Give Me Your (I Never Die SEQUEL)

A year later, the girls move on from Soojin, engrossed in the present as they formulate their own success through their new comebacks, but of course, things can never run smoothly for the group.

Yuqi gains enough confidence to come out to her parents about her relationship with Soyeon, but when they don't take it lightly by giving her an ultimatum, they have no choice but to end what they have, resulting in them both spiralling into a possibility of their own downfall.

Minnie is still recovering from her near death experience from the previous year, despite wrap-around care from both her nurses and girlfriend, Miyeon. But how much patience can Miyeon have to stick by her before she gives up and moves on?

With all the other members engrossed in their own lives, Shuhua finds herself lonely and locked out, and it doesn't help that Soyeon enforced a ban on mentioning her ex-girlfriend's name, or even contacting her for that matter.

But maybe, for once, going against Soyeon is the best thing for the group? Maybe Soojin really is the key they all are looking for?

*

this fic can be read without reading 'i never die' as all key plot points will be covered in the first chapter !

Chapter 1: Intro: IDLE NEVER DIES

Chapter Text

31^st January 2022

“I never thought we’d be here today,” Yuqi mumbled. “We’ve grown so much. The five of us.”

“I’m happy we’re finally back on track though,” Shuhua mumbled through a piece of cake. “Unnie, did you make this?” she turned to Soyeon, who nodded, patting her head.

“Anything for our Miyeon.”

“Yeah, happy birthday unnie,” Yuqi punched her side, Miyeon’s gorgeous face glowing.

“Thank you all for being here… I guess this is our last time as a six.”

“I’m so proud of you all,” Soojin smiled. “And the songs… Soyeon let me listen to all of them. I wish I was still with you to be a part of those, but they’re all masterpieces.”

“Unnie, did she really include a rap song?” Yuqi asked desperately. “Please say she did.”

“Of course I did. You don’t need her to confirm it,” Soyeon shrugged. “Everyone raps, with different flows too. I think it’s a great way to get better at your skills.”

“Ugh,” Shuhua rolled her eyes. “The other songs are good?”

“Of course,” Soojin nudged her.

“Hey, Soy, how’s that show going?” Miyeon turned to her. “You’re nearing the final, right?”

“Don’t remind me,” she grumbled. “The producers are making me look like an awful bitch. It’s not fair! I’m just trying to help!”

“Well, you do have a way with words,” Minnie hinted.

“I’m just doing my best!”

“You have a thing for that pretty one in your grade- Yooyeon- don’t you?” Miyeon accused.

“W-what?! No! I just- I just think she’s really good!”

“But she’s like, not. NO, NO, I mean I think she’s great. Many other better people out there, though,” Yuqi nodded. Soyeon groaned.

“She really wanted it, and I could see that. She reminds me of Shuhua.”

Shuhua grinned, hugging her arm. “I love you unnie.

Minnie watched them closely, nudging Soyeon’s arm playfully before resting her head on her shoulder.

“Alright, can someone actually tell me what happened between you two?” Yuqi asked with a frown. “No one seems to want to tell me and I feel a little left out.”

Shuhua sighed. “So, shall I start?!”

“SHU?!”
“Shu…?”

“You know?!” Yuqi scowled.

“I… uh… It was Soojin!”

“Dude, you can’t keep one thing quiet?” Soojin grumbled.

“You told her?” Soyeon raised her eyebrows.

“Barely. She just wouldn’t shut up otherwise.”

“Alright, alright. So… Soyeon had a crush on me-“

“Eeew,” Yuqis head shot up. “I thought you said to not trust people who don’t show their foreheads?!” she yelled at her girlfriend, smacking her side.

“I-I’m sorry?” Minnie felt like she’d just woken up.

“Dude, she wasn’t hiding it back then,” Soyeon tried to salvage. “And she was cute. Really cute. And what’s better is that she went out with me! It was like a dream come true!”

“And then… uh… Minnie kinda… told her she never liked her in the first place,” Soojin added.

“Yeah, sorry bro.”

“That… wasn’t a dream come true!”

“But you said you think it’s Soyeon’s fault!” Shuhua pointed at Soojin.

“Shuhua you talk too much,” she narrowed her eyes.

“I guess it was. I was quite pushy, and Minnie didn’t know enough Korean to argue her case…”

“You don’t need to be Korean to know you’re in love!” Yuqi yelled.

“Alright Yuqi calm down- this was five years ago!”

“Just…?”

Minnie began to giggle at nothing. “You’re insane. We get it,” Soyeon snapped.

“No, no, you know… hahahahaha… Yooyeon, that girl you teach… hahahahaha her name is what we call you and Yuqi’s unit… hahahahaha…”

“Huh?”
“We’re JSYQ!” she pouted.

“Yeah but… yuyeon,” Miyeon joined in. “You can ask Jimin.”

“You don’t even know her!” Yuqi yelled.

“Yuqi, calm down,” Soyeon patted her leg. “I think she’s a cute kid. She’ll go places.”

“She’s smart too. I didn’t even graduate,” Minnie scoffed.

“Same.”
“Same.”

“You guys made a brave decision,” Soojin acknowledged. “And you were pretty successful with it.”

“We all know who created the success,” Shuhua pointed at Soyeon, who blushed.

“You all did.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

“Actually,” Soyeon cleared her throat, her tone becoming more serious. “I just wanted to put something out there… Our next album.”

Yuqi raised her eyebrows. “What about it?”

“So, we’re coming back in March or April… Maybe February if we’re on top of our game. I wanted to say, this past year was completely shit, but we got so much closer, even though we lost Soojin from the band. With that being said, we’ve come out so much stronger, and with a harder drive for success, and to embody that unwavering determination… I think… I think I know what the next album should be called.”

“Go on,” Shuhua stared at her with wide eyes.

“I Never Die. It’s who we are. It’s what we are. Resilient, and determined. We’ll never die. Hit us with assaults. Hit us with taking away one of our members. We’ll bite back stronger.”

She looked around, Minnie, Yuqi and Miyeon all in tears. Shuhua looked like an excited puppy, and Soojin was nodding knowingly at her explanation.

“Soojin picked it with me,” she added. They looked up at her.

“It should have been ‘we’, but CUBE said it was too obvious,” she revealed. “The songs are incredible. Soyeon’s heard all of them, of course, but… I hope you guys do great things this year.”

Noticing the crack in her voice, all the members moved towards the centre of the circle, wrapping their arms around each other. Everyone except for Soyeon was now crying, sobbing into each other’s shoulders.

“I love you guys,” Minnie sobbed, making them all whine harder. Soyeon made a face of cringe.

“Love you too,” Shuhua responded.

“Guys… we can see each other tomorrow if you really want,” she pulled away in confusion.

“Shut the fuck up,” a deep voice yelled as she kicked her out of the circle, pulling the others in further. “I love you guys. IDLE forever!”

Miyeon and Soojin stared at each other, Miyeon giving a subtle, yet meaningful nod of recognition and respect to the younger girl. “I’m sorry,” she whispered as the younger three collapsed over each other. “I wish I could have tried harder.”

“No, unnie,” Soojin took her hand, interlocking her fingers with hers. “You’ll be unstoppable as a five. I’m so proud of you already.”

Miyeon swallowed back her tears, gazing at Soojin gratefully. “Thank you. Thank you for four of the best years of my life,” she squeezed her hand.

Soyeon sighed, hugging them both around the neck, as they moved towards the trio of foreigners who were busy pounding the floor with clenched fists.

“Guys, can we- can we go to Shake Shack tomorrow?” Shuhua howled through her hiccups. “I ea- eat when I’m sad.”

“Yeah,” Yuqi agreed chaotically through the snot. “Yeah, me too.”

“Can’t relate,” Minnie choked, causing them all to collapse over each other again.

Korean line moved away, horrified.

“Can I confide something with you both?” Soojin asked carefully. “I just… I don’t want you to talk about me when the comeback happens, or at any point afterwards.”

“But you’re with Shuhua?” Soyeon frowned. Miyeon bit her tongue. Was now a good time to speak up about Oscar? She turned back to the two maknaes (bypassing the pile of Minnie in front of them), Shuhua staring at her blankly, shaking her head as subtly as she could.

“I know, but… you guys need a fresh start from everything. I left when you were in the middle of something none of you want to relive. It’s better if you just don’t think about me. Please? Do it for Shuhua.”

“But what about her? We pretend she’s single?”

“You don’t have to talk about her love life,” she offered. “And honestly… I think it’s time for me to move on as well.”

Miyeon and Soyeon turned to each other.

“Not just yet,” Miyeon kissed Soojin’s cheek gently. “Not… just yet.”

“I know,” Soojin shut her eyes, more tears running down her cheeks.

“We’re not ready yet, Ssoo. Wait. Wait until we release the album, at least," Soyeon begged, her small voice beginning to break up as she spoke.

She paused in contemplation, before finally giving in. “Okay, baby lion. I will for you.”

Chapter 2: RECAP (and clarifying other shit)

Summary:

for those who didn't read the first part, a lot happened, but not much of it is mentioned or referred to in this work until much later, and that too, only the major events. this is only for the fomo sufferers, and for me to get my head straight, and who doesn't love a quick plot recap?
with that being said, i've clarified a few newer facts from now for the regulars x

Notes:

skip this if you're familiar with the plot, or stay for the quick refresher !
really important stuff is in bold (but importance is a social construct, and really, nothing's ever too important).

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

i have a short attention span, if you couldn't tell by my style of writing- therefore this will all be in bullet points of minimal words.

EDIT: yeah minimal my ass

- on the 28th march 2021, soyeon was assaulted by five men, and shuhua saw but didn't do anything about it, sparking frustration in the girls, but mainly her guilt that never seems to leave.

- yuqi had anger issues in which she became violent (specifically at soyeon), but they're no longer there.

- ~~minnie becomes ill and i have no clue why (i am so sorry it slipped my mind to even write that in tbh) i literally tried to kill her off in the last chapter cs i didn't know what i was doing xx~~

- minnie becomes ill as she feels guilty about not being a good friend to soyeon and looking after her when she needed her, much to everyone's confusion. their past is slowly revealed to the rest of the members (that was recapped in the introduction)

- minnie almost dies in the final chapter of the last part due to an ED (TW)

- ~~miyeon's j kinda there honestly~~

- miyeon's a supportive girlfriend to minnie, but they fell out numerous times due to minnie's anxieties about her past relationship with soyeon, and misunderstandings about cheating

- somewhere down the line, yeji also becomes a victim (yes DUNUNUNUN NOT SHY NOT ME ITZYYY~ Yeji), although this part of the story will not be continued

- realising now i never ended that tangent. uh... ryeji got together... and... yuna's... doing fab... ???!!!!... (hope that's enough for you)

- shuhua has a major crush on soyeon and has issues with staying loyal to her actual girlfriend, soojin. soyeon's love for her maknae causes her to struggle to stop herself from giving into her pleas (if you're into shuyeon smut there was a shit ton in the last work)

- sooshu are therefore a weak couple on the verge of breaking up (also due to them both wanting move on in their lives, and 'soyeon's ban' of mentioning soojin's name (which we've established in the introduction that it's soojin's idea, contrary to everyone's beliefs))

- back to shuhua's guilt of not doing anything to help soyeon when she was assaulted: shuhua herself is guilty about her role in her leader losing her mind, and essentially baits herself into being assaulted herself. this is after the gang threaten her to bring soyeon back to them for another round (that she doesn't comply) causing them to get their hands on her younger sister, meiling.

- their parents don't know!

- meiling and shufen are shuhua's sisters. shuhua is clearly the middle child.

- sohee owns a pastry shop (not relevant)

- the rapists are arrested and no, Give Me Your isn't about them breaking out of jail and essentially rewriting the whole of the first part ~~cs that's just boring xx~~

- the managers and the group are like, actually friends.

- meiling is in korea for ballet school, if you're wondering how the fuck the gang got to her (if you're really interested, chapter 26 onwards can answer all of your questions)

- soyeon, shuhua, miyeon and minnie are out to their parents, who accept them/don't gaf

- jimin is their communal therapist, minnie, yuqi and soyeon visiting her bi-weekly. she becomes close to soyeon who recognises her as a third parent rather than a therapist.

- it's therefore important to mention that soyeon's parents are divorced (don't remember if i ever covered this), causing her own impressions on the idea of marriage

- soyeon initially dated her (now ex) manager, siyu, but they fell out ~~(cs it's a yuyeon fic and im not about to betray everyone)~~ Siyu is still a recurring character, but as the group's manager as a whole

- one of the gang members was soyeon's manager (kimachi's) older brother

- meiling and yejin (soojin's sister) are dating

- jimin is the mother of minami, yuqi's manager. minami is a pick'n'mix of jp, kor, and eng ~~(soyeon likes to pull the bo'ol ov wa'er joke, but that's not relevant either)~~

- honestly, i did almost kill minnie in the last chapter, but writing a grieving miyeon is just way too much work ~~(cl she's grieving this whole work and minnie isn't even dead)~~

- shuhua's parents know she likes girls, but want her to date soyeon (wow, maybe they should just date atp) rather than someone like soojin with a scandal tarnishing her name. otherwise, there's a guy named oscar just waiting for her...

- soojin from this point forwards has left CUBE

- there are ocs (as someone who doesn't like fics with ocs i've done my best to make them as irrelevant as possible in this sequel but our newly introduced male oc will have a prominent role in the fic, as well as 5-espresso-shot jimin)

OC LIST:

note: I began writing this towards the very beginning of 2024, before idle's real managers were name/face revealed in the recent show they participated in

Jin Siyu: Group manager

Minami Harada: Yuqi's manager

Moon Subin: Minnie's manager

Moon Riwon: Shuhua's manager

Kimachi Nakabayashi: Soyeon's manager

Kim Chaesol: Miyeon's manager

Jang Kimi: Soojin's manager (still hangs about)

(Riwon and Subin are twins)
(Minami and Kimachi are in a relationship)

Yeh Meiling: Shuhua's younger sister

Yeh Shufen: Shuhua's older sister (double the shu, double the fun)

Jimin Harada: idle parent

Liu Wenhao (Oscar): new character

(Meiling and Shufen technically aren't original characters, but their real names aren't open to the public)

IDLE 'WHO FUCKED WHO' LIST (Chapter 65):

Yuqi: Yuqi, Miyeon, Shuhua, Soyeon (Yuqi and Miyeon once shared a kiss but it wasn't anything deep)
Miyeon: Miyeon, Yuqi, Minnie
Soyeon: Soyeon, Yuqi, Minnie, Shuhua (Miyeon and Soojin weren't opposed to the idea)
Minnie: Miyeon, Soyeon
Shuhua: Shuhua, Soyeon, Soojin, Yuqi (quick shuqi smut in there too actually)
Soojin: Soojin, Shuhua

the double names was a way to make themselves seem more popular if they'd ever touched themselves (?) (context is really needed for this i am SO sorry) (notice how minnie's the only one who hasn't) (yuqi may not have either; shuhua typecast her).

TW: my native language is english (despite the horseshit grammar). i use british slang that i didn't even know was british. i didn't think this needed to be a trigger warning, but my wattpad account once suggested otherwise.

my grammar isn't actually bad- i don't have the patience to proofread before posting, and i type faster than i think (which is why i ~~occasionally~~ go on unnecessary tangents)*

*this whole work is an unnecessary tangent.

happy readign

Notes:

stream damdadi and copdd for regular updates xx

Chapter 3: a stupid looking face with glasses

Chapter Text

2^nd October 2022

“My love,” Yuqi looked beside her, Soyeon clinging against her with her arm locked in hers. Their lips met in a short kiss that made her blush. “I love you, beautiful.”

Soyeon was about to respond, when Minami, Yuqi’s manager (and self-proclaimed group deputy-manager) finally arrived, unlocking her office door and gesturing them in before her.

“So, Yuqi, you called me last night,” Minami began as they sat at her desk. Soyeon turned to her, Yuqi being unable to supress her emotions as she pecked her cheek twice more.

“I had a request, but I haven’t shared it with Soyeon yet,” she began, turning to her. “Look, aegi. This past season has been the most difficult for everyone, and I know you’ve been struggling. We all have been.”

“The album was a very big success too,” Minami added. “The concept was amazing.”

“Right? I know we’ve just finished the tour, but since I’ve been seeing your family quite often recently, I wondered if you wanted to come back to China with me. You know, before our schedules start back up again?”

Soyeon’s face paled. “Yuqi-ah... I have to start finalising the new album after. Do you really think-“

“Just for a couple of days. I thought your main worry was being away from your family?”

She paused before shrugging. “Not... really... Do your parents know about us?”

Yuqi bit her tongue. “I was going to say, that was partially why we should go. I was thinking about it, and I know it was selfish not to discuss it with you as well, but,” she looked away, Minami gesturing if she wanted her to leave. Yuqi shook her head, allowing her to stay. “I know we said our ‘I love you’s recently, and we’ve left it at that, but I think I really have fallen in love with you.”

Soyeon blushed, eyes sparkling. “Hm?"

“We’re just girlfriends right now, but I want so much more with you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I thought that, if we do ever settle together in the future, you need to meet my family as I’ve met yours.”

“That’s true,” she mumbled.

“I don’t want to rush you, aegi. We’ll be busy next year and we’ll regret not using the time we had now-“

“Yuqi, don’t you think it’s all a little rushed? You’ve only been getting serious since the whole incident from last year died down… may it be… one year now?” Minami asked carefully. “Things change. People you were truly in love with start to change in your eyes.”

Soyeon shook her head. “We’ve been on and off for almost three years now,” Soyeon swallowed. “Do you think we’ll be able to handle it? We’re very different people-“

“I think we can,” Yuqi admitted. “We’ve been through hell and back together, Sso. We’ve reached a point in our friendship in which we can confide in each other about anything.”

“So what is this? Are you proposing to me?”

“I know how you feel about marriage,” she placed a hand on her lap. Soyeon looked to the floor at the reference to her own parents. “I don’t want to pressure you to do anything. I just want you to know that you’ll always be the love of my life-“

“What if your parents don’t accept it?” she cut in. “Then we lose everything. They’ll make you leave the group. They’ll make you move back to China-“

“They can’t make me do anything. I can sever ties with them if it means I can stay with you. Your family feels like mine now... I just want to give you the same thing but of course it’s impossible for me to control their actions.”

“Is it worth the risk?”

“I’ll risk anything for you.”

Soyeon backed down, turning back to Minami.

“I found some flights for you both... fifth to eleventh October? Or fourth to twelfth You’d probably want to do the fourth. The flight on the fifth is very early,” she advised.

“Yuqi are you sure about this?”

Yuqi nodded. “Business or economy, please? I don’t want to be too far away from her.”

Minami looked up at Soyeon. “Yeon, I need confirmation from you.” She shrugged. “Voice your concern, Sso. I don’t want to make your life difficult.”

“I’m scared,” she whispered. “What if they hate me?”

Yuqi frowned. “Why would they hate you?”

“They’ll find out I put you all in danger. That I fell in love with you... in a homophobic country- they’re bound to blame me. I’m older than you yet you’re the one in charge-“

“I’m sorry-“

“No, I need it that way. I haven’t been able to think recently. It’s just... that’s not... socially acceptable. Unnie,” she pointed at herself. “Dongsaeng,” she pointed at her. “It’s backwards-“

“Everything in IDLE is backwards, Sso. They won’t care.”

“Will you stay with your family or in a separate hotel?”

“At home is fine.”

Soyeon’s ears began to burn up. “I don’t know about this, Yuqi. I have a feeling they won’t like it.”

“You don’t even know them!” Yuqi flung her arms. “Give them a chance, please,” she begged. “I don’t understand your problem-“

“My problem is that I have a lot on the line,” she gritted her teeth. “My career.”

“And you’re saying I’m going to ruin it by taking you to Chi-“

“I’m saying that our relationship may not work out,” she snapped finally. Yuqi was taken aback, sitting in her chair in silence. “I love you, aegi, I really, really do. But life isn’t fair. Had we been in England or America, we’d be having a different story. I want to be married to someone I love. I want kids. I want a family. But I also need a career. I can’t afford to blow my image for dating a girl. In any other circumstance I could, but being an idol is tough. I c-can’t do things that I want to do. I have to do things that I need to do.”

Yuqi didn’t speak, too crestfallen to argue. “We’ll do this another time,” Minami whispered.

Soyeon shook her head. “This wouldn’t be a problem. I’m concerned about taking it further, that’s all. I- I don’t want to lead you on-“

“So it’s this again?” Yuqi scoffed. “All these months and we’re back to square one. How does that make me feel? W-we wasted so much time because you led me on, and I fell for it, and that we couldn’t jell with each other- a-and now that we are, you’re suddenly throwing it away?”

“I’m saying that we’re growing up. You’re not a little girl anymore, Yuqi. Neither am I. I’m thinking about our futures. Trust me, aegi, you’ll see what I mean when you’re older.”

“I thought you didn’t want a man after what happened,” Yuqi began to sob.

Soyeon fixed her eyes on the floor. “I’m moving on from what happened.”

“W-we can have kids,” Yuqi tried desperately. “I-I’ll have them. D-don’t even worry about-“

“That’s not my point,” she pressed. “The thought of having to explain to everyone that I meet that I’m in a lesbian relationship... I c-can’t do it. How am I supposed to tell people I am a lesbian?” she questioned, the word sounding foreign in her mouth.

Yuqi eyes became hollow. “S-so you don’t care about us as a couple?” she asked. “If you cared you’d bother to- to-“ she shook her head. “I’m at least proud of what we have. I didn’t know you’d be so ashamed.”

“I’m not ashamed. Yuqi, you’re my whole world and more. I’ve never felt more in love with anyone. You’re right, we have something special. I don’t want the world to ruin it for us. I want to protect you and me separately. People won’t accept us. We’ll have to break up, but then we won’t be able to see each other-“

“That’s not true,” Yuqi forced, even more tears falling. “I don’t care what anyone says. I do what matters to me. You were like that too, once.”

Soyeon nodded slowly. “I- I know... but-“

“You need to move on from Soojin,” Minami advised in a calm tone. “I know you may feel like the world is against you, but people love you. People love IDLE.” The pair winced. “S-sorry… did I say anything wrong?”

“We vowed not talk about her,” Soyeon sighed. “For our own good.”

“If that was the case then she wouldn’t have had to leave the group to protect us,” Yuqi argued.

“I think she left to protect you,” Minami turned to Soyeon.

“And then I go and blow it by coming out? She’ll hate us.”

“She’s dating Shuhua,” Yuqi cut in. “Was.”

“If we cause another scandal, the group falls apart.”

“Okay, Soyeon-ah, can you do something for me?” Minami asked. “I want you to close your eyes... in fact, Yuqi, can you leave the room for a second?”

Yuqi nodded, but Minami raised a finger to stop her, as Soyeon shut her eyes. “What?” she mouthed.

“Stay. Open the door so she thinks you’ve left,” Minami mouthed back, to which Yuqi did as so. “Okay, Soyeon-ah, keep your eyes shut, okay?”

“Okay,” she whispered.

“I want you to tell me how you see yourself when you’re twenty eight.”

“You sound like Jimin,” she giggled. “I’ve always wanted to be married by that age. Hopefully pregnant with my own child, but if I can’t bring myself to do that, I guess we could adopt.” She smiled solely at the prospect.

“Married to a man or a woman?”

“I always wanted a husband,” she admitted.

“Does Yuqi know that?”

“Of course.” Yuqi nodded from the door.

“Do you have a person in your head that you imagine when you dream about the future?”

“Mhm.”

“Okay... now, I want you to think of Yuqi. You’ve known each other for five years. Describe to me what comes to your mind when you hear her name.”

“I think of when we first met,” she giggled. “Her big, innocent eyes. Debuting was too much for her young mind. She was so frisky and carefree. I was addicted to it.”

“Do you know how she felt about you?”

“I think she looked up to me.”

“Okay, what else about her do you think of?”

“I think of this past year. I think of how she gave up everything to live through everything with me. I think of her dedication.”

“Now, I want you to picture your future with her.”

“If we stay together, married. I need to accustom to the thought, though.”

“And if you split?”

Soyeon paused. “I- I don’t think I can... she means everything to me.”

“So would you rather have a husband, or Yuqi?”

Yuqi walked towards her slowly, awaiting her decision. “Yuqi,” she admitted. Yuqi wrapped her arms around her from behind the chair, bending to press kisses against her neck.

“You can open your eyes.”

Soyeon was met with Yuqi’s tears of joy, who kneeled in front of her to caress her cheeks. “I know you’re scared, baby, but I won’t let you do anything alone. You know I’m just as much of a control freak as you are.”

Soyeon nodded quickly, pulling Yuqi up so they could kiss.

“I’ll book the flights then,” Minami beamed, patting both of their heads before leaving the office to give them space.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Minnie shuddered under her duvet, sweaty hands grasping onto the fabric as tears incessantly pelted down her face. Small, low pitched sobs emitted from the small mound on the bed, which quivered with each sniffle she took as she desperately tried to control her breathing.

“D-don’t hurt me,” her begs were shaky and frantic, red eyes locked onto an apparent shape through her duvet, as her eyes had become accustomed to the dark. The figure resembled that of a human body that appeared to advance towards her, but at the same time was unable to meet her. “D-don’t… please… leave…” her voice became weaker, sweat dampening her pyjama clothes as her cries became louder, until uncontrollable sobs filled the dark room.

She threw the duvet over her head, grabbing her phone from the beside table and slamming her finger onto her emergency contact number.

“Please, please be fast,” she gasped, slowly turning towards the window in fear.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Yeh Shuhua

not guilty hm?

what a bitch.

jinnie

shu.

yk what we have to do now
that the case is over

im sorry

hey, what happened to using
grammar in your texts

its been like half a year man

alr well

I guess this is it

goodbye

for real this time

forever?

i have to listen to soyeon

no, i understand

she made the right decision

thank you for texting though

even if

even if we never will again.

ill always love you shu

always cheering idle on

soloist Soojin debut when

i love you Soojin

we may move on

but i'll never forget you

goodbye shu

bye.

*You blocked this contact*

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Miyeon hummed to herself as she braided her hair back, gazing at herself in the vanity mirror. She smiled lightly, lingering at her large eyes and perfectly shaped lips. Even her bare face was gorgeous.

Putting her things away, she slid back from her chair and made her way to her bed, before a phone call interrupted her peaceful night.

“Yeoboseyo?”

“Miyeon… please…” she heard frantic gasps over the phone. “Please come… I know it’s late…”

Miyeon narrowed her eyes. “Where are you?”

“At home… Please, Miyeon… I need- I need-“ The call hung up abruptly. Miyeon stormed out of her bedroom and down the stairs, forcing on her shoes and grabbing her coat and keys before leaving out of the front door.

Slamming her car door, she forced the pedal to the floor as she accelerated down the empty roads, the route to her girlfriend’s house having become engrained in her muscle memory.

She swore under her breath as the car swerved under her grip, before a final right turn led her to her destination. Wrapping her coat around her waist and pulling the handbrake up, she stormed at Minnie’s front door, opening it with her fingerprint.

“Minnie-ah!” she shouted as soon as the door opened, shutting it behind her and fighting her way up the stairs. The first turn to the right was Minnie’s bedroom, she knew, causing her to throw herself in without warning.

Minnie sat in the centre of the bed, still shaking as she sobbed.

“Miyeon,” she whispered weakly. “Miyeon, please,” she begged. Miyeon frowned, carefully moving to sit beside her. Minnie immediately fell into her arms, desperately climbing over her shoulders. Miyeon pecked her cheek, rocking her back and forth, leaning backwards to flick on the light switch.

“You’re safe now,” she kissed her jaw, hands roaming her body protectively. She lay back, calming down as Miyeon’s back hit the bed. “It was the voices again?” she asked carefully.

Minnie hid her face in her shoulder. “N-no… I just- I think he’s staring at me… but when I look for him, he’s not there.”

Miyeon pulled the duvet over both of them. “It’s just an impression. No one can get inside and hurt you. I’m here now. I won’t let that happen,” she reassured her confidently.

Minnie shut her eyes, pressing the side of her face against Miyeon’s chest as her cries eased. “I love you,” she felt her hand graze her cheek lovingly.

Miyeon pressed a firm kiss on her lips in response.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

3^rd October 2022

“What’s up, little Yeon?” Miyeon watched her across the dining table. “You come to mine just to start drawing antisocially?”

“I’m just thinking,” she began, startling the older girl with a loud noise as her red pencil ran across the page furiously, “that some people may not be so happy to see the word “Nude” on our album. 'IDLE Nude'? That’s asking for something I don’t want to delve into.”

Miyeon shrugged. “People deepfake us all the time. Nothing new.”

Soyeon made a disgusted face. “Weird. But… No! As in… Children’s nudes. That’s… gross, and perhaps illegal, might I add?”

“I guess we’re encouraging people to search a flagged search entry. Change the spelling.”

“Of what?”

“'Nude.'”

“The fuck? Miyeon, do you think before speaking?”

“Yes,” she sat down opposite her. “How else could you spell it? Or maybe swap out a letter to make it look cool? Or omit letters instead.”

'NOOD', she wrote in capital letters. Miyeon smacked her forehead.

“No, babe…”

“Or… we could use numbers."

'Nud3', she wrote beside it.

“This isn’t Shuhua’s roblox account name.”

“Her name’s ‘nud3’?” she looked up, horrified.

“No, it just contains an excessive use of numbers.”

'N00D', she scribbled.

Miyeon made a face.

“Stop.”

"no."

'NUD'

“No… ‘e’?”

"Ugh."

'Nd'

“No one will know what the fuck that is.”

Soyeon rolled her eyes. “Well… I don’t know then.” She looked at the big red cross on the paper. “Haha, ‘x’ marks the spot.” She slammed her pencil nib where the lines crossed, creating a hole in the paper, and perhaps a dent in Miyeon’s new table, who sighed in exasperation. Soyeon swapped out her pencil for a shiny new crayon.

“Just replace a letter with an 'x'.”

“Yena already did that.”

“So what?”

'Xude'

“It’s supposed to be a vowel that you replace it with,” Miyeon deadpanned.

“Fucking hell. I thought ‘x’ was a continent.” Soyeon went back to scribbling. “’D’ isn’t a vowel, is it?”

“No.”

“’U’?”

“Yes- oh my god, do you seriously not-“

“I can barely speak English! How do you expect me to know a vowel from a continent?”

“It’s ‘consonant’.”

“No! That’s different! Like how you always ‘consonantly’ annoy me!”

“No, that’s ‘constant’.”

“No! That’s when things happen. That’s when they’re constitant-ed.”

“’You’ve mixed up 'constitute' and 'consistent'… neither of those work. Do you know how wrong you are?”

“No,” she scowled.

'XXXX'

“No.”

"Women like you are hard to please."

Soyeon was running out of space, and had already eroded the green crayon in her hand. Miyeon handed her a ballpoint pen reluctantly.

"More paper too?"

"No."

"Dammit."

She flipped the page back over, finding more space.

'NXDX'

"Better than 'ND'," Soyeon convinced.

“But… that looks wrong…” she scratched her head, avoiding an argument she really didn’t want to put forward. “Sso… a lot of porn websites have ‘x’s in them… maybe just use… one.”

Soyeon turned to her slowly. “And how would the innocent princess know that?” she pointed her pencil at her accusingly. Miyeon raised her hands in defence.

“Just, hurry up.”

'Nudx'

“But…”

"What now?"

"Try the other way."

‘Nxde’

“Yeah.”

“Yeah what?”

'Nxde'

Soyeon stared at the page. “Nahhhh.”

“What?!”

“I’m liking 'xxxx'.”

'XXXX'

“So ‘Idle xxxx’ will mean something to you?”

“Who has the texting style where they use ‘x’ after each message? Minnie right?”

“Only to you, it seems.”

Soyeon turned back to the sheet.

'Nxde'

“I think ‘Nxde’ is good. Thanks bro,” she saluted, Miyeon doing the same as Soyeon swung off the bar stool, bounding down the corridor. “Bye. I’m going to pack.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Soyeon-ah,” Yuqi grinned, watching her through the mirror while she watched herself doing random emotes. “Thank you for agreeing to fly to Beijing with me,” she smiled, patting her head.

“Aish, it’s okay Yuqi-ah. I can’t wait.”

She bit her tongue, stepping back. “Nothing can go wrong, right? Nothing will happen…?”

“Everything will be okay,” Soyeon bowed animatedly. “Oh, this is so going to be part of choreography later… Yuqi, stop stressing. It’s fine.”

“You sure?”

“I love you too much. We’ll be okay.”

“Alright,” she sighed, kissing her forehead. “Thanks unnie.”

“No problem, Woogo.”

Chapter 4: waking up with sleep in my eyes

Chapter Text

“Minnie-ah,” Miyeon looked up from her plate, noticing that Minnie had barely touched her food. “I think it’s time to get you some more therapy sessions.”

Minnie looked up defeatedly, nodding without a word.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Yeh Shuhua

Hey sso

j fyi I’ve 100% broken up w soojin

after the court verdict i did quickly
text her my support

but that’s it

captain sso umma

shu are you sure abt this

def

okay

well

I don’t think it’s a good idea but

as long asyour happy with the

decision you made…

also

If it helps

im overyou

not like that

just

i don’t have acrush on you
anymore

sorry about that

no problem aegi

it’s okay

we’re okay

ily

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

4^th October 2022

“How are you feeling?” Yuqi asked, as the pair settled into their seats.

“Excited, but nervous. Your family seems nice,” Soyeon tried.

“And you speak a bit of Chinese. If they don’t love you, I’ll be confused.”

Soyeon smiled, resting her head on her shoulder. Yuqi kissed her forehead. “If anyone asks, we’re overly affectionate best friends, okay?”

“Got it,” Yuqi nodded, leaning forwards to grab a blanket, that she placed over Soyeon’s lap.

“What for?” Soyeon frowned.

Yuqi shrugged. “In case I get bored,” she smirked. Soyeon tilted her head, before it dawned on her.

“Oh my god,” she laughed out loud. “You can’t be serious.”

“If you can keep it down, then maybe I am,” she shrugged. “You’re in the window seat. This is a prime opportunity to-“

“But the seats are far away! We’re exposed-“

“That’s why you need to be quiet,” she winked, slipping her hand under the blanket, and through her skirt. “We can’t do it at mine! You know how desperate I get!”

“Okay, okay,” she sighed, gulping when Yuqi thrust in.

“I guess I don’t need to rush.”

“So you’re going to edge me?”

Yuqi’s smirk grew. “Oh yeah!”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“So,” the therapist began, eyeing Minnie closely as he scribbled down some notes. She looked around in confusion, already hating the prospect of having to speak to the man for a whole hour about her life problems.

Everything about the room was horrific. The blinding white lights, adding to the lack of colour in the room. The annoying blinds that clacked together every other second with the wind. The uncomfortable chair she was in- black plastic mesh that dug into her legs and felt hot around her body. The cold fan blowing in her face, despite it being autumn.

She hated it already.

She cursed out both Miyeon and her manager, Subin, mentally, as the man began to ask her questions.

“Nicha Yontararak. Nice name.”

His voice was plain and empty.

He was definitely bored already.

“Th-thanks?”

“So, what is your occupation?”

“I’m a singer… and musician… and model, I guess.”

“There are records of you battling an eating disorder. Is that still happening?”

“I- uh… hope…not…?”

“Does it have something to do with your modelling career?”

“No… idols all have the same standards. They haven’t changed since I got popular.”

He spent a few minutes looking through is records. “You’re a lesbian?”

Her eyebrows raised, almost unamused by the whole situation. “No, I’m not.”

“You’re in a relationship with… Cho… Cho… Miyuhn, sorry?”

“Miyeon, yes. I’m not gay, but we’re dating.”

“Right…”

She rolled her eyes. “Excuse me, sorry, does Jimin work here? Harada Jimin?”

“Yes, she works with children as of this year,” he nodded. “She used to be your therapist last year, I see.”

“Yeah… I’m not very good with change. That’s all.”

“With your career, that’s something you need to be better at,” he warned. “Tell me, when did the voices start?”

“While we were on tour.”

“And you thought you were seeing things?”

“Not just that… I always felt as though as I was being watched.”

“Did the members know you were struggling?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I didn’t want to stress them out. Soyeon was busy finishing a whole album. I’m not… I didn’t want to ruin things.”

“So, you told your manager, your girlfriend, and the director towards the end of the tour.”

“I was losing my mind. I didn’t want to leave the house. I wanted to lock myself up and never show my face to the world.” The therapist nodded slowly. “I- It was the first time that I’d encountered so many people. I was scared. Truly scared.”

“Did you feel like they were there to hurt you?”

“No… I just wasn’t used to so many eyes on me. Why were they on me? Look somewhere else!”

Tears filled her eyes at the thought, and the man placed a box of tissues beside her. “It’s okay,” he whispered. Minnie dabbed around her eyes with a tissue carefully, sniffling quietly. Maybe he cared more than she thought. “They were there because they love you. Tickets are expensive, and they still bought them.”

“I know… just… with this new thing of cancel culture, I was scared I was next.”

“You have anxiety, Minnie. It’s fine. So many people experience it. You’d never know because of the ways they deal with it.”

“You see in the news about concerts going wrong. People bringing lasers, guns, bombs… I don’t know. I should stop worrying.”

“It’s okay to be concerned, but you’re paying more attention to what could happen than what is.”

She nodded. “I know I should be more grateful.”

She stared at him, trying to finish her sentence, but slowly felt herself draining of energy. This wasn’t what she expected. He wasn’t bad at all- he was just doing his job, and perhaps he was a better therapist than Jimin for refusing to get personal, but maybe that’s what Minnie needed.

“I- I need… I… I want…” she choked back her sobs.

Her therapist stood up, walking around his desk and walking her out of the room, hand planted on her back to steady her. “Breathe, Minnie-ssi.”

She turned to him, nodding frantically as he sat her in the waiting room. He knelt beside her. “I’m sorry,” she gasped.

“Hey, hey Min… do I look angry?” he asked genuinely. She stared at him closely. “You don’t need to be sorry… Keep breathing.”

He stood up, passing the receptionist and into the cafeteria, searching for a familiar face.

“Jungwon-nim, how is she?” Miyeon perked up. He shook his head.

“I think you need to call Jimin,” he hinted.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Meiling spun around in the vacant hairdresser chair excitedly, staring at her sister in awe as the hairdressers covered her eyes.

“Three, two, one,” they removed them, Shuhua staring at herself in the mirror at her blonde hair.

“Woah,” she lifted it slowly, watching the locks cascade down her shoulders. “Soyeon was right… I look good… I guess.”

“You’re my sister, but you’re hot,” Meiling snapped a photo of her. “Sending to mama.”

Shuhua smiled, posing in front of the mirror. “It gives you a softer edge,” one of the hairdressers convinced. “You look more like an adult now, but it doesn’t highlight any of your facial features.”

“It mellows your visual. You look good,” another added.

She sighed in relief. “I was so scared. I guess it’s another situation where I learn to trust Soyeon.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

After three painful orgasms, Soyeon and Yuqi made their way through the airport and out to arrivals, where Yuqi stood, searching for her family.

“Song Yuqi?” a man beside her gasped.

Her eyes widened. She’d forgotten to replace her sunglasses. “I- I don’t know who that is,” she responded in a high pitch, in English, hand tightening over Soyeon’s, who buried her face in a scarf. “Come,” she dragged Soyeon aside, pulling them into a bathroom.

“Are you crazy?!” Soyeon shrieked, as Yuqi slammed a hat and a pair of sunglasses on her head. “You’re kidding me, right?”

“You could have looked over at any point to remind me!”

“My head’s not straight,” she groaned.

“I wonder why that is,” she grinned.

“Not the time!”

“Sorry, sorry...” she pulled them into a cubicle, Soyeon diving to the toilet roll as she tried to clean herself up, but her legs were still too shaky, causing her to fall apart. Yuqi smiled, locking the door and holding her up. “Calm down,” Yuqi kissed her gently, taking the tissue and using it, holding her back as she squirmed in her arms. “You might want to get rid of this underwear,” she advised.

“Your parents will wonder why we’re late,” she mumbled. “I don’t carry any extra in my hand luggage,” she rolled her eyes.

Yuqi dug in her handbag. “You think I didn’t think ahead,” she handed a clean pair to her. “Hurry.”

Soyeon’s mouth fell open. “You minx,” she whined, dropping her things immediately.

“They’re pulling up into the car park,” she read a text from her phone. “They can’t wait to meet you.”

As soon as Soyeon finished, Yuqi launched themselves out of the room, diving out to the rest of the crowd.

“What if they call you by name?” Soyeon asked.

“They know better than that,” she wrapped an arm around her slim waist to hold her close. “I can’t afford to lose you out here.”

Soyeon clung on to her desperately as Yuqi fought her way through the scene, until they made it outside. Yuqi’s father waved from beside the kiosk.

“Are you really going to tell them about us?”

“You don’t deserve to be a secret.”

“Well, when are you going to do it?”

“Uh… tomorrow, maybe?”

“Jeez.”

“Hey, also… don’t tell them you know Chinese. I don’t want them to censor themselves around you knowing you understand them.”

She made a face. “What would they be saying?”

“Exactly,” she nodded, running ahead. “Baba,” she reached him, leaving the suitcase and wrapping her arms around him. He patted her head, lifting the orange locks in confusion.

“Qiqi,” he pulled away. “You’ve.. been busy.”

“It’s for our new album,” she smacked him playfully. “Now don’t let me down. I told Soyeon all the things you’ve taught me since I was three. You need to back me up now.”

“Oh, this again… Xiaojuan,” he beamed, opening his arm for the shorter girl. “Her hair isn’t blonde yet,” he pointed out.

“I was going to do it in China. I heard it’s cheaper,” she responded, Yuqi jabbing at her thigh and shooting her a glare. “But Commune isn’t here,” she argued, ignoring what just happened.

Soyeon tilted her head, Yuqi rolling her eyes and whispering in Korean. “Stop speaking Chinese! I told you!”

“O-oh…”

Yuqi’s father took the suitcases, dragging them into the backseat.

“He didn’t register?” Soyeon frowned, climbing into the seat and belting herself.

“You got lucky,” she sighed.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Ninnie-unnie,” Shuhua waddled into the ward proudly, throwing herself at the older bedridden girl, who already had tears in her eyes. Minnie cupped her face, turning to Miyeon who stood beside the bed.

“Look, Miyeon-ah,” she showed her the freshly dyed hair. “She’s beautiful,” she whispered. “Shu, how did you know I was in hospital?”

“Subin said,” she sighed, sitting on the edge of her bed. “Why?”

“I’ve had a bit of trouble breathing… that’s all.”

Shuhua pouted. “You should eat, unnie. We only live once, and if you don’t start eating now, you’re never going to try every single delicious dish in the world. I’m worried you’ll die not knowing the flavours of some really cool things,” she waved her finger, Minnie grabbing her hand and kissing it.

“You know how to sell things, don’t you?” she kissed her forehead. “If I eat too much I don’t feel well, Shu… and on top of that…” Miyeon placed a hand on her leg, signalling for her to stop. “It’s just… been a lot.”

“You’ll be okay for the comeback right? Your hair is too pretty for you to not show up.”

Minnie smiled. “I’ll be there. Just you wait,” she squeezed her cheeks. “Have you been to the café? There’s chocolate cake there.”

“Really?!” her eyes widened.

“Minnie-ah, get some rest. I’ll take her,” Miyeon leant down to meet her lips, before pulling Shuhua off the bed. “Say bye.”

Shuhua waved, swinging her hand in Miyeon’s as she dragged her out of the room. Minnie sighed, staring at the ceiling.

“Unnie,” she turned to her nurse- the one who had been looking after her for almost two years now. “If the paranoia starts happening here, what do I do? I need Miyeon, but visiting hours aren’t long enough for her to stay all night.”

“We can make some exceptions,” the nurse offered. “How did it work at home?”

“She would sleep beside me. We’ve made the decision for her to move in with me. But after the comeback, I’m thinking I might be here a while.”

“It’s okay. It’s hard for her to sleep in the same bed as you since you have wires and attachments all over the place. With that being said, we could roll another bed in, if that helps.”

“I need to feel her warmth,” she sighed. “It doesn’t matter if she’s here. If I can’t feel her, to me she isn’t.”

“Have you tried tricking your brain with smells?” she offered. “If you spray her perfume or whatever fragrance she wears, it could help. You could spray it on yourself, on your pillow, or around the room,” she listed.

“I don’t think it’s about my brain. I genuinely don’t feel safe if she isn’t beside me.”

“That… that would be difficult, Minnie-ah,” she removed some attachments. “If you didn’t need all these fluids, we would be in a different situation right now. We need to bring your body up to some kind of health to mask everything that’s been happening. It’s just for a few weeks. You’ll be okay. If you weren’t releasing this month, so many things would be different, and it’s been busy for us too.”

“I know. Thanks unnie,” she mumbled, feeling the bed lie back flat as she was lowered towards the floor.

“Sleep, Minnie. There will be food for you when you wake up.”

Minnie nodded, tucking her head into her Gigi as her nurse left the room.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“So, Tian Xiaojuan, you’ve been looking after our daughter in South Korea,” Yuqi’s mother began, everyone tucking into dinner. Yuqi unnecessarily translated to Korean. “You’re a pretty girl, Xiao. You’re told that a lot, aren’t you?”

Soyeon blushed. “By Yuqi,” she snorted.

Yuqi kicked her under the table. “She is! I agree. We all do. I think our group is full of visuals.”

“Even yourself?” her mother nodded, amused. “I raised you to have self-confidence, and I did a good job.” They high-fived.

“Xiao, how old are you?”

Soyeon turned to Yuqi. “I am twenty five.”

“She’s twenty four,” Yuqi nodded.

“She’s quiet,” her father mumbled. “Have you come to China before?”

“For promotions,” she explained. “Fan meets.”

“The quality of your music is excellent. I hope our Qiqi learnt a thing or two from you.”

Yuqi didn’t even bother to translate that, knowing Soyeon understood every word. Soyeon just nodded and smiled. After a while, the conversation was getting boring, Soyeon leaned over to rest her head against Yuqi’s shoulder. Yuqi rubbed her side gently.

“Are you tired?” she asked in Korean.

“I guess it’s a bit of jet lag. I also just want to cuddle you…”

Yuqi chuckled. “Baby, they’ve probably arranged for separate beds.”

“Didn’t you tell them we could share?” she began to panic.

“Mama, do we have separate rooms?” Yuqi turned to her. “I think she’s getting tired. Or is she just using my room too?”

“I didn’t know what you preferred-“

“She can stay with me. My bed’s quite big. I’ll probably be the one to kick someone off, if anyone.”

Yuqi turned back to her girlfriend, ruffling her short black wolf cut, watching her yawn adorably. “Jetleg,” her father laughed. Yuqi stood up, pulling her away from the dining table and lifting her so her legs could wrap around her waist.

“Ugi Woogie,” she mumbled, falling asleep against her as she made her way to the stairs.

“Don’t fall down,” her mother shouted, making Yuqi roll her eyes.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Hey Mei,” Shuhua smiled, seeing Hina in the background of the videocall playing Minecraft. “How are you, baby?”

“I’m good. School’s been fun,” she smiled.

“Really? How are those shoes Xiao and Yuqi bought?”

“Comfy… they felt broken into slightly. It was so convenient. Everyone else almost broke their ankles this month.”

“I think Xiaojuan danced about in them to help with that,” she giggled.

“I wish I could see her. She would have been such a beautiful ballerina. Imagine if she hadn’t stopped? She would have been famous, I know. She was homeschooled! I begged to be homeschooled for how long?”

“I wish I could see her too. None of us have. She hasn’t shown us any videos of her.”

Meiling pouted. “Hina’s is in the background. Hina, wave! Sorry, she’s busy.”

