kilyr had a big head, too,” Dedra said in a daze.  

“Not quite as big as his,” Riné said, trying to measure Kael’s head as he squirmed in protest. “Forty-three. Kilyr was thirty-nine, I believe? Definitely not as heavy.”

“I can tell that much,” Dedra murmured, trying to memorize everything about her new son as he was this small and on her chest. He might be large for a newborn, but looking at how Kilyr was already a toddler made her realize just how short of a time he would be small enough to swaddle…

“I believe there are some congratulations in order?” Came a deeper, male voice from the doorway as Cole arrived.  Dedra grinned tiredly. 

“You were right, another boy.”

“Oh, was I?” He asked, gazing down at the little face. “Hello there, ad’ika, you’ve got such a cute little nose.” 

Kael, cross-eyed, wondered who this man was and what he could be saying, because he clearly wasn’t dad, and this was very upsetting. 

“I’ll work fast, don’t worry,” Cole said when the whining started anew. “Here’s a bit of a numbing agent.”

Dedra hardly felt anything; she was so focused on the way Zena kissed her new brother’s forehead and the way Syril looked so happy and proud. 

“I can multitask,” she retorted when Syril began to protest her positioning the new baby so he could nurse. “A boy as big as this can’t afford to miss a meal.”

As promised, the stitches were done quickly, and Cole moved on to the next worrisome factor.

“I feel fine, now-“ Dedra tried to insist.

“But you do have a slight fever,” Cole said. “We need to narrow down why.”

“Can’t it wait?” 

Cole paused, like he’d never been asked this question before, and certainly not in this situation. 

“I think it’s best not to,” Riné took over. “We should get you on antibiotics immediately, especially with the stitches.”

“Won’t it pass to the babies if she’s nursing?” Syril asked, knowing that would be Dedra’s next concern.

“Breast milk has one of the best filtration systems in the entire galaxy, ” Riné said. “Babies get only what they need.”

“Fine,” Dedra’s teeth chattered. Maybe she was sicker than she wanted to admit. She was also just noticing how bloody the sheets were.

“Did I do that?”

“Arguably, it was Kael. Seven stitches worth,” Cole reported. “We’ll clean up the sheets as soon as you’re ready to be moved.”

“Where’s Tracyn?”

“Asleep-.”

“Oh, hold on, this could be funny-“ Dedra grabbed her commlink. “She didn’t know I was in labor, right?”

“-On Onderon.” Riné finished. “I’m not sure what time it is there.”

Frowning a bit, Dedra put it back down and winced when she saw the sheets again. “I can’t stand to look at that. Just help me up. Only over to the chair… I don’t need to go far.”

After she was situated, Syril went to prepare the rest of the family for the day, leaving Dedra alone with her new son. She settled into the rocking chair, knees up as she spent time alone with her new son. He was still hungry, but not because his latch was off or anything. 

“I said you looked like your dad,” she whispered. “But I think I see a bit more of me, huh? Your roots are a bit blond. And you’re so tall.”

Kael didn’t respond, just continued eating. 

“Remember, you’ll have to share some.” She teased. “Your sister will wake up soon enough. Crazy thing is, she’s three months old and you’re already as big as she is.” 

Dedra couldn’t tell whether she was fatigued or famished, or a little of both. She was just about to call Syril when the door opened and Riné backed inside.

“Your favorite!” She announced.

“Thank you, just in time.” 

“Everything alright with you two?” Riné insisted. “How’s his latch?”

Dedra gave her a look. “You can see how big he is, I can guarantee he at least knows how to eat.”

“And now mom gets to eat, too.” Riné agreed. 

Dedra ate so quickly she hardly tasted it, but did enjoy the hearty stew. Her body needed protein and salt after her ordeal.

“There is something you could help with,” Dedra said as she could see a baby’s hand waving from the crib. Zira was awake, but quiet as usual. 

“Of course,” Riné retrieved the other baby. “You have two now.”

“I do,” Dedra smiled, gently lifting Kael away from her breast. He did not like that and puckered his face, squealing. 

“You’ll be fine for a few seconds,” Dedra chided. 

“I would just turn him around, like this-“ Riné demonstrated with Zira. “Put him right back before he can even tell the difference. Now his feet are under your arm instead of across your chest.”

For a few moments, Kael seemed stumped about what to do, then finally found his way back to the source of food. 

“Now do the same with her,” Riné said, handing Dedra the other baby. “Then you should be all set.”

“Double the dopamine,” Dedra joked mildly after Zira finally latched. Dedra was just glad the poor thing didn’t need a feeding tube anymore, now that she was eating well on her own. Plus, it meant Dedra didn’t have to pump, which was uncomfortable.

She wasn’t sure when she dozed off, but when she opened her eyes  Riné was gone and Syril was there instead, putting the finishing touches on their new bedsheets.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, and he turned to look.

“Don’t even try to apologize,” he insisted. “Are you feeling better?”

“Lots, maybe I did need those antibiotics after all.”

She heard his hoverchair hum as he came closer. It was such a normal part of life now that most times she didn’t hear it; but in quiet times its hum was actually quite soothing. 

“I got you a little something,” Syril explained. “It’s nothing much, but there was a merchant in the square the other day and I thought of you. Just needed a good time to give it.”

“Rather inconvenient time,” she responded, and they both laughed a bit, softly. Syril handed her a pillow and she maneuvered one of her arms out from under a baby’s head, freezing when she felt Zira move. 

“It’s a plant,” she said, lifting it out of the bag. Then she realized exactly what it was— “Like the one on my desk.” 

“I remember it because it was the only thing in your office that was distinctly you, but if it reminds you too much of the Empire we can just—“

“No, no, it’s okay.” She said. “Thank you, Syril. It’s beautiful.” 

“Not as beautiful as you.”

“Stop,” she complained, ducking her head. How was she supposed to be beautiful with two babies hanging off of her chest? “You can put it on the bookcase.”

“I was thinking,” Syril began as he dusted off said shelf. “After this morning, I think I’m gonna go ahead and take one for the team.” He mimed a pair of scissors near his groin.

“It’s the least you can do,” she agreed sarcastically as he returned to her side. “Besides, I’m feeling like our family is rather complete, aren’t you?” 

Syril nodded, leaning over so his head rested on her shoulder.

“Zena was already telling everyone at school about her new brother.”

“She was so excited,” Dedra recalled. “I’m surprised she even wanted to go.”

“I was thinking the same, but she asked to go. She has friends, I think.”

“I’m glad.”

“Me, too. She’s come a long way in a few months. Both our girls have,” he added, noting how much bigger and stronger Zira was.

Our girls. 

Kael started drifting off, eventually he was asleep and able to be handed over to his ever patient father.

“Hey there, big guy.” Syril murmured, cupping his younger son’s head gently. He didn’t have quite as much hair as his brother, but it was still thick and curly. “Sleep well, okay? We’ll all be right here when you wake up.”

Dedra smiled softly as her own eyelids began to droop. 

Hopefully, this sleep would prove more fitful.