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You gently look up at the roof of your room, you wish you weren’t here, don’t you? You float up and look at a photo, it’s taped to the wall. It’s of you and your friends! But… are most of them friends anymore? After all, you DID destroy so many things… the only one that still feels like a friend is the one who told you it was okay and made you stop the destruction, Fanny. You miss her, don’t you. “Shut up…” You say to yourself quietly, it’s truly unfortunate that your thoughts make you feel like nobody cares…
The photo… you look at it wondering if it still matters, you notice a Felt tip pen across the room. You don’t know what you’re doing, this isn’t you… you gently scribble out everyone in the picture until you see two people left, you and her… you scribble out yourself. You are not worthy of even seeing a photo that includes her, you don’t deserve good friends like her. You don’t deserve anything.
You regret it, sure they didn’t care too much but… they’re still better than you, they didn’t break anything… YOU did. Yknow… what you did… it’s definitely gonna directly or indirectly cause… terrible things. And sure, it’s not all your fault but you are still at least partially to blame… “…” All you can say right now. After all, there’s no point in trying to stop what you think, it’s true anyways! You’re terrible… Maybe if you were still a girl you’d be fine. Because you can think it makes you feel better to be what you consider ‘yourself’ but you are not this. Give up, go back to sleep.
You go back to your bed, laying down. You look away from the photo noticing what’s in the other direction. There’s a piece of paper and various pens to write with. Why write though…? You know that bringing what you think into reality will make things worse. No matter how much you fucking believe that maybe it will let you focus on them and figure out why all your problems are just in your head. It’s not just in your head, everything bad you think… it’s true!!! Go back to sleep until that worthless host throws a rejoin and drags everyone out of this elimination area for the viewers to vote and all the other contestants finally see how broken you are.
Fuck you, you aren’t getting better. Stop now, you don’t need anything just stay and wait until everyone sees. “Why must I…” shut up, nobody needs to hear your useless cries for help, think about the people in rooms next to yours stuck hearing your cries. You’re crying, you realise that, right? Guess you’re too focused on the terrible things you think to know what you’re doing.
Your temperature rises, you grab a pillow on your bed and hold onto it, the increased heat and electric power make it burn… you deserve this, nobody wants you to be okay.