“It’s okay, Mei. I don’t need her to recognise me just yet,” she reminded.

“Oh, right… sorry. You were so pretty with blonde hair. Can I dye mine?”

“You can do whatever you want,” Shuhua winked. “But Mei…”

“Hm?”

“Please don’t be scared to ask my anything. Especially now that you’re older… our dynamic isn’t just older and younger sister now. I feel responsible for you, and especially since you’re now of the age that I was when I came here. Please… we’re sticking together no matter what,” she smiled. “I wish I cuddled you earlier today, you’re looking extra puffy- I could squeeze you.”

“Please don’t,” she rolled her eyes. “Yehs stick together,” she pumped her fist, Shuhua doing the same.

Chapter 5: i eat a lot when i'm hungry lately

Chapter Text

Yeh Shuhua

Unnie

mei thanks you for the shoes

they fit perf

captain sso umma

really??

that’s good

how is school?

she's happy

she’s made friends

that’s a win

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Jagiya,” Yuqi rolled over to spoon the shorter girl. “You awake?”

She grunted, turning over to face her. “I ate too much," she patted her belly.

She smiled. “Chinese food’s great. Especially my umma’s.”

Soyeon wrapped her arms around her. “I’m scared Woogs. They won’t accept us.”

“I don’t know about that,” she rubbed her back calmingly. “I can’t just hide you from them. They have to know-“

“Please don’t tell them,” she begged, tears filling her eyes.

“Soyeon,” Yuqi frowned. “Are you okay? You never cry so easily-“

“You think this is easy for me? Woogs, if they don’t like you dating me, we have to break up. We don’t have a choice.”

“Yes we do, unnie. If they don’t love me for being me, why should I make sacrifices just to stay with them?”

“They’re your family. Dreams are one thing but family is another.”

“If your parents didn’t accept you, what would they do?”

“I’m not gay. You’re just… an exception.”

Yuqi looked at her, confused and offended. “Harsh. I’m the one who’s actually dated boys here. Even I’ve accepted I’m not straight.”

Soyeon rolled her eyes. “Look, Woog, think about it overnight. But I’m warning you. Today could be our last day as a couple.”

She turned back over, flicking off the light switch.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Subin,” Miyeon knocked on her door.

“Hey Miyeon-unnie,” she stood up from her desk, bowing ninety degrees.

“You don’t need to do that,” she complained. “I get it, you’re sorry.”

Subin, Minnie’s manager, and much younger than the rest of her team, still felt compelled to treat both Miyeon and her girlfriend with utmost respect, ever since she shouted at them when she found out they were together.

“It’s been a year.”

“I’m still sorry!” Subin whined, sitting back down. “How’s unnie?”

“She’s… not doing great. I asked you to allocate her Jimin. What went wrong?”

“Who? Her therapist from last year?”

“Yes?”

She sighed. “I didn’t… I didn’t schedule those appointments. I don’t know Jimin at all. If that’s what you want then you need to talk to Minami, I’m sorry.”

“Fine,” she sighed. “Look, I’m worried about Minnie. I don’t know if she’s capable of doing the comeback. She’s barely surviving after this tour. I don’t think two weeks is enough for her to recover.”

“It needs to be. Soyeon doesn’t want to delay this.”

“Why?”

“Reasons I just don’t know. Take it up with her.”

“No, I can’t. If she hears Minnie’s unwell, she might… spiral. I’m not… I’m not risking that.”

“It’s one and a half months of back to back performances. If you think Minnie can handle it with guidance and support then, so be it. If you don’t think she can, speaking to Soyeon or the director is the best way to move. Having said that, the stock market prices are supposed to be increasing, and Soyeon’s done a lot of analysis to time the release, so if you need to delay it, she may not be happy.”

“Right… okay,” she gave in. “I’ll see what I can do.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

5^th October 2022

Shuhua stared at the contacts on her phone, both beside each other. Whilst her message to her ex-girlfriend seemed sad and hopeless, the newly saved number did much to ease her out of the pain of breaking up with the girl she so loved.

Her finger hovered over the call symbol, breath hitching as she imagined her voice down the line… but soon remembered Soyeon’s words, and switched her phone off.

Maybe the ban was for the better. Maybe both of them would be better off without each other.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

The couple walked down the road from the convenience store, snacks in a bag that they held between them. Yuqi was staring at the ground in thought, whilst Soyeon’s other hand dug deep in her coat pocket.

“I’m ready,” Yuqi turned to look at her, Soyeon simply nodding.

“That’s good to hear,” she responded.

Yuqi gulped. “Do you mean that?”

She raised her eyebrows. “When have I ever wished hell on you?”

“Alright, alright…”

“Shuhua’s over me, so we’re good to go.”

“Really? She told you that?”

“Let’s face it. Soojin gave her that final wakeup call before they split. It was enough to shake her up.”

“Do you really think keeping them away from each other is a good idea?”

“Well, Shuhua agreed with it. It’s a mutual pact, really. I suggested it, and Shuhua hated it, but Soojin asked for it, and then Shuhua wanted it, but then I hated it, and Soojin hated it, but Shuhua wanted it even more, so I wanted it in support of her.”

“I- Oh… right… so… that’s a yes?”

“Yep.”

“It’s sad, isn’t it. Soojin became such a big part in our lives for a few years, and that’s it. Gone.”

She shrugged. “Sad fact of reality, Woogs.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“So, did you speak to Jimin?” Minnie asked weakly, Miyeon joining her side in the hospital bed. Miyeon took her hand, squeezing it as she sat in the visitor’s chair.

“I spoke to Subin, who will speak to Mina on behalf of me. Overall, I think you’ll get a few sessions with her.”

“Thanks unnie,” she beamed. “How are you? Have you eaten?”

“Have you?”

She nodded slowly, pointing at the empty bowl. “Soup.”

“Good,” she kissed her head. “We need you on solids soon. You won’t get enough energy from just soup. It’s a work in progress, I guess.”

“I feel better. I don’t like being ill. I don’t know why I do it to myself, but I don’t like it when it happens.”

“Sometimes you just want to control things and have it your way. These past two years have been more than chaos for everyone, so I understand your pain. Try and focus on yourself, and all the things you can achieve if you had more energy. Hey, you could even have an album to yourself,” she teased.

“Nothing beats yours,” she yawned. “I wouldn’t stand a chance.”

“Of course you would. You have the siren voice, Nicha. You underestimate yourself.”

“I guess I could… not right now.”

“Not right now,” she repeated.

“What if I can’t do this comeback?”

“I spoke to Subin. She said it’s my judgement, but that can’t be right. You should tell me what you want.”

“I want to do it. I don’t want Soyeon to see me suffer. But I don’t want hate for being lazy.”

“You look different too. If people notice that, they’d notice why.”

“Will the stylists help me look better?”

“That’s their job, Min. Telling Soyeon is probably the best thing you could do right now.”

“No… I can’t. I’ll tell them secretly. Just… try not to make a big deal out of it. I’m dealing with it.”

“Really?”

“I promise. I’ll be better.”

“The last time you promised, Soyeon gave you CPR for ten minutes straight, and we almost accepted the fact that you were dead.”

“This is different. I’m in hospital now. Haven’t been out properly in a long time. I miss the world. I can’t even go back to Thailand.”

“I trust you to look after yourself, but you need to trust me. Telling Soyeon is the best thing you could do for the group-“

“I’m not doing it,” she raised her voice. Miyeon sighed helplessly, backing down as Minnie began to cry in her spot.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Kimchi,” Minami called her girlfriend, who also happened to be Soyeon’s manager. “Did you hear about the lovebirds in China?”

Kimachi rolled her eyes. “Who? Minnie and Miyeon?”

“No! Soyeon and Yuqi.”

“Why? Aren’t they releasing like… tomorrow?”

“Well, yeah, but Yuqi’s coming out to her parents.”

“Oh shit,” she snorted. “Can we bet on how it’s going to go?”

“Machi,” she gave her a look.

“Dude, this is funny stuff.”

“What if her parents don’t accept it?”

“Well, she should have thought of that, no?”

“True…”

“If she’s so excited about doing it, there must be something she’s looking forward to. Tell me, were you bouncing for joy when you told Jimin you were dating me?”

“No.”

“Well… she is.”

“But umma’s her therapist. It’s differe-“

“No, dumbass, I’m talking about her telling her parents.”

“Watch your tongue. I’m older than you.”

“Yeah yeah,” she guffawed. “Seriously, can we bet?”

“Alright. I think it’ll go well.”

“And I don’t.”

“So, how much?”

“Oh, I was thinking of a week’s worth of glory, but we could do cash.”

Minami groaned, slamming her head into the table.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Shuhua finally picked her phone back up, calling her next favourited contact.

“Woman.”

“Child.”

Shuhua cleared her throat. “Mei’s having a blast.”

“Really? That’s crazy,” Shufen snorted.

“Dude, seriously.”

“Well, I’d hope so. Wasn’t she supposed to start this time last year?”

“Well yeah… but-“

“She didn’t! And I still paid the whole tuition fee. Is she with kids younger than her?”

“It’s just a course, really. It’s based on ability, not age.”

“How is her friend? Mina?”

“Hina. No, she’s been helping Mei with friends. Mei’s Korean has really improved recently.”

“Is it better than yours?”

“Know your limits.”

Shufen scoffed. “So… how are you?”

“I’m fine.”

“That’s good. You were brilliant on tour- I watched a few clips. I hope you can come to Taiwan one day to perform. Our parents really want to watch you.”

“Yeah… that would be nice.”

“Have you told them about you and Mei?”

“No, and I don’t plan on doing it. It’s been a year now. I’m mentally over it. They’ll treat the situation as if it happened yesterday.”

“They love you, Shu. They just want to look after you.”

“You did that enough,” she babbled. Shufen blew a kiss.

“I can’t believe it’s been six years since you left.”

“I know. Everything has happened so fast. I can’t believe we’ve become this successful.”

“’Tomboy’, hm? Good song. Would’ve been nice to hear you swear a bit.”

“Mama would have flown over here to smack me,” she complained. “But these locations were awful. No Beijing? Only one day in Bangkok? No Europe or Australia?!”

“You’re right. It’s fine, the clips were good. The stylists know how to dress you.”

“Xiao did the costume design.”

“She does everything. She’s… something else.”

“I idolise her. I want to be like her when I grow up. Mei does too.”

“Well… you better start now,” she joked. “I need to go, Bao, but we’ll speak later, okay?”

“Bye bye.”

“Bye Baobao.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“You know what I was thinking,” Minnie began through her mouth of pasta. “Where’s Yuyeon?”

Miyeon pursed her lips. “Oh, right. Don’t worry, jagi, they aren’t ignoring you, I think Yuqi took her to Beijing to meet her family. You know how much time Yuqi spends with her parents.”

“That’s nice,” she thought. “Is she introducing her as her girlfriend?”

“I don’t know. I could text her, but… she’s probably busy, you know?”

“Yeah, I get it. It’s been a long time since she’s seen her parents at all.” She paused. “The whole world seems fake,” she mumbled. “Did 2021 really happen? I feel like I wasn’t there when it did. Or even this year, for that matter.”

“You weren’t there when it did,” Miyeon kissed her hand.

“Why do you choose to stay beside me? You can go home, you know. Go rest.”

Miyeon chuckled. “I’m afraid I won’t do that.”

“Why not? Miyeon, I shouldn’t be your priority.”

“No, no, will always come first to me. Always.”

She groaned. “I’m concerned that you’ll get tired of this, and it could affect our relationship. Seeing people too much causes problems.”

“I’m just here to make sure you know that you’re loved. You’re losing touch with reality, jagi.”

“I know… it’s scary,” she whispered.

“I can imagine. I’ve decided that for as long as I can try, I’m not leaving you out of my sight.”

“But why? It’s okay-“

“Ever since the bath incident, I’m not convinced. I thought you were okay. I thought you were getting better. And then you pass out because you hadn’t eaten in thirteen days?”

“I was young and naïve. I’m twenty six now.”

“This was last year.”

Minnie stared at her. “Fine, but you’ve got to admit. I’m doing better.”

“I’m not sure about that,” she winced. “Look, if you can eat at least one proper meal tomorrow, I’ll think about not telling Soyeon, okay?”

“Deal,” she grinned.

Chapter 6: i think i'm gonna die

Notes:

happy soyeon day! (why is she celebrating with CHILDREN)
3 updates :D

Chapter Text

Yuqi gulped. Finally came the time to tell her parents what she’d been dreading. They were sitting in the living room calmly working on their laptops, Yuqi fiddling with her hair by the door. Soyeon stood awkwardly behind her, scratching her crimson sore arm with her old scab marks.

“Don’t do that,” Yuqi whispered, pulling the red arm away from her hand, and wrapping it around her waist. “You don’t want it to scar.”

“We’re long past that point,” Soyeon deadpanned.

She sighed. “After this, I’ll find some cream to give you.”

Soyeon nodded, Yuqi finally gathering enough courage to walk in, Soyeon’s arm still around her body. Her parents looked up from their devices in bewilderment.

“Mama, Baba, there’s another reason why we came to China now. I wanted to tell you both something.” She paused.

“What?” her father asked when she didn’t continue.

“I- uh… I’m bisexual. O-Oh! And better still, Soyeon and I- we’re… in a relationship.”

The room fell even more silent than it was before.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“When did you dye your hair?”

“I dunno. Yesterday?”

“Yes, that’s when I last saw you.”

Shuhua narrowed her eyes, as her younger sister giggled down the phone. “Really?”

“Yes, really. Why do you want to see me so bad?”

“So, I can’t see my little sister?”

“No, you can’t. She’s busy.”

“Doing what?”

“Her girlfriend.”

“You’re kidding.”

“I am. But still. You didn’t like me that much. What changed?”

“I always- ugh. I’m bored, that’s all.”

“Go do a show or something,” Meiling grumbled. “Isn’t that what you idols do all the time? Sing, dance, be hot, do a show.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“Why not?”

“It’s just… not.”

“Alright, well… suit yourself.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“You? Gay?!”

“Y- Yeah…”

Had Kimachi been there to watch, she would have won the bet. No, things weren’t going well. In fact, things were going horribly.

“And you’re dating this… this Korean?” Ah… there we begin.

“She’s Soyeon! You loved her yesterday!”

Her mother was seething in anger, and her father just stared at her as if he’d never seen her in his life.

“She’s doing things to you, isn’t she? She’s making you do this. This- This abomination. No wonder she’s hated across the globe. Couldn’t even keep five members in the group, and now she’s soliciting the ones that are still there?” She strode up to her, grabbing her by the chin. “You! What are you doing to our daughter, you pathetic whore.” She shoved her back.

Yuqi grabbed onto her, shoving her behind herself. “Don’t touch her!” she shouted in defence.

“Oh, oh she’s lucky she doesn’t understand Chinese, because I’m about to-“

“Well don’t,” Yuqi sobbed, pushing her mother back. “Don’t you dare say anything about her like that. She’s… she’s everything I have in Korea. She’s everything I work hard for. And you come and tell her she’s an abomination? Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?”

“Ashamed? Ashamed? Am I the one who’s gay?!” she spat.

Yuqi turned behind her. “Go upstairs, Xiao. I’ve got this,” she pecked her forehead.

“No. I- I don’t like you being here alone,” she responded in a broken accent, Yuqi’s mother holding her breath as she was about to speak.

“You speak Chinese?” she scoffed, walking towards the smaller girl, who backed away slowly against the wall, flushing red in fear.

“Mama, get away from her,” Yuqi growled from behind her. “I’m warning you.”

“You-“

“Mama,” she cried, wincing as the sound of a smack echoed across the whole room, Soyeon left startled in her place with a handprint against her cheek, Yuqi’s mother standing in front of her, seeing red. Yuqi pushed her way in between them, gathering her girlfriend in her arms protectively. “How dare you!” she screamed, Soyeon too stunned to have any reaction at all. “You- You heartless-“

Her mother snatched her out of her embrace, tilting her chin up forcefully. “What are you doing to my daughter, Tian Xiaojuan?” she snarled, her grip tightening across her face as she pulled her closer. “Stay away from our daughter.” She gave her another smack, Yuqi diving at her instantly.

Yuqi shoved her mother back, pushing her until she fell to the floor. “Don’t you dare touch her,” she punched her weakly against the chest, emotions getting the best of her. “Soyeon, go!” she shouted back. “Get out of here.”

Soyeon, trembling in her spot, slowly backed out of the room, where she collapsed physically against the floor. The whole world was spinning around her, Yuqi’s desperate screams echoing in her ears.

“You don’t know what she’s been through,” Yuqi sobbed. “You don’t know what she’s experienced. She’s been through hell, and look at her now. Bright, successful, talented. And all you care about is the fact that we’re in love? Why do you care so much? Baba likes women- why can’t I?”

“I don’t care what she’s been through. She’s taking control of you, Song Yuqi. She’s using you. That’s what girls like her do.”

“Girls like her are the ones that care, mama. They’re the ones that are loving, kind, virtuous.” She shook her head. “I can’t believe you’re taking this out on her and not me,” she flung her arms. “I love her just as much.”

Her mother stepped forwards, trying to intimidate her, but she stayed put, much to Soyeon’s admiration. “Then get out,” she spat, her words hitting her like a baseball bat across the head. She turned towards her father, who seemingly also wasn’t in favour of the whole ordeal.

“I understand. You’re homophobic, and I’ve been brainwashed,” she summarised, shaking her head pathetically. “So what? If I leave Soyeon, I’m suddenly normal again? Bullshit.”

“Break it up, or I won’t allow you back to Korea.” She paused. “No, you can go back to Korea, but you won’t be welcomed here anymore.”

Yuqi strode out of the room, grabbing Soyeon’s hand and striding up the stairs, throwing themselves into her room and locking the door.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Minnie walked through the familiar doors, being greeted by the familiar face from behind the desk.

“Kim Minnie,” Jimin smiled, standing up and walking over to embrace her. “Long time no see.”

Minnie shuddered. “I missed these sessions.”

She pulled away. “Come and sit down. How have things been since I last saw you?” she beamed. “I heard you went on tour.”

“It was good,” she smiled, lying down on the famous yellow beanbag. Jimin sat beside her, passing her a mug and a ball of wool. Minnie lightened up. “You remembered?”

“None of my other patients were as fascinated with yarn as you. And here’s the matcha I talked about.”

“You remember that too?” she took a sip, melting in the chair. “This is great. I like this.”

“I can give you the pot when you leave. It’s very high grade quality. Don’t waste it.”

Minnie nodded eagerly. “Thanks Jimin.”

“So, Miyeon sent you here. What’s gone wrong?”

“Everything,” she admitted. “Tour… it was fun, but… I was going insane. I became so paranoid, and everything worsened my mental health.”

“That sounds awful. So, how did the paranoia affect you?”

“I couldn’t sleep at night. I always felt a presence watching me. When we were on stage, I didn’t like the fact that people were watching me. I became very tired. The jetlag didn’t help.”

“Of course, travelling at least twice a week to another location must have been exhausting. Okay, tell me, were you eating enough?”

She flushed in regret. “I don’t think I did. I ate when I was hungry.”

“Okay. How much did you eat? Approximately in a day, how many meals?”

“Less than one… I had snacks.”

She nodded, making notes in her notebook. “Maybe it was to do with your blood sugar spikes. That can have an effect on your mood, and your ability to concentrate. Did you feel that the paranoia worsened towards the end of the tour?”

“Kind of…”

“Okay,” she nodded. “Did the members know?”

“I told Miyeon towards the end, but… it was too late for her to do anything.” Minnie’s stomach rumbled as she was about to continue. Jimin looked up from her notebook in thought.

“I think monitoring your blood sugar is a good way to start. Are you on a meal plan at all?” she asked, standing up and walking to the cupboard and grabbing a bag of popcorn.

“It’s hard… since CUBE also has weight limits.” Minnie looked at the bag that was handed to her, sceptically.

“It’s low calories, if it helps,” Jimin offered. Minnie nodded, pulling the bag open.

“Nice.”

“Are you meeting the limits right now?”

“Yes.”

“Are all of the girls meeting them?”

“I think so, yeah. Soyeon forced everyone to lose as much as they could before our earlier comeback. I don’t think anyone’s put it back on.”

“Alright, and is Soyeon healthy?”

“Yes.”

“Okay… Why do you struggle with food? Was it something I’m unaware of? Or is this still from last year?” Minnie nodded. “Right, so it’s been a while. What have the doctors said?”

“They’ve been monitoring what I eat.”

“And has that helped?”

“I put on eight pounds, so I guess,” she offered.

“That’s good. You don’t gain weight easily. Many people would kill for that, but in your case, you need to eat more to have enough energy to be a better performer. I know you’re simply a vocalist, but you need energy for that too."

“I know. I’ll lock in soon.”

“Have the visions disappeared?”

She sighed. “Everyone calls them visions. They’re just… atmospheres. I don’t see anything; I feel it.”

“When does it happen?”

“I used to think it was only in unfamiliar places, like on tour, but even a few days ago I thought someone was standing in my bedroom. I had to call Miyeon in the middle of the night for help.”

“You feel unsafe in your own home?”

“Miyeon’s temporarily moved in with me.”

“Do you think the eating habits and your feeling of insecurity are linked?”

“I don’t think so… Well… maybe. I’m also losing the will to be in the group at all. It’s not the girls, of course. It’s just… so much. Too much.”

“What would you do if you left the group?”

“I would go back to Thailand. I would try for being an actress.”

“Do you think Thailand makes you feel safe?”

“No… I don’t know. The few days I spent with my parents, it didn’t back down. I don’t know if it was the fact that we were on tour, or if… I don’t know, I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry about, Minnie-ah. Miyeon said you’ve shut yourself out from the rest of the world. Is that true?”

She nodded slowly. “I guess I have.”

Minnie shuffled closer to her, placing the mug down as her hand frantically locked into the wool. Jimin placed an arm around her, Minnie sitting beside her quietly manipulating the toy in her hands.

“I’m pathetic,” she mumbled.

“No,” she whispered. “No, you’re not. Minnie, there are only so many people in the world who have achieved as much as you. You should be proud of yourself.”

Minnie shook her head. “I’m just… not cut out for this life, clearly.”

“Don’t let it throw you off course. You’re stronger than this.”

“I know… just…” she sighed. “I’m going to hold the group back.”

“Of course not! Those three girls love you like you a sister. Miyeon will always be by your side. It’s why being in a group is so helpful. In times like these, you do have each other to lean on.”

She shook her head. “I don’t want to see them…” she trailed off.

“Why not?”

She sniffled. “I don’t want Shuhua to feel saddened. She’s fragile, I feel, when it comes to other people’s emotions. Of course, she was a wreck when Soyeon was working her way back up. She was already restless since Soojin left. I don’t want something else to go wrong in her life.”

“Soyeon and Yuqi will be there for you.”

She hesitated. “Not Soyeon. I don’t want Soyeon around me. I don’t want her to see me like this. She already lacked confidence for this album. And Yuqi… well… she and Soyeon are a unit, I guess.”

“If you don’t want her to see you in this way, then what are you going to do about it? Your schedules start up in a few weeks.”

“I’m trying to do better for myself, as well as for the group.”

“Okay. Minnie-ah, I think you underestimate how far you’ve come,” Jimin concluded, closing the notebook. “Have you looked at pictures of yourself from when you debuted?” she opened up a few pictures on her iPad. Minnie gulped, trying to avoid looking at them, but curiosity getting the best of her. “You were happy. So happy. Look at you here,” she pointed to a photo in the corner.

“Huh… I don’t remember that being taken. I don’t remember when that happened.”

“That was last year. February. Miyeon took the picture. She says it’s the last time she saw you happy with yourself and your life.”

A tear rolled down her cheek. She stared at herself wistfully, melancholy filling her bones at the sight of her old self. She looked up, in the mirror. Bones slightly more visible, dark circles around her eyes- that were red from crying, and a lack of colour from her skin.

Herself in the image- vibrating with happiness, her skin shiny with youthful life. Miyeon sat behind her, kissing her cheek, her face scrunched up against hers.

“You know what’s different?”

“I look awful.”

“No, Min. You haven’t seen yourself properly. Aside from all of these changes, what’s biggest is that you’re growing up. Even if your lives were perfect, you still wouldn’t be the same. Look how far you’ve come.”

“Not very. I think I’ve plummeted.”

“People say there’s a rise before a fall, but that can always be flipped around. Don’t lose hope- you have big things to come.”

Minnie nodded slowly. “Can I have that picture of me and Miyeon?” she asked quietly.

“Miyeon sent it to me, but of course. Sweetheart, don’t worry. Focus on yourself and your health, and-“

“But Jimin, what’s wrong with me? Do you know?”

She clicked her tongue, figuring out an answer to the complicated question. “Looking at what you’ve said today, and what you said to my colleague earlier, you’re showing signs of severe depression, that is then having knock on effects in terms of your eating habits and your paranoia.”

Her jaw fell. “R-really?”

“It’s okay, Min. You can get through it, but you need to put your mind to it. Miyeon and I will help you. The girls can, if you let them.”

Minnie sat in silence, letting the diagnosis sink in.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

As soon as the door slammed shut, Yuqi gathered Soyeon into her arms picking her up and squeezing her against her chest desperately. She sat on the edge of the bed, kissing her head over and over again, feeling her rage take over her whole body as she screamed against her shoulder. Soyeon stared at her in silence, still shaken up by what had just happened.

“My baby,” she whispered, cradling her. “My baby, don’t listen to anything she said. She’s… so stupid,” she gritted her teeth. “It’s my fault- all my fault,” she sobbed. “She shouldn’t have hit you. I’m sorry, baby. So, so sorry.”

Soyeon curled up against her, not saying a word.

“I’ve ruined this, haven’t I? Shit. What am I supposed to do? I- I need them. I’m alone without them,” she panicked. “I don’t understand. I just love a girl. I haven’t changed. I didn’t kill someone. I’m not hurting anyone. I just… I just want to date a girl. Is that too much to ask for? I guess it is.”

“Yuqi-ah,” Soyeon pulled away, her voice trembling. “Yuqi, we need to break up,” she gave up weakly, sliding off her lap.

Yuqi looked up, horrified. “Sso? Sso, what do you mean? No, no, we’re not doing that-“

“We are, Yuqi. Didn’t you hear what she said? You won’t be allowed back here-“

“I don’t care-“

“You need to, Woogs. You need to have family. Love is one thing, but family is another. Your career is another.”

Yuqi shook her head desperately, standing up with her. She sobbed openly, tugging the older woman’s hand, who snatched it away. “Soyeon, please.”

“I’m sorry, Yuqi. We can’t. We can’t do it. I’m not doing it.”

“I’ll leave them behind, Sso,” she begged. “Don’t do this,” she sobbed.

“I don’t want you to do that, Yuqi. You’re safer with them than with me. It’s okay. You’ll find someone else.”

“Are you kidding me? You’re telling me to find someone else? Have you forgotten the pure hell we experienced together? The pain? Those months of treachery? And you’re telling me to break up with you? Fucking hell, Soy, I thought I’d seen the worst.”

“Yuqi, I’m protecting you.”

“Protecting my ass, Soyeon.”

Soyeon turned her back towards her.

“Regardless, we should leave soon. Either way, your parents don’t want to see either of us.”

Yuqi wanted to respond, but she couldn’t retaliate. She was right. There was no point in her being there. There was no point in Soyeon being somewhere where she could be harmed.

“Do you really want us to end? Just like that?” Yuqi asked quietly.

Soyeon turned to her. “We’re over, Woogs. I’m sorry.” She pulled out her suitcase. “I’ll book two flights for tomorrow. We either end it now and have the separate seats, or acknowledge the journey as our last time together. It’s your choice.”

Yuqi stared at her. “The second one,” she stepped towards her. “I want to sleep beside you, at least. Are we never going to talk again?”

“It depends, Woogs. It depends on so many things.”

She left the room, leaving Yuqi by herself.

“But out of all the things she could have said,” she thought, “she never once said ‘I told you so’.”

Chapter 7: when i lie down beside the cool looking you,

Chapter Text

Exiting the school gates, the last person Meiling expected to see waiting for her was the one beaming with open arms, right in front of her.

“Shu…hua?” she questioned in disbelief, sprinting up to her older sister who gathered her up and squeezed her tightly.

“Hey, Mei,” she kissed cheek, bending slightly to her height.

“You came? Why?”

“I told you I missed you.”

Meiling smiled. “You could do this every day,” she kissed her back. “Unnie.”

“Unnie?” Shuhua smiled. “Not many people have called me that before,” she chuckled, before coming back to her senses and noticing the swarm of student around them.

“Are you… Yeh Shuhua? From (G)I-DLE?”

Shuhua froze. “O-oh… I- I…” she looked down, Meiling buzzing with excitement. “Yeah!” she gave in. “Yeah, that’s me.”

“And Meiling’s your sister?”

“Yep.”

A chorus of groans of awe surrounded them, as Shuhua grabbed her hand and led her out of the building.

“You didn’t have to do that, you know?” Meiling giggled, skipping beside her.

“Why not? I can’t be proud of my little sister?”

“No, silly. But… yeah, I think I’m going to be quite popular now. Maybe as popular as you were?”

“That’s good to hear,” she gestured to the car, both taking the backseats. “Back to the company building is fine,” she called to her manager, who drove away immediately.

“Shuhua, when can I see Yejin again?”

Shuhua wanted to answer immediately, but in reality, she hadn’t thought much about it either. “Yejin…” she trailed off. “I don’t know, really. Hopefully soon.”

“Please?! We miss each other.”

“I can imagine. Look, Mei, I’ll try my best, okay?”

Meiling nodded eagerly. “Best sister ever.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

6^th October 2022

The next morning was awkward for Soyeon and Yuqi both, who woke up early to pack their suitcases to head back to Korea. Neither of them said a word, Soyeon avoiding her to the best of her abilities, contrasting to the night they had just spent together, tied up and crushed within each other’s arms. Yuqi did her best to share a kiss with the older woman, who reciprocated half heartedly each time.

“Jagiya, I have cream if your cheeks sting still. I’m still so, so sorry that even happened.”

“It’s okay,” Soyeon mumbled, zipping up the bags and turning to her with a light smile. “It’s nothing I haven’t experienced before,” her smile faded.

Yuqi felt herself about to cry already, but stopped herself with all the willpower she could. She grabbed her own bags, as well as Soyeon’s, and headed out of the room quietly. Soyeon followed closely behind her, as the pair slipped out of the house and down the road.

“You don’t have to carry that, you know?” Soyeon took her things back. “I didn’t pick and choose seats this time. If we’re apart, then that’s it then.”

“You’re seriously breaking up with me as soon as we land?”

Soyeon stared at her, before pulling out her phone to call a taxi.

The ride was short, and quiet. Soyeon didn’t feel like talking, and Yuqi was scared that she would cry if she chose to open her mouth one more time. They didn’t talk during check-in, security, or boarding.

Standing in the terminal, Yuqi felt a pang of betrayal.

Soyeon was right. They were on opposite ends of the plane. And what hurt Yuqi was that Soyeon had lied- she had chosen the seats, and ensured space between themselves, giving Yuqi the business class ticket in turn, as she took economy.

Yuqi stared at her boarding pass in vain, wanting to call Soyeon out for her decision, but when she looked up, Soyeon was gone.

A tear rolled her down her cheek. To some extent, she could understand Soyeon’s actions. A solid breakup would be tough, sure, so to ease themselves into it, she was moving away from her step by step. But wouldn’t a warning have been nice?

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

I-DLE & MANAGEMENT TEAMS
Created by Jin Siyu

jagiya

meeting at nine o’clock tomorrow
morning please.

jagiya

discussing final i love promotional
details and arrangements

jagiya

taking place in meeting room B

minamimania!

wtf is this happening on zoom??

Kimachi

Aren’t you in China right now?

oversized chinese canine

we’re flying back today

minamimania!

shit why

jagiya

can we have all managers and idle members please

jagiya

please reply to show that you’ve seen this

myeon

Minnie might not be able to 😟

jagiya

do what you can unnie

shuperstar

can make it

riwonnie

can too

kimi

chae, siyu and I can.

subin!

will be there :D

oversized chinese canine

what time?

jagiya

9, see you there.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Miyeon groaned, Minnie staring at the ceiling lifelessly.

“We literally have a meeting tomorrow. You’ll have to hide all of this, or tell Soyeon. Your choice.”

“I’m not telling her shit,” Minnie scowled at the ceiling.

Miyeon sighed, stroking her girlfriend’s forehead. “Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

“I have a couple of weeks to gather my shit together. I think I can do it.”

“And if you can’t?”

“There’s no ‘can’t’, unnie. I have to.”

She nodded, pecking her cheek. “You know…” she began. “Sometimes I wonder if you being here is my fault.” Minnie turned to her in confusion. “That day when you drowned in the bath… It was because of me, I know… but… if I hadn’t said anything like that, maybe you have recovered back then.”

“We don’t know,” she shrugged.

“Do you ever curse me out because of that? Do you ever hate me?” she asked sincerely. “Soyeon explained to me how… how detrimental what I said to you was. I didn’t see it in the moment.”

“I never feel harshly against you. You were happy. It was me who had the problem.”

“It’s okay if you do,” she encouraged, brushing her hand against her upper arm. “Look, it’s getting late. I should probably go home.”

“Okay,” she sighed as Miyeon pulled away. “Goodnight kiss?”

Miyeon bent down to meet her lips, giving her two sweet kisses against them and her cheeks. “I love you, jagi.”

“And a hug?”

She sat on the edge of her bed, leaning over as Minning embraced her. “This good?”

“I miss when we did this every night.”

“We’ll be able to again soon,” she kissed her one last time. “I’ll pick you up tomorrow.”

“Good night,” she beamed, watching her girlfriend leave the ward before once again lying flat on her back in exhaustion.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

7^th October 2022

“Okay,” Soyeon tidied her papers. “So… here’s the list of things we need doing. I’m going to go through it, and if you’ve done or have started doing it, shout out.”

Everyone looked around awkwardly. The morning had started off unusually quietly. Everyone noticed something was off between the leader and her girlfriend, who sat far away from each other and hadn’t shared a word.

They went through it quietly, no one wanting to push Soyeon over the edge, everyone noticing how potentially volatile she seemed to be.

When the meeting came to an end, everyone left swiftly, Yuqi remaining in the back corner whilst Soyeon pulled Minnie back.

“Are you okay, unnie?” she asked genuinely. Minnie nodded quickly.

“Soyeon-ah, I’m fine,” she sighed. “I’m still tired after the tour, but I’m fine. Thank you for caring, though. It’s what makes you the leader we all need.” She pecked her cheek, leaving the room quickly to join her girlfriend.

Soyeon averted her gaze from the woman who had left, turning to Yuqi, who was staring at her with folded arms. She didn’t say anything to her, ignoring her whilst packing up her things.

“So you’re going to ignore me?” Yuqi’s voice broke the silence.

“Yuqi, I don’t know what you want from me,” she sighed.

She laughed dryly. “Soyeon, you’re a smart girl, and now you’re acting stupid? You know you’re being unreasonable.”

She swallowed, continuing to tidy her things. “Every action I make has a reason behind it.”

“Oh yeah? So explain this. My parents disown me, and so do you.”

“No. I leave you, so that your family of three can stay a family of three.”

She shook her head. “You’re- you’re pathetic.” Soyeon finally looked up. “You knew we were going to get backlash over this. You knew. And suddenly when it happens, you’re too scared to face it, and make us the victims. The whole point of this is to show them that we don’t care. Had I known you really were too ashamed to admit you’re not straight like you thought you were, I wouldn’t have dated you in the first place.”

“I’m not ashamed-“

“You’re giving me no reason to believe otherwise,” she hissed. “Face it. You’re just embarrassed. You’re embarrassed to tell people we’re dating, aren’t you?”

“But we’re not. We broke up.”

Yuqi narrowed her eyes, walking towards her. “You’re a loser,” she spat. “With no self confidence? Or self worth? You want me to hide myself so that my parents can pretend to like me again? What happened to being proud of yourself, huh?”

Soyeon chose not to respond.

“Let’s correct that. You’re the one who’s embarrassing, Soyeon.”

“Embarrassing for protecting you? Okay, I see. If I get put through this for caring about you-“

“Caring about me by making me hide myself?”

“By giving you the chance to go home to a loving family, yes. I am your leader before I was your girlfriend.”

“Bullshit. Our personal lives always come first and you know it.”

“I don’t care. I need to protect the group before I do what I want to do.”

“So you want us to date still?”

“Oh, oh of course, after you called me pathetic, embarrassing and a loser all in the span of fifteen seconds. I would love that,” she spat sarcastically. “Have you ever heard of the phrase ‘if you love something, set it free’?”

“Have you ever head of the phrase ‘kiss my ass’?”

Soyeon shook her head. “It’s like I’m talking to a brick wall, Yuqi. Go away.”

“You think you can control us because you’re our leader. You know that’s like, ten percent of what you’re actually supposed to do, right?”

“Yuqi, leave before I say things I’ll regret,” she warned calmly.

“Really? Really? Go on then. No, I’ll stay. Let’s hear what you have to say,” she challenged.

“Your violence comes from your mother,” Soyeon’s voice remained controlled and quiet, as she continued clearing up the desks. “You don’t remember what it was like when you were in the middle of that phase. It’s been two years, and I don’t want to bring it up, but you’ve made me. You could have killed me that day, Yuqi. No one except for Soojin can vouch for how scary that was, because they weren’t there. Jimin played it down. So did the others.” She paused. “Your mother can hurt both of us.”

“Oh fuck off, for crying out loud. She clearly said she wasn’t going to interfere if we were in Korea.”

“I love you enough to give you the chance to make amendments with those that care about you.”

“And you don’t?” she raised her eyebrows.

Soyeon looked back down. “I do. I love you, Yuqi. But I don’t love you enough to damage my career.”

“I don’t understand how you would be.“

Zipping up her bag, Soyeon sighed. “Then you’re an idiot.”

“Excuse me?”

“No, no… no! No, I’m done with this, Yuqi. I truly am.” She took a pause to roll back her tears. “Without love, and this group, you’re no one to me! You’re no one I should be caring about, or protecting or loving. I shouldn’t care about you! I shouldn’t give a fuck about you! But I do! I do because I do, in fact, love you. But without that love, that’s slipping away right now, I couldn’t give anything more than a fuck about you. I want to pay attention to what matters. My career. My future. The group as a whole. Not you.”

Yuqi felt like she was punched in the gut. “You never cared about us, did you?” she narrowed her eyes.

“I did. But I realise now what a mistake I made.”

“Mistake?”

“You haven’t changed, Yuqi. You haven’t changed one bit. It’s not even about your parents, now. All you care about is yourself. This isn’t just the fact that your parents are angry with you. They can defame me. They can defame the group! They can start rumours to ruin your career. Yes! Your career. Because believe it or not, I do have a heart to protect your name and reputation.”

She shook her head. “Do you hear how self centred you are?”

“This is after a week of listening to you and your struggles over this. I begged you not to say anything. None of this is my fault-“

“And I’m not blaming you, but somehow, this is all about you.”

“This is about me-“

“There we go,” she mumbled.

“No, Yuqi, this is. Without me, you’d be nowhere. The group would be nowhere. If I say that we’re over, you best believe that’s the case.”

“I’d be nowhere? Do you see how popular we are everywhere else? Who gets the least hate? Who does all the brand promotions? Who’s bringing the most money into the group?” She scoffed. “You think you’re everything. You’re not.”

“The group doesn’t need you. The group needs me. My reputation is more important than yours.”

“Is that what you said to Soojin when she terminated her contract?”

Soyeon stared at her, her penetrative gaze unknowingly making her the younger woman easy, but she chose to stay put. “Don’t go there, Yuqi.”

“You always say that. You know what, I am going there. Is that why you don’t let us talk about her? It must be the case, right? You knew how badly you fucked up. You fucked up now. Admit it.”

“You’re the fuck up, Yuqi. You threw away a perfectly happy situation-“

“I did it for you. I didn’t want you to be some stupid guilty pleasure-“

“Hadn’t you noticed how I couldn’t care less?”

“Haven’t you noticed that I don’t care about never speaking to my parents again? If you love me, why aren’t you supporting my decision?”

“Because you’re a raging lunatic, Yuqi. You’re stupid. You don’t think ahead. I’m losing my trust in you. I’ve lost my ability to even deal with you.”

Yuqi laughed. “And you’re a pathetic embarrassment, like I said before. If your parents knew what you just did, they’d all be just as pissed as I am. You’re fucked up.”

“And you’re not? You used to beat people up to make a point,” she snorted. “Oh, sorry. You ‘grew up’, didn’t you? Well,” she snarled, “it’s not good enough. You’re not good enough.” They both smiled ironically.

“Normally this is when the hate sex happens,” Yuqi quipped.

Soyeon genuinely laughed. “That only happens when they don’t really hate each other,” her hand curled around the door, face loosening up. “I meant it all.”

“I did too.”

“Then get the fuck out of this room before I make you,” she snapped. “I was supposed to have a meeting with Yeonha, and you’ve delayed us by ten minutes.”

“Oh right,” she narrowed her eyes. “The show always carries on.” She bent down, until their faces were close together. “Fuck you, Jeon Soyeon. We’ve both done enough damage for today. You’re lucky I didn’t beat the shit out of you.”

“If your stunt didn’t make the news, I’d make sure that did,” she spat, slamming the door behind her.

… and little did they know, it would be the last time they talked to each other for the next two months.

Chapter 8: i don’t believe it.

Chapter Text

17.10-02.12

Everything is a blur. Soyeon and Yuqi don’t talk. Minnie pretends everything is fine, much to Miyeon’s contempt. Shuhua feels lonely, but knows better than to confide with Soyeon, who always seems on the brink of losing her mind. Everyone knows Yuqi and Soyeon fought. Kimachi and Minami dropped their bet after realising how their break up had affected the whole group, rather than just themselves.

Soyeon catches Shuhua’s glances towards her. Shuhua knows the relapse is obvious. But hey, if they’ve broken up, it can’t hurt.

Miyeon wants to say something about Minnie’s hidden secret, but knows Soyeon wouldn’t be able to handle any more stress under her belt after leaving Yuqi.

Yuqi and Soyeon wish nothing more than death upon each other.

Aside from that, the ‘I Love’ promotions run smoothly, and after one and a half gruelling months, they could finally take a break.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

3^rd December 2022

Shuhua kicked the wall. How, how could the name not leave her mind? The girl wasn’t of her dreams anymore. She was just another woman she liked.

She’d spent the last however many weeks erasing their sixth member from her brain, doing her best to focus on the task at hand, but the loneliness and guilt was enough to keep her visible.

“I should have been the one who left…”

No. Soyeon told her not to say that.

She sighed, pulling out her phone and gazing at a different contact number- one that she hadn’t texted since last Christmas. It was dangerous, but perhaps what she needed.

Yeh Shuhua

Hello, it’s been a while :)

Are you free soon? We could meet up.

Treat it like a first date.

I’d like that.

I was going to reach out but you beat me to it.

Especially in these months… being single around Christmas…

Ikrrr I’d rather die

I’m kidding

It’s nice that you’re still up for me

*for us

5^th dec

Got it

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Seriously? It hasn’t even been a day, and you’re back in hospital?” Miyeon groaned in exasperation at the sight of Minnie lying back in the hospital bed, skin grey, and eyes sunken.

“Baby, how do I look? How do I look?” she giggled, singing their lyrics.

“No, no Minnie. I’m getting tired! You’re not doing anything to help yourself!”

“I’m fine, unnie,” she insisted. “They took me off the drip. That’s progress, right?”

Her frown flipped immediately. “R-really? That’s good… yeah.” She sat beside her, pecking her cheek. “Tell Sso.”

“Over my dead body.” She smirked. “Hitting close to home?”

“I can’t believe you’re joking about your own death,” she narrowed her eyes.

Minnie shook her head, still laughing. “I stopped caring a long time ago.”

“I’m telling Soyeon.”

“Go on then. Give it a go,” she mocked. “You can’t. You know you can’t.” Her smile made Miyeon restless, filling her with confusion and anger. Before saying anything else, she stood up, leaving the room briskly.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

oversized chinese canine

got dumped two months ago, just
suffered a hell of a lot of promotions

you single still x

lucas <3

Yuqi.

No.

Nooo pls

plsplsplsplsplspls

plssssssssssssssssssssss

what?

my house

tmr

I BEG YOU

FOR WHAT

just

need a good fuck

it’s been a while man

are you drunk??

yeah so fucking what

actually please

please

i miss that cute cock of yours 🥺

come on baby

you know you want me too

you’re drunk

yes lucas im fucking drunk

doesn’t change what I want
though

fine

only cs you asked so kindly

😇

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Soyeon stared at the pictured of her and her ex-girlfriend positioned in front of her on her vanity, a barely filled wine bottle clutched in her right hand while her left was occupied by her phone, with even more photos of a similar kind.

She didn’t know how she felt about leaving the younger girl. Happy? Relieved? Lacking in confidence? Lonely?

She took one last swig at the bottle, shutting her eyes as the dark red liquid consumed her body, before falling backwards onto the floor unconscious, bottle rolling out onto the carpet.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

5^th December 2022

Shuhua entered the café hesitantly, looking around for the old face. Her eyes locked onto him, staring outside of the window.

“Wenhao?” she walked up to him hesitantly. “It’s Shuhua.”

He stood up immediately out of respect. “Shuhua,” he bowed, outstretching his arm towards the opposite side of the booth. “It’s been a while since someone called me that,” she smiled awkwardly.

“Really? You prefer Oscar?”

“I don’t mind, really, but here in Korea, I’m called Oscar. Also, can we speak Korean, if that’s okay? My Mandarin’s more than rusty.”

She nodded, his genuine demure making her feel at ease. “Okay… I’ll call you Oscar… oppa?”

“I’m not too pressed about that, you know.”

“Right… Oscar-oppa,” she glanced towards the menu, repeating the words under her breath.

“Change of heart?” he inquired. “It’s been a year. You look good. You seem brighter. I guess it’s from the success of your album.”

“Yeah,” she smiled. “We did well. I don’t know how to explain it, but this concept really gave me confidence, so I’m happier,” she nodded. “I broke up with my ex,” she added. “I remembered you… you had something special that I liked. Maybe that’s why I broke up with them.”

“Really? For me?” he raised his eyebrows, amused.

She shrugged. “Maybe,” she teased. “Well, even if it did involve a little… networking.”

“You cheated on him,” he deadpanned.

“Did I though? We didn’t kiss. We barely even hugged,” she reminded him.

“You went on a date when you were in a relationship.”

“I knew I was going to break up with them,” she cleared her throat. “My contract didn’t allow us together. Our time was up, really. I was just waiting for the final goodbye. And it happened, actually.”

“So, how long have you had your eye on me?”

She blushed. “A little longer than you would like to hear,” she chuckled lightly.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Unnie, is Miyeon here?” Minnie turned to her nurse as she was about to leave the room. “She’s normally here by now.”

“I’m sorry, Minnie. I haven’t seen her around,” she sighed. “Give her another hour.”

“She won’t come. She didn’t come yesterday,” she mumbled. “You were there. Did I hurt her? Did I say something I shouldn’t have?”

Her nursed pursed her lips. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening to your interaction. Get some sleep- you may feel better afterwards.” She left the room, leaving Minnie by herself once more.

She pouted at the air. What had she done for Miyeon to ignore her for two days straight?

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

oversized chinese canine

hey lucas

im sorry

why

was the sex bad

no! ugh

I coerced you

no, I could have said no

would you have

yes

i have a backbone, you know

you just get lucky with me

alright

it won’t happen again i promise

im sorry

don’t worry qiqi

we can put it behind us

ily

Yuqi put her phone down in contemplation. The only part that was wrong about the previous night was that it was Lucas under her. Everything else felt right. For once, her leader hadn’t been on her mind. For once she could feel something else- more liberating, more promising.

