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Chapter Text

Gears: Alison. Chao. Siegel.
Alison, Who broke into the foundation and is trying to sneak Meri off site: ...Yeah?

--

(Alison, Noah, Meri and Draven's first meeting)

Noah: Hey, I know you guys!
Meri: What?
Draven: How?
Alison: My existence is a secret!
Noah: Our dads all had sex with eachother!
...
Noah: Too much info?

—

Iceberg after being revived: So, What happened while I was dead?
Clef, Who almost fucked his boyfriend in Okay, That's Enough, Let's Get You Home and kisssd him twice: Ahaha.. Long story...

—

O5-1: I don't get it, Why doesn't my son ever talk to me anymore?
Gears:
Iceberg:
Agnes:
Alison:

—

(Iceberg and O5-1's first meeting)

Iceberg: ...So you're my father-in-law?
O5-1: Basically, Why do you ask?
Iceberg: Nothing, Just wanted to clarify before I deck you in the face.

—

Agnes: Come here honey! He's about to say his first words!
O5-1: Hey kiddo! Say 'Papa'!
Gears (as a baby): Ma-.. Ma-.. Mama, Please don't die and leave me with this manipulative bitch.
...

—

Agnes, Being a very normal 1950s housewife: Paint.. Must paint.. Everything clean...
Gears, Who just got home from school: Wow mom.. You.. Painted the whole house.. Three times...

—

Kondraki: You're so hot.
Clef: That's so gay.
...
Clef: But you're hot too.

—

Meri: Dad? Where do babies come from?
Clef: Oh.. Uh... (sweats intensely)

—

Iceberg: How are you married and I'm still dating?
Noah: Because you died for a couple years, Jackass.

—

A piss-drunk Clef: Do you wanna have a bromance..?
Gears: Isn't that kinda gay?
Clef: No it isn't anymore.
Gears: I'm walking out the door—
Clef: PLEASE DON'T GO AWAY!!!

—

Clef: P!
Kondraki: Panic!
Clef: I!
Kondraki: I'm scared..
Clef: N!
Kondraki: Nauseous...
Clef: K!
Kondraki: Death!

Chapter Text

SCP 239: Dad..? Can I have a popsicle?
Scarlet King: No, Madeleine.. You'll spoil—
(Madeleine screaming)

Narrator: Hey parents! Tired of those out-of-control kids? Throwing embarrassing tantrums wherever they go?

At the grocery store!
(Insert 682 tearing up some poor employee at Walmart)
On the playground!
(And the SCP 1725s throwing sand in the air)
Even at the dinner table!
(SCP 058 screaming about how he wants human meat instead of chicken meat)

You've had it with parenting, But wait! There is a solution! Introducing Naptime! The latest, Most effective tool for child tantrum prevention!
It's simple! Just douse a rag with our patented sleepy time formula, Place it over your child's cryhole, Press and hold gently for 8-12 seconds, And presto! No more tantrum!

The Scarlet King: I was beginning to think adoption was the only way out, Then The Hanged King introduced me to Naptime!
(Madeleine, Vanessa, Scorpio, Xavier, Rosaline, Rosette, Rose, Tiberius and Colin all gathered up on one couch, 'Sleeping')
The Scarlet King: ...It's never been so quiet around here!
(Colin falls off)

Narrator: The secret lies in Naptime's revolutionary faster sleep formula developed by military trained scientists from NASA, Naptime's powerful molecules rush to the child's brain on contact! Gently inducing instant tranquility!

Dr. Sherman reading the back of the bottle: ...This is chloroform.

Narrator: Already put those wallet-draining crap factories out on the streets? That's okay! Naptime works in any situation!

On the golf course!
(Clef running at Kondraki, About to throw a golf ball, With a rag doused in Naptime)
An awkward blind date!
Glass: I had a really good time toni— Mmf.. Mph!
(Gerald gagging him with a Naptime rag)
A son with severe insomnia!
(Gears calmly working at his desk when O5-1 walks up to him from behind and presses a Naptime rag to his mouth)
Gears: Mmf! Let me go!

O5-1: Oh, My son's a little too old for Naptime.. He's a grown man already, Though it pains me so to see him suffering day and night without a blink of sleep! (#WhosGonnaTellHim) I couldn't resist giving him a whiff of that delightful drowsiness medication, And now he's out like a light!
(O5-1 smiling while carrying an unconscious Gears improperly (in a way that leaves half of his body kinda falling) because he's only ever held him when he was a baby, Sitting on a couch like this is normal.)