She knew what she needed, but Lucas couldn’t be the answer anymore.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Soyeon pulled her stiff body out of bed for the first time in a day, eyes locking onto the same picture by the mirror that she just didn’t have the heart to get rid of.

She loved Yuqi. If there was a word stronger than that, she’d use it to no end. She loved everything they had.

Their late night cuddles whilst watching her favourite anime. Their quiet, peaceful moments where they would relax with each other without saying a word. Those times when they were too tired to think, but still gave each other what they needed.

She sighed. Maybe she wasn’t missing Yuqi. Maybe she was missing everything that came with it. It couldn’t be too hard to find someone to make up for it, right?

She’d lost her dignity a while ago, according to herself and clearly the woman she couldn’t stop thinking about. Maybe it was the way to go after all.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Yeh Shuhua

unnie

can we see each other soon!

it's been a while and i miss uuu

qiqiqiqi

sorry busy

with what??

i wanna join!

unnie? why are you ignoring me??

did i do something wrong??

unnie?

unnie?????

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Yeh Shuhua

unnieeeee

can we meet

i know i don’t usually ask but i miss being around everyone

it’s Christmas!

captain sso umma

sorry shu, i'm preoccupied

I don’t celebrate Christmas

ask Miyeon to join you

oh… okay

why are you busy?

personal stuff

comeback

look after yourself baby

i will

thanks unnie

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“It’s the eighth of October. She visited on the third, and hasn’t been by since. What did I do wrong?”

8^th October 2022

Jimin gulped. In all honesty, she didn’t know either.

“What happened in your last interaction?” she began, Minnie pacing backwards and forwards in stress.

“She told me to get it together and I said that I was doing better. And then- and then she left.”

“There must be more to it,” she gave her a knowing glance.

Minnie sighed. “Maybe I pissed her off. She threatened to tell Soyeon about all of this. I told her she couldn’t. I know she can’t. She knows it’s the wrong thing to do.”

“But does she really?”

Minnie looked at her, pain visible in her eyes. “Of course she does.”

Chapter 9: after asking you about love,

Chapter Text

Yuqi woke up slowly, immediately being hit by a wave of pain and aches from across her body. She cursed under her voice, trying to move her body to a more comfortable position, before hitting against a warm figure beside her. She was taken aback, feeling her voice choked up in the back of her throat as she wanted to scream in shock, but as memories of the previous night came to her, she backed down, wincing in pain.

“Hey,” the man beside her mumbled. “Ready for round three?”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“You’re a nice girl, Shuhua,” Oscar avoided eye contact in shyness, staring at the ground.

Shuhua smiled broadly. “You are too. You were a pleasant surprise, especially after the men I’ve encountered here. They’re all so misogynistic, and rude. Thank you for being different.” She looked down towards their hands, swinging beside them, yet keeping apart. She’d noticed before that he was avoiding any physical touch, perhaps as a way of respecting her boundaries. She took his hand in hers, squeezing it. “Thanks.”

He looked up, nodding. “Look, I’ve… I haven’t dated much, before. I didn’t grow up around girls. I’m not well-versed with… you know… being romantic. I hope it’s enough for you.”

“Oppa, I’ve seen enough in my career. You’re more than enough,” she consoled with a gentle squeeze.

“Your mother said you’ve never dated before.”

“I have, but I didn’t tell her,” she sighed. “She’s quite controlling, in that sense. My older sister was stuck with a man she didn’t know, but our mother forced her to be with him, and eventually marry him. She rebelled,” she laughed. “She’s my inspiration when it comes to voicing things that aren’t right. It’s taking me some time to find my own voice, but it’ll come soon.”

He smiled. “I wish I had siblings like that. Not only did I live everything the first time over, but it was also my parents’ first experience of raising a child.”

“Right? Maybe we should cut them some slack…”

“Does any of your members know about us?” he asked.

“No. Not- a-actually… yes, yes I think so… Our oldest member. Miyeon-unnie knows.”

“What did you tell her?”

She shrugged. “That I was seeing you, and stuff,” she rambled. “Nothing much.”

“Did she mind?”

“Well, she asked me why, since I was already, you know, in a relationship. But when I explained everything to her, it made sense.”

“Right,” he nodded.

She looked up at the sky. “I’m sorry, but I think I should head home now. It’s getting dark.”

“Oh, okay… text me when you reach home.”

She smiled. “You do too,” she dropped his hand reluctantly. “We’ll see each other soon, right?”

“Of course,” he beamed. “Goodnight, Shu.”

“Night Oscar.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

9^th December 2022

Minami stared at the glass wall in fear. Maybe it was her turn to seek therapy after what she’d just experienced.

The twelve were back in the meeting room for, well, a meeting. A meeting about boring things. Stocks. Statistics. Performances to end the year. The annual shit no one (except for maybe Soyeon a couple of years ago) truly paid attention to.

It was supposed to run smoothly. Soyeon and Siyu read a few scripts and complete a couple of PowerPoints, and Yuqi and Kimi take notes for the group and managers respectively- notably Yuqi’s first time in this position, since Soojin was the only other person in the group who had their leader’s back during these meetings of torture.

It started calmly. Soyeon put forward a few ideas for stage concepts, and everyone did a blind vote. Then Siyu talked about how the company was now in debt after the ‘Tomboy’ music video, and everything went downhill from there.

“What’s happening?” Shuhua tugged on Yuqi’s sleeve, who was barely awake and ignoring anything the maknae said. Shuhua sat back with her arms folded, each and every word going through one ear and out of the other.

“Soyeon, you’re going to make the company bankrupt!” Siyu shouted.

“So? No one else had any plans to pull it together and construct the video themselves, did they?!” she shouted back mid presentation, slamming her laptop closed. “I’m sick of the criticism! I know I’m right. I’ve been right since ‘DUMDi DUMDi’. I’ve been right since ‘Latata’. I’ve been right before I even joined this damn company!”

“Unnie, that’s still a lot of money,” Shuhua piped up, immediately regretting it when Soyeon glared back down at her.

“You of all people have no right to be saying anything,” she snapped. “You all should stop complaining. I do a lot for the company as it is.”

“I have no right? I’m part of this group too!”

“Don’t worry, Shu. No one’s in this group but her,” Yuqi spat.

Soyeon ignored her. “We’re pulling ourselves together. People stopped liking us when we became a five. We’re supposed to prove them wrong.”

“Spending $100,000 isn’t the answer,” Minami sighed. “How did no one stop you?!”

“I paid for most of it!”

“No you didn’t. If you did, we wouldn’t be going under right now!”

“You’re all exaggerating.”

“We’re not!” Kimi stood up.

“Pull yourself together, unnie! ‘Hwaa’ did well! We didn’t spend that much money on it!”

“You wouldn’t know, Shu,” Soyeon side eyed her. Shuhua felt her blood boil.

Miyeon wanted to cry. Just looking around the room, everyone seemed to be at each other’s necks. The final three members of the group were arguing, and on top of that, the managers were unnecessarily coming down hard on their leader, who was only doing what was best for the group.

She sighed. Amidst all of this, they hadn’t realised one member was missing. But Minnie wouldn’t have wanted to hear any of this anyway.

The arguing continued. Soyeon defended herself against the rest of the room. Yuqi was on her phone, not involved in the discussion. Shuhua and Soyeon kept going back and forth, Soyeon saying some things she definitely shouldn’t have said. The managers soon backed down at Soyeon’s exhaustion, Shuhua hurt enough to storm out of the room without anything left to say.

What a productive meeting.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Later that evening, Soyeon walked into a bar nervously, looking around at the kind of people she was about to deal with. They were all young, boy and girls both talking to each other in every corner.

She gulped, about to leave out of pure trepidation, but a man behind her stopped her from reaching the door.

“Why are you here?”

“I don’t know. I’ll leave. I’m sorry.”

“No, you know why you’re here. You googled this place.”

She took a step back, licking her lips as she tried to formulate a response. “I promise. This isn’t what I was looking for.”

“Yet you came down four flights of stairs, passing one whorehouse and two illegal dealing bases?”

She couldn’t lie anymore.

“What do you do for a living? What is all this called?” she asked curiously.

“More like, what are you looking for?” the man leaned forwards to match her height. “What do you want to do? Then we’ll know what we can call it.”

She looked around, some women already stripping around her. She shook her head. This was awful. Disgusting. He was right.

Why was she here?

“Are they prostitutes? Is this a normal bar?”

“This is linked to the brothel above. That’s why I know you’re not just here for a drink.”

She parted her lips, breathing heavily. “As in, strippers?” she continued. “O-or… porn stars?”

“It depends on what you want to do,” he repeated patiently.

“Are they paid? Is this a job district?”

“You don’t have to be paid. You can do it for yourself.”

She narrowed her eyes, an obscene moan from behind her catching her off guard. She knew better than to turn around.

“Really?”

“Many people do.”

She folded her arms across her body. “This is scary… I don’t like this,” she mumbled.

The man watched her closely, before leading her out of the room. “Calm down. They’re here for sex, not to beat you up,” he joked. “It’s overwhelming for a lot of people, especially younger people who are getting started in the industry…” he paused. “You’re not above twenty one, are you? You’re barely legal?”

She raised her eyebrows. “Wh-what? No, I’m twenty five.”

“Oh,” he frowned. “You look young for your age.” She shook her head, looking back inside. “You’re curious.”

“Do they…” she turned back to him. “Do they just strip? Or is it really… sexual…?” she asked quietly.

“Again, it’s whatever you want to do. You don’t even need to be here. Many work from home.”

“From home? O-oh, like calling?”

“Not just. They invite people to their homes. Some people want privacy.”

Why am I here?

“I’m interested,” she admitted against her will. “I need to take my mind off my career, and the people around me. Is that usually the way people get into this?”

“I’ve seen people leave and lose their jobs,” he walked behind her to a different room. She felt her heart sink. Was she really putting the group in jeopardy for this?

“Lose their jobs? Really?”

“A side hustle where you don’t file taxes? Of course.”

“But what if no money is involved?”

He turned back around to her. “What are you getting out of this?”

“Clarity. A- a way to move on.”

He stared at her. She wasn’t the normal type to be seen in places as such. Quiet, pretty, small and self-conscious.

“Does it hurt?”

“What?” he pulled out a few sheets of paper.

“Lying about while people… do you?” she spoke blankly.

“It depends. You have a good marketability. You could earn a fortune.”

“Why me?”

“Look in the mirror,” he pointed at the door behind her. She stared at herself in confusion. “Look at the women in there. Do you see a difference?”

She hesitated. “I- I guess I do…” she realised, the juxtaposition between her innocent self and the action within the bar being almost comedic to her. “Do men care? A-about… the women they… do it with?”

He sighed. “We have a policy where you can file for rape if they breach your personal boundaries, but you need to be careful that you don’t mistake it for simple rough sex, or you could face a penalty for the false alarm,” he warned.

She cracked her knuckles in anxiety. “I’ve been raped before… would they care?” she asked, her voice dangerously low.

He froze, turning to her slowly. “Miss,” he began, in a gentler tone. “Tell me: why are you here? This isn’t the place for people like you.”

“I don’t know how else to move on,” she admitted. “Please?”

“Are you drunk?”

“No! I- I’ve just come back from work… I haven’t drunk all day.”

“What’s your occupation?” he began to fill out the form.

She gulped. “Idol…”

He groaned. “Woman, please.”

“No, no, I want this… I want this. P-please?”

He stared at her again. “Yes, you’re a familiar face,” he mumbled. “Name?”

“Jeon Soyeon.”

“There we go.”

“What do I do? Just go home and wait for people to come?”

“Since you’re a celebrity, I guess we’ll need to go about this in a different way. You have a familiar face, so you should wear a mask,” he explained. “Essentially they pick from a menu. There’re both men and women… although not many women are clients here. I send you a text to expect someone within forty five minutes. If you get busy, I formulate a schedule for you, or a waiting list.”

“How popular can one be? How many people would I be meeting in a day?”

“It depends. Anywhere between zero and eight, to be honest.”

“Eight…?”

“Look, you seem quite young and new to all of this, so to protect you, I’ll limit it to three per day at most,” he gave in. “If you don’t want the money, I’ll take it. I can also up the price on you too.”

“P-price?”

“The most important thing is to look after yourself when it isn’t happening,” he ignored. “When do you want this all to start?”

“Tonight, if possible.”

He gave her the form. “Put your address and phone number, and we can get started.”

She looked at it, fear in her eyes, before making the final decision to scribble her signature at the bottom.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Dear Soyeon,

I can’t believe I’m doing this. Ever since I read Soyeon’s diary, I have to carry on the legacy, right?

I hate to admit it, but while I’m the angriest with her that I’ve ever been with anyone, I still miss her. I don’t like being in bed on my own, or sleeping without her cuddling me. I miss not being able to kiss her when I’m bored, and go out with her. I miss her warmth, and her voice, and the way she looked at me like she loved nobody else in the world.

I really, really miss her. But I can’t forgive her for what she said.

Normally when I’m flustered, my mind gravitates towards, well, sex. It looks horrific as I’m writing it down. I googled it, and apparently it’s natural, but definitely not in the way I’ve gone about it.

I got with Lucas again- my ex boyfriend from last year. I feel bad, but he says it’s okay. I won’t do it again. I’m just ruining his chances of finding love. Now it’s just finding men to deal with. The first session was okay. I’m realising that I don’t need to be on a personal level with anyone to sleep with them, even though it’s ideal.

I’m on my fourth now. I’m getting tired already. Some men are rough; some are pathetic. Most importantly, my plan is failing. I’m thinking about her even more. She’d be so ashamed if she found out I was doing this, but hey, at least I’m not getting paid, otherwise I’d be in really big trouble.

Aside from at work, I haven’t heard much about her. I hope she’s okay, and healthy. I hope she’s safe. There’s only so much her little heart can take. I would put everything we have between each other right now aside to see her again if she was in trouble.

I know she didn’t mean what she said… but, if she thought about it, then it must have come from somewhere.

My ray of sunshine, stay well.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Soyeon gulped, lying on her bed nervously, heart pounding. The man was in front of her, smiling greedily, removing his clothes faster than she could comprehend.

“P-please don’t hurt me,” she begged as he grabbed her legs. “W-wait… p-please don’t be rough. I- I’m new to all this.”

“So we need to train you,” the man smirked, touching her proudly.

She gasped, instantly feeling herself slip into an environment she last found herself in the previous year, on a certain date in March in a special alley beside her old apartment block.

“I’ve been raped before. P-please be understanding.”

“Raped, hm? I’m sure he was just rough on you. Well, I like it rough.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

10^th December 2022

“And what’s this?” Shuhua looked at the bright pink piece of A3 card that her younger sister handed to her proudly.

“A poster for why me and Yejin should meet up again,” she grinned.

Her jaw dropped. “I- ugh. You’re kidding.”

“I’m not! Please?! I don’t understand why you won’t let us meet-“

“I cannot be seen with Soojin.”

“She’s not a bad person! She’s quite nice actually. I stayed over at hers once when Yejin was away, and she still looked after me! She consoled me when I had a nightmare about being sent back to Taiwan!”

“Aish… it’s not that bad you know. I kind of, you know, grew up there,” she rolled her eyes, Meiling refusing to laugh at the sarcasm.

“I want to see Yejin.”

Shuhua squeezed her eyes shut. “You’re such a pain in the ass, man… Fine… fine, fine! Fine, you guys can meet.”

“Can’t we meet without you? You guys kill the vibe.”

Shuhua pursed her lips. “No, you can’t.”

“Why not?!”

“I don’t trust you two to be okay by yourselves without doing something stupid in front of everyone and then wondering why you’re getting hate-crimed!”

She grumbled. “Fine. As long as I can see her.”

“If we do, you’ll have to keep quiet about it, okay?” she warned.

“Fine! Just make it happen,” she whined, Shuhua already feeling herself nearing a headache.

“Go and text her then.”

“Why? You don’t talk to Soojin anymore?”

“It’s Soojin-unnie to you, and no, I don’t. If you want to meet, find the date and the location and give me all the details, okay?”

Meiling groaned, running out of the room.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Soyeon woke up, shaking in fear. Maybe it wasn’t fear, though, since her whole body was still trembling, and she was still hyperventilating. She’d discarded the mask in the middle of the night and curled up into a ball for warmth as she was too tired to find a blanket, or get under the covers of her bed.

She could still feel his hands on her, pushing her backwards and forwards. Granted, he wasn’t as rough as she’d expected. In fact, a sliver of hope made her think that maybe he did listen to her after all.

It didn’t feel good. No, no it felt awful. Disgusting. Terrible. She wanted to throw up.

But she felt the absence of something she hadn’t in a long time. A pain of missing someone… did she really feel it? She remembered experiencing the heartache, but not what the heartache was for.

Maybe it had worked. Maybe the method really had worked.

She sat up, feeling an ache in her legs after they were pulled up in an uncomfortable position for hours. She felt a light, feathery sensation against her abdomen, looking down to find ten ₩50000 notes in her lap.

She hadn't asked for money, had she?

Her phone buzzed from beside her. A notification from the man who got her into all of this:

Unknown number

You did well, Jeon Soyeon. The client
from last night left me a ₩ 61,6000 tip
last night, doubling my income. He
claims he left you ₩50,0000 in cash as
well. If this is how it’s going, I’ll increase
the price on your services. I know you
didn’t ask for the money, but the tip
he gave me should belong to you. I’ll
keep it though, as you signed against
an income, but keep what he left you.

You may need to spend some money
on your own health. Your next client
should be arriving soon, so get ready.

Clean yourself up, and change your
sheets if you need to. He is in no rush,
he claims, so take your time sorting
your head out. This client has been
with me for years now. If he hurts you,
tell him, but I can’t make you any
promises. Keep paracetamol at hand
for when you’re done.

Her heart sank. Paracetamol? It couldn’t be that bad, could it?

The doorbell rang.

Chapter 10: i sleep comfortably.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Miyeon sat in the waiting room, idly swiping on her phone, not noticing the pair of eyes locked on her from the corner.

“Miyeon-ssi, why aren’t you in the ward with Minnie?” she heard a familiar voice near her. She looked up, Jimin leaning forward in confusion.

She sighed. “I don’t want to see her, but I’m here in case anything happens. In case she really, really needs me.”

“Did you argue?”

“She’s just… being immature. I’m sick of this thing about her keeping the fact that she’s in hospital away from Soyeon and the company. They’re going to have to know, and if I can’t convince her now, she could get into trouble! I don’t want that for her.”

“I know,” she nodded, moving to sit beside her. “Respect her wishes. She may be waiting to feel comfortable in speaking about it. It’s tough to talk about. Things like this aren’t healthy, of course, but talking about it could give the other members ideas, especially after the pressure placed upon all of you to stay thin. She also wants to protect the younger ones by shielding them from her own pain.”

“It’s stupid!”

“It’s a natural, motherly instinct,” she chuckled. “You'll understand some day. It's not unbelievable that she's protective over them, especially since they're younger than you both. She loves those girls. She would never want to hurt them or the group at all.”

“But Soyeon can look after her. Soyeon knows what’s best-“

“You’re placing a lot of pressure on her. She’s only human,” she reminded. “I know you’re struggling to trust Minnie, but in the end, it is her choice if she wants to tell other people. It’s not concerning the company as of yet, so you can’t force her to do anything against her will."

Miyeon sighed. “I need time to think, sorry.”

“Of course, but remember that Minnie’s waiting for you. She misses you dearly.”

Miyeon shrugged, going back to her phone dismissively.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“I miss the members,” Minnie mumbled, picking at her Gigi.

The nurse nodded. “Of course. But you don’t want Soyeon or Shuhua around.”

“Yeah… I don’t want them here. Miyeon doesn’t like me right now, clearly. I wonder where Yuqi goes.”

“She’ll come soon. Call her,” she suggested.

Minnie puffed her cheeks up as she thought about it, before shaking her head. “It’s okay… unnie, I think I’ll go back to sleep now.”

“Alright,” she chuckled, leaving her alone in peace.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Shuhua and Oscar were in the middle of their third date, in which they were walking the streets of Seoul idly together, holding hands between them. It was the most physical touch they’d encountered between themselves since they met, but somehow, it felt more intimate than anything else.

“It’s getting late. Would you like to come back to my place for a drink? You could spend the night,” Oscar offered, pulling out of the clasp.

She hesitated. “I- I’m… Could you come to mine instead?” she offered sheepishly, hurriedly making up an excuse for her lack of confidence, but he agreed without a question.

“Sure… if that’s okay with you. I won’t stay too long if you don’t want me to.”

“It’s okay. It’s nice to have company… although, I do have four dogs.”

“Four?!” he turned to her in surprise. “It must be hard work. I didn’t have pets growing up.”

“Neither did I. When I first debuted, I was lonely. I wasn’t good at making friends. I asked the director of the company if I was allowed a dog in our company flat, and to my surprise, he adopted one for me himself. That’s the one kind thing he did for me personally. I may dislike him, but I’ll always be grateful for him.”

“I live alone. Maybe a pet would be nice,” he nodded at the option.

“We should head back. It’s getting dark, and- and- and…”

“Yeah, you’re right. I don’t want to run into any dealers,” he joked.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Soyeon groaned in pain, body succumbing to the abuse of the man above her. The space near her face was stained wet from tears as she shoved himself repetitively inside and out. She could barely breathe, feeling herself in the middle of a panic attack as she gasped for air, coughing and spluttering as she did her best to stay alive.

She can’t stop now. It’s working.

A sharp pain erupted from her upper thigh- the feeling of a smack making the area around her skin hot as it flushed red. She froze up, the hits becoming repetitive, the man above her moaning and groaning, before she felt a hot liquid enter her.

He let go of his vice grip around her legs, that were now shaking in fear as he clothed himself and left the room.

She turned her hear towards the mirror, noticing the red hand marks on her thigh and around her neck, left arm outstretching to her bedside table, where a bottle of whisky and a couple of paracetamol tablets lay.

It’s all worth it in the end.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Shuhua,” he asked quietly. “Do you… Did you have any negative experiences with anyone before? You seem closed off, and I was wondering if you were apprehensive about something.”

She placed the wine glass down. “I’m sorry. I’ll be better-“

“No! No… I just want to help you. I want you to be comfortable around me…”

She sighed. “My closest unnie was assaulted a few years ago. I was still quite young- and also had no experience of being in a relationship. It scared me. I was in a lesbian relationship before this… I know, I lied. But it means that you’re the first man I’ve seen, ever. It’s not you. It’s just… my instincts.”

“You should always listen to them-“

“Not like this,” she remained defiant. “I want to move forward from it.”

“Had I been more experienced, I’d know what to do,” he laughed at his awkwardness. “I’m happy that you realise not all men are like that. Were they arrested?”

“Of course. She’s safe now… I guess. No, I know. My father wouldn’t dream of doing anything like that.”

“I know… I’m sorry about your friend. She must have been young too.”

“No matter what age…” she trailed off. “You aren’t angry with me? That I didn’t tell you?”

“It doesn’t affect me, really, does it?” he smiled, lying down beside her on the bed, as she placed the empty glass down on the table beside her, slipping onto her back as well.

“Thank you. My parents didn’t know I was even in a relationship, which is why you were never told."

She gazed at him tiredly, Oscar watching her back, hand stroking her arm.

“Oppa,” she smiled. “Come.”

He moved closer to her, Shuhua shuffling against him, tucking her head against his chest as she flicked off the light. “Comfortable?”

“More than,” she whispered. “Thank you for being patient with me. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to do this after the… incident.”

“Take your time,” he placed his hand against her back, gently stroking it back and forth. “I’ll never rush you to do anything. I promise.”

He heard a soft groan in response, and a small hand wrap around three of his fingers in between them. “Goodnight oppa.”

“Night,” he smiled against her soft hair, both shutting their eyes finally.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Jimin groaned in annoyance, pulling herself out of bed lethargically and making her way blindly to the front door, wincing the incessant progressive banging against it. She turned the key and swung it open, a familiar face diving for her safety over the door frame desperately, heaving against her shoulder.

She lifted her up, slamming the door behind her to lock it as she carried her back upstairs to her bedroom, removing her shoes and then coat.

“Soyeon-ah, what were you doing outside?” Jimin sighed in defeat, Soyeon herself whining desperately, lying on the bed. After she was freed of her outerwear, she scrambled up to lie beside her, grabbing onto her arm. “It’s two in the morning and wreak of alcohol!” she reprimanded.

Soyeon tried to talk, but her tongue was moving in all sorts of very unhelpful directions.

“Alright,” Jimin mumbled, Soyeon flopping over her, trembling slightly, trying to hide in the fabric of her pyjamas. “Sleep, aegi,” she kissed her forehead, noticing the nonstop shaking of the younger woman, perhaps in fear. “No one’s out to get you. You’re safe here,” she consoled with a sympathetic tone, cupping her waist in her hands as Soyeon finally calmed down.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Hearing footsteps enter her ward, Minnie perked up, rolling over and opening her eyes in curiosity.

“Miyeon!” she sat up in delight, Miyeon walking straight towards her to bend and wrap her arms around her. “Where did you go?” she pouted.

Miyeon kissed her lips over and over, cupping her flushed cheeks as she could feel the younger vibrate with happiness. Minnie moved to the side, encouraging her to lie down beside her. “I’m sorry. I was being selfish,” she kissed her forehead, Minnie gazing at her gratefully.

“I love you,” she reminded. “Thank you for coming back for me."

“You shouldn’t need to,” she clicked her tongue. “Your nurse told me you were missing everyone. I’m sorry, jagiya.” She threaded her fingers through her golden hair. “Yuqi’s locked herself away from everyone as far as I know. I don’t think she even knows that you’re here.”

“I see,” she nodded, unphased. “I’m okay. You’re here.”

Miyeon beamed, kissing her again. “I won’t leave you again, aegiya. I promise.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Yuqi moaned, hooded eyes watching the movement above her, as the man she’d met possibly less than an hour ago thrust himself inside her relentlessly. His hand was gripped onto her waist, his other hand around her neck, fingertip locked against her teeth, as she bit down on it each time he hit her spot. Her ankles were locked behind him, shoving him back inside every time he left.

She smiled, the hand around her waist moving to roll her nipples, the man clearly enjoying the sound of her moans and whines of ecstasy.

Soft hands… just like Soyeon’s.

Fuck. It wasn’t working, was it?

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

11^th December 2022

Jimin rolled over, remembering the presence of her ex-patient as she buried her face in a mass of blonde hair, knowing that it was clearly none of her own. She woke up with a start, peering over to see her face, which was blotchy, red from tears.

“Soyeon-ah,” she winced at her groggy voice, lying back down and placing her arm around her. Soyeon turned over sniffling, moving back into her arms.

“I’m sorry,” she sobbed loudly. Jimin winced even more.

“Soyeon-ah, what happened? I’ve never seen you so upset-“

“I don’t know!” she wailed. Jimin sighed, sitting up, and encouraging her to do the same.

“Breathe,” she instructed calmly, remembering her therapist training despite the early hours of the morning. “Where’s Yuqi? Why didn’t you go to her?”

Soyeon stared at her. “U-uh…”

Jimin gave her a look. “Soyeon…? What did you do with her…?”

“U-uh…”

“I thought you spent time with her,” she frowned.

“But she’s… not… here… anymore.”

“Oh my.” She raised her eyebrows. “Where did you put her?”

“Wha- I- I didn’t! We broke up!”

“Oh…” she realised, lying back down. “I thought it was really serious,” she mumbled. “Seriously? All of this over a break up? Having said that, I feel a little crestfallen too. I worked quite hard on your relationship. I guess it wasn’t meant to be.”

“No, no you don’t understand,” she sobbed. “H-her parents didn’t accept us, so we had to!”

Jimin clenched her teeth, remembering her own situation with Minami- having to keep it cool on the face, but internally crashing out.

“Maybe they needed time to accept it.”

“No. They gave her an ultimatum. Essentially, them or her job.”

“And what did she pick?”

“She wanted to pick her job, but I couldn’t let her do that. I’m not good enough for her to give up her whole family for.”

Jimin nodded, pulling her down. “Go back to sleep. We can talk later,” she mumbled, Soyeon finding comfort against her collarbone.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Shuhua mumbled in her sleep, hands clenching the fabric in front of her, supposedly the second pillow that mysteriously always turned ninety degrees in the middle of the night. But this time it was firmer, and warmer. The smell was familiar- warm and comforting, and as she slowly woke up, she recognised the firmth* of the pressure on her back.

She opened her eyes, staring at her hands that were resting against his chest, and the feeling of her knee wedged in between his. His arms held her in close, her forehead now lying against his neck.

“He stayed,” she mumbled, hand reaching up to stroke his face while she watched him sleep, a subtle smile emerging on his face. She hadn’t felt this feeling in a long time, and she knew it was getting bigger.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Kaachan,” Minami hummed, striding through Jimin’s front door- surprised when she didn’t hear her respond. “Umma? Umma?”

She groaned, kicking her shoes off (ignoring the unfamiliar pair in the corner), and striding up the stairs.

“Mother, your child awaits with blueberry muffins… Dude… Umma?!”

Opening the bedroom door in confusion, she halted before she could enter, her mother lying beside an unusually small figure, who was rolling about in her sleep.

“Soyeon?” she frowned, about to enter, but as she stirred awake, Minami panicked, closing the door and running back down the corridor.

She placed the box of muffins on the kitchen counter, heaving after sprinting down the stairs, mind in all states of confusion.

“My mum’s… sleeping with my colleague??!”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Yeh Shuhua

unnie you’ll never guess it

there’s this guy, and i really, really
like him

i think…

no i don’t want to jinx my chances
but

i really like him

i wish you could meet him and
tell me your opinion too.

you've been distant recently

yuqi please

did i do something wrong? did any
of us? we figured that you and

Soyeon broke up after coming back
but what happened?

okay I’ll stop texting you then.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Yuqi groaned, feeling herself coming back to her senses. Opening and closing her eyes forcefully to waken herself, she was suddenly hit by a sharp pain from her crotch, making her wince and roll onto her front clumsily.

“Shit,” she grumbled as the pain subsided, pulling herself out of bed to stare at herself in the mirror, feeling repulsed by the sight of herself. She watched herself up and down, barely able to stare herself in the high without shivering at the thought of the events that took place the day before… and then day before that.

An alarm made her head whip around. Another man?

She collapsed onto the bed, counting it out in her head.

“One… two… three men… in one day,” she spelled out, her eyebrows knitting with horror. “Holy fuck, this isn’t good.”

She ran her fingers through her soft orange hair, curling up in a ball in the middle of the bed.

“What am I doing?”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Shuhua’s hand was tightly clasped by her sister’s, who dragged her eagerly down the path towards the playground.

“Do you see her anywhere?!” she paused, darting her head around the area in excitement. “Where is she?! She said she’s here already!”

Shuhua gulped, looking down at her sister, who was staring back at her in confusion. “Calm down,” she laughed at her expression, a hand brushing against her back as she encouraged her forwards.

Meiling jumped at the familiar sight as her eyes landed on her girlfriend. She sprinted towards her, Yejin doing the same, as they attacked each other in the middle of the snow covered field, collapsing on their backs.

“Snowball!”

“Yej-tiao!”

Shuhua watched almost longingly at the pair, as they rolled around in each other’s arms, sharing quick pecks after looking around for safety.

Pulling her eyeline up, the woman she was dreading to face herself with was standing only a few feet away from her, hands buried in her pockets, staring at the adorable scene between them.

“It’s cute,” she smiled, standing beside her ex-girlfriend. “Do you ever look at them and see ourselves?”

Shuhua couldn’t help a giggle at the thought. “Mei’s too much of a klutz to represent me, come on,” she joked, Soojin laughing under her breath. They moved to sit on the bench near the field, listening to their sister’s excited screams.

Shuhua opened and closed her mouth. What was there to say? They had a comeback, and it was good. That was all, really, right? She pulled out her phone, scrolling through her social media apps awkwardly. Occasionally she looked up, noticing that Soojin was always keeping an eye on the younger pair, not bothered by her antisocial behaviour.

She felt bad. This was the first time in months that she’d seen the girl whom she’d pined over for years. The girl who was her best friend from the moment she even landed in Korea. She felt so grown up since the recent comebacks, but something about revisiting her ex, and the past memories that came with it, knocked down her personal confidence.

Soojin didn’t mind Shuhua’s quietness. She figured the girl had a lot on her mind. She knew she wasn’t supposed to see her at all, and was probably considering the wrath of her leader. Her own former leader. Soyeon was doing a good job at keeping her request, clearly.

Her fingers moved down to fiddle with her ring on her left hand, that was wedged under her glove.

“So, how are you?” she broke the silence. Shuhua switched her phone off. “I always knew you’d be beautiful blonde.”

She smiled at the compliment. “I’m fine. We just finished promotions, so I’ve been resting,” she admitted. “You heard our song. ‘Nxde’,” a knowing smile appearing on her face. “We all miss you. I don’t even need to repeat it. You had to be in the comeback somehow.”

“I’ll always admire you for managing to fit me in your concepts in some weird way,” she acknowledged. “I didn’t see the Marilyn Monroe theme coming from miles away, to be honest.”

“Jeon Soyeon,” she shrugged, Soojin agreeing.

“How is she?”

Shuhua shrugged. “I guess everyone’s fine,” she mumbled. “I haven’t heard much from Yuqi, and I haven’t been in touch with Miyeon. Soyeon and I argued a few days ago.”

“What over?”

“She’s put the company in a bad position in terms of the amount she splurges on our music videos. I think she needs to be considerate of others involved, and she thought I didn’t have the right to say anything in the first place.” Soojin nodded. “I guess she’s right, but her actions were still wrong,” she reasoned. “It’s fine. We can move past it, I guess.”

“Minnie?”

She pursed her lips. “She’s… okay…? She’s still recovering. Miyeon’s probably with her.”

“They’re still together, I hope?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know.”

Soojin frowned at the maknae’s cluelessness. “You work with them. Have you not spoken in a while?”

Shuhua blushed. “I- It’s just- they’re probably just busy,” she gave an excuse. “I know Yuqi and Soyeon broke it off, though.”

“Really? They were so strong.”

“I know. It’s malicious, but I can’t think of why they split.”

Shuhua sat back, turning her attention back to her phone, leaving Soojin in a state of both shock and confusion.

The group had taken a massive turn since her departure, clearly. And Shuhua not knowing the whereabouts of her members? That was unlike her to say the least.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Dude, something’s up,” Minami paced the meeting room, head in hands.

Kimachi watched her walk up and down. “There really isn’t. You’re forgetting how close they’ve become. Soyeon sees her like her parent too!”

“That’s not fair! I would like to have my own mother, if that’s not too much to ask.”

“Jimin does her job really well. Seriously. Soyeon drove to her, not her parents’.”

“But if I drunk drove to one of my parents, I wouldn’t be alive right now. She was using her rebellious teen tactics, I’m sure.” Minami dropped onto the blue chair. “I know I’m being silly. My umma’s not like that, but I just… I don’t know. It was weird, that’s all. I hope Soyeon’s okay.”

“She and Yuqi broke up,” Kimachi cleared her throat. “Money please-“

“No, no, what?!” Minami stood up again.

“This isn’t ‘sit down stand up’. Pick one, and do it.”

“No, Kim, what did you say?! They broke up?!”

“Yuqi’s parents hated the idea. Soyeon hated that they hated the idea. Soyeon made them break up and Yuqi was pissed off, and they both said things they shouldn’t have.”

Her jaw dropped. “Who told you?!”

“Soyeon. Duh.”

“And you didn’t tell me?!”

“I didn’t think I needed to!” she defended. “It’s okay. You know now.”

“I swear to god, Kimachi,” she gritted her teeth. “You’re on thin ice.”

“Why?!”

“You didn’t think to tell me?”

Kimachi paused. “Money plea-“

“No.”

Notes:

*firmth is not a word but it should be.

Chapter 11: here and there,

Chapter Text

“Nabi,” Miyeon kissed Minnie’s collar bone, who was revelling in the feeling of lying in her own bed after weeks of being in the hospital.

“That’s a new one,” Minnie giggled, her golden hair frayed out over her pillow. Miyeon sat over her, undressing her slowly. “I missed this,” she admitted. “There’s not a lot of privacy in those wards. Or warmth. And the bed is very uncomfortable.”

“Don’t they allow you to walk around? You don’t have to be in bed all day.”

“I don’t have much motivation to be anywhere else,” she gasped as Miyeon unclasped her bra, revealing her chest. “I’m going to be all over the place,” she warned. “It’s been way too long since we’ve done this.”

Miyeon smiled. “Do you want me to undress you completely?” she enquired, pausing to kiss her cheek. Minnie nodded, moving her hands to cup Miyeon’s midriff.

“I’ve been doing well,” she smiled at her progress. “I want you to see.”

She frowned in curiosity, removing the high waisted skirt and jeans underneath, leaving Minnie almost bare. Miyeon leaned down, taking each nipple in hers and sucking it gently, swirling her tongue around the tips.

Minnie moaned lightly, pulling her up and taking her hand to rest it on her stomach. “See?”

Miyeon looked down, understanding what Minnie had meant, yet biting her tongue from saying anything like she did before. “You’re beautiful,” she whispered after much thought, kissing above her navel.

“Honestly, I was scared to lose these,” her hands moved up to her breasts. “I didn’t like the sound of being too flat,” she giggled. Miyeon lightly nibbled at the skin over her stomach, making her back arch up. “Miyeonnie,” she stroked the back of her head, who pulled away with a warm loving gaze adorning her face. “I’m hot,” she pouted.

“Jagiya, I can’t let you catch a cold if I turn the fan on,” she stroked her cheek. “Come on, now. Help me with this.” She stood up, arms in place to roll down her underwear.

“I’m sorry. It’s not going to be well-kempt down there,” she frowned. “I- I showered just now, I promise. I haven’t had any motivation to shave anything.”

“Jagi, it’s okay,” Miyeon kissed her knees that were folded upwards, revealing her to the cold air.

“It’s not…” she mumbled. “My legs are annoyingly itchy when they’re next to each other, and I’m not going to talk about the mess everywhere else.”

Miyeon opened and closed her mouth. No one taught her how to deal with this one.

“You’re not a mess,” she relaxed her knees down on the bed, opening her up. “You actually look like a woman for once, and not a pre-pubescent teenage boy.”

“Okay, harsh, but point noted,” she was taken aback.

Minnie gazed up at her girlfriend, who settled in between her legs that were spread out across the bed. “Ready?” Miyeon asked with caution, Minnie too busy admiring her beauty.

“I’m always ready,” she slurred in a daze, Miyeon slowly but surely entering a finger inside of her. Minnie gasped, a low purr sounding that she was unable to suppress. Miyeon thrust the finger in and out slowly, enjoying each sound Minnie made. “Another, another,” she begged eagerly, Miyeon slipping inside two more. “Your fingers are too slender for this!” she complained.

“Will my fist be good enough?”

Minnie stared at her blankly, Miyeon upping the pace. Her chest moved with her body as the bed shook underneath her, soft whines escaping her mouth as Miyeon concentrated all her energy into making her orgasm.

“I love you,” Minnie moaned breathlessly, hitting her high quickly and raising her legs off the bed to ride her fingers, that were deeply wedged inside of her. “I love you.”

Miyeon kissed her hard, feeling her fingers soak up her fluids. “You did so well,” she kissed her forehead, lying down beside her. “I love you too,” she replied, Minnie falling asleep with a sound smile on her face.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“What is ‘Wenhao’ to you?” Shuhua asked inquisitively, the pair sharing a takeaway pizza on the floor of Shuhua’s living room over two beers- Shuhua’s head against his shoulder. “We’re both from Taiwan, but we never speak Chinese with each other.”

He shrugged, feeding her a slice. “I’ve been in Korea for so long. ‘Oscar’ feels more natural to me. When I’m in Taiwan, I’m ‘Wenhao’.”

She nodded. “Well, I’m ‘Shuhua’,” she stated, the man beside her having to stifle a laugh.

“You’re adorable, you know?” she lifted her head to look at him as he continued. “I know, some people don’t think of it as a compliment, but there are certain aspects of your personality that just… they’re so endearing.”

“I could say the same about you,” she poked his nose, shivering slightly.

“Are you cold?”

She blinked, lifting a blanket from the sofa, passing it to Oscar to wrap her up, as she resumed her spot against his shoulder. “Being a lawyer must be tough,” she mumbled, taking a sip of the beer. “Do you do it for the money?”

“Partially.”

She scoffed. “Had I stayed in school, I wouldn’t have achieved the grades to do anything like that,” she admitted. “You’re so smart.”

“And you’re talented in other areas,” he reminded her, wrapping an arm around her. “Not everyone can be an idol, you know?”

She blushed, her heart pounding as his hand guided her closer to him. “Oppa, you’ll stay the night again, right?”

“If you want me to, of course.”

“I enjoyed last night,” she admitted. “You keep me warm.”

“Is that it?” he raised his eyebrows.

“Yeah,” she smirked. “Amongst other things.”

“Things like?”

She shook her head, shutting her eyes in peace. “Oppa,” she looked back up at him.

“Hm?”

“Did I ever tell you how attractive you look?” the words slipped out with ease, and to a certain degree, Shuhua didn’t regret the admission.

“No, you didn’t,” a genuine smile appeared on his face. “Are you compliment fishing?”

“No. I hear enough about my looks from the fans every day,” she bragged, knowing that the tease enough was not the answer she had wanted to say. After all, his response wasn’t what she’d predicted either.

“You’re beautiful, Shuhua. I guess I’m a fan of you, but my word must count more, right?”

She felt apprehensive to reply. “Do you really mean it?” she asked quietly, and genuinely. “You don’t have to say it if you don’t mean it.”

“Seriously?” he questioned, pulling away to see her face properly. “You’re not confident in your looks?”

She shrugged. “With love comes backlash, you know,” she reasoned. “Why am I pretty?”

“You’re beautiful because of the person you are. A person could fit all beauty standards, but if they’re an awful person, it taints their physical beauty. You’re the right balance of everything.”

“I love y-“ she stopped herself in the heat of the moment. “I love the way you express your thoughts,” she saved with a cringe. “You’re all of that too.”

He patted her head, making her wince. “Oh, sorry. You’re not a fan of those?”

“I don’t know. I don’t like it when people touch my head,” she flushed. “But, I’ve never truly been comfortable around anyone else other than the girls before. Even last night, when we shared a bed, I didn’t mind the closeness. In fact, I missed it when we woke up. Even sleeping beside Miyeon-unnie tended to stress me out at times,” she added, “but that was probably because she was touching my hair while she was asleep,” she shivered at the thought. “I don’t feel obligated to wear makeup around you, or dress to my best. For once, I feel like I can live without being judged. I guess that feeling doesn’t come often when you’re constantly in the public eye.”

“I’m proud that I can give it to you,” he squeezed her hand. “You can sleep on top of me tonight if you really want to.”

She grinned. “Well, I’m up for the offer,” she nodded.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Miyeon mumbled to herself, knocking on Yuqi’s door before retracting her hand back into the pockets of her fur coat. Yuqi opened the door after few seconds, scowling.

“What?”

Miyeon pushed her aside, striding in. “We need to talk,” Miyeon glared at her.

“Excuse me?” Yuqi narrowed her eyes. “Can you leave, please?” she pointed out of the door.

Miyeon scoffed. “No, Yuqi. No, I can’t,” she shut the door, standing in front of it with her arms folded. “We need to talk.”

“About?”

“What do you mean ‘about’? Can’t you tell?!”

“No!”

“You’ve pushed everyone out!” Yuqi groaned, rolling her eyes. “No, Yuqi, it’s not a joke. Minnie’s in hospital. Did you bother to visit her? Did you bother to check up on her, or even call her? Hell, did you even know?”

“Of course I knew. When isn’t she ill?” she remarked sarcastically, walking away from Miyeon.

“What is wrong with you?!” she looked around. “Everything’s all over the plac- Yuqi, are you drunk right now?”

“You came at a good time. I’m not,” she dropped on the sofa. “Miyeon, what do you want from me?”

“To care. To care about Minnie. To care about the rest of the group-“

“No, no you mean Soyeon’s group. We’re nobodies, by the way. It’s all about her now.”

Miyeon groaned, hitting her with her purse. “Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up!”

“You’re acting like you’re five,” Yuqi dead panned.

“No, Yuqi, seriously, grow the fuck up. What even happened between you two? Weren’t you obsessed with each other a few weeks ago?”

Yuqi’s mouth fell open. “We broke up two months ago.”

Miyeon froze. “What? W-what happened?”

Yuqi stared at the wall. “My parents didn’t accept us and hurt Soyeon. I guess I didn’t want her to be in that environment, but neither did she in a different light. I wanted to abandon my family for her, but she couldn’t have that, as it would somehow affect her name and reputation, and everything important to the group.”

Miyeon’s expression eased, as she backed out of the room. “Alright…” she mumbled. “Call me if you need anything,” she left quickly.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Shuhua raised her phone to her ear, the familiar voice filling the void in her heart.

“Umma,” she beamed. “O-oh… mama.”

“So, your Korean has improved, has it?”

“I guess,” she blushed. “I’m seeing Wenhao.”

“Oh!” her tone lightened. “How is he?”

“He’s nice. I like him. I just wanted to know, where did you find him? He lives in Korea now. He barely knows his Chinese.”

“Well, I met his mother. She didn’t mention him not being in Taiwan much. Maybe he prefers splitting the two worlds.”

“I guess. We speak Korean with each other, and he prefers his English name.”

“Interesting. Well, I’m happy that you’ve reached out to him. He’s a good man.”

“I can tell,” she nodded.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Soyeon-ah,” Minnie’s light, bubbly voice sounded through the room, Soyeon lying on the floor of her kitchen half awake.

“Unnie,” she did her best to sound alive. “How are you?”

“I’m good. They discharged me for a few days to see how I cope at home, and I think I’m doing fine.”

Soyeon frowned. “You’re still in hospital? I thought you got out before the comeback.”

She heard a few swear words from across the line. “I’m still here for monitoring. Since they don’t trust me after last year.”

“Right,” she remembered. “Can I visit y-“

“NO!”

“Oh, okay. But you’re at home?”

“I don’t look too good.”

“Unnie, you and I both know we’ve seen the worst of each other.”

“It’s okay, really. I’ll see you when I’m ready, I promise.”

“Well, keep resting, I guess. We’ll have our end of year shows soon.”

“I know. I’ll do fine, I think.”

“You held up during our recent promotions. You’ll be okay.”

Minnie paused. “Aegi saja… you’re not well. Are you okay?”

“H-huh? What? Unnie, I’m fine-“

“You sound weak. I guess you’ve been different since after tour. You and Yuqi broke up, right?”

“Oh… yes, we did.”

“Why?”

She sighed. “Her parents didn’t like the fact that she and I were together. They didn’t like the fact that she was dating a girl period. They blamed me for ‘converting’ her, or whatever.”

“So you broke up?”

“It was that, or she’d never be allowed to see them or her family again. Or, come back to Korea again.”

“Oh… I’m sorry to hear that. Why did you fight?”

“She didn’t like my decision. I broke us up because I don’t think I’m worth more than her family. She was going to make a very impulsive decision.”

“Good on you,” she mumbled, already feeling tired after the conversation. “I’m sorry, I need to go now. Look after yourself, lion.”

“So soon?”

“I’m not feeling too good,” she heard a cough. “Bye.”

“Bye…?”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

12^th December 2022

Busy flipping pancakes in the kitchen, Shuhua didn’t hear Oscar enter the room behind her until he had opened the fridge, causing her to jump.

“Oppa, I didn’t hear you come in,” she raised a hand to her heart in shock, before continuing the task at hand.

“Sorry Shu,” he shut it, walking over to her. “Pancakes… nice. Do you want me to start on anything?”

“It’s good,” she placed the final pancake in the basket, switching off the stove and placing the pan away to cool. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yes,” he leaned against the island behind him, watching her unwrap the apron from her waist. She turned around, raising her eyebrows as she caught him watching her with a certain gaze.

“What’s that look?” she smirked, folding the garment and placing it on the rack beside him, stepping forwards so that she was close enough to him.

“Nothing,” he shrugged with a smirk, analysing the younger girl’s facial features now that they were closer than they’d ever been. “Nothing at all.”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “Bullshit,” she whispered with a certain crispness in her voice, adding to the teasing. She stepped forward, placing her hands on either side of his against the surface.

“Oh, oh no,” he didn’t dare to lean backwards as Shuhua approached him, eyes precariously landing on her lips that were pulled into the smile. They darted back up, realising that Shuhua had noticed the quick glance. She ironically did the same, gulping as they both continued to stare each other in the eye.

But something felt different. The air around them felt cooler than it had been earlier, and suddenly everything around them stopped.

Shuhua moved in further, a voice in her head begging for her to take it back as her heart pounded at the sudden amalgamation of confusing thoughts. Oscar, in front of her, stood his ground, yet clearly had no more confidence than she did.

“I-“ she stood breathlessly, Oscar’s heavy breathing breaking some sort of silence, yet still not doing much to ease the tension. “I- Is it the right time?” she asked quietly. She knew he knew what she was referring to, and his response was more reassuring than she’d anticipated.

“I’m ready when you’re ready,” he offered calmly, leaning ever so slightly forwards.

“I’ve never done this before… not with a man.”

“You’re safe, Shuhua,” he whispered, trying to read the room. “You’re okay.”

She gently pushed herself forwards, her lips moving to meet his, melting against his warm skin. Her heart began to race as he kissed back, slowly moving to cup the back of her head with one of his hands, as the other made its way to the dip of her waist. The kiss was prolonged, before he instigated a series of short, sweet kisses, leading into another, deeper session. Shuhua gasped as her mouth opened for him, moaning easily as she felt his mouth against hers. His warm hands cradled her, the safety of the situation making her yearn for nothing else than to stay in the position for as long as she could.

She wrapped her arms around him, pulling away from the kiss and burying her face in his shoulder. No, no, she wasn’t the kind for physical contact at all, but the safety she felt from himself around her was enough to change that. Maybe she was the kind for physical touch, around those she… loved?

He held her quietly, stroking her hair comfortingly while she inhaled the smell of him, whining occasionally as she nuzzled against his skin. His hands didn’t move from where they were, least she felt uncomfortable by the sudden movement to a place she may not have been open to him exploring, and the constant consideration of her own boundaries made her heart melt at his care for her.

He kissed the top of her head, before finally wrapping his own arms around her, feeling her tighten her grip as he rocked her from side to side comfortingly. In that moment, all they needed was each other.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Soyeon-ah,

I hate myself.

No, I’m not a pathetic insecure teenage girl. Well, I was, but…

No. No, seriously. I’ve lost track of them. They just come in and out. They’re idols too. Apparently this is a whole convention I wasn’t aware of. A crime ring? I guess there’s nothing criminal happening. I don’t know who comes. Some familiar faces. To be honest, I don’t think some of them know me either.

And no, I’m not forgetting Soyeon at all. In fact, I miss her even more. These guys: they have these things, and they really don’t know how to use them to the point where it’s embarrassing. Not even that, it just feels disgusting when it’s all over. When they get dressed and leave. It doesn’t help that there’s a mirror at the foot of my bed for me to stare at myself.

I’m not looking too great either. I think I’ve eaten more of their loads than food. I miss my old self. I miss debut-Yuqi, when I was just a kid in the industry. Now it feels like I’ve lost everything.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

As the continuous smacks against her ass finally subsided, the firm hand around her neck finally loosened, Soyeon gasping for breath as she was dragged onto the floor, the man in front of her beating himself in front of her face. She looked up, the whole situation bringing back memories she thought she’d buried.

Before she could take in air, it was stuffed in her mouth, the poor girl struggling to pull him out before she passed out.

“I’m sorry,” she whined, the man stepping back in confusion as she sobbed against the floor, heaving desperately. She could feel four pairs of cold hands across her body, a pair of eyes staring at her from the corner. “Okay, I’m ready.”

It felt like hours until she was finally back in bed alone, with no company. It felt like she’d just woken up by the time the man left.

There was no money, but a fresh bottle of water and a new set of rainbow printed pyjamas and a pink blanket sat on the edge of her bed. She stared at it in confusion. She winced in pain. He must have forgotten to take it with him. He has a child at home? Why did he come here?

She crawled over, lifting up the clothes to see a note above it.

“This has been my third time now, and my last. Miss, I don’t know you, but something tells me that this isn’t what you want. Many women do this for fun. Some girls, just like you, do it, but because they need money. I don’t understand why you do this to yourself if you don’t want it, but again, I don’t know your life story. These items are for you to look after yourself. You have more gashes and bruises each time I come. I have also left my number. If you’re being trafficked, call me. Otherwise, I wish I could help you, but you need to help yourself. You seem young. At least you can restart your life. Don’t give up before it’s too late.”

“I left you some food and paracetamol in your kitchen, along with a first aid kit. The food is store bought, as I didn’t want you to be suspicious of anything, and it seems as though you’re too weak to leave your house.”

“Look after yourself, miss. I know how many men enjoy this on behalf of you, but at the end of the day, this isn’t worth it.”

She moved aside the blanket, a cat doll lying under it. She frowned, turning it around.

“A hot water bottle,” she mumbled, feeling its warmth already. “He filled it and left it. I didn’t even realise.”

She placed it against her stomach, her soft groan escaping her mouth as she doubled over in pain. She buried her face in the blanket, shivering slightly.

Pivoting her head to the side, the air con had been turned off- in fact, the heater was blowing against the bed.

“So considerate,” she whispered, a tear running down her cheek. “He was right, but… I can’t stop just yet.” She collapsed.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Miyeon sighed, driving angrily back home. She didn’t know whether she was angry with herself, Yuqi, or even Minnie, although she’d promised the latter her full commitment.

Yuqi was fine. It was just a breakup. The fact that she couldn’t bother to check on her own band member infuriated her.

“She didn’t even care when I told her,” she spat at the windscreen. “Why did I bother looking after her?”

Her mind darted to Minnie.

“She’s not doing much to help herself, is she? She enjoys this. Soyeon actually bothered to go to therapy, and used up her medication. She didn’t need to be in hospital all day because they knew she wanted to get better. Minnie’s asking for it.”

She scoffed.

“Is it for attention? Is it for me to love her? I wonder if Shuhua even texts her anymore. It’s like no one cares. But how can they if she doesn’t either? I’m losing all my patience. If Minnie doesn’t want it, why do I? If Minnie’s stopped caring about her own health, maybe I should too. Maybe she really wants to let go. At the end of the day, why stop someone from what they want. She may be unstable, but a desire is a desire. She’s not the only suicidal member of the group after all.”

She winced.

“I hope Soyeon’s okay. I haven’t seen her in a while. I miss our Yeon-parties, when we’d just drink and shout at each other. I miss when everyone used to be friends.”

She pounded the accelerator.

“Now we all hate each other. Soyeon hates Shuhua. I hate Yuqi. Soyeon and Yuqi hate each other. Great. One breakup and now everything’s falling apart.”

“Why do I bother?”

Chapter 12: why is everything cool?

Notes:

don't forget to comment and give kudos :)

(stream m.o. !)

Chapter Text

A short, sweet kiss that was supposed to be nothing more than that, had the ability to turn into something much, much bigger.

They lay on Shuhua’s bed, Oscar kissing her as gently as he could. Shuhua lay on top of him, holding him in place with her small hands, smiling into the kisses that he planted against her lips lovingly.

“Shu,” he pulled away, playing with her hair. He kissed her again, making her moan at the sudden display of affection. He smiled. “You’re so responsive,” he stroked her cheek. She smiled back, lying back down to feel his warmth against her face.

He tugged at her hair repetitively, massaging her scalp- the sensation that she yearned for causing her legs to wrap around his one, holding him possessively. He pulled her back up to kiss her again, more fervent this time, until both of them began to moan into each other’s mouths.

“Shu… do you think you’re ready?” he asked quietly, stroking her back to ease the tension in her muscles as the question took her aback. “You don’t have to be. We can wait.”

“Are you?”

He hesitated. “Yes… I think I am. B-but it’s bigger for you.”

She rolled beside him. “Why?” she frowned.

“Your experiences…”

She looked away. “It’s not too early, is it? We’re still fresh-“

“Shu, it’s okay… we really don’t have to. I’m sorry I brought it-“

“No!” she stopped, shooting up. “If you’re ready…” she sighed. “I- I’m ready.”

“Shu…”

“I want this,” her breath became heavy. “I’ve never… I’ve never done it, but, I’m ready.”

She lay back down. “You don’t have to be,” he whispered.

“I want this… Oppa, this is the first time I’ve felt a connection with someone that hasn’t been forbidden. Someone who’s loving me in the same way that I love them. I- I trust you. You can really… take my virginity.”

“You’ve never had sex before?” he choked on his words. “Sorry, I didn’t want to make you-“

“Oppa,” she smiled kindly. “I’ve…” she blushed, unwilling to part with the admission she was about to make. “I’ve used sex toys,” she gulped, “but I’ve never felt the real thing.” He gave her a confused look, giving her a pang of guilt. She couldn’t keep moving around the situation. It had happened far too often for her to keep ignoring it.

“W-what?”

She averted her gaze. “I was in a lesbian relationship,” she reminded.

As the information sank in, he nodded slowly in understanding. “Oh… okay… but, you’ve never had the real thing. I understand.”

She kissed his cheek, moving closer to him until her crotch rested against his leg. He held her, feeling her hips buck against the firm surface of his thigh, small, jumpy gasps escaping her mouth as her eyes squeezed shut. “Please,” she whispered. “Take care of me. I trust you.”

He pulled away from her, kneeling above her between her legs as he undid the button of his shorts, revealing himself while Shuhua continued to wriggle blindly under him. His pocket contained a condom that he placed on himself quickly. “Shu, can I touch you?”

“Please,” she moaned. “Touch me everywhere.”

He rubbed her lower stomach in circles gently, before raising her knees and rolling down her skirt. He took himself in one hand, stroking it gently, his other hand brushing her pale thighs gingerly. His finger brushed against her clothed slit, watching the fabric of her underwear dampen from her fluids.

After another whine, he pulled her underwear to the side, revealing her soaked area. His eyes continued to stare upwards, unwilling to view the girl without her clear consent, instead feeling for her entrance with his fingertips. She felt soft and warm against his hands, invitingly wet for him to enter her.

“S-so… you won’t bleed, right?” he asked cautiously.

Shuhua opened her eyes. “I don’t think so… I did once, but… I- I won’t,” she nodded. “It’s okay… you can put it in.”

He moved further above her as she pushed himself inside, Shuhua’s eyes rolling to the back of her head as she felt a real cock inside of her for the first time. “I’ll go slowly,” he reassured her, hand still holding her panties aside as he pulled back out until the tip was barely inside of her, before re-entering. A quiet, calming sound was audible as their sexes met, the wet noise reminding both of the actions they were engaging with, and the intimacy that came with it. Shuhua’s legs fell open, and she raised both her arms for him to move into.

He lay down, his front against hers, and she wrapped her arms around him. He encouraged her legs upwards, and her heels now rest against his back, pulling him back in every time he pulled out. She held onto him, feeling his crotch press against hers every time he buried himself inside her.

“I like it,” she smiled tiredly. “You’re not too big… or small. You’re just right. Oppa, you can take off my…”

He nodded, moving back up to pull himself out of her completely, removing the garment from her legs. “Okay…”

“You can see me too,” she giggled. “I don’t mind.”

He finally looked down, her hand moving his towards her area, specifically her clit. “Beautiful,” he moaned, wiping her down.

“Rub me here,” she whispered. “Did your ex not show you this?”

“I didn’t… I didn’t know…” he trailed off.

She brushed his fingertips against her clit over and over, enjoying the feeling. Perhaps the figure of a young, loud Chinese girl appeared above herself doing the same thing… but she shrugged it off.

“It feels good… but it’s okay. You can stop now.” She encouraged him back inside of her, lying him back on top of her and holding him against her chest. Her core squeezed his length comfortingly, a soft, warm cloudlike pleasure causing his head to spin as he watched the girl happily accept his every thrust inside of her body.

He brushed against her weak spots with each motion, each one taking a hit at her core as she grew weaker and weaker under the immense pleasure of his strokes, before she finally exploded under him, orgasming around his shaft with a weak whine of alert.

The noises of her submission made him lose his composure, as he released with her, trying not to settle his full weight on her.

“It’s okay,” she kissed his cheek, finally experiencing the heavy weight across her body.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You’re not,” she kissed him again, and again. “Don’t pull out. You’re using protection, right?”

He nodded, his head dropping against her chest that rose and fell slowly. She recognised his consideration with a peck against his forehead, taking the hand that brushed against her area and letting it travel up her body, at which she settled it on her left breast over her blouse. They gazed at each other with love in their eyes, as Shuhua tucked his hand under her top, placing it against her belly.

“You can touch my chest,” she stroked his hand. “I’m not wearing a bra.”

She dragged his hand to cup her breast in his large hand, his thumb gently circling her nipple as the rest encircled her soft skin- so soft, that he couldn’t keep it to himself. “You’re so fragile,” he kissed her. “So special.”

She smiled at his words. “You can see me.”

“I don’t have to.”

“I want you to,” she insisted. “I want to deepen our bond- our connection. I want to feel you against me.”

He sat up, pulling his shirt over his head, and then turned his attention towards Shuhua, who clearly wanted his help in removing her own top and cardigan, leaving her as bare as she was the day she was born. He folded the clothes and placed them next to the bed, resuming his position as he stroked her nipple back and forth, up and down and side to side. Her wetness ran down his cock, that eventually soaked the sheet under them.

“That feels good,” she whispered. “I’m sensitive there… f-fuck… Oppa, suck me.”

He leaned upwards slightly in confusion. “Your chest?”

She took the back of his head in her hands, pulling him towards her breast. “That’s it,” she moaned as his lips tightened around the nub. He flicked it back and forth with his tongue, feeling his other hand play with her other nipple between his fingertips. The room was filled with wet noises and high-pitched gasps and moans of delight, Shuhua’s arms tightening around the back of him as he sucked her harder.

“Good?” he mumbled.

“I could cum just like this,” she squeezed her eyes shut, feeling her own liquids running down his shaft as he moved his hand down to flick her clit. “Please, please, please,” she moaned, before finishing once more over his cock. “Sh-shit…”

“Your face when you orgasm,” he pulled away, beaming, before readjusting and lying back down to cuddle her. “Angel.”

Shuhua smiled, nuzzling against his warm skin as the pair fell asleep.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

songstar

hey unnie. it's been a long time.

i hope you’re well.

Minnie’s eyes lit up at the contact name.

minnie mouse

aegi!!

i'm fine, you?

good

just checking on you since i
haven’t heard much.

right…

thanks 😊

unnie don’t need to thank me
for that

😊

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

13^th December 2022

Shuhua sighed in exhaustion, flicking her pen one way, and then the next, a blank sheet lying in front of her. For once, she wanted to help with the album: maybe write a few lines she could donate to the other girls- perhaps Soyeon, who would give her credit where it’s due.

Speaking of which, had Soyeon even started the next album?

Shuhua hummed. It was best to check, right? But Soyeon hadn’t been checking her phone recently…

“I’ll drive over,” she mumbled. “I’m still angry with her, but I need to know.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“I spoke to Yuqi recently,” Miyeon mumbled, once again sitting in the waiting room with Jimin by her side. “She’s miserable.”

“I’m sure she’s just going through a rough patch, with herself and Soyeon and all.”

She shrugged. “She doesn’t care about anyone else but herself. Minnie’s struggling, but no, it’s all about her.”

“Do you want me to talk to her?”

Miyeon simply shrugged. “I don’t care.”

“You clearly do.”

“I wish they paid attention to Minnie. I guess Yuqi is the only one who can.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Walking hesitantly through Soyeon’s driveaway, her mouth fell agape as a man she didn’t recognise slipped out of the front door. He looked at her in confusion.

“Yeh Shuhua? From the girl group… You know this woman?”

She raised her eyebrows, trying to read the room to the best of her ability. “She’s a friend,” she narrowed her eyes, not willing to divulge any more information. “Please don’t mention of this, or my attorney will be in touch.” She’d have to get personal details somehow, but if he’d just seen Soyeon, she must have everything she would need.

The man nodded in confusion, leaving quickly. She gulped, moving up to her front door, and knocking twice. Soyeon opened after a few minutes, clad in a bathrobe and nothing more, and groaning at the sight of her.

“What are you doing here?”

“Who was he?”

“Who?”

“The man who just left this place. You know him?”

“What’s it to you?”

Shuhua barged in, closing the door behind her. “Who was he?”

Soyeon rubbed her eyes. “Why do you care?”

“He knew me. He didn’t know you. What’s going on?”

“Shuhua, why the fuck are you here?”

“I was going to ask you how the next album was going, but clearly you’re up to other things.”

Soyeon ignored her, walking away dismissively. “You’re still onto this, are you? Shuhua, I don’t know why you care so much, but you’re beginning to get on my nerves,” she warned.

Shuhua followed her closely. “I’m asking you to do your job. Is that too much to ask?!”

“Excuse me?”

“Who was he, unnie?”

Soyeon refused to answer, sipping the coffee that was on the counter. “You’re wasting my time."

“It doesn’t look like you were using it for much better,” she fired back. Soyeon tried to walk around her, but Shuhua blocked her path.

“Are you for real?” she mumbled.

“You and Yuqi broke up, did you? Is that what this is all about?” She shrugged. “Seriously, you can’t put your life on hold because of your breakup.”

“You can’t tell me what to do,” she retorted. She sighed, placing the mug down and stepping towards her. “Yeh Shuhua, there’s something you need to understand.”

“What’s so important that I need to understand?” she folded her arms in amusement.

Soyeon glared at her, unknowingly making Shuhua’s heart somersault in her chest. “You need to learn to stay in line. You’ve been crossing limits you shouldn’t even venture close to.”

She pushed her aside, walking on.

“You’re not in the group because you can produce, or perform. You’re just the visual. The maknae. The extra one that we needed to look… okay? Suddenly you’re acting like you’re the centre of the whole project.” She turned back. “You’re getting ahead of yourself, sweetheart.”

Shuhua strode towards her, pain struck on her face. “H-how dare you?” she stuttered, the shock in her voice being evident as she tried to answer.

“How dare me!?” she shouted. Shuhua took a step back. She’d never seen her leader so angry before, and towards herself personally? She wanted to bury herself alive. “At least Soojin had talent,” she scoffed, Shuhua wincing at the name drop, before realising what she was indicating.

Shuhua was about to respond, but Soyeon seemed to want to continue.

“You’re in my house, telling me how I, the leader of the group, should do my job?” she narrated sarcastically. “Get out.”

Shuhua shook her head, walking towards her defiantly. “Soyeon-“

“Get out.”

“Are you drunk?”

“Yeh Shuhua, get out. I’m not going to say it one more time,” she growled.

A smack echoed throughout the room, Shuhua heaving in anger towards the smaller woman, whose face was flushed red at both the assault, and her own anger.

“Get your head in the game,” Shuhua grabbed her face, unable to hide her seething anger from Soyeon’s words. “I may be the talentless one, but you’re the only one in the group who’s going to fall flat on their face and become the laughingstock of the whole industry. I was warning you because I loved you,” she let go, maintaining a vicious eye contact that had even Soyeon at chokehold.

“Get. Out,” she gritted her teeth.

“I’ll go,” she laughed dryly. “But it’s the last time I’ll be here at all. ‘The visual. The extra one.’… And what are you, exactly? I’d answer my own question, but you and I both know- it’s something you don’t want to hear.”

Shuhua strode out of the house, anger painted all over her face, slamming the door behind her. The gust of fresh air that hit her reminded her of how strongly of alcohol the air inside had reeked. Soyeon clearly didn’t have her head straight, but the words she used- there was no going back now.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“So she said all of that to you?” Oscar asked, pulling her t-shirt over her head.

“I can’t believe her,” she mumbled, kissing him as he undid her bra, her chest falling open between them. “I guess I was checking on her, but I didn’t expect her to be so… mean.”

She leaned forwards, removing his clothes slowly, before pushing him onto his back. “You said she was drunk.”

“She was on something,” she frowned, pulling her underwear down, her skirt still around her waist. “I hit her. It felt good. She was saying all that stuff. Maybe that’s why she and Yuqi broke up with each other.”

He winced, unwrapping the skirt and revealing her heat. He placed the fabric aside, Shuhua taking control and opening the condom. “You shouldn’t be telling me this stuff.”

“Why? You’re my boyfriend. And more of a friend than she is, clearly. She’s changed so much,” she tucked her hair behind her ear, tossing aside the wrapper and kneeling over him.

“I think that’s a sign to figure out what’s going wrong,” he warned, lowering her onto his cock. She groaned in delight, allowing him to wrap his hands around her waist, lifting her up and down, continuously hitting all the right spots.

“Ah…” she winced in pleasure, face creasing as she let out sharp moans through her teeth, leaning back to watch the action herself. “A man left her place. She’s doing something weird. And what’s worse- he didn’t even know who she was. He was at her home!”

Shuhua sucked in her stomach, spreading her labia gently while he worked at the rest of her. “Looks good?” his hands slipped to take the place of hers.

“Delicious,” she winked provocatively, rolling her hips to their rhythm. “Mmm… I like this position. Are you feeling it too?”

He reached up, his thumb moving into her mouth that she sucked sweetly, a sign of her subtle submission as he started thrusting into her from underneath. “You’re perfect,” he admired her pristine body, noticing a few unusual scars, but not thinking much of it. “I knew you needed this,” he nudged her clit gingerly.

“How?” she felt her limbs tremble slightly, Oscar finally taking over completely.

“You smelled different. More… fruity,” he explained, her whines growing louder. “I guess that’s how women normally smell when they’re… ovulating, I guess.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Men can tell? Even I can’t tell,” she rode her high, swiping her clit vigorously as she enjoyed it with a loud moan, her tightness making him finish too.

Shuhua moved off him, Oscar kneeling on the bed and removing the condom, tossing it in the bin. Shuhua lay on her front in front of him, moving up to his same position as he encouraged his cock in her mouth.

She blinked slowly, unwillingly wrapping her mouth around his member, before suddenly freezing up.

She began to struggle, whining and gasping in pure panic. Oscar’s hand moved away from the back of head, allowing her to shoot up in order to breathe. She scrambled off the bed, backing away slowly, her eyes wide in fear.

“She’s not a virgin,” she heard from behind. “Dirty fucking slut. That Soyeon was pure.” She took a blow against the centre of her back, causing her to lose her balance. “And this bitch won’t let us have her.”

“Suck!” the man before her ordered, Shuhua wincing as she continued to tighten her lips around the disgusting shaft.

“I love you Soojin,” she mumbled with each thrust as if it were a countdown. “I love you Soyeon... I love you Yuqi... I love you Miyeon... I love you Minnie... I love you Shufen... I love you Mei... I love I-DLE. I love my family.”

She finally passed out.

“Shuhua?”

“G-get away from me,” she stuttered, grabbing her clothes and dashing out of the room. Oscar opened and closed his mouth in hesitation, before dressing himself quickly.

Shuhua flew into the kitchen, throwing her clothes on with shaky hands as tears began to stream down her face.

“Fuck,” she mumbled as she hit her elbow against the granite counter top, pulling her jeans over her waist before scrambling at one of the kitchen drawers.

Her hands probed uncontrollably at the cutlery within them, grabbing metal chopsticks that she flung out of her reach in a daze, digging through the rest of the metal pieces until she felt a sharp pain against her hand.

She picked up the knife, slamming the drawer shut, and held it in front of her desperately as she heard Oscar run down the stairs, ignoring the blood running down her hand.

“Shuhua?” he frowned, eyes widening when he saw the knife in her hand.

“G-get away from me,” she sobbed, thrusting it in his direction. “Go. Go!”

“What hap-“

“G-go!”

“Alright, alright,” he raised his hands, leaving immediately. Shuhua sobbed openly as she heard the door shut, knife dropping from her hand and creating a loud shattering noise as it hit the floor.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Another bottle hit the tiled floor with a crash, the glass splitting into small shards that flew across the room. Soyeon stared at it, stunned, too unstable to consider clearing the mess she had made.

Her head began to spin, as she slowly came to the realisation that she’d perhaps hit her limit of alcohol intake before drowning in a sense of delirium.

She didn’t know where she was going, or why she was putting her shoes on and throwing herself out of her front door and into her car, or why she started her engine. She couldn’t drive anywhere safely in her current state, clearly, as she backed without a care in the world, even confused by the loud crash from behind her.

She panicked, looking through her rear view mirror to notice the collapsed fence between her house and her neighbour’s. Wincing in pain, she couldn’t imagine the wrath she was going to be faced with if she didn’t leave instantly, and forced her foot on the pedal, except she missed completely. Her foot slammed into the plain floor, a groan of pain from her throbbing her head making her thrust her door open, haphazardly leaving the car and taking to the road herself.

She didn’t know where she was running. Everything was spinning around her, and she could barely see beyond two meters in front of her eyes. Before she could process it, she was outside a familiar door. She slammed herself against it, knocking herself out and sliding onto the stone in front.

Chapter 13: no matter who looks at you,

Chapter Text

Yuqi stared at herself in the mirror again, hearing her front door slam shut as the last man left her room. She had cut down recently, but still, the burning feeling of disgust was lingering against her body as she reflected on the past few hours of misery.

A loud sob echoed through the room, finally.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

14^th December 2022

“You’ve really been out of it, haven’t you?” Jimin sighed, stroking her head as Soyeon downed the bowl of seaweed soup on the table. “You have a red mark on your cheek.”

“I hit my face against the front door,” she grumbled, slamming the bowl on the table top. Jimin took it and placed it in the sink.

“Well, since you haven’t been with reality recently, I guess I could bring you up to speed. Minnie and Miyeon are… alright.”

“Great,” she rolled her eyes, almost falling off the table chair had Jimin not caught her.

“Minnie’s still in hospital,” she lifted her up, taking her to the living room where she’d be able to fall safely, if necessary.

“Great.”

“Have you spoken to Yuqi?”

“Who’s that?”

Jimin shook her head, sitting beside her on the floor. “You should see your parents.”

“Don’t want to.”

“Why not?! Sso, you’ve been seeing me more than them. You know they love you.”

“But I’m a disappointment. I can’t really be a disappointment to you ‘cause I’m not your kid. Plus, I was a disappointment to begin with, and you know I haven’t changed.”

Jimin shoved her. “You were never a disappointment. Look how successful you are. If anything, your parents worship you.”

“They like Sohee more.”

“Probably because she brings them free cake every day,” she admitted.

Soyeon contemplated it. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re probably right. I could give them each a quarter of my awards if they want. I’ve been meaning to smash them up-“

“Woah, okay, don’t do that. You could get severely told off for that.”

“It’s fine- they’re locked up in the company office anyway,” she sighed.

Jimin agreed. “You know, there are places where you can go and pay to smash up rooms and plates and fruit and god-knows-what.”

“Why should I pay when I can do that at home? Besides, I should probably start saving money. It doesn’t look like we’re getting a comeback this year.”

“Every time I see you, you’re drunk. Who’s paying for that?”

“My retirement fund.”

Jimin smacked her side. “Soyeon! Are you crazy?!”

“I’m joking! I’m not broke just yet.”

“Look, if you don’t want to break things… maybe go back to the beginning. What did you do during training when you were sick of your director?”

“Scream at him.”

“But for yourself?”

“Draw him and then scribble red highlighter all over it. I have pictures if you want. I even sent them to him sometimes. I don’t understand why he just laughed. I really meant it. But yeah, I have pictures.”

“But you told me you did something to calm yourself. To breathe.”

“Oh. Well, yeah, I danced a bit.”

“Book out a studio, and just dance. It worked when you were fifteen. It will work now.”

“So I go there, play music and throw myself around?”

“Yeah.”

“Wow Jimin. You’ve outdone yourself again,” she gave a slow clap, shaking her head in sarcastic recognition.

“Just go to your company-“

“NO! They’ll kidnap me and make me work,” she placed her hands on the sides of her head.

“So, book one out from somewhere else.”

She sat back. “Do you think it will work?”

“Try it.”

She licked her lips. “Okay. I’ll do it,” she nodded decisively.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“’sup li’l Shu?”

Shuhua stared at the phone. “I’m fine,” she mumbled.

Shufen watched her carefully. “Shuhua, seriously, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, unnie.”

“Chinese, Shu…”

“O-oh, sorry,” she swapped back. “I’m fine. I don’t want to talk right now.” Her voice was dangerously quiet, on the verge of tears.

“Okay. Shuhua, text me when you’re ready, okay? Please. I can tell something isn’t right.”

Shuhua hung up without another word.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

minamimania

okay do you want the full break
down or just like summaries of litr
everything that’s happened

oversized chinese canine

just sumaries irdc abt ts

Okay!

minnie's having regular sessions
with my mother again

Soyeon drove into her neighbour’s
fence recently

she was drunk

according to umma she’s been
drunk every time they’ve seen
each other

she thinks she’s been sleeping
around

oh miyeon's lowkey pissed at
Minnie

umma didn’t say why but

oohohohohoohohoh drama

I think you and Soyeon should
just like fuck it over

lowkey

like kimachi and i fight every day
but in the end she’s just one
really big softie

and she’s all like “I don’t like hugs
RAWR im scary” but all you need to
do is pick her up and give her one
big kiss and hey presto

melted bingsu

dude

i asked for the tea

not

this

but seriously maybe soyeon just
wants idk belly rubs

she’s not a dog

you don’t know that

I thought kimachi was scary AS

look at her

fruit sandwich

who the fuck makes fruit sandwiches

uh us liiiike

japanese n shit

im not talking to Soyeon idc

she rammed herself into a fence

she was drunk??

yas

sojusojusoju

okay

well

that was a waste of time

hey!

Bye

☹

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Come home!”

“No!”

“Come! Home!”

“No!”

“Come home.”

“No.”

“Dude, seriously, umma’s about to forget she had two kids to begin with. You can’t just pretend you’ve offed yourself.”

“Well I haven’t, otherwise the funeral would’ve happened months ago.”

“Okay, what happened?”

“I broke up with someone.”

“What do you mean ‘someone’?”

“I forgot their name.”

“How?”

“Because!"

“You’ve gone crazy.”

“No I haven’t. You’re crazy.”

“Well, do you want me to remind you of who she was-“

“No! No no no!”

“You’re insane. Seriously insane. Go see appa.”

Soyeon paused. “I miss appa.”

“You know they’re considering round two?”

“Fucking hell. They’re the reason I’m indecisive.”

“I wouldn’t say you’re ‘indecisive’, however I would say you just make bad decisions to begin with.”

“No,” she slurred, eyes widening.

“Are you seriously drunk right now?”

“Nah.”

“Dude, get help.”

Sohee hung up, leaving Soyeon very hurt and confused.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

15^th December 2022

myeon

still haven’t texted her

do you even care?

oversized chinese dog

fuck off

gladly

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“I want to see Yejin outside again. Inside is getting very boring.”

Shuhua looked up from her iPad, looking at the smaller girl who was standing in the doorway. “Well, where do you usually see each other? At hers, Soojin’s or your flat?”

“All three places. I think Soojin wants us out now."

Shuhua sighed. She knew they would have to break up at some point, but looking at how desperately love drunk her sister was, how could she just ruin her happiness within a heartbeat?

“Alright,” she mumbled. “Did Yejin’s sister say yes?”

“Yes!”

“Okay. I’ll think about it,” she turned away again. Meiling’s face fell, and she left the room sadly.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“I’m pissed at Yuqi.”

Minnie glared at her from the hospital bed. “And I’m pissed at you for bringing me back here. What did she do?”

“She doesn’t come and see you! She doesn’t ask about you! She doesn’t care!”

“She texted me.”

“I bet it was nothing.”

Minnie’s face hardened. “She texted me,” she repeated.

“I don’t care. She’s been awful. Can’t she see I’m struggling too? All she cares about is herself!”

“Don’t say that about her!” Minnie shouted suddenly, taking her aback. “Stop creating fights between everyone! You just make it all horrible! The group will become toxic and suddenly nobody wants to do it anymore!”

“That’s not the point, Min-“

“No, no, it is the point! How do you know that she isn’t hurting too!?”

Miyeon sighed, lost for words, but Minnie’s finger was already pointing out of the door.

“What?”

“Leave. If you’re going to shout at our maknaes for just existing, you can leave.”

Miyeon watched closely, before shaking her head and leaving the room.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Soyeon watched her small self in the big mirror of the dance studio, standing awkwardly in the middle as she struggled to know where to begin. She had booked three hours completely to herself, with access to a loudspeaker.

Her dance bag was tossed at the side, her phone in hand, that she looked at with much contemplation.

Might as well give it a go, she thought, flicking through her playlist and picking a random rap song, with some kind of beat she thought she could mould her body to.

It worked for the first half an hour. It had been a long time since she’d tried to pop and lock, and she could feel the burn in her muscles with the tension that came with the style, but with a deep breath, she felt a piece of herself comeback to where it had left her. Suddenly she had the motivation to find herself again.

She shut her eyes, feeling the music ripple through her body, with each wave and duck and footwork she hadn’t practiced in years playing her role of meditation, until she hit the floor.

Her forehead hit the surface first, making her scream in pain. Her arms spread out beside her, but she felt no motivation in getting back up. She felt the floor under her face dampen unsurprisingly, finally making her sit up at least. She stared at herself in the mirror in a daze.

Such freedom was short lived, of course. Nothing could ever go right for Jeon Soyeon.

She looked over at her bag, a baby pink object barely sticking out of the black interior. With curiosity, she crawled towards it, picking it out.

Her face creased up as she moved it around in her hands, gazing at it closely before placing it back on the floor.

“It’s been a while,” she told herself, finding the complimenting pair, before aligning them beside each other. Another tear rolled down her cheek.

Her feet, since she was eleven, hadn’t grown much at all, and the sight of the nostalgic possession she adored the most out of anything else in the world as a child, lying in front of her now, made her even more emotional.

She took her shoes off, placing the ballet shoes on- soft, and comfortable (not like she remembered it to be). She saw her point shoes also in the bag (another representation of hell) that she chose to ignore, standing up and rolling her ankles to warm them up. Moving back to her phone, she paused the hard hitting rap music that blared through the speakers, and opted for a softer melody that she used when she used to train. When she was a ballerina.

She watched herself, completely self aware and self conscious of herself in the large room.

“I’ll give it a go,” she mumbled, sliding back into her splits with some difficulty, since she hadn’t done any dancing at all since their promotions had ended the few weeks before. Moving onto her other side and then a plie, she stood up.

Taking a deep breath, she let herself go, moving into a turn that engaged muscles she’d forgotten she had. She groaned in pain, lifting her leg as high as she could, before collapsing back onto the floor.

But this time, it wasn’t in defeat.

She stared at the wall with a new sense of determination. Jimin was right. All she needed to do was go back to the beginning, and remember the importance of it all.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Shuhua waited anxiously outside the building, waiting for her boyfriend to appear with an impending sense of doom filling her heart.

The soft crunch of footsteps against the crisp, icy pavement made her back straighten up, before the familiar face made an appearance.

“Hello.”

“I’m sorry,” she went straight to the point, fiddling with her fingers.

“It’s okay,” he nodded. “I should have asked you.”

Shuhua nodded subtly. He wasn’t wrong. “I should come clean to you. Before we go inside, can we talk?”

“It’s cold, Shu. We should get this over with, and then I can drive us to yours. How did you get here?”

“I walked.”

He frowned. “It’s an hour’s walk. Aren’t you cold?”

She shook her head, burying her fists in her pockets to hide the lie. “I lost my car keys,” she lied, awaiting a patronising laugh that didn’t come.

“We’ll look for them tonight. We should go inside now. Before you get ill.”

Her heart warmed at his concern, as he came up behind her and encouraged her inside. They were welcomed by the warmth of a heater, and a dog that ran up to them immediately.

“This is the one,” she looked up at him, bending down to pat its head.

Oscar nodded, before greeting the woman who had come to them. “Moya,” she bent down beside Shuhua. “Gorgeous Shiba Inu.”

“Truly,” Shuhua mumbled, burying her face in the golden fur.

“It’s a tough goodbye, but you look like good dog parents,” the woman smiled.

“Making the total come up to five,” Shuhua sighed, standing up and taking the lead that was handed to her. Oscar picked her up in his arms. “I’ll pay with WeChat-“

“No, no. You don’t pay me. You’re adopting her,” she gestured her phone away. “I trust that you both take care of her.”

Shuhua placed her phone back in her pocket, turning back to the pup. “We will, ajumma,” she bowed.

They left swiftly, Oscar taking Shuhua’s hand in his with the dog in his other.

“It can walk you know,” Shuhua giggled.

“I’m not letting her paws get frozen,” he joked, placing her in the backseat of his car. “Take the front. I’ll drive.”

She did as he said, belting herself in. “I should explain myself.”

“You don’t need to, but at least tell me where I went wrong,” he joined her. “I don’t want to hurt you again. I must have truly frightened you for you to use a knife like that.”

“I’m sorry. That was awful of me. I regret it completely. I must have made you feel so guilty,” she bit her tongue.

They looked behind them, Moya making herself comfortable on the seat.

“Is your hand okay?”

“Hm?”

“Your hand,” he pointed at the bandage around the one that wasn’t clothed with a glove. She nodded, staring at it. She wanted to hasitly slide it back in her pocket, out of their sight, but it was too late. “How did it happen? You stabbed yourself?”

“It was an accident,” she mumbled. “I didn’t realise you noticed.”

“Of course I did… oh, that’s why you couldn’t drive here?”

“I didn’t want to say anything. I’m sorry for lying. You can start driving,” she nodded, as he started the car. “I- I lied earlier too. Well, I didn’t lie completely, but I left some things out.” She turned around, watching Moya to lighten her mood slightly. “I told you about my friend who was… you know… hurt. That was Soyeon, actually. You know her?”

“Your leader, right?” he asked, giving her as much attention as he could whilst focusing on the road.

“It happened last year. The group of men that hurt her were going on this… essentially… assaulting spree of some sort. They hurt some other idols too, from other girl groups.”

“Shu…”

“They hurt me, too.”

He shut his mouth, locking his eyes on the road as his assumption was proven correct. “Right,” he mumbled.

“I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to be too careful around me. I just wanted a normal relationship.”

Oscar didn’t respond, continuing the drive quietly.

Chapter 14: you look cool

Notes:

happy birthday to queen yuqi!!

replying to all comments asap !!

Chapter Text

“They didn’t rape me,” Shuhua mumbled, the couple staring at each other from opposite sides of the bath.

“I wish you had said something before.”

“I wish I had too. I just didn’t want to scare you away.”

“Well, are you okay now?”

“I thought I was.”

Oscar squeezed her hand. “I find solace with you. You give me a peace of mind, and you’re a genuinely funny girl. I enjoy spending my time with you. But, why do you want this?”

She sat up, bringing her knees to her chest. “I need to learn to stop dwelling on the past, oppa. I love everything you said, about you too. You make me feel like no other man ever has. I feel safe. The way you hold me, and kiss me. The way you look at me when I talk. You give importance to me that I’ve never felt before. I feel adored.” He nodded slowly as she continued. “The way you touch me. The words you say,” she giggled quietly, “they touch my soul… But, not only that. The way you touch me physically. How gentle and caring you are. You take care of me like I’m your priority. When we lie in bed and you don’t let go of me until the morning.” She shut her eyes. “I’ve never felt this yearning for belonging before,” she sighed lightly. “I can give you everything I have, and I know you wouldn’t hurt me. I don’t think I’ve ever had that kind of trust in anyone other than my family and the members.”

Oscar moved to lie beside her, taking her in his arms.

“You understand me. You know when I’m upset, or stressed, or angry. You know when I need to talk about something, or have space alone. You know when my body craves you, and when I become aroused just thinking about you.”

He slid his fingers inside of her, Shuhua arching her back as she sat on top of him, back against his front.

“I can be vulnerable in front of you and have nothing to fear. Show you my true self without worrying about your judgement. Give you my body without fearing that you’ll hurt me. ‘Owning’ is never the right word, but I trust you to take care of me. I trust you.”

His lips attacked hers in a deep kiss, grabbing her head from behind and forcing it against him. She smiled into the kiss, moving to straddle him as her hands roamed his chest, opening her mouth wider for a deeper kiss as her warmth located the bottom on his shaft. She rubbed herself against him slowly, busy tasting his mouth for the first time in what felt like forever.

“You know how to kiss me, and pleasure me. I’ll let you control me,” she continued with hooded eyes. “You’re perfect.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Fell out again?”

“Yup.”

“Maybe it’s hormonal,” Jimin offered.

Miyeon rolled her eyes. “I don’t think being a bitch comes with hormones.”

“It could.”

“I give her everything, and then I deal with her bullshit. I’m this close to just forgetting about her and moving back to Incheon,” she raised her fingers with barely a gap between them.

“That’s not much of a move,” Jimin winced.

“Fine. Japan. I’ll move to goddamn, fucking Japan.”

“She really has driven you up the wall. The f-bomb and the two b-words all in ten seconds?”

“You act too professional. I’m having a crisis right now.”

“You think I can give it up when I’m at home? Soyeon’s been at mine more than my daughter.”

“Soyeon? Damn. Are you adopting her or something?”

“She’s an adult.”

“So?”

Jimin rubbed her forehead. “Please look after Minnie. I’m not even supposed to work with adults.”

“But you do?”

“No, just Minnie.”

“What about Soyeon?”

“I’m not supposed to be working then anyway.”

“Alright. I’ll keep going. But if she pushes me off the edge, I’ll pull the plug.”

“But if she pushes you, you wouldn’t need to pull the plug as you’d be falling already. Anyway, I don’t have much more time in my schedule.”

“With all due respect, neither of them has improved since they met you.”

“These are different, completely unrelated problems. And Yuqi has!”

Miyeon stared at her. “You haven’t seen her in the past month, have you?”

Jimin’s face fell. “You’re kidding.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

17^th December 2022

“Miyeon told me Yuqi’s been sleeping around. I know Soyeon has been too,” Shuhua mumbled as they finished their third and final round, lying beside each other. “Neither of them is emotionally stable.”

“Oh,” he mumbled. “Look out for them.”

“No, I was thinking,” she flipped onto her back. “Can you-“

“No.”

“No, seriously. They could be hurting themselves!”

“You want me to go and sleep with them too?”

“Well, yes and no. You’re a guy. They’ll accept you in, and then you see what the fuck’s been happening, and you tell me if they’re okay.”

“So… you want me to cheat on you.”

“Well, if necessary. I trust you. Soyeon’s like… not… okay.”

“I thought you didn’t care about her anymore.”

“I’ll always care! I just can’t show it, since she’ll think I’m a pushover.”

“She’s older than you, and your leader. She’s supposed to… push… you over.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“I don’t know about this!”

“Please? They’ll hate me if I go. They’re used to seeing men they’ve never met before over very cute maknae they’ve dealt with for years. Just look after them.”

“’Very cute mak’- wha- I- I can’t believe you’re asking me to cheat on you.”

“I trust you,” she stared at him earnestly. “I trust that you’ll do what you need to if they’re not well.”

Oscar watched her carefully, trying to see the genuine look in her eyes, before finally accepting her request with a groan.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Umma misses you.”

Soyeon ignored her, staring at the floor whilst her sister tried to make conversation.

“Appa does too. They said we could go out as a family.”

Soyeon looked up to death stare her.

“Or maybe not. Are you hungry?”

“No.”

“Oh…”

Soyeon looked away.

“Would you like a-“

“No.”

“I was going to say ‘hug’.”

“I know.”

“Still ‘no’?”

Soyeon looked back up again.

“I’m sorry. I can leave.”

“Please do.”

Sohee stood up, leaning forwards to peck her head. “Text me, unnie. You know I love you more than anyone else in the world.” She kissed her again.

Soyeon refused to respond.

“You can call me."

Soyeon felt her eyes glass over.

“I love you,” Sohee kissed her cheek. “I love you so much.” She kissed her again. “More than you seem to remember.” She pulled away, about to leave, but stopping herself. “Umma and appa are always fighting. Halmeoni’s ill. It’s just you and me now. I don’t want to lose you.”

Soyeon didn’t turn to look at her, still staring blankly at the empty spot where Sohee was sitting.

“Get help if you need it. I’m sorry, I’ll leave. But remember that we all love you. You’re not alone. You’re never, ever alone. We all have your back. You just need to say the words.”

She left.

Soyeon finally let out a strained sob, curling up on the sofa where Sohee sat. The smell of perfume lingered in the room- a representative of how close Soyeon was to her comfort, yet how conveniently she could push it away.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

8th May 2003

“Nicha! Nicha, come here!”

Nicha rolled her eyes, tossing a Lego brick into the plastic box, and making her way outside, where her mother was standing on the patio with a familiar man.

She cocked her head to one side, her mother beaming when she saw her.

“Here she is.”

“She’s beautiful,” the man nodded, bending down to her height. “Hello, Nicha. Your mother here wants you to do great things,” he smiled.

Nicha scratched her head in confusion. “What things?” she mumbled, before running to hide behind her mother. The man looked creepy, especially when he was smiling.

“Don’t mind her,” her mother laughed, pulling her away. “She’s our youngest. Very shy.”

“How do you feel about being a dancer?” he asked the child.

Minnie contemplated it. She had seen popstars dance whilst performing. If she was going to be the next Vanessa Carlton, she’d need to be good at dancing as she was singing. She nodded hesitantly, the man smiling even wider.

“What dance?” she asked. ‘Please let it be ballet,” she begged.

“Ballet,” he smiled. “Your mother says you like Vanessa Carlton. Did you know that she used to be a ballerina?”

She nodded quickly. “I want to be like here,” she clutched her skirt, smiling adorably.

“Well, come on then,” he took her hand, standing up straight. “I’ll take her for a few hours. I’m only down the road. My sister in law will teach her.”

“Of course,” her mother nodded. “I’m sure she’ll enjoy the experience. And there’s no need to rush. Take your time with her.”

Nicha grinned. This wasn’t too scary. It was normal for her to go off with random people, to see and do random things. If her parents agreed, then it was fine.

“How old are you?” he asked her. She raised her outstretched hand. “Five?” he patted her head. “I won’t keep her for too long,” he nodded to her mother, before leaving the patio and leading her down the road.

“Where are we going?” Nicha asked, the man handing her an orange-coloured candy.

“My place,” he watched her fiddle with the plastic. “It’s mango flavoured.”

She nodded, popping it in her mouth and sucking it. “I’ve never done ballet before.”

“Your mother and I were just talking about it. She said you had been interested, but she couldn’t find a place for you to learn. Are you excited?” She nodded. “That’s good to hear.”

Reaching the house, he allowed her inside first.

“Sit in there,” he pointed towards the dark room.

“Where will you go?”

“I’ll grab my things."

She wandered inside, about to turn around to ask where the light switch was, but the door slammed behind her.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“You know, the member with bangs,” Meiling began. Shuhua raised her eyebrows.

“What about her?”

“Is she nice?”

“Why?”

She shrugged. “I never spoke to her. That’s all.”

“What about Miyeon?”

“I know Miyeon.”