Narrator: Call 1-555-NAP-TIME now and we'll send you your very own 24 oz bottle of Naptime solution, For only 23 easy payments of 1.99! But wait.. There's more! Act quickly and you'll also receive the all new Dreamsack! Absolutely free!
It's compact and portable for those on-the-go tantrums! Just cover it, Tighten it! And forget about it! It's that simple!

Draven, Being driven in a car by Benjamin with a dreamsack over his head: I can't breathe good...

Narrator: So if this looks familiar...

(Little Meri running around, Clef questioning his life decisions and Lilly with her hand on his chest)
Lilly: So.. Let's have another one?
(Clef punches her in the stomach and Lilly doubles over in pain, Meri sneaking in and throwing laundry everywhere)

Then don't wait! Order today and join the millions of Americans who just can't stop saying...!

(Seo-hyuk shoving all 5 of his kids under the influence of Naptime (+ his wife) into the trunk of his car)
Seo-hyuk: Thanks, Naptime.
(Iceberg holding Gears's dead body and crying while Agnes tries to help him breathe in the background)
O5-1: Thanks, Naptime.
(Sherman threatening Khahrahk for putting Naptime on Colin)
The Scarlet King: Thanks, Naptime.

Naptime! When they just won't shut up!

Chapter Text

Draven: Dad, I'm gay.
Kondraki: Me too.
Clef: Same.
Gears: So am I.
Iceberg: Yeah, Me too.
Alison: Is there anybody who likes girls here?
Meri: Me.
...

—

Clef: You better do your homework or you'll end up at McDonald's.
Meri: We're going to McDonald's if I don't do my work?!
Clef: No?!

—

(Agnes, Nastya, Lucja and Agora meeting for the first time)
Agnes: My son's gay
Nastya: No way, My son's gay too!
Lucja: Mine too!
Agora: Mine is too!
...
(Excited mom noises)

—

Clef: You stupid.
Draven: No I'm not!
Clef: What's 9+10?
Draven: 21!
Clef: You stupid.

—

(Iceberg teasing Noah)
Noah: You're being mean, I'm telling mom.
Iceberg: What's she gonna do? Magically come back to li—
(Nastya death staring Iceberg from behind him.)
...
Iceberg: ...Do I at least get a head start?

—

Clef on the intercom: Whoever decided to make r34 porn of my daughter, Please come up here so I can peacefully break your legs.
(SCP 166 shivering in the corner)

—

Meri: Today, I wanted to eat..
✨️ a croissant ✨️
Clef: quaso
Meri: So I went to a place that sells..
✨️ croissants ✨️
Clef: quaso
Meri: And I bought..
✨️ a croissant ✨️
Clef: quaso
Meri: And then I got home..
With the ✨️ croissant ✨️
Clef: quaso
Meri: And then.. I ate..
✨️ the croissant ✨️
Clef: quaso

—

(Alison walking out of her room)
Gears: Where are you going?
Alison: To either get ice cream or commit a felony, I'll decide in the car.

—

(Gears chasing Iceberg)
Gears: Let me see what you have!
Iceberg: A molotov cocktail!
Gears: No!

—

Kondraki: I wish I left you on the road where I saw you.
Draven: (smacks lips) But you didn't!

—

Clef: Burn the witch! Burn the witch!
Iceberg: I know a spell to make men stop falling head over heels for your daughter!
...
Clef: ...Release the witch! Release the witch!

—

(Clef falls through the roof)
...
Clef: Hey, Konny.
Kondraki: Hey, Clef.
Clef: ...That hurt.

Chapter Text

How we made Gearsberg not problematic so Gears is not a pedophile and Iceberg is not a gerontophile 💖 (TW: Math)

Gears canon birthday: August 18 1956
Iceberg fanon birthday (no canon birthday): September 28 1959

Gears and Iceberg first started dating in 1990 (on the scp wiki it says they shared a 7 year relationship since they shared 7 valentine's days together, on fandom wiki it says iceberg died after the seventh anniversary which was 1997)

1956+34=1990
1959+31=1990
Therefore Gears was 34 when he started dating Iceberg and Iceberg was 31 (3 year gap)

34+7=41
31+7=38
Gears was 41 when Iceberg died and Iceberg himself was 38

Chat are we smart enough to become SCPF researchers