“Minnie’s nice. Do you want to see her?”

“I don’t know. She used to look at me a lot.”

Shuhua made a face. “The fuck?”

“No, like- she used to stare at me when we were in the same room. I didn’t say anything, and she used to look away when I caught her. Why?”

“I don’t know. Maybe she felt bad and didn’t know what to say.”

“Maybe. It got weird when she and Soyeon found out I’m here for ballet. Soyeon was happy. Minnie looked… scared.”

“It’s probably in her head,” Shuhua dismissed, pointing at the bench. “There’s Yejin. Off you go.”

Meiling left her side, sprinting up to her. Soojin stood up when Shuhua met her side.

“Unnie,” Shuhua smiled, bowing slightly. Soojin shook her head, hugging her gently.

“Thank you for doing this. I know it’s tough to against the company,” she sighed, the pair walking down the path, away from their sisters.

“It’s fine. I’ll do anything to see Mei happy.”

“You’re a good sister,” she took her hand. “You’re glowing, Shu. What’s happened?”

“You want to know?”

“Of course.”

She blushed. “I’m seeing this guy. He’s really, really nice.”

“Really?” Soojin smiled. “What’s his name?”

“Oscar. He’s a lawyer based in Incheon, but he chooses to spend his free time with me in Seoul. He has a house here too.”

“He’s rich.”

“That’s not why I like him,” she rolled her eyes playfully. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m happy for you. You really needed him, and he came at a good time.”

“I know. I really did need him.”

She looked up, Soojin staring back her. “You’re growing up faster than I thought you would. It’s emotional.”

Shuhua hugged her side. “I know we shouldn’t be doing this, but I still miss you.”

“We can’t take any more risks,” she insisted. “If the girls want to meet, we should start letting them go out by themselves.”

Shuhua shook her head. “It’s hard for me. That’s all. She’s my meimei.”

“They’re eighteen next year. Yejin next month. I think we should start trusting them more.”

“Meimei,” she mumbled.

“You’re Shufen’s meimei,” she reminded. “She set you free. She would’ve been mortified having heard you had plans to go to Korea when you were just sixteen.”

“I know. It’s a big step.”

“You should let her go now. Mei’s a little woman now. It’s time to let her grow.”

She nodded. “I promise I will. I just need some time.”

“You’ll be fine. Oscar will be with you. You can look after her still. Just give her space.”

Shuhua nodded reluctantly.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

14^th May 2003

“Nicha! It’s time for our lesson!” the same man called from the front door. She hid behind the sofa, pouting to herself, whilst recalling the events from the days before. She hadn’t expected the lesson to go the way it did. In fact, it hurt more than she expected.

“Come on, Nicha,” her mother sighed, picking her up and placing her by his side. “How much am I paying you?”

“It’s okay. I’ll do it for free.”

“For free? Nicha, off you go,” she gestured them outside. “I hope she won’t be too much of a trouble.”

“She’s a little angel. Aren’t you?” he looked down to her, who was still pouting.

“Oh lighten up. It’s just a dance class.”

“It hurts!” Nicha whined.

“It’s supposed to. You won’t become Vanessa Carlton if you can’t endure a little pain.”

Nicha groaned, the man taking her hand, and leading her back to the same house.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

18^th December 2022

Oscar groaned, making his way down the dreaded path towards the address Shuhua had given him. Why had he agreed? He sighed, digging his hand into his pocket as he made his way through to the front door.

“Do I just go in?” he mumbled to himself. “No, that’s rude.” He rang the doorbell, stepping back and accepting his fate.

It opened after less than a minute, Yuqi opening it in confusion.

“Hey, I’ve never seen you before,” she mumbled groggily, allowing him inside. “You new around here?”

“I mean, yeah, actually,” he realised himself. “I was mainly based in Incheon.”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “You Chinese?”

“I’m from Taiwan, but I’ve been working here for a long time.”

“Cute,” she sighed, walking up the stairs. “Well, this is where the magic happens. I bet one of the other guys told you about me. How else would you have found out?”

“No, you’re right.”

“Who?”

He gulped. “I- uh… Y- you know… Ji-Ji-“ he tried to make up a name.

“Joking. I don’t know their names either,” she threw herself on the bed, undoing the robe and revealing herself without a warning. “Seriously, how did you find out about this?”

He stared at her in confusion, before barely undressing himself. “I- uh…”

She watched him, amused. “You’re so slow. Aren’t you desperate to shove it in?”

“No?” he frowned, sitting beside her.

She bit her lip, gazing up and him. “Go on baby. Do your thing,” she whispered, arching her back when he took her in his arms, repositioning her. She shut her eyes in anticipation. Shuhua said he could do whatever he needed… right?

His hand wandered to her area, touching her gently. She opened her eyes in confusion, about to say something, but catching herself off guard as a moan escaped her lips, feeling his fingertips work her clit. She watched him, eyes fluttering open and shut as her lips parted, moaning uncontrollably as he took control of her.

Shuhua liked this, so in theory, so... should she??

“W-wait, that feels good,” she whispered, closing her thighs around his hand. “Mmm,” she whined, her eyes watering. “Keep going.”

His hand picked up speed slightly, Yuqi wriggling against him before finally tensing up and releasing. Her eyes shut as she concentrated on riding her orgasm, before releasing her thighs from their grip. Looking back up at him, she frowned in confusion.

“I can take it rough too, I promise. It can hurt sometimes, but I’m fine afterwards,” she offered, parting her legs again. “You think I’m not good enough,” she realised. “N-no seriously. I can do anything.”

“Yuqi, I don’t want it.”

“So why are you here?”

“I- uh…”

“That’s your response to everything!”

“I know, I know,” he sighed. “Just-“

He thrust his fingers into her mouth to shut her up, giving him time to think as she lost her train of thought once again, busy sucking on them happily.

“I can suck your cock,” she offered with huge eyes, as he pulled his hand away. “I- I’m good at that too!”

“Why do you do this?” he turned the question back on her.

She sat up in contemplation. “I use sex to control my anger, and to get over things, I guess,” she scratched her head awkwardly.

He sat facing the same direction as her, placing an arm across her back that she leaned against. “Aren’t you cold?”

“No, not really,” she looked up at him. “S-seriously, this feels wrong. Why aren’t you, like, choking me with a vice grip right now?”

“Because I’m not here for that?”

“Why are you here?! Third time!”

He shook his head. “Are you sure you’re not cold?” he gestured to her goosebumps. Standing up, he walked to where he thought her extensive closet was, picking out some clothes that seemed more comforting than, well, nothing.

Yuqi gave in, dressing herself in confusion before sitting back and staring at him as if he were some unusual specimen. “So, I guess the sex is over then. I- I’m not complaining- just confused. Your fingers are great though. You have someone at home?”

“Thank you,” he ignored the question, noticing her leg trembling slightly. He watched her for a few more seconds, before noticing that her whole body was rising and falling rapidly, due to her hyperventilation.

“Yuqi, breathe,” he lay her down, pulling the covers over her. “This isn’t where you started. I don’t know why you continue to do this if it hurts you.”

She whined. “I- I want to get over th-this person, a-and I just can’t,” she mumbled into her pillow, before letting out a sob. He groaned, placing his face in his hand, before sitting down beside her once again.

“I thought I was going to leave now,” he thought to himself.

“I- I haven’t felt a touch as kind as yours in months,” she continued. “You’re right. This is so wrong.”

He stroked her back to comfort her. “You should talk to Soyeon. Clearly all of that has made you like this.”

She nodded slowly, sitting up and wiping her face. “B-but can’t I be with you? You’re nice to me. You care about me.”

He smacked his lips shut. “I’m sorry, Yuqi. I can’t. I don’t love you in that way, but she does. Don’t waste this chance.”

She leaned against him, turning to look at him weakly. “W-who are you?” she asked one last time.

“Shuhua sent me,” he stroked her head. “She told me that Soyeon was struggling, and she heard to you had been too. She also mentioned earlier that you’d been ignoring her, and you didn’t want to see her.”

She sighed. “I thought you had something to do with her, but she probably despises me right now. What, so you’re dating?”

“Yeah,” he hugged her, as she cried into her shoulder.

“I’m sorry for making you… cheat…”

“You didn’t know.” He stood up to leave, but she grabbed his wrist.

“Thank you,” she whispered, her whole demure having changed since the moment he had first met her.

“Look after yourself, Yuqi. And if you need anything at all, you should call Shuhua. I figured you both fell out, but after she asked me to do this, I can tell she truly cares about you.”

“Okay… th-thank you. I will, I promise.”

Chapter 15: to me, who’s worried every night

Chapter Text

23^rd May 2003

“Nicha, seriously,” her mother groaned, picking her up as she struggled and whined. “I thought you were dying to do ballet! Now all of a sudden you act as if I’m torturing you?”

She wiped her tears, allowing herself to be dragged out of the house. She looked up to the man, whose grip on her hand made it hurt.

“It hurts! Let go!”

He ignored her, still dragging her down the road.

“I don’t like this! I want to go home!”

“Stop,” he picked her up to minimise her struggles, as she did her best to kick her legs and push him away to no avail. Finally, they reached the house, the man locking themselves in the same room as before. “Remember, Nicha. You can’t tell your parents about what we do here, otherwise it defeats the point of the magic,” he reminded with a smile, flicking the light switch off as a scream echoed throughout the room.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Hey,” Shufen mumbled down the phone. “It’s been a few weeks.”

“How are you?” Shuhua asked quietly.

“Shu, are you okay?”

“Mhm.”

“Really? You sound dead.”

“I’m fine. You?”

“I’m good. Hua, seriously, you can tell me. I’m doing nothing right now so I ca-“

“It’s fine. I’m good.”

“Right. Well, how’s Wenhao?”

“Good,” she mumbled.

“That’s nice. Is he there?”

“No, sorry.”

“You’re celebrating Christmas right? Wanna fly back?”

“I’m not sure. If not, I’ll be with the girls.”

“I can fly over afterwards.”

“You would do that?”

“It’s been six years. I would love to,” she insisted.

“You don’t need to.”

“You don’t want me to?”

Shuhua paused. “I’m not sure.”

She sighed. “Alright, well, look after yourself. You don’t sound too good.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, little one. I’ll hang up now.”

Shuhua put her phone down. Recently, the only thing on her mind had been what Soyeon had said to her. Maybe it was time for her to get ready to move back to Taiwan?

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Soyeon found herself back in the studio, feet aching from the half hour of pointe work she’d voluntarily put herself through. She sighed at her sorry self, wondering why she was even here in the first place.

Jimin’s suggestion managed to work the first time, but now her mind was solely focused on the mess she had gotten herself into. Random men, insulting her maknae, and paying for the fence she had driven into, whilst dealing with rightfully angry neighbours.

She took the shoes off, standing up to do some kind of twirl, before falling back onto the floor. It wasn’t worth it anymore. The magic of the idea had worn off after just one session.

She packed her things, and left as quickly as she arrived.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Jimin watched the small girl curl up into the beanbag, noticeably taking up more space, but still not enough.

“Minnie-ah, I think you should talk to Miyeon.”

“No. she ruined everything.”

Jimin sighed. When Minnie had her heart on something, it was difficult to convince her otherwise.

“I see her in the waiting room. She never leaves, even when she is angry with you. She’s always here, waiting.”

“I don’t care. She fought with Yuqi.”

“She fought to protect you. She loves you, Min. You can’t see that?”

“I can, but she still shouted at Yuqi.”

“Yuqi can handle it. She hasn’t visited you, has she?”

“She doesn’t need to. She has her own life.”

“But she should. She cares, but she doesn’t show it, and she should.”

“She shouldn’t. She could, but she needn’t.”

“How about Miyeon? You pushed her away after she spent a month just by your side. She doesn’t do anything outside of being with you.”

Minnie looked up. “Seriously?”

Jimin nodded. “Miyeon’s definitely put her life on hold,” she explained. “Every day she’s here, even if you don’t see her. She hasn’t seen anyone else, aside from Yuqi when they argued. Otherwise, she doesn’t do anything else.”

“Isn’t she bored?”

“I think she feels obligated to be with you. She often thinks about last year-“

“I know. She brings it up.”

“She’s mourning the version of you before all of this happened. She doesn’t want to lose the final part.”

“That is?”

Jimin pursed her lips. “Your physical being,” she sighed reluctantly. “I’m sorry, Min.”

“I know. I know I’m not much of anything anymore. My soul has gone. My will to live has gone. All I’m thinking about is her, whether I’ll survive until Christmas, and my awful childhood.”

“Does Miyeon know?”

“No. She probably thinks I’m suicidal. Maybe I am. I’m losing hope in myself.”

“You’re not, Minnie-ah. You’re doing so much better than you were last month.”

“Bullshit. They put me back on the drip. My BMI is the same as it was when I was first admitted. I haven’t told her. I don’t want to.”

“Have you told her about your childhood?”

“I’m not telling anyone about that,” she mumbled. “You don’t know.”

“I don’t, you’re right.”

She shook her head. “Ironically, I wish I could see Soyeon. I know I shouldn’t-“

“You can. Call her.”

“I did. She sounded ill.”

“Not more than you?”

“Less, I hope. Jimin, do you think they’ll carry on the group if I die?”

“Minnie, that won’t happen-“

“But if I do?” she persisted.

She swallowed reluctantly. “No,” she revealed. “I don’t think they would.”

“Do you think Miyeon will love someone else?”

“No.”

“Well, she could be with Shuhua, I guess.”

“That wouldn’t happen.”

“How could you know?”

“Because you won’t die, Minnie,” she stared at her. “You won’t let go as easily as you think. You’re a fighter.”

“I was going to ask the nurse to just let me go. I’m living in pain. We thought if I moved to Korea I’d be happier, but…”

“But?”

“I realise I’ve been spending most of my life running away from my own self. I’m ready to let go. I’m not giving up; I’m moving on.”

Jimin sat in silence. How was she supposed to respond to that?

“Jimin, if I asked them to let me die, would they?”

“No. You don’t have a terminal illness, so they won’t take you off the food plan until you’re ready.”

“What about the drip?”

“You need to stop overdosing on the antidepressants.”

“I’m not! I’m doing the prescribed amount!”

“You weren’t before.”

“They weren’t working before.” She sat back. “Is cancer contagio-“

“No.”

She huffed. “I should just completely overdose, then.”

“The hospital gives you a dosage when you need it. How will you achieve an overdose?”

“I just save up on them, and take them all at once.”

Jimin winced. “You’ve thought about this?”

“Jimin, I’ve wanted this since I got here,” she groaned in frustration. “It hurts me to watch Miyeon wasting her life with me. It hurts to see how my health affects the group. They should do it without me.”

“They can’t do it without you. Minnie, if you go, think about what the world loses,” Jimin insisted. “Miyeon loses her beautiful girlfriend. Soyeon loses the role model she always looked up to. Shuhua loses her best friend, and Yuqi loses her safety net. Mic and Mac lose their little sister, and your parents lose their only daughter, whom they love so dearly that they’d fall apart knowing that you took your life yourself. The world loses your infectious personality, and your beautiful voice. The industry will take a hit.” She shook her head, sitting back.

Minnie gulped. “I’m not-“ she cut herself off. She didn’t know what she wanted to say. “How is Soyeon?” she changed the subject.

“She’s… okay,” she allowed her peace of mind. “I encouraged her to do what she loves, and hopefully it’s changing things around.”

“Like what?” she frowned.

“You know, her street dancing, and ballet. You know.”

Minnie barely processed the words, before feeling herself get lightheaded. “Jimin, I’m going to faint,” she said calmly, gripping the sides of the beanbag until her knuckles turned white. “Can you support my head?”

“Of course,” Jimin sat behind her, grabbing her phone from the floor as Minnie dropped into her lap. She tsked, realising the commonality of Minnie losing consciousness by how unphased she seemed to be.

But hopefully her word got through to her.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Did you kiss?”

“No!”

“Hug?”

“I guess.”

“Did you touch her?”

“I did.”

Shuhua sat up, staring at him.

“What did she say?”

“It’s more about what I said, really.”

“Well?”

“I don’t know. I just… I told her we’re together, and that Soyeon is healthier than whatever she’s doing instead of her.”

“And what did she say?”

“She agreed, I guess. She was very confident to begin with, but then she felt apart. I told her to call you if she needed anything, and that you didn’t hate her like she thought you did.”

“Wait, wait. She thought I hated her?! She’s the one who ignored me.”

“I think she felt guilty about that. But, I hope I didn’t lie.”

“No, you were right. She needs to know that if she didn’t before. Thank you.” She leaned down to kiss him. “I’m sorry I put you through that.”

“No, it felt good, I guess,” he scratched his head. “I… It felt good to see her realise that she isn’t putting herself first. It felt like I did something good.”

She smiled sheepishly. “Can you do it again for Soyeon-unnie?”

“I guess,” he mumbled.

“Look, if you don’t want to, then don’t. Please, please tell me if I cross any boundarie-“

“You’re not, Shu. I’m just worried about hurting you.”

“You won’t. You can’t. I asked you to do this.”

He sighed. “Alright,” he kissed her forehead as she snuggled against him.

“You’re the best,” she kissed his cheek.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

1^st June 2003

Nicha scrambled under the bed as she heard the familiar voice in her porch. She pulled the edge of the bed cover over her to hide herself as her mother’s footsteps grew louder and louder as she entered the room.

“Nicha,” she spoke sternly. “God knows what has gotten into you.”

She flung the sheet over, dragging her daughter from the floor and hoisting her into the air, her small legs flying up before wrapping around her waist, wriggling as she began to cry.

“Please? I don’t want to go!”

“Nicha,” she glared. “Come on, now.”

“Please?! Please! I don’t want to!” she screamed louder, as her mother handed her to the man.

“I’m sorry about her. Please, do what you do,” she smiled, glaring at the girl to stop her from crying.

Nicha sniffled, pulling herself out of his grip and pushing him away, before running back into the house. Her mother shook her head.

“I’m sorry. I’ll get her.”

He nodded, waiting patiently as she went back inside the house. “Nicha!” he heard her shout.

She walked into the kitchen, where Nicha defended herself with a pan, whole body shaking in fear as tears streamed down her face.

“N-no,” she sobbed, eyes darting to behind her mother, where Mac stood.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, entering the scene.

“She’s refusing to go to ballet. You told me you had your friends there!” she flung her arms in the air. Mac walked over, taking the pan from her hand and lifting her into a hug.

“If she doesn’t want to go, don’t make her. She’s clearly scared about something. We’ve never seen her like this,” he warned calmly, kissing her forehead as she continued to cry. “It’s okay, baby,” he rocked her from side to side.

Their mother backed down. “You’re right. I thought she was just being melodramatic.”

“How many sessions has she had?”

“One every day, since… a few weeks ago?”

Mac sat her on the counter, smoothening her hair out. “Don’t cry, Ni. I won’t let you go,” he whispered, wiping her tears. “Seriously,” he turned back to his mother. “I think you should tell him to go.”

She nodded, leaving them immediately. Nicha looked up at him, sniffling quietly.

“He’s a bad man,” she whispered.

“You’re going to need to tell me more,” he kept his arms around her securely. “Don’t worry. He’s gone now.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Baby lion,” Soojin smiled as she heard her ex-leader’s voice for the first time in almost a year. “How are you?”

“Fine, I guess.”

“Just?”

“Yeah. You?”

“Mhm.”

They paused, relishing in the moment.

“I miss you.”

“I do too,” she felt tears in her eyes. “I feel bad. I know the girls are dying to talk to you.”

“Not yet,” Soojin consoled her calmly. “It’s okay, Soyeon-ah. Not yet.”

“I know. I’ve done everything you asked for.”

“I’m so grateful. Seriously, aegi saja.”

“It’s been a while since anyone called me that.”

“Really? So it was my thing?”

“Mhm.” She heard Soojin laugh. “I missed your voice. Your calmness. We needed you to balance everything out.”

“You’re perfect as a five, Sso. Don’t worry about me,” she insisted.

“So, anything major happen with you yet?”

Soojin cleared her throat. “Don’t… Don’t tell Shuhua, but…”

“But what?”

“I’m engaged.”

Chapter 16: to me, who likes you

Notes:

don't forget to kudos <3

Chapter Text

Yejin <3

bby hru?

Meimei!

i'm fine

u? hows unnie

she’s alr

so am i

so excited for next month

adult!!!

in Taiwan right?

yes its getting changed from 20

a few days before your birthday
actually

that’s convenient but here it’s 19
though….

So not an adult yet

so what?! If you can be an
adult int aiwan then youre
ana dult ☹

why so bad?

you want something ;)

…no!

i knew it would come to this

well we were always going to!

just where???

soojin wouldn’t care

hua would

really?

Because ive heard her

and she’s LOUD

I didn’t want to know that

How soundproof are your rooms?

shit

would hina find out

yeh

fuck

no, meiling

??????

also if I was an adult this would
be illegal

you realise that right?

I thought we j can’t until one of
us is

it doesn’t work like that but I get it

everyone our age is in a relationship
but we can’t do anything

because we’re girls!

Damn I got lucky w u

how are gay ppl supposed to
find other gay ppl

dating apps are you stupid??

stfu im smarter than you

yeahyeah

I was so embarrassed to admit it

I didn’t even know what it was

What what was

;)

im scared that you’ll judge me

for what

how I look

mei i love you

im like in love with you

like obsessingly in love with you

that also means I think you’re hot

so like don’t be scared of that???

I’ve still got scars from last year

Oh… I’m sorry mei I completely
forgot it even happened

I try to, but it’s hard when I
look in the mirror

you're hot

thanks

I feel like most people would j
judge me anyway

How bad are the scars?

They used to be bloody of course
now theres just many dark spots
everywhere

it’s okay mei

it doesn’t take anything away
from you

and I love you

I love you too

even more now

don’t be so self critical

youre the same person that you
were before

so what there are a few blemishes???

don’t even cover them. they’re a part
of your body now

and you need to give your body
credit for stuff it does for you

you can’t do ballet without it

I get mocked for them by the
teachers

The teachers?

you should tell shuhua unnie

she’ll send me back to Taiwan

we’ve established that she’s not
as scary as you thought

theres Shufen too

she only wants to protect you

if they bodyshame you ill go in
there andpunch them

you wouldn’t

I would

Soojins already got a scandal that
isn’t even true

She can make it true

No!

anyway how is she

honestly???

Not good at ALL

Why?!

Parents making her do things she aint
wanna do

oh well that sucks

I’d know

Yeah

shes become more closed off and
im getting scared now

she hates sleeping alone

she hugs me more than usual and
for longer than she used to

sometimes she cries too

I’m sorry

Maybe she needs Shuhua

Shes w her bf no???

huh what bf

oh she didn’t tell you

ohhhh wenhao??

Um no oscar

Oh idk him

WOAH TWO GUYS??

damn shes a player

ugh

bro you need to tell her stop
cheating

soojins literally went mental

iknow

shes hot tho

well so are you

shit

are you gonna cheat on me now

look around

who with

doesn’t your skl have hot

idk what youre into

well yeah but theyre not nice

they j like me cs of Shuhua

I don’t btw

Yeah I’d hope so

I only like you cs Soojin gives me a
monthly allowance

SHE WHAT

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“WHERE DID YOU FIND A GUY?!” Soyeon shouted, Soojin holding the phone away from her ear.

“Parents. Arranged marriage.”

“You’re kidding,” she gasped.

“Oh I wish. But he’s a nice guy. Seriously, I’m happy about it to a certain extent. I like him, a bit at least. I think he’s into me too. We’re just waiting.”

“For what?! The honeymoon?!”

“Oh don’t be so negative! It’s fine, really-“

“Soojin, you’re TWENTY FIVE-“

“It’s a normal age. Hey, you wanted kids by twenty eight.”

“Yeah. Not to get married.”

“Where would you get the kids from?”

“Do you know how babies are made?” she fired back.

Soojin sighed. “I wish I had the opportunity to choose.”

“I hate that for you. Do you want me to yell at your pa-“

“No, the fighting is done and over with. I’m done fighting.”

“Were they happy with you and Shuhua?”

“Yes, of course. But that’s not an option now.”

“She could terminate her contract.”

“Neither of us want her to do that.”

“I don’t know, I mean, she’s had a big break but maybe Korea isn’t what she needs.”

“That’s another negative. I don’t want to move to Taiwan if I’m with her. I need to be with Yejin for my sanity.”

“But she was away from Meiling.”

“Out of her own freewill. And I’m not willing to be away from Yejin.”

“Fair enough, I guess. I mean, it isn’t up for debate anyway, since it isn’t an option. So, when is the wedding?”

“In summer next year. We’re finalising stuff.”

“So quickly? Jeez, your parents really want you out.”

“They want children,” she sighed. “I don’t.”

“Ssoo, they can’t force you to-“

“I know. I’ll argue with them when we get to that bridge.”

“You’d be a good mother though.”

“Thanks,” Soyeon heard her tone lighten.

“Also, don’t tell Shuhua about any of this.”

“I know, I know. I won’t… but the wedding?”

“Right. I only really want you and Minnie there. I barely knew Miyeon, but maybe her too, I guess.”

“Yuqi?” the name felt foreign.

“I don’t know. I can’t have everyone yet miss out Shuhua.”

“Shuhua should know.”

“No, I don’t want her to know.”

Soyeon sighed. “Look, Minnie I believe is still a little shaky. It’s a two for one with her and Miyeon, and it’s probably going to stay the same for the next two years.”

“So, no Yuqi.”

“Yuqi adored you.”

“I know she did. She stayed by my side even as late as the early hours of the morning. I miss her little hugs. She tried so hard. Hey, how is she?”

“We broke up.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I don’t know how she is.”

Soojin paused. “I’ll think about it. Maybe you should all be there, but I’d need to be extra careful.”

“You can do it, Ssoo. I believe in you.”

She giggled. “Thanks Sso. Take care of yourself.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

1^st June 2003

Nicha was sandwiched between both of her brothers, sobbing into her pillow as both Mic and Mac comforted her in the darkness of their room. She loved them both for allowing her to sleep beside them, specifically in Mic’s room, since Mac’s was too close to their parents.

“Nicha, you need to tell us,” Mac stroked the back of her head, heart breaking at her sobs. “Come,” he whispered, pulling her up and settling her on her side. They both moved in on her, wrapping their arms around her.

“You’re safe now. He won’t come back, ever,” Mic reminded, taking her hand, “but if he did something bad, he should be locked away.”

“He said not to tell my parents about our games,” she spluttered against Mac’s chest, Mac kissing her forehead.

“You need to, Ni. We’ll protect you. He can’t do anything if you tell us.”

“Right?” Mic nodded. “He didn’t mention us to begin with.”

“I know,” Nicha mumbled. “Don’t tell,” she pouted.

Mic’s arm tightened around her little body. “Nicha, did he shout at you?”

“Yes.”

“Where were the other girls?”

She gulped. “So, I went, and then he changed me into these pink clothes in this dark room, and then I went to class,” she began, ”and there were other girls. The place was behind is house and the woman he knew was teaching the lessons. I have friends there. But then when the session ended, I didn’t change back in the dressing room like the other girls. He took me to his house, and said that I look really pretty in pink.”

Mic stared at his brother, jaw tightening. Mac felt all the blood drain from his face.

“Mic, we’ll have to tackle this another way,” he mumbled.

“Nicha,” Mic held her hand. “Did he put his hands anywhere other than on yours?” he asked in a calm voice, as if nothing had changed.

“Yes! He patted my head when he called me a ‘good girl’!”

“Anywhere… else…?” Mac pressed.

Nicha paused. “I can’t say. You’re boys. This isn’t good.”

“He’s a man too,” Mic shrugged, her words slowly sinking in to Mac, who covered his face with his hands.

“I have to be honest- I think he molested her, Mic,” Mac groaned, turning on his back as he stared at the ceiling in both shock and rage.

“What does that word mean?”

“He touched you when you didn’t like it. He hurt you too, didn’t he? You used to shout that it hurts,” Mic continued.

“Yes, he hurt me sometimes. He said we had games and private lessons, but what I did with him, I didn’t do in lessons.”

“What did he shout at you for?”

“If he made me do something and I didn’t do it right, he would shout.”

Mic shook his head. “It’s hard to get articulate information out of a five year old,” he sighed.

“No, have faith. She could explain herself if we made the questions easier for her to answer. Nicha, did he touch your belly?”

“Yeah,” she nodded, now turning to face Mic, who kissed her head and placed her on top of him where she lay comfortably.

“Did he tickle you there?”

“No.”

“What did he do?”

“When he… no. Nothing.”

“Nicha, tell us.”

“No,” she shook her head, flicking her legs back and forth.

“Well, that’s helpful,” Mac sighed.

“Did he touch your arms?” Mic persisted.

“Yes. When he wanted me to have good posture.”

“Do you know what that word means?”

“No.”

“Great.”

“Did he touch under your arms?” Mac frowned.

“No.”

“Okay, how about… your waist?”

“Where is that?”

Mic swallowed. “Your face?”

“He put his fingers in my mouth.”

Mac stood up from the bed, taking them both aback. Mic could tell he was growing in anger, trying to keep it in. “It’s okay, Nicha,” he whispered, noticing that she was about to start crying again. “It’s okay.”

“Did he put his fingers anywhere else?” Mic slid her off himself, sitting up and flicking the dim light switch on.

“He told me not to say anything.”

“Why do you listen to him?”

“He says he will hurt me more.”

“More? How does he hurt you now?”

“He hits me when I don’t do as he says.”

“What don’t you do? Why don’t you do it?”

“Sometimes it’s because I don’t understand what he says.”

“And other times?”

She flushed. “I cannot say.”

Mac shook his head, pacing around the room. “Nicha, did he touch your legs?”

“Yeah.”

“Where? Up or down?” he pointed to his own legs.

“More up,” she nodded.

“In, or out?” he gestured to outside or between his legs.

“Mac, I think regardless, that’s not right,” Mic gulped.

“But still?”

“In,” Nicha nodded.

“Was this a part of his game that he doesn’t like you talking about?” Nicha nodded. “So, he did this, but then what did he do? He left it at that?"

“I can’t say,” she shrugged.

“Did he take any of your clothes off?”

“When he changed me into the pink clothes, yeah.”

“And after your lesson, when you’re playing your games, they stayed on?”

She shrugged. “I think, it depends,” she nodded after some thought.

Mac’s jaw dropped. “Get ma-“

“No, she’ll freeze up in front of her,” Mic groaned. “What did it depend on?”

“What I was wearing.”

“So you wore different things?”

“Yes. Sometimes, I wore a leotard and tights. But other times he did not have a leotard, so I wore a top instead, and he gave me a tutu so they wouldn’t know.”

“So, if you wore the leotard, did he take your clothes off?” she nodded. “And otherwise?”

“Just the tights.”

“Why?”

“So we could play the game.”

“Did the game involve him touching you anywhere?”

She nodded reluctantly. “That was your special answer. I’m not saying anymore!” she humphed.

The brothers groaned. “Nicha, did he touch you around here?” Mic asked gently, his hand brushing over her crotch.

“Maybe?” she tilted her head.

“Move my hand to where he did.”

She took his hand, and placed it square down against her body. Mac flew out of the room. “O-oh god…”

“Where is he going?! Mic?! Where is he going?” she began to panic, Mic lifting her up and rocking her back and forth to comfort her. They both winced as they heard their brother shout, and subsequently both parents flying into the room.

“He’s going to be angry with me now. Mac?! Why did you tell them?!” she wailed.

“He won’t be,” Mic let her sob against his shoulder. “You won’t see him again, Nicha. Not after tonight,” he whispered, consoling her back to sleep as Mac dealt with their parents in front of them.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Soyeon screamed as the man smacked her one last time, rubbing her painfully fast before finishing inside of her. After a few minutes of buttons and zips, he made his way out of the room without a word, the front door slamming only a few seconds after.

Soyeon felt raw inside. She was probably bleeding. She had taken way too many paracetamol to be healthy in the past couple of days, but nothing seemed to have the effect she needed. She needed something that could numb her brain, and drown her in the life she’d given herself, rather than watch her pathetic attempts to stay afloat.

She knew she was drowning. Sohee was right. Shuhua was right. Jimin was right.

She had to pull herself together. If it wasn’t for her, it was for the girls. Her girls.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Shuhua, sitting in the empty (with five dogs, can it ever be empty) living room, thought to herself quietly. Her new addition to the family was comfortable on her lap, with Mata staring at her with wide eyes whilst she stared at the blank wall. Maybe she just needed a good chat?

“Miyeon-unnie,” she put the phone on speaker, resting it on the coffee table that Haku immediately jumped onto.

“Hey Shu,” she heard the same old voice, lacking in energy, but still the same. “How are you?”

“I’m good. I have a new dog. Did you know?”

“Send pics!” she laughed, lifelessly.

“I missed your voice. Without talking to you all, I’ve been feeling lonely.”

“I missed you too. Don’t you have Oscar?”

“Right, him… It’s been a while.”

“Do what is right for you. You should come and visit me. I’m getting lonely too!”

“Ninnie-unnie?”

“She’s doing alright too, but I guess I should be seeing the other members too, right? I should see Soyeon at some point.”

“Don’t bother. She’s all over the place.”

“I take it you have?”

“She fought with me over nothing. I swear she and Yuqi have something against me.”

“They’re just being petty, Shu. Ignore them.”

“I wish I could. Soyeon’s word still means a lot to me.”

“Do you still like her in that way?” she asked quietly.

Shuhua blushed.

She has Oscar.

Oscar was more than enough for her.

But, she couldn’t lie.

“I felt the relapse coming from a mile away,” Miyeon sighed.

“It happened during our schedules. Her blonde hair... alters my brain chemistry.”

“I see. Well, as long as you don’t tell her- wait, maybe you should give it a go! You’re both single.”

She rolled her eyes. “Well I’m no-“

“Sorry, sorry, Shu. I need to go. They’re calling me into Minnie’s ward. I’ll speak soon!”

“O-oh? Okay, I hope she’s alright?! Bye?!”

Shuhua sat back, once again lost in the quiet room.

Chapter 17: please give me your love

Notes:

stream idle!

Chapter Text

Minnie sat in the ward quietly, flicking through pictures on her phone from back when the group had just debuted. She smiled at their innocent faces, sliding between pictures of the girls, and her own selfies, along with other memories. Her heart warmed at the nostalgia, especially those pictures of only herself and Miyeon. If Miyeon had loved her all this time, how oblivious had she been?

Miyeon always seemed to look at her with love filling her eyes. She stopped on a photo of Miyeon’s lips against her cheek, her own eyes shut as she relished in the contact. The picture was taken back in 2019. She slid onto the next one, their lips meeting. Her breath hitched. She’d forgotten all about that.

Memories began to flood back. They had kissed, and told each other not to mention anything about it to anyone. Why they had done it, she couldn’t remember, but it could only have been because of one of their curiosity.

She remembered the feeling of Miyeon’s lips against hers for the first time. It felt right, yet she still chose to ignore it. Miyeon too.

The rest of the pictures were normal, encapsulating the six growing up in front of her eyes.

Finally, 2021 came. Her pictures of and with Miyeon became more explicit. Less innocent selfies. More pictures for only herself to see. Pictures of her lipstick all over her body, short clips of them kissing deeply, and some longer sexual videos.
Amongst those were darker pictures. Her medication, her weight on the scale, her food plans, texts between herself and her therapist. Selfies began to look different. None of them smiled as widely as they used to.

A tear rolled down her cheek, realising the rapid change in her appearance since then and now. Her cheeks had sunken in slightly, and her skin had lost its shine. Her eyes lost their excitement. Soyeon featured less in her camera roll, much to her regret.

She reached 2022. The ‘I Never Die’ promotions were smoothly run. In fact, it was probably her favourite season she had spent with the girls so far. She looked happier. She had more pictures with all the girls, who all seemed to be happy in the moment. Soyeon appeared to be back to her old self, surprisingly. Many of them believed it would never happen again.

She stopped on a picture of herself and Soyeon, hugging on the balcony of one of the hotels they stayed at during their tour. It was Soyeon’s birthday that day, she remembered, and Soyeon clung to her side for most of the day, even during the performance. She remembered how they fell asleep together on the same balcony, Miyeon having to wake them up before they would miss their flight.

“I miss Soyeon,” the words slipped out of her mouth.

Soon the pictures of tour morphed into pictures of their newest comeback. She immediately looked more drained. In fact, there were less pictures of them at all. Yuqi and Soyeon were never in the same shot, or if they were, they were distanced completely. Neither Miyeon nor Minnie smiled much at all. Taking a closer look, Shuhua was barely featured at all.

“Miyeon,” she mumbled, finding a picture of herself and her girlfriend, the very last day of their promotions, one taken by Yuqi. Their smiles barely reached their eyes, and they both seemed uncomfortable in each other’s embrace.

“Are you okay, Minnie?” the nurse turned around.

“I miss Miyeon,” she mumbled, sniffling quietly.

“Miyeon? She’s outside.”

“R-really?”

She sighed. “I’ll get her for you.”

She left the room quickly and returned with company, Minnie letting out the loudest sob as the familiar face finally appeared before her.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Hello?... Hello? Soyeon? Are you there?”

Soyeon held the phone in a shaky hand against her ear, her other hand across her mouth to stifle her sobs from reaching through the line.

“Soyeon?” Sohee continued to call.

Soyeon whined, tears running down her cheeks. She shook her head, unable to allow herself to say a word.#

“Sso… I can hear you,” she sighed, Soyeon gulping when she realised.

She sniffled, still not uttering a word.

“It’s okay, unnie. You don’t need to be scared to ask for help. I’m your sister. You’ll always come first to me. Sso, you need to understand- there’s no shame in admitting to needing help. You did fine in therapy last year. It’s okay to restart. I know how you are. You do better when you share what’s going on inside your head. It always feels different to hear it, rather than think it. You don’t have to feel comfortable talking to me, but I beg you, just talk to someone. I’m sure Jimin would listen to you.”

“I- I’m sorry…”

“Unnie, you don’t need to be sorry. Even if you don’t want me around you, I’ll always be here for you. Umma and appa miss you. We all love you. We know you’re going through a rough patch, but fighting it alone won’t help you. Speak up.”

Soyeon gulped, wiping her eyes while she listened to her sister’s words.

“You called me to hear my voice, didn’t you? Unnie, I know you so well. I know you’ll fight whatever is hurting you. We’re so proud of everything you have achieved.”

“I’m a failure,” she whispered.

“No, no. Unnie, you haven’t failed! You’re far, far off from failing.”

Soyeon hung up, before letting out a strangled sob she couldn’t allow her younger sister to hear. She was right. She needed to talk to someone. But who?

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

2^nd June 2003

“He’s been arrested,” Mic squeezed her hand, as she sat on the patio alone, staring at the street where he used to wait for her. “Nicha,” he sat beside her, turning to look at her. “Are you okay?”

The five year old stared blankly towards the space in front of her. “There was blood when I showered this morning. Am I dying?” she asked quietly, with more maturity in her voice than he’d ever heard.

“Blood? Could you tell where it came from?”

She nodded, but didn’t say anything. By process of elimination, he understood what she meant.

“Did he hurt you there?”

“He put his fingers into it,” she recalled. “He said it looked pretty when he did it.”

“Did you say anything back?”

“No. What am I supposed to say to that?”

“You’re right. He probably just ripped your skin, which is why you were bleeding.”

“But why did he do it? Why me? Why there? I could have hugged him if he wanted.”

“You’re too little. I can’t explain it to you now. You shouldn’t know about this yet.”

“But it happened. I’m only five, but he still did it. I wish I knew why.”

Mic swallowed. It was a gamble, telling his five year old sister about things she was clearly way too young to know about. But she was right. It had happened. Her case wasn’t normal like others were. She was only five, but that hadn’t stopped him, and it couldn’t make sense if she was never told why he did what he did to her, regardless of her age.

He sighed. “It makes me feel uncomfortable just telling you. It’s called adult activity for a reason.”

“Hey, you’re not an adult either!”

“But you’re only five,” he mumbled. “Look, there are adults in the world who have a weird, disgusting obsession with children. Not in the ‘I want to be a parent’ way. They want to do things to them because they’re vulnerable, and would do as they say. They’re normally people with low self esteem, and they like to have the power to tell others what to do, but, adults telling other adults what to do doesn’t work. We, as children, listen to our elders, and that’s what they like about us.”

She blinked. “He put his finger in my private place,” she turned to him in confusion.

He dropped his head in his hand. “This… this is hard to explain to you.”

“Do it. Tell me,” she begged.

“It’s so complicated, you probably wouldn’t understand it anyway. The main answer is, I don’t know. I don’t why he did that. No one knows why people like him exist and do that. That’s why we say they’re deranged, and weird. Weirdness only comes from something you don’t understand.”

“So he is weird?”

“Yes. Being weird is fine, but since he hurt you, he has gone to jail.”

“So he likes doing that to children, and we don’t know why, but it’s bad so he is in jail,” she narrated.

“Essentially,” he nodded. “But, Nicha, was it just his fingers? Did he use anything else?”

“Once,” she nodded. “You know that thing you have. That boys have? He made me hold it, but he didn’t hurt me with it.”

“Alright,” he kissed her forehead. “When you’re older, it will automatically make sense to you. Some things just can’t be explained.”

“Did anyone ever do this to you? Is it normal?”

“No. It’s not. He was a bad, bad man. No one should ever have to deal with what you did.”

“I understand,” she nodded. “I don’t want to do ballet anymore.”

“I get it. But if you enjoyed it, we could go somewhere else-“

“No.”

He sighed. “Alright.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

19^th December 2022

myeon

hey, shu

have you heard from Yuqi at all?

I am Shuhua.

No, sorry

why???

she's disappeared really

I haven’t either

i wonder if she’s okay

i guess

she’ll be fine unless she really
needs the help

true

how are you?

good

how’s Minnie unnie

I wanted to visit but she told me
she didn’t want me to

Is everything okay?

she’ll be alright with time

can we meet soon?

of course unnie

i can’t believe I’m saying this but I
miss your company

i haven’t smelled that perfume
in a long time

hey, I was thinking

i miss the girls like that too. Maybe
we should exchange bottles so if we
miss each other we just spray them.

you waste your brainpower on
weird things unnie

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Oscar stood outside the address given to him, staring at the front door. He could see the impression of a man inside, waiting for him to exit.

He laughed dryly at the way he was almost queuing up to enter.

When the man exited, he walked in swiftly, running up the stairs and looking for the girl in question, lying on her bed, defeatedly.

“Already?” she mumbled quietly, voice barely audible when she heard footsteps walk into her room. “I-it’s okay… I-I’m ready, I guess.”

He stared at her in confusion.

The small girl lay on the bed, barely moving. The whole room smelled of sex, and he could tell that there were a few smears of blood around her arms and legs. The bed was shaking, as she trembled in anticipation. He could hear her hyperventilate against the mask she was wearing to protect her identity.

“Why aren’t you starting? I’m sorry… I- I would clean up a bit, but I’m so tired…”

He looked around, noticing the money bills around her.

“O-oh… I- I was a rape victim a while ago, but I can take everything, I promise. They’ve taught me how. I’m here for your pleasure- not mine.”

“Soyeon-ssi” he mumbled. The girl gasped, sitting up and backing away on the bed until her back was against the headboard.

“Who are you?” she panicked. His heart broke at the pure sight of her fear.

“Soyeon-ssi, I won’t hurt you…” he began, staying put. “I locked your front door. You shouldn’t keep it open like that- it isn’t safe.”

“Who are you?” she asked again.

“Remove your mask, nuna. I’m not here to hurt you.”

She paused, before doing as he asked. “How did you know it’s me?” she placed it aside, tears streaming down her face as she continued to shudder.

He walked slowly towards her, sitting on the edge of the bed with enough distance between them. “This isn’t safe, Soyeon. Why do this to yourself?”

“Who are you?” she asked one more time.

“Shuhua sent me.” She sighed. “Soyeon-ssi, come here,” he opened his arms. Soyeon hesitantly climbed into them, crying and shaking.

“I- I don’t… I just…”

He lay down beside her. She didn’t need what Yuqi did. She needed patience, and somebody to hear her talk. She buried her face in his jumper, curling up around him as he held her firmly.

“Did you want any of this?!”

She nodded. “Of course,” she mumbled. He shook his head, pulling her off him and standing up. “N-no, please don’t leave. Don’t go,” she sobbed louder, begging desperately.

“You’re cold, nuna. I was just looking for something to put on you,” he responded calmly, finding a hoodie and tracksuits that he pulled over her. “They don’t use protection, do they?” she shook her head. “You need to be checked out, by a doctor, or even in hospital.” His eyes locked onto a few sets of pyjamas discarded around the room. Why did they look so… childish?

“No, I’m fine, really,” she resisted.

“You haven’t stopped shaking,” he pointed out.

Soyeon watched him closely- the first person in a long time who had actually shown her some form of affection.

“Don’t leave.”

He contemplated it, before nodding. “Not tonight,” he whispered, picking her up off the bed and placing her on the chair in front of her makeup table. “I’ll change the bed,” he began stripping the duvet and bedsheets off, throwing them out of the room, and replacing them with fresh sheets. “Have you eaten?”

“No,” she mumbled, aghast by his kindness.

“How are you feeling? Can you walk?”

She stood up but winced instantly as she felt a pain shoot through her abdomen. “N-no.”

“Alright,” he placed her back on the bed. “Tell me how this works. Do people come automatically?”

“Y-yeah, I get a text when th-they’re about to come.”

“A text from who?”

She picked up the phone, handing it to him. “I- I have twenty-ish minutes before they sh-show.”

“Have you taken any medicine?”

“T-too much.”

“And it didn’t work?”

“No…”

“It doesn’t work on an empty stomach. How long has it been since you ate a proper meal?”

“I’ve been relying on takeaways th-this week. This man sometimes left food for me, but he’s stopped coming.”

Oscar nodded, dialling the number. “Give me a second, nuna-“

“W-wait, what are you doing?!” she cried as he left the room, her phone against his ear.

“Hello?” he raised his eyebrow at the voice, shutting her bedroom door behind him. “Soyeon-ssi, is everything okay?”

“Hi there, I’m her friend. Look, I don’t think she’s going to be able to continue like this. Is there some fee, or policy about her… dropping out of this… whatever… this is?”

He heard a few voices over the line, before a clearer one. “Is she okay?”

“What?”

“Soyeon- do I need to call an ambulance, or anything?”

“What? No, w-well, I mean, I don’t know yet, but why?”

He sighed. “The girl. Your friend, right? She wanted to be involved in this. I didn’t think she truly did, but she seemed determined. I knew something was up.”

“Why did you let her continue?”

“She’s a grown adult. I can’t tell her what to do.”

Oscar sat on the floor. “Honestly, she seems destroyed. I’m a friend of a friend, so I don’t know her so well, but she’s falling apart. She hasn’t eaten properly in days, and she just admitted to overdosing on medicines. I need to get her out of this, because I know she won’t if I leave it up to her.”

“Do you know why she’s doing it?”

“No. As I said, I don’t know her. She has a stressful job, and she’s been through damaging periods in her life.”

“She said she was raped in the past.”

“My friend told me it happened just last year.”

“She didn’t tell me that,” the man mumbled regretfully. “I feel bad. I bent the system as much as I could for her, but I couldn’t stop her from doing anything. Were you one of the paying clients?”

“No. I wouldn’t pay for something like this. Is there another person coming at all?”

“When you first mentioned her name, I cancelled the final appointment. I knew it would be something bad.”

“But you couldn’t stop it,” he sighed. “No, I don’t blame you. Should I be worried about her catching any infection?”

“Normally the men are all tested beforehand. She can if she needs, but she should be safe. She signed on contraception as well. If anything, she should be healthy, but if her mental state isn’t where it should be, I can’t guarantee you everything.”

“I’ll do what I can to fix things. Thank you for trying to care about her. Do I need to buy her out of the contract?”

“In normal circumstances, yes, but… Spend that money on her health. She… I know, she’s a woman with a mind of her own, but… a piece of me did break when I saw her in the building that day. She seems like a kind, sweet girl. Look after her, if you can. A-and when she’s better, maybe I could see her and apologise.”

“You have nothing to apologise for, but I’ll do just that,” Oscar nodded. “I’m sorry, but I need to go now.”

“Of course. Thank you. Thank you for saving her when I couldn’t.”

“And thank you for doing the best you could.”

He hung up, slipping back into the room. He placed the phone on the table, before settling down on the bed and lying beside her. She cuddled his side tightly, unwilling to let go.

“Are you in pain?”

“Yes.”

“When did you last take paracetamol?”

“Three hours ago.”

“Are you hungry?”

“No…”

“But you need to eat, or the medicine won’t work,” he sighed.

“If I go to sleep, I don’t feel it,” she mumbled. “B-but please don’t leave me.”

“Nuna, I won’t leave until tomorrow. That too, not until the afternoon. I’m staying,” he promised, combing through her hair as she fell asleep against him.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

8^th February 2015

“Hello,” Minnie grinned, sitting beside Soyeon at the lunch table. Soyeon smiled at her happy face, ignoring her conversation with the other trainee as she lost herself in the new Thai girl’s eyes. The girl placed her tray down, pulling out her phone and typing something. She pressed play, shoving it in Soyeon’s direction. “Your singing was cool. You’re cool.”

Soyeon blushed. “You know you’re the best here, right?” she mumbled, taking the phone to type in exactly those words. The translation made Minnie’s eyes pop out of her head.

“Not true! I can’t speak Korean!”

“So what?!”

They both giggled.

“You’re so pretty. Are they going to put you with the new group?”

“CLC? No,” Soyeon smiled. “Too early. I’m not good enough just yet.”

“Right you are,” Minnie protested.

“Minnie,” Soyeon said out loud.

“What?” she replied in the little Korean she knew.

“Nothing,” she moved back to the translator. “I just wanted to say it.” She felt herself melt at her warm smile.

“You’re good at dancing. You did it before?”

“Yeah, I did street dance for a few years.”

“Nice. I’ve never really… properly danced.”

“I did ballet when I was little too.”

Minnie paused, mouth opening and shutting. Soyeon laughed. “O-oh…”

“What? Is there something wrong?”

“N-no, just… Are you okay?”

“Huh?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yes? Are you?”

“Y-yeah,” she started eating, no longer wanting to talk.

“Unnie, tell me.”

“N-no, it’s nothing. I’m being stupid.”

“You’re not,” Soyeon nudged her innocently, before playfully making a heart with her hands. “I love you,” she giggled.

“I love you too,” Minnie reciprocated, mouth full of rice.

“Cutie.”

“Stop it!”

Chapter 18: no matter how much i receive,

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

21^st December 2022

“Thanks for coming,” Shuhua closed the door when Miyeon entered, her unnie kneeling down to cuddle her dogs.

“So this is Moya?” she picked up the pup, walking to the living room with the dog scrambling in her arms. She giggled, letting her go as she dropped onto the sofa. “Baby, come here,” she opened her arms up, Shuhua following her and falling on top of her into them. Miyeon kissed her forehead, squeezing her tightly while she rocked her back and forth. “I missed you so much.”

“Same, unnie.”

Shuhua sat beside her, pulling out her phone to text someone. “Who is that?” Miyeon asked curiously.

“Oh,” she put her phone on the table, “just Oscar. He was supposed to be home this morning but he hadn’t texted me, so I was wondering where he was.”

“Oscar?” Miyeon raised her eyebrows. “You guys are getting serious now?”

Shuhua sat back. “I’m realising how disconnected we’ve all been. To me, it feels like we’ve been together forever, and it’s funny that you’re only finding out about this now.”

Miyeon agreed. “It’s weird. So, he’s the one?”

“I can’t know yet,” she shrugged. “I’ve fallen in love with him, but Soyeon made me lack faith in myself.”

“What did she do?!”

“You know, she said something about me not understanding emotions, or something. I don’t know. It’s been a hot minute, I guess.”

“No, I remember you getting confused by that. I’m sorry. You’ve grown up a lot since then, though. I’d trust myself if I were you.”

“Thanks,” her face lightened slightly.

“So, have you at all… you know… done it, yet?” she smirked.

“Now why is that your first thought?”

“Because I know how much intimacy means to you.”

Shuhua smiled, a small laugh escaping her lips. “Yeah. A few times now.”

“And?”

“Seriously, unnie, he’s so good,” she insisted. “So, so good. He was so gentle to me, and he respected my boundaries even though I didn’t set any.”

“You told him about last year, right?”

“I didn’t initially,” she gulped. “Things got out of hand, and I had to. I realised he didn’t care as much as I thought he was going to, in a good way.”

“That’s good. Can I meet him?”

“You were supposed to. I don’t know where he is.”

Miyeon smiled. “You’re lucky. Minnie hates me right now.”

“Really?”

She nodded, folding her arms. “She’s getting difficult to deal with. She acts up every day now.”

“How is her progress?”

“Not… good. Well, I don’t know. I saw her a few days ago but I left immediately. The longer I stay with her, the more she says things that piss me off. I don’t want to ignore her but the more I distance myself, I’m scared of losing her.”

“I’m sorry. But, your love is stronger than that, right?”

“Of course. I don’t want her to think that it isn’t. God, Shu… I don’t think I’ve ever loved someone as much as I love her. It’s the wedge she puts between us that frustrates me. It doesn’t look like she wants the help she gets.”

“It may not seem like it, but maybe she’s doing better than she was mentally. We barely used to see her at times.”

“She hates me. At any given opportunity she pushes me away!”

“It’s okay, unnie,” Shuhua reassured. “I’m sure whatever she says isn’t personal. If you think it is, remember her mental state.”

“You’re right,” she gave in, throwing her head back and groaning in exasperation.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

29^th March 2021

Minnie sat on her bed, alone, knee shaking while she thought to herself quietly. Soyeon had been assaulted, and used for somewhere around eight hours, she’d pieced together. She’d avoided sight of the girl completely throughout the day, and felt extremely guilty for not being there for the girl when she could have.

But each thought of Soyeon’s state cast her mind back to her childhood. Did it hurt like she did? Did the men look like the one who abused her? She shook her head, lying down with a confused sigh.

Maybe it’s fate, she concluded. Soyeon and she must have done something to earn it. The only thing she could find in common between them that wasn’t shared with other girls, was their history in ballet.

Ballet is cursed, she told herself. Anyone who does ballet is screwed for life.

“I did it, and he hurt me. She did it for longer than I did, and so, she was punished for longer.”

It only made sense.

She’d spent her whole life trying to erase the memories of those dreaded months, but somehow Soyeon’s experience was making all of her hard work null and void.

She wanted to go and see her leader, and hold her, and tell her that everything will be okay, and that she too had experienced at least half of what she had, and understood the traumatic pain she was suffering. She wanted to cry with her- the tears of understanding that she never shed. She wanted to kiss the girl she loved, showing her her true emotion when she needed it most.

“My Soyeon,” she mumbled, a tear running down her cheek. “My beautiful girl. How could they do this to you?”

Mic and Mac’s outrage made sense now. The pain they must have felt, knowing that some man had destroyed their sister’s virginity before she’d even made sense of the world. Sometimes she wondered if Soyeon herself understood the world around her, despite her age. She shook her head. With a situation so similar, it must be fate.

Or what if it was her bad energy? She should stay away from Soyeon, she told herself. But, how? Soyeon- the first girl she’d ever loved, who needed all the love she could get- was being let down by her? Minnie?

But she couldn’t help it.

The door opened, and she sat up instantly.

“Jagiya,” Miyeon smiled, closing the door behind her. “Aw, don’t cry, Min.”

“I know I shouldn’t be,” she heard the crack in her voice, dabbing at her eyes as she prepared herself for the warmth of Miyeon’s body beside her.

Miyeon lay down, kissing her forehead while Minnie wrapped her arms around her. “She’s asleep. Soojin calms her down.”

Minnie nodded. “Miyeonnie, did anyone in the group do ballet? Other than Soyeon?”

Miyeon frowned. “Weird question, Minnie-ah… No, I don’t- oh, Soojin. Yeah, Soyeon and Soojin. Shuhua’d never taken a dance class in her life.”

“Okay,” she accepted. Soojin was already in a situation of her own. It checks out.

“Why?”

She shrugged. “I’m sorry I wasn’t out there with you. I should-“

“You shouldn’t do anything,” Miyeon wiped her face. “I understand. You need time. I guess Soyeon too doesn’t enjoy all the attention, but in the end, it’s what she needs.”

“It’s good that you’re taking care of her.”

“You can too, Minnie-ah. But I understand. Do you want me to go?”

“Can you stay for a bit?”

“Yuqi would have to join us,” she laughed. “Poor puppy’s in the living room by herself.”

Minnie smiled at the thought. “Cutie. Go and get her.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

21^st December 2022

Soyeon stirred awake, opening her eyes gradually as she palmed the other side of the bed for the warm company she benefitted from the entire night. When she realised it was no longer there, she shot up, heart racing as she scrambled off the bed.

“Where is he?” he asked herself, hastily dressing herself properly. “D-did he leave? Oh no, did I do something wrong?!”

She darted out of the bedroom, scrambling down the stairs to where the man in question was cooking.

“Oh, nuna,” he smiled as she wandered into the kitchen in confusion, placing a plate on the table. “Eat. It’s all for you,” he placed the pan in front of her as she sat down, eyes wide open. He laughed, as he plated her up, handing her a pair of chopsticks. “It’s Chinese food…”

“O-oh…”

Her body was still shaking from fear of abandonment, so much so that he could hear her knee knocking against the underside of the table. “Calm down,” he placed a hand on hers, realising that there was no way she was going to be able to feed herself. He sat down and slid closer to her, taking the chopsticks from her hand as he quietly fed her. “I told you,” he wiped her mouth, “I wasn’t going to leave you.” Her hands clutched his jumper tightly. “Tell me when you’re full.”

After a few minutes, she did, as she sat back watching him put everything away.

“I’ll leave the rest in the fridge,” he wrapped everything up, before sitting back down. He slid a glass of water and medicine in front of her. “Take it.”

She nodded eagerly, downing the water and the pills as quickly as she could.

He watched her carefully. “Nuna, I saw some blood on you last night. I think you need to shower so you can see where it came from.

She stood up, Oscar lifting her off the floor as he took her back up the stairs to the bathroom.

“I’ll leave you to it-“

“N-no.”

“What?!”

“Please don’t leave.”

“No, nuna, as in… I’ll give you privacy. I’ll wait in your room.”

“N-no, please…”

He watched her in confusion. “You want me to be in here? Okay…”

He turned around, hearing her undress behind him before the shower turned on.

“I didn’t mean for it to get this bad,” she began. “It was so simple, but it went off the rails so quickly.”

“Why didn’t you stop?”

“I didn’t know how. The point was that I’d get over my ex, and the pain of just… everything. Life hasn’t been easy recently. I thought… you know, sex, was the way to go. I thought I was over my past, but that very first night, I realised things would never be the same.”

“I’m sure they will be. Maybe one year isn’t enough for you.”

“I feel like an incompetent child,” he heard her smack the wall. “I’ll never be able to grow up and be stable. Everything I do gets me in a mess.”

“You just fell into it the wrong way.”

She shook her head. “If I told the girls, they’d think I was asking for it. Asking for myself to be… you know… j-just for the attention. It’s not true,” she sobbed. “I promise you- it’s not!”

“I believe you, nuna. But, you could have stopped when you realised it was hurting you.”

“Back then I didn’t care. Whether it hurt or not, I just wanted to dissociate from the world around me.”

“I know. Sso, you’re not a bad person. The girls would never think that of you.”

She sighed. “C-can you turn around? I can’t see behind myself.”

He did as so, opening the glass cabinet as the shower turned off. “There are bruises. Do you have any cream?”

She nodded, turning back around. He flinched. “You saw me yesterday… o-oh, I’m sorry.”

He was about to leave, but she stopped him. “Hm?”

“Stay in here. I- I just… I just want to feel something.”

He frowned in confusion, groaning in conflict. He had a girlfriend. Doing anything like this felt wrong, but at the same time, the poor girl before him hadn’t felt a touch of warmth or even an embrace in a very long time. It was natural that he cared about her, but was he supposed to act on it?

He took his clothes off, keeping his underwear on as he re entered. She launched herself against him, burying her small face in his chest as he turned the overhead shower on, drenching both of them from head to toe.

“Thank you,” she sighed in relief, feeling his hands hold her from behind. “Thank you for staying.”

“Of course.”

They held each other in silence, the water cascading down both of their bodies. “So, how do you know Shuhua?”

“We’re in a relationship.”

She gasped, pulling away immediately. “W-what? I- I- I’m s-so-“

“Calm down,” he pulled her back in. “I know, this won’t go much further than this is now. She knows I’m here, don’t worry.” He turned the shower off, leading her out and wrapping her in a towel, and then himself.

“How long for?”

“I think… on and off, a year. But, we became serious a few weeks ago.”

“A- a year?! But she was with Soojin…” she trailed off as they walked to the bedroom.

“I don’t know, honestly. I just trusted her word. She said that they weren’t going to be able to be together, so that’s when I allowed myself to step in.”

“She was right, but they only officially broke up in September I thought…”

“She said back in January to me. Maybe in September she gave a proper goodbye. She told me about the whole contract situation.”

Soyeon nodded slowly. “Shuhua,” she mumbled, dressing herself. “I- I… I said some things that I should have never said.”

“I know.”

“She told you?”

“Not everything.”

She shook her head. “That poor baby. She just wanted company and to know about her future. I told her things I knew she believed about herself, but I’m sure she thinks it’s what I think of her.”

“She’s hurt. You’re right. She thinks you meant it.”

“No, no I didn’t. I’m awful. I know. It’s the power of knowing insecurities. You can take advantage of others. It’s wrong. I was drunk, severely. I think she knew. I think she even mentioned it. That was probably when I shut her down. Little angel. I took advantage of being the one who protects her. She’s my biggest responsibility, especially after what happened to her.”

“You’re not perfect.”

“I’ve fucked up too many times. I wouldn’t be surprised if she wants to quit.”

“Yes, but you’re more than just friends. You’re family- the six of you. She wouldn’t abandon it just because of a few words.”

“I know, but what I said- she’s been scared about since Soojin left. It’s hard to tell her that she’s not at fault, so what I said erased everything I worked for.” She turned around. “When you get home, tell her I love her. Tell her how much I love her.”

“Of course. Look, she doesn’t doubt that. She doubts your true opinions of her. I’m sorry nuna, but I can’t help you alone. You’ll have to see her at some point.”

“Now?! I can’t let her see me like this!”

“Then… give yourself time. If you need help, call her. Call one of the other members. You need to maintain the connections for your own health. You’re shutting yourself away from the world. There were so many ways to get over the past, and the present, even by yourself.”

She nodded. “I won’t keep you. I’m sure she’s been missing you.”

“I haven’t checked my phone since before I got to you,” he admitted, walking over to hug her. “You’ll be okay. No one will come anymore. Just focus on yourself, and your passion. The rest will follow.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Minnie perked up when she heard her front door open, relaxing at the familiar sound of her girlfriend.

“Where did you go?” Minnie asked as she entered the kitchen, busy cutting up vegetables.

“To see Shuhua,” Miyeon kissed her cheek, undoing her coat and placing it in the cabinet. “Hey, you should rest. I’ll cook.”

“It’s fine. I was missing this dish so I asked my brother to send me the recipe.”

“It smells good,” Miyeon moved back to her, wrapping her arms around her from behind. “How’s Mac? Is he around?”

“He had to go back to Thailand, but when he returns to Seoul he can pay a visit.”

“He works in therapy, right?”

“No, psychology. He deals with the science of it, I suppose.”

“Why? It doesn’t sound that interesting.”

Minnie flushed red. “Y-yeah. I told him, but he likes it, I guess.”

Miyeon’s arms tightened around her waist. “Minnie-ah, do you hate me?”

“No. Why?”

“I just thought you did. I’m sorry I argued with Yuqi. In the end, she and Soyeon are also struggling. I just… didn’t see the knock-on effects.”

Minnie turned around to kiss her. “No, I shouted at you for no reason. Miyeon, I’m sorry,” she began to slur, grabbing onto Miyeon’s front.

“Min- Minnie? Minnie?” she gasped, pulling her forwards as she slumped against her, collapsing on the floor unconsciously.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Shuhua shot up from the sofa, dogs running to the front door when it slammed shut.

“Oscar?”

She made it to the corridor, gasping as he turned around to face her, eyes red.

“H-how is she?”

He shook his head slowly, dropping his bag to the floor as he began to cry, pushing away from her as he stormed through to the living room.

“Oscar, seriously, what happened?”

“D-don’t make me do that again!” he shouted through his tears, wiping his face quickly. “I’m sorry. You shouldn’t see me like this.”

“Oscar,” Shuhua came up behind him placing a hand on his shoulder.

He turned around, sitting down slowly. “She… She’s not well,” he cried. “I’ve never seen anything like it. N- no one should ever be as desperate as she was t-to feel love- I- I- I don’t understand. Sh-she thought I was going to abuse her-“

“Calm down,” Shuhua kneeled in front of him. “You stayed the night with her, right?”

“Of course! Sh- she was so scared that I was going to leave her. She grabbed onto me the whole night. She was crying when she was awake and when she was asleep, n-not to mention that she didn’t stop shaking from fear.”

“Oh my god,” Shuhua averted her gaze. “So, w-why?”

He groaned. “It’s so much. Essentially sh-she’s isolating herself because she thinks she’ll be better off without anyone around her, but clearly she needs the support she’s avoiding.”

She wrapped her arms around him. “Don’t cry,” she kissed his forehead. “She’ll be okay.”

“You need to get her into therapy,” he begged. “She was bleeding when I found her. Those men have ravished her-“

“I know, I know,” she wiped his face.

“I’m sorry. You shouldn’t see me like this.”

“Showing emotions? Oscar, you care about my best friend. I- if anything it proves why I love you.”

He looked up, confused. “L-love?”

She blushed. “You care. That’s all I wanted.” She pecked his lips. “Did you stop the men from seeing her?”

“Yes. She’s safe now.”

“Well, it’s okay, then. She’s independent. She knows what to do. She may seem all over the place, but mentally, she knows how to put herself together.”

He kissed her again. “She told me to tell you some things,” he remembered. “She said that she loves you. She told me to tell you how much she loves you, but I guess it’s hard for me to describe. She regrets everything she said to you. I agree, she was… she wasn’t mentally in a good place. But she loves you, dearly, and doesn’t want you to forget it.”

Shuhua nodded. “I know. I love her too. I always have.” She swallowed. “Thank you for doing this,” Shuhua kissed his forehead, and then his lips once more. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

20^th June 2003

“She’s become quieter,” Nicha’s mother sighed, watching her doing her homework at the table. “She doesn’t talk to anyone. She barely eats. Her school said she’s not focussed in lessons.” She turned to her husband. “I feel stupid.”

“No, you weren’t.”

“I was! How didn’t I notice?”

“Kids can be dramatic! It’s normal-“

“I cost her her childhood. Her innocence. She’s only five-“

“She’ll be fine.”

She walked into the room, sitting beside her daughter and kissing her head.

“Let’s get some ice cream,” she suggested, folding up the workbooks.

“But you said I need to do my homework!”

“Do it later,” she took her pencil, lifting her onto her lap. “Nicha,” she kissed her forehead, squeezing her tightly. “I love you, so, so much.”

“I know,” she smiled, her voice barely above a whisper. Her mother felt her heart break.

“Little beauty,” she gushed over her, doing her best to stop herself from crying. “Come,” she put her down, standing up and taking her hand.

“What about Mic and Mac?”

She thought for a moment, before bending to her height. “What if it’s just us, for a change?” she suggested. Nicha nodded without a word.

Notes:

i promise i have not killed yuqi off xoxo

Chapter 19: it’s not enough

Notes:

yall i got distracted and started 2 more series oh me oh my

some mimin mess coming soon xx

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

“So what do we do?” Shuhua sighed. “We can’t just leave her like that.”

“You said she has a therapist,” Oscar reminded. “Call her.”

“Jimin? Seriously?”

“Yes! She needs someone. Anyone, at this rate.”

“Maybe I should find her parents.”

Oscar made a face. “Do you really want to do that?”

Shuhua paused. “Jimin it is.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“M-Miyeon!” Minnie shot up, heaving. Miyeon beside her scrambled to flick the light switch on, grabbing her girlfriend and embracing her tightly as she began to cry.

“Minnie-ah, it’s okay,” Miyeon kissed her head.

“W-what-“

“You fainted, remember?”

She looked around. “Am I at home?”

“Yes…?”

She lay back down in relief. “Thank you for not sending me back,” she turned to her. “I thought you would.”

“Back to hospital? Nicha,” she kissed her lips, resting her head against her chest. “I wouldn’t do that without asking you.”

Minnie grabbed her. “You’re staying, right?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“So,” Shuhua smirked, gazing at him hungrily as she undid her blouse. Oscar watched from the bed with a smirk. “How are we feeling today?”

He watched her strip herself slowly, unzipping her skirt and pulling it off before standing in front of him proudly. “I think we both know: it’s you that we’re concerned about.”

“And I’m perfect,” she flicked her hair, turning around and unclipping her bra.

He groaned, watching it falling down her arms, getting tossed to the side. “You’re seriously doing this to me?”

“Uh-huh,” she turned around, long hair covering her chest as she walked slowly to the bed. “You can do the honours,” she straddled him, taking his hands and placing them on her pelvis.

He smirked, moving one hand to rub her at her crotch, feeling the fabric dampen. She shut her eyes with a moan, taking one of her breasts and squeezing it while he touched her. “I have an idea,” he leaned up to meet her lips, before lifting her and lying her on the bed. “I’ve never done this before, but I have a feeling that you’ll like it.”

She smiled as he moved to her crotch, pulling her underwear down and discarding it. “I have a feeling I know what it is,” she spread her legs for him, holding them apart as he attached his lips to her pussy. She groaned, feeling him suck out her juices, before drinking up the fluid that had deposited around her clit. He kissed it over and over, sucking on it until she moaned, feeling her become wetter and wetter.

Shuhua watched him with glassy eyes, hand against the back of his head as she held his face against her.

“Oh my god,” she threw her head back when he placed his tongue inside of her, tongue-fucking her suddenly. “Oh my god. Oppa, I’m going to cum.”

He pulled away immediately, putting her legs down as he undressed himself. “I can’t let you cum now,” he mumbled. She raised her eyebrows, watching him strip to nothing.

“Hey, Oscar,” she took his shaft in her hand. “We don’t need a condom this time,” she winked.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I’m ready.”

They smiled, Shuhua lying down as he kneeled above her, beating himself before placing it at her entrance. She rolled her hips slightly, feeling his tip against her skin.

“J-just put it in,” she begged desperately, Oscar doing as she said as he slowly pushed himself inside of her. Her eyelids fluttered shut. “All the way,” she spread her legs wider, feeling him reach his full depth. “Shit,” she mumbled. “I- I can feel everything.”

He placed his hands on her, pushing himself in and out as she let out soft moans of both pleasure and relief. “You’re adorable,” he kissed her forehead. “Are you comfortable?”

She gave a hasty nod, pulling him down to kiss him. “O-oppa, this feels so good,” she gazed into his eyes desperately as he continued to fuck her. “G-go harder.”

He stroked her leg. “Shu, it’s not safe. I don’t want to damage you,” she kissed her cheek. “I’ll go faster, but I don’t want to risk hurting you.”

She nodded, feeling him up the pace. Her moans became louder and higher pitched. “I love you,” she groaned with watery eyes. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, angel,” their lips met once more.

“W-will you do it inside of me?” she asked quietly. “You can.”

“Do you want me to?”

“P-please,” she begged. “I’m cumming,” she whispered into his ear barely, legs shaking slightly as she rode out her orgasm against his crotch.

“Good girl,” he nibbled at her neck. “I’m close.”

“I can feel it,” she smiled. “That’s it,” she eased him as deep as she could, feeling his liquid fill her up. It felt hot, and almost comforting as it filled the void that was left inside of her when he pulled out. Keeping her hips tilted up, she sighed in relief.

“Beauty.”

“Handsome,” she touched his shaft, rubbing her thumb against the tip. Her other hand patted her lower belly adorably.

“What?”

“You know what I am?” she asked him with a soft, peaceful smile.

“What?”

“Shu-cream puff,” she yawned.

He raised his eyebrow, letting out a loud laugh he was unable to suppress. “Ch-Choux- choux cream puff?” he lay down beside her, placing his hand over hers on her stomach.

“Shu-cream,” she corrected, dropping her knees to the bed. “I’m tired.”

“I’ll be here when you wake up,” he kissed her deeply. “I love you, Shuhua.”

Shuhua smiled, nuzzling against his chest before falling asleep happily.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“SOYEON?!”

Soyeon winced as her name rang through the house, despite the source being right outside the door. The slams against it were solid, and she knew it could only be one person seeking her out.

“Unnie,” she opened it tiredly.

Jimin’s mouth parted anxiously, stepping inside and embracing the girl tightly. “Soyeon-ah,” she held her. “Soyeon-ah, you need to talk to me,” she begged. Shutting the door behind her, she picked up the younger girl, placing her on her lap on the sofa. Soyeon dove at her, burying her face in her neck as she began to cry against her, the familiar, comforting smell of her perfume bringing her back to reality.

“Jimin,” she sobbed, fists clutching her hair.

Jimin kissed her forehead, cradling the girl as she did her best to stop her own tears from falling, but she knew it wasn’t working. She pushed the smaller girl away, grabbing her by the shoulders as she stared at her angrily.

“What were you doing?!” she shouted, letting out a sob she didn’t want to express. “Why?!”

“I’m sorry,” Soyeon cried.

“Why did you let them do that to you?!” she continued, shaking her back and forth, gripping her tightly. “Why didn’t you tell me you were struggling?!”

“I don’t know,” she sobbed back.

Jimin swatted her side in her anguish, pulling the girl back in as she buried her face in her shoulder. “My baby. My little-“ she cut herself off, pulling away and staring into her eyes. “W-why did you do it?”

“I don’t know,” she repeated with some composure. Jimin shook her head.

“This is so fucked up,” she gritted through her teeth.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Dear Soyeon,

I feel disgusted by myself. I wish this same feeling was there when I began. There’s no going back now.

I wonder if she’s working on the album, or if I’ll have to see the girls anytime soon in this state. I used to avoid Shuhua because she frustrated me, but now it’s in my best interest to shield her from things like this. She’s so pure, and I know she’s an adult, but if I could protect her from the entire world, of course I would.

I didn’t know she could move on from Soojin so quickly. Oscar, hm? I can understand. He’s… wonderful. Patient, and kind. I saw nothing but love and respect in his eyes whenever he looked at me. She deserves him. She really, really does. I just know how hard we works for her, and he much he adores her. She needs him too, I guess. She’s had it rough as well.

It’s been a few days since anyone has been over. I feel… happier… I suppose. There’s no other word to explain it. Perhaps relieved, but I wasn’t too stressed to begin with. I feel weak still. But I’m Yuqi. I have to be strong.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

17^th May 2021

“I have confirmation that she’s in the building,” Minnie nodded, hanging up the phone and placing it aside. “Now, Shu, Mina told us about your sister, but we want to hear it from you.”

“I know, unnie,” Shuhua sighed.

“So?” Miyeon moved to the edge of her seat.

“Meiling transferred here. Sunhwa Arts. My umma finally let her pursue her dreams of ballet... which she didn’t tell Soyeon about, but I’m sure she’ll be proud of her.”

Later that day, Minnie found herself in her studio, having checked on Siyu. Meiling was in Korea for ballet, as Shuhua had mentioned, but was assaulted in her first week of staying away from home.

She sank in her chair. She knew her hypothesis was right.

‘Ballet isn’t really ballet unless you live in America, or England. Ballet here is just… another word for pain,’ she told herself.

She looked to the corner of the table. The snacks Soyeon had bought for her were ones she used to eat all the time as a child. Picking up one of the biscuits, she gulped, remembering that she was first introduced to the brand by the man who was supposed to take her to dance classes. Well, he did, but it wasn’t the only thing he did.

She tossed them all in the bin, slamming her head against the piano, a loud, jarring noise startling her.

She wished she could talk to Meiling, and tell her that she knew exactly what it was like- that things could get better if she helped herself. She’d be a hypocrite if she said that. Had she truly moved on?

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

21^st December 2022

“You don’t understand, Soyeon-ah,” Jimin mumbled, having calmed down. The pair sat beside each other on the floor, Soyeon gazing at her inquisitively.

“How did you find out?”

“Shuhua’s boyfriend called me and explained everything. But, you don’t understand.”

“What?”

She hesitated. “Soyeon, I mean it when I say that I love you. You were difficult when we first met, but I always had a soft spot for you.” She paused for the younger to make a sarcastic remark, but nothing came. “You’re the type of person that anyone would want to protect. Being adorable isn’t just being… cute. There’s more to it. You’re intelligent, and bright. You have an intriguing personality. You’re different from most K-Pop girls doing it for the fame. You have passions. That’s why you garner so much respect and adoration.”

“Am I not cute?” she flicked out her double eyelids.

“I was getting to that. You’re small, and a girl. You’re the prime example of people who can be taken advantage of.”

“I’m smart!”

“No,” she sighed. “You may be smart, but that doesn’t change other people’s perceptions. Oscar told me he saw the things they left for you. They were infantilising you. It wasn’t as innocent as you thought it was. They truly were predators.”

She shook her head. “I’m not a child.”

“Size wise, you are.”

Soyeon scowled, as it slowly dawned on her. “Pedophiles,” she nodded. “Is that why a few of them made me call them ‘appa’?” she tilted her head.

Jimin felt her heart shatter. She leaned over to kiss the girl’s cheek, resting her forehead against her. “I’m sorry you had to go through that,” she whispered, holding her tightly. “God knows what else they’re doing.”

“What if they’re part of the gang from last year?”

“I’ll go to the police station tomorrow,” she nodded. “You’ll have to come with me. We’ll also need to find you therapy.”

“Huh? You’re my therapist!”

Jimin turned to her. “I can’t be anymore, Sso. I’m sorry.”

“Why not?!” she sat up, staring at her closely.

“We’re too close. I’m too emotionally invested in… you. You need someone who wouldn’t react emotionally like I would.”

“You’re enough,” Soyeon begged. “Please?!”

“I’m not leaving you,” she kissed her forehead. “I’m just saying. I can’t be your therapist anymore.”

She slid down, resting herself against her. “You won’t leave me,” she repeated, slumped on her back. “You promise?”

“I do,” she held her hand.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

22^nd December 2022

“Have you ever had fried ice cream?” Oscar turned to her, after three rounds of morning sex.

“Dude, we just fucked. Give it a minute.”

“No, seriously. There’s this Christmas market that had it last year. Do you want to go?”

Shuhua looked at him in confusion. “What, now? At eight in the morning?”

“It’s a bit far from here. I can drive us.”

“I mean… sure? If you want? I don’t really mind, honestly.”

He took her hand. “We’re getting quite serious with this,” he gestured to themselves. “Essentially twice in a day.”

“What? No it isn’t,” she protested. “But I agree. But you’re good in bed! What am I supposed to do about it?!”

“I’m not complaining,” Oscar laughed. “I think it’s good. I’m fine with it.”

“I’m more than fine with it,” she insisted, flipping on her side. “I love you.”

He kissed her gently, sucking her ever so softly. “I love you too.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

11^th February 2011

“Are you depressed, or stressed?” Mac punched her.

“How about annoyed?” she grumbled, swatting him away. “I have this stupid project to complete for this stupid class no one cares about!”

He sat beside her, reading over the notes she laid in front of her. He winced, realising the topic, gathering up the sheets. “Wow-“

“Hey, put those down. I need to read them to even start this.”

“Is this compulsory?!”

“If wasn’t, would I be here right now?”

He looked down at them. “You know what the project is about, right?”

“No,” she made a face. “Each person got assigned something different. Now stop with the stupid questions!” she snatched the pages back, flicking through them quickly.

“What subject is this for?”

“Health education,” she mumbled, reading through the words. She looked up when she understood her brother’s awkwardness, sighing. “I know you want to protect me from all of this, but I’m not stupid. I know what happened, and I know why too.”

“R-really?”

“I’m not five anymore,” she put the sheets down.

“Will you be okay doing the project?” he asked quietly. “If it’s something you’re not comfortable in doing, we can talk to your teacher and he can give you something else to do instead. Or, ask your friend to switch.”

She shook her head. “It’s part of the real world. I can’t just avoid it,” she sighed. “Seriously. Sex with a five year old? Was he that sad?”

He opened her arms for her. “I don’t want to shield you from the world, but at the same time, you’re still young. Our parents think you’ve changed ever since. They can’t tell whether you being quiet is from that or just puberty.”

She shrugged. “Am I supposed to tell you?”

“No,” he hugged her tightly. “I get it. It’s awkward to talk about it now that you understand it, but you’ll come to new realisations, and it’s so important to just let it out. If you’re uncomfortable, you should tell someone. Just like with this project.”

She sighed. “Thank you for caring, but I’m fine,” she insisted, pulling away and averting her gaze. “Can you go now? I need to finish this, I guess.”

He stood up, patting her back, sympathetically before leaving as she asked- quick enough to miss the silent tears that fell down her face as soon as his presence was missing.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

22^nd December 2022

“So, what’s the matter?” the officer asked over the table. Jimin sat back in the chair, squeezing Soyeon’s hand beside her. She could feel Soyeon panicking at the sight of him, her whole body tensing up as he spoke.

“I’m suggesting the possibility of pedophilia. I have the identities of a few people I think you should check out. They’re using her for their kinks,” Jimin replied bluntly.

The man’s mouth opened and shut. “Miss, how old are you?”

“Twenty five,” she mumbled.

He gave a good luck at her, before turning to his phone and seemingly messaging someone. After a few seconds, he looked back up. “How did it all happen?”

“It was just sex. I didn’t realise it until they started giving me childish clothes and made me say things,” she spoke ambiguously.

The officer nodded, turning his attention to the door when a knock sounded. “Come in.”

A woman walked in, dressed in the same attire. “Hi,” she smiled warmly at Soyeon, putting her at ease. Soyeon perked up when the man stood to leave.

“She’ll take over. This is Seoah.”

They kissed quickly in the entrance, and she took his place.

“So, explain everything to me,” she nodded, picking up the pen.

“It was so I could take my mind off things. It wasn’t supposed to be ungodly. Well, maybe it is, but not in the way it ended up. I came across this bar made for things like this, and the man running it said I could sleep with people without having to make a whole big deal of it. Men would come around and we would do it, but when I told them that I was raped before, they didn’t care. It hurt just as much, even if it was consensual. I guess I can’t complain about that.”

“You can still complain,” the officer encouraged. “They didn’t respect your wishes. That’s still assault.”

She gulped. “They started leaving money around. I- I didn’t want any money from this, but they still did it. I don’t know what to do with it, really. The man running it said that I should keep it and spend it on the damage control.”

“They left childish things. I’m just saying, I think there’s more to them than we think,” Jimin finished off.

The officer nodded. “I understand. Things like this are common, unfortunately. I know Soyeon here didn’t account for this to happen. Don’t worry, nothing here is your fault. I recommend you look into therapy, and take some tests for your own health.”

Soyeon agreed silently. “I’ll be with her,” Jimin nodded.

“Okay, so, I’ve made a note of it. I understand that there’s more but I’ll take it from you at a later date. For now, what is the relationship between you and her?”

They turned to each other in confusion. “It’s complicated,” Jimin spoke. Soyeon agreed with a hasty nod.

Seoah gave them a look, before writing what they said. “Alright. We’ll be in touch. Thanks,” she stood out, about to leave before two arms wrapped around her from behind. She turned around quickly, neck somewhat experiencing whiplash, as she was taken aback by the sudden embrace.

“Thank you,” Soyeon mumbled, “for taking it seriously.”

She wanted to push her away, since the whole ordeal was clearly unprofessional, but the warmth around her made her remember the true importance of her own job. She lifted her away gently, squeezing her hands and bending to her height.

“Don’t worry, Soyeon-ah. You’re safe now,” she winked at Jimin, before leaving the room.

Notes:

i'm not good enough for kinktober okay

Chapter 20: i like you, but i'm nervous!

Notes:

totally didn't accidentally update the wrong work with this

Chapter Text

After slipping out of the room, Seoah dove straight for her office.

“Why did you want me to do the case?” she shut the door, staring at her boyfriend. “It’s your job too. You can’t keep passing things up because you want a longer lunchbreak. That girl was scared to death, if you didn’t notice,” she sat at her desk, still staring at him. The man avoided all eye contact.

“I don’t know,” he mumbled, Seoah gritting her teeth to stop herself from causing a scene.

“Poor thing,” she turned her attention back to the case. “Men like that need help. It could have damaged her career if it didn’t stop.”

“Jeon Soyeon,” he spoke up. “I recognised her.”

“Well why wouldn’t you? She’s a celebrity, after all. She’s been through a lot too. Her girl group lost a member last year- apparently her closest friend. She seems to have been a target before,” she dropped her volume, flicking through the digital records. “Of course. She was a victim of that sex scandal last year. You know, the chatroom one?” she scoffed. “Thank god you had nothing to do with it. I was beginning to lose my faith in Korean policemen to begin with.”

His silence caught her attention.

“What? Are you hiding something? Seriously, why did you text me for help? All you had to do was take notes about the case. And don’t give me that ‘I was feeling emotional’ bullshit.”

“I recognised her,” he repeated.

She gave him a look. “Yes, we’ve established that. What’s your point?”

His breath hitched in his throat, and Seoah completely turned to look at him, eyebrows raised. “I didn’t know it was her,” he whispered.

“What?”

“I didn’t know,” he sighed. She stood up slowly, walking towards him and his computer. “I gave her the clothes,” he revealed.

She grabbed his laptop, taking it to her desk. “I can’t believe you,” she spat.

“No! No, what are you doing?” he stood up, lurching over to grab her from behind, trying to hurl her away from his device. Others around the room stood up at the commotion, immediately stepping in to help.

“Oh I swear,” she growled, clicking through it quickly, before something on the screen made her face pale.

She slammed the screen down, with a groan, turning slowly to the officer behind her, who was held back by their colleagues.

“Someone’s under arrest,” she rolled her eyes. “I knew there was something off about you.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

23^rd December 2022

Soojin yawned, pulling herself out of the arms of her sleeping fiancé when she heard her doorbell ring.

“Soyeon-ah?!” her eyes widened, dragging her inside quickly and slamming the door behind her. “Soyeon, what are you doing?!”

“I’m sorry,” Soyeon mumbled, hugging her tightly. “I just- it became too much.”

“I know,” Soojin kissed her head, holding her in the doorway.

Soyeon pulled away quickly. “Is he here?” she frowned.

“He’s upstairs,” she took her hand, leading her away from the stairs. “It’s quite early.”

“I’m sorry,” she repeated, sitting down when Soojin did.

“Don’t be, baby lion,” she mumbled, grabbing a folded blanket and draping it over them both. Soyeon buried her face in her chest, curling up beside her.

“I missed you.”

“I missed you more,” she whispered. “Don’t worry. You can stay with me for today.”

She looked up. “You won’t push me away?” she frowned.

“Not today,” she kissed her head once more.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

25^th December 2022- CHRISTMAS DAY

Minnie rolled over the best she could in her small hospital bed, grumbling as the light from the window shone straight at her face, startling her awake. She blinked a few times to wake herself up properly, seeing her alarm clock showing only seven in the morning.

“But it’s Christmas,” she sighed, sitting up anyway. Of course, there were only two types of people on Christmas day- those who woke up early, and those who woke up very, very late.

Sitting up and knocking her bony back against the headboard, she pressed the button beside her to adjust the posture into a sitting position, before looking down onto the table to find a small red box and a letter beside it.

She yawned, reaching over to take the present in her lap. The nurse must have left it for her in the night. Santa wasn’t real, of course. Minnie knew that from a very young age.

Unfolding the envelope and pulling out the card, she recognised the small handwriting immediately on the pale cream coloured card.

“Ninnie-unnie, I hope you’re doing well. I know you don’t like me around you when you’re in hospital, and I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, so I thought I would drop this off overnight. I’m writing this on Christmas eve, but I know you’ll look so cute when you’re asleep!

I know this Christmas will be tough for all of us, but I’m begging you to stay strong. You’re my favourite unnie (don’t tell Miyeon; I told her the same thing a few weeks ago), and I wouldn’t be able to live freely if you weren’t there to support me throughout everything. I wish I could give you what you give me.

We usually spend Christmas together, so of course this year is much different from before. Stay cosy in your bed, or perhaps go on a walk with Miyeon? The lights around here are really beautiful, and I would hate for you to miss them.

Text me when you can unnie. I love you lots. Merry Christmas.”

Minnie pulled the letter close to her chest, smiling as she heard her maknae’s voice sound in her head.

“Merry Christmas, Shu,” she whispered, grabbing her phone from the desk immediately.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Shuhua stuffed her mitten covered hand into her pocket, the other gripping onto the wrapped box and envelope tightly, lest she was to drop them on the wet ground. She was approaching Miyeon’s front door, perhaps aware that Miyeon was either still asleep, or already at the hospital with Minnie.

She yawned. She’d broken into her ward at perhaps two in the morning, having been unable to asleep due to both the excitement and regret of not being with her friends as normal. Minnie was lucky to have Miyeon stick by her no matter what, even picking her over her family.

She shook her head, avoiding the doorbell and slipping both items into the letterbox.

“Merry Christmas unnie,” she smiled at the camera, waving with a soft smile. “Stay well.”

She turned away, her watch displaying a glowing “04:00” in the dark of the night. She sighed. Oscar was going to give Soyeon and Yuqi theirs later that day, but how about Soojin?

She bit her tongue. Was it worth tiptoeing around Soyeon to sneak her ex a gift? After all, they were still close, and some instinct told her that Soyeon herself wasn’t practicing what she’d preached to the other members.

“What would I say?” she mumbled, diving back into her car. There was little to talk about. ‘Merry Christmas’, ‘Stay healthy’, ‘I’ll see you soon’…?

She shook her head. It had been less than a year, and she’d already forgotten how to make conversation with the older girl.

“To make things easier,” she sighed at her conclusion, “I guess I’ll leave her out.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

In the more practical hours of the morning, Oscar found himself driving to the same house he had found himself in only a few days prior. He felt a sense of trepidation looming in his heart as he parked on her driveway, noticing the absence of the smashed car that was there the last time he was.

The gifts were stacked in his hands, that shook with both cold and anxiety, as he made his way to the front door with shaky steps. Was he supposed to knock, or just leave in the box and pretend he never came?

He shook his head at his naivety, wracking his knuckles against the door.

It took a few minutes to open, a tired, red faced Soyeon, opening the door slowly.

“O-oh, Oscar? You’re here? Merry Christmas,” she yawned. “Come in,” she stepped aside, allowing him space to enter.

“Merry Christmas, nuna,” he smiled warmly, closing the door and bending down to hug her gently.

She mustered a smile, taking the letter and present from his hands and bowing as much as she could. “Th-thank you,” she sighed.

Oscar sat her down, kneeling in front of her to match her height. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” she gulped, eyelids drooping slightly.

“Tired?” She nodded. “Aren’t you seeing your family today?”

“I can’t,” she shrugged. “I wasn’t very welcoming to my sister when she came earlier.”

He clicked his tongue. “Hey, she’s your sister. She’ll understand what you went through.”

“Maybe. I also don’t have a car to get there,” she mumbled, hands shaking slightly with the gift in hand.

He shook his head. “Come, let’s get you dressed. I’ll drive you over.”

“It’s not worth it.”

“It is,” he insisted, grabbing her hands and standing up. “Of course it is. Don’t you think your parents would want to see their little girl?” She couldn’t argue with that.

She followed him up the stairs, staring palely at her closet as they entered. “It’s been a while,” she sighed, gravitating towards one section that had warmer clothes than the other. “Is this nice?” she pulled out a tartan dress, that Oscar nodded to.

“Of course it is,” he left to give her privacy, waiting for her to change. He expected a longer time to himself, considering Soyeon’s lack of stability.

She emerged with makeup and her hair brushed neatly, clothes pristine and warm. “How do I look?” she asked innocently.

“Beautiful,” he smiled, taking her hand.

She smiled too. “It’s been a while since I’ve done this.”

“Done what?”

“Dress up for myself. We’ve had schedules, but… you know, it’s not the same,” she sighed, resting her head against his shoulder, before moving to put on her shoes, as he did too.

Standing up, Oscar pulled her into a hug, massaging her neck and shoulders with both hands as he felt her arms wrap around him.

“You ready?” he smiled, gesturing her out as he grabbed his keys.

The drive was long and quiet, Oscar’s gift lying on her lap as her knee trembled in anticipation.

“They’ll be happy to see me, right?”

“Of course,” he reassured her.

“I didn’t buy any gifts. I barely pulled myself together.”

“It’s okay, nuna. To your sister especially, you being there is enough of a gift as it is,” he pulled up in front of the house. “I’ll watch you go in.”

She nodded, unbuckling her seatbelt. “Thank you for everything,” she bowed her head, slowly opening the car door and slipping out. Oscar sat back in his seat, watching her move to the front door, that she knocked on with hesitation.

The door swung open in less than a few seconds, a few screams of happiness emerging from the doorway, as he watched Soyeon get dragged in by two pairs of hands.

“Unnie! You came?!” he heard a voice, similar to Soyeon’s, shout.

“Y-yeah…”

“I missed you,” she hugged her tightly. “Oh god, unnie, we were so worried you wouldn’t come.”

The door shut as she was whisked away into the house. Oscar turned his attention back to his wheel, a tear running down his cheek that he hadn’t realised was there before.

He shook his head, his thoughts of his own sister arising in the moment, that he did his best to shove down as he gripped onto it tightly. With a deep breath, he composed himself, allowing himself to drive away calmly.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“I’m not going to die,” Minnie announced with a smile.

Miyeon choked on her saliva. “W-what?”

“I’ve decided that I’m going to live,” she nodded, allowing her into her bed.

“That’s good… Min, I didn’t know that you were thinking like that.”

She shrugged. “I’ve decided life’s not worth dying over.”

“W-what are you on about?”

She shrugged again. “I don’t know, really.”

Miyeon chuckled. “Well, merry Christmas to you too, angel. Have your family called yet?”

“They will this afternoon. Hey, are you going to see your parents? I know Christmas means a lot to your family.”

“Yeah… I don’t know. I want to be with you here. They don’t mind.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course,” she winked. “They’ll have us both over when you get better.”

“Are they sure?”

“Yes,” she frowned. “Of course they are. Minnie, they love you, and they love the fact that I’m with you. They just want to give you space and time to recover without overwhelming you. They talk about you a lot, and always asked about you.”

“Really?” she blushed. “That’s kind of them to care about me.”

Miyeon kissed her lips. “When we get married, you won’t be able to get rid of them.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Yuqi smiled, soaking in the chaos of the room she found herself in. Kimachi and Minami were wrestling on the floor for no apparently reason, while Jimin was busy putting up the final decorations on the Christmas tree, since no one had had enough time to do so.

“Where’s abeoji?” Yuqi asked inquisitively.

Minami sat up. “He’s in a very long KFC drive through. Why?”

“KFC?” Yuqi made a face, dumbfounded.

“It’s a Japanese tradition,” Jimin sat down on the floor beside her, pulling the gifts from under the tree. “I don’t understand it either,” she chuckled. Yuqi smiled.

“Thank you for having me Jimin,” she blushed.

“Of course, Yuqi-ah. This Christmas is tough for you and Minnie especially, since you’re unable to see your families.”

“I wish I could, and it’s unfortunate that I wasn’t able to book the flight. I don’t know, really. They forgave me for everything since I told them I’d done as they asked, but things won’t be the same for a long time.”

“It takes time, Yuqi-ah. Just let it be. Are you happy right now?”

“Yes, otherwise I would have been home alone, and you know how I am when I’m alone.”

“Can we do presents?” Minami frowned.

“Don’t you want to wait for appa?” Jimin smiled.

“Hm… well, we can do ours,” she compromised, pointing to herself, Yuqi and her girlfriend.

Jimin nodded, handing a box to Kimachi that said her name on it. It was small, and assumably a jewellery box. “Wow, green velvet,” she picked it up. “I didn’t even notice it under the tree. Who’s it for?”

“You, dumbass,” Minami kicked her gently.

Kimachi giggled. “Are you sure you want me to open it now?”

“Of course. It’s from all of us, actually. Not just me.”

She nodded slowly, opening the box and seeing a pair of keys lying inside. “Keys? Car… keys?”

Yuqi raised her eyebrows. “Is that why there’s that new white Kia on the drive?” she turned to Jimin slowly.

“HUH?!”

Kimachi sprang to the front door, everyone hearing the handle slam open, before a loud scream echoed through the hall and infiltrated into the living room.

She returned shortly.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” she threw herself at Jimin, who hugged her closely, patting her back comfortingly.

“No, we’re not. It’s new, but Minami insists that you’re a careful person.”

“N-no I am, it’s just… this is so expensive.”

“I’m a therapist,” she smirked, “and if I’m being honest, most of my salary came from CUBE itself.”

“She’s not wrong there,” Minami snorted.

“This is incredible,” Kimachi gushed, Minami giving her a peck on the cheek. “I love you all so much!”

“Love you too,” Minami giggled.

“G-guys, I have something for you,” Yuqi passed Minami a long shaped box, large in size.

“What is this?” Minami made a face, tearing apart the paper.

“You didn’t have to do this,” Jimin whispered in Yuqi’s ear. “It was such late notice. How did you have time?”

“I guess I’m not doing much these days anymore,” she laughed dryly, a skateboard emerging from the cardboard box.

“Oh my,” Minami moved it around in her hands. Kimachi was back in the air.

“You got the best brand! Well done!” she high fived her.

“Yeah…” Yuqi trailed off humbly. “S-Soyeon is big on skating. I guess I noticed the boards she had, and clearly she loved them dearly. I thought you both would do it together. They’re getting expensive nowadays.”

“No, we were talking about skating to work together a few days ago!” Minami grinned. “This is wonderful. “Thanks Woogs.”

“No problem, unnie. Actually, I have another gift for you and Kimachi,” she handed them an envelope. “I think you’ll like it,” she mumbled sheepishly.

Kimachi took it in her hands, opening it quickly, eyes bulging out of her face when she realised what the slips of paper inside it said.

“Oh my god,” Kimachi groaned, Minami snatching them out of her hands.

“T-tickets to Japan?! Business class?! Return flight??!!”

“I thought Kimachi would want to see her family for Christmas too, a-and just like you brought her to see your family, I thought she’d do the same for you.”

Kimachi nodded slowly, before picking up the pace in disbelief. “You’re crazy, Woogs. But thank you. This was so thoughtful. Thank you so much.”

“Of course,” she nodded.

Jimin placed an arm around her. “It’s a good gift,” she kissed her forehead. “Hey, you thought we didn’t get you something?”

Kimachi handed her a large box. “You’ll love this,” Minami wriggled her eyebrows, passing her a suitcase.

Yuqi tilted her head inquisitively, unzipping it and lifting off the lid. The suitcase contained a variety of different, vibrant colours, that had her in a state of hysteria.

“Gigi!” she shouted, diving into it, and grabbing the multiple dolls that lay in the suitcase. “I only had two!”

“We bought you one of every colour, and a few large ones as well,” Minami took out one of the bigger ones, placing it in her arms, and by now, the stack of cotton had reached beyond her face.

“Thank you so much!” she mumbled behind it in surprise.

“Hey, we all got what we wanted,” Kimachi smiled. “Best Christmas?”

“I think so,” Minami giggled.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

As their parents and grandmother left the room to work on lunch, Sohee and Soyeon remained in the living room by the tree, gazing at the mess around them.

“I’m sorry. I’ll buy them tomorrow,” Soyeon mumbled, having been the only one who hadn’t brought anything to the occasion.

“I think we needed you here more than your gifts,” Sohee smiled. “Don’t bother. We knew you were having a tough ride. The fact that you pulled yourself out of there is admirable.”

Soyeon nodded in understanding, still feeling her sister’s hand around her waist. “Can you hug me?”

Sohee kissed her cheek, wrapping both of her arms around her. Pulling away after a few minutes, she turned her attention to the gift Soyeon had brought with her. “Hey, what’s that gift?”

She shrugged. “Shuhua’s boyfriend gave it to me. I don’t know who it’s from, or what it is.”

“Open the letter at least,” she leant over to grab it, handing it to her sister. Soyeon took it from her and tore open the envelope, pulling out its contents.

“Soyeon-unnie, I wish I could say that I miss you, but your words hurt me. I don’t know how truthful they were to what you think of me, but how am I to distinguish that? I wish you never said those things, but I shouldn’t have escalated the situation, so I’m sorry. I’ll be better next time.

When I first met you, you struck me as the person I could trust to look after me here in Korea- despite Soojin of course. You were loving, and patient, and you would sit beside me when you knew I was upset. You would give me encouraging words and praise for even the smallest thing I managed to do right. Most importantly, you were there for me, every single time. You were also really pretty and talented. I liked you a lot.

It was destiny when I made the group lineup, although now I know that it was thanks to you. I don’t understand why you did it, to be honest. We both know I don’t add to the group at all. I guess you would be a four now. I don’t know how successful groups of four are compared to fives. Blackpink, Little Mix… you get the point. I guess there are fives too. Spice Girls, Red Velvet… Okay, I take my word back.

You encouraged me when you knew I was hurt by the words of the haters, and even our own fans at times. You knew I just needed help and patience, and found time you knew we didn’t have. You held me at night, and texted me if you hadn’t seen me all day. I remember when I took my trip around Seoul without warning you, and you scolded me to no end. That’s when I thought that it wasn’t just for show, and that you did truly care about my wellbeing. You always remained strong in order to protect me, even when I didn’t realise.

When you fell apart, I guess I did too. If you couldn’t make it, how was I supposed to? I was just meant to follow you around and do what you said. When you gave up, I didn’t know how I was supposed to react. Was I supposed to listen to Miyeon instead? Or not do anything at all? Or maybe do it myself? I had so many questions- questions that I would go to you for help with, but unfortunately, you were the only person who wasn’t there.

I guess I realised that I had become to take you for granted. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t mean that I loved you less than I really did. I just didn’t cherish fully the moments that I did have with you, as the fear of them becoming fewer in the future never fully dawned on me. In that case, I credit you for giving me that sense of security no one else managed. Not even Soojin, for that matter. You made me feel so enclosed into the safety of the group, that I forgot about the real world. I forgot that with me in between you all, there were five other people sacrificing themselves to protect me. It hit me when you and Minnie went down. Minnie suddenly became off, and you were mentally not doing well. Miyeon said it was because you were struggling with hate, but I think we all knew to blame your toxic dynamic with Yuqi instead.

If you were affected by Yuqi’s words, that means you weren’t as brazen as I considered you to be, but it didn’t make you bad. It highlighted my inhumane expectations of someone who was human, just like me. And to further this, my behaviour towards you when I realised that maybe my admiration wasn’t just admiration, but love. I forced you into things and coerced you into your own trouble, but you never raised your voice at me until I truly had crossed the line. There were times that I would sit back and realise how grateful I was for you, and that I would be good forever and ever from then. But then, when I saw you again, I would revert back to square one. I’m so stupid. I say I’m hurt by what you said, but I could have damaged your relationship with Yuqi. What’s worse?

I did what you wanted. You got revenge. I know, you didn’t do anything, but you have to be honest, seeing me hurt did make you happy. You lightened up after it happened… well, ignoring whatever we had between us, including my broken arm you kept forgetting about. I guess I had a high tolerance to pain, reflecting on the fact that I barely felt my broken ribs when they were healing. But I therefore thought everyone did too. I didn’t really notice Miyeon’s… upsetness. She always looked sad, like a mother with a very very ill daughter. I guess saying that about a couple doesn’t seem right. I didn’t understand why she was so upset. Minnie will get better. ~~Everyone gets better. It may not be in the way that they hope for b~~ I guess I sound quite confident by saying that, but we all hope she does.

Anyway, as I was saying, I lied to you. For once, I think I lied in your favour. I’m still not very good at this, but I do my best. Your words didn’t just hurt me because you confirmed my insecurity. It was the fact that they came from you. I… I was never really over you, to be honest. How am I supposed to be?

If Yuqi loved you, I was obsessed with you. I was always the first to your Unpretty watch parties they would hold every week during training. I had a lomocard of you from when you first debuted- you had your green jacket on from ‘Jelly’. I thought you were the coolest person I had ever met. You were in my room playing cards with me and Chowon. I think Yuqi knew I had a bit of a crush on you, but I guess she liked you too. She would talk about you a lot- even more than Soojin did, which had Minnie confused since I guess Yuqi knew you the least out of those three. I had a picture of our whole friend group by my bedside table. In fact, one day after returning after training, I saw that someone had drawn a stickman in pen in between you and Minnie. I then learnt that it was Miyeon, who was feeling severely left out of the picture she was apparently seeing “everywhere that she looked”. I think that was when I clocked the same photo lying in your room, as well as on your lockscreen. You also had that picture of you and me. I can’t tell you how happy I was to see that you cared about me.

I wish you still did. That sounds horrendous. I’m not guilt tripping my way in, nor am I accusing you. You act differently since we hit off. You’re uncomfortable when I’m near you. I wonder what we would be if Yuqi didn’t exist, and if we weren’t in Korea. Would you like me back?

I don’t want you to. I have Oscar. I love Oscar. I wish nothing but the best for him, with or without me. He can’t do anything to hurt me. I’ve been betrayed enough times. I think idols are the strongest people in the world. We take bodyshaming and personality nitpicking from the ripe age of minors. Not many people can say they survived that. Some people said they didn’t.

And plus, the only thing that hasn’t come my way is a bullying scandal, but was that really a coincidence, or a missile that I narrowly avoided at the expense of my best friend?

With that being said, I wish you a Christmas that allows you to sort yourself out, and remember the true weapon you are. You could slice the industry in half, both sides collapsing and melting on their sides. You’ve lost yourself. I don’t know if you’re taking narcotics, or using that vape again that you swore you wouldn’t touch. Yes, Soojin told me. I know you’re not an angel like I thought you were.

Just, try not to take any drugs, or alcohol. I’m not bright, we both know, but I did learn a few things before I moved to drama school. I learnt firstly that both of those do nothing good for you in the short term, and I also learnt that it affects brain composition. Now, that could be redundant to anyone, but we’re a creative group. If you don’t function like you used to, we won’t release good music. We all know you can’t stand to lose. Imagine if your haters realise that they were right all along. Your predators would be laughing from their cells. I know you don’t want that.

If you’re not going to step up by normal motivation, I thought up toxic motivation, but two wrongs don’t always make a right. Unless it’s maths. I think they make a positive number if you multiply them, but it’s been a while, and my dyscalculia didn’t make it easy for me to figure out the answer to that.

I present to you: emotional motivation.

Soyeon, we all love you. You probably hear that ten thousand times from Jimin or whatever therapist you have now. But, you truly are that heart of what makes us, us. You see, if you sleep with many men, you could develop an STI, but if you want to have a husband and kids in the future (provided that Yuqi is no longer an option) then you probably want to stay healthy. Also, why do you want some smelly men all up with you. You’re like, so cool. Why are you lowering your standards?!??

I miss the old you, but it’s not like it won’t come back. You know you’re not yourself, and that’s good. At least we’ve identified the problem. We will all help. Even Yuqi, when she gains her senses too.

Think about it. You were Minnie’s first ever girlfriend. Of course she’s still pretty into you. Not just in that way, but she cares about you! Like, how would she feel if she found out about how you’re struggling?

Right now, do it all for Minnie. If Minnie goes, we all go. If you go, we all go, but Minnie’s surprisingly closer to that stage than you are. IDLE is a five. Nothing more, and nothing less. We’ve accepted it, but we can’t let it change again.

If not Minnie or me or Yuqi, do it for Soojin. You know she’s cheering us on.”

Soyeon let out a loud sob, collapsing into her sister’s arms.

Chapter 21: i'm such an undeserving person

Chapter Text

Standing outside Yuqi’s front door with the parcel in hand, he reflected on the nature of their last encounter. His hands trembled slightly with anticipation as he shifted on one foot and the other, praying that she’d taken his word.

Finally pressing the doorbell, he stood back patiently waiting for it to open. After a few minutes of standing around, he shook his head, giving up and looking for any post box she had.

“Hey,” he heard a familiar voice from behind him. Yuqi smiled sheepishly, walking towards him. “Sorry, I was at a friend’s house. Why are you here?” she reached the door, turning back around to face him.

“I wanted to give you this,” he outstretched his hands, parcel square in the middle. She took it from him inquisitively.

“Oh, thanks… Well… You can come inside,” she unlocked it. “Stay a few minutes?”

“I won’t mind,” he nodded. “Oh, and I forgot to say, merry Christmas!”

She giggled. “Right… Merry Christmas,” she mumbled, closing the door behind them. “Have you eaten?”

“Yes, yes, thank you. Have you?”

“Yes, I just did,” she walked into the living room. “Come and join me. I guess we could catch up.”

He followed her after removing his coat and shoes, turning the corner and sitting beside her on her leather sofa, leaving enough room for comfortability. He hadn’t seen this room when he was last present, too busy fixing other matters to have enough time for a house tour. “So,” he began, “how are you?”

“I’m fine,” she emphasised. “I’m sorry, would you like a warm drink? I switched the heating on, but I guess it’s still cold in here.”

“I’m fine,” he reassured her. “You seem happier.”

“I know. I guess I am. I took on your advice. Your words were eye-opening. Really.”

“I’m glad you realised yourself,” he turned to her. “Are you feeling better?”

“Much. I’m happy it happened before Christmas. Being lonely and miserable at this time of year is not ideal. I suffer from FOMO.”

“I get it. Most people do, especially now. Even I’m away from my family.”

“Oh, right? Where are you from?”

“I’m Taiwanese. We’re in the same situation for the most part.”

“It’s nice having someone who understands that feeling of loneliness. I guess Minnie and Shuhua could. Shuhua has so many friends here, though. I guess I do, but I haven’t been feeling social recently. And Minnie isn’t fit enough to see anyone at all. It really does feel lonely out here. But, thank you for coming. I wasn’t expecting you, but it was nice to come home to see someone, rather than continuing my days of reclusion locked up by myself in here.”

“I get it. No, no worries at all,” he insisted. “I thought it would be a tough period for you. I just wanted to see if you were doing okay after we last met. Since you weren’t at home when I rang the doorbell, I realised that it was a good thing.”

“I guess. It’s been a while since I had social interaction. I called Miyeon names, and blanked out Shuhua. I don’t want to see Minnie just yet.”

“Hey, it’s okay. The other girls don’t know about what you went through. It’s fine to give yourself time away from everyone else’s problems to focus on your own.”

She shuffled closer to him, laying her head on his shoulder. “You’re right. Maybe I should truly focus on myself, and ignore whatever Miyeon was arguing about. At least I have people I can actually talk to.”

“You can always talk to me, but you should probably invest in another therapist, or get one now if you can.”

“I was with someone who worked with children, but sometimes did idols on the off chance. She became a friend for life. Surprisingly, our dynamic is the same as it was in the initial days- not too close and uncomfortable or anything. But, yeah, I guess I was referring to yourself. I surprised myself that I haven’t had a conversation with someone properly like this in a long time. In fact, your words really do remind me of Jimin.”

She sat up, watching him with wide, sparkling eyes. “Of course. I’m always here.”

He wanted to lean back as her eyes grew wider, but he was too confused by her sudden interest. “Thank you,” she mumbled, slightly entranced, much to his bewilderment.

“O-of course,” he repeated, not noticing her slowly lean in towards him. “Hey, I should probably get goi-“

He was cut off by her lips against his, her hands against him as she dove on top of him, whining softly against his mouth as she kissed him slowly. His eyes widened, his whole body freezing up in pure shock, before registering the experience and pushing her away.

“Yuqi, stop,” he gasped, the girl in front of her panting with flushed cheeks as she stared at him with worry.

“Shit, did I misunderstand you? I’m so sorry,” she wiped her forehead. “Oh god… I’m so sorry…”

He shook his head. “I’m in a relationship- you know this!”

Her head shot up. “W-what?” His face fell. “Seriously? I didn’t- Who with?”

“Sh-Shuhua,” he mumbled.

Yuqi paused to hear him, face slowly paling when she realised, shooting up from the sofa and stepping away. “Oh my god,” she raised her hand to her face. “Oh my- oh my god… I’m…”

“It’s okay,” he stood up with her, arms outstretched in front of him awkwardly. “It’s fine. We can forget about it. Don’t worry. You forgot. It wasn’t intentional.”

She pursed her lips. “Okay,” she mumbled, unconvinced. “Why are you here?”

“To give you that, remember,” he pointed at the box and letter. “Shuhua sent me outside for a couple of hours. I don’t know why.”

“Oh…”

He licked his lips. “Look, I think I should start heading back. My exile period is coming to an end. But really, Yuqi, don’t worry about it. I won’t tell Shuhua either.”

“Promise?”

“Look, even if I did, I’m sure she would understand.”

She looked to the floor. “I guess… I guess it’s not the first time she would be in the middle of something like that.”

“Hm?”

“Oh, nothing… but, thanks. I’m sorry, again. Don’t abandon me-“

“Yuqi, I won’t. This isn’t the last time that we’ll see each other. Don’t worry.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Heeled boots hitting the damp ground at a regular rhythm, Miyeon strode from her car to her front door, arms wrapped around herself to keep the warmth in. Fiddling with the box beside it, her hand lay on a couple of items that hadn’t been there before. She frowned, fishing it out and examining it, before entering into the warmth of her home to open the letter that lay above it.

Shrugging her beige coat off her shoulders, she kept her eyes locked on the handwriting she somewhat recognised, walking upstairs to the comfort of her bed to unpeel the envelope. Unfolding the paper, she raised her eyebrows at the small writing that she had to read, squinting before grabbing her reading glasses off her bedside table to read it closely.

“Merry Christmas Miyeonnie! I love you sooo much, and I hope you have the best day!”

Miyeon frowned, flipping open the card.

"Dear Miyeon,

There’re so many things I want to say, but sometimes a Christmas card is the best way to sum everything up. I miss you. I wish I could see you, but I don’t want to pressurise you in having to keep you from Ninnie-unnie.

I wanted to thank you for sticking by me. I’m not good with verbal conversations, and I don’t think I ever expressed how grateful I am to have you. You looked after me when I needed it, and heard me out when no one else did. You never got angry with me for my mistakes, and you cried over me whenever you feared for my health. You never hated me when I hated you, and you always gave me a chance when I apologised.

In short, I’m so grateful to have you, and during circumstances like these, I really do remember how much I needed you all those times, when you stayed beside me and held me when I cried, despite me pushing you away relentlessly. If everything in the world falls apart around me, I know you’ll be there for me, and just thinking about something like that makes me emotional, and you know how I am about my feelings.

Thank you for caring about Minnie, and not giving up on her. It’s been going on for so long, and I’m surprised you didn’t stand up and leave, but I admire you for it. She wouldn’t be where she is now if it wasn’t for you. None of us would be, for that matter. You held the group together, you know? Well, of course you do. You saw it break into pieces over and over again. You stayed beside Minnie, Soyeon, me, and even Yuqi… wow… that really is all of us.

I wish we did the same for you. Sometimes I wondered “Hm, how is Miyeon?” but by the looks of things, you always seemed perfectly fine, and unfazed. Your smile never faded, despite everything you experienced, and you barely shed a tear over anything. I admire you, and respect you to such an extent I can’t explain. You mean the world to me. I know, that’s probably the first time you’ve heard me say something like that, but I rely on you. I wouldn’t have survived the group without you, or last year, or even now, for that matter.

With that being said, thank you for not telling the girls about Oscar. It was a difficult secret to keep, and I know how much you hate secrets. In reality, I was scared to tell them. I wasn’t cheating on Soojin, but I knew that if they found out, something would get out about me being unfaithful again. I’m not like that anymore. I was kid back then. I didn’t understand what love really was, and jumped at any opportunity for a relationship. I think I respect myself more now. I wouldn’t do such a thing again.

But, yeah, I was scared. Yuqi did everything she could to shield me from the outside world. She wouldn’t have been pleased to hear that I was dating a man who wasn’t even in the industry. Minnie wouldn’t have minded, I don’t think, but she would have told everyone on some occasion by accident, and I couldn’t let that happen. Soyeon… I was the most scared because of Soyeon. I didn’t want to frighten her. She’s vulnerable. We’ve said that for years, and we haven’t stopped. She’s our strongest, and therefore the one I want to protect most. She’s had bad experiences with men. Why on earth would she want to hear that her youngest member was following her worst nightmare? I didn’t want her stressing over me. She had other things to care about rather than my safety.

Which has me thinking, why would she sleep with random guys she doesn’t even know? Weird… but I can’t control that myself.

But, thanks. I’ll tell them eventually. I think we’re getting serious now, and I wouldn’t have been able to do it without your support. Or anything, really. Whatever I do, you’re always by my side, cheering me on. Thank you. I mean it.

I love you, unnie. Stay healthy, and look after yourself more than anything. Have a wonderful Christmas.”

Miyeon sat back, resting her head against the pillow.

“I love you too, Shushu.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“So it was all of this,” he gestured to the lingerie Shuhua was adorned in, lying on the bed seductively with hooded eyes.

“Mhm,” she moaned as he closed the bedroom door, keeping the dogs out of their room and making his way towards her. He lay down beside her, stroking her bare tummy gently as he leaned down for a kiss, that she captured immediately with a soft hum. After a few seconds of pure kissing, her tongue began to come to terms with the unusually nostalgic flavour of his lips. She pulled away. “Hey, have you eaten anything?”

“No… why?” he frowned, resting his head on the pillow.

She paused, licking her lips a few times. Lipstick. She knew the brand.

“Did you put lipstick on this morning?” she joked.

“No? Shu, stop asking stupid questions,” he groaned, undressing himself quickly.

She shook her head, the image of the chaotic Chinese girl appearing instantly.

She narrowed her eyes. “Did you see Yuqi when you gave her the gift?”

“Y-yes,” he flushed red, pausing in his act. “Why?”

She nodded to herself, seemingly understand something serious. “You kissed, didn’t you?”

“W-what?”

“Don’t lie to me. I can taste it. You kissed her. You kissed Yuqi.”

“Woah, Shu, calm down,” he began to panic, Shuhua sitting up from underneath him.

“Calm down,” she repeated. “Yes, I can do that… but, why? Why did you kiss her?”

Oscar could tell she was about to be sent off into a panic attack. “Shu, calm down,” he whispered once more, taking her hands and holding them in his. “It was a mistake on her part. It’s not what you think.”

“Hm?”

He sighed, shaking his head. He’d have to betray his promise to Yuqi in this situation, but how on earth could Shuhua tell so fast? “She kissed me. She was overly happy, and in the heat of the moment, she forgot I was with you.”

She nodded slowly. “She just forgot?”

“In her defence, I don’t know the state of mind she was in back when I first told her. She could have been drunk, hence why she forgot now.”

Shuhua nodded sceptically. “I guess so. I trust you, Oscar. I trust you to not sleep with her-“

“Shu, you know that’s not the case. Look, I went inside, and gave her the gift. We chatted for a bit. I told her if she needed support, she had us. She kissed me. I pushed her away, she panicked, and then I explained my case. She got scared and guilty, and begged me to not say anything about it, but here we are.”

“O-oh…” she lay back down. “I understand.”

“Now,” he began, “how did you know?”

She raised her eyebrows. “Yuqi and I had a past. I’m saying it like it was a relationship. It wasn’t. It was a one night stand earlier last year. It didn’t mean anything, and we didn’t do anything like that ever again, as it was too awkward, but… it did happen.”

“When?”

“Ages ago. Trust me. Before I even knew you existed.”

He nodded, kissing her again, gently and softly, before picking up the pace and deepening it. “I understand,” he lay her back down, her hands moving up his body to remove his clothes. She gazed at him, soft moans escaping her lips as he felt the warmth of his hands against her bare skin.

As he removed his top, her hands settled firmly on his abs, before wrapping around his sides and pulling him down. “Look,” she mumbled, raising her legs slightly. He smirked at the sight of the garments she was wearing, and the lack of cover around the place she needed him most, despite the accessory that surrounded her body. “Touch me,” she kissed his cheek, hand wrapping around his shaft and circling the tip with her finger.

He bit the skin of her neck softly, eliciting a louder, strained moan as his fingers slowly sank between her lower lips, skin coming in contact with her arousal. “Oh, oh,” he moaned as his two fingers explored her region for the umpteenth time, recognising that the sensation was as pure and magnificent as it was the first. “You’re so wet.”

“I needed you,” she gasped.

“Why did you send me outside for hours then?” he joked, lifting himself to spread her legs under him, before she pulled him back into a cuddle forcefully.

“So I could have the guts to wear all of this,” she blushed. “You haven’t seen the living room, have you? All the…uh… packaging?” she spoke with quick breaths, unable to concentrate as his hot tongue circled the bruised area on her nape.

“No, as a matter of fact, I haven’t,” he smirked, raising her hips and allowing her legs to fall open completely, area now tilted completely upwards as he sat over her.

“I want to hug you,” she protested, smiling as his hands securely moved over the clean skin of her thighs.

“Not now, angel,” he kissed her inner thighs, moving his fingers to spread over her area, pulling her lips aside. Her ignored his erection underneath them, purely focusing on the whines of ecstasy his girlfriend was making because of him. “Does that feel good?” he slipped his fingers inside of her.

“Oh, yeah,” she squeezed her eyes shut, tugging at her nipples as her face creased in pleasure, Oscar’s fingers massaging her pussy attentively. She sucked her teeth when she felt his other hand move to flick her clit. “D-don’t you want me to-“

“Shh,” he cut her off. “Just enjoy,” he leant down to kiss her clit. “Tell me if this position begins to hurt you,” he kissed her again, sucking it gently this time.

“It’s okay… you can put it in now.”

He sat up, put her legs back on the bed. “Do you want me to remove these?” he asked, referring to the crotchless lingerie that had managed to turn a completely different shade from the matching set.

She nodded, raising her hips as he rolled it down her legs, kneeling up and throwing them side. He pulled her knees up, holding them firmly as her hand slipped off his cock, allowing him to slide it inside of her.

“Oh, that’s good,” she whined, pulling him all the way inside of her. “Again, again!”

“Shu,” he groaned, pulling out of her before pushing straight in once more. “You’re too wet,” he pulled out. She frowned.

“Oh? Why is that bad?”

“I keep slipping out of you!” he sighed, pulling out some tissues from the tissue box and patting her dry slightly, before continuing the thrusts.

“Sorry,” she pouted, chest bouncing as the bed moved under them.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” he kissed her deeply. “I’m happy to see you too.”

She blushed, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him down. “I love you.”

“I know. I love you too. Very, very much.”

Her eyes lit up, before a soft whimper made them flutter shut again. “G-go harder.”

“Hm?”

“Your thrusts. You can be rough with it.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t.”

“Shu…”

“Trust me,” she stroked his face. “I’m becoming more wet by the second,” she moaned. “O-Oscar, please,” she begged, her eyes filling with tears.

“I can’t. Shu, I just can’t.”

She sighed, pulling him out of her and lying him down beside her.

“I get it, you’re protective of me. I pride myself in having someone who actually cares about my health and wellbeing. But you have to trust me. I know you don’t want to overstep your boundaries, but you really, truly aren’t.”

“I’m sorry,” he groaned, wincing slightly as she turned on her side.

“It’s different when you’re in love. You’re right. Rough sex hurts. It isn’t always nice, and can be invasive and degrading. But… I love you. It’s different between us. I trust you. I know that you care, and that’s all I need to know. When you give it to me, I’ll feel nothing but pleasure.”

He watched her unsurely as she sat up and straddled him, his hands instinctively grabbing her sides as he slowly lowered her onto him.

“Fuck me,” she groaned, her hands gripping over his as she slammed herself onto his cock impulsively.

“S-Shu,” he moaned breathlessly, head spinning as she raised her hips again before dropping herself onto him. “Does that feel good?” she smirked, rolling her hips weakly as she continued to fuck him over and over, angling herself so he fit into her deepest region.

Shuhua leaned down, her lips brushing against his ear. "Do you want to taste me, Oscar?" she asked, her voice a breathy whisper. "Do you want to feel me come apart on your tongue?"

Oscar's response was a deep, guttural growl. He flipped her over, his hands pinning her wrists above her head. He kissed her, his lips hard and demanding, before moving down her body. He nipped at her neck, her breasts, his tongue tracing a hot, wet path down her stomach.

Shuhua's breath hitched as his lips found her centre. He teased her, his tongue tracing slow, torturous circles around her clit. She squirmed beneath him, her hips bucking as she tried to get closer. "Oscar," she gasped, her voice a desperate plea. "Please."

Oscar's response was a low chuckle, sucking and swallowing her cum that surrounded her whole area, a testament of her pure delight. He sucked her clit into his mouth, his tongue flicking against the sensitive bundle of nerves. Shuhua cried out, her body arching off the bed as she came, her orgasm crashing over her like a wave.

Oscar didn't stop. He continued to lick and suck, his fingers joining his tongue as he drove her higher and higher. Shuhua's moans filled the room, her body trembling with each new wave of pleasure. She could feel herself getting closer, the pressure building deep within her.

“Oscar, I’m going to cum again,” she whispered, legs already shaking with each suck, before her hips lifted off the bed. "I'm going to-" She didn't get to finish her sentence. Her orgasm hit her like a freight train, her body convulsing as she squirted, the hot, wet heat soaking the bed beneath them.

Oscar moved up her body, his lips finding hers in a deep, passionate kiss. He positioned himself at her entrance, his eyes locked onto hers as he slowly pushed inside. Shuhua's body stretched around him, her walls clenching as she adjusted to his size.

"Fuck," Oscar groaned, his voice a deep, guttural growl. "You feel so good, Shuhua." He began to move, his hips thrusting as he drove into her. Shuhua met him thrust for thrust, her hips rising to meet his.

Their bodies moved together, a sweaty, passionate tangle of limbs. Oscar's hands roamed Shuhua's body, his fingers teasing her nipples, her clit. Shuhua's moans filled the room, her body trembling as she climbed towards another orgasm. “Mm,” she moaned, before her lips parted as she let out a louder clearer sound of her pleasure.

"I'm close," Oscar grunted, his thrusts becoming more erratic.

“Inside,” she whispered, squeezing her eyes shut as she awaited for his release.

"Shuhua, I-" Shuhua's walls clenched around him, her orgasm triggering his own. He groaned, his body shuddering as he came, his hot seed filling her.

They lay there, panting, their bodies slick with sweat. Oscar rolled off Shuhua, pulling her into his arms. He kissed her, his lips soft and tender. "I love you," he whispered, his voice a low, husky rumble.

Shuhua smiled, her eyes sparkling with happiness. "I love you too, Oscar." She snuggled closer, her body fitting perfectly against his. "And merry Christmas."

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Yuqi reluctantly slid open the letter, revealing the card that was slotted inside of it. She smiled. It had been a while since she’d seen the maknae’s handwriting or even heard from her. She knew she had texted a few times, but never had she been in the right state of mind to reply to it.

“Little Shu,” she chuckled at the messy drawing that adorned the front cover. She knew it was a sketch of Yuqi’s favourite picture of the two of them in Lotte World.

“Dear Yuqi,

You don’t reply to my texts nowadays, so I could sum up everything here if I wanted to, but, I guess I don’t. I know you’re hurting, but I miss you. I wish I could see you, but I want you to be okay first.

I hope Oscar helped you. I didn’t know how else to approach you other than to send him in. again, he didn’t tell me much, but I could tell that he changed something in you. I hope you wake up and see the light of day again. Life is boring without you.

Merry Christmas. Well, I don’t know how merry it is this year, but it is Christmas, and there’s no good excuse to be sad. You have a good life. You focus on the negatives, but look at the positives. You are living your dream, in a group where everyone loves you. You have friends who adore you, and fans who look up to you. Not many people can say that they’ve achieved that. You even went to China! Didn’t you see your face everywhere you went?

You’re my best friend. You looked after me at debut, and defended me against people who criticised me for just not speaking Korean… wow… I don’t know why people hated me. I guess I was jealous of you to some extent, but when you looked after me like I was your number one priority, how could I be angry? If everyone loved you, and you loved me, I guess I won after all?

I’m not used to you ignoring me. Did I do something wrong? I miss you. I want to talk to you again, but I know it’s not the same case for you.

It’s okay. I’ll wait. If you need anyone to talk to, I’m always here.

Merry Christmas unnie. Stay safe.”

A loud sob filled the quiet room, a wet splash hitting the paper as her tears rolled down her cheek. Pulling open the wrapping paper, a framed picture lay in her hands- an image of the six women pre debut, holding hands and smiling at the camera. A rush of nostalgia washed over her, before a sense of longing and depression took over.

“I love you too, baby. I love you too.”

Chapter 22: why do I like her?

Notes:

double update this week as not a lot happened in the last chapter???

Chapter Text

28^th December 2022

The taxi drive to the destination was long and restless, but finally she’d made it. Swinging her bag across her shoulder, she strode confidently up to the address listed on her phone, checking it before cleanly knocking three times on the door.

It opened after a few minutes of waiting, a quiet, troubled Shuhua revealed from behind it, clenching the door handle with her right hand.

“Oh, unnie,” she sighed, allowing her in and throwing her arms around her. “You actually came? The flight must have been so long!”

Shuhua was about to carry on, but Shufen remained in her place, a confused expression planted on her face. Shuhua decided to continue talking.

“I’m sorry about earlier. I’m sorry about crying to you for those hours. You really didn’t need to make it all the way here. I- I- Things have been tough, but that’s okay. How was the flight? Long, right? Well, I guess it’s funny now that all three of us are in Korea… Would you like some water?” Shufen continued to stay where she was, Shuhua turning back around in confusion. “Unnie, are you okay?”

“Sh-Shuhua, I don’t speak Korean,” she reminded slowly.

Shuhua frowned, before her eyes widened. “Sorry! I thought I was speaking in Chinese… wow, Korea really has changed me. Speaking of which, my Korean’s become better, right? Like, I can speak in full sentences, and I’m even helping Mei.”

Shufen shook her head anxiously. “Sorry Hua… that was also in Korean.”

Shuhua’s mouth opened and shut. She tried to utter a word, but on second thoughts, that was Korean too. She looked back up at her in panic, breathing beginning to speed up. Shufen finally stepped towards her, opening her arms.

“Come here,” she spoke calmly, Shuhua hesitantly moving into the hug. “You’re panicking, so you’re not thinking straight… you understand me, right?” Shuhua nodded frantically. “Okay, okay, sit down,” she took her to the living room, where they sat beside each other. “I’ll do the talking- you do the listening, okay?” she squeezed her hand. “You need to tell me what happened between you and the girls. Are you talking to Yuqi?”

“No.”

“That’s no… right?”

“Yes.”

She pursed her lips. “Okay… Soyeon?”

“No.”

“Miyeon?”

“No.”

“Minnie.”

“No.”

“Right,” she sighed.

“Chinese,” Shuhua struggling to get air in. “I- I used to speak with Yuqi… B-but… we don’t talk anymore.”

“I understood that,” she patted her back. “You’re getting it back, Shu. I’ll give you all the time you need. I’m your sister. Not just your friend. Why don’t you and Soyeon talk?”

She wiped her tears. “I told her I was over her. I told her I didn’t like her as much as I used to, but I knew I was lying. B-but it hurts,” she sobbed. “She and Yuqi broke up earlier, and they’ve been rough. They’re sleeping around constantly…” she scoffed, “so much for ‘Nxde’.”

“Shu…”

“It’s so bad, that it’s come to the point where Soyeon’s neglected the group’s comeback and I haven’t spoken to Yuqi in weeks. If I ever see her, she ignores me, and she doesn’t even read my texts. I got angry with Soyeon. I told her she needs to take her work more seriously, and she had a go at me. I think she took it personally, because she got personal at me. I haven’t spoken to her since.”

“You need to talk to her,” she advised.

“I can’t. She’s always occupied by… men.”

“But she needs to talk to you. You’re her youngest member. She can’t ignore you.”

She shook her head. “I’m scared she’ll scream at me again.”

“Just text her. For me, please?”

“She’s busy.”

“Not the whole day.”

“Trust me, she is. All day every day.”

“Hua.”

She sighed, giving in. “What do I say?”

“Just ask her to go out for dinner some time.”

Yeh Shuhua

Unnie

Sorry, it’s been a while.

I was wondering if you’d like to go
out for dinner with me one of these
days.

I haven’t seen you much.

Especially after the fight.

I didn’t mean to disrespect you.

She paused, debating her final message, before sending it anyway.

I miss you.

“She has to care, Huahua. She’s like your parent in the group. She’ll never hold a grudge against you.”

“She won’t reply. I know she won’t.”

A small ‘Kakao’ made her jump out of her skin. She peered at the screen reluctantly.

Soyeon

Your text was a nice surprise

I’m free anytime, aegi. Tonight is
perfect, if you’d like.

“She said she’s fine with it,” Shuhua looked up, “but her messages… they lack warmth like they used to.”

“That’s okay, bao. At least she replied.”

“She said tonight. When are you leaving?”

“When you want me to go.”

She sighed. “No, you can’t leave yet. Stay, or come with me.”

“Soyeon won’t appreciate that.”

She backed down. “Okay, well… you’ll be here when I come back, right?”

“I’ll stay with your dogs. They’re much cuter in person,” she chuckled.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Hey pretty,” Miyeon wrapped an arm around her girlfriend’s waist possessively, as the couple moved through the large crowd of people in the Christmas market.

“Thanks for taking me out today,” Minnie squeezed her hand subtly, resting her head against her shoulder as Miyeon pulled her over to the side. “At least I can be out this week. Being cooped up on Christmas day didn’t do much for my sanity.”

“Of course, Minnie-ah,” Miyeon kissed her forehead, pulling away to the stall they stood beside, selling hot chocolate. “Would you like one?”

Minnie nodded quickly, joining her side as she eyed the multitude of flavours. “They all look so good.”

“Get as many cups as you want… hopefully not more than four,” she joked.

Minnie frowned. “Unnie, it’s too expensive.”

“We’re celebrities,” she deadpanned.

“But it’s hot chocolate,” she protested.

“Which one are you looking at?” she sighed, pointing up at the menu.

“Coconut…” she trailed off, Miyeon immediately shoving her aside to order the said drink, paying for it herself. After a few seconds of waiting, she obtained the item, handing it to her, who was still starstruck.

“Th-thanks,” Minnie mumbled. “You didn’t have to.”

Miyeon kissed her cheek, watching her sip from the cup hesitantly, warmth filling her happy eyes as she licked her lips. “I’ll do anything to see you smile.”

Minnie blushed, thrusting her inside hand into Miyeon’s pocket, where Miyeon’s hand lay. Miyeon could hear her purr at the contact. “Warm,” she mumbled.

“I should have brought handwarmers,” Miyeon mumbled.

“We can share a glove!”

Miyeon raised an eyebrow, watching her girlfriend wave her hand in front of her. “What?”

“Takes yours off and slide it in!”

“It isn’t big enough for tha-“

“It is!”

She smirked. “Would you like to come back to mine? It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I don’t want you catching a cold.”

Minnie piped up immediately. “I would love that!” Her purrs grew louder as Miyeon patted her on the head, kissing her cheek softly.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Pulling into the driveway, she stepped out of her car and walked slowly up to the front door, heart pounding in her chest. After a deep breath, she rang the doorbell. She couldn’t hear any movement from inside, so after one long minute of waiting, she tried again. Still, nothing, so she waited, and tried again, and then again, and then again.

Her hand nudged the doorhandle, that was seemingly open.

She wandered inside, mentally cursing for breaching her leader’s privacy, yet the lack of response clearly sparked her curiosity. She turned, making her way into the living room, when pieces of broken glass made an appearance scattered across the wooden floor. She ran to the centre, finding Soyeon lying motionless on the cold hard surface, blood dripping from her hand.

She woke up with a scream.

“Jesus, Shuhua, what’s the matter?” Shufen scowled, laying out some clothes at the bottom of the bed.

“S-Soyeon,” she gasped, “w-was drunk, a-and she’d broken a bottle, and there was glass every-“

“It was a nightmare, calm down.”

She shook her head. “What if she’s like that tonight?”

“She won’t be. I can’t imagine it being as bad as you think it is, Shu. She’s more responsible than you’re crediting her. Come and look at these. A few of these dresses I bought in Taiwan for you, but if you’re not feeling them, that’s-“

“That light pink one… the silk one with the thin straps. That’s… nice,” she calmed down. “W-will I look nice?”

“I can’t believe you’re asking me that,” she sat beside her on the bed. “You know how beautiful we all are,” she cupped her cheek. “Don’t for one minute think that you’re not.”

She shook her head. “I’d hope so. After all, she said that’s all I have going for me.”

“Shu, she was angry. Don’t you remember how much she adores you. She loves you, Shu. From my point of view, you mean a lot more to her than you think.”

“I used to. Before I fucked things up by… falling in love with her.”

Shufen patted her shoulder. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Shuhua pulled up into the driveway, the dreaded walk to the front door making her uncomfortable as she pulled herself out of the driver’s seat, the whole scene mirroring her nightmare from the hours before.

She climbed up the stairs shakily, knocking on the door after composing herself.

“Will she hug me? Will she barely talk to me? Am I supposed to apologise? Is she even okay? Oh… I should enquire. Maybe about the album too… no, no, she’ll get the wrong message. Okay, don’t talk about work, whatever you do.”

The door swung open.

“Shuhua,” Soyeon bowed, much more together than the figure from Shuhua’s nightmare.

“Unnie.” She stood awkwardly. “O-oh… there’s this Chinese restaurant in town we could go to.”

Soyeon looked towards the ground. “No dogs?”

“My older sister’s in the country so I left them with her.”

She nodded, pulling herself out of the front door, clutching a purse in her hand as she slammed the door behind her with the other. Shuhua admired her, dressed in a simple black dress yet somehow looking divine.

“I can drive us,” she offered. “Unless you want to.”

“I think you’ll have to. I don’t have a car right now.” They walked towards Shuhua’s, settling inside.

“Why? What happened?”

She swallowed. “I was in an accident recently,” she mumbled.

“Unnie?!”

“I’m fine, I’m fine. I just drove it into a fence… that’s all… and a punishment for DUI.”

Shuhua gulped. “Are you okay?” she asked patiently.

Soyeon turned to her, a slight annoyance on her face. “What’s that supposed to mean?!”

“No, Soyeon, not like that,” she backed down. “You were in an accident. Did you hurt yourself? Are you okay?”

She calmed down. “I’m fine,” her tone lightened.

“No head injury? I heard those are quite comm-“

“Shuhua, if this is another way at you getting to me for god knows what reason, I’m leaving,” she warned crisply.

Shuhua frowned, before realising her mistake. “Oh…” she paused. “I didn’t mean it like that,” her voice became quiet.

She shook her head. Soyeon had changed since they’d last seen each other. More spiteful, and distant. Her mouth opened and shut, not knowing what to say, and clearly, neither did Soyeon. So, she continued.

“Unnie…” she began again. “I’m scared.” Soyeon turned to her with a frown. “I… I love you. I really, really love you. It hurts me when you hurt yourself.” Soyeon rolled her eyes, hand moving to grab the doorhandle to leave. But Shuhua continued. “You’re not okay,” she felt tears in her eyes as she finally spoke her mind. Soyeon loosened up in the corner of her eye. “You’re… you’re falling apart. Look, you’re my leader. I look up to you, but at the same time, I care about you. You’re not the same person you were a few months ago… or even a few years ago. I- if you look at yourself from when we debuted… this wasn’t what we’d planned. We hadn’t planned us all falling out. We hadn’t planned for Soojin to leave. But we planned to be successful, and successful together. If you break down, we all do. I’m scared that we’ve hit the end of (G)I-DLE. I’m scared that… that this is it. You and Yuqi broke up, I understand, but you’re destroying yourself. I know being the leader is hard work, and I’m willing to protect you and fight for you for anything, but if you don’t fight against everything yourself, what can I do? How can I help you if you don’t take the first step? Give up the alcohol. Give up the sex. Talk to Yuqi.”

Soyeon hesitantly turned to face her, her strong façade melted away by her pleas. “It’s not that simple, Shu,” her voice was low, and precarious, in a way. “My life fell apart when I was raped.” Shuhua swallowed, wincing in pain at the dry, coarseness. Soyeon hadn’t mentioned what happened to her at all since the previous year. “Yuqi built it up for me. But… I can’t rely on other people to do well. I thought when Soojin left, you’d struggle the most. I didn’t realise it would be me.” Again… wasn’t her name forbidden?

“We need to talk to her,” she whispered, placing a gentle hand on her leg.

“I can’t,” she dismissed immediately. “No, no, I can’t. I’m not ready yet.”

“We need time, but we don’t have it,” she squeezed it comfortingly. “We need each other.”

“I can’t face Yuqi. Miyeon and her are fighting. Minnie’s…” she shook her head instead of finishing her sentence. “What would I even say to Yuqi? We tore each other apart.”

“You didn’t mean it.”

“She did.”

“She didn’t.”

“You can’t know that.”

Shuhua sighed. “We’re not going out for dinner,” she opened the door. “We need to talk, unnie. We’ve put it off for so long. If we leave it any later…”

She nodded, stepping out with her. “We need to talk.”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Unnie,” Minnie piped up, head against Miyeon’s chest as the movie they were watching came to an end. Miyeon continued to play with her hair, lips attached to her head with soft kisses.

“Mhm?” she pulled away, arms tightening around her.

“Do you know what the new album is about? Did Soyeon ever tell you?”

Miyeon raised her eyebrows, pulling away to reposition herself. “She hasn’t told me anything about it. Honestly, I don’t know if there even is one.”

Minnie sat up. “Unnie, is she okay?”

“I- uh…” she hesitated. “I don’t know, Min. I haven’t seen her in a while, and I don’t hear from her much. I want to giver her space, rather than being down her throat…”

“What is she like in the meetings?”

She gulped. “She’s… volatile. She’s crossing boundaries she didn’t used to before. She said some things she’s never said before. She did things she swore she’d never do. She hurt Shuhua personally. That surprised me most.”

“Really?” Minnie mumbled, sitting back. “I feel bad. Are they all ignoring her now?”

“Shuhua probably is. I know Yuqi is. She probably doesn’t talk to Soojin anymore. I haven’t seen much of her. And you couldn’t see her either… so… yeah. She’s quite lonely.”

“We should see her.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“What?” she looked at her.

“It’s not for the best. I love her, and you love her too, but we need to give her space. There’s a lot on her mind.”

“How do you know?”

She squeezed her eyes shut. “The company isn’t happy with her. I think they’re still arguing. It’s not looking good. Shuhua didn’t take her side either, and neither did Yuqi. It really is everyone against her.”

“So we should support her.”

“You know what she’s like. When she’s in a difficult situation, she avoids people. I don’t want to stress her out. Bless her heart. She’s already had a tough year as it is.”

She shook her head. “Fine. We should see Shuhua though. I haven’t hugged her in a long time.”

Miyeon’s eyes lit up at the thought. “Shu… of course. Shuhua’s healthy, at least. She’s happy, and I believe her sisters are too. I think she’s the only one going through this without a hitch.”

“But, after what Soyeon said to her…”

She paused. “You’re right. She’s probably still hurting from what she said.”

“What did she say?”

“Just… discounting her relevance, despite knowing how Shuhua feels about Soojin leaving. I don’t remember what she said. Perhaps something about how Soojin shouldn’t have been the one to leave, if anyone.”

“What did Yuqi say?”

“She was playing on her phone. She didn’t care.”

“Not even to protect Shuhua?”

“No, but she gave a few snide remarks. Soyeon must have said something to her too.”

“Like what?”

“Hmm… maybe that… oh… that the group is all about her.”

“Right. She’s never said that before. I knew she used to think like that, but she always seemed ashamed to think it.”

“I honestly thought she was drunk during that entire meeting. The way she tore Shuhua apart in front of the whole company just blew me away.”

“How was Shuhua?”

“I think she cried. She did storm out, though. I remember how hurt she was. She didn’t even say anything back. She just took each blow as it was. The hard part was, I didn’t know what to say. Whether Soyeon was right or not was ambiguous to me, but regardless I should have consoled her. But Soyeon’s scary when she’s angry. I didn’t want to interrupt her. She was going off, and I just had let her. We all did.”

“When was this?"

“Earlier this month.”

She hummed. “Alright, we should leave them be… poor babies. I wish I was there to look after them.”

She shook her head. “Honestly, Min, it was ruthless,” she spoke after a few seconds of reflection. “I- I don’t think anyone even realised your absence. That could have been a good thing, in that circumstance. Soyeon could have made up anything about you not being dedicated by not showing up-“

“She wouldn’t do that.”

“I didn’t think she’d do most of what she ended up. It was different. It felt like a pivotal moment for the whole team. Siyu was screaming at her, and everyone was watching. Shuhua seemed concerned about things she didn’t even understand. Yuqi just ignored everyone- I don’t know why she was even there.” She curled up. “I’m happy you didn’t have to see it, and I’m surprised I didn’t tell you about it before, but… I guess we should hold off of seeing anyone right now. Apart from Shuhua. I met her a few days ago, and she was happy.”

“Right… but I don’t know if I’m ready yet,” Minnie admitted. “I don’t know if… if this is how I want them to see me. Do I look better?”

“It’s been too long, Minnie-ah. I don’t remember anymore.”

She nodded slowly. “That’s okay. I understand.”

Chapter 23: what am I going to do?

Notes:

they changed the fandom name to i-dle WAHOO

(just realised it isn't too clear but this is the continuation of the scene at the end of the last chapter)

Chapter Text

“I hate being dramatic, but Ninnie-unnie is dying.”

“What? The anorexia… she isn’t… getting better?”

“No, unnie. Miyeon needs help. Yuqi and she are fighting, and she doesn’t want you and I to see Ninnie-unnie in her state.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “How did it get so far…?”

“Unnie, why do you sleep with random men? You know it’s not healthy.”

“How else do I stop thinking about her, Shu?”

“There are other ways… than… destroying your body.”

“I am destroyed-“

“You’re not,” Shuhua sobbed. “You’ve given up unnie! You’re not supposed to give up!”

Soyeon stared at the floor, avoiding the sight of her maknae in tears. “I’m tired,” she squeezed her eyes shut. “I’m tired of everything, Shu. The hate, the attacks, the loss… it comes to a point where I’ve had enough. I have one shot at living, so why am I wasting it by suffering through all of this-“

“You aren’t. Unnie, if you’re tired, you’ll lose Yuqi forever, and Minnie’s life is at stake.”

“Why?! I don’t understand-“

“She has severe depression. She’s not well. If you don’t give her a reason to pull herself together, she won’t! And Miyeon’s only human. She’s tired too, but she’s not giving up. Well… she hasn’t yet.”

Soyeon shook her head. “I can’t… I’m scared too, Shu. I’m scared that I’m going to end up relying on this to live my life-“

“But you’re not living! You’re existing through your pain. You need to move on.”

“How can I? My world came crashing down in the space of a year-“

“It hasn’t, unnie. You left Yuqi for her safety. She knows you did! She just wants you to love her. I want you to love me! I just… I want you to care about the group. No one else seems to!”

They sat in silence.

“There’s so much on my mind-“

“Unnie, pull yourself together,” she swallowed, kneeling above her. “I- I can, and will leave for Taiwan if we don’t get back together.”

Soyeon’s head shot up, a pang of hurt resembled by the look on her face. “Y-you wouldn’t,” her voice was dangerously quiet, almost regretful.

“I will, unnie. I can’t keep making excuses. If Korean was my first language, I would have taken control. B-but I can’t. I’m just the maknae. The visual. The extra one.”

“Shu, don’t say that-“

“I’m not the one who did.” She stood up, beginning to pace the room. “If I’d left instead of Soojin, the group would be in a much better-“

“Yeh Shuhua don’t you fucking dare finish that sentence,” she raised her voice, standing up and staring at her with fury. Shuhua almost stumbled back, catching herself by the armrest of the sofa. Shuhua stared blankly. “F-fine… I’ll call Yuqi.”

“H-huh?”

Soyeon moved to pick up her phone, searching through her contacts, before dialling the number. Shuhua watched cautiously as the ringtone played. Soyeon looked up from her phone, settling on the sofa and opening her arm out to Shuhua, who moved to sit beside her.

“She won’t pick up,” Shuhua bit her lip, at ease with the familiar fragrance of her leader. The leader who had taken care of her throughout the past years.

Soyeon pulled her closer, feeling Shuhua’s head fall on her chest. “I miss this,” she mumbled. “She’ll pick up. She will.”

Soyeon was right.

“Who is this? Sorry, I bought a new phone recently… I don’t have anyone’s numbers.”

“Yuqi,” Soyeon spoke crisply. “It’s Soyeon.”

There was silence on the other end. “Why?”

Soyeon took a deep breath. “We need to meet as a group and finish the album.”

She heard a scoff. “So now you suddenly care?”

“You’re not much better than I am.”

“How many orgasms today? Six?”
“Actually, no. I’ve had enough.”

“Ohh really?” Yuqi chuckled ironically. “And who made you see the light?”

“Shuhua.”

There was a slight pause. “Oh… you’re talking now? After you called her a Chinese slag? Wow, wow… girl, you have class.”

“That’s not what I said,” she gritted her teeth.

“Oh you’re right, you’re right. That’s just paraphrasing the five hours of hell you put her through that last meeting we had.”

Soyeon’s arm tightened around her. “Why do you care? You didn’t take care of her.”

“Is it my job?”

“Yes. You’re her unnie.”

She heard Yuqi sigh. “Yah, Soyeon-ah, did ever hit you that maybe the group’s come to an end? Clearly no one cares enough.”

“I care. Shuhua cares.”

“Two of five, congrats.”

“Yuqi, you care too.”

“No, Soyeon. If I wanted money, I’d be in China right now-“

“But you’re not. You’re away from family, by yourself. You know why you’re here.”

“I’m here out of pity,” she shot back.

“Pity?! Yuqi, you’re out here because your parents didn’t accept you! Who’s in the pitiful state, Woogs, because it isn’t me.”

“It isn’t you? You were so drunk you drove into your neighbour’s fence!”

“At least I’ve woken up-“

“And that wasn’t even because of you. Shuhua probably took the initiative to drive to your house and show up what a fucking loser of a leader you are. Because that’s what you do! You take credit for everything, don’t you?”

“No, I don’t, I-“

“I’d like to see what you’re doing with the money you’ve earned from copyright. Alcohol? Picking up guys? Oh, you’re probably earning more from that than our own revenue.”

“I don’t understand why that’s an issue to you. I receive the money that I worked hard for.”

“Working hard making them cum every-“

“I’m not talking about that. Do you think I’m a whore?”

“In a whorehouse; tell me who set themselves up for that?”

“Stop it, Yuqi.”

“Stop what? You’re the one who threw down the gauntlet.”

“What gauntlet? What’s the gauntlet?!”

Yuqi scoffed. “Everyone else has to share whatever money they earned from their own side hustles, except for you.”

“You think writing songs for the group is a side hustle?”

“You think every single thing we do outside of the group isn’t gaining us exposure?”

Soyeon growled. “Because that’s all you can do.”

Shuhua squeezed her arm. “Unnie, don’t say that,” she whispered. “You’re speaking from your head, not your heart. Calm down… please, before you say something that really hurts her.”

Soyeon swallowed, holding her hand.

“Was that Shuhua? Of course she’s in your ear feeding you bullshit.”

“Don’t bring her into this, Yuqi,” Soyeon’s voice softened. She thought Yuqi was going to retaliate, but she didn’t. “Yuqi, I didn’t call you to have a go at you… I- I didn’t lay down any… gauntlet. Yes, Shuhua ‘took the initiative’ to see me, and she did the right thing.” She sighed. “We fell out, I know-“

“No, no, Soyeon, you dumped me-“

“- so that your parents wouldn’t hate you. You think I fell out of love with you overnight?”

“Why did you say those things to me?”

“Because I was angry with myself.”

“Really…?”

“I was angry that I couldn’t protect you. Every time an opportunity for me to step up as leader appears, I fuck up. I know I do. You don’t need to tell me, I know. I see Shuhua and I can see how I failed…”

“She’s not a failure.”

“No, she’s not. But, I failed to give her the happiness and comfort she deserves. I wish I could see how happy she could have been if I’d been in control of myself. I know what I said hurt you and pushed you away, but I regret everything.”

“Do you, though? Do you really?”

Soyeon paused. “Everything,” she whispered.

The line fell quiet. Soyeon shut her eyes, feeling a tear escape from the corner of her eye. Without any indication at all, she knew Yuqi did the same.

“We fought, but it’s never been this bad,” Yuqi mumbled.

“We have to stay strong. For the group. For Minnie…”

“Miyeon hates me. I didn’t look after Minnie like I should have done.”

“You need to grow up now, Yuqi. We can’t shield you and Shuhua away from everything, now.”

She gulped. “Unnie, she’ll survive, right? If she eats enough… and takes time away to calm down… she should be okay… Yeah, yeah… she should be okay.”

“We need to meet, Yuqi.”

“Soyeon if I see you in person I will be unable to control myself.”

Soyeon could hear that she was on the verge of tears, but the statement felt groundless, and meaningless. “Yuqi… what?”

She paused to compose herself. “Cover her ears.”

Soyeon placed a hand over Shuhua’s left ear, Shuhua herself doing the other. “What?”

“It’s a problem,” she began. “Oscar came over and told me to stop. I did. I tried. I really, really did. But I’m addicted,” she admitted.

“He saw me too,” Soyeon reassured her. “But that’s not-“

“You don’t understand. He told me how I’m ruining myself. How it isn’t worth it. How life isn’t worth wasting. B-but… I can’t move back now. I’m scared.”

“You’ll be okay.”

“N-no,” she sobbed. “I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s becoming unhealthy, but I can’t stop. It’s my only way to stop thinking about how…” she sniffled, “I’ll never be able to happy in life. It hurts. It feels like there’s no point in living now that I know I’ll never reach my end goal.”

“Which is?”

“True happiness. I just want to live with no scrutiny. I picked the worst occupation I could have.”

“You didn’t.”

“Look around,” she laughed dryly. “Tell me, tell me why we broke up. Because you knew our reputation would be affected.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is for the most part. I wanted you to cover Shu’s ears because I don’t want another thing on her mind. I don’t want her to understand the existence of what I’m going through.”

“She’s not a baby anymore.”

“She is. She is to me. She’s everything I had, and I pushed her away too.”

“She’s a phone call away-“

“That’s not how it works.”

“It is. It always will be for us.”

“It hasn’t be recently. Look, every single argument we’ve ever had has been resolved in less than a few days. This- this has been endless. And for once I knew I wouldn’t be able to say anything to any of you because I know how awful I’ve been.”

“You didn’t do anything that bad, Yuqi.”

“I’ve tried to pull away. I’ve tried to be the first one to take the step and call you, but I’m too weak, unnie. I used to boast about being… I don’t know… the strongest, or the best. I’m not…” she whispered, a sob ending her confession. Soyeon uncovered Shuhua’s ears.

“She needs to know too, Woogs.”

“I wanted to be strong for you, Shu. I wanted to give you hope. All I did was make everything around us miserable-“

“If you’re hurting, you can see Jimin a-and-“

“No, no I know you’re seeing her still. I know you were at her place after the accident. Mina told me she visited her umma’s to drop food off and saw you lying in her arms-“

“She can see you too-“

“No. No, I don’t want her to. I associate her with… never mind-“

“It’s okay, Yuqi, we can mention it. We have to.”

“Fine. I associate her with what happened to you. I can’t do it anymore.”

“Okay… we’ll find someone else. Yuqi, I’m sure it’s not a full-on addiction… I haven’t seen you, but I know you, and I know it’s not as bad as you claim it to be.”

“Maybe, but I’m scared it could get bigger…”

“Like how?”

“Even if I fall in love again, I won’t be able to stop. I’ll cheat, Soyeon. I’m not a good person anymore.”

“You just lack self respect,” Shuhua concluded, a warmer tone filling the space. “Your body is for you to decide who it’s for. It can be for yourself, or you can let someone be as close to you as you want. But letting everyone under the sun touch you- you lack respect for yourself to set your own boundaries.”

“I know,” she gulped. “Unnie, you’ve stopped drinking, right?”

“Yes. And the one-night stands. I’m telling you Yuqi, I’m fixing everything as much as I can, but I can’t do it alone.”

Shuhua sat up.

“You guys need to fix yourselves to the best of your abilities, and when you’re healed, you can then turn to Miyeon. Not Minnie… go for Miyeon first.”

“She’s right,” Soyeon nodded. “If we lose Miyeon, that’s it.”

“What if we already have?” Yuqi asked quietly.

Soyeon gulped. “We haven’t. If Minnie’s alive, then Miyeon hasn’t given up. And knowing Miyeon, I don’t think she’ll give up on Minnie ever. What they have is irreplaceable.”

“It’s special,” Shuhua agreed.

“But, unnie… do you hate me?” Yuqi asked regretfully. Shuhua turned to her with wide eyes.

“Yuqi, had I hated you, I wouldn’t have said those things to you earlier.”

Soyeon and Shuhua turned to each other as they heard Yuqi sob over the line, before hanging up the phone.

“You love her, unnie. But if you love something, you set it free.”

“Haven’t I given her freedom in leaving her?”

“No,” she shook her head. “You’ve entrapped her, and yourself.”

“That’s the first time I’ve spoken to her in three months,” Soyeon dropped her phone onto the sofa, “without it ending in another fight.”

“She just wants to be loved again by you. She didn’t do anything wrong and neither do you, but if she really wants to forget about her family that badly, then you should support her and stick by her. You’re not doing her much good by supporting her parents’ decisions that she clearly hates.” Soyeon carded her fingers through her maknae’s hair lovingly, Shuhua moving closer to hug her. “I miss the people we were back when we were younger. I miss the pathetic fights we used to have.”

“I miss when the biggest stress in my life was balancing you and Yuqi in my love life,” Soyeon joked.

Shuhua smiled. “You read the letter?”

“Of course,” she kissed her forehead, palming her cheek gently. “It was bloody long-“

“I’m sorry. Once I started I couldn’t stop. You understand how much I missed you.”

“Shu… you don’t need to get over me. It’s good if you can, but I know what you’re like when you lie. If you want anything, tell me. I’m not tied to anyone-“

“You are,” Shuhua swallowed to stop her own tears at the indirect rejection. “And I’m with Oscar now… You’re Yuqi’s, and that’s perfect for me.” Her tears fell defiantly.

“Oh, Shu,” she sighed, holding her tighter. “If you cry, I’ll cry.”

“Then we’ll cry together, unnie.”

Soyeon kissed her head over and over again. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything I said. I hated it as soon as it came out. I didn’t mean it. I just wanted to see you hurt, as hurt as I was. I’m sorry.”

“I know, unnie. You’re our leader for a reason. I’m surprised you haven’t crashed out before this.”

“I shouldn’t have, and I can’t believe that was my motive for screaming at you.”

“It’s okay,” Shuhua nuzzled against her. “I did consider that you may not have meant everything you said. It did hurt, but it’s okay. We all hurt each other at some point.”

“Are you really going to leave?”

“Hm?”

“Leave the group, and go back to Taiwan?”

“Unnie, I don’t want to say anything yet, but it also highly depends on Minnie. Do you think she’ll be able to carry on?”

“She has to-“

“But you never know. What if something happens?”

“Like?”

“Like, she’s not ready in the next few months. We didn’t announce a hiatus. They’ll know something is up.”

“I hated that period. We didn’t even do any end of year stages.”

“But we did this time. It was awkward, and ugly, and at least we did them, or I would have thought Yuqi and Minnie were dead, but… I guess I can’t joke about Minnie any more.”

“It’s only real when we make it real.”

“But, we can’t avoid what’s happening. Minnie’s been off since early last year. I don’t think we’ll ever understand why.”

“She said it was because of me. I just can’t accept that. She always seemed to be hiding something from all of us.”

“I thought you knew everything about her.”

“You thought wrong. She was mysterious. That’s why she was hot.”

“Stop it,” Shuhua mumbled.

“I’m sorry,” she kissed her cheek.

“We need to look to the future. If Minnie can’t do the comeback, then what?”

“She could do the stages last week-“

“Barely. Did you even see her apart from on stage and in the ten minute rehearsal we had?”

“No. I didn’t, actually, but I was so caught up in myself that I didn’t care.”

“I caught a few glances. She looks worse than before. Perhaps healthier, but I’d never seen her so lifeless. She was just going through the motions. Even Miyeon looked broken.”

“I know. I did see her.”

“And Yuqi?”

“Didn’t bother.”

She nodded, expecting the same answer. “But, unnie, you need to be prepared,” she reiterated. “What if Minnie can’t comeback with us. “What if she… doesn’t…”

“What are you suggesting?” her jaw tightened.

Shuhua gulped. “You know what I’m saying, Sso. You know exactly what I’m referring to.”

“We can’t let that happen,”

“You really can’t tell, unnie. Miyeon can only do so much.”

“I should have been there for her.”

“We could have been. Minnie pushed us away.”

“Right…”

“If Minnie doesn’t… join us… What do we do?”

Soyeon paused. “We’ll disband.”

“What?”

“From a six to a four? No, no there’s no way.”

Shuhua winced. “So, that’s it then?”

“If Minnie kicks the bucket, I do too.”

“No-“

“I will. I’ve been through it. And now my best friend dies. Cherry on top of the fucking cupcake.”

“Really.”

“What do you suggest?”

Shuhua shrugged awkwardly. “You’re right. We won’t be able to carry on.”

Soyeon gulped. “There’s only one thing we need to do right now.”

“Talk to Yuqi.”
“Save Miyeon.”

They paused.

“You’re right, Yuqi is more important. If she spirals, it becomes three.”

“Text Miyeon.”

“I’ve seen her. You’re the one who needs to.”

Soyeon nodded slowly. “But I need to see Yuqi first. I have to,” a tear ran down her cheek.

“I know,” Shuhua kissed her cheek, laying her face flat against her body. “We'll be okay, unnie. We're IDLE."

"We're IDLE," Soyeon repeated under her breath, burying her face in her hair. "And we always will be."

Chapter 24: you came to me

Notes:

which one of y'alls trying to break into my account 😭

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

29^th December 2022

The three girls sat quietly in Shuhua’s living room, Oscar laying out bowls of cooking dishes in front of them, along with plates and cutlery.

“I’ll give you some space,” he placed the final bowl on the floor table.

“No, it’s okay,” Shuhua stopped him, pointing at the fourth side of the square. “Sit with us. You’re the reason we’re able to even talk right now.”

He nodded hesitantly, sitting down awkwardly as silence filled the room once again.

Under the table, Yuqi slowly slid her hand onto Soyeon’s lap, waiting for her to swat it away, or glare at her, but instead, Soyeon took it, kneading it in her own.

“Eat, guys,” Shuhua placed some rice in Yuqi’s bowl.

“Thank you for having us over,” Soyeon broke the silence properly. “We both treated you terribly. You didn’t deserve it.”
“I’m sorry for ignoring you, Shu. Deep down, I missed you. I was scared you hated me after I ignored you.”

Shuhua picked up a piece of sashimi, feeding Soyeon and patting her head. “You’re my family. I can’t hate you. You hurt me, but I needed to hear it.”

“You didn’t,” Yuqi placed her chopsticks down.

“I did. I need to let go, and worry about myself-“

“I called on you for caring about the group, and then argued that you didn’t care enough,” Soyeon shook her head. “Even I don’t understand where I was coming from.”

“You were both hurting. It made sense.”

“You’d think. I tried to console myself by telling myself that, but what did you do when Soojin left? Carried on much stronger than the rest of us,” Yuqi sighed.

“I had you. You guys didn’t have anyone. I’m just surprised you let it go on for so long. How did you sit in the dressing room without talking to each other?”

“I don’t know,” Yuqi mumbled.

Soyeon looked up, meeting Yuqi’s eyes for the first time. She wanted to lean over the table and kiss her hard, or hug her tightly so she wouldn’t be able to let go, or even tell her she loved her.

Nothing came out.

She looked back down.

“Love is so complicated,” Soyeon mumbled. “I’m happy you found each other.”

Shuhua looked up at Oscar. “I wanted someone who loved me like I had loved Soojin. I guess if you want something hard enough, you can receive it.”

“Soojin loved you too,” Yuqi reminded.

“I know, but… I think she had her reservations. I don’t know. I just… you know that feeling, when someone is telling you something, but you know they’re hiding something else from you? It felt like that. Alien, considering how long I’ve known her for. I didn’t want to hurt her more than I had.”

“How did you hurt her?” Oscar asked.

Soyeon peered over her shoulder to look at her. Shuhua hesitated, so Yuqi took over. “It was a lot of things. They liked each other, but one had just been kicked out of the group. It was hard, and plus the company had all these rules we had signed the contract regarding, not thinking it would apply to us all those years ago.”

“I know. We only got together when the contract… ended…?” he hesitated, looking towards his girlfriend.

“I always thought there was hope. Soyeon fought for us. I fought for us. Soojin fought for us. Three people against an established company wouldn’t have done anything. I didn’t want to keep her associated with something she couldn’t be a part of. It’s like dangling a fish in front of a cat, and pulling it away each time it lurches for it. I didn’t want to rub it in.”

“But at the same time, she could have benefitted from having someone who stood by her,” Oscar suggested.

Soyeon sighed. “Soojin didn’t want that. She wanted closure.”

“But, how did Shuhua hurt her before?” he repeated.

The air became awkward. Two pairs of eyes fell on Shuhua, Soyeon’s dwelling on the highly interesting plate as she didn’t want to lay anymore blame on the maknae as she herself already had.

“You were little,” Soyeon reassured her. “If you spoke to her now, you would see a difference in her, and she would see a difference in you. I’m sure of it.”

“Didn’t you see her last week? Or was it a few weeks ago?” Oscar piped up.

Soyeon’s eyes darted towards her immediately. “What?”

Shuhua blushed hard. “It wasn’t like that,” she mumbled. “I just took Mei to see Yejin. We’re still not comfortable in them meeting in public by themselves. We couldn’t help but cross paths. Soojin didn’t mind. We talked a little, but we were in silence most of the time. It reminded me of when we were trainees.”

Yuqi munched on a pancake. “Is she still the same level of hot?”

“Y-yes?” Shuhua was taken aback by the question. “Why?”

“Just checking,” she shrugged, turning to Soyeon. “I’m happy you stayed in contact with her. Oscar is right. She’s been thrown into the deep end, and losing her best friend regardless of being her ex as well is probably what she needs. Just probably. Some people may enjoy the feeling of confusion and anger and sadness and depriva-“

“Okay, Woogs, we get it,” Soyeon cut her off.

“You’re both so pretty,” Shuhua hesitantly complimented with a quiet voice. “You’ve barely seen each other. You don’t realise how pretty you are.”

“Are you kidding me?

“No,” she stated confidently.

Yuqi yawned, moving to sit closer to Oscar, as his back was resting against the sofa. She joined him, placing her bowl in her hands as her head slotted against his shoulder. “Have you been sleeping better?” he inquired, placing an arm around her as he pushed his plate away.

“I guess. I’ve been doing better since you came.”

“Same,” Soyeon agreed. “Thank you.”

“It wouldn’t have been for Shuhua,” he added. “But at least you’re doing better now.”

Shuhua kissed Soyeon’s forehead, Soyeon shuffling near her to curl up in her lap. She rocked her back and forth, holding her tightly. The bowl in Yuqi’s hands slid to the table, Yuqi tucking herself under Oscar’s arm, before falling asleep beside him. Oscar smiled, pulling a blanket and laying it on top of her, tightening his arm around her.

“She hasn’t slept in weeks,” he mumbled, watching her chest rise and fall. “She finally feels enough comfort to be able to.”

Shuhua kissed Soyeon’s cheek. “I’m so happy to have you back, unnie. Thank you for not abandoning me.”

Soyeon didn’t reply, instead tightening her arms around her neck.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

myeon

hey yeon

how is the album going?

Minnie was asking; I think she’s
going to start writing soon

captain sso

im sorry unnie

i havent even thought about it

that’s okay

ill tell Minnie

let her do what she likes

you never know

right

thanks

I hope youre well

Im fine

is Minnie okay?

yes

we went out yesterday

did you celebrate christmas?

tried to

my parents were upset I didn’t come
home

but when they heard that i was
staying for Minnie they didn’t care

of course

i'm sorry

i should have been there

aegi

you don’t need to hide from me

i know you’re hurting

i hope you saw your family that day

i did

im worried about you

im fine Soyeon-ah

don’t worry about me

but we have to

Minnie’s only holding it together
for you

you have so much pressure on
you

i'm fine

just come home some time

i wish I could just squeeze your
cheeks and hold you tightly

thank you for looking after unnie

will she be okay?

had you asked me this last week,

hard no

but she’s been promising recently

I don’t know why, but she really
is trying

something just clicked, but I’m not
complaining

of course

she’ll be fit fo rht ecomeback?

When

Not any time soon

definitely

she’s getting better

for once I can say that with confidence

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

30^th December 2022

A soft knock at the door made Shuhua shoot up out of Oscar’s arms.

“Soojin-ah,” she sighed, dragging her inside and throwing her arms around her.

She smiled against her, dropping her bags to the floor and reciprocating the embrace. “Shu-yah,” she cupped her cheeks endearingly, pulling away to remove her outerwear.

“Merry Christmas,” she smiled. “I hope you were all well.”

“We were, thank you,” she handed her two gift bags, bowing to Oscar as he made an appearance. “I went home. It was weird, but nice.”

“That’s good,” Shuhua agreed, leading her to the living room. “Hot chocolate?”

“I’m good, thank you. Minjun’s keeping off sugar, so…”

“Minjun?” Shuhua paused. “What an asshole.”

“Shu,” she laughed. “I missed this,” she joked. “Your… insults.”

“They’re getting worse nowadays,” Oscar punched her side gently.

“Oh, this is Oscar,” she introduced. “I told you about him.”

“What did she say?” he asked fearfully.

“Honestly, just about how much she loves you,” Soojin shrugged. “We didn’t talk much, but that’s what I gathered. And I said that she needed you, and you came at a perfect time for her.”

“Right,” Shuhua smiled at him, leaning up to peck his lips. “Thank you for coming, Ssoo. I missed you, and it was Christmas and I hadn’t seen you, and on top of that I can’t be seen with you outside. It’s all too much.”

“I agree, but it’s for the best. How early do you need me to leave tomorrow?”

“Not early at all,” Oscar shrugged. “Stay as long as you like.”

“Thank you. I’m getting work done at my place, and god forbid I spend more than a night at my mother’s,” she stroked her forehead. “It’s ridiculous. I know she’s my umma but I need to draw the line somewhere.”

“What does she do?” Shuhua frowned, dropping her hands to play with Soojin’s ring, which had a very fancy diamond on it.

“Just… jabs at me for dating you. I don’t understand it. We’re not even together anymore. The phrase ‘moving on’ is non-existent to her.”

“Sucks. It’s fine. We have a few bedrooms, and I think there’s a personal bathroom in the one I prepared,” Shuhua shrugged. “Where is Yejin staying?”

“At umma’s. I feel bad for her, but I couldn’t have us taking over here.”

“Don’t be silly,” Shuhua swatted her. “You’re family. You stay when you need to, as long as Soyeon doesn’t find out.”

She shook her head. “Look, forget I’m here, please. Your house is big. Please pretend I’m not here.”

“Yeah, you’re sorted. It’s too big to remember you’re here. Have you eaten?”

“Yes, thank you. I had to feed Yejin before I dropped her off.”

“Right, well…”

Shuhua hugged her tightly, inhaling her familiar perfume.

“Sleep well, unnie,” she mumbled.

Soojin kissed her forehead. “You too, Shu.”

Oscar grinned, walking towards the stairs. “I’ll see you upstairs, Shu.” She nodded, grateful for him giving them space without her even asking for it.

“You’re right,” Soojin mumbled against her hair. “He’s perfect for you.”

“You read my mind,” Shuhua pulled away, squeezing her hands. “I miss that.”

“We’ll always be friends, Shu. It’s just, these years are the hardest for me. When I’m over it all, we can unblock each other, but for now… it is what it is.”

“But we’re seeing each other anyway.”

“Never because we just want to. It’s because we need to, and that’s okay.”

Shuhua nodded slowly. “I wish I could sleep beside you, but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“It’s alright. I have to call Minjun anyway, so I’ll need some space. But seriously, thank you for having me.”

“You don’t need to. My home is yours,” Shuhua winked, the lingering eye contact fading as she followed Oscar’s footsteps.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Miyeon yawned, rapid knocks at her front door, startling her awake. She groaned in confusion as she wandered down the stairs half asleep, more than confused as to who it could be.

Walking up to the front door, she peered through the peephole, eyes widening when she realised who it was through the darkness of the night and their similarly coloured attire.

She threw the door open as the woman lurched over her, scrambling for comfort around her body as she whined and gasped in anguish.

“Unnie,” she heard a sob that broke her heart, closing the door behind them and undoing the massive coat that covered her. “Unnie…”

“Aegiya,” she sighed, cupping her cheek before pulling her in tightly. “You’re so cold, little one,” she kissed her forehead. “Come, let’s go to bed,” she took her hand, leading her up to her room.

Miyeon changed her clothes, her then pyjamas becoming soggy from embracing the soaking raincoat, since she hadn’t realised the sudden change in weather after dark. Throwing their damp clothes in the chute, she tucked them both into bed, two arms wrapping around her immediately.

“I’m sorry,” she heard a whisper. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“No, Yuqi, I’m the one who’s sorry,” she pulled her up, cuddling her tightly. Yuqi’s face buried into her neck, her hands scrambling to grab onto the fabric of her bedclothes to pull her in closer. She let out an open sob, Miyeon wincing at the sound of her dongsaeng’s pain. She stroked her head, kissing it over and over.

“Why didn’t you push me away? I was so bad to you and Minnie-unnie-“

“You weren’t,” she kissed her firmly. “I was so caught up in looking after Minnie that I completely discounted the fact that you could be hurting too. And you were. You were. I’m sorry. I should have been there for you too. You survived that by yourself.”

Yuqi inhaled the familiar smell of her body, the sound of her calm voice and soft kisses calming her down rapidly, as she finally was able to breathe.

“We promised to stick by each other no matter what,” Miyeon reminded, holding her tighter. “I was angry with you, but I didn’t hate you. Seeing you like this, I wouldn’t push you away. I would never push anyone away like this.”

“Where’s Minnie?”

“In hospital.”

Yuqi winced. “I’m such a bad person-“

“No, Yuqi, stop. Stop. You’re not. You’re good. You’re a good person. You were suffering with no one to help you. I was too naïve to look away from my own problems. Minnie consumed me. Of course, I love her, but I shouldn’t have discounted you and the others.”

Yuqi nuzzled into her, one hand tangling into her soft, blonde hair. “I spoke to Soyeon,” she revealed after calming herself down. Miyeon continued to stroke her head without a hitch.

“Angel,” she sighed knowingly, squeezing her even more, if that was possible. “What happened?”

“We talked over the phone. We apologised. She clarified herself and I did too. We saw each other in person at Shuhua’s, but we didn’t really talk… it’s too fresh.”

“Of course. Don’t rush yourself. You’ll be okay,” she reassured her.

“Do you think? We both messed up badly-“

“You love each other. Love comes with trust. You’ve said things, but you’ve never betrayed each other. Your integrity is worth more than that.”

Yuqi squeezed her eyes shut. “I love her so much,” she whispered. “I love her. It’s more than romantic. It’s a deeper level. I- I don’t know how to explain it. She’s a part of me now.”

“I understand, Yuqi. That’s how I felt about Minnie. There were times when I was on the verge of giving up an moving on, but when you love something as hard as you explained, you can’t just walk away. Yes, you may be angry or frustrated, but something about them just won’t let you leave them.”

“It’s unhealthy,” she shook her head. “I don’t know what to do. I spent all these weeks trying to erase her from my memory, but I’ve fallen harder for her.”

“You haven’t. You just realised what you have been missing. You took her for granted.”

“I swore that I wouldn’t-“

“The novelty wears off after a few months. You were protective at first but then you got used to it. One thing I’ve learnt recently is to not get tired of peace. You never know when it will end.”

Yuqi let out one final sob, pulling herself up to wrap her arms around her, as the pair flopped on their sides and shared a warm embrace. “Remember last year? We said we will always stick by each other.”

Miyeon smiled, cupping her cheek with her warm hand. “I remember. I remember vowing to protect you no matter what.”

“I’m sorry.”

Miyeon kissed the back of her hand. “We may have fought, but it wasn’t the end of our friendship. Of course not.”

Yuqi pulled herself in closer. “Thank you for trusting me.”

She shut her eyes peacefully. “Of course, Yuqi-ah,” she dozed off quickly.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Fifty five centimetres,” Soojin mumbled, sketching an outline of a winter hat before annotating it with dimensions. “Shuhua’s head circumference is fifty five centimetres*.”

She frowned, placing the pencil down.

“I better confirm that.”

She stood up, leaving her room and walking down the corridor, crossing the balcony over to the other side, and walking down to the far end where she knew Oscar and she were. She paused on nearing the room, hearing something coming from that end of the hallway, beginning to get sceptical of what the noise was.

She shrugged, tiptoeing towards the final room, the noise finally the loudest it had been.

“F-fuck,” she heard a familiar voice moan. She peered through the gap of the ajar door, the sight so unexpected that she felt her knees give way, had her hand not caught her by the doorframe.

She shook her head. She hadn’t expected this. Shuhua, Oscar- she knew they were engaging in some sort of activity. Of course, young couples do what most would. It was normal…

But…

Soojin shook her head. Shuhua really had changed.

She looked back up, Shuhua confidently riding him with her front facing the door, Soojin’s risky position making her heart race as Shuhua’s eyes could easily land on her at any given moment.

Her lips were slightly parted, whole front exposed as her chest bounced with each thrust, her face creased up in pleasure and her eyes squeezed shut as she let out a string of obscene moans.

Soojin so desperately wanted her to move away, and leave everything behind, but she couldn’t help but continue to watch. Shuhua exuded an aura of confidence that she had never experienced before. There was something about the way in which she commanded the intercourse with passion and desire that she didn’t know that she could have, ever.

Shuhua seemingly finished an orgasm, lifting herself off his cock and sliding off the bed, even closer to the spectator. She pulled him off, taking his member in her hand and pumping it generously with both hands, eyeing it excitedly.

“Sh-Shu,” Oscar moaned, voice full of lust and desire. Shuhua maintained a steady eye contact, a playful look in her eyes teasing him as his teeth tightened over his bottom lip.

“Do you want me to suck it, daddy?” she asked innocently, one hand dropping to masturbate herself.

Soojin felt like she was about to faint. Dragging herself away from the room, she stumbled back down the corridor chaotically. She hadn’t realised the strength at which she was heaving until she reached her guest room, rubbing her eyes out desperately to remove the final image from her mind.

“’Daddy?’ Seriously?”

She shook her head, steadying herself by supporting her weight against the wall, before her head began to spin rapidly.

“F-fuck,” she stuttered, stumbling against the desk she had been working at previously, her hands coming in contact with the sketch she had made on the blank sheet of paper lying there. Her hand grasped it tightly, the pristine sheet crumpling up in her fist as she released an anguished, silent scream, before dropping to her knees helplessly.

Notes:

*this is a real fact (i believe soojin measured it herself)

Series this work belongs to:

← Previous Work Part 2 of villain dies.
← Previous Work Part 3 of yuyeon longfics !! Next Work →

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Lovely22, yuyeonii, syybae, Noodle_Shaa, Yuqi4, lunativity, soyeonstar, iixtab, SKYIP, and Shushumylove1 as well as 30 guests left kudos on this work!

Comments

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Leafshu (Guest) on Chapter 1 Fri 15 Aug 2025 10:08AM UTC

Fuck yesss!! Finally a sequel 🤧

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1. windywonka on Chapter 1 Fri 15 Aug 2025 05:13PM UTC
  
  !!!
  
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Shushumylove1 on Chapter 1 Fri 15 Aug 2025 01:15PM UTC

OHHHHH MY GODD????❗❗❗❗❗❗❗❗
(I don't really have anything to comment about this yet😿😿)
"Yeh Shuhua/Original Male Character(s)"??? why us shu going to be with a man???? oh my god????
🤸‍♀️🤸‍♀️🤸‍♀️🤸‍♀️🤸‍♀️🤸‍♀️

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1. windywonka on Chapter 1 Fri 15 Aug 2025 05:16PM UTC
  
  man-hating shuhua may in fact end up with a man !!
  
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soyeonstar on Chapter 1 Sun 17 Aug 2025 05:45AM UTC

ohmygor i am SO EXCITED yayyyyyy 🥹🥹🥹

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1. windywonka on Chapter 1 Sun 17 Aug 2025 02:49PM UTC
  
  :DDDD
  
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Shushumylove1 on Chapter 2 Sun 17 Aug 2025 05:23PM UTC

plot so beautifully messy i had to reread some chapters in I Never Die to remember what is happening
also fuck Oscar <3
(i don't know what to comment again))))

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1. windywonka on Chapter 2 Sun 17 Aug 2025 07:27PM UTC
  
  bro i reread the book 16 times cs i forgot what i did to the characters
  also WOAHHHH OSCAR IS GOOD I PROMISE
  
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2. 1. Shushumylove1 on Chapter 2 Sun 17 Aug 2025 07:32PM UTC
    
    me seeing this reply a few minutes after it was sent is CRAZYY
    but he's a MAN 😔😔 (me hating on oscar before he even appered tho))
    
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  2. 1. windywonka on Chapter 2 Sun 17 Aug 2025 09:10PM UTC
      
      give him a chance !!!
      
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lunativity on Chapter 2 Sun 17 Aug 2025 09:18PM UTC

I'm excited to see how the new story progresses! But I swear if Oscar and Shuhua end up together I'll crash out...

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1. windywonka on Chapter 2 Mon 18 Aug 2025 10:28AM UTC
  
  wait and see :DDDDDD
  
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Leafshu (Guest) on Chapter 2 Mon 18 Aug 2025 08:04AM UTC

Fuck it. I thought I was finally getting a happy sooshu fic. But, a man?!?!

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1. windywonka on Chapter 2 Mon 18 Aug 2025 10:30AM UTC
  
  i love how most of this fandom are repelled by men
  
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2. windywonka on Chapter 2 Mon 18 Aug 2025 10:31AM UTC
  
  dw the sooshu tag is there for a reason !
  
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Leafshu (Guest) on Chapter 2 Mon 18 Aug 2025 08:05AM UTC

I swear Oscar I'm counting my bet on you. Even though you're a man I'll give you a chance, as long as you're good enough

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1. windywonka on Chapter 2 Mon 18 Aug 2025 10:31AM UTC
  
  he hasn't even appeared yet LMAO THE HATE IS CRAZY
  
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Shushumylove1 on Chapter 3 Tue 19 Aug 2025 01:09PM UTC

idle xxxx !!!!!
sooshu 💔
yuyeon 💖
mimin 💓
(I don't know what else to comment 🤸‍♀️🤸‍♀️🤸‍♀️🤸‍♀️)

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lunativity on Chapter 3 Tue 19 Aug 2025 07:34PM UTC

i think it's interesting how yuqi seems to be more pushy in the relationship, so when they go to beijing something will go wrong. i am sure of it.
and soojin and shuhua aren't speaking anymore :( oscar is clapping his hands rn, watch him come back with yuqi from beijing or something, the whole trip is giving me the heebie-jeebies 😖
excited for the next chapter!!

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1. windywonka on Chapter 3 Wed 20 Aug 2025 08:57AM UTC
  
  oooh i love the predictions
  
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Shushumylove1 on Chapter 4 Fri 22 Aug 2025 03:42PM UTC

i HATE that i don't know what to comment 😔😔😔😔
(AMAZINGGGG chapter as always????) (i had already read it but was trying to figure out what to comment))

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1. windywonka on Chapter 4 Fri 22 Aug 2025 08:38PM UTC
  
  haha helppp the comments are funny nonetheless lol
  
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soyeonstar on Chapter 4 Sun 24 Aug 2025 07:51PM UTC

did soyeon break in mei's pointe shoes?? is that what this means?

(amazing chapter im so glad this is updating so much!!)

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1. windywonka on Chapter 4 Sun 24 Aug 2025 09:01PM UTC
  
  yeah so new shoes tend to be quite stiff and uncomfortable and take some time to loosen out so she helped?? i guess!!
  (tysm !!!)
  
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lunativity on Chapter 5 Sun 24 Aug 2025 06:27PM UTC

i'm a bit afraid of what's going on with minnie... miyeon seems to be getting more upset she's not taking care of herself well. i think they're going to have some issues, because obviously minnie's changed and miyeon seems to grieve the version of her that's already been lost, even though it's hard to grieve someone that's still alive
then we also haven't heard from soojin... hopefully she's alright. plus shuhua and her parents, maybe they'll find out and blow up at some point? they seem quite protective of her and her sisters
plus yuyeon in china still... idk how yuqi's parents will react but if it's bad then soyeon will have to contain the urge to run away
i also wanna know when oscar is appearing so i can start hating on him as much as possible
anyway! enjoyed the chapter! take care of yourself too!!

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1. windywonka on Chapter 5 Sun 24 Aug 2025 09:07PM UTC
  
  thank you sooo much :D
  he's arriving in the 6th chapter i believe lol (chapter 8 in the work after the intro and recap !)
  
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Shushumylove1 on Chapter 5 Tue 26 Aug 2025 02:44AM UTC

I don't know what to comment what!!!!!!
(AMAZINGGGGG chapter as alwayss)))) (I read this already but I didn't know what to comment)
imagine if Oscar is actually a rlly good person (but still, a MAN) while everyone was just hating on him as soon as he was even mentioned????

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1. windywonka on Chapter 5 Tue 26 Aug 2025 08:34AM UTC
  
  HELP DW
  yeah what if
  
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Shushumylove1 on Chapter 6 Tue 26 Aug 2025 10:34PM UTC

I forgot to comment on this one but now I don't know what to comment 😔😔

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yuyeonii on Chapter 7 Tue 26 Aug 2025 06:18PM UTC

I don't know what to say…………………..😭

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Shushumylove1 on Chapter 7 Tue 26 Aug 2025 10:17PM UTC

dude i feel like a kid watching my parents fight what!!!

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1. windywonka on Chapter 7 Wed 27 Aug 2025 08:50AM UTC
  
  yuyeon divorce era :((
  
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Shushumylove1 on Chapter 8 Tue 26 Aug 2025 10:32PM UTC

3 updates in a row is CRAZYYYY
I actually still don't really like Oscar
everythings so sad??? Yuqi's... "i miss that cute cock of yours 🥺", Soyeon DRINKING and I'm too lazy to go back and see what else she did, sad mimin, and no one hanging out with Shu????
(AMAZINGGGG chapter as always!!!)

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1. windywonka on Chapter 8 Wed 27 Aug 2025 08:50AM UTC
  
  HELP IT GETS BETTER I PROMISE
  
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lunativity on Chapter 8 Wed 27 Aug 2025 09:51AM UTC

see at first i thought it was one chapter and i read this one before the previous two lol, i was wondering what was going on
all i have to say is that everyone's a mess lowkey, yuqi and soyeon need to get on the same page since soyeon seems to deem herself the one to decide things for everyone... like girl the world does not revolve around you, and neither soyeon nor yuqi are willing to make sacrifices for a relationship
then minnie refuses to get the help she needs. miyeon needs to understand that you can't get help for someone that doesn't want it, and if it makes her uncomfortable then so be it
shuhua and yuqi are also in the streets bro, shuhua specifically 😭at first i felt bad for her and soojin, but i'm glad she got away and doesn't have to deal with all that as the only one in the story to not objectively cheat or do something wrong
great chapter? bundle of chapters? idk what to call it, but take care of yourself and stream soojin's baditude out now!

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1. windywonka on Chapter 8 Thu 28 Aug 2025 03:34PM UTC
  
  HAHA I'LL BE CLEARER NEXT TIME IM SRYY
  also, gotta be honest I abs love your comments- esp the way you summarise certain things that I didn't think I made obvious enough within the plot, and they're really helpful for me to see if i am misleading or haven't explained anything correctly so that i can correct myself quickly (so far not bad???!!!!), and how thoughtful they are in general, so thank you <3 (stream baditude frrr!!)
  mimin scenes are litr the worst for me to write cs while i do have a plot line for them specifically it can be quite monotonous towards the beginning, and i'd rather not write scenes than have ppl skip most of an update cs it's boring. i'm sorry about the frustrating character i've given miyeon but i hope it all works out in the end (it should, i hope?? i've only updated to 6 chapters but in reality i've written up until ch 13). same thing w minnie- def a tough character i've given myself (perhaps more complicated than soyeon atp)
  on top of that, i kinda went ahead and messed up soyeon's character too ...
  this is gonna be a tough ride LMAO but tysm !!
  
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soyeonstar on Chapter 8 Thu 28 Aug 2025 06:21AM UTC

OK BUT WHY????

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1. windywonka on Chapter 8 Thu 28 Aug 2025 03:22PM UTC
  
  WHY WHAT
  
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lunativity on Chapter 9 Sun 31 Aug 2025 10:29PM UTC

i have no words rn
that's a lie... first it seems yuqi and soyeon are both doing the same thing to get their mind off each other, and making stupid decisions in the process. idk why yuqi keeps going back to lucas, and soyeon really is putting the group in jeopardy by doing what she's doing. she's also very focused on herself and her feelings, which isn't a bad thing! just that she def needs to be more mindful of how her decisions make other people, like shuhua, feel. and how she's making herself feel, because replacing a bad feeling with a worse feeling will only make her health, both physical and mental, deteriorate in the long run.
it seems shuhua is actually not doing that badly! maybe oscar isn't that bad... plus if yejin and meiling meet up i'm sure soojin and shuhua will have to confront each other again
anyway, everyone needs therapy!! so fun!! take care of yourself :)

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1. windywonka on Chapter 9 Mon 01 Sep 2025 08:38AM UTC
  
  the summary of everything- everyone just needs therapy!
  
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